The student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London

Issue 1,410 Friday 10 October 2008 felixonline.co.uk

felix Inside Arts is back, and in style

Pages 16 - 22

Science interviews Sir Pendry FRS

Page 10 - 11

Games on a budget

Page 26 - 27

Tours, tours and more tours Palestinian

student trapped Back Page Felix reports on the Imperial student who is unable to attend this year. See page 4 2 felix Friday 10 October 2008 News News Editor – Kadhim Shubber [email protected] NUS call for nationwide ban New library on initiations opens, officially Jovan Nedić Picture: BBc News Daniel Wan joinery’, a ‘glass stairway’ and a ‘semi- Editor in chief News Correspondent transparent think-tank area.’ So, wooden floor skirting, a perspex ban- Late last week, the BBC revealed a vid- Despite being open and readily avail- nister and further segregation. eo showing first year undergraduate able to students for weeks now, the felix went along to cover the official students at the University of Glouces- ‘new’ Central Library was officially opening ceremony on the 2nd of Octo- tershire taking part in an initiation opened last Thursday afternoon. After ber, but were told to “stay out the way’” ceremony, which lead to the National a noisy two years and £11 million of of official photography. felix were fur- Union of Students (NUS) calling for a renovation, the Library sees an entirely ther encouraged to use official photog- nationwide ban of initiations. refurbished ground floor, whilst the re- raphy in our coverage of the Library In the video, the students are seen maining floors have been freshened up opening, as to avoid our seemingly lined up against a wall with plastic bag with a little more than a paint job. dirtying presence at the ceremony. Im- over their heads, whilst a male in a The provision of a further 150 com- perial’s student television station stoic Nazi style uniform shouts at them and munal desk spaces, 90 new computers tv were also turned away, have been in- encourages them to drink, leading to and a 30 seat capacity training room formed that filming of the event would vomiting. A university spokesman said goes some of the way in making up for be ‘inappropriate’. felix wonders how a formal inquiry was being launched the years of cramped and sweaty mis- explicit a library opening can be to be into alleged “bullying and intimida- ery students have had to endure in past deemed inappropriate for filming. Stu- tion” during initiation ceremonies. years. dent media was sparse with only Live! Student initiations have been in the Amongst the stock of numerous attending. media spotlight in the past. In 2003, corporate soundbites, official College College delightfully promise that Look at the world through 18-year-old Alex Doji died in an initia- releases push the idea of a ‘modern renovation will continue in aim to im- tion ceremony at Staffordshire Univer- twenty first century’ library that will prove the upper floors. This includes sity after choking on his own vomit. become the ‘cultural hub’ of College the much reported temperature prob- someone else’s eyes. Another student, 18-year-old Gavin Students at the university of Gloucestershire taking part in the initiations life. Around 50 decorative canvases, lem felix covered during the last aca- Britton died after attending a golf ini- seemingly blank or unfinished, have demic year. For now though, students tiation ceremony at Exeter University been donated by Sussex-based artist can still be seen to be cooking their in 2006. Following these unfortunate for any initiations taking part. Neil We are a charity, and so while our com- Bob Brighton. full English breakfasts on fourth floor incidents, as well as the recent BBC Mosley, Head of Sport Imperial, re-af- mercial outlets are there to raise funds, College further boasts of ‘walnut desks. report, NUS President Wes Streeting firmed this publicly in my presentation doing so is in no way worthwhile if told the BBC that: “We are totally op- at the sports captains event. our students are at the slightest risk of posed to student initiations. They put In order for a club to receive union danger.” students at serious risk and exclude funding, they have to ensure that any At universities nationwide, initia- students who don’t want to take part in person may join that club, regardless tions are mainly associated with sports that binge-drinking culture.” of ability. By having initiation ceremo- teams, with many viewing them as a so- Imperial College Union [ICU] have nies, clubs were being selective and cial bonding tool, whilst others view it had initiations banned for several would therefore not be entitled to Un- as a form of bullying. Claims have also years. In the 2007 Clubs and Socie- ion funding. ICU President Jenny Mor- been made in the past that initiations ties Policy, point 63 states that; ‘Initia- gan commented that “Our members have actually deterred students from We’ll take you there, and beyond. tion ceremonies, or other compulsory are encouraged to enjoy themselves taking part in sports teams, which was (or effectively compulsory) degrading and celebrate club achievements at the one of the main reasons for ICU to ban We are going to previously inaccessible places to find the rituals, which affects the physical or Union, however, they are also encour- them in the first place. mental well-being of members, are aged to behave and drink responsibly Back in 2006 [Issue 1346], felix re- energy that the world depends on today and in the future. not permitted. Such behaviour may whilst doing so. Any profit made by the ported on initiations after the death The Atlantis platform in the Gulf of Mexico is the deepest result in severe disciplinary action be- bars is ploughed back into the services of a student at Hull who fell down ing taken against the club or society, provided to our members, for example some stairs after consuming excessive moored floating oil and gas production facility in the world. its committee and any others involved, through club funding. The best in- amounts of alcohol. This 58,700 metric ton semi-submersible platform has over and may result in the dissolution of the terests of our members are our main Although fears have been raised in club or society.’ concern and so the Union does not the past over this matter, the main ar- 18 wells and a mobile drilling unit that enables us to get In light of recent events, Imperial serve alcohol to anyone who is drunk guments for and against remain. Real- to previously unreachable energy reservoirs. Where will College London have also informed and therefore incapable of rational istically, can there ever be an effective their staff at Harlington and Tedding- thought or action because the safety of ban, or will the ban simply cause them we go next? You tell us. Look beyond the limits. ton Sports grounds to keep an eye out our members is absolutely paramount. to go underground. Awe-inspiring; blindingly clashing canvases in favour of books See life through the eyes of our employees at our Careers Presentation, Blackett Laboratory, Prince Consort Road,

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London Imperial College, London, 13th October 2008. Starts 18.30. SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest To register for the event, please visit the Careers Service felix 1,410 Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper website at www.imperial.ac.uk/careers Friday 10/10/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2008. To find out more and to register for updates visit the Felix was brought to you by: BP WAP site by texting BP4 to 80199.

Editor in Chief Politics Editors Fashion Editor LOLCATS Jovan Nedić James Goldsack Dan Wan Katya-yani Vyas Deputy Editor Music Editors Kadhim Shubber Arts Editors Peter Sinclair Caz Knight Susan Yu

Associate Editor David Paw o f t eh W EE K Gilead Amit Emily Wilson Sports Editors Jack Cornish Copy Editors Food Editors Mustapher Botchway Louise Etheridge Rosie Grayburn Tom Culley Afonso Campos Games Editors Anthony Maina Azfarul Islam Jesse Garman Film Editor Sebastian Nordgren ® Dina Ismail Zuzanna Blaszczak Tom Roberts Jonathan Lloyd-Williams Dasha Nakariakova Science Editors Sorry about the mess in the office www.bp.com/ukgraduates Mičo Tatalović guys, will clean up before next Layout Editors Daniel Burrows week. Jemil Salami You will be charged at your normal network rate for the cost of one standard text message and for data services when browsing our site. Alice Rowlands Coffee Break Editor Jov Ravi Pall 4 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 5 News [email protected] [email protected] News Palestinian student prevented from Background on the issue 3 in 4 EMA grants not paid he case of Zohair Abu have created fear within Israel and his as a result of Hamas’ hostility is open Shaban is only the most ideological and material support of for debate. This is the main issue with recent in a series of similar Hezbollah and Hamas is seen as clear economic sanctions – the general pub- incidents. Many students evidence of his hostility to the Israeli lic get hit harder than the governing attending Imperial from Gaza are not being state. power. Those with government con- allowed to travel abroad to receive the The current cease-fire, beginning nections can come and go from Gaza Teducation they so desperately want. 19th June 2008, between Hamas and easily; usually from the Rafah crossing Kadhim Shubber reports on the complicated case of Zohair Abu-Shaban, a promising Electrical The state of the education system in Israel is shaky but holding. Israel fears As Hamas was democratically elected, the Gaza Strip is poor and for many the that Hamas is using the ceasefire to the citizens of Gaza take responsibility Engineering student who lives in Gaza only option to pursue a chosen subject regroup and rearm its forces and so it for their new government. However at a higher level is to go abroad. For a is reluctant to change its position re- most Gazans do not agree with the de- country under heavy economic sanc- garding movement in and out of Gaza. struction of Israel and Hamas’ support or Zohair Abu Shaban, tions imposed by Israel, the US, Can- There have already been breaches of rarely stems from ideology but rather the journey to achieve his ada and the EU this is hardly surpris- the cease-fire and there is no guarantee from the daily hardships created by Is- dreams has been more dif- ing. It is not possible to take PhD level that if sanctions are lifted the violence raeli sanctions, the perceived failures ficult than most of us will courses and there are few courses of- will cease. Hamas has. in the past, of Fatah and Hamas’ social work. Israel experience in our lifetimes. fered at a masters level. However, there made conciliatory comments towards is left with some very difficult choices. Now, not for the first time, a seemingly are organisations to help students Israel. In May 2003, Abdel Aziz Ran- Its actions are often seen as essential to intractableF obstacle has been placed in study abroad including the Hani Qad- tisi, co-founder of Hamas said that “the its security, however the terrible con- his way, threatening to throw him off dumi Foundation which gave Zohair Hamas movement is prepared to stop ditions that these actions create breeds A week of bad news for student finances track permanently. his scholarship for study in Britain. terror against Israeli civilians if Israel resentment and further violence. Zohair is a Palestinian; born and The restrictions on the movement stops killing Palestinian civilians ... We Preventing students studying abroad raised in Gaza City. He is 24 years old of people out of Gaza are not only re- have told (Palestinian Authority Prime could well be shooting itself in the foot, Afonso Campos equate support for all learners in need”. and his dream is to study electrical en- served for students; since declaring Minister) Abu Mazen in our meetings as education is a tool for peace. Allow- News Correspondent The NUS goes one step further and al- gineering to a level that befits his in- Gaza a “hostile entity” in 2006, Israel that there is an opportunity to stop ing Gazans to access education of a most demands a written apology from tellect. The Gaza Strip’s top university, has blockaded the area, preventing targeting Israeli civilians if the Israelis high quality and at a high level could According to an estimate by the Asso- the LSC to all students. In this letter University of Gaza, only offers electric the movement of people and commer- stop assassinations and raids and stop also help the situation. The blockade ciation of Colleges, of all applicants to the NUS believes the LSC should make engineering at undergraduate level; a cial goods in and out of the area. The brutalizing Palestinian civilians.” and sanctions pushes Gazans to Ha- the Education Maintenance Allowance very clear how students can have ac- course that he aced as top of his class. policy is in place to reduce the risk of For any government, the safety of its mas, if only because they are the only (EMA) only 25 to 30 per cent have re- cess to some sort of support while the His promise as an engineer is already attacks on Israeli soil and to improve people is a priority, so preventing pos- institution able to pay wages; often ceived it. issue is sorted out. It is also suggested apparent, he has won awards for his national security. sible terrorists from entering the state with Iranian money. The NUS has come out on record that Liberata, the outsourcing provid- innovative project, which allows heart Israel’s history has been fraught with and sharing intelligence with foreign The zeitgeist may be changing – saying that “it is unacceptable that ers for the Public Sector, “be fined for patients to be monitored at home conflict and war. Acts of aggression on allies is a reasonable precaution. Due Ehud Olmert’s recent comments on there is so much confusion around the its part in this shambles,” and that this through an Internet link. the part of its Arab neighbours and su- to the highly classified nature of intel- Israeli security were ground breaking. EMA situation”. The NUS has blasted money should be put back into Learner The Gaza Strip is not the best loca- icide attacks on civilians within Israeli ligence, it is not possible to know what But more must be done on both sides against the Learning and Skills Coun- Support Funds “to ensure the money tion for a student with limitless educa- borders have created a concern for se- the Israeli security service are worried to secure peace for the innocent civil- cil saying “it must act to boost Learner reaches those who have been worst tion aspirations and accordingly Zo- curity that takes precedence in Israeli about with respect to any of the citi- ians caught within this conflict. Support Funds to ensure there is ad- affected”. hair has sought education abroad. He decision-making. zens of Gaza they refuse to let out or successfully applied to study at Impe- Hamas took control of the Gaza Strip those whose American visas were can- rial College London, starting like other in the general election held in 2006. Fi- celled. It is also important to stress that new students on the 4th of October. nal results show that they won with 74 it is very unusual for anyone to be let He was granted a British visa with- seats to the ruling party Fatah’s 45, pro- out of Gaza, so Israel allowing students out complications and also won a full viding Hamas with the majority of the out – a practice which happens occa- scholarship from the Hani Qaddumi 132 available seats and the ability to sionally – is generous with respect to Student discounts: Irrelevant? foundation, a secular Palestinian char- Palestinian student Zohair Abu-Shaban has to fill his place at Imperial within two weeks of terms start or he risks losing it. form a majority government on their their general policy. ity that supports promising students, own. Hamas is considered a terrorist Also while Israel has veto power over Afonso Campos discounts to students to help them out, to fund his time at Imperial College; organisation by the Israel, the U.S. and the Rafah crossing at the Egyptian bor- News Correspondent and secure their loyalty”. A struggling the fees alone would be well out of the the border with Egypt, are both under ing Gaza and Egypt. 3 weeks ago, the tions crushed. He applied to Imperial any future for Palestine”. The chair of the E.U. and it has carried out attacks der, responsibility must also be placed student is likely to favour securing reach of ordinary Palestinians. Israeli control. Zohair has been de- Rafah crossing was indeed open for a after losing his U.S. visa for study at the Knesset Education Committee, on Israel for the last 20 years. on Egyptian shoulders. It is not in their A new poll conducted by Zebra Tech- basic human needs such as food and Unfortunately Zohair is unable to nied entry into Israel through the Erez brief time and Zohair rushed to the the University of Connecticut; he had Michael Melchior said “We are a na- Iran’s sponsorship of Hamas has interests either to allow freedom of nologies has found that a majority of shelter over what would economically take up his place at Imperial. He has crossing and so is unable to journey to crossing. After 26 hours waiting on a gained a Fulbright scholarship. In May, tion that for years was prevented from caused more tension between the two movement in and out of a region con- students are unhappy with the current be described as ‘luxury goods’ like CDs been unable to leave Gaza. There are London by this route. bus, he wasn’t lucky enough to be one Zohair was first told that his Fulbright studying – how can we do the same groups; President Ahmadinejad has trolled by an Islamist group; consider state of student discounts. Roughly 54% or fashionable clothing. This is prob- only two crossings through which Pal- The Rafah crossing is only open spo- of the 60 students, out of around 400, scholarship had been cancelled. In an thing to another people?” and also stated that Israel “must be wiped off Egypt’s suppression of Islamist groups of students do not think that these dis- ably very true of any struggling Impe- estinians could, theoretically, leave the radically and for short periods of time; who made it through that day. The unexpected move, Secretary of State that “trapping hundreds of students in the map”, though his true motivations within their own borders. counts are properly catering for their rial student who is already dealing with Gaza strip. The Erez crossing, in the a direct result of the chaotic scenes crossing is now closed again. Condoleezza Rice intervened and Zo- Gaza is immoral and unwise” while in remain controversial. Whatever his The question of whether Israel should needs, and do not take into account the highest hall prices in the United north of Gaza on the border with Israel this January when Hamas tore down Depressingly this is not the first hair was again hopeful that his dreams the past Israeli cabinet ministers have intentions, Ahmadinejad’s comments essentially punish the people of Gaza Zohair Abu-Shaban the current economic climate includ- Kingdom in an area of London that is and the Rafah crossing, in the south on sections of the border fence separat- time that Zohair has had his ambi- would be fulfilled. called for an end to the policy of pre- ing the pinch students may be feeling anything but student friendly. He was granted a series of visa in- venting Palestinian students who study alongside the rest of the population. The NUS still has not leveraged con- terviews at the Israeli border and was in Israeli universities from entering Students have suggested they would tracts that could really help students in then granted a U.S. visa. However, ul- Israel. rather see food and transport at dis- the way that this poll suggests it needs timately his visa was then revoked on The College, through the Interna- 'PS
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WJEFP whole” have been imposed. Preventing year Masters course, it is unlikely that travel abroad, for the most part, is one registry will allow him to attend after of these restrictions. At the core of the the two week limit. issue is the fact that, as he said, “Gaza While Zohair waits, it is no comfort has become a hostile entity, ruled by for him to know that he is not alone. a group that have essentially declared There are an estimated 600 students war”. who have been accepted into for- @ There has been significant opposi- eign universities in Gaza, this doesn’t tion to the effect of Israel’s policy on take into account promising students Palestinian students. U.S. Secretary of who have been deterred from even State Condoleezza Rice said in May, applying. “If you cannot engage young people This is an issue that should be de- and give them a complete horizon to bated at our university and felix in- their expectations and to their dreams, vites you, the reader, to send in your Zohair Abu-Shaban gives a speech at his graduation ceremony then I don’t know that there would be comments. Students are turning to baked beans and living up to the stereotype 6 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 7 [email protected] Comment Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of Felix Summer self-lovin’ gave you seven days. At least I up on your email in January. You know because four days later your placement someone like you. can say I gave you that much. I That Friend - the person who phoned begins! Sure, I did internships back in the said to myself, “Big Gee,” I said you up at the end of Freshers’ Week Ten weeks pass. You experience a day. Placements at Imperial, in fact – that’s what I call myself when concerned they weren’t preparing early mix of emotions, such as the desire to – low-paid, and occasionally quite in- If London was a call girl (or maybe not) I’m chillin’ – “Big Gee, give those enough for end-of-year exams. They’ll claw your own eyes out with a canteen teresting. But let’s be quite clear, there fools some time. They’ll come around.” ask you if you have an internship yet. spork, the wishes of death upon holier- are three reasons people do intern- don’t know if this is a phenome- chase a Patek Philippe. Such reverse IBut no. I wasn’t clear enough, it seems. You’ll answer no, of course, but this’ll than-thou colleagues who probably ships – money, your CV and money. non exclusive to timepiece-mad snobbery is likely to come amiss from A. Geek So let’s put it in the felix archives so get you thinking, and thanks to The In- have a 2:2 from Sunderland University, Money, because if you’re planning to Switzerland where I have spent someone typing with a wrist weighted I can tell the Metropolitan Police, “I credible Worry asking the same thing and momentary elation at pasta car- fricassée your sanity on the barbecue most of the past fifteen years of down by a Tissot. There. I’ve taken it warned them,” – please stop telling to everyone you know, it’ll soon whip bonara day in the canteen. But mainly of bad decisions, then why not start my life, but there is one particu- off and the gloves could potentially me what you did over summer. I can’t up a frenzy of queries and secretive ap- the sporks and death thing. early; your CV, because if you need a larly obnoxious publicity campaign that come off with it. remember the last time anyone cared plications and interviews, which eve- When you stumble back – having placement year then ‘laid some sweet Ihas assaulted my senses from every di- But I have bigger fish to fry. As ri- about anything you did, but I’m pretty ryone will always say ‘went well’ even had roughly two weeks in total not ass in Tenerife’ is not going to go down rection for as long as I can remember. diculous as the Patek Philippe motto is sure our current monarch wasn’t on if they performed worse than a quadri- working – you’re obviously going to as a productive use of a Summer in any A well-known watch manufacturer has when applied to a piece of metal you our currency. And we didn’t have cur- plegic-fronted tour of Riverdance. Not feel like you’ve wasted a considerable interview process; and money because, taken it upon itself to broadcast what attach to your hand to avoid having rency. Or a monarch. that there’s any secrecy about who’s chunk of your life. That’s fair enough. well, it seems to deserve a second men- Gilead Amit must be one of the more nauseating to look up at the sun to know when to The simple truth is that not a lot of been successful, because when you get So what you do is you dress it up for tion because you get given so fucking advertising ideas I have seen in recent check your e-mails, it’s a pretty good people are interested in how you spent a confirmed place, you’ll tell everyone. everyone else. If the team knew fuck- much of it. years. sentence. three months of your already overlong Believe me. It’s like one of those after- tonnes more than you because you’re a Less of the pretence that you did Anyone who has ever walked down And it’s ideal when it comes to de- stay on this planet, and yes, I am of school TV gameshows for kids, all it moronic excuse for a student, then say something worthwhile, please. You the aisles of a Swiss airport will know scribing London. London is not a city course talking about internships. Al- needs is an “Acceptance Gong” in the they were ‘too old’ or ‘old-fashioned’. were taken on, patronised and but- the advert I mean. It is the picture of anyone lives in. It’s a city that tempo- most all first-years will be oblivious to JCR for the freaks to smack with their If you were utterly incapable of fol- tered up in the hope that you’ll come a Man with revoltingly sleek hair, an rarily permits your existence until the these time-eating bastards, so here’s a foreheads when their letter comes lowing orders, say the work ‘was fine, back in a few years to be trained prop- impossibly well-fitting suit and, quite time has come to move on. Not even brief overview – internships come in through. but the team were hard to work with’. erly. I don’t care what your manager clearly, a capital M. He is accompanied the current resident of 10 Downing two flavours; wastes of time, and over- When that dies down, you’ll com- If you simply did sod all for ten weeks, said, where you bought the new watch by a younger version of himself of more Street (I hesitate to give him a specific paid wastes of time. How it works is pletely forget about the whole thing well, you can say you ‘learnt a lot’ at from, or how many people said you’re than usually revolting narcissism, and name: this article is supposed to be this – you spend most of the first term until the exams are over and you feel the very least. Not that that would be “such a nice guy”. You’re back at Impe- the imposing words: ‘You never actu- relevant until next Friday. Who knows Nations’ or, perhaps, the TV Guide. nificance weighs you down wherever completely oblivious to the idea of like sleeping all through the holiday. an impressive feat. Staring blankly into rial, the JCR soup still tastes like Vomit ally own a Patek Philippe. You merely what will have happened by then?) can London, however, is where my you go. In smaller cities and towns you shitting your summer down a gold-en- Except you can’t. Bright and early starts a small dish of yeast would probably ‘N Parsley, and there’s coursework due look after it for the next generation.’ truly claim to live in the city. metaphor really breaks down. Try as have the impression that you can make crusted toilet, until That Friend turns for you and your revision-addled body be a horizon-widening experience for soon. Welcome back to the real world. The one redeeming feature of these Whereas Manhattan intimidates with I might, I cannot picture London as a difference. As though you can leave posters is that they allow you to con- the ruthless grandeur of its architec- a buxom bimbo with amusing sexual a mark that will last forever. Not here. struct your own back-story for the ture and the sheer petrifying breadth characteristics; I cannot visualize any A city where you can daily walk past characters. By now, I take comfort in of its pavements (or do I mean side- act of closeness a person can have with the seat of kings, look up at the 51.6 imagining, the father will have lost walks?), London needs no such physi- this city. It is impossible to be on in- meter phallus on which a one-eyed his two million pound a year job with cal displays of domination. The impos- timate terms with a city that has sur- admiral who helped save an empire is the brothers Lehman and the son’s fa- ing nature of London comes from the vived wars, revolutions, epidemics, perched, stare at the mother of all par- Timor pestilentae noviciorum ther issues are so developed that even ruthless grandeur of its great figures fires, bombings and 5 months of Boris liaments on your way to get something his psychotherapist may not be sure and the sheer petrifying breadth of its Johnson. Let Manhattan and other cit- to eat or pass by the shrapnel-indented f you haven’t noticed yet, it’s by everyone, the number of clubs you whilst you yourself know and surren- to those who had just began a degree. whether the Electra complex applies to history. ies aggressively take you for a ride, bru- western wall of the Victoria and Albert now a new academic year. You signed up to etc. (end of thinking ca- der to those primitive urges to voice Trouble is though, if you were interest- him or not. Hey, that’s two psychology If cities were high-class escort girls, tally exhaust you and leave you spent museum is not a city anyone can be so can tell this by observing a few pacity). There is another clue that it’s a your grating and dribbley misery with ed then you probably know something references in as many weeks – there Paris would get you a good time; glee- and broken on the sidewalk (or do I arrogant as to claim to own or belong simple indicators: some of your new year though, which I’d like to just the chorus that punctuates every single about Latin and may still be fuming at must be some sort of prize for that. fully faking her satisfaction loudly and mean pavement?). London may treat to. It’s a terrifying, dominating and pencils may not have yet been dwell on a little with the sort of morbid sentence of fluid mechanics, or gastro- my ignorance; JellyBean with Latin is Maybe a buy-one-get-one-free deal on often. Manhattan would probably have you more gently, but with an impassive unstoppable city. Our admiring may chewed (or alternatively they are all fascination of a child poking the eye of enterology, or multivariable calculus like a 4 year old with ADHD trying to personalities? a book open behind your arhythmi- dignity born of knowing your complete be done while crawling the kerbs and Ialready pre-chewed from last years ex- a washed up fish with a pointy stick. It’s or whatever your particular vein of mend a Swiss watch using a nine-iron. But I’m getting distracted. The truth cally thrusting back, totally and hu- unimportance. walking the streets, but the metaphor ams), there is a strange and unnatural slimy and painful and sure ain’t pret- self-inflicted cancer is. It strikes with Still, you can’t fault my enthusiasm to is that I don’t want to spend too much miliatingly indifferent to you and your London is not a place you can mould stops there. sense of optimism in the air and your ty, but like every obstacle on the bear deadly force right at the beginning of attempt something I am entirely un- time on the overblown pretension of inadequate performance. Asking me to to your own image. It is a city that in- As we are breathlessly carried along Jelly Bean body has gone into shock at the dra- hunt, there’s no way around it, there’s every year; at the one time when you qualified to handle. the figures in the images, the inane name the book might be to get carried exorably moulds you. The city as it in its wake, all we can do is look after it matic plummeting of food quality over no way over it, there’s no way under it. still believe the coming year might be Anyway, I am not one to moan and grandeur of the slogan or the diseased away by the flow of the metaphor, but I stands today is the product of count- for the next lucky generation. the last month. (Shortly the concept You’re going to have to go through it better than the last and when a large gripe. It’s not my job to proclaim mind-set required to actually pur- would hazard a guess at ‘The Wealth of less generations, and your own insig- of ‘dessert’ will all but fade from your (90% of you in fact, according to wiki). proportion of the population are still Clarkson-esque opinions on every- under-nourished mind and become Students are, like mosquitoes, a vec- bright-eyed and fending off a little thing but the column title, but simply mixed up with vague recollections of tor of disease; carefully collecting vi- home-sickness; the metaphorical go- to bring you my thoughts and ideas on Nordic legend you have from primary ruses from across the UK, and in the nads of student life. things from a view point so far out of school. It won’t be long before finan- case of Imperial, the globe, and, bring- You’ll be told that it’s to do with pass- the box that it is beyond the bounds of cial restraints mean that 70% of the ing them to central melting pots called rates, but the real reason the number sanity and running nude, arms waving meals you eat consist entirely of tinned ‘universities’ they inadvertently create of people on your course drops so frantically for the horizon. In the past Freedom of speech tomato. But don’t worry, you’ve got a new and terrifying ailment known much every year is ‘timor pestilentae I brought you, amongst other things, a quite a number of pints to get through commonly as ‘Freshers’ Flu’ every sin- noviciorum’, the Latin name for the brief history of canoe juggling, hooty n August 9 2008, The the book devoid of sex scenes (instead The bid to destroy intellectual freedom to carry a knife. By re-hashing the is- before you realise suddenly that your gle year. It and landmines I would say innate fear of freshers’ flu that I just cream, numerous innovative methods Guardian reported that chartering the couple’s love story), but is inarguably evil; evil being a notion sue over and over through study of the loan is somewhat smaller than you are the two most pertinent answers to made up. (With a little help from the for electricity generation (one of which American publishing also seeks to honour the prophet and which religion usually seeks to quash. poem, might the allure of knife crime first thought and it’s only week three.) that most vexing of riddles ‘Why do internet and a very confused Latin involved lemmings) and inspirational giant Random House is anything but disrespectful. This aim, Do the censors not realise that by not be dampened a little? Removing a Of course there are plenty of other birds suddenly disappear?’ The symp- teacher at a party.) In case you are in- thoughts from the life an onion and I dropped plans to pub- according to Jones, is even more potent banning something that it not only poem about knives from schools only horribly over-mentioned signs of new toms are numerous, but invariably terested I thought that the use of the intend to continue presenting you with lish ‘The Jewel of Medina’ by journalist when written by a white, non-Muslim makes us more aware of the illicit text/ serves to glamourise such conduct beginnings which I’m sure will already debilitating, sometimes requiring am- root ‘novicius’ meaning [new, fresh; thought-provoking nonsensicalities, OSylvia Jones, for fear of inciting vio- woman. One has to wonder whether film/image but it makes us yearn for it even more. Taboo issues will be a cata- be annoying you. The classic freshers’ putation. The coughing and sniffing in esp. of persons new to slavery] at the amusing stories and obscure similes lence from terrorist groups. The novel these fire-bombers had even read this more? Oscar Wilde makes this point lyst for debates and intellectual discus- week questions you are being asked lectures will wind you up no end, even end there was particularly appropriate for another year. is a fictional account of the prophet hitherto unpublished novel or whether through the character Lord Henry sions – the point of and a means to Muhammad’s relationship with his they were ignorantly going by hearsay Worron in ‘A Picture of Dorian Gray’, learning. These children need teach- Caz Knight child bride, Aisha, and was accused of in the media. “when the soul gets sick the way to ers; not nannies who obviously think making fun of Muslims and their his- The politics aside, even if the novel cure it is to deny the senses nothing,” that their pupils are capable of nothing tory by Denise Spellberg, professor contained some risqué scenes that implying that to deny ourselves is to else but monkey see monkey do. Carol of Middle Eastern studies at the Uni- could possibly offend people, one needs make our souls desire that thing more. Ann Duffy made an excellent point in versity of Texas. The decision called to remember that this is fiction! I do Nothing can be truer and anyone read- her responsive poem ‘Mrs. Schofield’s Gene theory and investment banking into question the state of free speech not think that any social, sexual, politi- ing this will, I am sure, agree. GCSE’ by reminding us that literature is in the U.S.A. Six weeks later the safety cal or religious niche has ever emerged A few days before Random House littered with knife crime (hello, Romeo had to physically push past in (n)either Whitehall (n)or Washing- witnessing the maturing of civilisation? ing financial turmoil/the realisation by of Martin Rynja, owner of small, in- unscathed from the realms of fiction. If chickened out, exam board AQA and Juliet, Macbeth…). Pat Schofield, Freshers just to get through ton; it’s all those greedy bankers’ faults It’s like the life story of Dave (a wholly many that Mr Cameron is little more dependent publishing house Gibson you are likely to be offended by some- “ask[ed] schools to destroy book con- who made the initial complaint about Sherfield the other day, the evidently. If you came to this university arbitrary choice of name; Lola if you’re than a glorified speaking bandwagon, Square (which also published ‘Blow- thing it is best to close your eyes and taining knife poem”. It is clear from ‘Education for Leisure’ thought that stench of naiveté steaming off with the hope of afterwards joining an a militant feminist) as he learns to ride and the Prime Minister’s speech to the ing up Russia’ by the late Alexander ears and develop a thicker skin. I can their choice of words that The Guard- the poem dedicated to her was “a bit each and every one of them like a investment bank using the transferable a bike; there are wobbles, falls, the oc- Labour Party conference last month, Litvinenko), came into question when appreciate that if the ‘Jewel of Medina’ ian shares my opinion on the matter! weird”. It is a wonder these critics do heat haze on an third world airfield. Of skills you learnt during fluids lectures casional accident involving a car. Let’s but remain comfortably ahead in opin- his house was firebombed following was, indeed, blasphemous against Is- Carol Ann Duffy’s ‘Education for Lei- not think of better ways of articulat- Icourse there are no third world coun- as your metaphorical ace of spades, just hope this time it isn’t a kidnapping ion polls. Felix Politics will follow with his decision to publish the novel. Rynja lam then this could cause offense to sure’ begins with the line, “Today I am ing their indignation to appear slightly Li-Teck Lau tries anymore in the strictest sense of then I salute you; there’s nothing like or something. In the end, however, keen enthusiasm to see whether this was unharmed and sticks firmly to his certain parties. This would still not be going to kill something. Anything”. more intelligent so as to carry their ar- the term seeing as the Cold War is so seeing cash on the table and trampling he will be free to explore the limitless one-time ‘king of spin’ can turn the “imperative” decision to publish Jones’ a just cause for halting publication. This sparked concerns that G.C.S.E gument further. over, but I choose to use it if only to babies just to get to it. And I mean that, bounds of the universe. ruling party’s fortunes around. book. Phillip Pullman, author of the belov- children studying the poem would get It is heartening though to see fig- aggravate those among us who oft sit truthfully. As long as it’s not your baby, If money was never really your thing Did I mention that I’ve always been The critics of the novel need to re- ed Northern Lights trilogy, reinforces the wrong idea, given the increase in ures such as Rynja and poet laureate in Starbucks drinking the fair-trade then the rules of gene theory readily (and you’re very much a hardcore poli- a fan of subsistence farming? If there’s member that this book is fictitious and this point by claiming that religion is knife crime. On hearing this, my anger Michael Rosen rise to the defence of coffee option and who readily admit to support you. Society has been lax, in a tics junkie), then one comforting devel- a single lesson to be learnt from read- not an attempt to accurately portray the WORST reason to ban something. surged; that the education authorities those who are simply exercising their being a ‘liberal’. How is it that warmon- pseudo-euphemistic sense of the word, opment of recent is the return of Peter ing this column of second hand infor- history; Spellberg took issue with the He says that religion is a wonderful could be so damn patronising! Can 16 right to free speech. I think, also, that gering has become such a social faux to regulate the industry, probably due Mandelson, the hero of New Labour in mation, it’s that the world is a danger- book on the grounds that it “play[ed] thing that can be the source of moral year-old young adults not be trusted to in this climate of ever more stifling po- pas? I blame the Clintons. to a combination of incoherence, in- the 1990’s, back from exile in Europe ous, mischievous place, where bankers with sacred history and turn[ed] it into wisdom and solace but turns sour once handle controversial and very relevant litical correctness we all need to light- Alas, the political world is now em- competence and collusion, and is now to sit in Mr Brown’s cabinet. The To- cheat you and politicians molest your softcore pornography”. Obviously Spell- its leaders start meddling in the “social issues? The poem might go a long way en up and not be so afraid of offending broiled in the problems of the econo- in a phase of change. But looking on ries are on a slight backfoot after a mini opinions. Welcome to Imperial, if berg is not getting enough. Not only is and intellectual lives of their flock”. to reinforcing just how fucked up it is somebody somewhere. my. Everybody and nobody is to blame the bright side, isn’t it wonderful to be Labour bounce following the deepen- you’ve just joined us! 8 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Comment [email protected] The XX factor oday I received a man’s ra- essarily more feminine) students. This disastrous first impression. Dark Ages. zor. Great. After trawling case with the razor serves to emphasise When ‘writers’ such as Does this writer really expect wom- through the packed stands an unhappy truth Haxz0rMcRandy_1 have such absurd en to prostrate themselves before of Imperial’s Fresher’s Fair The fact is, with the rare exception, pre-conceived ideas about women, him, dressed in the lingerie he has so 2008, I have come to an women are not interested in gaming, it is no surprise that sexism remains thoughtfully picked out for them, sob- inevitable conclusion: I am the wrong porn, gadgets, expletives, alcohol- rampant even now, in our modern bing with gratitude? Tgender. induced vomit, or sexual innuendos – twenty-first century society. The ma- When female students chose to study It’s not a case of me wanting a sex- need I really continue? Women are not jority of male students at Imperial are at a prestigious academic institution change operation, I’m actually very objects for male sexual gratification; decent individuals, who should not al- like Imperial, they probably weren’t Susie Peng happy being female, despite starting at we are thinking individuals who should low themselves to be represented by expecting to read about jibes on how a male-dominated university just over be treated with respect. such misogynistic, ignorant, immature to dress! Oliver Wyman is a leading With help from: Vicky Ed- one year ago. However, during my time I have in mind here the inappropri- journalistic filth. Here we are, studying Enough is enough. It is time for the wards, Chris Woolley, Katha- here, it has become increasingly clear ate subject matter that was printed in together at an innovative, forward- silent majority to make itself known. global management consultancy, rina Reeh, Clarissa Poh, Ei that Imperial simply cannot cater to- last week’s edition of Felix. For our new thinking university – and our student Write into felix now. Make your voice Mun Chuah and Drew Thomas wards the needs of its female (not nec- freshers starting at Imperial, this is a paper airs views that belong to the heard. combining deep industry knowledge with specialised expertise in strategy, risk management, organisational About Coffee Break and Hangman transformation and leadership development. rm, so there have been a few tion that freshers are likely to see, by al- If you’re response is unsatisfactory I future I will not allow that tone to be complaints about the Hang- lowing this article to go to print what will consider taking this matter beyond printed. I have made my views clear to man section. As well as the image of the college would this project Imperial College Union.’ the Hangman team and I am sure that comment article above by to them? Do you think it’s correct to al- the section will be brought back up to Susie Peng et al. I received low a former Guardian Media Group I feel that I really need to explain the standard. an email from Chao Cui: Student News Paper of the Year to fall Hangman and Coffee Break sections to I apologise for the way the article by E to such low standards? all of you. In 2006 (same time we won Haxz0rMcRandy_1 was written, how- ‘I would like to bring to your atten- I insist that the name of the author the Guardian Award!) Coffee Break ever I have no reason to apologise for tion the Hangman article in the latest be made public, and that both he and was the satirical section, which also the theme of that particular article. The Editor issue of Felix, having read the article the Felix Editor, Jovan Nedic make a included fun games and competitions. Like I said, it is meant to be satirical. I am sorry to say that I am appalled formal apology to the entire student Hangman is merely an extension of the Some people will like it, others won’t. and offended by the content which is community at Imperial College, and satirical part of Coffee Break. Every- As for the comment piece by Susie demeaning and inappropriate even if it a guarantee that no further articles of thing that is written in there is meant Peng et al. I gladly welcome new con- were meant as a joke. It is unacceptable this nature be allowed to go to print. to be taken with a pinch of salt and to tributors to the newspaper, male or fe- for a respectable publication, to know- Such an article does the college no good be read in good humour. The writing male. So please, if you have a concern ingly adopt the view of women being an whatsoever, and merely serves to tar- in last week’s Hangman was crude and about something at college, or about object. This also the first felix publica- nish our reputation. blunt, and I apologise for that. In the life itself, then do write to us.

