HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES!

An Imperfect Servant’s Views on Marital Happiness.

Is There A Formula For A Successful Marriage?

Copyright © 2010 By: Norman Wolfer… . Married

Dedication...... 4 Introduction ...... 5 Chapter 1, INSANITY...... 19 Recognize It Before It Is Almost Impossible To Overcome Chapter 2, FRIENDS FOR LIFE...... 33 This One’s For Keeps Chapter 3, CAN’T BUY ME LOVE...... 45 More Than Just a Jingle Chapter 4, CAN WE EXPECT CONTINUAL JOY AND HAPPINESS? ... 56 Happiness is Not a Result of Possessions Chapter 5, THE DEATH OF CHIVALRY...... 66 Saying “I Love You” Is Not a Sign of Weakness Chapter 6, CAN WE TALK?...... 78 The Art And Importance Of Communication Chapter 7, D0 YOU REALLY NEED HER?...... 96 Why We Need To Love Chapter 8, IS “MID-LIFE CRISIS” AN OPTION?...... 110 Its not age that is at issue! Chapters 9, CAPTURE THE DREAM...... 118 The Dream Is Within Your Reach Chapter 10, A NEW PURPOSE...... 125 A better Battle Plan Chapter 11, WHO’S ROLE IS IT ANYWAY?...... 133 Is This Concept Gender Specific? Chapter 12, IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE COWARDLY?...... 139 Retreat is often the most aggressive offense! Chapter 13, BEING THE FATHER OF YOUR WIFE’S CHILDREN...... 147 Fatherhood is a Privilege, Not a Punishment Chapter 14, WHO SHOULD PROVIDE FOR THE FAMILY?…………….. 154 It is Not The Government!

2 Chapter 15, IS THERE HOPE?...... 158 No Matter How Hard We Try, We Are Still Human Chapter 16, IS IT TOO LATE?……………………………………………… 163 It Is Never Too Late Post Script……………………………………………………………………. 169

3 DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to the dear woman God gave me, who has stuck with me–through thick and thin–over the past forty years. She is and has been my best friend, confidant, advocate, and my inspiration. It is the light in her eyes and the brilliance of her smile that rewards my every effort to honor my commitment to her. The phrase, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all,” is epitomized in her, because, should I lose her today, my life has already been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. The benefits

I enjoy in loving her and committing my life to her are far greater than the reaping of any conditions I may ever have placed on my love for her. It is with full knowledge of what joy I have in loving her, unconditionally, that I can write on this subject with authority and conviction.

May every day of her life be as blessed as she has made my life. May she live out the rest of her life with the unquestioned knowledge of the degree of love I have and always will have for her.

4 HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES!

Introduction

It was not easy to decide to write this book. First, there have been so many “self help” books addressing the issue of marital relations that it seems almost absurd and arrogant to write one more. Second, most of the existing books have been written by scholars, doctors, marriage counselors, sociologists, or psychologists of one degree or another.

Since I have no special degree, which would convey the credibility for helping others in the area of marriage, whom do I think I am to write such a pretentious instruction? I then had to rethink that position.

Marriage has become almost a cliché over the past decade or two. I have watched marriage decay in ways I would have thought impossible. It doesn’t seem to matter whether one is a person of faith or not. The incidence of divorce remains at high levels, even when one looks at those religious segments of society that don’t “believe” in divorce. The more recent movement to have marriage redefined to include members of the same sex (gender) has further eroded any historical or Biblical sanctity of marriage.

It is now viewed more as a right, and even an equal rights issue, rather than a commitment. “Gays” want to capitalize on the concept of marriage, because of the rights of survivorship it conveys, along with the “family” title when visiting their significant other in the hospital. While it has been long argued, marriage is for the furtherance of procreation and the support of families, it is now evolving to merely a right of

5 survivorship or conveyance of collective and inheritance rights. The ambivalence, with which marriage is embraced, in today’s society, does little to either create an environment in which one feels the deep emotions attached to a marriage commitment or foster acceptance and respect for the institution of marriage by the children of our unions. In fact, the children of today are often the result of sexual relationships with persons who have not made a commitment to each other. The birth of children out of wedlock and the use of the term “single mom” or “single dad,” have been on the rise for some time, now.

Not having made a commitment, by the way, does not just mean those who have not married. It includes those who do marry, but find their level of commitment falls short of what it would take to cement the relationship.

With that knowledge, which “with eyes wide open” is self evident, I can’t help but feel responsible for my silence. I cannot, for instance, stand by and “watch my brothers go to slaughter” without believing myself to be guilty of that slaughter. Knowing what I do about cementing a relationship with my wife by putting her happiness and needs above my own, I would be incredibly insensitive to keep the success of that knowledge and experience to myself.

Further, the other married couples who have experienced, much as we have, the success of a simple formula that I will expound on at length, coupled with the people close to me who have, for one reason or another, had difficulties overcoming the self imposed and natural obstacles one encounters in a marriage relationship, have fed my need to address these issues in ways that will hopefully provide a light at the end of the tunnel.

6 When I see the callous disregard a husband sometimes has for his wife and a wife for her husband, I can’t help but feel sorry for their plight. It is not an unusual predicament; rather it is all too common. One to two hundred years ago, it was more common to find men who, although likely to be referred to in today’s vernacular as chauvinists, were far more responsible, caring, and better providers for their wives than men are today. The concept of “equality” has been distorted to mean, “You have to do what I do in order to be equal.” That includes punching a time-clock, wearing similar clothing, sharing one another’s sexual freedoms, and much more.

It is often difficult to watch a man’s pride get in the way of doing those things that put his wife first. It is equally difficult to watch the disrespect (often deserved disrespect in the eyes of today’s philosophically eroded society) and contempt a wife holds for her husband prevent her from “Honoring her husband.”

I have chosen to write this book from a perspective of my personal experiences and events I can only quantify as subjective. That makes it almost autobiographical, in nature and, if that is disturbing to some, I apologize for that. The result of the experiences and observations that are recounted, in the book, are nonetheless appropriate and factual in nature. They are also profound in the results observed in the lives of others I know who have adhered to the simple principles of this book. The recounting of these experiences will, in large part, show the imperfections of my own applications of these principles. It is the successes that come from these experiential elements, rather than the failures on my part that lend the credibility to this concept. I am, after all, only an imperfect servant.

7

About 25 years ago, I was acquainted with a marriage therapist, who was well known and respected, both in our geographical area as well as in the professional arena of the community in which we lived and raised our kids. In his treatment of marital problems, he was quick to say, “I am not necessarily interested in trying to save the relationship between the husbands and wives I counsel, rather, I am interested in making sure they are happy when they complete their divorce. I want it to be a pleasant experience.”

Although I put that in quotes, that is really more of a paraphrase. He, himself, was a

“happy” success story of one who transitioned out of a marriage that didn’t work. It was,

I think, important to note he was actually not happy (judging by many of his comments about his wife and his life) and his subsequent marriage was also on the rocks. He spent more time looking for acceptance in his job, for which he, in my personal opinion, was totally unqualified–in spite of his degrees–than in the relationship that could have brought him the greatest happiness.

I thought, “If someone with so little to offer could pass himself off as a ‘therapist’ for those who needed help, could I not at least offer the reward of the teaching I hold to be the truth and a certain higher degree and percentage of success to those who really wanted help?” With that thought, I set out to put my personal and practical experience and the love I have known into a format that would hopefully make sense to those who are truly interested in the quality of marital bliss God has always had in store for those who take Him serious. It is not with vain hope of any accolades that I make this written

8 journey. Rather it is with the hope to allow each of you who read this book experience that which, by the grace of God, I have had the privilege to enjoy.

Additionally, I know the title of this book sounds at the very least trite and at the very worst like plagiarism, but it is amazing how many seemingly simple issues become obstacles that cause enormous rifts in relationships. Doesn’t it sound easy? “Husbands; love your wives!” Isn’t that what we think we do when we go into a marital relationship?

It is so easy to think the adoration and infatuation we have for the object of our lust and affections can be expressed as “love.” Unfortunately, the idea of love seems to always come with conditions. If I love you, you have to love me. If I go out and win the bread, you have to stay home and take care of the house, feed me, and raise my kids. If you want to live a certain life style, you have to get a job and help with the income, in addition to all of the above. By the way, equality in men and women working is a fantasy, for the most part. Women who go to work generally end up still doing the lion’s share of the work around the house, which includes cooking, cleaning, nurturing the children, and being the children’s counselor. While there are some men who either help or try to help in those roles, they are unfortunately the exception to the rule.

I can’t believe the number of people I have personally come in contact with who think as described, above. These are people who range from the intelligent and articulate to the dregs of the earth, and have had tremendous problems in their relationship, which they generally think are someone else’s fault (guess who’s) or can be resolved by having children or by earning more money so their burdens are lighter. Unfortunately, having

9 children brings enormous responsibility and expense, while earning more money causes the average couple to just spend more and obligate themselves to higher debt, which quickly eats up any advantage they would have had from a higher income and causes even greater stress.

I can look back at my own childhood and see the adverse affect such thoughts and practices had on our family and me personally. As a child, I was subject to many of the same obstacles and challenges children of today have to deal with. I was the oldest of six children; three boys and three girls. My father, I realized after many years of adulthood, was a good man, but had apparently not been given much love or a strong foundation as a boy. He was emotionally insecure and, as a result, a little unstable. He had a big heart, but would easily be aroused to rage, and was not reluctant to use physical punishments, in anger, that were not only inappropriate, but also disproportionate and counter-productive.

It is much easier to hate a parent who is physically abusive than one who administers discipline firmly, but in love.

It was clear (at least to me) he, in his own way, loved my mother, but his somewhat unstable nature caused him to react to her in much the same way a child with undeserved responsibility and low self-esteem would respond to his toys. His insecurities caused him to restrain my mother in legal, but nonetheless, confining conditions. He did not, for instance, want her to get a driver’s license. As long as she was confined to public transportation, he did not have to worry about her easily getting into situations he could not control. He would do all the grocery shopping and handled all the money—a big

10 mistake since she was the one with an infinitely greater ability to save and disburse money, wisely—and she would have to stay home with the children and babies.

There are many reasons he did the things he did, but suffice it to say his tyranny (for so it appeared to her) and suffocating methods lead to the demise of the marriage. He never got over my mother and continued to love her—I believe—until the day he died. He never remarried and never found another woman with whom he could have any real relationship.

I was twelve, at the time my parents divorced, and that was the age at which the court expected a child to take part in the decision as to which parent he would want to stay with. It was a combination of fear of retribution and pressure from my father, and feeling sorry for him–we all knew he was going to suffer heartache–that caused me to elect to stay with him. The three girls went with my mother and the three boys with my father.

It was not until later, I discovered my youngest sister was the daughter of the man my mother eventually ended up marrying. She was born several years before the divorce and

I suspect my father knew she was not his daughter. He never let on, but there were comments made by him before he died that made me think he knew and loved her, and my mother, anyway.

I say all this to one end. The consequences of a selfish—though perhaps genuine—love can be huge. My mother, in an attempt to rebel against the confinement she had

11 experienced, ended up doing things that generally always lead to a breakup of a marriage.

Nor do I blame her, solely. I believe they were equally at fault. There is, however, a

formula that will always prevent the destruction of the marriage and the family, if applied the way God meant it to be applied. That formula–hence the title of this book–is tucked away in a short book in the New Testament of the Bible. It is the book of Ephesians in chapter 5 verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives....”

I say nearly always, because we humans can almost always find ways to foul up even the most simple of formulas. There are also human conditions that will confound the situation ranging from emotional disturbances to mental illness. Many of those conditions appear in the form of jealousy, envy, greed, low self-esteem, identity crisis, schizophrenia, drug addictions, etc. Allowing for the complications those kinds of conditions can lead to, understand that even those, in my mind, with perhaps the exception of true mental illness, can be remedied with selfless and unconditional love.

Though I have no formal education in these matters, as one who has experienced sixty years of life, forty of which have been with the same woman—my first and only wife—I believe I am imminently qualified to speak to many of the issues surrounding the secrets and formulas for maintaining a good relationship with one’s spouse. Perhaps one might argue I have no experience with divorce and, therefore, can’t speak with authority on the subject. That would, of course, be an argument intended for the defense of those who have, for one reason or another, experienced or felt the need for, and are perhaps even trying to defend or justify divorce. Additionally, my personal experience as the oldest

12 child of a divorced couple, give me first hand knowledge of the negative result of divorce.

My relationship with my wife has not been forty years of only bliss. We were beset with challenges, at the outset, that were, I believe, even greater than those most failed marriages face. My wife, Evelyn, was born and raised in Berlin, Germany. She came to

America with her family when she was twelve years old. Being young, she easily assimilated the English language, but was already culturally programmed in European thought and traditions. She was and is a strong willed woman and believed she knew what she wanted out of life. Although it was all of the above, coupled with my physical attraction to her, that interested me in her; it was those same characteristics, which supplied endless challenges to a smooth relationship.

Our first years together were the wildest years and roller coaster of emotions and experiences I could ever imagine. We fought like cats and dogs. Had it not been for my addiction to the highs, the lows would most certainly have finished off the relationship.

Separating or giving up was not my first choice, since I had already experienced the agony of my parent’s marital problems and eventual divorce. Most of my friends were from broken families. I can’t, in fact, remember any friend I had as a youth that did not come from a “broken” home. There was little I had experienced that would have convinced me it was worth the difficulties and headaches involved in sticking it out.

13 I did not, at that time, know the formula I described above. All I knew was, I didn’t want to either be like my father who inadvertently drove away the woman he loved, nor did I want to loose the woman I was convinced–in large part because of the strong glandular and visual attraction I had for her–was the only woman for me. There were times I believe we “hated” each other, although that word may be a little strong and I doubt either of us would have admitted to it. We each experienced the frustration of believing one’s self to be in the right, but not being understood or getting agreement. She was a very confident woman and there were times I believe she would have left me if I insisted on being the one in the right. Still, I refused to give up. I persisted, time after time, and continued to be rewarded with the intoxicating highs that result from “making up” with the woman I was infatuated in and believed I loved.

Please understand, I know what I was feeling was infatuation and lust. I realize the attractions I felt were “carnal” and superficial. Somehow, though, I knew I had to persist.

As I mentioned, at that time, I did not know the formula around which this book is built.

Persistence was my only asset. I was convinced that, though we had some pretty great obstacles to overcome, leaving her for the unknown would be the worst thing I could do.

In my eyes, she was the best looking and most intelligent woman I could ever hope to convince I was worthy of her time or attentions. She was, as I mentioned, intelligent and could carry on credible, articulate, conversation. I felt it necessary to swallow my pride just to keep the prize that was so incredibly rewarding during our peaks. So persist, I did.

14 About 15 years into our roller coaster ride of emotions, I discovered “the formula.” That discovery, which sounded very plausible and promising, did not, however, tell me how to apply it in my life. Believe it or not, it took another twelve years–in spite of my discovery of and belief in the simple formula—to realize my wife’s emotions were always a reflection of my own. In other words, I discovered when I was expecting certain things to happen as a result of my actions, she would resent (without it being conscious) my conditional “love.” When I would complain about how she was acting toward me, I was actually expressing the conditions I expected her to live up to. When I would feel sorry for myself, because I was not getting the physical attentions I craved from her, that very physical attention was withheld with even more contempt. I would, generally, have to get to a point that we would have a huge fight, in which I would invariably realized I would have to eat humble pie in order to make her happy–which was still the thing I desired most. I just didn’t know how to do it consistently in a way that was not selfishly motivated.

You see, knowing that I was to love her unconditionally did not help me to understand when I was being conditional. I truly thought I was just obeying the instruction to love her. I actually thought I was capable of loving her without expecting something back from her. Yet, there were times I was unhappy, because I didn’t seem to be getting back the love I thought was supposed to come back, as a reflection, so to speak. Oh, how easy it would have been to just say, the formula doesn’t work. I would find myself sulking; feeling sorry for myself, because I didn’t feel the love returned by the one I loved. It was that feeling, which revealed to me my selfish nature. It slowly became clear to me, but

15 only in retrospect, I was expecting something; a reward of affection–physical or otherwise–or a return of love for the love I was giving her. It led to me feeling sorry for myself–always a destructive emotion. The “formula” promised love would come back as a reflection, but it didn’t always come back the way I expected. If I loved with the expectation of getting love back, it was most certainly a condition.

When I look back, I believe I can honestly say it had always been my intention to be the kind of husband my wife would want. In fact, I wanted to be the kind of husband God would want me to be. I was highly motivated to have the woman that attracted me more than any other, who had more variety in her life; who inspired me than any other, the woman who had exposed me to a new, exciting culture and helped me learn an inspiring second language (the anecdotes could go on for pages), be happy, both with life and with me. I know this next realization, which I alluded to above, makes me sound dumber than dirt, but—much to my chagrin—it is true. I have come to the conclusion that description of my wife easily fits every wife, if a husband but makes the decision to recognize it.

As I said, in our twenty-seventh year, I had a revelation. That’s right, it took me 27 years from the time we met to understand the truth. It is true I had read the “formula” many times. I had even counseled others that the formula was the only way to marital happiness. I “knew” that to be the case, even if I personally couldn’t always apply it the way I knew it should be applied. One day, as I was reading that passage in the book of

Ephesians, again, it came to me. What it says is, “Husbands, love your wives, just as

Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it…” What finally struck me was,

16 Christ did not wait until the church was deserving of his love, nor did he expect anything in return from the church. Due to human nature, he could not expect anything in return.

Nevertheless, He gave Himself– his life–for the church. He did not place any conditions on loving the church. Nor did he place any limit on what he was willing to give for the church. He gave His own life for the church; the ultimate sacrifice; unconditionally.

I had been applying the formula in ways that sometimes seemed to complicate the problem. In fact, the very idea that I was applying the formula betrays the underlying reason for that application. I was sure the formula worked, but I was no longer convinced

I was applying it for unselfish reasons. Sure, I believed I was choosing to “love” my wife. I remember often thinking, “I love my wife, why is she so impatient with me, or why doesn’t she respect me, or….______” You can insert many verbs in that blank. I realized I was loving her, but I was always expecting it to result in some return of affection. I was being conditional. It was then I realized every time I showed her love, without expecting something in return, not only did she respond by exhibiting love for me, but I found myself feeling much more fulfilled and relieved, because I wasn’t doing it for gain, but purely for the joy of loving.

Without trying to sound like I am down on men (after all, I am one), I believe we are virtually all that stupid. I expect there are those who are exposed, either by their up bringing, guidance from a counselor, or just an earlier revelation, to those concepts that lead to a fulfilling relationship, but that does not seem to be the general rule. It is for the

17 men and women that fall into the “general rule,” that I am reaching out. I will attempt to

break it down into language even I could have understood.

It is my belief there is no justification or excuse for divorce (other than perhaps marital infidelity and that is open to a lot of debate). It is also my belief there is no reason for any married partners not to benefit from a long, wonderful, lasting, and fulfilling relationship. It is, further, with this education of experience and success, achieved through many human failures and an attempt to follow God’s instruction that I enter into the realm of attempting to instruct my fellow man in what I have come to understand with regard to marriage. I hope it will be received in the way it is intended.

18 CHAPTER 1

INSANITY

Recognize It Before It Is Almost Impossible To Overcome.

I know you have heard this phrase before, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result every time.” That concept fits much of what we as a culture do. When we lose a job–one with which we were unhappy, anyway–we look for another that is like it. We even look for one, which pays about the same, thinking subconsciously that is what our skills or we are worth. When we fail at anything, we often decide it was not worth succeeding at, or we try it again without making any real changes and fail again. More than once, I have heard someone say, “I don’t want to be rich,” or “I don’t want a better car.” Although there are undoubtedly some who truly feel that way, it is generally always an excuse to justify the “failure” to be able to accomplish either.

The same is true with our relationships. One doesn’t need to quote statistics for the average person to recognize or notice the overwhelming number of marriages that don’t last today. The percentages would stagger the mind, if one weren’t, because of exposure, so inured to the fact. The legacy of the last several generations has gone from the occasional decision to put our selfish concerns and “needs” ahead of those of our spouse to a whole society that sees marriage as a temporary (and often unnecessary) institution designed to meet glandular needs—without consequence—and self centered arrangements to try to reap the most material gain without earning it. In other words, it has led to husbands who are in their relationships with their wives only for what they can

19 get out of it for themselves (mostly sex) and wives that consider husbands an undesirable, but necessary, means to a financial end. It seems the liberated woman sees the husband as someone to compete with and the children as necessary evils at best and disposable consequences at worst. As things get progressively worse in a relationship, they will say,

“I don’t love him/her, anyway.” This just underscores my above assertion. It is insanity.

We enter into a relationship with the idea it should be something we are not willing to or don’t have to make sacrifices to make work. We end up failing and having to trying it over and over again, either marriage or live-in relationships, expecting it to work, because it is with someone new. Perhaps the new someone will be more “compatible.”

The truth in society has been so distorted that, to even speak of marriage as a respectable institution, is scoffed at as foolish, overdone, and an unrealistic and archaic viewpoint.

Since it seldom works, it must be a defective concept. It is even suggested, by serious minded people, that marriage should be redefined–depending on sexual preferences–or, perhaps, be a renewable and even conditional contract. In other words, “Let’s try it for a while.” That idea has been passively accepted as, “Let’s live together. If we are compatible physically, emotionally, and economically, we can always make it permanent.” Some misguided souls have proposed it should be a legal contract with a ceremony and the whole works. If it doesn’t work out, we can just let the contract expire, subject to predetermined conditions and dispositions. If it does work, we can renew the contract every (5) years.”

20 That concept is so absurd I could not let the whole issue of the true nature and meaning of marriage just become a default definition based on current social standards. It is with the certainty of personal experience and verifiable evidence that motivates me to take this time to write about a subject that is so torn by social ignorance, deceit, and corruption. It is because the rewards of following the unimaginably simple formula are beyond your wildest fantasies and dreams that one needs to take a serious look at what marriage really should be. What is totally obvious to those who are intellectually honest with themselves and their emotions is, without a total commitment to anything in life, one is doomed to failure. If the contract or commitment is entered into with a built in failure date, or an

“out” if it gets a little tough, how can one possibly expect to succeed?

There is a strong delusion, cast by today’s media and social addictions, implying the only thing that brings happiness in life is sex. Money can buy sex and sex can earn money.

Sexually controlled hormonal urges become power over the one being controlled and, through media sources, over mass media. This, of course, is not a lot different than the concept that power brings ultimate happiness and joy. Sexual manipulation and prowess is, without the benefit of moral direction and restraint, after all, one form of exercising power over others. We “fall in love” and decide the obvious conclusion for that “falling” is sex. If we can cause a form of euphoria in our partner, we are exercising a “good” kind of control over that partner. Sharing the most intimate activity possible, leads to either a temporary belief that it really is “love,” or that the very euphoria of that activity justifies all peripheral commitments or consequences that accompany it. The term “making love”

(a complete devolution of the concept of love) is eagerly applied to the act of having sex

21 or it is made light of by calling it “sleeping together.” It is the most intimate activity a human has to offer; yet we imagine we can share that intimacy without having to make any commitments, get or remain serious, or have any consequences.

I believe it was about ten years ago when I saw the first evidence, I can actually remember, of just how liberal our media and society was getting in a “situation comedy,” on TV, which showed a man and a woman lying in bed after what was obviously to be assumed such an intimate encounter. The woman got up and started to get dressed to leave. She looked sweetly at the man and said, “by the way, what was your name?” The canned laughter made it clear it was meant to be comedy! The implication is that one can share the most intimate of acts with a total stranger and, because of the glandular satisfaction it provides, it is perfectly acceptable and even a source of humor. What was a shock to me, at the time, has become commonplace on TV and in movies.

Love is, without a doubt, one of the most complex concepts and words we have to deal with. It is staggering how many feelings and actions are dubbed “love.” To try to simplify it only makes the matter worse. It is the simplification of “love” that has led to many of the problems we deal with in our western culture. There are many sexually transmitted diseases that are transmitted with the idea one is sharing or “making” love.

Jealousy, resulting from misdirected or selfish beliefs that the feelings are love, can and have resulted in deaths; either of the one that is seen as the threat of destruction of that love or the one who is the object of that “love.” That misdirection or corruption of what love is, has even been the cause of wars and religious movements.

