0 e 1 su Is Wednesday, February 1, 2006 BOING! I, V l. o V The Slan

w

w

w . t t h e s la n t .n et

Surviving without a SuDoku Rand Eighties puzzle . . . since 1886 INSIDETHISISSUE Night: An Evening Palestinians Elect Legislators, Suicide Bombers Of Romance Pretentious Youth Grows Up To Be Tentious Old Man

4 Out Of 5 Pompous British Lords Find Slant "Not Funny, Never Funny"

HONOR COUNCIL 6Busting Up Crime Rings HISTORY 8Like Putty DAIRY 9Matt DeVries's Thoughts Other News 2

Fucked Image 4

Bastard Confession 10 Around The Loop 11 Horoscopes 11 Top Ten List 12 Waste of Space 12 The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University The Slan 2 t OTHERNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - February 1, 2006

Students Displeased With picture of him downing a full case of beer said, “For Administrative Decision through an abnormally large beer bong. years, people “Well, of course we’re all disappointed in Surrounding Swizlack in the photo are three have debated the cuts that have been made,” claims head prostitutes and a kilo of cocaine. Facebook. whether The coach Tim McClements. “I get the sense com commented, “We are trying to main- Godfather that almost every student here has been at tain an image here. We don’t want our site Part II was least somewhat affected by the rash decision associated with people that engage in shady better than making by the people at the top. Arguably, behavior. . . that’s what Friendster is for.” the original. though, their actions have some legal ratio- But this is nale behind them.” “They took away a cen- Mike Matthews II Loses Mousetrap, a clear-cut tral part of our lives,” says one of the players. Admits To Having ‘No Game’ case: Deuce “Exactly what are we supposed to do, now Noted Hustler journalistjournalist MikeMike MatthewsMatthews Bigalow: that these restrictions are in place? There lost his copy of Mousetrap last weekend, European just aren’t too many alternatives.” Earlier this a tragic blow to the senior. Distraught, Gigolo isis bet-bet- week, Gee defended his position, nothing Matthews pined for his lost game in his ter than either that other schools have made similar deci- latest article. “I used to be so enthusiastic Godfather film.”film.” FrancisFrancis FordFord CoppolaCoppola waswas sions before. “They’ll learn to live without about the game; sometime I would ‘prema- not available for comment. a few luxuries,” he says. “It’s just something turely’ set the trap off, finding my mouse 400 they’ll have to get used to; I understand that trapped inside with nothing but a piece of Mass Soccer Player Grave Found these transitions can be difficult, but a few cheese, staring longingly at the female mice Under Alumni Lawn years from now, this probably won’t even be dancing outside the game. Shit, I really have Number Surveyors planning for the Rites of an issue.” Unfortunately for the administra- ‘no game.’” Matthews will buy another ver- of soror- Spring concert uncovered a shocking tion, it happens to be an issue right now— sion of Mousetrap soon, hoping that the ity hopefuls archaeological find beneath the surface and a rather large one. Many students have childish Rube Goldberg device will finally currently of Alumni Lawn: the ancient remains of on the 3rd expressed their disagreement and anger give him the resolve to proposition females stage of numerous Vanderbilt soccer players. All with letters and petitions; despite their without them running in terror.. grief. specimens were males, and preliminary car- demands, however, the school seems fairly bon dating has traced the fossils to period adamant about its blocking of peer-to-peer Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo between 1973 and 2006. Frank Archer, the file sharing, and the bandwidth limitations Sweeps Oscar Nominations surveyor who made the initial discovery, on BitTorrent, seemingly, are here for good. The Rob Schneider vehicle Deuce said, “While we setting up our equipment, Bigalow: European Gigolo earnedearned a record-record- I found what looked like a piece of bone in Alito’s Wife Glad He Wasn’t Justice breaking fifteen Academy Award nomina- the mud. Also, there was a large tombstone 15 Years Ago tions. The film swept major categories, that said ‘R.I.P. Vanderbilt Men’s Soccer.’” “It was a difficult including Best Picture, Best Direction, Best Anthropology professor Francisco Estrada- time in my relation- Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Belli is still translating the tombstone’s ship with Sammy,” Screenplay, and Best Original Score. cryptic message, although it seems to hint said Mrs. Alito. The Expected frontrunner Brokeback Mountain that the site is a mass grave of drowning vic- couple had recently earned a paltry one nomination for Best tims. “We suspect the women ritualistically moved to suburban Sound Editing, a technical award that drowned the men in a religious ceremony Philadelphia, after nobody cares about. When informed of the known as ‘Title IX,’” said Dr. Estrada-Belli. The Slan Justice Alito was good news, Bigalow directordirector MikeMike BigelowBigelow t appointed to the fed- eral appeals court, and thought their The Slan WEATHER family size was set. “I t always wanted to have more kids, but we had such difficulty con- New Orleans No Longer Fears Hand Of God ceiving. And Sam’s never been one to use a condom. We’ve always been a ‘pull and pray’ New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin recently clarified his comments refer- family,” said Mrs. Alito. “I was shocked when ring to his municipality as a “chocolate city, by the will of God” after many I found I was pregnant again. I thought I citizens complained of his insensitivity and poor choice of words. One was too old. displaced citizen remarked, “Nagin needs to be a uniter, not a divider, and even the mention of the Lord’s name is enough to send us evacuating Facebook.com Executive Fired For again.” When reached for comment, Nagin stated: “Though our city has Posting Image Of Self Drinking Beer recently learned to cringe under the threat of Divine Intervention, I was On Facebook merely attempting to segue into the subject of this week’s upcoming press Facebook.com announced that they were conference: rebuilding. When our chocolate city is forged again, we will firing top executive Ted Swizlack upon no longer need fear the hand of God, as we will be protected by a colorful discovery of his facebook profile. In his sugar coating.” Concerns that the city would still melt in His mouth, if not The Slan profile, Swizlack has prominently posted a in His hand, have yet to be addressed. t . . . not in Your hand. MASTHEAD

