TheHealthy

Keys to a Successful MarriageHandbook

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE TEAMWORK! Establishing a marriage mission Helpful marriage resources How well do you GOT TOUGH ISSUES? know your spouse? TAKE THE QUIZ ON PG. 10 How to build a Healthy Stepfamily ARCHIVEYOU CAN DO IT ALL! Myths about How to Manage 4domestic money, children, violence in-laws & MORE! TheHealthy Handbook Support for this handbook was provided by The Alabama Department of Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention/ The Children’s Trust Fund • Center for Children, Youth, and Families, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Auburn University • Alabama Cooperative Extension System • The Family Assistance Division, Alabama Department of Human Resources

Project Managers – Carol Whatley and Glenda Freeman, Alabama Cooperative Extension System Editor – Joanna Acorn Corley Graphic Design – Mary Ferguson

Written and compiled by Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D., CFLE Director, Center for Children,Youth, and Families, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Auburn University, Extension Specialist, Alabama Cooperative Extension System

Brian Higginbotham, Ph.D. Assistant Professor and Extension Specialist, Utah State University David Schramm, Ph.D. State Specialist, Assistant Professor, University of Missouri-Columbia Amber Paulk, M.S. Center for Children Youth and Families, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Auburn University

Acknowledgments: We gratefully acknowledge our colleagues in other states who are working to build strong, healthy marriages in their communities and who were willing to support our efforts and share informa- tion and materials for this handbook. Most notably, portions of this handbook are adapted from “Marriage Matters: A Guide for Louisiana Couples” and “Raising Your Child Together: A Guide for Unmarried Parents” produced by the Louisiana Department of Social Services; “Intentional Harmony” by Angela Wiley, Univer- sity of Illinois Extension, www.worklife.uiuc.edu; and from “Saying I Do: Consider the Possibilities” by James Marshall, Utah State University (www.utahmarriage.org).

We also acknowledge the following individuals and organizations for their assistance and support: • The Honorable Governor Bob Riley and Mrs. Patsy Riley • Marian Loftin, Executive Director, and Paul Smelley, Deputy Director, Alabama Children’s Trust Fund • Carol Gundlach, Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence ARCHIVE• Dana Reichert Congratulations!

You’ve made a commitment to join in marriage with a very special someone. Marriages happen in different ways and at dif- ferent times for different people. You may be young, middle-aged, or a senior. This may be your first marriage or your second or third. You may have children, or you may be gaining a stepchild. You may get married in a home, a church, a synagogue, a mosque, or a courthouse. While no two marriages look exactly alike, all people enter marriage with similar hopes. You want your marriage to be successful, happy, and long-lasting. You want to be friends, lovers, and partners for life. You have a vision of taking care of each other as you grow older and being there for each other through life’s ups and downs. • Something you may realize already is that strong, healthy, long-lasting marriages don’t just happen on their own. They happen when two people are intentional about their marriage. That means each person makes an effort to build strong bonds with his or her spouse and work together so that each feels valued, supported, and connected. A healthy, happy marriage and family life are great for you and for your children. As you enter into this new phase of your life, there are things you can do to help create the kind of marriage and family life everyone hopes for. • Did you know there’s information available that can help you build a healthy marriage? Although some people have seen wonderful examples of healthy marriages and have learned a lot from watching other couples, others may not have seen great relationships or may not fully realize what it is that builds strong marriages even if they have seen them. • Did you know there’s been a lot of research about the kinds of things that people do that lead to ARCHIVEstrong, long-lasting marriages? This handbook is designed to share some of that information with you. Some of this might confirm what you’re doing already; some of this might be new, helpful information. We hope that you will:

Read this handbook and discuss it with your spouse. Try out some of the tips in the weeks, months, and years ahead. • Save this handbook and look at it from time to time, especially when questions or difficult situations come up in your relationship. • Check out the publications, resources, and Web sites suggested in this handbook. They can provide additional information about topics in this guide. • Participate in premarital preparation before you marry or in marriage education programs at any time in your marriage. These programs teach valu- able tips, skills, and attitudes that form the founda- tion for good relationships. Both men and women find these programs very helpful—and enjoyable! • Seek help for your marriage if you experience trouble. Not all marriages can or should be saved, but many can be. Don’t wait until your situation is very serious before getting help. • There are many agencies, organizations, and individuals in your state who care about you and your efforts to build a strong and lasting marriage. Healthy marriages and healthy families create healthy communities—something we all want. We wish you all the best and hope that this guide is ARCHIVEhelpful in your journey. Keys to a Successful Marriage

pg. 5 How you think & what you do How You Think ……………………5 What You Do ………………………10

your Managing marriage pg. 19 Money ……………………19 Work & Family ………………………21

Home & House-Care Responsibilities………………………23 Children ………………………25 In-Laws ………………………28 pg. 31 Special Topics Remarriages Myths & Realities ……………………31 Strategies for Stepparenting ………………………32 Coparenting with Expartners ………………………35 pg. 39

Issuesthathurtrelationships Substance Abuse, Gambling, & Other Addictions ……………………39 Mental Health Problems ………………………39 Sexual Infidelity ………………………39 ARCHIVEDomesticViolence About Domestic Violence ……………………41 pg. 41 Myths & Facts ………………………42 Where to Get Help ………………………43 Resources Recommended Resources ………………………44 Healthy Marriage Handbook How you think & what you do

1ARCHIVE How You Think •  True False Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

expectations expectations you may have. may you any unrealistic unrealistic any

Tip #1 • Recognize Tip son who focuses on the positives rather than the the than rather positives the focuses on who son often giving them the benefit of the doubt—have of benefit doubt—have the the giving them often . What do you you do What . behave you how to lead can ation expect in your marriage? What do you expect of you do What marriage? expect in your people who have more realistic expectations and and expectations realistic more have who people perfect, happiness in marriage is higher for a per- for is higher in marriage happiness perfect, relationship. spouse and in his her or negatives more satisfying marriages. Because no person is person no Because marriages. satisfying more your spouse? Have you thought about it? it? about thought you spouse? Have your Remember, too, that how you think about a situ- about think you how that too, Remember, who think about their partners in positive ways— ways— in positive partners their about think who strong feelings of connection, caring, and respect respect and caring, of feelings connection, strong after you see in the movies. All couples have have couples All movies. see in the you after manage them. Couples who stay together learn learn together stay who Couples them. manage real, into movie-star love romantic, turn to how love. mature committed, lasting, highs and lows in passionate feelings. Mature Mature feelings. in passionate lows highs and as described is better and grow to time takes love differences and disagreements. The issue is not is Theissue disagreements. and differences for the other person. person. other the for Try this exercise. Try For number 4, long-lasting love experiences some some experiences love long-lasting 4, number For Marriage is much more than the happily ever ever happily the than more is much Marriage whether you have disagreements but how you you how but disagreements have you whether ARCHIVE

1. Because we are in love we should never disagree. should never we in love are Because we 1. it. to say having without my and feeling what I’m thinking My spouse should know 2. the worse). the better or for change (for My spouse will never 3. spouse. my for passionate feelings those exciting, feel I will always 4. Indicate whether you think the following statements are true or false. statements are Indicate whether you think the following of partnership. your beliefs and unrealistic expectations often feel feel often expectations unrealistic and beliefs you have upon entering entering upon have you The expectations riage. a positive having and as a couple, relationship their expectations go unmet. On the other hand, hand, other the On unmet. go expectations their you make to your your to make you commitment the marriage, frustration, anger, and dissatisfaction when when dissatisfaction and anger, frustration, all have a great bearing on the success success the on bearing a great all have attitude How you think affects the quality of mar- quality your the affects think you How People who enter marriage with unrealistic unrealistic with marriage enter who People Expectations Expectations How You Think Think You How spots, in most cases, people can change for the the for change can people cases, in most spots, shows that people who strongly hold these expec- these hold strongly who people that shows with with wrong nothing There’s being. human another feeling. or thinking you’re what know to able rough some hit you when remember, And grow. better with support, love, and encouragement. and love, support, with better part of being in a relationship with with of part is a normal in a relationship being Some recom- relationships. healthy for important then you’re on track—they are all false. Research Research all false. are track—they on you’re then marriages. their in satisfied less usually are tations mendations are offered in the next section. next the in offered are mendations quite good at it, mind-reading is a rare skill. skill. is a rare mind-reading it, good at quite for managing disagreements and conflict are very are conflict and managing disagreements for your marriage if you have disagreements. Skills disagreements. if have marriage you your and change do and can people 3, number For For number 2, although a few people might be might people a few although 2, number For If you thought, “These statements are unrealistic,” unrealistic,” are statements “These thought, If you conflict having 1 above, number to reference In

A person can love you deeply and still not be not still and deeply you love can person A do & what you you what &  • How You Think Healthy MarriageHandbook People enter marriage with very specific expecta- findsome interesting very differences! rately, and then compare your answers. You might tions and beliefs about how things should work and who should do what. Have you talked about some of these? Completesome of this questionnaire sepa- ae otc /wf’ xeddfml Makes contactw/ wife’s extendedfamily Makes contact w/ husband’s extended family Is spiritualleader Initiates socialactivities Initiates recreation Resolves conflict Initiates sex Initiates affection MARITAL ROLES Transports children to schoolandactivities Maintains family car shops Grocery Runs errands FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES Instructs children inbeliefs Decides family spiritualitypractices Decides level ofchurch involvement SPIRITUALITY When tohave additional children How tospendfamily income When toremodel house When topurchase car DECISIONS Plans family budget Pays bills Does bookkeeping FINANCES Attends parent/teacher conferences Teaches family values Helps withschoolwork Gives guidanceanddiscipline Teaches sexeducation YOUTH (Present orFuture) &CHILDCARE Outdoor (lawn, garden, etc.) Indoor (cleaning, dusting, etc.) HOUSEHOLD TASKS ARCHIVE Who doesthetaskslistedbelow?

