The Ethical Slut
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MORE PRAISE FOR THE ETHICAL SLUT “The Ethical Slut was the very book that freed my own sexuality, and also led me down the path of becoming a sex therapist. It’s rare to find a book with the capacity to both expand your sexual intelligence and also raise your sexual confidence. We need more brilliant authors like Hardy and Easton and this liberating book.” —CHRIS DONAGHUE, PhD, CST, author of Sex Outside the Lines and cohost of the Loveline podcast “As an ethical slut myself, I was overjoyed to devour this new updated sexually diverse and eye-opening pie. Sluts unite ethically!” —David Henry Sterry, best-selling author of Chicken: Self-portrait of a Young Man for Rent PRAISE FOR THE SECOND EDITION “The Ethical Slut is one of the most useful relationship books you could ever read, no matter what your lifestyle choices. It’s chock-full of great information about communication, jealousy, asking for what you want, and maintaining a relationship with integrity. An absolute masterpiece and a must-read!” —ANNIE SPRINKLE, PhD, sexologist and author of Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex “Many people wish for and dream of a wider world sexually and live out their lives unable to find the courage to explore. This book is a thoughtful, practical, and loving look at that exploration.” —DAVID CROSBY, musician and author of Since Then “This book is the definitive guide to having your marriage and eating other people too. The Ethical Slut made me the ethical slut I am today, and I am so proud!” —MARGARET CHO, comedian and author of I’m the One That I Want “The Ethical Slut, in this new and expanded edition, is the definitive guide for creating and sustaining all conscious relationships—polyamorous, open, alternative, and monogamous. Don’t enter into another relationship without it!” —BARBARA CARRELLAS, author of Urban Tantra “Dossie and Janet’s blend of good humor and forthright honesty makes for some of the best writing I have found on sexually complicated relationships and blended family options. Engaging, disarming, forthright— this is the book for those of us still brave enough to make the ethically complex choices.” —DOROTHY ALLISON, author of Bastard Out of Carolina Copyright © 2017 by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. www.crownpublishing.com www.tenspeed.com Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the publisher. Trade Paper ISBN 9780399579660 Ebook ISBN 9780399579677 v4.1 a Contents PART ONE: WELCOME 1: Who Is an Ethical Slut? 2: Myths and Realities 3: Our Beliefs 4: Slut Styles 5: Battling Sex Negativity 6: Building a Culture of Consent 7: Infinite Possibilities PART TWO: THE PRACTICE OF SLUTHOOD 8: Abundance 9: Slut Skills 10: Boundaries 11: The Unethical Slut 12: Flirting and Cruising 13: Keeping Sex Safe 14: Childrearing PART THREE: NAVIGATING CHALLENGES 15: Roadmaps through Jealousy 16: Embracing Conflict 17: Making Agreements 18: Opening an Existing Relationship PART FOUR: SLUTS IN LOVE 19: Making Connection 20: Couples and Groups 21: The Single Slut 22: The Ebb and Flow of Relationships 23: Sex and Pleasure 24: Public Sex, Group Sex, and Orgies CONCLUSION: A SLUT UTOPIA A SLUT’S GLOSSARY FURTHER READING ABOUT THE AUTHORS INDEX Exercises Sluts We Know and Love Some Affirmations to Try Practice Makes Perfect How Do You Experience Jealousy? Reassurance Fifteen Ways to Be Kind to Yourself Treasures Feelings Dyad Eight Steps to Win-Win Conflict Resolution What Is Anger Good For? Hierarchy of Hard The Twenty-Minute Fight The Airport Game A Healthy Breakup The Process-Free Date A Hot Date with Yourself Yes, No, Maybe More Fun with Your “Yes, No, Maybe” List Get Loud 1 WHO IS AN ETHICAL SLUT? Many people dream of having an abundance of love and sex and friendship. Some believe that such a life is impossible and settle for less than they want, feeling always a little lonely, a little frustrated. Others try to achieve their dream but are thwarted by outside social pressures or by their own emotions, and decide that such dreams must stay in the realm of fantasy. A few, though, persist and discover that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only possible but can be more rewarding than they ever imagined. People have been succeeding at free love for many centuries—often quietly, without much fanfare. In this book, we will share the techniques, the skills, and the ideals that have made it work for them. So who is an ethical slut? We are. Many, many others are. Maybe you are too. If you dream of freedom, if you dream of intimacy both hot and profound, if you dream of an abundance of friends and flirtation and affection, of following your desires and seeing where they take you, then you’ve already taken the first step. Why We Chose This Title From the moment you saw or heard about this book, you probably guessed that some of the terms may not have the meanings you’re accustomed to. What kind of people would revel in calling themselves sluts? And why would they insist on being recognized for their ethics? In most of the world, slut is a highly offensive term used to describe a woman whose sexuality is voracious, indiscriminate, and shameful. It’s interesting to note that the analogous words stud or player, used to describe a highly sexual man, are often terms of approval and envy. If you ask about a man’s morals, you will probably hear about his honesty, loyalty, integrity, and high principles. When you ask about a woman’s morals, you are more likely to hear about whom she shares sex with and under what conditions. We have a problem with this. So we are proud to reclaim the word slut as a term of approval, even endearment. To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you. Sluts may choose to have no sex at all or to get cozy with the Fifth Fleet. They may be heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, or bisexual, radical activists or peaceful suburbanites. As proud sluts, we believe that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for good, activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives, open spiritual awareness, even change the world. Furthermore, we believe that every consensual intimate relationship has these potentials and that any erotic pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative force in the lives of individuals and their communities. Sluts share their sexuality the way philanthropists share their money: because they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, because sharing makes the world a better place. Sluts often find that the more love and sex they give away, the more they have: a loaves-and-fishes miracle in which greed and generosity go hand in hand to provide more for everybody. Imagine living in sexual abundance! About You Maybe you dream of maintaining several long-term sexual and intimate relationships. Maybe your dream is of a lot of friendships that may or may not include sex. Maybe the idea of genital sex holds no interest for you but you still want to form a warm, loving partnership…or two or three. Maybe you want monogamy but a kind of monogamy that you and your partner have created according to your own desires and not the blueprint handed down by the greater culture. Maybe you want to be single, connecting where and how you want without changing your fundamental independence. Maybe you want to be part of a couple that occasionally shares a bed with a mutually desirable third party or that takes a planned night away from monogamy every now and then. Maybe you dream of three-way or four-way or orgiastic connections. Maybe you cherish solitude and want to find ways to get your needs met all by yourself with the occasional help of a friend or lover. Or maybe you want to explore different paths, to try a few things to see how they feel, to see how many kinds of relating you can fit into your busy and interesting life. All these possibilities and a hundred more are legitimate ways of being an ethical slut. As you read this book, you’ll find that some of our ideas will be good fits for the way you want to live and others will not. Take what you want and leave the rest. As long as you and the people you care about are consenting, growing, and taking good care of yourselves and the people around you, you’re doing ethical sluthood right, so don’t let someone else’s opinions—including ours—tell you otherwise. About Us Between us, we represent a fairly large slice of the pie that is sexual diversity. Dossie is a therapist in private practice in San Francisco, specializing in alternative sexualities, nontraditional relationships, and therapy for trauma survivors. She has identified as queer for more than thirty years, informed by the women’s and the gay men’s communities and by her years of bisexuality before that. She committed to an open sexual lifestyle in 1969 when her daughter was a newborn and taught her first workshop on unlearning jealousy in 1973.