Still undecided? Fiery fun London to the Lakes Festival of frisbee Find out more with our general Dangerously impressive tricks It’s those Fellwanderers again, as Disc Doctors impress at south election pullout, centre pages from the jugglers, page 17 if you hadn’t guessed, page 21 east regionals, page 26

The student newspaper of Imperial College ● Established 1949 ● Issue 1320 ● Thursday 28 April 2005 ● www.felixonline.co.uk

Extradition hearing Imperial alumnus Babar Union Ahmad will discover on 17 Charing Cross Hospital May whether or not he is to be extradited to the United States under new terror laws. reveals uNEWS page 3 set to close? Tackling poverty plans for “We live in a world where poverty causes the deaths of 30,000 children each day; a postgrad world where 38 million people live with HIV...” Colin Smith explains how sabbatical you can get involved in the Make Poverty History cam- By Dave Edwards paign at Imperial, while Numaan Chaudhry investi- Imperial College Union gates what the richer nations has announced ambitious are doing to address the plans for a new Sabbatical problem. Officer, the Deputy President uBUSINESS page 4 (Graduate Students). uCOMMENT page 7 Funding for the post will become available from the Poker aces Higher Education Funding Imperial students finish third Council for England and 20th out of 259 competi- (HEFCE). Within the next tors at the inaugural UK stu- two months, the Union plans dent poker championship. to elect a student who will uCLUBS AND SOCIETIES then work full-time in the page 18 role from 1 August, taking the total number of sabbaticals at Nighthike 2005 Imperial to seven. Twenty-five teams of Imperial Mustafa Arif, the President, students hike through the told Felix: “Everyone rec- night in sub-zero tempera- ognises that postgraduate tures. Madness. representation is a problem, and in our QAA [Quality Assurance Agency] submis- Charing Cross Hospital, a centre of learning for Imperial College medical students, may have to close sion it was highlighted as a major weakness. The College By Dave Edwards the plans last week, but were and there will be a full public rently considering a range has accepted that and we Editor warned by their chief execu- consultation before any final of options with respect to have ringfenced money from tive that it would be officially decisions are made. their service configura- HEFCE available next year One of Imperial College’s denied if the plans emerged In a statement, Derek tion. Imperial College would to fund an extra sabbatical to uCLUBS AND SOCIETIES main teaching sites for medi- in the run-up to [general Smith, chief executive of expect that any substantial look over the whole remit of page 20 cal students faces closure, election] polling day”. The Hammersmith Hospitals NHS alteration in services would postgradute activity.” according to national news- electorate’s opinions on any Trust, announced: “We expect take into account the appro- The Deputy President paper reports published dur- closure or partial closure to have to spend up to £400m priate arrangements for any (Graduate Students) will ing the Easter break. on renewing our estate dur- transfer of our undergradu- focus on academic represen- THIS WEEK Consultants at Charing ing the next ten years. With ate and postgraduate educa- tation, postgraduate welfare, News page 2 “Closing the Cross Hospital, in Hammer- that level of investment, we tion, and honour the provi- postgraduate involvement in Business page 4 smith, told the media that Charing Cross... have to look at all the options sions for our research activity student activities and other Science page 5 “closing the Charing Cross... available to us to demonstrate and facilities.” issues. Comment page 6 is the only realistic possibil- is the only that what we’re planning is Lucy Pickard, President of The plans must still be Columns page 10 ity” to combat the local NHS realistic the best way of spending pub- Imperial College School of approved by the Union and What’s On page 12 trust’s huge debts and main- lic funds. We are looking at Medicine Students’ Union, College Councils, but Sam Election special page 13 tenance costs. The hospital’s possibility” options at the moment, but told Felix: “It’s difficult to say Rorke, the Deputy President main services would transfer as yet have no plans, so have what situation we would be (Education and Welfare), said Clubs and Societies to the Hammersmith hospital could dramatically influence nothing yet to consult on, and in if Charing Cross closed. he was confident of having a page 17 in Acton, but no-one knows the result in the key mar- are unlikely to have for some It’s understandable that stu- “champion for postgraduate Nightlife page 22 what the future will hold for ginal seat of Hammersmith time yet.” dents are very worried about affairs” in place for the 2005-6 Arts page 23 Imperial College teaching at and Fulham, where Labour Professor Stephen Smith, it. We would like to maintain academic year. Film page 24 the site. currently holds a majority of Principal of the Imperial the medical school’s facilities, Only postgraduates will be Puzzles page 25 According to an article in around 2,000. College Faculty of Medicine, and if that means we need to eligible to stand for election, The Observer, “consultants The plans are likely to be responded: “Hammersmith fight for them, we will.” but all students will be able Sport page 26 at both hospitals were told of officially unveiled in June, Hospitals NHS Trust is cur- ● Comment, page 6 to vote. Felix 2 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

NEWS

Issue 1319 Babar Ahmad hearing: view from the court room

Editor By an Imperial student munications with a person on (which can carry the death Dave Edwards a US naval ship – the dates of penalty). He also expressed At the beginning of the two- which, according to the Free grave doubts that Mr Ahmad Business Editor day extradition hearing, Babar Ahmad campaign, coin- could get a fair trial by jury Numaan Chaudhry Babar Ahmad walked into cided with Mr Ahmad’s wed- in America, citing attacks Science Editor court accompanied by three ding day and his honeymoon and discrimination against Darius Nikbin policemen, turning to smile on a remote island without Muslims after 9/11. at his family and support- internet access. Also quoted Mr Loflin further affirmed Music Editor ers from Imperial College. as evidence was a publicly that a written assurance that Andrew Sykes He confirmed his name and available documentary DVD the death penalty would not had to correct the clerk on on 9/11. be applied had to come from Nightlife Editor his date of birth. He looked Edward Fitzgerald QC, for the top if it was to be effective Simon Clark unflustered as the charges the defence, stated the risks – that is, from the President were read out – no doubt he facing Babar if extradited to or the Attorney General. Arts Editor had heard them numerous the US, the first being indefi- The opposing lawyers could Paola Smith times before. nite detention as an ‘enemy not agree on whether declar- The allegations were based combatant’, which would ing Mr Ahmad an ‘enemy Books Editor on computer evidence, quoted involve “a flagrant denial of The protest outside Bow Street Magistrates Court during combatant’ would be a breach Martin Smith and repeated several times by the principles of justice”. Babar Ahmad’s extradition hearing of the Extradition Treaty. John Hardy, appearing for the Thomas Loflin, a Supreme In the end Mr Hardy agreed Film Editor US government. As this was Court attorney and expert in could be handed over to the Even if not declared an on what the potential conse- Alan Ng an extradition hearing, the US criminal law, appeared military as an ‘enemy combat- ‘enemy combatant’, Mr quences were if Mr Ahmad Sub Editor defence was unable to chal- as an expert witness for the ant’ even if tried and acquit- Ahmad could be subject to were handed over to the mili- Sarah Pozniak lenge any of the evidence in defence having submitted ted in a civilian court. ‘Special Administrative Meas- tary, but would not agree on court, and so its reliability was two affidavits to court. He Mr Ahmad could be ures’, regardless of whether whether there was a real risk not discussed. The evidence stated that there was a real detained in Guantanamo Bay, he is convicted or awaiting of this happening. Felix quoted included email com- risk that Mr Ahmad would be “or worse”, according to Mr trial. Under these meas- At noon on the trial’s sec- Beit Quad turned over to the military Loflin, who also referred to ures he could be indefinitely ond day, Mr Hardy asked the Prince Consort Road as an ‘enemy combatant’. If prisons in other countries detained in solitary confine- judge for a further two to three London SW7 2BB so, he needn’t even be given such as in Afghanistan, Egypt ment and have restrictions weeks to gather more evi- a trial. and Pakistan. The ‘Doctrine placed on his contact with dence to support his case by Telephone: 020 7594 8072 Under Military Order of Specialty’, which prevents lawyers. interaction with the US gov- Email: [email protected] Number 1, the only trial avail- an extradited person being Mr Loflin then mentioned ernment. This was granted, Web: www.felixonline.co.uk able to him would be by mili- tried for offences other than the possibility that if Mr and the trial was adjourned. Registered newspaper tary commission, to which those he was extradited for, Ahmad was tried in a civilian It was agreed that a review ISSN 1040-0711 even evidence obtained via would not apply in such plac- court, the death penalty could and remand hearing be held torture would be admissible. es since they are outside US still be applied if prosecutors on 24 March 2005, via a video- Copyright © Felix 2005 The Order expressly forbids territory. Mr Loflin also com- seek a superceding indict- link with Mr Ahmad. The trial Printed by Sharman and appeal to any other court. A mented that “US courts have ment, for example combin- will continue on 18 April 2005 Company, Peterborough military commission could a somewhat elastic view of ing a conspiracy to murder at Bow Street Magistrates apply the death penalty. He the Doctrine of Specialty”. charge with a murder charge Court.

Got some free time next term?

Most of our regular team are busy with exams, so we need other people to help us out during the summer term. If you’re interested in writing or editing, let us know at [email protected]. We especially need: Comment writers; Reviewers; Proof readers; Coffee Break contributors; Business writers Want to see something in Felix?

If there’s something you’d like us to put in Felix, don’t just sit there, do something about it – get involved. Anyone can write for us, and any ideas will be considered seriously. Contact [email protected] Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 3

Business [email protected] German bid for London Stock Exchange stops short After mounting pressure from shareholders, the CEO of the Deutsche Boerse exchange buckled and stopped his bid. Numaan Chaudhry excogitates

The start of this week saw as Mr Seifert’s talks to buy back its own shares and pay- US institutions with big hold- Deutsche Boerse AG, the LSE have been public since ing out higher dividends. ings in Deutsche Boerse sig- primary stock exchange last December. Some dissidents said they nalled to management over in Germany, drop its pro- Now Deutsche Boerse’s had no choice but to seek the weekend that they, too, posed bid to pay £1.3bn for exit leaves open the door for the board’s removal because opposed an LSE takeover. the London Stock Exchange Euronext to buy the London Deutsche Boerse has refused Mr Seifert, along with (LSE) after continual share- exchange. However, unlike to put its decision to acquire Deutsche Boerse’s supervi- holder opposition to Chief German law, both LSE and LSE to a shareholder vote. sory-board chairman, Rolf Executive Werner Seifert’s Euronext would have to seek The battle dividing Breuer, who is also chair- acquisition plan. shareholder approval for a Deutsche Boerse is the lat- man of Deutsche Bank AG, Dissident shareholders takeover or merger under, est instance of hedge funds had played down the threat now own between 50% to 60% respectively, UK and Dutch buying up stakes in compa- posed by dissident sharehold- of Deutsche Boerse’s stock, laws. nies that are in the midst of ers, arguing that a majority according to public state- In a statement on Monday acquisition bids in an attempt of shareholders supported ments from involved firms, evening, Deutsche Boerse to influence the outcome of an LSE acquisition, in recent private letters of opposition said it reserves the right to a deal. In Deutsche Boerse’s weeks. sent to Deutsche Boerse and return with a new offer if LSE case, however, the fight has But support has been people familiar with the mat- is made an offer, from another spread to include other major quite meagre, with just two ter. exchange or otherwise. and prestigious investors big shareholders, Union The move to abandon the Pressure on Mr Seifert had such as Fidelity Investments. Investment of Germany and bid raises questions about the mounted. Some of the dis- The clash showcases how State Street Global Advisors, future of Mr Seifert, who has sident shareholders had pub- European shareholders are stating their backing for an once before tried, and indeed licly said they are preparing starting to take a more active LSE bid. failed, to buy the LSE in his an attempt to vote out the role, something they have Recently, the rebels appear long-term drive to outpace company’s supervisory board lagged behind US investors to have the momentum. the European rival exchange at its annual shareholders’ in doing. Deutsche Boerse’s shares operator Euronext and kick- meeting, which is set for May. While the rebellion has last week traded at volumes start consolidation among The structure in Germany Up for sale: the London Stock Exchange been led by UK and US twice the typical daily aver- European stock exchanges. is slightly different as firms hedge funds, such as TCI and age, the bulk of trades being Mr Seifert faces an arduous have two boards: a superviso- this deal and the company is holders might now take. Atticus Capital, a number of conducted by hedge funds task of repairing badly frayed ry board of mostly non-execu- aware of this,” was the opin- Many dissident sharehold- significant institutional inves- attempting to make gains by relations with a majority of tive directors and a manage- ion of a partner at TCI, a ers argued in recent days that tors have joined rank, includ- betting that Mr Seifert would shareholders of the German ment board of ‘insider’ direc- stakeholder of this deal. They acquiring LSE would have ing Fidelity, Merrill Lynch be either forced out or back stock exchange operator as a tors. commented after Deutsche destroyed shareholder value Investment Managers and down from an LSE bid, open- result of the bid. “We strongly believe the Boerse’s decision as an indi- and that the company’s cash Generali Asset Management. ing the door to share buy- The change in the bid majority of shareholders are cation as to what course of pile of more than 600m euros In addition to those heavy- backs that could boost the marked a stunning reversal, publicly and privately against action the dissident share- might be better spent buying weight investors, two large stock’s value. Felix 4 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

Science [email protected] Global warming: does anyone care? The evidence is there, the scientists are in agreement, but still the public remains sceptical. Cato Hoeben reports on an expert discussion of public apathy towards global warming

Apathy. It could be the great- the torch of responsibility at no surprise really. It is well est threat to humans yet. solar cycles and the changing known that the US churns Changes in climate could lead frequency of volcanic erup- out a huge percentage of the to outbreaks of malaria, water tions. However, findings last world’s industrial greenhouse shortages and flash floods. week, that the past 40 years of gases and still doesn’t consid- Skin cancer might even cause ocean warming can be linked er carbon dioxide a pollutant. 5000 more deaths a year. So Professor Grubb made it why are we more passionate “Despite 51% clear at the RSA conference about foxhunting? that the US even has the high- That was a question raised of Americans est total carbon emissions, during the Royal Society of as well as the highest per Arts (RSA) debate on climate expressing concern capita. “Countries like the US change earlier last month. ...a large number who are powerful and have The debate questioned the greatest emissions are a whether climate change real- considered it ‘a bit great threat,” he believes. ly is one of the most pressing Canada, Australia and New threats ever to mankind. of a yawn’” Zealand as well as the UK Guest speakers included are such countries and hang Michael Grubb, Professor to the industrial release of close to the heels of the US. of Climate Change and carbon dioxide, might change Interestingly, Grubb’s results Energy Policy at Imperial their minds. showed India and China, with College, Stephen Tindale of Among the impending dis- their massive populations, far Greenpeace UK, BP’s envi- asters, we are also told of the lower down the carbon emis- ronmental advisor Chris number of appealing possibil- sions scale. Mottershead and Vijay ities. Tales of grapes growing Ironically, the US refuses Vaitheeswaran of the The in Southern England, hotter to ratify the Kyoto agreement Economist. And, like the summers and warmer win- because of a “lack of restric- British Government has ters are just a few examples. tions on emissions by emerg- begun to agree, they believe The climate section of the ing economies China and that we’re in a lot of trouble. BBC website even says that India” said The Japan Times Beginning the debate, (17 February 2005). Yet these Stephen Tindale commented “Developing coun- are the countries to which the that “not a single paper chal- West voices their authority. lenges that climate change tries resent being They often argue that such is happening”. Assuming a populations do little to com- linear increase in global told to reduce bat climate change. warming is in store for us, emissions by rich During the RSA conference, Climate change apathy: what will it take for us to realise the dangers? he believes that one in three Vijay Vaitheeswaran stated people will suffer in the next countries who have that “developing countries Delay, Chief Executive of the century unless we act now. resent being told to reduce trust, says: “Some UK busi- What can I do? Here’s what... But neither the root of cli- prospered through emissions by rich countries nesses have chosen to act mate change nor the changes polluting” who have become prosperous already – but more need to do 1. Windows: Keep them closed while the heating or we face are completely clear. through polluting. They often so. Businesses need to under- air conditioning is on. Studies reveal that glo- by 2060 the south of England ask: ‘why should we slow our stand that there is a real com- bal warming is happening, could experience weather economy for you?’” mercial benefit to be gained”. 2. Power: Unless it’s necessary to keep them on, turn but not how, said Professor like that of the Loire Valley, A valid point. So how do He also believes that “as off lights, computers, TVs and other electrical goods Grubb. “The science behind in France. All this amounts we reach a compromise? public concern about climate when you’re not using them. the Intergovernmental Panel to a confusing message for According to the majority of change grows, businesses on Climate Change [IPCC] the public, and some may be the panel, the answer lies will naturally become more 3. Heating: Turning your thermostat down by 1°C stops at the end of this cen- seduced by the idea. It might within well-coordinated com- interested in and committed could cut your heating bills by up to 10%. tury, so it’s difficult to know even explain some of the munication between politi- to cutting their carbon emis- how things will proceed” he UK’s indifference to climate cians of all countries. It also sions”. 4. Plug it: Always put the plug in your basin or sink. said. That places a big ques- change. requires establishing a trend So what will it take to Leaving hot water running straight down the drain really tion mark over how to tackle Much like climate change through setting an example. generate public concern? is throwing money away. both the change in climate itself, apathy towards it is “If Europe doesn’t break with Fictionalising natural disas- and the consequences. global too. Despite 51% of its efforts, it’s a more hopeful ters such as The Day After 5. Curtains: close your curtains at dusk to stop heat However, Vijay Vaithees- situation with the US,” said Tomorrow and Twister escaping through the windows. waran believes that “because “Because carbon Professor Grubb. This option appear only to boost box carbon dioxide stays in the air also relies on businesses tak- office earnings, and experts 6. Lights: Always turn them off when you leave a for about a century, we should dioxide stays in ing more action. pour scorn on the science room and adjust your curtains or blinds to let in as now be concentrating on pre- However, Chris Mottershead behind them. much light as possible during the day. paring future generations” as the air for about a of BP trusts in the steps The British Government well as reducing emissions. century, we should industries are already taking. appears to be taking the 7. Fridges: Don’t leave the door open for longer than He also believes that Europe “Governments and industries issue more seriously now. necessary. Defrost your freezer regularly to (run more alone can’t solve the prob- now concentrate are tackling climate change,” With energy suppliers and efficientlycheaply). If your fridge is next to a cooker/ lem of climate change and he said, “but we should be the Energy Saving Trust, it boiler, leave a good gap in-between. that people need to act on an on preparing concentrating on implement- has just launched a £3m cam- international level. The Kyoto future generations” ing technology within compa- paign to address feelings of 8. Washing machines/tumble dryers: Always agreement that came into nies to reduce carbon emis- apathy in households tackling wash a full load. If you can’t, use a half-load or action on 16 February hopes Americans expressing con- sions.” climate change. economy programme. Use a low temperature to do just that. cern about global warming, The Carbon Trust is less Our concern should be programme (washing powders are effective at lower Yet there are sceptics of cli- an annual poll in the US found convinced and is running a growing. But if we need evi- temperatures). Hang clothes up to dry if possible. mate change who argue that that a large number of people campaign to enthuse busi- dence on our doorstep, then humans are not to blame for considered it ‘a bit of a yawn’. nesses to get a move on. the predictions state we need 9. Dishwashers: Use the low temperature global warming. They shine But the poll’s results are In DEFRA magazine, Tom only wait a decade or two. programme and ensure you wash a full load.

I, science A science magazine for Imperial College Out Monday 14 March Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 5

SCIENCE [email protected] Oh, Kyoto! What a complete farce Without US participation and with targets set far below the levels demanded by scientists, Richard Fenning asks how anyone could take the Kyoto protocol seriously

In February, the Kyoto and they’ve come up with a sabotage, no plans have yet but mainly – to paraphrase Protocol limped comically reduction in global green- been made for a replace- Bill Clinton, one among many into effect, and for those house gas emissions of 4.8% ment. to torment Kyoto – it’s the who believe generally in the below the 1990 level. As if that weren’t painful stupid economy. predictions of science, the Most scientists in a position enough, some critics esti- And here lies the central decrepitude of Kyoto hurts to comment will tell you this mate that this piecemeal ges- paradox, which is the corner- like a laughter stitch. It is isn’t enough. In fact it’s hilari- ture will cost $1 trillion. So stone of this epic tragicom- pathos at its most excruciat- ous in its inadequacy. It’s geared is the global economy edy. All our main economic ing. It is a satire on itself. ‘duck and cover’ for human- to the release of carbon into models are based on an infi- For thirteen aching years, the ity. Even if it were to be fully the atmosphere that even nite amount of resources and creators of the agreement implemented for 100 years it this vague attempt towards an infinite capacity for pol- have been at the throbbing wouldn’t be enough. Even if sustainability costs roughly lution to provide everlasting nexus of economic, scientific it included the United States, 4% of the sum of all involved economic expansion. This and political information. China, India and Australia, it countries’ GDPs. This is why is the banana skin. This is Armed with the sword of wouldn’t be enough. the US doesn’t want to get what’s providing the laughs. reason, and set against a In fact, plot the predicted involved. It’s Basil Fawlty’s despera- Kyoto: when it comes down to it, isn’t it all a bit of a joke? backdrop of impending dis- temperature rise over time Some in the US are also tion, David Brent’s vanity and aster, these trusty guardians with no reduction in carbon concerned that Kyoto is Frank Spencer’s well-mean- the planet and there isn’t to change in some way. I don’t of our future have tirelessly emissions next to the tem- European and Eastern impe- ing clumsiness together. infinite capacity for pollu- know how, but there has to negotiated the Protocol’s perature rise with the Kyoto rialism through the back door Science, it is assumed, will tion. Kyoto’s feeble doddering be someone out there clever details. They’ve thrusted, targets and the lines stay as (which is funny when set provide the answers to make comes from trying to square enough to work it out, if only they’ve parried, they’ve com- close as Laurel and Hardy. against the imperialist impli- economies grow forever. an infinite model with a finite because the hapless fumbling promised, they’ve traded, But here’s the punchline: the cations of one twentieth of But it’s now science that world. And, to someone who of international policy-mak- they’ve amended, they’ve protocol is set to expire in the world’s population using a is telling us that there just believes in science, it seems ers is becoming less and less pushed and they’ve pulled 2012 and, due to American quarter of its energy output), aren’t infinite resources on that the economic model has funny. Alternative medicines on trial The big day Do alternative therapies have any scientific basis? of physics Elena Lengthorn went to the Royal Institution to find out This debate, one of the Royal the practitioner and patient. Anushri Patel reports on Institution’s first public events If a little massage therapy of the year, was inspired by is making the difference and events lined up this Saturday at the publication of Times col- doing the trick then why not umnist Toby Murcott’s book use it? the physics department The Whole Story: Alternative A show of hands revealed medicine on trial? that over 50% of the audience As you all know, this year is After lunch and a judging Expert witnesses came in in the auspicious Faraday Einstein Year. session, there will be lectures the form of Murcott himself; Lecture Theatre had under- Aside from the plethora running for the more mature Dr Mike Cummings, medi- gone some form of comple- of events being organised audience, including topics cal director of the Medical mentary treatment. Clearly, around the globe to cele- such as Life As A Quantum Acupuncture Society (MAS); more and more people are brate physics, PhySoc have Mechanic and Physics And and Dr Andrew Moore, edi- claiming benefits from also been heavily involved in Creativity. Whilst the lec- tor of eBandolier.com, a alternative treatments, and organising things. As part of tures go on, there will be a website on evidence-based Murcott would like to see sci- an outreach programme, stu- simultaneous series of small- health care. During one of ence applied to verify them. dents have ventured into local er seminars and group dis- the Institution’s Talking The second speaker of the schools and given a series of cussions – two on environ- Point events, the public were evening was Mike Cummings, lessons and demonstrations mental issues, one on music encouraged to quiz the speak- a former RAF Medical Officer on physics. and one on life as a physics who, bizarrely, learnt acu- In addition, this Saturday student. There will also be “Alternative puncture during his service. is the Big Day of Physics at lab tours running every half Despite little favourable evi- Imperial’s physics depart- hour, so you can see MAGPIE medicines can’t dence at the time, he was ment. People from all over in action for yourself, revel in be tested in the keen to continue with practis- London are welcome to the delights that are super- ing the therapy after success attend. There are plans for conductors and see the infa- same way as with some difficult cases. a two hour challenge to take mous lasers in optics! After leaving the military and place in the morning, where If you’d like to help in any conventional taking over an acupuncture schoolchildren from the out- shape or form, or would like clinic, he started looking for Complementary medicine: all the rage, but does it work? reach programme will build further details about the Big drugs...” scientific evidence for acu- demonstrations on various Day, email Brett Manning on ers, and the questions were puncture and doing his own given) and one was invalid. The alternative therapists in physical concepts. [email protected]. ably directed from the chair research. Cummings claims Warming to his theme, Moore the audience were desperate by writer and broadcaster that 85% of modern medicine accused the well-known to tell their stories, as were Vivienne Parry. does not have the sort of evi- Cochrane Collaboration, a those who had received treat- Murcott, one-time bio- dence that is demanded of non-profit outfit who provide ment. chemist, began the event by acupuncture. information on the effects of One couple enthusiasti- reminding the audience that Finally, Andrew Moore, the health care, of over-selling. cally recounted the tale of a complementary medicine man with the evidence, crys- He also suggested that evi- neighbour’s dog who received worked alongside to Western tallsied the debate down to dence that acupuncture can acupuncture once a month. medicine and not a replace- two things, claiming the data be dangerous and has injured Whether the ardour of the ment. Alternative medicines available was inadequate and patients exists. Although this audience reflected general cannot be tested in the same over-sold. He provided com- point was not disputed, the public opinion, or just the way as conventional drugs. pelling examples, including a small numbers involved were interest of those attracted to The issue at stake for Murcott widely cited study on tennis invoked: there have been an the event, was unclear. What was not whether the alter- elbow in the Rheumatology estimated ten deaths to date. was startlingly obvious from natives work, but whether journal based on six trials. The event really brought the beginning was that many science can measure them One was not randomised, the lecture hall to life, with in the audience didn’t need or working. He also suggested another two were not ‘double the audience clamouring for want evidence, just to share that more individualised blind’ (when both the patient Vivienne’s attention, and even their experiences. For them, alternative treatments create and the practitioner are shouting from the upper gal- at least, anecdotal evidence a better relationship between ‘blind’ to the treatment being lery to get questions heard. was enough. Einstein: god of physics, icon of popular culture Felix 6 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

Comment [email protected] How should teaching be topped up?

