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KOL: VOICING A SINGLE ISSUE A PROJECT OF THE ORTHODOX CAUCUS WWW.OCWEB.ORG Survey Says: Orthodox. Single. Oy Vey. The 2000-2001 National Jewish Population Survey conducted by the United Jewish by Rabbi Shmuel Goldin and Rabbi Josh Joseph Communities reveals that: ______I More than one-half of Jewish men and At the Orthodox Caucus our goal is to live an observant life. Others are tired of more than one-third of Jewish women move the community towards action on being pitied; instead, they would prefer among American Jews ages 25-34 are All the lonely people, not married. these issues. To that end, we offer the people’s acceptance, encouragement and where do they all come from? following essays as a glimpse of the maybe even a thoughtful effort to set them I While Orthodox Jews marry somewhat complex mosaic that comprises the Singles up on a date. earlier than non-Orthodox Jews, numbers All the lonely people, Phenomenon. In an attempt to reflect the We urge you to spend some time with of unmarried Orthodox adults today are diverse, growing singles population we these essays. Many of the authors have far higher than they were several decades ago. where do they all belong? have called upon a variety of people to courageously shared their stories and have share their insights. The authors presented offered ways for us to improve – in concrete I Proportionally fewer Jews than Americans – THE BEATLES – here are a microcosm of our community. fashion – upon circumstances which are have ever been married. ______They are rabbis, teachers, , social troubling to so many. Think about these I Jews tend to marry later than Americans. workers, mental health professionals and words and share them with your friends I Proportionally more Jewish women hy are there so many single people who have dedicated their lives to and . than US women remain childless in every WOrthodox Jews? Perhaps we can this issue.They also include singles from all This publication, however, is only a first age group. point to the amplified tension surrounding walks of life- not only people in their 20’s or step. Instead of worrying about what I Fertility is lower among Jewish women and or to the disap- 30’s,but single parents who are widowed or someone else can do, each of us needs to than among US women. pearance of normal, natural ways for peo- divorced, or older people who have never get involved. Our shared challenge is to I 42% of the Jewish adult population ple to meet. Some people delay marriage been married. implement practical, concrete changes. is single. due to concerns about career, education or The goal of this compilation is to make Your thoughts and ideas can help us turn I 30% of Jewish households are finances. Others find that the new “rules each of us think – and think differently – these words into real change: change that and regulations” which have emerged on single-dwellings. about a situation that touches all of will improve individual people’s lives; I the scene limit their possibilities. our lives either directly or tangentially. change that will strengthen the fabric of Rates of intermarriage have increased from 13% in 1970 to 47% in 2001. Whatever the causes, one thing is Our objective is to implement a change in our community now and into the future. © 2001–2004 United Jewish Communities. All rights reserved. certain: we as a community have not done attitude among synagogues,organizations, On the last page you will find some ideas enough to address the root issues that con- schools, and which will enable for moving forward. We hope you will also The Israel Bureau of Statistics tribute to and surround the “Singles single people of all ages to feel included visit our website, www.orthosingles.org released figures in August 2004 Phenomenon.” To be fair, we have also in the Orthodox community, and to and join in the discussion. Together we can showing a dramatic increase in the added to the loneliness of single people – pursue courtship in a natural, friendly, less let all Jews know that though they may be percentage of single Israelis: through lack of acceptance, implicit or tension-filled way. lonely, they are not alone. I I In 2002, 90% of Israeli men 20-24 years old explicit. And while there appears to be sharp were single compared to 77% in the 1970’s. These are concerns not only for singles, disagreement among the essayists, striking Rabbi Shmuel Goldin of Congregation Ahavath I The percentage of single 25-29 year-old but also for the entire Jewish community. themes emerge in the pages before you. Torah in Englewood, NJ is also an instructor of men grew from 28 in the 1970’s to We are dealing with our future, with the Many singles have not been able to get Bible at Yeshiva University. Rabbi Josh Joseph is 58 in 2002. health of a generation of observant Jews. married despite their wishes otherwise. the Executive Director of The Orthodox Caucus. I In the 1970’s,46% of 20-24 year old women Whether we personally are married or not, Some feel alienated by the Orthodox were single as opposed to 75% in 2002. we should be concerned. community, sometimes losing the will to For women aged 25-29, the figures rose from 15% to 37%. © 2004 The State of Israel. All rights reserved

MORE VOICES: Not Just Someone Else’s Business by Rabbi Paysach Krohn hat are we doing about the thou- So he made a list of every single man and This lesson has to be applied in all situa- Wsands of unmarried people across single woman he could think of – there were tions. Find someone in a similar situation to Home for the Jewish the globe that cannot find their shidduch? about thirty of each. And then, every time your own and try to help them and then Parents who have married children should he made a call on behalf of his daughter, maybe Hashem will help you. Daven for these Holidays especially feel the pain of others who do not. he made a call on behalf of someone else people during Shemoneh Esrei where all the 4 I will share with you a story about a on the list. Within five weeks, his language is plural – refaenu, barech aleinu, who was having a very difficult daughter met the person she was (heal us, bless us) and so on. If you are in Dr. Sylvia Barack time finding a shidduch for his going to marry! financial trouble, daven for someone in the Fishman daughter.She went on lots of dates, And I know for a fact that every same situation. Feel the pain of another but there was no connection and word of this story is true, because Jew–make their business your business, their 7 both daughter and father felt much I am that father. It occurred to me burden, your burden. And then surely Rabbi Allen frustration. Finally, the father wondered that I had a responsibility to families Hashem will call out to us and embrace us.I if Hashem was trying to tell him something: beyond my own family. What about Rabbi Paysach J. Krohn, a fifth-generation mohel, Schwartz “Why am I so selfish that I only think of myself someone else’s kids? If I am sensitive- is the author of Bris Milah, as well as several 12 and my daughter?” to others,maybe Hashem will help me. other books. He is a renowned speaker well-known for his tapes around the world. KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 2

Opting Out of Orthodoxy: I’d Rather Be Adored Than Ignored by Anonymous ’m a failure. At least that’s what my ’s committing to our careers.We build new lives ever get married but somehow they deny our the Orthodox lifestyle forever; it is just that we Ifriends might say. With hushed voices and with our work colleagues who provide us with religious dissension. Our religious convictions have temporarily shelved it because until we quizzical looks, I am viewed as only half of a a level of comfort and accept us for who we fall to the wayside. Maybe, it was the Day- wed, we do not know how to integrate our person because,“nebach” I am still single.We are. We are viewed as intelligent, ambitious, school system that failed us and never instilled single life with our religious life. Unless of singles were reared to do as our parents and whole individuals who are making an impact within us a true belief system.Maybe,Judaism course we fall in with a non-observant had done, to move from our in the world.At work,it is okay that we are sin- was not meant for singles.Without communi- Jew or a non-Jew in which case, it is possible parents’ home to our own home. But the gle and we begin to embrace that world. ty pressure to keep us in line or report cards that we will be lost forever. movers stopped on the Upper West Side With our newfound acceptance, we from our school rebbe,it can be hard for some And so, with life expectancy on the rise, (UWS) and many of us are still here. integrate fully into society. We have non- individuals to remain observant. women being financially independent and Many of us have a made a nice life for our- observant Jewish associates and non-Jewish people delaying marriage for their real selves. At first the UWS, was just a transient friends whom we join for Thursday night ______“princess” or “prince charming”, many of us place.An apartment that we rented with a few happy hour and sushi. Unattended to by the have 10+ years of independent living without friends for a year or two until we got married Orthodox community and with no parental or Religion is challenging a community structure. was by no means a real home. And then, a rabbinic supervision, sushi becomes salmon in the best of times It is a delicate balance between becoming percentage of our friends did wed and pur- and before you know it, our year in Israel has too comfortable with our single status that we portedly do live “happily ever after” in the gone out the window and we are officially and perhaps insurmountable no longer yearn for our basheret and too ‘burbs. “eating dairy out.”Friday nights are long and in the single times. uncomfortable to remain a part of the com- But the remaining singles are left to make lonely and who will know if we flick on a light ______munity. Social advances and outside influ- new friends and find new people to sit next to switch or even watch TV? Thursday night ences have continuously impacted Jewish life in shul and chat with at kiddush.The number happy hour is so much fun and shul is such a but as a people we have historically been able of shabbos meal invitations decreases and drag, it is only a matter of time before we join It is not that people consciously decide to simultaneously integrate and separate with it, the beauty and comfort of the shabbos our new friends at Friday night happy hour that they don’t want to be religious. But from mainstream society. The growing single environment subsides. and we wonder to ourselves,“what shul?” religion is challenging in the best of times and population that is “opting out” of Orthodoxy Failing in one arena, we flourish in others. It’s a slippery slope and it is years in the perhaps insurmountable in the single times. should be viewed as a “crisis” not because we We build successful futures for ourselves by making. Our parents wonder/worry if we’ll For most of us,it is not that we intend to deny are “failing”to get married but because we are “failing” to uphold our religious convictions and are thereby threatening the future of Ten Questions for Rabbi Moshe Tendler Jewish Orthodoxy. I adapted from End The Madness Symposium February 28, 2004 t what age should children begin programs that care for the sick, like Camp clearly trying to make a rebellious statement, to your kids. Alearning about dating, relationships HASC and the like where young people can most of our dress codes are learned Someone once and marriage? Unfortunately our school meet others who are baalei chesed. behavior patterns and therefore sociological asked Rav curricula do not stress the importance of get- Everything else is just details that usually phenomena. The way someone dresses is not Moshe Feinstein ting married. The concept of marriage has to don’t make sense.Don’t ask whether he wears necessarily a statement about personal piety if it would be be taught in kindergarten, just like eating shoelaces or loafers; or what kind of gefilte or religiosity. better not to be kosher – one has to be taught the necessity of fish they eat; or what sort of tablecloths they True, there exist certain halachic issues involved with balei living kosher. That is not to say that you need use. The process can deteriorate to the point such as hair covering and wearing pants that teshuvah because co-ed events when boys & girls are 14 or 15. of stupid questions that are asked because no ultimately have to be discussed; still, the children were Nevertheless, our educational institutions one knows what to look for anymore. opinions – verbal, or physical – expressed most likely conceived without the must stress the importance of marriage as a during a date are usually not the opinion of going to the mikveh. He answered that surely Jewish lifestyle value even at an early age. ______the person expressing them, but rather the mother went swimming that week,so it is amount to a mouthing of something they possible that they are fine; we need more of How do you find the proper person? There Important decisions in life heard or learned from their community. these kinds of teshuvas in the world we live. exist metaphysical ways to do so: one example Young people are not yet the people they will Who should you turn to for help and is that of R. Nachman of Breslav who writes should not be dependent become. Important decisions in life should that one may uncover his zivug (coupling) advice on shidduchim? Your family – which on externals. not be dependent on externals that are does not necessarily include your teacher. through concentration on the recitation of constantly in flux and are likely to change. “Oz yoshir Moshe,”which speaks of the mira- ______A rebbe,a yeshiva can act in locus parenti for One can even here apply the concept of educational purposes, but personal issues cle of the splitting of the Red Sea. A skeptical tinok shenishbah,a child who grew up outside What criteria are less important, or not such as shidduchim should be discussed with woman asked: “now that creation is finished the community. Someone who grows up in a important at all? A is generally parents. Advice given by Roshei Yeshiva need what does Hashem do?” Chazal answer that shidduch more modern community has different influ- made first by physical attraction – appearance not be honored to the same degree as their Hashem makes shidduchim, but add that it is ences,cultural codes and social groups.Thus, and dress – more than personality traits. explanation of a gemara, or how they teach a as difficult as the splitting of the sea. one must endeavor to make a “benefit burden A is for eternity, a size 8 is not and halacha. They may not be expert to advise in More to the point, one gets married based analysis” to determine where your date may should not be a factor for a marriage that will all areas of human concern,something that is upon merit, based on wanting to be married be flexible: she can wear a little longer dress, last forever: her shape will change, as will reserved for the gadol hador; and sadly, there and not setting standards that are too high to he can learn a little more Torah, etc. These meet. You may have criteria to follow, but yours. Essentials are what you’re looking is no such person today. for – not that which is variable, changeable. issues can be taken care of in the develop- 50 items on your list is neither appropriate mental phase; one should not declare people When should you discuss family medical nor realistic; you just need a few. Moreover, dress is just a flag that you fly: histories and potential genetic problems? it determines the group with which you unsuitable because of a behavior pattern that What, then, are the important things to doesn’t speak to the individual person but to On the question of integrity, the only issue is identify, but it is not as important as people when to tell, not whether to tell. Today people look for? The chief concern in shidduchim is make it in terms of a personal or individual the society in which they grew up. to seek out baalei chessed, people whose have a greater openness about serious things, indication of character. In the world that we What should be considered in terms of the and are right to share problems and issues priority is to help and take care of others. In live in today people ask,“how long should the potential date’s family? You should try to marriage it is critical that the take with their future spouses. However, these dress be?” Above the knee? Below? This is all find a family that is committed to a halachic need not be discussed on the first date. care of each other and at some point their personal style. Unlike a boy who wears a lifestyle; you need to know that the family children. I can’t say enough about summer backward baseball cap on the first date who is is willing to present a halachic household continues on next page... KOL:2 KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 3

