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“INSPECTOR GADGET”
- pilot -
FADE IN:
EXT. GADGET’S HOUSE – DAY
A peaceful sunny day. Birds twitter.
EXT. GADGET’S BACK YARD – DAY
BRAIN digs in the yard.
A SPATULA turns burgers on a backyard grill. PAN UP to show it’s GADGET’s spatula hand. He wears a chef’s hat made of raincoat material.
GADGET Ah, Penny! This is the kind of day that makes you glad that the part of you that’s not a bunch of gears, motors and pulleys is alive!
ANGLE: Penny sits behind a table in the garden, blindfolded, with half a dozen METAL PARTS on the table in front of her.
UNDERCRANK: like a soldier field-stripping a rifle, Penny assembles the pieces before her into a HEDGE TRIMMER. She “cocks” the trimmer like a rifle, removes the blindfold and clicks a STOPWATCH.
PENNY (shaking her head) Seven seconds.
GADGET Penny, is that really necessary?
PENNY Uncle, if you were ever locked in a small pitch-black shed with only a disassembled hedge-trimmer and heavily-armed bad guys returning in six-point-two seconds, you wouldn’t ask that. 2
GADGET But Penny, what are the chances of that ever happening?
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DUNGEON – DAY
Gadget sits tied up with rope on the floor of a dark room. Penny kneels behind him, struggling with his ropes to no avail.
SUPER: 5 MINUTES LATER.
BAD GUY (OFF) We should be inside that unused tool shed in 6.2 seconds, fellas - and then it’s bye-bye to Gadget forever!
EXT. GADGET’S YARD – DAY
SUPER: 10 MINUTES LATER.
Gadget, back at the barbecue, removes bits of cut-off ROPE RESTRAINTS from around his shoulders and waist.
GADGET Yowsers! You were right, Penny, that sure saved our bacon. Ah, here comes Brain with the mail!
ANGLE: Brain drags the entire MAILBOX, post and all, across the lawn. Gadget, spatula arm replaced with his regular arm, bends and comes up with a fistful of envelopes.
GADGET The Genealogical Society. Penny, it’s those valuable and irreplaceable daguerreotypes of your great-great-great grandfather!
Not looking, he puts this envelope behind him, on the lit barbecue.
GADGET 3
What else do we have here?
Behind him, the envelope FOOMS into flames on the grill.
GADGET The non-refundable reservations and plane tickets for our long- awaited trip to Holland!
He puts this packet behind him on the grill. FOOM!
GADGET I’m looking forward to learning to speak Hollandaise. (a thick envelope) And all our foreign money for the vacation! Better keep a close eye on this wad, huh?
He puts the thick packet behind him. FOOM!
GADGET It’s a good time for us to get out of town - crime in Metro City’s almost as low as that time when I accidentally arrested everybody.
EXT. METRO CITY STREET – DAY (FLASHBACK)
Deserted street with a ghost-town wind. A TUMBLEWEED bowls into frame. We hear a WHISTLE. Gadget runs into frame, pursuing the tumbleweed, blowing the whistle.
GADGET Stop! You’re under arrest! Don’t roll away from me!
EXT. GADGETS’S BACK YARD – DAY
Penny has doubts.
PENNY I still feel instead of going on vacation we should have spent this time at home building up an immunity to scorpion poison.
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She holds up a SCORPION, pulls out her top and drops it down her front. She grimaces and gyrates.
GADGET All work and no play, Penny. (another envelope:) Ah, our passports and the original copies of our birth certificates!
On the barbecue they go. FOOM! Gadget reaches OFF for the next package, which is bulkier.
GADGET Special Delivery from a “Doctor WALC,” postmarked “Downtown Evil.” Go-Go-Gadget X-Ray!
A hi-tech DEVICE comes out of Gadget’s hat and looms over the package. X-RAY POV through the device’s lens: a bowling-ball- with-a-wick type of BOMB, with “BOMB” written on it.
GADGET Wowsers! This reminds me of the time Dr. Claw UPS’d me that armed assassin...
SWISH TO an armed assassin in the corner of Gadget’s yard, wrapped in mailing paper and string and covered in stamps. The guy struggles inside his package. SWISH BACK to Gadget. The X- ray retracts back into his hat. He puts the package on the barbecue.
GADGET When will Dr. Claw learn I’m not a complete noodle-headed buffoon?
KABOOM!
ANGLE: Gadget’s head lands in the flower garden. Gadget looks up at Penny.
GADGET Steaks are done.
EXT. MAYOR MARKHAM’S HOUSE - DAY
5
A nice residence.
EXT. MAYOR’S YARD - DAY
MAYOR MARKHAM stands on a diving board in his 1920s bathing suit and Buster Keaton swim cap.
WIDER: There are many DENTS in the lawn below the diving board, but there is no pool.
MAYOR MARKHAM I’ve been diving head-first into this lawn for six years now, Quimby. Do you know why?
The long-suffering CHIEF QUIMBY humors his boss.
CHIEF QUIMBY In search of bait worms, sir?
MAYOR MARKHAM Because I don’t have a pool. And I don’t have a pool because Metro City doesn’t make enough from tourism to pay me a decent Mayor’s salary. What attracts tourists to a town, Quimby?
Before Quimby can really consider it:
MAYOR MARKHAM Jaw-dropping, eye-filling spectacle! (rapturously) Like the annual return of the buzzards to Hinckley, Ohio!
CHIEF QUIMBY Buzzards, sir?
MAYOR MARKHAM I can see them now, magnificent flesh-stripping beasts, winging thousands of miles from their summer home at a meat dumpster in the Yukon to make their annual crowd-pleasing appearance. They 6
can pick a prospector clean in under ten minutes. Less, if he’s already dead. Tourists come all the way from Saturn! Why can’t we have buzzards, Quimby?
CHIEF QUIMBY Sir, if I may inject a note of rationality – one can’t change a bird’s migration patterns merely to suit one’s tourism needs.
MAYOR MARKHAM Did I hear the word “can’t” Quimby? That’s the first syllable of cantaloupe and you know how much I hate cantaloupe.
CHIEF QUIMBY Yes sir.
MAYOR MARKHAM Call every newspaper in the world. Tell them we’ll have feathered messengers of death flocking to Metro City by the thousands next Friday. Then make it happen. Cannonball!
Markham dives off the board into the grass. O.S. SPLAT! as Quimby is hit by lumps of flying dirt.
INT. QUIMBY’S OFFICE - DAY
Penny and Gadget has been briefed.
CHIEF QUIMBY We’ve got to lure a hundred thousand turkey buzzards here by Friday, thanks to our crazy Mayor.
GADGET Tut-tut, Chief! I won’t have that administrative genius disparaged. Was Mayor Markham crazy when he proclaimed “Let’s All Hop On One Foot Until We’re Millionaires 7
Week”?
EXT. CITY STREET – DAY (FLASHBACK)
Normal urban goings-on, except that everybody in sight – pedestrians, babies, mailmen – are all hopping on one foot.
INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE – DAY
The Chief’s contempt is undiminished.
CHIEF QUIMBY Yes.
GADGET (thinks) Bad example. Although, without that week several of the town’s surgeons specializing in re- stitching severed hamstrings might have suffered acute financial setbacks.
CHIEF QUIMBY We have four days to lure those birds here from Ohio. You both know the town’s Medical Examiner and criminologist, Doctor Valerie Vavavavoom.
SULTRY MUSIC as the gorgeous, slinky and stacked DR. VAVAVAVOOM enters in a short lab coat. She has eyes only for Gadget.
PENNY (hostile) I know her all right.
VALERIE (pron: “ga-jhay”) Gadget.
She’s French. She takes Gadget’s hand and kisses it, nibbling on his knuckles. He’s oblivious.
GADGET Good to see you again, Dr. Vavavavoom. How are things at the 8
Police Lab?
VALERIE Lonely.
She resumes nibbling.
PENNY Why uncle, is that an insect on your knuckle?
Penny sprays a can labeled POISON on Gadget’s hand... and in Valerie’s face. Valerie coughs and chokes.
CHIEF QUIMBY Tell us what you’ve learned, doctor.
