The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper issue 1053 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 6 MARCH 2003 free

MORE NEWS ON THE “LIGHTS. CAMERA. ACTION” CAMPAIGN Letters from readers; an in depth look at MP offers campaign support the stories from barefacts over the last five years and messages of support from various IN A MEETING with a Students’ Union of - departments in ficer last Friday, Sue Doughty, the Member and around the of Parliament for Guildford, pledged her university | support to the “ Lights. Camera. Action ” page 3 campaign launched last week, saying: “This issue is very important. Safety is absolutely paramount.” During the 25 minute meeting with Toni Borneo, the Education & Welfare officer of USSU, Mrs Doughty, flanked by local councillor Linda Strudwick, said she was very concerned with the recent spate of ARE YOU AN IDEAL attacks in the highlighted underpasses and HOUSEMATE? suggested many ways in which the cam - James Sheppard paign can move forward. Suggesting ways presents barefacts very in which the campaign can move forward, own guide to help you Mrs Doughty said she would “raise the cam- find out if you will be paign and problem with the chief executive the one leaving smelly of the Borough Council and seek support socks in the lounge | from Councillors.” She also suggested that page 9 a partnership known as the Safer Guildford Partnership would be able to help. IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER Last Tuesday also saw the local newspa- per, The Surrey Advertiser , interested in Sir George Edwards dies the campaign. More details, as well as the The man after whom the library was named Vice Chancellor’s reaction, in next week’s Above: USSU Education & Welfare officer Toni Borneo talks to Guildford’s MP Sue Doughty (left) and local dies after a long and successful academic barefacts. More campaign news: page 3. councillor Linda Strudwick about the “Lights. Camera. Action campaign launched in barefacts last week. career News | page 2 The case against International exhibition opens One W orld festival in style Further analysis of the situation in Iraq. This week, the argument against a war in BY CHARLOTTE DAWSON in Haris bar with a buf fet that was the Middle East Opinion | page 5 VP SOCIETIES & CULTURE (USSU) devoured in record time. There was What is this all about? a chance to sample some Greek wine Ben Supper gets out of bed early and writes TO OPEN THIS year’ s One W orld and events turned into a bit of a party down some of his thoughts. As always, it Festival, the International Exhibition by the end. Far Eastern culture was makes for interesting reading | page 4 took place on T uesday night in in abundance, with plenty of chances the main Students’ Union. The to learn to play Chinese games, have Thought for international week Charlotte Dawson looks at International exhibition was a massive event with your name written on the T aiwanese Week from an interesting perspective: the every international society from the stand and videos of Malaysia, 100 population idea Union | page 7 Union displaying the goods and Singapore and beyond. I personally customs that often symbolise their learnt a lot from the T amil society My name is Charlie Kaufman culture. It was a truly inspiring about a culture and tradition I had The creators of Being John Malkovich reconvene to confuse the heck out of Paul event: something you will never see never encountered before. I can’ t Wright once again barearts | page 10 again in the Union! name every society , but every stall The event had been in the planning was original and thanks must go to Pretty poor sporting performance stages for many weeks and succeeded all societies. Kris Temple reports on Surrey’s big trip down to Southampton which was, appar- in giving societies the platform Many more events will continue our ently, a waste of time Sport | page 24 from which they could promote Festival, but this will go down as one their society . Stalls from societies of the busiest Exhibitions of all time, were rich in culture, music, tourist with visitors from the University , information (for anyone considering local community and beyond. traveling – I’ve definitely been International week will climax convinced) and samples of traditional with the Gala on Friday night in the food and drink. University Hall, with a chance for The Hellenic and Cypriot society , students to sample a few of the many who combined certainly constitute cultures on campus in greater detail. one of the lar ger groups of A full report will appear in bar efacts international students, had a stall next week. 2 NEWS 6 March 2003 NUS launches national billboard “funding the future” campaign

BY RICH WATTS Cardiff, Birmingham, Manchester, Leeds and Bristol. NUS HAS LAUNCHED an unprecedented NUS President, Mandy Telford, who spoke billboard campaign across England and at USSU on behalf of NUS last week, said: Wales. Advertising experts, Bartle Bogle “We are delighted to have the support of and Hegarty (BBH) are supporting their such prestigious companies as we campaign Funding the Future campaign, together with for a fairer student funding system. The JCDecaux - leaders in outdoor advertising. opportunities provided by BBH and Both companies have donated their services JCDecaux will ensure that NUS messages pro-bono. are taken to the public and politicians alike. The nationwide campaign, which endorses This is a crucial time in the fight against NUS’ message on the white paper proposals, increased fees and growing student debt. will adorn 30 billboards in over 13 cities The proposed system will see rich students across England and Wales from early being able to pick and choose any course at March 2003 for two weeks. The billboards any institution while poorer students will are a massive 200 square feet and at prime have to opt for courses within their financial locations in major cities such as London, reach.”

BY PHILIP HOWARD that they were being “selfish and greedy” UniS’ first NUS accused of being NEWS EDITOR by protecting middle class higher education students over working class students at Pro-Chancellor dies ‘selfish and greedy’ but this is opposed by the NUS on the schools and colleges which would benefit. grounds that it puts graduates who enter BY RICH WATTS AT A MEETING of the education select low paid jobs on a never-ending treadmill. committee, Barry Sheerman asked whether Said Mandy Telford: “If you charge a higher GEORGE EDWARDS, THE University’s first the NUS was not being “rather selfish and interest rate, those who are the poorest will Pro-Chancellor and the man after which the greedy”, reports the THES, when the NUS end up paying the most for the rest of their library was named, has died this last week. presented evidence opposing a real-terms lives.” In a statement to the University, Professor interest rate for students loans. The members of the select committee Patrick Dowling, the Vice Chancellor, said: The increase in interest above inflation to questioned the motives of Ms Telford and “It was Sir George’s vision and tenacity market rates could raise £1bn for education, the rest of the NUS leaders, on the grounds that, in the early days, did much to create the University’s unique approach and to ensure that it remained rooted in the real world.” He went on to say: “Sir George Edwards Study reveals hidden violence toward university lecturers became Pro-Chancellor designate in 1964 and Pro-Chancellor two years later on the Y HILIP OWARD day the University was granted its Royal ACCORDING TO THE THES this week, B P H around, rewording emails, all to Charter. At this time he was at the peak lecturers are coming under increased NEWS EDITOR prevent the situation occurring. of his distinguished career in aeronautical risk of attack from students, through Reporting on the 300% increase in engineering. During his 15 years as Pro- violence, intimidation or harassment. According to the study, often knives and guns found in student Chancellor, Sir George did far more than The phenomenon was uncovered by students are not expelled or otherwise rooms at one university, Lee asks: appear at formal ceremonies and meetings. He devoted much time and effort to academic the uffield Foundation, by Deborah punished because the managers “The fact remains, though: students development in the University, particularly Lee of Derby University. involved are so scared of losing the have funs and knives. Is it just a in promoting its relationship with industry. A national official at Natfhe, the money for the students, more so matter of time before an academic His influence was also felt on the sports lecturers’ union, said: “Higher than in the past. Also highlighted is stabbed or shot?”. One female field, especially in cricket for which he was educaytion is now a pre-cursor to is the dent to lecturers’ confidence lecturer was threatened with stabbing a passionate enthusiast. Besides serving as President of Surrey County Cricket Club, earning more money, and students when students complain about when offering assistance with he was also the first President of the Staff are under much more pressure. They them, undermining the rapport that coursework. “She made a physical Cricket Club.” are more likely to raise complaints is crucial to academic identity. One threat, it was something about a On his retirement as Pro-Chancellor in as there is more at stake from their lecturer, accused of poor dissertation knife, a knife between my ribs or my 1979, Sir George was made Doctor of the point of view.” supervision by a pupil who wanted a shoulder blades.” University honoris causa and also became Pro-Chancellor Emeritus. In the THES feature on the issue, 2:1 instead of the 2:2 they received, Ms Lee believes many lecturers are barefacts extends its sympathy and Ms Lee says that “yob culture said: “I’d kind of built up my on the brink of leaving their jobs: “it admiration to Sir George’s family. A service is definitely at university”. She reputation on the fact that I was a is not worth the hassle – especially not of Thanksgiving will be held soon. continues: “Academics have been good teacher and that my door was when unacceptable student conduct physically assaulted in classrooms, always open to my students. So it is heaped on serious overwork.” She stalked around campus, sexually kind of ate at the heart of everything proposes that UK universities should harassed via email, verbally I thought I was good at”. She only clearly highlight the unacceptability threatened at home and maliciously believed others who insisted she was of harassment via policies and codes accused of poor teaching, inadequate innocent ‘when she discovered that of conduct, with both lecturers and dissertation supervision or unfair the student was fabricating evidence students kept fully informed of them. examination /coursework marking to support her complaint’ writes Lee. “Students are not children whom we via student evaluation questionnaires The lecturer later left her job after should indulge, they are adults who or complaints made directly to she began to make notes after every must learn to take responsibility for managers.” meeting, trying to keep witnesses themselves.” 6 March 2003 CAMPAIGN FOCUS 3 “You have a case” says local MP

SUE DOUGHTY – THE Member of Parliament BY EWAN PANTER, TONI BORNEO for Guildford – supports the “Lights. Camera. AND RICH WATTS 2 Action” campaign that this paper began last week. Mrs Doughty, together with Onslow would see the chief executive of the council. 8 ward councillor Lynda Strudwick, began “This is the [sort of] thing we really need a meeting organised last week by saying to be taking to the chief executive and 11 that they were very much in favour of the expressing concern about this whole 6 3 campaign, with Mrs Doughty commenting: thing and developing a strategy with the 1 5 7 4 “I think it is very, very important...if it is councillors that takes this whole issue 10 preventable, let’s prevent it.” seriously and overcomes the problem of 9 Thinking of ways to move forward, the MP boundaries and responsibilities.” said that it is very important that the Union Work carried out by barefacts and the and the University’s security department Students’ Union, in the form of Toni work together to fully discover the size Borneo – the Education & Welfare officer of the problem and to solve it, saying: – has seen numerous messages of support “Backup from the security department will for the campaign from all departments be very powerful evidence” in any funding of the University and the local area, all application made to the Safer Guildford of which will be published next week. Partnership fund – the organisation most “LCA” (“Lights. Camera. Action.”) are also The map above displays the location (992) likely to provide the funds to install lighting currently awaiting a response from the Vice- of eleven serious incidents reported in 5 5/00: Surrey Court, student nurse and cameras. Chancellor’s office, though we understand barefacts over the last five years. They sexually assaulted coming back from Mrs Strudwick also mentioned that local he supports fully the campaign. constitute only those incidents reported to WNO barefacts (984) Community Wardens and the Police should Most impressive this week has been the barefacts and show how vulnerable the west 6 2/00: A3 underpass, student mugged also be involved in assessment of how best support of those who have signed the petition side of campus is. and beaten barefacts (975) to meet the problem and may also be able to calling for action from those who can provide The “Lights. Camera. Action.” campaign 7 4/98: A3 underpass, non-student male provide further records of incidents around it. The original target of 200 signatures was is currently liaising with University Security attacked, 01:15 Surrey Advertiser (3/4/98) the underpasses. barefacts is currently soon revised when 50 people signed in 20 to compile a full file of incidents. from google. undertaking this task with both the police minutes early on Monday morning, and 1 7/11/02: A3 underpass, attempted 8 11/9/98: Southway underpass, 11 and the security department. When queried estimates suggest that over 350 people have assault, 14:30, female student barefacts Students attacked by thugs barefacts about the attitude of local residents to the signed the petition at the time of going to (1044) (940) problem Lynda said “…I can’t think that press. It is vital that evidence is gathered to 2 14/02/02: Southway underpass, 3 9 20/9/97: Nr. Yorkies Bridge, women there would be anyone who would be support the campaign’s objectives. As such, students beaten up barefacts (1025) attacked with knife barefacts (913) anything but supportive of any move to please get in touch if you have experienced 3 17/10/00: Footpath going next to 10 15/11/97: Nr. Cathedral, 3 students improve it.” any difficulties in the underpasses, or know Southway underpass, women indecently attacked barefacts (920) Commenting on our objectives, Mrs of anyone that has. Send your responses assaulted barefacts (992) 11 21/11/97: A3 underpass, 2 students Doughty said that talk of bridges is not to either [email protected] or 4 23/10/00: Footpath from Cathedral beaten up leaving FNO barefacts (922) realistic at this early stage, and said she [email protected]. roundabout, women chased along barefacts Research: Ewan Panter

Dear barefacts, no choice but to cycle home alone - I can on your friends and flatmates than you’d Dear barefacts, hardly wake up my flat mates to come and like, but surely that’s better than the other As a female student, I am glad to see that meet me! alternative. I read with interest your Underpass something is being done about the safety www.funkyberry.com Many students don’t have the luxury of Although it’s not ideal and I am definitely campaign last week. As a regular user for of students with the launch of the “lights, a bike and I also have to walk sometimes, not condoning it, if you have no choice or the last 5 years of the Southway underpass camera, action” campaign, although perhaps particularly when I have to carry musical desperately feel the need to walk home both travelling to and from work on campus it has taken a little too long to get the instruments onto campus. This involves alone then tell someone where you are going and sometimes for leisure activities in the ball rolling. This is especially surprising either walking through the Tesco or the and let them know when you get home evenings, I fully support the campaign when incidents have been occurring in Southway underpass. In the past, my female by sending a text or phoning to let them as there seems to be one safety incident the underpasses for several months now. housemate and I felt that the Southway know you are safe. This applies especially after another reported in this area. Many (“When will the attacks stop? barefacts issue underpass was better lit, but with the recent when you’ve been out for a few drinks members of staff both read Barefacts and 1044) Unfortunately is has taken yet another spate of attacks it just feels more cut-off and probably think you could take on an use the underpasses to travel onto campus incident, reported in barefacts issue 1051, from the world, away from houses and roads army. You can guarantee that your friends and are just as concerned as students about for an official campaign to be launched. with no help within easy reach. At least the would never forgive themselves if you were these incidents. But will all the advice and safety measures Tesco route is near the A3 between the two attacked when you walked home alone and May I suggest that you extend your really make any difference to the safety tunnels and then near the Tesco roundabout nobody knew you had even left. campaign to staff as well as students, perhaps of students when we are all trying to lead as you emerge from the second underpass. Despite all I have to say about my fellow by asking them to sign the petition as well? independent lives and sometimes have no The main issue that worries me is stubborn female students, surely the male Have you also considered contacting local choice about when and how we get onto regarding female students walking home students who live off campus are just as schools who’s pupils use these underpasses campus. alone. In this day and age, young women are vulnerable. They might be a less obvious to see if they are interested in joining The Park Barn area of Guildford is made taught to stand-up for themselves, to take target but a male student walking alone the campaign too? A joint campaign by out to have a bad reputation and people are control of their lives and be independent. could well be approached by a group of students and staff of UniS and the local often surprised when I say that I feel least Unfortunately, this independence has a habit people and be placed in a similar situation to schools would be likely to carry a lot of vulnerable when I reach the Park Barn of leading to stubborn streaks in the young a woman walking alone. So, it’s probably a weight. Hopefully the council will see it estate on my journey home. Yes, there are women of my generation (myself included, good idea that you watch out for your male as a high priority to improve safety in these sometimes groups of kids around, but late without a doubt!). “Why should we have to friends as well as your female ones. areas and meet our demands as quickly as at night the estate is very quiet and quite depend upon men for emotional or physical We just have to hope that the safety possible, before another incident occurs pleasant. support?” they say, “ Are we not capable of measures that might arise from the incidents I am lucky enough to have a bicycle, which looking after ourselves?” of the last few months will deter attackers Yours faithfully, I use to get to and from campus the majority Well, girls, have I got news for you! NO, and might make us feel safer in the town that TRACEY DAWS of the time. This perhaps allows me a little you can’t look after yourselves, not when many of us call home. Remember, whether IT Services more freedom than those on foot. At least someone who is probably about twice your you walk home with a female friend or a I am moving slightly faster and a potential weight and is bigger and stronger than you male friend or a mixture of the two, safety- Thanks to both readers for their attacker would probably find it more (blame evolution!) is grabbing hold of you. in-numbers still applies. As Jerry Springer letters. barefacts would like to echo difficult to grab hold of me. Unfortunately Take the advice given to you by Toni Borneo, would say, “take care of yourselves, and Tracey’s sentiments above and asks my chosen degree often means I have to be take the advice given to you by your friends each other.” everyone to write in about their expe- on campus for long hours, often staying and don’t let yourselves be vulnerable. Yes, Yours sincerely, riences and thoughts on ‘LCA’. until the early hours of the morning. I have you might have to be bit more dependant KATHRYN BERESFORD 4 OPINION 6 March 2003

