By Todd Wallinger
© Copyright 2015, by Todd Wallinger
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For preview only HOW I MET YOUR MUMMY
By TODD WALLINGER CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Appearance) # of lines WANDA LUCRE ...... greedy museum director 44
DR. DUSTY BONES ...... archaeologist; seems as old 80 as some of her artifacts; loves her work a bit too much MELVIN TRIMBLE ...... new security guard; big chicken 190 PENNY DREADFUL ...... pushy newspaper reporter 54 MUGGS ...... thief; dim as a 20-watt bulb 146 SPARKY ...... another thief; would you believe 101 a 5-watt bulb? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH ...... Egyptian priestess; slightly crazy 70 RALPH ...... teenage actor; worrywart 92 CARLA ...... teenage actor; smart aleck 100 JODY ...... bossy teenage film director 142 YO-WUT-SUP ...... real mummy 1
SETTING TIME: Present. PLACE: The Egyptian Room of the O. Howe Dulle Museum. The exhibit consists of a single room dominated by a sarcophagus lying horizontally on a platform CENTER. A work table is STAGE RIGHT with a yardstick, rope, and other miscellaneous tools as well as a folding chair just LEFT of it. There are two exits, one STAGE LEFT and one STAGE RIGHT. These lead to other exhibit rooms and should be open archways. The STAGE LEFT exit also leads to the restrooms.
ii For preview only HOW I MET YOUR MUMMY 1 AT RISE: WANDA and DUSTY ENTER RIGHT. Unknown to them, RALPH is lying inside the closed sarcophagus. WANDA: And this is Carter Hall, named for the British archaeologist Howard Carter, who discovered King Tutankhamun’s tomb in 1922. 5 Of course, we like to call it our Den of Antiquity. (Chuckles at her own lame joke.) DUSTY: Yes, Wanda. I know. I work here. WANDA: Of course you work here, Melvin. I just hired you— (Turns to DUSTY.) Wait a minute. You’re not Melvin. 10 DUSTY: No, I’m not. I’m your chief archaeologist, Dr. Dusty Bones. WANDA: Where’s Melvin? DUSTY: I don’t know. I thought he was right behind us.
WANDA: Melvin! Melvin!
DUSTY: I don’t know why you hired him. I’ve never seen such a 15 cowardly security guard. WANDA: That’s nonsense. He’s just a little shy. (Crosses RIGHT and grabs MELVIN, who’s hiding just OFFSTAGE.) Come on, Melvin. What’s the matter with you? (Drags MELVIN ON.) MELVIN: I’m just nervous, Ms. Lucre. After all, I’ve never been in 20 the same room as one of those things before. (Points to the sarcophagus.) WANDA: I can assure you, Melvin. There’s nothing to be afraid of. MELVIN: What does that inscription say? DUSTY: It says, “Cursed be all who disturb my rest.” (MELVIN makes 25 a break for the STAGE RIGHT EXIT.) WANDA: (Catches him and drags him back into the room.) Where are you going? MELVIN: I was hoping I could work from home. WANDA: Oh, no. We prefer that our security guards work here. In the 30 museum. DUSTY: I know this room can be rather unsettling, but believe me, you’ll get used to it in no time. MELVIN: How long did it take the previous security guard to get used to it? 35 DUSTY: We don’t know. He didn’t last long enough to find out. (MELVIN again makes a break for it.) WANDA: (Drags him back.) Stay. She means he didn’t stay long enough.
1 For preview only 1 DUSTY: Look around you, Melvin. Do you realize that everything in this room is over 3,000 years old? MELVIN: Really? You don’t look a day over 2,000. DUSTY: I’m not talking about myself! I’m talking about the artifacts,
5 the relics! MELVIN: I know. So was I. WANDA: Now let me show you the Greek Room. DUSTY: Don’t worry about the Greek Room, Melvin. You need to focus your attention in here.
10 WANDA: Dr. Bones, I understand your fondness for the mummy— DUSTY: (Horrified, covers the sarcophagus’s “ears.”) How dare you call him that? MELVIN: What’s the matter? WANDA: Dr. Bones has an aversion to the M word.
15 DUSTY: He was a pharaoh, after all. It’s only proper that you call him by his real name. MELVIN: Oh, yeah? What’s that? DUSTY: Yo-Wut-Sup.
MELVIN: Not much. What’s up with you?
20 WANDA: No, no, no. Yo-Wut-Sup is the name of the… (Points at the sarcophagus.) D-E-A-D G-U-Y. DUSTY: (Caresses the sarcophagus.) Yo-Wut-Sup—such a rugged, manly name!
WANDA: Melvin, please ignore Dr. Bones. Your job is to watch over
25 the entire museum. After all, we’d hate for any of our artifacts to get stolen. MELVIN: Why don’t you just hire more security guards? (WANDA launches into a coughing fit.) DUSTY: Wanda doesn’t like any unnecessary expenses. Like extra 30 security guards. Or an alarm system. WANDA: What are you talking about? We have an alarm system. DUSTY: Yes. A couple of tin cans tied to the front door. WANDA: Melvin, I have every confidence in the world that you’ll keep Yo-Wut-Sup safe. 35 MELVIN: You can count on me, boss. I wouldn’t dream of letting anything happen to him. (Leans against the sarcophagus, causing it to move.) WANDA: Melvin! DUSTY: Be careful! The slightest vibration could cause him to crumble
40 into dust!
2 For preview only 1 MELVIN: How much did you say you paid for him? WANDA: Five million dollars. MELVIN: I think you got ripped off. PENNY: (From OFF RIGHT, through a bullhorn.) Who dares disturb my 5 ancient slumber? (MELVIN gasps, and even WANDA and DUSTY look frightened. A camera flashes OFF RIGHT.) MELVIN: What was that? PENNY: (ENTERS RIGHT, laughing. She’s holding a bullhorn and has a camera around her neck.) You should have seen your faces! Oh 10 wait. You will. On the front page of tomorrow’s Tribune. DUSTY: Penny Dreadful! WANDA: I thought I told you you’re not welcome anymore! PENNY: Come on. Let me take just one picture of the stiff before you unveil him tomorrow. 15 DUSTY: Absolutely not! PENNY: What’s the matter? Afraid I’ll find out about your little scam? DUSTY: I don’t know what you’re talking about. PENNY: Oh, please. You know what all the experts are saying. That mummy’s a fake. (With a gasp, DUSTY covers the sarcophagus’s 20 “ears” again.) MELVIN: It is? WANDA: No, it’s not! DUSTY: Give me one good reason you think he’s a fake. PENNY: I’ll give you three. One, you haven’t allowed a single 25 photographer to take a picture of him. Two, you haven’t released any details about where you found him. And three, what kind of name is Yo-Wut-Sup anyway? WANDA: All right. Suppose this is all a hoax. What would we stand to gain by it? 30 PENNY: Money, of course. You’d do anything to make a buck. First, you pushed your overpriced line of Egyptian jewelry. Then you came out with your Famous Pharaoh action figures. Why, it’s all just one big
pyramid scheme.
DUSTY: This is absurd! I’d stake my reputation on the authenticity of
35 this find! PENNY: You have no reputation, Dr. Bones. Until this discovery was
announced, no one in the archaeological community had heard of you. DUSTY: Maybe I like to keep things under wraps.
40 WANDA: Melvin, get this hack out of here.
3 For preview only 1 PENNY: Don’t worry. I’m going. I’m going. But I’m telling you this, if that old bag of bones is fake, I’ll make sure the whole world knows it. (EXITS RIGHT, laughing ominously.) WANDA: As you can see, Melvin, our new exhibit is attracting lots of 5 attention. There are a lot of nut jobs who might try to sneak into
the museum tonight.
DUSTY: We expect you to defend Yo-Wut-Sup to the death.
MELVIN: That shouldn’t be hard. He’s already dead.
DUSTY: We mean your death.
10 MELVIN: Great.
DUSTY: Wanda, did you remember to bring the gun?
WANDA: Oh, yes. I almost forgot. Here. (Takes a squirt gun from her pocket and hands it to MELVIN.)
MELVIN: Um, this is a squirt gun.
15 WANDA: Well, you can’t expect us to give you a real gun. A single blast could make Yo-Wut-Sup crumble into dust.
MELVIN: You know, I’m beginning to think you care more for Yo-Wut-
Sup than you do me. (WANDA and DUSTY burst out laughing.)
DUSTY: That’s ridiculous! 20 WANDA: Of course we care more for Yo-Wut-Sup! (Still laughing, EXITS RIGHT with DUSTY.)
MELVIN: Be a security guard, Mother said. It’s a great way to catch up
on your reading, she said. Well, we’ll see how much reading I get done tonight. (Pulls a book from his pocket, settles into the chair, 25 and rests his feet on the table. Looks at the cover of the book.) The Mystery of the Shrieking Ghost. Well, it can’t be any spookier than this place. (Begins to read. SOUND EFFECT: CREAKING DOOR.) Wow! This book is really good! I can almost hear the door creaking open! (Continues reading. SOUND EFFECT: SLAMMING DOOR.) 30 Wow! And I can almost hear the door slamming shut!
SPARKY: (From OFF LEFT.) Achoo!
MELVIN: (Turns to the sarcophagus.) Please tell me that wasn’t
you. (SOUND EFFECT: FOOTSTEPS.) Oh, good. It’s only a burglar.
(Jumps to his feet.) I mean… oh, no! It’s a burglar! (Puts his book 35 on the table, draws his squirt gun, and goes to the RIGHT EXIT.) Wh-wh-who’s there? (Trembling in fear, EXITS. MUGGS and SPARKY ENTER LEFT. Looking around, MUGGS goes one way around the sarcophagus, SPARKY goes the other. They collide DOWN CENTER.) MUGGS: Hey, Sparky. What’s the idea of sneaking up on me like that? 40 SPARKY: I wasn’t sneaking up on you, Muggs! You were sneaking up on me!
4 For preview only 1 MUGGS: Well, don’t let it happen again. We got a job to do. SPARKY: What was the job again? MUGGS: Jeez, Sparky. I must have told you a thousand times. SPARKY: Well, tell me a thousand and one times. 5 MUGGS: Big Mama Morrison wants us to steal the mummy. SPARKY: Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Uh, what does a mummy look like? MUGGS: Just look for some guy all covered in bandages. SPARKY: Why? Did the mummy rough him up?
10 MUGGS: No, you nitwit. The guy in the bandages is the mummy.
SPARKY: You mean somebody roughed up the mummy? MUGGS: Nobody roughed up the mummy, all right? They wrapped him in bandages because he’s degreased. SPARKY: Huh? 15 MUGGS: Degreased. You know… he kicked the bucket. SPARKY: Oh. Deceased. MUGGS: That’s what I said. Now shut up and start looking.
SPARKY: (Moves the table a few feet forward so he can look behind it. His gaze falls on the sarcophagus.) Hey, maybe the mummy’s in 20 that fancy jukebox. MUGGS: Don’t be stupid. They wouldn’t keep the mummy in a jukebox. They’d keep him in a safe or something. SPARKY: What for? MUGGS: Because mummies are valuable. People pay a lot of money 25 just to look at them. SPARKY: Aw, come on. Who’d want to look at an old dead guy? MUGGS: A lot of people. Why, this museum is charging fifty bucks a pop.
SPARKY: You mean if I wrapped my grandpa in bandages, people 30 would give me fifty bucks to take a peek at him?
MUGGS: No, of course not. SPARKY: Good, because he ain’t even dead. MELVIN: (From OFF LEFT.) Hello? Hello? MUGGS: Uh oh! Somebody’s coming! 35 SPARKY: Good. Maybe they can tell us where the mummy is. MUGGS: Oh, yeah. Right after they slap a pair of handcuffs on us. Come on! (EXITS RIGHT with SPARKY.) MELVIN: (ENTERS LEFT.) That’s weird. I could have sworn I heard somebody burgling. Oh, well. I guess I’ll go back to my book.