Dr. Vavavavoom shoots Penny a nasty look and uncovers an EASEL with a picture of a BUZZARD. She has a pointer.
VALERIE Buteo Buteo, ze American turkey vulture. Powerful wings, razor- sharp claws, and beaks especially curved to more easily pull ze eyeball out of a dead cow. And when zey mate...
Her lip quivers.
GADGET Let’s just stick with how to get them here, Doctor. What they do in the privacy of their nests is their own birdy business.
VALERIE To attract ze buzzard you need dead mules, and lots of zem.
A HAND comes out of Gadget’s shoulder and scratches his head.
GADGET Problem! The mules in our fine City are a laudably healthy lot...
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EXT. GYM - DAY
A banner outside a gym: “BILLY BLANK’S TAE-BO FOR MULES.” THUMPY MUSIC from inside.
GADGET (V/O) They really take care of themselves.
VOICE (O.S.) Come on Francis! Lift that thing!
MULE (O.S.) Eeeee-yaw!
INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE – DAY
Gadget confidently concludes:
GADGET But don’t worry, I’m on it like a Belgian on a waffle!
Valerie hands Gadget some heavy books.
VALERIE Gadget, take zis buzzard reading material to ‘elp you bone up.
GADGET (reading titles) “Carrion My Wayward Son.” “Meat: The Parents.” “Lawrence With Arugula.” “The Naked And The Dead, Yum Yum.”
Gadget heads for the door with the books. Penny takes the Chief aside, concerned.
PENNY Chief, my uncle is the world’s finest and smartest crime-fighting machine. Are you sure this assignment isn’t wasting his extraordinary talents?
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Chief’s POV: Gadget is trying to figure out how to open the door with his hands full. He tries putting the doorknob in his mouth.
CHIEF QUIMBY Oh, I think Gadget’s talents will be sufficiently challenged.
Gadget struggles with the doorknob. In the b.g., Valerie, taking down the easel, turns and notices his problem.
VALERIE Oo! Let me ‘elp you!
GADGET No no, I’ve got it.
A THIRD ARM comes out of his pants front and the 3rd hand turns the doorknob.
EXT. CLAW’S MANSION – DAY
Musical STING! as we see, looming over the town (perhaps incongruously cloud-shrouded compared to its sunny surroundings) Dr. Claw’s gloomy mansion on a hill.
INT. CLAW’S LAIR - DAY
BANNER HEADLINE: “Crime At All-Time Low.”
DR. CLAW (O.S.) They rub it in my face!
The newspaper is flung aside in disgust. Behind it we see, now as always from the neck down only, DR, CLAW, sitting and stroking his robot pet MAD CAT, shrouded in evil shadows.
MAD CAT What face?
Dr. Claw strangles Mad Cat and slams her up and down in his lap.
MAD CAT Gaaaaachhhhthhh!!
DR. CLAW Of course crime is down! What can 11
you steal in a town where the Mayor spends his weekends diving into a lawn?
ACROSS THE ROOM, a schnooky villain, THE JUGGLER, awaits his orders. He’s wearing a dopey villain costume and juggling a Spy-vs-Spy-type BOMB, a POWER DRILL and an APPLE.
JUGGLER You ominously summoned me, Doctor Claw?
MAD CAT Hey - how come it’s lit up like a stadium where he’s standing and it’s all shadowy over here? Mmmm- fff!
Claw puts his hand over Mad Cat’s mouth.
DR. CLAW Yes, Juggler. I want a report of all crimes in the pipeline.
JUGGLER Pipeline?
DR. CLAW The pipeline. Crimes in progress; the stuff we’re working on!
JUGGLER Oh. Well. The Weeper was thinking of crying on people’s crackers at a restaurant. Making them all soggy. You know, while I juggle...
The Juggler takes a bite out of the apple mid-juggle.
DR. CLAW How do we make money from that?
JUGGLER (sheepishly) I don’t know. It was just an idea. 12
Claw pounds his fist on the chair.
DR. CLAW We need real crimes! Dastardly acts that spread terror, baffle the police and inconvenience the citizenry!
JUGGLER Y’ever try picking up a soggy cracker? Gross-eroony.
DR. CLAW Wait! What’s this?
JUGGLER What?
Twisting to see, the Juggler drops the heavy bomb on his foot.
JUGGLER Gaaaaaaa!
Claw picks up another SECTION of the paper with the headline “Mayor Announces New Buzzard Tradition.” There’s an Artists Rendition of Metro City flocking with vultures.
DR. CLAW “New Buzzard Tradition”? The germ of a brilliant evil idea just entered my head.
MAD CAT (looking up) What head? Do you know how hard you are to buy earrings for?
Claw squeezes the cat into silence. Its eyes cross and its metal tongue sticks out.
DR. CLAW This is what I get for buying a cat on eBay.
EXT. METRO CITY STREET – DAY
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A newspaper box sells copies of the Metro Daily with the “Crime At All-Time Low” headline. As a citizen bends to make a purchase, the paperbox is knocked off its posts by the GADGETMOBILE.
INT. GADGETMOBILE – DAY (TRAVELING)
Car swerves wildly. Gadget “drives” but with his entire upper body twisted around to look in the back seat. He tosses JUNK in the air as he searches for something. His passenger, the bespectacled mechanical whiz LOONY PURKLE, 20, is terrified.
GADGET (O.S.) Ah, here it is!
Gadget twists back around and takes the wheel, holding a thick Manual in the other hand.
GADGET My Driving Safety manual. If you don’t know these rules, (hand off the wheel to pound the book) you shouldn’t - be - behind - the wheel!
The car swerves dangerously. Gadget addresses the vehicle.
GADGET Take us to Nixon’s Jewelry Store!
The Car’s Dashboard SCREEN flashes as it speaks:
THE GADGETMOBILE I been thinking. This crime thing, what’s it get you? Shot. No future in that. What we gotta get into is home grocery delivery...
GADGET No one’s shooting anyone, Gadgetmobile - I’m giving the owner a consultation on theft- prevention. (to Loony) A good thing you’re coming along 14
Loony; one never knows what new gadgets will be required to keep up with the relentless pace of crime.
Gadget’s driving isn’t the only reason Loony is sweating.
LOONY Actually, that’s not the only reason I’m coming, Mister Gadget. I’ve had my eye on your niece Penny for some time...
GADGET Penny’s quite a girl!
GADGETMOBILE That’s another thing. Women you meet delivering groceries, they ain’t shooting at ya. They hungry, you’ve got a big honkin’ bag of food; they’re glad to see you. That’s a way better ice- breaker than “You’re under arrest,” don’tcha think?
LOONY Penny’s a remarkable woman, sir, and I noticed Nixon’s having a sale on fiftieth-of-a-carat “pre- engagement” rings, and the one thing in the world that would make me happy above all my God, watch out for that old woman!!
Loony grabs the steering wheel.
EXT. STREET – DAY
The Gadgetmobile swerves around a PEDESTRIAN.
GADGETMOBILE (O.S.) ... don’t have to be groceries, we could deliver diapers. All kinda things be comin’ out a baby’s ass.
EXT. NIXON’S JEWELRY – DAY 15
Establishing the jewelry store, with the slogan “We Are Not A Crook!” and a cartoon of Richard Nixon flashing a “peace” sign with a wedding ring on each finger.
INT. JEWELRY STORE – DAY
While Loony looks through a huge magnifying glass at a ring.
SALESGIRL It’s right there.
LOONY Oh I see it now. It’s beautiful.
SALESGIRL And for an extra thirty dollars you can give her these.
She shows Loony a pair of GLASSES with inch-thick lenses.
Gadget has been turned into a POLYGRAPH MACHINE, the leads of which are attached to the face, hands and forehead of a scared CUSTOMER. The pens scribble on the paper.
GADGET Were you planning on robbing this jewelry store?
CUSTOMER No!
GADGET Hmm. “True.” Have you ever set a bride on fire?
CUSTOMER Of course not!
The pens scratch on the paper.
GADGET You obviously didn’t see where you dropped your cigar.
OUTSIDE, a BRIDE with flowers run screaming by, her gown ON FIRE. 16
GADGET Mister Nixon!
