No. 115 Dec. A '67 n$$i

m We don't try very hard! FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD! IT'S ANOTHER MAD PAPERBACK BOOK!

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.— —-.

"Good manners are what one man shows to another man's wife!" —Alfred E. Neuman

WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN, editor

JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, associate editors JACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, JOAN ZECCA, CURTIS ANDERSON subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots

DEPARTMENTS

BEHIND THE ODD-BALL DEPARTMENT More "MAD's Believe It Or Nuts'! 48 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Young Marrieds 36 CAR SICK DEPARTMENT "Grim Pix"-A MAD Movie Satire 42 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT In A Supermarket 13 FLOWERY LANGUAGE DEPARTMENT A Portfolio Of MAD Blooming Idiocyncracies 28 GLOSSARY PRINTS DEPARTMENT MAD's Pictorial Political Dictionary 40 LABOR OF LOVE DEPARTMENT The Evolution Of Dating 19 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT "Drawn-Out Dramas" by Aragones ** PHRASING A COIN DEPARTMENT MAD Mintlies 18 PINS AND NEEDLES DEPARTMENT Protest Buttons Through History 26 POLL-BEARERS DEPARTMENT TV Coverage Of An Off-Year Election 15 RAPPING THE GIFTED DEPARTMENT "Prodigy Magazine" 31 "2" AGAINST "1" DEPARTMENT When The Hertz-Avis Rivalry Gets Out Of Hand 9 WASTE OF SPACE DEPARTMENT "Star Blecch"-A MAD TV Satire 4 ""Various Places Around The Magazine

MAD —Dec. 1967 Vol. 1, Number 11 5, is published monthly except February, May, August and November, by E. C. Publications, Inc., 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 19 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A., 19 issues $6.25. Allow 10 weeks tor change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright 6 1967 by E. C. Publica­ tions, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living LETTERS DEPT. AMERICA, THE BEAUTIFUL-REVISITED (Here We Go Again!) I think your "America, the Beautiful- One of the most poignant photo-essays Revisited" was your best article ever. You I have ever seen. "A Hymn To Disgrace" have said things about water pollution, was an accurate classification of this ar­ slums, etc. before, but never as effective ticle, for it presented realistically some of as this. the incongruities of America, and some Andrew Bergstein of the atrocities Americans commit Mecersberg, Pa. against themselves and their fellow citi­ zens. At a time when apathy increases with each injustice, it is important that THROW-UP "America, the Beautiful — Revisited" Americans be shaken from their lethargy by articles such as this. Bravo! Your satire, "Throw-Up" was was one of the best satires ever published great, to say nothing of being true. As in MAD. Never have I laughed so hard. Joel M. Lee one of the unfortunates who wasted a I think it's wonderful that we can face San Antonio, Texas small fortune and two hours on it, I can up to our faults. My congratulations. only say I should have waited till MAD Edward Endicott Danville, California "A Hymn To Disgrace" certainly printed its version. I got more out of it. labeled the article correctly. It was def­ D. Eshleman initely a hymn to disgrace on your part! Lancaster, Pa. It was not only sick humor in bad taste, In your usual masterful and brilliant but it also presented a tight-sighted look Your satire of "Blow-Up" was terrible. manner, with graphic clarity, you have at America. Why not try knocking some­ This was a truly great movie, and you demonstrated once again that somewhere thing else instead of this great country should never have attempted to degrade along the line, we have forgotten the we are all privileged to live in. it. lofty ideals set forth for us by our fore­ Dolores Jean Randazzo X fathers. Congratulations on a superb Dan Silver Moodus, Connecticut Los Angeles, California masterpiece. Mitchell Moore "Throw-Up" captured every nauseating Alliance, Ohio I object to "America, the Beautiful- meaningless detail of the original movie, Revisited" and to other such "satires" that A and made me wonder why I hadn't done I've seen in MAD. While we cannot pre­ / just that... throw up! It disgusted me to read your satire of tend that certain deplorable situations do Rubette Cowan "America, the Beautiful—Revisited." You not exist in the United States, your point­ Bronx, N.Y. must be pretty hard up for ideas to stoop ing them out in blunt and painful sar­ so low as to ridicule a beautiful song and casm tinged with half-truths is of dubious FINALLY FED UP some of our depressed areas. Your con­ constructive value and, needless to say, in cept of combining the two was grotesque. no way laughable. I'm finally fed up with letters from Mrs. D. S. Murano Andy Rangell people who condemn MAD for satirizing Azusa, California Denver, Colorado a favorite TV show or a favorite movie. These people obviously are not reading your fine magazine with the correct at­ "America, the Beautiful — Revisited" Too many of us tend to forget or close titude. I, myself, have laughed many times belongs in the trash heap! You guys our eyes to scenes such as you portrayed, at satires of what I believed to be great don't appreciate your own country, do and see only the beauty that abounds in \shows. The more I enjoyed the show, the you! our country. Thank you for reminding more 1 enjoyed MAD's satire of it. I'm us. sure that most MAD readers agree with Bart Bradberry Athens, Ga. Greg Mahler me. Those who see MAD as only a col­ Glendale, California lection of vicious, mud-slinging articles are certainly reading the wrong magazine. Henry Vorus The pictorial "America, the Beautiful- Please stick to humor in your future Atlanta, Ga. Revisited" was an excellent expression of issues. "America, the Beautiful — Re­ a lamentable point of view. Perhaps these visited" was a humorless poke at our great VIETNAM NEWSPAPER STORY few new lyric lines will sum up the situ­ nation. Your "Do-It-Yourself Vietnam News­ ation: R. Travis Barness II paper Story" was so disgustingly true that O literal, unto each word, De Leon, Texas it was unfortunately funny. My congratu­ Thy meager brain doth seem. lations on a clever, beautiful article. Hast thou no broad, impassioned scope, Randi Solomon No visionary dream? "America, the Beautiful—Revisited" de­ Flushing, New York livers a message that will make people MAD Editor, MAD Editor, think about the need for beautification Can thou not understand? more than any speech by any politician In order to read your article in every The song's beauty is an ideal (or his wife) ever will. possible way, one would be forced to For our imperfect land. W. William Jones wade through it 479,001,600 times. Aileen Kirk McKeesport, Pa. Other than that, it was one of the best Wheeling, West Va. articles I've ever read. Norma Pincus Brookline, Mass. IMMORTALIZED IN MAD EVERYDAY GUTS Regarding your "Do-It-Yourself Viet­ At last! My fondest wish has been In "Everyday Guts Magazine" you nam Newspaper Story," I have found that realized. I have been immortalized in failed to include the most terrifying ex­ I could write a total of 8,916,099,247,256 MAD Magazine, thanks to Mort Drucker perience of all—namely "I Fought Nausea different news stories about the war in and Dick DeBartolo and MAD's satire of Through A Whole Issue Of MAD Mag­ Vietnam. "The Iron Horse" in which I appear. azine." Fred Ware Roger Torrey Brian Richardson Omaha, Nebraska Van Nuys, California Park Ridge, 111. "MOTHER GOOSE" BY FAMOUS POETS FOR JUST "If Famous Poets Had Written 'Mother A LITTLE Goose'" was one of the most brilliant pieces I have ever read in your magazine. Larry Pomeroy Des Moines, Iowa FOLDING "If Famous Poets Had Written 'Mother Goose'" was entertaining and interesting. MONEY In most cases, you were fairly accurate in your portrayal of the various poets' styles. However, when I came to "Humpty- YOU DON'T Dumpty" by Walt Whitman, I was shocked to see that writer HAVE TO BE had based his parody on one of Whit­ man's worst, "O Captain, My Captain," the only rhyming poem produced by him. Here is my idea of how Walt Whitman would have written "Humpty Dumpty": FROZEN