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my imperial felix half page ad.indd 1 10/9/08 21:13:50 10 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 11 Science [email protected] Science

Science Editors – Daniel Burrows & Mico Tatalovic [email protected] which really sparked my interest. der the hood of major advances. It said in the disordered systems For example the endoscope was in- and localisation work you were vented by Harold Hopkins, who was a doing particularly with Prof An- professor of Optics at Imperial. He real- Meet Sir John Pendry FRS gus MacKinnon, there might be ized that light entering a fibre, mapped applications with the conductiv- exactly to a point of light on the other ity of bio-molecules. Could you end, and it did not matter how the fibre Podview: science Lifting the veil on the man who developed the invisibility cloak. explain a bit more about this? Obama vs. McCain bends in the middle. This is probably the single most important advance in Mićo Tatalović Daniel Burrows Well yes... I do know what they are talk- modern surgery. Many abdominal op- podcasts review Science Editor ing about... and I think they are wrong! erations do more damage getting to the Science editor Things like silicon can come in highly problem then fixing it. There are now This week Felix Whitton reviews nature If you have read the recent news about ordered crystals. But bio-molecules are a host of operations you can walk away Parents have evolved to restricting the ‘Harry Potter invisibility cloaks’ or ‘per- not like that. For example DNA, per- from, where previously there would be behaviour of their daughters more than and environment podcasts. fect lenses’, you will have come across haps the ultimate bio-molecule, cannot weeks of convalescing and potential for of their sons in order to preserve their the name Prof Sir John Pendry, FRS, have ordered stacking of the base pairs. complications. It’s all thanks to keyhole sexual purity. a professor at Imperial College since So it can be modelled a little bit like a surgery and Harold Hopkins. Meeting the parents of one’s girl- BBC Natural History RSPB Nature’s Voice 1981. Among other things, Sir John is disordered system, which is a very dif- friend is rarely easy, as echoed in an ad behind the emergence of negative re- ficult problem which I worked on with This has impacted my life, I had for the soft drink Dr Pepper -‘What’s Philippa For- Corny title, fraction ‘metamaterials’, in which light Angus and it’s not solved today. keyhole surgery to remove my the worse that could happen?’- where rester – her off and a rather rays entering a material are refracted appendix and I walked out of the father enrols boyfriend in a wrestling the telly – takes lightweight on the same side of the normal. Would you be interested in work- hospital about three hours later. match to the horror of his daughter. us into the dark monthly pod- Materials can be constructed which ing in that field... or are you on But have you ever thought why this heart of Africa cast for bird sweep light around objects and hence Meta-materials right now? These are the stories we should be should be so? to talk to Si- fans only. That makes them undetectable. This ap- telling about Physics, Physics as the Evolutionary psychologists think mon King about said, they do plication created international media It’s very frustrating. Angus gave me Good Samaritan to the other sciences. they might have the answer. The so the new series have celebrity frenzy, captivating the public’s inter- a backhanded compliment in his talk I would like more school children to see called ‘daughter-guarding hypothesis’ of Big Cat Diaries. His team have live twitcher Rory McGrath (the ‘bearded est and it even ended up in the Sun (at Pendryfest) on this point. He said Physics like that, as a living science. suggests parents have evolved to pro- coverage throughout October of one tit’ from They Think It’s All Over) im- with the title ‘Boffin invents invisibility I did some good work on it but it was tect their daughter’s sexual reputation of nature’s grandest spectacles, the agining life as a soaring buzzard. The cloak’. ignored, as it did not fit in with the You have never diverged into and mate-value. The idea is that since wildebeest migration in Kenya’s Ma- RSPB are doing plenty of good work The BBC was closer to the mark fashions of the times. I was very cross starting a company? Have you unwanted pregnancies and rape are sai Mara reserve. Watch out for juicy such as setting up reserves in Sumatra with their headline ‘Invisibility cloak about my work on disordered systems ever been tempted? both more likely to affect daughters slo-mo shots of nature at its reddest with the help of indigenous people, and 25 days from now, America will choose the development of a novel battery. ‘step closer’’ as the cloaking technol- and now, twenty years later, people are than sons, parents were more likely to in tooth and claw. Also on this week’s recreating from scratch rare heathland the next president of the United States. So does McCain win the green sci- ogy is currently limited to a narrow doing experiments based on things we The problem with a start-up, is that it evolve behaviours that interfere with podcast: migrating moths, house mar- habitat in Bedfordshire. Both sides tout ‘change’, but there is a ence debate? Well Obama proposes frequency band and therefore making did then. I would like to get back and is very expensive on time and it is not their daughter’s sexual activities, to tins and honey buzzards, and the case www.rspb.org.uk/podcasts choice as to the nature of the change: an 80% reduction in Carbon emissions anything disappear completely in the pick up that thread, but I'm on meta- my expertise. As a theorist, even one prevent such costly mishaps. Now, the of the disappearing ospreys. Forrester’s between youth and experience, be- by 2050 (as opposed to McCain’s 60%) visible is currently unfeasible. materials right now and this is so pro- who works closely with experimental- first evidence to support this hypoth- soothing voice is the radio equivalent tween Ivy League education and an and Obama includes annual reduction However these metamaterials are ductive that is what I must focus on. ists, I am used to generating ideas, but esis has been published in the Journal of a fireside mug of Horlicks. American war hero and, frankly, be- targets. They both believe in ‘cap and already being applied to other areas. then you have to build on those and get of Evolutionary Psychology. www.bbc.co.uk/radio/podcasts/nathistory NPR Environment tween black and white. Putting all trade’ schemes; however Obama talks Special constructions of these mate- Your work on metamaterials has a piece of kit. This kit is the thing that Researchers from the University of other differences aside, how would a more about bringing the other major rials can even focus light into areas I thought Pendryfest was fantas- And another thing: you cannot listen captivated both scientists and is patented and forms the bases of a Texas in Austin asked students and This goes out McCain administration differ from emitters of the world, China, Europe, smaller than their wavelength, which tic, as I could follow many of the to a lecture and say that is jolly interest- non-scientists alike. The invisibil- company’s worth. So you are at an im- their parents to fill in questionnaires on US National an Obama administration on science? and India to the table with a technol- could break the current 60Gb storage talks even as a non-specialist. ing. I would like to do research in that ity cloak has been talked about in mediate disadvantage as a theorist. regarding parental behaviours when Living Planet Public Radio ScienceDebate2008 is a non-partisan ogy transfer program. limit on Blu-Ray devices. As Sir John What were your thoughts? field. Listening to the Brandenburg the pub and scientists have been At the end of the day you might have the students were in senior year at (their version of group which asked the contenders 14 No so very different I hear you say, says “Using conventional materials we Concertos is interesting, but we should amazed at the perfect lens, but something very valuable, which you high school. Both children and par- A weekly half- the BBC) and pressing science questions to find out. but McCain and Obama do differ sig- can’t go any further - however, negative Well I was looking forward to it, but not all take up composing. You have what I want to talk about is the can sell and make a lot of money. I then ents reported parents having different hour podcast packs a ‘helluva Obama says science and technology nificantly on their attitude on stem cell materials can beat this fundamental with some apprehension because it’s a got to feel that you are using your skills application to antennae? have to ask, what would I do with it? attitudes towards daughters. Daugh- focusing on lot’ into a mea- will be a ‘central priority’ and promises research. McCain talks incorrectly and big thing - having your old friends and and therefore earning your keep. If I was a young man with a family to ters were less likely to get permission environmen- sly fifteen min- to double basic research budgets over emotively about ‘fetal farming’, where- colleagues come back is a very emo- Yes, I think that antennae is the meta- support I might think differently, but to drive the family car, to go for a ride tal issues from utes (presumably they had to fight like the next decade including increasing as Obama promises to immediately “His international tional experience. About computers in 1969: you material area where companies may as it is, I don't. with a male friend and spend night around the a gnu for even that much science air- support for ‘high-risk, high-payoff’ lift President Bush’s ban on embryonic In the end, it was a wonderful occa- wrote computer simulations, make the first products. It is easier to over at a friend’s or a boyfriend’s house. world. Canada’s time). Plans are afoot on both coasts research. He promises a hands on ap- stem cell research which has been a leadership sion. It was a hell of a lot of organisa- but there weren't any computers make metamaterials that operate in Its been 10 years, have you de- They were also more likely to get a cur- Green party is for ‘cap-and-trade’ schemes to restrict proach with the creation of 30,000 new ‘hand-cuff’ on researchers. tion and I am very grateful to all those around then right? As we know it the frequency range and the range of cided which field is next? few and be frowned upon for holding making political inroads as the public energy companies’ carbon emissions, teachers in high-need schools. Moreover if McCain wins we are one has been at college helped organize it including anyways... material properties available at those hands, kissing or having sex with their become disillusioned by the lack of ac- but are they being allowed too much Whereas, McCain seems to prefer a 72 year-old’s heartbeat from swearing Prof Adrian Sutton and Carolyn Dale. frequencies is much greater than the I am building a link between the time boyfriend. Parents, but especially fa- tion on climate change. In Kyrgyzstan leeway? Also, British palaeontologist more ‘hands-off’ approach. He prom- in President Sarah Palin. On climate phenomenal” Oh, well we had tape and then later range of materials available at optical reversal and negative refraction. Neg- thers, thought it’s more important to people are feeling the effects of climate Richard Fortey talks about the history ises to streamline government regula- change she says ‘I’m not one though You have held a number of impor- punch cards. The first machine I frequencies. ative refraction is like a bit of negative approve of their daughter’s boyfriends change firsthand through crippling wa- of naming species, with reference to a tions, lower taxes, provide incentives to who would attribute it to being man- limit.” tant posts throughout your career worked on was punch tape - you could space and time reversal sends things than of their son’s girlfriends. Parents ter shortages, while leaders in the West peculiar family of slime-mould-eating research, but stops short of promising made’. She does not believe in abor- In another application, Boeing have (see article), how have you man- punch the holes yourself if you wanted What do you think about the backwards in time. Could they be were more likely to control what their can only prevaricate on restricting car beetles named after the Bush cabinet… a general cash figure. He does prom- tion, even in the case of rape. She is a already made prototype antennae out aged to continue to do research to change a few things. There were public's view on Physics? related? daughter is wearing. The list goes on... emissions. A sobering wake-up call – The best filler music of any environ- ise a few ‘green’ specifics including two ‘proponent of teaching’ both evolution of negative refractive material, where while still being the heads of compilers but no code libraries, so In effect, all those girls who feel their we use the resources of 1.4 Earths, ris- ment podcast this week. And that con- billion dollars every year for the next and creationism together in schools. the material’s ability to respond to a these large organizations? when I worked with problems involv- I think all too often it’s associated with I am sure that will capture some brother gets away with stuff they would ing to two by 2050 – that highlights the ludes the ‘podview’ for this week :) 15 years on clean coal technologies, And my decision is made. particular frequency is actually a par- ing matrixes, inverting them, diagonal- the areas where it carries the technol- media interest too! never manage is probably right. Now unsustainable way we live. www.npr.org/rss/podcast/podcast_detail. $5,000 tax credit for each zero emis- ticular strength. I am a fiend when it comes to rationing izing them and so on, we had to write ogy all the way through to application, we know who to blame: evolution. www.dw-world.de/dw/0,2142,3072,00.html php?siteId=4985907 sion car, and a $300 million prize for Daniel Burrows Sir John turned 65 this year and to my time. I had to cut my immediate all our own subroutines for analysis. like the military ones: radar and the Well that would be fun. It will make a celebrate his wide ranging contribu- group down to 2-3 students and a post nuclear bomb. People often don't see nice change from the cloak I must say. tions to science over 40 years, Imperial doc, so the administration was very Throughout your career you have the physics as the essential engine un- organized the aptly named ‘Pendryfest’. light. They had to be very good people moved fields every 12 years or He has had a hand in shaping Imperial who could propel themselves for long so. The first was an accident, and in his time here; by building the con- distances under their own steam. the optics was a choice. Do you densed matter group, as head of the And of course, the number of really think these things happen more Physics Department and later Princi- good sparks of inspiration you have in by accident or more by choice in Daniel’s Unmissable Science Videos pal of the Physical Sciences Faculty. In a year is quite limited. Einstein had a your career? This week - a liquid that keeps changing colour all by itself... recent years he has refocused on his re- lot but not all in one day and so there search away from administration with is a lot of space in-between. Something There is an immense amount of luck a prestigious EPSRC Senior Research is happening, but it is not happening in and accident in it. It is always impor- 5-Year Fellowship. Over his career he the frontal part of the brain. tant to realize that whatever you are has made fundamental contributions working on, in 10 years time it is likely to three major fields of Physics - sur- Say you just graduated from not to be the hot topic of the day. Plan- face science, disordered systems and Imperial College, knowing what ning to move on is an essential part of localization, and metamaterials work in you know now from all the senior career training for a scientist. The way optics. Although he just turned 65, he posts you have held, what field I work is I have one main problem I has no intention of slowing down and I would you choose? am focussed on and then I have other am happy to say that with his work on problems, like little vortices which cast time reversal about to be published in That is a difficult question. I can tell off and go somewhere else. A few of Science, we could one day celebrate his you I ended up in condensed matter them will grow into the next project 65th birthday once again. Physics by accident. Like most of my so all the time I am reading around my In the words of Sir Peter Knight who contemporaries, I wanted to do some- subject. And remember science is a bit chaired a session at Pendryfest, “One thing in cosmology and general rela- like Wall Street, it has its successes and of the things that is characteristic and tivity. I actually messed up my finals disasters just like Wall Street does. unusual about John is that every few and ended up with a 2:1, which was not If you are sensible you choose to go years he changes his field. So you can good enough to do cosmology. A con- in a direction in which you can bring point to about four different John Pen- densed matter theorist took pity on me some skills with you. Otherwise you dry’s and in each case he has made a and so I guess it was an accident. Since are back as a PhD student learning eve- world class contribution. At confer- then, I have moved fields a few times, rything from scratch. ences there are whole sessions devoted so my current field of optics is definite- to subjects where John had the first ly an informed choice. Optics is a ma- There was a throw away com- word. So his international leadership ture field of course, but there are new ment in the recent article about www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch93AKJm9os has been phenomenal.” things happening all the time. you in the Physics review letters, ICURFC Freshers say hello!