ANGLE: The owner, NIXON, is not happy to see Gadget.
NIXON Not you again! Go away I’m closed!
Gadget, his polygraph paraphernalia gone, pursues Nixon.
GADGET (chuckling) How many times must I remind you, my security consultations are absolutely free!
Gadget gestures abruptly and his ARM EXTENDS into a shelf of glass figurines, which shatter.
GADGET They’re as free as Willy. As free as the bird in that Lynyrd Skynyrd song. As free as I am next Friday night if you’d care to join me...
Loony is still looking at the ring, a case, the glasses, and a large home-base-type PAD.
LOONY I’ll take it. Plus the glasses, the case, and this groom’s proposal knee pad.
Outside, the screaming bride runs by, still alight.
LOONY And do you have any bride dousers... just in case?
The salesgirl produces an extinguisher from behind the counter.
SALESGIRL Always a prudent purchase, sir.
INT. SAFE – DAY 17
The owner, his back to Gadget, nervously covers up an expensive and fragile-looking STATUE as Gadget inspects the walk-in safe.
GADGET Hm. Very good. The main thing I recommend for maximum security is that every night, without fail, you close this big door.
GADGET What? (turning) No!
Too late. Gadget closes the safe door with a THUNK, locking them both in.
NIXON You idiot! That door’s on a time- delay. We’re stuck in here for 14 hours!
GADGET Mister Nixon, you’re worried for nothing.
NIXON (glimmer of hope) You have something to open the door?
GADGET Even better than that!
A CARD TABLE folds out of Gadget’s chest. Legs pop down. Two hands of playing cards are already dealt onto the table. Gadget picks up his hand.
GADGET Do you have any sevens?
INT. CHIEF QUIMBY’S OFFICE – DAY
Next day. TIGHT on Gadget and a stunned Chief Quimby, both looking OFF and UP at something in the Chief’s office.
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GADGET ... and my Gadgetary Engineer, the brilliant Loony Purkle, has invented this, for citizens who don’t want a yard full of carnivorous vultures this Friday...
ANGLE: an ENORMOUS meter-wide strip of sticky black paper curls down from the ceiling, with 3 or 4 Buzzard Puppets stuck to it, their eyes crossed cartoonishly.
GADGET (O.S.) ... Buzzard Fly Paper.
The Chief just stares.
GADGET Because we don’t want panic during the city’s most important day... next to Arbor Day of course. And Bastille Day. And Notary Public Awareness Day. And Gerbil-Owner Afternoon...
ASIDE: Loony shyly approaches Penny.
LOONY Hi Penny.
PENNY (all business) Good to see you again, Loony.
LOONY (encouraged) Good to see you too.
GADGET (O.S.) Traffic Signal Lightbulb-Changer Appreciation Month...
LOONY (fumbly) I suppose you know how I feel about you...
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Down on one knee, Loony nervously takes the ring from his pocket.
LOONY Will you, Penny –
Penny grabs the ring.
PENNY Loony thanks! A new washer for our kitchen sink!
LOONY Wait, no, it’s actually –
PENNY It’s got a speck of sand on it but that’ll brush off. I’ll go install it right away.
LOONY No, Penny – if you look closer – use these!
Clutching the BIG GLASSES, Loony chases Penny out of the room.
BACK on Quimby and Gadget. The Chief comes to the part he’s going to enjoy:
CHIEF QUIMBY The reason I called you here is that Mayor Markham has decided the way to lure the buzzards to Metro City is for every citizen to wear one of these.
He produces a HAT with tainted pork chops stapled to it.
CHIEF QUIMBY The tainted-pork-chop hat.
Gadget recoils from the smell. He looks over the Chief’s shoulder.
POV: several LARGE BOXES in the corner all labeled “TAINTED MEAT HATS, ONE GROSS.” SFX: FLIES buzzing.
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CHIEF QUIMBY (the coup de grace) I want you to go door-to-door handing them out. Now, I’d understand perfectly if you’re disgusted by this lowly assignment and prefer to quit your job and leave town with no notice and not come back.
He hangs with anticipation on Gadget’s affirmation.
GADGET Nonsense, Chief. I’m honored to be a part, no matter how small, smelly and fly-ridden, of this monumental enterprise!
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CITIZEN’S HOUSE – DAY
A CITIZEN answers the door and Gadget presents him/her with one of the hats:
GADGET Please wear this until next Friday and don’t be alarmed if a bird the size of a Rottweiler attacks your head. Have a nice day.
EXT. VARIOUS – DAY
MONTAGE (WITH MUSIC):
Gadget hands out the hats and the town prepares for Buzzard Day.
AT A CONSTRUCTION SITE
Gadget gives workers Meat Hard-Hats.
AT A TACO STAND
He gives the patrons meat sombreros.
IN A PARKING LOT
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Two familiar blue signs: one for HANDICAPPED PARKING and the other reserved for DYING MULES (drawing of a mule with its legs in the air).
OUTSIDE A SYNAGOGUE
Gadget gives the Rabbi a meat yarmulke with bacon payess.
OUTSIDE A STORE
A biker astride a Harley lowers his helmet visor. There’s a T- Bone steak glued to it.
NEXT TO A HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE
Gadget attaches a meat beard to an Amish elder.
ON MAIN STREET
Workers hang a long “Welcome Buzzards!” banner across the street.
IN THE TOWN SQUARE
Mayor Markham, holding a large SACK, supervises some work, nodding his approval as a dump truck dumps the latest enormous load of SAND in the town square. Chief Quimby is wearily planting CACTI in the sand.
The Mayor strides into the sand and begins tossing down COW SKULLS. He surveys the results with pride.
MAYOR MARKHAM Come, you flesh-pecking behemoths, and blacken the skies with your great and terrible wings! Quimby; your sick lamb impression!
CHIEF QUIMBY (unenthusiastically) Baaa-aaa-aaa.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE – DAY
TIGHT ON the Mayor. 22
MAYOR MARKHAM Chief Quimby, we weren’t thinking!
The Chief, pants covered in sand, is relieved. Has the Mayor come to his senses?
CHIEF QUIMBY You’re right sir.
MAYOR MARKHAM Were we crazy? Where were our brains?
CHIEF QUIMBY I don’t know sir. Perhaps embedded in that lawn of yours.
MAYOR MARKHAM If we invite all of the world’s buzzards to our town, what will they eat?
CHIEF QUIMBY Sir?
MAYOR MARKHAM Sure the hats are sufficient to attract them, but we have nothing for them to eat while they’re here, seeing the sights, posing for photos, opening shopping malls!
The Chief stares mutely. The Mayor strides to the window.
MAYOR MARKHAM That’s why I’ve spent the town’s entire annual budget and the Police Pension Fund on this!
He pulls the blinds up. The Chief looks.
POV OUT WINDOW: A large refrigerated TRUCK, parked outside. There’s an illustration on the side of a TV DINNER with suspicious-looking contents.
23
MAYOR MARKHAM (O.S.) ... a truckload of frozen vulture TV dinners!
BACK IN THE ROOM, the Mayor opens a TOASTER OVEN and removes a steaming sample dinner to show the Chief.
MAYOR MARKHAM With a prairie dog entrée, mashed potatoes, peas, and a “prospector- peach compôte” in every tray!
The Mayor sniffs it with satisfaction.
MAYOR MARKHAM Guard these with your life, Quimby.
Markham tucks a bib under his chin.
EXT. MAYORAL PARKING LOT – DAY (NEWS FOOTAGE)
Gadget gives a Press Conference.
GADGET And so, with the purchase of this food the last impediment to a successful Buzzard Day has been removed. It would be a catastrophe of unprecedented proportions if anyone were to steal this highly-unguarded truck you see behind me.
INT. CLAW’S LAIR – NIGHT
PULLING OUT OF a TV screen as the press conference continues.
GADGET ON TV And please, no questions, this is just too sensitive for me to reveal any further details such as the fact that a spare key is in a little magnetic box under the front bumper...
REVERSE: Dr. Claw watches this on TV. 24
GADGET (O.S.) ... or the fact that a tracking device has been attached to the vehicle’s battery, but that it can be easily removed with a Philips screwdriver... like this one, available at any hardware store...
