Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer

Home , Nanny

A Practical Guide for Finding and Achieving

the Gold Standard of Care for Your Child

By Tammy Gold, LCSW, MSW, LSW, CEC

Table of Contents

Introduction: How I Became The Nanny Whisperer

Part 1: Nanny Whisperer 101

1. Secrets Of A Successful Match: Achieving The Gold Standard Of Care

2. Nannyology: Understanding Nannies and How they Work

Part 2: The Gold Standard Hiring Process

3. Who Are You? Doing a Family Needs Assessment

4. Basic Screening: Finding Candidates who Meet Your Requirements

5. Reference Checks: Can this Nanny do Your Job?

6. Interviews: Meet the Candidates and Ask them to Match Your Story

7. Trials: Observe Your Top Candidates in Action

Part 3: Working Together as Your Children Grow

8. The Magic of Training: How to Create a Gold Standard Nanny

9. How to Speak Nanny: Communicating to Bring out the Best in Your Child’s Caregiver

10. Troubleshooting: Nanny Whisperer Strategies for Fixing Common Problems

11. “I Love Her, But…”: Moms, Nannies, and the World’s Most Complex Emotional Bond

12. When it’s Not Working: How to Let a Nanny Go

Appendix: Family Needs Assessment Form

Part 1: Nanny Whisperer 101

Introduction

Welcome to Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer! My name is Tammy Gold, and today is the day that finding the perfect nanny for your family just got easier. Whether you’re a first-time parent or a mother of five, whether you work seventy hours a week or twenty, hiring someone to help you care for your most precious possession—your child—can be an incredibly daunting task. The good news is that it no longer has to be. You’ve picked up this book, and I’m here to help.

As the founder of my own business, Gold Parent Coaching, and a working mother of three, I am intimately familiar with the issues surrounding childcare because I have experienced them first-hand. While my company offers support and advice for parents on all aspects of raising children, my friends call me the “Nanny Whisperer” because I specialize in what I call

Nanny-Family Matching—that is, the art (and science!) of finding amazing nannies and matching them with their perfect family. As a working parent, I know just how crucial it is to have someone you trust who can love and nurture your child while you are gone, and as a mom, I understand that it’s not always easy to share the responsibilities of “mothering” with someone else. But I also know from my own experience that a good nanny is one of the greatest gifts that you can ever give to your child. When a nanny situation truly works, it not only makes for a happier child, but also happier parents and stronger marriages. You owe it to yourself and your entire family to set the bar high—and that’s what this book is about.

These days, finding the right person (or persons) to fill your shoes when you are not there, has become every bit as essential as potty-training and teaching the ABCs. Whether you are East Coast or West Coast, urban or suburban, chances are that the majority of the parents that you know rely on some form of regular childcare. There are more families with two working

4 parents today than ever before, and even Moms and Dads who chose to be at home or at home part-time often require an extra set of hands to keep up with the pace and demands of modern parenthood. In fact, statistics show that 50% of all U.S. children are in some type of formal childcare arrangement by the time they are nine months old.

Yet while there are hundreds of resources available to tell you how to puree your own organic baby food or sleep train your toddler, there are almost none that teach moms and dads the right way to go about finding a nanny, or how to work with your nanny effectively. Many of my clients come to me as first-time parents because they are completely daunted by the nanny- search process—where to find a nanny, what to expect, and how much to pay—but I also get clients who, despite the best of intentions, have been through five nannies in five years and have no idea what they’re doing wrong. Most parents rely on advice from friends when conducting their search, but without a proven system or strategy to guide them, they end up making mistakes that set the stage for future problems: they prioritize the wrong qualifications, ask the wrong questions, and fail to zero in on what they, as a family, truly need. It doesn’t help that the nanny world is like the Wild West, completely unregulated and often under-the-table; there are no rules, there is no standardized training or hiring protocol, and there is no board or government agency to provide professional oversight. Anyone can advertise themselves as a nanny, and yet I have found that many parents do more due diligence when buying a car than they do when hiring their child’s caregiver.

Unfortunately, the stakes are higher than they realize. Science tells us that 90% of the human brain develops by age three, so any person who cares for your child during these formative years—be it a nanny, a babysitter, or a daycare worker—will without question shape your child’s personality. Young children, especially infants and toddlers, learn from their

5 caregivers every minute of every day, which means that everything about your nanny—her demeanor, her physicality, and whether or not she will actively teach and engage your child— will have a direct impact on his or her social, emotional, and intellectual development. If the chemistry between the nanny and child isn’t right, if the nanny is bored or checked out, if there is high-nanny turnover, or if the nanny-parent relationship is strained, there can be real and lasting consequences for the child. Especially during the early years, the difference between an exceptional caregiver and a mediocre one can be enormous.

