Life-Reroute-Survival-List-For-Life

Table of Contents

Limits of Liability & Disclaimer of Warranty ...... 6 Suicide or Violence Warning ...... 7 Domestic Violence Warning ...... 7 Final D-day Story: How I Found Out … and my immediate reaction...... 10 My Immediate First Thought … after the shocking, life- changing news ...... 11 Who This eBook is Best Suited For ...... 13 Who It’s Not For ...... 14 How this eBook Will Help You ...... 15 The Infidelity Stories: You’re Not Alone … This is What Happened to Others… ...... 16 Expectation Mismatch: “This Isn’t What I Had Hoped For!” ...... 18 Happy Times ≠ Love ...... 20 Two Different Affairs: Relationship Stays Intact after Affair vs Relationship Ends After Affair … and why it matters ...... 22 3 Core Reasons I Believe Spouses Cheat and Decide to End the Marriage ...... 25 Since the Affair Was Meant to Happen … It’s Time to Let Go ...... 30 The (Real) Reason We’re Scared and Sad to Move on Alone after the Affair ...... 33 But How Can You Let Go? ...... 34 Letting Go: If You Don't … You'll Stay Stuck and Will NOT Survive ...... 34

Not an End … just a new route … ...... 35 … the New Beginning ...... 36 Let’s Begin on the New Journey Now… ...... 37 Paradigm Switch: A New Approach to Bounce Back from a Broken Relationship and Lost Love ...... 37 Time to Take Control: No One Can Take This ONE Thing Away from You… ...... 39 What You Owe to Yourself ...... 40 The Traits of a Betrayed Spouse Survivor after Divorce and an Affair ...... 41 Affair (after End of Relationship) Survivor’s Mindset Checklist ...... 41 [Survival Checklist] after the Affair and Divorce ...... 53 More to Look Forward to Than You Think: The New Path Ahead ...... 53 Summary: Re-route: Let Go, Focus on You, Get Well ... 67 *My New eBook*: “Life after Affair and Abandonment: How to Survive Alone after Your Cheating Spouse Leaves” ...... 68

Limits of Liability & Disclaimer of Warranty The author of this eBook has used his best efforts in preparing this material. The author makes no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy, applicability, fitness, or completeness of the contents of this material. He disclaims any warranties expressed or implied, merchantability, or fitness for any particular purpose. The author shall in no event be held liable for any loss or other damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. The information inside is for entertainment only and is not medical or psychological advice. If you have any doubts about anything, the advice of a competent professional should be sought. This material contains elements protected under International and Federal Copyright laws and treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited.

Suicide or Violence Warning Let's clarify a few things before getting started. This course is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you're considering harming yourself or someone else due to depression that stems from the affair then please seek professional help. You can even call a suicidal help line. Here in the US that number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and is available at all times of the day, every day or visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Even if you have not considered harming yourself but feel emotionally stuck to the point it causes depression then still consider seeking professional help from a therapist. Domestic Violence Warning Even if you would like to leave your relationship, it may not be safe if you face possible violent repercussions from your partner. If you feel threatened please seek help first before even mentioning you wish to leave the relationship. Visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline (here in the US) at http://www.thehotline.org/ or call 1-800-799- 7233.

Life Re-route: Survival List for Life Alone after Affair and Divorce

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Viktor Frankl Austrian Neurologist, Psychiatrist, Holocaust Survivor Hello friend, my name is Orlando, owner of the blog InfidelityFirstAidKit.com. I relate to that quote every day, as I’m sure you can too. Surviving an affair alone after your spouse exits your life, or any type of hard relationship break up, requires that you take back control of your life. Which includes how you respond to the affair both emotionally and mentally, your attitude, confidence in yourself to create your own happiness, just to mention a few general characteristics. You must own your thoughts, adjust your own feelings and create your own source of motivation. Other people can provide some reassurance, but your decisions on what you believe will dictate how you rebound from this life changing moment. My main inspirational message in “Life Re-route: Survival List for Life Alone after Affair and Divorce” is that,

8 contrary to what you might believe right now, you have the opportunity to live the best life you’ve ever lived right now. And that does not involve finding a different man or woman to replace the last one. This involves something much bigger than depending on someone else to provide you happiness. It’s a chance to re-write your life’s story (or add to it), save yourself and inspire others who hear your story. Not only will you re-route your life’s path in a different direction than where it was headed before the affair, you have the chance to accomplish more now than ever before. Right now, you are headed to the most meaningful phase of your life because of the affair. Surprise! The complete opposite of what you feel right now. It’s just a matter of choice. People who want to survive the affair after their spouse is no longer part of their lives happens because they chose to take action to survive- not because they woke up one day feeling better. Will you accept responsibility for your own happiness and peace of mind? I did. And I am on a meaningful path that never would have happened without the affair and abandonment. I know that sounds strange. But you have the same opportunity too.

In order for me to help you, let’s get on the same page. You must see that my solutions make sense for you and that I am the right person to provide advice. I need for us to relate so that you can see how much we have in common so you can trust me. Let us start with my D-day… Final D-day Story: How I Found Out … and my immediate reaction

I stared at my phone while I sat on the toilet and read the 3-second news that would force me to re-route my entire life. A mutual acquaintance had notified me via Facebook Messenger that earned my full attention. She had seen recent disturbing pictures of my wife with another guy on Instagram and it appeared they were living together. Turned out- they were. How did this happen? My wife decided to take a trip, which she told me was a month-long trip to visit family back home. Instead she diverted that trip to a different destination… …to move in with her lover. For a while leading up to that moment I felt something strange about her. I sensed that our days together were numbered, but just didn’t know how many were left. She had acted cold, distant and secretive for quite some time. And she also had cheated before- more than once.

But the hopeful romantic that I am gave her a second … and third chance. And all that managed to accomplish was to give her more time to devise an exit plan. Somewhere along the line she had decided a life with me had become a distraction and a diversion from getting what mattered more to her- a chance to achieve her career goals as a flight attendant and fulfill her passion to live in New York City. I could sense she might just get up and leave one day, but foolishly hoped for a miracle. Perhaps I felt I had learned from my experience of feeling controlled by previous women in my relationships. I gave her the space and freedom void of manipulation that I wish I had been given in those previous relationships. I hoped that would prevent her from feeling controlled. And as it turned out what resulted was meant to happen. She left. And not to shock you too early, but your spouse’s choice to leave was also meant to happen AND that was the best thing that could have happened. Just keep reading. I know that sounds ridiculous. My Immediate First Thought … after the shocking, life-changing news

It’d have been easy to just cry and let the sadness overwhelm me. I didn’t.

Instead I saw this finally as a chance to release the tension of feeling stressed out running around doing every little thing I could to keep her happy so that she wouldn’t leave. I bent myself over backwards for her and she still left anyway. Big mistake. Why did I sacrifice so much only to get taken advantage of? Looking for happiness in someone else before finding it within yourself first is a big mistake because it places you in a win-lose situation. If they leave you feel empty until you find someone else to fill the void, and then you remain vulnerable for the same thing to repeat itself. Her affair opened my eyes to the importance of taking control of my own happiness rather than relying on a relationship which I only maintain 50% of the partnership in. Now I have the opportunity to gain my own freedom back, regain strength and to achieve the dreams and passions that I had sacrificed before she left. But she was bound to leave anyway. She had been drifting away for some time. It was inevitable that our marriage was not as big of a priority to her as it was to me. And I came to peace that her leaving was meant to happen.

