The Undergraduate Magazine Vol. V, No. 10 | January 24, 2005

House of Pain Turn Over for Sex Cosmetic Conformity My Old Friend John Lauren laments the onerous housing Thuy and Roz double up on your Anna predicts the downfall of mankind James provides a trio of reviews to application favorite subject one surgery at a time guide your listening pleasure Page 3 Page 8 Page 5 Page 7

YOU’RE NEXT, BITCH MARIAN LEE MID SEASON REPORT CARD CUDDLE ’N’ Rob checks his list twice COLLAGE ANDREW PEDERSON | BRUT FORCE ROB FORMAN | MY 13-INCH BOX WHEN I LEFT PHILADELPHIA EVERY SO OFTEN I find Desperate Housewives: Clearly the shock of the season. for Winter Break, I was hoping for myself questioning whether For some unprecedented reason—read a sense of humor— a pleasant change in climate. At I am, in fact, in a waking Desperate Housewives has managed to gain critical acclaim home in Nevada, winter usually dream. You see, I have an while being a primetime soap-opera. The witty women on means something like forty five de- acquired taste. You might Wisteria Lane have already won a Golden Globe for Best grees, 20% humidity and clear skies. even call it obscure, cultist, Comedy Series, and Teri Hatcher won for Best Lead Actress This time, however, the weather and unpopular. After all, I in a Comedy Series. Oh, and the show is the biggest new gods granted me only one week of trumpeted my love of Angel show of the season, and second overall only to the original sweet, gentle desert winter before and Wonderfalls last year CSI. Get used to these ladies: they’re here to stay. unleashing some rabid El-Nino bas- only to have the Frog and Veronica Mars: This show is impossible to explain. I’ve tard child that brought with it frigid temperatures and almost the Fox deliver a one-two stopped trying. All I know is, every person I’ve ever sat in three feet of snow. double-whammy of cancellations that left me sucking my front of any episode has fallen in love despite my inability A man can only watch so much TV and shovel so much snow thumb while huddled in a pool of my own saltwater. Some to boil it down to a logline. It’s simply that good. Veronica before the limits of his sanity are severely tested. It was no sur- said it made me a bitter man. I blamed Nielsen, Vishnu, Mars has the beginnings of a cult show, and fortunately prise then, that by week number three, I was anxiously awaiting and the dwarf in my book club who steals my opinions. UPN is giving it time to find a larger cult-sized audience my return to the inexplicable but comfortably warm meteoro- Why was I doomed to love shows that seemingly no one with the full-season order. Kristen Bell is a star, plain and logical womb that has been Eastern Pennsylvania this winter. else—at least no one in the statistically polled Nielsen simple. Oh, and Alyson Hannigan is stopping by for a guest Needless to say, I spent my first week back frolicking about households—wanted to watch? And why, in the name of stint. That makes me happy. Get a clue, stop watching One in the absurd fifty and even sixty degree weather. Until, that is, all that is even partially lawfully-good, did reality shows like Tree Hill. That’s right, I know. You can’t hide from my a few days ago, when the storm I left on the West Coast finally The Swan prosper as I languished and lamented? judging eyes. caught up with me and plunged my second home into a deep The beginning of the 2004-05 television season House: I was worried about this show when the second arctic freeze. changed everything. In September, a little show called Lost aired episode bored me to tears. It was literally one of the To make matters worse, all the tedious academic and ad- premiered in a big way on Wednesdays at 8 p.m. From least impressive viewing experiences of the last year. Since ministrative chores I avoided doing over break have somehow there, everything went smoothly in a seemingly Rob-craft- that low, House has been very compelling even if I don’t formed a monstrously evil pact with the weather to break my ed television landscape, like some sort of less-interesting understand half of the dialogue. I know they’re speaking spirit. Internships, letters of recommendation, summer plans Truman Show. In my first article of the Fall 2004 semes- English, but I just can’t make out the words between the and everybody’s favorite conversation starter, “What do you ter, I listed six shows to watch and six shows to avoid. Let’s medical jargon. House was picked up for the full season, want to with that degree?” appear to be mounting above and go over the accolades and shortcomings of each. Humor as well. beyond any reasonable limits, and, coupled with the recent wave me, readers, this—all of the shows I enjoy stayed, while the Joey: The first sitcom of the season to get a full-season of atrocious weather have heralded the beginning of the dreaded shows getting axed are those I think were written by a few pickup. Episodes early in the series weren’t very good, but “Sophomore Slump.” chimps on LSD—has never happened. Ever. I want to take now that Joey has a job, and Lucy Liu is his hilarious boss, There’s no denying that it’s here, but I personally have de- a moment to bask. the show has picked up. Joey’s nephew is still the worst part cided that I will not be subsumed by this kind of mid-educational Watch of the show, but everything else clicks well… for a laugh- malaise. To that end, I have compiled the following list of activi- Lost: Until American Idol’s return last week, Lost track show. It isn’t Friends. Its ratings aren’t even close to ties that are sure to fend off the approaching gloom and restore trounced all competition in the 8 pm. Wednesday times- Friends. But Joey is the top-rated new sitcom of the season, the mental equivalent of new car smell to any weary, winter worn lot, reaching heights of over 20 million viewers each week. so it should stay around at least one more year. brain. I guarantee it. Proving there is room for two juggernauts at the same time, Jack & Bobby: Oh, the tragic story of a show on the First on the list is sex. Any kind of sex. Quickie sex, rough AI’s return barely shaved 1 million viewers from the mys- wrong network. This show would’ve worked wonders be- sex, friend sex, make up sex, oral sex… so long as there’s orgasm, tery-thriller-adventure. Lost is ABC’s biggest Wednesday Continued on PAGE 7 Continued on PAGE 5 show in a decade. PAGE 2 JANUARY 24, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 10 FirstCall Editorial Vol. V, No. 10 | January 24, 2005 The Undergraduate Magazine INTRODUCTION INFRACTION It seems the undergraduate divisions of departments at UPenn don’t want students in their Editor-in-Chief intro classes. This is the only conclusion that can be drawn from the widespread complaints and Robert Forman nearly ubiquitous reports about the typical “Department 101” lecture from students in all years. Editors Granted, not all departments label their introductory courses with one-oh-one. The fact remains: Andrew Pederson the University of Pennsylvania’s introductory courses are in need of serious improvement. Lauren Saul Recall the process of choosing where to apply for college, if you will. Several options are ini- tially presented, in the forms of a parent who went to the university way back when, of a recruiter Assistant Editor Anna Stetsovskaya visiting your high school, of a brochure sent to your home, of a guidance counselor suggesting a school, etc. From here the choices are narrowed by test scores, by finances, by activities, and Columnists perhaps by campus visits, overnights, tours, and information sessions. Of course, you have to Robert Forman Adam Goldstein be accepted, too. Universities across the globe do everything in their power to impress potential Julie Gremillion matriculants; there is a bevy of razzle dazzling. James Houston Sometimes the choice is clear. For instance, there is no better undergraduate business school Mickey Jou than Wharton, across almost all fields. Some students come to college knowing exactly their ma- Michael Patterson Andrew Pederson jor or concentration. A sizeable number of students remain open-minded or, dare we say, “Un- Roz Plotzker decided.” These students rely on requirement-filling classes to introduce them to subject matter Lauren Saul they, shockingly, might be interested in and might consider as a major. Anna Strongin Everyone takes some requirements, whether in Wharton, Engineering, the College, or Nurs- Writers ing. It is an inescapable fate. Students rarely take courses solely within their major or concentra- Shira Bender tion while pursuing a degree. A Biology major interested in a Linguistics course? It isn’t unheard Alexandra Chalat of. A History major taking Accounting 101 Pass/Fail (because God help them if they take it for a Christine Chen Thuy Tran grade) isn’t uncommon. Shouldn’t the point of introduction classes be to attract people to the major? Maybe even Artists “steal” bright students away from other fields, because gosh darn it, that introductory class might Stephanie Craven just make me want to dedicate my life to researching Communications? It can’t be all fun and Shira Bender Marian Lee games—we are here to learn—but classes don’t have to be, and let’s face it they shouldn’t be, any of the following adjectives: boring, painful, insomnia-curing. Layout Editors There is a point to weed-out courses: to be so prohibitively hard as to deflate the hopes and Krystal Godines Julie Gremillion dreams of students who believed they wanted to be chemists. There is nothing wrong with a class that is hard because its subject matter is difficult. What is wrong however is a class that makes a Business Managers student want to drop a discipline because he or she can’t stand another minute of a lecture (for Alex Chacon instance, Communications students who have dropped out because COMM 125 was too painful Greg Lysko to attend). Good luck getting any of the unfortunate and undecided students who populate that Marketing Manager lecture hall to apply to Annenberg. Leah Karasik The story is similar in many departments across UPenn. Some might argue the students drop the course or the major because they weren’t dedicated enough. Here at First Call, we find this Marketing Staff Lauren Saul argument erroneous. You can’t simply pave over something as problematic as a horrible profes- Anna Strongin sor, teaching assistant, or course design. The point of going to a university, as cliché as it may be, is to broaden one’s horizons instead of just learning, say, Finance. It’s time for the institution to Webmaster Rachit Shukla drop the excuses, and fix things. It’s time for a little more pizzazz. There needs to be more course evaluation and tweaking, as students are clearly disappointed. Help us, the students, learn. Contact Information 330 Jon M. Huntsman Hall 3730 Walnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19104 JULIE GREMILLION | SOUND ADVICE (215) 898-3200 [email protected] Julie presents the old, the new Web Site and the diehard favorites clubs.wharton.upenn.edu/fcpaper