That’s why I wrote this book. After years of working with families and their nannies, I have created what I call the “Gold Standard” Process so that parents everywhere can finally have a sure-fire prescription for finding their perfect nanny and making a lasting match that will help their child thrive. No matter who you are, where you live, or what kind of nanny you’re looking for, this book gives you everything you need to achieve the Gold Standard of childcare: a loving, energetic, totally devoted caregiver who is ideally matched—both personally and professionally—to meet your unique needs and those of your child. My hiring process will allow you to take control, avoid mistakes, and hire the right person. And if you already employ a nanny and it isn’t perfect, the strategies in this book—based on my background in psychotherapy as well as my experience doing Nanny-Family mediation—can help you bring out the best in your child’s caregiver and achieve a whole new level success.

HOW I BECAME THE NANNY WHISPERER

In many ways, my life has always been about helping parents and their children. After college, I received my Masters in Social Work from Columbia University and began working as a therapist for at-risk children in a New Jersey school. It was while working with these kids—many of

6 whom suffered from neglect and abuse—that I witnessed first-hand the affects that poor caregiving could have on a child, and the critical link between healthy, effective parenting and a child’s social, emotional, and intellectual development. I also realized that it was incredibly hard to undo many years of bad parenting, and that mistakes that had been made with these children could not be easily fixed. The sub-par mothers, grandparents, cousins, and foster families who had taken turns caring for these children had, unhappily, shaped the people they would become.

As a student at Columbia, I had been very interested in Attachment Theory, which is the science of how early caregiving influences a child’s life. First developed by the British psychiatrist John Bowlby, Attachment Theory asserts that for an infant’s social and emotional development to occur normally, the child needs to form a close, trusting relationship with at least one primary caregiver during infancy and the earliest years of life. Other well-known theorists such as Mary Ainsworth and Erik Erickson confirmed Bowlby’s research with a number of landmark studies that showed conclusively that the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers have a tremendous impact. A mother who is available and responsive to an infant’s needs establishes a sense of security, and creates what calls what Ainsworth called a “secure base” for the child to then explore the world. Erikson argued that a child’s entire identity is shaped by an early sense of “trust vs. mistrust,” depending on whether his caregivers reliably respond to his needs, and provide constant care and affection. In short, infants and very young children need to establish strong relationships with loving, devoted caregivers in order to grow up to be emotionally healthy, happy, stable adults.

It was also around this time that I gave birth to our first daughter, Braydin. After years of dreaming about having my own children, motherhood didn’t turn out to be as easy or straightforward as I’d expected. Braydin was extremely colicky, so instead of sharing all of these

7 beautiful “Pampers” moments with my new baby, she cried constantly and I was wreck. The pediatrician had no answers, and I just kept thinking to myself, “How is it possible that I had no preparation for this?” I was exhausted and overwhelmed, and worst of all, I felt like I was failing as a parent. Here I was, a childhood therapist, and I had no idea how to help my own child!

Eventually, through my own research, I figured out that Braydin had reflux, and once I switched her to a hypo-allergenic formula, she was a new baby. But the experience made me realize that all parents occasionally need help to be the best caregivers they can be—even those, like myself, who have experience with children. When my maternity leave ended, I decided to start my own business devoted to giving moms and dads the support and tools they need to be better parents, particularly in the early, developmentally crucial years of a child’s life. Because I had studied Attachment Theory and child development, I knew that there was, in fact, an essential formula for raising happy, well-adjusted children. I wanted to share this information with other parents, so I started taking on clients and the business grew.

But then something unexpected started to happen. I was working from home and had hired a nanny, Maria, to care for Braydin while I was with my clients. After those first rough months with a colicky baby, Maria was a godsend. She was warm and lively and full of energy, always willing to jump in and do whatever was needed. She was fantastic with Braydin, always singing and playing and loving, and she was a huge support for me as well while I learned to juggle motherhood and my career. Even my friends noticed that Maria was providing our family with a whole different level of childcare, and they started asking me, “How did you find your nanny? I’ve never seen a nanny like that before.” Or saying, “I wish I had a relationship with my nanny like the one you have with Maria,” because they saw that there was no tension or drama.

Before long, they approached me to ask for help, saying, “I know this isn’t exactly what you do,

8 but what we really need more than anything is a good nanny. Can you help us find someone like

Maria?”

