CONNECTION Air Force Families Forever Newsletter VOL. 1, ISSUE 1 For Air Force and Space Force Families Across the Department of the Air Force By listening to survivors, AF redefines long-term care INSIDE

by Danielle Dennis Air Force Families Forever Program Analyst families to discuss their experiences  AFFF support following the loss of their Airman. available worldwide Over the last 18 months, Air We asked difficult questions, Page 3 Force Families Forever, or AFFF, received candid feedback, and program analysts and the Air Force’s quickly realized that enduring Gold Star and Surviving Family survivor support was one part of a  Survivor Advocacy Member Representative worked larger continuum of care. Council meets together to create opportunities for To redefine long-term survivor Page 5 dialogue with survivors. With care, Air Force Families Forever incredible support from the Air analysts needed to strengthen their Force’s most senior leaders, our communication and collaboration  Gold Star son offices set forth on a mission to hear with Air Force mortuary affairs and reflects on life directly from the spouses, parents, casualty services -- the offices Page 6 siblings, and even children of our responsible for providing immediate deceased Airmen. survivor support. In November 2019,  Gone, but never The Survivor the Air Force officially stood up its Summit was held in Shalimar, forgotten Survivor Continuum of Care Working Page 9 Florida, on April 30, 2019. Surviving Group comprised of functional family members were invited to join experts from mortuary affairs, Air Force senior leaders; policy and casualty services, and the AFFF  Moving forward vs. functional experts from the survivor program. moving on community; and Airman and Family Functional experts quickly went to Page 10 Readiness Center, or A&FRC, personnel who work directly with See CARE on Page 2

Veterans Day Nov. 11

Honoring All Who Served Privilege, honor caring for our families by Holly Fisher my duty and obligation, not only as the program Air Force Families Forever representative representative, but as a citizen of this great country, to What an esteemed privilege and honor to care for the connect with the families of the fallen, to ensure their 24 engaged family members of Keesler Air Force Base’s needs are met, and represent them in a way the () Air Force Families Forever program. It brings memories of their loved ones are accurately depicted; and a bittersweet sense of pride to welcome the families of the essence of their character and spirit are reveled for all fallen heroes into our program. We are humbled and who look at their photo and read their biography. It is vital grateful by their presence, and yet the reasoning behind for others to gain a solid understanding for who our their evolved membership is disheartening. heroes truly are. Our service members raised their right hand to defend Survivors are grateful for the opportunity to remain the freedoms of our nation and paid the ultimate sacrifice. engaged with the Air Force -- the ability to cling to a Working with the families has brought a realization that defining component of their loved one. The primary freedom isn’t free, and the tangible magnitude of the request from families in the AFFF program is to keep the Airman’s Creed, ”I am an American Airman, Guardian of military connection. The children of our fallen lost in Freedom and Justice, My Nation’s Sword and Shield, its Vietnam, all echo similar stories. Not only did they feel a Sentry and Avenger. I defend my country with my Life.” loss with their loved one, but as they aged, they lost the My efforts in the AFFF program are two-fold: to care for the family and keep the spirit of our fallen alive. It is See PRIVILEGE on Page 3

CARE on active duty, or in an inactive duty next of kin regardless of their Airman’s continued from Page 1 for training or annual training status, circumstance of death. and whose relationship was Use of morale, welfare and work analyzing survivor feedback, established before the Airman’s recreation activities approved by the reviewing current processes, and death. installation commander (services may evaluating the individual and Expanded support includes vary by installation). Commanders are collective delivery of survivor support. lifelong support and outreach to encouraged to invite surviving family As the working group delved into surviving family members defined as members in installation activities such problem statements and possible next of kin: as air shows, luncheons, VIP visits solutions, AFFF policy and operations — Widow or widower (remarried or and holiday events. offices moved forward by not) In June, A&FRC officials began a implementing 2019 National Defense — Each parent (mother, father, marketing campaign to inform past Authorization Act legislation into Air stepmother, stepfather, mother and present Air Force survivors of Force guidance. through adoption, father through expanded support including eligibility In addition to legislative changes, adoption, foster parents who stood in to request installation access and survivor-driven feedback helped loco parentis) participate in commander-approved shape AFFF guidance as it stands — Each child (including step- morale, welfare and recreation today, expanding who is eligible for children, adopted) activities. Eligible survivors can services and how support is delivered — Each sibling (brother, sister, half contact their nearest A&FRC and by A&FRCs on active-duty -brother, half-sister and step- AFFF representative for more installations. siblings) information about expanded support. AFFF support is provided to family Installation access through For more information and to connect members of deceased regular and issuance of a Defense Biometric with the nearest representative, visit reserve component Airmen who died Identification System card to eligible the program’s webpage.

