mmauaWiii i* x-x-x-x-x x-x•x-.-.-.-.-x-x -.••• x :xx:x: x:::x-x x-x-x-x . : y;: ::'" •x-:;: ;x:: :x;xxx :xx:;x x;x;:;x-y - xx-o: x:x xx;-; ; :xx > x :• My? 'i;K- :3:•:: ' "M r •- - ',x ' : 'x •"',x." i £: ■gfll! yil * £>*:: ' ;> :•: •• . '4 &&■ ;i x-: x ":v xW.. 11-1,1::: ■ i'l"! WMOm IfevXx>...x:xx:xxxvx :x-.v.v. v..x---.:xv._x;X WLU TODAY x x ;. :;X; :;X;X:: . xrx;:x ; x;x::;.:.;:-x;.; x-x;:: :-;;v::.;x: : X :X;X-X :::X;:::;::X;::X :X:.,;;:XX::X: : ::X X: :X:X:";::"x::'x:x>:x-:'::x>:::;x::::-x:::::::X::; :<-x-x-:-:-^ ITTryTMMT?rTy3BMiIft' I -j| j'iL'Jl-K wtWBl> Jill ' * * J J.l>l J-lrl 1 l w lilii m ii*al -.... : :'X-x-:-: :-:-x- WT^** ...... v.-.-. •••• :-:vX-:-:-x-: SPECIAL REPORT Laurier's Phallic Symbols From our cover... First off, ever wondered why you've always had an over- bothered after so many exposures. These are especially vis- whelming urge to take a class in the Seminary? With a ible in residence hallways — like the people there need name like that, and a structure like the one it has, who can any more encouragement! blame you? It seems to be Laurier's tribute to the CN Tower, Lastly is the male body itself, particularly examples like which as The Frantics used to say, was so big that even the near-perfect specimen depicted here. This fine temple Rochester could get off on it! of man is sure to arouse longings that — what? The POOL — Just across the parking lot is the emergency pole CUE is the phallic symbol? OK ... but its easy to understand exactly what sort ofrelief this 6 foot wonder could provide my confusion! to the desperate student isn't a great stretch of the imagina- Well, that's it. This informative piece should explain tion! those sudden urges you experience this grand campus of Next is the classic fire extinguisher hose, more effective ours. By the way, I'd get a good look at all those steel beams at stimulation because it is, like Data from The Next they're using on the SUB expansion, before they get cov- Generation, "fully functional." It's found in so many places ered by floors and stuff like that — might have to last you over campus that its no surprise one might feel hot and through exams! Men's Centre on campus From page 1 rewarding and educa- provide opportunities to constantly badgered by tional experiences that enhance, not hinder, rela- women to "cuddle." benefit both men and tionships with the oppo- 3. To give men a room full women. site sex. of TV sets in order to pro- 6. To provide an area where 9. That frequent glances at vide up-to-the minute men can view/read their attractive members of the tracking of their Pro-Line pictorials of their idols: opposite sex, do not bets. Cindy Crawford, Pamela lessen the affection for 4. To provide men a coun- Anderson and the like, your particular girlfriend, seling service showing without fear of damage or but instead make us that there is a direct corre- reprisal from girlfriends. appreciate the joys of our lation between failing to 7. To provide an area where significant other. "perform" and the 18 men can admire and seek 10. Lastly, it must be shots of Rye and Coke to improve the quality remembered that these consumed that evening. and size of a long-held great men's causes are male treasure: their beer under attack! Men must 5. To establish a think-tank gut. be give opportunities to to study ways to con- 8. To establish ways of con- counter-act the evil vince wives and girl- vincing girlfriends that forces that threaten to friends that "nights out endless hours of football, destroy diem. with the boys" are hockey and basketball r V.rV >K'""' \ L | * ' f ! y< •* < N - • > * ■"• < - .- YL\/\* ... t', *}'*>*' CV ; -v J . «# , V s /. ; ;;^ *; , /' ;.V'y;."''"V> | RI 7 -t»> V> ' *' "*" " "s S " * «• * " [ ',| - ■'• < f u /% '■> - >%/ v <, , Ju CI U. J. "' > ' - v : ••- '. ■ ;, '.••'. ," -.-;,. ;M ,f '/■?,••, ,' i'-'i,:S ; f;..\5'-,'^C' v- 4 ' :V,, v "• " ' ~ - v> * *. * * - *'< l „?>: .> -*\ .? **«?*'**'« * «. r< v tHkri **- * ~S h t.\\ >H:.>: v | WLU TODAY • THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995• 3 OPINION WLU Editor Freakin' Babe Books and songs WLU Production Manager Chaos Pat that taint Managing Editor TODAY Screw-Up Louis our every thought Advertising Manager This is yet another installment of our sug- "White Christmas" Causing LETTERS Stroke Jim gested book and song burning list, presented in by Bing Crosby a continuing effort to rid the world of un-politi- This song is a pure attempt to re-establish cally correct literature and music, which taints white power over marginalized ethnic groups. was late, he was not "plastered beyond his our every thought and poisons the minds of Thing-mas can be any colour you want it to be. I want liver's lucking capacity". He'd simply had too our children. Please melt all your 78s of Bing until further dough much of a potent cough medicine. notice. my Furthermore, you made a typo. Mr. Ed Moore "Imagine" Day the Dear Editor, did not "drop his large penis to the floor with a by John Lermon of Ttiffids Wyndham I have some concerns about my inheri- loud thud", it was his large pencil. Lastly, our The problem with this song is that it dis- by John tance. When my grandparents passed away, organization does not seek "larger breasts in cusses a "brotherhood of man". This is com- This is a blatant attempt to instill paranoia. The triffids are obvious representations of my parents received a windfall. This was Parliament", we want larger periods of rest pletely exclusive and sexist. When we view it because my grandparents came from that war between Parliament sessions. alongside "Strawberry Fields", a song which is womyn, marginalized ethnic groups and chal- generation when everyone cashed in during Signed, fruit-specific, and his work on such LPs as lenged individuals. Intelligent plants, hah! This the good times of the 50's and 60s, and retired Don't Send Anymore Drunk "Revolver", an obvious promotion of guns and book is a treatise calling for the re-assertion of Burn your in semi-wealth. But my parents, who are Reporters violence, we believe that Lennon is an elitist of white male dominance. copy, your divorced, are bad managers of money. The one sorts and should be completely avoided. Bum neighbor's, your parents', and your professor's. lives like a king on credit, but owns squat. The all your Beatles and Lennon music. Long Live the Revolution. other is too busy donating her money to wor- thy causes. Already they are returning to debt- Brown Catcher in the Rye The time has come for womyn and their ridden lives. When they die I won't get jack- by J.D. Salinger evil masculine counterpart to realize that both are Peepill. shit. How is this fair? spots Although this book did benefit us by aiding sexes must live in harmony. People we'll Signed, Grisel Greedy-guts Dear Editor, in the extermination of the evil John Lennon Don't discriminate in your writing or What is wrong with the government and (we should bow our heads for a minute and string your ass up and burn your shorthand big business? What gives them the right to dic- remember our brother of the revolution Mark scribbles. Sovereignty tate how we live our lives? Since when did a David Chapman), it is nevertheless a source of stamp start costing more than thirty cents? evil itself. This book is an obvious attack Paid for by the Coalition to Eliminate Terrible demanded Why doesn't food services offer tacos any- against the homosexual community. The main Terrible Injustice in Literature and Music That Dear Editor, more? How did Ed McMahon get my address? character, Holden Caufield. repeatedly pro- On the Off-Chance Might Hurt Someone's When is the government going to do some- Shouldn't there be a condom dispenser in motes hatred of what he calls "Flitty" people. Feelings. Toronto. thing about the autonomy of my people? We every bathroom? What's the reason I only have This is not a masterpiece, it is kindling. are descendants of early Dutch-Greek fisher- three pair of underwear? Where do the brown men who settled in Newfoundland in the six- spots in them come from? Why should a penis teenth century. For forty-five years we've been have to be six inches to be average? Why do seeking an autonomous state, that recognizes men orgasm after three seconds and women our distinct, and I mean distinct, language and never seem to at all? culture. Nowhere else in the world can you Signed, drink uzo from a wooden shoe, and herd sheep The Inquisitive One in windmill-rimmed fields. My people have been oppressed for too long. This Victoria Day we're holding a referendum in Labrador to Lay gauge support for separation from Canada. your floor gillis ~MAVRIC I Signed, Whiners East of Ottawa Dear Editor, MATT PATT When I signed up to this university, I was Trapped under the impression it offered a degree in Tile Dear Editor, Floor Laying. Although it was offered in the I hope this letter gets to you. I am trapped calendar, it wasn't actually coordinated and ' * '• $ in the elevator in the library between the fifth taught. Shifting between degrees in • • . ... and sixth floors. I dropped this down the shaft Psychology, English, Computer Science and in the opening between the doors. If someone Geography, I finally settled upon a B.A. in Contests & aerf Cf iiff reads this, please send help, I've been here for Flycasting. I feel ripped off, but I've already Giveaways * two days. invested about $6000 in tuition, $2200 in a I I'll Signed, stereo and about $600 in beer, so guess Special G ue s t Appear a n c e s : Getting Hungry and Gotta Poop have to finish offmy last year. Signed, Jeff Will I Be Able to Get a Job? Erin & Rest (ZsyY Dave as for breasts The Bartenders" Dear Editor :: I'm very upset at your coverage of my orga- >«j#^J; sDevin &Tanja as nization's meeting last week. While the chair p.Salt & Pepper ($g t Finest Indian Cuisine and the Roo Crew as W am a "Themselves" 4lteb l 103 King Street North, Jarid Peterson Waterloo i 3 S 888 - 6223 "THE REGULATOR" s .99 Daily Luncheon Buffet £ A Greg Zehr Production 11:30am-2:30pm Tuesday to Saturday O ALL YOU CAN EAT Directed by: Kirk Vines Produced by: Zeke Sunday " Brunch $ "7 with dessert 11:30am-2:30pm / In Association with Outback Steakshack ALL YO U ca X HA T Special Dinner Buffet 99 | at Rock! with dessert and Tandoori Chicken 1 U Now Playing The Crocodile s:3opm-10:30pm Monday to Wednesday all you can f.at Every Thursday Nite 9p.m-close 607 King St.W. Kitchener Ont. Scrumptious Dinner Menu s:3opm-1 o:3opm Thursday to Sunday N2GIC7 744-7557 We Caterfor All Your Party Needs - Call For Reservations Today Transportation arrangements will be made by with Excluding Zeke for parties of 8 or more this Coupon liquor Braamm^mßranmramraLßmin^^ 4 THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995 • WLU TODAY l ° ''" eat""" " c |7 n nQ \ 6reat F (71 ) 8 BEDROOM HOUSE! * Large oversized bedrooms I Mrami 112X i / I■/nIJT J I IA I 1 / I