The Challenges of Online Dating by Nancy Karan, C.S.W. ES oday there are several Jewish websites to one when there could be someone better One needs to have a good sense of self respond to messages B HERT... Twhere singles around the world can becomes symptomatic of the epidemic. when dating via the internet. There is more for weeks at a time. connect with one another. Whether one is Another issue that arises in internet dating rejection than not, much of which comes in Individuals who have unaffiliated or yeshiva educated, he or she is that individuals may misrepresent both the way of no response. Whether initiated by difficulty with rejec- now has immediate access to singles with how they really appear in person and what man, woman, or matchmaker, there is no tion may find similar religious ideologies and practices. their motivations are. When dealing with a guarantee that an individual will be interest- that internet Frumster, FutureSimchas,JDate and SawYouAt website where no one is officially doing the ed in the person writing to them,or even that dating is not Sinai, offer Jewish singles an opportunity to setting up,pictures are not always accurate or they will answer your email. for them. “shop” for a mate and empower them to honest. One can feel disappointed and even ______For those who have not yet had success on choose who they want to date. More signifi- angry when meeting someone who looks Jewish dating websites,sometimes patience is cantly, they no longer have to wait for their nothing like their online photo. Singles need to realize a virtue. Hundreds of singles have met their friends or to set them up. When relying on a profile, there is always that finding one’s beshert life partners on the internet,while others have Nevertheless, the sites are not perfect. room for embellishment and therefore, given up after a few months without success. While it may seem that one’s bashert is just a heightened expectations. It is somewhat does not mean finding Singles need to realize that finding one’s mouse click away, online dating may be even paradoxical that one would have a profile on a perfect partner. beshert does not mean finding a perfect more complex than offline dating. As the a dating website, and yet not really be ready partner. A relationship is about giving of opportunities to meet people increase, so too to settle down. A person who is not calling ______oneself and helping the other to be a better may the opportunities for rejection. When right away,or who prefers to exchange emails There are many reasons why this happens. person. Despite the challenges, sites that one is choosing from such a large pool it can regularly for weeks before making a date may One man I spoke with said that although he introduce an intermediary may help by seem daunting and therefore cause one to feel actually be ambivalent about meeting some- wanted to get together with someone he liked, assessing one’s level of commitment and/or disinclined to go through the weeding one. It may be more important for him or her he held onto her phone number until it was too providing coaching. Internet dating is simply process. One woman, Erica, shared that when to know singles are out there than to actually late. He had been waiting for things to slow a way to meet someone, a mere introduction. her profile was “aired” for the first time on take themselves out of the single pool by down at work and they never did. Too much It takes risk, vulnerability and communica- one of the sites, she received 70 responses settling down. The internet, then, becomes a time had passed and she met someone else. tion to take that introduction to another level on the first day. One of the pitfalls of having vehicle in which to meet people, but not Individuals need to know that if people aren’t and as of yet there is no website for that. I so many singles available is that committing necessarily for the purpose of marriage. calling, it may have nothing to do with them. Nancy Karan, CSW is a shadchan for sawyouatsinai.com Some people are also trying to meet someone She has a private practice in Manhattan & Long Island. through other means and may not check or She can be reached at 516-223-9283 Ten Questions continued What would constitute a serious genetic ding, it’s a different story! Also, the idea that problem that should be discussed? This everything goes through the shadchan is by Anonymous question is not necessarily for rabbis to crazy. The matchmaker can be helpful at cer- A Mother’s Prayer answer: we do not get medical advice from tain stages to help things advance,but if a boy hen my daughter was born,I prayed for their infertility as a punishment or abandon- rabbanim. My suggestion would be to have likes a girl he should tell her so, and not have Wher. I prayed for her health and ment from Hashem. So if having children is the family doctors of the couple talk to each to tell his parents who tell the shadchan and happiness.Happiness that included her future this great gift,what do we say to those who are other in professional confidence to determine so on. marriage and children. How could I not? single and childless? Should we encourage basic health and illness essentials and com- One of the advantages of the shidduch sys- I wanted her to be happy and I understood them to entertain single parenthood? I want patibility.This way,if there is a problem it will tem though is that facilitating the first meet- that in terms of my own life, culture and my daughter to feel the complex joys of birth be faced right away; and if it is not a serious ing is always difficult without third-party context. So now that she remains single, what and nursing, of holding a tiny trusting hand, medical or health issue, it will not eliminate involvement. We certainly need more events do I do? How do I show my love and concern of lunch boxes and car pools, of a child’s first someone as a potential shidduch.Doctors like the ones run by End The Madness for sin- without repudiating her life? How do I deal dates and love. alone will decide whether the person is gle men and women to meet and have oppor- with my pain and not overshadow or assume So, like many of my friends, I am in a unmarriageable due to a medical condition. tunities to socialize. People don’t meet in the hers? How do I implement our relationship? quandary.I want to stay close with her,but our Any dating suggestions for those of us library anymore and when they do,they don’t So many questions and no easy answers. experiences are so different now.I do not want who have yet to get married? Today dating know how or if to speak to each other. How I live in a world of marriage and children. to nudge her, or appear too concerned. I do is a game; I don’t have much experience with can boys and girls meet in appropriate set- As far as I am concerned this is the good life, not want to open her own wounds by asking it. I was introduced to my wife at a Young tings? It shouldn’t take much ingenuity to a life of companionship and creativity.It is not about her loneliness.But I do wonder how she Israel lecture and then met her occasionally work out the problem; men and women sat the only life, but it surely has been good to me feels. I want to be there for her but have no at the local public library where people went together at my , singles sat six to a and to my understanding of our civilization. cartography of how to accomplish that.When to study or learn Torah when their Lower East table and my wife and I tried to think of who It is clearly a Jewish value: a biblical blessing. my other children come home with their fam- Side apartments became too cramped! I say should sit with whom. We can’t deny every If Hashem blesses us with this potential, how ilies, how can I/we make her feel comfortable? it’s a game because you do not reveal your opportunity for social mixing, so this prob- can we accommodate to its absence? I have Questions can be so invasive: Who are you true personality until later. Dates provide lit- lem shouldn’t be too difficult to fix – our worked with many cases and I know seeing? Do you want to go out with a friend of tle opportunity to do more than get a general yeshiva has a prime responsibility to fix it. full well that the system and the people in that a friend? Why aren’t you married? What do impression that things are okay,to get a sense Any last thoughts or advice? My father-in-law, system do not always live up to these ideals. you do by yourself? Yet not asking questions of the other person.You can’t know who they Rav Moshe Feinstein, z”l was once asked for But the potential for human happiness seems might seem insensitive or uncaring. We care really are until you’re married for some time. advice on dating, and his answer was that you to me to be bound up with the companionship and love her. Today the shidduch system does not seem shouldn’t try to be too smart. Don’t “test your of marriage. And now my daughter is not Most importantly, I want her to want to to be working.What can we do about it? The date”because it won’t help.Your only guarantee married. So how do we as a family and a come home to be with the family.I want her to shidduch system does add some rigidity to the of success is “Tamim tihiyeh im Hashem community deal with that? Specifically, how feel accepted and part of the family. Pesach Elokecha,” have faith in Hashem that He will do I as a mother handle it? and Shabbat are times for intensive family get- process though that is not necessarily the fault I of the shadchan who has only one job – to get advise you. Additionally, how do I/we deal with the together and family life is stressed. I never the boy and girl together; the rest is up to you. absence of children/grandchildren. The goal want her to feel ostracized or marginalized. Some of the new “rules” that the system Rabbi Dr. Moshe Tendler of the Community of procreation is not simply about numbers or I want her to be happy.I pray for it even if I no Synagogue of Monsey, NY,is a Rosh Yeshiva at population growth. Having children is also a longer know what will make her happy. I has generated are not helpful. For example, Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary and a the idea that you can only go out with one boy professor of biology at Yeshiva College. blessing from God. In the biblical stories of or girl at a time is nonsense; after the wed- infertile women, the women themselves saw KOL: 3 KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 4

Home for the (Jewish) Holidays by Michele Herenstein feeling of trepidation takes hold of my not look forward to being with my family and really listen to me, and have things in would surely ease the Aheart. The Jewish holidays are upon us during the holidays. I don’t look forward to common with me.I want to enjoy my own lit- loneliness I feel. They again, and as a 30-something single in a having to put on a happy face, when cheerful tle boy and girl.” would probably be family of all married , I’m feeling is the last thing I feel. I don’t look forward to Sitting in synagogue on Rosh Hashana, feeling some of the anxiety and pain. I should be excited, as I get the questions my nieces invariably ask when I have tears in my eyes, because another year same emotions as I to spend two days with my parents, brothers, wanting to know why I am not yet married. has past, and I’m still alone. And being with am,and we could support each sisters-in-law and their kids. However, for It is as if an important part of me is miss- my family only makes it worse. Seeing the other, just by sharing these times together. I weeks before a holiday arrives, I experience ing. I watch the loving eye contact between happiness among my family members and would have someone to laugh with when my apprehension that grows exponentially as my siblings and their spouses,the hand hold- knowing it’s due to the one thing I don’t have, nieces asked their probing questions, some- each holiday draws closer. ing under the table as we eat the holiday a loving and children,makes my heart one to roll my eyes at when my siblings were Please don’t get me wrong. I love my fami- meals, and the cheerful chattering of my ache.Jewish holidays are times when families acting mushy and I was feeling vulnerable, ly very much. I’ve always gotten along with nieces and nephews. I listen to talk of the come together. But I don’t have my own fam- and someone who would be going through my siblings and their spouses, I love my kids’ baseball leagues, dance lessons, and ily yet. And this point is driven home to me what I was going through and could relate. nieces and nephews like crazy,and I’ve always where the next family get-together should be very clearly every time I’m with my siblings ______considered my family to be closer than most. held. Someone tries to pull me into the con- for the holidays. The idea of being with them should ease the versation every once in a while, but I don’t I sit at the meals wishing there was some- Having another single pain of being single and alone, and should really have anything to add. I feel separated one who could understand what I’m going around for the holidays ease the sense of loneliness I feel,being single from what is going on. What I really want to through and I’ve come up with what I think is would make me feel less alone. among married couples. say aloud is “What about me? I want someone a really good idea. If there were one or more Hence, my feelings of guilt because I do to talk to, to love, who will understand me, singles sitting at the meals with me, this ______There are always some singles who have nowhere to go for the holidays, because their families aren’t observant,or perhaps they live Ten Commandments for Married People too far away. If these singles were invited for the Jewish holidays by families like mine, by Michael Feldstein where there is one single among many re you married, but looking to do shared with you. Don’t assume someone table of singles at a wedding. No less a married couples, this could have multiple Asomething constructive for your single is available and interested before check- Torah scholar than Rav Aharon benefits. First and foremost, it would be a friends? Below are ten things married cou- ing first. And once you’ve suggested a Soloveichik met his future spouse at a tremendous mitzvah (good deed) on the part ples can easily accomplish within their com- potential date to a person, and he or she wedding with mixed seating. Countless of the families doing the inviting. It would munities, which will enhance the lives of is interested, make sure to follow up and more shidduchim can be made if we also alleviate some of the pain that the singles their single counterparts and lead to more not leave the person hanging. encourage this practice. feel at being the only one who is single. singles meeting one another and getting 5 Include single members of your 9 Create normal, healthy social activi- Personally, having another single around for married: community in the planning and devel- ties for singles. Put together a planning the holidays would make me feel less alone, and more open to enjoying my family’s com- 1 Stay in contact with your single opment of your shul. If they deserve to committee consisting of both singles be honored at a dinner, don’t exclude and married people from your shul. pany,without the added burden of loneliness. friends after you get married. Many Before the holidays wrap up for the year, singles feel abandoned by their friends them simply because they are single. Organize social events for singles, such There’s also no halacha that a gabbai or a as an arts festival or a chessed (volun- I wish to call out to families who have singles once they get married. Call them occa- in their midst. I wish to tell them that we, the president of a shul has to be married. teering) project, which allow singles to sionally and find out about what’s going singles, are lonely, and need help this time of on in their lives. Take an interest in what 6 Invite singles to your Shabbat meals. interact with each other without the pro- year, help that could come from having other interests them.Ask them for advice, and This is a great way for singles to meet gram feeling like a typical singles event. singles around. So please, this year when we share your joys with them. Invite them each other in a normal and non- 10 Empower singles that you know to are all trying to make changes, do something over for a Shabbat weekend. They will pressurized environment. In fact, there is arrange their own dates, rather than new, something good, and invite singles to appreciate the contact–and feel better at least one community (Baltimore) rely only on dates through third-parties your tables and to your homes on Yom Tov. about themselves. where this program is more formalized or shadchans. There is still no better You will warm others’hearts,and maybe even 2 Be supportive. Instead of simply giving and singles can sign up to be placed at the method to finding a mate than singles your own. I advice, listen to what your single friends homes of married couples who have vol- meeting informally. Singles must Michele Herenstein is a freelance journalist are saying. Show them that you care. unteered to host a meal. Plan a different become more proactive in their search working in NY: [email protected] This, in turn, will lead many of your sin- kind of singles Shabbaton, where 40-50 for a spouse, and married individuals gle friends to share details about their singles can spend Shabbat weekend in can encourage them to get more lives with you, without making it seem your community,and various couples can involved in different kinds of activities, The Answer Is... like you are prying into their business. host 6-8 singles each for Shabbat meals. which will increase their chance of find- question lurking behind these articles, 7 ing a shidduch on their own. 3 Avoid making judgments about cur- Don’t give in to pressure to conform. Ararely addressed directly,is the perplexing rent relationships in which your If someone asks you a question that has Ultimately, the ability for more Orthodox one of why so many young Jewish men and single friends may be involved. If you no bearing on a potential shidduch, don’t Jewish singles to get married will fall on the women are single despite the significant are specifically asked by your single answer it–make it clear that you refuse to shoulders of singles themselves. However, burdens that status places upon them. The friend about a person they are seeing, be participate in such silly behavior. Avoid if we can mobilize the efforts of those who Orthodox Caucus hopes that you the reader honest and forthcoming about how you the labeling that has become so common are already happily married, and get more will weigh in on the issue; Rabbi Gidon feel, without being judgmental. If they in the Orthodox community, and treas- people in our community involved in Rothstein argues that to some extent the don’t ask,keep your thoughts to yourself. ure the rich diversity within our ranks. helping singles, we can create many more singles simply reflect a broader social phenom- 8 Encourage mixed seating at wed- – and greatly alleviate the singles enon exemplified by the divorce rate and the 4 Give thought to setting up singles. problem. I Don’t suggest a date simply because two dings. Speak to your rabbi about mak- frequency with which Orthodox synagogues people are the same age, or because ing this standard practice for any mar- Michael Feldstein works as a marketing are firing their rabbis. To read his essay in full someone asks you whether you know a riage he performs. There are few better professional in Stamford, CT. He serves on and/or share your thoughts, log on to: good guy. Get to know singles personal- ways for large groups of singles to get to the board of Edah and the Halachic Organ Donor www.orthosingles.org know each other in a comfortable and Society, and is active in helping Orthodox Jewish Gidon Rothstein has served in rabbinic positions at ly, rather than them like index singles as a volunteer for EndtheMadness. cards. Respect confidential information natural environment than at a mixed the Jewish Center and the Riverdale Jewish Center, and is currently Rosh Kollel at HAFTR’s Community KOL: 4 Kollel. He can be reached at [email protected] KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 5