ANGLE: Mad Cat is cutting out COUPONS from a grocery flyer.
MAD CAT I don’t get it. Why do we need 20 cents off toilet paper if we’re gonna steal it anyway?
DR. CLAW Quiet!
Claw knocks Mad Cat off his lap and mutes the TV.
DR. CLAW I now know how we can bring the city to its knees and get rid of that meddlesome Gadget once and for all.
FADE OUT:
- END OF ACT ONE -
FADE IN:
EXT. BACK YARD – DAY
Penny prepares an Intruder Catapult in the yard. It’s bent to the ground and ready to launch, with an “intruder dummy” - complete with face mask, curly mustache - in the basket. She grimaces and pokes, not quite satisfied with something about it.
Loony walks out of the house, filthy and wet, carrying a plumber’s wrench and the RING, which he’s drying off. He crosses over to Penny at the catapult, the Kneeling Pad under his arm.
LOONY Uh, Penny - ? 25
PENNY Loony, this Intruder Catapult you built to my specifications may be your finest accomplishment.
LOONY There’s one other accomplishment that I would esteem even higher...
He drops the kneeling pad and gets down, ready to propose.
PENNY - but there’s something about the weight-counterweight balance that’s just not right -
LOONY If you would take this humble ring I’d be the happiest...
PENNY Thanks Loony! This could be just the extra two grams I need.
She plucks the ring from his hand, drops it in the Villain Dummy’s pocket, nods with satisfaction, and stomps on the RELEASE pedal.
FATOOONG! The dummy + ring disappears into the sky. Penny sighs with satisfaction.
PENNY Perfect! I bet that’s gone at least four miles – probably right into the middle of Lake Metro. You know, they saw it’s the filthiest, coldest, and deepest Lake in this hemisphere.
Loony stares up slack-jawed.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE / BUSY STREET - DAY
People walk around wearing various styles of meat hat, looking at the sky. The National Press is there with their cameras and satellite dish trucks. (There’s a FAT GUY and a SKINNY GUY, 26 both with “PRESS” cards in their hats)
Vendors sell Buzzard Dogs and binoculars.
VENDOR Get your binoculars! Spot the first Buzzard and win a prize!
Schoolchildren clamor to buy the cheap plastic binoculars. Another vendor sells running shoes with HEAVY WEIGHTS on the soles.
SHOE VENDOR Get your heavily-weighted shoes! Prevent your young ones from being carried off to a distant snack rock and fed to buzzard babies!
A worried PEDESTRIAN grabs her tiny DOG from the ground.
The Mayor strolls through the faux-desert with Chief Quimby.
MAYOR MARKHAM I love the smell of rotting meat in the morning, Quimby. It smells like money!
CHIEF QUIMBY Speaking of which sir, I am concerned about you having spent the Police retirement fund on these frozen meals...
MAYOR MARKHAM Pish-tosh, man! We’ll get it back fiftyfold when those tourists show up and start buying buzzard t- shirts, buzzard dogs and carrion- at-the-bottom yogurt!
A vendor puts mustard on a Buzzard Dog for a small child. Gadget strolls through the crowd with Penny and Brain.
GADGET It’s going to be quite a sight, Penny – perhaps even rivaling the time Mayor Markham arranged the 27
surprise running-of-the-bulls at the local Seniors Home.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY (FLASHBACK)
RUNNING BULL’S POV, with the CAMERA locked above its HORNS, as it chases half a dozen wailing SENIORS. SFX: Snorting and screaming.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Back to Gadget and Penny strolling.
GADGET It’s a pity we’ll be vacationing in sunny Holland and we’ll miss the feathery festivities. (beat) You haven’t seen the plane tickets have you?
Penny shrugs as she and her uncle come to where THE JUGGLER stands nervously at the periphery of the crowd, juggling a BLACKJACK, a LIT BOMB and a WALKIE-TALKIE and generally looking shifty.
GADGET Look, circus performers! (to the Juggler) May I suggest, my well-coordinated performer, that in the spirit of the day you’d be better off juggling slices of iffy lamb shank than a blackjack, a lit bomb and... (eyes following it) ... an unlicensed criminal- frequency walkie talkie.
Penny, always alert to trouble, looks around to where, in the b.g, TWO MASKED HENCHMEN are casing the refrigerator truck.
PENNY Uncle, something’s wrong.
Gadget notices a YOUNG BOY festooned in touristy buzzard regalia – hat, glasses, binoculars – holding a Buzzard Dog. 28
GADGET You’re right Penny. Excuse me, sonny.
Gadget takes the hot dog before the kid can bite it. The WEIGH- SCALE TONGUE extends from Gadget’s mouth, with a digital readout on the front of his hat. He puts the hot dog on his “tongue” and the readout clicks up.
GADGET (speech impeded) I thought so. This parade snack is 200 micrograms lighter than Federal regulations permit.
BOY Daddy! That man put my hot dog on his tongue!
PENNY Uncle...
In the B.G. the HENCHMEN find the key and climb into the refrigerator truck.
GADGET Not now Penny, I’m labeling evidence.
In the f.g. a hulking PARENT grabs Gadget by the neck.
GADGET ... and talking to this nice man with his hand around my throat. Would you be wanting me to weigh your fist, sir?
POW! The guy punches him in the face; Gadget’s head flies off and rolls along the ground. His body starts flapping its arms like a beheaded chicken.
WALKIE TALKIE (crackles) We got it, boss. Let’s go!
The Juggler runs away. ANGLE ON Gadget’s head lying in the 29 sand.
GADGET Brain? Fetch head!
As Brain runs to retrieve Gadget’s head, the refrigerator truck is driven away in the b.g.
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE – NIGHT
The Mayor is surrounded by hundreds of goodie bags. He holds up a small can of polish and a rag as he dresses-down his Chief of Police.
MAYOR MARKHAM Quimby, as if I didn’t have enough to worry about this week assembling a hundred thousand complimentary beak-polish-and- chamois kits... you’re telling me we have the finest crimefighting machine in the world and instead of guarding my meat truck you had him weighing weenies??
The Chief is suitably chastened.
CHIEF QUIMBY I’m sorry, sir.
The phone rings. Markham answers.
MAYOR MARKHAM Mayor’s Office. For Big Bad Mayor Daddy Records please push two.
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. CLAW’S LAIR – NIGHT
Mad Cat holds the phone base unit. The phone cord snakes up O.S. to Dr. Claw.
DR. CLAW Mayor Markham.
MAYOR MARKHAM 30
I’d know that raspy evil baritone anywhere. (to Quimby) It’s Suzanne Pleshette.
DR. CLAW This is Dr. Claw.
MAYOR MARKHAM Claw! What are you demanding, you fiend? Do you want Chief Quimby dipped in syrup and dropped naked into a vat of ravenous wolverines?
DR. CLAW I haven’t even told you yet what I’ve got. Which, in case you’re interested is your refrigerator truck!
Dum-dum-dum-daaaaah! MUSIC STING!
DR. CLAW If you don’t want the temperature turned up one degree every hour, I want... a ton of gold!
MAYOR MARKHAM (beat) - and Quimby dropped into the wolverines?
DR. CLAW Just the gold.
MAYOR MARKHAM You’re a hard bargainer, Claw.
DR. CLAW By noon Friday, Mayor – or the dead meat gets it!
He slams down the phone. WE STAY IN Claw’s lair.
DR. CLAW Well done, Juggler.
31
The Juggler is in the corner, now juggling three Buzzard Dinners.
DR. CLAW Take the truck to the secret hideout.
JUGGLER Um the thing is, the Hideout’s full of those dignitaries we kidnapped last week.
DR. CLAW Why aren’t they gone? They paid the exorbitant ransom.
JUGGLER We’re still waiting for that to clear. It’s a third party out-of- town check.
DR. CLAW I told you, get a money order.
JUGGLER They couldn’t get to the bank. It was Sunday, and -
DR. CLAW Then park it at your house!
JUGGLER Where am I gonna put my car?
DR. CLAW (simmering) On - the - street!
JUGGLER Ah, problem. See, there’s limited guest space and I was planning this celebratory End-Of-Heist party. The Backscratcher’s coming... and Cinderobber...
