2 3 CHICKS NOT BOMBS Rock without Cock p. 17 LiveOnRelease p. 9 T.V. Mamas p. 9 Manda and The Marbles p.11 t at Milk The Organ p. 21 omorrow spinnin i [email protected] DJ Todd T The Smears p.15 The Widows in LA?: “I’m going to Disneyland to Billy the Kid p.15 talk with label peeps,” grinned Billy Hopeless about the latest news regarding his post Black Halo’s project, The Widows. But The Rumours p. 21 what has/is to come of these talks? Who knows, but as soon as The Dirtmitts p.11 we hear, I’m sure you’ll have already heard it from Billy himself.

Local pornofunk master and DJ to the stars of Nerveland, Todd COLUMNS Tomorrow, along with the ultra stylish purveyors of all that is surf, glam, electro-country and hipster in Vancouver, Rumbletone Productions, are hosting a night called Barracuda at the bar Milk, It’s Raining Men p. 5 455 Abbott St., every friday night. One can expect everything from Hopelessness p. 7 glam rock to trash rock to punk and pop as well as a room full of Atomick Blast p. 7 rockers and talkers drinking getting comfortable. Guest appearances Don’t by Mr. Hopeless, Otaku, Bryce Dunn and Frankenstone (yeah, I fuck with The Nerve, punk: Skate Menace - Skate Spot p. 24-25 got that off the poster). Syd Savage ripped us off. He’s a lying, cock sucking, Ridin’ Shotgun p. 25 piece of shit. Syd? If you’re reading this, was it worth it? Huh? Premature Death: Say goodbye to 303 Live folks, looks like the Fucker? landlords have refused to renew the lease with the current lease hold- SECTIONS ers of the Columbia Hotel bar and, as a result, the club shut it’s doors ATTENTION TOURING BANDS: Now that we’ve breached the March 29th. American border, we’re starting a new section called Full Body NEW!! Classifieds NEW!! p. 31 Cavity Search, or Assaulting the 49th, or Just Put The Dope In RESURECTION! According to the promoters at The Cobalt, Fashion p. 13 Your Bass Cab, Dude, or something like that, and want to feature Vancouver’s Hardcore bar will re-opening it’s doors after extensive bands from Vancouver who are heading south of the 49th so as to give Live Wires p. 18-20 interior reconstruction (included, apparently, is a new dishwasher… the Yanks the heads up…. AND bands that are heading to Vancouver Off the Record p. 22-23 yay! No more Hep C!). According to wendythirteen, the grand re- from down south. So, please let us know if that means you and we’ll opening weekend will feature: Fri. May 2 – Kill Allen Wrench [fea- tell everybody about it. Got it? Good. Straight 8 - Gore p. 26-27 turing Dr Heathen Scum of the Mentors] sidesixtyseven and Jak-Uzi. Games and Puzzles p. 28 Sat, May 3 is S.T.R.E.E.T.S, Autopussy, Feral [Seattle chicks Hey, got a cheap shot for us? E-mail your news to cheapshotz@then- Smut - Tex & Dex p.29 dressed as cowboys] and Motorama. ervemagazine.com Cartoons p. 30 THE NERVE HIT SQUAD Advertising (a/k/a Fire Insurance) Brad Damsgaard King Pin (a/k/a Editor-In-Chief) On the Cover: L. to R. Billy of Billy the Kid and Bradley C. Damsgaard the Lost Boys, Lou Rumour of the Rumours and Sue of the T.V. Mamas Lady Godiva (a/k/a Music Editor) Sarah Rowland The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve Father Gary (a/k/a Visual Art s Editor) Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writ - Jason Ainsworth ers and artist s do not necessarily reflect those of Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but of ten do. Bjorn Olson First publishing right s only are property of T h e Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content Nerve Magazine cause we have no desire to own Editor) Jason Wertman you. The Nerve does not accept responsibility for content in advertisement s. The Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or submis - The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) sion and accepts no responsibility for unsolicited Pierre Lortie manuscripts, artwork or women. Copyright 2003 Map and Details (a/k/a Art Director) Saturnin The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage CHANGE OF ADDRESS!! Send Everything to: The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) 508 - 825 Granville St. Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Mike O, Casey Vancouver, B.C. Bourque, Sinister Sam, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, V6Z 1K9 Dmidtrui Otis, Angela Fama, Billy Hopeless, 604.734.1611 Vanessa Samson, Emily Kendy, Dennis Regan, D- w w w.thenervemagazine.com Rock and Miss Kim, Jenni Nelson [email protected] The Cleaner (a/k/a Cover Design) [email protected] Saturnin