The Slan 02.01.2006 t Vanderbilt’s favorite insurgency CONTENTSCONTENTS . . . since 1886. 3 188 Madison Sarratt Student Center 2301 Vanderbilt Place VU# 351669 Station B FACE OF FEAR SPACE NEWS Nashville, TN 37235 Phone (615)322-3291 OTHER NEWS: 2 Fax (615)-343-2756 Weather ...... website www.theslant.net HONOR COUNCIL: 5 It's like the 1920s in here...... STAFF Editor-in-Chief Ceaf Lewis COLUMNS & HUMOR Managing Editor Andrew Collazzi Head Writer Richard Green HISTORY: 8 Editors Evan Alston Quite malleable ...... Thomas Broderick Tim Boyd Robert Saunders VACATIONS: ...... 9 Not worth it Technical Advisor Michael Nutt CHEESE: And patriotica ...... 9 Standards & Professionalism Alex Chrisope Distribution Manager Patrick Gentry INTERVIEW: with Adrien Brody ...... 11 Staff Manager Rachel Unger Copy Editors Reeve Hamilton AROUND THE LOOP: Clobberin' time for Iran ...... 11 Matt Kelley Heather Miliman Contributing Writers Chris Bellande HOROSCOPES: Indeed ...... 11 Jason Blatt Eli Branson Thomas Broderick Greg Champoux Bridget Cornett Amelia Cousins SLANT FEATURES Matt DeVries Charlie Fu Bobby Gambrel Joe Hills CARTOON: Hell yeah! ...... 4 Andy Hogan Sean Hymowitz Ben Karp Aj Khandaker Colin Rymer Chris Skene BASTARD CONFESSION: ...... 10 Soccer, LOL Kris Stensland Sean Tierney Alumni Contributors WASTE OF SPACE: In Memoriam ...... 12 Andrew Banecker Jacob Grier Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead Editors Emeritus TOP TEN: ...... 12 This guy actually looks like this. And not just on America is going to shit Joe Wong Mike Mott Halloween, either. David Barzelay Meredith Gray Colin Dinsmore

POLICIES Back Issues Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a description of the issue desired (volume number and date, if possible) to the address above. Some issues are no longer available. For a back issue please e-mail [email protected]. Subscriptions Corrections: Mail subscriptions available. $30.00/year or $20.00/ semester. E-mail [email protected]. The Slan The last issue of The Slant asserted that Postmaster please send address changes to 2301 Vanderbilt Place, VU# 351669, Nashville, TN 37235- there was a boy who had two gay fathers who was 1669. immune to "your mom" jokes. Unfortunately, we have recently discovered that this child actually DISCLAIMERS receives twice as many "your mom" jokes than a This publication is a work of humor, parody and satire. None of the subjects or writers are intended normal person. We apologize for the error, and to represent real people, unless those people are in the future we will try to avoid . . . your mom. public figures. You must be over 18 to read The Slant. This publication and the content thereof does not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student Communications, Inc. Each member of the Vanderbilt community is entitled to one copy of this publication; additional copies are five dollars each. If The Slant t offends you, do not read it. Support our advertisers. Copyright © 2005, The Slant. All rights reserved

