Portland Pride 2008 Is Going to Bring. It. Oh Really?

PRIDE1

This year, Pride Northwest, Inc. has made quite the promise: Portland Pride 2008 is going to Bring. It.

Oh really? Well, the Mercury is going to Bring. It. On! Inside, check out our homage to the cheer-tastic  lm of the same name, featuring Portland’s brightest stars of the queer cheerleading squad (and their rivals, the anti-gay troupe). We’ve also got queers who bring it with guns, a head-to-head gay-off, and a polite request that certain gays stop bringing it, please. Plus: All the info you need to enjoy Portland Pride 2008, from the parade and waterfront festival EDITED BY AMY J. RUIZ to every dance night in town. You know what to do. PRIDE2

2 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE3

The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 3 PRIDE4

HP. Proud Sponsor of the Portland Pride Festival. hp.com/go/diversity

2008 Hewlett-Packard Development Company, L.P.

4 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE5

The BRING IT Manifesto BRO’s Next Battle… and How You Can Bring it, Too!

by Basic Rights Oregon

The BRING IT Manifesto be free to earn a living, and able to care for the ones we love. Can you hear the bells ringing? No, it’s not the sound of After 20 years of ballot measures designed to divide our state wedding bells (yet). It’s the sound of socially regressive vot- in two, we believe the time to BRING IT for equality is now. ers getting their wings! According to polls, bigotry is aging That’s why BRO championed two critical pieces of legis- out of the US population (in other words, the people who are lation in 2007. The Oregon Equality Act made it against the causing the most problems aren’t getting any younger). That law in Oregon to discriminate on the basis of sexual orienta- means that within 30 to 40 years, issues like gay marriage will tion and gender identity in housing, employment, and pub- be one big fat yawn. lic accommodations like restaurants. And the Oregon Family But Basic Rights Oregon (BRO) is not content to wait an- Fairness Act created domestic partnerships, so caring, com- other generation before lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgen- mitted couples can have the legal recognition they need to der Oregonians are guaranteed the same basic rights as other take care of each other. Together, these laws made Oregon an now would be a good time to ensure that citizens. We believe even better place to live, work, and raise a family. every Oregonian is safe and secure in our schools and com- BRO is working hard to BRING IT… munities. We believe now is an excellent time for all of us to

…because we have to keep what we worked so hard to get. Out-of-state anti-gay interests are hoping to put measures eldon theteams ballot in placeto repeal across Oregon’s the state, domestic but we’ll partnership need your and help anti- to get discrimination laws. BRO is ready to defend our laws with the word out. Sign up at basicrights.org to stay in the loop.

…because there is life outside of Portland! Along with state political action, BRO has begun to bridge the urban-rural divide. If we want to make lasting change, we have to be prepared to mobilize the LGBT community and allies from Baker City to Astoria. That’s why our 2008 public education program is taking the message of equality to rural Oregonians.

…because youth are the future… no, really. On college campuses around the state, BRO works closely with student organizations to prepare our future leaders. College is a time when most of us barely manage to bathe on a regular basis, let alone assume leadership of a political movement. But BRO identi es college/university students who are up to the challenge, trains them in public speaking and community organiz- ing, and puts them at the forefront of the movement.

…because white is not the only color in the rainbow. Thanks to the persistent efforts of community members who refuse to let things slide, BRO is committed to raising awareness of racial justice among staff and board members, the larger LGBT community, and our allies. As part of this work, BRO develops and presents trainings on dismantling racism and immigrant rights, sponsors gatherings by and for queer youth of color, and  ghting for racial justice. By listening and learning, teaching and doing, BRO supports networking opportunities for activists hopes to become a better ally and foster an atmosphere of greater inclusiveness and participation from all communities.

…because there is no “Equality” without the “T.” BRO is committed to ensuring that the voices, experiences, and concerns of transgender Oregonians are represented in our cing any letter in the alphabet soup just so the rest of us can have a seat at struggle for equality. We don’t believe in sacri  red from their job, evicted from their home, the table. That’s why Oregon’s nondiscrimination law ensures that no one can be or denied a table at a restaurant just because they’re transgender. Want to learn more? Look for our workshop “T Is Not for Tokenism” this summer.

…because we are stronger together. In 2004, our friends in the organized labor, choice, and immigrant rights movements stood side by side with us as we fought against Measure 36, the devastating constitutional amendment that excludes gays and lesbians from marriage in Oregon. In 2007, those same allies worked hard to help us pass our domestic partnership and anti-discrimination laws, and they will be there this year to defend our equality laws from attacks on multiple fronts. We know we are strongest when we work together toward a common progressive goal, and BRO is proud to join our allies this November in defeating anti-immigrant and massive prison spending ballot measures.

Basic Rights Oregon is proud to BRING IT for Oregon’s LGBT community everybasicrights.org day. Will you. join us and make our movement for equality even stronger? Visit us online at

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A philosophy of inclusion drives our organization every day, and allows us to excel in a global marketplace. We salute our Associates, Pride Northwest Inc. and its members who provide opportunities for equality — both within and outside the workplace.

Bank of America is proud to sponsor Portland Pride 2008.

6 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The OfficialWant theGuide hottest to Pride local June news? 14-15, Hit up2008 Blog Town, PDX every day! blogtown.portlandmercury.com PRIDE7

Double Entendres and the Second Amendment Hanging out with Portland’s Gay Rights Gun Club

by Matt Davis

“Most gun clubs are for men who like John Wayne or Charlton Heston. They’re for the pussy, football, and beer crowd,” says Pink Pistols mem- ber Steve Gilbert, as we’re taking a break from shooting on a sunny Saturday afternoon. “The dif- ference is, we’re more for the dick, shopping, and champagne crowd.” Gilbert’s statement is perhaps the most frank I’ve ever heard from a gun fanatic connecting shooting and cock, never mind double entendres like “going out with a loaded gun” or offering you the opportunity to “play with my weapon.” He’s candid and endearing, and I’m beginning to think MATT DAVIS I might see the point of his bizarre gay rights gun In other words: Most doing our shooting. Ark is wearing a Ark uses duct tape to put up group, after all. Portlanders are proud Pink Pistols T-shirt that says, “Pick the targets. The Portland chapter of the Pink Pistols is one they just elected a gay on someone your own caliber,” and “You know trannies use duct of over 50 similar and loosely af liated gay rights mayor, but wouldn’t be I ask if he feels safer carrying a gun tape to tuck it back,” says Gilbert. too concerned if our local with his concealed handgun license “They don’t use it to shut up, gun clubs around the country (pinkpistols.org)— gun fanatics were lined up in Portland. He says yes. that’s for sure,” says Ark. “At least and one just started in Canada. For the last two against a wall and shot. “Although you tend to avoid not the ones I’ve known.” years, 40 or so active members have marched Which is why I now realize situations where you might have to At this point I feel like lighting a the Pink Pistols are fuck- draw the weapon,” he admits. “I’d cigar or something to butch things in Portland’s Pride Parade, albeit without actu- ing wonderful, because rather be terrorizing paper targets up, but frankly I disagree with Freud ally carrying their weapons, thanks to safety con- they shoot holes through for the rest of my life.” about a cigar sometimes just being cerns expressed by the Portland Police Bureau. such narrow mindedness Ark got his .38 special snub- a cigar, and besides, I seem to have Yet to many people, me included, the principles of with glee. nosed revolver after being threat- left my humidor at home. I decide The Pink Pistols were ened while exiting a TriMet bus to shoot some guns instead. Doug gay rights and gun rights have always seemed at started in 2000, after gay in 2000. He’d just sold his Vespa has brought along his AK-47, paint- opposite ends of the political spectrum. I decided journalist Jonathan Rauch scooter, and decided to take up a ed pink and white, and covered in to challenge my preconceptions by going along. suggested on salon.com “safer hobby,” he says—he’s never stickers of pink hearts, butter ies, that gay men should arm seen anybody get shot, but has wit- and  owers. Luckily for my fragile EQUAL RIGHTS TO themselves following 21-year-old nessed plenty of Vespa accidents. straight ego, it  res just like any het- SELF-DEFENSE Matthew Shepard’s 1998 death by We met with Gilbert and four oth- erosexual gun might. beating in Wyoming. er Pink Pistols people at a McDon- “Well, I saw an AR-15 online Assuming all gay people should “There’s not a city in America ald’s in Beaverton. They were: Mike with pictures of Hello Kitty on it, be poodle-carrying, cigarette hold- where gay couples can hold hands Bowman, the group’s organizer and and I thought I could do better,” er-toting Noël Coward look-alikes is in public without fear,” wrote Rauch. a notary signing agent, and a guy he says. hardly politically correct these days, “Gay bashing is a kind of low-level called Doug who’d prefer not to give I also shoot a .357 Magnum, but it was a stretch, even for this terrorism designed to signal that, his last name, but who is a  irtatious a .44 Magnum with a hellish kick left-leaning libertarian, to imagine a whatever the law may say, queers version of Carl Reiner’s aging con (and a modi ed trigger so sensitive bunch of gay blokes shooting guns are pathetic and grotesque. Beyond artist character in Ocean’s Eleven. it  res when I fart), and two differ- together without thinking something a certain point, therefore, law can’t Doug brought his son, Mike, along, ent shotguns  ring cartridges  lled was out of place. be the answer.” who in turn brought his girlfriend, with birdshot, buckshot, and slugs. It turns out I was just being Rauch issued a call to arms, liter- Crystal—Pink Pistols is a pansexual We stop to talk politics: Everyone’s old-fashioned. ally, offering an idea he thought would organization. “We just want to make voting for Obama. Then Doug gives I wasn’t blind to the homoeroti- be a better deterrent to gay bashers sure everyone feels comfortable,” me the chance to shoot his deer cism in the language or iconography than bias crime laws. “Homosexuals says Ark. ri e, the noise and kick of which is surrounding guns. From Daniel Craig should embark on organized efforts Speaking of diversity, I was a very centering experience (as in, as James Bond to Rock Hudson to become comfortable with guns, somewhat surprised in McDonald’s it scared the shit out of me). in Giant, not to mention those two learn to use them safely, and carry when Gilbert whipped out a white I shoot Ark’s Yugo M-56 ri e, handsome cowboys in Brokeback them. They should set up Pink Pis- cane from under the table. and watch Bowman  re off 20 Mountain, there’s no doubt an ex- tols task forces, sponsor shooting “I can’t see the targets, anyway,” rounds from a GI combine with a cess of masculinity coupled with the courses, and help homosexuals get he said. “I’m legally blind.” paratrooper stock. I also end up image of something hard and power- licensed to carry. And they should do Indeed, he’s the second blind smoking one of Mike’s cigarettes, ful stuffed into one’s trousers… well, it in a way that gets as much public- man in Oregon with a concealed and Doug makes a joke about the it’s always been there. It’s just that ity as possible,” he wrote. handgun license. I couldn’t wait to Englishman “wanting a fag.” Gil- Western culture (and by that, I really On re ection, I tend to agree with get back to Portland and tell every- bert does a surprisingly good job mean “me”) has always been more him. But I accept that the Pink Pis- one I’d been shooting with a gay of hitting all the targets, given that comfortable denying it. Then there’s tols’ philosophy isn’t for everyone. blind man! he can’t see them. Then it’s time to the moral contortionism of the aver- head home. age Portlander (which I sometimes SOMEWHERE IN THE GUN TALK All in all, once the shooting got share, but which you might describe TILLAMOOK FOREST started, it felt just like shooting on as liberal fascism), and which I think Once we arrive at our range, the range in the basement at the is more about being closed minded “The point is to show people that we set up a table with an awful lot Portland Police Bureau, something when it comes to granting others the all of us believe the world would be of guns on it, and some targets, I got to experience when I went right to live as they choose. a safer place if people knew about both at close range and about 50 through the city’s Citizen’s Police “In Portland people want to be  rearms and shot  rearms,” says yards away. Academy last fall [“Spread ’Em,” liberal, which means they’re into J.J. Ark, a bisexual systems admin- “What do we have by way of ear Feature, Dec 13]. But if I had to the gun-control thing,” says Gilbert. istrator for a progressive left wing protection?” asks Doug. choose a bunch of people to hang “And so gay people are often con- web host on the East Coast, as he’s “I try not to say muffs in case out with while reloading, I’ll be hon- sidered traitors when they’re inter- driving me out to a logging road in there’s a lesbian around,” says est: The Pink Pistols would win the ested in guns.” the Tillamook Forest where we’ll be Gilbert. contest, hands down. ■

