Parody Only

DISNEY'S THE MUPPET'S JEFF WAYNE'S WAR OF THE WORLDS

Written by

Ceinwen Langley

With words straight up lifted from Jeff Wayne

DISCLAIMER: The writer does not own any of the licensed characters featured in this script, and would very much like not to be sued. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT Stars glint at us from a magnificent expanse of space. A large RED STAR pulses, beautiful and ominous. (V.O.) ParodyNo one would have b eliOnlyeved in the last years of the nineteenth century that human affairs were being watched by intelligences that inhabited the timeless worlds of space. We pan across the universe to another STAR. It twinkles merrily, tinged a hopeful blue. GONZO (V.O.) No one could have dreamed we were being scrutinized as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of life on other planets. And yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this Earth with envious eyes. And slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us. Music: The Eve of the War begins with a bang, iconic strings hitting us like a punch to the gut. The stars glitter in time with the beat. TITLE CARD: DISNEY’S ’ JEFF WAYNE’S WAR OF THE WORLDS We race across the gulf of space towards the BLUE STAR as the opening credits roll. The BLUE STAR loses its glow, revealing itself to be the most precious jewel in the galaxy: EARTH. As the music dies down, the blue ball of EARTH glows red with fire. We pull back to reveal...

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT The reflection of LAMPLIGHT in the beady eyes of GONZO THE GREAT. Text on screen: 12th August, 1897 Page 2

The office is neat, orderly and lined with bookshelves. Framed newspaper pages hang on the walls and sit on the shelves, all featuring the same byline: Gonzo The Journalist. Gonzo looks back to his typewriter, fuzzy blue fingers stabbing at the keys like a man possessed. A tinplate Parodyphotograph of CAMILLA THE CHI CKEOnlyN watches lovingly from the desk. Something green GLITTERS in the night sky outside the open window. Gonzo looks up, surprised. GONZO What in the world... He abandons his typing and moves to the windowsill, staring at a RED STAR visible to the naked eye. It crackles and gives off a GREEN SPARK. And another. And another, until green sparks fill the sky. Watching them in awe, Gonzo moves back to his desk. Without taking his eyes off the phenomenon happening outside, he rips the page he was working on from the typewriter, inserts a fresh one, and begins to write anew. FADE TO:

INT. OBSERVATORY - DAY GONZO follows astronomer OGILVY BUNSEN through an observatory. He has a NOTEBOOK and PENCIL in hand. GONZO And you say these ‘gas eruptions’ are coming from Mars? They come to a stop beside an enormous telescope. BUNSEN’S assistant, , peers through it. BUNSEN Just so! Hurtling across two- hundred-million miles of void in our very direction. GONZO Should we be alarmed? BUNSEN Not at all. The gas will burn itself out before it ever arrives. Bunsen pushes Beaker out of the way and invites Gonzo to take a look. Page 3

He peers through the lens to see a multitude of beautiful GREEN PLUMES trailing through space. He pulls away, unsettled. GONZO ParodyAnd what if it’s no t gOnlyas? BUNSEN I beg your pardon? BEAKER Mee-mee meep? GONZO What if those green plumes are something else? Something sent from Mars? BUNSEN Sent? Bunsen and Beaker share a startled look, then laugh at the thought. BUNSEN (CONT'D) My dear fellow, there is nothing living on that remote, forbidding planet. GONZO That seems like a debatable fact right now, Dr. Bunsen. My readers are frightened. BUNSEN Tell your readers this, Mr. Journalist. The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one. BEAKER Meep mee-mee mee meep! GONZO I can quote you on that? BUNSEN I’d stake my career on it. A million to one. Page 4

EXT. OBERVATORY - DAY Music: The Eve of the War swells again as Gonzo exits the observatory onto a beautiful green hillside. He looks up at the green plumes, visible even in the daylight. He’s worried, Parodyeven if Bunsen isn’t. Only Unnoticed by Gonzo as he walks back towards town, DR. TEETH and the ELECTRIC MAYHEM jam in the valley: the source of the music we’re hearing. Zoot plays a pan flute instead of his usual sax. DR. TEETH (singing) The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one he said. The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one. But still they come.

EXT. OFFICE - NIGHT Gonzo sits down to his desk with a glass of brandy. He picks up the photograph of Camilla, looking at her wistfully when- CRASH! Gonzo’s brandy spills on the photograph as the earth judders and shakes! Gonzo races to the window. The green plumes are so close now that we can almost see what’s creating them. And mere miles from Gonzo’s window... a thick plume of GREEN SMOKE rises from the ground. GONZO (frightened) A million to one... NIGHT fades to DAY, and still the GREEN SMOKE billows.

EXT. HORSELL COMMON - DAY A beautiful park is marred by a wide CRATER. A CROWD of least fifty frightened and intrigued MUPPETS encircle the crater, stopping a safe distance away. Beaker and Bunsen cautiously approach as the smoke begins to clear. Gonzo follows close behind with his notebook at the ready. Page 5

GONZO This doesn’t look like mere gas, Dr. Bunsen. BUNSEN I believe it may prove to be a Parodysimple meteorite, M r. OnlyJournalist. GONZO Would you stake your career on that, too? Bunsen’s non-existent eyebrows furrow at GONZO. BEAKER (distressed) Mee-mee! Beaker points into the crater. An enormous silver CYLINDER lies inside. There’s a horrible SCRAPING sound as the top slowly rotates. Gonzo and Bunsen’s disagreement is forgotten. GONZO There must be someone inside! BUNSEN We have to help him! They rush forward, but are pushed back by an invisible wall of HEAT. BEAKER (in pain) Meep! BUNSEN It’s too hot! They retreat, staring down at the moving cylinder. GONZO (worried) What could possibly survive that amount of heat? BUNSEN (stunned) I... I don’t know. The Electric Mayhem play from amongst the crowd. Page 6

DR. TEETH (singing) The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one he said. The chances of anything coming from Mars. Are a million to one. But Parodystill they come. Ye s, Onlythe chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one. But still, they come.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT GONZO hangs up his hat, sits in front of his typewriter and begins to write. GONZO (V.O.) It seems totally incredible to me now that everyone spent that evening as though it were just like any other. A TRAIN whistles gently in the distance. Gonzo looks to the window. The GREEN SMOKE still billows, though its tendrils have grown softer. GONZO (V.O.) From the railway station came the sound of shunting trains, ringing and rumbling, softened almost into melody by the distance. It all seemed so safe and tranquil. Gonzo returns to his typing.

