The personal, the political, the In defense of the Redfern run: Tracey Cameron: meet the pineapple: literary analysis of a photo essay illuminating Gamilaroi woman fighting to Clive Palmer’s poems / p. 7 art, culture, and history / p. 11 save her own language / p. 6

Why couldn’t The Simpsons handle the 21st century? p. 14 S1W4 / FIRST PUBLISHED 1929 PUBLISHED S1W4 / FIRST

H NI SOIT LETTERS Acknowledgement of Country Fan mail We acknowledge the traditional custodians of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. The University of Sydney – where we write, publish and distribute Honi Soit – is on the sovereign land of these people. As students and journalists, we recognise our complicity in the ongoing colonisation of Indigenous land. In the Senate and replace them soon regimes in Egypt and Turkey. The recognition of our privilege, we vow to not only include, but to prioritise and centre the experiences of Indigenous people, and to be reflective when we fail to. We Someone likes us with some five unidentified strangers, Someone else Brotherhood’s sectarian jihadists were recognise our duty to be a counterpoint to the racism that plagues the mainstream media, and to adequately represent the perspectives of Indigenous students at these masked corporate busybodies, in league with the al Qaeda’s sectar- our University. We also wholeheartedly thank our Indigenous reporters for the continuing contribution of their labour to our learning. Dear Sirs and Mesdames, et alia, who are not welcome in this sacred likes us ian jihadists from the beginnings of place of learning. Perhaps the words both the Libyan and Syrian conflicts, I have taken this opportunity to write of an old Master of Arts of Magdalen Congratulations to Zoe Stojanovic-Hill in 2011. The toll in death and destruc- Who made this to you, hoping that you find yourselves Hall, Oxford, William Tyndale, may do for the article on former al Jazeera tion has been enormous. Al Jazeera Editorial Contents in good health despite the damp this well here: “Se that none of you suffre.. boss Wadah Khanfar. Zoe gently ran consistent propaganda and its March. Certainly, the paper has been as a busybody in other mens matters.” raised several good questions about journalists (e.g. in Beirut) resigned in edition happen? in good health in the first few issues What an absurd and unbridled insult Mr Khanfar’s former role at the Qatari droves. It’s not clear what backing sec- Letters / 3 this year. It is pleasing to your read- to suggest that “commercial expertise” channel, including the petro-monar- tarian jihadists had to do with ‘dem- Editor-in-Chief: Aidan Molins ers that such principled and penetra- should guide the scholars of this place. chy’s responsibility for funding sec- ocratic stability’. Mr Khanfar’s main News and Analysis / 4 tive reporters as Mr Bell continue to Leadership at this University is not in tarian jihadists in Libya and Syria. In distinction in his later years at al Ja- Editors cover the issues of most import for us the bag; it is in the garbage. It is my the Arab and Muslim world al Jazeera, zeera was to pioneer brazen fake war Long Read / 6 Nick Bonyhady Kishor Napier-Raman (“University Senate commences first sometime hope that we may wake up from 2011 onwards, destroyed its for- news, in favour of those ‘revolutions’, Jayce Carrano Siobhan Ryan confidential external fellow selection from the madness to an institution of mer credibility with partisan and often dressed up as journalism. Why Sydney Culture / 7 Natassia Chrysanthos Michael Sun process,” 3rd week issue). Whereas collegiality and autonomy, and a will- fictionalised stories about the Libyan Ideas thought this made him a credi- Ann Ding Maani Truu my view of the restructure of the Sen- ingness to preserve the good and the and Syrian ‘revolutions’. Wadah Khan- ble speaker is anyone’s guess. Anyway, Opinion / 8 Justine Landis-Hanley ate is public, it causes great sadness right. far was the channel’s key player in the on this occasion student journalism and perturbation amongst many of 2005 reconciliation with the US, after was two steps ahead of those who re- Contributors my peers that the institution of the I have the honour to be, Dear Editors, tensions over the invasion of Iraq. Mr cruit talent for Sydney Ideas. Perspective / 8 Alisha Brown, Garnet Chan, Max Cullen, Eric Senate has been so perverted by the your most obedient and humble serv- Khanfar now claims to back liberal- Gonzales, Cameron Gooley, Imogen Harper, Nick pernicious and successful efforts by ant, and faithfully, ism and ‘democratic stability’ in the best wishes Creative / 10 Harriott, Jacob Henegan, Ruby Hillsmith, Jennifer senior managers of the University ad- region. However Zoe’s article makes Tim Anderson Horton, Owen James, Pranay Jha, Patrick Ryan, ministration to remove divers vener- Finn Gabriel Keogh clear his ongoing identification with Political Economy Photo Essay / 11 James Stratton, Courtney Thompson, Zhixian Wang, able staff and esteemed alumni from Arts V past and current Muslim Brotherhood Mary Ward, Jamie Weiss, Alison Xiao, and Alan Sports and Tech / 12 Zheng. This editorial is dedicated to this man I saw vaping Longer Read / 13 Artists while using a copy of last week’s Honi as an um- Deepa Alam, Natalie Ang, Matthew Fisher, Aiden Got mail? brella to shield himself from the rain. Magro, Ludmill Nunell, Brigitte Samaha, Jenna Best Send your irreverent takes Puzzles / 16 Schroder, Rebekah Wright, and Jess Zlotnick. I salute your Macgyver-like use of our publication and reverent rants to editors@ to keep your head dry, and I salute you even harder for stopping off at the new Law building to trash Regulars / 17 honisoit.com by 12pm each your drenched newspaper and pick up a fresh new Friday for publication. Keep it Honi umbrella to use for the rest of your commute. SUPRA / 18 of the May this week’s edition protect you from wet under 300 words and include weather just as well as last week’s edition did. May SRC Pages / 19 your name, degree, year, your clouds be thick and your vape juice flavours be succulent. Cover image by Deepa Alam. and favourite off-campus AM The Garter Press / 22 Honi Soit, Week 4 Edition, Semester 1 2017. Bless you, sir. Web spot to interview prospective members of your Honi ticket. Disclaimer: Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney NSW 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Nina Dillon-Britton, Pranay Jha, Isabella Pytka, William Ryan, Katie Thorburn, and Adam Ursino. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to We’ve recently been informed that Climate change is driving koalas to The Australian National University be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained not everyone has notifications set up drink, according to a recent USyd Students’ Association (ANUSA) voted within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. Please direct all advertising inquiries to [email protected]. for our Facebook posts. Firstly, make study. Koalas typically don’t need wa- to reaccredit to the National Un- sure you turn those on. Right now. ter, but increasingly low moisture lev- ion of Students (NUS) at a general However, if you’re one of the poor els in eucalyptus leaves — which can meeting last week. A representative people who didn’t have them set up be attributed to rising temperatures who voted in favour described the What’s on this week until we just told you to, you may have — seem to be changing their habits, NUS as “rancid” but said, “it needs According to your local rugby team. missed these stories over the week. as this image from the study shows. to be ‘hellish’ before I vote against”.

Small Trumpet Presents: Wom*n’s Comedy! Gaius Gracchus Pub Crawl SciSoc Annual Cocktail Party SUDS Presents: A Clockwork Orange Speed Friending When: Wednesday, March 29, 6:30pm When: Thursday, March 30, 6:00pm When: Friday, March 31, 8:00pm When: Wednesday, March 29, to Saturday, April 1 When: Tuesday, April 2, 11:00am Where: Hermann’s Bar Where: Starts at Hermann’s Bar Where: Hotel CBD Where: The Cellar Theatre Where: Eastern Avenue Price: Access $5 | Student $10 | Adult $15 Price: Free Price: Access $40 | Non-Access $45 Price: SUDS $3 | Access $5 | Student $7 | Adult $10 Price: Free

Matt: Hey boys, check this out. USyd’s funniest Benny: Hey Matt, you always had a hard on for Dylan: Maybe we can find some science students Benny: Fellas, how about this for some cultural Dylan: Ah, finally. Somewhere I can meet people women are putting on a night of music, comedy, ancient history, right? who can work out why your pass completion is so education? who aren’t complete plonkers like you blokes. sketch, improv– Matt: Hey, the shit’s interesting, man. Better plot bad, Matt? Matt: Wasn’t A Clockwork Orange originally a movie? Matt: Lucky it’s only speed friending, they don’t have Benny: What’s improv? twists than Married at First Sight and don’t try to say Benny: I don’t think you need a scientist to tell you Benny: Nah, bud, it was a book. You ever read one? to put up with you for longer than two minutes. Matt: It’s like improvised comedy, the crowd usu- you don’t watch that show, literally everyone knows. it’s because Matty’s got two left hands. Matt: Yeah, good rag. So it’s a play based on a movie Dylan: Oh, just like your girlfriend doesn’t have ally gets amongst it, and the fellow on stage has Benny: What can I say, I’m a romantic. But anyway, Matt: Yeah, yeah, talk to me when you run the ball based on a book. to put up with you in bed for longer than two to come up with everything on the spot. I saw get some of this into you — a Newtown pub crawl forward instead of sideways. Dylan: Isn’t this like one of those things everyone’s minutes either? some with the missus last Wednesday, it was hosted by the Ancient History and Classics Society. Dylan: Speaking of getting sideways, this event is supposed to know about? Benny: Come on, mate, you know this friendship is absolutely killer. Dylan: Sounds like your two favourite things, the one. Forty bucks and unlimited drinks. Benny: Dude we studied the book back in year 11, you basically a charity project Matt and I run for you. Dylan: Hey, you said you couldn’t come to trivia Matt, history and beer. Benny: You can finally whip out that cocktail suit were probably too busy trying to hook up with Josie. Dylan: Lucky it’s charity because no one would last Wednesday because you were sick? Matt: Wonder if there’ll be a vomitorium for a your mum bought you for your 21st. Dylan: I literally never had a thing for her. pay to have you flops around. Matt: Oh, nah, I was… taccy spew or three? Dylan: Hey, I paid for half of it. Matt: She’s clicked going on Facebook actually so– Benny: Yeah, we’re basically saints. So… trivia Dylan: Wait, really? tonight? Benny: You absolute keeno. Now we’ve gotta go to Dylan: For sure. find out if you can rekindle the spark. Dylan: Nah, I’m totally not interested in her. I’ll come though...

2 3 NEWSROOM NEWSROOM No financial motive for SCA closure USyd rolling out ‘super-exchange’ partnerships KISHOR NAPIER-RAMAN IMOGEN HARPER

