LGBTQ Safe Relationships Handbook
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LGBTQ Safe Relationships Handbook A Resource Guide for Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence and the people who support them Second Edition - 2008 835 North Street Boulder, CO 80304 24-Hour Crisis and Information Line: 303-444-2424 Outreach Center: 303-449-8623 Tri-City Office: 303-673-9000 www.safehousealliance.org Table of Contents Acknowledgements Chapter Page 1. Introduction 4 2. Defining the Issue 8 This project was funded in part by a grant from The Open Door Fund, serving the LGBT communities of Boulder County. 3. You Have Options 16 SPAN would also like to thank the staff at the Gay Lesbian Bisexual 4. Legal System: Pros and Cons 20 Transgender Resource Center at CU-Boulder, Colorado Anti-Violence Program, MESA, and Boulder Pride for their assistance and review. 5. For Youth 24 We are additionally grateful for the input of many individuals in the community who generously donated their time and expertise to this revision. 6. For Trans Survivors 26 7. Being An Ally 28 8. Information for Service Providers 34 9. SPAN Services 40 10. Resources, Readings and Referrals 44 Many barriers make it diffi cult for LGBTQ survivors of intimate partner violence to !"#$%&'()*%+'$ access help and safety, and to make choices that are best for them. These include: - fear of retribution by the abusive partner - fear of losing community ties Intimate partner violence. Dating abuse. Domestic violence. When someone you - increased isolation love and trust abuses you, you can experience a range of emotions – from anger - feelings of responsibility for, guilt and shame about the violence to hurt, bewilderment to fear. It can begin with heated words, coercion, a push or - lack of familiarity with available resources a slap. Quite often, this behavior escalates and can become a pattern of abusive - fear of being ‘outed’ behaviors. The isolation or shame you may feel, as well as a hostile political climate - lack of civil rights or being in partnerships that are legally toward LGBTQ people, may keep you from realizing that abuse in relationships recognized and protected occurs in every part of our community, to LGBTQ people of every race, ethnicity, class, age, ability or disability, education level, and religion. In addition to these barriers, LGBTQ survivors must also overcome obstacles created by transphobia, homophobia, and heterosexism. Concerns about police While LGBTQ domestic violence is becoming the focus of increasing research response (or lack of response), lack of accessible and affordable housing, social attention, it has thus far not been examined with anything near the thoroughness violence or the threat of violence, restrictive immigration policies, culturally afforded to heterosexual domestic violence. As a result, estimates of the incompetent counseling and support services, and scorn or disapproval from prevalence of LGBTQ domestic violence remain highly speculative and there is a friends or family all make reaching out diffi cult. complete lack of scientifi c research on domestic violence among transgender and intersex individuals. Although research is limited, studies suggest that the incident The common thread is a gender identity and/or sexual orientation considered rate of violence in same-gender and gender-variant relationships is approximately different from the dominant culture in which heterosexual relationships are the same as in heterosexual relationships, affecting about 25-35% of all couples, considered the ‘norm’ (‘heteronormative’). This difference from the norm depending on the defi nition of domestic violence used1. creates the shared experience of homophobic oppression and the consequences of heterosexist privilege. Since relationship violence happens within the context of The purpose of this Handbook is to de-mystify the dynamics of abusive social oppression of members of LGBTQ communities, our work to support and 2 relationships based on gender identity. It is a resource guide for anyone who advocate for safe relationships is both individual and community-based . identifi es as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and/or ‘gender variant,’ as well as for those who support, love and work with members of the LGBTQ Explanation of Terms communities. While not an exhaustive resource, the Handbook offers education about abuse within relationships, and highlights resources for victims, survivors, LGBTQ: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer. At this point in time, abusers, and those wishing to provide the best possible support to LGBTQ people this abbreviation includes many who identify outside of heterosexual impacted by violence. relationships. However, there is no single “LGBTQ Community.” Individuals who identify in this constellation have very unique experiences, and may If you are in an abusive relationship, this Handbook is a resource guide for you. not share other identities, such as race, class, culture, language, spirituality You are not alone, and will hopefully fi nd some concrete resources and support or ethnicity. In fact, most LGBTQ people have multiple