IN VANUM LABORAT QUI OMNIBUS PLACERE CONTENDIT 4 SLANTFEATURES The Slant - www.theslant.net - February 1, 2006

FROM THE EDITOR

Note: There’s a bit of a tradition on The Slant that every year the second-in- command gets to write one “From the Editor” column. This year, that second-in- command happens to be Andrew Collazzi. However, my years of toil and drudg- ery for this esteemed pub- CEAF LEWIS lication have embittered me, grinding my once-bright spirit into the dust, and now my only joy when work- ing on the paper while everyone else is out partying is raising his hopes and then dashing them. Like I’m doing now. Consider your hopes dashed for this week, AndyCoz. Ah, promotion time, the greatest time of the year! The most important promotion, of course, is that of Andrew Collazzi to Managing Editor. So, if Fucked Image you notice this publication taking a drastically right- We found this image by searching wing turn in the near future, it’s probably his fault. Also, it is likely that there will be more Internet hor- "crush the opposition" on Google. . . rors around here, like lemonparty.org, tubgirl.com, and goatse.ca*. In addition, esteemed writers Evan Alston and Thomas Broderick have each attained the lofty posi- tion of Editor. Actually, “Editor” is a poor choice of title; they’re more like “Indentured Servants.” What that means is, now that I’ve paid for their passages Hangin' With Mr. Hooper from the Old World to the rich colony of Virginia, by Daniel Hooper they can harvest delicious tobacco for me until their debts are paid. Then I can make my world famous Episode 1: Nicotine Stew. At The Google Press Conference Noted Slant ne’er-do-well Alex Chrisope is now Head of Standards and Professionalism. You know how every so often (read: every year) there’s some sort of Slant cataclysm? Well, his job is to keep the heavens from crashing down upon us by shouldering the vault of the sky and guarding the tree with the golden apples and such for all eternity. Or until Fall 2006, whichever comes first. Meanwhile, Reeve Hamilton is currently embroiled in hearings to determine if he’s accept- able for the position of Copy Editor. It looks like the opposition party won’t have the stomach to filibuster, but one can never be sure. Of course, they do keep unearthing memos from his previous jobs which place him somewhere to the left of Chairman Mao. Still, I retain complete confidence in his ability to spare us from the typos which plague a certain lesser publication. At any rate, that wraps up the news I have for this installment of my column. Come back next week for iron-clad proof that The Vanderbilt Hustler’s opinion section is a front for Mafia activity. The Slan *Note: don’t visit these sites.. t February 1, 2006 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTCRIME 5

Honor Council Crackdown Reveals Network Of Campus ‘Cheateasys’