JJ wJ .2 kitchens • 2 baths I ' • Living & dining rooms I • ——— or • Laundry facility Parking I \ ' * Price $250 per person I I I \ JM||p |j ij if® (J / 8 month lease - Sept. 1/95 to May 1/96 I I 4 BEDROOM HOUSE! ML-—One year training for • Large oversized bedrooms I I primary and secondary school • Kitchen • Bathroom I • you * Laundry facilities Parking I I qualifications1 that allow | ■ • , , s~\ i "Licensed to teach in Ontario. ■ . Excellent location Contact the LI nivers i t ie s' rcprcsen t a t iv e s: « pfj q g $250 per person K C n a ,S ?, 8 month lease - Sept. to May 1/96 p° , 1/95 I P.O.PO Boxn r„-,<601 2 4 MountainM '°,f'Plaza Postal?VoO Lit let I DOtOJI-A^AOUJEE' Of course you do; everybody does. And as the voice of WLU, 1/2pg-Ipg Ipg-3pgs TA7TTT T j u.i .i., , Article WLU Today has a responsibility to | cover the issues and events you Rally/ $50.00 $125.00 believe in, the way YOU want them protest I | covered. j — J That's the idea behind the Political Pfr manifesto $75.00 $150.00 i The BootLicker Program is a service | aimed at giving YOUR causethe cov- 1 Slanderous I diatribe/ | erage it deserves. It's like having your $225.00 1 personal $100.00 1 own private news- paper, without | 1 pesky editors! just bring your articles, 1 announcements and lists of acceptable I language to WLU Today, and our staff of trained monkeys will cater your | political agenda! llffIf * BettertoHave I a Brown Nose I Than a Red Face! M • WLU TODAY THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995 5 WLU TODAY EXTRA FEATURE Where are they now? The joys and sorrows or Laurier graduates as they strike out in the real world From Velcro to Shame The Ultimate This young lass was the last graduate of Lauder's ill-fated Honours Shoe Design and NOHAIR Maintenance The pro- Double Life program. gram, in existence for only 2 These guys were living the classic dual cold nineties didn't seem as special as the semesters, was a Government of lifestyle: Laurier student by day, Hare drug-induced early seventies. They now felt Ontario initiative. Karishnas by night. they didn't belong in either world, so they fol- She went on to freelance After a hard day in their business classes lowed the only path left open to them: talk as a shoe design consultant for they would head down to Pearson show guests. several major companies. One International and do, day in the late seventies she well, whatever Hare thought she had it made when Karishnas do. After they she came up with one of the depleted their flower greatest ideas of our century: supply they would Velcro shoes. After being return to K-W. No one laughed out of town by the was the wiser. oppressive large shoe manufac- After they graduated turing Cartel, she persisted until they found themselves she got a private audience with at a crossroads: enter the president of a small but pro- the business world, or gressive shoe company. become a full time Hare Unfortunately, her bad Karishna. They went luck continued when her idea where the money was, was stolen by the company, joining the other suits eventually bringing it fame and on Bay Street. After fortune. Downtrodden, she still years of pulling in the kept hope. She liad one idea left: big bucks, they finally asbestos shoes. Unfortunately, realized that, without she forget to read Health true happiness, their Canada's report on the ill effects success seemed hollow. of asbestos, and she is still feeing So they shaved their lawsuits from people in the test heads again, bought market area. some bed sheets, and She decided enough headed down to the air- was enough, got a real job. and is port. They soon real- now living happily ever alter. ized, however, that you really can't go back: tire It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's just a nuclear bomb Ch-ch-ch-chia! BIG HAIR This happy-go-lucky group were the Friends of Nuclear Power. They protested tirelessly in favor of nuclear power, never passing up a This gentleman had been growing his hair since he was in chance to tell their fellow Laurier students the benefits of this danger- diapers. He had received a message from God telling him ous but effective energy resource. Unfortunately, they made enemies in not to ait his hair until he was 25. He didn't know why, the wrong places, and this is the last known photograph ofthem before and he wondered for years if God was simply playing a they were wiped off the face of the earth by a nuclear warhead. It was trick on him. After all, he was the butt of numerous jokes never discovered who was behind this awful deed, but it was widely from his fellow students. It was made worse by the fact that suspected that L.C.F. had purchased a dozen warheads from the Soviet his hair was perfectly straight, and he bore a striking resem- Union at a cut-rate price. Off the record one of it's members was quoted blance to Crystal Gale. as saying, "I guess nuclear power does have its advantages". One day his luck turned, after plugging the refrigerator into the stove, he received a major shock and went into a coma for three months. The bright side was that the electric current had given him a permanent afro. The Jackson 5 was in vogue, and he managed to convince everyone he was the missing Jackson. Unfortunately, the novelty soon ran out, and he realized that his hair was past the teased stage: it was tormented. What place would the world have for a freak like him? That is when he discovered God's real purpose for him; he was spotted by an up and coming inventor, and he became the prototype for Cilia Pet. The rest is history. I Want To Ride My Bicycle Before the ten speed bicycle, world was over. He couldn't pulled a few strings and got there was this slick road go on. He was prepared to himself included in the big machine. Everyday after take his life. race. school he would ride his Then he realized that After a valiant effort, bike down the main street of committing suicide would which saw him wear the Waterloo singing Queen's only mean that the thugs yellow jersey for a week, he "Bicycle Race". He was so had won. He wouldn't let eventually fell apart like all proud ofhis bike that he put them have that satisfaction. good Canadian cyclists do. bells on it, put hockey cards Instead, he focused all of his However, he became the in the spokes, and shined it rage onto one goal: winning darling of the press, and at twice a day. the Tour de France. the height of his popularity Then came the worse He prepared for two he made an appearance on day in his life: a group of years, even simulating the the Tommy Hunter show. thugs knocked him off his mountain peaks of Europe He now hawks his own bike, kicked sand in his face, by riding up and down the personally designed bicycle and destroyed his bike. His ramp outside the Library. He in Infomercials. 6 THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995 •WLU TODAY WLU TODAY ENTERTAINMENT Dear Dynamic Duo, I went to the movies on Tuesday and Stones still kickin' the boy I went with put his hand on my knee. Despite spilling nearly all of my By Troy McClure much to the appreciation of the large crowd. popcorn, I pushed it away quickly. The WLU TODAY The "Back to Our Roots Tour" will continue heat from his devilish fingers burned with dates at Guelph, UWO, Windsor and Lambton into my leg. MY question is, can I be Aging rock icons The Rolling Stones kicked offtheir College. pregnant? "Back to Our Roots Tour" with a sold-out perfor- Signed, mance at the Turret last night. Not surprisingly* the Scared bulk of the crowd was not students hut instead staff Dear Scared, and faculty, particularly tenuredfaculty. What were you doing out on a school The group proved that they can still put on a night? This alone implies promiscuity. major league performance with a playlist that That he touched you is in itselfa horri- spanned their long musical history. After opening ble thing, but how could you sit directly with "Start Me Up", they moved into some Stones next to him without a parent or classics including "Paint it Black" and "You Cant guardian? Obviously, you wished that Always Get What You Want". his Luciferous fingers would travel fur- The show, however, took a noticeable downturn ther to your holy place if you let them after the blazing opening set, To put it simply, it stay on your leg long enough to burn looked like the boys were getting a tad sleepy. through. Go to the doctor, and get him The Dynamic Duo "Jumpin* lack Flash" and "Sympathy for the Devil" to do the test. Next time, stay home and were somewhat marred by Mick logger's frequent wad. It isfarless vixen-like. Relationships yawning while Richards Dynamic Duo lead guitarist Keith needed 1 1 constant prodding from an alert roadie to keep him Dear Dynamic Duo, her out for a wholesome meal at your upright. Drummer Charlie Watts actually did man- I am going out to dinner with this girl mother's house. This is sure to be eco- age to sleep through the second half of the show, but from my class, and I am worried that I nomically pleasing, and after the plea- no one seemed to notice the change in his behav- will order and say the wrong thing. sure ofan evening with your loving par- iour. Where should I take her? ents, she will be delighted when you Throughout the night, fagger managed to keep Signed, suggest, as your final destination, the up a lively banter with members of the Turret First Dater library. The couple that studies together, crowd. He recalled their start in show business in Dear First Dater, stays together. England, back when they used to play college bars : We hope that all your school work and Dynamic Duo as many as five nights a week. He also managed to chores are done before you go out on Dear Dynamic Duo, belt out "Western Sucks" on several occasions, the town for a night of frivolity. I have been a very good person, Education is the key to goodness. Take although lately I feel unclean. I must express my grief at what has happened. The other day, I dropped the soap in my shower and when I bent down to pick it up, my hand grazed across my private parts. While I can't even look down there, I have never had a boy touch me there — other than my doctor. How can I be clean again? Signed, Touchy Dear Touchy, Horrible, horrible girl. Well, the deed is done noiv. There is nothing to do but pick up the pieces of your shattered existence and move on. Idle hands are the devil's workshop, and this must always be kept in mind. You will never return to the state of cleanliness vou once were in. but vou can aspire to maintain the rest ofyour life doing good work for others. "Get thee to a nun- neiy." Dynamic Duo Ted Bollows' many deeds By Troy McClure your WLU TODAY !Internet Canadian stage legend Ted Bollows cer- tainly hasn't been getting the credit he deserves in the local media lately. After a less-than-absolutely-superb review of fingertips. | his performance in The Regeneration