CONNECTION The Connection is an authorized electronic publication for Air Force Families Forever and the contents are not necessarily the official views of, or endorsed by, the U.S. Government, the Department of Defense, or the Department of the Air Force. The appearance or mention of commercial products or services is not meant to imply endorsement by the Departments of Defense or the Department of the Air Force. Comments, concerns or submissions should be emailed to [email protected], or call 866-299-0596. Visit the Air Force Families Forever webpage or Facebook page.

2 THE CONNECTION AFFF support is available worldwide

Air Force Families Forever is the Air Force’s long-term support program executed by the staff at 76 Airman and Family Readiness Centers, or A&FRCs, located on active -duty installations around the world. A&FRCs function as one-stop information and referral centers for active-duty, Guard, and Reserve service members, Department of Defense civilians, retirees and eligible family members. The goal is to enhance readiness, resilience and quality of life for Airmen, families and the community including family members of deceased active-duty Airmen. The Meadow of In addition to AFFF, the readiness center staff Memories Fallen members who serve as Community Readiness Heroes Trail was Consultants provide workshops, special events, and one- just one feature of on-one consultations in 12 other core service areas: Gold Star Families Remembrance  Air Force Aid Society Week in late  Air Force Warrior and Survivor Care September at  Casualty Assistance Keesler AFB in  Deployment Support Mississippi. (Photo by Holly Fisher)  Employment Assistance  Exceptional Family Member Program  Personal Financial Readiness Services representatives partner with DoD- and Air Force-  Personal and Work Life approved civilian and military agencies in support of  Relocation Assistance military survivors. Based on eligibility and individual  Survivor Benefits Plan preferences of the surviving family member, AFFF offers  Transition Assistance Program on-going assistance, support, or referral to help resolve  Volunteer Resources issues family members may have as it relates to the One of the major functions of A&FRCs is to death of an Airman. connect personnel and their families with appropriate Connect with your closest A&FRC to determine support services both on and off base. AFFF eligibility and make it part of your support network.

PRIVILEGE continued from Page 2

connection with the Air Force -- the maintaining the connection with the Visit the Air Force only life they knew. It has provided Air Force. After discussing the Families Forever an overwhelming sense of pride to program benefits with the father of a bring that connection back for them. newly fallen service member, I webpage for program Since inception of the AFFF began closing the conversation. He program, survivors share their cried and stated, “Please don’t information, services, gratitude for the privileges now forget about me.” In an instant my and a listing of all offered. The benefits offer families heart fell. reassurance that the liberties gained I was deeply moved, and my Airman & Family through the sacrifice of their loved reply was simple, yet spoken from Readiness Centers one brings an insurmountable my core, “I will never forget about privilege to be an American. you. A promise was made to you -- worldwide. A recent conversation with a you are now and forever part of our newly engaged AFFF member Air Force.” We are Air Force reiterated just how valuable the Families Forever! program is and the importance of THE CONNECTION 3 Grief sucks! Nothing pretty about it, there’s no way around it

