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Last issue of term Easter feast Varsity coverage

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Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year

 e student newspaper of Imperial College

No. 1,377 • Friday • 16 March 2007 • ffelixelix felixonline.co.uk Science Challenge The Union is awards at the Ritz going green (at long last) Union Council passes a comprehensive environmental policy, including limitations on clubs’ air travel and waste reduction

Andy Sykes policy recommends that these are Water use reduction Editor-in-chief switched for harder-wearing reusu- Low flow rate heads will be installed able plastic skiffs. The Union will into all Beit Hall showers, and the A new environmental policy has also see the return of real cutlery new toilets being installed into the been passed by Union Council in (including metal utensils and ce- main building will have infra-red the wake of Green Week; the policy ramic plates) rather than the low- activated taps, and water-efficient had more than 1,300 signatories quality plastic cutlery currently urinals. supporting its aims. This is around used. The last time this idea was A “grey water” scheme was pro- the same number of people who tried, a good deal of this cutlery posed by the policy, which would voted in this year’s sabbatical elec- vanished, presumably the work of use rainwater from guttering to act tions, and more than the number of light-fingered students. as toilet flush water, but this has people who voted for John Collins More recycling provision is proved somewhat controversial last year. promised, as well as a composting due to the potential high cost of im- The policy commits the Union scheme for food waste from cater- plementing this scheme (according to reducing its environmental im- ing. Maybe the Union can use this to the Union’s architects). pact in a number of areas; these to improve the sickly grass in the include waste reduction, water Quad. Continued on page 2 use, carbon emissions from Union services and premises, energy, and transportation.

Overall aims The policy sets out a number of con- crete aims: reduction of waste sent to landfill by the Union by 50% by 2010; reduction of water consump- tion by use of water conservation devices (for example, in toilets); and a 60% reduction in carbon emission by 2009, with carbon-neutral status being achieved by 2012.

Waste reduction The winners of the RCSU Science Challenge were announced at the Council was told that the Union RCSU Centenary Party at the Ritz last Friday. The overall winner, produces a great deal of unneces- Naaman Tammuz, wrote an essay entitled “Brain New World”, sary waste. For example, plastic which considered the impact of brain-to-computer interfaces disposable skiffs are used every night in the Union, resulting in a CONTINUED ON PAGE 2 large amount of plastic waste. The A packed Council debates the new environmental policy 2 felix Friday 16 March 2007

NEWS [email protected] Beit redevelopment RCSU Science plans to be changed Challenge awards The winners of the Science Chal- son, who discussed the impact of lenge were announced on Friday quantum computing on society. Tomo Robert at the Ritz. The party, put on by the Present at the ceremony were Editor-in-waiting RCSU, sold out in record time, and Raj Persaud, psychiatrist presenter many unfortunate folks could be of Radio 4’s All In The Mind, along- At a lengthy Council meeting on seen on the Facebook event page side the other celebrity judges (in- Wednesday night, the paper re- begging for tickets to no avail. cluding Simon Singh, author of The ported on in last week’s Felix was The Challenge was to write an es- Code Book). passed, meaning the plans for say predicting the most important The RCSU’s official mascot, the the Beit redevelopment will be technology of the next 100 years; 1916 fire engine known as “Jezebel” changed. the overall winner was Naaman was also present for ferrying the The original redevelopment plans Tammuz, with his essay about fu- great and good to the Ritz. for the building called for the sabb ture brain-computer interfaces. Mr Tammuz took home £2500, a offices to be moved from the first The competition was also open new Apple MacBook, and won a day floor up to the fourth floor, leaving to local schools. The winner of the shadowing Dr Roger Highfield, sci- the space free for use as a coffee school category was Mark Nichol- ence editor of the Daily Telegraph. bar and lounge area. This, however, has met with dis- approval from the Union’s clubs and societies, who feel that there is more than enough space already provided for coffee bars within the campus already. What the new space in the Union might look like The paper proposed moving the sabb offices to be adjacent to the newly created Student Activities a large number of signatories, clubs can use. The Union has suf- Centre in the new mezzanine level similar to the environmental policy. fered a shortage of space available of the gym, creating a “one stop However, Council took issue with for the 200+ clubs and societies to shop” for students. The first floor calling the space a “dance studio”, use, and this should go some way to space would then be converted into arguing that there were not enough allievating the pressue on the book- a 22m x 9m “dance studio”, com- members of dance-related clubs for ing system. plete with mirrored walls and a it to be exclusive to them. The Union is due to meet with sprung floor. This was amended to calling the architects, who should prepare the The paper had already attracted area a “flexible club space” that all plans for the new area.

Environmental policy passed at Council

Continued from front page be subsided to areas within “Zone on a case-by-case basis in order to 1” (defined as around reachable exempt them under exceptional The most controversial of all the within 6 hours using train services) circumstances; for example, if the measures in the policy is the re- and will be subsidised only 16% for destination is unreachable except duction of the Union’s dependence areas within “Zone 2” (within 12 by air travel. on air travel. Tours are an integral hours of train travel). Clubs will be subsidised the cost of part of many clubs, and the vast Mark Flower, RCC Chair, raised a train journey, the aim being to re- majority of the destinations are concerns over train operators re- duce the Union’s carbon emissions in Europe, which are reached by fusing to carry large and bulky resulting from use of air travel. Ms budget airlines. equipment (using canoes as an Peel pointed out that, although this These flights have in the past example). Adele Peel, the policy’s may inconvenience clubs, a change been subsidised by the Union to re- main proposer, accepted an amend- in attitude is necessary in order to duce the burden on clubs. The new ment that would allow the Clubs & successfully combat carbon contri- Top left: “King Jad” on his throne. Top right: the setting for the party. policy is that clubs will no longer Societies Board to review each tour butions leading to global warming. Bottom: the RCSU Exec toast a successful year felix 1,377 Friday 16.03.06

Perceptions of science Sunshyyyyyne “If our scientists and society can “The story itself is unprecedented hand-in-hand nurture science, in its topic: our Sun is reaching the addressing as a priority the chal- end of its life, and a scientific ex- lenges and controversial moral, pedition is sent to the centre of the ethical and social issues, then the Solar System in order to deliver a vision of science can undergo a payload that will – theoretically transformation.” – reignite the star.” PAGE 5 PAGE 20 Chechen President Global wearing “Ramzan Kadyrov, who turned the “I think the brightly coloured nu- legal presidential age of 30 last rave "trend" is interesting. but I month is a strong leader, and has have yet to see anyone wearing it widespread support in Moscow.” without looking like a coked-up Eu- PAGE 7 ropean douchebag.” PAGE 21 Innuendo? Patrick Wolf I however reassure you of my con- “After two albums of moping and in- Idiot fidence that, in foreplay to our cen- trospection, Patrick Wolf has finally “Abandon your artificial constraints tennial celebrations next year, we figured out how to write pop songs and contrived design decisions will climax to some fantastically and it turns out he's pretty fucking and join the true gaming revolution palpable results good at it.” – the PC.” I IS AN EWOK PAGE 9 PAGE 12 PAGE 25 Friday 16 March 2007 felix 3

NEWS [email protected] Rector renews call for £10,000 fees Sir Richard speaks to the Guardian: “The cost of an education at Imperial is not low and no-one should pretend that it is.”

Alex Kendall more than Biology at Oxford, which teaching – not exactly News Editor has hardly any experimental work. the most highly-paid job. The price would not be set in The universities need The Rector, Sir Richard Sykes, has stone though; universities could the money, and the Gov- kept up his call for the widely con- charge what they like per year up to ernment says it will not do- troversial £10,000-a-year student £10,000. Rich universities could af- nate more than £3bn a year fees in a recent interview with The ford to charge less and so increase towards funding higher educa- Guardian. He likened a science de- their intake, and poorer universi- tion as not everyone enjoys this gree with learning to play the violin, ties could not. The reason this has benefit. However, if we want this sci- which “can’t be learnt in a week,” not happened with £3000-a-year ence- and engineer-based economy and condemns an apparent general fees is that most institutions charge to one day be fully realised, should acceptance that a science degree the full amount. With £10,000, more students be the ones to pay for it? is cheap; “the cost of an education variation is likely. Different courses And is a market university culture at Imperial is not low and no one in the same universities could cost the best way to proceed – to add to should pretend it is.” different amounts. Admittedly this the stress of A-levels and academ- September 2006 was the first in- does not deter international stu- ic excellence the further anxiety take of students paying £3000 fees. dents paying hugely expensive fees, about money. “Young people in the The critics’ fear, that university ap- but they have made the choice; the UK today,” says Sir Richard, “par- plicants would fall as a result and students of the future will only be ticularly from the state schools, are that the new system would price able to at the risk of sacrificing a not able to get the qualifica- poorer students out of university, better higher education. tions to come to a place has now been proved wrong. Appli- What this will all mean for the like this.” That may cations were indeed down by 3.6% student? – that is, the student of the change. Poverty but have now shot up for applica- most expensive university courses will not. tions in 2007 by 7.1%. The system – science and engineering. These of paying back fees after university are students who are meant to be has also been well received; less the foundation of the future econo- students now have to work over the my, and the highest earners, but not summer or get part-time jobs to everyone wants to go into high-paid pay for their fees while at the same science jobs. time studying. The Conservative Do we need more consultants and Party, who were opposed to £3000 fewer doctors? More investment top-up fees, now admit they would bankers and less researchers? not abolish them; the university A student leaving after a 3-year heads and the Government appear course could have up to £44,000 in to have won the day. debt, which, if they earnt £30,000 a However, many university leaders year after leaving university (way and now the Government as well above most students’ first wage) wish to raise the cap from £3000 would still take them 7.5 years to up to £10,000 in 2010. The support repay it. A medic could leave with a for this is less than that for £3000 debt of over £87,000. fees but still substantial, including Not everyone, of course, wants to our own Rector. The belief is that become a scientist when they de- the price of a degree for students cide to do a science degree. These should reflect the cost of running higher fees have the danger of that degree and that a university making the elite more elitist, and system that works more like a mar- distancing complex science and ket would be healthy. This would re- engineering more from the general sult in humanities degrees and sci- public in a country where science ence or engineering degrees with A-levels and those entering teach- less of a practical element costing ing has already fallen, a problem less than others. Biology at Impe- that Sir Richard is very aware of. rial, for example, could cost a lot A science degree is also needed for Sir Richard Sykes, Rector of Imperial College, believes that higher fees will benefit the best universities Professor dragged into immigration racism row

During a spate of racism stories in never happen. Professor Coleman unclear. other academics of recent times cause their populations were less the media, the world of the universi- is a member and co-founder of the Whether or not you agree with who have been accused of racism, intelligent than people in richer ty has been dragged into the fray as think tank Migration Watch UK, Professor Coleman’s views, voices the fuss about Professor Coleman countries.” Meanwhile Frank Ellis the definition of what exactly ‘rac- which, as a body with no Govern- in support of freedom of speech, is hard to understand. Satoshi of Leeds University has told the stu- ism’ means continues to change. ment funding, gives advice about especially at a university, have Kanazawa of LSE claimed in a pa- dent newspaper that “black people PC Anthony Mulhall faces an in- immigration, which it believes is pointed out that they are certainly per that “African states were poor and women were genetically intel- vestigation into his alleged punch- currently too prevalent. Their web- not racist. Evan Harris, the MP and suffered ill-health be- lectually inferior.” He then became ing of a black 20-year-old girl five site explains how, although they do for Oxford West has said that the first university lecturer to be times during her arrest. The now not see immigration as intrinsically the professor’s remarks were suspend- ed under the 2000 ex-Homeland Security adviser for bad, they seek for an annual cap on “legal” and so he should have Race Relations the Conservatives, Patrick Mercer, the numbers of immigrants enter- no fear of retribution from his (Amendment) Act. has been fired by David Cameron, ing the country. Professor Coleman employer. by allegedly implying on the Times has been known to downplay the David Coleman has Online website that racism in the benefit of immigrants to the econo- been called ‘racist’ army is acceptable. Now Professor my, saying that they donate “about but his views are for a David Coleman of Oxford University a Mars bar a month”. The website reform of immigration has been accused of racism by stu- goes on to say: “The impact on GDP policy. Even if they dents for his views on immigration. per head is a small fraction of 1%. are entirely anti- Students at the university, as part In Britain, congestion costs prob- immigrant, they The think of ‘Student Action for Refugees’ ably wipe that out.” What exactly are not racist. His tank set up by have started a petition calling for this means in terms of past, future, points are economi- Professor David Professor Coleman’s resignation sample size and who exactly they cal and social, not racial. Coleman despite admitting that this would include as ‘immigrants’ remains When compared to the two 4 felix Friday 16 March 2007

SCIENCE [email protected] The sweet, sweet smell of success? A tantalising whiff, as various teams worldwide make headway in understanding and treating diabetes

Colin Barras ary working on this principal. They found a molecule, called Boc5, Steve Jones, professor of genetics which encouraged rats and mice at UCL, says that most science is to release more insulin and combat part of the entertainment industry. the effects of type 2 diabetes. If a scientist can’t ‘sell’ the idea of Another approach is to identify their research to the public, they and neutralise the agents that help will struggle. This is certainly true build up insulin resistance. In a of Jones’s own research into the ge- study published in Cell Metabolism netics of snails, an esoteric subject last week, an American research if ever there was one. But some sci- team discovered that the fat mole- ence has clear benefits and doesn’t cule ceramide increases the risk of need to be sold. Medical research insulin resistance in rats. A strain has a surprising ability to enthuse of rats predisposed to develop type the public, judging by the number 2 diabetes ordinarily show signs of of column inches devoted to it in disease after ten weeks. When the the broadsheet press. At least one scientists treated the rats with a scientific paper a week offers an drug to stop ceramide production, ingenious new approach to tackling none of the rats developed insulin an old disease. In recent months, resistance or diabetes. there have been a number of new But prevention is better than advances in diabetes research. cure. A team of Imperial research- The two main forms of diabetes, ers, working with colleagues in types 1 and 2, are life-long afflic- France and Canada, made head- tions characterised by high blood lines last month by mapping the sugar levels. Patients with type 1 genes which put people at risk of diabetes are incapable of produc- developing type 2 diabetes. Their ing insulin, a hormone that controls research, published in Nature, blood sugar levels, and must go promises to allow the development through the inconvenience of daily of a genetic test to identify those at insulin injections to remain healthy. most risk of developing the disease Insulin pills would provide a more later in life. “It is very possible to convenient method of replenish- prevent diabetes even if your father ing insulin levels but remain a pipe is diabetic, but it needs good ad- dream; insulin breaks down when vice and possibly medication,” said exposed to stomach acid. But in Youch – neuropeptide injections cured diabetic mice. But could human diabetics be injected elsewhere? Professor Philippe Froguel, a sen- December 2006, a team of Chinese ior researcher on the project, via scientists produced a working in- email. The research also suggests sulin pill. Their work was published type 1 diabetes would involve repair- the abnormal nerves, the mice im- convenience in the future. But what that the mutations which increase in the journal Biomacromolecules. ing insulin production in the pan- mediately began to produce insulin. of type 2 diabetes? This form of the the risk of type 2 diabetes were at The key discovery was that a natu- creas. Arguably the most impres- Healthy nerves produce a pancre- disease results from insulin resist- one point advantageous to human ral component of shrimp cells could sive recent research into this area atic neuropeptide that controls the ance, which leaves the body less health. “The theory says that these survive in stomach acid. The scien- was announced in the journal Cell production of insulin, but abnormal able to react to variations in blood genes were very beneficial when tists fashioned tiny capsules from in December. It has always been as- nerves produce too little of the neu- sugar levels. The disease is com- we had little to eat and much to do that component and filled each sumed that diabetes is a disease of ropeptide. The team found they mon in the overweight. As obesity to find our food,” continued Profes- with insulin. The microscopic pills the immune system, caused when could also cure diabetic mice by becomes more prevalent across the sor Froguel. “These genes support were robust enough to survive in white blood cells attack the insu- boosting the level of neuropeptide western world, the instances of type a thrifty metabolism increasing the stomach of lab rats but small lin-producing cells in the pancreas. through injections. And one injec- 2 diabetes are on the rise. fat storage, which is not good in a enough to pass into the bloodstream A team of Canadian researchers tion can keep a mouse healthy for Treating type 2 diabetes might be situation of overeating and obesity.” and lower the blood sugar levels of suggested a second possibility, that months. In humans, the equivalent as simple as encouraging the body Further proof that type 2 diabetes is the test animals. What works for diabetes is a disease of the nervous injection could restore health to a to release more insulin to counter- very much a disease of the modern rats may work for humans in the system. They noticed abnormalities diabetic for several years. balance insulin resistance. A joint world. Even so, advances in medi- near future. in the pancreatic nerves of diabetic These results suggest that type 1 Chinese-USA research team pub- cal research may soon render it a Of course, a better treatment for mice. When the scientists removed diabetes may become less of an in- lished a paper in PNAS in Janu- disease of the past. Men ‘designed’ to cheat 9 out of 10 men have a ‘horny’ gene that increases promiscuity