BY TIM BOYD In the report he presented to the visitors would mention, and then University is so proudly associated.” Chancellor, which was also made surreptitiously slip them the paper, The Honor Code that now applies In response to suggestions made public, O’Ness gave details of how test answers or unaccredited refer- at Vanderbilt was initially adopted by students in last week’s Hustler the Honor Code was being flaunted. ences they would need to turn in in 1918, after years of hectoring by that neither Vanderbilt Professors The most common form in which high-standard work. In exchange, his self-righteous moral reformers that nor the Honor Council itself take this was done was in what students or her grateful clients would provide despite masses of historical evidence violations of the Honor Code seri- looking for a way to artificially information about changes being to the contrary, dishonesty was a ously enough, a series of raids took boost their grades referred to as a made to the tests or new require- fundamentally un-American charac- place this past weekend in class- “Cheateasy.” These were often regu- ments in each semester’s courses. teristic. Accordingly, the Vanderbilt rooms, dorms and administration adopted a regu- Greek houses across lation outlawing the “manufac- campus designed to ture, sale or transportation of clamp down on sus- plagiarized materials” on the pected cheating. The University’s property. Since levels of academic fraud then, the Honor Code has been that were exposed in extended to cover a lengthy the raids have now led declaration of principles which to several calls for the all freshmen now sign without administration to take having read. action. In the 1920s, as the good Often operating times began to roll and on the basis of short- Vanderbilt’s students began notice tip-offs from to enjoy their football team’s anonymous students, unquestioned dominance of the the Chancellor’s per- SEC, enforcement of the Code sonal investigative staff became lax. Since then, despite (popularly known as periodic attempts to stay true “Gee’s-men,” or “G- to the core ideas of honesty men” for short) uncov- and academic integrity that the ered dozens of loca- code encompasses, it has often tions on campus where been little more than a “dead Honor Code violations letter law.” were occurring with Life in a "cheateasy" With the media exposure little effort to conceal resulting from these latest them. lar rooms in which people would WithWith RA’sRA’s and TA’sTA’s beingbeing paidpaid raids, however, Kirkland Hall is Said senior G-man Eddie O’Ness, gather for what was euphemistically handsomehandsome kickbackskickbacks toto turnturn a blind coming under increasing pressure “The things we uncovered were just referred to as “course selection.” eyeeye toto this,this, thethe ringleadersringleaders of thethe to make its students live up to the appalling. Cribbed lecture notes, Students would gather over cups cheaterscheaters werewere ableable toto actact almostalmost withwith rules.rules. Accordingly,Accordingly, ChancellorChancellor GeeGee papers lifted off the internet, quizzes of coffee and ostensibly read over impunity.impunity. SeveralSeveral G-men reportedreported hashas promisedpromised toto promisepromise swiftswift and being done by friends – and all going the course catalogue for the cur- instancesinstances ofThe a studentstudent walkingwalking intointo decisivedecisive action.action. SlanAsAs yet,yet, thethe adminis-adminis- on in plain view, as if it was perfectly rent semester. While to an innocent an examexam withwith an alreadyalready completedcompleted trationtration hashas not revealedrevealed thethe detailsdetails of acceptable. The contempt for integ- bystander the conversation would blue bookbook and turningturning it in toto thethe itsits plansplans toto combatcombat thethe cheating,cheating, but rity and proper citation techniques sound like a series of comparisons ProfessorProfessor afterafter spendingspending only a fewfew sourcessources closeclose toto thethe ChancellorChancellor sug- that we discovered shows that these between the merits of various profes- minutes in the room. In his press gestgest thatthat he feelsfeels thethe problemsproblems couldcould frauds are rotten to the core. I tell sors and courses, in actual fact the conference, O’Ness described what bebe solvedsolved by cuttingcutting a fewfew moremore you, I want to hurt these cheats, you discussion was being carried on in had been found as “a systematic sportssports teamsteams and acceleratingaccelerating thethe The Slan hear me? I want to take the fight to code. The operator of the Cheateasy undermining of the principles of move to residential colleges. t them and I want to hurt them.” would listen for which course his the Honor Code with which this