of George McGraff, his colleagues rallied HookUp is your best way into internet, the Information Hookllp gives you the cost-efficiency of E-Mail, the / to his support. Superhighway. Our lines offer you smooth, convenience of Internet's / WLU Today looked into his past information tools,' retrieval they crystaU\ear fibre-optic connections tor the best in and the helpful guidance of accomplishments and boy, are HookUp's service I impressive. Not only is Bollows a veter- quality. Only HookUp transmission offers the full range representatives. Plug into the world today, the most / I an of the Canadian stage, he also has of Internet's services. convenient way...with HookUp. /II managed some other feats: • penned War and Peace, lost manu- script to Leo Tolstoy in a poker game. • is the voice of Homer Simpson. • actually piloted The Spirit of St. Louis | across the Atlantic when Charles 1-800-363-0400 Lindbergh went into a bourbon- induced stupor. • was the second gunner on the grassy knoll #foofcOT7 V • invented fire CommunicationsLJBf I • put in floor tiles in Sistine Chapel • a e-mail: [email protected] convinced George Lucas to write series of sci-fi fairy tales instead of his YOUR GATEWAY TO INTERNET original plan he titled "Hansel and Gretel meet Richard Simmons" WLU TODAY • THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 1995 7 WLU TODAY SPORTS NO CHALLENGE IN THE NBA Jordan to play for Hawks By Han Solo Instead, he will be registering as a double major in WLU TODAY Honours Computing and Honours Math. Said Jordan, "I really like playing my son's Nintendo and I know my In a stunning development that will once again rock the multiplication tables well." sporting world, Michael Jordan has re-retired from the Not surprisingly, the news comes as quite a shock to NBA to pursue a career in CIAU hoops, right here at the rest of the teams in the CIAU, especially those in Laurier. Laurier's OUAA West division. The University of Having won the NBA championship three times, Western Ontario Mustangs are reportedly in negotia- the NCAA championship, the World Championship, tions with Seattle's Shawn Kemp while the Waterloo and the Olympic Gold Medal, Jordan has apparently Warriors have been seen talking to Shaquille O'Neal decided to pursue the one basketball honour that and Anfernee Hardaway ofthe Orlando Magic. evades him - the CIAU crown. Meanwhile, CBS has dropped their coverage of the "I realized that there is still nothing left for me to do NCAA Championship tournament for 1996 and has in the NBA," said Jordan. "That's why I left the game in bought the rights to OUAA broadcasts from CHCH for the first place and after coming back to league for a few $750 million U.S. games it was obvious to me that I could own the league Back on the homefront, WLU Basketball coach Gary within weeks. There was no challenge, no thrill." Jeffries was unable to provide WLU Today with a coher- It looks like Jordan is hoping to find that thrill by ent response. suiting up for our very own Golden Hawks. "I've been He was apparently delirious with glee. Director of watching the Hawks throughout the year," said Jordan, Athletics and Recreation Rich Newbrough describes "and I've noticed that they have a lot of talent, a lot of Jeffries' state as "expected, under die circumstances. potential." He's been in his office all day drawing up new plays Jordan also notes that while talented, the young and saying *1967' over and over." 1967 was the last time Hawk team could use a floor leader and someone who the Hawks won the CIAU title. can put points on the board. His Airness should be able Chicago Bulls coach Phil Jackson was understand- to fill both of those roles. An eight-time NBA scoring ably dejected about Jordan's news. "Sure I'm disap- champ, Jordan certainly has the ability to put the ball in pointed, this is a big letdown for the whole team. But it the hoop. really isn't a shock. Michael always has been one to try But can Jordan hit the books? Jordan tells me that he new things. This certainly is, if I'm not mistaken, a will not be a phys. ed. major as one might expect. first." Scab ball players means titles are up for grabs 00NTW0RK FOR By Han Solo WLU TODAY Look for the Toronto Blue Jays to repeat as World Series Champs this year. Their replacement lineup looks pretty solid. Auto mechanic Jim "Knuckles" Turkle had a good spring, he should ANYBODY give the Jays good production from the cleanup spot in the batting order. Anchoring the pitching staff will be Panamanian dock worker Pascual Andujar. He's got a good fastball and a decent curve. In replacement ball, two pitches is all you need. The Cleveland Indians, led by demo- lition experts Carlo and Al Santini, are the team to beat in the A.L. Central divi- THIS SUMMER. sion. In the West, it's Seattle that has the strength in botii the batter's box and on the mound. The Mariners can rely on lounge singer "Sweet Louie" Anderson for their offensive output and on truck driver "Rocket" Roger Wiggum to pro- vide quality starting pitching. In the National League, things look pretty much up for grabs. Expansion teams Colorado and Florida have taken advantage of the fact that they are now on a par with the rest of the league by I aggressively recruiting some hot prospects. Florida has signed a slew of JOB WITH A STUDENT VENTURE LOAN. local high school all-stars to lead their I CREATE YOUR OWN team while Colorado has taken the opposite route by signing a bevy of Oldtimer Slo-Pitch standouts. Both every summer hundreds of students use Student Venture to start their own business. Last year teams should be worth watching. It's easier than you think. In fact The Braves and Expos also look very for instance, Kevin Grignon paved driveways. Andre Edelbrook landscaped. Jo-Anne Cortes paint- 0 »jobsOntario Summer Employment strong. The Braves are apparently trying ed houses. Trudy Chu started a retail operation. Whatever you want to do, we can make it happen. boulotOntario Emplois d'M | to coax Henry Aaron out of retirement making whlie the Expos have added the potent With an interest-free loan up to $3,000, and all the free advice you need. You may end up power of ex-wrestler Dusty Rhodes to as much as you would wooing for others. If you're 15-29, and going back to school next year, @ OntclflO shoulder the offensive load and handle school, college or university. the catching duties. J call toll free 1-800-387-5656. Or pick up an application at your high Time to play ball! WLU TODAY • THURSDAY, MARCH 30,1995 8 WLU TODAY EXTRA FEATURE The Ten Best Places to Have Sex on Campus BRICKER AVENUE U N I V E R S IT Y AVENUE 1. Students' Union Elevator 6- Projector room in IEI 2. Multimedia centre at 232 King 7. Typing room in Library 3. Top level expansion project 8- Conveyor belt in Dining Hall 4. WLUSP President's couch 9. Squash court in A/C 5. Aird Building music practice room 10. Kitchen in Paul Martin Centre WLU Exam Specials HE| I from Domino's Qfl r Studying Alone! with a Friend!™! Illicit RETURN One small 3 topping jj One medium pizza, 3 [ 2 of I pizza and an 8 piece u toppings, cans I I order of delicious II Coke® and an order of I 1 Twisty Bread® 11 delicious Twisty Bread® ! i $8.? s $ii.?» : I l II II II I M:; iPlease mention coupon when j| Pleasementioncouponwhen | • j-SSji:.;... • ordering.Notvalidwithonyother n ordering. Notvalid with ony other a •... " ■ . coupon or offer. Limited delivery coupon or offer. Limited delivery . : v .. . Jarea.Driverscarrylessthan area.Driverscarrylessthan I|||§|| §||||§;§|i| '. '•., .4 , ' ■ $20 00. Valid from Apr4-Apr24/95 !! $20.00. Valid from Apr4-Apr24/95 ! ' r —======_—======I " lill j" G~roup Study! "1 ;■ ZiM 3 topping [ One large ' ! P iz za 4 ca " s ■ . A I Coke® and an°i8 piece I Willi I orderofdelicious I lill' ! 7. Joel Lynn MELANIE SEAL CORD Features As the chair for YVLUSU Board of Directors, it is Joel Lynn's job to sec that Board members understand the President's point of view, while also "sitting the fence" and ensuring that all meetings run smoothly. Lynn keeps the peace and mediates the often hostile debates that occur within the BOD. "The personalities are so extreme some times it's hard to come to an agreement," Lynn states. About his current position with YVLUSU, Joel said, "It's frightening having a collection of seventeen different personalities." Lynn referred to his occupation as a roller coaster ride, with its ups and downs, and occasional 8 .Mary Hughes 6. Brigitte Ernewein screams. "It's a hell of a job," Lynn said, since "the roller coaster has to stay on track." DAVID POPOVICH DAVID POPOVICH When asked what it was like to be head- Cord Features Cord Features ing a group surrounded with controversy Where do you go when you've got trouble. Who can you turn and civil battles, Lynn said, "often times I to when you need a shoulder to cry on? If you're ever lost at Ixiurier don't even think of looking for that wanted bullet proof Plexiglas in front of my Well, it seems many students are headed to the Student Information Booth. Just wander into the Wilfrid I,aurier Bookstore office and the WLUSU secretary." Union offices. r lTiere floating on an island of desks you can where Brigitte Frnewein (the nice blonde haired lady) will be more Next year, Lynn will be moving to a posi- find the Dali of the Student Union, secretary Mary than happy to point you in the right direction. No, she's not a tour tion with a much comfier chair in its office Hughes. Mary, if you've never met her, is an edifice ofknowl- guide, but she is one special person. She Ls one of the fantastic team than a fence. Lynn looks forward to his new edge who Is both guide and friend to laurier students. who supplies students with the literature that they just can't put position as WLUSU's VP of finance. Lynn Recently, Mary was presented with an award for her ser- down. states that his new job "is not political - it's vice to WIAJ. She is credited as being the longest acting After three years in the Registration office and four years as a more relaxing. 1 count pennies." Wilfrid 1miner staff member working in a number of posi- concourse shopkeeper, every student has probably had the pleasure tions throughout the community. of meeting Ms. Krnewoin at one time or another. She believes that Mrs. 1 lughes has had many strange and delightful experi- her position emphasizes that four letter word we all need the most; ences with students throughout the years. She says she really HELP! Of course she encounters the goofy customers who need enjoys working within the 1 aurier atmosphere. It seems that assistance to a more professional extent. 