EXT. HORSELL COMMON - DAY A new day. Gonzo makes his way through a crowd of over a HUNDRED hypnotized Muppets. The loud SCRAPING sound continues. Gonzo steps on an annoyed RAT. RIZZO Watch it, pal. GONZO Sorry. Has anything new happened since yesterday? Page 7

RIZZO There’s about two feet worth a screw showin’ from the lid of that thing, but nothing else. ParodyGONZO gives the rat a discern ingOnly look. GONZO (pointed) You have a peculiar dialect for the 1890’s, sir. RIZZO Yeah? Well, you have a peculiar nose for a journalist, but do you hear me giving you notes? A SCREAM rends the air. RIZZO (CONT'D) I do believe that’s your cue. Gonzo rushes to the front of the crowd. The lid of the cylinder is askew, and a curly PINK ANTENNA emerges, followed by SPHERICAL EYES and a terrible, GAPING MAW. Bunsen, Beaker and several other members of the crowd take several steps toward it. BUNSEN (awed) A Martian! Rizzo appears at Gonzo’s side as he stares, too stunned even to write in his notebook. RIZZO (low) Uh, do we have the rights to these guys? GONZO (low) We’re not mentioning it. RIZZO Gotcha. A tall DEVICE rises from inside the CYLINDER. BEAKER Meep meep! Page 8

Bunsen looks to the device as the MARTIAN begins to quiver and shriek. MARTIAN Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip... ParodyBUNSEN Only It’s trying to communicate! (to the Martian) Welcome to Earth, my friend... The device shoots jet of fire. BUNSEN is gone in an instant, leaving behind only burning embers of his clothes. Gonzo and the CROWD take this in for one horrifying moment. BEAKER (terrified) MEEP! The spell is broken. The CROWD flees in every direction. Gonzo joins the screaming stampede, looking over his shoulder as he runs. The device fires again and again. The air fills with smoke and embers as MUPPETS and TREES disappear in flashes of light. Rizzo passes Gonzo, shrieking as he flees. RIZZO When did we start making horror movies? Rizzo disappears into the crowd.

EXT. HORSELL TOWN - DAY Gonzo slows and looks back he reaches town. The device is out of sight. Gonzo and the traumatized survivors of the crowd are safe.

INT. OFFICE - DAY Gonzo sinks into his desk and begins to type: The Martian Terror On Horsell Common. FADE TO: Page 9

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT Gonzo lies on the couch in a fitful sleep. The sound of HAMMERING drifts through the window, waking him Parodywith a start. He stares out t he Onlywindow in horror. GONZO That can’t be good.

EXT. HORSELL TOWN - DAY The hammering continues as Gonzo hands a coin to a NEWSPAPER RABBIT. The rabbit hands him a paper. The front page screams Gonzo’s own HEADLINE. BEAN BUNNY Here you go, sir. Gonzo looks in the direction of Horsell Common, then to the Muppets going about their daily routines all around him. GONZO It’s strange, isn’t it BEAN BUNNY What, sir? GONZO A Martian vessel fell to Earth and used a weapon beyond our imagination upon us. And here we all are, going on with our lives as though none of it had ever happened. BEAN BUNNY What else are we supposed to do? GONZO I don’t rightly know. But surely it ought to be more than this. (O.S.) Hup! Move along, there! Gonzo and the bunny look up the street. A large company of SOLDIERS march toward Horsell Common. Muppets scurry out of the way. BEAN BUNNY It seems your prayers have been answered, sir! Page 10

A DECORATED COMMANDER leads the company SAM EAGLE As you were, citizens! The American Army is here to do what it does Parodybest. Only An ARTILLERYMAN waves at him from the back of a pony. FOZZIE (whispering) Psst! Sam! This is supposed to be England. The COMMANDER grimaces. SAM EAGLE (forcing himself) I mean, the British army is here to do a thoroughly second-rate job at protecting any of you. Gonzo sighs. BEAN BUNNY Everything all right, sir? A new GREEN PLUME streaks overhead and CRASHES just out of sight. Muppets shriek as the earth SHAKES with the impact. SAM EAGLE Steady, men! We have our assignment! The soldiers keep marching toward Horsell Common. GONZO (to BEAN BUNNY) I suspect none of us are. You should get home, boy. Or better yet, out of town. BEAN BUNNY I think you might be right, sir.

INT. OFFICE - DAY Gonzo closes his shutters and draws the curtains, muffling the Hammering. He looks to his photograph of Camilla, then pulls a BRIEFCASE from a shelf and begins to pack. FADE TO: Page 11

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT Gonzo’s briefcase is packed and ready by the door. He pulls his latest article from the typewriter. He folds it and places it into an envelope when... ParodyA DOOR CREAKS inside the hous e. OnlyGonzo immediately reacts to the sound. GONZO Who’s there? FOZZIE (O.S.) What’s brown and sticky? Gonzo opens his office door to the Artilleryman. He stumbles inside, his fur matted and blackened with ash. FOZZIE (CONT'D) (weakly) Me. Gonzo rushes to help him. GONZO I saw you earlier. You were headed for the cylinder. What happened? FOZZIE They wiped us out. Hundreds gone... maybe thousands. Gonzo pours the Artilleryman a drink. He accepts it with shaking hands. GONZO The Martians? FOZZIE They were in inside the hoods of machines they made. GONZO They had machines? FOZZIE Massive metal things on legs. Giant machines that walked. They attacked us. They wiped us out. GONZO All that from just one cylinder? The Artilleryman nods. Page 12

FOZZIE And more landed today, with even more passing overhead. They looked bound for London. GONZO ParodyLondon? Only GONZO looks to the picture of CAMILLA. GONZO (CONT'D) My fiancee and her father are in London! FOZZIE I need to get there are once. I’ve got to report to headquarters... if there’s anything left of it. GONZO I’m ready to leave now, if you are.