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Laura Calvo Brings it Every Damn Day Meet the 2008 Spirit of Pride Winner

by Catherine Cole

GLBT Caucus, treasurer of developing  eld with openings. She quickly belongings were stolen. She was still healing the Multnomah County Dem- became a paramedic and worked during one from her accident when her property was re- ocrat Party, regional director of the most tumultuous times in San Francis- covered. Within that property were some pho- for the National Stonewall co’s history. She operated one of the city’s 11 tos and other identifying objects that revealed Democrats, and the secretary ambulances during the Harvey Milk campaign Calvo’s secret femininity. That was enough of the Democratic Party of and was on duty both when he was assassi- information for the sheriff’s of ce to deter- Oregon’s third congressional nated and when Dan White was convicted on mine she was un t to return to work. She was district—and those are just the “Twinkie defense.” forced into early retirement in 1995. her more consistent positions. There were massive riots, and things just The next few years were some of Calvo’s She’s active in neighborhood kept getting more and more crazy on the job, lowest. She struggled with depression and groups, and will volunteer to while simultaneously her con icted feelings of alcoholism, and there was no legal recourse coordinate a bene t party gender identity were becoming more and more for what she had been through. when the need arises (such pronounced. “I felt like a stretched-out sweater Then Basic Rights Oregon called. They as when the Hillary Clinton that didn’t quite go back to the way it should had heard her story and asked if she’d be campaign wanted an event  t,” she says. Her solution was to relocate. interested in testifying in front of the Oregon speci cally for the gays, and She had a friend who’d moved up to Grants legislature in support of the antidiscrimina- Calvo whipped one together Pass, Oregon, and after visiting him Calvo de- tion Senate Bill 786. at the Egyptian Room). cided to stay. The Rogue Valley offered the so- “That’s when I  rst met her,” says Thorpe,

JASON KINNEY And let’s just get this out lution she thought she was looking for: peace, “and even though she’d never told her story Two things become quickly apparent when in the open: She’s a Latina quiet, and trees. publicly before, there wasn’t a dry eye in the you get to know Laura Calvo. She’s involved and lesbian transwoman in her 50s. She’s also the She began to build her seemingly perfect life. hearing room—she was so powerful and so she’s loved. Friends and acquaintances beam recipient of this year’s Spirit of Pride Award— Within a month of moving, she was hired by the courageous.” at the mention of her name and they’ll volunteer Pride Northwest’s top honor—and is looking Josephine County Sheriff’s Of ce. Over the next “I was the only transperson who testi ed,” anecdotes about her without any prodding. forward to riding on the stagecoach during the 16 years she kept moving up and up in her job. Calvo remembers. That’s when the political “Laura has taken Portland by storm,” says Pride Parade. “I was on the SWAT team; worked in narcotics; I light really turned on. She recalls thinking Roey Thorpe, director of state services for the How’d Calvo become such a local leader? did pretty much everything for the sheriff’s of ce to herself: “You know, we really need to get Equality Federation (and former executive direc- Rewind 30-some-odd years to the ’70s there was for me to do,” she pauses and smiles. more people involved in this!” tor for Basic Rights Oregon). “You can’t go any- when she was living full time as a man in her “I was Deputy of the Year one year.” The barn doors were kicked open that where without meeting people she knows!” hometown, San Francisco. She  nished her Despite her professional success, her true day, and haven’t closed since. Hearing Calvo go through her schedule (with high-school diploma at a community college identity kept eating away at her. She began to “I’m advocating for people to respect the help of her trusted BlackBerry) is like listen- and was attracted to the stability and discipline “cope” with it by cross-dressing in secret and each other. Every day I wake up and there’s ing to a Democratic Party newsletter freckled of law enforcement. went as far as renting a storage unit (in another more work to be done,” she says. On her with the letters LGBT. The terms “co-chair” and “It’d be something I could cling to,” Calvo county, no less) for her female identity. Then the list of goals right now? Campaigning for Jeff “committee” are in her daily vocabulary. says. “I was looking outside of myself to identify shit hit the fan. Merkley, spurring “political activism by trans Take a deep breath and try to say the fol- myself rather than being true to myself.” A police dog attacked her (she still has hel- people,” and vying to be a delegate at the lowing sentence without pausing for air: Calvo is At the time, she was too young to be- lacious scars on her leg to prove it) and her Democratic National Convention. the treasurer of the Democratic Party of Oregon come a cop and emergency medicine was a storage unit was broken into. Her feminine And that’s how she does it. ■

Bring on the Pride Coaching the Next Generation

by Kathryn Martini

My three daughters didn’t choose their expression and my oldest daughter answered, our signs; the girls carried them, holding them lesbian mother—they weren’t even born into a “Why would we care about that?” This answer high and proud for everyone to see. They lesbian household. My three daughters “came brought more relief than surprise; they needed cheered for equality, they cheered for their out” as children of a lesbian woman when I no coaching—their united attitude was the ul- lesbian mother, and they cheered for their came out myself—the girls were seven, nine, timate example of teamwork. family and other families like ours. and 11—and I was 35. It is safe to say that the My relationship grew and soon we dis- When our small town faced a middle school western suburbs of Portland are not known cussed blending our family and building a controversy—one involving a banned play, in for great diversity, and my girls’ previous ex- life together—all five of us. My daughters which there was a character presumed to be posure, knowledge, and contact with anyone again rose to the occasion, accepting and gay—we were once again called into action. I gay was minimal to none; we had no gay rela- loving my partner as if she has always been honestly explained to them the reasons that tives, no gay neighbors, and only one set of a part of our lives, never once expressing certain people were bothered by the content. gay friends. Despite this obstacle, the girls ac- anything but affection and admiration for They answered, “That’s just stupid.” They KATHRYN MARTINI cepted the news with ease and saw it through her. Suddenly, over a short span of time, my watched as I did my duty to both of my com- my goal to teach them to think critically and the innocent and nonjudgmental lens of mod- children who were once part of a quintes- munities—the suburban community in which stand up for the values of acceptance, kind- ern young ladies. sential nuclear, suburban family were now I lived and the GLBTQ community to which I ness, justice, and equality. I attempt to guide Our collective coming-out experience did the epitome of divergence. belonged. I wrote letters,  elded phone calls, them to information while acknowledging my not happen overnight—it was gradual and The context of marriage for them was very and attended school board meetings in an at- bias in order to give them the opportunity to natural with no drama or sudden realizations normal and they referred to us in this way; I tempt to bridge the two together. decide what their young minds are able to dis- that required serious conversations or profes- would explain to them that we aren’t allowed I almost cried when my daughter, a student cern. Sometimes my bias is very heavy and sional intervention. Only when I became se- to get married and why. When it looked as at the middle school, came home to tell me very loud—but my respect for them and their rious about dating my now-wife did it seem though we would be given the right to do- that she spoke to the school counselor and individual thinking is just as fervent. appropriate to bring my sexuality into the fore- mestic partnership in Oregon we were all ex- asked how she and a few of her friends could Whether we realize it or not, we are all ex- front of their thinking. I would never hide who I cited for this recognition of our union and our start a diversity group. Since then, support amples to the next generation; they observe was, and I didn’t intend on hiding my relation- family. When that was ripped away from us has come in from many organizations, includ- us and assimilate our teaching. They watch ship from my children or anyone else. And the at the 11th hour—we were all ready to stand ing Portland Parents, Families, and Friends of what we say and what we do, our tone and the timing was right. up in protest. Lesbians and Gays and Oregon Safe Schools manner in which we perform, our kindness to One day, while driving them home from The  ve of us trudged down to Terry to help start a Gay-Straight Alliance in Sher- others and how we stand for what is just and school, I explained to them that I wanted to Schrunk Plaza in the cold and in the rain on wood. My daughter will have a lot of strength what is right. They are being trained for the start dating someone and asked them how January 30, 2008 to Rally to Defend Equality. behind her when the time comes to  ght the games that will be played in the next season. they felt about this. I then asked how they It was game time—and we were there to have next battle. We are coaching the cheerleaders of would feel if the person I started dating was a our voices heard and our presence known. It has never been my goal to turn my three the future, and in their cheering us, we see a woman. They all looked at me with a confused “My Family Deserves Basic Fairness,” stated daughters into activists, but it has always been better world. ■