In October 2006, the first home and and £4000 to supplement the main- cated to staff pay. This could be College to spend more money on EU undergraduate students paying tenance grants and loans received STATE OF beneficial to students and teach- things like ‘soft skills’ training and £3,000 a year ‘top-up’ fees will arrive by students from the poorest back- ing quality in a number of ways. help with job hunting? at Imperial College. Whilst they will grounds. That still leaves the other THE UNION For example, by offering higher These are all the sorts of questions not pay the fees until after they grad- £8m – which the College still needs salaries, the College could attract we need to be asking. Higher tuition uate, the College will receive the to work out how to spend. better lecturers. Staff/student fees improve the status of students money up front, through the Student A substantial proportion of it ratios could be improved, lead- as ‘customers’ of the College. If we Loans Company. Consequently, should go directly into teaching. ing to smaller classes. Have you are going to be paying the College there will be a fair amount of extra But how exactly should a few extra been affected by a brilliant lecturer a significant amount of extra money income coming into Imperial, esti- million pounds a year be used to being made redundant because they then we should be in a strong posi- mated at around £11m per year improve teaching quality? There are do not bring in enough research tion to influence how that money is (once all undergraduates are paying a huge number of possibilities. It income? Having extra money to spent. the higher fees). could be spent on facilities such as employ teaching staff could allow for How to spend money on improving Where will the extra £11m be labs or libraries. Maybe there could such teaching experts to be hired or teaching quality is something that spent? Well, just over £3m will be more use of (expensive) practical retained. the Union as well as the College as a be spent on financing a bursary teaching rather than theory-based Perhaps you think that teaching whole need discuss in a positive and scheme, approved by the Office of teaching (lectures) where that is MUSTAFA ARIF itself is OK but that money needs constructive manner. I welcome all Fair Access. This will be used to appropriate. to be invested in supporting skills comments from students and look provide bursaries of between £300 Extra money could also be allo- UNION PRESIDENT development. Would you like the forward to the debate. The joy of... Faculty Unions

Imperial College Union is renowned and look after other aspects of stu- (ICSMSU) is holding its elections helping to provide your department the world over for having a slightly dent welfare; and serve a variety of UNCLE SAM next term, so look out for more info with the vital feedback it needs to bizarre and rather complex struc- clubs and departmental societies, on this. For more information on improve the quality of its provision ture. The layer that bewilders most offering them a link to the Union, all elections, please see www.union. for research students. If you have people is our system of Faculty as well as keeping track of their ic.ac.uk/elections. any comments about the survey, Unions. Originally developing from finances. please contact [email protected]. a collection of social clubs based in “Wow!” I hear you exclaim. “I never That ‘OLE Survey SOLE is currently online, and will each Constituent College (prior to knew they did so much! How do I get be until the 18th March. It achieved the recent restructuring of Imperial involved?” Well, the City & Guilds On-Line Evaluations (or OLEs, as an excellent response rate of 50% into Faculties), the Faculty Unions College Union (representing all stu- they are more affectionately known) last term, and it would be great offer our students another layer of dents in the Faculty of Engineering), seem to be all the rave at the if we could beat that, to show the possible involvement in College life. the Faculty of Life Sciences Students’ moment. Just as you thought you’d College that students do care, and What do they do, though? They Union and the Faculty of Physical got used to SOLE – the Student we do have a voice in the way we co-ordinate academic representa- Sciences Students’ Union (known as On-Line Evaluation – ROLE comes are educated. Visit www.imperial. tion in their respective Faculties LifeSci and PhysSci to their friends) round the corner. ROLE, the ac.uk/sole. (using a network of representatives are currently in the middle of elec- SAM RORKE Researchers’ On-Line Evaluation, Watch out for further OLEs on the elected by each course, year-group, tion fever. Whilst nominations are DEPUTY PRESIDENT ran College-wide for the first time horizon, including a survey which research group, etc); organise cen- closed for most positions, it’s not over the last two weeks. It man- will be launched next year covering tral activities (such as RAG Week too late to take an active interest in (EDUCATION & WELFARE) aged to attain an overall response the College pastoral care system. events, bar nights, freshers’ balls); the elections, read the candidates’ of 39%, reaching a superb 50% in The working title is – you’ve guessed oversee the Buddies Schemes which manifestos, and vote for those who always crying out for more support the two Science Faculties. Those of it – POLE. introduce freshers into the wonders you think will represent you the from volunteers. Imperial College you who took the time to fill it in can Have a great holiday, and don’t that Imperial College has to offer best. In addition, Faculty Unions are School of Medicine Students’ Union give yourselves a pat on the back for work too hard! The house-hunting checklist

It’s getting to that time when stu- External features are sufficient and in working order, ● Are there sufficient plug sockets dents are starting to think about ADVICE SERVICE it is vital that you ask questions to in each room? where they’re going to live next A visual inspection of the exterior of the landlord/agent about the safety ● Does all furniture comply with the year. Perhaps you have to move the property is always useful. Look and security of the property. If in relevant regulations? out of halls, or perhaps you would for the following: doubt, talk to the Information and ● Are there locks on the windows? like to move somewhere for another ● Slipped or broken tiles Advice Service. The following ques- ● Have the previous tenants all reason. ● Rotten timber (especially window tions are essential: returned their keys? When trying to find a place to rent, frames and doors) ● Does the landlord possess a cur- it can be a stressful time, not only ● Broken guttering rent gas safety certificate? Location of the property trying to find somewhere but also ● Crumbling or cracked walls ● Can the landlord prove that a keeping your potential housemates ● Adequate storage for rubbish CORGI registered engineer carried As well as looking at the property happy, as many people have dif- ● Whether the property has a yard out the inspection? itself, we recommend that you also ferent standards in what they are or garden – if so, ask who will be ● Have you checked to see that all consider where the property is situ- looking for. responsible for its maintenance. gas appliances within the property ated and ask yourself the following It’s important to read any contract have been included, and passed as questions: you are given thoroughly before sign- Internal features NIGEL COOKE being safe, on the gas safety cer- ● Is the area convenient for your ing it, as in some cases it could con- STUDENT ADVISER tificate? studies? tain unfair terms. The Information There are a number of questions ● Did the inspection take place ● How close are you to public trans- and Advice Centre Offers a tenancy that you need to ask either yourself within the last 12 months? port? agreement checking service which or the landlord/agent when visiting ● Do the fridge, cooker etc work ● Is there any fire detection equip- ● Are local shops and facilities ade- is free to use. We will be able to a property. These include: properly? ment (eg smoke alarms) and does quate? advise you if the terms within the ● How many rooms are there in the ● Is there plenty of hot water? it work? ● Would you feel safe walking in the contract are unfair or not. property? ● Is the house free of damp and/or ● If there was a fire, would you area at night? Below is a checklist of things to ● How many are communal rooms? mould? be able to escape using the main look out for when having a look ● Are enough facilities being pro- exits? If you have any housing enquiries at round a property. I hope that it will vided for the number of people who Safety and security features ● Has the electrical wiring been all, or would like to discuss this arti- be helpful for you. Also, as this is the will be sharing the house? checked within the last five years? cle further, contact the Information last issue before Easter, I’d just like ● Is the furniture in a good state? In addition to checking for yourself ● Are all plug sockets free from and Advice Centre on advice@ic. to say happy holidays! ● How is the property heated? that the contents that are provided cracks or other damage? ac.uk or 020 7594 8067. Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 7

COMMENT [email protected] Speaking out for Babar Ahmad... and for all of us which deteriorated further as the snow and sleet kicked in. But this didn’t deter over 200 people from gathering for hours outside Bow Street Magistrates Court in Covent Garden to protest against what was happening inside. This number included around 40 people from Imperial College. The official Union delegation was a mixed group of undergraduates and postgraduates, Muslims and non- COLIN SMITH Muslims, black and white, women and men. In fact, the turnout, partic- WELFARE CAMPAIGNS ularly given the weather conditions, OFFICER was extremely impressive, with the only notable absentee being our beloved president, Mustafa Arif. “All it takes for evil to triumph is for It is true to say that the pro- good people to do nothing” test really got going after we all Edmund Burke arrived, and despite not being able to use our megaphone, a consider- Protesters make their feelings clear outside Bow Street Magistrates Court On Wednesday and Thursday of able amount of noise was made. last week, Babar Ahmad faced the Protesters’ chants ranged from level of support. Ataullah, a representative from the and put into perspective the reality next stage of his extradition hear- “Free, Free, Babar Ahmad” to After a short ‘break’ for tea, lunch Muslim Association of Britain and of what Babar may face if he loses ing. Ultimately, the hearing was “What do we want? Justice! When and anything else that people could Respect. There were also repre- his case. adjourned until April, giving time do we want it? Now!” But it was also think of to warm themselves back sentatives from the Muslim com- The large turnout was impressive, for the prosecution to wind their clear that most people in attendance up, an even larger crowd gathered munity and the Socialist Workers and showed many people’s realisa- way out of the latest brick wall they linked what was happening to Babar around the court again to listen to Party, but perhaps the most moving tion that we have to keep the fight have hit in their desperate efforts to to issues of civil liberties and the several speeches, many of which speech was saved to last. Follwing on the streets as well as in the cour extradite Babar. You can read about ‘war on terror’ in the wider world, pointed out the links between the Babar’s father and his solicitor room itself. It also showed good the case and what happened inside with “Tony Blair, you will see, Iraq restriction of civil liberties and was Martin Mubanga, one of the people’s willingness to stand up in the court in more detail on pages 1 and Babar will be free” and “Hey! recent events in the Middle East, four Britons recently released from the face of evil, and to stand firmly and 2 of this newspaper. I want to Ho! We say no to Guantanamo” with the 19 March anti-war demo Guantanamo Bay. Listening to this against it. Whilst the turnout was discuss what happened outside the also ringing in the ears of those in being frequently plugged. man, who has been held captive in high, we hope that even more of court on Wednesday morning. the court room. I learnt later that Speakers ranged from Lindsey some of the worst prison conditions you will join us next time, when It was a cold morning. No – it Babar and his family heard our German (convenor of the Stop in the world for the last three years, Babar’s hearing returns to court on was an unbelievably cold morning, chanting and were pleased at the the War Coaltion) to Yasmin seemed to move the whole crowd 18 April. Silwood science: fashion victims Andy Brown, Silwood Park correspondent, looks at how fur is being used as a fashion accessory

Apparently one of the ‘must have’ light grey, and so easily made dirty, our minimum wage to make these vulpecula), introduced into New Silwood residents put forward items this season are fur boots. I would like to raise some other boots and clothes. There was also Zealand from Australia back in their opinions on this, and although Made from the fur of rabbits, they issues with them being seen as a an example of fox fur being used 1858, which has since had a dev- scientists are not renowned for are rarely found for less than £200 ‘must have’ item. as a fashion accessory in the Julien astating impact on New Zealand’s being the most fashion conscious in London. I am not a vegetarian, I do how- Macdonald show to launch London native ground nesting birds, nearly bunch, the results were interest- As we will, one day, be graduates ever eat free-range eggs, I have no fashion week. I am sure it was not driving these species to extinction ing. With an even split of males and of one of the best universities in argument against the regulated use long ago that supermodels and ani- (a well-known example is the kiwi). females taking part in a question- the country, we are expected to go of animals in scientific research for mal rights campaigners were united A national possum eradication pro- naire, more than two thirds of peo- into the wider world with knowledge the advance of science, for example against the use of fur. gramme is underway, costing the ple disagreed with fur being used and opinions, so I have compiled aiding the understanding of debili- As is the case in science, when country $50m annually. One way as a fashion accessory. The vast the thoughts of Silwood residents tating diseases of animals including an opinion is formed it is often that has been developed to help majority did, however, agree that on this, a subject especially close to humans. However I do have issues not a one-sided argument. Should raise funds to cover this is the in cases such as the Australian our hearts. with rabbits or other animals being animal fur be used in fashion? I sale of possum fur products. Once bushtail possum, fur clothing is a Bunny boots have been photo- bred and killed for the sole purpose own leather shoes; however these killed, possums are put through a good way to raise funds for much graphed on many a celebrity this of their skins being used to make cows were not bred solely for their ‘possum plucker’, removing their needed and financially restricted winter and shops have complained someone look ‘cool’. It is not even hide, their meat was used too. There fur, which is then made into conservation. that they have not been supplied as if the skins are a utilised by- are also the cases where I feel ani- jumpers, socks, gloves and nipple The possum fur nipple warmers with enough to cope with demand. product of meat used by the hungry mal fur being used is a good thing. warmers (yes that’s right, nipple did not go down so well, with only Apart from the major practicality locals in these countries, who are Take the example of the Australian warmers) to sell to locals and tour- one person admitting they would drawback of them being cream or without a doubt earning less than bushtail possum (Trichosurus ists alike. wear them. Letters to the Editor

Pembridge prank ‘cover the cost’ of the damage, that’s Yours, tics employed to incite smokers into times the end justifies the means”, proves costly about two and a half grand. I had a Name and department supplied retaliation. so I suspect they were created by look at the toilet and someone has This evening inflammatory notic- disgruntled staff who resent the no- Dear Editor, taken the paper down leaving no es were placed on every table, smoking rules. damage to walls or the paintwork at Smoking ban clearly designed to taunt smokers. I encourage everyone who, like Has anyone got a clue what is all and if you have a look round the The signs carried a cartoon of a me, detests being forced to inhale going on with Pembridge students place that toilet is somewhat unique Dear Editor, man smashing through a brick wall, others’ fumes to visit DaVinci’s this being fined? Apparently a toilet was in that respect. What’s with the huge with an AK-47 in one hand and an month and submit their feedback to wallpapered with newspaper and cost? Surely they cannot fine over I would like to applaud the Union’s UZI in the other, guns blazing. The the Union. rumour has it with some skill. A 100 innocent people when no actual decision to make DaVinci’s bar words NO SMOKING were painted student prank, and not a bad one at damage has been done, but we are smoke-free. Smoking is antisocial, on the wall in dripping graffiti. When Kind regards, that either. However the whole hall told if we do not pay it will be taken selfish and inconsiderate, so I am I asked a girl behind the bar about Willard Wheezer has been given a fine of £20 each to straight out of our deposits. disgusted by the unscrupulous tac- the signs, I was told that “some- (Real name and dept supplied) Felix 8 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

Columns [email protected] The Neighbours generation people together – if you’re still hav- school. Our parents had the Beatles, end. I’ve emailed and called Mark that has consistently ignored their ing trouble meeting people in halls, our grandparents WWII. We have Thompson, BBC Director-General, opinions on the war in Iraq, and just start up a conversation about Neighbours! but, alas, to no avail. higher education? Izzy’s illegitimate baby or the Sky- But does my 16-year relationship Is swearing an oath in the British Lana lesbianism. (outstripping any sexual relation- Told to swear allegiance to mentality? Are you proud to be Let’s not forget the lunchtime sit- ship I’ve had by more than 15 years) the nation British? I can imagine people being ting. Neighbours also airs at 1.40pm, have to come to an end? Thousands happy to swear an oath of national- a highly inconvenient time as many of final year students are facing not Recently the Government released ism in overtly patriotic countries, lectures start at 2pm – something I only the daunting prospect of hav- plans for every child in the country such as the US and Australia. But think College should look into. Don’t ing to get a job, but the far more to swear allegiance to the UK when not in Britain. I am more ashamed think that if you’ve managed to catch heart-stopping realisation that once they turn 18. The idea being that if of objects of nationalism than proud. by RUPERT NEATE the early edition there’s no point they get said job they will miss both we had all stood up, listened to the The flag of St George has been watching it later. You’ll pick up on sittings of daily nourishment. I for national anthem and said something seized by the far right as a symbol all the underlying nuances, and will one found this such a burden that along the lines of “As a British citizen, of racism. Neighbours has to be Imperial stu- be able to impress your mates with I’ve put off getting a proper job for I affirm my loyalty to Britain and its Are we even a United Kingdom? dents’ most watched TV show. At amazing fortune-telling abilities. another year. people”, then we would all respect Would Scottish, Welsh and Northern 5.35pm every afternoon, students Neighbours has been one of the For those of you who haven’t each other and the world would be a Irish people be comfortable swear- can put away their books and relax only stable influences in my life been able to secure sabbatical posi- better place. Hardly likely, is it? ing allegiance to a Britain they might in front of a group of shoddy acting, – I’m not from a two parent family tions, don’t worry – I’m fighting for How does Charles Clarke, Home not feel part of? good looking Australians. Not only is anymore, but Neighbours has stood Neighbours to be rescheduled or Secretary, expect young people to Any answers? Email felix@ic. Neighbours fantastic telly, it brings by me since year four of primary for an omnibus edition at the week- swear allegiance to a government ac.uk. The girl about town

friend of mine, who, to be fair, sent Let me know whether you find it nally insane amongst the female posed IC-UCL merger would’ve let him non-anonymous ego-flattering funny too. No, really. No-one likes a population would run for the hills on us demolish the building midway messages, rather than insults. Alas. man who takes life too seriously! this one! between them, and take over the My mother’s test – making a guy Black humour aside, there’s only Alas, the pertinent question arises. ruins of Buckingham Palace with angry, to see whether he’d be violent one thing I want you all to focus on. How much would one choose to lie/ our new super-site. Alas, this is not or psychotic towards you – has been No, not the comparative failure of embellish/exaggerate one’s achieve- to be, since a key academic involved failed miserably. ‘Hospital Watch’, which has yielded ments in order to get another into in the merger plans is too busy This, along with his non-existent one Orlando Bloom lookalike with bed? Conventional wisdom dictates feasting his eyes amongst the cur- erection and permanent beer gut, hideous dress sense, adding more that women are drawn to capability, rent second year talent. seem to come along with smoking amusement to the unexpected and thus power. However, the people I would consider heading over to a small greenhouse-worth of wacky appearances by gangster Sikh from with the most to offer tend to be the UCL to check out the talent, but baccy every week for the past four time to time. I really don’t under- most silent on this matter, and by I’ve never met a more vacuous set by STORMY WOODS years. Stoners are not for Stormy. stand how somebody could think extension, the most single. Perhaps of good-looking guys in my life. Give It’s not just my mother who has that promoting a fundamentalist relationships are for the more mis- me the talented and funny Imperial Looking back, dear readers, I can- a test. There’s my very own one, agenda whilst quizzing a girl as to guided amongst us. chap any day. Let’s forgive him once not quite fathom exactly how last which determines whether a guy what she’d like in a partner for the Apologies for having to bitch about more for boasting since he’s actually week’s entry came about. Stormy is will understand me or not. It’s based entirety of the date would endear the considerable boasting I’ve had made it so close to a girl (an experi- horny (again), and out on the prowl. around reactions to a very sick joke, himself to her. Similarly, rolling up to put up with this week – the week ence which the current second year The object of last week’s affec- which as a medic I really shouldn’t with a list of profoundly worrying the medics are forced to think about in physics are currently celebrating tion has revealed himself to be an be laughing hysterically at. The only character traits, including the need their elective (studying abroad) their Celtic friend with an unsettling uptight philistine, completely unable chap I’ve ever had true feelings for to carry weapons (the ceremonial placements a whole fifteen months Asian fetish for doing!) to cope with a couple of paranoia- laughed at it for ages and saw the Sikh sword plus a pair of numchucks away. It’s a shame that a placement And it’s on that note, I’d like to inducing prank emails and dirty text sardonic humour in such a dark from his days as a ‘professional wit- in England is looked upon unfavour- leave you. It’s the failures and mis- messages. He’s got so angry over image. ness’ at a known Rudeboy hotspot), ably, since we’ve got the leading haps that are the pillars of success. what, to me, is an exercise in jest, What’s funnier than a dead baby? isn’t a conventional aphrodisiac in research institutes right upon our From gangster Sikh to the humour- and is completely avoiding a good A dead baby in a clown suit. any shape or form. Even the crimi- doorstep. I could’ve sworn the pro- less stoner, the only way is up! Analyse them Day 1. The ratio technology (let’s forget medicine) quite remember the last time I saw tions, getting drunk and throwing haven’t you understood? so many girls together (perhaps at up all over Beit Quad), then the only One of the reasons for the choice Let’s put this in an easier way for that party with South Kensington people we can blame for this miser- of Imperial College as my research you to analyse: firefighters’ unit? Or maybe the able situation are ourselves. environment is, obviously, the girl- Guys ñ science + technology Christmas I spent with the troops So come on, start showering boy ratio. Yes, I bet most of you = abstract thinking ≠ (paint- in Iraq...) once a week, buy a new second- haven’t realized, but we have an ing and colouring).(animals and But why does it seem to me that hand set of clothes in Portobello astonishing 65 guys for every 35 people).(decorating houses).(writing this college only has about 7.3% of Market, start reading poetry and girls! How lucky are we? and reading) = humanities and arts females? I could be harsh and say watching flowers blossom, and you The purpose of this week’s article ï Girls it’s because a big percentage of girls and I will see, in 3478925347825 is to consider the following ques- So, if you were a girl, would you here look like boys or because they years’ time, great changes taking tions: prefer sciences to healing people never leave their classrooms, but I’ll place (perhaps, and let’s be auda- by DIOGO GERALDES 1. Why do we have only 35% girls? or expressing yourself artistically? leave this question open for you to cious, raising the ratio to 37.3% to 2. Where are those 35%? (If so, sorry, but you shouldn’t be think about it. 62.7%). Let’s do it! Most of you know me as “the irritat- 3. How do boys behave? reading this article...) 3. This really embarrassing ratio, 4. I still can’t remember anything ing guy in the back row that makes 4. Something else that I forgot now, Girls, unless they are real gen- the lowest on Earth right after the to put here, so I’ll leave it for next lots of noise during classes”. But the but I’ll include when I remember it. iuses or couldn’t get into medicine percentage of girls working as taxi time (if they let me continue writing time has come for me to reveal my or have some fetish for engineering, drivers and postmen, can’t only be this outrageous column!) true identity: I am a social anthro- Here’s my attempt at answering don’t come to Imperial. (Don’t start the girls’ fault. PS. If you took this article too per- pologist researching at Imperial those questions. saying all that bollocks about equal- If we, guys, behave as we do (nerd- sonally, I would recommend that you College. 1. In case you haven’t noticed, ity and stuff, because we all know ing a bit here, nerding a bit there, not get a life (you can start by buying a The main objectives of this col- you’re studying at a so-called “col- this will continue to happen for at shaving, not putting in a minimum sense of humour!) umn are to analyse and interpret the lege of science, technology and med- least the next 30 years.) effort with dressing up, not having behaviour of people at IC in general. icine”. So, what part of science and 2. Well, 35% is quite a lot! I can’t intelligent and sensible conversa- ● Comments? [email protected]

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED! Why not get active in the community whilst you’re at Imperial College London? It doesn’t matter if you work or study in Imperial – volunteering will have always something to offer you! We have over 250 volunteering opportunities in our database, so there should be a project for you.