SDJM: Single Divorced Jewish Mother by Shoshana Bulow, CSW year after my divorce, a friend’s mother me harshly.I certainly did not expect my sex- Because unlike the way in which we may eliminate the shame that often accompanies Aasked her son of he’d consider dating ual orientation to be questioned by a former (often erroneously) perceive a birth,illness or having to ask for help. me. There I was, eight years his senior, friend,stating that she could not imagine any death as a one-time event, divorce – when Single parents often feel discomfort in divorced,and the mother of three young chil- other reason I would leave my marriage. there are children involved – is a life-long going to school, synagogue and social dren.“Are you sure she’s Jewish?”I asked him. ______process. functions alone, and many times will opt not Unfortunately my question was not Countless ongoing challenges face the to attend. To offset this we should have single groundless. That kind of openness is not Don’t be surprised divorced family for years beyond the initial parent events as part of our synagogue social representative of the general reaction in the if you feel ostracized, separation. Perhaps the biggest issue is that functions. A woman who was organizing a Orthodox community to divorce and single of co-parenting, or, all too often, trying to singles’ Shabbat event in my area several parent families. Despite our growing num- it’s not about you. cope as a single parent when the other parent years ago sheepishly told me that I had pur- bers, the more common reaction is one of ______ceases to fulfill his or her parental responsi- posely not been informed of the gathering. discomfort and inattention, making families bilities. There are the unremitting financial “There will be kohanim there,” she said, feel marginalized at a time when they most I was forewarned about what to expect as a difficulties of divorce,as well as,for some,the “so we did not invite divorced women.” need to feel embraced. Many would prefer to divorced woman in the broader Orthodox chronic logistics of helping children navigate Somehow, the prohibition of a kohen marry- think that divorce does not happen in our community by my friends’ experiences with between two households. There is the ing a divorcee got translated into excluding community, and when it does, that it can be divorce in their own families. “Don’t be complexity of helping children maintain and divorced women from the singles’ event list, dealt with privately.Some rabbis say they are surprised if you feel ostracized, it’s not about nurture a relationship with their other even though many of the men in attendance ill at ease when dealing with divorcing con- you.”But as my ex- received Shabbat parent, despite one’s own oftentimes negative would not be kohanim. gregants. Of course this cannot be an excuse invitations and I did not, I could not help but feelings and experiences with their ex- Our schools can do a better job of being any more than would shying away from wonder why. Did they perceive him as spouse. There is the logistical and emotional sensitive to divorced families. They should funerals, shiva homes, or hospital visits helpless? Had they taken on the anger he had balancing act of continuing to be a responsi- provide teachers with in-service trainings would be acceptable. However, it is not only for me? Or, perhaps, unlike my perceived ble parent while also dating. about handling difficult issues that arise in rabbis who can make a difference; anyone diminished value as a newly single, divorced On a community level, there is the issue of families. Teachers need to be trained to use can promote change in this area, creating a mother with three young children, my ex- children in shul who must sit by themselves more sensitive language,as even benign com- more empathic,sensitive and inclusive mind- husband was re-entering the singles pool as on the other side of the mechitza, or,who may ments and requests (for example, “both of set within the Jewish community. an eligible bachelor, a desirable commodity prefer not to enter shul at all rather than sit your parents should sign your homework”) The overall picture of my life post-divorce on the shidduch market? alone. This could be easily remedied by can be emotionally laden for a child.Similarly, is a good one. In the nine years since my The story is a recurrent one. The divorced organizing informal Big Sister/Big Brother children of divorced parents should not be separation, I feel gratified to have three won- mother feels left out, marginalized, only programs in our synagogues where people listed twice on the class list, as many schools derful children who, for all the challenges of conditionally accepted. Theories about why can volunteer to be on the lookout for the still do. Additionally, schools can increase having raised them as a single parent, have this is so abound. There are those who feel child of a divorced or widowed parent, and their sensitivity to the single parent body by been my primary source of happiness and that the divorced woman presents a threat, invite the child to sit with him or her in shul. recognizing that they often do not have the pride. I have been blessed with supportive either as a newly single woman, or as Similarly, on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, same financial or time resources as two- parents and extraordinary friends who make someone who has made the choice to end children sitting alone should be given priority parent families. the tapestry of our lives so much richer. her marriage. She may prompt thoughts of by those responsible for seating arrangements The Orthodox community has begun to Professionally,I have developed a meaningful leaving in others who may and should be placed near friends rather than take important steps in giving voice to the career. Personally, I have learned about my privately be having just given a leftover seat. issues faced by single parent households in resilience and resourcefulness as well as problems of their Our community’s lack of awareness our community. But having a voice is a about my vulnerabilities. Even in difficult own. There are is manifest in the failure of most syn- two-sided equation: it is dependent both on moments, I have found solace knowing that still others who agogues to have single parent mem- an individual’s self-expression, and on the the place I return to is one of optimism, feel that the bership categories. Most synagogues listener’s openness to hearing what is being connection, and promise. marginalization would gladly offer reduced membership said. It must not be left solely to those who Yet, raising children as a single parent in has to do with social rates to anyone in need, but the fact is that face challenge or adversity to express their the Jewish community has not been easy. connections: financially, politically, most single parents do not have the same voice. It is the community’s responsibility to When I first separated, some close friends and socially, the single mother often has less financial means as two-parent households. witness, listen and respond. I helped me get through that difficult period, power, less to offer in terms of social Maintaining a household within the Jewish but the larger community chose to hang advancement. community is quite costly: single mothers are Shoshana Bulow, CSW, is a psychotherapist in back. Many women who I would bump into My children also felt this discomfort. already likely to be requesting aid for school, New York City and Riverdale, NY. This article was in the neighborhood would whisper to me During the early months of our separation, camp, and other activities that are the norm based on a talk she gave at a JOFA conference, that they admired my courage, that they their teachers were uncomfortable broaching for many families. A single-parent member- February 2004. Comments may be addressed wished they had half my strength. the issue of divorce, even though they clearly ship category in our synagogues would both to her at [email protected] But for the most part, the same people in cared that the children were going through a acknowledge their financial situation and difficult time. I worried that the teachers’ ______silence could make my children feel ashamed of what was happening, and/or that they had Raising children as a to keep their pain a secret. So I pushed their www.ocweb.org single parent in the Jewish teachers to talk to them, and even suggested words they could use. And while some teach- – Visit our website to see what else the Orthodox Caucus does – community has not been easy. ers were better able to manage these difficult ______conversations, the sad fact was that they I Guide to Israel One Year Programs: Essential information from received no professional guidance. schools; and featuring Alumni Speak and Parents Handbook our Cleveland community who six years Understandably, people may feel torn earlier were vying to invite the new rabbi’s between respecting privacy and appearing I Prenuptial Agreement: Download our user-friendly form for FREE family to their homes for a Shabbat meal indifferent to the divorced parent. But as the were now keeping their distance. Naively, number of single-parent families in our I Coming Soon...Torah Currents Online Journal: An open forum I did not anticipate the impact my divorce community increases, the need to become for discussion, ideas and questions would have on certain , nor did I aware of the day-to-day realities of these anticipate that any of my friends would judge households becomes even more pressing. KOL: 5 KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 6

Is Any Marriage Better Than No Marriage? by Deborah Mark t’s no accident that many of the do’s and the byword of Jewish life. Status was achiev- beautiful, spacious home, nice cars, a variety us from intimacy... Idon’ts of dating today would seem more able through various means, not just through of stylish clothes and accessories, a lavish is that we’re afraid familiar to a couple’s great-grandparents wealth. Getting by was acceptable, inevitable. bris, wedding and bar and bat mitzvahs. And people will see our than to their own parents. Serendipity is out. There were also discreet outlets. People have the ability, of course, to be ba’alei stuff.And yet it’s so Shadchans and are in. worked six days a week. Men often left home tzedakah (philanthropic). much better when One of the payoffs of traditions and rules is for weeks at a time to earn a living or to learn In this context, it’s no wonder that people we can be in it supposed to be a sense of certainty and at a distant yeshiva. Men sometimes left are placing a market value on themselves and together, when we security. But even as they date and decide, women for years in order to start a life on potential spouses. Should you settle? The can be honest. many young people are nagging themselves elsewhere before sending for the family. questions reflect alternating fears that the best It opens doors to with doubts: Is any marriage better than no Women often received emotional sustenance opportunity may have passed you by, or, the redemption and to letting light shine in on marriage? Should I settle? from each other. fear that you could do better.There is a lurking some dark places.” Old world methods–encouraging marriages Many of the modern pressures and expec- sense of entitlement on the one hand, and a This same woman,someone who knowing- based on external notions of compatibility – tations were unthinkable one hundred years fear of being judged on the other. The capital- ly married a man who had a life-threatening ‘worked’ for Tevye, Golde, and thousands like ago. Today’s marriages demand more emo- istic model has permeated our consciousness. illness, offers another perspective: “You’re not them. They didn’t look for fireworks; love and tional intimacy, negotiation, conversation It’s like real estate: how high is high? Or, in the choosing a particular future when you decide affection would come with time. It often did. and stimulation than was ever expected stock market, when do you know to cash in? to get married; you’re choosing a partner for How have we changed? between the traditional husband and wife. Will tomorrow bring a better offer? whatever the future brings. And you’re choos- For centuries, roles for and American Orthodox life also evolved. It’s long been a custom at the Stern College ing to look upon a potential marriage partner were clearly delineated.Women didn’t travel to It now presents itself as a lifestyle of having it dormitory that whenever a resident is as the person that, no matter what happens, learn Torah and to acquire their own hashkafa. all and having it all sooner: the best educa- engaged to marry, her friends decorate the I want to do this together with you... You’re Men weren’t disqualified by their lack of tion and careers, optimum looks, gourmet door to her suite with rings and symbols of always going to be hit by curve balls and even ambition or physical bearing; women weren’t kosher restaurants, opportunities for learn- the chatan’s (groom’s) profession. By the end the things that you expect are always going to expected to look like a sylph after several ing, annual vacations, multiple trips to Israel, of the term,walking through those halls,there be more challenging when they arrive than pregnancies. Material consumption was not yeshiva educations and camps for children, a is the inescapable suggestion of mezuzot and what you had imagined.” mashkof al ha-batim’ (the marking of the It is precisely because marriage is a central doorposts before the exodus from Egypt), value and the basis for family and Jewish indicating who is ‘protected’ and who is not. continuity, that we each have a stake in mak- What It Means to be Single It’s understandable too, if young people are ing it more likely for others to get it right. We eager to be engaged. Being engaged is a pub- can make room for multiple opportunities for on the Upper West Side by Anonymous lic, affirming, communal experience. You are young people to get to know and be comfort- celebrated, feted and blessed by all. From that able with one another. The human costs for d like to describe what it’s like to be a frum one sentence: They’re both single. It would be time forward, a significant amount of time, the mistakes are incalculable. As is, divorce Isingle living on the West Side in your 30s: nice for more thought to go into it than that. money and attention is spent on the details of rates are up,there are agunot (women without It means: always having to be ‘on.’ It’s like It means: dealing with my family. I love my the wedding itself. The anticipation of being a get) among us and in the every Shabbos is a Shabbaton: you go to shul, siblings, I truly do. And I am very happy for the center of attention at the party of a life- Orthodox community is estimated at rates of in part for the davening, but also for the each of them and how their lives have pro- time can be seductive in itself.You are relieved 15-20%, equal to the population at large. socializing.Everyone dressed to kill,everyone gressed.But it gets harder and harder to go to of the uncertainties and loneliness of single ______busy looking over their shoulder to see who family and be the only single one life. That and the positive reinforcement of else they could be speaking to. there. There are times that my feelings over- family and friends make it easy to gloss over ...being the last person in your potential problems in the relationship. It means: going to singles events you really whelm me and I have to actually leave the crowd to marry will have no don’t want to go to because, you never know. room. And as cute and innocent as the kids Yet, after the last sheva brachos,you’re on This might just be the event that ‘he’ is at or are, the questions about why I’m not married your own. Marriage, by contrast is a most bearing on the quality of your maybe someone who knows someone for you are difficult.They don’t understand,and quite private experience. In fact, it’s easy to get the married life, if you end up with is there.So you get all dressed up,do your hair frankly, neither do I. impression that all the unhappiness resides the one who is right for you. and makeup and put on a great big smile even It means: spending money.An evening event with those who are single, that perhaps any ______though all you want to do is cry. Then you go can range in price from $5 to $100 while a marriage is preferable to being alone, for it is to an event where: weekend event can range from $300 and up. the problems of singles that are most openly discussed. It would help if, instead of adding to the I you invariably end up seeing the same And that of course does not include the trans- portation costs.Or the clothes.And then there It is natural, too, for young people on the pressure, people and institutions make single people you saw at the last event. verge of marriage to imagine the fulfillment people feel welcome enough so they can I it quickly becomes apparent that are shadchans who expect $1,800 from both you and the chasan (groom) if they are suc- of hopes and dreams rather than anticipate proceed at their own pace,in as many ways as even though the event organizers the complexities that accumulate with living can be made available to them, to meet gave a specific age range as well as a cessful in finding you a match since they fig- religious range for the people coming, ure you or your parents would surely pay any- a long life.A partner’s vulnerability is proba- someone. It would help also to reinforce what you see that many people do not fit thing to have you married. bly not high on anyone’s dating checklist. married people know – that in the end, being into either category. What message is conveyed about dating the last person in your crowd to marry will It means: being amazingly lonely. When I you have to keep yourself from count- and marriage when more families are alter- have no bearing on the quality of your ing how many ‘exes’ are in the room. you’re younger you have lots of friends. Then ing their lives based on what they hope will married life,if you end up with the one who is slowly,they all get married and somehow you I you go up and try to charm the lead to ‘proper’ future shidduchim for their right for you. hostesses because maybe they’ll still manage to be single. You don’t replace children? When the fear of ‘ruining’ a future Perhaps it was a response to the anarchy of know someone for you. those friends by investing the time and effort shidduch translates into years of avoiding the today’s secular mores,but along the way,have It means: having to listen to people tell you, into a establishing a new set of single friends perception of deviance or veering from the our young people lost some of the viable “What’s one date, what could it hurt?” when because, how much longer will you be single norm? With this trend, categories of alternatives for dating and marriage that they have no idea how much it can and does anyway and once you’re married you’ll estab- ‘deviance’ and ‘defect’ have broadened. Is it in worked for so many for so long? They and the hurt. People think they are doing you a favor lish new “couple” friends. our interest as a community to cultivate a modern Orthodox community should not but the truth is that all of the thought that What does it all mean? I share this with lack of authenticity, less acceptance of vul- settle for less. I went into deciding if these two people are you, not to gain your sympathy, or even your nerability or limited respect for differences of appropriate for one another came down to empathy, but simply to provide a first-hand opinion and experience? Deborah Mark, an attorney, is a freelance writer and account of what the singles scene is really like The paradox is that, as one married co-editor of Two Jews, Three Opinions: A Collection of Twentieth-Century Jewish Quotations KOL: 6 from someone who is still in it. I woman wrote, “One of the things that keeps (Perigee 2000). KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 7