EXT. ROAD - DAY Gonzo and the Artilleryman trudge along a road, Gonzo with his briefcase in hand. SMOKE and ASH fill the air. FOZZIE You wanna hear a joke? GONZO Is that really appropriate? FOZZIE I process trauma through humour. C’mon, what do you call a bear with no teeth? He opens his toothless mouth and points. FOZZIE (CONT'D) A gummy bear! Gonzo looks to the horizon at a small TOWN, leaving the artilleryman hanging: GONZO Look, we’re close to Weybridge. We can find out if there’s any news. FOZZIE Some people just don’t appreciate comedy. Page 13

EXT. WEYBRIDGE - DAY MUPPETS stare fearfully out of windows as Gonzo and the Artilleryman walk the deserted streets. GONZO ParodyDo you feel that? I t’sOnly like a storm brewing. FOZZIE And they’re planning on using bows and arrows against the lightning. He points to six GUNNERS with CANNONS stationed on a HILL above the town. Gonzo’s eyes widen in excitement at the sight of them. The earth HEAVES as a building EXPLODES. Muppets pour screaming into the streets. FOZZIE (CONT'D) Look! There they are! FOUR FIGHTING MACHINES appear -- small metal chambers on THREE LONG LEGS. They tower over the town like silver spiders. GONZO The canons! Fire the canons! FOZZIE They can’t! They’re not in range yet! A FIFTH machine appears, closer to GONZO and the ARTILLERYMAN. A familiar device protrudes from the chamber. GONZO Oh no... the heat ray! They all have heat rays! The device FLASHES. A swathe of Muppets are gone in a glitter of embers. MARTIANS (singing) Yip-yip! Gonzo looks between the unfired cannons and the fighting machines and RUNS towards the former. GONZO Let me in there! I’m a journalist. Page 14

The gunner manning the closest cannon shrugs. CRAZY HARRY Whatever you say. Gonzo grabs a CANNONBALL and climbs into the cannon. They ParodyEXPLODE in unison. Only Gonzo cackles with glee as he soars through the air towards a fighting machine and FLINGS the cannonball at the heat ray! It strikes! The other cannonballs hit the machine, sending it CRUMBLING to and CLATTERING to the earth as Gonzo lands unharmed in a river. GONZO Take that! The Muppets cheer... but not for long. The other four machines turn on the cannons. The cheering of the crowd turns back to screaming as the gunners are ERASED in an instant. MARTIANS (singing) Yip-yip! FOZZIE Run for your lives! The Artilleryman disappears into the crowd of Muppets as they scatter and run. Gonzo stays in the river, cowering under a BRIDGE as the machines advance. He watches in horror as RUNNING FEET turn to EMBERS. A WHITE BEAM sweeps across the stream, causing it to bubble and steam. GONZO Ahh! He clambers onto the bank and falls helplessly at the FEET of a fighting machine! He stares up at it, terrified... But the fighting machine walks on. Seemingly the lone survivor of the ordeal, Gonzo watches in awe as the four machines leave the destroyed town behind them. Page 15

MARTIANS (singing) Yip-yip! Yip-yip! Yip-yip! ParodyEXT. ROAD TO LONDON - DAY Only Gonzo fights his way up a road packed with refugee Muppets, all walking in the opposite direction to him. They carry BOXES, BUNDLES and BAGS of their possessions. Gonzo is empty- handed. GONZO (V.O.) For three days I fought my way along roads packed with refugees, the homeless, burdened with boxes and bundles containing their valuables. But all that was of value to me now was in London.

EXT. LONDON RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY Music: the melancholy flutes of Forever Autumn stir as Gonzo runs down a CRUMBLING residential street. A red-brick house stands in the center, mostly intact.

INT. HOUSE - DAY Gonzo searches through the house. GONZO Camilla! Camilla! The house is empty. GONZO (V.O.) But by the time I reached their little red brick house, Carrie and her father were gone. Gonzo sags, taking a photo of HIMSELF AND CAMILLA from a shelf. GONZO (singing) The summer sun is fading as the year grows old, and darker days are drawing near. The winter winds will be much colder now you’re not here. Page 16

He walks into a pleasant back garden. A wooden SWING hangs from an apple tree. A GHOSTLY vision of himself appears behind it, pushing his beloved CAMILLA. CAMILLA VISION ParodyBawk! Only Gonzo approaches the vision, but it fades again. He sinks onto the swing, looking up to the sky. GONZO (singing) I watch the birds fly south across the autumn sky, and one by one they disappear. I wish that I was flying with them now you’re not here. The visions of Camilla and Gonzo return across the garden, cuddling close on a PICNIC BLANKET. GONZO (CONT'D) (singing) Like the sun through the trees you came to love me. Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away. The vision FADES. Gonzo gets off the swing with a sigh and goes back into the house.

EXT. LONDON RESIDENTIAL STREET - DAY Gonzo lingers in the doorway as he exits the house, watching a pair of dried LEAVES dancing up the street. The vision of Gonzo and Camilla stroll after them, lost in their own world. GONZO (singing) Through autumns golden gown we used to kick our way. You always loved this time of year. Those fallen leaves lie undisturbed now. The visions fade again. GONZO leaves the house and enters the street, walking slowly and aimlessly. GONZO (CONT'D) (singing) ‘Cause you’re not here. ‘Cause you’re not here. ‘Cause you’re not here. Page 17

A HOUSE at the end of the street EXPLODES in a FIREBALL. A fighting machine rears above it. Gonzo runs.

EXT. COVENT GARDEN - DAY ParodyGonzo is swept into a frighte nedOnly crowd moving swiftly down a street. He’s stuck beside an alarmed PIG. GONZO Where’s everyone going? Where is there left to run? LINK The ocean. There are ships taking people to the continent! GONZO Is it any safer there? LINK It has to be! The pig is swept away. Presented with a glimmer of hope, Gonzo jostles his way in the direction of the crowd.