If you can do the same then you have the chance to change your life for the better and inspire others to do the same. Despite how long you were together, if you’re reading this book, it’s because your partner is no longer a part of your future as a couple, and you have accepted that. So, your next step is to feel grieve, feel safe, feel better and then move onto find a new purpose that motivates you to get up every day and inspires others in the process. Do you believe you can survive, feel better and create a better life than ever? …even though you don’t know what that looks like yet? This eBook can help you start on the new journey, but let’s make certain that it is indeed right for you. If not, feel free to take advantage of the 30-day refund policy to get your money back. On the other hand, if my insight and experiences inspire you then I want you to take action on your new life’s journey immediately. At least plant the seed in your head that you want to feel better than you do right now. Who This eBook is Best Suited For

If you believe that your relationship is past the point that you can save it then this eBook will help you. What does that mean? If most of these following situations apply then you will benefit from reading on. • Your spouse already left or decided to leave and is on their way out.

• You’ve decided to end the relationship (and you mean it in your heart). • Both of you already divorced. • You already started the process of divorce. • You’re still together but have decided that you’re better off alone (and sincerely believe it). • You need time to grieve but want a happy future. • You went through a manipulative, toxic or abusive relationship and don’t ever want to feel that way again. • Your soon-to-be-ex spouse/partner was a serial cheater. Who It’s Not For

This eBook is not for you if you want to save your marriage. There are other resources I recommend on my site for that. • You seek tips to reconcile with your cheating spouse so you can rebuild the marriage. • Your partner left but you still feel emotionally attached and consider getting back together. • For someone seeking parenting advice. Affairs change the course of your entire family’s life, but this eBook is focused on healing your own personal feelings. • This eBook does not contain financial or legal advice for divorce. If these previous situations apply to you then please email me for a refund. These tips won’t help you. However, if the first set of circumstances fit your situation more then please keep reading.

How this eBook Will Help You

• Feel Relieved Discover why the affair was meant to happen and that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. So, you can now stop beating yourself up. • Release Pressure and Stress Why it’s healthy to let go, discover some reasons why the affair happened, but stop obsessing about it. Move forward with your life. • Reminder that Only Unconditional Love Matters You will feel better without someone who makes you worry, feel unsafe and sad. Toxic love is NOT love. • Understand Your Fears … and how to defeat them Fears inject a feeling of helplessness because they make us feel anxious and out-of-control. • Feel Strong by Taking Control of What You Can Control Ultimately the affair attacks our sense of safety and well-being. It removes our control and sense of direction, which kills our confidence and self- esteem. Without the confidence that you know how to ease your own pain and find hope, you feel aimless. • Gain Sense of Freedom, Build Self-Esteem, Feel Proud of Your Progress Do things last second and unplanned. Not always planning details can ensure that everything runs

smoothly but acting spontaneous provides a sense of security that you could snap out of a sad spell at any time. So, no matter what the situation, you can freely do something out-of-the-ordinary or enjoy a pleasant surprise. To start I want you to rid yourself of feeling ashamed and alone that your partner participated in some strange behaviors during their affair. In fact, strange behavior is commonplace amongst cheating spouses as you’ll read in some of the stories I’ve received from my website viewers and subscribers. The Infidelity Stories: You’re Not Alone … This is What Happened to Others…

Every affair story differs in details, but we all can relate to the feelings of shock and confusion of what to expect next in our lives. To aid in your grieving process it will help you to see how much we all have in common and to feel that you’re not alone. Don’t feel strange about the details of your spouse’s affair because EVERYONE’s situation is obscure in some way. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking to yourself, “I must have something wrong with me because he/she made such a proactive effort to sneak behind my back. My spouse must have hated me to work so hard to cheat. I feel so rejected.” All cheating spouses must work extra hard to maintain an on-going affair. Which to me is the strange part. Why work so hard to live such a miserable life of lies?

Read some of the details of the affairs my subscribers and viewers have emailed me over the years. I mention no names. • Various situations where the unfaithful spouse had a cheating history prior to marriage. • A recent situation occurred where the wife begged her husband to move to another state, so they moved. He crossed the border back and forth to work, but often times did not return home, instead he’d stay over several nights in a row to avoid the long commute. This gave his wife the chance to freely see her lover. • High school sweethearts who marry then years later one of them finds out that their spouse has serial cheated the whole time. • The first one I ever received where the husband would travel on a “business trip” out of state, turn off his phone the entire time, then have sex with a teenager while her mother approved of it and assisted in helping the man pull it off. • In almost all infidelity stories the hurt spouse didn’t find out until at least a year later. • Numerous occasions where the husband sleeps with a co-worker or subordinate more than twenty years younger than him. • One husband who claimed he was going on a business trip. After his wife demanded to go with him he called his lover from another room with the door halfway open. With his wife listening in on the whole conversation he told his lover that she couldn’t visit with him during the trip. • Dozens of serial cheating husbands who promise never to cheat again but do it anyway and their wives keep giving them more chances.

• Numerous wives married to serial cheating husbands who have made their wives financially dependent on them and continue to cheat after being caught several times. They have no fear of cheating because their wives have no way of taking care of themselves and leaving them. • Many women who fear for their children’s well- being while married to serial cheating husbands. • A wealthy, body-building husband whose wife slept with a much younger drug addict. Trust me, the list is much bigger than this and keeps growing. I imagine that after you read stories such as these and even relive your own a bit you can’t, but help ask yourself one very important question… “Why would it even make sense to stay married to someone who does nothing but cause me pain?” We know we’re better off without them, but yet we still want to hang on. So, despite the fact that we know we’re better off, why does it hurt so much to let go and move on after their affair? I believe I have an explanation. Expectation Mismatch: “This Isn’t What I Had Hoped For!”

After much introspection and reading I believe that there could be a link between our relationship expectations and our emotional reaction of the discovery of our spouse’s affairs.

Basically, the affair contradicts many of our marriage expectations; therefore, it attacks our own belief system and it creates a risk that we will not trust our own judgement. Our desires and expectations of what we want in marriage starts as early as childhood. Those expectations evolve even more as we date, experience our first relationships and observe others’. And when our expectations of how marriage is supposed to go do not get met it creates a mismatch and disappointment. Our ideals going into the marriage end up clashing with what actually happens. The affair, of course, is the extreme mismatch and feels like a huge slap in the face and wake up call. Marriage expectations from one person to another varies, but they can look something like this: • Life-long Companionship: you sought someone who could prevent you from feeling lonely. • Morale Supporter: you wanted a partner who could provide emotional support, cheer you up and help soothe your bitter feelings through the rough times you experience in your life outside the relationship. • Teamwork: you valued a team effort to complete housework chores and others important life tasks. Sharing the work load indicates a sign of compassion. • Affection: we wanted to feel attractive to someone else, sexually wanted and adored. • Appreciation: you wanted to hear him/her tell you how appreciative they were to have you in their

lives, perhaps receive gifts or other tokens of love and admiration. • Healthy Co-Dependence: we all like to feel needed by someone. We want to feel like a major important piece in our partner's life and that they feel the same about us. • Full Acceptance: we expect our spouses to provide unbiased support of our actions, pursuits and beliefs. This emotional bomb dropped into our lives forces us to frantically make sense of what and how this happened. We need to protect ourselves from harm, but how can we when we didn’t even see this coming. We panic. “If I didn’t see this coming then how can I protect myself in the future from people hurting me? What other dangers in my life do I not see?” “We were so in love. We got along so well and had so many happy times together. I’ve never been so attracted to someone like him/her. And he/she felt the same way about me in the beginning.” But I ask you this… Was it actually love? Happy Times ≠ Love

In this next section I wish to express the valuable point that the only person worth involving yourself in a life-long marriage is with someone else who also wants life-long love. Not just a warm body next to you.