O fragile ovum in front of wall upon which once you sat, OUT Now ever broken and strewn about such that no being can ever re-build you, Not royal equine beasts, nor servants AT THE of empiric majesties, Not men in high places, not possessors of the Word of God, nor the very fowl NEWSSTAND! that begot you, You—whom God has let fall upon unclean surface. Origami by Baggi Photograph by Irving Schild You are not fit for human consumption. Bill Beatty Livonia, Michigan

A CHIP OFF THE OLD BOCK SUBSCRIBE TO I have been reading your magazine for several years. I was an English major in college (Big deal!) and a Journalism minor (Bigger deal!). I am an avid reader of everything from Shakespeare to bath­ a*-ig room walls, a full-time senior-clerk-typist (Barf!), a part-time fashion model (Big­ ger barf!) and a hopeless poet. I sin­ ...and have the next 19 issues cerely believe that your magazine is the most original and broadly intellectual one mailed direct to your own igloo! in the United States. Your satire, which is the highest form of humor, is unequaled use coupon or duplicate by any other newspaper or magazine. On various incredibly bad days of my in­ credibly bad life, I have been cheered by reading your mag. Please continue. If I MAD NAME had an income, I would subscribe. 485 MADison Avenue, ADDRESS. Linsley Fleur Bock New York, N. Y. 10022 Berkeley, California I enclose $5.00*. Enter my name on CITY your subscription list, and mail me STATE. .Zip-Code MAD AUTO SAFETY FEATURES the next 19 issues of MAD Magazine. An Absolute Must! "Some MAD Auto Safety Features" was one of your better satirical master­ *ln Canada, $5.00 in U.S. Funds, payable by International Money Order or Check drawn on a U.S.A. Bank. Outside the U.S.A. and Canada, $6.25, payable by International Money Order or pieces. It's too bad more people don't Check drawn on a U.S.A. Bank. Allow 10 weeks for subscription to be processed. We cannot be think this way instead of being hypo­ responsible for cash lost or stolen in the mails, so CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PREFERRED! critical and blaming the auto industry en­ tirely for the deaths on our highways. Automobiles are like guns. They don't kill, people do. Mike Shatto Professional Hunter Yep, we're looking for a soft shoulder to cry on— mainly because nobody's ordering these full-color Addis Ababa, Ethiopia portraits of Alfred E. Neuman, MAD's "What-Me Worry?" kid . . . which are suitable for framing, or wrapping fish. So help get us back on the road to Please address all correspondence to: riches! Mail 25c for 1 (or 50c for 3, or $1.00 for 9) MAD, Dept. 115, 485 MADison Avenue to MAD, 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022 New York, New York 10022 THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE STAR-SHIP vBOOBY-PRIZE'! ITS MISSION, TO EXPLORE STRANGE

What say we beam Er—try your other arm, Oh, yeah!? Well down to that place TTT Sir! You're talking into the odds are where no man has That's not what your wrist watch! The ten to one that gone before... I had in mind odds are five to one you're gonna "THE PLANET when I suggested that they'll never hear get a belt in PHI EPSILON that we explore you through THAT! the mouth if NUDIST COLONY some "heavenly you don't stop FOR WOMEN"? bodies", Mr. Spook! acting like an intelligent DONKEY! ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

NEW WORLDS, TO SEEK OUT NEW LIFE, AND TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS EVER GONE BEFORE!'

This is the We'd better beam No, sir- Er... yes! I know! Star Ship This is Rama IV! We down and have a but you're I was just going to 'Booby-Prize" need help immediately! look! If you're You're not standing in phone ahead! You know how . . . calling We're suffering from coming with me, turning the Phone Rama IV . .. landslides, earthquakes, Mr. Spook, you'd chicken, Booth!! awkward it could poisoned air, and better step into are you, THAT'S the be—dropping in this "Descanner"! Mr. Spook? Descanner"! on a planet unexpectedly! That's a Well, you're This IS suggest Okay! And mv that we while you do 7.895 Every day, thousands of people bound to be happy take Flob that, I'll Amplitude die—volcanoes erupt—lava pours unhappy if face! back to just use the Shock Wave down on homes—the air and you take You the "Booby- old-fashioned all right! water is poisoned—and there's that attitude! should Prize" so method of Flob—have been nothing to eat for two weeks § Where is your see me Doctor BeCoy tasting a you any now! I tell you, there are days "happy face"? when can look bit of this idea what's when I just don't feel like getting I'm at him! happening out of bed in the morning! soil... Dr. BeCoy, we Doctor, please don't talk found this man about this man as if he down on Rama Sure! He's were a vegetable! This is IV! Can you tell gone "bad"! a Human Being! Have some us what's wrong How long has compassion! Now—do you with him! he been out think you can find what's of the wrong with 'Old Smelly"? refrigerator?

Never!! You look terrible, Flob! You look Just a I have a plan that If we could reverse may save this man, orbit and go back in homesick! Well, if you don't want minute, Push him out!? How dare his people and his time—back to the days Then we'll to stay, there's nothing I can do Captain- you imply that I would planet! But hear me when this man had his probably to stop you! Here ... why don't before do such a thing! What health—before disease all die you get a breath of fresh air— you push do you think this out before you tell shortly! and lean way out of this porthole . him out- banana peel is for? He me that I'm crazy— struck his planet... was going to SLIP out! . . . and if we then beamed Are All right! We'll give I don't him down to his healthy you it a try! Emergency In the believe people, he could warn them finished? stations, everyone! bathroom? your of the coming catastrophe! I don't ears, They could leave the planet either, Yes! Take over, Mr. Spook! believe and re-settle elsewhere! We my ears! Mr. Spook! could change their future!! If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom!

This is going to be a tricky maneuver, It's working, Captain! And Hob We're Into the crew, so pay attention! Okay—reduce the We're going back in is getting approaching iDescanner, atomic flow—increase the retro power- time! We're back a week, younger! the time when Captain, Flob! This decrease the decibel level—accentuate already! Your clothes— But—phew! all was well on I can't is your the positive—eliminate the negative— that just came back from he's not your planet, find departure clear the decks—light the lights—we've the laundry! See—they're getting any Flob, so get enough point! got nothing to hit but the heights ... dirty and stained again! cleaner! ready to "De- words Scan" and go to thank back to your you! peopli

Well, he's You could've Captain! I Oops! Wen, don't panic! We're doomed, Captain! We're | gone—and given him a can't pull the Now Do you hear me? going to travel back in time we've saved few more ship out of it's DON'T PANIC... and crash in the Pre-Historic Ages . . . when Man was savage •r another seconds to its reverse just #$%&*"<§Y!! orbit! The broken! I WILL NOT and bloodthirsty and cruel! handle's stuck! TOLERATE PANIC! "2" AGAINST 'T'DEPT. When you're only No.2, For many months now, the American people have been subjected to one of the most expensive battles in you try harder. our nation's history. And we're not referring to Vietnam, or to Labor Strife, or to Civil Rights. Little fish have to keep moving all of We're talking about the bitter advertising battle the time. The big ones never stop picking that's currently being waged by "Hertz" and "Avis". on them. Avis knows all about the problems of little fish. We're only No.2 in rent a cars.We'd be AVIS STARTED THE BATTLE BY RUNNING THIS AD: • swallowed up if we didn't try harder. There's no rest for us.