5 For preview only 1 (Grabs his book and sits. He tries to put his feet up, but the table isn’t where it used to be and his feet fall to the floor.) Huh. I don’t remember moving this table. (Moves the table back to where it was and puts his feet on top of it. Starts to read again. SOUND EFFECT:
5 CREAKING DOOR.) Hello? (SOUND EFFECT: SLAMMING DOOR.) Oh, great. Another burglar. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (From OFF LEFT.) Ow! MELVIN: A really clumsy burglar. (Draws his squirt gun and goes to the RIGHT EXIT.) If you don’t show yourself, you’re going to be very very 10 sorry! Or at least very very wet! (EXITS RIGHT.) PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (ENTERS LEFT, carrying a large cloth purse. Sees the sarcophagus and falls to her knees.) Oh, great and powerful Yo-Wut-Sup! Your loyal servant Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh has traveled 8000 miles to find you. I’ve crossed the desolate sands and 15 battled the stormy seas. I’ve waded through swamps teeming with snakes and climbed mountains so steep I nearly plunged to my death. And all because I forgot my plane ticket at home. (Moves
the chair next to the sarcophagus and sets her purse on it.) Well, don’t worry. I have come to take you back to Egypt, the land of 20 our ancestors. You will soon be resting in your own tomb again. (Tries to lift the sarcophagus. It won’t budge.) Well, maybe not that soon. (Tries again. No luck.) You had to get one of these big cushy models, didn’t you? Well, I tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to leave this sarcophagus here and pick out a little sporty
25 number when we get back to Cairo. (Opens the sarcophagus, grabs
RALPH’S arm, and tries to hoist him over her shoulder. RALPH is
disguised as a mummy.) Come on, big boy. Work with me here. Egypt ain’t coming to us. (Tries again to hoist RALPH. He isn’t going anywhere.) So you’re going to make me do it the hard way, huh? All 30 right, fine. I’ll raise you from the dead, but don’t come crying to me when you realize your hairstyle is 3000 years out of date. (Grabs a jar of powder out of her purse.) First, crushed dung beetles for strength. (Shakes the powder over the mummy. She takes a taste of it.) Hmmm. Not bad. (Grabs an amulet out of her purse.) Next, 35 the sacred amulet for light. (Raises the amulet in the air. Nothing happens.) Dang it. The battery’s dead. (Tosses the amulet aside and grabs a wand out of her purse.) Now, let me see if I remember how to do this. It’s been so long. (Chants.) Wee-ma-wucca! Nee-ma-wucca! 40 Hop-sen-rah! Sis-ko! Mees-ko! Im-ho-tah! (Goes into a cheer routine.) Winnemucca! Winnemucca! Sis-boom-bah!
6 For preview only 1 Wildcats! Wildcats! Rah! Rah! Rah! (Stops.) Wait a minute. That’s not right. MELVIN: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, Mr. Burglar! Come out, come out, 5 wherever you are! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Alas, Master! I must flee!(Closes the sarcophagus and throws her things into her purse.) Oh, quit complaining. You’ve been waiting 3000 years to come back to life. Another ten minutes isn’t going to kill you. (EXITS RIGHT with her purse.)
10 MELVIN: (ENTERS LEFT, his squirt gun drawn.) Now this time I know I
heard somebody burgling. (Circles the room, looking for the burglar.) I’ll bet you’re over here! (Checks behind the sarcophagus.) Nope. Wait a minute. I’ll bet you’re over there! (Checks under the table.) Huh. I must have scared him off. (Holsters his gun. Tries to sit down, 15 but this time the chair has been moved and he falls to the floor.) Ow! (Scrambles to his feet.) Jumping jellybeans! Somebody moved the chair! (Looking around, his gaze settles on the sarcophagus.) Oh, no. Please tell me you didn’t do this. Please, oh please, oh please, oh please! (No reaction.) What’s the matter? Cat got your 20 tongue? PENNY: (From OFF RIGHT.) Meow. MELVIN: I guess the cat did get your tongue. Hey, wait a minute. Maybe that wasn’t a burglar I heard. Maybe it was just a cat. (Moves to the RIGHT EXIT.) Here, kitty kitty! (To himself.) And wait. Maybe the 25 mummy didn’t move the table. Maybe the cat moved it. PENNY: (From OFF RIGHT.) Meow. MELVIN: Here, kitty kitty! (To himself.) But wait. This table is pretty heavy. If the cat moved it, then that cat has got to be ripped! PENNY: (From OFF RIGHT. Louder.) Meow! 30 MELVIN: Go away, kitty kitty! (EXITS RIGHT. Slowly, the lid of the sarcophagus opens and RALPH climbs out. He pauses to scratch himself. Then, needing some air, he tries to pull down the bandage covering his face.) CARLA: (ENTERS LEFT holding a mallet and a wooden stake.) Hey, 35 Jody! I found Ralph! He’s in here! (JODY ENTERS LEFT, a video camera in her hand. RALPH grunts, pointing at his mouth.)
JODY: Ah, there you are, Ralph. Stop goofing around. We’ve got a movie to make, and we don’t have much time.
CARLA: Is this where I drive the stake through his heart?
40 JODY: No, Carla. This is not where you drive the stake through his heart. CARLA: But I sharpened the stake and everything.
7 For preview only 1 JODY: Carla, this is the first scene of the movie. If you drive the stake through his heart now, the mummy will die and the movie will be over. CARLA: How about if I just poke him a little? 5 JODY: (Notices RALPH’S increasingly frantic gestures.) What’s the matter with him? CARLA: I don’t know. Maybe he’s hungry. JODY: Again? (Shouts.) Ralph, you already ate all the Fun-Yuns, remember? That’s why we taped your mouth shut! (To CARLA.) I 10 don’t think he can hear me. (Removes the bandage from RALPH’S face.) RALPH: (Gulps for air.) Finally! It’s hard to breathe in there! JODY: What are you complaining about? You wanted to be an actor, didn’t you? 15 RALPH: Yeah, but I thought acting would involve more oxygen. JODY: You can get all the oxygen you want later. Right now, I need a shot of you climbing out of the sarcophagus. RALPH: Oh, no. I’m not going back in there. JODY: Why not? 20 RALPH: Because a crazy woman tried to poison me. JODY: A crazy woman? What crazy woman? RALPH: I don’t know. It’s hard to see through these wrappings, but there was this woman dressed in a robe like some crazy Egyptian priestess, you know? And she was sprinkling this weird powder all 25 over me. JODY: Maybe it was deodorant. CARLA: Yeah, you are starting to smell like a bad batch of baba ghanouj.
RALPH: No, it wasn’t that. She was holding an amulet and chanting in
30 some weird language.
JODY: Egyptian?
CARLA: Arabic?
RALPH: No, more like High School Cheerleader.
JODY: By the way, whatever happened to the mummy that was in the
35 sarcophagus?
RALPH: Oh. I put him in the men’s room.
JODY: You put a 3000-year-old mummy in the bathroom? CARLA: Ewww.
RALPH: What’s the matter? It’s not like he’s going anywhere. 40 JODY: I know, but what if somebody sees him?
8 For preview only 1 CARLA: Yeah. We might get into trouble. RALPH: We’re not going to get into trouble. Trust me, nobody will see him. JODY: How do you know that? 5 RALPH: Because I locked the stall. CARLA: Ewww! Ewww! Ewww! JODY: Come on. We’re burning moonlight. Now, Ralph, I need you to get back in that sarcophagus. RALPH: I said no. 10 JODY: Do you want me to cut your pay in half? RALPH: You’re not paying me now. JODY: And don’t you forget it! (Reluctantly, RALPH covers his face with the bandages and climbs back into the sarcophagus, leaving the lid open. JODY moves the chair to the foot of the sarcophagus 15 and stands on it.) Now, Ralph, I’m going to be over here with the camera. On the count of three, I want you to open the sarcophagus and sit up slowly and make lots of scary sounds. All right, Ralph? I said, all right? (RALPH grunts. Satisfied, JODY focuses her camera on RALPH.) Remember, on the count of three. (Shuts the lid of the 20 sarcophagus.) MELVIN: (From OFF RIGHT.) And to think the Egyptians used to worship you stupid animals! JODY: (Hops down from the chair.) Uh oh! Somebody’s coming! CARLA: We’ve got to hide! (JODY and CARLA crouch DOWNSTAGE of 25 the sarcophagus.) MELVIN: (ENTERS UP RIGHT.) Here, kitty kitty! I’ve got a nice treat for you! (Peers around the corner of the sarcophagus, but JODY and CARLA have already moved to the opposite side.) Come on, kitty! I know you’re in here! (Proceeds to circle the sarcophagus, but each
30 time he turns a corner, the girls have moved again. Finally, JODY and CARLA make it all the way around the sarcophagus without being seen. MELVIN stops at the foot of the sarcophagus.) I don’t get it. Finding that cat should be as easy as one, two, three. (Hearing the signal, RALPH opens the lid of the sarcophagus, slowly sits up, and 35 growls. SOUND EFFECT: CELL PHONE RINGING. MELVIN answers.) Hello, Mummy. (Settles into the chair at the foot of the sarcophagus with his back to it. JODY signals RALPH to be quiet, but his growling just gets louder and louder. Into phone.) Yes, I’m starting my new job
tonight… Yes, I’m all alone here… Scared? Are you kidding me? 40 What’s there to be scared of? (To RALPH.) Hey, could you keep it down? I can barely hear my mom. (Into phone.) What? No, not you, Mummy. I was talking to the other mummy. (Alarmed, JODY pushes
9 For preview only 1 RALPH back down in the sarcophagus but leaves the lid open. Into phone.) I said I was talking to the mummy, Mummy! (Realizes what he just said.) Uh oh. (Turns slowly toward the sarcophagus. RALPH is lying inside the sarcophagus, and JODY and CARLA are hiding 5 behind it. Into phone.) I’m going to have to call you back, Mummy. I mean, Mother. (Puts his phone away, grabs the yardstick from the
table, and creeps back to the sarcophagus.) Hello? (Pokes RALPH in the leg with the yardstick.) Are you alive? (Pokes RALPH’S side.) No, of course you’re not alive. You’re an Egyptian mummy. You’ve been 10 dead for over 3000 years. (Pokes RALPH’S arm.) Of course, there are all those horror movies, the ones about mummies that attack and kill people. But those are just movies, right? I mean, that could never happen in real life, could it? (Pokes RALPH’S head.) RALPH: Ow! 15 MELVIN: Sorry. (Realizes the “mummy” is alive.) Aaaaah! (Backs away from the sarcophagus, brandishing the yardstick like a sword.) Oh, no! You really are alive! And I’m the one who disturbed your ancient slumber! What am I going to do? (Thinks.) I know what I’m going to
do. I’m going to run. (Drops the yardstick and EXITS RIGHT, running.)
20 JODY: (Jumps up to uncover RALPH’S face.) What’s the matter with you, Ralph? You almost gave us away!
RALPH: But you told me to start growling on the count of three.
JODY: I meant when I count to three. Not when the security guard
counts to three.
25 RALPH: That was the security guard?
JODY: Yes, Ralph. That was the security guard. RALPH: Oh. I was wondering why you needed a shave. Hard to see through these bandages…
CARLA: Can we go home now? We’ve been here almost three hours. 30 RALPH: (Climbs out of the sarcophagus and closes it.) Yeah, I’m starting to get hungry again. JODY: Look, guys. We can’t leave now. We haven’t shot a single scene yet. RALPH: That’s not our fault. 35 CARLA: Yeah. It took you two and a half hours just to adjust your light levels.
JODY: What can I say? It’s a very time-consuming process.
RALPH: Well, it wouldn’t have been so time-consuming if you had
removed the lens cap first.
40 JODY: Come on, guys. Don’t give up on me now. I just need one good hour with no interruptions.
10 For preview only 1 RALPH: That’s never going to happen. CARLA: Ralph’s right. The only way we’re ever going to film this scene is if we get rid of the security guard first. JODY: Get rid of the security guard, huh? That gives me an idea. 5 CARLA: You know, sometimes you really worry me. JODY: No, no. I don’t mean we should really get rid of him. I just mean we should scare him a little. RALPH: How are we going to do that? JODY: We are not going to do that, Ralph. You are going to do that. 10 RALPH: What? CARLA: Yeah, what? JODY: Carla, you saw how spooked that security guard got when Ralph was making a few lame groans. RALPH: Hey, those were my best scary sounds! 15 CARLA: You sounded like you’d eaten too many Milk Duds. JODY: Just think how scared he’d be if Ralph came after him like this. (Growls, sticks out her arms, and shuffles her feet like the mummy in every old mummy movie.) CARLA: That’s a great idea! 20 RALPH: That’s a terrible idea! JODY: Why do you say that? RALPH: Because the guy is a security guard! He could be armed! CARLA: Don’t worry. A security guard would never shoot one of the exhibits. He’d lose his job.