So I started helping my friends find their nannies, and I quickly learned that I approached the nanny-search process very differently from other parents. Most of them treated it like hiring a babysitter, and if the nanny could answer basic questions and had good references, they made an offer. But when I had hired Maria, I had instinctively employed all my skills as a social worker and therapist—that is, the ability to read people and assess their character and personality, as well as perform a candid self-assessment—to help me figure out the right fit for our family. I had used my knowledge of child development theory to think about what Braydin needed most at the time, and when I met with nanny candidates, my therapist training allowed me to pick up on subtle cues and spot red flags that most people didn’t see. I also realized that my relationship with Maria had directly benefited from my experience doing counseling and couple’s therapy; by using proper communication techniques, I had been able to foster an extremely positive working relationship between us while at the same time motivating her to perform at a high level. Soon, in addition to helping my friends find great caregivers, I was being invited into their homes to help them communicate more effectively with their nannies and mend broken nanny-family relationships. I found myself on the front-lines of the nanny-parent experience, gaining unique insights and information, and learning how to make the relationship work for both parties at every stage.

I also realized that the best childcare situations were defined by what I call “Constancy of

Care”—that is, a marked continuity in terms of quality and style of care across all caregivers who are responsible for the child: mother, father, and nanny, as well as any babysitters or daycare workers. If the nanny was able to mirror the parents in terms of attentiveness and

9 parenting approach, the child was always calm and happy, even when the parents left, because he never experienced a drop in the level of care or affection. By finding a nanny who was able to parent “like mom,” or teaching the current nanny to mimic the parents’ caregiving style, mothers and fathers could be apart from their children while still creating the stability and close, consistent emotional bonds promoted by Attachment Theory. Helping parents to achieve their own particular version of Constancy of Care, both during and after the hiring process, became a key part of my Gold Standard approach.

As time went on, and the word of mouth spread, my friends started calling me the

“Nanny Whisperer,” and I decided to offer Nanny-Family Matching and Mediation as official services through my business. My first paying client was a new mom, Julie, who worked in

Manhattan and was about to leave her six-week old daughter to go back to work. And it was through helping her that I truly understood just how life-changing these services could be. Here was this new mother, so vulnerable and overwhelmed and terrified of leaving her child. But when we found her a wonderful caregiver, it made all the difference. She felt so much better about herself as a mom, and about the life choices she had made, because she was confident that her daughter would be getting the very best possible care while she was gone.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

Whether you are about to hire a nanny for the very first time, or you currently employ a nanny, this book can help you improve your experience and achieve the Gold Standard of care for your child. Part 1 introduces you to my unique way of thinking about nannies and childcare, so that you can truly understand what a nanny is and does, and what you should expect from the relationship. It also explores the common myths and misperceptions about nannies that create

10 problems between parents and their child’s caregiver. Part 2 presents my Gold Standard hiring process, which is designed to help you find your ideal nanny and includes my one-of-a-kind

Family Needs Assessment as well as breakthrough approaches to screening, reference checks, interviews, and doing in-home trials.

Part 3 is all about managing the relationship with your nanny, and resolving any issues or conflicts that may arise. If you already have a nanny but aren’t completely satisfied, and aren’t sure whether you should stick with your current caregiver or start fresh, Part 3 is designed to help you bring out the best in your nanny, and know which issues are fixable and which are a sign that it’s time to move on. Every child deserves the Gold Standard of care, and you have everything you need in these pages to achieve that exceptional standard of care in your own home.

In the years since I became the Nanny Whisperer, I have learned that what I do to help families is special and incredibly important. When I place a great nanny or mend an existing nanny-parent relationship, something magical happens because I’ve helped so many people. I’ve helped the mom be a better mother because she now has a true partner—she can be “on” with her children and then go pursue her career, or go recharge at the gym or have coffee with friends. I’ve helped the dad because he can pursue his job with peace of mind, and I’ve helped their marriage by giving them both more time and energy to devote to each other. And I’ve helped the children the most because they’re being cared for not just by two but three loving adults—and everyone’s happy! Happy parents and a happy caregiver make for a double-happy child.

So how do we get you and your family to this happy place? Let’s begin by looking at the job of a nanny itself, and learning more about exactly what a nanny can give to your children, and to you.

1. Is a Nanny Right for You?

Childcare Options and What Best Suits Your Needs

When I was on my first maternity leave with my daughter Braydin, I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going back to work. There were plenty of days when, after being up all night with a colicky infant, I couldn’t wait to escape and get back to the relative calm and predictability of my previous job. But after the colic subsided and I finally began to experience those wondrous newborn moments, I didn’t know how I could possibly leave her. How could I ever find someone to care for Braydin who would give her as much love and attention as I would? How could I find a substitute for me?

