pact’s Spring 2011 point of view The newsletter for adoptive families with children of color

In This Issue “Racially Conscientious” “Racially Conscientious” Parenting Parenting in a “Colorblind” in a “Colorblind” Society by Terry Keleher 1 Society and Genetics: by Terry Keleher Why We Need to Pay Attention A version of this article was published online at ColorLines.com. by E. Kay Trimberger 3 “ hose baby is that?” “Is that your ?” Adoption Loss: W Shortly after my adopted newborn son arrived, whenever we were out in A Birth Mother Remembers public, we drew frequent stares and questions from strangers. Though we live in a by Debra Baker 5 racially diverse neighborhood, I didn’t expect the sight of a middle-aged White man Diversity at School 9 carrying an African American peering out from a colorful chest-worn sling to be A Legacy of Love 12 such an attention-grabber.

Remembering Elena 12 When White people looked at us, they often seemed curious about the nature Spring Training: The Dance of our relationship, but few would ask of Attachment 14 questions. The unspoken code of etiquette was feigned “colorblindness,” trying not Thank You for Your Support! 15 to notice racial difference. Some genuinely In Every Issue expressed how cute my son was, while others over-emphasized the point, as if Terry and son Nathan Director’s Corner to prove their racial tolerance. Some tried Adoptive : to touch my son’s hair, perhaps feeling more license to explore a seemingly exotic Pact’s Point of View 6 feature. I’d quickly reposition my son out of their reach.

Teen Corner Black adults and children were more direct, questioning whose kid this was and Pact Teen Club Welcomes where I got him. Though often abrupt, they seemed sincere in looking out for this Connie and Nile 7 child as one of their own. Viewing me with suspicion is justifiable when you look at the big picture, where even well intentioned White people still don’t have the best Pact Family Story: Our Staff 8 track record for effectively dealing with privilege, cultural differences, or persistent inequality. Ask Pact Transracial Adoption: Laying As an educator by profession—and one who leads trainings about racial justice—I Our Cards on the Table 10 approach these interactions as “teachable moments.” They’re also “learnable moments” for me, for each has its own nuances needing skillful navigation. Instead of taking offense to intrusive questions or avoiding difficult conversations, I try to embrace them with patience and openness. I make exceptions when someone’s downright rude, but that’s rare. Sometimes I get things right, but often, I figure out pact provides adoption later what I wish I had said. services to children of color, For years, I deliberated over my options for creating a family. I knew the choice of including both adoptive an open transracial adoption of a newborn Black child by a single gay White dad placement and support programs would involve daily and lifelong learning about an array of complex social dynamics. for children and youth. To serve Since I wasn’t just making choices about my own life, my concerns provided plenty of fodder for sleepless nights. My hope was, and still is, that we’d find a way the children, we offer parents through the challenges, all the more wiser and perhaps even closer. I plunged into lifelong education and support on family, race and adoption issues. (cont. on pg. 2) “Racially Conscientious” Parenting (cont.) parenthood, fully embracing the steep learning curve ahead, and actively part of the solution instead of unconsciously but still so unprepared. I knew I would have to draw on all and passively part of the problem. Parents have a particularly my training in racial justice work, and reach out to find new influential role to play in shaping the awareness and abilities resources as well—like Pact’s Family Camp, where both my of our children and in breaking down the barriers and bias of son and I return each summer to connect with and learn from our neighborhood institutions, from schools and businesses other families like ours. to government agencies and social services. As a White person traveling solo, I know I can go about my As I continue, every day, my own learning process, I’ve business mostly unconscious, unnoticed, and uninterrupted. gathered some tips for racially conscientious parenting that With my son in the same places, a lot changes. I can only can also be helpful for grandparents, guardians, teachers and begin to imagine him, as a Black youth or grown man, others involved in child-raising: traveling these places on his own. He’s sure to encounter 1. Acknowledge and discuss the reality of racism. a whole different set of reactions from pedestrians, Addressing racism involves seeing and listening more shopkeepers, teachers, prospective employers, landlords, carefully, and speaking up when something’s wrong. Don’t police officers. The seemingly mundane interactions of be “colorblind” or “race-mute”—avoidance is unhelpful and everyday life are connected to a web of cultural stereotypes, silence is complicity. We must illuminate racism in order media images, biased institutions, and unfair laws. to eliminate racism. As adults, we can step up and initiate The way he’ll need to respond will be different than the way I ongoing and age-appropriate discussions about race. We can choose to respond. And we have to stay in sync when we’re learn through practice how to lead and model constructive, together. My White skin gets me over in ways his dark skin validating, and enlightening conversations. will not. I’m given the benefit of the doubt that I’m a normal I began talking with my son about race at an early age. We’ve upright citizen doing the right thing. I carry my racial privilege discussed how sometimes people don’t get treated fairly in all routine matters, regardless of how anti-racist or racist I because of their skin color and how they’ve had to stand up may be. My son won’t be given such a pass and he’ll need to for their rights. I’ve explained that I’m called “White” even be prepared. though my skin is tan, and he’ll often be called “Black,” As my son nears seven years of age, the public interactions though his skin is brown. We talk about current events, like are changing. On our last airline trip, a security agent, upon a few summers back when a group of Black children weren’t noticing our racial difference, looked my son directly in the allowed to swim in a Pennsylvania pool. These conversations eye while pointing at me, and asked him “Who is this man?” are as natural as talking about the changing weather and Fortunately, my son didn’t joke back, as he’s quite capable safely crossing the street. I’m helping him understand his of doing. I realized I hadn’t prepared him enough for airport reality so he’s equipped to deal with it. And I want him to scrutiny, where he could easily be racially profiled. know that it’s okay to talk openly about race, especially with me, and hopefully with others. Last year, as a kindergartener at the local public school, when my son took another child’s show-and-tell toy and hid it in 2. Learn to understand and challenge institutional his locker, he was sent to the principal’s office with a formal racism. Racism is not simply personal prejudice, but rather, disciplinary referral for stealing. It landed him an in-school a system of institutional inequality. It’s not enough to try and detention and a call home from the principal. I never imagined change yourself or other individuals. We also have to change I’d have to discuss with school personnel the absurdity of institutions that have biased practices and unfair policies. applying Zero Tolerance policies to five-year-olds. Chances are, racial profiling by the police, predatory lending by financial institutions, by landlords and employers, As the parent of a Black child and member of a “conspicuous and the exploitation of immigrants are occurring daily in your family,” race will always be a conscious part of our daily community. Instead of ignoring or accepting this, parents can lives. But being conscious about racism shouldn’t be limited work to make things fair, to create a world where all children to families of color or mixed-race families, just as being and families have equal rights, respect, and opportunities. unconscious about racism shouldn’t be a luxury for so many White families. By all key indicators, most White people fare Schools are a great place to start challenging institutional much better than most people of color because of past and racism since most families have direct experience with them. continuing bias. Yet we downplay the disparities and dally When parents at my son’s racially diverse school learned with the delusion of a “colorblind” and “post-racial” society. of a proposed policy change that would make it easier for Racism won’t disappear because of wishful thinking or blind the district’s wealthier and whiter schools to obtain more magic. Replicating this denial in our homes and families only computer equipment, we started a petition and presented perpetuate the inequities. it as a group to the school board. For we know that the so- called “racial achievement gap” is often a reflection of a Instead of “colorblind parenting” where we try to protect our resource gap, where unequal inputs yield unequal outcomes. kids from racism by pretending it doesn’t exist, we need to embrace “racially conscientious parenting” where we prepare If the Advanced Placement classes are filled with mostly our children and ourselves to deal with our racialized reality so White students, if the curriculum is perpetuating stereotypes, we can change it. It means choosing to become consciously (cont. on pg. 11)

2 point of view | Spring 2011 “Racially Conscientious” Parenting (cont.)