EXT. LONDON SUBURBS - DAY Gonzo walks with a growing crowd of Muppets. He searches their faces: The RICH walk beside the POOR. WOMEN pull weary CHILDREN behind them. WOUNDED SOLDIERS dot the crowd... But no Camilla. GONZO (V.O.) As I hastened through Covent Garden, Blackfriars and Billingsgate, more and more people joined the painful exodus. Sad, weary women, their children stumbling and streaked with tears, their men bitter and angry, the rich rubbing shoulders with beggars and outcasts. GONZO plods on. GONZO (singing) Like the sun through the trees you came to love me. Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away. (MORE) Page 18 GONZO (CONT'D) A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes as if to hide a lonely tear. My life will be forever Autumn ‘cause you’re not here. ‘Cause you’re not here. ‘Cause Parodyyou’re not here. Only Fighting machines loom in the distance, picking over the remains of CENTRAL LONDON. MARTIANS (singing) Yip-yip!

EXT. LONDON BALCONY - DAY Two elderly men sit on the ornate balcony of a government building, looking down on a street empty but for flames and the remains of DEAD TOM. WALDORF Is it starting feeling unusually empty around here? STADLER Looks like the usual audience size to me! They chuckle as the flames climb higher.

EXT. LONDON SUBURBS - DAY The crowd increases their speed as an explosion goes up in Central London. The sad march quickly becomes a stampede. GONZO (V.O.) Never before in the history of the world had such a mass of human beings moved and suffered together. This was no disciplined march, it was a stampede, without order and without a goal. Six million people, unarmed and unprovisioned, driving headlong. It was the beginning of the rout of civilization, of the massacre of mankind...

EXT. DOCK - DAY An enormous STEAMER towers over the crowded dock. The deck is literally packed with relieved Muppets. Page 19

The gangplank overflows - again, literally - with desperate would-be passengers. Gonzo is buffeted through the crowd. He looks up to the steamer... into the beautiful eyes of CAMILLA! She gasps from Parodythe safety of the steamer. Only CAMILLA Bawk! GONZO (shouting) Camilla! You’re safe! Camilla begins to fight her way through the crowded deck, making for the gangplank. GONZO (CONT'D) (shouting) No! Don’t get off! He makes for the gangplank as well, but the crowd is too dense. He can’t make it. CAMILLA (distressed) Bawk! Bawk! Gonzo watches as she approaches the gangplank... but just before she can get there, it’s lifted away. Gonzo sighs in bittersweet relief. They look into each other’s eyes across the vast, hectic space. GONZO Be safe, my love. CAMILLA (distressed) Bawk! Bawk! Gonzo’s view of her is obscured as he’s swept along by the crowd. Gonzo closes his eyes and stops fighting, letting the crowd take him where it wills. GONZO (singing) Like the sun through the trees you came to love me. Like a leaf on a breeze you blew away. The STEAMER sets out, churning through the ocean away from the shore. Page 20

GONZO (CONT'D) (singing) A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes as if to hide a lonely tear. My life will be forever ParodyAutumn ‘cause you’r e nOnlyot here... Music: Forever Autumn transitions into a frantic revise of The Eve of the War. There’s a scream from the crowd as a fighting machine appears on the horizon, long legs carrying it towards the sea. Gonzo escapes the crowd and climbs onto the roof of the PORT AUTHORITY. GONZO (CONT'D) No... Two more fighting machines appear, following the first. They step easily from the land and into the ocean, heading for the steamer. A NAVAL SHIP cuts through the ocean, positioning itself between the martians and the steamer. “THUNDER CHILD” is written on the side in vast letters. GONZO (CONT'D) Thunder child! (gathering enthusiasm) Come on, Thunder Child! The chant ripples through the enormous crowd. LEW ZEALAND Yeah! Come on, Thunder Child! MILDRED Crush them, Thunder Child! Thun-der Child! Thun-der Child! Wild, rapturous cheering erupts as the crowd pins their last hope on this one, brave ship. Music: The Eve of the War segues swiftly into Thunder Child. DR. TEETH climbs up beside GONZO. DR. TEETH (singing) There were ships of shapes and sizes scattered out along the bay. Page 21

FLOYD PEPPER raises his voice and bass from the crowd. DR. TEETH & FLOYD (singing) And I thought I heard her calling Parodyas the steamer pull ed Onlyaway. DR. TEETH (singing) The invaders must have seen them as across the coast they filed. Standing firm between them... JANICE, ZOOT, ANIMAL and ROWLF dot the crowd, instruments in hand, joining the backup vocals. THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM (singing) Ooooh ahhhh! DR. TEETH (singing) There lay Thunder Child! Thunder Child cuts through the water, cannons blazing. Several cannonballs STRIKE the legs of a fighting machine, sending it crashing into the waves. DR. TEETH & FLOYD (singing) Moving swiftly through the waters, cannons blazing as she came. Brought a mighty metal warlord crashing down in sheets of flame! DR. TEETH (singing) Sensing victory was nearing... DR. TEETH & FLOYD (singing) Thinking fortune must have smiled... THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM (singing) Ooooh ahhhh! DR. TEETH & FLOYD (singing) People started cheering... Page 22

DR. TEETH, GONZO & CROWD (singing) COME ON THUNDER CHILD! DR. TEETH (singing) ParodyCome on Thunder Chi ld!Only Gonzo watches, exhilarated, as the martians fire on Thunder Child... and miss! GONZO Yeah! Thunder Child fires again, hitting another machine without felling it. Gonzo and the crowd’s joy turns to dismay as, in one coordinated movement, the fighting machines surround Thunder Child and fire again. Embers glitter above the deck as the ship buckles and melts. GONZO (CONT'D) (devastated) No... DR. TEETH & FLOYD (singing) Lashing ropes and smashing timbers, flashing heat rays pierced the deck. Dashing hopes or our deliverance as we watched the sinking wreck. With the smoke of battle clearing over graves in waves defiled... THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM (singing) Ooooh ahhhh! DR. TEETH (singing) Slowly disappearing... Farewell Thunder Child! The band plays HARD as the crowd stares in horror at the sinking, smoking ship. Gonzo looks away from it, staring to the horizon as Dr. Teeth cuts absolutely loose beside him. There, small but intact, Camilla’s steamer escapes. Page 23

Gonzo takes a moment to allow himself the relief of knowing that Camilla is safe, the pain of knowing he’ll never see her again. The fighting machines turn their attention to the crowd. Gonzo makes a break for it over the Port Authority and down Parodythe other side. The rest of t he Onlycrowd tries to run, but there are too many of them. The heat wave cuts through an impossible amount of Muppets. The Electric Mayhem play on through the chaos, jamming as the world burns around them. Gonzo takes one last look back at the horrible scene, then runs. And runs And runs. MARTIANS (singing) Yip-yip! Yip-yip! Yip-yip!