The easiest way to get regular updates about volunteering is by signing up to our mailing list. You will receive all the latest opportunities on a weekly basis, directly to your email inbox. Simply send us an email to [email protected], clearly stating that you want to receive the weekly news bulletin and we will do the rest!

Imperial Volunteer Centre

email phone check out volunteering 020 www. Imperial Volunteer Centre @ 7594 imperial.ac.uk/ imperial.ac.uk 8141 volunteering South Kensington campus Union Building Beit Quadrangle East Basement Linking opportunities Prince Consort Road IN PARTNERSHIP WITH IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION London SW7 2BB Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 11

FEATURE [email protected] Entertain: the charity ball

By Alex Rathmell better. After a blistering first set, ond set. Packed with classics, their were flowing. through the unfailing enthusiasm, they began running up a healthy bar show ended with the whole room on The night culminated in a commitment and expertise of the Last Saturday, the Sherfield Building tab, handing the torch over to rock its feet, dancing in the aisles. Huge trademark set from Fabric resi- event’s organisers, Richard Jordan, was transformed for a night of live band Cartel to get underway in the thanks go to the whole band for dent DJ MacPherson, before the Mark Rivkin and Kylie Daniels. music, dancing and drinking to raise Great Hall. delivering the goods once again. You audience dispersed and the lights Organising an event on this scale is money for communities affected by All the way from Stoke-on-Trent can see them for the last time before went down. challenging enough, but to do it for the tsunami. The Great Hall was (someone’s got to be), Cartel’s Easter on Thursday 17 March in In all, the evening raised several zero cost, so that every penny of unrecognisable, decked out with unique brand of melody-driven dB’s, and I suggest you do, if only for thousand pounds, which is to be ticket sales goes to charity, is a fan- a huge stage, speaker stacks that punk-rock, interspersed with their unfailingly entertaining range split between Oxfam and Action Aid tastic achievement. looked like Stonehenge, and a bar comedy banter and shameless plug- of hats. for redevelopment in the areas hit But no money would have been of similar proportions. Another bar ging of CDs, went down a storm. Everyone then seemed to pile by the tsunami. The money will be raised without those of you who had appeared in the Ante Room, The crowd bounced their way en masse into the Great Hall for used, amongst other things, to pro- paid your tenner and came along catering for thirsty punters enjoying through a 45-minute set encompass- some up-beat tunes from DJ Mark vide local people with tools, mate- on the night. You’ve really made a more live entertainment in the Main ing plenty of the band’s own cata- Rivkin, followed by the final band of rials, shelter and wages as they difference, and shared Imperial’s Dining Hall. logue and even an unlikely Franz the evening, the gloriously monik- rebuild their communities and get best night of entertainment this The famous Big Band kicked off Ferdinand cover. You can catch ered Our Souls. Their set was a themselves back on their feet. It year. So thank you. But you don’t the proceedings, beginning their Cartel at this Friday’s Rock City high-velocity trip round almost was all made possible through the have to stop there. Real change to fourth gig in four days. It didn’t event at the Union – I’ll be down the every genre of popular music imagi- support of production companies help the world’s poor will come only show. In fact, this reviewer had seen front, spilling my beer. nable, all delivered in a foot-shuf- Orbital Sound and Sound2Light, from sustained effort. So do your bit all three of their preceding shows, Meanwhile in the MDH, the Big flingly funky style. The crowd was the generosity of the bands and today, and let’s not wait for the next and, if anything, they were getting Band were launching into their sec- shaking its thing and the drinks DJs, the bars and the caterers, and tsunami.

Clockwise from top left: Cartel, Our Souls, the Jazz Big Band, and Our Souls again Felix 12 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

Clubs & Societies [email protected] Ten things I can do that you can’t EPISODE SEVEN: Frisbee freestyle

JUGGLING CLUB Hold the frisbee like you’re 1 2 about to throw it, but instead of throwing it a long way, By Chris Rowlands throw it only a short distance and with so much spin your Avid readers of Felix may wrist snaps [see picture 1]. have noticed a large number Do it a bit less next time of reports in the sports pages though. When it comes back involving the little known but down, put your finger under- very sexy sport of Ultimate neath it and let the frisbee Frisbee. It is a fact of life spin on your nail. This is actu- that frisbees are cool, but if ally quite tricky as you have you don’t really fancy run- to move your finger so that ning around after 175g of it is under the lowest part of aerodynamic plastic, there is the frisbee. But once it’s spin- the more sedate alternative ning, you can appear both of Frisbee Freestyle. smooth and sophisticated, as While they’re not getting Steve demonstrates [see pic- Vietnamese children to sew ture 2]. clothes together for Tiger From this position, you can Woods to flaunt himself in, toss it into the air and catch it a certain multinational com- again, bounce it off your knee pany recently decided that or grind it on your teeth. You Freestyle was rather stylish. can also perform chest rolls Since they spent rather a [see picture 3] and back rolls large amount of money on the [see picture 4], although you 3 4 idea, it would seem a shame may find this easier if you not to at least try it. The basic move your pony tail out of idea is that you spin the fris- the way. bee very fast, then toss it Once you’ve mastered all around your body in a variety of the above, you are ready to of silly ways. Next, toss it to further your mystical journey someone else, who does their into the finer aspects of fris- own mean little manoeuvre, beetarianism (the belief that much like a plastic-assisted when someone dies, “his soul breakdancing face-off, but gets flung onto a roof, and without the bling and inevi- just stays there” – George table 14-year-old ghetto kid Carlin). For this, I can high- going “man, that was whack ly recommend contacting fo’ shizzle”. [email protected] and telling The first thing to do is get us how clever you are. We’ll your frisbee and spray the be in the union on Tuesdays underneath with silicon spray. from 6pm onwards, and just This will make it nice and before this article ends, I’d slippery and make perform- like to thank the IC Disc ing tricks much easier. Feel Doctors for the loan of one free to make anything else of their frisbees, a replica nice and slippery as you see of which can be seen in the fit, and make sure you trim Union Bar for those of you your nails since they’re going with sharp eyes and a taste 1. Throw the frisbee a very short distance, with a lot of spin; 2. ‘Catch’ it and let it spin on your fingernail; to be important in a minute. for real ale. 3. Try a ‘chest roll’ if you’re feeling adventurous; 4. Or even a ‘back roll’ Dramsoc presents... an evening of farcical fun

DRAMSOC wearing nothing but their in only a few hours and some tive. This is achieved by turn- underwear and sardines that people have had only a catnap ing the whole set around dur- can manage to attack actors behind the sofa in the last 48 ing the second act! No mean By Tom Cafferkey at all the wrong moments? hours, things are getting a bit feat... but the show must go The play is based on a thea- stressful. With missed cues, on, even though there’s utter Ladies and gentlemen, three tre group’s production Noises doors that can’t open, and bedlam backstage and the minutes until curtain. No On, but things are not going characters being assaulted matinée is descending into a two… or is it one? However well. With Lloyd, the sarcas- with various bunches of flow- complete nightmare! long you have to wait until tic and perfectionist director, ers, nothing starts smoothly. I have to recommend this seeing the latest DramSoc clashing with Selsdon, a geri- This play really captures latest offering from our resi- production, Noises Off by atric, alcohol-dependent old the stress and sometimes dent thespians, as it brings Michael Frayne, it will be too hack, and angry lovers being extreme panic that settles in together wit with intellectual long! chased with fire axes, this during any production. The offerings, which many farces Directed by Andre Refig, promises to provide enter- inherent trick in Noises Off is find difficult. Showing Monday this is sure to be an evening tainment throughout. how the cast have to execute 14 March to Thursday 17 of farcical fun. How could It starts with a rehearsal for the same dialogue and com- March at 7.30pm in the Union anyone miss out on a play Noises On, which frankly isn’t plex entrances and moves, Concert Hall, it’s only £4:50 Female leads wearing nothing but their underwear? It that contains female leads going well. As the show is on but from the reverse perspec- for students and £6 others. must be Noises Off, next week’s Dramsoc play Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 13

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Want to do something different this summer?

IMPERIAL COLLEGE the advancing poverty, soar- with unemployment rates ris- Imperial College Aid to the some cases get in the way summer. ICAB is merely the AID TO THE BALKANS ing crime and persistent sec- ing to 80-90% in some Roma Balkans (ICAB) is a new soci- and even exacerbate the mediator; it will be the stu- tarian violence that we see gypsy communities. It is ety that will organise volun- problems they are there to dent who decides when to today. feared by many that Bulgaria teer placements to Bosnian alleviate. We hope, however, go, where they go and who to Since 1989, when Bulgaria runs the risk of losing the and Bulgarian orphanages that ICAB will be able to offer go with. This is an opportu- began the transition to new generation to a lack of and children’s homes start- a valuable resource and will nity to do something different democracy and market econ- educational opportunities ing this summer. Many of the fill a demand for staff that this summer, to learn about omy, the society has under- and a breakdown of the tradi- problems in these institutions plagues these institutions. another part of the world, and gone significant upheaval. tional social support network stem from a lack of staff. We Our overall aim is achievable help out at some of the most While enjoying the gains in without replacement with the hope students from Imperial and coherent: to provide a understaffed institutions in terms of human rights and new. can provide worthwhile sup- memorable summer experi- the two troubled countries. civil liberties, quality of life While laying to waste much port to the existing carers ence for some of the most To find out more about the has declined most acutely for of the original state welfare, and help fill this gap during disadvantaged children in Balkans and ICAB, please the poorest and most socially the cultural transision neces- their stay. Europe. come to one of our meetings: By Joseph Ward marginalised. sitated to provide support for There is of course a danger The trips will be in groups on Thursday 10 March (today) and Oliver Todd Now bereft of the state orphans and disabled children that this charity will become of four and last a minimum at Charing Cross Seminar enterprise that once shoul- otherwise has been slow. The part of a so called ‘NGO syn- of two weeks. Our sister room B1 (basement of the Stability has long been dered its burden, the mono- adoption of orphans is a new drome’. It is no exaggeration organisation OXAB has been Reynolds), or on Tuesday 15 a stranger to the Balkans. lithic state institutions of old phenonemon in Bulgaria, to say that often well mean- running similar projects for March at South Kensington Throughout history, the are in neglect. The young, and in its early stages has ing, but essentially ineffec- several years with much Campus, SAFB room 121 region has been the battle- female and ethnic minori- often been exclusive of ethnic tive, western organisations success, and through these opposite lecture theatre 1. ground of Europe, and this ties were hardest hit my the minorities and the physically do little to help in the coun- links we have already set up You can also visit our website, provides the backdrop for recent economic depression disabled. tries they operate in, and in placements for Imperial this www.icab.org.uk. Christie backs Free Weights Club

ball. Importantly it also has FREE WEIGHTS a strong contingent of non- sports club members, many For those of you who don’t of whom are members of know, the students’ union has other clubs and societies. a gem of a club housed in the We have around 80 square basement of the Southside metres of floor space, includ- Building, off Exhibition Road. ing zones for bench press, Yes, it’s a Free Weights squats, free weight barbell and Club focused on general fit- dumbbell exercises as well as ness and specific sporting fit- a number of free weight and ness needs. It’s not exactly fixed weight machines for free, but it is cheap and it has specific muscle group work- a great range of high qual- outs. Warming up, there is a ity equipment. The term ‘free bicycle and there are mats for weight’ is used because we stretching. have barbells and dumbbells The club has two qualified which are used while exercis- instructors but in addition has ing without the direct control recently enlisted the services afforded by the arms or levers of a well-known advocate of of a machine. free weights. Linford Christie Formed in the late 1980s, the has competed and won at the club has grown significantly highest level in his sport. He to have around 250 members won Olympic gold in the 100 each year for the past few metres in Barcelona in 1992 in years. In the past five years addition to world and national around £25,000 of members’ titles. Free weights have been funds has been invested in an integral part of his training upgrading the equipment to a programme for over 25 years. high standard. We asked Linford what he Isn’t free weights just for saw as the benefits of using bodybuilders and Olympic free weights. He told us that weightlifters, I hear you ask? “free weights challenges you Of course bodybuilders use to ensure you get your tech- free weights just as they use nique right so you can apply machines. However, your free maximum effort (both physi- weights gym is not focused cal and mental) so you can Imperial Free Weights Club members with Olympic gold medallist Linford Christie on being a bodybuilding keep on improving your per- club. Certainly, people can formance”. isolating a muscle group or a and experience come into just for the elite? “No way. on, I value facilities like this build their body mass in the Elaborating, he said: few muscle groups. When you play. You should lift with good All of the squad members and am keen to see people gym, but the focus is on gen- “When you do free weights use free weights, all muscle technique and according to (both male and female) I have make as much use of them as eral fitness and supplement- it is important to make sure groups are in use, whether as your capability and not that trained with over the years possible to help achieve their ing sports fitness training you use each muscle group prime or secondary movers of others. For some of these have used free weights and goals – whether sporting or through lifting weights. The effectively. For each exercise or indeed as stabilisers. That exercises, like the bench so did my competition and just general fitness. I did not aim is improved strength, you need to know what are is a key reason why sports press, you should have a their colleagues. I certainly have a gym like this available power and endurance. the prime or secondary move- people have a preference for spotter or helper present in see the same in other sports. to me when I first got going. Free weight training is a ment muscles and what are free weights”. case you feel you need some And of course in the gyms It’s a great asset and I can’t preferred means of develop- the stabilising muscles. You In respect of machines ver- help. If you are working to a I have trained in over the believe that the students only ing elements of specific fit- need to know the right way sus free weights, Linford com- programme you shouldn’t be years I have seen lots of non- pay £25 a year to use it. The ness for many sports. For to push or lower a weight. If mented: “I do use machines going overboard anyway. By sportspeople use free weights Union has done well by its example, to be considered you do this and get your tech- from time to time and you all means aspire to do what to good effect. I have been members”. for the elite squad of English nique right you can then face have some here. They are others have achieved, but invited many times to give Whether you just want to rugby, you must be an effec- the mental challenge of lifting without doubt useful and have take the necessary steps and advice to schoolkids who are improve your fitness or are tive user of free weights able the weights according to the their place. However, you just precautions in getting there.” encouraged and keen to use seeking to achieve your goal to do lifts such as the clean programme you are working don’t face the same challenge Do you think you would have free weights.” of sports stardom, your Free and the snatch. to and aim at improvements” with lifts such as the free achieved your goals without Why get involved with our Weights Club will be delighted The Free Weights Club Anything else? “Yes, when weight bench press and free using free weights? “No I gym? “Well I do know some to see you. Visit us in the enjoys the membership of you are competing or training weight squat”. don’t. Machines just cannot of the past and present mem- basement of the Southside sportspeople from a vari- for your sport it’s very rare Mmm, but isn’t there a dan- do enough for you if you want bers and I am doing quite a Building or contact our club ety of clubs including bad- that your muscles work in iso- ger you might lift too much to reach the pinnacle of your bit toward helping people in secretary for more informa- minton, water polo, martial lation. When you use most and get injured? “Well no, sport.” their endeavours. Although tion about joining and using arts, rowing, rugby and foot- machines you are typically that’s where common sense In which case, are they we have an Olympic bid going the facilities. Felix 14 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Behind the scenes at Question Time Two members of Imperial’s own television station found their way behind the scenes when David Dimbleby and his team set up shop in the Great Hall last week

STOIC total, 30 people were need- ed to get the show on the air. This made me stop and By Louisa Evans think. Maybe that’s where we’ve been going wrong at Did anyone notice those three STOIC (Student Television Of large, white trucks parked up Imperial College). We usually by the Sherfield Building? have one guy on sound, one One of them had a microwave on each camera (often just dish sticking out of the top, one) and one guy to do vision with the sacred markings of mixing and directing (obvi- the media on it: ‘BBC’. Simply ously slightly redundant – or looking upon the three letters so we thought – with only one brought thrills of excitement camera). Hmm. to the passers-by: I know, It wasn’t until later that the I saw you all turning your really exciting kit arrived, in heads in excitement – I was the shape of eight large for- watching you from the walk- mat cameras and one ‘glam way! cam’ – a guy dressed in black The political heavyweight of running about the stage with the televisual airwaves was in a hugely complicated but London. Question Time had impressively effective steadi- arrived at our very own Great cam, followed closely behind Hall. Kept that quiet, didn’t by a guy carrying the cables. they?! It doesn’t sound like a great Well, I suppose it is under- job description, but it was fast standable really. They work and you get to be on tel- wouldn’t want a bunch of evision loads! nosy students rocking up and Shortly after everything pestering them with excited was plugged in, the floor man- questions, would they? Well, ager called us over to actu- I ignored what my common ally sit as the panel to finalise sense was screaming at me the camera shots to be used, and went behind the scenes the lighting and the sound. to watch how a real television Very cool. I didn’t dare move, programme is put together. but just about the best bit The setup started at 7.30am was when they did a steadi- Imperial’s Great Hall is transformed into a BBC studio and by 10am the set was built, cam rehearsal for the title the lighting rigged and the sequence. Special Branch! was followed by an entourage own camera, until he start- prised – and impressed gleaming white letters say- “Cue music! And go!” and “Err, no!” I stammered. of trendily-dressed young ed waving his hand at me – to find that we did all of our ing ‘London’ had been laid the Question Time theme The woman asking me was ladies gushing at him about and pointing urgently as the work for the sheer love of it out ready for inspection by tune rang out over our heads taken aback by my abrupt, if how great it was to see him theme tune rolled out once and didn’t get any accredi- the set designer, Paul Devine. as the lights came up. Even faltering, response, “gosh no, etc, and as soon as he arrived again. At first I thought he tation towards our degrees. No one was overly impressed cooler. I don’t know who Karen is, I’m all the newspaper-reading was just being friendly, even I stopped short of giving when some careless footwork Probably the most amusing just a student!” It wasn’t until loungers seemed to sit up a humouring me. Then I real- him a business card though on my part sent them flying events of the day in hindsight later that it dawned on me. bit more straight and a hush ised it wasn’t quite a cheeky (I got them done for free at so they had to be relaid, but was when one of the crew Far from seeking out a fugi- descended on the crew. Well, glint in his eye and I dropped VistaPrint, trouble is, that’s the crew were looking a bit approached me rather ten- tive who had gone into hiding to some extent. The uber-cool the camera out of sight, like a exactly what they say on the bored so I thought I’d give tatively and asked if I was at Imperial College, the two pointedly ignored his arrival paparazzi caught red-handed. back). Besides, I had given them something to do. Karen. Before I could reply police officers were probably in an ‘I-know-you’re-here-but- He was fairly jovial about it, one to Paul Devine earlier in The set designer took me she said, “...because there interested in the fact that I’m-choosing-to-ignore-you’ explaining to me that rehears- the day, and he’d even come through the setup stage by are two guys from Special the Home Secretary, Charles way. als are, in fact, confidential over to our studio... obviously stage. To light the four guests Branch looking for you down Clarke MP, and the shadow There was definitely a and asked me who I was film- to see who his closest rivals and David Dimbleby took there, can you go and talk to home secretary, David Davis change in atmosphere in ing for. I gushed and giggled in the ruthless world of media no less than 72 individual them?” MP, were about to show up. response to Dimbleby’s arriv- out an answer, much to my were and steal our secrets. lights. Sound was provided I practically jumped out of Dimbleby himself arrived a al though. He did a couple own embarrassment. All the The show went on air at by two sets of microphones my seat. I definitely wasn’t few hours before the show of interviews for them (more cameras were trained on me 10.35pm. Apart from the bit for each of the panellists and Karen and on no account was to go on air. It was really ever-so-grateful gushing) and at the time – this wasn’t how when Charles Clarke MP six boom mikes over various did I want to be mistaken for interesting seeing him walk then moved on to recording I had wanted to introduce dropped his tie-clip micro- areas of the audience and, in anyone who was wanted by on set. A bit stereotypically, he the trailer for the show to be myself! phone and nearly burst our broadcast in only a couple of Rehearsals were pretty eardrums, the recording hours, before the news. He quick and we were sat in looked ridiculously easy. was a lot more playful and the audience and grilled by Everything ran so smoothly. light-hearted than I imag- Dimbleby (again – but in a Almost like a STOIC produc- ined – the serious, hard-hit- nice way) as part of the sound tion. It had made for a pretty ting Dimbleby seemed to be check. That was pretty excit- informative and very excit- reserved for the politicians ing too. The topic of the day ing day for all – Dimbleby only, and I felt very smug at was the case of the young had never imagined getting that. He clearly enjoyed his Muslim girl who had won the on STOIC. work and spoke of how it was case against her school about Dramsoc helped the crew very important for the BBC her wish to wear a more take down their kit, and real- to keep the public informed modest uniform in accord- ity fell upon us all once more. of global events that changed ance with her view of Islam. The tantalising, heady touch the lives of thousands of peo- I thought I had the subject off of the media world had passed ple as well as the domestic pat, but when you get pointed and, as we stood there, wav- politics hitting our headlines at by the man himself and the ing the trucks off into the on most days. whole crew is silent (with the moonlight, we all shared the The trailer took only two director in the outside broad- same thought. Could we put takes, with the minimal cast truck outside), it feels this on our CVs as work expe- amount of fuss and both- like being interrogated by the rience if we applied to the er. Then it was down to Gestapo! I was truly in awe of BBC? rehearsals. Again, I was a his superpowers. For more information little bemused – Dimbleby, I got to chat to Dimbleby about making television pro- rehearsing? But it was true: after the rehearsals were grammes or filming events, I saw it with my own eyes. I over on a PR venture promot- contact us at info@stoictv. STOIC’s David Balfour practises his debating skills on the Question Time panel even recorded it with STOIC’s ing STOIC. He was quite sur- com. Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 15

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] April event Pictures from an exhibition Thursday 14 April FameLab™ PHOTOSOC feel to a section of our exhibi- state of the art ballot box, spe- tion. The photos are roughly cially cobbled together from Time: 11.00–20.00 split between digital and film spare bits in the dark room, By Saeed Amen prints, both black and white just in time for the opening and colour. Digital prints are evening. I’m sure everyone at Imperial certainly more of a feature in Also exhibiting alongside Do you want to become the new knows where the Sherfield this exhibition compared to Photosoc are some jewellery Building is. Apart from being previous years. For the first sculptures which look impos- face of science? ‘that place where we have time, we are also exhibiting a sible to create. If you have got exams and go to the JCR’, set of camera phone photos, any spare time, make sure it also boasts the Blyth Art by Gus Sepp. you visit the gallery before 20 Gallery on its fifth floor. This As in previous years, awards March when the exhibition FameLab is a national competition to find the is the annual setting for were given for the best photos ends to see our award win- UK's best new talent in science communication. Photosoc’s exhibition, dis- at the opening evening (last ning work! playing the best work from Thursday). Rather than the If exhibiting in a real art gal- Win broadcasting time on Channel 4, our members. committee judging, the task lery sounds good to you, join This year the committee was given to Richard Dickins, Photosoc and you’ll be able a masterclass in science communication, designated the (optional) director of music at Imperial, to take part in next year’s a schedule of speaking events and £2000. theme to be ‘Exploring Time’. and Mindy Lee, the College’s exhibition. Photosoc holds The theme was deliberate- arts animateur, both of whom meetings every Thursday at Come along to take part in the London round of ly made to be quite vague, helped organise the exhibi- 1pm in dBs and events (some performing science in order to give members tion along with the Photosoc subsidised) throughout the the auditions. freedom to interpret it. As a committee and members. term, ranging from photo result, our exhibition has a The overall winner was shooting trips to studio ses- real mix of photos, some quite Kristina Buch, with runners- sions to darkroom tutorials. wacky shots as well as more up in colour (Sarah Shemilt) It’s great to see that we have and You will be given a maximum of three minutes conventional prints. and black and white (Pavlos so many photographers at in which to impress the judges, who will be Half of the photos are Papaefstathiou). Also new this Imperial. With the prolifera- framed, with the rest being year was the audience vote, tion of camera phones, this looking for entertaining, exciting talks that mounted directly on foam won by Fenella Beynon. The number is sure to increase in board to give an experimental vote was conducted using a the future. engage the audience. Talks can be aimed at any age range. If you are successful you will go through to the second round, and will be asked to give a different five-minute talk in the afternoon.