Dating a Commodity: An Accountant’s Eye for Marriage by Dr. Sylvia Barack Fishman abbinical Judaism and societies based on members. Some otherwise “modern” Orthodox singles – continue to be suspicious countercultural approach, in which boys and Rhalachic precepts have what sociologists Orthodox Jewish parents urge “a complete and remain unmarried. Taught to avoid girls are educated by their parents,their teach- call a “bias” toward marriage. From the genetic workup” before their children’s involvements without a guarantee of health, ers, and their community to regard each other moment that week-old infants are officially relationships proceed to commitment. financial solvency, and eternally shared with empathy, humanity, and menshlechkeit, blessed that they grow up to marry, Jewish c. And more than one relationship has values and lifestyles, singles see quite well rather than as purchasable entities. tradition urges all adult Jews to conduct their foundered over financial negotiations that no relationship comes with a guarantee Orthodoxy gives us a head start in resisting lives in a married state. On a practical level, between sets of parents prior to the and consciously or unconsciously avoid this negative cultural trend, because our most historical Jewish societies have encour- wedding. serious involvements. plethora of ritual and social laws has given us aged marriage with ‘carrots’ – communal Fostered both by secular American con- plenty of practice in being countercultural. celebration of and support for the newlyweds Interestingly, the fear of unwise commit- sumerism and by some aspects of shadchones Orthodox communities can only be enhanced – and ‘sticks’– communal mistrust of ments these mercantile evaluations represent and historical arranged marriages, commod- by increased humanity, both in the way we unmarried adults, especially of unmarried derive not only from the historical Jewish ification impoverishes relationships and treat the singles among us, and in the way we men.As a result,unmarried Jews have seldom pattern of shadchones and arranged mar- has set many a promising off educate the children who will face singleness found a comfortable niche in traditional riages, but also from consumerism and con- course. Along with toxic portrayals of or marriage tomorrow. I temporary Western values. Jewish women in television, film and communities. Dr. Sylvia Barack Fishman is Associate Professor of One has only to look at contemporary As the popular HBO series Sex and the popular culture, I believe commodi- City famously illustrates,secular Western Contemporary Jewish Life in the Near Eastern and Orthodox communities today,or to read Tova fication bears significant responsi- Judaic Studies Department, and Codirector of the Mirvis’ touching new novel, The Outside singles also are terrified of getting bility for the attenuated singlehood Hadassah International Research Institute on Jewish World, to see that Orthodox communal stuck with the wrong person. Like of many Jews. Women, both at Brandeis University. She has also preferences for married rather than single Orthodox Jews, they approach relation- The Orthodox community faces an written several books and has published dozens of lifestyles have not diminished. Indeed, in ships with a list of desirable and unde- extraordinary challenge of creating a articles on American Jewish life and literature. many communities an obsession with sirable attributes. Additionally, Jewish men marriage has been ratcheted up to fever and women sometimes look at each other pitch. Young women in particular are often with distorted perceptions; many are by Rabbi David Aaron influenced by negative depictions of Jews, Singled Out? made to feel that they are damaged goods if ot too long ago I was invited to speak at someone more beautiful, more intelligent, or they have not married – and married well – particularly Jewish women, in television and movies. When men and women approach Na singles event.When I arrived, I noticed more successful. But when you look at some- by their early twenties. that most of the people had a strange nervous one on the inside, when you look at their true Despite the historical Jewish bias and each other as potential purchases to be appraised,both among Orthodox and secular tick, a kind of head bobbing. After a while self – their soul – you will never find anyone current communal pressure toward marriage, I started to notice that the tick was not who can compare. And if you let people see ironically, proportions of singles in contem- Jews, an obsession with getting the best “deal”in bargaining for a high-quality spouse consistent among all the participants: some your soul then they will never find anyone porary Jewish communities have reached who can compare to you. creates an environment in which there is little bobbed their heads quickly up and down, unprecedented levels.[See Survey Says, page 1] while other’s bobbed in a long drawn out way. In the realm of the soul no two people are Orthodox communities today face the dual tolerance for human imperfections – and alike. Jewish Mysticism teaches that the soul, little room for spontaneity or . Finally I realized that it was not a nervous tick challenges of: at all, but the participants were eyeing each your true I,is none other than a spark of God, 1. trying to understand the reasons for this ______other up and down. and therefore you are absolutely unique and increase in singleness within observant During my presentation, I asked the incomparable. And when you relate as a soul communities; and When men and women participants to write a list of what they were to another soul your true self radiates a warm 2. creating communal policies in response. looking for in a future partner. I then asked and brilliant divine light.Your true individu- approach each other as potential ality shines out. Virtually universal levels of college for volunteers to share their list with the crowd. People anxiously put up their hands Jewish Mysticism teaches that souls are education and careerism are often cited as purchases to be appraised... really only interested in and attracted to the primary reasons for delayed marriage hoping that by the end of their reading some [it] creates an environment in other lonely soul would call out, “Yoo-hoo, souls. The only thing that attracts one person and non-marriage. However, an equally sig- here I am.” to another is actually not a ‘thing’ at all. It is nificant but seldom-discussed contributing which there is little tolerance So my first volunteer got up, and nervous- the spiritual,the essence,the divine–the ‘you’. factor is the commodification of potential for human imperfections... ly read: “I am looking for someone who is The more that you can reveal yourself as a marriage partners, and human relationships ______warm, soft, calm...” At that point someone soul, the easier it will be to find your soul in general. In many Orthodox communities rudely called out: “Get the guy a cat.” The mate. But we tend to behave in ways that get today, potential spouses are coldly evaluated crowd burst into laughter. Not exactly a love- in the way of letting our soul shine out. by more than one party, including the young Not enough attention has been paid to the your-neighbor-as-yourself scene. After that ______man or woman, his or her family, and some- wider sociological implications of the com- all the volunteers’ hands quickly went down. times an intermediary playing the role of modification of marriage.Realistic evaluation After the presentation,I had a very uncom- If you let people see your soul shadchan – even before a first date. The of potential romantic and marriage partners fortable conversation with a woman who was then they will never find anyone potential date/spouse can be deemed is certainly an important skill, and is also a “dressed to kill,” as the saying goes. More inappropriate on a variety of bases, such as wholesome reaction against the naïveté with specifically, she was undressed to kill, and I who can compare to you. (a) religiosity, (b) familial medical history, which unsuitable persons have sometimes doubt she understood why I talked to her ______and (c) financial resources. been shackled together. This is particularly with my head turned sideways. This woman a. Levels of religiosity are minutely calibrat- true in the Orthodox community, where the was very annoyed by the singles event. “You When people have lists of characteristics ed: If a girl herself or one of her family situation of agunot (women without a get) know, rabbi,” she sighed, “I am so sick and they are seeking in a mate, they will always members, for example, has been in any who cannot win release from their failed tired of men looking at me like a piece of be able to find someone funnier, smarter or marriages is unfortunately still a bitterly meat.” I thought but did not say, “So why do more beautiful. These lists can be counter way associated with a woman’s tefillah productive and misleading because they are group or other aspects of Orthodox unsolved problem. you dress like that?”What I did say was,“You Nevertheless, the widespread habit of know what happens at these singles events? only describing a persona, and not a soul. The feminism,she may find herself on a black question is: are you looking for a persona list even for putatively “centrist” young evaluating single men and women with an Everybody is looking for more. If they are looking for an attractive person, they will partner or a soul mate? I Orthodox men attending universities. On accountant’s eye as marital merchandise is both demoralizing and dehumanizing. always be able to find somebody more attrac- the other hand, a “too frum”level of piety tive. If they are looking for someone intelli- Rabbi David Aaron is Dean of Isralight may disqualify one as well. Rather than being exclusively Orthodox,it fits and author of The Secret Life of God, Endless Light right into the Sex and the City mentality of gent, there will be someone out there who is and Seeing God. Please visit him on the web at b. Men and women are similarly scrutinized keeping a scorecard on dates and potential more intelligent.” www.rabbidavidaaron.com not only as to their own health but also dates. Taught to regard each other with When you view people from the outside, sizing them up externally you can always find concerning siblings and other family suspicion, some Jewish singles – including KOL: 7 KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 8

Attitudes Toward Socializing...and Socializing Attitudes by Rabbi Jeremy Wieder here has been a great deal of concern nalize this attitude even if they do not them- unbridled expression to our passions. 3. Explicitly convey to young men and Texpressed recently in our community selves hear any lectures or preaching on the Within the context of “fences” such as women that they should not shy away about relatively new problems of social inter- topic because peer pressure from those stu- yichud and negiah,though,there can exist from these events because they are not action between young men and young dents who have already absorbed the mes- a middle ground between inappropriate frum. We need to emphasize that while it women and in particular, the process of dat- sage wields tremendous influence over them. socializing and the shidduch system. is perfectly acceptable to go about dating ing. In speaking with students in Yeshiva and Some have been able to articulate more 2. Create halachically appropriate social by being set up, that is no more “kosher” Stern Colleges, many of whom expressed the specific messages being conveyed to them. venues and use all of their suasion to than meeting people in a less-pressured distress and discomfort they feel in this new Young men (again,in high school or in Israel) encourage young men and women to environment. environment,I have heard a number of recur- hear that young women are their yetzer hara participate. More activities whose Kesheim shePartzufeihen Shonot kach De’oteihen ring themes. (evil inclination) and exposure to them is primary purpose is for some other cause, Shonot – one size does not fit all people, and One primary lament is that there are few dangerous to their spiritual health. Young a chesed/social action project or an therefore it is important to create an environ- venues in which collegiate men and women women absorb the message that,at their core, intellectual endeavor, for example, need ment in which various appropriate options meet socially which are both in keeping with men are primarily interested in them as sex- to be created. These events, whose social will be available to the young men and their (appropriate) religious sensibilities and ual objects; in order to avoid this dehumaniz- component is incidental, are more women in our community to facilitate their free of pressure to reach premature decisions. ing objectification, interactions between men productive and less pressured than finding their . I “Good” students typically shun co-ed events and women must occur only as part of a most “mixers” and busy young men and Rabbi Jeremy Wieder is a Rosh Yeshiva and or programs. For some this is a choice - they carefully controlled process with the sole women are more likely to attend. instructor of Bible at Yeshiva University. He is also a are genuinely and sincerely convinced that purpose of finding a compatible spouse. doctoral candidate in Hebrew and Judaic Studies at such events are inappropriate or they are too One popular charismatic preacher makes New York University. busy with their night seder (learning) or the rounds of many of the women’s seminar- other responsibilities; what seems more ies “revealing” to the young women that they 101 by Shira Hirschman Weiss problematic is that many others follow along are basically naïve and don’t seem to “get”the fact that the guys who would hang out with was single not too long ago and a part of me popular dating site and my picture was view- because they are afraid of being “branded”as still is: when I eventually met and married able to all members. I walked to shul on “not serious”. them are primarily interested in sex, I irrespective of anything those guys might tell my husband, I knew I could not allow myself Shabbat slightly paranoid, half expecting In the absence of social opportunities to forget the struggle of dating.I shudder when someone to point to me and say:“Ha ha, I saw many young men and women feel compelled them. And, unfortunately, this message resonates with them because it affirms what friends tell me about perfectly mismatched your cheesecake picture online!” To the con- to resort to some variety of the “shidduch sys- blind dates,vicariously taken aback by how off trary, through sawyouatsinai.com for whom I tem” in order to meet potential spouses. many of them have seen in their teenage experience,both in the larger culture and – to the mark suggestions can be. Having made am now a matchmaker, singles pick their per- There is certainly nothing problematic when three successful matches in my single days, sonal matchmakers who only show profiles such a system is informal, i.e. friends intro- our great anguish – in their own experiences during their high school years. (In the I also could not overlook the matchmakers and pictures to potential matches and are not ducing friends. But when the system starts to who tried so hard to get it right.So,I promised available for public viewing. resemble an official “shidduch system,” with absence of such a backdrop, the preaching would more likely fall on deaf ears.) myself I would accept that As I try my hand at matchmaking, I employ professional shadchanim (matchmakers) and same responsibility when a personalized approach: I suggest meeting “rules” and negative consequences for those Most of the young men and women who in response to these messages impose upon setting up friends and with singles face-to-face before setting them who fail to participate or conform, serious acquaintances – I try up, to get a better feel for whom they truly are problems begin to emerge. The system does themselves strict limitations and restrictions offline and what they are looking for. When I on their interactions with members of the very hard to get it right. not work well for most in our community. Here, then, are some of think back to my own experiences with match- Certainly if an individual wishes to follow opposite sex and in dating sincerely wish to makers, I remember the one whose approach do the right thing. But very few of those who my suggestions – as well that route there is nothing wrong, but as pitfalls I’ve encountered really irked me.By not getting back to me to let have gained their respect explicitly address me know where things stood, I felt she had because a generally maladapted approach the topic of relationships and dating and now that I have dedicated myself has become a peer-enforced norm,our young to helping others find their match too. rejected me. As a matchmaker, I always follow those who do tend to do so without nuance or up (appropriately, not in an in-your-face man- adults are subject to extreme social pressure subtlety.As a result our most earnest and sin- When it comes to setting people up, I light and emotional angst. up at the thought of how much these two ner) because it is an essential part of my job. ______cere young people aren’t given an opportuni- In all aspects of life and not just with ty to recognize that there can be,especially as people have in common, how they are capable of the highest form of intellectual discourse, matchmaking,I try to be extremely tactful and they approach marriageable age, appropriate avoid bluntness to the point of hurtfulness. The system does not work well middle ground which avoids the perils of and alas, what a wonderful marriage it will be. I become exhilarated when I hear about Shockingly, this approach is not shared by for most in our community both extremes. impossible romantic endings that actually all of my contemporaries and I have heard ______We must address these issues in a variety panned out in real life. Not so fast! shadchanim say “you are not his look”or “per- of ways and from multiple perspectives if we Matchmaking comes with a price and I’m haps you should try to lose a few pounds.”I am Witnessing the anxieties these new mores are to solve this problem. A long-term appear to produce I have wondered why they not talking about the green stuff. When I was the first to suggest eye-catching, yet modest approach will involve careful consideration of only 20 and living with my parents, their outfits that will elicit appropriate interest from are being adopted by so many of our young the experiences of our young men and adults.What are the sources of these new atti- friends would kindly suggest matches for me, my friends’ dates. But, matchmaking is not a women before they even go to Israel, which and I would almost immediately agree to give series of Extreme Makeovers and we are not tudes and why are our students receptive to render these problematic messages credible them? I have turned to students who feel out my phone number. About 90 dates and personal trainers, hair gurus or fashionistas. and predispose them to receptivity. It will three failed relationships into the process, We are agents who act on behalf of singles uncomfortable with but constrained by con- also involve dealing directly with the purvey- temporary assumptions about appropriate I was living on the Upper West Side often feel- to find their most ideal matches. We try our ors of the harmful attitudes being fostered ing like a has-been at the ridiculously young best and that is our promise to singles as modes of interaction between men and before and during students’ sojourn in Israel. women in general,and dating in particular,in age of 25. I had either “dated everyone,”“met mothers, , homemakers, career people But there are also steps that we can take in everyone and was everyone’s friend” or was and otherwise active individuals who remem- an effort to understand. the short term to ameliorate some of the In reflecting on their experiences many seriously “checking into” guys from Brooklyn ber life before marriage and frustrations in distress our students are experiencing. Here whose names were mentioned to me. dating. Because we can empathize, we hope to students cannot identify a specific source but I wish to propose several ideas, suggested to I simply point to an attitude which they typi- The matchmaking system had molded me make a difference. me by students, to address the problem, as it into a Cautious Female Dater, one less inclined Shira Hirschman Weiss is a matchmaker for cally absorb while spending the year studying already exists. The Rabbinic leaders to whom in Israel, although some have already been to accept a potential date because “it’s just a SawYouAtSinai, a writer and a PR Consultant. our youth turn for guidance should: date,”and one whose antenna was always up for exposed to similar messages while in high 1. Convey to young men and women that SawYouAtSinai.com: school, and their experiences in Israel may possible “warning signs.” I could have used a The only screened, discreet dating site with halacha is well aware of the potency of serve as a catalyst to act on them. They inter- more personalized and secure approach when I over 5,000 singles and 130 matchmakers! and has instituted was dating online,but the options were limited In just 8 months, hundreds are dating, KOL: 8 measures to safeguard us from giving then. At that time, I had my profile on a quite 9 couples are engaged and 2 are married. KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 9

