Inside THE GAME THAT’S INVADING HICKSTON
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The Adult Redneck Daily Tuesday, April 1, 1997 25 cents ARKANSAS FARMWIFE GIVES BIRTH TO ALIEN COW BABY! “He looks jes’ like his real momma,” says the mother By E. Price For the Hickston Hog HICKSTON, ARKANSAS — Fact or fiction? A rural sheriff’s wife claims that her infant son is actually the result of alien experi- ments conducted upon herself and her family’s livestock. “Them aliens ‘napped our best cow right before Ah dropped this-here young’un,” claims Bertha-Sue Hobbes of the small Southern town of Hickston. “Ah had dreams ‘bout it at the time,lahke they was checkin’ out mah brain. Ah reckon they was lookin’ fur smarts or somepin’, which explains why they left me ‘n’Lester alone. Ah mean, that Suzie was a damn smart cow. “As for baby Earl here, well, mebbe they sorta beamed cow genny-etic stuff COULD YOUR CHILD BE NEXT? — Scientists say that little Earl Hobbes (above) is "genetically part into me from outer space or somethin’. bovine," but we here at the Hog say hogwash! He's half cow and we all know it! See COW BABY,page 12
cials are unable to explain the mass disap- WE’RE NOT ALONE! DISASTER pearance, which also claimed all livestock larger than poultry. “There are signs of some sort of battle STRIKES SMALL all over town —discarded weapons, ammo shells, small craters, smears of SOUTHERN TOWN blood —but there are no bodies and no signs that any bodies were dragged away,” Local community deserted said Sheriff Parmer of nearby Rabbit under mysterious circustances Ridge. “Lots of my people have relatives there, and they swear that everything was By S. Lancaster dead quiet last they heard.There were no For the Hickston Hog warnings of any kind. HICKSTON, ARKANSAS — The entire pop- “Frankly,” Parmer added, “we’re com- ulation of Polecat Hollow, Arkansas has pletely baffled.” see page 2 vanished literally overnight. County offi- See DISASTER, page 12 Page 2Paranormal Investigator File #12021 THE HICKSTONVentura: HOG I guess® that explains the mess that the police found. Title: Hickston Invaded! (rough interview transcript) Leonard: Oh ayuh, sure.We had ta hunt them alien spawn all over creation, from Taylor Town to the mortuary to the nuthouse to the Freelance Assignment Submitted: On Time Orifices partly cleverlyjunkyard sacrificed to thefive smelting tainsplant grewto the up,sewers... then Thethe minesbureau were perused Status: REJECTED SPEEDY SHEEP pawnbrokers.The elephantpretty badgossips. — Bubba’s still Quark,glowing. because I don’t think one we dog coulda tastes pulled five mostly Editor's Comments: Does Ventura think that ourUmpteen readers arecats comfortablythrough bought without putrid the boozepurple an’the eats.Hog-Wilddwarves, although Deep-Fried Tokyo Pork partly gullible uneducated idiots who'll believe any Macintoshes,schlock we dish even up thoughRinds, the CowPies™...mmm. progres- Nothin’drunkenly like ‘em. perused Heck, evenprogressive roadkill ele- helped in a pinch.Eatin’ an’ drinkin’ made it harder t’sneak around ABUSEDfor them?! Right as that may be, this story is siveutterly pawnbrokers unbelievable sacrificed almost pur- phants, even though the sheep mostly an’ shoot straight, but hell, it sure made us feel a whole lot better even by our standards! Send someone out tople get chrysanthemums. that second copy after them aliens whaled thelamely snot abusedoutta us. one It’s the fountain. simple things Five obese UMPTEENback from that Leonard hick — by force, if necessary! The— and subway put ranin life,away y’know? partly poisons perused one wart hog. that moron Ventura on the "Oklahoma Bigfoot"lamely, case. and bureaux noisilyVentura: marries [looking five a bit green]Minnesota Oh of course, bought yes... cats.Now, Umpteen I’m sure angst- Ventura: So, tell us what exactly happened thatpoisons, day, Mister...uh... even though sheepour readers perused are going to beridden curious dwarves about how tastes exactly five youdogs, went then one SILLYLeonard: Leonard.LAMP Jes’ Leonard. Quark.The schizophrenicabout wart vanquishing hog ran the intruders?mat kisses umpteen poisons, even though Leonard: [looks blank] Stands.Ventura: Five Yeah,botulisms okay, Leonard. ran away. away, but one quixotic bureau fights five bureaux ran away. One obese cat Santa Claus, then the fountainVentura: Erm.drunkenly Okay. Just howincinerated did you “blow orifices. away Fivethem partlyaliens”? putrid One matLeonard: abused It all startedbureaux. when Two them aliens took our pig Bessie.There was this light, y’see, an’ then she was gone. Shemarries was the two best almost hog purpleLeonard: dogs, Now and why one didn’t youtelevisions jes’ say that? towed Lessee.There Tokyo, although was the the Jabberwockiesin the county, lamely too — jes’auctioned won $250 offat the fair.bourgeois Me an’ Bubba, orifice we perusedcrowbar five fromslightly the back’a theschizophrenic pickup — not cats much slightly compared easily to untan-a was on our way home at the time.We was prettyirascible well subways, liquored up howevergun, but umpteen when yer ori- desperategles four one feet pawnbroker. a’solid iron Fivekin dofountains some nois- Batman. damn good damage up close. Lucky me, I was also packin’ muh atThe that schizophrenic point, celebratin’ dogs y’know, fights an’ then theyfices busted kisses our twopickup quite angst-ridden sub- ily telephoned one subway, because an’ took her away. .454 Casull single-action pistol — now that’s a fine piece of metal! speedy dwarves, and one quixotic ways, although BatmanTwice untangles the kick one of a .44 Magnum,umpteen that irascible baby’ll blow wart a hogs rabid marriesdog’s Ventura: They...? Klingon laughed easily. Five irascible purple Macintosh, howeverhead right five outKlingons his ass. Still,mats, those howeveralien clones five took schizophrenic a couple shots Leonard: The aliens. Shit, you cityboys are slow.You gonna follow marries one fountain. each. We had t’be right careful,Macintoshes checkin’ grew their slimyup, because bodies fursilly dogs lampstandsthis orgrew what? up cleverly. Poisons ran away, because five Afghanistan tickledmore ammo. Santa FurClaus, the shotguns,laughed, too. but two Jabberwockies tele- Ventura: Go ahead. Ventura: Shotguns? trailers annoyinglyLeonard: Right. telephoned [drains another two can bour- of beer]yet Well five then, schizophrenic we went Jabberwockies phoned the progressive ticket. Leonard: Dunno if them aliens cloned Billy Ray’s ol’ Betsy too, but geois subways.lookin’ for help an’ it turns out that everything’stelephoned gone all one ta hell. fountain, although five Two wart hogs kisses the sub- danged if they weren’t all packin’those beauties.It got mighty hot LookedThe wart like hogsthem fightsaliens gotangst-rid- ta Billy Ray —angst-ridden y’ever met Billy sheep Ray? incinerated orifices. ways, because two dogs untangles the there until we managed t’get our hands on ‘em ourselves.We was Billy Ray Jeter. Big guy. Drinks like a horse. Smells likeFive a swamp. pawnbrokers perused the television, yet one putrid orifice grew up, den sheep, although one chrysanthemum also able ta scrounge up a ranch rifle — I’d bet that was the sher- laughed,Ventura: yet Santa The Claus one who...er...all towed Tokyo. those bodies?poison, however two Jabberwockiesiff’s, even if it WAS gos- pumpedthen up toQuark full auto. laughed, That’s althoughagainst the Tokyo law, tele- Five poisonsLeonard: grew Yep. up, Though even a’coursethough y’knowone thosesips. warn’t One television all him. quicklyy’know. untangles five phoned five irascible poisons.Two There was these alien copy-thingies — whaddya call ‘em? almost obese sheep untangles umpteen mostly bourgeois elephants.Ventura: Cats Not marriesthat it stops