Documents obtained by Honi show financial”, and, if cuts were to bede- justification for the closure. ence is incongruous with public state- The University of Sydney is investigat- Simply adding these short-term potentially more culturally informative National University of Singapore and that Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence termined purely on a financial basis, Honi also understands that the Uni- ments made by University management. ing ways to increase the number of overseas opportunities to our Uni- subjects, such as those that canvass the University of Copenhagen. privately contradicted the University’s “there are many other areas of the uni- versity’s plan to move the SCA onto the Last year, University management students who undertake a foreign ex- versity’s global mobility database has specialist elements of American history. The University told Honi that these public rationale for closing the Sydney versity where we could begin”. main campus could involve a significant claimed that the proposed merger change from 20 to 50 percent. already seen uptake grow by 300 per- Of the 600+ summer courses of- agreements are the culmination of College of the Arts’ Callan Park home Yet at an information session last reduction in student places. would boost enrolment numbers. The mission is part of their 2016- cent in 2016. fered at U.C Berkeley in 2017, only years of planning and did not indicate and merging it with the Faculty of Arts year, Provost Stephen Garton told stu- In an email sent one week before the However, this concern is not reflected 2020 Strategic Plan. The difference between these one discusses Indigenous Americans, how future partnerships would be and Social Sciences. dents the planned closure was moti- termination of the merger in July 2016, by Spence’s private commitment to a The University has outlined two av- short-term exchanges and longer and that is a literature study unit. considered and undertaken,let alone Emails among senior University vated by the SCA’s “significant deficit”. Spence told Chancellor Belinda Hutchin- smaller SCA. enues for this change: decreasing the placements is undeniable. Though, short-term programs do whether they were pursuing more. management suggest the plan to close Similarly, in a July 2015 email ex- son about plans for a “small but beauti- According to NSW Greens MP Jamie semester’s length to match our holidays U.C Berkeley’s website states that allow students who would find a long- Certainly it seems that if the univer- the SCA was not purely financially change obtained by Honi between fully formed SCA on the main campus”. Parker, these inconsistencies are all in- with overseas summer schools; and in- 4,000 of their 16,000 summer school term exchange difficult to have an in- sity does intend to create over 10,000 motivated, and show that the closure Provost Professor Stephen Garton and According to Spence, the new SCA dicative of a “seriously degrading atti- creasing the number of “super exchange students are from overseas. ternational experience. exchange spots that these super-ex- would involve significant cuts to stu- Human Resources Director John Dixon, would house just 120 students—less tude to arts education”. agreements” with foreign universities. The University told Honi, “studies The difficulties of going on exchange change parnerships will not be their dent numbers. Garton claimed, “the simple fact is the than a quarter of its current cohort. The University’s failure to be forth- Changing semesters from 13 have shown that students participat- extend beyond this though: the time major strategy. In a meeting with representatives campus is too expensive to maintain”. The smaller SCA on the main cam- coming about its motivations leaves weeks to 12 would allow students ing in short-term programs obtain spent deciding on what is best for your But beyond these two initiatives, from the National Tertiary Education This indicates that whilst the Univer- pus was considered by the University SCA students facing a difficult and un- to complete short-term exchanges in the same benefits as students who degree, the administration of organis- the University did not describe any Union in 2015, Vice-Chancellor Mi- sity has long been committed to shut- as a back-up plan, in case the proposed certain future. summer schools at Universities in the undertake longer-term overseas expe- ing it and one’s degree, the expense, additional programmes to Honi that chael Spence claimed that the reasons ting down the Callan Park site, there is merger failed. The University has been contacted Northen Hemisphere. riences,” as “ classes are taught in an and the time taken from either your would facilitate the 30 percent in- for merger and closure “would not be considerable inconsistency around the Again, Spence’s private correspond- for comment. USyd Deputy Vice-Chancellor Ty- intensive mode.” studies or your potential break. crease in students involved. rone Carlin told Honi that institutions The benefits of exchange are lauded Although students who do experi- Both these exchange initiatives seem such as the University of California, by Carlin, who describes himself as “a ence a short-term exchange greatly ap- to suffer from the potential for Usyd Berkeley, run summer exchange pro- hard-core, passionate believer believer preciate the experience, the adaptations students to cluster overseas classrooms. New degree confuses the NUS USU grammes well-suited to our students, that taking an international study ex- the University is making do not seem At the National University of Singa- but are currently inaccessible due to perience in transformative”. linked to the benefits they are claiming. pore, Usyd students will make up 10 OWEN JAMES our comparatively short winter break. “[Exchange is] hugely beneficial Short-term programs are no doubt a percent of their exchange students. launches The discussion surrounding on a whole variety of relevant dimen- great experience for many, but the uni- This again would harm the “net- National Union of Students (NUS) It provides access to a plethora of up to degrees featuring them in less changes to semester length demon- sions to us in terms of formation of the versity providing them due to ease and working” benefits of exchange the Education department has launched prestigious-sounding courses and, than a year. strate an emphasis on US institutions. graduate attributes we want you all to student demand may not be responsi- University lauds. a scare campaign that misunderstands perhaps more importantly, lets poten- It’s likely some of these units will WeChat It is unclear if the University feels develop,” he told Honi. ble if the claim that they are equivalent Similarly, if major US Universities the University of Sydney’s planned tial graduates plaster the word “ad- focus on interdisciplinary studies, that the US, a country with the same However, the benefits of exchange to long-term stays is unfounded. begin to take in large numbers of Usyd four-year degree. vanced” across their transcript. given how this is emphasized in the ZHIXIAN WANG language and immense cultural simi- listed by the University - personal The other strategy being under- students, the cultural experience ap- On March 14, the NUS’ “Make Ed- Unlike a regular honours, which Strategic Plan. Students will take two larities to Australia, provides equally and social development, intercultural taken by the University is the advent pears largely dependent on the ability ucation Free Again” campaign posted shows the graduate has learned re- of their four ‘advanced coursework’ The University of Sydney Union the benefits of “intercultural compe- competence, increased academic en- of ‘Super-Exchange’ Agreements. of students to select subjects and situa- an image warning USyd students of search skills, the BAdvStud is specifi- units in third year: one on how to ap- launched an official WeChat account tence and global citizenship” as other gagement, and career and network Here, the University is signing con- tions that do not group them with large a 33% hike in degree costs resulting cally designed to signal employability. ply disciplinary knowledge within a during OWeek, in a bid to engage international institutions may. development opportunities - seem to tracts with international universities numbers of their Australian peers. from the imposition of a new compul- If uptake is high and thousands of field; and the other on how to apply it with the Chinese students’ commu- Currently, one-third of exchanges rely on more than a short stay and a organising for 50-100 students to par- This again begs the question: do sory fourth year of study on three year arts students graduate with the ad- in an interdisciplinary context. nity on campus. at the University are short-term, course designed for a largely interna- take in an exchange there each year. the University’s reforms stem from bachelor degrees. vanced version of the degree, it stands Next, we have ‘project’ units. Each WeChat is a growing mobile app and ranging between two and eight tional candidature. This is in contrast to normal ex- a genuine belief that exchange will Several students posted worried com- to reason that the regular version will be student will have to complete a re- the most common social media platform weeks in duration. Universities also focus their sum- change arrangements between high- benefit students, or is this nothing ments about the cost of their degrees. devalued; rational incentives are likely search, entrepreneurship, industry or among Chinese-speaking students. Most of these exchanges have mer resources on popular courses. er-learning institutions, where each more than a marketing ploy to fulfill It’s true that the University of Syd- to compel the majority of new under- community-based project for 12 credit “The University of Sydney has a been promoted by faculties, but this Institutions like U.C Berkeley offer university agrees to take less than 10 popular demand. ney is preparing for some significant graduates to undertake the new degree. points. The University seems to have significant Chinese-speaking popu- change would see Sydney Abroad largely traditional subjects - including students from the other annually. changes to degree structures next year. To matters worse, there is little in- located its vision for an ‘honours-lite’ lation,” USU President Michael Rees dramatically increase their promo- languages and broad professional de- The University has so far signed Several faculties will merge and a formation to explains this new degree. academic project within these units. told Honi. tion of these programmes. velopment programmes - rather than Super-Exchange Agreements with the huge number of degrees will disap- But here is what we know: accord- Finally, the degree will feature “We know that some international pear as USyd moves closer to the ‘Mel- ing to the University’s 2016-2020 ‘open learning environment’ units. students face problems of isolation bourne Model’ - requiring students to Strategic Plan, the BAdvStudies is a These will be short, modular courses and a lot of that comes down to lan- undertake broad undergraduate de- response to concerns about rate of em- that teach generic skills. guage barriers. USyd march USyd launches massive online grees before being eligible for special- ployment forf graduates from three- Some of the proposed topics include “We see this launch as a really im- ist postgraduate degrees, such as Law. year undergraduate programs. data science, research techniques, en- portant step in improving our com- There is one prominent difference “We are concerned about the fall- trepreneurial thinking, ethics, team munication and engagement with our for choice indigenous culture course though: USyd’s flagship change for un- ing employment rates nationally for leadership, design thinking, intercul- Chinese members.” dergrad degrees is the introduction of three-year graduates and we’ve been tural communication, and project man- Originally proposed by Chinese JUSTINE LANDIS-HANLEY & JAMES STRATTON a new Bachelor of Advanced Studies. listening to employers and the kinds agement. It is not clear how the Uni- Board Director Koko Kong, the USU’s NATASSIA CHARYSANTHOS The new program’s marquee status of things they want to see in a 21st versity plans to differentiate these from WeChat has been providing regular up- The University of Sydney has cre- reflect on what it means to be a Uni- NCCC, as well as to paying the online is clear in its placement in the 2018 century education,” Vice Chancellor a stock-standard motivational speech. dates about student programs, events University student protestors clashed ated a Massive Open Online Course versity community located on Aborig- tutors and moderators involved in handbook for prospective students: Spence said in an ABC interview. One unfortunate consequence of and employment opportunities, as well with St Mary’s church-goers outside (MOOC) on Indigenous Australian inal land”. running the course. after several pages of oversized inspi- If Spence is to be believed, it the Bachelor of Advanced Studies is as information on campus activities, NSW State Parliament on the weekend. culture, in an attempt to improve the Jackson Newell, the SRC’s Indige- In the future, USyd plans to offer the rational quotes, a promotion for the seems employers want to see more that it will supplant honours as the news, and student life at the University. The Catholic Church was com- cultural competence of USyd staff nous Officer, described the course as a MOOC as a free, zero credit point unit BAdvStud (the abbreviation practi- jargon in degrees. traditional way to extend a three-year Two experienced Chinese-speaking memorating its annual Day of the and students. “great initiative of the NCCC”, specifi- of study for students that could be rec- cally sings) is the first substantive ma- The BAdvStud aims to encourage degree, and shift it to the periphery in editors currently manage the account, Unborn Child with a mass and march The MOOC, hosted online by edu- cally praising its emphasis on Redfern ognised on their academic transcripts. terial students will find. “deep disciplinary expertise”, “re- students minds. which already has more than 1000 against abortion. cational technology company Cour- as a site of great importance to many The course comes as part of a global Unfortunately, the explanation of al-world and multi-disciplinary prob- The marketing material itself it followers - a significant number for a The counter-rally, organised by sera, consists of six modules involving Indigenous Australians. trend, with some 35 million individu- what this degree is or how it works is lem solving skills” and the “opportu- pretty telling: traditional honours new WeChat account. members of USyd’s and UNSW’s video resources and assessments. “The majority of students walk to als having enrolled in MOOCs over the almost as vague as its name. nity to acquire generic expertise”. receives only a passing mention as During her campaign last year, Women’s Collective, gathered outside USyd’s National Centre for Cul- and from Redfern Station each day last five years. As much is clear in the National Un- In practice, the BAdvStud changes something you can opt to do as part Kong spoke about the need to break St Mary’s Cathedral Church to protest tural Competence (NCCC) created the and don’t realise the significance of USyd has launched ten MOOCs in ion of Students’ response. degree structures and adds some new of the bachelor of advance studies... if the communication barrier between “a shameless display of anti-woman, course in collaboration with Indige- the suburb in Indigenous political his- the last year with 14,600 sign ups. Honi repeatedly asked NUS for the unit types. you are seeking a career in research. international and domestic students, anti-choice and anti-scientific propo- nous community leaders. tory,” he said. Courses range from ‘Data Driven source of the image’s claims, but was Perhaps most importantly, it ap- Some elements of this new degree proposing a language-friendly plat- ganda which seeks to shame people The course’s content revolves Newell hopes the course will en- Astronomy’ to ‘Ethical Social Media’. not provided with one. pears students will have to do the genuinely look set to improve stu- form for international students to get who elect to have abortions”. around understanding Indigenous courage students “to engage with In- A USyd spokesperson said MOOCs The students needn’t have worried; BAdvStudies to do a double major. dents’ employability, but the lack of information about the campus. Greens MP Mehreen Faruqi and history and contemporary Indigenous digenous affairs, and ask themselves allow “the University to share exper- in reality, the BAdvStud is not be com- Completing the double major will information makes it seem rushed, ge- This appears to be a rare case of a City Councillor Linda Scott spoke to a culture, experiences, and activism. what they can do to help”. tise and research across borders, coun- pulsory. It is strictly opt-in. only use up two the BAdvStudies units neric and commercial. board director actually coming good crowd of nearly 100 protestors. The MOOC is aimed at staff and Participants can complete the course tries and cultures for public good”. That being said, the NUS can be though, leaving room for of a variety Next year’s intake will reveal on an election promise. Led by Archibishop Anthony Fisher students, but is also accessible to the online for free, but will need to pay a forgiven for their mistake: the way of new courses. whether students want to pay sev- and Rev Hon. Fred Nile, a procession broader community. $63 fee to gain a certificate in Indige- the BAdvStud is structured and mar- First are the new ‘advanced course- eral thousands of dollars for a degree SEARCH ‘ACCESSUSU’ of thousands of church-goers walked So far, 365 individuals are enrolled. nous Cultural Competence. keted suggests it might become func- work’ units. The University has made featuring a short modular course on OR SCAN THE QR CODE in song and prayer through the Do- A University of Sydney spokesper- Student’s will be able to link the of- tionally compulsory. very little information publicly availa- ‘team leadership’. TO FOLLOW USU ON main, before stopping outside Paria- son said the course would provide ficial certificate to their LinkedIn pro- The University says the new pro- ble on what these units will entail — WECHAT ment House to speak against current students with “an opportunity to learn files and include it in their resumes. gram will “supercharge” your degree. odd given that students will be signing bills seeking to decriminalise abortion. from diverse lived experiences and to Collected fees will go towards the