22 One of the reasons this love is such a troubling issue is that there are several types of love with which our psychological makeup has to deal. In the Greek, they are listed with separate words for the different kinds of love. The following are some of the definitions or explanations of the different concepts of love as used in the Greek.

Eros (ér�s) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The

Modern Greek word “erotas” means “(romantic) love”. Plato refined his own definition. Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. It should be noted Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, “without physical attraction.” Plato also said Eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth.

Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. The most famous ancient work on the subject of eros is Plato’s Symposium, which is a discussion among the students of Socrates on the nature of eros. (Nationmaster.com

Encyclopedia)

It is from this word we derive the word “erotic,” and “eroticism.” It is associated with lust and physical attraction (in spite of Plato’s personal definition), having to do with a kind of love having no permanence or commitment. It is this kind of

“love” that leads to pornography, prostitution, and even homosexuality. It includes voyeurism, pedophilia, necrophilia. Although it can and often does lead to love in the more familiar sense that we associate love with, it is generally not

23 considered the most healthy form of love. It is most often the result of visual stimulation and the arousal in doing that which is forbidden.

Philia (philía), means friendship in modern meansin Greek friendship (philía), Philia , a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philia denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

(Nationmaster.com Encyclopedia)

The word “philia” has been co-opted for concepts, which have no business even using the form. For instance, pedophilia, and necrophilia, neither of which have any relationship to the kind of loyalty or virtue for which the term is meant. Wikipedia defines pedophilia as:

The term pedophilia or paedophilia has a range of definitions as found in psychology, law enforcement, and the popular vernacular. As a medical diagnosis, it is defined as a psychological disorder in which an adult experiences a sexual preference for prepubescent children. According to the DSM

(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), pedophilia is specified as a form of paraphilia in which a person either has acted on intense sexual urges towards children, or experiences recurrent sexual urges towards and fantasies about children that cause distress or interpersonal difficulty. The

24 disorder is frequently a feature of persons who commit child sexual abuse; however, some offenders do not meet the clinical diagnosis standards for pedophilia. In strictly behavioral contexts, the word "pedophilia" can also be applied to the act of child sexual abuse itself, also called "pedophilic behavior. ”In law enforcement, the term "pedophile" is generally used to describe those accused or convicted of the sexual abuse of a minor (including both prepubescent children and adolescent minors younger than the local age of consent. An example of this use can be seen for example in the name of the

United Kingdom police agency, the Pedophile Unit and in various forensic trainings [sic] manuals. Some researchers have described this usage as improper and suggested it can confound two separate types of offenders. In common usage, the term refers to any adult who is sexually attracted to children or who sexually abuses a child. The causes of pedophilia are not known; research is ongoing. Most pedophiles are men, though pedophilia occurs in women as well. In forensic psychology and law enforcement, there have been a variety of typologies suggested to categorize pedophiles according to behavior and motivations. No significant curative treatment for pedophilia has been found at this time. There are, however, certain therapies that can reduce the incidence of pedophilic behaviors that result in child sexual abuse.

The love one feels for their parents, children, or other family members, is Philia love. It is one of the kinds of love that every society experiences. It is a love that grows out of

25 dependency and nurturing from the time of birth. A child loves his/her mother, because the mother gives selfless love to the child. The child cannot help but love the mother, because the mother has loved unconditionally. It is a natural response to love those who love you. Although our current socially deficient society has to deal with an ever- increasing lack of unconditional parental love—which, unfortunately, has led to children growing up with insecurities and emotional problems, along with a need to find “love” wherever they can—invariably unconditional parental love results in children loving their parents unconditionally. The unavoidable consequences of the unloving parents of today are becoming problems all of society has to deal with. Just as a young girl can end up trying to find the love her father never displayed for her in the arms or bed of another man, so, too, can anyone end up looking for love in the arms of whomever it seems is willing to show physical affection. That is not enduring, true, love. The absence of familial love from one or more parents can never be truly replaced or compensated for in erotic love. More often, trying to replace philia love with eros love leads to hurt and suffering.

So you can see the application of philia love to the perverse actions of turning one’s lust toward children or the deceased is, in itself, a distortion and a perversion. The terms pedophilia and necrophilia cause feelings of disgust in most people, even in a society that is as accepting of the deviations of relationships as ours. It is the idea that the Greek word “philia” is applied to such perversions, thereby implying a form of “love,” that is such a dichotomy.

26 Agap�modern(agáp�)means in dayGreek. “love” The term agapo means

“I love you” in Greek. The word “agapo” is the verb “I love.” In Ancient Greek it often refers to a general affection or concern, rather than the physical attraction suggested by “eros;” agape is used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one’s children, and the feelings for a spouse. The verb appears in the New

Testament describing, amongst other things, the relationship between Jesus and the beloved disciple. In the end, “agape” is differentiated from “eros” below. In biblical literature, its meaning and usage is illustrated by self-sacrificing, giving love to all, both friend and enemy. The word “agape” is not always used in the

New Testament in a positive sense.

In “GotQuestions.org, Agape Love is further defined as:

The Greek word agape is often translated "love" in the New Testament. How is

"agape love" different from other types of love? The essence of agape love is self-sacrifice. Unlike our English word “love,” agape is not used in the Bible to refer to romantic or sexual love. Nor does it refer to close friendship or brotherly love, for which the Greek word philia is used. Nor does agape mean charity, a term which the King James translators carried over from the Latin. Agape love is unique and is distinguished by its nature and character.

Agape is love, which is of and from God, whose very nature is love itself. The

Apostle John affirms this in 1 John 4:8, “God is love. God does not merely love;

He is love itself. Everything God does flows from His love. But it is important to

27 remember that God’s love is not a sappy, sentimental love such as we often hear portrayed. God loves because that is His nature and the expression of His being.

He loves the unlovable and the unlovely (us!), not because we deserve to be loved, but because it is His nature to do so, and He must be true to His nature and character. God’s love is displayed most clearly at the Cross, where Christ died for the unworthy creatures who were “dead in trespasses and sins”

(Ephesians 2:1), not because we did anything to deserve it, “but God commends

His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us” (Romans

5:8). The object of agape love never does anything to merit His love. We are the undeserving recipients upon whom He lavishes that love. His love was demonstrated when He sent His Son into the world to “seek and save that which was lost” (Luke 19:10), and to provide eternal life to those He sought and saved.

He paid the ultimate sacrifice for those He loves.

In the same way, we are to love others sacrificially. Jesus gave the parable of the Good

Samaritan as an example of sacrifice for the sake of others, even for those who may care nothing at all for us, or even hate us, as the Jews did the Samaritans. Sacrificial love is not based on a feeling, but a determined act of the will, a joyful resolve to put the welfare of others above our own. But this type of love does not come naturally to humans.

Because of our fallen nature, we are incapable of producing such a love. If we are to love as God loves, that love—that agape—can only come from its true Source. This is the love which “has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit given to us” when we became His children (Romans 5:5). Because that love is now in our hearts, we can obey

28 Jesus who said, “I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. As I have loved you, you should also love one another” (John 13:34). This new commandment involves loving one another as He loved us–sacrificially, even to the point of death. But again, it is clear that only God can generate within us the kind of self-sacrificing love, which is the proof that we are His children. “By this we have known the love of God, because He laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:16). Because of God’s love toward us, we are now able to love one another.

Storge (storg�) means affection in Modern in Greek;means (storg�) Storgeaffection It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family.

It should be obvious then, even to the most deceived of minds, that what one “falls into” is not love (Philia or Agape or Storge), but lust (Eros). Lust is a hormonal response to stimuli. It does not have to make sense. If one has a hormone response to a child (as described above) that results in lust, it can lead to pedophilia. If that hormone response is from stimuli related to relatives, it can lead to incest. If it is related to others of the same gender, it can lead to homosexuality. If it is related to corpses, it can lead to necrophilia.

Obviously, none of those conditions or actions has anything to do with love (Philia or

Agape). Nor can they, because of their hormonal causations, be considered “normal” in a social sense.

29 That is the kind of love that only has to do with eroticism. In reality, it is not “love,” in the endearing, committed sense, at all. To be sure, one experiences all the same highs one would expect to have when with one’s spouse. The glands work well, that way. It is the satisfaction of those glandular stimulations that leads to succumbing to the desires of those glands. Whole societies have been built and destroyed for the satisfaction of those glandular addictions. Promise of all kinds of consequences for giving in to the purely glandular drive (like AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases, financial ruin, jealous rage and murders) have fallen far short of reining in one’s drive and controlling one’s glandular actions. Wars have been fought and empires have fallen over the rights to display and freedoms to exercise those addictions. The relative certainty of eventual sexually transmitted disease, many of which are incurable and some always fatal, have not deterred those who are only interested in those sexual highs. Fear of transmitting those diseases to others or catching them has not stemmed the tide of sexual promiscuity. It is, after all, far more important to give in to and experience the highs of glandular satisfaction than it is to consider the health and well being of one’s self and others

(sarcasm).

While the above demonstrates the misleading nature of what is often referred to as love, but can more accurately be described as decadence, it is also true one’s healthy, long lasting, relationship with that person who will become the one to whom one is willing to commit to a lifetime of unselfish attentions, generally starts with a “healthy” erotic (Eros) attraction. It is this kind of love a man and woman feel for each other and exercise in an intelligent and directed effort that leads to a relationship that is unequaled by anything

30 short of one’s relationship with God. It begins with a decision and ends with the fulfillment of a commitment. When exercised the way the formula provides for, it results in a best friend, in whom one can confide, more than with any other. He/she is a friend who shares the same goals, aspirations, and emotional highs and lows. This is a friend who, at the same time, arouses all the same glandular emotions without all the regrets, and compromises. This friend would gladly give his/her life for their best friend. It is this latter love I want to discuss further.

Whether the theme of this book works for everyone who employs the selfless, unconditional, love, and dedication with regard to their partner, I would think an all knowing God could devise a formula, theme, or plan, that would work for whomever it is that puts it into effect in their lives. However, I personally have difficulty recognizing one might find fulfillment in a life long loving, monogamous, relationship when it is founded on a perversion like homosexuality (I know there are many who don’t like that expressed as a perversion, but the English language and the Bible clearly endorses it), or a distortion of what a husband and wife relationship was designed to be.

Equally clear is the fact that the final arbiter of all that matters is the creator of the universe. If, in spite of the fact the Bible is so unambiguous about anti-Biblical–such as homosexual and other relationships–God in His infinite wisdom and love, chooses to embrace those who opt for those life styles, I can find neither fault nor disagreement with

God. He, after all, is the one who declared His Son died for all mankind. He is the one who commanded us to love even our enemies. When he said we were to love our

31 neighbors, I don’t remember the part of that commandment that excluded people who are living a life style that seems to be outside the teachings of the Bible. I am, frankly, quite glad it is not up to me to decide the fate of those who choose to do it their way. Since I am quite certain I am guilty of doing things that would exclude me from the love and acceptance of God, were it not for his infinite grace, it would be difficult, indeed, for me to condemn someone to eternal damnation as a result of doing things that are, in God’s eyes, no better than those we are discussing. It has been said, by Jesus, to be guilty of one sin is to be guilty of them all (paraphrased). Any and all sin is enough to make us imperfect and disqualify us from the gates of heaven. Having said that, it is the fruit of our relationship with God that is reflected in our life styles. I don’t have the power of condemnation, but God has given each of us the power of judgment, whether we exercise good or bad judgment. If one’s fruits are not in line with a confession of faith, one can only assume the confession of faith is less than genuine. The validity of that assumption is in God’s hands for him to do with as he, in His role as our creator, sees fit. It is, after all, made clear that, while there is only one unforgivable sin, the sins of sexual immorality are most egregious to God.

32 CHAPTER 2

FRIENDS FOR LIFE

This One’s For Keeps

A February 20, 2008, report in “Naked Capitalism” shows close friendships have been on the decline. The following is an excerpt from that article:

“Why is Friendship on the Decline? the on“WhyFriendship is

Friendship is not yet an endangered species, but it is on the wane. Studies in the

US and France both found that people are spending less time with friends, neighbors, and relatives. The amount of hours worked, not surprisingly, seems to have something to do with this pattern, since a reduction in the workweek in

France led to an up tick in social time. But the researchers seem to miss another pattern: it isn't just hours but priorities. At least in the US, for many people a job is not just a job, it's a much more important part of their identity than it ever used to be and perhaps than it is in other cultures.

One phenomenon that is very common in New York, and I assume in other large cities, is that people are very casual about canceling social engagements at the last minute for work-related reasons. I used to be good about sticking with my plans, but I felt like a chump (I cut way back on my entertaining when a number of people cancelled on a dinner party the same day. This was in the 1980s, and

33 things have only gotten worse since then). Peoples' actions said that seeing me wasn't a high priority, so why should I treat them better than I was being treated?

That sort of casualness degrades social ties in ways that might not be easily captured but I have found are corrosive. And you can still have a competitive economy without having that degree of subservience to work. In Australia,

"mateship" is valued very highly and people place much more emphasis on their social life. But Australia has tougher labor laws than the US; it's harder to fire people. Might there be a connection between job security and emphasis on social interaction? Most Americans I know are afraid to say no to work demands.”

Whether this decline is related to the intimate relationship one seems to develop with his/her job, or whether it is because we have become so involved in “privacy, security, self indulgences,” or other social ills, it is getting to the point where a large majority of people in America is unable to identify anyone as a “best friend” with whom they can share intimate problems, concerns, defeats and victories. More and more we are becoming isolated amidst large crowds of our peers. We don’t seem to have time to encourage close friendships or devote the necessary attention to that end. We are becoming increasingly more suspicious of those we meet. We worry about exploitation.

We set priorities that allow first for personal needs, then for our work needs, then—if there is time—for our spouse and, at the bottom of the list, our children. It seems all that doesn’t allow time or energy or even the risk of allowing ourselves the indulgence of close friendships.

34 My wife and I had friends for twenty years, whom we considered our best friends. In my mind, best friends will never abandon one another, even when there is a serious disagreement about things one or the other might consider extremely important. Being best friends means being able to confront each other about the disagreement and work out a solution that works, even if there is still basic disagreement. It is a dedication to one another that transcends offenses and misunderstandings.

It became clear to us, about ten years ago, the feelings we had about that “best friendship” were not as reciprocal as we thought. Something happened, with regard to an expectation they had of us, which we were apparently not responsive to. In spite of my overt apologies (for something I wasn’t even sure was deserving of an apology), and my requests for forgiveness, they were not interested in reconciliation. To this day, I make efforts to rectify any misunderstanding that might have happened and to let them know how important their friendship is to me. Nevertheless, it seems to fall on deaf ears. They are pleasant and cordial toward us, but they make no attempt to stay in touch and nurture the friendship. I’m sure I will never understand it, but it makes the point of how difficult it is to have the lasting, true “best friend” relationship in today’s society.

It is in this particular dilemma that the importance of your spouse being your best friend becomes apparent. I can remember, as a young man, expecting a “best friend” to always be another man. Certainly, only a man could understand what I was feeling and would be someone in whom I could not only confide, but with whom I could joke and perhaps undertake life adventures. The fact that I had been raised in a typical, lower to middle

35 class, American, family insured I was raised devoid of all concept of a wife being more than the mother of the kids, housekeeper, and lover. Though those are important rolls, it was a very limiting and, I contend, devastating destructive concept for marriage.

It was in large part the narrow minded, selfish, hierarchical, attitude of the male ego, which led to women feeling they needed a liberating movement. It was contagious and now the women of today’s society are narrow minded, selfish, hierarchical, and less content than ever. Women have come to believe, in order to prove their equality, they need to compete in the work place, they need to be dominant in relationships, they need to provoke and initiate relationships, they have decided they need to be visually stimulated, and in turn, want to be the visually stimulating member of any relationship.

They want to be in control of their own bodies, offering it to or enticing with it to capture, for however short an encounter they chose, the man of their immediate attention. It has become so important that the consequences are manifold and not beneficial, but also nearly completely overlooked.

For instance, it has become common for men to wait for the woman to be the aggressor.

A woman calls the man, asks him out, pays (at least) for her own meals and entertainment

(which helps avoid obligation), seduces, and dumps him. Men have come to expect the woman to court them. If the woman does not make the move, the encounter or relationship will often not happen. The control over everything that relates to the body has, for women, become so important, they even want to control the fetus in their bodies when the indiscriminate act of “sex” results in the normal consequence of pregnancy.

36 The dichotomy in today’s legal system, which prevents one’s control of their own body with regard to destructive drugs and soliciting, but allows one to mutilate their own body and destroy the body of the unborn child, is beyond comprehension to anyone who can think beyond selfish concerns and feels moral standards should apply.

I know this description will not win me any friends in the more liberal thinking communities, but it fits with God’s plan. When priorities and morals become jumbled, it is the institutions and innocent who always seem to suffer the most. Marriage has become so unimportant it is ridiculed by all but the ones for whom it was never fashioned. Homosexuals now long for the institutional approval heterosexuals once had exclusive right to. They see it as the highest substantiation of a relationship, while heterosexuals are increasingly seeing it as bondage. Having babies has become such an unwanted consequence of a relationship that even President Barack Obama has said in several of his stump speeches in 2008 that he, “…wouldn’t want my daughters to be punished by having to give birth to unwanted babies,” by not having the option of abortion.

If one takes the Biblical story literal, Adam and Eve were the first married couple. There was, of course, no other man or woman to compete for the affections of this auspicious couple. There was also no one that could come between them or cause jealousy. It was clear, without having to be told, instructed, threatened, or cajoled; the relationship would have to work. They were, in fact, designed for each other. Since then, the very fact that one has choices has both confounded the situation and, potentially, improved the results.

37

Every time a man and woman choose to “tie the knot,” and in the western culture it is

always a matter of choice, one has the choice to make their lives unequaled in happiness

or miserable in bondage. The apostle Paul says, in Ephesians 5, “Husbands love your

wives….” Now whether you believe in Christian doctrine or not, the statement, in and of

itself, is beautifully simple and to the point. It does not say to fall in love with your wife.

It does not say one should love their wife in return for her adoration or what she can do

for you. It does not say one should love her in return for sex, or children, or meal

preparation. In fact, it does not say anything but “Love your wife.” One would think that

is a pretty simple concept. It has, however, proven to be anything but simple.

Someone close to me was recently in a short-lived marriage. It started out with mutual

admiration. It was certainly influenced by lust. It soon became apparent to those on the

outside that “she” wanted to be loved in all the ways that matter. She wanted to be

important to him; number one in his chain of consideration. She did not want to only be

a surrogate mother; a meal preparer; a housekeeper, or even a jewel in his crown. She

wanted to be special to him the way no other is special. When confronted about his role

in the relationship, his response was, well, I do this and I do that for her. She doesn’t do the things I need. It is an unequal relationship. I do all these nice little things for her and she doesn’t do anything for me.

You see, it is very difficult to conceive of the idea of unconditional love. (I do love her unconditionally, he said, but she doesn’t show me the kind of love I need.

38 Unconditional?) It is easier to understand or perceive unrequited love. What he—and what most men—did and do not understand is, the gift of love without the requirement of repayment or “something in return,” cannot help but end up with that love being returned in unimaginable quality and quantity. This concept is not exclusive to men, but I not only believe it was intended for men to initiate this unselfish, unconditional love. I believe the need women have to experience this selfless and absolute love is genetic. As mentioned earlier, it is the absolute and unconditional love a baby has for its mother that results in the ultimate and overwhelming love a mother has for the baby and vice versa. The same,

I believe, is true of the wife’s response to unconditional love.

The only thing that seems to trump that genetic response is a programmed selfishness that our generation and society spawns. Any inconvenience, in our socially deprived environment, becomes justification for discarding anything that requires anything that resembles sacrifice, including unwanted, burdensome, children.

Not too long ago, I heard a story about a church going woman who, in a state of despair, turned to her pastor for unusual counsel. She asked him, “Pastor, my husband is a lazy, selfish, egotistical man who takes advantage of me, hurts me emotionally, and generally couldn’t care what happens to me. I am planning on leaving him, but I want to do something to get even with him. I know this is an unusual thing to ask a pastor, but…what can I do to really hurt my husband before I leave him?”

The pastor responded thoughtfully, “That is truly an unusual request. I can understand you are hurt and are feeling betrayed by him. Although it is not my place to counsel you

39 on how to get even with him, it occurs to me there is something you can do that would completely devastate him.”

“What is it?” the woman asked eagerly.

“For the next thirty days,” began the pastor, “treat your husband as though he were a king. When he comes home from work have a wonderful meal waiting for him. Fix your hair the way he likes it. Show interest in his work and how his day went. Do little things to make him feel special. Make him think he is the most important person in your life.

At the end of the thirty days, dump him like a lead balloon. Just have your bags packed and leave. Make it completely unexpected and without notice.” He could see the wheels turning in the woman’s eyes.

“That would really hurt him, wouldn’t it?” she asked.

“I don’t believe there is anything that could hurt him more,” the pastor said with a somber look.

The pastor went about his business and did not notice the woman for several months.

One day, as he had a chance encounter with her, he said, “Well! How are things going?

Did you do what you planned? Did you dump your husband?”

He saw a look of surprise in her eyes as she said, “Pastor, whatever are you talking about? My husband is the greatest man in the world. Why, I couldn’t ask for anyone

40 better.” The pastor smiled a knowing smile as the woman turned and walked off to find her loving husband.

You see; it does not only work if the man initiates such unselfish and unconditional love.

Unconditional love cannot help but illicit unconditional love. It remains, however, that the man, in the role God conceived for him, is the one from whom such unconditional love should spring. The command, in the same Biblical text, for a woman to honor her husband, is a natural result of the unconditional love she receives from her husband.

How can one not honor or respect and love one who so obviously loves you?

That brings us to the question of whether one can continue nurturing and forming friendships with the opposite sex, after getting married. Recently, on one of the Cable

News Networks, I heard the question, “Can one continue to have friends of the opposite sex after getting married?” The person of whom that question was asked found the question humorous. It seems this “knowledgeable” person didn’t find that a problem, at all. Certainly there are many programs on TV and movies that show people having those relationships. Sometimes they show them as being “innocent” or “harmless,” but more often they show them escalating into relationships that are not healthy to the marriage.

One of the most prolific destroyers of marriage is temptation. The hardest thing to overcome, in that regard, is the inability to recognize temptation.

There are two issues that need to be addressed. The first is the “appearance” of impropriety. Most people, and men are particularly guilty of this, will deny there is even

41 a reason to be concerned about the appearance of impropriety. First, the argument is the

time you spend with that friend of the opposite sex, is innocent and harmless. If someone

sees it as improper, it is their problem, even if it is his or her spouse who has that

perception. It is so insidious that most people feel a need to try to either cover up just

how deep the feelings for that person are, or hide it all together. The result is most wives

don’t even know about the close relationship or friendship their husband’s have with

someone, for instance, at the work place.

Second, in an attempt to prove either to yourself or to your friends and spouse that it is,

indeed, harmless, one will often increase or intentionally create opportunity to prove its

innocence. It is, however, the repeated and intentional exposure to the attentions of this

friend that most often leads to events that are not acceptable. It might seem innocent, at

first (although I believe the subconscious is not that stupid), but the more comfortable a

person becomes with this friend, the more likely it is to lead to something one will regret.

They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. One might think their intentions

are good and innocent, but the exposure to opportunity and temptation can negate any

“good” there might have been.

So many relationships have been destroyed, because a husband or wife has, for “work

related needs,” been put in the awkward position of having a business lunch or dinner

with a client or colleague or employer of the opposite gender. As a real estate

Broker/Agent, I have a policy of never having a business lunch with a female client without my wife being present. Either the purchase or sale of a property would have to

42 be consummated without such business luxuries, or the client respected the need for me to have my wife present. In the many years I have employed this rule, since having become a Christian and understanding the principle and the reason for it, I have never received anything but the utmost respect when I explained my rules and reasons to the parties involved. Quite the contrary, most people are moved by the respect I show my wife. The same, I’m sure, would be true if my wife were faced with a similar situation.

I believe a lot of caution also needs to be exercised with regard to a married couple having friends that are not married. It would appear, as long as one of the partners does not allow this to introduce moments of impropriety, meaning husband and wife are always present when the friend of the opposite sex is around, it need not be bad. The truth is, having such a friendship that is not guided by and falls strictly within the guidelines of a Christian faithfulness by all parties, is inviting opportunities for us to fall.