Mad Cat sticks out a paw and pushes a BUTTON in the arm of Claw’s chair. The Juggler is ELECTROCUTED. His skeleton lights 32 up as per comedy-electrocution tradition.
Mad Cat lifts his paw. The electricity stops.
INSERT: Several Buzzard TV dinners – now fully cooked – land on the floor. The Juggler, singed, looks up.
JUGGLER I’ll figure it out.
INT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Next day. FRAMED WAIST-UP: a SMALL KID rolls up, apparently on a skateboard, and STOPS.
KID Thanks Inspector Gadget!
PULL/RESET to REVEAL: Gadget IS the skateboard, with wheels coming out of his shoulders and knees. The kid hops off and Gadget stands, wheels retracted.
GADGET You’re welcome Timmy. And remember – always wear the proper protective equipment when riding an adult.
Timmy runs off and we HEAR:
CHIEF QUIMBY (O.S.) Psssst!
The serving hatch is open on a nearby HOT DOG CART. Chief Quimby’s head pops out of the hatch. Gadget crosses to the cart.
GADGET A top-secret assignment, Chief?
The Chief checks that the coast is clear and hands Gadget a hot dog.
INSERT: A speaker comes out one end of the bun and a tiny SCREEN flickers on.
CHIEF QUIMBY (RECORDING) 33
Dr. Claw is threatening to destroy the Mayor’s expensive buzzard dinners unless we give him a ton of gold by tomorrow.
ANGLE across the square: the Mayor stands next to a sturdy table with a sign over it: “CITIZENS DONATE ALL YOUR GOLD HERE.”
CHIEF QUIMBY (RECORDING) You have 24 hours, Gadget!
GADGET - to have three meals and a good night’s sleep?
CHIEF QUIMBY (RECORDING) No! To find that stolen truck! This hot dog will self-destruct in five seconds.
Gadget nods, tosses the hot dog back into the food cart, closes the hatch and walks away.
KABOOM!
INT. GADGET DEVICE ROOM – DAY
A windowless underground redoubt, like Q’s equipment-testing room or the Batcave. Computers, tracking screens, consoles, benches full of tools. There are several Gadget-doubles/body prototypes with miscellaneous hardware attached - one with pontoons, one camouflaged to look like a vending machine.
MCU: Gadget holds up a complicated silicon MICROCIRCUIT on a chip.
LOONY (O.S.) Advanced thermal-imaging software, eh?
He swallows the chip like a pill and “swallows” it into place with a CLICK.
GADGET Got an itch, Loony?
34
REVERSE: Loony is in a dripping WETSUIT, mask and flippers, covered in seaweed, barnacles and lampreys. Twitching, he pulls the regulator from his mouth.
LOONY I’m still decompressing, sir, since my 6,000-foot hellish descent to the frigid lightless depths of Lake Metro.
Loony flop-flop-flops to a table, drops the re-recovered pre- engagement RING back in its box.
GADGET (enviously) Ah I wish I could get out of the office more often. What’s this?
Gadget picks up a football-sized GIZMO.
LOONY Since you’re searching for frozen food I invented a gas chromatograph set to the distinctive molecular signature of rotting meat.
GADGET Ingenious! How do I install it?
LOONY It goes up your nose and docks with the olfactory meatus in your brain.
GADGET (serious pause) Could I just carry it under my arm?
Loony shakes his head.
SHORT MONTAGE SEQUENCE: Gadget – with much difficulty - shoves the device up his nose, pushing, grunting, getting down on the floor, using a plunger, a mallet.
END OF SEQUENCE: Gadget is FACING AWAY when he finally gets it 35 in with a loud POP. He TURNS towards us. There’s a BULGE the size of a Wonderbread loaf in his forehead. He’s dazed.
GADGET Nag snaggle plork?
Loony is now out of the wetsuit.
LOONY It may take a while to settle into place.
INT. MAYOR MARKHAM’S OFFICE - DAY
TIGHT OVERHEAD of a package being opened. The Styrofoam peanuts are brushed aside, until we can see... the face of a dead rodent.
Mayor Markham recoils from the sight. Chief Quimby looks on.
MAYOR MARKHAM A thawed prairie-dog face; that fiend means business! We only have 12 hours. Quimby, step up the collection of gold for the ransom!
The Chief nods and heads out.
MAYOR MARKHAM And pick up some syrup and a few wolverines in case he ups his demands.
Quimby looks worried.
FADE OUT:
- END OF ACT TWO -
FADE IN:
EXT. BUSINESS DISTRICT - DAY
Gadget walks a city street with Brain at his side.
GADGET 36
Okay Brain, it’s time to put Loony Purkle’s latest invention to work! Go-Go-Gadget Super-Smell!
His forehead THROBS, and we go to:
SNIFFING SOUNDS DURING -- GADGET POV: computer-readout of the street, with crosshairs, rangefinders, a “NOSE” logo... A SONAR PULSE pings FASTER as Gadget PANS. He centers on one ESTABLISHMENT. The pinging increases and BRIGHT RED framing lines flash in the center.
GADGET That way! Come on, Brain!
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Chief Quimby, in a welding hood, tends a SMELTER behind the “Donate Your Gold Here” table. Beside him citizens empty their jewelry into BUCKETS. A yuppie couple removes their watches and put them in...
- A PUNK GIRL wrestles the stud out of her tongue.
- A RAPPER removes pounds of gold neckwear.
- A MONK scrapes the gold leaf off an illustrated medieval manuscript page.
- An OLDER MAN, mouth open, hits the back of his head until gold fillings pop out.
Quimby weighs the bucket on a SCALE and pours the gold into the white-hot glowing SMELTER.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
In the b.g. the CHEF in a ritzy joint beams at his happy patrons. Table for 2 in the f.g.
DINER # 1 They’re small portions, but this is the most exquisite Argentinian beef.
Her lunch companion nods and chews. Gadget and Brain run in, Gadget sniffing deeply. 37
GADGET POV: SUPER a HIGHLIGHT around every meal plate.
GADGET Attention, thieves! According to my Gadget Super Smell every single person in this room is eating spoiled rodent meat!
Everybody in the restaurant spits out his or her meal. The Chef, realizing the jig is up, high-tails it. Customers run for the bathroom. Brain jumps up on a table to finish someone’s steak.
EXT. SCENE OF THE CRIME – DAY
Gadget examines the ground with a magnifying glass at the spot where the truck was stolen.
GADGET Mmm-hm. Yep, yep... uh-huh. Yes sir. Wowsers!
INSERT: Brain has a magnifying glass rig strapped to his back and is also examining the ground.
BACK TO Gadget, with Penny anxiously looking on.
GADGET Just as I thought!
PENNY What, Uncle?
GADGET The truck’s not here any more. How did you know I was at the crime scene?
PENNY Oh, I was just at Police Headquarters. They needed a ring to connect a warning tag to the collar of their largest and most vicious police dog. Luckily, Loony Purkle was right there on his knees on this pad thingy and 38
he handed me one that fit perfectly!
GADGET Good for him. Let’s examine the clues.
Gadget EXTENDS his arm to pick up a business card lying on the ground.
GADGET Number One. There’s a business card at the crime scene with the logo of a juggling pin and a large capital J. And the slogan, “For All Your Juggling And Criminal Needs.” Number Two...
EXT. CRIME SCENE – DAY (FLASHBACK)
As we saw it happen.
GADGET (V/O) ... when the truck vanished I was speaking to a man who was juggling a bomb, a blackjack and a Heist Brand walkie-talkie.
EXT. CRIME SCENE - DAY
Gadget strolls past a NEWS TRUCK still parked on the spot.
GADGET And Three: a TV crew on this very spot captured broadcast-quality footage of that self-same juggler climbing in the back of the truck as it drove away. I think we need look no further. This is obviously the work of that most wily of ne’er-do-wells... the Anchorman!
Brain looks up: “Huh?”
EXT. PHONE BOOTH – DAY
39
Gadget flips through the yellow pages in a phone booth as Penny
PENNY Amazing, uncle. The untrained criminal mind would have immediately suspected the Juggler.