Husband Only Wife Only Tip #2•Share your expectations with Husband w/ Wife each other. Husband Wife w/ Both Sure Not dren Chil- How You Think •  Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys your marriage. your shared mission for for mission shared Tip #4 • Establish a #4 • Establish Tip statement. What do you as a couple believe, want, want, believe, as a couple you do What statement. discuss spouse, your With value? and support, and your spouse share very different in views different very spouse share your and of sort some to be wise come may it to area, any with comfortable both are you that agreement a good idea to do this for your marriage. Think marriage. your for this do to a good idea mission in your want personally you what about ences, try to work for common ground. Keep in Keep ground. common for work try to ences, mission a mission have organizations and companies It’s employees. and customers to commitments before you get married. Where there are differ- are there Where married. get you before both lose. Strive for solutions that satisfy both both satisfy that solutions for Strive lose. both behaviors, choices, and use of time are consistent use of consistent and are time choices, behaviors, harmony in your marriage. If you find that you you that find If you marriage. in your harmony throughout your marriage. You may even want want even may You marriage. your throughout spouse your and you where in a place it hang to daily your whether evaluate and together members of your marriage “team.” of marriage members your of (and page bottom the the at questions the up come see if can and you ofthink others), some mind that in marriage, when one spouse loses, spouse loses, one when in marriage, that mind , which states their purpose, goals, and and goals, purpose, their states which , statement Consider using this statement as a guide statement this using Consider will regularly see it. From time to time, read it it read time, to time From see it. will regularly another. one to commitment your with with a mission statement for your marriage. your for statement a mission with Think, too, about your broader goals. Many Many goals. broader your about too, Think,

We

to to Me Our Mission Statement ARCHIVE asteam. a • • relationship? relationship? How will we will we How What do we What do we What will we What will we do to keep our do to keep want out of this want out of this treat each other? treat Tip #3 • Think of • Think #3 Tip relationship strong? relationship share with your spouse your expectations, hopes, hopes, expectations, spouse your your with share as deciding whether and when to have children, children, have to when and whether as deciding in your what’s talk about to Failure desires. and you agreement more The disappointment. and of expecta- in terms your spouse have your and ently. Whether it be something as as small who be it something Whether ently. other when one of you faces a challenge. You’ll You’ll a challenge. of faces one when you other of you. and your spouse as of team. part same your the and tions and beliefs, the greater your chances for for chances your greater the beliefs, and tions heart and mind can quickly lead to frustration frustration to lead quickly can mind and heart purpose in coming together as a married couple. couple. as a married together inpurpose coming have had different experiences, and think differ- and experiences, different had have have lots of hurdles and challenges to face in life. in life. face to challenges and of lots hurdles have feel you make that in ways behave to likely more each support You’ll connected. more and more two the between trust build that choices make lead to a healthy marriage is to adopt a commit- adopt is to marriage a healthy to lead , which means that you consider you you consider you that means which , ment attitude Commitment – From From – Commitment you think should take out the trash or as or large trash the out take should think you your expectations as well as your goals and and goals as as expectations well your your Part of thinking as a team means talking about of talking about means as a team thinking Part If you think of yourselves as part of a team, you’re you’re as of part a team, of think yourselves If you you and your spouse your and you Another important part of thinking in ways that that of part in ways thinking important Another You and your spouse grew up in different families, families, in different up spouse grew your and You You’re in this together now—and most people people now—and most together in this You’re  • How You Think Healthy MarriageHandbook Think youabout how would respond in the follow- Attitudes Was that your firstinstinct? Did youfind that It should easyto be seethat when you think In these each scenarios, of you could easily People healthy in relationships and marriages ing scenarios share with yourspouse, and then your focus onfocus the positives and trust each other, giving likely to actmore positively with your spouse. more positively about asituation, you’re more thoughts with him orthoughts her. there’s amore also positive way each to think of the other person thethe doubt. benefit of of the scenarios?of choose to feel slighted, ignored, or frustrated.

“She wanted metorestaspossible!” asmuch “Something must havekept herattheoffice; I’ll betshe’s upsetthatshe’s runninglate!” “How thoughtfulthathedidn’twake me!” the othersideofto “What awonderful, involved dadheis!” and find your spouseplaying outside “I hopeeverything’s alright; it’s notlike You comehometoamessykitchen Y Your spouseleaves early for work and your spouseisstillnothome. “How wonderfulthatshetakes time ou ha

without wakingyou and him tokeep mewaiting!” to nurture thechildren!”to nurture ve a6:00p.m. dinnerdateon ARCHIVEtelling you goodbye. with thekids. or or or • • • • wn. It’s now 5:4,

In such cases, about talking your frustrations and People typically respond better to praise than Even though it might seemthat how you think you to give your the spouse the doubt. benefit of your thinking and decide to have amore positive first time he or she does remember to call. But what if youBut what gave if your the spouse benefit of wrong, to try notice and comment when your deciding together how to change the situation the doubt and you were wrong? When you’ve pointing out when something does aspouse reinforce the positives. Instead constantly of the other, and the you other need to of will is important.is you need One to of will on focus askill thatis leads to greater happiness and to criticism. been letbeen down frequently, it may difficult be for changing some behaviors that are distressful to or she constantly forgets to call when behind attitude about your spouse. Learning to do this about asituation, happens just you can control satisfaction marriage. in schedule, doing try something really nice the something does spouse . right For example, he if Tip #5•Give your spouse thespouse benefit of the doubt.of How You Think •  Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

your marriage. your

on the positives in positives the on your spouse and in spouse and your Tip #6 • Focus more more #6 • Focus Tip ARCHIVE 7 9 8 5 6 3 1 2 4 like about your spouse. Write them down here, and Write your spouse. about like be some things about your spouse that drive drive spouse that your about things be some negatives in your relationship overshadow the the overshadow relationship in your negatives 10 positives. frustrated with something about your spouse. about something with frustrated come back to them the next time you find yourself to them back youcome theyourself time find next you crazy, so it’s very important to not let the the let not to important very so it’s crazy, you Let’s face it, no one is perfect! There will always willalways is There perfect! one no it, face Let’s Take a minute to brainstorm 10 things you really you really 10 things brainstorm to a minute Take 10 Great Things About My Spouse! About My Things 10 Great 10 • What You Do Healthy MarriageHandbook What You Do Maintaining & Growing Your Friendship It should come little as surprise that couples In addition to thinking ways in that support and with some effort. with astrong friendship quite naturally handle ful in maintaining in ful and growing your friendship however, can these build in skills areas everyone more naturally for some people than for others; make doing ahabit certain of things that keep their friendship, their commitment, and their positive feelings for each other. The following are their conflictsbetter. Couples are often very good throughout your life together. in the beginning of their marriage thein of at beginning doing the kinds of things that of kinds enhance their friendship and build the relationship, people healthy in marriages connection strong. these behaviors of Some come suggestions that are fairly simple but very power- * Adapted from Gottman My spousetrustsme. I trustmy spouse. I feel like my spouseknows mepretty well. I know my spouse’s favorite and leastfavorite relatives. familiarwithmyI amvery spouse’s religious beliefs. I know someofmy spouse’s life dreams. ARCHIVEI know thenamesofpeoplethat have irritated my spouserecently. I know thethingsthatcurrently causemy spousestress. I know my spouse’s ideal placetolive. I know whatmy spouse’s idealjobwould be. I know whatmy spousewould doifheorshewon thelottery. I know my spouse’s mostembarrassing moment. I know my spouse’s moststressful childhoodevent. I know my spouse’s favorite movie. I know my spouse’s favorite typeofmusic. False I cannamemy spouse’s bestfriends. Test how True well you know your spouse by answering the following true or false questions. , forThe Seven Making Marriage Principles Work, 1999 The more is the a spouse aware theof details of You may things know about alot your of spouse Knowing your well spouse leads to astrong your can spouse positively affect your marriage. friendship—the true key to along-lasting, healthy marriage. likes, and dislikes), the better the marriage. other person’s world or her stressors, (his hopes, already, but always striving to more deeply know Tip #7•Frequently thoughts, feelings, ask your spouse and experiences. about or her his What You Do • 11 Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

Exercise 1 Exercise in spouse your to goodbye saying Before one important learn about the morning, that or her life in his happening thing that’s of inattention the habit This will break day. strangers. turns couples into that eventually 2 minutes per day 2 Exercise discussing the by after work Decompress will This day. parts of your most stressful spilling over job frustration from prevent joys your Also share home life. into your spouse’s your When it’s and successes. advice. to give the urge resist turn to talk, under- you and say be supportive Instead, and the joys Be a cheerleader for stand. the challenges. 20 minutes per day 3 Exercise spouse your tell spontaneously Once a day, something he or she has appreciate you a certain quality in admire done or that you him or her. 5 minutes per day 4 Exercise by outside the bedroom affection Show kissing or touching. occasionally 5 minutes per day 5 Exercise when you just like Plan a date once a week, of Go someplace—just the two single. were other. with each get reacquainted you—and at least 2 hoursOnce a week for report amazing results! report amazing ies, there are some daily relationship exercises exercises relationship daily some are there ies, try and them. Couples the on refrigerator, exercises Try these. Post these these Post these. Try marriages. strong build that As daily physical exercise builds strong bod- builds strong exercise physical daily As ARCHIVE you care. you how much much how daily Tip #8 • Show your your • Show #8 Tip spouse in small ways spouse in ways small spouse. It will improve your friendship and your your and friendship your willimprove It spouse. are lots more negative behaviors—it’s that they they that behaviors—it’s negative more lots are of love and affection that keep a marriage strong. strong. keep a marriage that affection of and love five are there couples: healthy among a formula commitment to your spouse. Share the answers answers the Share spouse. your to commitment badly feel don’t and spouse, your list with your on the Enjoy other. each with share to opportunity of part a regular it your make and conversation, behaviors and routines that existed in the early early in the existed that routines and behaviors of the questions, you know your spouse fairly spouse fairly your know you of questions, the in the relationship. Often, when couples struggle struggle couples when Often, relationship. in the there that necessarily not it’s in a relationship, part ofpart relationship. their if you didn’t know a lot of things. Use this as this an Use of a lot know things. if didn’t you positive behaviors for every one negative behavior behavior negative every one for behaviors positive thoughtful and kind daily many the lost have that work best. Researchers have even discovered discovered even have Researchers best. work that time together. together. time these and other important questions about your your about questions important other and these well. If not, take some time to find the answers to answers the find to time some take If not, well. Interestingly, it’s not the big, grandiose displays displays grandiose big, the not it’s Interestingly, habits and behaviors positive small, daily, the It’s If you were able to answer true to more than half than more to true answer to able were If you 12 • What You Do Healthy MarriageHandbook The way your family members—those grewyou Check the answers the Check below that best describe your How many times have you heard that? Well, it’s Learning to Communicate your are spouse very important for skills healthy Communication the is key to relationship. agood same communication when What style? happens often aware ofyourand yourspouse’s family patterns original family’soriginal communication Were patterns. you mistakenly thinkwere that you familiar both with the marriages. people Some are really at good this; true. Finding ways to heard be —and to—to listen two people have different of communication?styles patterns communication of you’ve learned. before completing questionnaire? this you Did up with—communicate with each other a has others need to work at it. great influence on how youinteract with your spouse. It can help you both to examine the 1. How would you describethe 4. To whomwould you 3. The conversations inyour 2. Within your family, how do which topics? o Separated o Closed o o o Aparent o o Feelings o o People o Connected o Noone o o Open other? communication? rather talk? the membersfeel toward each family tendtocenteraround

A friend A relative A sibling Ideas Facts

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7. 6. 5. o o Daily o Children o Mother o Resistant o o Very stressful o o o Lateevenings o Varied o Grandparents o o o Father o Gowiththeflow o o Afterschool decisions inthefamily? 8. time togetherinconversation? members gettogethertotalk about concerns? family’s abilitytohandlechange?

How would you describe your When didyour family spend How oftenwould your family Who madethemajor Get angry Never On weekends At mealtime Never Only when there is a problem Several timesaweek

together what areas you

you can communicate

Tip #9• Talk about patterns, and decide will workwill on that so

your differencesin communication more effectively.

