AltFacts: Newsiest News from Round the World: Grab your knobs and your crayons, folks
Don’t Be a Knob (Israel)
Perpetual imperialist Israel is at it yet again. Last week, the nation’s prime minister, Benny Nuttyyahoo, announced plans to annex the West Bank should he survive the country’s upcoming election. The Anglo- Stalinist wet dream has spent the greater part of its existence tormenting their neighbors in the name of Yahweh, but this time they are going for broke. Dammit, why can’t you do something else instead, Israel? Like, whenever you feel like kicking the shit out of some wee Arab lad, or getting politically heavy when it’s really not necessary, go have a wank. Or a cup of coffee while reading an Agatha Christie novel. Indeed, all this goes for any empire out there wanting to be a knob (y’all know who you are). Don’t be a knob … just go tug on one instead.
Battle of Little Big Ben: LIVE
Reports are coming in thick and fast that General “Boris Johnston” Custer (UK Prime Minister) is continuing his suicide ride against the massed tribes of the European Union and Anti-Brexit Confederacy gathered on the banks of the Little Big Ben River, London. The flags may be fluttering and the horses may be snorting, but things have not been going well for the British leader. The general has lost many of his key players (Amber Judd and Phillip Lee among them), and latest indications suggest that he might be surrounded. The last known order given by the general was to halt his attack by suspending parliament in the hope that it would prevent the opposition from working on a fatal blow that would keep Britain in the EU. Stranded on top of a hill, the general is expected to make a glorious, if lonely, last stand; his very existence resting on the support of a radical Northern Irish minority group called the DUP (actually, look-up Arlene Foster – ed.). We’ll have more on this story as it develops.
Life Is Like a Box of Crayons
All eyes turned to the Oval Office earlier in the month, as the nation’s 45th commander-in-chief appeared to have used a Sharpie to doctor a map charting the course of Hurricane Dorian. But don’t be too harsh on the president; this revelation marks notable progress from using crayon on the bathroom walls to indicate his ideas on foreign policy. Rumors close to the source indicate that the president will be potty trained by the end of the month, largely because stores of diapers are running low given the frequency of visits by Donnie Jr.
Healthcare Wealthcare
The latest round of Democrat debates took place last week — and what a doozy it was. With Bernie Sanders shaking his little red book and Joe Biden forgetting his Alzheimer’s medicine yet again, Elizabeth Warren took the Hilaryian high ground to explain how shit we all are (even you, dear reader, you’re also a dickhead). Some Texan dude named Beto declared war on gun nuts (how many weeks ‘til he gets assassinated?), while Patrick Stewart-lookalike Amy Klobuchar spent the evening making Apollo 13 and Day After Tomorrow references just to appeal to the kool kids. Nobody suggested we use the NRA to cure encephalitis to end the current mosquito crisis (just shoot the bastards), and the burgeoning romance between Biden and Warren couldn’t stop me from imagining them throwing shapes in the janitor’s closet. One thing is for sure: it was a delightful womble of chaos that only served to show one thing: Trump’s gonna get another term, y’all (go stockpile them beans)!
AltFacts: Cranston Commies in Converse: Kids demand to do whatever they want
Introducing the CCCP (Cranston Children Communist Party)
As the public schools crisis continues to grip the state, the children of Rhode Island have taken matters into their own hands. On September 2, a pre-organized underground mob of 1,500 fourth graders stormed school buildings across Rhody and declared a coup in the name of communism and longer lunch breaks. The movement, organized by an anonymous group of Cranston-based eighth graders, is known as the CCCP, and proclaim from a manifesto that gives tweens free reign to act on individual impulsiveness. So far, cafeterias have been restocked with Jolly Ranchers and hot dogs, with gymnasiums transformed into places where you can run headfirst into a wall while wearing only a sieve as skull protection … and not get told off by some underpaid old fart in a suit scavenged from Savers. Speaking with Alt-Facts from inside a tent fort inside the math classroom, a CCCP spokesperson revealed that the coup would last until all demands were met, with the list including a pet horse (named Davey), as well as funds to actually stock cafeterias with food, and to consider the absurd notion of supplying teachers with resources and a decent living wage. [Crazy bloody socialists – ed.]