EXT. OUTER SUBURBAN STREET - DAWN Music: The eerie drone of Martian machinery and discordant piano. Gonzo crawls out from a MAKESHIFT SHELTER, his eyes widening at the now VIVIDLY RED LANSCRAPE. Every house, every tree is being strangled by RED WEED. Even the sky is red. GONZO (V.O.) The next day dawned a brilliant, fiery red, and I wandered though the weird and lurid landscape of another planet.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY Gonzo leaves the city behind him. The hills, roads and trees before him are all violently red. There isn’t another Muppet in sight. GONZO (V.O.) The vegetation which gives Mars its red appearance had taken root on Earth. As Man had succumbed to the Martians, so our land now succumbed to the Red Weed... Music: The melancholy flute of The Red Weed. Page 24

Gonzo walks aimlessly through the new world. He passes empty red towns; dried, choked rivers. Everything has been taken over by the Martians. ParodyEXT. RED PARISH - DAY Only At last, he sees movement through the window of the only house left standing in a sea of rubble. He takes cover, only for a familiar rat to emerge from the front door with a PACKET OF POTATO CHIPS in his hand. He looks remarkably unaffected by the ordeal. Gonzo runs to him, thrilled to see another living creature. GONZO You’re alive! RIZZO I’m a rat. We thrive in times of human turmoil. Gonzo looks past him. The house is teeming with rats, who seem to have set up a thriving little community complete with shops and day-spas. GONZO I can see that. A SCORCHED FROG in a PARSON’S ROBE staggers up the street and collapses. Gonzo and Rizzo run to his side. GONZO (CONT'D) Sir? Are you all right? RIZZO C’mon, your Frogliness, speak to us. The frog opens his eyes. GONZO He’s alive! The frog groans. A MODESTLY DRESSED, SLIGHTLY DISHEVELLED PIG IN PEARLS runs up the street. PIGGY Kermie! Kermie, I saw the church burst into flame! Are you all right? GONZO Do you know this man? Page 25

RIZZO Frog. PIGGY He’s the pastor of our church. Oh, Kermie, Kermie, please say Parodysomething. Only KERMIT Don’t touch me! PIGGY But it’s me! Your wife! Rizzo nudges Gonzo. RIZZO (low) Sheesh, she really can’t get him to commit. Gonzo almost breaks character. Piggy gives them both a filthy look. Kermit has fully committed. Music: The urgent bars of Spirit Of Man kick in. KERMIT No, you’re one of them! A devil! GONZO Did he hit his head? PIGGY Kermie, you’re delirious! Kermit struggles to sit up. KERMIT Lies! I saw the devil’s sign! RIZZO I don’t like the sound of that. PIGGY What are you saying? KERMIT The green flash in the sky. His demons were here all along, in our hearts and souls, just waiting for a sign from Him! And now they're destroying our world! Page 26

PIGGY But they’re not devils, they’re Martians. The sound of heavy metal feet approaches. Gonzo and Rizzo Parodylook up, worried. Only RIZZO We gotta get out of here. GONZO But there’s nowhere to go, except... RIZZO What, you need a printed invitation to rat town? C’mon! Gonzo hoists Kermit over his shoulder as he and Piggy follow Rizzo back to the house full of rats.

INT. RAT TOWN - DAY Piggy closes and bars the door as they rush inside. RIZZO Fighting machine incoming! Evacuation stations! FEMALE RAT You heard him! The rats switch from jovial to prepared in an instant, abandoning their newly built little shops and homes and flocking to a bunch of exit holes like, well, rats. Gonzo sets Kermit on the floor and returns to the window. Piggy stays at Kermits side as three sets of metal legs walk slowly up the street outside. GONZO I don’t think it saw us... MARTIANS (O.S.) (singing) Yip-yip! PIGGY Dear God, help us! KERMIT (shouting) The voice of the devil! Page 27

Kermit pushes her away and sits like a frog possessed. KERMIT (CONT'D) (singing) Listen, do you hear them drawing Parodynear in their searc h fOnlyor sinners? Gonzo and Rizzo exchange a look. GONZO Uh, I’m not sure now’s the time... KERMIT (singing) Feeding on the power of our fear and the evil within us? FEMALE RAT We got a live one, be ready to run on my order! KERMIT (singing) Incarnation of Satan’s creation of all that we dread. When demons arrive those alive would be better off dead! Piggy takes hold of him. PIGGY (singing) There must be something worth living for. There must be something worth trying for. Even some things worth dying for! And if one man can stand tall, there must be hope for us all... somewhere, somewhere in the spirit of man. Kermit pushes her aside and joins Gonzo at the window. The fighting machine is still patrolling. KERMIT (singing) Once, there was a time when I believed without hesitation that the power of love and truth could conquer all in the name of salvation. Tell me what kind of weapon is love when it comes to the fight? And just how much protection is truth against all Satan’s might? Page 28

RIZZO Buddy, we’re trying to hide from certain death here. Piggy tries to pull Kermit back down to the ground. ParodyPIGGY Only People loved you. They trusted you. They came to you for help. GONZO I wonder if you two might talk this out later... KERMIT (fevered) Didn’t I warn them this would happen? ‘Be on your guard,’ I said, ‘for the evil one never rests.’ But no, they wouldn’t listen, and the demons inside them grew and grew, until Satan gave his signal and destroyed the world we knew! Rizzo hefts a heavy table leg and holds it over Kermit’s head, looking questioningly to Gonzo. Gonzo shrugs, unsure. PIGGY (singing) No, Kermie. Oh, no, Kermie. She stands, taking Kermit’s hand. PIGGY (CONT'D) (singing) No, Kermie, no, there must be more to life. There has to be a way that we can restore to life the love we used to know. PIGGY & FEMALE RATS (singing) No, Kermie, no... Rizzo looks around as a trio of female rats break away from their evacuation places and accompany Piggy. RIZZO No, no, don’t encourage this. PIGGY (singing) There must be more to life. (MORE) Page 29 PIGGY (CONT'D) There has to be a way that we can restore to life the light that we have lost. GONZO ParodyThe machine’s comin g bOnlyack! FEMALE RAT Go! Go! Go! The rats disappear out of the holes, leaving Gonzo, Kermit, Piggy and Rizzo alone in the house. PIGGY What about us? Rizzo hesitates. RIZZO There’s a basement. Here, follow me!