If your spouse cheats AND then leaves (or leaves you no choice but to leave yourself) then… …they are NOT the one for you. They are not “the One”, your soulmate, your long-lost love, which ever term you’d like to fill in here. “But we shared so much in common, we had so many happy times together,” you might think to yourself. Happy times with our past partners were just that- happy times, nothing more. It doesn’t mean that we were in love. You can experience euphoric moments with a long-time romantic partner, but fun times together and commonality do not define love- certainly not unconditional love. Unconditional love is all that counts and for that to exist then both people need to want the relationship. It becomes easy to forget that relationships are for two people, not one. And in the case where a partner cheats and decides to leave the relationship, this means that some conditions that were important to them were not met. Therefore, what you had together was not unconditional love. Instead it was conditional love. You felt happy and at peace together, provided a set of conditions were met, if not, then the bond between you broke like when a flooded river knocks down a dam. At least, that is how your partner saw it.

On the other hand, if unconditional love exists, then both partners value keeping the relationship intact equally (or as close as possible). Thus, the relationship can survive even the toughest times. But if the relationship “dam” breaks, so to speak, then that is a sign that both were not on-board to fight for its survival. And thus, reminding yourself that only unconditional love matters and that when a person decides to leave then a relationship with them would never give you what you want. Therefore, you’re better off without them, staying married with someone who does not want to offer you unconditional love means no different than living a fake marriage. Unconditional Love = True Love, Happy Relationship Conditional Love = Fake Love, Dead-end Relationship In case you haven’t fully bought into this concept yet, then let’s look at the difference between the two most basic types of affairs and one at least in some cases has a reason to keep it intact while the other does not. Two Different Affairs: Relationship Stays Intact after Affair vs Relationship Ends After Affair … and why it matters

Not to repeat myself again, but let’s state the obvious once again. True love doesn’t exist unless both partners offer each other unconditional love with realistic expectations and,

22 likewise, a marriage does not exist unless both want to participate in the health of the marriage. This leads into the first kind of affair. 1) The Marriage Stays Intact after the Affair The cheater confessed or got caught and then decided that he or she valued the marriage. Both partners reconciled and decided to stay together. Now let’s be clear on something, this doesn’t mean the marriage returns to the good old days or ever evolves into a loving relationship. It simply means the partners agreed to stay married. In some cases, the cheater decides that he/she values the marriage with their husband/wife more than the relationship with their affair partner, regrets what they did, remorses over the pain they caused their spouse and together they find a way to strengthen their bond. In this situation, the affair served as a wake up that something was missing, got neglected, but in the end they both love each other and find a way to make it work. In other cases, it could mean that the marriage provides some sort of safety net, rather than a source of true happiness. The partners depend on each other despite the lack of true love, decide to stay together and simply co-exist like roommates. A serial cheater could fall into this category of affair. The affair served a temporary purpose: to feel good and make them feel better about themselves (as futile a decision that it is). But they still need the marriage to fulfill a longer-term purpose, for example, to stay with a partner who takes

23 care of them and won’t leave because he/she is co- dependent (emotionally, financially, physically, etc.). So, they stay, keep cheating and keep feeding their spouse empty promises to never do it again. On one hand love actually does exist, on the other it does not, but regardless this type of affair does not pertain to us. Which leads to the second kind of affair and the only one that matters to this book. 2) The Marriage Ends after the Affair It could end because either of you decided you no longer wish to stay with someone who you despise for their choice to cheat, or your cheating partner decides they want out. Either way, a decision was made that the relationship conflicted with unmet needs and no longer made sense to keep intact. Which by the way, a serial cheater could also eventually take part in this kind of affair, where after several affairs they decide they no longer need the marriage. The important key to note about the marriage that ends after an affair is that it lacks unconditional love from one of the two partners. And again, without unconditional love offered from both people, true love does not exist. Thus, this marriage does not fit either party’s needs. The bottom line is that your spouse left and you do not need someone who cheats and then leaves. You can look at it the same way I do: when my wife chose to leave, it was a blessing in disguise.

We could both have kept living a fake marriage, thus, procrastinating the dead-end, void-of-true-love relationship. What good would it have done me to stay with her? And what good would it have done you to stay married with someone who looked for and found a way to escape? I think you see my point. But I can sense that question in your head that remains. The same question I needed answered. “How could this happen? Why did they cheat when things seemed perfect in the beginning?” Finding the answer to this question can create some peace of mind. And I’ll do my best to offer an explanation. I believe that there are three core possibilities why someone cheats and then decides to end the relationship and they all relate to unmet needs that they value more than the marriage. Please note that in each case the cheating spouse wanted the marriage and initially preferred that it last. 3 Core Reasons I Believe Spouses Cheat and Decide to End the Marriage I think we can agree that people enter marriage not just to enjoy the relationship with their spouse, but also with the hope to simultaneously fulfill their own personal pursuits. We want a package: loving relationship with our spouse, family life AND happy personal life.

To some of us the personal life part of that package takes a higher priority than to others. Some people value these personal pursuits to the point that they’d give up their marriage if they felt the marriage prevented them from achieving them or continuing to enjoy them. While I am not ruling out that someone could leave a relationship to satisfy sexual needs, this is not the main motive. Unmet sexual needs are temporary in nature, not long- term. The motives to leave a marriage are most likely to satisfy long-term unmet needs in other areas of their personal lives outside the relationship. Please note that while I provide some examples, I choose to state my points in more general terms because the possibilities are endless, however, some of these examples could be related to career, financial, educational, friend, family, special interests, etc. 1) Fill Unmet Need During Marriage In this case the fiancée has identified an important need that they want to fulfill but haven’t fulfilled it yet. They plan to find a way to accomplish the feat while married. Most likely because they anticipate the enjoying the benefits of the relationship with their spouse while patiently taking steps to achieve their personal pursuit. In their minds, I’d prefer to live with someone by my side rather than be alone while I chase my personal aspirations. But alas, they discover the challenge of juggling the two is harder than they anticipated which causes their own

26 personal dissatisfaction and thus friction in the relationship. I’d say it’s very likely that the eventual cheating and abandoning spouse perceives that their spouse opposes his/her personal pursuits. At some point the marriage becomes too heavy and a sour point in their lives. And so, they feel dually unsatisfied both on the marriage and personal life fronts. The dissatisfied spouse could diagnose that the marriage, or perhaps specifically his/her spouse, is the cause of the displeasure and prevents them from achieving their pursuits. Right, wrong or indifferent, this is what they conclude. Then along the way, the unsatisfied spouse ends up meeting someone who provides temporary emotional relief and the important key here: they seem to be in support of the cheater’s personal goals. A double win in the betraying spouse’s eyes. They begin to believe that they married the wrong person or simply should not have married. Eventually this leads to the decision to leave the marriage and see if they can successfully juggle both the relationship and personal pursuits with The Other Person. 2) Pre-planned to Leave If Need Unmet- “Let Me See What Happens, I Can Always Get Out Later” Here the only difference is that the cheater pre-emptively decided that they’d leave if they could not be happy and simultaneously pursue and achieve their personal ventures.

