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Polyamory in Practice

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Polyamory in Practice Polyamory! In Practice" Understanding Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) BIG " IDEA" In this workshop, we will address… • Why Choose Polyamory / CNM?! " (my story as relatable example of identity and choice) • What Is Polyamory & the Related Challenges? ! " (with discussion of letting go of bias to better serve) • Debunking the Common Myths" • Tools to Support Polyamorous Folks! " (families and individuals) The “WHY”" Why Choose Polyamory? Cheater! Liar!" (guilt, shame, hurt) " The Harsh! Truth 40–50%" of marriages end ! in divorce" (http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce)" The Harsh! Truth 35%" cite infidelity! as a major factor" (http://1bvmt2fj8n8p16bfasnyf1bt.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/! Reasons-for-Divorce.Hawkins_Willoughby__Doherty_JDR_2012.pdf)" The Hypocritical! Truth when asked" 90%" say infidelity is WRONG" (http://www.divorcestatistics.info/latest-infidelity-statistics-of-usa.html)" The Hypocritical Truth! 65-75%" say they would have an affair if they knew they would not get caught" (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-crosby/an-affair- to-remember_b_7865086.html)" SHAME" conflict/lying" GUILT" confusion" STRESS!" MY GREAT CONUNDRUM" " Don’t lie, don’t cheat. What do you do? By Janet Hardy" & Dossie Easton #1: Love is Not Finite. #2: Sex is Fun and Pleasure is Good for You! Each moment ! describes who you are, and gives you the opportunity to decide ! if that’s who ! you want to be. The “WHAT”" What Is Polyamory? Polyamory =" A form of consensual ! non-monogamy (CNM) where ! adults negotiate multiple loving relationships with honesty ! and transparency (Anapol, 2012)" Pillars of Polyamory • Love + Trust" • Honesty + Transparency" • Flexibility + Resiliency" • Negotiating Agreements" • Communication! (lots!)" Transparency & Trust Definition SOURCE: ! • Self-Understanding" Shadeen Francis, MFT (shadeenfrancis.com) – LWB podcast Ep. 68 & 69" (Hardy et al., 2017)" Benefits of Poly Relationships • Deepened Communication Skills" • Opportunities for Personal Growth" • Pressure To Be ALL Things Removed " • Expanded Sense of Family ! / Support Networks" • Chosen Kinship" (Sheff, 2013)" ORGIES" Our Poly Family (Polycule)" His Wife Son = Loving & Awesome My BF Her Hubs Hub’s GF Me Hubs We are her Godparents Amplified Concerns ! of Poly Folks • Dealing with any Jealousy" • Identity & Disclosure Challenges" • Social Fallout / Isolation" • Importance of Negotiation" • Communication Skills / ! Conflict Resolution" (Cohen, 2016)" Our level of ! effectiveness! is directly related to ! our lack of judging. Question What pre-conceived notions, biases, or assumptions might get in the way of being supportive to CNM folks?" The “What It Is Not”" Common Myths SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/new-sexual-revolution-polyamory/" MYTH TRUTH" Polyamory Polyamory gives people is based on permission honoring mutual to cheat. agreements. (Anderlini-D’Onofrio, 2010)" MYTH TRUTH" Jealousy is Polyamory is simply a feeling only for people that we all can who don’t experience and get jealous. can handle. (Veaux et al., 2014)" MYTH TRUTH" Polyamorous Mono relationships relationships are doomed end too. All to failure. relationships evolve. (Hearts, 2015)" MYTH TRUTH" All poly Poly is not a one relationships are size fits all. done the same. Different strokes for different folks. (Sheff et al., 2015)" MYTH TRUTH" Polyamory Polyamory is just for exists across all affluent white cultures, races, people. and ethnicities. (Patterson, 2016)" MYTH TRUTH" Polyamory Kids want to feel is not safe safe, cared for, for kids. with their needs met regardless of what adults do. (Sheff, 2013)" Openly ! Non-monogamous! Folks" • Have Fewer STIs • Infect Fewer Partners" … are more likely to …" • Use Condoms • Get Tested for STIs" • Discuss Sexual Health Status" (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201401/! sexually-transmitted-infections-in-polyamorous-relationships)" Safe Sex Poly Practices • Get Educated/Informed About STIs" • Develop Safe Sex Elevator Speech" • Make & Follow Safe Sex Agreements" • Create & Share Relationship Maps" • Get Tested Regularly" • Share Results & Disclose STIs" = Negotiate Acceptable Risk (Conley et al, 2013)" Among Cheaters…" Condom use for! vaginal and anal sex 27% & 