06 The award-winning student newspaper of Imperial College . 11

Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year . 09 Issue 1,443 ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk This week....

Noam Chomsky talks Middle East Facing the annual enemy: The grgreateat political philosopher talks to flu! Imperial PPS and London students, see page 6

Science, Page 13

Hush! A quiet affair at the Royal Albert Hall Nutt sacked Prof. David Nutt fired for criticising the Music, Page 20 government’s deaf ears, see pages 6 & 7 Japanese cinema suprise: Love Exposure Review

Film, Page 21

Eating out: Sake No Hana Riposte restaurant review CGCU and RCSU respond to the claims made against them in last week’s issue, see pages 4 & 5 Food, Page 27 2 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 News Editor Kadhim Shubber NEWS [email protected] Class of 2010 Councillors elected Afonso Campos reports on a new team to attend Council this year The world beyond

ast Friday saw the announce- College walls ment of the Central Union L election results. The newly elected students are now full members of Council. For those un- familiar with the concept, Council is the sovereign policy-making body for our Union; it is a place that tends to Afghanistan encourage democracy and civilised discussion (for the most part) on is- sues that affect students. The newly Hamid Karzai has been declared president of Afghanistan after officials elected members have as their duty to scrapped the second round of voting. represent the views of the student con- The second round, which was due to be held on November 7th, would have stituents of their Faculty and do so at seen Hamid Karzai pitted against his main rival, Abdullah Abdullah, but the monthly meetings. latter withdrew from the race earlier this week. The first round saw Mr Kar- According to an email sent out by zai come in with just under the 50% of the votes required to avoid a run-off, Mark Chamberlain, last year’s Medic whilst his opponent obtained just under a third of the votes. Hundreds of President and this year’s Council thousands of ballots were discounted because of fraud allegations during the Chair, the elections were not without marred elections. Indeed, Hamid Karzai lost a third of his votes between the hiccups. In said e-mail, an allusion was first and final counts. A day into his new five-year term, the President vowed made to the fact that there were indeed The new councillors will be joining Union President Ashley Brown and Council to battle corruption, and to lead an inclusive government. He also renewed Chair Mark Chamberlain. Pastel shirt and ICU lanyard compulsory his call for the Taliban fighters to put down their arms, but they quickly re- plied that they would continue their fight against the ‘puppet government’. Mr Karzai’s pledge to root out corruption from his own government will be Faculty of Graduate School issues that needed to be looked into meeting. closely watched by his American allies, as President Obama is considering Engineering of Engineering by saying that “complaints have been If you have any issues that you would sending 40,000 more troops to fight in the country. Undergraduate and Physical Sci- dealt with”. felix is unaware of what is- like to see raised in Council, you are Councillors ences Postgraduate sues there were. welcome to attend and make your Edward O Hare Councillors He-in Cheong RON As usual, there are some positions voice heard. The meetings are open to Apostolia Matraki that remain yet to be filled; six in total all members of Imperial College Un- Europe Rikki Norris Graduate School of this year. The Non-Faculty position, ion and everyone has a say. If you feel Life Sciences and oftentimes taken up by the current particularly strongly about an issue, Faculty of Medicine Postgrad- felix editor has not been filled either. you may also write a paper and see it A consortium of 12 Europe- Medicine uate Councillor It is understandable as this position debated and voted upon. It is suggest- an companies has launched Undergraduate RON is not open to a very great number of ed you approach one of your Faculty a sustainable energy initia- Councillors students. You can still stand for elec- councillors (list in the box on the left) tive to source European en- Richard Hewitt Non-Faculty tion in any of these empty Councillor and speak to them about your paper. ergy from the Sahara desert. Alexander Walls Councillor positions. Refer to the table on the left So you have an idea, in the past, Coun- The Desertec Industrial Initia- Agneish Dutta RON to see exactly what roles are still va- cil has discussed varied issues such as tive will start with a solar pow- cant. There is further information on the Beer Tax, the twinning of Imperial er project based in North Af- Faculty of International Council and the roles you can run for College Union with other universities rica which is expected to meet Natural Sciences Officer on http://www.imperialcollegeunion. in Gaza and as recently as this week, 15% of Europe’s energy needs Undergraduate Matthew Fitch org/representation. To stand, email the status of mitigating circumstances by 2050. It will require $400bn (£240) in investment, which will be provided Councillors the Council Chair your small mani- for students sitting exams. by companies including Deutsche Bank, Siemens, and E.On. The consortium Hannah Short Student Trustee festo as soon as possible, stating why Alternatively, you can just come will be based in Munich, where one of the initiative’s founders, Munich Re, Deep Shah you would make a good representative along and watch the evening’s antics. is based. Throughout North Africa and the Middle East, vast arrays of solar- and come along to the next Council It can be fun and there’s tea and coffee. thermal plants, which direct the sun’s light to heat water, will produce energy throughout the day (and night). The super-heated water will drive steam tur- 06 bines to generate electricity. A network of hi-tech cables which limit conduc- Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. tive loss will then transmit the electricity back to Europe across the Mediter-

Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Road, . ranean. Desertec has stressed that some of the power generated by the Sahara 11 Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. solar fields will also be used to power North African countries directly. Jigsaw font by typotheque.com. RIP Lepton. We loved you, we lost you. felix 1,443 .

Copyright © Felix 2009. 09 felix was brought to you by: South East Asia

Editor-in-Chief Deputy Editor Deputy Editor Copy Chief Dan Wan Kadhim Shubber Gilead Amit Sasha Nicoletti The Association of South-East Asian Nations (ASEAN) hosted a summit last week which also included some of the regions heavy-weights, China News Editor Business Editor Travel Editor Clubs and Socs Editor and Japan. Kadhim Shubber Sina Ataherian Dyldo Lowe Alex Kendall South-East Asian countries are either rapidly recovering from the recent economic crisis or have avoided it altogether. But the financial mess brought Medic News Editor International Editor Science Editors Sports Editors on by America has certainly succeeded in renewing talk of a free-trade zone Dina Ismail Raphael Houdmont Brigitte Atkins Mustapher Botchway that would link the world’s most dynamic economies. Japan’s Prime Minister Nathan Ley David Wilson Yukio Hatoyama has said that such a zone should have a single currency and Assistant Editor Film Editors Indy Leclercq ‘lead the world’. Over the past decade, ASEAN has made much progress in re- Jovan Nedić Zuzanna Blaszczak Nightlife Editor Copy Editors ducing tariffs, particularly on manufactured goods, but has so far avoided re- Eddy “The OH” Knock Charlotte Morris Arts Editors Rhys Davies forming trade regulation on farm imports. Intra-East Asian trade flows rose Layout Editor Caz Knight Matt Colvin to 42% of total trade in 2008, up from 32% in 1990, according to the Asian Carlos Karingal Technology Editor What’s On Editors Rosie Milton Sabrina Castiglione Development Bank (ADB), and there is scope for further improvement. Samuel Gibbs Rachel D’oliviero Lucy Harrold Lizzy Griffiths All this talk of economic rapprochement is nothing new, and to some ob- Ayyub Kamaludin Comment Editor Lily Topham servers seems to be nothing more than a distant vision. Indeed, political Joanna Cai Ravi Pall Fashion Editor Photography Neil Dhir disputes within the region are as hot as ever, particularly between Thailand, Kawai Wong Coffee Break Editor Ben Smith Tabitha Skinner where the summit took place, and neighbouring Cambodia. Politics Editors: Charles Murdoch Tom Roberts Jamie Beal The two countries’ armies have clashed several times over a disputed tem- James Goldsack Music Editors Alex Karapetian Richard Howard ple at the border. Katya-yani Vyas Kadhim Shubber Puzzles Commodores Stefan Zeeman James Lees Alex Ashford Sean Farres Games Editors Rox Middleton Phillip Murray Luke Turner Milli Begum Mike Cook Peter Evans By Raphael Houdmont, International Editor felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 3 [email protected] NEWS Drug Chief sacked by Home Secretary James Goldsack reports on Professor David Nutt’s departure and the future for Science and the Government

ast Friday, the UK’s chief drugs “disappointed” by Alan Johnson’s view neuroscience at Oxford University, Prof adviser was sacked by Home adding “whilst I accept that there is a Colin Blakemore, said that independent L Secretary Alan Johnson af- distinction between scientific advice advisors should be expected to voice ter criticizing government and government policy there is clearly concerns if their advice is rejected. policies. a degree of overlap. If scientists are “I worry that the dismissal of Prof David Nutt, Professor of Neuropsy- not allowed to engage in the debate it Nutt will discourage academic and chopharmacology at Imperial College undermines a major source of care- clinical experts from offering their and Chair of the Advisory Council on fully considered and evidence-based knowledge and time to help the gov- the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD), criti- advice.” ernment in the future,” he said. cised the decision to reclassify canna- Despite his sacking, Professor Nutt Earlier this week two other senior bis to Class B from C. stands by the evidence and his belief scientific members of the ACMD re- Public concern over the increase in that cannabis should not be a Class B signed. Marion Walker, clinical di- availability of skunk and the possible drug based upon its effects. rector of Berkshire Healthcare NHS links to mental illness led the ACMD He described his sacking as a “seri- Foundation Trust’s substance mis- to investigate the dangers of all forms ous challenge to the value of science in use service and member of the Royal of cannabis in 2007-08. relation to the government”. Pharmaceutical Society, and Dr Les The row over cannabis classification “I am disappointed because, to be King, part-time advisor to the Depart- flared up again last week as Prof Nutt honest, all I was trying to do was help. ment of Health and senior chemist used a lecture at King’s College, Lon- I wasn’t challenging the government,” on the ACMD both resigned over the don, to question the “artificial” separa- said the former chief drugs advisor. “It treatment of Prof Nutt. Dr King said, tion of alcohol and tobacco from illegal would be much simpler if they took “There is an extremely angry feeling drugs. that advice rather than getting tangled among most council members”. David Nutt said that according to the up I other sorts of messages which Other senior scientific advisors to scientific evidence, smoking cannabis frankly do confuse the public.” the Home Office are “horrified” by the created only a “relatively small risk” of Professor Nutt, a highly respected sacking of Prof Nutt and Mr Johnson psychotic illness. leading addiction expert said he was Professor David Nutt has been sacked as Chair of the ACMD for speaking out faces the prospect of “collective action” In a letter to Prof Nutt, Alan Johnson not prepared to “mislead” the public over the affair. The government’s chief wrote: “I cannot have public confusion about the effects of drugs to convey a scientific advisor, Professor John Bed- between scientific advice and policy “message” on behalf of the government tist should be removed for reporting having independent scientific advice if dington said, “the scientific evidence and have therefore lost confidence in instead of presenting the facts. sound scientific advice.” as soon as you get some advice that you [on cannabis effects and harm] is abso- your ability to advise me as chair of the Phil Willis MP, chairman of the sci- Shadow Home Secretary Chris Gray- don’t like, you sack the person who has lutely clear cut. I would agree with it.” ACMD. I would therefore ask you to ence and technology select commit- ling said Prof Nutt’s sacking was “inevi- given it to you?” Prof Nutt has claimed to have the fi- step down from the Council with im- tee, said he would write to the Home table” after his “latest ill-judged contri- According to Mr Huhne, the govern- nancial backing to set up a new coun- mediate effect.” Secretary to ask for clarification as to bution to the debate”. ment may as well have a “committee of cil to investigate drugs if the current “This is not about Prof Nutt’s views, why Prof David Nutt had been sacked However, Liberal Democrat Home tabloid newspaper editors to advise on ACMD disbands. As it stands, the which I respect though I don’t agree “at a time when independent scientific Affairs Spokesman Chris Huhne said drugs policy”. Council is contravening its statutory with them,” said Mr Johnson. advice to government is essential”. “It sacking the advisor was “disgraceful”. Former chief executive of the Medi- requirements, as there is no pharma- In his reply, Prof Nutt said he was is disturbing if an independent scien- He continued: “what is the point of cal Research Council and professor of cist on the board.

Governmental Science Ignorance Dismissed

JJamesames GoldsackGoldsack Politics Editor BBrigetterigette AAtkinstkins Science Editor

he sacking of that drugs are bad. Surely then who disagrees with Prof Nutt’s oliticians have a long social and political aspects. to class B largely due to pub- ACMD Chair Pro- every drug should be Class A. view on cannabis despite his ex- history of “cherry- However, dismissing a man lic concern but also because of fessor David Nutt This undermines the classifica- pertise and time spent studying picking” science. for expressing views which con- rise in the popularity of ‘skunk’. T is an outrage. Sci- tion system. the drug. P One of Winston flict with the body he advises ‘Skunk’ typically contains three entists must be The point of the classification Ann Widdecombe, writing in Churchill’s lesser is outrageous. Whether Nutt is times the amount of tetrahydro- independent and report the system is to inform the public the Guardian, claims that there known quotations that science right to claim that alcohol and cannabinol (THC) as cannabis facts honestly and without on how harmful substances are. is a united scientific view that should be “on tap but not on tobacco are more damaging resin in addition to a decreased repression. It should be a scale built upon “drugs are harmless”. This is top” is as prevalent today as in than LSD and ecstasy – and the concentration of cannabidiol Even before the ACMD had truth and evidence, not second- complete nonsense, drugs are post-war Britain. The sacking research would suggest he is – is (CBD) – thought by some to re- released its findings into canna- guessing and attempts to “warn” harmful but to differing degrees, of Professor Nutt shows the not so much the issue as the ex- duce the effects of THC and so bis, the government had decid- people of dangers that are not not all can be lumped in Class A. government dismissing scien- pectation on scientists to deliver make the drug less potent. ed to reclassify the drug to Class even there. The public need the truth, we tific recommendation in favour facts without opinion. The drugs classification sys- B. That was a ridiculous move, Jacqui Smith defended her should not be hidden from it by of acting on public pressure. In Nutt’s view that the govern- tem in Britain is very subjec- making the Council superflu- decision to ignore the ACMD’s politicians who want nothing doing so, they undermine the ment were giving mixed mes- tive and is heavily dominated by ous and undermining scientific recommendation for cannabis more than to be re-elected by value of science and are pun- sages about the harm of drugs public opinion. From a purely evidence. to remain a Class C substance the tabloid-reading electorate. ishing a man for exercising his to the public is one of the main medical stand point mush- Just like any other illness, drug by claiming that the debate has Alan Johnson has shown his freedom of speech. reasons Gordon Brown backed rooms, LSD and ecstasy should abuse should be a public health shifted due to the introduction true colours, disregarding scien- Perhaps where Professor Nutt the decision to sack the advisor all be graded as class B at the issue, not criminal. Harm re- of skunk. However, it is exactly tific and expert advise just as his overstepped the line with the – along with the opinion he was very most. Putting them in class duction is the most important this type of cannabis that the predecessor Jacqui Smith did. government is confusing ‘evi- acting irresponsibly by down- A with heroin and other strong objective, not criminalising the ACMD investigated and what Science is important for edu- dence’, which cannot be disput- playing the risks associated with opiates merely serves to mock vast number of people using il- prompted the report initially. cating the public and govern- ed with ‘advice’ which may be certain substances. Yet no one the whole classification system. legal substances recreationally. Is it not obvious that Prof Nutt ment. Independence is neces- ignored. Science is only one of can deny that the U-turn in can- In this country, we all have the There is the argument that and the ACMD are more in- sary for scientific advisors to many factors which need to be nabis classification is a prime ex- right to free speech; scientists increasing the classification of a formed of the evidence than any ensure free thought. taken into account to give the ample of such a mixed message. should not be excluded from substance sends out a message politician? Not to Alan Johnson, Reinstate Professor Nutt. full picture; we cannot ignore Cannabis was reclassified back this privilege. 4 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 NEWS FEATURE [email protected] FACULTY UNIONS RESPOND THE RCSU

AS BOTH THE RCSU AND CGCU COME UNDER PRESSURE IN LAST WEEK’S ISSUE, THE TWO FACULTY UNIONS RESPOND TO FELIX TO THE CLAIMS MADE AGAINST THEM CONCERNING THEIR FORMAL BALLS

n last week’s issue of felix, the finances and administration of Imperial College’s two Faculty A response from RCSU President, Katya-yani Vyas I Union’s were scrutinized. The Royal College of Science (RCSU) and City and Guilds College ogy to anyone who did not enjoy themelves at our their time to the RCSU and I would like to offer my Union (CGCU) were placed under the was contemplating this article for about a events and indeed to anyone who did not hear personal thanks to these people. I will continue to magnifying glass as their spending on day before I began writing, mentally switch- about them. champion the old adage; ‘I do not agree with what their formal events was questioned. ing my style and approach, attempting to Both formal balls held by each Facul- churn out key phrases and generally putting In the interview I gave to Mr Campos last week you have to say but will defend to the death you I I made it clear that we do not run social events to right to say it,’ and feel that any issues I had with ty Union lost a significant amount of a lot more thought into it than I probably money, but it was the CGCU’s Mas- should have (especially considering I was ambling make a profit, just as we do not provide careers how the article was written are now irrelevant and querade Ball that saw a fiasco come to around my department from lecture to lecture at talks or welfare sessions to make a profit. We have that we need to focus on moving forward. light in the following week. the time). a duty to our students to make our services afford- So, on to the points raised by Mr Campos re- Since then, the news feature pub- I came to the conclusion, after many painful able without compromising their quality. As a Fac- garding where our money would be better spent. lished in felix has naturally caused hours, that my previous attempts at dreaming up ulty Union we have developed enormously in the last In terms of welfare we are pioneering two separate some murmurs of commotion within a formal response filled with intricate arguments few years under the astute leadership of my pred- welfare schemes this year, both of which you will the RCSU and CGCU. and carrying a defensive tone was essentially go- This week, both Faculty Unions have ecessors, in particular Jennifer Morgan and David hear about in due course (I wouldn’t want to ruin decided to respond to the claims made ing to be counter-productive. Instead I have cho- Charles, without whom the current foundations for the surprise). There will be a number of sponsored against them. The confident RCSU Pres- sen to respond from the niche that I, along with a successful future would not have been laid. career talks and education based seminars as well ident Katya-yani Vyas has issued an hon- all of you, occupy. I am writing firstly as a student, as our usual array of social events in the coming est response to felix, which looks further a third year physics student to be precise. There- months. I will leave the shameless advertising at to explain the situation she finds the fore you can be guaranteed of my frankness and “I feel that any issues I had with that (or the Editor will charge me for this article). I RCSU currently in. The full statement sincerity when discussing the issues facing us as a how the article was written are hope that my point is making itself clear amongst can be read to the immediate right. Faculty Union. the rambling (forgive me, I have a tendency of Two responses from the Engineers The duties of the RCSU committee begin in now irrelevant and that we need delivering impassioned monologues). We are have been lodged with felix this week. the summer, meaning myself and members of our CGCU Welfare Officer Alice Row- to focus on moving forward.” working hard to acquire your trust and provide lands has taken the responsibility and team were on campus nearly every day in August you with as many different events and services as stepped forward to reply on behalf of and September. The Union, worryingly, became possible. Fundamentally our aim is to allow you to the rest of the CGCU Committee. more familiar to me than my own home and talk get the most you can out of your experience as a When I arrived at Imperial I had absolutely An eleventh hour response from of plans for the year dominated the majority of my student. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time at Im- no awareness of the RCSU, we have come a long CGCU President Kirsty Patterson, conversations, but I digress... perial and it is my (and the rest of the committee’s) way since then and every committee member who chose not to speak to felix when Having two major events in the first few weeks intention, that you also do. has worked incredibly hard to ensure our steady the original claims were made against meant a flurry of activity in the lead up to the I should probably conclude soon so I will end her, has submitted the poem ‘If’ by progress. We will continue to improve and grow start of term. Publicity for the aptly named ‘Wel- on this note, that we are always welcome to sug- Rudyard Kipling. She admitted that stronger as long as we have the support of the stu- come to the RCSU’ was our main concern during gestions and are looking to continuously improve. it said “things more eloquently” than dents we represent. Fresher’s fair, I am almost certain our Publicity Of- I implore you to get in touch with me (rcsu.presi- her own response at present. These re- Perhaps I should now address some of the is- sponses can be read on page 5. ficer would have strangled me had I requested one [email protected]) if you have ideas as to how sues brought to my attention by the article in more flyer. Ultimately we held a very successful we can provide a better event or think that we are question. There were some questions raised over comedy night which bodes well for the next two coming up short in a particular area. RCSU President Mr Campos’ suitability in writing the article con- shows this term. Essentially, every single one of us has a say in Katya-yani sidering he currently holds the position of Science Well, that is probably quite enough pre-amble. the actions of our student’s union so I urge you, as Vyas was under Challenge Chair and is therefore a member of the It is no secret that the real issue here is the finan- a student and not an FU president, to get involved pressure last RCSU committee. My opinion is that the article cial maelstrom following the Autumn Ball and the and believe in our potential. Perhaps if you do we week, but has was written fairly and without bias, I sincerely Masquerade Ball held by the RCSU and CGCU will avoid another article in felix this year and I issued an honest hope that the our engineering counterparts do not statement on respectively, and the article in last week’s felix won’t teeter on the verge of a breakdown or con- feel hard done by in this respect. In addition, I do behalf of her that reported on it. As President of the RCSU, I template strangling a certain Editor. In the mean not believe any disrespect was meant towards the committee (see can only be held accountable for the actions of my time, I will strive to bring out the best in the RCSU. students who have contributed countless hours of left) own union so I would first like to offer an apol- and hopefully build a union we can be proud of. felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 5 [email protected] NEWS THE CGCU

A POETIC RIPOSTE

CGCU Welfare Officer Alice Rowlands responds The President’s poem Miss Patterson has decided to issue a formal response in the he majority of the CGCU committee and studying for our degree and other commitments. Follow- form of a poem that she “says things rather more elequently” I were surprised to read the article in felix ing discussions all parties have agreed to continue to work 1442, regarding the CGCU Masquerade together in a professional manner. than her own words. T Ball and, more specifically, allegations that Miss Patterson disputes Mr Norris’s allegations that the CGCU committee are ‘pointing fingers’ he was unhappy with booking New Young Pony Club for at our President, Miss Kirsty Patterson. the Masquerade Ball. I am unable to substantiate either’s ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling Though we acknowledge that the ball lost more money claims, however I would suggest that if there was a disa- than we could be comfortable with, we feel the night ran greement between Mr Norris and Miss Patterson, which smoothly and was a success, enjoyed by those who attend- was unable to be resolved by the two parties, the rest of If you can keep your head when all about you ed. With hindsight it could be said booking such a high- the committee, or the DPFS should have been involved. In profile, expensive band was overly ambitious. However, my opinion, central union Sabbatical Officers should pro- Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; as far as CGCU have been informed, the losses quoted in vide more support when such large scale, and high budget, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, felix are almost twice as high as the actual figures. events are being planned. But make allowance for their doubting too; I feel the article itself was a needlessly personal attack on If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Miss Patterson and appears to have been based on the views “The CGCU exec did not receive the Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies, or mis-quotes of one member of the CGCU committee, sab- Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating, batical officers who have not consulted us, or Miss Patter- level of support promised by central son, who have leaked confidential information to the media, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise; while being too cowardly to put their names to the quotes Union sabbatical officers.” they gave. If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; Mr Steve Long (CGCU Vice President- Activities) Upon reading last week’s felix, Mr Weetman (former If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; agreed that last week’s article was a misrepresentation of Guildsheet Editor) contacted me to say he was mis-quoted in If you can meet with triumph and disaster the views of the majority of the CGCU exec, saying: “The order to sensationalise the piece, while reason for resigning And treat those two imposters just the same; report of the breakdown of the CGCU committee and dis- the position of Guildsheet editor was ignored. Mr Weetman If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken satisfaction with our President in last week’s felix was way wished to clarify; the pressures of his degree mean he is un- Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, off the mark. I wish that more of my comments were in- able to effectively fulfil the role of editor, but he will remain a Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, cluded in the article, as this would have suggested the con- Guildsheet contributor, albeit in a lesser role. trary. For the record, I believe we have the strongest guilds The CGCU exec were happy with the service provided And stoop and build ‘em up with wornout tools; committee in years. There is a lot of “new blood” with ex- by ICU on the evening; we never intended to make a profit perience from different areas of college life and this has on dinner sales, so any allegations of over-pricing should If you can make one heap of all your winnings brought a new lease of life to the CGCU. The proof can be directed at central union rather than CGCU. And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, be seen in the fantastic turn out to our events, the “Impe- Prior to that evening however, the CGCU exec did not And lose, and start again at your beginnings rial Engineers” T-shirts being worn around the campus, receive the level of support promised by central union And never breathe a word about your loss; and the feeling of belonging to the City and Guilds Col- sabbatical officers. ICU President, Ashley Brown, prom- If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew lege Union that has been fostered in the last few weeks. I ised in his manifesto to support clubs and faculty unions To serve your turn long after they are gone, would like to take this opportunity to thank the members in running events in the union building. In direct con- And so hold on when there is nothing in you of CGCU for their hard graft recently to create this en- tradiction, ICU Deputy President, Finance & Services, vironment and to thank our President, Kirsty Patterson. Danny Hill, told CGCU: “Central Union is not here to help Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”; Guilds is strong this year, long may it continue!” publicise Faculty Union events”, when asked to help with Mr Dan Lundy (CGCU Chairman) echoed Mr Long’s the Masquerade Ball. If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, comments, saying the ball: “will serve to encourage fresh- Another major point of Mr Brown’s manifesto was reduc- Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; ers and older students to take a more active role within the ing the price of entry to the union, if you just want to go for If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; CGCU in the future, it was one of the best IC events I have a drink. As a member of his campaign team, I was therefore If all men count with you, but none too much; attended to date.” extremely surprised to be paying £6 entry to the union on If you can fill the unforgiving minute With regards to the comments made by Mr Norris, the first Wednesday of term and more on the Friday. Though With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run - our VPFS, these sentiments are not reflected by the rest at the time Mr Brown was confident that, as it was Fresh- Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it, of the committee. With any group of people there will be ers’ Week, “they’d just pay it”, he later conceded “the problem disagreements and falling outs, particularly when we are [with Faculty Union ticket sales] is that we [Central Union] And - which is more - you’ll be a Man my son! striving to do the best job possible for CGCU, alongside have bankrupted the freshers with Freshers’ Week.” 6 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009