surprised because in my phone conversations and a visit with Adoption and them, I had seen that they (like Marco) were charming and intelligent people. I learned, however, that substance abuse Genetics had taken a toll on their lives, especially the father’s. Reunion has helped Marco secure a stronger sense of self, Why We Need to Pay Attention especially since he found mixed-race heritage on both sides. by E. Kay Trimberger His mother married another black man and had three more n 2006 I helped my twenty-five-year-old son Marco locate biracial children, and his father’s extended family is multiracial I his biological families. I hoped this reunion would help him as well. But reunion also added many complications to his overcome some of the challenges he was wrestling with life, as he has tried to reconcile the heritage of what he on his path to calls his “three families.” Only gradually, through moving to adulthood. I was Louisiana for six months and living first with his birth mother thrilled when the and then with his birth father, did Marco acknowledge their families of both shared substance abuse problems. This realization led him his white mother for the first time to enter a recovery program, something his and his black birth parents have never done. He sought to overcome the father welcomed negative part of his birth heritage so he could build on the him. But I was positive. Recently, I asked Marco how he was different from unprepared for the his birth father. discovery of how “Not a heck of a lot,” he replied. “But I have better tools.” much he had in Marco’s reunion experience led me to undertake my own common with his search, a quest to understand genetics and how they might Kay Trimberger and son Marco birth parents: not impact adoption. Perhaps I hoped to find that nature is just appearance, but also many personality traits, talents and everything, and that I could let go of my parental guilt for his problems. problems. As a social scientist with little biological education, When I adopted in 1981, I believed—like many social I began by looking at science journalism, then turned to the scientists and adoption professionals at that time—that original research. I found that genetics alone could not explain nurture was everything, each infant a blank slate awaiting either Marco’s positive behavior or his addiction; genes parental inscription. Even when Marco was a young child, I provide only probabilistic propensities not predetermined recognized that this idea was too simple, that my son had programming. They provide probabilities for behavior and risk many attributes different from those of anyone else in my factors for disease, but do not indicate whether any individual family. Still, I was surprised by these reunion revelations. will sustain a behavior or succumb to a particular mental or The adoption theory that I absorbed over the years never physical disorder, or how severe the disease will be. I did, mentioned genetic heritage. Marco’s difficulty finding his however, gain important insights into adoptive parenting. way as a young adult, I was told, might stem from a number What I found astounded me: an interdisciplinary field that I’d of psychological factors. First was the loss of a birth mother never heard of called behavioral genetics. Though not focused with whom he had bonded in utero—a “primal wound” that on adoption per se, many of its findings are based on the supposedly made it difficult for him to bond with an adoptive study of adoptees. 1 While I had not known about this field by mother. This idea never resonated with me, for we always name, I had heard of some its more infamous practitioners, had a close connection, with a lot of emotional and verbal like those at the turn of the century who advocated selective sharing. Even in our most troubled times, we never lost breeding and forced sterilization. I also knew about a contact, and he often confided in me. If anything, I saw him few more recent behavioral geneticists who published as too close to me, his only parent. controversial studies of racial differences in I.Q. But now I discovered that behavioral genetics had gained legitimacy as More compelling was the idea that he had been affected by a science for its studies on individual differences. the fetal environment of a stressed teenage birth mother, who probably drank and smoked. This, possibly combined Behavioral genetics tries to explain how much of the with a weak sense of self deriving from a loss of ethnicity variation among individuals’ cognitive and psychological and family history, especially prevalent in the transracially traits can be attributed to genetic heritage and how much adopted, might help to explain why he chose a life outside is due to the environment. Their major methodology is a the mainstream, one that for many years involved heavy natural experiment which separates genetic heritage and marijuana and alcohol use.

None of these theories, however, prepared me for the shock 1 For those interested in further reading, you can request a short of finding that my son’s birth mother and father—out of touch annotated bibliography on this topic from Pact at [email protected]. with each other for twenty-five years—had both struggled with drug addiction throughout their lives. I was especially (cont. on pg. 4)

Spring 2011 | point of view 3 Adoption and Genetics (cont.) environment by comparing the similarities and differences itself. But the nature of an adopted child also affects the among adoptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents, nurture offered them. For example, a child’s auditory and also between biological and adoptive siblings. Behavioral sensitivity and the speed at which they can decode language genetics, in addition, studies identical twins raised apart. In affects how she or he experiences a parent’s voice. Thus, studies over a number of years in many different countries, nature and nurture are two inseparable sides of the same researchers concur that identical twins separated at birth and coin, which continues to spin throughout life. adopted into different families, compared to identical twins Currently, behavioral genetics, combined with molecular raised together by their biological parents, are very similar genetics, tells us that behavior is influenced by many genes, on a number of measures of personality, temperament, each of which may have a large or small effect. Geneticists intelligence, interests and susceptibility to physical and know that genes build proteins which influence the nervous mental disease. Additionally, identical twins raised apart are system and the brain before leading to certain behaviors, more similar than fraternal twins raised together. but they haven’t yet identified the exact mechanisms of this Even more interesting is a study published in 1997 by process. Gene expression is further complicated by new Robert Plomin and his colleagues at The Colorado Adoption findings that genes can turn each other on or off, and are Project. Their twenty-year longitudinal study of 245 affected by environmental changes. adoptees, placed in the first few months of life, compared So why should we be interested in a field with a tainted past the children’s cognitive abilities to those of their birth and and controversial findings which look too complicated to adoptive parents. (Ninety percent of the biological parents provide useful knowledge in the near future? The answer is and ninety-five percent of adoptive parents were white that the large, international pool of data about adoptees, and and from roughly equal social classes.) Before age five, some of the research findings they have generated, can alter the adoptees’ cognitive skills correlated more with those the way we think about and act in adoption. in their adoptive families. As they matured, however, the adoptees’ cognitive skills, including verbal ability, became Behavioral genetics indicates that the more we know about more like those of their biological parents. The researchers the birth families, the better parents we can be. Thomas concluded that “environmental transmission from parent to Bouchard, a prominent behavioral geneticist, concluded in a offspring has little effect on later cognitive ability.” A number 1990 article in Science: “If the correct formula is nature via of other studies, including ones on transracial adoption, have nurture then intervention is not precluded even for highly replicated these results. heritable traits, but should be more effective when tailored to each specific child’s talents and inclinations.” For too Behavioral geneticists have found that all behavioral traits, long, the practice of closed adoption, and adoptive parents’ cognitive and psychological, normal and abnormal, have at fears about open adoption, have hindered our efforts to be least a modest genetic component. However, since genetic effective parents. heritage accounts for only about fifty percent or less of the difference between individuals, there is plenty of room for an Beth Hall, the director of Pact, provides an example of how impact by the environment. We might think—and traditional knowledge about the birth family can help adoptive parents: psychology has taught us—that the family environment I remember a case once where a kid who was kind of a would be the most important other factor in explaining tinkerer was placed with a family that was very goal-oriented. adult outcomes. But a number of studies have found that The family felt that he was not motivated and not “trying” highly important in explaining behavioral variation are the in school, but when we talked with his birth family, it turns experiences a child does not share with siblings, whether out that many of them were engineers and web designers because of different prenatal conditions, distinct interactions who had similar histories in school, but later bloomed into between parents and the individual child or because of professional tinkerers if you will, who learned by doing. Once different experiences outside the home, many of them the adoptive parents were enlightened about this, they were chosen by the child as she or he matures. This “non-shared able to take a different attitude and actually promote his environment” is partially influenced by genes. Science writer tinkering. They stopped taking down his “projects” because it Matt Ridley in The Agile Gene: How Nature Turns on Nurture, was “time to clean up.” explains: “The environment acts as a multiplier of small genetic differences, pushing athletic children toward the When getting to know their child, non-adoptive parents have sports that reward them and pushing bright children toward the advantage of access to extended family information. the books that reward them.” The non-shared environment They may see a bit of themselves in their child—or they may also allows for unsystematic, idiosyncratic and serendipitous recognize traits of a parent, sibling, or other relation. Adoptive events during the individual life course that cannot be parents often don’t have this advantage. Parents who adopt predicted by research. internationally and others with no access to birth families must accept that their child is not a blank slate. All of us need This is not to say that the family environment does not to discover our child’s interests and abilities, and figure out matter. Rather, the researchers conclude that nature acts how to parent to the child’s strengths and weaknesses. We through nurture; the care provided by parents (biological and adoptive) is necessary for the genetic heritage to express (cont. on pg. 14)