GADGET That’s just the kind of mistake an amateur would make, Penny... whereas I only make professional mistakes. (Yellow Pages:) ... Carpets, Carpet Cleaning, Crab Fishermen, here we are, Criminals. The Anchorman has a quarter-page ad, business must be good.
INT. BANK – DAY
AT THAT MOMENT, a bank robbery is in progress across town. Henchmen fill sacks with loot. An overweight criminal, THE ANCHORMAN (Jon Lovitz type) in a suit and tie, drags a TV ANCHOR DESK complete with microphone and “globe” logo into the middle of the bank floor as a henchman trains a pedestal CAMERA on him and counts down on his fingers, “three seconds, two, one...” Another henchman slides a flimsy “news backdrop” panel behind him. RED LIGHT on the camera:
ANCHORMAN We interrupt your programming for this breaking news. A bank is being robbed at Hilgard and Rue De La Paix. Police suspect someone other than the Anchorman, who is on vacation – with witnesses – in Brussels.
His CELL PHONE rings. He removes it from his pocket.
ANCHORMAN Hello?
INTERCUT Gadget in the PHONE BOOTH.
GADGET 40
Anchorman, this is Inspector Gadget ordering you to turn over that truck!
ANCHORMAN I’m doing a live broadcast here from a bank I’m not robbing if you don’t mind. What truck?
GADGET The one full of frozen buzzard dinners.
ANCHORMAN I don’t know what you’re talking about. (to camera) We’re speaking live to Inspector Gadget. Chyron!
VIDEO POV: SUPER: “ON PHONE: INSPECTOR GADGET”
GADGET Return that truck, Anchorman, or you’ll be doing an exclusive interview with justice.
ANCHORMAN Don’t threaten me you bungling beat-walking Burberry’d buffoon. The only truck I have is being filled with crisp new bank notes... (catching himself) ... allegedly!
There’s an O.S. BANG! One of his henchmen wanders into frame, slightly dazed, splattered with red ink.
ANCHORMAN ... and that exploding red thing they put in with stolen money.
GADGET Really? No frozen mule tails, no prospector compôte?
41
ANCHORMAN Nnnno.
GADGET Okey-dokey, sorry for bothering you.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH – DAY
Gadget hangs up and exits the booth.
GADGET No, I’m wrong; apparently he only has fistfuls of stolen bank notes.
PENNY Uncle! Don’t criminals sometimes lie?
Gadget stops in his tracks.
GADGET From the mouths of nieces! Let’s go find The Anchorman and “sign him off” for the next 10 to 15 years! To the Gadgetmobile!
INT. GADGET’S GARAGE – DAY
As the garage door opens, LIGHT FALLS on the Gadgetmobile, which is facing OUT. The WEDDING MARCH is playing on the car radio. In the driver’s seat sits a DUMMY of GADGET in a groom’s tuxedo. In the passenger seat is VALERIE in a wedding gown and veil, with her arm around the Gadget dummy, kissing it. She pulls her tongue out of its ear with a LOUD sucking POP.
VALERIE Oh. Gadget. Bonjour.
She awkwardly climbs out, under Penny’s hostile gaze.
VALERIE Zis is just a new idea I was experimenting wizz for ze police stakeout!
GADGET 42
Admirable! You don’t miss a trick do you, Dr. Vavavavoom?
PENNY (acidly) No, I bet she doesn’t.
Valerie pulls the Gadget dummy out of the driver’s seat.
VALERIE Let me get zis out of here for you...
Penny looks down at her feet. WATER pools under the car.
GADGETMOBILE I always cry at weddings.
NOSE BLOWING horn sound. More water comes out. Gadget gets in the car.
GADGET Gadgetmobile; to the last known hideout of The Anchorman! Penny, are you coming?
PENNY I have something to straighten out here.
The Gadgetmobile drives out of the garage. WE SEE tin cans tied to the back of the Gadgetmobile and a “JUST MARRIED” sign.
VALERIE Penny, I know you’re very protective of your uncle...
As she speaks, WE SEE Penny pouring CHLOROFORM on a rag behind her.
VALERIE ... but as you become more of a woman yourself I know you’ll understand my feelings...
SNAP! Valerie’s head snaps backwards as the rag is pulled over her face. 43
EXT. STREET – DAY
Valerie comes-to on the floor of a small rolling circus animal display wagon. There are scarlet signs atop the cage that read “HUSSY!” and “SHAME!” and “MANSTEALER!” Slack-eyed children and adults eat popcorn and stare at her. Penny looks on.
PENNY Maybe a few hours in the Hussy Trolley will help you understand my feelings, missy! (to child) Feel free to feed the exhibit until she becomes fat and unattractive.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Chief Quimby, sweating awfully, raises his welding hood. He ladles the last few drops of gold from his crucible onto a BLOCK OF GOLD the size of a large suitcase atop a hi-tech scale in the town square. Mayor Markham checks the digital scale readout.
MAYOR MARKHAM Curses! Two grams short of a ton! Quimby... is that a gold nose?
Alarmed, Quimby covers his nose.
CHIEF QUIMBY No, sir!
The Mayor walks a few feet (past the fat and skinny REPORTERS) to a RADIO BROADCAST TRUCK, reaches in the open window and yanks out a MIKE on a cord.
MAYOR MARKHAM This is Mayor Josiah Markham, reporting from the site of the meat ransom. It’s crunch time people, and we’ve come up short. I’m urging every citizen within the sound of my heirloom-quality voice to do what you know in your heart is right, to search your soul – and your teeth – 44
INT. DINER – DAY
Loony Purkle sips a coffee, his clothes ripped to bits by the vicious police dog recently referred to, with the RING BOX on the counter. He listens to the diner radio.
MAYOR MARKHAM (OS, radio) ... for any gold that may have escaped your notice. We already looked in “them thar hills,” and there’s bupkes, people. All we need to assure a successful Buzzard Day is two more grams of Element 79.
Loony opens the ring box.
MAYOR MARKHAM (OS, radio) We have your pens, your retirement watches, we have my mother-in- law’s gold-plated hip joint – not that she gave it up without a fight. But maybe there’s something we missed.
Loony puts on the thick glasses and looks at the ring. He swallows hard.
MAYOR MARKHAM (OS, radio) Perhaps a coin, perhaps a solid gold nose. Maybe a recently- purchased pre-engagement ring...
LOONY (weakly) Not Penny’s ring.
MAYOR MARKHAM (OS radio) Whoever has that last two grams, I appeal to him or her – or even if it’s a duck - to turn that bauble in and save our most important family Holiday. 45
Loony swallows hard, but, realizing what he has to do, sadly closes the ring box.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY
The Gadgetmobile zooms past.
INT. GADGETMOBILE – DAY (TRAVELING)
Gadget drives.
GADGET Metro City’s a big place; luckily I have GPS. Go-Go Gadget Pointing System!
A HAND comes out of his chest and points LEFT.
GADGET Left here, Gadgetmobile.
GADGETMOBILE So what’s the plan? We gonna find you a girl and find me one of them cute pink Cadillacs? I like a gal with a big bumper and a face fulla dead flies.
GADGET Later. Right now we have to nab the Anchorman so Penny and I can take off to sunny, sultry Holland. I wish I could remember where I put those tickets. And our passports. And travelers checks. And birth certificates...
Gadget’s HAND-PHONE aerial pops up.
GADGET Information? I’d like a street address for The Anchorman, please.
OPERATOR (OS, filter) I’m sorry, that information is Unlisted. 46
GADGET Drat! He’s clever. We’ll have to do this the hard way.
GADGETMOBILE You mean by hiring you? I don’t know why we’re doing this anyway. Anyone can see that Mayor’s crazier than an outhouse fish. Truckload of meat, buzzards, ton of gold – am I missing something or is he a coupla Slinkies short of a staircase?
Gadget, ignoring this, snaps his fingers with inspiration.
GADGET The Anchorman’s hair is always immaculately coiffed! (phone) Operator? Do you have a listing for Supercuts?
SFX: “bleep-bloop” battery-dying sound. Gadget looks at his hand-phone.