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION UNION HOUSE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY GUILDFORD GU2 7XH WWW.USSU.CO.UK A good start - but we must keep the pressure on

A week on from the launch of the “Lights. passes through them. Potential attackers Camera. Action.” campaign and we are do not differentiate between those who are already seeing excellent steps being taken students and those who are not. They do not to make sure our message - the message of discriminate against those who carry Tescos the student body - is being heard in the right bags. They are simply there to cause great places. anxiety and distress to those who are not The front page highlights the commitment protected by their surroundings. Above: the calm of the lecture theatres before the election circus rolled into town. Full results next week. the local MP has made to the cause, but Please continue to support this campaign. aside from this, the petition - which only Judging by those that have been involved started last Monday morning - has now already, it is obviosu this is something that well over 400 signatures on it (from staff we are all concerned about. This might be a confidence crisis and students alike) and the local press is Check your e-mails, tell your friends, send showing an interest. Many departments us any incidents that have happened to you People are running about spoil my fun. Raaaargh. We around the university are also pledging their or someone you know. like ants, all moving objects BEN SUPPER pay security. We pay the support, most notably the accommodation The more information we can present to from a certain place and cleaners. He who pays the office and their very helpful manager, Mr the powers that be, the more powerful and putting them in another “NUS: in or out? Pepsi or piper calls the tune. Richard Paxton. convincing the case for lights, cameras and certain place. Such is the coke? Two Stellas, please. NUS. In or out? Pepsi or The diversity and willingness of the action will be. nature of work. Most of us He who pays the piper calls Coke? Two Stellas. Please. support is no surprise: those underpasses Last week was a good start: let’s build on are getting ill, or have been the tune.” Daily news unchanged are hazards that affect everyone that that start and begin seeing some action. ill. The weather’s getting since the last dirty war. better, but to keep us all subjugated, the Names, presenters, and production values work is getting worse. have evolved to satiate the naive. They sleep Elections are this week. The manifestos well. The intelligentsia know no more. They Britain heading for a sexual crisis are skeletal and similar, the candidates sleep badly. I’m sorry: we’re not allowed to are extrovert and sometimes brash. The discriminate on the grounds of merit. THIS WEEK SAW the somewhat schools have similar stories marketing is as unsopohisticated as it is in Discrimination is always bad unless ARAH UTTERWORTH unsurprising story in S B – few of us were actually real politics. A low turnout is expected. The it’s against the majority. Sweeping the news that Britain is taught anything of use in our people who will win are the people who generalisations are acceptable as long as apparently heading for a sex “In some ways, we have not sex education classes. most want to win. All viewpoints are equally they’re definitely only about some Jews disease ‘crisis’. The group come far since the ‘dark As we hit our late teens valid. No candidate is better than any other. or only black criminals or asylum seekers. of people causing the most ages’ when sex was barely and enter university we are I’m sorry: we’re not allowed to discriminate All slavery has been abolished for one concern are young women, mentioned anywhere.” bombarded with information on the grounds of merit. hundred and fifty years by sweeping it off who are allegedly having about having sex, sexual So much coursework this month. Keeps our doorstep. Slaves no longer qualify for a sex with more people and at a younger age. diseases, pregnancy – you name it, it was one too busy to protest about the amount of super once-in-a-lifetime trip halfway around But why is this happening? Some blame probably written about somewhere in all work one has. No time to shave. No time to the world. Our commodities do instead. the ‘ladette culture’, some the lack of sex those papers you were buried under during smoke dope. No time to make love. No time Entertainment is made less entertaining by education in schools and at home. Whilst Freshers’ Week. Whilst this information is to protest. March. No time to march. multiplying through television. BBC Seven. at school I was lucky, or unlucky enough to all relevant, and useful, in many cases it falls More subway incidents occur. Twilight. No Who’s laughing now? Who Wants To Be A experience some of this less than informative on deaf ears through no fault of those who camera. Inaction. Bins overturned violently Millionaire? One right answer. Three wrong sex education – could this have contributed produce it – we have grown up with so little on the way back from the Union, three answers. Guildford witnesses the death of to the fact that around six people out of my serious mention of issues such as STIs that nights a week. Glass broken, three nights a popular music. Killed, stuffed, and sterilised school year of forty girls became pregnant by now it all just washes over our heads. week. All forgotten by morning. All tidied to furnish a new academy above a pub. before the age of twenty one? Comical Campaigns such as the Union’s ‘Are you up. That’s why we pay cleaners. Syndicated One subculture precipitated to a handful of though it may sound, my overriding memory HIV prejudiced?’ week last semester go a vending machines smashed and turned university modules. Your former pub bores of ‘health ed’ classes was being shown how long way to repairing some of the damage upside down. The underside of the NUS. One are now professors. Analysis: Extermination to put a condom on a banana at about the that might have been done through the Grolsch tap. One Carling tap. Two Stellas. By Definition. Discuss. Only the Success age of thirteen, before we swiftly moved on lack of information given to us during our Please. Shouting at passers by. Stopping and of the Unexceptional is Truly Surprising. to why drugs and smoking are bad for you. formative years. But in some ways, we staring at bystanders. Laughing. Throwing Discuss in no more than fifteen hundred Outside my biology classes, I remember have not come far since the ‘dark ages’ eggs out of windows. Throwing eggs into words. The rest of this paragraph. Discuss no more than half an hour spent on telling when sex and related issues were barely windows. We pay the cleaners; they work for in no more than six sentences. No wrong a class of impressionable teenagers about mentioned either in school or at home. us. They look so old. We pay the cleaners; answers. No right answers. The only right not only the simple facts of sex, but sexual Nowadays you cannot walk down the street not the government. No top-up fees. Bring answer is another five questions. The more I diseases and emotional issues. without sex jumping out at you, be it in an back grants. Yes to 24 hour Tesco. Are you learn, the less I know. The more I know, the I am lucky to come from a family where advertising campaign, television or general OK? I can make as much noise as I like. I’ll less I understand. Discuss. issues such as this have never been taboo, conversation, but little of this is in the only be young once. It’s 3am, and you’re but I know many are not as lucky as this. form of serious information. To address the asleep, but I’m beautiful and you’ll never [email protected] For my colleagues at school with parents problem of increased unplanned pregnancy less willing to talk about issues surrounding and transmission of STIs one must target sex their information came almost entirely those people who are just beginning to learn from teenage magazines (where the talk about all things sex related, as opposed to THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK is only of boys, boys and more boys) and those who have already have pre-formed talking with friends. Many of my friends opinions, and possibly prejudices. “What looks like material gain is actually a process of spiritual decline” at university who attended very different [email protected] DAVID LODGE (1935 - ), WRITER AND CRITIC 6 March 2003 OPINION 5 The Iraq debate continues: the case against the impending war

As the barefacts debate continues, Mike Chambers goes against the Con- servative Party line and outlines why he believes a war can be avoided

150,000 US AND UK troops are forming as a green light by every rogue state and up in the Persian Gulf for a conflict, which terrorist group around the world”. Although most people don’t want. The European party leader Iain Duncan Smith has said the Union is divided on the issue of war in government has yet to convince the people Iraq: The UK, Spain and Italy are in favour; that war is the way forward. France, Germany and Belgium are against. Personally, I accept the need to free The UN Security Council, which is also the people of Iraq from persecution, and split, is yet to endorse a military offensive. I believe Saddam Hussein’s days are Nevertheless, the troops are awaiting the numbered; however why is war necessary imminent order to advance. It seems as if all of a sudden? Is there not a way of war in Iraq is inevitable, with or without a disarming Saddam without resorting to second UN Security Council resolution. The war, and the loss of life that war entails? US and UK appear intent on a war. Why? I don’t believe all avenues of diplomacy Saddam Hussein is an oppressive dictator, have yet been explored, nor do I believe that and is guilty of persecuting his own people. such a huge offensive is required. I am also Above: students from the University of Surrey shwoing their support for the “Stop the War” movement. Accord- Since the end of the Gulf War, his regime seriously concerned about the consequences ing to some sources, over 1600 people signed the anti-war petition located outside the Students’ Union building. has continually refused to cooperate with of war, the future of Iraq, and stability in the UN weapons inspectors, and therefore middle-east. I could certainly never support is in breach of UN Resolutions 687 and a war without UN Security Council backing. Anyone who claims this war is only about Council support. If the US and UK ignore 1441. Inspectors have recently discovered Hence, I do not subscribe to my party’s oil is ignorant; however anyone who claims a French veto, diplomatic relations could a number of illegal weapons, which had not policy, which states that a second resolution it isn’t about oil is equally wrong. Iraq cease in the short term. More seriously, the been declared in Iraq’s arms report. There is is not a prerequisite. possesses the second largest oil reserves credibility and effectiveness of the UN as an also some evidence to suggest Iraq has been I believe both Blair and Bush are genuine in the world (behind Saudi Arabia). Again international decision-making body will be developing chemical and biological agents. in their desire to disarm Iraq of weapons of with a pro-western administration, the US questioned. Is this justification for such military action mass destruction, and to bring freedom and and allies may be afforded certain benefits, All of these possible outcomes outweigh as is evidently planned? democracy to the people of Iraq by ousting perhaps even exclusive oil extraction any of the gains from war, in my view. Is the Apparently so, according to Messrs Bush Saddam. However, I believe there are other contracts. This could help the ailing US war as necessary as Blair and Bush claim? I and Blair. Saddam has had his chance, in factors which are influencing the decision economy, and prevent a recession. would argue it is not. The cost of the war, in their view. It is now time to remove him, his to take military action now, and on such a It is not so much the motives of the war, money terms, will be enormous, and could regime, and disarm Iraq of any weapons of large scale. rather the potential consequences that deeply send the world into recession, particularly mass destruction; and subsequently install Iraq is believed to have a small number of concern me. I fear the US-led campaign to if oil prices rise in the short term. Could an interim administration until democratic 400-mile range ‘al-Hussein’ missiles. These expel Saddam, and install a new pro-west this money be put to better use, i.e. health, elections can take place. Secondly, they could strike Israel, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, government will infuriate Islamic terrorist education, tax cuts? believe he may have links to Islamic Iran and Kuwait. A number of ‘al-Samoud’ groups, which will lead to Britain and the Iraq has started to cooperate more with terrorist organisations, and may supply missiles, with a range of 90 miles, have US being at greater risk of terrorist attacks. UN inspectors. Clearly, they wish to avoid weapons to such groups. These weapons already been located. None of these however Saddam supporters in Iraq may align war. Only when they categorically refuse to may be then used to target the US and UK. are very effective at dispersing chemical with Islamic fundamentalists against the cooperate should action be considered. The This war is hence a preventative measure or biological agents, according to the US/UK. Although I don’t believe Saddam UN should monitor presidential elections against a repeat of 9/11. The Conservative International Institute for Strategic Studies Hussein has 100 per cent public support, to ensure they are not manipulated. This Party supports the government on decisive (IISS). The 1991 Gulf War, subsequent as is claimed; I do believe his support is will give the people of Iraq the freedom to military action saying “If the international UN inspections, international sanctions strong, influenced by a biased media. The choose their leader without the suffering community backs away from dealing with and raids by US and UK aircraft have media will claim that Iraq is being invaded of what could be a long and rancorous Saddam Hussein now, this will be seen seriously degraded Iraq’s weapon-making for its oil by greedy westerners; the same campaign to eliminate Saddam’s regime. and storage facilities. A recent report by the westerners who have crippled the country Evil though Saddam is, he is not threatening IISS concluded that Iraq would require up to by sanctions for over a decade. anyone at present. He is not stupid either. a decade and significant help from a foreign Saddam may realise the game is up and I am sure he knows what would be the in power to produce a nuclear bomb. retaliate in the only way can; to order consequences of any aggression against his There is also no evidence of any links to counter attacks using any chemical/ neighbours. On the issue of weapons, the terrorist groups such as Al-Qaeda. Iraqis, biological agents he does have, or he may US, UK, France, Russia, China, Pakistan, including Saddam Hussein, don’t support send of his al-Husseins to Jerusalem, which India, Spain, Israel… and many more have Islamic fundamentalism. Even if Saddam could start World War III. far more devastating weapons of mass wanted to supply such terrorists with I am concerned for the stability of the destruction. All countries around the world weapons, it would be almost impossible for region. Iraq’s neighbours, in particular Syria, should disarm; I don’t believe it is fair to Iraq to export them undetected. So what are Iran, and Saudi Arabia may feel threatened if single out Iraq in the way it has been. There CLOTH? the other factors? there is a permanent US military presence in is only a moral case for war when there is Iraq is strategically well positioned. Syria Iraq. Fundamentalists in such countries may a clear and imminent threat of attack, or if and Jordan to the west, Iran to the East, resent this, and again terrorism is the result. there has already been aggression. None of Saudi Arabia to the South and Kurdish In the short term, an interim government these criteria apply to Iraq. Let us not scar Turkey to the north. Israel is less than 250 may work, however I fear it may fragment the history books with the bloodshed of war, miles away. If a pro-western administration in the long term, and civil war could be the when there is a better option. We must never was installed in Iraq, the US and allies result. Afghanistan is barely functioning lose faith in diplomacy; for when we give up would have the perfect base from which to under its transitory administration. on diplomacy, we give up on our children; barearts goes to fabric live launch future strikes against neighbouring I am concerned also for the future of the and life has no purpose anymore. countries as they choose. UN if war goes ahead without Security [email protected] 6 LETTERS & PROFESSIONAL PAGE 6 March 2003