1 lowever, that's all pail of students appreciate her just as much. the job when you work in one of the busiest centres on campus. As to Shawn Callan's reference to all the fine Bookstore staffin a previous edition of 1 lard Cord, Brigitte said "it may not have been politically correct, but we loved it." ( Shawn Juan, always the charmer! ) So, if you've lost the campus map and it's getting dark the people in your neighbourhood... justlook for the WLU Bookstore sign, and they'll load you home. 9 & 10. Matt & Amy Turek PETE ROBINSON Cord Features Collectively two members of the Turek family may go a long way to determine how suc- cessful the Ixiurier Hockey programs will be in the future. Matt and Amy Turek burst onto the Laurier athletics scene this year, and in doing so 101 l an impression that is not soon to be forgotten. Amy led the Women's hockey team, in their inaugural season, to an outstanding third place finish at the OYVIAA championships this March. I ler exploits didn't (Mid there; herregular season total of 35 points tied her for the regular season scoring championship. Matt came to Ixiurier after spending the last season and a halfrecovering from a knee problem and gelling his marks up to liiurier's tough admission standards. After spending almost three seasons in the 01IL with the Sudbury Wolves and the Guelph Storm. This season with Ixiurier, he averaged almost a point a game and had a knack for scoring the timely goal. He stands to inherit a much bigger role next season as his team will be depleted due to several teammates graduating. Amy is a first year student in the Phys-Hd program and Matt Ls a first year Ails Major. Both Caislor Centre natives are undecided about their plans for the "real world," but if their accomplishments in hockey are any indication, you get the feeling that this brother- sister pair will have no trouble hitting pay diit. m admission all night card Teacher Training in I# with your student AUSTRALIA 1995 Tuition Fee: Information Session $8,000 A University of Waterloo ($9,000 Cdn.) Needles Hall Rm. 1020 Fri. March 31 9am-llam Prof. Robert Meyenn of • Bring transcripts with you for immediate Charles Sturt University assessment of your application hffoir°irm^onSessfon ' Feb ' "J"'l" intake dates are available for or Secondary * Select your own practice teaching location freew Primary SATURDAY APRIL FIRST Certification. (anywhere in Australia or nearby islands) 12 5 0 FU E L AL L NIG H T For more information please contact: Ifully licensed and FREE BEFORE 9 ISRS, 3 Polo Ct. Ancaster,ONT L9K IHB Te1:(905)648-7130 Imarsland^^ theCord March 30, 1995 9 'Netiquette 101 Ok, cybergrads, as some of you may know I' HI IGcIVinCJ academia to start my own software I I company andi jjO^Q 0 i iJm I VOU iog onto that great {(& I # big virtual world I V I ' 'a c H' ■ out theren I just Udnt to Say IH y you've been COOI CIdSS and --- ft DEALER YOU CAM BELIEVE IN. rjailJ DodgeI"""!Trucks Doty l2 T'ucliS INTERNATIONAL What business do we have in Chiapas anyway? JOHN REILLY of the four days at York University currently being lulled into a false ries the country's elite. This is our backyard! Cord International Opinion When approached by the Latin sense of hope that talks are taking What docs this have to do with The long and the short of it is, On Wednesday February 22, 1995, American group about their facili- place to bring peace to Mexico. The Wilfrid 1 aurier University? Dr. Peter thanks to a variety of student clubs, the United Nations called together tating a process of informing the search for the terrible Fglin, the Chair of our Department including Amnesty International, students from around the world to 470 delegates in attendance about "Commandant Marcos" is actually a of Sociology and Anthropology, tells World University Services (WUSC), engage in a massive strategic plan- political oppression in Chiapas, breach of an amnesty signed by the us that "the Laurier School of and the MSW Students' Association, ning exercise. Seems the U.N. want- Mexico, the Conference organizers Mexican government with the Business, [through a] partnership the tour will be on campus on ed to convince itself that there was a took a protective stance, and Zapatista Army during a peace between the Laurier Trade Tuesday, April 4 1995 at 5:30 p.m. place for a "youthful voice" in its refused them centre stage. negotiation on February 24, 1994. Development Centre, UNITRON in room 1001 of the new Science operations and programs. 1 attend- Good tiling, because the organiz- As well, an all-out assault on the vil- Industries Ltd. of Kitchener, and 26 building on the corner of Bricker ed (lie Conference on behalf of our ers had not thought to provide lagers and farmers of Chiapas by other Canadian organizations,... [is and King. illustrious institution. Spanish translation, despite the fact the Mexican army is currently taking] advantage of NAFTA to pro- For more information, call John A litany of overwhelming infor- it is one of the seven official lan- underway. vide publicly subsidized market Reilly at 746-8188, or Mike mation regarding imminent global guages of the U.N. We found a way Why this aggressive action? research for local businesses to find Urminsky at 886-7886. The climatic catastrophe, the prolifera- to share information, despite their Contrary to the contemporary markets and private profit in Chiapan guests will also be involved tion of nuclear weapons, poverty, lack of support. What emerged was Mexican media's claims, the action Mexico, a 'high-repression, low- in other activities while in the KW unemployment and the exploitation a frightening video display of armed of the Zapatista Army Ls not a sud- wage area'. . ." (The Laurier News, area. Call the Global Community of women and children was deliv- attacks by the Mexican military den, revolutionary uprising, incited March 14,1995, p. 12). Centre at 746-4090 and ask Nancy ered by a variety of elder statesper- against rural peasants, mostly by a group of terrorists from outside What can we do? There is a Reyes or Marco Perez for further sons. Mayan Indians, in the southern state of the country. ' grassroots organization called the details. If it had not been for a connec- ofChiapas. The Organicion Proletaria Mexican Solidarity Network operat- In his article, with respect to our tion I made with a group of Ixitin Most of the footage was shot dur- Emiliano Zapata (OPEZ) is a group ing out of Waterloo's own Global University's questionable undertak- American students and representa- ing the first of what could become a indigenous to Mexico, and has been Community Centre, and they are ings in countries like Mexico, Dr. tives of non-governmental organiza- series of "NAITA wars" instigated actively, and peacefully, lobbying hosting a Canadian tour of two peo- Eglin stated "Nobody stirs on cam- tions (NGOs), my sense of hopeless- by Mexican Armed Forces attacks against the signing of the NAFTA for ple from Chiapas: Citlali Ramirez pas." ness might have driven me into a on the Zapatista Army, a group that the past four years. Tapia speaking on the role of On the contrary, and with all due concrete barricade on my way started its armed resistance against The Zapatista Army's bold resis- women in the struggle in Chiapas, respect to Dr. Eglin, things were stir- home on the 401. The source of my this exploitative; trade agreement on tance came only after government and Efrain Valdemar Valdez, a ring the moment he was probably salvation? rllie course of action that January 1, 1994. The report and corporate officials failed to listen Tzotzil Maya Indian on the political writing those words. my meeting launched me upon demonstrates how the Zapatistas to the masses of people who stood to commission of OPEZ. We hope to see him, our faculty arriving back in Waterloo. simply took up armed positions lose what little they had left in terms At a recent tour organizational and students, and particularly rep- The U.N. had it in their minds throughout the state of Chiapas to of land or livelihood. meeting, we were informed that the resentatives of the School of that the agenda they had laid out protect their land and people. OPEZ has the support of hun- Mexican military were burning out Business on April 4th. Come out and included all the information we Our hosts wanted us to know dreds of thousands of people in whole villages, that people had fled find out what "business" we have in would need to hear over the course that Canadians and Americans arc cities like Mexico City, and this wor- to the hills. Time is of the essence. Chiapas. Russia and US blast into space together LILIAN SCHAER discovered. of the body. lophane bag containing $10, $20, and $50 Cord International ...The West Virginia Penitentiary, declared ...Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss was bills was emptied into the street, and police ...Maurizio Gucci, member of one of Italy's unconstitutional because denied a new trial by a have no leads as to who could have done it. premier fashion families, was killed in down- of its bad conditions, has California judge Monday The money has not been reported missing, town Milan on his way to work Monday The finally been shut down. despite the discovery that and only one person turned any of the found grandson of the founder of the Gucci dynasty The last 34 prisoners there had been jury mis- money over to police. was shot to death by a gunman described housed in the Civil War- conduct in her trial. Fleiss ...A Russian rocket was launched into "elegantly dressed," as he was entering the era structure were will be sentenced May 12. space last week carrying not only two Russian building where he worked. Gucci was 46, and removed Monday. ...It's never too late for cosmonauts but also, for the first time, a US the last member of his family to hold shares in Inmates had long com- love. A 102-year old astronaut. Both countries arc committed to a the Gucci company. plained of rats, insects, Englishman recently joint space program that is to culminate in the ...More secrets are being released about raw sewage and extreme married a 53-year old TV building of an international space station in Aum Shinri Kyo, the Japanese sect allegedly hot and cold in their small reporter in Great Britain. 1997. responsible for last week's nerve gas attack in cells. World News Round Up The couple fell in love ...Travelling to Spain? Thanks to the Turbot the Tokyo subways. The group's most holy ...Testing on a vaccine while the bride was inter- War between Canada and Spain, Canadian building contains hidden passageways to for prostate cancer will begin in the United viewing her new husband for a documentary travellers now need to apply for a special visa secret labs and storerooms containing chemi- States next month. The new treatment would detailing his heroism in World War One. to visit the country. The restriction was cals needed to make the nerve gas. be administered alter the removal of the can- ...A bag full of cash dropped from the sky to announced two weeks ago, but the start-up Underground rooms and containers believed cerous prostate to kill off any remaining can- create a money-grabbing frenzy in a date wasn't decided until Spain's latest conflict to be used for confining people have also been cer cells that may have spread to other pails Charleston, West Virginia, suburb. A clear eel- with Canadian authorities this week. 1 P / 1 .