12. Dofamily membersvalue 11. Are there topicsathome 10. How would you describethe 9. o o Yes o o Yes o o Yes o Critical o Argumentative o Loud o Quiet disagree withoneanother? each other’s opinions? overall toneoftheconversation that are offlimitsfor discussion? .,and Marriage C. Kamper, The DibbleFund. *Adapted from style inyour family? Are family membersfree to No No No Connections: Relationships

What You Do • 13 Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

saying and feeling. and saying sure that you take take you that sure turns and make an an make and turns effort to really hear hear really to effort with each other, be other, each with what your spouse is your what Tip #10 • In talking #10 • In Tip and feelings, the other spouse should make an an make spouse should other the feelings, and effort to receive and understand the message message the understand and receive to effort being the sender and the receiver. Thisback-and- receiver. the and sender the being is usually the more difficult part for couples. couples. for part difficult more the is usually terns when you’re in conflict. in conflict. you’re when terns that’s being conveyed. One of the easiest ways to to of ways One easiest the conveyed. being that’s life, it will enter into your communication pat- communication your into will it enter life, heard her or him say; for example, him say; or for her heard questions about what he or she has said. she or he what about questions forth kind of communication might feel awkward awkward feel might of kind communication forth of part it make if can but you people, some for facilitate understanding is by asking your spouse your is asking by understanding facilitate your habit of talking with each other in your daily daily in your of other habit each talkingwith your Let your spouse clarify if necessary. Take turns turns Take if spouse clarify Let necessary. your Practice by saying back to your spouse what you you spouse what your to back saying by Practice the information in communication in communication information the Receiving As one spouse communicates his or her thoughts thoughts his her or spouse communicates one As “So what you’re saying is…” saying you’re what “So ARCHIVE

because ______. because ______. because ______. because ______. because ______. because ______. because ______. I am happy that ______that ______I am happy I am excited about ______I am hopeful about ______I am frustrated about ______I am frustrated I am nervous or uneasy about ______I am nervous or uneasy about ______

and there’s a receiver—and both of both things these a receiver—and there’s and everyday life together. For the sender, use “I” use sender, the For together. life everyday tion is like a game of tennis. There’s a sender, a sender, There’s of a game is like tion tennis. have to happen or the ball (the message) will be message) (the ball the or happen to have example: for point, messages to tell your message from your view- your from message your tell to messages dropped (not communicated). communicated). (not dropped Get in the habit of sending and receiving in your in your of receiving habit and sending in the Get It’s important to remember that communica- that remember to important It’s 14 • What You Do Healthy MarriageHandbook A major differencebetween satisfying andunsat- Rate yourself following on the statements. Managing Conflict It’s important to remember that commu- you how No two people agree on absolutely everything, in conflict—can either strengthen your relationship strengthen either in conflict—can o Ireally needtowork onthis! o I’mokay atthis. o I’mreally good atthis! o Ireally needtowork onthis! o I’mokay atthis. o I’mreally good atthis! o Ireally needtowork onthis! o I’mokay atthis. o I’mreally good atthis! o Ireally needtowork onthis! o I’mokay atthis. o I’mreally good atthis! or tear it It’s down. possible for acouple to learn defensive, suchastellingmy feelings ratherthan nicate—how you respond you’renicate—how you when toeach other I willapologize. I speakkindly tomy spouse(nosarcasm or I amnotimmediately defensive whenmy spouse I uselanguagethatwouldn’t putapersononthe healthy ways to disagree and not damage their human relationships in beings have conflict now possible to resolve some problems together. relationship the in process. It may even be has conflict;has is it how the ismanagedconflict . nothing wrong can create major problems. All isfying relationshipsisfying not is whether the couple and then. Conflict doesn’t mean that there’s and avoiding issues or trying to pretend there’s name-calling). brings upanissueorproblem. blaming oraccusing. something wrong with your relationship.

ARCHIVE There different are lots of ways topull back. You To back! push When you’re an in emotionally charged argument, What are some ways to avoid or move this out of He or sheusually doesn’t hard. as push (I’m notjustthinkingaboutwhatI’mgoing tosay It should easyto be understand that attack/ with each other. you’re If attacking, your message How did you do? Why it important is to keep Human are beings defensive by nature. Ask your spouse? Why it important is to not immedi- your words on focused yourself rather than on your to spouse hold up one hand; push your o Ireally needtowork onthis! o I’mokay atthis. o I’mreally good atthis! o Ireally needtowork onthis! o I’mokay atthis. o I’mreally good atthis! down and not try totalkthingsout. down andnottry I stay engagedwithmy spouseanddon’t justshut I take timetolistenwhatmy spouseissaying. defend communicating not is method agood of less likely to respond with strong, emotions. angry hand flathis or against her hand, and watch the trap? First, start asofter use when you have an reaction. What to seems the be natural reaction? in response.in What the does other person do? issue or problem you want to discuss. Anger is notis getting through—the other person too is usually met with anger, you start if with so busy pushing back. emotions that are not strong, so your is spouse conflict level. Push on your spouse’s handagain, either you one of can back pull and reduce the ately respond defensively? can reach out to your emotionally spouse by can intentionally more talk softly and slowly. You next whileheorsheistalking.) and when he or she pushes back, relax your hand

What You Do • 15 Statements that that Statements Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys some kind of kind some

Tip #15 • Express • Express #15 Tip appreciation before before appreciation offering a complaint. a offering

spouse, it’s more likely that it will be too much will it much be too that likely more it’s spouse, strong emotions, you can find something about about something find can you emotions, strong several positive strokes for every one complaint complaint every one for strokes positive several automatically defensive and not hear what you you what hear not and defensive automatically things for wait Don’t appropriate. as soon as it’s forcing a corner, spouse into your back really and are to friends, acquaintances, and even strangers? strangers? even and acquaintances, friends, to are or critique given, making it more likely that the the that likely more it making given, critique or you Have to). (listened will be received complaint does What that? like someone with worked ever be happy with. with. be happy begin with “You better do this or else…” are not not are else…” or this do better “You begin with upset feelings. feelings. upset kind words and phrases to your dialogue with your to phrases and words kind to build up. build to have to say. Say what you’re thinking and feeling feeling and thinking you’re what Say say. to have Theyoptions limit conflict. in resolving helpful of may neither you a choice make to her him or that feel like? Even in the midst of midst and in the conflict Even like? feel that in soothing way a long go can It this. verbalize to feelings and then dump them all at once on your your on once all at them dump then and feelings will she be or he and handle to her him or for Consciously work on adding polite, genuinely genuinely polite, adding on work Consciously your spouse that you appreciate, and you need need you and appreciate, you spouse that your once. at out everything dump then and up filled your spouse, such as “please,” “thank you,” and and you,” “thank “please,” as such spouse, your Do you speak to your spouse with kindness? kindness? spouse with your to speak you Do Isn’t it amazing how kind and polite we we polite and kind how amazing it Isn’t voice. If you carry around your complaints and hard hard and complaints your around carry If you Tip #17 • Avoid ultimatums. Avoid #17 • Tip Tip #16 • Don’t keep things inside until you feel feel you until inside things keep #16 • Don’t Tip Tip #14 • Use kind words and a kind tone of tone a kind and words kind #14 • Use Tip There’s a management style that recommends recommends that style a management There’s “I so appreciate when you….” “I when so appreciate

Starting with “you” “you” with Starting ARCHIVE remember the in hamper.” the towels to put wet bedtime routine.” bedtime much less stressed if you helped with the children’s you the with helped if children’s stressed less much you forgot our anniversary.” our you forgot focused on winning. winning. focused on Be able to apologize. to Be able

soothing to your spouse’s upset feelings. It’s a It’s feelings. upset spouse’s your to soothing spouse strong can fly right out ofhead! your out right fly can spouse strong saying, “You must be feeling…” or by sharing your your sharing by or be feeling…” must “You saying, able when you’re in conflict. If someone becomes If becomes someone in conflict. you’re when able emotions and asking for help. help. for asking and emotions of starting with “you….” of with starting come up with together on a piece of paper, and and of a piece paper, on together with up come behavior, and don’t label the person in a bad way. in a bad person the label don’t and behavior, below that you think are especially important for for important especially are think you that below usually puts the person on the defensive and and defensive the on person the puts usually make that person defensive and upset very very upset and defensive person that make the two of you. Write these rules and others you you others and rules these Write of two the you. will often. see it you somewhere it post too upset, all the wonderful knowledge and skills and knowledge wonderful all the upset, too to find ways to keep the angry emotions manage- angry emotions the keep to ways find to may start to get him or her emotionally upset. emotionally her him get or to start may quickly. See how these are different: are these See how quickly. focus on the behavior. Labeling a person can can Labeling a person behavior. the focus on Communication During Conflict Conflict During Communication very powerful response. powerful very you have to keep your connection with your your with connection your keep to have you Usually, an apology is almost immediately apology an immediately is almost Usually, and and behaviors use soothing to vitally important It’s More Tips for Effective Effective for Tips More Tip #12 • Focus on the specific and current and current specific the on #12 • Focus Tip Tip #11 • Describe your feelings, using “I” instead using feelings, your #11 • Describe Tip With your spouse, put a star by the suggestions suggestions the by a star put spouse, your With “I’d like it if you’d you’d if it like “I’d versus a slob,” such • “You’re that sad “I really versus feel thoughtless,” • “You’re feel “I’d versus never help the with children,” •“You “I” statements can be combined with a specific a specific with be combined can “I” statements Tip #13 • Don’t be so #13 • Don’t Tip 16 • What You Do Healthy MarriageHandbook Also, don’t withhold athreat sex as it or in use Tip #18•Listen to what the other person has Tip #20•State wishesand wants clearly and Tip #22•Don’t fightdirty. Don’t physically, be Tip #21•Don’t sex to use smooth over an Tip #23•Don’t give the silent treatment. The I Need… It not help will you resolve anything and only Don’t assume you know what’s going on or how your feels spouse or thinks. Check and recheck for understanding. directly. Don’t beat around the bush or make your hurt your most spouse effectively. Respect your that can work is W-I-N: When you…I feel. . . turns, and. listen and should view point have of the chance to to say. prolongs the the agony conflict of forboth you. of people the in world, you probably know how to tive. Don’t intentionally say or do things that you understanding each other onissue. adifficult know are upsetting to your spouse. the all Of express it. Don’t interrupt each other. Take emotionally, or verbally abusive or manipula- a manipulative way. after you’ve worked through aconflictwith your argument. spouse, but it’s substitute apoor for really what guess spouse the problem is. A technique silent treatment aggression. quiet aform is of spouse enoughspouse to refrain from dirtyfighting.

Tip #19• Always Each person involved or her his own has perceptions. check your ARCHIVE can agreat making be Sex up part of Tip #26•Use humor. Tip #28• Try writing “I love you!” “I And go ahead and add afourth to that list: Written words don’t carry quite much as emotion Tip #27• When the fightis over,drop it. Tip #25•Don’t take it out on your spouse. Tip #29•Use these important phrases: If you’reIf mad at your sister, don’t yell at your way to to talk your about spouse an issue. with your spouse, but careful be not to make Humor can way agood be to deal with conflictas your feel spouse like he or she the is target. Sometimes it’s necessary to take ashort break to Sometimes direct confrontation not is the best hold on to your anger once an argument over, is long it’s as not sarcastic. Loving humor can break the an argument tension asplit in of second! understand,” you’re“Maybe right,” and sorry.”“I’m breaking your rules for fairfighting. back to the issue, though. Also, up set away to be morebe to listen willing to what you’ve written. call a foul if your fightingcall afoul begins spouse dirty if or thingscool get heated. down if sure Be to come even if it wasn’teven if resolved the way you wanted. and forget. Don’t keep bringing up the fight or as spokenas words sometimes do. Your may spouse spouse. You can share your sad or feelings angry

time-outs and fouls. time-outs down your feelings. Tip #24•Call “Now I Forgive

What You Do • 17

Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

stonewalling. contempt, and and contempt,

for the big red flags: flags: red big the for Tip #30 • Be on alert alert #30 • Be on Tip Many of these tips are from “Saying I Do: Consider the I Do: “Saying from of these tips are Many For Marshall and used with permission. J. by Possibilities” and tips see www.utahmarriage.org. information additional criticism, defensiveness, defensiveness, criticism, to a relationship. It to a relationship. ARCHIVE percent of cases) 85 percent 999. , 1 , tner (the man in simply tunes out. He doesn’t care; he care; He doesn’t tunes out. simply Stonewalling to hear. appear even doesn’t a deadly It represents last. arrives usually disconnection. Stonewalling one no hope of progress, When there’s par Contempt negativity leads to conversa- much Too and mockery. cynicism, tions full of sarcasm, Contempt is poisonous at any away and it eats disgust, conveys in the relationship. good Defensiveness Defensiveness it might seem to a complaint, In response But rather than yourself. natural to defend usually this response defuse the attack, of a way is really Defensiveness escalates it. in effect, saying, You’re spouse. blaming your you.” it’s me, isn’t “The problem Criticism Criticism complain- between a big difference There’s on complaint focuses A ing and criticizing. “I’m angryyou such as a specific behavior, But clothes in the hamper.” put your didn’t the next step and assigns a a criticism goes so lazy!” “You’re such as character trait,

snipe at one’s spouse will occur at some point spouse will point some at occur one’s at snipe stonewalling can sneak into even the best best the even into sneak can stonewalling attention to the following four behaviors, which which behaviors, four following the to attention and destructive be especially to considered are effort is not made to stop these behaviors, they these behaviors, stop to made not is effort becomes of that a cycle negativity create of relationships. Undoubtedly, an occasional occasional an Undoubtedly, of relationships. in the marriage, but be on alert—if be on but a conscious marriage, in the stop. to difficult and destructive increasingly predictive of marital failure. of failure. marital predictive Marriage Work Marriage Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and and contempt, defensiveness, Criticism, Throughout your marriage, pay particular particular pay marriage, your Throughout The Big Red Flags Flags Red Big The The Seven Principles Making The Seven for Gottman, from Adapted * Healthy Marriage Handbook your Managing marriage