Submissions Email letters to the editors and guest submissions to RETRO REWIND IN STEREO EDITORIAL ADVICE [email protected]. “Solsbury Hill” “Rumors” “You Raise Me Up” Students, please include your Peter Gabriel Lindsay Lohan Josh Groban school and class. Peter Gabriel released this song on his first This selection is a classic case of enjoying a To take a slight turn from the world Editorial Policy solo album Peter Gabriel which he released pop song while pretending you don’t know of pop and an odd trip to the world of First Call is the undergraduate magazine a few years after his exit in 1975 from the who sings it. Lindsay Lohan is the reincar- spiritual music, I offer this song as one of The University of Pennsylvania. First nation of the path the Olsen twins took—kid of the better religious/inspiration songs Call is published every Monday. Our hit band Genesis. He released “Solsbury mission is to provide members of the Hill” as the first track and confessed in a stars to slut stars. She’s the antithesis of her of current times. Make fun of him, but community an open forum for express- Rolling Stone interview the song is about nice, sweet rival Hilary Duff. And appar- 23-year-old Josh Groban really does have ing ideas and opinions. To this end, we, leaving Genesis and moving on to the chal- ently, she has shitty PR people because one of the more amazing male pop voices. the editors of First Call, are committed lenge of being a solo artist. Apparently, someone told her it would be a brilliant idea I particularly love his Italian songs, in- to a policy of not censoring opinions. Solsbury Hill is near Gabriel’s hometown in to release an over-produced, completely cluding “Alle Luce del Sole” and his duets Articles are provided by regular colum- England. He used to jog there, and rumor techno-d up plea for the media to “respect with The Corrs in “Canto Alla Vita” and nists and writers. They are chosen for has it his ex-wife may have tried to com- her privacy” as her first big single. Last time the incredible Sarah Brightman in “There publication based on the quality of writ- I checked, she wasn’t being at all shy about for Me”. He’s pretty much a child prodigy ing and, in the case of commentaries, the mit suicide there when they were having quality of argumentation. Outside of the marital problems. In recent years, Peter has her presence in the media—especially not a la Charlotte Church, but his work with weekly editorial and other editorial con- become quite the philanthropist, including since she developed her new “I look 27 and David Foster, world-renowned writer, tent, no article represents the opinion of work with Nelson Mandela, Amnesty In- like a Vegas stripper” image. Aren’t we all producer and arranger, has catapulted First Call, its editorial board, or individ- ternational, Greenpeace and founding the a little tired of famous celebrities bitching him into the spotlight as not only an ual members of First Call other than the group “Witness” to arm human rights activ- about having cameras take their photo—es- operatic but a budding pop star. “You author. No content in First Call unless ists with mass communication equipment. pecially when you’ve only just became really Raise Me Up” is a single off his 2003 otherwise stated represents the official The song is pretty simple, built around famous? The first thing you think when you album Closer, which has sold over 2 mil- position of the administration, faculty, hear this song is “Wait…I thought the remix lion copies in the US alone and hit No. 1 or student body at large of the Wharton an acoustic riff, but more instruments are School or the University of Pennsylvania. added with each verse to build intensity. It’s was supposed to come out after the original on the charts. His most recent album is really a great song that most people believe track.” Surprise, what you’re hearing is the Josh Groban Live at the Greek, which fea- Next issue: January 31, 2005 inspires them or encourages people to take original track. On top of all that, I really like tures performances from his stops at the a new step in a new direction and leave the the song. It gets stuck in your head. But Greek Theatre in Los Angeles during his past behind. Gabriel loves the song so much don’t trust anyone who thinks Lindsay has US tour for Closer. I highly recommend that he almost always plays it at every live a great voice—it’s completely indistinguish- all three of his albums, particularly if you concert. Hey, how can you go wrong with able from even a mediocre American Idol have any remote interest in Italian or an artist’s self-proclaimed favorite song? voice. And avoid the video at all costs unless semi-classical music. you want proof those boobs are totally fake. JANUARY 24, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 10 PAGE 3 ALL’S UNFAIR IN LOVE AND HOUSING

LAUREN SAUL | WEEKLY SAULUTATIONS TIME has always I am taking this opportunity to complain ond semester of one’s freshman year, and it fore, I am skeptical about how long it takes been a tricky about a problem which I think affects a is evident that few freshmen know enough the housing powers-that-be to conduct the business, and large amount of people on this campus: the about their friends to make a decision in pre-frosh round, and cannot think of a reason people in every housing question. The fact that those of us January. The result is that many sophomores why this round isn’t moved into the summer culture have who are staying on campus are deciding our say “Why, why, why” as they bang their heads months. thought about fates come September now mystifies me. As against the insufferably thin walls of the high In addition, I would like to note that it for millen- a sophomore, this situation is not as much rises. Those who choose to go off-campus whoever designed the high rises thought nia. Annoying of a problem as it is for current freshmen. usually must find apartments in as early as little about people’s wants. The two single, science teach- Those poor little newbies are still acquaint- November. one double format in the high rises gener- ers in the days ing themselves with everything when they go So, I ask the Penn housing powers that ally causes an undue amount of conflict when of middle school would repeatedly say that home after their first bout of finals, when they be: why is this necessary? I know the answer mid-year rolls around and it becomes time our lifetimes are the equivalent of a blink of realize that, alas, they’d better decide on their must be: “we have to get the upperclassmen for suitemates to switch. It’s unfortunate that an eye in the history of this planet. Spanish future suitemates! settled in before the incoming freshmen those who designed the buildings in distant explorers, who now seem silly, went through When my fellow freshmen complained conduct their nearly completely random history did not take into account the ubiqui- this continent in hopes of finding the foun- about roommates last year, the randomness process.” However, I don’t see what point tous preference for single bedrooms. tain of youth. Botox is becoming many Baby excuse could always back it up. After all, our there is in telling the freshmen their housing If there were a weighted equation which Boomers’ best friend. During long, boring fates were out of our control. Conversations assignment in May. It isn’t as though people added up to a person’s level of happiness on breaks from the college bubble, parents’ eyes would start with, “So, you would never guess make much contact with their roommates campus, housing would be a significant fac- grow distant as they vaguely say, “Enjoy it what he/she did today…” A ridiculous story before college begins, anyhow, so telling them tor. Yet, the process is conducted in such a while it lasts”, whatever “it” is. And people, would ensue. They sometimes involved in- a couple of weeks before NSO would make lit- dysfunctional manner and at such an early especially Whartonites, always talk about voluntary witnessing of sex, endless cattiness, tle difference in their lives. Then, undergrads time that makes it as difficult as possible for the impending entrance into the work-force, and strange hygienic behavior. This year, could face the process a few precious months people to decide what will serve them well in where going out on weeknights and other though, everyone expected the situation to later than the status quo. Other colleges ask the very distant future. Somewhere, some- college-oriented activities will be replaced by improve. However, since we are forced into incoming freshmen to fill out complicated one should rethink things, for the sake of endless hours of work. “deciding” our residential fate so early, it was surveys which ask them personal questions in everyone’s sanity. Whenever problems exist in these years not uncommon to hear about people who had an attempt to match people with compatible of so-called bliss, it is frustrating, because falling-outs with their self-selected room- habits. Penn simply has three boxes: kosher, : “These are supposed mates before sophomore year even started! smoking, early riser. The rest, at least for Lauren Saul is a sophomore dualing in the to be the best years of our lives!” Anyway, Life changes way too drastically in the sec- incoming freshmen, is left to chance. There- WHollege. You can write to her at lcsaul@wharton. SPLIT PERSONALITY BY ALEXANDRA CHALAT