PPoliticsolitics Editors JamesJames Goldsack, Katya-yani Vyas,Vyas, JamesJames Lees and Phil MurrayMurray POLITICS [email protected] Chomsky on the Palestinian Region FFeatureeature ReportReport byby World-renowned Political Philosopher and Linguist on his last tour of Britain SSinaina Ataherian,Ataherian, JamesJames Lees,Lees, VickiVicki MasdingMasding

n Thursday 29th Octo- te US and Israel should attack. ber, one of the greatest Chomsky accuses the Government- political philosophers led media of shifting the general O of our time, Professor population towards fear of Iran, whilst Noam Chomsky, came not reporting on almost scandalous to London for possibly the last time behaviour such as Israel not signing to present a talk on Palestine and the up to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation region in the Obama era. The event Treaty and Obama making clear to had been organised by Imperial Col- them that it didn’t apply to them. lege Political Philosophy Society in A week before being inaugurated, conjunction with Palestinian societies Obama was saying that Iran was go- from across London universities, and ing to be a problem despite reports felix was lucky enough to attend. from US intelligence saying that Iran Professor Chomsky began his talk had stopped its nuclear proliferation by discussing the Iranian situation, in in 2003. This was hardly reported in particular given current concerns over the media and the only answer from its nuclear program. He was clearly the White House as to why they were concerned about the reaction of West- ignoring this intelligence information, ern governments and media, which he according to Chomsky, was that they characterised as ‘fear-mongering.’ didn’t like the intelligence estimates The focus of this part of the talk was which they were rejecting. that Iran poses no significant threat to Another example of this apparent Western interests, both in general and hushing-up of unfavourable stories specifically with the nuclear issue. He which Professor Chomsky brought up further noted the danger of ignoring is the apparent scandal around Pales- what he viewed as more immediate tinian offshore gas. According to re- concerns over Israel and India by keep- ports, the Palestinian Authority grant- ing attention exclusively on Iran. ed exploration rights in 1999 to 60% Professor Chomsky continued the of Palestinian offshore gas reserves to theme started by Tariq Ali in his intro- British Gas and a partner company. Professor Noam Chomsky lecturing at the event. Photos by Chris Hopper of Imperial Political Philosophy Society ductory speech, who had reminded the However, since the election of the Ha- audience of Iran’s role in stabilising the mas government, Israel has taken con- conditions of Iraq and Afghanistan. He trol of the gas reserves. such, a consortium of smaller gas com- talk. Chomsky has frequently said that Woodrow Wilson (1919); and of course cautioned against negative sentiments There was talk of Tony Blair’s in- panies have re-opened negotiations one reason for discussing and criticis- the Nobel prizes are named after the towards, and approached praising, volvement in dealings with BG re- with BG as a possible gas supplier for ing US foreign policy as much as he inventor of dynamite. The implication Iran as a nation whilst distinguishing garding a possible deal to pump gas to Israel. It has been noted that the rela- does is because he himself is Ameri- was that the inauguration of the great between it and its current government. Egypt, in that he halted these proceed- tionship between Tony Blair and Israeli can, and as a result feels he has a de- Obama will not signal the end of war He focused his blame for such sen- ings on behalf of Israel. Later, despite Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has con- gree of responsibility for his country’s and is unlikely to solve the situation in timents squarely on the media and a proposed agreement that would see tributed to the increasingly favourable actions. However, on this occasion the the Palestine region. warned that it could clear the way a one billion dollar profit go to Pales- dialogue between Israel and BG. focus was centred on his belief that US The most original point of the night for additional sanctions, including tinians in exchange for gas, it was then To credit the Daily Mail, as Chom- foreign policy is the only foreign policy was Professor Chomsky’s assertion, military. Having written extensively stated that Palestinians would only be sky himself did on another matter, an which truly matters, now it is the only made in passing whilst discussing the throughout his career about the exces- “paid in goods and services” as Israel article published by David Rose writes superpower. merits of a Two-State Solution, that “of sively cosy relationship between Big wanted to ensure that “no money go to that “Blair’s Middle East-focused busi- This was further emphasised by Tar- course even better would be a Zero- Government and its Big Media, as he the Hamas-controlled government”. ness career has been a triumph” along- iq Ali who said he had been asked to State Solution.” He capitalised on the sees it, this was a natural argument for EMG, a key gas supply company side the statement “No prime minister make a few remarks on British foreign unique difficulties of the Israel-Palestine him to make. signed a deal with the Israeli Electric in modern times would have dreamt of policy “But it doesn’t exist.” He pro- conflict to counter the most frequent According to Chomsky, since 2007 Company (IEC) to supply gas to Israel exploiting his position in the way Mr vided by far the best quote of the day, rebuttal to his anarchist arguments. the media has been set on a policy of for 15 years, but refused sales of natu- Blair has done”. His involvement has a quote from an ex-UK Ambassador to He repeatedly proclaimed that in this demonising Iran, “the most ominous ral gas to a number of private gas con- clearly come into controversy. the US, Sir Antony Maher’s memoirs case it would be “no more utopian” than issue of today”. Front-page headlines sumer companies despite them being The attitude of the United States, as who had been told by Tony Blair’s chief either the one or two state solutions were about Iran defying the world willing to pay more. This would mean shown through its foreign policy, which of staff, Jonathan Powell, “Your main currently on the table. Interestingly, he community and seeking to acquire nu- the IEC would oligopolise the natural has often been described as American task is to find the arsehole of the White reminded the audience that for most clear weapons, and relating to whether gas market and supplies to Israel. As Imperialism, was a major subject of the House and remain there.” of history, for instance under the Otto- Their point is that whenever the in- mans, “[the State] leaving them alone” ternational community should be get- was precisely the method used to over- ting involved in a situation through the come the challenge of sovereignty over UN, the only vote that matters is that such disparate religious groups. of the United States. In UN Security The thrust of this argument is that Council meetings, the US is far and the logical source of the conflict can away the largest user of the Right to be fully explained by the simultaneous Veto a decision. presence of mutually exclusive statist Chomsky made the point that in claims by both Israelis and Palestin- various cases at a vote of the UN Gen- ians. The argument goes that like all eral Assembly, there had been 4 votes States, they seek geographic monopo- against the motion, or in effect, 1 vote: lies on violence and so cannot possibly that of the US. This is largely because both be satisfied. Professor Chomsky the only one of those countries that belongs to the camp that would favour will be listened to is the US, and also no such monopolies over two, estab- because they are all effectively under lished within the 1948 and 1967 bor- the control of the US. ders, respectively. Of course the Nobel Peace Prize has Essentially, this position calls for a just been won by President Obama, transfer of sovereignty to individu- but from the very start with the first als, such that there is no coercion left speaker of the day, Gilbert Achcar, over whose exact form to fight. Crit- the tone was set by pointing out all ics would question how such a ‘free the ‘war-mongering’ people who have state’ could guarantee its own security been presented with the award includ- from foreign and domestic threats, run Left to right: Tariq Ali, Gilbert Achcar and Noam Chomsky answering questions from the audience on a range of topics. ing Theodore Roosevelt (1906) and an effective legal system or do any of felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 7 [email protected] POLITICS the other things that are commonly cause Israel to implement internation- viewed as being achievable solely by al law to give rights to the Palestinian government. Sadly, Professor Chom- people. sky chose not to delve further into this The point of South African Apart- point on this occasion. heid was further elaborated upon by Other efforts that could and are be- Chomsky: a comparison was made ing made to aid the situation in the between the modern-day situation in region, or rather to subdue Israel, in- Palestine and Apartheid South Africa. clude BDS. Initiated in July 2005, BDS Moshe Dayan, the Israeli military and is an international economic campaign political leader, said in 1967 Palestin- to boycott Israeli goods, supported by ians will “continue to live like dogs, and the PSC, Palestinian Solidarity Cam- whoever wishes may leave.” A quote paign. There are a number of points to Chomsky brought up many times. this campaign: recognise the rights of In South Africa, he points out, the Arab-Palestinians to full equality, the Apartheid regime had to look after the right of Palestinian refugees to return black workers, to some extent at least, and to end Israel’s occupation of all as they relied on them for labour. The Arab lands. case was similar with Israel’s attitude The boycotting extended to that of to the Palestinians in the ‘60s, however an academic boycott: refusal to inter- now with immigrants from other poor act with Israeli universities, in particu- parts of the world now available to car- lar those situated in the West Bank as ry out the undesirable work, the Israeli they are seen as being involved with attitude, Chomky alleges, is now much the occupation of Palestinian territo- more in line with Dayan’s sentiments. ries and against UN resolutions. This One question posed to Chomsky Writer and activist Gilbert Achcar introducing the topic to be discussed and the speakers, Tariq Ali and Noam Chomsky. is, however, controversial and discus- by a Palestinian student, enquired sions are taking place with a view to about the right of return for Palestin- boycotting institutions while main- ian refugees. UN Resolution 194 states Israeli War of Independence in 1948- ple. Yasser Arafat (2002) highlighted between Zionism and Apartheid he taining dialogue with individuals. “that the refugees wishing to return 49. This would eliminate their right of that if very large numbers of refugees made a considerable effort to justify Other boycott examples include: to their homes and live at peace with return based on the assumption that were to return to Israel, it would be in- his position. On his linking of Israelis some UK churches have withdrawn their neighbors should be permitted to they would not “live at peace”. consistent with Israel remaining a state to capitalists and Palestinians to social- corporate investment from Israel; urg- do so at the earliest practicable date”. Another point mentioned was with a Jewish majority. ists he did not. ing people to boycott new Intel proces- However, as this is a General Assembly whether any such agreement would Professor Chomsky is admired even He went so far as to argue that work- sors manufactured in Israel; divesting agreement, it is not binding by interna- include only those who are first-gen- by most of his academic adversaries for ing for a fixed income was worse in companies that specifically benefit tional law and as such no repatriation eration refugees or whether it would his exemplary intellectual honesty and than being a slave and suggested that Israel – drawing comparisons with the has taken place. entitle descendents of the original ref- integrity. This made his frequent use of this was analogous to the plight of South African Apartheid in which sim- Moreover, the wording of the agree- ugees to the right of return, of which quotes from highly dubious sources as Palestinians. ilar divestment took place. A campaign ment is subject to interpretation as the the matter is unresolved. The original though they were universally respected Overall the main point to take away of cultural, academic and sporting refugees in question could encompass number of displaced Palestinians was experts particularly disappointing. from the talk was that Israel won’t boycotting is being encouraged. Arab-Palestinians and Jews that fled approximately 750 000 and if the de- Akin to this were various compari- change its policy towards Palestine so Moreover, the instigation of sanc- persecution; where the Arab-Palestin- scendents of refugees were granted the sons he made that were clearly aimed long as it is supported by the US and tions would result in increased pres- ians may be deemed non-peaceful due right of return this would lead to a pos- at the emotional rather than rational the EU and the situation won’t improve sure on the economy which could to their involvement in the start of the sible influx of around four million peo- side of the debate. On the similarities until Israel changes its policy.

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Internships: 28 January 2010 for February 2010 offers Please apply online at www.oliverwyman.com/careers 8 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 Comment Editor RaviRavi PallPall COMMENT [email protected]

I don’tdo look like this anymore. Honestly, it was over a year ago

RRaviavi PallPall Comment Editor

t’s been a long time coming; I own. It’s like playing king of the hill, but worse, everybody is in the same posi- ing to tell you to enjoy your first year were a Fresher again? Exactly, you’ve finally have a chance to write a only I get to cheat. Please keep send- tion – nobody has any time for each at university, you should know that been in the same crowd for years comment piece. It’s not for the ing your comment pieces in though, I other, nobody wants to go out and already. This rant is more like a pre now and wouldn’t it be nice to diver- I lack of trying, but more due to won’t do this often. Anyway it appears party anymore. Even when I decide to warning of how intense things get as sify? As good as it gets these days is the fact that week after week, I am the one rambling now. have some time off and chill out for an you progress through the years. More a house party, which are fun, but not we here at felix have been “snowed un- This week I would like to tell you that evening, I have nobody to spend it with of your friends fail and drop out, some the same as living in halls, right? Hells der” with the opinions, thoughts, and life is generally shit. Everything seems – even my flatmate is too busy and he’s go abroad, some graduate. It seems like no biatches! Get out of the hole you’ve bizarre ramblings of Imperial College’s to be good, I’ve made it to third year, just a SAC monkey!! your social life is thinning by the sec- dug for yourselves and DO act like a finest most enthusiastic young writers. I’ve done well enough to stay on the Remember when we were in first ond. Well that might be a slight exag- Fresher again. Go to Cheapskates on a When I say enthusiastic I mean those four year course, I have a beautiful girl- year? We were all in halls, we could geration, but the point none the less is wednesday, or Fabric in the early hours who put the effort in to writing a com- friend, great friends, a nice flat to live be bothered to go out, there was no to make the best of what you have got. of the morning. Why do you need your ment piece, then go through the whole in and a job. What’s more, I’m turning such thing as ‘I’ve got too much work Unless you like working every second current friends to have fun? Make new ordeal of emailing it to comment.fe- 21 in three weeks. to do’ being an excuse for not heading of the day this is a bad thing. ones while you’re there. ‘The more [email protected] . On paper, life is great!! In reality, off to Soho on a night out, or wasting If you think about it, you’re prob- the merrier’ I believe the saying goes. Now after finally shoving enough too many tutorials, too many lectures a day being drunk in the union. These ably in a similar situation (first years What I’m trying to say here is don’t let contributions into the seemingly nev- and too much time in labs means that were good times, memorable times. exempt). When was the last time you it get you down, keep doing whatever er-ending, well, we call it an ‘Inbox’, I I have no time to spend with my girl- However it seems these times are long met loads of new people. Called them you want to do, not what you’re ex- have selfishly claimed this space as my friend and friends. And to make it gone, into the distance. I’m not try- up for a night out, and acted like you pected to do. You only die once. Angry Geek is all over Dick Prick Nick Griffin “Nick Griffin is an arsehole. Everyone knows that, so don’t panic if we’re all not down there with the anti-fascism protesters.”

lright, look, I know farting out another comment about from the beginning – no-one is engi- misguided. But you have to understand we took a step or two back, looked at Question Time was a the Ice Age. neering anything in this country. The that this has happened before, and will how ridiculous the situation really is, while back but I’ve been So cut me some slack, alright? It has last thing we engineered properly was happen again, based on whichever so- and then got involved again. A in hospital with a her- been a hard week. I’ve had to watch se- the Channel Tunnel, and even that has cial or ethnic group is currently in the Nick Griffin is an arsehole. Everyone nia since I watched it, rious television for six hours a day to been set alight a few times. Nothing firing line. It’s not pretty, but it does knows that, so don’t panic if we’re all because I exploded with laughter so recover from it all, and watching that large-scale ever gets engineered in this pass. not down there with the anti-fascism frequently my internal organs began to many episodes of The Wire will do an- country, because the system works. How can we help? We can help by protesters. Some of us are just lazy, vibrate at high frequency. I passed out yone’s head in. We all love depressing And by ‘the system’, I am of course talk- being the calm voices of reason. We others just can’t think up witty enough around the time that David Dimbleby television, guys, but if I wanted to slash ing about the fact that most people are can help by not panicking. We can slogans (not that that stops most peo- pleaded to the audience that he “didn’t my wrists I’d have spent the money on too bloody stupid to pay attention to help by making jokes about Nick Grif- ple – the ‘Dick’ Griffin line was about as want the show to be about the BNP”, something sharper than a DVD case. anything, racially charged or not. fin’s entertainingly simple view of the funny as a BNP’s after-dinner speech). as he sat next to the party’s leader, a Now, that means I wasn’t around last I know it can feel uncomfortable, history of this country. We are the Everyone knows. And as for the rest prominent black arts scholar, and three week to comfort you all while Abdul sometimes, to see parties like the BNP young adults of this country, and we of the political parties – this is a stu- tossers looking to score cheap political Hannan declared that a new world or- on television giving their spiel. And are scientists. We’re supposed to be pid country. Not a racist one. So kick points. Thankfully my girlfriend was der was partitioning society into “the worse still, to hear people who are in the people who are speaking clearly, back, and enjoy the hilarity of watching around to call an ambulance before I white guys” and “diffrunt people”. But power, people who are taken seriously, cutting through the bullshit and stat- people get very, very worked up about bled out to the sound of Nick Griffin it’s okay, I’m here now, so let’s start saying other things that are similarly ing the facts. It would help everyone if all this. It’ll all be over by Election Day.

Want to write for comment? email [email protected] Your Opinions, Thoughts and Ramblings in 750 Words felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 9 [email protected] COMMENT Jaideep Desai’s confession: I ♥ the Union “I probably wouldn’t get a second look if I strolled in wearing a Borat mankini, in fact I think it has been done.”

o I like the union? Eve- It’s a common topic among everyone permanent smell of vomit in the union I haven’t seen many better. There is Wednesday night where it is not only ryone at Imperial has who visits, and it sort of unifies us as bar, or the pints of piss courtesy of the nothing more annoying than a packed acceptable to do condom pints, but heard the same com- a group. Maybe that’s why people say rugby team. dance floor, and dBs is never packed. encouraged? How can you hate a place D ment about the union, it so much. However my fresher days But what about the positives? The I always find space to swing my arms that serves your beer in a plastic skiff “it....is....shit”. are over. Now in 2nd year I find myself union doesn’t care about my type of in some ridiculous fashion and call so once you’re done you can throw it Throughout my first year it was all a tad older and wiser and am willing to shoes or if I’m wearing a hoody, I prob- it a form of dancing. And so what if back in the faces of the bar staff that I heard, and in a bid to look “cool” in voice my true opinion about the bar at ably wouldn’t get a second look if I the music isn’t great, if you’re sober served you? Then later at the end of front of a bunch of strangers, I would the back end of Beit quad. I LOVE IT!!! strolled in wearing a Borat mankini, in enough to notice, you’re not drunk a long night, there’s no issue getting agree, and maybe even spread the I literally cannot think of anywhere else fact I think it has been done. In the un- enough to be in dBs. home, if I’m feeling paralytic there’s a word. I started saying the union was I would like to go out more, and it’s not ion you really can do almost anything I could go on all day: you never have direct night bus that takes me to my shit before I had even been there. followed by a ‘lol’ so yes, I really am short of murder and not get kicked out. to queue to get in, the cloakroom is front door, and I can walk it if I’m feel- Over my time I have found it as serious. Where else can you get service with a free, and they have the quickest most ing active. something of a conversation starter, Everyone always focuses on the smile after having just thrown up your hygienic hand driers in the world. So, no one would’ve thought it, but almost a pick-up line. All girls in the negative points, like how ridiculously guts on Beit lawn? Now dBs’ dance On top of all of this, it’s pretty cheap. the best night out in London town is union love a man who hates the union. heavy the stools in Da Vinci’s are, the floor gets a lot of bad press, however Really, where else can you go on a the Imperial College Union. Gilead Amit and the global war on tourism “Soon their weapons of mass distraction will be eradicated, and ordinary people will go about their daily lives without fear of disruption.”

few years ago, following voices that constitute the most power- ducing the spread of the tourism virus: Known as the ‘London Eye’, the giant cir- Baker Street area. The brightly-coloured the atrocities commit- ful weapons of mass distraction will be ‘catch it, kill it, bin there, done that’. cular structure serves as a centre where labyrinth of the London Tube map has ted by foreign citizens on eradicated, and ordinary people will be It is a testament to the gravity of the suspected tourists can be kept off the greatly facilitated this subtle shepherd- AAmerican soil, President able to go about their daily lives without threat involved that all branches of gov- streets in a closely monitored environ- ing, as after ten minutes underground George W. Bush declared fear of disruption. ernment and industry have contributed ment for half an hour at a time. Once not even the keenest orienteer has any a global war on tourism. Tourism and As a reformed tourist myself, I under- to seeking out these unwelcome visitors they emerge, dizzy and mildly disori- idea where the hell they are, where tourists, he claimed in his distinctively stand all too well the appalling condi- to our shores. No single body, however, ented, it is a comparatively easy task to they’re going, or what fresh air used to chirpy Texan accent, needed to be tions that drive perfectly ordinary peo- has done more to help in the identifi- push them into the raging waters of the taste like. stopped at whatever cost. Whether hid- ple to strap themselves into a seatbelt cation of tourists than the Royal Mint. River Thames. Once a tourist arrives at Madame Tus- ing behind Lonely Planet guidebooks in and leave their baggage unattended Centuries of experience have resulted in But perhaps the most impressive pre- saud’s, after expecting to find himself at cheap hotels or skulking in queues for in the hold of a transnational airliner. the manufacture of the most confusing caution employed by the city of London Harrods or the Millenium Dome, he is discount theatre tickets, tourists had to Their actions may seem disgusting and set of circulating coinage known to man, is Madame Tussaud’s. Behind the story quietly and discreetly shown into the be identified, disarmed and eliminated. repellent to us, but we must be tolerant, and the ingenious practice of pricing of this feeble waxworks we see the true cellars, melted down, and recast into the In an unparalleled act of unity, virtu- and strive to remember that it is simply everyday items at such arbitrary figures power of marketing, a brute force ca- latest mould of Nick Griffin or Susan ally the entire Western world responded not their fault. Their vile and reprehen- as £7.28 or £3.43. This forces the uniniti- pable of transforming a pointless and Boyle. This way the museum is able to to this clarion call for peace and secu- sible activities are motivated by a genu- ated to deal with overflowing handfuls vapid attraction into one of the city’s cut down on its wax consumption, and rity. As a result, the last few years have ine feeling of desperation, expressed of loose change which they are then un- most visited sites. But why? What is the can continue to provide among the most seen life become increasingly difficult through the only means of communi- able to identify. All that the rest of us purpose of dragging foreigners to such a realistic dummies in the world. for rogue tourists hell-bent on overturn- cation they feel is open to them. then have to do is keep our ears peeled hideously vulgar waste of time? The an- All that is now left to do, of course, is ing our normal way of life. Increased se- If we are to put an end to this men- for anyone who walks down the road swer is simple. Once used to display the to combat the horrors of British tourism curity at airports, tighter control over ace, we have to act with delicacy, pro- making a noise like a gypsy tambourin- remains of executed French nobles, it exported abroad. The shutting down entry visas and a tougher economic fessionalism and caution. And what ist falling down a hill. has now regained its original purpose as of the renowned British tourism train- climate have all contributed to prevent- better example to follow than that of Even British Airways has in part a final destination for unwanted foreign- ing camps and a crackdown on the in- ing the scourge of international tourism London’s very own Metropolitan police atoned for its role in facilitating the ers. The innate ability of Londoners to famous and devastating tactic of binge from rearing its ugly head. Soon even force? The London Met’s counter-tour- influx of tourists by financing the con- respond to a crisis situation means that drinking will surely go a long way to the silly hats, ‘I Love London’ T-shirts, ism program has been exceptionally ef- struction of a giant detention and iso- standard policy has long been to slyly making tomorrow’s world a safer and unnecessarily large cameras and loud fective, with its four-stage slogan for re- lation facility on London’s South Bank. direct all potential tourists towards the less gaudy place. We can but hope. 10 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 COMMENT [email protected] Mariash Notelling already knows better “ I feel ... ashamed of some of my “acquaintances”, as I now like to call them, who need to take pregnancy or STI tests”

LIKE ROUGH SEX. Yes I bet making love is something deeper, but World. I believe physical relationships es”, as I now like to call them, who need Park during the night...can’t remember I’ve got your attention now. If in my experience the males I’ve come can be great fun when they are with the to take pregnancy or STI tests. If you the rest...” WOW aren’t you cool?! It’s a you are stupid enough to read across here are not interested in that. right person. BUT that does not mean were in a stable relationship, planning pity I can’t even try to be just like you! I this just because of the open- Most just want one night stands and I give in to horny Imperial males on the properly and actually not drunk off I apologise to any males that I may ing line then you are probably those that pretend that they don’t are prowl. I have some respect for myself your face most of the time when you have offended during the voice of my a sexually deprived male Imperial stu- really just keeping a girlfriend so that and I am not ashamed to say that I am had sex then you wouldn’t have this humble opinion. I know that there are dent (of which there are many due to they can get regular fucks. They are still a virgin. Yes a virgin. I am proud problem! some decent blokes out there at Impe- the male: female ratio) or you are one not interested in what music you’re that I haven’t given in because I am Oh yes that brings me onto alcohol. rial –after all - probability distributions of the slutty female freshers who are into or what you did over summer, they simply waiting for the right person. Sex Why is the idea of a good night: one approach the x axis, but never quite really keen (if you have not done so al- just want an arse to squeeze and then is not the way to start a relationship. It that is a total piss up? Let me assure you reach it. You must be somewhere in ready) on losing their virginity. just forget about it until next time. should be brought into a relationship that I like alcohol. But I do not drink to the tail of the Gaussian. Shame really Is it me or is felix and the majority of I’m also disgusted with the recent in- as a token of love and trust. And how get pissed. I have never lost control. I -isn’t it? But don’t try and contact me the student population of Imperial ob- take of fresher girls that wear tops with on earth are you meant to trust some- may have drunk too much at times, but –I’m not interested. I’m too busy try- sessed with sex? “Where’s the weirdest tits falling out or dresses that reveal one after a week or two, after meet- I did not set out to do this. I like the ing to convince my demonstrators that place you’ve had sex?” Urghh it makes thongs! Get some class! Don’t get me ing them at Fresher’s Week? Many of taste of alcohol. I agree –a drink does my recent laboratory work is one of a me feel sick! Is that really what life re- wrong, I love dressing up and revealing my friends have followed this trend as relax you and being Italian and all... kind and actually deserves the Nobel volves around? Do you really become a bit of flesh, but everything in mod- they got caught up in the whirlwind Well, red wine is in my blood. But it prize. I’m not going to bother apolo- more interesting and are you really liv- eration. I am no nun. I am not a female of London uni life. But no honey –no annoys me when I hear: “last night was gising to any promiscuous girls I may ing life to the full if you fuck regularly? scientist only devoted to her stud- way- not me! I’m starting to feel really amazing... tons of alcohol... woke up on have offended –just ‘cause you should Yes, fuck –not make love. Because ies and the latest issue of Chemistry ashamed of some of my “acquaintanc- the common room floor...went to Hyde know better. Rhys Davies lives with a plant... Weird? “In Plant’s opinion, my life is very complicated. And it’s not hard to see why; university, lectures, medicine, food, rent...”