Finding that person, or persons, is never an easy task. The good news is that, even though the United States still has a ways to go in making affordable, quality childcare available to all parents, we are extremely lucky to have far more options today than we did a generation ago. All of these options--including nannies, au pairs, and daycare centers--can be excellent if you know what to look for, and parents often mix and match depending on their budget and circumstances. This chapter is designed to give you an overview of the different types of care available to you, along with a candid assessment of each.

Whenever I begin working with a family, I always ask them, “What are you looking for that only a nanny can provide?” Now is the time to really consider this question, and to think about what you envision and what you can afford. I’ve had many clients who come to me thinking they need a full-time nanny, but end up happily doing a nanny-share or combining a part-time nanny with daycare because it’s more affordable. So even if you think that you are

12 absolutely sure that you want a nanny, it’s smart to be informed about all the different choices so that you can construct the very best scenario for your family.

NANNIES

Average Salary: $400-600+ a week (Live In)/$600-$800+ a week (Live Out)

Average Annual Cost: $26,000 (Live In) or $36,400 (Live Out)

A nanny is someone who cares for a child or children in a home on a regular basis during the parents’ absence. Nannies are usually responsible for everything to do with the care of the child, including feeding, bathing, sleep scheduling, laundry, and tidying up the child’s room or play areas. Nannies may also have additional responsibilities that help the family, such as errands, grocery shopping, cooking for the children, caring for pets, and light housekeeping. A full-time nanny will typically work 40 to 60 hours a week, and part-time nanny may work anywhere from

15 to 35. Nannies may also be “Live In” or “Live Out”: A Live-In nanny stays overnight with the family for some portion of the week, while a Live-Out nanny commutes to work each day and returns to her own home each night.

The biggest advantage to having a nanny is that your child will be cared for by a single, attentive caregiver in the familiar surroundings of your home. Aside from having a family member to care for your child, a nanny most closely approximates a parent, and depending on your situation, she may do everything that a parent does—from helping with homework to settling sibling disputes—when you’re not there. A nanny also gives parents maximum flexibility: You get to decide what hours and duties you need, and then hire someone who fits the bill. Many nannies will even work extra weekend hours, or travel with you on family vacations.

The consistency and stability that a good nanny provides is ideal for young children, especially

13 babies and toddlers, and in the best scenarios, the nanny becomes a member of your family who loves your children as if they were her own.

The downside is that nannies are by far the most expensive form of childcare. The average rate is $15 per hour, or $700 a week, depending on where you live, and the price goes up with each additional child. Like most employees, nannies expect a modest annual raise (fifty cents an hour or $25 a week) along with paid vacation days, sick days, personal days, and holidays. It is also considered good practice to give your nanny a bonus at the end of the calendar year (typically 1-2 weeks’ salary), or on her yearly anniversary with you. Some families give their nannies other perks, such as health insurance or transportation costs, and a nanny may try to negotiate for these when you make an offer. When you decide to hire a nanny, you need to be aware that the costs will almost certainly extend beyond the base salary.

The other factor to consider is that the nanny-parent relationship, while it can be rewarding in many ways, is utterly unique and not always easy. Even if you and your children adore your nanny, it can be strange to have another adult in your house so many hours a week, and even stranger to hear that adult express authoritative opinions about your children and what they need. Most parents, even those who really like or even love their nannies, have a certain amount of ambivalence about the relationship, and it can be challenging to constantly walk the line between personal and professional, and family member and employee. Negotiating that line comes with the territory, and when you hire a nanny, you will need to devote time and energy to the relationship.

Whether or not a nanny works for your family also depends very much on the person you hire. There are plenty of lousy nannies out there, and if a nanny isn’t good, it doesn’t matter if she’s giving you flexibility or providing one-on-one care for your child. If you choose to hire a

14 nanny, you need to commit to taking the time to find someone wonderful and to paying an appropriate salary. If that is not possible, then the structure and safety of daycare or preschool may be a better option.

Pros: One-on-one care and attention for your child

Close, affectionate bond between your child and the nanny

Schedules and routines can be tailored to your child’s needs

Flexible hours that match your schedule

Additional support (such as household help) for you as a parent

Cons: Most expensive form of childcare

Someone else living/working in your personal space

Nanny Shares

A Nanny Share is when two families share the hours and cost of a single nanny. If your budget is tight, a Nanny Share can be a great way to cut costs while still enjoying the advantages of a single, dedicated caregiver—but it requires some flexibility.

There are two ways to do a Nanny Share. In the first, Split Time, the two families take the week and split it in half according to their needs. One family might take Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, while the other takes Thursday and Friday. Or they may alternate days, or split the days into mornings and afternoons. You can divide up the days any way you want and the nanny usually won’t mind, as long as the homes are a reasonable distance from one another.

