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WMOm IfevXx>...x:xx:xxxvx :x-.v.v. v..x---.:xv._x;X <x : y.vx ;xx ; .....;.;.: X;X I.:"' ■:"' WLU TODAY x x ;. :;X; :;X;X:: . xrx;:x ; x;x::;.:.;:-x;.; x-x;:: :-;;v::.;x: : X :X;X-X :::X;:::;::X;::X :X:.,;;:XX::X: : ::X X: :X:X:";::"x::'x:x>:x-:'::x>:::;x::::-x:::::::X::; :<-x-x-:-:-^ ITTryTMMT?rTy3BMiIft' I -j| j'iL'Jl-K wtWBl> Jill ' * * J J.l>l J-lrl 1 l w lilii m ii*al -.... : :'X-x-:-: :-:-x- WT^** .................................v.-.-. •••• :-:vX-:-:-x-:<v:-: fii :-x<-: :v:-:v THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995 WLU fishing base project NEWSLINE By Phill M Kinzinger A QUICK GLANCE ON THE NEWS symbols WLU TODAY Phallic What you don't know about the Transit hatted: fish war can hurt your pocketbook. federal Thanks to those bleeding heart freaks, VIA rail The truth is the Canadian campus is hiding something in mid-commitment to pro- found on government is allowed to stall hid- vide travel. Check out what WLU Today sees as Large, straight objects found everywhere at Laurier from the public, and what it's affects WLU students. the evil consequences of this socialist crap. ing SPECIAL REPORT Six years ago an idea was con- ceived for a joint oceanography pro- Jordan arrives: between Wilfrid Laurier Basketball star Michael Jordan is coming to Have you ever noticed the pro- gram, and and the University of Laurier. Yes folks, we might win another game liferation of large, straight University Labrador. The was to establish yet. erect objects on campus? WLU plan Today brings you an expose of an underwater base in the Atlantic The universities Dynamic Duo: the phallic symbols that popu- ocean. two applied Baad, Baad, Baad. No, it's not some famous late and dominate our environ- for a grant from the federal govern- ment, in the days when the physcopath killer, but our very own advice ment. back federal government handed out gurus. Be afraid. But first, a brief explanation. A phallus is an image or model money like a circus clown does bal- They received $284 million Phallic heaven: of the penis, symbolizing male loons. Thus, a dollars, approximately 70% of the Wondered why you are feeling a little...randy? generative power. phal- of an 8000 foot under- Hot? Bum'in baby? It's this suggestive environ- lic symbol is something that cost square for that water base. ment, or so WLU Today has discovered. stands a phallus, and carries the same connotations. The position of the base was to exactly around the Fisherpeople's woes: And now, prepare yourself. be, that's right, shocked, area the Spanish are fishing. This Ever wondered what the real reason is for those You will be mortified that the base is ... randy. reporter has learned fish wars on the high seas? Read on for the real aid perhaps a little under construction. The smelly story. already Continued Page 2 engineers say it will be ready for use by the fall semester, but no one Ted Bollows: realistically expects it to be com- Not properly appreciated by WLU Today in the until January of 1996. past, Han Solo has looked into his colourful pleted Two questions need to be asked. past and brings back his many cherished it both universi- accomplishments. One. why was that ties and the federal government were silent about this. According The Land of Men: Assistant Has the tide started to turn? What's fair for the to Deputy Deputy Minister of Fisheries, Phil goose, is .... ah, you know the rest. McCrakin, the federal government Washington would Kato-god: was afraid think Canada was building a nuclear mis- An indepth interview with the master of facial The universities responded movements. It's just our way of informing you One of the many sexual sile site. didn't about the most important event of the century. symbols that can be found with extreme candor. "We around your school tell you cause we were trying to how much tuition actually Jordan arrives: hide costs, compared to the amount we Basketball star Michael Jordan is coming to were on the underwater Laurier. Yes folks, we might win another game spending yet. base". fights The second question is, what group underwater base have to Laurier does the Dynamic Duo: with turbot fishing? Baad, Baad, Baad. No, it's not some famous do Spanish answer is that the turbot stock physcopath killer, but our very own advice The was supposed to feed the base staff gums. Be afraid. for Men's Centre and visiting students. With the are fishing so heavily, the