To enter FameLab you must be at least 18 years old and working in the fields of science, technology, engineering or maths. Come along on 14 April for the regional auditions at the Dana Centre and present any scientific topic to our panel of judges. eating, drinking To find out more see the Dana Centre website:

for www.danacentre.org.uk

Dana Centre, Wellcome Wolfson Building, 165 Queen’s Gate, SW7 5HE

place Gloucester Road

This is a smoke-free environment. Disabled parking only. Residents’ parking restrictions apply until 22.00. The

The Dana Centre is a collaboration between the BA (British Association for the Advancement of Science), The European Dana Top: Kristina Buch with her winning photograph. Bottom: keen observers enjoying this Alliance for the Brain (EDAB) and the Science Museum. It is part of the new Wellcome Wolfson Building, which is supported by year’s Photosoc exhibition in the Blyth Gallery, Sherfield four principal donors - the Wellcome Trust, the Wolfson Foundation, The Dana Foundation and the Garfield Weston Foundation. Felix 16 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] All new Arts Fest ends on a high

ARTS FEST 2005 the Dance Marathon. Later that day, over 150 charitable souls attended the By Barnaby Adams Tsunami Appeal Concert fea- turing Symphony Orchestra, Had any one heard of the Arts Choir and Big Band. Fest until a few weeks ago? I Considering that the event certainly hadn’t, but that out- was free, with voluntary dona- rageously pukish pink public- tions only, the total of over ity campaign somehow man- £450 was astounding and was aged to get over 250 people to testament to the generosity of attend the variety show that Imperial students and staff. was the Arts Fest 2005 Finale Jazz Big Band as usual Concert. pulled in the crowds and As well as more tradition- performed their ‘Atomic Big ally ‘artsy’ items such as per- Band’ show to a packed dBs. formances by Imperial Brass, It’s a pity that the Union isn’t Sinfonietta and IC String always this bustling, as a fant- Ensemble, the Finale Concert abulous night was had by all. showcased everything from Much overlooked, but dance to martial arts. not forgotten, was the Art The highlight for me was Exhibition in the Blyth Gallery. the capoeira demonstration. Not only was I impressed by I’m not sure anyone in the the quality, but also the imagi- audience had ever seen or nation evident in the works heard of the Brazilian martial displayed, all of which were art before. Everyone seemed by Imperial students. enthralled by the unique fusion In summary, I felt that Arts of South American music, self Fest 2005 was a week of high defence and dance. There quality, fun and free events were certainly a few worried which perhaps deserved looks and gasps from the more notice. crowd when the Capoeiristas It remains to be seen wheth- started bashing their swords er Arts Fest 2005 will be suc- together... I’m not sure the cessful in getting more people Union steward standing next interested in artistic pursuits, to me, shifting in his boots, as was its aim. Certainly the enjoyed it so much. attendance was improved at With entertaining, and at the established events such times off the wall, commen- as Jazz & Rock and Big Band tary from the evening’s hosts, gigs, but the uptake on some Alyona Andreicheva and of the new events such as the Neville Tam (both dressed to Dance Extravaganza was less the nines), the show was a impressive. Was it because it great demonstration of the was all branded as ‘Arts Fest’, range and quality of perform- which certainly made some ing arts at Imperial College. passers-by refuse flyers with- A special mention should go out a second glance at what to Lara West, a dancer with free events were on offer? Dance Company who broke Regardless, I am looking her foot in their last piece forwards to what Arts Fest but carried on valiantly to the 2006 might have in store. end. Her dedication is admi- rable! The Arts Fest 2005 week opened on the Monday with a “folding session” in the JCR at lunchtime by Origami Society, which was followed in the evening by a Chamber Music Concert. Although the attendance was reasonable, the high standard of ensem- bles deserved a bigger audi- ence. The Jazz and Rock gig night featured sets from four bands playing music ranging from ska to blues rock. At the night’s peak, White Elephant were performing to an appre- ciative audience of over 130 people. My personal high- light was the ska band Circus Penguin, who I thought were worthy of a later slot. The Dance Extravaganza on Wednesday afternoon had a disappointing attendance, perhaps due to the business of sporting activities, but I guess not many people knew what exactly to expect from such a vaguely branded event. The 30 or so who did turn up had more than a pleasant surprise, finding free intro- ductory lessons in capoeira, breakdancing, hip-hop, con- temporary dance, latin and salsa which ran all afternoon – it should have been named Top to bottom: Jazz and Rock gig night in dBs; Capoeira free lesson during the Dance Extravaganza; Dance Company free lesson Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 17

What’s on [email protected] Imperial research first hand. TALK packed audience in dBs. Get HITCH (12A) THURSDAY There will be lectures, HUMAN RIGHTS IN IRAQ: WEDNESDAY there early if you want to sit Daily: 12.20pm, 1.20pm, 3pm, seminars, group discussions PAST, PRESENT AND down! 4pm, 5.40pm, 6.40pm, 8.30pm, 10 MARCH and lab tours. So come down FUTURE 16 MARCH Contact: [email protected] 9.30pm. and see what physics is really 7.30pm HOSTAGE (15) UNION EVENTS all about! Turn to page 5 for Lecture theatre 2, Sir UNION EVENTS Daily: 12.35pm, 3.05pm, ICU CHOIR more information. Alexander Fleming Building DRAMSOC presents 5.35pm, 8.15pm. Fri and Sat SPRING CONCERT: Contact: FREE NOISES OFF FRIDAY only: 11pm. BRAHMS: A GERMAN [email protected] A talk by Jill Knight, Iraqi 7.30pm THE CHORUS (12A) REQUIEM Country Coordinator for Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad 18 MARCH Daily: 12.50pm, 3.10pm, 8pm UNION EVENTS Amnesty International. £4.50 students; £6 others 5.30pm, 8pm. Great Hall, Sherfield Building ROCKSOC presents Contact: An evening of farcical fun UNION EVENTS NINE SONGS (18) On the door: £4/£8 PANDEMONIUM [email protected] from the Dramatic Society. END OF TERM Daily: 2.50pm, 5pm, 7pm, After the death of his moth- 7–11pm See page 12 for more details. SHOWCASE 9.15pm. Fri and Sat only: er in 1865, Brahms’ grief dBs, Beit Quad UNION EVENTS Visit www.dramsoc.org/tickets 8pm–2am 11.10pm. spurred him to compose this £2–£4 DRAMSOC presents Beit Quad THE BOOGEY MAN (15) Requiem. However, instead Rocksoc brings you a night NOISES OFF UNION EVENTS Price TBC Daily: 4.30pm, 9.45pm. Fri and of using the traditional Latin of live music from Hedroom, 7.30pm SPORTS NIGHT Contact: [email protected] Sat only: 11.50pm. text, with its terror of the Pornovurt, Envy and Other Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad 8pm–1am KINSEY (15) Day of Judgement, he care- Sins, and Mr Toms. £4.50 students; £6 others Beit Quad Daily: 12.10pm. fully selected words from the Contact: [email protected] An evening of farcical fun £1 HIDE AND SEEK (15) German Bible that would con- from the Dramatic Society. Carlsberg and Tetley £1 a pint ALL WEEK Mon to Fri: 4.10pm, 9pm. Sun sole the living. Ein Deutches UNION EVENTS See page 12 for more details. all night in all bars. only: 12.15pm. Requiem has since become MALAYSIAN NIGHT Visit www.dramsoc.org/tickets Contact: [email protected] UNION EVENTS HOTEL RWANDA (12A) a Requiem for the early 21st 7pm FAIR TRADE FORTNIGHT Daily: 1.40pm, 6.50pm. century. Great Hall, Sherfield Building See page 8 for details LIFE AQUATIC (15) Contact: [email protected] £9 This fortnight aims to raise Daily: 3.20pm, 8.45pm. You don’t know what it’s like TUESDAY THURSDAY awareness of the ideals of IN GOOD COMPANY (PG) to see the vibrant red of the FairTrade and to promote Mon to Fri: 1.45pm, 6.30pm. hibiscus flowers, to celebrate 15 MARCH 17 MARCH the growing range of fairly- THE SPONGEBOB FRIDAY the festive dances, to taste traded products available. A SQUAREPANTS MOVIE the aromatic food, to see the UNION EVENTS UNION EVENTS stall will be set up at various (12A) 11 MARCH village girls, or one village PARAMOUNT COMEDY DRAMSOC presents points around campus which Sat and Sun only: 11.20pm. girl in particular... come back ON TAP NOISES OFF will offer information and free THE MAGIC UNION EVENTS to the village with us in this 7.30pm 7.30pm samples. ROUNDABOUT (U) ROCK CITY annual theatrical produc- Reynolds Bar, Charing Cross Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad Contact: Sat and Sun only: 10.50am. 8pm–2am tion. Free Malaysian food Hospital £4.50 students; £6 others [email protected] SON OF THE MASK (PG) Beit Quad and a prize draw for a 16 day £4 An evening of farcical fun Sat and Sun only: 10.30am. £3 Europe tour. Featuring Simon Evans, Rhys from the Dramatic Society. CLUBS AND SOCIETIES OCEANS TWELVE (12A) Featuring The Mutts and Contact: Darby and Carey Marx. See page 12 for more details. PHOTOSOC: SPRING Daily: 12.40pm. Mon to Echelon live. Carlsberg and [email protected] Contact: Visit www.dramsoc.org/tickets TERM EXHIBITION Fri: 6pm. Fri and Sat only: Tetley £1 a pint in dBs bar all [email protected] Blyth Music & Arts Centre, 11.20pm. night. UNION EVENTS Level 5, Sherfield Building MEET THE FOCKERS Contact: [email protected] UNION EVENTS JAZZ BIG BAND FREE (12A) MONDAY DRAMSOC presents 8pm Contact: pavlos.papaefstathiou Daily: 2.35pm, 5.10pm, 7.45pm. NOISES OFF dBs, Beit Quad @ic.ac.uk Mon to Fri: 12noon. Fri and 14 MARCH 7.30pm FREE Sat only: 10.30pm. SATURDAY Union Concert Hall, Beit Quad Imperial’s famous award- FILMS: VUE CINEMA, RACING STRIPES (U) NEW MAGAZINE £4.50 students; £6 others winning Big Band will play FULHAM BROADWAY Sat and Sun only: 11am. 12 MARCH ‘I, SCIENCE’ RELEASED An evening of farcical fun their last gig of the term to a Student discount ALL WEEK From 10am from the Dramatic Society. CLUBS AND SOCIETIES Pick up your free copy of See page 12 for more details. PHYSOC presents THE Imperial’s new science mag- Visit www.dramsoc.org/tickets BIG DAY OF PHYSICS azine from the usual Felix 10am onwards distribution points, the SCR UNION EVENTS Blackett Laboratory and some postgraduate com- STA TRAVEL QUIZ NIGHT FREE mon rooms. 8–10.30pm A day of celebrating phys- I, Science is a 32-page mag- Beit Quad ics as part of Einstein Year. azine written and produced FREE View science projects made by Imperial College students Cash and beer prizes on offer by local schoolchildren and in association with Felix. at the last quiz night of term. tour the laboratories, seeing Contact: [email protected] Contact: [email protected]

Come and enjoy a Starbucks coffee at the Café Consort in the Royal Albert Hall

The Café Consort welcomes you, offering take-out coffee or a light snack, whether you are just passing, meeting friends, having a break from work, or stepping across from Hyde Park.

Café Consort is open from 8.30am to 4.00pm, Monday to Friday and 10.00am to 4.00pm, Saturday and Sunday. The entrance is located in the South Porch of the Royal Albert Hall at Door 12.

Take advantage of the Café’s new loyalty card – buy 9 coffees and get your 10th free! Simply ask a member of staff for your card on your next visit. www.royalalberthall.com Felix 18 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

FEATURE [email protected] Felix Annual Research into Confectioneryonfectionery aatt Easter

Welcome to our traditional Easter Egg tast- ing eggstravaganza (chortle). Eight intrepid members of the Felix editorial team risked the dual dangers of vomiting and sugar highs to bring you the lowdown on this year’s batch of ovate chocolate delights. This being FairTrade Fortnight, we attempt- ed to find a FairTrade Easter egg, but sadly we tried three different supermarkets without discovering one. In fact, the first two people we spoke to at Sainsbury’s didn’t know what FairTrade was. Since the content and size of the eggs varies, we thought it would be useful to let you know what extra toys or accessories you receive with each one, and also the weight so you know how much you’re getting for your money. The prices given are from Sainsbury’s on Cromwell Road. Happy Easter!

AFTER EIGHT CHOCOLATE ORANGE SEGSATIONS Brand: Nestlé Brand: Terry’s Extras: 1 small box of After Eight Mints Extras: A handful of Segsations chocolates Total weight: 335g Total weight: 187g Price: £4.99 Price: £1.55

“Not what you’d expect from an “The unique orange and cocoa Easter egg. Basically it’s a big mint combination makes this egg stand in the shape of an egg. Reasonable out from the crowd” taste though” One reviewer recommended testing this egg This was popular with most reviewers, though for the Sudan 1 food dye, but everyone else some questioned the suitability of changing rated it highly. Just beating the Creme Egg the trademark after-dinner mint into an Easter into second place, Terry’s Chocolate Orange egg Segsations is this year’s FARCE winner

Official FARCE rating: Official FARCE rating: ★★★★✩ ★★★★✩

CREME EGG GREEN & BLACK’S ORGANIC TWISTS Brand: Cadbury Brand: Green & Black’s Extras: 2 Creme Eggs Extras: 4 praline and 4 hazelnut & currant Total weight: 195g milk chocolate twists Price: £1.55 Total weight: 215g Price: £5.05 “Nice and cheap, but for the same price you could get five Creme Eggs “It may be better for the from the Union shop. Is the big one environment, but organic chocolate worth three?” tastes horrible”

Simple but effective, this was our second It seems that you either love this egg or hate favourite overall. Oh, and did I mention you it. Someone gave it five stars; someone else can get three Creme Eggs for 89p at the gave it zero. One for the more sophisticated Union shop? palette, perhaps?

Official FARCE rating: Official FARCE rating: ★★★★✩ ★★✩✩✩ Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 19

FEATURE [email protected]

HEROES KIT KAT JENGA Brand: Cadbury Brand: Nestlé Extras: 1 small bag of Heroes Extras: 1 Mini Jenga game; Total weight: 183g 1 Kit Kat Chunky bar Price: £1.55 Total weight: 115g Price: £4.95 “A generic Cadbury egg and miniature Heroes. Boring but nice” “Not enough chocolate here, but it’s rescued somewhat by the jenga The same milk chocolate egg as the Creme game” Egg, right? Wrong – according to Felix 1261, Cadbury’s claim that their eggs are different! The Jenga game was our favourite ‘extra’ this The portion of Heroes was disappointingly year. The small blocks were a bit fiddly, but it small provided a good few minutes’ entertainment

Official FARCE rating: Official FARCE rating: ★★★✩✩ ★★★✩✩

MARS DELIGHT MILKYBAR Brand: Mars Brand: Nestlé Extras: 2 twin Mars Delight bars Extras: 2 egg-shaped wobbling toys; Total weight: 200g 1 bag of Milkybar Buttons Price: £1.55 Total weight: 95g Price: £4.95 “Generic chocolate pumped full of sugar. Delight? No. Dizzy? Yes” “The Milkybar kid is strong and tough... he’s let his quality control The latest variation on the theme of the Mars go a bit now though. Not as tasty as bar, this wasn’t outstanding but does offer I remember” good value for money Definitely aimed at younger children, this egg comes out worst in terms of ‘price per gram’

Official FARCE rating: Official FARCE rating: ★★★✩✩ ★★✩✩✩

SIMPSONS COUCH POTATO TOBLERONE Brand: Kinnerton Brand: Kraft Extras: 3 truffle filled milk chocolate bars Extras: 3 Toblerone bars Total weight: 165g Total weight: 285g Price: £1.55 Price: £4.99

“A cynical attempt to sell a bad egg “Toblerone is superb. I can see in the name of a good TV show. The how Alan Partridge got addicted. chocolate borders on being edible” The perfect combination of honey, almonds and Swiss chocolate” This awful egg was our least favourite, barely managing a rating of one star. The Coffee This went down well. Even at £4.99 there is a Break team decided that it’s not fit to feed fair bit of chocolate for your money, with three their dog Toblerone bars included

Official FARCE rating: Official FARCE rating: ★✩✩✩✩ ★★★★✩

WHITE MALTESERS YORKIE SUBBUTEO Brand: Mars Brand: Nestlé Extras: 2 bags of White Maltesers Extras: 1 Yorkie Subbuteo penalty shoot-out Total weight: 190g game; 1 Yorkie bar Price: £1.55 Total weight: 133g Price: £4.95 “A big egg and two bags of Maltesers is good value, and the “Penalty shoot-out will entertain chocolate isn’t half as vile as the child for 90 seconds, and it will take Milkybar” a further 90 to eat the miniscule egg” This egg caused a near-death experience for one reviewer last year, but it went down quite The inclusion of a Subbuteo game is certainly well this time around original, but we weren’t too impressed

Official FARCE rating: Official FARCE rating: ★★★✩✩ ★★✩✩✩ Felix 20 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

Music [email protected] Hood crippled by technical failure The ever-morphing, ever-experimenting Hood put on an impressive live show, only to have it all fall apart with power cuts, while Elisse discovers the joy of live music in London