35%" lower" (http://charlieglickman.com/more-proof-that-poly-isnt-cheating-sti-edition)" What About The Children? In America… • Costs of Invisibility in School Systems" • Social Fallout of “Being Out” as Poly Family" • Lack of Legal Protections (child custody disputs)" • Employment Discrimination / Defamation" Fix = Normalize These Conversations (Sheff, 2013)" Compassionate Poly Parents’ Concerns • Balancing Honesty & Privacy (Being “Out”)" • Talking about the Hard Stuff " • Age Appropriateness" • When/How to Introduce Partners" • Potentially Combining Households" (Sheff, 2013)" = Resilience & Flexibility Helping Parents ! in a Poly Household • Meet kids where they are" • Go at their own pace" • Be “ask-able” as a parent" • Normalize the conversation ! (around parents’ poly nature)" (Sheff, 2013)" The “How Tos”" Tools for Success Poly Parenting Resource" • BOOK: " The Polyamorists Next Door" – by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff • PODCAST: Susan Porter ! 2-hour Interview – Episodes 45 & 46 of L.W.B. Podcast Jealousy Concerns" • JEALOUSY SURVIVAL GUIDE:" How to feel safe, happy, and " secure in an open relationship – by Kitty Chambliss (yours truly) Recommended Books • More Than Two! – by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert • Opening Up" – by Tristan Taormino • Designer Relationships" – by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson BONUS: Digital ! Reference Materials URL for Poly Tools:! " LovingWithoutBoundaries.com/! NationalSexEd" In Conclusion • Me as a panelist with ! Polyamory Author ! and Expert, Janet Hardy! and with Dr. Ruth talking about Polyamory" You are the HEROES! of your LIFE and ! those you SERVE! = UNLIMITED POTENTIAL! Champion ! others to live ! happy and ! healthy as ! their authentic unique self. " BE" SUPERHEROES!" THANK YOU!" Questions? Website – coaching, podcast, blog, tools:" LovingWithoutBoundaries.com" Twitter: @polytalkbykitty" * Kitty Chambliss, CPC, ELI-MP *" CITATIONS" Slide 12: http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce." Slide 13: http://1bvmt2fj8n8p16bfasnyf1bt.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/! Reasons-for-Divorce.Hawkins_Willoughby__Doherty_JDR_2012.pdf." Slide 14: http://www.divorcestatistics.info/latest-infidelity-statistics-of-usa.html." Slide 15: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-crosby/an-affair-to-remember_b_7865086.html." Slide 23: Anapol, D. (2010). Polyamory in the 21st century: Love and intimacy with multiple partners. Rowman & Littlefield Publishers." Slide 24: Hardy, J & Easton, D.. (2017). The Ethical Slut. Crown Publishing Group." Slide 25: Sheff, E. (2013). The polyamorists next door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield." Slide 32: Cohen, M. T. (2016). An exploratory study of individuals in non-traditional, alternative relationships: How “open” are we?. Sexuality & Culture, 20(2), 295-315." Slide 36: Anderlini-D'Onofrio, S. (2010). Gaia and the new politics of love: Notes for a poly planet. North Atlantic Books." Slide 37: Veaux, F., Hardy, J., & Gill, T. (2014). More than two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Thorntree Press, LLC." Slide 38: Hearts, O. (2015). The Fraught Promise of Polyamory. Fraught Intimacies: Non/Monogamy in the Public Sphere, 112." Slide 39: Sheff, E., & Tesene, M. M. (2015). Consensual non-monogamies in industrialized nations. In Handbook of the Sociology of Sexualities (pp. 223-241). Springer International Publishing." Slide 40: Patterson, K. (2016). Love’s Not Colorblind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities. Thorntree Press LLC. " Slide 41: Sheff, E. (2013). The polyamorists next door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield." Slide 42: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201401/! sexually-transmitted-infections-in-polyamorous-relationships." Slide 43: Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). The fewer the merrier?: Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non$monogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13 (1), 1-30." Slide 44: http://charlieglickman.com/more-proof-that-poly-isnt-cheating-sti-edition." Slide 45: Sheff, E. (2013). The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield." Slide 46: Sheff, E. (2013). The Polyamorists Next Door : Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield." Slide 47: Sheff, E. (2013). The Polyamorists Next Door : Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield." ".
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