The Official Newspaper of Stern College for Women, Sy , The World of Tomorrow, The Feminist Movement, The Patriarchy, The Messianic State of Israel, The United States of America, and University The OBSERVER WWW.YUOBSERVER.ORG VOLUME LXIV ISSUE IV Purim 2018 / Adar 5778

Join TAC and SOY Sunday, March 4th at 7 pm in Rubin Shul for an exclusive showing of the hottest new film to hit YU: “The Five Commandments: President Berman Gives YU The Five Torot” News Purim 2018 / Adar 5778 • Page 2

The Yeshiva University Report: Stern Student Has Spent Last Hour in Class Observer Shopping Online for Fishing Supplies 2017-2018 Staff Kira Paley Editor-in-Chief MURRAY HILL, New York, 2:24–Students in this afternoon’s on FishingPassions.com? I’m sorry, that I don’t understand.” Principles of Biology lecture are confused about more than just Salman’s classmate Hannah Trout, though not interested in Mindy Schwartz cells today. Since class started at 1:25, a student sitting in the front fishing herself, was more supportive of the unidentified student’s row of the lecture has been browsing various websites, including internet activity. “I’ve seen worse,” she said. “The student in front of Managing Editor Amazon, BassPro.com, and Dick’s Sporting Goods for fishing gear me in psych class once spent the entire lecture logging in and out of Miriam Pearl Klahr and supplies. the YUShuttles website. The student, That was hard to News Editor who remains watch. This, at least, is Senior Editor unidentified at this original.” time, has been Other students Sarah Casteel searching for rods, are taking a more Junior Editor bait, hooks, and investigative approach Ailin Elyasi reels, intensely to the fisherwoman’s reading product online activity, by Features Editor descriptions, recalling how she spent Senior Editor watching YouTube the last few lectures. Leah Klahr video reviews “Last week, she spent all of the products, of Wednesday’s lecture Junior Editor and even keeping looking for plane tickets Talya Hyman multiple tabs open to Chicago,” explained at once to compare fellow biology student Opinions Editor prices and shipping Rachel Fisch. “That Senior Editor rates. Only straying would make sense, if Kira Paley from her intense she were searching for shopping once to freshwater equipment, Junior Editor check a message because of the lake and Elka Wisenberg on WhatsApp, everything. But if she the student has wants to go to Chicago, Web & Social Media attracted the why is she spending so Manager attentions of much time reading The multiple other Northeast Saltwater Shira Feen students sitting Fishing Discussion behind her in Koch. Board?” Layout Editor “Zara, I When the lecture Zehava Seidman understand. ends, the shopper will be Pinterest to asked to comment on her look at Ketubot online activity during Business Managers and wedding class. Until then, it Sabrina Benmoha hairstyles, I understand. Checking the OnlySimchas instagram page, I seems that she has now shifted her focus to fishing apparel, consulting Sarah Porgess understand. Doing work for other classes, I understand,” commented an international unisex size chart on bibs. Rebecca Salman, who has been avidly following the shopper’s search since about ten minutes into the lecture. “Updating your dating profile Staff Writers Dalya Hirt YC Students Move To Murray Hill “For the Community Shira Krinsky Feel” Stella Dora Four Yeshiva College Students have recently moved into the The students claim the move has nothing to do the abundance Murray Hill neighborhood, claiming that they were looking for of female undergraduate students living right nearby. “I mean a more community feel than they were afforded in Washington maybe we’ll make some new friends,” Max Golding, YC ‘20, said, Heights. “There was just blushing slightly as he spoke of too much anonymity the Stern students dorming only in the Heights,” one a few steps away, “but we really of the students, David didn’t move here just so we Green, YC ‘20, told The could have a co-ed environment. Observer. “Between It’s all about the community for the fifteen different us.” Shabbat minyans and Although the roommates tons of apartments full claim to prefer their new home, of students, it was hard they do have a few complaints Founded by the women of to find a place to be an about their newfound Yeshiva University’s Stern individual there.” community. “We have already College in 1958, The Observer One of Green’s been asked to be permanent is the independant newspaper roommate Josh Stone, Minyan Men, which is nice. of Stern College for Women, YC ‘20, agreed with But we do feel a little used. Sy Sims School of Business, his sentiment. “It was We would like to be thought of and Yeshiva University. The just not homey enough more as individuals and not just Observer is an independent in the Heights. You are as Minyan-enablers,” admitted student publication, self- just a small fish in a big Green. “It’s also really annoying funded, and published on a pond there. Being the when I get judged for taking monthly basis throughout only male undergraduate the shuttle every night to study the academic year. Views students near the Beren in the library uptown–I’m not expressed in The Observer campus makes you very desperate, it’s just a far superior are those of the writers and big fish in a very small pond here.” study environment!” Stone added emphatically. do not necessarily reflect The four students will be rooming a studio on 35th Street and “But there are always problems like this when you first move those of the editorial board . “The rent could have been cheaper but the price is somewhere,” Golding cut in. “Overall we’re excited to enjoy the or the student body, faculty, worth it,” Stone noted. homeiness of our new community. Maybe we’ll even start a trend and administration of Yeshiva University. All Observer content is copyrighted and may not be reprinted without permission. Page 3 • Purim 2018 / Adar 5778 News