I’m excited. Now calm down, there’s that I must get used to outside the so- In Plant’s opinion, my life is very latest philosophical ponderings but my Plant is an outstanding individual and no need for the hose yet. As a second ber light of day, there is one other oc- complicated. And it’s not hard to see feeble human mind can barely keep up a true friend, he is still a houseplant. year, I have recently moved in with cupant of the house. One that I couldn’t why; university, lectures, medicine, with him at the best of times, let alone Now, don’t mistake me for some kind some lazy, messy and slightly anaemic be happier to be sharing a room with. food, rent, bills, friends, keeping fit, when it’s trying to focus on adrenocep- of bigot. I’m the last person to judge individuals. They are otherwise known His name is Plant. He is a houseplant. eating healthy, sleep and – here it gets tors and cerebral arteries. We also have someone based on the colour of their as housemates and they are kings I first met Plant in the gardening sec- really complicated – girls. And, of a good chat every week when I decide stem. But Plant is a plant, and I am – among men. tion at the B&Q back home, so, like course, the general head-scratchings of to water him. More often than not, contrary to popular belief – a man. We’re still very much in the honey- me, he’s a true Welshman. Admittedly, life, the universe and everything. It’s as we end up talking about the weather, Our friendship may have done much moon period. The green shoots of de- he’ll never play rugby in the Six Na- knotty as a pair of snakes, just married, which we both have a vested interest to strengthen plant-human relations mocracy as everyone is assigned a shelf tions but he has a quiet charm. Plant honeymooning in a box of Christmas in. but there are some differences that are in the fridge. The beloved selection of sits at a mighty half-metre tall, in his lights. Although, in fairness, Plant finds What’s more, as a housemate, Plant too vast to be bridged by goodwill and a stiff Caerphilly cheese from the dairy white melamine pot, his endearingly anything with legs complicated. Move- is exemplary. Unlike some, he never MiracleGro. aisle in Sainsburys. The furious wrath droopy leaves a sign of his relaxed, ment? – He baulks – ‘Tis madness! So contemplates kitchen theft and skul- The lack of opposable thumbs poses at waking to find a discarded wrapper open nature. I have his pity. Plant is a simple thing, duggery; he is always swift and ef- a particular problem. Though I enjoy and nothing more, with the obliga- What I like about Plant is that he with simple pleasures. Recumbent in ficient in the bathroom, and doesn’t the alien sensation of winning at Halo, tory witch-hunt. Secretly identifying doesn’t judge. I can come home in his plastic palace, he is free to spend leave potting soil in the bottom of the it is a hollow victory. Plant holds lit- the culprit and the furtive thrill of re- the foulest of moods, vent at him to the day musing over matters that really shower; and he is always on time with tle interest in video games, or in going venge; drinking the last of their milk geothermal proportions, practically matter, like “Why is water wet?” the rent. I don’t ask where he gets the out. It’s as if he were rooted to the spot. in the middle of the night – and the screaming. And when I finish, lungs But Plant is more than just a stem money from – some things are best left It’s a real shame because he does ap- cold sweat of terror as you realise that bleeding, he just nods along with the to cry on after a bad day. On the occa- unknown. preciate a good pint of Guinness. But wasn’t milk at all and had no business air conditioning. Others might mistake sions that I am caught studying in my You might be wondering by now, due these are relatively minor complaints in the fridge to start with. It’s a verita- him as blasé or apathetic, but they miss room, Plant is a fine conversationalist to my hagiographic prose, why I didn’t that I can ignore most of the time... ble cornucopia of emotion. the warm glow of gentle sympathy that to help those long hours fly by. He of- just move into a greenhouse? Valid ...But when he gets drunk, he does But in addition to these strange faces suffuses the room afterwards. ten tries to engage me by discussing his question, and I must admit, though like to spoon. felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 11

    #    Business Editor Sina AtaherianAtaherian 

BUSINESS [email protected]  Your weekly business news round-up UK opposition parties criticise the slow recovery from recession, Lord Sugar denies it exists and suggests we do the same, Intel gets prosecuted – again, gold marches on, and Shanghai may be getting a Disneyland

UK will recover slower than US bail-outs but has, without formally re- tracting his position, increasingly shied away from discussing his earlier pro- This week a row has been growing posals, on account of public opinion over the perceived slowness of the UK’s being strongly hostile towards them. prophesied economic recovery. Treas- He has however been reminding voters ury minister Liam Byrne claimed that of the Prime Minister’s earlier claims Shadow Chancellor George Osborne and his role in shaping the UK econo- had made a “complete clown of him- my in the eleven years before the start self” for suggesting that the Govern- of recession. “Gordon Brown’s claim ment’s plan to end the recession had that we were ‘best placed’ now lies in “failed”. Criticism has also been coming, tatters” said Mr Osborne, arguing that as always, from the Lib Dems who saw “we need credit and confidence to get “stark contrast” between the perform- the British economy moving again.” ances of the UK and US economies. Ironically these latest spats has been Mr Byrne made three arguments in catalyzed by figures showing the US favour of his government’s interven- recovering faster than the UK, which tionism. His first was that US politi- are themselves highly suspicious. Even cians and their advisors had “said the on the Federal Government’s dubious stimulus was vital”. His second point numbers, unemployment continues to was that some countries that imple- rise – although TARPisans like to ar- mented stimulus packages had seen gue that the rate of increase (or some their economies’ key indicators pick higher order derivative depending on up. He argued that these “show one the month) of unemployment is falling. thing above all - that economic stimu- In the financial markets, speculation lus has worked.” Finally he pointed out is strong and growing that the nomi- that Barack Obama (in so many words) nal gap between asset and real eco- supported economic stimulus as a tool nomic performance is being caused by to hasten economic recovery. government-pumped money. Evidence Lib Dem Treasury spokesman Vince supporting this view includes the un- Cable has been broadly supportive of precedentedly high ratio between the the government’s policies but has chal- scale of the recovery and the depth of lenged the effectiveness of their imple- the initial correction. mentation. He has additionally called This creates a dilemma. There will for the financial sector to be shrunk, probably be an eventual withdrawal of relative to the overall size of the econo- liquidity in order to reduce the risk of my. He also wants consumer and busi- excessive inflation. But this will cause ness loans to become more accessible, another painful market correction, and personal debt to go down. His pro- potentially sparking another round of posals have some credibility because of printing. These concerns have caused his partial prediction of the financial the surge in currencies traditionally crisis. viewed as risky to continue this week, Mr Osborne was the only politician as the doubts rise about the USD’s to oppose quantitative easing and bank safe-haven status. Clockwise from top left: George Osborne, Vince Cable, the wrong Liam Byrne, Treasury minister Liam Byrne

Lord Sugar addresses concerns and for all? I don’t think we’re in one the businesswoman, who has to run Intel has been naughty again India buys IMF gold now, okay?” their business, and adapt to the climate He has even been blaming the cur- that they are in at the moment.” The Alan Sugar, of The Apprentice fame, rent state of the economy on its cov- Lib Dem’s business spokesman John Just months after paying the EU almost Gold prices have hit an all time high of made controversial comments on erage, adding, “I think it’s about time Thurso warned the Prime Minister not £1bn, Intel faces yet another lawsuit. $1095.05 for an ounce on the London Tuesday that seemed to imply that the media really assisted a little bit [by] to “allow Lord Sugar’s celebrity to dis- This time it has been filed by New market, after the Indian Central Bank small businesses hit hard by the re- not talking about the recession.” Lord tract him from the absolutely desper- York’s Attorney General Andrew Cuo- purchased 200 tonnes of the precious cession should not be complaining. Sugar offered small enterprises more ate message this sends.” Showing the mo, following a two year investigation. metal from the International Monetary “I can honestly say a lot of problems conciliatory words by claiming that full force of his party’s wit he added, “if Presumably soon-to-be-Governor Cuo- Fund. The purchase is the latest of many you hear from people who are moan- they do not need to be told that times he cannot get this, the Prime Minister mo is accusing Intel of “illegal threats... moves made in recent years by emerging ing are from companies I wouldn’t are tough. “It’s the businessman, err, or must tell him ‘you’re fired’.” bribery and coercion.” The alleged market governments to diversify out of lend a penny to,” said Lord Sugar, who victims are manufacturers of personal the US dollar. has recently become the government’s computers who Intel apparently tried to enterprise advisor. “They are bust and intimidate into buying its chips instead they don’t need the bank - they need an of those made by its rivals. This would Shanghai to get Disneyland insolvency practitioner,” he added. have been a novel marketing strategy, The Federation of Small Businesses but its effectiveness is doubtful given defended small firms struggling to the size of most PC manufacturers. After more than a decade of plan- survive under current conditions by Intel responded that the lawsuit was ning and negotiations, Disney has an- claiming that small businesses “live in “just plain wrong...consumers, who have nounced that it will be opening Shang- the real world, not Disney World, and consistently benefited from lower prices hai Disneyland in 2014. they lie at the heart of our economy”, and increased innovation, are not being The new park will be built at an es- adding that “they are not moaners and served by the decision to file a case now.” timated cost of £2.2bn and will be the fact is they are working hard in dif- The details of the case are even more China’s second Disneyland. There are ficult times and they need help from bizarre. Intel’s super-awesome plans concerns it may be competing with the our banks.” Lord Sugar’s criticisms of to dominate its market were undone other one already operating in Hong the ‘moaners’ comes amidst his calls for by its staff mentioning them in emails. Kong. China already has 5,000 loca- people to stop discussing the recession. The ‘bribery and coercion’ turn out to tions selling official Disney merchan- When asked about how the UK can get have been cash-back offers. The ‘illegal dise. This will be the fourth Disneyland out of it, he argued “ah £$%^&* can we threats’ were to withdraw these offers if outside the US, after Tokyo, Paris and get off this bloody recession kick once the manufacturers switched suppliers. Hong Kong. 12 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 ScienceScience EEditorsditors NNathanathan LLeyey & BBrigetterigette AAtkinstkins SCIENCE [email protected] Disgraced stem cell researcher sentenced for bioethics violation Woo-Suk Hwang, the South Korean cloning pioneer faces a two year suspended sentence but is cleared of fraud

EEliotliot BarfordBarford Science Reporter to retract the paper and validate it im- hadn’t stolen the money. mediately, stubbornly blaming its er- How did Hwang escape the fraud rors on his team. SNU quickly rebutted charge after so many lies? The defence Last Monday, disgraced South Korean him with its preliminary finding that argued that the companies who funded stem cell researcher Woo-Suk Hwang none of the cell lines were clones of him weren’t defrauded because they was sentenced to two years in jail, sus- patient tissues. PD Notebook’s second hadn’t expected any direct financial pended, convicted of violating bioeth- programme was allowed to air and Sci- reward. ics law and embezzlement though ence officially retracted the paper. In What is the result of this sorry story? cleared of fraud. Supporters are over- January 2006, the SNU investigation’s The effects on scientific process have joyed that he escaped actual jail time final conclusions were announced: nei- been profound, with ethical assessment but others in the community aren’t so ther the 2004 nor 2005 paper was sci- and peer review practices updated and pleased. How did the man once titled entifically valid. tagalong co-authorship like Schatten’s Supreme Scientist find himself nar- Hwang maintained he could clone looked upon less fondly. Ironically, an rowly escaping gruel meals, as his case human embryos within six months, tore apart Korean nationalism? And but never did. Subsequently, a bioeth- where do mass human egg donations ics committee confirmed Hwang and the Russian mafia fit into it all? forced egg donations from his staff – Four years ago Hwang was a national in fact he went through 2221 eggs at- $3million (US) hero, but one of humble origins: born tempting to clone humans, not 427. during war into rural poverty, the val- Only in March 2006 did he finally ad- ue of cattle spurred him to enter vet- mit forcing his subordinates to forge The amount Woo-Suk erinarian research. His earliest noted results. Until that time he insisted his Hwang is charged with achievement was the production of colleagues must have been to blame. Korea’s first IVF cow in 1993, followed Swiftly, his ESC research license was embezzling during the course in 1999 by its first cloned cow and in revoked and SNU fired him. In May of his stem cell research 2002 by cloned pigs. In 2003, he pro- his arduous trial began, investigat- duced a cow resistant to BSE. Such ing charges of violating bioethics law, accomplishments garnered him an im- embezzling 2.8 billion won (US$3 mil- pressive reputation, with one caveat: lion) and fraudulently using false data independent group concluded in 2007 not one of them was supported by a to apply for research funding. The case that Hwang’s fake cloned embryos were peer-reviewed journal article. has since dragged on for 40 months in fact world-first human parthogenet- By 2004 he was running a huge and through 60 witness testimonies and 43 ic embryos (those developed from un- intensely driven lab: it’s said that he judicial hearings. fertilised eggs), a considerable achieve- got into the lab at 6:00am and laboured Hwang’s embezzlement is perhaps ment in itself. right through until midnight, always more astounding than his forgeries. He Who can say what Woo-Suk Hwang’s the first and last there out of 125 peo- laundered government cash through motivations were? Even his harshest ple. No wonder his marital life was relative’s bank accounts and spent it on critics agree on his talent, but opinion strained. Nonetheless, the publication eggs, donations to politicians and gifts is divided on his nature – over-keen of excellent work seemed inevitable. for his wife. Most bizarrely, he actually researcher or devious manipulator. To That year the team released a paper cited dealings with the Russian mafia this day no one has conclusively derived in Science that changed the face of as part of his defence: he had tried to a cloned human embryo. Some have embryonic stem cell (ESC) research, It is thought the judge was lenient on sentenceing Woo-Suk Hwang (above) to purchase mammoth remains on the speculated that the judge was lenient to purporting to have created the first allow him a chance to repair his reputation as an outstanding scientist black market in the hopes of cloning an allow him a chance to repair his reputa- cloned human embryos using somatic extinct beast. Unable to get receipts for tion – perhaps Woo-Suk Hwang has a cell nuclear transfer (SCNT). SCNT those transactions, he couldn’t prove he few more surprises up his sleeve. involves inserting the nucleus of a so- eggs – the success rate is tiny. Creating of his lab, implying he had coerced matic (body) cell into an empty egg Dolly the sheep took 277 eggs, while them. Such practices were illegal under cell. It’s notoriously difficult to execute, Hwang claimed success with 242. new bioethics law as well as unaccept- and labs outside Korea failed mainly In 2005, the Hwang lab released a able internationally. because they couldn’t acquire enough second groundbreaking paper, this Suddenly, two days later Hwang time cloning 11 embryos using just 185 called a press conference and con- eggs. The community was astounded; fessed both to paying for eggs and tak- Hwang’s status soared. Two months later ing them from members of his group. he became the first to clone a dog: Snup- Accordingly, he resigned most of his py, an (adorable) Afghan Hound. Before positions, but promised to continue 43 hearings long he was raised to the dizzy heights of research. Supreme Scientist and appointed head Yet his fall from grace wasn’t over. The case has dragged on for of the World Stem Cell Hub. Word got out that the producers of PD 40 months and gone through But even before the second paper, Notebook had run tests on Hwang’s questions had been brewing. A May stem cell lines, showing some were 60 witness testemonies 2004 article in Nature first queried not actually derived from the tissues the team’s egg sources, catching onto he claimed they were. Hwang’s con- widespread rumours among Korea’s siderable support in Korea erupted in young researchers. On 11th November response, organising huge drives for 2005, Gerald Schatten, an American women to pledge their eggs directly for co-author on the 2005 paper, informed his research and causing the indefinite Science that he was no longer collabo- cancellation of PD Notebook. 2221 rating with Hwang, believing he had However, within days Hwang’s in- acquired eggs inappropriately. On the stitution, Seoul National University The actual number of eggs 21st, Sung-Il Roh, a fertility expert who (SNU), announced an investigation. used in an attempt to supplied Hwang with eggs, admitted Schatten requested his name be re- some of them were paid for. The next moved from the 2005 paper. Then, clone the first human, not day, a probing TV programme called without warning, Roh declared 9 of the the 427 initially calimed PD Notebook aired a show accusing 11 cell lines to be fabricated. Hwang Snuppy (right) pictured with the the three-year old donor Afghan whose skin Hwang of taking eggs from members denied falsifying results but promised cells, taken from the ear, were supposedly used to clone him felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 13 [email protected] SCIENCE

Success for Imperial at annual iGEM competition Imperial team finishes 4th overall and wins the award for best manufacturing project with “The E.ncapsulator”

NNathanathan LLeyey Science Editor tion is intense and is a commitment acidic environment present in the not undertaken lightly. The team stomach” is recruited before Christmas and In an email sent out to life sciences The iGEM competition (international preparation involves a summer long undergraduate students the life scienc- genetically engineered machine com- UROP placement to push the project es iGEM advisors, Paul Freemont and petition) is an annual event which this along. Geoff Baldwin, said "This is a fantastic year took place at MIT between the This year’s project was titled "The achievement given the growing size 31st october and 2nd November. 112 E.ncapsulator", a platform through of the competition and illustrates yet teams from universities all over the which therapeutics can be reliably again what great undergraduate stu- world partook in the competition, and targeted to the intestine, an attrac- dents we have at Imperial". I would like so 4th can be considered a fantastic tive area of research for commercial to echo these sentiments with those of achievement. The team consisted of pill development by pharmaceutical my own and say that these students are undergraduates from Bioengineering companies. a credit to our university and deserve and Life sciences, and they were: Dine- The project description on the web- infinite praise. ka Khurmi, David Roche, Kun Xue, site claims “The inspiration behind Royah Vaezi, James Field Tianyi Wang, The E.ncapsulator was the inherent Nuri Purswani Ramchandi and Charles difficulty in delivering protein phar- Right: The mechanism behind “The Fracchia. maceuticals to the gut. Due to the deli- E.ncapsulator” which came 4th out of Preparation for the iGEM competi- cate nature of proteins and the highly 112 entries at the event FACING THE ANNUAL ENEMY IT’S THAT TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN AND SHUPAULA DASS IS DECLARING WAR ON THE FLU VIRUS

hen we think of ments sake, there are 10, each one no prisoners’ policy. As we enter the war, images of slightly genetically different from the winter months, the incidence of swine guns, blood, guts next by one base pair. Five of those flu has almost doubled to 53,000. The W and soldiers shout- are killed off by our immune systems head of flu planning at the NHS has ing ‘Yes Sir!’ usually kicking in straight away. Warning stated that the health service should ensue. History is full of it, man against bells sound, a fever follows, they die, ‘be prepared’. man. However, there’s a non human and we survive. That is round 1 and Sir Liam Donaldson, the govern- enemy whom mankind has been bat- there are still 5 remaining. We then go ment’s chief medical officer, says the tling against for hundreds of years. to the doctor who prescribes us some projected total deaths for this winter Also, brace yourself- it can turn you to drugs that help kill off 3 of these mu- has dropped from 19,000 to 1,000. its side with little more than a sneeze. tant strains. End of round 2 and still This is less than the seasonal flu which Of course, it’s the flu (for those of you there are 2 remaining mutants. It is has an estimated fatality of 6,000 to believing this article would be about these 2 that have survived through 8,000. Predator-sorry.) natural selection, adapted to our de- Luckily for us, we have a few tricks Humans are involved in an evolu- fenses and evolved. It is possible for up our sleeves too to counter-attack tionary war with the flu. The first rec- swine and common flu. We are able ognized pandemic started in Asia in to adapt and survive just like our vi- 1580 and reached Europe within six The first pandemic ral enemies. Vaccinations are a vital months. The worst pandemic in his- weapon in this evolutionary arms tory was the 1918 Spanish flu, which started in Asia in race. Parrying their attacks year af- totted up a fatality count of at least 20 ter year, with deaths, human immune million. But these are all old statistics; 1580 ... should we systems are still able to outwit their should we still be concerned about the opponents. Annually scientists toil seasonal phenomenon? in labs to predict the evolution of the Yes. The modern day influenza is as still be concerned next prominent flu strain and develop wily as ever, killing hundreds of thou- an effective vaccine that will minimize sands every year. Sometimes referred about the seasonal casualties. to as RNA viruses, it can be split into There are ways that the public can three genera; Influenza A, B and C. phenomenon? impede the spread of flu. For example, A virus can only survive by replicat- keeping distance from infected peo- ing within living cells. As they have these viruses to mix with other strains ple, sneezing and coughing into tis- short generation times and high mu- and survive. sues, washing hands thoroughly and tation rates, the flu can evolve quickly The swine flu has been such a char- avoiding touching your nose, eyes and to avoid our defence systems. Natural acter. The strain of H1N1 belongs to mouth. selection allows for those viruses that the flu genus A. Upon analysis it was Unfortunately there is no estimate to survive to adapt quickly and suc- found to be composed of four differ- how long this arms race will continue cessfully replicate, increasing their ent types of flu: North American swine or how fatal it will be. As Napoleon numbers. and avian influenza, human influenza once said, ‘victory belongs to the most Imagine a production line of the and Asian/European swine influenza. persevering’ or just those that avoid flu virus inside our bodies. For argu- This potent mongrel virus has a ‘take bestiality. Forget ‘catch it, bin it, kill it’, the Imperial College fencing teams have it covered 14 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 Interfaithing across Imperial College felix meets some members of the new Imperial College Interfaith team to find out what this new movement is all about! We talk about why this society will soon play such a prominent part of university life

Felix: Hi guys, nice to meet you all. I un- of the world, whilst maintaining our re- Time, how do you think your initiative May: The launch event especially will if we pooled all of these talents? The fun- derstand this is a new initiative and that spective identities. fits in with the model of Britain today? give people the opportunity to learn the draising for charity could be incredible… your first event is called UniFaith: Road details of different faiths from the practi- And think about what a message it sends to Dialogue. What does UniFaith mean? Andrew: In fact, to their credit, the new- Andrew: I like to think that university is tioners of that faith, or from the “horse’s out – a united community, working to- ly formed interfaith committee consists a microcosmic representation of the rest mouth”, rather than from other unreli- gether, for the benefit of their brothers Andrew: Hi Felix! Well, when we came of individual representatives from each of the world. And the way we organise able sources. In fact, active dialogue with and sisters in humanity! together to decide a name for the launch faith society. This way, all faiths are ad- things at university, is the way would like the members of a certain faith will only event, we were struggling to find a short, equately represented on the committee, to shape the world and how we fit into it. serve to remove any possible misconcep- Andrew: Of course, in the near future punchy and diverse title that encom- giving each faith society an equal taste of Quite clearly, the ICI sets out to include tions and potential source of prejudice. we have events too… They may include passes the depth of our initiative. But our the interfaith experience. people of all backgrounds in a diverse a dialogue in the incredible location of searching was satisfied once we came up Britain by respecting their identities, rec- Felix: Sometimes within a discussion, the Bedouin tent pitched outside at St with UniFaith. The “Uni-“ denotes the Felix: Interfaith dialogue can be seen to ognising the ability for living together in we find we don’t always have the answers Ethelberga’s Centre for Reconciliation in UNIfying aim of our initiative – to unite be a confusing thing. Many times people peace, whilst still being able to encounter to certain issues, either due to lack of the City, interfaith sports tournaments, all faiths behind common aims they en- are afraid of being converted, being chal- objective discussion. knowledge or insight. Will this be prob- visits to other local places of worship, dorse, but which faithful individuals may lenged about their beliefs or of interfaith lematic in interfaith discussion? and a sacred object tour of the V&A mu- forget to exercise. attempting to create a new religion alto- Yousuf : We believe that diversity is a seum in South Kensington. gether. How will Imperial College inter- driving force for unity. It’s a little daft to Yousuf : Without an initiative like Im- Yousuf: These common aims are moral- faith combat these misconceptions? suggest that the inhabitants of an area perial Interfaith, it can potentially, yes, May: Other exciting events include dia- ity and humanity – the betterment of can only be of one particular race or because people may get confused or logues on more controversial topics like society. Of course the “Uni-“ suffix can Andrew: This movement is nothing to one particular background, and to base emotional, and the discussion may turn gender role, and events where members also represent university and universal, do with conversion or challenging each one’s sole principle upon this ludicrous into something quite ugly. But our group can discuss and share articles of faith manifesting the student, and all-encom- other or creating any form of new reli- notion. 150 years ago, it was rare to see facilitates appropriate “ethics of discus- such as different scriptures. passing nature of Imperial Interfaith. gion! It’s about the unification of society, people from different 8 faiths living to- sion” so that nobody is at fault to say about learning to understand and ac- gether. But now whilst it is a reality, we “actually, I don’t have an answer to that Felix: Finally, what about people of Felix: But there are already so many cept other beliefs and practices – using hope to make the most of it and reap question” or “I would need to read up no faith? Are they still included in this faith societies at Imperial College, why is dialogue and discussion as the means to only benefits from its existence. more to get back to you on that one.” initiative? it that you have created an interfaith so- achieve this. ciety? Surely faith societies can co-exist Felix: So what are the main goals of the Andrew: Yousuf’s right – in fact some- Andrew: Of course. In fact, it is perfect already? Yousuf : The variety of backgrounds at initiative? times, the conclusion of a discussion for a person with no faith. ICI provides university should not allow us to lose may be that it is inconclusive... But by no a great opportunity to learn about any Yousuf : You’re right, of course; faith so- the identity of our faiths and principles. Andrew: There are a number of goals means does it mean that it was done in faith for the first time, from first hand cieties can and do co-exist. But whilst the Therefore, the first aim of interfaith is we aim to achieve through this forum. vain! In contrast, we often find that the sources and in as much depth as you union faith societies have a crucial role in the acknowledgment of the different One goal is to facilitate unity between pathway of the discussion and the devel- want – without feeling pressurised into taking up the influx of freshers and culti- faiths, and the respect for individuals the faiths on campus behind common opment of thought and understanding is believing in any of them! vating their religious identity and beliefs, that have made a choice in life to believe aims and objectives where possible. an invaluable gift to walk away with. we as faithful individuals may sometimes how the world works in a certain way. This mainly arises from recognizing the lose sight of the bigger picture and forget Objective and polite discussion, which is similar traits and principles between all Felix: What other events do Imperial that there are people of other faiths in the modus operandus at our events, can faiths, and as a result making a bigger College Interfaith have planned? this world too! Sometimes, we see peo- always prevent faithful people from los- impact on the campus, and eventually ple passing through university, wonder- ing their identity. the world, to create a positive change to- Yousuf : Well, there are a few things in fully engrossed in their faithful practices, wards a greater good. the pipeline. A long term aim still yet completely failing to interact with May: I would go so far as to say interfaith remains to be combining the other faiths around them. This can be a strengthens one’s own beliefs! Learning Yousuf : Another important aim is to talents of this university’s faith very sad situation, because you end up about the similarities and differences encourage dialogue and further the societies in an Interfaith Char- losing out on dialogue – one of the most between yours and other faiths actually knowledge of each other about different ity Week. I mean, imagine the fruitful opportunities of university life. plays a role in reinforcing your own be- faiths. This enables us to understand and amount of money we could liefs, simply because you increase your accept differences, as well as highlight raise if we could utilise the col- May: By having an interfaith forum at understanding of why you believe in similarities. It’ll help us to understand lective talents of the students re- Imperial, we can ensure that there is what you believe. And of course, through why other faiths practice and behave the sponsible for say East Meets West, much interaction, and of the appropriate gaining closeness to God’s creation, your way they do, and will give scope for us Mega Malai, ISoc Charity Week to and respectable nature, between differ- brothers and sisters in humanity, you in- to agree to disagree in an objective and name but a few… All of these en- ent faith groups on campus... People may crease your closeness for their creator. ethical manner. Of course in some cases deavours have raised hundreds of ask why but the answer’s simple: so that I’m sure we’ll learn that our beliefs are in thousands of pounds for charity and we can finish our journey in university as Felix: In light of the recent fiasco with fact in harmony. all have spawned from different faiths learned and open-minded ambassadors the BNP’s appearance on Question societies – imagine what would happen

Ahlul Bayt Society Sara Maki Bahá’í Society Jean-philippe Aoussou Buddhist Society Bryan Chia Catholic Society Nicholas Church Christian Union Nathan Sherwood Every Nation Christian Society Jonathon Wright Interfaith Co-ordinator – Interfaith Co-ordinator – Mohammedabbas Khaki Yousuf Salmasi Hindu Society Harsita Patel It has long been a dream of mine I’ve spent my years at Imperial Islamic Society Obadah Ghannam to find a platform whereby involved in faith and cultural our community can be united; societies. I think that our quest Jain Society Amar Shah: where we can celebrate our becomes far more fruitful similarities, understand and and accelerated once we ‘Live and let Live’ (Mahavir Swami) accept our differences, and acknowledge diversity and Jewish Society Yoni Weiner unite under the common bond interact with those from so of humanity. many other belief backgrounds. Sikh Society Govindpal Singh Kooner

16 felix FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2009 CULTURE & ArArtsts Editors Rosie Milton, Caz Knight & Lucy HarroldHarrold THE ARTS [email protected]

Pop Life: I’m a Cosy in the Cocoon Aspiring physicist Rox Middleton and mathematician Matthew material girl Colvin find themselves taken with Biology