4 5 LONG READ STUDIO Yaama, Tracey ngaya The personal, the political, the pineapple doughnut CAMERON GOOLEY / Meet the woman fighting to save her language from extinction RUBY HILLSMITH / A literary analysis of Clive Palmer’s verse

book were her relatives. laraay, and many early colonial explorers kept journals When I first read Clive Palmer’s now-iconic poem: etry, evoking the faintly homoerotic image of lonely and their speechwriters. Similarly, repetitive mis- From this point on, she focused her energy where they took notes on the spoken language. It is ‘Ride an onion, Crush a cabbage, Fight a mongoose, miners breakfasting around a campfire. The couplet spellings of Malcolm Turnbull’s name could be inter- towards learning more about her culture. Upon from these European sources that linguists and an- To your dreams’, I was moved to tears. I had finally ‘Lamington ladies / Tamborine babies’, taken from a preted as a subtle act of political defiance, or simply completing her Masters of Indigenous Languages thropologists are piecing the language back together. found a kindred spirit, a sensitive soul who views longer tweet, serves as both a tribute to Bob Dylan’s as the product of one too many ‘Kanine Martinis’ Education at the University of Sydney, she began Ironically, the imperialists that caused the degradation Facebook as a dumping ground for cooked ideas work and a reference to the names of two Queens- shared with Palmer’s ‘dog on the grog’. her work as a tutor for the oldest language revital- of the language are now providing the sources needed and intense emotion in the same way I do. But as land national parks in which Palmer frolicked as a Palmer regularly re-posts memes mocking his isation course in the country. She has since won a to restore it. the mining magnate’s experimental body of work young man. Palmer’s spirited poetic voice ricochets work, suggesting the project is a self-aware ode to scholarship for writing the best abstract describing Tracey smiles at me as she collects her thoughts. grew, so did the concerns of the Australian public. between the political and the personal, mixing the emotional liberalism, rather than a stab at critical a research proposal for the International Confer- “Indigenous peoples in Australia and all over the News outlets have contacted poets and professors, mutterings of a dad who has hit the bong for the acclaim. Regardless of his intentions, his prolific out- ence on Language Documentation & Conservation world have suffered under colonisation and policies desperate for confirmation that Palmer’s creative first time since university and the imagined private put showcases a man unashamed to admit that he (ICLDC) at the University of Hawai’i at Manoa, Hon- flurry couldn’t possibly be an attempt at real po- diaries of an Aussie Yoko Ono. thinks, and lives, in florid metaphor. olulu. The proposal was in regards to documenting etry. Our mocking dismissal of Palmer’s verse as a Palmer’s invention of compound words and use of Don’t lose your passion, Clive. I hope your subver- her research about the Gamilaraay language. cheap meme, or worse, a bewildered cry for help, is broken syntax seems to be a direct tribute to exper- sive poems will someday inspire an ambitious boy Enthusiastic is the word that springs to mind when one Tracey currently tutors Speaking Gamilaraay 1 a symptom of Australia’s broader fear of public emo- imental poet E.E. Cummings, despite the historical to reject a life path of corrupt megalomania, and sees Tracey Cameron. Having spent many years as a (KOCR2605) at USyd under the direction of Doctor tion, amateur art, and male vulnerability. popularity of these techniques amongst politicians choose honest verse from the outset. teacher at Glebe Public Primary School, she exudes a John Giacon. The subject, coordinated under the Fac- ‘I love Lamingtons, patient and motherly aura. She likes her lattes weak ulty of Arts and Social Sciences, typically hosts up to and her tea milky, and is usually spotted sporting a 22 students a semester since it began in 2006. John In the morning, sensible singlet-shirt-jeans-sandals ensemble. Giacon now also teaches the course at the Australian The smell, The touch…’ She’s the teacher everyone wanted, the teacher that National University. anybody would have been lucky to have. As we sit “We get lots of linguistics students, education stu- Palmer’s millennial fan base might be surprised to together, however, it becomes clear that Tracey is much dents, arts and history students … even some students learn that his first collection of poetry,Dreams, Hope more than a retired primary school teacher. from unusual areas like chemistry,” Tracey tells me. and Reflections, was published in 1981, just before “Yaama, minyangindada gubi?” The classes consist of three-hour intensive oral his entry into state politics. It is difficult to find print She smiles as she says hello, and offers me a coffee. workshops. The unit is available to students in over 40 copies today, but online excerpts capture stilted, de- Tracey is instrumental in the revitalisation efforts degrees, and is counted as a senior elective unit — the that reinforce invaders’ privileges. We want to reclaim rivative musings on love and justice. If you truly feel of the Gamilaraay language, which was, not too long only prerequisite is a total of 48 previous junior credit the language, culture and land that was taken. By re- the need to mock any of Palmer’s poetry, mock his ago, considered near extinction. points. It is also available for non-degree study to peo- vitalising and reclaiming language we are demon- overwrought juvenilia. The collection even includes The Gamilaroi nation is one of the four largest ple not enrolled at university. strating the diversity and complexity of Indigenous a poem titled ‘Old Women, Young Girls’: a subject Indigenous nations in Australia, encompassing a vast Tracey beams as she tells me this. As the first point peoples’ cultures, knowledge and understandings that tragically continues to dominate the minds and expanse of land ranging from south west Queensland of Western settlement, most Indigenous languages in of Australia,” she says. Moleskines of amateur male poets in 2017. to the Hunter Valley. Before colonisation there were New South Wales were reduced to simple nouns and “I think the revitalisation of Gamilaraay is a way of Contrastingly, Palmer’s newer work is unusual, forests and delicate soil, both felled by agriculturalists colloquial phrases upon colonisation. One of the first breaking ignorance down.” HS touching and thought-provoking, in spite of the fact with their axes and heavy hoofed beasts of burden. For causalities of imperialism is language and, as a result, that he seems to take himself less seriously, or per- some perspective, the more prominent towns in the cultural identity. CAMERON GOOLEY IS A GAMILAROI MAN AND THE NEPHEW haps because of it. His stream of consciousness style, Gamilaroi nation include Moree, Tamworth, Coona- This loss of identity was ideal for colonial settlers. OF TRACEY CAMERON. witnessed in ‘Bunnings Baby, Sweet-n-sour, Hour of barabran and Walgett. According to Tracey, Indigenous peoples were com- power’, immediately recalls James Joyce, the king of ‘literary mindfulness’. Just as Joyce reminds us of Tracey’s father, Doug, is a Gamilaroi man born pletely disregarded as just “Aboriginals”, a term which, Art: Matthew our shared humanity through visceral descriptions in 1936 and raised in the Burra Bee Dee Aborigi- in her opinion, carries overtly negative connotations. Fisher nal Reserve outside of Coonabarabran — a reserve “It [Aboriginal] is a colonial term for us. It was a of bodily functions, Palmer’s poetry navigates pap established by his ancestor Mary Jane Cain from land way of categorising people in a way that colonists smears, prostates, rich food, sensuality, his dog’s di- granted to her through petition by Queen Victoria. This liked, instead of in a way that was accurate to repre- gestive issues, and clean eating. While these themes land was to become a haven for many dispossessed senting the diversity of Australia’s first peoples. may initially seem disgusting or mundane, their Gamilaroi people over the years. “These days if you were to ask most Aboriginal human inevitability unites Palmer and his readers. But this haven couldn’t last forever. Doug moved people ‘Who are you? Where do you come from?’ Writers often document the pain of abstaining from from Coonabarabran to Sydney in 1941 after his They would say I’m a Yorta Yorta person, or I’m ‘fashionable’ vices like drugs or sex, but Palmer’s po- father enlisted in the Second World War. With the a Wiradjuri person. They would not generally etic explorations of dieting, body image and Tim- policy of assimilation in full swing, his mother feared say ‘I’m an Aboriginal person’ first. I think they Tam temptation are rare and honest, especially for a for the safety of her children without their father to would like to specify their nation.” man in the public eye. protect them. She and her mother, along with other In Australia students are rarely taught ‘I love Lamingtons, In the morning, The smell, Art: Natalie Ang women from the community, left for the state capital about the countless massacres of Indigenous The touch…’ is either Palmer’s pitch for a Baker’s De- where they would feel more secure. people, so the idea that an Indigenous lan- light advertisement, or his tribute to Aussie bush po- Doug and his wife eventually settled in the Riverina guage could be formally taught in universities city of Wagga Wagga where they had four daughters, should seem like a hopeless task. Even more so the eldest of whom was Tracey. that it would be so popular amongst students. “I am a Gamilaroi woman.” Review: Grease There is an understated confidence to everything Tracey says. CAMERON GOOLEY / Campy and ridiculous, MUSE’s Grease is the most fun you’ll have in student theatre She tells me that groups such as the Muurr- bay Aboriginal Language and Culture Coopera- WHAT: MUSE’s Grease aging to steal the entire show with a single scene). Grease Lightning, and Shaking at the High School tive who teach a variety of Indigenous language WHEN: March 22 – 25 I would be remiss not to congratulate choreog- Hop) it was almost impossible to hear any of the courses and publish dictionaries, have been vital WHERE: Seymour Centre, Everest Theatre rapher Stephanie Troost on some truly spectacular individual cast members over the chorus and band. in restoring the Gamilaraay language. dance scenes — coordinating a cast that large to Admittedly, sitting in the front row may have affected During her time as a Maquarie University student, Tracey’s ancestor, the aforementioned matriarch MUSE’s adaption of Grease is grand in scope and pull off some of those moves is an impressive feat. It my experience in regards to the latter problem. Tracey was passionate about social issues. In this Mary Jane Caine (also known as the Queen of Burra ludicrously campy, carried by charming perfor- takes careful work to make such meticulous chore- However, I couldn’t possibly end this review with period, Tony Abbott was no more than an unbear- Bee Dee), wrote a manuscript including the history mances and a genuinely funny script — it is al- ography appear so natural and chaotic. such a negative tone. Grease delivers the strongest able stupol hack across the Parramatta River. When of the people in her area, as well as a dictionary of most impossible not to smile while watching actors Nonetheless, Grease did have its flaws. Despite ex- opening performance of a musical that I have ever she mentions this, the relevance of student politics words and place names. That manuscript is in having such obvious fun. cellent individual performances by Isobel Rose and seen — the audience clapped so hard at the end I suddenly seems to carry some genuine weight. the state library available for study. This is perhaps most obvious when experiencing the Tom Pegler as Sandy and Danny, there was a lack of think it’s given me tinnitus. I ask her what kind of politics she was involved in. Despite this community work, most Indig- wonderful chemistry between the Pink Ladies: Rizzo, believable chemistry between them. We’re told that Grease left me feeling giddier and more whimsi- “Left wing politics, of course!” She answers, incred- enous nations relied on a strong tradition of Frenchy, Marty, and Jan (a wonderful Ellie Jones, Lucy they’re so in love with each other but almost never see cal than I’ve felt in weeks. The drive in cinema scene ulous of my question. But the story of how Tracey really oral history passed down from elders. A lot Allen, Phoebe Clark, and Rielly Dickson respectively). them on stage together — they don’t even share their has the most hilarious moment I’ve ever witnessed in began to reconnect with her Gamilaroi heritage started of this culture and language has been lost The four of them play so well off each other that I first kiss until midway through Act 2, by which point it student theatre, featuring an extremely over-dramatic off as all good journeys do: with a chance encounter. to aggressive assimilation policies — such as almost wish the musical had taken some strange turn feels contrived. I was more emotionally invested in the voice over from a film about radioactive werewolves. In 2000, when she was looking for educational re- the banning of spoken languages. towards a sisterhood-friends-forever style plot. romantic subplot between Rizzo and Kenickie (Tom To say that an entire cast held their performance sources for her school library at Black Books in Tranby But these languages aren’t lost forever. But the best performances of the night go to Crotty, who wins the award for skinniest jeans). together is a rare compliment in student theatre, but I (an Indigenous bookstore in Glebe), Tracey stumbled Gamilaraay has a significant amount of Phoebe Clark (for her perfect accent and hilarious Furthermore, there were numerous audio issues, have no qualms in saying so in regards to this musical. across a copy of The Sun Dancin’: People and Place archival history. Missionaries wrote down line delivery), Blake Cunio as Doody (for making a with more than one monologue broken by the star- Grease is fantastic — excellent vocal perfor- in Coonabarabran by Margaret Somerville. She was prayers in Gamilaraay, surveyors such as Rob- done-to-death comic relief role genuinely endear- tling squeal of a blown microphone. More seriously, mances, strong acting, and wickedly campy humour shocked to find many of the people mentioned in the ert Hamilton Matthews recorded spoken Gami- ing), and David Collins as the Teen Angel (for man- during the larger musical numbers (Summer Nights, makes for two hours well spent.