Breaking: Admin Of Memes Group Mocking Secular College Is Actually Dating A Student At Secular College Tova Luxemburg

The admin of a popular secret for so long by avoiding the memes group known for Brookdale lounge, Morg lounge, mocking students attending the fifth floor of the uptown secular college in order library, all restaurants within a to make YU students feel 15 minute subway ride from the better about themselves and Wilf or Stern campuses, and by their life choices is dating a staying off social media. student at a secular college, “I love the meme group. according to Observer It gives me the chance to feel sources. better about my choice to attend Since The Observer YU and burden my parents with broke the news last night massive debt, because at least some students have I’m not in the den of iniquity expressed their frustration that is secular college,” another with admin’s hypocrisy. student commented. “But now I “He goes on posting memes see that really he thinks YU girls about the fact that secular aren’t good enough for him. It students spend their whole feels like a betrayal.” lives getting drunk at frat While the Admin wished to parties and forgetting the stay “above the drama” he did Torah they were raised on, tell The Observer, “I think that while dating one of them people have kind of missed idea at the same time,” said one of satire here.” angered student. “It’s like the memes are just a joke to him,” another student agreed. The admin has allegedly been dating the unidentified secular college student since early November, but was able to keep the news a

YAF Faces Existential Crisis After Prager Causes Only Minimal Drama on YU Campus Hannah Clinton Members of the Yeshiva University chapter of the Young a single college student he’d never met before,” the possible that Ben Shapiro was anomaly and we’ll never America’s Foundations find themselves in the midst of student recalled with satisfaction. “But overall it was get that kind of pure, unadulterated drama with one of an existential crisis after their star guest Dennis Prager really tame. I mean we didn’t have every single liberal our events again. It has us questioning our purpose as only brought minimal drama and chaos during his student and alumnus sadly questioning their affiliation a chapter at YU,” a leader of YAF”s board told The visit to Yeshiva Observer. “Maybe University this we should just bring past December. less provocative Close to three speakers who months after actually stimulate the fact, the a substantive chapter’s conversation student leaders about conservative are still unsure theory and policy what to do about on campus, as the lackluster opposed to bringing drama Prager hot-shot speakers stimulated on whose popularity campus. is built on a cult of “When Ben personality.” Shapiro came But another high- last year all ranking board hell broke member for YU’s loose,” one YAF chapter, member of YAF quickly reassured who wished The Observer that to remain this option has anonymous told been shot down. The Observer. “In the midst of our “It was epic. soul searching we We felt like we have realized that really succeed we really are here in our mission for the drama. We of messing with are thinking about those uptight bringing Milo snowflakes that are all over this campus,” he said with YU, afterward. At most they just felt some mild Yiannopoulos next year. Hopefully that will bring us referring to the roughly 20-30 Liberal students in the disappointment–and that is not what we are going for.” back to our glory days, and replace substantive debate entire university. “With the Prager event unfortunately, “I don’t even think those communists at The Forward, with some good, old-fashion chaos.” we didn’t get that same reaction.” covered the Prager event, so that is a pretty clear sign “Prager was ok,” another anonymous YAF member that we didn’t make YU look bad enough in the eyes of said. “I mean he did say some pretty crazy things about over-sensitive liberals,” the same YAF member noted. women and he did use the majority of his speech to bully Student leaders of YAF are not sure how to proceed. “It’s News Purim 2018 / Adar 5778 • Page 4