CCazaz KnightKnight Arts Editor he Natural History Mu- also looks directly into the labs and of- seum means a great big fices where the real work takes place. dinosaur. We all know The beautiful exhibits of specimens irst of all, a huge thanks are Is consumes the TM’s turbine hall with T that. Well hold onto your for which the museum is known really owed to all the arts felix writ- its presence and makes for an at first fossils amigo, because come into their own here. In the big ers who have contributed to eery and then extremely fun experi- there’s a new exhibition in town that’s white spaces even the most mundane F this section already this term ence, albeit lasting under 5 minutes. set to change this, well, muddied in- offerings of nature are gorgeous and after only a month. I am in Next to each other on the fourth terpretation. We were lucky enough easy to examine closely. There are also my fourth year of working for felix an floor are Pop Life: Art in a Material to take a tour around the Museum’s a few tantalising tidbits of information never before have I seen so much en- World and Pure Beauty, a retrospec- newly opened Darwin Centre and its about some displays but they definitely thusiasm and interest to contribute. tive of John Baldessari’s work. After ominous sounding ‘Cocoon’ – actually leave you wanting much more detail. So much so that many articles have to strolling serenely and unmolested by a beautiful feat of architecture with an Fortunately help is at hand in the form This interrupted the fascinating cyber- wait an issue to be put in on account of tourists through the latter, the former’s intriguing purpose to boot. Looking of a nifty little swipe card feature, al- happenings; all very irritating – but the limited space! bustling and heady mix of pounding a little like the Gherkin crossed with lowing you to collect information on there’s plenty to look at so you can take I have also been pleasantly surprised music, wall floor and ceiling colour some sort of monstrous egg, it’s as if various aspects of the exhibition that your time and watch something else; by the quality of the writing and depth and separate ‘adults only’ section (read: you’re entering a Bond Villain’s secret you would like to research further back or alternatively bring along a threaten- of insight especially from people who the Jeff Koon porn room) is a stark lair – all clinical white walls and mass- online at home (though it remains to ing weapon. have professed to knowing nothing contrast and feels more like a chinese es of laboratory space. But this new be seen whether detailed information If you’re reading this and thinking about art and who claim to have never shopping mall at times. For those who building wasn’t made with the intent of on Welsh Groundsel will take priority that it definitely isn’t your cup of tea – written before. Please keep it coming. haven’t experienced the People’s Re- destruction, but instead preservation. over Facebook any time soon). Some- or kettle of fish, or whatever – a rethink As Rosie said last week, autumn is public, this means bright lights, abra- The Cocoon is home to an enormous thing that also sets this place apart is highly recommended. This isn’t just definitely the hottest time of the cul- sive volume levels and enough flashing collection of British botanical and in- from other exhibitions is the vast of interest for biologists, it could be of tural year with far too many plays and lights and colour to induce epilepsy. sect specimens, housed in massive amount of interactivity. Many, many interest to anyone. If drawers of insects galleries to fit into the busy schedules Completely different to any exhibi- environment-controlled storage. Built touch screens can be found, offering or butterflies aren’t your thing, then of two masters students. tion I’d ever experienced, I cherished for the Natural History Museum’s 20 detailed yet concise information about the depth of detail into what keeps a Over the course of last weekend Ro- our brief visit for its originality and million plant and insect species, the myriad aspects of the Cocoon. museum running might well be. And sie and I used our press privileges to its ability to drive home the banal top few floors of the building are open Of course, with this interactivity be- anyway, if it kept an aspiring physi- take in two separate exhibitions at the commericalism that pervades various to the public as a fascinating exhibition ing hugely responsive, we found that cist and mathematician interested for Tate Modern, only after delving into forms of art today. detailing the everyday life of scientists the majority of screens and films were about 45 minutes, then there’s simply the darkness inside a huge steel box. Watch this space next Friday for who work at the museum collecting, soon stopped by children (and adults) no reason why you wouldn’t have a Polish artist Miroslaw Balka’s How It those reviews and enjoy this week’s! preserving and identifying. Each floor mashing their fists onto the tables. good time either! Very painful youths in twenties Vienna Looking for a pretentious night out? Look no further than the existential Pains of Youth, says Rox Middleton

his is a play about stu- dialogue. What with all that, the excel- unspeakably cool, so I’ll leave the inter- dents who spend a lot of lent set and epochs of twelve tone mu- pretation to you. time together, work hard, sic, it’s fantastically atmospheric and Altogether it’s a very enjoyable night T like to get drunk and talk intense. These people know how to out and if you’re feeling pretentious about the Big Questions make a scene, but there are also loads yourself, or looking for a play about and become infatuated with each of genuinely funny lines and farcical pretentious young people (inc. urgent other in various combinations. While moments (which no doubt highlight self-obsession/earnest sense of futil- expressing their respective feelings life’s absurdity). The awkward young ity), this is certainly one for you. For about said Big Questions, they also maid (Sian Clifford), who is slowly everyone else, I think it’s too far re- take themselves incredibly seriously. I transformed into a loveably naive pros- moved from the real world. While the don’t know whether that sounds like titute, is especially funny. misery of youth is overpowering, it something you could relate to. Laura Elphinstone and Lydia Wil- is also pointless. Although this is the So it’s supposedly about students like son’s characterisations are also particu- thrust of the play (existentialist, innit?) you. Well, maybe. These are medical larly good but personally I thought the it certainly takes its time getting there students after all. It’s also set in Vienna prop changes were absolutely brilliant. and meanwhile it might be better all in 1923 and is pretty damn existential- Modern people in sharp suits carry round if they just got a life and thought ist, which manifests itself in much talk items onto stage wrapped in enormous about someone else for a change. about the futility of life and suicide. As sheets of plastic with lots of blue lights After the massive cultural upheaval the title indicates, it attempts to cap- and loud, tense music, during which all that was swilling about all over Vienna ture the disease of being young, thus is the characters freeze in the dark. I re- at the time, it’s quite likely that these filled with awkwardness and disjointed ally have no idea why, except that it is particular ridiculous post-adolescent emotions were far more important than modern ones. However, that doesn’t change the fact that they are still boringly self-involved young peo- ple. The pains of youth are captured incredibly well by the director but, to be honest, if you’re living the dream already you probably don’t need to watch a play about it.

Pains of Youth is on at the National Theatre until 21 January 2010 Tickets start at £10 Katie Mitchell’s Pains of Youth is on at the Cottleslowe theatre at the NT felix FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2009 17 [email protected] ARTS Fantasy and magic amid natural history Christopher Self finds himself spellbound by nature at this year’s Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition

t was my understanding that every photograph is a little anecdote ing her mother, it is transformed into the realm of fantasy, something I’m Iberian grey wolf jumping a fence into wildlife photography involves written by the photographer about the something spectacular. not sure is really what was aimed for, Spanish farmland. You really have to lots of waiting around, sitting image and a little bit of background Wildlife photography often has a particularly in a contest considering see the picture to get a true sense of the I hoping that Mother Nature will on the animal, or the encounter, or touch of the fantastical about it: a the majesty of the natural world and, of magical feel it possesses; it looks as if smile on you and all the unpre- the location. And these charming lit- magical air, as if looking into a different course, carrying the implied message it’s been lifted from the pages of a fairy dictable little elements will come to- tle titbits really do add a lot. They give world, a world more incredible than that this world really deserves saving tale. But this is balanced against the re- gether to create a nice composition. If you a sense of the incredible acciden- any fiction. There is no shortage of this from the great modern evils such as ality of the persecution of these same that really is what it comes down to I tal stories you are witnessing unfold. in this year’s exhibition; the technique climate change. If the images looks too wolves owing to the effect they have can’t imagine the hours, days and years For example, the story of the fighting of backlighting the images for presen- cinematic, too make-believe, it is diffi- on farmer’s livestock, which they hunt that must have been invested to bring tigers – in itself an incredible image, tation lends them an added sparkle of cult to associate them with real forests when food is scarce. The juxtaposi- us this year’s Natural History Museum captured perfectly. But along with the enchantment. This, for a small minor- and jungles that really do need saving. tion of the incredible beast against the Wildlife Photographer of the Year ex- knowledge that the brawlers are fight- ity of the work, perhaps detracts from This year’s winner encapsulates all of clearly unnatural elements of the farm- hibition. There’s probably three medi- ing territorially and the loser will never its purpose as wildlife photography, these various ideas perfectly. A photo land backdrop ensure that the meaning eval cathedrals in that room, that and stop returning, because she is fight- allowing them to be separated off into called The Storybook Wolf, it depicts an of the image never leaves your mind, enough luck to win the national lottery even as you admire the enchanted feel every week and fluke your way through ing it possesses. Meaning as well as be- exams all the way to graduation. ing an incredible picture, it leaves you That having been said there is abso- considering the effect on natural popu- lutely nothing lucky about the sheer lations when they quite literally collide quality of the work on display here. with human settlement. For those unaware, the Wildlife Pho- The whole thing doesn’t take a mas- tographer of the Year competition is sive amount of time to look around. an international showcase for the very You could probably do it over a lunch best of natural photography. It’s run time if you wanted, and now with a new, annually by the museum in conjunc- greener, sponsor there’s no real reason tion with BBC’s wildlife magazine and, not to go. A brief look at the combined currently enjoying its 45th year, has result of all that effort, which in its own long been considered the most prestig- way is much more striking and beau- ious competition of its kind. Winning tiful than those three hypothetical ca- it really is the ultimate recognition of thedrals ever could have been, it really your talent as a wildlife photographer is well worth the £4.50 entry fee. and this year’s entries show every bit of As with all NHM special exhibits that pedigree. the entrance to the exhibit is done on There are truly breathtaking images timed entry i.e. you book an entrance here, incredible examples of the split time and come back then to look second timings required, and photos around, which you may do for as long of all scales and from all parts of the as you like. world. Startling pictures such as that of an ant drinking a raindrop off a mar- row, a leopard darting face first down a tree, the light reflections playing off the The Wildlife Photographer of the Year individual feathers on a greenfinches exhibition now has a greener sponsor: chest, this list goes on. You could Veolia Environment. spend hours enjoying just the pictures themselves, but of course that would Until 11 April 2010 at the Natural His- be only half the magic. Along with The winning photograph, The Storybook Wolf, by José Luis Rodríguez tory Museum Brave Swedes, monsters & blood-shed As part of four days of events to celebrate Britain’s oldest folk legend, Caz Knight attends the British Museum to listen to three agile minds exploring the legacy of Beowulf

urrently on display in children’s author Michael Morpurgo The epic poem would have been of exactly what the poem would have disdain was shown for the 2007 film the British Library is a and performer Benjamin Bagby in an immortalised through the decades by sounded like one thousand years ago is version starring the gold stocking clad manuscript dating back evening celebrating this Anglo-Saxon “scops”, a breed of bardic storytellers in of no impediment to Bagby who com- Angelina Jolie as Grendel’s mother. So C one thousand years. Sur- epic. the Oral Tradition. However, there is pares the manuscript to a cubist paint- would it be possible to make a genuine- viving both Henry VIII’s Believed to be set in the 5th cen- much controversy about whether the ing: most of the interpretation is up to ly frightening film version of Beowulf? ransacking of the monasteries and a tury, the poem is set in both Sweden manuscript as it stands in the British us! Half spoken and half sung, the me- The only way to make it work as a film fire in 1731, the three thousand line and Denmark. The King of the Geats, Library was written by a contemporary ter comes alive through Bagby’s deep would be to strip to down to its bare manuscript has enabled the ancient Hrothgar, is plagued by Grendel and as a satire of the tradition or as a direct voice, accompanied by the atmospher- elements: no Hollywood glamour, low heroic poem of Beowulf to be passed sees his court at Heorot devoured ‘transcript’ of the poem. The precise ic playing of his lyre. Although sound- budget, black and white, Morpurgo re- on through centuries, to still be re- nightly by the monster. Hearing of his date that the poem was written down ing more Danish than Old English, plies to my question. vered today and cited as one of the distress, the Swede Beowulf travels to is subject to much speculation but is hearing the poem recited in such a way An event combining such rich dis- most significant works in Anglo-Saxon Denmark to rid the King of his men- most likely to have been between the was mesmerising. cussion brought so much to the enjoy- literature − and all this by chance. No ace. Beowulf is successful and slaugh- eight and eleventh centuries, written in Seamus Heaney and the wonderfully ment and appreciation of the legacy wonder, then, that arguments about ters Grendel without weapons but has the West Saxon and Anglian dialects of entertaining Michael Morpurgo’s read- − enough to make anyone lament the its origin, interpretation, significance to face Grendel’s mourning mother the Old English − the language in which it ings of their own translations (both decline in storytelling today. and descent down generations prevail following night. Again victorious, Be- would have been performed − using a translations retain the original meter) among literary scholars. Last Tuesday owulf returns to Sweden only to fight set poetic meter. were beautiful and hearing them aloud To see Bagby’s version of Be- was no exception when an audience a dragon who has been rudely awoken It is the role of scop that Bagby as- made this medieval world of monsters owulf: bagbybeowulf.com at the British Library and presenter by a thief in its gold filled lair. Beowulf sumes as he performs an excerpt of and heroes all the more tangible. The Go and see the 1000 year old Be- Michael Wood joined poet and No- is fatally wounded and dies a hero’s the poem: the bloodthirsty pillage of readings were followed by a discus- owulf manuscript at the British bel Prize winner Seamus Heaney, death. Heorot by Grendel. Having no idea sion amongst the panel in which much Library, King’s Cross, for free 18 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 Music Editors Alexandra Ashford, Kadhim Shubber & Luke TurnerTurner MUSIC [email protected] One to watch - Cosmo Jarvis I like rap music, osmo Jarvis is a puzzle to there I said it... say the least. The 19 year old C is by no means a ‘finished piece’. There’s too much raw KKadhimadhim SShubberhubber Music Editor creativity rushing about, leaving too many scuff marks lying around to re- late him, or his talent, to polished mar- ble. Truthfully, it’s not always fantastic told you there’d be a website thug sensibilities. He raps with preci- stuff, at times you find yourself wishing didn’t I? Make sure you check sion on all the facets of a thug’s life: jail, a lyric here or there had been tweaked. I it out, www.felixmusic.tk, and bitches, liquor, weed and death backed However, this is completely over- remember now you can tell us up with bumping & grinding G-funk shadowed by the powerful and play- quickly and easily what you think of grooves. He’s playful and thoughtful, ful imagination behind the charming, the articles by commenting, so let the always referring to his own death (not thoughtful and unconventional music. troll within you free (or you could a clue that he’s still alive, but a reflec- He’s puzzling because he seems una- criticize constructively, whatever that tion of the reality of his life) and while fraid to write songs in almost every means). Special thanks to our web-edi- he raps about being better than his en- style imaginable. Some songs mix tor Christopher Walmsley for all his ef- emies, his deft and smooth lyrical flow screaming punk vocals with quick-fire fort getting the website up. Also we’ve proves it. spoken word, while an eclectic mixture started a felix music group on last.fm. Even further back in time, The Last of banjo, blues guitar riffs and jazz pi- Every week, last.fm will calculate the Poets’ debut album titled The Last ano jump in, straight out of nowhere, general music taste of the Imperial stu- Poets, dating all the way back from the just when you thought you’d gotten dents in the group and from this we’ll 1970s, derides much of the behaviour to grips with his music. Sometimes create a top-40 of the most popular art- that 2Pac would later celebrate. This his music has a country-folk sensib- ists/tracks for Imperial. Sign up to last. group of poets and musicians basically litiy but at other times you wonder if fm, download the scrobbler and join created rap music and in doing so laid that’s not a little bit of reggae creeping our group last.fm/group/Felix+Music. bare the problems that the black com- in from the periphery. He seems per- Now onto the music: I’m heading munity faced. The fact that exhorta- fectly comfortable dipping in and out He’s wearing a hoody and not looking at the camera, he must be cool back a little this week. 2Pac’s double tions like “Wake up n***ers” weren’t of a range of genres and does so with album All Eyez on Me, released in heeded make this album all the more consummate skill and confidence. 1996, constitutes the epitome of 2Pac’s poignant. Lyrically, Cosmo Jarvis becomes where the line ‘clean my room and 3rd. He’s a prodigious talent, raw and even more puzzling. He’s constantly dump my girlfriend’ warps into ‘gonna unrestricted in subject matter nor style juxtaposing style, elegantly rhyming burn my room and kill my girlfriend’. and he even has a bloody sea shanty one line and then going off-kilter the Definitely puzzling and inarguably song about gay pirates who are made to felix music felix music next. Luckily the music provides a firm intriguing. walk the plank for their ‘sins’. It’s freak- backdrop in front of which the thread- It’s pretty much impossible to sum ing fantastic but unfortunately not like mental state of his characters are up this guy. He’s written about 300 on the album. Listen to this, his next hits the web! hits the web! displayed through the content and songs, his debut album is an 18 track project is a short film about a man who form of his lyrics. He revels in mixed double album, split between songs takes himself hostage. In short, my messages like in the chorus of “Sun- about pubescent desire (in all its im- head can’t deal with the reality of this Go to Go to shine and Dandelions”, ‘sunshine and mature glory) and songs about abusive guy existing. – Kadhim Shubber dandelions/ severed heads and blood,/ fathers and drunken mothers. He’s al- felixmusic.tk felixmusic.tk first love on a sunny island/ bodies in ready written his 2nd album, due for The double album “Humasyouhitch the mud”. Also in “Clean My Room” release in 2010 and is working on the & Sonofabitch” is out on the 16th

LILY ALLEN IT’S NOT YOU, Reviews IT’S ME THE CHEEK WE FELL TO ELIZA DOOLITTLE CAPITOL HUNG UP EARTH PARLOPHONE RECORDINGS A&M IN STEREO ALBUM ALBUM SINGLE ALBUM BREED  INSECTS ALBERT This record sounds like sonic sun- With a reputation that precedes itself, The sound of a young, laid-back band I expected something exciting from PRODUCTIONS shine. Muted guitars, tinkling pianos being reported as unlikely to feature in pulling melancholic indie pop from an electronic rock band consisting of ALBUM and crisp melodies meander through the album, “Who’d Have Known” does their arses – and they don’t care. If they the recent addition to U.N.K.L.E and a the delightful ‘Rollerblades’ whilst in feature. The recycled melody appears were ‘hung up’ by a rope around their contributor to QOTSA frontman, Josh Breed 77 are a Gibraltarian-born band contrast ‘Money box’ is an upbeat, ska- as the chorus, resembling the M&S neck they might have something more Homme’s stoner-rock Desert Sessions. currently based in the UK who fuse like finger to all things materialistic. advert. It is a rarity where Ms. Allen is to get excited about. Cheer up and take But the result is bland, generic and in their Pantera-inspired brand of heavy The lyrics give an edge to these buoy- not talking about drugs, sex or fame; a walk in the park. - Tom Jennings no way exciting. The vocals are soul- metal with flamenco, resulting in some ant pop songs with Eliza showing her merely the feeling of blossoming new less, the music is flat, and to be hon- interesting and genuinely original north London roots in ‘Police Car’ and love. She croons in her signature sick- est the songs are all extremely similar. songs. Aside from the typical endless ‘Go Home’. Comparisons with Regina ly-sweet voice and that London twang, It quickly becomes apparent that File’s soloing and soaring choruses, front- WEEZER Spektor and the better bits of Lily Al- all of the melodies allow a glimpse into RADITUDE new project shares the same flaws at- man Paul Isola makes the affair atypi- len could easily be made but there’s her domestic love-life. Reluctant to al- INTERSCOPE tributed to U.N.K.L.E.’s last album. Co- cal by effortlessly switching between no formula-driven lyrical nonsense low access to her private life, Ms. Allen RECORDS incidence? I think not. -Greg Power English and Spanish, as well as going here. Overall it’s an enjoyable, sunday- has turned this idea of young love on SINGLE from all-out growls to graceful sing- morning of a record. - Tom Hird its head by making a video for this song ELLIE GOULDING ing. Though there’s nothing particu- based on the act of kidnap by an obses- “(If you’re wondering if I want you to) UNDER THE larly new about the heavy riffs, there’s sive fan. - Joanna Cai I want you to” is an upbeat single from SHEETS enough diversity in song structure and the latest Weezer album consisting of POLYDOR ALICE IN CHAINS SINGLE tempo shifts to keep the average met- BLACK GIVES WAY brash drumming, pleasant melodies and al lover interested throughout. Plus TO BLUE the occasional percussion-led phrase of SINGLE DETACHMENTS there’s a bitchin cover of The Cranber- CIRCLES what can only be described as a nerd’s at- It can’t be said that this is original, but ries’ “Zombie”!! -Greg Power THISISNOTANEXIT tempt to rap. this electro-folk-pop sound has haunt- The second single from the AIC album SINGLE It features a playful acoustic guitar ing character. ‘Under The Sheets’, uses is disappointing if we consider the edgy theme behind the classic Californian electro sounds in a captivating way tell us what you darkness of the rest of the release. The This single oozes power, with a post- vocals of Rivers Cuomo; and although that will make you want to listen again, opening cello piece adds atmosphere but punk electric sound that resurfaces it probably won’t be a golden oldie even though it isn’t initially appealing. think, music.felix@ it feels like a throwaway track to secure memories of Joy Division. Sinister ee- in years to come, it makes for good Gentle dream-like vocals over thick airplay in the US. Unchallenging, slightly rie vocals, low-frequency drones and enough listening to at the present as synthesizers and hammering drums, a gmail.com whiny, reminiscent of (dare I say it) Nick- moments of glory. Not light listening, your standard Weezer song. quirky combination despite lack of real elback. Well, it’s not that bad. but a band to watch. -Luke Turner - Joanna Cai instruments. -Luke Turner felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 19 [email protected] MUSIC Live Cannibal Corpse @ KOKO Eliot Barford heads to Camden for a night of (not) moshing

ast Thursday, Cannibal who knows them (and if you’ve seen George gave his last words. The crowd Corpse brought death metal Ace Ventura, you’ve seen Cannibal pledged their support to death metal L to Camden. The city’s band Corpse) knows what to expect, suffice with a sea of devil horns and prepared t-shirt wearing, greasy-locks- to say it was insane. They’re touring on for “Hammer Smashed Face”. With flowing metalhead population turned a new album (Evisceration Plague) but the first power chord, the whole room out (I had a Mastodon top on) and they played a career-spanning setlist, turned into a seething mosh pit, and though KOKO wasn’t sold out, it was delving back to their debut for “Skull I allowed myself a frantic dash to the bustling inside. There were three sup- Full of Maggots” while thankfully front to adulate the band. It was an up- ports bands: Trigger the Bloodshed, drawing mostly from classics Tomb of lifting end to a crushing set. Annotations of an Autopsy and Dying the Mutilated and The Bleeding. I’m not sure Cannibal Corpse are Fetus. I made sure to get there for the The sound was good, but perhaps the band to convert new fans to death latter because (and please just forget the staff of the indie-kid nesting site metal, but there’s a reason they’ve sold the name) they are one of the most in- KOKO weren’t totally prepared for the well over a million records over twenty dividual extreme metal bands around. relentlessly bass-heavy storm and if years. That night was a true highlight Their relentless blasting between you weren’t into moshing (and I’m not) for metal in today’s London. catchy choruses had everyone in the you probably ended up further back mood when they finished. I honestly than you would have liked. Still, the at- think “Praise the Lord (Opium of the mosphere had a pleasant camaraderie, Cannibal Corpse Masses)” is the most danceable death and everyone responded to charismat- KOKO metal song on record. Yeah, danceable. ic lead-vocals George “Corpsegrinder” 29th October But we were there for the Corpse, Fisher’s banter with enthusiasm. ★★★★✩ and the Corpse delivered. Everyone Eventually, curfew came round and

Albums that you should know Fugazi Gregory Power looks at modern classics that shaped music today ‘The Argument’ Dischord an MacKaye has always been 1983 due to “musical differences”, ple guest vocalists and close friend Jer- something of a pioneer when it MacKaye formed the highly influential ry Brusher featuring on a second drum 2001 I comes to the world of music. First, and critically acclaimed band Fugazi, kit/percussions throughout the album, he formed the definitive – albeit drawing the name from a Vietnam War “The Argument” really stands out due short-lived – hardcore punk band Mi- acronym meaning “Fucked Up, Got to the alchemy between MacKaye’s nor Threat in 1980, setting a standard Ambushed, Zipped In”. Though pre- heavy, low-end riffs, Joe Lally’s Latin for punk bands the world over with a serving politically charged lyrics and a and dub-influenced basslines, and Guy high quality production album released DIY punk ethos, Fugazi expanded their Picciotto’s scratchy, high-pitched gui- subtle, dynamic range of vocals – illus- rambling of “Cashout”, all the way to on MacKaye’s own label, Dischord. music in new directions, creating an tar wails. Not only do the guitars on trated by the “Viva viva viva” chorus of the intricate guitar tapping on “Night- It’s at that time that he involuntarily entire sub-genre: post-hardcore. songs like “Epic Problem” intertwine the brilliant “Life And Lime”. hop”, there really is something for eve- spawned a movement he described as Whilst MacKaye was the main song- perfectly, but the vocals constantly Despite the complex start-stop beats ryone here. Sadly, “The Argument” “Straight Edge”; rejecting the “sex, drugs writer for the first few records, their complete each other: as MacKaye and sudden transitions from gentle was also Fugazi’s last album before and rock n’ roll” creed of the punk com- long-awaited sixth studio album “The shouts anthemic lead vocals at the top guitar chords to all out noise, this is their indefinite hiatus in 2002. But the munity and openly admitting to the “un- Argument”, released in 2001, is the of the lungs, forcing the listener to without a doubt Fugazi’s most acces- post-hardcore scene spawned by Fu- cool” healthy, vegan lifestyle he leads. work of four talented musicians at shout them back, Picciotto acts as a foil sible, catchy and melodic album. From gazi still thrives today, and MacKaye After Minor Threat’s break-up in their creative peak. Aside from multi- (inspired by hip-hop) favouring a more the simple post-punk riffs and innate remains as prolific as ever. :LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTINGS:: LISTINGS::

Friday Rush / Danny Byrd :: Matter :: Monday Wednesday Drum And Bass Airborne Toxic Event :: Shepherds Fionn Regan :: The Luminaire :: Folk Cymbals Eat Guitars :: Rough Trade Bush Empire :: Rock Hundred Reasons :: Barfly :: Rock East :: Experimental Pop Magnum :: Brixton Academy :: Saturday Shinedown :: HMV Forum :: Hard Just Jack :: Shepards Bush Empire :: Rock Rock DMZ (Skeam, Loefah, Coki...) :: Dancepop Hip-Hop Dead Prez :: KOKO Camden :: Colin Hay :: Bush Hall :: Acoustic The Mass :: Heavy Dubstep Political Hip-Hop Jarvis Cocker :: Village Roger Sanchez :: Ministry of Sound Viking Skull :: The Borderline :: Underground :: Britpop Alternative :: House Thursday Heavy Metal The Cheek :: Cargo :: Pop ENL :: 12 Bar Soho :: Indie Rock Sunday Muse :: O2 Arena :: Rocky Space Rock Goldilocks Effect :: Monto Water Biffy Clyro :: Brixton Academy :: Rats :: Alternative Brass Impact :: Tha Half Moon Pub Tuesday Progressive Rock Paul Rodgers :: Hammersmith :: Big Band Jazz Roots Mauva :: The Hospital (Endell Apollo :: Blues Rock Bloggers Delight :: The Lock Tavern The Flaming Lips & Cymbals Eat Street) :: Dub / Hip-Hop CKY & Special Guests :: Barfly :: Dance / Electro Guitars :: The Troxy :: Rock / Indie The Automatic :: New Slang @ Camden :: Rock / Experimental Home Grown :: O2 Islington Backstreet Boys :: O2 Arena :: McClusky’s :: Indie Rock Plump DJs :: Fabric :: Electro Academy :: American Rock Boyband Homosexual Pop Cosmo Jarvis :: Notting Hill Arts Club High Contrast / Beardyman / Ed Amon Amarth :: KOKO :: Metal Ash :: Corrib Rest :: Pop Rock :: Indie 20 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 MUSIC [email protected] Rodrigo Braga Imperial Talent Kitty Magic

odrigo Braga is a Brazil- o be honest, I didn’t think ian taught-postgraduate in that a bunch of third year the chemistry department T Mechanical Engineers could whose experience of paradise use forks and knives, never Rin the middle of the Pacific inspired mind make music but I stand cor- him to write his debut album about rected. Kitty Magic, consisting by Ed the fact that life really ain’t so bad. As Bishop, Tim Sadler, Ben Copping and inspiration goes, that’s pretty ace and Erik Forman are an indie-pop band the easy, beach-living coconut filled formed earlier this year who have re- world of the Pacific comes flowing out cently released their 1st EP “Avoid 10 of his melodic soul offerings. The mu- Rillington Place” and while their song sic fills the room and hangs about the “Never You Mind” strays dangerously air around you, never directly jabbing close to The Maccabees before they you in the face but instead creating an were good, “Bar Mitzvah Blues” dem- atmosphere of tangible warmth. “Eagle onstrates the band’s energetic talents Bay” is a prime example of this, wash- while “Small Town Trap” is a poignant ing away your troubled thoughts with a heart-grabbing tune. The band are ul- little latin-inspired guitar. He’s playing timately enjoyable and display a talent at Belushi’s the next two Wednesdays for song-writing but they hardly repre- so there’s ample opportunity to catch sent a re-invention of indie-pop music. him swooning with his Spanish guitar. That said, they’re good enough to bag His album “Between the Waves” is free a gig at The Hoxton Underbelly next to download from his website. www.rodrigobraga.co.uk www.myspace.com/kittymagic Wednesday, so what do I know?