God knows there are enough single Christian men and women who have either succumbed to temptation unexpectedly presented to them or Christian couples who have suffered divorce as the result of opportunities, which were perhaps not presented intentionally, but were nevertheless too tempting to ignore.

The command, “Husbands, love your wives!” is not just a suggestion. Nor is it something to take lightly or half-heartedly. To do it right; to have a relationship that passes all the imaginary tales and all the love stories you see in the movies, you have to be able to follow the letter of the formula. Putting yourself in a position, whether by intent or by peer pressure, to be tempted is not a facet of unconditional love. None, and I

43 repeat, none of us are perfect at it. Every shortfall is an opportunity to learn, confess, and improve. Anything less is not unconditional, nor is it love by choice. Nor do I want to convey the idea I have accomplished the impossible. I fall short in the role I believe I have come to understand, but I can honestly say I recognize what the instruction says and how it is to be applied. I doubt I will ever be able to apply the principal without fault.

That will, however, not stop me from trying to love my wife without expecting anything in return. Though I fall short, I will continue to look to God to provide me with, not only the wisdom to recognize where I fall short, but the dedication to remain faithful to the objective.

44

CHAPTER 3

CAN’T BUY ME LOVE…

More Than Just a Jingle

The incidence of juvenile and adult delinquency, in western society seems to be a pretty clear consequence of the baby boomer generation’s decision to make sure their children have more than they did as a child, and that it is much easier to give a child toys than to give love. They even believe it is more important to make them swim in “things” and have an easier life that what we experienced as children. Mom and Dad are both out earning an income, so they have little or no time to give the children. That’s okay, though, they feel, because they can make up for it by putting a computer with internet access in their kid’s bedrooms, along with TVs, electronic toys, computer games, cell phones, and uninhibited freedom to do whatever they please with whomever they please, whenever they please. They expect their children to be happy and well adjusted as a result.

It appears their feeling is, if they can’t be available to see them grow up, or instruct them in the art of becoming an adult, or provide them with a protective or loving hug in times of crisis, and reprimand or discipline when they do something wrong, the least they can do is provide them with material things and the freedom to make those things the dominant and most important parts of their lives. And, believe me, they will, in most cases, do the least they can. The evidence of how well this system works is found in the schools where teaching is a joke and immorality is the rule. Prisons are full of young

45 people who grew up with things or TV, instead of love, or without love but with the belief things would solve that lack. It is far too inconvenient for most parents to take that path. The liberal establishment demands legislation that makes most of the historically successful methods of keeping a loved child on the straight and narrow illegal or politically incorrect. It is, however, demonstrable that the politically accepted alternatives just don’t work.

Just as we cannot buy our children’s love, the love of a spouse can also not be purchased.

The consumer economy we currently “enjoy,” coupled with the unprecedented prosperity that comes from our capitalist state, result in not only an ability, but also a perception that we need to purchase those things we think our loved ones either want or need. This ends up being just another facet of “I will do something for or give you something if you will love (take care of me, sleep with me, take care of my children) me. If you do enough for me, I might even have the incentive to try to be able to buy you more.” In today’s depressed economy, perhaps that attitude might change a little, but I won’t hold my breath.

That is because it is a rather safe way for you to appear to be committed to someone; primarily because it doesn’t require anything of you that would not otherwise be done by you. You are going to work and earn money as a course of your desire to have a profession and provide for your own security. It frees you up from making any real commitments or having to feel obligated on a personal level. In other words, you are not obligated to do anything emotionally strenuous, sacrificial, or giving of yourself, for your spouse, because you have already compensated or “paid” them for what you expect from

46 them in return. In fact, it is hoped it will obligate your spouse to do something for you, in return.

While it is true that, just as when you pay an employee you engender a form of

“obligation” or loyalty, and even perhaps a degree of contentment or security, so too you can often create an environment with your spouse where she is content to do certain things for you (even glandular things) in return for the false security obtained by receiving a commitment to provide things or services.

I know that particular critique will sound overly negative, in light of all the “love Stories” on sees in movies and reads about in novels. It is even clear we know of people (couples) who actually seem to love each other unconditionally; and perhaps they do. If one looks into it, deep enough, I think it will, however, reveal that the people involved have some kind of an arrangement, which, together with their particular personalities, makes the relationship work. It could be for a lifetime or for a few years. It is when real obstacles find their way into such a relationship (or any relationship, for that matter) that the stuff out of which the marriage is made is tested. It can, for whatever period of time, be a very pleasant relationship if both of the spouses are getting what they expect to get out of the relationship.

Would it not be better to have someone want to care about and for you completely without being obligated to do so in return for favors or things of value? There is no

47 clearer or better way to receive love than when it is the reflection of the love you give unconditionally (without expecting that reflection).

In Biblical times, and certainly not limited to Jewish or Christian societies, it was quite customary for men and women to be given into marriage, by the parents, often long before the betrothed were old enough to even know what was going on. It is interesting to note, many—if not most—of those arranged relationships became solid, loving, enduring marriages. Yet most of the modern relationships, spousal or otherwise, don’t endure more than a modest, almost laughingly, short time.

What is it that makes the difference? I don’t believe it is the personality types of the parties to the relationship. I don’t think it can be shown to be the economic situation of the parties, nor the health or physical attributes of the parties, although all of those things could help or hurt. It is certainly not the presence or lack of children, nor is it the environment in which those couples live. I suppose one could argue it might have something to do with who the individuals are, but there is really only one ingredient that makes a lasting, loving, successful, happy, relationship. That ingredient is a decision or choice. That choice, in order to ultimately succeed in the relationship, is to choose to love. You see, the parties of the arranged marriages don’t see the option of not making it work. It is a forgone conclusion that is will work, so it does. They choose to love one another, because it has been ordained for them to do so. Accepting that choice leads to contentment within the arrangement.

48 I know many of you will think that trite and foolish. Think about it, though. If we go back to Paul’s instruction to husbands, he said in unequivocal terms, “Husbands, love your wives….” This is tantamount to a command. It is not an empty command, which comes without explanation or example. He went on to describe the way a husband should love his wife. “…just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.” Ephesians 5:28 (Emphasis mine). The converse must then be true, he who does not love his wife does not love himself. This is true even of those who are self absorbed and only think of themselves.

So, not only does Paul give an explanation or example as to how a husband should love his (own) wife, he also speaks of a loving Savior who chose to give his life for the church he loved, selflessly, sacrificially, and unconditionally, even though the Church had done nothing to have earned that kind of love and has, to this day, still done nothing to warrant it.

Examples of this kind of unconditional love are not easy to find, especially in the hedonistic, self-centered, society we find dominating the planet, today. How can one love another without expecting something in return? In fact, I think it is safe to say most people think they should be loved because they exist. The government should love them and provide for all their needs, because they are entitled to that love and provision. Their parents should love them, because they are sporting the blood and genes of the parents.

The husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, live-in significant other, should love them,

49 because one has the equipment to consummate the relationship and has agreed to help with the mutual obligations—to some degree.

What that normally means is, “I will use what I have as my contribution to the relationship, if you will use what you have.” If both parties are employed, they will have rights, within the relationship, based on whatever they contribute to the household expenses. The man may have some skills (assumed or real) that give him responsibilities in one area of household management, while the woman may have other skills (again, assumed or real), which become the areas of responsibility she takes on. Because it is primarily a quid-pro-quo relationship, it seldom fails that one or the other soon decides what they are doing or contributing has more value than what the other does. Whether that is true or not, it does not take much imagination to see where that can lead to trouble.

In the open, promiscuous, self-centered, society we live in, it is not uncommon for a relationship to take the following path:

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl find mutual interests dominated by a physical attraction.

After confirming the physical attraction (lust) by exploring it in intimate detail, it becomes routine to invite one another to “…move in with me,” to make it much easier to continue the exploration of those physical interests. It doesn’t hurt that it might even be economically beneficial to share the expenses, making it easier to have a financial degree of comfort they could not expect or experience if they were to remain alone. Since the physical attraction can stay around for some time, it is not uncommon for that to be the

50 field of resolution for many personal differences that might come up. Sometimes, the problem de jour might be an unwanted pregnancy, which is (for most these days) a huge problem. Fortunately (in their minds), in today’s environment that need not be a permanent problem. The woman ends up having to overcome the physical inconvenience, shame, and even self-incrimination that often accompany the available resolution of the problem. The man, on the other hand, only has to suffer the relatively short inconvenience of not being able to satisfy his continued attraction or lusts.

The woman starts to resent the fact she is the only one who has any real consequence and it is not helped by the perception that the man doesn’t seem to understand her frustrations and resentment. Finally, another, more understanding, perhaps more attractive, more cooperative, man and/or woman comes into the picture. Since there were no real obligations to one another (after all they only shared the most intimate, valuable, commodities they possessed—their bodies and their emotions and the destruction of their offspring), it is no more than an uncomfortable formality for them to undo what they had done. No harm done!?

Without going into detail, one can quickly itemize the toll for these couples.

1. They offered one another something that can only be original and

undefiled once. That something is their body.

51 2. They shared emotions that are extreme and intimate. They have given

deeply of themselves, even if they believed they were withholding by

remaining uncommitted.

3. They bonded on an emotional and financial level that would not be

available in a separated life style.

4. They conceived the greatest blessing that has ever been bestowed on

mankind; a child—in all its innocence, dependence, love, and

helplessness.

5. They mutually agreed to terminate the blessing of a “love”

relationship, which mutually makes them aware of just how

unimportant their relationship is.

6. They have wasted a period of time, which is normally years for many,

in a relationship that had nothing lasting to offer and nowhere to go.

There are other consequences, but it would probably take a book of its own, to illuminate them all. Suffice it to say there is, in such a relationship, a deficiency that is so heart rending, it makes one want to cry. That deficiency is the ingredient that leads to a happiness that is unequaled in any of man’s experiences in this mortal existence. It is an ingredient that requires us to exercise an extraordinarily large degree of unselfishness.

That ingredient is “total commitment.” Christ showed us the level of commitment it takes by undertaking the ultimate act of unselfishness. He died for us.

52 When one is given a command or an instruction, it is up to that someone to decide whether they are going to follow it. The so-called advocates of choice recognize the importance of choosing a course of action, even if they don’t understand the consequence of making the wrong one. I cannot over emphasize the importance of “choosing” to make a commitment. Nor can I say too much about how futile it is to try to substitute commitment by trying to buy or command someone’s love.

It goes without saying, giving things to the person with whom one is infatuated, is an extremely important part of the courting process. For a young man to take the object of his affections out to dinner, buy her flowers, or take her to places that are special to her, are a normal part of that courtship. That does not mean you are buying her love. It means, when done within bounds of reason, you are paying her special attention. Gifts or activities that are too expensive or are given with the expectation of getting something in return are, in fact, attempts to buy love. In no case should the offerings of affection be made with the intent to gain any kind of favors, especially sexual favors. Rather, they should be given as a token of love and a sign of our affections.

Courtship is a form of attention and affection intended to lead to something lasting and special. So, too, courtship should continue on after the marriage vows are said. Far too many men and women think once they have accomplished the actions that define a marriage (ceremonially), they no longer have to make the efforts they made that lead up to the marriage. I can and will be very clear about that concept. If it was an effort to court the person you were intending to marry, it will be even more of an effort after you

53 marry. Courtship should be a natural progression of the feelings one has for another.

Nor should courtship cease after the wedding. It has become cliché that men show only their best side (and often that is not even a real side, but conjured up to accomplish the winning of a heart) until they have “tied the knot,” at which time he stops trying to be the man the woman would want.

Frank Sinatra sang, “Love is more wonderful, the second time around.” What he was really saying with that was, “I failed to provide the glue that would make it work the first time, so I will try harder the second time; and guess what? It seems to be working.

That’s why it is more wonderful, now.”

Many consider “sleeping with one another” to be the expected result of courtship. It is for that very reason so many couples are misled and enter into relationships that have nothing more to offer. That great intimacy, which marriage offers, has been given and received without any notion of commitment of permanence. It rapidly becomes clear the gift of one another’s intimacy can be obtained by performing a ritual or acting out a litany of precepts and then quickly forgetting the need for continuing the intimacy beyond the physical. What then is the need for marriage? Or, if one jumps to the conclusion that, because the glandular act was so fulfilling, marriage is the next logical step, that ritual, which might continue into the marital relationship, soon becomes inadequate to sustain the relationship. Even in marriage, the act of courtship should not be performed with the idea it will result in physical intimacy. That would be conditional. Courtship as a form of unconditional love will heighten every experience we have as a couple. I have been

54 married for over forty years and I still court my wife and get far more enjoyment out of our relationship in doing so. It is not just because I experience some degree of success by courting her, but because it is the natural out-flowing of God’s example of love.

If the reason for the relationship is based on a mutual respect (not lust) for one another, that respect is allowed and encouraged to grow until the act of respecting and loving your partner will carry the relationship, even without sexual activities. The consummation of that relationship by offering up the most precious commodity anyone has to offer– becoming one flesh–will just make things that much better. I know it is a rather

Victorian concept to expect to spend an evening with someone you are extremely interested in and not expect it to lead to the kind of physical relationship that common sense dictates should be reserved for that special someone, but that is exactly what I am saying. There are those of you, reading this, who are certainly dumbfounded with the foolish notion that one can have a fulfilling emotional relationship with someone without it leading to sex. Although that desire is most assuredly present, I can assure you such unconditional reverence is not only the most important ingredient to a relationship, it is absolutely essential to being able to love one another unconditionally in marriage. The true price of love and a happy marriage is selflessness.

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CHAPTER 4

CAN WE EXPECT CONTINUAL JOY AND HAPPINESS?

Happiness is Not a Result of Possessions

If we can’t “buy” love, don’t we have to at least make sure we are compatible before making such a huge commitment?

In the last chapter I said, ...if the relationship is based on a mutual respect (not lust) for one another, that respect is allowed and encouraged to grow until the act of respecting and loving your partner will carry the relationship, even without sexual relations. It is not successful sex that builds the foundation for marriage. It is the successful construction of that foundation out of mutual, unconditional, love that makes for successful and compatible sex. Since God built us all with essentially the same equipment within the same gender, it is clear, if one finds unconditional love and acceptance from the other, the physical act will clearly be “compatible.” If one does not spend time experimenting and sampling the fruits of many trees, one can not make the comparison regarding quality and the quality will be defined by the feeling of being with one who loves you unconditionally.

There was a time when I bought into the notion one needed to confirm compatibility in bed before tying the knot. Our early relationship, much to my chagrin and regret, was one as described, above. We were not Christians and it seemed everyone was having

56 [illicit] sex, so we didn’t see anything wrong with the notion of living together “in Sin;” much as most of society sees it, today. I remember, early in my relationship with my wife to be, discussing and agreeing with her how important it would be for us to not only allow, but encourage our future daughters to make sure they were compatible in bed with their boy friends before they did something so foolish as to marry someone without that certainty. It is with irony I look back at how God allowed us to end up with only daughters and how, when the time came, we most certainly did not feel that way about how they entered into marriage. It is true we had, in the mean time, been adopted into the

Body of Christ and acknowledged that it had not been proper to live together outside of marriage, but there was something even more important that happened that changed our positions; especially on that issue.

Over the years between the time we met and the time we had our own children, we had seen the consequences of liberal views on sex, infidelity, lack of commitment and experimental relationships. It became pretty clear the methodologies we had, at least philosophically, embraced did not work. After the newness wore off; after the lust was reduced by familiarity, there needed to be something that was more powerful binding the relationship. That doesn’t mean it was not there any more. It simply meant it was only one of many ingredients that make up the complex marital relationship. Since sex is a natural, hormonal relationship for which most are equipped, it should be expected that act can be compatible with and for any so equipped people. The act of procreation has proven to be one of God’s greatest gifts. He purposely designed it to work in a highly emotionally, and physically satisfactory manner to cement any male/female bond. It is

57 the very fact of its volatile, charged, level of euphoria that makes it such a special gift from one spouse to the other. It is also all those attributes that make it so successful in ensuring the success of procreation. If we didn’t enjoy it, we wouldn’t do it. The natural result of that enjoyment is the reward of a precious new life.

I think pretty much everyone can agree the euphoric experience of consummating the relationship or becoming one flesh generates–for the moment–real joy or happiness. That happiness is short lived, however. One cannot expect to be carried on the ethereal experience of that happiness from one encounter of that glandular act with one’s spouse, to the next encounter. There is so much more to a relationship. I would love to be able to reassure you, once you have made the commitment to love your wife, your happiness will be non-stop for the rest of your lives together. Unfortunately, that reassurance would be misleading.

Everyone has things that annoy them or irritate them. We can often overlook those things in people for a time. When you live with someone, though, it is the accumulation of those little irritating things done over and over again that becomes difficult to deal with.

Whether it is you or your spouse who reaches their limit first, it remains that conflict ensues. In light of the topic of this book, the obvious response here is, “Husbands, love your wives...” but even the most committed will have their moments of weakness.

There will be times when strife is unavoidable. There will, in fact, be times when it is absolutely necessary. If one puts a plug in a sink, even a slowly dripping faucet will

58 cause the sink to overflow, eventually. Choosing to love and appreciating being loved will help overlook annoyances for a time. Eventually, as I said, the sink will overflow. It is at times like those that we have to remember that we have “chosen” to love. We will inevitably reach a point where we have to let off steam, but in so doing must never loose sight of the fact that we have chosen to love. I know I’m being redundant, but it is intentional.

One, if we continue to ignore the things that bother us about our spouse, eventually it will explode. No one can contain that sort of thing indefinitely. Waiting too long can be detrimental, because we come to believe it will never get any better. While there are things festering, in the relationship, it is very difficult to continue on as though all were well.

Two, the regular expression of our frustrations and annoyances, done in love, while still often leading to painful conflicts, can allow the love we have for one another to prevail.

There are times my wife and I don’t particularly like each other. I know that sounds contradictory to the repeated appeal in this book, but it truly is not. At no time do I ever forget I love my wife. If we are having a disagreement or even a serious conflict, it never occurs to me not to love my wife. We may say things we eventually regret or do things we will be ashamed of, but we invariably clear the air and experience the gift God has given us in forgiveness. It is the lows of conflict that make us appreciate and actually enhance the highs we experience in making up.

59 If there were one thing I would look back on, in our relationship, that I can say with conviction I appreciated most, it would be the knowledge that those moments after the conflicts were so wonderful that it makes it difficult for me to remember the conflicts.

There are, of course, those who have a propensity to carry grudges, or have tempers that are always on the edge. The temperament that allows one to quickly respond in anger and/or allow anger to carry over into hours or days is revealing. It was important enough for it to be addressed in scripture. Paul, in Ephesians 4:26, says, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath....” That is sound counsel for several reasons. Anger that is not resolved tends to fester and grow worse. I knew an elderly man who never has a kind thing to say to anyone; including or perhaps especially his wife. He found fault in everyone and saw every action as an attack on him. He was bitter and unhappy. I can’t say if he had some incidents in his life that lodged in his heart and were never resolved or if he has just never been pleased or satisfied with his achievements. It is quite clear, however, that the sun sat on his anger virtually every night. He was in conflict with his sweet widow neighbor over things that were extremely unimportant and did not impact his life at all. All this led to physical problems that only compound his problems. He actually has to use a riding lawnmower to ride the approximately 150 feet to go to his mailbox to check the mail. His anger has not only made his life miserable, but has apparently created an attitude that impacts even his physical condition. Although this sounds like supposition, on my part, there have been enough studies done, which indicate the state of one’s health and longevity are directly related to the way one sees or embraces life.

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There is another very good reason to make sure your anger is resolved and set aside

“before the sun sets.” Though I am only sixty years of age, I have had several personal experiences with individuals who have allowed anger to come between them and a loved one. For instance, a son who would not speak to his father because of some deed or word he was not happy with. Rather than to go to his father and forgive him or ask forgiveness

(whether it was, in his eyes, his fault or not), he harbored ill feelings for his father for a long period of time. When his father died, he was devastated and in emotional agony that he had not been able to tell his father how much he loved him. His anger had separated him from his father and he knew he would have to live the rest of his life knowing he had been deprived of and had deprived his father of the expression of love that should have been there. I know this example is almost cliché, but when one experiences someone close going through that very scenario, it takes away the status of cliché. It is now something profoundly evident and troubling.

Imagine allowing an angry moment to persist beyond the evening. You have just had a heated exchange with your spouse, which left a terrible taste in both of your mouths.

You have said things that were unkind and hurtful. One of you then expires during the night and the opportunity to heal the hurt never presents itself, again. The one remaining, whether the one who said the hurtful and unkind things or the one to whom those things were said, will go through the rest of their life either regretting not having set the record straight or not knowing if the deceased spouse truly meant the unkind things said. There are few things that are quite as painful as knowing the hurt can no longer be healed.

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In that vein, “Husbands, love your wives,” cannot be said often or emphatic enough. It does not make any difference who might be at fault in a given situation. Someone has to take the initiative to heal the hurt. True happiness can only be achieved by doing those selfless things that need to be done to “clear the air.” We can have all manner of wealth, health, and material things, but if we have some incident that continues to be an obstacle in our relationship, we cannot have happiness. Standing on principle and expecting the spouse perceived as the offending party to make the first step in that healing is almost always counter productive. It is true either party can initiate the process of healing by seeking or offering forgiveness. It is also true that the husband has been instructed to make the choice to love his wife. Love, by definition, is forgiving, patient, and never conditional. To make our continued love or devotion to our spouse conditioned on that spouse taking the first step toward healing, after an incident of hurt, is contrary to what is not only an instruction to the husband, but also the only truly workable formula for happiness in a marriage.

Another thing that often comes up in a marriage is the strife between a mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. That, too, has become cliché. The jokes about mother-in-laws abound and it is true there is strife between the mother of the husband and the woman who took him away from her. It would be so easy for the husband to take the side of the mother, but that is in direct contradiction to the instruction, “Husbands, love your wives.”

The husband should take the side of the wife, even if he either doesn’t understand the issue or doesn’t agree with the wife. That is especially true when the husband is talking

62 about the issue with the wife. The wife needs to feel that, regardless of the issue, the husband is absolutely committed to her interests. If she feels like she is being attacked by the mother-in-law and that her husband has aligned himself with his mother, she justifiably feels alone and abandoned. Just as a dog who has been mistreated to an extreme, out of unconditional love for his master, will still fight to the death to defend his master, so too, we husbands need to side with and fight for our wives, regardless of who the apparent opposition is. While I acknowledge the difficulties of siding with the wife– or husband–against your own mother, it becomes even a little more difficult doing it in a way that shows the honor and respect for the mother that God has commanded. That does not lessen the need to stand with your spouse in such situations. Just remember to be loving and respectful and even those difficulties will be overcome.

I feel sorry for those who do not or feel they cannot accept an instruction from a source they are not comfortable with. Whether one believes in God, the God of the Bible, or any divine authority, the instruction to the husband works. I believe the instruction has been given to the husband, because it is the husband–as the head of the family–who is also expected to be the spiritual leader. That, in and of itself, is somewhat of a paradox. Most men–and I think I can say virtually every man I have ever known–have problems with being spiritual. Women, on the other hand, tend to be very spiritual. I believe God expects men to be the spiritual leader, because it means the man has to immerse himself in God’s Word to become instructed and competent in that roll. There is a safeguard in this, since the feeling of spirituality, for those who are “spiritual” about virtually everything, can easily be swayed by things perceived as spiritual.

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My wife and I recently attended a funeral in which some very meaningful and devout

Christian principals were voiced and endorsed. At the end of the ceremony, an obviously emotional and sincere woman addressed the family and explained how an acquaintance of hers had called her and assured her the deceased woman had visited him during the night and explained she was in a better place and didn’t want anyone to be unhappy about her absence. It was intended to comfort the family, and especially the husband of the deceased, and the lady obviously meant well. It was equally obvious this woman was impressed by things considered “spiritual” without being grounded in the basics of God’s

Word, which warns against these kinds of things. Being spiritual can help one accept the teachings of the spirit. It can also be the source of much spiritual deceit and counterfeit religion.

It seems, in my life, it has been overwhelmingly women who follow some of the more

“sensitive” spiritual movements. There is, however, a very real spirit that divines right from wrong and good from evil. It is the only spirit that can claim credibility and omniscience. If you are not willing to accept the infallibility of that spirit, the Holy Spirit or Comforter, there is little likelihood you will be able to overcome your nature to put yourself first. If you put yourself first, you will never be able to put your wife/spouse above your own selfish desires. While there are people who will live an entire adult life with a spouse, in spite of that inability, it is invariably a miserable existence of bickering, back biting, and general unhappiness and compromise. That is not much to look forward to. The incredible happiness that can be obtained through unselfish, unconditional, love

64 can be had by everyone, as can eternal life. It does, however, require a daily commitment to put your spouse first, just as salvation will demand of you that you die to self daily to experience the true joy of a relationship with Christ.