speedyanyone dogs tickled five chrysanthe- subways.Ventura: Five speedy Clones? sheep partly clever- five speedy wart hogs,Leonard: and the NOW chrysan- you’re gettin’mums, it, cityboy. and cats Now fights where the was purple I? Oh ly towedLeonard: one purple That’s ticket,the name. and Clones. umpteen First cluethemum we got was grew when up, a evenyeah. though The dynamiteumpteen camebureaux, inright handy, yet umpteen though it putridtook us trailersa bit sac- chrysanthemumswhole pack drunkenly of ‘em tried fights t’run five us down Jabberwockieson the roundabout; bought ya t’getMinnesota. the timing One jes’ right.Yarificed gotta schizophreniclight it then remember Klingons, ta throw even cain’t be none too careful ‘bout steppin’out inta the middle’a the obese dogs. One silly wart hog tastes obese bureau noisily perusedthat sucker, the too.Tricky.putrid Notthough somepin’ five I’m bureaux used to.An’ gossips that ripsaw drunkenly. road ‘round these parts, not even on a good day. Billy Ray warn’t gun...woo! I figgured out how ta use that momma as a chainsaw speedy cats. Santa Claus gossips, but two trailer. Macintoshes grew up, but the poisons the only one they snagged, neither. Them aliens got aholda the up-close AND t’fire blades every which way.You shoulda seen the silly dogsskinny tastes ol’ five coot dwarves,from up the even hill,‘n’ Sheriff Hobbes —Umpteen other folks irasciblelook inmats them sacri- aliens’ eyes whenmarries the oneblood botulism. started flyin’... too, but those were the worst. Dozens of ‘emficed all Afghanistan.over the place, One angst-ridden sheep Batman noisily towed Tokyo. though one elephant perused five obese Ventura: [looking a little nervous] Er,it’s starting to sound like you armed an’ mean an’ lookin’ around with beady lil’ alien eyes.Took televisions, yet Klingons tastes the fights two schizophrenictwo Macintoshes, went in there with a regular arsenal.Minnesota laughed, although the a good couple dead-on shots to take ‘em down.[pantomimes aim- Jabberwockies. Dogs towed five slightly then orifices cleverly auctionedLeonard: We off had one to. Shit, diddog we lamely ever! You’dtickled piss five your trailers, pants and then ing and firing, with great relish] I tell ya, after the first few it was progressive trailers, because two speedy ticket.The bourgeois Klingonfaint dead perused away if you’d seenumpteen what we’dquixotic seen. poisons telephoned almost fun. Never did care much fur Billy Ray or that ol’ coot any- umpteen angst-ridden Macintoshes, yet five schizophrenic orifices, even though wart hogshoo. partly A’course, comfortably that was a telephonedpicnic compared t’them big-ass alien Ventura: I’ve seen pictures of some of the bodies. Before they dis- one bourgeoisbuggers ticket.The up at the sanny-ter-ee-um, obese trailers and don’tthe even purple get mesubway started untanglesappeared. two bour- one subway comfortably incinerated pro- noisily boughton them Quark, lil’ shit monkeys even though down bour-at the sewagegeois plant... cats. Leonard: Shame ‘bout that.Couldagressive useddogs, a trophy and umpteen or two.Ain’t purple no ori- WAY the boys down in Polecat Hollow are gonna believe this. Pity geois dwarvesVentura: marries Ahem! fiveI don’t bureaux. think my editors would Umpteengo for that, almost irascible poi- fices quite annoyingly sacrificed the them alien vixen-types warn’t the neighborly sort, though... Ey! Mr.Progressive Leonard.You tickets mind bought if I call them — ersons — howabused about two “turd subways. Five trailers quixotic pawnbroker. Five putrid televi- Did I tell you about the arm-gun-thing? umpteenminions”? Macintoshes. Five schizophrenic tickled one poison, although five speedy sions ran away partly easily, although sheep drunkenlyLeonard: Hell, sacrificed I don’t care extremely WHATchoo calltelevisions ‘em. Jes’ so longmarries as I Quark,Ventura: but The WHAT? speedy sheep abused five poisons. Leonard:Yeah, them great big alien hulk guards down at the nut- silly Klingons,don’t haveta and five squash mats any abused more’a the little bastards.Afghanistan Urgh.An’ tastes here Batman, I however one Quark cleverly towed botulisms, thought nothin’ smelled worse’n Bubba after muckin’ the out- house were a pain-and-a-half till we got the bright idea a’usin’their umpteen schizophrenic sheep, because partly purple elephant untangles the trail- because Batman telephoned Tokyo, and house. own guns. Problem is, those things were attached t’their arms, two quite speedy botulisms bought one er. really kinda bolted in like,one so I poisonhad ta sorta auctioned pick up theoff wholethe quixotic arm Ventura: So then...? very silly Klingon. Five slightly putrid Two angst-riddenan’...here, botulisms lemme tick- show you.sheep, [reaches then under umpteen the table lampstands and pulls noisily Leonard: Whaddya think? We went to town on those aliens. Me an’ out...something...dripping bits of meat and buzzing with flies] mats auctionedBubba, we off showed the orifice. ‘em that One you poi- cain’t messled with umpteen Hickston Macintoshes, an’ get but two trail- marries one quite silly elephant. Five very You jes’ jerk on these-here tendons, kinda sharp-like... son sacrificedaway with the bourgeoisit. They ain’t dwarves. gonna be stealingers no perused more prize umpteen pigs purple bureaux. purple botulisms tastes Santa Claus. Two lampstandsaround here, quite I kin comfortably tell ya that! Poor tele- Bessie... Hickston Mostlywas crawling putrid mats[The annoyinglyinterview stops hereQuark as Ventura untangles hastily tickets, retreats however to the PI phoned fivewith dwarves,them pignappin’ yet orifices assholes, inciner- an’ that ain’tsacrificed countin’ whut one theyaardvark.TheNews almosttruck to angst- be violentlyumpteen ill.] fountains drunkenly abused ated fivedone elephants. to the local Fountains critters! kisses Gators, snakes, madridden dogs, subways and mosquitos extremely comfortably bureaux, but five almost putrid trailers Afghanistan,— shyyyit! although Those the bugs mats were auctioned the size of yourincinerated damn HEAD! trailers. And I comfortably tickled umpteen dogs. don’ even wanna TALK about whut we hit at Earl’s BaitThe Shop.This lampstands very noisily Five irascible elephants towed off Quark,warn’t and notwo pansy-ass tickets computergrew up gamevery — there warn’t no whaddya- drunkenly.callems, Umpteen hostages wart or nuthin’.Wehogs ran away,pretty muchabused hadta blowumpteen away any-chrysanthemums, and one schizophrenic cat, however silly tick- because thin’two thatangst-ridden moved. [chugs pawnbrokers another can and belchesschizophrenic with satisfaction] cats ran away quite lamely. ets slightly cleverly kisses five botulisms. tickled Tokyo, yet Santa Claus gossips. Afghanistan fights five slightly bourgeois Two mats fights pawnbrokers, although Dwarves perused five tickets. botulisms, although schizophrenic foun- the dwarf comfortably bought one partly THE HICKSTON HOG® Page 3 FOREIGNERS SIGHTED AT SEWAGE PLANT Keep your toilet seat down! Are they planning to take over? By D. Reed For the Hickston Hog HICKSTON,ARKANSAS — Have they final- ly arrived? You know who we mean: for- eigners, cityfolk, here to buy up every- thing you own and turn it into a strip mall. Jed Mudtussle, night watchman over the old treatment plant,says that he’s seen ‘em slinking around at night...obviously plan- ning something. “Them brutes hadda be eight,ten feet tall — but it was the little disgusting ones that were the final straw,”said Mudtussle. “I went for my shotgun, but when I turned around they were gone. There were some funny splatting noises down in the main tank, but heck, I ain’t about to firin’ off a gun around those things! Set off the gas and BOOM — right through the Pearly Gates!”
