OUR PRICE No. 85 March 25 c '64 CHEAP Aviz can't afford dirty plugs!

But we can afford sneaky plugs — like these ads! Ever notice how we cry the blues and tell how hard we try and make like the underdog? We got a clever reason for doing this! It's an old American tradition to root for the underdog. We figure you'll feel sorry for us, and give us your rent a car business. That way, we might get to be No. I! Then we can afford to be independent and rent unwashed cars with cigarette butts in the ash trays, and worn wipers, and dry batteries... and if you com­ plain, we can afford to say, "Nuts to you, Buddy!" Right now... it hertz to be No. 2! NUMBER 85 MARCH 1964 VITAL FEATURES

'"Jhe good thing about Rock 'n' Roll records is when they wear out, you can't tell the difference /"-Alfred E. Neuman

WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor

JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY DE FUCCIO, associate editors MARTIN J. SCHEIMAN lawsuits RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity "Smile! You're on GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, NELSON TIRADO subscriptions CANDID CAMERA!" CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS THE MINUTE the usual gang of idiots AFTER THAT DEPARTMENTS TV SHOW AND THE BANS PLAY ON DEPARTMENT IS OVER Famous Protest Campaigns 12 Pg.19 A WARD TO THE WISE DEPARTMENT The MAD Hospital Primer 37 BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of The College Crowd 22 CANDID CAMERAWORK DEPARTMENT THE A TV Ad We'd Like To See 36 COLLEGE CLAWS AND EFFECT DEPARTMENT CROWD The Rescue 18 Pg.22 DEPARTMENT At A Matinee 15 The Sunday Drive 26 7 The Hunter 48 IF yoose WANTS DOWNBEAST DEPARTMENT TO SERVE YOUR, Mannie Get Your Ghoul 4 COUMTR*.. FUTURE FUNNY PITCHES DEPARTMENT EDUCATIONAL Future Educational Comic Pamphlets 31 COMIC JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT PAMPHLETS Spy Vs. Spy 21, 30 Pg.31 Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 44 LETTERS DEPARTMENT ->3L£*» Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 MAID IN U.S.A. DEPARTMENT 0p A Strange Interlude With Hazey 45 THE MAD Ef?A>A MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT HOSPITAL Drawn-Out Dramas ** PRIMER 3 No. DEPARTMENT Pg.37 When They Use Numbers For Everything 27 STOP THE PRESSURES DEPARTMENT The Real Story Behind The News 40 ** THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CORN DEPARTMENT The Minute After That TV Show Is Over 19 WORD GAME PRESERVE DEPARTMENT A STRANGE MAD Beastlies 16 INTERLUDE **Various Places Around The Magazine WITH HAZEY MAD-March 1964 Vol. 1, Number 85, is published monthly except February, May, August and November, Pg.45 by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 in the U.S. Elsewhere, $2.50. Allow 6 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright 1963 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi- fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. YOU CAN TELL LETTERS DEPT. mmm ASCHNOOK

MAD WON'T MAKE THE SCENE

Enclosed is a photo of Bob "Maynard" BY THE COVER! Denver and me enjoying the latest issue of MAD on the set of "For Those Who Think Young". Incidentally, they shot a scene on the beach for the picture, and later discovered that one of the kids was reading MAD in a close-up, so they had to shoot the scene over. Lada Edmund, Jr. Hollywood, California

So camouflage your reading matter with ... MAD PAPERBACK BOOK COVERS Guess we're not as chicken as your pro­ ducers, Lada. We're running the pic and YOU GET EIGHT FULL-COLOR I AM TERRIBLY •MAD] letter plugging the movie even tho they COVERS LIKE THIS ONE ... EMBARRASSED BY ALL won't run the scene plugging MAD! — Ed.

STATEMENT OF OWNERSHIP, MANAGEMENT AND FREE CIRCULATION (act of October 23, 1962; Sec­ tion 4369, Title 39, United States Code) 1. IN THE LATEST Date of filing: Oct. 1, 1963 2. Title of Pub­ m lication: MAD 3. Frequency of issue: Monthly m except Feb., May, August & Nov. 4. Location of known office of Publication (Street, City, MAD ANNUAL O county, state, zip code): 850 Third Ave. NYC 10022 5. Location of Headquarters or General Business Offices of the Publishers (Not printers): 850 Third Ave. NYC 10022 ac 6. Names and addresses of Publisher, Editor, rti and Managing Editor: Publisher (Name and O m address) William M. Gaines-850 Third >• Ave. NYC 10022; Editor (Name and ad­ dress) Albert B. Feldstein-850 Third Ave. NYC 10022; Managing Editor (Name BODIES ON THE COVERS OF MYSTERY BOOKS— and address) None 7. OWNER (If owned UKE THIS ONE by a corporation, its name and address must be stated and also immediately there­ SO I'M HIDING IT AND PRETENDING TO READ under the names and addresses of stock­ holders owning or holding 1 percent or more norman MAILER of total amount of stock. If not owned by a corporation the names and addresses of the individual owners must be given. If owned by a partnership or other unincorporated firm, its name and address, as well as that of ON SALE NOW! each individual must be given.) E. C. Publi­ cations, Inc. 850 Third Ave. NYC 10022; Premier Corp. of Amer. 1410 Broadway AT ALL NEWSSTANDS NYC 10018; A. M. Sonnabend, 464 Com­ monwealth Ave. Boston, Mass.; Frank G. Binswanger, 1420 Walnut St., Phila., Penna., THAT ABOUT COVERS IT I was never so shocked as when I beheld your latest cover, and the word "SEX" CONGRATULATIONS ! ! ! ! ! Your blazing at me and my children—in fluo­ WHY December '63 issue's front cover is a mas­ rescent ink, yet! I have always considered terpiece of satire, and a telling comment your magazine suitable for my children, on the over-exploitation and over-mer­ but if you are going to become offensive chandising of "SEX" in our modern soci­ and lewd, I certainly will not permit this ety. MAD is about the most sexless maga­ publication in my house. You have shown KILL zine we've read. Keep them coming! extremely bad taste! Mr. & Mrs. N. Robinson Earlene Roberts Carmichael, California Chattanooga, Tennessee YOURSELF KHRUSHCHEV LOOK-ALIKE GIVES HIM THE CREEPS As a parent, I know MAD to be a mag­ bothered me. Khrushchev's look-alike, azine that has always kept its humor free Oscar Jordan, gives me the creeps. of smut, and so I enjoyed your clever and Bernard Zuch satirical front cover. But the back cover Cambria Heights, N. Y.

JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE ON THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO

That's funny! He didn't bother your Editor at all, as this photo will attest! — Ed. Address all correspondence to: MAD, Dept. 86, 850 Third Ave., N. Y., N. Y. 10022 AND GET 9 ISSUES FOR THE PRICE OF 8, OR 24 ISSUES FOR THE PRICE OF 20- Michael Daroff, 717 Fifth Avenue NYC States Code) 10022. 8. Known bondholders, mortgagees, MAILED RIGHT TO YOUR HOME! and other security holders owning or holding ——use coupon or duplicate ------1 percent or more of total amount of bonds, AVERAGE NO. mortgages or other securities (If there are COPIES EACH MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS none, so state) None. 9. Paragraphs 7 and 8 ISSUE DURING SINGLE ISSUE PRECEDING NEAREST TO 850 Third Avenue include, in cases where the stockholder or 12 MONTHS FILING DATE security holder appears upon the books of New York City, N. Y. 10022 A. TOTAL NO. the company as trustee or in any other fiduci­ COPIES PRINTED 1,891,062 2,286,983 ary relation, the name of the person or cor­ (Net press run) • I enclose $2.00.* Please enter my name on your sub­ scription list, and mail me the next 9 issues of MAD poration for whom such trustee is acting, B. PAID also the statements in the two paragraphs CIRCULATION • I enclose $5.00.** Please enter my name on your sub­ 1. TO TERM SUB­ scription list, and mail me the next 24 issues of MAD! show the affiant's full knowledge and belief SCRIBERS BY as to the circumstances and conditions under MAIL, CARRIER DELIVERY OR BY which stockholders and security holders who OTHER MEANS. 55,070 55,528 NAME do not appear upon the books of the com­ pany as trustees, hold stock and securities in 2. SALES THROUGH ADDRESS. AGENTS. NEWS a capacity other than that of a bona fide DEALERS OR CITY owner. Names and addresses of individuals OTHERWISE 1,374,010 1,718,220 who are stockholders of a corporation which C. FREE DISTRI­ STATE. Zip Code. itself is a stockholder or holder of bonds, BUTION (including mortgages or other securities of the publish­ samples) •Outside U.S.A., $2.50. "Outside U.S.A., $6.25. Please allow BY MAIL CARRIER weeks for your subscription to be processed. Check or Money ing corporation have been included in para­ DELIVERY, OR BY None None Order only—no cash accepted. graphs 7 and 8 when the interests of such OTHER MEANS. individuals are equivalent to 1 percent or D. TOTAL NO. more of the total amount of the stock or OF COPIES SATISFACTION securities of the publishing corporation. 10. DISTRIBUTED. (Sum of Lines Bl, This item must be completed for all Pub­ B2 and C) 1,429,080 1,773,748 GUARANTEED! lications except those which do not carry Yep, if somebody will only order a advertising other than the Publisher's own full-color portrait of MAD's "What- and which are named in sections 132.231, I certify that the statements made by me Me Worry?" kid, Alfred E. Neuman, and 132.233 POSTAL MANUAL (Sections above are correct and complete. (Signature we'll be satisfied, we guarantee! 4355a, 4355b and 4356 of Title 39, United of editor, publisher, business manager, or Mail 25c each to: MAD, Dept. "What- owner) William M. Gaines, Publisher Color?" 850 Third Ave., N.Y.C 10022 DOWNBEAST DEPT. EARS AGO, BROADWAY musicals were all about sweet, nice, young people living in a happy-go- lucky, wonderful world. Today, however, they're making musicals about thieves ("Oliver"), Yjuvenile delinquents ("West Side Story") gangsters and gamblers ("Guys and Dolls"), and the worst of all, business executives ("How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying"). Which makes us wonder: Why hasn't anybody done a show about the most unlikely people(?) of all—mainly, monsters? To show Broadway producers what can be done, here is MAD's version of a "Monster Musical" called ...

We're in trouble, That's right, Mannie! Sensational, did But, Mannie! Piffle! Monsters—as Mannie! Real Unless we come up with you say? Aha! I Aren't you will discover ACT1, trouble! None of something sensational, have it! We shall monsters through my following the stars we and fast—we might as handle the most sort of—er— song—are naturals! SCENE 1: handle is doing well close up shop! sensational stars unnatural!? In fact, they are a dime's worth in the movie SUPERNATURALS! The of business! business today: Offices MONSTERS of i Schlepper,. / Schnurrery I & Schlock, Theatrical Agents

Sung to the tune of "Doin' What Conies Natur'lly' mm m dU\1l » K?Sn

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You don't have to know how to make 'em swoon When Wolf man starts to clamor [ J When the Thing Actin' When you live in the middle of a Black Lagoon! Before his nightly prowl, ~l Starts slob-ber-ing super­ He may not have good grammar, In some cheap double feature, natur'lly! You don't have to know how to play a scene But he really has a howl! He shows real ability When you've got seven fingers and your skin is green! Actin' supernatur'lly! \ .

Sounds Not that we're Frankenstein Mummy's lips like a really sold! May muff a line Are sealed with strips great idea But agreeing While filming on location- Which block articulation to us, with you gives He's got talent, you'll agree, He relates to you and me Mannie! us our only Actin' supernatur'lly! in' supernatur'lly! chance to sing U in this musical!

You don't have to know Most vampires lack good breeding There's just Yeah! That's easy! how to play "Macbeth" And yet one fact is plain— one problem, All the Hello- When you're cast as a body If first they're not succeeding, Mannie! Where great American ones Airlines? coming back from death! They just try a different vein! are you going to get your are Get me a You don't have to worry monsters? retired! ticket on the if your profile's good Critics sneer next plane to When you start in to terrorize From year to year MONSTER a neighborhood! At Dracula's vocation- Actin' ACRES! He defies biology mrM Su­ Su­ Actin' supernatur'lly! pernatur'lly! pernatur'lly! 7^

ACT 1, SCENE 2: ». Outskirts of Monster Acres It vass I—Count A very unfortunate Dracula—at your Tell me, incident! Vun day, I So this is Monster Acres—where all the Perhaps I service! I vass why did vas making a movie! old movie monsters have retired! Maybe can help you! Who hovering overhead! you leave The director yelled, I can find someone to show me around— said Since my retirement Show "Cut!"—and I took that? from Show Business, Biz? him literally! I haf been driving a cab! Sort of— hacking avay! PLEASE! Don't use dot Ve are all retired now— void! Besides, I'm not e Creature's Black Saloon myself, the Wolfman, the ACT 1, SCENE 3: ™ If you're putting the bite on Mummy, the Creature, really up people anymore! I still Godzilla, Howard Keel! against it, have a belfry over my Just simple tradesmen, Drac, ol' head! Come, let's have a spending our last years boy, I could earning modest livings! drink at the "Creature's stake you! Black Saloon"! I vill drive you there by way of the main arteries!!

Why argue, fellas— S^ I like it No, it's not! when you could both here where be stars again! the living 1 —|Yes, it is! | Come on back to is better! Show Business! Just I find that sign this contract No, it's not! living and you'll be =^j Yes, it is! | bigger than ever! here's better No, it's not! for me!

"Sung to the tune of "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better"

I am not returning! I'll stay Lots of dough Come back to No, it's not! This you should be learning! retired, Hollywood— 'cause I say no! You'll like Yes, it is! Glamour queens will chase you! j I like it it better! Starlets will embrace you! Please give in! | No, it's not! better! You'll find Staying that retired Hollywood's is better better for you! There's not a thing Monster Acres can offer! Nothing you name can it offer to you!

Ahhh! Quiet You see, Mr. Schlock, Got no victims! Got no people He's got his 'em down the people all follow Got no prey! He's got his On my trail! kids in the yourself, ya my example here. And Still I'm hearing kids in the Still I'm moanin' morning big, over­ I have no intention those screams all day! morning a mournful wail! And his wife grown, good- of coming out of I got my kids at night! for-nothin' I got my kids And his wife retirement! I don't in the morning has-been! miss the good old in the morning at night! days at all, and I'll and my wife at night! and my wife at night! tell you why:

The Sun In The Morning And The Moon At Night" My life Got no voltage I've got my kids That does it! There's only one thing Now is an In my brain! in the morning left to do! The OLD monsters won't awful fright! Still I'm feeling He's got his And my wife perform anymore, so I'm gonna find My wife Like I'm insane! kids in the in the evening NEW talent! Somewhere—out there in Turns me a I got my kids morning this great land of ours is an unknown Each day- creature so gruesome, so ghoulish, so ghostly white! in the morning And his wife and-night !! appealing, that he will capture the and hearts of a gore-starved America! And I—Mannie Schlock—will find him!!