6 7 PODIUM/LOOKOUT LOOKOUT Do scholarships entrench privilege? DJ and me GARNET CHAN / How the university wooes high achievers MAX CULLEN / Indigenous resistance in Trump’s America

As other universities are moving away from the to assist each student to reach their potential to the their degree by academic and industry mentors, which This article was written on occupied Du- of a global scheme to swing political ATAR as a way of measuring incoming students’ greatest extent”. It advertises that the program is de- undoubtedly benefits the trajectory of their future wamish Land. Recognize and Respect power toward authoritarian regimes performance, the University of Sydney is rolling out signed to “challenge [these high achieving students] to pursuits and careers. Those are precisely the kind of Indigeneity and the eternal knowledge that ‘cuck’ other countries. the Dalyell Scholars Program — a new initiative for greater depth and breadth of learning”. As admirable networks that low-SES students are likely to lack, and bound within culture and its relationship Seeing through the rows at the students with top ATARs. It boasts nebulous prom- as those goals are, the purely academic basis of ad- which money from other scholarships can do the least to land. No pride in genocide. town hall was easy since it was only ises of “mentoring” and an opportunity to “network mission begs the question of whether accelerating the to compensate for. at one third of its capacity. I noticed with like-minded world influencers”, as well as a academic and industrial trajectories of the top 2% of The underlying issue here is not whether or not an elderly man two seats in front of very real $5000 payment to Dalyell Scholars who the state is an equitable aim. Should the University be high-achieving students are deserving of these op- us. We realized he was an avid Trump go on exchange. Speculation remains as to whether striving to reward those who are already maximising portunities. Instead, at issue is who should be prior- supporter. As the speech ended, he the scholarship copy was written by the same people their potential, without assistance? itised. Having accessible mentors and an established “That place [Standing Rock] was the gave a solo standing ovation. This who write Silicon Valley. This is not the first University program to offer ex- alumni network provides a plethora of opportunity. future. That place is a blueprint to was my first experience with a Trump Named after alumna Elsie Dalyell ( “dee ell”) - the clusive opportunities to high-achieving students. Other Owners of an elusive key into these doors are often what is going to be needed to survive voter. D.J. told me to get used to it. first female full-time academic in Sydney’s medical fac- existing programs, such as the Talented Students Pro- high-achievers, or reap the benefits of their circum- in our country the next four years un- D.J. and I often reflected on the na- ulty — the Dalyell Scholars Program is open to Year 12 gram (TSP) already offer exclusive research projects stances - especially when blessed with socio-educa- der this presidency.” ture of collaboration. Standing Rock students who achieve an ATAR of 98 and above. Ad- under the supervision of academics for science stu- tional advantage. When opened, these doors present Sitting in his bedroom eating ti- was a harmonic display of the power missions are based purely on academic merit. Students dents. Engineering has various leadership scholarships a variety of career, academic or developmental oppor- ramisu gelato, D.J. Martinez and I that comes when individual subjects who also achieve an 80+ WAM in their first year, de- sponsored by industry giants that give their students tunities that incubate exclusivity. If the same key were deepen a relationship formed when I realized their objective unison. spite missing the ATAR cut-offs, are also eligible to ap- workplace placements and mentors. handed to students of disadvantaged backgrounds, gave him a cigarette at a Capitol Hill As D.J. put it: “It’s amazing. It’s his- ply. Concessions are available for Indigenous students, The TSP requires students to achieve a 99+ ATAR not only could their potential be nurtured, but also bus stop in Seattle. D.J. spent the torical. It’s beautiful. You know it’s low SES students and those that have experienced ed- for first-year entry, whilst one of the engineering lead- break the cycle of disadvantage that is perpetuated by whole of November and part of Decem- like it’s time. And when you get there, ucational disadvantage. ership scholarships has a 98+ ATAR entry requirement. the lack of opportunity. ber last year at the Oceti Sakowin camp there’s an energy that you can feel. It’s According to a spokesperson, “the University aims Successful applicants are then nurtured throughout at Standing Rock. That protest was the incredible, spiritual energy”. When the single largest protest of indigenous world is poised to divide us, it seems people in the history of the Americas. collaboration is the future. Temperatures at that time of the The Standing Rock protest was a re- year range from -5 to -16 degrees sponse to the construction of a pipeline Celsius. And that’s not accounting Art: Ludmilla Nunell through sacred land and the Sioux na- for when law enforcement regularly tion’s main water source. Obama halted Not an ezy question sprayed water on protesters. As Three and this whole gender idea in the first native people in this nation. “It’s a the construction. But that was before Stacks would say, that’s ice cold. place is colonial. So that place is a dif- healing place. Us as Indigenous peo- Trump. The camp is dismantled and ALISON XIAO / What does the future hold for video rental stores? When I asked him about the ambi- ferent place.” ple, as brown people, as queer people construction has once again resumed. ence of the camp, D.J. told me of the D.J. describes Two Spirit as “an have a lot of healing to do. I learned When asked about this, D.J replied, The story of the melancholy video store clerk made her routine activities. “Netflix is convenient, we have inherent connection he felt with the umbrella term coined in the 1990s to that it was the first step to being on “There’s camps popping up all over redundant is an all-too-familiar tale. I’ll tell mine an- to move with the time,” she says simply. relatives who surrounded him there. express the fact that some indigenous the path to winning the resistance.” the U.S. There’s one in Iowa and one yway. I began my dream job at the age of 14. While Perhaps sensing my plea for pity, Khor offers some “It’s embedded in my DNA. You know, tribes recognize the two spirit, includ- I was with D.J. on inauguration day. or two in Florida fighting over pipe- my friends studied for the HSC, I spent 16 hours sympathy. “I can totally understand how some peo- wow, this is where I am meant to be ing multiple genders.” This commu- We met up early, groggy enough from lines. Pipelines are going to keep pop- every weekend in pure bliss, sauntering through the ple are nostalgic. Things do move full circle … we right now.” nity grew as a spiritual safe space for the morning, let alone the oncoming ping up.” But the wave is rising. As aisles of Video Ezy Hornsby. In those days, the DVD see it with fashion and photography. People like new D.J. is transgender and uses both brown indigenous LGBTQ people. reality of the day. We went to the town with surfing, timing is everything. As rental industry was already on its deathbed. 2014 things, but the old can become new all the time,” him and they pronouns. He is also At Standing Rock, D.J. lived in the hall to watch the heist of the oval D.J. said, “Standing Rock really woke saw another one bite the dust as my beloved local she says. a member of the Two Spirit nation. Two Spirit camp. He highlighted the office by megalomaniacs sponsored people up spiritually. To learn what it’s video store quietly shut its doors. I feared I may I’m hoping rental stores will follow a similar tra- “That camp is all about decolonization transcendental role this protest gave by the Russian government as part going to take to win these fights.” never love a job as much as I loved my first. jectory to the record shops that died out in the 80s By now the industry has well and truly settled into and 90s and had a modern resurgence. Old mediums obscurity. Although there are a few clingers-on left replaced by digital innovations are a fact of life in the in Sydney, their existence has been reduced to lonely age of technology. Cassettes, records, compact discs, kiosks, barely spared a glance. While there are still VHS and Discmans have all given way to the new. But some who prefer to buy physical DVDs for their col- the vinyl comeback of the late noughties is proof of lection, the popular family outing to the rental store the power of nostalgia. Destiny’s children has all but disappeared from mainstream conscious- Khor disagrees with my pipe dream, and points ness. Luckily for me, I live a life of denial and nostal- out the difference between the two formats. “People ERIC GONZALES / Life, death, faith and queerness gia. I believe there is a future for video rental stores, have an idea that records sound better and it is quite perhaps not in franchise format, but in boutique re- romantic. But with movies and physical DVDs there’s Mum thanks God for my achievements fortunes to light the path out of her ient. All I had to do was throw my ness. It means denying my part in a vivals or nostalgic homages to the once great stalwart no romantic antiquated quality to it, it was more con- as if they’re living proof of divine in- misery, in accordance with His grand hands in the air and admit that it generation on the cusp of writing new of Sydney’s middle class suburbia. venience that motivated people to buy or rent DVDs,” tervention. Her well-meaning praise plan for her. She transformed death wasn’t meant to be. When he asked possibilities of queerness. It means It may be too soon to call this shop a revival, but she says. appears superstitious to someone who and birth into metaphors of suffering our Uber driver to stop a block ahead internalising a narrative where other- Ben Kenny’s Darlinghurst Film Club is one such bou- Analogising the video store with record shops, attributes success to their own voli- and subsequent hope. of his house so no one could see ness is my immutable destiny. tique-style video rental store. A stone’s throw from Kenny maintains that, just as a certain part of the tion and not the caprice of The Man Conceiving my little brother at the us; when he refused an outing with Where fate alleviates mum’s ontolog- the University of Sydney, Kenny’s emporium features populous still wants vinyl, a similar demand exists Upstairs. However, the sentiment res- precarious age of 47 was by far the me because his family could be an- ical insecurities, it only amplifies mine. esoteric indie flicks and art house foreigns alongside for film. onated someplace else. A good grade; omen to top all others. The three of us ywhere in the city; when he subse- That said, neither of our divergent the latest superhero films. “Many people are happy to watch the Sunday a mouth fed; a way out — answered presaged a new life, emblems of the quently buried his hand in my jacket understandings of providence are “I wanted to make a new kind of video store… night movie on TV and that’ll be enough for the year. prayers disguised as small fortunes pain she has conquered since. Birth now pocket and caressed my clenched fist invalid. My inability to accept fate a carefully curated selection and to personalise the But there’s always 10 or so per cent of any generation numbed her family’s existential uncer- doesn’t preclude me from recognising consumer experience rather than have a chain store who are really into movies and what’s being served tainty, living off a small convenience ‘The cosmic message was simple: the stars hadn’t that ascribing providential meaning mentality,” he says. up to them on Netflix or free-to-air just isn’t enough. store in the Philippines. Little bless- to certain moments is a way of com- Taking influence from his time working in book They want to watch something specific, or perhaps ings, no matter how small, portended aligned; it was neither the right time nor the prehending your pain and promising stores, Kenny aims to have a comprehensive collec- everything from a certain director, or films from the heavenly care and protection. This right place; or maybe it didn’t work because our yourself happiness. Mum’s spiritual tion. “I like the idea of having something for every- late 60s,” he explains. divine mythos became the bedrock of aphorisms transport me to a world body and filling up specific little niches that are un- Despite this demand, Kenny doesn’t see a community, of individual purpose and capricious God had it out for same-sex couples.’ where her central concerns differ from derserved in other parts of the market – cult films, bounce back into mainstream popularity in his fu- self-love. And whoever The Man Up- mine, but I can acknowledge how hu- classic films, Australian or foreign stuff, queer cinema, ture. “We’re not for everybody, there’s plenty of stairs was, He made them feel loved. holds a sacrosanct seat in her history. like a silent apology — all seemingly man emotions like agony and hope little genres that don’t get the exposure they should.” people who walk past and scoff vaguely outside Destiny went way off course when Despite our worldviews never aligning innocuous gestures augured the futility compel confidence in fate. The store boasts the entire filmographies of cer- … I do think we have become and will remain a mum had two miscarriages before my perfectly, I could never claim mum was of our midnight forays. Because with faith comes the com- tain directors, from Hitchcock to Kubrick to Lars niche industry unless something catastrophic hap- older brother and I were born. When wrong for believing in what she did. If The cosmic message was simple: the forting acceptance that some things von Trier. It may be geared towards movie buffs pens with the internet,” Kenny says. we were each finally conceived, she she didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. stars hadn’t aligned; it was neither the can’t be explained and don’t have to but Film Club is quaint, welcoming and certainly He promotes his shop as the “last, best video hypothesised that God plucked two But fate is a tough pill to swallow. right time nor the right place; or maybe be. In fact, we use metaphors in much a possible prototype for future video rental stores. store” with an element of romantic doom. “I love souls one by one from the ocean of an When I entered into a romantic rela- it didn’t work because our capricious the same way we use trolleys. Student Adele Khor has a tighter grip on reality running a video store. As far as I’m concerned, it’s incorporeal world. Then, in a Royal tionship with a man who could only God had it out for same-sex couples. We use them as vehicles for what is Art: Jenna Schroder than I do. She speaks for most young Australians the best job in the world,” says Kenny. My 16-year- Prince Alfred hospital bed, we were acknowledge me in secrecy, fatalistic But subscribing to fate requires too heavy for us to carry in other ways. when she says pining for video stores is not one of old self would agree. coagulated gifts from above: small platitudes were temptingly conven- blithely accepting my own powerless- 8 9 GALLERY STUDIO In defence of the Redfern Run The masses move as one on weekday mornings. Thousands of caffeinated students traverse the streets between Redfern Station and the university’s Darlington entrance. To many, the Redfern Run is a chore, a barrier to getting to class on time, its narrow footpaths clogged with disillusioned students lumbering like extras from Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. But the Redfern Run is no dystopia. It is a clash between history and post-modernity. WORDS / Alan Zheng PHOTGRAPHY / Jess Zlotnick

ESPERANTO HOUSE The innocuous terrace at 143 Lawson Street isn’t the head- INDIGENOUS HISTORY quarters of some strange cult, but rather the national archives Redfern is a spiritual heartland for Indigenous people in inner Syd- of the Australian Esperanto Association. Invented in the late ney, home to the Gadigal people of the Eora Nation. Eora roughly 19th Century, by a Polish doctor who hoped to create a univer- translates to “here”. The symbols of Redfern’s indigenous culture sal linguistic babelfish, Esperanto is the world’s most widely jostle with hypermodern apartment buildings, monuments to spoken ‘constructed’ language. According to the Australian Es- indigenous defiance against aggressive gentrification and- ram peranto Association, it is the easiest of all living languages to pant developmentalism. The clash between Redfern’s past and learn, combining French, Spanish and even Swahili. 143 Lawson future, between Indigenous and white Australia is reflected in Street is but a glimpse into this ‘strangajn’* and idealistic world. the eyes of the young Indigenous boy framed on Lawson Street.