4 The Nerve s Employee of the Month by Jason Ainsworth or The one who will get p aid the most beer...) A true story told to me “Mom said I was born Apparently March something into Earth to be red hot rad awe- was World Ladies day, and the by a Graffiti Vandal in some, and I can even remember heifers were running around in a which he tries to justi- my birth. Then later, I went to tizzy celebrating their vaginas, school for many years, starting and a bunch of them put togeth- fy his barbarism. with kindergarten, which I grad- er a workshop. Nothing new uated from with flying colours. there, standard banality, but one What I am about to reveal is cer- Like all graffiti vandals, I had a of the workshops was about tain to disturb and disgust you. minor talent for drawing which Graffiti. Now what is this? I did- Simply put, it is a tale of deluded me into thinking I might n’t go, of course, but I’m assum- heinous immorality, inhuman become an artist. But before I ing they were reclaiming graffiti behaviour and grotesquery. was sixteen, I decided it was too in the name of WYMYN hood or Inhuman. Will it irk you as it difficult and I wouldn’t make some such nonsense. Come on irked me? I honestly don’t any money, or “props” as we say people, graffiti is a crime, just know. in the rap industry. That’s right: like skateboarding. Let’s just Super-Rapper D sprays I am a rap-influenced induvid- grow up a bit. his so-called “tags” all over the ual. In many ways listening to I tied him up with no city where even decent people rap music enabled my influence- eyes and no cock and balls in the can see them, a large swirly ology of art per se. I was more forest and he rots. Thanks for thing, looks like a D, with some interested in “grooving” out to reading! ex, Cowboy TexAss, Cowboy TexAssinine, Fuck other crap throw in, in red paint. rap-oriented music, such as Kool Join my anti-rap coali- Head, Cowboy TexAssHole, or whatever you Disgusting. He was marking up a Rap Cool, and the Duck Sisters tion! We endeavor to replace rap Tthey call him, if he s not being cut of f from the wall near my household, in a then studying or working hard. records on jukeboxes with soul bar and/or kicked out while on assignment or crashing back alley but it was an alley I Later on I started tagging walls, enriching music by Spade a p arty like a bull-horned helmeted V iking, drinking all liked. So I caught him and or “cribs” as we say in the rap Cooley, Ernest Tubbs and Tex your booze and making off with your women, he s hard pulled his pants and underpants environment. That was six Ritter (father of motion picture at work bringing you the goods from out there to the down and kicked him in the face months ago. Now, as my life is and TV star Sean Ritter.) Nerve Centre and then, with some heavy editing, to hard. He was crying like a about to end, I look back, not Remember our motto. you, dear reader. W e d just like to take this moment to schoolgirl. Kicked him again with tears, but a sense of accom- “AIDS victim.” recognize his excellence in the category of excellence and stood on his ***** along plishment. No one will forget in reporting while shit faced. Cowboy TexAss is our with the broken ground glass. Super-Rapper D, a proud rap- employee of the month, which only happens when we Spat on him, I asked him, influenced man.” feel like it. Keep up the good work! “What’s the gag?” This is his Oh, by the way, Ed. tale of disgust.

5 6 eah, Yeah, Yeah, women of B.H.: Speaking of female artists, a to get such praise for your own self- of Manitoba? rock and punk blah, blah, beautiful songbird I know named owned product. Is it paying off and H.D.: Once in Yblah! Listen, I already paid Texas Terri and her band The Stiff are you planning on expanding the the early 90’s. my tribute and respect to the female Ones, recorded a cover of the label or just keeping it as a way of We weren’t arts last issue with my memorial to Dictators’ song “Baby Let’s Twist” maintaining artistic control? blown away by Wendy O. Williams and she was on their Eat Shit +1 album. Have H.D.: The album did well for a all the beautiful 1000 times the woman than most of you heard it? What’s your opinion of homegrown product and we have no landscape, but the dames out there. So, since I’m her version? plans for expansion as of yet. we were by all already one up on the rest of the H.D.: I love Texas Terri and support B.H.: Since we’re talking of expan- the beautiful players here at the Nerve table, I see anything she does. sions, I’d like to take this time to con- women who you all and raise you by showing you B.H.: In 2000, The Dictators had gratulate you and your wife Zoe on live there. The a king. But lo and behold, it’s not reformed after a long hiatus and the newest edition to the Manitoba show was great just a king, but the king of MEN, released the album DFFD on an family, your new son Handsome Jake and I got one of leadsinger with the Dictators, pro unsuspecting world. How does it feel Manitoba! Is he truly the hand- the greatest wrestling icon, owner of one of to be back with your blood brothers? somest baby in the world and just blowjobs of my N.Y.’s finest bars, the handsomest H.D.: It feels great to still play to how is the heir to the throne? life! If I was man ALIVE and now The Nerve people who think we were the shit. H.D.: He is beautiful, like his mama smart, I’d have magazine’s official man of the mil- Hanging with the boys has its ups and and poppa, the personality is oozing named myself Hopeless (right) with the King of Men (left) lennium (uh, wait just a sec there downs… we are supposed to put out out of him, not to mention other stuff. Handsome Billy, can I see you in my office? ed.) a live follow up to the album this I adore my chubby, laughing, smiling Dick Hawaii! five cheeseburgers, a large fries and a Mr. Handsome Dick Manitoba!!! year. happy little guy. B.H.: Ok, now on The Dictators’ drink. Read ‘em and drool kiddies!!! B.H.: Cool. So, in the opening track B.H.: I tend to drink a lot so I often website you have a link to white ass- B.H.: Well, thanks for the interview of DFFD you ask us who will save forget the unforgettable times so hole hamburgers who make them tiny and we truly are hoping you’ll return Billy Hopeless: So, Handsome Dick, rock ‘n’ roll. I must ask you, will The please remind me when, if ever, was little hamburgers. Are they the offi- to Vancouver to play faster and loud- I know that you’ve held many titles Dictators save rock ‘n’ roll? And the last time The Dictators played cial meal of The Dictators and if so, er than ever. Do you have any words throughout your illustrious career, who else do you think has the power Vancouver? When can we expect how many of them little burgers does to hold us until then? and now I’m officially adding the to bring back the rock? you? it take to fill a two-tub man? H.D.: Yes. I am the LEADER of title of The Nerve Magazine’s “Man H.D.: We do what we do… it’s our H.D.: We played the “Couv” in H.D.: White Castle! White Castle! men. I can’t help it. Just follow my of the Millenium” Do you have any little part of keeping the music we 1991, I think that was the year. We White Castle! You knucklehead… words, ask me for advice, follow my words of acceptance for your people? love alive. I think we can show some will be back when we play it’s The Dictators’ food of the world! advice and life will be good to you. Handsome Dick: The Canadian people some shit and point them in LA/SF/Portland/Seattle this year if Don’t ever get that name wrong Love H.D.M., King of Men! Belt?!!! Another feather in my cap! the right direction, but it’s going to be the money is right! So get your shit again! White Castles are the official I’ll put it on my wall next to my Fla. some young MTV guy or band (like together B.C.! hamburger of The Dictators!! They T.V. Championship belt! Cobain/Nirvana) with youth on their B.H.: Well, hopefully a promoter are as integral a part of our culture as B.H.: This interview is going to side, passion, power and talent that reads this and heads those words. anything else in the world! I usually appear in our women of rock issue, will really fuck shit up!! Now, I’ve beed to your bar get 3 White Castles, the hip way of and since it’s well known that you are B.H.: The album DFFD was put out Manitoba’s Wild Kingdom in N.Y., saying hamburgers, a true lover of the fairer sex, I was on your own label and got wicked but has Mr. Manitoba ever been to wondering who Handsome Dick’s reviews in magazines like Playboy the province favourite female artists might be? and Rolling Stone. It must feel H.D.: Darlene Love and Ronnie great impor- Spector. here? tant for all the funsters in this city to spend Overall, at a time when a lot of some energy on proactive action and lobbying people and businesses want less regulations, of city council. We have a council that is more less red tape, and the provincial government is likely to listen now and we should take advan- doing their bit to move in that direction, that tage of this. Attend council meetings, check the report and the recent city council events indi- city’s web site regularly, e-mail Larry and his opposed cates that we might be in for more rolls of the cohorts as often as you can. It’s time to rev up to everything whine so much that nothing same blood coloured tape. It is imperative that the funcouver campaign’s engines once again. ever gets done…). Therefore, Louie and city council keep At a Planning and Development Standing Committee meeting on March 27th, t has been over four months since Stevenson argue, the province most put a council decided to debate on both the afore- Vancouverites decided that they’d had mora- mentioned motion and staff report at a regular enough and gave the boot to the “No Fun I council meeting on Tuesday April 8th at 2 PM City” NPA city council and right from the start, at city hall. I will be there and I wanna see as COPE appeared much more promising at deal- many funsters as possible. We won’t be able to ing with the tougher issues. They quickly Coping with more of speak, but our presence in an otherwise empty solved the Woodwards squat, without any vio- public gallery won’t go unnoticed by the coun- lence, got to work regarding safe injection sites the Same cilors. And we can catch a band or musician for junkies, named a D.O.A. day, called for performing, thanks to Jim Green’s brilliant idea musicians to come and play a song at the Are we in for more years of No Funthat inCity? mind and stay for opening the meeting. beginning of each city council meeting and aware of not falling victim to armies of munic- Funsters Unite! We are going to city Larry started his sworn in speech with “It’s torium on the new changes until at ipal bureaucrats having to constantly justify hall on April 8th! gonna be fun!” least the end of this year. That way, this will there jobs as well as small groups of residents But four months later, it doesn’t seem give time for the city bureaucrats to introduce a that want Vancouver to be a big suburb where like more fun, especially in regards to loosen- bunch more not always necessary rules, regula- everyone is in bed by 11pm. It is also very ing Vancouver’s outdated liquor laws. Now that tions and rolls of red tape to make sure that the the province has finally somewhat updated and people of Vancouver don’t see any advantages, simplified