Fall Is Cancelled
You know all those annoying fuckers out there who keep yammering on about how great fall is when they should be enjoying the glory that is summer? Well, fate has been listening, and this year, The Farmer’s Almanac has decided to cancel the season entirely (yes, they do have that power). Instead, the hot weather is going to roll on until December 23 (averaging around 89.5), after which there will be beautiful seasonal snowfalls every day until March 17 (St. Paddy’s Day) upon which date, the 90-degree weather will return in earnest. To quote renowned New England poet and wordsmith Robert Frost, “Cast aside the Halloween refrain, and upon the early morn… you can stuff the pumpkin spice up your arse.”
AltFacts: Ten Reasons Not to Buy Greenland
1. It looks like a human liver that’s been rotated 90 degrees
2. Its national anthem is impossible to pronounce (try it, go on, try saying “Nunarput Utoqqarsuanngoravit”).
3. We should really try buying Ireland instead … or maybe some hot dogs.
4. Winter is coming, and that’s gonna be a bitch.
5. There are no Del’s there, or Walt’s, and apparently no ‘Gansett, either.
6. Canada is in the way.
7. Icebergs.
8. Skinny dipping means frostbite on your wedding vegetables.
9. IT’S NOT OURS TO BUY.
10. Also… IT’S NOT OURS TO BUY.
Spice Up Your Life
Well, this one was too easy. Sean Spicer recently announced his intention to appear on “Dancing with the Stars;” a boring-ass piece of drivel where C-List celebrities (I’ll be on there soon) learn how to dance with sexy professionals in sparkly Lycra. It’s basically porn for middle-aged women furiously sucking on cough drops … but I digress. Yes, old Seanie boy has taken a step up from first pitch duties at the Pawtucket TreasonSox, and will soon be twerking his porcine twerkbox in front of flustered grannies across the nation. Rumor has it that this foray into the creative arts is just the first in many leaps toward superstardom. According to those in the know, the former Trump press secretary harbors a secret goal of permanently ousting flaky self-promoter Gerri Halliwell from the Spice Girls, and making the whole thing a ’90s pop fantasy all his own. Cheeky little bastard! AltFacts: Big Happenings in Little Rhody: Perhaps willy freeing is a new summer trend
Saving People Money (So They Can Shoot Better)
We’ve all been there. Coming home from a long day at work, only a couple of hours before bed, but you still need to stock up on firearms so you can shoot the shit out of the minorities, immigrants, teachers and children threatening the integrity of this great nation. But fear not white supremacist hero, defender of the race, for there is an answer, and it comes out of Fayetteville, Arkansas. Yes, Walmart is one of the largest vendors of guns and ammunition on the planet, and its commitment to keeping everyone armed and paranoid is on par with the NRA. Last week, following three separate incidences of gun violence in Ohio, California and Texas, Walmart stuck to their guns in the face of radical leftist pressure to restrict sales of firearms and proceeded like nothing had happened in the first place. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Alt-Facts, an anonymous source at the top of the Walmart ladder revealed that the chain would instead attack the real villian fueling the crisis (Rockstar Entertainment et. al.) by ending the display of violent video games at all stores across their empire. Accordingly — in Walmart at least — firearms can continue to remain in the safe hands of the Second Amendment, its bearers unshaken by the endless pattering of leftist hysteria. However, the date the big WM plans to start selling Sherman Tanks and small nuclear weaponry to the citizens of Cleburne County, Alabama, has not, at time of print, been announced.
Whale of a Time
Navy veteran and all-around hero, Walter Wasowski of Middletown, recently came to the rescue of a whale that was trapped off the coast of Rockport, Mass. Spotting the distressed animal during a leisurely cruise, Wasowski promptly contacted the Marine Animal Entanglement Response team from the Center for Coastal Studies in Provincetown to lend a hand. In a process known as “unzipping,” willy freeing is a tricky procedure, with some in the business calling it just plain hard. But free the trapped monster they did, and after a pregnant pause, the beast plunged back into the depths. Why Mr. Wasowski was in Massachuestts in the first place, and not his native RI where we all belong, is still under investigation.