2ARCHIVE Managing / Money • 19

Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

_____ religion _____ religion _____ education _____ vacation money _____ saving business _____ our own _____ jewelry _____ family _____ health _____ cultural events _____ sports _____ job success _____ food _____ insurance _____ lots of money _____ friends car _____ new off debts _____ pay _____ clothes _____ entertainment _____ boat _____ other?

by things that are not important to you. After you’ve you’ve to you. After important not are that things by that are most important to you. Put a 2 by the a 2 by to you. Put important most are that a 3 and important you consider somewhat things completed the your partner ask list, the to do same. completed Read over the list below. Put a 1 beside the things the things a 1 beside Put over below. the list Read ARCHIVE start is talking to each other about your values for for values your about other each istalking to start spending. often involves differing values and goals between goals between and values differing involves often are different and value different things. The deep- The things. different value and different are from grow Values “values.” as known good are and and tasks. One issue that all couples deal with with deal all couples that issue One tasks. and skills when facing certain challenges. challenges. certain facing skills when doing and given a $100 bill, they would most likely spend it it spend likely most would they bill, a $100 given values. based your on make—choices to continue you. to important is most what express partners. partners. in entirely different ways. Why? Because people people Because Why? ways. different in entirely is how to handle money. An important place to to place important An money. handle to is how reason why many couples argue about money money argue about couples many why reason personal experiences. You have made—and will have You experiences. personal rooted beliefs you have about what is desirable is desirable what about have you beliefs rooted Families set goals based on their values. A major major A values. based set their goals on Families your money the way you do? If ten people were were people If do? ten you way the money your thinking we’ll those using focus on section, this In Managing Money Managing Managing Managing What’s important to you? Why do you spend spend you do Why you? to important What’s All marriages include the management of management issues the include marriages All Values are not necessarily right or wrong; they they wrong; or right necessarily not are Values Your Marriage Your marriage 20 • Managing / Money Healthy MarriageHandbook ______You have justbeenlaidoffofyour job. You must You’ve justwon $10,000inthelottery. What It’s hard for enough one person todecide which Now compare yourresponses from above with your actual spendingyour actual toyourrated priorities tosee if your spouse’s. agree same on the things. Take some time tocompare would below. spendthemoney andfillinthechart will you dowiththemoney? Decidehow you is moreis important, harder but for even two people to they reallythey do match. cut first? make amajorcutinspending. What would you Are you spendingmoney onthe thingsthatare really tobothyou important andyour family? partner wouldpartner prefer togo onafishingtrip? Do you wantmore new clothingwhenyour $______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______Do you bothvaluethesamethings? Do you and your agree partner on

ARCHIVEyour spending values? • • •

Tip #2• Talk regularly and long-range financial *Adapted from “Managing Your Money,” E. Ames, OhioState Tip #8•Remember to positive use communication Tip #7• As you financial set goals, remember be to Tip and come #5•Discuss to agreements about Tip #4•Keep each other up to date on personal all Tip #3•Use ateam approach. Respect each Tip aside aregular time each #1•Set month to Money-Talk Tips Here are some tips that help you will effectively discuss money issues (yourdiscuss budget, planned University Extension University that put your will on spouse the defensive, such as realistic, specific, and flexible. how to any use extra money (such refunds) tax as . regular meeting, spend less time overall you’ll manage your money together. time to work together. both of youboth of agree with. criticizing, ridiculing, or demanding. other’s differences, and work toward decisions expenses, debt-reduction plans). By having a assets and debts.assets and may avoid problems since you’ve aside set skills whenskills money. discussing Avoid language

Tip #6• Write short about ways to better manage your money. goals together. Managing / Work & Family • 21 Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

home... home... home... home... get home... get home... ______• If I’m proud of my day’s work, when I get home... home... get I when work, day’s my of proud I’m If • • If I’ve been bored at work, when I get home... when I get home... at work, been bored • If I’ve when I get home... underpaid, • If I feel when I get all day, orders had to take • If I’ve • If my work environment has been noisy, when I has been noisy, environment work • If my • If I work overtime, when I get home... when I get home... overtime, • If I work when I get home... at work, day After a hard • when I get home... hassled at work, • If I feel when I get home... boss compliments me, • If my get when I at work, well gone • If things have

some potential benefits to having a little a little to having benefits potential some two. the between separation and home. and responses with your spouse. Which responses do you do responses Which your spouse. with responses better understanding of how your work life spills life of how your work better understanding feel good about? Which responses show how show your responses Which about? good feel for you to create a healthy balance between work work between balance a healthy create to you for over into your home life. Read through your through Read life. your home over into work life might be negatively affecting your home life? home your affecting benegatively might life work your work life from your home life, there are are there life, home your from life work your Complete the following sentences you’ll so a the have following Complete Whether one or both of you work, it’s important important it’s work, of both or one you Whether Although it’s impossible to completely separate separate completely to impossible it’s Although • ARCHIVE • • • • • • • • • work anyway? anyway? work in a typical week? your top priority? your the sole provider? take priority over the other’s? the other’s? priority over take working after you get married? get married? after you working spouse to work in a typical week? spouse to work Is career development or family life life or family development Is career to relocating if your job requires it? job requires if your to relocating whether and when to have children? whether and when to have Do you and your spouse both plan on spouse both plan on and your Do you If you both work, will one spouse’s job job one spouse’s will both work, If you to work for financial reasons, will both reasons, financial for to work work, what are your childcare options? childcare your what are work, Are you and your spouse in agreement in agreement spouse and your you Are If your spouse became unemployed, for for spouse became unemployed, If your Do you expect your spouse to be open spouse to be open expect your Do you What type of hours do you expect your expect your What type of hours do you If both you and your spouse do not need do not need spouse and your If both you about the type of work you both will do? you about the type of work How many hours do you expect to work expect to work hours do you many How how long would you be comfortable being you long would how care for the children? Who should that be? the children? for care How will your work affect your decisions of your affect work will your How If both you and your spouse need or want to and your If both you Should either of you consider staying home to consider staying Should either of you spending much time discussing their expecta- discussing their time much spending be like. It’s important that you and your spouse your and you that important It’s be like. tions about what their work and family life will life family and work their what about tions areas. in these expectations and thoughts have a joint understanding of each other’s of other’s each understanding a joint have spouse. of your those with your answers compare Unfortunately, many couples get married without without married get couples many Unfortunately, Managing Work & Family Family & Work Managing Answer these questions individually, and then and individually, questions these Answer 22 • Managing / Work & Family Healthy MarriageHandbook Tips for Managing Work & Family • Reward yourself for arriving at work on time. clocks• Set ahead 10minutes. • Take time for breakfast. • Coordinate and share morning with tasks • Have children make their own lunches. • Get ready before waking others. • Get to earlier bed and get up earlier. Wake-up time Try these pointers some of to help you manage your spouse. Changes don’t have to big be to make adifference. the daily routines work of and family.

If yourscore is 6 to12— Tally thepointsthatare associatedwitheachoftheresponses you circled. to my family. I oftencannotgetwork donebecause ofcommitments infamily activitiesbecauseofmyI oftencannotparticipate work. and maintenanceofourhome. I feel good abouthow much my spousecontributestothecare I have difficulty settingasidetime for activitieswith my spouse. I find tobe to everything everybody.myself trying accomplish allthatIplannedtodo. At theendofday, Ifeel frustratedbecauseIdidnot statements below asstrongly disagree (SD), disagree (D), neither(N), agree (A), orstrongly agree (SA). vs.StressBalance -Now considerthelevel ofbalanceorstress inyourlife. yourresponses tothe Circle stress andrestoring somebalancetoyour life. If yourscore is 21 to30— reduce thestress abit. If yourscore is 13 to20—

ARCHIVE you’re probably doingwell inmanagingyour work/family balance. it’s thatyou important andyour spousediscuss strategiesfor reducing your you may wanttolookatafew areas ofwork/family life andthinkofways to • Plan and lay out what to wear tomorrow. • Arrange items that you need access to the in • Do afew maintenance chores daily (bills, • Stick with an agreed time.TV cutoff • Make the next day’s lunches. • Share cleanup the dishes and of house. • Allow each other some time alone. • Sit down for dinner together at the table. • Prepare meals together. • Take time to listen and about debrief each • Transition with clothes. achange of After work/dinnertime morning place. afamiliar in dusting). other’s day. Cleanup/bedtime SD SD SD SD SD SD (1) (1) (5) (1) (1) (1) (2) (2) (4) (2) (2) (2) D D D D D D (3) (3) (3) (3) (3) (3) N N N N N N (4) (4) (2) (4) (4) (4) A A A A A A (5) (5) (1) (5) (5) (5) SA SA SA SA SA SA Keys to a Successful Marriage

If you’re really feeling off balance, it may be • Plan something fun to do together as a couple at important to put greater effort into managing least once a week. your time and stress load. • Talk with your employer if your workload is creating too much stress or pressure for you. • Make a list of weekly activities, and prioritize Be prepared to offer some suggested strategies. them on a checklist. • Talk to your spouse if you feel that his or her • Schedule time with your spouse each day if work is negatively affecting your home life (using you’ve been working too much. the techniques you’ve learned for positive • Schedule your exercise each week. communication). Develop strategies together. • Maintain good nutrition and adequate sleep.

Managing Home & a good idea to do a little detailed work to set up a House-Care Responsibilities plan and an agreement. Look back on pg. 6 at the table showing marital Take a few minutes to make the following lists. role expectations. How much alike were your and your spouse’s responses to the questions related List all of the household tasks that need to be to household tasks and family responsibilities? done. (It helps to put the tasks into categories It’s really not so important who does what and such as indoor work, outdoor work, childcare, who does more or less, it’s whether you agree how financial management, and wage earning.) the homecare responsibilities should be handled and shared. You should each feel that the distribu- List how often each task needs to be done. (Is it tion of labor—how much and what each of you daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, or yearly?) does—is fair. List how long it takes to complete each task.