4 point of view | Spring 2011 Adoption and Genetics (cont.)

this letter. There was no place to send it and I could not throw Adoption Loss it away. A Birth Mother Remembers By this time a few of my friends knew about the adoption, and I told my boyfriend, but I did not talk about it, and never by Debra Baker spoke about it to my family. No one wanted to hear how I delivered my baby on February 28, 1968, knowing he was felt and they would never understand. I was in therapy for I not mine to keep. I named him Sean Christian, knowing that a while, hoping to put the issue “to rest,” but how is that name was not his to keep. Adoption is seen as a gift but it is possible? It will never be put to rest. about loss. As a young mother giving up my infant son I didn’t As the years passed I watched my niece and two nephews just lose my baby, I lost myself. grow up, wondering about my son, their cousin they didn’t I loved being pregnant, feeling my know about. I felt like I was living a lie. I was an imposter. I growing belly, figuring out which bump could not say I had a child when asked and that always made was my baby’s head, which was his my stomach tighten. My cousin adopted two children around little bottom. He kicked so much my the time of my son’s adoption and that was like a knife in my ribs were sore, but I didn’t want it to heart. But I lived my life, just as the adoption caseworker said end. I can remember the place I lived I would, but never forgetting my son, as she promised. Debra Baker while pregnant, the other girls, even Sean turned twenty-one when I was forty, and I began a what I ate, and my two dresses. My feelings are not as slow journey towards awareness about losing him and what easy to remember, probably because the fear and shame I that meant. The next nine years would take me through an experienced was so profound. emotional upheaval I hadn’t felt since signing the adoption When I signed the relinquishment papers five weeks after I papers. All of the anger, shame, and guilt surfaced and my gave birth, nightmares and depression overwhelmed me as emotions were difficult to control. I screamed, I ranted, I I struggled to figure out a way to do the impossible, to keep cried, until my boyfriend insisted we go to a Searchfinders my baby. As the milk leaked from my breasts, my mother meeting and fill out papers to do a search. bound them, but her efforts could not hide the fact that I was During this emotional time I produced a film about my a mother without her child. I pretended it didn’t matter, and experience as an “unwed mother” and the lifelong since my folks didn’t talk about it, it didn’t happen. I would ramifications of adoption. My anger at the stereotypical live my life trying to forget. images on TV and in the movies of birthmothers being Of course, I could not forget. Every February 28 I wondered drunks, drug addicts, or otherwise unfit fueled my desire where he was and what he was doing, how he looked and if to show a real birthmother. I started to tell my story, and he was happy. I felt profoundly sad, and I had no one to talk began to heal, as friends and strangers responded with to about it. Who would understand? I was not in contact with compassion and support. I spoke to my family about what the girls I lived with while pregnant. Did anyone even care? happened, but unfortunately my dad died before we had the My nephew was eleven months older than my son, so I was chance to discuss it. Though I felt completely alone during acutely aware of the growing stages my son went through. my pregnancy and through the following years, adoption I love kids and they are naturally attracted to me. Being with happened to the whole family, not just me. them constantly reminds me of my feelings for my baby, and I found my son while I was editing the film, when he was reinforces my belief that I would be a great mother. thirty years old. The excitement of meeting him, and then my Five years after Sean was born, I tried to imagine him going grandchildren, carried me through the days. I told everyone to kindergarten. I was not the mother zipping his jacket and I knew and anyone who would listen. I joked that I was “out kissing him goodbye; someone else had that pleasure. I of the closet” and it felt great. I began to think of myself as a started college myself, but it felt strange to be in class with mother. I have a son and no legal document will change that. other young people, younger than myself. I was twenty-four But I am aware that I am not the woman who raised him, and a mother, but my persona was of a cool, single woman. I and that will never change. But to be in each other’s lives is a had a secret no one could know. long-awaited gift. n Debra Baker wrote, produced, directed, and edited the films I wrote my son a letter on his sixteenth birthday; I was thirty- “Broken Ties” and “Lost and Found,” which have screened on five. “Today is your sixteenth birthday. It’s hard to believe.” PBS, and at numerous film festivals. She is a frequent presenter at I felt a deep longing as I imagined him going about his day adoption conferences in the U.S. and Canada, and was awarded the at school. “Are you getting your driver’s license? Please be Excellence in Broadcast Media Award by the American Adoption Congress in 2002. careful,” I wrote. “I think about you everyday, wondering where you are, what you look like, your interests.” I knew I would never see him, and it felt like I was writing to a phantom. “Do you want to meet me?...I will never try to find you. It has to be enough to know that you are loved.” I kept

Spring 2011 | point of view 5 somewhere in the article, and I don’t feel like I did: not all Adoptive adoptive families decide that breastfeeding is an important way to bond with and nurture their child. Breastfeeding Well said! We regret that the prominent placement of this article, and the sidebar that featured a Pact staff member, Pact’s Point of View may have given readers the impression that Pact was n Summer 2010, Pact’s Point of View published a cover “endorsing” or advocating adoptive breastfeeding. It is not I article on adoptive breastfeeding, along with a personal Pact’s stance, nor is it my personal belief, that breastfeeding testimonial from one of our staff members about how it is either better or the only way to attach to an adopted can work—and a photograph of an African American infant child. We know that there are many voices in the world that feeding at the breast of say otherwise, holding up her white adoptive mother. breastfeeding as a somehow When we invited a frequent integral piece of mothering presenter at Pact’s infant- and seeming to undermine care workshop to write the the validity of all mother- article, we were thinking that child relationships that do there was value in reminding/ not include this experience. informing the adoption This is a chorus we have no community that breastfeeding interest in joining. is an option for women who In adoption, so much of our have not given birth to their vision of parenting has to children, something that change if our original image many of our readers might involved bio-children. Each of not know is possible. Editor us must ask ourselves if we Michele Rabkin and I—both are holding onto somewhat- adoptive mothers who never attainable pieces of that breastfed—understood that this was an emotionally loaded vision because we are afraid that adoption is inherently issue, and we tried to ensure that the article respected the second-best. Might breastfeeding become a goal because sensitivities of adoptive parents. Nevertheless, the final article it mimics the “ideal” of biologically-based parenthood and and the way we presented it provoked quite a few responses minimizes the “difference” of the adoption experience? Just and questions from our readers—some of which we failed to as we must fight heterosexist and racist messages when anticipate. they imply that the way of the majority is always best, we What is perhaps most interesting to me is the unwritten must also fight adoptism.1 messages that we missed in publishing this article – and doesn’t that mimic real life, and the misunderstandings that Is breastfeeding healthier? Can it be can so easily spring from well-intentioned conversations therapeutic for trauma? about family, and about race? As parents, our words and actions often have consequences we didn’t anticipate—and it There does seem to be evidence that babies are healthier is up to us to learn from these experiences. So I want to take if they drink human milk rather than formula. Of course this this opportunity to re-examine Pact’s actions and dig deeper does not mean that if they are not fed human milk they are into their implications, in order to model self-examination as a not healthy, just that a large group of human-milk-fed babies means for growth—for Pact, and hopefully our community. were generally healthier than a large group of formula-fed babies. Many adopted babies who are breastfed are not Is breastfeeding better than bottle-feeding? getting human milk and there doesn’t seem to be evidence One of our readers wrote: that it is the breast that matters, rather the milk itself. I felt emotionally impacted (negatively) by this section — on There is evidence that touch reduces stress, but of course the one hand, it feels like it’s supposed to be giving you breastfeeding is not the only form of touch that parents can permission to not have to do everything right, but on the other hand, it’s saying that if you can’t breastfeed, you’re 1 Ironically, because breastfeeding did fall out of fashion for a while in going to have to mourn that too. Again? You’ve hopefully this country, passionate advocates of breastfeeding often feel that they already mourned it if you mourned not being a bio-mom, and themselves are operating from a minority position. now you have to mourn it again because you’re supposed to try to breastfeed your adoptive baby? I wanted to read, (cont. on pg. 13)