by Lt. Col. Elisha Parkhill families has been one of my greatest Widow of Lt Col Travis Brownlow joys. Throughout this time, I have Grief sucks! There is no way poured my heart and soul into my Air around it, just through it, and at Force community, loving on those times it is not pretty. around me, building them up and As a nation, we do not typically providing a safe environment for talk about grief, and when we do it is them to grow. superficial. I get it; it can be daunting On Sept. 24, 2018, my world was to comprehend how much we have rocked. Suddenly I was not the lost and try to figure out how to keep caregiver, but I was the broken- it all together. For many, grief is hearted leaning on my Air Force unfamiliar, overwhelming and just community. That day, my sweet Lt. Col. Elisha Parkhill and the late Lt. plain uncomfortable. Now more than Travis died. The man that I waited Col. Travis Brownlow. (Courtesy ever our community must do more for, the man I dreamed of, the man I photo) for those grieving to truly help planned to spend the rest of my life alleviate the pain. Acknowledging with was gone. It was then that I to focus on the moment in front of grief sucks, and being able to speak developed a larger appreciation for me. I know it sounds silly, but there about it freely without judgement is those who trusted me as a caregiver, were days where getting out of bed crucial to the healing process. So, because asking for help is hard. I took all the energy I had. Prioritizing let’s talk about it. knew all the things to do, I mean I my focus on making sure I had pants I am a licensed clinical social have told them to hundreds of on became a grounding moment for worker and have been in the Air people over the years, but as I sat in me. Force for 15 years. These past 15 my grief, I was lost without a clear The power of a healthy and years, I have been a part of an understanding how I would move predictable routine were evident amazing professional community forward. providing me with a bit of control dedicated to healing those who walk Those months that followed I when I felt very out of control. through our doors. I have spent leaned heavily on family, friends and Focusing my efforts on the basic countless hours supporting broken colleagues to keep me busy and necessities of eating something hearts and anxious minds of those distracted. I realized quickly how every day, drinking water, moving wanting to do better for themselves. easy it is to fall into negative thought my body and practicing gratitude Sharing these intimate moments with and behavior patterns. The planner allowed me to move forward. my fellow military members and their in me had to be put aside and I had There are days that are harder than others and that is OK. There are days that grief is overwhelming and comes out of nowhere and that is OK. It is imperative that we acknowledge how we are feeling and Grief does not go away, but it eventually not compare our response to starts to look different. Even when it may someone else’s response to grief. appear to be ‘better,’ it does not mean we do Each of our journeys are unique to “ us. There are similarities, and it is not desperately miss our loved ones. through those similarities where we can connect and support one Lt. Col. Elisha Parkhill Air Force Families Forever widow another. We do not have to do this See GRIEF on Page 5 4 ” THE CONNECTION Air Force Survivor Advocacy Council meets by Randi Ramcharan to apply to serve on this new council. The day included an open Air Force Gold Star and Surviving Family After a thorough panel review and discussion led by the then Chief of Member Representative discussion, 13 survivors were Staff of the Air Force Gen. David On March 6, 2020, 13 Air Force selected from a pool of applicants to Goldfein and 11 other senior leaders survivors began a day of events in represent all Air Force survivors in who serve as members of the council. Washington, D.C., as representatives this new initiative. The goal was to Each survivor representative candidly on the inaugural Survivor Advocacy select survivors with diverse told their stories in hopes to improve Council. experiences to best represent the support to future families who will It all started in November 2019 voices and experiences of all our Air regrettably join their ranks. when Air Force survivors were asked Force survivors. This isn’t just about one day in March: Senior leaders were listening always be a part of my everyday and the stories told led to action-items GRIEF thoughts and language. Talking about where the Air Force can make lasting continued from Page 4 him helps so very much. It keeps him change. The survivor representatives present, allows me to continue to have the opportunity to provide alone. impact others through his amazing direction, and act as a sounding board As I write this I am approaching life, and is pivotal to my grief journey. for solutions. Each effort is being two years without my Travis. I have I will forever be in love with Travis tracked and worked. Some can be not moved on, but I am moving and I am so grateful for those in our resolved in the short-term and some forward. My sweet Travis is lives who continue to love him with will take a while, but they will constantly on my mind and will me. collectively move the council toward Grief does not go away, but it better support to families. eventually starts to look different. For the latest update on these Even when it may appear to be efforts, visit the Air Force Survivor “better,” it does not mean we do not Family Huddle from June 2020. desperately miss our loved ones. I The first group of survivor am sure that we all share a common representatives who will serve from fear that the world will forget our 2020-2022 include: Linda Ambard person. We as the Air Force Families widow of Maj. Philip Ambard, Kadena Air Base, Japan Forever community are charged with 1st Lt. Sherri Appleton widow of Staff Sgt. Shane Appleton, Davis-Monthan Air keeping the memory of our loved Force Base, Arizona ones going strong. I hope that we can Lt. Col. N’Keiba Estelle widow of Maj. Raymond Estelle II, MacDill AFB, Florida talk more about our grief journeys, Thad Forester talk more about our loved ones, and brother to Senior Airman Mark Forester, Maxwell AFB, continue to build a community where Alabama Rhonda Jimmerson we are supported and loved. sister of Maj. Troy Gilbert, Sheppard AFB, So let’s keep talking, even when it Tegan Marrs daughter of Tech. Sgt. Steve Johnson, Joint Base may be uncomfortable, because that Lewis-McChord, Washington is the part of how we heal, and when Colleen Shine daughter of Lt. Col. Anthony Shine, the Pentagon we grow. No one has it all figured out Thom DeWolf -- trust me I sure don’t. I am father of 2nd Lt. Paul DeWolf, Wright-Patterson AFB, committed to being grateful for Ohio Marie Campbell another day to make a difference widow of Staff Sgt. Millard “Dee” Campbell, the somehow, some way. I am here with Pentagon Jolie Vega you on this journey. mother of Senior Airman Jonathan Antoñio Vega Yelner, Travis AFB, California Staff Sgt. David Rhoton Lt. Col. Elisha Parkhill is the brother of 2nd Lt. Christopher Rhoton, Joint Base commander of the 82nd Operational Charleston, South Carolina Medical Readiness Squadron at Samantha Lewis widow of Staff Sgt. Jordan Lewis, Nellis Air Force The late Lt. Col. Travis Brownlow and his , Texas. Base, Nevada widow, Lt. Col. Elisha Parkhill. (Courtesy She is the widow of Lt. Col. Travis Tech. Sgt. Desaree Elledge photo) widow of Tech. Sgt. Justin Elledge, Fairchild AFB, Brownlow. Washington THE CONNECTION 5 Family Story: To understand where we are, it’s vital to look at how we got here by Tony Cordero Gold Star son