Dear barefacts, town with adverts plastered all over their LETTERS TO THE EDITOR walls, it would be considered vulgar but I would like to raise a major concern apparently this sort of advertising is alright Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected] regarding the number of adverts springing for lowly University students. up in restaurants around campus. I was My main point is this, by putting up Dear barefacts, Dear barefacts, having a coffee in Roots the other day and with these adverts we’re basically being I am writing after reading Philip Howard’s looked around in disgust at the number laughed at by the University accountants article. Although I agree with the author Im writing in response to another pro- of adverts plastered all over the walls in and advertisers who see cash strapped that some demonstrators are not aware of war article published by barefacts. More cheap tamper-proof plastic frames. Why students and campus restaurants as a golden all the issues involved in the debate as to specifically the 27th February issue, have advertisers been allowed to invade advertising opportunity. I would like to hear whether to go to war or not, I do not agree Philip Howard’s piece titled “This was a our student space? Remember Roots is the thoughts of the new sabbatical candidates with the sentiments expressed in the article. demonstration of a new breed of political owned by Unis. The situation is simple: the on this issue as well as other people around The point of the demonstration was to show apathy”. I’ll spare the intellectual crap and University loves the ads because they bring campus. In the mean time I’ll prepare some that people in Britain do not support going get to the point. I found this somewhat in more money (advertisers pay up for the ‘ads’ to decorate those already hanging in to war. Most have thought about the pros insulting to the vast networks of activists ad space) and the advertisers win as well Roots; here’s some ideas: ‘TopExploitation and cons of the going to war. However, they that worked so hard to organise the 15th (they invade student space with ads targeted of the student demographic’ and ‘Roots may still feel that the British and American February protest and I know many students squarely at the student demographic e.g. proud to offer 10% food and drink discount governments are being very undiplomatic (1600 by our petition) would also find his lager/hangover themes, fashionable young – this promotion brought to you by our in forcing Saddam Hussein into declaring bullshit accusations of our naiveness in people etc.). The only people not winning advertisers’. Don’t put up with it, students in all weapons yet it is almost completely defining us as a “new breed of political are the students! America didn’t when their Universities tried unknown what weapons we have. He states apathy”. Why should students who’ve paid for the same trick. ‘The choice is this. Go to war, kill thousands If possible I’d like also to submit the anti- their food and drink have to look at adverts of people, kill or oust Saddam Hussein’ etc. war case for the next edition of Bear-facts. designed specifically to target and strip more Yours, Yet has not thought about those words. This UNKNOWN money out of us by buying clothes, throat ALEX READ war has been fought once already and all sweets etc? You don’t see coffee shops in it succeeded in was the killing of innocent people and Saddam still ruling Iraq. That is Dear barefacts, what people object to, the killing of innocent civilians, as well soldiers from Iraq and UN I am writing to advise readers that, contrary countries. to popular belief, I am not the editor of The Diners’ Club (and the Vice- Apathy may be common especially with this newspaper! The February edition of political issues but this is a campaign the ‘Guildford Messenger’ newspaper Chancellor came too) that many people feel very strongly about misquoted my answer to a question from and the public should not be slated as a a recent interview. I was on the Barefacts URBAN MYTHS ABOUND about any institution, to challenge them: where did the silver ‘rebellious teenager…in danger of becoming editorial team last year, however due to some of them are true, some are false; most service cutlery come from and did the Lake deliriously anorexic’ because not everyone a greater workload this year, I have been of them are funny, sad, or spectacular, else Restaurant know?; where did the specimen involved is as articulate as the author in their unable to continue writing the news. they wouldn’t survive. Some remain hidden, pot plants come from and why did Senate opinions. Yours sincerely, in the need of a retelling. But half the time House look so bare?; and as for all the table Yours, HELEN TURRELL MICHAEL CHAMBERS you can’t tell the wheat from the chaff, the linen, table decorations, glassware, and wood from the trees, the BareFacts from the decanters … BareLies. So, here’s one in an occasional Invitations had been printed and issued series of silly things … the Diners’ Club. and on D(Diners)-day a group of students Written exercises used in selection The annual exams were over and the duly appeared in the early evening summer summer was marching on. It was balmy sunshine dressed to the nines. Some were THERE ARE A number of tests the in-tray exercise. You are and breezy, hot and steamy, humid and etc as silver-service waiters, some were wine which employers use which asked to play the role of a and most spare time was spent over a pint waiters, and some were traditional guests! involve writing. They are personnel manager who has or two in Hari Sutherland’s (former Union Within an instant the tables and chairs had usually designed to measure returned from holiday to find Manager) Union Bar. On the agenda was been reorganised, the pot plants, linen, a range of qualities besides a pile of papers waiting to be the need for a wheeze – not a cough and cutlery, candelabra put in place and a gypsy simply the ability to write dealt with. Your task is to splutter; but a good old-fashioned bit of fun. violinist was serenading the completely clear and effective English. separate the urgent from the It should be nothing too serious! astonished other canteen incumbents. Sherry The first one which I’ll non-urgent and the important Students in the early 70s were quite was served. The Maitre’D duly announced describe involves analysing a from the unimportant. The inventive when it came to harmless fun. that dinner was served and the guests DR RUSS CLARK mass of complicated written key to doing well in this test After a brainstorming session or two the queued and paid at the serving counter for material before presenting is to skim all of the papers decision was for a rollicking celebration their sausage, beans, chips or whatever was a reasonable solution to the “There aren’t necessarily quickly at first. It is tempting dinner in tie and tails and posh frocks – what their fancy. The meal was continued as three problems which it contains. any right ot wrong answers: to try to read everything, could be more harmless, and more fun than courses with wine, port, and coffee. One There aren’t necessarily the assessors are looking for including the cleverly that? There should be a Guest of Honour. guest was seen to choose a Zoom ice lolly any right or wrong answers. well thought through ideas.” placed 30 page report which The venue would be the Hall Restaurant for their sweet (on a plate of course)! After The assessors are simply would take up the whole (then alongside the Old Hall Bar and now dinner, the embellishments disappeared in interested in knowing of the time allocated to the redeveloped into the Oak Room complex). an instant, returning the Hall Restaurant to whether you have understood the issues and test if you fell into the trap of reading it! The Hall Restaurant, but that was a its former glory. whether your proposals are well thought After your initial skimming, attempt an ‘canteen/refectory’, how can you have a And the Guest of Honour: the Vice- out. Whilst the written part of this exercise early prioritisation of papers. Some are swish glitzy/glam affair in a canteen? And Chancellor, Dr Peter Leggett. He’d been can be minimal, it is important to make sure obviously important - like the memo from anyway, the main student body would sent an invitation, though apparently the that your recommendations are lucidly and the managing director requesting a review of be eating its evening sausage, beans, and ‘detail’ had been inadvertently omitted. And logically presented. safety procedures following the recent fire. chips! what a sport he was; not only did he turn Another test requires that you respond to Take a look at your watch and see how much Now comes the point at which some up and take part but queued and paid for his a letter of complaint from, say, a colleague time you have for a more detailed look at the questions must remain unanswered - for dinner along with everyone else! or a customer. Although the detailed material. This could lead to some changes students of the future to have something circumstances will vary in each case, there in your priorities. The written summary of are some general guidelines which might your recommendations is likely to be brief, help you. Make sure you convince the but should nevertheless be clear, logical and recipient that you have understood their concise. You must take care to leave enough This weeks careers & skills talks problem. Consider whether an apology time to write your summary. The assessors is required or whether an explanation won’t be able to guess what you intended PRACTICE APTITUDE TEST would suffice instead. Avoid responding to write after you’d found you’d run out of WEDNESDAY 12 MARCH | 2.15PM | LT B aggressively; try instead to be both polite time! The last chance to try out the careers office practice aptitude test. and tactful. If you would like to register with Careers, please email [email protected], or visit in person. One of the most popular tests is known as www.surrey.ac.uk/careers Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information 6 March 2003 UNION 7 International week and One World festival: one world for all of us This week is USSU’s international There would be: * 57 Asians week. VP Societies & Culture * 21 Europeans Charlotte Dawson (left) takes a *14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south look at a hypothetical situation that * 8 Africans spells out the One World theme

INTERNATIONAL WEEK IS now in full swing. The Exhibition on Tuesday saw students displaying culture from over 20 countries. This week is a time where we begin to realise we are part of a bigger culture than just being a student. This University has more than 30% of students from an International background and supports these students through * 52 would be female | 48 would be the International Office, led by the Dean of International Students, male Gwyn Brown. Gwyn and his team provide an invaluable service and * 70 would be non-white | 30 would this week, I would just like to take the opportunity to highlight the good be white work they do. If you have time, come to the International Gala, Friday * 70 would be non-Christian | 30 would be night at 7pm in the University Hall and sample a small selection of this Christian *1 would be near death; 1 varied culture. Tickets are £3 and available on the door and from the * 89 would be heterosexual | 11 would be near birth Student Union reception. would be homosexual *1 (yes, only 1) would have But to get you started, here’s something to really think about... a college education and 1 would own a computer If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 * 6 people would possess 59% of the entire people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would world’s wealth and all 6 would be from the When one considers look something like the following: United States. our world from such a compressed perspective, * 80 would live in the need for acceptance, substandard housing understanding and education * 70 would be unable becomes glaringly apparent. to read * 50 would suffer One World festival – one from malnutrition $ world for all of us. Surrey students get individual support THE CENTRE FOR Learning Developments has, will always be referred to other sources of with some financial help from the Widening support at Surrey. A number of students have Participation budget, recently been providing been directed towards the Student Union short an individual study support service for courses on Time Management, Assertion and students at Surrey. Stress Management. The most frequently requested area for The CLD Learning Development Tutor help is time management. This does not Joy Moloney provides this support. She come as a complete surprise! Essay and encourages students to develop an analytical report structuring is the next most popular and pragmatic approach to the development area. Exam preparation and note taking are of their skills. If, for example, a student is also key areas of need for some individual finding it difficult to develop an effective guidance. revision plan, then the time will be used to The support given depends on students’ focus on what will work for that individual levels of need. If the student needs are fairly student. straightforward, they are given a few hints The tutorials will continue to be available and tips or are directed towards relevant until May. Students can book appointments web pages. Quite often the issues of - for on Mondays, Tuesdays from 1000-1600 example- note taking, time management and and on Wednesday afternoons from 1230 essay structure are not discussed separately, - 1600 by contacting Annette Appleby on so that the student can see the links between [email protected] or extension 3362. different skill areas. If appropriate, students

barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is Do you have a complaint against published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. this newspaper? 2002 - 2003 The views expressed within the paper are those of individual If you have a complaint about any item in this authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, editor in chief | richard watts [[email protected]] Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about University of Surrey. it. editor film editors This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, If you remain dissatisfied please contact the sarah butterworth [[email protected]] stewart fudge [[email protected]] stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express Press Complaints Commission - an independant deputy editor jolyon hunter [[email protected]] permission of the publisher beforehand. organisation established to uphold an editorial Code of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide position vacant photography editor All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. by their decision. news editor chris hunter [[email protected]] philip howard [[email protected]] literature editor Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. Press Complaints Commission music editors chris ward [[email protected]] 1 Salisbury Square alex read [[email protected] sports editor barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. London EC4Y 8JB simon robinson [[email protected]] eddison ruswa [[email protected]] Telephone: 020 7353 1248 theatre editor lifestyle editor [email protected] Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 rachael bemrose [[email protected]] morgan gooch [[email protected]] WWW.USSU.CO.UK Printed by South West Wales Publications Adelaide Street, Swansea If you would like to write for barefacts, then please get in touch: [email protected] © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000 8 VOLUNTEERING 6 March 2003 Disability Challengers: the opportunity to help through the V-Project

After a week away from barefacts, Alli Cummings (right) returns with five more opportunities to enhance your c.v. and help out in the local community as part of the Union’s V-Project

Hi all, I’m here again to give you your communities offer do not cater for experiences as other children. weekly dose of V opportunities and I am disabled children. So the purpose So with all these different projects pleased to say that these articles really of Challengers is to provide leisure running, it is hardly surprising that seem to be working because we are activities that are suitable for everyone they are always in need of an extra getting more and more people joining and to ensure that nobody is excluded. pair of hands. If you think that you V which is brilliant but as usual we are Challengers offer so many amazing would like to get involved with one still trying to tempt the rest of you to services that it is difficult to know or more of their projects and you are get involved. So this week I thought where to start. They run play centres an enthusiastic and energetic person I would start with an opportunity that where the children have access to some interested in working with young will appeal to those of you who have of the most revolutionary equipment people then why not become a youth or are contemplating a career working used to promote development, worker, sports assistant or play worker? with people with disabilities. Disability relaxation and stimulation and get to If you are not based in Guildford then Challengers is a local charity set up to play with a limitless supply of bikes, don’t worry because they have plenty provide play and leisure opportunities paddling pools, dressing up clothes of opportunities all around Surrey and for disabled children and young people and various toys and games. Then as with most of the V opportunities, the aged between 0-25 years in Surrey but there is also a youth centre for those time commitment required is extremely it is becoming hugely successful which slightly older children who fancy flexible so even those of with you with may have been helped slightly by the going on regular outings to the cinema, very little spare time can get involved. fact that it is supported by such famous theme parks or bowling. They also To get involved just to do the usual bods as Matthew Kelly, Michael Buerk run activity weekends, short holiday thing and either come into the students and Georgia Reece. breaks, Art projects and summer play union and see me Alli Cummings, the It is often the case that disabled schemes. And as if this isn’t enough V Co-Ordinator or email me for more children are excluded from fun and they also run a sports club to ensure details [email protected]. I invigorating play activities because that the children and young adults have look forward to seeing you all! the recreational facilities that local access to the same sports facilities and

Recruiting raggies for the London loot run!