AFTER A WHILE, HERTZ RESPONDED WITH THIS AD: AND AVIS QUICKLY RETALIATED WITH THIS AD: No. 2 says he tries harder. Why No.l has to do something about Avis: Than who?

We wouldn't, foraminule. arjim- wild No. 2. Can't come to U»? We'll come to you. Iflw. i>- lirlrir-li.ii tier, we'll lakehimjl hi*wuril. We have a direct-line telephone in mo-i ma jor The only thing is, a lot of people assume it's hotels and moteli in the U.S. lt'« marked HERTZ You've probably noticed the big us he's trying harder than. and it\ in the lobby. Pick il up. ask for I car. and Thai'* hardly the case. And we're sure that we'll deliver one to ihe door. You often can't get a change in No.fsadvertising lately. No. 2 would he the first lo agree. caha-e.i-ily. Especially in light of the following. What kind of cur would you like? No more jolly man flying into the A cur when- you need il. When you rent from Hertz, you're lew likely driver's scat. The first step in renting a car is gelling lo ihe to gel -tuck with a heige «edan when you waul a 'ou to do than any* Me. We have over twice as many cars Instead, they've come out with a hod\ .'I-,-. i No. 2. get-tough-with-Avis campaign. Why? Because Net's share of the rent tmm Hertz a car business is getting smaller.

We're at every major airport in the United W hat kind of service will you pet? And Avis'sharc is getting bigger. State- \nd .il -omt airuorl* thai are not -•> major. When you rent a new car from u> or anybody (Based on the latest figures from 26 Ever fly to Whitefish, Montana? Some people do. else, you expect it to befitting there waiting, ready And have a Hcrizcar waiting. logo, looking like new. v major airports.) No matter how small !*• "•! you fly lo, if On thai -•• claim no superiority over •-ile We Trying harder is paying off.

As you can see, both sides are beginning to play rough. And when "Big Business" plays rough, there's no telling how nasty and vicious things can get. Which is why we here at MAD can't wait to see the sparks fly

(A WHEN THE z I HERTZ-AVIS

I RIVALRY >- <

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12 DON MARTIN DEPT. £3Q IN A SUPER MARKET c^ o- '^\ POLL-BEARERS DEPT. Television does things in a big way. Coverage of the 1964 Presidential election was extensive, and many hours of regular programming were pre-empted to bring you the returns. In 1965 and 1966, many more hours of viewing were pre-empted to cover these less-important elections. But now it's 1967, a real "off-year" as far as elections go. Will television find enough material to again pre-empt many hours of normal viewing? Oh, they will! They will! Lets take a look at: TV COVERAGE OF AN OFF-YEAR ELECTION ARTIST: , JR. WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

Li |l5 1 That's right, Tom—and Thank you, David! Here in Who's an incumbent!? Hold on, there, here they are now . . . Garret Park, the hottest Mister! Let's not have any mud- flashing on our screen: race in this 1967 election slinging and name-calling! If you 8,567! 10,422! And 23! is for "Corporation Counsel want to hear that kind of slime, go That certainly indicates to the Temporary President over to the headquarters of my big- a trend ... or something! of the Board of Freeholders"! mouthed. Communist-backed, wife- And here with me now, is the stealing opponent! I'm doing a great incumDent, Mr. Russ Trusty— I job as Counsel for the Board of Freeloaders—er, HOLDERS!

m .T 1 \>-H

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[$L*Aik&i Our machine also predicts Q How do you And now, out Marlene Dodes, here with Mr. that Mrs. Hillary Harris feel about to Marlene Steven Sigler, the new "Alderman- will win as "Confidential winning as Dodes, with at-Large" of Goosebay Creek. Clerk" to the Mayor of Confidentia another of Incidentally, Frank—this was Shlumpville, Indiana! We Clerk," Mrs. our "Official not a run-of-the-mill election have our TV cameras with Harris? Winners," win. Although the computer did Mrs. Harris, so let's go according to predict that Mr. Sigler would out to Shlumpville . .. our RCA win, he did not receive a Super 409 majority of the votes cast! Computer. .

5)0* L~

However, as you can see, we now have a team of Thank you, Frank! Iva high school students correcting errors on the Gardner here in Fleabag, ballots in order to make them agree with the Ohio—with the official prediction of our computer. As it stands now, winner—according to our they are within l/10th of 1% of each other. .. computer—in the race for "City Stenographer"— Mr. Gregg Shorthand! How does it feel to be City Stenographer, Gregg?

PHRASING A COIN DEPT. In the old days, kids used to collect worthless things like "gum cards" and "bottle caps". Today, the big hobby among members of our modern younger generation is "coin collecting". (No fools, you modern kids!). And so, after diligent searching (and some sneaky counter­ feiting), we are now able to present a collection of rare coins and bills that aren't (but should be) in the catalogues. So feast your beady little mercenary eyes on these

MADARTIST : MINTLIEBOB CLARKE WRITER : Wl LLIAM GARVIN S The TWO CENTS The The ONE RED CENT PENNY

... someone is always putting into your private ... every door-to-door conversations. salesman promises his product ... your wife is always won't cost you unless you're accusing you of being a 100% satisfied. pincher of. The DOLLAR

The The PLUGGED NICKEL DIME

... used car dealers always ... your chances of getting assure you their cars will stop on. ... your doctor is always telling that raise aren't worth. you you're sound as, even though you feel awful.

The THREE DOLLAR BILL

... most of your friends are as phony as. 18 LABOR OF LOVE DEPT. From generation to generation, relationships between males and females have wound up in one of two ways: Moderate Misery ... or Complete Misery! That's never changed! What has changed, however, are the attitudes and techniques in the area of "Dating". MAD now examines three generations of these attitudes and techniques in order to trace . . . ThE EvoluTION OF DATINq

ARTIST: WRITER : LARRY SI EGEL 1890-1910 1930-1950 TODAY THE ARRANGEMENTS Oflfj 1 Q1 (I! ,n ^is period, people were very mature in their attitudes toward arranging IUuU" I U I U dates. Mainly because the people who did the arranging were the Parents.

In this period, arranging dates was taken out of the hands of parents and handled by young people themselves. But because of their Victorian upbringing, young people were confused 1930-1950 about the opposite sex and didn't start dating until they were old enough to be Parents.

What do you You wanna Gee, don't you How come? They want to do I don't go meet I know the facts taught you how to No, my Parents No, they were too tonight, know. some girls, of life, Morty? walk, didn't they? are too ashamed ashamed to teach Morty? What do Morty? to teach them me that, too! I you want learned it on a to do? street comer!

' IlillflV Nowadays, not only do young people arrange their own dates, lUUHl but they know all there is to know about the opposite sex.

Hey, Bopper! I hear there are some Dancing sounds great! swinging new broads over at Melvin's I could use a change Discotheque! How'd you like to go dancing? from all this making out! THE MEETING When Bertram and Maud were both 21, that first date . . . 1890-1910 arranged years ago by their Parents, finally came to pass.

Bertram is dyin Maud can Did you tell Maud You to meet Maud hardly wait that Bertram is Yes. And did you tell bet! I've told him very cute when Oh— to meet Bertram that Maud has all about her! he's angry, he has Bertram! a wonderful disposition, here a cleft in his chin, she has a freckle on the they and he likes to walk tip of her nose, and come in the rain? she's a great listener? now!

1RQA 1 flEn During tnis Period, boys often met and got to know girls while doing something called a "Fox luUUluul Trot". This was an activity in which the boy and girl moved slowly around a Dance Floor in time to music, holding each other closely. This will never happen again in our life-time. g^r^^XHi! My : name is N |-m a great Morty! I coo^ |'m a What's : wonderful yours? I housekeeper, and I can make someone very happy!