ACT 2, SCENE I! The Offices of Schlepper, Schnurrer & Schlock Finalist Okay! Do your Number One I'm a routine, and I hope you Yeah, running this Bah! Just think of the publicity we've gotten! -Shelley Monster we'll see how know what contest to discover Thousands of young Americans—each filled with Buryman! Comedian! funny you are! you're doing, | a new monster has cost| ambition, glowing with talent, and slightly in­ What's your Mannie! us a lot of money! human—have flocked to our doors to compete! And specialty, now, at last, we have narrowed the entrants down Shelley? to 3 finalists! All right! Send in the first boy!

Good evening, Actually, if Seriously, though, Last night, 1 told Okay, Buryman! Finalist I'd appreciate it if ladies and I look a bit I was reading this my boss at the That's—yecchh— Number Two you called me Sy! Get gentlemen! A stoned book about a graveyard that 1 enough, if you —Seymour it? Sy Clops! Heh-heh! funny thing tonight, it's Mummy—called was gonna quit, know what 1 mean! Clops! What's Anyway, my specialty is happened to me 'cause I've "Of Human and he said, "Have your dancing! I do a tap on the way to been working Bandage," and it a heart!"—so 1 II specialty, dance on 88 skulls that Next finalist... J the embalmers! the graveyard really choked me helped myself! To Seymour... ? are lined up like keys Ha-ha! shift! Ha-ha! up, if you know his—Ha-ha—if you on a piano! Each skull what I mean! know what 1 mean! Y is tuned to a different Ha-ha! f^ note of the scale! Finalist Number {£ They claim that And now I I'll try! Ah! A Over my I'll Three—Glenn explain will dance perfect "G" above dead being a star is marvelous Ghoul! Tell us, it to —Oh, Mercy middle "C"! If you body you Is marvelous, so they claim! Glenn, why do you— me! One of will just lie on will! They claim that you want to win with a my key the floor, Mr. meeting Jack Paar is marvelous- this contest? song! skulls is Schlock, I'll be Is marvelous, so they tell me! cracked! able to do "Tea For Two"!

Sung to the tune of "They Say That Falling In Love Is Wonderful'

Right here's a guy who knows he Okay! Okay! I've got that I'll be the new sensation Will wow them like Lugosi! So you wanna one little thing that's marvelous- Throughout the whole darn nation! I want to hear the be a big It's marvelous—really cool! And when I sing sound of that great applause, star! What's No monster's they'll let out a scream for more, your For, 'Cause- specialty? able to sing so marvelous— So marvelous, let me tell you! No monster's They claim that able to sing so marvelous- being a star is marvelous- Marvelous! Marvelous! Don't be a fool! That's why I came— I'm your Ghoul!! I want fame!

Great! I tnink Mannie's got his Ghoul—a great ACT 2 SCENE 21 Carnegie Hall-three weeks later Fabulous! new star—the world's first "Singing What do Monster"! Glenn, my boy, get ready to you think, hit the big time! In just three weeks, Mannie? you make your debut! r And now, Ladies »»„ The "Thing" that I bury Her nails will be pointed and gentlemen- Will have to be And in her claw Here he is—the A real Transylvanian monstrosity- She'll carry a skull great new The "Thing" for which I crave And a monkey's paw! sensation you've heard about— Will have two bloodshot eyes She'll be shriekin'— America's first Staring up from that grave! I Oozin'—leakin'— "Singing Monster," I With a body unbearably reekin'! IGLENN GHOUL!!! Unearthly and scary The "Thing" that I bury will be!

IThrow him out! W, op

VV

"Sung to the tune of "The Girl That I Marry'

There's no monsters These new monsters like "Pro" monsters- Ain't "true" monsters— Just no monsters we know! They've got nothing to show! We are twice as wonderful and gory— If you want to make a girl We can chill an audience like ice— feel pet-ri-fied— Holed up in some secret lab-ratory To make her scream With Peter Lorre and her eyes grow wide— Or Vincent Price! Tell her that next week she'll be the Wolfman's bride! What ho! Monsters, let's go!

"Sung to the tune of "There's No Business Like Show Business"

Those The There's no monsters We're great monsters—First rate monsters— little shrunken like "Pro" monsters- We're much more in the know! things head Just no monsters we know! One day you are living like a normal slob— that that Folks adore the Creature and Godzilla! You've got a wife and a steady job- monsters croaks Audiences know they can't go wrong- Then you drink a potion— love an Dracula Watching while an army tries to kill a and you're now the "Blob"! to awful takes Mixed-up gorilla What ho! do! cough! off! Who's called King Kong! Monsters... Let's... GO! AND THE BANS PLAY ON DEPT. Each time a new discovery, invention or idea is born, it has a twin...the "Protest Group." Now you may think that the Protest Group is a recent development. So did we, until we began digging into the past. And guess what we found? Yep, we found that whenever there was some new discovery, invention or idea, there was a group of people protesting it. Here, then, is MAD's gallery of

1000 B.C.-DAVID AND GOLIATH

ARTIST: WRITERS: & STAN HART

1450-GUTENBERG PERFECTS THE PRINTING PRESS 1492-THE SAILING OF COLUMBUS 1621-THE PURCHASE OF MANHATTAN 3. 7Bi. XX. €L Editor, Dutch Colonist's Gazette Strcistt}: Jtgaittat heedless Expkxratitms What's this Peter Minuit, some X4 ©amino ds Sranada Madrid, Spain kind of nut? who needs to spend an outrageous sum like $24 to Dear Member: buy a white elephant like Man­ hattan Island? Peter Minuit—last Vy now you have heard about the expedition King r erdinand ana Cjueen of the red-hot spenders —fast- Isabella are organizing to sail west to trie Indies, ft will be led by some un= talked by some slick Manhattan known explorer named Christopher Columbus and will cost about 2 miU Indians —Ha! Listen, fellow suckers, here's what you bought! lion pesos. While people are starving in this country, he s spending our A big nothing! In 200 years, there money on provisions. And just who is this Columbus anyway? Why won't be a farm on the entire island. We'll be the laughing should we taxpayers finance his silly theories; life claims the world is stock of the Colonies. People may round. Kound, schmound! Why should we pour peso after peso into the visit Manhattan, but they'll never treasury just to pay for the half=baked joy=ride of some third=rate sailor? live there! The whole place will probably shut down at 5 PM, and A sailor who probably has ugly tattoos, sings dirty songs, and chases you'll have to go to Yonkers for questionable women. Who is this Nina he s taking along on the trip, any* any fun. But it's not too late. Let's dress it up a little, and resell it to way; Who' s covering up; the British for $30! I'd be happy AsamemberofSAN.E., it is your duty to write to with a 25% return. Let's act now! Let's show those sharpie Indians jesties today. \\ that doesn t help, write to theH ouse Committee o fUn- that they're not dealing with a Spanish Activities. If we must send out expeditions, at least let s send out bunch of hicks from the Zuider a red=blooded Spanish boy instead of some foreigner! Zee!