AFTER THE IMPRESSIVE result of this BY CATHY MARSHALL year’s RAG WEEK we are hoping to RAG COORDINATOR continue our success with more Raids and events. We would love to get more Research Foundation. They have people involved in what we think is a permits for the Underground and the very worthwhile and fulfilling society, City and will provide accommodation not to mention a lot of fun. in central London, breakfast and £3 per If you’re interested in finding out more day for food expenses. Last year they about RAG and what we do, then had 25 collectors and raised £18,000 please come along to our recruitment – this year they’re aiming for £25,000. stall next Thursday 13th March There will be students from Uni RAG’s between 12 and 3pm in the Union such as Loughborough, Exeter, Aston, foyer. I’ll be there to chat to you and Cambridge, Bath and Manchester so explain what charities we are raising if you’re available over Thursday 16th money for and how we are going to do and Friday 17th April then why don’t it! For everyone who signs up, there’s you join us for this MEGA Raid in free sweeties so please come along. London. As it is over Easter there will I’ll also be selling the RAG Mags be loads of Easter eggs for prizes and and RAG pens where all proceeds go don’t forget the legendary party on the straight to charity. Thursday night. The next Raid that USSU RAG is So why should you join USSU RAG? planning is the LONDON LOOT over the Easter Hols. It is a 2 day annual • Collecting huge sums of money for event organised by The Meningitus good causes • It looks great on your CV • Committee positions • Marketing/publicity skills • RAG Conference in January 2004 at UMIST • Huge social side • Small local raids and joining other Uni’s for MEGA raids • Freebies • Potential work experience placements with charities 6 March 2003 ACCOMMODATION FEATURE 9 The barefacts guide to determine what sort of a house-mate you are

With the release of the accommoda- tion paper earlier this week, James Sheppard (left) offers a Cosmo type guide to help figure out whether your year will be a harmonious one or not

SO, THE STUDENT Housing Special is out. You may have been up since 7am on Monday morning, diligently searching through the columns of prices, addresses and house descriptions with coloured highlighter pens in hand. Maybe you have no idea what the Student Housing Special is. Either way, the chances are you have one thing in common: how do you know you will be compatible with the people you end up living with? The answer: you don’t. Until now, that is... Unless you’re planning on living totally and utterly alone next year, you are going to have to get along with the other people you share a house or flat with. Be warned, dear reader, that appearances are deceptive, and you only truly know what a person is like once you’ve lived with them. You can however prepare yourself by using this helpful quiz to determine what sort of housemate you and our buddies are. Answer the questions as truthfully as possible, and get all your potential housemates to do the same. The quiz

You have just finished a meal. What do you do? You’re in a bad mood. What do you do? How often do you use other people’s stuff? 1[a] Go and wash up everything, then dry it all, then 5[a] Apologise to friends for acting strange. 8[a] Rarely, if ever. put it all away. [b] Mope about and communicate in grunts. [b] Quite often. [b] Put all dirty dishes next to the sink to clean up [c] Slam doors, ignore everyone, and hurl abuse [c] All the time. You don’t have any of your own later. randomly. stuff. [c] Leave your plate on the nearest available surface. It’s 3am, and you wake up in bed having realised that Do you ask before you borrow things from other You go to put something into the kitchen rubbish bin, 6you’ve forgotten to defrost the fish you were going to 9people? 2but it is full. What do you do? eat the following day. Do you [a] Always. [a] Change the bin liner. [a] Stay in bed and decide on an alternative. [b] Sometimes. [b] Balance the rubbish on top of the mound, pushing [b] Get up quietly and get the fish out of the freezer. [c] Never. it down a bit to make it stay. [c] Leap out of bed screaming your head off, stamp [c] You never use a bin anyway, you just leave down the stairs yelling all the way, and attempt After borrowing someone else’s stuff, what do you rubbish lying around. to accelerate the delayed defrosting process by 10do? battering the frozen fish against a hard surface. [a] Return it as soon as possible. You spill food/drink onto the worksurface/table/floor. [b] Leave it by the sink hoping they will wash it 3What now? Upon moving into a new house, you notice that the instead. [a] Clean it up now. 7freezer requires defrosting. Do you [c] Cover it with muck, take it to your room, and [b] Clean it up later. [a] Turn off the freezer, open the door, and put down leave it to fester until its owner manages to hunt it [c] Don’t actually realise you’ve made a mess. a container to catch the water. down. [b] Ignore the chunks of ice and just use the freezer You’ve got some food left over in the wok/pan/tray. as normal. How much stuff of yours would you leave lying 4What do you do with it? [c] Decide that [a] is not a quick enough process, 11around the house? [a] Throw it away or keep it in a container. and instead go at it with a 6” carving knife, thereby [a] None. [b] Cover it and put it to one side. puncturing the heat exchanger, releasing the essential [b] A few bits and pieces. [c] Leave it lying around the kitchen in the most gasses, and rendering the freezer useless except as a [c] Almost everything. inconvenient place possible until you next use said garden ornament. wok/pan/tray. in How did you answer? Compatibility next week MOSTLY [A]’S: Whoa, put your halo away. You are an Housemates of the same type should have few problems. example of the pinnacle of domestic perfection. It’s a A mixture of [a]’s and [b]’s, or [b]’s and [c]’s is safe bet that your CDs are in alphabetical order too. You acceptable, but don’t be surprised if a few arguments crop HIS may been described as “anal” by members of the other up over domestic issues during your tenancy. T housemate typecasts. Any mixture of [a]’s and [c]’s is likely to result in frequent conflict. Don’t say we didn’t warn you! IS MOSTLY [B]’S: Hmm, not too bad, but there’s room for improvement. You’re willing to give and take when it Disclaimer MY suits you which makes you the most flexible type of This quiz has been compiled from eye-witness accounts housemate. from veterans of student-housing conflicts. Although every effort has been made to make it as accurate PLEDGE MOSTLY [C]’S: Riiiiight. Mostly [c]’s, eh? There may be and rigorous as possible, barefacts cannot accept troubles ahead, my friend. You’re either incredibly stupid, responsibility for any bad decisions made as a result of what about last year’s sabbs? or an evil genius. using this quiz. MUSIC THEATRE the music team pull daisy clay watches out all the stops this tracey shaw get her week with three pages kit off and rachael of singles, and bemrose previews some dixie-chick gigs present laughter

Being Charlie Kaufman

Making his way through Spike Jonze’s latest “Adaptation,” Paul Wright realises he’s not quite sure which bit went where. A bit like Being John Malkovich, then

ADAPTATION STRIKES THE viewer after laden script. watching as the type of film that The film makes use of simple, clean deserve two, if not three viewings postproduction effects to bring us subsequent. It succeeds as a film in two Kaufmans on-screen at the same that the plot and characters are still time. Nicolas Cage successfully rattling about in the viewer’s head brings to life the brothers and gives hours after leaving the cinema, in a them enough differences in speech vain effect to piece together some and mannerisms to ensure the Above: Nic Cage and, erm, Nic Cage in the disjointed Adaptation. Picture:www.imbd.com sense of went before. audience are not entirely baffled This film follows on almost by sight of the same person twice. This shows somewhat in the out of place impressive as they are impenetrable. As a literally from the success of Being Those that have seen Fight Club, The encounters between Charlie and Amelia, it is stand-alone film however (for those viewers John Malkovich (another joint Sixth Sense or The Usual Suspects never really made clear if she likes Charlie unaware of its background) the result is collaboration of Spike Jonze and will find themselves waiting until the closing scenes somewhat wide of the mark, the plot jumps Charlie Kaufman) with the opening fruitlessly for a similarly ground As an excise in abject self-referencing amongst numerous time periods and the final of the film taking a behind-the- breaking plot twist to shake the film Adaptation can be considered a true work ending, as much as it could be called that, scenes look at production of Being to the core. Unfortunately, one is not of genius, the lengths at which the movie can only be described as self-indulgent. John Malkovich whilst introducing forthcoming and only adds to the exerts control over its own destiny are as the main protagonist and on-screen frustration after leaving the cinema. screenwriter; Charlie Kaufman For sheer wheels within wheels (Nicolas Cage). moments this film takes the biscuit, Charlie is a screenwriter taking a with Charlie dictating into a tape break from his normal line of films recorder a monologue that he later with the task of turning a non- repeats into a tape recorder; reading fictional book, “The Orchid Thief” from a script taken from the original into a film script. The film follows dictation. And for epic scene setting his adaptation efforts whilst also the filmmakers some how run through delivering glimpses of the written the entire history of the world in a 60 script thus far in the form of flash second stop-frame piece of footage backs to three years previous of John in answer to Charlie’s question Laroche (Chris Cooper) and Susan “Why am I here?” Orlean (Meryl Streep), the main During the course of the film the characters in “The Orchid Thief”. style violently snaps from a well- His twin brother, Donald Kaufman meaning art house effort to a guns and (Cage, again), in an effort to better car chases endeavour which mirrors himself and imitate Charlie, attends a Charlie’s request for assistance with screenwriting course and embarks on the script from his brother, Donald. writing his own, Hollywood-cliché As soon as Donald starts passing comment on his brother’s work the audience is immersed into a world of surveillance, car chases and guns - all of which feel particularly out of step with the majority of the film and probably the point of including both characters. The hoax of two screenwriters is continued throughout, the film credits both Charlie and Donald Kaufman for the screenwriting and even goes as far as to dedicate itself to the memory of Donald Kaufman. There are rumours that the original screenplay (if such a thing ever existed) called for Charlie and Susan to have an affair; but due to the complete lack of chemistry between the two actors the role of Amelia was written in to compensate. 6 March 2003 FILM & EXHIBITION 11 The rooms in which the free world was won: the cabinet war rooms exhibition

When the bombs rained down on Britain, the government minis- ters went underground. Rich Watts looks at where they went and wonders where the present government will be heading to

“IT IS BECOMING increasingly difficult one’s head soon imposes is displayed fronts, the location of armed forces to see how war can be averted. It is wonderfully by the removal of a cross- and their support battalions, all certainly not right to give up hope.” section of the roof above and one is meticulously and faithfully located on So wrote Winston Churchill in an left in no doubt of the claustrophobia huge maps with, literally, pin-point article published in The Times in the that must surely have been prominent accuracy. They map the Atlantic, early part of 1939, as displayed at The in times of great stress. Indeed, one of the seas around the United Kingdom Cabinet War Rooms, an exhibition of the attractions of the exhibition – the and the Far Eastern theatres of war, the Imperial War Museum in which hand-held sets that provide a running including maps showing the island- the underground nerve centre of commentary whilst wondering from hopping operations by the American the government’s war operation is display to display – give accounts of sea-borne forces in the Pacific. preserved as it was left at the end of the what it was like to live in the “bunker” Each display is a testament to the war in 1945. from first-person perspectives and the magnitude and scale of a war that truly At this time of possible war, in which testimony of a tea-lady who suffered incorporated the entire world and, in uncertainty walks hand in hand with immensely due to the heat soon contrast to their complexity and sheer www.iwm.org.uk/cabinet inevitability, the hour that it takes confirmed what an observer could only scale, impress on the visitor just how to walk around this exhibition is a imagine. important the rooms that are on display time for reflection and admiration, as Many aspects of the exhibition stand are to the world we inhabit today by one glimpses the quarters in which out: the telephone room from which virtue of what happened within the decisions of incredible importance and Churchill spoke with Roosevelt; the four walls one is surrounded by. They consequence were made and fronts committee room at which the leading are left precisely how the map-readers marked out on giant maps covering ministers of the day and the chiefs of left them on 16 August 1945 – the day walls the size of cinema screens are the defence forces sat; even Churchill’s after Victory in Japan day. displayed. very own room. The highlight, though, And what of that world they Upon entering the exhibition, you was the map room. protected? Once again we stand on descend no more than what I suspect There were about five or six maps the brink of a war and somewhere, looks on as their leaders decide what to be 15ft, or a standard flight of stairs. stretched out across entire walls, deep below the streets of London move to play next and we wait for the The security and protection, however, all dotted with naval passages, the and the underground systems over start of another war that will signify that a three feet slab of concrete over progression and recession of battle which it continues oblivious, are the the need for such secret, underground cabinet war rooms of today being built, locations. “Once again we stand on the brink of war ready to protect the government from I wonder whether there will be possible attacks. “Events are moving anything left to allow future generations and underground the cabinet war rooms of forward from every quarter,” observed the chance observe the locations in Churchill, “and along all roads towards which the decisions were made that today are being built.” a catastrophe.” The public once again places them where they stand to view.

