AltFacts: Newsiest News from Round the World: Grab your knobs and your crayons, folks Don’t Be a Knob (Israel) Perpetual imperialist Israel is at it yet again. Last week, the nation’s prime minister, Benny Nuttyyahoo, announced plans to annex the West Bank should he survive the country’s upcoming election. The Anglo- Stalinist wet dream has spent the greater part of its existence tormenting their neighbors in the name of Yahweh, but this time they are going for broke. Dammit, why can’t you do something else instead, Israel? Like, whenever you feel like kicking the shit out of some wee Arab lad, or getting politically heavy when it’s really not necessary, go have a wank. Or a cup of coffee while reading an Agatha Christie novel. Indeed, all this goes for any empire out there wanting to be a knob (y’all know who you are). Don’t be a knob … just go tug on one instead. Battle of Little Big Ben: LIVE Reports are coming in thick and fast that General “Boris Johnston” Custer (UK Prime Minister) is continuing his suicide ride against the massed tribes of the European Union and Anti-Brexit Confederacy gathered on the banks of the Little Big Ben River, London. The flags may be fluttering and the horses may be snorting, but things have not been going well for the British leader. The general has lost many of his key players (Amber Judd and Phillip Lee among them), and latest indications suggest that he might be surrounded. The last known order given by the general was to halt his attack by suspending parliament in the hope that it would prevent the opposition from working on a fatal blow that would keep Britain in the EU. Stranded on top of a hill, the general is expected to make a glorious, if lonely, last stand; his very existence resting on the support of a radical Northern Irish minority group called the DUP (actually, look-up Arlene Foster – ed.). We’ll have more on this story as it develops. Life Is Like a Box of Crayons All eyes turned to the Oval Office earlier in the month, as the nation’s 45th commander-in-chief appeared to have used a Sharpie to doctor a map charting the course of Hurricane Dorian. But don’t be too harsh on the president; this revelation marks notable progress from using crayon on the bathroom walls to indicate his ideas on foreign policy. Rumors close to the source indicate that the president will be potty trained by the end of the month, largely because stores of diapers are running low given the frequency of visits by Donnie Jr. Healthcare Wealthcare The latest round of Democrat debates took place last week — and what a doozy it was. With Bernie Sanders shaking his little red book and Joe Biden forgetting his Alzheimer’s medicine yet again, Elizabeth Warren took the Hilaryian high ground to explain how shit we all are (even you, dear reader, you’re also a dickhead). Some Texan dude named Beto declared war on gun nuts (how many weeks ‘til he gets assassinated?), while Patrick Stewart-lookalike Amy Klobuchar spent the evening making Apollo 13 and Day After Tomorrow references just to appeal to the kool kids. Nobody suggested we use the NRA to cure encephalitis to end the current mosquito crisis (just shoot the bastards), and the burgeoning romance between Biden and Warren couldn’t stop me from imagining them throwing shapes in the janitor’s closet. One thing is for sure: it was a delightful womble of chaos that only served to show one thing: Trump’s gonna get another term, y’all (go stockpile them beans)! AltFacts: Cranston Commies in Converse: Kids demand to do whatever they want Introducing the CCCP (Cranston Children Communist Party) As the public schools crisis continues to grip the state, the children of Rhode Island have taken matters into their own hands. On September 2, a pre-organized underground mob of 1,500 fourth graders stormed school buildings across Rhody and declared a coup in the name of communism and longer lunch breaks. The movement, organized by an anonymous group of Cranston-based eighth graders, is known as the CCCP, and proclaim from a manifesto that gives tweens free reign to act on individual impulsiveness. So far, cafeterias have been restocked with Jolly Ranchers and hot dogs, with gymnasiums transformed into places where you can run headfirst into a wall while wearing only a sieve as skull protection … and not get told off by some underpaid old fart in a suit scavenged from Savers. Speaking with Alt-Facts from inside a tent fort inside the math classroom, a CCCP spokesperson revealed that the coup would last until all demands were met, with the list including a pet horse (named