frogressively, Van Lingle Glingle, Chairman Committee of One Hundred Carlos Carramba, I resident To Lynch Peter Minuit

1752-BEN FRANKLIN EXPERIMENTS WITH HIS KITE 1774-LAFAYETTE ARRIVES IN AMERICA

ttEHcwe AMERICA FOR 1°° .c< TWEyLLKV/At : WEW^ar*pL£NTy| . OUR. AMERICANS/ 300,000 ]GK£ATG£tf£RALS GO W>«* NEIGHBORHOODS POST #41 RI&HT NOVV/ DAV6HTEPS OF THE FRE5~>$ INDIAN WARS NOT To MENTION r/e c^ri vv/h a R€Vo/«t/onL 6e^e9KT

^fc. 5**a~ 1839-ABNER DOUBLEDAY 1876-ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL INVENTS BASEBALL INVENTS THE TELEPHONE

Women of Cooperstown! JOIN THE We, the undersigned residents of the 1600 block on Elm Street, Boston, Massachusetts, do hereby strongly pro­ test the so-called "experiments" now being conducted by Mother's March Mr. Alexander Graham Bell, who resides at 1605 Elm St. AGAINST THE DEMON Mil Mr. Bell does not hold down a regular job like other decent working citizens. Instead, he remains in the dank confines of his cellar, working on some mysterious .. BASEBAL.that insidious new "pastimeL " "invention". Late at night, strange buzzes and rings which is corrupting our sons by have been heard emanating from his laboratory. It is luring them away from honest work! rumored that Mr. Bell is making some kind of effort to push voices through wires. He must be stopped at once! Something like that could be very frightening—partic­ ^DESTROT ularly to women, and especially to teen-age girls! tats, balls, gloves and other Evil Tools of the Devil! CUlJl -^svft/e^- SAVE •n , /?+— y/ ff s^-r _,/ those time-honored American fL principles of Industry, 1921-MIAMI, FLORIDA Diligence, and Devotion to Mother! Editor, Miami Herald is built right on our lovely ocean front. -*-—<•>- It has been called to our atten­ The time to act is now! We tion that last year a Mr. must take a firm stand before Llewelyn Smeed of our glori­ Northerners start coming ous city took in a boarder from down here in droves and ruin f ATTEND ? New York for the Winter the real estate values of our months. This year, we under­ modest homes on the beach. Tuesday Night's Torchlight Rally stand that Mr. Smeed plans to Join our campaign today. Pre­ take in two boarders, and is serve the value of our land and Outside Town Hall Where Abner encouraging his neighbors to property! Doubleday Will be Hanged in Effigy! do the same. Where will this MIAMI CIVIC BETTERMENT LEAGUE (Only if we can't string him np in person 1) stop? First, it will be rooming President: Irving Fontainbleu houses, then tourist cottages, Vice-Pres.: Sidney Americana and then —we warn you —we Secretary: Louis Eden-Roc BINGO AFTERWARDS may live to see the day a hotel Treasurer: Melvin Deauville DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I AT A MATINEE WORD GAME PRESERVE DEPT. Writer Phil Hahn and artist , Jr. both insist that they were frightened by a dictionary at an early age... mainly last month at age 30. They further insist that practically every word f in said dictionary suggests an animal, if you'll only look. Personally, we think they're playing games with us... so we invite you to play, too! All you have to do is take a word, and dream up an animal it suggests — like the following... flunkey round robin bugaboo

pantaloon

flagon publican

16 crocus dogmatic

dynamite

boondoggle apex MM?

17 CLAWS AND EFFECT DEPT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CORN DEPT. So you think most TV shows are too long? Ha! Well, it so happens, smart alek, they're too short. The best things happen after the show. If they could stay on the air for one more minute, there'd be a lot more entertainment on the idiot-box. Understand? Well, take some time off from hating your parents, and we'll show you our version of-

ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: STAN HART THE GARRY MOORE SW You no-talent blob! You stepped on my best laugh Go ahead and hit of the night! Get this straight! If I can do with­ me, Gar—it out Carol Burnett, I can do without you! Remember, J always makes you feel better! Let's go over next week's assignments. We got a case of Scotch from the Iowa Chamber of Commerce, so Pete—your sister will write in to see the film, "Delightful Des Moines." We received a year's supply of razor blades, so Oscar—your cousin will ask to see "How Gillette Razors Are Made." And Phil—your grandmother will request "How a Modern Dairy Works, and we'll split that ton of cottage cheese from the Sealtest folks ...

me, James! I'm giving a dinner party for Ralph iche, and that dear Pablo Casals always arrive irly! Oh, I do hope the place cards are correct! 1111K! ast time, they spelled Walter Lippman's name wrong! Let's see, I think Rose Kennedy likes ichyssoise, but I'm not sure just how U Thant feels about Pheasant-Under-Glass . . . JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I

21 BERGS-EYE-VIEW DEPT. never went to college. We could say he attended the Col­ lege of Hard Knocks, graduating Summa Cum Loudmouth, but it'd be an old joke. Then again, Dave is an old joke. Anyway, the author of the forthcoming "MAD's Dave Berg Looks at the U.S.A." now turns his envious attentions to

Ahh, what can you Look at those Princeton You college punks What's | expect from these boys ... rioting again! ought to be ashamed eating of yourselves!! them? local yokels! Just another example of anti-intellectualism!

Well! This is, indeed, an Er . ..excuse occasion! James Shlep, who me, Professor has sat in class all term Porter, may I as if he were in a drunken go out and get 0 H ~ stupor, has finally raised a drink? his hand! Yes, Mr. Shlep? zr s s =^L_=^I

WRITER& ARTIST: DAVID BERG

Sure, Congratulate me, That's great! And while you're And also my S-Sure, Buddy-Boy! Buddy-Boy! 0 Honorable Now how about at it, can I also tab-collar They're all yours! It's all Roommate! I giving me back have my gabardine shirts, and And I guess THIS yours! have just been my corduroy slacks back? And my my ties, and is all yours, too! presented with jacket you've cashmere sweater? my socks ... a trophy at the been wearing "Senior Awards"! all semester! Okay, Liebman! We caught What are you trying to do, louse up the you this time, you sneak! class average? Wreck the curve?

My Judy is away at college. She's And yet, this wonderful child still overwhelmed with courses, studying manages, somehow, to find time to term papers, exams—besides leadinj write to her parents regularly, like a very active social life, what with clockwork. And such long, detailed dates, fraternity dances, rallies, letters, full of emotion . . . football games, sorority rushing .. .

Congratulations, young man! I represent the National We have a great starting Never mind all that! What kind Here you are—21 years old, Engineering Corporation. salary plan! We have a of a RETIREMENT PLAN newly-graduated from College, We are looking for bright wonderful step-by-step do you have? and ready to start out on a young men like you to join promotion plan, and long and promising career! our company and grow with us! we have a generous profit-sharing plan ... STOP THIS SHAVING CREAM I don't see Tom Heder Down in See, he is 98-99-100! ATTA FIGHT THIS INSTANT!! getting involved in the doing some­ BOY, TOM! YOU JUST such nonsense! By the laundry thing useful, BROKE THE RECORD!! way, where is he? room, while you're T2T Professor making fools Hallot! of yourselves!

