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Drink Tank Heart! the Thirty Eighth Issue

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Drink Tank Heart! the Thirty Eighth Issue Take Care, Gentle This issue is not for Readers. There The the weak of constitu- are Strange Things tion nor the faint of Afoot! Drink Tank heart! The Thirty Eighth Issue Looking at the Hugos I was hoping that World Con this would be the year of I got most of my my man Donato Giancola, predictions right, with but no, Jim Burns took the a couple of notable (i.e.. Best Pro Artist instead. Donato’s been de- GIANT) mistakes. This year’s crop of Hugo serving of one for years, and he’s a Chesley winners was one thing above all else. fave, but he’s never won himself a Hugo. He English. really needs one. That’s right, the hometown crowd The big winner had to be Dave Lang- won almost everything. It’s not surpris- ford. He won the Best Fan Writer, beating ing, I fully expect Mike Glyer and folks to BASFAn and fellow producer of The Pork Au- do better than he has in recent years when thority Cheryl Morgan. This was expected. WorldCon comes to you live from LA, but Ansible beat another former fanzine turned this was even surprising by those stand- Semi-Prozine Locus to win its fi rst best ards. The All-Brit best novel was won by Semi-Pro Hugo. That shocked me. Frankly, Susanna Clarke and her fi ne work Jonath- there were better choices, including the New an Strange and Mr.. Norrell. I liked it a lot, York Review of Science Fiction, and I even but I really thought that China Mieville’s preferred the IRoSF last year to either Locus Iron Council was gonna take it, instead, or Ansible. it ended up running fi fth! What the hell? The Best Fan Writer held no surprises Iron Sunrise even topped it! Iron Freakin’ either. Cheryl Morgan took second, Claire Sunrise! Brialey third. I can’t argue much with the short The Best Fan Artist went as I’ve been stuff, though there are choices that would saying for a while now: Sue Mason won, have more suited my tastes. Charlie Stross Frank took second. Frank Wu was close won one, which I think was my favourite of again, running second to Sue for the second his stuff. I was sad to see Ben Rosenbaum time in three years. Steve Stiles was third, not take it for the original story that ap- which I think was his best fi nish in a while. peared in Wheatland’s Zeppelin Adventure No way anything other than Plokta anthology. was going to win the Best Fanzine award. The big win in my eyes was Ellen Still, it was closer than I thought with Cher- Datlow. Long and well-deserved her win yl’s Emerald City grabbing second before was, that’s for sure. She’s had such a great she heads over to the Semi-Pro category with run that I hope we get to see her name on a Charlie Browne and Dave Langford. couple of more rockets (and if the split hap- The shocker for me came from a lit- pens, I’m sure we will). tle award called Best Dramatic Presenta- The Drink Tank Issue 38 was written by Christopher J. Garcia, M Lloyd, Frank Wu, Liz Batty, and a few others whose names all appear where they were used. Got a comment? [email protected]. Wanna write something, I’m looking for an article on 1960s fandom. That is all. tion. The long form was a given to The In- topless. This would never fl y in a children’s credibles, which shocked no one, though I museum in the U.S. still wanted Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Not only that, but there was a TV ad Mind. The Short Form was given to the Bat- for a Mazda 5, wherein mannequins taken tlestar Galactica episode 33. I’m not really a for a ride are so excited by this bit of ma- fan, but I certainly think that Angel should chinery that their nipples become tumes- have won for Smile Time, but the votes were cent. split with Not Fade Away, the series closer. Yet again, oh my. I really don’t much I asked some care for BSG, es- UK fans about all pecially since it this, and they said doesn’t have Dirk that folks here Benedict or Lorne simply laugh about Green. these things and All in all, this then move on, with- was the year of the out getting their Brits and good on knickers in a wad. them. They put out But the question great stuff every remains: Are Ameri- year and a lot of it cans simply too gets over-looked by prudish, or do the US voting World- British have too cons. much of a childish, Benny Hill-like fascination with bums? How Frank Wu’s Random Observation About the much butt is too much butt is in the eye of UK #17: the beholder. Yet, I shudder to wonder what Here in Europe you can buy, if so in- someone might think who’s coming from a clined, an ugly little car with a big posterior country where women are covered from head called the Renault Megane. To celebrate the to toe. No wonder we hate and misunder- vehicle’s anatomical distinctiveness are TV stand each other. ads which show various nubile females wav- ing their derrieres like fl ags, while the song Feeling crappy about not winning a “I See You, Baby, Shakin’ That Ass” plays over and over and over again. One quick Hugo this past weekend? Think about shot even shows peaches bouncing around, this. Approximately 210 people have displaying their butt cracks. Oh my. I un- won Hugos (not counting Dramatic derstand that standards vary from country Presentations). A total of about 538 to country, but, um... Hugos have been given (counting When I went across the river Clyde to Dramatic Presentations and ties, but the science museum, I was amused to see a strange little puppet show - apparently counting Hugos split between multiple inspired by “The Thunderbirds” and other authors only once). programmes from Gerry Anderson. This The total world’s population is now puppet show told us about Dolly the cloned about 6,450,000,000, with about 1/ sheep, organ transplants, and Laika, the 5 of everyone born in the last 6,000 dog the Russkies shot into space. The organ years being alive today. recipient was wearing a hospital gown with a breezeway in the back, and you could see Thus, the average number of Hugo all his posterior wares. Again, oh my. And awards won per person who has ever the Barbie doll used as the heart donor was lived is: 0.00000002. You Want Candy by Jay Lake Art by J. Andrew World Taking a brief break from the your spit runs red across the pillowcase. WorldCon stuff, I used to run a Or maybe sneaking a bag of M&Ms into Semi-Pro called As Of Yet Untitled. church and slipping them into your Sadly, I sold the company that mouth through folded hands as the owned the rights to As Of Yet Unti- cripples toss their crutches across the tled before the fi rst issue came out fl oor only to collapse once the cameras and realised that I was no longer turn away. Well, the candyman’s got the real allowed to use the stories I had deal now. The goodie train stops at bought. One of them was by an up- my loading dock fi rst. This here blows and-comer name of Jay Lake. every sugar rush or caffeine buzz or This year at BayCon, I paid raw, nerve-jangling smack high right off him his kill fee for the story and the tracks. Knock your dad’s block off, then asked him if it would be OK if make momma sorry for everything she I were to use it in The Drink Tank. didn’t do, stake that sophomore bitch He said Yes and now, I am proud to Sue Anne Rawlins over a slow fi re -- present, Jay Lake’s You Want Can- ain’t none of that going to make you half dy! so happy as this shit. Here it is. See for yourself. The You Want Candy biggest blue pill ever made. This, my By friend, is happiness in a gelcap. You Jay Lake can’t do any better. Hell, it’s even sweet. All it costs is everything. Every What does candy really mean? A last thin dime -- your car title, your treat, right? That rush of fats, maybe kids’ college fund, grandma’s silver starches, fl ooding across your tongue, service. Just load it all on the truck for the brief high from the sugar, the sense me, won’t you? of satisfaction from scoring one off old Tell you what, I’ll even throw in a Mother Nature. Back when we fi rst money-back guarantee. If you’re not a dropped out of the trees to pick lice off hundred percent satisfi ed, I’ll unload each other’s scalps, joy like that was the truck for you. All you have to do is scarce as dog feathers. Now we got it, ask. all the damned time. Here you go. Enjoy. Me? Oh, friend, I’m the # candyman. I can get anything you Honest, offi cer, he just took off his want, tell you exactly how it will kill clothes and ran off howling.
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