Journey Towards Marriage: Separation, Mourning & Creativity by Shana Yocheved Schacter, RCSW here are many lovely, bright, sensitive, Young men and women in their teens and options to be considered. solved negative feelings and becoming aware Tattractive, accomplished,fun-loving,and twenties consciously or unconsciously devel- Relinquishing one’s longstanding fantasy of longstanding but outdated fantasies will go determined men and women who have op an ideal version of the person they want to is sometimes very difficult because it forces a long way to help us in our quest. Though struggled for many years with the challenge marry. The younger the individual, the more the individual to face the internal and exter- difficult to hear while in the throes of deep of finding a spouse. This challenge crosses perfect their ideal is likely to be. As people nal changes he or she has undergone through upset and disappointment, the proper educational, socioeconomic and religious mature,they realize that no human being can the years. It is clear that one must be honest mourning of losses can provide opportuni- denominational lines and exists in this possibly fit their ideal. with oneself about these changes,both for the ties to help redefine oneself and create new country and around the world. Psychological Men and women who are dating for ten individual’s sake as well as for the benefit of possibilities for connections. This effort may dynamics and social realities combine to and twenty years or more sometimes find it finding an appropriate match at this stage in lead to developing a new perception of one- prevent some adults in their thirties and difficult to separate from their original ideal. life. Often, however, a mythical notion of self, more creative forms of networking and beyond from finding and choosing husbands What they sometimes fail to realize is that it whom one wants to marry is retained as a engaging others in our search, and being and wives. is precisely the giving up of this early ideal form of resistance to feeling the inevitable open to new options.In this way,connections In fact, many of you who are reading this which will allow them to find a match that is discomfort associated with the separation can replace separation, celebration can essay are currently engaged in this confusing actually better suited to them at this time in from and mourning of this ideal. replace mourning, creativity can replace and complex journey either for yourselves, their life than their original ideal spouse There are no definitive answers or sure stagnation and hope can replace despair. I your friends or members of your family. In might have been. It is essential for more flex- advice for people struggling to find their life Shana Yocheved Schacter is a psychoanalyst so doing, it is essential that we all maintain ibility to develop and a wider range of partners, but I believe that addressing unre- in Brookline, MA and New York City. our sensitivity to and understanding of the uniqueness of each woman and man, even as we try to describe and understand, in a gen- by Dr. Adena K. Berkowitz eral way, the emotional and psychological Ethics of Internet dating components involved in the effort of finding t a recent Shabbat lunch my family and – according to my single friends,“everybody” also for the Jewish a spouse. I would like to offer a few thoughts A I sat with a couple, both previously who signs up for internet dating exaggerates community as a that might enhance our understanding of divorced,who met on a Jewish dating site and their looks, their credentials and even their whole as to the this matter. were newly married. This vibrant couple age. And even after getting a date, people overall ethical In the life of an older , disap- regaled us with experiences of having a long engage in outright deceptions. Men will tell atmosphere of pointments mount as the hopes for this or distance relationship and the compromises women that they will call them, when they our community. that shidduch are dashed for one reason or they had to make as to where to live and how have no intention of doing so.Women will say Within the world of shidduch dating, we another. Time passes, and many dates come to set up a Brady Bunch type household with they are interested in going out again even have heard of people wanting to know what and go. For some, relationships develop for a all their children from previous marriages. A though they have no desire to. Yet, isn’t this type of tablecloth their potential date uses at while and then eventually end. For others, lively discussion ensued as to why Jewish behavior just ‘custom of the trade’, a form of a Shabbat table, the type of clothes worn by there may not be many dates altogether. internet dating services have become so pop- buyer beware when going out? the mother at a Friday night dinner and the Every person experiencing a multiplicity of ular and what parameters we thought people ______style of furniture in the house. It seems that disappointments or losses must properly who go online should follow. dating has come down to a list of twenty mourn the current losses as well as the earli- Is it appropriate for people to lie about their It seems that dating has come questions, a test that each party has to pass er ones upon which these present losses are age? Pump up their looks or professions? Does with the right answers before they will even built. The degree to which an adult resolves it affect the level of trust that two parties will down to a list of 20 questions... go out together. Why have so many people the loss(es) of early significant relationships have for each other, down the road? If you lie ______become so inflexible that they won’t even take will determine how well that same adult will about your age, will the other party begin to a chance and consider options that might be able to manage the current losses and dis- wonder what else you are lying about? Is it a Some rabbis have tried to balance the broaden their ability to meet the "right one"? appointments involved in dating for a pro- violation of halacha and Jewish values to lie Torah’s desire for truth with the stark reality of Perhaps the dearth of informal places for tracted period of time. about these things? Does it matter if every- the dating world by permitting, for example, people to meet that used to exist (syna- Single adults with whom I work try to body does it? Is Jewish tradition concerned women to lower their age by up to five years gogue/Young Israel dances; singles weekends learn from what did or did not go as they had with creating a dating atmosphere in which on their internet dating forms, with the stipu- at hotels of yesteryear– Grossingers/Concord, expected in a potential relationship. They not merely bending the truth but outright lation that they divulge their age on the first Brown’s; mixed seating tables at ) attempt to take a candid look at the responsi- deception should be condoned? Do the ends date. This is one approach to level the playing has led to the explosive growth of internet bility they or their partner may have had in justify the means to create a bayit neeman field. In general, though, because there is now dating. With that growth has come a whole the match not moving forward. Eventually b’Yisrael (a home based on Jewish ideals)? a widespread assumption that people auto- new series of difficult ethical choices that many come to realize that unresolved previ- As many of us are aware,there are a variety matically take off years when they fill out have to be made.We as a community,whether ous losses significantly color their current of approaches within Jewish tradition to the these forms, an ironic result can ensue for the single or married, rabbis and laypeople, have attempts at making new bonds. question of lying,and specifically with regard wholly honest person: When they list their an obligation to create an overall atmosphere ______to white lies. In the Torah and Talmud, we are actual age, people will automatically assume where ethical parameters infuse all our lives, told to keep far from lies, to avoid distorting that they are older! on a daily basis. We need to reexamine the ...hope can replace despair. the truth. Yet the rabbis counsel us that not Many women bemoan previously commit- expectations that we wish for in potential ______all truth is to be spoken when it would ment-phobic men who suddenly wake up in mates and work on creating a Jewish culture cause emotional distress, embarrassment their mid-40’s and decide that they are ready where we are initially sensitive to people’s and shame. We find sources concerned with to settle down, yet are unwilling to even con- emotional needs as much as their physical These earlier losses may also take the form preserving shalom bayit (domestic harmony) sider women who are close or at their age. and spiritual ones. I of trauma in one’s family of origin, such as Men might cite the “ticking of the biological as well as weighing the intent of our decep- Dr. Adena K. Berkowitz is consultant to physical and/or mental illness, divorce or tion. Thus we learn that at times it is deemed clock” as an excuse to date younger women; death. Though one may not be aware of the Hadassah and Community Liaison to New York City not only acceptable, but also necessary to but in reality it may just appeal to a man’s self Public Advocate Mark Green as well as a board connection between the losses within one’s bend the truth to avoid hurting someone’s esteem to have a younger woman on his arm. member of JOFA. A member of the New York family and the business of finding a spouse, I feelings. Still other sources indicate that even Some men who are not doctors, lawyers, UJA Federation Committee on Medical Ethics, have found that reworking earlier life’s emo- when you have the best intentions, outright accountants, or MBA’s have equally com- she is a prolific writer and is a frequent lecturer on tional difficulties enables a person to make deceptions are to be avoided for fear that you plained that if they were to list their real jobs topics relating to Jewish ethics. new serious commitments. will become a habitual liar. women would never respond to their emails. There is yet another form of loss associat- Somehow these sources seem moot when These dilemmas pose a challenge not only for ed with single adults in their later years. measured against the truth of the marketplace those in our community who are single but KOL: 9 KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 10