SHEFFER GALLERY ON LANDER ST REDFERN STATION 38 Lander Street is home to the unassuming white walls of Sheffer Decades of wear and tear define the proud red brickwork, Roman-es- Gallery. Once an art workshop, Sheffer has evolved with Redfern into que cast iron newel posts and dulled grandeur of Redfern Station, a high-ceilinged display space of versatile and unpretentious art span- a heritage listed building dating back to 1884. The station is a win- ning everything from photographs of Bondi Streets to surrealist dream- dow into an era when Redfern was Sydney’s industrial hub, long scapes. Open Wednesday to Saturday between 11am and 6pm, the before plate glass and chrome dominated public sector architecture. gallery represents the best of the arts – a stylish world accessible to all.

POETRY / Sam Jones ART / Bridgette Samaha *Strangajn means strange in Esperanto.

10 11 LAB / STADIUM LONGER READ Hugs not drugs JENNIFER HORTON / USyd researchers developing cutting edge addiction treatment

Last Wednesday, Dr Michael Bowen of the School Oxytocin, known as the “Cuddle Chemical”, hol consumption in alcohol-addicted rats that have of Psychology at the University of Sydney presented occurs naturally in all mammal brains. It plays a been treated with oxytocin. These same results can “Hugs not Drugs; Revolutionising the Treatment of core role in focusing us on the social world, and be repeated with other addictive substances, includ- Addiction”, as part of the Sydney Science Forum the brain pathways involved in the oxytocin sys- ing opioids and stimulant drugs. public lecture series. Dr Bowen, sporting rainbow tem heavily overlap with those that underlie ad- Addictive substances work in part by stimulat- stripped socks and an impressive introduction by the diction. But where addiction leads to impaired ing the brain’s reward centre through the release Dean of Science, is involved in the development of function of these brain systems, oxytocin has the of dopamine. Oxytocin stops these substances from treatment for substance addictions. opposite effect, suggesting the potential of the ox- stimulating this reward centre, thus suppressing Addiction is a chronic relapsing brain disorder the accompanying cravings. Oxytocin can also re- that results from addictive substances dominating verse negative long-term consequences of addic- reward pathways in the brain. This has the effect tion which hinder sobriety – anxiety, depression, of deregulating stress-handling pathways, and sup- social isolation – making it less likely for recovering pressing the activity of behavioural regulation path- addicts to relapse. ways, which are designed to resist desire. It all sounds too good to be true. And it is… sort “We have a problem with addictive drugs,” of. Oxytocin cannot be administered orally, and in Bowen warns. According to the World Health Or- clinical trials where the drug is administered intra- ganisation, 15% of all deaths worldwide each year nasal, the effects were modest at best (most likely can be attributed to harmful use of alcohol, tobacco, due to the small amount of the drug that actually or illicit drugs. With addiction causing such harm, reaches the brain). you might expect us to have a myriad of effective The solution, Bowen tells us, is a synthetic com- recovery methods. pound currently in development at USyd. SOC-1 (or “Unfortunately, that is simply not the case,” says Synthetic Oxytocin-like Compound 1) is a pill that Bowen. While Australia does have available treat- works by activating oxytocin neurons in the brain. ments for addiction, they are both ineffective and In fact, the compound has more of an effect than inaccessible. The best treatments – “behavioural natural oxytocin –activating up to 33% of neurons Art: Aiden Magro therapies” like support groups – are designed to while oxytocin itself activates only 13.5%. turn the individual’s mind towards social interac- If all goes well, it will still be six to eight years be- tion and away from the addictive substance. It is ytocin system as a target for addiction treatment. fore SOC-1 is available on the pharmaceutical mar- the success of these therapies that eventually led Here, Bowen presents the results of treating ket. With any luck, in a decade’s time, we will look psychologists to Bowen’s research into that special substance-abuse disorder in lab rats with oxy- back at the days when all we could offer recovering chemical called Oxytocin. tocin. The research shows huge decreases of alco- addicts were replacement drugs or support groups, and marvel at how far we’ve come. The Virat effect PRANAY JHA / How Virat Kohli has empowered an entire generation of Indian youths

“What the fuck are you going to do about it cur- me to bond with the kids in my Aunt’s neighbour- ter Siddle through the covers to a hundred I felt rypot”. When I think back to days of high school hood in Ranchi, and feel a connection with Uber goosebumps- this was the future of Indian Cricket. sport, one moment remains etched in my mind drivers finding a home in a new country. Put sim- As a commentator at the time put it “the flood amid the half-time oranges, early morning train- ply, it was a way to feel more brown in a country gates of Virat Kohli had finally opened”. ings and bantering friendships. It wasn’t the in- filled with whites. Since then, Virat Kohli has been unstoppable. tense tackles, the passionate parents or the trium- In many ways, cricketing heroes like Rahul As captain, he has, in just a few seasons, changed phant victory. Years later, I remember that game Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar reminded me of the attitude of the entire team. Gone were the pas- as the first time I was racially vilified on a sporting the values my parents sought to instil; working sive days of Laxman, Tendulkar and Dravid. Indian field. I remember the sense of helplessness, the hard, accepting the inequalities of life and mak- cricketers were a force to be reckoned with. A side raw dejection, and the lingering shame as I aim- ing the best of bad situations. More specifically, that was going to give it back and stand up to their lessly ran around for the rest of the game, bewil- they shaped the way I would react to my white white counter-parts with the same fire and aggres- dered by what had just happened. counter-parts. By watching Dravid maintaining sion that Australian teams have been notorious for. Since then, I’ve heard a lot more about my Gandhian composure as an angry Michael Slater This was the new culture of Indian cricket. Importantly, Virat Kohli’s temperament had im- pacts that extended well beyond the eleven play- ers in his dressing room. It was a new attitude that affected an entire generation of Indian youths. For me, it was a way to challenge the ideas of white supremacy, my taller blonde-haired friends would exercise daily. I found myself willing to speak up, to fight back and believe in my abilities. Despite the “Virat Effect”, I hadn’t erased the lessons of Why The Simpsons couldn’t past Indian cricketers from my mind. It was about balance, about picking our battles and knowing when to channel aggression. At times, it was best to just move on and not waste energy on an igno- survive the new millennium rant person. Yet ultimately, in times where people Virat Kohli in action sledged him, I learnt how to exercise dignity in cross a line, both an entire generation of Indians Edit: Michael Sun the face of aggressive white masculinity.. The atti- and I can look to Virat. tude of “turning the other cheek” was the invalua- Of course, it made me more aggressive on the Countless other shows have stood the test of time and remained relevant. brown skin, both on and off the field. Some com- ble lesson my Indian heroes had taught me. sporting field, but it also made me more resilient Why has the most successful comedy of all time fallen behind? ments, were filled with stinging hatred, while But merely avoiding conflict left me unsettled. in life. Today, when white people in University at- others, made in jest almost made me laugh. But I needed something more. Sourav Ganguly gave tempt to intimidate me, I look to Virat, finally re- somewhere down the line, the way I reacted me hints of it, as he stood up to Ricky Ponting, alising that I need not constantly internalise their changed. Shame turned to anger, and the scared refusing to be swept aside as yet another weak racism. Sometimes I can fight back, and I don’t child confused by racial taunts became a more au- Indian. In the summer of 2012 I finally found need to care about how that makes my oppressors thoritative person, ready to give it back and not what I had been craving all these years. In the feel. Sure, it may be somewhat performative and take any shit. It was a process I now like to call middle of one of Indian Cricket’s most humiliating the racism and leveraging of white privilege still ‘The Virat Effect’. performances, a young Virat Kohli was taking the hurts. But at least it denies them what they’ve al- Jacob Henegan / Words Deepa Alam / Art As an Indian Australian, cricket was a critical fight to the Aussies, returning insults and flipping ways wanted- an air of superiority as our people way for me to engage with my culture. It allowed the bird at antagonistic fans. When he drove Pe- bow down to them. In my book, that’s a win.

