Ya’ve gone too far! What is this WORDS FROM THE nonsense?”

Hold up there pal. Assuming WIZARD this album is as tame as it’s ON APRIL 17th HOUSE TARG cover would be a grave mistake, because while this album may TURNS TWO not be heavy or noisy like many and we couldn’t be more proud – huge of the things I review here, it still thanks goes out to everyone who rocks harder than a lot of what I contributes to our daily mix of killer live shows, have reviewed, and I’ve had it in delicious handmade perogies and classic arcade action – constant rotation lately. This is your support is priceless and we are forever in debt to the the Ä rst album by this psychobilly wonderful community that brings us together. Two years trio, and is essential listening for has gone by in the wink of an eye – daily challenges are met anyone who digs good ole rock n with a mix of nervous anticipation, conÄ dence and childish roll of any kind. glee as we continue to work tirelessly in order to bring you an entertainment destination like no other - welcome to the The Ä rst track “Bullet” is an instrumental (aside from the Rev’s House of TARG year 2!!! Join us on Sunday April 17th for our occasional shrieks), and sets the very special 2 year anniversary. We will be introducing a new tone for the whole album. It starts perogi to the menu + limited edition TARG Year Two 3/4 sleeve oɈ a bit murky and mysterious, rock shirts will be available for purchase & when nite falls it’s but quickly the psycho aspect of time for a special TOUGHEN UP! FREEPLAY PARTY and you psychobilly soon comes into play are invited – let’s get wild! with the Rev’s signature rockabilly style shredding (with of course the - YOGI added level of punk weirdness and intense vibes).

A theme through this album which REVEREND HORTON HEAT keeps it consistently entertaining Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em (and which diɈ erentiates Label: Sub Pop psychobilly from rockabilly in my Year: 1990 mind) is the frantic soloing and the aggressive and yet simultaneously HOLD UP… I KNOW cartoony songwriting. WHAT YER THINKING. Smoke ‘Em is an album that I can Now, if ya don’t know the ole highly recommend regardless of Rev but yer familiar with my what particularly subculture of rock reviews, you may see this cover n roll you consider yourself a part and think to yourself, “ Ya done of, the Rev will be sure to enthrall gone soft on us bud! What’re you with his brand of high octane ya doing? This doesn’t look like weirdo rockabilly licks. crust, noise, punk, OR metal!!! SKA JEFF’S HI-FIVES: THIS MONTH WE’RE DOING MY TOP 5 FAV SPORTS THEMED PINS. IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I’M NOT A HUGE SPORTS FAN, BUT THESE PIN’S ARE AWESOME AND A LOT OF FUN TO PLAY.

#5. WWF ROYAL #4. GRAND PRIX RUMBLE (Data East - (Williams - 1976) Love NEW GAME AT TARG: 1994) Great game with the spinners and the some tricky little shots, two independent AUTOMATED TELLER a nice long ramp shot bonus ladders. Great MACHINE on the left, and the mini tournament game!. TOP PICK playfi eld adds a good touch. We just call this cool new vid SHAQ ATTAQ “ATM” for short. You must use (1995 - Gottlieb) an Interac® Debit card to get things rolling. It’s a challenging This is my fav. game that requires the player Love the play to recall a 4 digit pin number. If fi eld and actual you are successful (& have the required credits loaded on yer moving basket, card) ATM will dispense pieces of located under the rectangular green paper featuring stadium dome rad pics of the Queen of England that challenges on them. These can be exchanged players. for delicious perogies & beer. We hope you have fun playing it & fi nd #3. VOLLEY (Gottlieb #2. MONDAY NIGHT it convenient because we got it so - 1976) Tennis anyone? FOOTBALL (Data East - that our Elixir Wizards can give you This one is addictive and 1989) Awesome pin. The faster/better service at the bar. yet has simple rules that fi eld goal ramp is a cool are hard to accomplish feature and I like the each game. concept of the player NOTE: we are cash only at the bar going down the fi eld and now so give it a go before you place scoring a touchdown. your order. in one of their videos… how cool is that? AMAZING! Do not doubt The Bangles, BangleDoubter. WIZARD FACESWAP