Most nannies need a full-time job, so this is a great way for parents who work part-time or moms at home to get reliable coverage when they need it without paying a full salary. You can also pair

15 this kind of nanny share with daycare or school, so that your child gets some group care, but also receives one-on-one attention from a familiar caregiver for some portion of the week.

The second way, Shared Time, is to have the nanny watch your child and a child from another family at the same time. This type of Nanny Share can work well if the children are roughly the same age, the nanny has experience handling multiple children, and the families are very aligned on what they want. You will need to decide together whose home the nanny and children are going to be in, and how you want the nanny to structure the day. In the best case scenario, your child has a full-time playmate as well as the attention of a loving caregiver five days a week. Shared-Time is far less successful, however, if the children are too far apart in age.

If you have a baby and a toddler, and the baby needs to sleep and get her bottle but the toddler needs to be outside running and doing lots of things, someone is going to be losing out. I always tell parents that if you do Shared Time, the children should ideally be only a month or two apart.

Otherwise, they can be so different developmentally that the nanny may be unable to meet both their needs.

The other downside to both the Split Time and the Shared Time arrangements is that unless both sets of parents are extremely honest and reliable, Nanny Shares can get complicated.

When you do a Nanny Share, you have to constantly be thinking not only about your child’s and the nanny’s needs, but about how this is working for the other family. You have to be extremely considerate and aware, and realize that the other parents needs their nanny hours as much as you do, and that you have a responsibility to each other to stick to schedules and keep things running smoothly.

Pros: Less expensive because you are sharing the cost with another family

You can have a nanny even if you only need part-time help

Cons: Your child may be more exposed to illness

Working around another family’s schedule

AU PAIRS

Average Stipend: $195 a week, plus agency registration fee (can be up to $7,000)

Average Annual Cost: $19,700

An Au Pair is a young woman from another country, usually in her late teens or early twenties, who travels to the United States to live with a host family and care for their children while going to school and learning about life in America. Au Pairs are less expensive than traditional nannies because they are always Live-In; payment comes in the form of room and board and a small allowance, which can be as little as $125 a week. Au Pairs are found and hired through Au Pair agencies that handle the logistics of employing someone from overseas. They typically stay for only one year, and are intended to be embraced as one of the family rather than seen as domestic help. Under the right circumstances, Au Pairs can be a wonderful way for children to connect with someone from a different culture and learn about life outside the U.S.

That said, Au Pairs are not for every family. Because they are younger, they tend to do best with caring for older children rather than babies or toddlers. In fact, most agencies don’t allow Au Pairs to care for babies less than 6 months old. Most can’t work more than 30 hours a week because they also need to go to school, so they are best used for a few hours of coverage here and there, before and after school, and on weekends. If you need 7 to 7 coverage during the week, an Au Pair alone is not the solution. Furthermore, since they only stay for a year, the job is high-turnover by nature, which is never ideal for young children. Older children (ages 8 and up) can understand that the Au Pair is only coming for a year. But if a younger child bonds with

Greta, and then with Marie-Claire, and then with Annika, and they all keep leaving, it can be very upsetting and confusing for them. You also want to think about how you will potentially feel about having a teenager or twentysomething living under your roof. If you are used to the routines and predictable hours of a five year old and a toddler, adding a teenager who wants to go out on the weekends or have friends over will certainly alter the dynamics.

The best way to have success when hiring an Au Pair is to be very clear about who you’re getting. You can do some of the same steps from the Gold Standard hiring process that you would do in a nanny search: you can’t meet them face-to-face, but you can interview them using

Skype and check their references, either via Skype or email. I always tell my clients to try to find someone who is older or who has traveled before, because a younger Au Pair who has never been abroad can easily experience culture shock and may decide to go home after only two months. Know your rules and expectations and be clear about them up front, so that when the Au

Pair arrives she is prepared for the realities of your job.

Pros: Less expensive than a nanny

Ideal if you want live-in, part-time care

Great for older children who prefer more youthful nannies and babysitters

Exposure to a different language and culture

Cons: Having a teenager or young adult living in your house

Fewer, less flexible hours

Can’t work with infants

Only lasts one year

BABYSITTERS

Average Salary: $8 to $15 per hour

Annual Cost: Varies depending on number of hours

A babysitter is someone who looks after your children for a few hours on occasion on an as- needed basis. Many parents blur the line between babysitters and nannies, but in reality they are two distinct jobs that require very different skills. A babysitter is literally someone who sits with the child and keeps an eye on them until the parents come home. They may play with the kids, and they will know how to keep them safe, but they are not professional caregivers and they have a short-term focus. They don’t perform additional duties such as cooking or cleaning, or think about the larger household; they are focused solely what to do with the kids for the few hours that they are there, and it’s a much more casual relationship.