sion as they provided the same high LIVE REVIEWS pitched percussive element but qui- eter, shorter and sharper), Hagrid Hood bust out some strange break-beat/ The Spitz rock-beat hybrids. As he was cymbal HHHHI and high-hat shy the beats sounded sparse and though loud and power- It was my first time at the Spitz ful allowed the more graceful guitar and I was really impressed. It’s a and vocals to shine through. The five minute walk from King’s Cross bass player was also an integral part station and really easy to find. We of the band playing heavily distorted walked through the blistering cold, bass lines, but in short bursts again past the old Spitalfield market and not suppressing the vocals. At the into the Spitz. As I entered, a restau- same time he used his foot to hit the rant greeted me with warm gusts pads of the aforementioned elec- of gastronomical delights. I ignored tric drum kit, adding another layer my urge to steal someone’s plate of of percussion. The band was com- pasta and proceeded up the stairs to pleted by keyboard player who also the venue. added percussion by drumming on The venue is awesome and holds the big blue locker they brought… I Hood: not much to look at, but utterly compelling on record and live about 250 people. Its white walls don’t know why but it sounded mint. are separated by oak beams which They finished their set with a solo undulating like the hills in the film trate on my course. Also, I left my almost anyone would be content to reach up to the high ceiling. The acoustic song, got up and packed reel. It was compelling to watch, and dear music-loving friends back in listen to. room is surrounded by a cushioned their gear into the big blue locker. more so to listen. However, three hometown Melbourne, and had a Of course, going to see unsigned bench – handy if you’re a lazy git like DIY efficiency at its best. songs in and disaster struck – an mighty hard time convincing the bands can be dangerous business me. The stage was lit by purple and The night was going well by my onstage power cut! I’ve never seen classical music geeks in London – it’s venturing into the unknown blue spot lights; simple but classy. standards, and I tentatively waited one of those before. So for the next that the alternative stuff is cool. where lies the occasional treasure, When we got there it was start- for Hood to come on. I was also two songs the PA was a bit sketchy Naïve as I was, I’ve wasted a lot of but there’s certainly a lot of strange ing to fill up and shortly after the unsure about how exactly they with a loss of vocals at one point, and valuable time not enjoying London’s waters to wade though. Shrugged first band came on - the Scottish would put together a live show that also the drummer’s headphones fal- underground music scene. were an interesting bunch – I thought band Half Cousin. I was watching would meet the high standards that tering, knocking him out of time. It The Play Room transported me at one point Matchbox 20, at anoth- from the ‘wings’ and watched as they set on their records. Hood is must have been really gutting for back to my days in Melbourne, er Coldplay, and constantly about they proceeded to carry on half a an ever-evolving collective. Over the band and we were certainly dis- which is a city littered with invisible how the singer would benefit from radiator, part of a shopping trolley, their nine albums of work (of which appointed as it really affected their treasures – funky hideaway bars a lesson or two. Don’t get me wrong an old electronic drum kit (the kind I have heard four) their musical performance. and jazz clubs that crawl with life – they could make a pretty good you can buy from Argos), and an style changes covering many genres Hood persevered like profession- at night. The cozy dark room with noise, and the musical ideas were old blue metal locker. To be honest including indie rock, electronica and als and continued to play tortured, low ceilings, pretty lights and lots sound – with some lovely melodi- I expected at worst some sort of hip hop. Indeed their universally beautiful creations. The system of candles was buzzing with people cally sensuous chord progressions experimental noise bollocks. What acclaimed Cold House is blessed by returned to normal and Hood played that you don’t see on the streets of to prick up the ear. Unfortunately for we got was phenomenal: the lead the presence of hip hop experimen- out the rest of their set. Anyone who London during the daytime hours them, the singer was, only a little, singer, clearly an accomplished gui- talists cLOUDDEAD on no less than knows Hood will tell you that it’s – the all-natural part hippie tren- but pretty consistently below pitch, tarist, finger picked his way through three tracks. Their line up reflects very hard to successfully describe dies, or “St Kilda crowd” as we which may not annoy most people, some delicate and beautiful riffs. He their recording career with a very their music. The vocals drift like would say at home. The atmosphere but my musical ear betrays me yet made me laugh though; he was so long list of temporary members. ghosts in and out of the intricate net- was friendly and relaxed, and nearly again. Having said that, Jack White Scottish Indie he could have joined Founding members Richard (vocals work of notes and electronic beats, everyone seemed to be mates with manages to miss four or five pitches Belle & Sebastian and no-one would and guitars) and Christopher Adams supplemented by live drums and someone on stage. but somehow it’s still OK, so maybe have noticed. (bass) are joined by Stephen Royle keyboards. The resulting sound is Nicholece K Garner – also a he’s onto something... His gorgeous voice shut me up on drums as a permanent member, beautiful and melancholy, tragic and Melbourne girl – brought her whole- There was certainly a lot of acting though. I don’t yet know what it and aided by Mark Wright. inspiring, heart warming and spine some, vibrant style to the heart of going on on stage – the frontman sounds like on record but live it Opening with You Show No chilling. I know this appears to be London. With a clear high voice that swinging from side to side with his was ethereal. The rest of the band Emotion At All, they began to show hyperbole but they were very very was not at all whiney (see: Kasey eyes closed was not too unusual, but kicked in; the drummer looked like their proficiency in the live field. good, and only massive technical Chambers), husky at times but very the bassist curiously managed to Hagrid from Harry Potter, his huge Against a backdrop of projected failures held them back from a near bold and direct, Nicholece’s singing play the instrument with his elbow unkempt beard shaking as he furi- autumn sunsets in public parks (I perfect performance. Monkeez was energetic and captivating. The bent (possibly in some strange show ously battered his unconventional found this quite nostalgic) they cre- group worked very well together as of pained emotion) back so that he kit. Using the radiator and office ated a warm atmosphere of guitars a whole, the musicians getting on looked rather like a chicken. They chair leg (set up on a cymbal stand) and keyboards brushed with skitter- Nicholece K Garner / with what they were doing without had very lyrical melodic lines, and as substitute cowbells (a wise deci- ing beats and white noise, the bass Shrugged a fuss. The songs had varied themes ambiguous chord points that were The Play Room of nature, loneliness, ‘naughty’ very attractive. The lyrics were not HHHHI girls... the usual innocent stuff – my very memorable, but all in all, a favourite being The Stop And Go decent show. Last Wednesday night I lost my Man about a relation of Nicholece’s It was certainly an interesting, London-afflicted musical purity aspiring to be the man with the stop entertaining night out, and I have a and descended deep into the dun- and go sign on a country road in feeling that I got good value for my geons that is The Play Room, at outback Australia. money (all four pounds of it). It’s Chez Stelios (10 Paddington St There were bits of funk, blues and tempting to indulge in taking a risk Marylebone, Tube: Baker Street). even reggae in the set, at times every forthcoming Wednesday – and My friend suggested that I come and sounding a lot like the John Butler going to The Play Room to be enter- hang out while he played in the band Trio (especially when singing about tained. The venue itself is so snug for Nicholece K Garner, the star Jabbaluka, a controversial uranium and comfy – it’s an appealing place act that night, supported by 3-piece mine in the Northern Territory). She to de-stress midweek whilst enjoy- Shrugged. whetted our appetite with interest- ing some new and unusual music, The wave of nostalgia hit me the ing introductions to each number, and it’s a great way to keep in touch moment I entered the room. I’ve and added to the relaxed nature with some of the goings-on in alter- previously been avoiding London’s of the whole thing with her chirpy, native music... I’ve finally realised local music scene for two reasons uninhibited style. Nicholece and that it makes you look pretty cool – I thought that for my first year co. were musical and entertaining when you can talk to musicians and at least I should hang out with my – it was fresh, a little different, and music-lovers about bands no one’s Hood: still can’t afford a few guitar stands classmates and attempt to concen- the sort of unoffensive music that heard of. Elisse Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 21

MUSIC [email protected] Demo It’s grim oop North reviews: Newcastle’s finest and Warp’s latest signing, Maximo Park, chat to Felix we love about their accents, pop, and the red book new music and honest thing in the world to sing INTERVIEW in my own accent. It’s embarrassing to put on a fake accent. I wouldn’t DEMO REVIEWS Maximo Park expect you (I am a pansy southern- Infinity er) to put on earthy northern tones Freezerburn HHHHI just to fit in. We want to appear to Candela be honest, there’s a certain kind of www.freezerburn.co.uk OK, Lord Of The Rings mania has band where you know that the music HHHHI gone too far when they let the hob- has come from a central core of bits form a band. Cheap shot at the their person, which is the thing that With influences as diverse as Sylvia certainly eccentric looking Young makes the music resonate. That’s Plath, White Noize and Mowtown, Knives who take to the stage to an what we want to be, I can be happy the inimitable Freezerburn are a already large crowd. Hailing from that we haven’t tried to fool anybody, force to be reckoned with, mean- Oxford (shirt and tie: check. Thick that our music’s pure. ing they can be forgiven for taking rimmed glasses: check. Boring mon- from everyone, and sounding like ologues between songs: check), they Do you write the lyrics? no one. Championed by the likes of make a curiously angular new-wave Ikara Colt, Miss Black America and racket whilst looking like account- Yeah, I write the words. I came into Stu Campbell of JJ72 and Lowgold ants being electrocuted. Yelpy, the band a little after everyone else, fame, the Hampshire trio have made dischordant and not bad at all. there were a few lyrics there already a tentative foothold on their path to But the sold-out crowd at London’s like “I’ll do graffiti and you’ll sing to musical glory, by the means of their trendy Infinity club in Mayfair aren’t me in French” and I just changed brief yet promising demo. here to see some socially retarded the clauses. Duncan and Archis Title track Candela is the midgets, oh no. They’ve come to see sang before, and they swapped gui- autumn rainy-day anthem we’ve the on-the-up northerners known tar and bass. That was how Maximo all been waiting for. Reminiscent as Maximo Park. Having to force Park worked, and I’d seen them in Maximo Park: often set upon by feral stripy ties of early Ash, Loui’s versatile Terry their way to the stage through the Newcastle a few times. Abbott-esque vocals wind them- crowd singer Paul announces “We reasons. It’s nice to play in a 200 good rather than something lame. selves expressively around poetic are Maximo Park from Newcastle- You’re signed to Warp, which capacity place with people who are lyrics, catchy bridges and crashing upon-Tyne” before leaping in the tends to be an electonica obsessed with music. That’s why we I hit your message board guitars. Finishing off with a crash- air in perfect synchronicity to the label, and I find it interest- write songs, to try and reach people and found rubbish questions ing crescendo, Freezerburn enter- music. ing that they’re your record who wouldn’t normally listen to an like “what’s your favourite tain with a DIY foot-tapping charm And what music! It’s somewhere company... edgy guitar band. That’s why we try cheese/lollipop?” and “is the that doesn’t fail to seduce. Into Your between the tunefulness of Franz to be as poppy as possible. red book a harking back to Arms is a feistier, thoroughly ener- Ferdinand, the mad choppiness So do I, and that’s one of the reason love?” gising effort, with Kat’s wailing being of The Futureheads and the pop that we signed to them. We met with People often hate the idea of a textured foil to the lead. Riffing sensibilities of Pulp. Hearing the a number of different companies, being ‘pop’. Why do you think It kind of is! The reason that it first and noodling in the Brian Molko songs sang in a heavy and melodic and the independent company that that is? appeared is a double gesture really. school of rock and roll, these are Geordie accent is a relief after so is Warp stood for the same things I didn’t know the words to the songs the tracks JJ72 are wishing they’d many bands that hide their accents. we stood for; being creative, being Pop to me just means a tradition, a that well, I couldn’t remember what made for that difficult second album The crowd dances crazily and individual, trying to push things as tradition that you love and you hate. I’d started, and the words to each – fingers crossed hope the compe- ecstatically (Probably helped by far as they can go. They weren’t You want to rally against the stuff verse are different. I wanted it there tently resourceful Freezerburn get the cheap cheap drinks), and loud saying, “we want you to be an indie you hate, and the stuff you love does so I decided to make it a perform- to make the debut they deserve. cheers ensue for staples The Coast band” or anything, and the term this. Whether it’s Aretha Franklin ance piece. You might as well use it Sajini Wijetilleka Is Always Changing and brilliant indie doesn’t really mean anything or Smokey Robinson singing these as something entertaining. I’m on a next single Apply Some Pressure. to me now. The word independent soulful pop songs, or Liz Fraiser stage and people have paid to see The band put on a good stage show does, but that’s not its meaning any from the Coctau Twins gushing out that, people don’t want you to just Car Crash Horror as well, with guitar sparring between more. these beautiful choruses. It’s work- stand there. The music deserves a When Truth Fails lead guitarist Duncan, and bass- ing within constrictions, but we like bit more. It may be a bit too theatri- www.carcrashhorror.bravehost.com ist Archis. Lukas, the keyboardist, Many small bands get so fed to write pop songs with a verse and cal for some people, you’ve got to HHII does a strange foot-stopping karate- up of record labels they split a chorus, but breaking down the carve out your own individual way chopping dance whether he’s play- or form their own label... boundary as to what the chorus is of dealing with things, and that’s When the tightly-played drum parts ing or not, and Paul leaps around, and what the verse is. We just want my way of dealing with forgetful- are the highlight of a song, with does mad-eyed stares, and gener- Well, that’s kind of what we did ini- to play around with that idea. ness! I used to have the lyrics inside pseudo-atmospheric, yet unorigi- ally causes the sound-engineers tially, set up “Billingham Records”, the book, and it’s sometimes nice nal guitar parts alongside slightly a headache by flinging his micro- named after the town where I was Do you think that the recent to reference things. Everyone goes lacklustre, haunting vocals that the phone around on a tiny stage, caus- originally from. We put out 300 cop- injection of intelligence into “this is really good, you’ve got to nasally-constipated Dave from InMe ing much humming feedback. At ies of our debut single on red vinyl, a lot of music, such as Franz hear this”, so why can’t you do the would debate trading for; it’s a given one point he pulls a mysterious little recorded in a house in Newcastle Ferdinand or Bloc Party, is same with books? Why does “high the listener will not have a good red book from his suit-jacket (the where we used to rehearse. Duncan making pop more credible? culture” have to be divorced from time. Welcome to ‘When Truth Fails’ band are all immaculately dressed) is a trained sound engineer and “pop culture”, I think everything by Car Crash Horror. Sans inspira- and seems to sing his lyrics from it he recorded it. We did everything I think that’s true. We want to put an should be sitting next to each other. tion is one thing, but sans passion frantically. ourselves, the DIY ethic. That’s how intelligent spin on things because It’s a more expansive way to look at is another – the Sex Pistols had only After a not too surprising encore they (Warp) found out about it, we not do so would be alien to us. I think the world. two chords to express themselves (you’d have to fight your way put it in Rough Trade (famous inde- people don’t give the masses or the with, but they presented those two through the crowd to get away, so pendent record shop/label), put it in populous enough credit. So much Finally, I had trouble in chat- with verve, vigour and raw energy. they just hung around at the back of the right places, and they picked up is sold to the public that is sub- ting to all of you in the venue Thankfully, Car Crash Horror aren’t the stage) they stuck around to DJ on us and decided that they wanted standard, and because that’s the because you were always completely devoid of passion – the until 3am (Interpol, Coctau Twins, to sign a band like us. tradition record companies think it’s surrounded by ladies! Surely carefully-crafted slowie, Rubbing Phil Collins (!), the Batman theme) not worth worrying about because this is a good thing? Dust, with its mournful lyrics, and and talk to anyone who came their A lot of bands don’t publicise “people” are stupid. I believe that cymbal-bashing poses with com- way (especially if they were ladies, of themselves very well, but everyone’s got something in them The world is a big place, and eve- petence, and the band meander which there were plenty). I dragged you have made a really good that means that they can connect ryone’s got a chance! Duncan and onto their perkier final offering, Paul backstage for a chat. start. How does it feel to have with another person. That’s what we Tom (the drummer) both have girl- the intriguingly-titled Friends and sold out a few gigs already, try to do, we try to connect person friends, but the rest of are just very Strangers. It is evident that diver- I saw you supporting The and did you feel constricted to person via word of mouth, rather lonely individuals... well I am, that’s sity is not their strong point – as the Futureheads a while back, by a small stage? than going “this is a big band, here why I’m the singer! There’s no time concluding track appears to be a and you both seem very proud is our single, you will like it because on the road for a relationship. more vigorously strummed version to announce where you’re The whole of this tour’s sold out it is advertised well”. We want to of the first, with a more interestingly from, and don’t try and hide now, which is amazing. It just steps get into peoples faces, but then they Unless you get a girl in the timed vocals part, and striking cre- your accents. This is often up every time, which is really heart- can make their own mind up, and band… scendo to complete it with. Talent missing from music, why do ening. I personally like playing then hopefully they will be given is not the limiting factor here, more you think this is? larger stages, but I also like the a better product. An independent Unless…[some careful considera- the lack of creativity – Car Crash atmosphere of smaller gigs. There is record company is the same as a tion] I don’t think there’s room, Horror won’t crash and burn if they It’s strange that people care so much, something that gets lost with larger big record company, it’s trying to we’ve already got five people, that’s take good care of themselves. and that people draw attention to it. audiences. It’s the law of averages, sell something, but it’s trying to quite a large number. Sajini Wijetilleka It seems the most straightforward people will be there for different sell something that is beneficial and James Millen Felix 22 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

MUSIC [email protected] Bloc Party on Mars, anyone? Forgive the bizarre headline, but two of the best albums of the year so far are reviewed below. So get reading!

None of this however can pre- ALBUM REVIEWS pare you for their quieter songs. Many of you will already be familiar Bloc Party with latest single So Here We Are, Silent Alarm with drummer Matt Tongs post-rock (Wichita/V2) snare drumming, and the climactic HHHHH chorus (when it finally arrives) of Kele shouting “I’ve figured it out”. The weather is cold and fresh, the Blue Light is a tender tale of love sky is bright and there are some lost and coming to terms with it flurries of snow swirling around my (“if that’s the way it is, then that’s head. Strangers smile at me in the the way it is”), with the feeling of a street as they scrape ice off their heart-break resolved being poign- cars. And Silent Alarm, the debut antly echoed in the music. album by London art-school types But best of all, and probably the Bloc Party, is being pumped into standout track on the album, is my head by those famous white ear- This Modern Love. Kele’s voice is phones. It is all too perfect, and panned around your head through brings a tear to my eye. light distortion, playing call and This album really is that good. It is response with himself before gently so exciting and forward looking, yet begging “baby you’ve got to be more so “the sound of now”. Whether it’s discerning, I never know what’s observing the interweaving guitar good for me / Baby you’ve got to and vocal harmonies of Helicopter be more demanding, I’ll be yours”, on MTV2, feeling like you’re hearing the last phrase sang in breathy har- something that shouldn’t see the mony by the rest of the band. Then light of day for another decade in the comes military drumming, and a form of the dark, techno-fueled com- simple yet moving repeated guitar ment on mental illness that is She’s riff, with glockenspiel lovingly laid Hearing Voices, or just plain getting beneath it. The drumming gradually your groove on down the club to the becomes more complex as the band thumping Banquet, you cannot, nor harmoniously sigh beneath Kele as should you want to, avoid Bloc Party. he sings “This modern love breaks Any discerning fan of the alternative me / This modern love wastes me.” music scene will be well aware of The song builds towards the end as these songs already, so let’s delve the two guitarists perform the most deeper into this album. restrained guitar sparring ever The Mars Volta: one last time, kids, this is Omar Rodriguez from The Mars Volta. You know who you are Check out Positive Tension, a heard, and drops right back down to sparse and moody song, with spacey Kele’s call and response motif. By reflecting this in the music they guitar effects squelching around Despite the fact that this album The Mars Volta are exposing their true selves and SINGLE REVIEW your head, before guitarist Russel is about three songs too long, it Frances The Mute not a watered-down version. Lissack goes all Johnny Greenwood is almost this generation’s OK (Island) Opener Cygnus…Vismund Biffy Clyro and rocks you into oblivion, as bass- Computer (and I’m a huge HHHHI Cygnus, starts with a plaintive Only One Word Comes To Mind ist/vocalist Gordon Moakes intones Radiohead fan). Unfortunately I acoustic guitar and characteristic (Beggars Banquet) “success” over and over again. Or think it will age quickly. The music Prog-rock! The genre (with its silly Cedric croon and out of nowhere, the HHHHI the opener Like Eating Glass, with scene it emerges from is changing name) is often associated with guitars and drums enter and sound those awesome drum rhythms you so rapidly. Fortunately I cannot see impenetrably complex time signa- unforgiving. There is increased “’Mon tha Biffy!” Biffy Clyro have usually find in electro songs, vocal- Bloc Party ever getting tied to one tures, stop-start rhythms and split- Latino influence with both the open- provided the best live sets I’ve ever ist/guitarist Kele Okereke yearn- sound, so we will be graced by their ting headaches as a result of both. er and L’Via L’Viaquez employ Latin- seen, closely challenged by Muse. ingly yelping “I cant eat I can’t sleep presence for many years to come. Yeah I know, original journalism, American rhythms that drive the Unfortunately, the bane of every / I can’t sleep I can’t dream”, and well what do you expect? I’m not tracks with great swing. After all, indie elitist’s life, popularity, has you just melt. Price Of Gasoline is File under: paid to write this crap. OK any- Omar and Cedric said that they’d hit Simon Neil, and the brothers incredibly dense and dark, sounding Post-punk revivalists way, De-loused In The Comatorium rather have people swing their hips Johnston like a big Kerrang! shaped like something dredged from the If you like this, try: came along a couple of years ago to their music than pogo. The Mars truck. deepest trench of London’s dirty Gang Of Four - Solid Gold and everyone went crazy with how Volta sound has moved completely After their second album, The new-wave scene (for those in the amazing it sounded. It was a com- away from At The Drive-In, where Vertigo Of Bliss, things seemed to know think Lomax). James Millen pletely indefinable experience, and I there is no real trace of Fugazi go a bit crazy in camp Biffy. There was scared that the follow up would inspired punk-rock which has lost was the download-only single not even compare in greatness. I lay all meaning for them and they refer There’s No Such Thing As A Jaggy awake at night crying at the thought to it as “jock-rock”. Snake which, despite sounding like that they would turn into a rap-reg- The album has three facets, the three blokes screaming over the top gae band with 12 minute baboon slow plaintive side demonstrated of a snake charmer’s melody, beat solos. So now with this, their 5 song by The Widow and Miranda, That releases by Avril Lavigne and Keane 77 minute opus, I am ready to go Ghost Just Isn’t Holy Anymore to the top of the download chart. through the sleepless nights again which both seem inspired by the They then released their new album because this album is challenging passing of Jeremy Ward and sur- Infinity Land, with singles Glitter and obtuse but ultimately rewarding passes Televators for its emotional And Trauma (skittery alt-rock), My and never disappointing. immediacy. The other sound is the Recovery Injection (accessible emo- For those who have little patience, mentioned Latin-American influ- style rock) and now Only One Word tolerance and demand immediate enced rhythms and thirdly there Comes To Mind. What does their results (in other words, Americans), are the post-rock sounding “noo- new single sound like? Well, I’ve beware for this album unravels its dling” bits and jamming which col- heard it compared to The Smiths. ideas, narrative and purpose slowly our and break up the former sounds. Bright guitars jangle, drums bounce and almost painfully. It is an album Cassandra Gemini is the culmina- along, and they show off their triple that you will either love or hate, this tion of all these facets and may feel pronged singer attack with some partly explains its brilliance as we unordered but order is never fun or nifty vocal harmonies. It’s got a tune all know that universally approved ever really human. They refuse to like no Biffy song since their debut albums are always bland and hard be anything except themselves and album Blackened Sky. and then, to feel passionate about. The psy- for that they have produced a truly randomly, at the end it explodes chotic genre hopping and guitar inspirational album. into a heavy metal riff! Bonkers. It’s soloing is a reflection on a colourful bound to bring even more black clad life’s worth of drug abuse, death and File under: teenagers into their ever-increasing frustration. Some see the obscure Experimental, progressive rock fold. And after years of being one of lyrics and awkward music as a way If you like this, try: the most exciting underground rock to obscure their humanity but Omar Nothing else really sounds similar bands in Britain, they deserve all and Cedric are intelligent, compli- the success they will get. Bloc Party: more emo than MySpace. Don’t lynch me, I still like them cated and challenging individuals. Matty Hoban James Millen Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 23