If one or both of you do not feel good about your List who will do or usually does the task. (Is it current situation—or if you’ve never discussed primarily the wife’s job, the husband’s job, or a what your homecare responsibilities will be—it’s shared job?)

Household task How often? How long? Who does it? ARCHIVE Managing / Home •

23 Healthy Marriage Handbook

Tips for Managing Tip #4 • Ban micromanaging. Make a rule that Housework Together whoever does the task can do it his or her way One of the challenges for busy dual-earner without criticism. In the case of different stan- couples is carving out enough time to get the dards, partners can work to reach a compromise necessary household work done without cutting that both can live with. into personal, couple, and family time. This problem is a source of stress in many relation- Tip #5 • Be flexible. Switch household jobs ships. While one solution would be to hire every now and then to minimize boredom. Also, someone to help clean the house, most couples allowing the other person to take responsibility can’t afford this. Here are some tips on managing for a household job might reveal some hidden the “second shift.” talent or creativity.

Tip #1 • Prioritize. What really needs to be done and when? Some jobs are clearly more important than others. What must get done each day? What can wait until the weekend? What can children do? Tip #2 • Make a plan.

A little planning can go a long way. Working out a plan of responsibility for household jobs—like the one suggested on pg. 23—can benefit both spouses in terms of their personal well-being as well as the health of their relationship. Making a plan can also help clarify who is doing work that the other may not know about.

Tip #3 • Divide tasks by abilities, interests, and needs.

Divide tasks by abilities, interests, and needs rather than simply by “men’s work” and “women’s work.” MostARCHIVE couples today are dual-earner couples, and the pattern of women doing all the “inside work” and men doing the periodic “outside work” is not often viewed as fair. A wiser division of tasks allows for balanced sharing and individual preference. • Managing / Home 24 Managing / Children • 25 Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

show four related signs of stress: they keep score, score, keep they signs of stress: related four show are desired and planned, they can be accompa- can they planned, and desired are couples, the arrival of a child often changes the the of changes often a child arrival the couples, of partner, status one least at employment children certainly bring joy, most couples find find couples most joy, bring certainly children Many comes. baby the after ways in some change outside world, and they lose their perspective. their lose they and world, outside bring new meaning and depth to a family. While While a family. to depth and new meaning bring up and respond negatively to stress, and this adds adds this and stress, to negatively respond and up is well aware of all that she is doing, it’s hard for for hard it’s is of doing, she all that aware is well typically the mother. Even when these changes changes these when Even mother. the typically depression. even maybe feelings, negative by nied that responsibilities, routines, and relationships relationships and routines, responsibilities, that things that Sharon does always seem more seem more does always Sharon that things their focus narrows, they resent pressures of the pressures resent they focus narrows, their to the new parents’ problems. new parents’ the to major life change for most couples. Children can can Children couples. most for change life major her to see everything that Jim is doing! And the the And is doing! Jim that see everything to her doing with what they think their partner is doing. is doing. partner their think they what with doing Jim that those than her to important and difficult how much work they’re they’re work much how comparing and noticing couples notice that parenthood sets off some ripples some off sets parenthood that notice couples of relationship dissatisfaction for at least a couple a couple least at for dissatisfaction of relationship dual-earner For arrives. the after baby of years , new parents like Sharon and Jim often often Jim and Sharon like new parents , Grows How to Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Family as Your Marriage to Strengthen Your How To add to the challenge, young babies often pick pick often babies young challenge, the to add To When stress levels are high, people begin people high, are levels stress When Adding a baby to the family represents a represents family the to a baby Adding They keep score. score. keep They Becoming Parents: Parents: of Becoming authors the to According This is always dangerous because while Sharon Sharon while because dangerous This always is • • ARCHIVE • • • • for how long? how for daycare center? daycare friend or neighbor? Will you work at home? work Will you What are the advantages and the advantages and What are disadvantages of each option? Will you use the servicesWill you of a child is born? If so, who? If so, If so, who? child is born? If so, the home to provide childcare? the home to provide Will you trade childcare with a trade childcare Will you of the home to provide childcare? of the home to provide Will one of you stay home after the home after the stay Will one of you Will you hire someone from outside outside someone from hire Will you Will you ask family members outside ask family Will you anything else.” anything off an explosion in your marriage, and when the the when and marriage, your in offexplosion an came.” Jim pipes in: “Between caring and jobs our in: pipes Jim came.” eyes brimming with tears. “And we still do. It It do. still we “And tears. with brimming eyes expect to have children with your spouse? your with children have expect to necessarily; but different.” but necessarily; need to discuss with your spouse what your solu- your spouse what discussto your with need tions for work and childcare may be. be. may childcare and work for tions just feels like we’ve grown farther apart since she she since apart farther grown we’ve like just feels dust settles, your marriage is different from from is different marriage your settles, dust for little Samantha, there’s not much time for for time much not there’s Samantha, little for Once you’ve decided you will have a child, you’ll a child, will have you decided you’ve Once How many? How Having children is clearly something to discuss to something is clearly children Having what it was. Not better, necessarily; not worse, worse, not necessarily; better, Not was. it what well, saying, “When you have a baby, you set you a baby, have “When you saying, well, with your spouse before you marry. Do you you Do marry. you spouse before your with Managing Children Children Managing Having children brings changes to a marriage. to a marriage. changes brings children Having The writer Nora Ephron summed it up pretty pretty up it summed Ephron Nora The writer “We really wanted the baby,” Sharon says, her her says, Sharon baby,” the wanted really “We 26 • Managing / Children Healthy MarriageHandbook Their focus narrows. When life gets intensely stressful with many work take over life. his finallytalked about this, Jim was shocked. He felt Sharon tries to keep until quiet she can remind and their worldandsometimes their shrinks. They feel that does. Lately, when shekeeping finds herself score, demands, many people respond by focusing on make contact withanymore. him When they more and more on work the in months after the hobby). one This area to edge outbegins others, the thatherself Jim working is hard as she as is. Both things other in their lives. areas course, of Of this they don’t have time to relax, have fun, or do that he being provider. agood was During this to even out over time. baby came. Sharon felt that she could barely to feelbegin very resentful. Jim focusing began can aproblem be because the other partner may emotional conversation, Jim promised to not let their lives of one (often aspect the baby, work, a she and Jim have decided that the score likely is ARCHIVE

What used little tobe things can sometimes look They resent the people, pressures, and activities They lose their perspective. Jim, Sharon realized that the family dinners were Jim aneat-freak, as had never thought himself of Previously accepted standards may have to shift. Because time tight is and sleep precious, is new sources Sharon ofsupport. noticing began that Sharon went back to work and the newly walking Sharon. “Can’t you at least get this mess cleaned unbearably large arrival after ofalittle the one. felt constantly irritated. One day he blew up at dinners far too often. The resentment until built of the outside world. her sister and mother were planning big family just asomewhat-cleaner-than-averagejust guy. When realized that she really cherished those chances to remember that sources ofpressure can alsobe parents often feel overwhelmed by what to used them of trying tothem stretch of her too thin. That’s what to realistic set boundaries but keep the relation- the dinners. For this young family, it worked best no more frequent than before the baby. And she that the making messes way part is of that just- is to cut off those topressures,is off cut and it’s hard to it felt like! After cooling down and with talking up?” After some time for cooling off, Jim realized be normalbe ties social and activities. The tendency baby wreaking began havoc on the house, Jim out aplan for attending some but maybe not all see other family members. She and Jim worked she blew up at them one morning and accused ships alive.

Managing / Children • 27 1999. Pamela 1999. Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys

Recommended Reading Recommended

Your to Strengthen How Becoming Parents: Grows. Family Your Marriage as Jordan, Scott Stanley & Howard Markman. Markman. & Howard Scott Stanley Jordan, publisher. Jossey-Bass, marriage: parents’ the childrenfrom What learn your child’s It may be your marriage but it’s Siegal. P. Judith 2000. blueprint intimacy. for publisher. HarperCollins, York: New John 1994. Marriages Succeed or Fail. Why publisher. Simon & Schuster, Gottman. ARCHIVE small amounts throughout the day and week, can can week, and day the throughout amounts small called the child’s blueprint for his or her future future his her or for blueprint child’s the called after baby falls asleep, and/or a brief but sincere a brief sincere and/or but falls asleep, baby after a loved but needy new child. Once the new baby new baby the Once new child. needy but a loved especially challenged to find time to focuson to time find to challenged especially couples have difficulty communicating when communicating difficulty have couples be very nourishing for a relationship strained by by strained a relationship for be nourishing very understanding of his or her position. Some of position. his her understanding or parents’ relationship with one another has been another one with relationship parents’ While some some While is important. friendship nurture relationships. It makes sense to invest in keeping in keeping invest sense to makes It relationships. to the response). Finding ways to have fun and fun and have to ways Finding response). the to new parents can actually plan some little dates dates little some plan actually can new parents throughout the day. These can can be These briefas five as day. the throughout their relationship, and many feel guilty when they they guilty when feel many and relationship, their they’re having a disagreement. When couples couples When a disagreement. having they’re their about assumptions put-downs negative and to occur, conflicts for waiting Rather than partner. is a wise investment. prevention pletely, but it can help to recognize them and try and them recognize to help can it but pletely, expectations. realistic have to parents is the best gift they is gift give the their best can parents child. The minutes (a morning snuggle, an evening bath bath evening an snuggle, (a morning minutes has settled into a reasonably predictable pattern, pattern, predictable a reasonably into has settled has some advice: stay calm, speak nondefensively nondefensively speak calm, stay has advice: some do take the time. Setting aside some time, even even time, some aside Setting time. the take do decide to talk about conflicts, they should avoid avoid should they conflicts, talk about to decide deal, certainly not worth his energy nor hurting his energy hurting nor worth not certainly deal, ing nonworking time away from their child, keep from away time nonworking ing between two relationship a healthy that mind in dual-earner new parents feel guilty about spend- guilty about dual-earner feel new parents Sharon only made it home an hour before him. him. before hour an home it made only Sharon com- avoid to hard are problems These Sharon. New parents in dual-earner families are often often in dual-earner are families parents New your relationship strong even when time is tight. time when even strong relationship your with your partner, and take the time to express express to time the take and partner, your with walking babies learn about the world and that that and world the about learn babies walking In the end, he decided that it was really not a big a big not was it really that decided he end, the In Angela R. Wiley, Ph.D., Family Life Life Family Ph.D., Wiley, Angela R. Intentional Harmony, * From of Illinois. University Specialist, When difficulties do arise, expert John Gottman Gottman John expert arise, do difficulties When “how was your day” followed by active listening listening active by followed “how day” was your 28 • Managing / In-Laws Healthy MarriageHandbook Take afew minutes following toanswer the questions Managing In-Laws Our parentsOur and other our extended members of with yourspouse about and yourthoughts feelings about yourin-laws. family can sources be support—and sources of of stress.of become caregivers ofyour parents orin-laws? What titlesdoyou address your in-laws by? If so, how willthataffect your relationship? If anelderly parent orin-law needstolive Which motherismostlikely tobeasked Do thetitlesyou useindicateyour types In thelateryears oflife, are you likely to parents/in-laws would likely betheleast likelihood ofbeingproblematic inyour with your family, whichofyour elderly Which setofin-laws ismostlikely to Rank thefollowing peopleastotheir Which motherismostlikely togive Are you satisfiedwith your in-law member______Otherextendedfamily _____ Brother-in-law _____ Sister-in-law _____ Stepmother-in-law _____ Stepfather-in-law _____ Mother-in-law _____ Father-in-law stressful tohave livingwithyou? give you aidorany kindofhelp? relationships? Why orwhy not? relationship withyour spouse. for child-rearing advice?