Stern Cuts Out Middleman; Opens LOFT in 245 Lobby Mindy Schwartz

LOFT has opened a new location in the lobby of gray ruffled sweater when it’s 40%, off–but I know out in the cold!” 245–replacing the 101-102 classrooms. The store was everyone will be wearing the same one on the shuttle Neima Klein, SCW ‘19, who is enrolled in the same opened due to the popular demand of 95% of the Stern tonight.” class as Stein, disagreed with her negatieve assessment student body that wears of the situation. “I wish the brand at least four we could have class in a times a week. classroom but I have to Representatives say it is totally worth it. from LOFT praised the Look at this sweater I decision to open a store just got–it was 40% off in this unique location. and I don’t need to wear “Rent is so high for retail a shell underneath. And location in the gray ruffles are so that it is hard for any flattering.” store to justify opening When asked up around here. But this about the classroom store has already seen displacement Dean record sales. Students Bacon commented that come all day to buy “we try to accommodate sweaters and blouses the needs of all of our that are questionably students. Clearly this either shabbos apparel LOFT fills a big need for or weekday tops for our student body, which yeshivish people.” outweighs the need of a Shira Sternberg, minority of students to SCW ‘20, told The have a classroom.” Observer that the shop The majority of will “totally change my students and teachers shopping game. I don’t alike seem to be have to just shop on my enjoying the new shop laptop in class anymore. in this convenient I can just leave class location. According to like I’m going to the representatives from bathroom and come here the store, their profit instead to try things on in margins have soared. person. It’s great!” “We’ve done so well Other students were here,” the manager told more critical of the new The Observer. “We’re store opening in their school building. “It’s a total Jenny Stein, SCW ‘18, was also less than considering opening a second location in Yagoda disgrace,” said Marney Gold, Syms ‘18. “It will only enthusiastic about the new LOFT. “I used to have class Commons.” make it easier for YU boys to make fun of us for all in 101 every Monday and Wednesday. Now we have to looking the exact same. I mean how can I not buy that learn outside on the balcony–I got a Strep from sitting

Finally: The Commentator Just Released Scintillating New Data About What Percentage of Katz School Students Own Cars Kira Paley

MS in Marketing program who own cars as opposed to leasing them. The numbers, compiled by Commentator editor Bert Kazlawe, could not come any sooner, as recent (and nasty) debates have broken out in popular Facebook group YU Marketplace about this issue. “We wanted to finally get the stats out there so people would have facts to discuss as opposed to just speculation,” said Kazlawe’s fellow editor Ethan Lipstein. “Hopefully, now both students who posited that most of Katz marketing students lease cars and students who claimed that the majority of them owned cars can come to an agreement based on solid data.” Though the numbers themselves are stimulating enough, as are the For most YU students, numbers are important. During to YU, some students feel there’s still much more astute comments on the data by Katz’s infamously orientation, students are excited to learn all about YU’s ground to cover. “My first year of college, I would controversial Dean Paul Russo, Commentator staff graduate school acceptance rates and employment lie awake at night wondering how many students are have supplemented the stats with visually pleasing pie rates, and nothing elates a YU undergraduate more than enrolled in Cardozo now as opposed to eight years charts, line graphs, and even a Pulitzer-worthy photo of an 89.5 that can be rounded up to a 90. ago,” said YC student Abraham Strass. “Thankfully, the exterior of Wilf Campus’s Belfer Hall (despite that So it’s no surprise that every month, YC, Stern, now that the Commentator released an article about the Katz’s MS in Marketing is an online program). Syms, and Katz students all flock to the newsstands lower enrollment rates since 2010, I can rest easier at Students who were anxiously waiting for The to get their hands on The Commentator’s most recent night. But now, I can’t focus in class because I can’t Commentator to report on this pressing, controversial look at YU statistics. Whether it’s about humanities stop thinking about how many students in Katz’s MS topic can finally breathe again. Said avid Commentator majors, peer tutors, the ratio of chairs to tables in the in Marketing program own cars as opposed to leasing reader Dovi Rubenberg, “I am once again impressed Gottesman Library, or graduate school enrollment, The them.” with not only The Commentator’s impeccable Commentator’s articles about statistics are always the For Strass, though, and his peers who find investigative reporting, but also with how their finger most talked-about news pieces on campus. themselves in similar situations, a weight will now is so accurately on the pulse of what’s being talked Even though The Commentator contributors write be lifted; earlier today, The Commentator released about on campus.” about a variety of different types of numbers relating an article about the percentage of students in Katz’s Page 5 • Purim 2018 / Adar 5778 News