One bad egg like you can spoil it Guys like you should be Please, fellas! Give me another chance! for the rest of us! You can take expelled from school! I swear I won't do it again! On my the fun out of going to college! honor—I promise I won't STUDY anymore! ~Z^

Janie! What are you I'm the But you've been I Failed!? But I'm a wash­ I'm the only girl doing home from worst on the Dean's failed! you're a out! A flop! in my Sorority College in the middle 'Straight A" student A big nothing. List for two who didn't get a of the semester? student! on campus! years! What are Fraternity Pin about? from a boy! —v—' DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II THE

WatcSUNDAh what you're doing Y DRIVE stupid! There's a curve ahead!

Honestly, Herbert! Can't you do anything right?! Heh-heh...thatwasa close one, eh, Dear? Your honor, I was doing 35 on Route 66 in my '34 Nash, when along No. DEPT. came this '35 Essex doing 80 which suddenly side-swiped me so that 2 seconds later I crashed into this '35 Ford V-8. This was at 10 minutes to 9, and because of it, I was late for my 16th birthday party!

ARTIST: WRITER: LARRY SI EGEL

Who are you soldier?] Pvt. 1st Class Herman Fiffner, Sir! Serial number 42069516! I'm in the 2nd Squad and what outfit of the 3rd Platoon of the 147th Mess Kit Repair Company, attached to the 4th are you with? Battalion of the 2nd Regiment of the 1st Division of the 30th Corps of the 6th Army!

Operator, I've been dialing 516-4599, Area Code 321, but I get I'm sorry, but when dialing 212-777-5151, no connection. I dialed "Information" at 321-555-1212 to you must also include the territory code check the number, but I couldn't get information. So I dialed 1232 and the planet code 2133, and also 212-777-5151 to get information on the right number the number 39756—which isn't really any to dial "Information" and— code but is just thrown in to confuse you a little more. When you dial all these numbers, you'll find that 212-777-5151 is not a working number. What's more, I'm not a working operator. I'm the cleaning girl. All the regular operators are at Shady Rest Sanitorium ... for obvious reasons!

Look, I'm not Mr. Zonk! I'm Mr. Fribble! I Special Delivery Letter, Mr. Zonk! Sorry it took 47 days to arrive, sent the letter! You probably got mixed up but the sender put your ZIP CODE number—10965—after Recently, because we have the same ZIP CODE you street address instead of after your state, so instead of the U.S. number! But never mind! I'll deliver it to living on East 25th Street, we thought you lived on East Post Office Zonk myself! He lives across the street... 2510965th Street. Since there's no such street, we checked Department to see if you lived on West 2510965th Street, but someone . . introduced its new ZIP CODE system, and numbers became impossible!

Now that society is on this wild "Numbers Kick", it'll only be a matter of time before numbers work their way into every part of our lives. In fact, here is... What Could Happen... 27 • • • When They Use Num

Hello! I'm Hi, 890132 Hello 890132, Say, I once had 890132! I'd land 432675! |432675, 72056, a boy friend like you to This is my and 79802! named 6059837— meet my wife, husband, I'm confused! or maybe it was 432675 . .. 72056 and a laundry ticket! I'm 79802! I forget which!

3-zee!? What kind of a silly number is that for a grown man? Did you Did read the Hollywood best-seller, change Well, '6701 216"? it much? actually I guess so! it's only For one thing, my nick- they called it, number! "6802 317"? bers For EVERYTHING

1 Okay, okay! I don't know! Fresh! I never Let's just Anglo-Saxon number, my I 1776! What Hum the first 3578927 with 35789 till foot. His real number a nice Shay, shweetie!| few numbers and someone I is 17768904572! When we get to |Anglo-Saxon Can you—hie— he came over from Europe, I'll fake it! just met! know each number play, "235678, he shortened it! other better! 1 you have! My 5896 Baby?"| JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II FUNNY PITCHES DEPT. It's a fact that more people read the comic strips than any other feature in the daily newspapers. Why is this? Because most people don't understand them other features! For this reason, famous cartoonists are now being hired by worthy organizations to produce comic pamphlets with important messages. These organizations figure that if someone like Dr. Salk explains how necessary it is to take polio shots, nobody will understand him, but if Little Orphan Annie explains it, the whole thing will make sense. Obviously, they feel that the masses cannot identify with a distinguished scientist, but they can identify with an ageless, glassy-eyed idiot. Anyway, here are a few comic pamphlets recently published by non-profit and government organizations:

Y0«STA« DEMENT Of MENTAL HYOKN*

POGO PRIMER FOR PARENTS (TV DIVISION)

Amirica's Moved BUMS1EAD Family. * WALT KELLY •.SSWS5S. :SKSSS-

This pamphlet is put out by the N. Y. This one is issued by the U.S. Dept. This comic book pamphlet is published State Department of Mental Hygiene, of Health, Education and Welfare, and by the Planned Parenthood Federation and explains how very important good shows the necessity of establishing of America, and illustrates the value mental health is to our daily living. sensible TV viewing habits for kids. of planning a family intelligently.

Well, we don't know how successful these comic pamphlets have been for educational purposes, but we do know where a trend like this can lead if we're not careful. Mainly, we may be seeing these...

31 ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD WRITER: LARRYSIEGEL THE SOCIETY OF PLASTIC SURGEONS presents

rWHY AREN'T WE FRIENDS,' TELL ME, BROW--1 ®o@cs mimi TRACY? WHY AM I ALWAYS, HAVE YOU EVER TRYING TO KILL YOU, THOUGHT OF SEEING in an important public service pamphlet INSTEAD OF CLASPING YOUR FRIENDLY YOU TO MY CHEST IN FAMILY PLASTIC WARM, MASCULINE SURGEON? CAMARADERIE ?

BUT WHAT DON'T YOU SEE, BROW?^ DO My UGLy BECAUSE yOUR BUMPS BUMPS HAVE ARE UGLY yOU HATE TO DO WITH yOURSELF-AND IN TURN, MY EVIL yOU TRANSFER THIS BEHAVIOR? HATRED TO OTHERS',

ONCE YOUR BUMPS ARE REMOVED, YOU'LL LOVE ^ rFOLKS, WHY LOOK U

FAIR, WALSH/ I'M FROM THE IT'S Guys LIKE you mo in a vitally important propaganda leaflet INTERNAL REVENUE ARE RUINING THIS GREAT I'M HERE TO PICK UP TAXES SPORT.' BUT WE'LL TAKE SMASH MIM, JOE' BELT WM 'TIL HE HEMORRHAGE^] ON THIS FIGHT WHEN IT'S CARE OF YOU ,., JUST AND MIS BRAINS S9\ll ALL OVER THE RING/ OVER... AND NOTHING YOU SHOW THE PUBLIC WHO ADORES >"OLl THAT YOU'J?E STILL THE MASTEf? OF THIS. MANKIND'S /MOST NOBLE 5P0RT SINCE TWE GLORIOUS wLION-CHRlSTIAN" TUSSLES IN THE KO/VAAN COLOSSEUM/

IF SOMEONE WOULD ONLy COME TO OUR RESCUE AND PROTECT THIS MONEY,. WAIT/ LOOK/ HERE THEY COMB! WE'RE SAVED BY THE CAVALRY* OF THE MOBSTER BOXING PROMOTERS OP AMERICA/