GADGET “Dead”? How could it be dead? I had my elbow in the charger all night. Oh well, we’ll have to pull over and ask some upstanding Metro Citizen if we can use his or her phone for urgent police business. (looking out) Let’s try this house with a giant refrigerator truck parked out front, and a sign on the lawn that says End-Of-Heist Party.
ROLLING POV: The stolen refrigerator truck is parallel-parked on the street next to guests’ cars. The Juggler entertains other costumed criminals on his front lawn, including CINDEROBBER, a tough-looking THUG dressed as Cinderella.
EXT. JUGGLER’S HOUSE – DAY 47
MUSIC and party chatter. The Juggler keeps some salad plates/drink glasses aloft.
CINDEROBBER So stupid me, right? I fling one of my glass slippers to brain the guard and next thing I know the cops are going door-to-door with my shoe...
JUGGLER (looks up) Inspector Gadget! How did he find me?
CINDEROBBER Maybe he’s smarter than he looks.
JUGGLER (thinks) Well, he’d have to be...
INT. GADGETMOBILE ON STREET – DAY
Gadget, parked, gets out of the car. The car in front of him has the custom license plate I JUGGLE 4 U.
GADGET I’ll just be a second.
GADGETMOBILE Uhhhhh, Gadget?
GADGET And no ogling Chevette brochures while I’m gone!
EXT. JUGGLER’S LAWN – DAY
The criminal party chatter stops and the MUSIC winds down as Gadget walks obliviously up to the canapé-snacking lawbreakers, all of whom are in obviously criminal costumes.
GADGET Good day fine citizens. I’m 48
Inspector Gadget, perhaps you’ve seen my milk commercials. I’m eating this big, really dry cookie, and I pick up the carton out of the fridge and to my astonishment -
Not as astonished as they are.
GADGET - anyway, it was very popular with the kiddies. I’m sorry to disturb your (checks the sign again) End-Of-Heist Party, but I’m on important police business and I was wondering if I could trouble you for the use of your...
Gadget cuts off as he’s grabbed from behind by two THUGS who drag him towards the house.
GADGET This way? Thank you.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Mayor Markham sits on a folding chair in the middle of the “desert” staring up the street with a pair of cheap plastic vendor’s binoculars around his neck. The Two Reporters are holding a Trumpet and a Triangle.
MAYOR MARKHAM It’s the first buzzard! Cue the band! (binoculars) No, it’s just the inflatable Pink Floyd concert pig.
INT. JUGGLER’S HOUSE – DAY
The Juggler gets on the Videophone.
JUGGLER Doctor Claw. It’s the Juggler.
The small screen flickers and on comes CLAW - face shadowed. 49
INT. CLAW – DAY
INTERCUTTING, plus INSERTS on the videophone.
DR. CLAW What do you have to report?
JUGGLER Not only is the truck still here and perfectly safe... I’ve just captured Inspector Gadget!
DR. CLAW Good! (then) Is that a party in the background I wasn’t invited to?
JUGGLER No, no, no that’s next door.
The ANCHORMAN walks through, his pre-show Makeup Bib tucked into his suit.
ANCHORMAN You’re out of cashews.
The Juggler blocks the videophone’s view of his party guests. Claw is suspicious but continues.
DR. CLAW Keep Gadget there and turn up the temperature in the truck by five degrees!
JUGGLER Didn’t we say one degree an hour.
DR. CLAW We’re criminals! We lie! Except to me about things like secret parties.
JUGGLER Oh absolutely.
50
CLAW’S POV: on the videophone a NOISEMAKER from an unseen reveler unfolds into the Juggler’s ear.
ON MAD CAT:
MAD CAT Why do we use the Videophone if your head’s not visible? I mean, what’s the advantage? Why pay the extra money and the one-time connection surcharge and the line insurance and...
Mad Cat gets hit hard with a metal fist.
INT. DARK BACK ROOM, JUGGLER’S HOUSE – DAY
Meanwhile the two thugs hustle Gadget into a small back room. It’s a rec room with fooseball table, ping-pong, etc. One of them finishes tying his arms to his sides with ROPE.
GADGET Thank you both for guiding me so firmly and forcefully to your phone. And for twisting my arm so very painfully every time I drifted so much as a centimeter off course...
They put a SACK over his head.
GADGET And thanks for the pollen-proof sack, even though I assure you I have no rec-room allergies to speak of.
They push him down into a CHAIR and give the rope an extra few loops around the chair.
Thug #1 takes the free end of the rope across the room and ties it to the vertical spindle of a DEVICE labeled JUGGLER’S BONKER OF DEATH. It has an array of SABRES and CLUBS on a wheel that begins gruesomely ROTATING when Thug # 1 pushes a big red button. At the same time the spindle rotates, winding up the rope, dragging Gadget’s chair slowly towards the sabers + clubs.
51
(A sign next to the machine: 37 Minutes Without An Injury.)
ANGLE: The Thugs cackle and leave the room. Gadget feels his chair move.
GADGET Ahh, party games! I guess the donkey is... over there!
He tries to gesture but his hands are still tied.
GADGET Hmm. (sniffs) That smells remarkably like the oil used on flesh-slicing free- swinging abattoir blades. And on certain Greek salads. Wowsers!
Swish! Swish! The chair drags backwards; the clubs and blades get closer.
FADE OUT:
- END OF ACT THREE -
FADE IN:
INT. JUGGLER’S BACK ROOM - DAY
The chair in which Gadget is tied is dragged closer to the whirling clubs and blades.
GADGET Of course! It’s Charades! I bet it’s a popular movie. Hmmm, being dragged backwards in a chair blindfolded, with the overpowering smell of abattoir grease. Is it “Breakfast At Tiffany’s”?
EXT. JUGGLER’S LAWN - DAY
Meanwhile The Anchorman has set up his broadcasting schtick on the lawn amidst the partygoers. Like Joan Rivers on the red carpet at the Oscars:
52
ANCHORMAN Good evening. We’re here live at the criminal gala of the season. Anyone who’s anyone and who has stolen anything is here tonight – unless they’re in jail or were shot trying to escape.
INT. POLICE LAB – DAY
A sterile lab at Police HQ, contiguous to the Device Room seen earlier. Sinks, beakers, cabinets. START TIGHT on Valerie Vavavavoom, researching a speech in the mirror, wearing a “Little Dutch Girl” hat.
VALERIE Why Gadget – fancy running into you ‘ere in ‘olland!
PULLING OUT: she’s wearing an unpainted WOODEN BIKINI.
VALERIE ‘ow do you like my clog-kini?
PENNY (O.S.) Doctor Vavavavoom?
Valerie turns with a start to see Penny and Brain storming in. She covers herself with a wooden towel.
VALERIE Stay away!
PENNY What have you done with my uncle?!
BRAIN Grrrrrr.
VALERIE What are you two talking about?
PENNY He disappeared and he’s not answering his thumb. Did you kidnap him for your own fiendish womanly purposes? If you release 53
him unharmed and unmarried I’ll go easy on you.
VALERIE I don’t have him, Penny, I swear!
PENNY Brain? Check out her story.
Brain sniffs the Doctor, noisily and disgustingly. He turns back to Penny and nods/shrugs. Penny is mollified.
PENNY All right I believe you. I’m sorry about my behavior earlier and about the blinding chloroform headache but I only want what’s best for my uncle...
VALERIE I understand.
PENNY ... and you are so not it. (re: wooden bikini) Besides, my uncle would never date a woman who wears fir. (looks around) Where’s Loony Purkle?
EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY
Loony limps towards the Town Square, past a sign with an ARROW: “Emergency Gold Donation.” He stares at the ring.
LOONY Sorry, Penny. I guess it just (choke) wasn’t meant to be.
He strides manfully on.
INT. JUGGLER’S BACK ROOM – DAY
Gadget is only feet from the blades and clubs.
GADGET “Mrs. Doubtfire”? Am I close? 54
(then) Oh I give up, you win! My turn! Go-Go-Gadget Party Game Arm!
Out of his hat – straight through the hood – comes a gaily decorated 3rd arm, which gestures with an appropriate number of fingers for the following:
GADGET Movie Title, sixteen words, a hundred and seven syllables. First syllable...