12 13 LONGER READ LONGER READ

It’s no secret that The Simpsons isn’t what it used staff was able to be successfully restocked once was A PRODUCT OF CULTURE by the masses. There are still nerds, of course, but right, is part of what makes the show The Simpsons. sons, is great on a joke level and an episode level. to be. There’s something kind of bizarre about a a small miracle; it simply couldn’t happen a second not the kind of nerd Lisa is. Perhaps the challenge of It’s a style of TV making that made sense in the 90s The variety and creativity of the jokes is timeless The real issue is that The Simpsons is an exploration fan community of a show that’s currently making time.” He also points out that the show suffered sig- trying to fit these essentially 90s characters into 21st and allowed it to be great in the 90s, but is now and a credit to the talent of the early Simpsons of modern culture, a satirical mirror at the world it new episodes being so steeped in nostalgia, but de- nificantly from the deaths of voice actor Phil Hart- century boxes while keeping them consistent is why leading the show to suffer in the 21st century. staff, but the bedrock those jokes are built on is exists in, but it is also, at its core, a product of the spite the show being in its 28th season, Facebook man, known for his characters Troy McClure and great episodes. What made these episodes great 1990s. The Simpsons features a cast of characters, a the characters have lost so much of the depth and fan pages rarely reference anything that aired after Lionel Hutz, and Doris Grau, who was celebrated style of comedy and a pace of development which diversity they once had. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD COMEDIES was the show’s ability to hold a mirror up to so- 2000. Simpsons trivia and karaoke events bill them- for her work as both the show’s script supervisor and are all inextricably 90s, and any attempt to pull it ciety through the use of their incredibly deep and selves as “seasons 1-10 only”, and ratings have been her amazing delivery as Lunchlady Doris, as well as It’s not just the speed, however, but the satirical tone into the 21st century creates a sort of uncanniness, THE SPEED OF SATIRE dynamic cast of characters to make believable sto- steadily dropping for years. countless bit parts and one off characters. of the show itself which has fallen behind the times. where everything feels a little bit off. ries. As culture has evolved, the characters have People disagree just when the golden age ends – While the talent of the staff can’t be discounted – Given the vastly different space of TV satire in the I recently rewatched a season 20 episode, Mypods The tiredness of these jokes was something new lost their relevance, and the mirror has been dis- fans I’ve spoken to have the decline starting as early writers like George Meyer, Conan O’Brien and John 90s, the show developed a level of subtlety which and Broomsticks. For those unfamiliar, the episode’s to The Simpsons as well. In the 90s, The Simpsons torted by a changing world of satire. It happened as season 8 or as late as season 13 – but they all Swartzwelder are often considered the best comedy today reads as toothless. The most obvious example A plot is about Lisa getting an iPod, and the B plot was on the cutting edge of satire. Fox was a rela- so gradually that the creators may not have even agreed it was less of a sudden drop in quality and writers of their generation – it feels like there’s more being the lightly veiled stand-ins for public figures. is Bart becoming friends with a Muslim kid who tively new and minor network in 1989, and James L. noticed at first, but even if they had, there was more a slow process of it feeling not quite the same. going on. While The Simpsons creates characters like Dred- just moved to his school. I wanted to watch it for Brooks managed to negotiate a deal that the major nothing they could do. So, what happened? How did one of the most When I asked Ellen Dodd, cofounder of popular erick Tatum and Rainier Wolfcastle, most modern this article because I remember it exhibiting a lot networks would never have given anyone: no execu- The Simpsons has become a cultural relic, and beloved comedies of all time turn into a show that Simpsons meme group CompuglobalHyperMegaNet comedies would feel confident they could get away of this temporal dissonance – a 90s satire of 21st tive notes. Standards and Practices could still censor as the bedrock faded the jokes got worse too, ei- most of its self-proclaimed biggest fans don’t even Australia and New Zea- with using Mike Tyson or Arnold Schwarzenegger century situations and them to keep them FCC compliant, but other than ther because they couldn’t pull the talent they watch anymore? land, what feels differ- directly as a character. Simpsonised celebrity treat- 90s characters deal- that the writers had total creative control. While needed anymore, or because everybody has just ent about the newer epi- ment looks relatively toothless, like they’re too ‘The real issue is that The Simp- ing with 21st century networks like Adult Swim, HBO and Netflix have stopped caring as much. But even at its best, all sodes, she told me it feels afraid to use Steve Jobs’ real name when making fun FALSE EQUIVALENCE problems – but one made this hands off approach more popular, it was a The Simpsons can hope for now is a few brief mo- like there’s “some kind of sons is an exploration of modern of him, for example. Ironically, without the ground- thing really surprised unique deal at the time, and allowed The Simpsons to ments of its former glory. The simplest answer often mustered up by Simp- desperate attempt to stay work The Simpsons laid in the 90s, such extreme sat- culture, a satirical mirror at the me: the writing was push boundaries other mainstream shows couldn’t sons enthusiasts eager to explain its demise is that a modern and be relevant”. ire may have never reached the mainstream. They good. Not just the get away with. Compared to the boldness of today’s BUT THAT’S OKAY show just can’t stay good for that long, and that peo- It didn’t matter that they world it exists in, but it is also, at swung the pendulum so hard that, over the years, it writing, either: there satirical landscape, it’s easy to forget that The Simp- ple run out of things to do with the characters and don’t know what a New- has left them behind. its core, a product of the 1990s’ were some really well sons was once considered biting social commentary While the show itself may be beyond repair, its their world. It’s an interesting theory, but looking at ton is, or if Rory Calhoun When I asked Sam Nall if there were any good ep- directed jokes, some and very controversial at the time. legacy lives on in the entire landscape of great other successful long running comedies I just don’t is long dead. The jokes isodes after season 12, he told me “It’s not even ep- great pieces of voice acting, strong visual gags and There was a large movement of concerned par- comedy it has inspired. There’s hardly a comedian buy it. South Park has managed to remain relevant still work, even today. But with the newer episodes, isodes, that’s the disappointing thing. In season 13 all the hallmarks of quality Simpsons. While I’d be ents boycotting the show for its inappropriateness, working today who doesn’t draw from The Simp- and celebrated among its fans into its 20th season, so many of the jokes feel uncomfortable and embar- and 14 it becomes about moments. Like, sometimes hesitant to compare it to all time favourites like the citing Bart as a particularly bad influence, way back sons. And if you want to go back to the source, and season 12 of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia rassing, a half-assed attempt to tap into the zeitgeist. there’s a moment or a joke that’s like ‘wow, that is monorail episode or the lemon tree episode, the when the show first started coming out. George H.W. there’s still 8-12 seasons of amazing Simpsons and is shaping up to be its most successful season yet, Some critics say that The Simpsons should end its class Simpsons right there.’ But just for a moment, standard of writing was up to a low-mid tier episode Bush even cited The Simpsons as a symbol of moral it isn’t going anywhere. HS both by viewership and critical acclaim. The diver- constant attempts to have a take on what’s going then it’s back to bad.” The Simpsons, classic Simp- from the golden age, and wouldn’t have felt out of corruption during his election campaign. sity and richness of The on in current events. place in, say, season 10 or 11 of the show. Simpsons’ massive cast But the thing that they This was strange, because I didn’t remember any has at least as much ‘Some critics say that The Simp- don’t quite understand of that quality from the first time I watched the ep- room for growth and is that The Simpsons ‘Perhaps the challenge of try- sons should end its constant at- isode. In fact, when I first saw that episode in De- exploration as either of has always tried to cember 2008, it was when I finally gave up on new ing to fit these essentially 90s these shows, and yet its tempts to have a take on what’s stay relevant. They’ve Simpsons. I still check in now and then and watch a IMDB ratings have been never just focussed on characters into 21st century going on in current events. But recent episode or two, just to see what’s happening, declining steadily since timeless stories, jokes the thing that they don’t quite but I gave up on my mission to see every episode that boxes while keeping them con- season nine. or ideas, but constantly day. It had only just come out then, and everything Prominent Simpsons understand is that The Simpsons parody politicians, sistent is why the characters about it felt tired, toothless and jarring, to the point critic ‘Charlie Sweat- celebrities, and new has always tried to stay relevant’ that I spent more time groaning than laughing. have lost so much of the depth pants’ (probably not trends and technolo- There was something uncomfortable about Lisa’s his real name) of Dead gies. The episode 22 and diversity they once had’ plotline in particular. Wanting to buy an iPod but Homers Society lays out his theory in his blog- Short Films About Springfield is littered with refer- not being able to afford one feels wrong on Lisa. turned-book, Zombie Simpsons. Poorly summarizing ences to Pulp Fiction shortly after its release, there’s It’s not merely a case of her acting out of character, a 12 chapter book in one line, I’d say his argument a crossover episode with the critic in season six, and So how did a show Charlie Sweatpants called either. The characters in The Simpsons, especially centres primarily on two related factors: writing a whole episode in season seven about president “The most Anti-Authoritarian Show On TV” end up in the early years, were always pretty dynamic, to choices and staffing. George H.W. Bush. feeling toothless and stale? the point of inconsistent. Mike Scully, who wrote on He points to the retirement of almost all of the But all those episodes feel genuine and true to Well, first of all, it can’t keep up. Back in the 90s, the show from season 6, explained how dynamic he original writing staff of the first four seasons, and the show in a way that Lady Gaga’s guest star spot the pace of parody was slower. The Simpsons’ devel- intended the characters to be on a recent podcast, the second wave of new hires around season 5, doesn’t. opment cycle, from the time the story is broken and saying that “We always laugh on the show with Bart, through seasons 8-12. He claims: “That the writing the first draft is written to when it goes to air, ranges because there’s a lot of episodes where he’s like, the from six to nine months. That means that writers cool, badass kid, [e.g. when he leads the gang in the have to write a joke at least half a year before it lemon tree episode] and then there’s others where makes it to air. In the 90s this wasn’t a problem for he’s being picked on by all the bullies. [e.g. when he satire, but today it’s incredibly slow. takes up ballet lessons]” South Park, which focuses much more on rele- If anything, Sam Nall, cofounder of USyd’s short- vance over timelessness than The Simpsons ever did, lived No Homer’s Club, notes that the characters has a development cycle on the scale of days. Over have gotten more consistent over time, to the detri- this last presidential campaign, they were able to ment of the show. “Everybody’s been flanderized, es- follow Trump’s journey from joke candidate to real pecially the main cast. Every character has to be just candidate to president in step with the news cycle, one thing these days. Homer’s just stupid, Marge is releasing an episode about him becoming president just a nag, Lisa is just the conscience.” Flanderiza- the day after the election and allowing them to feel tion is a TV trope named for Ned Flanders, where timely. At an even quicker development pace, com- a character becomes consumed by what was once edy news programs like The Daily Show are satiris- a minor characteristic and loses all depth – in Flan- ing news events the day they happen, and on the ders’ case, his religion. At first he was just a good, internet, news and cultural events are joked about decent neighbour who paid attention in church to on Reddit and Twitter in real time as they happen. counterpoint Homer sleeping through it, but by sea- With the ever increasing pace of both our culture son 7 he was a religious zealot. itself and the comedy commenting on it, six to nine So if the characters have gotten more consistent, months is way too long for a joke to stay in the zeit- not less, why do we keep getting these jarring char- geist. This, more than anything, is why so many acter moments like Lisa’s iPod plotline? It’s because Simpsons jokes these days feel like your mum send- Lisa would never want an iPod, not because it’s out ing you a meme or your physics professor dabbing. of character, but because iPods and Lisa don’t exist in It’s not the writers or producers, but the behemoth the same universe, or, at least, not at the same time. that is the show itself, always just out of touch, its Lisa’s character is so heavily rooted in the 90s that finger six months behind the pulse. it creates a cognitive dissonance when you see her But The Simpsons can’t speed up its development dealing with 21st century issues and trends. Lisa’s cycle too much without compromising the show. social isolation and nerdiness don’t make sense in a That extra time to go through rewrites and table world where science and technology are celebrated reads, and to get the animation style they use just

14 15 RUMPUS ROOM REGULARS Across Down Quick REALLY LONG 1. Gets rid of 1. How are you? (Italian) 6. Staffs 2. “Moving on” Honi Doctor 10. Most repeated surname in “The Princess Bride” 3. Australia’s oldest residential college MANY WORDS I’ve been thinking of having anal sex but am scared 12. Louis C.K., for example 4. Blow a horn it’ll hurt too much. What should I know if I want to 13. First companion of the Eleventh Doctor 5. In ___ (harmonious) Explain your thesis using only 200 of the top 1000 try it? 14. Far in the past 6. Like Bert Newton English words. 17. Prepare for a new series, often 7. “___ I with you?” Ulysses (irregular contraction) Since having anal sex, the use of the phrase “fucked 18. “Just press submit!” 8. Chef Lawson My big work of words asked why peace talks fail within in the ass” to denote suffering makes no sense to 19. Brother of Jacob 9. Provoking more fear societies where some people don’t like other groups of me. Because anal sex can be great! 20. Count played by Patrick Harris 10. Horse mothers people. I looked at two example societies to try under- First thing’s first: if you don’t want to have anal 22. Soda made with 5% lemon juice 11. Improvised stand this question. The first society is in the Middle sex — DON’T. If you’re partner really wants to but 23. Flair 12. Easier to see East and has two groups. The first group is the state you’re not up for it, they need to respect that. 25. George Michael portrayer 15. Natural talents of the first People of the Book, and the second group If you do want to, the person you have it with 26. Jared of “Suicide Squad” 16. ___ von Bismarck is people who the state of the first People of the Book NEEDS to respect you and place your pleasure as a 27. Useful quality 21. Staple of vegetarian cuisine pushed away. They dislike each other because the sec- high priority. Most of the bad anal experiences i’ve 29. Sweet drinks 24. Wriggly fish ond group of people want a state, but the state of the heard about have been when someone’s been co- 31. Outshining qualities 28. Offices of casual university employees first People of the Book does not like that. erced into it, or the process itself was rushed. 33. 2003 French comedy with Depardieu and Reno 30. Nicholas II, for one The second society is the long country at the north Anal sex takes time and a lot of lube. Lots of 36. Papa 32. Supposed of the Middle East, that is south of the Black Sea. The lube. When you think you have enough lube, add 40. Lima, e.g. 33. Adagio and allegro two groups are the people who speak the language this a bit more. I recommend silicon, as it can be a little 41. Nothing but 34. Pooh and Roo’s creator state is named after, and a people who live in the south- thicker. 43. Have the throne 35. Bathe ____ (be looked on favourably) east of the state, on the edge with other countries who Make sure that whoever is penetrating spends 45. Austen heroine 37. Gives meaning speak a different language. These groups don’t like time fingering or rimming the anus first. Or place a 46. Tear down 38. Books often kept hidden in teenage years each other because they speak different languages. butt plug up there during foreplay if you have one. 47. Casino game (sounds like an Egyptian king) 39. Jon’s wildling GF My research found that peace talks between groups Once the anus is lubed up and relaxed, you can 48. “To err is human, but it feels divine.” e.g. 40. Car honk 49. Think highly of in these societies fail because the groups do not like start penetrating with the penis or dildo. Go slow to 50. Headache helper 42. A long time 51. Green actor each other. Talking about peace does not make them begin with. It can be an odd feeling and take time 53. Steal stuff 44. The 5th canonical hour (about 3pm) 52. 100% like each other more. Importantly, leaders of these to adjust. 54. Meet again after 20 years, for example groups act in a way that makes people of the other Finally, communication is crucial. Especially if 55. “I’ll remember that” group of people like them less. This makes talking your partner is penetrating from behind & thus con- 56. Paved roads Quick crossword and sudoku by Dover. about peace harder. JK trolling the speed and depth of penetration. Make 57. Farm females sure you’re both checking-in throughout to ensure 58. “Siddhartha” author If you’re interested in puzzles, check out CrossSoc, USyd’s own crossword and puzzles society. Jonty Katz’s researched why peace processes in eth- the best anal experience possible. nically divided societies fail. “I compared the Israel/ For some people, it will hurt a little, but as long as Palestine and Turkey/Kurdistan Worker’s Party con- you remain relaxed and lubed, it should get better. flicts, finding that such peace processes fail when If it doesn’t, let your partner know & stop. You can the two ethnic groups do not adequately trust each try just fingering or abandon the practice altogether! Target Sudoku other; and that in peace processes leaders of ethnic The infamous ‘Tortoise & the Hare’ tale is actually communities acted in such a way that undermined an analogy for good anal sex; slow, steady & slimy support for the peace process in the other ethnic will always win the race (which, if it’s really good, community. will actually never end!). CT