25 RALPH: Oh, yeah? Then why don’t you dress up like a mummy and
scare him?
CARLA: What? Do you think I’m crazy? I’m not going to get shot!
JODY: Look, Ralph. I know we’ve been working on this movie a long time. I know it seems like a pipe dream right now. But someday 30 we’re going to finish this movie. Someday this movie is going to be shown in a real theater, and when the film first rolls through the projector, do you know what the audience is going to see? RALPH: Nothing, because you forgot to take off the lens cap? JODY: No, Ralph. They’re going to see your face, bigger than life. 35 RALPH: Oh, yeah. JODY: You’re going to be a star, Ralph. You’re going to be as big as any star in Hollywood. RALPH: Oh, yeah! JODY: But you’ll never be a star unless you take care of that security 40 guard. 11 For preview only 1 RALPH: Let me at him! Let me at him! JODY: Yeah, boy! You go! RALPH: (Charges toward the RIGHT EXIT, then stops and whirls around.) But first I have to go to the bathroom. 5 JODY: All right, but make it quick. (RALPH crosses and EXITS LEFT.) And don’t mess with the wrappings! CARLA: He’s going to mess with the wrappings. JODY: I know. (EXITS with CARLA LEFT.) PENNY: (From OFF RIGHT.) Meow! Meow! (ENTERS RIGHT, the camera 10 around her neck.) Meow! (Looks around the room. To herself.) Huh. I can’t believe he fell for the old meowing cat trick. (Crosses to the sarcophagus.) Well, it looks like we’re alone, Yo-Wut-Sup. I finally have a chance to prove you’re a hoax. Why, I’ll bet you’re nothing but a bunch of old rags stuffed with sawdust. (Opens the sarcophagus.)
15 Oh, no! Yo-Wut-Sup is gone! Somebody must have stolen him. But who? Who would want to steal a fake mummy? (Runs her finger along the inside of the sarcophagus.) That’s weird. There’s some strange powder all over the inside of the sarcophagus. I’d better see if there are any other clues. (Climbs into the sarcophagus.) 20 MELVIN: (ENTERS RIGHT, holding a padlock. Without even looking inside, he slams the lid of the sarcophagus and slaps the padlock on it, trapping PENNY inside.) There! Try getting out of that! (Panicking,
PENNY bangs on the lid.) Oh, you can bang all you want, Yo-Wut- Sup, but I’m not going to let you out! (To himself.) You know what 25 I should do? I should call Ms. Lucre and tell her I’ve captured the mummy. She’ll probably give me a raise. Or maybe a promotion. Or wait— she might even name an entire wing of the museum after me. The Melvin Trimble Wing! Hold on. If she’s going to start naming things after me, I’m going to need a more masculine name. 30 Like Brad or Lance. That’s it! Lance Biceps, Security Guard! (Dials
his cell phone.) Hello, Wanda? It’s me, Lance. (Listens.) You know, the security guard you just hired… (Listens.) No, no. That’s my old name… (Listens.) Listen, I know I’m not supposed to call you at home, but I’ve got some exciting news. I’ve captured the mummy! 35 (To the sarcophagus.) Here it comes. The Lance Biceps Museum of Manliness! (On phone.) Why? Because the mummy went on a rampage, that’s why. He was growling and stomping around and destroying everything in his path… (Listens.) No. I didn’t exactly see him stomping around… (Listens.) Well, no. He didn’t actually
40 cause any damage… You know, maybe rampage isn’t the right word… (Listens.) You want me to do what? (Listens.) All right, Ms. Lucre. I’m sorry, Ms. Lucre. I won’t let it happen again, Ms. Lucre. (Hangs up.) I think I’ll just stick with Melvin. (EXITS RIGHT.)
12 For preview only 1 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (ENTERS LEFT with her purse. To the sarcophagus.) Hoo-boy! This place is full of junk. You know what I just saw back there? A statue of a woman without any arms. I mean, who keeps a thing like that? (Sits on the chair. PENNY knocks on the 5 sarcophagus.) Just give me a minute, would you? I’ve been on my
feet all day, and these sandals ain’t exactly orthopedic. (PENNY knocks again. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH leaps to her feet.) Oh, great Yo- Wut-Sup! You are alive! I can’t believe my spell worked! I mean great! I knew my spell would work! Of course, it’s been a while, 10 but like I always say, performing magic is like riding a bike. Or it would be, if I could ride a bike. (PENNY knocks.) What’s that? You say you’re trapped? Well, look at me. I’ve been stuck in this job for 200 years and do you ever hear me complaining? No! (PENNY knocks.) Oh. You mean you’re trapped in the sarcophagus? Well,
15 that’s different. I’ll just open the lid. (Tries to push the lid open.)
Hoo-boy! This lid is heavy. (Places her back against the lid, but still
it won’t open.) You’re going to give me a hernia, you know that? And I don’t exactly have the best health insurance. (Turns around to push with her hands. Sees the padlock.) Aha! So you’re locked 20 inside. Well, why didn’t you say so? Oh, this is bad. This is very, very bad. Wait a minute. This isn’t so bad. I bet I can find a spell for it. (Pulls a spell book from her purse and flips through it.) Let me see. Pestilence. Plagues. Putrefication. Ah, here we go. Padlocks. (Reads.) “To open a padlock, mix one part cobra tongue with two 25 parts bat gizzards and… continued in Book Two.” (To herself.) Darn it! I knew I should have sprung for the E-book! (Tosses the book aside.) I guess I’ll just have to make one up. All right. Let me
think. (Pulls out her wand, waves it, and chants.) Ish-ka-bibble and gobbledy-gook. If you don’t open, then I’m just a schnook. (Waits 30 for the padlock to open. It doesn’t.) I said if you don’t open, then I’m just a schnook! (Still nothing.) Oh, to heck with it. I’ll just use my lock cutters. (Grabs lock cutters from her purse.) JODY: (From OFF LEFT.) Ralph? Ralph? CARLA: (From OFF LEFT.) Where are you, Ralph? 35 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: What is this? Crazy Eddie’s Flying Carpet Emporium? I’ve never seen so many people coming and going! (Gathers her things. To the sarcophagus.) I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere. (EXITS RIGHT.) CARLA: (ENTERS LEFT with JODY.) Well, Ralph’s not in here either. 40 JODY: I wonder what happened to him. CARLA: Maybe he’s still in the bathroom.
13 For preview only 1 JODY: I should have made a zombie movie. No wrappings to deal with. A little blood, some splattered brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie. (PENNY bangs on the sarcophagus.) What was that? CARLA: I don’t know, but I think it came from the sarcophagus. (PENNY 5 bangs again.) JODY: Are you thinking what I’m thinking? CARLA: I think I’m thinking what you’re thinking! (JODY and CARLA rush to the sarcophagus.) Hold on, Ralph! JODY: We’ll save you! 10 CARLA: How did this happen? JODY: I don’t know, but we’ve got to get him out of there! He might lose consciousness! CARLA: Don’t worry. I don’t think Ralph has ever been fully conscious. JODY: (Examines the lock.) Hand me a bobby pin. 15 CARLA: (Removes a bobby pin from her hair and hands it to JODY.) You know, this isn’t exactly the best time to be fixing your hair. JODY: This isn’t for my hair. It’s for the padlock. I’m going to pick it open. CARLA: Oh, come on. That only works in really bad movies. 20 JODY: I don’t know. Sometimes it works in really bad plays. (Fiddles with the lock. PENNY bangs again.) Hang on, Ralph! We’re trying to get you out! (To CARLA.) I just wish there was a way to communicate with him. CARLA: Maybe we could try Morse code. 25 JODY: That’s a brilliant idea! Tell him we’re trying to pick the lock. CARLA: All right. (Taps out a pattern on the lid of the sarcophagus. PENNY taps back.) It worked! JODY: Great! What did he say? CARLA: How should I know? I never learned Morse code. 30 JODY: (Gives up on the lock.) This is useless. We’re going to have to force it open. (JODY and CARLA push against the lid. It doesn’t
budge.)
CARLA: This is worse than useless. This is impossible!
JODY: Keep pushing!
35 RALPH: (ENTERS LEFT. He comes up behind JODY and CARLA so they
can’t see him.) What are you doing?
JODY: We’re trying to get our friend out of this sarcophagus.
RALPH: Can I help?
JODY: Sure. Just push against the lid. (RALPH places his hands on the 40 lid.) All right now. On the count of three. One! Two! Three! (Together,
14 For preview only 1 they push as hard as they can.) Again. One! Two! Three! (They push again. Out of the corner of her eye, CARLA sees RALPH. She stops and stares in disbelief.) Come on, Carla! You’re not pushing! (CARLA lifts a trembling finger to point at RALPH. JODY turns to see
5 where she’s pointing.) Aaaaah! CARLA: What are you doing here?
RALPH: I’m helping you get your friend out of the sarcophagus.
CARLA: You’re the friend, Ralph!
JODY: We thought you were in the sarcophagus!
10 RALPH: That’s silly. I’m right here.
CARLA: Well, I’m glad we found you.
JODY: Me too.
CARLA: Wait a minute, if Ralph’s out here…
JODY: …then who’s in there?! (Points at the sarcophagus. PENNY raps
15 again. Terrified, JODY, CARLA, and RALPH scream and run OFF LEFT.) SPARKY: (ENTERS RIGHT with MUGGS.) Hey, Muggs, I don’t think there’s a mummy in this entire joint.
MUGGS: Of course there’s a mummy. This is a museum, ain’t it?
SPARKY: Yeah. So?
20 MUGGS: So museums got mummies like McDonald’s got hamburgers.
SPARKY: You mean you can get them with or without cheese?
MUGGS: You know something, Sparky? You ought to donate your brain
to science.
SPARKY: What? After I die?
25 MUGGS: No, now. It’s not like you’re using it any. (PENNY knocks on the sarcophagus.) Hey, do you hear that?
SPARKY: Yeah. Somebody must be at the door.
MUGGS: I’ll bet it’s the police. (SPARKY starts for the RIGHT EXIT.)
Where are you going?
30 SPARKY: I’m going to let them in. MUGGS: Don’t do that! We ain’t even supposed to be here. SPARKY: Oh, yeah? Where are we supposed to be? MUGGS: Cell 132 in the state pen. Come on! (MUGGS and SPARKY head toward the LEFT EXIT. PENNY knocks again.) 35 SPARKY: Hey, I think the knocking is coming from that fancy jukebox. MUGGS: Maybe you’re right. (They cross to the sarcophagus.) You know what I think? I think this ain’t a jukebox at all. SPARKY: Oh, really? What is it? MUGGS: I read about it in a magazine once. They call it an asparagus 40 or something. It’s where they keep mummies.
15 For preview only 1 SPARKY: You mean all this time we was looking for the mummy, he was right here under our noses? MUGGS: He was right under your nose. Leave my nose out of it. (Takes the screwdriver out of his pocket and wedges it under the lid of the 5 sarcophagus.) SPARKY: What are you doing? MUGGS: I’m trying to pry the lid open. SPARKY: Why don’t you get this out of the way first?(As if by magic, pulls off the padlock from the sarcophagus and lets it drop to the 10 floor. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) MUGGS: Whoa! How did you do that?
SPARKY: I don’t know. Maybe my brain works better when I don’t use
it.