A Jerusalem Story by Chananya Weissman III of arguing with you.You know what’s best for would be different this time. In he walls of Jerusalem loomed before Yeshua tried to Tikva as she prepared to exit the city. yourself.” The W that private inner place where no T concentrate on his alls of Shimon patted him on the back, which Jerusalem... one else could look, Yeshua She hesitated as she reached Jaffa Gate, her Talmudic teachings, stomach fluttering with a mixture of fear and struck Yeshua as unnecessarily patronizing, believed that it would. but it was no use. His III excitement. It would be so easy to turn back and turned to leave.“You know what’s best for yourself,”he repeated. normally clear mind refused to stay focused Tikva heard the music from a healthy and scamper home. It was a crazy thing she for more than a few moments. After a final was doing, really, and very much out of char- distance, and could almost feel something III attempt to review some laws of agriculture, different in the air. acter. Her friends would never let her live it Tikva wished she’d gone with a friend. The Yeshua gave up for the day. down if they found out. One of her sisters had met her husband at whole experience was so awkward and full of “Fine!” he declared to the heavens, which, one of these affairs while Tikva was a child. The urge to turn back was powerful, but pressure. Her sisters had gone in years past, as usual, did not respond in any way that he fleeting; Tikva knew that she would continue The story was similar to those told by many with mixed results, but this was Tikva’s first could discern.“I’ll go. Let it not be said that I others, yet still it seemed so magical. on her journey.While the potential for failure time.She knew that,one way or the other,she haven’t tried!” and embarrassment made Tikva literally Somehow she had found herself in a conver- would never do this again. His friends were long gone, and it was sation with a special young man…before she tremble, at least it would be over with after a She noticed that her dress had a small questionable whether he would even run into couple of hours. If she turned back, though, knew it they had separated from the throngs stain in the front, a faded yellow streak. It them when he arrived. But that suited Yeshua of people…it seemed like they were in their the self-doubt over a lost opportunity would wasn’t obvious, but it sure didn’t make her just fine. He didn’t mind being alone this gnaw at her indefinitely.She could not bear to own little world, a world that had not existed feel any better.Why couldn’t she have gotten a time, free from their jeers and platitudes. until they found each other…and in just a think of missing an opportunity,the opportu- nicer dress? Why did the odds always seem They meant well – for the most part everyone nity–not after all she had been through. few short days they decided to share this stacked against her? And why did things meant well – but Yeshua preferred for things world on a permanent basis. Tikva hurried forward, the hem of her never work the few times the odds seemed to remain mostly private. Even if that limited white dress gliding across the grass as Tikva yearned for this, she ached for it. more favorable? Why? his opportunities,it made him feel better,and Her world, so beautiful in its own right, often Jerusalem dwindled behind her. Tears welled inside her, but Tikva forced III that had to count. seemed empty, for lack of someone with them back. There would be plenty of time for Yeshua had gone before, several times in whom to share it. “Come on, Yeshua, don’t give me excuses. her to cry later, and she expected to take full fact. The experience had always been dread- We’re all going together, and you’re coming The magic often seemed terribly elusive. advantage of it. But not now. Tikva had beau- ful for him…and yet,he acknowledged that it Today,however, she thought she could almost with us.” tiful eyes,and she intended to keep them that didn’t have to be that way.There was definite- Yeshua shot his friend an angry look.“This feel it. God’s presence was in these fields. way. She was far from glamorous, as were ly potential for it to be pleasant, and it III is absurd, absolutely ridiculous. You’re not some of the other girls,but Tikva had a pleas- seemed that for most people it was.Maybe he Yeshua was old enough to remember when getting me to go. Just forget about it.” ant appearance.At certain times,when things just placed too much pressure on himself. Shimon laughed.“So you’re just going to sit these events occurred twice a year, on Yom were right, she could even be radiant. She Maybe this year would be different. Kippur afternoon as well as the fifteenth of here by yourself?” could not allow herself to cry. Yeshua would never have admitted it to “I wish you’d let me,”retorted Yeshua.“Go Av. But with the destruction of the second Tikva smiled warmly as she approached anyone, but inside he really hoped. He felt a Bais Hamikdash, the festive atmosphere enjoy yourself. I’m sure you’ll have a great the fields. Today her inner radiance would quiet confidence that he could not attribute time. It’s not for me.” following the Yom Kippur services in the Bais shine through to the surface. The fear and to anything substantial,but he welcomed it.It Hamikdash was replaced with a spiritual “Listen, you have no excuse not to go.A lot darkness would be buried deep inside her, really could be different this time, and if he of people are going to be there – but I’m tired void.For a few years the traditional dances in perhaps never to reemerge.She dared to hope. had anything at all to say about it, it really the fields continued, but they lacked the spir- it and joy of years past. Not surprisingly, few marriages resulted, and the dances began to dwindle. Yom Kippur was now an almost Parenting for Successful Dating and Marriage entirely solemn day, and the afternoon by Sherry Zimmerman, Esq. and Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. dances were a thing of the past. oday, more people are finding them- 3. Be aware of the non-verbal cues they sons and daughters with the skills they will Fortunately, the Tu B’Av dances retained Tselves single and are unhappy about it. use. Spouses sometimes argue and it is need in their personal and familial relation- their festivity, and continued to be well [See Survey Says, page 1] They find it harder healthy for children to observe their par- ships. Our children need socialization skills, attended. A few extremists had begun to grumble that the dances should not to develop relationships that lead to good, ents resolve conflicts constructively and perhaps akin to a “Social Ed” class in high Tu B’Av continue, for several reasons. Some felt that it stable and happy marriages. How do we continue to love and respect each other. school,and there is no more important venue was an embarrassment to the memory of the reverse this trend and increase the rate of Although marriage is a goal the Jewish faith for imparting this than the home. Another espouses from the moment a Jewish baby is important middah (trait) that many contem- Yom Kippur dances, which no longer existed. successful, enduring Jewish marriages? By Others argued that society’s morals had named (Torah,chuppah and maasim porary young adults appear to lack is a sense preparing young Jews for dating and mar- reached new lows, and young people should riage, long before they are ready to date. tovim), in many families this of responsibility. Parents should inculcate this early, while at the same time facilitat- not be allowed to meet and marry in such a Moreover, parents are the most likely candi- goal is not actively reinforced public fashion. Yeshua was glad that these ing age-appropriate independence. dates for this responsibility. during a child’s upbringing. fringe voices had little influence in the The best gift a parent can give to prepare a Contemporary culture treats One of the difficulties of parent- religious community. child for dating and marriage is a positive marriage simply as an alterna- hood is that we are so busy with our He wished more than anything in the world outlook on marriage in general and their own tive lifestyle choice: the “me first” lives and the demands of raising a to find an appropriate wife, and, despite his marriage in particular.Even parents who lack ideology encourages children to finish family that we don’t think about how reluctance to attend the dance, appreciated shalom bayis or who are divorced can give their graduate degrees and internships, our children will navigate the dating the opportunity. Yeshua felt hope in the air, their children a positive outlook on married establish financial security, become estab- maze until they actually begin to date. If we and hurried toward the festivities. His bride life by emphasizing the benefits of married lished in a career, and acquire some accou- are conscious of the skills that will help them might very well be there waiting for him. life and noting the good points in their own trements of success before they even consider successfully date for marriage and be good III marriage or former marriage. dating for marriage. When an adult delays spouses, we can adapt our parenting style to Tikva danced with the other girls, her soul Parents should: marriage-oriented dating in order to achieve help them acquire these skills as they filled with joy. She knew her face was glow- I 1. Make a conscious effort to show their other goals, he can have difficulty making a mature. ing. Dozens of young men looked on at the children that they care for each other transition from to developing a The authors are an attorney and psychotherapist edge of the field. Some of them appeared to 2. Describe the values they share and the serious relationship that can lead to marriage. who founded Sasson V’Simcha – The Center For be contemplating approaching the girls. features they admire in each other. In addition, while the achievements we Jewish Marriage, Inc. They are the authors of Talking Tikva wished they would get over their fears parents encourage our children to accomplish Tachlis and In The Beginning and write weekly and do so already. are laudable, they alone do not prepare our advice columns for The Jewish Press and KOL: 10 www.aish.com continues on next page... KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 11

A Jerusalem Story Continued One of the young men stood out from the The in the Jewish Community rest of the bunch.She did not know why.There by Naomi Feder seemed to be nothing remarkable about him... t is hard to imagine the pain that a woman How does the Jewish community fit in? ness to the community.She can lead or attend yet something about him had clearly gotten Iexperiences when she loses her husband. What role do community members have in classes or study groups, become part of her attention.Maybe it was the way he carried While mourning this incredible loss, she this transitional process? To truly understand community activities, be a shul officer or sit himself…quiet confidence, but not the bois- must also transition into this next phase of the responsibility the Jewish Community on the Board. Opportunities for community terous self-promotion of many of the others. her life. Essentially, she must to learn to see must have to the more vulnerable person, we involvement have increased for women – both Or maybe it was simply the fact that he herself as a complete and whole individual look to the laws in the Torah. With great married and single. seemed to be watching her.He wasn’t obvious rather than as half of a couple. She must sensitivity, the Torah commands us not only ______enough about it that Tikva could be sure, but assume full responsibility for tasks that she to meet the widow’s concrete needs but to go it definitely seemed that he had taken notice previously had shared with her husband beyond that and even anticipate her needs. Essentially, she must learn of her. Tikva wondered if it was only her i.e. taking care of finances by herself, making Doing so makes it unnecessary for her to imagination. And she wondered if she was major decisions alone, arranging social present herself as needy or dependent on to see herself as a complete crazy to feel an attraction to someone she had activities for herself or her family. She must others. We are commanded to adopt the never even spoken to. Why should she be also learn to be at peace when alone. single person into our family – to have her and whole individual attracted to him,she wondered? Why not any- The widow will need to tap into her inner- become an integral part of our family. rather than as half of a couple. one else? Why not everyone else? Was it right? most resources, some of which may have Inherent in the Orthodox community is Was it wise? been dormant when her husband was alive. an incredible support system. Our laws ______She didn’t know. But the more she covertly And now she may need help, direction establish a firm structure creating observed this young man, the less she found and possibly even permission to predictability and security. A basic Our community needs to reach out to each that she cared. develop her potential. Though she tenet in Jewish thought is that all Jews widow and adopt her into our midst, valuing III may not see it that way initially, it are responsible for one another. For a her for who she is and for all that she can Yeshua could not justify to himself why he could be an opportunity for her to widow or for a single person this can become. This will be a great help in her task provide a feeling of safety. to becoming whole again, and will in turn wished very badly to meet that girl in the cir- become more complete than she was I cle.Her dress did not seem to fit her very well before. It can best be accomplished when the Being invited for a Shabbat meal can be strengthen the fabric of our community. (though Yeshua knew that it was most likely woman begins to see herself as valuable unto experienced as an act of inclusion, of being made to feel that one is a vital part of a group. Naomi Feder is an LCSW, board certified borrowed).There were certainly prettier girls, herself because of the traits she has, because diplomate in clinical social work, with a and so far he had little else by which to gauge of her accomplishments, because of how she There are increasingly numerous and private practice in Englewood, NJ. anyone. Yet she danced with a great deal of deals with life’s struggles and tasks and important ways a widow or any single woman that seemed genuine, not simply for because of the kind of woman she is. can establish her own identity and connected- show.And she appeared to be keenly aware of the others in her circle, making sure not to allow her own dancing to adversely affect How to Change the Dating Game anyone else’s. She seemed graceful and by Cory M. Baker, Esq. charming, yet it was obvious to Yeshua that t’s really amazing how exposed we are singles’ situation. The first step is affecting date my now she did not desire to flaunt her qualities. He Ias Americans, Jewish or Gentile, to sex, change – changing the way we interact: fiancée, everyone was certain that there were many such quali- asked: “who set ties, only a sample of which were on display. sexuality and romance in the mainstream For the men: today. Pop-culture, magazines, film, TV, Realize that it is not an act of Judaic heresy to you up?”as if there He wished to discover more about her. was no other option best-selling books- we are enmeshed in a ask a girl out without being set-up with her. Was it his imagination, or did she smile at for meeting someone. And when I told them world where sexuality and dating is every- We have become far too dependent on the him ever so briefly? that I met her at a party downtown I was where. Some might say that this is the to do our work for us.Women love to How does the story end? Here’s your shidduch asked if she was religious. We continue to disintegration of true and healthy love and be asked out on a date. This does not mean opportunity to use your fiction-writing marginalize and ghetto-ize ourselves. A close the wearing away of what is right and holy. that all women want to go out with you! But skills… and win a chance to be published Many have even said that we are too desensi- community is what has kept us together in the in a new online journal! For more infor- there is rarely a reason not to try and ask. past and continues to do so; but it does not tized to sex and that sex has become casual. At the very least you can see what does and mation log on to www.orthosingles.org to Now ask yourself when you last shared a truly bar the 21st century, Modern Orthodox Jew share your finale and see how others doesn’t work in your approach so you know from enjoying the nightlife their city has to romantic and sexually charged evening with for next time. would have the story conclude. a member of the opposite sex… offer after the ecstasy of the local kosher pizza Author’s Note: Throughout the generations Our parents’ generation consisted of For the women: shop has worn off. there have been many Tikvas and Yeshuas, Orthodox Jews who sent many of us to Jewish a. It may be difficult, but it is okay if you’re Finally, perhaps there is room in modern lonely Jews who searched for their respective Day-schools and summer camps and knew 25 and not dating anyone seriously. Orthodoxy to be kosher, shomer Shabbat, hopes and salvations. In recent times the what it meant to raise children in a religious b. Don’t assume that your bashert can only modest and sexual. Sexual in the sense that search has become more complicated and and spiritual home. And yet they dealt with be found outside OZ at W. 95th Street on we act naturally, when meeting, courting and excruciating than perhaps ever before. Many dating on an entirely different level. Yeshiva Friday nights or at the Jewish Center eventually mating.Sexual in the sense that we thousands of Tikvas and Yeshuas are suffering high schools and summer camps used to Shabbat morning. are investing in ourselves, in being young, sponsor social dances, sock hops, and other smart and single in NYC. Paying a monthly indescribable pain and spiritual solitude c. Take a chance and flirt. Flirting is how we every day of their lives. It will always be in NATURAL environments for dating and the fee to an online dating service seems hardly discovery of interpersonal sexuality. Doesn’t know you’re interested. Lack of eye the sufficient investment necessary for the God’s hands to bring people together. But it contact, dismissive glances and looking remains in our hands to allow God to perform it seem more normal to be enjoying a cocktail 20-something Orthodox Jew living outside next to an attractive member of the opposite over our shoulder for the next conversa- of North Dakota. Going to parties and events this miracle in a subtle fashion, lest we not tion is rarely endearing. merit more supernatural methods.Let us help sex rather than hunched over a computer like sponsored by Jewish promoters and organizers our single men and women meet one another. a Neanderthal scanning for the most recent d. And if you’re feeling really crazy ask a guy is a better option. When we begin to realize And if we cannot help all of them sufficiently, people who have logged in? Don’t get me to hang out sometime. Sure the average that the walls we build around ourselves are let us not prevent them from helping them- wrong, internet dating is one of the best Jewish guy may pass a shock-induced our own greatest obstacles we may start to selves.May the new year bring the beginnings things to happen to the Jewish social culture kidney stone, but it also may be the learn to hurdle them. I smartest thing you ever did. of many healthy and holy unions. but it won’t help you develop the social skills Cory M. Baker, Esq. is an attorney and writer in you need when you meet a real live person. There are worlds thriving outside of our New York City and can be reached at Chananya Weissman is the founder of Now, I may be “just another guy on the EndTheMadness.org immediate Jewish communities; head down- [email protected] UWS”but I wanted to share with you some of town where you can find bars, restaurants, my thoughts on how to improve the current clubs and even JEWS! When I first started to KOL: 11 KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 12