Lizzie Murdock your parents, is far more common they chose partners who would stay than the ‘faithful gene’ which leads and help with the burden of raising A group of scientists from the Uni- to fewer sexual partners and less children. Socially, it is far more ac- versity of North Carolina have found immediate pleasure from sex out- ceptable for men to sleep around, a gene that increases the number side of a loving relationship. and encouraged in many societies of sexual partners men will have by Young adults have more sexual as proof of how manly that person 80-100%. They also discovered this partners than any other age group, is – obscurely, also making them ‘horny’ gene will make teenagers and those who sleep around will more attractive to many women. more likely to lose their virginity have a significantly higher risk of The gene involved is for a protein at a younger age, and to gain more contracting STDs, including HIV. involved with dopamine receptors, pleasure from sex with a larger With HIV cases worldwide rapidly the same receptors stimulated by number of partners. There is no increasing, finding what drives amphetamines, cocaine, and other similar gene in females, statistically young people to sleep around is illegal and addictive drugs. It is likely to have fewer sexual partners vitally important to help curb the thought sex stimulates this recep- than men. The study, carried out at spread of this deadly virus. tor more in men who have the gene, the University of North Carolina, Evolutionary advantages for acting as a ‘reward’ for deviant sex- used more than 2500 individuals in- men who had lots of sex include in- ual behaviour, making it addictive cluding siblings of both sexes. The creased fitness, as well as making – men with this gene quickly ‘learn’ results were adjusted for a range them more likely to pass on their to get this reward by seeking out of socioeconomic factors, and same genes. Sex increases muscle tone more sex. results were found across differ- and aerobic fitness, both important It was found 9 out of 10 have this ent ethnic groups. It was published advantages in finding food and es- gene, meaning many men may in the highly respected European caping predators. Women had no use it as an excuse. The message Journal of Human Genetics. fitness benefit attached to having to women is clear: keep an eye on This pre-determined promiscu- more sexual partners, while the your man – the urge to stray is in Would you trust this man? ous tendency, passed down from risk of them getting pregnant meant his genes! Friday 16 March 2007 felix 5

SCIENCE [email protected] Core blimey! Flipping magnetism! Field reversals in a vat of molten sodium reproduce the irregular behaviour of the Earth’s magnetic field

Edmund Henley pass needle indicates north – op- Science Editor posite magnetic polarities attract each other, so the compass needle, One of the thornier problems in a magnetic north pole, seeks out understanding the Earth lies far the south pole of the Earth’s mag- beneath its surface, in the core, netic field, located (confusingly) a region shrouded in mystery. As in the northern hemisphere, pres- MIT’s David J. Stevenson pointed ently somewhere north of Canada’s out in a somewhat off-the-wall let- mainland. ter (about which more later) to To make matters worse, not only Nature in 2003, mankind has sent is this location known as the Mag- space probes 6 billion kilometres netic North Pole, but every couple from Earth, yet the far greater en- of hundred thousand years or so, ergies involved travelling through the Earth’s field reverses direction. dense matter rather than a tenuous Evidence for this can be seen in vacuum partly explains why we’ve places like the Mid-Atlantic ridge: only succeeded in drilling down to as out-flowing magma cools, it 10 km – barely scratching the sur- ‘freezes’ the field direction at that face – to learn more about what lies time into itself. Going from the ridge beneath our feet. centre outwards (from newer rock As a result, to understand the to older), a succession of bands of processes which govern zones such rocks containing oppositely direct- as the core, geophysicists rely on ed magnetic fields are seen. From a combination of remote sensing, this, it’s inferred the Earth’s field simulations, theory and guesswork. has switched directions abruptly Age of the Earth’s ocean-floor crust, red is young. As new rock cools, it records the magnetic field at the Employing these, they infer that many times in the past. time. Transects across the Mid-Atlantic ridge reveal the history of the Earth’s field, and show it reverses Earth’s magnetic field originates Computational simulations have from motions of the molten iron backed this up, but in a recent ar- which makes up much of the core. ticle in Europhysics Letters, follow- team was able to generate a sta- experimental field to reverse direc- ment provides a good model for the Dynamo theory aims to explain how ing up work reported in Physical tistically stationary magnetic field tion was always much shorter than Earth’s core. the motions of this electrically con- Review Letters in January, a team (i.e. centred around a well-defined the time the field spent in a par- Shedding light on this remote ducting fluid can generate currents from France’s ENS reports they’ve average value), as others have be- ticular orientation. Again, this re- region may well require getting and hence associated magnetic been able to observe field reversals fore them. The breakthrough came produces behaviour seen at Earth: hands dirty with experimental in- fields, which interact with them- in a physical simulation as well. when they investigated the effect reversals take place over hundreds vestigations such as this. However, selves in a complicated fashion, Berhanu et al filled a large cop- of altering the speeds at which the or thousands of years, but on aver- there’s a limit – the aforementioned resulting in a roughly dipolar field per cylinder with 160 litres of liquid paddles rotated. At certain values, age stay in a particular configura- Stevenson’s call-to-arms, as some for the Earth – as if it contained a sodium, chosen as it conducts elec- the resulting field reversed direc- tion for several hundred thousand readers may recall, proposed driv- bar magnet. At present this is ori- tricity and has a low melting point tion at irregular time intervals, years, as mentioned above. Overall, ing sensors down cracks generated ented such that the Earth’s north (98C). Using counter-rotating iron much as the Earth’s field does. these similarities, and others not by vast quantities of iron, melted by magnetic pole lies in the southern paddles at each end of the cylinder The resemblance extends further, discussed here such as excursion- an atom bomb. A vat of molten so- hemisphere. This is why a com- to generate a turbulent flow, the however, as the time taken for the like signatures, suggest this experi- dium suddenly seems a lot tamer. Science: changing the public’s perception

Jenna Caldwell tions of science have become weak site infects, disreputable scientists With honest communication, ap- the uncharted 95% of our oceans; and flawed. In this 21st century sci- in the public eye come to represent propriate engagement, and dia- let physicists continue to work with Science: a series of cogs working entific and technological advances a majority, scientific progress ap- logue, the relevance and positive electrons, positrons and mind-bog- mechanistically and reductively; a are perceived by some as a threat, parently becoming the bane of our impacts of science in our everyday gling quarks in order to learn more systematic study of the nature and scientists merely working as ama- existence. lives can be demonstrated. The about the building blocks of our uni- behaviour of the material universe, teurs playing God, running all that In today’s world, science and so- golden promise of science can be verse. As geneticists pore over the based on observation, experiment, is natural off-course and directly ciety meet in an arena that is ten- given the opportunity to shine. three-billion-letter long genomes of and measurement; the formulation into the grave. tative, uncertain and sometimes In a vision of colour, scientists can humans and mice, let us paint the of laws to describe these facts in In this plagued vision, nanotech- even hostile. It is therefore impor- be valued as they dedicate their image of a science that searches general terms. Can one conclude, nology eats away at reality; robots tant that the perception of science lives to pioneering research on ne- for a solution, solving rather than like Keats, that scientific under- inherit the earth; genetic modifica- is handled with care. If negative vi- glected diseases of the developing creating the problem. Let the as- standing takes away the beauty of tion defines ‘perfection’; diseases sions are to be associated with sci- world. In the light of nanotechnol- tronomer search our skies for new the rainbow? are cured but not prevented; and ence, will it ever flourish? ogy (working with objects that are a worlds, landing remote-control- With the growing mistrust evident the powers of the scientific mind In order to change the tainted im- million times smaller than the milli- led vehicles on comets to excite in an unforgiving and frequently have fallen deep into the shadows of age of science, one needs firstly to metre), new electronic devices and our curiosity. Let the geologists sceptical society, some representa- corruption. As the pessimism para- understand that science is owned drug delivery systems are set to tell the world of the 1,000-foot-tall not by scientists, but by society. transform medicine. With a poten- underwater volcano coloured with One must recognize that scientists, tially revolutionary ability to repair microbial life. Let us support the as the ‘caretakers’ of science, not environmentalist and their efforts the possessors, are only one link in to save the ozone layer. Let the a social chain of politicians, econo- Science is archaeologist illuminate Ancient mists and social planners jointly Egyptian manuscripts using NASA deciding whether scientific prac- owned not by imaging technology in an attempt tices are going to harm or benefit to make greater sense of our civili- society. The decaying foundations scientists, but by zation. Let us interpret more effec- of trust must also be rebuilt, with tively the true meaning of science scientists openly and modestly society and the scientist. addressing the taboos of science; If our scientists and society can embracing the downfalls, the er- diseased and damaged body tissue, hand-in-hand nurture science, ad- rors, the missing links and most stem cells may offer hope to those dressing as a priority the challeng- importantly answering questions affected by cancer, diabetes, Par- es and controversial moral, ethical of doubt. The journey that lies be- kinson’s and Alzheimer’s disease. and social issues, then the vision tween research and eventual public In this brighter picture, explain- of science can undergo a transfor- delivery of scientific discovery must ing something in a scientific way mation. Rather than a machine of also be highlighted, marking the ob- does not diminish it but rather, like deception and destruction, science stacles placed by rigorous regulato- learning of the complexity of our can be perceived as a remarkable ry practices. “To every action there brains, stimulates a fascination and system of dynamics, sensitively is an equal and opposite reaction” appreciation for our extraordinary working in order and motion to – learning from the words of Isaac existence. explore the Universe around us. Newton one must see that the mo- So let the cogs of cognition and Scientists and communicators can A “solid, ironical, rolling orb” or a dense, ductile and malleable mentum of science will always be scientific discovery keep on turning. awake the beauty of science, inspir- spheroid? Depends who’s looking. (Photo: J. Caldwell, Dublin 2005) harnessed by forces of control. Let the oceanographer venture into ing us all. the easter carnival| 20:00 - 03:00 friday 23rd march 2007 ! end of term spectacular Join us at our latest scott mills! Room 1 Aleks Corr Mike Stuart-Matthews Scott Mills Playing a great selection of modern party tunes to get you jumping Room 2 Hookah Cafe Playing chill out tunes Room 3 Bungee Run Quad Multi-player Laser Quest Maze Double Smirnoff, Gordons, £2.75 Bacardi or Bells & Draught Mixer From 22:00

imperialcollegeunion.org £7 or £8 on the door Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB A.R. Student I.D. Required. The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O. Friday 16 March 2007 felix 7

POLITICS [email protected] Chechnya’s new dictator

Li Teck Lau

The Parliament of the federal state of Chechnya voted in Vladimir Pu- tin’s nominee for the post, Ramzan Omar Hashmi Kadyrov, as its new president this month.Kadyrov has been prime Politics Editor minister since his father, Akhmed, was assassinated in 2004. Akhmed Kadyrov was a leading separatist, hechnya has always fighting for Chechen independence, been in Russia’s sphere until 1999, when he defected and be- of control. The inter- came staunchly pro-Russian. C national community, In 2003, Akhmed was elected as needing Russia as a president with Kremlin support, Security Council nation, is crippled and was notorious for his alleged to do anything about it, and will re- methods of suppressing rebellious main so until some power arises tensions in the troubled region, to shift the diplomatic favour away including kidnapping, torture, and from Russia. This happens even for murder. the worst sorts of crimes against “Illegal interrogation methods other human beings that are imagi- and torture are routine in Chech- nable. If not America, then who? nya” said Council of Europe Hu- Rwanda, Armenia, Sebrenica, man Rights Commissioner Thomas Auschwitz. Just a few names that I Hammarberg last Thursday with need to remind you of, not because respect to the nomination. you don’t know them anyway, but Ramzan Kadyrov, who turned because we may forget. Allowing the legal presidential age of 30 last the dominant culture to grow be- month, is seen as a strong leader, yond all constraints of power can and has widespread support in New Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov who was appointed by Russian President Vladimir Putin lead to evils that the current soci- Grozny, and most importantly, in ety can no longer see, because it Moscow. He pledged in an inter- has been desensitised. Be it in the view with Russian news agency see the Kadyrovs as traitors. any other government except the some Russian based accusations of office, at work, Union Council, NUS Interfax, Chechnya has seen two major con- Taliban in Afghanistan. forced migration of non-Muslims in faction politics (by the way it seems “I will do my best to quickly re- flicts in the last decade or so. Rus- In 1999, just prior to Yeltsin’s the early 1990s just as Soviet Rus- to mostly be Labour vs. the Left), solve the problems daily encoun- sia sent troops into the area in 1994 surprise resignation, Russia re- sia was being dismantled, which we have to constantly analyse why tered by people in Chechnya”. when the state attempted to secede entered the state, destroying the in turn lead to most non-Muslims we do what we do. He also has de facto sovereignty from the Federation. The fighting local regime, and installing a more leaving. As well as religious differ- What a long term. I’ve been deliv- in the region, where he controls a lasted for two years until Boris favourable government. ences, Chechens still hold other ering babies and getting mistaken private militia, known as the “Kady- Yeltsin was forced to sign a cease- The fight for independence in deep grudges against Moscow for for a registrar on a HUGE number rovsty”, as well as deployed Rus- fire. Russian forces, though larger Chechnya has lasted for centuries, its often brutal treatment. Stalin of occasions. Turns out medicine sian troops, used to combat separa- in size and better equipped, were since the Tsars’ expansion into expelled the entire population to seems to be liking me after all tist movement. His and his father’s overwhelmed by the guerilla tactics the Caucaus mountains in the 18th Siberia in 1944 when it was believed (must be the beard and the grey rule have brought stability to the used by the separatists. Chechnya century. Chechnya’s population is they were aiding the Germans, hair). I just heard that a good mate war torn state, but bitterness still gained independence temporarily, historically Muslim, and is now al- leading to the estimated death of a is also coming into the tribe – wel- runs deep, especially as the rebels though not officially recognised by most entirely so. There have been quarter of their peoples. come. We are people like no other. Remember Rwanda, remember the genocide

Omar Hashmi roadblocks were set up by the mili- tia in the capital There are few moments in history After losing the Battle of Mogad- when people can look back, and tru- ishu in Somalia, the US refused to ly feel horror, disgust, and regret provide requested material aid to because of the actions of their fel- Rwanda. France, China, and Rus- low men. “The Rwandan Genocide” sia opposed involvement in what in 1994 is one such moment. was seen as an “internal affair”. The mass extermination of hun- Dallaire was directly “taken to dreds of thousands of ethnic Tutsis task,” in his words, for even sug- and moderate Hutu Sympathizers gesting that UNAMIR should raid in Rwanda was the largest atrocity Hutu militants’ weapons caches, during the Rwandan Civil War. This whose location had been disclosed genocide was mostly carried out by to him by a government informant. two extremist Hutu militia groups, The UN “failed” to respond ad- the Interahamwe and the Impuza- equately to Dallaire’s urgent re- mugambi, during a period of about quests. In the US, President Bill 100 days from April 6 through mid- Clinton and US Ambassador to the July 1994. Over 500,000 Tutsis and UN Madeleine Albright refused thousands of moderate Hutus died to take action Only Belgium had in the genocide with some reports asked for a strong UNAMIR man- estimating the number of victims to date, but after the gruesome mur- be between 800,000 and 1,000,000. der of the ten Belgian peace keep- In the wake of the Rwandan Gen- ers protecting the Prime Minister ocide, the United Nations and the in early April, Belgium pulled out of international community in general Bodies from the Rwandan Genocide, indistinguishable from any other massacre in human history the peacekeeping mission. drew severe criticism for its inac- With the return of the refugees, tion. Despite international news the government began the long- media coverage of the violence as it The genocide ended when a Tutsi- fuelling the First and Second Con- political moderates irrespective of awaited genocide trials, which had unfolded, most countries, including dominated expatriate rebel move- go Wars. Rivalry between Hutu and their ethnic backgrounds. Large an uncertain start at the end of 1996 France, Belgium, and the United ment known as the Rwandan Pa- Tutsi tribal factions is also a major numbers of opposition politicians and inched forward in 1997. In 2001, States, declined to intervene or triotic Front, led by Paul Kagame, factor in the Burundi Civil War. were also murdered. the UN set up the International speak out against the massacres. overthrew the Hutu government MRND, the ruling party of Many nations evacuated their na- Criminal Tribunal for Rwanda, cur- Canada continued to lead the UN and seized power. Fearing repris- Rwanda from 1975 to 1994, under tionals from Kigali and closed their rently based in Arusha, Tanzania. peacekeeping force in Rwanda, als, hundreds of thousands of Hutu President Juvénal Habyarimana, embassies as violence escalated. The UN Tribunal has jurisdiction United Nations Assistance Mission and other refugees fled into eastern has been implicated in organizing National radio urged people to stay over high level members of the gov- for Rwanda (UNAMIR). However, Zaire (now the Democratic Repub- many aspects of the Genocide. Mili- in their homes, and the govern- ernment and armed forces, while the UN did not authorize UNAMIR lic of the Congo). Ethnic hatreds tary and Hutu militia groups began ment-funded station RTLM broad- Rwanda is responsible for prose- to intervene or use force to prevent that fuelled the Rwandan Genocide rounding up and killing all Tutsis cast vitriolic attacks against Tutsis cuting lower level leaders and local or halt the killing. quickly spilled over into Congo, they could capture as well as the and Hutu moderates. Hundreds of people. unionpage Moving into private housing after April 6th? Read this! In the advice centre our most popular area of enquiry the disagreement. in, this will make it easier to decide the condition of This scheme is a is about housing rights and within this by far the furniture and the like when you move out. massive change most popular enquiry is that your landlord has kept The second type of scheme is an insurance based to the way that your deposit unfairly and how can you get it back? So scheme, where the tenant would pay a security 2. When you move into the property take pictures of landlords used we build up an argument and in some cases this may deposit to the landlord but in this instance the anything that you think may cause a problem when to conduct their go to the small claims court. landlord retains the deposit and pays a premium to you move out of the property, try and ensure you business in the the scheme. can get these dated somehow, so for example if the past. The scheme Over the past couple of years the government landlord says there is a stain on your carpet take a may be able to have been looking at private housing and the next If there is a dispute the landlord will legally have to picture of this to avoid getting charged when you have a massive development in this is the Tenancy Deposit scheme, hand over the full deposit to the scheme until the move out. impact on students basically what this means is that any one moving situation is resolved, if the landlord doesnʼt comply as tenants, however Nigel Cooke into a private house or fl at and signs an assured and a decision is made in favour of the tenant, then 3. Ensure that your landlord is part of the scheme this will mean shorthold tenancy, has their security deposit put into the insurance payments cover this. and donʼt take any excuses or explanations as to nothing if students Student Adviser an approved government scheme by the landlord. why they are not, if you have questions or are not are not aware of the [email protected] These schemes are all run by private companies sure whether your landlord should be part of the scheme so I would 020 7594 8067 If a landlord chooses not to do this and is reported but the key diff erence from the way deposits were scheme please contact the Information and Advice ask anyone reading imperialcollegeunion.org/advice then it is possible that the tenant could be awarded 3 held before is that there is an independent dispute Centre. this to pass the times the amount of deposit they have paid, so what resolution service in the past, it could take weeks of word on or show does all this mean for the average private student arguing with a landlord then eventually it may get to 4. In the scheme when the landlord and tenant are people this article. tenant? Well hopefully this article will answer some the small claims court, this could often be costly and agreed on the amount to be paid to the tenant, this of your questions. intimidating for a student to initiate, this way there is must be paid back within 10 days, this is the same if As an advice centre we will be distributing some no need to take it to the small claims court. there is a dispute and a decision has been made .If promotional materials on campus over the next Landlords will be able to choose from two types of a landlord fails to comply with this rule then further couple of weeks, NUS will also be helping us by scheme, one is a single custodial scheme this is where Of course it is likely that there will be a few teething action can be taken. providing promotional materials, so help the student the landlord would pay the deposit into the scheme problems with the scheme in the fi rst few months community by spreading the word! handing the full amount over to the scheme. so the Information And Advice Centre has drawn up 5. Any assured shorthold tenancy that is signed some important points to remember when signing before April 6th 2007, the tenancy deposit scheme Obviously there is a wealth of information on this At the end of the tenancy and if both parties agree an assured shorthold tenancy after 6th April 2007: will not apply it is only those assured shorthold subject and in this article I have tried to give you a to the amount of money being paid back, then the tenancies that are signed after this date that will be brief introduction to the tenancy deposit scheme, if scheme will pay back the agreed amount to the 1. Insist on your landlord drawing up an inventory, part of the scheme. you have any further questions regarding this article tenant, if there is a disagreement the a dispute this is a piece of paper which will have the condition please do not hesitate to contact The Information resolution service will step in at no extra cost to solve of everything in the property on the date you move and Advice Centre President’s Update Keeping the Library Cool