MUGGS: Well, don’t just stand there. Help me open this. (He and
15 SPARKY open the lid.)
PENNY: (Sits up and points her camera at the robbers.) Say cheese! SPARKY: (Makes a silly pose.) Cheese! (The camera flashes.) MUGGS: Hey! That’s one of them crazy pepperoni! (PENNY jumps out of the sarcophagus, leaving the lid open. MUGGS and SPARKY 20 chase her around it.) Give me that camera! PENNY: You’re going to have to catch me first! MUGGS: You heard her, Sparky! Catch her! (PENNY feints left, then right, then left again. Confused, MUGGS and SPARKY collide into
each other and fall to the floor. PENNY EXITS LEFT. SPARKY has his
25 arms around MUGGS.) Not me, you dunderhead! You’re supposed to catch her! (Climbing to their feet, MUGGS and SPARKY EXIT LEFT.) MELVIN: (ENTERS RIGHT, holding a key.) All right, Ms. Lucre. If you want me to unlock the sarcophagus, you’re going to have to live with the consequences. (Sees that the sarcophagus is open and 30 empty.) Hey, where did you go? (Looks around the room.) Yo-Wut- Sup? Yo-Wut-Sup? Where are you, Yo-Wut-Sup? (Panics.) Oh, no! I lost a five million dollar mummy! Ms. Lucre is going to fire me! No, first she’s going to kill me and then she’s going to fire me! What am I going to do? Wait a minute. I know what I’ve got to do. I’ve got
35 to find that mummy and get him back inside the sarcophagus. It’s time to stop being a mouse and start being a man! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (ENTERS RIGHT and pushes MELVIN aside.) Move it. MELVIN: Aaaaah! 40 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (Peers inside the sarcophagus.) Well, isn’t that just like a mummy? You turn your back for one minute, and he disappears on you! 16 For preview only 1 MELVIN: W-who are you? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: I already know who I am, cupcake. Who are you? MELVIN: I’m M-Melvin T-Trimble. I’m the security guard here. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Funny, you don’t look like a security guard.
5 MELVIN: Yeah? Well, you don’t look like a— What exactly are you, by the way? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: I am Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh, chief priestess to his royal holiness. Or holy royalness. I can never remember which. MELVIN: Well, you’re going to have to leave. The museum is closed. 10 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Oh, no. I’m not going anywhere until I find my master and return him to the land of burning sands and towering pyramids. MELVIN: Are you talking about Egypt? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Well, I sure ain’t talking about Vegas. 15 MELVIN: I’m sorry, but there’s no way I’m letting you take Yo-Wut-Sup. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: You know his name? MELVIN: Yes, of course I know his name. As a security guard, I’m supposed to know everything about him. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Then you must know he’s very dangerous when 20 disturbed. MELVIN: (Pulls out his cell phone.) Would you mind repeating that to my boss? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Your boss is very tiny. MELVIN: No, no, no. This isn’t my boss. This is my cell phone. 25 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Cell phone? MELVIN: Yes. It’s a gadget that allows me to talk to my boss. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (Takes the phone.) Hello? (SOUND EFFECT: CELL PHONE RINGING. Alarmed, drops the phone onto the floor and stomps on it.) 30 MELVIN: Hey! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: It attacked me first! MELVIN: That’s it! If you don’t leave, I’m going to throw you out myself!
PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (Pulls out her wand and chants.) Alakazam and Katz’s deli, may both your legs turn into jelly!
35 MELVIN: (Convinced the spell is real, slowly sinks to the floor.) My legs! They’re getting all wobbly! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Woohoo! I’m two for two! MELVIN: Make them stop! Make them stop! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Not unless you let me stay.
17 For preview only 1 MELVIN: I can’t! I’d lose my job! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: All right, Mr. Jelly Legs. See you later. (Starts to leave.) MELVIN: No, no! Come back! 5 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Will you let me stay? MELVIN: Yes. Just please, please, don’t tell anyone! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Who would I tell? The only person I know around here is Yo-Wut-Sup, and he ain’t talking. MELVIN: All right, fine. 10 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Fine. (An awkward moment as each waits for the other to do something.) MELVIN: Um, aren’t you going to turn my legs back into… whatever legs are made of? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Oh, yeah. (Waves her wand and chants.) Bing 15 bang boom, this may sound formal, but now your legs are back to normal. MELVIN: (Climbs to his feet, takes a few hesitant steps.) Look! I can walk! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Big whoop. I can do the conga. (Dances.) 20 MELVIN: Hey, I’ve got an idea. You want to catch the mummy. I want to catch the mummy. Maybe we’d have more luck if we tried catching him together. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: You don’t catch a mummy. He’s a mighty pharaoh, for Mafdet’s sake! You’ve got to make him come to you. 25 MELVIN: How do you do that? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Do you have any candy on you? MELVIN: I’ve got some M&Ms. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Let me have them. MELVIN: (Pulls a bag of M&Ms out of his pocket.) Here you go. (PEI- 30 NIN-DAH-NEKH pours some of the candies into her mouth.) Hey! I thought those were for the mummy! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Mummy schmummy! Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had anything to eat? MELVIN: (Grabs the bag back.) Well, you can’t have these until you tell 35 me how to lure the mummy back into the sarcophagus.
PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: All right, but I’ve got to put my thinking cap on. (Puts on a ridiculous hat from her purse.) Thinking… thinking… I’ve
got it! We’ll make a trail of M&Ms for him to follow!
MELVIN: Do mummies eat M&Ms?
18 For preview only 1 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: No, but they eat sphinx droppings and these look just like them. MELVIN: (Sets some M&Ms on the floor.) Like this? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Don’t be so stingy, cupcake! Yo-Wut-Sup is a 5 growing boy! MELVIN: (Continues the trail across the floor.) 1-2-3-4-5-6— (MELVIN and PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH EXIT LEFT.)
SPARKY: (After a pause, ENTERS LEFT, picking up the M&Ms.) 7-8-9-
10-11-12! (Pops the M&Ms into his mouth.) Nobody ever told me
10 that museums were so delicious! (Continues picking up the M&Ms. RALPH ENTERS RIGHT, growling and with his arms straight out in front of him. Stops directly in front of SPARKY.) Do you mind? You’re standing on my lunch. RALPH: (Uncovers his face.) Who are you? 15 SPARKY: My friends all call me Sparky, but my real name is Sparky. RALPH: That’s the same thing. SPARKY: I’ve got a lot of friends. RALPH: Have you seen a nervous, wimpy-looking guy around here? SPARKY: Is he wearing a blue uniform with shiny black shoes and a 20 big brass badge? RALPH: Yes! SPARKY: No, I haven’t seen him. Have you seen any mummies? RALPH: Mummies? SPARKY: Yeah, they’re these dead guys, you know? Only they’re 25 not really dead. They’re more like hamburgers, but you can’t get them with cheese. And they put them in these fancy jukeboxes, only they’re not really jukeboxes. They’re called rutabagas or asparagooses or something like that— RALPH: I’m sorry I asked. 30 SPARKY: I get that a lot. RALPH: Why are you looking for a mummy? SPARKY: Because my partner and me, we’re supposed to steal one for Big Mama Morrison. RALPH: Oh, then no. I haven’t seen any mummies. 35 SPARKY: Will you let me know if you do? RALPH: Probably not. SPARKY: All right. Have a nice day. (RALPH covers his face with the bandages and EXITS LEFT as SPARKY eats some more M&Ms.) MUGGS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) There you are. I was looking all over for you. 40 Hey, what are you eating?
19 For preview only 1 SPARKY: W&Ws. MUGGS: What the heck are W&Ws? SPARKY: I don’t know, but they taste just like M&Ms. MUGGS: (Grabs one of the candies.) These are M&Ms, you dimwit! 5 You’ve got them upside down! SPARKY: Do you want some? MUGGS: Sure. (SPARKY gives some M&Ms to MUGGS, who pops them into his mouth.) Where did you get them? SPARKY: The floor. 10 MUGGS: (Spits out the M&Ms.) What’s the matter with you? Didn’t your mama ever teach you not to eat things off the floor? SPARKY: I’m not eating them off the floor. I’m eating them out of my hand.
MUGGS: Well, get rid of them. We’ve got to find that mummy.
15 SPARKY: Forget it. There ain’t no mummies here.
MUGGS: How do you know that? SPARKY: A guy told me. MUGGS: What guy? SPARKY: This guy who just came through here. He was all covered in 20 bandages. MUGGS: You saw a guy covered in bandages? SPARKY: Yeah. MUGGS: Did he hold his arms out like this? (Sticks his arms straight out in front of him.) 25 SPARKY: Yeah. MUGGS: And did he shuffle his feet like this?(Shuffles around the room.) SPARKY: Yeah. MUGGS: That was the mummy, you dummy! 30 SPARKY: Huh. For a dead guy, he looked pretty lively. MUGGS: Ain’t you never been to the movies? Only your average, run- of-the-mill mummies are dead. This one that walks and talks? We could get a million bucks for him! (Draws his gun.) SPARKY: Are you going to shoot him? 35 MUGGS: Only if he tries to get away. SPARKY: Won’t that make him one of those average, run-of-the-mill mummies then? MUGGS: (Puts his gun away.) Aw, you always got to ruin everything. (EXITS LEFT with SPARKY.)
20 For preview only 1 MELVIN: (ENTERS RIGHT with PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH.) Hey, look! The M&Ms are gone! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Aha! That means Yo-Wut-Sup has eaten them all! MELVIN: And that means Yo-Wut-Sup is inside the sarcophagus right 5 now! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Quick! Close the lid before he gets away! MELVIN: Me? I thought we were a team. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: We are, cupcake.
MELVIN: So what will you be doing while I’m risking life and limb?
10 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: I’ll be doing a much more important job. I’ll be
supervising.
MELVIN: Great. (Covers his eyes and tiptoes up to the sarcophagus.)
PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: What do you see?
MELVIN: My hands. 15 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Well, take them away from your eyes! (MELVIN does.) Is he in there?
MELVIN: I can’t tell. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Why not? MELVIN: Because now I’ve got my eyes closed. 20 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Oh, for Sekhmet’s sake! I’ll look! (Goes to the sarcophagus.) He’s gone! (Closes the sarcophagus.) MELVIN: Oh, no! What are we going to do? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: We’ll have to try Plan B. MELVIN: What’s Plan B? 25 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: The same as Plan A only this time it works. MELVIN: We can’t do that. I’m all out of M&Ms. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Oh, sure. Right when we need them the most, you go and use them all up. (Sniffs the air.) Uh oh. MELVIN: What’s the matter? 30 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Do you smell that?
MELVIN: You mean that horrible rotting smell? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Yes.
MELVIN: What is it? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: It’s the foul stench of death. 35 MELVIN: So Yo-Wut-Sup is nearby! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Perhaps. Or perhaps it’s something else. Something so old, so decayed that it smells exactly like death. MELVIN: I wonder what it could be… (EXITS RIGHT with PEI-NIN-DAH- NEKH.)
21 For preview only 1 DUSTY: (ENTERS LEFT.) Melvin? Melvin? (Circles the room, stops DOWNSTAGE, missing all of the activity about to take place UPSTAGE.) For heaven’s sake! Where is that security guard? I gave him specific instructions to stay in this room! Why, someone could
5 sneak right in and kidnap Yo-Wut-Sup! (Pause.) Wait a minute. I’m getting all worked up over nothing. I’m sure nobody has broken into the museum. (MUGGS and SPARKY ENTER LEFT. Seeing DUSTY, they tiptoe across the room UPSTAGE and EXIT RIGHT.) But that’s no excuse! It’s a security guard’s duty to remain at his post! 10 After all, we’ve got some very expensive exhibits here! Who knows what might happen to them when no one’s around. (Pause.) Hold on. I’m blowing this all out of proportion. It’s not like the exhibits
are going to get up and walk around on their own. (RALPH ENTERS LEFT, shuffling slowly. Sees DUSTY, shuffles the rest of the way 15 across the UPSTAGE super-fast and EXITS RIGHT.) I just wish I knew where Melvin was. It can be awfully creepy here at night. I hope he didn’t get scared and run away. (Pause.) What am I talking about? Nobody could be that cowardly. Why, I’ll bet if Melvin were here right now, he’d prove just how brave he can be. (MELVIN ENTERS 20 RIGHT. Sees DUSTY and starts to back out of the room just as she turns and sees him.) Melvin! MELVIN: (Moves toward the sarcophagus.) Dr. Bones! What are you doing here? DUSTY: What, me? Oh, nothing, really. I just thought I’d pop in and 25 check on you— (Catches herself.) Wut-Sup! I wanted to check on Yo-Wut-Sup! MELVIN: Oh, you don’t want to disturb him. After all, he’s had a stressful day, what with all the excitement around here. DUSTY: Excitement? What excitement? 30 MELVIN: Did I say excitement? Sorry. I meant the opposite of excitement. Whatever that is. DUSTY: Tedium? Boredom? Quiet? MELVIN: Yes! Quiet! Why, all night long the museum has been as quiet as a tomb! (From OFF RIGHT, RALPH growls loudly.) 35 DUSTY: What was that? MELVIN: That? Oh, that was just the burrito I had for dinner. (From OFF RIGHT, RALPH growls again. MELVIN moans to cover up the sound.) I knew I shouldn’t have ordered the extra sauerkraut. DUSTY: If you’re not feeling well, maybe you should just go home. 40 MELVIN: What? Oh, no. I couldn’t do that. Duty calls, and I must follow. Why, neither rain nor snow nor dark of night shall keep this courier from his appointed rounds.