This is the word-crossing crossword you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semeser

Apologies to all who sat down to pit their wits against the crossword last week only to see that the grid really didn’t correspond to the clues given or the answer-grid at the back of the paper. We’re a bit silly sometimes. [email protected]

Above: the trans- Atlantic phone room from which Church- Do you enjoy the crossword? Would you rather there was some other sort of puzzle to ill called Roosevelt on a secure line and keep your mind active, rather ironically, during those dull lectures? Let us know your other highlights of thoughts on the matter and we’ll see what we can do. [email protected] the exhibition

14 LITERATURE & THEATRE 6 March 2003

poetry The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien AROUND 30 YEARS from now, there will be during the tale allows Tolkien to spring an epic cinematic hype shaking through him onto the scene at random moments of Hollywood. All the actors from The Lord helplessness, saving Bilbo and the dwarfs Of The Rings trilogy will reunite, and from an untimely demise. produce an epic prequel. The title? Lord Of The structure is almost flawless, and The Rings – Episode 1 – The Hobbit. This the mystical diction and powerful was the book that began the magical tale characterisation creates a world almost as by terrence rojas of wizards, goblins, dwarfs, orcs, hobbits, real as the one we are in now. Disbelief Now that you’re not here etc. Hobbits are, as the book describes, is suspended as talking eagles, goblins that inside - an empty space - “little people, about half our height, and ride on the back of evil wolves, trolls that Where life grows cold. smaller than the bearded dwarves”. They turn to stone, and magical elves become the borders of my soul, are quiet, harmless creatures who prefer to not just fairy-tale fantasy, but tangible and Die silently avoid adventure or challenges. three-dimensional living things that can amid the revelry. Bilbo Baggins, however, gets this and and do exist within the scope of the novel. much more as a mystical wizard called The explanation for this is quite interesting. The sparkle of your eye, Gandalf employs him as a burglar to steal Instead of employing the typical fairy-tale The slick, wet moistness left; from perhaps the most dangerous creature techniques of random magical powers, as you lick your lips. in the land: Smaug the Magnificent – a Tolkien backs it all up with concepts from The tender touch powerful and terrorising dragon. He sets the real world such as politics, war, money of savage kiss; off on this adventure with a band of dwarfs, dispute, and sociological perspectives that Dies back encountering many surprises on the way. can be applied even today. to the whisper of a sigh. The Hobbit is unusual in that it can be The Hobbit is an easy book to get lost read by both adults and children. The in. The magical setting draws you in, In a blink of an eye qualities either audience receive may be and perhaps brings back the memories of droplets fall as a shower; slightly different, but Tolkien keeps the being a child again – the wild imagination, Cleansing, tale in suspense for all with the imminent the innocence of thought, and the light- now expressing sorrow; confrontation waiting at the end of hearted rejection of scepticism. A truly As garments tossed aside, the journey. The subtext of Gandalf’s powerful novel indeed. are worn again. “business” which he has to see to often As guilt is dressed There is no dignity in life, Death is dignity, Above: Gandalf - the “daddy’ of all wizards The mirror shows two faces Only in death. The final dignity of our lives. picture: http:img-fan.theonering.net existence cracked In life we are humiliated, In death, our true colour is Gone awry. We are accused, we are hurt. released, Soft fragrance whispers Always, we are hurt. Whether black or white or deadening grey. of an afternoon apart. Knocked down with the manipulations, And we will be noticed, and we will be Quoted as being, “One of Coward’s most I stand there waiting, The whims, the hatred of others. remembered, and try to look the part; quotable, most humane and certainly most Of ourselves. Or else we will be blissfully forgotten - funny plays”,(Daily Mail) Present Laughter While losing myself I am a victim of hatred, of whim, Gone and so forgotten, in this selfish insanity. hits the Guildford stage on Monday 10th Of manipulation. Like so many deepening sunrises March. Starring Rik Mayall, as reported We all are, Bleeding across a painless sky. For the dark empty in our exclusive interview last week, this And that is why life has no dignity. We will be remembered, or else touring production promises to entertain and is put away again; Death has dignity; in death forgotten. And icicles selfishly lie exercise those chuckle muscles. We can be remembered for what we made But where ever we lie, there will be dignity One of his finest and funniest comedies, behind smiling sunshine. ourselves As never seen in life. © 2003 Mind Ink Noel Coward admitted that he wrote the death is not the end | katy saunders And not what others made us to be. There is no dignity in living. role of egotistical charmer Garry Essendine in Present Laughter as a vehicle for his own talent. Set in the glamorous world of the theatre during the Jazz Age, it is a The Blue Room at the Yvonne Arnaud marvellously comic exaggeration of the life that whirled around Coward in his heyday. ON HEARING THAT The Blue Room was BY DAISY CLAY Flamboyantly dressing-gowned, and showing at the Yvonne Arnaud I was devastatingly handsome, Garry Essendine interested to see why the play had become so character. This technique kept the play may be teetering reluctantly towards middle famous since first appearing in Germany in flowing despite changes in the plot. It age but everyone, both male and female, is 1921. This modern adaptation of the play as allowed each character to be shown in two infatuated by him. it originally was named La Ronde follows different situations and their responses to The master of scalpel-sharp repartee, a chain of sexual encounters between an the situation could be examined. I found this ruthless put-downs and spectacular intriguingly diverse set of characters. These play refreshingly different to the majority of tantrums, his life is one long performance present laughter characters are skilfully played by just two current plays as its approach to drama was in which he can never be himself. About actors, who in this production were Tracey quite different, discarding the classic use of to set off on an extended tour of Africa, Shaw (Coronation Street’s Maxine) and a single plot flowing from beginning to end the blue room Essendine is visited by practically everyone Jason Connery (TV’s Robin of Sherwood). using the same characters throughout. he knows including his ex-wife/manager, At the play’s first showing the police Despite this play’s infamous nature lawyer, secretary, butler, business partners, actually closed it down and arrested the surfacing through its candid approach to an admiring young playwright and a recent actors. Attitudes to censorship have changed nudity and sex there were numerous other one-night stand! The stage is set for a battle a lot since then, and quite frankly, audiences features of the play which are worthy of of glittering egos. are much happier about seeing such nudity praise. There were countless moments of Present Laughter runs from Monday and sexual behaviour onstage. humour, especially a voiceover depicting the 10th – Saturday 15th March with In essence, this play is about sex and how it length of time which each sexual encounter performances Mon - Thurs 7.45pm, Fri occurs in many different situations between lasted (a mere 45 seconds in one case!). The & Sat Eve 8pm, and Thurs & Sat Mat a vast array of different individuals. The design of the set and use of music were also 2.30pm. Student standbys are available play was cleverly adapted with each scene really impressive. reputation of being a thoroughly enjoyable 1 hours before performances from £7. involving two characters, where the next Overall, I really enjoyed the play not and compelling play. The middle-aged Box office 01483 440077,www.yvonne- scene would involve one of the characters only did it live up to its reputation for such women sat in the front row giggling at each arnuad.co.uk. from the previous scene and a new unmistakable nudity, but it also met its instance of nudity was also quite amusing! Rachael Bemrose 6 March 2003 FEATURE & COMPETITIONS 15 Rich W meets the Hamiltons

Fulfilling a lifetime ambition of sorts, Rich Watts finally meets media ‘darlings’ and one-time politicians Neil and Christine Hamilton, only to be told he looks alarmingly like Louis Theroux

NEIL AND CHRISTINE Hamilton are Some people think of them as many things to many people – they the subject of Louis Theroux’s are the multi-purpose tools of their documentary, which, rather decently generation, if you will. For those for Louis Theroux, turned into another with a slight interest in politics, they media frenzy as the couple were are the Conservative couple who accused of taking part in the rape of a flew under the protective shield of young, as it soon turned out, attention- Margaret Thatcher, pushing their way seeking woman. through the Houses of Parliament to And others will think of them, or the eventual ignominy of the infamous the wife part, anyway, as the best bit Cash for Questions row and a falling of reality television viewing since the out with none other than everyone’s last Celebrity Big Brother. Whichever favourite asylum seeker, Mohamed view you happen to subscribe to, al-Fayed. they certainly make for fascinating Above: Rich Watts with Neil and Christine Hamilton To others, whose interests are less characters. political, more predatory, they are Though the sense of irony generated media puppets, turning up at every by their appearance in pantomime over and Neil seems to concur: “Well, if it’s I’m a Celebrity – being virtually available opportunity to make a quick the festive period must surely have not a choice between fantasy and reality begged by television chiefs – is buck, leaving their decency and self- been wasted on them, it allowed the – there is no choice.” This I find anything to go by, you can see they respect at the door of every television opportunity for me to meet up with the surprising: within seconds of talking, have a point. “It’s a job: we are paid to studio, radio station and newspaper couple deemed “odd” by most people. Neil has already made reference to the do these things. Our job is to be in the office they enter to reveal more about “We love it – the whole ridiculousness seeming circus that has been following media: that is how we make our living. their apparently sordid lives. of it” says Christine of the pantomime them around for the last nine years; It is symbiosis.” ? Have any of your indeed, he says that “given what has experiences changed you as people? happened in our lives over the past ten “We’re the same. What has changed is years, it is very difficult to tell what is public perception. It is the newspapers These are the competitions fantasy and what is reality.” So why that have to change their view and this apparent enthusiasm to perpetuate stance on us because people have seen Typical: no competitions for a whil Back in the world of Drum ‘n’ the myth of the “odd couple”? “We that reality is different to the caricatures and then two come along at once. Bass, however, we can offer you the seem to fit into the world of cloud that were created.” Did any of it hurt? What is the world coming to. Any- oppoertunity to win a signed copy land very well” offers Neil by way of “Of course. But if people don’t like us, way, we’ve a couple of prizes this of the new EZ-rollers , Titles reason. it’s their problem – not ours.” week that will be sure to tickle those of the Unexpected, released on The female half of the couple has No matter what your experience of the of you who know your stuff. February 3rd. Comprising Jay Hurren, certainly come to expect such flippancy Hamilton’s, for a couple to have such The first is mingled in with an Alex Banks, vocalist Kelly Richards from her husband; during their time in a lasting effect on their contemporaries upcoming event at the Union. On and MC Jakes, the E-Z Rollers have Parliament, when Christine was Neil’s and culture, there must be something Friday 21st March, DJ Yoda - that pioneered the Drum and Bass scene aid, it was always thought that she behind the façade that is the media cheeky chap that mixes things you for over 10 years during which was the one doing all the work, and portrayal of their lives. Looking wouldn’t believe (the Cheeky Girls time they have built an excellent that Neil was simply the mouthpiece. through the coloured path their lives into Bon Jovi, for example) - will reputation for producing some of the After years of such banal and useless has taken, I wonder whether Neil might be playing the Union as part of the most textured, funk infectious and comments, though, she must surely have moved to the ranks of Cabinet and Sidekick bootleg tour, organised by danceable music of the genre. have come to expect his nature? “I whether his wife would be there with those lovely people at NUS Ents and ‘Titles Of The Unexpected’ is a know it’s not cool, but we’re not cool him. NUSSL (and the lovely Tania at NUS thrilling, uplifting album with subtle people. Neil does tell terrible jokes, As it is, they both seem content with Ents who has given us this competi- depths and massive potential. The though. He’s hard work.” their lot: Neil, after a long diatribe tion.). He is one of the bext hip-hop album promises to further cement the Since the days of Parliament, the focus against the government’s then proposals dj’s in the world and, just because E-Z Rollers reputation as top class has shifted towards Christine more for universities fees, has drawn his own we’re nice, you have the chance win a producers, pushing the boundaries legitimately than it ever had before conclusions: “I think everyone has copy of DJ Yodas fantastic album and further, and injecting a much-needed with the advent of celebrity reality concluded that Parliament is a waste of a bootleg tour t-shirt by answering the funk and energy. This is a landmark television (a sort of contradiction in time. It is now seen virtually as theatre following question: album for 2003 and once again terms, there, don’t you think?) and, and that is sad.” Of course, you can’t spotlights the E-Z Rollers marking in particular, I’m a Celebrity – Get help but think that he would only Q. what drink is bringing this bootleg a significant development of their Me Out of Here. “I loved it,” says succeed if it really was pantomime, tour to life? unique sound at the forefront of the Christine of the experience, “I basically but that, perhaps, is another headline intricate and constantly evolving love everything I do. That’s what life for another day: “Neil Hamilton – MP We’ve not harmed you chances by Drum and Bass scene. Or so it says. is all about.” once more.” including their logo right underneath Anyway, to win the album, just send Do the Hamiltons, with their this sentance, so e-mail in to the answer to the following question seemingly endless rounds of television [email protected] and await the to [email protected]: appearances, newspaper interviews result. and public appearances, think that they Q: name the old skool rapper are dependent on the very people that who is appearing on ‘Titles of the have ruined their lives? unexpected’. Neil disagrees: “If anything, they are the ones dependent on us – they are NUS ents rock! always beating a path to our door.” www.nusonline.co.uk Certainly, if the process through which Christine was chosen to go on 16 MUSIC 6 March 2003

THE BITTER END singles PLACEBO | HUT RECORDINGS When I first heard that Placebo were releasing a new album, I was expecting a further downward slide from the reasonable but ropey Black Market Music. SIMPLE THINGS However, on the evidence of DIRTY VEGAS | PARLOPHONE their new single, they seem to This release by Dirty Vegas, right back to their very best. They if you have not listened to the still keep their distinct style – album, presents a more rounded particularly the constant chugging band than the house track Days bass line – but they manage to Go By suggested. Described as keep it original. Here’s hoping the a ‘ballad’, Simple Things has a album is along similar lines. eight lot more to it as a pop song and | j.a. is sure to do well with the fans and others alike. It might be very worth your while to see them EL HULA ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA play live as they are very much VIOLENT LOVE EP | THINGS TO THE JEEVAS | COWBOY MUSIC/ a live act and they are playing in COME SETANTA London on 13th March. six | j.s. Take The Coral add a lot of Nick Ex-Kula Shaker mainman Cave and a tiny dash of Beck’s Crispian Mills, who takes sole way of thinking and you have songwriting credit for the two babylon ad this in the shape of El Hula. It is new tracks here, has dramatically cradle of filth | epic very good and definitely worth changed his outlook at some point Ipswich based band Cradle Of Filth have done it again. They have checking out. They are never over the past few years. Cynics managed to come up with the worst single of the year. Babylon AD going to be massive but that’s might argue that the rapidly is nearly six minutes in length and six minutes too long. If anyone not a bad thing. Deserves a dwindling commercial appeal was to ever visit Hell for a day Babylon AD would surely be the listen six | j.s. of his previous band’s pseudo- soundtrack, perfectly harmonised with the sound off people screaming Eastern mysticism prompted from an eternity of pain. How can anyone like this stuff? Someone this watershed, but regardless of please hide Cradle Of Filth. I never want to see their faces, I bet they Mills’s motivation, the result is TOUCH YOU are ugly. one (for having the balls to write it) | s.b. KATOI | BMG music reminiscent of the Shakers’ For me to like a dance tune, more occidental moments with there has to be something added sincerity. And, overlooking original or catchy about it that the live rendition of old track SLOW MOTION DAYDREAM makes me listen. However this ‘303’ (complete with original EVERCLEAR | CAPITOL RECORDS has neither of those in any of the cringe-inducing lyrics), it’s clearly One could be forgiven for 5 different mixes provided. It an improvement, if nothing to thinking, after the hard hitting would be o.k. in a club situation write home about. six | j.d. opener of How To Win Friends maybe as a filler track, but it And Influence People, that certainly would not make me BLUE JEANS Everclear had made a good and throw my hands in the air and LADYTRON | TELSTAR somewhat out of the ordinary boogie. three | j.a. Ladytron are one of the flagship pop album. However, it quickly acts of the current electro-pop becomes apparent that Slow scene. Their album Light & Motion Daydream amounts to Magic has been well received little more than a drop in the and judging by this single it’s endless stream of MTV-ready easy to see why. Blue Jeans is LA-punk pop bands whose the sound of a million ultra- names and, perhaps more so, efficient grinning robots doing music are quickly forgotten. If your ironing and shagging your albums I was ten years younger and on fridge. This is streamlined, perfect the lookout for music to play so pop, all seductive vocals and loud it would annoy my parents irresistible melody, and the fact I might be tempted to pick this that it would perfect advert music album. Other kinds of listeners for washing machines doesn’t are advised to dig deeper. four make it any less of a great track. | t.t. Buy it, if only to see your toaster dance. eight | a.c.