6 point of view | Spring 2011 Teen Corner Connie is herself a transracially, transnationally adopted Pact Teen Club adult who has reconnected with her black Colombian birth parents. The fact that Connie continues to work through Welcomes Connie the complexities of race and adoption with her own families helps her understand the issues Teen Club members are and Nile dealing with. She grew up the daughter of a Seventh-day Adventist minister, moving around the country every few dopted teens can fall through the cracks. While a fairly years. Connie says, “Some folks may have heard the song, large number of organizations provide support to newly- A ‘Red and yellow, black, brown and white, they are precious adopted and young children, and a growing number of in His sight; Jesus loves the little children of the world’… organizations support and advocate for the needs of adopted well, my parents were of the colorblind persuasion, telling me repeatedly they would have adopted me even if I was polka-dotted.” The absence of support around racial, ethnic, and cultural identity at home proved challenging as Connie confronted the real world, which was anything but colorblind. She left home for boarding school at age fourteen, seeking a neutral space from which to create herself. The journeys of her teens and twenties eventually led to Connie becoming one of the founding board members of AFAAD (Adopted and Fostered Adults of the African Diaspora). “Connecting with other adult adoptees of color through AFAAD finally enabled me to fully explore and embrace all of my roots.” Nile brings to Teen Club his personal knowledge and experience of racism as a black male in America. Though not adopted himself, he also witnesses and shares the emotional experience of his wife’s adoption story. Through personal Darshan, Nile, Osai and Connie Galambos Malloy experience and academic training on race, class, gender and adults, groups that serve adopted teenagers are few and far sexuality, he is committed to being a positive role mode. He between—and those specifically for adopted teens of color says, “Youth of color are too often assaulted with images of are even rarer. That’s why Pact started its Teen Club in 2004, negative of images of Black women and men portrayed in the with support from Adopt US Kids and the National Adoption media, rather than seeing them as intelligent Black women Information Clearinghouse. and men that are accountable to the health of their family and community.” Pact’s Teen Club focuses on adopted and fostered teens of color, a vulnerable population at a vulnerable time in their As fairly new parents themselves (of three-and-a-half-year- lives. Teen Club gives adopted youth a chance to meet old Darshan and one-year-old Osai), the Malloys are very peers who share their experiences and creates a safe space aware of the ways in which African American children and where they can talk about intense feelings that are surfacing youth are challenged to express a positive outlook in a about adoption, family, and identity. The program meets an racialized and classist world. Building on their experience at obvious need and has grown each year—in 2010, more than Pact Family Camp (where Connie has served as a counselor forty youth from over thirty families around the Bay Area and Children’s Program Director and Nile as Teen Program participated. Director), they are excited to be developing a year-round mentoring curriculum for adopted teens of color. Respecting teens’ growing autonomy, the Teen Club is structured as a social/activity group rather than a support Connie says, “I’m clear that as a teen, I didn’t want adults group, with the husband-and-wife team of Connie Galambos to decide about a group for me, and I certainly didn’t want Malloy and Nile Malloy serving as coordinators. The monthly parents or professionals selecting friends for me. As many meetings alternate between mentoring sessions and a of these teens have demonstrated before, they are more variety of outings and projects. For the first outing of 2011, than capable of asserting their independence and autonomy the kids joined the counselor/mentors on a Freedom Train by rejecting the very things adults think might be best for ride to memorialize Martin Luther King’s historic march from them — especially if they are forced rather than given the Selma to Montgomery in 1965. On alternate months, the opportunity to choose for themselves. However, as a teen Malloys lead facilitated activities that not only allow time I did need a safe space to air the questions echoing in my for friendships to form and grow, but incorporate creative mind and body with people who understood – both as peers, and expressive ways for youth to think about their lives as (cont. on pg. 11) adopted and fostered people.

Spring 2011 | point of view 7 Pact Family Stories . . . community, Malaika attended every workshop she could Our Staff find, but sometimes found the discussions dominated by n each issue of Pact’s Point of View, we share the story white parents who had adopted children of color. Their issues I of an adoptive family that has worked with Pact. Some of and concerns did not always reflect her own, as the African these families were formed with help from Pact’s placement American mother of an African American child. Sometimes program; others connected with Pact after placement. All she found herself wondering whether it was her job to of them continue to turn to Pact for education, support, educate her fellow participants, or be a “spokesperson” for and community. In this issue, we’d like to profile a different all people of color. A turning-point came in 2006, when she “family”—the dedicated group of people who work at Pact to participated in a discussion group just for adoptive parents serve the children and parents in all these families. of color at Pact Family Camp. This was the safe space she had been looking for. Drawing on her years of experience as The name and face people most frequently associate with an educator and organizer for social justice, Malaika began Pact is that of Director Beth Hall, who co-founded the organizing Pact programs for adoptive parents of color, organization with Gail including play groups, discussion groups, and an online Steinberg in 1991. Beth community. Her responsibilities have grown to include was already aware of some counseling pre-adoptive parents of color—and her family has of the joys and sorrows of grown to include a son, adopted with help from Pact in 2011. adoption as the sibling of an adopted sister, but it was Martha Rynberg was also a recipient of Pact’s services her experience adopting before she joined the staff. In fact, she credits Pact with a Latina daughter and an dramatically changing her life, African American son that and that of her entire family. motivated her to start Pact. She and her wife, both white, She saw the need for an adopted an African American organization devoted to daughter while living in Maine. supporting adopted children Seeking to learn more about of color and combatting transracial adoption, Martha discriminatory practices attended the first Pact Family in adoption. While she and Gail were initially focused on Camp in 2002. She came assisting transracial adoptive families like their own (in away convinced that her family 2000 they co-authored the seminal text Inside Transracial needed to move to a more Adoption), over the years Beth has placed more and more diverse community, but it emphasis on recruiting and supporting same-race adoptive wasn’t until the entire family parents for children of color. Today she remains intimately attended in 2004 that her wife was convinced too. Martha involved in Pact’s operations—counseling birth parents, recalls, “We had found our family’s tribe. When we left camp, facilitating placements, consulting with adoptive parents, our daughter sobbed, ‘I wish we could stay here forever.’ leading workshops, developing new programs—while also She spoke what was in all our hearts. We had to move.” The travelling the country as a sought-after speaker and author next year, they moved to Oakland, CA. Since then, a second on issues of adoption and race. She jokes, “Pact is my third daughter has joined their family with Pact’s help, and Martha child.” More seriously, she adds, “I work every day to remain has joined the staff of Pact, counseling LGBTQ and transracial aware of my position of privilege as a white, middle-class, adoptive families and pre-adoptive parents. heterosexual, non-adopted person, and to take action to be an Susan Ito is a woman who ally for people who have been marginalized in our society.” wears many hats, including With help from Pact, Malaika that of Director of Pact Family Parker and her husband Camp, a role she has filled since adopted their daughter in 2004. She is also an educator 2005. She recalls, “The and author—she is the co-editor moment I looked into my of the anthology A Ghost at beautiful baby girl’s eyes, I Heart’s Edge: Stories & Poems knew that I knew absolutely of Adoption and her writing has nothing. I was on a mission appeared in Growing Up Asian to do the impossible, to American, CHOICE, Making More Waves, Hip Mama and be the perfect mom.” Literary Mama. Her work at Pact is particularly near to her Seeking education and heart because she is herself adopted. Susan says, “As an