65 CHAPTER 5

THE DEATH OF CHIVALRY

Saying “I Love You” Is Not a Sign of Weakness

It was not all that long ago a man could show a woman respect and honor by doing chivalrous acts. A woman was not offended by being offered a helping hand when climbing into or out of a car. The act of opening a door was seen as a sign of courtesy, rather than an insult to one’s ability to do it themselves.

There is an attempt to equalize male and female, in every aspect, in today’s society. The manner of dress, the work environment, household responsibilities, and all aspects of life, are expected to be equal. Being different is no longer acceptable, because being different somehow implies inequality.

Although there may remain a question as to whether women should be in the work place, rather than in the home tending to the most important roll ever undertaken, there is no question men and women should receive equal pay and treatment for equal work when the women do go to work. The way things have evolved in our society make it very difficult, if not impossible, for some families to exist on one income. Whoever thought up the idea that a woman should be paid less for doing the same work, however, should experience some appropriate consequence. The very real need for some wives to go to work, to help pay the bills and necessities, exists whether we like it or not. That need, however, does not imply that men and women are equal in the sense that they are

66 identical to one another. There seems to be a real, but flawed, perception that to be different implies inequality.

If the spiritual source we derive the concept of unconditional love is to be taken literally, then the actions that are inspired by that concept need to be taken as a positive result of that concept. My wife and I can work side-by-side in almost any circumstance without conflict or contention. If there is something that needs doing that requires more brut force, she defers to me as the physically stronger. If there is something that requires more aesthetic expertise or “taste,” I defer to my wife as the more tasteful. There is no question in either of our minds, however, that we are equal.

My wife stayed home, while our children were still young, and fulfilled the most important role in the human species. That is the roll of nurturing and instilling the values, morals, and meaning of life into the minds that God has entrusted us with. I don’t believe there has ever been a time she felt like she was unequal to me in terms of value, responsibility, or self worth. While I feel my role to provide for her and the kids was of extreme importance, there is nothing in that feeling that would justify thinking I am the more important of the spouses.

In the truest and most accurate sense of the word, that “provision” I accept as my responsibility is of God, anyway. To be sure, I invested a lot of time and energy into fulfilling that role, but had I failed in some way in that role, her role as mother, nurturer, instiller of values, would have continued on and God, in some way, would continue to

67 provide for the necessities of that life. If my wife ever needed to have any endorsement or recognition with regard to how important her role was/is, she need only look at her adult children and see how they are a reflection of the values and character she instilled in them.

Our daughters are 28 and 31, at the time of this writing. They both take their roles as wives and mothers extremely seriously. Their husbands, as was and am I, in many ways fall short of what they should be as husbands and fathers. That, however, is not an indictment; rather it is simply a statement of fact. We men have to put a lot of effort into being the husbands and fathers God wants us to be. It does not come naturally. There are many stories in the Bible that describe godly men as being unfaithful to their wives.

Even King David gave into temptations and did things that were not particularly edifying to God or this intended role in history. We can truly thank God that He gave us the example of unconditional love through his son Jesus Christ. Without that example, we could and would continue on in our selfish desires, because we would only care about what we could get from our relationship.

When I look at the success of my wife’s influence on my daughters, my heart is indeed warmed (I will discuss the husband’s role as a father, later in this book). Among the characteristics she has instilled in them are as follows:

1. “Trust in God with all your heart and soul and mind.” My daughters, while expressive in their gratitude for our love and provision for them while growing up, are clear in their relationships with their husbands, their children, and their circle of friends,

68 that God comes first. It is easy to see where they might despair with some of the burdens this world puts on them. My oldest daughter has suffered emotionally from an inability to become pregnant. The role she cherished most, as she became an adult, was to be a loving, nurturing, mother, just as her own mother was. She, because of physical conditions she and her husband had to deal with, was unable to conceive. There were other issues that further confounded the situation. Suffice it to say she was extremely distraught knowing she would not be able to have a child of her own.

After going through surgery to remove endometriosis scar tissue from inside her abdomen and internal organs, she was told the only way she could ever hope to become pregnant was through fertility treatment and en vitro fertilization. My wife, upon hearing that when my daughter was discharged, said to her, “While you are still benefiting from reduced scar tissue, let us all pray, fervently, that you can get pregnant within the next few months and show the doctors how wrong they can be.”

Sure enough, within the next month she became pregnant. She now enjoys the fulfillment of motherhood. Though she would love to have another child, she is exceedingly happy with the miracle baby God has given her. One can easily see, in the way her daughter is growing, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, that God is being honored in her upbringing.

My younger daughter is endowed with a very strong will and an extremely playful character. She has a very “puppy-like” nature and often gets herself into situations that

69 are over her head. She is also very strong and perseverant. She not only endures, but she reaches out and embraces more–of anything–instead of giving up in tough situations and feeling sorry for herself.

She is in a relationship that is the result of that exuberance and youthful haste. She hastily married her husband during a visit with him at his military station. In effect, she cancelled her planned wedding in favor of expedience and childish impatience. Also, in contrast to her sister, she got pregnant very quickly and gave birth to a boy. Her husband was in the military when they married and, after a brief attempt to find employment he could feel good about, went back into the military as an officer. Since neither of them is particularly good at handling money, they are always right on the edge, with regard to meeting their financial obligations.

When her husband went back into the military, he was required to go through a two month preparation at a base about four hours driving time from where they lived. He was then required to do a half-year of training to become an officer. So, for a period of about eight months, my daughter was on her own with her child. They were fortunate enough to be stationed in a base that was only a couple hours from her sister, which has helped her in her adjustment to military life. I know she feels very lonely and has experienced, first hand, how difficult life can be, even when one is doing what one believes is what

God would want of them. Through it all, she has relied on the love and strength of God to carry her. Her trust in God suffices for the lack of what might be a less than stellar reason for trust in her husband, who–as I believe of my self–believes himself to be very

70 Godly. Pride is a terribly difficult issue to come to grips with. I know I deal with that issue, daily, and I believe it interferes with one’s walk with God. There are so many ways and times, in which we think we are looking for God’s leading in a given situation, only to do what we think is right without that leading. The problem often lies in the art of listening. When we ask God for direction, do we actually take the quiet time to listen?

Do we spend time in God’s word to see how He would answer it in scripture? God speaks to us in many ways and it is sometimes difficult for us to differentiate between

God speaking to us and our subconscious desires and wants to believe God is speaking.

It is also very difficult to make sure we, as loving parents, don’t interfere either with their right to experience difficulties and hardship or with their ways of dealing with issues.

Of course there are other issues of great difficulty for my daughters and their husbands, but it is God who always prevails in their relationship. Can I give all the credit to my wife’s ability to raise her daughters? Obviously not, but suffice it to say I see the results of the dedication my wife has had in the rearing of her (our) children and the desire on the part of my daughters to follow in her footsteps.

2. “Respect your elders.” We can see, in the lives of our daughters, the warm reception they get from all the friends they make and the relationships in the churches, daycare centers, neighbors, etc., that the respect they have for others, especially their elders, is well received and returns as a blessing. One of the most difficult things for the generation “Xers” to do is to give respect, especially when it is perceived as not deserved.

(It is actually even more difficult for the subsequent generation).

71 3. “Honor your Father and Mother.” When I see the overt efforts, on the part of my daughters, to inquire as to how they should do things, for advice in the rearing of their children, and their desire to emulate us, we see the Devine nature of God working through them.

4. “A solid work ethic.” Both of our children exhibit a strong work ethic. Neither of them avoid or shirk responsibilities or the necessary labors needed to provide the best possible home environment for their children. Their husbands have been, up to a point— thank God’s role in their lives—very supportive of those efforts.

5. “Be honest in all things, above all to God.” This is one many people have trouble with. We are prone to deceiving ourselves, which translates into occasional dishonesty to

God. It is so easy to try to do or say what might be best received by others and, in so doing, avoid the truth. It is often said, “...it is just a little white lie. I would rather save someone’s feelings by telling a little white lie than to tell the absolute truth and hurt someone.” This is just one example, but it is indicative of our belief that God is not completely in control. Sometimes, it can be reasoned, we need to avoid being completely honest in order to help God out.

6. “Help others in need.” We see a continuous attitude, in our daughters, of service to others. This attitude is enhanced by an attitude of humility. They are always willing to help others, and attempt to do so without being pushy or lording over them.

7. “Do not compromise your ethic for anyone or anything.” This is similar to #5, but is includes actions. Sometimes it is difficult to do what is right, because doing what is expected of you is going to give you an “easier” path or make you more acceptable. This is true whether in the field of fashion or the area of entertainment. I have (perhaps out of

72 an unfortunate lack of humility) proudly watched each of my daughters do the right things, even in the face of rejection by others, because they knew that was what God would want.

8. “Take responsibility for your successes and mistakes.” This is another area that is difficult for all of us. It is pretty easy for us to take not only the responsibility, but the credit for success. It is more difficult to take the responsibility for mistakes. In our society it has gotten so bad that most people will point to others, i.e. Government, educators, parents, circumstances, etc, rather than to just suck it up and take the blame and do something about it. When someone is suffering financial difficulties, they are inclined to blame the economy, bad luck, the rich, or anything else that is outside themselves. Just as my wife and I have had difficult financial times, in the past, so too our daughters have experienced similar difficulties. I do not hear them blaming us, or

God, or the government, or anything or anyone other than their own actions or inactions.

That does not mean they don’t do it in private with one another. I’m sure, in some areas, they experience the “entitlement” attitude, but they have been instructed during their youth that such an attitude is harmful and they eventually realize it themselves.

9. “Raise your children in the ways of the Lord.” It is the legacy of God in the lives of our children that warms our hearts more than anything else. It is evident in pretty much everything they do or contemplate doing. The fact they have chosen men who submit to our Lord and Savior, is further indication they were well grounded in the importance of that admonition.

10. “Pray for God’s wisdom above all else.” Even when our daughters come to us for advice, it is clear they are looking for wisdom they believe God might have provided us.

73 It is clear there is more than one kind of wisdom. There is wisdom that is of man and wisdom that comes from God. It is the first kind that causes man to do “that, which is right in his own eyes.” It is the second that causes one to do those things that seem contrary to accepted social norms. Since we are not always around, when our daughters are praying, we can only judge by their fruits and willingness to listen to Godly counsel, that they are, in fact, praying for a wisdom that is supernatural.

In all these things, I believe they have a good foundation. They are, to be sure, not perfect in any or all of them, but they have enough to provide for the happiness that is or should be everyone’s to have.

There are, of course, many other character traits we were intent on providing for our children as a foundation for a happy, successful, life. The above is only a sampling. As most people know, the best way to teach the kind of human condition we would like our children to have is to display those traits and characteristics, ourselves. If my wife accepts my acts of chivalry my children will learn it is okay, both to display chivalry as well as to accept it. If I show unconditional love for my wife, including frequent and sincere “I Love You-s,” my children will learn is it okay and acceptable both to say I love

You, as well as to accept that commitment and devotion from your spouse.

I can’t remember how many times I have seen people either cautiously whisper that term of endearment to their spouse, whether on the phone or in public, to avoid the perceived embarrassment they would have to endure if someone were to hear them utter such a

74 humiliating phrase. It has certainly been thousands of times. Some of my closest friends have difficulty with it. In the movies it has become cliché (“I lo...lo...lo....”). It is implied it is far too difficult and humbling to make such an admission.

Contrast that to the Song of Solomon. Solomon virtually gushes his love for his woman, whom he calls his beloved. He can’t say enough about how he feels about her and how she appeals to him. Can you imagine what those kinds of words do to a woman if they are meant in earnest? There never lived a wiser man than Solomon (with the exception of

Jesus, of course). He had the greatest empire in the world and was wealthy beyond the imagination. Yet he found not only the time, but also the ability and desire to bare his heart to the one he loved.

“It is absurd,” you say to yourself, “to think my wife would allow me to open doors for her, or to treat her like a lady, or to say such sappy things to her.”

I think you would be surprised if you were to try (consistently and without any drama, condescension, or humor). While there are still times my wife would prefer I not take the additional time to walk to her side of the car to open the door, she knows I am always willing without expecting anything in return. Opening doors to buildings is different.

She generally always allows me to open those doors for her. You’ll notice I used the work “allows.” You see, it brings me great joy to do even the smallest gesture of respect and gratitude for her. She knows I am not doing it to show her I am greater than she.

She is obviously equally capable of opening her own doors. That issue never comes up,

75 because it is never perceived as the suggestion that she perhaps can’t open the door for herself. Her self-esteem allows her to accept the service I offer her without feeling challenged.

I never let a day go by without making sure she hears an honest and convicted statement of how much I love her. I don’t have to force it. I don’t have to say it in spite of other feelings. My love for her is, next to my love and gratitude to God for my existence and my salvation, the greatest, most satisfying choice/commitment I have ever experienced. I don’t have to honor the commitment by overcoming my distaste, anger, frustrations, or anything else a couple might experience over a long lasting relationship. It is because of my belief in the purpose of the commitment and my experience with the exceeding fulfillment and joy it brings me that I can look forward to serving her and continuing on in my commitment to love her without regret or expectations of any kind. My affirmations of love are not just verbal. I tell her I love her with my eyes. I allow the mutual love we have to reflect in my demeanor, whenever possible, and the way I look at her. It is from my heart, with the knowledge there will still be days that are difficult, but equally sure the highs we enjoy far outweigh the difficulties.

Nor have I been blessed with any special ability or understanding in this area. As I indicated earlier, we have moments of stress and distress in our relationship. It is particularly during those times I still sometimes find myself wondering if my belief in the instruction in Ephesians is fallible. It is when I persist and overcome my pride, which is the source of both, my anger and my doubts that it all falls into place, again.

76

It is so easy for us, as men, to feel like we are, as someone near to me has put it, doormats

to be walked on. If we believe we are right in what we are doing or saying, and further

believe it is our spouse who disagrees with what we know to be true and correct, why

would we demean ourselves by asking for forgiveness? The answer to that is, we are

never without blame. We need to understand, it is so unimportant to be right. It is not

only our pride, but our lack of confidence or self esteem that creates the need for us to be

recognized, as being right. After all—we think—if we give in even when we know we are right, we will lose all self-respect and the respect of others. We just need to have the confidence of knowing it is more important to be the healer in the relationship than the professor or king. When our wives see we are willing to humble ourselves and defer to her needs, they will also see that our love is truly unconditional and sincere.

77

CHAPTER 6

CAN WE TALK?

The Art And Importance Of Communication

There have already been volumes of books written on the importance of communication in any relationship. Books like; “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” by

John Gray; “Communication Differences Between Men And Women,” by Sandra P.

Aldrich; and, “Different but Equal; Communication Between the Sexes,” by Kay E.

Payne; etc. There are many more and all of them have one basic goal in mind; that is the improvement in communications between men and women.

There was probably never a truer statement than if I live to be a hundred, I will never understand a woman. I suspect they can say the same thing about men. The important thing to remember is, we were not instructed to understand women, just to love them.

After 40 plus years of marriage and an increase in knowledge about what my wife would like from me, I am still no closer to understanding her than I was when we met. When we seem to be saying the same thing, albeit in different ways, I can’t say that I understand why her view on what we are essentially agreeing on needs to be an issue.

It’s obvious, however, that she would certainly be able to ask the same question of me.

Though socially accepted norms would presume men and women to have no significant difference, it has to be absolutely clear to any rational person that men and women think

78 differently. We don’t even have to debate that issue, since it has been so well established in literature and academia (aside from that politically correct stance already mentioned).

That lack of understanding doesn’t change the fact that communication is of utmost importance. Even if the ability of spouses to understand one another is not always 100%, it stands to reason the level of understanding drops even further with less communication.

To show how important it is to a woman, my wife has said in times past, when I was not in a talkative mood, “If you’re not going to talk to me, why do I even need to be with you.” I know that sounds pretty extreme, but if you look at if from her side, it makes sense. She had spent her day getting the kids up, feeding them, getting them ready for the day’s schooling activities, and (because we did home schooling) teaching them their lessons for the day. In addition to all that, she had to drive the kids to their extra curricular activities, do the shopping, prepare the meals and keep the house clean.

I went to work, as a real estate agent, and spent the better part of the day talking to people on the phone, previewing properties and, if all went well, showing properties. All my activities involved having to “sell” concepts, contracts, and myself to people I came into contact with. If I wrote an offer, I had to explain the contract to the client, in great detail, and then present the offer to the agent that had the listing or the seller or both.

I know it is often said a woman uses upwards of 30,000 words a day, but a man only has need to use around 15,000. In a typical day, I would use my 15,000 words before noon, which meant I was using a daily quota of words, far in excess of what would be my daily

79 norm with people I knew only superficially and who were far less important to me than my wife and kids. When I got home, I was literally out of words. My wife, on the other hand, had generally not even used half her quota. She needed to be able to tell me about all the things that had transpired that day. If she didn’t have me to tell those things to

(which meant I had to be genuinely interested in what she had to say), she literally did not need me. She could just as well tell someone else, who would perhaps be even more interested or at least listen better. That wouldn’t perhaps fulfill other types of needs for my wife, but when communication is important, all else takes a back seat.

Although I had already used my quota, which simply means it was more difficult to muster the interest to carry on a conversation, I still had the obligation and the desire to do what would be best for my wife. That did not make it easy, nor was I always (or perhaps I should even say “often”) successful. It was during those times when I was less successful in communicating than I should have been, that my wife would be lonelier.

She would feel like I was the one that got to get out and socialize during the day, while she stayed at home and had to do all the work. It was real easy for me to feel like I was the one sacrificing, since I had little desire to do all that socializing during the day and I was just doing it so I could provide for my wife and children. Why couldn’t she understand that, was the obvious and selfish?

It is for that very reason that communication is so important. Without discussing these issues, how was I to know what was going on in her mind? How was she to know what she really wanted to do is what I was compelled to do, but didn’t necessarily want to do.

80 It was during those times of inadequate communication that I would have to spend more time in prayer asking God to give me not only the desire, but also the ability to communicate with her. God knows there was plenty to talk about. If I didn’t tell her about my day, how would she know if there were things that were concerning or bothering me? If she didn’t have the opportunity to tell me about her day, how could I possibly know what areas I could help her in or pray for? To expose another point of my inadequacies, there were times I didn’t even know what to pray for. I found myself thinking how unreasonable she was. I didn’t do anything wrong; why was she so upset with me? I didn’t realize she was just frustrated and upset because I wasn’t talking to her enough.

It is not only important, but achievable for a couple to find areas of mutual interests to discuss. Aside from the areas I just mentioned, those things that transpired during the day, including problems one might be able to help the other with, more examples of areas that should be fertile fields for discussion and communication would be the area of interests that originally brought you together. That works great, if one can remember and identify those things for which one shares or once shared interests with their spouse. The male and female differences in the way they process the world around them make even similar interests challenging at times. My wife and I, for instance, are both interested in travel. It is something we do with enthusiasm. Yet there are differences in the ways and places we like to travel. While we are traveling by car, I tend to like to take side trips to check out things that I find provocative or exciting. My wife, on the other hand, likes to get from one place to another with as little delay as possible. Making pit stops is

81 tolerable, but not desirable. Making side trips to see things that don’t interest her, at all, are pretty much not on the agenda. That doesn’t mean we don’t stop and see anything that wasn’t originally part of the plan; it simply means she would compromise at times to look at things she wasn’t really interested in and I would forgo pit stops that were not really necessary. The end result was that we would both enjoy the travel and the destinations. We didn’t and don’t allow the smaller issues of peripheral interests get in the way of enjoying the experience.

As we were traveling across Kansas, one day not too long ago Evelyn and I encountered the small town of Greensburg, Kansas, (the year before the town was destroyed by a tornado) and a large sign pointing to the deepest hand dug well in the world. My particular nature was fascinated at the thought of such a large well being dug by hand. I was curious. I wanted to see it. Evelyn was happy to accommodate that, but was not interested enough to actually spend the admission fee and walk down the stairs to the bottom of the well. I never felt like she was being patronizing or was uncomfortable with having to tolerate my interests. She just didn’t share that particular interest.

I have a passion for mechanical and scientific things. Evelyn has a passion for doing and learning and researching things. She loves to do things for the daughters and grand children, like shopping for things they need. She is not the typical shopper. She cannot spend hours in stores just looking at things. When she goes shopping it is to buy something important to her. Usually, it is something for either of her daughters or her grandchildren. Neither of us can get into the particular interest of the other. That doesn’t

82 stop me from taking the time to go shopping with her and supporting her need to fulfill her interest. Nor does she hesitate to support my interest in tool or builder’s expos and other areas I am interested in.

It is true we two can’t truly communicate about those things at a more than a superficial level. It doesn’t, however, negatively affect those areas in which we do share interests.

Certainly we share an interest in our grandchildren, now 6, 4, 2 and newborn. We share an interest in travel, as I mentioned earlier. We can not only discuss those travels we did together in the past, we can also discuss those destinations to which we would still like to travel. Even if we might not be able to actually go to many of the places we discuss, we still share an excitement about even considering and discussing the possibilities.

Most important, to our relationship, is the interest we share in each other. That is a topic we can and have shared and appreciated together for long periods of time. The appreciation is in the form of communication and involves our thoughts, opinions, health, current political concerns, friends and our goals. It is true it is not always easy to communicate in the way your wife might expect or desire. I have discovered, though, there is something so vital to our ability to communicate, it needs to be made very clear.

We might, and certainly should, share an interest in each other, but it is never as obvious as it is when you give your wife your complete and undivided attention. That is more important than it might at first sound. The almost cliché example of a man at the breakfast table reading the newspaper while his wife talks to him is a great example of what one should not do. You can’t read a newspaper, watch TV, do a crossword puzzle,

83 etc, and give your wife the attention she needs. If all you can muster is a, “Yes, dear,”

when she is talking to you, you are looking for problems.

There should be no distractions. If you are doing something, stop doing it and look her in

the eyes. If you are watching the news or a football game on TV, mute the TV or turn it

off until you have finished talking. Do not be anxious to get back to what you were

doing, she will sense that and you will have failed. False attempt to give her your

undivided attention will not only fail, they will only make her angry and frustrated. If

you are thinking about something that happened at work or needs to be done at work,

stop giving yourself over to those kinds of distractions and look her in the eyes. You will

be surprised at what a difference it makes. Your wife will feel like you actually care

about what she is saying. That translates into caring about her. You will suddenly have a better understanding about what is making her tick; what is important to her; what she expects of your relationship with her. This “little” thing is overwhelming when you can actually do it sincerely. Do not make the mistake of sweeping this concept under the carpet. You will see. If you give her your undivided attention, she will feel like she does not have to compete with anything. She will see that it is “she” you are fully focused on.

That makes her the most important thing in your life, at that moment. With practice, she will come to believe she is the most important thing in your life most of the time. That does wonders for her self-esteem. I can’t begin to emphasize enough what levels of satisfaction you will both have and what will result in your wife having a high self- esteem that stems from the undivided attention you are giving her.

84 Since it has been stressed, in this book, that God has instructed us to be the “chooser,” it must also be stressed that God is expecting us to do something we are poorly equipped to do. Just as we are not the spiritual one, but God expects us to be the spiritual leader, so too God, I believe, expects us to be communicators. As such, there are some enormous responsibilities that go along with it.

Let me express it this way:

1. Thou shalt not coerce or manipulate

Men tend, whether by indoctrination or by simple pride, or perhaps even genetics to believe they are smarter and know what is better when it comes to just about everything.

In that belief, they will try to put pressure on or convince their spouses to go along with or do those things they think, in their superior knowledge, are best. Most often, it is merely a reflection of man’s self centered and narcissistic nature.

2. Thou shalt not raise your voice in intimidation

Because men are generally stronger (physically), it comes naturally to them to intimidate and coerce cooperation. If lack of compliance results in some consequence, whether it is yelling, cussing, or bodily gestures, then they feel there will be more compliance. It is the same as saying, “My way or the Highway.” That certainly does not sound like unconditional love.