POWER LUNCH MUSIC FOR THE MORE MATURE... HAR MAR SUPERSTAR | B-UNIQUE DJ FORMAT | PIAS RECORDINGS I would like to nominate a lyric This LP release from DJ Format takes on the old skool hip hoppers with for the hypothetical lyric of the similarities to Jurassic 5 and Ugly Duckling. All B-Boys and B-Girls year competition: “I’m shaved are treated to guest vocals from Chali 2na & Akil of the aforementioned so close your tasting wax.” Ivor J5 on We Know You Don’t Know. Being the first single off Format’s Novello judges take note. Power debut album shows his skills along side some of the best vocalists in Lunch is electronically damaged their field. Up tempo beats and bongo make upLast Bongo In Brighton r ’n’ b from a very strange man using sampled vocals breaking up this funky instrumental. An intense with a worrying penchant for Hip Hop message this album is not, it rejoices music and life with break dancing on his neck. The floating lyrics with catchy up tempo loops and the customary bizarre weird-ass image aside this is samples in between tracks. An impressive first album in its genre shows top pop irreverence that I pray that getting the right vocal support goes a long way. seven | m.b. pollutes the top 40 in style. eight | a.r. 6 March 2003 MUSIC 17

EVERYTHING’S EVENTUAL FOLLY APPLETON | POLYDOR FORTDAX | TUGBOAT RECORDS Well I must say I didn’t have the highest hopes for this album. The It’s hard to make a general expendable blondes from the chart mediocrity that was the All Saints? statement about this 40 minute What could they possibly produce other than a fairly eye-pleasing album from FortDax, aka Darren inlay booklet? The answer is a fine album. Think of Madonna’s Ray Durham. Some of the tracks of Light and you have a fair idea of the type of sound they’ve gone could easily have been made by for. The standout tracks include catchy single Fantasy and Ring-A- my grandmother sitting by her STRIKE! UP THE BAND Ding-Ding, of which the latter is evidence of some serious song- Yamaha organ while other are SCARAMANGA SIX | WRATH writing ability. Okay some of the tracks are a bit watery but there’s dreamy synth tracks that take RECORDS enough quality here to suggest they’ve got some more tricks up their you on an imaginary journey Huddersfield’s Scaramanga Six collective sleeve - write them off as pop fluff at your peril. Great inlay somewhere, perhaps to a film set are a mish mash of funk, heavy booklet too. seven | a.c. in the night, streetlight silently rock and rock ‘n’ roll rolled flying past the raindrops on a into one. It is quiet uncommon car window. There are some GAMES AT HIGH SPEEDS to come across a band that Kraftwerk influences in here, as PILOT TO GUNNER | ARRCO process the ability to balance well as orchestral synth work 5 years in the making and for both rock energy with a subtle that well could be from Vangelis’ a debut album as well, ‘Games touch of soul fullness. At extensive catalogue. Problem at high speeds’ is quintessential times its pure congested chaos was, I had a hard time getting American lofi. Fuzzy guitars, and then allows an intake of through even 40 minutes of this in distraught vocals and soaring breath before the next assault. one sitting. six | t.t. melodies, the kind of album an Elemental is a great example of American Seafood would make. Scaramanga’s ability to make MEN ARE NOT NICE GUYS This band has toured constantly attitude curiously catchy and GRAND POPO FOOTBALL CLUB in the states for the past couple of funky. As intriguing they are Grand Popo Football Club is the years and are now ready to hit the many tracks miss that cutting brainchild of Parisian über-dandy UK shores. Messed up lofi indie, edge quality but with time and Ariel Wizman and producer oh and did I say they were from a bigger label, could easily do Nicolas Errera. Their single Men New York? seven | s.r. the trick. six | m.b. are not Nice Guys is a parody of MARY STAR OF THE SEAS electronic musicians in each of ZWAN | MARTHA’S MUSIC RELEASE Zwan are a Billy Corgan their notorious filthy habits -i.e. THE EVERLASTING BLINK assembled super group of grunge over sampling, using instrumental BENT | SPORT/MINISTRY causalities/veterans assigned slapped bass or vocoders. The idea Bent want to check you into the mission of sonically purging of unveiling the hype could have their clinic for the tediously the pop whores and chart sluts been a good concept but Grand sane, forget about the bustle and of America. Declaring he’d Popo’s effort is just too convincing: hustle of everyday life, do it the had enough with the Smashing horrendous collages and cheesy Bent the way, sit down, relax Pumpkins and chart music in vocal arrangements will make you and take it easy. This is what general in 2000, fans had to refrain from listening to the stuff ‘Everlasting Blink is all about, wait patiently for Corgan’s next after a few goes. Please listen to an hours break from the world project. Without dwelling to long some Daft Punk instead. Why around. According to Bent on the logistics of Zwan, Mary suffer for the sake of good [bad] this album is “all about birth Star of the Seas comfortably taste? four | j.h. and death, its talking about the marries pop accessibility with preservation of life”. Each track the wonderful musicianship of is sublime chill out, from the cute LET YOUR LOVE BE LOVE this group of grizzled grunge beeps of ‘Strictly Bongo’ to the THE SLEEPY JACKSON | VIRGIN superheroes. Listening to Settle swirling melancholia of ‘Beautiful The Sleepy Jackson are from TELEVISE Down is like being tap-tapped Otherness.’ Go on take it easy, Perth Western Australia and CALLA | RYKO in the chest before being thrown sit back, relax and enjoy. Superb! seem pretty pissed about it. Not another New York band! back and physically assaulted (but nine | s.r. This short album is full of Calla are different though. in a good way!). It’s the engaging confusingly schizophrenic They have had raving reviews nature of tracks like this and THROWING MUSES songs about joy and despair both for their live performances single Honestly that best promote THROWING MUSES | 4AD with the joyous stuff just and their material committed to the importance of Zwan and their This is the first album from theThrowing Muses in seven years. The winning out. As a band their compact disc over the past few music amongst the sea of pop release of their self titled album will be simultaneously released with music is hard to pin down, ping months in both the US and over floaters.eight | a.r. lead singer Kirstin Hersh’s solo album ‘The Grotto’. Throwing Muses ponging as it does between here. The NME describe them originally split in 1997 having released seven studio albums, but the chicken shed production as having ‘Haunted melodies decided to reform after a one off live show in 2000.The album sounds of Caffeine in the Morning and aching lyrics’ they are extremely raw and has had little done to make it sound commercial. to the majestic centrepiece scarily close to the truth for Throwing Muses have gone back to their roots. The album was recorded that is Sunkids. The later a change.Televise is the third over three weekends in 2002, due to a lack of finance. All members have is Polyphonic Spree with album from Calla, their first day jobs so touring and rehearsing in limited, this has all added to raw uprooted preach and heart-on- being released way back in sounding album. Stand out tracks include ’Speed and Sleep’ a powerful the-sleeve emotion. Listening 1999. They have developed a track with PJ Harvey qualities to it. ‘Solar Dip’ could easily be a single, to Let Your Love Be Love is unique sound, a sound that is it has a radio friendly vibe. If you are a fan of either The Bellrays or the quite unlike the Sleepy Jackson intensely atmospheric, a sound Yeah Yeah Yeahs you will love the Throwing Muses. Be sure to check live experience. Live they are a that has audiences transfixed. them out dudes! much edgier proposition with a The thick bass lines flow albums distinctly different set list and perfectly. Imagine a slow Ikara words by: al read | andrew malek deafening bass effects. I was Colt (if that’s possible) and | simon robinson | anna wheeler | disappointed by the absence that is similar to the sound of jonathan darzi | matty b | anthos of killer live track Apples Calla, if you have fallen for chrysanthou | jonathan howell (wicked bass) on this album recent dirty garage-rock bands terje tjervaag | johnathan allen but I guess it will show up then you will surely fall for a if you are interested in writing for soon. Schizophrenic on record, slower version. Calla, hopefully the music team, then come along schizophrenic live, one thing is gracening these shores very to the cd hand-out in the media for sure the Sleepy Jackson are soon. nine | s.b. centre on mondays at 5pm consistently mental. eight | a.r. Whats On events Friday 7th - Sunday 16th March “Apparently this bit isn’t as good as it used to be. Like many things in life really.”

One World Week Election Night FNO Gala Night Main Union Fri Main Hall 9-2am One World Week Radio 1’s One World Disco Bobby Friction & Nehal Sat Main Union HRB 10-2am Main Union Sport Free Film Sheffield United v Leeds (KO 11.30) Sun Die Another Day 8pm ‘Still the best deal in town’ Pay £9 on the door, and pay no more. Mon Main Union 9-2am Battle of the Bands Tue Main Union from 7pm Leroy presents ‘What you want to hear’ Wed Citrus 9-2am Main Union, £2/£4 HRB & Main Union 9pm start hancellors hallenge Book at reception C Plus X-Box Its the quiz of the week. Thu Tournament Chancellors 8pm K-Klass loves the 90’s Fri See feature ad for details Graham Gold cigarsandgoodliving Plus a holiday for two to Ibiza Sat Main Union 9-2am Main Union Sport Some football, www.skysports.com Free Film for details Harry Potter & Chamber Sun of secrets 7pm 6 March 2003 MUSIC 19

Bit of a and tonight he gets the night failed to see them. When talking groove, not missing change going with some electro and to some enthusiastic dancers later a beat with their for you this sleazy house. When it comes to apparently they were a bit like feet and throwing week, instead of the current electro scene however, this, “I thought they were going their arms up with the normal dreary then Jacque Le Cont is king. to be shit but the women had a the lights at every bands that most of Since leaving Zoot women he great voice and the keyboards, crank of the flange. you have never heard has managed to make a name well they were just beautiful.” The night just floats of, I thought I’d check for himself as one of the best in Whilst the “beautiful” electro along with Matt out the Wall of Sound the genre. Tonight’s set is a lot was on downstairs upstairs saw Hardwick taking night at Fabric. The labels deeper than his normal mixed up Nag Nag Nag residents and Black over unnoticeably being building a name for slice of eighties synth and electro Strobe playing some electro and keeping the itself for years now and what but as his set progresses the fun clash. Filthy bass, lots of synth chugging beats with Royksopp’s ‘Melody starts as he mixes in the theme and some pretty good tunes saw pacing along. We AM’ still selling can the rest from 2001 space Odyssey and lots of happy feet shuffling away. all dance without a of the label keep up? First up finishes with ‘Sweet dreams’ by Back downstairs after the band care and like we don’t want to go is Ewan Pearson, one half of the Eurythmics which leaves us Jon Carter takes to the booth to bed but before we know it the playgroup but not as famous as humming the tune till dawn. playing his normal mix of sleazy lights are on and we’re told to go Trevor Jackson, Ewan has been The night becomes a bit less house and broken beats. Its 2am home, its all gone too quickly. producing some great tracks at clear after Jaqcue leaves and and the drunks are leaving and After hours club anyone? simon them moment (go find Manilla), there was a band on after but I the rest settle down into their robinson

and Samantha’s eccentricities OK, hands up everyone who that give this band so many has heard of ‘Death Disco’. interesting live dimensions. I Anyone? Well think rock, think won’t labour over song titles but funk, think disco and then add instead I’ll recommend this band them together, and you might get This then became a gig of two to any fan of acoustic, melodic a rough idea of this incredibly halves. As soon as the guest had ‘proper’ music. Highlights outlandish style of music. Along left the stage, Radio 4 became included a wonderful display of with bands like The Faint and less Death, and much more ‘Bez’ style dancing when one The Rapture, Radio 4 – a New Disco. The final five songs, crowd member jumped up on York 5 piece with a penchant including the forthcoming single stage. With just one song to go for black clothing – are starting ‘Eyes Wide Open’, made for the band invited anyone who an invasion into the garage rock an incredible finish to the show The Bee Good Tanyas hail from folk reached out to a hugely wanted to join them for a lively scene. Tonight, their support was with the crowd getting much British Columbia Canada. I appreciative crowd. There show closer. Aside from friends from McLusky. Vocally they were more into the groove of things. would un-energetically describe were some early jitters but and support act Erin Mckeown terrible, and musically they were By the time the band reached their music as both relevant and these were instantly excusable; the crowd were privileged to only sporadically reasonable. To the final song – the punked up, expertly crafted. They shot to there was never any attempt witness the dance moves of an be honest the less there is said funked up disco protest romp prominence recently when new to fool the crowd with a fake unknown indie youngster from about the rest, the better. After (the song is about the banning of album Chinatown far exceeded self-confidence. The Bee the audience. He was quite this, I was expecting a rousing dancing in New York bars) that everyone’s expectations by Good Tanyas were charmingly frankly the funniest and best performance from Radio 4 to is ‘Dance to the Underground’ selling in the thousands rather unaccustomed to a venue like dancer I have ever seen; the band make up for the lack of quality – the whole venue was jumping. than the 500 originally predicted. the Festival Hall and this was and the whole audience couldn’t from their support. They started After a slow start, they really The band is comprised of three just one factor that lifted this take their eyes of his blend of quite well, with the first two pulled out all the stops and Canadian women led by a singer gig above the majority I’ve high-energy freaky dancing. I songs getting the crowd moving, succeeded in sending shivers with a simple yet captivating been to recently. Looking round have never laughed and smiled so but after that they started to go down my spine on several voice – all the more remarkable during the set everyone had big much at a gig in my life. A good downhill. The poor start to the set occasions. After two obscure live considering her obviously smiles which were accentuated time was had by all and if there’s climaxed with a guest performing covers as an encore, the crowd pregnant form. Once they’d further by the nervous chat of any justice in the world they the vocals on ‘Struggle’. was sent home with one great acclimatised to the spacious singer/ukulele player Samantha. and their now legendary dancer big collective grin and an urge Royal Festival Hall setting, the It was the skilled banjo and slide should be propping up more to start dancing in public. Or band’s thoroughly modern blend guitar playing of Trish coupled frequently. was that just me? of heartfelt American with the singer’s beautiful voice alex read jon allen

“The Armitage Shanks Works Band A nine piece soul band still in its Formed in late 1999 and (Purveyors of fledgling year. Covering a range arrived at their current line up F i n e Traditional Jazz, of soul classics you’ll be hard in September 2002, blending and Quality Crappers) perform pressed to miss the groove when manic funky beats, fat bass lines regularly on and off campus. Trademark you see the guys in action. and powerful guitar riffs with are: Oliver Playing a wide variety of fragile melancholy. The band Horton, Stuart Meads, Paul dixieland, blues, and other forms are currently working on new Soulsby. Trademark play: voices, of trad jazz, the octet this year material with a view to touring synthesisers. Previous Trademark first round of live’s battle of includes vocals, alongside the towards the end of this year and events have occurred at: The Fan the bands: Grunge four piece from South normal line-up. The band are quite releasing a second EP in early Club (London), Truck Festival tuesday march 11th London. Together for 3 years, happy to play anywhere where 2003. www.mistakenid.co.uk (Oxfordshire). Album ‘Fear: 7:30pm gigging for 2. New EP to follow some free liquid refreshment can Disconnection’ available soon. students’ union www.syncratic.com. be arranged” www.trademark-online.co.uk £1 entry 20 LIFESTYLE 6 March 2003

Week 6 Answer: Anyone that walks to Tescos, or goes out that end of campus will have passed UniSport… last week’s Quiz challenge was the light above the door on Continuing the theme of reader-written contributions, this week’s lyrics quiz has been the ivy covered building. written by Helen Beaumont who claims that ‘no one will know any of these songs,’ so feel Week 7 Clue: A few months ago this bin free to prove her wrong. Apparently the theme is ‘alternative music’ so read that as you was in the news as people blew it up by will. putting a firework in it… but where is it? If you agree with her, and this week’s has been a little on the tough side for you, then how chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter about following her example and writing your own lyrics quiz? Then you’ll be able to sit tight, looking smug, as those around you ponder the answers next week. Send your list of ten lyrics to [email protected] and await your offering to appear in this hallowed position in the weeks to come.