22 For preview only 1 DUSTY: That’s the post office oath. MELVIN: Really? Somebody should tell my mail carrier. DUSTY: Melvin, open the sarcophagus.
MELVIN: I swear, there’s nothing to see.
5 DUSTY: Are you telling me Yo-Wut-Sup is not inside the sarcophagus? MELVIN: Of course not. I would never tell you that. DUSTY: Melvin, this is your last warning. If you don’t open the sarcophagus, I’ll make sure you never work in a museum again. MELVIN: Is that a promise?
10 DUSTY: Melvin!
MELVIN: All right. (Opens the lid.)
DUSTY: It’s empty! MELVIN: Trust me. It’s much better this way. DUSTY: I can’t believe this! Our museum’s dreamiest—I mean, most 15 valuable artifact—missing! Why, this is the grossest display of incompetence I’ve ever seen! MELVIN: If you think this is gross, you should see what’s in the bathroom. (RALPH ENTERS UP RIGHT with his arms straight out in front of him. Growls. Terrified, MELVIN runs and EXITS LEFT.) 20 DUSTY: (Stares curiously at RALPH.) Yo-Wut-Sup? (Confused by DUSTY’S lack of fear, RALPH can only stop and stare back.) Yo-Wut-Sup! It is you! Come to mama, lover boy! RALPH: Aaah! (Terrified, runs OFF RIGHT.) DUSTY: I like a mummy who plays hard to get. (Runs OFF RIGHT.) 25 PENNY: (ENTERS LEFT, wearing a mummy costume, though she still has her camera around her neck. She uncovers her face.) Good thing I brought this disguise along. Now I can continue my investigation without being seen. JODY: (From OFF LEFT.) Come on, Carla! 30 CARLA: (From OFF LEFT.) No way. That thing could still be in there. PENNY: Uh oh. I’d better hide. (Covers her face and stands against the wall as though she were one of the exhibits.) JODY: (ENTERS LEFT. CARLA pokes her head ON LEFT.) Don’t be such a baby. I’m sure it’s gone. 35 CARLA: I’m not. JODY: Do you want me to check? CARLA: Well, you are the director. JODY: I’ll bet Alfred Hitchcock never had to deal with this. (Goes to the sarcophagus.) See? I told you it’s gone. 40 CARLA: Feel around inside.
23 For preview only 1 JODY: But it’s completely empty! CARLA: Just humor me. JODY: (Sticks her arm inside the sarcophagus.) Like I said, there’s absolutely nothing inside— Aaaaah! (Pretends to get yanked 5 into the sarcophagus. Horrified, CARLA jumps back OFF LEFT and screams. Reveling in her victory, JODY pulls her arm out of the sarcophagus.) CARLA: (Rushes ON LEFT.) Just for the record, that was not a scream. I was just warming up my vocal cords.
10 JODY: (Sees PENNY.) There you are, Ralph. We’ve been looking all over
for you. CARLA: Hey Ralph, did you scare away the security guard? (PENNY
growls.) I’ll take that as a yes.
JODY: All right, Ralph. Now that we can film again, let’s jump ahead to 15 the big fight scene. CARLA: It’s about time.
JODY: (Focuses the camera on PENNY.) Wait a minute. What’s that around Ralph’s neck? CARLA: It looks like a still camera. 20 JODY: Well, take it away from him. It’s out of character. (CARLA removes the camera from around PENNY’S neck. With an angry growl, PENNY grabs for it.) CARLA: Relax, Ralph. You’ll get it back. JODY: Here. Give it to me. I need both of you in this scene. (CARLA 25 slips the camera around JODY’S neck. Desperate to get her camera back, PENNY stomps toward JODY.) CARLA: Hold on, Ralph. She didn’t say action yet. JODY: Action! (Starts filming. PENNY continues stomping toward her.) Beautiful, Ralph. Now that’s what I call acting. 30 CARLA: Yeah. If you’d been this scary to begin with, we’d be done by now.
JODY: Okay. That’s close enough, Ralph. Ralph? I said that’s close
enough!
CARLA: He’s not stopping! (As PENNY reaches JODY, she grabs for the 35 camera.) JODY: (Continues filming with one hand while holding PENNY at bay with the other.) What’s the matter with you, Ralph? Go back! Go back! CARLA: Is this where I drive the stake through his heart? 40 JODY: Yes, Carla! Stab him! Stab him!
24 For preview only 1 CARLA: (Draws her stake.) Die, mummy! Die! PENNY: Aaah! (Scared out of her wits, grabs Jody’s video camera and EXITS LEFT with it.) CARLA: That wasn’t in the script. 5 JODY: I hate it when actors improvise. RALPH: (ENTERS RIGHT. Uncovers his face.) Oh, good. I found you. CARLA: How did you get over there so fast? RALPH: What? Oh, I was trying to get away from that crazy lady. JODY: You mean that Egyptian priestess you told us about? 10 RALPH: No, another crazy lady. CARLA: How many crazy ladies are there? RALPH: Apparently two more than we need. JODY: Well, come here. I want to show you the great footage I got.
RALPH: Footage? Of what?
15 JODY: Of you. Just now. You came stomping toward me like a real movie monster. CARLA: Yeah. You were really scary. RALPH: Great. The first time you actually liked my acting, and I wasn’t even here. 20 CARLA: Of course you were here. Show him the footage, Jody. JODY: Can’t without the video camera. (Indicates Penny’s camera around her neck.) This is the still camera. RALPH: You don’t have the movie camera? JODY: No.
25 RALPH: The twelve-hundred dollar movie camera I borrowed from my sister? JODY: No. RALPH: The sister who’s going to tear me into tiny pieces when she finds out her twelve-hundred dollar movie camera is gone? 30 JODY: It’s not gone. You took it from me. CARLA: Yeah, give it back, Ralph. RALPH: Are you guys feeling all right? Because you sound completely insane. JODY: No, Carla’s right. We both saw you take the camera. 35 RALPH: How could you see me take the camera when I wasn’t even here? JODY: Hold on. Are you trying to tell us the mummy we just filmed wasn’t you? RALPH: No. I’m not trying to tell you. I am telling you. That wasn’t me!
25 For preview only 1 CARLA: Uh oh. Do you realize what this means? RALPH: You don’t like my acting after all? CARLA: No. It means there’s a mummy on the loose. RALPH: Yikes!
5 CARLA: Now that I think about it, she did kind of shuffle like a girl. JODY: I wonder how cheap she’d work.
RALPH: Wait. You’d replace me with another mummy?
CARLA: Come on, Ralph. You’ve got to understand. This is a real
mummy we’re talking about.
10 JODY: I can see the poster now. Curse of the Pharaoh, the world’s first mummy movie starring a real live mummy! CARLA: That’s a great idea. There’s only one problem. JODY: What’s that? CARLA: The mummy has the camera. 15 JODY: Oh, yeah. You’re right. RALPH: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You gave my sister’s twelve-hundred dollar movie camera to a mummy? JODY: No, of course not. RALPH: Well, that’s a relief. 20 JODY: The mummy took the camera from us. RALPH: Oh, no! What am I going to tell Eugenia? JODY: Tell her we’ll cut her in for ten percent of the profits. RALPH: Profits? What profits? You don’t even have the recording! The mummy has it! 25 JODY: Well then, Ralph, it looks like you’re going to have to get the camera back. RALPH: I can’t do that! JODY: Why not? You’re a mummy. She’s a mummy. Maybe you could go on a little date. 30 RALPH: Oh, yeah. That’s a great plan. You’re only forgetting one thing. JODY: What’s that? RALPH: I’m not a mummy! JODY: Well, you know that and I know that, but the other mummy doesn’t know that. 35 RALPH: I think she’ll figure it out. JODY: Just get going, would you? (Shoves RALPH OFF LEFT.) CARLA: You’d think he never dated a mummy before. MUGGS: (ENTERS RIGHT with SPARKY.) Well, well, well. Look what we got here. A little slumber party.
26 For preview only 1 SPARKY: Oh, boy! Can I go home and get my polka dot jammies? MUGGS: I don’t mean a real slumber party, you lamebrain. This is the way robbers talk. CARLA: Y-y-you’re robbers? 5 MUGGS: Thanks, Sparky. Now you gave us away. JODY: You know, we really need to get going. We’ve got this thing we’re supposed to be at. CARLA: Yeah, a really important thing. We just hate to miss things. MUGGS: Oh, no. You ain’t going nowhere. Grab ‘em, Sparky. (SPARKY 10 grabs JODY and CARLA.) CARLA: Let us go! JODY: Yeah, we haven’t done anything to you! MUGGS: Hey, what’s this? (Removes the still camera from around JODY’S neck.) 15 JODY: Give that back! CARLA: Let it go, Jody. It isn’t even ours. MUGGS: You know what, Sparky? This looks just like the camera that took our picture before. (Presses a button on the camera.) I was right. See, Sparky? There’s our picture. (Shows SPARKY the viewing 20 screen.) SPARKY: (To JODY.) Nice shot. Can you email this to me? MUGGS: No one’s going to email nothing. We’re going to keep the camera. SPARKY: Can we do that? 25 MUGGS: We’re robbers, you numbskull. We can do what we want. JODY: I told you to give that back! CARLA: Come on, Jody. Let them have the camera. JODY: I’m not scared of them. CARLA: Be scared, Jody. Please be scared. (MUGGS draws his gun.) 30 JODY: Okay, now I’m scared. MUGGS: Sparky and me, we’re very recursive people. JODY: Huh? MUGGS: Recursive. You know, private, modest, withdrawn. JODY: Oh. Reclusive.
35 MUGGS: That’s what I said. We don’t like people taking our picture. You could hand it over to the police and then where would we be?
JODY: In prison, where you belong.
CARLA: She doesn’t mean that. I’m sure you belong in a cute little
cottage, with a white picket fence and flowering hydrangeas all 40 around—
27 For preview only 1 MUGGS: Shut her up, Sparky. She talks too much. CARLA: Sorry, sir. Shutting up, sir. (PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH ENTERS RIGHT with her purse, behind MUGGS and SPARKY. JODY and CARLA gesture wildly, trying to get her to attack the robbers.) 5 JODY: Go ahead and delete the picture. Take the whole camera, if you want. Just please let us go. MUGGS: You got eyes, ain’t you? You can tell the police what we look like. JODY: Oh, no. We have really bad memories. 10 CARLA: Yeah, I don’t even remember what you look like now. SPARKY: (Notices the girls’ gestures.) Hey, what’s the matter with you? MUGGS: Ah, don’t fall for that. SPARKY: What do you mean? MUGGS: They want us to think there’s somebody behind us. It’s the 15 oldest trick in the book. SPARKY: You know, you keep talking about this book, but you never let me read any of it. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (Pulls out her wand and chants.) Alakazam and Katz’s deli, may both your legs turn into jelly! 20 MUGGS: (Whips around.) What did you say? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: I said, may both your legs turn into jelly! SPARKY: Can you make mine peanut butter? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (Taps her wand a couple times.) Oh, great! Now you go on the fritz! And right after the warranty expired! 25 MUGGS: You’re going to be real sorry you did that, ma’am. (Aims his gun at PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH.) PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Aaah! (Tosses a handful of powder into MUGGS’S face and runs OFF LEFT.) MUGGS: I can’t see! I can’t see! 30 SPARKY: I keep telling you, Muggs. You got to get yourself some glasses. JODY: Grab the camera, Carla! (CARLA grabs the camera from MUGGS’S hand. The GIRLS run OFF RIGHT.)