The thought was pretty much, “I look forward to marry him/her, but let’s see how it goes. If I can’t live the life I want then I will just divorce.” 3) Invisible Unmet Needs Surfaced Here’s the situation where it looks like the person changed to someone completely different. But I propose that they didn’t change, instead I say that the cheating spouse in this case, had invisible, unidentifiable needs that eventually became evident later in their life. An Obvious Example of this Kind of Affair Perhaps a wife doesn’t believe she ever wants kids, and the husband opposes having kids, perfect, it’s a match. Then later her mother instincts kick in and she goes from claiming to not want kids to she can’t live without them. But the husband still opposes having kids and repels the idea and she resents him for it and even begins to see him as an evil force who steals her happiness. This saddens the wife and she feels like her womanhood is incomplete without children. She makes a male friend which starts innocently as just a friendship but grows into an emotional affair as the man seems to support her pursuit of having children and express empathy and sympathy for her sadness. Their attraction for each other intensifies, turns into a physical affair and then eventually leads to her decision to leave her husband. This is one example of literally an endless list of possibilities.

People are complicated and the reasons for affairs is too. But the choice to leave the marriage on top of that adds a whole other complicated element to analyze. In this case, the husband understandably could charge that his wife changed. In the beginning of the relationship, she said she didn’t want kids, then suddenly she said she did. But did she actually change? No. She didn’t change, mother nature’s need to give birth and have children was there the whole time, she just was in denial. Not a Change … Just a Decision to Fulfill an Invisible Need that Surfaced Therefore, what happened wasn’t because the cheater changed from who you married to someone unrecognizable, rather, their decision to go a different way helped them to get something that became too important in their heart to pass up. This was a decision to enact a plan, not a change in character. Going their separate way was bound to happen- no matter the length of time they invested with you, how much you had in common or how many great times they shared with you. Or course, cheating and leaving to fulfill their needs wasn’t the healthiest way to go about it. But doing things the right way isn’t the way deceitful people make decisions, is it?

Their decision to cheat and leave were minor cracks deep beneath the surface of their heart that grew over time until they completely ruptured, much like an earthquake or volcano where the pressure builds up over time before the actual event happens. Those cracks were always there, they were meant to get bigger, and if even when a cheater feels regret, remorse and takes responsibility for their actions, this too is part of their core character, the aptitude to self-reflect and identify their own self-destructive behavior is part of the package that makes them who they are. We came together for a time (for some of us longer than others) but we were meant to be apart for many reasons beyond the normal beliefs that our spouses just lost attraction for us. So why am I saying this? Because it’s time to let go completely or you will get emotionally stuck obsessing over the futile thought of wondering what you could have done to let something that mattered to you disappear. A person who decides to cheat and then leave has completely shut you off from the possibility of maintaining a marriage with you. They were going to want to leave at one point or another to get their needs outside the relationship met. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn’t offer you the unconditional love that you desire? Since the Affair Was Meant to Happen … It’s Time to Let Go

Just to ensure that we’re on the same page let’s recap.

I believe the truth is that your spouse’s sudden apparent decision to just drop their life with you and leave, was in fact, not that sudden. As a reminder, it takes two to maintain a relationship. Which I’m sure you can agree with. I’m also sure that you’d agree that making a life-altering decision isn’t something that you decide on a whim. And because of that to make the decision to end the relationship is not something you would just get up one morning and decide. My point? Your spouse felt some major type of incompatibility between the two of you emerged that would restrict them from getting something more important to them than the relationship with you. This thing that was so important for them to pursue was deep in their heart whole time and your spouse just figured that they’d find a way to get it while still being married to you. But they discovered otherwise. Either that or it was pre-planned or unidentified for a long-time. Either way they did not enjoy the complete package of their marriage with you: both the relationship and their personal pursuits. In my case I believe my ex-wife committed #2 on the affair list above. She knew she wanted to become a flight attendant, she wanted to spend a lot of time in NY, and she figured that

31 she could live with me in one city while working out of another, but it became too difficult. I was expendable from the beginning of our marriage. In your case, my case and everyone’s case, once your spouse becomes aware of the conflict between fulfilling that major need (or multiple needs) and that the marriage stands in the way, they begin to mull over the decision to leave or stay. My guess is this awareness occurred sometime before they met their cheating partner. Most likely several weeks, or even months. The decision to cheat with someone else, or even cheat and stay with them, became part of the exit plan from their life with you. Regardless, in the end you didn’t see the affair coming. And this unexpected event shocks your sense of safety to the core. This insecurity and vulnerability is the main cause of sadness and fear from the affair. Your life seemed in control and the affair ambushed you by surprise. You felt out-of-control and helpless and question whether you can find happiness again. You wonder, “Am I meant to be happy. How can I be happy when something tragic like this happened to me?”

The (Real) Reason We’re Scared and Sad to Move on Alone after the Affair

The scariest part about moving on alone after an affair is thinking that happiness is over and that your life will never be the same. Your first reaction is to fill the void with the same thing you lost- another partner. But that’s the last thing you need now, you must let go of the sadness, inferiority you feel and any toxic thought or belief that hinders your growth. Relationships are not the only ingredient for happiness. Therefore, your goal should not be to rebuild what you had before, instead consider a new strategy. Take control of what you can control and feel the safety that self-satisfaction of taking care of your own needs. Caring for yourself is the first major step in recovery that helps you grieve, let go and move towards a new happy life. Dislodge those faulty, unhealthy beliefs that you’re not good enough. Toss out the belief that the affair was a tragedy and that you’ve been dealt an unlucky card and now your door to happiness is closed. On the contrary, it just means another door opens… …a gateway that you overlooked or didn’t know existed until now.

But How Can You Let Go?

To feel free and happy again you must change your way of viewing this new phase in your life. This is an opportunity to take on new and exciting goals and a chance to inspire others with your story of survival. It’s also the chance to gain a clearer grasp on how to differentiate between the needs and wants that you can fulfill on your own with those that other people can fulfill for you. This way you feel safe and fulfilled, rather than dependent on others to make you happy. This shift in paradigm will give you the reigns in your life to decide how you wish to interact with everyone around you. No surprises, no manipulation. You act as the CEO of your own destiny and how to re- route your own life. And when you are ready to invite someone else to become part of your life plans you can then begin dating again. Letting Go: If You Don't … You'll Stay Stuck and Will NOT Survive

I’m hoping that you decided to read this eBook because you want to survive, feel better and set yourself on a new path to a new happy life. If you came here to feel sorry for yourself than your first step is to grieve. You might not be ready for the steps in this guide.

And an important part of grieving is to come to grips that the affair was going to happen no matter what, there was nothing you could do to prevent it from happening and you're certainly better off without the toxic relationship. But I do think it is important to take a look at an interesting way to attempt to answer the question, “Do people change?”, which has made me feel better. Because when we view our partners as deceiving us and becoming something different than our definition of them then we cannot let go and heal. This will not help you survive, nor set you up for success with other people in possible future relationships when you’re ready to date again. Believing people change from good-intentioned, loving human-beings into monsters will make any of us hesitant to seek relationships. And we will take a look at why people do not change, and why they were meant to choose what they chose before you even met them. This healthy way of thinking will help you move forward peacefully and feel safer and in-control in the future. Not an End … just a new route …

When my ex-wife decided a different life took precedence over our relationship I had no choice, but to change the way I saw my new future. It simply was a matter of survival and finding peace and happiness. Therefore, I decided to turn what many would look at as a tragic ending into a new beginning.