Tfiniy Nowadays, the first meeting between a boy and girl is not as cut and dried, but instead is fraught lUUnl with suspense and intrigue. Mainly because neither of them is at all sure that it is a meeting.

I like the way you dance. They're so far apart, He IS talking to And I like the way you she can't hear him! himself! How much look. In fact, I like He might as well be involvement can the everything about you! talking to himself! poor guy take? THE DATING The dating period before marriage for a young couple of this 1890-1910 generation was understandably short. Like about twenty minutes.

. . . and do you I don't know. I thought we'd sort of take this man stand around hereon the altar for a as your lawfully while, and then step down, and then |~| wedded sort of kill the rest of the evening husband cutting cake and collecting money.

Once Morty and his girl started dating, different kinds 1930-1950 of problems set in. Namely ... travel . . . and privacy. yq|g Bp. amy J

nilV Nowadays, there are no problems with transportation or privacy lUUnE on dates. Every kid from 12 on up owns and drives his own car.

Hey, how about No, I mean RUN Gee, Bopper! I'd rather go to the V\Forge t it! I didn't see it driving down You mean INTO them—with "Drive-In"! There's a new movie three times already! Main Street? We "meet" my car! It's the there I'd like not to see! might run into another newest kick! Man, another couple! couple? where you been? THE MARRIAGE IftQfl 1 01 fl A 9ood percentage of marriages made during this lOuU lulU period didn't work out ... for obvious reasons.

Your father was wrong! You're NOT cute Oh, you've got some wonderful when you're angry! You're ugly! And that's disposition, all right! And that NOT a cleft in your chin! It's a wart! freckle you were supposed to have And you DON'T like to walk in the rain on the tip of your nose is really because you're romantic! You do it because an acne scar. And if you're a good you're too stupid to come out of it! listener, so is the wall! I get more of a response from it!

QQn 1 flRfjl ManY marriages that took place during this period didn't IUuU'iuUU work out either . . . but for slightly different reasons. JU f JUL You spent so much Well, now that I've left That's a big deal! You time before we we got to know him, Mother! and your sponging husband married trying to you, I'm sorry I've come have been living in my hook me, you didn't I spent so much home! home since you were married! allow yourself time time trying to to get to know me! hook you!

Tfinil V With the modern generation totally involved in kicks and causes, and totally umnvolved with lUUnl people, young marrieds today can't possibly know they're incompatible until it's too late.

"LX Bopper? |~j I don't think that our uJz J Well, for one You don't love me! You If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a •M marriage is working out! f thing—my never did! I'm frugging lying wife! She's not frugging home name is home to mother! to her mother! She's WATUSIING! Natalie! To repeat what we said in the beginning: While dating methods may have changed through the years, the results were often, unfortunately the same. Up to now, there has been no sure-fire way for young people to know how suited they are for each other until after marriage—when it's too late. DaTinG BY C

No more selfish Parents arranging dates! No more desperate trips THE ARRANGEMENTS to dances and discotheques in search of the ideal mate. For a modest fee, you simply fill out the detailed questionnaire . . .

PHYSICAL INFORMATION EMOTIONAL INFORMATION MORAL INFORMATION

MY HEIGHT IS (CHECK ONE): I like boys more than girls Under 5' ( ) 5'-5'5" ( ) 5'5"-6' ( ) I like girls more than boys Over 6' ( ) None of these ( ) I like boys and girls equally I WILL NOT OBJECT TO THE FOLLOWING I WANT TO MEET SOMEONE (CHECK ONE): I hate boys more than girls ACTIVITIES ON MY FIRST DATE: Under 5' ( ) 5'-5'5" ( ) 5'5"-6' ( ) I hate girls more than boys Over 6' ( ) None of these ( ) Holding hands ( I hate boys and girls equally Hugging and squeezing ( MY EYES ARE (CHECK ONE): I am very affectionate Kissing ( Blue ( ) Brown ( ) Hazel ( ) Crossed ( ) I am not very affectionate Ear-blowing ( Going a little further ( MY DATE'S EYES SHOULD BE (CHECK ONE): I laugh when I'm happy Going even further ( Blue ( ) Brown ( ) Hazel ( ) Closed ( ) I cry when I'm happy Going still further ( MY HAIR IS (CHECK ONE): I have many bad habits Going the furthest possible from "still further" ( Black ( ) Brown ( ) Red ( ) Blonde ( ) I have no bad habits I will not object to meeting a nice writer of MY DATE'S HAIR SHOULD BE (CHECK ONE): I checked all of the above items ... computer information forms if I checked Black ( ) Brown ( ) Red ( ) Combed ( ) I am very confused about myself everything up to here (

R/IT III A Once the dating begins, all the anguish ends. No more psyche-probing, M UHI ItiU no more suspense about compatibility of interests. You know exactly what you both have in common, and you do nothing but share all of these things together.

Isn't it wonderful, sharing so many common things? | You bet! Sorry! What would you rather do tonight, go Bowling before we go to Night Court, or after we go to Night Court? |Yes! about this chocolate pudding? love chocolate pudding! wmm^m vrv,—r,—a j ] / ' —•—— •••• Before OR after! I love them both! too! But this pudding?? ' U It is a little watery, isn't it?

It has sort of a watery thickness?

WATERY THICKNESS??

£/fbot>&£'&&? However, today there are people who claim that all this will be changed by a revolutionary new system which will cut through the uncertainty and deliver the goods scientifically. And so, in the same step-by-step process we've just used, let us examine the new phenonenon called . . . ompuTers THE MEETING Once questionnaire is filled out and processed, a meeting is set up for you with a person of the opposite sex who most closely conforms to what you desire in a mate, and who shares the same interests with you. From the very beginning, you two speak the same language . . .

Hi! My favorite color is Blue. I love Chocolate Pudding. Dogwood Trees make o^ my Nose itch. I enjoy Bowling and visiting Night Court. Earthquakes depress me. I go crazy for Neck-Rubs. I'm a Liberal Republican. I've got an Impacted IDC Wisdom Tooth, and I suffer from Post-Nasal Drip! —ii moBBxem ran ^y orazjcranarnaarar DDEansBsea

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M ADDI/IPT Thanks to computers, we may soon see marriages in which both partners are M IffHltilKHUL perfectly matched, share everything in common . . . and wish to heck their Parents could have arranged a wedding for them with people they had nothing in common with. PINS AND NEEDLES DEPT. Wearing those sick, shocking, and sometimes downright pornographic "Protest Buttons" seems to be the current craze among the members of the "IN" crowd. Weil, we've got W PROTEST BUTTONS*

LEARN A mnKEfl LESSON FROM METHUSELA ISA CRHUEn CONFUCIUS imncE AND AN HOUR LATER DIRTY OLD YOU'RE STUPID MAN TODHV! AGAIN

oedipus Rasputin is a Is Rt\ JVlichelangelo mama's EUCUO ypkenjpt Can't Draw A Boy ISA Straight Line. squARe news for them. Wearing "Protest Buttons" isn't a new craze at all! In fact, it's a very old idea! And here's the proof ... as MAD presents some rare examples of . . . THROUGH HISTORY ARTIST: WRITER: STAN HART

Attila MERLIN The Hun Louis XIV Has Bad Wears A Garter Ari> Max Breath USES Belt $l0t00tP0 MIRRORS Haydn Ponce Is A De Leon HACK Uses Face Cream FLOWERY LANGUAGE PEPT. A PORTFOLIO MAD BLOOMING OF ARTIST & WRITER:

Frustration

Vanity

Dependency

J«UJu M,U

28 Lust Motherhood •nn >$:_*,

-ANTONI IDIOSYNCRASIEO PROHIAS S

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Exhibitionism

Ambition uUUQXXck

Self-Preservation

u LAA S ovU^ LwU/^U-L» IUAXWUWW ^fti^r'^- ^' ^*^ -

uU/v-UwlHI

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Shyness Youth and Old Age 29 LL.