If You Dated Yourself, Would You Go Out on a Second Date? by Isaac Galena ood Question. Would you? It’s certainly a according to Rabbi Stauber, because although question is an awfully interesting one to I You thought that Gpuzzling inquiry,and the topic of a recent you’ll always crave to be with someone like ponder. Before you answer for yourself, I’ll give was a date? Upper West Side Chabad Friday lecture.Rabbi yourself, you will ultimately end up needing you a head start.I sent out an email to a group of I thought we were Shmuel Stauber, a relationship therapist, someone from the opposite side of the friends with the question and I’d like to share just hanging out. explained that in relationships you need to fall persona spectrum. some of their responses with you: Oops! off the horse a couple times in order to learn Don’t buy it? Well here, for your reading I I wouldn’t even go on a first date I I think I would be to ride. pleasure,are some classic examples I came up with myself pretty annoyed not being original any- with for you to chew on – all turtles and Breaking every person into a “Fight” or I I would probably want to be really more, but if I could get over that, I think I hailstorms: Rocky & Adrian, Han Solo & “Flight”personality type, or as he called them good friends, have myself over for would go on a second date.But then I Princess Leah, Kermit & Miss Piggy, “Turtles” (introverts) and “Hailstorms” Shabbat dinner. would dump myself eventually because I (extroverts), Rabbi Stauber concluded that if Satine & Christian,Agassi & Graff,Chandler & would be afraid that I was the type to I I’d say - when are we going out again? you are one personality type your partner Monica, Beauty & The Beast, John & Yoko, dump me. must be the opposite.So,you would not go out Homer & Marge. It is true. Think about it. You’re the most fun date EVER!!!! I Probably for a few dates, but then it on a second date with yourself in the long run, I know this theory is completely debatable on I Religion would definitely be an issue. a variety of levels, but you have to admit the would just get awkward with a lot of ‘Am I really the One for Me?’ commit- ment phobias Sex and the City: Sexuality on the Upper West Side I Yeah, it’d be fun. I could do anything. I would never have to try to impress by Rabbi Allen Schwartz anyone, or not be myself, and I’d never oday sex sells, and the West Side of daughters so profoundly self conscious of marriages. To corroborate this I get into fights! Wait, but after a while TManhattan sells it about as much as any- what a boy thinks of her when he is looking point to a letter to New York I’d get lonely.But I would definitely go where. This marketplace has even invaded the her up and down. The cultural influences that Magazine from a young woman on at least the second date! bombard our youth have real consequences. who wrote in early 1998: Orthodox community; but in the Book of Ruth I I always go out on a second date, even if Women learn from the “highly rated” TV modesty sells,and perhaps there are lessons to I am so sick of the fact that every guy I it’s with a complete loser. be learned by those who are single today. shows that sex is enticing and empowering. meet expects that I should sleep with him on the Take what you will from it. I know I’d go The Book of Ruth weaves a number of sub- They do not see the emotional scars that are first date. I am mortified on behalf of my peers out with myself for a few dates, you know,“to plots together so that an older couple, both left when physical relationships break off, and who, when they hint to their about see and be seen”,but then of course break up widowed,would meet,fall in love and together promises made in the heat of passion are marriage,find themselves dumped like garbage. due to “irreconcilable differences.”So,now it’s build the foundation of the Davidic dynasty. broken without a second thought. Just when I thought there was no answer for a your turn.Answer for yourself at... Their first meeting is described from afar as Into all of this, steps the Torah, ...as usual. modern-day woman, I read your article Boaz is taken by something about Ruth and he It just so happens that the traditional and “Looking for Mr. Goldberg” [by Elizabeth Hayt, www.orthosingles.org inquires about her the first time he sees her. halachic norms of modesty are just what Dec. 8, 1997]. Isaac Galena is the co-founder of bangitout.com What interested Boaz about Ruth? today’s society needs to hear.We wouldn’t dive Our tradition tells us that he saw Ruth into a pool if there were only a 50% chance that I am shocked that there are young Orthodox behaving differently than all the other women the pool had water.So why are we ready to give Jewish men who have honorable intentions,date only to marry, do not lead a woman on, have no who were gleaning in his field. While the oth- ourselves over to someone in such a significant These words are meant for those who are ulterior motives, do not even touch them until ers bent over and often exposed themselves, way before we’re sure that it is real.And we can already Jewish. Let’s remember the Ruth after they are married – it’s like you are speaking Ruth carefully bent in a modest and discreet never be 100% sure of this until marriage! model. It worked on Boaz so many years ago about people from Mars. And I am sooo jealous. manner, to avoid such exposure. I would dare to consider that if every single and it could still work today. I There are many things that can pique a woman on the West Side pointed to Leviticus Why aren’t all men like this? It is enough to make man’s interest in a woman. The first often is a 18:19 and told the men: “You don’t touch me me consider converting to Judaism. Rabbi Schwartz of Congregation Ohab Zedek in New physical attraction. In today’s society that until you marry me.” We’d see many more – Sandy Denise, Manhattan York, NY is also an instructor at Yeshiva University. attraction goes far beyond physical appear- ance to an immediate physical relationship. Our society is so convinced that promiscuity The Silent Revolution of the Modern Era sells that everything from bus stops to phone by Liaura Zacharie booths to billboards are designed to appeal to ver the past 30 years, sociological and quality of how people relate to one another. identity. It is quite a heavy choice, especially the sexual appetites of the consumer. Otechnological changes have significantly For many years, Jewish leadership has when it happens by lack of choice. Sexual pervasiveness throughout society impacted the manner in which men and attempted to counteract assimilation by Some singles enjoy being single, though has created some special challenges in the women view themselves,dating and marriage. enhancing Jewish education. But since clearly many would rather be married. Orthodox community. Most Orthodox men In a society where material comfort, personal assimilation is expressed primarily through Singles can commiserate over their status, or and women would never think of violating freedom and self-actualization have become a intermarriage, wouldn’t it make more sense they can see it as an opportunity to gain Leviticus chapter 11 on a date by dining at a priority, marriage seems to have lost its to have a large scale, comprehensive, profes- greater personal awareness and grow into seafood restaurant or by eating a cheeseburger. supremacy. This worldwide trend is consid- sional initiative facilitating Jewish marriages? individuals who will be able to build Yet they have no qualms violating the sexual ered by European sociologists to be “the silent ______more fulfilling relationships. Married society code, listed 7 chapters later in the same book. revolution of the modern era.”Some countries, should not feel threatened by these “happy The religious argument against this is obvious, such as Italy, already have a negative popula- Jewish continuity singles”, but rather should change our often- but the social argument is just as convincing. tion growth; others are headed down the same condescending looks for a concretely helpful When it was discovered that tobacco com- depends first and foremost road. Can we really afford to follow this trend? on ROMANCE. hand and become informal matchmakers. panies were targeting our youth there was sig- [See Survey Says, page 1] We ALL know people who aren’t married. nificant moral outrage. Our innocent, unpro- The unavoidable conclusion is that Jewish ______Aren’t we commanded to follow in the foot- tected youth needed our interaction. But continuity depends first and foremost on... For some, marrying Jewish is not a steps of the Master of the World? According to where is the same sanctimonious outrage ROMANCE! It is hard to understand how, for priority, but many find it very painful to the Talmud, (Masechet Kiddushin), after He towards MTV, the music industry, magazines decades, we’ve missed this point. However, marry outside of their faith. They may feel created the world,God Himself chose to make and the media in general that make our I believe that this world crisis will compel us like they are cutting themselves off from their a match! What could be more uplifting and to develop new resources that will upgrade the roots, their People, their heritage, their very KOL: 12 continues on next page... KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 13

Single, Jewish, and Living with Illness by Ronit Leibowitz and Rochelle Shoretz erious illness can be overwhelming for a I Face serious concerns about the impact of I May be concerned about the impact of a More frightening than living with a serious Swoman at any stage of life. Facing illness treatment–especially for cancer–on their diagnosis on their marriage prospects, if illness such as cancer is thinking that you are as a single Jewish woman can be all the more fertility and ability to biologically parent a they wish to marry with the assistance of the only person like you living with serious ill- challenging. While those around her struggle child. a Shadchan (matchmaker). ness. For single Jewish women, the support of to balance professional and social lives, the I May face greater insecurities about I Are concerned about the potential risk to peers can be invaluable. Women who address single woman living with cancer, for example, their physical appearance, particularly future generations,as in the case of breast common health concerns can form a commu- confronts the additional anxieties of life with a after surgery or during chemotherapy cancer where 1 in 40 Jewish women of nity within the community,a place of reassur- serious illness and its impact on dating, fertil- treatments. Ashkenazi descent are carriers of a muta- ance and guidance, where no woman must ity,and religious life in the Jewish community. feel alone. The challenge before us is to shape I May lose their hair during chemotherapy tion in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes that Illness touches single women’s lives in ways may predispose a carrier to breast cancer. the broader Jewish community into that very and need to cover their heads, a practice same haven. I that are unique. Single women I I that is associated with marriage in the Do not have nearly as many support group Often do not have the daily or consistent Orthodox community. options. Most groups target women with Ronit Leibowitz is a student at the support that a partner can provide. I children, and some may be inappropriate Wurzweiler School of Social Work and I Must decide when and how to tell a a summer intern at Sharsheret. May face the emotional turmoil of moving prospective partner that they have or have for those who are not sexually active. back home to be cared for by loved ones. Rochelle Shoretz is the Founder and Executive had a serious illness. Director of Sharsheret, a national not-for-profit organization supporting young Jewish women facing breast cancer. Call toll-free (866) 474-2774 Introducing My Date to My Medical Issue or visit our website www.sharsheret.org by Anonymous had finally met someone – possibly The this would work out. When he walked out of empowered I One. But I was faced with the unpleasant the doctor’s office after a brief meeting, he as the initia- responsibility of having to reveal to him my suggested we go out to dinner. That night... tor, but as a medical issue and I knew this could make or he proposed!______frum woman, it was “ break our relationship. equally important for me to maintain the level v h of tznius that I wanted my future relationship Mixed g The time was right: women’s intuition, the I told myself, if he IY backing of my Rav and my frum therapist to uphold.Frumster made it possible for me to H confirmed that for me.I had emunah that this were not able to handle it achieve both. That Shimon was receptive was Blessings would work out for the best. I repeated to I wouldn’t want him anyway. the first indication that he would warmly myself the words of Queen Esther, as she ______receive the difficult news and problems by Rabbi Josh Yuter prepared to confront King Achashveirosh, I needed to share – now and in the future. I f you’re Jewish and single, odds are you’ve "Ka’asher Avaditi Avaditi." I told myself, if he I’m so thankful to Hashem for a chosson who Chaya and Shimon* were married during been hit with one of the most annoying were not able to handle it,I wouldn’t want him really sees the whole picture and evaluated me I 5764/2004. They are just one of over brachot ever invented: “ anyway. But if he can handle it, if he rises to in my entirety before making a decision. His Im yirtzeh Hashem 135 couples who have become married (God willing) by you!”(IYH) the challenge, this will bring us closer. Yiras Shamayim, courage and strength of through Frumster’s Orthodox managed Some go through comical measures to I was very upfront and honest: I laid all the character are a daily inspiration to me. online dating & marriage service. avoid this phrase. For her younger sister’s cards on the table. I told him all about my con- I met Shimon on Frumster,and believe it or *Names changed to protect privacy wedding, a freind of mine made a T-Shirt dition and it’s ramifications for marriage and not, I took the first step and contacted him. saying, “No No. by YOU!” children.And he responded with a strong verbal The fact that he was not intimidated by my With over 270 members matched, and 14,000 Im Yirtzeh Hashem members, Frumster empowers success. Members From what I recall her telling me, it worked commitment to be there for me no matter what. lead demonstrated his confidence and self- conduct their own searches and can contact a nicely. His Rav advised that we go to my doctor esteem. It was only due to the securities and potential match through the private Frumster When I was learning in Israel, my chavruta together and that he should speak to the controls on the website that I was comfortable network or through the Frumster Matchmaker. (study partner) got engaged and I had to doctor alone. I davened so fervently that initiating contact. As a woman, I felt greatly Our secure and comfortable dating environment draws singles of all ages and outlooks who are endure my share of IYH’s. Noticing my sincerely searching for a marriage partner. apparent disapproval, one woman said, “Oh, you should be happy! It’s a bracha!” The Silent Revolution continued I didn’t want to get into an argument at this rewarding than having the merit to bring Our goal must be to Many singles feel bewildered and point, so I simply nodded, smiled, and went happiness to Jews who want to build a family, find suitable partners in hurt by the failure of the community on my merry way. while at the same time strengthening the a way that is easily acces- and its leadership to recognize their Not long afterward,I was at a Shabbat meal Jewish People? sible, efficient, economical issues and by the absence of official with the same woman. Somehow in the So what are the reasons for this growing and enjoyable. Fulfillment of this goal can initiatives to deal with them. By context of the conversation, I said IYH population of single people? We can point to a be achieved by raising awareness on different ignoring such a large part of our people regarding someone having children. Instead combination of complex factors,among them, levels. On the communal level, we need to we neglect our tradition of compassion, con- of accepting this bracha, the same woman the relational discomfort of modern society. elicit public cooperation to facilitate Jewish cern for others and for future generations. incredulously said, “You know, you really Individualism, egoism, lack of authenticity, marriages. On the family level we need to Our community tends to function best in shouldn’t say things like that.” and lack of fulfillment are expressed most educate parents about the impact a strong “emergency mode”. But in this situation we “Why not? Isn’t it a bracha?” acutely in intimate relationships. In addition, healthy marriage has on their children’s atti- must take care of things at an earlier stage “Yes, but you don’t know...maybe there’s a because marriages are no longer arranged, tude toward marriage. And finally, on the and act in “prevention mode”. Let this be the reason why they don’t have kids.” singles need a strong sense of identity and a individual level we need to provide singles end of the silent revolution, the end of our “Maybe there’s a reason I’m not married.” high level of self-awareness, which they may with the tools and social skills necessary to silence, and the foundation of our future. I “Look, you just shouldn’t.” I could have countered that if IYH is indeed not have achieved by the time they are ready create and build long lasting relationships. Liaura Zacharie is the Founder of Eden 2000, to marry.And finally,for today’s singles, func- We need to create opportunities for singles to a Jerusalem based NPO that has raised the singles’ a bracha, then it should be welcomed in all tional partnerships are no longer sufficient. meet in informal and natural settings and we issue to the national agenda in Israel and is cases. I was not nagging, “nu, when are we Singles aspire to a higher quality of relation- need to be creative.We must develop new meth- currently promoting "Romancing Israel", ship including love, intimacy and growth. ods and programs to suit the needs of today’s a national Jewish singles project aimed at continues on next page... Such relationships take longer to cultivate and singles. We also need to raise standards and addressing the singles issue in Israel and beyond. involve a more selective search process. provide training for professional matchmakers. KOL: 13 KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 14