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Page 3 competition will start in November, make sure you’re ready! © UBS 2008. All rights reserved. 14 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 15 Politics [email protected] Politics Politics Editor – James Goldsack & Katya-yani Vyas [email protected] Israeli Prime Minister calls for withdrawal James Goldsack Bank. rael and Syria have been engaged in se- Some, including former Meretz cret talks since February 2007 and Mr. Senator McCain and his Ehud Olmert, who recently announced chairman Yossi Beilin believe he has Olmert is hopeful that in exchange for his resignation, last Monday stated that made a serious mistake calling for the surrendering the Golan Heights, Da- “almost all the territories, if not all the withdrawal: “Olmert has committed mascus will cut its ties with Iran territories” should be handed over to the unforgivable sin of revealing his A withdrawal will most likely leave the Palestinians to ensure peace. This true stance on Israel’s national interest 400,000 Israelis stranded in the occu- “steep hill” to victory will effectively reverse the occupation just when he has nothing left to lose”. pied West Bank and another 20,000 in The final 30 days: The political landscape has changed, forcing Senators John McCain of territories gained in 1967. Olmert Meanwhile MK Yuval Steinitz ac- the Golan Heights. The call for with- added that the withdrawal will have to cused Mr Olmert of gambling on Is- drawal and peace is a departure from and Barack Obama to rethink tactics in the final stages of their campaigns. extend to eastern Jerusalem, the future rael’s future. “Ignoring the distance comments previously made by the seat of government for the Palestin- between rockets fired from afar and Prime Minister, who once believed Katya-yani Vyas ians, a bold move as the city has long the enemy sitting on top of Jerusalem that Jerusalem should wholly be within Politics Editor been proclaimed as Israel’s “eternal, reveals how little he understands the Israeli territory. undivided capital”. basis of security,” Mr Steinitz said. Whilst reflecting on his tenure, We have arrived comrades, at the first The Israeli Prime Minister will con- Prime Minister Olmert furthered his Omert was anxious to point out that he politics section of the year. Freshers tinue in power until a new government previous comments by saying that any was “not trying to justify retroactively week is drawing to a close, time per- is assembled to take over on November peace deal with Syria would require what I did for 35 years. For a large haps for us to start thinking about seri- 3rd. Olmert announced his decision in pulling out of the Golan Heights, held portion of these years I was unwilling ous matters... like the financial crisis we July after coming under mounting pres- since 1967 after the six-day war against to look at reality in all its depth” said now find ourselves in having spent the sure due to multiple corruption inves- Syria amongst other Arabic nations. Olmert. majority of the week drinking ourselves tigations. Tzipi Livni is the likely can- “We have to reach an agreement with The fact that Mr. Olmert not only felt silly. The most common response now didate to take over the premiership. the Palestinians, the meaning of which able to make his comments, but also to seems to be to pour ones heart and Both Ehud Olmert and Defence is that in practice we will withdraw actively show disapproval for the way soul into blaming all lifes problems on Minister Ehud Barak have recently from almost all the territories, if not all the situation was handled, is perhaps a the crisis that is the ‘credit crunch’. called for a tougher stance to be taken the territories,”. change in mood he was only ready to For example, whilst standing at the against those who attack Palestinians. Mr Olmert said. “We will leave a discuss once his political career was Union Bar this week, I could not help “An evil wind of extremism, of hate, of percentage of these territories in our already over so there could not be any overhearing a conversation that made maliciousness, of violence, of losing hands, but will have to give the Pales- repercussions. my ears bleed; one young man turned control, of lawbreaking, of contempt tinians a similar percentage, because His recently voted successor, Tzipi to his friend to bemoan the price for the institutions of state, is passing without that there will be no peace,” he Livni, has been more cautious than of snakebite increasing, his friend though certain sections of the Israeli added. Olmert. Despite his brave comments, promptly and pompously reflected public,” Mr Olmert told the cabinet as It appears from an interview con- there seems little hope for a peace that it was all to do with this “blasted a Palestinian shepherd was killed near ducted with Yedioth Ahronoth, along agreement in the time Ehud Olmert credit crunch”. the city of Nablus in the occupied West with news that the governments of Is- has left as Prime Minister. Settlers march in protest of withdrawal Sorry... what?!? It shouldn’t be sur- prising I suppose when Paris Hilton genuinely thinks that credit crunch is her next filming destination, and an Imperial Fresher (you know who you are) was convinced that it is in fact a tasty cereal. Austrian far-right steal 30% in election sparking fear of neo-Nazi resurgence The point here is that this phrase is bandied about continuously, so much James Goldsack photographed giving the three-fingered inclusion within the E.U. by bashing building minarets. stream conservatives Austrian People’s is said about it but very little is un- neo-Nazi salute, promising to repeal Brussels. Strache’s current aspiration Liberals reeled in Vienna as the re- party and neck-and-neck with the So- derstood, it is simply something to Heinz-Christian Strache, former dental laws banning Nazi revivalism, filmed is to become Chancellor then to form sults of the election were released, with cial Democrats who scraped a win. It complain about. So how much does technician and bigot, has shot to dubi- in forests carrying arms and wearing a coalition with Flemish separatists, Profil describing the proceedings as “a will be very difficult for any party to the credit crunch actually affect us ous fame for leading his Freedom party military fatigues, the list goes on. “I France’s National Front, Bulgarian ex- unique case among the western de- muster a parliamentary majority, leav- students? to 18% of the vote in an early general was never a neo-Nazi and never will treme nationalists and any other ex- mocracies”. One hopes this is the case ing the choice between inviting Strache To answer this question, I took to election last Sunday, whilst his former be” Strache has insisted, yet recently treme-right nuts under the banner of although in 2002, French extreme-right into government and forming a coali- Imperial’s campus and the union to McCain has gone on the attack in the latest ‘townhall’ style Presidential debate, focusing on Barack Obama’s character boss and mentor-cum-rival Jörg Haid- while suing Viennese newspaper Profil “European Patriotic Party”. However, candidate Le Pen came a shock second tion with the Christian Democrats – a gain an insight into the student psy- er led his extreme-right party Austria’s for defamation, the court ruled that he the E.U. is not his only pet hate; Stra- in the Presidential elections and then coalition that collapsed in June after che. For the most part I was treated Future to 11%. Despite claims to the could reasonably be said to display “an che hates Muslims. Believing “Vienna was last year’s 4th place; perhaps lib- only 18 months in office. Attempting with bemused replies; “I haven’t re- James Goldsack McCain’s campaign as a prime target to return to campaigning when the time in the past Obama has been able contrary, Strache has been branded a affinity to national-socialist thinking”. must not become Istanbul”, it is no erals and left-wingers alike should be this coalition again and having it fail ally thought about it...” and “er, its al- Politics Editor for shifting a big industrial state to the crisis has been averted has seemingly to open up a small but significant lead, neo-Nazi by many political opponents Europe’s extreme-right poster boy wonder he plans to set up a ministry worried. This result in the election on can only serve to raise support for the right” came flooding forth. There were Republican column, has prevented a been forgotten, the crisis deepens yet the McCain campaign has figured out and with good reason: keeping com- has stirred up support mostly from for the deportation of immigrants and Sunday puts the extreme-right col- extreme-right, putting the Social Dem- a small number of people who were Senators John McCain and Barack major blow for Obama. The economic McCain is back on the hard sell; this a way to close the gap.” pany with banned German neo-Nazis, the 72% of Austrians who are against is pushing for a constitutional ban on lectively comfortably ahead of main- ocrats in a very difficult position. mildly irritated at rising food prices. Obama enter the last 30 days of their downturn, which has hit Michigan es- tactic appears to have been a political- Scott Reed, who ran Bob Dole’s In 1999 the Freedom Party, under A few overseas students lamented the campaigns with Obama clinging on to pecially hard, appears to be too much ly-motivated PR stunt which has not 1996 campaign, said there’s no reason Haider’s command, stunned Europe strength of the pound decreasing as it a small, but significant lead and Mc- for McCain to overcome. Sarah Pa- worked as well as his team would have for Republicans to panic. “If you look when it received 27% of the vote and means that they now get less Euros in Cain anxious to divert attention away lin, McCain’s running mate, disagreed hoped. “We’re looking to turn the page back at the last 30 days and what we’ve a place in government. This Sunday, exchange. Aside from this, the mood from the ongoing financial crisis. with this decision. “Oh, come on, do on this financial crisis and getting back been through, look at how many times under Strache, the combined far- was certainly quite uninterested. This final phase of the election prep- we have to?” Palin told Fox News, add- to discussing Mr. Obama’s aggressively things have changed,” he said. “That’s right did slightly better, meaning that Throughout my wanderings, I de- aration comes during the worst eco- ing: “I want to get to Michigan, and I liberal record and how he will be too why I still have hope.” almost one in three Austrians voted tected a definite undertone of detach- nomic crisis since the Great Depres- want to try.” risky for Americans” said Greg Strim- Meanwhile, Obama is still on the of- extreme-right. Since his youth Strache ment, a feeling that as students we sion. Not only is the economic system Wisconsin, where Obama’s once- ple, a senior McCain advisor. However, fensive in Virginia, Colorado, Florida has been heavily influenced by and in- don’t consider ourselves to be real peo- in turmoil but the military is under commanding lead has dwindled, has many Americans find the prospect of a and Ohio where Bush won four years volved with far-right politics; he was ple, we live in a alcohol coated bubble strain, fighting two wars simultane- seen a redoubling of McCain’s efforts McCain presidency with Sarah Palin as ago. “We assume all these battleground once engaged to the daughter of one above the rest of the world, union poli- ously. A vast majority of the electorate to ensure the state turning red on No- Vice-President a risky and downright states will be competitive until the very of the founding members of the Aus- tics becomes more important that na- believes that the US is on the wrong vember 4th. However, McCain is be- scary prospect. end,” said Plouffe, cautiously describing trian Branch of Germany’s neo-Nazi tional politics and there is sometimes track and public sentiment toward the ing forced to compete in Indiana, a Obama campaign manager David himself as “pleased” with the progress. National Democratic party. A master a tendency to forget about the world departing administration appears to state that has not voted for a Democrat Plouffe has said that they are still on To win the election, Obama needs of P.R., Strache managed to become beyond campus. verge on contempt. since Lyndon Johnson in 1964, where the offensive, hammering home the 270 electoral votes. To reach this total, a Vienna City councillor in the early So, it seems that the answer to the With two debates still to come (at the polls show Obama in close contention. message that if voters want another for Obama could try the one-state option, 1990s using a combination of Haider’s aforementioned question is that in time of press) the battle will get more Meanwhile, Obama has to pump mon- years of George W. Bush’s policies, they going all-out to win a big state like techniques: snappy dressing, outra- general it really does not affect us all heated with increased advertising wars ey into Minnesota to ensure Demo- should back McCain. If they want “fun- Florida or Ohio, which would put him geous soundbites and populist rabble- that much. Hoorah! and a ground game pitting newly regis- crats secure the state in the election. damental change, putting middle-class over 270 if he also held the states Kerry raising, entertaining the people. The It has been a week where Gordon tered Obama supporters against older “I don’t think it’s over, but boy, other first”, they should vote for Obama. won four years ago. On the other hand, leader at the time, Haider, quit in 2005, Brown has thrown money into keeping and perhaps more dependable voters than the vice-presidential debate, you Although poll numbers are not de- Obama could try the two-state strate- leaving Strache to continue running the Highstreet banks afloat and staving for McCain. would be hard-pressed to point to finitive, Obama has made large gains gy, winning Virginia and a smaller state the party while he effectively retired, off an economic apocalypse, as well as The landscape of American politics anything good that’s happened to Re- among white women, often cited as such as Iowa or New Mexico. Obama’s before staging a comeback on Sunday. trying to coax the banks into lending to has shifted, most noticeably in the publicans in the last three weeks,” said a key component of the electorate, as advisors are also saying there is a three- Strache is widely accepted as more each other again. Midwest, driven by the financial crisis, Charlie Cook, editor of non-partisan well as non-college-educated white state option, coupling wins in Iowa and aggressive and rightwing than Haider, “That certainly should stop the the performance of the two candidates Cook Political Report. voters. “Obama’s doing well among New Mexico with one in Colorado. he insists on calling himself a patriot. panic in terms of people wondering in response and increased doubts over The McCain campaign plans to get all the demographic groups he needs Obama has an advantage in money, “Thirty percent for people who portray whether or not the banks are safe.” said Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. These away from the financial debacle and to win,” said Peter Brown, assistant having chosen not to take public funds. national socialism as innocuous,” wrote Terry Smith, chief executive of Tullett changes in recent weeks have favoured back to questioning Obama’s inexpe- director of the Quinnipiac University This means he can spend as much as he commentator Hans Rauscher, sum- Prebon. With new schemes being put Obama. rience – criticisms that can more eas- Polling Institute, describing the Illinois raises whereas McCain is limited to the ming up “who toy with anti-semitism forward continuously, it feels like the McCain made the abrupt decision ily be rallied against Palin. Economic senator’s lead as solid. “It doesn’t mean money he receives from the govern- and develop contacts with the Serbian crisis will never be over. last week to take down television ad- issues tend to favour Democrats, and the election’s over, but McCain has a ment. The Michigan decision was seen radical party whose leader, Vojislav Oh well, I’m booking my holiday to vertisements in Michigan and shift McCain’s decision to abandon cam- steep hill.” as a move to concentrate money where ŠeŠelj, is in the dock at the war crimes Credit Crunch for some sun and sand. staff to other states. The retreat from paigning and rush back to Washing- Whit Ayres, a Republican pollster, it counts however McCain’s advisors tribunal in The Hague. Austria is tops Until next time fellow students! Michigan, a blue state once seen by ton received mixed views. His claim says that the race is not over. “Every say it doesn’t reflect any problems. Frolicking in the woods with neo-Nazi paramilitary groups left a huge grin on Strache’s face again”. 16 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 17 [email protected] Arts Culture & Arts Editors – Mike Cook, Rosie Greyburn, Caz Knight and David Paw Budding culture vulture? Write for us. well as a strong connection with the nation, but came out the other side in The Arts [email protected] characters of Brown (not the same as awe of what Greene has managed to in Ministry of Fear: a possible play on do, again. ‘Greene’) and his love interest, political True, his novels thus far often fol- refugee, Carla (a play on his then mis- low what I call the ‘Greene Formula.’ tress’ name, Catherine). Greene criti- This is the appearance of features such cised authors such as Virginia Wolf and as Catholic allusions, some small and E.M. Forster for the absence of religion some the main feature of the novel. and faith in their characters which re- Another is the single, troubled but sulted in lifeless and superficial ones. sturdy woman with whom the protag- Dip into the life and literary Greene believed that to create depth onist inevitably falls in love; references his characters must have some sort to English public schools; the protago- of religious ‘element’ in them. Greene nist who suffers from pity; sepulchral converted to Catholicism upon marry- similes and fond references to women’s ing his wife Vivien, although they did powder and other ablutions. One of Emily Wilson genius of Graham Greene not stay married and Greene went onto my favourite lines in any book would introduces us to the British writer who reignited her passion for reading have many subsequent affairs. In every be taken from Ministry of Fear, “All Arts Editor Caz Knight book I have read of his thus far the reli- the way upstairs to his room he could gion is consistently present even if it is smell her. He could have gone into Early this morning I found myself lying ot since I was a care- a passing reference to a rosary. One of any chemist’s shop and picked out her awake thinking about who I am. A lit- free schoolgirl, bereft the “Catholic” books, The Heart of the powder, and he could have told in the tle along the lines of those “I am who I of worry and academic Matter, deals with the Head of Police’s dark the texture of her skin.” Brown’s am because of everybody” adverts by burden, have I devoured perdition. Fuelled by his experience in passion is so blatant from his attention Orange, I started to think about what literature as I have done Sierra Leone during WWII, this book to such a small detail of the woman he defines me. Those of you readers who this summer. My will to read was re- is set in Greeneland proper. It is hard loves. To the less neurotic mind these have the great misfortune of being Nignited and I have Graham Greene to to finish reading this book and not feel would go unnoticed, but as I read the freshers have by now probably got sick thank for it. Like the great author’s as though we too have experienced the books in reasonably quick succession of defining yourself by name, subject name, his books are easy to swallow hammering rains of West Africa; the (Greene wrote them over several dec- and where home is. My name’s Emily, and savour, leaving you with nothing dank humidity punctuated with mos- ades), I began to see a pattern emerge. I study biology, I come from Marlow in but vivid images. Officially Henry Gra- quitoes and the padding of our “boy’s” It is a credit to his talent that such a Buckinghamshire. ham Greene (1904-1991), he was born feet on stone floors. Henry Scobie, like formula can be reused and can still Meanwhile, many third/fourth years in Hertfordshire and attended a board- Brown in Ministry of Fear, is shackled manage to create works that baffle, are faced with the impendingness of life ing school there where his father took by his pity for his once loved wife, Lou- original and make me feel as if I have after Imperial might be finding them- over as headmaster. His intense bore- ise. He yearns for peace and his wish read much, much more than just one selves defined by the contents of their dom prompted an interest in Russian is fleetingly granted as Louise departs author over the course of five books. CV. I worked in a bookshop for two Roulette which, Greene said, helped for South Africa, but returns as he Greene certainly is a genius in the years, I’ve been an Oxfam volunteer, him to appreciate life and to treat his You know you’ve made it as a writer when someone makes a film of your work starring Michael Caine and takes a mistress in the form of child way he manages to transport one to I’ve spent a summer as a telemarketer insufferable boredom which “expand- Brendan Fraser (here in The Quiet American). Graham was chuffed. Or not so much, what with being dead widow, Helen. Love quickly turns into places and through experiences with and more recently I spent a summer as ed like a balloon” inside his head. Aged pity, which doubles as Louise returns relatively so few words. Quite a con- a corporate whore. Then you’ve got to 16, he ran away from school to escape home. Scobie damns himself by con- trast to friend and fellow Catholic, pad out your CV with all of your extra- his “irrational melancholy” and later His acute ability to conjure setting in cal ideas, which are explored through explores a wide range of metaphysical tinuing the affair whilst continuing to Evelyn Waugh, author of the Brides- curricular clubs and societies – I’m an spent time with a psycho-analyst in a paragraph taking us to the exact spot the character’s experience of pity and issues without feeling cumbersome to take communion with Louise at Mass. head Revisited institution. I am in arts editor for Felix and I’m president London, a time he described as one of of the story’s backdrop is seen in The responsibility. I found myself angered get through. In the end, through his suicide, he for- complete agreement when Waugh of Imperial’s Amnesty International the happiest in his life. He had replaced Ministry of Fear, reminiscently Or- intensely at Brown’s feeling of respon- Onto Cold War politics in Russia and sakes God at the expense of his soul so said of his friend, “the words are func- Society. See, Mr. Employer, aren’t I a melancholy with normal unhappiness wellian by its greyness. That is not to sibility to almost complete strangers, Italy respectively in No Man’s Land and that the two women in his life can be tional, devoid of sensuous attraction.” well-rounded person? and this, according to Freud’s defini- say that the progression of this fantas- at the expense of his happiness as well A Stranger’s Hand, which are two no- happy in a world where he is not. At This is lean, fat-free fiction leaving This is before we get on to the Fa- tion, meant he had been successfully tic suspense thriller is a bore to read! It as sharing in Brown’s misery: Greene vellas designed solely as film outlines to times I did not feel positive enjoyment nothing but stark realism; effortlessly cebook definitions. Relationship sta- psycho-analysed. has its low moments, as does the life of has succeeded in conveying the intri- develop characters. Only A Stranger’s reading this book for it is too potent, good, although one comes out feeling tus: married to my best friend (we’re Greene’s exciting and, at times, con- anyone living in (wartime) London, the cate thought processes of his charac- Hand was made into a film. Each is no too successful in recreating human gorged, replete as if having feasted on clearly not married, really I’m single). troversial life has coloured his huge novel’s setting. Ministry features less ters. This murder mystery, with just longer than 50 pages, but once again, emotion and turmoil: I felt dragged the fatty goodness of Waugh’s sensu- Interested in: men (oh but I’m married array of literary output. Whilst work- political nuance and more philosophi- the right amount of love story added, an extreme sense of place is created as along through the grind of his dam- ous narratives. to a girl – what a conflict, tee hee!). Po- ing for Night and Day he caused the litical and religious views: champagne magazine to close after writing that 10- Graham Greene, the man himself, performs the classic “thoughtful intellectual” pose, with added eyebrow socialist and rampant atheist (I like to year-old Shirley Temple in Wee Willie be descriptive). And THEN we’re on to Winkie displayed “a certain adroit co- lists of activities, music and films… but quetry which appealed to middle-aged creating the often poor, hot, dusty and condition which greatly affected his the protagonist Fowler and Brendan who cares about that because you’re men.” His extensive travels to places tropical settings (“Greeneland”) of his writing and personal life. Fraser as the boyish Pyle, the book is all just judging me on my number of such as Mexico, Argentina, Russia, Vi- novels. Like many creative geniuses Greene found his way to my heart by set across Indochina, now Vietnam. friends anyway. etnam, Haiti, Cuba, Sierra Leone and such as Beethoven, Van Gogh, William serenading me with the political novel, Just back from the tropics of South- My point, reader, is that this is all all over Europe led him to be recruited Blake and Charles Dickens, Greene The Quiet American. Re-made into East Asia myself, I eagerly dove into Nope, we hadn’t heard of it either just the bollocks we put on paper. Sure, by MI6, as well as proving useful in had bipolar-disorder, a psychological a film in 2002 with Michael Caine as the sweltering landscape created by Timon of Athens is the Shakespeare play most people don’t know about. sees it performed all the stuff above is true, but how do Greene set in the 1950s just before the Caz Knight I really define myself? I define myself outbreak of the U.S.A.’s Vietnam deba- by my habits and my quirks, by what cle. Teeming with tales of espionage, imon of Athens made its and so he casts himself asunder to live ting a sinister makeover when played convincingly, take a dump into a hole design. I do with my weekends, and by what political twists and turns, violence, mark on Shakespeare’s life in rags in the wilderness. Upon dis- over deeper, heavier drums. and then (accidentally?) smear it over Whatever its faults, this highly origi- makes me happy. I like nights out, action, smatterings of love and even a Globe this summer de- covering hidden treasure he plans an Simon Paisley Day as Timon makes one of the senators who have sought nal and fun production has totally nights in, gigs, but not festivals, sitting happy ending, this work of Greene will spite running alongside assault on the city in a fit of bitterness a stupendous effort in portraying the him out after hearing of his discov- shaken Shakespeare up for audiences in pubs with pints of Stella. I’ve drunk make you read until the last sentence many other much more towards mankind. lavish host and carries the play through ered treasure. Such a moment shines and given them a delightful evening’s three mugs of coffee already today. has been gobbled up and then have you well known, cherished and under- The play’s negative view on excess, its comic to tragic status by his trans- in a comical sense but momentarily entertainment in an extremely differ- I buy The Guardian every morning. running to the bookshop/library/shelf Tstood of the Bard’s works. Rarely heard expenditure and money have made it an formation into the loin-cloth wearing detracts from the dialogue and subject ent theatrical setting while still suc- I organise my non-fiction books by for the next one. And so my summer of, even among those familiar with unpopular candidate with wealthy, pay- pessimist. The play has moments of matter: a point made by other critics cessful in conveying the play’s themes height of spine. I spend my weekends continued, with interludes of Joseph Shakespeare, it is a hot topic for debate ing audiences in the past and it seems lewd hilarity as we see Timon, very also in reference to the elaborate set and gravitas. mostly alone and wandering through Conrad (Heart of Darkness, Nigger among the learned as to the date of its a little ironic that Timon, rife with the art galleries or around the streets of of the Narcissus), Leo Tolstoy, a biog- creation, its creator(s) and perform- notion of lost riches, is brought to the London. I have no qualms about go- raphy on the delectable young Josef ance circumstances. Scholars are di- Globe at this time of economic uncer- ing to the cinema solo or sitting alone Stalin, before he became the nihilistic, vided on whether or not it was actually tainty. It has also been chastised for its in cafes and eating extravagant cake. bloodthirsty tyrant we all know and finished and whether playwright Tho- lack of any serious female characters I like diet coke, but not regular coke. hate, and The Guardian. mas Middleton was a collaborator with (bloody feminists). The only women I used to have a blog and I created a My next Greene discovery was un- Shakespeare on Timon. to appear in Timon are those fit soley webcomic that never got online. I hate earthed from the bookshelf of my par- Thus, director Lucy Bailey took on a for the sexual whims of the banqueters. team sports, but I’ve been to the gym 7 ents’ home, a hardback copy of one challenge by realising this complex and For those of you who care, this cast sees times in the past 9 days. of his latest works, The Captain and obscure work. In doing so she has man- many woman in roles besides those of What’s my point? My point is that the Enemy (1988). Another one of his aged to present it in a fashion that will the whores. The production’s fantastic you should think about who you are compelling political stories, it starts appeal to audiences with an appetite design team have really outdone any when you’re not a physicist or a medic out with a young boy’s removal, or for digestible summer entertainment. previous performance at the Globe by or captain of the football team. What kidnapping, from boarding school by Also described as a ‘poor relation’ to a very dynamic and interactive set de- do you like doing other than getting the Captain to a young woman’s flat in some of the other major tragedies such sign. Vulture-like, black-clad demons smashed on a Saturday night? Univer- Camden Town where he stays through as Othello, Macbeth and King Lear, this dangle down and pounce upon Timon sity’s the place to find out, and the arts his adolescence until his emergence as play is described both as a tragedy and and his friends and scuttle over the pages here in Felix are a good start. a journalist. The autobiographical al- as a problem comedy despite the death huge net which is cast over the thea- Forget what might go on your CV or lusions are clear and continue as the of its main character. Set in Athens, tre’s open roof. The churlish and dis- whether it’ll get you more friends on young man flies to Panama in search of Lord Timon is a popular, wealthy and gusted philospher, Apemantes, strolls Facebook. Try something new. Go to a the Captain, to find that his ‘father’ is generous man bestowing on his loyal through the standing audience before play, pop into a museum or an art gal- mixed up in the dealings of the Nica- friends numerous epicurean banquets making his presence felt on stage to lery, write a poem, read a book. And raguan Sandinistas. Short, even for a rank with wine and women. However, berate Timon for his indulgences. The you know what else? Write an article Greene book, this is another delight the sudden loss of his fortune sees Ti- ugly notion of greed, juxtaposed with about it and send it to arts.felix@impe- and can be consumed within a matter mon forsaken by his supposed brethren the jocular banquet atmosphere is bril- rial.ac.uk - we’ll print it. Ok, so, Russian Roulette. Greene was into it but that doesn’t mean we in the Arts pages encourage it of hours with ease. and transformed into a misanthrope liantly conveyed by calypso drums get- Timon of Athens is about an angry caveman apparently 18 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 19 Arts [email protected] [email protected] Arts