ARCHIVEchild-rearing advice? of relationships? • • • • • • •

Asking your parents or in-laws for advice okay, is If youIf have adifficult relationship with in- your Know what to call them. you are living. Having your own place acrucial is Be independentBe together. Get your own place. Seek approval.Seek difficult bothdifficult for you and the parents with whom make your own decisions regarding such issues have your in marriage. Try these suggestions for together parents by living with one of set or the names. Finding help this out you will feel more prefer that you call them Mom and Dad, but they would like you to call them. might Some proval, you’re more likely to have their long-term parents for your marriage. you If have their ap- the approval your parents of and your spouse’s laws, it can have some devastating consequences building astrong relationship with your in-laws. other. This rarely works out well. be will It or another, decide to start their married lives change over time. comfortable with one another. Also, this may others might prefer you call them by their first own nuclear family. You and your should spouse on your marriage. The more mutual andrespect as schooling,as finances, children, and employment. appreciation you have for your in-laws, the more support. step toward independence and marital happiness. security and stability you and your will spouse If you If aren’t yet married, seek Some Some couples, for one reason Ask your in-laws what You are your beginning Managing / In-Laws • 29 As with all relationships, all relationships, with As Keys to a Successful Marriage to a Successful Keys Remember that finan- that Remember Be sure to thank your in-laws in-laws your thank to Be sure

Source: “Saying I Do: Consider the Possibilities” by J. Marshall J. by Consider the Possibilities” I Do: “Saying Source: attached, and you may end up feeling like they’re they’re like feeling up end may you and attached, and abide by those expectations, or don’t accept accept don’t or expectations, those by abide and cial support from in-laws often has some strings has strings some often in-laws from support cial using those strings to manipulate you. Know Know you. manipulate to strings those using it’s always best not to focus on the negatives. negatives. the focus on to not best always it’s the money to begin with. begin to with. money the parents of the spouse you love. love. of spouse you the parents attributes. positive for anything they do for you, including being the the being including you, for do they anything for Focus on their strengths. strengths. their on Focus what strings, if any, are attached to their support, support, their to attached are if any, strings, what Avoid financial puppetry. financial Avoid for look and exist, that differences any Accept Appreciate them. Appreciate When you get married, married, get you When ARCHIVE each other’s families, whether it’s okay for them them for okay it’s whether families, other’s each but make sure you and your spouse make the final the spouse make your and you sure make but your about clear are in-laws so that boundaries it’s a good idea for you and your spouse to set spouse to your and you for a good idea it’s to drop by your home unannounced, or whether whether or unannounced, home your by drop to time and privacy limits. This may involve a involve This may limits. privacy and time recreational activities that both you and your in- your and you both that activities recreational more comfortable with them. them. with comfortable more laws enjoy. Doing some things with your in-laws in-laws your with things some Doing enjoy. laws that each of you present your ideas directly to your directly your ideas of you present each that discussion of how often and how long you visit you long how and discussion of often how decisions together. together. decisions own parents. Set boundaries together. Set boundaries Identify some social and/or social and/or some Identify activities. some Share weekly family dinners together are too much. much. too are together dinners family weekly they’re often how and when know will them help important it’s Also, new home. in your welcome will help you get to know them better and feel feel and better them know to get will you help Politely letting your parents know how you feel feel you how know parents your letting Politely Remarriages

3ARCHIVE Special Topics / Remarriages Re Remarriages marriages Myths & Realities About 50 percent of all marriages in a year are remarriages for one or both spouses. Remar- riages and marriages that form stepfamilies (one or both spouses have children from a previous relationship) are more complex from the start. It’s vital that couples forming stepfamilies learn some specific information about how to build healthy stepfamilies.

Take the following quiz, and see if you can identify what is reality, or true, and what is a myth, or false.

True False 1. Attachment between stepparent and stepchildren needs to occur quickly. 2. Children ages 9 to 15 usually have the most difficult time adjusting to a new stepfamily. 3. Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged. 4. The stories and myths about wicked stepmothers do not affect today’s stepfamilies. 5. It’s not unusual for a stepfamily to take at least 4 years or more to feel like a solid family unit. 6. It helps stepfamily adjustment if the nonresidential parent withdraws. 7. Living in a stepfamily formed after a parent dies is easier than living in a stepfamily formed after a divorce. 8. Part-time stepparenting is easier than full-time stepparenting. 9. A strong couple relationship is an important part of forming a strong stepfamily. 10. A stepparent living with a stepchild has the same legal rights as the biological parent.

Answers •The biological parent should not expect the stepparent to feel the way he or she does about 1. False: More than likely, attachment between a biological child. stepparent and stepchildren won’t happen right away. It takes time, often years, for family members • The older the children, the longer the process of to get used to, accept, and adapt to different family adjustment. histories, rules, routines,ARCHIVE and individual habits, attitudes, values, and rituals. The more new relationships to 2. True: Older children have the most history be formed, the more time it will take. Keep the with biological parents and typically have the Myths & Realities • following in mind. following characteristics, making it more difficult for them to adjust to a stepfamily. • The stepparent should not expect to take a parental or disciplinarian role with stepchildren in the • Developmentally, they are very self-focused and beginning years. may think you’ve messed up their lives with all these changes.

31 32 • Strategies for Stepparenting Healthy MarriageHandbook biological parent dies orifthecoupledivorces. Also, there are nolegaltiestostepchildren ifthe by the biologicalparent, butitisnotset upby law. rize medicalservices. Authorization canbegiven Stepparents cannotsignconsentforms orautho- recognized aslegalcaretakers oftheirstepchildren. 10.: False Stepparents are notautomatically successful stepfamily living. to buildstrengths inthecouplerelationship are key to able. Taking timetogether asacoupleand working the weakest linkandtherefore isthemostvulner- 9. True thisrole. and thestepparent supports parent and disciplinarian cal parent istheprimary residents of ahousehold. Itworksbestifthebiologi- even lessclearwhenstepchildren are part-time 8.: False The role ofthestepparent isusually professional help. time toprocess aparent’s death. Mostwillneedsome toward thestepparent. It’s to allow achild important The childmay alsofeel jealousyorresentment standard thatthestepparent cannotlive upto. build fantasiesaboutthatparent andmay have a 7.: False A childwhohashadaparent diemay from contactwithbothbiological parents. other parent. Unlessthere isabuse, benefits achild parent, heorshemay buildfantasiesaboutthat 6.: False When achildhasnocontactwith expectation. Moststepfamilies take years toadjust. stepfamily doesnotexist—thatisanunrealistic 5. True with theirchildren. preconceived notionsandstereotypical thinking and affect everyday life. 4.: False Stereotypes cansetupexpectations and/or remarriage. development afterthey’ve divorce experienced children’sfamilies andcommunities candotosupport There’s alotofvariation—and well despiteincreased riskstotheirwell-being. of divorced parents (more than80percent) do 3. • Younger thinkwithlesscomplexity. children They • They are mostsusceptibletoloyalty conflictdilemmas • They havethecapacitytofocus onwhatothers Answers (continued) accepting more thantwoparents. are andopento oftenmore willingtobeinclusive actively process andthinkaboutwhattheymean. tally, focused onrelationships and teensare very (feeling caughtbetweentheirparents). Developmen- and theremarriage. think. They mayfeel embarrassed by thedivorce :False It’s to know that most childrenimportant ARCHIVE: The couplerelationship isthenewest and : Instantlove orinstantblendingofa Parents shoulddiscuss there’s alotthat done, biological but parent the retains final the say stepparent that the input gives is into things how are biological parent’s view. point of Ahelpful model a more gentle, nonjudgmental stance and hear the stepparent’s input, but stepparents need to take need to take time to hear and understand the necessary.A is discussion Biological parents discipline the in home right from the beginning. easy on the children and want to enforce stricter Sometimes stepparents seetheir too as spouses to failure. in adisciplinarian role, usually is so this doomed that children are not often ready for astepparent this. favorin of The couple should realize,however, and discipline and often the biological parent is with the children, taking over to provide order for the parent who’s having been ahard time sometimes feel compelled to step a as in “savior” yourDiscuss role with your spouse. Stepparents to feel closer to some than others. with each family member and realize that it’s okay are satisfied with closeness the level they of have families, it’s most important that family members different closeness levels of for each pair. In step- same level ofconnection toeach other. There be can in stepfamilies, infamily the everyone where feels the treated respectfully.is There rarelyblending perfect a this behavior usually results astepparent’s in being or her feelings, concerns, and desires. Modeling fully toward your stepchild by acknowledging his spent many years with. In turn, behave respect- you the way he or she cares for aparent they’ve size, this but you cannot achild expect to care for behavior, and yourspouse should empha- you help from stepchildren. You can respectful expect stepchild relationship. Develop realistic expectations for astepparent/ studying the patterns successful of stepfamilies. children. Below are some tips developed from the approachdiscuss take parenting in they’ll their and “marriage” stepfamilies, in it’s that vital couples Because the carriage”“baby came before the “love” Strategies for Stepparenting Don’t instant expect love Strategies for Stepparenting • 33 If you are not not are If you Special Topics / Remarriages Topics Special