SINCE WE OWN A THANK YOU, WHAT ROTTEN so wwy DON'T ALL you YOUNG I...DUH... PIECE OF RALOOKA, MR. MOBSTER/ LUCK/MOBSTERS FELLOWS BECOME BOXERS? LUV DE WE'RE TAKING OUR THAT LEAVES^ NEVER PAY^ BOXING TAKES VOL) OFF THE |SOUN' OF SHARE OF THE PURSE JOE#14.« TAXES/ IT'S EVEN DIRTY, SMELLY STREETS AND DE OcOWD FOR NARCOTICS, IT'LL BE A UN-AMERICAN PUTS yOU IN DIRTY, 5MELLY, DURIN' SLOT MACHINES, BREEZE TO DISCUSS IT GYMS! AND THE WAY. DE FIGHT. COMMISSIONER- PAYING TAXES WITH THEM/ MOBSTERS OPERATE, AN' DE BRIBING, AND OTHER ON THAT/ CURSES/FOILED YOU'LL NEVER HAVE Ti BIRDIES INCIDENTAL AGAIN/ WORRY ABOUT TAXES/ AN' DE BOXING EXPENSES/, JOE, WHAT HAVE YOU CH/MES GOT TO SAY ABOUT APTER- BOXING AFTER YOUR JMARPS/ 32G™ FIGHT,

s a fe> PLI THE UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE presents

in an exciting enlistment brochure

FELLOW AMERICANS, AS WE COAWAHNPEfMN-CWEF, I HAVE AHSKED POPEyE, THE POPULAR COmc STRIP SAILOR,TO TELL YOU ABOUT _/*~~* THE APVAHWTAGES OF /MAKING A CAREEAH W\A«oy IN ONE OF OUR NATIONS MOST GLAMOROUS I THERE, BRANCHES OF THE ARMEP SERVICES.,, y4%. MATES/

34 THE ASSOC. Of AMERICAN MARRIAGE COUNSELORS presents UfflBW WsXJffllH in a heart-warming cartoon document

FIT'S NO USE, MARVIN/ I SPENT THREE "THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN WELL, XOU DON'T WE CAN'T dO ON LIKE MONTHS WITH YOUR BROUGHT TO yOU By THE THINK THEY'RE THIS/ SOMETHING HAS MOTHER BEFORE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICAN GOING TO HELP HAPPENED TO OUR MARRIAGE CAME HERE, 5HEILA-- MARRIAGE COUNSELORS, TYOU R MARRIAGE OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS SO DON'T BOTHER/ WHOSE AIM IT IS TO SHOW IN AN IDIOTIC AND I CAN'T PUT MY FINGER SHE WENT HOME HOW MISERABLE MARRIAGE 7 FREIN E PAMPHLET- ON IT/I'M GOING HOME. TO HER MOTHER' CAN BE ,.. EVEN IN A AND LOSE ALL THAT TO MOTHER/ HOUSE OF LOVE/ POTENTIAL BUSINESS -DO you? w CANDID CAMERAWORK DEPT. ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO TV AD WE'D LIKE TO SEE

... and especially my husband's And you'd shirts! You know how grimy and recommend Lands sakes, yes! My wash I have a greasy the collars can get... TYDE to all never looked so good or surprise with lipstick and all! Well, housewives, smelled so clean before I for you, TYDE gets them really clean! Mrs. Fungus? started using TYDE... Mrs. Fungus! A WARD TO THE WISE DEPT. fh Every year, 1 out of 3 families has someone in the hospital. In case you haven't made it in the past 2 years, we don't want you to be ignorant when you make it this year. Since you probably believe you know how hospitals work from watching TV (which is typical of your muddled thinking!), we'd like to clear the air with

rui Lesson 1 JL ENTERING THE HOSPITAL See the Emergency Room. See the patient who has just arrived. See him lying beside the Admitting Desk. See him writhing in pain. Oooooh! Owwwww! Oyyyyye! mm Medical science cannot help him. Medical science cannot relieve his suffering. Not until he produces his Blue Cross Card!

ARTIST: WRITER: STAN HART

Lesson 2 THE HOSPITAL ROOM

See the hospital room. See all the clean white sheets. Why are they over one patient's face?

See the hospital bed. See the nurse crank it up. It bends in the middle. The patient in it wishes he could bend in the middle. Mainly because he is lying on his stomach.

Try and find a comfortable position. Twist! Turn! Scrunch! There's a patient who has found a comfortable position. He is in traction.

See the button near the bed. Try pressing the button. Nothing will happen. What is the button for? Maybe it lights up the Christmas tree on the White House lawn. Lesson 3 BEFORE THE OPERATION See the patient on the night before his operation The doctor tells him to relax. He says, "Get your mind off it! Watch TV!" The patient watches "Ben Casey." The patient watches "Dr. Kildare." He watches them perform operations exactly like his— Unsuccessfully. The nurse gives the patient an injection to make him sleep. But he cannot sleep. Is it anxiety? Is it tension? No, it is his backside. The injection hurts too much to let him sleep.

Lesson 4 THE OPERATING ROOM See the patient on "Opening Day." He is awakened at 6 A.M. for his operation. Operations always take place in the morning. Afternoons are reserved for funerals. In the operating room, everyone wears a mask. This prevents infections. This also prevents the patient from discovering that his doctor overslept and didn't show up. A 3rd year medical student will perform the operation instead. See how nervous the patient gets just because the doctor asks, "Is the appendix on the right side ... or the left side?"

Lesson 7 THE NURSES See the overcrowded hospital. See all the people in the corridors waiting for beds. It is important to get these people beds. They have just come from the operating room. See the busy nurses. Busy, busy, busy. Nurses are wonderful people. They are very democratic. Nurses don't care about a person's color Or his nationality, or his religion. They ignore everybody. Sometimes a rich person hires a private nurse. The private nurse's job is easier. She has only one person to ignore.

Lesson 8 THE HOSPITAL FOOD Hospitals are noted for perfectly balanced meals. On the one hand, no grease. On the other hand, no taste. You can play "fun games" with hospital food. Games like "Fish or Fowl." It is simple to play. Just close your eyes, take a bite, and guess- Was it fish or fowl? Usually, it is hash. So you're right either way. Lesson 5 THE OPERATION

See the surgeon. See how careful he operates. He is a dedicated doctor. He is also a smart doctor. He knows a dead man cannot write a check. See how fast the doctor works. Why does the dedicated doctor work so fast? He is late for his golf game. Soon he will stitch up the patient. Years ago they used regular stitches. But those hurt when they were removed. Today they use dissolving stitches. These hurt when they dissolve.

Lesson 6 THE WAITING ROOM

See the waiting room. See the patient's family in the waiting room. Feel their tension during the operation. At last the doctor comes out. He announces, "The appendix operation was a success!' See the patient's family start to cry. Why are they crying? Is it because their tension is relieved? No, it is because the patient entered the hospital for a gall bladder operation. V_

\rUtw

Lesson 9 THE VISITORS See all the visitors. They sit on the patient's bed. They eat all his cookies. They make light, carefree talk. With each other. The patient wishes the visitors would talk to him. But they won't. They are visiting the patient in the next bed.