Hush @ The Royal Albert Hall

performance at the Royal The latest to be added to London’s but unfortunately left with the crowd Albert Hall is usually no roster of gig venues is incredibly invit- with less to talk about. Although en- A quiet affair for both artist ing with its carpeted floors, soft light- joyable in an alarmingly background- and audience. This Thurs- ing and homely atmosphere. In a room music way, comparisons were drawn to day night saw the absence of crowds of that could pass off as your own living Kings of Leon, albiet without their at- people waiting on the grand staircase room, the walls are adorned by mount- tention-catching Southern twang that leading up to the Royal Albert Hall. ed canvases of musical legends. The is so evident throughout their tracks. Instead, a considerably smaller huddle Beatles, Pavaroti and James Brown are Finishing off the night was Alan could be found murmuring with some just a few of the artists silently survey- Pownall. His troubled demeanour set- Jose Vanders looks a little bit like a squirrel, no? I’m not being mean, they’re cute excitment within the second floor hall- ing the young acts on stage. tled quite differently from his skinny ways of London’s famous concert and First on was Jose Vanders; the teen- jeans, cardigan and closely cropped performance venue. ager seemed incredibly overwhelmed blonde hair. Unlike the previous two only glimmers of anything special that was split between sitting comfortably The Hush gigs are a revamped series and calm at the same time. However, artists on stage before him, he turned may place him apart from similar art- on the floor and standing uninhib- of small, intimate nights in the Edgar Her personality left more of an impres- many a head as he casually stepped ists in the catergory in which David ited at the back thanks to the free Room, which was previously a dining sion than her performance; her songs onto stage and introduced himself. Gray and John Mayer lay claim to. cloakroom. area. Hush invites newly-signed artists were decidedly samey and hovered He produced an impressive serenity in The informality of the night were in This Hush gig was truly saved by the to play in front of a mixed crowd that around the same subjects. the room with his acoustic guitar and stark contrast to Imperial College’s venue’s relaxing and friendly atmos- samples each sector of the gig-going Jonathan Jeremiah followed Miss. softy-straining voice. Despite a largely graduation ceremony held at the Al- phere. The cheap drink prices probably demographic. Vanders on stage after a short interval, satisfying performance, there were bert Hall the day before. The audience helped a little bit too. - Dan Wan

We are looking for HAYFEVER sufferers and NORMAL VOLUNTEERS to help with allergy research

If you are interested in taking part in research to help us understand the causes of nasal allergies and develop new forms of treatment, and if you are between 18 and 55 years old please contact us for more information:

[email protected] Andrea Goldstone – Clinical Research Nurse

Department of Allergy Royal Brompton & Harefield NHS Trust and NHLI Ethics Commitees Fulham Road, London SW3 6HP

The research has been approved by the Brompton Harefield & NHLI Research Ethics Committee felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 21 FilmFilm EEditorsditors ZZuzannauzanna BBlaszczaklaszczak & EEdd KKnocknock FILM [email protected] Lolapocalypse now (+ zombies) War children, it’s just a shot away in Johnny Mad Dog TTimim DaviesDavies ances from the main cast. Of par- on a deeper level with the characters, ticular note is Jesse Eisenburg in his whilst never seeming out of place. portrayal of the neurotic adolescent With the universal success of Shaun SStefantefan ZeemanZeeman General Never Die. We geeks love the zombie apocalypse. lead. One of the scenes in which he Of The Dead bringing horror com- The film illustrates the power of the If you’re a person who finds it difficult shines is a flashback to the moment his edy to the mainstream there have fearless child soldier. Cocaine is rubbed to interact with the outside world, it hot girl-next-door neighbour bursts been a raft of new films to the genre, Jean-Stephane Sauvaire’s new film into open wounds to frenzy the troops becomes less important if the outside through his door in need of comfort- with mixed reception. However Zom- Johnny Mad Dog is a passionate por- and to make them forget their hunger world is filled with people who just so ing. Flash forward to the next morning bieland has already become highest trayal of a war stricken African coun- and fatigue before combat. The fierce- happen to want to eat your brains, and and she’s zombied up and trying to eat grossing zombie film ever, overtaking try, told from the perspectives of two ness of the child soldiers is comparable your interaction amounts to smashing him, Eisenberg captures the pubescent the remake of Dawn of The Dead. And children at the front of the War, where to Fernando Meirelles’ brilliant City of their head in with a baseball bat. This awkwardness brilliantly. And yet Zom- it’s not without reason, Zombieland rape and murder is commonplace. One God (2003), where children with no geek appeal is played on to with great bieland’s comic thread is punctuated is a brilliantly funny take on the zom- of them is a child soldier for the ‘death future are forced into fighting for rival effect in the latest horror comedy flick by poignant moments of emotional in- bie apocalypse concept; a great script, dealers’, who calls himself ‘Johnny Mad gangs in the slums of Rio de Janeiro. Zombieland. tensity. These contrast brilliantly with great casting and solid direction make Dog’. The other is Laokole, a girl who In the broken world of war, all morals Zombieland tells the story of Colum- the light-hearted tone of the rest of the this an autumn release well worth has lost everything from the war. Their are lost. The self-named Johnny Mad bus (Jesse Eisenberg), who, in his past film and allows the viewer to connect checking out. paths intertwine throughout the tale, as Dog claims he has forgotten his origi- life was a World-Of-Warcraft-playing the war comes to a climax. nal name – and most likely all com- mountain-dew-drinking geek, but now The film is based on a book by Em- passion and ethics that came with it. he’s one of the few people around still manuel Dongola, who escaped the The encounters between Laokole and capable of speech. His talent for sur- Congo in 1997 when civil war broke Johnny Mad Dog show a more human vival is due to a set of “rules” which he out. The film is startling and brutally side to Johnny, as the captivating story follows, ranging from “beware of bath- violent from start to finish, as the drug unfolds. rooms” to “don’t be a hero”. Colum- fuelled child troops are sent to mur- The film is shot in a twitchy hand- bus begins the movie trying to make der and pillage under the command of held camera style (the latest fashion in the journey from his college campus General Never Die. cinematography), which some people in Austin Texas, to his family home Johnny Mad Dog is the leader of the may find disorientating, but does give in Columbus Ohio. Soon enough he small boys unit, and carves a path of the viewer a more down-to-earth look hooks up with patriarchal hard man savage violence throughout the coun- at the characters. character (Woody Harrelson) and try. His second in command, ‘No Good The soundtrack emphasises the sister pair Wichita (Emma Stone) Advice’ is younger and even more sa- coldness of an already gut-twisting and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), and distic than Johnny Mad Dog, and is tale. After the chilling final scene, you they journey together, albeit with their completely void of any human-like are left with Billie Holiday’s haunting own separate destinations. emotions or qualities. Along with the song ‘Strange Fruit’ alongside distress- The film is supremely funny. With rest of the unit, they are a killing ma- ing images of war that will leave you a great script and brilliant perform- Probably the most inconvenient time to forget where you put your keys chine, following orders blindly from speechless. Priests, Perverts and Passion The wierd and wonderful Japan through the eyes of Sion Sono

EEdd KKnocknock Film Editor shadows and we find another side period dramas of Kurosawa are com- to Japanese flms. With the recent bined with the Yakuza films of Fuka- spate of manufacturated ‘indie’ films saku (Battle Royale), mixed with ele- I mention Japanese cinema, you rolled off the hollywood production ments of Christian guilt, revenge and think The Ring, Godzilla and anime. line (Little Miss Sunshine, Juno etc.) an underlying theme of romance with True, the films of Miyazaki and co. it’s refreshing to watch a genuine a subtle slice of dark comedy. This film have been delighting us for years and alternative film and it is of no surprise will make you laugh, weep and cringe J-horror recently hit mainstream to me that it came from Japan. and at four hours long I was never once western theatres, however look Love Exposure takes all types of gen- bored. beneath the bright colours or dark res from Japan’s rich film heritage; the Directed by avant-garde poet/con- troversial filmmaker Sion Sono, Love Exposure is based around protagonist Yu in his search for his true love. When Yu’s beloved mother dies, his devout Catholic father Tetsu decides to be- come a priest. After a brief affair with a parishioner, Tetsu begins to force his guilt upon Yu by making him con- true intentions are revealed as the film Although Sono has amalgamated his fess his sins every day. Soon Yu finds progresses. nation’s iconic genres together he also himself deliberately commiting sins to The majority of the film is shot in draws on some Western inspiration confess to his a father and finds that close up and medium shots giving it too. The themes of crossdressing and the ultimate way to upset him is to be- a slightly documentary feel, includ- mis-identity continues Japanese direc- come a ‘hentai’ or pervert. ing faded ’home movie’ style footage tors’ love of Shakespeare (Kurosawa’s It’s not long before Yu is addicted to for the purpose of flashbacks. Sion epic Ran was an adaptation of King sin and trains in the art of ‘tosatu’, using Sono’s sense of pace is almost incred- Lear) and it’s impossible not to notice his newly learnt ninja skills to take up- ible, after starting the film with a gen- the resemblence of Koike and her gang skirt photos of girl’s underwear (for- tle coming-of-age (however twisted) to Alex and his Droogs from Kubrick’s tunately it seems that every girl in To- parable he kick starts the second half A Clockwork Orange. kyo wears really short skirts) until he with unlimited energy maintaing your So what has Sono produced? A film finds the panties of his true love! Enter attention right till the end credits. The of extraordinary storytelling which is Yoko- fierce, beautiful but man hating, cast assembled are mostly newcomers surprisingly accessible considering its who finds herself accidently attracted but pull off very polished performanc- running time. It gained great reviews to ‘Miss Scorpion’ who is Yu dressed in es with utmost sincerity, even when on the festival circuit (it won the Cali- drag as a dare from his friends. Unfor- debating the ethics of perverts. The gary award at Berlin) and now joins the tunately for Yu, Yoko finds him repul- soundtrack is an odd mix of western growing ranks of alternative Japanese sive and brands him a pervert. Whilst classical (Ravel’s Bolero), pop punk and East Asian films which blow any in the background lurks the mysteri- and electro which somehow perfectly of the ‘cutting-edge indie cinema’ from ous Koike and a creepy cult whose compliments the film. America out of the water. 22 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 Fashion Editor KawaiKawai WongWong FASHION [email protected]

An upcoming superstar News Strip

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Fashion Reporter

Britain’s own CDFA Fund

The British Fashion Council, in collaboration with Vogue has launched X’mas Dream a £200,000 fund to help young British KKawaiawai WWongong Fashion Editor talent. Alexandra Shulman, editor of British Vogue, promises financial and business support to designers who are based here. ’ve embarked on a journey to find an outfit that will break the bank I (it’s Christmas!), and make me Karolina Kurkova is a new mum look like a diva. I can only take advice from Carine Roitfeld or Franca Congratulations to supermodel and Sozzani - mix it, match it, rock it and previous VH1 Model of the Year, Karolina never forget to romanticise it. Kurkova, who gave birth to a healthy Mark Fast = Clothesgasm. I’m com- baby boy last week. pletely smitten with this skirt. Totally romantic, totally 20s glam. Next - rock and roll. Adding safety KKawaiawai WongWong Fashion Editor lection have used Swarovski crystals, The best Scottish designer pins to my cotton biker jacket is some- pearls, feathers and leather to max- thing I tried to do, but this has failed to imise dimensions. The feathers give a Deryck Walker has won the Designer yield any success so far. How do these The 28 year old MA graduate from more feminine touch to his typically of the Year award for the second year crazy Moschino ateliers do it? Straight Central St. Martins, Mark Fast, is detonatable dresses. The beads cer- running at the Scottish style awards. and neat? definitely a star to watch. His designs tainly give a somewhat 1920s touch to Founder of the Scottish style awards, Next - fetish. How about a pair of have redefined the meaning of sexi- the modernist collection, which also Mary Mcgowne, said that the awards 12-inch, totally unwearable, but totally ness; his clingy numbers feature stra- featured a dress beautifully decorated “very much represented the face of fabulous shoes from Alexander Mc- tegically placed holes that give a new with conically folded fabric. modern Scotland.” Sophie Ellis-Bextor Queen’s SS10 RTW? I don’t care if the meaning to subtlety. Besides the clothes, Mark Fast hosted the evening. pair snap my feet in half, I don’t care Arguably difficult to wear, his crea- caused controversy over the use of if they are more expensive than bailing tions are strangely addictive. Every three size 14 models on his recent cat- out 10 banks- they are worth it. dress is made by the designer from the walk. His stylist walked out three days H&M Jimmy Choo collection unveiled Completing the look, I’ll go for 3.1 start. Mark only works from the body before the show, quoting “creative dif- Phillip Lim’s studded gloves. Keeps me which contributes to the signature fit- ferences over the use of larger sized The collection was unveiled earlier this warm, keeps me edgy. ted silhouette. In Mark’s own words, models”. Mark’s managing director, week featuring clothes, shoes, accessories Lastly, a clutch bound by brass butch- his designs are for “a woman who Amanda May, told the Telegraph that and bags for both men and women. The ers chainmail by Made Her Think. knows exactly what she wants. She “we wanted women to know they don’t most expensive item is priced at £179.99 Skirt, £540. Jacket, £1705. Gloves, takes risks”. When he said she takes have to be a size zero to wear a Mark for a pair of thigh-high boots or a black £325. Clutch, risks, he meant it. In his first show Fast dress - curvier women can look leather tote. The collection will launch in $1250. Shoes? in London Fashion Week last season, even better in one”. It is however un- the UK on the 14th November, Priceless. And deniable that it can be a game of Truth Santa – Mas- or Dare for a curvier girl to step out in tercard is “Last season, some a typical Mark Fast dress, since his de- Barbie’s Christian Louboutin hardly even signs can be quite revealing and curve money! of his dresses hugging. Some people argue that the After making his signature peep-toes use of size 0 and size 14 models only in hot pink to commemorate Barbie’s barely covered the – with no variation in between – is a 50th birthday, Louboutin is also set to publicity stunt. But his move has surely customise three dolls. Each doll will come models’ derrière” opened the doors for plus-size models with four pairs of Barbie sized louboutins, on the catwalk. Definitely a gesture complete with their own shoe boxes. welcomed by the fashion world.

some of his dresses barely covered the models’ backsides. Mark Fast’s fame has been rapidly COOL WALL rising over the last six months. His debut minimalist knit creations have quickly appeared in publications such as The New York Times and Vogue. A few dresses from his first debut show have since found homes in Kristen Stewart and Ellen Page’s wardrobe. Mark’s dresses did not stay long on Browns’ shelves – his last season’s sas- sy, barely-there woven pieces quickly sold out within a week. But Mark Fast’s designs will soon be available to everyone. Following the footsteps of fellow designers such Clockwise from top: Mark Fast with From top: as Giles Deacon, Mark has secured a two models at his studio; one of the Mark Fast; 3.1 deal with Topshop to make his pieces plus size models that graced Mark’s Phillip Lim; available to the masses. According to catwalk this season; a floor length Made Her Think; Grazia, Mark’s collection will launch frock from last season; this season’s Moschino; in Feburary 2010. dresses are more decorated, as seen McQueen. Mark’s spring-summer 2010 col- here featuring conical folds. unionpage

John James Sexual Health Advice Deputy President (Welfare) [email protected] There are loads of myths about sexually John Hunter Clinic transmitted infections (STIs) which range Clinic Telephone from the totally ridiculous to worrying Opening Results Line truths. It is fair to say the risk you take Times Opening Hours when you have unprotected sex is Monday 08.00 - 16.15 10.00 – 11.00 more hassle than it is worth. This isn’t Tuesday 08.00 - 19.00 10.00 – 11.00 a warning to abstain from sex; it should Wednesday 12.30 – 19.30 be a personal choice. However, it makes sense to carry a condom around with Thursday 08.00 - 16.15 10.00 – 11.00 you and use it the next time you get Friday 08.00 - 16.15 10.00 – 11.00 lucky. The worry of pregnancy is a stress that no student needs. However, even if you or your partner are on the pill you They also run a new walk-in sexual health can still catch a range of infections. So clinic, which requires no appointment. It get yourself both checked out if you is held every Tuesday between 5pm and haven’t already. 7pm and operates on a fi rst-come, fi rst- served basis. You can also book a slot Needless to say, if you are experiencing in advance by texting between 9am and 9-13 November any symptoms it is really important 3pm on the day of the clinic you wish to to have a check up soon. This can be attend and you will be texted back a slot. done at your local GUM (Genito-Urinary Medicine) Clinic. These clinics can TEXT: ‘JHC slot’ to 07786202243 • You can catch some STIs through oral offer you advice about contraception, sex? Sexual do regular screenings (if you have What will happen during your no symptoms) or do specifi c tests (if appointment will vary depending on There are loads of places to get you are experiencing symptoms). If why you are attending. Sometimes you information and advice about sexual Health you are sexually active and have had might just need advice or to give a urine health, both within Imperial and from unprotected sex it is really important that sample or prescriptions. Other times external organisations. you schedule one in, even if it is just for will require an examination- this may be Awareness peace of mind. Symptoms of sexually external or it could be an internal swab. Come along to one of our information transmitted infections include: This is dependent on what your concerns stalls during the week for more are and whether you are experiencing information and to pick up loads of free and • A change in the normal discharge from symptoms. Results are usually sent to condoms or contact one of the people the vagina you via text within a week but you might listed below: • Discharge from the penis have to have a follow-up appointment Guidance • Sores or blisters near the vagina, penis depending on the results. John James or anus Deputy President (Welfare) • Rash or irritation around the vagina, All consultations are completely [email protected] Week penis or anus confi dential, but if you don’t feel • A burning feeling when peeing comfortable going to your local clinic Nigel Cooke • Pain during sex there are many options in London and Student Adviser We’ll be running a stall near your home. To fi nd your closest [email protected] in the JCR everyday The closest GUM Clinic to Imperial is: one, go to www.fpa.org and click on The John Hunter Clinic ‘fi nd a clinic’. You can then type in your Imperial College Health Centre handing out condoms and St Stephen’s Centre postcode or address. [email protected] information on safe sex. On 369 Fulham Road 020 7584 6301 (24hrs) Tuesday Night there will London SW10 9NH Did you know that: Tel: 020 8846 6699 • As many as 70% of women and 50% Family Planning Association be a quiz where you can of men who have an STI don’t have any www.fpa.org.uk win an iPod if you answer This clinic provides an appointment symptoms? the most correct questions. only service which you can book either • The number of Chlamydia cases in British Pregnancy Advisory Service online or over the telephone. However, people under 25 has risen by over (for advice on abortion) On Wednesday and Friday there are some situations in which you 200% in the last 10 years? This disease www.bpas.org we’ll be running Chlamydia can obtain an emergency appointment is mostly symptomless but can lead to screening and also as part infertility in women. Terrence Higgins Trust (currently organising such as needing the morning after pill of Sports Night there will be or requiring attention following a sexual • Some STIs can lead to diseases such free Chlamydia testing for under 25s) assault. as cancer (HPV) and central nervous www.tht.org.uk a team of condom fairies! system disorders (syphilis)? imperialcollegeunion.org 24 felix FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2009 GaGamesmes Editors Michael Cook & Angry Geek GAMES [email protected]

Eurosceptic Ten Long Years - 2003 The space is smaller, but the games are still good. Next year, hooo!

MMichaelichael CookCook Games Editor ow. So we lost half jective – is woefully implemented. No that they should, animated themselves in our column space, matter how much you piss off any of the a way that made sense visually. It made huh? I guess news factions, they will still come back cap in you feel powerful.” W is more important hand asking you to kindly go and mur- The Gamecube also picked up another managed to make it to the Eu- trying to impress people with silly or some bullshit. der someone or blow up something or landmark this year, with Wind Waker’s rogamer Expo last weekend, and glasses and layered Batmen. Anyway, let’s not dwell and instead steal something-or-other. So you never release finally bringing Zelda into the jolly good it was too. I didn’t go However, I did manage to claw back move swiftly on through the decade. feel like you’re fighting for one particu- latest console generation. The new visual I last year, but I was given a tour some journalistic respectability by at- 2003! Games! Andrew, quickly, tell us lar faction or like you’re part of a partic- style was stunning, even if the departure by felix stalwart and sexy gen- tending David Cage’s talk on Heavy about Knights of the Old Republic! ular cause or ideology, you just feel like from Ocarina was difficult for some tleman Tomo Roberts; stalking mem- Rain, his new game coming to the PS3 “Loved this game. Still do. Very ac- an uninterested freelancer. This and the players to accept. bers of the games industry, mistaking soon. It’s supposed to genuinely tell a cessible RPG, and I think the first one story was bollocks.” “Wind Waker wasn’t a game that im- every game in the exhibition for Mass story, in much the same way that his I really got into (all those AD&D ones Away from the shop shelves, big things mediately grabbed you. It took some Effect 2, and generally breaking eve- earlier work Fahrenheit aimed to. He passed me by, shamefully). The fact happened. Valve released Steam, the time to get into, it didn’t fire up enthu- rything we touched. What did we get was very frank in admitting mistakes that it was all fully voiced (though successor to their WON service, now the siasm from the start. But it was still a our hands on? Well, lots of things, but he had made in Fahrenheit (“I need to with a bit of a cheat due to the sheer behemoth digital distribution service on fantastic game. The music, the feeling of I honestly couldn’t tell you anything make the story last for more than two number of aliens in the game) layered the PC platform. open space, was unlike anything GC had more from the three or four minutes I thirds of the game...”) but also adamant the polish on to a very solid game with Soul Calibur 2 hit many platforms this seen before.” got with each that you wouldn’t be able that it was an important stepping stone an intriguing storyline.” year, an important game in the beat ‘em It was a good year for sequels, too, to garner from YouTube. Mass Effect in his path to narrative-driven gaming. Hmm. Okay. That sounded pretty up genre, providing a contrast to the with Homeworld 2, Jak 2 and Max Payne 2 - very similar to Mass Effect 1. Left- He’s an enormously interesting man, sane though, anyone want to go a bit Tekken-alikes that were becoming more 2 all making their way to gamers in the 4Dead2 - pretty fun, I guess. Dragon and Heavy Rain is a fascinating game. crazy for me? Hent? and more popular. second half of the year. But the real gem Age - bewildering, but Mr. Roberts It’s quite clear from the short demo he “The first Bioware game that didn’t “SC2 was the only beat ‘em up I ever lurking in the list of Christmas releases is spent half an hour glued to it so I can gave that it’s not all it’s cracked up to actively penalise you for being evil, so played that felt satisfy- the unassuming Beyond Good And Evil, only assume that’s good too. be – the complex, looping gameplay naturally I was all over that. It started out ing to master. The the journalistic platformer that everyone This is the problem with exhibi- showed an audio repeat or two, and kind of limp with petty extortion and the fighting styles it keeps meaning to play. tions like this – they don’t tell you an it’s not like you can do whatever you like, but soon ramped up to slave trading offered blend- “BG&E was such a gorgeous game. awful lot. That’s why they frequently want. But he also made some great and dicing an insane guy into kibbles as ed in the way Every bit of that world was just right, become more about the periphery, points. When asked whether he was he hid inside a storage locker” and all the gameplay tricks just added about seeing all the other stuff around trying to encourage people to play the Excellent. This was a pretty good year more and more to the characteri- it. Valve’s Chet Faliszek was around game many times to see everything, all-round for being evil, what sation – photographing an- the Left4Dead2 stand chatting to gam- he replied, “Actually, I’d kinda like it if with Republic and Deus imals for biological ers. People from nVidia were trying they played the game just once. Because Ex: Invisible War being catalogues, invent- to convince gamers to spend £350 on life’s a bit like that, you don’t get to see released. Although both ing stuff for Pey’j to making their monitors wobble a bit in everything.” weren’t treated with such use. It was all amaz- 3D, and of course the Developer Ses- Cage later defended his attempt to con- high regard as KotOR: ing, and it’s a shame it sions, where developers talked about vey love, sadness and depression through “Invisible War is a bad probably won’t see a their games. Among the high-profile his games, saying that Hollywood was not game because it’s central sequel. talks that your fearless correspondent all action and comedy movies. premise – the idea of Next year - Half-Life missed entirely included Splash Dam- It’s exciting stuff. If only I had a PlaySta- providing the player 2, World of Warcraft age, who demonstrated their new FPS tion 3. Look out for Heavy Rain when it with a choice of how and Rome: Total War. Brink, and nVidia who were further comes out next year, and enjoy this issue. to complete an ob- Enough said.

In Pictures - The Week In News: Valve like reader tabasco, Fallout MMO and more

Papercraft Mode IGF 2010 Opens 3D modeller Eric Testroete creates The list of entries to the 2010 Inde- copy of his head in paper, only larger, pendent Games Festival has been for game-style Big Head Mode. announced.