P.S. Send your sex queries to [email protected] Reprint P.P.S Honi Doctor is a newspaper column, not a real doctor Reuse Recycle watch Some peculiar Turnbullisms What to Nikki Webster re- Dear Sir, Honi should never shut its doors to students opin- ions, no matter how unpleasant they may appear to when releases Strawberry Since I nearly got elected editor I have given a great the editors of the moment. For this years Honi to be Target Rules: Kisses Solution from Week 3: anthem, ashine, atheism, deal of thought to what role Honi should fill in a improved on it will need more staff. The majority of Minimum 6 letters per word. 5 words: ok, hasten, hetman, HISTAMINE, inmate, inseam, in- university like ours. people that roast Honi are neither willing, or if the 10 words: good, 15, very good, 20 words: ex- timae, mashie, samite, stamen, theism, thiamine, truth be known, capable of doing anything to help it. cellent. Solution in next week’s Honi. tisane. Firstly should it be produced with the aim of being Yet there are capable people that must be enlisted. overwhelmingly popular? If so, itists and bums and Honi needs more feature writers so that the editors vomit men are the order of the day. The taste of stu- have more of a choice and thus a better paper. dents en masse does not appear to be any less base than that of mass citizens. And one doesn’t need to There is one thing however, the new editors will The Camperdown Public Chatterbox have much knowledge of the rise and fall of news- have to watch, the development of a clique that 1. Almost Famous papers to realise that the recipe for stuccess is a very doesn’t encourage new ideas and thus turns in on crude mixture indeed. The Pulitzers, the Hearsts itself, wallowing in its isolation and irrelevance to GIRLS TO THE FRONT (2000) mitment from the Greek males. After all, it is called dents from such acts of ideologic— sorry, meteoro- and the Murdochs made their names and fortunes the students. a Society…” logical — violence. out of sex and sin. The comments have since been removed, and I hope that these things can be accomplished, the 2. LOL Unlike most recent elections, the Sydney Uni- were in fact replaced with congratulations. SCHOOL DISCO WAS A GREAT HIT! new editors will certainly have the capability to do versity Greek Society (SUGS) has moved to- If one, however, has little feeling for the low tastes so, it remains to be seen whether they will have the (2012) wards greater female representation. of many of our contemporaries, is it then better to STUDENTS LAMENT THEFT OF UMBRELLAS As always, the school disco was a fantastic night en- will. The USU-affiliated club elected an all-female attempt to educate, or uplift the students by pro- joyed by all. The K–2 segment of the evening went 3. Limelight executive at its Annual General Meeting last ducing a quality paper dealing with more serious Several disgruntled USyd students have allegedly off without a hitch, and years 3–6 very much en- So I wish the new team good luck for the new year’s week. matters without being “heavy” as Arena is and thus had their umbrellas stolen after leaving them out- joyed Mr Cook’s rendition of the ‘Nutbush’. We’re toils and an even better Honi. (1952) But, like most elections of recent times, the turning people off. The choice between the two can side Fisher Library on rainy days. Everyday, regular, also pleased to announce that $1351 was raised for elected team couldn’t escape criticism based be characterised as the ‘73 smut and abuse Honi highly relatable student Max Harper is just one of the new Covered Outdoor Learning Area! Thanks to Yours etc. 4. Dreams on their gender. Just moments after posting of those two outstanding businessmen, Peake and the many victims of this heinous crime. all parents who helped with the sausage sizzle and a congratulatory photo of the new executive Kiely and the more enlightened and serious Honi “I was studying in Fisher, and came out to find my jelly stall. HS Malcolm Turnbull. (1990) to Facebook, a Facebook user commented be- this year of Margan and Grose. umbrella stolen,” he revealed to Honi. neath the picture: “Wow. No men. That can’t Honi can confirm Harper has filed a police report, Reprint, Reuse, Recycle delves into the basement 5. Never Say Never be healthy. It says there is no interest or com- I certainly believe that Honi ‘75 should follow this of Fisher to find eclectic Honi articles from years and believes more needs to be done to protect stu- year’s tradition, but should also follow the liberal gone by. This article is from issue 27, 1974. (2011) policy of printing all shades of political opinion.

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Currently, students are able to earn up to $437 per fortnight without reduction to Youth Allowance. BOOKS CHEAP Buy for 70% of retail value*

The Student Income Bank is a way to bank”. It can accumulate $10,900. allow students to earn some money while receiving Youth Allowance. Cur- If you have nothing left in your “stu- rently, students are able to earn up to dent income bank” the reduction in $437 per fortnight without reduction your payment is calculated as 50 cents SELL to Youth Allowance. That means, if in per dollar for every dollar between the first fortnight you didn’t earn any $437 and $524, then 60 cents per dol- money, you could earn $874 ($437 + lar for every dollar afterwards. $437) in the second fortnight without a reduction to Youth Allowance. If in These amounts are current as at 19th the second fortnight you only earned March, 2017, and will change a couple BOOKS $100, your Youth Allowance wouldn’t of times a year. For more details look be reduced and the remaining $774 at the Student Income Bank ‘Calcula- would carry to the third fortnight. This tor’ in the SRC Help section of the SRC amount is called your “student income website. FOR Ask Abe SRC caseworker HELP Q&A CASH

The Ask Abe column allows you to ask whatever question you might have that affects you as a student, gaining the best advice Highest cashback that a very worldly mutt* can give. rate on campus! DISABILITY UNIT Dear Determined, I’m sorry to hear that you have Dear Abe, been so stressed for so long. It actu- Get 40% of retail Every semester I do really well in ally sounds like you suffer from anxi- - ety. I would urge you to see a doctor to talk about it. Sometimes doctors value paid in CASH!* stressedthe first out few to weeks, the point then where as the I stop as aren’t very good at helping people eatingsignments and starthave toinsomnia. come in, I Idon’t get really have with illnesses like that, so if you need help finding a good doctor that bulk * Conditions apply, see details in store - bills ask an SRC caseworker. You can allyany friendswant to to do talk well to aboutthis semester this, and so my I also register with the Disabilities Unit. mum just thinks I’m being a sook. I re You might be able to get later dead- lines for assignments and extra time in can graduate and get a job. What advice exams. Try to be realistic about what you can achieve in a semester. It is far Determined.would you have for me? better to enroll in 2 subjects and pass Level 4, Wentworth Building, them, than to enroll in 4 subjects and University of Sydney fail 2 of them. Most importantly ask (Next to the International Lounge) for help. If you are not sure where to start, make an appointment with an p: 02 9660 4756 SRC caseworker. w: src.usyd.edu.au/src-books Abe 18 19 SRC REPORTS SRC REPORTS

Note: These pages are given over to the office bearers of the Students’ Representative Council. The reports below are not President’s Report edited by the editors of Honi Soit. Welfare Officers’ Report ISABELLA BROOK LILY CAMPBELL, BELLA DEVINE-POULOS, HARRY GREGG and CAITIE MCMENAMIN

By the time you’re reading this report learning outcomes in a shorter period one week,” you’re thinking to yourself, ing and I’m not sure if I can say that I It’s been a busy fortnight for the Wel- and Domestic Violence Services Aus- 26th), an event held by conservative they were previously, almost certainly the Academic Board of the University, of time. While the university claims it “It can’t be THAT awful”, but the one believe its for the better. fare Officers. The NUS National Day tralia had an impressive contingent groups attacking wom*n’s reproduc- due to Trump’s victory in the US. Per- that is the top advisory body when it has undertaken an extensive amount week difference isn’t the biggest of our If you’re worried about the future of Action occurred on Wednesday the as part of their current campaign ‘No tive rights. Other campaigns in the sonally, I am currently working in comes to academic matters, will have of consultation on this proposal, they worries. What I’m most worried about of your education, speak up and voice 22nd, with students gathering to ex- Profit From Rape’ against government works include building for the ‘Save conjunction with General Secretary voted for or against a proposal that have failed to consult and inform is that this is just another step towards your frustration. Talk to your mates, press their discontent with the Liberal attempts to privatise support services. Our Penalty Rates’ rally on the 2nd of Daniel Ergas on a campaign to hold seeks to alter semester dates. This pro- those who will be most effected by the restructuring of our university in a your teachers or join the SRC’s educa- government’s cuts to penalty rates and The Welfare Officers will continue to April, as well as assisting the Campus a particularly exploitative business posal plans to shorten semesters from this change, the average student at way that could drastically alter our ed- tion action group. Shoot me an email poorly managed Centrelink system, as support this campaign whole-heart- Refugee Action Collective with their on campus accountable. Keep an eye 13 weeks to 12 weeks and extend the University of Sydney. Student repre- ucation. This trend isn’t just restricted at [email protected] to find well as harmful USyd faculty restruc- edly. work in preparation for the Palm Sun- out for upcoming events and remain winter break so that semester 2 starts sentatives across a number of different to Usyd, we’re seeing a number of uni- out how you can get involved and like tures. Furthermore, the International The Welfare Department has also day refugee rights march. It is worth woke. and ends later in the year. faculties have raised concerns with me versities implement a trimester model our facebook page www.facebook. Wom*n’s Day March on Saturday the been working with the Wom*n’s of- noting that USyd students appear to The SRC has serious concerns regarding how this proposal will affect in restructures that have outraged stu- com/usydsrc/ to stay up to date. 11th was a great success, with many ficers to plan a protest against the have returned to university more po- Written by Caitlin McMenamin about the impact that these changes them and expressed their frustrations. dents across the country. Regardless of USyd students in attendance. Rape Day of the Unborn Child (March litically enlightened and engaged than will have on the student learning ex- I know that some of you reading this if this proposal is passed or rejected by perience. Namely, students and staff are probably thinking that I’m making the Academic Board, we know that the will face increased pressure to achieve a mountain out of a molehill. “It’s only landscape of our university is chang- Vice Presidents’ Report JAMES GIBSON and IMAN FARRAR

General Secretaries’ Report The University of Sydney SRC Vice However, for one to act in a way vulnerable in our society. The Aus- dents, and the SRC would thus like to Presidents condemn the proposed which directly offends, insults or hu- tralian Human Rights Commissioner, remind students of the free legal and ISABELLA PYTKA and DANIEL ERGAS changes to Section 18C of the Racial miliates another based on “race, col- Gillian Triggs, expressed she was “es- casework support services available to Discrimination Act 1975 (Cth) pro- our or national or ethnic origin” is a pecially concerned” with the removal them. Furthermore, as Vice Presidents [The appropriate soundtrack for this tion because of the three of us, but ble without the OBs, or the staff. elections, and his first love, Juliet, is posed by the Australian Government, breach of the responsibility that comes of the term “humiliate”, and that the of the University of Sydney SRC, we report is either: Strawberry Kisses, because of the collectives and their Sk8er Boi, by the punk rock prin- every other attempt at regulations and believe that removing the terms, with the (implied) right of freedom draft proposal in itself was a “highly will be attending Walk for Respect on or Sk8er Boi. Please indulge us by OBs, who do the most important work cess of the 00’s, Avril Lavigne, talks of change. (Apologies to Cameron Cac- “insult”, “offend” and “humiliate” of speech in Australia, it is a breach unsatisfactory… circular process”, the 31 March @5:30pm at the Corner switching from your banal indie-rock- of reaching out to students, and mak- the star crossed love between a punk camo.) But as you see through the with the ambiguous term, “harass”, when “freedom of speech” becomes particularly in its proposal alongside of Gillies St and Haldon St, Lakemba, pop Spotify playlist, to your choice of ing change on and off campus; and rock guy (Romeo) and a ballet girl song, he gets a new Juliet (ie. us), and is highly problematic to Australian “hate speech”. Section 18C as it stands a rhetoric of fear and the perpetua- speaking in favour of ensuring that these two ‘naughties’ bangers.] the SRC staff, who tend to the institu- (Juliet). Our reasoning for choosing famous ‘Sk8er Boi’ is the SRC elections multiculturalism and a fundamental provides a framework that helps draw tion of the ‘topical other’. As far as the these changes to Section 18C will not You may be wondering why we tional knowledge we often lack, and the tune Strawberry Kisses worked, after we change the regs. step backwards. Many of us are opin- the line between the two, and whilst it university culture and environment proceed through Parliament and so chose these songs – beyond their ob- make sure the lights are on and the but right now you are probably think- Tune in in two weeks for our next ionated – and opinions, whilst some- does fall short in some areas, it is in- goes, we will not stand for the justi- encourage anyone interested to come vious melodic worth. bills can be paid. ing, “Dan and Bella, I can’t think of a smash hit, aka our report, times controversial are respected. herently aimed at protecting the most fication of empty hatred amongst stu- and show your support. Strawberry Kisses, much like your Two weeks ago, we filed our SSAF reason as to why you are mentioning Bella and Daniel xx SRC, may seem on its face to be the proposal, declaring how we reckon Sk8er Boi.” work of one great youthful artist (I the SRC could use part of your $290 Well, stupol hack who just filled speak, of course, of Nikki Webster). to provide you with support – from a out a USU board director nomination While this will undoubtedly shock new multilingual caseworker, to a so- form, here is the SRC version of Sk8er you, while we share these pages regu- licitor who specialises in harassment Boi. Pre-fame ‘Sk8er Boi’ (ie. the tit- larly with Izzy, the SRC does not func- cases – none of which would be possi- ular ‘boi’ himself) is the current SRC Notice of Council Meeting IN A PICKLE? Wom*n’s Officers’ Report IMOGEN GRANT and KATIE THORBURN 89th Students’ This Friday is Trans Day of Visibility is Burning before the QuAC party at helpful, or you’d like to know more, sor Moira Carmody, in creating a USyd (TDOV). The University of Sydney STUCCO - please come, there will be email usydwomenscollective@gmail. specific module. Representative Council, Wom*n’s Collective stands with trans- food! com. On Sunday we hosted a Pro-Choice gender and non-binary people and The Survivor Network is up and After much pressure from the stu- Rally. The protest comes at a crucial their struggles against gender-based running. The idea for the initiative dent body and survivor advocates, time. We seem to be at an impasse University of Sydney discrimination, particularly those stems from a similar network in Paki- USyd is currently considering a con- around the issue of abortion in NSW. Criminal Charges along feminine-spectrum identities. stan, and the lion’s share of the work sent module to be rolled out to stu- On one hand, we’re so close to legalis- To celebrate TDOV, come to our Rad- to make it happen has come from Post- dents. We trialled the Consent Matters ing abortion in NSW and implement- ical Trans Politics Workshop on Tues- Grad Women’s Officer, the formidable, module. This module clearly doesn’t ing exclusion zones, however, simul- day the 28th 5pm in Old Teachers Col- Mariam Mohammed. The space has even meet the University’s own aca- taneously Fred Nile is resurrecting his lege Rm 427 (Level 4). It will explore already provided incredible support demic standards for best practice as war on body-autonomy by re-intro- Motor Vehicle Accidents the roots of trans oppression under for the courageous women survivors students don’t have to answer ques- ducing “Zoe’s Law”. More reason to Fines capitalism and colonialism, the devel- who are taking part. Being able to talk tions to progress to the next section follow our public page and join our FB opment of the trans rights movement, openly and realise you’re not alone of the module! WoCo maintains that group! DATE: 5th April and the problems with trans liberal- brings an immense source of strength USyd should seek the assistance of in- Insurance ism. On Friday the 31st we will also for many of the survivors. If you are a ternational leaders in sexual assault TIME: 6–8pm Debts be hosting a film screening of Paris survivor and think this space could be prevention education, such as Profes- LOCATION: Professorial Immigration ...and more International Students’ Officers’ Report Board Room (Quadrangle) HELENA NG WAI TING, YIFAN KONG, WENXIN FANG and ZHIXIAN WANG did not submit a report If You Have a Legal Problem, We Can Help for FREE!