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Introspection Hypocrisy Anxiety

^W- *U/-1»V.U~UVUM UvU~wlwU\d A^.lx-LCv.'V-U U^iw.

Infidelity Flirtation

Introversion Indecision Non-Conformity RAPPING THE GIFTED PEPT. iw^K "C1°ds" °f th? wo,rld have their °wn magazine (MAD) there oughta be a magazine for the "Geniuses" of the world. Something Hke

: WRITER: STAN HART 31 ARE YOU ASHAMED OF YOUR PARENTS? ASK Next time you bring your "GIFTED CHILD" friends home for an informal gathering, why suffer the embarrassment of having to intro­ SMART ALEC duce them to your typical, dull, normal par­ ents? Now you can say goodbye to their ridic­ Send your Gifted Child Problems to "Ask Smart Alec," c/o this magazine ulous questions and idiotic remarks! Play All letters will be treated in strict confidence, unless they're dirty it smart: before your next social affair, call . . . in which case, I'll show them to my friends so they can giggle, too! U fi RENT-A-PARENT Dear Smart Alec: I am a six-year-old college sophomore. This semester, I joined a fraternity, but I am very disappointed. At the frat parties, the only things the girls want to do are dance and make out. I've tried—Lord knows, I've tried to find a young lady who wants to talk about Integral Calculus or Classical Greek Literature. But I've been unsuccessful. Do you have the telephone numbers of some girls who AREN'T interested in kissing and making out all the time? Signed: Frustrated Dear Frustrated: No, thank God! Do you have the telephone numbers of some girls who ARE? Dear Smart Alec: My home life is just awful. All day long, it's questions, questions, questions. Every time I say something, I hear this voice asking, "Will you explain that?*' or Yes, now you can rent moonlighting M.I.T. "I don't understand! What do you mean?" It's becoming unbearable. Will you Professors and A.E.C Scientists by the hour, please advise me on how I should handle my father and his endless questions? day or week, for parties, gatherings, vaca­ tions, or maybe if you'd just like to have an Signed: Upset Son intelligent adult to talk to for a change! Dear Upset Son: CALL "RENT-A-PARENT" TODAY! Next time your father questions one of your statements, just answer, "Because!" Naturally, he will reply, "Because why?" To which you can rejoin, "Because I MAID AND BUTLER UNIFORMS FOR DISGUISING said so, that's why!" To which he will counter with "Why, just because you said REGULAR PARENTS SUPPLIED FREE OF CHARGE so, that's why?" to which you can offer, "Why not just because I said so, that's why!?" At this point, your father will either stop asking questions or kill himself. MISSING OUT ON THE FUN In either case, you're the winner. BECAUSE YOU'RE GIFTED? Dear Smart Alec: Something very strange happened to me last week in our Special Gifted Child Send For This Book And Worry No More! Class. I was called upon to give a talk on Current Events, and so I delivered a ten-minute speech explaining President Johnson's Foreign Policy. Immediately thereafter, I was dropped out of the Gifted Child Class. Can you tell me why? How To Dear Wounded: Signed: Wounded Anyone who understands President Johnson's Foreign Policy has to be an idiot, Take An and doesn't belong in a Gifted Child Class.

I.Q.Test Dear Smart Alec: I am deeply disturbed. Recently, I wrote my Congressman suggesting legislation on monetary reform. Although I am only 7, I offered a revolutionary plan for curbing the wage-price inflationary spiral, avoiding recession, and reducing our gold out-flow. My Congressman never even answered me. I have enclosed a copy of my letter to him for you to see. Why didn't he answer me? Signed: Disillusioned Dear Disillusioned: I have read your letter and I agree that it has some remarkable ideas. However, I think the reason your Congressman did not answer you is contained in your last sentence, which I quote: "I believe that this multifaceted approach to monetary reform is both viable and imaginative, and I hope that you will incorporate its Here is the book you've been searching for. Read it several approaches into a bill for introduction upon the floor of Congress this before you take your next I.Q. Test. It contains all session, and if you don't, you're a rotten doody." the tricks necessary to get an I.Q. Score of 95 when you actually have an I.Q. of 165. Now, you too can be just an average clod, welcome in average cloddish Dear Smart Alec: society. No longer will you be scorned for superi­ Perhaps you can help me. I am having a very difficult time with my parents. ority, ostracized for excellence and abused for abili­ Although they both have Ph.D. degrees, they are quite stupid. They claim they ty. This book will make you happy through anonymity. cannot understand me, that they cannot reach me, and that they cannot handle me. SEND $3.00 TODAY TO As a result, communication between us has broken down, and our mutual con­ tempt is growing day by day. How can a Gifted Daughter handle this problem? NAMELESS-FACELESS PUBLICATIONS, BOX 2, N. Y. Signed: Distraught Dear Distraught: PERSONALS From the symptoms you describe, I question whether you are a Gifted Daugh­ ter. You sound like a perfectly normal teenage girl to me. TO MY GIFTED SON, RAYMOND: Since you ran away, I have seen the light. I realize now that our family can live hap­ PRODIGY MAGAZINE is edited by and for Gifted Children, although some parts of it may be en­ pily. There will be no more bickering, no joyed by the less fortunate who who might only have I.Q.'s of 150 or so. The Magazine has been more tension, and no more competing be­ designed as a forum and common meeting ground for youngsters who are so far above the ordi­ tween us for Mommy's attention. All you nary that the usual types of magazines do not satisfy them. This, is an elite publication have to do is STAY AWAY!!-Dad. for elite children, and we made ya look, made ya look, made ya buy a quarter book! Ha-hal The Joys and Sorrows of Living LIFE WITH with a Gifted Child, as Told by His Father, Herman Gardens. MAR VIIM

OW HAPPY I WAS ON THAT FATEFUL DAY Of course, life with a Gifted Child in the family is not when I rushed my wife to the hospital to have our vvithout its problems. For example, there's Marvin's older H second child. How thrilled I was when the nurse sister—a ten-year-old with an I.Q. of 148. Recently, we've came to me a few hours later with a tiny baby in her arms. begun calling her "Big Stupid." And there's Marvin's proud And how amazed I was when the kid looked up at me and Grandmother who carries wallet-size brain X-rays of him said; "Hello, there, Mr. Gardens! I'm your new son!" Right around with her. She's currently making plans for his first there and then, I had the feeling this child was different. birthday party—to be catered by the Princeton Institute For We named him Marvin (after our favorite piece of prop­ Advanced Studies. And then there's my wife, who is knock­ erty in "Monopoly'") and brought him home. What joy filled ing her brains out taking Advanced Adult Education Courses my heart as 1 sat on the floor that first day amid all the nuts just so she can understand what Marvin is talking about. and bolts and parts, assembling his crib, while Marvin read As for Marvin, things can be difficult, too. All of his facul­ the instructions and told me what to do. ties are so highly developed that it is hard for a one-year-old For a while, life with the infant Marvin went along just to cope with them. For example, he has the sexual knowledge fine . . . except for an occasional incident, such as Marvin's of a twenty-year-old, but there's nothing he can do about it disputing the Pediatrician's diagnosis. But Marvin soon came for another 15 years or so. Which gives me a chance to get to understand that, unlike himself, the Doctor did not have even with the little stinker for all his abuse. I leave copies of the time to read all the current Medical Journals. "Playboy" around the house, and it drives him crazy. At eight months, I bought Marvin his first Chemistry Set. Actually, since Marvin came into our lives, we've all be­ It was the best $5.98 I ever spent, because it kept Marvin come terribly neurotic. But I am proud to say that we are occupied. Within three days, he had created "life in a test doing something about it. We are all in "Group Therapy." tube." I do believe that Marvin would have won the Nobel The family sits around and tries to work out its problems Prize and traveled to .Stockholm if he'd been toilet trained together. However, I have my doubts about the success of at the time. this venture. Marvin is conducting the Group Sessions. THE INQUIRING Goings On In The Top Two Percentile