THOUGH THE SEMESTER has just begun and most a gallery into a grocery store while Wesselman took a more min Franklin and College Hall—the very pillars of value midterms won’t start for a few weeks, floods of students uncomfortable road, sectioning off erogenous zones of the on Penn’s campus. On the other side stands the library, pour in and out of Van Pelt Library. They scurry in the body and forcing the viewer to look at them. the universal symbol of education and study. A button is doors with their bulging backpacks ready to take on the Oldenburg carried on this pop culture trend of ridicul- useful and ordinary, but enlarged and broken in half it hardships of a new semester, ready to soak up every piece ing our modern social uniformities, using everyday objects becomes utterly useless and awkward, and yet funny. In of information that consumes their giant textbooks. Van like an ice cream cone or a blender and transforming it the very center of an institution that prides itself on tradi- Pelt probably has the most foot traffic of any building on into art. In 1969, Oldenburg sculpted a massive lipstick tion and pragmatism, sometimes to the point of snobbery, campus—except maybe Huntsman where the Whartonites for Yale’s campus. It stood 24 feet high directly in front of Oldenburg manages to wiggle in and make a joke of it all, study instead—during finals week, as students have been the president’s office. The tip of the lipstick could deflate seemingly telling us Ivy Leaguers not to take ourselves so known to get there at 7 a.m. just to get a carrel. and inflate and the entire thing looked more like a weapon seriously. Interestingly, as we all hustle in and out of the library than a piece of makeup. At the height of the anti-war move- Since 1981, when Split Button was first erected, the we have become accustomed to dodging the giant button ment, the sculpture’s phallic-gun symbolism did not please number of the piece’s meanings continues to grow: little that stands in our way. Like Van Pelt, Claes Oldenburg’s many people, and the discomfort it caused forced it to be kids use it as a slide, people use it as a meeting point, and Split Button has become a campus center despite its in- moved out of a place of pride and into a less prominent let’s not forget the more R-rated version—the campus ru- convenient location in front of the stairs. Undoubtedly, we location where it would draw less attention. Oldenburg mor that students have sex under it when no one is look- have all noticed the extreme amount of abstract art that went on to cause more controversy; the epic Clothespin in ing. Honestly, if we break it down, if we really look at what dots our campus—Lieberman’s Covenant (better known as center city Philadelphia has been interpreted, among other Oldenburg has done in the past, we find ourselves asking the dueling tampons), Calder’s Jerusalem Sabile (the ab- things, to be a mockery on corporate America; he showed if it really is just a sex toy or a meeting spot. Like the split stract sculpture in front of Meyerson), and Robert’s Love the monotony of hanging out your clothes to dry every day, in the button itself, the interpretation of this sculpture (part of a collection of sculptures that sit all over Phila- the repetitive routine of a 9-5 job, enlarged it, and put it has been split as well. Some people still may think that delphia)—but the Split Button, whether it’s because it sits right in the middle of the Financial District. The white- it is supposed to symbolize Benjamin Franklin’s button in the heart of campus or because of its semi-confusing, collar workers of Philadelphia walk out of their offices that popped off when he got too fat, but as a free-spirited semi-funny subject matter, has become a symbol of Penn every day and see this sculpture on their way home. abstract sculptor, it seems as though Oldenburg sits back without anyone truly knowing about what it represents or At Penn, we pride ourselves in having an Oldenburg and laughs at us as we scurry around an oversized broken what the artist wanted it to represent. sculpture on campus, but do we truly see what his Split object to get from class to library to interview. In the tremendous rise of pop art, Claes Oldenburg fol- Button is supposed to mean? Like his Lipstick, the But- lowed in the wake of artists like Warhol, Wesselmann, and ton represents a familiar object, but it means something Lichtenstein by poking fun at society and mocking the way more. We naturally move around it, changing our course we all live our lives. Warhol became famous for his Camp- for it, breaking our routine, our direct route. It sits di- Alexandra Chalat is a senior in the College. You can write to her at bell’s Soup silk screens because he turned the divine idea of rectly across from the sculpture of the enthroned Benja- achalat@sas. Critically Inform. Signed up for too many activities and wound up doing nothing? Wanted to get involved in a campus publication, but didn’t know how? It’s never too late. First Call, the Undergraduate Magazine, is always looking for new members:

• Writers • Artists • Photographers • Layout • Marketing/ Sales

Come to our intro meeting to learn how easy it is. Monday, January 24th, Huntsman Hall Room G86

Submissions due Wednesdays at midnight. No application or experience necessary. PAGE 4 JANUARY 24, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 10 THE SECRET LIVES SO LONG, THANKS FOR OF BUTLERS ALL THE TORTURE MICKEY JOU | SITES AND SOUND MICHAEL PATTERSON | OUT OF THE FOLD