X Marks the Spot
Governor Gina “Hairspray” Raimondo recently announced that non-binary individuals (nothing to do computer code) will be able to have an X on their driving license to designate their gender identity. In what has been heralded as a step forward in freedom of sexual expression, the new law will come into place within the year and will be rolled out across the state. What this means for the X-Men series, however, is yet to be determined.
Record Breakers
Rumor has it that the Squad (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley and Rashida Tlaib) will be releasing a hip-hop album around Halloween. Featuring guest performances from Bernie “Beatbox” Sanders and Elizabeth “B-Boy” Warren, The Fall will focus on removing all the dying, orange leaves from the trees of Washington, gathering them into a pile and composting the remnants at a facility in Maryland. Whether there is some deeper analogy to this is, as far as we can tell, simply a coincidence.
It’s All in the Name
Sad news! Controversially named aquatic megabusiness, Water Wizz of Westerly, announced last week that they are closing their doors for good at the end of the season. According to sources close to the top, the closure comes after visitor numbers began to plummet following a change in urban slang. A motion was tabled to see the park renamed to Semen and Urine in order to bring it more in line with the lingo of today’s youth, but this, unfortunately, was defeated at the last minute.
AltFacts: Rhymes with Cruller: Hey Dems — hurts, donut?
Mueller This
Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen and why did everyone think something was going to happen? Robert Mueller is a man of his word, and as such he did not recant on any of the promises he made after releasing his infamous report; he wouldn’t comment at length, he would not be led off point and he would not engage in the tug-of-war between dems and repubs over who will do what with the most fetishized president in history. And yes, he confirmed that the report does not exonerate Trump over the 2016 election. But again, the circus, the circus. Nothing is going to change in the White House until at least 2020, and the foot stomping, divided politics of the Democrat party are indicators that an eight-year term is well on its way. But instead, it looks like the rebooting of the Mueller Report is yet another safety blanket for flustered liberals in the face of a Trumpian reality. And that achieves absolutely nothing, other than surrendering any initiative that might yet remain.
Spice Up Your Life (Then Piss Off)
What is a fate worse than death? Until last week, almost everyone would have said, “living in Worcester, Mass.” and be done with it. But then came July 19, and the standards for awfulness dropped even further. In what can only be described as crass hate-baiting, the Woostah-bound “Good Riddance” Pawsox invited former White House press sekkkretary Sean Spicer to throw the first pitch at “Pride Night at the Ballpark” (oh, the audacity), before continuing their existing promotion with Chick-fil-A that if a spectator caught a foul ball, everyone in the stadium would get a coupon for a free chicken sandwich from the anti-LGBTQ sludge slingers. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. The soon-to-be “Woo” Sox are rumored to have approached the Westboro Baptist Church for next year’s celebration of Pride, with snacks provided by Tide Pods; because if anything tastes worst than Chick-fil-A, it’s a mouthful of laundry detergent. NOS4A2 2.0
Warning! Absurdly named AMC show “NOS4A2” has been renewed for a second season, and while this means more dollars for the RI film industry, it also confirms that productions with pretentious names are here to stay. And it isn’t a victimless crime; all sorts of chaos has ensued in the show’s wake as directors attempt to reboot previous successes in line with AMC’s hipstery new trend. In Georgia, Tom Hanks has accepted the title role in the remake of 4ist Gump, while Hobbit fans everywhere can rejoice that Lord of Da Ringz is coming out in the spring. Longing for another bite at Peter Parker’s cherry? Spi-da-Man will be going into production this December, with the hotly anticipated Bak2 D’Future due in the fall. However, both Brad Pitt and George Clooney are reported to be distancing themselves from O’Shins!13; a romper comedy centered around a family of Irish podiatrists attempting to plunder the Vatican.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee (Pt. 2)…
(the longest sequel between columns in the history of the press)
Last summer, a floppy-haired imperial English Europhobe named Boris Johnson (Conservative Member of Parliament, UK) hosted a floppy-haired everything-aphobe called Donnie Thump at a meeting of racist idiots in London, England. Back then it was all fun and games; Tweedledum (aka. BoJo) was a comedic loon of a man who had very public aspirations for – but no real access to – the prime minister’s chair, while Tweedledee (Donnie) was a Twitter-bound nervous wreck trying to navigate a dying presidency from the golf course. But now things are a little different. Both men still look like clones, albeit one less ORANGE than the other … only that Tweedledum has actually become the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (and in doing so, hastened the UK’s demise into the Dark Age of Brexit), and Tweedledee has emerged from his confused stupor to figure out the game of politics, making him dangerously untouchable/pretty much a dictator. And together, they will just encourage each other’s hatred, bigotry and anti-cosmopolitan navel-gazing (used for the second time in as many editions), perhaps to the ultimate demise of democracy as we know it. (Anyone else stockpiling beans?)