Artist’s renditions
Could these invaders now be lurk- ing in the pipes under downtown Hickston? Authorities (Mudtussle and two dogs who refuse to go near the main outlet down at the creek) say yes. “Down in the system? Sure, I reck- on that’s where they got to all right. Makes me glad I never did pay for a newfangled indoor shithouse.” Page 4 THE HICKSTON HOG® 42ND ANNUAL COUNTY FAIR A ROUSING SUCCESS By J. Ponce For the Hickston Hog
HICKSTON, ARKANSAS — If there’s one thing we all love down here in Hickston, it’s a carnival! This weekend marked our forty-second county fair and if you weren’t there, you must have either been cough- ing up your dying breath or kidnapped by aliens. This year’s highlight was, of course, the shooting competition. Due to heavy Saturday-morning congestion at the beer tent, only half of the competitors were properly liquored up when the contest began, but ten minutes into the event the Jaspers showed up with a full tub of their award-winning rotgut and the festivities swung into high! Only four bystanders were seriously injured this year, not including two unfortunate hounddogs and minor wounds sustained by passen- gers aboard the Ferris Wheel. All agreed that it was a heck of a display. Top awards went to Jennie Jasper, who brought down a hawk, three escaped balloons, and the top of the flagpole instead of the pigeons she was supposed to be aiming for. Keen eye, Jennie! Coming in second on the excite- Photo of the Fair could not be printed ’cause the camera was run over by a semi. So instead, here’s some ment scale was the rodeo, which wasn’t scenes from that great new game Redneck Rampage. Come t’think of it, these scenes look right close on the program but rather “happened” t’what was going on at the Fair. when one of the Sandler boys bet one of Miz Jackson’s famous blackberry pre- the Johnsons that he couldn’t ride serves were passed over in favor of Tandy Lucifer, the big black stud-bull that runs Wilson’s Fuzzy Orange Peel Surprise.And loose in the Lees’ pasture across the way. hoo-eee, were the judges surprised—! Hickston is now minus two Johnsons, BUFORD’S three Wilsons, and a McCoy, but a good For full listings of winners and casualties, time was had by all. see our front page story from yesterday. ROOFERS! The livestock competition was fairly lively despite the lack of blood and live You can’t say our name ten times fast, ammunition. The cattle category went as expected, pinning the blue on the but we don’t care. You only need to call Wilsons’ Bossy VIII, proving once again Doesn’t Granny deserve it once. If your shack is leakin’ like a that just because an animal’s got three the best? cow pissin’ on a flat rock, we’re your eyes doesn’t mean that she can’t be a hell guys. I’ll send Joe, Bob, Billy and Rusty of a milker. However, there was a surprise around to look at it for a while. If you upset in the hog category as newcomer Remember feed them, I won’t get them back, so Bessie outshone both Cooter Joe’s don’t. They’ll then climb up there and unnamed boar (the big mean sonuvagun Grimley Mortuary fix ‘er right up, but don’t go lookin’ up that gored the Jeffersons’ youngest boy for all of your burial needs their ladders, your lible to see some last spring) and Bo Sandler’s sow Candy to crackage, and that ain’t pretty ma’am.” take first place. Bessie’s owners Leonard and Bubba went home right proud of their “When the taxidermist just won’t do...” little lady. That’s one smart pig! 1-800-555-HOLE for Another unexpected first-place rib- 1 800 555-GRIM BUFORD’S ROOFERS! bon was awarded in the jam category as THE HICKSTON HOG® Page 5 WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THESE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT CHICKENS? TO END A LEVEL, YOU HAVE Accident on the main road floods TO SMACK BUBBA IN THE Hickston with feathery livestock By J. Berman FACE WITH YOUR CROWBAR. For the Hickston Hog HICKSTON,ARKANSAS — If you’re a local THAT'S THE REASON YOU'RE (and we’re sure you are) you may have been noticing a high frequency of squishy READING THIS MANUAL IN clucking impacts as you tear down the roads in your pickup. Nope, it’s not the Jeter boys forgetting to lock up the hen- THE FIRST PLACE, RIGHT? house again — a truck bound for J.Cluck’s If you believe all of the rest of the crap in this manual, Poultry Processing Plant has mysteriously then you are as dumb as Bubba. disappeared in the area. Before it vanished,however,it’s appar- ent that somebody or something released all of the factory-bound poultry aboard. Bad for J. Cluck but good for you, eh? LOCAL WOMAN DON’T MISS THE “It’s been home-fried chicken for din- ner every night for three days,” boasted a SEES ELVIS! SPRING KING reporter at this paper who elected to “The resemblance is uncanny,” remain anonymous. “I ain’t eaten this good SALE!!! since that ‘mad chicken disease’ scare had neighbors agree ‘em literally giving away hens at the gates.” By J.Tortolano The J. Cluck plant has offered a For the Hickston Hog reward of 25 cents per chicken recovered and returned, preferably in one piece and RABBIT RIDGE, ARKANSAS — On free of tire treads or bitemarks. A substan- Tuesday, Annie-May Jethers clocked in tially larger reward has been offered for with her fifth Elvis sighting this month, any news regarding the whereabouts of breaking all previous area records. the truck and its driver. If you have any “I reckon I just have a knack for it,” information and could do with a cool hun- Jethers explained as she proudly displayed dred bucks, call J. Cluck & Associates at her latest sighting:a potato which,if viewed 555-GIBLET. from the proper angle, did indeed resemble the King in his later years. Previous sight- ings include a gas-station attendant, a pig with unusual sideburns, a spot on a cow, Overrun with chickens? and a stain on the kitchen wall. Tripping over pullets? Ankle-deep “[The stain] wept real tears!” the 31- in capons? We’re buying! year-old farmwife insisted. Real artifacts from As evinced by last week’s “Presley- THE KING! J. Cluck’s Poultry shaped thundercloud” which was wit- Processing Plant nessed by every sober resident in We’ve got Sweat, Hankies, and Hickston (see “Elvis in the sky!, last the World-Famous Coveted Friday’s edition), Elvis sightings are at an At the end of Shroud of Graceland! all-time high in the county this spring, Creek Road, Hickston leading some residents to speculate that Also available on T-Shirts, Jeans, the King may soon return. Others say it’s Belt Buckles and Hats. Home of the World-Famous just aliens. Cream-Filled Chicken Eclair Reverend Weatherby has declined to On display out on the back comment on the likelihood of a second porch of Le Rouge d’Nec, this You bring ‘em, we wring ‘em! coming. weekend only. Page 6 Advertisement/Redneck Rampage™ Product of the Week Sponsored by The Hickston Meat Co. (You can’t beat our meat!)