Disgruntled Feminist Forced To Throw Away Fiery Op-Ed About Sexism of YU President’s Staff Mindy Schwartz Rachel Bernstein, SCW ‘19, was women problems. “I’m frustrated for extremely frustrated to learn that she sure that I can’t publish my article on the could no longer publish her ranty, President’s Staff,” the singular minded impassioned Op-Ed about the rampant feminist admitted, “but I am not going sexism evident in President Berman’s to let this defeat me. There is so much staff. Bernstein had been planning her more sexism at this school for me to article since President Berman first write about.” announced last year that his Chief of Bernstein plans to direct her preachy Staff and Special Advisor would both pen towards the Board of Trustees next– be men. “The president’s office was where female representation is a pitiful 3/4 male for at least five months. Only 3 out of 27 positions on the board. If the Executive Assistant was a woman, I that somehow changes before she can mean come on,” a frustrated Bernstein go to print, she will write about how told The Observer. the President of YU has never been a But with the appointment of the first woman and probably never will be. female Chief of Staff–Julie Schreier– “And if that magically changes before I to the position of Chief of Staff this get to publish my article, it’s really fine,” February, Bernstein’s sexist expose has Bernstein said optimistically. “There now become outdated. “All I wanted to will always be some crummy thing YU do write a good, well-deserved callout of does to women that I can rant about.” the sexism of the gender disparity in the President’s staff. Now that they actually hired a woman to a leadership position there what am I supposed to do? I can’t publish the article now,” a disappointed Bernstein said. While Bernstein’s efforts were foiled this time, she does not plan to back down on writing self-righteous, indigent articles about YU’s many Features Month 2017/Page Hebrew 6 • Purim month 2018 5778 / Adar • Page5778 6

