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MAKING a LOVE CONNECTION Styles of Love and Attachment

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MAKING a LOVE CONNECTION Styles of Love and Attachment 06-Gurrero-45243.qxd 2/17/2007 6:48 PM Page 115 6 MAKING A LOVE CONNECTION Styles of Love and Attachment Gabriela and Brian have been dating for months. Although they care deeply for one another, some prob- lems have started to surface in their relationship. Brian wishes Gabriela would show him more affection. Every time they get really close, she seems to pull away. She also seems to put her career ahead of their relationship. Just last week, she cancelled their Saturday night date so she could spend extra time work- ing on an advertising campaign. Sometimes Brian wonders if he cares more for Gabriela than she cares for him. Perhaps she likes him but doesn’t love him. Gabriela, in contrast, wishes Brian would give her more space. She doesn’t understand why he needs her to say “I love you” all the time. Shouldn’t he under- stand how she feels without her having to tell him all the time? After all, she always makes sure to fit some quality time with Brian into her busy schedule, and they do all sorts of activities together, such as golfing, skiing, and watching old movies. Sometimes Gabriela wonders if she can devote enough time to the relationship to satisfy Brian. Maybe she’s just not ready for the level of commitment he wants. ho do you relate to more—Gabriela or In this chapter, we examine different styles Brian? Gabriela is focused on her career. of love and attachment. Before doing so, we distin- W She expresses love by engaging in guish love from liking and discuss the situation of activity, and she values her autonomy. Brian, on the unrequited love. Next, we cover three major perspec- other hand, is more focused on the relationship. He tives on love: (1) Lee’s love styles, (2) Sternberg’s tri- expresses his feelings by saying “I love you” and angular theory of love, and (3) Marston and Hecht’s showing affection. Are Gabriela and Brian’s attitudes love ways. These three perspectives show that people toward love fairly common? What other attitudes do experience love in different ways. Finally, we dis- people have about love? How do they know if they cuss attachment theory. Attachment is an important are really in love? Finally, can two people such as part of various loving relationships, including rela- Gabriela and Brian—who have such different needs, tionships between family members, romantic part- priorities, and styles of communication—be happy ners, and close friends. together? The literature on love and attachment helps answer some of these questions. 115 06-Gurrero-45243.qxd 2/17/2007 6:48 PM Page 116 116 • CHAPTER 6 LOVE,LIKING, AND UNREQUITED LOVE make one feel good when around that person. Enjoyable interactions promote interpersonal warmth, Feelings such as love and liking are the foundation of or a feeling of cozy closeness, which helps cement the close relationships. Sometimes these feelings surface bond between two people (Andersen & Guerrero, quickly; at other times they develop over time as peo- 1998a). Respect is based on admiring a person’s pos- ple get to know one another. In other cases, feelings itive personal characteristics, such as a good sense of of love or liking are not reciprocated. When love is humor, a sense of integrity, or an inner strength. shared, it is one of the most wonderful human experi- Loving, in contrast, is characterized by attachment, ences. When love is not returned, people feel rejected caring, and intimacy (Rubin, 1973). Attachment and miserable. Researchers have spent considerable occurs when people feel an emotional connection to energy investigating issues related to love, liking, and someone. When people are in need of comfort, they unrequited love. Some of this research has focused on rely on others with whom they have formed such an answering basic questions such as the following: attachment. Caring, in contrast, refers to giving When does liking turn to love? Is love a distinctly dif- (rather than receiving) support and comfort, as well as ferent experience from liking? And how do people to showing affection. Finally, intimacy involves a feel in situations involving unrequited love? sense of interdependence, whereby two people rely on each other to fulfill needs for attachment and caring. A series of studies by Davis and colleagues also Loving Versus Liking demonstrated that loving is qualitatively different Loving is a complex concept that can refer to a set from liking and, again, that loving is special because of feelings, a state of mind, or a type of relationship. it often includes more caring and passion than liking Love is communicated in a variety of ways, such as (Davis & Roberts, 1985; Davis & Todd, 1982, by making sacrifices, disclosing one’s innermost 1985). In these studies, friendship was defined by thoughts and feelings, showing nonverbal affection, characteristics such as enjoyment, acceptance, trust, or having sexual