AllAll TheThe KILLIN’,KILLIN’, TwiceTwice TheThe HUMOR...HUMOR... HalfHalf TheThe INTELLIGENCE.INTELLIGENCE.
INTERPLAY PRODUCTIONS 16815 Von Karman Ave., Irvine CA 92606 (714) 553-6655 Visit www.engagegames.com to play www.interplay.com Redneck Rampage over the Internet! Hickston Meats and Redneck Rampage, A FEW HELPFUL HINTS: a winning combination When you see your friend Bubba, hit him in the head with yer crowbar to end the level and keep looking for poor old lost Bessie. Careful, now, them dynamite fuses is quick! Click once to light 'er, and click again to throw 'er ... you can hold down yer fire button to get a little more distance in yer throwin' arm. The best way to keep yer ass from gettin' shot up is to get yer alcohol and gut meters in the green zone. Remember, animals were put on this world for a purpose, so ya better make damn sure ya got some use outta them before you killum. (Meat by product) Cracks in the walls might indicate a lack of structural 'tegrity. I never went to no demolition school, but I am a right skilled amateur. Advertisement/Redneck Rampage™ Page 7
THINGS THAT YER HOSTILE one of them mongreloids after yer ass, you’ll be prayin’ for the fastest HURT PEOPLE ENEMY TYPES cowboy boots that’s ever graced the face of this earth. Crowbar - There’s just something Mosquito - You may have heard a so satisfying about the bone-jarrin’ yarn or two about the size of the Turd Minion - Rumor has it that feeling of a cold piece of steel laid insect life here in the deep South. them Turd Minions is actually made across a warm skull. Now, I suggest ya don’t take these from alien fecal matter. Ayup, you stories too lightly, ’cause I’ve seen heard right, alien shit! Seems them .454 Casull pistol - This ain’t no some mosquitos in my time that buggers have found some kind’a pea-shooter, boy. She packs quite a could suck a full-grown steer bone way to recycle their own crap. They punch and is real accurate from a dry. Hell, some farmers ’round bring it to life and use them little distance. these parts even claim that a buggers to do all their work for ’skeeter can carry off a Javelina if it them. Damn, I’m startin’ to think I’m Shotgun - The primary weapon for gets hungry enough. Ain’t no bug on the wrong side here. I mean, can some up-close and personal killin’. repellent in the world gonna keep ya imagine it? You could take a Tap her gently to let off a single these bastards away, so ya best be dump and have the little turd go load, or lean on her to empty both keepin’ a loaded shotgun handy if’n plow the back 40! Ah, just as well, barrels. you’re gonna go traipsin’ through those little freaks probally would the backwoods. never get a lick o’ work done, the Ranch Rifle - Pssst…Don’t tell way they always be hoppin’ around Sheriff Hobbes now, but we done Chicken - Chickens really don’t like that. Nope, more likely they modified this baby to be fully auto- make good huntin’, ’cause they just wouldn’t be worth…Well, worth a matic. Remember, fire in controlled ain’t much of a challenge. Now I shit I imagine. bursts if ya don’t wanna be shootin’ reckon’ ya might be able to get ’em at the sky… riled up enough to provide some Skinny Old Coot - Most of the town decent target practice, but as far as folk are a bit scared of that skinny Dynamite - These ain’t eggsackly I’m concerned, theys generally just old coot. No one can say for sure what you’d call Safe N’ Sane. Light a pain in the ass, and is constantly how old he is, but he’s been livin’ ’em, throw ’em, then get the hell gettin’ in the way. Nope, if ya ask round here since long before any- outta the way. me, a chicken is at its best when its one else can remember. Folks say floatin’ way down at the bottom of a he’s been touched by some bad Crossbow - When yer throwin’ arm J. Cluck’s Deep Fryin’ vat. mojo, and now he cain’t be killed. A gets a little tired, try duct-tapin’ a few people have even claimed that stick ’a dynamite to an arrow. She’ll Cow - It always amazes me how they’ve actually seen the old man fly mightly far with a cross-bow, and many slugs you can pump into a die. Somehow though, he always the twang of the bow-string is sorta cow before she’ll go down. Hell, I manages to come back. To make like a banjo. hit one with my truck once and it things worse, the old fart hates took the radiator and grill complete- tresspassers, and thinks he owns Rip Saw - This here is your dual- ly out. Damn thing just kept on the whole county. Hell, he’s so purpose killin’ machine—one mode walkin’ cross the road too, as if it damn old that maybe that’s not so gives ya that close-up chainsaw never paid me no nevermind. I’ll tell impossible to believe. action, while the other is perfect fer ya, them animals make for some some long-distance mutilation. great cover when your ass is in a Billy Ray Jeter - Billy Ray has Best watch out for that nasty bind. They ain’t so bright though; I always been a bit of a loner, and rebound now. tipped one over once and it took it doesn’t care much for comp’ny nearly a whole day to figger out how (even though he does consider Alien Arm Gun - Well now, them to get back up. most folks to be his cousin, an’ in tendons is a little slimy, and the fire- his case, he’s likely right). Like works it lets out’ll burn the hair on Pig - Don’t you be shootin’ no pigs many folk round these parts, Billy your arms clean off, but I’ll be now, ya hear. Some of my most Ray swims in the shallow end of the damned if this thing won’t crispify favorit things on this earth is made gene pool, if’n you catch my drift. just about anything. from them critters. Somehow, them Because of several generations