Why I Left Stern Anonymous I was warned, before I began Stern, that it was going Tiberias, eat it by myself, and fall asleep in the middle Brookdale lobby to wait for an Uber to chauffeur me to be a hostile environment. That people like me were of an illegally streamed Oscar-nominated movie whose the five blocks to Penn Station. I looked at my dating marginalized, made fun of, considered second-class. symbolism I would not understand. I could put on my and partying counterparts, and knew there just wasn’t But during my first week, I was pleasantly surprised; longest skirt and a hat with an abnormally large pom- a place for me here over the weekend. It was difficult there were others like me in my classes, in my dorm, pom, steal my roommate’s Rebecca Minkoff over-the- turning my back on an institution that held so much posting in Stern College: In the Know. I thought to shoulder purse, grab my Topics in Vayikra sourcebook, potential for me in its ability to provide me with not myself, “Maybe I’ll be alright at Stern.” and look religiously pretentious as I pretend to wait for only a home for the week, but also the weekend. But That all changed my first Thursday night. my date in the lounge. I knew deep down that leaving Stern was the right As I returned to Brookdale from my class that Or, of course, I could leave. choice for me. ended at 5:55, it was a ghost-town. I bade goodbye to the security Save for the students in the lounge guards and to my fifth roommate, wearing crop tops and thigh- the mouse. “I’ll see you on Sunday high boots ready for a night on at around 10 PM,” I said, deciding the town (read: Heights) and the then to stay at home until the very students in KikiRiki tops and calf- last hours of the weekend. I walked length skirts ready to be picked up outside into the grimy by a YP student they had never air, inhaling it deeply and relishing met, only the security guards and my last few moments of city life the buzz of the vending machines during the first week of September remained. 2017. I rode the elevator to my Jonathan, my savior, 4.78 stars room on the 14th floor, relishing and driving with Uber for 2 years, in the emptiness of it but missing pulled up in a shiny black Camry the opportunities to read fellow ready to take me away from the students’ texts over their shoulders school I call home on weekdays. A in the cramped space. I heard the single tear rolled down my cheek echo of my footsteps as I crossed as I climbed into the car, officially the hall to enter my room, and leaving Stern for the weekend. as I called out my roommates’ I know that this article will make names, all I got in return was the people angry; it’ll lead outsiders to sound of a mouse scurrying back make judgments about Stern that to his home in my wall, where he might be unwarranted because they probably reunited with his friends, are based on only my experiences. I thought jealousy. But I have to share my story, to tell I plopped down on my bed, the only one not I checked my LIRR app, and found that there was others about the darker side of Stern, about how there stripped down to a mattress pad or a foam egg crate. I a train leaving in an hour that I could surely make, isn’t a place for people like me who don’t know how contemplated my options; I could join my floormates in if I packed up my laundry quick enough. Or, I could to spend a Thursday night anywhere other than a train 14B to strip down to practically undergarments, drink always text my dad asking for a ride, since he works in or bus. Leaving Stern was hard, and it continues to be some illegally procured booze, and catch the 11:15 Midtown and often stays late on Thursdays. It was too every single Thursday afternoon, or night. Yet as I meet shuttle to a depressing ZBT party where I would sit easy; the warmth of my mother’s embrace and the ease the eyes of my fellow departers, boarding a shuttle alone on a couch and dodge the advances of a lonely of being an in-towner called me. So I left Stern. uptown with a suitcase in tow, or making the trek to IBC boy looking for inspiration for a Facebook group I packed up my LeSportsac with my week’s worth Port Authority to snag a seat on the rush-hour 167 to meme that would probably realistically only get him of laundry, which also happens to be the exact amount Teaneck, I know that I’m not alone. 10 likes. I could spend my life savings on pizza from of clothing I keep at Stern, and headed down to the The Top 8 Ways to Save Yeshiva University Using the Megillah (#6 Will Shock You): Israel Hadar As we get further into 2018 Yeshiva University has many 2. If the megillah issues to deal with: Shrinking of some departments, has one thing it is edicts great discord within the student body over the issues of of kings. It has loads political and religious polarization, a tumbling down of them. Time for YU the rankings, astonishingly high dormitory costs for to issue edicts. The Stern students, and the regular issues of not having Edict of the Five Torot money. Perhaps there are ways to solve the situation and The Edict of (Sign such as transferring the girl’s campus to the Bennet side Tearing) Restitution. We of Washington Heights and selling off the expensive can also reissue classic midtown properties for a profit, reforming departments edicts like the Edict of based on student intake, or selling incoming students Milan, Edict of Worms, on YU instead of on a fear of secular colleges. Since and Edict of Toleration none of that is going to happen I decided to take it upon (although I am not myself to save Yeshiva University all on my own. sure how allowing the However, since I am but a lowly undergrad students establishment of the Catholic Church in Hawaii would again. We can always make a plot ourselves and then without too many means I have decided to help in the help). We should just issue more and more edicts. It’s foil it at the last moment. only way I know how–by making a list. Since we’re in not like we can issue more bonds. 6. You know how the megillah ends? Achashverosh YU, and Torah and Maddah isn’t totally dead yet, I’ve 3. You know what saved the day in the megillah? raises taxes. Guess what–Trump just slashed corporate decided to make it apropos to Purim. So here we go: Fasting. If everyone cuts out something small, like all taxes–using my Syms I can spot an emerging The Top 8 Ways to Save Yeshiva University Using the food and drinks, then YU can keep more of that elusive market when I see one. If the US government won’t tax Megillah (#6 Will Shock You): caf money. corporations then YU should! There’s like thousands of 1. Memuchan was right about one thing–when 4. According to the official YU memes page, YU dollars in that business. problems arise throw a beauty pageant. Nothing Memes for on the Derech Teens, Syms students do not 7. Haman makes a lottery to decide on which day raises money quite like a beauty pageant. Since this actually do anything all day. I suggest that we have to destroy the Jewish people. YU can win the lottery is a Yeshiva we obviously can not have women be in those lazy bums write megillot that we can then sell at and solve many of the cash problems. If that doesn’t a pageant, as that would require acknowledging that a profit. We can pay them in caf money, which–as per work we can just make our own lottery and fix it so that women are YU students. I propose the first annual suggestion 3–they will not use. YU wins. That would generate money and can serve as America’s Next Top Tuition Bill. We can show off that 5. In the megillah the Mordechai uncovers a plot a plot for suggestion 5. beautiful (six) figures of the tuition bill that the average and that ends up giving him credit with the government. 8. Megilat Esther is all about God acting in a YU student accrues. Bonus points if the contestants are All we need to do now is to uncover a plot. The long hidden way. If all else fails we can just hide from our able to raise tuition. Raising the tuition might make the way would be to try to implement a YU spying system problems. rankers confuse us for an Ivy League which will raise to look out for plots–but that may backfire if people find YU in the rankings! out that a Jewish body was spying on the government Page 7 • Purim 2018 / Adar 5778 Features

