Parody Only DISNEY'S THE MUPPET'S JEFF WAYNE'S WAR OF THE WORLDS Written by Ceinwen Langley With words straight up lifted from Jeff Wayne DISCLAIMER: The writer does not own any of the licensed characters featured in this script, and would very much like not to be sued. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT Stars glint at us from a magnificent expanse of space. A large RED STAR pulses, beautiful and ominous. GONZO (V.O.) ParodyNo one would have b eliOnlyeved in the last years of the nineteenth century that human affairs were being watched by intelligences that inhabited the timeless worlds of space. We pan across the universe to another STAR. It twinkles merrily, tinged a hopeful blue. GONZO (V.O.) No one could have dreamed we were being scrutinized as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of life on other planets. And yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this Earth with envious eyes. And slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us. Music: The Eve of the War begins with a bang, iconic strings hitting us like a punch to the gut. The stars glitter in time with the beat. TITLE CARD: DISNEY’S THE MUPPETS’ JEFF WAYNE’S WAR OF THE WORLDS We race across the gulf of space towards the BLUE STAR as the opening credits roll. The BLUE STAR loses its glow, revealing itself to be the most precious jewel in the galaxy: EARTH. As the music dies down, the blue ball of EARTH glows red with fire. We pull back to reveal... INT. OFFICE - NIGHT The reflection of LAMPLIGHT in the beady eyes of GONZO THE GREAT. Text on screen: 12th August, 1897 Page 2 The office is neat, orderly and lined with bookshelves. Framed newspaper pages hang on the walls and sit on the shelves, all featuring the same byline: Gonzo The Journalist. Gonzo looks back to his typewriter, fuzzy blue fingers stabbing at the keys like a man possessed. A tinplate Parodyphotograph of CAMILLA THE CHI CKEOnlyN watches lovingly from the desk. Something green GLITTERS in the night sky outside the open window. Gonzo looks up, surprised. GONZO What in the world... He abandons his typing and moves to the windowsill, staring at a RED STAR visible to the naked eye. It crackles and gives off a GREEN SPARK. And another. And another, until green sparks fill the sky. Watching them in awe, Gonzo moves back to his desk. Without taking his eyes off the phenomenon happening outside, he rips the page he was working on from the typewriter, inserts a fresh one, and begins to write anew. FADE TO: INT. OBSERVATORY - DAY GONZO follows astronomer OGILVY BUNSEN through an observatory. He has a NOTEBOOK and PENCIL in hand. GONZO And you say these ‘gas eruptions’ are coming from Mars? They come to a stop beside an enormous telescope. BUNSEN’S assistant, BEAKER, peers through it. BUNSEN Just so! Hurtling across two- hundred-million miles of void in our very direction. GONZO Should we be alarmed? BUNSEN Not at all. The gas will burn itself out before it ever arrives. Bunsen pushes Beaker out of the way and invites Gonzo to take a look. Page 3 He peers through the lens to see a multitude of beautiful GREEN PLUMES trailing through space. He pulls away, unsettled. GONZO ParodyAnd what if it’s no t gOnlyas? BUNSEN I beg your pardon? BEAKER Mee-mee meep? GONZO What if those green plumes are something else? Something sent from Mars? BUNSEN Sent? Bunsen and Beaker share a startled look, then laugh at the thought. BUNSEN (CONT'D) My dear fellow, there is nothing living on that remote, forbidding planet. GONZO That seems like a debatable fact right now, Dr. Bunsen. My readers are frightened. BUNSEN Tell your readers this, Mr. Journalist. The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one. BEAKER Meep mee-mee mee meep! GONZO I can quote you on that? BUNSEN I’d stake my career on it. A million to one. Page 4 EXT. OBERVATORY - DAY Music: The Eve of the War swells again as Gonzo exits the observatory onto a beautiful green hillside. He looks up at the green plumes, visible even in the daylight. He’s worried, Parodyeven if Bunsen isn’t. Only Unnoticed by Gonzo as he walks back towards town, DR. TEETH and the ELECTRIC MAYHEM jam in the valley: the source of the music we’re hearing. Zoot plays a pan flute instead of his usual sax. DR. TEETH (singing) The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one he said. The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one. But still they come. EXT. OFFICE - NIGHT Gonzo sits down to his