8 SLANTIVORYTOWERS The Slant - www.theslant.net - February 1, 2006

An Open Letter From A History Professor

I don’t see how anyone would not in it). No matter the reason, it sure seeds in their student’s minds over grieving period. The biography will want to become a history profes- doesn’t stop them from bitching the last forty years. To reach those be released, and you can hold me to sor. It’s the most legitimate excuse about it on Fox News. Besides, it’s too unfortunate to go to college, this, while his body is still warm. to use the ‘Dr.’ prefix on one’s name difficult to write a biography prais- messages were implanted into PBS Go ahead, Mr. President, blabber other than suffering through med ing President Reagan’s ending of the children’s shows and the CBS evening on all you want about the evils of school. Forget that teaching crap Cold War while conveniently for- news. Every American, even you, is revisionist history. The joke is that that you may be assuming the job getting the following: the failure of wired to become a full fledged beret you don’t need it; the best liberal entails; it’s the “research” that counts. trickle down economics, his hatred of wearing intellectual at the release of think tank couldn’t come up with With some fancy words and a few the handicapped, people with AIDS, the code word. And once it is done, the crap you’ve pulled. Instead, I will paraphrased quotes, anyone with a midgets, and his own wife. American flags will be burnt and make your life so irrelevant that the powerful enough agenda can have That brings me to my next point: Republican president’s graves pissed closest any college student will come the whole of American college stu- it doesn’t matter what any historian on (Reagan’s by at least 30,000 midg- to your memoirs will be when a dents believing that Jesus sold fake writes because the American public ets); a true utopia among men. sorority girl bites the leather spine to Rolex watches in New York City. But is too goddamn lazy and gullible to Unfortunately, my interests do muffle her cries of passion as she has I digress; I’m not yet willing to add look at, let alone follow up on, the not lie in American history and the sex with her boyfriend in the library fiction to what was fiction already. endnotes and bibliography of any goal of destroying American val- stacks. Teeth marks, not bookmarks, As you may have already guessed non-fiction book. It’s like shooting ues. I will be spending the majority will be the only definition of your from the blatant Jesus bashing, I am a fish in a barrel. If I claim (which I am of my life convincing the Japanese historical relevance in years to come. card carrying member of the Liberal doing right now) that the Pope snorts that they were ‘right on’ in bombing There may not be fate, gentle Elite: Academia Unit. I was indoc- crack while masturbating, do you Pearl Harbor. Being as lazy as their reader, but there is a certain god-like trinated during High School: The think that a bagboy at Kroger will American counterparts and twice as power in turning the purpose some- International Baccalaureate Diploma rally his minimum wage coworkers gullible, they will easily fall under my one’s existence into nothing more Program. I came out of my second- with the cry of “To the library, men!” control to eventually allow my plan than a substitute ball gag. And if ary education with the UNESCO to prove me wrong through research? to come to fruition. No matter, thou- anyone should strike me down, thou- seal of approval, a certified agent of When hell freezes over, ladies and sands of my colleagues have been at sands of my kind will eagerly step up the United Nations. My reformatted gentlemen. And the thing about work for some time editing American to finish my work. Check and Mate. brain (I use computer terminology Reagan hating midgets; was I lying? history towards the goal of eradicat- Finally, I hope everyone whose because humans don’t have souls, if Maybe. It’s not like you would ever ing Christianity, apple pie, etc. been reading along is having a nice you don’t already know) was ready stay sober long enough to check me. Don’t worry though; my hand day; I’m already planning out how to spread socialist ideology into the You see, this is just part of a much will not stay out of American history you’ll remember it tomorrow. minds of the gullible youth. larger scheme to destroy conserva- completely. I already have a biogra- Now, you may be wondering why tism in America. From what I have phy of our President in the works -Thomas Broderick The Slan conservatives don’t challenge liberal learned from my colleagues of our to be released upon his death. I’m (Ph.D Niihama University) t dominance of the nation’s history Master Plan, professors all over the not talking about a month after his departments (hint: there’s no money country have planted the liberal funeral; there will be no respectful Man, Al Gore's A Nerd by RICHARD GREEN bian daughter to go after. That would Gore needs to realize that “facts” are nerds like Al Gore! No wonder he is Infuriated Jock Columnist really turn me against global warming useless. Take for example, the “facts” against global warming. He probably more than Gore’s figures. about evolution. It was a believed “fact” just feels inadequate about taking his Recently, Al Gore gave a speech at Gore tells this myth of global warm- that was eventually wrong. Only nerds shirt off to go swimming. He would Vanderbilt talking about global warm- ing just like a real nerd. Most myths I try to get the “facts.”Real people try rather people not spend their time with ing. Typically after speeches, I come have heard people tell are much more to appeal to feelings. The problem for warm weather but playing games on away with greater respect for the exciting. For example, the myths about Gore is that it does not “feel” like it is the nerdy Internet he created. speaker, but Al Gore, with his table the giant dog that turned out to be a getting warmer at all, thus, he has no In response to Al Gore’s nerdiness, after table of boring crap just made me rat, the crocodiles in the sewer, and the case for global warming. we should treat him as we treat other realize, this guy’s a huge nerd. story of Bigfoot are entertaining stories. Even if global warming were to nerds. We need a few bullies to put Of all the political figures trying to Maybe it would have been more enter- be true, that would be a good thing. him in his place. Maybe someone could get their point across, he by far does taining if Gore said global warming is Most people like warm weather. That give him a swirly in the North Atlantic the nerdiest job. Nobody wants to see caused by people passing gas too much is why so many students go to Florida Current before it breaks down as he charts and research and all that other or giant rockets pushing earth closer or Mexico for Spring Break and visit claims it will. Or better yet, someone nerdy stuff. That just confuses people. to the sun, not just increased carbon the beach or swim in pools. But do you should pull his gym shorts down; that He should have stressed global warm- dioxide emissions leading to increased know which type of people does not should cool him off about this global The Slan ing’s relative inaction during Vietnam, temperatures of about .7-2.6 degrees go to the beach for Spring Break and warming nonsense. t and I am sure global warming has a les- per fifty years. apparently hate warm weather? Nerds, February 1, 2006 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTCOLUMNS 9 My Recent Vacation To Un-American Cheese Marvin Gardens Was You'll Never TTasteaste Anything Edible Rather Lackluster Again