ship is usually more resilient in the face of face in the resilient more is usually ship stepparent should focus on building a relation- building focus on should stepparent individually. of stepchildren each with the ship of these suggestions for the primary/secondary primary/secondary the for of suggestions these are if or children own your parent a biological and what the child’s capabilities are. are. capabilities child’s the what and developmental are what and issues stepfamily are Realistic expectations for for expectations Realistic development. child on are the stepparent. If you look closer, the biologi- the closer, look If you stepparent. the are to has stage more developmental child’s the and cal parent is probably receiving similar treatment, similar treatment, receiving is probably parent cal good idea, for stepfamilies, it’s actually better to to better actually it’s stepfamilies, for good idea, In the early years of the stepfamily, the the of stepfamily, the years early the In one. on ent should ensure that the stepparent the that stepparent ensure ent should en relationships. Try to find activities that are are that activities find to Try en relationships. issue for stepparents. Within the implementation implementation the Within stepparents. for issue parenting team in stepfamilies, the par- biological in stepfamilies, team parenting It’s not uncommon uncommon not It’s parents. primary two toward relationship. stepparent/stepchild the protect to relation- parent/child biological the and parents, inappropriate behavior, but it often provides provides often it but behavior, inappropriate these challenges. these issues. Often, stepparents assume that inappro- that assume stepparents Often, issues. for a couple to choose to revert to primary/secondary revert to to primary/secondary choose to couple a for unique—that can become “your” activity with with activity “your” become can unique—that This can Thiscan serve adolescence. during roles parental priate behavior is directed at them because they they because them at is directed behavior priate plan one-on-one activities to build and strength- one-on-one and build plan to activities children’s behavior is an important starting point point starting behavior important is an children’s family is formed, it’s not always a straight path path a straight always not it’s is formed, family do with the behavior. behavior. the with do respectfully. is treated This is an important This an is important “second-class.” mean doesn’t of what might be going on on be going of might what understanding some for excuse an for not It’s children. with when dealing younger than your spouse’s children, read up up read children, spouse’s your than younger secondary parenting parenting secondary that though, Remember, Even if the children are young when the step- the when young are if children the Even Develop the relationships in the family one one family in the relationships the Develop Learn about child development. child about Learn Adolescence is usually a challenging time for for time a challenging is usually Adolescence Although doing things as a family seems like a seems as like a family things doing Although This information might help you determine what what determine you help might This information ARCHIVE so can a child have more than two par- than two more have a child can so way, special as a disciplinarian. When the biological parent is parent biological the When as a disciplinarian. children and teens. The biological parent should should parent biological The teens. and children children understand that just as a parent can have have can asjust parent a that understand children can become more of a primary disciplinarian. of disciplinarian. a primary more become can and I’m not going to replace either one of them. of one them. either replace to going not I’m and charge, but you are not a parent. You enforce the the enforce You a parent. not are you but charge, child’s life. life. child’s charge here tonight, and the rule is no television television is rule no the and tonight, here charge biological and stepparent are present, discipline discipline present, are stepparent and biological in adult an are You uncle. or aunt an or babysitter be an important, loving, respected adult in the in the adult respected loving, be important, an bit at a time. Meanwhile, though, I’m the adult in adult the I’m though, Meanwhile, a time. at bit until the child is ready to accept the stepparent stepparent the accept to is ready child the until ents and respect and care for each in a special way. a special in each for care and respect ents and until homework is done.” is done.” homework until is best administered by the biological parent parent biological the by is administered best not present, the stepparent operates much like a like much operates stepparent the present, not Parenting usually includes includes usually Parenting parent. secondary the older with especially this, with time his/her take number of years it may take for the stepparent stepparent the for take may it ofnumber years having disciplinary power. A stepparent should should stepparent A power. disciplinary having early in the disciplinarian primary the remain that a stepparent will ever serve in a full parental will serve ever in a full parental a stepparent that still can stepparent The okay. that’s role—and to transition into full parental status; therefore, therefore, status; full parental into transition to rules of the house; for example, you say, “This is say, you example, for ofrules house; the before is done Homework of rule house. the the television.” more than two children and care for each in a each for care and children two than more for children who are adolescents when the step- the when adolescents are who children for expect to realistic not probably it’s forms, family until the children are ready for the stepparent to take the stepparent for ready are the children until a larger role in their in lives. role a larger years of stepfamily development. When both both When development. of stepfamily years Determine the roles of the primary parent and and of parent primary the roles the Determine Follow the child’s lead—do not force parental status. status. parental force lead—do not the child’s Follow As time goes by, you and your spouse can help the the help spousecan your and you by, goes time As is age the a child’s is of that rule A thumb As children get more comfortable, a stepparent a stepparent comfortable, more get children As You and I are going to get to know each other a other each know to get to going I are and You You can respond to “You’re not my parent,” with with parent,” my not “You’re to respond can You “Yes. You are right. You have a mom and a dad, a dad, and a mom have You right. are You “Yes. 34 • Strategies for Stepparenting Healthy MarriageHandbook This This can go a long wayin easing conflicts and Acknowledge that two achild can part be of It’s then easier for them to hear what you have your spouse not badmouth parent. other the As long Empathize. you mean you don’t sort the small forks from the your stepchild—such being the as adult part- with each childwell. as stand stepfamily to other do trying you as members tounder- trying much as spend time and energy Stepfamily living brings together differenthisto- for the children, it’s important and that you both defensive, it’s important to to try put yourself in differences—fromseemingly do (“What small differentviews and behavior,patterns of first, the other person’s other the empathize. Both adults place—to get them tounderstand them get you. When your spouse that relationship. Even the other if parent does large ones?”)—to major (“You’re turning your ries, and family members usually deal with many reaching compromise. thize with the other’s feelings and situations. biological parent tomaintain regular alone times practices and games. Also, toallow the remember the one to take your stepdaughter to basketball jealous.”), take adeep breath. yourself; Calm then the child’s feelings for and relationship with the ner your in stepson’s Boy Scout group or being households. respond with your view. point of is not This the tell them what you do understand before you not return this support, continue to validate nonresidential parent and should supported be in position. to say. Try to yourselves imagine each in other’s person know you hear and understand or him her. child into aspoiled brat!”). When dealing with other parent. This approach a has muchbetter and children stepfamilies in should to try empa- or child tells you something threatening (“I’m or mentally, the child should spend time with the as there’sas no threat to the child either physically same as agreeing.same as It simply is letting the other Although it can normal be to feel ARCHIVE In order to prevent loyalty conflicts You and your should spouse continually speak That be must really confusing for you. Most kids Also talk in aneutral in talk Also tone about differences TV time limited, is but you are allowed to have To avoid becoming this statistic, part of it’s If theIf other parent behaves badly, acknowledge would find that hard.I’m sorry he feels that way. with each other. Work on the marriage itself, and Hopefully, with time that might change.” Steps for Stepfamilies” by F. Adler-Baeder (www.stepfamilies.info). Most oftheinformation inthissectionisadapted from “Smart you can watch much as TV you as want, but you you. We’re getting to know each other astep at a you’ll find that the negotiationsyou’ll around stepfam- vulnerable. the mainreasons One couples of Strengthen the couple relationship. or quiz them about the other parent’s aboutor quiz other them the activities. children in conflictswith nonresidential the parent dad say does bad things about me sometimes. couple relationship and that you communicate well markers the the couple qualityof of relationship. two separate rules. of sets your dad’s“In house, rules rarely is achieved. Children can adjust to the behavior aneutral in tone; for example, “Your time, and over time, become Ihope we’ll closer redivorce due is to problems with stepchildren. relationship the in family and therefore the most relationship creates the family, yet it’s the newest in waysin that help your children sort out feelings issues presented stepfamily as issues are actually ily issues go much more smoothly. Often, the important that you build in time tonurture your between households. household Consistency of can’t eat the in family room. In this house, your else youelse love or like. Iknow I’m brand to new of “split loyalties.” “You’ll always love your daddy, or she cares about. In addition, don’t involve the chance enhancing your of relationship with your and closer. ” alwaysand he’ll your be daddy, no matter who snacks other you in rooms clean if up afterward.” stepchild you than someone speak badly if he of The couple Coparenting with Expartners • 35

, Ricci (1997). , Intimate assumptions • Many • Unspoken/unwritten expectations • Informal • High emotional intensity and personal involvement personal privacy • Low • High personal disclosure Special Topics / Remarriages Topics Special agendas agendas emotional intensity and • Low personal involvement • High personal privacy personal disclosure • Low Businesslike Businesslike • No assumptions contracts • Explicit agreements, structured courtesies, • Formal specific meetings, interactions,

Mom’s House, Dad’s House Dad’s House, Mom’s

cooperative relationships with your children’s children’s your with relationships cooperative parent(s). other you that is to ensure relationship coparenting biological two transitions, of family and partner getting back at the other parent. Conflict between between Conflict parent. other the at back getting businesslike relationship. businesslike move from from move together longer no are who parents households is stressful for the children, stressful stressful children, the for is stressful households for the adults, and stressful for your marriage. marriage. your for stressful and adults, the for are appropriately separated from the other from parent separated appropriately are patterns healthy In connected. appropriately and more to a nonemotional, relationship intimate an *Adapted from from *Adapted It’s important for everyone, therefore, to build build to therefore, everyone, for important It’s An important first step in managing the the managingin step first important An ARCHIVE Recommended Resources Recommended Center Resource The National Stepfamily www.stepfamilies.info Successful Stepfamilies www.successfulstepfamilies.com

Adapted from Papernow and Adler-Baeder, (2003). (2003). Adler-Baeder, and Papernow from Adapted stepfamily development together. Discuss how Discuss how together. development stepfamily stepfamilies will be the most common family family common will most be the stepfamilies continue to deal with the other biological parent parent biological other the with deal to continue exspouse). or of expartner an (usually a child for difficult it make may parent One challenging. on models of successful stepfamilies, not first first not stepfamilies, of models on successful counselor or therapist is someone knowledgeable knowledgeable is someone therapist or counselor half that are estimates that a rate such at growing interactions with the children in the family based family in the children the with interactions ing plan and philosophy. Take a class especially especially a class Take philosophy. and plan ing the other parent to visit the child. Another parent parent Another child. visit the to parent other the in stepfamily formation and dynamics. and formation in stepfamily may use late child-support payments as a form of as a form payments child-support use late may more smoothly and can create a healthy environ- a healthy create can and smoothly more family. in the children the and adults the for ment nonbiological children—and the numbers are are numbers the children—and nonbiological more complex, it’s important for a stepparent and and a stepparent for important it’s complex, more their plan and through think spouse to his her or Some experts believe that soon that believe Some experts their lifetimes. families. These actions can help a stepfamily run stepfamily a help can actions These families. form. Because stepfamilies are formed differently differently formed are stepfamilies Because form. usually are they because and families first from for stepfamilies. Take a marriage education class. class. education a marriage Take stepfamilies. for of all Americans will be in a step relationship in in will a step be in relationship Americans of all Coparenting with Expartners Expartners with Coparenting Read about about Read on. early use them and resources Find parent- Discuss your role. other’s the see each you Millions of adults in this country are parenting parenting are ofMillions country in this adults when issues present themselves. Make sure the the sure Make themselves. present issues when Utilize family therapy or counseling early on on early counseling or therapy family Utilize In many new marriages, one or both of you will of both or one you new marriages, many In These coparenting relationships can often be often can relationships coparenting These * 36 • Coparenting with Expartners Healthy MarriageHandbook There maybe times whendirect communication It to useful consider also is the range coparent- of when they’re communicating directly. Coopera- is that they move that they upis and downacontinuum of fail. You should considermoving toward more cooperative coparenting the is amount and of type coparenting, depending mostly on how they main differencebetween parallel parenting and manage the inevitable conflicts that can arise. The more frequently about theparenting. business of parents communicate only when absolutely relationship ideal, is reality the for most parents tive coparents can speak directly to each other things writing in or ensure that someone necessary and have little direct communication, neutral present is or they’re aneutral in place initiates conflict (suchas a remarriage), and all goingis well and then something occurs that interaction between parents. Parallel ing practices. Although acooperative coparenting attempts to communicate effectively repeatedly such face as to face or by phone. Instead, they put efforts tobuildastrongefforts andstablemarriage. 15 ormore may threaten your marriage, asoverinvolvement caninterfere withanexpartner withyour is thatyou have anover-involved andinappropriately connected, coparenting relationship. A score of Add upthenumbers associated with eachofyour responses. The higheryour score, themore likely it We donottelleachother agreat dealofpersonalinformation. We eachmaintainahigh level ofpersonalprivacy. Our relationship emotionally isvery intense. We are informal very witheachother. We are soclosewe donotneedtotalkaboutourexpectations. ARCHIVE I make lotsofassumptionsaboutmy child’s otherparent. (N), agree (A), orstrongly agree (SA). is mostlike yours. yourresponses tothestatementsbelow Circle asstrongly disagree (SD), disagree (D), neither Coparenting -Rateyourlevel ofinvolvement withyourchild’s relationship model otherparent toseewhich [IMAGE TO COME] SD SD SD SD SD SD (5) (5) (1) (1) (1) (1) (4) (4) (2) (2) (2) (2) D D D D D D (3) (3) (3) (3) (3) (3) N N N N N N Coparenting Cooperative Parenting Parallel (2) (2) (4) (4) (4) (4) A A A A A A (1) (1) (5) (5) (5) (5) SA SA SA SA SA SA Coparenting with Expartners • 37 Special Topics / Remarriages Topics Special directly with each each with directly

parent’s new partner. parent’s

as well. other parent will start following the guidelines the will following start parent other You cannot control the control cannot You family. your and children, other methods of communicating information. of methods communicating other adjust can she or he physically, and emotionally Stop and separate so that so that separate and Stop intense. too becomes it’s best to take a longer time-out from direct time-out direct from a longer take to best it’s discuss to if issue. an need you right things, chances are much greater that the the that greater much are chances things, right become frustrated if the child’s other is not. parent the child’s if frustrated become to different parenting styles and rules between rules between and styles parenting different to households. face-to-face communication for a while and use and a while for communication face-to-face guidelines as well. these respect to family If you keep doing the the doing actions keep of the other If you parent. you both can calm down. If this pattern continues, continues, pattern If this down. calm can both you This is what is best for you, your your you, for is Thiswhat best is doing. you’re Pick your battles. As long as the child is safe, is safe, child as the long As battles. your Pick Often, parents who are following these types these of rules following Often, who are parents Tip #10 • Call a time-out a discussion when Tip Tip #11 • Allow for each other’s parenting styles. styles. parenting other’s each for Allow #11 • Tip skills good communication #12 • Practice Tip of members your and new partners Ask #13 • Tip keep doing what what to keepjust is doing recommendation The Tip #9 • Communicate #9 • Communicate Tip other about the children children the about other instead of with the other of other instead the with