Furthermore, I didn’t want to look at our time together in a sour way- as if it was a complete waste of time. Because it wasn’t. We experienced memorable, fun times together that I am very grateful for. At that time of my life, I needed those experiences. But for the sake of survival, I chose to place those moments in a figurative box and close it. I did not want to forget them. Some of those times together were dreams come true for me. Do I revisit them from time to time, yes? But our good moments together don’t equate to love and a reason to fight for a marriage- they are just fun times, visual postcards and memories as I discussed about. … the New Beginning

Today we start focusing on the new freedoms we inherited as a result of the affair rather than become obsessed with what we perceive as something being taken away from us. If the marriage was meant to last, you'd still be in it AND you'd BOTH be happy. This is not a mind trick and weak attempt to make you feel better. This is the truth. Therefore, it becomes pertinent that we change our view of the affair as a tragedy.

What matters most right now is to rebound from this event and find a new way to live that we will find fulfilling and enriching. Let’s Begin on the New Journey Now…

My friend it’s time to let go and embrace the old things you wanted before which now have come back to the present. The stress to desperately satisfy someone to prevent them from leaving has vanquished. Let’s reboot. Feel relieved that you can re-route and refresh. Empower yourself to defeat the biggest challenges of moving on alone after going through an affair, divorce or abandonment- feeling out-of-control, helpless and hopeless. That journey starts today. If you allow me, I will hand you the seeds of thought that will re-route your self-defeating, toxic thoughts to a new productive and self-empowering belief system. But before we continue let’s make sure this eBook is indeed the best fit for you. Paradigm Switch: A New Approach to Bounce Back from a Broken Relationship and Lost Love

Analogies help me clarify confusion which can end frustration and feel refreshing. In the case of recovering from an affair where your spouse left and you are no longer married, it can be

37 challenging to let go because there was a point when things were good and you miss those moments. It makes sense to replace what you miss with something similar, in this case, with a new boyfriend or girlfriend. But I can’t stress enough how that will only add to your confusion and stunt your growth. So please keep this analogy in mind when it comes to fixing something you deem broken. The Refrigerator Analogy Usually when something stops working, say a refrigerator or car, we replace the part that broke. That part had one purpose, therefore, the only solution is to replace it. If your refrigerator stopped cooling then perhaps you’d replace the compressor, add more refrigerant gas or find a gas leak. The one issue caused the refrigerator as a whole to stop performing its role- keep the food fresh and prevent it from spoiling. Either way, you’d fix the issue that caused the refrigerator to stop cooling. Then after you fixed it the refrigerator does what it’s meant to do. You Can’t Repair Love the Same Way You Repair a Fridge Love of course is different than a machine. The process of how a relationship forms takes time, it doesn’t evolve over night. So why would you expect to place a quick bandage on your aching heart?

Essentially that’s what you’d do if you jumped from marriage that ended after an affair into a new relationship. Furthermore, and equally as important, relationships form one piece of our happiness pie. Relationships should not make up the whole pie or even close to it or that places us in a vulnerable state. You fill empty now because your happiness pie is missing a lot of pieces. It’s time to fill those spots back in with other things in your life that bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. And by taking control of your life you regain the confidence you lost after the shock of the affair and begin to rebuild your low self-esteem and hurt pride. Your life re-route and re-written life story will give you back something to feel proud of which will in turn inspire others. Time to Take Control: No One Can Take This ONE Thing Away from You…

Freedom to focus on you. With the pain that the confusion of wondering what would happen in your relationship in the rearview mirror, you can now make your own choices. Even with other responsibilities on your plate, you can now have more freedom to choose how to sculpt the rest of your life without asking permission of a spouse. No more pressure to please your other half and worry that they will not approve of your goals, dreams or preferences.

And you owe it to yourself to embrace this new freedom and take control of your new sense of entitlement. What You Owe to Yourself

Give attention to your current responsibilities at hand, whether kids, pets, home, finances, etc., but many would love to inherit the freedom to retake control of their lives again. You have more to gain than you possibly imagine and it’s time right now to begin to create the new mindset that will lead to healing and re-routing your new life’s destination. Right now, you owe it to yourself to commit to a survivor’s way of thinking and being that will uplift yourself and inspire others who watch you. Grieve, cry from time to time, relive some of the happy moments with him (or her), but don’t let the affair and divorce take away your soul and right to find a new purpose in life. Pouting and feeling sorry for yourself will drag you down. I understand how natural the temptation is to relive the moment you discovered the affair, when you found out he (or she left) or when you finally decided to move on, but you must respect the danger of toxic thoughts. Men and women before you who’ve gone through this same experience have remained stuck in sadness, crawled into a dark cave and never come back out to the light. But that’s not going to be you. Because you want to survive.

For you right now, the storm clouds dissipate and drift away, the rain dries up, the flowers begin to bloom and a bright ray of sunshine breaks through. You’re in time out, a break, the game continues. You have decided to choose hope over sadness. And you also make the decision today to acquire the traits of a true survivor who want to re-create themselves. The following traits will define your new, recreated self. The Traits of a Betrayed Spouse Survivor after Divorce and an Affair

People who choose hope and happiness over staying stuck share these following traits on the list this section A positive, never-give-up and opportunistic mindset to actively pursue happiness and new-found success serves as the only source of fuel you will need to conquer any challenge that gets in your way. In addition, these powerful new beliefs, mindsets and traits will help you push through when your mind tricks you into re-living the sad moments of the affair or telling you that you are not good enough. You are good enough, because you choose to feel that way. It’s you against you, not you against the world. Onto the list… Affair (after End of Relationship) Survivor’s Mindset Checklist • “Why not me?”

Mindset is powerful. It’s helped me push through, but it can work both ways, for you and against you. The affair can make you feel like you’re not good enough to obtain the things you want- that happiness is not meant for you. I chose not to feel that way. Once I started to ask myself, “Why not me?”, “Why can’t I have the things that other people have?”, then it provided the mental push to re-route myself away from toxic thoughts and propelled me forward on the journey to obtain them. I list some of my personal goals and dreams that I pursued in the last section of this eBook. You will identify with many, if not, the majority of the list. • Desire to Inspire When I realized that my story could inspire others, that it wasn’t just about me, then it motivated me to write more on my blog. For me, my own survival serves a bigger purpose to show others whose relationship ends after an affair to have not only hope of a bright future, but to even live a better life than what they had before. Furthermore, that we still can search for true love with the right compatible partner when the time is right. I believe that he/she is STILL out there for me, for you … and the next time around they won’t leave us. • Compartmentalize the Affair

Separate your partner’s choice to cheat and not want the relationship anymore from feeling like the whole world rejects you. This applies to finding new love when you’re ready, meeting new friends, expressing your ideas, thoughts and feelings, and many other interactions with the world around you. Don’t sabotage and trick yourself into falsely believing the world rejects you because one person came and left. Keep the affair separate in your mind from the other areas and other people in your life. • Create Self-Awareness of Toxic Thoughts It’s understandable that you could interpret the affair as rejection and, therefore, feel unworthy of love and acceptance. This in turn can affect the other beliefs and values in your life, as mentioned above. However, beyond compartmentalizing the affair, you must recognize when you begin to believe your own internal lies about yourself. Catch yourself in your own toxic thoughts. For example, when you interview for a dream job but don’t land it, be aware that you could easily let the experience of the affair trick you into thinking that you didn’t get the job because you aren’t meant to have good things. Be mindful of slipping into the toxic, counter- productive thinking that you are meant for rejection.