A few years ago, at the send-off party for “Run for the Wall” – the annual cross-country motorcycle ride leading up to Memorial Day – a Medal of Honor recipient from the noticed my lapel button and asked if I was a Gold Star father. I responded, “No, I’m a Gold Star son from the Vietnam War. I am what happens when Gold Star children grow up.” In June 1965, our family had just a month left before we could return to the for dad’s next assignment at Mather Air Force Base in California. Living just off Clark Air Base (the Philippines) at the time, mom was expecting baby No. 5: Jim. My older brother, Bill Jr., had just completed kindergarten. After Bill Jr., was Terri, me, then Dicky, and we all eagerly awaited baby Jim’s arrival. Dad’s first tour in Vietnam was from 1963-64 which he spent navigating B-26s with the legendary 1st Air Commando Squadron at Bien Hoa AB (Vietnam). Toward the end of his second tour, dad volunteered to serve as navigator for the 8th Tactical Bomb Squad’s Rolling Thunder I mission over the Ho Chi Minh Trail in North Vietnam. Operating with the call signal “Jade 22,” dad and his pilot, Charlie Lovelace, flew from Tan Son Nhut AB in Saigon to DaNang AB, and then joined another B-57 Gold Star son Tony Cordero holds a photo of his late father, (Jade 21) and a C-130 flareship bound for targets along Maj. William Cordero. (Courtesy photo) the Vietnam-Laos border. Then everything changed. There was no indication of where or why their B-57 was lost in the early hours of June 22, 1965, during that KIA. The contents in the box led the mortuary to conclude overnight strike mission. that dad and Charlie Lovelace were killed when their B-57 Despite her grief, unanswered questions and went down four years prior. While many questions pregnancy, mom summoned the strength of the Greek remained, all hope turned to grief. After being exposed to goddess of motherhood and protectress of young children, the brutal elements in the jungles of Southeast Asia for Leto, and moved her family 7,500 miles back home to four years, our family was asked to accept a pre-DNA California. Much of her Irish-Catholic family lived in the forensic conclusion that the box’s contents of “minimal Los Angeles area and immediately formed a close support remains” represented dad. network for us. On Jan. 3, 1966, Jim was born in the port Air Force Mortuary Affairs officials shielded our family town of San Pedro never knowing the father he so from the trauma of seeing the contents of the box, strongly resembles. For the next four years, our family knowing once such an image had been viewed, it cannot juggled both wonder and hope as dad and Charlie be unseen. That decision was emblematic of how young Lovelace were officially classified as “Missing in Action.” children need to be protected from certain harsh realities Were they shot down? Did a mechanical mishap bring when the tragedies of war impact a family. On May 1, them down? Where was the plane lost? Are they POWs, 1969, the contents of that mysterious box – representing or even alive? Majs. Charles K. Lovelace and William E. Cordero – were In March 1969, a small box of evidence mysteriously buried together in Section 46 of Arlington National arrived at the U.S. Army mortuary in Saigon, and we learned to re-associate ourselves with a new acronym: See FAMILY on Page 7 6 THE CONNECTION FAMILY Neither of us really knew others who upon seeing “The Wall” for the first continued from Page 6 lived this experience. Certainly, time, placed roses at the panels there had to be others like us. We bearing their fathers’ names. They Cemetery. Gold Star wife Kathleen had to fix this. deepened a common bond that was Cordero was barely 30, and her five Wanda and I pitched a story several decades in the making. young Gold Star children were then idea to a few journalists, and On Father’s Day 2005 at the ages 10, 9, 8, 6 and 3. Gold Star because the Vietnam War was still Vietnam Veterans Memorial, it was wife Patsy Lovelace was left to raise somewhat fresh in America’s mind at altogether fitting that a group of two young daughters, as well. that time, there was some interest. Vietnam combat veterans finally After WWI, WWII, Korea and Parade Magazine, Maria Shriver in presented Gold Star pins to more Vietnam, the surviving families of the her role on NBC “Sunday Today,” than 300 SDIT members. Though fallen often used home remedies to and one other syndicated columnist decades overdue, that moment was bandage their wounds of war. Very separately reported on the “common powerfully poignant. often, those remedies didn’t work, or bond” being forged by the now- SDIT repeated its Father’s Day masked a wound not fully healed. grown children whose dads were celebrations in 1993, 1997, 2000, For the vast majority, there was no killed or remained MIA in the 2005, 2010, 2015, and COVID-19 clinical protocol to address these Vietnam War. challenged us to create a virtual traumas. They did what survivors do America knew about Gold Star Father’s Day ceremony in 2020. – they pulled themselves up by the mothers and Gold Star wives. Those At the conclusion of the Father’s bootstraps, and persevered as best groups dated back to WWI and Day ceremony in 2000, I they knew how. WWII, respectively. But what about spontaneously remarked, “The these kids? This was an climate is right and the time has now Sons, Daughters In Touch unprecedented effort in our nation’s come for us to travel to Vietnam to history, and the media exposure see the places where our fathers In 1989, a realization hit me: on th worked. Though it was very fought and died.” my 30 birthday I will have outlived antiquated by today’s standards, my father. My curious nature those interested in joining us had to Journey to Vietnam prompted me to wonder, “Besides mail a letter expressing interest in my four siblings, were there others the movement. To our astonishment, After nearly three years of who lost their dads in the Vietnam more than 1,500 survivors wrote planning, 50 SDIT members made War?” those letters! the largest-ever Gold Star Family Without the conveniences of pilgrimage to Vietnam in March email, internet and cell phones, and The volunteer leaders of the fledgling group – at that time, the 20- 2003. Twenty Vietnam War combat avoiding costly long-distance phone veterans accompanied SDIT on the charges, the research process was plus children of American’s lost or missing as a result of the Vietnam 18-day journey of getting sons and poised to be a lengthy one. But I daughters to the places where each called a Vietnam veteran in War – agreed we should be known as “Sons and Daughters In Touch,” of their fathers were lost. Meticulous Sacramento known for his statewide planning called for our group to work on behalf of other veterans and or SDIT, which was a subtle admission we didn’t really know who break into small teams led by the lucked out! combat veterans, and travel to “Mike, my dad was killed in the we were. In 1990, had we known of our entitlement to the Gold Star pin, distant regions of Vietnam to visit Vietnam War and I’m told you may those personal “ground zero” sites. It have an answer to my question. Do the name of the organization would more clearly state who we are and was perfect planning and mission you know if there’s an organization accomplished. for others like me?” Mike Kelly our mission. replied, “If there was, I’d know about It was also decided that Father’s We didn’t know it then, but our it. You should call Wanda Ruffin in Day 1992 would be our first national journey was following the example of Washington, D.C. She lost her gathering at the Vietnam Veterans the Gold Star pilgrimages of the husband in Vietnam and has a Memorial in Washington, D.C. That early 1930s. In those days, American daughter about your age.” inaugural weekend of events drew Gold Star mothers sailed the Atlantic more than 400 sons and daughters to visit the grave sites of their sons y call to Wanda, who M to finally meet others who shared the who fell in . worked for a group supporting the same life story. They shared photos Vietnam Veterans Memorial, led to a and memories. They cried too many conversation with her daughter. tears. They laughed and hugged and See FAMILY on Page 8 THE CONNECTION 7 FAMILY continued from Page 7

