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For Preview Only HOW I MET YOUR MUMMY

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For Preview Only HOW I MET YOUR MUMMY By Todd Wallinger © Copyright 2015, by Todd Wallinger Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155. All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. All other rights in this play, including radio broadcasting, television and motion picture rights, are controlled by TODD WALLINGER to whom all inquiries should be addressed c/o Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155-4267. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS. COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado” 4. The following notice: “Award winner of the Beverly Hills Theatre Guild/Youth Theatre Competition.” For preview only HOW I MET YOUR MUMMY By TODD WALLINGER CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Appearance) # of lines WANDA LUCRE ....................greedy museum director 44 DR. DUSTY BONES ..............archaeologist; seems as old 80 as some of her artifacts; loves her work a bit too much MELVIN TRIMBLE .................new security guard; big chicken 190 PENNY DREADFUL ...............pushy newspaper reporter 54 MUGGS ..............................thief; dim as a 20-watt bulb 146 SPARKY ..............................another thief; would you believe 101 a 5-watt bulb? PEI-NIN-DAH-NEKH ...............Egyptian priestess; slightly crazy 70 RALPH ................................teenage actor; worrywart 92 CARLA ................................teenage actor; smart aleck 100 JODY ..................................bossy teenage film director 142 YO-WUT-SUP ........................real mummy 1 SETTING TIME: Present. PLACE: The Egyptian Room of the O. Howe Dulle Museum. The exhibit consists of a single room dominated by a sarcophagus lying horizontally on a platform CENTER. A work table is STAGE RIGHT with a yardstick, rope, and other miscellaneous tools as well as a folding chair just LEFT of it. There are two exits, one STAGE LEFT and one STAGE RIGHT. These lead to other exhibit rooms and should be open archways. The STAGE LEFT exit also leads to the restrooms. ii For preview only HOW I MET YOUR MUMMY 1 AT RISE: WANDA and DUSTY ENTER RIGHT. Unknown to them, RALPH is lying inside the closed sarcophagus. WANDA: And this is Carter Hall, named for the British archaeologist Howard Carter, who discovered King Tutankhamun’s tomb in 1922. 5 Of course, we like to call it our Den of Antiquity. (Chuckles at her own lame joke.) DUSTY: Yes, Wanda. I know. I work here. WANDA: Of course you work here, Melvin. I just hired you— (Turns to DUSTY.) Wait a minute. You’re not Melvin. 10 DUSTY: No, I’m not. I’m your chief archaeologist, Dr. Dusty Bones. WANDA: Where’s Melvin? DUSTY: I don’t know. I thought he was right behind us. WANDA: Melvin! Melvin! DUSTY: I don’t know why you hired him. I’ve never seen such a 15 cowardly security guard. WANDA: That’s nonsense. He’s just a little shy. (Crosses RIGHT and grabs MELVIN, who’s hiding just OFFSTAGE.) Come on, Melvin. What’s the matter with you? (Drags MELVIN ON.) MELVIN: I’m just nervous, Ms. Lucre. After all, I’ve never been in 20 the same room as one of those things before. (Points to the sarcophagus.) WANDA: I can assure you, Melvin. There’s nothing to be afraid of. MELVIN: What does that inscription say? DUSTY: It says, “Cursed be all who disturb my rest.” (MELVIN makes 25 a break for the STAGE RIGHT EXIT.) WANDA: (Catches him and drags him back into the room.) Where are you going? MELVIN: I was hoping I could work from home. WANDA: Oh, no. We prefer that our security guards work here. In the 30 museum. DUSTY: I know this room can be rather unsettling, but believe me, you’ll get used to it in no time. MELVIN: How long did it take the previous security guard to get used to it? 35 DUSTY: We don’t know. He didn’t last long enough to find out. (MELVIN again makes a break for it.) WANDA: (Drags him back.) Stay. She means he didn’t stay long enough. 