Fallout MMO Legal proceedings have forced Inter- Saxton Hale Responds play to release concept art for their Readers of the Team Fortress 2 website who responded to a fake product Fallout MMO in order to prove it is catalogue received especially-created comics from Valve as a reward. in production. felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 25 [email protected] GAMES The Versus Round - Left4Dead2 Demo It might just be the demo, but that hasn’t stopped Nick Virago and Jack Warren from feeling strongly about it

bloody marvel. It’s a improved. That’s what you need, and ince this has been a hot po- marvel really, that such that’s what Left4Dead2 is. Everything tato for some time now, a thing was possible. In that characterises this gaming series is it’s probably a good idea to A just one short year we’ve here - the dry humour, the surreal pop S point out, early on, the fol- seen an engine overhaul, culture references, the gleeful enjoy- lowing: I enjoyed Left4Dead an AI redesign, community support ment of chaos. All this has been worked immensely. I ridiculed the boycott of and the small matter of five campaigns, on to be faster, fuller and contrasted. Left4Dead2 and I still think it’s a stu- dozens of new weapons, a new game The good bits stand out now, pid idea. I was looking forward to this mode and a gnome. A lot has been they’re pushed forwards and demo very much. Which is a shame, added to Left4Dead2. It’s the sort of made bigger and celebrated. because it’s utterly terrible. And upgrade that perhaps isn’t breaking Key moments, high points if this turns out to be rep- any new ground, but is surely cement- in games with your friends resentative of the game ing value as a world leader in fast, in- are recognised, celebrated, itself, I’m going to sorely novative, iterative development. and given to you more fre- regret pre-ordering. What did we need from a sequel, first quently. The boring parts Where to start? Per- and foremost? We needed new content of the original are torn out haps with the original for one. So the new campaigns not only and replaced with more game itself. Left4Dead provide more playing time than the exciting variants - gauntlet was a great, great balance original, but also firmly place the pri- runs to stop closet camp- of maturity and humour, tols, back and forth from SMG to ri- ority on unique experiences for each ing, spitters to keep you of a quietly depressing fle, never really knowing which one is campaign. The ‘uncommon commons’ moving. Jockeys to make tone with light-hearted the best or whether the silencer even and melee weapons are special to each you giggle. chuckles. I spent night after does anything. This isn’t how it was of the movies, sure, but what I’m re- But this is Valve. So night for a good few months supposed to be. This wasn’t the code ally talking about here are the variable what do you get, on top after release playing Versus, to which their other games were built, of that? Well you get soaking up every bit of the this isn’t the way of the company that more, don’t you? Of L4D canon, but it’s all tied rigorously tests every change and addi- “In a year. course. So let’s keep down to a base of death, tion with a wide group of gamers. This the existing Survival depression and loneliness. isn’t fitting together. That’s impressive.” and Versus modes, and Bit too emo? Maybe. But Sometimes it’s not even that the em- let’s add Scavenger, a Left4Dead’s atmosphere was bellishments made things worse. It’s superb blend of the right. The night, the concrete, that they just were utterly, emptily use- aforementioned two the emptiness. It all fitted less. The gore is entirely over the top, weather effects on Hard Rain. How modes, and add that together. for one thing, and is so disconnected some campaigns are cyclic paths while in for short bursts Left4Dead2 is others are about fighting through to an of competi- gaudy, to say the end point. How Hard Rain’s sugar cane tive play. least. New Orleans “It just plantations attract a higher number Then for is a bright, colour- of witches, whilst the daylight of The those who ful and cheerful doesn’t feel Parish affects the zombie eyesight. It’s mostly play place, I get that, about providing new content, yes, but campaign, but that means like a sequel.” also different content. there’s a Re- you have to ask So you’ve got your new content. But alism mode yourself why it’s you need the gameplay itself to move that switch- the setting for the from the reality of the player’s actions forwards too, right? So the AI infected es off glows, sequel to such that it becomes a rather unspectacular have learnt from human players’ ver- makes spe- a dark and rich and bewildering sideshow, with zom- sus tactics, leading to a cial infected game. It’s cer- bies arbitrarily dissolving into red mist speedier tank and more stronger, and tainly a change, all around you. Wade in with melee cautious smokers. The generally and maybe that’s and the screen becomes coated with survivor AI hangs emphasises what Valve were red - all well and good for people who back with you now teamwork. seeking. But I like chuckling and high bodycounts, instead of looking A can’t help but but not so good for people who actual- for trouble, and game feel it wasn’t the ly like to see the game they’re playing. is a little quick- that right change to All in all, Left4Dead2 feels unfin- er on the uptake just one make. It doesn’t ished. The team got together and when things year ago was feel like a se- listed everything they wanted to add start to turn hitting shelves quel to Left4Dead. It to a sequel. If they’d taken only half of sour (which with four cam- doesn’t fit together. those ideas through to the final game, they will). paigns and two Okay, now we’ve got the petty it would’ve been in far better shape. As Solid versus is now a behemoth, with whiny art shit out of the way, it stands, it feels like a bad mod - too and a mode for everyone, swathes let’s get down to the details. much added in without really refining of new content and a vastly im- Valve make simple games. Pared what was there, what the vi- proved base game. down. Refined. They make games sion was. We can In a year. A year. How is that where the rules fit on the back of only hope the not impressive? How can anyone a matchbox yet actually becoming demo is the complain about rushed releases an expert at the game takes years. weaker part of unfair money-grabbing? Even Five weapons. Four specials. That’s of the game. from the demo, it’s clear just it. Not so any more. Do you want Too late for how much has been added pistols or a melee weapon? Which me, though. to what has already been melee weapon? Do you want first No refunds picked as one of the best aid or a defibrilator? Automatic online. 360 games around, and the sniper rifle? Shotgun? Silenced Just... finest online game of 2009. weapons, for Christ’s sake? And in regrets... A lot has been added. More than the distance, is that a spitter or a fe- enough to ensure a repeat perform- male boomer? Is that a witch? Or is ance in 2010. Opinionated bastard? that a which? Or... too late. When the demo comes online, “Choice” is the watchword, and download and remember – you’ve Write for Versus - simply smash your choice has increased tenfold. But with gained a lot, and in just twelve months. keyboard angrily in the that choice comes an increase in com- Valve has done it again, and all you general direction of plexity too, and a loss of the elegance need to do to appreciate that is to keep that made the game so good in the first that sense of perspective in mind. [email protected] place. During the demo you’ll switch between different shotgun types, pis- 26 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009

110101110101111010110101 01010100101 01 001010001010000101000010 00011111010 00 01000111 1 0010000000010 011000 1111 1 TTechnologyechnology Editor SamuelSamuel Gibbs 00101101 1000101001000 100111 010 0 1111101 111011110111 011 10 101 1 0 0 10 000100001010 100 01 010 0 TECHNOLOGY 1 1 01 111 11111101 11 10 101 1 [email protected] 1 1 1 1 101111 1 1 1 1 1 1 111101 1 Dropbox is your friend Student priced cloud sync and storage no one should be without Orange with rage SSamuelamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor SamuelSamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor Cloud storage is all the rage these days, with connection speeds steadily increasing and online storage ever de- range incurred the wrath stand that Orange need some sort of creasing in cost. One day it’s likely that of the UK tech establish- fair use policy to protect their network most of our data will be stored in the ment this week with their from abuse, but limiting the device by cloud in one form or another. We’ve announcement of their blocking what it’s naturally geared up been accessing our email for decades Oupcoming iPhone price plans. Being to do is ludicrous. via webmail interfaces like Hotmail, a whole 36p cheaper over a 24 month More Apple news this week in the Yahoo! mail and Gmail before it was plan, Orange isn’t really going to ignite form of a supposed iPhone 4th gen- described as ‘the cloud’ and services a price war with O2, instead they’ll eration part leak. China Ontrade, an like Xmarks use server storage for likely rely on their better coverage and electronics wholesaler, claims that it cloud based sync. So it shouldn’t come 3G bandwidth to win people over. Ok, has leaked shots of the next-generation as a shock to you that many companies fine, no price war like we all wanted, iPhone midboard (the bit that every- offer storage solutions, some better but I can’t say I’m suprised. What I, thing screws into inside the phone). than others, quite a lot for the very stu- and a load of the UK tech press were Ok, so it’s not a spy shot, or anything dent friendly price of free. suprised at is the absolute abuse of that indicates a radical redesign, and Dropbox is one of the better online the word ‘Unlimited’ by Orange. Un- it’s literally 8 months early from Apple’s storage and file sync solutions avail- limited, well you know what it means, usual device generational turn-over. able at the moment. Its service is built but unfortunately Orange obviously But last time China Ontrade ousted a around a very simple idea, sync a folder doesn’t. Contained within their ‘fair’ supposed iPhone part they were dead full of files between any computer you use policy there’s a stipulation that on and one month later the iPhone happen to use and online. bile devices, allowing you to keep your you want to be able to download that the bandwidth cap is actually 750MB. 3GS appeared. Does this mean that The service itself consists of a client files with you even on other people’s file. If they’ve got a Dropbox them- I don’t know about you but when I Apple’s going to break with it’s yearly that runs as a service on your compu- computers. The third attribute Drop- selves and their on your local network buy an Unlimited plan, I expect to get refresh cycle and release a new iPhone ter, syncing any files that are contained box provides might be something you the software is smart enough to route unlimited service, not some meagre model in the next few months? With within a ‘Dropbox’ folder on your wouldn’t immediately think about, the file transfer via the local network download limit. Now, Orange claim my contract up for renewal in January computer. The location of that folder backup. Dropbox syncs all your files meaning that you get great connection that the average iPhone user doesn’t next year I hope so, but I wouldn’t get can be user determined but anything in your Dropbox to the cloud mean- speeds for anyone who’s local to you. use more than 200MB a month and your hopes up. Apple’s highly unlikely within that folder is automatically ing you’ve always got a copy of the files Dropbox has both free and subscrip- so 750MB is more than enough. Prob- to do such a thing, but never say never. transferred to your own personal piece stored online, but you’ve also got a tion services. The free service starts off lem is, I doubt they base that figure on Twitter has unleashed lists to the of cloud storage provided by Dropbox. copy of those files synced to any com- at 2GB of storage space, with no nags actual iPhone usage figures. 200MB general twitter populous this week Once the file is uploaded it can then puter you happen to have set up. In to- or any other annoyances. Should you per month may well be accurate for enabling people to set up, maintain be downloaded onto any computer tal this means that not only have you need more storage you can buy 50GB much less data-centric devices but and follow lists of people and their whether it’s a PC, a Mac or even Linux got online backup but you’ve got mul- of storage for $9.99 a month (about £6 for the iPhone, that’s a rather poultry tweets. It gives you the convenience of that you set up sync with, seamlessly tiple local backups too. So should your in todays money) or a whole 100GB for amount. Considering that the iPhone mass follows and means that you can and in the background. If you need ac- laptop get pinched, your house burn $19.99 (£12) a month. boasts streaming music apps, access to follow people’s tweets without follow- cess to that file on the road your entire down, or an act of god swallows Impe- You can even top up your 2GB of free YouTube, BBC iPlayer and fully fledged ing them directly. If you’re not a twit- Dropbox can be accessed via a browser rial up in a freak Earthquake, you’ll at space to a maximum of 3GB by getting web browsing, even their supposed ter user this probably means nothing on the Dropbox website or even via a least have one or more of those back- your friends to sign up via referrals in plentiful cap of 750MB is small fry. to you, but Lists have become the new free iPhone app. ups available to you. 250MB chunks. To make matters worse, a quick follower count with people competing Dropbox’s simple solution essentially Dropbox also has one more trick So if you’re looking for a service that look in Orange’s Terms and Condi- to be on as many lists as possible. provides three services in one. First off up it’s sleeve that sets it apart from you can use from anywhere with an tions shows that they prohibit the use Talking of Twitter, how about a mo- you’ve got file sync, which means you the rest of the cloud storage pack and internet connection, to both store and of streaming apps such as Spotify and bile device that does nothing but ac- can easily transfer files between com- that’s a public folder within your Drop- sync your files safely and securely, even social networking sites such as Face- cess and post to Twitter? Well that’s all puters as long as you have an internet box. Here you can place files you’d like within college, then check out Drop- book. Now I don’t know about you but the TwitterPeek does. For the princely connection. You’ve also got access to to share with other people and with a box at www.getdropbox.com and what’s the good of an iPhone that you some of $200 without a monthly fee, those files where ever you happen to simple right click you’ve got a share- grab some fantastic, free storage that can’t use the Apps that make it what it you can access Twitter from anywhere. be via a browser, including your mo- able link that you can send to whoever simply works. is? Now don’t get me wrong, I under- Hmm, I’ll stick with my iPhone thanks.

Weekly Wrap Up: A quick guide to the best of the rest you might have missed

SSamuelamuel GGibbsibbs Technology Editor like a cross between something out dord to compete in the Pikes Peak In- In entertainment news, the BBC this ries copies of the tracks in both FLAC of Batman and Star Wars, is a 46 foot ternational Hill Climb, a race that takes week announced that it’s iPlayer VOD and MP3 formats and is equipped with long killing machine. With a wingspan its competitors over 20Km, through service is coming to FreeSat starting a custom made Flash player and a load After the buzz of Android 2.0 last of some 36 feet and 22,000 pounds of 156 turns and up a 1423m climb on this month in a closed beta. It’s good of extra video and photo related art- week, this week’s news has been a lit- thrust it can handle 2000 pounds of or- gravel and paved roads, the TTS is news for all those with FreeSat boxes work. Great for collectors I suppose tle more unconventional than most. dinance to destroy any puny building packed full of GPS, sensors and a com- and if it’s successful, will probably but for those who just want to buy the For starters the Rise of the Machines you might be hiding in. plicated guidance system. It will be an mark a move to integrate the service Beetles music from their favourite dig- steadily ploughs on. We’ve got MIT re- Skynet can give as well as take away. impressive feet to see the car navigate with FreeView HD boxes later in 2010. ital download store, still no luck. searchers working on a program called The latest bomb sniffing robot takes all the twisty turns and reach the fin- All currently available FreeSat+ boxes ClearView that will create ‘immortal the form of an unmanned helicoptor ish line and would make Darpa’s Urban are capable of receiving iPlayer with a and invulnerable’ programs. In simple codenamed Yellow Jacket. This little Challenge look a little like childs play. software update thanks to in-built eth- terms, it automatically patches pro- beauty is tasked with the unenviable ernet ports, which were made manda- grams that experience errors or vul- job of searching out for IEDs and road- tory at the beginning of the FreeSat+ nerabilities. Great idea to stop hackers side bombs by detecting and locating specification. and viruses from causing havok but their electromagnetic emissions. Trav- The Beetles continue their extremely think about this: A computer program elling by road is currently one of the laboured migration to digital distri- that can heal itself and can’t be dam- most dangerous activities in Afghani- bution. Having made it onto Beetles aged by humans. Skynet anyone? stan due to the roadside bombs. If Yel- RockBand and with re-mastered and Nvidia confirmed this week that Intel Lockheed Martin have been in low Jacket can give soldiers a scanned original CDs already available, the Bee- won’t be supporting USB3 until 2011 the news this week too with another clear path, then I’m all for it. tles have now made available their 14 with its chipsets. This senseless delay deathbot. Their next generation UAV An autonomous Audi TTS also made stereo tracks on an Apple shaped USB will mean that USB3 probably won’t hit the Sabre Warrior Drone, which looks an appearance this week. Built by Stan- flash drive. The odd looking thing car- off till late 2011. LightPeak anyone? felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 27 FoodFood EditorsEditors CChrishris SSimim & HHollyolly CCumbersumbers FOOD [email protected] Restaurant Review: Sake No Hana @ 23 St. James’s Street, London, SW1A 1HA. Asian restauranteur Mr. Yau continues to impress at his latest instalment, where Chris Sim carried out some investigative eating that didn’t squeeze his wallet too much.

broken set of escalators. Not exactly the sort of welcome you’d expect A from Alan Yau’s latest upscale Asian offering. As you clunk your way up those sta- tionary metal stairs strange thoughts momentarily hover in your mind: ‘Per- haps this is intentional? Are they mak- ing me work for my meal?’ Such odd ponderings quickly disappear when you arrive at your desired destina- tion, whose high ceilings and modern Japanese wooden décor are a pleasure to the eye. New thoughts now enter, uttering ‘Looks like tonight’s going to cost me a bit.’ Fortunately the last point wasn’t too much of a worry for myself and a fellow diner, for we had used a Toptable offer, though this did mean we had to eat a little earlier than our appetites desired. My good friend the soft shell crab, complete with crispy exterior, sweetly soft interior and light wasabi-laden salad. Affordable when you use an online deal. As one would expect from such a chic establishment, a friendly waiter guided us promptly to a rather spacious yet miss. Let’s start with the misses. I’ll remember how much you’re dishing sweet and fleshy centre, was mar- of a mid-tabled Premiership football low-lying table and seating arrange- begin with our much loved friend, as- out for these delicacies. ried beautifully with light salad leaves team, I guess what you’re really paying ment where we were instructed to sorted tempura. Crispy the batter was, But there were a few hits, and in my dressed in slightly acidic overtones and for is top-notch ambience. The modern, take off our shoes. I quite liked this lit- but not as fluffy and fragrant as you’d book they were pretty big ones. Still a light wasabi sauce. Dessert wasn’t too classy Japanese façade, combined with the tle Japanese touch, not really because expect from such a restaurant. And the hovering in my memory is the delight- bad either, a selection of ice creams spaciousness of the room and dim mood it made it seem more ‘authentic’, but prawns... Well, they weren’t the giant ful dragon roll, whose glorious blend and sorbets that let you leave with a lighting, act in unison to create an atmos- rather because it made my feet feel that ones I was hoping for. Another slight of sweet eel, juicy tempura prawn and happily entertained palette. The acidic phere that can only really be described by bit cosier. disappointment was the grilled yellow wonderfully rich avocado was beauti- sweetness of blueberry sorbet cleansed that fusion of two words, chillaxed. With my feet made to feel at home tail cheek with yuzu sauce. The com- fully brought together with perfectly my palette between diving in for little my eyes now turned to the menu. bination of firm, fleshy fish with the cooked rice and indulgent little eggs of mouthfuls of two classic Japanese ice Pretty comprehensive coverage of su- slightly citrusy and bitter sauce should, flying fish, otherwise known as tobiko creams: the flavours of earthily sweet Food: 7.0 shi, sashimi and tempura was evident in principle, have worked harmoni- caviar. Another dish which still makes black sesame and refreshing yet in- Value: 6.5 alongside some more inventive touch- ously together. But here the let down me smile was an otherwise ordinary tense green tea. Service: 8.5 es in the grilled and starters section. was that the fish was ever so slightly watercress salad brought to life with I must say I was pleasantly surprised With this restaurant review in mind I overcooked. Whilst these dishes were the presence of one of my favourite by the portion size – prior to my ar- Ambience: 9 thought I should try to have a snippet decent shots on goal, you might expect ocean dwelling creatures, soft shell rival I had been fearing minute bites on of most areas. them to hit a tad closer to the target. crab. The slightly crispy outside of the oversized plates. So to conclude, whilst Overall: 7.5/10 Overall, I guess the food was hit and Harsh critiquing you may think, but crab, combined with its unctuously the food’s consistency was akin to that “Oh yeah, I have to cook for myself now…to the microwave!”

JJoshosh PearPear for 5 minutes, only to burn your mouth chicken curry. If you still haven’t met on something which is stodgy and has everyone on your floor on the drinking Recipe for Spaghetti Bolognese Method: gained its entire flavour from salt. And nights, it’s a good way to simply knock (Student Style) If like me you’re a fresher, the above I’m not joking about that last part, read on doors. So, it’s now time to re-exam- Put a little olive oil into a large sauce- title might be slightly familiar. For the label! ine the two scenarios. Option 1: Stab Serves: 4 pan and put on a high heat. Add all most, being a fresher means numer- I’m not trying to nag like your the plastic lid, watch the dish for five the mince into the pan along with the ous nights of drinking and ready mum. Instead, I’m offering some minutes and eat alone. Option 2: Be Ingredients: diced onions, and break up the mince meals. Of course I’m with everyone friendly advice, the reason being creative for a change and cook some- 1kg of lean minced beef (The more with a wooden spoon. Don’t put the on that first part, but what about the that I was in that position in fresher’s thing which is very simple to make. expensive does actually equal nicer garlic in yet as it burns. Once the on- ready meals? week. Trust me, the alternative is so Get friends round to get slightly drunk mince) ions have softened and browned, I’m guessing, but I think that at least much better. I found this out when I whilst making it, and finally have a 2 x tbsp olive oil reduce the heat or the meat will turn half of us have had a good few nights decided to invite some friends over, good time. 2 x 400g tins of chopped tomatoes grey. Gently cook the mince for about where we simply can’t be bothered, to see what they thought of my at- Best of all is that when you do make 1 x diced red onion ten minutes and add a stock cube. Use and would rather wait 5 minutes for tempt at spaghetti bolognese. They too much food, you can always freeze it 2 x peeled and crushed garlic cloves the wooden spoon to mix everything that glorious ping from the microwave. bought the alcohol, and I got the and eat it tomorrow! Spaghetti Bolog- (or 1 tsp garlic powder) together. Add one large glass of red So, picture this if you will. You’ve had food. It was great, I made something nese is the perfect example. 2 x large glasses of red wine (A cheap wine, along with the herbs if you want lectures all day and stop by at the su- which tasted good and I could en- The recipe that I give is more than bottle is fine) them. Allow the red wine to reduce permarket on the way home. Option joy in the company of friends. I’ve enough to feed four and still have 6 x tomatoes as it burns off the alcohol. Add both a) is to go for numerous ingredients, added the recipe at the bottom of enough left over to make a very simple 1 x 800g Spaghetti (Dried is ok, but tins of chopped tomatoes and add the which granted do cost a few quid more, this page for you to try out. If you’re lasagne tomorrow night. fresh is much better) mushrooms (chopped in half). Also to create your very own culinary mas- still thinking you really can’t cook, Ok, bottom line is that you can pick 1 x 200g pack of button mushrooms add the garlic, the other glass of red terpiece. Alternatively, you could go for don’t worry. It’s hard to go wrong, whichever option suits you best. Yes, 1 x beef stock cube wine, and the tomato puree. Stir well option b) and get a few of those special you just cook the mince and chuck there are nights when you are in a com- 1 x tbsp tomato puree and allow everything to reduce down. offer tomato penne pasta ready meals. everything into the pan. plete rush because your 3000 word es- 2 x tsp of mixed herbs (Dried is fine) Add salt and pepper at this stage, but Unfortunately, for most it’s been the Cooking for yourself means that say is due tomorrow and you’ve only 2 x tsp oregano (Dried is fine) do keep tasting as you go along! Sim- latter for at least once in fresherhood. you will inevitably make way too much written 150 words. Despite this, on A small block of parmesan cheese to mer for a further 30 minutes or so. So, 6:30pm has rolled around and it’s food. It becomes an excuse to be so- most other occasions the experiences grate over the top Cook the spaghetti as instructed on feeding time. Into the empty kitchen to ciable and to drag people out of their really can be incomparable. the pack and serve. watch a plastic dish spin in a white box rooms to have some of your Thai green Have a go, and enjoy it! 28 felix FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2009 TTravelravel Editors Dylan LoweLowe & Olivia DaviesDavies TRAVEL [email protected]

Next station, a spot for Travel at your own risk remembrance Fleur Thomas dissects the atrocity that is India’s traffic system DDylanylan LoweLowe Travel Editor

emember the bus journeys the torment ‒ and guilt on my colossal that drive you insane with carbon footprint ‒ when I can simply boredom? Before being bless- stay in London? Perhaps the motivation ed with a Blackberry with in- lies with my obligation ‒ and sometimes ternet access, I had them too. genuine wish ‒ to see my parents. RAnd, as much as a travel extraordinaire/ This is the darker side of the travel- freak I am, I hated them too. ling world, which we all have a fair share So resorting to Britain’s second favour- of. This is the mode of travel that leaves ite pastime, I allowed my head to knock us entrapped in a bleak timeframe, feet back and gaze into constellations of “es- fixed on the ground or bottom on the ure.com” and “D*n’t t@ke !t out on our seat, minus the glamour and anticipation staff”. of the abnormality we experience when This scenario fitted neatly with one of we go on holiday. my most treasured mottos of travelling: I suspect this is why we, as a society, “go in with little to zero expectations, tend to avoid the word ‘travel’ when de- come out with absolute satisfaction.” De- picting our laborious endeavour to reach spite the mundane contents of most bus a destination that lacks a ski slope or the advertisements, one particular poster did odd palm tree. Similarly, my loyal felix captivate a glint of sentimentality. readers, this is why whereupon finding f you are a reasonably well off In- there and you have no change, they might drop you somewhere, they will do a quick The header simply reads: “Beyond the the travel section you expect to find an- dian, you will never walk. The dis- say that they don’t have change either. U-turn and drop you off on the other side call of duty in WWI”. ecdotes of ‘travels’ based in exotic, far-far- tance and the danger of the road They are usually lying and simply want of the road. This involves driving several It goes on further: away locations. are immaterial, you will not do so your note. If they are particularly rude, hundred metres in the wrong lane, while “Within 48 hours of the outbreak of As much as we wish to shun it, travel- out of principle. Even if your desti- they will take your note and you have to the traffic policeman – who is too busy war, London buses and their crews began ling is inevitably incorporated into our Ination is only two blocks away, you will stand in front of the auto to stop them looking pretty – overlook. moving troops to and from the war zone. normal day lives. It is human to travel. jump onto your scooter, or into your air- from driving away. If they are not lying, Buses are taken by those who find au- In a few weeks, more than 300 London Whether it is the duty to oneself to ‘travel’ conditioned car and drive there. If you they will ask around for you. tos too expensive. There are two doors – buses - each with a volunteer driver - to the local groceries, the duty to ‘travel’ are foreign and you are walking, you will It is important to ask the auto driver the front one for ladies, the back for men. were being used at the Western Front in to college to attend lectures, or obliga- be asked whether you want a ride on the whether he knows where he is going, The ladies are given more seats but it is France and Belgium.” tion to mates to ‘travel’ to attend a fare- auto at least once every ten metres. Ap- because otherwise he might get lost. In still very crowded and you will most likely Though it served as an advert for the well party, obligation to parents to ‘travel’ parently the mere notion of wanting to fact, it is better if you know how to get be standing. Sometimes men will use the London Transport Museum in Covent home, or even obligation to Dan Wan to walk is strange. Why exert yourself if you there as, otherwise, they might drive in front door when they are in a hurry, but Garden, the poster fulfilled its purpose as ‘travel’ to Beit in order to complete laying can avoid it? circles and charge you by the kilometre. they will usually move to the back. Oc- a subtle reminder of the unspoken heroes -out the travel page, the message is syn- Scooters dominate the roads. This is If you picked a particularly macho driver, casionally they will stay to harass women. of the First World War. The plea went onymous: despite our efforts to beautify because any idiot can drive them – or so he may blame you for getting lost – even They generally squeeze at least one extra on to suggest that, as we don our pop- ‘travel’, it is not entirely a luxury. they think – they are small and can worm though he said he knew how to get there person onto the bench, so you become in- pies and pipe down for the two-minute However do not regard it with shame. their way through the traffic jams. Often – and then get aggressive. timately acquainted with several people silence at 11am this Sunday, we should Because, as with the examples above, by you will see the entire family all perched It is best to pick an older driver, as he is all at once. The doors of the bus are al- spare a thought on the drivers, the no- travelling our satisfaction with the result, precariously on one scooter. If you get hit still alive having driven for twenty years. ways open, even while driving and when less valiant individuals, who played a vital and the smile that blossoms from the by a car or a truck when you are on one of He is likely to know where he is going and it is completely full, people are pouring part in the British war effort. lips of friends and parents ‒ and possibly those, it is cheaper for the driver to run he is less laden with testosterone. out of the doors. People are to the bus as Indeed, with perilous conditions on the our revered Editor-in-chief if I am lucky you over properly and pay the fine than The drive will invariably involve excess fat is to over-tight trousers. continent inflicted by shell exchange and ‒ from sheer happiness outweighs the la- for them to cover your medical expenses. close encounters, slaloming and sudden Before coming to India, I had never landmines, their voyages may well have bour. Even the process itself, though not Often they will just drive away after they brakes; but as with all things there are seen the phrase ‘catching a bus’ taken so been their last. entirely enjoyable, can have us brimming hit you, risking neither – that is precisely exceptions. Mine was when there was a literally. Although the buses go ever so What drives people to travel? Disregard with pride. what happened to a friend of mine. The lot of traffic and I found myself in an auto slowly and the engine really does com- that of leisure travelling ‒ such isn’t what I Just like those bus drivers in WWI who windows of the cars tend to be tinted, stuck between a huge truck carrying pet- plain about the slightest slope, they can- seek to consider this time round. For this had their courage awarded by an array of which can mean that they can hardly rol and another auto with gas canisters – not be easily stopped. My friend men- particular editorial I want to explore the medals, and their loved ones who only see you. With cars, the general rule of I thought I was going to die. Sometimes tioned this guy who was trying to cross form of ‘travel’ that is driven by a sense of had memories to cling onto in the after- thumb is the bigger the better. Most cars they drive right behind trucks that are the road and found himself in front of a duty, a sense of moral obligation. math of the war. belonging to important civil servants are carrying – and often leaking – some kind bus that couldn’t stop. He then had no Understandably, many of you live away And so I urge you, proud fellow British monster jeeps with little flags poking out of transparent fluid. You would hope it is choice other than to lie flat on the road to from home. I for one have familial du- citizens, to don your poppies and con- behind bars that can and will kill you if water, but often it isn’t. Often when they avoid being killed. ties to meet, albeit having to grudgingly duct your two-minute silence on Sunday, you collide with them. endure the 23,000 air miles and on-flight November 8th, and spare a thought for the If you don’t have a car available, you can screeching-babies on a yearly basis. But servicemen who themselves ‘travelled’ to get an auto. Riding in an auto means that why on Earth would I put myself through an uncertain, yet glorious, fate. you are sitting at a height that matches exactly with that of the exhaust of buses and trucks. The auto driver will complain about the traffic every day and will cite this as a reason to rip you off, even though there is traffic every day. They will rip you off if you look even remotely foreign. At peak times they will refuse to take you, because they are heading in another di- rection, or because you won’t pay a mini- mal sum to get home. Patience is required – often when you ask them to turn on the meter, they will either say no outright, or they will claim that it is broken. You will notice huge variations in meter rates in different au- tos, which can lead one to speculate as to how this is possible. Otherwise you fix You can complain to any of the following officers, but they’ll be much happier a price and they take you. Once you are to just take your bribe felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 29 What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editors – Lily Topham & Rachel D’oliveiro