Sons and Daughters In Touch is an all-volunteer organization sustained by members’ donations. It gained families and some are now grandparents. They have had official nonprofit status in 1993, and it is estimated that a variety of careers, operated their own businesses and 20,000 American children lost their fathers in the Vietnam some followed their dads’ footsteps and joined the War. To date, SDIT has connected with nearly 5,000 of military. Coincidentally, two of these Gold Star sons them and the search for others is ongoing. played together on the same Kansas City Chiefs teams in the 1990s, and one of them is now in the Pro Football Hall Gold Star Families older & younger of Fame. But there have been rough times too. Many of our Today, many SDIT members are willing to share their members struggled with relationships, addictions, life experiences with older and younger families who have turbulent finances, and poor life choices. The endured the loss of a loved one in military service. explanations for those challenges is likely a combination In 2005, a Gold Star daughter/SDIT member in Orange of societal influences and a lifetime of untreated PTSD. County, California, collaborated with a group of Vietnam Veterans and community members to launch an initiative Family conclusion benefitting younger, post-9/11 Gold Star children. That program came to be known as Snowball Express which is now operated by the Gary Sinise Foundation and benefits Today, our dad is considered likely to have been one thousands of children who have survived the loss of a of the first U.S .military officers of Hispanic origin lost in parent in military service. the Vietnam War. That says as much about society and SDIT members function as mentors sharing their life that era’s military culture as it does about Bill Cordero. experiences and guiding others during programs and Before that unwanted distinction, he triumphed over events provided by Tragedy Assistance Program for several obstacles: the financial constraints from his blue- Survivors. collar family; being the first in his family to attend and graduate from college; the 1950s and 1960s stereotypes A few years after the founding of SDIT, the Gold Star ascribed to Hispanics – in particular when he and his children of WWII formed a similar organization to unite Anglo wife moved to new communities for assignments at those who lost their fathers on the sands of Iwo Jima, the air bases in the South. cliffs of Normandy, and the many other fronts of that war. SDIT is proud to have a very close bond with the ad’s ultimate goal was to retire from the Air Force American WWII Orphans Network. D and return home to be the mayor of Santa Barbara. If that happened, his election would have brought the family full- Impact of SDIT circle. His ancestors arrived in Santa Barbara in 1769; and though his parents did not attend high school, he In one of his books, singer-songwriter-author Jimmy graduated from the ROTC program at Loyola University in Buffett wrote, “Survivors seem to thrive best when peril is Los Angeles; he washed out of flight school, but went on at hand.” In those darkest days, when we survivor families to navigate jets in the Vietnam War and receive the faced that “peril” knocking at the door, sheer human Distinguished Flying Cross for those heroics; and he instinct helped us survive, and along the way we clung would have returned home to lead the city he dearly tightly to something – sometimes anything – stable to help loved. But that story wasn’t meant to be. us “thrive” during the days and years ahead. In a 2015 article for Hispanic Heritage Month, af.mil Today, most would agree those of us who lost our remembered William E. Cordero and his roles as both an fathers in the Vietnam War endured a form of post- inspiration for the Hispanic community and the Air Force. traumatic stress disorder. A year later, during an impromptu personal meeting, then- Within SDIT, it is not surprising that these survivors Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Goldfein recited are a close representation of their fathers -- the excerpts of that article from his memory. Though they servicemen lost, or who are unaccounted for, as a result never met – I was humbled and honored that he knew of of the Vietnam War. They come from every state in the and appreciated my dad! country. They represent every ethnicity and socio- That experience -- an unscripted compliment from the economic condition. Today, these “children” are not far highest ranks of the Air Force -- was a message loud and from retirement! Along the way, many raised their own clear that we are an Air Force family forever! 8 THE CONNECTION Gone, but never forgotten by Tegan Marrs Surviving daughter