I know you’ve already felt it like I do from time to time. Deflect rejection, don’t allow it to infiltrate your mind. • Reframe Toxic Thoughts The first step to defeat toxic thinking is to recognize and reject the toxic thoughts. Don’t believe or buy into them. The second step is to transform them into productive, healthy thoughts one-by-one, until you acquire the habit of healthy thinking. It takes practice. Let’s look at a couple examples: o Toxic Thought #1: Making Friends or Dating Again “I won’t say hello because he won’t like me.” o Reframed Healthy Thought #1 “I want to talk to him because I want to see what happens, if I don’t, then nothing will happen.” o Toxic Thought #2: Dream Trip “I’ve always wanted to go to Australia, but it’s too expensive.” o Reframed Thought #2 “Yes, it is expensive, but it’ll be a life-changing experience. I’ll find a way to afford it.” • Enjoy Winning: Celebrate the Little Successes

During your new journey you will feel the rush of excitement to embrace your new freedom. This can overwhelm you at times because some goals contain multiple steps and demand that you acquire new skills. For me, when I started this blog, I recognized that blogging and internet marketing was my long-lost passion and decided that I wanted to do this for a living. I liked the idea of helping others which in turn helped me. Blogging gifted me a purpose in my new life. This discovery wouldn’t have happened without her affair and abandonment. But growing a blog to attract traffic and learning how to set it up is a big task. And it could easily have crushed my spirit. Each step of the way I learned (and am still learning) the importance of celebrating the little successes along the way. I still remember how it felt just to choose the name of my blog: InfidelityFirstAidKit.com, publish the first post, receive my first subscriber and respond to my first email. Each of those little steps felt like a huge accomplishment because I moved one step closer to gaining the big prize. Reward yourself with each accomplishment. Personally, I love drinking a full glass of Cabernet Sauvignon to celebrate. How do you like to celebrate your little successes?

What is something that you’ve always wanted to do and now have the freedom to do? • “What if …?” I love to play the “what if?” game in my mind. With this game I dream about the things that matter most to me and I ask myself, “What if I could do it/get it?” Experiences and the freedom to go do them matter to me the most. I love to travel. In my case, that special place is California. Particularly, I love deciding last-second spontaneous travelling. The power rush that I get when I can travel on a whim. So, I ask myself, “What if I could travel to San Diego two weeks from now (or next week)? Sure, why not? Let’s go!” And each time I’ve done it I feel stronger and more confident about my ability to achieve whatever I set out to do. The freedom to make my own choices and not need to ask for permission because my life is not attached to someone else comprises a major part of the healing process from the affair. “I may currently not have someone right by my side (at least for now), but I can go and do more things than before.” Wow! I feel empowered just typing that and sharing it with you. What would your “What if?” list look like?

• My Way Creativity and freedom comprise of two of the biggest components of your life’s re-route and rebuild. Even if you have other responsibilities, such as children, or pets, you still have the freedom of choice to do things you couldn’t before. Even small things like choosing to make the dinner you want, not what both of you want, or choosing to read a book or watch the movie you want feels invigorating. Want to spend your own money to redo your hairdo or get a back massage? Go do it, because you can. It’s your way. This mindset especially applies for the bigger goals and dreams. When she left I could choose a new career path because I had more time to. The daily responsibilities we shared, such as me driving her to and from work, no longer applied. Instead I could now go to Starbucks to work on my blog. Or if I wanted to work in real estate I could devote more time and money to that. • Stop Comparing Yourself to Others You will see a lot of smiley, happy couples walking the streets hand-in-hand, but what you don’t see is the challenges they run into behind closed doors, or the fights.

Don’t fall into the habit of comparing how much others have around you to how much you don’t have. How easy you forget the stress of maintaining relationships? And yes, I understand that one day you will want to find someone again. But once you get situated into your new life and maintain routines, you will grow very thankful of the lower amounts of stress that you no longer have to deal with when sharing your life with someone else. Heal yourself first before adjoining your life with someone else’s. You have things that others don’t have and many of them are just as jealous of you as you are of them. • Army Ants and the Ant Pile: The Emotional Switch I pride myself in how self-reliant I’ve become. The power of knowing that I endured the affair and didn’t let it get in my way of chasing my long-lost dreams is invigorating. And when life gets challenging and seems overwhelming I can remind myself of how strong I was to overcome those first few months after she abandoned me, when I chose to see lightness and not darkness. It reminds me to instantly reboot my feelings and start fresh. That’s why I love the analogy of the army ants and their ant hill. Did you ever knock over an ant hill as they are building it? (You bully! Ha ha).

Yes? And how did they respond? Did they sit around, hold hands, sing “Kumbaya” and moan in sorrow at the hours of lost work? No, right? IMMEDIATELY they started to rebuild the hill. I’m asking you to do the same every time you feel down. Keep the positive momentum going. • Manage Others’ Advice and Opinions Without doubt, you will receive more unsolicited advice than you care for from sympathetic, well- intentioned people. They will advise you on how to parent, how and when to date again, who to date, what job to get, how to manage your finances and even what to eat. (If it hasn’t already started). During those times when you feel unsure of what to do or what you want, especially in the beginning, all the advice can overwhelm and confuse you. Until you create a blueprint for your new life, all the advice looks good, but at the same time it doesn’t. Nothing will make sense until you complete the first step to design your new path. Now is the time NOT to make quick decisions. And I will talk about that in my new eBook “Life after Affair and Abandonment: How to Survive Alone after Your Cheating Spouse Leaves”

• Temporary vs Permanent Equally important to compartmentalizing the affair and separating it from the rest of your life is separating temporary setbacks from permanent ones. After going through an affair then divorce (or abandonment) you can easily fall into the trap of confusing minor setbacks as road blocks. Again, don’t let the affair and divorce trick your mind. The “woe-is-me” or “here-we-go-again” attitude is a choice, an unhealthy mentality to fall into. My “Insurmountable Debt By far the biggest challenge I faced after her abandonment, other than the emotional toll, was the pile of credit card debt I had incurred over the years. It haunted me every single day. I thought about it when I woke up, and when I went to sleep. It felt like the debt would never disappear, no matter how much I paid down on it. And many times, I unfairly told myself that I was meant to have debt because bad things happened to me- just like the affair. Stupid thinking! Luckily, I swatted that toxic thought away like an annoying fly and decided, “NO! This debt will end, and I will never go back! It is NOT forever, it is just a temporary setback.” And I did get out, and soon had saved up more money than I had ever saved before!

What temporary setbacks have you unfairly told yourself will haunt you forever? • Master Problem Solving One of the surprises I discovered after years of running InfidelityFirstAidKit.com was how many people actually wanted out of their relationships but feared being able to take care of themselves because they had become reliant on living with someone else. I receive numerous emails still from my subscribers and viewers sharing their fears of not having enough money to live on their own or to raise their children. Some never had to deal with a portion of the responsibilities that their spouses took care of while together. Now they feel lost because they don’t know how to do some of those tasks and have no one to teach them. That’s why learning to become self-reliant so you can take care of yourself is vital to survival after an affair and divorce. A relationship is much more enjoyable and feels safe when both partners can take care of themselves (albeit certain situations such as physical or mental limitations, of course). But I cannot tell you how many helpless viewers have emailed me over the years who feel stuck. They feel like they NEED their cheating spouse just to live day-to-day. And their cheating spouses take full advantage of the situation.