INT. BASEMENT/MUPPET SOUNDSTAGE - DAY/NIGHT They follow Rizzo into a dark, dingy basement. RIZZO We should be safe here. GONZO We? Aren’t you going with the other rats? RIZZO You seem like you could use level head around here. Gonzo smiles at him, but the moment is ruined by a staggering Kermit. KERMIT (singing) Now darkness has descended on our land and all your prayers cannot save us. RIZZO It’s a basement, sir. A basement. Page 30

KERMIT (singing) Like fools we’ve let the devil take command of the souls that God gave us! ParodyGonzo sighs and grabs a beam. Only GONZO (to Rizzo) Here, help me bar the door. RIZZO Good idea. KERMIT (singing) To the altar of evil like lambs to the slaughter were led. When the demons arrive the survivors will envy the dead! Piggy’s attention is entirely on Kermit. She’s gunning for her Oscar -- best supporting, but it’s a start. PIGGY (singing) There must be something worth living for... KERMIT (singing) No, there is nothing! PIGGY (singing) There must be something worth fighting for... KERMIT (singing) I don’t believe it’s so! PIGGY (singing) Even some things worth dying for-- The basement SHAKES as something impacts overhead! Rubble dislodges from the roof, falling into the room! RIZZO What the heck was that?! Page 31

GONZO Something landed above us! A new cylinder, maybe. KERMIT And we’re trapped beneath it, in Parodythe pit! Piggy, Pig gy Onlyare you-- They all look. Piggy is pinned beneath the rubble. Her eyes flutter. Kermit seems to come to his senses for a moment. KERMIT (CONT'D) Piggy? He kneels at her side, brushing her hair from her eyes. PIGGY (singing, strained) If just one man could stand tall there would be some hope for us all... somewhere... somewhere in the spirit of man. She slumps dramatically. Nailed it. Rizzo and Gonzo stare in horror. RIZZO Did she just die?! Kermit lets go of her and looks to the ceiling. There’s a hole there, showing a glimpse of the martians above. KERMIT (shouting) Why? Satan! Why did you take one of your own? Gonzo clamps a hand over his mouth and drags him away from the hole. GONZO I’m so sorry for your loss. (to Rizzo) Is there another way out of here? RIZZO Not for you. Kermit’s muffled cried come from behind Gonzo’s hand, but he’s too weak to fight him off. GONZO Then we wait for them to leave. Page 32

RIZZO Okay. But if this movie gets any darker, I’m out. GONZO You didn’t read the script again, Parodydid you? Only RIZZO Why? What does that mean? GONZO Never mind. The light in the basement fades to night. Kermit, Gonzo and Rizzo sit against the wall, anxiously watching the hole. Kermit is still restrained, still muttering. HAMMERING sounds can be heard. GONZO (V.O.) The Martians spent the night making a new machine: a squat, metallic spider with huge, articulated claws with a hood in which a Martian sat. The light fades to day. Rizzo creeps inside with a few bags of CHIPS and passes them out. Kermit, now unrestrained, accepts his quietly. GONZO Did you see the machine? RIZZO Yeah, I saw it chase some folks across a field. It caught them and put them in a basket on its back. GONZO What happened to them after that? Rizzo eats a chip. RIZZO I don’t wanna know. Days pass. The pile of chip packets grow. GONZO (O.S.) On the ninth day, we saw what the martians used their captives for. Kermit, Gonzo and Rizzo stare up through the hole, horrified at what’s happening above. Page 33

RIZZO What the heck am I looking at? We can’t show this to kids! GONZO We’re not. Our reaction conveys the Parodyhorror of what’s ha ppeOnlyning without being explicit. RIZZO But now the kids are imagining what’s happening, which might be even worse. Kermit finally breaks character. KERMIT Actually, the latest numbers show that most of our fans are in their forties now. GONZO And this is a straight-to-streaming adaptation of a radio musical from the 70’s. There’s probably only twelve people watching. It’s why Kermit let me star! Piggy scrunches her nose in frustration as she lays in the rubble. PIGGY (muttering) I will not break character... I will not break character... RIZZO Shouldn’t we be making something that attracts a new generation of fans instead of pandering to a tiny subset of our loyal but unprofitable fanbase? GONZO Sure. But this is more fun. Piggy sits up, annoyed. PIGGY Do you trois mind? Some of us are trying to get the most out of our death scenes! Page 34

RIZZO Our death scenes? How many more are there? GONZO ...You didn’t even read the scenes Parodyyou were in? Only RIZZO I’m an improv guy. KERMIT Sorry, Piggy. PIGGY Where’s the director? Why isn’t anyone calling cut on this train- wreck? Gonzo, Kermit and Rizzo look to each other. KERMIT Uh... The camera whips around to a MOSTLY EMPTY SOUNDSTAGE. SWEETUMS holds a BOOM MIC. adjusts a laptop showing an EMPTY ROOM. ACADEMY AWARDS line the shelves. SCOOTER Mr. Spielberg? Are you still there? (to the CAST) He seems to have wandered off again. PIGGY You mean I’m giving all of this to a director who’s literally phoning it in? GONZO Technically he’s zooming it in. KERMIT He said he’d only agree if we let him work remotely! PIGGY That’s it. Piggy throws the rubble aside as if it’s nothing and gets up, marching off the set. PIGGY (CONT'D) Annie Sue, you’re up. Page 35