ARCHIVE relationships. each other’s new other’s each Tip #8 • Respect #8 • Respect Tip Tip #1 • Agree to to Agree #1 • Tip keep conflict away away conflict keep from your children. your from connection with the other parent. other the with connection choose between you. between choose other down, particularly in front of children. the in front particularly down, other coparents, no matter what the level and style style and level the what matter no coparents, of coparenting. requires face-to-face contact between parents and and face-to-face between parents contact requires particularly when the children are present. are children the when particularly be in danger. Safety is the primary Safety goal. danger. be in Encourage their their Encourage parent. other the respect remarks. to re-establish your previous level of cooperative of cooperative level your previous to re-establish parallel parenting and make attempts make over time and parenting parallel coparenting. occurred between parents. Cooperative coparenting coparenting Cooperative between parents. occurred is not appropriate when domestic violence when has domestic is appropriate not don’t use the children as messengers. use the children don’t should not be used if one parent feels he or she may he she may or feels parent one if be used not should Don’t use sarcasm or make snide or hurtful hurtful or snide make or use sarcasm Don’t Tip #7 • Send messages to each other directly; other each to #7 • Send messages Tip Tip #6 • Encourage your children to love and and love to children your #6 • Encourage Tip Tip #3 • Say positive things about each other, other, each about things positive #3 • Say Tip keep. can’t you promises make #4 • Don’t Tip must they feel children the make #5 • Don’t Tip Tip #2 • Use respectful words, and don’t put each each put don’t and words, respectful #2 • Use Tip The following are some suggestions for all for suggestions some are following The Cooperative coparenting coparenting note: Cooperative A cautionary Tips for Coparenting Coparenting for Tips Issuesthathurtrelationships

4ARCHIVE Special Topics / Issues that Hurt Relationships Issues Issues That Hurt thathurtrelationships Relationships Substance Abuse, Gambling, & Other Addictions Addictions of any kind hurt relationships. They hurt children, too. If you or your spouse is a habitual or binge drinker in amounts that interfere with work and/or relationships, abuses drugs of any kind, or gambles frequently and uncontrollably, then professional help is needed. When treatment works—and it often does—your life will turn around, and your relationship with your spouse will improve.

Mental Health Problems Mental health problems are very common and are nothing to be ashamed of. If you or your spouse is feeling depressed or down for more than a couple of weeks, ever talks about suicide, is constantly worried or anxious, or seems out of touch with reality, professional help is needed. Treatment for depression and other mental health issues is often successful. Support your spouse by acknowledging the problem without blame.

Sexual Infidelity Unfaithfulness, or cheating, can destroy relation- ships. When one spouse is fooling around, the trust between you is broken. It’s important to be open and honest when talking about the situation and to get professional help. Only you two can decide together if this experience will end your marriage or if you will work together to rebuild ARCHIVEthe trust that is vital for healthy marriages. Issues that Hurt • Issues that Hurt

39 Healthy Marriage Handbook DomesticViolence

5ARCHIVE Special Topics / Domestic Violence

Makes you feel like you’re walking on Domestic Violence eggshells to keep the peace • Domestic violence is physical, mental, sexual, Makes you feel like a prisoner in your own home Violence or emotional abuse in an intimate relationship. • It occurs when one person uses abusive tactics Yells at you frequently and calls you hurtful names to gain power and control over a partner or • former partner. Is unpredictable or has sudden mood swings • Domestic violence hits homes in every community. Threatens you with violence It has a devastating effect on victims, children, • families, and communities. Breaks or hits things in your presence • If you are a victim, you can get help by calling Gives you hateful or threatening looks the National Domestic Violence hotline toll-free, • 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). There Shoves, slaps, or hits you are safe shelters across your state for you and your • Abuses your children children, as well as many other services. • There is no excuse for domestic violence. If your Keeps you from seeing friends or family spouse engages in one or several of the behaviors • Hurts your pets listed on this page, it may be an indication that • you’re in an abusive relationship, and you should Follows you, spies on you, or shows up at carefully evaluate your relationship and talk with your job, school, or friends’ homes a professional who can help. • Listens to your phone calls or keeps you from using the phone • Is forceful with affection and/or sex • Accuses you of having affairs • Controls all the money and gives you little or none • Keeps you from getting or keeping a job • Pushed you to make a commitment before you felt ready • Has a history of battering in other relationships ARCHIVE• Gets very angry or upset with you often and Domestic Violence • then apologizes with gifts, flowers, and promises

*Adapted from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

41 42 • Domestic Violence Healthy MarriageHandbook on Violence and the Family, 1996.) Psychological Association Presidential Task Force Violence and the Family: the Report of American adulthood. (American Psychological Association, at least one physical assault by apartner during Fact: Nearly one in three adult women experiences Domestic violence not does affect manypeople. Myth #1 —about domestic violence. The following aresome myths—and the facts about Domestic Violence Myths & Facts Against Domestic Violence, Montgomery, AL 36101 The Alabama Coalition Calls you namesprivately or where you go. Limitsyour Chart courtesy of courtesy Chart outside involvement and who you seeandtalkto, in public. Putsyou down Controls whatyou do, and makes you feel bad about yourself. Tries to make you thinkyou’re Emotional Abuse Emotional Abuse P.O. Box 4762, what you read, and crazy. Tries tomake uses jealousyas you feel guilty. justification. ARCHIVE Isolation Makes lightoftheabuse harass you. Threatens to relays messagesthrough Denies abuseoccurred. them. Usesvisitationto about thechildren and and doesn’t take your Makes you feel guilty Denial & Blame Denial &Blame take thechildren by Shifts responsibility concern seriously. charging you with for theabuseby blaming you. neglect and Uses the Uses the Children e Sex us ua abuse. b l, CONTROL POWER & P A l h

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1990.) Crime Reports, Federal Bureau Investigation, of hidden and constant terrorizing factor. (Uniform violence may not happen often, but it remains a as others, to coerce and control another person. The tion, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, and lence behaviors, and aseries of including intimida- other abuse.forms of The batterervio- uses acts of and fear arelationship in through violence and Facts: Battering the is establishment control of Battering only is amomentary temper. loss of Myth #2 c o

weapons. Displays Abuses pets. destroys your property. Smashes thingsand actions, andgestures. Frightens you withlooks, Intimidation

women’s roles. enforces men’s and decisions. Definesand servant. Makes allthebig and treats you like a Acts like themaster Privilege Male

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a an allowance ormakes you or keeping ajob. Gives you money. Doesn’t allow you ask for money. Takes your commit suicide, orreport Coercion &Threats access tofamily income. you drop chargesordo to know aboutorhave Threatens toharmyou. Prevents your getting you towelfare. Makes Threatens toleave,

Economic Economic illegal things. Abuse Seal Press, Seattle, WA Getting Free, Ginny NiCarthy ©1986 Project,Intervention Duluth, MN Duluth Domestic Abuse Sources: Special Topics / Domestic Violence

Two-thirds of women physically assaulted by Violence for Health Care Providers, 3rd Edition, an intimate said they were victimized multiple Colorado Domestic Violence Coalition, 1991.) times by the same partner in a 12-month period. (National Violence Against Women Survey, Where to Get Help July 2000.) No one, married or single, deserves or has to put up with abuse. All 50 states have laws and shelters Myth #3 Domestic violence only occurs in poor, urban areas. that protect individuals from abusive spouses. Facts: Women of all cultures, races, occupations, Help is available if you just ask. income levels, and ages are battered by husbands, If something about your relationship with your boyfriends, lovers, and partners (Surgeon General spouse scares you and you need to talk, call the Antonia Novello, as quoted in Domestic Violence: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800- Battered Women, publication of the Reference 799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). Department of the Cambridge Public Library, Assistance may also be obtained by e-mailing Cambridge, MA.) the National Domestic Violence Hotline at Approximately one-third of the men counseled [email protected], though this is not an emergency (for battering) at Emerge (Perpetrator’s Interven- e-mail contact. tion Program) are professional men who are well *All above information is from the Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence Web site (www.acadv.org) and is used with respected in their jobs and their communities. permission thereof. These have included doctors, psychologists, law- yers, ministers, and business executives. (For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA, 1990.)

Myth #4 Domestic violence is just a push, slap, or punch; it does not produce serious injuries. Sources: Duluth Domestic Abuse Facts: More than one-third of all rapes and physi- Intervention Project, Duluth, MN cal assaults committed against women by intimates Getting Free, Ginny NiCarthy ©1986 result in injuries that require some medical care. Seal Press, Seattle, WA (National Violence Against Women Survey, July 2000.)

Most research reports that violence against women escalates during pregnancy. One study found that 37 percent of obstetric patients were physically abused during pregnancy. (A. Helton, “Battering during pregnancy,” American Journal of Nursing, August 1986.) ARCHIVE

Each year, medical expenses from domestic Domestic Violence • violence total at least $3 to $5 billion. (Domestic

43 44 • Resources ARCHIVEWeb site: www.nermen.org programs, services, and research. research-based information on marriage education Cooperative Extension’s online clearinghouse of Education Network National Extension Relationship and Marriage Web site: www.healthymarriageinfo.org educators. information and technical assistance for marriage ACF/DHHS -sponsored Web site that provides National Healthy Marriage Resource Center Web site: www.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage/ Health and Human Services Web site. Initiative found is at this U.S. Department of Information on the National Healthy Marriage The Administration for Children and Families Resources Recommended Web site: www.cyfernet.org/ family life topics can found be on their Web site. Research-based information onvariety awide of grams for children, youth, parents, and families. to support community-based educational pro- faculty and county extension educators working university human development and family life CYFERnet anational is network land-grant of Research Network (CYFERnet) Children, Youth and Families Education and Web site: www.smartmarriages.com availability the in community. effectiveness the coursesof andincrease their legislation, and research; and to promote the the field;of to support communityinitiatives, with an interest the in continuing development training programs and resources; to connect those professionals, clergy, and lay educators locate and relationship courses; to help mental health and clearinghouse to help couples locate marriage Education an information as serves exchange The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Couples Education, L.L.C. The Coalition for Marriage, Family and Web site: www.stepfamilies.info work with them. stepfamiliesmembers and of the professionals who information on healthy stepfamily living for A nonprofit clearinghouse for research-based The National Stepfamily Resource Center ARCHIVE TheHealthy Handbook

ARCHIVEHealthy Marriages, Healthy Families

HE-858

Published by the Alabama Cooperative Extension System (Alabama A&M and Auburn Universities) in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. An Equal Opportunity Educator and Employer. © 2007 by the Alabama Cooperative Extension System. All rights reserved. June 2007