FOR A LONG TIME, civil libertarians have felt the I AM A FILM SNOB. That said, I am opening this most serious threats to American liberty existed on week’s column with a quotation from the romantic the home front. In the days following 9-11, thousands comedy Maid in Manhattan: “It takes intelligence of Muslim and Arab-Americans were detained with- to serve other people.” These are the last ‘meaning- out lawyers, any presented charges, or access to any- ful’ words of Lopez’s mentor in the hotel industry, the one on the outside. For four years this nation faced an Head Butler, before he is fired. I had originally read Attorney General who disregarded the Constitution this line as the screenwriter’s last attempt to squeeze in his policies. Violations of privacy were rampant, out a few extra tears, to give the old man some dignity and with the passage of the USA PATRIOT Act, At- (having, after all, thrown away his entire career for torney General John Ashcroft had tools at his disposal someone else’s trifling love affair). All I could really that permitted near unrestricted access of personal think about, however, as the Head Butler tottered out data of American citizens. Practically nothing was with mere scraps of his self-respect, was: Dude, you out of reach. just got fired. Fortunately, with Ashcroft soon parting ways with the administration and a new I still say that Maid in Manhattan is a waste of celluloid film and the classic Cin- Attorney General certain to be sworn in with the President’s new cabinet, perhaps the derella formula (the Dress wasn’t even flattering on her; Julia Roberts did a much domestic violations of civil liberties will at least lessen. Yet with the apparent continu- better job in Pretty Woman, and that Dress was from the eighties), but the line about ation of Donald Rumsfeld as Secretary of Defense, civil libertarians and all Americans serving people stuck. For anyone who’s ever worked in the service sector, especially still have reason to fret. those of us in retail, it rings truer and louder than that annoying bell they always use Since launching the “War to call for us. As a servant to the masses myself, it is hard not to recognize that secret on Terror,” the United States society of people behind the scenes, the ones who take your order, take your money, has done many things that find your shoe size, and thank you for shopping with them. Butlers, maids, and valets are at best questionable and are easily the forefathers of their modern progeny, the Retail Sales Associate or Waiter at worst flagrant violations of (aka the Customers’ Bitch). international conventions on Take a whirl in the secret lives of the servants in Gosford Park (Robert Altman; human rights. Starting with 2002), a brilliantly assembled ensemble cast thrown together in the trappings of an the detention of thousands extravagant (but only decorously so) mansion with a surprising plot. The murder is of Muslim and Arab Ameri- hardly mysterious once the surface has been scratched, but the film beautifully demon- cans in the days following strates that those who are served hardly ever bother to consider the depths of servants’ 9/11 without charges or trial lives. “The perfect servant has no life,” says the matter-of-fact Head of the Household, to the recent events in Iraq Mrs. Wilson, and it is her dutiful acceptance of her place in life that makes Mrs. Wilson and Guantánamo Bay, civil a graceful servant and not simply a chilling Stepford automaton. libertarians have reason for You might think it’s sad for someone to spend his or her entire life serving some- concern over the way our ad- one else, but don’t forget: servants fit their masters like a glove to a hand, and they ministration handles the very often know their masters better than even the masters themselves. In the Tim Curry real threat of terrorism. whodunit caper, Clue (1985), this very British intrigue of secrets kept among the Americans watched, servants takes on an Ameri- mostly in disgust, as the ac- can twist. In the British, tions of some of our military properly-mannered world in Abu Ghraib were leaked to of Gosford Park, servants the global media. Even more are visible only when they importantly, the rest of the are acknowledged as so, world took notice as well. Pic- whereas in Clue, you can tures, videos, and accounts of hardly ignore the servants humiliating beatings, sexual at all. Though they are abuse, and in some instances dead, they are much more death, appeared in our eve- active players in the game ning news. President Bush promised that these were isolated events, the result of a few than anyone imagines. No rogue soldiers and asymptomatic of U.S. military policy. Many of us took this assur- wonder butlers like to keep ance to heart, not wanting to believe our nation was complicit in the images we saw. things tidy — they are, af- In early December, the American Civil Liberties Union released FBI documents ter all, the ultimate secret obtained through the freedom of information act detailing more abuse at the hands of keepers and their loyalty to American officials. This time, however, the offenses were not a world away in Iraq, but their masters comes a close closer to our shores, in Guantánamo Bay. As was the case in Abu Ghraib, the material second to a dog, man’s other shows beatings, humiliating practices of all sorts, and sexual assaults of inmates in best friend. the camp. Instead of being isolated in nature, these despicable acts are proving to be This loyalty and instinct much more widespread than previously thought, leading many to demand changes be for keeping “sir” from get- made to stop it. ting into messy situations With evidence mounting that the abuse goes higher up the chain of command is humorously depicted in than the soldiers who actually committed the acts, President Bush must take action P.G. Wodehouse’s Carry On, in his second administration to prevent American sponsored abuse from continuing. Jeeves, where the paragon A cabinet in which Donald Rumsfeld is not the Secretary of Defense would go a long of all menservants, Jeeves, way towards accomplishing that goal. At a minimum, Secretary Rumsfeld is culpable patiently straightens out the by default for not doing more to prevent the wide-spread human rights violations that bumbling friends (and the tarnish our nation’s image in the eyes of the rest of the world. As the point person closets full of fashion faux in charge of military actions, Rumsfeld has an obligation to monitor the actions of pas) of one Bertie Wooster. soldiers on the ground. Rumsfeld’s response to the abuse of Iraqi and other POW’s Wooster is well intentioned at the hands of American officials has fallen far short of the open and decisive action enough, but do not be so na- needed. ïve as to expect him capable On January 20th, our President was be sworn in to a second term in office. Now that of taking care of himself. President Bush pledged again to uphold the Constitution of this nation, I have these Nevermind, the servants words of advice to help him accomplish this going into his second term: for America will do that; go take in a to remain a credible defender of democratic values and civil liberties, we must do more dinner and a show. Can you imagine if the young chappies of the world were all sen- than preach rhetoric. Therefore, if President Bush continues to express confidence in sible enough to take care of themselves? Where would the seven little powerful words the ability of Rumsfeld to lead our military, he only undermines his own commitment — “If I might make a suggestion, sir?” — go? Jeeves would lose his purpose in life, like to stopping human rights violations. Not only do a majority of the American people Smithers on vacation, having no fun and constantly worrying about Mr. Burns. believe that Mr. Rumsfeld should go, but even many Congressional Republicans such Hapless sartorial adventures and repetitive acts of murders on the same victim as Senator McCain have expressed a desire to see him leave soon. aside, there is something of a price to be paid for living someone else’s life, at the end It would do the President well to heed the concerns of others in his party and of the day. Kazuo Ishiguro’s The Remains of the Day is an intimate portrait of an aged replace our current Secretary of Defense with someone who takes real action to stop butler still striving for the standards and conducts of an era past, with certain doubts torture at the hands of U.S. personnel and who truly values the principles of our and admissions about the loss of his own life with the end of that era. Toward the end Constitution. Our national reputation as a champion of human rights cannot stand of the book, the narrator confesses his own insignificance against great men, believing another four years of Rumsfeld at the helm of war. it ought to be enough to make some “small contribution count for something true and worthy.” I disagree. The secret lives of these butlers and maids are not built from the secrets of their employers. Their lives, in and of themselves, are a secret to those of us Michael Patterson is a senior in the College. You can write to him at mjp2@seas. who are being served. Gosford Park, Clue, Carry On, Jeeves, and The Remains of the Day are four very different perspectives to the life of a servant, British or Yankee, head of the household or pouring coffee, but they all are watching, anticipating our next demand and waiting on us patiently without our even realizing it.

Mickey Jou is a junior in the College. You can write to her at myjou@seas. JANUARY 24, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 10 PAGE 5 PERSONALITY IMPLANTS? Plastic Surgery’s Ubiquity May Lead to Physical Homogeneity

ANNA STRONGIN | A TASTE OF MEDICINE

THIS LOOKS LIKE it’s going to All of a sudden, it became painfully clear just how easy it resemble each other in their quest for increasing their physical be the Age of Personality—when is to become beautiful. With a little time and a whole lot of appeal, it will become a lot harder to distinguish among all of it comes to attracting attention, money, a person could be changed unrecognizably from head these “improved” people. physical appearance just isn’t to toe. A nose could be reshaped, teeth could straightened and Suddenly, people might find themselves no better off than going to cut it anymore. Why? when they started, before spending all that time and money. Because beauty is about as Granted, this does not apply so much to those people who hot a commodity as real estate use plastic surgery to correct visible deformities resulting nowadays. Just look at all the from disease and scarring or those who want to set back the plastic surgery shows taking onset of old age. However, the ones who want these opera- over television: I Want a Famous Face, Nip/Tuck, Dr. 90210, tions because they hope that they will help them “make it” in and the numerous Discovery channel specials masquerading the entertainment industry or become more appealing to the as educational experiences are very symbolic of the growing opposite sex are the ones who are going to suffer. popularity of plastic surgery. The number of plastic surgeries performed has increased The entertainment industry, as usual, is in perfect sync by almost 300% since 1997 and, if this is the rate at which with people’s priorities in the real world. More specifically, things keep going, a certain kind of beauty will become in 2003 almost 8.3 million cosmetic procedures were per- extremely commonplace. Those individuals who possess it formed and of these over 1.8 million were surgical. That whitened, skin could be lifted, breasts could be augmented, will no longer be able to make an impression on anyone with number is almost twice the number of surgeries performed and liposuction could be performed on every flabby inch of their appearance. in 1997! the body. At that point they will probably realize that they will need While in and of itself, this fact says a good deal about the This really sucks for people who are naturally beautiful, to be super-considerate or have a fabulous sense of humor to things we value most and the direction our society is heading, because they end up losing an element of uniqueness in their stand apart from the ever-growing double-D crowd. They will it also tends to point to an even more interesting dilemma. possession. And, eventually, it will also suck for those who realize that they have wasted a whole lot of money. And they This other idea did not occur to me until the other day, when I want to be beautiful. After all, truly beautiful people are not all will realize that they are nowhere closer to their goals than was flipping through the channels and came across an episode that common and those who yearn to become such individu- they were before. But, nonetheless, they will be more than of The Swan. als hope that a better sculpted body or a new nose will bring ready to spend a whole lot more on coaches, classes, and semi- The show, whose premise is to transform unattractive and them the attention they need or want. nars to make their personalities as hot as their bodies, hoping unappealing women into beauties through plastic surgery, as And they’re right. Watching The Swan, I could not deny that this time around an artificial enhancement will finally get well as rigorous diet and exercise, was on its “before & after” that the women looked more attractive after their extreme them what they want. phase. Watching it, I realized that these women really did look makeovers. However, I also noticed how very similar the significantly better, and one might even say genuinely attrac- beauty of each of these women appeared to be: big lips, big tive, after enduring everything the producers had in store for breasts, big hair. Ultimately, plastic surgery will turn against Anna Strongin is a junior in the College. You can write to her at them. those who get it done. As more and more individuals come to astrongi@sas. AFTERNOON DELIGHT BY CHRISTINE CHEN