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The Anti-Gay Squad Will Oregon’s Haters Show Some Pride? Presents�

by Bryan Boyd

As Portland’s gay pride festivities loom on the horizon, and a large portion of our community plans to come together—be it only for a few days—what about Oregon’s anti- gay crowd? What are their plans for Pride? “I respectfully decline the offer to be interviewed for your publication,” Repre- sentative Kim Thatcher, co-sponsor of an initiative that would repeal Oregon’s new anti-discrimination law, wrote in response to my email inquiry. After many attempts to talk to those in charge of recent efforts to deny essential humanity to Oregon’s GLBT folks, no calls JACK POLLOCK were returned, so we're left to speculate the signature-gathering deadline looms), their on the whereabouts of the anti-gay cheerlead- chances of a queer-free utopia are dwindling A Week Of Pride� ers during Pride. My best guess is they'll be at each and every day. church on that  ne Sunday. (Though with all the When Oregon’s gay haters fail at collecting th th gays at Pride, one has to wonder who will be enough signatures yet again, at least they will June 13 – 14 2008� singing in their choirs.) be in the good company of former Oregon GOP While I can pretty much promise we won’t see Party Chair Kevin Mannix—who just scored his the likes of anti-gay spearheads like former State  fth failed attempt at public of ce. Maybe then Senator Marylin Shannon or Restore America’s they will get the hint that running on divisive David Crowe at the waterfront, you never know. principles simply doesn’t  y here in Oregon. After all, their number-one individual  nancial Though my calls and emails to the crazies may contributor, Glenn Zirkle, said, “Every time my life have gone unreturned—and those folks may be brushes up against someone else’s, I have an op- spending the day at church listening to sermons portunity to leave the fragrance of Christ.” about the gays destroying civilization, and cel- Pride certainly provides plenty of opportu- ebrating exaggerated memoirs from self-loathing Fri – Rainbow Party� nities to “brush up” against someone. I have a so-called ex-gays—we can take comfort in a feeling his “fragrance of Christ” smells like Drak- reminder from Restore America’s David Crowe, kar Noir. So if you smell it at Pride, run quick— sent out over his always-good-for-a-laugh email that may not be the Jesus you had in mind. list. He says we gays are in good company with Sat – Platinum Party� Maybe the anti-gay squad will make a sur- the “Oregon House controlled by Democrats prise appearance on the Fantasy Video  oat? who sold out to the sodomite community [and] They seem to have a fanciful notion that they’re embraced the pathetic with indiscriminate com- going to have the chance to rip apart the legal passion.” Maybe if we’re lucky, Crowe will send rights of Oregon’s gay and lesbian families. With us a little email to get our Pride day started right, three initiative petitions attempting to put Or- to go with our cup of coffee and sodomites. Sun – Beach Party � egon’s domestic partnership and anti-discrimi- See you all at Pride as we—to paraphrase nation laws on the November 2008 ballot cur- Crowe—hop aboard “the gay train to moral no- rently hung up in Oregon’s Supreme Court (as where.” Whoot! Whoot! ■ What Is This “It,” Exactly? And Where it Should be Brought

by Dan Savage Of all the stupid things that have fallen a party and Pride should be a celebration. But out of George W. Bush’s mouth over the last if we’ve learned anything over the last few de- eight years, “Bring ’em on” was perhaps the cades it should be this: Pride parades, T-shirts, most idiotic. jewelry, windsocks, and  ags just aren’t enough. When I heard that the theme for this year’s Like a Catholic that only makes it to mass on Pride festivities in Portland was “Bring it On,” I Christmas Eve, the queer that only makes it to didn’t  ash on that camp cheerleading movie. I the Pride Parade once a year may feel like he’s  ashed on Bush and the disastrous war in Iraq doing his bit, but he isn’t. and all the insurgents that accepted the presi- You wanna bring it, Portland? dent’s gracious 2003 invitation and brought it. You brought it to city hall—congrats, Sam— I  ashed on Iraq even though you’re bringing but you gotta bring it over to Salem and down to “it on” over Pride weekend in Portland, and not California for the gay marriage  ght this fall and rd “’em on,” as in Baghdad. to the ballot box this November to put an end to 318 SW 3 Ave� Now I realize that serving on the committee the right-wing war on gay and lesbians rights. that organizes parades and arranges for porta- Then you gotta send some of it—in the form of pottys and selects themes is a thankless task— money and moral support—to the beleaguered Portland, OR 97205� I’ve served on one and I have the emotional queers in Russia, where gays and lesbians can’t scars to prove it—so I don’t want to seem like march without being beaten in the streets, and to an ingrate or one of those Pride-Sunday-morn- Jamaica, where gays and lesbians are lynched ing quarterbacks. But the theme “Bring it On” with impunity, and to Gambia, where the presi- is… well, it couldn’t possibly have consequenc- dent is threatening to behead homosexuals (and Silveradopdx.com� es nearly so disastrous as “bring ’em on” (let’s two Spanish men, accused of being gay, were hope), but it seems just about as idiotic. arrested last weekend). What is this “it,” exactly, that we’re being en- Pride parades are great—I love ’em, maybe couraged to bring over Pride weekend? Bring I’ll see you there. But let’s not fool ourselves: �� our asses back to Pride? Bring our drag queens Pride should celebrate the work we did last out into the daylight? Bring our substance year and the work we plan to do this year. You abuse problems—the booze, the cigarettes, the want to bring something to Pride? Bring results. drugs—down to the waterfront? Bring your checkbook. Bring a commitment to Or is “it” something more? getting involved. Pride should be colorful and Pride should be Are you listening? Will you bring it? ■

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It’s a Gay-Off! A (Very) Scienti c Experiment Answers the Question: Who Is the Most Gayest?

by Will Gardner

In  tting with this year’s Pride theme, the scored high for Extreme and Color Me Badd Mercury decided to have two employees—Ed- (not to mention the Backstreet Boys and Alicia itor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey and Of- Keys). Current Score: Steve: 1, Brad: 0.  ce Manager Brad Buckner—“bring it.” Who is The following test compared the of ce gayer: Brad, a disheveled homosexual from Lin- spaces of the two. Steve did well in this cat- coln, Nebraska, or Steve, a  amboyant husband egory, achieving high marks for his posters of (to a lady) and father (not by arti cial insemina- Zac Efron and Ashlee Simpson, not to mention tion) from Gadsden, Alabama? Read on… a black-and-white photo of himself on his bul- letin board. Having painted his of ce walls a blu- HYPOTHESIS ish sea-foam ranked high, but it wasn’t enough Even if you are (like me) an expert on “homo- to topple Brad’s numbers. Although somewhat osity,” a referee enters all contests with precon- disorganized, Brad’s space was gay gay gay. ceived notions about the competitors (as we all Immediately, I noticed three publications: a witnessed during the 1983 Stanley Cup  nals). newspaper folded to bring attention to an ad for Thus, since I’ve known both competitors for the Blue Man Group, a Portland Monthly maga- years, I  gured I had these two fags pegged (so zine opened to a review of a “wine bistro,” and a to speak). Crate & Barrel catalog. Further, a male’s phone Brad, essentially a slob with his untucked number tacked to one of his walls and a ma- shirt and untrimmed goatee, is so not-gay that genta mouse pad on Brad’s desk overwhelmed he’s  aming. On the other hand, Steve is so fag- the framed photo of David Hasselhoff behind gy you’d think he’d sprung from Judy Garland’s Steve’s desk. Current Score: Steve: 1, Brad: 1. loins. My prediction: Steve is so gay, he’s not Then came the underwear exam. Brad’s gay. While Steve is busy pastelling everything collection included briefs from American Ap- from his new Miata to his meticulously mowed parel—in light blue and dark blue—as well as ear hair, how can he possibly  nd time to lick numerous boxer briefs. Steve, favored in this other men’s assholes? Thus, I will prove that category, easily triumphed. Not only were all Brad is more of a knob-gobbler. of his pieces tight pastel-y nylon briefs, but featured homoerotic phrases on the front SCIENTIFIC PROCESS (such as “Home of the Whopper”) and on the The competition hinged on four different back (“Fools Rush In... So Why Don’t You?”). “events”: a comparison of the participants’ Current Score: Steve: 2, Brad: 1. record collections, assessments of their work- It all came down to the quiz. I formulated a spaces, an evaluation of their (hand-selected) two-part written test, compiled from my vast gayest underwear, and a homo quiz. Should knowledge of Homo Language and Literature a tie arise, the decision would be made via a (Vassar College, MA, ’74). The  rst part dealt “Tossed Salad-Off,” of ciated, of course, by with traditional gay culture: Cher, Spice Girls, yours truly. and America’s Next Top Model. The second, also traditionally gay culture: facial hair, rim THE TESTS jobs, and sports teams. (Turn to page 15 and With the exception of the homo quiz, very take the test for yourself!) Damn, this one was little of the experiment involved interaction with a squeaker (or squealer?), coming down to the subjects. Rather, I simply observed their one point. And, with a score of 24 to 23, Steve behavior, assessed their surroundings, and emerged victoriously on this test. Moreover, he scrolled through their iPods. extended his lead over Brad in the whole gay The  rst test involved an examination of their scheme of things. music collections. Brad received gayness points Final Score: Steve: 3, Brad: 1. on his inclusion of Aimee Mann, Amy Wine- house,se, Edith Piaf,Piaf, andand Of Mon-Mon- CONCLUSION treal.l. AsAs itit turnedturned out,out, though,though, AsAs it turns out, thinthingsgs are how they seem. Steveve swept Brad off his lilightght Steve’s limp wrist and hhisi high-pitched twang loafers.ers. Trouncing his adver- do translate to beinbeingg momorere  aming than the Hin- saryy by eight gay points, Steve ddenburg.enburg. FFurthermore,urthermore, as is commonly known, Steve’s über-gayneüber-gaynesss also translates into his dick beibeingng con considerablys larger than BBrad’s.rad’s. I Inn concconclusion,lusio although my hy- potpothesishesis was incorincorrect,re I thankfully never had to endure ttheh “Tossed Salad-Off.” (Unless, o of course, the Mercu- rry’s adorable art director, Mark, would like to participate?) ■