DEAR MR. TOM: WHAT IS THE CURRENT PRICE OF SILVER? IS NOW A GOOD TIME TO INVEST? Signed – AGman

Dear AGman: Silver is hovering around $20 an ounce. All indicators right now are pointing to a surge in the spot price of silver in 2016, with HEY TOMMER! MY TOILET experts predicting a new bull run that could double, even triple prices – and KEEPS ‘RUNNING’… YOU SWAP WIZARD REMI & SWAP WIZARD KEVIN & KNOW, IT FLUSHES OK, BUT in a very short amount of time. The main reason for this is that there was BEARDED WIZARD & YOU WIZARD MARK & YOU GET… YOU HAVE TO JIGGLE THE GET BIONIC BIGFOOT & MARK & KEVIN - THESE HANDLE TO STOP THAT a 19.5% drop in investor interest in 2015 that suggests most short-term HAMISH FROM BEARSHARK GUYS HAVE BEEN WORKING TRICKLING WATER SOUND. TOGETHER TOO CLOSELY! IT’S DRIVING ME NUTSO!!! investors have left the market and HELP!!! Signed – Big Water Bill silver is now in stronger hands. So go for it, AGman… the time is right!!! ICE COLD BEER Hey Big Water Bill: You’re in luck! IS BACK AT This is usually a pretty easy Ä x. It’s HELP ME SLO’: I HAVE BEEN often caused by the ‘Å apper’ not HAVING TROUBLE WITH BUTTER TARG. properly covering the water outlet. PACKAGING FOR YEARS. EVERY The darling of the TIME I GO TO USE IT I GET BITS Take the cover oɈ the tank and arcade has returned make sure that rubber part isn’t OF FOIL & PIECES OF FOOD FROM THE LAST TIME I USED IT STUCK to its rightful place. being blocked by anything. Make ICB is a challenging sure the chain thing is not catching IN MY PORTION - THEN MY on it. Sometimes it’s just worn FINGERS GET GREASY TRYING TO mechanical arcade out – go to Preston Hardware and RESOLVE THE HORRIBLE MESS. SWAP WIZARD SKA JEFF & WIZARD JORDAN & YOU GET… game released by replace it. Good luck Big Water Bill! THERE HAS GOT TO BE A BUTTER MOSTLY JORDAN’S HAIR & AN EYEBALL ACHE. Taito in 1983. Just WAY. move the ball up and HEY THERE SLO’: EVERYONE Signed – NecroButter into the illuminate THINKS THE BANGLES WERE hole. Warning - highly SO GREAT. I DON’T AGREE AT Dear Necrobutter: I’m not even addictive. Remember, ALL. WHAT DO YOU THINK? going to dignify you “quandary” with Crane Operator/Maker Signed – BangleDoubter a response. This is a serious advice Wizard Corey still has column intended to aid people who the score to beat. 229 Hey BangleDoubter: What are desperately seeking ways to improve their lives & make sense holes, that’s 22 times kind of question is this? Are you to the top plus 9 holes. crazy? Of course The Bangles of a complex world. It’s not some were great! They were originally playground for your obtuse jokes. Amazing! But don’t let called The Bangs and were part of Your pedestrian question & lame pun that intimidate you - the early 80’s LA punk / “paisley are received as a deliberate insult SWAP WIZARD VAL & POOR WIZARD STACEY it’s all aboot personal underground” scene. They even to the intelligence of my readership. WIZARD SEVIE & WELL TURNED INTO JIMINY GLICK bests - NEVER GIVE UP! talked Leonard Nemoy into being Shame on you NecroButtHead. DUH! & NOW JAMES HETFIELD HAS A SWEET BUN! WELCOME TO THE SECRET UNIVERSE OF MY TOY COLLECTION. welcome the lovely Miss Maureen and SAT APR 16 – House of TARG, her crew for another round of sweet Shade Nyx’s Theatre Macabre garage rock stylings – good times and Ashton Brewing present: guaranteed! BURLESQUE SHOW: April Showers. A GUIDE TO ALL THE CONCERTS TAKING PLACE AT It’s Rainin’ Babes! Shade Nyx is WED APR 27 – House of TARG and the once again bringing you an evening Indie Scene present: APRIL ALL AGES HOUSE OF TARG THIS APRIL. packed with Ottawa’s best burlesque, SHOWCASE A night showcasing some boylesque and bellydancing of Ottawa’s best talent, to an all ages FRI APR 1 - House of TARG and Brewing and Asher Media Relations performances *mature content* crowd. Beau’s All Natural present: BOIDS w/ & Dungeon Works present: WACKEN sg SCHOOL DAMAGE and NECK - METAL BATTLE CANADA 2016 - SUNSUN APR 17 – TARGTARG 2 YEAR THUR APR 28 – House of TARG and ANNIVERSARYANNIVERSARY FREEPLAFREEPLAYY Montreal, and Ottawa unite OTTAWA EDITION! A chance to PBR present: MOON TAN w/sg THE PARTYPARTY House of TARG, CollectiveCollective to bring you a wicked night of punk – perform at the biggest metal festival HAIG + AUTO RACING We are very in the world hangs in the balance ArtsArts Brewing CCo.o. present: excited to welcome these energetic, quick tight sets from 3 TARG favourites! TOUGHENTOUGHEN UP! ww// DJ KJMaxx. Join (For fans of , NOMEANSNO, – get ready for wicked