Parents who need part-time help are often torn between hiring a babysitter or a nanny.

I always tell them that the more regular the hours, and the more duties and autonomy you want the caregiver to have, the more you are leaning toward a nanny. When you hire a babysitter, they may or may not come with childcare skills, and you will need to direct them and tell them exactly what to do for the hours that you’re gone: “Do this art project with Emma, please give her bath, and here’s her dinner, you just have to heat it up.” But while a nanny will require some training at the beginning, she will ultimately be able to take charge in a way that most babysitters will not. Nannies also think longer-term: they will think about how to start good rituals with your child, how to keep them on a schedule, and how to keep the whole household running smoothly.

A babysitter probably won’t think about calming your child down so he can eat a good dinner and get a good night’s sleep; but a nanny will because a) that’s her job, and b) she doesn’t want to come back tomorrow and have a child on her hands who has been up all night and is miserable.

When you hire a babysitter, even though the arrangement is more casual, you want to do as much due diligence as you would when hiring any other caregiver. All of the steps in my Gold

Standard hiring process can and should be applied to sitters, even the trials.

Pros: Hired as needed, so no continual outgoing cost

Flexible hours

Cons: May be inexperienced in caring for very young children

Will need direction

Only focused on the few hours that they are there

May be hard to book on short notice

DAYCARE

I have a number of clients who are full-time working parents and come to me because they want quality childcare, but simply cannot afford a nanny. For these families, daycare is the logical choice, because it provides full-day coverage at a much lower cost. Instead of paying a nanny

$700 a week, you can pay $700 a month and not have to worry about taxes, bonuses, raises, and your nanny being late for work. Daycare centers are usually open 52 weeks a year, so provided your child is healthy and able to attend, you will always have care on the days that you need it.

The biggest advantage of daycare, other than the cost, is the socialization that happens as the child gets older. Many daycare centers also offer additional enrichment activities every week—such as music class or creative movement—to keep the kids entertained. The downside is the child-to-caregiver ratio, which for ages newborn to 18 months can be as high as 4:1 depending on state laws. If your four-month-old is crying and needs to be picked up, but the only caregiver is busy feeding another child, your child won’t be getting what he needs. It can be

20 especially tough for infants, who can’t self-soothe and are in the developmental stage of

“building trust,” to get what they need in a daycare situation. For older children, however, daycare may actually be a better choice if your child really enjoys being with his peers and requires a greater variety of activities and stimulation than he would get from a single-caregiver all day long.

Daycare centers are as varied as the people who run them, so you will need to do your research to find the one that’s right for you. There are three main types—Commercial, In-Home, and Center-Based—and each will have its pluses and minuses depending on your situation and needs. Visit as many as you can, and start early, even during your pregnancy if you are able.

Parents who wait too long to start their search often discover that the center they like best is already too full to admit their child, and has a lengthy wait list as well.

Commercial Daycare

Average Cost: $680 a month

Average Annual Cost: $8160

Commercial daycare centers --what parents usually think of when they think of “daycare”— provide up to full-day care for groups of children of all ages by a staff of caregivers in a school- like atmosphere. Commercial daycares must be registered by the state, and will have regular inspections and controls on child-to-caregiver ratios (usually 3:1 for babies and 4:1 for toddlers).

Most centers offer convenient hours, opening as early as 6:30 a.m. and closing as late as 7 p.m.

How much you pay will depend on where you live: The annual cost of full-time center care for one child ranges from $4,500 in Mississippi to $18,700 in Massachusetts.

Commercial daycare centers have established routines, including playtime, educational activities, and rest periods, and they are usually well-stocked with toys and play equipment. Your child will make friends and be able to practice skills like being patient and taking turns, and transitions like bottle-weaning and potty-training may be easier because he or she will learn by watching peers. The downside is that there is less individualized attention for your child, and you will have a limited ability to change the center’s rules or routines and tailor them to your child’s needs. The center will most likely dictate when and how long your child naps, when he can have a pacifier, and how frequently he gets his diaper changed. On the plus side, there will always be multiple adults watching to make sure that nobody neglects or abuses your child.

Pros: More affordable than a nanny

Open 52 weeks a year

Hours designed for working parents

Social and educational opportunities for your child

Cons: Less individualized care and attention

Can be difficult to find infant daycare (many commercial centers start at age 6 months)

More exposure to sickness

Set practices and routines that may not match your child’s needs

[Story Box]

“My husband and I both work full-time, and we could have afforded a nanny, but we ended up choosing daycare because it made us feel more comfortable. With a nanny, I felt like someone else was going to be in my house, living my life. Daycare just seemed like school, and it was easier for me to understand.”—Diana, Summit, New Jersey

[End Story Box]

In-Home Daycare

Average Cost: $525 a month

Average Annual Cost: $6300

In-Home daycare refers to full-time childcare run out of a person’s home rather than a traditional daycare center. They are usually run by women who are, or were, mothers themselves, and they are designed to mimic the experience of having a grandmother or other relative caring for your child in her house.