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The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 13 PRIDE14

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14 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE15

Queer Quiz Who is REALLY the Gayest of them all?

by Will Gardner

The following test (the same one taken by both SECTION TWO Brad and Steve) is in two parts. The  rst con- 1. Which male athletic team is most often in sists of “factual” queries involving subjects that your fantasies? gays should be familiar with. For each, only one a. Football answer is correct. The second (also multiple b. Basketball choice) contains questions about your own c. Wrestling gay life. No answer in this section is incorrect, d. Water polo though each answer carries a different weight 2. Which part of the United States are you on the faggotry scale. Good luck, you big ’mo! from? a. Northeast/Great Lakes SECTION ONE b. South/Southeast 1. Which Cher song contains the following c. Midwest line: “Both sides were against me since the d. West day I was born.” 3. Whose facial hair pattern most resembles a. “Dark Lady” yours? b. “Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves” a. Gene Shalit c. “Half Breed” b. Paul Bunyan d. “Just like Jesse James” c. Colonel Sanders 2. Which actress has won the fewest Acad- d. Haley Joel Osment emy Awards? 4. Which cocktail would you most likely or- a. Glenda Jackson der at a bar? b. Shirley MacLaine a. Rum and coke c. Shelley Winters b. Jell-O shot d. Jessica Lange c. Peppermint patty 3. Which songstress has more US Billboard d. Bourbon on the rocks number-one singles? 5. Whose ass would you rather have on/in a. Christina Aguilera your face? b. Britney Spears a. Taye Diggs c. Kelly Clarkson b. Forest Whitaker d. Pink c. Leo DiCaprio 4. Which of these was NEVER named the d. Christopher Meloni winner of America’s Next Top Model? 6. How many times (since your 20th birth- a. Eva day) has a human male’s cock been in your b. CariDee mouth? c. Toccara a. Fewer than 10 times d. Yoanna b. 11-25 5. Which Spice Girl is the oldest? c. 26-50 a. Sporty d. More than 50 b. Posh 7. Add one point for each time you have c. Ginger attended a  gure-skating competition, a d. Scary cheerleading competition, or a high school

musical (when you weren’t in high school).

repression makes one’s sphincter quiver for cock. for quiver sphincter one’s makes repression

steamers.” As for the South, the meshing of gin and and gin of meshing the South, the for As steamers.” (7) This one is self-explanatory. is one This (7)

call them “Kansas City bowties” and “Sioux City City “Sioux and bowties” City “Kansas them call ity” outweighs “displaced aggression” in this case. case. this in aggression” “displaced outweighs ity”

publications. And, after all, there’s a reason why they they why reason a there’s all, after And, publications. c-  “scienti However, ain’t). fags (which show-off a

As a rule, Midwesterners write letters to gay male male gay to letters write Midwesterners rule, a As “d.” “More than 50” seems to me like the answer of of answer the like me to seems 50” than “More “d.”

two points points two I originally believed that “c” should earn more than than more earn should “c” that believed originally I

(2) a. one point; b. three points; c. four points; d. d. points; four c. points; three b. point; one a. (2) four points points four

over 6’ 6”. 6’ over (6) a. one point; b. two points; c. three points; d. d. points; three c. points; two b. point; one a. (6)

dream about being gang-banged by a group all all group a by gang-banged being about dream nitely be “d.” be nitely  de most would it tion,

their uniforms). Thus, you’ve got to be gay to day- to gay be to got you’ve Thus, uniforms). their ain’t). If there were a “correct” answer to this ques- this to answer “correct” a were there If ain’t).

players are not appealing whatsoever (especially (especially whatsoever appealing not are players is so so sweet, is somewhat predictable (which fags fags (which predictable somewhat is sweet, so so is

to fantasize about that. On the contrary, basketball basketball contrary, the On that. about fantasize to really male; an answer of Taye Diggs, though his ass ass his though Diggs, Taye of answer an male; really

fucking thing on earth, so you don’t have to be gay gay be to have don’t you so earth, on thing fucking ALLY like to eat men’s asses. DiCaprio’s ass isn’t isn’t ass DiCaprio’s asses. men’s eat to like ALLY

Obviously, a male water polo team is the hottest hottest the is team polo water male a Obviously, To eat Forest Whitaker’s ass means that you RE- you that means ass Whitaker’s Forest eat To

one point one three points three

(1) a. three points; b. four points; c. two points; d. d. points; two c. points; four b. points; three a. (1) (5) a. two points; b. four points; c. one point; d. d. point; one c. points; four b. points; two a. (5)

SECTION TWO SECTION not entirely) homosexual. Thus, three points. three Thus, homosexual. entirely) not

rocks is what I order and I’m substantially (though (though substantially I’m and order I what is rocks

Scary, 1975; Sporty, 1974 Sporty, 1975; Scary, to licking Stanley Tucci’s taint. Bourbon on the the on Bourbon taint. Tucci’s Stanley licking to

(5) c. Ginger. Ginger was born in 1972; Posh, 1974; 1974; Posh, 1972; in born was Ginger Ginger. c. (5) straight; drinking a peppermint patty is tantamount tantamount is patty peppermint a drinking straight;

Cycle Seven; Yoanna won Cycle Two Cycle won Yoanna Seven; Cycle coke is too unimaginative to be anything but “kinda” “kinda” but anything be to unimaginative too is coke

(4) c. Toccara. Eva won Cycle Three; CariDee won won CariDee Three; Cycle won Eva Toccara. c. (4) shot has only one thing in mind—pussy. A rum and and rum A mind—pussy. in thing one only has shot

Marmalade”); Britney: one; Kelly: one; Pink: zero Pink: one; Kelly: one; Britney: Marmalade”); Au contraire, a man who (proudly) orders a Jell-O Jell-O a orders (proudly) who man a contraire, Au

Hot 100 number one singles (including “Lady “Lady (including singles one number 100 Hot board One might presume that a Jell-O shot is the gayest. gayest. the is shot Jell-O a that presume might One

Bill- US four has Ag” “The Aguilera. Christina a. (3) three points points three

) Endearment of Terms (for (4) a. two points; b. one point; c. four points; d. d. points; four c. point; one b. points; two a. (4)

has won two; MacLaine, however, has only won one one won only has however, MacLaine, two; won has (even if they wear none), are gay. are none), wear they if (even

(2) b. Shirley MacLaine. Each of the other actresses actresses other the of Each MacLaine. Shirley b. (2) All men, no matter how their facial hair is arranged arranged is hair facial their how matter no men, All

(1) c. “Half Breed” “Half c. (1) four points four

SECTION ONE SECTION (3) a. four points; b. four points; c. four points; d. d. points; four c. points; four b. points; four a. (3) Scoring Your Queer Quiz! Queer Your Scoring

The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 15 PRIDE16

Waterfront Entertainment

MAIN STAGE Saturday, June 14th Portland Pride 12:30-1:30pm Pet Parade 1:30-1:55pm Japanese Taiko Band 2008 Information 1:55-2:10pm Speaker: SMYRC 2:10-3:15pm Fleetwood Mac Tribute Parade: Steps off from the North Park than their own personal possessions. 3:15-3:30pm Speaker: OUR HOUSE Blocks at 11 am, Sunday, June 15. • No person shall engage in conduct Parade continues east on NW Davis, that disrupts or interferes with the 3:30-4:30pm Soul Vax south on NW and SW Broadway, east normal operations of the festival site, 4:30-4:45pm Speaker: BLACK PRIDE on SW Taylor, and north on SW Naito, its participants, exhibitors, vendors, or 4:45-5:45pm Rose City Sirens ending at Tom McCall Waterfront Park. performances, or engage in conduct Grand Marshal: Basic Rights Oregon that disturbs volunteers, contractors, 5:45-6:00pm Marcy Kraft as Bette Middler Festival Hours: Saturday, June 14, noon participants, or public visitors. This 6:00-7:00pm The Big Package to 11 pm; Sunday, June 15, noon to 6 pm. includes, but is not limited to, conduct 7:00-7:15pm Speaker: Q CENTER Entrances: Please enter the festivities that creates unreasonable noise; at Tom McCall Waterfront Park at SW conduct that consists of loud or 7:15-8:15pm 3 Leg Torso Pine or under the Morrison Bridge. boisterous physical behavior; disruptive 8:15-8:30pm Sahara Dunes Suggested donation: $5. Donations behavior that causes other participants 8:30-10:00pm The Lady Miss Kier of non-perishable food items for Our annoyance or alarm; or the use of abusive, threatening, foul, and/or overly House of Portland are also encouraged. EMCEES Smoke-free policy: Smoking is loud language or gestures. The Parade Route prohibited on the festival grounds, • No person shall be under the infl uence 12:30-1:30pm Pet Parade (Emcee TBD) except in designated smoking areas or in possession of illegal or controlled 3:00-6:00pm Poison Waters (see the map, below). substances at the festival site. No 6:00-10:00pm Courtenay Hameister alcohol may be carried into, or out of, the S Pride Northwest, Inc. Participant W PA RK Conduct Policy: Pride Northwest, Inc. festival site. SW produces the Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Trans/ • No person shall bring weapons onto BR OA Sunday, June 15th DWAY Queer (LGBTQ) Pride Festival and is the festival site. the sole permit holder for the festival • Dogs must be restrained by a proper 1:00-1:20pm Portland Gay Men's Chorus site from Friday through Monday of Pride leash of fi ve feet or less. Animal waste 1:20-1:35pm Speaker: QUEER YOUTH AWARDS Weekend, inclusive. The festival site is is the responsibility of the handler and 1:35-2:30pm Kate Neal-Kritik Tom McCall Waterfront Park between must be properly disposed of in a waste the Mast and the Morrison Bridge. container. Lady Miss Kier 2:30-2:45pm Speaker: BASIC RIGHTS OREGON Pride Northwest, Inc. endeavors to • No sound enhancement or generating 2:45-3:45pm Eskimo and Sons ensure that all participants may enjoy devices are allowed except those that Best known as the kickass gal in the zip-up catsuit fronting 3:45-4:00pm Speaker: PORTLAND LATINO GAY PRIDE its celebrations in a safe, welcoming are specifi cally authorized in writing by environment. Therefore, all persons at the Pride Northwest, Inc. Deee-Lite and belting “Groove Is in the Heart” with wild 4:00-4:45pm Dirty Martini festival site must observe and maintain • No person may physically or verbally abandon, the Lady Miss Kier has since built a solid solo career 4:45-5:00pm Sabel Scities the following code of conduct: harass, abuse, threaten, or intimidate any DJing and making club-friendly ass rockers. (And if that ain’t 5:00-6:00pm Scream Club other person. enough, she’s also a staunch activist, speaking out against the • No person shall violate any federal, • No person shall refuse to comply with a EMCEES state, county, or city law, ordinance, rule, reasonable directive of Pride Northwest, war in Iraq, and sticking up for the environment and gay rights.) or regulation. Inc., its designated volunteers, or Check out her performance at Pride, and marvel at how her 1:00-3:00pm Sossity Chiricuzio • No person shall take, deface, damage, authorized contractors. sexy clubby dance singles will still make your booty fly into 3:00-6:00pm Sabel Scities or destroy any personal, private, or public • We reserve the right to turn away any property located at the festival site, other participant at our discretion. motion. Swear to god, you’re gonna gay-gasm! WSH CAFE STAGE Waterfront Map Scream Club Saturday, June 14th I’ll say it: Scream Club 1:00-2:00pm Onyx are the original genderqueer 2:15-3:15pm Nikki Jauron RESTROOMS RESTROOMS RESTROOMS BEVERAGES BEVERAGES hiphop-punk rock duo, whose 3:30-4:30pm Candy Strippers TEEN VOLUNTEER FIRST TENT 4:45-5:45pm Emily Herring TENT AID rough but glam style has SMOKING AREA RESTROOMS since been copied all over EMCEES the place. But these two— 1:00-5:45pm Splendora Cindy Wonderful and Sarah CAFE STAGE Adorable, of Olympia—did it first, and they do it best. Sunday, June 15th 1:00-2:00pm Ken and Dan “We sound like what would 2:15-3:15pm Ryan Mintz happen if Peaches and Mike D KID AREA 3:30-4:30pm Sophie Lux RESTROOMS ATM had a love child,” as they say RESTROOMS 4:45-5:45pm Malcolm Rollick themselves, and they are so right. They’ve spent the spring EMCEES touring the US; give them a big 1:00-5:45pm Splendora welcome as they bring it back home to the Northwest. AJR