ANNIE SUE emerges in an exact replica of Piggy’s costume, complete with pearls. ANNIE SUE Oh boy! I can’t believe I’m finally gonna get featured screentime in a Parodymovie! Only She lays down in Piggy’s spot and struggles to pull the rubble back on top of her. We don’t see her again. STEVEN SPIELBERG returns to the laptop screen, yawning. STEVEN SPIELBERG We still rolling? KERMIT We could probably do with a cut and a reset, Steven. He leans back, clearly preparing to take a nap. STEVEN SPIELBERG Whatever you want, Kermit. Kermit looks to his scene mates. KERMIT Shall we, gentlemen? CUT TO: The scene is reset. Gonzo, Kermit and Rizzo stare up at the hole in the roof in horror. KERMIT (CONT'D) (shouting) It’s a sign! I’ve been given a sign! RIZZO Keep your voice down! KERMIT The devils must be cast out, and I have been chosen to do it! I must confront them now! GONZO No, Parson! Page 36

Kermit pulls a crucifix from within his robes and holds it aloft. KERMIT (shouting) Those machines are just demons in Parodyanother form! I sha ll Onlydestroy them with my prayers! I shall burn them with my Holy Cross! I shall -- The EYE of one of the NEW MACHINES presses against the hole. Two Martians are inside, straining to see. GONZO Get back! Gonzo grabs Kermit and drags him towards the wall as the machine disappears and a METAL CLAW creeps in through the hole! Rizzo leaps on Gonzo’s shoulder, the two of them huddling close as Kermit fights for freedom. KERMIT Let me go! Let me face them! GONZO You’ll solve nothing by sacrificing yourself! KERMIT I’ll save everyone! With a burst of energy, he frees himself from Gonzo’s arms... and stumbles right into the grasp of the metal claw! Rizzo retreats to a grate in the wall. RIZZO This is way too much for me. Sorry, Journalist, you’re on your own! He scampers away, leaving GONZO cowering against the wall, staring at a captured Kermit. Kermit brandishes his crucifix at the metal arm. KERMIT (screeching) BEGONE, DEVILS! The claw tightens. Kermit gasps... and is pulled through the hole in the ceiling. Gonzo covers his eyes and curls into a ball. Page 37

Music: The Red Weed Part 2. A melancholy electric guitar warbles as day turns to night, night turns to day. Gonzo stays in his ball. Finally, Gonzo looks up and creeps cautiously back to the Parodyhole in the ceiling. Only EXT. RED PARISH - DAY Gonzo’s head emerges from the rubble of the house. The Martians are gone. He’s alone again. He climbs out and stands in the ruined town. He shields his eyes against the vivid contrast of red earth and blue sky. GONZO (V.O.) The day seemed dazzling bright after my imprisonment. But, oh! The sweetness of the air.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY/NIGHT Music: The ominous, melancholic instrumental ebbs to the alien trilling of The Artilleryman Returns as Gonzo continues his aimless journey through the ruined world. GONZO (V.O.) Once again, I was on my way to London, through towns and villages that were blackened ruins, totally silent. He picks through blackened rubble that must once have been a town. He unearths a picture plate of a happy couple: WAYNE AND WANDA. He sighs and puts it aside. GONZO (V.O.) Man’s empire had passed away, taken swiftly and without error, by these creatures. They never tired, never slept, and never suffered. Fighting machines and the new, scuttling HUNTING MACHINES traverse the landscape, visible in the distance. Gonzo watches them, wary, but they don’t come close enough for him to run. He pulls a can of beans from the rubble and continues on. Page 38

EXT. OUTER LONDON - DAY London appears in the distance. Gonzo plods towards it. The Artilleryman sticks his head out of a doorway, covered in Parodydirt and gripping a shovel as a Onlyweapon. FOZZIE Halt! Who goes there? Gonzo puts his hands up in surrender. GONZO Um... a friend? FOZZIE Be on your way! This is my territory. GONZO Your territory? What do you mean? Fozzie lowers his shovel. FOZZIE Wait a second, I know you! You’re the journalist! GONZO Good heavens. You’re the artilleryman with the jokes! FOZZIE Thank you for saying that. GONZO I thought you’d surely burned! FOZZIE I thought you’d surely drowned. He signals Gonzo to follow him inside.

INT. ARTILLERYMAN’S HOUSE - DAY The artilleryman’s house is a mess of empty cans and food packets. GONZO Have you seen any Martians? The Artilleryman is oddly cheerful. Page 39

FOZZIE Oh, everywhere. We’re done for, all right. GONZO ParodyWe can’t just give up.Only FOZZIE ‘Course we can’t! It’s not the bear -- uh, human way. It’s now we’ve got to start fighting. Not against them, ‘cause we can’t win, but for survival. I’ve got a plan... Gonzo looks skeptically around the messy house. GONZO What does this plan involve? Music: The dramatic opening strains of Brave New World come out of nowhere, making Gonzo flinch. FOZZIE Look, they clap eyes on us, and we’re dead, right? GONZO Right... FOZZIE So we gotta make a new life where they’ll never fund us. You know where? He waits for Gonzo to guess. GONZO Is this the set up for another joke? The Artilleryman is done with jokes. FOZZIE Underground! You should see it down there. Hundreds of miles of drains, pretty clean now that nobody’s using the plumbing. Gonzo’s struck by the idea. It’s not actually a bad one... GONZO You think we should move into the sewers? Page 40

FOZZIE Think about it! It’s dark, quiet, safe. We can build houses and everything down there. Start again from scratch! And what’s so bad about living underground? It’s not Parodybeen so great livin g uOnlyp here, has it? Gonzo’s hopes begin to climb. GONZO How will it work? You’ll need men to help you build it, people to populate it. The artilleryman doesn’t hear him. He walks to the window and looks outside at the red city. FOZZIE (singing sadly) Take a look around you at the world we’ve come to know. Does it seem to be much more than a crazy circus show? But maybe from the madness something beautiful will grow... In a brave new world. He looks to Gonzo, gathering steam. FOZZIE (CONT'D) (singing) With just a handful of men we’ll start... we’ll start all over again! Floyd wanders in, playing a slick guitar riff. His jacket and guitar are singed. GONZO Okay, so you, me and this guy? That’s a start! FOZZIE (singing) All over again! All over again! All over again! He’s sounding a little unhinged, but Gonzo keeps it real. GONZO I’m with you. What steps can we take to achieve this? Page 41

The artilleryman leaps onto a table, taken by his vision. FOZZIE We’ll build shops and hospitals and barracks right under their noses... right under their feet! Everything Parodywe need - banks, co medOnlyy lounges, schools. Maybe one day we’ll even capture a fighting machine... learn how to make them ourselves and then... WALLOP! Our turn to do some wiping out! WHOOSH with our heat ray! WHOOSH! Okay, so he’s a lot unhinged. Gonzo’s hopes begin to fizzle out as quickly as they came. GONZO These are just nice ideas. Do you have a plan at all? FOZZIE I’ve made a start already! Come down here and have a look! Gonzo and Floyd follow the Artilleryman down a ladder...