8 point of view | Spring 2011 Pact Family Stories . . . adopted person, it constantly moves and encourages me Michele Rabkin, Editor to see the honest, brave and heartfelt work that Pact does of Pact’s Point of View, on behalf of adopted people and their (birth and adoptive) is another former Pact families. It makes me personally feel ‘seen’ and validated for placement client. With this lifetime experience, and it makes me feel proud to be help from Pact, she and working for this organization.” Anyone who has attended Pact her husband brought their Family Camp will recognize in those words Susan’s trademark daughter home in 2005. enthusiasm and candor. In 2008 Michele wrote for POV for the first time, an Pact Family Camp has continued to grow each year—53 article that explored her families with 92 children attended in 2010. Last year Pact experience as an adoptive parent in an inter-racial relationship. was delighted to welcome Deanna Matthews as the new In 2009 she became the Editor of POV, and her role has now Assistant Camp Director expanded to include editing other Pact publications. Michele and Education Specialist. says, “I love editing POV because I get to read all the articles Deanna works year-round as soon as they are written! Our contributors always give me to help organize the food for thought and challenge me to be a better parent.” complex logistics of Camp, as well as Pact’s other For an extended profile of Connie Galambos-Malloy and workshops, trainings, and Nile Malloy, Pact Teen Club Coordinators, please see special events. Deanna is a page 7. n biracial (African American/ white) single parent who has found great commonality between her own experience of racial ambiguity and that of many adoptees of color. She says, “I love working for Pact because we are there before, during, and after placement for all aspects of the triad. What I love most about Pact is it has given me the tools that I need to be a better ally for Diversity at School all adoptees—but most importantly my beautiful niece and just started middle school this year. A few weeks nephew!” J into the semester, he said to his mom: “I have good friends, I go to a good school, I have a good Another recent arrival in the Pact Office is Business Manager life…. I can be myself. I don’t have to choose Tiffaney Cloyd. If you call Pact, chances are hers is the between being the ‘good black boy’ or the ‘bad black cheerful voice you will hear on the boy.’” other end of the line. A native of the Bay Area, Tiffaney brings to Pact Most of us would describe the elementary school extensive experience in non-profit that J attended before as pretty diverse, even administration. In addition to office though the largest racial population at the school is management, her interests lie in the white (see figures below). Now he is attending a areas of human rights, public policy, school where whites are the smallest minority and and legal justice. She says, “I love the largest population is African American like him — the dedication and devotion of all the and it is making a difference. staff, the way we are all personally His mother says “It makes a huge difference for him connected to what Pact does and included in its journey.” to be in a majority environment. He has never been Recently returned to Pact is Julie Randolph, who served happier. We have never seen him like this. And he as an educator and counselor at Pact for many years. Julie was able to figure out why he feels that way too. has over 25 years of experience as a It is really amazing to see him grow, to watch him social worker and an attorney, but it is become who he is. We are in a good spot her experience as the African American right now.” adoptive mother to two African American J’s Elementary School J’s Middle School boys in an open adoption that fuels the 50% White 36% African American passion and vision she brings to her work 22% African American 29% Asian with Pact. Julie is advising Pact on the 10% Multiracial 16% Latino transition from an adoption facilitator to a 7% Latino 12% White licensed adoption agency. 7% Asian

Spring 2011 | point of view 9 Up until the early 1960s, most adoptive families shared the Ask Pact same race, often “passing” as biological families. However, since the legalization of abortion and the de-stigmatization of single motherhood, the number of white infants being Transracial placed in adoption in the United States has plummeted. This context led to an increase in international —and in Adoption transracial domestic adoptions. It became “easier” to adopt a child from another country, or a child of color born in the Laying Our Cards on the Table United States, than to wait for the few available white babies.

I have heard that Pact is the place to go to learn about During the same period, a growing number of white people Q: adopting children of color, but I’ve also been told that whose consciousness had been raised about racial prejudice Pact has a very negative attitude toward white parents who want began to consider the possibility that they could love a child to adopt transracially. Do you work with white people? Or are you of any race. Some people now decide that their primary opposed to transracial adoption? desire is to build a family, and that they are open to doing so by adopting a child of any race, white or otherwise. Some Pact has been a respected leader in the field of go a step further, officially dropping out of the “competition” A: adoption for decades, but we still hear erroneous to adopt a white baby and concentrating their efforts on rumors that Pact only supports same-race adoption, or that adopting a child of color, either domestically or internationally. our main focus is transracial adoption. Neither is accurate— Some may feel that adopting a child of color is a “good and as usual, the truth is complicated. deed” (an idea promoted by adoption professionals who use How would you respond if an African the language of finding families who are American couple told you they were only “willing” to adopt children of color). Some interested in adopting a white child?1 feel that, due to their own age, lifestyle or Their desire would strike most of us as other factors, their chances of becoming odd. If they were dead set on raising a parents are slim if they focus on adopting white child, you would think about all the within their own race. challenges that lay ahead for them—on In our experience, it can be extremely the playground, in the classroom, in the difficult to get white pre-adoptive parents supermarket—and hope that they were to speak candidly about why they are getting plenty of support and building a considering adopting a child of color. strong community as they prepared to Many have been struggling for years to create their “highly visible” family. start a family, and they want only to give African American families seeking to adopt the “right” answers that will move them white children are almost non-existent, quickly towards the baby they are yearning but Pact is contacted all the time by white for. But rather than glossing over issues families seeking to adopt children of color. of race or sliding into the “colorblind/love Pact was founded by two white women who adopted across is enough” mindset, we ask white pre-adoptive parents to racial lines, and our staff and board include several transracial sit with some hard questions about racism, white privilege, (as well as same-race) adoptive parents. We don’t doubt that and racial identity formation. If they are “willing” to adopt a transracial adoption can create strong, loving families. But we child of color, in order to fulfill their dreams of becoming a are well-aware that having parents who don’t share their race parent, are they “willing” to do the work necessary to help creates additional challenges for children who must already that child grow into a strong, proud, and culturally confident process the challenges of having parents to whom they are adult of color? Are they ready to make changes and perhaps not biologically related. We actively recruit adoptive parents of experience discomfort in their own lives, in order to serve color—because we believe same-race adoption is easier for their children’s needs? It may be Pact’s determination to ask the children. Because no child should wait to be placed in a these uncomfortable but crucial questions that has given us loving, permanent family, we also work with parents who wish a reputation, in some quarters, of being “negative” about to adopt across racial lines, if they are willing to do the work transracial adoption. Actually, we are just being honest. necessary to ensure that their child can develop a positive While for some, adopting a child of color may be a natural racial identity. But we’d like to start from a point of honesty extension of a personal community that is already highly about why these families choose transracial adoption. multicultural, for others, the desire to parent may be driving So let’s talk candidly about why white couples and individuals them to form an intimate relationship with a person of seek to adopt children of color. color for the first time in their lives. That is why Pact began Building Community Across Cultures, a training program for those considering adopting across racial and/or cultural lines. 1 This exact scenario is explored in the training video companion to We want to reach prospective transracial and transnational Adopted, The Movie.