[1] I can spit further than you can hurl [2] Think I’ll try impress my mates, so I jump into the lake [3] Every triangle has 3 corners, every triangle has 3 sides [4] When I wake up in my make-up it’s too early for that dress [5] True perfection has to be imperfect [6] Shock shock horror horror shock shock horror

[7] I wish I could sometimes I wish I would [8] Do you know about her strength of convicion

[9] Dont remember what they said Who wants to be a millionaire? [10] Im not the kind of guy who likes to go to work well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down “ £100: in which country did the drink ‘saki’ originate? I can’t seem to find the words a: spain | b: france | c: italy | d: japan that’s because this is a word search £200: how many legs does a tripod have? a: 1 | b: 3 | c: 9 | d: 100 girls allowed musical instruments could call their band girls aloud £300: when eaten, which part of a cow is known as tripe? a: tongue | b: rump | c: neck | d: stomach lining

£500: in which part of the world is the ‘limbo’ a local dance? a: hawaii | b: east africa | c: west indies | d: indonesia “ £1k: on which form of transport did Thor Heyerdahl cross the Pacific in 1947? a: rowing boat | b: raft | c: balloon | d: glider

£2k: according to Edward Lear, the Owl and the Pussy-Cat went to sea in a boat of which colour? a: sky blue | b: pea green | c: jet black | d: brick red

£4k: in 1993, Esha Ness ‘won’ which horse race that never was? a: 1000 guineas | b: grand national | c: cheltenham gold cup | d: derby

£8k: what is the SI unit of illumination ? a: lux | b: candela | c: watt| d: kelvin

£16k: in knitting, what is the name if the stitch made by doing a plain stitch backwards? a: purl | b: curl | c: whurl | d: gurl

£32k: which is the largest city in the USA’s largest state? a: dallas | b: los angeles | c: new york | d: anchorage

£64k: in terms of population, what is the largest Portugese speaking city in the world? a: lisbon | b: rio de janeiro | c: sao paulo | d: oporto The contest continues: Chris Tar- rant vs. Anne Robinson. Who is the £125k: who was Prime Minister when Captain Scott reached the South Pole? champion? Your thoughts, please: a: lloyd george | b: campbell-bannerman | c: bonar law | d: asquith [email protected] The wordsearch has now firmly established itself in the weekly barefacts £250k: which TV character had a secretary called Joan Greengross? tradition, and is apparently proving itself most popular amongst the a: jim bergerac | b: reginald perrin| c: james herriot | d: mike baldwin Chancellor’s bar staff. This week it returns with a vaguely musical theme, although it is debatable as to whether mentioning ‘girls aloud’ £500k: which Enlgish king was known as ‘Old Rowley’? and ‘music’ in the same sentence is acceptable. a: henry viii | b: richard iii | c: charles ii | d: george iv

Any thoughts on the wordsearch? Is it completed by more people than £1m: Boadicea’s tribe, the Iceni, lived in which part of Britain? those pouring pints in Channie’s? Let us know: [email protected]. a: northumberland | b: east anglia | c: wales | d: cornwall 6 March 2003 LIFESTYU 21

ife After The Womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give L a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson…

I’VE reached a point in time where I have THIS is probably the first time I’ve written The last time I properly sat down to watch television was a Wednesday. I probably had an Quiz decided to run my food supplies into the Rawson’s Creek on good old fashioned excessive amount of work in for the next day (an obligatory motivating factor for semi- ground. This means that my meals over paper, as opposed to staring at a computer permanent televisual habits), had no intention of doing it and more than likely knew there the last week have consisted of ingredients screen in an internet induced trance. But was half a tub of ice-cream left in the freezer from a previous experience I shall not go into that you would just never put together. seeing that I am currently sitting outside on here. The first meal consisted of Chicken Fajita a rather damp table writing this on my lap, This particular evening’s entertainment began when I set myself in the half-reclined powder with new potatoes, topped with I really can’t see that it’s going to be any position on the two-seater sofa at around 5pm. I was not to move for twelve hours due to broccoli. This was finished by Tescos improvement on normal... the unravelling saga that was the American presidential elections. I was fascinated; I was Value rice pudding and 6 month out of date BACK to a recurring theme in my half of giving my housemates constant updates on who had won how many electoral votes and, at chocolate Nesquik. While these meals were this column: Roast Dinners. This week, the end of it all, I had no idea who had won. The only thing I did know was that I didn’t interesting, one meal that I tried on Monday instead of the normal (or not so normal) know how Al Gore could have lost, but that is by the by. night I shall never make again. pre-dinner conversation, Ian turned up Before all this had started, I had observed Prime Minister’s question time. There hadn’t THIS consisted of frying some Tescos with a brand new addition to the Roast been much in the way of questions, but even if there had have been there wouldn’t have value processed peas in 2 spoonfuls of Dinner Soc arsenal – a set of children’s been much in the way of answers. peanut butter. I then added some rice to the card games: snap, old maid, donkey, “Would the Right Honourable gentleman like to tell the house what the government wok and mixed it all together. When served animal snap, you name it, we played it! intends to do with the National Health Service and its ignorance of the basic requirements up it looked like a giant snot on my plate, Unfortunately, the donkey card, which was such a service requires?” and the only way I could eat this was to meant to be ‘hidden’ (does anyone else “In answer to such a question, I would ask the right honourable gentleman this: how many force myself to think of all the vitamins I know the game? Am I making any sense?!) times has he been to hospital in the last five months? When did he last apply himself to the was eating! was a different colour to all the others, issue at hand? Wherefore do his priorities lie? I can assure you of this: we have looked OVER the year various floors have stood making the game a little… easy! at the situation, observed it, noted it down and looked at all of the possibilities. We have out in Battersea Court, but the ones that ON Monday night, Sparkle once again concluded that more needs to be done before we can make irrefutable conclusions and will have stood out the most are all the floors beckoned, with its tempting offer of £9 deliver on the statistics that prove we are still looking for categorical evidence.” in Wells, and Tate 1. I’m not sure if there for all you can drink. Mondays reliably In a word: no. is something in Wells’ water (and I don’t produce some of the most surreal events of Who was it that decided the cushioning of the Houses of Parliament, or at least its House mean Legionella), or the fact that they the week, and this one was no exception, of Commons, should be green? More to the point, was it the same person that stipulated are all 1st years, but all the floors are full A guy called James, otherwise known the House of Lords should have red leather upholstery? For if it was the same person, of really nice people who love taking to me as ‘zippy guy’ after one Monday, were they making some humorous observation of the British political system based on part in everything. Just give the guys on turned up last night with a hand puppet, the resemblance the pattern politics bears to traffic lights? I presume that when they were Wells 3 some boob tubes, and you’ll see henceforth known as ‘dirty badger’. After making the Houses of Parliament, there were no such things as traffic lights for there was exactly what I mean! Now Tate 1, I can being really quite well behaved for an hour not much in the way of traffic, or certainly not the quantity that requires lights for the only assume there really is something in or so, badger made his way around several specific purpose of controlling traffic flow. That said, then, means they couldn’t have been the water, as both this year and last year’s people, and started ‘misbehaving’ himself saying that. Unless the whole idea of red to stop, green to go was born a long time before residents are all great fun. Last year’s whenever I went near him, certainly living traffic required being told when to stop. Which it very well could have been. bunch have the famous www.tateone.com up to his nickname. But after a suicidal leap And why red for stop? Green for go, red for stop. Aside from the alliterative aspect of website, which includes the adventures of off the Union balcony and a run in with it (can you think of a colour beginning with “s”, apart from silver?) then we would have Henry the Hoover (the latest update covers security, Badger miraculously disappeared. to assume the danger aspect of red: red = danger. So are the Lords of the House of Lords Henry’s trip with them to Sweeden!), and a So, if you’ve seen a rather naughty looking dangerous? It would seem so, based on rational assumptions made of their choice of who-dunnit skid mark gallery! badger wandering around campus, send him upholstery colour. I’M in the activities centre writing this and home to James, because he’s distraught! upstairs in the Union is the International AND finally, after an appeal for another Exhibition. It’s amazing what a cultural sixty words or so to my friends, Helen has diversity we have at this University, and come up with the following health warning: tasting the different foods is really cool. In don’t, on any account, down four bottles fact, with what I’ve been eating recently I’d of java one after the other. In will only end better make the most of eating nice food! in tears. And to the bar staff: if you see her Normal service will be resumed next week. trying it again, stop her on all accounts! chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter THIS is Sarah Butterworth, reporting on a laptop outside in the rain. Over and out. ‘ickle sarah butterworth

Upside-down answers Lyrics quiz: [1] Hell Is For Heroes - I In what way could a Peer possibly be dangerous? So old that they dribble you to death? Can Climb Mountains [2] A - I Love Lake Tahoe [3] Embrace - 3 Is A Magic Number Does their incontinence gush forth so alarmingly that a lack of immediate action results in [4] Hole - Celebrity Skin [5] Oasis - Little drowning in a pool of piss? Or does their nasal hair take on a life of its own so that it can By Little [6] Space - Female of the species [7] My Vitriol - Always : Your Way [8] strangle you at the mere sight of a pair of tweezers? Less Than Jake - All My Best Friends Are More than likely none of the above. So why red? I think it might be the same reason they Metalheads [9] Reel Big Fish - Sell Out [10] [spunge] - Jump On Demand employ old blokes to work as security guards: it’s a sort of reverse psychology thing. WWTBAM: [£100: d]; [£200: b]; [£300: If I was to employ someone to work as security in a retail store, I would probably go for d]; [£500: c]; [£1k: b]; [£2k: b]; [£4k: b]; the young, athletic, quick, aerobically sustainable human. Call me picky, but that’s what [£8k: a]; [£16k: a]; [£32k: d]; [£64k: c]; [£125k: d]; [£250k: I’d do. Most retailers, however, seem to opt for the mid-fortyish, balding, moustachioed b]; [£500k: c]; [£1m: b] (I’m not sure why that is), slightly tubby specimen of human. Not only this, but they dress them in what look to be uncomfortable uniforms and make them wear, of all the footwear imaginable, big heavy shoes – the sort more conducive to working on a building site that chasing some young whipper-snapper who has just nicked a packet of rich-tea biscuits. So what is the logic behind this? As far as I can see, there is none, apart from to dissuade would-be thieves from stealing items that don’t belong to them out of sympathy for the poor bugger who would probably have a heart attack as a result of attempting to chase them. This had a meaning, but I seem to have lost it. 22 LIFESTYLE 6 March 2003 almost accurate astrology I do...... actually I didn’t words: victoria venning because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive I thought it was about time that I did a bit of undercover journalism; for this I needed some kind of alias, a disguise (preferably not of the plastic nose, moustache and funny glasses words: rich w kind) and obviously something interesting to investigate. My aim was to ruthlessly find out Aquarius well, your grandma. Don’t let this upset the truth; is it true that as a bridesmaid you are guaranteed to pull the best man? As luck Having eaten particularly you, though, for she is having a right old would have it my sister decided to get married last weekend providing me with the perfect pungent foods, your ability knees up with Max Bygraves whilst holding opportunity. In true Donal McIntyre to still smell sweet and fresh on to his blue toothbrush. style, and purely for the sake of results in pharmaceutical companies asking for swabs of your saliva. Which in some research, I spent the entire day in countries is considered a sexual advance. Leo character; my disguise - a slim-line Assurances that you weren’t the facts of life silk dress (no meringues here, ta conceived on the back of a very much), my hair (unusually Pisces motorbike seem a little unlikely for myself!) coiffed, a posy of Living dangerously this week, when you start making noises similar to bright pink flowers in one hand and you decided to eat All-Bran that of a four year old boy with a toy car in glass of Moët in the other, all was every day and will soon realise his hand during your lecture this afternoon. looking good. So now to hunt down it to be a mistake as your IBS rears its ugly Approach your parents about this. the best man, who was by all accounts very eligible, attractive, nice AND very single.... head for the first time since your obsession Being a bridesmaid (and an undercover one at that) is not quite as straight forward as one with crumpets in the first year. might imagine; whilst trying to maintain the bride’s radiant beauty (ie. checking mascara Virgo hasn’t smudged, lip-stick’s not on teeth and veil is still in hair and not caught on a passing Stop getting up early just to Granny’s brooch) you are being accosted by relatives you didn’t even know existed, old Aries catch your housemate in their Talking of crumpets, in the towel after a shower. family friends who like to remind you that at one stage in your life they changed your parts of the country where nappy, and slightly tipsy old men who try to give you a bit of a squeeze and a rather you originally hail from, they lengthy ‘peck’ on the cheek, hmmm. Then there’s the conversations which are all basically call crumpets pikelets. Don’t let your the same just repeated in different ways; yes, I live in Guildford, yes, I am finally in my homesickness for such little idiosyncrasies Libra final year, no, I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life, and yes, I certainly get you down, though – within the week Your inconspicuous have grown since 1984. So with all this going on and the best man doing his speeches and you’ll be wishing you didn’t have a silly glances towards the looking after the groom, there wasn’t even time for a bit of friendly flirtation let alone accent and will enrole for elocution lessons window will lead the lecturer of your anything else. I’m thinking maybe it’s easier to pull if you are just a guest, at the local Eliza Doolittle school for toughest module to criticise you for perhaps I could investigate that, purely in the name of research you prospective women. not paying attention. They will be understand. Anyone getting married soon? correct, but it is difficult to ignore a banner saying “I am Donal Trump’s ex- Taurus wife” at the window, I’ll give you that. Despite many assertions that you are not a film fan, the meeting you had with an Scorpio eloquent, interesting male in the public Id. Ego. Superego. Redress the words: sarah butterworth eye will lead you to many free films in the balance and pull your hand out In a departure from Funkyberry’s normal cyber offerings, I hope that he will be there to listen to your of your trousers. have stepped into his shoes with some contributions of my own random wonderful and sexy accent. websites. However, I’ve decided to take the alternative approach. I simply typed ‘random website’ into the ever reliable www.google.com, Sagittarius and came up with the aptly named www.randomwebsite.com, a site Gemini If the truth is that which does exactly what it says on the tin – if you’re bored, all you need Your friend will insist you you miss them, do is click on their ‘random website generator’ and Bob’s your Uncle, accompany him to the cinema then find them and you have your very own random website. It also carries the handy advice in order to capitalise on any stop bemoaning your inability to converse “don’t leave the house with your fly open and make sure you’ve got up to random meetings you might have with the with soap-characters on anything but a date virus protection.” How appropriate. beautiful person you haven’t been able to superficial and interactive level. On a slightly different tack, www.fart-machines.com brought me get out of your mind since last Friday. True a list of the site owner’s favourite random links, to everything from love has not died. skateboards, to Buddhism and even 15 recording studios. I also found Capricorn people moaning that their homepage kept changing to a random website, You cannot get rope burn from many more random website generators (do people really spend all day Cancer Velcro and you need no prior doing this?) and several more worrying sites. Despite true love not being boy scouts experience when So that concludes this week’s offer or randomness. I expect next week dead, the flowers you bought using it: worth bearing in mind when your Funkyberry will appear relatively normal! for your grandma’s funeral shoelace proves to be a difficulty for the have very much followed the same path as, forth morning in a row. www.ussu.co.uk/elections03 6 March 2003 SPORT 23 Archers head for UniSport update foggy Birmingham UniSport Guildford 2 Chichester 3 BY THE STAG HILL ARCHERS