#ClintonBodyCount
The White Wing of American politics just keeps getting sillier. Last Thursday, the hashtag #ClintonBodyCount started to trend on the Washington Herald (read, Twitter -ed.) …just in case anyone forgot that the president has a pathological obsession with the 42nd Commander-in-Chief and his political other half. According to this latest bout of hysteria, when convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein was found in his prison cell with neck injuries from an apparent suicide, it was toward the Clintons that twitching conservative fingers began to point. So, what actually happened? Speaking with an anonymous eyewitness, Alt-Facts has learned that ol’ Bill – dressed as the Hamburgler – was seen sneaking behind the Manhattan penitentiary where Epstein is incarnated, while HilDog – sporting a homemade incarnation of the Winifred Sanderson wig and frock – cast black magic on the prison guards. Thereafter, the rascally duo made a daring bid for Epstein’s throat, only to discover the clock was soon to strike midnight, meaning both Clintons would turn back into rats, thus thwarting their dastardly deed. The fact that the world might now be one step closer to being rid of a monster who molested children and trafficked teenage girls for prostitution and profit was, according to the public reaction, apparently neither here nor there.
AltFacts: We Wouldn’t Have Gone Anyway: Our tin foil hat is at the cleaners
Social Mold
What do Facebook, Twitter and the mold under my big toe have in common? They’re all full of trolls? They have a combined IQ of 47? No, the answer is that not one of them was invited to last Thursday’s “social media” summit at the White (Supremacy) House. Hosted by KKK Trump, the Orangutan-in-Chief invited a slew of radical right wingers, including some who would put old Addy Hitler to shame, to a self-congratulatory frenzy of naval-gazing propaganda that would make North Korea wonder where it all went wrong. In an official release, a White House spokesperson (actually) commented that “the President wants to engage directly with these digital leaders” …‘leaders’ who included Bill Mitchell, the radio host who actively stirred the pot in the QAnon conspiracy, and Joseph Goebbels, the winner of the 1937 Trump Media Truths Award.
It’s Called >>> Satire <<<
Last week, the Twittersphere demanded to know why Motif was publishing the thoughts of my Alt-Facts colleague, Grumpy McTrumpy, an individual dubbed a ranting “racist.” Which is disappointing, because none of my leftist diatribes ever get picked out as extreme, only those of my esteemed right-wing colleague. How is this fair? I’ve spent all year trying to get under the skin of the good people of RI, only to have a part-time, bit columnist pip me to it. So @AstroNat90, who is Grumpy McTrumpy? Well, in a rare, once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-repeated reveal behind the curtain, Grumpy McTrumpy is a s.a.t.i.r.i.c.a.l character intended to be an ironic look at the right (also written by the same anonymous dweeb who writes Newspaper Cowboy… you can see his face and hear his voice every week on our social media video edition of the column). We hope this clears things up for you.
Closed Doors
Good news! Last week, CNBC’S Top States for Business announced the winners, and losers, of their strength of state business rankings… and Lil’ Rhody came rock bottom. But it’s gonna be okay! As CNBC pointed out, back in January, Governor Raimundo said, “We’ve stopped the decline, and together we have ignited a comeback of this great state.” And that’s a fact… just ask Rhode Island’s public schools. Rhode Island Disaster Drinking Game
And while we’re on that topic, here’s a new drinking game! Anytime RI makes a political or economic balls-up, players must take a triple shot (to numb the pain) from a local spirits company. For instance. Do you live in Coventry? Best grab that bottle of Rhodium, because the state can’t afford to maintain your sewage system (or fund your fire department)! How about residents of Warwick? Time to reach for the White Dog, since your kids won’t be able to attend sports clubs come the fall.