10 point of view | Spring 2011 adopters before they adopt and get them thinking about the Racially Conscientious Parenting diversity of their current community—their neighbors, their (cont. from page 2) friends, their local schools, their doctors and dentists—and if there aren’t many teachers of color, you can do something how it might impact their child. about it. Ask questions, talk with students about their Many in the adoption field support transracial adoption just experiences, request public documents, organize parents, talk enough to place children of color with white parents—but to elected officials, notify the media and take public action. they do little to prepare those parents for the fundamental If you’re White, you don’t have to wait for people of color to changes they need to make in their family life after complain first. You can be change agents and agitators, by placement. We call this the “colorblind/love is enough” speaking out when something’s wrong, as well as allies to approach (or, in some cases, the “adoption as a business” people of color. approach), and we reject it. We believe that race matters, racism exists, and building a positive racial identity for 3. Offer proactive solutions to advance racial justice. transracially adopted children of color has to be an intentional Reacting to racism is necessary, but not sufficient to bring goal, actively pursued. Pact not only requires transracial about change. Instead of dwelling on “who’s a racist,” it’s adopters to complete specific pre-placement training, we more useful to ask “what’s causing the racial inequality?” and provide post-placement workshops, trainings, support groups, “what can be done to make things fair?” These questions and consultations, as well as our annual Pact Family Camp, move you from a reactive to a proactive framework. They all in an effort to give transracial adopters the skills and also shift the focus from individuals and their intentions, to knowledge they need to parent successfully. institutions and their impacts. We need to suggest concrete proposals that actually advance equity, inclusion, diversity, and So do we support transracial adopters? You bet. Pact provides unity. By offering viable alternatives and doable actions, you myriad positive, proactive programs that help transracial can cut through resistance and recruit unlikely allies. adoptive families. Do we do transracial placements? A few, but we make sure to balance our recruitment to reflect the In some Chicago schools with highly biased and punitive imbalance we see in the rest of the adoption community, disciplinary practices, parents and students have introduced where adoptive parents of color are under-represented and restorative justice programs. Some schools have under-served. We see ourselves as allies of adopted children implemented new curricula to accurately teach about racial of color and measure our success in all our services by how histories and cultures. Look around and the possibilities are well we serve their needs. n endless. Perhaps your public library needs more computers for those who don’t have them at home; maybe your local hospital could devote more profits to health care for low- income families. Many positive models already exist. It just takes proactive thinking and persistent action. Teen Corner (cont. from page 7) 4. Learn by taking action. Most racism is not perpetrated and as mentors…this is the type of space we’re trying to with intent or malice; it’s perpetuated through silence and cultivate through Pact’s Teen Club. ” inaction. Only when we move from words to action will real learning and change begin. You’ll gain clarity and confidence Nile adds, “Being a part of the Pact summer program and as you take action, risks and leadership. You’ll expand your now working with the Teen Club, we recognize how well- insights, skills, connections, and support. The path forward facilitated discussion opportunities bring out the real hearts of may not always be clear and direct, but moving from where teens, helping them address very complicated experiences we’re stuck to a place of new possibilities is well worth the and feelings. These sessions give the teens ownership of journey. their emotions and create a community support system that respects each of their individual stories.” Racially conscientious parenting involves awareness and action, commitment and courage, patience and persistence. Connie understands that it may be hard for parents to These are all transferable traits we hone in other aspects of convince their eye-rolling teens to try Teen Club, but she parenting. Racism insidiously replicates itself, but as parents, concludes, “Can we guarantee that each child will have fun we are well-positioned to be on the frontline of change. If or connect with this group? No. Is pushing attendance just we keep our eyes on the prize—racial equity for all—we can setting up another source of ammunition for them to say, start at home, then work outward in our communities to build ‘I told you so,’ if they don’t have a good time? Maybe. Is it real and lasting change. Teaching by example how to create worth a try to give them an opportunity to find a group that a more just world is one of the greatest gifts we can give our may feel like a better fit than some of their other activities? children. n Having been in their shoes myself, I guarantee you: IT’S A RISK WORTH TAKING!” n Terry Keleher is a racial justice educator with the Applied Research Center, which publishes ColorLines.com, popularizes racial justice, To learn more about how to join Pact Teen Club, please visit www. and prepares people to take purposeful action. He and his son pactadopt.org. A separate “tween” group (ages 10-12) has its own regularly attend Pact Camp, an annual gathering for adoptive families mentors and activities. parenting children of color.

Spring 2011 | point of view 11 A Legacy of Love Remembering Elena hen Kay Melchor decided that she wanted to adopt W and became a Pact client, her sister Karen Froman was there to support her from the very beginning. She was at the hospital to support Kay and her son Nate’s birthmother through labor and delivery. She was there to rejoice when daughter Malea joined the family, and throughout the years she was always there for Kay and the kids. Sometimes we forget that Karen and Nate adoption not only alters the lives of children and their parents, but also profoundly changes the lives of extended family. Karen’s journey of adoption began with her sister and the love she felt for Nate and Malea, but she understood early on that the institution of adoption embodied the best and lena Santabella, her husband Mark Marcum, and their two the worst of human nature. Over E children attended Pact Family Camp just months before the years she gave consistently Elena passed away from cancer on October 7, 2010. One of to Pact, not just with her dollars her dreams was to make sure her children benefited from the but also with her heart. She sent experience of attending Camp. Honoring that dream, Mark notes of appreciation and concern has started Elena’s Fund, to ensure that other families can also about the importance of serving attend and benefit from the Camp experience. children first, and developed her Even as she battled illness, Elena had such energy and own passion for service to children passion. We saw her as a mother bear, protective and fiercely of color in the world of adoption. loyal to her cubs; optimistic and eager to learn and grow; We lost Karen Froman on May aware of her own privileges, never taking for granted either 28, 2009. In an act of tremendous the pain or the joy of life—a force really. We believe that even generosity, demonstrating her Karen and Malea though she had too short a time in the lives of her children deep commitment to the well- and all of us, she had a profound impact in starting her being of adopted children of color everywhere, she named children the right way, with incredible security and fierceness Pact as a beneficiary of her that can only be good for them. estate. This remarkable gift, We were all certainly lucky to have Elena in our lives. Her valued at over half a million legacy will live on in our commitment to doing our part to dollars, is the largest of its support her children, her family, and others like them in the kind that Pact has received lifelong journey of adoption. n in its 20-year history, and will have a huge impact on the children and families we serve. At a time when So Many Ways to Help Karen, Kay, and the kids on a many non-profit organizations act welcomes contributions to Elena’s Fund, which is helping to family trip to Africa are downsizing or closing, P keep Pact Family Camp accessible and affordable for as many Karen’s legacy will provide a strong, stable foundation for families as possible. We also welcome gifts in memory or in honor of Pact’s long-term survival and growth. other individuals who are important to you and your family. Karen, we miss you and we honor you. Thank you for If you are inspired by Karen Froman’s example, we invite you to contact allowing us to continue our efforts to change the landscape Pact to discuss planned giving opportunities. Planned giving can enable of adoption and our work to ensure the happiness of adopted you to make larger gifts than you can make from your income. Some children of color like Nate and Malea, one child at a time. Your planned gifts can provide you with a lifelong income, while others use legacy will live on through the children and families Pact can estate and tax planning techniques to provide for charitable giving and n now serve! other heirs in ways that maximize your gift and/or minimize its impact on your estate. Pact Director Beth Hall would be happy to discuss possibilities with you.