FOR THOSE OF you not awake at 8am on UNISPORT LOST TO local rivals Chichester Saturday 22nd February it was very foggy and who made it to the semi finals in the cold. Therefore the Stag Hill Archers (or 10 National League. Chichester started strongly of us at least) decided to go to Birmingham with Linda Charman (world no. 4) beating for a curry so that we could warm up. The Fiona Geaves (world no.11) 3 – 1 and local fact that we were entered in the BUSA hero Mick Biggs losing to Chris Tomlinson Indoors Tournament had relatively little to by the same score line. At 2 – 0 it looked do with it. like UniSPORT would be in for another We were lucky that whilst the visibility was hiding against an improved Chichester on the low side, the roads were fairly clear side. Then Neil Frankland came on court and so we made good time to Birmingham. and dismissed Ben Ford 3 – 1 before the After arriving at the University, the actual impressive Stacey Ross kept up his good shoot dragged by – a lack of time control form by beating Ritwik Battacharya 3 – 0. made for a more informal shoot, but some At 2 – 2 it was all down to the last game Injury strikes UniS squash team archers did extract the Michael with the between Steve Meads and Chichester’s Tim LAST WEDNESDAY SAW Surrey take on maintain his unbeaten record this season. So amount of time they were taking and so Vail. On paper this was a game we should Oxford in the last sixteen of the BUSA the score was one all with three strings still it was not until over 3 hours had passed have won but unfortunately it was not to be Championships for a place in the to play. Mike Willmoor played a good game that we allowed to hastily pack away our UniSPORT’s night and Tim Vail outplayed quarterfinals. Hopes for victory were high for UniS, amazing winners coming out of equipment before being thrown out so that his opponent winning 3 – 1 and took the in the Surrey side, with faith in our strength nowhere, and a lot of dedication shown the next session could begin. On the whole points for Chichester. and depth. Adam Redmayne and Chris with some of his running. Unfortunately we left somewhat disappointed with our This was the last home game of the season Petch were first on for Surrey, both looking it wasn’t enough, and Mike went down in respective performances, although a big for the Guildford based side and with one to get the first points on the board for UniS. three games, although he played well and congratulations to Sumeet who broke 500 game left UniSPORT look like they are Chris struck first using depth and attacking the score did not reflect the match. Paul (out of 600) for the first time, and also to going to finish th5 . volley’s to manoeuvre his opponent around Clough dispatched of his opponent with Adam and Tim who put healthy amounts SKY TV COMING TO THE VARSITY and take the first game. Adam handled his ruthless efficiency, using his pace, power onto their personal bests. Congratulations Sky television are coming to the Varsity opponent with his usual tactic of speed and athleticism to destroy the opposition for must also go to Mike for his 3rd in the Gents Bar on 8th March to film customers watch and touch drops to take the first game. the loss of only eight points. Paul Chance Compound section and to Barry (in a triumph Ireland v France in the 6 Nations on the big From here things started to go downhill played extremely well, and was looking of Birmingham’s generosity over BUSA’s screens. Bar deals will be available so if you as Adams opponent seemed to get quicker good to destroy his opponent as well, but miserliness) for his 2nd in the (“unofficial”) want to be seen by your mum on tv then get and quicker, whilst Adam started to fade. the disaster struck in the form of a foot Novice Gents Recurve section. down to the Varsity. For more details email After some truly horrendously long rallies, injury. This prevented Paul from being able In true Oscars fashion, we’d like to [email protected] or tel. ext 3226. it became clear that Adam was not going to to move around the court, and loosing his thank our hosts for accommodating be able to maintain this pace. He maintained match, although he competed gamely until nearly 300 archers under rather difficult his effort level though, going down to a then end. So UniS Squash lost to Oxford 2- circumstances, one member would like to UNISPORT EVENTS respectable score line in four games. Chris 3 and on another day, I feel we could have thank his hairstylist, we’d all like to thank 6 Nations Rugby | Sat 8th Mar | Varsity had managed to stave off a fight back by reversed that result for sure. Now we are our parents…and of course a big thank you Red Nose Fun | Fri 14th Mar | Varsity his opponent, who had won the second looking forward to playing Cardiff in the to Nadia who droves there and back again 6 Nations Rugby | Sat15th Mar | Varsity game, to win in four on the other court and promotion playoffs. safely through the encroaching mist.

If you’re get-up and you know it, clap brother??? AANNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD all 2 do with security your hands, If you’re get-up and you MEET ME WED 9PM CHANCELLORS, & wot u cant do on westside floor 3. know it, clap your hands, If you’re get-up One Euro!, 2 down 9 to go! I WANT YOU! <...Ruff::Rhyme::Robee$y...> and you know it and you really want to show it, If you’re get-up and you know it Wanted 7 females, who were last seen To Whom it may concern, get your facts And super rate doesn’t always mean you’re email: [email protected]!! being escorted from Bar Med! straight before posting personals, or you super. may find yourselves eating your words, Rhys, when a “girl asks do u have any 1-0 to the seconds literally. Adam All men are Bas***ds! videos” “i got porn” is NOT a good answer red bull gives you wings “Hello Hottie” to everyone at house 51!! paul is that sick i smell? i swear it wasnt me that put the personal Where has all my Museli gone? Hi I’m Fred Wibbly-Dobnob, Vote [1] for Next week, 20 ways to improve your in about adam & kelly. honestly, was quite me and I’ll organise world peace. KUDOS rating..... funny tho Nehal, stop stealing all of the houses food! -will We know its you! KIGU! I hear you have been flying the great buzz airlines lately! Make sure those curtains Jon she was soooo nice, whats wrong with .....and the award for the alcholic of the Crazy Pete can’t get it up... Ian can you are closed! u? year goes to Sticky, for the 4th year in a help us out? row!We are so so proud! long dog! long dog! long dog! nobody mess with sania or she’ll bite your beware: one monkey mole in green wig head off! one euro for the night of your life at 48! spotted on campus Saturday morning Shout out for the Croucher Crew! Saddle boy and Skeletor..... hello! Wales, ha ha I sware I had knickers on when I left my Yes Neil & Pete, a breakfast wrap and house! truckers breakfast is damn greedy!! Katie, my get-up of the week last week, Sully, she may not have been able to finds herself in exactly the same position lick her nipples but she obviously did andy smells of poo Sittin - down in AP, this week! Get-up! something right! bored as can be, DID YA SEE ROB WITT @MALTHUS dave rubbing hands with glee, Sorry kristy, but if it helps i still think your Pizza night, every Saturday, uni court DINNER??My my!what a mover!! at some pornography: gorgeous. house 48 If all drugs were free RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOWWWW i wouldn’t be @ uni. Princess, you still owe amanda one! (but Vaishali, where is my 18 year old WWWWWWLLLLLLLLLAAAAAA But its not up 2 me - dont let cat find out!) Crazy Havoc man! 24 6 March 2003 SURREY PRIDE Surrey (fail to) sparkle in the Sunday sunshine

“WHAT ARE WE doing?” won the prize for BY KRIS TEMPLE most uttered phrase, as representatives from the crème de la crème of Surrey sporting ground caked in sunshine, the stage was set talent gathered outside NatWest at 8.30 on for an enjoyable day’s sport, with both the Sunday morning. England-Australia and Worthy Cup Final as For they were off in search of glory, at additional entertainments in the bar. an inaugural tournament at Southampton Unfortunately, the bar was where most University, and organised by SUSC of our teams spent the afternoon, as very (Southern University Sports Conference) strong opposition from higher BUSA – a group of which Surrey are one of the leagues reduced the Surrey Pride to bit-part founder members. The aim of SUSC is involvement. basically to provide events and competitions Things didn’t bode well for the Men’s beyond the end of the regular BUSA Football 7’s squad, who were 3-0 down after season, and includes institutions from 2 minutes of their first game …..they did along the South coast, namely Brighton, however go on to win a marathon penalty Bournemouth, Chichester, King Alfred’s, shoot-out against Portsmouth to claim 7th Portsmouth, Southampton, Southampton place. Institute, Surrey and Sussex. Netball were able to top up their tans after In true Surrey fashion of course, despite the lunch break, as they found life without the 8.30 meeting time, the coach didn’t a shooter just a little too tough. Men’s depart until 9.15, as the football and rugby Rugby were able to utilise their strong back teams both knocked on a few doors around division to provide a competitive side in the campus, and reeled off “Well I’ve got a mate 7’s, while Hockey were robbed of a semi- from primary school whose Gran once went final place when they chucked away a 2-0 to bingo in Southampton, so he might play” lead in the final 7 minutes to Sussex. The to complete their, er, wafer-thin squads. seasiders’ last attack saw a powerful shot at Rifle club visit Commonwealth range Full credit where it’s due to the Netball goal take about 17 deflections, and fly past LAST THURSDAY SAW the Rifle Club venture basic shooting principles and techniques and Hockey teams though, who were all stand-in keeper Pip. out for its first trip to Bisley. The journey was given. Everyone received one-on-one present and correct bang on time, including And so the Pride returned Guildford-way was less than ten miles each way, to the most coaching from the club’s more experienced Chef who looked as if he’d camped outside devoid of any silverware, but as we all know, prestigious range complex in the country. members. The club will continue to develop NatWest for the night. it’s that taking part thing that counts!… For example, the new ‘Malcolm Cooper’ the skills of its members, and will be able Hockey’s attendance was even more thanks to all those who gave up their Sunday range was built especially for the 2002 to analyse each individual’s progress over remarkable considering a monster birthday and made the effort to represent Surrey. Commonwealth Games, and comprises subsequent sessions. pub crawl the night before. Not pretty sights And thanks also to Jim Exall of the football electronic targets for both Air Rifle (10 Many thanks go to Security, and the USSU the Hockey lot come 8.30 Sunday. team, for giving us all a laugh with his meters) and .22” Target Rifle (50 metres sports departments. With Southampton’s impressive sports chronic simultaneous-quad-and-hamstring outdoors), an indoor 25yd range, a fitness The club operates on Thursday evenings cramp on the way home! suite and conference rooms. between 6:30 and 10pm. If you would like We left shortly after 7pm by minibus. more information, please contact Ben: After the safety brief, an introdution to [email protected] Equestrian girls ride again

THE EQUESTRIAN CLUB has been very busy UniS boating club back on top this year, so the lack of news is due to BY RACHAEL BEMROSE with a strong my tardiness. Firstly, if you haven’t seen r h y t h m . the UniSports Calendar, I’m extremely ON SATURDAY, UNIVERSITY of Surrey Boat M e l i s s a disappointed with you, for the horny, I mean Club travelled the short trip to Burway steered a horsey, girls put in a supreme performance, Rowing Club to participate in their first race great course despite managing to keep our clothes on of 2003. A ‘Head Race’ a time trial against to enable (classy!). the clock to see who is the fastest down the USBC to So what else have the sexy sirens been up 3000m course. This time it was upstream, take one of to? Well, some aren’t juts pretty faces, our just to make it that bit more enjoyable!! their rival more talented lasses can proficiently ride USBC had 2 crews entered, 1 in each of the crews within horses quote unfamiliar to them and yes – I 2 divisions, a Women’s Novice Coxed Four 3 minutes. am talking about the first and second team and a Men’s Senior 3 Coxed Four. As the race BUSA competitions. The girls went off in the first division, c o n t i n u e d The competitions are arranged between powering off the start at a good rate. They the four four local universities drawn at random. average of nine jumps at a height of 3ft. If held a good rhythm through the middle, put more The A team (minus the van) faced UCL, you’re not impressed, then you should be! and with Chrissie screaming at them, they distance between themselves and the rest of Imperial and Royal Holloway, whilst the B The teams did extremely well, with several started to move through the field taking rival the pack to finish hard taking the rating up, team were drawn against Southampton and riders from each division placed individually crews on their way. Coming into the final right to the end. Brunel (no fourth team). Each university – a great achievement. Impressively, the A kilometre the pain was starting to show on The results showed that the Women had takes it in turns to host the contest at their team displayed twice that they didn’t need the girls’ faces, but they kept it together to a great day beating their nearest rival by riding school, meaning that at three of the to know an animal to ride it, by winning finish with a massive push through the last an absolutely massive 1 minute and 47 four competitions the teams ride horses one away competition and coming second 200m. seconds! The men in the slightly more they have never seen before (which is quite in another. In the second division the boys were up, competitive S3 division also won, beating unnerving). Despite neither team going through to the racing at senior 3 level would be a hard task, their nearest rival by 12 seconds and coming The riders are allowed just seven minutes nationals, both teams should be very pleased but the hunger for the win was apparent right 2nd overall. Both crews received medals for to become familiar with their mounts before with their efforts. from the start. The newly formed Coxed their efforts,:another trophy for the USBC displaying the disciplines of dressage and Four went off hard, pulling away from the cabinet: not a bad start this year, one race, show-jumping. The jumping consists of an [email protected] boats behind them and striking a good rate two crews, two wins!