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The Water Tower Vol. 7 Issue 6

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The Water Tower Vol. 7 Issue 6 volume 7 - issue 6 - tuesday, march 2, 2010 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr by maxbookman malcolm valaitis pring break starts Friday and you don’t have any cool plans. Talk Don’t even think about saying you’re mer job at Hollister and tell her that invited you out to Vancouver to party about weeeak sauce. There is going just staying in Burlington. you would like to spend a week folding with him for a week, hardcore Canadian to be a lot of pressure on you this Burlington gets pretty empty when seagull-embroidered polos and inhaling style. And you know how crazy those week as you field questions about your all 10,000 of us catamounts clear out. unhealthy quantities of the H.Co. cologne Canadians get. plans from everyone from the cashier at Campus is a ghost town and there’s that permeates the entire store (and the the Marketplace to the kid on your floor nobody around to chill with. Your op- 50 square foot section of the mall outside Turn a family trip to Florida into a who you don’t really know but just brush tions are either skiing or smoking pot the store). What a snooze! Instead, say classic Spring Break partyfest! your teeth next to awkwardly sometimes. on your couch watching Family Guy you’re getting paid to go to Haiti to help So you’re going to the Sunshine Sure, you can settle with “I’m just go- reruns on TBS. But! What if you were feed all the starving refugees. They’ll State with the fam to visit grandma and ing home. Probably gonna spend a lot of selected to become a member of an elite need the help, especially now that all the grandpa. The warm weather will be a quality time with my cat,” or, “me and my environmental hazard clean-up team cable news anchors have hightailed it to nice change, but that’s right about where sister are hitting up Alice and Wonder- charged with removing the remains of the Chile to cover the new devastating earth- awesomeness will end. Florida, despite land, it’s gonna be sooo trippy,” but come beached whale that washed up on North quake on the block. everyone’s first reaction, really isn’t the on, that’s totally lame. What you need is Beach two weeks ago? You can say that same thing as St. Thomas or Jamaica. to do something interesting. Something they were trying to keep the whale alive, Going back to Massachusetts to watch Especially if your old folks live in shitty exciting. Something cool. Or, as Ah-nold but after Shamu ate that girl at Sea World, your little brother’s hockey tourney? Pensacola. It’s not exactly going to be would say, “yoou need to pahmp ahp the authorities decided it would be best Make it Vancouver instead. bikini central. But you’re not going to your spring break!” to blow it up. Your mission: Picking up There’s nothing sadder than when tell anyone about any of that. Instead, The problem is, it’s too late to actually charred whale chunks and sticking them someone talks about their lame spring say you’re going to where the real spring make great plans, so you’re going to have in a giant wheel barrel. Now those are break plans and then tries to look on the breaking is at. The Caribbean. Say you’re to lie. plans to brag about. bright side with something even lamer going to St. Thomas with some friends Not sure what to say? Well you’re in like, “but my little bro is gonna be in a from home for a week of classic Spring luck. Your friends at the water tower are Make “Oh, I’m just working at my old three day hockey tournament, so that Break drunken debauchery, destruction great at lying. Now you will have some- job for a week,” into “Oh, I’m just should be pretty cool.” No, dude, that’s of property, and fornication with strang- thing to say to that kid in your English working to save the refugees in Haiti.” not going to be pretty cool. Pump it ers. Wow, that’s original! Just kidding, class who has been bragging to you all Aw, you’re just a hard-workin’ college up by changing your thirteen year-old it’s what everyone does, but that’s alright, week about his Girls Gone Wild intern- student trying to make a little extra cash brother into to a twenty three year-old people will believe you. After all, why ship at Playa de Mama in Punta Cana. to pay off those student loans hanging Olympian brother. He just finished up would anyone lie about their spring break Come to think of it, that kid is probably over your head. You thought you would his Olympic service with Team USA and plans? g lying too. just call up your boss from your sum- news reflections créatif stuffé advertise for your club or organization with know your rights why we’re screwed: thorns: part two the water tower. we’re by paulgross and what to do by duskpeña cheaper than the other guys. by lauradillon [email protected] by melaniekartzmer by gregfrancese I thought I had seen it all when the Nation, we’ve got a problem. The “tough on crime” former Governor Eliot socialist institution, National Broadcast- Spitzer resigned after evidence showed ing Company (NBC), has moved in on that he had been having sex with pros- something we all hold dear – the Winter by emilyhoogesteger titutes. But I was wrong. David Pater- Olympic Games. After spending more son, current Governor of New York, got than $820 million for the rights to every- Keeping up with current affairs is important, but it also takes a lot of time and effort caught up in an abuse scandal, argu- thing “Olympics,” NBC has made sure that you’d rather be spending skiing/boarding/celebrating your awesome day of skiing ably less exciting that Eliot’s prostitutes, words and phrases like “Vancouver 2010,” and boarding. The news changes constantly and there’s no way any sane person could which ultimately led him to drop out of “Winter Olympics,” and “coverage” are keep track of it all. Luckily, there’s a simple solution – only read the headlines. With- the race for Governor. News broke that not used in the same sentence by anyone out even leaving your internet homepage, you’ll be informed about the world and still one of Patterson’s aides was accused of else. Additionally, any indication of rings have time to zip out to the mountain before dinner. To get you started, here’s a few real violently beating a woman. The question in the traditional Olympic logo formation headlines and the stories behind them (we didn’t read the stories, of course, but we’re is, why did Paterson contact the woman is grounds for a lawsuit. pretty sure our conclusions are dead-on). a few days before she didn’t show up in Perhaps the most qualified person to court, where she would have tried to get deal with this oppression of American “Has Your Cell Changed Your Life?” protection from the aide? The case was free speech is Stephen Colbert, unofficial An employment ad from a tourism company looking for testimonials from jailed con- dismissed. Strange. This is not even the spokesperson for our great nation. If NBC victs. With space in tropical destinations all but used up, tourism is heading toward a first of humiliating events he has been in- has the rights to the Olympics, Mr. Col- new frontier with week-long getaways at federal detention centers. volved in. Talk of alleged affairs and mis- bert has the rights to anything American. tresses have been rumored for months, We saw what was posted in the water tower about the five things one can do “Where does Jobs Bill Stand?” The Quadrennial Cold Weather Athletic Was supposed to be “Where does Jobs, Bill Stand?” A human interest story about Bill beginning just days after taking over for while waiting in the line for New World, and we’d like this response to be Games are an important part of Ameri- Spitzer. I’m sorry if this is too much to considered: Jobs, a small-town shopkeeper who couldn’t find anywhere to stand at the crowded can diplomacy. Vancouver, though not a City Council meeting. Unfortunately, the copy editor was lazy and neglected to note ask, but New York, can we please get our with macsmith part of the United States (yet), has served shit together? I do not understand why 1. Catch up on the phone with friends/family. the missing comma. as center stage for one of the greatest rep- “Death Toll Rises in Portugal” having a Governor not involved in a scan- 2. Make friends with others in line. NBC If NBC has been covering the Olympics at all, it’s only been for ice dal should be a rare find. dancing. I’m pretty sure. resentations of America’s diplomatic and An investigative journalism piece exploring the fact that more people have now died 3. Read the menu and be ready to place your order. athletic authority. Winning gold medals With the ever-growing number of 4. Think about how much you love the peanut sauce. than ever before. Even Portugal, which is rumored to be populated by ageless demi- and dropping bombs is something the gods, is not immune to people continuing to die.
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