16 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE17

Waterfront Entertainment

The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 17 PRIDE18

S P E C I A L PRIDE WEEKEND E V E N T

Saturday, June 14 | 3-4:30pm | Mega-Bingo with Miss Mylar The Pride fun continues as our very own Chicos Latinos host bingo with hostess Miss Mylar at the Men’s Wellness Center. There will be food and drinks, giveaways and all your favorite safer-sex fare. For more information on the Men’s Wellness Center & other monthly events: www.cascadeaids.org | 503.445.7699

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Stop by our booth at the Pride waterfront festival! Saturday & Sunday, June 14-15, 12-6pm

Special thanks to all our community members, partners, sponsors, and volunteers who have supported us in our important work.

18 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE19

Pride Festival Entertainment

3 LEG TORSO Etheridge CD at one point, and god, I know that (Main Stage) Thanks to a certain god-given en- doesn’t bode well—WHAT KIND OF UNHOLY dowment, “3 Leg Torso” was my nickname in TRINITY IS THAT—but when I say my mom high school, but it looks like some band ripped it would dig Dirty Martini, it’s not really a slam. If off for their name. (They ripped off my nickname, you gave Aimee Mann a backbone, this is what that is, not, you know… it.) According to their she might sound like; the best tracks off of their website, 3 Leg Torso performs an “eclectic syn- latest album, 2006’s Tea and Revenge (which thesis of chamber music, tango, klezmer, Latin, was produced by Dave Allen), feel like punchy and world music,” and while I know what you’re folk, with smart guitars and harmonized vocals thinking (“Oh, fuck—‘eclectic’? Oh, no! ‘World that’re at once pretty and intense. They also sell music’? SHIT.”), 3 Leg Torso isn’t half bad—think their CDs online, and… oh, shit. When’s Moth- of a jazzy sort of Gogol Bordello, minus Eugene er’s Day again? EH Hütz and plus a few bottles of NyQuil, and you’re pretty much there. ERIK HENRIKSEN EMILY HERRING (Café Stage) “Has Country Gone to Hell?” asks THE BIG PACKAGE Emily Herring, attacking the bible-thumping (Main Stage) If you’re looking for a special in- conservatism that’s affl icted not only the cur- vitation to open the Big Package—and grind rent state of country music but of the country yourself all over it—here it is. So pull that rib- in general. Herring twangs, plucks, and warbles bon and tear it open! Jump, jive, and wail to the like country singers of yore, gun-slingin’ her swing blues of this party band, who hustle and guitar with a clear-headed progressive attitude groove original material and cover songs. You’ll and the “don’t-mess-with-me” swagger of a true hear Chicago blues, Latin salsa, vintage swing, outlaw. Her brand of homegrown country pickin’ and brassy jazz in a retro-minded set that’s part defi nes America not just for the Red Staters, but sass, part swank, part faux, part fur, and all fabu- for every single one of us. NL lous. NED LANNAMANN ESKIMO AND SONS CANDY STRIPPERS (Main Stage) The delicate, gossamer folk of Es- (Café Stage) According to the internet, the Can- kimo and Sons offers more than initially meets dy Strippers don’t exist. (No MySpace page, the ear. Danielle Sullivan’s vocals are even more guys? Come on!) So your guess is as good as crystalline than the Innocence Mission’s Karen ours. Naughty nurses handing out Red Vines Peris, and the band’s arrangements are inven- and Kit Kat bars? A girl can dream! AH tively varied, allowing each song to gain muscle and potency as it progresses. Exploring emotion- COURTENAY HAMEISTER al, physical, and musical landscapes with subtle- (Main Stage Emcee) Congrats to the Pride ty and confi dence, Eskimo and Sons are one of Committee for making Portland’s own Courte- Portland’s best up-and-coming bands, and their nay Hameister a main stage emcee. Why? Be- gorgeous music possesses a true sense of hope cause she’s packing the gay juice, baby! As the and adventure—perfect for a celebration that em- delightful host/associate producer/head writer bodies both of those qualities. NL of Live Wire!, she not only interviews world- famous guests with wit and aplomb (attributes FLEETWOOD MAC TRIBUTE which gay folk know are a must), but she’s also (Main Stage) This cover band’s success de- an accomplished singer/performer, AND funnier pends on (a) how hot the Stevie Nicks imper- than a dog running down the street with a ham sonator is and (b) how hot the Stevie Nicks im- in its mouth (which gay people think is the fun- personator is. Also, I guess, (c) whether they’ll niest thing in the world). WM. STEVEN HUM- be playing “Stand Back,” “Dreams,” “Go Your PHREY Own Way,” “Say You Love Me,” “Never Going Back Again,” “Rhiannon,” “Stop Draggin’ My DIRTY MARTINI Heart Around,” “Gold Dust Woman,” and “Land- (Main Stage) “A blissful union of three of the slide.” Since this band is more about musical Pacifi c Northwest’s fi nest singer/songwriters, tribute than it is about appearances, there’s no Lara Michell, Stephanie Schneiderman, and actual Stevie Nicks impersonator, hence (a) and McKinley,” Dirty Martini is exactly the sort of (b) are basically fucked. Let’s just hope they can band my mom would fl ip her shit over. A bit of pull off (c) without acting like sourpusses. Seri- background: My mom likes Billy Joel and Bon- ously: No Stevie Nicks impersonator?! Sheesh. nie Raitt and I think I saw her with a Melissa MATT DAVIS

The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 19 PRIDE20

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20 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE21

Pride Festival Entertainment continued...

