Polyamory In Practice
Understanding Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) BIG IDEA In this workshop, we will address…
• Why Choose Polyamory / CNM?
(my story as relatable example of identity and choice) • What Is Polyamory & the Related Challenges?
(with discussion of letting go of bias to better serve) • Debunking the Common Myths
• Tools to Support Polyamorous Folks
(families and individuals) The “WHY” Why Choose Polyamory?
Cheater! Liar! (guilt, shame, hurt)
The Harsh Truth 40–50% of marriages end in divorce
(http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce) The Harsh Truth 35% cite infidelity as a major factor
(http://1bvmt2fj8n8p16bfasnyf1bt.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/ Reasons-for-Divorce.Hawkins_Willoughby__Doherty_JDR_2012.pdf) The Hypocritical Truth when asked 90% say infidelity is WRONG
(http://www.divorcestatistics.info/latest-infidelity-statistics-of-usa.html) The Hypocritical Truth 65-75% say they would have an affair if they knew they would not get caught
(http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-crosby/an-affair- to-remember_b_7865086.html) SHAME conflict/lying GUILT confusion STRESS!
MY GREAT CONUNDRUM
Don’t lie, don’t cheat. What do you do? By Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton
#1: Love is Not Finite.
#2: Sex is Fun and Pleasure is Good for You! Each moment describes who you are, and gives you the opportunity to decide if that’s who you want to be. The “WHAT”
What Is Polyamory? Polyamory = A form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) where adults negotiate multiple loving relationships with honesty and transparency
(Anapol, 2012) Pillars of Polyamory
• Love + Trust • Honesty + Transparency • Flexibility + Resiliency • Negotiating Agreements • Communication! (lots!) Transparency & Trust Definition SOURCE: • Self-Understanding Shadeen Francis, MFT (shadeenfrancis.com) – LWB podcast Ep. 68 & 69
(Hardy et al., 2017) Benefits of Poly Relationships
• Deepened Communication Skills • Opportunities for Personal Growth • Pressure To Be ALL Things Removed • Expanded Sense of Family / Support Networks • Chosen Kinship
(Sheff, 2013)
ORGIES
Our Poly Family (Polycule)
His Wife
Son = Loving & Awesome
My BF Her Hubs Hub’s GF
Me Hubs
We are her Godparents
Amplified Concerns of Poly Folks
• Dealing with any Jealousy • Identity & Disclosure Challenges • Social Fallout / Isolation • Importance of Negotiation • Communication Skills / Conflict Resolution
(Cohen, 2016) Our level of effectiveness is directly related to our lack of judging. Question What pre-conceived notions, biases, or assumptions might get in the way of being supportive to CNM folks? The “What It Is Not” Common Myths
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/new-sexual-revolution-polyamory/ MYTH TRUTH
Polyamory Polyamory gives people is based on permission honoring mutual to cheat. agreements.
(Anderlini-D’Onofrio, 2010) MYTH TRUTH
Jealousy is Polyamory is simply a feeling only for people that we all can who don’t experience and get jealous. can handle.
(Veaux et al., 2014) MYTH TRUTH
Polyamorous Mono relationships relationships are doomed end too. All to failure. relationships evolve. (Hearts, 2015) MYTH TRUTH
All poly Poly is not a one relationships are size fits all. done the same. Different strokes for different folks. (Sheff et al., 2015) MYTH TRUTH
Polyamory Polyamory is just for exists across all affluent white cultures, races, people. and ethnicities.