They double dip, cheat for the side relationship and trap their spouse by stripping them of their freedom. Wow! It bothers me every time I read an email where the cheating husband fights tooth and nail to prevent his wife from getting a job to create her own income or abandoning her career. Then he cheats, and cheats again, and again, and the poor wife feels like she’s got nowhere to go. That’s why learning to master problem solving is key to surviving a post affair/divorce. There’s ALWAYS a solution to your problem. It’s just a matter of finding it. Sometimes it takes longer to find. These characteristics have helped me ward off sad feelings, find peace, empower myself to chase my dreams which has given me hope, relieved stress and allowed me to re-route when it looked like my life was set on a crash course after her affair and abandonment. Attention: Do NOT Continue Until You Read this Previous List Twice The previous list precedes the next one for a reason. Without mastering the characteristics to overcome the emotional obstacles that results from being cheated on and then living through a divorce or abandonment, you won’t be ready for this next step. Instead, you will risk making random, hasty decisions hoping something miraculously works. Some of these next suggestions by themselves will help you feel better for a little bit, but not long enough.

Don’t you want rid yourself of the pain, rather than just place a bandage on it? Trust me, master the previous list first. More Details in My Next eBook In my newest eBook “Life after Affair and Abandonment: How to Survive Alone after Your Cheating Spouse Leaves” I go into more details and include more personal stories of what I did to overcome some of the challenges I faced and how I re-routed my life. For example, how I problem solved to get out of debt, save money and travel, or how I dealt with and still deal with reminders of my life with my ex. I go into the steps and provide action-oriented tips on how I changed my life for the better. You can borrow some of these tips to customize your own life’s new blueprint. But before you know how to get to your destination you need to choose the destination. And that’s what we will look at in this next section… [Survival Checklist] after the Affair and Divorce

More to Look Forward to Than You Think: The New Path Ahead “With every loss there’s gain.” That’s a motto I live by. It puts me in a win-win situation. You’ve always got something to gain.

And what you gain in this case is a renewed life and chance to focus on what makes you happy without rushing into a new relationship. Now is the time to feel free and to sit in the pilot’s seat to guide your own life’s plan to a new destination. And when you feel like you have fully grieved, mended your emotional pain and found self-fulfillment you can decide if and when you want another long-term relationship. Everything I’ve included on this list I either personally accomplished or mastered myself or I’ve seen someone else do it who has gone through cheating, divorce or abandonment. I realize that you may have children, but at the same time, I’m confident that you can share some of these experiences with them or find some way to meet up with friends to join in your new adventures. Some are close to home and designed for you to do on your own. Let’s start off with a bang… “What’s something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet? • Bucket List Do the things you always wanted to do. Why not you? Imagine how empowered and free you will feel when you do? What does your bucket list look like? For many of us, probably all of us, our bucket lists include travel, some of our tastes are more

54 extravagant than others, but we all dream of going to specific places around the globe. For me personally, as I mentioned before, I love traveling to California. Before and during my marriage I went a handful of times. After she left, I’ve gone almost more times than I can count! During those trips I drove and walked over the Golden Gate Bridge, stared up at towering Redwood trees, sipped wine while gazing over the endless hills in Sonoma County, peered out at the bay while working on my blog from the Top of the Hyatt lounge in San Diego, and come within steps of wild sea lions among numerous other adventures. Freedom to do what you want empowers you. This new acquired sense of control helps you regain your confidence which ultimately helps you heal. Travelling is just one item in a bucket list. What else would you like to add? Think big, creatively or both.

• Flying a plane

• Scuba diving

• Swimming with dolphins

• Professional massage and all-day-spa experience

• Take up that hobby you put off

• Rebuild a sports car

• Enter a contest

• Start a side business

• Start a new career I include some specific examples from the list below to help you fill your bucket list, along with actionable tips of how to get over the pain, conquer your new life and move on for good. Passions and Hobbies The extra free time you inherit after a divorce allows you the luxury of participating in those passions and hobbies you’ve put off (or always wanted to start, but never did). Here’s a quick brainstorm list: Travel Let’s revisit travel one more time and go deeper into the brainstorm session. Exotic Travel (Scuba diving in Australia, Swim with dolphins or sharks in Florida Keys, backpack and ride trains in Japan, etc.) Sight-seeing (art museums in Italy, castles in Germany, famous European landmarks, famous theme parks, etc.) Events (music festivals, sports tournament or championship games, culinary, seminars or conventions, etc.) Tours (vineyards, breweries, sports arenas, candy factories, etc.) Closer-to Home (weekend beach trip, breakfast-in- bed, spa resort, cabin, backpacking, etc.)

Random Destination Drawing (the Ultimate in Spontaneity): write 10+ names of places on scrap paper then draw one from a hat and go there. *One of my biggest bucket list items I want to accomplish is to go to the airport with a packed bag in-hand, but no ticket or flight in mind. Then I’ll close my eyes, wave my hand towards the departure board and wherever my finger stops is where I will travel to. Feel free, act spontaneous, go on a last-second trip, even if close to home, but at some point, shoot for the stars and go to that place you’ve always wanted to go. One of the best ways to get over the kind affair in this eBook is to regain control of your life. Go travel. I traveled very shortly after she left and it helped me instantly refresh, re-route my life and re-gain control in my life. Here below I offer a brainstorm of different activities you consider. I’m sure it will ignite your own creative juices to find some of your own interests that I missed. Enrichment Hobbies Online Spanish Courses Blogging Vlogging Guitar Classes Vegetable Gardening

Sports and Recreation Driving Range (Golfing) Surfing Snorkeling Horseback Riding Archery Nature Walking/Jogging Weight Lifting Social Activities Latin Dance School Improv Comedy Club and Classes Acting Classes Rowing Sailing Team Bowling Darts (and Beer) Culinary Wine, Beer, Bourbon Tasting Cake Decorating Grilling Handmade Chocolates Smoothies Pastries Collecting

Sports Cards Disney Pins Wine Bottles Rare Coins Old Maps Plush Dolls (of your favorite animal) Creative Hobbies Photography Computer Animation Graphics Jewelry Making Deep-Sea Fishing Whale Watching Landscape Painting This list literally will never end. Add to it. Also, please note, the point of this exercise is to participate in your passions and not to stay busy for the sake of staying busy. One could easily view that as attempting to distract yourself from the pain of the affair in hopes to forget about it. For me, the passions I’ve chased and involved myself in gave me a daily reward to look forward to, they give me something that is mine, that I can create and build. I have control over it and no one can take it away from me.

Plus, many of these items relieve physical and emotional stress. Teach Your Passions You could donate teaching time for free, but in this case, I suggest you instruct others for payment, which of course, will help fund your travel or help you indulge in some of your passions. Teach English or your mother-language, a subject you mastered in school, your favorite hobby, how to start a business. Google more ideas, you will find plenty. Use your creativity to not only determine which subject you wish to teach, but also how to find teaching opportunities, you can even tutor online or look in local online ads, speak to schools or even post your own ads. New Career Here you have a major life-changer, a big-time re- route of your new life ahead. How many people hate their jobs, but sacrificed their dream career paths because they had financial, time or relationship obligations? What have you always wanted to do? Start a new business? Shortly before she left me I had gotten my residential real estate license. I networked my way into a job phone prospecting for clients. While I didn’t end up feeling passionate about it, it did help me get out of credit card debt.

I share a few secrets how I did that and how anyone can make money in real estate without actively working in it in my newest eBook “Life after Affair and Abandonment: How to Survive Alone after Your Cheating Spouse Leaves” What career have you always dreamed of? Many careers offer online certification classes or introductory courses how to get started. Alone Time at Home Don’t skip this. This is the best form of meditation and way to plan for your new life. Read, watch a movie, work out, draw, write, drink wine or just think. Some of my best ideas that have changed my life came from spending time at home alone. Of course, I don’t like to be cooped up so I will take a walk around a lake or to the local super market. You need both social time with others and time by yourself to properly set up your new life for success. Health Ok, so I admit that I am not a health fanatic, but I do like to stay active and get out. I enjoy walking around the lake close to my home with a view of tall hotels and a nearby theme park with towering roller coasters (pretty cool, right?) and I guess I prefer healthier foods than junk food. I love vegetables, particularly in soups and stews. Luckily for me, I have known how to cook practically my whole life.