by CEAF LEWIS Place and collected no less than two By MATT DeVRIES it’d probably be more humane to call Columnist hundred dollars (an ATM malfunc- Columnist it Canadian cheese and send it all to tioned on my way there). It’s true that Canada. We wouldn’t have to ruin Recently I’ve been rather stressed I had to spend most of that money to We all know that America is fac- Japanese food that way (have you out due to my high-responsibility rent a car, but I did luck out and find ing more problems today than at any ever even heard of Canadian food?) lifestyle; being a titan of the media some free parking; that’s rare enough other time in history, and foremost and when the Canadians eat it it’ll is not quite as fun as it would seem. in any city, especially one as ritzy as among them is so-called “American be frozen so they’ll be spared the Before things got out of hand, I this one. cheese”. We’re all familiar with its gooeyness and most of the artificial decided it would be a good idea to After that, I won second place in a individually-wrapped, pre-processed flavoring. take a vacation, to clear my head beauty contest, taking home ten dol- evils. We’ve all experienced the hor- Once we’ve sent all the Canadian and return to Vanderbilt refreshed lars for my trouble (I suspect it was a ror of biting into an already unappe- cheese to Canada, we’ll have to go and ready to dominate college media scam as I do not recall entering any tizing ham sandwich at some stupid about choosing a real national cheese once more. contest; still, the money spent fine). picnic and finding the terrible, gooey in order to restore American pride. Since it is as of yet too cold to Matters swiftly took a turn for the yellow stuff stuck to the cheap imita- It’ll have to be something that repre- truly enjoy a trip to the beach, I worse, however. tion of bread that’s stuck to the roof sents everything America stands for decided that I would visit scenic “But Ceaf,” you might say, “how of your mouth. Its putrid taste claws starting with bravery, stupidity, and Marvin Gardens; I’d heard good could your vacation be terrible? First at your soul, making you think you’ll money. To make the process easier, things about it and I decided it would class accomodations and placing in a never taste anything edible again. we’ll just choose the best cheese be a fine destination for a midwinter beauty contest? That sounds terrific!” Or at least it makes you wish for real there is, as that is logically the only trip. I packed my top hat, my iron, Go to hell. The beauty contest was food. And to add insult to a grievous choice that would fit our country. I’m my trusty thimble, and my old shoe, humiliating (damn swimsuit compe- injury, this processed cheese product partial to Pepper Jack, but it sounds hopped into my roadster, collected titions) and the very next day I was is labeled as “American” cheese; this like Monterrey Jack, and both “pep- my salary, and was on my way. hurled into jail simply for entering is quite possibly the most slander- per” and “Monterrey” remind me Unfortunately, the road to Marvin the wrong area of town. Apparently ous insult ever uttered against our of Mexico, and we’re trying to find Gardens was positively fraught with I was suspected of murder or some- glorious nation. If only we knew the a cheese for ourselves, not for our peril. I ate some bad shellfish at a thing. Thankfully, I was owed a favor whereabouts of the tree-hugging, neighbors to the south, you know roadside diner, a poor choice which by a prominent attorney and I still Nazi, devil-worshipping, freedom- which ones; the ones who keep mow- resulted in a $50 doctor’s fee. The carried his card in my wallet. So what hating, Communist cheese-terrorist ing the lawn for next to nothing until trip was off to an inauspicious start might have turned into a permanent responsible, we could blast his coun- we call the police on them because indeed. incarceration became a mere visit. try off the face of our planet. But we’re still bitter about that grade I was feeling too sick to drive by Still, it set me back quite a few days we don’t, so we’ll just have be a bit in high school Spanish. Yep, bingo, this point, so I ended up taking the and I was unable to withdraw from more innovative in dealing with this those people. B&O Railroad into town. Of course, the bank any additional funds from national crisis. Not to fear, America; I Oh, sorry, we were on cheese, I was forced to buy a ticket at the my cell. have an infallible plan. weren’t we. Being that there’s no red, last minute for double its original At any rate, by the time I left the The first step is to rename the vile white, and blue cheese and since I value, but such is life, I suppose. At prison I only had a few days’ worth substance. If we do it right, we can can’t figure out which cheese is my any rate, I began to feel better as I of money left, plus I had missed sweep this foul cheese under the rug favorite, I suggest we choose the entered town, hailed a taxi, and rode quite a few sessions of HIST 297, so without any snooty UN watchdog cheese that we as a nation already past the stately homes of Atlantic I bid good-bye and good riddance to group noticing. That is why I propose own: the Moon. It’s already ours and, Avenue and neighboring Ventnor the area, taking the next train of the that we dispose of this vile cheese as proven by Wallace and Gromit Avenue. A few minutes later, the Reading Railroad out and away. Of in another country; after all, they’ve (Wallace, et al, 1990), it’s made cab pulled up in front of my hotel. I course, when I returned to Nashville, had it coming, all of them. But how entirely of a unique and utterly delec- had vowed not to be stingy as far as I found out that, in my absence, not should we rename this cheese for its table type of cheese. This way, when this trip was concerned; after all, my only had I been charged a sizeable new home? We could call it Japanese the Canadians are eating their new health is more valuable than mere luxury tax, but I also had been voted cheese; that’d serve them right for cheese and shivering, they can look money. And stingy I could not be; I Chairman of the Board and now sending us all those cheap, reliable up in the sky and see what makes The Slan ended up paying $1200 for my room owed my former competitors fifty cars while making our autoworkers America the best. Cheese. t and board when all was said and dollars each. Bastards. slaves to their Emperor. Then again, done. In conclusion, I hate Marvin The next day I decided I would see Gardens. Next year, I'm definitely The Slan the sights. I advanced to St. Charles staying on Pennsylvania Avenue. t http://www.theslant.net 10 SLANTINTERVIEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - February 1, 2006 A Moment With . . . Adrien Brody!