DAYTIME TELEVISION has been keeping both the grey-haired gossip down the Fact: Of all the episodes of The Simpsons that O’Brien wrote, his favorite is “Spring- street and students lazing away summer break entertained over lunch or “brunch” for de- field Gets a Monorail.” cades. Whether viewed religiously every day or found randomly channel surfing, daytime television holds a very special place in America’s collective bosom. Sure, there is the occa- The Jane Pauly Show sional rancorous show such as the infamous Jerry Springer that has given daytime its bad With polls asking “Do you know anyone who is truly happy?” it comes as no surprise rep, but the biggest, not to mention wealthiest (one word: OPRAH), names in daytime that The Jane Pauly Show is one of sugary sweetness where at least one of the guests are aimed at women in the home. Exactly twelve hours later begins another dependable is bound to shed a tear or two within the sixty minute timeslot of intimate talk show timeslot featuring Daytime’s saucy sister, Late Night. Late Night’s fun and games boast chatter. Jane Pauly asks, “Imagine a world without pantyhose, lipstick… or even a bra!” famous celebrities and musical guests. Interestingly, but somehow not so surprising in This particular show focused on female inventors, with guests including Sara Blakely, of retrospect, most people get their news not from the actual nightly news broadcast, but, Spanx fame, and Gale Epstein and Lida Orzeck, producers of the ever popular “Hanky rather, from the current events stand up act at the beginning of each show. Panky Thong,” which was featured in the Wall Street Journal as the leader in lingerie. However, at NBC Studios in New York City, it seems that both Late Night with Conan (The original Hanky resides at the Metropolitan Museum). Pauly takes some time to O’Brien and The Jane Pauly Show tape at the same time. Conundrum. Here is a brief point the spotlight on the young, intelligent women behind the inventions and innova- overview of each that will hopefully aid in this brain wracking decision if under some tions that play a role in her fellow females’ daily lives. Despite Pauly’s grippingly deep cruel twist of fate one had to choose between the two. subject matter, one must admit that this Indiana native’s down-to-earthiness that made her America’s broadcasting sweetheart from Today and Dateline NBC extends into her Late Night with Conan O’Brien daytime show. Conan, Conan, a comedic genius, SNL comic, The Simpsons writer/producer and, al- Fact: Apparently there is a dress code for The Jane Pauly Show. FAQ: What should I wear? though you are a Harvard alum, we respect you nonetheless. Your self-deprecating ways Answer: Business Casual. We suggest that you do not wear jeans, shorts, hats, t-shirts are as charming as the fluff of roaring red that sits atop your head. It is indeed difficult or shirts with large logos. Colors look better on camera, so please do not wear all black not to shout “I love you, Conan” when sitting in the studio audience, or while watching or all white. the show in the comfort of one’s own home, or just randomly while walking down Locust So you want to be part of the studio audience? should the mood strike. Jane (Pauly): For Tickets call (212) 664-3056. All audience members must be 18 He is just that likeable. An amicable host, patient with the surliest of celebrity guests, years old, though I can’t imagine why. Tickets don’t seem terribly high in demand so if Conan rules Late Night. Jane floats your boat, go for it. Be sure to wear all black or all white. Not to mention the show’s in-house band, Max Weinberg and the Max Weinberg 7, Conan’s Deal: Tickets to Late Night with Conan O’Brien are available only by call- whose musical talents cannot be fully appreciated until heard live. Something happens ing the ticket office at (212) 664-3056. You can request up to 4 tickets and all audience in the time that the sound waves are picked up by the microphones on the set to when it members must be at least 16 years old. Be forewarned: tickets may be booked only every leaves the television set that just strips the brass of its original timbre. Really, if not for 6 months. Make it count. Conan or the guests, or any of the multitudes of reasons, see the show live just for Max and company. Christine Chen is a sophomore in Engineering. You can write to her at cachen@seas.