This week the Union Council passed a radical carbon technology Any student at Imperial who has spent the summer for revised solar environmental policy that calls for the Union to on College term revising in the Central Library will be able to relate shading will go in, reduce the waste it sends to landfi ll by 50% by 2010 Buildings. a grim tale of overcrowded desks, unhygienic students this is a real shame and to reduce its carbon emissions by 60% by 2009. 10. Reduce and, most importantly, soaring temperatures. The for students as it This policy came about following an overwhelmingly the Unionʼs library is a mix of 1960s concrete and 1990s glass means another positive response to an environmental petition that dependency on – creating a building which has the same eff ect as a summer of blistering was signed by over 1300 students during Green air travel to certain green house with no ventilation. While this may be temperatures. Week. Given that we have never had an environmental destinations (as bearable in the winter months, as summer approaches policy before, I think this is a bold and positive step detailed in the and temperatures rise and working conditions This should have forward. In the long run we aspire to achieve carbon new Unionʼs Tours plummet. been the end to neutral status by 2012 – but fi rst we need to focus Policy) by not John Collins this sorry saga. But Ben Harris on the basics. subsidizing short- This situation is long standing, and not particularly no, residents are Deputy President haul fl ights. President easy to solve. The library already has specialist glass objecting to the We aim to achieve these ambitious targets by [email protected] and window blinds fi tted,designed to reduce solar revised application Education & Welfare implementing the following operational policies: Obviously we will gain, but this simply isnʼt enough. Luckily for students on grounds [email protected] not be able to implement these policies all at once action is being taken to change this – the library is which can best be 1. Reduce our waste by using reusable crockery and so please give us a few months grace to bring in undergoing a facelift. You wonʼt have been able to described as petty. Issues like the precise appearance cutlery instead of disposable crockery and cutlery in these changes over time. However, the Union can avoid the work carried out in the library last term. This of a plant room which can be viewed by a handful of our catering outlets; only do so much and every member of the College involved relocating the humanities department, but people at the rear of Alexandra Court. Is this really that 2. Reuse our waste by using reusable glasses and community has a role to play in helping reduce our more importantly improving the ventilation provided important? There is a real danger that these objections multi-use skiff s; carbon footprint, waste and water consumption. to fl oors 4 and 5. This was the fi rst phase of a series could put off the library redevelopment completely, 3. Recycle and compost as much waste as possible of works to dramatically improve the library, with leaving students in an untenable situation. We need to and ensure that recycled waste is sorted into the Last week representatives from the Union and the the second phase (due to start this summer) even make sure this doesnʼt happen. correct bins; Environmental society met with the head of facilities more ambitious – a complete refi t of the ground 4. Procure products that have a high recycled content management, Nick Roalfe, to discuss the Collegeʼs fl oor to provide modern, fl exible study space and What can I do? where practicable; energy and waste strategy. What emerged from this the installation of solar shading on fl oors 4 and 5 to Right now the best thing you can do is to support 5. Reduce our water consumption through installing discussion is that plans and policies and in place or further reduce the soaring temperatures. More details the Collegeʼs planning application (ref no. 06/0743/ simple devices in existing appliances that use water; are being developed, but many are simply not being are available at www.imperial.ac.uk/library. FULL). You can do this online at www.westminster. 6. Reduce energy use by maximising building energy enforced. So, if you know of a building that turns gov.uk/environment/planning/, or by sending a letter performance in the Beit Building Masterplan; the heat on full on a hot, sunny day then please tell Unfortunately there is bad news. Local residents objected to the planning department. The Union has prepared 7. Reduce energy wastage by improved building us (the Union) or the College and we can advise the to the original proposal, or more specifi cally the solar a draft letter which you can fi nd online at www. management (i.e. by turning off lights and computers appropriate manager to take action. By taking simple shading. Apparently the shading was ʻtoo denseʼ and imperialcollegeunion.org/library, along with full details in the evening, turning down radiators in unused measures like this, I am optimistic that we can make it marred the building by obstructing the windows on of the campaign for a cooler library. If you live within rooms, and so on). an impact that I hope will inspire others to do the the 4th and 5th fl oor (of course the residents objected the City of Westminster you may also want to write 8. Substitute carbon-emitting energy for renewable same. when this extension was built). You may think that this to your local Councillor, raising your concerns with energy by lobbying the College to use energy isnʼt enough to stop a planning application, but you them. You can fi nd their details at www.westminster. supplies from a low-carbon source. This leaves me to wish to a relaxing, green Easter would be wrong. As a result of this the College was gov.uk/councilgovernmentanddemocracy/. If you 9. Support and where feasible, pursue proposals for holiday and best of luck with your revision! forced re-submit the planning application without need any more information please donʼt hesitate to the installation of onsite renewable energy and zero- the solar shading. Although a separate application get in touch with me. Council Elections 2007 Last Chance for “Early Bird” Summer Ball Tickets This yearʼs Summer Ball is a special one, it is the Imperial College Voting for Council Elections 2007 is now open. London Centenary Ball and will be our biggest and best yet. Tickets have been on sale for a few weeks now at a discounted “Early Bird” Voting closes 20th March at 23:59. rate, however this special off er will end very soon, so donʼt miss out. Prices will be rising by £5 per ticket. for more info: imperialcollegeunion.org/elections for more info: imperialcollegeunion.org/ball

Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060 Friday 16 March 2007 felix 9 Faculty Elections About voting

If you’re a student doing Maths, benefit their students. They also Chemistry, Physics, or Biology have a strong social side, serv- then the RCSU is your Faculty ing to bind departments together Union. If you’re an Engineer, or through various events held dur- a Computing Student, then your ing the year. Faculty Union is CGCU (below). You can vote if you are doing The FUs are there to specifi- one of these degrees. To vote, cally represent students doing go to www.imperialcollegeun- similar degrees; for example, ion.org/vote and sign in with Thom Jennifer they often lobby College and your College username and the greater Union for changes to password. Groot Morgan

In the 1st year of its new exist- Vote for me! I’m the best, most Other positions ence, the RCSU has made an in- experienced candidate! I’m ap- credible contribution to the sci- proachable, dedicated, enthusiastic ence students. and fun! As welfare officer this year Vice President (Activites) Broadsheet Editor I believe that if elected as RCSU I’ve actively advised students when James Field John Oloughlin, Alexander Guite President, I will be able to keep problems arose and I’ve successfully the upward line going, and ensure fought for people’s ‘welfare’! I’m Vice President (Operations) Re-Open Nominations that the RCSU will outgun the en- definitely familiar with union politics David Charles As with all Union elections, RON gineers, miners and medics for - I’m on council, the representation stands for all positions. If RON is the second year in a row. and welfare board and other funky Honorary Junior Treasurer elected for a position, then that A vote for me, is a vote for an ex- committees. I’ve frequently gone the Ester de Roij, Shuangzi Guo election is re-run. Vote RON if perienced and strong leader. extra mile to help out the union. I re- you think none of the candidates I have acted as the Chemistry ally care about the RCSU and under- Honorary Secretary are suitable, or that more candi- Dep Rep last year, and have held stand its fragile position in the future. Michael Coombe dates should be standing. various positions in other socie- We’ve done some great things this ties, taking on responsible roles year and I’m going to match them Academic Affairs Officer and delivering results. and do better. I know what worked Andreas Esau I promise enthusiasm and plen- and what didn’t, and I have plenty of ty of hard work for the job in hand. vision for the RCSU’s future! We still Welfare Officer The RCSU has a big legacy, and have to conquer The Savoy and The Inger Eriksson, James there are some big boots to fill, Dorchester! We have the power to Wordsworth however, I am confident I will be represent students and protect their Manifestos for all candidates able to keep the RCSU in the top interests and I want this to be publi- Events Officer listed here can be found on the spot! cised and utilised properly. Daniel Teutsch RCSU website: www.rcsu.org.uk Royal College of Science Union President Vote Thom for RCSU President! 150 words just isn’t enough. Email me at [email protected]!

A vote for Tristan Sherliker is a vote for experience. Joseph The CGCU exists for three major reasons: for academic representa- tion, organisation of faculty wide Jezic von events, and running of our socie- ties. I have direct experience with each aspect: as a YearRep, and Re- Gesseneck app; having helped organise events in Halls, Guilds, and College-wide; and with committee experience on The CGCU, albeit structurally rigid, several societies. retains much flexibility in the appli- A vote for Tristan Sherliker is a cation of its work. As each faculty vote for improvement. thrusts its ideas forth, I propose This year some things have been no withdrawal. I am convinced it is great, and some poor. As Guild- crucial to develop cohesion in the sheet editor I’ve been in a position intra-faculty policies towards pro- to see exactly what has gone right Tristan moting a reinvigorated consensus challenges, from reviving our in- and what has gone wrong, and to spirit at the inter-faculty level, thus ternship program to reorganizing write it down and remember it! allowing us all to remain on top of our budget to secure a sabbatical A vote for Tristan Sherliker is a Sherliker the issues on the agenda. for the presidential position. vote for results. There lies exciting potential for I however reassure you of my My experience has always been initiatives in the penetration of the confidence that, in foreplay to our devoted towards achieving results, inexhaustible issues and projects centennial celebrations next year, and never to self-promotion or “un- within and beyond our faculty. we will climax to some fantastically ion hackery”. I’m not interested in We may struggle through initial palpable results, bringing to frui- constitutional politics if it gets in resolutions as we tackle current tion the cumulative efforts of years the way of what needs to be done. and successive outbursts of new past.

Other positions Voting opens

Vice President (Finance & Honorary Secretary Academic Affairs Officer (Taught) on Friday! Societies) Vinnothan Balakumarasingham, Alexander Grisman, Leong Lo Michael Chan, Andrew Holland Nuri Purswani Ramchandani Academic Affairs Officer Vote on the Union website: Vice President (Activities) Welfare Officer (Research) www.imperialcollegeunion.org City & Guilds College Union President Salma Begum, Edward Judge Sam Piper, Aditya Narayanan Eirini Spentza ffelixelix Easter Egg Testing F.E.E.T. Sampling and Tasting Investigation S.T.I.N.K. of Numerous Kinds (of eggs)

Cadbury Creme Egg

Price: £1.99 Egg: Milk chocolate Extras: 2 Creme Eggs

Hobag: “I feel cheated. My people will Lindt Lindor not stand for this. The so called ‘creme’ in the creme egg is in no way creamy. But a Price: £9.99 sickly amalgamation of defeat and sugar... or Egg: Milk chocolate something” Extras: 200g box of Lindor truffles

Row-your-boat-Lands: “I’m not a fan of Hobag: “I found it delectable. The truffles Creme Eggs and like many women I feel and the egg itself oozed as it flowed down cheated by the size of the box.” my gullet.”

Egg rating: ★★✩✩✩ Sykes: “Less enjoyable than explosive diar- rhoea. F**k the rating!” Extras rating: ★★✩✩✩ Tomo: “An average egg accompanied by velvety smooth packages of chocolate. But what comes first? The luxurious Lindor or the egg?”

Egg rating: ★★★✩✩

Extras rating: ★★★★★ Galaxy Ultimate Chocolate Indulgence

Price: £6.99 Egg: Milk chocolate Extras: 5 Galaxy branded chocolate bars Cadbury Dairy Milk

Alex Casey: “Typical Galaxy: why have Price: £4.99 chocolate when you can have silk?” Egg: Milk chocolate Extras: 250g slab of Dairy Milk chocolate Hobag: “Oo, very nice and creamy with a slight whiff of caramel. What a pleasant Jov: “Standard Dairy Milk chocolate. Noth- surprise.” ing too exciting.”

Hannah-backwards: “Heavenly. Galactic. Big Matty Hartfield: “Very weird. Like Takes you to a different astral plane.” chewing tyres and a very and there’s a bit- ter aftertaste.” Egg rating: ★★★★✩ Hannah-backwards: “It burns! I don’t like Extras rating: ★★★★✩ this cheap rubbish! The extra was an even bigger bar of cheap burning crap.”

Row-your-boat-Lands: “Standard issue.”

Egg rating: ★★★✩✩

Extras rating: ★★★✩✩

BEST Guylian

BUY! Price: £4.99 Egg: Milk chocolate Extras: Box of 11 Guylian praline seashells

Hannah-backwards: “I liked the truffle sea- shells but the egg was too sickly.”

Fluffy Harris: “I love seashells.”

Emersonian Warrior: “Gobble, gobble, gob- ble. Gobble!”

Alex Casey: “We have a winner, classy.”

Tomo: “Best. Extras. Ever.”

Egg rating: ★★★★✩

Extras rating: ★★★★★ Waitrose Milk and White Chocolate

Price: £9.99 Egg: White covered milk chocolate Extras: 6 praline mini-eggs

Lines: “Really hard to penetrate. Tastes a bit nutty, ie: not good.” Green & Black’s Dark Fluffy Harris: “The egg was disgusting. I couldn’t even face the extras.” Price: £2.99 Egg: Dark chocolate Big Matty Hartfield: “Agreed. My tongue Extras: None receded into my mouth with the bitterness of the egg.” Alex Casey: “Toilet and tree infusion”

Alex Casey: “Advent calendar chocolate.” Lines: “Yummy. I could gobble it down all day” Egg rating: ★✩✩✩✩ Fluffy Harris: “Really dark. Too dark, like Extras rating: ★★★✩✩ when bad things happen in the middle of the night.”

Tomo: “Steer clear if you don’t like dark chocolate. Simple as.

Egg rating: ★★★✩✩

Terry’s Segsations Extras rating: N/A

Price: £1.99 Egg: Orange chocolate Extras: Variety bag of orange chocolate segments

Tomo: “I don’t even like orange chocolate, but hot diggity, this tastes fine.”

Lines: “A bit too fake and crap” Toblerone One by One Sykes: “The egg was divine though I felt deeply cheated by the lack of a real choco- Price: £4.99 late orange and that pun, ‘segsations’ is Egg: Milk chocolate f**king criminal.” Extras: Variety bag of Toblerone chunks

BEST Egg rating: ★★★★✩ Emersonian Warrior: “It reminds me of lick- BUDGET ing a seat on the Metropolitan line.” Extras rating: ★★★✩✩ BUY! Row-your-boat-Lands: “Idiot above, don’t listen to him. The egg was tasty and the extras were the best yet.”

Big Matty Hartfield: “Decent creamy egg if slightly boring. Mini Toblerones ROCK. Diamond hard.” Green & Black’s White Egg rating: ★★★✩✩ Price: £2.99 Egg: White chocolate Extras rating: ★★★★✩ Extras: None

Row-your-boat-Lands: “I don’t like white chocolate.”

Lines: “Very vanillery if such a term exists.”

Fluffy Harris: “Vanillery like nothing else. Ab- solutely delightful and definitely something different to anything else.”

Alex Casey: “More chocolate, less vanilla.”

Egg rating: ★★★✩✩

Extras rating: N/A

Dubble Fairtrade

Price: £2.99 Egg: Fairtrade milk chocolate Extras: One Dubble chocolate bar

Lines: “Light and melts on your tongue – my favourite.”

Fluffy Harris: “Creamy in a male way”

Big Matty Hartfield: “Best of the bunch!”

Lines: “Who put minute coffee beans in my bloody egg?! Would I tamper with your caffeine fix? No, I wouldn’t. Worst tasting chocolate ever. Budget chocolate bar too.”