more distinctive boundaries between Let’s face it, it all looks the same. Block curator’s tour and the audioguide, like shades of black. colour on block colour, hint of haziness I might be missing the point or denying If you’re an art rookie you probably where they meet, if you can see where myself the explanation. But shouldn’t won’t like this exhibition, which is its they meet at all. Even I’m struggling to an exhibition be self-evident? It really Red squares and black-on-black flaw. It’s inaccessible and elitist (and pick out key pieces to tell you about. In really isn’t. I don’t know what to con- gets a swanky press invite to witness the arts event of the year: Rothko at Tate Modern the ticket price doesn’t help). If you room 7 we do get a sudden splash of clude here. It’s not what I’d hoped for. Emily Wilson don’t get it, fuck off. We’re not going variation. The reds get a little brighter, I have no better knowledge of Rothko to explain it to you. The exhibition yes, but now we’re getting some shape. as an artist than I did when I walked ark Rothko, born good people watching. Everybody here launches in without proper introduc- Squares and stripes and bars. All still in. I worry that visitors, including Marcus Rothkowitz seems to know each other (except me, tion or explanation. It’s difficult to get untitled, these simple pieces are not you readers, will be let down by this. in 1903 in a part of of course). There’s a lot of “DARLING!” any sense of Rothko’s life or the story distinguished from the previously very So many people will visit and hate it, Russia now actually and embracing going on. An added bo- behind his work without forking out simple pieces, but the slight contrast not get it or find it boring. But on the in Latvia, is famed nus: within 20 seconds I’ve got my eye for the audioguide or paying dedicated makes them seem so suddenly busy and positive, these paintings are astound- as one of the greatest artists of the on a young man with some exceedingly attention to the free mini guide. Upon rebellious. But in the grand scheme of ingly beautiful. I adored the blocks of Mtwentieth century. Scanning through sexy geek chic going on. Oooh. reading this for the first time (half way Art these are still almost blank, lacking dark colours on dark colours, the black a time line of his life, he was fortunate Something that will strike many visi- through the exhibition, so I kick my- in topic or subject matter. on black, more than I ever expected enough to receive fame, fortune and tors is that many of the rooms are in self) I realise the exhibition “starts” Room 8 is different again. A series of to. I could have stared into them for critical acclaim throughout much of relative darkness. This is a bit star- when Rothko was already an artist in canvases split on the horizontal into hours. They’re spiritual and thought- his career, but suffered from much ill tling at first, and doesn’t aid me when his prime. It starts with The Seagram two colours. Where the split occurs provoking. Walking through this ex- health before his dramatic suicide at I’m taking notes, but it is necessary. Murals because there’s at the begin- varies around the pieces and I wonder hibition is like meditation. Rothko’s his studio in 1970. A new exhibition It complements the painting beauti- ning of the period we’re covering. if this is significant. The colours are work is a religious experience, and I at Tate Modern looks over his later fully, adding to the rich and moody It all makes sense to me now, but I’m also different – more blue, more light understand now why the Menil chapel works, which are adored by art buffs atmosphere. disappointed. I came here eager to find grey. But the brush work is rougher, in the Houston, Texas, is filled with (this exhibition has attracted rave The Tate is clearly very proud of get- out how an artist gets to this style, this scratchier. The line splitting the col- his work. Against all my atheist beliefs reviews and universal admiration) but, ting its hands on nine of the Seagram ever-repeating format of dark colours ours makes me think of horizons, of and anti-religious sentiments, a church in my experience, are often unappreci- Murals, and the press release bangs on dark colours. I want to see the jour- looking into the distance or at the sea- would be the perfect place for these ated by the rest of us because of their on about them at length. The Seagram ney, the development. I think it’s im- side or the sky at night. You can almost soul-searching paintings. On the wall perceived simplicity and lack of any Murals were commissioned in 1958 to portant to see an artist in their context pick out objects or structures in the out by the espresso bar there is a Mark subject matter. I certainly had little decorate the fancy Four Seasons res- – within the history around them and distance like it’s a landscape. Room 9 Rothko quote that I think sums it all time for them up until now. But is this taurant in Manhattan’s Seagram build- among their fellow artists. I don’t feel is much like room 8 with canvases split up rather well: “If people want sacred exhibition likely to change minds or ing. The original commission allowed like I’m getting to know Rothko in this between two colours like horizons. But experiences they will find them here. does it merely cater for the already for seven paintings. Rothko produced exhibition. To me, an exhibition about these, again difficult to distinguish be- If they want profane experiences they converted? 30 canvases, but he withdrew from the an individual artist should make you cause they’re all untitled, are black on will find them too. I take no sides”. Before I embark upon the Rothko commission and they never made it to feel like the artist is a friend of yours, top and grey on the bottom. The can- press view, I consume the world’s the restaurant. These nine are the big- helping you to understand what they vases are slightly different shapes and smallest cappuccino in Tate Modern’s gest of Rothko’s works here. Orangey were thinking. I like to leave an exhi- sizes each time, but the colours and The Rothko exhibition is on until espresso bar (it claims to be “medium”). reds, a little brighter than some of his bition teary-eyed because the hero the outcomes are the same. Room 9 is, 1st February 2009 at Tate Modern. It would have been quite cute had it others, they involve hollow squares dies at the end. But Rothko isn’t my unexpectedly, the last room. I can see Admission is an eyebrow-raising not cost me £1.90. I may be forced to and rectangles, in contrast to the sim- friend here. I’m making friends with the exit. Usually when I reach the end £12.50 (or £10.50 to us students) keep the cup for further use just to feel ple blocks of his other canvases. They the paintings, looking deep into their of an exhibition I’m quite keen to es- but why not treat yourself to cel- like I’m getting my money’s worth. The take pride of place in both room 3 and souls, but I’m not looking into Mark cape, but today I’m left a little wanting. ebrate the start of a new year? gift shop on the same level as the ex- the press release, dominating the exhi- Rothko’s soul. I don’t feel like I’ve got to the bottom Open 10am-6pm and late night hibit has a multitude of repetitive post- bition. Chronology aside, I’d have pre- If you don’t come here with a keen, of Rothko. until 10pm on Friday and Satur- cards that don’t inspire hope for the ferred them not to be so intimidatingly Egads, it’s not a red square! Does it look a bit like the seaside at night? open mind you’re going to be bored. I feel guilty about skipping both the day, so you’ve got no excuse exhibition, and a wide range of gifties early on in the exhibition. I’d rather in that rusty Rothko red. The woolen have been eased into Rothko, perhaps scarves are rather handsome, but £45. coming to a steamy climax with them Sigh. Following on from the diminutive at the end. cappuccino, this is another example of Room 4 is a good room after my un- monetary raping by Tate to compensate easiness in the vast room 3. Here there for their free museum entry. It should are some rather charming photos of Rothko really REALLY liked his red squares. If you’re not a fan of red squares you probably won’t like the be noted that admission to the Rothko Rothko’s studio, which is the kind of Seagram Murals that Tate Modern are so proud of. And, let’s face it, you probably won’t like Rothko at all exhibition is £12.50 and for us students thing I like to see in these special ex- “I don’t want to spend it’s only reduced to £10.50. That’s a fair hibitions. Also in room 4 is “Black on independent few pints in the union. Maroon” (1958) which you can walk – he should have come up with wild hole. I adore that about Rothko. It’s like mouth of death. services. This is the second press viewing behind to view, behind glass, the back and abstract titles for the poor things) he’s working with infinity, looking into In room 6 there’s a chance to sit I’ve been to. The first (who remem- of the canvas signed by the artist. I is simpler and crisper than a stand- the abyss. Into a deep, dark, blackened down, which the balls of my feet ap- bers Duchamp, Man Ray and Picabia? like that. I also like the display about ard Rothko, and really very elegant, soul. I could get poetic here. I wonder preciate (I wore 3 inch heels. Why? my entire graduate Anybody?) was practically empty, but Rothko’s painting techniques, with a while still in the usual earthy reds and if different people see different things Because I’m very very stupid). This is this one is rammed to the gills. There splattering of art conservation exper- browns. “No. 5” (1964) is seemingly and feel different emotions when con- a good room to sit down in awhile be- are a disgusting number of film crews tise here. This reveals the technical black on black but really isn’t. The fronted with Rothko. They’re dark and cause it’s more black-on-black (and yet present, who make noise and tut if brilliance of Rothko that is so often more you look at it the more you see empty, but to me in a comforting way not black-on-black) paintings. There you get in their shot, almost ruin- underestimated. it’s actually a deep bluey purply black – like cuddling up in a warm, dark, vel- are four of them, superficially identical ing my enjoyment of the whole thing. Room 5 is another good one. “Unti- on a reddish maroonish black with a vety blanket at night. But I can imagine but the more you look the more they scheme staring at the On the bright side, the crowds of arty tled” of 1964 (most of Rothko’s work paler tinge where they meet. It is pre- for some this could be terribly morbid vary. The one on my left is glossier, the farty journalistic types makes for some is untitled, which I find lackluster cisely like staring into velvet, or a black and depressing, like staring into the one behind me plummier, another has same four walls.”

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See? More red squares. I had about 8 different press images to choose from, all red squares. I thought about flipping some round to see if anybody noticed (but didn’t, I’m a good girl) 20 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 21 Arts [email protected] [email protected] Arts

Written by Caz Knight designed by Rosie Grayburn Camden Ahhh sweet, sweet Camden. With its bridge that is home to surly punks who will swear and spit at you if The Great Culture Crawl you dare to take pictures of them! The glorious loch with flashy new eateries such as Hi Sushi and Lloyd’s bar juxtaposed with the gangs of copulating Goths further down (just close your eyes). It’s often possible to feel pretty drab and conventional in Camden even though your attire may turn heads in the Sherfield build- ing. If you do feel as if your wardrobe needs a shake up then this is the perfect place to accessorize with Chapter One – Fun (for Fresher’s) quirky tees, skinny jeans, tutus, funky tights and way way more. Anyone with a penchant for body mods (tats, piercings, scarification etc) will find top-notch establishments here to get the work done. Cold Steel for piercings and Evil from the Needle for tats and I can personally assure both are clean and professional and do a fantastic job. For the foodies Camden is a haven with lots of hidden gems serving awesome nosh. Out of selfishness I will not divulge, go and discover your own! The stalls also do cheap, greasy Chinese, Indian, Mexican etc. Which is also great if junk is what you crave. I would recommend taking time off Baker Street lectures/in between/on a day off to visit as weekends get awfully crowded and if you cannot abide slow, Plenty to get up to here especially for anyone new to London and wants to get all the standard tourist gormless walkers then going on a Saturday or Sunday is not recommended. attractions out of the way. Madame Tussaud’s houses a collection of celebrity waxworks. You can buy a The legendary Koko’s is right outside Mornington Crescent tube and puts on many live bands and club ticket for about £50 to London’s “Top 3 attractions” and get Tussaud’s, the Eye and the London Dungeons nights and is sure to feature in your social calendar at some point. If you would like a more refined evening (London Bridge tube station) thrown in. Next to it is the London Planetarium. A short walk away is one try the Jazz café which is highly recommended for jazz lovers. There is no need to say Camden offers a of my favourite London parks, Regent’s park. Serenely beautiful it also offers places to dine, pretty flow- huge range of bars which cover all tastes, the Loch being a good area. The Dublin castle is down and dirty ers and events such as a current sculpture exhibition and a Frieze Art fair which features 150 of the most and good for indie. Further down the road the Edinburgh castle is a very pleasant, calmer setting; delicious exciting contemporary art galleries in the world. It runs until 19 October. The main attraction of Regent’s food. Camden Arts centre isn’t strictly in walking distance of its tube station but is worth a visit for the café Park is London Zoo, another thing yet to be discovered by me. For some absolutely delicious made-to- and gorgeous garden if nothing else. The houses of poet John Keats and psychologist Freud are within a order paninis then outside the park’s north-western corner is a little café on Wellington Road. The name quarter of a mile radius. escapes me and so you will have to persevere. Apologies if you stumble across the wrong establishment and get food poisoning. Man up. On the up side London’s best public convenience 2008 is moments away up the road!

Southbank Accessible from about 6 tube stops, South Bank spans a large chunk of the river and is a very pretty place to go for a wander if only to soak up some of the ambience. Glorious on a sunny day and also gorgeous at night to see the twinkling lights of London reflected on the Thames. Crossing any bridge and looking east, St Paul’s can be seen in all its splendour set against the City’s backdrop which is oddly peaceful. The London Eye is here for those wanting a different perspective on the city. The Eye is another spectacular thing to behold at night when it is lit up with pretty colours. The London Aquarium has its home by Westminster Bridge and for something a little more ‘cultural’ the South Bank offers everything. Here lies the National Film Theatre, the National Theatre, the Hayward Gallery (always something random and quirky going on here as well the more conventional arts) and a book market. There are lots of bars and restaurants, Benugo is particularly delicious for sumptuous Maris piper potato wedges, but don’t expect student prices! Any sk8er boiz (or girls) among you may like to hear that there is a much frequented area South Kensington and beautifully graffitied area for skaters and skateboarders. Big Ben and all that jazz is not far What shall I do to fill those hours between lectures? Go to the library and go over my lecture? Not a chance! It if you feel like soaking up some British Heritage. is a theory of mine that to work hard and succeed one needs a peaceful and happy mind and so rest, leisure and pleasure and mandatory. If this comes to you in the form of said library studies then this is will be great for your degree. If not, there is much to distract you within the realms of South Kensington. For one, Kensington Gardens is directly opposite the Royal Albert Hall which is located right next to Beit Hall of residence. This park I like to refer to as Hyde Park’s younger and much more beautiful sister. Hyde Park is alright for running and has a pretty section but is, in fact, just a patch of grass. Kensington Garden feels a lot wilder and overgrown which will come as welcome relief if you are missing your more rural homes. The Serpentine art gallery is located within the parks perimeter and is currently showing Richter’s art. (As in the ‘Richter scale’ except this is a different Richter). The three big museums cannot have escaped your notice. The Science Museum, The Natural History Museum and the Victoria and Albert Museum offer something for each and every taste and are also the cause of the gross over population of children around Imperial on the weekdays. Each museum is free and Felix can provide press Brixton tickets for special exhibitions at the V&A in exchanged for your words on what’s there and whether its worth OK, OK, normally it is more famous for an evening’s shooting in McDonald’s and it’s pretty seeing. easy to score drugs outside the tube station (remember everything in moderation), but Brix- ton has its charms and I find myself oddly fond of it. It has a large number of more grimy, underground dance clubs many opening their doors when others are in the process of closing. It also offers a surprising number of very charming and smart bars which you’d expect more from Fulham Road. Dogstar in Coldharbour Lane is an example of this, serving up banging tunes alongside tasty Mexican food. Further up this road Joy Boutique sells a quirky range and men and women’s clothing as well as a random range of novelty items. If you’re partial to delectable Caribbean food then Brixton, well known for its African and Carribbean popula- tion will definitely fill your needs. It has its own market a few paces up from the tube and its place on the Victoria Line means its extremely easy to reach from central London. Another of my favourite Brixton haunts is the Ritzy Cinema which shows an excellent selection of films Soho (both Limited and Nationwide release) and has a harming bar selling alcohol which can be Ensconced between the grandeur of Mayfair, the retailers of Oxford Street and Theatreland, consumed in its screens. The food upstairs in the café is truly delish too and even if you are Soho is made up of quaint criss-crossing (largely) pedestrian streets and is regarded as the not planning on seeing a movie, the Ritzy is worth visiting for this reason alone. centre of London’s colossal gay scene. Here you will never be want of something to amuse The Carling Academy will almost certainly have something to tempt you whether it’s rock or you whether it’s an especially flamboyant queen, irresistible boutique, mouth-watering café, dance music or reggae and it’s a brilliant venue. restaurant or vibrant bar. Sex shops aplenty, gays, girls and straights alike will find things that One very unique club in Brixton is Mass which used to be an old church and now plays float their boat here. Girls, Paradiso Boutique in Old Compton Street has underwear to die for home to the fetish club Torture Garden. University is a time of experimentation and doing and check out Moaz next door for awesome falafel. things we will look back on with either shame or pride and this club night is a perfect way to Soho pretty much overlaps onto theatre-land; the West End. As a London student you are prob- discover any hidden fantasies that might lurk beneath your seemingly tame scientist’s exte- ably the luckiest people in the world in terms of just how much the city has to offer you in terms of rior. As fetish clubs go this is pretty mainstream and it is more about the fancy dress rather entertainment. The shows on at any time in the West End will cater for everyone, especially those than whips and chains. By fancy dress ANYTHING goes, let your imagination run riot. The who abhor the musical, commercialised shit churned out for tourists. Stuck for where to begin? only thing unacceptable is ‘streetwear’ (jeans, shirts and the like). Inside you will find every- We artsy editors here at Felix will point you in the right direction and even give you free theatre one to be down to earth, open minded and friendly which is more than can be said for most tickets. All you have to do is muster your finest writing skills and produce a review! of your ‘standard’ club nights. For the less theatrically inclined, the Royal Academy is a hop over Piccadilly Circus in Piccadilly itself and houses some beautiful collections of painting, sculpture and more and is always sure to have a stupendous paying exhibition on at anytime. I even saw Sir Stephen Fry walking out in the summer. Swoon. Again, press tickets can be arranged for you as Felix writers. The Photographer’s Gallery will be a treat for those who love photography and it is also free and situated in Great Newport Street adjacent to Leicester Square tube station. Otherwise stay clear of Leicester Square as it’s nothing but a hive of tacky tourist attractions (Ripley’s Believe it or Not). However, if that is just what your in the mood for, jump right in. The Trocadero is home to sex museum Amora which is actually worth a look (although admission is £12), great for a first date, believe me! 22 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 23 Arts [email protected] Live from Bosnia and Herzegovina Lucy Harrold joins “homos and hen nights” for Eurovision-based fun, frolicks, fisting and a singing turnip

s I entered the theatre, toupee. This set up was all to make us not even having a ticket believe we were part of the audience at that time, I was greeted for the Eurovision Song Contest taking by smiley men urging me place in Sarajevo, Serbia-Montenegro to take a badge and a bar- and it worked! They even had Sir Terry rage of women who looked like rejects Wogan appear in a video intro, thus Afrom the Claire’s Accessories bargain giving kudos in the eyes of the Eurovi- bin advising me my night would not be sion fans. complete without a flag or a clacker or And so to the show itself; the general a strange glowing hooter. Once I finally premise of the Eurovision Song Con- got my ticket and found my seat I be- test (in case you didn’t know) is that gan to feel rather apprehensive about each country presents a song and then the evening, not helped by the sounds all the other countries vote for their fa- of said clackers and strange glowing vourite, or their neighbour, or anyone hooters, and people generally shout- but the UK. The Eurovision Song Con- ing at each other. My companion, Dale, test is well known for its cheesy dance and I both agreed this would be a night routines, dodgy lyrics and removal of at the theatre unlike any other as we clothes part way through routines. Eu- compared the countries we would be robeat has this and much more. Also representing according badges given at like the Eurovision Song Contest, Eu- the door; I had Sweden and my friend robeat had some songs that I found re- had Italy. ally dull, such as Iceland’s take on Bjork I don’t know why I chose Sweden, I and Germany’s attempt at a Kraftwerk guess it has something to do with my cum performance art type piece which love for Ikea, meatballs and ABBA Dale found uproarious but I didn’t get (but NOT Mamma Mia, if any of you at all. mention that film I will not be happy). Then there were some songs that I have always loved Eurovision and so were absolute genius, my favourite wanted to see if this “Almost Eurovi- being Poland - the eventual winner of sion” would live up to the reality and the evening. Poland’s entry was “To- my friend, although a fan of musical gether Again” performed by Toomas theatre, had never been impressed by Jerker and the Hard Pole Dancers Eurovision so needed to be converted (great name, I know) and is probably to this most tacky of art forms. the campest thing I’ve ever seen. This So far so much like a night at the un- production number included every- ion, but as the curtain raised to reveal thing you could ever want: men danc- the stage, crammed with as much glit- ing with briefcases then stripping off ter as is humanly possible, I realised their business suits to reveal spandex You might have guessed that a Eurovision musical was going to be a little bit camp and these sexy, young perhaps this won’t be so bad after all. unitards, a cute lead singer and a danc- Polish chaps provide conclusive evidence of that fact. Then our hosts for the evening entered: ing routine that involved fisting (Dale Boyka, an ex-Olympic pole vaulter almost had a fit at this point). cum lifestyle programme presenter We both decided we were in love robeat producers have taken advantage to cast your vote. I, of course, man- I also found that a bright, raucous played by the hilarious Mel Giedroyc, with Toomas Jerker and would be vot- of the fact we all own a mobile phone aged to cock this up by trying to vote production didn’t sit well in ornate and Sergei, a children’s TV presenter ing for the Poles, having the chance to to create a live voting system whereby for Sweden and genuinely felt a bit of a Novello theatre and the atmosphere played by Les Dennis and his hilarious do so just before the interval. The Eu- you text your three favourite countries twat given that this was make believe. just felt strange. We were encouraged We returned after the interval to to talk after the productions, discuss find out the results and to see the half our views, interact and generally make time entertainment, which was a side- lots of noise; something that disagrees splitting tale about the joys of Sarajevo with my theatre-going etiquette. I was sung by Boyka dressed as a turnip. By fine once I got over the fact that I was the time we reached the live results I allowed to whoop and laugh until I was actually really excited. The results was hoarse. The audience was also a were given via a large video screen strange mix of both traditional theatre with the ensemble members as the goers and what my friend referred to as different correspondents, from the “homos and hen nights”. incomprehensible Irish reporter to This is one of Eurobeats’ charms; the Russian reporter being forced to managing to captivate everyone with change the results by the KGB. There a genuinely intelligent, topical humour were also regular visits to the ‘Green brought out spectacularly by our hosts Room’ featuring whoever wasn’t in the Dennis and Giedroyc, who came out process of changing costume to give with the classic “loosen your geni- the results (as each ensemble member tal cuffs”. The humour also works on plays many different parts). As previ- many levels from the subtle to the sen- ously mentioned, Poland won causing sational, from slapstick to political hu- me to whoop so loud I still haven’t got mour and word play (much of this fo- my voice back, but also meaning we cused on bad pronunciation of English got to see their amazing performance - arms/arse etc.). The ensemble did a again. This time the lead decided to fantastic job of making us believe these remove his shirt halfway through and ridiculous characters could actually be run around the auditorium topless. real, but without taking the show too