12 point of view | Spring 2011 Director’s Corner (cont. from page 6) tireless work includes a dedication to educate and advocate for interracial and transracial adoptions. You also have practice with infants. Infant massage and close holding while clients, however, like my husband and I, who are same race feeding have been scientifically proven to help infants and adopting. A photo that reflects the diversity of Pact’s adoptive babies overcome stress and promote health, including the parent pool would have been far more inviting, inclusive and reduction of cortisol and increasing levels of oxytocin. These appropriate. Why not a photo with many women of diverse methods for keeping babies happy and healthy can be used backgrounds, with their faces included, holding their adoptive with or without breastfeeding. children? I am hopeful this was not your intention, but for Babies thrive by being nurtured. Not feeding a child when me the image excludes our adoption. To me, the racialized he or she is hungry, not offering comfort when a child is image implies that transracial adoption at Pact takes priority disturbed or distressed, or limiting body contact during over same-race adoption. It is hard for me to believe that feeding, throughout the day, and during stressful parts of the you intended such a message to be conveyed. I feel it is night: these are the things that interfere with long-term child important that you know how strongly I feel about this image health. In terms of therapeutic impact, “breast or bottle” and hope you find this information helpful. may be less important than the quality of the interactions that I was very grateful for this feedback. While Michele and I had caregiver and child have in a consistent, ongoing way. wondered if anyone would be offended by the image of a bare breast on our front cover, it hadn’t occurred to us (two Are there any negatives to white women with adopted children of color) that the racial adoptive breastfeeding? composition of the image would be disturbing to people of Adoptive parents who understand the benefits of open color. As soon as I read the message above, I realized that adoption for their children are often concerned with the photo brought up issues related to race that were not preserving what can be a somewhat fragile relationship with addressed anywhere in the article it accompanied. I was their child’s birth mother. It is worth noting that many birth reminded once again how difficult it is for those of us who are parents struggle with the idea of adoptive breastfeeding. white to understand or remember all the ways that people of Perhaps it is one of the few things that they feel they can color have been made invisible in our society. hold onto proprietarily, similarly to carrying the child in These issues became clearer to me when I began to search pregnancy; learning that the adoptive mother is breastfeeding for the type of images the reader describes above. I had no can make them feel as if they are being written out of a idea how racially imbalanced the imagery of breastfeeding relationship with their child. Of course this is not universal, is. A recent Google search for images of “breastfeeding” but often pre-adoptive mothers have decided to pursue resulted in 156 photos, of which 140 portrayed white babies breastfeeding without input from their child’s birth parent, feeding at white breasts. Of the sixteen remaining images which can be perceived as a form of claiming meant in part to that seem to represent infants and women of color, seven minimize or exclude the significance of the birth parent. were of people in traditional garb of non-Western countries, Also, if breastfeeding is seen as the “best” way to promote three appeared to be Latino, two appeared to be Asian, parent attachment with an adopted child, then “failure” can and four appeared to be African American—of which only seem like a recipe for a failed adoption. This is completely two showed actual breastfeeding. (This situation is further unfounded in research or anecdote. Given the already complicated by traditions of personal modesty and fiercely ambiguous attitude of society regarding the legitimacy of guarded privacy in the African American community— the adoptive connection, adoptive parents certainly don’t themselves the result of a long history of violation and need any new reasons to feel they are not “real” parents exploitation.) As an acknowledgment of this racist imbalance, or that their connection to their child is not authentic, any as a validation of the beauty of the mother-child relationship more than they need to feel excluded from the possibility of expressed during breastfeeding in the context of the African breastfeeding their adopted child if that feels to them like a American family, we offer the photo that accompanies this positive way to support the relationship they are developing. article in contrast to the images that so dominate our culture. What does breastfeeding have to do Ultimately, Pact supports connected parenting that is both honest and child-focused. It is our belief that this can be with race? accomplished with either breastfeeding or bottle-feeding. We heard from an African American pre-adoptive mother: Whichever you pursue, it is always worth pushing yourself to n I write you today to express something I have found ask deeper questions. disturbing and to hopefully engage in a productive dialogue. I received Pact’s Summer/Fall 2010 Newsletter last month. I was eager to see it because you told me to expect the cover article on Breastfeeding Your Adopted Baby, something I myself am interested in trying. The photo on the cover with a white breast with a black child suckling was shocking! I am completely offended by this image. I am well aware that your

Spring 2011 | point of view 13 SPRING TRAINING: The Dance of Attachment

very year, Pact offers a Spring Training that allows parents E to spend a full day delving intensely into the challenges of adoptive parenting with nationally known experts. Like baseball’s spring training, this annual event helps parents fine- tune their skills for the “season” ahead. This year’s training was led by Holly Van Gulden (pictured left), co-director of the Adoptive Family Counseling Center and co-author of “Learning the Dance of Attachment” and other books. Whether seeking to bond with a newly adopted infant or to strengthen their connection with an older child, participants came away armed with new insights and new tools for building and sustaining healthy families. Parents interested in benefiting from Holly’s compassionate expertise should note that she will be working with preschoolers and their parents at Pact Family Camp this summer, as well as offering one-on-one consultations. n

Adoption & Genetics (cont. from page 4) can provide them with “better tools,” but behavioral genetics help, and taken a stronger stand against drugs and alcohol. tells us we can’t control whom they will become as adults. This may or may not have made a difference for Marco, but meeting his half-brother at sixteen rather than at twenty-six Some may say that an emphasis on genetics could have could have been decisive. His brother, in all likelihood, would harmful effects on adoption. Prospective parents, for example, have told him ten years earlier what it was like growing up might ask for genetic testing of the birth mother and/or the with addicted parents, and how it motivated him to never take baby. Even if such testing were done, however, it would a drink or use a drug. I wish too that at an earlier age, Marco reveal only a potential, not an actual, asset or problem. I’m could have known his birth uncle, who like me, and my father, not advocating a return to the adoption policy of the 1940s has a Ph.D. Whether he chose to participate or not, Marco through the 1960s which encouraged social workers to match could have seen that some of his birth family are also in our adoptive parents with birth parents by race, looks, social class, “family business” of education. and education. Rather, I seek a new ideal of an extended family characterized by varying levels of contact between adoptive Whatever my regrets, I’m fortunate that adoption brought me a and birth families. Such extended families will not only have loving son, whose differences from me have enriched my life. tremendous benefits for adoptees and birth parents, but will Author’s Note: Marco read this article before publication and lead to more satisfied and effective adoptive parents, ones gave me permission to share personal details. We are still with fewer illusions and more knowledge. close and both still struggling with how adoption, nature, As for me, I wish I could have had the courage to open my and nurture have impacted our lives, our identities, and our son’s adoption sooner. If, during his teenage years, I had relationship. n known about his birth parent’s substance abuse, I would have E. Kay Trimberger was one of the volunteer leaders of Pact’s reading been less anxious and confused, could have sought effective and film group in 2009-2010. She is writing a memoir, Creole Son: An Adoptive Mother’s Story of Nurture and Nature.

14 point of view | Spring 2011 Thank You for Your Support! heartfelt thank you goes out to all the individuals and organizations listed below, who gave so generously in 2010—with A your support, Pact continues to thrive, and to provide essential programs and services for adopted children of color and their families around the country. We couldn’t do it without you! General Fund: supports all Pact programs and services • New Baby/Birth Parent Fund: helps keep Pact placement services affordable and birth parent services free-of-charge • Camp Fund: supports scholarships and subsidies to keep Pact Family Camp affordable for all families • Elena’s Fund: supports Pact Family Camp in memory of Pact Camper Elena Santabella