intercourse. Some researchers have and respect, as well as doing things for one another, tried to separate loving from liking. Rubin (1970, disclosing information, understanding each other, 1973, 1974) suggested that there are qualitative and feeling comfortable together. Love was defined rather than quantitative differences between loving by all these friendship characteristics plus caring and liking. In other words, liking someone a lot does and passion. Caring includes making supreme sacri- not always translate into love. Love is more than an fices for the loved one and defending her or him to abundance of liking, and loving and liking are others; passion includes being fascinated by the related but distinctly different concepts. People can, loved one, feeling that the relationship is unique and in some cases, love others without liking them very exclusive, and experiencing strong sexual desire. much. In general, however, individuals tend to like the people they love. For example, Rubin (1970, Unrequited Love 1973) found that people like their close friends and dating partners about equally but love their dating Sometimes the feelings of friendship, caring, or pas- partners more than their friends. Partners in roman- sion that characterize liking and loving are not reci- tic couples who were “in love” and planned to marry procated. Such is the case with unrequited love, also reported loving each other more than dating whereby one person, the would-be lover, wants to partners who did not have concrete plans for the initiate or intensify a romantic relationship, but the future. Thus, romance and commitment appear to be other person, the rejector, does not (Baumeister & important in many love relationships. Wotman, 1992; Baumeister, Wotman, & Stillwell, Liking and loving can be distinguished from each 1993; Bratslavsky, Baumeister, & Sommer, 1998). other by certain feelings and relationship characteris- Unrequited love can characterize several types of tics. Rubin (1973) suggested that liking is character- situations. Sometimes the two people do not know ized by affection and respect. Affection is based on one another well even though one of them feels “in having enjoyable interactions with someone, which love” with the other; at other times, they may be 06-Gurrero-45243.qxd 2/17/2007 6:48 PM Page 117 Making a Love Connection • 117 good friends, but one person wants to intensify the assign blame, accept the failure, and then go on with relationship further and the other person does not. their lives. (p. 379) Unrequited love may also occur in the initial stages of a relationship. For example, after going on a few The rejector, however, does not have a clearly dates, one person may fall in love, but the other defined cultural prescription for how to deal with the might want to stop dating altogether. Unrequited would-be lover. Movies and novels often portray love also occurs in established or de-escalating rela- rejectors as “aloof, casual, teasing, or sadistic heart- tionships when one partner ceases to love the other. breakers,” but most rejectors are actually quite con- When unrequited love is perceived, the would- cerned with helping the would-be lover save face be lover has two options: (1) to keep quiet about his (Baumeister et al., 1993, p. 391). Thus, many rejec- or her feelings or (2) to try to win the partner’s love tors initially resist making harsh declarations such as (Baumeister et al., 1993). Either way, there are con- “I’m not attracted to you” and instead rely on more siderable risks for the would-be lover. On the one polite or indirect communication strategies, such as hand, approaching the loved one could lead to rejec- saying that they value the friendship too much to ruin tion, humiliation, or, in the case of an established it by pursuing a romantic relationship or that they are friendship, the de-escalation or termination of the too busy to date anyone at this time. Folkes (1982) relationship. On the other hand, keeping quiet could found that rejectors try to let the other person down cost the person any opportunity to win the other per- easily and avoid hurting her or his feelings. son over. Of course, the problem with polite or indirect Situations of unrequited love are difficult for messages is that they can be misinterpreted (Cupach both people, but perhaps surprisingly, Baumeister & Metts, 1991). Would-be lovers may cling to the and his colleagues discovered that rejectors typi- hope that since the rejector did not dismiss them cally report experiencing more negative emotions directly, a love relationship is still possible. For exam- than do would-be lovers. According to their ple, would-be lovers who receive a message such as research, would-be lovers perceive the situation as “I’m not interested in dating anyone right now, but having either extremely positive or negative out- I want to stay friends” might hear this as “There comes, whereas most rejectors perceive only nega- might be a chance of a love relationship in the future tive outcomes.
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