Egg rating: ★★★✩✩

Extras rating: ★✩✩✩✩ 12 felix Friday 16 March 2007 eviews RMUSIC [email protected] An album fiesta, not siesta We’ve got reviews of the second Arcade Fire album, and the new Patrick Wolf album

album reviews US cool. Despite all of this doubt- save how formulaic the Arcade Fire from a 7000-pound rhinoceros than ing, I still maintain that Funeral is have become. After losing members the gangly 23-year-old pictured on a gorgeous album full of brilliant and family through death, they dug the cover. His voice never quite songs that have only a shallow simi- deep with purpose and produced takes on the raw animal energy larity to the aforementioned bands. Funeral, now after that success and encapsulated in songs like Tristan Funeral was introspective yet out- adding members they have become from previous album Wind In The going in its optimism and childlike stable, and ultimately complacent. Wires, but that is really a conse- wonder, it was intricate yet minimal Basically, when they're singing or quence of the more poppy nature of Matty Hoban in its portrayal so as not to blur the performing, I don't feel like they The Magic Position and his voice is melodies and as mentioned it was mean it and this makes it hard for certainly never without presence. Editor of Musics grandiose whilst retaining an or- me to take the time to absorb this Returning for a moment to the Arcade Fire ganic lo-fi edge all oozing melodies album in its entirety over time. instrumentation, what impresses Neon Bible and rhythmic punch. These contra- They must try harder. more than any particular instru- (Merge Records) dictions and walking the fine line Matty Hoban ment is how Wolf blends live and ello darkness, my ★★✩✩✩ between dramatics and genuinely electronic elements, with synthe- old friend. Actu- moving seem to have been lost and sizers working their way into a host ally, the Darkness Even though those of you who lis- the line is reduced to a smear. They of tracks and some very interest- H weren’t my friends, tened to and loved Funeral (myself are a band suffering from a lack of ing arcade machine samples turn- they were a joke included) will probably have bought definition, and this comes across ing up on Get Lost (as well as a gone horribly wrong, so much so this album anyway, I thought I'd in the obscure attacks upon gov- theremin). that they actually thought they write a little something about this ernment such as in Black Mirror The main highlight of the record were a band so a member left. album. It is Arcade Fire's second ("Show me where them bombs will has to be the title track, soon to be The less said about that chapter album, but I fear will be labeled for- fail"), and the re-recording of No released as a single, which exem- in music history, the better. ever as the 'follow-up' to Funeral for Cars Go which appeared on their plifies Wolf's new poppier direction; Anyway, so we have come to years to come. Want to know why it debut EP. with its uplifting strings, playful the last issue of term, and what will be eternally lamented this way? Speaking of vague attacks on the Patrick Wolf handclaps and stomping feet, this a term it has been. Or, not, since Well, it just leaves me with this void government, this album reminds Magic Position is a song you could actually dance it always dawns on people at this where emotions should be. What me of Radiohead's dire and for- (Universal) to! Other strong points are opening time of year that they need to made the Arcade Fire so adorable gettable effort, Hail To The Thief ★★★★✩ track Overture, singalong friendly actually do some work, and they was the fact that they were gran- with its lack of invention and lack Accident & Emergency and the have ‘no money’. I often find this diose but retained a subdued aes- of tunes. The songs on this album After two albums of moping and in- bouncy fairground anthem Get time of year severely lacking in thetic and production value, now are okay but they are just that; the trospection, Patrick Wolf has finally Lost. musical inspiration also. they have indulged in the grandiose drums are utilitarian which isn't re- figured out how to write pop songs Wolf unsurprisingly doesn't go Christmas is absolutely det- leaving me feel like I have just lis- freshing just boring and the chord and it turns out he's pretty fucking wrong with the slower numbers rimental to the creative juices tened a Bruce Springsteen album. sequences are obvious with no good at it. Of course, The Magic either, such as the quite listenable and it is because of that horrible If you have ever seen the film High drastic changes in structure or pro- Position still has a few moments of ukelele and piano led ballad Augus- word, money. Gigs die off as pro- Fidelity, then this album should gression in the songs. I mentioned tedious balladry thrown in for those tine, if you like that kind of thing (if moters don’t want to risk putting have felt like the scene where our Bruce Springsteen earlier and this losers who actually listen to what you liked his previous albums then on gigs as people have little protagonist is in dialogue with The comes across via his dull album he's singing about, but on the whole you probably do). Even the bizarre money and might not come out, Boss, but instead this LP was the Tunnel of Love which is so middle of this album is packed with the kind noise-experiment Secret Garden and the promoters themselves awful dance moves of Courteney the road that it is a splattered squir- of fun and energy only seen in such doesn't seem overly out of place don’t want to put their money Cox in the video for Dancing in the rel with skid-marks across it (listen concentration on a handful of tracks here – even though it may have on the line in case noone comes. Dark. to Keep The Car Running). When from his previous albums. been more at home in the darker Gigs tend to pick up at this time That first sentence may not have the stadium rock is toned down as Opening track Overture puts a territory of his earlier work – and it of year and then, before you know made much sense I guess, but then in Neon Bible, the repetition of the heavy emphasis on strings, which serves as a subtle reminder of how it there is a three-way amazing that is true for a lot of things that title just annoys and I find myself play a major role throughout much he has evolved musically. show clash like there is tonight I say. I remember on the cool kids skipping through it. of the record and I could go on When you consider that Patrick (March 16th). circuit a lot of those people who dis- This album is frankly a disap- about how lush and exciting the Wolf is only 23, it's hard not to be ex- In Brixton, where I’ll be, at the liked the Arcade Fire were those pointment and I can't help skip- instrumentation is throughout, but cited about what he might have to Windmill there is the fantastic people who just saw them as a poor ping through it until I get to some for most people listening the most offer in the future, but for now this Make Believe (same guys as imitation of Mercury Rev or Modest of the songs Regine sings, but not important thing by far is going to delightful collection of pop songs cap’N Jazz, Owls, Joan of Arc and Mouse but with a gothic aesthetic even her quirky yet ultimately ap- be Wolf's guttural crooning, which will have to do. Ghosts & Vodka). After Brixton rather than subdued Mid-Western pealing French hybrid singing can sounds more likely to have come Alex Baldwin I shall scuttle off to Highbury & Islington to the Silver Rocket club-night where October All Over, Underground Railroad, The Sailplanes, and Epideme are playing at the Buffalo Bar. Whilst all of this is happening, the fan- tastic Raccoo-oo-oon will be play- ing at Barden’s Boudoir in Stoke Newington. I recommend you go to at least one of these gigs, but two of them might be sold out soon so turn up early. Go now! I am blabbering on about all these good gigs and bands so as to counter-act my recent appear- ance. I have probably seemed malevolent in my distain for all new bands cropping up, but I am sick of all these fads cropping up. I want the good old days (the 90s) where bands had tunes and sustainability, but the millennium had to come along and so all music now has to sound ‘progres- sive’ and ‘modern’, like all this new vacuous architecture. Maybe we have reached the pinnacle of humanity and ideas of the 21st Two gloomy sets of visages that could do with hugs and snuggles: Arcade Fire (left) and Patrick Wolf (right) Century are wishful thinking. Friday 16 March 2007 felix 13

MUSIC [email protected] End of term release bonanzarama Awful albums and a load of singles up for review for the end of term album review looks like a car, it has an engine and steering wheel like a car, but it is in fact a pile of fucking shit. The per- ceptive among you may be guess- ing I am going to say the Kissaway Trail's debut album is a Lada, well I am not, because at least a Lada has some function, while this piece of musical mush is a lie, a complete, hideous, Danish lie. But why I hate the Kissaway Trail Dartz! may not be immediately apparent This Is My Ship on first listen to the album. There (Xtra Mile) is nothing wrong with the band, the ★✩✩✩✩ music is likable, the songs are lush and developed, thoughtful lyrics The exclamation mark was intro- and organ are all there but why do I duced to English printing in the hate this band so? Because they are 1400s and it officially stopped being a complete fucking rip of the Arcade cool exactly 5 minutes later, so why Fire – just with more cheese. Forev- this band felt it was appropriate er Turned Out To Be Too Long, the to defile their name with this foul opening track, could be mistaken blemish is completely beyond me, for an Arcade Fire cover band and unless of course they are just try- the following Smother+Evil = Hurt ing to distract me from the fact that is equally as misleading. their music is absolutely abysmal. If you have never heard the Ar- Dartz! are the archetypal pub cade Fire then you’re safe, you rock band that somehow managed will probably like this album, it is to transcend selling casettes out of relatively easy going and twee, the the boot of their mum's car after a twenty somethings who make up gig at the local social club and land the band can certainly play their in- on the pages of the NME by plaster- struments and put together songs ing their releases with unnecessary just not ones which are original. To the guy in the middle (yes, I know he’s the drummer): “You’re not from round here are you boy?” punctuation and shouting meaning- Props to the band as they have suc- less bullshit over the top of a gener- cessfully captured and mimicked ic guitar/bass/drums setup. the sound of their Canadian idols duction so it nothing short of in- associated with these kinds of com- album, Saturday Night Wrist, the One of the few songs on this record – even the accent! Let’s just hope credible. It has got ticking and petitions and regain the credibility single is fun and catchy, well as fun which approaches listenability is they realise the music is about orig- deep drums and everything you they lost after releasing a rushed and catchy as one of the founding the ludicrously titled Prego Trian- inality sometime soon. Oh, but they wouldn’t have thought would work and hype-driven debut album. fathers of nu-metal breed can get. golos, with its jerky angular guitars, do have a nice art direction. well together but with a little Timbo This is no mean feat but ex-Idol This is certainly no 7 Words or but it is unfortunately let down by Nick Simpson magic do and the big shocker is for Kelly Clarkson managed what many Passenger but Mein cuts its own an inexplicable chorus of shouting the first the lyrics have depth. He is considered to be impossible in 2004 niche and is identifiably in its own over hand claps ("You have three pretty clever in his use of Ice Box as with her multi-platinum sophomore right, something that cannot be said sides, but you're not a triangle." album review a metaphor for a guarded heart and album Breakaway. She capped a for the releases of many other rock Deep.) The internet tells me that he tackles heartache from a new great year off by winning two Gram- veterans (I'm look at you RCHP). Once, Twice, Again! was released perspective. my awards – one from right under The track clocks up only five or so as a single (hence the exclamation It is a little more subtle in its bril- Mariah’s nose. No doubt Fantasia is different lines but the draw of the mark), so I guess that if for some liance compared Justin’s My Love hoping for similar success with the thrashing melodys and bare drum- reason you enjoy listening to this but it gives us a glimpse of how release of her first single from her mings is as strong as ever. Forever band then you will like it (in fair- much better My Love could have sophomore album. Album number loveable the Deftones are still living ness, at least on this song they try been if the singer had a little more 2 is her chance to show the world up to the hype. – badly – to sing properly instead of vocal ability. she has what it takes to be vital to Nick Simpson just shouting like drunken louts). Keep an eye out for Solange, Be- the music world and if it bombs it If you think I've been a little harsh yonce’s little sister, in the video. is going to take a miracle to get her about Dartz!, well, I have; in fact, a Omarion Jemil Salami career back on track, much like the lot of this album is simply mediocre Ice Box miracle required to save Jade’s Archie Bronson Outfit and not nearly as atrocious as might (Sony) career. Dart For My Sweetheart previously have been suggested. ★★★★✩ album review Fortunately for her, and let’s face (Domino) Other single St. Petersburg is defi- it for us too because you can never ★★★★★ nitely listenable, as are many of the B2K were the urban *NSYNC. get too much good music, it doesn’t others, it's just that there's really Massively popular for no appar- suck. Hood Boy is a juiced up slice nothing to lift this album above the ent reason. Okay they could they of urban pop driven by a Supremes’ Being initiated into the South Lon- rest of the seemingly endless wave could bust a choreographed move sample (The Happening). It is a don crew this year I have immedi- of identical bands all desperately or two but that still doesn’t explain shout-out to men everywhere in the ate 'respec' for the Archie Bronson fighting over some modest degree why teen girls went gaga over same vein as DC’s Soldier and pos- Outfit simply because they are local, of success with those more con- them. Their material, like that of sesses the boisterousness of Chris- to me that is. The first time I ever cerned with style than substance in *NSYNC’s, was pretty generic so it tina’s Ain’t No Other Man. It is a heard of the band was on an advert their music. is still a mystery how they managed loud and fun cut which will plague on TV, ever since I have been mildly Alex Baldwin to shift so many albums. Fantasia your mind for days after you first amused by their sound and listened Fronted by moderately talented This Is My Ship hear it. intently to a selection of their mu- singers, the boys cashed in on the (J Records) Jemil Salami sic. The intrigue continues with this album review boy band explosion of the nineties ★★★✩✩ single release. Guilty of poor com- but only the lead singers, Justin parisons the sound is like a English (*NSYNC) and Omarion (B2K), Fantasia can sing her butt off. She single reviews version of Kings of Leon, only origi- managed to survive the boy band proved this so many times on AmI- nal and with a twist of Electrelane massacre of the early noughties. dol that now it is pretty much a fact Deftones to spice things up. Rhythmic and This makes Omarion the Justin no one can deny. But now it is time Mein addictive Dart for My Sweetheart Timberlake of R&B. for her to tackle the second item on (Warner) is a low drone of a song, deep and Unlike Justin, Omarion hasn’t her to-do list in her evolution from ★★★★✩ original it goes against the grain by struck platinum with his second talent competition winner to recog- being a critically acclaimed band solo offering, yet. Lead single, En- nised and acclaimed recording art- that is actually good. The B-Sides tourage, was incredibly weak and ist – make a breakthrough album. Deftones have been around the are a good support, In The Shad- The Kissaway Trail very few got to hear it before it sank The second album is usually the block a fair few times but surpris- ow Of Love is reminiscent of the The Kissaway Trail without a trace. Luckily, his second beginning of the end for reality tal- ingly after five albums and 18 mournful blues that added so much (Bella Union) single off 21 isn’t half bad. In fact, ent competition winners-that is for years in the business these aging character to the first Von Bondies ★✩✩✩✩ I can’t believe I’m admitting this those who manage to make it that masters have never really altered album, while Fire House provides outside the safe confines of my bed- far. Trying to forge a career in the their sound. Mein is a testiment yet another dose of depressed joy. When is a good deal not a good deal? room but it is pretty darn good. music industry after winning a show to how talented the group is, less Forgot the Kooks, the Fratellis and Asks Norwich Union, well when it Like JT, Omarion has called in like American Idol becomes even the polish the track could happily all that bollocks because this IS new looks good, looks like the real thing beat extraordinaire, known to you harder. There is a desperate need sit anywhere in the bands discog- music, not rehashed tripe. but is in fact bullcrap, e.g. a Lada, it and me as Timbaland, for the pro- for contestants to avoid the stigma raphy. Taken from the fith studio Nick Simpson 14 felix Friday 16 March 2007

MUSIC [email protected] Obligatory end of term snorefest Robin George Andrews with another sycophantic essay on some popular act at the minute live review of happy juice into the dwindling tion of the performance, which was genre, and tonight he brought his sadly, approximately, only one hour. album to life, not to mention raising Nevertheless, with only one album the roof at Koko, a venue primarily out and literally at the start of his focusing on indie music. career in the eyes of the public, he From the opening jumper Love can be excused; his excellent per- Today to the more piano-led tracks formance, which stands out from such as My Interpretation and Over any other pop act around the UK My Shoulder, he showed a surpris- today, more than makes up for it. ingly impressive range in vocal Whatever child-like inhibitions style and musical composition, and that were being held in by the au- his perpetual bouncing around the dience were unleashed during the stage, accompanied by the quite en- animated conclusion to the set, Lol- joyable lyrics themselves, he suc- lipop, which saw the release of such Mika cessfully made a hard-line progres- a vast quantity of vitreous confetti Koko sive rocker smile; this, I guarantee it could have filled the entire Royal you, is incredibly rare thing for pop Albert Hall. Everyone was either music to accomplish. leaping into the sky to intercept as It’s probably best to describe it as The support band were as much much of it as possible as if the Crys- walking into the dream of an LSD a part of the act as the man of the tal Maze had returned, or stood addict. Lollipops, lots of pink-fla- hour himself, with some brilliant there and slowly became immersed voured flamboyancy and a gigan- guitar riffs increasing the energy of in it. By the time Mika walked off tic monkey, the stage was set for the already hyperactive songs, par- the stage, hundreds of people were what turned out to be more of a ticularly the catchy Billy Brown, assaulting each other with masses show than any kind of gig I’ve ever which was accompanied by two ad- of the glittery confetti, with some experienced. ditional brass players, to add some being uncomfortably placed inside Mika, the Beirut-born London blaring instrumentality to the pro- some unfortunate places. based pop sensation, made famous ceedings to great effect. I remain impressed by this sig- for his single Grace Kelly (which The entire performance was de- nificant entry into the UK music ironically places the music indus- lightfully camp but was at no point scene even after the glittery, ec- try in a wholesomely negative light) in your face; you couldn’t help being stasy-mimicking performance had performed his entire album at the swept up by the motion of it all. The faded into memories. Still, despite infamous Koko venue in Camden. songs themselves were all com- my tiredness and complete and ut- Even at the beginning of his ca- pletely unique, and each developed ter disorientation I seem to have reer, the Freddie Mercury dead its own unique character, all thanks experienced tonight, I could walk to ringer has amassed a huge fan to the charisma of Mika and his im- Koko from here: I just have to fol- base, and it is fairly easy to see pressive vocal range, which even low the confetti trail leading from why. Pop music, as it is generically live seems physically impossible. Camden to South Kensington. That termed, is often bland, unoriginal The man must have vocal chords stuff’s like gold dust to the most im- and seriously unimaginative. Mika the size of a single mini-cheddar. mature of minds. has injected a serious overdose The only let down was the dura- Robin George Andrews Mika amongst a load of rubbish and some balloons