MUSIC [email protected] Brit Awards 25 The Brits this year were unusual as guitar bands’ impact on the charts crossed over to the awards ceremony. Felix tried to get into the red carpet area and spent the night outside

were the big winners of the night LIVE REVIEWS scooping all three awards they were nominated for – International Brit Awards 2005 Breakthrough Act, International Earl’s Court 2 Group and International Album. Franz Ferdinand, Keane and If you didn’t already know, the 25th Joss Stone all walked away with Brit Awards were held two weeks two awards each, Robbie Williams ago at Earls Court, London. I decid- was presented with the Best Song ed to try my luck and get some From The Past 25 Years by Little interviews for both readers of Felix Britain’s Matt Lucas and David and listeners of IC Radio. Walliams (who dressed up as ex- I turned up outside Earls Court 2 Take That members Gary Barlow early in the afternoon and found out and Howard Donald), while Sir Bob that the security at this event was Geldof received an Outstanding very tight. I was hoping to get into Contribution To Music award. the TV/Radio Press Area so I could The Brits are known for their talk to the stars as they arrived but great duets – past examples have the one thing I needed to achieve included Kylie & Justin Timberlake, this was a Red Carpet Pass. After Robbie Williams & Tom Jones – about half an hour of trying to con- and this year was no exception. vince the staff that I was meant to Daniel and Natasha Bedingfield did have one, I was escorted off the their first ever duet singing Chaka premises. Things were not looking Khan’s Ain’t Nobody, Lemar and The Brits: Gwen Stefani and ‘friends’ pose for a photo opportunity good. Jamelia did a very hot perform- Eventually I managed to sneak ance of Addicted To Love and there on a shitty night than drink shitty very good, Gwen Stefani was very back in and convinced one security was a surprise duet on the night alcohol and get depressed.” good, the Scissor Sisters were a SINGLE REVIEWS guard to let me into the paparazzi between Robbie Williams and Joss I saw other celebs walk by that brilliant opening, don’t you think, area, so I could at least see all Stone with Angels. I couldn’t coax over to talk to me. Miss Katy Hill?” and she replied, The Subways the arrivals. Soon afterwards some Undeterred I went back to Earls They included Simon from Blue, who “Brilliant opening, absolutely fan- Only One Word Comes To Mind members of Stoic arrived and they Court 2 after the awards, not know- was on the phone and just waved, tastic. You were quite excited with (WEA) joined me. ing anything about what had hap- and Tom from McFly, who looked Bob Geldof.” Foxy thought he was HHHHI First to arrive were Franz pened at the ceremony, hoping to over when I called his name out “fantastic” and the award was “long Ferdinand – the Scottish band with catch some of the stars as they and then proceeded to walk straight overdue.” When asked about the The Subways are a hotly tipped trio the most nominations of the night. make their way to the aftershow into a bollard. Unfortunately Stoic atmosphere backstage Foxy told from that most rocking of places… Soon afterwards the Scissor Sisters party which was also held at Earls didn’t capture that on film – they me, “I’ve been doing it 16 years er, Welwyn Garden City. Somehow, arrived, then Lemar and Jamelia Court. Surprisingly the first per- left shortly afterwards whereas I now so I suppose it was very organ- even with their rather suburban came together. They kept on com- son to the leave the event was persisted and got to talk to a few ised. But it’s always fun, a good surroundings, they have managed ing - Keane, Daniel & Natasha Jordan. She said the highlight of the more people. atmosphere. I managed to do my to craft a fantastically filthy and Bedingfield, McFly, Aleesha ex- evening was the food but she also Fame Academy headmaster show before and do some backstage raw brand of garage rock. This is Misteeq, Robbie Williams sporting said, “There were good perform- Richard Park thought it was “abso- stuff and then come out and then I their first single off of their debut a newly shaven head, Green Day, ances. I liked Daniel Bedingfield lutely marvellous, sensational per- watched the show. It’ll be the best album but don’t let that fool you, Jordan, Steve Brookstein from X- and Natasha they were very good formances. I love Franz Ferdinand TV show they’ve ever done by a they are seasoned professionals Factor, Joss Stone, Simon from and Robbie Williams and Joss. Very so I thought they were fantastic but long way – it’s a made for TV award having already played Glastonbury Blue, Minnie Driver, Sharon & good.” there was any amount of highlights: show.” Katy Hill was disappointed as well as the Reading and Leeds Kelly Osbourne, Will Young, Dannii Girls Aloud left not too long after- Joss Stone singing with Robbie that Natasha Bedingfield didn’t win festivals. The single is a ball of musi- Minogue, Rooster, Gwen Stefani…. wards. Cheryl was a bit disappoint- Williams that was awesome, Green anything - “I think she’s amazing” cal energy, played fast and hard it The list goes on. ed to lose out to McFly in the Best Day just brilliant. This was one of - but when asked about the duet doesn’t get the chance to outstay Unfortunately from my position Pop Act but Nadine enjoyed the the best Brits I’ve ever been to and she explained, “I thought the choice its welcome clocking in at only 2:58. I couldn’t get any interviews but I evening: “It was very very good. The I’ve been to them all for twenty of song was a bit bizarre seeing as It’s very reminiscent of The Von nearly talked to Snoop Dogg and highlight was Jamelia and Lemar years. The feeling when Geldof sang they’re brother and sister – it was a Bondies at their rollicking best and Pharrell who came over. I asked for me,” whereas Sarah preferred I Don’t Like Mondays was also mar- little bit lovey-dovey and a bit sexy. I paints a bright future for this young Pharrell how he was doing and he Snoop Dogg and Pharrell’s per- vellous. Great night.” Fellow reality think they could have chosen a bet- band. Dom Wong just nodded at me, which doesn’t formance of Drop It Like It’s Hot, TV judge, Nicky Chapman from Pop ter song but they’re both amazing really work for radio. Anyway, the as did Amy Winehouse: “Snoop and Idol “had a great night” and loved singers,” and Foxy agreed, “They’re stars came and went and we decid- Pharrell made my fucking night, Robbie and Joss’ performance. class those two. Joss Stone was also New Order ed to retire to a pub because it was actually they made my week.” When I just managed to spot Capital class. I think it’s interesting because Krafty freezing outside. asked how the night went Amy DJ Foxy leaving not from the red a lot of people chat, there’s lots of (London) The Scissor Sisters opened the replied, “My night starts now. They carpet and rushed over to him, then people you know so it ends up being HHHII night with a great performance of didn’t even have any Jack Daniels in spotting he was with fellow present- quite a chatty night and there’s lots Take Your Mama Out alongside there… Me saying that I look really er Katy Hill. Foxy was very friendly of booze going so everyone’s getting After the huge successes of Jim Henson singing watermel- pissed – I’m not. I’ve been drinking “Hello there. It was very good – a hammered and people lose concen- their two most recent albums, Get ons, barns and giant birds. They water because I’d rather stay sober very good show, Chris Evans was tration. But when Robbie came on Ready in 2001 and Retro in 2002, the room was just - bang - Robbie Manchester’s arguably most influ- Williams is on stage and that was ential band return with the first sin- great. People will talk about Scissor gle from their eighth studio album Sisters, they’ll talk about Green Waiting for the Sirens’ Call. Krafty Day because they were bloody good is a far cry from the band’s club- they came on they rocked and I orientated earlier albums, applying think people will talk about Robbie’s synthesisers and electronic drums duet with Joss Stone and their blos- as embellishments rather than foun- soming love affair,” at which we all dations. The song has all the ingre- laughed and I bid them farewell. dients of a great New Order track My final interview of the night was – emotive electronica, timeless Aleesha, member of the recently vocals, and Peter Hook’s inimitably split group Misteeq. She said, “It gnarly bass. The chorus is anticli- was fantastic but my feet are killing mactically drab after the potential me and I’m being an old woman and you can sense in the build up, the going to bed… Scissor Sisters were song in general lacking the dynam- the best.” ics and strength one would expect I stayed outside the venue in the from a grand return single. The freezing cold until the aftershow band themselves consider this to be party finished, two o’clock in the one of their finest ever tracks, but, morning, but I failed to find the while undeniably being a good song, secret exit where most of the stars it feels more of a mid-album filler were leaving from. track given New Order’s history. Amy Winehouse: “I’m not pished, honest...” Martin Archer Ben Ramadan Felix 24 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

Arts [email protected] Lobsters and a different opinion Tatum Fjerstad checks out the hype and gives new talent a chance

tor Claire Lizzimore are just that production was rather poor. I could THEATRE – first-timers. There were several tell that the actors could give more motifs and effects that they both than they were giving; they all had The Most Humane Way To wanted to incorporate, but it came the potential to do far better. None Kill A Lobster across as a desperate attempt at of them were truly in the moment, Closes 19 March an ideal that just can’t be fulfilled I saw each of them thinking about Theatre 503 in small theatre, with a small cast, their next move before they made it Lachmere Pub and with an under-worked script. and calculating what their response Battersea Park Road, SW11 Inexperience isn’t terrible, how- would be to their scene partner. Most Box Office: 020 7978 7040 ever – this production was a great audiences can see that, and many way to watch progress. It would be actors think they can ride on past Taking a break from the West End interesting to see the show twice; without anyone noticing, but audi- theatre scene can be refreshing, but once at the beginning and once at ences are smarter than you think it can also be risky. If you like to take the end of the run in order to see and they are a massive beast that risks and see new plays, and support can tear a production to shreds if the the arts in a way that might actually “Progress is great, actor isn’t in the moment. benefit the growth of fringe theatres, So the lesson here is that progress Yes, I know we’ve already run this picture, but you’d be surprised at I encourage you to take a step out but new writers and is great but new writers and direc- how hard it is to find a good photo of Joshua Jackson and do some research on the thea- tors shouldn’t bite off more than tres that house this kind of work. directors shouldn’t they can chew if they want to be factor’ in the cliché sense. Mamet depend on their audiences for suc- But don’t go to The Most successful. Baby steps are the saf- strives to shock audiences by show- cess. They must be able to hold their Humane Way to Kill a Lobster, at bite off more than est route. ing them a very raw vision of life. own, and I noticed him struggling least not until the end of the run. He uses dry humour to make his with that. Perhaps, by then, it might have they can chew” audiences laugh, and as soon as Patrick Stewart, on the other hand, a bit more meat on its bones and A Life In The Theatre the audience is used to laughing he was astounding. His performance be able to pull off what put me off. how the show has improved. Booking to 23 April subtly grabs them by the balls and would make Mamet cry. He obvi- First time playwright Duncan The Most Humane Way to Kill a Apollo Theatre makes them cry. ously understood Mamet’s inten- Macmillan and first time direc- Lobster is about anything but. There Shaftesbury Avenue, W1 This particular Mamet play is tions with the character and the play may have been a motif or symbol Box Office: 0870 145 1163 about two characters, one young and carried them out with apparent of some sort involved there, but I and one old, one with experience and ease. Hurrah for actors who study missed it. Loretta, played by Holly Perhaps you’ve heard of this one, one without, and you follow them on their playwrights! de Jong, is an estranged mother dis- perhaps you’ve heard too much a journey through, pardon my pun, a The set and lighting were very connected from the rest of the world. about this show. Maybe you’re sick life in the theatre. clever and should be studied by Throughout the play she is gaining of the publicity it’s getting. I was too. Joshua Jackson, while dreamy and those considering a career in both courage to confront a dark spot in That’s why I saw it. Hype is hype, all that good stuff, played more than fields. On the surface it was very her past while maintaining a home ladies and gents, and you never an inexperienced actor – he was simple, but this sort of simplicity is and raising a daughter. know how things really go down rather hard to come by in a success- Loretta is the only character who unless you see them with your own ful fashion. The actors, when ‘per- speaks for the whole of the play. At eyes. “Hype is hype, ladies forming’, played to an audience that the supposed climactic point of the So I feasted my sights upon Patrick and gents, and you was behind them. Our backstage play, one other character speaks, Stewart and Joshua Jackson in their was their audience, and their back- but it doesn’t really set his character performances of David Mamet’s A never know how stage was where the audience was. apart from Loretta’s in any sense. Life in the Theatre. But the way the drop was painted I’m sure the directors want to For those not familiar with Mamet’s things really go down and the way the lights were used, send the message: it’s not what we plays, they are all full of short lines you could almost see the mirror say but what we don’t say, but this meant to be carried as realistic con- unless you see them image of yourself watching the play tired cliché is just that – tired, over- versations with the characters inter- they were putting on for another used and overemphasised. The only rupting each other, interrupting with your own eyes” fictional audience. way most directors and playwrights themselves and responding quickly Out of all the West End shows know how to convey this message to the many things going on around one. Next to a marvel like Patrick I’ve read about and seen, I think is by talking too much and giving them. There are no dramatic pauses Stewart, it took me a while to dis- this one is the most worth the the- Putting your lobster into boiling emphasis on silence at the climax, or thoughtful self-righteous scenes cover Jackson’s character. He was atregoers’ money. It has a splash of water straight from the fridge is which tends to be more annoying for the actors to embellish. out for the laughs and when he got America with British theatre experi- thought to be the most humane than anything else. Mamet is also very anticlimac- them, he became more relaxed and ence that balances and carries itself way to end its life Character development in this tic. He despises the ‘shock and awe eased into it. But actors should not very well. Briefly: Matisse and his textiles

art and artists. So, with this recom- from the artist’s hometown as well paint works. These are what could EXHIBITION mendation, I do urge you to book as pieces representative of his per- be called the culmination of his tickets and go to the new show at sonal collection are shown along- obsession with textiles, forms and Matisse, His Art And His the Royal Academy. side the paintings that used them as colour. In his later life, Matisse Textiles: The Fabric I particularly love Matisse for inspiration. devoted increasingly more time Of Dreams his use of colour: the colours are One of the many treats in this to these, producing some truly Closes 30 May bold, bright and exquisite. However, exhibition (while it is small, it does stunning works of impressive Royal Academy of Art the focus of this exhibition is not pack in a lot) are the paintings simplicity. What is missing from Piccadilly, W1 so much colour but Matisse’s fas- on loan from the Hermitage in St the exhibition, however, are his Box Office 0870 8488484 cination with and use of textiles Petersburg. Many of the paintings chasubles, but these are included in throughout his lifetime. The exhi- will be familiar to cognoscenti, at the catalogue. A lot has been said about Matisse. bition charts the involvement of least in style and content even if I do suggest booking tickets in He’s been referred to as both Matisse with textiles form birth to they’ve never seen them, but the advance for this show, or at least ‘unchallenging’ and ‘a genius’, the end of his career. paintings on loan from Russia will attempting to turn up at not particu- and vast numbers of exhibitions It’s often easy to overlook the be new to most and represent a larly normal gallery-going time, as have been devoted to his work. He influence of textiles on the compo- period of Matisse’s artistic develop- it is likely to be a very busy one. I enjoyed success in his lifetime and sition of Matisse’s work; however, ment that many will be unfamiliar went to a preview on a Wednesday continues to be popular. Matisse is this exhibition snaps them all into with. evening and the place was packed! known by most and should, in fact, focus very effectively and with a Other pieces meriting one’s spe- Paola Smith Decorative Figure on an be a part of anyone’s knowledge of lasting effect. Samples of textiles cial attention are the collage and Arts Editor Ornamental Background, 1926

Felix 26 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

[email protected] Film Listings: page 17 20th Century Fox presents Felix previews the next two big releases from 20th Century Fox

ing in love with an exotic princess Williams has produced a very atmos- Kingdom of Heaven (Green). In short and from the trail- pheric and moving score not dissimi- Director: Ridley Scott er, it looks like the product of three lar to the soundtrack accompanying Starring: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, epic films – Gladiator, Alexander Gladiator. Why exactly Scott did not Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson, and A Knight’s Tale – thrown togeth- keep Hans Zimmer, the composer Edward Norton, David Thewlis er. However, given the current situ- of Gladiator’s soundtrack, on this Released: May 6 ation in the world today, it will be project is still unclear. It is inter- interesting to see how Scott has esting to note that although Scott From the director of the hugely dealt with the sensitive issue of the decided to replace Zimmer with successful Gladiator comes this Crusades whilst still being histori- Gregson-Williams, the exact oppo- year’s early summer blockbuster cally accurate. site occurred for the scoring duties – an epic of gigantic proportions Judging by the trailers, the film of Madagascar. named Kingdom of Heaven. It is of seems to follow Scott’s previous The acting talent seems promis- reassurance that Ridley Scott – the ing. Liam Neeson looks particularly master of modern epics – will be “It will be interesting fitting as Godfrey of Ibelin, and Eva directing this. Scott has claimed Green does a commendable job of himself that this production will be to see how Scott has looking like the hauntingly beautiful “even grander than Gladiator.” The yet vulnerable and forbidden prin- film boasts a strong cast, featuring dealt with the cess. Orlando Bloom – the protago- Orlando Bloom, Liam Neeson, Eva nist of the film – is the only one I still Green, Jeremy Irons, David Thewlis sensitive issue of have issues with, however. True, he and Brendan Gleeson, to name but does manage to look convincingly a few. the Crusades” rugged in some of the shots as the Set in 12th century Europe and young valiant knight. Still, though, the Middle East, this movie epic work – Kingdom of Heaven cer- he delivers his lines with a stilted tells the story of a young peasant tainly does look like a visually grand forcedness that makes me cringe. I (Orlando Bloom) thrust into a long masterpiece. The trailer shows dra- think giving awe-inspiring pre-battle war. Serving a doomed king and matic landscape shots of amassing speeches is just not his thing. Let’s eventually rising up to knighthood, armies and powerful battle scenes hope he doesn’t throw us another he finds himself faced with the interspersed with lines of poignant wooden performance reminiscent of daunting task of protecting the peo- dialogue. The soundtrack accompa- those he gave us in Pirates of the ple of Jerusalem against external nying the trailer gives the musically Caribbean and Troy – maybe then threats whilst trying to keep peace inclined amongst us something to Kingdom of Heaven might just live across the land. All this while fall- look forward to: Harry Gregson- up to its hype. Marya Ziauddin Has Orlando Bloom been in a movie that wasn’t set in the past? Repair for adventure!

Robots Director: Chris Wedge Starring: Ewan McGregor, Robin Williams, Greg Kinnear Previews: March 12, 13 Released: March 18

The Academy Award winning direc- tor of the worldwide smash hit Ice Age, Chris Wedge, brings you this ground-breaking, spectacular, three- dimensional world, taking animation to a new level. It’s set in a world full of mechani- cal walking talking robots! To make things better, about five Oscar win- ners have been brought in to voice the robots, each with their own distinctive personality. Characters include the idealistic robot Rodney Copperbottom (Ewan McGregor) who tries to convince his electronic mates to come together and make the world better; a beautiful execu- tive Cappy (Halle Berry); the despi- cable corporate tormenter Ratchet (Greg Kinnear); a master inven- tor Bigweld (Mel Brooks) who has I can think of easier ways to make babies lost his way; and a group of mis- fits known as the Rusties led by having two main dreams. One is to ter place. be a comedic tale but somehow it As is always said, never judge a Fender (Robin Williams) and Piper make the world a better place and On first impression, Robots doesn’t doesn’t go in that direction. Yes, it is book by its cover. After all, it’s sup- Pinwheeler (Amanda Bynes). the other is to meet his most adored come over too well. It is supposed to from the director of the well known pose to be a heart-warming story Fender’s head, arms and legs rou- idol, Bigweld. On his way, he meets hilarious Ice Age, but the trailer that proves that a robot can shine tinely fall off at the most inconven- Cappy who catches his interest. doesn’t really set it off right. A robot no matter what he or she is made ient moments and as Rodney fulfills Despite his good intentions, Rodney “The expectation says: “I know this place like the back of. Well, if you would like to see what Fender’s ongoing need for repairs, ends up facing opposition from an of my hand”, then looks at his hand Chris Wedge has done or see how a the two become great friends. Piper evil corporation lead by Big Weld is high; though it and says “hey, that’s new!”. Imagine world might exist if it was complete- is Fender’s tomboy sister, who sur- and finds some unlikely allies in the how long that took to come up with. ly inhabited by robots (what would prises everyone with her determina- form of a ragtag group, the misfit doesn’t seem so But with Chirs Wedge, the expecta- it look like? how would the robots tion and strength. robots, as he tries to make robots tion is high; though it doesn’t seem act?) then go and see this film. The story continues with Rodney capable of making the world a bet- funny” so funny. Vidula Vinayagamoorthy Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 27

FILM [email protected] Let’s talk about sex “Sexual behaviour in the human male” – Alfred Kinsey 1948

involved in a homosexual relation- Kinsey ship with his research colleague, Director: Bill Condon Clyde Martin (Peter Sarsgaard). He Starring: Liam Neeson,Laura even allows his wife, Clara, to engage Linney,Chris O’Donnell in extra-marital sex. When his find- Length: 119 minutes ings are first published, they are Certificate: 15 likened to the explosion of an atom HHHHI bomb by the press and Alfred is held in high regard by every American for Growing up in a morally uptight fam- his expertise in sex. ily, Alfred Kinsey (Liam Neeson) has However, his fall from the throne always been taught to consider sex arrives when he decides to publish as a major taboo. Hence, Alfred has his findings on the sexual behaviour never known intimacy with a woman of American women. His research until he marries Clara McMillen is met with disgust, and he loses all (Laura Linney). Alfred is a biolo- gist, and being the scientist that he is, he believes that there is a scien- “Homosexuality, tific solution to every problem. Thus, bestiality and after a disastrous first night in bed, he decides to meet up with a sex doc- polygamy were all tor to resolve their issues; a meeting that spurns Alfred and Clara into a practised in the journey of sexual experimentation and discovery. fifties” Much to Alfred’s surprise, he dis- covers that other couples are simi- funding for his research. His wave larly ignorant about sex (it is the of bad luck does not end there. The year 1948). Realising this astonish- sexual utopia Alfred has created A movie about sex. A ruler. You write the caption ing dearth of clinical research and between his research mates and scientific data about sex, he sets their wives crumbles to pieces when fifties. Many have argued that these a perfect manifestation of his acting depicting the scientific findings of himself on a journey to understand Clyde’s wife threatens to leave him methods are prevalent in the 21st skills. Peter Sarsgaard also gives a the American sexual culture in the it by stripping away the emotional for another man. As a result, Alfred century due to moral degradation convincing performance as a bisex- post-war years. entanglements. His research expos- spirals into a pool of self-doubt and in our society. However, the satan- ual young man. However, Laura Overall, Kinsey is a not a movie to es not just the common hetero- depression. ic tools accused of spreading this Linney needs to vary her facial be taken lightly. It provokes one to sexual relationship, but also other Frankly, Kinsey does not provoke moral degradation had not yet come expressions to further strengthen question one’s sexuality and one’s controversial relationships such as today’s audience as much as he into existence in the fifties. Does it her role as the supporting, uncon- idea of ‘normal’ sexuality. It might bestiality and homosexuality. It also must have done in the fifties. The mean that these things, considered ventional wife of an eccentric. even prove offensive to some, but favours polygamous relationships as internet has, without doubt, helped unnatural by many, are in fact, natu- One cannot watch Kinsey and not for open-minded viewers who can these apparently have the ability to alert today’s public to every imagi- ral after all? expect any scenes of nudity. Kinsey take it in their stride it is well worth spice up one’s sex life. nable and warped method there is to The cast list is one to be applaud- is in fact littered with nudity and a watch. Nevertheless, watching Alfred does not just view his find- achieve sexual satisfaction. However, ed. Liam Neeson plays the role of an provocative sex scenes. However, the eccentricities Mrs Kinsey has ings as a separate aspect of his life; he the real shock behind Kinsey is the emotionally inadequate scientist to these are done in an objective and to endure puts all other relationship applies them to his marriage as well. fact that homosexuality, bestiality perfection. His control of his body tasteful manner which helps remind issues in their place. So, Mrs Kinsey, Through his research, he becomes and polygamy were practised in the language and facial expressions is the audience that it is purely a biopic I salute you! Angela Yuen Lee Flying high

dle of a huge desert and miles away Flight of the Phoenix from their original path, they real- Director: John Moore ise no-one is going to find them. Starring: Dennis Quaid, Giovanni One important comment that did Ribisi, Miranda Otto come up every single time was that Length: 113 minutes nobody really cares about these peo- Certificate: 12A ple and nobody would actually be HHHHI searching for them. Rub it in, why don’t they? Discontented pilot Frank Towns So they have very little water and (Dennis Quaid) and his co-pilot AJ even less food and the hope of being (Tyrese Gibson) arrive on a plane rescued is quickly dwindling. After in the Mongolian desert to pick up a huge display of animal behaviour a group of oil-digging people and over water, Elliott (Giovanni Ribisi) take them back home. So, after a brings on the unexpected news of few arguments and angry looks, re-building the plane. Of course, they the group eventually packs up and have all the tools necessary and the departs. design, according to Elliott, is per- The audience gets to know each fect. This plan, however, needed a character after a bit of friendly chat lot of cooperation from every single between the seated groups. As you person. After firstly disbanding the Crash landing onto a screen near you could very well guess, the plane ride idea, they give it a shot as it would As part of the release of Flight isn’t what you would call a smooth or be something to do as opposed to and you won’t be impressed by the As for acting skills, Ribisi’s high of the Phoenix, 20th Century pleasant journey. A huge sandstorm just standing around. solution to their problems either. nasal voice is just hilarious and Fox have generously provid- causes turbulence. Towns makes The newly built plane is to be This is just a good old movie that deadly serious. Does this movie ed you with the opportunity the dumb decision to fly through, named Phoenix after a mythical bird will get your heart pounding the bring out the action-adventure-ness to win t-shirts, a gift set (with over and then around the storm. that is reborn from its own ashes, old-fashioned way (remember what in it? Definitely! watch and swiss army knife), Ultimately the plane starts falling to hence the name of the movie. that’s like?) It’s just plain exciting. The CGI is also pretty good and and ‘sandwizards’ (?) pieces and crash lands. I must admit that this was one It’s an extraordinary bit of film believable, though the sandstorm To win, be one of the first to Obviously the radio antenna is one of the better films that I’ve seen making. The questions are: can did seem pretty as opposed to scary answer this: of the pieces that falls off, causing no for some time. The audience is they all work together? Can Elliott’s with its mysterious shifting sand. In the 1965 original The Flight distress signals to be sent out before kept thrilled with the inclusion of design work? Will they get out before Sure, the movie is pretty predictable, of the Phoenix, which desert crashing. Though Towns endan- a marauding gang of black-clothed the ninjas attack them? due to its lovely title, but it’s great did they crash into? gers all their lives, no-one puts the ninja-looking bad people who use However, the main and most inter- fun. It also had a great soundtrack Email your answer to film. blame on him as he flies through humans as target practice. esting question is: who is going to that couldn’t have been any better. [email protected]. Usual Felix rules the storm. Instead they thank him This plot is not about history or die next? The pacing of the movie is All that can be said is, this flight is apply. Alan Ng for crashing. heart-warming characteristics of brisk and energetic and it has loads definitely one to be boarded! Film Editor After realising they are in the mid- the human soul. It isn’t a love story of spirit. Vidula Vinayagmoorthy Felix 28 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