Brexit Update
Throwing the Baby Out…
So, 2019 is here and it’s insane. Last week it was revealed that an Instagram user was selling her used bathwater to anyone who wanted some (we’ve ordered a vial, because my armpits stink), but then the controversy hit! Apparently, the individual’s DNA was not found in some of the samples sent (who investigates that?!), causing all sorts of controversy. However, Alt-Facts is always eager to provide solutions for the masses, and we are proud to announce a new line of desirable consumer goods! Not only is my BO now for sale in packs of three, but Rob Smith is selling his teeth for a dollar a pop and publisher Mike Ryan is shedding skin in one-ounce bags. All inquiries, contact [email protected]
AltFacts: Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting: They all want to take da bait
Divide and KKKonquer
For liberals, anti-populists and anyone out there with a shred of compassion, there is only one objective in 2020; to oust the current administration and see what can be resurrected from the ashes. But if last week’s capricious Democrat debates are anything to go on, there is one objective in the leftist establishment: to bicker and dissolve into poo-chucking “look-at-how-much-better-I-am” pettiness. There was little to suggest a grip on the bigger picture and few moments for hopeful progressives to hold onto, just a top-rate display of squabbling that demonstrates a significant lack of focus utterly lacking in strategy. But don’t worry, these overpaid blowhards will be fine when they inevitably lose the 2020 election and the rest of us continue to burn in the orange glow. Yay for the future!
Ken Cuccinelli Is Right
– Grumpy McTrumpy
Damn right he’s right! If anyone is to be blamed for the drowning of a refugee minor on US soil, it is the goddamned father. Showing-off his swimming prowess, El Salvadorian migrant Oscar Alberto Martinez dropped his 23-month-old daughter, Angie, on the shore and went back into the water to help his wife. In a disobedient move typical of illegal immigrants, the young Latina child refused to obey her father and headed back into the water, only to begin to drown. Her father was then forced to divert his focus, in the process losing both his life as well as his daughter’s. His fault? Totally. As Ken “Compassion” Cuccinelli pointed out, if the Martinez family had entered America legally, they would still be alive and enjoying McDonald’s under the gracious cloak of liberty and freedom. – GMT
…or, Angie reached American shores, only to think, “Bugger that,” before making a bid for freedom. – NC
Gerrymandering (Is Great Again)
Who needs Russians when you have Republicans? As the 2020 shadow looms, the right wing is rolling out all the old tricks, with gerrymandering being dusted off yet again as the prime conservative tool for realigning political boundaries (just in case Donald isn’t as powerful a genius as he claims to be). But this year it’s different; the Supreme Court declared last Thursday that gerrymandering is, to put it bluntly, perfectly logical. Who cares what the voters want or think? Best to categorize communities by their political leaning and make sure they serve your purpose … rather than the other way around. #PeoplesRepublic
Go Fung Yourself
Following-on from Allan Fung’s genius “Girls Just Wanna Fung” campaign, the latest from Rhody’s Trump Fanboy sees the Cranston conservative fill in as a host on WPRO radio … just in case anyone with insomnia needs some dull monotony to listen to before falling asleep. And this is nothing against Mr. Fung’s nice-guy personality, rather an observation on his unique (very unique? -ed.) ability to bore anyone reached by radio waves. But don’t worry! Good ol’ Allan has come-up with a great name for his slot: Go Fung Yourself (politely).
Take Me Home, Country Rhodes
Things are getting controversial up in the State’s northern wastelands. Following years of hard campaigning, legislators finally sided with concerned locals and declined a bid proposing a fracking plant in Burrillville. But not everyone is happy with the decision. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Alt-Facts, pro-fracking activist (and future Trump press secretary), Li’l Dixie Tucker explained, “We just want to make Rhody great again, and a big component of that vision was to create our very own version of West Virginia right here in the Biggest Little.” Because nothing says progress to conservatives like tearing apart the environment.