- ** LONDON $259 5429 n+JEJJ 112 J ... .. ggjpgf PARIS $249 $449 gjhTjT!j ' aBHMHRIHM « AMSTERDAM $349 $499 J II ii 1 FRANKFORT $369 $569 ROME $419 $649 „ I . Conditions apply. ATHENS $479 $859 Prices do not include theCord March 30, 1995 13 SPORTS Leafs Talk: The crystal ball edition JASON PAUL AND Modano is producing but where is they lost in the ofT-season still have President's Trophy: Quebec flanking Messier on the wing in Now ROB MCGOWAN the supporting cast? Any team that not been replaced. Washington has Nordiques. Stanley Cup York ... I low long is Chicago going to put with CORD SPORTS has Andy Moog as their number one really picked it up a notch in the last (Jay's say): Quebec wins a tough up Bclfour's antics? Maybe to L.A. will want another The Cord's closing clown and so is goalie is going nowhere fast. Dark ten games but this team just has no battle over Calgary in game seven goalie ... leaf's Talk. To satisfy all you regular horse: Chicago. New arena, two offense. 'ITie Sabres always seem to bring the Cup back to Canada. Conn Could Andrew Cassels be in Toronto readers here's a look ahead at the solid lines, good goaltending and be in the heart of things but the Smythe: Wendel Clark pulls it before the trade deadline? rest of the season; a few predictions, steady defence. Too good to be true? curse of Buffalo will continue. together for the performance of his Cherry's Blue is on the trading block and some rumours heard through Get your golf clubs ready: No playoff Dark horse: Boston. This team life. for OJ.'s dog Kato ...Potvin trade the grapevine. LHT'S GO! run for San .Jose this year (Thank has made the playoffs for the last (Mc's picks): Chicago finally wins update: The Cat and "No Skill" Gill ISSUE I: PLAYOFFS: WEST, hirst God). Hdmonton tried hard but this three decades and the Big Three the Cup taking the streaking Pens in to Long Use for Turgeon and of all, take this to the bank - the team is also going nowhere: Too don't have much time left. Maybe six. Conn Smythe: JR (who else?). I indros... Leafs will make the playoffs and young and no cash. The Ducks and Bourque can work some Bobby On- ISSUE 4: RUMOUR MILL. The Question Marks: Aren't the meet St. Louis in the first round. Jets. Who really cares? magic. Kevin Stevens sweepstakes should Gardens ushers the best Ixaf fans in Unfortunately, we can't guarantee a ISSUE 2:PLAYOFFS: EAST. It's Get your golf clubs ready: sec him wind up in Calgary for the world? Will Pat Verbeek really win. wide open. The two favourites have Hartford has the same disease as Chaisson and some grit ... Steve make any difference in the Big A rejuvenated Gretzky leads the got to be the Pens and Nords. But the Oilers. They trade their good Thomas will find a new home in Apple? I low many Canadian teams Kings into the playoffs and a first how can you count out the Flyers? players for tomato cans and also- time for the playoffs. But what suck- will there still be in 1999? Isn't the round upset of the Red Wings. Grant The Nords finally have all the rans. Florida and Tampa have the er is going to pay a six-goal scorer Blues-Red Wings ticket swap the - Fuhr takes the, reigns and looks like pieces to make a good run at it best tans in the league. The $2 mil? ... li>ok for massive changes ripolf of the year? Tough luck MI). Is the money goalie of old. Detroit youth, talent, grit and leadership. Islanders have run their franchise in Edmonton (again). Corson, Gord Miller not the worst commen- blows it again and rumours begin to The Pens have the first two but are into the ground (again) and Ottawa Marchment and Buchberger should tator of all time? Brutal. Cliff says swirl about Scotty Bowman (the a bunch of wimps and cheap-shot is just brutal. Montreal? C'est fini. bring Sather lots of prospects and there are seven guys on the team most overrated coach in the, league) artists. The post-trade Flyers have Anglophones have started a conspir- Pocklington lots of cash ... Once who will be around for the long being fired. been flying high but once the legion acy to keep them out of the second Detroit gets bounced again Bowman haul. Who are they? Is it possible to Vancouver pulls it together after ofDoom bums out and until they get season. will realize there's too much up go without Leafs Talk for several Don Gierry and Pat Quinn come to good goaltending they are just one ISSUE 3: THE HARDWARE. I lart: front. Could Stevie Yzerman wind months? fisticuffs. The Rocket regains his of the pack. Fric Lindros. Art Ross: Joe Sakic. up in Montreal next year for Captain Pro Tip of the Summer: To all you superstar form, leading them into The Rangers and Devils have Norris: Ray Bourque. Jack Adams: Kirk? ... How would Brendan young kids out there: work hard, the playoffs. been on vacation all year. They have Marc Crawford. Lady Byng: Who Shanahan look in a Leaf jersey? stay in shape and be ready for camp Where has Dallas been all year? what it takes to win but the players cares? Selke: Fsa Tikkanen. Slim chance but he would look good in September. Welcome back, Mikes SCOTT CULLEN recent comebacks. Boxing, and the not bo too long before the world of lem. Jordan shocked the world by formancc, so when they inevitably Cord Sports heavyweight division specifically, boxing Ls saved by his return to the retiring while still in his prime, so fall short of those levels the fans The comeback is making its own has a chance to regain some legiti- ring. fans arc anxious to see him return deem the comeback as a failure. comeback of sorts in the world of macy. Mike Tyson has potential The grand-daddy of all come- to the court with his unmatched These latest two comeback sports. In the past, athletes were opponents lining up. Riddick Bowe, backs though, is the other Mike. His skills. All reports suggest that it is attempts have added pressure on scoffed at by critics when they tried I wander Holyfield, and Buster (my Airness is not at full speed, yet, but only a matter of time before Jordan them. Not only must Tyson and to relive their glory days and scam a how you've grown) Douglas have all he has already shown flashes of his regains his outside shot and returns Jordan return to their previous quick paycheque in the process, it expressed their desire to exchange prc-sabbatieal brilliance. The return to his place as an elite player in the dominance, but they are required to has been all too tragic to see a for- blows with the former champion. of Jordan has instantly made the NBA. act as saviours for their particular mer star looking mediocre, or even Fven current champion George Chicago Bulls playoff contenders. In most cases, comebacks are sports. worse- Foreman (incidentally, the king of While they may not be favourites, not good for the world of sports. The It appears, though, that if anyone Muhammad Ali was one of the the comeback) is willing to give Iron they would be as dangerous an fans, who like to root for the under- can recapture interest in their best heavyweight champions of all Mike a shot. There Ls no coincidence underdog as there has ever been in dog, usually end up disappointed respective sports it would have to be time. In fact, he made it clear to that all these fighters want to fight the NBA. Not only will the Bulls ben- with the results. Star athletes get Tyson and Jordan. Finally, some anyone within shouting distance Tyson. Quite simply, he is the biggest efit from the return of the scoring judged based on their previous per- comebacks worth waiting for. that he was "the greatest, of all drawing card in boxing, so any fight machine, but the league as a whole time!" Unfortunately, Ali did not with him will result in a huge pay- again has someone who can carry know when to quit the light game. day. Tyson is still young and, appar- the crown of superstar without I le made several attempts to regain ently, in excellent shape, so it should being viewed as an attitude prob- his former ring glory, but by the time Canucks haul he finally reached the end of the line he had become a boxing caricature. Those who had not seen his prowess against the likes of Frazier, Lis ton, and George l ; oreman now in Stimpy Cup saw a Spats only battered old man who The Cert was suffering long-term damage as STEVE GROENEVELD AND od first place Ottawa Senators. a result of his inability to accept ANTHONY PASTO Ottawa was full of the big name retirement. Cord Sports players (Newell, Jones, McMahon) Kent Nilsson recently aborted his NHUW Congratulations to the TAMIAK who had a hell of an early playoff, comeback attempt with the That's all, folks. With the Cord Hockey League Stjmpv Cup but just could not lose that choking Kdmonton Oilers. "The Magic Man," clos ing down for th e seas on, so Champion Vancouver (Canucks. feeling. Overconfidencc may also who Ls 38 years old and has been must the Front Row NHL Pool. Vancouver defeated Ottawa 7 - 4 have figured in to the finalpuzzle as playing in Furope for six years, last- in the 2 game playoff finale. the highly touted Senators may to ed only a few months before he fol- Thanks ever yon e who entere d. I Vancouver has not won the cup have felt they had Stimpy lintily in lowed his body's advice and Without further aidieu... since the Tin. original 2 made up their grasp, out of reach of the returned to his scouting position Ist place: Wendy Wallace 3 58pts. the league. Only the oldest of fans Canucks. with the Oilers. Thankfully, Nilsson can remember the out attack of 2nd place; heydays of Joe But the flat did not drag out the process of call- Adrian Osborne 357 pts. "Slow Poke" l>oak and Louis "The Vancouver was too strong. The ing it quits, but it was still unfortu- 3rd place: Anton Yolcansek 354 pts. Hamburger" Hubble. offense was generated again mostly nate to see him reduced to fourth- This year's championship ends by Westlake and Fudge, although the line status after a career in which he A hearty congratulations to the 37 year cup drought for the unsung hero Adam Bourgeyled earned a reputation as one of the Canucks, who had finally built the way with 4 points. If the anal! mar- MlL's most creative and dazzling the winners. winning team needed, through ket Canucks can financially afford puckhandlors. Prizes can be picked up in the Cord excellent scouting and professional to keep their offensive leaders, However, not all comebacks are Offices next week. management. Vancouver finished along with goaltender Marc so atrocious. Undoubtedly, the world third this season and were the F)erouchers...well, the word dynasty of sports will benefit from some underdogs against the highly talent- comes tomind. 