One might say a certain amount of critique is a good thing. There is, though, a fine line between critiquing and being critical. If you are inclined to say, “You always do this.” or

85 “You are just like so-and-so.” or “Every time you try this or that, you mess up.” or, “Why don’t you just give up?” or, “You are so stupid (or clumsy, or disorganized, etc).” That is not what I would consider loving comments. Even if that someone, whether the husband or the wife, does occasionally fit the accusation, by applying it to “always,” it becomes a slanderous attack on that person’s credentials or credibility. If the one who is the object of that kind of criticism is not self-confident enough, it could create some real barriers to a loving relationship.

The same is true of making comparisons. To say something like, “Why can’t you be like so-and-so? He is so–loving–sweet–kind–understanding–capable–good at what he does.”

You get the idea. If you can’t decide to be happy with your partner the way he or she is, how can you ever expect to remain in a loving relationship? In fact, I believe it is incumbent on us to try to help our spouse in those areas where they are either weak or lacking. Husband and wife should become one flesh and, in the truest sense of that phrase, the two shall not only become one, but that “one” shall be greater than the sum of the two parts.

3. Thou shalt not offend or insult, or belittle.

Another tactic men tend to take (though this is certainly not just limited to men) is cutting their spouse down. “You’re just too stupid to understand!” “You couldn’t do that if your life depended on it!” “Do you have to do everything wrong?” Or, simply, “Your stupid,” especially bad when it is said in front of others.

86 There is never a right time to belittle or speak down to your wife. I have even often noticed husbands who, in the attempt or desire to do something nice for their spouse (and

I have seen the wife do this, too), will do something nice, but in a way he feels is less threatening to his pride, say something in a way that is rude and condescending. For example, the husband who wants to do his wife a favor by cleaning up the kitchen says to the wife, “Get your butt out of the kitchen ‘so I can clean it.’ Go on...get out!” The thought is nice, but the way it is presented is not. Doing something nice for the one you love should be done in a pleasant, endearing way. It is not demeaning for a husband to be nice to his wife.

I have also noticed how some wives have a way to overcome what appears to be a low feeling of self worth or esteem. Women will often talk to each other about their husbands in a diminutive way, which is often covered up by calling it “cute.” They appear to be covering their disdain or animosity regarding their dissatisfaction in ways that will not be completely negative if someone else overhears what is being said.

As an example of this, I was filling my car at a gas station, one day, when–while standing next to the car–two women in separate RVs were standing near the pumps chatting as their husbands filled up the motor homes. They had just met and were feeling a connection because of their means of travel. One of them said, “Oh, we have enjoyed our tour through the states, but we have had constant problems with the RV.”

87 The other woman said, “I know what you mean. My husband is a complete idiot when it comes to taking care of things like that.” I could see the look of disdain in her face.

Then she smiled and said (I think she knew I had heard her comments), “But he is so cute!” Both ladies laughed like they had said something naughty.

I have to confess, because I am not always with my wife 100% of the time, I don’t know if she says things like that to other women. My belief, however, is that she doesn’t. The reason I don’t think she does is because she knows I would never say anything to someone else about her that is negative. If we men had to sit down and compose a list of positive and negative characteristics about our wives, I suspect we would all have something on the negative side. If we choose to talk about those things with our friends, family, or acquaintances, perhaps it would sound similar to those two ladies at the gas station. My question would have to be, “Why?”

The positive side of the list would, or at least should, be as long, or longer, than the negative. Wouldn’t it make sense to spend our time referring to the ways in which we feel she is positive? I don’t think God would approve of either partner dwelling on or exposing the negatives, but this book is addressed to the men who are interested in getting the most out of their marriage. We cannot get the most or best out of a relationship if we spend time dwelling on the negatives, whether it is to one’s self or to others.

4. Thou shalt express terms of endearment and expressions of love

88 The example I gave earlier about how many of the older, and even some of the newer, films show how difficult it is for men to say “I love you,” is an example of the mind control the world uses to make men uncomfortable with terms of endearment. Today it is the “Nineties kind of guy” or the touchy feely new age types that are taking on the notion that men should be emotionally expressive. Yet God’s Word is full of examples of how we should express our love, both by our actions and by our words. If you haven’t already experienced it, you will marvel over the reaction you will experience when you tell your spouse how much you love her; how nice she looks; how sweet she is; what a good cook she is; and on and on. Caution, she can tell when you don’t mean if from your heart. If you chose to love, then it must be genuine. It tells her she stands out in your mind, your eyes, and your heart.

To take this to the next, and what should be obvious, step; men, you need to take the time, at least once a day, to be physically and verbally affectionate to your wife. That means you need to hold her close and tell her how much you love her. Not just, “I love you,” but something like, “I love you more than anything else in the world,” or “I love you more now than I ever have,” or “I love you more than life, itself.” I think you get the idea. The old standard–generally after the wife has said, “Why don’t you ever tell me you love me?”–or, “You already know I do.” is so vacuous as to be an insult to her intelligence. There is nothing that instills security, in a woman, like knowing it is important enough to the man for her to know how he feels about her, that he tells her how much he loves her. When accompanied by an affectionate embrace, it makes the ills of the world go away. This works at all ages. Just because you have been with your wife

89 for forty or fifty years does not mean you no longer have to do that. Additionally, the embrace, though romantic and affectionate, should not be done with the idea it will lead to sex. While it may become a catalyst for that, it should never be the reason for the embrace. If she ever gets the idea you are only doing it with the intent to expect more, it will cause more harm than good. It could take days just to overcome that mistake. It is also true our body language, if your love for your wife is sincere, cannot help but reveal that love. It will, however, never replace that hug and loving declaration.

When we men start to get to an age where the idea of sex is still a strong motivator, but our bodies may no longer respond the way we would like, it is often too easy to just avoid the situations that used to lead up to sexual activity. Unfortunately, I have seen that lead to apathy and bitterness directed at the spouse. Even if the ultimate conclusion of affection is just a reassuring embrace and some endearing terms being whispered to each other, the result is profound. It will boost your own ego, as well as your wife’s. First, just knowing she lets you into that circle of privacy and security that surrounds each human being is rewarding in and of itself. Second, seeing and feeling her response to your affections is reassuring. It tells you she is still the “woman of your youth.” Third, there is a communication that happens that can only be conveyed by that kind of physical embrace. We never grow too old for that, nor does it ever need to turn into a sexual encounter. This is an expression of love, not lust.

5. Thou shalt provide support and defense when there is a personal attack.

90 I am always appalled when I am in a group of people and someone in the group– ostensibly jokingly–says something harsh or crude to or about someone’s wife. It is not necessarily the fact that someone does that, which is appalling, rather it is the fact the husband will often either try to ignore what was said or, worse still, join in on the attack.

It is so easy and cowardly for a man to take the opportunity, where they think they will enjoy the greatest protection from reproach, to “get even with her for something he might not even be able to remember. Just as God is our savior, our defender, our counselor, our hope, so too, we need to be the defender of our wives. If there is an issue that needs to be resolved, it needs to be resolved in private and not compounded by public abuse or injury.

The roll of loving the husband is far more than just being nice to or making love to the wife. How can love be unconditional or sincere if there is no motivation on the part of the husband to protect, defend, support, lead by example, and essentially provide the spiritual covering that goes with being the head or leader of the family. If I were to stand by and watch my friends do or say things that are harmful to my wife, her family, her friends, or even the person to whom they are saying those things to, I would not be much of a husband. While it is true that if the situation were reversed, one would expect a wife would not be much of a wife if she did not come to the defense of her husband, this, too, is trumped by that commandment or statement “husbands love your wives?” I can only say, “Suck it up, men.” God’s expectation that we love our wives, unconditionally, does not presume it will be easy. Along with the roll of being provider, protector, and lover, goes the roll of being the sensitive comforter. I insist the statement includes being that

91 guiding influence that will pull your spouse out of any sort of “funk” that would be pulling her down. It could be anything from anger to jealousy to depression, to any kind of self-defeating attitude or emotion. It is, of course, true we need to be sensitive and loving in how we provide the lift needed. A push or pull, as needed, can cause far more damage than it cures, if it is applied in the wrong way. What is the right way? The answer to that is it needs to always be sensitive, caring; a love that has not boundaries or conditions. That is, perhaps, one of the tallest orders of all.

6. Thou shalt console in times of distress

As we all know, women tend to be much more easily brought to tears. They, by nature, are more empathetic and sensitive. They hurt about things we men often can’t understand. In all such cases, the appropriate response is not, “Aw, get over it!” or “Stop that crying.” Whether we understand their distress or not, it is their spouse they should be able to turn to at such times. Unfortunately, it is usually another woman friend they have to confide in or look to for comfort. Unconditional love extends a consoling, comforting shoulder. Unconditional love experiences the hurt (understood or not) along with the spouse. What you say or communicate to your spouse can mean the difference between extending or increasing her hurt and the distress the relationship, reducing any joy one should expect in the relationship.

I have known women who were extremely distressed with the thought of losing a husband who has been diagnosed with some kind of cancer. Perhaps the cancer can be treated and either cured or put into remission, perhaps not. Often it is not clear if the

92 treatments are going to be effective until later in the procedure. If the man either becomes reclusive because of his own fear of death, or becomes indifferent because he is not afraid of death, the result is the same. It tends to cause them to be less understanding of the depression, concerns, and fear of loss, the wife is feeling. They either say–to themselves or aloud–of course, “I don’t know why you have to be that way, it is I who is probably dying from this,” or “I don’t understand why you are so distressed about it, we know I am going to be with the Lord.” In both instances, the man is only thinking of himself. There is no consideration for either the expectation, on the part of the wife, that she will either be left alone and un-provided for; her best friend will be leaving, for good; or she might find herself unequipped to minister to her husband’s needs during the process. I don’t care if you are in your death bed and only have hours to live, never discount the distress, loss, and feelings the wife is having. There is nothing more cowardly than forgetting about the one who has loved you, unabashedly–and sometimes undeservedly–just because you are feeling sorry for yourself or confident of your afterlife. Remember, Jesus was not thinking of himself when, on the cross, He said,

“Father forgive them, they know not what they do.” Even moments before he expired, his thoughts were for the ones he loved. Can we do any less for our wives?

7. Thou shalt provide direction in times of need

There are always times when it is difficult to make a decision, in a relationship. It is so easy to say, “You make the decision.” If that is the attitude taken by both parties there are consequences one can expect. First, it is difficult, if not impossible, to move forward.

If neither party can make a decision, how can you agree to do anything? Second, if no

93 decision is made, thereby deciding on the default, if it goes bad, both parties will blame the other. It is better to make a decision, even if it is the wrong one, because one can learn from the mistakes.

As part of showing unconditional love, it is prudent and wise to take the responsibility and make those tough decisions. There will be times when the wife will make a decision and it might not be the one you would have made. Making responsible decisions sometimes requires you to decide to accept her decision. If that backfires or goes wrong, you can still stand behind her by loving her, anyway. It is less important to be the decision maker than it is to be the healer. Unconditional love sometimes means letting her be in charge and loving her even when it goes awry.

8. Thou shalt do all these things in love and without expecting anything in return.

It has been said the male is the stronger of the two sexes. That, by in large, is true

“physically.” More often, though females tend to be the more sensitive gender, emotionally and spiritually, the female is the stronger. That means, for men to adhere to the eight rules of verbal engagement I listed above (and there are more that I didn’t list), it requires we overcome our less desirable natures and characteristics. We cannot allow pride to get in the way. We cannot allow our weaknesses and our own insecurities to prevent the kind of leadership the Head of the Family should be able to show. All of this is especially important when there are children involved. How children see their parents interact is extremely instrumental in their own development. If they see their

94 father loving their mother, in all the ways discussed in this book, they will naturally be more inclined to follow in that same vein.

Often, the husband or the wife might say things to or in front of the children that influence the children’s image of the other parent in a negative way. Since it is the role of the husband to be unconditional in their love for their wives, it is extremely important the husband never say things that will negatively influence the children toward the mother. At the same time, it is important the husband not endorse of condone the actions of the mother toward the children that is retributive or destructive. At times like that, it is vital the husband be able to fulfill his roll in taking over the situation and lovingly lead the wife in a better direction. That might require the husband/father support the discipline that was intended by the mother, but soften the impact that anger and retribution might be causing. At no time should the wife feel like she is being put down or derided in some way. A private hug and soft words to the wife, once the situation has been controlled, can work wonders.

I have told my son-in-laws, they will never understand or experience the levels of work- load a wife/mother experiences, in the normal lines of work they do. The saying, “A woman’s work is never done,” is true, especially for a mother. To come home from work, exhausted, and expecting the wife, who has worked as hard or harder than you did, all day, to take care of your needs, even though her work continues on into the night, is obviously very selfish and totally without regard to the wife’s needs. As part of being unconditional in love, a husband needs to exercise discernment in those areas.

95

CHAPTER 7

D0 YOU REALLY NEED HER?

Why We Need To Love

It has often been said, there is a God shaped void in everyone’s life. I remember the feeling I had when I first heard that comment. For me, it had been true. I had spent many years, including over ten years with my wife, trying to fill an emptiness I had in me with things I rationally and academically massaged and kneaded to try to get it to fit into that void. Much of what I embraced just seemed to make good sense. “Of course,”

I thought, “our planet has to be billions of years old and the universe had to have sprung from a black hole of unbelievable density. The alternative is absurd.”

I was a believer in a god, even when I was young. I had heard the stories of the Bible and found them quite captivating. Over the years, I followed several concepts; some of which I picked up from people I considered enlightened, others were scenarios I had come up with on my own. I was, at one time, quite willing to accept the idea of reincarnation. I did have some difficulty with the idea western civilization came up with that eliminated the idea that one could come back as a bug or lower animal. If one believed in reincarnation, who was to say it excluded those incarnations simply because they didn’t like them? I realized those ideas were eliminated, because they were not pleasant. Who wants to come back as a cobra or a rat, or even worse, an insect? I

96 realized if one could write in or out the things one liked or didn’t like, it was proof there was no higher power or deity involved.

I decided one had to take the creation story in the Bible as a starting basis. Not feeling comfortable with the literal seven-day idea, I decided it made sense to believe the

Garden of Eden was in fact somewhere else. I decided that somewhere else meant someplace like Mars. It just made sense that what was, scientifically speaking, at one time probably habitable would be the ideal place to have man be formed and live for some indefinite period of time (perhaps millions of years) before they “fell” and were kicked out of the Garden. It further made sense that God would destroy the Garden to make sure no one would try to defile it, again.

It didn’t take long for that idea to sound utterly foolish; even to me—it’s fabricator.

After all, if it was a disqualifier for transmigrationists to mold their beliefs to fit “what felt good,” then it must equally disqualify any molding one did to the creation story to make it more palatable. Through what I would call a number of pragmatic changes and an ever increasing desire to fill that void with something that would truly fit, I finally became a Christian. I realized there were still a few things that didn’t make complete sense, but the shape of Christ as our Lord and Savior fit into that void perfectly. The churches willingness to make concessions, with regard to the “millions and billions” of years, by inserting the Gap Theory into and between Genesis 1:1 and Genesis 1:2, took care of most of my concerns.

97 I could go into much more detail about how I finally came to accept the accuracy of an uncompromised Bible as not only more acceptable, but truly the only possible explanation for what the evidence shows. I won’t take the time to go into that here.

That is too much of a digression and could, literally be enough subject matter for a whole book, by itself. Suffice it to say, because there is a void that only God fits so perfectly, one can say, “I have a joy that passes understanding.” There is no joy that equals that which one has when one is united with God in Glory through His Son, Jesus

Christ. The thrill of having discovered the piece that fit into that void was unexplainable and need to be experienced personally.

My whole point in this lengthy explanation of how there is a God Shaped Vacuum within us that only God can truly fill is to say this. Right next to, or perhaps contained within that vacuum is another shape that is empty. It is that particular void this book addresses. The difference, here, is that this void is more malleable. Whether I allow my hormonal desires, and lusts, to pick a woman to become my wife, or someone randomly chooses someone to be my wife, the result is that any of a thousand different women could potentially fit into that void. God, however, says, “Husbands, love your wives.”

That is where the fine-tuning of that vacuum comes into play. If I choose to love my wife, unconditionally, each and every day, with the overcoming of each new obstacle, that void takes on more exactly the shape of that wife.

If one chooses to obey God and love–truly–unconditionally, the level of emotional, spiritual, and physical euphoria one experiences, as a result, is incomprehensible to

98 those who selfishly seek to do it “My Way.” Just as there are many roads one can walk in life, but there is only one, narrow road, that goes though the narrow gate, so too there are many ways one can try to satisfy the need for glandular and emotional satisfaction in a relationship. There is, however, only one way that will shape that void to the person you have “chosen” to love. That way is “unconditional” love.

In Galatians 5:22-23, Paul says,

“(22) But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, (23) Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

If one can rest completely in the arms of a loving Savior, who did love us so unconditional that he paid the ultimate price for our souls, knowing we would never–in this life–live up to or deserve, the burden of loving our wives, unconditionally, becomes a light burden, indeed. The joy of filling the God Void with Jesus’ love is unimaginable and the ultimate experience. Filling the wife void with someone, around whom you choose to mold that second void, within the guidelines of God’s Word, is a bonus that is well worth the effort and provides you with the “Help Meet” Adam was privileged to experience and share his life with.

This brings us to a question of the heart that has been confused and embraced by many

Christians and the secular world with a fervor that can only be interpreted by scripture, itself. Does it not seem odd that those who do not follow the commandments of God are often those who are fighting for the God ordained institutions or promises? For

99 instance, those who are opposed to having any form of Christianity in public places, especially schools, are often the first to say “God Bless America.” When contemplating death, many agnostics, heathens, cultists, and all forms of non-Christians talk about their loved ones coming from beyond the grave to visit them. Movies generally depict people dying and going to “heaven,” just because they are “good.”

All sins are the same in God’s eyes, with the exception of the one unforgivable sin,

(“Wherefore I say unto you, all manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men."

Matthew 12:31) If we chose to reject the Holy Spirit entering into our lives, we will, without exception, spend eternity separated from God. That may not sound so bad, but the mere thought of being separated from God for three days was enough to cause Jesus to sweat blood in the Garden of Gethsemane.

All I discuss, in this book, presumes one’s willingness to do things in ways that conform both, to God’s commandments to us, and God’s expectations of us. I have known people who have spent their whole lives living what they considered to be a “good” life.

They try to be good to others, they donate to “good” charitable causes; they even help their neighbors move or take care of household issues. They give to the homeless, standing on the corners. They give to the causes shown on TV, like the fund raisers for the people who lost loved ones on 9-11 or lost everything in the Tsunami around

Christmas a year or so ago. Jesus made the issue quite clear, however. When asked, he said, “...Why callest thou me good? None is good, save one, that is, God.” If the one in

100 whom we find salvation is that adamant about there being no one “good,” how can we expect our “goodness” to accomplish our entry into heaven?

I have already discussed the importance of a Godly union with your spouse. I have also discussed the blessings such a union, especially when it has been strengthened by following the “formula.” The opposite is also true. It is difficult, if not impossible, to have a life long, wonderful, relationship with a spouse when entered into and maintained outside the moral conditions and expectations given us by God. One sees that not only in the secular marriages of the world, but also in Christian marriages that do not follow the instruction, “Husbands, love your wives.”

The one blatant misguided teaching–based on my knowledge of the Bible and my resulting presumptions–in this country and most around the world, is the idea that persons of the same sex can enter into marital bliss. Before we enter into this politically dangerous area, I want to make sure there are a few things that are completely understood. First and foremost, Christ died for all mankind. He did not select out a few people or a few ethnic groups to exclude from that offer of salvation. He loves everyone exactly the same. No one can point to someone else and say, “See, God doesn’t love you, because...” You don’t even have to be a Christian or Jew for God to love you.

Having said that, God has made it clear He hates sin. You cannot name a sin that God does not hate. Finally, God’s love for sinners is infinite. Though we, as Christians, as well as non-Christians, sin each and every day, God loves us anyway. That means He

101 loves us even though we constantly commit sins, which He hates. That brings the instruction:

Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, `Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,' when you can't see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log from your own eyes; then perhaps you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend's eye.

--Matthew 7:3-5

into clearer perspective. Only when we die in a state of having rejected Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, can we say there is no hope. We have, by virtue of that rejection, committed the unforgivable sin. Nevertheless, just as God hates the sins listed in the Ten Commandments, God hates all sin. It is for that reason that God has given us instructions on how to do things the right way and what we should not be doing.

Before we just gloss over something we have only briefly touched on, I want to point out what I believe (and this is my belief, although I obviously also believe it to be fact) regarding a same-sex relationship using the above outline of what results from a committed relationship. I know much of society and many other societies regard homosexual relationships as “normal” and healthy. It is readily accepted, by many, that the people who are practicing these types of relationships do not do so by choice, but by some inherent trait over which they have no control.

102 I am the first to admit what they are practicing is genetic, although I am certain it is a choice. Let me explain that statement. When Adam and Eve fell, having committed their first sin, that sin or new sin nature became a general genetic broad spectrum malfunction. It is not a malfunction that has adhered itself to any one particular trait, rather it has cast its shadow over our whole genetic being. For that reason, we humans are now tempted, genetically, to do all manner of things we should not–according to a

Christian or Jewish moral–do. We are tempted to steal, cheat, lie, take advantage of others, murder, and do other things we simply cannot justify by any historically accepted moral standard. Although these actions are genetically predisposed, it is an active choice on the part of the perpetrator of these acts, which dictate whether they give in to that predisposition or not.

We were also created with a genetic desire to have sex. It is the act of sex that results in human replication or procreation. The shadow of sin that taints that genetic design causes us to find certain intrigue and perverse interest in alternative sexual acts.

Sometimes, the level of ecstasy we achieve in our sexual act is highest when we are experimenting or sampling something we know is “forbidden.” As Christians, we are taught that those perverse forms of experimentation–although certainly explored by children without regard to their instruction not to–are not allowed nor considered acceptable. If one is directed in the right course of action, while being raised, it becomes second nature for us to reject those actions we know are not acceptable. On the other hand, if one is not exposed enough to the idea something is wrong, it is easy

103 enough for one to get enough momentary enjoyment out of such experimentation to want to experience it again.

It is the same sort of experimentation an adult might experience when tempted, in an unexpected or even purposely sought out moment of temptation, to see what it is like to have sexual relations with someone other than his or her spouse. The Bible is full of such illicit expressions of weakness, especially in males. Judah and Tamar come to mind. Tamar was the daughter-in-law of Judah and was unsettled because both of

Judah’s older sons had married her, as was the custom, one after the other, because of the death of the former. Neither marriage resulted in offspring. After the death of his second son, Onan, Judah instructed Tamar to wait for his third and younger son to come of age so she might be his wife and produce offspring. When, however, the younger son was of age, Judah did not follow through.

Not wanting to be without children, Tamar disguised herself as a harlot and waited at the side of a road on which she knew Judah would be traveling. When he did pass by, he asked her if he could come in to her, not recognizing her as his daughter-in-law, because she had her face covered. She took, as a guarantee of payment, his signet, his bracelets, and his staff. She had conceived a child in that act. When it became apparent to Judah his daughter-in-law was pregnant, he demanded she be burned. When she produced his signet, his bracelets, and his staff saying, “do you recognize these? These belong to the father of the child.” He acknowledged that she was more righteous than he, because he had not kept his promise to have her wed to his younger son.

104 This story is important in that Judah, an old man with his sons all having achieved adulthood, was still tempted by the “harlot” he saw at the side of the road. He did not think it acceptable to do what he did. He did it because of the reaction the sight of the harlot had on his hormones. Judah was a great man, in the Bible, just as King David was, who also did dastardly things, even to the point of murdering the husband of the woman he fell into lust with. We are all tempted. Our individual abilities or levels of commitment to overcome those temptations vary from individual to individual. The curiosity and perverse excitement, hormonally, a young person might experience in acts with either the opposite gender or the same gender, is often enough, because of our inherited genetic desire for sex and the overshadowing sin nature that corrupts sometimes even the best of us to cause us to take up a life style we might otherwise regret or that we would consider aberrant. That being the case, what is more natural than to try to find justification and acceptance, if not in spite of our action, perhaps because of them?

Since I am, without a doubt (probably among the worst), a sinner and often do things I regret and need to get on my knees to God for, I cannot condemn homosexuals. I don’t have that right. It is my belief we are to love homosexuals just as we are to love all our neighbors. Does that mean I have to love their life style. The clear answer is no. Just as

I cannot condone or love thievery, corruption, murder, or any other sin, I cannot accept homosexuality as an alternative life style.