It’s been 18 years, but I can still remember the little details the day my family’s life changed forever: The sound of the men knocking on our glass door that early morning or the immediate pull to drink orange juice as if my body was preparing for the days to come, it’s something I will never forget. It was Aug. 7, 2002, and I was a 14-year-old starting my first year of high school when we were notified that my dad, Tech. Sgt. Steve Johnson, was killed in a plane crash along with the rest of the crew on board. He was an Air Force Special Operations Command flight engineer on the C-130, serving just over 20 years and looking forward to retirement that was at his fingertips. The first year was a fog and there’s a lot of details I don’t recall because I was so deep in grief, but I Tech. Sgt. Steve Johnson (Courtesy photo) did feel immense shock that my dad, 39 years young, would not be coming home or be present at the to know the ultimate sacrifice he with various military organizations. major milestones coming my way. made for this country. When the opportunity presented I never wanted my dad’s name to The immense void will always be itself to apply for the Air Force die in vain. I knew as a young adult there. As I move through life there Survivor Advocacy Council, I was that my journey for the rest of my life are major milestones I have gone eager to do so. I got the call that I would be to ensure he is never through without my dad, from was selected while out on a run and forgotten. The main source of graduating college to getting married felt my dad immediately afterward. remembrance in the beginning -- to having children. The last one This organization hears your and still today -- is running. Not only being one of the most difficult for my concerns from your past experience is it cathartic, but it has connected girls to not have their amazing as a survivor and how to help me to other military families who grandpa physically present to play improve processes for future went through the same thing. and watch them grow. This is the families who will unfortunately get Tragedy Assistance Program for fuel to my fire to ensure my girls that knock at their door. Survivors, or TAPS, and Wear Blue understand who their grandpa was My dad gave the ultimate have been instrumental in my and why he was such a great man. sacrifice for our freedom, but so did grieving process, and ensure not I have always looked for other many other brave men and women. only I, but those participating in each ways to ensure my dad is never May we never forget them and keep race, see my dad’s name and face forgotten by doing volunteer work their families in our hearts.