WINTER DOLDRUMS we’ve all left behind. But why settle for that tion and to maintain a warm and carefree Continued from PAGE 1 dismal state? Relive the joys of childhood mental state, try writing silly poems about by buying a coloring book and scribbling how much your professor sucks. Take the it doesn’t make a difference. Life is always few pounds before they start modeling for over the lines with bold strokes of wildly following Haiku: Boring Professor/ your simpler naked, and when you have another Gray’s Anatomy. colored crayon. Better yet, make a collage ass imprisons your head/ your speech person to share it with, provided he or she Although the gym is packed this month and spend all day Saturday watching stu- kills my soul. You’ll be smiling through is not pointing and laughing or snapping with people still feebly clinging to hollow pid cartoons and eating cereal (though not midterms. your ass with a towel, the experience is the New Year’s resolutions, a physically cathar- necessarily the kind that costs $2.75 per Any of the above strategies taken alone direct antithesis to stress. After all, can you tic workout is another great option to clear bowl). You’ll be surprised at how quickly or in combination is a wonderful way to really think about what you’ll be doing in up a dreary mindset. Working out, however, a couple of old magazines and some glue lighten your mood and expand your hori- five years with grunts, wet slaps of flesh and does not refer to one set of ten curls, a few will chase the blues away. Add some deli- zons. Speaking from personal experience, a steamy voice moaning the name “Estoban” minutes on the elliptical and a chocolate cious granola and skim milk and you have a combination sexual workout/ coloring in the background? health shake afterwards. Get your ass on a healthy snack even mom would be proud session is especially effective. Ultimately, Sex is sometimes hard to get, as we the treadmill and make sure you’re running of. Collage. It’s a good thing. though, we all have to work through this all know, so second on the list is anything faster than the Tri Delt with the pink ipod The above are all good strategies to es- midpoint stagnation, even though what edible. And no, a microwaved cantaloupe next to you. Similar emotional release is tablish or reinforce a positive outlook out- lies on the other side may be boring, hos- does not count. When stress hits, grab the possible with the masculine arts of bowling side of class, but inevitably over the course tile, or, even worse, a career as a financial first thing that’s not toxic and begin shoving and trap shooting. Imagine each forma- of completing those pesky general require- analyst or consulting advisor of accounting copious amounts of it down your throat, the tion of pins or soaring clay disc as another ments, you’ll have to suffer through some risk management supervision consultation. sweeter the better. Chocolate, in this re- internship you’re ineligible for since you’re of the more content impaired classes like Nevertheless, we must all bear in mind that spect, is the best non sexual mood enhanc- a white, middle class liberal arts major. Introduction to Cork Studies or Perspec- in five years, everybody will think we went er. With neuro-chemical effects similar to Smile as the son of a bitch explodes into a tives in Neo Evangelist Transgender Lit- to Penn State anyway. We may as well just marijuana and a price much lower than sex, thousand pieces. erature of the Alpine. In any such lecture, relax and take off our pants for a while. it’s a legal bargain. Besides, most of the Often, life is a little depressing when we a person is hard pressed to retain a cheery Andrew Pederson is a sophomore in the College. You girls around campus could stand to gain a think of the simple, yet colorful childhoods demeanor. To ward off coma-like stupefac- can write to him at awl@sas. PAGE 6 JANUARY 24, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 10 A ROYAL BLUNDER Prince Harry: Not Just a Wardrobe Malfunction BY SHIRA BENDER LAST WEEK, the British Royal Family ap- he himself never actually appeared nor per- paparazzi, and getting drunk. I can almost actual punishment. parently suffered a barrage of slanderous sonally displayed any remorse, as I’m sure hear Daddy Charles asking, “Why can’t you Apparently, Harry is not really at fault, tabloid coverage and completely unwar- he’s all torn up over it within the privacy be more like your brother, William?” It since he’s just a kid with aides who are ranted public uproar directed towards the (British pronunciation, please) of his own seems that all of Britain has accepted this clearly imbeciles. In this view, his apology young Prince Harry. After all, he only wore gilded bedroom. Anyway, “his” statement image of Harry and has chosen to treat him was sincere, and he has truly learned from an innocent little costume to a friend’s party. was: “I am very sorry if I caused any offence accordingly, as a misguided youngster who this incident the true meaning behind the So it happened to bear some resemblance to or embarrassment to anyone. It was a poor simply needs some more discipline from his swastika and the horrors of the Holocaust. a Nazi uniform. So it happened to be two choice of costume and I apologize.” How father and his aides and who should certain- I’m sorry, but I don’t think myself overly weeks before the 60th anniversary of the lib- eloquent and perfectly understandable. ly not be held overly accountable for actions cynical in saying that this is wishful think- eration of Auschwitz. Kids these days. Clearly he just such as this. ing, and a clear skirting of the issue. Harry BBC News created a forum on its web- happened to Pa r l i a m e n t is not a child whose every action can be site for readers to respond to this story, and make a poor has even blamed on his parents or their substitutes. judging by several of the British, American, apparel choice a n n o u n c e d He is also not just any twenty year old. As is and even Jewish responses to this media that day, that it will clear from this headline, his actions are scru- frenzied event, as paraphrased above, you along the lines be opening tinized by thousands, and while this may be would think little Harry was just a toddler of stripes and an inquiry unfortunate, unnecessary, and indicative of walking around a birthday party dressed up polka dots, next month the typical yellow journalistic style of British in a slightly German-esque outfit. “Kid?” Try for instance. into Harry’s Tabloids, it nevertheless puts extra responsi- twenty years old. “Some resemblance?” Try Please. The advisors, to bility on him and his family. What are young exact replica, complete with swastika arm- guy is twenty see how they rebellious British teenagers expected to band. As a side note, the party was “fancy years old and were recruit- think when they see a photo of their favorite dress,” and themed “colonial and native.” a member of ed. Accord- rebellious prince wearing a swastika at a How British. the most elite, ing to Yahoo costume party? I read through a few different articles de- well-bred, and news, com- The real issue at hand is the desensiti- scribing the event, and I have to say, I do en- s c r u t i n i z e d mittee mem- zation of the newest generation to Holo- vision some top dog at The Sun—the British families in ber Ian Da- caust events. Each time some bad figure is tabloid that broke the story—kicking back the UK. Has vidson of the compared to Hitler, each time a swastika and smoking a fat cigar with a huge grin on nobody yet Labour party is displayed as a fairly innocuous symbol, his face. It’s hard to beat a front-page head- clued him r e m a r k e d , and each time a terrible event such as 9/11 line of “HARRY THE NAZI” complete with in to the insensitivity, nastiness, and hor- “Where do they get these people who are is compared to the mass genocide of the Ho- a full-page picture of the lad in Nazi attire, ror that such an outfit would create for the advising Harry? They are either negligent, locaust, the memories of the victims and the holding a cigarette in one hand and a drink minds and hearts of so many survivors and incompetent, politically suspect, or a com- survivors are shamed. The problem with the in the other. Oops. their families? bination of all three.” Those bastards, mis- prince wearing the costume is not so much Harry did apologize soon afterward in a The “party prince” has always been leading the poor child like that. Wouldn’t it in that he himself was so insensitive, though statement last Wednesday. Well, an official known as the rebellious one, at least ac- be nice if we could all just blame our hor- that is an issue that deserves further inquiry, statement was made by Palace officials, but cording to the tabloid coverage. He has vari- rendous misjudgments on our traitorous considering how well-educated and civilized it was made in Harry’s name. No matter that ously been reported smoking pot, beating up and mentally retarded advisors? And all that he should be at this point, but rather the ef- news coverage of that one tiny little mistake! fects it could have on the rest of society, and, How utterly uncivilized of the paparazzi! even more so, the deeper societal problem According to several BBC News readers, it indicates. Anti-Semitism is not caused our hearts should be bleeding for the Royal by great acts of violence and anger against BEST BETS family on account of the hardships they go Jews, so much as through small, seemingly through with the British press. After all, “It’s inconsequential actions, including those not Harry’s fault he was born a Royal,” said that dismiss and belittle the suffering the one particularly kind-hearted soul. Jews have gone through in the past. I’m not 1/24 - 1/30 Following the royal gaffe, —I can’t help saying that as a result of Harry’s stupidity using some of the delicious British termi- there will be a sudden burst of anti-Semitic nology peppered throughout BBC News sentiment in the UK, but I do think that in a Rob’s TV picks for the week coverage, it’s just irresistible—some Jewish European climate that is already not entirely groups demanded that Harry visit Aus- friendly to the Jewish people to begin with, Welcome back to another semes ter of me plug ging shows trying to get you to chwitz as atonement for his actions and as his insensitivity can only add to the detach- watch programs ranging from the obscure to the down-right addicting. a way of educating or sensitizing him to a ment of today’s youth from any feelings of subject of which he is clearly ignorant. “We sympathy or understanding for that horrific Monday: Medium, “Night of the Wolf” (NBC, 10 p.m.) I admit it. I did not see strongly urge Prince Harry to accompany time. th this coming. A show about a psychic who doubles as mother and crime-solver? A the British delegation on January 27 to In Germany, the swastika is already a popular show? NBC’s firs t hit of the season? Hones tly, I didn’t see it coming. The the Auschwitz death camp to commemo- banned symbol, and following this news pilot wasn’t so great, but subsequent episodes have been more satisfying, since Allison rate sixty years since liberation. There he story, German politicians called for it to be DuBois (the alternatively endearing and bland Patricia Arquette) has s topped ques- will see the results of the hated symbol he banned throughout Europe. The proposal tioning her abilities and s tarted using them. Glenn Gordon Caron finally has a hit that so foolishly and brazenly chose to wear” may be discussed at the next meeting of Eu- should s tick around a while. said Rabbi Marvin Hier, dean of the Simon ropean Justice Ministers. I don’t think this Tue sday: The Amazing Race, “It Always Comes Down to the Details” (CBS, 9 Wiesenthal Center in the United States, the is the right way to go, since clearly there are p.m.) Who am I going to root agains t, now that Jonathan and Victoria (a.k.a. the Jewish human rights group. Harry has since problems concerning censorship and free couple who needs e xtensive counseling and couples therapy) were Philiminated? ruled out this visit to the death camp, since speech. I feel that the only way to fix a prob- There are so many e xamples of Ugly American-ness to choose from. Hayden’s whin- he already “recognizes he made a very bad lem that affects all of today’s youth is to edu- ing? Kendra’s ethnocentrism? Adam’s inability to grow a central nervous sys tem? At mistake” according to royal officials. Appar- cate them. Erasing a symbol does not erase this point, the only team who hasn’t royally twis ted my dreads is Kris and Jon. So… ently his two-sentence long official apology a social reality, and punishing a privileged go long dis tance relationships. was summarily accepted by the Jews in the prince by sending him to see for himself the UK as well; the Board of Deputies of Brit- horrors of Auschwitz will not do much to Wedne sday: Alias, “Welcome to Liberty Village” (ABC, 9 p.m.) I don’t care if it’s ish Jews said its members were “pleased” change the situation, either. I consider his largely due to Lost’s huge lead-in numbers… my baby’s finally a hit! Sure, American that he apologized, and Rabbi Dr Jonathan actions to be less a cause for concern than Idol results shows will pose some serious, and likely deadly, competition. For now Romain of the Reform synagogues of Great an indication of an already existing societal Alias gets to shine in the limelight and win its timeslot. This week, Sydne y Bris tow Britian said the apology should be accepted. dilemma. and Michael Vaughn infiltrate a Russian terroris t initiative that trains operatives to Strangely enough, I’m getting flashbacks of pose as American families a la Stepford. my older brother being forced into an “offi- Thursday: Point Pleasant, “Who’s Your Daddy?” (FOX, 9 p.m.) That’s a tragic Shira Bender is a freshman in the College. You can cial” apology to me, only to see him chuckle write to her at shiratb@sas. title, isn’t it? I promise, this ins tallment of Small Beachside Ne w Jerse y Town has a moment later over how easily he got out of nothing to do with that traves ty unto nature. Af ter las t week’s two-episode mys tery- fes t, vie wers will finally begin getting some answers about C hris tina. Worth noting: Point Pleasant, NJ is not actually the location of hell, though I’m pretty sure it’s hidden some where in the s tate. Friday: Joan of Arcadia, “The Rise & Fall of Joan Girardi” (CBS, 9 p.m.) Holy tweenie-bopper! It’s time to duck and cover in Arcadia. Hilary Duff is invading, and will promptly be placed in danger. If only Joan didn’t save her life, and this weren’t a fictitious hit-and-run. Seriously, I bear Ms. Duff no ill will, but she won’t return my our dose of calls. Which is not cool, if we’re coming clean about things. Saturday: Iron Chef America, “Flay vs. Bayless” (FOOD, 7 p.m.) What, I can’t weekly wisdom be addicted to things that were only entertaining because of the dubbing when the y aren’t dubbed? The ultra-serious cooking competition is back… and this is a repeat of firstcallism las t Sunday’s episode because (a) I missed it, (b) there isn’t anything on Saturday now that college football is over. BODY PARTS: IF THEY Sunday: Arrested Development, “Burning Love” (FOX, 8:30 p.m.) Liza Minelli is back as Lucille 2, Jessica Walters’ character’s nemesis, and that’s all you need to know! DON’T JIGGLE, THEY Congrats to Jason Bateman on his Golden Globe for Bes t Actor in a Comedy Series. You know I love Desperate Housewives, but Arrested Development was robbed in that AREN’T REAL. category. There is nothing funnier on tele vision. If You Can Only Watch One: Alias. JANUARY 24, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. V NO. 10 PAGE 7 JAMES HOUSTON | THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS Weekly Music Reviews from First Call’s CD Expert John Lennon, Acoustic Rufus Wainwright, Want Two John Legend, Get Lifted