PHOTOGRAPHER By Bernard "Brainy" Bernbaum

Hi, Gifted Gals and Guys . . . here's "Brainy" Bernbaum again, with news and QUESTION: gossip about the "Smart Set". And by the way, if you're really a Gifted Gal or Guy, What was your most difficult problem? you should be finished reading this entire column by now! * * * * Asked of Gifted Children in the Reference Our condolences to poor Eli Tashman, who had a brilliant medical career ruined last week. Eli was all set for his Medical Board Examinations, but couldn't get to Room of The Public Library school. Seems his Mother was seriously ill, and there was no one else to watch Eli cross the street . . . Ain't It A Shame Dept.: Nick Liola, the four-year-old whiz-kid Jane Retch, Six-Years-Old can name every Secretary Of State from George Washington's administration to the Floral Park, N. Y. present one. Too bad nobody's ever asked him to do it! . . . Send a "Get Well" card to Speed-Reading Champ, Gregg Pitman, who is in the hospital with a dislocated I remember once I jaw. Gregg, as you know, can speed-read through five text books in one hour. entered an I.B.M. Unfortunately, he moves his mouth while he reads. Contest. I was given a problem that would take a computer two days to answer, and then I was put into a room for an entire day to solve it. My most difficult problem was that I didn't know what to do with the rest of my after­ noon.

Harvey Brut, Nine-Years-Old Secaucus, N. J. My most difficult . l^ Mr^gj problem is in the field This is Don Franklin, the Gifted Child Artist, whose copy of "THE BLUE BOY" was so of music. I have the authentic, few experts could tell it from the famous original. Unfortunately, the Art \i —- Dealer to whom Don sold it for a record breaking $500,000, turned out to be one of those ifc$\t'~fc=0f i -ri-Vifc?',* II . darndest time hum­ few experts. That's "The Last Supper" Don is painting on the wall of his prison cell. ~> tf| ming the main theme from Haydn's 102nd Which Gifted Child-Dean of which Eastern University was all upset when his ML^ trunk from home arrived last week and he discovered that his parents had for­ Symphony. I keep gotten to include his rubber sheet? . . . Tch-Tch Dept.: Even though seven-year-old getting it confused with his 101st and his Leslie Gruder is setting a torrid fashion pace creating award-winning hairdoes, 103rd. But it doesn't really bother me. I Mr. and Mrs. Gruder are sick about it. After all, Leslie is a boy! . . . Hats off to suppose everyone has the same problem. Lance Alott, the eight-month-old "vunderkind" who already has a vocabulary of 5000 (count 'em—5000) words. Unfortunately, Lance can't put any of them into a single coherent sentence. Phyllis Potts, Seven-Years-Old Pismo Beach, Calif. As you know, I am famous for memoriz­ ing facts and figures faster than anyone in the Free World. My one problem is that I also forget facts and figures faster than anyone in the Free World. Er—what was that question again?

Peter Bilge, Ten-Years-Old Scranton, Pa. Rock Samish, son of Movie Queen, Jill Samish, shows why he is known as Hollywood's most In as much as I have Gifted Child by reeling off the exact names and dates of all his mother's marriages. never had a difficult Pity poor Larry Draper, the young genius who never made a single mistake or problem in my whole gave a wrong answer in his eleven years. Well, it appears that the pressure of life, I would be ob­ somewhere, sometime making a boo-boo was too much for Larry, so he decided to liged to say that an­ break the streak himself, on purpose. Last week, for the first time in his life, he gave a wrong answer. However, everyone accepted it as the right answer, since they all swering your ques­ knew Larry never makes a mistake. Drop him a line c/o Mattawan State Mental tion about my most Hospital . . . Don't Invite To The Same Party Dept.: Norm Nitzwitz and Roy Cohnman. All they do all night is argue about quadratic equations . . . Too bad difficult problem is my most difficult about Ken Furtwanger! Seems the brilliant five-year-old Pathologist developed a problem. cure for Cancer, but he left it on the floor of his room and his mother threw it out. The Gifted Child Of The Month Each month, Prodigy Magazine selects one of its own for special commendation. This month, we salute nine-year-old Melvin Arista of San Francisco, California.

Melvin starts his day bright and early at 5:30. Before going off to school, Melvin plays his usual joke on his Dad. This gives him some free hours in which to play. He asks Dad to check his Differential Calculus homework for errors. Here he is, having his morning fun—translating Melvin has difficulty communicating with his Dad, who only has an Tolstoi from the original Russian into Swedish. I.Q. of 165, but Dad's getting the message that Melvin hates him.

Now it's off to school for Melvin. In the morning, he takes 16 points at UCLA. Then he comes home Melvin has time for hobbies, too. Here we see an exact replica for lunch. In the afternoon, he takes another 16 of a Boeing 707 Jet which Melvin built with materials found points at Stanford. Melvin loves the ten minute around his home. Unfortunately, the Civil Aeronautics Board rides between his home and the campuses, since it will not let him fly his model, and it lies unused. "I had the gives him time to do all his homework assignments. same problem with my Hydrogen Bomb replica!" complains Melvin.

Melvin also finds time for relaxation. A devout music-lover, Like any other child, Melvin ends his day with a prayer. he is shown going to the San Francisco Symphony, where he'll Here we see him finishing off his prayer with the usual conduct—and also be soloist in Beethoven's Violin Concerto. touching ending as he asks God if He has any questions. 35 BERGS-EYE VIEW PEPT

Oh, my gosh! Here What the heck was Take down that silver Aunt We love the comes Aunt Betty! it, anyway? I think candelabra from the Betty! Wedding The first thing it was . . . Oh, yeah! mantle, and put her How nice Present she's going to I That hideous wooden serving tray in its to see you sent us so look for is that serving tray! We've place! Hurry! you! Let much that we Wedding Present got it hidden in me take gave it a place she sent us! the closet! your coat. of honor!

Isn't Hey, that's It's a perfect I'll say! It You never used I wasn't Only Take it off! this a beaut! fit! And isn't makes you look to ask how paying for $89.95! It looks dress How much the color real sexy! How much my dresses them then! TERRIBLE gorgeous! is it? beautiful? much is it? cost before we How much is on you! were married! this one? nr WRITER& ARTIST: DAVID BERG

Happy Good heavens, you're right! If this That's right, dear! We've been Anniversary, isn't a cornball cliche situation— married for exactly twenty- dear... the Husband forgetting his very four hours . . . one whole day! first Wedding Anniversary .. .