Eating well, working out, or at least staying active will result in you feeling physically and emotionally better. Maintaining your health to the best of your abilities allows you to add to your bucket list and participate in your passions more easily. All our decisions connect to one another. Spend money on one thing and you won’t have it for something else. Eat poorly and feel gross, then you won’t have energy to enjoy the day at the park. Cause and effect. Overcoming Personal Struggles: My Dental Adventures I used to have all kinds of problems with my teeth and it cost me- lots of money! My teeth from the outside look good, but cavities love the insides of them. Ever have a root canal and crown procedure done? I’ve had five! Had cavities? I’ve had over 10! And they are expensive- even with insurance. How many vacations did I miss out on if I had just FLOSSED! Fast forward to the present- I am addicted to flossing and cleaning my teeth.

As a reward I have more money to spend on the things I like that help me heal from her affair and abandonment. Explore with Friends Most advice you read will suggest that you spend time with friends, which is essentially what I am about to say, but I want to add more food for thought. Explore, do the unusual. You want to feel free and unchained. Here is your chance to do it socially with others so that you can laugh and share the moment with someone else. You like going to bars together? Then find the coolest speakeasy bars (themed bars) or 100-craft-beers on tap bars? When’s the last time you went to a stand-up comedy club? How about a rock concert? Always wanted to see your favorite country singer live with your gal friends? Now’s your chance! Stop going to the same places, try something new with them. This is one of my favorite tips to share about how to break out of the sadness that the affair can cause if we allow it. And my friends love following along because they just trust that wherever I lead them to will be fun.

Even, right now as I write this book, I discovered the nicest coffee bar I’ve ever been to called Foxtail Coffee Company located in Winter Park, Florida and brought my friend who also works mobile on his computer. He loves it here. And we love changing the scenery by searching for new places to work. Dating Again Only when you have completely let go of your ex and if you have fully compartmentalized their affair from how others will treat you should you seek a new relationship. One sign that you’re ready to date again is when you can stop feeling jaded and overly-judgmental, for example, believe “all men are cheaters”. Do you feel defensive and ready to lift your emotional shield when anyone gets close? If you feel completely ready then date for fun- NOT FOR MARRIAGE, yet. I can tell you from first-hand experience that if you rush into a relationship with someone else you’ll stress out. My first wife, with whom I divorced, rushed into a relationship practically immediately after we broke it off and ended up in the most toxic relationship I’ve personally encountered yet. And that includes all the stories I’ve read in my emails from my subscribers and viewers.

Take the proper sequence to get you back into the right frame of mind for dating again or you could end up way over your head in commitment. The answer to sadness after an end to a relationship, again, may not be to find another relationship. And that’s the purpose of this eBook here. It’s part of the formula that I did to avoid depression and instead re-route my life towards happiness and to do the things I always wanted but hadn’t. Going out with female friends has helped me a lot too, they have a natural way of soothing you in the way a same-sex partner cannot. So, I highly recommend the pre-dating step of hanging out with friends of the opposite sex. Move or Upgrade Living Arrangements When she left me, I knew I wanted to move. Not just because the home reminded me of her, but because the neighborhood felt stale. I needed a fresh start. Now, I live in a part of town that fits my personality much better, restaurants, shopping and bars sit minutes away- I can even walk to some. I can arrive to all the major area attractions relatively quickly. Personally, I like apartments because it surrounds me with a ton of people. Even though I do not consider myself to be the most sociable person, I hate feeling alone and stuck in desolate areas. Moving re-energized me.

And the apartment I share with my friends feels cozy, clean and the building itself contains preferential features- like a craft beer bar and a game room! Could moving or re-decorating your home positively impact your attitude? Pets Personally, I don’t like pets that much, but many people do. But when ever I watched my ex’s Cocker spaniel, I couldn’t wait to get home to see him. He made me feel loved and important. Something I lost when my second wife left. Pets offer a magical, healing power- and I am not referring to gold fish here! Think furry friends who will chase you, jump on you, walk around the lake with you, cuddle with you and treat you as their super hero, especially dogs. Dogs offer unconditional love, like your best friends, and that’s what you need now. Give Donate your time for free and lend a hand to someone who needs help or offer to lend your skill to help solve a problem for others. Giving heals hurt souls because you feel appreciated and important to someone else. And that’s the exact opposite feeling you go through when someone cheats on you. Above all, you feel good about yourself- it’s self- fulfilling.

Start a Divorced Women’s/Men’s Group Bonding with others who have gone through a similar event in life alleviates pain because you don’t feel alone. Plus, you can get inspired from what they have done to move on with their lives. Start a Blog to Inspire Others (even make extra money) Yes, start a blog, if you like to write, email me for tips how to set it up [email protected] My blog serves multiple purposes from the list above, that’s why creating that list came easy: giving to others, inspiring others, teaching, self-expression to heal, writing for hobby (of course), creating graphic design, a purpose to wake up to every day, I blog during travel and make money with it. Summary: Re-route: Let Go, Focus on You, Get Well

Life has a sense of humor, or another way to look at is God has a plan (if you believe in religion). The traumatic life event of the affair provided me a new beginning. Instead of beating myself up and falling into a deep emotional abyss, I re-routed my life to help others gain strength and heal, which in turn helps me. In fact, if it hadn’t been for her affair and abandonment, you and I wouldn’t have met and InfidelityFirstAidKit.com would not exist.

That’s not to say, I have not re-lived some of the painful moment of my ex’s affair or even some of the great moments that we spent together. But I did take lemons and turned them into lemonade. I converted a sour moment into a positive, life- changing one. I found my career path as a blogger- my passion, and it gives me my most treasured opportunity- to help give you hope that you too can survive the affair and move on. Go chase your dreams and take care of yourself first. Then when you’re ready in your heart to date again, the relationship will feel right. *My New eBook*: “Life after Affair and Abandonment: How to Survive Alone after Your Cheating Spouse Leaves”

In my newest eBook, not yet released, I cover actionable suggestions I followed myself such as how to instantly break out of temporary sadness, what inspires me to write topics in my blog that my viewers love to read, the mindset and steps how you too can survive alone from the affair after your spouse left and how you can inspire others with your own survival story. Where Are ALL the Guides to Help Affair Survivors Who End Up Alone?! I just got tired of no help for us, so I decided to write my own. Too many guides and eBooks out there teach how to repair marriages after affairs (and make the relationship better than ever), what about the rest of us?

First our spouse leaves then it feels like the rest of the world abandons us too. If we didn’t already feel strange and left out enough as it is, now we get to read how all these other couples fell back in love harder than they had before their husband/wife slept with their neighbor/cousin/co- worker. What? So simple, huh? Based on the numerous emails I receive; most marriages do not end “happily-ever-after”. So, I decided to take action. Do you want a copy? What topics would you like me to cover in the book before I finish? Tell me what you want to read, write to me at [email protected] and I promise to respond within 24-48 hours. I have personally responded to EVERY email I have ever received fast! Keep looking for my updates for the launch date in my email updates or email me directly at [email protected] If you’re ready to heal sooner and discover how to feel happier and in control faster then consider grabbing a copy of “Life after Affair and Abandonment: How to Survive Alone after Your Cheating Spouse Leaves” when I release it.