Interview with up-and-coming Ripchord

Claimed by many to be one of the have another two to do. All the Good fun to work with? names are crap until the album re- Tomorrow, are you going to any ‘up and coming’ bands for this year, night have been good, but Man- Yeah, great, the nicest guy you could ally get known. Like Modern Life by others? Oxygen has an interesting a band described as playing ‘in- chester, the 1st date was the best meet kinda thing. Yesterday we had Blur, what a terrible name! But be- line up. cessantly catchy pop, like Blur, or cause it the 1st massive gig we’ve a day off so we just went round to cause it becomes known as a good Not sure, not a big fan of the Chillis Franz at their giddy best’, well de- ever done, The adrenaline alone his house and chilled out a bit. Wan- album and the name is associated and there was a rumour they would cide for yourselves. made it the best. dered around Portobello road mar- with it, its ok. As long as we don’t play. Made up of four people, Phil (vo- ket and watched a bit of Harry Hill. call it Ripchord it’ll b fine. cals, rhythm guitar), Beal (Bass), Do you find may people know who He’s really good with new bands, At this point the band descend into Roz (drums), and co-writer and co- you are? only really does first album, apart So you where signed by James a rant about which bands they re- founder Sulli (lead guitar) from the Not really on this tour, it sold out so from The Coral. He just eases you (Endeacottt (1965 records)) in ally don’t like, too loud for us to Midlands! We caught up with the fast everyone is a hard core Kaiser into it, very keen to keep the ‘live what, august? catch everything, except that they band for a chat, in the Shepherd’s Chief fan! But we supported the Pi- sound’ on the album. You got your Nah, May, just before the A-levels. are not big fans, to say the least Bush Empire where we find them geon Detectives earlier in the year, deal through what you sound like at Some of us had exams and the oth- of both the Red Hot Chilli Peppers having a couple of drinks. and loads of people knew our single the start so you should need to piss er’s went travelling. So we didn’t and Bloc Party. Coming back to the then. But those gigs attract the kin- around with the 1st album. get anything going for a while, but interview: So you’re here at the empire sup- da ‘new music’ fans. that partly because we weren’t good porting the Kaiser Chiefs, How did So when can we expect the enough really, needed more prac- So a year from now, what would that come to happen? Are you en- So you’ve had one single out with album? tice. We did the 1st few album tack you like Ripchord to be doing? joying the tour? your current record (1965) did you There’s a single out at the end of at the end of august then had a gap We’d really like a song in the charts, Yeah, its great. They picked us actu- try to release anything yourselves April I think, our first full release, where we did nothing but practice. as you go on your aims get bigger. ally, their drummer came to see us first? called My Precious Valentine then A year ago we just wanted to re- when we played in London a while Not really no, we did a couple of the album should be out at the end So its been a pretty interesting lease a single. Now we’ve done that back. The next day we were told small demos and stuff but everyone of the summer. year for you all then? we want to be in the top 40, an in a they wanted us to support them. does that. Nothing major, even this Yeah, I mean it doesn’t seem like it years time maybe a headline tour They where doing a DJ set on Zane single was only on limited release, Did you all help write the album? cause we’ve been doing it an we’re with fans going nuts to the songs. Lowe’s show a couple of weeks ago, it was just to get the name out there Phil (Wallbank, lead vocals and about to play Shepherd’s Bush, but I think when you hear one of your and they played our single (LOCK really. We were lucky cause it was rhythm guitar) writes most of the if you’d said that to us a year ago it songs played in the background of a UP YOUR DAUGHTERS) as the 1st put on a NME CD and a rough trade stuff on an acoustic guitar, then he would have been mad. IT doesn’t soap like ‘eastender’s’ you’ve really track. cd, that helped a lot. It get quite a brings it to us and we each add in seem weird at all though. made it. good reaction when we play it now. our parts ourselves. Every one is Have many other bands been sup- pretty in tune with how the song Are you playing any festivals over Finally the band leave to do their port alongside you? You got an album in the works? should go, no ones trying to take the summer? sound check and we consider how The 1990’s, there’s two bills rotating The albums finished, we’ve just crazy bass solo’s where they don’t Yeah hopefully, We’d love to play not to get ejected from the back- between each night, us and them got to mix it now. I always thought fit or anything. Glastonbury, Reading, Leeds, but I stage area without passes. Rip- are on the same night. Really nice that when u record an album, u just think they only sort out the smaller chord are genuinely one of the guys. record it in and there, its done. But Does the album have a name? bands later on, we just want to go 2 friendliest bands I’ve met and their there’s loads to do to it to get the No, not yet. We’ve been thinking Glastonbury really. songs aren’t exactly shabby. Keep How far through the tour are you sounds right after. Ian Broudie from about a few but you tend to just an eye out for that single at the end now? Is there any night in particu- the Lightning Seeds is producing it think about in jokes that we find Have you all registered just in of April. lar you enjoyed playing? with us, he’s done The Coral and hilarious but no one else would get. case? This is the 5th night now and we the subways already so. If you think about it most album Erm, when’s the last day you can? Sam Lombard

Imperial College Presents:

Tuesday 20th March 2007 Doors Open 18:00 18 felix Friday 16 March 2007

FILM fi [email protected] Danish honeymoon can’t perform Danish Cinema finally enters the foreign market, but the marital union doesn’t look to provide eternal bliss

Alex Casey been advertised quite widely, giv- direction. The main draw here is throughout the film and the plot Film Editor en its origins, so I figured it’d be a Mads Mikkleson, recently exposed seemed to move as fast as the cam- After The Wedding good place to start learning. Sadly, to Western audiences as villain Le era. Anyone who said European Director: Susanne Bier Danish cinema is something that I it’s not exactly a shining new force Chiffre in Bond flick, Casino Roy- films are dull and slow weren’t in- Writer: Susanne Bier, imagine must be quite new to most in World Cinema. ale, so now seems a sensible time troduced to this. The saving grace Anders Thomas people, including myself. While Don’t get me wrong, I’m not to capitalise on his international here is the acting which shows Jenson Lars Von Trier has moved to Hol- trashing the whole Danish film recognition. In all honesty, it’s also some great talent, not only from Cast: Mads Mikkelson, lywood and been brought to public industry and on closer inspection the best point of the film so it’s not Mads but from Sidse Babette Knud- Sidse Babette attention, the industry itself seems of the film it becomes clear why all in vain. sen also, playing the old flame, Knudsen to be pretty unknown. After the some distributor thought now After the Wedding sees a Dan- Helene. They have real chemistry Wedding however seems to have might be the time to export in this ish orphanage worker (Mikkelson) and both fill their character with in India invited back to his home- a real sense of people with a past, land to secure financing for the or- and are matched all the way by phanage from a rich businessman. Helene’s husband, played by Rolf Reluctant at first, he eventually Lassgard. This lifts it beyond the repents and travels to Denmark dreaded TV drama status. where said businessman invites In all fairness, this was an alright him to his daughter’s wedding film. Nothing too special, but per- that weekend to pass the time on haps it’s unfair to judge it as typi- his stay. However, when he shows cally representative of a country’s up, it seems there is more to come cinema. After all, when people than a certain business deal as he judge French cinema they’ll trawl finds his ex-girlfriend married to through history to find something, his financier. Cue the resurfacing not nip off down the multiplex and emotions, hidden secrets and fam- watch Orchestra Seats. This is ily torment. more of the latter I imagine and It does all sound a bit like an ITV Danish cinema has contributed to drama premiere but it has a slight- the art in the form of the Dogme ly different style. If David Lynch ’95 movement, something that was makes films seemingly inspired just overlooked here because of its by LSD fuelled hallucinations, the minimalist style at a time when we director of this offering, Susanne were obsessed with special effects- Bier, could be accused of being on laden eye candy. speed or at least a daily breakfast The highlight is definitely the of ten espresso shots. The camera surprising performance of Mikkel- never stands still; new characters son that can’t help but leave you have 360 degree sweeps around thinking he was criminally under- them, there’s a cut every few sec- used in Casino Royale. But then onds and the whole thing moves at again, that’s one of the Bond fran- incredible pace. Having not been chise trademarks whenever it gets introduced to Danish film prior to a great actor. This is a much bet- this, I am left wondering if this is ter acting showcase. Plus, any film a national technique like the jump that manages to play “It’s Raining cut of the French New Wave or Men” twice without incurring any simply one woman’s inability to homosexual undertones must have stand still. artistic ability. “I wish we hadn’t picked “It’s Raining Men” for our first dance” This did dominate my thoughts Well done Denmark. The many unsung heroes of the cinema score

Hugh Stickley Mansfield tening, and with good reason - no- Awards and the like - John Williams, their scores - Gabriel Yared and these, though bizarrely enough, one in their right minds would wish responsible for a couple of hum- Anthony Minghella (whose reliance Philip Glass is, despite the core of Of all the categories of Academy to sit down and listen to it, and it mable tunes over the years though on a single composer for his scores every work of his - whether for the Award, the one most likely to be amazes me that anyone could think hardly anything award-worthy, has was described by one reviewer on screen or not - being comprised of given to the least deserving person it works in a filmic context. the most Oscar nominations of Radio 4 as ‘unique’, in a startling constant repetitive arpeggios to an is that of Best Original Score. What makes the success of Ba- anyone other than Walt Disney and subversion of the word ‘unique’); almost fetishistic extent. That he This year, for example, it went to bel’s score all the more galling is receives at least one nomination Darren Aronofsky and Clint Mansell is capable of subtle differences be- Gustavo Santaolalla for his work on that one of its fellow nominees for every year on average. Clearly, the (the partnership responsible for the tween scores puts him above most Babel, a score matched in its mind- the award was Philip Glass’s as- Academy values soulless bombast aforementioned scores by Mansell); other screen composers in itself, numbing blandness and formulaic tounding score to Notes on a Scan- over anything truly original or com- Tim Burton and, unaccountably, the since any form of subtlety is beyond monotony only by the film itself, the dal - a work which manages to be pelling, though the general dearth suicidally twee Danny Elfman; etc. them. only message of which seemed to striking and evocative without rub- of worthwhile scores may be in Inevitably, variety is likely to suffer Given that the films they score be that all people are inconsider- bing emotion into the audience’s some way to blame. as a result, though some screen lack subtlety, this style is clearly ate pricks who make stupid deci- ears. That such an outstanding It’s no surprise, then, that many composers have sufficient breadth perfect for them, but it certainly sions (rather than having anything work can be overlooked in favour of directors are accustomed to stick- of style to prevent this. Williams isn’t worthy of recognition, let alone to do with language barriers as the one so uninspired seems a terrible ing to one composer for most of and Elfman, alas, are not amongst an Oscar. publicity and title had led us all to injustice. believe). Even then, at least it was nomi- Santaolalla’s previous works in- nated - the finest score of last year clude the similarly unimpressive by a country mile, that of The Foun- score to Brokeback Mountain, tain, didn’t even receive a nod. which unaccountably won the Clint Mansell’s profoundly inspir- previous year’s Oscar, and North ing score, beautifully performed by Country, whose score was so ap- The Kronos Quartet and Mogwai, palling as to distract from the film is one of a rare few that eclipse the itself. Amongst other crimes, it film for which they were composed made use of the standard opening- (Mansell’s previous work on Req- pan-across-epic-landscape-while- uiem for a Dream is another, so the-credits-appear cliché of a bog- iconic has that become while the standard lazy faux-epic piece with film remains relatively obscure), loud thumping beats with exces- yet received no recognition by the sive levels of reverb and delay, the major awards other than a Golden likes of which only ever appear in Globe nomination. films (almost invariably shit ones, Though it’s hardly surprising that at that). This sort of nonsense such standout works would receive never pervades music for home lis- no recognition from the Academy Judi comes to blows with Blanchette for humming that damn Star Wars tune, leaving Brad to save her Friday 16 March 2007 felix 19

FILM fi [email protected] Lynch goes down the rabbit hole David Lynch returns with rabbits, screwdiver stabbing and the Locomotion. Even Alice would be confused

you lie on. Assuming Lynch doesn’t at others it seemed like cinema Inland Empire challenge your perception of what a nirvana. He truly understands cin- fence really is. ema in a way few directors do and Director: David Lynch The plot of Inland Empire goes makes the audience undergo an ex- Writer: David Lynch like this: Nikki Grace (played by perience rather than listen to a co- Cast: Laura Dern, Jeremy Laura Dern) is a Hollywood ac- herent story. This is his first feature Irons tress, ready to make a massive re- I’ve seen in the cinema and there is turn to the top with her new film but no other forum for it: my senses felt Alex Casey soon finds herself falling for her co- assaulted, totally overloaded in the Film Editor star despite being married already. dark atmosphere. As the lights go As it becomes known to her that the up I felt like talking to the random David Lynch is one filmmaker guar- movie is a remake of one that was people next to me about it, feeling anteed to polarise an audience. As never previously completed under that we’d shared an intense experi- a reviewer, he can be simultane- mysterious circumstances, things ence that doesn’t come very often. ously a dream and a nightmare, begin to take a bizarre twist and Thankfully I refrained. more confusing than even his films then, erm, well, yeah… After this Laura Dern is fantastic in the at times. He is the avant-garde of just go with the flow, whether it be lead role, carrying the whole film. the mainstream if you forgive the up, down, sideways, whatever. Best known to many as Dr Ellie paradox and three hours of Inland If you aren’t aware of David Satler in Jurassic Park, I wasn’t Which one do you reckon is Naomi Watts then? Empire is certainly enough for you Lynch and his work you won’t really expecting that much from her to decide which side of the fence appreciate how weird it gets after given her absence from the indus- that. If however you’ve seen, for ex- try for so long. But woah, does she quiturs, one of whom is allegedly it too because of its innate abstract- ample, Mulholland Drive, you’ll ap- impress. This pulls the rug from Naomi Watts. Not to mention the ness, so you’re left more with an preciate exactly where I’m coming under Helen Mirren, no joke. She spectacular lighting throughout or impression that specific scenes. from. Lynch is a master of the sur- is required throughout to be so the way he uses camera focus to As for what Lynch is trying to con- real and it will depend on how much many characters, conveying each further distort space. It really is a vey with this, it could be interpreted you are willing to follow his abstrac- one brilliantly, and it’s easy to un- sensual, both visual and audible, differently by everyone who sees it. tions of reality whether you can en- derstand why Lynch chose her for feast right up until the last bar of As far as I can see, it seems to por- joy this or not. It is not a film I would their third collaboration. Her face is Nina Simone’s “Sinnerman” com- tray Hollywood as a land of confu- lightly recommend to someone, but not typical Hollywood, and the fluo- pletes the credits. sion, uncertainty and menace. Is to those who want to see something rescent lipstick she sports at points So why wouldn’t people like it Lynch trying to distance himself a bit different, I’d push you to your adds character to a real human then? It’s tough going if you’re not from Hollywood? He certainly isn’t seat and chain you to the chair until face, not some airbrushed goddess. looking for cinema as art. If you a typical studio director but seems it’s over, just in case you considered I could gush for ages on this so I’ll want a story then don’t go to this to have integrated himself into the leaving half way through. The cou- stop now. one without being warned. I found mainstream, possibly as a token ple in front of me did, be warned The imagery is the key here. that I had to psyche myself up in alternative. that it’s not for everyone. When it feels like it’s dragging, the morning for it as it can take the That doesn’t diminish his talents Becoming Jane this isn’t. I felt at suddenly there’s a room of girls do- mental concentration of a Jedi not however, and Inland Empire sump- times that someone was dragging ing the Locomotion. Or the people to go mad yourself during a Lynch tuously wraps up everything it Stern Dern wire scrubbers across my eye and in rabbit heads spouting non-se- film. It’s hard to remember lots of means to be a David Lynch film. Could it be magic? It certainly casts some spell

The Illusionist manages to journey and even an attempt to The Illusionist achieve the impossible, though, by overthrow the government. keeping you sitting there for two You get the whole package deal Director: Neil Burger solid hours despite comprised of with this story, and with a small Writer: Neil Burger mainly two-dimensional charac- cast compared to films of a similar Cast: Edward Norton, ters and a fairly dull beginning: it nature, you would expect the film to Jessica Biel, Paul is the pleasingly convoluted and be primarily character driven. The Giamatti rapid advancement of the plot that characters, sadly, do not appear to makes this film a fairly enjoyable have much emotional depth, and Robert Andrews experience, continually keeping sometimes it is difficult to feel for you guessing. the situations they so inconven- Amazing illusions aren’t solely Set in turn-of-the-20th-Century iently put themselves in; however, confined to the likes of brilliant Austria, it begins with the arrest as the plot is the driving force for magicians and conjurers. For ex- of the mysterious and enigmatic the entire production, by the time ample, have you ever wondered Eisenheim, charged with demon- the twists and turns start to slowly where all your alcohol disappears strating necromancy on stage. At reveal themselves one cannot help to every time you walk out of your this point we are introduced to the but root for the two lovers. room, even with your faithful room- characters of the Chief Inspector of Jessica Biel, whilst not given a mate guarding it? Perhaps you are Police and Crown Prince Leopold, particularly generous amount of still puzzling over how that pile of the latter of whom aggressively de- screen time, is perfectly adequate Ed Norton gets the latest in magical accessories, a white magic 8 ball work suddenly appeared on your mands the former reveal the dark in the role of the great Eisenheim’s desk. And how in the world did that magician’s past to him; and so be- passionate interest. Edward Nor- deadline creep up on you without gins a far-fetched tale of childhood ton is a good choice for the role of show: torn apart by glory on one roles suddenly become far more you seeing it coming? friends, lost love, an unexplained the magician himself, and although side and a moral duty on the oth- interesting. he cannot seem to force himself to er, it is this inner conflict which It is safe to say that some peo- portray emotion particularly ex- propels the plot forwards. More ple will predict the ending before plicitly, in retrospect I believe this significantly, it is the character to it happens, but it is the journey to be the essence of his role as the which the audience can relate to; you take to get there which is far unassuming, straight-faced, highly he is none the wiser as to how Ei- more interesting. Whereas the intelligent master of the dark arts. shenheim’s spectacular feats are film refuses to reveal many of the Until the very end his emotional accomplished. great magician’s tricks, it does output is incredibly hard to see, and The pace of the plot is similar to reveal how the greatest illusion the tone of his voice simply refuses the plot itself, in that it begins slow- was accomplished, and this makes to change, giving the audience the ly and does not pick up until about the inevitable epilogue greatly distinct impression that he is al- a third of the way through, after satisfying. ways in control and never out of the the characters are given some All in all, this is well worth the picture. background history. Until this ticket price simply to see Giamat- Nevertheless, it is Paul Giamat- point it is difficult to see what di- ti’s show-stealing performance ti’s performance as Chief Inspector rection the film is taking although and to try and work out just how Url, right-hand man to the ruthless suddenly, events take a turn for the such an elaborate illusion seems Crown Prince Leopold (played by worse and the storyline and pace so plausible; a truly mesmerising an ominous, convincingly menac- explode in the face of boredom film. Little Red Riding Hood walks into the wrong fairy tale ing Rufus Sewell) that steals the and the more mundane character Pure Magic. 20 felix Friday 16 March 2007