Caring for the Families of America’s Fallen Heroes Learn more at www.taps.org

THE CONNECTION 9 Moving forward vs. moving on in grief by Joanne Steen MS, NCC quicker than you could say “SGLI.” Grief, stress and resilience trainer We had another one of those talks about a year later, I was one of the lucky ones -- depending on how you one also initiated by Ken. I thought he was nuts to bring define luck. My late husband, U.S. Navy Lt. Ken Steen, up this life-and-death topic again, as we were in the and I talked about what he would want for me in life, if he middle of moving and baby planning. In hindsight, we had should die in the line of duty. just come home from my father’s funeral and I guess life, Just a few days after Ken and I were married, we had love, and death were still on his mind. And so, on an the “Page 2” talk, which in Navy-speak means updating unimportant Friday evening in June, in so many words, the service member’s personnel record for emergency Ken told me that if he were to die, he hoped I would make contact information, next of kin changes, death gratuity another life for myself and not spend the rest of it alone. I designee, and the like. It’s a sobering conversation and I liked it better when we talked about babies. recall that Ken, a naval aviator who flew helicopters out of Exactly two weeks later, Ken and his six-person crew, Naval Air Station Norfolk, told me it was just a necessary were killed when the helicopter he was piloting exploded paperwork drill. He assured me he was well-trained; in midair, just a stone’s throw from our new home and his confident he could handle any emergency in the cockpit, duty station. and safely get the aircraft back on deck -- I liked that type “You’ve got to move on with your life.” The first time I of confidence in my sailor. We put the topic behind us was told that I needed to move on with my life was at my late husband’s funeral. This tired, old cliché never fades away, for reasons I’ll never understand. But I do believe when it’s said -- however inappropriate and misinformed that may be -- it is intended to help ease grief. It didn’t work for me at this place and time.

Moving on

In the language of grief, there is no place for “moving on.” For those of us who have lost a loved one, moving on implies breaking the emotional, physical and spiritual ties to the one we loved. It conveys letting go. Leaving the past behind. Ending the bond of love. Forgetting about our loved one. Gold Star families do none of these things. And fortunately, none are a part of healthy grief.