105 With regard to whether it is a genetic trait that can be ascribed to a certain set of genes, just as brown hair or blue eyes are, I think that to think that is a very slippery slope. It is an argument one reaches for when there is no other way to justify our perverse and sinful deeds. If the characteristic of homosexuality were genetic, it is clear the conveying of that trait would be short lived. Since the act of homosexuality does not reproduce, by virtue of no or fewer offspring, the genetic trait, if there were such a trait, would not freely be passed to the next generation. Allowing for those homosexuals who reproduce as a result of not wanting to be openly disposed to the ridicule or guilt of that lifestyle and, as a result, marry and having children, it is clear it could be passed down for sometimes many generations. Also allowing for throwbacks in genetic characteristics that appear in children after having been dormant for many generations, there might be some argument that there is some genetic conveyance of that kind of trait.

But it is equally clear that traits that are not routinely passed on through normal child offspring will and do eventually disappear. Since homosexuals cannot reproduce as a regular result of their relationships, eventually such traits would become extinct. Yet it seems to be spreading and increasing, instead of disappearing. It is clearly a result of that sin nature in us that causes us to become caught up in perverse actions that are being more and more embraceable and justifiable in a society that increasingly rejects moral life styles.

Equally arguable is the evolutionary idea of positive mutations. Clearly, not being able to reproduce does not convey a stronger survival trait. If the goal is to eradicate the human race, perhaps they have a viable argument. The continued attempts to find,

106 perhaps multiple conditions, which together lead to homosexuality, is just another attempt to find justification for something that can then be described as a way of being born, rather than a choice.

The sin of homosexuality is addressed in many areas of the Bible, both in the Old

Testament and in the New Testament. A partial list of those scriptures is:

Leviticus 18:22 (King James)

22 “ Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.‘

Romans 1:26-27 (King James)

26. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:

27. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

1 Corinthians 6:9 (King James)

9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

There are other references and teachings, which make clear how God feels about the subject. There is a saying that goes, “God loves the sinner, but hates the sin.” This is a

107 touchy, feely, and perhaps even a kindly thing to believe and follow, although not found in the Bible. God, however, has only called us to love our neighbor and to preach the message of salvation to all. If even the sins of fornication, murder, theft, etc., can be forgiven, and there is only one sin that is unforgivable, then it makes sense for us to leave the eternal outcome of one’s soul to God. We are commanded to love our neighbor and it does not break it down into ethnic, cultural, pigment, gender, or religion.

We are not, however, commanded to accept the sinful actions or teachings of the unsaved, unrepentant, and evil minded, who embrace their unrighteousness.

Whether the principals taught in this book work for same sex relationships, I can’t say.

All I can say, with the authority of God’s Word, is that God does not approve of the relationship. Since God’s rules for health, even marital health, don’t seem to depend on one being saved, it would stand to reason that the choice to love and to make that love unconditional would work with any sentient being. Since I also believe it is the Holy

Spirit that truly provides the direction, comfort, and peace, that enables one to love unconditionally, I am doubtful that success can come from a relationship that, of itself, is an affront to God.

It is our duty and privilege to love our Neighbors and to show that love by rejecting lifestyles and activities that are not acceptable to God, but caring enough to preach the message of salvation and the unconditional love Jesus has for us that allowed Him to pay the price of our transgressions with His own life. It remains only for those to whom

108 we reach out to open the door and invite Christ to enter into their lives as Lord and

Savior.

109 CHAPTER 8

IS MID-LIFE CRISIS AN OPTION?

It’s not age that is at issue!

How many times have you heard of someone (usually a man) who has had an affair or divorced his wife and it was all blamed on “mid-life” crisis? There are few things that are as destructive of a marital relationship as an extramarital affair. The causes and excuses are manifold, but it always boils down to one thing... it is all about “ME.” If I am feeling like I am not getting what I think I need out of a relationship, I might choose to sample other fruits to see if the grass truly is greener in other pastures. If I start having some insecure thoughts like, “Would I still have what it takes if I had to start over?” or, “Would it feel better with someone else?” There are any number of questions that lead to justification for allowing “mid-life crisis” to be the cause or blame for doing those things that are ultimately selfish and hurt all parties involved; including the spouses, kids, other participants, and friends. Mid-life crisis, though real in terms of men feeling they may not still have what it takes–or what they think it takes–is one of the most overused and misused cause and is primarily used as a justification for doing what we know is wrong.

Several of our best friends are no longer even friends, because their guilt for what they had done was too great to face those friends with whom we thought they had shared a strong bond. More often, it is the man/husband who feels the need to experiment or go off and find himself. It is not unusual, though, for the woman/wife to be the one to want

110 to find self-fulfillment in the attentions of another man. Although the justification for this action is just as selfish as those of the husband, the premise of this book would argue the wife would not have chosen such an action if she were getting the undivided and unconditional attention and love from her husband.

It cannot be argued that a man, in whatever emotional of spiritual condition he finds himself in, won’t be tempted. It is normal to be tempted. It is not beneficial, Godly, or edifying to give in to that temptation. Knowing that every man is tempted is not to say that every man will give in to that temptation or, conversely, have an easy time to overcome it. Temptation, especially with regard to the hormonal issues, is something every man will face (Even Jesus had “been tempted in every way, just as we are”

Hebrews 4:15). It is what we do with that temptation that is of profound importance.

Remember, it is actually the decision of whether we will do what feels good at the time, that which will satisfy temporary desires or desires of the flesh, which are always selfish, or that which is in the best interest of our spouse. The latter would, of course, be the unconditional thing to do.

At the ripe “old” age of sixty, I can’t say I have not experienced those temptations as I approached middle age. In fact, I can say with certainty, I started experiencing those temptations as a young man, although with different leanings. Early in my relationship with my wife, I was naturally attracted to women whom I found attractive (especially sexually) and admit I was tempted, as I believe are all men who are in their prime. There were certain difficulties, at that time, to feeling a loyalty that would keep me from

111 wandering. The first was, we were not married, so it could easily be rationalized that I was still free to pick from the fruit of other trees. Although I was committed to my relationship to my chosen mate, we were not married, yet. I was ready and more than willing to marry, but she was reluctant to enter into a legally permanent relationship.

After all, she rationalized, what if we decided in the long run, it wouldn’t work out? If we weren’t married, we would have no difficulty in pursuing other relationships. It never works out that easy, but that was the rationale. Since she was not, at that point, interested in making a decision for a life long commitment and permanence, I didn’t always have the feeling or security that my devotion to her would be rewarded with her devotion to me.

The result was that is made it even more difficult to resist the temptations that inevitably come along. If my faithfulness to her caused me to miss out on an experience that could, potentially, replace the current relationship with one that felt more permanent, that seemed, at times, to be a pretty high cost for that faithfulness. Looking back at those few, but potentially hurtful temptations, I can only marvel the blessings that came from honoring my commitment rather than following my hormones (there were other factors that weighed into the situations, too. I had become accustomed to having to work hard for the rewards in our relationship. The aggressive actions of other women, while tempting in a totally superficial and hormonal way, were also uncomfortable and undesirable. The thought of giving it to those types of temptations felt dirty to me).

Remaining committed was certainly made easier because of the knowledge of the heights I felt with my wife-to-be. The thought of losing her, because of some stupid,

112 hormonal, indiscretion, was too painful to give in to that temptation. There are a lot of reasons I was certain if I did anything to lose her, she would not be inclined to take me back. That was true whether it was something of my doing or of her doing. Either way, her personality was not one, which would allow her to take the humble approach and take me back with open, or even semi-open, arms. That, by the way, is not currently the case. In our years together, she has become, whether because of her dedication to the

Lord, or because of the genuine growth of love between us, much more humble and loving.

It is also true that our emotional and spiritual states are subject to the life experiences we encounter. In my forties, I was no less affected by mid-life crisis than the next man.

Although I found myself wondering, at times, if I had what it takes to attract and win the affections of another, the knowledge of what I had, in my wife, was far too great to ever want to do something that would damage that. As in virtually all relationships, there were times I didn’t feel the relationship was all it could be. Either the time I was spending with my wife wasn’t very rewarding or pleasant or sex wasn’t what it used to be. It was those times I was either feeling sorry for myself, or I was expecting something in return for all “I” was doing for my wife and my family.

Feeling sorry for one’s self is, I believe, the real culprit, here. We see beautiful or attractive women and think, “I used to be a real contender for someone like that.” It may not even be true, but the thought, itself, is enough to make men start wondering if they still have what it takes. What one usually ends up with, if one gives into that line of

113 thinking and the temptations we encounter, is generally no better, and usually, not as good or on par with our wives. The risk we take in entertaining such phantasies is enormous, in terms of the amount of harm that comes from giving in to such dreams.

What seems to be lost in all the discussions and justifications is the real question. That questions should really be, “Do I still have what it takes to win the affection of my wife?”

If one has truly tried to live up to the unconditional love formula, the rewards one has reaped are huge. The memories of the extreme highs are indeed things that one, at this uncertain age in life, would want to recapture. That does not mean it needs to be found in the arms or adoration of another. As indicated, earlier, I was not immune from the feelings of uncertainty that are normal to men. I had, though, experienced emotional feelings with my wife that had left a profound and indelible mark on my heart. While I couldn’t help but wonder if I still had what it took to recreate that with another, it occurred to me it was even more important for me to wonder if I still had what it took to rekindle or recapture the affections and highs I had experienced with my own wife.

Since life is in a constant state of flux, my own doubts about me were inadvertently causing a low in our relationship. I can’t say it was bad. I can only say the highs didn’t seem as high as they had been. It would have been so easy to use that low as an excuse to stray. I knew there was something better in store, because of the wonderful times I had experienced in the past. It was, however, because of those wonderful experiences

114 that I decided what I really needed to do was to prove to myself I still had the ability to love her and make her happy and win her full and devoted love, again. There was truly nothing I needed to win. She did still love me and was always ready to respond to my love for her. There was no validity in the thought that I needed to win her love, again.

All the physical or emotional gains I might have thought I would be able to find elsewhere, I had already proven in the past was and still is imminently more available with her. It was when my wife was happy and secure that the highs I experienced with her were so profound.

I resolved to turn the “mid-life crisis” into that which I think was meant to be. I renewed my efforts to convey unconditional love. I started courting my wife as though she were my newfound love of my youth. I admit, there were times I think she was a little annoyed by my affections and attentions. I took the path of least resistance and told her of my uncertainties about myself and my decision that this “mid-life crisis,” if that were what it was I was experiencing, should be directed at proving I could still be her lover and protector. Although she continued to be annoyed by it at times, she accepted the explanation with more grace than I could have expected. She could just as easily have assumed I was covering up, out of guilt or self preservation, attentions I might have been delivering to other targets.

The re-intensification of my attentions and resolve to love her unconditionally were, in my eyes and in retrospect, extremely successful. We were, as a result of listening to my heart echoing “Husbands, love your wives,” continuing on in a relationship of love,

115 trust, and respect that would otherwise have been threatened by giving in to what society has rationalized away as being a normal and acceptable result of our mid-life insecurities. We were even able to weather the “empty-nest syndrome” of both of our daughters leaving the nest within a few months of each other. We took that opportunity, and our renewed interest in one another, to start dating and doing adventurous things again. I can honestly say I am as much enamored in and in love with my wife today as I ever was; perhaps even more. Our affections for each other are not as overshadowed by the hormonal drives as they were in our youth. Although we still have those same hormonal drives, they are more a result of our affections rather than the other way around.

If I were to base my conclusions just on my own experiences, perhaps it could be argued that they are based on an anomaly. I have, however, friends and acquaintances, who have, following the same formula and pursuing an unconditional relationship, experienced the same result. They weathered the mid-life obstacles and strengthened their relationships with the same result. They are openly and obviously in love with each other. They want nothing more than each other’s happiness. One of the couples would be celebrating their 69th anniversary this year, were it not for the wife’s peaceful passing early last year. They thought of nothing more than loving each other and caring for one another until her passing. The husband, at the age of 93, passed away three months later, still holding the same regard and love for her, even after her passing.

116 Don’t fall into the trap of the world and let the insecurities you experience destroy the potential for true happiness. If the application of the principle, advocated herein, works during the years we are saturated with hormones that make the eyes and mind wander to those forbidden areas, it can easily work in comforting the insecurities man’s pride conjures up when one starts fearing the loss of good looks, physical prowess, youthful vigor, or any number of other traits. The rewards of accepting these principles are immeasurable.

117 CHAPTER 9

CAPTURE THE DREAM

The Dream Is Within Your Reach

I can say with confidence, through experience and exposure to other couples who have experienced success, the beauty and joy of a marital relationship as experienced by following the formula is beyond description. One would have to use many pages just to partially capture the true depth and warmth of that experience. One would also be remiss, however, if one were to ignore the thorns. To use the analogy of the rose, it is delicate, dainty, beautiful beyond compare, fragrant in unmistakable allure, and is always elevated to the very pinnacle of the stem, where it belongs. Nurturing that gorgeous flower, however, requires great care to avoid the pain of the thorns. It must be protected from predators who are attracted by the very beauty and fragrance, whether they attack it to clip it and place it in a place of short-term adoration, or to devour it because of its unique flowery flavor.

That is the way I see the great flower God has given us in our wives. We, through the instruction we have received, are the gardeners and our wives are the roses. They provide us with visual stimulation and arouse all of our senses. We are ideally to provide nurture, protection, sustenance, and direction. In the process, we are bound to get stuck by some of the thorns. As painful as that can sometimes be, it does not cause us to lose appreciation for their beauty–physical or character–nor does it cause us to want to ignore or put away that object of both beauty and pain.

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I know I have put a lot of effort into presenting a flowery description of the result of following the Godly principal of loving one’s wife. It can be described as too good to be true, and to difficult to be possible. Yet both of those assessments are wrong. It is not at all too good to be true, nor is it too difficult to be possible. There are varying degrees of success that come with any endeavor. Students who are in school, because they have to be, whether to get a degree in the field they think they would like to pursue or they are

“forced” to by their parents, who are in all likelihood paying for it, will usually not achieve the level of success they are capable of. On the other hand, those students who are truly motivated to become the best they can be in the field of their choosing and are there because they truly want to be, are the ones who will achieve a much higher level of success and enjoy it in the process.

Those students, who are there because they want to be, are successful because they choose to be. The students, who are there against their specific will, can’t compete.

They end up performing poorly and unhappily. The same is true of our relationships with our wives. If we are in the relationship because we want to be, it is a lot easier to apply one’s utmost with passion and determination. That was why Paul did not say,

“Husbands, perhaps it would be better if you would try to love your wives, especially if they are nice to you.”

Many professionals spend much of their time trying to get better at their chosen field.

Doctors, for instance, are always reading new reports and studies on medical

119 developments. Mechanical engineers are always reading up on new materials and breakthroughs in new mechanical technologies. Husbands, whether they are professionals or not, on the other hand, often spend time going to work they don’t like, spending time away from that which should be the most important part of their lives, and reading Sport’s Illustrated or watching Monday night football, Tuesday night wrestling,

Wednesday night basket ball, and...well, you get the idea. Not that doctors, engineers, or any other professional is better at their relationships than the Monday night football crowd. In fact, they are often worse, because after spending long hours in their profession and then more hours in keeping up with developments, they have little or no time or patience for keeping up with the needs of their spouse. Many a relationship has fallen apart due to lack of care. If a woman, or a man for that matter, feels their partner loves their work or other extracurricular activities more than they love their spouse, what reason is there for not going out and finding that level of care and love somewhere else?

If one follows the concept because they choose to, and if they put the same effort one would put into something they truly want to be successful at, the rewards would be far greater than any material reward for hard work in your profession. Success in a profession, meaning becoming financially independent, most often means one becomes more of a slave to maintaining that life style. It becomes a “keeping up with the

Joneses,” activity. One becomes addicted to frequent, if not artificial, adulation. “What a nice house you have,” “What a great car that is.” “That was a great party you throw.”

120 I, personally, feel it far more important to hear, “you guys seem like newlyweds.” “You two seem so happy together.” “You two seem so youthful for your age.” Yes, even your appearance is better and more youthful. If you spend much of your time smiling, because you are happy and successful in the most important relationship in the world, you will always seem younger.

My wife and I were visiting some elderly friends, last year. When I say elderly, I mean he was 91 years old and she was 92 years old. Although they appeared to be in their 70s or 80s (already pretty old for most people), they had a youthful glow that was always enhanced by a smile and a great attitude. He had a hip replacement, and chronic nearly debilitating arthritis. His wife had already had two bouts with cancer; colon cancer and liver cancer. They were incidents about 15 years apart. She had a combination of glaucoma and macular degeneration and was totally blind in one eye. She needed hearing aids in both ears to be able to carry on a conversation. She had type ll diabetes, and arthritis. Whenever we asked them how they were doing, I always got the same upbeat answer. “Couldn’t be better!” The thing that was unique and rewarding about that answer was that it came from the heart. There was no wavering or uncertainty or, more importantly, cynicism in the answer. With all the physical problems they had, they were some of the most upbeat people I had ever met.

After we had spent a good hour and a half visiting with them in their Motor Home, which they used often–even at that age–the 92 year old husband looked at me and said,

“Young man, you believe you have a beautiful wife,” pointing to Evelyn sitting next to

121 me. “I want you to know, this woman I married 67 years ago always was and always will be the most beautiful woman in the world!” Her almost unseeing eyes twinkled when he said that. He meant every word of it. At the age of 93, she was still the sweetheart of his youth. I was moved by that comment and its sincerity. He did not put her on a pedestal; he did not make her out to be anyone she wasn’t. He knew her frailties better than anyone. He could see her shriveled up form and stooped back.

Nevertheless, he had chosen, long ago, to love her and he honored her with that choice to the day he died, even though she predeceased him by three months, last year (this was the couple I spoke of, earlier). He echoed my sentiments for my own wife and, just as he did that day in that RV, I try to make sure she is always aware of my feelings for her.

You see, it is not what you perceive; it is how you perceive it. Once you have made a choice to take a woman as your wife, it is time to love her unconditionally. It is that kind of love that turns every woman into the most beautiful woman in the world. Once she perceives that you truly feel that way about her, she becomes the royal princess she has always had waiting insider her to be called forth.

I meet some of the most interesting people in my line of business. Many of them are well educated and well traveled. When I hear of their difficulties in marriage, I feel great sorrow for them. If they are Christians, I try to tell them the secret that unlocks the potential for the kind of relationship they might and should be able to have. If they are not, I really have to withhold comment in order to not make them incredulous. I have made that mistake, before. The unmitigated gall I have to imply they either did not do

122 everything in their power to save the relationship was not only beyond their comprehension; it was downright insulting to them. It was as plain as the nose on their faces that the fault did not lie with them. It was because the spouse was unreasonable, know it all, complaining, inattentive, rude, unfaithful, or any of many different adjectives describing why it was the fault of the spouse and not their own.

I will grant the possibility that the spouse may have, in fact, been many of those things.

Just as a smile can change a person’s day, though, love can change a person’s life. The unknowing arrogance I had to witness, in a relative’s marriage, was painful as my wife and I watched his wife calling out, with every fiber of her being, to be loved. The worst part is, he thought he was loving her. He was totally unreceptive to any counsel I was able to give him. Over and over again I have heard people in my family or friends we have known say (and I paraphrase), “Yeah, but you and Evelyn have a good relationship.”

“That’s easy for you to say; Evelyn loves you.” “You don’t understand, I do everything

I can for her, but all I get in return is....” How can any man expect his wife to show him adoration and honor him if he is doing everything he does to receive that as compensation? When the Apostle Paul mentioned a laborer is worth his hire, I wonder if he knew he was describing a marriage relationship. If everything you do is to get something out of a relationship, you will receive the same substandard pay or compensation you get when you do what you do for your employer.

123 The dream of a GREAT relationship with your wife is available to you. All you need to do is stop thinking of yourself and what you want out of the relationship. If you can ever accomplish that, you will have a relationship that so far exceeds anything you ever expected, you will not believe the results. Just reach out and capture the dream.

124 CHAPTER 10

A NEW PURPOSE

A better Battle Plan

I need to clarify or elaborate on a few issues. I believe, absolutely, God has made it quite clear, through Paul in his letter to the Church in Ephesus, that men were the ones who would bear the responsibility and the burden of being the one who would have to follow Jesus’ example. This belief has quite literally carried me through times of sickness, financial difficulties, and emotional difficulties related to “failure” in the home and the work place, along with many more battles of the spirit than I could possibly mention. That is perhaps hard to believe, but it is true.

Every man needs a purpose in life. Some go through life without ever identifying that purpose. Whether the life is an auspicious and strange one like Howard Hughes lived, or an embattled one like Hitler lived, it is a particular purpose in life that drives us. If we have difficulty in discovering what that purpose in our lives should be, we will often invent one. I have met men who have had little or no purpose in life. That is particularly true in the secular circles I sometimes have to run in, related to the business

I have been in. It is, however, also true in the Christian circles I fellowship in. In the case of the secular individuals I know, the lack of any purpose in life can lead to melancholy, apathy, self pity, hatred of everything and everyone around them, and even self destructive thoughts. Depression is most often the result of experiencing no direction and the feeling that no one cares. If one has no purpose, what reason should there be to have any joy or happiness in life? There are no goals, so how can there be

125 any victories? If you think about it, for a moment, how can one feel depression if they actively try to help others who are in a position of needing help? It doesn’t need to be financial help. It can be help around the house, or with the kids, or with driving to shopping, etc. If we are absorbed in other’s needs, it gives us little time to feel despondent about our own, which are often only perceived and not real needs (even though our society tries to make us all victims). If we watch someone like Nick Vujicic, born without arms and without legs, who spends his time ministering to people who have so much more than he, but feel despondent or depressed because of their situation, we would soon see it is all a state of perception. If someone born into such a dependent state, can smile and deliver a powerful message about appreciating what they have, as opposed to what they don’t have, there doesn’t seem to be any justification for our own self pity.

For a Christian with no particular purpose in life, there should or could always be one overriding purpose that has little to do with personal goals or purpose. Of course that purpose is to glorify God. Once one grasps that concept, other areas of life are not as deeply affected by the lack of purpose. Oh, it still can result in the feeling of being incomplete and in a feeling of apathy, even in a Christian’s life. It is so easy to just make excuses or come up with reasons for not having a purpose. Purpose is often seen as a long term condition, when in fact it can be as short ranged as purposing to go to bed early, this evening, or to eat less at your next meal. Whether it is short term or long term, it is a commitment to do something. Without that commitment...purpose is not there.

126

If I say, “I’m not prosperous because I don’t want to be prosperous,” it is, in all likelihood, simply a way of avoiding having to recognize a purpose in my life. If I say,

“As a Christian, I don’t believe I should be involved in politics, even to vote,” it makes it easier for me not to get involved in those things that might make a difference in our children’s lives (though I recognize many Christians actually do believe God does not want us to be involved in those political decision making processes). It is truly apathetic to set aside purpose in life. Please keep in mind that, since I am not a psychologist or therapist, what I am relating to you is personal and an opinion that may or may not have academic backing, but is the result of spending many ours pondering the plight of such as have taken those stances, which sometimes includes myself.

By recognizing the instruction that I should choose to love my wife, and taking it serious, it not only gives me a sense of purpose in honing those attitudes and skills that will show my wife unconditional love, it give me a huge number of purposes that spring from that one purpose like a water from an artesian well. Aside from the quiet time I have with the Lord in prayer and reading scripture, there is nothing that makes my day brighter than when my wife spontaneously calls up from the kitchen, “Norman, I love you.” We may not have spoken for a while, because either I am busy with whatever it is that is occupying my mind and time, or because she is busy with a project she is doing in the kitchen or the living room. That tells me that I am on her mind. Whatever form that takes, it must be a good thought for her to feel like telling me she loves me without provocation.

127

That feeling is incomparable to any otherworldly experience. There is no drug that can give that kind of euphoria, nor is there any glandular stimulation that can equal it, save of course the glandular stimulation that is spawned from that same source–the woman you have chosen to love–metaphorically wrapping you in that love. It is the kind of love that drives one to purpose. It is the kind of love that gives me the desire and purpose to share with you what it means to make the choice to dedicate and commit yourselves unreservedly to one particular woman. It is that kind of experience and emotional high that makes me only shake my head in wonder when I hear the question “does that mean we are to be doormats?”