identities making within these pages. This Handbook will not try to convince you to stay or leave, or it impossible to isolate the experience simply as “lesbian” or “queer,” for imply that there is a ‘right’ answer. It is simply a source of information about safety, example. education and resources. Heterosexism: an assumption that the only correct or ‘normal’ way to be is If you are an abuser and would like support in changing your abusive behaviors, heterosexual; systemic oppression based on heterosexuality. you have choices. You may fi nd that the information within this Handbook offers you a better understanding of your behaviors, and gives you the freedom to explore Homophobia: overt acts of discrimination and/or violence based on fear, alternatives. You also deserve support, and will fi nd resources in this guide. hatred, or aversion to LGBTQ people, and to people who appear to blur or violate traditional gender roles. If you are a friend or family member, victims who need support are most likely Sexual Orientation: the affectional or loving attraction to another person. to turn to you. You may be a service provider, advocate, peace offi cer, lawyer or It can range from same-sex attraction only at one end of the continuum to therapist who works with an LGBTQ survivor of relationship violence. You are opposite-sex attraction only at the other end. all important people along the journey of safety, and you can play a pivotal role in supporting victims in making decisions that are best for them. Transgender: a gender identity, not a sexual orientation. Transgender (or ! " trans) has become an umbrella term for those who identify with a gender different from the stereotype assigned to the biology they were born with, or in some way transgress the limiting gender boundaries of the majority culture. Trans people may be lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual or other identity. Transphobia: a fear or aversion to transgender people, or those who do not fi t into societal gender norms. Expression of transphobia ranges from personal discomfort, to outright violence, to systematic institutional discrimination against those perceived to violate gender norms. Queer: a word that was once and, in some places continues to be, used as an insult. However, many have reclaimed it and use the term as an umbrella for all lesbian, gay, bi and trans people as well as others who do not identify with LGBT but experience homophobia and related oppressions because of sexual orientation, reproductive anatomy, and/or gender expression. This Handbook attempts to use non-gendered language, such as the singular “they” instead of “s/he.” We will also use “LGBTQ” and “queer” interchangeably, as well as “victim” and “survivor.” Language is an evolving tool. Advocates should take note that terms are changing all the time, and the best way to be certain is to ask the individuals in question how they wish to identify. Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence (SPAN) is a human rights organization committed to ending violence against women, youth and children through support, advocacy, education and community organizing. The First Edition of this Handbook was published in 2002, and through the continued and generous support of the Open Door Fund, we are able to provide this Second Edition with updated and expanded resources. In writing the updates, however, we discovered that new information, stronger community collaborations, and more relevant and community-specifi c resources addressing violence in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender relationships are emerging quickly, so our hope is that all individuals can use this Handbook as a starting place for information, and can contact SPAN or other anti-violence programs for services, resources, additional information, and referrals that best meet your own unique needs. This edition can also be downloaded for free from our website: www. safehousealliance.org. Sources for this Section: 1. National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, www.ncavp.org 2. Mary Allen and Ann Turner, Abuse in Later Life in LGBT Communities. # $ Power and Control ,"-.!"$+$/"%0."#11). The Power and Control Wheel highlights a few of the ways in which abuse can occur in a relationship3. While no relationship or person is perfect, and many people may recognize one or two of their own behaviors on this Wheel, what makes it ‘abusive’ is a pattern of behaviors: are these behaviors repetitive? Consistent? If you are experiencing any form of abuse, you are not alone. You can call the Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) FACTS SPAN Crisis and Information Line at 303-444-2424, 24 hours a day, for confi dential support. IPV is as much a problem in same-gender and gender-variant relationships as in heterosexual relationships. Studies indicate that 30% of LGBTQ relationships struggle with intimate partner violence1. ( )"'*%" &' + # $% >%&%"%?%&7@ , The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs (NCAVP) reported 3,534 cases # $$ " A.&B%&7@)3 + of abuse in gay, lesbian, and bisexual relationships in 2006. Demographically, ! C('"%&7 85B-%2'()*+,-.