Sigh. The things I have to see for you, seriously. The songs are catchy and by Jonathan Silver dear reader. We left the theatre on a well written, each sounding individual high and spent the entire walk to the yet all somehow encapsulating that feel tube humming along. of Eurovision. The show itself had very few negative Eurobeat manages to combine clever points but was let down by some tech- dialogue with completely over the top nical aspects. Throughout the first half production values to give something sound was a major issue with the show that will appeal to everyone from “ho- being stopped for 10 minutes to fix mi- mos to hen nights” to drunken Fresh- crophones. Even after that it was still ers’ nights out and even your Mum and difficult to hear what should have been Dad. Eurobeat is Eurovision at its good some very funny lyrics over the back- old-fashioned best and is one of the ing tracks. These are issues that should best nights out I’ve had in a long time. have been sorted out during previews In fact, I think Eurobeat might actually

and so I was disappointed to see that be better than Eurovision itself. Picture of the Week Putney Bridge at Dawn, Materials Year First want to exhibit your art. Send in photographs. We [email protected] safety curtain lower half an hour in. The cast did cover this up well, mak- ing it feel part of the show with a very Eurobeat ends on 15th November funny comment about Lehman broth- at the Novello Theatre. Go see it - Hmm, we love the smell of sequinned spandex in the morning. Yes, they keep their socks on throughout ers providing the electricity funding. it’s glamorous, glitzy and gay! 24 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Film Film Editor – Zuzanna Blaszczak [email protected] unionpage Butch and Sundance Welcome to the This time Felix ignores the new releases bombarding the cinemas to give you a closer look at a must see classic. Film Cynic Clinic here am I again? that all films are just escapist follies. Zuzanna Blaszczak As if you hadn’t But go into any HMV and you’ll find Film Editor heard it enough a large shelf that are. Nowadays twelve already, and just in quid will buy you an hour and a half of While writing this review I wonder, case you’d forgot- distraction – not a bad deal when you how many of the people reading the ten, welcome to Imperial! Over the think about it. Provided they are con- Felix film section have seen this clas- Wcourse of the next few weeks you will sumed in moderation, they can provide sic movie. Half of you? The problem proceed through a series of ancient that little piece of essential relaxation. with famous old films is that everyone rituals and rites, as you are enrolled And strangely enough, all these films knows about them or has, somehow into the wonderful congealed mass seem to come from one place. or other, heard of them. How is that that is Imperial College London. You You could think of Hollywood as be- a problem you might rightfully ask. will learn hundreds, potentially mil- ing a giant McDonalds, churning out Well, the problem is that these mov- lions of new names and faces, each of slabs of reconstituted horse packaged ies become cultural references used all which you will subsequently forget. in a cheerful bright box. “I’ll have a Big around us but are seldomly watched Your Facebook account will swell be- Mac and fries” translates approximately by our generation. Speculating away, yond reasonable proportions, full of into “any of those films with Will Ferrell I am risking a statement that over the people you’ll probably never speak to in and throw in a bit of Ben Stiller on summer I became one of the few of again, communicating only with polite, the side”. When you open the things up our readers to have spent the most en- embarrassed smiles as you pass them they’re hideous affairs of the congealed joyable two hours of their lives in front on the walkway. remains of Z-list actors, fused together of a TV screen, being blown away by You’ll discover why your Student with the sickly sauce of Hollywood’s Photos: Tom Roberts Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Hall only had one tiny photo on the bodily fluids. If you’re lucky you might to the wild wild west of the US of A. website, and as you sign the six-figure get a bit of cheese chucked in, in the For those few of you who don’t know rental contract you’ll understand what form of a veteran comedian, like Leslie the story, Butch Cassidy (Paul New- living in London truly means. You’ll re- Nielsen. But most of the time you’ll be man) and the Sundance Kid (Robert alise that your generous Student Loan left feeling short-changed. Amazing Freshers’ Fair Welcomes New Students Redford) are a pair of outlaws in the will buy you at least two loaves of bread However, like the fatty fast-food for- Wild West, known throughout the dry from Waitrose (organic, fair-trade, ays of McDonalds, you’ll keep finding and yellow country for their love of healing bread mind you) and that you yourself late one night lured to the Welcome to a new year at Imperial and isolated gale-force weather conditions, The night was fi nished off in great style Ethos receptionists, bank robbing and terrorising of trains. can afford to go out about once every glowing light of the DVD player. You a new year of Clubs & Societies. We’ve but a lot of the outdoors Sport Clubs as with Jazz & Rock showcasing one of the Student Hub Lily Topham And love is exactly the word I wanted two years. know how dreadful it really is, you just had our biggest Clubs & Societies well as Gliding club who brought one of their student bands and Music Tech Team and the Deputy President to use, because one of the main things Where was I again? Oh yes, films. know that it’ll never satisfy you in the event of the year – Freshers’ Fair. their gliders along for all to see. The rest closing the show with their student DJs. Communications fueling the story and the movie is the Wonderful things really. Well apart long run, but you still keep going back. (Clubs & Societies) obvious fondness for what they are do- from the crap ones. But then I sup- Why? Because every once in a while, it of the Sports clubs fi lled the Business The whole night was brilliantly compered Team along with [email protected] ing that emanates from the two anti- pose you could always put crap films tastes so damn good. A big thank you to all the Clubs & School Foyer which was packed with by one of our very own students: Billy Pamela Michaels heroes. At the start of the film Butch, in the same category as comfort food. Societies, organisers, volunteers and eager students all day and proved a highly Feenan and teched by Dramsoc. who helped us Important Reminder: Sundance and their Hole in the Wall Perfect for when you just can’t be arsed of course all the students who came successful rain-based contingency plan. distribute the Wet Weather Plans and let gang enjoy a fairly peaceful life of law and need something warm and stodgy Remember to pay your TV licence. Es- breaking, knowing that Butch’s wits Legendary hunks playing legendary outlaws. to settle down with on the cold winter pecially if you don’t have a TV. Because for making this year’s Freshers’ Fair our There are many people without whose all the students know what was going and Sundance’s mastery of the pistol nights. Think James Bond – but with if you don’t you will automatically be- biggest and most successful ever! Over the road in the Union, things help and efforts in the run-up to the on; Emily Moss in the Conference Offi ce has put them out of reach of the local Pierce Brosnan; think Bridget Love come a smaller addition to the Axis were no less busy. The stage in the event and on the day, Freshers’ Fair and the Conference Offi ce staff for all law enforcement, that is of course un- great American expanse of nothing in of their lives, proving that good act- Four Hill Weddings Actually Notting of Evil, slightly below Iran but above Despite last minute changes of the plans Beit Marquee was used to showcase a simply could not have happened. My their help in booking things and helping til the day when a special unit is creat- Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. ing doesn’t equal tears and drama on Jones or think Atonement – no wait, North Korea. For those living in halls, due to forecasted bad weather (which huge variety of clubs all day, including thanks go to all the Clubs & Societies to set-up on the day; Ian Morris for all ed, trained and sent out to track them It could be that the wild west is in itself the screen. Good acting puts a smile don’t think Atonement. It’s probably who are yet to receive their death writ down and ‘deal’ with the notoriously so beautiful that the shots are breath- on your face, pulls you in, gives you incorrect to describe the Oscar-win- from the TV Licensing Agency, be pre- in true British tradition almost failed to a Fencing demo, a Kendo martial Committee Execs and Faculty Union his help in the Sir Alexander Fleming gentle robbers. A simple story, isn’t it? taking even in sepiatone, but I think it a glimpse of what it’s like to be Butch ning tragic drama as warm and stodgy. pared. The agency tends to avoid using materialise), over 6,000 students came to arts demo and even a bit of audience Execs who turned up at 7:30am to help Building; Ian Gillett for coming along Banal even. But the execution - that’s takes a master’s touch to evoke a sense and Sundance, takes you along for an As the soft rubber coating of Fresh- the widely accepted principle, inno- campus to visit the 340 stalls, talk to Clubs participation with a Boat Club race- set up, all the clubs who turned up to speak to all the clubs at the Club where this film dazzles. of belonging in that desolate land. unforgettable adventure. ers’ week begins to come off the solid cent until proven guilty, and assumes & Societies, sign up to mailing lists, pick up off supervised by ex-Olympian Steve and made it a great day, everyone who Offi cers’ Introductory Talk and Rodney First off - the cinematography. Con- But the heart and soul of the movie is metal rod of teaching, you might find you are a cheating, signal grabbing freebies and get involved in all the amazing Trapmore! Beit Quad also saw its fi rst helped tidy up and of course, all the Eastwood for letting us use the Business rad Hall, who won Oscars for Ameri- found in the friendship and camarade- yourself in need of some mindless re- criminal. Still, it’s nice to know that can Beauty and Road to Perdition was rie between the two outlaws. Redford Never pass a chance of watching laxation. Now to avoid offending genu- someone is looking after our vulner- things that the Union has to offer. high-striker, organised by the Royal students who came along to the Fair School Foyer. first recognised for his portrayal of the and Newman give the performances this gem, you’ll regret it. ine Film Critics, I wouldn’t dare say able state media. College of Science Union. and made it what it was. Thanks also There was a great atmosphere to all the clubs and Billy Feenan who My special thanks to Paddy Jackman throughout the whole campus, both in Meanwhile, the rest of the crowds in put in so much effort and wonderful and Jane Neary for all their help both College and over the road in the Union. the Union had plenty to see with all the performances to make the Afterparty the in the run-up to the Fair and on the day The Main Dining Hall and Ante Room adventure sports and media clubs in the most successful Freshers’ Tuesday night - without them so many clubs would were buzzing with Arts and Social clubs Marquee bringing along their assorted ever! have been displaced without anywhere In cinemas Simon Pegg teaches us how to lose friends and alienate people as well as numerous external companies. equipment, cameras and televisions, as to go. Thank you for letting us take over Zuzanna Blaszczak well as all the charity, social, religious My thanks also go to all the members the JCR on one of your busiest days, for is very much a laugh out loud type of lebrity that every guy, including Sid- Just outside the Main Dining Hall in the and martial arts clubs who were housed of College who didn’t have to help helping us out in our moment of need comedy with stuff/people falling over, ney, dreams of), Danny Houston (the For reasons unknown even to me I ex- cute dogs dying funny deaths and the ‘bad guy’ and Sidney’s love rival) and Queen’s Lawn Car Park were all the in the rest of the Union building. students take over campus, but did! To and thanks also to the JCR staff for pected more from Simon Pegg’s newest main character treating the audience to Jeff Bridges (the boss whose nostalgia Faculty Union mascots. Paula Consiglio for letting us use the being so patient as hundreds of students comedy How to Lose Friends and Alien- numerous ludicrous facial expressions. for his student years allows Sidney to In the Great Hall all of our overseas Clubs This year, Freshers’ Fair did not just stop Car Park; Terry Branch and the Security took over the room on Tuesday! The ate People. And I wonder why, after all And although there is a noticeable lack keep his job). I’m sorry to say that both and Societies showcased their individual at 4pm. It continued in the Beit Marquee team and Tim Ashton, Peter Seal and whole Union owes you all a huge debt of it is a Simon Pegg movie and Hot Fuzz of satire, the dialogues are worth men- Dunst and Houston are pretty bland should have been indication enough of tioning. If you’ve been to the cinema and forgettable. For that I blame the cultures and customs with some of with the Freshers’ Fair Afterparty and a the Fire Offi cers who kept us safe all gratitude. what to look out for in this, let’s just recently you probably recall the ‘please fact that Kirsten has a girl-next-door the most lively and colourful stalls on stage show featuring great music and day and who were so understanding say, fairly well publicised release. turn off your mobile phones’ spots by look and persona that, while cute, campus. dance performances from Chamber with the change of plans; Courtney We hope that you all enjoyed the Fair and Maybe the reason I expected more Orange mobile where a panel of guys doesn’t stand out. Danny Houston on Choir, Classical Guitar, String Ensemble, Richards, Steve Fooks, Graham Watson that you got the chance to see and meet is the story. The rise and fall of a Brit- listens to actors trying to sell their idea the other hand didn’t bring enough The relocated RSM and CGCU clubs Musical Theatre, Dance Company, and their teams from Estates; Neil all the Clubs & Societies that Imperial ish journalist (Simon Pegg) making his for a movie. If you enjoy the inappro- life to the stereotypical character he way in a New York magazine devoted priate, rude and disarmingly hilari- plays and his big, straight posture only swelled the numbers in the JCR which Gospel Choir, Afro-Caribbean, Hindu Mosley, Nick Gore, Grant Danskine, has to offer. All you need to do now is to the life of stars promised to be new, ous sentences that leave their mouths deepens the impression of looking at a also housed the food and drink and Society, Funkology, Capoeira and Dance Alissa Ayling and all the Sport Imperial join up and start participating. You can original even. A perfect way to give us you will laugh shamelessly at Sidney cardboard cut out. But Jeff Bridges and gaming societies. Club. The show also featured a fair bit of team who looked after the Business join any of our Clubs & Societies online an inside view of how celebrities are Young’s remarks and the fact that any Gillian Anderson come out shining de- audience participation with a free salsa School Foyer; the receptionists at the at imperialcollegeunion.org, simply log in created. And, because it’s a comedy, I of his attempt at an effective wisecrack spite their limited ‘on air’ time. With Upper Dalby Court not only had its own lesson proving to be lots of fun. College Main Entrance; Iain Reid, the and browse all our Clubs & Societies! envisioned a movie dripping with cyni- ends in the room going quiet. one look Anderson manages to make cism, wit and with a spice of bitterness That’s what kind of humour to ex- it crystal clear that Eleanor is a cold, - precisely the feelings that come to pect. Now about the acting. Joining Si- calculating beast that gets what she mind when looking at another ‘shock- mon Pegg in his ventures in the Sharp wants. While Simon Pegg shows again Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort ing’ photo in the London Lite. Obvi- Magazine and the New York high-life that to do comedy you need to leave ously I misunderstood the tag lines. are Kirsten Dunst (the love interest), self-consciousness outside the door. Road, London SW7 2BB Hence my surprise, because How Gillian Anderson (the bitchy publicist If Fresher’s Week depressed you, this imperialcollegeunion.org Tel: 020 7594 8060 to Lose Friends and Alienate People Eleanor), Megan Fox (the clueless ce- movie is a cure I would recommend. Simon Pegg and Kirsten Dunst make for an unlikely couple 26 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 27 Games [email protected] Games Games Editors – Azfarul Islam and Tom Roberts [email protected] up Company of Heroes and Lost on the PC together for £15 from GAME not so long ago. Internet Retailers and Search Engines

Now that I’ve figuratively shat on the Bargain Hunt: The Game high street, we can move on to the in- Struggling with budgetary requirements? has his priorities in order and ternet: serious business. Many inter- Tom Roberts net retailers root themselves into the offers a few tips on how to fuel your gaming habit without spending a small fortune fertile soils of the Channel Islands so that they can dodge various tax costs; Tom Roberts play.com, hmv.com and Tesco Jersey iving in London, as you’re are just a few. Thankfully, they actu- Defector probably already aware, is ally lop a bit off the RRP rather than an expensive and challeng- bunging the extra wedge into their teak did it. I’m sorry everyone. It’s ing undertaking. With so coffers. New PC releases often start at not the best way to start the much to do and see, budg- £17.99 and console games come in at year, but I did it. On Sunday eting becomes a balancing act: do I £29.99, or £34.99 for the heavy sellers. morning at 11:32am I betrayed skipL breakfast and lunch every day That’s a hell of a saving on PC games my footballing love and em- this week, whilst running the risk of especially. In the wake of play.com’s barked on a lustful affair with FIFA 09, catching the bad AIDs and incurring success, a plethora of websites have Ifuelled by attractive aesthetics, a desire the wrath of my ever-watchful mother, sprung up, all trying to out-price each to conquer uncharted and mystical ter- just so that I can afford to venture to other. Competition is excellent news ritory, new buttons to push, and a fully Elephant & Castle on a Friday night for the consumer, but trawling every fleshed out package (matron!). in search of strobe lights and grade-B site is a tedious process. Find-games. You’ll struggle to find the new releases much below the RRP anywhere. Supermarkets might knock off a tenner though. I’m so sorry Pez, dear After ten years of inseparable mat- stock hookers at the Ministry of Sound? co.uk cuts out this faff. Simply enter rimony, 2008 was the lowest of low Then, to top off your hedonistic addic- the name of the title you’re after and points in my previous relationship, and tions you’re probably a big fan of video it will give you a link to the best price that they want shot of quickly. They costs and the shifty atmosphere that selling games at very low prices. Using managed to pick up an Xbox 360, with the time came for Thomas Anthony games. With such a meagre loan, how on the interweb. Simple. A sister sites should also appear on find-games. eBay has procured with its popularity. these forums is a great way of getting a wireless bridge, four games and some Roberts and the Pro Evo series to go are you going to afford to live and res- also exists for DVDs (find-dvd.co.uk). co.uk. There’s also a safe buying guarantee up games cheaply, the only real danger is other bobbins, for about £100-150 our separate ways. cue Peach from the clutches of Bowser You could use kelkoo or whatever, but to £2,000 should your item not meet that you’ll still spend 40 quid, although cheaper than if I’d bought it online. Sure, it’s not the be all and end all. at the same? frankly most other comparison sites Second Hand Games the advertised specification or fail to on three games instead of one. Hell, We’re still on good terms and if we meet Hopefully, the following guide will are unwieldy and don’t cater specifi- be delivered. you don’t even have to talk to people And finally… at a party or something, we’ll definitely give you some ideas about where you cally to a gamer’s needs. Find-games. eBay is an obvious source of cheap on the forums. Just sign up and lurk in converse, appreciate the good ol’ times can pick up games more cheaply. Ini- co.uk is especially useful when it comes games, but one that requires careful Gaming Forums the background, reaping the benefits It would be criminal of me to write this and glance in each other’s general direc- tially, the article was aimed right be- to older titles since you’ll often discov- monitoring. Always make sure you that your fellow gamers sow. guide without mentioning hotdealsuk. tion. We might even have a quick fum- tween the eyes of our fresher universi- er prices slashed far more on one site check out the seller’s feedback and if Now we’re descending into the real Better still, if you’re feeling brave join com. Founded in 2004, the idea behind ble. I certainly haven’t ruled that possi- ty companions but having spoken to a compared to the others as they attempt he’s labelled his item: “L@@K AWE- sticky-taped spectacles depths of in- a forum that has a Swapsies thread: the site was to filter through all the ad- bility out although I’m not sure my new number of my friends, many of whom to shift some older stock. ZOMES GAME FOR JU – NEED FOR ternet bargaining. Sir Dickinson would one where gamers list what they’ve got vertising waffle that is thrust through missus would be best pleased. still rely on GAME to supplement their Obviously, the main disadvantage of SPEED EA PWNAGE TRIPLE SIXTY be proud. The internet is frequented on offer and what they’re after. For the our retinas everyday and spread the My relationship with Pro Evo be- cyber addiction, gaming poverty is Fleecing you and taking your money to the bank – laughing – since stores opened! internet retailers is the postage delay. VERSHUN!!1one!11” you probably by millions of people everyday and cost of postage, this is easily the most word on the best bargains in all walks came stale. Heck, I barely touched more widespread than I had originally Times vary for different websites, and want to avoid it. Prices often baffle me guess what, they’re not actually all pae- effective and cheapest way of getting of life. A quick glance at the site shows her during the 2007-08 season, I was thought. On the other hand, if you’re different people will tell you different here too; people frequently bid higher dophiles. I know, I know, I’ve revealed through many, many games. Bearing in me that I can get Iris with Judi Dench that tired of the old dear. Ever since the gaming equivalent of David Dickin- 40 quid a pop for most console games, ers, a bit further down the street, has top dollar will be nigh on impossible. stories about their individual experi- than if they used find-games.co.uk and one of the internet’s biggest secrets mind that no-one is going to swap Lit- what-off-the-telly for £1.99, Smash the glorious days of Pro Evo 5, things son and you’ve uncovered some places you’ll be drinking tap water and eating a penchant for pricing new releases at So far GAME (replace with Gamesta- ences. In my view, use the cheapest site sometimes even above the RRP, which there; one that could potentially put tle Big Planet for Quake 64, you’re best Court Tennis 3 for a tenner and a huge have never quite been the same again. that sell games even cheaper than chips chopped tomatoes out of a can for the £29.99. In fact, your best bets are the tion if you like) has hasn’t fared too when it’s not urgent. Gameplay.com probably says a lot about the IQ of the the editors of The Sun and The Daily bet is to complete a new game as soon box of Coco Pops for £2 from ASDA. The relationship slowed down, became that I haven’t stumbled upon, do get in following two weeks. Not even the Na- supermarkets: only this week I man- well in this article, but their pre-owned is one of the best sites for pre-orders, average eBay user. My mum included. Mail out of business, but it’s the truth. as possible and then venture to such You can filter the site for whatever less exciting. The little things began to touch and we can spread the love in a polina variety. If you must have a game aged to get FIFA 09 for just under 30 sections aren’t that dreadful, where you often breaking release date. Shush, just Whilst you’ll struggle to find the Gaming forums are a hive of like mind- threads whilst your cupcake is still you’re interested in and when a new niggle at me more. The things that I future issue. on release day, then you’re going to be notes. And yes, I am ashamed I bought can often pick up older releases on 2 don’t tell the publishers! more obscure titles on Amazon’s Mar- ed individuals, many of whom buy and hot. With much smaller communities bargain is spotted users affect its rank- brushed off before because my undy- paying a premium whether you go on- a FIFA game, see elsewhere on the page for £20 offers. Likewise, with dramatic Finally, spare a thought for websites ketplace, compared with eBay it’s a play far too many games, many more than say eBay and written interaction ing by voting depending on how ‘hot’ ing love was all conquering. But part On the Highstreet line or not. If you do choose to head to for a flimsy attempt at justification. Su- price cuts on all titles – whether pre- belonging to electronics stores such as decent alternative for finding cheap, than they can possibly consume let between forum-goers, you’ll soon get they deem the deal to be. Most forums way through 2008 I began to have eyes the high street, shop around. On High permarkets only tend to stock the most owned or not – after 3-6 months in Comet and Currys. Often they have ri- second hand games. The main bonus alone afford. If you join your favourite a feel for the more trustworthy indi- link to hotdealsuk.com regularly so for fairer beauties. It’s an old cliché but Buying games on the high street really Street Ken for instance, many a time mainstream titles though, so buying most stores, it’s certainly worth wait- diculous price cuts on games, down to is that there’s no need to deal with ir- site’s forum, you’ll likely find a bargains viduals and filter out the shady dealers. it’s probably not necessary to watch it the grass started to become greener on is a good way of burning money fast. At Zavvi has bettered GAME. Blockbust- Disgaea 3 on release day for less than ing before buying. I managed to pick as little as a fiver for 360 and PS3 titles ritating people, vastly inflated postage thread peppered with links to websites Gaming forums are a treasure trove: I constantly, but it’s worth keeping an other football pitches. We even tried eye on. to reconcile our differences last week A more recent phenomenon is quid- when she unveiled her latest build to co.com. In a nutshell, the website acts me, playable on Xbox Live. Initially I as a cashback scheme. After creating a was aghast, the flame began to reignite Four web addresses any thrifty geek should have bookmarked quidco account, you simply log in, click and I felt that giddy excitement in the Total US on an affiliate link from within quidco. pit of my tummy, but who was I fool- com which takes you to your favourite ing? Myself. It was time to put the past website, eg: play.com, and then shop behind me and move on. revenues for 2007 as normal. Quidco alters your web And here I am. FIFA 09 has moved browser’s cookies so that when you in with me and flowers are already purchase something from play.com beginning to bloom. The memories they know you found the website by of Pez (that was my pet name for her, going via Quidco. You’re then given a heh! Sniff.) still remain, and sometimes percentage of your purchase back in I feel like I treat Fifi (what?) too much cashback form; anything from a few to like my old flame, which I’m not sure ten percent or so. she’s keen on. But we’re getting along Eventually you are ‘paid’ by Quidco, just fine. She really is a looker, but who will transfer what you have ac- what she lacks in charm and intelli- crued into your bank account. I haven’t gence she really makes up for in other actually set up an account myself, but areas. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a some people I have spoken to have fully-fleshed out slice of fun! There are www.find-games.co.uk www.hotdealsuk.com made hundreds and hundreds pounds so many things to discover, so many from Quidco, especially since it can be secrets to unlock and I can definitely used on just about any major website, see this relationship lasting for at least including non-gaming ones. a year or more. But then there’s the So, there you go. As a rule of thumb parents. Mr Konami was a fairly mod- shop around, especially on the high est, sedate fellow who rarely interfered street. Unwrap yourself from any cot- with his baby’s development, but I ton wool you might be cocooned in hear Mr EA is a hulking juggernaut of and do investigate the ‘darker’ depths a beast. Quite meddling in fact, and if of the internet. And don’t just go for he gets his claws in there could be con- the latest releases, there’s a plethora of sequences that ripple through our new older gaming goodness out there for relationship. much cheapness. Anyway, you’re probably all shout- These tips are by no means exhaus- ing, “Get a blog emo kid,” but I’ll leave tive though: I’ve omitted the bargains you with this: if anyone wants a three- available on Steam, rental websites, in- some, I’m well up for it. die-devs and flash based sites, the lat- Games: $18.8bn Movies: $9.5bn ter of which have surprisingly sophis- If you want to write something www.avforums.com/forums/gaming-bargains/ www.eurogamer.net/forum_thread_posts.php?thread_id=2204 ticated games, all for free. Hopefully sensible on these pages, email though, this guide will give you food [email protected]. for thought and food for your belly! 28 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 20 October 2007 felix 29 Food [email protected] Food Food Editors – Afonso Campos & Rosie Grayburn [email protected] felix needs you! Scrummy noodley goodness Felix is written by students for Step away from the Pot Noodle... Take refuge in Tampopo for some funky fast food.