In all this euphoric banter, which is far more serious than many might think, I do not want to convey the idea that I am in a constant state of silly exuberance, as a result of these shows of unsolicited love. I am the first to admit there are challenges and a lot of disappointments that go along with any commitment to meet all the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of a spouse. There are, for instance, times when your spouse just simply wants to be left alone.

Whether it is because she is not feeling well or has had a bad day because one of the kids is sick or someone blew up at her at work, or she is having her monthly hormone swings, the fact is, there are going to be times when there is absolutely nothing you can say or not say that will make anything better. Don’t be surprised if it something you are doing, thinking, feeling, or an attitude problem you might not even be aware of that is

128 upsetting her. She might not even be aware that you are the unintentional cause. All of these might be true at one time or another. That uncertainty of course is true when one first becomes involved with their spouse or spouse to be, and it will be true through one’s entire relationship. It is such times you will feel like the formula doesn’t work.

After all, if it worked, wouldn’t she be overcome in response to your love? If she snaps at you and everything you say makes it worse, and when you choose not to say anything in the hopes of not saying something to make it worse, she gets more agitated, because it is obvious to her you don’t even want to talk to her or respond to her, it is not an indication that the plan does not work. We are human, so the adoption of a plan that is perfect is not always perfectly implemented.

Such times are the times you need to rest, take it easy and remember, “...this, too, shall pass.” If you have a relationship with the Lord, it is a good time to spend in prayer.

Don’t fall in the trap of feeling sorry for yourself and asking God, “Why me, oh Lord?”

After all, what did you expect? Was there some condition or response you expected to result from your “unconditional” love?

It is also such times we need to be praying for our wives. We need to ask God to comfort them, strengthen them, and lift their spirits. We need to thank God, not only for giving them to us, but also for providing these moments of relationship building and love strengthening. It’s like eating. In a twenty-four hour period, we might spend about two hours in the enjoyment of eating. We usually, then, spend a few hours in discomfort during which we either relax to allow digestion or move about to relieve the feeling of

129 fullness, and the remaining 20 hours in a non-eating, non-hungering, and general uncomplicated metabolic state. That is the way it is with our relationships. We might spend only a little time, each day (the more the better, obviously), enjoying the quality time we have with our spouse, either before we go to work in the morning or after we get home in the evening. Then there will be times when we are in a range of discomfort that is like I described above. It might hurt or sting a little, but it will pass. Both the element of love and time (in that order) will work together to heal or alleviate that hurt.

The rest of our time is spent in doing that which we have to do to meet our obligations during each day. That is our uncomplicated emotionally metabolic time, metaphorically speaking.

We need to recognize that, while God’s plan for our marriages was perfect, we are not.

We can take the simplest instruction and turn it into volumes of difficult to comprehend philosophies. The Ten Commandments, in all their simplicity, were turned into volumes of Mosaic and Jewish laws. The Pharisees were always after Jesus and his disciples for not following the letter of the laws they had come up with as an improvement and better defining the ten laws. Paul, the Apostle, wrote in Romans 10:9, “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”

Man has taken that and “improved” on it to the extent that we have to obey all the

Commandments, or we have to speak in tongues, or we have to be baptized in water or with the gift of tongues, or we have to be interceded for by a priest or pastor. The list

130 could go on for quite a while. All of those things, though, belie the simplicity of the truth. It is the heart and one’s willingness to acknowledge those things of the heart that make for truth in a relationship. Let me be very clear on that subject, with regard to truth. I do not believe fundamental truths can be different for each person. It is not simply believing in something that provides the success of the simple purpose. Even

Satan believes in God and Jesus. No one can seriously suggest that Satan’s undeniable belief in the Creator provides salvation for him. Satan has communed with God, provoked God, and even tried to wrest power from God. Such an intimate knowledge of

God is not readily available to you or me. Yet that intimate, personal, knowledge of

God has done nothing to cause him to bow before God or to be saved for all eternity.

Believing in another god, or that your truth, different though it might be, is equally valid, because you believe it, is just another road to Hell. Similarly, denying the existence of or simply disbelieving will by no means make it untrue. There is only one truth. There are many comprehensions, understandings, or interpretations, but the only

TRUTH is that truth that was fashioned by God in the beginning. Covering it up or pushing it aside does not make it any less true. I can’t even laugh or chuckle when I hear someone say, “Oh, that is your reality, but this is my reality.” I can’t help but hurt for those who believe that, because it is that kind of deception that Satan finds so much satisfaction in. He is the father of lies and, “in my reality I can be God.” That is the lie he told Adam and Eve in the Garden, and he continues to spread it, today.

131 It is that same state of deception that allows us, as willing accomplices, to embrace the idea that we are the masters of our own fates. We can do what we want and, other than answering to society and society’s laws–if we get caught–we don’t have to answer to anyone. Whether it is as a philanderer, robber, or someone who just thinks it is their right to exercise control and even tyrannical power over someone, it is the almost inevitable breakdown of that belief system or concept that leads to moral and mental decay. Sometimes that is revealed in the sick and perverted things some people do to others, from raping, killing, stealing, etc. More often it shows itself in an inability to do that, which is necessary to save a marriage or raise a child with tough love.

In a world that is so rampant with divorce and unwed couples and parents; a world that embraces sodomy, evolution, pornography; a world that has pushed the blame onto someone else and stands there with a hand held out, I pray there might be a resurgence in the men of this country to take hold of their responsibility to LOVE THEIR WIVES!

Not only will their lives and relationships be better, even with other people and their children, but also the world will be a better place for it. Women can finally recognize they don’t have to be treated like men to be equal. Men can finally assume the role God has ordained for them.

132 CHAPTER 11

WHOSE ROLE IS IT ANYWAY?

Is This Concept Gender Specific?

I want to clarify a distinction. I do not think men are more capable of accomplishing or doing all that I have discussed in this book. In many ways, I actually think women are far more capable and better equipped to succeed in loving unconditionally. It is not about how capable men are, it is about the fact that God thought it important enough for the men to be the ones to employ this kind of forgiving, selfless, unconditional, undying, and unstoppable love, that he put it on Paul’s heart to write about it.

Does it work equally well if the women are the ones to employ the unconditional love methodology? The example in Chapter 2 shows it clearly will clearly work as well if the woman is the one to love unconditionally. I expect this selfless kind of love cannot help but work for anyone, anywhere. I firmly believe, however, there is a certain requirement in this whole program to make it truly work.

I know there are a lot of dubious people out there, and certainly many of them will be reading this book in the hopes of finding something that will help save their marriage.

Whether you as the reader are willing to set aside your pride and admit, first that you are incapable of solving your marital problems on your own, and second that the happiness and well being of your wife is more important to you than anything else in this world, you will in all likelihood never succeed in solving those marital problems. I, as a man, have a pretty good general idea of what men are like and what they are capable of.

133 There is no sin, which can be conceived of, that men are not capable of doing. The first sin was pride “wanting to be like Gods.” However, without submitting to God–without accepting the love and person of the first one to ever show true unconditional love, as the lord of your life–I do not believe one can ever have the ability to do what is necessary to love your wives as instructed and as we have discussed in this book. I know that sounds way too exclusionary or discriminating to many, but I believe the evidence bears that out.

I don’t know exactly how to impress this on you sufficient enough to convey just how important this realization is. I will trust God to give me the wisdom to do just that.

It is time to consider the unconditional nature of God. You see, it was God’s love that said, “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners,

Christ died for us.” (KJ Romans 5:8) God has a history of loving us from the first day of

His creation to today. It was in love that He created us; it was in love he allowed us to suffer the consequences of our disobedience. It was in love He has, time and time again, taken mankind back into his arms with total forgiveness. His forgiveness for misdeeds has been loudly proclaimed through the blessings heaped on our own country during its youth, fight for independence, struggle for peace and prosperity, and–into the 20th century–in the strengthening of our country to remain, not only victorious, but also humane and uninterested in occupation and domination of other countries that we defeated.

134 Mankind is sinful. There is not a day that goes by in which we do not sin in thought or deed. Even those pious enough to believe they are without sin are guilty of pride and lack of humility (“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” KJ 1st John 1:8). We are selfish and narcissistic beyond belief. Everything we do, as a race, is designed to proclaim our lordship over the world, peoples, and nature. If it does not benefit us, it is not likely to get done or supported, or believed.

Having said that, mankind is also the only creature capable of acting selflessly with intelligent intent. Many have sacrificed even their lives for the benefit of others whether family, loved ones, or sometimes even total strangers. The Good Samaritan is the

Biblical story of someone who selflessly sacrifices for the benefit of a total stranger. It is true the stranger was first abused at the hands of others, but that does not lessen and perhaps even elevates the value of the Samaritan’s unselfish acts. You see, there is that something in each of us that is a reflection of the potter who formed us. It is unfortunately far too easy for us to allow our own corrupt nature and selfish desires to overshadow or perhaps even totally eclipse that reflection. If we, however, choose to exercise some “good” in our lives, we can grasp that reflection of the creator’s goodness.

While it is true that sinful acts can bring some level of euphemistically described “joy” or “happiness,” it is equally true that such acts are accompanied by feelings of guilt. No matter how deep we try to bury those feelings, they are there. Sometimes they fester and are compelling motivations to commit more of the same acts to experience the feelings of “joy” or “happiness” we were convinced we had experienced before. We are lured

135 into a life of repeated “sin” with the ongoing hope it will someday bring us true happiness or, at the very least, with the hope the guilt will go away. To make matters worse, we are often taught to overcome our feelings of guilt by presumably well meaning people who think it is wrong to allow anyone to suffer guilt. The reasoning is complex, but it relates to one’s desire to believe there is no such thing as evil. If I can convince myself there is no evil, then I can obviously not be guilty of evil. If an act that causes me momentary hormonal or physiological joy is not evil, then I can repeat that act and (hopefully) not experience guilt.

For whatever period of time one can subdue the feeling of guilt, there is and always will be a day of reckoning. The numbers of people who are and have been mentally ill as a result of unresolved guilt in their lives is as uncountable as the numbers of people who prefer one type of roasted coffee over another. Polls can be taken, studies initiated, and results offered, but the real number will always be elusive. When I personally witness the hurt and suffering endured by drug addicts or alcoholics; when I personally hear the excuses, justifications, explanations, and other means used to make it all right; when I personally see the emaciation, the sores from self inflicted wounds or from use of drugs; when I personally see the children, wives, and husbands who are devastated by those who are suffering from the “sinful” involvement in anything of a non-moral character, I know the denial of evil, and therefore guilt, has no credibility in any form whatsoever.

I can and do feel sorrow for those people. I can and do pray for those people–for whom only God has an answer. It is only their own potential to be willing to accept the fact

136 they are suffering from denial and self-affliction that can lead them out of that state and into “the light.”

How does this fit into the premise of this book? I see, in the environment in which we live, married couples deeply devoted to one another. In this same environment, I see married partners who are deeply devoted only to themselves. There is a wide diversity of couples in between. The one thing that remains a constant is, the couples that are devoted to each other are the ones whose marriages are solid, happy, fulfilling, and filled with love. The ones who are devoted only to themselves are constantly searching for the meaning of happiness and life. Infidelity is often seen as merely a way of getting what the spouse has not been able to provide. Some even advocate it as a way of improving the relationship by taking the burden off the one in the relationship who is, for some reason, not able to provide that needed aspect of the relationship for the other.

If I have a choice, I choose for that which will provide complete, guiltless, love and acceptance in the form of happiness that is imminently achievable. That has got to be head and shoulders above a life time of searching, experimenting, excusing, and ultimate failure to find any meaning to a relationship. It is that choice that this whole book is about. Truly loving your wife, unconditionally, the way Christ loved the church and was willing to die for it, is the only thing that not only makes the marriage work, but makes both the husband and the wife happy and content beyond anything we could ever hope to experience, otherwise.

137 I have, so often, heard people argue, “It has to come from the wife, too.” That is true if one prefers it to be true. But it is my purpose in life to love my wife unconditionally, without expectation of anything in return. This refers back to the chapter on purpose.

This is a gift so freely given as to not create a feeling of indebtedness. There is no recourse expected. If I can accomplish that free giving of love, as is my purpose, even if it is not always perfectly exercised, I have been successful in loving unconditionally. I have, by doing that, accomplished my purpose of making my wife happy, secure, and the number one priority in my life, which gives her a unique feeling of value in the relationship.

138

CHAPTER 12

IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE COWARDLY?

Retreat is often the most aggressive offense!

In this book, I have made several references to men who say the equivalent of, “Am I to be a door mat?” It is clear to me that most of those who take that position, present that question, have that concern, or make that kind of statement, are looking for justification in just not putting up with or not getting something in return for what they think they are doing for their spouse (or, more simply put, are feeling sorry for themselves). It is so much easier to claim abuse, than to suck it up and give that unconditional love we have been discussing.

Having said that, I want to address those men who have, effectively, allowed themselves to become “door mats.” You see, being a devoted, unconditionally loving, husband does not eliminate the obligation of men to be the heads of their wives and provide the same kind of direction and firmness we witness from Jesus, in the scriptures. Although Jesus loved the Jews, which of course included the Pharisees, he was not short on his warnings to them whether because of their actions or lack of actions, or the gross negligence he witnessed in the temple with the Money Changers. Nor was he ever short on words. He would point out one’s indiscretions and errors, but never failed to do it in love. It is true that some of those pointed ministerings were what we would call tough love, but it was, nevertheless, love. Even His anger, as he drove the money changers out of the temple,

139 was an expression of love. It was love for His heavenly father as well as love for those who were either deceived by the Pharisees or their own vanity.

Women are, by far, the more sensitive, perceptive, and spiritual of the two genders.

Whether because of that or in spite if it, women are often less secure, or confident, and need to have someone who can help provide various forms of security. It is early in life one learns to test their own security by acting in ways that would seem to threaten that security. When we are dealing with children, we find they will try to push the envelope at every opportunity and in every direction. Those children that are deprived of a firm hand and genuine guidance end up being the most insecure adults. I remember reading about an example of a public school in which the parents and faculty decided it was inappropriate to fence in the school grounds. It was, they insisted, as though the children were in a cage.

Having come to that conclusion, they decided to remove the fence. They were startled to notice that the children no longer played around the edges of the school grounds; rather they only played games or congregated in the center of the grounds. It seemed as though that which they perceived as a secure environment had been removed. With the fence in place, they would push the envelope of those boundaries, sometimes even striving to get beyond them to test their merit.

Imagine you awaken one day to find yourself in what seems to be a chair in total darkness. You don’t know where you are, because there is no light to indicate whether you are in a large hall, or a small room. There is, in fact, nothing to indicate the

140 presence of a floor beyond your feet. There could be a precipice all around you, or a wall only feet away. One would obviously have to overcome one’s fear of the unknown to set out in any direction–hands outstretched and feet probing each step–in order to find out just how secure you are. Each misstep or stumble would send us back to the security of the chair or those parts already explored that did not seem to threaten our security. If there were someone who could take us by the hand and show us the secure way, that would be a real relief.

We men, too, all have areas in which we experience insecurities. Knowing we have areas of capabilities and skills we can market in the work force and, thereby, provide for our wives and families gives us a level of security, with which we can reassure those for whom we have responsibility. If a wife does not sense that confidence or security in her husband, she will naturally try to take measures to establish a sense of security in her self. I believe it is fairly common for women to use various means of accomplishing that goal. Whether it is by becoming the dominant partner or to act out aggressions, tantrums, or actively seek pity or sympathy from her spouse.

A man who, himself, has low self-esteem or issues with lack of confidence or security might try to keep things on an even keel, just to avoid conflict. I have seen couples who live in continuous unsettling situations, because they can not grasp the security issue. It often leads to depression, either in one of the spouses or in both. Since it is my opinion depression is an emotion that comes from one being consumed by one’s own fears, insecurities, needs, or conditions, it is a very selfish state. It is experienced by both, men

141 and women. We try to doctor that condition by using drugs, which mask the symptoms, but do nothing for the cause. The solution is to help that depressed person come out of him or herself; to get them refocused on others rather than themselves.

Although this issue is one that both genders have to deal with, and the solution works equally well whether it is the husband or the wife, or even a third party, that provides the support, this book is written from the premise that it is the man’s role to love the wife, no matter what. Taking that position means when the wife has needs to be met, in order to overcome the cause of the distress, it is the unconditional role of the husband to fill those needs. That does not mean to imply it is easy. There are resources available to the

Christian that are not available to everyone, simply because they are not willing or able to look into those resources. It is, I believe, true that Jesus is the answer to all our needs and questions. It is equally true, that it is the husband who represents Jesus in the relationship. Just as Jesus is the head of the Church, so, too, is the husband the head of the marital relationship. As such, it falls to the man to exercise “tough love” when the situation requires it. This is the main area in which I have difficulties, which is also the reason I feel the need to mention and discuss this issue. Many—and my wife is one—do not have the ability to take direction, criticism, or disagreement, well. Since my wife does not take correction or criticism well, I tend to try to protect her from the discomfort that would come from those actions. As a result, I find myself in situations where I have to, diplomatically, nudge her in the directions I feel we need to be aiming for in order to get results. Since I am, by nature, an enabler, this is an issue I have to work on, because

I will, in all likelihood, never be good at it. My only solution is to continue to “love

142 unconditionally.” That does, even in the most difficult times, end up overcoming all the obstacles. It also makes me appreciate, just that much more, how profound the result of the God given formula is.

If my wife has issues, real or perceived, that cause her distress, insecurity, anger, mistrust, helplessness–the list goes on and on–there needs to be a point where I, as the husband, can take a firm and confident stand, rather than to act as an enabler and watching them suffer from conditions, which can be resolved by a strong and loving position. The examples would be multitudinous. If a wife is suffering from delusions of grandeur, it is the husband’s responsibility to help her get her feet back on the ground, If

She is suffering from jealousy, it falls to the husband to provide the direction that would allow her to see her own merits and the confidence she should have in herself. If she is suffering from dependency on drugs or alcohol, it is the husband’s responsibility to provide the strength, direction, limitations, prayer, or anything else that will bring her back to a position of control and honor. If she is allowing herself to be diverted in emotional or psychological directions that are harmful to herself or her family, the husband should be able to, once again, show strength and provide the direction and perhaps limitations that would help her deal with and overcome such issues (it is understood there are psychological illnesses, which don’t fall into that category, such as schizophrenia, manic depression, etc. Never substitute yourself for a trained professional when it comes to conditions that must be treated by doctors),

143 For the husband to take the position that he must always console the wife or make excuses for whatever insecurity she might have is simply taking the path of least resistance. It is far easier to say, “Well, you have to understand, she has this problem or condition.” Or to say, “Sure it would be nice for her to get over whatever is bothering her, but it is hard. You couldn’t do it either, if you were in her position.” Excuses or justification are never beneficial for the one who is suffering. It allows the condition to become a burden for all those close to the situation.

I have already stated I believe Jesus to be the answer or solution for virtually all problems. If one asks, “What would Jesus do in this situation?” The answer should not be, “Well, I am not Jesus,” or, “I can’t do what Jesus can.” The answer is, “Help me to be like Jesus.” Whether we can be perfect in our ability to emulate or not, is not the point. The point is that there is one who has provided us with an example and we can do our best to follow it rather than excusing our actions. We find it so much easier to find fault in others or even place blame on others for our situations. “She can’t help it; she had this or that situation to deal with when she was young. You just don’t understand!”

It is no more my place to understand than it is the husband’s place to help or allow the wife to hide or retreat into some kind of imaginary place of refuge. Giving in to the

“gentler” side of love is, in fact, often the cause of whatever condition one is dealing with to grow into much more of a problem, over time. It can even cause family friendships or family relations to become strained and possibly severed.

144 At the risk of repeating myself, it is understood that the helping hand can come from either side. Husbands are not immune to the problems that plague society. The wives are often the stronger in character than the husband. That means, if the situation is such that the husband has the problem, it falls to the wife to serve the same function and service I have described for the husband, above. Again, I am writing this book to reinforce the assertion Paul wrote about in Ephesians. It does not place the husbands in a position of being more important. The husband and wife are, without exception, equals, and should never get caught in the notion that either role is more significant or more important than the other.

I have often heard the argument that, because it is said in the same scripture, “Wives honor your husbands...” or again that wives or women are, “the weaker vessels...”, that the men can virtually lord it over the women. The premise of this book is just the opposite. The total, unconditional, selfless, love we are commanded to give to our wives makes us leaders by example, not by force. If we are willing, as was Christ for the church, to give even our lives for the wife, how can we assume that such sacrifice or selflessness can justify tyranny or overlord-ship? It is only after we have proven the total unconditional nature of our love for our wives that the wife has any kind of compulsion or response to honor her husband.

A true man does not need to act the role of the conqueror or the powerful, brave, head of the wife. A true man does not have difficulty in humbling himself by being unconditional. A true man can overcome the pride that allows him to worry about,

145 “What will my friends say (...If I don’t take charge...if I don’t put her in her place...if I let her treat me like a doormat?)?” A true man can put all that aside and say, “What is best for my wife?”

While I do not want to denigrate or minimize the role of the husband as the head of the wife, the provider, the protector, etc., I want to make it clear those things are the result of being the loving husband God wants us to be. It is not those things that make us loving husbands. The times in a man’s relationship with his wife that are overshadowed by the feeling the woman should be grateful for those things the man provides are the times the relationship is most beset by conflict, unhappiness, unfulfilled expectations.

146 CHAPTER 13

BEING THE FATHER OF YOUR WIFE’S CHILDREN

Fatherhood is a Privilege, Not a Punishment.

The role of being a husband following the formula of being an unconditional lover does not end with loving one’s wife. I know the bulk of this book has been dealing with trying to show you the merits of loving your wife, unconditionally. The concept, as easy as it sounds, tends to be extremely difficult to implement. Oh, sure, it is easy to think you love your wife. It is even easy to tell her you love her. It is far more difficult, as we have seen, to actually love her with absolutely no expectation of anything in return.

That is the love is a servant, rather than a master. As difficult as this has all proven to be, there is another issue the husband needs to be able to meet up to.

The natural progression of a loving relationship between a man and a woman results, most of the time, in children. Just listening to comments regarding children, and reading the volumes of texts written on the subject, reveals an almost innate recognition of a child’s intrinsic value. Although there seems to be a disconnect, in today’s social environment, between one’s right to have an abortion, thereby ignoring any implicit rights the children might have to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; the almost absurd level of rights imputed to children lucky enough to actually make past the womb is a dichotomy. Those who feel that children need to be a protected resource cannot be put down. It is the unreasonable granting children freedoms in opposition to granting

147 “unwanted” children life they are not prepared, mentally, emotionally, or physically, to deal with, that is of concern.

The children we are given the privilege of raising are the greatest blessing one can have– next to salvation as number 1 and our spouse as number 2–and one of the most profound responsibilities we are entrusted with. Just as we men are charged with loving our wives unconditionally, so too are we to love our children unconditionally. That means it is not just a “feel good” proposition. Just as loving one’s wife includes providing for her needs, so too is it of utmost importance for the husband/father to provide for the needs of the children, which are diverse and, at times, overwhelming.

The children, who have resulted from the natural course of a loving relationship, are an extension of the wife, with regard to how the husband loves the wife. In our “me” and material oriented society, children have increasingly become the victims of the side effects of that orientation. They are often, on the one hand, given many freedoms and material things to placate them and keep them “out of the way,” and, on the other hand, not given the attention and love they need to become productive, responsible, well adjusted, adults. Loving the children often means not allowing them to do certain things and administering discipline and punishment for disobedience.

Already, I can sense the negative response from many of you readers. “Discipline, punishment, and disobedience,” all sound too authoritarian. How can you say you love your child, if you punish him? That’s what they do to criminals. Of course, that is

148 exactly what they do to criminals. The purpose, you see, is to correct them and have them suffer the consequences of their actions. If someone does not suffer the consequences, what would deter them from doing the same thing, or even worse, again?

The same is true for children. The consequence of a child touching something hot is for them to suffer a burn. They know it is not a good idea to do it again. Too much sun and one suffers sunburn. Too much food and one suffers stomachache or, in extreme cases, obesity. This sense of discipline should never escalate into anger, or violence.