But as the hand gestures wildly, one of the whirling CLUBS spins handle-first straight into its palm. The Death Device STOPS. SMOKE issues from its hub. GEARS grind and it STOPS with a bang and clatter.
INSERT: One of the sabers, in falling, slices the rope holding Gadget’s chair to the spindle. Gadget sits there holding the club with his 3rd arm.
GADGET I don’t hear any guessing.
He wiggles the club.
GADGET Wait just a goody-bagging minute! I’m at a party, blindfolded and holding a large club! Of course; these happy revelers have decided to honor me by letting me take first swing at the festive piñata!
He stands, coming free of the chair but still tied with the rope and still hooded.
GADGET Olly-Olly-Oxenfree, here I come!
Gadget walks blindly around the room, smashing things on shelves with the club. He crushes the fooseball table, he obliterates a shelf of crime trophies.
INT. POLICE LAB – DAY
55
Valerie and Penny stare at a LOCATOR SCREEN with a flashing BLIP.
PENNY According to this the Gadgetmobile is parked outside the Juggler’s House. The Juggler; of course! I should have known uncle would be way ahead of me.
INSERT: Penny clicks a button labeled “MONITOR.” We hear The Gadgetmobile, live, through a speaker. SFX: Another CAR putters by.
GADGETMOBILE Hey baby! Nice muffler! Listen, I find myself in need of a jump here. I’ve got the cables if you got the battery...
SFX: The other car accelerates away.
GADGETMOBILE Hey where you goin’? Stuck-up piece of foreign junk. Where’s Gadget at? We gotta go after her.
PENNY (alarmed) He’s not in the car?
VALERIE If anything’s happened to that sinewy cauldron of manhood I’ll never forgive myself.
PENNY I’ll drive; you put way more clothes on.
EXT. JUGGLER’S LAWN - DAY
As the party continues, Gadget, still roped and hooded, walks out onto the lawn, swinging the club with his 3rd arm.
GADGET Please, no hints! I’ll find it! 56
JUGGLER Curses, he’s escaped! Get him, minions!
Sequence to MUSIC as henchmen try to grab Gadget, but each of them is bonked stuporous before they can lay a harming hand on our hero. The Anchorman covers it like a hockey game, describing the action.
ANCHORMAN It looks bad for the home team, folks. Arch-criminals are dropping like flies. We’ll keep you updated on this skull-breaking news as...
BONK! Gadget clubs the Anchorman unconscious.
GADGET That one sounded like papier-maché but I don’t hear any falling candy.
INT. CLAW’S LAIR – DAY
Claw watches the carnage on a MONITOR.
DR. CLAW What are you doing? Get him you fools!
EXT. JUGGLER’S LAWN - DAY
ANGLE: the Juggler stands next to the refrigerator truck, his hand on the TEMPERATURE dial. (A smiling cool blue TV dinner at the cool end of the dial and a sweating RED one at the top)
JUGGLER You may have escaped, Gadget, but not in time to save these valuable vulture treats!
Across the lawn, Gadget blindly waves the club above his head, finding a BIRD FEEDER hanging from a tree branch above his head.
57
GADGET ¡Hola! I found it!
He takes a humungous swing and BLASTS the bird feeder...
ANGLE: Before the Juggler can turn up the temperature dial, he’s whacked on the head with the flying bird feeder and crumples to the ground.
SIRENS! A police van screams up and Gendarmes jump out, along with Penny, Valerie (dressed normally) and Brain.
The cops begin rounding up the dazed ne’er-do-wells and dragging them to the police truck.
INSERT: The “destination panel” atop the police van (like the one on a city bus) rolls over from “JUGGLER’S HOUSE” to “HOOSEGOW.”
Penny and Valerie run to where Gadget is standing (3rd arm retracted) and pull the hood off his head.
PENNY Uncle! You did it!
GADGET I got the piñata? Are there any Tootsie Rolls? And maybe a doggie chew toy for Brain?
BRAIN Arf!
VALERIE You captured the Juggler and rescued the frozen dinners, saving the city’s gold!
GADGET Wonderful! (spots, on the ground) Is that saltwater taffy? (picks it up) No it’s just a piece of someone’s ear.
A cop hauls the Anchorman past them, along with sackfuls of 58 stolen LOOT.
PENNY And you caught the Anchorman, and recovered all the money he stole from the bank.
GADGET The Anchorman was telling the truth? I feel ashamed for doubting him. I should send him a letter of apology.
A CARD RACK pops out of his trenchcoat, revealing several pre- printed “Apology” cards. He rotates through them.
GADGET Apologies for blowing things up, apologies for setting things on fire... ah, here it is. (selects card) Apologies for accusing criminals of stealing TV dinners when in fact they robbed a bank. I never thought I’d get to use this one...
Valerie checks her watch.
VALERIE Gadget, it’s nearly noon! We’ve got to get to ze Town Square before ze Mayor hands all that gold to ze evil Dr. Claw!
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – DAY
Citizens gather at the Gold Smelter. Chief Quimby lowers his welding hood. Loony, a tear in his eye, his hand shaking, holds the pre-engagement ring above the glowing crucible.
MAYOR MARKHAM Citizen, our town owes you a great debt. Many years from now you can look back and recall this moment with pride, as you die alone, never having married.
59
LOONY (sob) It’s for a good cause, my could- have-been beloved.
A SCREECH of tires.
PENNY (O.S.) Stop that smelting!
ANGLE: The refrigerator truck and the Gadgetmobile pull up. Penny, Gadget and Valerie jump out.
GADGET Put that ring and that fiftieth- of-a-carat diamond back in your pocket, Loony. Inspector Gadget has come through once again!
The crowd, seeing the truck, bursts into applause and cheering.
CHIEF QUIMBY I don’t believe it.
MAYOR MARKHAM See, Quimby? He’s saved the gold, and the town’s proud avian heritage. Why didn’t you have him on the case from the very beginning?
CHIEF QUIMBY I uh, well, I...
PENNY Oh uncle I’m so proud of you!
Penny hugs him.
VALERIE I’m proud of you too!
She hugs him even harder.
PENNY That’s enough pride. He’s been hugged already. Stop. Get away. 60
Mayor Markham walks to the BLOCK OF GOLD.
MAYOR MARKHAM Citizens, good news! The crisis is averted, the day is saved and you can have your gold back!
CHEERING.
MAYOR MARKHAM The bad news is, I don’t know what I’m going to do with these 47 wolverines...
He gestures to a nearby LARGE CRATE that’s shaking and growling.
ANGLE: Loony walks up to Penny, holding out the ring.
LOONY Penny? There’s something I’ve been meaning to give you for some time.
PENNY Oh Loony, isn’t my uncle wonderful?
She hugs Loony, knocking the ring from his hand. It rolls down a nearby SEWER.
ANGLE: Citizens are lined up in front of the gold block. The Mayor asks the gentleman at the front of the line:
MAYOR MARKHAM You sir, what did you have?
PENNILESS BUM A solid gold watch.
The Mayor puts a flat cold chisel and a hammer on top of the block of gold.
MAYOR MARKHAM Quimby; make him a watch.
Gadget EXTENDS his LADLE-HAND into a bucket labeled JEWELS and 61 pulls out a handful of tiny red things.
GADGET Allow me to help. How many jewels?
BUM Uhhh, a hundred?
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. TOWN SQUARE – TWILIGHT
The Mayor and Gadget sit on folding chairs in the sand wearing meat hats and facing the sunset. The WELCOME BUZZARDS banner hangs over their heads. The fat and skinny reporters are still there with their pads and cameras.
GADGET Hard to believe that in three and a half minutes these streets will be flocking with ravenous, tourist-attracting buzzards.
MAYOR MARKHAM Isn’t it? Another festive beverage, Inspector?
GADGET Thank you Mayor I believe I will.
MAYOR MARKHAM Quimby! Two more Bloody Carcasses!
Chief Quimby, in a waitress uniform, hustles over with a tray of TALL DRINKS, pork chops over their rims instead of lemon slices.
LONG SHOT as they stare up the street and wait.
MAYOR MARKHAM (V/O) And for God’s sake man, shave your legs before the tourists get here.
FADE OUT.