on a Monday night the place was buzz- was presented in a trough-like bowl students. We need your contributions ing with a mix of bankers and students and there was no shortage of chicken! sharing huge tables, scoffing noodles The broth was flavoured with star an- or slurping at soup. ise and red chillie and was so fragrant so that we can report on news stories Rosie Grayburn Hungry Accomplice was ravenous it should be in competition to be the so we opted for 2 courses. If you are next Herbal Essences. Hungry Accom- Food Editor feeling thus, Tampopo do a vast shar- plice’s Kway Teow was a lip-smacking and keep everybody entertained ing platter with satay, dumplings and sit-and-shovel dish. Happily, there s we settle down to this other tasty morsels… but a healthier was no short-changing of ingredients academic year we all option is to share a salad. We shared among the pile of noodles. Tampopo make that fatal mistake Gado Gado, an Indonesian salad. The never fails to fill up our bellies and put during the most arduous of lectures. of signing up to ALL the egg, al dente veg, fresh tofu and prawn a satisfied grin on our greedy gobs. clubs and societies at the crackers were presented like crudités Tampopo is super-fast, fresh food Fresher’s Fair. You are rushing about, centered around a bowl of satay sauce. and with a bill of less that £20 for 2 it’s Acrashing from this induction to that This version was suitable for sharing amazing value too. Give it a try, fresh- initiation... lectures fit in somewhere. Wel- and gave us a real chopstick work out, er, and let me know what you think. It’s It’s time for fast food. You have to use come but I’d have preferred the street food also a brilliant place for pre or post- Felix is actively recruiting again now the new year is your loaf. Fisherites, version for shovelling purposes where cinema munchies as it’s right next door Toast can be transformed by even the Southwelli- the whole lot is mushed together and to the pictures! And don’t forget your biggest nonce into a scrummy snack or ans and all new smothered in sauce. student card for that all important 20% here. We are specifically looking for: dinner. You can use any bread you like: Evelyn Garden Our main courses were Chicken Pho off. Isn’t it fun being cheap? brown, white, seeded, rye, pitta, nan, dwellers! You are now and Kway Teow. My Pho was Pho-tas- Rosie Grayburn bagel…Have a try of these nutritious Tampopo HHHHK a resident in SW7, surrounded tic. The Vietnamese soup noodle dish ideas for the simplest and cheapest by yuppies and may find it daunting ingredients. 140 Fulham Road to venture beyond Sainsbury’s to find Sardines: Toast your bread and but- Phone: 0207 370 5355 grub. But I emplore you, Fresher, to ter heavily. Open a tin of sardines in www.tampopo.co.uk try the fantastic noodle emporium just • Webmasters to upload issues and articles to the tomato sauce and mush with a fork. around the corner from halls. Pile on top of the toast and eat. I rec- Best: A student friendly 20% Tampopo is anything you want it to ommend one tin per slice of bread discount Sun-Thurs. YEY! be. It is a pile of healthy, tasty stir fry website (union.ic.ac.uk/felix at the moment!) for greediness. For the more demure Worst:Expensive drinks when you can’t be arsed to cook or Go for...: If you go before 7pm among you, half a tin per slice. If you you can partake in the amazing it is an affordable hot date with that prefer sardines in oil, give the sardines value Eastern Express. Choose Physicist you pulled the other night. a squeeze of lemon before devouring. a main and accompaniment Not only this, but they are friendly to • Medic news writers to report on anything that Sardines are very very good for you as for £6.95 e.g. Mee Goreng and students – all shout HURRAH! The they contain a lot of omega 3 and es- Gyoza (dumplings). nice people at Tampopo give students sential oils. Takeout: Take a look at the menu 20% off the whole bill Sunday-Thurs- affects medical students at Imperial Bruschetta: Chop a tomato and sea- on the website, call up and day. It’s incredibly good value which son with salt and pepper. Add a dash order. The restaurant does not is a rarity in SW7. Also, takeaways are of olive oil and mix. Tip onto our toast deliver but you can pop round on offer if you don’t fancy a restaurant • Feature writers to research and create unique and VOILA a homemade brushetta! the corner to pick it up. environment. Price: Under a tenner per head If you have any parsley or basil lying Hungry Accomplice and I went down around, add that too. Boys – pay atten- to Tampopo the other night. At 9pm Yummy yummy noodles... down they go... down into my belly. tion to this recipe. Tomatoes contain articles lycopene which is incredibly good for your sperm/your little soldiers. Fish fingers: Cook 3 fingers of fish as • Comment columnists to join in with the current per instructions and sandwich between two slices of toast. Smother in ketchup and munch. Bird’s Eye now does a val- Cafe Forum - Gooey pizza galore! crop of opinionated writers ue version of their fish fingers – HUR- RAH for student budgets! tas and generous salads it also serves coffee is freshly prepared for you for The alternative bacon sarnie: Fry a up those legendary pizzas just £1.40, and you get a free croissant rasher or two of bacon and add a couple The pizzas are out of this world. The with it in the mornings. If the pizzas • Contributors for all the sections or writers keen on of tinned plum tomatoes to the pan to bases are gooey, crunchy and extreme- don’t take your fancy and you go for a warm through and pick up some of the ly addictive. You choose 4 from a whole salad, you can get a large bowl of in- juices from the bacon. Tip the contents host of veggie, meaty or fishy toppings credibly tasty chicken salad for £3.95. joining in with more than one section of the pan onto a slice of toast and add and you have the freedom to choose So as you can see the prices are good. another slice on top. PHWOAR. your base size, depending on your ap- For me, Café Forum was a great post- Beans and Egg: Beans, beans, good petite (small belly £3.75, medium tum- rugby match destination on a Wednes- • Copy editors with an eagle-eye for grammar for your heart: the more you eat them, my £4.95, large stomach £5.95). Order day evening. However, it offers such the more you… This simple dish of you toppings, size and 10 minutes later, variety that it can be what you want – a baked beans topped with a poached and perfection is served in front of you. quick stop for lunch, or a great place egg has been proven to be the cheap- And if the pizza wasn’t enough, their to sit and chat in the evenings – all the mistakes to form part of our crack team est and most nutritious meal you could desserts are tasty too. Try the apple paninis and pastries are reduced after possibly eat! Fibre, protein, carbs.. the strudel and cream for £3.20. 11pm. Café Forum is a must for stu- whole kaboodle! To poach your egg, The value for money of this heavenly dents, I highly recommend you give it boil about 2 inches of water in a pan of caff is almost the best bit. Café Forum a try! your choice. Crack the egg carefully in £1.40 for a cup of sweet, sweet nectar in this quirky little cafe. is very cheap indeed. A HUGE regular Hungry Accomplice the water so the white doesn’t spread If you’ve emailed in the past and I’ve not responded, too much. Turn off the heat and leave the egg to cook for 3 minutes. Scoop this place, however such was its legend the poached egg out of the water and Cafe Forum/House of Coffees status that the old name has held firm. HHHHH Café Forum is a must for any fresher, that’s because I’m a dunce. Feel free to drop me place it on top of your mound of beans Gloucester Road on toast. Mum would be proud. (Turn right out of the tube or indeed student of any age for that If you have any ideas for this year’s station) matter. It is a fantastically unpreten- food section please do get in touch. Best: The pizzas.. oh baby tious place where students are wel- another email and hopefully I’ll reply this time! The Seeing as we’re in the winter months, Worst:Pre-lecture queues in the comed alongside many of the South I am looking for comfort food for us to morning for £1 sausage ba- Kensington locals and lost-looking slurp at in bowls with a hunk of bread guettes and coffee tourists. Café Forum is a traditional address to send to is [email protected] - stews, soups, a hug in a bowl. Send Italian style café serving good quality us your recipes, restaurant reviews and coffees and other hot drinks, freshly articles to [email protected]. Café Forum, or should I say, House prepared juices, as well as a host of dif- Also, if you live near a cheap and fab- of Coffees, is a legendary pizza-house/ ferent delicious snacks. However, in ulous greengrocer, friendly butchers or café situated at the top of Gloucester addition to this, Café Forum also acts market we’d like to hear about them to Road near the tube station. It is my be- as a brilliant one-stop shop for lunch Forget the SAF or the JRC: venture out to Cafe Forum. Map provided pass on the know-how! Besotes xx lief that Café Forum is the old name of too. In addition to its home-made pas- for navigationally challenged students. Red blob marks the spot. 30 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 31 This weeks TV, with a bit of a twist David Stewart for the cost of a travelcard and a ball HangmanPutting the cat out to dry of string. Sunday is never dull with an It’s another week of credit crunch TV episode of Merlin (BBC1 6:30) to look [email protected] ahead so here are a selection of the best forward to, provided you can make-be- What are we offering? of the coming days’ viewing to enter- lieve that the ‘dragon’ isn’t just a horse tain you out of your financial worries. covered in red crêpe paper. Come and get a taste Friday night kicks off with Big Cat Monday night TV as usual is can- Live (BBC1 7:30) which sees David celled due to budget restrictions but Attenborough visiting homes around wind up your radio and tune into some London with a handheld camera to reruns of The Archers (BBC Radio 4 Evil Oxford rector document the behaviour of particu- 2:00-10:30). On Tuesday the must- larly oversized or vicious domestic see programme is Who wants to be a Imperial student felines. Don’t miss tonight’s episode homeowner? (ITV1 8:00): Chris Tar- of Coronation Street (ITV1 8:30) as rant hosts the ever-popular game show is totally right Liam tries to convince Maria that own- in which contestants attempt to answer You may have already read how we’re one of the most successful professional services firms. You may have brand baked beans are just as good as fifteen questions to win a variable rate also heard about the breadth and depth of the career opportunities on offer. But shouldn’t you discover Heinz while costing only half as much. mortgage from Halifax. On Wednes- more about us for yourself? looks in mirror... Things are hotting up on Saturday with day all eyes will be glued to the BBC Casualty (BBC1 7:40): there’s been a News at Ten: Revolution Special (BBC1 When you come along to our upcoming Open Presentation, we’ll kick things off with a short talk. After that, Haxz0rMcRandy_1(2.0) L33t interweb Haxzor mass suicide at Lloyds TSB HQ, but 10:00) as another American banker in- you can spend the rest of the evening asking our friendly staff questions of your own. What training will you can Charlie convince the stress-weary volved in the sub-prime mortgage fias- receive? What kind of skills will you learn from some of the foremost experts in their field? How will we help bankers that status isn’t everything? co is sent to the chair taking the death Activities that are usually considered Or chill out with Trinny and Suzanna toll to seventy three -- don’t forget to you to balance your work with your other interests? Get the answers direct from people who know. People routine for most people are more often as they explore How to look good in defrost your popcorn! Finally Thurs- who’ve been in your shoes. than not discarded by Imperial males. leaves (ITV2 8:00) where the pair visit day is movie night as all the channels Such routine activities include, but are Get a taste of what life with us is like. It’s your future. How far will you take it? parks around London and show you club together to pay for Casablanca (all not limited to, showering, grooming, how to make a fashionable garment channels 6:00). trimming toe and ear hair and brush- Event: Imperial Open Presentation ing teeth. I don’t think I need to re-it- Date: Wednesday 15th October, 2008 erate my comments about their dress. Unless you have had a night of copious Venue: Skempton Building, Imperial College London, drinking like myself, it really is not that “If you come round here again, I’ll use the blue laser!!!” Exhibition Road, London SW7 2AZ hard to find your way to that room in your house with the sink and toilet. Time: 6.30pm One Imperial Student, Dave Gorm- less, took our advice with mixed re- Called evil by many for proposing a and let’s not even get started on the sults. After hours of scrubbing him- rise in the tuition fee cap, I believe filthy continentals. By paying your self, the IC biochem student (because Oxford rector, Lord Patten, is onto fucking share, I get to come here and Discover more at www.deloitte.co.uk/graduates obviously biochem students are ugly) something. By making home stu- get my education for cheaper so I can looked at his reflection in the bath- dents pay more, universities will get spend more time and money stealing room mirror. The shock has motivated more money and therefore I will have your women and your jobs. © 2008 Deloitte & Touche LLP. Deloitte & Touche LLP is an equal opportunities employer. Dave Gormless to work harder than to pay less! “How does this work?” I I applaud this old white man, even ever. If you’re never going to get a girl- hear you ask. Well, I’m foreign! though I never would do the same for friend with your looks, you may as well Being foreign, I pay 5 times as much any other. Huzzah, pip pip, and see try and get a job in a city and use cash as you unwashed English bastards; you at the Wharf! instead. No? Look at him. Waste Gash.

Or ientation Workshops October 2008 How’s Jovan doing so far? The 1st still won’t get him a Monday 13th October, 1-2pm SAF Building, Lecture Theatre 1 (room G16) Personal Safety and Crime Prevention Come along and meet our local Safer Neighbourhood Police Officers

felix needs you! th Felix is written by students Tuesday 14 October 1-2pm, Pippard Lecture Theatre job in the city Immigration Issues for non-EU/EEA students for students. We need your This workshop is essential for any student visa holders. He’s going to need some sort of awesome CV or something

contributions so that we can Wednesday 15th October, 1-2pm, Pippard Lecture Theatre report on news stories and keep Postgraduate Life Ross Goldberg you ‘ll spend with people who only talk really insist on putting your 4 years of How to make the most of your PG studies and succeed in your research Really Fat Dead Guy about the markets will chip away at scientific education to waste and pur- everybody entertained during the Thursday 16th October, 1-2pm, Pippard Lecture Theatre your soul bit by bit until you’re a shell sue a selfish lifestyle instead of helping most arduous of lectures. Using your Money Wisely There’s nothing like the collapse of of your formal self. But all that doesn’t mankind through scientific research The manager of our local Natwest Bank will offer money saving tips our financial system to ruin the ca- matter, what matters is that you’ll have then you should do a few things.

th reer hopes of Imperial students. If you a really hot suit and tons of cash. 1. Get comfortable in a suit, employ- Felix is actively recruiting again now the new Friday 17 October 1-2pm, SAF Building, Lecture Theatre 1 (room G16) haven’t already realised this, please The greedy U.S. homeowners/Barack ers can sense when you’re uncomfort- Student visa renewal academic year has started. We specifically need: For students who have a student visa expiring in October 2008 read on. Quick! Your future is literally Obama/the free market has a different able. Wear a suit everyday, even wear it disappearing by the second. plan for you however. Instead you’ll be to bed. Become one with the suit. Monday 20th October 1-2pm SALC, Room 2, Level 5 Sherfield Building As you pile up your student debt forced to send your worthless, boring 2. Spend every free moment you Ross Goldberg and I don’t want to talk about this any • Webmasters to upload issues and articles to the Adjusting to student life in London with nights out at Boujis or trips to the CV that doesn’t do anything except have doing internships, what do you Really Fat Dead Guy more. How to cope with unexpected change when far from home V&A or dinner out with your friends display your abysmal lack of intern- do when your lectures finish? You go But we love felix, so saying what was website (union.ic.ac.uk/felix at the moment!) Tuesday 21st October, 12-1pm, Pippard Lecture Theatre you wouldn’t be blamed for thinking ships, to an ever diminishing number make coffee for an MD at Citibank Who are we to judge other people’s ed- good is understandably easy. The hard • Medic news writers to report on anything that Working during and after your studies that it’ll all be fine when you get your of banks who will only be able to offer 3. As the title suggests, get an awe- itorial skills when our section is often part is swallowing our pride and ad- For students who wish to work whilst studying or afterwards high-flying job in the city. you £30,000 a year job with NO PERKS. some CV or something (the something rude, crude, crass, sexy, insulting, and mitting that some of the content in the affects medical students at Imperial nd Sure the 26 hour days will almost Scared? You should be. being, get a life and some proper aspi- lacking in wit, misogyny and restraint? paper that Hangman associates itself • Feature writers to research and create unique Wednesday 22 October 1-2pm, Pippard Lecture Theatre Post Study Work kill you and the huge amount of time There is no hope. However if you rations you fucking tool). We’re the fucking Hangman Team with isn’t perfect. articles How to apply for permission to stay and work in the UK after your studies that’s who! Bad: There has been some good and some 1.Grammar and spelling. Please do • Comment columnists to join in with the current rd Thursday 23 October, 1-2pm, Pippard Lecture Theatre bad from Jov’s time so far. Let’s start not look at last weeks issue closely... crop of opinionated writers Financial issues for international students you’re going to fish out last weeks is- Including council tax, TV licences, financial assistance, and insurance Dear Susie Peng, her female associates ecution style with a 9mm Brown- with the good and move onto the bad. • Contributors for all the sections or writers keen and the two dudes who only went along ing automatic pistol (sweet). He Good: sue and look now aren’t you? No? aw Friday 24th October, 1-2pm, SAF Building, Lecture Theatre 1 (room G16) Response with the idea because they thought it is now to be replaced by his son 1. He managed to sneak the issue cheers bruv on joining in with more than one section Student visa renewal would increase their chances of getting Haxz0rMcRandy_1(2.0). If this is not into every single Fresher’s bedroom, 2. We feel like the Hangman/Coffee For students who have a student visa expiring in October 2008 • Copy editors with an eagle-eye for grammar This piece is a response laid, enough indication of our dedication yes that was Jov. Not me. Don’t call the Break pullout was, well some people mistakes to form part of our crack team Pippard Lecture Theatre = Level 5, Sherfield Building to the Comment article Hangman takes your comments very to the female population of this ‘pres- police. use the word ‘offensive’, I prefer the SAF Building G16 = Level 1, Sir Alexander Fleming Building written by Susie Peng seriously and has thought hard and long tigious academic institution’, we just 2. He exposed the high-prices of ac- term ‘complaint-provoking’. Although with contributions from (lol) about how to proceed henceforth. don’t know what is. commodation at Imperial which is we file this under bad, meaning BAD- Bookings for all sessions will open on Wednesday 8th October Vicky Edwards, Chris We have done two things: Perhaps we can discuss this mat- probably why the Fresher’s were so ASS. Yes, it is in twice, but that’s because your contact: Imperial College International Office, Woolley, Katharina 1. Wrote a much more offensive reply ter further over drinks. Call me. Oh subdued at the Mingle. Or just that 3. There are never more than two Level 1 Sherfield Building, South Kensington Campus contribution matters to us. Email me at Reeh, Clarissa Poh, Ei to your letter which the Editor would right I didn’t give you my number... they aren’t hardcore. things wrong with Felix! Who do you email: [email protected] t: +44 (0)20 7594 8040 Mun Chuah, and Drew not let us publish... bitch kthnxbye! 3. He put a fridge in the office, then think we are Live!?

[email protected] he put a beer in the fridge. After that The Hangman give Jov a verdict of, Some workshops will be repeated at Silwood Park Campus, see our Thomas. 2. Taken Haxz0rMcRandy_1 to the we got drunk and I think it was by the out of ten, EPIC FAIL. Check in next website for details: top of the Queens Tower shot him ex- Secretive Hangman Editor 4th beer that he started touching me week to see if he’s improved. 32 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 33 Tamara Slutatapova Wordoku 1,410 E-mail: [email protected] J M O E

Coffee Break seem to have picked up something of the derstand, I struggle to imagine your O E M [email protected] position. Evidently, you are not pretty red and itchy variety. What do I do? or generous enough to have secured a Itchy & Scratchy One Man Show S V E man before uni. Instead, you have infil- trated the male world in order to cap- Dear Itchy & Scratchy One Man Show, ture one off-guard. I look forward to I assume you are a sports player and S N O reading and empathising as best I can have participated in Snakebite-fuelled with you over a skinny non-dairy decaf incestuous Wednesday night at the A N S V organic Fairtrade latte. Union. You only have a few more days Photoshop Competition - 2 when you’re contagious so I suggest E S H Dear Tamara, you call all those girls from school who I met a lovely boy in Freshers’ week and laughed at your big calculator and air- he took me to his room to watch Sleepy plane magazines and pay them back. N V S Hollow. Everything was going great. So. Good luck and enjoy. I was really excited about seeing him O M E the next night so I put on a really cute t- Dear Tamara, shirt from Camden and some sexy jeans I was always the best in my school and H E V O from Topshop. However, when I went to my teachers had me down to win a his room, he started acting really funny Chemistry Nobel Prize. However, after and started getting out trashy under- a week of Imperial, I ahve realised that Ravi Pall wear that he suggested I wear. What’s I will never belong in the front rows of Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; we’ve just replaced numbers with letters. Once Coffee Break Editor going on?! the lecture theatre and never be one of you’ve completed the puzzle, there is a hidden phrase to find. Email answers to Confused Camden shopper the clever people here. What can I do to [email protected]. ello again. Welcome to ello, I am Tamara Slu- improve my self esteem? another damn fine edi- tarapova. The Felix Dear Confused Camden shopper, Back Row Fresher The winner of Wordoku will be mentioned here. This is the first one, therefore tion of Coffee Break. editor asked me to help This all sounds very familiar to me. I there is no winner from last time. Thanks to Chaz for coming up with the words! Honourable mentions guide you through the used to go out with a hunky-looking Dear Back Row Fresher, go out to Team Joseph inevitable emotional footballer until I found some suspend- Your first year at university is a time to Gobbels who won last weeks pho- and social disasters of the coming year. ers and crotchless pants (suspiciously better yourself and grow as a person. Htoshop competition. That picture HFor the boys – to advise you on how labelled “XXL”) and size 13 stilletos. You must concentrate on the more im- made many of the guys and girls down to woo and secure a decent looking I’m not sure which was worse, the sti- portant things in life - your looks and in the felix office cry hysterically with girl at Imperial. I am concerned be- lettos being from Shoe Zone or the fact your social status. You will find the two laughter. Well done, have a gold medal, cause, from my personal experience that my man of the month wore it all on go hand in hand. If you cannot beat and your on your way to winning an of Freshers’ week, your shortcomings weekends. However, perhaps your man the kids sitting in the front rows, show iPod. I would also like to make a spe- (ha!) both in conversation and wallet has just been picking up bedroom eti- them why they wish they could sit with cial note about this weeks RAW image size leave much to be desired. Perhaps quette from Hangman. Any man trying you in the back rows (but never allow of the Live! stand. Live! is one of our This weeks winner. Team Joseph Gobbels. Next weeks RAW image for you to go wild. See www.felixonline.co.uk it is a lost cause and by the end of the to accessorise an outfit with a piece of them otherwise it loses its mysterious big rivals within the Imperial College year I will have to simply direct you to rope is not to be taken seriously. appeal). Frequent Ethos to meet other student media. A big shout out to our the nearest art college for easier and like-minded people and steer clear of friends over there. Keep up the good prettier conquests. For the girls - I will Dear Tamara, carbs. work, even though the picture of an This weeks winning entry is a beau- all squinty so he’d look vulnerable. Joe Gobbels has certainly set the found online at www.felixonline.co.uk. help as much as I can. You must un- Instead of picking up Freshers’ flu, I empty stand is somewhat amusing. I tiful piece of art. Stop for a moment Finally in a move that clinched the bar high and if you want to get a shiny Click on Coffee Break in the sections have hope that next weeks entries will and examine it. This team flipped prize, they opened the mouth, giv- gold medal you are going to have to up tab. Email your entry to coffee.felix@ bring the picture to life. the face to match the lighting ef- ing him a baby like look. Opened the your game. This weeks image provides imperial.ac.uk with your team name A bonus point will be given to those fects in the imposed picture. With a mouth in such a way, he could only be a blank slate for all Live! related jokes with your photo and you’ll be entered Photoshop masters who to manage to magical flourish, they made the eyes portraying an innocent baby. so go wild. The high res picture can be into the FUCWIT league. write something amusing in the do- main name banner. H to the o, r, o, sizzle copes – it’s the Horoscopes In a more personal matter, I would like to say something to the freshers. Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio “Please stop being so unhealthy!” As a hall senior I’m surrounded by freshers I would like to This week you This week, does Does anyone except everywhere I look. All of them are sick point out that these will reaise that anyone know what for the Americans with freshers’ flu. All it takes is a few Horoscopes are that girl you have the best (Blackthorn give a shit about square meals or a vitamin tablet and Stuff IC Students Like!? :) definitly not done been wooing for all excluded. I’d your star sign? you’ll be sorted. You guys are conta- by a half-pissed last year, working rather drink from Apparently so. The gious and I’m getting ill. Now I have my student. Felix takes your magic on the a chunderpuddle) reason you are suspicions that it’s all the drinking I’ve Spore is all you need right? We’ve all pride in the fact that each week a professional dance floor and buying all those drinks for alcohol percentage to price ratio of beer in the reading this is because you are thick enough been doing this week but I’m going to 3. Apple Mac: seen the students sitting around the clairvoyant is kidnapped and in order to write still doesn’t know your name. Worse still she Union? Reply to Felix editor Jovan Nedic who to forgo the scientific method that you should stick with blaming it on the freshers. JCR on the sofas; drinking their cof- them. Claims that she is then released back in thinks you’re called Kevin. Might as well fuck wants to get drunk. Prizes are available in the have sworn your life to, after being accepted Another rant, I’d like to defend cur- You’re sitting in the library. You look fee. Some even reading the student to Imperial gen. pop. are unfounded. off me thinks. form of a free pint of that beverage. by Imperial. rent felix editor, Jovan Nedic, for last to the left of you. You look to the newspaper. The evidence is there, if week’s issue of felix. Sure there were right. Apples everywhere. No not the you want to look like a smug fucking grammatical errors. Maybe even a few delicious kind, the knob kind. There’s git, grab yourself some California de- spelling mistakes, but I am disappoint- even a job at apple to be a campus signed - Chinese assembled gadgetry Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius ed with the individuals who have slan- rep, but only if you’re a huge mac su- and think of the geeky possibilities. dered the issue. Most of the student per freak. However, and it makes me Also you get to feel superior because This month you will The fact you even There’s a lady whose Imperial College body understands that it’s the first is- sad to say it, macs are awesome. Heck ‘macs don’t get viruses’. IT’S NOT fall deeply in love belong to a group sure all that glitters London, currently sue of the year, and there are bound to we have at least 8 down here in the fe- BECAUSE THEY’RE GOOD IT’S with a Fresher. You called Gemini is gold, and she’s recruiting women. be mishaps along the way. lix office. It’s like a mac mega dream. BECAUSE NOBODY MAKES VI- will dance, sing, means you should buying a stairway to Unsuccessful much? Why then are there some people who Who needs lots of video games. RUSES FOR MACS. drink and chunder probably end your heaven. When she Let’s brainstorm: call for the editor to rethink his ideas, I really don’t know what to think. all over DB’s floor life in a horrible gets there she knows perhaps we should some even stating the newspaper is (in that order) leaving her not very impressed. horrible way. Perhaps by provoking a crack that if the stores are all closed with a word she have merged with UCL. No, wait, then we’d going down. It’s a student newspaper Then she’ll leave you for a PhD student who addict in the early hours of the morning. can get what she came for. It isn’t you. All the have arts students. Barftastic. Them with their people. Not The Guardian. All the has been slightly too close to the Nuclear What are you like a cheesey pop/rock group sins you have committed this Freshers, such as varied interests and presentable clothing. We news, games, sports and comments reactor. She’s gone forever, you fucked up bad from the 80’s? That’s probably quite mean, but abusing innocent students with your barf, have could never let them taint the hallowed, unin- are intended for the general student. my friend. whatever, I detest you all. Peace! landed you into the Second Circle of Hell. teresting, and highly pretentious halls of IC. So please a little understanding this week? As what to look forward to... Snakey Drink with me, I’m Snakey B B makes an appearance this week, with Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn next week seeing the start of Sikh MC. and this week I’m dressed as Muhammad Ali The FUCWIT league continues and is Trust me on this, So you’re a Cancer, Okay, so you’re one When I said that I’d going strong. I’ll lay out a league table all the Aries guys/ you think you of those guys that do this I thought it when the competition really fires up. get no respect at Imperial. I Snakey B is back, as Muhammad Ali. I’m the double greatest. Not only do I girls absolutely rule! know everything thinks that Aber- would be easy. Just get nothing. Every night drunk You know me, I float like all those pot- knock Medics out but I pick the bucket You will almost about God. Damn crombie is cool. think up 12 random douche-bags chug me down but heads at the back of Sherfield and I in Reynolds Bar for them to vomit in definately find your everything; well It’s not. Let me tell paragraphs and job If anything in this or its associate there’s never any care. Some- sting like the daily rejections meted on and then drink from. true love by the end you’re full of shit! you why. Firstly, done. Turns out that sections offend you in any way, times I get spilled, you know Imperial guys by members of the op- I’m so fast that last night, an engineer of the coming week and even if you don’t you Anyway this week you’ll probably find out it starts with “Aber”, and that sounds Welsh. its much harder. You noticed? Turns out I’ll be please bear in mind I’m not every now and again I even get thrown posite sex. took off a girls clothes and came in his will at least have an interesting moment with a you have a terminal disease or something Welsh is most definitely not cool. Second, it’s needing 12 more next week...... This is really responsible for the Hangman Iback up! It’s disgusting I tell ya, I get no And let me say something to all those pants before they hit the ground. flaming hot Filipino homo. You know you love ... whatever. That sounds like cancer. Like not even Welsh! It’s like an Australian whose hard. I need to find a flaming hot Polish lesbo team. Those guys are crazy and respect. No respect at all. haters out there. I am the greatest drink Snakey B, as Muhammad Ali, peace that shiz, you Rice Queen! Give him a try. He’s I care. I’m not even the guy who writes the great-great-grandauntie was Scottish, and who to help me out. With writing the horoscopes, as a result don’t blame me. Things are about to change though. in the world. No I’m not the greatest out Imperial. Who will I be next week? great fun, and fits in a suitcase, to boot. horoscopes. therefore thinks he can wear a kilt. that is. 34 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 35

Designe by Alice Rowlands Fellwanderers battle trolls, mountains and reindeer in a tin Imperial fellwanderers took a summer trip to Jotunheim National Park in Norway, Christopher Mark reports on their adventures