It makes me sick when I Take Gerald Murdock, f'rinstance. Oh, how I wish Say, that SHE wishes you'd think of all the wonder­ A fine, upstanding, ambitious, I'd married reminds me! I married him instead ful men that were chasin handsome, thoughtful person! If Gerald Murdock met Gerald of me, TOO! after me—and I had to only you were like him! instead of you! Murdock's wife marry a lemon like you! the other day . .

Oh-oh! The new I HATE HIM! Do you know what that so-called Why is he such a ANY wife, yes! Bride has come I HATE HIM! husband expects me to do? COOK brute? Isn't that But MY home to Mother- I HATE HIM! for him! CLEAN the house for what any wife is DAUGHTER- luggage and all! him! Do the SHOPPING for him! supposed to do? NO! And have CHILDREN for him! Package Again!? My, you delivery Please, Mrs. Zitzlaff does not live here! Lady, this The only Mrs. Zitzlaff I know is for Mrs. people are incompetent. lady! Is that clear? I live here now! is the right my Mother-ln-Law, and she lives Zitzlaff! You're the third one today This My husband and I are just back apartment! in another town! I'm sure there that asked for her. There is package from our honeymoon, and we We checked isn't anyone named Zitzlaff in no Mrs. Zitzlaff here! is heavy! moved in yesterday! Maybe you with the THIS town . . . except, of course, have the wrong apartment! store! my husband . . . and . . . and . . .

I went to college for six years and Yeah? Some floor-waxer "Big Talker", And you said you received a Degree in Psychology. But you are! Look at all am I! I'll never got to use I never got to use it. Because right those bare spots! Even show you! your Degree in after graduation, we got married. Now, I could do a better Psychology! all I do is menial work—like cooking job than that! and washing and waxing floors . . .

Honey, I'm back from You didn't feel I can't help my appointment . . . a thing?! You it if I don't mean the thrill feel anything! is gone!?

Honey, now that we're married and you're doing How's my YECCH! so well, could I have $300 for a "Nose Job"? Grandaughter, We have I've always been self-conscious about my nose! the new Bride, our and her Groom? problems! [Hello, Mother? Do you remember you That husband of mine once told me that SEX problems keeps wasting money and MONEY problems were the main on Playboy Magazine! sources of trouble in a marriage? Well, you were so right! And I've got BOTH problems!!

Honey. . . You WHAT" But But According to our plan, I m sorry! I don't care Hello, Librett's look at we decided we it we weren't going to buy I guess I to discuss it Hardware? This is the Vacuum wouldn't buy was a Vacuum Cleaner for just any further! Fred Beaumont! Cleaner I anything unless on another two months! bought I'm going into You know that Vacuum Cleaner bought today! we BOTH made sale! What's the use of it on the den to calm down! I ordered this Y the decision making a budget if you impulse! afternoon? Well. together! V don't stick to it!? y cancel it!

Then it's over! Sob! But I didn't say it Wait a lt it's over, it's Will you The appointment I had When a woman kisses it's was your fault! I minute! over! Do you want shut the was with my Dentist, a husband with all not must have failed Listen a Legal Separation heck up and he gave me a shot the love that's in my you! I no longer to me­ or should we make for one of novocain! I DON'T her, and he doesn't fault! appeal to you! But a clean break with fat minute FEEL A THING!! feel anything, it's don't worry! I a Divorce? and listen no use going on! Sob! won't give you any to me!?

You mean the "PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT"! Gee, Grandpa, you're Well, I can only speak from my own But don't worry! Yes, I know. You give a little ... he gives so understanding! But experience. Let's see . .. your Eventually, we'll a little ... you take a little ... he takes in the meantime, it's Grandmother and I were married in both adjust! a little. It's the business of getting your a pretty rough period. 1908, and . . . SAY! Do you realize two gears to mesh without breaking off any How long does it take that in three months, we're going teeth. I know, I know! It takes time, but for two people to to celebrate our GOLDEN Y eventually, you'll both adjust! adjust to marriage? WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!? GLOSSARY PRINTS DEPT. So that you may fully understand the language of our times, here's MAD'S Pictorial STATE OF THE UNION AUTOMATION

•'..-:.'Y"'...'MV .-: :•;.' ' ' . AIR POLLUTION

=*JEL WATER CONSERVATION

BRAINWASHING .:•( Political Dictionary ESCALATION PEACEFUL COEXISTENCE

POPULATION EXPLOSION

WRITER: MAX BRANDEL

BRINKMANSHIP

CREDIBILITY GAP Hi, gang! Here we go with the opening sequence ... the first race of the Grand Prix, here in Monaco. Before this MAD version of the motion picture about this series of races is over, we'll have seen the world's best racing drivers, the world's best racing cars, the world's best racing courses ... and the world's worst racing gags. So now let's switch to some introductory close-ups of the drivers themselves, and let's hear what they're thinking . . .

I'm Pete Arrogant! I'm thinking about I am Jean-Beware Sadist, holdair of I am cool, calm British driver, Gott the danger, the pile-ups, and the wild many track records! I theenk about Stardded. I am thinking about how I crazy driving I face each day! And that's how I nevair race wizout carrying always relax before a race with a just in the cabs getting to the tracks! a picture of my wife . . . glued seven course dinner with wine which face down on one of my tires! takes several hours to consume . . . CAR SICK DEPT.

... and about one minute to throw up! I should know! I'm his wife, and I have to clean up the mess! I'm Pet Stardded, and I'm thinking about what we're in for these next 3 hours! Bloody crashes and gory injuries—making for some pretty . . Grim

ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

Hello, Gott, Mr. Sadist, my name is You louse! You cut me off at the turn! Chemise Cloth, and I'd ol' buddy! I You wreck my car! You cripple me for like to include you in a thought I'd life, maybe! And you have the nerve very unusual article I'm cheer you up, to bring me a present? What is it? doing! It's on fashion! so I brought T you a present!

t's just \w& And that How can you What is magnificent! writing on m& have a party this You do not Who did a No one! the wall? Are No .. . famous graffiti! after a race Even if a man ees insane understand! this Pop-Art Zese are they famous Each winning driver has that sent a killed, zere ees drive Winning is written his favorite dirty man to the always a party unimportant Sculpture? famous auto signatures? you have limerick! Here ees mine: hospital! after! Of course, to me! Just wrecks! We to WIN? had zem "Zere once was a racer we do not ask ze as long as I bronzed! named Dave . . ." Widow to chip in! finish FIRST! It's a great day for the Belgian Don't Tomorrow?! Mon cher—we Later, I Grand Prix, folks! As you know, you Nevair! Not even Zen I must go But you just will take have 9 Grand Pete Arrogant will not be racing ever subconsciously! home and get finished you to Prix races . . . and today! He was fired because he think Now, how about ready to drive the Monaco my only a 3-hour crippled his teammate, because he about joining me in a the Belgian Grand Prix country film! Zis talk we wrecked two $100,000 cars, and DEATH? cup of coffin— Grand Prix today! have had has home, er—coffee! tomorrow! and because he failed to put out been very i his hand to signal a left turn! beneficial! It separate succeeded in another separating couple of races! However, Pete is here with us to 2 races! interview drivers and car-makers for NBC—the National Biscuit Company! Take it away, Pete ...

Folks, I'm here with Sorry, Mr. Arrogant, but Ah, Mr. So—you are I will come Good! Here is • V Mr. Issy Yamother, the Mr. Yamother no speak Arrogant! surprised I right to the your chauffeur's famous Japanese car English! However, he say if From Maine You've speak your point! Do cap! The pay is M language? builder! Tell us, Sir, you come to factory to Spain, got it! you want $75 a week, and do you think— tomorrow, he will try to pick you reign By I even to drive you get every as racing's up your language by then! George, speak your for me? other Tuesday stain! you've cliches! off! got it!