sets from funky, weirdo prog rockers to TARG – OMINOUS ECLIPSE, DIABHOLICO, the SuperSuper Mario Cart Tournament, stoked for a night of great tunes and MINOR THREAT) try our new perogi,perogi, wwinin a FreePlayFreePlay SCARECROWZ, A SCAR FOR THE GoldenGolden Pass, Cake?Cake? PrizesPrizes?? We experimental music!! SAT APR 2 – House of TARG, Ottawa WICKED, CHARIOTS OF THE GOD can’tcan’t hhelpelp bbutut ppourour our heartshearts intointo a Ska Syndicate and Ashton Brewing and SIGNS OF CHAOS party & yer invited!invited! FRI APR 29 – House of TARG and present: SKA NITE – VOICE OF THE Beau’s All Natural present: B.A. PEOPLE w/sg THE SENTRIES and WED APR 13 – House of TARG TUES APR 19 – House of TARG, JOHNSTON w/sg AVERAGE TIMES + FRESHLY CUT – Voice of the People Whitewater Brewing Co. and Ottawa Spectrasonic and punkottawa.com FAUX CULTS glad to have him back in is back again! Get your monthly dose Punk Pinball present: SPLIT FLIPPER present: SAID THE WHALE playing his natural habitat… the arcade. This of live SKA bands and dance the PINBALL TOURNAMENT competitors two full sets: one of brand new time around he will be pulling out all the night away with your hosts DJ JUDGE play with a partner – each player is material, one of favorites! An intimate stops (unusual sweaters, dollar store UPSTROKE, DJ LORD SNAPPY & allowed to use one Å ipper button night of Vancouver indie-pop - this theatrics, mildly catchy tunes etc). Meet DJ LONGSHOT spinning Reggae/ during the game – show up with a show is SOLD OUT but never give you in the bathroom for B.A.’s customary Rocksteady/Ska 45’s friend or Å y solo, we will pair you up – there may be a couple tickets closing number. up! All skill levels welcome. Register available at the door!! THUR APR 7 – House of TARG and by 7:30pm - It’s free, just pay for SAT APR 30 – House of TARG and yer games. All ages/all skill levels PBR present: PKEW PKEW PKEW w/ THUR APR 21 – House of TARG, Ashton Brewing present: PUBLIC welcome. $1 o all perogies from sg THE BOREDS + NO FUSS High Ɉ PBR, CKCU and ottawalivemusic. ANIMAL w/sg BLACKBREAD and 5pm - 10:30pm energy, jump up and down sing along com present: POTENTIAL RED w/ MUFFLER CRUNCH Super pumped for pop meets jangly Ottawa garage rock – sg SPARKLESAURUS + HOLY this stacked night of RAWK in the capital bonus - Ä rst performance from Ottawa’s THUR APR 14 – House of TARG CHRISTOPHER – join us for this great – guitar wizardry, pounding rhythm, newest punk rock 2 piece NO FUSS and PBR present: MINETA w/sg THE night of 70’s post punk, dreamy indie soaring vocals – friggin’ right!! boasting more hooks than Bob Izumi’s SICK SICK SICKS + THE OWL EYES surf/lo-Ä girl pop and alt pop/punk - tackle box!! PROJECT Primus meets Cirque De live CKCU broadcast!! WED APR 6, 13, 20 – House of TARG,TARG, Soleil as you enjoy an evening of circus Whitewater Brewing Co.Co.. present: party punk and psycho gypsy rock n’ AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL. Get $1$1 FRI APR 8 – House of TARG and FRI APR 22 – House of Targ, Chord roll – you wanna get nuts? Let’s get oɈ all perogies from 5pm - 10:30pm. Beau’s All Natural and Ottawa Inner City Productions and Beau’s All Natural nuts!! No cover, no bands - just straight up Health present: TAMPONS FOR TED present: REANIMATOR w/sg SIGNS perogies & pinbalpinballl BeneÄ t Concert w/ SUNS OF STONE + OF CHAOS + VENATOR – a killer COLD CAPITAL + LOST TO THE RIVER FRI APR 15 – House of TARG, night of Thrash n’ roll, bang your head EVERY SUNDAY – FREEPLAY + THE FAYS Cover: enjoy a great night Spectrasonic and Beau’s All Natural and feel the power of metal!! AFTER 9PM House of TARG and of mixed rock styles while supporting present: HERVANA: Unplugged In Ottawa w/sg TREES OF NORTH Collective Arts Brewing Co. present: a great cause - we are encouraging SAT APR 23 – House of TARG and AMERICA and SLEEPY & THE NOISE TOUGHEN UP! w/ DJ KJMaxx + people to bring feminine products in Ashton Brewing present: GOOD2GO – check out this all-female NIRVANA guests - spinning your favourite WAX exchange of $10.00 cover w/sg ROAD HAUS A stellar night arcade jams from 9pm till 2am – All the cover band performing Unplugged In of live rock n roll featuring Ottawa Pinball & Classic Arcade Game Action New York front to back! SAT APR 9 – House of TARG, Ashton talent galore – always a pleasure to You Can Handle For Just 5 buck STEP 3: Dismantle, destroy or degrade assembled materials (may involve burning, crushing with tools or obsessively cutting into tiny identical shapes).