Consequences can be good as well as bad. The consequence of being thrifty is financial well-being. The consequence of exercise is good health. There are obviously many examples for both types of consequences. The point is, as parents we have the great privilege and the responsibility of directing the development of our children. That enormous burden includes the occasional use of “punishment” as a consequence of disobedience, rebellion, and mischief. One cannot, if direction is not given, expect a child to make the right choices and do what is right in important situations. It is the wisdom of experience, acquired over a lifetime of receiving direction and instruction, making mistakes and suffering the consequences, which conveys to us parents the ability to direct the development of our children. We would not expect a child to have to develop the scientific knowledge and mechanical abilities on its own to, for instance, make a car. That would be absurd. Why, then, would we expect a child to have to learn how to make wise decisions without having the benefit of the parents who have most likely already learned those bits of wisdom, whether from experience of from others?

149 It is the willingness of a man to love unconditionally that gives him the ability and conviction to place the result of that role above the personal pain or discomfort of being the punisher or enforcer. This willingness is just an extension of a man’s commitment to love his wife. A child who knows, without a doubt, his or her father loves his or her mother, is a child who is well adjusted and content. A mother who knows without a doubt her husband loves her child is secure and happy. Those two conditions are inexorably linked to one another.

The Scriptures say, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,” and, “Be slow to anger.”

It is so easy to let some little annoyance turn into a harsh or unfriendly word, which escalates into a grudge; sometimes long term, sometimes short term. Either way, anger creates an environment that is not conducive to Love. Knowing this, how can we dispense discipline in anger, send the kids to bed, and expect that to be a teaching and rewarding experience? While it is clear and highly instructive for a child to know something it did made you angry–and they cannot know that without experiencing your anger–it is equally clear one should never discipline in anger.

Regardless of the cause or reason for the harsh words (and by harsh I mean cruel, abusive, expletives, etc), there is no real excuse for them. I know from experience, there are times when you might not even be aware you are saying something in a way that can be construed as harsh or unfriendly. Recently, I was guilty of that, myself. My wife and

I had been driving for over twelve hours in an attempt to reach a destination before dark.

Without knowing it or being aware of it, I guess I had become grumpy. My wife was

150 making comments, which I considered to be very negative. I was already tired and did not want to become involved in a negative, critical discussion. Actually, in retrospect, I believe I didn’t want to be drawn into any conversation that required a lot of thought. I found myself responding in what was most accurately described as an unnecessarily unfriendly manner. Not only was that not the right way to respond, but my wife did most certainly not deserve that tone of voice or that kind of treatment. She had just endured the same tiring twelve hours of driving I had.

Unconditional love means one has to take the time to think about what is being said and, if there is any malice in it at all, to either not say it or revise it to be tempered by love.

In the case cited, my wife and I both suffered the consequences of my thoughtlessness for several days after that. Although I realized quite quickly I had acted unwisely and certainly not unconditionally in love, it was too late to take it back.

It is important for us to remember, our love is to be absolutely unconditional. That means I not only should not be expecting certain responses from her, I know I should also not have my own expectations from her, which would ostensibly make it so I don’t have to respond in anger. If the one you love says or does something you have no patience or understanding for, you need to take a step back and realize your expectation has nothing to do with reality. What does have something to do with it is how you respond. That response should always be one of love, understanding, and tolerance. I know that sounds like a tall order, but believe me, she is worth it. I just have to keep referring back to the enormous joy a husband and wife can experience if unconditional

151 love is your commitment. When God says a husband and wife become one flesh, believe me, He is not just talking about the physical union we experience. The sharing of our spirit, emotions, and personalities are just as important. Not just in terms of value, but in terms of being united in the most fulfilling ways possible. It is not just the ability for us to say, “Man, that was great love making,” but, more importantly, “Man, what a great love!”

When God says “a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave onto his wife...,” he also means it is time for the man to recognize the wife as the number one priority, aside from God. A committed husband can’t let his or his wife’s mother come between him and his wife. That takes on a lot of connotations, but the primary one is making sure he is always there to defend his wife against the manipulations and intrusions of his mother and to remain vigilant in order to not be goaded (intentionally or otherwise) into negative reactions by her mother..(Ask me how I know that).

The saying, “A son is a son, ‘til he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life,” is right in many respects. A man is genetically and hormonally prepared to become the provider, protector, lover, and head of a family. The object of all those facets would, naturally, not be his mother. His focus becomes the woman that has come to occupy all his waking thoughts. In fact, if the woman he had devoted his attentions to does not feel she is the object of all those attributes, she has little reason to give any indications he might be the “one.” The woman, on the other hand, will always look to her mother for counsel and guidance in all the different areas women need to excel in to

152 be fulfilled. Being wholly dedicated to his wife and her needs, it is clear they will both, the husband and the wife, gravitate more toward her family than his.

In conclusion to this theme, please let it be understood the unconditional love for your children—the children of your wife—should never become a wedge between you and your wife. The concern and care you give your children can never be more than the care and concern for your wife. Next to our love for God, our love for our wives is many levels higher and more important than even our love for our children. While that should never result in disregard for the children, it should also never result in elevating them above your love and concern for your wife.

This can be very difficult, because we can easily let our hearts be affected by the frailties or innocence of the children, but you have to understand, it is the love for your wife, the mother of your children, which gives the children the greatest degree of security and love.

153 CHAPTER 14

WHO SHOULD PROVIDE FOR THE FAMILY?

It is Not The Government!

I suspect this is a subject one would not normally associate with a husband loving his wife unconditionally. It has become very apparent, over the last few decades, that responsible, assertive, provision for one’s family has become less than the number one priority in a relationship. In fact, I have seen a frightening increase of the entitlement attitude growing in the relationships.

If we are not expecting the government to provide for us, we are blaming others for our inability to provide. It can obviously be difficult to apply Godly principles of providing for our families if we were not taught, early on, the importance of responsibility and hard work. “But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” 1 Timothy 5:8 (KJV).

There are many other references, in the Bible, regarding nurturing and providing for those you love, but none is quite so direct as that one.

Security is extremely high on the list of needs for a wife. It could be argued security is high on the list of everyone, but it is, I believe, quite clear only a very recent concept that a woman might be the one to provide security for a couple or family. Although there is no question men are physically more likely to be the stronger in the relationship, modern modes of self-defense along with the psychological indoctrination we get from films in which women are portrayed as the defenders, aggressors, and even the villain, make it

154 difficult for women in today’s world to be comfortable in the role of the one being protected. The same is true for economic security. More and more women are aspiring to climb the corporate ladder, which leaves little room for the kind of relationship this book is all about. There are obviously many who are comfortable, at least in concept or on the surface, with the erasure of the line of demarcation that had prevailed pretty much throughout history.

It is equally clear that women can train themselves physically to levels the average man never achieves. It is also clear women can have the same quotient for business, engineering, military strategy, or whatever they choose to accomplish. As mentioned earlier, in chapter 2, there is no question most women can perform as well as most men and perhaps even superior to most if that is their goal. There is no question about their equality with regard to challenges they take on, often including even things that require strength. To assume, because of that knowledge, it is okay to reverse the roles or to accept that, as justification for sitting back and relying on your spouse to support you, is simply not a concept I can find justification for, in Scripture.

At the same time, I can’t comfortably tell a couple, if the woman has the greater potential for earning an income, that they should ignore it and make the man the sole support of a family at the expense of a comfortable life. What I can say is, there is no person more qualified, in any way measurable with regard to Biblical and family standards, than the woman when it comes to nurturing and caring for children. There is also no one more qualified, intellectually, psychologically, and physically, than the a man when it comes to

155 working to protect, provide for, and act as an anchor in a turbulent world. While there is no shame in a woman climbing the corporate ladder in the man made world of big business, government, and technology, the most important role in the world and in the lives of any family, is the role of wife, mother, and eventually grandmother.

Although there have been many heroines throughout history, the need for boys and young men to have a “hero” father cannot be given enough importance. For a father to be a true hero and example for a young boy to emulate requires no more than just providing diligently for the family, conveying a feeling of security because daddy is there when things get frightening, uninterrupted and unconditional love for the children, and probably the most reassuring action that most makes daddy into a hero is the unconditional love and support for the mother.

Without regret or equivocation, I can admit to times when my own fulfillment of that role was laden with challenges and failures. In the early 80’s—the time of the double digit interest rates and raging inflation—we were inadvertently put into a position of having to declare bankruptcy, loosing our house to foreclosure, and living in a combination of a travel trailer and an unfinished two car garage for a period of six or seven years.

Although I can’t emphasize enough how God bestowed His blessings on us, during those tough economic times (fodder for another book), I can’t tell you how often I was faced with the thought of failure based on 1 Timothy 5:8. Not only was I unsuccessful in generating enough income to provide for our daily needs; I was also getting older and less employable. It was not a good situation. For the purpose of this book, suffice it to

156 say God not only provided for us, during that time, but also glorified himself in the abundance of that provision. It brought me to awareness that God didn’t care what I did, as a line of work, as long as it was moral and legitimate. All He cared about was that I put him first. He brought us through that tough time and has never failed to provide for us as long as I was not lazy and was willing to do whatever I needed to do—regardless of likes or dislikes—to provide for my family. God rewarded that trust in Him and the eventual level of humility he brought us to, and continues to do so, to this day.

To recap, I understand everyone has a different level of skills and abilities, not to mention work ethic. It is our willingness to do whatever comes along, regardless of what it might be or how much we like it, and do it with joy, because it is God’s gift of provision, that becomes the most important attribute regarding this subject. We are not too “good” to do whatever kind of work presents itself. It may not even provide the kind of income stream we expect or want, but the very willingness to do whatever it might be is the key or beginning step on the path to success.

157 CHAPTER 15

IS THERE HOPE?

No Matter How Hard We Try, We Are Still Human

So often, I hear someone say, “Well, it is no wonder he divorced her, she was having an affair.” Or “He was justified in leaving her, she was impossible to deal with.” It is absolutely amazing how easy we try to make things for ourselves, while only making them worse or more difficult in the process. In a relatively recent real life incident, a grandmother was not slow in pronouncing guilt on her grandson’s, ex-wife. She say’s she (the wife) either expected too much from him, didn’t have enough understanding for him and his problems, or had ulterior motives for marrying him. Of course, none of those excuses have anything to do with what really happened.

We will call the grandson Mike. Since I know Mike well, I am the first to admit, Mike had some real strikes against him in his life. His mother left him and his siblings with his father, early in life. His father, a very nice, honorable, and responsible man, was at a loss with regard to how one treats children. A few years later, Mike’s mother managed to get the father to agree to have the siblings visit her in the new state and environment she had moved to. After keeping them for a few weeks, she–the mother–opted to keep the daughter (Mike’s sister) and sent the two boys back to their father. Not only had he been abandoned once, he had been rejected and abandoned, along with his brother, a second time. That would obviously not be too conducive to developing a good self- esteem.

158 To compensate for the perceived lack of value, in this life, Mike and his brother took to doing drugs. They hung out with the wrong people and had difficulty developing a reasonable work ethic. By the time he met the woman he would end up marrying, he was, in spite of his pleasant nature and good looks, pretty unsure of himself. It was his lack of self-esteem that pointed him toward a woman who was matronly and confident.

He was already nearing forty when he finally married. Shortly after marrying, he had an automobile accident, while driving a company car, which laid him up for quite a few months. He was on some very strong pain medication, which was not good for someone who already had a propensity to escape responsibility and life in general.

Mike really wanted to be a good husband. In that vein, he tried many things, which he hoped would elicit the desired responses from his wife. He was often too drugged or in too much pain to be focused on anything but his own needs. Still he did try. I tell you all this for one reason. Had Mike heeded the instruction, “Husbands, love your wives, the way Christ loved the Church and died for it,” he would still be married, today.

Every time I would confront him about the expected unconditional nature of the love a husband is to have for his wife, he would invariably respond with, “I do that, but she won’t do this, or do that, or give me this, or love me the way I love her.”

You see, Mike needed to have something in return for what he did for his wife. I just couldn’t make him see that what he expected from his wife would only come–freely–if he would not expect it. Now, he is once again alone and disgruntled. The reward for his conditional love is loneliness and unhappiness.

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That is what I hope, at the very minimum, this book is able to convey. The happiness that comes from truly being able to love unconditionally is immeasurable. The love that inspires poetry or embarrassingly overt displays is often just conditional love that says,

“I will make a fool of myself just so you will see how much I love you and you will love me just as much in return.” The love that is truly unconditional, is the love that endures; that meets the conflicts and hardships inevitable in a relationship head on, and comes out victorious, regardless of the cost. It is the love that can cause a 92-year-old man to say,

“This, my wife of 68 years, is still the most beautiful woman in the world.” It is the love that does not look back and say, “It is too bad I never had this or that in life.” Instead it can look back and see only the good and fulfilling things in life.

Please do not think that means you cannot see the flaws or the defects in the person you choose to love. Rather, you see through the flaws and defects to recognize only the good, the happiness, and the value, of the person you have embraced in your heart of hearts. My wife of forty-one years is more beautiful to me, today, than she was when we met. Not because her physical beauty has improved–that would be contrary to nature. Rather it is because she is the reflection of everything I have come to see in her, the object of the love I have chosen to wrap my whole heart around.

Still, today, there are times when my own selfish nature is aroused by things I think I don’t deserve from her. Nevertheless, even after so many years with her, I experience the even greater highs when we clear the air and, more importantly, I recognize I have

160 once again allowed my expectation of conditions to cloud my recognition of what I have. Every time I manage to overcome my selfish nature, and I do mean every time, I end up basking in the glow of the love my wife has for me, not because I expect it, but because I don’t expect it.

I grow so tired of hearing the sympathetic words directed at those men who feel sympathy for themselves. I am speaking of those men who expected something else from their relationship. They expected to have a Mercedes on a Hyundai budget. They were and are not willing to commit themselves, regardless of the perceived cost, to a relationship for which they cannot see the outcome. If they can’t see the love from their spouse, whether in the form of attention, devotion, glandular fulfillment, visual stimulation, or any of many other expectations, they are not willing to commit themselves to that person. It is as though they expect to respond to the wife’s love instead of being the leader and loving her regardless of what the perception or response is.

Never any clearer have I seen the portrayal of this message than in the movie “Firewall.”

In that movie, a married couple that had grown tired of waiting, each for the other, to show some kind of acceptance, affection, and recognition. It was in the implementation of the principals of unconditional love, that the husband first resented the experiment, then grew to regret his mistake in not having been so loving before, then grew to love without pretext, beyond the scope of the experiment.

161 It is that recognition and the experience I have had with my own wife that has caused me to want to write this book. It is the love I see in her eyes, the honor she bestows on me by her faith in me, the service she unselfishly gives to me to take care of my daily needs, and the terms of endearment she lovingly sends my way, which make me want to share the experience and the reasons for the experiences with others. Do I still have times when I think Oh, God, it seems no matter how I try to conform and fulfill the roll you have given me, this formula falls short. It just doesn’t work? Of course I do. Every time I start feeling like that, when I sit down and start looking at what is going on (and sometimes that doesn’t happen until I have wreaked havoc in the relationship), I can see that I have been expecting something from my wife.

162 CHAPTER 16

IS IT TOO LATE?

It Is Never Too Late

I don’t think there is a day that goes by in which I don’t see someone who is either going through a divorce or has recently divorced. When they mention they are in one situation or the other, the manner in which they treat the subject is varied. Some of them treat it cavalier. Others use humor and try to make light of the situation. Some show anger and bitterness. Still others seem to be truly sad about the situation.

I generally ask the question, “Is there any hope you can get back together?” The response to that question ranges from surprise to anger to a wistful demeanor, to a downright display of hatred toward the spouse. As I mentioned at the beginning of this book, my lack of experience with divorce could perhaps disqualify me from even addressing this topic. It is, however, the forty plus years I have been with my wife; the volatility experienced because of the strong wills involved; the overcoming of huge obstacles (especially my pride), any of which could have spelled the demise of our marriage had we let it, which gives me the conviction of my position on divorce and the belief those relationships can be reversed.

Clearly, there are some situations where victims of divorce (and I use the word victim intentionally) have no further hope. If a woman has left the marriage and has remarried, it would only make things worse to try to reclaim the relationship. If there is no spiritual understanding of what forgiveness is about, in other words, no relationship with Christ,

163 it is perhaps impossible (or at least extremely unlikely) that the divorcees recover what they had or could have had (although I still believe unconditional love would conquer even that hurdle). I don’t like calling the separated parties “ex” husband or wife. “Ex” implies a deletion or removal of what was there. The fact is, “What God has joined together...,” is as valid following a man-made dissolution as it was when it was formed the day they were joined by God. It is perhaps for that reason many young people are choosing to write their own wedding vows. I know it sounds cute and perhaps even romantic to hear the poetic and sometimes nonsensical promises or scenarios, but the idea of leaving out the “‘til death do us part” just seems to make the whole ceremony a farce. That, of course, is the point. If it was a farce, it is so much easier to “void” if things don’t go the way the two have envisioned it. Suffice it to say; what was intended for marriage was permanence. Although a couple may decide to go their separate ways, what they had–being united in “holy” matrimony–can never truly be undone.

It is pretty apparent that the volatility that ensues, once the decision has been made, is more of a way of showing each other and the world how justified one was in choosing freedom from that relationship. If it were an intelligent and rational decision on the part of both parties, it would be a logical progression unencumbered by emotion. It is so sad to see two individuals who had so openly given their love and dedicated themselves to one another tearing each other’s hearts out.

I have watched husbands and wives get divorces, going through all the pain and battling, only to end up marrying someone else who was very much like the person they

164 divorced. It seems so illogical when I hear a man or woman describe the reasons their sometimes several marriages didn’t work. It is virtually always the fault of the other partner. I don’t ever hear them say, “Oh he/she was just so wonderful and I loved him/her so much. We just decided it wouldn’t work, so we divorced.” It is because of the things the other party did or said or didn’t do, that are to blame for the divorce. After all, I am so easy to get along with and am such a nice person. It couldn’t have been my fault!

What I want every man to understand is, what God instructed us as men to do, works.

That is what I consider the hope for those who have made the decision to terminate the relationship. If you are either in a heated divorce or have had a divorce, please understand it is not too late (with the exceptions mentioned above). It is not easy. It does not happen over night. There will be a credibility gap for a while, but IF YOU

ARE SINCERE, it is possible to win back that prize. It is called “Husbands, love your wives!” That means absolute unconditional love. You do not have the right to expect any kind of response to that love. In fact, as I explained several times already in this book, expecting anything in return, ANYTHING, will invariably destroy what you are doing.

While there are no guarantees in life, I am absolutely certain a woman who is being loved unconditionally cannot help but eventually respond in a favorable way. You may not have the heart or the desire or the conviction to make the efforts needed to heal the hurts that have been experienced. You may even harbor feelings of resentment because

165 of things she did, that you don’t think you deserved. My personal feeling is, if we got what we deserved we would indeed be unhappy. It is critical that your decision to love your wife be absolutely sincere and not dependent on anything she says or does. In fact, it needs to be freely given, often in spite of things she says or does.

It will not be easy for either of you. Without your full and unconditional belief in what you are doing, it will probably be impossible. You will need to understand, whatever hurts and memories she might have of the ways you treated or didn’t treat her, need to be erased by a liberal dose of love. Do not get impatient. Don’t smother her. If she continues to want to be away from you, you have to let her and love her anyway. Do kind, romantic, things for her. If you can do it without letting her know it is you doing it, so much the better. If she asks you, don’t lie about it, but don’t turn it into a, “See how much I still love you,” speech.

Let her know you have seen how badly you have behaved or how you have fallen short

(since all men are selfish, egotistical, in so many ways, except for the help of our Lord and Savior, that will be the truth). You must be able to convey to her, through your actions and words, offered in those moments when the opportunity presents itself, you have chosen to love her and cherish her for the rest of your life, even if she chooses to stay apart. Again, you have to absolutely believe this, because she will be able to see through manipulation. She also needs to know you recognize your shortcomings and, though you can’t promise you will never fall short on your commitment to love her unconditionally, you will spend the rest of your life trying to perfect that commitment.

166 I can already see a lot of heads hung low, out there. This instruction is difficult enough if it is put into effect in a marriage that has not experienced a divorce. It will be so much more difficult in a marriage that has had bear that burden. You will find yourself resenting her for the lack of success. Just remember, that resentment is another word for expectation. Expectations and unconditional are polar opposites. You will never have true success if you have expectations, conditions, or look for results from your actions.

Like I said, before, it took me twenty-seven years to learn that my wife’s mood or attitude was only a reflection of my own. I would that I could always be in a good mood and have a good attitude. I am, however, only a man. I have all the flaws and character defects that come with being raised a sinner in a race of people who deny the ways of a loving God. If Jesus could die for my transgressions, who am I that I cannot set aside my own selfish nature for the woman I have chosen as my partner in this short span of time we have on the planet. I can, unequivocally say my happiness is insured in my total dedication to the happiness of the woman God has given me.

While I believe God provided the woman and the opportunity to meet the woman I have chosen, I equally believe if it had been someone else with whom God had presented me that opportunity, the principal would work equally well. It is not who you love. It is how you choose to love. The perfect match is made only in perfect implementation.

Take the time to recognize the times you have experienced unexplained happiness with your spouse. It was not the result of hormones, or money, or vacations, or parties. If

167 you really take the time to look at the reasons behind those happy experiences, it would invariably be because your spouse had responded to your unconditional love.

If this book helps even just one couple to experience the great degree of happiness I have been blessed with, it will have been all worthwhile. Second only to the euphoria one experiences upon becoming saved by the blood of Jesus–being born again–is the euphoria a man and a woman experience in becoming one flesh in the most Christian sense of the word.

I pray, if you have taken the time to read this far in the book, that you will not only recognize the value of the information contained herein, but that you will also have been able to find the measuring stick by which you can determine whether you are loving your wife unconditionally or if you still have expectations of your spouse. It is those expectations which can and will destroy your relationship.

168 POSTSCRIPT

It may not come as too much of a surprise, to many of you, that the writing of this book has had some profound implications in my life and especially my relationship with my wife. It has caused me to look at my marriage and my responsibilities in the marriage through the proverbial microscope. It has also helped me to recognize areas in which I have had success and other areas where I have needed to improve.

The more I document what it is I am trying to accomplish, with the understanding of what God expects of me as the husband, the more I see not just the areas where I can improve, but also the other areas I need to address. I realize this journey I am taking, with my best friend and loving nurturer, is more than just a series of events. It is the flow of life that reveals the degree to which I contribute without reservation.

Just as a river flows greater and greater as it continues down the slopes and is joined by smaller tributaries, so too my life with my wife becomes more substantial with the joining of every tributary of experience. Some of those tributaries are contributing pollution, for which I am responsible to clean up and preserve the quality of the flow.

Others are contributing a wealth of benefits that improve the quality of the flow and the content of that flow.

One never knows how much time God has granted us to live. Although He knows the time of our demise, it is our responsibility to make sure we have, as Paul put it, fought

169 the good fight or run the good race. When life does come to its inevitable end, are we going to be able to rest assured we have done everything possible to leave behind a wife who never has to doubt how much she was loved? Will our wives wonder why they had to endure a life of uncertainty or lack of worthiness? I suppose there are those who, in spite of their claims to be Christian, can’t help but wonder if there really is a God or an afterlife in Heaven. If so, it is the very lack of complete dedication to God and recognition of what He has accomplished in our lives that allows those doubts. If that is true, it is our shortcoming, not His. The unconditional gift of his Son to pay the price of our transgressions should be more than enough to make his love for us clear. In the case of a wife who wonders about her value to her husband, it is the husband’s fault he has not provided evidence, equal in impact to God’s sacrifice, to assure her of her place in his heart.

If I have learned anything from the writing of this book, it is that we, as husbands, need to reflect on our relationships at times. If we take the time to write down, in a journal or diary, what we see in our relationships and what we are doing to try to be better husbands to meet God’s commandment to love our wives, it will be far easier to address the areas in which we are falling short. Not only that, it will help us to recognize and appreciate what we have accomplished. Next to trying to please God, there should be no greater goal in our lives than trying to please our wives. Not because it is required of us, but because it is the perfect means of making both spouses happy, beyond your imaginings.

170 I can honestly say, because of this literary odyssey, I have been on, I have not only learned to appreciate more the efficacy of the choice to love my wife, but have learned to appreciate even more the degree of happiness God has granted me as a result of concentrating on and committing to loving my wife.

May your experience in the choice you make to love your wife, be pleasant and rewarding to you both.

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