14 March 30, 1995 theCord —(Sports) Hogs or Heels? Arkansas and North Carolina are the best match ofthis year'sFinal Four SCOTT CULLEN shooting guard. Veteran coach Fddie Sutton to Kentucky. The Heels, though, have super and called a timeout, that the Orange did not Cord Sports will have to pull off a miracle for the 'Boys to sophomores Rasheed Wallace and Jerry have, with four seconds left which allowed r lTie road to the Final Four lias led to Seattle, win the title. Stackhouse, at center and small forward Arkansas to tie the game. The Razorbacks with teams coming from all over the country The UCIA Bruins entered the tournament respectively, and senior Donald Williams at continued their close shaves with an overtime to challenge for the NCAA basketball champi- as the number one team in the country. The shooting guard. Williams is a potent three- win against Memphis and a lofty seven-point onship. UCLA, Oklahoma State, Arkansas, and last-second dash of Tyus Fdney, against point weapon and he provides some experi- margin against Virginia. Corliss Williamson North Carolina have shown up in the rainy Missouri in the second round, kept the Bruins ence on the floor. North Carolina lias been in and Scotty Thurman have led the five return- city to prove their supremacy. alive with a one-point win, and the Bruins this position so many times, it is difficult to ing starters (center Dwight Stewart, and The Cowboys from Oklahoma State are the have cruised through the rest of the tourna- count them out. guards Clint McDaniel and Corey Beck an; the Cinderella story of the Final Four. As the ment. Coach Jim 1 larrick does not have a win- Finally, the defending champion Arkansas others) into the Final Four again. Say what fourth seed in .the Fast, they upset top seeds ning reputation, and the media keeps expect- Razorbacks have scraped through the tourna- you will about the unimpressive nature of the Wake Forest and Massachusetts to earn their ing him to choke in a big game. I lowever, the ment, but they are still alive. In the words of I logs' wins in this year's tourney, but the bot- place in Seattle. The Cowboys are not a very Bruins arc the only number one seed to reach head coach Nolan Richardson, "The fat lady tom line is they are winning. They do have a deep team, and rely heavily on the low post the Final Four, and should be playing Monday hasn't sung yet. but she sure is humming a tougher road to the final, having to play North work of "Big Country" Bryant Reeves, and the night. hell of a lot." Carolina, but the Razorbacks have shown the outside touch of Randy Rutherford to put Dean Smith is in the Final Four with North The Hogs have edged Texas Southern by benefits of experience in the tournament and points on the board. Reeves and Rutherford Carolina for the tenth time. It is safe to say that one, due to a missed Texas Southern free will ride their experience into the final had strong games to get OSU to the Final Four, he is not going to be surprised by anything throw with six seconds remaining. Then, they Monday night where they will defeat the but it appears that the Cowboys will fall that happens this weekend. The Tar I leols are clipped Syracuse in overtime after the ghost of UCLA Bruins to win back-to-back champi- despite the performance of their center and not very deep, and many expected them to fall Qiris Webber entered Lawrence Motcn's body onships. Welcome to the Letter ofthanks Last Wednesday night at the Athletic Team, my manager Karen Ryan, my assistant Cord Banquet, WLU Varsity Swim Coach Dean Lesley Buck, the training stalT and medical 1995-1996 Boles named staff was WLU Coach of the Yearfor stafF, Jamie Carlson, Julie Babey, Dr. Riddell, the second year in a row. Coach Boles offers and the WLU coaching staff: Sue Lindley, thefollowing letter ofthanks: Wayne Cowing, Wayne Mills, Gary Jeffries, members I would like to take this opportunity to Rick Zmich and all the assistants I have come share with the WLU community my personal to know. I would also like to acknowledge the thanks and appreciation to the people who endless support from Rich Newbrough and Your hired Cord stafffor the 1995/96 year will be: directly and indirectly supported me and the Cookie I/;ach, Agnes Pitsch for her guidance Production Manager Jemmy Ken- 1994-95 Varsity Swim team. in the office, Cord Sports for their coverage, Art Director Andrew White First, I would like to say that being hon- the maintenance guys who kept the water Associate News Editor Tom I Irufoes oured not only once but for the second time clear and cold, and the many students and Entertainment Editor Melanie Seal for the Glenn Carroll Coaching Award is faculty who have said "good meet coach, your Asst. Entertainment Editor Aaron I iunLer incredible and will be an important part of my team is looking good this year". Sports Editor IVier Robinson coaching career. To be honoured amongst the In closing, when I reflect on all of WLU Assistant Sports Editor i Jbbi Hood previous winners has real meaning., and Athletics' accomplishments this season and of features Editors Amanda Dowling when I look at the previous winners, 1 know seasons before, 1 realize 1 am very proud and David I'opovich that it wasn't a "one person show". It was a fortunate to be associated with the Golden or a (lopv Editor Amoena Ahsan "TEAM' , in someone else's words, I lawks. I look forward to next season. Production Assistants Megan Barnard "FAMILY" generated concept. David Keith 1 had a great deal of support from every- Yours in swimming, News Editor TliA one associated with Athletics and Recreation. 1 Dean Boles would quickly like to mention them: r lTie Swim Swim Coach Over the top at Wilt's The two gentleman pictured here were participants in last Saturday's arm wrestling contest atWilf's. Apparently there was a winner, and prizes were awarded. A good time was had by all. (LjU&IX KINZINGER PHILL 100 Regina St. S. 747-4263 PICTURE: Closed Sunday theCord March 30, 1995 15 ENTERTAINMENT CHUCK FAIRLEY AND up the rear. Hockey Night in Even more comedians here. The best song ever was: • LEONARD NIMOY Canada, Beavis and Butthead, Marissa Tomei and Jodi Foster "The Hokey Pokey" - Unknown Cord Entertainment Fashion Television, Star Trek, and were number one and two, but nei- • "Jesus Christ Pose" Well, the scores have been tabulat- Discovery and Learning Channel ther had a significant share of the Soundgarden • ed, and I am pleased to bring you programming were also notable voting. Sharon Stone, Lisa Simpson, "Don't Worry, Be Happy" - the results of the second annual candidates. Rosie Perez, Nicole Kidman, Bobby McForrin • READER'S POLL - Cord Lntertainment Readers' Poll. What is the cheesiest TV show Smurfettc, Crace Kelly, and porn "I low Soon Ls Now" 'Hie Smiths • There were a lot of entries this year, of all time? star Traci Lords were all men- "1 Love You, You Love Me" - and a lot of surprising responses. Again a landslide, with Full House tioned. Barney • Without further ado, I will let the taking the honours. Dukes of What is the greatest band of all "Staying Alive" - Bee Gees • statistics speak for themselves... Hazzard, Power Rangers, time? "Rock Me Amadeus" - Falco What kind of music do you like? Greatest American Hero, 90210, The Beades took this category, with • "Let It Be" - The Beatles The big winner here was alterna- Saved by the Bell, Knight Rider, Led Zeppelin sccond. It seems that The personality I would most tive, with 42% of the popular vote, and Australian Soap Operas were all of you got more creative as the like to see dead is: followed by classic rock with 30%. also mentioned. poll continued, and here arc some • Bob Saget Dance was a distant third with 14%, What is the greatest anticipated of your favourites: Nine Inch Nails, • Tori Spelling and country and flamenco both tal- TV moment of all time? Dexy's Midnight Runners, • Courtney Jxive lied 5%. An astonishing 37% of you want to Tragically Hip, GWAR, Grateful • The Roadrunner Who is your favourite Laurier- see Charlie Brown get the little red- Dead, Survivor. • Bush Limbaugh based performer? haired girl, kick the football, and Who is the sexiest man alive? • The Tanner Twins (botli sets) Solo guitar man Matt Osborne ran beat Lucy senseless. Nothing else Ah, the most contested question of • O.J. Simpson away with this category. Second came close, but a lot of you had the poll. Neck and neck for this • Sin bad was my own band, Atona (thanks your own ideas: year's honour were List year's win- What band would you like to everybody), narrowly beating out • Dick Van Patten takes over the ner Greg Sloan and WLU studpuppy see play at Laurier? the recently-renamed Flaming Thighmaster ads Stu Knight. Brad Pitt was but a Attention, BSA: O'Haras. Surfin' Irv was also a • The Lnergizer bunny dies shadow of these men, almost tying • The Tragically I lip crowd pleaser. • Mr. Rogers gets busted for sell- Nimoy. Other answers and • The Ramones What is your favourite local bar? ing crack in the neighbourhood alternative lifestyles: Tommy Lee • Ixiverbov There was a tie in this category, • 9021 o's Steve hops on Donna Jones, George Wendt, Pierre • U2 with Will's and Phil's both gaining What is your favourite movie of Trudeau, Beavis, Tom Cruise, • Jimmy Buffet 26% of your support. The Turret all time? 1 lomer Simpson, Dean Nichols, Pec- • Nine Inch Nails and Loose Change Louie's were a This question was a throwaway, wee Herman, WLU finance prof • ITie Beastio Boys distant second and third, with hon- since nearly eveiy entry had a dif- Jack Schnabel (someone looking for • Snow ourable mention going to Club ferent response, everything from brownie points), and a weak show- • Meatloaf Abstract and the Pink Zone. The Sound of Music to Pulp ing from Darren Mahafiy (nice try). Thanks to all of you who entered What kind of TV programming Fiction. The only standout, with Who is the sexiest woman alive? this year - the numbers are almost do you enjoy? merely 5% of the popular vote, was Almost as strongly contested as the worn off my calculator. Here are Sitcoms took this category by a Empire Strikes Back. men's category, and infinitely more the winners of the draw: landslide (don't any of you have an Who is your favourite film perverse, Greg Sloan topped this Grab bag of miscellaneous CDs or attention span of more than 30 min- actor? category by a strong margin, beat- cassettes: Stewart Wong utes?), followed by spoils. Test pat- Again a broad range of answers. ing out bids by File MacPherson An official 1995 Juno Awards t- terns, the Real Lstate channel, and I larrison Ford came away the victor and Bea Arthur. Honourable men- shirt: Dawn Ixisby infomercials also fared very well with Sean Connery second. Other tion must also go to Darren Free Cord classifieds for a semester: here. notable submissions: Jack M ahally. Others: Sherilyn Fenn, Ying Lee What is your favourite TV show? Nicholson, John Wayne Bobbit, Lorna Marsden, Claudia SchifTer, I