Davey), as well as funds to actually stock cafeterias with food, and to consider the absurd notion of supplying teachers with resources and a decent living wage. [Crazy bloody socialists – ed.] Fall Is Cancelled You know all those annoying fuckers out there who keep yammering on about how great fall is when they should be enjoying the glory that is summer? Well, fate has been listening, and this year, The Farmer’s Almanac has decided to cancel the season entirely (yes, they do have that power). Instead, the hot weather is going to roll on until December 23 (averaging around 89.5), after which there will be beautiful seasonal snowfalls every day until March 17 (St. Paddy’s Day) upon which date, the 90-degree weather will return in earnest. To quote renowned New England poet and wordsmith Robert Frost, “Cast aside the Halloween refrain, and upon the early morn… you can stuff the pumpkin spice up your arse.” AltFacts: Ten Reasons Not to Buy Greenland 1. It looks like a human liver that’s been rotated 90 degrees 2. Its national anthem is impossible to pronounce (try it, go on, try saying “Nunarput Utoqqarsuanngoravit”). 3. We should really try buying Ireland instead … or maybe some hot dogs. 4. Winter is coming, and that’s gonna be a bitch. 5. There are no Del’s there, or Walt’s, and apparently no ‘Gansett, either. 6. Canada is in the way. 7. Icebergs. 8. Skinny dipping means frostbite on your wedding vegetables. 9. IT’S NOT OURS TO BUY. 10. Also… IT’S NOT OURS TO BUY. Spice Up Your Life Well, this one was too easy. Sean Spicer recently announced his intention to appear on “Dancing with the Stars;” a boring-ass piece of drivel where C-List celebrities (I’ll be on there soon) learn how to dance with sexy professionals in sparkly Lycra. It’s basically porn for middle-aged women furiously sucking on cough drops … but I digress. Yes, old Seanie boy has taken a step up from first pitch duties at the Pawtucket TreasonSox, and will soon be twerking his porcine twerkbox in front of flustered grannies across the nation. Rumor has it that this foray into the creative arts is just the first in many leaps toward superstardom. According to those in the know, the former Trump press secretary harbors a secret goal of permanently ousting flaky self-promoter Gerri Halliwell from the Spice Girls, and making the whole thing a ’90s pop fantasy all his own. Cheeky little bastard! AltFacts: Big Happenings in Little Rhody: Perhaps willy freeing is a new summer trend Saving People Money (So They Can Shoot Better) We’ve all been there. Coming home from a long day at work, only a couple of hours before bed, but you still need to stock up on firearms so you can shoot the shit out of the minorities, immigrants, teachers and children threatening the integrity of this great nation. But fear not white supremacist hero, defender of the race, for there is an answer, and it comes out of Fayetteville, Arkansas. Yes, Walmart is one of the largest vendors of guns and ammunition on the planet, and its commitment to keeping everyone armed and paranoid is on par with the NRA. Last week, following three separate incidences of gun violence in Ohio, California and Texas, Walmart stuck to their guns in the face of radical leftist pressure to restrict sales of firearms and proceeded like nothing had happened in the first place. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Alt-Facts, an anonymous source at the top of the Walmart ladder revealed that the chain would instead attack the real villian fueling the crisis (Rockstar Entertainment et. al.) by ending the display of violent video games at all stores across their empire. Accordingly — in Walmart at least — firearms can continue to remain in the safe hands of the Second Amendment, its bearers unshaken by the endless pattering of leftist hysteria. However, the date the big WM plans to start selling Sherman Tanks and small nuclear weaponry to the citizens of Cleburne County, Alabama, has not, at time of print, been announced. Whale of a Time Navy veteran and all-around hero, Walter Wasowski of Middletown, recently came to the rescue of a whale that was trapped off the coast of Rockport, Mass. Spotting the distressed animal during a leisurely cruise, Wasowski promptly contacted the Marine Animal Entanglement Response team from the Center for Coastal Studies in Provincetown to lend a hand. In a process known as “unzipping,” willy freeing is a tricky procedure, with some in the business calling it just plain hard. But free the trapped monster they did, and after a pregnant pause, the beast plunged back into the depths.