STEP 4: Re-confi gure deconstructed objects by securing to chicken wire amorphous shape (phallic, yonic or spherical forms are excellent options). Outfi t piece with stable hanging hardware. Hang. SUPPLIES: artifacts from old painful STEP 1: Meditate on desire, co- - VOILA! relationships, chicken wire, fi shing dependency, colour theory, Dadaism, wire, various fasteners, pliers, hammer, Institutional Critique & releasing screwdriver, glue gun, scissors sadness.

OH YA, STEP 5: Compose an artist statement (minimum 800 words) which includes the following terms: activate / narrative / hermeticism / ideation / investigation / intersection

VISIT WWW.MARISAGALLEMIT.COM TO CHECKOUT MORE OF HER STEP 2: Procrastinate / Gestate (May or may not involve whiskey, cigarettes, compulsive cleaning or other over-indulgent behaviours of your choice). AMAZING WHISKEY FUELED WORK. LOUISE AND DENISE ARE YEAR AND A HALF YEAR OLD SISTERS OWNED BY JASON DECAY (CAULDRON) AND HIS GIRLFRIEND JOSEFINE. I ASKED JASON TO TELL ME A BIT ABOUT THEM.

WHAT IS THEIR FAVOURITE BAND? IMPERIET (SWEDEN)

FAVOURITE NAP SPOTS? DENISE: MERCH BIN IN THE CLOSET LOUISE: CLEAN TOWELS IN THE LINEN CLOSET

WHO DO THEY LIKE BETTER? JOSEFINE

WHAT DO YOUR CATS DO WHILE YOU’RE ON TOUR? HARASS JOSEFINE FOR FOOD.