[email protected]

Mon 9th Nov

CSSA and PPS Tues 10th Nov – Classics Series 1 – Separation of Power, by Greg Artus, (free) KnitSock SHAG Week Special – 6pm, Elec Eng room 509 – Learn to knit a willy warmer...no previous kitting experience needed! Physoc Film Night – The Dark Knight (Free!) – 5pm, Union Bar, Free – 6:15pm, Blackett LT2 – All materials (and cake) provided! – Free popcorn! Friends of MSF Film Screening Chrstian Medical Fellowship Film Night – 7pm, Huxley 140 – 6pm, SAF G34 (free) – Triage: A film about Dr James Orbinski’s work in – Watch and discuss ‘Lars and the Real Girl’ the field and as president of MSF – Free popcorn! – Free food from Pret.. Ahlul Bayt – Muslim Heritage Conference – 6:15pm, Huxley Clore LT (free) – Hear three unparalleled expert speakers explore Engineering and Science, and the medieval Islamic world’s forgotten history. Weds 11th Nov LawSoc Trip to the Old Bailey – 1pm, meet outside Central Criminal Court – £3.50 members, £6.50 non-members – Listen to a talk about the Old Bailey plus the chance to sit in on criminal cases in the Thurs 12th Nov afternoon! PASS – Love Literally Promotion – 12pm - 2pm, Sherfield Foyer – Find out more about this project and donate books to support libraries in China.

Model UN – China and Taiwan Simulation – 6-7.30pm, Read LT, Sherfield – Free for all!

To Do.... 1) Find knitting needles. Fri 13th Nov 2) Feed the mouse.... PASS – Love Literally Promotion (2nd day...) 3) Email [email protected] – 12pm - 2pm, Sherfield Foyer (Club name & event, time, place, price, pics...) by end of – Find out more about this project and Tues 10th Nov. donate books to support libraries in China. (PS: Sorry about last week everyone...ask Dan...) 30 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMNER 2009 CLUBS & ClubsClubs & SocsSocs EditorEditor AAlexlex KKendallendall  SOCIETIES [email protected] Sinfonietta, Big Band and Choir unite Three societies join forces in a huge musical tour to Berlin with Hannah Short, and the odd marathon runner

Big Band produced some unbeliev- Sinfonietta’s second and final concert able solos throughout their classic set proved to be one of the best yet. Need- of Jazz, Funk and Latin from the likes less to say, the bar lucky enough to of Buddy Rich, Gordon Goodwin and receive our business post-concert saw Frank Sinatra. Of course, as we can its entire spirits store run dry. A sick- always expect from our Jazz pros, it ening number of sectional shots were was all flawless but I think they just ordered, showcasing the phenomenal might have outdone themselves with endurance of the musicians’ livers. their jaw-dropping arrangement of Pat Sunday was witness to the return Metheny’s “The First Circle.” of Big Band. Twice. Throughout the The next evening, it was the Or- entire week, two worryingly-talented chestra’s turn to impress. The venue string players had been abstaining, was the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial mummifying themselves with tubi- Church, affectionately known to the grip and carb-loading in preparation public as “the lipstick and the powder- for the Berlin Marathon. Give the puff,” owing to its freakish cosmetic biggest of hands to Eluned Smith and exterior – the sort of architecture that Eugene Chang who both completed would make your great aunt swab her the 42 (and a bit) kilometres on that brow with a hanky. The waffled, blue particularly hot Sunday morning. Ex- glass, octagonal church-cum-concert tra points go to Eugene for being suffi- hall provided a remarkable venue for ciently deranged to have completed the some equally remarkable playing. Get- course the day before, on roller blades. ting an audience in Berlin is always a Big Band had a spot at the 40km mark challenge, particularly when the Ber- and heralded 40,000 runners with lin Philharmonic is playing the same ear-popping jazz whilst the specta- evening, but with a concerted effort tors were soon exhausted from all the to hand out all 600 flyers the audito- clapping and whistling in the scorch- The Big Band perform in Kunstfabrik Schlot, in underground Berlin rium was packed. The high calibre ing German sun. Simultaneously, the performing continued well into the Choir and a select group of strings early morning with an illuminating were putting the finishing touches to would have to say that my pre- the Orchestra set to work perfecting to entertain themselves for a week. karaoke session back in the hostel. It their concert programme in the Auen- vailing memory of Choir, Sin- Humperdinck’s “Hansel and Gretel,” We dutifully took our dose of culture, was discovered that John Lennon had kirche that evening. At five o’clock the fonietta Orchestra and Big Sibelius’ 2nd Symphony, Tchaikovsky’s climbing the Reichstag and joining rest of the group, and some very for- I Band’s summer tour is of Cur- 6th Symphony and Delius’ “Norwegian the free walking tour, only to discover tunate Berliners, listened to Handel’s rywurst. Never before have 130 Songs” in one of the Humbolt Uni- to our delight that Germany is actu- ‘All of a sudden, bellow- Let Thy Hand Be Strengthened and of the finest musical folk Imperial has versity’s buildings. A few hours later, ally fascinating! One bright morning, other stunning pieces in absolute rap- to offer consumed so much sausage, it was all change; Sinfonietta was free some very dedicated culture addicts ing “when I think about ture. After a few hours break, Big Band ketchup and curry powder. Of course, to explore one of the most diverse cit- made the hour-long trek to find the you, I touch myself,” the warmed up again. This time the venue our week-long tour to Berlin this Sep- ies in Europe and the Choir took to celebrated East Side Gallery. Upon was an underground jazz club north of tember was not made up exclusively of practicing their mix of Fauré, Handel, arriving at their destination and be- night before didn’t seem the hostel called Kunstfabrik Schlot. lazing around stuffing our faces – oh Howell, Rutter and Parry with gusto. ing unable to locate said gallery, they Naturally, none of us found the name no! We succeeded in squeezing seven Big Band took up the last slot of the day were informed that the vast stretch of like such a good idea for remotely amusing. fantastic performances into our busy in our rehearsal venue and blasted out painstakingly decorated remnants of All too soon our little jaunt had schedule. some exasperatingly catchy jazz hits to the Berlin Wall that they had passed our singing soloist.’ come to an end. The final day saw the Past and current students and staff the German students milling around was, in fact, it. Other excursions were choir perform their second concert, converged in the BaxPax hostel in cen- the courtyard. That evening, the ma- more successful; Berlin’s zoo boasts the this time in the beautiful Zionskirche, tral Berlin on Tuesday, 15th September, jority of the tourists found themselves largest number of species of any zoo in somehow infiltrated our group when followed by the end-of-tour meal in waiting expectantly to see what the trip in an Oktoberfest bar somewhere the world and the street markets, the he took the stage and made everyone a nearby microbrewery. Prizes were might throw their way. Being in such along Oranienburger Strasse, Berlin’s largest variety of tat. cry with his beautiful singing. presented to those whose contribu- vast quantity (and such high spirits), central red-light boulevard, trying des- The Thursday evening was the first Sinfonietta’s second concert was the tion to the tour had been particularly we wasted no time in making the hos- perately to avoid catching the eye of of our string of gigs. Big Band played following day. All of a sudden, bellow- noted. Tears were shed for those who tel our own, pitying the other guests any of the prostitutes. Those big boys two sets in the Pfefferberg Sommer- ing “when I think about you, I touch wouldn’t be returning to Imperial and making good use of the bar. De- and girls who made it to twelve o’clock garten to uproarious applause and myself,” the night before didn’t seem and we all reflected upon what a tre- spite the 1 Euro fine for late attendance were rewarded with a visit to an artist’s some interesting limb-flailing loosely like such a good idea for our singing mendous year it had been for music at the 09:00 rehearsal the next morning squat in the bombed-out department based on dancing. It emerged that soloist. Nevertheless, the show did go at Imperial College. Will this year be there were a good few squinting Sinfo- store, bristling with graffiti, behind the two of our number had been mask- on. The Marienkirche was lined with as great? Will next summer’s tour be nietta members making their way out hostel. ing Latin-dance prowess sufficient to scaffolding, the audience sat facing the quite as rampageous? Only time will of the door at 09:30 on the Wednesday. As a city, Berlin has everything a cause the rest of us to wonder what we walls and there were a few last minute tell. I have a sneaking suspicion 09/10 While the Choir and Big Band slept in, large group of students might need had done to deserve multiple left feet. glitches in the lower wind section but is going to be a whole lot of fun.

LawSoc is back and YOU should join! says Mevani Jagodage

ith the appoint- help if you are considering a conver- ied Physics here, he went on to qualify with other prospective lawyers and are constantly looking to recruit stu- ment of the new sion after you graduate, or even if you in Intellectual Property Law and is now law firms is an essential part in pursu- dents from a Science background, with LawSoc commit- are just interested in law. a successful solicitor advocate. ing Law in the future and there will be some even paying for you to do your W tee, things are look- I, myself, am a member of LawSoc Aside from the talks and seminars many occasions throughout the year in conversion course! Getting into Law ing up. The Presi- with a keen interest in Law and the this term, I am particularly looking which you can do so. Allen and Overy can be challenging but an Imperial de- dent, Angela, Treasurer, Rhodri and first event of the year was a great suc- forward to the trip to the Old Bailey in are sponsoring LawSoc so be prepared gree gives you the upper hand. If you Secretary, Max, have worked hard to cess. A fellow Imperial alumnus, An- November. Touring the Old Bailey will to meet with partners and alumni over take the average law firm, the major- bring together a packed year of events drew Moir, from the law firm, Herbert allow you to see barristers in action. the coming year. ity of solicitors did not do a Law de- for those interested in a career in Law. Smith, returned here to give an ‘Intro- An experience not to be missed! In So why choose Law? Law is an excit- gree, and come from a wide range of Their dedicated work will ensure you duction to Law’ talk on Friday, 16th addition, the ‘Negotiation Workshop’ ing career path, which extends across disciplines. get the up-to-date information about October. He gave a deep, inspiring in- with the prestigious magic circle firm, many academic fields – from criminal If you are interested, come along to Law. Even though Imperial does not sight into his career in Law after he had Allen and Overy, in December will be and insurance, to medical and patent the IC LawSoc events. Contact us at offer a course in Law, the Society will graduated from Imperial. Having stud- a notable opportunity. Networking law, as well as many more. Law firms [email protected] free entry!

EVERY WEDNESDAY Fosters, 20:00 - 02:00 Blackthorn & John Smith’s

a pint

imperialcollegeunion.org 32 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009

HangmanPuttingPutting thethe catcat outout toto drydry [email protected] Beginner’s Guide to Starting an Empire So you’re cool, you’re politically correct...why not take over the world? It’s the next logical step

STEP 3 - Get a parrot and a ruff - Ruffs a training exercise for your crew. It have called them all India) The final AnonymousAnonymous Hangman Editor are fucking amazing! Admittedly not should be a short battle, with no casu- step is how to keep your people happy PAT NODS! very piratey, but you’re a pirate with alties on your side. As soon as they and make some money in the process. You’re probably quite bored of hear- class. A classy pirate with a fuck-off wave the white flag, plant your own on The slave trade has been out of fashion ing about the recession and how you’re ruff! That’s right you’re a fucking pirate top of the Eiffel Tower. This is the of- for some time now, mainly due to the never going to get a job. Well the obvi- with a fuck-off ruff! ficial procedure for claiming France as recession, but with your new empire ous answer to all of our financial prob- your own, as legislated in the Penguin you have the chance to provide jobs, lems is to start an empire. However, STEP 4 - Round up your crew. Lace ‘Pirates handbook 2009’. Congratula- and affordable slaves, en masse. this is not as easy as it sounds! up your boots and kick down the door tions, you now own France. Although of your local tavern. Make sure you’re it may seem exciting to have success- Before you hop on a plane and start wearing your ruff at this point. The fully captured a country, remember colonising China, you have to remem- common landlubbers will see your that France is just the shit-stain on the ber that it has sort of already been col- fuck-off ruff and drool all over the great white underpants that is Europe! onised. Stealing a country is a fine art floor. They should sign up in a matter and Hangman is here to give you the of picoseconds. STEP 7 - Find India. You’ve heard basics to global domination about it, but you don’t really know STEP 5- You now have a crew and a where it is. The best methodical ap- STEP 1 - Before you run off on your STEP 2 - You need a boat. None of this Galleon called Clive. The next step, proach is to sail arbitrarily in any di- raping and plundering escapade, you modern, metal ‘Ooh look at me I’m so possibly the most important step, is rection and to name the first place you need permission from the Queen. Send shiny’ shit! You need a good old-fash- to ensure the safety of your ruff. Only land at as India. her a quick wall post on facebook, e.g ioned fuck-off Galleon! Arm it with you, the Captain, are allowed to wear a fuck-off cannons, fuck-off sails and a ruff and this may put strain on vessel- Remember, it won’t be as easy as ‘Heyyy Lizbo! Howz u? jst wndering tiny little fuck-off crow’s nest! relationships. If tension rises and you France! Hangman’s tip is to sellotape if u wer up 4 invadin France nxt week fear a mutiny, allow them to stroke or two cutlasses together and coil it with LOL! wb xox’ Give it an intimidating name, such as caress your ruff for a very short period multi-coloured christmas tree lights ‘Uber Pwnage’, ‘Harold Shipman’ or of time, under strict supervision. Make until you’re wielding the deadliest If you receive a reply, she will probably ‘Clive’. We’ve overlooked the British sure they wear ruff-friendly gloves. weapon man has seen. Them Indians ask you to make a formal presentation tradition here of naming them after You may want to buy a safe for your won’t know what’s hit them! to a Dragon’s Den style panel consist- our beloved wenches. That’s because ruff. ing of Helen Mirren, David Attenbor- the only female name that you don’t STEP 8 - The Slave Trade - Being a ough and Pat Sharp from Fun House. If want storming towards you is the SS STEP 6 - Invade France. This is like leader isn’t easy. You should, by now, Congratulations. You now have suc- Pat gives you the executive nod - you’re Beth Ditto and that’s sadly already a tutorial skirmish on any standard have control of a great many countries cessful control of an Empire, a flour- away! been taken. real-time strategy game. Consider this and their people. (Although you may ishing slave trade and a ruff! Easy.

Hangman’s fool proof guide to DISCLAIMER If you have been affected by any of the TTWATTERWATTER topics raised in this issue of Hangman, as shoshownwn by John JaJamesmes or any previous issues, feel free to send SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 OMGZ downing! your thoughts and opinions to Taliban are being knob-heads again [email protected]

Here at Hangman we endeavour to only 1. Begin downing! ever use reliable sources and provide you SexyOsama69 ROFL! We h8 the west. How’s with hard fact. the credit crunch? :p “Hangman is the biggest piece of poorly- written shit I have ever read. How can 2. Fail at a newspaper, belonging to to one of the world’s most respected universities, SUPERACEGORTHEROAR87 Hey Osie, downing allow such crass rubbish?” Hangman check out this link to our top secret Govern- ment files :D http://www.yougotrickrolled.com SexyOsama69 WTF! Gor you’re a tw@ LOL! Totally fell for that. Well gonna bomb a tube 3. Distract train lol attention with Barack_attack_l33thaxor Hey Osie nd Gor, “super cool up 4 sum Halo later? Me and Clinton got global warming summit l8r but cba lol. Guna say i r ill. magic trick” union.ic.ac.uk/acc/footballGor fails at driving warthog lmao felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 33

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Hilarious-drunken-mate-at- Should the BNP have free media coverage? Halloween photos of the week Give them free media coverage - I’d love to watch some alternative comedy for a change. Anonymous

They’re idiots. Giving them free media coverage will show them for who they are. So let them. Question Time showed us that we have nothing to be scared of in Nick Griffin. Physicist

Harbouring even more support for the BNP throughout the country can only be a bad thing. We can’t withold their right to media coverage other parties recieve however. But that’s the problem. Anonymous

NICK GRIFFIN LOOKS LIKE MY MUM :( Scientist NEXT WEEK’S CATNIP QUESTION: RREGGAEEGGAE RREGGAE,EGGAE, KETCHUPKETCHUP OROR BBBQBQ ONON CHIPS?CHIPS? DISCUSS!DISCUSS! EMAIL TO

He’s either really likes candles, or he’s vomming into a pumpkin. 20 year old girl + dragon costume (age 5-6) = above. We could [email protected] What a lad, he’s even theming his vomiting. Bless the freshers. lighten up this picture and show you a camel toe. We won’t. FACEBOOK Got a picture of your mate being an absolute waste of it on our ‘Felix’ fan page oxygen? Email your photos to [email protected] TEXT US

Senders must have permission to use for submitted photos and accept full responsibility for them on 07832670472 IEF Project Launch Event xkcd.com Join the IEF to celebrate the launch of its details and info odtce Standard ticket Gold ticket Imperial College Business School 6:30pm - 9pm Wednesday 11th November new project in the Western Sahara. Help Student ticket us to provide Saharawi children with much needed resources and healthcare, by opening your hearts and your cheque books under the stunning architecture of Imperial College Business School. Special guests include the Rector of Imperial £50 £15 College London Sir Roy Anderson, world £20 famous surgeon Sir Magdi Yacoub,      \  Aziza Brahim and renowned author Dr Yahia Zoubir. Buy your tickets online now at: www.justgiving.com/ieftickets 34 felix FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2009 COFFEE Coffee BrBreakeak Editor Charlie Murdoch BREAK [email protected]

Bloody Union Stuff Imperial students like: Fun Police 6. Pubic Transport: CharlieChar Murdoch Coffee Break Editor do’ each other on trips. So the base We all love a good bus or tube so system works as follows: packed you actually consider kiss- 1. Knock in to her ing the girl in front of you as the 2. Touch her bum t would appear that I was a wee brain tells you that you can make it train jolts. No? You haven’t even 3. Accidently face plant her bit on the angry side of things when in reality I had no way of travel- been tempted before? Well I really 4. Grab a whole handful of boob. last week. I don’t apologise, as I ling from bus to pavement in one step? recommend it. You can also imple- There is a bonus available if you I was perfectly within my rights. But fuck me I was going to try it! I epic ment a base system if you really get her number/ she doesn’t scream However it appears that a cer- failed. Moving on, me and a certain want to. This will enable you to ex- RAPE whilst point horrified at you. tain person ignored my rant and sent female are giving it another go. I was plain to your mates the exact nature To be honest you have to take the me a snotty e-mail. They will be dealt literally high fiving people on the night of the journey to college with rela- rough with the smooth when it with in one of the most brutal ways bus. That was until I received many tive ease. You can also all try to ‘out- comes to tube dating! possible. strange looks and was forcibly re- Flintoff was sure he nicked a fire engine Anyhoo, I am glad to report that the moved. I maintain the real Police toler- Union has asked some of its Fun Po- ate less fun than the Union Fun Police. lice to take a bit of a back seat, but they (That’s a good story but the majority is are still there! Yet I do believe that the made up- ed). Finally I spent the week- Union is actually a good place to go. end down at Brands Hatch doing all the Food wise there is a lot of work to be mechanics with the race team I work a This week’s best of lol catz done, but where else in South Ken can bit for. We were doing pretty well, got a you go to get a cheap drink, and then second in the first race and were look- take it outside to a chill in a (normally) ing good for two drivers on the podium grassy Quadrange? The other thing is in the second. That was until one of our that all the money we spend in the Un- drivers piled flat chat into the side of ion comes straight back to us, which is another who had spun and come to nice, so I spend more. rest in the middle of the track. Luck- Well, I think that is enough of Un- ily neither was hurt, but it took a good ion fun loving for quite sometime, and 15 minutes to get them both out, the I will attempt to entertain you on the marshals even put screens up round subject of on goings in my life recently. the one car. We were shitting it and the Humm, well in order of chronological boss went hypersonic with rage, was all order I tore my foot up falling off a bus. a bit if an eye opener, because they are I mean what type of idiot parks his bus just 17 and 20 and should have been up a distance from the kerb that your hurt. They were lucky boys indeed.