We Don’t Need No (Educayshun)
What do “unnecessary overtime,” the Fane Tower and Gina Raimondo’s hairspray habit have in common? If recent reports are to be believed, each of these items is vastly more important in Rhode Island than the whimsical commodity that is education. According to a study conducted by John Hopkin’s University, pupils in the Ocean State can expect a cocktail of rats, asbestos and violence when entering the classroom (and that’s just on Monday mornings), all shaken-up by ineffectual and thoroughly under-equipped teaching staff. But that’s fine, because what we really need to do is offer $25 million in tax credits to the cretins behind the Fane Tower project, rather than help the future of the nation. (Because giving a foot-up to those in need just enables them, the impudent bastards).
AltFacts: Thanks All Around!: The Vatican steps in (it) and aliens continue their search for intelligent life
Modern Gender Theory
The Vatican announced recently that what it refers to as “modern gender theory” is, in essence, the entire problem with everything on the planet. Which is helpful, because I could have sworn that the guilty parties were Nazis, dickheads and the PawSox baseball team (traitors), rather than people with their own ideas on gender. Granted, the church hasn’t had a very strong history in understanding matters not readily apparent in the physical form (apart from God, which they are still convinced exists), but if someone with a penis feels more comfortable identifying as a woman because that makes them feel better in their own head … so what? Leave them alone, you unimaginative, 2D, befrocked, penguin-impersonating shower of paedos! It’s none of your fecking business. (Note, “paedo” is the root word for children, not “pedo.” Leave those foot fetishists alone.)
California Goes Crazy (Oh, AND Aliens)
In the latest move aimed at giving the corpse of Ronald Reagan an aneurism, California has announced it will provide illegal immigrants with Medicare (provided their income is suitably low to fall within the conventional brackets … let’s not get too crazy here). Demonstrating a radical new leftist notion tentatively referred to as “basic human decency,” the Nation of Pelosi is sticking it to the Big House by supporting those who might just need a smidgen of support. Moments later, angry white men everywhere started shouting about how this imposes on their freedom, Jesus and guns, usually on Facebook while taking a shit in a Walmart bathroom. But this is good, because on a planet far from here, the evil dictator Fughtopinz has decided all this is too crazy even for him, and so called off his planned invasion of Earth … thanks racists (I guess?)
Thanks Donald!
The USA Women’s soccer team earned a thrilling 13 – 0 victory over Thailand in last week’s World Cup, ensuring they proceed to the knockout stages. Ever the magnanimous leader, president Donald “I Know All About Balls” Trump called the team to wish them his heartiest congratulations. Handily, our spy in the White House leaked a transcript of the conversation, and it makes for interesting reading:
“Well done, girls. You’ve shown the communist Asians a thing or two about sporting prowess. I should know. I have the sportingist prowess of all the sporting prowessists out there. I also appreciate that you dedicated the victory to me, scoring a goal per inch of my magnificent gentleman sausage. Which is HUUUGE, don’t worry. My hands may be tiny, but that is the Lord’s way of ensuring I can be delicate when touching lady gardens. Speaking of which, if you win the baseball tournament, come to the capital. We’ll put on an after dark pool party like you’ve never seen. Never seen.”
Our source suggests that McDonald’s has been tapped to cater the event, but Allan Fung waits in the wings, just in case he is presented with another chance to suck up to his ginger-skinned master.
AltFacts: Whatta Peach! The newspaper cowboy envisions a post-impeachment world and makes a few other summer predictions
Impeachment Predictions
At the time of writing, Democrats are scrambling for any modicum of evidence to suggest that Donald Trump is worthy of impeachment. While this is the summer guide and whatever we discuss here in relation to the president will be staler than a duck’s fart come August, let’s make some predictions on where the impeachment train will be by September. Act one will see Nancy Pelosi using candy to bribe Donald Trump Jr. to gain access his father’s personal books. Once there, Pelosi will discover that far from being in collusion with Russia, Trump doesn’t actually have anything. The whole thing is built on whispers and promises, from Trump Tower all the way down to the Trump branded pens at Trump Hotels. Act two. When it is revealed that what the president has been so jealously protecting has been his own nothingness, the whole world will fall apart when everyone suddenly realizes that everything is built on pretense and supposition. Even Facebook. Chaos will ensue. People burning $100 bills for kicks, orangutans occupying the Oval Office (not politically, just there, doing orangutany stuff amid the trees that grew from the rubble). And among it all, in a golden glow given off by all the flames from everything that’s on fire everywhere, the country’s final president will bask in his ultimate glory, having brought utter disaster to the entire universe. The end.