FILM [email protected] Who’s hiding in your closet? An opportunity to exploit childhood nocturnal fears is missed in a second-rate horror, writes Marya Ziauddin. See Monsters Inc instead

Boogey Man In order to prove there is no ‘boogey spending the night there. man’, Tim’s father makes a show The actual idea behind the film Director: Stephen T Kay of searching through the room and must be commended. Sam Raimi Starring: Barry Watson, loudly announcing its absence. That and Stephen Kay do a good job of Emily Deschanel is until Tim points to his slightly ajar developing the story in such a way Length: 89 minutes closet door. The father approaches that it keeps you guessing through- Certificate: 15 the closet and is suddenly seized out, at who – or what – the boogey HHIII and pulled inside by something and man actually is. Is it just a figment then disappears forever. And so of the protagonist’s imagination or Sam Raimi’s production of Boogey begins Boogey Man. is it really something supernatural? Man exploits all of those fears of Now, fifteen years on, Tim (Barry The film also has some good frights the dark that we had as children Watson) is a successful magazine packed in – things that will make – things that go bump in the night, editor, engaged to his girlfriend and you jump in your seat and make eerie shadows, shifty shapes and your heart beat faster. that sinisterly semi-open closet “...will make you However the film lacked a lot, door. Boogey Man does a good job of which is the reason why Boogey creating that all-too-familiar sense jump in your seat Man failed to make the mark. of fear most of us harboured as Dialogue and character develop- children, only this time it’s better and make your heart ment are virtually non-existent – because we can take refuge in the you end up neither knowing nor car- fact that it is being played out on beat faster” ing about Tim’s new girlfriend. Tim a screen in front of us rather than also meets his childhood friend Kate experiencing it directly again. colleague Jessica (Tory Mussett). when he returns home. Although The film opens with eight-year- Unable to put the past behind him, there are hints of sexual tension old Tim Jensen trying to sleep in he still harbours a fear of closets between the two, the relationship Much like his dress sense, Boogey Man is distinctly plain his room at night. His imagination and has not been home since the is completely overlooked in order runs into overdrive and everything incident with his father fifteen years to make way for sweeping, badly of just how much of a non-event the those missing children with a grey in his room seems to take on sinister ago. He receives a phone call at angled camera shots of the house actual plot was. hue just weren’t explained. and ghastly shapes in the moon- his girlfriend’s house one weekend – something you already get plenty Plot holes aside, perhaps the big- Overall, the film is suitable for light. After repeatedly opening and informing him of his mother’s death of. Add in some completely random gest letdown was the ending. It some gasp-out-loud frights, but closing his bedside lamp to confirm (possibly another victim of the boog- plot ‘asides’ such as a little girl who just was not scary – simple as that. if you want to see a movie that there is nothing in the room with ey man?) and decides he has to con- knows the truth about the boogey Several loose ends were left untied actually has a plot, stay in your him, his father finally enters and front his fears by returning to the man and an uncle who gets shrink- – the mystery behind Tim’s uncle’s closet when Boogey Man rolls into scolds him for his irrational fears. house – the place it all started – and wrapped, and you get a better idea gruesome death and the point of town. Disturbing and unsettling, but brilliant OUT NEXT WEEK

things Walter has, and who may still Released on Friday 11 March at Vue The Woodsman be capable of doing them? Fulham Broadway: Director: Nicole Kassell To its credit, The Woodsman does Starring: Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick not try to force too much compas- Length: 88 minutes sion on us, or to advance any plea on ● Hitch Certificate: 15 Walter’s behalf, apart from the rec- HHHHI ognition of his humanity. For some ● Hostage viewers – as for some of Walter’s co- Paedophilia is one of our society’s workers and family members –this ● The Chorus most taboo subjects. Often sensa- may be too much to ask. But the tionalised in the media, we are told movie neither excuses nor exploits ● Nine Songs it is a clear black and white issue, him, and instead regards him with where paedophiles are quite clearly Visit www.myvue.com/student for evil people. “The Woodsman is more details. So it’s very strange to think that anyone would want to make an entire about a convicted There are also special paid previews film about this controversial issue. for: As distasteful as the concept may paedophile trying to be, it’s approached with surprising sensitivity and taste. The Woodsman go straight” ● Robots is a courageous and often moving drama about a convicted paedophile wary, ambivalent curiosity. ● Constantine trying to go straight. The whole thing hinges on Bacon’s Kevin Bacon stars as Walter performance, and his quiet, brood- Rossworth, a convicted paedophile ing turn is among the best work who has just been released from he’s ever done. He’s also backed Crash landing onto a screen near you prison after serving 12 years and by a solid cast with good contri- gets a job in a Philadelphia lum- butions from both Sedgwick (his like Walter back in jail. Lucas can’t tive clutter that would pull attention ber yard. It’s not such a good idea, real-life wife) and Benjamin Bratt, understand why such criminals away from the actors. though, that his downtown apart- who plays Walter’s understanding are ever released into society. And Walter’s quest for normality isn’t ment is opposite a primary school. brother-in-law. It is hard to doubt prepare to be amazed by Hannah easy, and it isn’t linear. In fact, it isn’t At the local lumber yard he meets Bacon, who has already been widely Pilkes, who plays one of the film’s clear if he’ll ever make it. As he tells and begins a strange affair with praised for his bravery in taking on potential victims. It’s unsettling and Vickie, most paedophiles are never Vickie (Kyra Sedgwick). Vickie, who such an unpalatable role. Walter is absolutely mesmerising. cured and end up reincarcerated. takes an instant shine to a loner-like literally being torn apart by his own The movie provides no easy The resolution the picture offers Walter, is ready to confess her worst self-contempt. Holding on Bacon’s answers, and it has the good sense may be more hopeful than believa- sins to him, but he is not inclined to face in tight close-up, Kassell gazes, to know when to shut up and let the ble, but the filmmakers nonetheless reciprocate. And, when he finally amazed as he acts with every mus- images tell the story. The way Walter make an honest attempt to avoid does, he immediately shows her the cle, every pore of his body. looks away from adults and at little either prurient sensationalism or door since his guilt and embarrass- Other great performances include girls says things more powerfully fake redemption. ment makes it extremely difficult Mos Def as a local cop making it very than any dialogue ever could. The subject matter alone will be for him to stay with someone once clear that he’s keeping a close eye The Woodsman is very well direct- enough to keep some audiences from his secret is revealed. Walter seems on Walter. There is some fantastic ed for a debut. Kassell’s direction seeing The Woodsman. However, I kind and repentant, yet can he ever dialogue between Sergeant Lucas is visually strong without becoming would strongly suggest you go and truly be forgiven or trusted again? and Walter. Def plays a unique and a distraction. She directs the film see this film, no matter how uncom- How much sympathy can we especially human police officer who in an unassuming, stripped-down fortable it makes you feel. Keanu Reeves in Constantine: it’s extend to a man who has done the sees it as his mission to put scum style, avoiding any visual or narra- Haj Alttahir the Matrix wardrobe again

I,A sciencesc magazineience for Imperial College

Issue 1 out this Monday, 14 March

Pick up your free copy from the usual Felix distribution points, plus the SCR and some postgraduate common rooms Felix 30 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

CoffeeCoffee BBreakreWitha Davidk Hasselhoff Okay FUCWITs, it’s the last issue of term and your last chance to get some big points. We won’t be back for a while, so you should get them while you can! Send your answers to [email protected]... and have a great holiday!

Bumper Jumbo Quiz: Coffee Break’s Greatest Hits

This week we’re going to go back B. “Unbelievable, that old Biff guage and then back again, creating 1317 Answers over old ground – the questions here could have chosen that particular a hideous shitty version, like a Joss This was the issue with Eight are all based on things we’ve done in date. It could mean that, that point Stone cover if you like. Tell us the Things We Hate About You, which previous issues. There’s two points in time inherently contains some artist and the title of this song: was really just an excuse to moan for each corrrect answer, making a sort of cosmic significance... On the “Not more long frightened of the about Imperial. huge 48 points available. It’s enough other hand, it could just be an amaz- darkness 1. H. The Medic Scum to let some of you catch up! ing coincidence.” Neither the noon darkens any- 2. F. Geeky Blokes C. “And then there was your thing 3. B. Computing 1. Way back in the autumn term, boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Nothing so ridiculously adolescent 4. C. Our Crappy Staff we did our very first issue. Nobody Minnie and Mickey, I remember and desperate 5. A. The Sports Teams entered. Shame really, ‘cos it that because of Disneyworld. And So childish 6. D. RSM was great. The main feature was Felix! Felix is what we called your... In a better slower rhythm 7. E. The Lack of Girls Mission: Imperial, where we took a *meow*.” And more calculated 8. G. The Union picture of the Felix tank and you had No opportunity of the escape.” 15. The Movie Quote Quiz does to tell us where it was in College. 5. In issue 1305 we asked you wether exactly what it says it does. However Exams are coming, which means We’ve since lost the tank so, we’ve a celebrity was Dead or Alive. It’s 10. When we did Coffee Break seeing as though it’s the last issue, Coffee Break will have to take a used The Hoff instead. Guess what the same again this time around. Cryptograms we didn’t think any- and it’s far too easy to Imdb straight break... unless you fancy writing we want you to tell us about this pic- one would like it, seeing as though quotes, we’re gonna mix it up a little. for us! Email [email protected] ture? (Clue: tell us where it is) we just got it off the web (though Like question nine, it’s going into to get in touch, it’ll be fun! not the first page of Google, we’re another language and back again. far too cunning for that). Here’s a “It did not matter. Did not it sig- cryptogram for you. Tell us what it nify anything. When I was broken, means. I would leave and would steal some FUCWIT LEAGUE more. We ran all. We settle police 2004-5 officers. We settle lawyers. We settle the judges... all was for the to take. 1. Araldite Sniffers 237 points And now it is all over.” 2. Smith & Wesson 188 points 16. Odd Ones Out was a bunch of 2. In our second issue we did one random sets, and you just had to 3. The Illegitimate Bionic Progeny of of our favourite quizzes, Whose 6. It’s the General Election in a mat- tell us which didn’t belong. Same Jeremy Beadle 134 points Breasts Are These? For some ter of weeks, and I’m sure we’ll come thing this time too – which is the odd reason the editor wasn’t too keen up with something really satirical one out here, and more importantly, 4. Management Slackers 127 points though, something about ‘too much and witty nearer the time. Until then why? nipple’. But who’s this? we’ll do what we did before, The 11. Baby pictures of famous people Here are Bert, Mustafa (looking 5. Caledonian Conspiracy 103 points Blair Film Project. Tell us what was the idea behind Hollywood’s rather fetching in his pink shirt), film Blair has managed to squeeze Finest. Here’s another baby, tell us He-Man and Chuck Norris. 6. Forever Throwing Doubles 97 pts his way into. who he/she/it grew up into. 7. Team Willy J 93 points

8. Kings of Kensington 82 points

9. Team Robin 81 points

10. Schoolboy Error 80 points 3. George W Bush Is Dumb, and depsite our best efforts, he’s still 10. Eastbound and Down 80 points the boss. Not especially surprising really. Tell us which of these quotes 7. Foot In Mouth was a quote quiz, 12. Tinkerbell 69 points isn’t a real Bush-ism. where you had to match the bull- 12. At Christmas we did a couple of A. “We’re concerned about AIDS shit said to the celebrity bullshitter. things, the big one being our Super- 13. Team Bulwer 42 points inside our White House. Make no Here’s a quote, who said it? Mega-Ultimate Xmas Lyrics Quiz, mistake about that.” “Instead of getting married again, a true test of festive spirit. What 14. The Schist Ones 38 points B. “When we consider the future I’m going to find a woman I don’t like song is this? of our nation’s libraries... we must and just give her a house.” “And it’s been so long 15. KPN2 35 points remember the lessons of September But I will be there 11th.” 8. We took the piss out of the over-paid To sing this song 17. Beat The Intro was another 16. Withnail and I Society 31 points C. “I believe that, as quickly as prima-donnas of the Premiership To pass the time away lyrics quiz, however, it’s far too easy possible, young cows ought to be with Ugly XI. Here’s another ming- Driving in my car.” to just Google these things. This 17. Rod Watson’s Super Army 29 pts allowed to go across our border.” ing footballer. Tell us who it is. time you have to complete the song, 13. Our other Christmas thing was which has an Imperial theme. 17. Oliver Carson 29 points 4. In Goonies Never Say Die we Good Year / Bad Year, our very ‘Oh RSM... asked you to match the Goonies brief quiz on 2004. Here’s an even 19. Natasha Kundi 10 points quote to the character. We don’t briefer quiz on 2005: 18. Here’s a Close-Up of an album want to repeat ourselves though. The Huygens probe landed on cover, you just tell us the artist and 20. Shatner’s Bassoon 9 points This time, tell us which of these Saturn’s moon Titan this year, but title please. quotes isn’t from a legendary eight- how many moons does Saturn 21. Minzy’s Special Needs Corpora- ies film (and is from some poncey have? tion 6 points bollocks instead). A. “I’ll tell you why. I think you’re 14. The first issue of the year brought Answers to a lonely person. I drive by this place Double Vision, a chance for us to [email protected] a lot and I see you here. I see a lot fiddle around badly with Photoshop, of people around you. And I see all a task with which we succeeded There are prizes for the top teams these phones and all this stuff on 9. For International Beats we spectacularly. Here’s a mix of two at the end of the year! your desk. It means nothing.” translated a song into a foreign lan- celebrities, just tell us which two: Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 31

COFFEE BREAK [email protected]

19. In issue 1313 we did Small “Dave, an inflatable doll, manipulating it so Stories, where we condensed the Nobody understands me. Everyone it looked as though it was singing 1 13 plots of great films into a couple of keeps telling me what they think is in the shower. But what kind of doll lines. Just tell us what film we’re best, what about me? was it?’ describing here. Maybe I enjoy taking crack? Maybe A. David Hasselhoff ‘There’s this guy, and he goes I enjoy doing heroin? Everyone just B. A naked lady 2 14 to this party to see his missus or wants to spoil my fun! C. A clown something, but there are some bad My girlfriend left me recently and German terrorists there. Then he we ended up arguing in the pub, and 23. More slagging off a couple of kills a bunch of them.’ some paparazzi took pictures, so weeks ago, with Eight Things We 3 15 she’s well pissed now. Hate About You. This time we were 20. Cat-Phrase - the hastily drew, I know I’ll find other women Hoff, moaning about Imperial, which poorly thought-out, fun game for so should I carry on with my life, or moan-wise is a bit of an open goal, all the family. Our artist is away should I clean up to win back my seeing as though nobody seems to 4 16 this week, so were forced to use the ex? like the place. Here’s another moan, magic of copy and paste to put this She’s pretty fit. but what are we talking about? together. Just say what you see, Thanks David, loved your work in ‘Some people are just far too keen, what’s pussy doing? Baywatch!” especially this lot. It’s a case of job’s 5 17 for the boys with these guys, though 22. Heroes and Villains was really there is the occasional girl there. just a chance to slag off people we They run this College in the most 6 18 dislike – the heroes bit came later! clique-y way possible, and bombard Here’s another villain of ours, just us with pointless crap come election answer the question about them. time.’ And remember kids, if someone 7 19 offers you an Usher, 50 Cent or 24. Just last week we did History Of Maroon-fucking-5 record, just say Hoff, to spice it up a little this time no. round we’ve made a slight and sub- tle change to the format, replacing 8 20 David with his arch-rival and nem- esis, Mr T. Tell us what historical event Mr and his bling are obscur- ing to get the points. 9 21

10 22

11 23 ‘Hahahahaha! We’re the delight- fully EVIL staff of the world-famous 21. The Hoff got a page all to himself plaza hotel, New York. We terrorised for Dear David, and he hasn’t left that little brat Kevin McAllister in 12 24 since. Here’s a quick problem, just the legendary work of genius, Home tell us who’s it is, and what they’re Alone 2: Lost in New York. Kevin Well, good luck! You’ve got until the actually talking about. scared us out of his room by using beginning of next term!

Felix Crossword 1319 by Snufkin

1 2 3 4 5 6 6 7 8 Across Down 1. I’m back on Seinfeld, drunk 1. Flesh distracted team (4) HelloHello a again,gain, a andnd w welcomeelcome t too thethe 9 9 – you’ve got to watch your step 2. What does Mr Perfect have? last puzzle of term. I’ve nothing to in such situations! (10) That’s easy! (2,7) say about it – no theme, no obscure 10 11 6. She had a little hut (4) 3. Another man’s terrorist? (7,7) words, just an ordinary cryptic. So 10. Arms pulled half off – that’s 4. Trance club drug (7) instead I’ll write something about 11 12 enough! (5) 5. German city doctor needs extraordinary cryptics, for the bene- 11. She will look good with chav lunatic (7) fit of those who find ordinary ones too 11 12 clothing (5,4) 7. Time on island with beautiful easy but haven’t yet found anything 12. Might these be found at an aris- woman (5) more taxing. Specifically, I’d like 13 14 15 16 17 tocrat’s garden party? (5-3-6) 8. Hateful beast let Ed loose (10) to mention the Listener crossword, 14. 100 old members reported slan- 9. Intriguing items necessary for printed in the Weekend Review sec- 14 15 16 der (7) production of Julius Caesar? tion of the Saturday Times. Listener 15. Falls back again with Royal (5-3-6) crosswords are thematic, challeng- 19 20 21 Artillery (7) 13. Where one can see test results? ing and rewarding; recent themes 17. Rocky moraine yielding lettuce (5-5) have included a murder mystery in (7) 16. March is over by the time this which solvers had to find the culprit, 17 18 19 19. Civil War soldier hurt free lad sucker shows up (5,4) Dante’s Inferno, and the construc- (7) 18. Former thespian is a tion of a Valentine’s Day card. If 23 24 25 20. How a model pupil turns up to demanding sort (7) you’re a hardened solver, I strongly lessons? (6,3,5) 19. Dog eating priest in Beethoven recommend you give them a shot. If 20 21 23. Inmate all sick of food (9) opera (7) not, fear not: Felix will provide. 24. German heartthrob – might he 21. Dimwit starts to input data in Snufkin 27 28 29 30 22 get his hand up this? (5) other table (5) 25. See fruit (4) 22. Metal cable (4) Issue 1318 solution 23 24 26. Give weapons to our Charlie, a C C R A I A A I V E R B U T S boy built like a tank (6-4) C A L C U L U S A S C A L A R 32 V P V R L E I I T T M R I N O C O N E W V I S O R I D Y K E 25 26 C N N F I E E N C A T R I A K Z E P P E L I N A N A T U R E C Z E O H E T E N G T O R D S H A C K E F O R C E R K I S S Last week’s winner is Matthew Pott, EEE II R Q V E R I R V O O O Y O E S Send your answers to [email protected] or bring this page down to the Felix office in F U H R E R Y E U P H O R I A A A I S T E T E L U A N I M M the West Wing of Beit Quad. Each week, we’ll choose a winner and print their name, thus O R A L R T I M E S D R A P S providing them with almost unlimited kudos and self-satisfaction. Everyone who provides T I I I U E A O T H E A A U D us with a correct solution will get an entry into our prize draw at the end of the year E U R E K A C B O U N C E R S S M G D O M T Y E P O K I E C

Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 33

SPORT [email protected] Going for a ride

Zoë and Dutch at Brunel Tess jumping Mouse

RIDING in BUSA, as with all aspects stayed. Tess did brilliantly to mum’s Thoroughbred event- tantrum in the middle of their well, though when I warmed of equestrianism, involves pick up fifth in her first comp, ing – is, by her own admis- test. There is no consoling Trio (Tess’ jump horse) up, having luck on your side and and Zoë beat me to eighth sion, not a cob rider, so I’ll say Gus after he’s been upset, his he was squealing, bucking By Gemma Doré what kind of mood your horse by one point. The highlight no more about that! Again, little thoroughbred brain can’t and bronco-ing like a rodeo is in – and it really can go both of the day for me was the the jumping had very little handle it, so the third rider pony, and progressively got Well the Riding Club A Team ways. worried manner with which influence on the dressage, also had a dreadful time! Tess faster and faster for the other had an interesting season The dressage was a bit of a the other teams enquired but we got two riders placed was ever so disappointed with teams. Tess did a brilliant this year. We only had three shambles really. You need to if we still rode at Medburn, again – Tess joint third and Jo her six mark discrepancy. round on him though, espe- competitions, as Kingston be within about 5% of the lead- and if we did, would we be joint eighth. The Brunel girl had ridden cially since she had him last, had dropped out of the league ing test to be in with a chance, using Winston (anyone who And now, the home comp. Merlin before, at a friendly and he really was a like a before Christmas. We were and a red-faced Tess (who rides that horse is scarred Well it was interesting! I had comp we held for C team rid- steam train by this point. Jo competing at our new yard at spent the whole warm-up for life)! only ridden my dressage ers last year (what their best jumped a brilliant clear on Trent for the first time, so the wishing that she was allowed Next up was UCL. Again, horse, Malibu, three times, (I first team riders were doing Flash (with Zoë and I just extra training sessions really spurs on her deceptively lazy the dressage was awful. I rode my old dressage horse, there I’ll never know, hardly having one pole) to secure came in handy. horse, who seemed immune thought I’d done really well the phenomenal Winston, at fair on the other universities first, with Zoë in third, Tess Our first competition of the to the whip) got off to a really on Cashmere, possibly the least about 100 times) and who did send C team riders), in fifth and me in seventh. season was at Brunel – not good start being less than 3% idlest pony I’d ever ridden. Zoë had only ridden Gus for and knew exactly what but- We got team first place, and our favourite venue, I have behind the leader. Zoë and I He went quite well, and did about 20 minutes (though he tons to press. I had Malibu to cap it all off, Jo and Tess to say – we always seem to were just about on the case, a nice test, with a fairly con- is very similar in character to first (bad luck of the draw) made it through to the region- do badly there and this year both being 5% behind, and Jo sistent head carriage. I really Zoë’s favourite horse, Basil). and she was like a rocket, als as the two highest scoring was to prove no exception. I had felt the brunt of BUSA didn’t expect to be so far off There were no worries about but had calmed down by the individuals, so big congratula- woke up on the Monday with bad luck, by being the last to the pace – over 10% behind, Tess and Jo though – they time her subsequent riders tions for them! an awful cold, and by the time go on her horse, which was though the lead scores were knew their horses inside got on. The girl who won on If there are any people evening came I found myself absolutely knackered by this some of the highest I’ve ever out. her made two mistakes that reading this who fancy a go on the phone to captain Jo point, and could barely main- seen at BUSA. In my defence, The dressage was the best the judge didn’t seem to pick at competing, then please having serious doubts that I’d tain a good canter. I was still relying heavily on yet; we ended on a score of up (grrrr), and the less said get in touch, as we are los- be able to ride. She convinced Not surprisingly, we went Nurofen to get me through six, with both Jo and Zoë about the whole thing the bet- ing four team riders this year me to come along anyway, into the jumping in last place, the day and I was first on, and absolutely blowing away the ter, as far as Tess and I were and would love to hear from and so I arrived at Snowball and – let’s face it – the jump- the Judge is usually always competition on Storm (who concerned! anyone who is happy doing Farm wishing I was in bed! ing was merely a formality, as over- or under-generous with is not an easy ride) and Gus, The jumping was slightly a Novice level dressage test The rest of the team were the track was tiny, with the the 1st rider (I claim under!) who developed brain strain more eventful than previ- and jumping a strange (some- fit and healthy, and Tess was only ‘problem’ being a tight Tess rode the huge Bertie (though after Zoë got off, as ous comps, but not much as times in the worst sense) excited to be at her first ever turn into the last fence which excellently to take the leading she was lucky enough to get Trent had lowered our course horse around a 3ft course. BUSA comp. This soon wore was a style. This meant that test with him. Jo did a great him first) when the second after the previous week’s B You can find all the info you off however, as you realise it had no real bearing on the job on Frank, and Zoë – who girl bullied him a bit, and he team comp. Trio, Flash, BJ need on our website: www. that a large part of doing well results, and last is where we is more used to taking her therefore decided to have a and Pablo all jumped really union.ic.ac.uk/riding.