Arthur Lewis: “The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn’t have to attend all those meetings.” Quote of the Week Wordoku 1,443 Slitherlink 1,443

Solution 1442 Solution 1442 E G D N 2322 2 B O K T Y D N I R 3 2 2 2 2 S G R 3 3223 N R Y K O I T B D 3 3 33 2 D I T B N R K O Y 1 2 2 R N O R N O D B T Y K I 2 3 2 3 2 3 D O R K T I O R Y D N B 1 3 3 2 2 1 1 2 Y D B N I K R T O 132 3 2 O Y D I T N B R K 2 2 321 2 G E U O 2 2 T B R Y K O I D N 2 2 2 2 223 3 1 E D G I K N R D B O Y T 3 2 2 2 3 E G U 222 2 N E S How to play: Slitherlink was hotly contested Wordoku is identical to last week, with many answers fi ll- U D E G Sudoku; we’ve just replaced 2 3 3 ing our mailbox. And for this we numbers with letters. thank you, however we commend Complete the puzzle and Matthew Kelvin’s brilliant (and Ermm. Yes I managed to cock this up again. then send the whole grid to 2 20 3 winning) attempt. Well done. Trust me it’s not normal for me. However He- sudoku.felix@imperial. In Cheon still managed to win! However this ac.uk. You will not get credit How to play: one I have been assured is correct, but remem- for just the word alone. It’s not 212 3 ber there is also and A in this word. an anagram. It’s quite simple, all numbers are in a cell and must be surrounded with 2 2 3 2 1 a corresponding number of lines. Scribble box Lines cannot split and there can only be one continuous line. Any 3 3 2 3 cells with no numbers can have any 3 number of lines. Look at the solu- tion above for help. felix FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2009 35 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Intersection 1,443 FUCWIT How to play: Solve the clues (given in order: top-to-bottom & left-to-right) League Table and fit the answers into the grid. Only letters contributing to the horizontal answers (and blank spaces) may occupy the middle TTeams:eams: section. Not all columns contain a vertical answer. There are no empty rows or columns in the solution. Harry Potter Trio 29 Points The Tough Brets 19 Points Below is an example of what a solved grid might look like. I Hate Medic scum 9 Points Send your solutions to [email protected] Individuals:Individuals:

P C A Matthew Colvin 32 Points A O H E N Bethan Matthews 24 Points R L I K M T N C O F F E E B R E A K Herens Tibaut 12 Points F E L I X N E W S P A P E R The Felix University/College-Wide Invitational Tournament League is E I Z L new and improved, with prizes for both the winning team and the win- C N O E ning individual. K G N So you get points for doing the puzzles and at the end of the year, the winning team and the winning individual will win an iPod nano! Horizontal: Vertical: 5 points for the 1st correct answers for all puzzles on these pages, 4 1) (An epigynous) fruit (9) 1) Top of head (5) points for 2nd, 3 points for 3rd, 2 points for 4th and 1 point for 5th. Dou- 2) More senior than commander (7) 2) Capital of Lebanon (6) ble points will be awarded for cryptic crossword answers. 3) Authoritative or official decision (6) 3) A muscle (5) 4) German mathematician - ‘____’ strip (6) Now then FUCWITs, answers to [email protected]. Go! 5) To make bigger (8) 6) Short refreshing sleep (5,3) Nonogram 1,443 Going Underground 2 2 2 2 How to play: 1 38622892 2 Last week’s winner was Abhimanyu Each letter in the alphabet is assigned a Chugh a big well done, it’s so nice to value, 1-26 (see table) and every word The numbers represent the size and order of blocks in each 1 hear from new people. There were has a value equal to sum of the values column and row. There must be at least one space between actually two correct answers, WEST of its letters. Scan and send the Un- each block. See last week’s solution below for more help. 9 ACTON and STOCKWELL, points derground station that is hidden each were awarded for both. week to [email protected] Solution 1442 9

N P Q R S T U X Y 2 1 2 1 1 1 3 Well, Nonogram 1 2 2 A B C D E F G H I J K L M O V W Z 1 4 6 5 2 1 1 4 1 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 3 1 1 281 1 1 1 2 returned last week, and 2 3 many of you seemed to 2 2 1 4 1 enjoy it, even though there was no explanation 2 2 B A N K 4 1 1 = 28 2+1+14+11=28. Job done. how to do it! So we put 2 1 14 11 5 1 1 2 2 4 1 one in. I hope that this makes it easier. Winner 5 1 So which London tube station sums to 176? was Kelvin Wong, 2 2 1 2 2 2 another new face. Keep 1 3 1 2 4 sending solution in and ______1 4 1 = 176 we’ll keep on making 2 2 3 2 puzzles.

sstrucktruck “To the sexiest guy in 3M MechEng: stuff i could teach you! PS sorry for stick with my love nest.” ffelixelix LLoveove Want to fit your battery cells in my running.” Stumpy packaging sometime?” Goring the Labbie Ginger honey bunny “I think I want to touch you 4th year 07726 799 424 “Saw you in the EEE toilets my dear Materials blond girl. I look at you “To the northern angry-looking SAC Adamo. It was HUGE” in lectures and seriously, what the monkey, i want to turn your frown Electrical boy fuck else am I going to do with this Seen that special and your torso upside down.” thing?” person? Could be Big Wave Dave “To biology boy with bike helmet, I Banns En Oh know you feel it too, take me out for a the one? Want to “To ACC chair, i want you ball deep spin, I want to ride you...” “The grumpy boy in the union last in my ass. love xxx ” Sexy Stalker Wednesday at ACC. i found out see them again? Your Mum that your mum was scottish. Want “Your mum is bullshit anonymous.” to get her in on the act too?” struckstruck “You the curious fresher i met at acc. LoveStruck Aberdeen Angus Text LLoveove You’d just beaten the medics and to get a free union you’d had a bit to drink. I know you “To fresher Dave, you may be mark “I was on my period, next week?.” were bad in bed but i’ve got loads of II but i still want to caress your 36.5” Miss Blobby lunch together! 36 felix FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2009 COFFEE BREAK [email protected] A quickie (crossword) 1,443

1 2 3 4 4 5 6 7 ACROSS going to suck you off. No, forget about it; just ______, or I am 8 1 Short prose tale (7) calling the filth. Stick it up your Solution 1442 5 Lanky bird (5) arse!” (3,2,2) 8 Where nice ladies may be found, 4 Annual practical joke occasion T H E L O S T F I C E U P 8 9 showing us their cans, every day. (5,5,3) E O T O P A E R N D X U I (4,5) 5 Spread - Stain - Vilify (5) M A H A T M A O D A T E S 12 10 9 Can holder (3) 6 Medieval dungeon - Elite bout P G O D I D A T I R R P S 10 Posh boat (5) (anag.) (9) L A S T C R U S A D E H C E U D A S E N A N S M R O 10 11 12 12 Shetland capital and port - Crew 7 Single testicle - Dealer of broken ilk (anag.) (7) horses (7) O D D E B A L S A G A R C 13 Poetic division (from “La Divinia 11 In a Baldrick-like manner (9) F L U F R N I O J L E Y K F I S H O R T R O U N D T Commedia”?) (5) 13 Single testicle - Shoesmith (7) D K T L N I N G N P O T N 14 Not youngster (7) 15 Vandal (7) O H M I C T O C E A N I A 13 14 15 16 Single breast - City on the Avon 17 Severe pang of pain - Agonising O L A H H T R A S N C L Z (7) struggle (5) M A N S I Z E D T S E M I 16 18 18 Father of modern psychoanalysis 19 Atkins, F-plan, Weight Watchers, (most famous for appearance in Fat Fighters? (5) “Bill and Ted”) (5) 22 Single buttock - bread roll (3) 16 17 18 19 20 Laboriously haul (3) 21 May be shortened (9) Scribble box 21 22 23 Blank verse doesn’t... (5) A nice little quickie for you this week, 24 Boy’s underpants, why? (1-6) lots of answers in last week – please keep them coming. Big hand and 20 21 22 DOWN much admiration to Matthew Kelvin for another winning puzzle this week. 24 1 Bitingly cold (5) One more and you get to keep the 2 Celery and potatoes and carrots match ball! As usual wing answers to: 23 24 and that (3) [email protected]. 3 Allow something to pass - “Jesus, Weej - for the last time I am not Crossword by Peter Logg

Morrow-scopes! Horoscopes, but now subsequent Prepare for the ride of your life. Aquarius through to Capricorn. Strap yourself in. Not too tightly though

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

Sodomy, necrophilia, Hey Mr Engineer! You made the mistake You spot a bear in the genital mutilation, Enjoying your of asking Osama Bin garden, grab a gun and paedophilia, bestial- mega cockfest ball? Laden how he made shoot the bear. You call ity - you’ve taken the  Checking out the  his halloween costume  to your son to say it’s safe  heights of sordidness talent I see. Don’t last week. Turns out it to come down. Another into the strato- even bother trying wasn’t a costume. The bear roars down the sphere. ‘Gratz mate you’ve been accepted into to impress the only good looking girl with your Taliban are out to get you, with bazookas and eve- stairs and you blow it’s head off too. Suddenly bears the Guiness Book Of Records for ‘The most knowledge of fluid mechanics, she does Biology rything. They’re gonna catch up with you and cause leap out of a police car, you shoot and shoot but twisted cunt in the world’. How about retiring you twat. That leaves you with the obvious dike you and your family unfamiliar amounts of misery. there are too many. They knock you down and ask to the country now? Nah, your not finished, no in the corner, go home now and have a group You’ll cry. Bin Laden doesn’t like crying. He gouges why you’re shooting everyone. You realise you’re a one’s fucked a mummified corpse yet... wank with your bridge building wanker mates. out your eyeballs and uses them as his own. bear, a fucking hot lady bear too. Kinky.

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

Well, you touched You go to Tescos and So you come home I’m sorry but ultimate a little kid did you? buy a sandwich. You one night and find frisbee is not a sport. I Fucking hell, first join a long and tedi- a girl passed out on mean, for fucks sake a anal beads, now ous queue for the self- your bathroom floor. dog can play it! Please  little kids? I was  service check-outs. Your moral conscience stop spamming my wondering why you You finally get your plays havoc with you. inbox with 20 shitty bought a baby bottle and were cutting off the top till. You press ‘start’. You look for your barcode. Her tights are already ripped, but then they do emails a day, I don’t care if the ‘disk doctors’ are and replacing it with a condom. That’s fucking FUCK WHERE’S THE BARCODE!? Everyone is smell. Wait a minute, is she dressed as a Michael having wicked party tonight with their crazy disgusting but innovative. The Royal Engineering staring at you and shaking their head. You never Jackson? This is far too confusing for you to deal drinking games. I only joined the mailing list Society decided they’ll give you their top prize for find the barcode. That’s because it’s your penis with; where’s the heroin? Can’t find a vein this because I pitied you. Admit it, you want to wear a innovative science this week. in your hand. Dirty pervert. time, sonny? Those blue lights were your idea. skirt and play netball with the other girlies.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

So this guy picks me His name is Bobby, You brand your Thirty minutes till up and takes a bite ooh ohh, Bobby de new invention the deadline! Need a out of me. Now I’m a Niro, aah aah, he’s a BabyBlowJobs. You’ve printer! All computers BLT, a pretty bitchin’ lovely person, ooh ooh, even got a website. are taken up by fuck-ups sandwhich if I might  and a very good actor, Well done you. You playing WOW! Smack a say. I look into his aah aah. But when he’s take the BabyBlowJob fuck-up! Get thrown out mouth where he’s contently chewing a mouthful not acting, it is said he is boring, but I do not onto Dragon’s Den, and Theo Paphitis does of library! 15 minutes! Use girlfriend’s computer! of me. Eugh! Close your gob you freak, fucking believe this, it is you who is boring. Fuck! people not like your invention one bit. “It’s just not Girlfriend’s shagging best mate! Smack best mate! brace-face, I’m going to throw up mayonaise all have got to get some chat soon. If I hear “you something I think my kids would enjoy. For that Best mate is harder than you! Best mate fucks you over your shitty clothes. I hate being a library cafe know you’re at Imperial when...” once more I’m reason, I’m out.” Deborah shows some vague up! Deadline missed! Year failed! Smack small sandwhich, it’s full of horrible losers. going to shove a kitten through a wood chipper. interest, but realises you’re just a disgusting c*nt. child! Get arrested! Get gaoled! Life Over!!!!!! Pint? felix FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER 2009 37 [email protected] COFFEE BREAK Aunty McPickle is sick of you disgusting people. Eurgh

Dear Aunty McPickle,

One night last week, I met this girl who was super hot and very very keen. We went back to mine and without any encouragement she un- dressed and said sternly “lets just do it”. I could hardly believe my luck and gleefully fell into bed.

She decided to go all deep throat and again I was feeling pretty happy, until she literally started to gag and choke. Before I jump to safety, she was spaghetti-sick all over my groin- al districts. It was terrible. I imme- diately sent her on her way and have since had a lot of trouble with hun- ger and sexual arousal. Usually spaghetti’s quite an appealing prospect after a night out, but not when it’s spewing out your girlfriend’s mouth and onto your pubes What can I do?

Maximus Lupus Dear Aunty McPickle, Dear Gerhard, Dear Aunty McPickle, your ability to get and maintain an erection (often called ‘brewer’s droop’). Dear Max, I was in ethos the other day on a gym I hope this wasn’t also when the air I have a problem with Sambuca. I In the longer term, it interferes with the date with this girl I have liked for conditioning was kaputt at ethos? seem to get drunk and then com- production of testosterone, which can I would avoid eating spaghetti for a ages. I was trying to impress her by Mmmmm the best thing might be to pletely forget that I shouldn’t drink reduce your libido. good while. Maybe you should try to get lifting some hefty weights, when the just move on. it. It gives me complete impotence over your trauma by trying expressing old man in front of me bent down and is obviously pretty embarrass- I suggest you watch your drinking in it in art. It’s a pretty modern concept and farted in my mouth. It literally If it really smelt that bad, I doubt she’ll ing. What excuse can I give for not general and maybe try to particularly and sure to ruffle some feathers if the tasted of macaroni cheese and I had be able to forget and explaining it will drinking it? I hate my life. avoid spirits such as Sambuca. girl in question recognises the mess. to stop myself from retching. just further incriminate you. Hopefully with time you will dissociate The girl however seemed to read this Regards, You could just blame it on an intoler- yourself from this horrific memory. suppressed retch face as guilty and Sorry. Spencer ance or allergy. If the problem doesn’t has since not so much as smiled in go away you should consider going to Yours, Aunty McPickle xxx my direction. HELP! Aunty McPickle xxx Hi Spencer, see the GP.

Gerhard Guffster Drinking too much alcohol can affect Aunty McPickle xxx Harass commuters with RAG!

Do you know those really annoy- doners for their money! When?What time? Where? Charity Collectors ing people at Tube stations waving Our confirmed collections include their collection buckets in your face, our beloved South Ken Station, as well Sat, 7th Nov All day Marylebone Rail Crisis while asking you for change? Those as around and outside the Emirates Sta- Station 6 max wacky altruists who expect dium before an Arsenal-Chelsea you to donate some of your Match, and includes free food in Thurs, 19th Nov All day Bond Street Tube Great Ormond St Hospital 2 max hard-earned student loan the hospitality area. to a good cause? Well now’s Our collection permits for Sat, 7th Nov All day South Kensington Great Ormond St Hospital 2 max your chance to become one our other dates last all day, but Tube of them! you all have lives, so if you could RAG has secured many spare even two hours, that’d be Sun, 29th Nov 2pm - 4pm Arsenal Emirates Great Ormond St Hospital The more permits for Tube stations all more than enough. Stadium the merrier! around London! You go out If you’re interested in taking part, in groups and harass rich Lon- email us at [email protected]. Sat, 5th Dec All day Old Street Tube Broadway Homelessness & Support 2 max 38 felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 SPORT [email protected]

respective finals. The epee final was a hard-fought Silverware at affair, the Italians and Gilhead nev- er leading by more than a couple of Team Trophy points. With the score at 43-41 to Impe- rial College with 15 seconds to go, Continued from Back Page Colombino dropped two hits and the score was tied at 43-a-piece at the end through the first half of the competi- of regular time. tion in a similar vein, winning all of A minute’s extra time followed, with their matches and coming out tops. the first person to hit declared winner. After a lunch break which involved a After a somewhat messy sequence, Co- lot of impromptu napping, the Direct lombino’s opponent West managed to Elimination (DE) rounds got under- score a remise, and it was all over. way. IC Epee crushed their quarter- A couple of pistes over, the foil final final opponents 45-16, then held firm between Imperial and ULU was in full in their semi to win 45-34 and book a swing. Despite a poor initial bout from place in the final against the LTFC 2nd the captain, losing 5-1, Gilhead and team. Shaw produced some fine fencing to The foilists had lost Colin for the catch up and overtake their opponents. afternoon, but this didn’t stop them. By the time the final bout came After emulating the epeeists in the round, it was just a question of wrap- quarter-final (45-16), they reversed a ping things up. Final score: 45-35 deficit to win their semi-final against Two medals, some good fencing and Wimbledon 43-37 and make sure both a whole lot of confidence : IC fencing’s Imperial College teams were in their Imperial Fencers are all smiles after a successful day at the office hopes are high for this season.

FIXTURES & RESULTS in association with Sports Partnership

SaturdayStS d 31st tO OOctober Wednesday 4th November Hockey Women’s 1st 0 Men’s 2nd vs University of Surrey 1st Football (ULU) Badminton Men’s 1st 2 Brunel University West London 1st 10 Men’s 3rd vs Queen Mary 1st Men’s 1s 4 Men’s 1st 6 Brunel University West London 1st 5 Women’s 2nd vs City University London 1st UCL 2s 3 LSE 1st 2 Men’s 3rd 0 Saturday 7th November Football Men’s 2s 3 Men’s 2nd 6 Royal Holloway 2nd 0 Football (ULU) Men’s 1st vs University of Surrey Men’s 1st Royal Holloway 2s 0 Queen Mary 1st 2 Men’s 2s vs SOAS 1s Men’s 2nd vs University of Greenwich 3rd Women’s 1st 0 Men’s 3s vs LSE 3s Men’s 3rd vs University of the Arts London 3rd Men’s 3s 1 Basketball Brunel University West London 2nd 1 Men’s 4s vs St Barts 2s Women’s 1st vs Roehampton University 1st London South Bank University 1s 1 Men’s 1st 84 Men’s 6s vs King’s College 5s ULU London South Bank University 2nd 81 Women’s 2nd 1 Men’s 7s vs St George’s 3s Men’s 7s vs St George’s 3s Squash University of Sussex 2nd 3 Men’s 1st 1 Fencing Basketball (ULU) Hockey University of Birmingham 1st 4 Men’s 2nd 135 Netball Men’s 1s vs Queen Mary 1s Men’s 1st vs St Mary’s University College 1st University of Portsmouth 1st 74 Women’s 1st 19 Men’s 2nd vs King’s College, London 2nd Men’s 1st 3 Middlesex University 1st 48 Men’s 3rd vs University of Reading 4th Loughborough University 1st 2 Men’s 3rd 129 Sunday 8th November Men’s 4th vs University of Portsmouth 4th City University London 1st 119 Women’s 3rd 13 Football (ULU) Women’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st LSE 3rd 26 Women’s 1s vs St George’s 1s Women’s 2nd vs Imperial College Medicals 2nd Sunday 1st November Women’s 2nd 54 Rugby (ULU) King’s College 1st 135 Rugby Lacrosse (ULU) ULU Women’s 1s 7 Men’s 1st 18 Mixed 1s vs Royal Holloway Mixed 2s Men’s 5s vs Royal School of Mines 1s UCL 1s 52 Football University of Chichester 1st 8 Men’s 1st 0 Rugby (ULU) Lacrosse Squash University of Chichester 2nd 3 Men’s 2nd 40 Women’s 1s vs St George’s 1s Men’s 1st vs Royal Holloway 1st Men’s 1st 4 Royal Veterinary College 1st 7 Women’s 1st vs University of Portsmouth 1st University of Bristol 1st 1 Men’s 2nd 1 Canterbury Christ Church Uni. 4th 3 Men’s 3rd 25 Monday 9th November Netball King’s College Medicals 2nd 5 Basketball (ULU) Women’s 1st vs LSE 1st Monday 2nd November Men’s 3rd 1 Women’s 1s vs London South Bank University 1s Women’s 2nd vs Roehampton University 2nd Basketball (ULU) Universities at Medway 2nd 1 Women’s 3rd vs City University London 1st Women’s 1s 98 Squash Netball (ULU) Goldsmiths 1s 12 Women’s 1st 1 Men’s 2nd 2 Women’s 2s vs Imperial College Medicals 3s Rugby Middlesex University 1st 7 Brunel University West London 1st 3 Women’s 3s vs Royal Veterinary College 3s Men’s 1st vs University of Portsmouth Men’s 1st Netball (ULU) Women’s 4s vs King’s College 5s Men’s 2nd vs UCL 1st Reserve Cup ULU Men’s 4th 2 Men’s 3rd vs Imperial College Medicals 3rd Women’s 3s 18 Men’s 4s 2 University of Reading 2nd 1 Men’s 4th vs Anglia Ruskin University 1st Imperial College Medicals 3s 38 King’s College 4s 1 Tuesday 10th November Women’s 1st vs Middlesex University 1st Women’s 1st 4 Squash(ULU) Women’s 4s 5 Men’s 5s 7 LSE 1st 0 Women’s 1s vs Imperial College Medicals 1s Squash King’s College Medicals 2s 62 UCL 6s 2 Men’s 1st vs Leeds Metropolitan Carnegie 1st Table Tennis Men’s 2nd vs University of Surrey 1st Squash (ULU) Men’s 6s 3 Men’s 1st 12 Wednesday 11th November Men’s 3rd vs City University London 1st Men’s 4s 4 Royal Veterinary College 2s 1 Brunel University West London 1st 5 Badminton Men’s 4th vs University of Surrey 2nd UCL 3s 0 Men’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st Women’s 1st vs UCL 1st Men’s 7s 1 Tennis Women’s 1st vs University of Chichester 1st Water Polo (ULU) Imperial Medicals 4s 1 Men’s 1st 10 Table Tennis Mixed 1s 9 University of Brighton 1st 0 Basketball Men’s 1st vs University of Kent 1st Imperial College Medicals Mixed 1s 9 Golf Men’s 1st vs Canterbury Christ Church University 1st Men’s 1st 1 Men’s 2nd 6 Women’s 1st vs St George’s 1st Tennis LSE 1st 5 University of Essex 1st 4 Men’s 2nd vs UCL 3rd Fencing Women’s 1st vs LSE 1st felix FRIDAY 06 NOVEMBER 2009 39 [email protected] SPORT Jovan Nedić: Undue Pressure Hinders Perfomance

mperial beat the Medics. If you more relaxed with people having fun. play sport at Imperial, this sent- Alternatively, you don’t want them to ance is not so much of a shock, be too relaxed otherwise they won’t I as the vast majority of our teams perform well again. It is finding that regularly beat them; the Football balance of being relaxed yet, at the Club don’t even put out their 1st team same time, having the desire to beat against the Medicals at Varsity. What is the opposition that is the key. surprising, is that this headline is now I have already heard muttering about associated with the Rugby 1st team, as Varsity and how the recent win means shown in last week’s issue. that things should be a lot better for For years we have been trying to get IC this year. Bollocks! Forget about one over the old enemy, yet time and Varsity, it’s four months away! A lot time again we fail to per-form and end of things can happen in that time. In up getting more and more agitated that fact, it would probably be best if the we were unable to beat them. First of all, let’s just put into context the re- cent 13-6 win for Imperial. As already mentioned, Imperial have not beaten “Why is so the Medicals for several years now, in fact, the last time the 1st XV beat them much hype and was in the Gutteridge Cup Final (ULU Cup) in 2004. That is just before I even expectation put on started at Imperial, whilst the majority of you were probably learning how to the games against approach and talk to a girl (admittedly, for some of you, this didn’t even hap- the medics?” pen then but probably occurred quite a few years later!). Imperial’s forward dominance of their own scrums gave the impressive backline time to attack the medics In recent years, the game has been players forgot about the win all to- close, with the last two Varsity encoun- gether, for now, and focused on each ters both going into extra time - both them. Thanks to live reporting talents same wouldn’t happen again. Luckily, really understand, why is so much game individually. The one thing that times, Imperial were in the lead and of an old club captain, by this I mean they held out to the end and came away hype and expectation put on the games they should take away is confidence. then lost it at the end. The same can regular e-mails during the game, I was as the victors. against the medics? Do you think the They need to believe that they are be said for the 2nd and 3rd XV, whose able to follow the match from Poitiers The problem we have is a simple one. same amount of pressure was put on good enough to beat any opposition games are just as close (I have to point in France. Below is the transcript of Whenever Imperial play the Medicals, the players for this weeks game against that comes up against them. The same out that the 3rd team have managed one of his emails: there is a lot of hype, a huge build- Chichester Men’s 1st? applies to all the other sports, this in- to beat their opposition on one occa- “13-6 up lasting several weeks with people Without the pressure to win, players cludes you Netball girls out there who I sion). Even the Old Boys’ team had a Godfrey pen...I say it again...they are saying such things as “We must beat are more relaxed and end up playing know have been having the same prob- chance a few weeks ago, and the same only in the game cos of the them” and “This is the only game that to a better standard than if they were lem as the rugby club with respect to thing happened then as it did when pens. Our boys are looking a bit matters this season”. As a result, a lot nervous. This is the same for any sport; beating the Medics. Never ever think they were students; to put it bluntly, nervy.” of pressure is put on the players to per- take the Football Club who, like I have that your opponent is better than you, they bottled it. My heart almost sank when I saw form and get out of the rut that they already mentioned, don’t even put out otherwise they WILL get the better of This is the crux of the matter when that last sentence. The one thing that have been in for nearly six years, and their 1st team against the Medicals at you. Be strong and confident in your the Imperial rugby teams play the has let us down time and time again as we have seen, sometimes nerves get Varsity. Instead, what they do is let the abilities and everything will work out. Medicals, their nerves get the better of are our nerves, and I was hoping the the better of you. This is what I don’t leavers play and the atmosphere is a lot And most of all, forget about Varsity.

Girls, Weed, Booze... And a Little bit of Sailing

Continued from Back Page penalty for his careless actions. Our overall position was a respect- With this in mind we were expecting able 4th out of 6. Unfortunately our to lose the game and finish with a re- clubhouse bar had been drunk dry sounding last, but with our first couple the previous Wednesday for the Pirate of races we saw that each member of themed Social, so we couldn’t celebrate the new Imperial Team had the skill to in a fitting manner. win races, we just needed to work to- Sunday brought more racing and gether as a team to get the results. much more wind. A series of 10 Large amounts of weed at the first short, fast races took place and an F1 mark gave us our first win against ULU style high scoring system was imple- 3rds when Devin Goonewardena ag- mented. Imperial’s very own Michelle gressively forced a ULU boat right into Ryder came 2nd out of the 12 boats it, taking them out of the race and giv- present, sailing well in the challenging ing us a one boat advantage to go on conditions. for an easy win. The Foot proved to be a good warm Our aggressive tactics paid off until up for our next event- the Welsh Drag- we started pushing things too far and on, where we will have to listen to all our commodore, Gavin MacAulay col- the Welsh men moan about the male/ lided with another boat and received a sheep ratio. Imperial Sailors fight for water at the first event of the year: The “Foot Trophy” 06

Send in your sport reports: . [email protected] 11 . felixSport High resolution photos only 09 Ultimate Frisbee success in Hatfield Pierre McCarthy Ultimate Frisbee rors, and an improvement in Surrey’s performance, which lead to Surrey coming back to 6-6. Fortunately dD1 Last weekend Imperial College’s Ul- pulled it out of the bag on sudden timate Frisbee Team, the discDoctors death, winning 7-6. (dD), went to Hatfield for the Indoor dD2 and dD3 were enjoying them- Regionals. selves more against more evenly dD1 got off to a good start, comfort- matched opponents and won their ably winning their pool, conceding games to set up a dD2 vs dD3 final for only a handful of points on the way. The Spoon. dD2 and dD3 had a tougher time in An enjoyable match produced great the group stages, but fought valiantly performances from the freshers and against talented opposition. experienced players, with dD2 sneak- Later on in the day things started to ing in a couple of extra scores to win. get interesting. dD1 then played Surrey Scorpions dD1 were aiming for a top 3 spot again in a 3 vs 4 game which would de- to qualify for the Division 1 Nation- termine whether dD1 would qualify for als, while dD2 and dD3 were looking the Division 1 or Division 2 Nationals. to win matches against more evenly The Scorpions came out stronger in matched opponents. this tie, and both teams were trading dD1 played the Mowhawks, repre- points in another tight game. senting the University of Sussex in a After the final buzzer, Surrey had very competitive and evenly matched 2 emerged 7-6 victors placing dD1 in vs 3 game which the Mowhawks went fourth. on to win 8-6. dD1 are looking forward to proving Disappointed about losing for the their worth in the Division 2 Nation- first time of the day, dD1 came out of als in Manchester in a couple of weeks the blocks strongly during their next time. All three discDoctors teams game against the Surrey Scorpions, emerged with an award, dD2 winning taking a 5-0 lead. the Spoon, dD3 winning the prize for What followed was a calamity of er- Best Spirit of the Game. Warm up at The Foot Fencers mean business Chris O’Donnell Sailing in a low point scoring system, the team with the lowest points wins the race Indy Leclercq Fencing The Imperial foil team emerged vic- this year, and this was the first chance and the team that wins the most races, torious and the Epee team lost the final to test the new teams out before the The weekend beginning 24th saw the wins the event. by a single hit after extra time. BUCS matches to be held in December. first event of the Sailing Club calendar, The second day was taken up with The Fencing men’s 1sts got their sea- Despite not being at their most rested Sluggish starts notwithstanding, the and the first event for the new sailing fleet racing where every man and son off to a bright start last Saturday (due to various amounts of Halloween top-seeded foilists raced through their team - The “Foot Trophy”. It was host- woman sails for themselves. at the London Team Trophy, organised festivities the previous night), the four poule of four, laying waste to their more ed by The Castaways, known as Alum- Our main competitors were the by the University of London Union foilists (Colin Auclair, Ed Collier, Rob modest opponents and taking less than ni to the non-initiated, from University current ULU teams, who were previ- fencing club. Shaw & Indy Leclercq) and three epee- 45 hits over the three matches. of London sailing club. ous winners of BUSA, the nationwide Open to all fencers in the capital, the ists (Marcello Colombino, Alessandro They ended up ranked first after The weekend was split up into team University team racing league, and the field was made up of universities (such Costamagna & Ed Gilhead) turned up poules, and in good shape for the racing on the first day, which for those Castaway team, the guys who won it. as UCL and ULU), and clubs (includ- at the crack of dawn (O.K 0930 GMT) knockout round. The epeeists got who don’t know; consists of two teams ing The London Thames Fencing Club all fired up and ready to win. of three boats racing against each other Continued on Page 39 and Saxon) for a total of 42 teams. The first team is in the premiership Continued on Page 38