Marko van Gaans InA Disjointed the MomentAudiobiography Wu-Wei Institute Press Hong Kong wuwei-inst.org This is a work of creative nonfiction. All the stories in this book are true, but many names have been omitted and/or identifying details have been changed to protect the pri- vacy of the people involved. The dialogues all come from the author’s recollections but they might not be the exact words spoken at the time and are not written to represent word-for-word transcripts. Ra- ther, the author has retold them in a way that evokes the feeling and meaning of what was said and the essence of the dialogues is always accurate. MMXVI This work is the intellectual property of Marko van Gaans, licensed under a Creative Commons International License. CC-BY-NC-ND 4.0 ISBN: 1537269143 ISBN-13: 978-1537269146 Cover art: Mark Rothko’s № 61 Rust and Blue Phoenix (p.9) by Takihisa Tribal Graffiti To my parents, wife and son. Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards. Søren Kierkegaard Playlist 1. Far l'Amore (Smyge Mig Som Støv) — Vientiane | May 2016 11 2. Creep! — The Hague, the Netherlands | October 1992 15 3. Cachaça Mecânica — Guatemala City, Guatemala | July 2000 17 4. Nakupenda — Mombasa, Kenya | March 2001 19 5. Wilmot — Route 4B, Bosnia-Herzegovina | November 1996 22 6. Hell is Round the Corner — Little India, Singapore | 11 September 2001 26 7. Mucho Mambo Sway — Playa del Carmen, Mexico | July 2000 29 8. Every Breath You Take — Prachuap Khiri Khan, Thailand | February 1999 32 9. Hemingway — Eindhoven, the Netherlands | July 2002 35 10. The Battle of Shiloh — Breda, the Netherlands | August 1999 38 www.wuwei-inst.org/salon/in-the-moment 11. Magic Carpet Ride — Bogor, Indonesia | August 2001 41 12. One Way or Another — Vientiane, Laos | October 2002 44 13. We’ve Gotta Get Out of This Place — Busovača, Bosnia-Herzegovina | June 1997 47 14. Don’t You Want Me — Vientiane, Laos | January 2003 51 15. Crazy in Love — Vientiane, Laos | December 2003 54 16. Together in Electric Dreams — Vientiane, Laos | June 2004 57 17. The Lonely Shepherd — Bangkok, Thailand | July 2005 62 18. Sorry — Vientiane, Laos | 15 December 2009 65 19. Don’t Speak — The Hague, the Netherlands |December 1996 69 20. God Only Knows — Vientiane, Laos | Xmas 2013 73 21. Out of Africa — Mt. Mtelo, Kenya | July 2007 76 22. Firestarter — Negdje, Bosnia-Herzegovina | October 1996 80 www.wuwei-inst.org/salon/in-the-moment 23. Changes — Vientiane, Laos |November 2007 83 24. Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen — Breda, the Netherlands |September 1999 87 25. Pourquoi Pas Moi — Vientiane, Laos | July 2008 90 26. These Boots Are Made for Walking — 't Harde, the Netherlands | February 1999 93 27. Mr Hinsom — Vientiane, Laos | February 2003 97 28. Because We Can — Bilbao, Spain| November 2001 101 29. What’s the Difference — Khone Phapheng, Laos | June 2003 105 30. Let’s Get Loud — Vogelsang, Germany | February 1997 109 31. Give Peace a Chance — Vientiane, Laos | March 2008 113 32. Doe Mennene Mexicano — Mourmelon, France |April 2000 116 33. No Tengo Dinero — Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia | March 2009 119 34. Everything for Free — Veldhoven, the Netherlands | November 1998 122 www.wuwei-inst.org/salon/in-the-moment 35. Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me — Vientiane, Laos |April 2003 126 36. The Day of Wrath — Lamma Island, Hong Kong | September 2013 129 37. The Circle of Life — Maralal, Kenya | April 2001 132 38. C’mon Let Me Ride — Star Ferry, Hong Kong | March 2013 135 39. Love — Waalwijk, the Netherlands | January 2001 138 40. Spinning Around in the Air — 123 Show, Hong Kong | March 2014 142 41. Suicide is Painless — 't Harde, the Netherlands | November 2000 146 42. Just Give Me a Reason — Vientiane/Hong Kong | July 2014 150 43. Tous les Garçons et les Filles — Vientiane, Laos | 2003-2016 155 44. Way Back into Love — Vientiane, Laos | June 2016 159 — Discography (the complete playlist) 164 — About the author 169 www.wuwei-inst.org/salon/in-the-moment 垂死和死亡 “Dying and Dead” 1 Far l ’Amore Vientiane, Laos | May 2016 Today (6 May 2016) is my 44th birthday which is an inter- esting number. For the Chinese, the number four (四 SÌ) is the unluckiest of all numbers because of its homophonous resemblance to the word for ‘death’ (死 SǏ). For this reason, many skyscrapers in Chinese cities like Hong Kong and Shanghai omit floor numbers with the number four (i.e. 4, 14, 24 etc.), resulting in a situation where a building with up to 50 floors on its elevator display might actually be ‘only’ 35 floors high. I kind of like this numbers stuff. Way back in 1989 I had a summer fling who was seriously into Chinese astrology and numerology. On her recommendation, I read some books on the topic and learnt that I was born in the year of the rat and my life path number is three. Now this path of three has reached 44. With four being such an unlucky number, you’d assume that 44 would be spelling absolute disaster. For the Chi- nese this is true, they translate 44 as 垂死和死亡, dying and dead. But I’m not Chinese — although the Lao government seems to be of a different opinion and recently adorned my work permit with “race: Chinese” — and from the numer- ology books I read when I was 17, I recall that a multi-digit number should always be simplified to a single one. For the number 44 this means that 4 + 4 = 8 and eight happens to Marko van Gaans |In the Moment be the luckiest number for the Chinese! That’s not too bad, a double negative becomes a positive (i.e. -2 x -2 = 4), finally mathematics makes some sense! I have decided that, for this reason, this is a phoenix year for me. The past 24 years have been quite a roller- coaster ride and during the last couple of years things have been on a downward slide. I’ve kind of lost track of who I am and where I come from. It’s time to rise from the ashes and start climbing again! In an effort to do just that, I spent the past year reliving some my life’s most defining moments through music and writing. The stories that follow this one are the details, the bigger picture is as follows: When I was 20, in the summer of 1992, I was very un- happy. I hated the business college I was attending and had absolutely no idea as to what to do with my life once I finished there. All I knew was what I didn’t want. Then a young Danish psychology student appeared seemingly out of thin air and started messing with my mind. She introduced me to existentialist philosophers like Kierkegaard and Sartre and kept asking me why I did things I didn’t want to do? Who was in control of my life? We talked continuously and in the span of just a couple of days I really got to know myself. One night we went to a bar where I simply told the bartender how much money I had on me and to keep serving us drinks until that ran out. He happily complied. Then, as suddenly as she had appeared, she vanished. It’s amazing how people manage to jump in and out of your life at the exact right time. She had gone back to Denmark from where she sent me a poem which started with the line: “Smyge mig som støv i alle revner og hjørner,” Nestle me like dust in all cracks and corners. This resonated with me. 12 Far l’Amore (Smyge Mig Som Støv) I shouldn’t be doing whatever was expected of me, I should be stirring up the dust caused by new experiences, avoid any ‘I wish I had…’ moments later in life and relish the dust which over time would nestle itself into the cracks and corners of my existence. I had to take control of my own life and so I left the business college, even though this meant being drafted into the army. The eight years that followed — one as a conscript and seven as a professional non-commissioned officer — were the sheer definition of an adventurous rollercoaster ride. Among many other things, I learnt how to drive a tracked Armoured Personnel Carrier, blew stuff up, spent time in war-torn Bosnia-Herzegovina, climbed mountains all over Europe, skydived in Thailand, scuba-dived in Mexico and generally travelled to foreign countries as often as possible. It was quite a ride! Because I chose short-term contracts, I was able to move from the infantry to the artillery and fi- nally to a drones unit of the military intelligence. But in early 2001 I had to make a choice; either sign a contract till pension or quit. With today’s hindsight of what a mess the world has become since September 2001, I can safely say I made the right choice in leaving the army. I now had two options: do the sensible thing and find a steady new career or take my savings and go on a round- the-world trip. In line with my Smyge mig som støv men- tality, I chose the latter. I’d met too many senior NCOs in the army talking about their plans for after retirement and too many retired ones who also once had those same plans, but hadn’t fulfilled any, nor were they planning to.