INT. CELLAR - DAY Into a wine cellar. A hole is dug into the side, barely three few feet deep. Floyd keeps playing guitar as Gonzo peers into it. GONZO What is this? FOZZIE If my memory is correct, there’s a sewer about fifty feet that way. It’ll be settlement number one. GONZO How long did this take you to dig? FOZZIE A week. GONZO So you’ll reach the sewer in four months? FOZZIE Two, with you to help me! Page 42

Gonzo looks to Floyd. FLOYD I’m a thinker, not a worker. GONZO ParodyRight. Only FOZZIE I’m ready for a rest. Who’s up for cards? FLOYD Deal me in, man. Gonzo watches in confusion as the Artilleryman pulls out a deck of cards and starts dealing out a game of Go Fish. FOZZIE (singing) Take a look around you at the world we’ve come to know. Does it seem to be much more than a crazy circus show? Gonzo backs away and scurries up the ladder.

INT. ARTILLERYMAN'S HOUSE - DAY The artilleryman’s voice follows Gonzo as he runs through the house. FOZZIE (V.O.) (singing) Maybe from the madness something beautiful will grow...

EXT. CENTRAL LONDON - DAY Music: The mournful Dead London plays as Gonzo staggers through devastated London. Iconic buildings are blackened and throttled with red weed. Gonzo trips and falls. MARTIANS (O.S.) (singing) Yip-yip! Gonzo looks up. He can’t see a fighting machine. Page 43

GONZO (V.O.) That sound. It seemed as if that mighty desert that had once been a city had found a voice for its fear and solitude... ParodyMARTIANS (OOnly.S.) (singing) Yip-yip! Gonzo struggles to his feet and continues on, following the sound through broken streets... GONZO (V.O.) The desolating cry worked upon my mind. The wailing took possession of me. I was intensely weary, footsore, hungry and thirsty. Why was I wandering alone in this city of the dead? Why was I alive, when all of London was in this state of black shroud? I felt intolerably lonely, drifting from empty street to empty street, drawn inexorably towards that cry... MARTIANS (O.S.) (singing) Yip-yip! He continues his exodus through the abandoned city until a fighting machine comes into sight. It towers over the buildings, unmoving. MARTIANS (CONT'D) (singing) Yip-yip! Gonzo makes for it. Another fighting machine stands nearby, still and silent. Gonzo pays it no mind. He turns into a street. The fighting machine stands at the end of it, legs straddling the lane. Gonzo half-staggers, half runs towards it and stands in full view of the Martians in the cock pit! MARTIANS (CONT'D) (singing) Yip-yip! He raises his arms. Page 44

GONZO What are you waiting for? Finish me, like you finished all the others! MARTIANS Parody(singing) Only Yip-Y-- Gonzo’s eyes widen as the sound is cut off. He looks to the cockpit. The Martians are unmoving. He looks around. There’s another fighting machine in the distance. A swarm of RAVENS surround it, pecking at something through the BROKEN GLASS. GONZO (awed) It couldn’t be... He runs.

EXT. HILL - DAY Gonzo scampers wearily up a hill and looks down to a MARTIAN CAMP. It’s a GRAVEYARD of overturned machines and limp Martians. Gonzo laughs: a crazed laugh of disbelief. Music: A triumphant reprise of The Eve of the War swells as Gonzo cackles. GONZO (V.O.) After all man’s devices had failed, the Martians had been felled by the humblest things upon the Earth: bacteria. Minute, invisible bacteria! Gonzo falls to his knees, still laughing. GONZO (V.O.) As soon as the invaders arrived and drank and fed, our microscopic allies attacked them. From that moment... they were doomed! Behind Gonzo, a window opens and Zoot reappears with his pan- flute. Rats peep up from nooks and crannies. Gonzo turns and walks back through London. Page 45

EXT. HORSELL TOWN - DAY Gonzo arrives back in his home town, now dripping with red weed and scattered with the remains of fighting machines. ParodyBut not deserted. Only GONZO (V.O.) The torment was ended. The people scattered over the country, desperate, leaderless, starved... the thousands who had fled by sea - including the one most dear to me - all would return. Beaker, the newspaper bunny and a cohort of other Muppets work hard, pulling the red weed off the buildings, reclaiming the town. Gonzo rushes to join them. GONZO (V.O.) The pulse of life, growing stronger and stronger, would beat again. The town changes. The red fades, replaced with green grass. The buildings are patched, rebuilt. Rizzo walks through the town, eating an apple, nodding approvingly at the change.

INT. OFFICE - DUSK Gonzo sits in his office, staring out the window to where the first cylinder fell. Marks criss-cross the walls where the red weed grew. Camilla the chicken enters with a cup of coffee. She sets it on the table and gives him a fond nudge. He embraces her, then turns back to his typewriter and behind to write: GONZO (V.O.) As life returns to normal, the question of another attack from Mars causes universal concern. Is our planet safe, or is this time of peace merely a reprive? It may be that, across the immensity of space, they have learned their lessons and even now await the opportunity. Perhaps the future belongs not to us... but to the Martians. Page 46

Camilla clucks at him. Gonzo leaves his typewriter and takes her wing, following her out of the office. We let them go, staying with the window as the sun sets and the stars prick into being. A RED STAR glows brightly. ParodyWatching. Only Waiting. ROLL CREDITS

The Electric Mayhem assemble on the hill to take us out.