MUGGS: (Looks around, squinting through the powder.) Hey, where’d 35 everybody go?
SPARKY: I don’t know. Maybe they got bored. MUGGS: Well, don’t just stand there! Go after them! SPARKY: Who? The kids or the weird voodoo woman? MUGGS: The voodoo woman! I’ll get the kids! (Heads RIGHT. SPARKY 40 heads LEFT. The two collide into each other and fall to the floor.) Ow!
28 For preview only 1 SPARKY: Ouchie! (They climb unsteadily to their feet.) MUGGS: Forget that. I’ll get the voodoo woman. You get the kids. (Now the two robbers are reversed so when MUGGS heads LEFT and SPARKY heads RIGHT, they collide into each other again and 5 fall to the floor.) SPARKY: Ow! MUGGS: Ouchie! (Feeling the pain now, they struggle to stand.) Here. I’ll go this way. You go that way. (Pushes SPARKY OFF RIGHT. MUGGS EXITS LEFT. PENNY ENTERS LEFT, the video camera around 10 her neck. RALPH ENTERS RIGHT, with a sprig of flowers. The two circle the room, PENNY looking for the robbers, RALPH looking for PENNY. Neither one sees the other. PENNY EXITS RIGHT. RALPH
EXITS LEFT.) MELVIN: (ENTERS RIGHT. Points his squirt gun at nothing and
15 everything.) Oh, great. Ten minutes ago, I was afraid I’d never find
the mummy. Now I’m afraid I will. (Thinks he hears something and whips his gun around.) Hello? Who’s there? (Looks at his squirt gun.) What am I doing with this thing? I’m hunting a mummy, not the Wicked Witch of the West. (Pockets the squirt gun.) 20 MUGGS: (ENTERS LEFT as SPARKY ENTERS RIGHT.) Hey! MELVIN: (Sticks his hands in the air.) I give up! SPARKY: Boy, that was easy. MUGGS: Yeah. Too easy. This must be some kind of trap.
MELVIN: Oh, no. This isn’t a trap. I’m just very, very cowardly.
25 MUGGS: What are you? Some kind of cop? MELVIN: No. I’m only a security guard. See? I don’t even have a real gun. (Draws his squirt gun. Now it’s MUGGS and SPARKY who stick their hands in the air.) SPARKY: Whoa! 30 MUGGS: Don’t shoot, officer! We ain’t done nothing wrong! SPARKY: Yeah, we ain’t even stole nothing yet! MUGGS: Don’t listen to him, officer. We weren’t going to steal nothing. We was just looking around. You know, all tourist-like.
MELVIN: The museum closed three hours ago.
35 MUGGS: We like to avoid crowds. MELVIN: You know, I don’t think you’re tourists at all. I think you’re robbers. SPARKY: What are you going to do with us? MELVIN: I don’t know. What do cops usually do with you? 40 MUGGS: Well, they usually start by shoving us against the wall.
29 For preview only 1 MELVIN: Okay. (Shoves them against the wall.) What’s next? MUGGS: Next the cops pat us down. MELVIN: (Pats them down.) Sorry. My gun keeps getting in the way.
MUGGS: You ought to set that down somewheres. 5 MELVIN: Good idea. (Closes the sarcophagus and sets his squirt gun on top of it.) Then what?
MUGGS: Then they escalate the floor.
MELVIN: Huh?
MUGGS: Escalate. You know, smooch, smack, kiss.
10 MELVIN: Oh. Osculate.
MUGGS: That’s what I said. (Hits MELVIN over the head with his gun.)
MELVIN: Ow! (Crumples to the floor, then sits up.)
MUGGS: (Takes Melvin’s squirt gun and puts it in his pocket.) Tie him
up, Sparky.
15 SPARKY: Sure thing, boss. (Takes the rope from the table. Sets one end of the rope on the floor and runs circles around MELVIN, the entire length of rope following him.)
MELVIN: You’re not going to get away with this.
MUGGS: Oh, yeah? Well, this gun here says we will. (To SPARKY.) Hey!
20 What are you doing?
SPARKY: I’m doing just like you told me, boss. I’m tying him up.
MUGGS: Then why ain’t the rope around him?
SPARKY: Huh? Oh. Here. Hold onto this. (Hands MELVIN the end of
the rope. Now when SPARKY runs in circles, the rope wraps around 25 MELVIN.)
MUGGS: I swear, it would be easier working with a trained monkey.
MELVIN: If you don’t let me go, I’m going to call for help.
MUGGS: Call all you want. There ain’t nobody here.
SPARKY: Nobody but that weird voodoo woman. 30 MUGGS: Oh, yeah. SPARKY: And that old woman who talks to herself. MUGGS: Oh, yeah. SPARKY: And those annoying kids. MUGGS: All right, all right! I’ll put a gag on him! (SPARKY finishes tying 35 up MELVIN. MUGGS pulls a bandanna from his pocket.) MELVIN: No! Don’t! I— MUGGS: (Ties the bandanna around MELVIN’S mouth.) That ought to shut him up. Now come on. Let’s look for that mummy.
30 For preview only 1 SPARKY: I don’t know, boss. What if the mummy ain’t real? What if it’s just somebody dressed up in a costume? MUGGS: The mummy’s got to be real. Big Mama ought to know. She’s working from the inside. (EXITS RIGHT with SPARKY. PENNY ENTERS 5 LEFT, still dressed as a mummy, examining the video camera.) MELVIN: (Muffled.) Help! Help! PENNY: (Sets the video camera on the table.) What are you saying? MELVIN: (Muffled.) Help! It’s the mummy! PENNY: I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to speak more clearly if you 10 want me to understand you. (Unties the gag.) MELVIN: Help! It’s the mummy! Help! Help! PENNY: (Alarmed.) The mummy? Where? Oh, you mean me. Ha ha. I’m not a real mummy. See? (Uncovers her face.) MELVIN: Penny Dreadful? You mean you were the mummy this whole 15 time? PENNY: Yes. I put on this disguise so I could spy on those robbers. MELVIN: Good. Well, now that you’re here, you can get me out of this rope. PENNY: Not so fast. 20 MELVIN: What’s the matter? PENNY: You’re a security guard. I’m an obnoxious reporter. How do I know you won’t kick me out? MELVIN: I’m not going to kick you out. I’ve just come up with a plan, and I’m going to need your help. 25 PENNY: What if I don’t like your plan? MELVIN: Then you can tie me up again. PENNY: Sounds like a lot of work for one plan. MELVIN: Fine. I’m going to lure those robbers in here. PENNY: That doesn’t sound like a good plan. 30 MELVIN: That’s only part of it.
PENNY: What’s the other part? MELVIN: You’re going to capture them.
PENNY: Oh, no. I’m a professional journalist. My job is to report the
news. It would be completely unethical of me to make the news.
35 MELVIN: You’ll have exclusive rights to the story.
PENNY: (Excited.) What do I have to do?
MELVIN: You have to bring Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh here.
PENNY: Pei-Nin-Dah-Who?
31 For preview only 1 MELVIN: Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh. She’s this wacky Egyptian priestess. She can do magic. PENNY: You know, this plan is sounding worse all the time. MELVIN: No, no. I mean it. She turned my legs into jelly.
5 PENNY: Grape or strawberry?
MELVIN: Does it matter? PENNY: I’m a journalist. Everything matters. MELVIN: Fine, strawberry. Now can we get back to my plan? PENNY: You mean there’s more?
10 MELVIN: Yes, of course there’s more. Tell Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh to wait here. When those robbers come through the doorway, that’s the signal for her to summon Yo-Wut-Sup.
PENNY: Now hold on. There’s a big difference between turning
somebody’s legs into jelly and raising an ugly old mummy from
15 the dead.
MELVIN: She’s not going to raise an ugly old mummy. She’s going to raise a cute young mummy. PENNY: Huh? MELVIN: You. You’re going to be the mummy. 20 PENNY: You think I’m cute? MELVIN: Just wait outside this room. As soon as Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh says her mumbo jumbo, you come stomping through the doorway like you’re Yo-Wut-Sup. With any luck, the robbers will get scared and run away.
25 PENNY: A “Hey, she’s kind of cute” cute or a little sister kind of cute?
MELVIN: (Looks OFF RIGHT.) Uh oh. It sounds like somebody’s coming. PENNY: I’d better get out of here. Oh, wait. I didn’t catch your name. MELVIN: It’s, um, Lance. Lance Biceps. PENNY: Catch you later, Lance. (EXITS LEFT, covering her face, leaving 30 the video camera on the table.) MELVIN: Nooooo! You forgot to untie me! (Slumps to the floor, defeated. JODY and CARLA ENTER RIGHT. Thinking MELVIN is dead, JODY and CARLA scream. MELVIN sits up and screams, too. The three of them scream at each other until JODY comes to a startling realization.) 35 JODY: Wait a minute. You’re not dead. MELVIN: Neither are you. JODY: Well, now that we’ve got that settled, who are you? MELVIN: Can we talk about this later? I really need you to untie me. JODY: Oh, no. Not until you tell us your name and what you’re doing 40 here.
32 For preview only 1 MELVIN: All right, fine. I’m Melvin Trimble. I’m the security guard here. I was supposed to watch over the mummy, but a couple of robbers tied me up. There. Now will you untie me? JODY: I don’t know. This looks really suspicious. 5 CARLA: Yeah. If you were a real security guard, the robbers would be tied up. Not you. MELVIN: I said I was a security guard. I didn’t say I was a good one. JODY: I still don’t know. This could be a trick. MELVIN: What, do you think I’m a criminal or something? 10 JODY: Well, you do have beady eyes. CARLA: Criminals always have beady eyes. MELVIN: (Widens his eyes.) My eyes are not beady. They’re actually quite normal-sized, see?
CARLA: Now they just look creepy.
15 JODY: Yeah. That’s even worse than beady. MELVIN: I am not a criminal! MUGGS: (ENTERS RIGHT with SPARKY, gun drawn.) No, but I am. SPARKY: Hey, boss. It’s those two kids we saw before. MUGGS: And look. They still got the camera. (Takes the still camera 20 from around JODY’S neck.)
JODY: Give that back! It’s not yours!
MUGGS: It’s not yours, either. CARLA: You know, he does have a point. MUGGS: (Pushes a button on the camera.) There. Now our picture has 25 disappeared into the ethosphere. (Sets the camera on the chair.) Tie them up, Sparky. SPARKY: With what, boss?
MUGGS: What do you think with what? With the rope!
SPARKY: But somebody’s using it. 30 MUGGS: Maybe if you ask nicely, he’ll let you borrow it. SPARKY: (To MELVIN.) Excuse me, sir. Do you mind if I borrow your rope? MUGGS: I was joking, you moron. SPARKY: Oh. Ha ha. Good one. (Unties the rope and starts to wrap it
35 around the three captives.)
JODY: Do you have to tie it so tight? CARLA: Yeah. We can’t even breathe. SPARKY: Well, breathe through your ears or something. (Finishes tying them up.) There you go, boss. All tied up like a Christmas present.
33 For preview only 1 MUGGS: And it’s just what I wanted, too. SPARKY: I hope I get a puppy. MUGGS: You’re lucky if you get a dead goldfish. Now come on. That mummy’s got to be here somewhere. (EXITS RIGHT with SPARKY.) 5 JODY: (Struggles against the rope.) I can’t get loose! CARLA: Me neither! JODY: Well, I guess this is what we get for trying to help people. MELVIN: You didn’t help me, remember? That’s why we’re tied up. JODY: Yeah, well, never mind about that. We’ve got to find a way out 10 of here. CARLA: We could try calling for help. JODY: No. That’ll just make the robbers come back. CARLA: Maybe we could call quietly. MELVIN: You know, that might be worth a try. 15 JODY: Are you crazy? MELVIN: Oh, no. This is all part of my plan. (Softly.) Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh! Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh! JODY: Who’s Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh? MELVIN: She’s the key to our escape.