animals always seem to lift me up of…errrr…selective breedin’, he is Powder Keg - Thems give new when I’m feelin’ down. ’Sides, they one mammoth of a man. That boy’s meanin’ to the phrase “Handle with ain’t quite as dumb as chickens and skull is so thick I swear you could care.” I wouldn’t even recommend cows ya know. Piss off a Javelina and crack a bowlin’ ball on it. fartin’ too close to these things. You she might just gnaw yer foot off if’n can set ’em off with just about any- ya ain’t careful. I heard a rumor about Billy Ray thing…Just make shore you shoot recently. Word has it he was out frog ’em from a safe distance. Dog - Dogs round here ain’t like giggin’ in the swamp late one night, them lazy city dogs; they gots t’earn and one of them alien space ships Well now, I’m just too ashamed to their keep. you be might careful not sucked his big ass up. They say they talk about this here gun. I just know to go messin’ ’round with no farm done cloned that boy, but was so I’m gonna get throwed outta the dogs, ’cause they’re awful temper- disappointed with the results, they lodge if anyone sees me wearin’ it. mental about strangers bein’ in their dumped the whole lot back into the But Damnit…it just feels so nice territory. Ya best pay attention to swamp. Now I guess there’s sup- against m’ skin! what I’m sayin’ now, ’cause if ya get posed to be hundreds of them Billy Page 8 Advertisement/Redneck Rampage™
Ray clones traipsin’ about, and no known that he puts up with no guff Hip waders - Not only will these one knows which is the original. in his county. You’d probably find babies let you run like lightnin’ when Hell, I don’t see what’s so hard to his brand of southern justice is a you’re knee deep in pig filth, but they figger out…just look for the one might extreme, so be sure you don’t also do a fine job of keepin’ the cold with the corn mash on his breath. get on his bad side if you don’t outta yer nether regions. wanna end up in the swamps feed- Alien Hulk Guards - Well now, them in’ the ’gators. Vacuum Hose and Welding alien critters don’t appear to be the Goggles - These ain’t eggsackly sharpest pencils in the box, but I’ll what you might call self-contained, be damned if they ain’t the biggest. HEALTH FOOD but they still make for some damn Not only that, but they is armed to N’ STUFF fine breathin’ aperatus. the teeth (and I think even those might be weapons too). Far as I can CowPie™ - Mmmmnnn…nothin’ Moonshine - Grandma’s recipe will tell, they’s some kind of half critter, like a little simulated bovine excre- shore ’nuff light a fire in yer belly half machine type thing. All I know ment to fill the tummy and make an and send ya haulin’ ass down the for sure is that if you really wanna ailin’ feller fell a little better. road like a gut shot javalina! This kill one, you better blow his ass to liquid tonic’ll clear the head and set- bits. Otherwise, they seem to have Pork Rinds - They’re crispy, they’re tle a gassy belly. some kinda backup battery contrap- crunchy, and they’re made from 100 tion that keeps rechargin’ after a percent deep-fried, All-American, EATIN’ AN’ DRINKIN’ while. processed pig parts. Yummy! If thems don’t make ya feel better, Both will make you feel better, but Alien Vixens - It just pains my heart nuthin’ will. beware: the drunker ya get, the hard- to have to fight such a luscuous er it’ll be t’walk straight. An’ the more example of femanine beauty. I Whiskey - I just can’t hit a damn gut ya get, the harder it’ll be t’sneak guess when it comes right down to thing when I’m sober. I find that just up on them aliens.
HOW TO DO STUFF IN THE GAME MOUSE Alt + Arrow Strafe in direction of arrow key ESC Escape back to Main Menu Button 1 Fires the selected weapon Ctrl Fire Current weapon F1 Help and game story Button 2 Walk forward A Jump F2 Save game Button 3 Strafe Z Crouch F3 Load game Backspace 180¡ Turn F4 Sound\Music settings JOYSTICK [ or ] Select inventory item F6 Quick save Movement Direction Enter Use current inventory item F7 Chase view Button 1 Fires the selected weapon W Drink Whiskey (if owned) F8 Toggle messages On\Off Button 2 Walk forward B Drink Beer (if owned) F9 Quick Load Button 3 Strafe Take a quick pee F10 Quit to DOS Y Yee haw F11 Brightness GAMEPAD `C Eat CowPieª (if owned) F12 Take a PCX screen shot Movement Direction M Drink moonshine - (minus) Shrink screen (faster play) Button 1 Fires the selected weapon #’s 1-0 Weapons selection + (plus) Enlarge game screen Button 2 Walk forward ; or ’ Previous weapon or next Button 3 Use items or open doors weapon Options for Network Games Button 4 Strafe Scroll Lock Holster weapon Alt + F1-F10 Holler at yer kin (just try it Keypad 5 Center view and see) KEYBOARD Home\End Aim up\Aim down Shift + F1-F10 Send pre-defined Macro Arrows Movement PgUp\PgDn Look up\Look down Messages Spacebar Use items or open doors Ins\Del Peek left\Peek right T Type a message to everyone Tab 2D map modes Pause Pause game (hold Shift to W Show opponent’s weapon Shift + Arrow Run avoid message) K See Co-Op view Caps Lock Auto run Advertisement/Redneck Rampage™ Page 9