(Patterson, 2016) MYTH TRUTH
Polyamory Kids want to feel is not safe safe, cared for, for kids. with their needs met regardless of what adults do. (Sheff, 2013) Openly Non-monogamous Folks • Have Fewer STIs • Infect Fewer Partners … are more likely to … • Use Condoms • Get Tested for STIs • Discuss Sexual Health Status
(http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201401/ sexually-transmitted-infections-in-polyamorous-relationships) Safe Sex Poly Practices
• Get Educated/Informed About STIs • Develop Safe Sex Elevator Speech • Make & Follow Safe Sex Agreements • Create & Share Relationship Maps • Get Tested Regularly • Share Results & Disclose STIs
= Negotiate Acceptable Risk
(Conley et al, 2013) Among Cheaters… Condom use for vaginal and anal sex 27% & 35% lower
(http://charlieglickman.com/more-proof-that-poly-isnt-cheating-sti-edition) What About The Children? In America…
• Costs of Invisibility in School Systems • Social Fallout of “Being Out” as Poly Family • Lack of Legal Protections (child custody disputs) • Employment Discrimination / Defamation
Fix = Normalize These Conversations
(Sheff, 2013) Compassionate Poly Parents’ Concerns
• Balancing Honesty & Privacy (Being “Out”) • Talking about the Hard Stuff • Age Appropriateness • When/How to Introduce Partners • Potentially Combining Households
(Sheff, 2013) = Resilience & Flexibility Helping Parents in a Poly Household
• Meet kids where they are • Go at their own pace • Be “ask-able” as a parent • Normalize the conversation (around parents’ poly nature)
(Sheff, 2013) The “How Tos” Tools for Success Poly Parenting Resource
• BOOK: The Polyamorists Next Door – by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff
• PODCAST: Susan Porter 2-hour Interview
– Episodes 45 & 46 of L.W.B. Podcast Jealousy Concerns
• JEALOUSY SURVIVAL GUIDE: How to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship
– by Kitty Chambliss (yours truly) Recommended Books
• More Than Two – by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert • Opening Up – by Tristan Taormino • Designer Relationships – by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
BONUS: Digital Reference Materials URL for Poly Tools:
LovingWithoutBoundaries.com/ NationalSexEd In Conclusion • Me as a panelist with Polyamory Author and Expert, Janet Hardy and with Dr. Ruth talking about Polyamory
You are the HEROES of your LIFE and those you SERVE!
= UNLIMITED POTENTIAL!
Champion others to live happy and healthy as their authentic unique self.
BE SUPERHEROES! THANK YOU! Questions? Website – coaching, podcast, blog, tools: LovingWithoutBoundaries.com Twitter: @polytalkbykitty
* Kitty Chambliss, CPC, ELI-MP *
CITATIONS
Slide 12: http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce. Slide 13: http://1bvmt2fj8n8p16bfasnyf1bt.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/ Reasons-for-Divorce.Hawkins_Willoughby__Doherty_JDR_2012.pdf. Slide 14: http://www.divorcestatistics.info/latest-infidelity-statistics-of-usa.html. Slide 15: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-crosby/an-affair-to-remember_b_7865086.html. Slide 23: Anapol, D. (2010). Polyamory in the 21st century: Love and intimacy with multiple partners. Rowman & Littlefield Publishers. Slide 24: Hardy, J & Easton, D.. (2017). The Ethical Slut. Crown Publishing Group. Slide 25: Sheff, E. (2013). The polyamorists next door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield. Slide 32: Cohen, M. T. (2016). An exploratory study of individuals in non-traditional, alternative relationships: How “open” are we?. Sexuality & Culture, 20(2), 295-315. Slide 36: Anderlini-D'Onofrio, S. (2010). Gaia and the new politics of love: Notes for a poly planet. North Atlantic Books. Slide 37: Veaux, F., Hardy, J., & Gill, T. (2014). More than two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Thorntree Press, LLC. Slide 38: Hearts, O. (2015). The Fraught Promise of Polyamory. Fraught Intimacies: Non/Monogamy in the Public Sphere, 112. Slide 39: Sheff, E., & Tesene, M. M. (2015). Consensual non-monogamies in industrialized nations. In Handbook of the Sociology of Sexualities (pp. 223-241). Springer International Publishing. Slide 40: Patterson, K. (2016). Love’s Not Colorblind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities. Thorntree Press LLC. Slide 41: Sheff, E. (2013). The polyamorists next door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield. Slide 42: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201401/ sexually-transmitted-infections-in-polyamorous-relationships. Slide 43: Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). The fewer the merrier?: Assessing stigma surrounding consensually non‐monogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13 (1), 1-30. Slide 44: http://charlieglickman.com/more-proof-that-poly-isnt-cheating-sti-edition. Slide 45: Sheff, E. (2013). The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield. Slide 46: Sheff, E. (2013). The Polyamorists Next Door : Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield. Slide 47: Sheff, E. (2013). The Polyamorists Next Door : Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman & Littlefield.