Sometimes the fellows from the office drop in. They try to cheer up the patient. They tell him not to worry about business. They tell him that his assistant is doing a great job. Everyone at the office sends regards. Except the boss. He doen't realize the patient has not been at work. Soon, the nurses tell the visitors to leave. They are tiring the patients. How can she tell, They have all begun to cry. 39 STOP THE PRESSURES DEPT. Despite that corny old cliche: "Don't believe everything you read!", most people blindly accept the stories that are printed in our daily newspapers as the whole truth. They still think that the news comes to them undistorted—printed by fearless editors and dedicated The REAL story

HERE IS A HOT ITEM THAT UNFORTUNATELY, A SPACE PROBLEM PREVENTED THIS WAS ALL READY TO GO ... STORY FROM APPEARING IN ITS ENTIRETY DUE TO A LARGE AD WHICH WAS PLACED AT THE LAST MOMENT: Doctor Group Proves Definite Link Between Get More Out Of Life With Your Smoking And Cancer FAVORITE CIGARETTE!

NEW YORK CITY-NOV. 17 (INS) Undisputed proof linking smoking with cancer was offered today by the Fact Finding Committee of the American Medical Association at its New York Convention. 2500 doctors listened to the report that took two years to compile, using the most exacting and comprehen­ sive scientific testing techniques. Reporters and journalists from all over the world assembled to hear and report on this historic scien­ tific pronouncement to their read­ ers. "There is no longer any room for controversy," stated Dr. Quincy Meyer, committee chairman. "The facts are clear and irrefutable!"

Today's cigarettes are the finest ever made! Rich, satisfying tobaccos, pure filters, and air-conditioned papers make smoking a delight. When you're worried and tense, light up a cigarette and your troubles will soon be over! National Council of Cigarette Manufacturers

AMA HOLDS CONVENTION IN N.Y. The A.M.A. held the first session of garbled report on the effects of smoke its annual convention behind closed inhalation. But a reliable source ex­ Doctors throwing away cigarettes after doors today. Persistent rumors were plained the rumor. "You know how taking pledge to stop smoking. They also widely circulated that Fact Finding fellows are when they go to conven­ vowed to discourage patients from smoking. Committee chairman, Dr. Quincy tions," he said. "A couple of drinks, Meyer, had presented a somewhat and they're liable to say anything!" 40 publishers. Well, we got news for all you naive clods: Newspapers are in business to make money! They have other considerations, aside from reporting events as they happen! To give ARTIST: BOB CLARKE you the right slant on what's going on, MAD salutes our courageous newspapers with . . . WRITER: STAN HART behind the news

SCHEDULED FOR BURIAL SOMEWHERE IN THE PAPER WAS THIS STORY...

ised -. 1 ere WOMAN JOSTLED IN TRAIN RIDE ula iing Mrs. Emaline Nurk, 73, was jostled loss of a tooth-filling. cl incy while riding on the old O&M Railroad "It was loose anyway!" smiled Mrs. 1 i /hat today, when she foolishly attempted Nurk. "My dentist will fix it easily," ort noke to change her seat as the train she added as she got off the train Bu- e ex- rounded a sharp curve. Apparently at the next stop to keep her tennis r' how the only injury she suffered was the lesson appointment. \v iven- ait ;nks. BUT SOMETIMES, A SMALL STORY CAN EXPAND-UNDER PRESSURE AGED LOCAL WOMAN TRAVEL SURE! TRAVEL IN TRAIN DISASTER FLYK.L.M.N. JET! Immediate Investigation Demanded Mrs. Emaline Nurk, affectionately known It's the as "Aunt Emma," narrowly avoided death today in one of the worst local railroad disasters in a decade. The frag­ modern ile septuagenarian was riding on the obsolete O&M railroad when she was way to go! violently thrown to the floor of her car. The tremendous impact loosened some­ K.L.M.N. thing in her head, and she will require immediate medical attention and obser­ Jets fly vation. The shock obviously affected Mrs. Nurk's mind, for she was heard to above the mutter incoherent words about learn­ ing to play tennis. She is 73 years old! Some of the questions being asked of weather for the O&M management are: Why was an old lady forced to stand during her a smooth ride? How, in this day and age of mod­ ern convenient fast travel, can a rail­ safe ride road remain so primitive? Why doesn't the O&M sell travel insurance like all the way! other medias of transportation—even though the premiums would be high since the risk is so great?

SCENE OF SHOCKING TRAIN DISASTER HERE IS A HOT ITEM THAT BUT BEFORE THE STORY WAS PRINTED, IT HAD TO BE WAS ALL READY TO GO ... SLIGHTLY REWRITTEN-DUE TO THE FOLLOWING ITEM:

LOCAL MERCHANT Our Misfortune is Your Good Fortune! CAUGHT SETTING S SAVE HIS STORE ABLAZE Aye GIANT Mr. Elmo Zorpe, owner of Zorpe's |*ONE* Cut-Rate Department Store, was NVONEY discovered setting fire to his own establishment late last night. S Facing bankruptcy due to a AVE recent sharp drop in business, SAVE FIRE Zorpe was obviously trying to collect the Fire Insurance money. MONEY At 1:35 A.M., a neighbor saw flames coming from the back room of the Zorpe store and SALE! turned in the alarm. When the EVERYTHING MARKED DOWN!!! Fire Department quickly re­ sponded to the call, they dis­ MEN'S SUITS covered Mr. Zorpe throwing gas­ oline on the fixtures and stock. were $150 NOW $65 Luckily, the fire was soon (some with minor gasoline stains) brought under control, consider­ ing the fact that the store is WOMEN'S COATS located next to the city's huge were $95 NOW $47. 50 natural gas storage tank. Zorpe was quickly hauled off (some with oily rags in pockets) to Police Headquarters for ques­ THESE ARE ONLY A FEW OF THE tioning. GIANT FIRE SALE BARGAINS WE WILL BE OFFERING IN THE WEEKS TO COME. WATCH FOR OUR SPECIAL ADS EVERY DAY IN THIS PAPER! CUT-RATE DEPARTMENT ZORPE'S STORE Merchant Heroas StoreBurns Elmo Zorpe, local merchant, saved this city from total destruction when he smelled smoke coming from the back room while locking up his store last night. When he rushed in to investigate, Elmo found himself facing a wall of flame. Grabbing what he thought was a can of water, Mr. Zorpe tried to douse the fire. Unfortunately, the can contained gasoline. However, Zorpe remained on the scene, brave­ ly battling to keep the conflagra­ tion from spreading next door to the city's natural gas storage tank, Elmo Zorpe, Heroic Citizen and creating a holocaust. Finally, the Fire Department arrived and We know that incumbent Mayor the blaze was brought under control. E. Richard Muckler, who is seeking Acknowledging his heroism, Zorpe this paper's endorsement for re­ Elmo Zorpe, caught in the act of arson. was given a police escort through election, will see fit to honor our town. brave fellow citizen, Elmo Zorpe. 42 SOMETIMES, ADS AREN'T THE ONLY THINGS THAT INFLUENCE STORIES...

GRANDFATHER STRUCK BY HIT-AND-RUN DRIVER Last night, a dastardly crime was committed in our city. Mr. Herbert Givney, an 85 year- old grandfather, was run down by a speeding hot rod while crossing Elm St. The car turned the corner at 70 miles per hour and knocked the helpless Mr. Givney 100 feet onto a neighbor's lawn. Instead of stopping to help, the vicious hit-and-run criminal fled the scene at 100 miles per hour. When informed of the accident, Police Chief Alonzo Grunk stated, "We are going to put a stop to this wild reckless driving on our city streets once and for all!" He pledged an all-out search for the culprit. Spot where brutal hit-and-run crime was committed.