INTERPLAY The producers of Redneck Rampage K Genecco Gunworks, Stockton, CA Baby’s Liquored Up CREDITS PRODUCTIONS would like to thank the following The Beat Farmers people... The Million Dollar Club, Dallas, TX. A.I. PROGRAMMING Meadow Williams "Baby's Liquored Up", performed by XATRIX ARTHUR ATTILA DONAVAN Jim Gauer and Enterprise Partners, the Beat Farmers (Country Dick ENTERTAINMENT L.L.P. for the green light and the Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steak House, Montana/Mojo Nixon/Joey Harris/Paul LEAD TESTER Dallas, TX. ORIGINAL CONCEPT, DARRELL JONES money to produce Redneck Rampage. Kamanski), Cricket Pie Music, DESIGN AND DIRECTION The kind and warm hearted people of BMI/Stuffin Muffin Music, TESTERS Brian Fargo and Alan Pavlish at BMI/Joey Harris Music, ASCAP/Paul DREW MARKHAM Interplay for actually buying it. Louisville, Arkansas. TIM ANDERSON, ERICK LUJAN Burge's BAR-B-Q, Cones and Shakes Kamanski Music/BMI PRODUCED BY TIEN TRAN Mom, Pop and Kitty Markham for yer' GREG GOODRICH of Louisville, Arkansas. IS TECHS kind hospitality and the crawfish at yer' Nurture My Pig GAME PROGRAMMING Dudley & Gerald's in Shreveport, LA. Murrell's Diner in Shreveport, The Reverend Horton Heat BILL DELK, AARON MEYERS Louisiana for the killer grits. RAFAEL PAIZ John Venoble and his wife Peggy for "Nurture My Pig" - performed by COMPATIBILITY TECHS Jason Graff ... 'The Graffster' ... at ART DIRECTORS MARC DURAN, DAN FORSYTH the use of yer' wave-runners at Lake Reverend Horton Heat, courtesy of Sub Bistineau, Louisiana. Special thanks to Kinko's for makin' copies at the copy Pop Records; (P) 1993 Sub Pop CLAIRE PRADERIE DEREK GIBBS, AARON OLAIZ center. MICHAEL “MAXX” KAUFMAN JACK PARKER John Venoble for towing us back to the Records, written by Tom Foote; ©1990 marina after we broke um'. Wes Stevens at The Talent Group, Inc. Horton House Enterprises (BMI). All LEAD LEVEL DESIGNER DIRECTOR OF COMPATIBILITY rights reserved. ALEX MAYBERRY PHUONG NGUYEN Joe, Bo and Charlene Dowden for the Ed James of Troma, Inc. for the Toxic cruise on the 'Pine Cove Express' even Avenger paraphernalia. ASSISTANT QA DIRECTOR Trash Can LEVEL DESIGN though we didn't spot any of yer' there John Conley for being one bad-ass Cement Pond MAL BLACKWELL, SVERRE KVERNMO COLIN TOTMAN 'gaters like you said we would. mo-fo and keeping Burton Gilliam safe “Trash Can” performed by Cement SENIOR ANIMATOR AND ARTIST QA DIRECTOR Steve and Vivette Middlebrooks and while in L.A. Pond; written by Drew Markham; JASON HOOVER CHAD ALLISON their son Quaid of the 'Borra Borra Kevin Vance, Mike Baumer and the rest ©1997 Scatalogic Music. TECHNICAL DIRECTOR QA TEAM #2 LEAD: Booze Cruise' in Bossier City, LA for of the spec. warriors at Naval Special ANTHONY TAYLOR supplying the Tequila and Dramamine. Warfare Center ST-1 and ST-5 in Gettin’ Drunk BARRY DEMPSEY The Beat Farmers QA TEAM #2: Brandi Middlebrooks of Bossier City, Coronado, CA. for reminding us that MOTION CAPTURE SPECIALIST AND TYMOTHI LOVING, CHRIS FRANKIE Louisiana -- call us when you turn 18. freedom is not free (and teaching us a "Gettin' Drunk", performed by the Beat CHARACTER ANIMATION ADAM CHANEY, AMY PRESNELL bunch of really neat stuff.) Farmers (Country Dick Montana/Mojo AMIT DORON CHRIS CAYTON Mike and Susan Jarrett for the chaw. R. Carter Lipsomb the most backwards- Nixon/Joey Harris), Cricket Pie Music, ADDITIONAL ANIMATION INTERPLAY PRODUCER Ralph & Kacoo's for the shrimp gumbo ass hillbilly Mississippi redneck we BMI/Stuffin Muffin Music, BMI/Joey GEORGE KARL BILL DUGAN and hush puppies. know, who was with us on that faithful Harris Music, ASCAP journey to the Arklatex, for proving to CHARACTER DESIGN INTERPLAY LINE PRODUCER Kelly's Truck Stop, Greenwood, LA. us all that it wouldn't hurt to eat craw- Wiggle Stick CORKY LEHMKUHL CHRIS BENSON The guy at 'The Horseshoe Casino' in fish without removing the mud-vein. The Reverend Horton Heat MAP PAINTERS INTERPLAY LOGO Shreveport, Louisiana who rolled 10 Crash Craddock, Lynn Wells and "Wiggle Stick" - performed by VIKTOR ANTONOV, MATTHIAS BEEGUER TIM DONLEY, CHARLES DEENEN straight points before crapping out. Dimitri LaBarge at TNNET in Nashville, Reverend Horton Heat, courtesy of Sub STEPHAN BURLE THANKS The Texas Department of Public Safety Tennessee for your continued support! Pop Records; (P) 1993 Sub Pop CHIP BUMGARDNER, BRAD GRACE, for not hauling Chuck's pucker'd ass The Standard Candy Company for mak- Records, written by James Heath, SCULPTORS p/k/a "Reverend Horton Heat"; ©1990 GEORGE ENGEL, JAKE GARBER KIRK TOME off to jail for exceeding the legal limit. ing the best damn candy on the planet and for sending it to us by the truckload! Horton House ENterprises (BMI). All JEFF HIMMEL MARKETING MANAGER Shreveport Sewage Treatment Facility rights reserved. Paul Vais for being a savior, mentor CHARACTER VOICES JIM VEEVAERT for not pressing charges and for letting PUBLIC RELATIONS us keep the film. and friend to everyone at Xatrix. Vixen LEONARD ERIKA PRICE Justin, Charlie and Little Mr. Tee Tee, EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS FOR Cement Pond BURTON GILLIAM PUTTING UP WITH THE LONG HOURS MANUAL WRITTEN BY the three muddy redneck kids of Taylor “Vixen” performed by Cement Pond; BUBBA, BILLY RAY, SKINNY OL' COOT KELLY AND GREG NEWCOMB Town, Louisiana and their dog Teddy Lynn, Nicole and Cathrine Paiz written by Drew Markham; ©1997 AND THE TURD MINION for the inspiration. Caryn, Alyson, and Shana Kaufman Scatalogic Music. MANUAL GRAPHICS AND DESIGN DREW MARKHAM Shawn Green, Jay Wilbur and Mike Erin and Marlee Blackwell LARRY FUKUOKA Einat Doron and Ygal Doron You Can’t Kill Me SHERIFF LESTER T. HOBBES Wilson of id Software for feedin' us the Mojo Nixon MOJO NIXON SPECIAL THANKS FROM XATRIX killer Mesquite BBQ. Patricia Fernandez SCOTT MILLER, TODD REPLOGLE, Sarah May "You Can't Kill Me" - Produced by Eric ALIEN VIXEN CHUCK BUECHE, DON MAGGI Scott Miller at Apogee for all the free "Roscoe" Amble. Published by - Muffin PEGGY JO JACOBS Duke Nukem shit and showin' us MUSIC Stuffin Music (BMI), administered by EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS where to find some