KEN AND DAN NIKKI JAURON (Café Stage) Dan Gaynor is a young’un—he’s in (Café Stage) Nikki Jauron, AKA Majesty, has been his late 20s—but that hasn’t stopped him from attacking the stages of Portland’s queer scene becoming one of the area’s most notable jazz pia- for some time now. Occasionally tearing up the nists. And Ken Ollis has an equally solid rep as a boards, Tom Jones style, as Cayman Dahottness, jazz drummer. Both play in the rhythm section of and sometimes shredding though heartfelt and the Portland Jazz Orchestra, and both will be jazz- honest emo-tinted folk-rock, Jauron has every- ing up (get it?) the Café Stage on Sunday morn- thing you’d like to have in a queer performer. Her ing, as folks fl ood in from the parade. Trust me, songs encompass politics, love, and identity with a little bit of jazz will be soothing after you went lyrical longing and tons of energy. There’s no tell- clubbing last night, and took that ’mo from out of ing what her performance might entail, but it is town home with you (bonus: if that sleepover pal sure to be a hell of a lot of fun for everyone. PAC is still on your arm, and you’d rather they weren’t, I bet feigning a profound love of jazz will take care ONYX of the problem). AMY J. RUIZ (Café Stage) Not to be confused with the Queens rap outfi t that produced Bacdafucup, Onyx is in KRITIK fact a 19-year-old drag performer from Beaverton, (Main Stage) One of the best things about specializing in lip-synching and dancing around SKELETON KEY Pride is all that freaky barrier breaking. Queer- the place to Lil’ Kim, Britney Spears, Shakira, and ness does not recognize fences, whether they the like. Our Onyx also boasts fl amboyant outfi ts are those of gender, sex, race, or genre. That’s and a “bob your heads to this, faggots” attitude TATTOO right—genre. Regard the proud, bombastic Kritik. that would probably make most hiphop artists Hailing from Boise, Idaho, she is a hard-drinkin’, proud (except, of course, they haven’t “reclaimed” rhyme-fl owin’, lesbian emcee. You might think the f-word). Bacdafaggotup! Sorry…that doesn’t that would be enough to set Kritik apart, but really work. But I hope you can see where Onyx first friday event add on the fact that she is a white emcee and might well be going with it. MD you have a barrier-breaking performer to top all barrier-breaking performers. Her beats are phat, PET PARADE JUNE 6 - 7PM her rhymes are unapologetic, and she’s an inspi- (Main Stage) Like Portland residents need an- ration for you to break your own damn barriers. other excuse to dress up their pets: Pets on Pa- PATRICK ALAN COLEMAN rade happens the day before the regular parade, and it was huge last year. So bring Fifi on down “CONNECTED” LADY MISS KIER to the waterfront, where everybody can use that by (Main Stage) See pg. 17 “What kind of dog is he?” line as an excuse to hit on you. DG MALCOLM ROLLICK BT LIVERMORE (Café Stage) Malcolm Rollick is a wearer POISON WATERS of silly hats and a player of folk ballads that (Main Stage Emcee) One of the better known (or are nice and un-boring. And she’s cute in notorious if you’re nasty) drag performers, Poison music by a way that only folk singers can be cute. Waters is Kevin Cook by day, and at night glit- DREW GEMMER ters across the city juggling numerous emcee DJ PRIMITIVA! and hosting gigs with regular appearances at MARCY KRAFT—BETTE MIDLER IMPER- that local hallmark of drag cabaret, Darcelle XV, SONATOR where she is known for being particularly exuber- ask about (Main Stage) The divine Miss Marcy Kraft may ant in her costumes (if you’re standing out for be a native of Portland, but she’s taken her your exuberant costumes among drag queens, DADS & ‘STACHE drag impersonation of the also divine Miss M you are holding it down). A familiar fi xture at Pride TATTOO SPECIAL (Bette Midler) around the world—and even had and Peacock in the Park, Poison Waters is said a seven-year residency in the famed “An Eve- to be responsible for the origin of the old saying, ning at La Cage” in Las Vegas’ Riviera Casino. “Everyone west of the Mississippi loves poison.” 1729 SE HAWTHORNE BLVD Now she’s back in PDX, and knockin’ ’em dead MARJORIE SKINNER at Darcelle XV’s on Friday and Saturday nights, PORTLAND but here’s your chance to see the drag queen PORTLAND GAY MEN’S CHORUS voted “Best Bette Midler Impersonator in Ve- (Main Stage) Founded in 1980 and still going gas” for free! For those who like their entertain- strong, the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus combines 503-233-4292 ment hot as a fi recracker, Marcy will be the wind a foundation of social activism and outreach with beneath your wings. WSH the harmonious sounds of more than 100 sod-

The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 21 PRIDE22

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22 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE23

Pride Festival Entertainment continued...

omites singing in sweet, sweet unison. With SAHARA DUNES a mission statement that pledges to “honor (Main Stage) Sahara Dunes describes herself and uplift the gay community and affirm the as a “burlesque performer,” which means queer worth of all people” (including women, who stripper, with more feathers and less clothes are welcome to participate in the organiza- taken off than the girls at Sassy’s. Dunes gener- tion), the PGMC is one local institution that ally removes elaborate, Southern-style outfi ts to well deserves all the love and support P-Town the likes of Shirley Bassey, Eartha Kitt, and Amy can spare. ALISON HALLETT Winehouse, right down to a pair of nipple tas- sels. But fear not: She’s crowd friendly, rather PORTLAND TAIKO than wince inducing, unless you happen to be (Main Stage) Taiko drums have been re- remarkably prudish. MD vered and beloved in Japan for hundreds of years, and taiko ensembles have flourished SCREAM CLUB worldwide since the 1950s. As to why Portland (Main Stage) See pg. 17 Taiko is part of this year’s Pride festivities— as they were last year—one can only imagine SOPHE LUX it’s because the exhilarating, epic beats that (Café Stage) Sophe Lux’s lead singer Gwyn- only synchronized taiko drumming can pro- neth Haynes has created a Tim Burtonesque vide supply the requisite grandiose enthusi- stage persona that can’t help but force people asm for the excitement of being queer! Right? to compare her to the seminal female scarester Eh? Anyone? Ah, screw it. I’ll be damned if I vocalist, PJ Harvey. Except Haynes is more play- know what Portland Taiko’s doing here. All I ful. Scratch that. She’s younger. That’s all I mean. know is I saw a Reading Rainbow once about And her band has embraced all the accordion- taiko, and LeVar? He totally seemed to dig playing cabaret irony (with synthesizers) of our it! And I wholeheartedly trust that guy. Hey, confused latter years, complete with Nietzsche speaking of queer pride and LeVar Burton, references and refl ections on God. Like PJ Har- there’s gotta be some gay fanfic about Geordi vey was in the ’90s, it’s music to stand in front La Forge out there somewhere, yeah? Excuse of and smoke and look clever, yet suffi ciently fun, me for a moment. EH fashion-conscious, and self-effacing to possibly have sex with afterward. What a diffi cult balance ROSE CITY SIRENS for Sophe Lux to strike. MD (Main Stage) The Rose City Sirens are an all- female, all-queer local burlesque troupe who SOSSITY CHIRICUZIO know how to move and aren’t afraid to show (Main Stage Emcee) Sossity Chricuzio is on top a little skin. In fact, they’re not afraid to show of the scene when it comes to queer Portland. An a lot of skin. For two years they’ve been heat- outspoken lady who is very comfortable in leather, ing up the E-Room with their popular choreo- she likes to think of herself as a “Diesel Femme,” graphed burlesque/vaudeville routines, and to- which is also the name of her one-of-a-kind cloth- night they’ll slink, saunter, and strut their way ing line. She also hosts and produces an X-rated across the Pride main stage. I’m pretty sure it’s open mic called Dirty Queer—which should give okay to stare. AH you a sense of her emcee style. You’ve been warned! DG RYAN MINTZ (Café Stage) If Pride starts to get too crazy SOUL VACCINATION with all the partying and free love, and you’re (Main Stage) Northwest jazz and funk troupe Soul feeling like you need some quiet time, head Vaccination are fronted by the awesome power- to the café stage for Ryan Mintz, a singer/ house voice of Jeannine “GiGi” Wiggins, who songwriter out of Boulder, Colorado, whose leads the brassy, swinging band through numbers influences include Jewel, and whose record is that mine familiar subject matter (“Love Maker”) titled Monkeys and Ice Cream. Awww… actu- as well as more serious modern crises (“Only So ally, some of his songs are quite funny, like my Much Oil”). It’s the kind of easily danceable music favorite, “Open Relationship” (“You and your that has a universal appeal whether you’re busy open relationship/you’re free and so modern getting down to the jams or pleasantly swaying to and all that shit”) and other slices of honesty it over a glass of beer. Many of the band members delivered through a voice that is oft compared have long resumes in the scene, and their confi - to that of folkie great Cat Stevens. MS dence with the material translates to polished live performances that buzz with good vibes. MS SABEL SCITIES (Main Stage) If you frequent the local drag per- SPLENDORA formance scene, there’s a fairly good chance (Café Stage Emcee) Splendora was the anar- that you’ve come across Sabel Scities, who’s chistic front-queen for the Sissyboys before they performed frequently at spots like Embers, disbanded last year. But you know that. You also where her tastes run from Janet Jackson num- know that watching Splendora emcee is like bers to a particularly energetic routine set to watching a beautiful car crash: a Mary Kay cos- Jimmy James’ “Fashionista.” With a giant plume metics truck repeatedly rear-ending a cement of bright red hair and frenetic diva dance floor mixer full of glitter. Yeah, something like that. I am moves, Scities, who aspires to someday be equal parts terrifi ed and elated by Splendora. Ter- crowned Miss Gay America, knows how to rifi ed because I don’t want to fall under the wicked light up the night and get the party started—so spell of her eyes and elated that I just might give if you’re looking for a good time, get in Sabel in to her. With Splendora at the microphone, the Scities’ zone. MS stage will be on fi re. PAC

The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 23 PRIDE24

24 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE25

Other Pride Events

autobiographical one-man show to Portland, 6/5 where he’ll take the stage to chronicle his life: Portland Latino Gay Pride 2008 Kick-Off “From East LA in the ’50s to New York’s Great Kicking off Portland’s Latino Gay Pride White Way in the ’60s and ’70s and back to celebration, Dan Guerrero—actor and writer Hollywood.” behind the documentary Lalo Guerrero: The Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, 8 pm, $22-28, Original Chicano—is in the house, and will 236-7253, latinogaypridepdx.com screen his  lm. Pleasure Boys Jupiter Hotel, 800 E Burnside, 7 pm, With DJ Nightschool, DJ Girlfriends, and Dee latinogaypridepdx.com Jay Jack. Queer Bait Eagle PDX Underground, 27 NW 6th, free, A tribute to Siouxsie Sioux, hosted by Splen- 241-0105, portlandeagle.com dora and Ignora, “with Fannie Mae Darling at QueerCore Youth Awards the door.” The Pride Foundation and the Equity Founda- Eagle PDX Underground, 27 NW 6th, $5, tion honor youth leaders. Plus: food and portlandeagle.com performances! Third Annual City Hall Pride Art Show Q Center, 69 SE Taylor, 2 pm, free, Featuring artwork by Horace Long, Romaine pdxqcenter.org Harris, Linda Kliewer, Paul Kliewer, Paul Fukui, SMYRC’s Queer Youth Prom Max Drake, and Paul Dahlquist. Open to the The Sexual Minority Youth Resource Center public. (SMYRC) annual prom is a don’t miss event City Hall, 1221 SW 4th, 5-7 pm, free for the 23-and-under set. This year’s theme is “Best of Goodwill”—which means a costume 6/6 contest, and prizes for the “most outrageous” ¡Gaytino! thrift store ensembles. Writer and performer Dan Guerrero brings his Q Center, 69 SE Taylor, 8 pm, 872-9664, autobiographical one-man show to Portland, smyrc.org where he’ll take the stage to chronicle his life: “From East LA in the ’50s to New York’s Great 6/8 White Way in the ’60s and ’70s and back to All-Ages Talent Show Hollywood.” Hosted by Maria and Poison Waters, and Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, 8 pm, $22-28, bene ting the Audra M. Edwards Scholarship 236-7253, latinogaypridepdx.com Fund. Idols and Icons Opening Reception Darcelle XV Showplace, 208 NW 3rd, 7 pm, $5 A collaboration between artists Chris Haber- darcellexv.com man and Richard Schemmerer. Family Pride Q Center, 69 SE Taylor, 6 pm, free, Music, games, crafts, and more—bring a light- pdxqcenter.org colored T-shirt for decorating! This event is Papis Dance Party free and open to all families! A “muy caliente” dance party featuring Q Center, 69 SE Taylor, 2-4 pm, free Seattle’s DJ Luis spinning latin, hiphop, and Pop Tart dance music. Event organizers instruct you to Featuring a set from the Gay Deceivers, plus “wear your papi underwear.” spinning by DJ Equestrian vs. DJ Automaton Boxxes, 1035 SW Stark, 10 pm, (Swan Island). Also, performances by the latinogaypridepdx.com Rose City Sirens (Portland’s favorite all-queer female burlesque troupe) and the River City 6/7 Riders (the NW’s newest drag king troupe), Chicas Who Brunch and a guest star performance from Sarah A scrumptious champagne brunch, with a Adorable of Scream Club. Latin  avor, in celebration of Latino Pride. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 7 pm, $5 Crush, 1400 SE Morrison, 11 am, Portland Latino Gay Pride Festival crushbar.com Food, drinks, singers, dancers, and com- Gay Pride Pageant munity leaders (and elected of cials!) cap off Fez Ballroom, 316 SW 11th, 221-7262 a weekend of Latino Gay Pride. Dance party fezballroom.com starts at 8 pm. ¡Gaytino! Jupiter Hotel, 800 E Burnside, 3 pm, Writer and performer Dan Guerrero brings his latinogaypridepdx.com