lonourary submission to the Bag 0' The Simpsons seems to be the Tommy Lee Jones, Cheech Marin, Smurfette, Ingrid Nielsen, the moth- Crime: Jason Paul Laurier favourite by far. Friends Arnold Schwarzenegger. er from What's Eating Gilbert Your face/body appearing in a joke garnered the next most votes, with Who is your favourite film Grape?, the Bookstore Phyllis advertisement: Rahul Raj X-Files and Melrose Place bringing actress? Dillcr, and Andrew's CPIO2 prof. Hidden gems: movies you missed JASON PAUL story is a mix of the racial tension and bigotiy great dialogue, plenty of suspense and Grace surprise. Cord Entertainment in Mississippi, and great action and suspense. Kelly. One of the great movies of all time. Coma (1978). Michael Crichton directed As the semester comes to an end and summer Poitier is just a great actor but stay away from North by Northwest (1959). Cary Grant is this medical thriller before he hit it big with begins, we're all going to have a little free time the sequel. in top form in this cross-country adventure. Jurassic Park and ER. Gencviere Bujold stars on our hands. It's time to watch a few flicks, Twelve Angry Men (1957). Henry Fonda Grant gets mixed up in some trouble, happens as a doctor who is trying to uncover a conspir- but what to rent? For those of you who have stars in this courtroom drama as the only to find a nice looking lady, and gets chased up acy behind a series of unusual deaths. A seen the Star Wars trilogy a hundred times, juror who believes the defendant is innocent, Mt. Rushmore. You can't go wrong with young Michael Douglas plays her boyfriend, here's a few selections you probably haven't and proceeds to persuade the others why. Hitchcock. who feels she is going crazy. Its one of those seen yet and should. If you loved the What initially appears to be slow moving Red Rock West (1993). John Dahl is getting movies that you don't expcct much from but I-lintstones or Cabin Boy, you may as well stop quickly becomes a suspenseful and intense a lot of exposure for The Last Seduction but become completely entranced with. reading, ITiis Ls for true movie lovers. drama. this is by far the better movie. Nicholas Cage Also highly recommended are: Mr. Smith In the Heat of the Night (1967). This Rear Window (1954). This Hitchcock plays a drifter who gets mistaken for a hit- Goes to Washington(l939), The Vanishing Academy Award winner stars Sidney Poiticr thriller has James Stewart cooped up in an man, and before he knows it everyone is try- (1988), Serpico (1973), iTie Party (1968), A as a black cop who is teamed up with Rod apartment and spying on his neighbours, only ing to kill him. There are so many twists and Bronx Tale (1994), The Towering Inferno Steiger in the South to solve a murder. 'ITiis to realize one might be a killer. It has it all - turns, that to see Dennis I lopper appear is no (1974) and Night OfThe Living Dead (1968). Perversity revisited DAN PINEAU falling in love, but their relationship ITie play is structured as a scries Notes in the program, this theme is Tricia O'Donnell, Justin Webster and Cord Entertainment falls apart, in no small part due to of blackout scenes; a brief vignette is rather subjective: 'The moral of the Pragna Desai, who must have been On Saturday March 25, Laurier's the destructive, negative influences followed by a few seconds of dark- story remains for the audience to well inspired by their "Ex-Lovers" Drama Club staged David Mamet's of their respective friends, Bernie ness, then another vignette, and so decide." (whom they thanked in the program 1974 play "Sexual Perversity in and Jean. Bernie is particularly on. The characters switch rapidly The Turret as a venue worked "for motivation"), gave excellent Chicago" at the Turret before an aggressive and foul-mouthed about with the scenes, and therefore pre- surprisingly well. The acoustics performances. They successfully audience of 120. his views, tossing off such cynical sent the audience with a slightly were simply adequate, and the balanced their dramatic style with " [Danl'll The play deals with the lives of winners as do the right superficial view of themselves. We dance floor isn't slanted up, so the demands of the text they were four young people in the Windy City, thing by the broad ... and drop her were rarely permitted a glimpse unless you sit in the front row, working with, this being particularly although one of the implications of like a fucking hot potato," "the way beneath the veneer of stereotypes you're probably going to have a evident in the bits of comic relief, the play is that similar circum- to get laid is to treat [women] like they were operating under, although head blocking some part of the and the result was a certain empa- stances could arise anywhere. It shit," and regarding the ERA, "We these were very telling. Yet the stage, but the atmosphere was thy with the audience that earned deals with their struggles to learn got baby seals dying in Alaska and theme of the play is not the develop- pleasant and relaxed, and suited the the actors a good round of applause more about the opposite sex, rela- we're writing amendments for ment of characters, but rather the stripped-down, minimal production at the play's conclusion. tionships, and themselves. Dan and broads? I mean, I'm a big fan of interaction between them, and as well. Two months of rehearsal paid Congratulations to all involved on a Deborah meet in a bar and end up society ... but this bites the big one." Brent Vallee writes in his Director's off as the players, Darryl Pring, job well done. 16 March 30, 1995 theCord (Entertainment) Dear few weeks, you have to ask yourself ifyou myself wandering in my thoughts as to Dynamic are in lust for this girl, or rather love her. what groceries I need and what I should Duo, If the ugly "emotional monster" has make for supper. Mow can I bring my I've been see- reared his head, then you should stay mind back into what my body is doing? ing this girl for with her, regardless of her genitalia. Her Signed, a few weeks diversity brings you a greater challenge Concentrate now and in your sexual relationship. You are only ITS we've just surprised because you have found more Dear Concentrate, stalled talking in her pants than you expected. Simply The problem may or may not be you. If about sex. put, you may have bitten off more than you have trouble paying attention in We've fooled you could chew. class, you blame the prof. Why not blame around a lot, Dynamic Duo the instructor in this instance? Obviously ALL but it always he or she does not have what it takes to stops when I Dear Dyno Team, hold your attention to the task at hand. try to got into I've been seeing this girl, but her new But do you really want to know what her pants. fetish really strikes me as bizarre. When your body is doing rather than what it is Finally, we sat she is really frustrated, she starts carving feeling? Tarantino said it best in Pulp TRUE down and the male reproductive organ out of the Fiction, "Why is it the things that are the (WELL... MOST OF IT ANYWAYS) talked. At first things in of her. She started with most pleasing to the soul are the least front \ N she said she huge blocks of ice (the ice pick sent chills pleasing to the eye?" X was question- down my spine) and now she has moved Dynamic Duo k—We sel&c+ibh Dynamic ing her sexu- onto butter. Where will this end and besj ality, but then should I be worried? Dear Dynamic Duo, fcpei'an, 112 J cul-k she told me Signed, I have a problem. My boyfriend and I 4 J the truth. She Buffed and Baffled have a great sex life, with the exception of antme, and revealed that one thing. During orgasm, when I hard—+6—find v(de&s. she was a her- Dear Buffed and Baffled, squeeze his buttocks in ecstasy, huge / \ maphrodite There is something to be saidfor the sen- pussy pimples tend to explode and ooze and had never suality carving out a lump noth- between my fingers. This extra lubrica- C.6&1 of of of I ? I had corrective ingness a living thing. You should note tion does nothing for me. I low can 1 sug- +66. surgery. 1 was that obviously this girl is very good with gest Clcarasil without hurting his feel- maofi so shocked 1 her hands. We applaud her; her concen- ings? didn't say any- tration on sexuality shows that her mind Signed, by Tanya thing and 1 is in the right place. You should encour- Sticky Fingers just had to get age her; you should cover yourself in oPflTYlh out of the chocolate, and get her to carve out your Dear Sticky Fingers, Duo room. extremities. You could be the model Who cares about hurting his feelings — for However, her carvings. You could be the nineties look at what you have to remove from when I got home I rethought everything, rendition of Michelangelo's "David". underneath your nails! Ifyou really want and 1 now think there are great possibili- Consider also that you whack offfor to save hisfeelings, disguise the Clearasil [69REGinilST.ll.] [888®GEflX] ties, but I feel that I've alienated her by stress release, so give her creativity a in some sort oflove potion or massage oil. Conveniently hidden behind Ethel's lounge my first reaction. and WhatVentura Melanie Seal should I do? And break. Rubbing it into his bum will not only bring does this mean that I'm bisexual? Dynamic Duo him pleasure, it will keep your hands Signed, clean. Boy Meets Girl??? Dear DD, Dynamic Duo Dear Boy Meets Girl???, What's the best way to deal with a poor Since you've only been seeing her for a attention span during sex? Recently, I find Aural Stimulation EVERY WEOHESDA¥ GET DOWN interview. The line "I'm the would be nice to imagine that greatest thing ever born" Witter is being ironic, but appears in "Head and you'd still have to imagine. Shed Seven Hands," while "Casino Girl" The rest of the album is Change Giver ends with "The world decent but hardly remark- Polydor revolves around me/The able. world should stop for me." It - Stephen In Britain, Shed Seven INOWPLAYING! P arc regarded as the next ■ at the Princess *1 torchbearers of Manchester pop, a title which nearly guaran- tees commercial and ■ IItoNESDM critical in the YEAR^S°BESTV' success Time Magazine Village Voice UK. Elsewhere, howev- Film Comment er, it is often associated ti?Rs!?AY with music that is catchy i_^ but lacks substance, and unfortunately, the songs on "Change Giver" tend to fit this mold. Things start off well enough with "Dirty Soul" and "Speak Easy" The first is a nifty guitar-rock song, while the latter is a typical radio-friendly Mancpop single. Too * bad it takes them five more songs before they reach a comparable level of quality with "Dolphin" and "Stars in M Your Ryes." During the cover interim, lead no singer and lyricist Rick Witter spouts some of the most YET MiOTMEIR CHAiCE TO DAiCE egotistic words heard WATERLOO 888 7663 since, well...Oasis' last PRINCESS CINEMA PHIL'S GRANDSON'S PLACE 220 KING N theCord March 30, 1995 17 NEU STUDENTEN KUNST Protection The Squirrel: An Epic Poem Aye, he is the squirrel, Protect yourself from the sound . Cunning forest creature. Protect yourself from the pain Travelling the planet, Protect yourself from the heart Overground through trees, Protect yourself from the rain se ' . p\e» Volkswagen or 5 ' Nissan, Endure the realm of the insanity He travels; seeking nuts and knowledge. ... Conjure your dreams of love set^^ ®artentle His home base is, of course, in our temperate climate, yourself , Assure of that to me s a \Vc s;il on Ili c\li ;i 11 lv ohs c i vill <4 Ihe w;il c r. Tliill lv i 1114 (I if 112 c.r cll I thollt* li t s I ;i in sure, All d yc I w c sl;i1 c tl iit Ili c s;i 111 c w nice. XkM^LLH m INTUERI ATTHE iisaadn K@ki s#§togiß llpte*) % $)<,!