FILM fi [email protected] Global Warming? Sounds good... This Easter, Danny Boyle will put science in the shade, and make the world crave those extra two degrees

for storytelling, the key question land-scripted space opera exhibits journey to the Sun, which increas- the audience finds it hard to avert Sunshine regarding Sunshine is this: can it a distinct flair for dark storytelling ingly looks like a one-way trip. When their glare either. Director: Danny Boyle breathe new life into the science- and emotive cinematography that tragedy begins to befall the charac- The atmosphere generated by Writer: Alex Garland fiction genre in the same way his deserves to be applauded. ters, you cannot withhold your sor- the simply breathtaking effects, the Cast: Cillian Murphy, first did for the horror genre? Surprisingly, the two hour time row as the excellent, emotive and sweeping score and the excruciat- Michelle Yeoh, The story itself is unprecedented slot does not allow for much char- suitably surreal score kicks in; the ingly tense and minimalist use of Chris Evans in its topic: our Sun is reaching the acter development, with the focus absolutely stunning and terribly the sound effects would be nothing end of its life, and a scientific expedi- being kept primarily on the pace of lifelike CGI effects engulfing the without the superb cinematogra- tion is sent to the centre of the Solar the story and the atmosphere; de- characters at points like these are phy; innovative, often provoking Robert Andrews System in order to deliver a payload spite this slight disappointment, the beautiful to behold but at the same camera angles that only reveal part that will – theoretically – reignite focus is clearly on the conditions time terrible to watch. of the scene to the audience and From the pen of Alex Garland the star. What follows appears to these astronauts are surrounded The predictably tragic yet endear- continuous shots not unlike those comes the spiritual successor be an amalgamation of all previous by and, more importantly, the deci- ing storyline continually spirals out seen in the Oscar-winning thriller to the sleeper hit 28 Days Later science-fiction sub-genres, molding sions they have to make. of control and into an abyss of de- Children of Men are perfect for – Sunshine – a story of salvaging action, suspense and horror into However, despite the lack of char- spair until up to half of the screen accumulating a nail-biting atmos- humanity from a seemingly inexo- two hours; in this sense it does not acter development the audience is time is devoted to the psychologi- phere, particularly during the ex- rable extinction. As his first ma- at any point generate anything sur- still able to bond with each of the cal breakdown of each of the crew tra-vehicular spacewalk scenes. jor success raised the bar so high prising or unseen, but the Alex Gar- crew members and their collective members; however, the film, despite What Sunshine indubitably does its darkness, is always injected with best is convince you throughout the optimism from time to time, usually entirety of the story that you are from a character’s revelations or beside these astronauts, confined eventual course of action, leaving within the gigantic but claustro- the viewer with a spark of hope de- phobic Icarus-II; not until the very spite the unfolding horrific events. end, when the perspective is finally Whether it was by design or not, removed from the Sun and focuses by not having a great deal of in- on our very own Earth, does this ef- depth character introspection the fect really hit home, finally releas- issue of survival is not focused on ing you from the self-incarcerating the individual crew members but on conditions imposed by this domi- humanity itself, and several refer- nating vessel. ences to our indigenous home world With a well-chosen cast, includ- and the importance of this mission ing an unsettlingly-fearless Cillian repeatedly, but by no means annoy- Murphy (28 Days Later, Batman ingly, reminds the audience of this Begins) as the onboard Physicist, fact, and it pays off incredibly well. and a welcome return to western The Sun is represented here as cinema for Hiroyuki Sanada (The the creator, the origin of all life on Last Samurai) as the expedition’s Earth; whenever it is onscreen the righteous commander, this film ex- characters never see it as anything udes quality, and despite the lacking less than the utmost hallowed of character depth, the atmosphere universal presences, even if they alone is worth the viewing price. are staring death right in the eye. Sunshine is a truly mesmerising At various points during the sci- film, proving once again that direc- ence-fiction epic our scientists and tor Danny Boyle and scripter Alex astronauts are frequently lost in its Garland are two bright stars in the bathing luminescence, and the CGI vast swathe of Hollywood hotshots. Cillian Murphy ignores the age old advice not to look directly at the Sun. Or touch it is implemented so successfully that Long may they survive. Scully finds there’s more than truth out there

painfully ready to follow her lead. After this most horrific encounter, Straightheads However, there is enough chem- the two drift through life together Director: Dan Reed istry evident on-screen between aimlessly, unable to forget those Writer: Dan Reed the two to ensure that they are not who left her with severe emotional Cast: Gillian Anderson, wholly unconvincing as a couple. scarring and him with the use of Danny Dyer After attending a lavish party in the only one eye. How appropriate then, country, Adam and Alice speed off that while Alice is visiting the rural through a desolate forest in the ear- abode of her deceased father, she Patrick Tumilty ly hours of the morning. They come glimpses a familiar face; it is Hef- to a sudden, grinding halt when Al- fer, one of the men who forced him- If you are partial to movies that fail ice’s Benz wraps itself around an self so cruelly upon her. When she to fully answer the questions they unsuspecting deer/elk/mammal of tells Adam, they conclude that they pose, where the main characters your choice. While Adam is outside must take some sort of revenge - an are never fully developed and the investigating the damage, a sinis- eye for an eye, as it were. plot is a loose construction that ter looking Jeep pulls up and some The second half of the movie is would collapse under the slightest men disembark. Not that threaten- all about the tension and expect- scrutiny, you are going to have a ing, you’re thinking? Just wait… ancy, but will they be able to bring whale of an 80mins watching Dan Unfortunately for Adam and sub- themselves to commit brutality Reed’s .Straightheads. sequently Alice, these are the same that few understand like they do?. Starring the familiar (surely eve- group of men who she earlier over- The somewhat abrupt ending left ryone at IC watches sci-fi?) Gillian took on the way to the party and me relieved, rather than intrigued Anderson [The Last King of Scot- who Adam vociferously swore at. In or wanting more. Straightheads land] as Alice and Danny Dyer [The their present inebriated state, the never fully capitalises on its poten- Football Factory] as Adam, this at- only thing on their mind is to beat tial: too much is left unsaid and the mospheric and sexually charged him to within an inch of his life. eroticism that pervades the whole thriller describes a chance meet- This scene is not for the squeamish movie feels somewhat forced. The ing between two young lovers and and while Tarantino it is not, I still link between violence and sex, ex- a posse of rugged men, intoxicated, found myself cringing with each cellently delineated in movies such high and ready to mete out some blow. Leaving Adam prone on the as Angel Heart and Leaving Las pain and suffering. ground, the men move on to Alice, Vegas, is never really made here Adam and Alice meet while he is their lust for violence not yet sated. and one cannot help wondering installing her new alarm system. If I told you that this scene is one of what the point of this whole exer- They are a bit of a mismatch; she the main reasons why an 18 certifi- cise was. is a confident, beautiful business- cate has been placed on this movie, To conclude, I guess it was watch- woman, while he is a young Cock- I am sure you can infer the invasive able, but you’re better braving Dav- ney lad, unsure of himself and manner in which they abuse her. id Lynch’s Inland Empire. Gillian fears her hair won’t cut it for the 100 Sexiest lists this year Friday 16 March 2007 felix 21

FASHION [email protected]

Global warming imminent COOL

Rehab Hot Looks For This Spring Judging purely by how many celebrity's are jumping on the band- Pretty Dresses wagon, rehab is hot right 1. I think the brightly coloured nu-rave "trend" is interesting. but I now. Here's a chicken, have yet to see anyone wearing it without looking like a coked-up Eu- egg dilemma; does ce- ropean douchebag. I think the opposite way to go is much more inter 1 lebrity attract more than esting, floaty clothes in natural colours. A short, pretty white or cotton dress, can be a versatile and easy look. Team the dress with it's fair share of fucked up tan accessories, like chunky wedge sandals, and this look is gol - people, or does celebrity Dress, £20, Dorothy Perkins; Reebok Freestyle Hi, £39.99; Wayfarers,cream fuck people up? £15, Topshop den.

High Waisted Straight Jeans

M by Madonna @ H&M 2 How is Madonna relevant to a H&M customer? I don't know how old she is, but judging from her hands alone I'd say she's about 98. She has lost her cultural relevance to young women, if she designs for any brand it should be Laura Ashley. Her designs are unorigi- nal and at best derivative.

2. I have previously branded high waists as lame, however the key difference here is the cut. High waisted flares, no. High waisted straight legged jeans, yes. Actually finding a pair which don't look like some- would've worn in the 90's, with a yard long zip up to thing your mother distant your belly button, proves difficult. Those types of jeans, whose right- ful home these days lies only in re-runs of Friends, are only a cousin of this seasons high-waisters.Camisole, Topshop's £12, Topshop; corset jeans Jeans, @ £45,£45 are a step in the right direction. Topshop; Bag, £12, Miss Selfridge; Scarf, £15, Topshop

Barbie Loves M.A.C Denim Short Shorts According to M.A.C, "Barbie is hip, happen- ing and all M·A·C with a modern rebel attitude and fashionable indie style". How can copywriters sleep at night knowing their livelihoods depends on writing crap like this? Even more ominous is 3 the line, "Barbie Loves M·A·C, a limited edition colour collection spe- cially created for all you living dolls". Did anyone watch that programme on Channel 5 (probably) about men living with life size dolls? They prob- ably smear Barbie M.A.C across their "girlfriends'" lifeless faces.

Empire line tops Do designers actu- ally consider how their 3. Wear with flat sandals and a loose t-shirt for laid back cool. If designs will look on an you don't have the legs for shorts, just go for cropped actual human person you should be aiming for here is slightly stoned, not hooker, so before deeming them fit don't team short shorts with a tight top and high heels.. The It's lookba- for production? These sic fashion arithmetic really. 2 + 2 equals 5 right? tops don't even have the Shorts, £22; Bag, £12, all Topshop T-Shirt, £12,; decency to just make you look pregnant, you just look fat. LAME 22 felix Friday 16 March 2007

GAMES [email protected] I, Gamer This week in videogaming Guns, football, and Communism – the three ingredients in the modern game?

riginally, there was some confusion as to why the PSP hadn’t O been included in the Playstation3 an- nouncements of the GDC. This week though – if rumours are to be believed – there’s a good reason for it, namely a successor to Sony’s dark handheld slice. The PSP 2.0, Michael Cook according to the gaming blog Ko- taku that broke the story, claim that Games Editor third party insiders have been prom- ised a second console, and that an announcement may come as early his week I’ve revis- as this year’s E3 event. There’s the ited Broken Sword. standard claims of better screen Maybe it’s because and faster loading times, but what’s T it’s one of the first really caught our eye is the possibil- PC games I played, ity of a built-in camera and – oh-oh but for some reason the Broken – a built-in touchscreen? Sword games are quite calm- It’s unlikely to emerge for a while, ing. The hapless hero George certainly not before the Playsta- goes about saving the world tion3 debuts its Home software, the in the kind of nonchalant man- social networking platform that will ner you might expect to see if play host to all of Sony’s matchmak- David Mitchell was tasked with ing shenanigans. Dubbed by Nin- saving the world. tendo a ‘Mii too’ attempt, Sony has Broken Sword is a joy to play defended their ideas, saying that it for a lot of reasons. It predates gives a far wider and more social the hypersuccessful Knights range of things to do, not to men- Templar cash cow by at least tion the suggestion that this tech- five years, for one thing. But nology had been in development games of Broken Sword’s gen- for some time. Home’s closed beta re – one very close to extinction begins in late summer with it go- – always remind me of gaming ing live worldwide before the year before people fussed. is out. There are fears that it might I’m not one of those people impose upon gamers that aren’t so that think modern gaming is a interested in the new technology, travesty compared to the 8-bit but Sony’s Phil Harrison seems days. I’m as glad to have Civ IV confident that it’ll become as key and C&C3 as much as I am to to the Playstation3 as Live! is to the have the originals. But games XBox 360. like Broken Sword show a more Phil does his best. From top – Doom, Sensible World of Soccer, and Civilization, three of the most influential games ever? comfortable industry, when the What would be your Top 10 of in- gap between the gamers and fluential games? This just in – no- the makers was less. one cares any more. What was once (Spacewar!) and some – Sensible are very varied, and if you’re hoping and much-hyped Spectrobes for the The last fortnight in gaming an age-old discussion and source Soccer – are slightly questionable. to get one early on, you should shop DS, as well as the new Bomberman has been racked by infighting of many petty internet debates has But agree or disagree, Mr. Lowood around. £555 spent at Game will get Touch, and our personal favourite and mudslinging, with the GDC now finally been closed forever with is doing some interesting things a 60Gb, Call of Duty 3, Resistance: for this week – the sequel to Phoe- proving to be the spark for a the opinion of Someone Cleverer with the Museum, petitioning the Fall of Man, and Motorstorm, but we nix Wright – Justice For All, with whole new wave of console de- Than You. The curator at Stanford’s Library of Congress and seeking to like Play.com’s pack – £525 will get more excuses to shout into your DS bate. And after the discussion Science and Technology museum preserve the history and culture of you a 60Gb model with Resistance, on the Tube. Not to mention Pimp about the usefulness of the PC, has compiled the top ten of key vid- videogaming in the future. Perhaps MotorStorm and Genji – not a bad My Ride. it’s interesting to talk to old eogames, and the choices might exhibitions like Game On won’t be package, especially when you take And one final stop press for you stalwarts – now turned over to seem a little odd. Some – such as so uncommon in the future? into account the bundled HDMI. – Microsoft’s Peter Moore has said the consoles, unhappy with the Civilization or Doom – wouldn’t be And since this is our last issue be- Releases this week are yet again the new XBox will likely release in repetition and sloppiness of PC contested by many gamers. Oth- fore the launch of the Playstation3, good news for gamers – SSX Blur 2011. Just in case you were getting design standards. ers smack a little of obviousness we should point out that the bundles for Wii owners, the long-awaited bored of the next-gen already. Take a look at our take on the debate this week – a report on the opinions of the GDC, as well as a slightly more ... opinionat- ed view. Is the PC platform dy- ing? Or will games like Spore and DEFCON keep it in place Number of poppies in as the home of innovation? If you’ve got some spare cash 15,000,000 hanging around, you might be the world of Fable 2 interested in our look at Ghost Recon AW2, too. It’s games like this that show the intensity that consoles offer, but is it just the familiar blowing shit up? When Felix returns next term, we’ll have a retro flavour to the proceedings – probably picking up on Broken Sword and its ilk at some point. Should the PC ever finally cop it, I’ll be there at the funeral. I’ll say a few words about the laughs we had, and how it sold itself out to get in with the kids, and OD’ed on Sims expansion packs at a crazy party. And then we’ll plant a copy of Monkey Island 2 in the front garden, with a little plaque. And I’ll pay a little kid to kick the XBox in his crotch. Friday 16 March 2007 felix 23