Generation Netflix
So, you’re surprised that the inbred blonde lady with the dragon fetish and an insane father went crazy? Got it. And none of those subtle clues gave it away? Right. But even then, you’re signing petitions to get the storyline changed, even though you’re also defenders of artistic expression. Got it … don’t think there’s anything else to say here, really.
A Brand-New World
Taco Bell has upped the brand loyalty game this summer by opening its very own hotel (actually). Not to be outdone, rival fast food slingers have been rolling out their own wacky concepts. Pizza Hut will be opening a brothel. Named Slut Hut, patrons can expect extra cheese and sausage on every surface. Meanwhile, executives under the Golden Arches will be opening an assisted living facility called Old McDonald’s Retirement Farm (with dementia here, and…). Last but not least, Burger King will embrace gender neutrality through its latest venture, Burger Drag Queens … now with extra buns.
Sweet Womb Alabama
The world is in uproar now that Alabama has gone ahead and made abortions illegal. But let’s stand back for a second and figure out why. Alabama loves guns, right? Alabama ALSO loves sending people to the electric chair, especially if they are black. And their favorite pastime of all? Combining the two! Killing minorities is great fun, but you can’t enjoy this rite of passage if they have a way to abort future Black Lives Matter victims while still in the womb. Context people, context!
Oh Gully!
Gina has gone and done it again. Her latest brilliant idea sees seagulls banned from the state’s public beaches for the duration of the summer months. But the move has been met with outcry. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Motif, leader of the Seagulls Against Gross Genus Injustice (SAGGI), Chip Steeler, had this to say: “It’s sad that seagulls still face discrimination in 2019. It is a fundamental seagull right to be able to patrol the beaches of Rhode Island, shitting in ice creams and eating fries as we have always done. This is discrimination, pure and simple.” Steeler also commented that, “There are even some members of the human community who identify as seagulls. Does Ms. Raimondo plan to restrict their right to freedom of expression, too?” The debate rages on.
AltFacts: Nice Day for a Pic-a-Nic: Unlike the last two years, which have been no picnic Nothing says education like guns
There, There, It’s Gonna Be Fine
Foster, Hopkinton and West Greenwich have all joined Burriville in becoming sanctuary towns for the Second Amendment. Responding to Governor Raimondo’s proposal to restrict the availability of assault weapons and, you know, monitor how close guns can get to schools, a group of concerned citizens has declared their freedom-lovin’ backyards as sanctuaries for all those feeling oppressed by a little bit of logic. And I get it … this is America, and bears exist here, but you don’t need a submachine gun to defend yourself against Yogi and his pals. And before you raise the dreamy-headed notion that a militia needs to exist in order to defend the nation against a tyrannical government, the odds that Mayor Elorza will aggressively expand his empire anytime soon are fairly slim, don’t you think?
More, More, More
President Trump insinuated last week that he is owed an additional two years in office as reparations for the time spent undergoing the Mueller investigation. Okay, so let’s say we give him that. What else should be refunded for time lost? I, for one, want six weeks back for all the time spent listening to people tell me how great Rhode Island used to be (I think it’s pretty darn sensational as it is), but more importantly, surely the nation is due two years for having to endure Trump’s BS in the first place.
President “Yoghurts” Baldwin
Education has become so farcical in the US that you might as well give up now. In the White House, the president continues to maintain his “nothing to see here” approach to school shootings … while another one happens in Colorado. Meanwhile, here in Lil Rhody, Warwick schools are in such a poor state that they aren’t able to afford to feed their students. The crisis came to a head last week when president- impersonator Alec Baldwin did the presidential thing and contacted the Warwick Schools system to find out what on earth was going on. But not even the promise of a slot in the next edition of “SNL” tempted the commissioners to come to a solution. However, a hero did come to the rescue. Yes, on May 9, overpriced yogurt magnate, Chobani, stepped in and cut a check to cover the cost of the crisis and put it to sleep once and for all. What does this mean for the children of Warwick? Well, if this is the sort of reality they experience as kids, they’ll have no need to experiment with LSD when they’re older. #SilverLining