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26 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE27

Other Pride Events continued...

Filthy Friday 6/9 Kick off Pride weekend with a dance party Gay Skate featuring DJ Robb, and special guest Jen Join Just Out for a special Pride edition of Folker. their monthly skate night. Bonus: Wear your CC Slaughter’s, 200 NW 3rd, free, best rainbow-hued gear to compete for prizes. ccslaughterspdx.com You must do the thing Oaks Park Skating Rink, 1 SE Spokane, 7 pm, Gaycation $6 plus two nonperishable food items Dance party! justout.com Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison, 9 pm, $3, you think you cannot do. myspace.com/gaycation 6/10 Over ow —Eleanor Roosevelt Lipstick and Dipstick Special Pride edition of the weekly hiphop Lesbian advice columnists Lipstick and show, with DJs FSO and Adam West. Dipstick (AKA Gina Daggett and Kathy Belge) Red Cap Garage, 1035 SW Stark will read from their Essential Guide to Lesbian Pride Kick-Off Party Relationships. Pride gear giveaways, and a “brand-new, Broadway Books, 1714 NE Broadway, 6 pm, full-length show” by the Rose City Sirens, free sponsored by Babeland. Egyptian Club, 3701 SE Division, 9 pm, $7-10, 6/11 eroompdx.com Witham and Dickey supports all organizations Q Literati! Queer Pressure The kick-off of a new monthly LGBTQ reading Variety show with Splendora and the Gen- doing brave things in our community, especially Portland Pride. series, featuring Marc Acito, author of Attack der Fluids, CJ and the Dolls, Burlesquire, DJ of the Theater People, plus lesbian advice Stormy, and more. 503 736 0111 • www.withamanddickey.com gurus Lipstick and Dipstick (AKA Gina Daggett Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 9 pm, and Kathy Belge). $10-13 Q Center, 69 SE Taylor, 7 pm, free, The Well of Horniness pdxqcenter.org A nine-person, high-camp, low-brow Sapphic murder mystery with one corpse, lusty 6/12 lesbians, murderous dykes, and mysteri- Hot Flash Dance Party ous women, in the cliff-hanging style of an Dance party for seasoned lesbians (mid-30s old-time radio show. Part soap opera, part and beyond) and the women who love them! dyke noir, all silliness. Wine and pastries at the Featuring ’70’s and ’80s music by DJ Lauren, pre-performance fundraiser! (Fundraiser starts plus oldies and today’s best dance music from at 7 pm.) DJ WildFire. Q Center, 69 SE Taylor, 8 pm, $10-20 Barracuda, 9 NW 2nd, 3-9 pm, $8, UnderU4Men Fashion Show hot ashdances.com Hot fashions! Hot models! Hot hot hot! Invite Shake It! VIP party starts at 9 pm, general admission at DJ Brad spins house jams all night at Boxxes, 10 pm. Music by DJ Harmonix. while DJ Catalyst and Jason Wann spin ’80s Boxxes, 1035 SW Stark, 10 pm, boxxes.com hits next door at Red Cap Garage. Kick off Pride Weekend! 6/14 Boxxes, 1035 SW Stark, boxxes.com ’90s Pop Video Dance Party Speak Up! Speak Out! Poetry Slam! Nine-foot screens and the best booty-shakin’ Portland’s Black Pride kicks off with “Speak videos from the ’90s. Up! Speak Out! Poetry Slam!” The evening will Fez Ballroom, 316 SW 11th feature a collection of artists from Seattle’s Beach Party ’08 Voices Rising and Fire & Ink, including the DJ Alex Hollywood and Diva Bolivia Car- Lamba Literary Award nominee Marvin K. michaels entertain you for the  rst night of White. There will also be an open mic, so bring CC Slaughters’ Beach Party Weekend. Plus, your poetry to share with the audience! it’s Cyndi Lauper’s Bring Ya to the Brink CD Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, release party! 7-10 pm, $5 donation CC Slaughter’s, 200 NW 3rd, 9 pm, free Wig Out! ccslaughterspdx.com An evening of coifs, costumes, wine, and Black Pride Block Party and BBQ dancing, with prizes awarded for “Best Crush is closing down the street and opening Themed Wig,” “Biggest Bouffant,” and more. a beer garden to celebrate Black Pride. There Come with your best hairdo, or wigs and will be break dancing, and a performance by accessories are available for purchase at the Brooklyn’s KIN. At 10 pm, the party moves event from the Lippmann Company. inside, and keeps going all night with Kutz D. Q Center, 69 SE Taylor, 7-10 pm, free, Kutz and Seoul Brother #1. pdxqcenter.org Crush, 1400 SE Morrison, 4 pm, free, Blowpony 6/13 DJ Airick, DJ Kinetic, DJ Darkcloud, DJ Trans- Dirty Queer X-Rated Open Mic fat, DJ Ehren Adams, and DJ Mr Charming will Hosted by Sossity Chiricuzio, this X-rated be “rockin the beats” with punk, disco, new open mic promises to be dirty. wave, and more. In Other Words, 8 NE Killingsworth, $1-5, 6:30 Eagle PDX Underground, 27 NW 6th, $3, pm, dirtyqueer.com portlandeagle.com

The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 27 PRIDE28

LoungeLounge LizardLizard Vi n t age Home Decor 50’s, 60’s, 70’s & more 1310 SE Hawthorne 503.232.7575

28 Portland Mercury June 5, 2008 The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 PRIDE29

Other Pride Events continued...

DykeMarch 2008 doesn’t stop until 4 am! This one’s for the ladies (biological and oth- Egyptian Club, 3701 SE Division, 9 pm, $5-10, erwise): Tonight, dykes  ood downtown with eroompdx.com banners and noisemakers to show their pride Rose City Softball Association vs. Cops (right alongside the TransMarch). Gather at 6 Softball Game & Picnic pm, march starts at 7 pm. A charity softball game with the Rose City North Park Blocks, NW Park & Davis, 6 pm, Softball All-Stars vs. the Portland Police free, dykemarchportland.com Bureau. Fluid Farragut Park, N Kerby & Farragut, 11:30 am, Hot tracks and hot boys. Featuring Aden and $5 donation, rosecitysoftball.org Jordan Jaric and Tyler Saint dancing in the Stark Raving Mad showers while you tear up the dance  oor Billed as “The Original Stark Street Block Red Cap Garage, 1035 SW Stark Party,” this one is a bene t for the Cascade Gender Bender Variety Show AIDS Project Men’s Wellness Center. Today, Performances by E Kings, Rose City Sirens, check out a BBQ and “Cirque Du SoGay at- River City Riders, and Burlesquire. mosphere,” with DJ Duane, DJ Robb, and Jen Egyptian Club, 3701 SE Division, 9 pm, $5, Folker of Dahlia. eroompdx.com Scandals, 1125 SW Stark, 8 pm, Girl4GIRL scandalspdx.com The hottest all-woman dance event around. TransMarch 2008 DJ Beyonda, Pride beads, go-go dancers, and Now in its second year, the boisterous more! TransMarch—concurrent with the dyke Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell, 9 pm, march—gets ready at 6 pm, and starts march- $10-12, girl4girlseattle.com ing through downtown at 7 pm. L4L.PDX North Park Blocks, NW Park & Davis, 6 pm A non-smoking dance party for the 35-plus lesbian set, with music from the ’50s through ’80s. 6/15 Embers, 110 NW Broadway, 5 pm, $6, Beach Party ’08 2 home.comcast.net/~l4l.pdx An all-day dance party with DJ Alex Holly- AT LAST, YOU CAN Mega-Bingo with Miss Mylar wood and DJ Robb, featuring Superstar Divas What makes it mega? Food, drinks, give- Pride Show at 8 pm. aways, and “all your favorite safe-sex fare.” CC Slaughter’s, 200 NW 3rd, 10 am, free, Men’s Wellness Center, 928 SW Stark, 3 pm, ccslaughterspdx.com TAKE ACTION 445-7699, cascadeaids.org Beer Bust Out Like That Beer (and grilling) on the patio. IN HIV-ASSOCIATED DIARRHEA Portland Pride’s Hottest Party for Women Eagle Portland, 835 N Lombard, 4 pm, eagle- sounds about right—Tribe and Dingo’s have portland.com put together a “dream tent” party with Vicci It’s Not Over ’Til I Say It’s Over Martinez, the Rose City Sirens, DJ Mel, DJ A post-parade party with a body-painting Lady Adie, DJ Keys, Malice, go-go and  re contest and karaoke! dancers, and more. Plus, check out the Mexi- Egyptian Club, 3701 SE Division, 9 pm, free can food and the tequila bar. Pride Parade Preshow Jupiter Hotel, 800 E Burnside, 7 pm, $10-12, Watch the parade pass by from Embers’ 877-800-0004, dingosonline.com/OTT.shtml grandstand, and enjoy the “old school parade Photo Scavenger Hunt hostesses.” Bring your camera for an outdoor adventure! Embers, 110 NW Broadway, 10:30 am, free, Prizes and refreshments. Dogs welcome. emberspdx.net RSVP to [email protected]; check-in Stark Raving Mad starts at 8:30 am. Billed as “The Original Stark Street Block 1000 Acres Park, Sandy River Delta, 9 am, Party,” this one is a bene t for the Cascade $10 AIDS Project Men’s Wellness Center. Today, Platinum Party there’s a Stoli Bloody Mary bar, Scandals’ Sidelined by diarrhea? At least 18 years of age? Silverado, 318 W 3rd, 224-4493, Patrick Bunch, Sneakin’ Out, and a Pride HIV-positive? silveradopdx.com fetish show. Pride 2008 Family Fun Run/Walk Scandals, 1125 SW Stark, noon, Join Portland’s most ambitious gays (and their scandalspdx.com If so, you may be eligible to participate in our clinical study. friends) for a morning fun run or walk that Stark Street Pride Block Party We are testing an investigational medicine that may help control loops around downtown’s bridges. The fun The party of the year, with Stacey Q, Kevin kicks off at Waterfront Park, under the Mor- Aviance, the Wet Spots, the D-Word, Rose HIV-associated diarrhea and get you back in the game. For more rison Bridge. Participants get a water bottle, a City Sirens and Burlesquire dance troupes, T-shirt, and a post-run breakfast. FSO DJ, Harmonix, DJE, Seth Hutton with information, call 800 123 4567 or visit www.adventstudy.com Tom McCall Waterfront Park, 1020 SW Naito, Alvin Black, and your host Heklina of San 11 am, $15-25, pridenw.org Francisco’s Trannyshack! D Pride Dance 2008 Red Cap Garage, 1035 SW Stark, 2 pm, $5, AR R W This is “the Big One”! DJs Zita and Nova, boxxes.com ADDRESSING DIARRHEA TO VENTURE FO Rose City Sirens, Lollipop Karaoke, go-go 12 Feb 07, version 1.0 Napo Pharmaceuticals, Inc. girls, and breakfast at 2:30 am. The party