GAMES [email protected] Mexican standoff – Ghost Recon 2 Something bad’s going on south of the border. For a job like this, you need a man like Robin Andrews

elcome back to Mexico: the Ghosts are back W for some unfin- ished business, and this time things have taken a turn for the worse. One year after the coup d’état in Mexico City, the rebel uprising has spread to most of Latin America, and support from overseas nations means conflict between loyalist Mexican soldiers and the insurrectionists erupts once again; the difference this time is that it is no longer isolated to the capital city. Most of the long-antici- pated sequel takes place in Juarez, a city along the Mexico-US bor- der, and as a result the fighting is brought a lot closer to home. The player once again takes up the mantle of Captain Mitchell as the infamous Ghost squad’s team leader. Using near-future technol- ogy and high-tech weaponry your mission is to stop the insurgency. Although this sounds an awful lot like a marketing line, it is for once the most truthful way of describing this game: you do indeed have re- alistic-yet-advanced technology to assist you, and you are able to com- mand a series of squad members, as well as numerous tanks, gun- Oh, we know. We could make the Italian Job gag. We’re fully aware of it, but it’s too obvious. Too nineties. So, in its place – boooooooooner ships, and, for the first time, bomb- ers. The story, whilst being slightly less developed than that of the pre- same recipe, there are several as- Throughout the mission you are the same impact it did in 2006 it still game; the lone rescue missions and quel, keeps the game flowing at a pects of this game that mean this is given air-support for the armoured stands out amongst the next-gen daring last chances. rapid pace and gives the player an more than just an update. foes, countersniping equipment, games that exist today. The detailed Once again, the duck-and-cover excuse to be thrust into several life- The Cross-Com itself has been and several anti-air batteries to cityscapes, the immaculate charac- mechanic returns to dominate the or-death situations. updated; not only can you still see take out. After a particularly diffi- ters, the heat haze on the horizon, sequel: gung-ho players are dead Despite the fact that there are through the eyes of your allies cult mission, the sight of your ex- and, of course, the truly spectacular ones, and on the rewarding but many squad-based tactical shoot- through your left eye and view news traction is an immensely pleasing explosions really help to immerse. tense Hard setting, it is essentially ers out there, the first instalment reports and mission data through one; what’s even more draining is a The third-person perspective is a one-shot kill environment, making in the Advanced Warfighter series your right, but you are now able to visceral twist like an exfiltration be- perfect for this type of game; with manic charges towards the enemy managed to make a mark: fluid enlarge the screen. From here you ing ambushed by the insurgents. bullets literally millimetres away impossible; however, this doesn’t controls, the clever Cross-Com (al- can order your allies from their per- Apart from the brilliant squad- from your head, the screen shaking mean you’ll be retreating. Several lowing you to see through the eyes spective, and not just yours, essen- based sections and the use of satis- as hostile armour moves towards events in the game require the of your commanders, squad mem- tially allowing you greater strategic fying weaponry at your disposal, the your position, and the panoramic Ghosts to sprint across large, open bers, or allied vehicles), and varied, options when attacking the enemy. vehicles are a welcome return to view only achievable through this plains or down long, undefended intense, and consistently thrilling The gameplay never lets up its the series. The hostiles are equal- viewpoint gives the eerie feeling of streets in order to escape swarms action led to huge sales and two dramatic, heart-pounding momen- ly impressive – every time you’re being reported on during combat of snipers, vehicles or mortar fire, BAFTA Awards. And although the tum, and the incredible variety of pinned down by a tank or gunship situations. Watching vehicles storm and diving behind that well-earned gameplay and presentation is the mission objectives ensures you you can’t help but fear what will ahead of you and your squad mem- cover is always followed by a sharp never stop shaking from the sheer happen if you peek your over the bers do their best to keep the enemy intake of air. volume of adrenaline being pumped wreckage. Arguably, the introduc- pinned-down all adds up to a very The entire single-player cam- into your blood. Right from the very tion of airstrikes is the best game- authentic and realistic experience. paign can be completed on normal beginning the battle sequences are play addition: near the beginning Nevertheless, the graphical difficulty in no more than ten hours, both intense and frequent, and with of the game you’re ambushed in a splendour would be nowhere with- and by the time you reach the cin- a greater variety of vehicular-re- market area, and are forced to fend out the audio, and without a doubt ematic epilogue you’ll be asking for lated sections, you always feel as off waves of troops and tanks with- this is the best sounding game I more. Fortunately, the game also if you are part of a citywide battle, out any support; the instant you are have ever played, and where it im- excels in its multiplayer: the inclu- rather than a series of fire-fights. able to designate targets, however, proves on the original. The familiar sion of clans and many more maps At the beginning of one mission, it’s impossible not to watch in awe but overwhelming sound effects, than on the prequel bolsters the you are tasked with extracting a as a blur appears on your screen, ranging from the ubiquitous, boom- longevity of this game from weeks journalist, given two squads followed by a river of fire. ing explosions to the intricate clink- into months. The various modes on to command, and as usual Difficulty-wise, it’s roughly equal ing of your armour are still present, offer include team deathmatches, a choice of weapons and to its bigger brother, but this time but the score has now evolved into objective-based missions, elimina- squad members, rang- around it gets difficult far quicker, something to rival Hollywood. At tion and territory-based matches, ing from sniper rifles so newcomers to the tactical-shoot- times the music is minimal, and and are all excellent fun to play, and shotguns to er franchise will need to learn fast. consists of a simple drone or pulse particularly when all 16 players C4 det-packs. The graphical wonder has been in order to build up the tension; are present. Sadly, there is still no amplified this time around, and when suddenly thrown into the ac- cooperative mode for the single- although it doesn’t provide tion the drums burst into life and player campaign, which is signifi- a fantastic mixture of strings and cantly better than the cooperative wind instruments erupt. Perhaps campaign provided; however, this the highlight of the score occurs additional campaign is still fun to during the most tragic play. Oddly, the ability to take cover sections of the fluidly, an aspect so core to the cam- paign mode, is still absent here. All in all this is not only an im- provement over the original, but a surprisingly significant one and fans of the tactical shooter genre should once again take up arms and head down to Mexico – or bet- ter yet, walk down to Game and buy a copy of the second instalment in the deservedly award-winning GRAW series. Another successful “co-op” mission 24 felix Friday 16 March 2007

GAMES [email protected] GDC 2007 – The Desktop is dead... The dust settles after this year’s GDC, but who’s taken the bullets? Michael Cook checks the fallen

ith a notable ab- Home technology, allowing users to sence of half-na- interact with each other in a virtual ked women pro- world, with a virtual house, virtual W moting games, clothes and presumably a virtual and writers from Playstation3. It’s like Second Life, every fansite on the internet, the but without some people dressed Games Developer Conference 2007 as cats. was reduced to the main compo- Well, presumably. No-one actually nents of every great media confer- posed that one to Phil Harrison af- ence – wild speculation, unbounded ter the announcement. criticism, and cries of doomsday. But – and I know, I know this sto- Maybe it was the absence of E3, ry comes up every year – the most maybe it was the presence of the troubling undertones in the confer- PS3, whatever it was has made the ence came from a relatively low-key GDC’s latest event a high-stakes panel discussion on the future of event, with a lot of fresh announce- PC Gaming. ments coming through followed by Everyone’s always spelling the the inevitable slew of criticism and demise of the big grey box, and it internet “debate”. still remains strong today, but the One moment Nintendo were sti- panel – composed of developers fling all online development, the Firaxis, Epic, XBox LIVE and oth- next they announce their first on- ers – instead suggested that PC line-enabled title will be out before gaming may fade into obscurity, Winter of this year. rather than be bullied out of the First we get news that a Spore de- commercial ring. veloper thinks the Wii is “a piece of “PC gaming is in a state of transi- shit” and suddenly he’s playing the tion,” explained EA’s Richard Hil- Devil’s Advocate card to an internet leman, who went on to say that PC full of angry, oversugared gamers. gaming was being developed for I don’t know what it is, but it’s “niche” gaming. A software pirate. A-haha. It was funny when they used it in the adverts and it’s funny now. Shut up beginning to scare me. The whole He would know – the top five PC damn industry is beginning to games of the moment are all from scare me. Nokia will be releasing a the Sims franchise, and two of the claiming it had. What the media call Michael Capps, who said it “killed” “I’m the most nervous I’ve ever third incarnation of its NGage, and remain- ing five are also EA ti- casual gamers are actually playing Epic to have to make Unreal 3 been in my career,” Lionhead’s Pe- Microsoft’s Zune – an mp3 player tles. But he wasn’t in excess of twenty hours a week. multiplatform, but that PC gaming ter Molyneux told gaming website even less suited to gaming than the stupid – PC gam- What saddened me the most was was simply “falling apart”. What’s Kotaku last week. “I’ll show [the iPod – will potentially be gaming- ing hadn’t de- the opinion of Epic’s changed? journalists] this feature and they capable in its next incarnation. volved into the iD seem quite confident of what’s won’t get it. They’ll turn around And, of course, the big news of casual mire changed – their CEO, Todd Hel- and say, ‘OK, what about the big the conference – the Playstation3’s that PR was lenshead, gave a lecture on soft- weapons?’” ware piracy at the GDC, explaining Whereas publications like PC that it was this that pushed iD into Gamer, websites like The Escap- multiplatform development. Epic ist, and new-games-journalists like and iD, originally two of the PC’s Kieron Gillen or Jim Rossignol all premier developmers, forced onto attempt to evangelise the fringes consoles because of rising develop- of PC gaming and the “limits” that ment costs. are being pushed by the more auda- And the kicker, as Capps pointed cious developers, the public seem out at the panel – “Shooters are less sure, and are wary of getting doing well on consoles now. too close to their humming grey Nobody thought that cuboid. Magazines such as Edge would happen.” give it an ivory tower aftertaste, But to place the and make the simplicity of consoles blame on BitTor- a more comfortable prospect. renters alone And on the other hand, you’ve got would be a lit- Molyneux’s dilemma, dealing with tle foolish. The the rest of the media who only want simple fact is to see the big, the loud, and the that PC Gam- impressive. ing doesn’t know Back to the panel, they discuss what its doing. DEFCON and the steps it took to It’s the gam- change the strategy genre. Did it ing equivalent of a succeed because it went art-like Communist state – and shook things up? and a poorly governed “The great thing about DEFCON one at that. was its shape,” said Firaxis’ Soren If someone wants to make Johnson. “It’s important for peo- a first-person shooter, they ple to start making medium-sized make one and it gets published. games on the PC, because the PC There’s no quality control, no can do that. It’s that flexible.” hive mind, no organisation – Of course, it’s possible that the unlike consoles, with the death of the PC would be a ben- top-down organisation eficial step for gaming, moving the offered by the likes focus to sharply-designed, well-im- of Nintendo, Micro- plemented hardware and a better soft, and Sony. sense of gaming community. Games For Win- But looking back on the last dec- dows attempted to ade of innovation in games design, group PC Games one thing seems worryingly evident together, but Mi- – most things began on the PC. crosoft are unable to It turns out that the PC’s sav- claim the platform as iour will also be its biggest money their own in any churner – MMOs. They can’t be meaningful way, pirated, they can’t be sold on and and even if they – currently, at least – they’re ex- did it may be too tremely poorly implemented on late, with the plat- consoles. form in such dis- But it feels like a last defence, a array and the media falling back to the online redoubt, so split on what the PC now being advanced on by LIVE, “The thing we really needed [in Fable] ... is love” Molyneux explains. Cheers, Pete – but does anyone care? even means. Home, and a battalion of Miis. Friday 16 March 2007 felix 25

GAMES [email protected] Comment: Long live the Desktop! The PC has seen worse wars than this, says Sebastian Nordgren, and it’ll get the last laugh now too

his is a rant. I’m telling them. It’s a terrible trend, and the you this so that you don’t peak of console gaming is still far, read the first half and far less original than PC classics of T start fuming at the un- over 5-6 years ago. No One Lives mitigated crap I will no Forever, Battlefield 1942, and Half- doubt be spewing by then. Why am Life redefined shooters on the PC, I ranting? Because consoles suck. only to have Bungie sell more units I could care less if Merrill-Lynch than any of them because they (thanks for the free food!) predicts made a game with all the depth of a that 1 in 3 US households will own puddle on an average London day. a Wii by 2010. It’s still a useful sta- The things that differentiate con- tistic though, since that means that sole games from their PC coun- 1 in 3 households contain at least terparts are not clever design one bell end. Probably more, if you decisions to challenge the player, count the Xbox 360 – It’s So Revo- they’re simplifications to cope with lutionary, It’s Going In The Same a shite control system and a screen Direction! – and the PS3. resolution less than half of what Why do I hate consoles? I mean, PC gamers have been running for I did have those amazing gaming years. Even 1080p, a standard that experiences at the age of 8 on my is well out of the reach of most con- brand-spanking-new NES, and ex- solers, has already been surpassed perienced the indescribably fantas- on the PC. Games like Grand Theft tic Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Auto and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, on the Nintendo 64. However, I di- which sold silly amounts on every gress. Consoles suck because they console, flopped on the PC – not cannot in any way, shape or form because the game itself was worse drive the design of games forward. – but because PC gamers expect The truly revolutionary games of more. More variety, more depth, recent years (Darwinia, Defcon, N, more complexity, more customiz- “... I’m willing to say that consoles are Morrowind, etc.) were not designed ability – just more. for consoles. Consoles, all of them, In fact, I’m willing to go so far to nothing but a glorified home arcade machine ...” are adept at sucking the complexity say that consoles are nothing but out of any game. a glorified home arcade machine. Compare the fantastic Deus Ex to The games that sell so much on its successor Invisible War – instead consoles are graphically updated of the subtle UI, complex inventory arcade classics. Metal Slug, Street management and slow, meaningful Fighter, Gran Turismo, Dance bionics upgrade choices, we get a Dance Revolution – these are all massive HUD with a crosshair the games that used to be played at size of a basketball, a leveling and local arcades in some very similar upgrade system that gives you eve- rendition. A console is little more rything you wanted in the first 3 than a way to pay a one-off £300 hours and one type of ammo. One instead of 20p every 10 minutes to type of ammo. For rocket launch- play those fun, yet ultimately point- ers and shotguns and dart guns! less, games in the comfort of your It’s not an isolated incident by any own homes. measure, and as more and more With all this talk of the “console developers aim for multi-platform wars”, there really does seem to launches, the people suffering are be only one solution – force every- not just PC gamers, but gamers in one onto the PC. Every console is general. devolving into an underpowered The excellent Baldur’s Gate se- PC anyway, with boot menus, oper- ries was turned into a repetitive ating systems and internet brows- hack’n’slash in Dark Alliance, Halo ing coming built-in, so I fail to see was bought by Microsoft and turned where the shoe pinches. Abandon into a slow-paced shooter where your artificial constraints and con- enemies stand still for up to half a trived design decisions and join the minute, just waiting for you to shoot true gaming revolution – the PC.

Footnote – Live! on the PC? Over my Dead! body

With Windows Vista comes an- The Good service brings little else to the fray, controls, which means shooters are PC. And fighting games have been other piece of “revolutionary” as PC gamers are largely unwilling out. This leaves racing, fighting and popular on the PC, well, never. technology from those friendly There are a handful of games that to settle for less and use Microsoft’s RPGs. Console RPGs tend to be And all this without mentioning blokes in Redwood. This time, PC gamers might want to play from services – a point already proven single-player, so they’re out. Racing that Xbox Live costs money – cold, they’re going to integrate Xbox the Xbox 360. Burnout comes to by the long-dead Microsoft Gaming games, well, the PC has something hard cash – to use what is basically Live with Vista, allowing PC gam- mind, as does Splinter Cell. Gears Zone. for everyone. Burnout seems like a a tiny subset of the Internet. And ers to play all sorts of games with of War and Halo 2 would be a good few laughs, but with excellent simu- who’d want to pay to play simplified our console brethren. It’s a fairly laugh, if only to once and for all The Bad lations like GT Legends, why settle games against people who haven’t good idea, if it weren’t for one fac- prove the superiority of keyboard for less? Even if you’re after explo- yet realised that their consoles need tor: consoles suck (see above). and mouse over gamepad. The Console games are limited by slow sions, you’ve still got Flatout on the to be dusted off with a baseball bat? 26 felix Friday 16 March 2007

PUZZLES [email protected] Shady’s back – holiday hyperdoku You know what to do ‘doku fans. If someone actually sends in a correct solution mega kudos will be gained

It’s competition time – drive yourself to college in a Bimmer for a year

Thought your student loan wouldn’t in one of its cars, which are avail- and the name of the publication • Please indicate on your competi- cover the cost of having a car? Well able by the hour, and include the you saw this competition in to: tion entry if you do not wish to be guess again!! Zipcar, the world’s Toyota Aygo, Seat Leon, Audi A3, [email protected] with contacted by Zipcar in future pro- largest car-club, is offering the Honda Civic Hybrid, Mini Cooper the subject line: Felix Competition motional activity readers of Felix the chance to win and BMW 3. Prices start at £4.95 a year’s Zipcar membership and per hour including petrol, insur- Or by post to: • Entrants must be over 21 and 24 hours driving time. Zipcar mem- ance, maintenance, reserved park- have had their licence for a mini- bers experience all the benefits of ing and the congestion charge. Full Zipcar Competition mum of 1 year having a car without breaking the details can be found on the website, Kaizo bank. All you need to do is send www.zipcar.com Central Court • Winners must be available to at- an email answering the question 25 Southampton Buildings tend the prize giving event which below: Zipcar is already operating in the London will take place w/c 16/04/07 Kensington & Chelsea, Pimlico, WC2A 1AL Which of the following 4 car mod- Westminster, Marylebone, Bayswa- • By entering into this competi- els is not a Zipcar? ter, Knightsbridge, Hammersmith, The winner will be chosen at ran- tion you give your consent for your Clapham and St Johns Wood, with dom. Terms and conditions apply: name and image to be used in pro- a) Mini Cooper plans to expand further across motional publicity. b) BMW 3 London. To find the cars nearest • Judges decision is final c) Herbie you please visit the website: www. d) Honda Civic Hybrid zipcar.com • Winners are subject to approval by the DVLA and Zipcar Zipcar is bringing a cost effective Please send your answer on a alternative to travel in London. postcard with your name, address, • The closing date for this competi- Members can book and drive away email address, telephone number tion is 2nd of April 2007 Friday 16 March 2007 felix 27

PUZZLES [email protected] Wordoku Trois This Week’s Horny Goats

Complete the grid so that every row, every column and every 3x3 Scorpio (23 Oct – 21 Nov) Pisces (19 Feb – 20 Mar) Cancer (22 Jun – 22 Jul) square contains the letters B, C, E, K, M, O, S, T, U. E-mail your solution along with the hidden 9-letter word to sudoku.felix@ You’re not from ARGGGGGGHHHH- OHHHHH MISS imperial.ac.uk by Tuesday 9am. We will randomly select a win- around here are you? HHHHHHHHHHHH- LADYYYYYY ner to receive a 128MB USB stick, bubonic plague, or a crate of Well, let me introduce HHH HERE COMES MA’AAAAAAM! I love beer. You must claim your prize within a week. you to the team: over THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!! I’M Lady & The Tramp, there is Horace, he’s a GONNA STAB YOU an epoch-making film researcher into plate UP, I’M GONNA GIVE that inspired many C E K tectonic shifts and resulting animal YOU NEW ORIFICES AND THEN a homeless guy to rape a young migration; stood next to him is POUR PAIN UPON YOUR FAM- Sloaney princess. My homeless Phil, he’s technical support; and ILY! FUCKING CALL ME YOU person mentioning quota is up this U B M over there is Steve, he’s a prick. SPANISH PIG-DOG. week fuckers! Sagittarius (22 Nov – 21 Dec) Aries (21 Mar – 20 Apr) Leo (23 Jul – 22 Aug) S O You know what, my I’m an Aries, me. My I read the news today, little friend, maybe it’s birthday is 13th April, oh boy, four thousand S C T just my man-nipples which is cool because holes in Blackburn, tingling around this 1+3 is 4 and the 4th Lancashire.That’s time of year, but I feel month is April. I was what I call social jus- E K T quite relaxed around also born in 1986 and tice. See, I can do geo- you. Could we hang out sometime? 1+9+8+6 is 24 which is 13 (my graphical satire. Now I will be topi- We could go bowling and talk about birthday)+11, and 1+1 is 2 and cal: so Trident is being renewed, I E M U girls and have a few beers. I genu- 2+11 is 13! I’m magic! Now will you have a destructive weapon in need inely mean this, call me okay? please call me? of upgrading for one lucky lady. K U Capricorn (22 Dec – 19 Jan) Taurus (21 Apr – 21 May) Virgo (23 Aug – 22 Sept) Why didn’t you call I like to imagine peo- This one goes out U C T me? I was up all last ple as pigeons. Yeah, some bearded girl night waiting for you just walking around who spoke to me at to ring, I read last pecking at fag-ends their hall’s pirate par- B O S week’s Felix eighty- with gammy legs. I ty. You seemed very two times whilst wait- told my therapist this friendly even though ing for your call. Did I not make and he then began pecking at my you seemed nervous talking to me. Wordoku 2 solution Jotting pad myself clear enough? I told you to feathers. This other guy fashioned Don’t be nervous, I’ve been tested call me. I called your parents, they a house out of newspaper, actually and it came out neutral. The scien- K N O B P A S T E What the jizz do you said you were ‘out’. Call me yeah? he was just a hobo. tistic community were baffled. A B E T S O N P K need a jotting pad P E S T K N A O B Aquarius (20 Jan – 18 Feb) Gemini (22 May – 21 Jun) Libra (23 Sept – Oct 22) S A E P N B T K O for? You do realise T K N A O E B S P that every single row, What did I say? What That last horoscope I know what you’re B O P S T K E N A did I fucking say? I was a bit limp. It was thinking, you’re think- column and box con- explicitly told you to as limp as an aged ing scientistic isn’t a O T A K B S P E N tains the same munt- call me! I am now on pig’s snout when real word. Well, you’re N S B O E P K A T pills for my nerves ready for consumption wrong! Scientistic is E P K N A T O B S ing digits, right? Oh, because of you. Why in some third world a word and it means and the hidden word do you hate me? Did you get those country that only epileptics can believing firmly in the scientific Michael Chow was Wordoku 2 cham- flowers I sent? It’s not every day pronounce. If you are from a third method. Go back to pre-school pion. Keep those entries flooding in isn’t “tubesock”. Pile that I reach out. Why do you do this world country, I do apologise, if not, you mere dumbfounded child in a and we’ll keep on giving! Oh yes. of cocknobbers. to me? I’m leaving. haha, look at that dirty, skinny guy. world of superfluous verbosity.