F'RINSTANCE, THIS TELETYPE ITEM RESULTED IN A QUICK RE-WRITE...

1245 GHAR-- f GIVNFY HIT AMD RUN FOLLOW-UP. • .NEW FACTS BROUGHT TO LISHT r DRIVER OF CAR POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED AS JOE POLODNEY, JR. . . SON OF JOSEPH POLODNEY, PRESIDENT OF LOCAL 103, INTERNATIONAL TYPOGRAPHERS UNION. . .BOY HAS CONFESSED ALL TO POLICE. . . ADMITS TO PFTNG DRUNK WHILE DRIVING. . .""ORE TO FOLLOW. . .30 r Careless Pedestrian Causes Accident While cautiously driving home after choir practice last night, Joseph Polodney, Jr. barely avoided a seri­ ous accident when senile Herbert Givney dashed in front of his car. Luckily, Polodney swerved, narrow­ ly missing the 85 year old reprobate, catching him by the tie, and gently wafting him to safety on a nearby lawn. When Givney's neighbors were questioned about the accident, they stated that the old man had been despondent in recent weeks, and seemed suicide prone. This de­ sire to end his life was thought to be the motive behind his criminally thoughtless act. When informed of the near trag­ edy, Police Chief Alonzo Grunk stated, "We are going to put a stop to this wild careless jay-walking on our city streets once and for all!" He pledged an all-out war on pedes­ trians. Clean cut Joseph Polodney, Jr. being congratulated by his father, Pres. of Typographers Union. THREAT OF NEWSPAPER STRIKE ENDS TYPOGRAPHERS UNION AND MANAGEMENT AGREE ON TERMS The threat of a prolonged newspaper strike was ended today contract containing a five-year "No-Strike" clause, with no when members of the Typographers Union agreed to a new work additional raises or fringe benefits for the entire period. JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART III

44 MAID IN U.S.A. DEPT. Psychologists tell us that we each have two different personalities: One which shows our true feelings, and the other which we present to the outside world. The latter is called a "personna" or mask. Now, suppose we could see behind these masks into people's real feelings? Interesting, no? Eugene O'Neill did it in a play called "Strange Interlude", but there were hardly any laughs in it. That's because he wasn't looking behind the masks of people we all know. Now, MAD lets you take a look behind the masks of some people... some pleas­ ant people ... some sickeningly pleasant people that we all know—in this... STRANGE INTERLUDE with HAZEY ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: STAN HART

Actually her cooking stinks, but I I wish George It's so uplifting for need her to solve all my problems! wouldn't eat so much a Broadway star like Last week I fired my lawyer! Why His face is beginning me to work as a menial should I pay someone $25,000 a year to lose even the servant for two when I can get the same legal advice little shape bit players from plus my house cleaned for $45 a week? it once had! Grade "B" pictun 3.,

Since Hazey came to work for us, Georgie Messy works hasn't said two words to me . . . and she real hard- came 10 years ago! I don't think there's staying home room in one house for two feminine all the time personalities! One must go! The question to make sure is: Which one? Hazey... or Georgie? I don't steal!

Oh, Hazey, Harried, this is Just you march I'm glad to meet Hi, Joe! Say, that lohnny took America! And in a right out there, for you! I always like bowling alley is in my ball and democracy, people do Pete's sake, and to see who Hazey a tough part of won't give not take things away make him give it goes out with! town! I'm glad I'm from other people! it back! back to you! You're fine! So going with you! You common and crude! need the protection! Hazey, your fudge made everything all right again! Don't worry about a thing, Georgie!

Now how did that work? on the brink of economic collapse, and one lousy piece of fudge cured it all! Well, I won't knock it! Being in this series may not be prestige work, but at least it's steady!

Georgie, I must talk to you! You So that's who don't pay any attention to me you are! I anymore! It's always "Hazey this" wondered why and "Hazey that"! We're drifting you were apart! What's happened to us? always hanging You can tell me! I'm your wife!! around here! —

| Well, that's my big scene for the month! I'm glad Messy I'll spend the next three weeks trying had that dramatic to run around Hazey, trying to get on outburst! It proved camera! She blocks me out like a Green she's even a worse Bay Packer tackle! actor than I am! DON MARTIN DEPT. PART THE HUNTER

I// V ^S HI One sensuous blast from this "cow" horn... and \J every "bull" within earshot will come running!

S^^f^^ "*£2^k The Berg Are Coming!i

«vv YES.-- ?» MAD's Dave Berg, the creator of MKDB "The Lighter Side of " are coming out with his very own paperback book— LOOKS „ a collection of ALL-NEW AT THE _4l^y^ "BERG'S-EYE VIEWS"! U.S.A- j -4i^^>,^M M^ oQ^&o.

40* So reserve your copy T\. now...mainly because \ FLOt*p*^> Dave would love to fly <£T "^ South for the Winter!

47 YOC/f? FAVORITE BOOKSTAND—OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 50$ use coupon or duplicate

ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: MAD • The MAD Frontier • MAD In Orbit POCKET I ENCLOSE 35C FOR EACH DEPARTMENT 850 Third Avenue New York, N. Y. 10022 ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: • The MAD Reader • The Organization MAD PLEASE SEND ME: • MAD Strikes Back Q Like MAD • Inside MAD • The Ides of MAD NAME • Utterly MAD Q Fighting MAD MAD'• S • The Brothers MAD Q The Voodoo MAD ADDRESS. Dave Berg D The Bedside MAD Q Greasy MAD Stuff • Son Of MAD • Don Martin Steps Out CITY Looks At The U.S.A. • Don Martin Bounces Back I ENCLOSE STATE. I ENCLOSE 50C FOR EACH 50e Zip Code. Check or Money Order only-No Cash Accepted On orders outside the U.S.A., add 10% extra This capsule made $47,895,252.38

1 BY LESTER

Millions of dollars in research went in­ And what is even more remarkable is that to impugn our motives. They claim that to the creation of this drug. But it was this fantastic record was compiled by a we're not so much interested in saving peanuts compared to the really expensive relatively unknown and untested drug. It lives as we are in making money. They part—Advertising it! Those brochures in sure shows you the effectiveness of our claim that the wonderful capsule shown 83 glorious colors, including silver and promotion, the faith doctors have in us, here could be sold for 1.3(5 instead of gold, that we send every doctor cost us and the power of a well-placed article 89(5 and still allow a reasonable profit. $7.83 each. You can see what this can in Reader's Digest. Let's hope that there So what! If the American public wants to run into when you consider the AMA has are no unpleasant "side-effects" to mar pay 89^ instead of 1.3(5 for a capsule, over 200,000 members and each one gets this hea'rt-warming beginning. that's their privilege as a Free People, a brochure with a load of free samples. We are proud of this dedicated and and no Un-American agitators should try But it was all worth it. Believe it humanitarian role that we, the members to stop them. We don't want no "Commie- or not, 33 days after the drug appeared of the Drug Manufacturers Association, type Socialized Drug-Selling" here! on the market, the original investment play in every American citizen's life. All right, all you 100%-Americans out of $3,517,103 was completely recouped Sure there are grumblers, malcontents there! Let's hear it for the 100%-Amer- and we began to spoon in the pure gravy. and Congressional investigators who try ican Drug Manufacturers Association!

This advertisement is sponsored by that dedicated bunch of swell guys, all members of the Drug Manufacturers Association, whose aim it is to keep coming up with newer drugs at higher prices.