What the Stones Teach Us About Lasting Love

POV BLOGGER SPOTLIGHT WHAT THE STONES FOR HALF A century, the TEACH Rolling Stones have been pissing each other off. Not that this is unusual in a rock band—power trips and girlfriend stealing come US ABOUT with the territory. For the Stones, there’s been violence (Charlie Watts punched Mick Jagger for calling him “my drummer” ) and LASTING verbal slaps (Keith Richards and Watts referred to Jagger as “that bitch Brenda” in front of him). They regularly bedded each LOVE other’s lovers: Richards’ long- TOGETHER FOR 50 YEARS, THE ROLLING STONES term partner, Anita Pallenberg, HAVE ENDURED LONGER THAN MOST MARRIAGES. allegedly was afraid her second WHAT’S THEIR SECRET? by Ruth Blatt child was Mick’s (it wasn’t), and Richards had a payback dalliance with Jagger’s then girlfriend, Marianne Faithfull. (“While you’re missing it, I’m kissing it,” he revealed in his memoir, Life.) FAnd, like many front men, Jagger tried to turn his bandmates into his subordinates. Yet unlike most bands, the Roll- ing Stones are still at it and touring five decades in. What’s their secret? While we can’t know for sure what keeps the band together a!er so many years, recent research into relationships suggests that the simple answer may be commitment. “We’re a band, we know each other,” Richards noted in his memoir; when in crisis, they solve the problem, “because the Stones are bigger than any of us.” The possibility that the Rolling Stones sim- ARCHIVE/GETTYIMAGES NATKIN PAUL ply made the conscious choice to stay together—and then remade that choice every time their relationship was tested— makes them a case study in commitment for both social and working groups, as well as for couples. Commitment, it turns out, is more PT0913_Blogger_r1.indd 48 16/07/2013 2:15 PM important for relationship longevity than doing or saying the right things, according EACH to a study of two generations of marriages INDISCRETION in the Journal of Marriage and Family. The authors report that the most important MAY HAVE factor in predicting whether unions last BEEN AN is the degree of commitment to staying together—even more than the extent OPPORTUNITY of any fighting. This may help explain FOR THE BAND how the Stones, who do not exhibit exemplary relationship skills (“I gave TO REFLECT no reaction at all to Mick about Anita,” ON WHETHER wrote Richards), can be so resilient. Of course, money probably also plays THEY WERE a role in keeping the band together—the STILL Stones barely need to talk to each other to cash in with a concert—yet there’s reason COMMITTED. to believe it’s not the main thing. They likely make enough from their back cata- log to live comfortably for the rest of their lives. (Many less successful bands, such as The Smiths, have turned down large sums because they refused to share the coauthor Thomas Bradbury has said. In a stage again.) Neither is it likely that the “bank account” relationship, people are need to encounter their adoring crowds less willing to make sacrifices for the sake is what primarily motivates the band to of keeping the relationship going. They forgive and forget. The members of the may split as soon as a more appealing Stones have had relatively successful side alternative presents itself. and solo projects—the band is hardly their It seems very possible that the Stones’ only avenue for recognition. commitment guided the performers out The notion that the band might stay of the hurt they caused each other—and together because of money, applause, or it made their relationships stronger over status corresponds to what psychologists time, growing their capacity to withstand call a “bank account” approach to relation- setbacks. Rather than becoming a source ships: People remain in a couple because of resentment that eventually built up they feel that they get more out of being to a band-destroying crescendo, for the in it than by opting out. They keep track Stones, each indiscretion may have been and keep score: Am I getting my benefits? an opportunity to reflect on whether they Are they worth putting up with things I were still committed and to decide in the don’t like? If yes, they stay. If no, they split. a"rmative. Seems logical, but this approach does “We’d been together 25 years or so not bode well for relationship resilience, before the shit really hit the fan,” wrote according to a recent Journal of Personality Richards about a crisis with Jagger in the and Social Psychology study. Researchers 1980s, “so the view was, this was bound followed 172 couples for the first 11 years to happen. Now’s the test. Does it hold of marriage and found it takes a deep level together?” It appears that the musicians of commitment to hold a couple together. accepted that vulnerability to pain is part “When people are in it for the long term, of the deal, and let it go. As Jagger once they are o!en willing to make sacrifices noted about the hurt between Richards and view themselves as a team,” study and him, “Time, I reckon, to move on.” PT0913_Blogger_r2.indd 49 7/30/13 6:44 PM.

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