I I I V Not that Well— You see, I have kind of Big deal! Okay, Mr. Arrogant! I during You don't this "thing"! I V driving! You could I'll give you a shot a war, understand, must win at all I want beat her 5 chance to race for down one must Mr. Arrogant! costs! I think to race, any day me! But there is 17 do what The war was you're the Yamother! one must! of the something you American over 8 years same kind of week! should know first! planes! when I did it! man! ^J -l_r i^ There are an exceptional number of The sex-crazed You must be kidding, Gott! It's a great day for another j- n Deff, I want entries in this race today—probably Grand Prix race, folks! This young girls to see what Your bones haven't mended, due to the presence of the handsome is either the French, the are in cars it's like to k your stitches haven't come young Italian driver, Needno Eardahli, numbered 23 sit behind £/ out, and you're full of Dutch or the British race... in car number 22 . .. who has all those I can't be too sure! They all through 67 . . . the wheel of S drugs! Can't you wait. .. sex-crazed young girls after him! a car again look alike to me! like say for an hour or so?

' f "-1 atgygygBag 1 r Faster! Faster! Gott will never match nezf/iw/ Yes, but almost doesn't > Well, it's another The winner is . You're going to his brother, will he, mssSEi count! What's a mother ' Grand Prix race, folks, the car with the have to push a Deff? I mean, you were But Gott soared got to be proud of if and in the final lap, platform carrying lot faster if there the day Gott's 100 feet in the she can't lose both of it looks like the the Panovision I'm going to win brother died! Now, that Hair, turned over her sons in Grand Prix winner is going to be camera that filmed \ the next Grand was a spectacular crash! 8 times, burst race crashes!? ... yes, it is! the race! Prix race! nto flames and almost died!

Hi, Pete! You know, I'm separated from Gott, and I'm very lonely, and I have a room in this hotel, and I have something flimsy to wear, and a bottle of champagne on ice, and two glasses, and plenty of free time! So if you're not doing anything ... That's right, folks! It's I wanna say dat I am-a grateful to X \ She i\s a cold machine—V \lik e \ I will—Vi n f another Grand Prix race— the pit men, who change-a my tires my racing car! She has a two years, and I'm getting as sick of so quickly ... to the fuel men, who fuel pump for a heart, a or 50,000 them as you are! And here fill-a my tanks so quickly . .. and piston for a mind, and gas- miles... is the winner—handsome to the film editors, who end-a this she always has lots of gas! whichever young Needno Bardahli... boring racing sequence so quickly! comes first!

-irrsn t ( i r r c ' i Here's your car, Jean-Beware! The I am going Silly, girl! You know how Sorry for the delay, but we engine to win zees much I hate to race! Zat had one of those last minute Really? fell race for Good—but ees why I must drive fast minor adjustments to make! What out! you, Chemise! do me just —to get it over weeth! was it? one favor! Drive slow! LT ,, Or the race Well, the Grand n Are my ears playing Or is it that Wrong on all You may have won the Sounds Prix races are tricks on me? I'm really day­ to discover counts! You were Grand Prix, crumb—but awful! over for this Somehow I hear cars dreaming about one's inner- hearing the race you lost all your friends! There year, and here revving up—as that race that self? Is that to see who could Now, you'll just have to must be I am—standing if there were still every man what I hear? run over Pete be content with fame, a moral alone on the another race to runs—the race Arrogant! fortune, women, booze, here . . . deserted track! be run! for happiness? and a wild, swinging, somewhere! empty life! fkftoOMl BEHIND THE ODD-BALL DEPT.

<4& ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN

A FRATERNITY BACHELOR STAG PARTY WAS HELD FOR EUGENE FURD AT SYRACUSE UNIVERSITY... AND TO THE AMAZEMENT of-Hie GUESTS PRESENT,

A NAKED GIRL DID NOT JUMP OUT OFTHE ^ £7

BEARDED GREENWICH VILLAGE INTELLECTUAL WHO WEARS DIRTY WHITE SNEAKERS, HORN-RIMKAED GLASSES AND BLUE JEANS... HAS PARTICIPATED IN'EVERYPROTEST MARCH ANP RALLY HELD THERE... AND YET, HAS NEVER BURNED A DRAFT CARD/

EUGENE'S FRAT COULDN'T AFFORD A HUGE CAKE.' THEY DID, HOWEVER, fAANAGE TO GET A SMALL ... THAfS BECAUSE SANDY GLOPPSLIN6EK /SA GIRL.' eiRLTO JUMP NAKED OUT OF A CHEESE DANISH! She did, however, set fire "to her beard once,in protest"/ co/VTRApy ro POPULAR BELIEF. .. ITALIAN MEN DO NOT PINCH AMERICAN WOMEN ON JANUARY 12.* I9fc6, ON THE NBC TONIGHT SHOW, '& OVZ/ONTHEVIAVENETO GhA

! ' TOLD A JOKE... AND HIS SIDEKICK, ED McA/\AH0N PID NOT GET HYSTERICAL) THEY F/NCH THEM ALL OVER.' mvm msum,**yEARs 0F AGE' RETIRED TO FLORIDA ON *300 A f>AONTH... \i AND WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO LIVE DECENTLY ON THAT AMOUNT/

fi!» WAS ON VACATION AT THE 77ME...ANP WAS BEWG REPLACED BY JACK HASKELL ...WHO PID H/RAM ALBERT IS THE ALLIGATOR IN THE IVOTGETHYSTERICAL EITHER! PICTURE ABOVE! H/SOWNRR, SEEN WITH 48 HIM, DIED OF STARVATION WITHIN A YEAR! WHAT IS ONE HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS OF THE REALLY MAD FOLD-IN JMf Hippies who have taken psychedelic "trips" POSSIBILITIES claim that it is not possible to describe the wonders of it all. This could be very frustrating for most of you squares who are "too chicken" to try one. To find out what you may be missing, fold page in as shown. A^ FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT < B FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS

A REALLY FANTASTIC VOYAGE IS IN STORE FOR ANYONE

w^ten & D^n WH() TAKES A "MIND-BLOWING LSD TRIP". IT'S A GAY TINGLING RIDE ON A WILD, SPARKLING, COLORFUL ROCKET A* 4B ^^B "ANASTASIA is still a mystery! Was she real, or was she a fraud? - The same goes for sunglass lenses. Are they real, or a fraud? The difference can avoid eye damage!" ^^^*-\

^

Hv. ^^ k

"THE KING AND I were talking the other day, and he told me he had the same problem ... severe eye strain!" ' FM- fe "THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV was quite a novel. I read it in one sitting. Only if I hadn't been wearing these cheap sunglasses all the while, I wouldn't be half-blind now!"

Isn't that Yul Brynner behind those Finster Glints?

(No, it's a cheap imitation of Yul Brynner behind "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN-point those cheap imitations of good sunglasses!) check-up my opthalmologist gave me confirmed it: Prescription HERE are many kinds of double. He may look like the sun glasses for me from now on!" Tsunglasses. Some are real thing, but he's not. We made optically perfect, and couldn't afford the real Yul are quite expensive, while Brynner. So we got a cheap others just look like the imitation. Which is okay for real thing, but are actually an idiotic ad satire, but not cheap imitations. Like our when it comes to your eyes!

'ONCE MORE WITH FEELING, I say, 'Buy a good pair of sunglasses! It pays!'

"TARAS BULBA had it easy in his time. When the sun was bright, he had slaves hold an awning over him!"