Single Orthodox Men: A Guide to the Perplexed by Rabbi Tsvi Blanchard, Ph.D. lan, a twenty-eight year old Orthodox Jewish family culture, some Orthodox men er for some men to feel secure in their men who have been taught Aman from the Upper West Side tells me have experienced confusion about their own ability to stand up for them- socially conservative inter- masculine identity and sense of self worth. selves in a marriage. On pretations of Torah as if that he wants very much to have a family, but BAGGAGE “somehow”,the three serious relationships he I will consider each of these areas in turn. the one hand, these men they were timeless truths. has had didn’t end in marriage. Could this want, indeed can only SINGLE Orthodox men, as most really respect, women American men, are not have something to do with him? Alan’s story is EZER K’NEGDO: THODOX typical of many twenty-something Orthodox Fear, Danger & Insecurity who are competent OR entirely sure how to be a men who are not finding it easy to commit Insecurity about the unpredictability of enough to take the initia- man. This insecurity puts themselves to marriage. marriage relationships is not new. If people tive in building a strong a contemporary modern A significant source of the problems of arranged marriages, says the Yalkut Shimoni family life. On the other Orthodox woman in a diffi- single Orthodox men is the trouble they [794] there would be widespread marital hand, they fear “falling cult situation. Some men leave rela- have coming to terms with the cultural violence.Hence, Hashem does the matchmak- under the control”of any tionships just to avoid facing the difficult changes produced by the success of American ing before birth – for first marriages at least. woman they perceive as person- reality that ultimately their sense of their own feminism.In the world of modern Orthodoxy, Rashi’s comment on the phrase ezer k’negdo ally powerful enough to actually succeed in masculinity can never be entirely validated by the influence of American feminism has [Bereishit 2:18] – “ If the man merits, she will playing this role within the family. Without their mate, but must largely come from with- primarily played itself out in two areas. First, be a helper; if he does not merit, she will be even realizing it,they test for a “safe”marriage in themselves. for some Orthodox men, the increasing against him.”– is hardly reassuring. After all, by undermining the power of prospective demand by Orthodox women for a redistribu- who can rely on his own merit? There is female marriage partners. If they fail to gain MA’ALIN BA’KODESH: tion of power in intimate attachments and nothing new in a man fearing that he will end control in this way,they leave the relationship. Holy Step by Holy Step family life has raised complex control issues up with a wife who berates or humiliates him. If they persist in trying, the woman leaves. In my experience, Orthodox dating with and reduced their expectation of safety in As modern Orthodox women have become In addition, yeshiva education does not its negotiated personal attachments – think marriage.Second, as changing gender roles in increasingly socially and economically suc- seem to have helped Orthodox men deal with shidduchim, “job descriptions”, “deal break- the wider American society have changed cessful and independent, it has become hard- their fascination with and fear of female ers”, telescoped dating time tables and sexuality. On the one hand, many Orthodox nearly irresolvable questions of sexuality, men want and actively search for satisfying control and guilt – only aggravates matters. Mixed Blessings continued sexual experiences with women. On the other Although both parties arrive as autonomous hand, they need to control the expression of going to have some nachas?” But “if God a true bracha.I suspect the latter to be true in individuals, it is primarily the woman who is sexuality in women in order to avoid experi- expected to surrender her fully independent wills it, it should happen” – a perfectly frum most cases. encing the fear that they cannot appropriately theological blessing. I realized the discussion For some reason, many are under the status once the deal is made. In fact, for some control their own sexual impulses. For many men, no deal can really erase the fear that his wasn’t going anywhere, so I dropped the impression that singles have no feelings: men, their anxiety about lack of sexual subject. one can mockingly throw out an IYH with presently autonomous female negotiating self-control leads to a fear that women will partner will in fact retain – or worse give up Since then, I’ve asked several people if little regard to a person’s struggles. We have use their sexuality to control or them. there is a difference between saying IYH to a created a cultural hazing process that only now but later rediscover – the independence As one man put it to me, “any woman with she showed during the negotiating process. single person looking to get married or a ends when one gets married. Apparently, enough sexual power to rock my world might married person who is trying to have it’s only then that a person’s private life is Of course, Orthodox dating could allow also wreck it.” We can see why such a fear intimate attachments to develop gradually. children. Both deal with highly personal and “off limits”from the teases of the community. makes it hard to commit to marriage. emotional struggles, yet IYH is socially So before you throw out another “IYH by Relationships would begin with interest and attraction and, as increasing friendship acceptable in one context and apparently you” – even as a joke – first think about how AL KEN YA’AZOV ISH: reviled in another. it’s going to be received by the other person. blends with romantic attraction, move on to a In my highly unscientific study, I found It’s possible they might not be offended, and Boys Becoming Men? yet deeper level of caring that would make it that most women instinctively notice a differ- it’s possible that they might accept it whole- Leaving ones family of origin and creating possible to take the personal risks that are ence between the two situations, but few heartedly.But it’s also possible that you could a new family of ones own requires the part of a commitment to a lifetime of could articulate what that would be. One strike a sensitive nerve and add more to a transfer or expansion of intimate attachments intimacy. I think that the cultural changes person related to me stories of friends of hers person’s anguish. If you’re not sure yourself, formed in childhood. While all of us enter I have discussed would be more comfortably who have struggled with miscarriages and think about whether you would say it to marriage with “baggage” from our childhood handled if, rather than negotiating their fertility clinics, emphasizing the myriad of a married couple that is trying to have family, most men enter with “patriarchal bag- marriages, Orthodox men and women let problems that couples face. Since one never children. gage”. In its most stereotypical form, this their personal commitments gradually grow knows what a couple goes through, even an The point is that maybe it’s time to baggage makes it seem “natural” to them that out of their intensifying feelings for each IYH could prove to be traumatic. re-evaluate commonly accepted phrases. men are the head of the family, make the other. Maybe, the experience of genuine trust money and make the important decisions and in a relationship can provide the sense of ______Maybe we’re actually hurting people with I words which aren’t as well intentioned as that women are expected to cook, clean and safety that contracts cannot. they sound. Maybe we should take the time take care of the children. The more stereotyp- ...it’s possible that you could ically patriarchal the baggage, the harder it is Rabbi Tsvi Blanchard is the director of to think about how our words affect other organizational development at the National Jewish strike a sensitive nerve and people, even when they’re socially condi- to cope with the shifts in gender roles that have been occurring in American society.This Center for Learning and Leadership. He holds add more to a person’s anguish. tioned. Ph.D.’s in philosophy and clinical psychology. ______Maybe if we start empathizing with other problem is only exacerbated for Orthodox people, we can collectively develop a strong I do not wish to minimize the struggles supportive community which would extend IN THE CURRENT CLIMATE, that people go through in either area. My beyond the dating world and into every facet problem is in the hypocrisy. If you truly of social interaction. WHERE THE FLEETING NATURE OF LIFE I believe that IYH is a bracha and will be Im yirtzeh Hashem by us all. IS SO APPARENT, IT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER accepted as such, then there should be no Rabbi Josh Yuter is currently studying TO HELP PEOPLE FIND SHARED HAPPINESS AND distinction based on the circumstance. If you Sociology of Religion at the University of Chicago; find it offensive in some cases, then that his blogs can be read at http://yutopia.yucs.org A SENSE OF BELONGING. – Rabbi Josh Joseph would indicate that you don’t really believe it’s

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CONCLUSION: Troubled Transitions –

A Statement by The Orthodox Caucus A Challenge and an Opportunity

e recognize that a subtle balance lies’ tables alongside their married siblings, people to meet. Encourage the community FOR ALL OF US: Wneeds to be struck between validat- and they should not be abandoned by their as a whole to be involved in these issues. In the current climate, where the fleeting married friends. We must actively examine ing the lifestyles and choices of unmarried TO THE SINGLES: nature of life is so apparent, it is more socialization and dating practices: are sin- Jews, while simultaneously promoting an Don’t wait until you are married to be important than ever to help people find gles today adopting unhealthy, self-defeat- awareness and appreciation of the impor- involved in religious life: become active shared happiness and a sense of belonging. ing habits? With the increasing array of vir- tance of married and family life. We must in your community and confront the Perhaps if we all modeled an appreciation tual dating options,avenues exist today that all understand the complexities of single challenges and difficulties that are present- for life then we wouldn’t have to worry were not available in years past; but just life, which may be transitional or perma- ed by the confluence of relationships,career about solutions to loneliness and lack of because one door opens, does not mean we nent: many people postpone marriage for a and religion. Be open to the reality of fulfillment. This is not just a message for should close another.Events should be con- variety of reasons – education, financial the choices before you. Create your own singles: it is for parents AND children; ducive for people to meet one another: be it independence, career changes – and there- opportunities for dating. Be open-minded. husbands AND wives; boyfriends AND a wedding, or a lecture or social volun- fore expectations must change. Remember that at the core of a marriage is . teerism, we as a community, should not TO THE COMMUNITY: a relationship.Dating should not be about a Hashem gives us all challenges in life; if we unnecessarily segregate the sexes. Single people should be respected as whole checklist of characteristics in a potential fight them we can’t but lose. It is about how individuals with interests and accomplish- TO THE LEADERSHIP: mate, but about whether you can share a we react to those challenges and whether ments apart from their marital or dating Empower single people to be more involved moment, share an experience, and talk we can turn them into opportunities: for status. They should be embraced by the in community life; they are a source of cre- comfortably with the other person. Sure, choice, for growth, for life. ativity, productivity, support, and energy you may have differences, but are they community, included at Shabbat meals, on What will you do about it? Boards of institutions and as dinner hon- that should be fully appreciated in all areas irreconcilable? Relationships require flexi- orees.They should be made to feel welcome of Jewish life. In addition, provide informal bility to handle the inevitable curves life at community social events and their fami- settings and natural venues for single will bring.

TOP 10 THINGS a guy should NOT SUGGESTIONS: say on the phone with a potential first date Here are just a few of the ways the OC plans to follow up to catalyze the community to act and how you can get involved: by Michele Herenstein I Talk about these issues with your friends and family. #10 Don’t always bring the conversation #5 Don’t begin the conversation by saying, I back to you. If you ask us a ques- “I will have to go soon because my favorite Send letters to the editors of your local papers. 10tion, at least pretend to be interested 5 TV show is starting.”You’re better off fudging I Open your homes to singles on Shabbat and Yom Tov. in our answer. the truth and saying that you have to go meet I #9 Let’s not forage into Jewish geogra- your chavruta.We’ll have more respect for you. Start an event for your shul or community where people can Or News Flash: call when you actually have a meet one another. phy.We don’t need to know who you 9 know, from where you know them, few minutes to chat! I Be mindful of language.We should be careful to use sensitivity and why.We just want to get to #4 Don’t ask if our mothers, sisters, sisters-in-law, when we speak. know YOU. 4 and friends cover their hair and only wear skirts.WE are not THEM.What we do reli- I Start a big brother/ big sister program in your synagogue, in which 8#8 Don’t ask us how old we are. If it’s so important to find this out, please do giously is done independent of our family kids of single parent families have a “buddy”to sit with in shul. so before the conversation. Some and friends. Remember, please focus on us. I Become a thoughtful matchmaker. Set up single people on dates. women are not comfortable #33 Sexual innuendoes are not appropriate for divulging their ages. a first phone call. Period! I Establish workshops for informal matchmaking at your synagogue. #77 Don’t tell us what a great catch you #2 Do not discuss your ex-girlfriends.Your I Encourage schools, parents, shuls to focus on social education for are. Show it by being a good listener, experiences are probably fascinating, but adults and children. Utilize the growing library of books on communicator, and by being a 2 we really could do without hearing about communication skills. mensch on the phone. them.We don’t want to become your next “ex-”story! I Encourage the community to examine segregation of sexes at #66 Don’t read off the checklist that your Rabbi gave you. Relax and con- #1 Do NOT ask us why we aren’t married yet! communal events and personal simchas. verse. The best way to get to know 1 That is a RUDE and impertinent question. I Visit our website www.orthosingles.org and participate in the someone is to chat and see if there’s And hey, aren’t you calling us because you ongoing search for solutions. an ease of conversation. The place aren’t married either? We sure hope that’s to find out facts is on the date. the case.

______The Orthodox Caucus disclaims responsibility for omissions or errors made in the editing process or due to layout restrictions. No portion of this publication may be copied, retransmitted, reposted, duplicated or otherwise used without the express written approval of The Orthodox Caucus. © 2004 Orthodox Caucus. All rights reserved. KOL: 15

KOL Singles Insert 9/21/04 5:50 PM Page 16

The Orthodox Caucus would like to thank the following sponsors: THANK YOU

www.endthemadness.org www.frumster.com www.sawyouatsinai.com

BELLOWS COMMUNICATIONS [email protected] www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com 212.932.3790 www.isralight.org

Rabbi Isaac Elchanan RABBINICAL COUNCIL OF AMERICA Theological Seminary www.rabbis.org (RIETS) Rabbinic Alumni www.yu.edu www.eden2000.org

SPECIAL THANKS: The Orthodox Caucus would like to thank the contributing authors as well as the Ê following people for their tireless dedication to this project and to the singles ABOUT YOU: issue in general: Rabbi Shmuel Goldin for his vision and leadership; the time and Name ______effort contributed by Rabbi Moshe Bellows, Michael Feldstein, Marc Goldmann and Lisa Low; Rabbi Ari Berman, Dr. Norma Baumel Joseph, Jennie Rosenfeld, Email Address ______Rabbi Gidon Rothstein, Jordana Schoor, Malka Harris Susswein and the many Phone (optional) ______people who submitted their thoughts, ideas and personal stories to this project; The Caucus would also like to acknowledge Anonymous, Gabrielle and Daniel Marital Status (optional)______Altman, Yael Joseph, Gary Magder, Gary Rosenblatt, Lori Schlussel, Ina Tropper and Rich Waloff for their help; Lisa Glazer for her editorial expertise; and Comments______Simone Spiegel of Flying Mouse Design for her artistry and creativity. ______

AT THE OC, we believe in taking a proactive approach to the ______challenges facing contemporary Orthodox Jews. Our unique coalition ______of rabbis, professionals and lay leaders combines halachic responses with communal implementation to propel our community to action. ______ORTHODOX CAUCUS: Would you like to receive email updates on our projects? I Yes I No Board of Trustees Joseph Feit Rabbi Haskel Lookstein DONATIONS: Fred Ehrman, Chairman Allen Friedman Lisa Low Rabbi Shmuel Goldin Matthew J. Maryles Checks should be made payable to: The Orthodox Caucus Rabbi Josh Joseph, Rena Septee Goldstein Rabbi Adam Mintz Credit Card Information: I v I M I A Executive Director Eric S. Goldstein Gilad Ottensoser Rabbi Kenneth Auman Shulamith Goldstein Rabbi Dale Polakoff Card number ______Rabbi Moshe Bellows Ira Green Dr. Heschel Raskas Shael Bellows Rabbi Kenneth Hain Philip Rosen Name on card______Exp. date______Dr. Giti Bendheim Rabbi Basil Herring Jordana Schoor Signature______Dr. David Berger Rabbi Robert S. Hirt Jeremy Schwalbe Rabbi Heshie Billet Lawrence A. Kobrin Dr. David Shatz Donate online at www.ocweb.org Rabbi Yosef Blau Dr. Norman Lamm Moshael Straus The Orthodox Caucus is a 501-c3 non-profit organization. Perry Davis Yoni Leifer Malka Harris Susswein All donations are tax deductible. Allen Fagin Marcel Lindenbaum Rabbi Tzvi H. Weinreb Judith Feder Nathan J. Lindenbaum Lauryn Weiser THE ORTHODOX CAUCUS OUR VISION includes an awareness of our responsibilities toward 70 Carman Ave, Cedarhurst, NY 11516 all Jews and sensitivity to the demands and needs of society at large. phone: 516 569 5977 fax: 516 569 5897 OWE FCACE UP The OC serves as a catalyst for discussion; and devises new strategies for TO TOUGH ISSUES [email protected] www.ocweb.org dealing with issues confronting halachic Jews in contemporary society.