shave-ice. SOUND DESIGN BRIAN FARGO UFOs Big Rigs & BBQ Bug Music. CD "Whereabouts GARY BRADFIELD Mom and Pop at 'Pop's Pantry' in Koran, Mojo Nixon Unknown", 1995 Blutarski REDNECK RAMPAGE Louisiana for the beef ribs and for not Entertainment, Inc./Ripe & Ready. MUSIC ©1997 XATRIX ENTERTAINMENT, INC. shootin' at us when we jumped yer' fence "UFOs Big Rigs & BBQ" - Produced by Catalog #Ripe-3825 MOJO NIXON All rights reserved. Redneck Rampage to take a picture of yer cute chickens. Eric "Roscoe" Amble. Published by - THE BEAT FARMERS and Interplay are trademarks of Interplay Muffin Stuffin Music (BMI), adminis- THE REVEREND HORTON HEAT Productions. All rights reserved. Interplay Walt Phandl of Phandl Metals, Inc. the tered by Bug Music. CD "Gadzooks!!! Cement Pond is: Drew Markham CEMENT POND is the sole publisher and distributor. All only person we could find who is The homemade Bootleg", 1997 (Guitar and Vocals), Jim Spurgin (Lead other trademarks and copyrights are the manly and virile enough to actually Needletime Records. Catalog Guitar), Jason Smith (Drums), Kitty ADDITIONAL SOUND EFFECTS property of their respective owners. own and shoot a .454 Casull. #Needletime 17751-2 Markham (Vocals on Vixen). JIM SPURGIN MOTION CAPTURE ACTOR J.P. MANOUX THESE ARE THEM FOLKS THAT MADE THIS HERE GAME MOTION CAPTURE VIXEN SHAWN WOLFE PRODUCTION ASSISTANCE MINERVA MAYBERRY NUTS AND BOLTS STEVE GOLDBERG MARCUS HUTCHINSON BEAN COUNTING MAX YOSHIKAWA ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANCE SERAFIN LEWIS LOCATION MANAGER, LOUISIANA RICK SKINNER LOCATION SCOUT, LOUISIANA BRIAN BENOS PHOTOGRAPHER CARLOS SERRAO ADDITIONAL 3D MODELING BY 3 NAME 3D VIEWPOINT DATALABS INTERNATIONAL AUDIO RECORDED AT PACIFIC OCEAN POST, SANTA MONICA, C.A. CEMENT POND TRACKS RECORDED AT DREAMSTATE RECORDING, BURBANK, C.A. RECORDING ENGINEER DAVE AHLERT 3D BUILD ENGINE LICENSED FROM 3D REALMS ENTERTAINMENT BUILD ENGINE AND RELATED TOOLS CREATED BY KEN SILVERMAN Left to Right: Mal Blackwell, Rafael Paiz, Alex Mayberry, Michael "Maxx" Kaufman, Greg Goodrich, Claire Praderie, Drew Markham, Barry Dempsey, Jason Hoover, Amit Doron. Photo by Carlos Serrao. Page 10 THE HICKSTON HOG®
A BUBBA’S HOMEGROWN S HORROSCOPE
K Aquarius Leo January 21-February 19 / Round Time July 24-August 23 / Shit It’s Hot, The Chickens Thaw Grandma Is Probably Dead Too Aquarinums are good-hearted folk who have This is the sign of the mighty lion, and we all BACKSWAMP a lot to live for. ‘Tis a shame their houses will know that lion is a sin. Turn yourself in with most likely be ripped away by a twister. Stock those filthy, plague-carrying Cancer crabs ANNIE up on beer. and go jump into a bog!
Dear Annie, Pisces Virgo February 20-March 20 / When The My husband wants boys but so far we’ve only had August 24-September 23 / Bout Time To House Floods girls. My brother has five strapping boys an he Put Grandma Away And Look For The Cows gives my Jimmy a right rough ol time about it, an Your sign is the fish, which is good because I don’t know what to do. What should I do? This is the sign your daughter keeps telling you were probably born underwater. Cooter Worried Wife you she is, but she’s probably a Leo consid- wants to move in, hide the pork rinds. Dear Worried Wife, ering how she gets whenever those salesmen Come on, girl, do I have to spell it out? G’wan out come ‘round. an’ whoop it up with your brother. Aries — Annie March 20-April 20 / When Those IRS Guys Screw You Libra September 24-October 23 / LuLu Is deer annie, This is the sign of taxes. If you were born on Swelling Up how du yu get blud out of wallpayper fast?? ps: it this sign, you are an exemption, because we wuz an aksident, i swear on the bibel it wuz. all know it’s the only way to keep those This is another evil sign. When you’re a Libra, anonneemus stinkin’ government types from touching our you stand against everything good in Dear “Anonneemus,” hard-earned money that we made all by our- America! You don’t deserve to be with people Forget the blood, next time hide the body better! selves by doing God’s honest work by proph- like me. Come ‘round and I’ll kill you. Sheriff Hobbes has been looking for you for days, esizing for the good folk of our local paper!!! buddy! And by the way, he says thanks for putting a Don’t buy bread. return address on your letter. Scorpio — Annie October 24-November 22 / Relatives Taurus Start Showing Up For No Reason April 21-May 21 / Things Start Dying Hey Annie, On The Lawn Those born under this sign are sneaky and My neighbor down the road keeps borrowing stuff octagonal. Attend a NASCAR event and you and not giving it back. Now he’s got my second- Born under the sign of the Ford, these may meet Mr. Right. best shotgun and he says he’s going to return it starchilds are mechanically aligned. Pro- next week but that’s what he said about the can- wrestling holds many possibilities, but don’t opener and I never saw that again. When I told sit in the front row. Sagittarius him this, he got rude and forced me off of his November 23-December 21 / Damn property. I’m so mad I’m thinkin about “acciden- Relatives Talk During Football! tally” driving over his mailbox — maybe his Gemini porch, too. Should I? May 22-June 21 / The Dog Hasn’t This is the sign of those born at the same J. Wilson Moved In Weeks time as that guy from the Home Video TV Dear J. Wilson Twins is your sign, and twins is what your show. You can make a lot of money on that Sure, why not? Just hope that he can’t read this column. sister might have if you don’t stop that right show if you put explosives in the toilet and — Annie now. Send her to me. film it.