In addition to a softer, more intimate environment, the biggest advantage of In-Home daycare is that you get a smaller group of children. The typical child-caregiver ratio is 6:1, but only two of those children are allowed to be under the age of 2. This means that if you have an infant, there will, at most, be one other baby competing for the caregiver’s attention—a major plus. And if your child is the only baby in the group, chances are that he will be picked up whenever he cries and held all day long while the older children play and do activities. A smaller, mixed-age group also lends itself to more flexibility in terms of meals and napping, as well as more individualized attention and less sickness. The downside is that, with such a small group, you won’t necessarily have other children the same age as your child, or get structured, age-appropriate play. If you have an eight-month-old, a twenty-month-old, two three-year-olds, and a four-year-old in the group, they are all going to want to be doing different things, and when

Grandma Betty sits down to read a story, it may not be the best, developmentally appropriate story for every child.

In-home daycare can be a good option for parents who have trouble meeting the demands of commercial daycare when it comes to drop-off and pick-up times. If you need to leave for

23 work at 7:30 but the daycare doesn’t open until 8, you will need to hire a nanny or a sitter to drop your child off after you leave. But when your daycare provider works from home, assuming that you pay for the overtime, she’s probably going to be okay with the earlier drop-off or occasional longer afternoon.

When choosing In-home care, you need to be aware that the licensing is not as stringent and the quality can vary greatly, because it’s all dependent on that one woman: Grandma Betty.

Unless the provider is someone you’ve known personally for a long time, you’ll want to check as many references as possible.

Pros: Smaller group of children, potential for more individualized attention

Flexible hours

Child is cared for in a “family,” home-like environment

Cons: Children are not grouped with peers

May have less structure and fewer educational activities

Fewer other adults to keep an eye on the caregiver

Center-Based Programs

Average Cost: $535 a month

Average Annual Cost: $6420

Center-Based Programs—also known as Nursery Schools, Preschools or Child Development

Centers—are licensed and regulated just like commercial daycares, but they are geared toward children over the age of two and tend to have a more academic focus. Each program will differ in terms of its educational philosophy (examples: play-based, Montessori, Reggio-Emilia), and activities. Instead of childcare professionals, you will have teachers who are teaching a

24 developmentally appropriate learning curriculum. Parent involvement is typically encouraged, and some programs will include additional classes such as music, yoga, and dance, and offer field trips and other school-type events throughout the year.

Center-Based Programs can be a terrific form of childcare for toddlers and older children because they offer plenty of social and educational stimulation. The challenge with Center-Based

Programs is that days and hours can be highly variable. Like schools, they have strict times for drop-off and pick-up, and close for holidays and for part of the summer. If you need full-time childcare, you may not be able to accommodate the schedule unless you have additional back-up.

That said, Center-Based Programs work extremely well as a supplement to other forms of childcare, including nannies, Au Pairs, babysitters and traditional daycare. If you send your child to a Center-Based Program in the morning, where she plays with her friends and does lots of learning activities, and then have her come home to a nanny in the afternoon, you will be giving her the best of both worlds and saving money in the process. You can also use Center-Based

Programs to offset a fine, but not particularly stimulating, daycare situation, or to avoid hiring a second nanny if you have multiple children.

As with commercial daycares, do your research and apply early. Center-Based Programs are very popular with working and non-working parents alike, so if you want Center-Based care to be a part of your childcare equation, don’t wait until your child is three years old to start looking.

Pros: More structured learning

Developmentally appropriate curriculum

More educational activities and outings

Social opportunities for your child

Cons: May only be available part-time

Rigid drop-off and pick-up times

Closed for vacations and holidays

DECIDING WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU

The kind of childcare that you ultimately choose will depend on the type of help you need, how often you need it, and the cost. For most families, cost is the single biggest consideration, although any particular type of childcare may be more or less affordable depending on where you live. A couple in Nashville, for example, might have no problem affording a full-time nanny.

But that same couple might have to opt for daycare supplemented with sitters in higher-priced markets like San Francisco or New York.

The chart below recaps and compares the average national costs of different types of childcare. This means that in any given category, some providers will cost less and some will cost more. For any of these categories, you will need to do some research—both anecdotal and official—to determine what you can expect to pay. In general, the most expensive childcare markets are New England, the Mid-Atlantic, and the West Coast.