20 CARLA: What is she, some super ninja warrior? MELVIN: No, she’s more like an Egyptian priestess. JODY: How is that going to help? MELVIN: It’s a long story.
JODY: And thanks to you, we’ve got all the time in the world to hear it.
25 MELVIN: (Softly.) Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh! Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh!
DUSTY: (ENTERS LEFT.) Melvin?
JODY: That’s the Egyptian priestess?
MELVIN: No. That’s an archaeologist. CARLA: I think the priestess would have been more help. 30 DUSTY: Melvin, who are these people? JODY: Hi. My name is Jody, and this is Carla. DUSTY: It’s nice to meet you. And how are you enjoying the museum this evening? CARLA: It’s been better. 35 MELVIN: Look, we’d love to chat, but these robbers tied us up— DUSTY: Robbers? Here in the museum? MELVIN: Yes, but—
34 For preview only 1 DUSTY: That’s horrible! The robbers might be the ones who kidnapped Yo-Wut-Sup! (Opens sarcophagus, shaking her head sadly at its emptiness.) MELVIN: I know, but—
5 DUSTY: Well, don’t just stand there, Melvin! You’ve got to catch them!
MELVIN: I’m trying, but—
DUSTY: Well, you’re not trying hard enough! Come on, Melvin! Go after them! MUGGS: (ENTERS RIGHT with SPARKY, gun drawn.) I hate to tell you 10 this, lady, but nobody ain’t going nowhere. DUSTY: How dare you bring that infernal contraption in here! MUGGS: Huh? DUSTY: I’m talking about that gun! Don’t you know that one blast could turn every one of these relics into dust? 15 MUGGS: Look, lady. I don’t care what it does to you. I want you to get inside the rope.
DUSTY: Rope? What rope?
MELVIN: This rope. (Indicates the rope.)
DUSTY: Well, why didn’t you tell me you were tied up? I’m not a mind 20 reader, you know! (SPARKY unties the rope.)
MUGGS: Get over there! (Shoves DUSTY toward the others. SPARKY
starts tying up the four captives.)
DUSTY: I must say, this is most improper! If you don’t release us
this instant, I’ll see that your names are forever stricken from the 25 museum’s email list! MUGGS: Gee, lady, you’re breaking my heart.
SPARKY: (Finishes tying them up.) I sure hope that’s the last of them. My fingers are killing me. MUGGS: Quit complaining or it won’t be just your fingers that hurt. 30 (EXITS LEFT with SPARKY.) DUSTY: (Shouts after them.) Well! I can understand wanting to steal a priceless artifact, but you don’t have to be rude about it! JODY: Rudeness is the least of our worries. MELVIN: (Softly.) Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh! Oh, Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh! 35 DUSTY: Melvin, what is the matter with you?
CARLA: Don’t worry. This is all part of his plan.
DUSTY: Oh, really? And what plan is that?
JODY: We’re not sure. All we can know is that it involves a lot of yelling.
CARLA: Very quiet yelling. 40 MELVIN: (Softly.) Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh! 35 For preview only 1 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (ENTERS RIGHT, tapping her head.) Oh, great. Now the voices in my head are hearing voices. MELVIN: Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh! I’m glad you’re here! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Well, I’m not. Do you know how hard it is to get a 5 good bagel in this place? DUSTY: Melvin, I’m beginning to suspect that none of these people paid to get in here. MELVIN: Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh, did Penny tell you what to do? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Penny? Penny who? 10 JODY: This is a great plan you’ve come up with. CARLA: Did you think this up all by yourself? MELVIN: Look, Pei-Nin-Da-Nekh. It’s very simple. The robbers are sure to be back any minute now. As soon as they come through the doorway, I want you to summon Yo-Wut-Sup. 15 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Yo-Wut-Sup? Are you crazy? I don’t even know where he is. (DUSTY whimpers.) MELVIN: That doesn’t matter. Focus! (To PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH.) You’re not really going to summon Yo-Wut-Sup. You’re going to summon a different mummy. 20 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: A different mummy? Sorry, cupcake. I’m a one- mummy woman. MELVIN: But you’re the only one who can help! And stop calling me cupcake! SPARKY: (ENTERS LEFT with MUGGS.) Oh, man. I knew there had to 25 be more. MELVIN: Grab her, Sparky! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (Pulls out her wand.) Stand back, vile ruffian! (SPARKY hesitates.)
MUGGS: Come on, Sparky! What are you afraid of?
30 SPARKY: She might turn me into a newt! MUGGS: Hey, at least newts have brains. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: (Chants.) Hullabaloo and Heinz’s Ketchup, I summon now the great Yo-Wut-Sup! MUGGS: Real cute, lady. Now put down the wand before somebody 35 gets hurt. (RALPH ENTERS LEFT, growling.) What was that? (MUGGS and SPARKY turn to see RALPH stomping toward them.)
SPARKY: Look, boss! We found the mummy!
MUGGS: We didn’t find the mummy, dummy! The mummy found us! (Scrambling to escape, MUGGS and SPARKY trip over each other 40 and fall sprawling to the floor.)
36 For preview only 1 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Attack, Yo-Wut-Sup! Attack! Turn them into mincemeat! No, wait. Not mincemeat. Mincemeat gives me gas. Turn them into French onion soup. Or maybe a nice toasted cheese sandwich— 5 MELVIN: Please, Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh! Stay on topic! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: All right, fine. Turn them into mincemeat. MUGGS: Help! Help! (RALPH sees the video camera on the table. Changing course, he shuffles toward the camera.) SPARKY: Hey, what’s going on? (RALPH reaches the table and picks 10 up the camera.) MUGGS: That’s weird. The mummy is picking up the camera. RALPH: Hey, Jody! Carla! Look, what I found! JODY: Ralph? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Who’s Ralph? (RALPH uncovers his face to 15 examine the camera.) SPARKY: Hey! That ain’t no mummy! MUGGS: That’s another one of them annoying kids! (He and SPARKY scramble to their feet.) You get the voodoo woman. I’ll get the kid. JODY: Watch out, Ralph! (MUGGS grabs RALPH. SPARKY grabs PEI-NIN- 20 DAH-NEKH.) MUGGS: All right, kid. Hand over the camera. RALPH: No way! My sister’s going to kill me if I don’t give this back to her! MUGGS: Who are you more afraid of? Your sister or us?
25 RALPH: Can I get back to you on that? MUGGS: No. You can’t. (Takes the camera and puts it around his neck.) RALPH: Aw, man. (SPARKY unties the rope.) MUGGS: All right, everybody. Squeeze in tight.
JODY: What?
30 CARLA: Not again!
SPARKY: I should have just brought a giant rubber band. (Reluctantly,
the six captives huddle together. SPARKY starts to tie them up.)
JODY: Ouch! Get off, Carla! You’re standing on my foot!
CARLA: I can’t help it! Ralph is standing on my foot! 35 RALPH: Then who’s standing on mine?
PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Don’t look at me. I’m standing on hers. (Indicates
DUSTY.)
DUSTY: Ow! (SPARKY finishes tying the rope.)
37 For preview only 1 MUGGS: All right. Listen up, all of you. We know there’s a mummy around here. Now where is it? MELVIN: A mummy? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: What mummy? 5 MUGGS: You know what mummy. The mummy that’s supposed to be worth five million dollars. The mummy that’s on all your signs and posters. The mummy that used to be in this asparagus here. JODY: Oh, that mummy.
DUSTY: We have no idea.
10 MUGGS: Come on. Don’t play dumb with me.
CARLA: We’re telling the truth, sir. We have no idea where the mummy is. RALPH: I know where it is. DUSTY: Shhh! Don’t tell him! 15 MELVIN: He’s only going to steal it! MUGGS: Hey, let the kid talk. (To RALPH.) So where is this mummy?
RALPH: Will you give me back my camera? MUGGS: Yeah, whatever. Just tell me where the mummy is. RALPH: I put it in the men’s room. 20 DUSTY: (Mortified.) You put Yo-Wut-Sup in the bathroom? RALPH: Yeah. DUSTY: You put the sacred remains of a pharaoh—a man who ruled over Egypt for thirty years, a man who was regarded by his subjects as a god—in a public lavatory? 25 RALPH: Yeah. I propped him against the toilet. But don’t worry, I locked him in the stall. DUSTY: I think I’m going to be ill. MUGGS: Hey, Sparky, I need you to go to the bathroom. SPARKY: But I already went. 30 MUGGS: You meathead! I don’t need you to go to the bathroom. I need you to go to the bathroom. So you can see if the mummy’s there. SPARKY: Oh, yeah. Sure thing, boss. (EXITS LEFT.)
MUGGS: So tell me, kid. What made you put the mummy in the, you
35 know, faculties?
RALPH: Facilities? Well, you see, we’re making this horror movie—
JODY: It’s not just a horror movie. I’m hoping to make a statement on contemporary society and how people tend to discriminate against those who are different.
38 For preview only 1 MUGGS: Who’s this? RALPH: This is Jody. She’s the director— JODY: Director, writer, and cinematographer if you please.
CARLA: What about me?
5 RALPH: We’re just getting to you. CARLA: Well, it’s taking you long enough. MUGGS: Everybody, shut up! CARLA: Sorry, sir. MUGGS: Now, please! Somebody tell me why the corpse is in the can. 10 RALPH: That’s what I’m trying to explain, sir. Jody wanted this big scene where I rise out of the sarcophagus—all scary-like, you know? Only it’s hard to rise out of a sarcophagus when there’s already a mummy inside. MUGGS: But you could have put the mummy anywhere. Why did you 15 stuff the stiff in a stall?
RALPH: Because that’s the last place anybody would look for him.
MUGGS: Oh, yeah. That makes sense. SPARKY: (ENTERS LEFT.) The mummy’s not there, boss. MUGGS: What do you mean the mummy’s not there? Did you look in 20 the bathroom like I told you? SPARKY: Yeah, I looked everywhere. He ain’t there.
MUGGS: (Pulls the squirt gun out of his pocket thinking it’s his gun,
and points it at Ralph.) Hey, kid. I think you’re trying to pull a fast
one on me.
25 RALPH: What? No! I swear! MUGGS: Now look. I’ll give you exactly three seconds to tell me where the mummy is, or my trigger finger is liable to get itchy.(Counts.) One. RALPH: It’s the truth, sir! I put him in the bathroom! 30 MELVIN: (Softly.) Penny! Where are you? MUGGS: Two.
RALPH: Please don’t shoot me, sir— MELVIN: (Softly.) Come on, Penny! We really need you now! MUGGS: Three. (With a deafening roar, YO-WUT-SUP ENTERS RIGHT. 35 MUGGS whirls around.) What is this? Another trick? (MUGGS points the squirt gun at YO-WUT-SUP.) MELVIN: No! Don’t shoot! It’s Penny Dreadful! MUGGS: I don’t care who it is! She’s not going to make a fool out of me! (Pulls the trigger and a stream of water shoots out.) What’s
39 For preview only 1 wrong with this thing? (Looks in the barrel of the squirt gun. He squirts himself in the face.) MELVIN: He’s got the squirt gun! ALL: Hurray! (YO-WUT-SUP grabs MUGGS.) 5 MUGGS: Hey! What are you doing? (YO-WUT-SUP shoves MUGGS against the sarcophagus, causing the robber to tumble backwards inside.) MUGGS: Sparky! Help! SPARKY: Boss! (Rushes over to help MUGGS. YO-WUT-SUP shoves 10 SPARKY against the sarcophagus so he tumbles inside too.) No!
I don’t want to be a mummy! (As the robbers struggle to get out, YO-WUT-SUP closes and locks the lid with the padlock that was still on the floor.) MELVIN: Great job, Penny! You did it! (YO-WUT-SUP growls and turns 15 away from the others.) Didn’t you hear me, Penny? You caught the robbers! (YO-WUT-SUP shuffles OFF RIGHT.) That’s weird. I wonder why she wouldn’t talk to us. DUSTY: So let me get this straight. The mummy that frightened you before wasn’t Yo-Wut-Sup, it was Penny?