BY EVAN ALSTON Pianist! Kisser of Halle Berry! Muse of Good, good. TS: Mr. Brody, please stop bounc- The Slant waswas pleasedpleased toto havehave thethe Peter Jackson! What’s it like to be tall? TS: You’re really tall. ing. opportunity early last week to sit down AB: The Pianist waswas an importantimportant AB: That was Peter Jackson’s son. I AB: I wave my insect leg like this!! with Oscar winner Adrien Brody, star movie. help him with his homework, he helps TS: You’ve knocked over your cof- of this year’s smash hit King Kong, TS: We didn’t see that; was it any me out. I love him as if he were my fee! the timeless story of man, on a quest good? own son. AB: I’m sorry. Adrien will stop to find a giant ape, only to find much AB: It got TS: He hung out a bouncing now. more than he bargained for (as well me a kiss from lot on the set of King TS: It’s fine . . . hey, where’d your as a giant ape). And, as if starring in Halle Berry, so Kong? leg go? King Kong wasn’twasn’t enoughenough forfor one it must have AB: No. AB: . . . year, he also secured a leading role in been pretty TS: I’m confused. TS: Adrien? You okay? “King Kong: The Video Game,” which, good! He-he- AB: It’s just some AB: . . . according to early reports, is an awe- he! kid. I don’t think Peter TS: Adrien, we’re gonna get your some, awesome game. When we talked TS: You’re Jackson even has kids. leg back, okay? You okay? to him, Adrien was just coming off the repulsive. I just have so much AB: . . . I need to stir my coffee. set of his new feature, Untitled Adrien AB: Do you wisdom to impart, you TS: We know, Adrien. It’ll turn up Brody Project. HeHe waswas tiredtired fromfrom a fullfull have cream or see. I have to seek out somewhere. day of filming and wasn’t especially sugar here? the young ones so that AB: Chris Martin took my leg. eager to be interviewed, but we were TS: You’re I can make my mark TS: Adrien, we’re sure Chris so thrilled at seeing his Oscar-winning going to hold on a new generation. wouldn’t take your leg. nose, we would have forgiven him for that leg the TS: Kids are cute. AB: Chris Martin always wanted anything. whole time, AB: Very. my leg, as soon as he saw it. He want- ADRIEN BRODY: I am an impor- aren’t you? TS: You need some- ed to make it part of his show. He was tant person. AB: Don’t thing to stir your cof- going to have the Blue Man Group act THE SLANT: Why are you holding worry about it, fee. I think we have out Macbeth duringduring SpeedSpeed of Sound.Sound. that stick? the Nasonex is some stirrers around The leg was going to be Banquo . . . AB: It’s the leg of a gargantuan a good sweet- here somewhere . . . TS: . . . Jerry, how much Nasonex insect from the set of King Kong, and ener. AB: A person?? did he put in that coffee? I refuse to put it down. I killed this TS: I’m Hired and trained spe- AB: I want to bounce. insect myself and it means a lot to me bored. Do you know anyone else I cifically to stir my coffee? TS: Jerry, can you get The as an actor. And as a man. could interview? TS: . . . those little straws. Brodemeister a Pepsi? TS: That’s understandable. AB: Hold on a second; I’m getting a AB: Oh. That’s all right. I’ve got the AB: DIET COKE!! AB: Do you have coffee? I want cof- call. Hello? What?? No, no, you can’t. leg. And then Mr. Brody went into some fee. And Nasonex. Remember the coefficient of static TS: So Brodemeister, what was it sort of seizing fit. The paramedics said TS: Adrien Brody! Star of The friction... right, exactly. Okay, got it? like hopping around for that whole Nasonex was harmless when taken Pepsi commercial? orally, but that Adrien seemed to have AB: That was a Diet Coke commer- been ingesting some sort of plastic Bastard Confession cial. And it was important. polymer for an extended period of TS: Do you own your own low- time. We were all glad to hear that he rider? would have his stomach pumped and AB: I wear suspenders on set. would be fine. In another good turn of TS: Hydraulics seem like a waste of events, an intern found his insect leg money to me. Unless you have trouble under the coffee table, but some dog I’ll be the first to say it: reaching the tubes at the bank drive- or other animal must have gotten to it, good riddance to bad thru. since the ends were chewed to bits. We AB: I’m tall. I can reach. I’m friends can’t wait to see Mr. Brody’s upcom- rubbish. with Chris Martin. ing films and we’re sure he will have a TS: What? bright future in Hollywood! AB: Chris Martin, lead singer of the Next issue’s interview will be Mena -Vice-Chancellor band Coldplay. Suvari. We had planned to talk with David Williams, on TS: Our readers would find that Coldplay’s Chris Martin, but he hasn’t soccer interesting. been able to remember the end of AB: I like that song where he plays one of his songs for the past ten days. two chords on the piano over and You can see him performing the same over and then they have the laser light three notes at the Verizon Wireless show. Amphitheater in LA for the foresee- February 1, 2006 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTHUMOR 11