Felix Crossword 1,377 Madra Rua

1 2 3 4 5 6 ACROSS DOWN It seems my first Felix crossword 1 Without re-ordered headgear 1 Oh my! The cows have come has been judged worthy of being (4,3) home to roost (7) the last one of term, which fills 4 I am the only one left, but there 2 Start being rearranged (5) me with inexpressable joy. And 7 8 9 are others too (7) 3 Less is more, and so is more (7) speaking of joy, there’s plenty for 7 Busy weekend? I’ll say! (5) 4 In time, the surrounding an everyone else, too! 9 Children’s limbs and barbeque upside-down gas (7) There isn’t a theme, some of the sauce (5) 5 (7) (5) words go down, and none of the 10 10 No eyes, no teeth, but strong 6 Lad knows it all, bastard (7) answers are in foreign languages, enough to kill a man (3,8) 8 Yeti! (11) so I hope that’ll help - I wouldn’t 11 My kingdom for ...a lemon? (7) 9 Meadow around each intestine want to make it too tricky for any- 12 Yellow fever; a terrible shame in leprosarium (5,6) one, since we’re not all bilingual 11 12 (7) 13 No it not be as is then we see (and some of us don’t even speak 13 Well well well, that’s where the that it, yes? (7) English). water is (7) 14 Bat out of hell, caught out by the Oh, and there’s a bonus prize for 15 Who let the dogs out? That umpire (4,3) the first person to work out where 13 14 15 16 remains to be seen (7) 15 Jewish state is real, in chaos (7) a couple of ‘special’ clues came 17 Yeti! (11) 16 Sander block caught across his from. A special bonus prize. 19 Not above a shout we hear, underside, for shame (7) Madra Rua somehow (5) 17 Never speak of “it” again (5) 17 18 20 We like our font just fine, one 18 The one true resolve of the font under God, under God, flame and the bullet is a pile of Solution to Crossword 1,376 under God (5) flesh like an unmanned puppet C D I J E Y E U N A W R E S R 21 I feel sick (7) (3,2) B R O O K E I N K C W A L L Y 19 20 22 It was there before, but before is L A C T N T P C L C T N U U O not after now (7) B I S T R O L O A U D D E R S N N R E I D O N O R R O L P T P A E R G O N T E D U M B A K 21 22 S T I S L E D R T I N U P B R D I S C O M B O B U L A T E D A N N D O T A V H O I E O N F Send your answers to [email protected] or bring this page R A L A M B C E I H T M L U S down to the Felix office in the West Wing of Beit Quad by Tuesday 9am. M G O N E E E R I E R A T R S Each week, we’ll choose a winner and offer them a prize of our choosing. B O V I N E A S N R E D R A W Mustafa Anjari is last week’s winner. This week, it’s a sack of potatoes N U T M A F O I F D B C A N O and a chipping knife, provided by the kind chaps at Vegetech over in I D E A K I P A T R C O U G H Hammersmith. Thanks, guys! C A R L ULEL LON W E E N at the union march 16th - 23rd WEDNESDAY 21ST FRIDAY 16TH

Carlsberg, Tetley’s & Blackthorn only £1.30 a pint! Reef Bottles alue Night only £1.75 (all flavours) t The Bestin London V

everythe wednesday union a

Play an instrument Want to be in a band? The Jazz and Rock Society is here for you. We have a fully equipped practise room, host regular jam and gig nights where you can showcase your musical muscle Holiday Reps Night www.jazzandrock.co.uk FRIDAY 23RD TUESDAY 20TH the easter carnival| 20:00 - 03:00 friday 23rd march 2007 ! end of term spectacular Join us at our latest Room 1 scott mills! Aleks Corr Mike Stuart-Matthews Scott Mills Playing a great selection of modern party tunes to get you jumping ALSO ON Room 2 Fri 16th Rdifay Night Live Hookah Cafe Playing chill out tunes Sat17th Alternative Music Night Tue 21st Quiz Night Room 3 Wed 21st Sin City - Holiday Reps Night Bungee Run Fri 23rd Easter Carnival Quad Multi-player Laser Quest Maze

ffG d imperialcollegeunion.org/ents Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB The Union encourages responsible drinking. R.O.A.R. Student I.D. Required. 30 felix Friday 16 March 2007

SPORT [email protected] At least we’re good at football!

Varsity Football Imperial 2nd VI Imperial Medicals 1st VI

Imperial 3rd VI Imperial Medicals 2nd VI

James Blyth

Varsity 2007 was the third year that Men’s Football has been included in the Varsity event. After two years of misery for the Medic’s they must have come into this year’s event confident of victory after the IC Medic’s 1st and 2nd XI’s having such a good year over the IC Hunk XI. IC 3rd’s played IC Medic 1st’s in the second fixture of this academ- ic year. After a tense first half the goals started flowing and IC 3rd’s found themselves 2-1 up late in sec- ond-half injury time. This was the moment in which this years Medics made their mark in Medic football history by amazingly equalising Red player to goalie: “Does this smell weird to you?” Goalie: “Look, just piss off, will you? I’m trying to stare intently at this football.” and therefore avoiding defeat to a “stunningly good looking” IC 3rd XI. let the IC 2nd and 3rd XI’s take over match then came when the Medic Captain where he asked his boys 1st XI. From there the Medic’s year got and deliver the expected trouncing. midfield put together four passes in to “run, run you heart out, run like Obviously the Medics didn’t lie even better as in both IC Medic The IC 3rd XI lined up against succession, which was alluded to by you’ve never run before,” was im- down and they put in some heavy 2nd’s vs. IC 3rd’s ‘The Hunks’ fix- the Medic 2nd XI, briefly laughed the Medic captain later in the sec- maculately timed a provided a lift tackles. But in the end their cause tures the Medics pulled off the feat then went out in the first half and ond half when he asked his team to to a slightly dejected 3rd XI who was not aided by having a ginger of only losing by one goal on both delivered a football master class. “play like they did in the first-half.” felt dissatisfied at wasting so many haired midfielder and they were occasions after getting dominated, Possession was easily maintained The second half was a lower key first-half chances. A point apiece easily beaten by goals from Jack and some would say toyed with by a throughout the team and shots affair with passing becoming diffi- left the IC 2nd XI needing only a Britton and Deji Akiboye. Deji, rampant Imperial side. In fact they rained down on the Medic goal. Af- cult on a pitch that became increas- draw to reclaim the Football Varsity himself a Medic, had decided ear- could in future be labelled perhaps ter hitting the crossbar and the post ingly cut-up. Chances were limited Cup for the third year in a row. lier in the year to play IC football the best Medic 2nd XI of all time by in quick succession Scott Greening to long range efforts, although an The 2nd XI vs. Medic 1st XI was instead as “playing for the Med- managing to score a goal against delivered a wonderful corner where IC 3rd shot was cleared off the a high quality affair. The 2nd XI ics would harm his footballing CV Imperial opposition. Only time will a Sam Rickards flick only narrowly line late on by some decent Medic defence this year has been phe- irreparably.” A choice well made tell. missed the target. Up front Matt defending. nomenal and with the leadership and a fantastic result for the 2nd Our esteemed 1st XI captain Pat Gready pushed around Medic de- By the final whistle a few of of Richy Parasram and the experi- XI saw the Football Varsity Cup re- ‘We Won the ULU Cup’ Beef then fenders at will and was unlucky the Imperial boys could stand no ence of former captains AK, Dave tained and the footballers went on rightly decided that instead of play- not to be awarded a penalty due longer, which was not due to physi- Jai and Vanni Mariggi the club was to Richmond and sang their hearts ing the Medic 1st XI with 5 men and to a lazy challenge by the Medic cal exhaustion but fits of laughter. more than confident that our 2nd out for our much loved egg-chasing himself being blindfolded he would centre-back. The highlight of the An innocent remark by the Medic XI could get a result over the Medic friends. Success at BUSA Cross Country Championships

Ed Pitt Ford and Leo Murray good. Unlike the University of London The weekend started well when all our runners managed to com- we survived the attempted murder plete the race. Imperial came 21st by the University of London, who out of the Great British Universi- managed to hire a coach driver who ties an excellent effort for our debut thought it sensible to reverse down performance, and something that a motorway against oncoming traf- can be built on in future years. fic; a coach driver who also half way The second race was the Womens through the journey asked if any- race of about 6.7344567621km, again one had brought a map with them. incorporating the World Champion- Despite this incompetence we final- ship trials. The first Imperial run- ly arrived at our luxury hotel in the ner, Harriet Scott, finished 8th in an middle of nowhere. incredibly strong field, an awesome The first race of the day was the achievement and the most out- 11.9km mens race which also incor- standing performance of the day. porated the World Cross Champs Second home was Angharad Care, trials. Imperial was led in by an out- with a gutsy run to finish just out standing manner by Wynne Evans, of the top 100 despite little training. finished 82nd overall. Making up the rest of the team was Shortly after came Miguel Bran- women’s captain Harriet Kirk, with co, in 109th with a solid perform- Lucia and Sabine on their debuts ance in his last BUSA XC. 127th for Imperial and Emily who ran place was Ed Pitt Ford in a formida- strongly, exceeding her own expec- ble demonstation of front running tations. No doubt the best female for the first lap (of many), with the XC team Imperial has ever had. people’s champ Chris Mullington The final race of the day was the not far behind in 162nd. 10 places 8km Mens B race. The lead runner The Cross Country musical statues championship gets off to a good start back was Sven wearing spikes that from Imperial being club captain caused foot sized blisters, a real Leo Murray. A few places behind team player. was first year Dave Blundell, surely rest of the team were Beit Boy Tim, in 19th. ‘purchase’ extra tickets. Last home for the team was Allan a name for the future. Not long after Wes ‘that was just my warmup’ Br- The weekend was topped off by Many thanks to Accenture, Sport who stopped on route a couple of came Christophe, and club star Rob iscoe, Aaron Mason and the legen- a party hosted by Bath University Imperial and Tutorlink (www.tutor- times for an ice-cream break – ap- Done, better known for bar exploits dary Tarik, making an all too rare who very kindly let theiving scum- link.org.uk), who made this week- parently the cornettos were pretty than actual running. Making up the appearance. The team came home bags ULU use their photocopier to end possible. Friday 16 March 2007 felix 31

SPORT [email protected] Medics squeeze victory out of IC For the 5th year in a row the IC boys had to settle for runners up medals; the medics took home the cup

EMERSON VIGOUREUX which the forwards were unable to Varsity Rugby stop leaving the score at half time Imperial 1st XV 7 10 – 7 to the medics. ICSM 1st XV 17 The second half saw much of the same from both teams; attrition in the forwards and superb attack- Jovan Nedic ing lines from the backs, carefully targeting the Medics weakness on the wings. Unfortunately, all of this large crowd gathered pressure could not be converted at Richmond Stadium into any points, due to some great to watch the 5th An- tackling and some foul play in rucks A nual JPR Williams Cup and mauls by the Medics. A try did match, a game that is come, however it was the Medic fiercely contested every year and pack that managed to get it from a this year was no exception, with very dangerous scrum just off the some ferocious tackles, fast pace Imperial try line towards the end running and a bitter rivalry run- of the game, where the Imperial ning through both teams. front row collapsed and the referee The game started and within a allowed play to continue over them few minutes, Imperial gave away a as they walked over the try line. penalty within kicking distance of With the game drawing to a close, the posts, which the medics quickly the pressure increased even fur- punished them for by getting the ther from Imperial until finally the three points. However, this did not Medics foul play caught up with dampen Imperial’s spirits and they them as their scrum-half was sin- quickly bounced back with some binned, giving Imperial a 5 minute great attacking lines and often window to mount a strong attack. breaking through the medics defen- However it was not to be and the sive line, before a last ditch tackle final score stayed at 17 – 7 to the stopped the attack. This pressure Medics, giving them there fifth win continued from the forwards and of this competition. the backs, with some fierce tack- This year saw yet again a hard les coming from both sides, but contested game, with the Medics the poor pitch conditions hindered just edging to victory towards the any aggressive forward play whilst end of the game, something JPR the backs had better fortune with was more than happy to point it Nathan Alliston and James Alford out. However every year the com- persistently breaking the line. Fi- petition does grow from strength to nally Jo Brown found a gap in the strength and the teams always pro- defence and scored a try under the vide an exciting game for everyone posts for Imperial, giving them a to watch. the lead at 7 - 3. Finally a great thank you has to With the Medics going behind, go to the players that are leaving the pressure from their large pack next year, especially to the captain increased, however the Impe- Michael Hicks, who throughout his rial forwards were not ready to let 6 years at Imperial has given every- them simply walk to the line and thing he has to he club, but his body defended with all their might. How- on the more line on more than one ever, with the first half drawing to occasion, and will be sorely missed a close, the Medics finally got the when he graduates. Thank you guys try from a rolling maul off a lineout, and good luck. CROSSWORD SUDOKU Sport pages 26 & 27 IC retain hockey cup The medics won the rugby but met their match in the hockey

However, this was not to be dem- binning Clayton, telling our crowd Varsity Hockey onstrated from the offset, with IC to quieten down, and generally mak- Imperial Ladies 1sts 6 giving balls away cheaply, not clos- ing decisions in the medics favour. Imperial Medcals 1sts 5 ing down players, nor moving to- (Someone has to like them!- Ed) wards the ball. It was only when the IC did their up most to hold on to medics drew first blood, yet again their slender lead, when they should Myra Sae-heng denying the team their first clean have perhaps carried on playing sheet of the season, that IC girls more attacking hockey. And in due After much deliberation over the woke up and started playing the course, with 5 minutes to go, IC events of the annual showdown hockey they are capable of: were punished, with Spanner find- with our arch nemesis, more com- We came straight back with a ing herself in a one on one situation. monly known as the IC medics the stonking solo effort from our be- Cleanly taking the ball and admit- following recollection of events was loved captain, Moony. Once in our tedly a bit of the player, the umpire pieced together: stride everything started to go ac- deemed it dangerous play and she Having seen the ladies 2s and cording to the books, and we were was duly sin binned and the medics mens 2s draw and win respectively, looking comfortable at half time. awarded a penalty flick! (The inci- it was the turn of the ladies 1s to However it is not IC’s style to do dent has, less kindly, been called continue to momentum in favour things the easy way, and in a hor- the dirtiest two-footed challenge of IC. Having met the medics once rible case of déjà vu the medics outside of a football pitch-Ed). before this season, and successfully scored a few goals bringing them At 5-4, this meant that medics had retained the ULU cup for the second only one goal behind IC. It did also a high chance of equalising. time the previous Sunday, IC were seem that the umpire was doing his Howard, more commonly known going into the match confident. up most to upset IC’s rhythm; sin for crunching defenders outfield, decided to take on the responsibil- ity of donning the goalie’s kit and stepped up to the challenge, receiv- ing a few hasty coaching tips from a rather tipsy ladies 2’s keeper. There was an eerie silence whilst the flick was being taken, despite Howard diving the right way, there was just enough power to get the ball in the back of the net. Only minutes remained of the match, all square at 5-5, both IC’s pride and reputation were at stake. From the push-back, IC attacked and found themselves in the oppo- nents D once again, with grit, deter- mination, a never say die attitude, and much scrapping IC eventually scored! The final whistle shortly followed with the team celebrating a victory Medics win Varsity rugby match. Yes, I am the first sports editor to that ensured IC retained the hock- have put a medic on the back page, and no, I am not proud of it! ey, varsity cup aswell as the ULU FULL REPORT ON PAGE 31 IC and medic ladies clash sticks in a close Varsity encounter cup victory at the weekend.

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