“Trolls,” our guidebook stated, “are though only extending over 3900km2 first; a long, tiring slog alongside an- large snowfield put us at the base of the tacular near-vertical summit pinna- legendary creatures, hostile to hu- , there’s a real feeling of isolation. other lake, Russvatn, and then over a summit ridge, and a couple of hundred cle. Camping beside Leirvassbu hut at mans, found lurking anywhere in the Not that we felt very isolated the next col to the hut at Glitterheim. An Indi- metres scramble over loose scree and 1400m, we finished the last of the food mountains”. And in the mountains we morning; ana Jones style footbridge over a gorge boulders put us on the eastern end of we’d brought with us, while a copy of definitely were, on the Fellwander- Our first day’s hike, from Gjendeshe- provided a diversion and some amus- the summit ridge at Svellnose, about the board game Risk (in Norwegian) ers’ 2008 summer tour to Jotunheim im to Memurubu, included the ing video footage, but by the time we 220m below the main summit, which inside the hut allowed everyone to un- National Park in Norway, home to Bessegen ridge. One of Norway’s most reached Glitterheim some members was about a kilometre away along a leash their inner tyrant to their heart’s the highest mountains in Northern popular hiking trails, the day con- of the group were clearly struggling, fairly narrow ridge. Unfortunately, the content. Europe. The plan was to complete sisted of a steep 740m climb onto the summer term dissertations and exams weather, which had been overcast all Leaving Leirvassbu, the weather, al- a circuit of the park’s central region Veslfjellet ridge, which in turn drops having taken something of a priority morning, was rapidly closing in, and ready sunny, was perfect; we crested over a nine day period, hopefully down a steep, exposed scramble onto over fitness! It was decided to reduce the low col above the hut to reveal the bagging Norway’s highest mountain Bessegen proper, a narrow spine of the planned route by skipping the hut “ most gorgeous views down the snow- on the way. (And dodging the trolls, rock separating Lakes Bessvatn and at Skogadalsboen, and having a rest Extreme poker covered Langdalen valley to Hima- obviously.) Gjende. Bessvatn is about 10m below day at Glitterheim. Fortunately, the hut layan-looking mountain ridges in the And so it was that, thanks to the the ridge – and Gjende is about 400m was operated by the DNT (Norwegian – could be next distance, under a perfect blue sky. The magic of Ryanair (who optimisti- below, down a sheer cliff face. A great Hiking Association) and so was cheap ” day’s hike was relatively short, over al- cally define Stanstead as a ‘London’ scramble and even better views, even to sleep in, especially as we could pro- year’s big thing ternating snowfields and talus slopes airport), a group of eleven bleary- if half of Norway seemed to be on the vide our own food – in this case, my to a very steep snow-covered slope eyed fellwanderers were to be found ridge at times! (Very attractive they all famous ‘Meaty pasta with meat sauce’. with visibility dropping we decided not leading up to a col immediately before queuing up in the departure lounge were too – definitely more so than the Critical reviews were, well, critical; to continue along the ridge, which had Olavsbu- our destination for the night. at 4.30am, one Tuesday morning in denizens of the average UK mountain.) Evelyne succinctly described it as ‘dog- a lot of snow cover. With hindsight, we The hut was small and wonderfully July. We did note, though, that we seemed food’. Still, it did the job. regretted our early start; the weather remote; washing facilities included Despite hernia-inducing over- After a day of card playing, we bid cleared up by late afternoon, and with a deluxe river pool by the front door, weight rucksacks and the presence of “ goodbye to our bunk-room and head- better visibility we probably would complete with bobbing rafts of ice five kilos of porridge mix (granular Very attractive ed onwards to the road-head and large have had the confidence to reach the which hadn’t yet thawed. Needless to white powder in unmarked clear plas- hut complex at Spiterstulen. Gorgeous summit. Still, the herd of reindeer say most of the group went straight for tic bags - oh dear), everyone made it they all were weather and a pleasant ascent of the we encountered halfway down partly a mind-numbingly cold dip, followed to the plane intact, and we were soon col at Veslglupen gave way to torren- made up for it. by an attempted group photo sitting wandering around Oslo taking in the – definitely tial rain in the last hour of descent to The next day Mairead, Joe, Jon, on the largest ice raft. Unfortunately Lake Gjende. Shortly after we reached sights. Oslo actually achieves the rare the hut; our original plan to camp was Yvonne and Catarina decided to join it wasn’t quite thick enough to take it, I was ambushed coming out of the distinction of being one of the few more so than hastily discarded as we negotiated a a guided group to go walking on the the weight of Dave, the first person to bunkhouse and dropped in the lake – a cities more expensive than London, group discount for a bunk-room. This Svellnos glacier, hiring crampons from reach it, who sat poised on the edge for traditional Fellwanderers way of say- fortunately the prison-like Anker the denizens of was easier than it sounds; although the hut. Roped together, they got a a moment before disappearing through ing thank you to a trip organiser. Still, I Hostel (suggested corporate slogan: none of us could tell Norwegian from great look at some crevasses and ice- it with a startled yelp. managed to drag next year’s president, Resistance Is Useless) and the local the average UK alphabet soup, everyone we met spoke pillars close up. Dave, Anna, Nathan- Dinner and breakfast were provided Nathaniel, in with me – if I was going Subway franchise enabled everyone ” better English than we did, frankly. iel and myself meanwhile decided to by the hut; unlike the others we used in, so was he! to make it to the bus the following mountain We planned to stay two days at Spit- hike out to have a look at the northern Olavsbu was “self-service”, meaning Sadly, that was the end of our Nor- morning feeling reasonably human. erstulen, both to try and summit Gald- tongue of the Veobrean glacier. With- that you helped yourself to a selection way adventure; a boat the next morn- A five hour drive north put us by to have bigger rucksacks than any- hoppigen (Norway’s highest mountain out the equipment to get onto the gla- of tins and packets and paid for it all ing took us the length of Gjende back “Dinner the shores of 18km long Lake Gjende, one else – something that got harder at 2469m), and also to try and get a cier itself safely, we settled for a quick in an honesty box. Dinner featured to Gjendesheim and the bus connec- at the Gjendesheim road-head and and harder to ignore as we completed closer look at some of the glaciers in game of poker on a flat rock by the gla- tinned reindeer and a brand of tinned tion to civilisation, and a return to featured tinned hut, where Dave, Jon and Nathaniel the final climb and then long descent the area. So the next morning about cier’s snout. Extreme poker – could be vegetables called ‘Sodd’, while breakfast Stanstead via a bar in Oslo. We’d hiked promptly jumped in. And regretted down to Memurubu hut, halfway along two thirds of the group assembled for next year’s big thing. was packets of a dried porridge called 88km not including the side trips to reindeer, while it, unsurprisingly - Gjende is 1000m the northern shore of Lake Gjende. an early breakfast before starting up Putting Spiterstulen behind us, the ‘Grott’ (appropriate name!). Galdhoppigen and the glaciers. A above sea level and fed mostly by gla- As the mountain huts can often be the trail to Galdhoppigen (literally, “Big next day saw us pushing up the valley Bidding a fond farewell to Olavsbu fantastic trip and thanks in no par- breakfast was cial meltwater! expensive, we’d opted to carry tents Peak”- imaginative types, these Nor- to the hut and roadhead at Leirvassbu. and it’s magical location (and slightly ticular order to Nathaniel, Dave, Anna, Apart from the spectacular scen- and about half of our food - this kept wegians). Total ascent from Spiterstu- The valley walls on each side towered less magical “traditional toilets” – Mairead, Catarina, Joe, Jonathan, packets of a ery, one of Jotunheim’s most attrac- the trek affordable, but there were len to the summit is 1363m – in other at least 1000m above us for the first think wooden seat over a large box) we Yvonne, Evelyne and Nick for making tive features is that there are no roads definitely times when all the gear just words, the climb to the top is greater few kilometres, making for a gentle but descended through rotting snowfields it so memorable! dried porridge within the park boundaries, nor any seemed far too heavy! than the entire height of Ben Nevis, the spectacular walk to Kyrkjeglupen, right and, lower down, a birchwood car- Sitting looking over the pictures permanent inhabitants apart from After packing the tents, the next day UK’s tallest mountain, from sea level! A beneath the mountain known as Kyrka peted with flowers to reach Gjendebu, weeks later in London, I for one wish called ‘Grott’ ” the staff of the mountain huts. So al- was definitely less spectacular than the steep walk followed by the crossing of a (“Church Steeple”), named for its spec- our final hut, at the western end of I was still there. 36 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 37 Sport [email protected] [email protected] Sport

Le MansIan Beer 24 Hour Skate 2008 ICBC Women Represent GB the event). At 2pm we were let in to of the less experienced skaters strug- the track to set up our space in the pits gled to stay upright at all! Rochelle was Clarice Chung threatened with investigation by the the joys of the sweat run then common we waited for the Pair’s final. They ment of all others present, I turned out As the rest of College slept soundly underneath the stands. Those same forced to employ a rather novel braking Imperial College Boat Club Passport Office and that we really sense got the better of him and decided raced hard all the way and were chal- to be the object of his affections. Even through their final night of term, one garages you see F1 mechanics spilling technique, but there were medical staff should try and relocate her bag. It was that it wasn’t worth risking his life an- lenging for the Silver medal at half way stern words from Erica (practising her intrepid band of sportsmen set out ear- oil in were now full of blow-up beds, close on hand! From there you opened Following on from the success at the also at this point, that Chewy chose to gering the hungry dehydrated skinnies but were eventually worn down by a best Terminator look) and Stevie T ly on a quest to make Imperial proud. chocolate croissants and skaters dis- on to a series of smooth turns and long BUSA Regatta in May, the Boat Club remind us that she was about to go to by sticking a camera in their faces. Oh bigger, more experienced crew. pretending to be my dad (!?) and slap- By lunchtime they were waiting in a cussing team tactics. gentle straights back to the start. qualified 5 crews for the European Uni- Cambodia to ‘look’ after orphans for 2 and it would seem that in most other Drinking commenced in earnest af- ping him with his gold medal did noth- traffic jam of what turned out to be The race began at 3pm with clas- versities Rowing Championships held months – we wish them luck. countries, their lightweights actually ter dinner to prepare ourselves for the ing to dent his determination and I was parked cars and driving the wrong way 24 hours is a long time to skate, and sification, a short 300m sprint to al- in Zagreb over the last week of August; Thursday saw the start of racing are light and don’t do the whole ‘sweat Euro-pop that we would have to endure forced to make an early retreat to bed. round the Paris ring road. while some will inevitably attempt to locate your team a place along the the Men’s and Women’s Lightweight (heats or race for lanes) and the hor- off 2 kg in 2 hours’ thing. In fact, they at the ‘Athletes’ party’. Having sent our Judging from the sore heads and feet We met at 7am, with enough methyl- do it alone without a break, we had dif- starting area, much like in the Racing Double Sculls, Men’s and Women’s ror that is the sweat-run for the light- think it’s just silly! intrepid Captain off in search of some the next morning, I gather that a good ated spirits in our hand luggage to excite ferent plans: We had decided to organ- car equivalent. We managed a healthy Lightweight Quadruple Sculls and a weights. We piled on the layers and Having learnt from our previous wine, we joined the Glasgow boys for time was had by all. even the most sedate sniffer dog, and ise ourselves into a shift pattern with mid-field placing and Josh was chosen Women’s Pair. However, due to logis- ran and ran and ran, eventually mak- race, the quad got off to a good start a few games of 21, which resulted in a It was a highly enjoyable and suc- proceeded to smuggle our cooking ap- two groups. We would all race together to race the first lap while those of us tical issues and increasing costs, only ing weight just over an hour before and were leading coming into the 500m lot of love being declared for Dr Nigel cessful week of racing with IC being paratus through Eurostar security. We during the day, taking one lap each at further down the order climbed the a small women’s squad made the jour- our race. Without sufficient time to re- mark, much to the surprise of Stevie ‘Killer’ Atkins (former Glasgow now IC the only squad where every member were headed towards Le Mans, France, a time, but during the night we would stands to watch. ney to Croatia with Head Coach Steve cover, our race was unsurprisingly not T. However, that wasn’t to last much coach) and a bit of nakedness. won a medal and the lightweight quad home of the famous 24 Hour Touring take a rest with one group of us taking To start the race everyone found their Trapmore leading the way and hoping great, but we managed to stay within 2 longer as the neater bladework of the A bucket of mystery alcohol (with a were also the highest placed British Car and Motorbike races, where we a well-deserved 4 hours uninterrupted allotted position along the start-finish to inspire us all to victory with tales of lengths of the winning Polish crew. Polish crew took them past and onto hint of Lucozade sport) made a surprise crew, winning the only silver medals. were to compete against 6000 fellow sleep while the others raced on with straight, put their unbuckled skates on how he stroked the GB eight to Olym- Claire and Chewy were then sup- a 2 length winning margin over us and appearance with its bearer proudly an- Many thanks to Stevie T for not only skaters in one of the biggest amateur more frequent laps, swapping over one side of the track and walked to the pic glory. posed to race the Lwt double but the the 3rd placed Italian crew a further 2 nouncing that he’d ‘pimped out one of organising everything, securing sub- skating events in the world. about 4am. other. When the starting orders were Arriving late Tuesday afternoon, prospect of 5 weigh-ins (and hence 5 lengths behind. the IC girls to a Polish guy for a bot- stantial sponsorship which allowed us The race takes place on the actual Le The rules of the race were simple; given they then had to sprint barefoot Skaters strike pose for the press! there was just enough time for a quick sweat runs) in 3 days was too much It was then time for us to indulge in tle of cheap red wine’. Said Polish boy to go on this trip but also for a sterling Mans circuit, with skaters sleeping and three categories (Singles, Duos and across to their skates, put them on and tour of the rowing lake and its asso- to bear and the decision was made to a much deserved lunch to celebrate the turned out to be persistent… far too effort looking after us all and dealing eating the pit lane. We had arrived the Teams) of competitor all skate on the skate off as quickly as possible. The ciated nudist beaches before settling scratch the doubles entry and focus our end of a 3 month diet with cake o’clock persistent in claiming his wares. Much with all the hunger-induced tantrums day before and camped in a field over- same track in a relay fashion. Those real pros were able to skate off with someone may latch on to you and you teams at the top who were tied on laps. into our home for the next few days, efforts on winning the Quads. The race lasting well into the afternoon, whilst to my embarrassment and the amuse- from the Lwts. looking the course, preparing both with the most laps after 24 hours win! unfastened skates, waiting for the first have to drag them around the whole The final rounds had to be taken by the student halls of Zagreb University. officials, however, weren’t so keen on mentally and physically for the gruel- The course provides excellent skat- descent to tighten them, while others course with no help at all! the same person, traditionally waving Their kitchens had clearly been well us pulling out of the race, until Chewy ling challenge ahead of us by eating ing, 4.2k with a wonderful smooth sur- valued their ankles a little more and Having worked this out a competi- their flag behind them and treating the briefed and were over-zealously ply- faked near-death and got the medical burnt burgers and drinking. face (a welcome change from our Lon- decided it might be better to tie them. tion emerged between the faster skat- last laps as more of a procession than a ing us with large amounts of pasta, team to declare her unable to race that The following morning was spent don training). As you left the pits there Only a couple of our team had done ers in our team to see if we could break race, the top teams however continued potatoes and mystery meat. However, afternoon… perusing the various skating stalls and was a fairly steep 600m climb before a this sort of skating before, it was up to the elusive 9 minute lap. This may not sprinting right down to the bitter end. with the weigh-in imminent, the light- The pair of Jenny and Erica raced displays while being accosted by vari- very tight downhill corner, which the the rest of us to learn the techniques sound like much, but we had all spent Being tied on laps it was down to the weights were left to indulge in some of well, putting up a good fight for second ous larger than life skating Duracell pros would take tucked over with their and etiquette from others as we raced the last month revising in the library first over the line after the 24 hour bell Slimfast’s finest products whilst eve- place but were unfortunate to be over- bunnies (the not-so-subtle sponsor of chin almost on their knees while some round the track. As in cycling, swim- and may have let our intensive training had rung. We climbed up to the stands ryone else tucked into their 4 course taken coming into the last 500m. ming and even running you can gain schedule slip slightly. After an tough again to watch the teams come home, meals. There was no racing scheduled for an enormous advantage by racing in few hours, and more than his fair share for the first time noticing the varied Wednesday morning saw us rising either of our crews on Friday, so it was someone else’s slipstream. In skat- of the communal chocolate, Ian did fi- fancy dress that some had worn, one early for a paddle to make the most of all about the pre-lunch nap, the after- ing this is taken to the extreme, with nally manage it after 7 or so laps with a team choosing to race the entire event the cooler temperatures. This was, in noon snooze and the post-paddle kip. groups of up to 10 skaters all racing in time of 8:52. in leather jackets, another in dresses theory, a good idea but it did leave us Oh and there was a little bit of loitering tight formation, each crouching down As we slowly approached the 20th and (looking at the photos online) with nothing to do all afternoon. With about coffee-shops playing the ‘point- in an aerodynamic tuck position and hour things were starting to get tough! someone dressed as a giant battery. the sun beating down on us and bore- ing’ game. Which actually involves no grabbing hold of the person in front The feet preparation rituals were get- Erika brought our team in for a very dom setting in quickly, Steve had no pointing at all. Don’t ask. I don’t get it for the corners. After a few laps we ting more and more involved (carbon respectable 7th out of 15 university option but to agree to our demands of either. realised that the way to get fast times speed skates are not designed to be teams, managing 131 laps. The over- a trip into town after lunch. The Quad’s Final was on Saturday was not purely by skating hard, but by either the least bit comfortable nor to all winners completed an astounding And so off we headed for the delights morning so it was another early start being able to latch on to one of these be worn for 24 hours) and our Vaseline 206 laps, the fastest recorded lap time of the Botanical Gardens for a relaxing as we set about our last-minute weight ‘pacelines’ as they are known. There and blister plaster supplies were get- being 6:17 (an average speed of over afternoon, or so we thought. No soon- loss, which can be summarised as: put was no hope of keeping up with the ting low. Some of the team had decided 45kmh!). We averaged a more sensible er had we driven our way through the on every bit of kit you own, maybe a lycra-clad teams, who were completing to call it a day and we decided to let the average of around 11 minutes. pedestrian zone in the centre of town plastic bag if you’re really desperate, laps in under 7 minutes, but there were faster skaters take more frequent laps. No doubt the exhaustion-induced and managed to park when Chewy run, strip down and check weight, put plenty of slower lines which formed Down to 40 minute rotations now hallucinations of skating baguettes realised that she’d misplaced her bag horrible, damp, stinky kit back on, and disbanded all round the course. there was just enough time for a 10 shall haunt us forever, but if you still (complete with wallet and passport). run…. repeat as many times as neces- Unfortunately, this has its price: since minute nap and another croissant be- think all this sounds like a whole lot It dawned on us that this was a regu- sary. It is as much fun as it sounds. Ste- you had to be skating fast enough to fore forcing your feet back into the of fun and want to join in then come lar occurrence and that she would be ve briefly contemplated documenting GB was represented by universities across the UK with IC highest placed. join any paceline which might pass skates and limping back to the track! along to our skating sessions in Hyde you with a short effort, you always ran As the clock ticked ever closer to Park every Wednesday afternoon and Skaters just before the start of Le Mans 24 hour. the risk of starting one yourself, where 4pm things started to get tense for the have a go!

ICBC Own Pyrenees on Cycling Camp Crossword No. 1,410 Answers to: [email protected] 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Christina Duffy Less steely-nerved cyclists were nurs- With bicycles and cyclists reunited, a together and made themselves aprons. Following a tough week on the legs ICBC Press Officer ing their hand cramps and requiring a speedy descent left the troops at the Well sort of… they got dressed again. it was with great relief that the local Across 31 Until Death loses his top hat and 20 Man, strangely-built on the change of more than just brake blocks foot of yet another mountain, and after Fueled by carefully rationed cereal lake were offering canoe rentals and gets a Spanish accent (5) outside, takes you off to your death Although the domestic rowing sea- after particularly steep descents. A climbing Col d’Aspin it wasn’t long un- bars and only a handful of raisins condi- we could give the quads a rest on our 1 OPEC deliver apology without a 32 Mistakenly eats wheel, goes pop (7) son had finished for the summer, minor respite on day 4 ensued with a til arrival, albeit destroyed, at the cha- tions continued to worsen and morale final evening and get some upper body 9 10 shift in position after oil spill (9) (3,6) 23 Brutally slain by Arabs (7) keen members from Imperial College vist to Lourdes and a brief stop-off at let in Estarvielle. was low. Hallucinations started kicking workouts. But they were too expen- 6 Words of a song in early Cyrillic 24 Reformed Eastern Church has Boat Club could still be found for- Lac de Lourdes where Winny, who gets Taking advantage of fatigue and the in after surviving a viscous bull attack, sive, so we got pedalos instead. After translation (5) broken-down red Fiat (6) lornly hanging around the boathouse very distracted when within a five mile lack of an ability to think rationally, some dangerous stumbles and the sud- repeatedly nailing each other up and 9 Get rid of ID cards; or at least tear Down 27 Sing the last few bars of discordant in Putney. We could only be shifted radius of a lake, and his speedos, made Winny managed to convince Chewy den drop in temperature resulting in down the lake we finally but briefly re- 11 12 13 them up (7) melody (5) with Tom Sutherland’s solemn prom- their first of many appearances. (Rachael Davies) and Nick Ablitt to join an emotionally broken Chewy asking a laxed to catch a few rays. 10 8, taking heart from the weaker 1 Command structure (5) 28 Is not one neophyte sitting, ise of +2000 metre climbs and high On day 5 basecamp was shifted and him the following day after excitedly distant rock to take their photograph. The minibus was on call all week 14 sex, gets to change position (7) 2 Dip is nice to send back and terrified, at the start? (4) speed descents through the Pyrenees the route for the day involved climbing spotting yet another lake on the map. Top navigation from Nick eventually for those finding themselves or their 11 Rumour started to put about before examine (7) 30 Rival editor abandoned man in Southern France. and descending the highest mountain Will Todd had already annouced his brought the crew safely home. It was, bikes broken half-way up a mountain. 15 15 16 17 Communist split (8) 3 Pop a question to show concealed... behind Robinson Crusoe (3) And so last August boats were switched road pass in the Central Pyrenees: Col undying love for Winny and would not apparently, ‘Epic’ and the saga was re- Luckily there were no emergencies 13 Grunts wildly when highly nervous (6) for bicycles and oars replaced with du Tourmalet towering at 2115m. The be parted so the foursome headed off lived over and over and over, and over with only a few punctures and a bro- 18 (6) 4 ... gold buried from long ago (3) O T I M O C O I Y C L H R E C pedals, all disassembled and loaded climb to the peak is 19km from Luz St. in high spirits the following morning. again during the drive home in the ken gear cable reported over the week. 15 Artificial cheese sent back (4) 5 Hail Queen from years gone by (4) A E R O D R O M E F O R U M into the mini-bus for the long drive to Saveur with an average gradient of 7.4% After cycling beyond Col du Peyre- mini-bus. Which we couldn’t get out of Thanks to all our drivers who helped 19 20 21 22 23 16 Something on fire jacket (6) 6 Following fiery outburst, D A S R A O D P R N V U R R E the picturesque village of Luz-St-Sau- and reaching 10.2% near the summit. sourde, the road ended turning into a for 17 hours. Sigh. out. Praise is well due to svelte athletes 17 Barrel made with central part of Conservative politician winds up in S C I M I T A R E T U R N O N veur for some tough pre-season cross Regrouped at the peak we realised this steep and rough track. Lac de Borderes Meanwhile back at basecamp it was Clarice Chung and George Addams for 24 21 tree (3) toilet (8) R H P O U C E E T S T H U P G training. was only as high as the road went. We ou de Bareilles was the destination, BBQ night. The girls & Ben prepared their ability to tear over the mountains 19 Knits odd uniform (3) 7 Send down a different path around N I N C H U S O C R A T E S The first four days were spent as- had to get to the very top. And touch and while other professional climbers the food while the boys stood around in impressive style. 25 26 27 21 Where proverbially dirty animals our tree (7) M D D E I E L S Z E R N E A M cending and descending the surround- it. Bikes were ditched and after an hour struggled with hiking boots and climb- prodding the coals and discussing the Other noteworthy cyclists were John live: Epping, is a mess (6) 8 Tidy around gymnasium after C O M M U T E S A R D I N E ing terrain including past Tour de of hiking we arrived at Observatoire du ing sticks, our four heroes, donned in best method of ignition. Sargeant Iain Davey who ‘owned’ himself all week 28 22 Arrange portable network system Russian minister (9) K U G A P I G M E D U I C S N France climbs such as the infamous Pic du Midi de Bigorre at 2877m. lycra and flip-flops, shoulder pressed Palmer assumed control of the cooking and Tom Sutherland, who not only or- (4) 12 Speech on the death of the melted A G G R I E V E C O D E R N Hautacam. Road signs are placed at Ben Anstiss and I were less than en- their bicycles to the summit. and soon burgers, kebabs and sausages ganised the entire week and planned 29 30 25 Metric unit of measurement used Yule Log lost last April (6) S H M B L L P A S P E T B F Y every kilometre mark detailing the dis- thused about the lake that Winny had Will and Winny suddenly saw the were being savaged. It was approaching the routes but showed impressive for comparisons (6) 14 Crazed sect supports the full range S T Y L U S L N U T S H E L L N tance to the summit and the average earmarked for a swim on the way up, lake and although in a state of near darkness when our four very exhausted endurance covering as many cols as 26 Building society (8) of Native Americans,... (6) I I O I A E E D F I R A O D gradient until the next sign. Conditions and so we inadvertently smuggled our hypothermia they did what they had adventurers made their way back to the possible. 29 The beginnings of progress in ways 15 ...denouncing fake Smith substitute M E A N S F E R O C I O U S were misty intially, veiling what must way down on the ski lift ending up come to do. Then the eyes of both chalet, who were only too delighted to Aching and sunburned, but fit as fid- 31 32 leading to different destinations (7) (9) T R L G E A P R E N E C E T L have been spectacular views resulting on a different mountain, and having were opened, and they knew that they be bombarded by fireworks upon their dles, we celebrated a very successful 30 Drawback comes later for 10 in 10 18 Wise man swallows medication, in chilling conditions at high altitudes. to hitch our way back to the bicycles. were naked; and they sewed fig leaves arrival. trip upon our return to London. (7) making a mess (8) Enoch 38 felix Friday 10 October 2008 Friday 10 October 2008 felix 39 Sport [email protected] [email protected] Sport