Childcare Costs

Average Cost Average Annual Cost

Live-In Nanny $400-$600+ a week $20,800-$31,200 (Full-time)

Live-Out Nanny $15 an hour/ $600-$800+ a $31,200-$41,600 (Full-time) week

Au Pair $125-$500 a week $6,500-$26,000

Babysitter $8-$15 per hour Depends on hours

Commercial Daycare $680 a month $8,160 (Full-time)

In-Home Daycare $525 a month $6,300 (Full-Time)

Center-Based Programs $535 a month $6,420 (Full-Time)

In addition to thinking about the cost, you will also need to think very honestly about what your life will look like after you return to work, and what kind of scenario would work best for your family. Here is a list of questions to consider:

 How many hours and days a week will you need childcare?

 What would your ideal start time and end time be?

 How much flexibility do you need? Is your schedule reliable, or will it change

day-to-day or week-to-week?

 Would you prefer one-on-one care or a group environment for your child?

If one-on-one is your preference:

o Would it be helpful to have additional help around the house, such as

doing your child’s laundry and tidying up?

o Will you be able to accommodate your caregiver’s sick days, personal

days, and vacation without repercussions from your employer?

If a group environment is your preference:

o What size group would you prefer?

o Would you prefer a home-like atmosphere or a more structured, school-

like one?

o Is your child old enough to benefit (at least 12 months) from group

socialization and/or educational stimulation?

 Does your workplace offer on-site childcare? If so, being able to see you child

during the day, and travel to and from work together is a big advantage.

Once you’ve answered these basic questions, you can begin to match your answers to the different types of childcare, weigh the pros and cons, calculate the cost, and figure out which scenario makes sense for your family. Don’t be afraid to mix and match. A lot of people combine a part-time nanny or Au Pair with Commercial Daycare or Center-Based Programs because they can’t afford a full-time nanny, or work past daycare hours. Some people even supplement a nanny with an Au Pair and babysitters if they have a large family and many children with multiple needs.

[Story box]

“After twelve years of trying different types of childcare for our five children, we’ve finally figured out that a nanny plus an Au Pair is our perfect combination. Our nanny is wonderful and extremely reliable, but she’s older and more set in her ways. Having an Au Pair brings a youthful energy into the house that our kids love. She is the “playmate,” and our nanny keeps everything else running smoothly.”—Juliette, Washington, DC

[End story box]

Gold Standard Verdict: Nanny or Daycare--Does it Matter?

For many moms and dads, this is the million-dollar question. Most parents, given the choice, would prefer to have one-on-one care for their child provided by a single, familiar caregiver. But at an average cost of $700 a week—almost $40,000 a year if you factor in a bonus and other benefits—the cost of a nanny represents a significant financial stretch for many people. Daycare naturally costs much less. If you are in a position to afford either option, which one should you choose?

This is one case where the science of child development has a clear answer. And the answer is that during the first six to twelve months of your child’s life, the caregiver-to-child ratio really matters. Babies need a lot in those first early months because they can’t neurologically self-soothe. They can’t stop a crying jag that occurs, they want to be held, and if a child has reflux or colic they may need extra care. Numerous studies show that infant brain development is highly influenced by the responsiveness of the child’s primary caregiver (1), and even in the best daycare centers, it can be hard for a baby to get the amount of one-on-one care that they need. In the first year of life alone, your child is learning trust vs. mistrust (“If cry, will someone respond and make me feel safe?”) and how to form secure attachments with others through repeated, positive, loving interactions, such as holding, smiling, singing, and rocking.

With a 4:1 ratio in daycare, your baby will without question experience fewer of these interactions than he would with a single, devoted caregiver. Science tells us that 90% of the brain develops by age three, so whatever your child experiences as an infant will become the foundation of his emotional and behavioral makeup later in life. (2)

I get a lot of clients who can afford a nanny, but just barely, and are on the fence about whether the cost is really worth it. What I tell them is this: If there is any way that you can stretch and have a nanny for the first 6-12 months of your child’s life, do it—because all of the

29 research shows that one-on-one care, provided by a loving, attentive caregiver, is optimal for your child’s emotional, social, and cognitive development during that time. After the first year, daycare is fine and may even have advantages because of the social and educational aspects. But during those first few crucial months, having someone to focus on your child and respond to her needs consistently, just as a parent would, will make a huge amount of difference.

Keep in mind, however, that the success of whatever option you choose is not only about the type of care itself, but also about the amount of time and effort you put into finding the very best nanny or daycare for your child. An excellent daycare center can outshine a mediocre nanny any day, so quality is tremendously important.