4 Clubs That Only Lasted One Semester Kira Paley

Here at Stern, we’ve got clubs for every major, every edge, backfired, though, and event turnout reduced stopped attending events because they didn’t know career track, every interest. While the current list what “culinary” meant. The club did not renew its of clubs seems impossibly long, here are some official club status for Fall 2010. clubs who only existed for one semester, due to 3. The Green Club: Inspired by Israel’s political administrative pushback or lack of interest, among party “Ale Yarok”, whose main platform is the other reasons. So if you’re thinking of starting a club legalization of marijuana, The Green Club managed on the Beren Campus, go ahead, but probably avoid to gain official club status by disguising itself as a these four models as they have proved themselves to club for environmental action at YU. As its symbol be unsuccessful. was a marijuana leaf, though, most students caught 1. JStreet YU: During the Fall 2012 semester, on to the club’s true agenda, and there were over there was a JStreet chapter on the YU campus by a fifty applications for board positions. Unfortunately, YC student and a Stern student, alumni of Ma’aleh after one wildly successful event that took place on Gilboa and Nishmat, respectively. After countless April 20, 2015, where students enjoyed homemade battles with the politically right-wing OSL, JStreet brownies and watched the film Pineapple Express, a YU finally managed to plan one event, a town hall student council member found out about the club’s meeting for interested students. Members of the real purpose and the club was immediately shut Israel Club, though, sabotaged the event, telling the down. According to YU legend, though, the club student body that the event was going to be taking still has frequent meetings on street corners all over place on the red steps of Times Square; unknowing the Wilf campus. students showed up at the Israel Club Times Square 4. The Greek Life Club: Founded in 2011 by a Kumsitz expecting a JStreet meeting. Since as a student who did not get into Penn, the Greek Life result, no students showed up to the actual meeting Club was a springboard for starting an official Stern which was in 245 Lexington, the club did not plan chapter of Sigma Delta Tau. After promising to any more events. create a sorority whose events and policies followed 2. The Kugel Club: Started in 2009 by a student halacha, the OSL allowed the Greek Life Club to do hoping to pursue a career in the culinary arts, The a trial run of a university-recognized SDT chapter Kugel Club had one successful potato kugel baking for one semester. For two months, it was a success; event during March 2010. Afraid that the club was the students lived in a townhouse on 35th street and perpetuating negative stereotypes about the role managed to haze students without killing them. But of women in Judaism though, the club’s founder when the founder and president got engaged two changed the name of the club to The Culinary months into the trial run, and the house became Club in April 2010. The name change, which was infested with bedbugs three days after that, things done in order to give the club a more professional drastically. The most popular theory? Stern students got pretty chaotic and the sorority shut down.