uni- Repetttiveness: By Herb Tarlac selves for years at Laurier but we continually Spanish and Canadian government Don't you just hate it when people keep telling WLU TODAY suppressed by a female-dominated world," said versities in are afraid that the stock would be you the same thing, over and over again? Bobbitt. Bobbitt enrolled at Laurier this year the base staff. The Men For Social Liberty At Laurier(MFS- order to try and end the "injustices" that he says too low to sustain alternatives? The LAL), was recently pleasantly surprised when are prevalent on Laurier's campus. You may What were the have their ten point solution for continued equality remember he endured a painful ordeal last year universities could shipped food on a monthly basis, was recently approved by Laurier's administra- that saw him temporarily lose a part of his anato- canned this would have only increased WLU SNAPSHOTS tion. "We're ecstatic," remarked MFSLAL presi- my. He didn't not want to talk about the incident. but which would have been A look at statistics that are completely meaningless dent John Bobbitt. "It's good to see how the pow- The following are the ten points that the the cost, to the students, and tire ers that be are applying their sense of equality and administration approved: transferred better than to fairness to both sexes." Men should be given an area for men-only on administration knew it stands, WLU cannot MFSLAL has, until now, been up in arms that campus in order to deal with the following prob- do that. As on WEIR, they were not provided with the same opportuni- lems and concerns: afford to cut its net BASE it afford move the foun- ties to meet, share ideas and express opinions like 1. An area where men can go in order to practice nor can to the only other suitable women have been doing for years at Laurier. The their efficiency of controlling and manipulat- dations to biggest development arising from the doeskin is ing the TV converter. site, the Bay of Fundy. to open a "Men's Centre" on campus. A place 2. Men be given an area where they can meet to where men can go and interact with each other deal with the problems presented in the five outside ofthe threat of feminist influence. minutes immediately following sex: when "Men have been battling to express them- men either want to leave or go to sleep and are Continued on page 2 ForWLUTODAY • 2 THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995 • WLU TODAY SPECIAL REPORT: LAURIER'S PHALLIC SYMBOLS SPECIAL REPORT Laurier's Phallic Symbols From our cover... First off, ever wondered why you've always had an over- bothered after so many exposures. These are especially vis- whelming urge to take a class in the Seminary? With a ible in residence hallways — like the people there need name like that, and a structure like the one it has, who can any more encouragement! blame you? It seems to be Laurier's tribute to the CN Tower, Lastly is the male body itself, particularly examples like which as The Frantics used to say, was so big that even the near-perfect specimen depicted here. This fine temple Rochester could get off on it! of man is sure to arouse longings that — what? The POOL — Just across the parking lot is the emergency pole CUE is the phallic symbol? OK ... but its easy to understand exactly what sort ofrelief this 6 foot wonder could provide my confusion! to the desperate student isn't a great stretch of the imagina- Well, that's it. This informative piece should explain tion! those sudden urges you experience this grand campus of Next is the classic fire extinguisher hose, more effective ours. By the way, I'd get a good look at all those steel beams at stimulation because it is, like Data from The Next they're using on the SUB expansion, before they get cov- Generation, "fully functional." It's found in so many places ered by floors and stuff like that — might have to last you over campus that its no surprise one might feel hot and through exams! Men's Centre on campus From page 1 rewarding and educa- provide opportunities to constantly badgered by tional experiences that enhance, not hinder, rela- women to "cuddle." benefit both men and tionships with the oppo- 3. To give men a room full women. site sex. of TV sets in order to pro- 6. To provide an area where 9. That frequent glances at vide up-to-the minute men can view/read their attractive members of the tracking of their Pro-Line pictorials of their idols: opposite sex, do not bets.