HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES! An Imperfect Servant’s Views on Marital Happiness. Is There A Formula For A Successful Marriage? Copyright © 2010 By: Norman Wolfer… . Married Dedication...................................................................................................... 4 Introduction ................................................................................................... 5 Chapter 1, INSANITY................................................................................... 19 Recognize It Before It Is Almost Impossible To Overcome Chapter 2, FRIENDS FOR LIFE.................................................................... 33 This One’s For Keeps Chapter 3, CAN’T BUY ME LOVE.............................................................. 45 More Than Just a Jingle Chapter 4, CAN WE EXPECT CONTINUAL JOY AND HAPPINESS? ... 56 Happiness is Not a Result of Possessions Chapter 5, THE DEATH OF CHIVALRY................................................... 66 Saying “I Love You” Is Not a Sign of Weakness Chapter 6, CAN WE TALK?........................................................................ 78 The Art And Importance Of Communication Chapter 7, D0 YOU REALLY NEED HER?................................................ 96 Why We Need To Love Chapter 8, IS “MID-LIFE CRISIS” AN OPTION?....................................... 110 Its not age that is at issue! Chapters 9, CAPTURE THE DREAM........................................................... 118 The Dream Is Within Your Reach Chapter 10, A NEW PURPOSE..................................................................... 125 A better Battle Plan Chapter 11, WHO’S ROLE IS IT ANYWAY?.............................................. 133 Is This Concept Gender Specific? Chapter 12, IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE COWARDLY?........................... 139 Retreat is often the most aggressive offense! Chapter 13, BEING THE FATHER OF YOUR WIFE’S CHILDREN........... 147 Fatherhood is a Privilege, Not a Punishment Chapter 14, WHO SHOULD PROVIDE FOR THE FAMILY?…………….. 154 It is Not The Government! 2 Chapter 15, IS THERE HOPE?........................................................................ 158 No Matter How Hard We Try, We Are Still Human Chapter 16, IS IT TOO LATE?……………………………………………… 163 It Is Never Too Late Post Script……………………………………………………………………. 169 3 DEDICATION This book is dedicated to the dear woman God gave me, who has stuck with me–through thick and thin–over the past forty years. She is and has been my best friend, confidant, advocate, and my inspiration. It is the light in her eyes and the brilliance of her smile that rewards my every effort to honor my commitment to her. The phrase, “It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all,” is epitomized in her, because, should I lose her today, my life has already been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. The benefits I enjoy in loving her and committing my life to her are far greater than the reaping of any conditions I may ever have placed on my love for her. It is with full knowledge of what joy I have in loving her, unconditionally, that I can write on this subject with authority and conviction. May every day of her life be as blessed as she has made my life. May she live out the rest of her life with the unquestioned knowledge of the degree of love I have and always will have for her. 4 HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES! Introduction It was not easy to decide to write this book. First, there have been so many “self help” books addressing the issue of marital relations that it seems almost absurd and arrogant to write one more. Second, most of the existing books have been written by scholars, doctors, marriage counselors, sociologists, or psychologists of one degree or another. Since I have no special degree, which would convey the credibility for helping others in the area of marriage, whom do I think I am to write such a pretentious instruction? I then had to rethink that position. Marriage has become almost a cliché over the past decade or two. I have watched marriage decay in ways I would have thought impossible. It doesn’t seem to matter whether one is a person of faith or not. The incidence of divorce remains at high levels, even when one looks at those religious segments of society that don’t “believe” in divorce. The more recent movement to have marriage redefined to include members of the same sex (gender) has further eroded any historical or Biblical sanctity of marriage. It is now viewed more as a right, and even an equal rights issue, rather than a commitment. “Gays” want to capitalize on the concept of marriage, because of the rights of survivorship it conveys, along with the “family” title when visiting their significant other in the hospital. While it has been long argued, marriage is for the furtherance of procreation and the support of families, it is now evolving to merely a right of 5 survivorship or conveyance of collective and inheritance rights. The ambivalence, with which marriage is embraced, in today’s society, does little to either create an environment in which one feels the deep emotions attached to a marriage commitment or foster acceptance and respect for the institution of marriage by the children of our unions. In fact, the children of today are often the result of sexual relationships with persons who have not made a commitment to each other. The birth of children out of wedlock and the use of the term “single mom” or “single dad,” have been on the rise for some time, now. Not having made a commitment, by the way, does not just mean those who have not married. It includes those who do marry, but find their level of commitment falls short of what it would take to cement the relationship. With that knowledge, which “with eyes wide open” is self evident, I can’t help but feel responsible for my silence. I cannot, for instance, stand by and “watch my brothers go to slaughter” without believing myself to be guilty of that slaughter. Knowing what I do about cementing a relationship with my wife by putting her happiness and needs above my own, I would be incredibly insensitive to keep the success of that knowledge and experience to myself. Further, the other married couples who have experienced, much as we have, the success of a simple formula that I will expound on at length, coupled with the people close to me who have, for one reason or another, had difficulties overcoming the self imposed and natural obstacles one encounters in a marriage relationship, have fed my need to address these issues in ways that will hopefully provide a light at the end of the tunnel. 6 When I see the callous disregard a husband sometimes has for his wife and a wife for her husband, I can’t help but feel sorry for their plight. It is not an unusual predicament; rather it is all too common. One to two hundred years ago, it was more common to find men who, although likely to be referred to in today’s vernacular as chauvinists, were far more responsible, caring, and better providers for their wives than men are today. The concept of “equality” has been distorted to mean, “You have to do what I do in order to be equal.” That includes punching a time-clock, wearing similar clothing, sharing one another’s sexual freedoms, and much more. It is often difficult to watch a man’s pride get in the way of doing those things that put his wife first. It is equally difficult to watch the disrespect (often deserved disrespect in the eyes of today’s philosophically eroded society) and contempt a wife holds for her husband prevent her from “Honoring her husband.” I have chosen to write this book from a perspective of my personal experiences and events I can only quantify as subjective. That makes it almost autobiographical, in nature and, if that is disturbing to some, I apologize for that. The result of the experiences and observations that are recounted, in the book, are nonetheless appropriate and factual in nature. They are also profound in the results observed in the lives of others I know who have adhered to the simple principles of this book. The recounting of these experiences will, in large part, show the imperfections of my own applications of these principles. It is the successes that come from these experiential elements, rather than the failures on my part that lend the credibility to this concept. I am, after all, only an imperfect servant. 7 About 25 years ago, I was acquainted with a marriage therapist, who was well known and respected, both in our geographical area as well as in the professional arena of the community in which we lived and raised our kids. In his treatment of marital problems, he was quick to say, “I am not necessarily interested in trying to save the relationship between the husbands and wives I counsel, rather, I am interested in making sure they are happy when they complete their divorce. I want it to be a pleasant experience.” Although I put that in quotes, that is really more of a paraphrase. He, himself, was a “happy” success story of one who transitioned out of a marriage that didn’t work. It was, I think, important to note he was actually not happy (judging by many of his comments about his wife and his life) and his subsequent marriage was also on the rocks. He spent more time looking for acceptance in his job, for which he, in my personal opinion, was totally unqualified–in spite of his degrees–than in the relationship that could have brought him the greatest happiness. I thought, “If someone with so little to offer could pass himself off as a ‘therapist’ for those who needed help, could I not at least offer the reward of the teaching I hold to be the truth and a certain higher degree and percentage of success to those who really wanted help?” With that thought, I set out to put my personal and practical experience and the love I have known into a format that would hopefully make sense to those who are truly interested in the quality of marital bliss God has always had in store for those who take Him serious.