AROUNDTHELOOP SLANTHOROSCOPES Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Faith is important in this lonely world. And not just any Faith. Faith Ford. Corky will get you through those rough How would you thwart spots. the Iranian nuclear Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): weapons program You will be shocked and appalled upon stumbling upon (or not)? World War II slash fanfiction. Something’s not right about the phrase “Stalin gently caressed FDR’s leg braces.” Aries (March 21-April 19): You will loan your friend a baseball autographed by Babe Ruth, which he will hit over a fence into the jaws of a huge Theobald Heinrichson, Culturally Donald Rumsfeld, 20 Years Ago dog. Unfortunately, the man next door will just laugh at you Insensitive Diplomat and your dad will beat you until his arms get tired.

The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan Taurus (April 20-May 20): t t t t t t You are now entering Not-Getting-Any-Town. Population: you. “I’m sure the Ayatollahs “I’d give Iraq nuclear Gemini (May 21-June 21): and I could talk it over weapons and let them duke after a few drinks.” it out.” Rubbing your condoms with sandpaper in order to give them more texture might not be the best of ideas. Cancer (June 22-July 22): You might think that tired Chuck Norris list is funny now, but what if saying his name three times aloud makes him SimCity 2000 Transportation Alexander the Great, Warrior Fop appear, covered in nothing but whipped cream? Advisor, Traitor Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan Your mysterious illness will take a turn for the worse when t t t t t t you have a seizure the moment they turn on the MRI. Don’t worry, though: it happens to everyone and Dr. House is the “I’ll do you one better and best in the business. “YOU CAN’T CUT come close to destroying BACK ON ITS Persia altogether. Then Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): FUNDING! YOU WILL I’ll catch malaria. Then It may be true that dolphins can ejaculate to a distance of REGRET THIS!” I guess I’ll die or some- up to 14 feet through water, but it is unlikely that the Navy will thing. Whatever’s conve- fund your weapons system based on that finding. nient for you, really.” Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): You might not know why the caged bird sings, but torture Sen. Judd Gregg, Budget won’t find you the answer you seek. Al Gore, Bastard Committee Chairman Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21):

The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan You suspect that someone in the mailroom is stealing your t t t t t t mail, but you won’t need it after a medical student steals your “I’d get the Iranians’ corneas. hopes up by starting off “If we have a problem, if no a presentation with a clip Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): one else can help, and if we from “Futurama” but Your career as an inquisitor will reach a dead end when can find them, (and they’re then bore them to tears you realize that Home Depot doesn’t carry the Malleus cheap) maybe we can hire . . . with my monotone voice, Maleficarum. THE A-TEAM.” appeals to popularity, and dull graphs. And I won’t Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): give all of them chairs.” Ah, The Pub. You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum & villainy. 12 BACKPAGE The Slant - www.theslant.net - February 1, 2006

Top Ten Things That Are Ruining America in 2006

10 Republicans 9 Democrats Gonorrhea (actually, this is 8 just ruining the Greek sys- tem)

Supervillains with access to 7 Kryptonite

6 Chain E-mails 5 Chuck Norris Humor

Chain E-mails full of Chuck 4 Norris humor

That guy next door with the illegal subwoofer who 3 decides to listen to NOFX at 6:30 in the morning.

American youth not bring- ing balance to the Force and 2 instead joining the Sith.

Smart-Alecky Humor 1 Publications

This Waste of Space Brought To You By: Nostalgia For Wastes Of In The Next Issue of The Slant: Space Bob Woodruff Embedded In Iraq, Shrapnel Embedded In Bob Woodruff