><> ■HHBBBHHBHnnnaBBHH TURRET Chunks O' Chicken Fairview Chunks o' chicken flying in my kitchen; ACURA ml Precision Crafted Automotires Tf m A salute to the 1 994-1 995 God what a night, what a sight: student executive I hurled with all my might! PROTECT YOUR INVESTMENT o' chicken in the drain, Chunks Preferred SERVICE FOR ALL ACURA AUTOMOBILES Please don't make me chicken again! eat "Your car's home away from home" Izabef Waite qq 2 2685 Kingsway Drive O J O- 0000JVVJV) KITCHENER. Ont. JLocatedbehind Fairview 7 Mall. Ride to Liurier available. 18 March 30, 1995 theCord stove, room, I | f—| n \A/A MTFn 2 bedroom basement apartment, lYincess St. Avail. May Ist, one year lease. 2 fridges, and phone jacks in every new building, ■ ■ELf I CL/ E., 1 parking, May 1, flexible lease, $410.00 laundry facilities incl. Excellent location. 1 price negotiable. Jon, Steve, Ryan, Stephen: plus utilities, 748-5955. (519)-821-1113. 884-7956. Are you going to be in Waterloo from May to August? Join us! Moilys Pub is now hiring House For Rent 1 female roommate needed in 4 bedroom One bedroom available in 5 bedroom house part-time cooks for the summer. Experience is 5 bedrooms near the University and grocery house. May-April $265+utilities. Brighton St., 5 close to YVLU. Call Dave 653-5939 or Craig an asset, but not mandatory Apply in person store. Reasonably clean and private. Call 725- min. to YVLU. Phone 885-2874. 747-3925. at the comer ofKing and University. 4211. HOUSE FOR RENT Summer Sublet. Laundry facilities, central TEACHER TRAINING IN AUSTRALIA OR Summer Sublet Good house, 30 seconds to Laurier, features vac., really close to WLU. Call Dave 653-5939 GREAT BRITAIN FOR ONE YEAR. PRIMARY 1 bedroom in a two bedroom apartment, include central air conditioning, huge yard, gas or Craig 747-3925. AND SECONDARY QUALIFICATIONS THAT Located on Regina St. only 5 min from cam- BBQ, cable TV, VCR, fax machine, laundry ALLOW YOU TO YOU TO TEACH IN pus. Lease negotiable/utilities included. Call facilities and more. House has one three per- qb |ff>| ONTARIO. 884-6705 for more info. son apartment, one four person apartment. ■ CONTACT TIIE UNIVERSITIES' REPRESEN- Rent about $310 per person including utilities. _ n. TATTVES: PLACES TO RENT Call 888-0519 soon!! K.O.M. CONSULTANTS 27 Peppier St. 4 room house. (Jose to down- PO. BOX 60524 town, shopping, liquor/beer stores. May to May SUMMER SUBLET! MY TYPIST! We do your typing right! Essays! MOUNTAIN PIAZA POSTAL OUTLET lease. $300/room incl. utilities. Call Scott @ 1 bedroom, 5 min walk to WLU, free laundry. Term Papers! Resumes! Photocopying! Laser lIAMILTON ONTARIO 885-1652. cable and parking, cute 'lil house!! $150/mon + Printing! Free Spell Checking! More! Call 579- L9C 7N7 utilities. NEGOTIABLE, call Lee or Veronica @ 2219! LOW SUMMER RENT 884-1167. BE A COLLEGE PRO PAINTER THIS SUM- 6 Bedroom House for Rent Mastering the LSAT!- Why practice questions MER. Now hiring new and experienced 5 min walk from WLU, 72 Hickory St. SUMMER SUBLET when you can master the principles? Your best painters in Toronto area. Call 725-1421. Avail. May Ist, one year lease. 2 fridges, stove, 279 State-1 min from YVLU, 5 bedroom house and most comprehensive option for LSAT laundry facilities incl. Excellent location. 1 "very nice", BBQ and deck-Call 883-9273. training begins in Toronto in May, June, July, College Pro Painters- (519)-821 -1113. and August. Start anytime and take the option summer! There are summer Management opportunities 6 bedroom house for rent. 5 min walk from of working with us throughout the (416) available immediately in Goderich, Woodstock, SUMMER SUBLET YVLU. 72 Hickory St. Available May Ist., one Richardson- 410-7737 or 1-800-567- YVindsor and Stratford. We teach all business Close to WLU, 5 large bedrooms, 3 wash- year lease. 2 fridges, stove, laundry facilities 7737. and technical skills to those hired. You must rooms. Trevor A. 725-7591. included. Excellent location. Low summer act TODAY! Call today for more information on rent. 1(519) 821-1113. ADVANTAGE CAREER PATH RESUMES AND this position and to find out how to apply. House For Rent WORD PROCESSING SERVICES. Resumes, Average Manager earnings in 1994 were 5 bedrooms-close to all amenities, 5 min from Summer Sublet Cover letters, Mail-outs prepared by an experi- s9,soo. Phone (519) 451-8313. university, gas heated, washer/dryer, large dri- $120 inclusive/furnished, free laundry and enced Human Resources Consultant. Letter veway/backyard, 1 year lease starting May- parking. 5 min. walk. 746-0858. and typing service available. All work picked $260/ month call Joe 884-5277. up and delivered within 24 hours 745-6437. (Jean, neat, newly decorated, BBQ, porch and F STUDENT RESIDENCE. 413 HAZEL ST. SUM- big back yard! Close to universities. 4 rooms TYPEWRITING SERVICES AVAILABLE 10c MER SUBLETS. Furnished, laundry, parking, available (separately or together) $15(Vmonth PER WORD. CAI JETIIEI, AT 884-4216. on bus route. From $200.00 utilities included. + utilities. Call 886-6309. NCR 1200BAUD MODEM Phone 669-4646. Wilderness Tours University Raftfng $20 CALL 886-2327! Lovely, five bedroom house for 5 women avail- Weekend. STUDENT APARTMENTS, SEPT. IST, SELF- able May Ist. Parking, laundry, 2 baths etc. YVhere else can you raft, bungee jump, trail 1991 Nissan NX 1600, 5 speed, cruise, t-bar CONTAINED BACHELOR AND 1 BEDROOM, Close to both universities. $285 + utilities'pcr- ride, kayak, play beach volleyball, hot-tub, roof, anVfm cassette, new tires, excellent con- furnished, laundry, parking, utilities included, son. Summer negotiable. Call 885-2908. dance, feast, enjoy campfire entertainment dition, $7,499.00,571-9118. Phone 669-4646. and meet students from all over Ontario? Only 2 rooms available in a 5 bedroom house. Clean at Wilderness Tours! June 3& 4, 1995. Call 1- 3 bedrooms in newly renovated house. May and spacious. Laundry and parking available, 800-267-9166 and ask about our university 1/1995.1 yr. lease. 10 min walk to YVLU. Reasonable. Call Kerry weekend discount. -A $300/month. Princess at King. 885-1929. or Brenda. 885-5365. t F \ 1 NUMUS Concerts presents propellorheads. / & lj 11 House for Rent. 27 EZRA! 5 bedroom house for rent. Newly renovated, 2 HANNAN KUCHARZYK. Fri. March 31, 8 tech weird I J § I 6 bedrooms. May lease. entrances, 2 bathrooms, laundry, parking pm at Seagram Museum. High I II Call 747-1419. available. Comes with BBQ, deck, picnic table, classical music. $7 student rush tickets-Call I .[ - | ff May to May lease. Negotiable rent. Call George 576-6211. V [ Ji LOW SUMMER RENT 893-8057. 6 Bedroom I louse for Rent Word Processing Service. Reports, resumes, lj. w 5 min walk from WLU, 72 Hickory St. FEMALE ROOMMATE WANTED to fill large letters, mailing lists, form letters, etc. on recy- Avail. May Ist, one year lease. 2 fridges, stove, bedroom in 5 bedroom house. Parking, laun- cled paper. Laser printing, dictaphone, equa- V laundry facilities incl. Excellent location. 1- dry facilities, large kitchen and living room, tion editing, optical scanning available. Audrey (519)821-1113. large veranda. $270/month, 12 month lease 884-7123. CHEAP COMPUITR but we have found 4 subletters. Call 725-8879. Hewlett-Packard llp7oo terminal and key- Absolutely immaculate five bedroom century ANSELMA HOUSE RAFFLE-16 Prizes donat- board for sale! (like the ones in YVLU computer home. One block from OEP. $295/room. SUMMER SUBLET ed-Beautiful stained glass and artwork pieces, rooms) like new $300 negotiable, ("all Dave at Spacious. Parking. Available Sept. 1. Call 621- Located on High St., 10 min from WLU. 2 rickets are $2 each or 3 for $5. Call Jane at 744.8794 2638. rooms available in a spacious bungalow. 741-9184 for ticket information. All proceeds Central air conditioning, finished basement, to Anselma House Shelter for abused women Draw _ _ live the lap of luxury this summer for only and their children. May Ist. I „ WANTED: in PLACES | 2 roommates to fill 4 bedroom apartment. 2 $150/month (negotiable) plus utilities. Call _ or Shellie at 725-4154. ___ minute walk from YVLU. Parking and laundry Sara RFNT included. Call Amy @725-2267. 12 month lease-Sept'9s to Sept 96. SUMMER SUBLET. CLOSER THAN REZ 14.3 second walk!! 205 Albert St. —- 5 bedroom house available Sept. '95. Lots of 3 bedroom house for rent, reasonable rate, (Albert/University), laundry facilities. parking, uptown Waterloo area. $1295/month. large yard, laundry, parking, close to universi- Furnished living room with TV, lots of parking. +Negotiable if needed. 888-7377. ty. Call James 747-0683 or at work 884-9000. Rent negotiable. Call Lee @ 886-5774. HOTEL LOW SUMMER RENT Summer Sublet: I A IT ¥ IZj 1 ~D 6 Bedroom House for Rent 256 lester (Apt. 2), 5 min walk, air condi- | |J ¥ ¥Zi ' ¥Y ¥V ' s I* 5 m jn from VVI.U, 72 I lickory St. tioned, laundry, large living room and kitchen, 2 min crawl from Loose Change, TV, Single-$19.95 I Waterloo WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS -p. , . <£ Q7 nn iJSWfP* opportunity to wish Doume-^/.uu ffISS May-August WkSBM TAXI - hope to see you Daily, weekly, youre monthly rates available. $86~1200w o™3Ul«e' ■BBUKSHH1 SUPPOSED to BE Call 884-1970 ext. 2771 mmammmmmm CH anywhereanytime . FOßPE ople OR parcels info. u ™ for more ' rpor SERVICE-FAST, courteous SERVICE a t , soc^/B^ Y UCK! theCord March 30, 1995 19 1 1 Premium beers at less than regular beer prices. W&aM£3 JT:ppaf 'Ji p% P| Heck, you'd think it Was invented |jy university students. The best-tasting beers at the most affordable prices. As much as that sounds like something dreamed up by a bunch of university students, it happens to be \ the guiding philosophy behind the creation of PC' M v Premium Draft. Think imported Saaz hops for a hint of European flavour. Think triple filtering for extra smoothness. Think premium beer at less than regular beer prices. Choose PC Premium Draft (5% alc./vol), / PC Strong (5.9% alc./vol) or PC Light (4% alc./vol). A great idea — no matter who thought of it. I PREMIUM BEER, PREMIUM VALUE. 1 1 N,Loblaws Inc. is the owner of P.C, script design. ©1995 Loblaws Inc. S