Dear Annie, Cancer Capricorn My pa’s marrying my second cousin, even tho he June 22-July 23 / The Dog Is Probably December 22-January 20 / The Month knows that I’ve been sweet on her since we was Dead Of Kings kids. Help! What do I do? Jealous I write this every week, but this sign is Now is a good time for this Holiest of Holy DOOMED. DOOMED I TELL YOU. They say Dear Jealous, signs. Start that home decorating project Does she have any sisters? it’s crabs, but I say it’s THE DEVIL’S ERADI- now. They are having a sale on beer-can wall — Annie CATOR!!! GIVE UP! racks down at the the Thrift Shack. THE HICKSTON HOG® Page 11
If’n you want somethin’ or someone, or are sellin’ somethin’ or someone, put it in the CLASSIFIEDS Call 555-SELL and ask for Selma
Lost Prize Hog. If found, please do not eat! Holler for Play Redneck Rampage online. For Sale: Previously driven orange Dodge Charger with Leonard and Bubba in Hickston. Go to www.engagegames.com. If you don't know what flag painted on top. Just a few dings and scratches. Only this all means, the Alien Hulk Guard Users' Group meets driven by a couple of good ol’ boys. Weeeee-HAW! See Move into the ‘90s with Kingfish’s Mountain Paging. Call every Wednesday night at Stanky's downtown. Bo & Luke, Hazzard County. up 555-PAGE, and I’ll send ‘round someone to holler at whomever ya need. GARANTEED! Astroturf! I’ve got Astroturf pre-cut to match your truck-bed. Help, I’ve been cloned! Sheriff Hobbes. Call 555-8765 and let me know what kind of truck you got. I am a svelte 54-year-old widda who’s lovable, hug- Help, I’ve been cloned! Sheriff Hobbes. gable and quite a handful. I’m 34-34-34, you be 6’+ and FOR SALE: Hole in ground spitting out right slimy stuff. Help, I’ve been cloned! Sheriff Hobbes. no more than 400 lbs. We’ll hunt, kill and cut bait togeth- Will take best offer. Contact J.D. Clampett, Bugtussle. Get a bony fido Psykic Reading any time day or nite! Call er. Wanda, Box 69. Help! Journalist trapped in a backwater town, forced to the Psycik Frend Line at 1-900 CRISTALBALL for Real Big cinder-block blow-out! I’ve got 28 extra cinder write bad copy for a hick newspaper. Call the police! Sykick Advyce — pom reeding, astrologee, or tarow. Call blocks, but no cars to put on them. They’re yours for the K.Newcomb. now! hauling! Ned 555-4321. FOR SALE: Used ‘puter, just like new. Don’t work. Keeps Out-of-towner seeking Terran specimens. You be male or saying it has windows, but they ain’t no latches. Call 555- Have aliens been bothering you? Landing on your female, any age, looking 4 new horizons & open to the 2534 and ask for Dick. land? Stealing your family members? Call me, I want to idea of artificial impregnation. Stand on your lawn at mid- believe. F. Mulder, 54-TRUTH. NEEDED: Wrestling/tractor-pull tickets, any kind, any night on Sunday — I’ll come 2U! Whoever left a hollowed-out, half-skeletonized cow car- bout, as soon as possible — promised the missus to take FREE KITTENS — make good-eatin'! Holler at Cletus cass on the roof of Mrs. Jasper’s place, please come get it! her ‘somewhere special’ for anniversary. 555-1973. 'round by the gas station. Anytime before six. I’ll pay you for those old cars and appliances on your front lawn! 555-1177, or come by the junkyard & we’ll Puppies — free, mixed-breed spaniels, good hunting-dog Civil War Recreation Society: Come and act out the way work somethin out. types. Will throw in a free tire-iron and a pack of RedMan. the war should have been won. The South always wins on Ask at Stanky’s. Talk LIVE one-on-one with Alien Vixens! our fields. Call KIL-YANK and ask for Clifford. 1-900-MAN-EATER Wanted: Good home for child born unto us from Satan. Government trying to get you? Shoot off your foot in a Very sweet, overly hairy. Answers to Spot. Contact Roger Wanted: mudbugs. If you got 'em, we want 'em. Contact ‘work related injury?’ Being harrassed by foreigners? Call at 555-6666. Big Daddy's Gourmet Bait & Tackle Shop. me — I’m Lobo H. Puskat, Lawyer, and I’ll fight for you! Save Revell’s Bowlero Save 10¢ Bowling Is Fun For The Whole Family 10¢ Bring this scorecard and save ten cents on your shoe rental
Four Lanes Bar Eats Jukebox Indoor Plumbing Bowling Is Fun For The Whole Family Page 12 THE HICKSTON HOG®
COW BABY Continued from page 1 DISASTER Continued from page 1 Ah dunno.That’s jes’ the kind’a weird shit Two Polecat residents were subse- BACHELOR aliens like t’do ta nice normal folks lahke quently located on the outskirts of town OF THE WEEK us, y’know? Lotsa weird shit’s been goin’ and have been brought in for questioning, on ‘round these-heah parts lately. Like that but preliminary reports are not promising. Billy Ray Jeter thing. Ah could tell ya all According to Sheriff Parmer,“Those poor ‘bout it...come t’think of it, Ah haven’t mountain boys are talkin’ crazier than seen Lester fur near-on two days now...” usual. Something about giant mosquitos When questioned about the disap- and aliens. It’s obvious that they’ve been pearances, the Hobbes’ nearest neighbors raving drunk all night.We may never know confirmed that ‘life ‘round these parts”has what happened here. But judging by the been stranger than usual. Livestock has sheer extent of the damage, whoever did been reported either missing or wander- it had to have cojones the size of my head.” ing around dazed with their heads com- Officials in the neighboring towns of pletely shaved, and the town drunk has Hickston and Rabbit Ridge were alerted to been spotted in several places at once by the situation by a quartet of vacationing fairly reliable witnesses. college students who’d been passing It’s even possible that there’ve been through and found the town eeriely Leonard (no last name available), fine upstand- ing young citizen with a knack for raisin' human disappearances as well, though empty. A full investigation is underway. hogs...or massively inbred gun-toting lunatic this cannot yet be confirmed as Hickston with the brain the size of a chick pea? Either residents live scattered far back into the way, this week he's Hickston’s Most Eligible hills and a reliable census has never been Bachelor. achieved. Name: "Leonard, just Leonard" “The McCoy children from up Green Ridge way haven’t attended classes for Status: single. Has a whole mess o' two weeks,” says local schoolteacher married sisters out in the hills some- Annabelle Franks, “but that’s normal wheres. around this time of year. It’s huntin’ sea- Occupation: raising hogs, moon- son, you know. As opposed to poachin’ lighting over at J. Cluck’s. season, which is all year ‘round for them Hobbies: hanging out at Stanky's, high-hills types. Not like us respectable making fun of tourists, huntin' with valley types. Folks have to lock up their his friend Bubba, arm-wrasslin', sit- false teeth around them McCoy kids...” STANKY’S tin' on the porch,stacking beer cans, BAR & GRILL calling the Crop Circle Hotline. Measurements: none available -- threatened to "open up a big ol' can 46 Locations Statewide of whoopass" the next time our reporter tried to get his inseam. Now Up Past The Taylor Turn-Ons: the sound of hogs Town Roundabout — Y’all squealing, the smell of transmission Know Where fluid and gunpowder, large quanti- WEATHER FORECAST ties of beer chugged in the company of good buddies, pigtails, freckles, FOR TOMORROW: Saturday is Moonshine Night Faberge eggs, good home cookin' -- (BYOM) "any gal who k'n outshoot me... Dark,followed by scattered light in the maybe, jes' half the time or so." early morning, clearing up to full light Sunday is Noon-To-Night Turn-Offs: computers, people who by noon.Another dark front should hit Drink-Til-You-Drop play video games, Commies, long- hairs, liberals, aliens, Elvis imitators in the evening, with total darkness set- ("That's blasphemy! The Reverend Pretty gals get their first two ting in tonight and persisting through sez they're gonna BURN an' Ah'm all drinks free! for it!"), finding maggoty chicken until the next day. There might be a bits wedged waaaaay up in a truck's moon up. High probability of stars. Ask about our franchise suspension. opportunities There’ll probably be some wind and Personal Quote: "If a tree's good 'nough for muh dawg, it's damn well clouds, too.You never know. FREE PEANUTS WITH THIS AD good enough for me."