Jo on winning form with Storm The A team, desperate to get down to the pub Felix 34 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

SPORT [email protected] Winning wet weekend for Boat Club

ROWING student Senior 8+ competed still on the trailer. As a testa- race is the Kingston Head Brookes were rather stacked first with Cambridge, even in the morning division. The ment to IC efficiency, when on 12 March, then the week- with GB rowers who’d just after a ten second penalty girls made a vast improve- the novices de-boated, the end after it’s the Head of the come back from training camp for use of foul language. The By Ben Anstiss and ment on their performance senior guys were all stand- River Race on the Thames in Seville. And being Brookes coxless four brought home Clarice Chung in Peterborough to come sec- ing round, their boat on the from Chiswick to Putney. boys, they spend their entire bronze medals, despite hav- ond in their division (far, far trailer; they had managed to Determined to carry lives rowing and pretending ing never rowed together Two Head races over a sin- better than last!) just behind arrive, rig their boat, race and on from the success of the to do ‘degrees’ in tourism or before. The eight raced well, gle weekend, Saturday the Reading crew. They have de-rig in well under an hour. Reading Head, a small group hotel management. overtaking both Brookes and in Reading and Sunday in really worked hard these past There were excellent results of rowers piled into our shiny The women performed well, Loughborough along the way. Nottingham (BUSA), meant weeks to improve dramati- for both boats, with the senior new minibus for the long tedi- despite a major disadvantage. The race officials had repeat- a busy few days for Imperial cally as a crew and should crew coming 1st in the Senior ous journey to Nottingham. It Whilst all the other crews edly told us that we’d won College Boat Club. Reading be commended for the effort 1 category, 1st in the divi- was, in general, a relatively paraded their incy-wincy the Championship Eights, was an opportunity for the they and their coaches (Foxy sion and 3rd overall for the successful day with IC boats child-like coxes, they were but at the medal presenta- ‘non-student’ Senior 8+ in particular) have all put in. day, just behind Isis (Oxford) being placed in the top 3 for stuck with me – rather too tall tion we were suddenly told (made up of graduates and The non-student Senior 8+ and Leander. Particularly every race they entered. and definitely far too heavy to we’d got silver. They’d made a few ex-IC rowers), the sec- and the Novice men competed well done to Rich ‘Hasselhoff’ The men’s coxed four of cox. To top it all off, I’d forgot- a typo, apparently, that took ond ‘student’ Senior 8+ and in the afternoon division. The Harrison who rowed so hard Oli, Rich, Iain, Big Ginger ten my lifejacket and CoxBox 10 seconds off our time. How the Novice men and women novice crew decided to boat he threw up 15 strokes from Henry and little Ali won their (the magic box that tells me convenient that Nottingham to show what they’re made extra-early to get a nice long the finish. The Novices won event easily. Our top men’s how fast we’re rowing and should win (narrowly) on of before the massive Head warm-up paddle before rac- their category easily, placing eight came up against their connects my microphone to home ground! Never mind, of the River Races on the ing. So early, in fact, that the 10th in the division and 18th old rivals Oxford Brookes the speakers so that the row- we’ll open up a can of whoo- Thames this month. senior crew were nowhere to overall, 36 seconds behind in a bid for the headship. ers can hear me). Oops... pass on them at the Women’s The Novice girls and the be seen and their boat was the senior boat! Their next Unfortunately for them, The coxed four came joint Head, revenge will be sweet! DeIViants start a winning streak

HOCKEY Quite frankly, Zaidi rocks ‘Dirty Sheets’, wiping up any in at the start of the match, ond half we were much more opportunities in a row. on pitch for us. Supported chances that St Bart’s may the deIViants were helped by aggressive with Manish, Atul We then spent a few hours by a few ringers (mentioning have had. We must also men- lady luck when the fifth team and Ray making some fine in the pub with GKT, where By Richard Kirk and no names, Andreas, Rich F, tion a notable performance match was abandoned. From challenges to prevent their we successfully smashed Atul Rana Charlie and Andrew) in mid- from Ray in midfield, who is a feeble seven players, we attacks reaching our D. pin glasses, both insulted field, we showed that we are proving to be once of the most now had a magnificent 13. The hero of this half was and impressed GKT ladies, After a season of continu- a force to be reckoned with, successful freshers ever to The game began at a shock- Andreas again. With another and even learnt a few drink- ously being dicked on, the so when James put the first grace DeIViant ranks. ingly slow pace, so much so two goals, he thrusted us into ing songs from their ladies’ almighty deIViants started goal in from a sharp strike, It is always good to have that captain Kirk retreated the lead. It must be noted that squad to add to our repertoire winning matches and we we were in for the kill. such a victory, however this back from his experimental Charlie faced GKT’s number of deIViant tunes. Notable want to share the goodness As for St Bart’s, they were week’s result was particularly midfield position to defence 10 with passion resulting in points of the post-match cel- with everyone. So here are good, but not good enough. sweet as after our last meet- to chill with the gang at the threats from the GKT nutter ebrations involved Tim down- our victorious tales of deIVi- Azlan quickly picked out ing we went away robbed 3-3 back. Fortunately James, such as “I will break your ing four shots of gin when ancy. their star player, giving Tim after a last minute goal from Andreas and JonnyQ showed legs” and “I will eat you Lauren asked him (funnily he and Tom the chance to force a penalty corner. their dominance in mid- alive” before the said oppo- never drinks with us for some Imperial Men’s 4th 2 many attacks. Continued field, keeping GKT in their sition player decided that reason), Ray and Andrew’s St Bart’s Men’s 3rd 0 pressure pushed us further Imperial Men’s 4th 4 place. Their best chance only stealing our beloved Charlie’s ‘pint through socks’ and ahead with a goal from James GKT Men’s 3rd 0 occurred when captain Kirk stick and throwing it off the Doug’s party piece fineage We set out to Stepney Green ‘Charlie’ ‘Will I ever live up shot at his own net, trying to pitch would be best plan of while drinking six shots of with a thirst for revenge as to my brother’s reputation’ This was a monumental event chip our ’keeper Doug! action. The official umpire, gin. He also deIViantly man- memories of our last disas- Edge. in deIViant history, as we Andreas then quickly meanwhile, was probably aged to lose control of his pint trous encounter were still The defensive fort was made friends with the oppo- saw GKT’s weak spots and daydreaming. and smash it on the floor. fresh. being held tight by Rich, sition’s ladies’ team (or so rammed two goals in. But The game ended with a bar- Happy with our first BUSA The match started off with Andrew and Atul, who spoiled we’d like to think). But back even with our 2-0 lead we rage of short corners against win and overall five points in frosty snow falling on the pitch any attacks. Not all credit can to the point, we won our first were not happy. JonnyQ GKT. Sadly these were all our first year in the BUSA on a chillingly cold afternoon. be given to them though, as BUSA match ever. No doubt reminded us of recent draws directed at Tim, who felt that leagues, the fourths have fin- The first half was uneventful, we still have Doug, our wicket these winning memories will following from leading posi- he could do a far better job ished the year in style and but the game soon livened up keeper/goalkeeping star who be glorified in the hazy mists tions in his motivational half than the rest of us and then the chant “IC IVths walk on in the second with credit due once again denied others the of beer in the future! time team talk. This talk must single-handedly managed water” was sung out again to to Zaidi and James. satisfaction of calling him Struggling to get a squad have worked, as in the sec- to miss three short corner lift those deIViant spirits up. Seconds edge closer to ULU safety

FOOTBALL points in the last few games though, and for once we had kicks from long range that the left had their ’keeper our fantasy league. But wait, in the ULU league to avoid the subs and balls to warm up week and with a bit of a tail flapping again, resulting in that bloody pesky mole hadn’t Imperial Medicals drop in both competitions. with. It was all looking too wind and the low sun in their another loose ball in the box. finished yet and cunningly Men’s 1st 0 If that wasn’t enough to get good to be true, but would it keeper’s eyes, he decided to And yes, up popped the mole took on the keeper, rounding Imperial Men’s 2nd 4 the boys up for this game, last or would it all fall apart? have a pop... a poor decision for his second, another good him with ease to tuck away our opponents were medics. We started well with Kemo though, and the effort was slot and we were flying. his third and our fourth. After relegation in BUSA, And not just any medics, they and Will looking solid at the fairly comfortably saved. There was very little traffic Meanwhile, AK had been on the inquest into what went were our own medic first back, when not practising With a lot of our players out going in the other direction the sidelines making a dra- wrong concluded that our team who were also firmly their diving for future fix- of position, the quick counter and it was evident that Clifton matic recovery from his four- (Imperial Seconds’) mistake lodged in the southern hemi- tures that is. With the mid- could have caught us out, but was getting seriously bored in month long injury. He sud- was leaving Will in charge. sphere of ULU Premier 1. So field of Easter and Has doing Easter dealt with the clear- goal. When he was called into denly declared himself fully Even though he was only in a six-pointer and a bit of old ‘exactly what it says on the ance and put the considera- action, the voices in his head fit and came on for the man of charge for one game, the boy school rivalry to boot looked tin’ and Parrott and Benji ble bulk of Greedy away down were definitely on song and the match Hideki. managed to relegate us, but like making for an interest- looking dangerous out wide, the left wing. Greedy put over the red mist had descended, A great result put us nearly not content with that he also ing day. the job of the resident mole in a cross, the medic ’keeper got but other than adding a little into the safety of mid-table had to personally score the Our skipper got up that the hole was taken by Hideki, a touch on it and it fell in the spice at the back, this was mediocrity. ICSM at the time screamer of an own goal that morning went out for a fry-up leaving Pacman up front. box. First to react was Hideki, pretty irrelevant that day. of writing have a lowly one sank us. Special Will, very in preparation for the game Soon a free kick about 40 and a tricky ball was athleti- It didn’t take long for the point and are lying in the special. at his local greasy spoon, but yards out on the right hand cally volleyed in. A very cool third to come. Benji was away drop spot. But ULU tables With the bizarre events was kidnapped by the Links side was awarded. All the big finish and just the start we down the right hand side and are never up to date so hope- of this season’s BUSA fix- boys and was next seen wad- guns/big headed folk went up, were looking for. finished emphatically for his fully we will get a repeat of tures behind us, Team dling around Princes Gardens but Easter had other ideas. We didn’t have to wait first Imperial goal. Keep a this fixture next year as it Bouncebackabilty needed naked! The rest of our merry After spending an entire long for the second either. A clean sheet now and it’d be a always makes for an interest- to rapidly accumulate some gang managed to make it training session taking free Parrott run and shot down good points haul for us all in ing clash. Felix Thursday 10 March 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 35

SPORT [email protected] ‘Goal of the season’ brings dramatic triumph

HOCKEY premier two teams battled for a while, but they fought on murmurs of flu took their toll Then, with ten minutes contender for goal of the sea- it out on Monday night at relentlessly, building play and for a while, as IC were forced remaining, Helene really did son, not to mention the fact Sponsored by Harlington in a match where looking the sharper team. to absorb some pressure have the goal in her sights that it won the game for IC at everything was at stake. IC Still 1-0 down at half time, themselves, with GKT deter- that night, working even more a tense 4-3 final scoreline. had to beat GKT to stay in but full of optimisim, IC mined not to be made to look magic with a second short Whilst Roxy and Helene contention to win the league, again set the pace after the stupid. Two rather unfortu- corner conversion, making it stole the show in terms of while GKT only had to draw restart. nate goals were conceded by all even at 3-3. goal scoring, the defeat of or win to gain top spot. It wasn’t long before some IC as concentration lapsed, IC knew that a draw sim- GKT was at the hands of a The match started with promising pressing play was and they found themselves ply wasn’t good enough, and formidible team effort, and Imperial Women’s 1st 4 Imperial dominating play, rewarded by a short corner 3-1 down. in the dying minutes Helene everyone played exception- GKT Women’s 1st 3 moving the ball decisively in the Imperial side’s favour, It took a second delightful and Roxy joined forces again, ally well. around the pitch and creating and Helene Wehrmann put a through pass fromWehrmann with Roxy’s touch on a fly- Now all that remains is to By Hannah Marshall a decent array of chances. A venomous shot in the bottom to the slick stick of Roxy FP ing pass from midfield just beat them again in the final of shock goal from GKT against right corner to bring it back for IC to pull back a slither of enough to send the ball over the ULU Cup when we have a What a nail-biting finish to the run of play in the first half level. hope and bring the score to a her shoulder and that of the full strength team... bring on the ULU League! ULU ladies’ took the wind out of IC’s sails The cold of the night and more respectable 3-2. rooted GKT ‘keeper. A sure those GKT Medics! Riding roundup Results

RIDING pearing from last year. did amazing on that pony so to really say about them. We Nothing terrible happened Kat suffered numerous penal- did what we try to do best MONDAY Portsmouth Men’s 2nd 2 and I was able to perfect ties. Jess and Storm did fine but usually end up failing at, ICSM Men’s 2nd 0 By Kate Douglas my dressage reading abil- and Jess got the best score, and went to work on the dres- 28 FEBRUARY ity. Lunch was mediocre, a meaning no penalties. El and sage tests. No-one appeared ICSM Men’s 3rd 0 “Recognize the Bolsheviks? few sandwiches and ‘Nice’ Lily performed a good, test to do terribly on our side. The FOOTBALL RSM Men’s 1st 1 Why, you may as well speak biscuits: disappointing really even though Lily resembles judge once again thought oth- of legalising sodomy!” after Reading’s banquet from a mule. Can you guess what erwise, and the marking was Holloway Men’s 5th 0 Goldsmiths Women’s 1st 8 Thus spoke Spirit: Stallion of the previous week, but free came next? Yes, lunchtime extremely questionable which Imperial Men’s 5th 0 ICSM Women’s 3rd 0 the Cimarron, well not really, lunch is free lunch. When followed by jumping. Can you didn’t improve the bleak day. Winston Churchill did. But you’re standing outside in the see the pattern? Lunch was terrible. And NETBALL LACROSSE Spirit was a horse. Winston cold for six hours, you learn to While we ate, we watched jumping just capped it off. The Churchill wasn’t a horse but value your lunch. (some with excitement, some course was NOT an actual Goldsmiths Women’s 2nd 11 Imperial Women’s 1st 4 I bet he liked them... almost Anyway, jumping closed the with apprehension) as the course. It was just numerous Imperial Women’s 2nd 28 Bath Women’s 1st 15 too much... but that’s not the day. All four teams gathered jumping course was erected. randomly numbered jumps point. outside the arena to watch The aforementioned emo- which happened, by chance, Goldsmiths Women’s 1st 13 TABLE TENNIS So another competition the horses warm up. Kat was tions increased as the A team to be spatially similar in terms ICSM Women’s 2nd 22 year is over for the Imperial delegated to ride Aria again demonstrated how good our of being enclosed by the same Imperial Men’s 1st 4 College Riding Club B/Shield this year, a chunky grey mare. horses can be. BJ, Flash and fence. It caused us to force York Men’s 1st 12 Team. The word ‘year’ is used Sarah took Acti who I had done Trio wowed the other teams the horses to bend in ways in the loosest sense as we well on last year, and El rode with their speed and agil- that would make a Cirque du TUESDAY only competed in four com- Dutch who had tossed her off ity. Avignon caused people Soleil contortionist wince. petitions against the same last year (pun intended?) to bury faces in sleeves to Needless to say, the jump- 1 MARCH three teams; Reading, RVC Once again, ‘dumb-as-nails’ stop laughter being heard. ing was humorous but not SATURDAY and Surrey. Kate (me) took on the pow- OK, so it wasn’t that bad but beneficial to our team score. BASKETBALL The second competition was erhouse giraffe-on-speed that she did just blankly refuse to Jess barely managed to drag 5 MARCH the RVC home competition, was Figaro. But we all sur- jump and so enter Shannyn her tired and flat-footed steed King’s Men’s 1st 43 held in the delightful township vived, which was nice. There ‘squeals-like-a-pig’ to act as a around and took several poles Imperial Men’s 1st 45 FOOTBALL of Slough. Cold, early morn- were no frightful incidences replacement. and jump wings with her. I ings aren’t conducive to me to report, except that one of The long and the short of it got one pole down on the Imperial Men’s 2nd 0 being in the best of moods so the Reading girls didn’t pay was that our jumping course pro-show jumper who was King’s Men’s 1st 1 what could have made the day much attention and went caused numerous problems. minus an important piece of WEDNESDAY better? It sure wasn’t waiting through the jump rather than There were poles down eve- tack (in my opinion), El had Imperial Men’s 5th 5 outside in the cold at 8am over it. Their grave mistake rywhere and a few refusals a similar round and Kat took 2 MARCH St Bart’s Men’s 2nd 2 for our driver. What it was, was our outrageous gain and thrown in for good measure. on ‘Georgina Ballerina’, who though, was the lack of mini- we actually, truly, for once, But us IC girls came out tops could be likened to one of the FENCING King’s Men’s 5th 1 bus. That’s right. No show- didn’t lose! We came third and and won ourselves another hippos from Fantasia, but all Imperial Men’s 6th 2 ing up in classy IC minibus I got an individual 7th. A good third place, Jess got herself went well. And the results? A Reading Women’s 1st 135 style for us. Instead, we had day for all. an individual 2nd and I got an not unexpected fourth place Imperial Women’s 1st 89 Imperial Men’s 7th 1 to sprint across Hyde Park A week later, it was our individual 5th. So again, not a for Imperial College, with Kat School of Pharmacy Men’s 1st 6 to Paddington, considerably turn to host the ceremony completely failed day. and El getting 7th and 6th FOOTBALL weighed down by our exten- and we were allowed to do it Finally the last competition place respectively in the indi- St Bart’s Men’s 3rd 3 sive riding kit: hats, boots, at midday as opposed to stu- was held in Farnham, home viduals. Royal Free Men’s 2nd 1 ICSM Men’s 4th 0 whips (ooh-err) and back pid o’clock. This week Sarah to the Surrey girls. We arrived So that was that. Final count Imperial Men’s 4th 3 protectors (similar to Kevlar was replaced by Jess. Now, ridiculously early thanks to for Imperial: two third places, stab-proof vests). the point of home competi- Luke, our chauffeur for the two fourths and a smattering Imperial Men’s 6th 3 So what, I hear you ask, tions is a home advantage. day. What have I said about of individuals. We lost of the Queen Mary Men’s 3rd 3 actually happened at the com- Or so I have always been led early mornings? Throw in league, RVC won the league SUNDAY petition? Well, as is normal, to believe. However I feel as the fact that it was hover- but fun was had by all. At HOCKEY dressage was first up for the though I have been lied to. For ing around two degrees and least, I hope we all had fun. 6 MARCH day. I took a gingery (chest- all the money I spent learning I was not the happiest bunny. Fun tended to be had most by UCL Men’s 1st 3 nut) animal who was appar- how to ride Pablo, I may as The Reading girls got lost en me in the Union later those Imperial Men’s 1st 4 NETBALL ently still a baby, Kat rode well have not bothered as we route, delaying the start of the Wednesday evenings. The Mouse, Sarah was on a small didn’t produce the goods. Kat fight... I mean competition. Union encourages me to drink ICSM Men’s 1st 2 GKT Women’s 2nd 10 pony called Becky and El rode Sushi: I didn’t see it but The horses weren’t anything responsibly, but seeing as I GKT Men’s 1st 1 Imperial Women’s 1st 0 chose Rocket who was reap- unfortunately someone else special and there’s nothing had to drink for four people... Felix 36 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 March 2005

Sport [email protected] Imperial take their best shot

Imperial’s first team takes aim for the flush (left to right: Anthony, Geoff, Tristan, Tim) Imperial’s BUSA Clay Shooting teams 2005

SHOOTING competition of the shooting arriving only 20 minutes late, group of four guns. this time last year, but we outshot his position in the 3rd calendar. In accordance with but unfortunately this would Following the flush, the still leave plenty of room to team with a 33; a score better BUSA Clay Shooting the traditional popularity of prove to be the closest we ran group split into their teams to progress. than any of his colleagues in Championships 2005 the event within the rifle club, to schedule all weekend. shoot the 50 bird sporting. The There were some really note- the second team and putting Imperial once again entered Despite our lateness, we standard proved challenging worthy results from Imperial. him joint 18th in the Trophy By Geoffrey Quint three men’s teams and a were still registered before this year, with the first teams Tim Aplin finished joint 6th in competition. ladies’ team with a total of 16 half of our competitors. All shooting the Championship the country with 38 out of 50. An exciting weekend fin- Saturday 26 February saw competitors. of the teams opened with the course, which was more dif- Tristan Carmichael was close ished in the Union where all the hosting of the BUSA Clay We set off from South Ken flush – 100 clays launched ficult than the Trophy course behind with 37, which was enjoyed some well-deserved Shooting Championships around 5.20pm on the Friday randomly from a choice of shot by the others. All of our good enough for joint 11th. drinks. I really cannot wait to 2005, the most anticipated evening. Happily, we ended up five fixed traps and shot as a teams preformed better than Finally, Konrad Skorko really do it all again next year.

Quick Crossword by Fishface

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Across Down 1. Unblemished; perfect (4,9) 1. US homemaking icon now under house 8 8. Becomes more lenient (7) arrest (6,7) 9. Toxin used to remove wrinkles (5) 2. Synthetic material (5) 8 9 10. A native of India (5) 3. Buyers (9) 10 11. Action brought before a court (3,4) 4. Of the nose (5) 13. Relating to great English playwright 5. World governing body of rugby union Send your answers to 10 11 12 (13) (1,1,1) 15. Signs up (7) 6. Enter rudely or inappropriately (7) [email protected] or bring this page to the Felix office in 12 13 14 17. Alain ____, French racing driver (5) 7. Almost zero (4,2,7) 19. Kofi ____, UN Secretary General (5) 12. Deficient attribute; vulnerable area (4,5) the West Wing of Beit Quad 13 14 21. Art of folding paper (7) 14. Capital of state of Georgia, USA (7) 22. Hobby of watching vehicles; 1996 film; 16. Pry (5) Issue 1318 solution 16 17 18 novel (13) 18. African forest mammal (5) S L E I G H T O F H A N D 20. Woman belonging to religious order (3) M O M T U R I A I T M R E 15 16 17 18 A M B L E O M A N S I O N L A R P S P O O L R G S T 20 21 L I A I S O N D A R O M A C O C N E C O S N I D E L A D E S T E F I D E L E S 19 20 21 P C H E O L A A P Y U A U I D L E R E T H U N D E R 23 T A E L P R H D S R D P G A C A D E M E I U N I T E 22 L A R S D E N N A N S A O S O N G O F S O L O M O N