$10,000 AND UP $250 TO $499 Sally Brown Caroline Stack Heidi Hess & James Rucker Family & Friends at “24” Kathleen Ann Caffall & Cynthia Morris Liz & James Steyer Mark Marcum Sherra Aguirre Katherine Curtis Cahill Monte & Donna Swann Jacqueline & Don Barthel Heidi Calhoun Sue Tim $5000 TO $9999 Jason & Lynn Baskett Wendy Chang & James Tsau James Unsinn Alan Gellman & Arlene Zuckerberg Karen & James Bustillo Milan Cheylov Patricia Van Baalbergen Hartley Family Foundation Celia Carter & Sierra North Sophie Chou Stacy Waddington John Hornberger & Mary Anne Rodgers Helga & Michael Eckart Patricia Ciccantelli & David Popalisky Yasmin Wendling Kristin Leimkuhler & Jeffrey Wilk David Eifler & Rachel Morello-Frosch Susan Ciminelli Where’s My Midwife Kelly Reineke & Marty Seldman Andrea Ganz & Kerry Woodward Jacqueline M Cohen Tim Whittet Select Resources International Karen Hager & Kathy Henry Matt Cohen Greg Yaitanes Kelly Younger Daniel Hellas Sean Cotter James Hayman Leslie Crawford IN-KIND DONATIONS $2500 TO $4999 Joyce Lupack & Andrea Plastas Kirsten Cross & Michael-David Sasson Good and services provided at no charge Davud Earling & Maria Nicolo Loretta Lynch Kristen & Bruce Cumming Adobe Products Heidi Frey & Robert Greenwald Eric Naughton MC & Patricia Davitt Adoptive Families Magazine Stephen Moore & Scott Rubin Lisa & Chris Ponce Katy Despot Cisco Systems Ray & Anna Romano Marcia & Jorhan Mbonisi Barbara Devore & Bill Feinstein Head-Royce School, Barbara Gee, Alison Seevak Kim (Grose) & David (Smathers) Moore Laura & Reed Dickinson Director of Diversity Amy Lynn Mueller & Allison Rodman Lurie Besikof Lapidus & Company, LLP Independent Adoption Center $1000 TO $2499 Nancy Perez & Katherine Reiser Kristin & Dave Dwelley Intuit Germaine Akin Pamela & Ryan Polk Grover Dye Kaiser Permanente, Dan Edmonds- Jon Becker & Debbie Malkin Shannon & Elizabeth Riehle Jill Farwell Waters, Vice President, National Sales Karen Bernstein Rory Rosegarten Holly Fincke Operation David Bieselin & Stefanie Bennett David & Sharon Straus Jeri Okamoto Floyd Kiku Ito Terry Blecher & Logan Palmer Brad Turner Carlos & Anne Fretes Leimkuhler Annette Carnegie Kristen Gardner Amy Meuller & Allison Rodman Bob & Jenny Chartoff $150 TO $249 Diana Gleason Microsoft Francois Choquette & Marie-Claude Joan Allen Tembi Locke-Gullo & Rosario Gullo Morrison & Foerster, LLP Billy Schwartz, Provencher Arin Artounian Deborah Holmes James Boddy, Jordan Hinkes, Dana Elayne Chou & Dan Tuden Neerja Bhatt & Aniruddha Vaidya Wendy Jacks Peck Alexandra Cons Marquetta & Michael Brown Dale Jenssen National Medical Association Adam Elsesser & Martha Siegel Fran & Tom Coughlin Susan & Joe Jimenez Park Day School, Tom Little, Head of Sarriet & Severn Ferdun Deborah Dobish & Mark Swedlund Jennifer Johnson School Julie Ito & Michael Lutz Paul & Barbara Donley Terry Keleher Peet’s Coffee & Tea Bill & Danielle James Tanya Friedman & Denise Savoy Julia Kovisars PointMade Films, Barb Lee and Nancy May Family Foundation David Gallagher & Mary Lane Teresa Kruzan & Richard Wilinski Kim Parsons Ojas & Jill Rege Claudia & Peter Grose David & MaryBeth Lassman Realization Pictures, Phil Bertelsen Joel & Linda Schuman Jan & Richard Grossman Kate Lawlor Ojas & Jill Rege Paul Weber Jim & Mary Ellen Hammond Edward Lee & Rhonda Righter Gay Satsuma Wells Fargo Bank- Internet Services Imani Hiller-Bateau Wendell Lee & Ellen Sullivan Starbucks Coffee Group Darryl Hotch Eric Letourneau & Greg Pullman St. Paul’s School, Karen Merry, Head Christina & Stefan Johansson Nancy Luke & Kaivan Munstei of School $500 TO $999 Ann Kindberge Hopi Marcum Terragrafix, Margaret Copeland John & Tanya Ahrendt Michael & Susan Marks Shannon Maris Tencue Productions, Jeff Wilk and Inger & Norbert Bischofberger Ruth Mc Roy Michael & Susan Marks Kristen Leimkuhler Edward & Barbara Bernero, “Criminal Stephen Nathan Mary & Dan Martin Techsoup Minds” Families Gerald & Ellen Nicosia Sandra Matthews Minnie Brown Orren Perlman & Randy Rischette Quentin & Amanda McMullen CORPORATE GIVING PROGRAMS Deborah & Anthony Chan Katerina Sarrigeorgiou Laura & Jim Clark Moore AT&T Neil Doherty & Annemarie Heineman Dana Sharpless Jennifer Morris Bank of America Laura Donnelley Jeremy & Patty Steinberg Laura & Loren Moye Select Resources International Jon Eager & Nancy Klehr Andre & Delores Stewart Beth Mucatel Wells Fargo Bank Michelle Garcia & Edward Hunter Danielle Weinstock Sylvester Ogbechie & Nancy Perlman United Way Mary Going & Martha Rynberg Paula O’Loughlin Teresa & Andy Gunther $10 TO $100 Jennifer Petelle EMPLOYER MATCHING GIFTS Winslow Holmes Catherine Arthur Jessica Petelle Adobe Systems Peter Jankowski, “Law and Order: Chris Ayers & Kelly Kline Chris Platten & Gretchen Strain Autodesk Los Angeles” Christine Ballard Debra Carmody-Poon & Jason Poon Bank of America Kim Malcolm Vida Bateau & Marsha Hiller Audrey Seymour Ramberg Google Kenneth Martin LaTarsha & Russell Banks Roger Ramirez & Susan Van Duyn International Tool Workers Foundation Neal Mazer & Zev Nathan Jason Bartlett & Alyson Mitchell James & Alita Sevin Packard Children’s Foundation Patricia Mickens & Mark Mahaney Lesley Bell Max & Estrella Shoka Matt Plut & Hazel White Anne Bernstein Lawrence Siegel Christoph Scheurich & Nancy Wahl- Barrie Berg & Ron Rosenblatt Kimberley & David Simpson Scheurich Barbara Brack Ellen Ysra Sloan Doug Stone & Renais Winter David & Anne Brodzinsky Frank Spotnitz Dick Wolf, “Law and Order: Los Kerri Lynne & James (Mike) Brown Michele Staats Angleles”

Spring 2011 | point of view 15 9th Annual Pact Camp! Become a Pact Member Today! Join the largest national organization of adoptive parents, A Gathering of Adoptive birth parents, adopted people, adoption professionals and Families with Children of Color friends devoted to better understanding of and support for adopted children of color. Pact members receive our July 17–21, 2011 print newsletter, our monthly e-newsletter, invitations to special events, discounts on books and educational Granlibakken events, and access to our resource materials on parent- Conference Center ing, adoption and race, as well as national chat groups and Lodge and affiliated support groups. Tahoe City, CA ANNUAL RATE Family: $50 With daily programs for kids, tweens, teens, and Organization: $100 adults, Pact Camp is a transformative experience Grassroots Organization: $65 for the whole family. Speakers and workshop Gift Membership* (Family): $40 leaders will include Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (Your * purchased by members in good standing Spirited Child), Jae Ran Kim (Harlow’s Monkey), and Shakti Butler (Mirrors of Privilege: Making Name(s) Whiteness Visible). We hope to see you there! Address Please visit the Pact website for more details. City State Zip

Phone Email

Amount Enclosed $ ______

Check #______(payable to Pact) enclosed

Charge my: VISA MC AmEx

CC# ______

Exp date ______CVV# ______

For more information: www.pactadopt.org/membership/

4179 Piedmont Ave, Suite 101 Tiffaney Cloyd Julie Randolph Oakland, CA 94611 Business Manager Adoption Consultant Voice: 510-243-9460 [email protected] Martha Rynberg Fax: 510-243-9970 Susan Ito LGBTQ Family Support www.pactadopt.org Pact Family Camp Director [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Point of View Pact Connie & Nile Malloy Beth Hall Beth Hall Teen Club Coordinators [email protected], Editorial Director Founder and Director [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Deanna Matthews Michele Rabkin Education Specialist & Editor Assistant Camp Director [email protected] [email protected] Margaret Copeland Malaika Parker Graphic Designer Family of Color Specialist [email protected] [email protected]

16 point of view | Spring 2011