20 MELVIN: No, that one must have been Ralph. RALPH: Pretty good acting, huh? CARLA: I wouldn’t go that far. DUSTY: Then what happened to the real Yo-Wut-Sup? RALPH: I don’t know. I saw him in the bathroom an hour ago. 25 MELVIN: Maybe somebody else stole him. DUSTY: That’s horrible! We have to find him! JODY: Forget it. We’ve got a much bigger problem than that. DUSTY: Oh, really? What? JODY: We’re still tied up by this rope. (ALL look at each other, then 30 start yelling for help.)
WANDA: (ENTERS LEFT.) I was hoping the new exhibit would boost our attendance, but this is ridiculous. DUSTY: Wanda! MELVIN: You’re here! (EVERYONE starts chattering at once, begging 35 WANDA to untie them.) WANDA: Quiet! I said quiet! (EVERYONE falls silent. The only sound is a frantic rapping coming from inside the sarcophagus. WANDA turns toward the sound.) Oh, dear! Is that who I think it is? MELVIN: That depends who you think it is. 40 WANDA: That’s got to be Yo-Wut-Sup.
40 For preview only 1 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: You’d think that, wouldn’t you? JODY: Actually, it’s a couple of robbers. DUSTY: Who Melvin failed to catch. WANDA: Robbers? Here in the museum?
5 MELVIN: Yes. They wanted to steal Yo-Wut-Sup, but Penny Dreadful
locked them inside the sarcophagus.
WANDA: I don’t believe it. (Pulls out her key.)
DUSTY: No, Wanda! Don’t open it!
CARLA: They’ve got guns!
10 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Well, one real gun and one squirty gun.
WANDA: This is my museum. I’ll make the decisions here. (Unlocks the lid. MUGGS and SPARKY poke their heads out.)
MUGGS: Big Mama!
SPARKY: It’s you! (WANDA recognizes them and tries to shut the lid,
15 but MUGGS and SPARKY push against it.)
MELVIN: You know them?
WANDA: What, these guys? I’ve never seen them before in my life!
(Despite her best efforts, MUGGS and SPARKY force the lid open and climb out.) 20 MUGGS: Don’t you remember us, Big Mama?
SPARKY: We’re the robbers you—
WANDA: Oh, yes, of course! Muggs and Sparky! My favorite nephews!
SPARKY: Nephews? MUGGS: We ain’t your nephews— 25 WANDA: How’s your dear mother, what’s her name? Why, I haven’t seen her in years! DUSTY: Don’t trust them, Wanda! They’re very bad men! They tried to steal Yo-Wut-Sup!
MELVIN: And they almost shot Penny Dreadful!
30 DUSTY: Well, okay. Maybe they’re not that bad.
WANDA: I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding, isn’t it, boys? You didn’t
try to steal anything, did you?
MUGGS: Uh, no, Aunt Wanda. We’ve never stolen anything in our lives. (Hoping no one will notice, he sets the video camera on the table.) 35 CARLA: Don’t fall for it! JODY: They stole that camera! RALPH: That twelve-hundred dollar camera! MELVIN: Hey, wait a minute! The camera! WANDA: What?
41 For preview only 1 MELVIN: The red light is blinking! Ralph must have turned on the camera when he picked it up! WANDA: Yeah? So? MELVIN: Don’t you see? The camera has been recording everything 5 for the last ten minutes. DUSTY: Yes, Wanda. Replay the video. That’ll prove these men are criminals. MUGGS: I don’t know if that’s a good idea. SPARKY: Yeah. The camera might not have gotten my good side. 10 MUGGS: How many times do I have to tell you? You ain’t got a good side. WANDA: (Picks up the video camera.) Well, all right, but I don’t know what good it’ll do. (Pushes a few buttons.) Oops. CARLA: Oops? 15 PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: What means this word “oops”? WANDA: How clumsy of me. I must have deleted the entire scene. RALPH: What? JODY: How could you?! WANDA: I’m sorry. It looks like all the evidence is destroyed. I guess 20 we’ll have to let them go. (Sets the camera on the table.) PENNY: (From OFF RIGHT, through bullhorn.) All right, you thugs! Come out with your hands up! MUGGS: What’s that? SPARKY: It sounds like the cops! 25 PENNY: (From OFF RIGHT, through bullhorn.) Don’t try to escape! We’ve got the place surrounded! (MUGGS and SPARKY stick their hands in the air.) MUGGS: Don’t shoot, officers! I give up! SPARKY: I gave up first!(PENNY ENTERS RIGHT with the bullhorn, 30 dressed in her street clothes again. She grabs the guns.) MUGGS: Hey, you’re no cop!
PENNY: (Through bullhorn.) No, but I sure sound like one, don’t I?
(Holding the real gun on the robbers, unties the OTHERS.)
WANDA: Excellent work, Penny. I’ll see that you get a hefty reward for
35 this.
MELVIN: Not so fast, Big Mama.
WANDA: What did you call me? MELVIN: The same thing the robbers called you… Big Mama Morrison. You’re the mastermind behind this entire scheme.
40 DUSTY: Scheme? What scheme? 42 For preview only 1 MELVIN: Wanda never intended to exhibit Yo-Wut-Sup. She wanted to steal the mummy so she could sell him on the black market and keep the money for herself. But she wanted to make it look like an outside job, so she hired two robbers to steal him. That way she 5 could collect insurance money on the stolen mummy, too. DUSTY: So that’s why she never installed an alarm system. MELVIN: Exactly. She didn’t want the robbers to get caught. JODY: And that’s why she hired such a cowardly security guard. PENNY: Oh, I don’t know. He may not be the bravest person in the 10 world, but he’s got his own special strengths. WANDA: (Disgusted.) Bleccch! Just take me to prison now, would you? MELVIN: That sure was a close call, Penny. If you’d gotten here any later, we would have been dead ducks. PENNY: Yeah, well, I’m just glad I brought the bullhorn along. 15 MELVIN: No, I mean before that, when you locked the robbers inside the sarcophagus. PENNY: The sarcophagus? MELVIN: Yes, you remember. You came stomping in here, pretending to be Yo-Wut-Sup, just like we planned.
20 PENNY: Um, that wasn’t me.
MELVIN: You mean you weren’t the one disguised as a mummy just now?
PENNY: No. I ripped my costume when I went to look for Pei-Nin-Dah- Nekh. That’s why I was late getting back here.
25 JODY: Wait a minute. If it wasn’t Penny who locked the robbers in the sarcophagus and it wasn’t Ralph, who was it? ALL: (Look at each other.) Yo-Wut-Sup! PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH: Get back here, you bad boy! I’m putting you on the first bus back to Egypt! (EXITS RIGHT.) 30 DUSTY: Not if I find him first! (EXITS RIGHT.) JODY: Oh, no, you don’t! Yo-Wut-Sup is going to be the star of my new movie! CARLA: (Draws her stake.) I think you mean co-star! (EXITS RIGHT with JODY.) 35 RALPH: (Grabs the video camera.) Yeah, well, you’re going to have to find your own movie camera! This one’s going back to Eugenia! (EXITS RIGHT.) PENNY: There goes my exclusive story. MELVIN: (Picks up Penny’s camera from the chair and returns it to her.) 40 Oh, well. This story is too big for an exclusive anyway.
43 For preview only 1 PENNY: I guess you’re right. MELVIN: Hey, would you like to see a movie with me? (Teasing them, WANDA, MUGGS, and SPARKY make kissy lips at each other.) PENNY: Sure. As long as there aren’t any mummies in it. 5 MELVIN: You’re in luck. A movie without any mummies in it just opened at the Roxy. PENNY: It’s a date. (Pause.) I’m sorry. I didn’t catch your name. MELVIN: It’s Trimble. Melvin Trimble. PENNY: Melvin. I like that. It’s a good strong name. (Notices the kissy 10 lips.) Oh, you guys are so going to get it! (She and MELVIN shove WANDA, MUGGS, and SPARKY OFF RIGHT. Almost immediately after, DUSTY ENTERS RIGHT, dragging YO-WUT-SUP behind her.) DUSTY: So I’m thinking at least eight bridesmaids and eight groomsmen. Of course, it would be ridiculous to ask your friends
15 to stand up at our wedding. I doubt most of them can even stand. But, oh, you’d look so handsome in a powder blue tuxedo. No, wait. I think purple is more your color. A nice royal purple… (Begins to EXIT LEFT, still dragging YO-WUT-SUP.) YO-WUT-SUP: Help! (DUSTY yanks YO-WUT-SUP OFF LEFT. FAST
20 CURTAIN.) END OF PLAY
44 For preview only PRODUCTION NOTES
PROPERTIES ONSTAGE Sarcophagus, work table, chair, yardstick, rope. PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON Squirt gun, key (WANDA)
Book, cell phone, padlock, key, bag of M&Ms (MELVIN)
Bullhorn, still camera with long strap (PENNY) Large cloth purse containing jar of powder, amulet, wand, spell book, lock cutters, and ridiculous hat (PEI-NIN-DAH- NEKH) Mallet, wooden stake (CARLA) Video camera with long strap (JODY)
Screwdriver, gun, bandanna (MUGGS) Sprig of flowers (RALPH) SOUND EFFECTS Creaking door, slamming door, footsteps, cell phone ringing.
COSTUMES WANDA wears a professional-looking pantsuit or dress. MELVIN wears navy slacks, light blue shirt, dark blue tie, black shoes, and a badge. DR. DUSTY BONES wears a white lab coat over a khaki shirt and jeans. PENNY, as a reporter, might wear one of those khaki vests with lots of pockets or a trench coat and fedora with a press card sticking out of the brim. Later in the play, she changes into a mummy costume. See Mummy Costumes below. RALPH wears a mummy costume.
MUGGS and SPARKY wear a black sweatshirt, jeans, and a black knit cap. PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH wears a colorful robe and turban, the wilder and more outrageous the better. JODY should wear casual clothes. CARLA should dress like a young Indiana Jones, with khaki trousers, brown leather jacket, and a fedora. Her hair should be pulled back in a bun, held up by bobby pins. YO-WUT-SUP wears a mummy costume.
45 For preview only MUMMY COSTUMES The three mummy costumes are key to much of the action and humor in the play. The costumes for Ralph and Yo-Wut-Sup can be as elaborate as you want since the actors wear them for the entire play. The costume for Penny, on the other hand, should be easy to change into and out of. Both Ralph and Penny must be able to uncover their faces when talking. One way to accomplish this is to run a single bandage across the nose and mouth, which can then be pulled down when indicated by the stage directions. Not only will this allow the actors to be heard better, but it will enable the audience to see their faces so that they can keep track of which mummy is which. Ideally, the costumes should look similar so that it’s reasonable that the mummies could be mistaken for one another. But don’t worry if the costumes look significantly different. In a farce like this, you can always count on the audience to suspend their disbelief.
THE SARCOPHAGUS AND PLATFORM
The sarcophagus is simply a long wooden box painted with the image of an Egyptian pharaoh and other Egyptian decorations. For inspiration, check out some images online. Keep in mind that the sarcophagus needs to be large enough to fit both Muggs and Sparky near the end. Some blankets or other padding should line the bottom for when the robbers are pushed into it. The sarcophagus has a hinged lid as well as a D-ring for the padlock. (It doesn’t actually lock it.) Leave a large gap on the upstage side for air. You will need to experiment to determine the right height for the platform that the sarcophagus rests on. Keep in mind that it needs to be high enough that the audience can’t see into it when it’s open, but low enough that people can climb in and out of it easily and that the robbers can be pushed into it. The platform can also be painted with an Egyptian theme.
THE PADLOCK
The script says that Sparky removes the padlock “as if by magic.” This can be achieved by cutting a gap in the D-ring ahead of time, making it small enough so that the audience is unable to see it.
EGYPTIAN NAMES Several Egyptian names are used in the play, some real, some made up: Mafdet (MAHF-det)—God of justice.
Osiris (oh-SIGH-ris)—God of the underworld. Pei-Nin-Dah-Nekh (pay-NIN-duh-neck)—Made up. Sekhmet (SEK-met)—Goddess of war. Yo-Wut-Sup (yo-WUT-sup)—Really made up.
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