Whenever John Rufus Wain- Does the Penn Lennon’s name wright released Bookstore sell appears in the Want One in John Legend’s news, someone the fall of 2003 Get Lifted for always manages and, as it be- such a rea- to turn it into falls seemingly sonable price an opportunity every musician because he’s for Yoko-bash- at some point, an alumnus? ing. This is had another Such mercy unfortunate not album’s worth is probably only because of songs left better left un- the anger is over from the questioned by usually unjusti- recording ses- the bursar- fied, but also sions. Want happy under- because it dis- Two is margin- graduate. The tracts from the ally less acces- Ohio native memory of Lennon’s genius. The most recent case is sible than its doppelganger, but repeated listenings bear and former Counterpart tackles life after Penn with this Acoustic, a collection of thirteen minimalist demos and out the success of Wainwright’s artistic risks. Kanye West-produced offering of tuneful, slow-burning three live recordings from assorted phases of his post-Bea- No active pop composer crafts harmonic structures as jams that, while closer kin to D’Angelo than to Al Green, tles career. Familiar charges of greed and poor taste aimed arresting and original as Wainwright’s. Saturated with suggest that Legend is a prime candidate to succeed Don- at his widow surrounded the albums release, some almost Baroque and Classical canons, he simply does not fit inside ald Trump as our most overexposed graduate. loud enough to obscure this unique look into a gigantically the predictable limits of the singer-songwriter. The best Legend’s talent is indisputable—he wrote or co-wrote inventive mind. example is “The Art Teacher,” propelled by a nervous chord every song in addition to playing virtually all keyboards Lennon’s vocal and compositional abilities always over- progression that at once evokes the past and future. While (and there are a lot of them). The lead single “Used to shadowed his technical skill as a guitarist. Accordingly, his he can still write a good chorus, intricate songs like “Peach Love U” is propelled by one of the best hooks in recent best songs were concise musical statements with no use for Trees” and “Waiting for a Dream” make conventional song memory, and the subtle infidelity tale “She Don’t Have To self-indulgent acrobatics. Stripped to their essence, the se- structures seem obsolete. Know” bests R. Kelly’s now-ironic “Down Low”. On “Ordi- lections on Acoustic demonstrate why some entries in the Still a first-rate mumbler, Wainwright’s boozy tenor nary People”, Legend holds his own for nearly five minutes Lennon catalog are immortal while others have been bur- creates a palpable mood despite obscuring more than a with nothing but a piano and his simmering voice, forever ied by time: “God” and the live “Imagine” are more beauti- few lyrics. Nevertheless, one does not need the assistance answering any accusations of phoniness. The peak is “Let’s ful for their sparseness, while “John Sinclair” and “Woman of the printed words or the accompanying photographs Get Lifted Again”, a psychedelic, dreamlike come-on in is the Ni**er of the World” lack the melodic strength to of the artist dressed as a rustic peasant girl to recognize which Legend struts a falsetto that would make Chris Mar- overcome their gauche social commentary. his blunt statement of sexuality in Want Two. “The Art tin jealous. Although 2Pac will probably be remembered as our Teacher” describes a woman’s lifelong crush on a childhood The most frustrating thing about contemporary R&B is most prolific source of posthumous releases, the twenty- art teacher in the first person. In “Gay Messiah” he earns that it resembles the blues less and less every year. Its best four singles and full-length albums of Lennon material his Parental Advisory label with the boast “No it will not artists tend to be the best students of the music that gen- since his 1980 assassination make the completist’s task in- be me / Rufus the Baptist I be / No I won’t be the one / erated it. How Legend fares in this respect is difficult to timidating. The more casual fan will be happier with one Baptized in cum.” determine at this point—he has the writing and perform- of the conventional anthologies, but those acquainted with But the record is buoyant enough not to drown in its ing chops to stay around for a long time, but now has the Lennon’s fully orchestrated work should find Acoustic’s themes. While Wainwright has (wisely) declined to seek a burden of proving that his creative well is deeper than just rawness poignant and illuminating. Concerning greed, mass audience, it would be tragic if he were pigeonholed as one album. The answer to this question will depend on Ms. Ono’s generous inclusion of each song’s chord chart a “gay artist” since his music speaks to the entire spectrum how well this promising Renaissance man has internalized and corresponding guitar fretboard diagrams in the CD of lovers and losers. Want Three is unlikely, but until this the work of his predecessors. booklet makes her OK by me. young master takes his next innovative step, Conor Oberst Grade: B+ Grade: B and John Mayer have plenty of dust to eat. James Houston is a senior in the College. You can write to him at Grade: A- jhouston@sas. REPORT CARD Continued from PAGE 1 Okay, I’m basked. Onto what’s new! As you may know, Wickedly Perfect (CBS): Woman tries to be Martha mid-season is the time of year when the networks roll out new Stewart, fails because she isn’t evil. Not the worst thing to fore NBC’s The West Wing, but on the WB it barely registers. shows that didn’t quite make the Fall schedule. This doesn’t hit reality TV since William Hung, but not watershed by any Christine Lahti is magnificent. The stories tend to plod on a necessarily mean they are worse than the Fall’s shows… but means. bit, and the act breaks are hardly enthralling, but the show there was something that needed tweaking. So, things were Committed (NBC): Man and woman are insane, make has stayed as far away from the teen drama mold as it could. tweaked, whether it’s casting or the script. Many shows have inappropriate/insensitive jokes to laugh-track. Really Last viewers saw, about a month ago, Jack was assaulted already premiered, so I’ll just go over the basics. could’ve been much better. Scrubs deserves a better lead- in an alley while a voiceover compared the event’s effect on Medium (NBC): Woman sees dead people, reads minds, out. Bobby—the President of the USA in the mid 21st century—to has children, helps solve crimes. And it’s funny! This show’s Family Guy (FOX): Returns May 1st. Yes, that’s an offi- the nuclear bombing of Chicago. That’s retrospect for you. big Monday numbers have saved NBC from its near-terminal cial date. You’ll be seeing tons of repeats on FOX for a while. Speaking of retrospect, why was this show off the air for over velocity descent. I can’t freakin’ wait. two months? Numb3rs (CBS): Man knows math, solves crimes for Los Not all is “right” in my ideal television world—a world Avoid Angeles FBI by using big, thick, juicy brain. It’s like CSI with that has become much more time-consuming now that 24 The Mountain: Cancelled due to being the lowest rated math! Math is fun to watch! Oh, wait, it isn’t. Stick to the and Alias are back and more popular than ever—but the pic- show on network TV. original, not this CSI-clone. Bad, CBS, very bad. You’re over- ture is certainly looking brighter (and it’s not just the contrast Clubhouse: Cancelled due to being too pristine, and an in- doing the crime procedural. adjust function on the remote). Hopefully viewers will find ability to attract young viewers to CBS for a non-CSI show. Jonny Zero (FOX): Man leaves jail, tries to start a new life, Veronica Mars and Jack & Bobby. Jewish-Christmas—no, dr. vegas: Cancelled for worse ratings than the show in its winds up helping those in need. Really could’ve been good, not Chrismukkah—might come again for me, and the bevy timeslot last year… which was also cancelled. but it’s just flash sans substance. I don’t believe for a micron of reality shows the networks continue to offer up will fail as Father of the Pride: Cancelled for being too expensive and these people are “street” or even approaching destitute. miserably as the Fall’s attempts at new franchises. With the not funny, as well as dropping over half of the viewers from Point Pleasant (FOX): Girl washes up on New Jersey quick cancellations of The Will and Who’s Your Daddy, I’m its premiere. shore, has strange abilities, may be connected to the apoca- hopeful. I’ve got my TiVo’s Season Pass Manager so busy I Hawaii: Cancelled for skewing older viewers, and being lypse. Very cryptic and religious. Won’t be around for anoth- can’t even think of an appropriate simile. Happy tubing! against Lost. er year, but it’ll be a pretty ride while it lasts. Not as snarky as LAX: Moved to Hawaii’s spot after Hawaii’s cancella- I’d expected from Marti Noxon, but full of pathos. As many tion. Was promptly cancelled. All will perish before Lost. things are, it’s worth watching to see/hear the Danny Elfman Robert Forman is a junior in Wharton. You can write to him at Except American Idol. penned opening credits. robertf@wharton. Your Ad Here. Full Page — 16” x 10” • Daily Pennsylvanian rates too expensive? Half Page — 8” x 10” • Want an advertisement for an entire week instead of only one day? Quarter Page — 8” x 5” Business Sized — 2.3” x 5”

First Call, the Undergraduate Magazine, offers a number of ad sizes E-mail [email protected] for information on prices, to recruiters, businesses, university organizations, and student groups. policies, and publications dates. THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | JANUARY 24, 2005 VOL. V NO. 10