Healthy grief

I use the term “healthy grief” to mean that it’s healthy - - and needed -- for surviving family members to do the work that grief demands. What is the work of grief? Usually called “grief work,” it’s a process of recognizing needs and taking actions that help you get through the worst of your pain, and begin to adjust to life without your loved one. In easy-to-understand terms, the needs and actions of working at grief usually include:  Face the reality that your loved one is dead and feel that pain in its many forms.  Accept that your earthly relationship with them has ended, replaced by one of memory or spirit.  Search for meaning in your loved one’s life and death, and, perhaps, in your own as well.

See MOVING on Page 11

10 THE CONNECTION MOVING continued from Page 10 completely heal from this life- in the way of managing your grief changing loss. It’s true you never now and in the years to follow. Some  Figure out the many sides of return to who you were before your bumps in the road are common to who you are now. loss, but healing doesn’t mean it’s all civilian and military losses alike,  Reinvest in living. or nothing. Healing comes in such as unpredictable bursts of grief, While your grief will never fully go degrees, and each instance of secondary losses, and other bad away, working at grief can lessen its healing makes you stronger than you news; other bumps in the road are intensity; make it manageable, and were before. more specific to Gold Star grief, such help to mend your body, mind and Try to look at healing as gaining as memorial overload, a personal spirit. the strength in body, mind and spirit loss entwined within a public loss, I struggled with these needs of to work through the toughest parts of national holidays, classified grief in the months and years your grief. And as you do this, grief information, and new or changing following my late husband’s death. It will lose its hold over you. It’ll details when after-action reports are was hard and exhausting work, but I become manageable. You’ll discover released. grew in ways I never thought more good qualities about yourself A substantial bump in the road possible. Did I wonder if the intense and start to enjoy things in life again. is the worldwide COVID-19 pain would ever go away? Yep. Did I And that’s all OK. pandemic. It has filled our daily lives try to understand myself better by with unconventional changes and learning everything I could about Signs you’re moving health-related uncertainties, and Gold Star grief? I sure did. Did I ask forward heaped upon us loads of anxiety, stress and feelings of loss. for help when I needed it? Yes. A number of complicating Moving forward has a ripple effect factors common to COVID-19 deaths in your life and often the progress Moving forward may be too familiar to Gold Star you make may be noticed by others families and trigger grief attacks. before you’re aware of it. I recall Moving forward does not mean These factors include the inability to asking another Gold Star survivor you’re leaving your loved one in the be with their loved ones in their final how I would know if I was moving past, because in moving forward, moments, or the fear that they died forward in grief. He replied that one you bring their love along as you alone; no chance to view the body day I would wake up and my late make your way in a world without and “see for themselves;” no control husband wouldn’t be in my first their physical presence. Simply said, over autopsy decisions or burial waking thoughts. I was appalled. But you don’t move forward without options, and a national identity it happened one day, without them; you move forward with the attached to the loss, such as “COVID warning or fanfare. And I didn’t strength of their love for you. -19 deaths” or “line-of-duty deaths.” realize its significance until long after In reflecting back on my late It would be normal to have strong the fact. That’s a peculiar thing about husband’s powerful conversation feelings in these circumstances. At moving forward -- usually you don’t just before his death, I came to times such as these, hold close the realize it until you look back and see understand that his message for me thought that families of the fallen are how far you’ve come. Here are a few was to live my life to the fullest. And strong, and Gold Star tough. ways you may have moved forward. like many survivors I’ve talked with over the years, in those fragile times Now is a good time to look back and early in grief I would ask, “What see your progress. When moving forward isn’t would Ken want for me?” But as I “moving forward” developed the courage to move Bumps in the road forward, the question evolved into, There may be a time when you’re “What do I want for myself?” Not Like most things in life, the path stuck in grief, and mending of your surprisingly, my hopes for the future forward is not without a few bumps body, mind and spirit isn’t moving aligned with Ken’s. along the way. They often come from forward. If you’re feeling stuck -- or if people, places, events, and the like, someone points it out -- then it’s Gaining strength and they can vary in length and probably time to do something about importance. it. The best way to get “unstuck” is I know some Gold Star family With a little knowledge with a little assistance. Seeking help members take exception to the term beforehand, you can be aware of isn’t a sign of failure. It’s an act of healing, as they feel they will never some of life’s obstacles that may get determination.

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