1 For preview only 1 DUSTY: Look around you, Melvin. Do you realize that everything in this room is over 3,000 years old? MELVIN: Really? You don’t look a day over 2,000. DUSTY: I’m not talking about myself! I’m talking about the artifacts, 5 the relics! MELVIN: I know. So was I. WANDA: Now let me show you the Greek Room. DUSTY: Don’t worry about the Greek Room, Melvin. You need to focus your attention in here. 10 WANDA: Dr. Bones, I understand your fondness for the mummy— DUSTY: (Horrified, covers the sarcophagus’s “ears.”) How dare you call him that? MELVIN: What’s the matter? WANDA: Dr. Bones has an aversion to the M word. 15 DUSTY: He was a pharaoh, after all. It’s only proper that you call him by his real name. MELVIN: Oh, yeah? What’s that? DUSTY: Yo-Wut-Sup. MELVIN: Not much. What’s up with you? 20 WANDA: No, no, no. Yo-Wut-Sup is the name of the… (Points at the sarcophagus.) D-E-A-D G-U-Y. DUSTY: (Caresses the sarcophagus.) Yo-Wut-Sup—such a rugged, manly name! WANDA: Melvin, please ignore Dr. Bones. Your job is to watch over 25 the entire museum. After all, we’d hate for any of our artifacts to get stolen. MELVIN: Why don’t you just hire more security guards? (WANDA launches into a coughing fit.) DUSTY: Wanda doesn’t like any unnecessary expenses. Like extra 30 security guards. Or an alarm system. WANDA: What are you talking about? We have an alarm system. DUSTY: Yes. A couple of tin cans tied to the front door. WANDA: Melvin, I have every confidence in the world that you’ll keep Yo-Wut-Sup safe. 35 MELVIN: You can count on me, boss. I wouldn’t dream of letting anything happen to him. (Leans against the sarcophagus, causing it to move.) WANDA: Melvin! DUSTY: Be careful! The slightest vibration could cause him to crumble 40 into dust! 2 For preview only 1 MELVIN: How much did you say you paid for him? WANDA: Five million dollars. MELVIN: I think you got ripped off. PENNY: (From OFF RIGHT, through a bullhorn.) Who dares disturb my 5 ancient slumber? (MELVIN gasps, and even WANDA and DUSTY look frightened. A camera flashes OFF RIGHT.) MELVIN: What was that? PENNY: (ENTERS RIGHT, laughing. She’s holding a bullhorn and has a camera around her neck.) You should have seen your faces! Oh 10 wait. You will. On the front page of tomorrow’s Tribune. DUSTY: Penny Dreadful! WANDA: I thought I told you you’re not welcome anymore! PENNY: Come on. Let me take just one picture of the stiff before you unveil him tomorrow. 15 DUSTY: Absolutely not! PENNY: What’s the matter? Afraid I’ll find out about your little scam? DUSTY: I don’t know what you’re talking about. PENNY: Oh, please. You know what all the experts are saying. That mummy’s a fake. (With a gasp, DUSTY covers the sarcophagus’s 20 “ears” again.) MELVIN: It is? WANDA: No, it’s not! DUSTY: Give me one good reason you think he’s a fake. PENNY: I’ll give you three. One, you haven’t allowed a single 25 photographer to take a picture of him. Two, you haven’t released any details about where you found him. And three, what kind of name is Yo-Wut-Sup anyway? WANDA: All right. Suppose this is all a hoax. What would we stand to gain by it? 30 PENNY: Money, of course. You’d do anything to make a buck. First, you pushed your overpriced line of Egyptian jewelry. Then you came out with your Famous Pharaoh action figures. Why, it’s all just one big pyramid scheme. DUSTY: This is absurd! I’d stake my reputation on the authenticity of 35 this find! PENNY: You have no reputation, Dr. Bones. Until this discovery was announced, no one in the archaeological community had heard of you. DUSTY: Maybe I like to keep things under wraps. 40 WANDA: Melvin, get this hack out of here. 3 For preview only 1 PENNY: Don’t worry. I’m going. I’m going. But I’m telling you this, if that old bag of bones is fake, I’ll make sure the whole world knows it. (EXITS RIGHT, laughing ominously.) WANDA: As you can see, Melvin, our new exhibit is attracting lots of 5 attention. There are a lot of nut jobs who might try to sneak into the museum tonight. DUSTY: We expect you to defend Yo-Wut-Sup to the death. MELVIN: That shouldn’t be hard.
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