desk with a glass of brandy. He picks up the photograph of Camilla, looking at her wistfully when- CRASH! Gonzo’s brandy spills on the photograph as the earth judders and shakes! Gonzo races to the window. The green plumes are so close now that we can almost see what’s creating them. And mere miles from Gonzo’s window... a thick plume of GREEN SMOKE rises from the ground. GONZO (frightened) A million to one... NIGHT fades to DAY, and still the GREEN SMOKE billows. EXT. HORSELL COMMON - DAY A beautiful park is marred by a wide CRATER. A CROWD of least fifty frightened and intrigued MUPPETS encircle the crater, stopping a safe distance away. Beaker and Bunsen cautiously approach as the smoke begins to clear. Gonzo follows close behind with his notebook at the ready. Page 5 GONZO This doesn’t look like mere gas, Dr. Bunsen. BUNSEN I believe it may prove to be a Parodysimple meteorite, M r. OnlyJournalist. GONZO Would you stake your career on that, too? Bunsen’s non-existent eyebrows furrow at GONZO. BEAKER (distressed) Mee-mee! Beaker points into the crater. An enormous silver CYLINDER lies inside. There’s a horrible SCRAPING sound as the top slowly rotates. Gonzo and Bunsen’s disagreement is forgotten. GONZO There must be someone inside! BUNSEN We have to help him! They rush forward, but are pushed back by an invisible wall of HEAT. BEAKER (in pain) Meep! BUNSEN It’s too hot! They retreat, staring down at the moving cylinder. GONZO (worried) What could possibly survive that amount of heat? BUNSEN (stunned) I... I don’t know. The Electric Mayhem play from amongst the crowd. Page 6 DR. TEETH (singing) The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one he said. The chances of anything coming from Mars. Are a million to one. But Parodystill they come. Ye s, Onlythe chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one. But still, they come. INT. OFFICE - NIGHT GONZO hangs up his hat, sits in front of his typewriter and begins to write. GONZO (V.O.) It seems totally incredible to me now that everyone spent that evening as though it were just like any other. A TRAIN whistles gently in the distance. Gonzo looks to the window. The GREEN SMOKE still billows, though its tendrils have grown softer. GONZO (V.O.) From the railway station came the sound of shunting trains, ringing and rumbling, softened almost into melody by the distance. It all seemed so safe and tranquil. Gonzo returns to his typing. EXT. HORSELL COMMON - DAY A new day. Gonzo makes his way through a crowd of over a HUNDRED hypnotized Muppets. The loud SCRAPING sound continues. Gonzo steps on an annoyed RAT. RIZZO Watch it, pal. GONZO Sorry. Has anything new happened since yesterday? Page 7 RIZZO There’s about two feet worth a screw showin’ from the lid of that thing, but nothing else. ParodyGONZO gives the rat a discern ingOnly look. GONZO (pointed) You have a peculiar dialect for the 1890’s, sir. RIZZO Yeah? Well, you have a peculiar nose for a journalist, but do you hear me giving you notes? A SCREAM rends the air. RIZZO (CONT'D) I do believe that’s your cue. Gonzo rushes to the front of the crowd. The lid of the cylinder is askew, and a curly PINK ANTENNA emerges, followed by SPHERICAL EYES and a terrible, GAPING MAW. Bunsen, Beaker and several other members of the crowd take several steps toward it. BUNSEN (awed) A Martian! Rizzo appears at Gonzo’s side as he stares, too stunned even to write in his notebook. RIZZO (low) Uh, do we have the rights to these guys? GONZO (low) We’re not mentioning it. RIZZO Gotcha. A tall DEVICE rises from inside the CYLINDER. BEAKER Meep meep! Page 8 Bunsen looks to the device as the MARTIAN begins to quiver and shriek. MARTIAN Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip... ParodyBUNSEN Only It’s trying to communicate! (to the Martian) Welcome to Earth, my friend... The device shoots jet of fire. BUNSEN is gone in an instant, leaving behind only burning embers of his clothes. Gonzo and the CROWD take this in for one horrifying moment. BEAKER (terrified) MEEP! The spell is broken. The CROWD flees in every direction. Gonzo joins the screaming stampede, looking over his shoulder as he runs. The device fires again and again. The air fills with smoke and embers as MUPPETS and TREES disappear in flashes of light. Rizzo passes Gonzo, shrieking as he flees. RIZZO When did we start making horror movies? Rizzo disappears into the crowd. EXT. HORSELL TOWN - DAY Gonzo slows and looks back he reaches town.