FAVOURITE CAT TREAT? SCIENCE DIET (ED NOTE. I QUESTIONED WHETHER THAT COUNTS AS A TREAT BUT THE CAULDRON are a heavy metal band from Toronto, ANSWER REMAINED UNCHANGED) . Their van was involved in a crash while on tour in Texas in February which left guitarist Ian Chains with some broken bones, totaled the WHAT DO YOUR CATS THINK ABOUT van, and cut the tour short. They’ll be hosting a YOUR BAND? huge gig at Lee’s Palace in Toronto April 8th to I THINK THEY LIKE THE SOUND OF MY VOICE. benefi t Ian. You can also buy some merch/make a donation at basementmetal.com if you can’t make the show. DOCTOR WHO PINBALL HAS BEEN AT TARG FROM DAY 1 WAY BACK IN TIME. IT’S A FAN FAVOURITE & IS SUPER FUN TO PLAY. AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR BALL YOU MUST SELECT ONE OF 7 DOCTORS USING YOUR FLIPPERS TO SCROLL THROUGH THE OPTIONS ON THE BACK GLASS SCREEN (EACH DOCTOR HAS THE EFFECT OF CHANGING THE RULES OF ONE AREA OF THE PLAYFIELD BTW). THE PROBLEM IS THAT THIS 1992 MACHINE USES A CRUDE DOT MATRIX DISPLAY SO IT’S KINDA TUFF TO FIGURE OUT WHO THESE FACES BELONG TO… BUT WE HAVE A HUNCH ABOUT SOME OF THEM.

DOCTOR DOCTOR DOCTOR DAVE THOMAS??? You BOB DYLAN??? We are DAVE BIDINI??? know Doug McKenzie pretty sure this is based Founding member of from SCTV and the on his look from the the legendary rock band worlds greatest Ä lm Tangled Up in Blue video . It’s gotta be Strange Brew. (w/o the gross white stuɈ him, nobody else wears on his face). those hats.

DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT REDFORD??? GUY FROM TOTALLY These pixelated good AWESOME PIZZA??? looks have to belong to The joint on Bank st. that amazing actor from across from Babylon. The Sting & the Horse Does he still work there? Whispererererer. Right? UP NEXT IS THE RIVET LEVEL WHERE MARIO MUST RUN OR JUMP OVER EIGHT SQUARE RIVETS THAT HOLD UP THE STRUCTURE. ONCE THE LAST RIVET IS REMOVED KONG WILL FALL SMACK ON HIS HEAD GIVING HIM A NASTY BUMP. PAULINE AND MARIO ARE UNITED SOON AFTER

LEVEL 4 INVOLVES ELEVATORS. ONE GOING UP ANOTHER GOING DOWN ON EITHER SIDE OF THE TALL PLATFORM. MARIO ALSO HAS TO CONTEND WITH WHAT POSSIBLY LOOKS LIKE A JUMPING POGO STICK. IF HE RESCUES PAULINE, THE LEVEL STARTS AGAIN WITH INCREASED DIFFICULTY. ONE FINAL TIP: KEEP TRACK OF BONUS POINTS THAT COUNTDOWN ON THE UPPER FAR RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE SCREEN. COMPLETE A LEVEL & THE REMAIN- ING BONUS GETS ADDED TO YOUR TOTAL SCORE.

CLASS DISMISSED. HAPPY GAMING EVERYONE SEE YOU NEXT TIME. MARIO, THE RED OVERALLS WEARING WORKMAN FROM DONKEY KONG PUT NIN- TENDO ON THE MAP WAY BACK IN 1981.

IN DONKEY KONG, MARIO MUST RECLAIM HIS TRUE LOVE PAULINE FROM A GIANT APE NAMED KONG. MARIO MUST WORK THROUGH 4 LEVELS IN ORDER TO GET HIS GAL BACK. THE 1ST & 3RD LEVEL IS THE GIRDER WHERE KONG CONSTANTLY THROWS DOWN BARRELS ON OUR WORK- MEN. HELP WILL COME IN THE FORM OF TWO HAMMERS ON THE SECOND AND FOURTH GIRDERS - WHICH CAN BE USED TO SMASH BARRELS & EXTINGUISH A NEW PEROGI ALERT SNEAKY FIREBALL FOR ADDITIONAL POINTS. ON SUNDAY APRIL 17th AT 4PM WE WILL BE LAUNCHING A NEW PEROGI! JOIN US FOR OUR YEAR 2 CELEBRATION TO GET IN ON THE ACTION!