RESOLVED: LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX BY THUY TRAN WELCOME BACK FROM A happy break! If you are any- I will be creative. have a handle on the topography of the vagina. Otherwise, it thing like me, you have probably broken all of your New Let us marvel the human body and acknowledge parts will be a boring and bumpy ride. Year’s resolutions, or at least attempted to justify your lack of worthy of attention. People make the mistake of executing self-discipline. There is a reason behind your inability to be sex as a union of mammalian gonads. However, sex should I will take my time to execute my plans properly. resolved: you have not deciphered the ulterior motives behind never be limited to satisfying your hot-n-bothered groins. Your loins are on fire. You are rapidly removing the boxer your own resolutions yet. Instead of keeping our sex lives PG-13, we should slap a butt or unhooking the bra because of the intensity of your horni- With simple translations, you can unlock the secrets be- cheek and scratch a back. Get sex toys to spice things up and ness. You feel that this conflagration of the loins won’t douse hind your resolutions: borrow a UPS uniform for good o’ role-playing. Ditch the until underwear is flung to the four corners of the room and “I will lose weight” means “I want to look better naked.” missionary style, and try a new position for a change. Refer bodies are thrusting. “I will be nicer to those around me” means “I want to in- to the marionette sex scene in Team America if you’re looking Hey, slow down buddy! Before you begin the feast, you crease my chances of getting laid.” for ideas. should start with appetizers. Foreplay should always be the “I will maintain a healthy social life” means “I want to prelude to penetration. Foreplay should never be limited to stop masturbating alone every night to the cheap 7-eleven I will be more confident. oral sex though. For starters, give a back massage, whisper porn that I hide under my mattress.” People shy away from adventurous sex tricks and fail to dirty thoughts, and bite erogenous zones. In other words, your goal is sex. unleash their sexual fantasies. Unfortunately, we have forgot- However, you suddenly realized that you not only fail to ten that America is a great empire that entitles life, liberty, There you go: my first article on sex. Instead of discuss- keep the same mediocre resolutions year by year, but also fail and the pursuit of happiness to all citizens. Let us remember ing the social problems behind STDs, teen pregnancies, abor- to rectify the intimacy blunders in relationships. Luckily, I that our founding fathers struggled to establish a nation tion, morning after pill, pornography, and one-night stands, am here to help sex-deprived Penn students, who can’t resolve that promotes freedom of speech and freedom of sex. Don’t I poked fun at sex and offered you suggestions to be better to be naughty. Here are the top resolutions, translated for let shyness deprive you from fulfilling your sexual fantasies. in bed. It seems like STDs and teen pregnancy are the only your convenience: Drop the conservative front and set free the untamed sex things I hear about sex these days, be it in an informal discus- beast within you. sion with friends or in television programs. There is very little I will appreciate my friends. discussion about the intrinsic worthiness of sex. There is a After a frat brother or girlfriend has been good enough I will be an honest person. wholly undeniable sense of beauty to sex that should not be to go down on you, he/she deserves more than a pat on the Deceptive gratification always backfires. Faking an or- ignored. Sex is an act of unselfish love between two people head and a “that’ll do.” You should kiss your partner out of gasm out of sympathy leads to trouble in paradise unless you who share unadulterated love. Love pulls two people closer common courtesy. Even if you have reservations to the taste and your partner fail to work as a team. If you detect that he and closer until every inch of their skin touches one another. of your own bodily fluids, you can toss some Altoids in his/her is getting lost down south, you have to help the poor dude Without sex, great love would be nonexistent. direction. out! If your partner is having trouble maneuvering his rocket in unfamiliar territory, provide vital suggestions to help him Thuy Tran is a freshman in the College. You can write to her at [email protected]. SEX ON WHEELS ROZ PLOTZKER | SEX AND THE UNIVERSITY

“OKAY, HERE’S WHAT YOU Not that recovery is easy. For someone recovering from Retained ability depends mainly on the nature of the injury. DO. First he has to sit up a little trauma, there are feelings of embarrassment or inferiority Damage to the upper part of the spine— the cervical and up- bit, not all the way. Like, if your at first. Certain positions aren’t comfortable anymore, sexual per thoracic areas for you chiropractic fanatics, the neck and bed is against the wall, put a few self-esteem is out of whack, and sensation could be dulled or upper back for you English majors— leaves the ability to be- pillows at the edge so he can come erect or lubricated based on touching, also known as be propped up that way, or reflex erection, in both men and women. Injuries towards else tell him to lean on his el- the lower back, from the lumbar to the sacrum, leaves even bows, ya know? He should be more intact. Arousal based on either psychogenic stimuli at about a 30-degree angle. (fantasies about Selma Hayek) or reflex responses are pos- Anyway, then you get on top sible in both these situations. of him like you would normally, but since his body is kind I was a little surprised when I found this fun physi- of angled, you have to do more of a horizontal movement cal fact. Then again, there are even fictional characters instead of a vertical one. Back and forth, not up and down. that are paralyzed, as well as sexually active, as I found You want to use your hips a lot more than your legs.” She out when I recently saw Saved. The movie’s “cutest shifted her pelvis forward and back. Think Steve Urkel’s couple” was the sinners: a Jewish girl and Macauley victory dance. “That’s why it’s so great, because it puts less Culkin’s character paralyzed from the waist down. “I pressure on the knees. You know I have bad knees.” wonder if everything is paralyzed below his waist?” And that is how Lindsay explained being on top. We she wonders. “She is so into me,” he decides. Appar- have been friends since the eighth grade and have tran- ently, Culkin’s character was within the 80-90%, evi- scended the awkwardness of talking about sex positions denced by their openly active sex life later in the movie. with NASA-like precision. “Honey, honey, are you comfort- Even in Family Guy, Joe, a sexy cop and slightly annoying able? Do you have enough pillows? Wait. Let me get my supporting character, manages to please his wife. Okay protractor.” okay, he is a cartoon, but you get the idea. If there’s one Linds hated to be on top. She never would have thing I’ve learned from media, it’s that a sense of humor figured it out unless it was the only option. Luckily, she helps talking about the offensive, the taboo, and the awk- was involved with Will, who hurt himself that summer and ward. For instance, how to write about people in wheel- had to wear a halo to keep his neck in line, similar to the chairs having sex. contraption the Queen Bee in Mean Girls has to wear at There you have it. It’s possible. Sex is just another the end. Don’t worry, Will’s fine now. But for a few weeks, aspect of physical therapy. The fact that getting it on is he was bed ridden. He couldn’t do the missionary position, more private than playing tennis is probably why we don’t doggy style, or anything physically strenuous that involved hear about sexual rehab as much. The Special Olympics his spine. The 30-degree angle? The hospital bed. Lindsay is a well-known event; I doubt you can name one Special had bad knees, Will had a bad neck, and whether they liked Pornography star, even though I did find an article online it or not, it affected their sex life. At least Lindsay learned called “What Does your Partner Find Sexy about your Dis- something. ability?” There are obvious life conflicts for people with disabili- Sexual recovery, like any other kind of recovery, takes ties, and it’s easy to assume that sexual intimacy is included in nonexistent at first. The key is not regaining the skills lost to work, and in many cases, it can be frustrating, difficult, and the list. I did a little research online – www.sexualhealth.com a disability. Recovery means adapting to the current situation. almost unattainable. Despite all the hardship and woe, it’s was very informative – and found dozens of sexual issues re- Familiar products like the Position 3000, Exotic Imported comforting to know that, as we saw in Lindsay’s case, when lated to disability. Mainly, the term “disability” is much wider Tantric Sex manuals, and Ribbed for Her Pleasure Delux- there is a Will there is a way. than I expected. HIV, psychiatric illness, cancer, impotence, Super-Duper-Awesome Condoms are just a few examples of heart disease, autoimmune disorders, and arthritis were listed modification. among the more obvious medical barriers to sex such as pa- However, solutions are not necessarily as simple as pick- ralysis, stroke or other brain trauma, impotence, etc. Think ing up some prophylactics and a Kama Sutra book. How does about it. If all these ailments stopped people completely someone get sexual pleasure if a spinal cord injury has left NO from having sex, only several immaculate conceptions could feeling below the waist? Actually, 80 to 90% of people with account for the billions of humans roaming the Earth. Some- spinal injuries retain some sexual sensation and ability, i.e.: Ros Plotzker is a senior in the College. You can write to her at plotzker@sas. how, sexual rehab must be possible. able to become erect or lubricated, orgasm, and ejaculate.