法律諮詢 We have a solicitor 法律アドバイス who speaks Cantonese, w: src.usyd.edu.au Level 1, Wentworth Bldg, University of Sydney Mandarin & Japanese p: 02 9660 5222 p: 02 9660 5222 | w: src.usyd.edu.au Liability limited by This service is provided e: solicitor @ src.usyd.edu.au a scheme approved to you by the Students’ under Professional Representative Council, ACN 146 653 143 | MARN 1276171 Standards Legislation. University of Sydney

20 21 Manhunt for fuckwit bus driver running 10 minutes early April Fool’s tragedy: hundreds die as Flatmate opens mixed- Jayce Carrano criminal behaviour. on board. Footage obtained by The Garter ap- leaf salad before it rots. Transport Editor “My son knew the 412 was always a bit pears to show some of those hostages leaving emergency calls mistaken for pranks eratic so he made a habit of showing up five the bus while other individuals enter. Com- Jamie Weiss ignored if the caller has a funny name —was Alisha Brown minutes early. I guess today that wasn’t mentators have suggested this may be some A city-wide manhunt is underway for the Emergency Services Reporter enacted after last year when one prankster’s Youth Editor driver of a 412 Sydney bus who has been ar- enough,” says Jane Turner, the mother of sort of pre-arranged prisoner exchange. calls resulted in every single police officer in riving at stops nearly a dozen minutes ahead Max Turner who was one of the victims of The driver is believed to be middle-aged Parliament has today launched a Royal Com- the state being sent to pig slaughterhouses In what commentators are calling a “huge of schedule. today’s ongoing crimespree. “I just want to and of Caucasian appearance. He was last mission into the aftermath of April 1st, a day and donut stores around NSW. surprise”, 20-year-old Becky May has man- There have been previous incidents of fel- know why he did this. Max could have come seen wearing a ‘Transport NSW’ uniform and which saw emergency services across Aus- Despite the mayhem, authorities say they aged to open her 200g 4-leaf Coles-brand ons running five or even six minutes ahead home to his family at the same time that he driving a Scania K280UB model passenger tralia ignore every single 000 call. are not to blame. salad mix before it completely decomposed. of schedule but double digits are unheard of. does every other night. I just want answers.” bus. Police are calling for anyone with infor- The death toll on Sunday morning stood “Now look, our hearts go out to the many This victory is the latest in a series of NSW Police began the search at 6:00pm to- Unverified reports have suggested that the mation to come forward. at 512, with many more injured, and mil- victims of that grave day but our decision to wins for White after her bin roster was suc- day after repeated triple-zero calls claimed driver may have as many as a dozen hostages lions of dollars in property damage from fire, not respond to calls was a rational one,” says cessfully implemented with housemates last that the bus was dangerously out of control. theft, and a wild pack of wolves. One young NSW Ambulance Chief Executive, Dominic month. “This sort of situation is completely un- boy’s parents told The Garter that their son Morgan. “One man called in to say a person “It was $3 per packet but I’d pay twice that acceptable,” said NSW Police Commissioner had repeatedly warned police about the wolf called Ophelia Rass had been hit by a car. Are for this sort of natural goodness,” she said. Andrew Scipione. “This driver’s acts are de- pack but been ignored. you telling me you’d send an ambulance at “I almost lost the thing in the fridge under a praved, irresponsible, and without empathy. Many believe the tragedy is primarily a huge cost to the taxpayer off the back of that kilo of broccolini, but when it resurfaced the We are doing our best to bring him to justice.” result of NSW emergency services adopting obviously fake name?” brown-to-green ratio was perfect.” Police initially used special software the controversial “Bart Simpson” response Rass died at the scene. She leaves behind In fact, when the package was recovered, known as ‘TripView’ to determine the ren- policy. The policy — which allows calls to be two young children. May was still able to see individual leaves. egade driver’s route and attempted to inter- “I usually forget about it until it turns into cept him at Central Station. a bag of gross green juice like some sort of “Unfortunately, the suspect was even fur- health-infused goon bag.” ther ahead of schedule at that point so of- May has been purchasing pre-packaged ficers arrived too late to apprehend him,” Coles salads along with mixed berry nut bars said Constable Byron Lee who is spearhead- and brunette hair dye ever since she discov- ing the search. ered “that hot Greek girl on Instagram with In the hours since the chase began, numer- the eyebrows”. ous sydneysiders have come forward to allege “Nothing beats the satisfaction of droop- that this isn’t the first time such an incident ing lettuce leaves over my multigrain sour- has occurred with Sydney bus drivers. dough,” she sighed. “Except maybe opening The victims’ confronting accounts paint up a new edition of Frankie magazine.” this as only the latest in a long pattern of Pictured: A Sydney bus similar to the one in question. May’s flatmate, Anne-Marie, later con- tacted The Garter to assert that May had never opened any of her Frankie magazines either. Left-wing activist attacks slightly less left-wing friend for easy win

Nick Harriott into a speech worthy of TEDxSydney. on the finer points of immigration policy Political Editor While better saved for an audience of peo- given that we all attend rallies together,” Malcolm Roberts con- ple with vastly different views, the rant was said fellow housemate Alexis DeWit. “Also, It was a feeling too strong to resist when local tactfully deployed in front of friends and al- his arguments seemed a bit too practiced for demns ‘politicisation’ of socialist Ben Schaffer took his slightly more lies whom Schaffer knew would concede to it to actually be off the cuff. I think maybe conservative housemate Penny Chang to task his points. he’s imagined saying this before to some Earth Hour over her opinions on immigration last night. “He probably didn’t need to lecture Penny hard-line Liberals, but only felt safe to stand Ambulance Chief Executive Dominic Morgan in the costume he wore to visit patients on April 1. Patrick Ryan After a long day of arguing with trolls on- up and say it to us.” Environmental Correspondent line and making compelling points that fell While Chang expected a brief apology to be Pictured: on deaf, right-wing ears, Schaffer could not issued over breakfast the next day, Schaffer Australian Senator Malcolm Roberts has to- The dining help but vindicate himself by exploiting the did not so much as an acknowledgement of day released a statement condemning the room table Less attractive friend recruits hotter politeness and guilt his long-time friend the altercation. “overt Greens influence over Earth Hour.” where the would afford him over dinner. “Last time he felt this good was when his Roberts, a climate-change sceptic, has beat-down When Chang suggested that refugee policy grandma said something homophobic,” said friend for display picture warned that while Earth Hour was previously took place. needed a major overhaul but that the nation’s DeWit. “Naturally, Ben condemned her be- Aidan Molins kinda suave.” a “joyous, Aussie event”, it has recently been safety could be considered, Schaffer launched haviour. Privately. On the car ride home.” Youth Editor Donnel disclosed that his display picture overrun by “hippies imposing militant agen- before this was a photo of a Lamborghini from das on everyday family BBQs”. A local man has dealt with a growing unat- Google Images, even though he has since de- “I remember back when you could light tractiveness issue by enlisting the help of a leted the picture from his “profile pictures” her up, cook a snag and have a laugh in the Linkin Park’s new much more attractive friend to lift the overall album. dark with a few mates,” Roberts said. “I could look of his recent display picture. Donnel snagged the opportunity to recruit shut my eyes, smell the candles, and imagine album breaks records The change can’t come fast enough for local hot guy Jamie Bryce for the photo at a being back in the good old days of the 1950s.” Willie Donnel, an unattractive Sydney male, mutual friend’s party when a photographer “Now you can’t even turn off a power “A must-have for any up-and-coming CV after a string of unsuccessful uploads in the visited the snacks table where they both were. switch without the left praising you and stacker”. Full review on page 6. past few years. Bryce says he has to this day, had little as- shoving their environmental ideology down “I didn’t get much attention on my one sociation with Donnel. your throat.” of me at my high school graduation, even “I met the guy a few times, I think. He Roberts has vowed to turn off all of his though I had a suit on and I was looking seems alright.” lights for an entire year as a sign of defiance. However, the photo is embellished with a “These greenies think they can choose how faded meme, asking Facebook users to “name long I have my lights off. I’ll show them.” a more iconic duo” despite the pair not hav- His act of resistance can be followed un- ing any prior history. der the hashtag #365daysinthedark. The move has the added bonus of attracting extra attention and likes from figures who are unfamiliar with Donnel. What appears to be happening is that Willie’s acquaintances are liking the photo thinking he’s me, basically,” said Bryce about the recent change. “It’s not a hard mistake to make, actually. I’m in a much more prominent position in the photo, with Willie on the side. He’s barely in the photo, actually.” Bryce was unaware the change was going to take place. Donnel is currently on the look out for even more attractive friends off the back of his re- Pictured: This man is not attractive. cent success. Artist’s impression: Malcolm Roberts in the dark. April Fool’s day Manhunt for bus driver tragedy aftermath running 10 mins early Authorities unapologetic after “Depraved, irresponsible, ignoring all emergency calls P2» and without empathy” P2»

Woman forgoes pregnancy test after boyfriend gets excited about ‘2 for 1’ polo deal at Lowes

Mary Ward Fashion Reporter

A St Peters woman has purchased a baby high chair despite not having taken a pregnancy test, after observing her partner’s excitement about this weekend’s ‘2 for 1’ deal at discount menswear store Lowes. Amy Tan, 31, told gathered media her boy- friend James Young, also 31, had mentioned that he “might check out” the half price mul- ti-coloured polo shirts. “All the signs are there,” Tan said. “He’s obviously a dad.” Tan feels confident about spending big at Babies “R” Us in the meantime. “I’ve got a bunch of onesies, a gate for the stairs, and a change table,” she said. “I’m holding off on the pram purchase because [Young] pulled the ‘nice to meet you, hungry’ gag on me this morning. If he’s that much of a dad, I could be having twins.” Young said he “wholeheartedly” support- ed his girlfriend’s decision. “The money for a test is better spent on polos, they’re basically giving them away,” he said, while gesticulating towards a new pair of all-white New Balance trainers. “I’m ready for fatherhood.” Pictured: James Young at his local Lowes store.

Opinion: I only asked Less attractive friend recruits hotter you to go on a date because I was hacked mate for Facebook display picture by the Russians. P9»

Willie Donnel has discovered a new way of boosting his social media traction. Continued on page 2 »