Purim: Your Day As Told Through Your Anxieties Israel Hadar

Before Megillah me come in? So Kriat Megillah starts in 7 minutes so if I go back much pressure! Will to the dorm and change into my costume and come I have to say hi to back I’ll make it just in time. But is anyone else doing anyone? Let me that? The time window is short and I don’t want to be check Facebook to the only one dressed up? 5 minutes! Oh man everyone make sure I have the else is dressed up and now I look like that one guy who right address and doesn’t dress up! Will people think that I’m one of those time... people who hate fun? Or will they think that I’m one of Do I drink? The those people who won’t stop talking about how dressing chiyuv is tomorrow, up goes back to the Carnival and is a Minhag Akum? Oh but in Yeshiva we no people are judging me. I should have at least worn a definitely drank? white shirt! But there’s no wine Wait did I miss the bracha? and nichnas yayin... During Megillah oh no everyone’s Wait did I miss that word? I mean I heard it but did looking at me– I? Was I spacing out? I knew I should have taken that quickly drink! “learn how to read the Megillah” class. Is the gematria Should I stomp for Haman? What are the shtark kids of Lavan the same give me and I won’t give you” pact! Ugh! Ok I’ll learn doing? Well not that we’re kids anymore but... as the gematria for Ana bekoach? Is there a vort in it? for an hour... After Megillah Do I want to say a vort now? Do people expect me to? Later YU chagigah or heights party? Well it’s not like it’s Why is she looking at me like that? Is she worried I How do I get the wrapping string to curl? Why a Crazy Heights Party® but what if people notice that drank too much or is she worried that she’s stuck in a does it matter it’ll get passed on anyhow! I should have I’m not at the YU party and start assuming that I’m at conversation about gimatriyas? I shouldn’t have gone to bought the ready made ones–less attachment. DO NOT a heights party. On the other hand all of my friends are the heights party... NAME THE MISHLOACH MANOT! You can’t get going to be at the party and it’s not like there will be The next morning attached to Messy Jesse–ok maybe I’ll keep one? I do dancing... Why am I not hearing my alarm? OH NO I WOKE always end up giving the best candy... At the Chagiga UP LATE! Oh wait it’s still early. Ugh do I go back to Oh man I knew I shouldn’t have kept it! I’m down Ugh I hope that my costume isn’t too bad but also sleep? What if I don’t wake up? Oh no hangover. I guess 1! I didn’t expect Dan to be at Rebbe’s house and give not that noticeable. Ugh I hate the people who make I’ll go shower? Is there enough time for a shower? I me one! their own costume! So much pressure! don’t want to smell? Should I drink wine? Is it too early? Rebbe’s Am I supposed to dance with my shiur rebbe? Or is After the shower pouring? Should I tell him my dvar Torah? Is it too it going to be weird? So far he’s only been dancing with Only 7 minutes to davening! Should I wear a weak? Yes yes it is–quick think of something! What was the shiur assistants and other rebeim and I don’t want costume toShachrit? Will other people wear costumes? that good one from last year... to be that guy! But he’s looking at me–does he want to Should I just wear a white shirt? 4 minutes! Which seuda should I go to? Apartment or Rebbe’s? dance? At Shachrit Everyone says that the apartment Seudahs are more fun– I knew I should have gone first! Now I keep having Today is such an important day I should have extra no rebbe comes first! But I don’t want to miss out...oh to wait and wait and I’ll never get to dance with Rebbe! kavana! Wait lavan is the same as ana bekoach! How no shkia is in 39 minutes and I didn’t do mincha yet... Oh wait am I supposed to dance with all of my other can I tie the two together before the meal... At the Seudah Rebbeim... After davening Oh man I should have gone to rebbe’s seuda At the Heights party People are staying to learn- but I still haven’t everyone here is already wasted–do I have to stay sober I’m just going for a little bit so there’s no harm– finish making my mishloch manot! What if I don’t have to help Yitzchak out? I mean it must suck for him to be what if it’s already over? Worse what if it’s at the point enough? There’s always the person who gives you that the only sober one...well it is a mitzva... where no one else is trickling in and everyone notices you didn’t plan for! I knew I should have made a “don’t Features Purim 2018 / Adar 5778 • Page 8

The Five Torot of Yeshiva University–The CliffNotes

As we all know, YU mission and principles are totally Divine, but also that no matter how frum we are, none you’ve been thrown up by a drunk passenger on the 2 100% clear and are never contested in anyway. During of us has any patience to hear “heretics” called out by am weekend shuttle back to Beren. his investiture speech, newly elected president Rabbi the perpetual Facebook spammer “Neo-Conservatism/ 4. Torat Chesed: The need to fight for justice– just wanted to make things even more clear Open Orthodoxy Explained.” globally, but also at home, because those skyrocketing by outlining the Five Torot on which YU Stands. But 2. Torat Chaim: The imperative to engage the Caf prices are robbery and must be publicly condemned. since that speech was kind of long, we have developed world, so YU can try to get impressive graduates that 5. Torat Zion: The responsibility to support Israel a CliffNotes version of the Five Torot for your will hopefully help halt its perpetual downward slide in and to redeem the world, which we all know is code for: convenience and reference: the US News and World Report College Rankings. Israel is the future of the Jewish people and America is 1. Torat Emet: The Orthodox belief that the Torah is 3. Torat Adam: The belief in humanity, even after a wasteland.