Henley Royal Regatta Christina Duffy underway with the Imperial compos- Disc Doctors spin Europe ite crew out muscling Martyrs B.C. & ICHC does Berlin On the final day of racing at Henley the Christ Church, Oxford by 1 ¼ lengths. Michael Foster wind/downwind play rotated but with between the 19th and 21st September Ian Lawrence match for much of the game, but their report in German when he strolled pressure was on the men’s coxless four ICBC are very proud of all four crew beach Ultimate teams only consisting and saw us returning for our 4th year ICHC Tour Secretary idea of a mixed team (1 girl!) eventually through the arch of the hostel! to bring victory to Imperial competing members who were outright deserved The summer has been an exciting one of 5 players, the team were able to find and aiming to improve upon our 17th showed and we lost 5-2. However, off On Wednesday, feeling somewhat for the Visitor’s Challenge Cup. Don’t winners. Much expensive champagne for the Ultimate Frisbee team, known the extra fresh legs in the squad to beat seeding out of 30 from 2007. the pitch, they turned out to be a fan- worse for wear we played a men’s match be mislead by the term coxless, this was was sprayed around and the blazers as Disc Doctors (or dD). For those that PIP at a point cap of 6-5. The first day of the tournament saw tastic group. They threw a BBQ for us, against a very strong Berliner Sport a crew of pure 100% MAN, or beast/ were dusted off for the prize giving don’t know, Ultimate is a mixed team For the final match of the day dD de- us playing three teams – two Belgian This year’s Imperial College Hockey made us drink from a glass boot and Club side. We played the club’s 2nd machine-hybrid, we aren’t sure, but ceremony to collect their accolade for sport played with a frisbee, either in- ployed some advanced defence to take and one British – for rank in our pool. Club tour was to Berlin, mainly because joined in our drinking games. The sec- team, but we later found out their first thankfully there is no pending inves- ‘Most Dashing Bow Pair’. doors, outdoors on grass, or on the advantage of the intensifying wind. We beat each of them pretty convinc- there’s lots to do and lots of teams to ond match was against TC Blau Weiss team played in the hockey equivalent tigation from the powers that be. Tri- Meanwhile ICBC supporters spent beach. Lazily, it can be described as a A zone formation was adopted and ingly and the wet conditions seemed play (always a problem on tour). We a much younger team, with a fairer bal- of the Championship, this in a country umph lay in the large, unmoisturised the weekend sampling Cobra Beer, col- cross between netball and American proved very difficult for Finnish na- to help us on our way. So, pleased with started as we meant to go on – pull- ance of girls. Yours truly was umpiring that won the hockey gold at this year’s and capable hands of Imperial’s Simon lecting Vaseline body lotion samples Football. More specifically, however, tives Albino Wales to break through. our performance and our games done ing an all nighter at the Union before (I think that makes me an international Olympics. We did lose this match 3-1, Hislop and George Whittaker, teamed for healthy resilient skin, trying out the there are between five and seven play- Lots of turnovers were forced giving for the day, and the weather now suit- catching an early flight from Gatwick. level umpire, right?) and it was a close scoring with a cracking goal from Nug- with Kingston R.C.’s Keiron West and latest fad on the erg scene and gener- ers on each team, with the aim being us many scoring opportunities, with a ably Italian, we had lots of time to relax Well, most of us caught the flight, Di- first half, plenty of girls from both sides get Porn. We did put up a great fight stroke man Trigger. After months of ally cheering for anybody with a name to pass the disc between team mates, very good number bearing fruit. Half- on the beach with a few drinks before ana forgot his passport and had to per- leaving the score at 4-2 to us. How- though and it was only a moment of intensive land training at ICBC and that could be easily pronounced. For working it up the pitch to score a point way through the short 40 minute game going to the party that night. suade his hall warden to drive it out to ever, our extra stamina and extra subs madness from keeper Cotton-eyed Joe water sessions on the tideway the those of us lucky enough to be deemed in the opposing team’s end-zone. Good dD had a comfortable 5-2 lead. The Fuelled by our successful start but him before catching a later flight, cost- seemed to show in the 2nd half and the and a penalty stroke that separated us! coaching team were in no doubt as to worthy of the steward’s enclosure, the spirit is a big part of the game, and so Albino Wales responded with a zone slightly hindered from drinking the ing him over £130!! From the airport final score was 7-3. No entertainments They also turned out to be great bunch the potential outcome. The first race afternoons slipped away in a haze of matches are refereed between players, defence of their very own, resulting in night before, we were ready to take the famously reliable German trans- this time (I think a few had school the of guys and we stayed late helping to took place on Saturday where London oversized blazers, sunshine, Pimms with no external official, and any fouls a gruelling point. A slight advantage in on the teams in our challenging pool. port network failed us, by seemingly next day!) So we had to make our own empty their bar. They also enjoyed our R.C. & Wallingford R.C. became the and general poncing. Here one could are sorted out between those involved. stamina gave the Wales the strength to We won the first game against an Irish running out of electricity and we had amusements by consuming a vast punishment for leaving kit on the pitch, first casualty and were easily defeated. purchase ladies hats, because ladies At the beginning of July, 16 dD set off win the crucial point and unfortunately team in a very hard fought match, but to take a circuitous route through most amount of booze and meat at a nearby making the forgetful player drink a Captain Praying Mantis preparing for battle. Bad weather conditions hampered the are encouraged to wear hats. Henley is to sunny Finland, the land of 22 hour the rest of the game, finishing 9-6.After lost the last two to the 2007 winners of Berlin before finding our hostel in a Croatian themed restaurant. pint through it; the Germans promised final days racing schedule and after a a unique and prestigious event, one of sunshine and saunas. Having never a good, hard day’s Ultimate, the team and then the eventual winners of this grimy area of East Berlin. As tour sec I No match on Tuesday so we headed to make future forgetful players from restart, some paint chippings and more the few places on earth where regatta previously entered, the tournament on were looking forward to showing the year’s tournament – overall a real bitch was also on a bit of a losing streak, suc- off to the zoo where Plug confessed their club injure a similar penalty. of beer to go around. The following some technicolour moments courtesy time delays, the race eventually got radio is appreciated. Yteri beach was to be a new experience rest of the world how to party. Turning of a pool! We ended up joint second in cessfully losing people at the rate of 1 he would like to sleep with a chicken Our last game was against SV Berlin- night was our last night in Berlin and of Charlie 2. Later came various bars for the team. Rumours were spreading up fashionably late, dressed for sum- our group just to be relegated to 4th an hour for most of the first day. (Don’t and hid his shame by keeping Dunkin’ er Bären. They were a closely matched we celebrated in style. We started with and clubs of which I have no memory, of the fierce, efficient playing style of mer, dD took the beach disco by storm. place due to points difference, mean- worry, they all found their way to the Donuts in business for the week. In side, but we were better and should a huge fine circle, with punishments but apparently Fourplay sent me home the northern Europeans so it came with An unforgettable night slowly drifted ing we would return the next day fight- hostel eventually!) the evening we headed off on a huge have won it. However, some contro- dealt out by chairman PF for trans- in a taxi due to my level of inebriation! welcome relief that we were seeded in into the morning – especially consider- ing for 13th place. Although slightly Our first match was out in West Ber- pub crawl where there was free vodka versial umpire decisions and a moment gressions throughout the tour, result- We made it back with no problems the very depths of the team tables. ing night only lasted two dusky hours. deflated, we knew we had a good night lin against Hockey Club Argo 04. This which could only lead to the girls and of madness from keeper Cotton-eyed ing in a dual stick pint for Friendly on Saturday and I left everyone to Clad in red shorts, custom yellow The rest of the tournament went very ahead of us in the form of the zombie/ was played in the middle of the day and boys of ICHC trying to put the Bonobo Joe led to us going down 3-2 with a Fire and Board Shorts. We also dealt make their way home to various cor- shirts and copious amounts of colour successfully, with two more wins and a horror themed main party. last night’s liquid preparation (where monkeys from the zoo to shame, if you good showing from some of the players out the tour awards; Token Lezza was ners of the UK. It was a good tour, coordinating accessories, the team had final seeding of 8th out of 32 teams. On the Sunday we headed to the Praying Mantis got elected mixed cap- get my drift… Also, some panic on my from the lower teams in the club, with awarded Player of the Tour and Diana short and sweet with lots of hockey, already blown away the competition in The displays of diplomacy across the beach in a wholly unconvincing state tain for tour and Diana was elected part as Star Trek had gone AWOL at goals from both Fourplay and Friendly was awarded T*at of the Tour. We then how it should be! the style sweepstakes. Unfortunately three days combined with gifts for the to play Ultimate: there were those of men’s captain) and the lack of hockey sometime, I was just starting to won- Fire. This team treated us to a meal moved on, in true British team on tour ICHC would like to that IC Trust for the match against Dark Side early Sat- other teams earned dD the Spirit of the us that were hungover and those who for a few months showed. It was a close der how you filled a missing persons of schnitzel and chips after and plenty style, to a local curry house, leading to their continued support of the club. urday morning wasn’t such a walko- Game prize: a massive, novelty bottle weren’t – but only because they were ver. Having arrived several days early of champagne, just going to show that still drunk. It was a picture that dD had in Finland, most of the squad seemed winning on the field (or beach) isn’t al- seen all too often. However, playing in afflicted with mysterious morning ways the most important thing. Then, this state is a skill every dD player is headaches (read: hangovers), giving in the dying days of the summer (Sep- born with, and we managed pretty easy ICURFC rumble with the Pumas rise to a sloppy first couple of points. tember, actually, but there was really wins over the two teams (Belgium and Some desperate play helped us claw no summer to have dying days of) dD Austria) to earn our 13th place. Overall Continued from back page onstrator to demonstrate they were Borj : “No, but you just know…” with some Fernet, but it could have Iguazu for what was a great night. The Crew and coaches celebrate after winning the Visitor’s Challenge Cup. back to put the score roughly even but embarked upon the highlight of our it was an excellent tournament with a working fine, Kieran then went on to General Tourist: “Yeh, right…” been coke… We were served the most next day, Iguazu Falls was on the agen- the opposition eventually pulled away Ultimate calendar. The Burla Beach healthy mix of competition, sunshine propriate to stay behind with a girl insult his mother in fluent Italian… JJ, We arrived in time for a spot of lunch delicious roast pig. When the pig ran da and it was absolutely breathtaking, again to win 6-4. Play started gelling Cup is an international mixed Ulti- and parties. Look out for Burla 2009 he had met in Buenos Aires at her fam- meanwhile, had been getting his friend followed by watching a juniors match. out our hosts ordered pizza for us. even the great bear James Pettit was together a bit better in the next game mate tournament played on the beach when dD will return to the beaches of ily home in Mendoza. on with a rather peculiar girl on the We had an epic last performance de- Everyone was very tired and we had a 5 humbled by the sheer magnitude of against PIP. Points were traded as up- in Viareggio, Italy. This year it was held Viareggio! In Cordoba, our hostel was situated roof of the hostel, details could not stroying a very good opposition 60-5. hour coach journey back, so some kill- the waterfalls. That evening the boys Ultimate Swimming in the red light district. Disembarking be extracted, apart from a mumbling Our forwards came together brilliantly, joys wanted to sleep on the coach whilst tucked into numerous Irish girls whilst Erika Cule better medical care for Duchenne and from the bus, we noticed some serious- about twice as much as Chumble. Niall Watson and Mark Saleme dem- the rest of the players went to a club. Chumble had the privilege of visiting Becker Muscular Dystrophy. ly hot trannies marching past us; we Our 4th and last match was in Gorge onstrating how much they’d learnt all In fairness it was empty, and we had one of the infamous pay per hour ho- Could you swim a mile for charity? Duchenne muscular dystrophy is a in association with Sports Partnership knew we had arrived. The guys in Men- Rosse, which was actually 250km away tour, with Nick Johnstone stating his agreed with the guys on the coach that tels. Joe Brown was now sporting a ri- What about two? How about twenty- genetic disorder caused by a mutation Fixtures doza had promised us that the women from Cordoba. Borja arrived minutes claim to a backs place, with his frog- we would leave at 2.30-3.00. Most of diculous hair cut, with the excuse “The four? in the dystrophin gene. The condition in Cordoba were the best in Argentina, before the 8am depart time. The first tadpole style side step that had the op- the boys had got back on the bus, then clippers ran out of battery”. On Saturday 4 – Sunday 5 October, causes progressive muscle weakness as we hoped they would not disappoint. question on everyone’s lips to Borj position laughing in stitches. Everyone on the stroke of 2 the club got packed, The departure time to return to BA Erika Cule (President) and Julia Hornig the muscle cells break down and die. It Monday 13th October Football Rugby After some sight seeing and relaxation, went like this: played superbly, one man above the with loads of stunners. With only 8 of was put back hour after hour as the (Treasurer) of Imperial College Swim is a rare condition with about 100 suf- Badminton Men’s 1st vs Brunel West London Men’s 3rd Men’s 2nd vs St Barts Men’s 1st some of the boys went quad biking in General Tourist: “Borj did you con- rest; Freddie Chalk demonstrated a the tour party remaining, there was a boys enjoyed splendid sunshine and and Water Polo Club took part in the ferers born in the UK each year and Mixed 1s ULU vs King’s College Mixed 1s the country which was great fun. Kier- summate your friendship?” complete running, passing and kicking queue of nubile young hotties waiting cheap caipirinhas around the pool. “Ultimate Swimming Challenge” – about 1,500 boys with the disorder liv- Men’s 2nd vs Uni of Greenwich Men’s 3rd Men’s 3rd vs Uni of Sussex Men’s 2nd an “Mario” Burge on his 3rd warning in Borj : “Yeh! And she was a virgin!” game, at his second ever performance for their chance to talk to us. Bevis Chumble delayed the departure back swimming one mile, on the hour, every ing in the country at any one time. Netball his doon bug, collided with such force General Tourist: “What, she bled?” at 10 and rightly earned himself the got touchy feely with one, only for her to BA, by insisting he would just nip hour, for twenty-four hours. Duchenne muscular dystrophy, Womens’s 1s ULU vs Royal Holloway 1s Women’s 1st vs Roehampton Uni Women’s 1st Men’s 1st vs UWE Bristol Men’s 1st to Alex Johnstone’s quad that the two Borj : “No, she does a lot of horse rid- Man of the Match Award. brother to get a bit worried because to the toilet as we were departing….40 Both managed half the distance, named after the doctor who first stud- could not be separated. Kieran dem- ing, but I could tell” The celebrations that evening were she was 16. She was telling him she was minutes later we finally set off. twelve miles apiece - a tough enough ied this specific condition in the 1800s, Women’s 2s ULU vsImperial Medicals 3s Men’s 3rd vs Universities at Medway Men’s 1st Men’s 4th vs Universities at Medway 1st XV onstrated with the instructor that the General Tourist: “So she never said great with lots of beer and Fernet. free from or so he claims. This amaz- Back in Buenos Aires the agenda was achievement. One mile is thirty-two mainly affects boys, with extremely breaks did not work, only for the dem- she was a virgin?” Some even speculated they saw Taj ing scenario was cut short by Malcolm shopping, and other cultural activi- lengths of a fifty metre pool, equiva- rare exceptions. Squash Men’s 4s ULU vs University College Men’s 5s Squash Sim; insisting that staying whilst every- ties such as eating and drinking. A few lent to sixty-four lengths of the pool Most affected boys show the first Men’s 3s ULU vs Imperial Medicals Men’s 1s Women’s 1st vs King’s College Women’s 1st one else was asleep on the coach, was more memorable nights out ensured at Ethos. As well as swimming fatigue, symptoms of motor difficulties as tod- Men’s 5s ULU vs University College Men’s 6s just “Disgusting” behaviour. the tour was a great success and thor- powerful chlorine fumes made breath- dlers. As they get older and the condi- Men’s 1s ULU vs Imperial College Men’s 2s Men’s 2nd vs Uni of Hertfordshire Men’s 1st After the last match everyone real- oughly enjoyed by all. The boys were ing difficult. Participants battled with tion progresses they may be unable to Men’s 6s ULU vs King’s Medics Men’s 5s ised that we then had 12 days of holi- all very nostalgic about heading back, sleep deprivation, and nutrition and walk as far or as fast as other children, Volleyball Men’s 1st vs Uni of Kent Men’s 1st day ahead of us. It was about to get a and our time in Argentina certainly hydration were difficult too. occasionally even falling down. Some Mixed 1s ULU vs LSE Mixed 1s Men’s 7s ULU vs Goldsmiths Men’s 3s little messy. won’t be forgotten. Rugby gave us the By seven miles in the first swimmer boys may also have learning or behav- Table Tennis The 22 hour bus journey saw Kieran common ground to make lots of new had called it a day, and after halfway ioural difficulties which start to show Watepolo Hockey Men’s 1st vs University College London Men’s 1st and Alex destroy every team who dared friends with people from a different the numbers fell further. Of twenty- at this stage. 1st ULU vs University College Men’s 2nd vs Queen Mary Men’s 1st to challenge them at Tarnib (A.K.A. culture. We are certainly going to try eight starters, only the seven fittest and Duchenne is a progressive disorder Women’s 1st vs Middlesex Uni Women’s 1st Turnip, A.K.A. Lebanese Bridge). and emulate the Argentine’s “3rd half” most determined made it to the end, - young men are totally paralysed by Wednesday 15th October Men’s 1st vs Uni of Essex Men’s 1st Even Badger “I played international whenever we have the opportunity at testament to the unique severity of this late teens and die young from respira- Badminton Men’s 1st vs Uni of Reading Men’s 1st bridge for England U16” couldn’t halt Harlington. The Argentines’ generos- difficult task. tory or heart failure. Your donations Men’s 1st vs Uni of Portsmouth Men’s 1st Women’s 2nd vs Uni of Portsmouth Women’s their progression to the top. But then ity was beyond comparison, inviting 2swim4life was the brainchild of and support will help us end this tragic 2nd Tennis again he also came up with gems such us into their homes and providing us Stewart Rush, a dad from Petersfield waste of young lives. To congratulate Men’s 2nd vs King’s College Men’s 1st Men’s 2nd vs Roehampton Uni Men’s 1st as “Peanut once took a 6kg dump, it’s with copious amounts of food and in Hampshire whose son Joe was di- the swimmers and donate to this im- Men’s 4th vs Kingston Uni Men’s 2nd true, it happened”. drink, they really demonstrated what agnosed with Duchenne Muscular portant cause, visit www.justgiving. Women’s 1st vs Uni of Reading Women’s 1st Women’s 1st vs London Met Uni Women’s 2nd Everyone was very chuffed to dis- the spirit of rugby is all about. Dystrophy last year. After a ten-mile com/2swim4life Lacrosse cover that we had a pool when we got Tour veteran Badger commented fundraising swim of his own in May After a great weekend, the team is Basketball Women’s 1st vs Uni of Brighton Women’s 1st Volleyball to Iguazu, with captain supreme Anjit “That it was far better organised than 2008, Stewart cast around for a bigger still actively fundraising, as well as Men’s 1st vs London South Bank Men’s 2nd Women’s 2nd vs Uni of Essex Women’s 1st being the first in. After a spot of rock previous tours.” This can only be at- challenge and hit upon the 24-hour- making plans for next year. If you are Netball climbing and a boat trip, the hostel had tributed to the hard work of the tour swimathon, a format that to the team’s interested in taking on the “Ultimate Women’s 1st vs Roehampton Uni Women’s 1st Women’s 3rd vs LSE 3rd Men’s 1st vs Uni of Kent Men’s 1st a big BBQ with lots of caipirinhas. For committee. Special mention to Joe knowledge has not been attempted Swimming Challenge” or want to find some reason Anjit and the manager Brown who toured with a broken hand previously. out more, please visit www.2swim4life. Fencing Women’s 2nd vs Universities at Medway 1st Men’s 1st vs Uni of Kent Men’s 1st had a disagreement about Anjit’s su- and couldn’t play but instead came The event aims to raise £20,000 for com Men’s 2nd vs University College Men’s 2nd perb dancing abilities, which was set- up with a simple and successful game Action Duchenne, the only national To find out more about Imperial Col- Women’s 1st vs Uni of Hertfordshire 1st Waterpolo tled with a promise from one of the plan, a significant contribution to a Charity that exclusively funds research lege Swim and Water Polo Club, email Women’s 1st vs Uni of Kent Women’s 1st Men’s 1st vs Uni of Warwick Men’s 1st younger members that he would be- tour which will be remembered for for a cure and promotes campaigns for [email protected] The boys chilling with Caipirinhas in Iguazu! have. Later we all headed into Puerto many years to come. Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felix sport High resolution photos only Tours, tours, tours...

ICHC hit Germany... Rugby tackle Argentina Alex Johnston Organisation. Half way through the house lots of young lassies turned up in the sun, I’m cold in the shade” and ICURFC Tour Secretary festivities, Chumble disappeared, and Bevis was unstoppable, “Hola “Boys keep the language down, there prompting one of our hosts to come up Chicas” was being thrown around like are children around”. Jovan made his The tourists departed in two groups, with the gem, “Dónde está CHUMB- knickers at a Prince concert, whilst JJ first and only appearance to the tour Jack Cornish & one group early on Sunday morning ley”. Chumble was discovered asleep was thoroughly getting his friend on. side and had to be restrained and sub- Mustapher Botchway and the others later that afternoon. on the 68 seater, double decker tour The Fernet was being demolished. The stituted after 20 minutes. This was a Sports Editors Chumble (Richard Simons) thought it coach commissioned for our services two teams headed out to a local club at hard match, TC and Howard demon- appropriate to stay in a hotel next to by Joe Harris. Once Anjit had finished about 1am where mayhem was to en- strated some superb defence. Kieran Another week has passed for sports at the airport the night before. Despite coaching the girls u16’s hockey team, sue. I am not at liberty to disclose what had to depart through injury, leading Imperial and already we have been in- his best efforts and the 3 or 4 wake up the two sides boarded the love bus to happened next (I have no recollection) Alex Johnstone to be ushered to full- undated with info to put in the section. calls delivered by members of the tour- head to a club. After departing the but some ridiculous shapes were cut, back and the immeasurable Freddie This week there are tour reports from ing party, Chumble was late... “Won’t coach, Joe Harris was violently assault- “half head” was attained and other Chalk going to 10. Good work from Hockey, Rugby and Ultimate Frisbee happen again” he promised. ed by an act of revenge by an Argentine forms of debauchery occurred. When Malcolm, Bevis, McFadge, Jack Goring which are worth a read, especially if The touring party was reunited in grandma, his favourite shirt was never everyone arrived at the match in dribs and Badger in the tight gave Freddie you still need more convincing that Buenos Aires, the first day was spent going to be the same again after being and drabs at 12.45 for our 1 o’clock K.O the platform to launch his lightning at- tour (and sports) really is an amazing getting over jet lag and consuming co- drenched in bleach. After the beast had we felt the Argentines had played a cru- tacks with great lines from Joe Harris thing. pious amounts of steak. Player/coach, been calmed the two sides proceeded el trick on us. Nick Johnstone, Anjit, and Sasha Maitala all performing to The interest in the sports at Freshers’ well more coach, Jovan Nedic summed to what looked like Paradise Island. James Pettit and Tom Coggrave made clinch the win. Man of the Match Anjit Fair was amazing and it was good to up the good exchange rate and cheap Argentine clubs tend not to get going them pay in the loose, whilst Thomas had a superb all round performance. see so many budding and social sports steak with what was to become the until late, and this place was no excep- Carroll gave a master class in ‘Smash n During the post match celebrations men and women signing up. Boat rac- tour phrase, “I’m so happy”. The phrase tion. After we got suitably lubricated, Bosh’. Needless to say the victory was Chumble stole himself a couple of mo- es, matchbox, fives, and the chanting could be likened to his mood on and the huge club started to pack out and sweet but we still had things to work ments to psyche himself up for the all supplemented the sports played on off the pitch for the duration of tour! Kieran Burge made a cameo appear- on. After chilling out in Mendoza, raft- captain’s speech, which he delivered Wednesday in a good hearted fashion. After a day of touristy activities the ance to the stage show (two stunners ing, wine tasting and cactus wrestling elegantly. After saying our goodbyes For those of you who couldn’t make team had their first training session in and one midget in a gimp mask…). The we returned for our second match we headed off for the overnight trip to it to the trials or are still contemplat- the evening of the second day. Need- boys crawled home in dribs and drabs which was not going to be as easy. Cap- Cordoba. ing which sport to play needn’t worry, less to say the team was a little rusty. at all hours of the morning for reasons tain for this match, Chumble, lead with Our departure was not without some clubs are running a second day of The first match was against San An- only known to themselves. a barrage of pointless and misguided event, Borja (the only Spanish speaker trials in the near future and most run tonio on the outskirts of B.A. After a After B.A the tour headed to Mendo- motivational speeches. “Can we stand amongst us) decided that it was ap early/midweek training sessions dur- superb match, brilliantly controlled by za, where we were due to play the same ing the season. Contact the relevant fly half Kieran Burge, IC were victori- team twice. On the way there, the tour club captains for more information. ous with Malcolm Simm being named bus had a fight with a dog. The tour Continued on page 39 Those of you in teams already, fixtures as Man of the Match. The third half bus emerged victorious, poor dog. To start as early as Monday so bring your as the Argentines called it, involved give us a chance to really experience A-Game to the table and do IC proud! huge slabs of deliciously cooked meat Argentine culture we stayed with our Still contemplating joining a sport? washed down with lots of beer and hosts the night before the first game. Experience the camaraderie and the controversial Fernet (Argentine The first thing my host said to me in the (level 5) banter at the union on a Marmite equivalent in alcoholic form). very broken English was “You like par- Wednesday and rest assured your de- Mark “Four day hard on” Saleme de- ty? You like girls? You right place” We cision will be made easier, more so if molished the language barrier dem- knew it was on. The Argentine’s didn’t you spent the £6 entry fee on beers onstrating why Lebanon should be disappoint; they had organised a house instead! granted accession to the World Trade party for us at one of the hosts. At the