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The Difference Between SM and Abuse

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The Difference Between SM and Abuse What is S/M? S/M is Safe, Sane, and Is it S/M or Abuse? Consensual S/M is the generally accepted umbrella-term for a Over 15 years ago, the SM/Leather/Fetish Com- Someone may be abused if... broad group of behaviors that involve the consensual munity established a community-wide ethic They cannot withdraw consent and stop 1 known as ―Safe, Sane and Consensual‖. 3 giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation. The what’s happening at any time. behaviors used in consensual S/M are negotiated and 1. “Safe” is being knowledgeable about the They cannot express limits and needs with involve the communication of limits and the use of a techniques and safety concerns involved out being ridiculed, criticized, or being safeword that can stop all action at any time. 4 in what you are doing. coerced into changing them.1 2. “Sane” is knowing the difference between Their partner threatens to out them for being S /M can include but is not limited to: tying a per- fantasy and reality. into S/M or being polyamorous, gay, sons hands during sex, erotic spanking, wearing a lesbian, bisexual, queer and/or transgender. blindfold during sex, being flogged, cross-dressing, 3. “Consensual” is respecting the limits Their partner prevents them from interacting wearing leather or latex, or exploring painful stimuli imposed by each participant. One of the in the S/M community or learning more most easily recognized ways to maintain and the resulting endorphins. S/M can be sensual, about S/M. limits is through use of a “safeword‖ — erotic, sexual or completely non-sexual. No one per- whereby participants can withdraw Their partner ignores their safewords or 3 son enjoys every behavior. tries to convince them not to use safewords. consent at any time with a single word or gesture. For many, S/M is a type of erotic theater where fan- They cannot refuse to do illegal activities tasies can be acted out in safety. Some S/M folk enjoy The Difference Between They cannot express feelings of guilt, enacting fantasies in which one person is powerful jealousy, or unhappiness1. SM and Abuse: (perhaps a master, Top or abductor) and one is power- They do not feel free to talk to family and less (perhaps a slave, Bottom or captive). 2 Although friends whenever they choose. The most basic difference between S/M and outwardly it may look as though the Bottom gives up abuse is Consent. Their partner has threatened to harm their control to the Top the Bottom actually maintains con- children, family, and/or pets. 4 It is not consent if… trol by setting limits and by using a safeword. Their partner has threatened to hurt You did not expressly give consent. themselves or them if they leave the S/M is often referred to as BDSM which stands for relationship. Bondage & Discipline (B&D), Dominance & You are afraid to say no. Their partner has destroyed or broken their Submission (D&S) , and Sadomasochism (SM). S/M You say yes to avoid consequences personal belongings. can also be called SM, Kink, Leather Sex, Leather, and (i.e. conflict, losing a job, losing your home, Their partner claims the right to control their SM/Leather/Fetish. being outed). behavior by virtue of gender, income, or other S/M is... external factors. Always consensual. They are confused about when a scene "Researchers estimate that 5-10 percent of the 3 Done with respect for limits. begins or ends. U.S. population engages in sadomasochism for sexual pleasure on at least an occasional basis, Fun, erotic, and loving for all partners3 If you think someone you know is with most incidents being either mild or stage Done with an understanding of trust. being abused contact activities involving no real pain or violence." The Network/La Red Never done with the intent to harm or 4 617-742-4911 tty: 617-227-4911 Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex, 1990 damage.3 [email protected] The Network/La Red Some Important Definitions P.O. Box 6011, Boston, MA 02114 Office: 617-695-0877 v/tty Scene Hotline: 617-742-4911 Describes the negotiated interaction that takes S/M is Not Abuse tty: 617-227-4911 place between two or more consenting adults. This [email protected] is very much like a scripted role-play. www.tnlr.org Play The specific action that occurs during a negotiated New England Leather Alliance (NELA) scene. PO Box 35728, Brighton MA 02135-0078 Safeword Office: 617-876-NELA Understanding A word or phrase that is agreed upon prior to the [email protected] www.nla-newengland.org consensual S/M beginning of the scene. In instances where a person is temporarily unable to speak, a hand In the U.S. there are over 500 educational and social and how it differs signal may be used. When this word is uttered or organizations that exist for SM/Leather/Fetish prac- this signal is given, all play is stopped titioners. immediately. It is very much like saying ―time- out‖. Books A guide for Negotiation Same-Sex Domestic Violence: professionals Communication between SM participants that Strategies for Change occurs prior to a scene in which participants Beth Leventhal & Sandra Lundy, discuss their interests, set limits, and communicate Sage Publications, 1999 the safeword to be used. When Violence Begins at Home: A Limits Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and End- The boundaries that are discussed and set during ing Domestic Violence the negotiation. These limits are set in order to K.J. Wilson, Hunter House Publishers, 1997. make sure that the scene is pleasurable for all involved. The New Bottoming Book Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton, Greenery Press, 2000. Top/Dominant The person responsible for orchestrating the A Collaboration Between: When Someone You Love is Kinky interaction. This is the person who administers the Dossie Easton & Catherine Liszt, Greenery Press, The Network/La Red negotiated stimuli and sets the mood of the scene. 2000. And Bottom/Submissive Different Loving: The World of Sexual The New England The person who receives the stimuli that is Dominance and Submission Leather Alliance administered by the Top. Although outwardly it Gloria G. Brame, Jon Jacobs, & Will Brame, (NELA) may look as though the Bottom gives up control to Villard Book, 1996. the Top they actually maintain control by setting This pamphlet was written by Sabrina Santiago, MSW. limits and by using a safeword that can stop all Portions of this pamphlet were adapted from: play. 1. The SM vs. Abuse Policy Statement created at the Leather Leadership Conference in 1998. Interest in S/M crosses race, ethnicity, socio- 2. When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press 2000. economic status, educational level, sexual 3. S/M is Not Abuse– Buckeye Region Anti-Violence Organization (BRAVO). This program is partially supported by MOVA orientation, and gender identity. 4. What is S/M? by Susan Wright and Charles Moser, through the 1984 VOCA grant from OVC, OJP, U.S. DOJ. www.ncsfreedom.org. .
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