The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 29 PRIDE30

It’s Already Been Broughten Please Leave Us Alone, Annoying Gay Celebrities

by Erik Henriksen

There was a time when brave, trailblazing Cynthia Nixon—Author Chuck Klosterman gay celebrities introduced the ideals of diversity wrote that every time he tried to watch Sex and and tolerance to even the backwoodsiest of big- the City, “all I saw were four peculiar-looking ots. But let’s face it: Thanks to several decades women pretending to talk like gay guys”—a of queer-soaked pop culture, more than a few statement that’s at once dead-on and kind of gay celebrities have worn out their welcomes. confusing, and only got more muddled once (Case in point: Ellen DeGeneres—who once Cynthia Nixon came out of the closet. Actually, I made international headlines by coming out on should admit something—the only reason Cyn- her sitcom—hasn’t made anyone laugh since thia Nixon’s on this list is because I want all the she wouldn’t stop crying about a dog.) We aren’t cast members of Sex and the City to disappear saying these gay celebs need to go back into forever. That’s legit, right? the closet, exactly, but getting the hell offstage Tila Tequila—I’ve never even seen this would be a step in the right direction. chick’s MTV show and still I want to send her George Takei—Lieutenant Sulu was possi- off to wherever the hell Downtown Julie Brown bly the least useful person on the bridge of the currently is. Enterprise, a dubious role that George Takei Steven “Cojo” Cojocaru—Entertainment has shamelessly exploited for like 40 years. I Tonight’s freakishly Botoxed “fashion consul- mean, at least R2-D2 and C-3PO are still get- tant” is a Frankensteinian combination of a scalp ting work. Takei? He just sits around prank call- stolen from Jennifer Aniston and teeth torn from ing William Shatner. the mouths of four different Osmonds. He also Rosie O’Donnell—I wrote a big explana- orgasms whenever any C-rate celebrity passes tion for this one before realizing it was totally within 20 yards of him. I have an unfortunate unnecessary. habit of throwing my TV out a window anytime Anyone and Everyone from Will & Grace— “Cojo” darkens its screen; since 2003, I have They say they’re not gay. They are. been forced to buy 247 new televisions. Rip Taylor—I’ll let trusty ol’ Wikipedia han- Albus Dumbledore—The only thing gayer dle this one for me: “Taylor is known for his high- than a gay wizard at a gay magic school is a gay voiced yells, zany hair (which is a toupee), and wizard who insists on assembling a gay fellow- bushy handlebar moustache over a perpetual ship of bearish dwarves and twinkish hobbits. toothy grin. He always enters a venue tossing (SORT-OF BUT NOT REALLY RELATED DWEEB handfuls of confetti from a paper bag onto his FACT: Just pretending to be Gandalf the Grey audience and laughing hysterically, while the turned Ian McKellan gay.) band plays his theme song, ‘Happy Days Are Larry Craig—Dude, I’m only in here to take Here Again.’” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! a leak. Seriously. Back off. ■ Phat Girls Say Hello to Portland’s Coolest Cheer Squad

by Will Gardner

FATASS (Fat Action Troupe Allstar Spirit Wann [author of the book Fat! So?: Because Squad), a Portland-based group of radical You Don’t Have to Apologize for Your Size] had cheerleaders, are unique in the cheerleading a cheerleading troupe as well, before FATASS. arena. No less beautiful than your standard What’s the queer-to-straight ratio of the cheer squad (if not more beautiful—I mean, group? isn’t everyone completely over the stereotypi- At least half the troupe identi es as queer, cal wiry blonde cheerleader?), FATASS certain- so there’s going to be that natural undertone. ly aren’t run of the mill. Their appearances in Plus, we perform in a lot of queer venues— Marie Claire, Bust, and even on German tele- like when we did the Queer Pride Party at the vision corroborate that statement. Recently, I Meow Meow awhile back. We’ve also per- spoke with Chelsea Lincoln, who has been with formed at sKeRvY. But we cheer to everyone. FATASS since its fatass inception, about the In fact, one of my favorite lyrics is in the cheer group in general—and, of course, Bring it On. “Be Progressive”: “Let’s start a revolution/It’s MERCURY: Tell me how FATASS began. easy if you try/Don’t judge yourselves on color/ CHELSEA LINCOLN: It started in February preferences or size!” 2003, shortly before FatGirl Speaks [a size-pos- That lyric brings together everything we’re itive annual event in Portland]. Krissy, one of talking about—not just a movement of fat ac- our members, came up with the idea of cheer- ceptance, but acceptance of all people. leading fat girls. Everyone was really excited So, the group is currently on hiatus? about it—you know, it’s kind of cliché, the fat What does that mean? girl who wanted to be a cheerleader but wasn’t We aren’t currently active, but part of accepted. It’s all about “taking back the pom what we do is about education. We’ve ap- poms” and cheering about fat acceptance. peared in various magazines, on the radio, Is it only women in your group? And only and even the Rock ’n’ Roll Camp for Girls. fat women? We want to spread the message of body im- It’s not that we don’t allow men. It just hap- age not only through our cheers, but also pens to be all women. Even though every per- through our words. son is affected by fat discrimination, women Have you ever all gotten together to de nitely feel it the most. So, the idea of being watch Bring it On? a fat cheerleader is more appealing to a wom- We’ve talked about it, but never followed an trying to take that power back and cheer through. But we’re de nitely fans of the movie about it. Further, all our members identify as and quote lines during our practices. fat. We’ve never had any men or anyone thin There’s de nitely a prevalence of les- approach us to perform, but we do have many bian cheerleader porn on the internet. Any fat allies that support us. thoughts? Are there any other groups doing what (Laughs) Oh, we don’t partake in that. you do, either locally or globally? For more information (and more cheers— I haven’t heard of any other troupes starting my favorite being “Gastric Bypass March”), up after we did. But, at some point, Marilyn visit fatasspdx.com. ■

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The Official Guide to Pride June 14-15, 2008 June 5, 2008 Portland Mercury 31 PRIDE32

PORTLAND PRIDE’S HOTTEST PARTY Come party with smokin’ hot babes and their friends as z Tribe and Dingos present we take over one of Portland’s hippest hotels. THE JUPITER HOTEL 800 E. Burnside SATURDAY, JUNE 14TH • 7pm - 2am

DREAM TENT MAIN STAGE PRESENTS Vicci Martinez (7:30pm) z The Rose City Sirens (9pm) DJ Mel • DJ Lady Adie • DJ Keys • DJ Equestrian • Performance artist Malice • Sahara Dunes Zora Phoenix • Pegatron the Fire Dancer • “All the Above” Dance Troupe • Go-Go Dancers FULL BAR, DINGOS MEXICAN FOOD AND TEQUILA BAR • OLIVIA.COM VIP SUITE & OUTDOOR LOUNGE AREA • ENTER TO WIN OLIVIA VACATION

z GENERAL ADMISSION TO PURCHASE TICKETS GO TO $10 pre-sale, $12 at the door WACK, Dingos on Hawthorne or at dingosonline.com z VIP PASS $50 pre-sale, $60 at the door FOR THE OUT LIKE THAT PACKAGE CALL 877.800.0004 z OUT LIKE THAT JUPITER HOTEL PACKAGE visit www.jupiterhotel for more details 3 day package $295pp FIRST 100 THRUGH THE DOOR WILL RECEIVE A GIFT BAG FROM BABELAND! SPONSORED BY WACK Oh Snap! Paul Rich Color Bomb Tribe Hair Salon Studio Tattoo