the rules, it seems apparent that this at least not yet, from one of the rare good makes some people at city hall rather uncom- moves that Gordo is doing. fortable. A city staff report recently presented The 10 page preliminary city staff to city council, as well as a motion presented by report deals with what the city needs to do to councilor Louie (Larry Campbell’s liaison with address the provincial changes. The city will the entertainment people) and seconded by likely retain the old rules until new policy is councilor Stevenson, does not indicate that developed and adopted which could take a very action will come quickly. The motion goes long time. Basically, that paper, in a nutshell, something like this; whereas similar changes in reads thus; for every area where the province is Alberta led to the tripling of liquor stores (a planning on simplifying, streamlining and get- natural result stemming from the good old law ting off the back of those who cater to fun, it of supply and demand…), caused the police to points to the necessity of introducing new, deal with a bit more trouble (big deal) and complicated municipal regulation. I am not increased liquor prices (What? $19.65 for a 15 saying here that every proposed regulation is pack of Canadian is more expensive than wrong, I mean, you don’t really want a restau- $28??), there has been no opportunity for pub- rant with a food optional lounge acting as a lic discussion and community input into these nightclub till four in the morning right next to far reaching changes (the type of thing where an old folks home, but I don’t see anything minority groups of people systematically wrong with Safeway selling beer late at night like they do in Quebec. It works there, why not

7 8 LiveOnRelease

The Nerve Magazine did the idol. not sell out. The Nerve T: How do you find being a Magazine received no cash woman in the Vancouver scene? dollars for doing this inter- C: Hard. I got treated like shit. view. Cowboy TexAss just Back in grade 9, we played a really wanted to talk to battle of the bands at our school. underage girls. Colette You’d think that having all these Trudeau, 17 year old lead friends who were in other bands lady of LiveOnRelease was would totally be supporting you the lucky jailbait. Avril right? Well, they weren’t. We’d was busy. be walking down the halls and people would say “You guys TexAss: What role do you feel that suck, you’re a GIRL band, sex and gender have in music? you’re gonna win just because Colette: For women, it’s a bigger you’re girls.” It was hard at the deal. Usually when you go up on beginning. Either it’s getting stage, people come and say, “Oh, easier now or you just deal with you were really good, I was expect- it. ing, because you were girls, that you T: So they were judging you wouldn’t be any good... but you based on the fact that you were a were awesome.” For a guy band, you marketable package? The next wouldn’t have people going, “I was whatever… really skeptical, cuz you’re a guy C: People are going to shoot you yourselves? the hot guys for us…. made people laugh and was kinda band.” In LiveOnRelease, we try to down no matter what, even if you do C: We’ve been asked that a lot, but T: How do you feel feminism mixes stupid and reflected how we perceive keep the mentality of ‘let’s just go up what you love. we don’t know where to place our- with punk rock? touring… nothing about going on a and rock out…’ Don’t care that T: Is that where that Brittany song selves. Some of our new songs are C: Feminism is equality for me. I field trip. The sound is way better on we’re girls, just go up and play comes from? A backlash against heavier, some are top 40 radio don’t think I’m a feminist… I don’t this CD than the last one and we’ve against the big boys. Not… ‘let’s go that? songs… We haven’t categorized our- think any of us bring it out in the had way more experience in the past do the best Brittany Spears impres- C: Yeah. Pop is a big thing. Rock selves. We’re broad. music. We’re trying to compete with year and a half... we’re really proud sion we can.’ music… I’ve always been into it. T: Broad broads? the big boys, not bring out the fact of it. We’ve progressed…. Tex: Does that stereotype piss you Growing up my father would listen C: Ha. that we are women and trying to use T: One last question, your choice. off? to KISS, AC DC, Guns ‘n’ Roses and T: Do you get groupies? that as a weapon. Ask yourself a question and then C: Yes, shit... we’re always being I’d be in the backseat rocking out, C: Actually, yeah! We have people T: What’s it like working with Bif answer it. stereotyped… that cuz you’re a girl, strapped into my car seat. It’s just the we like to call Superfans. They bring Naked? C: Do you do this to everyone? apparently you can’t play guitar or way I was brought up... the whole us birthday presents. They’re C: Really awesome. She’s like a big What’s next for LiveOnRelease? can’t play drums. Brittany thing… you see all these wicked. We tend to bring them back- sister. She keeps us informed of the T: What is next for LiveOnRelease? Tex: There’s just not enough satura- younger girls dressing up in skimpy stage. We hang out with them. music industry, how to react to cer- C: No idea. We’re going on tour, tion in the scene, not enough girls clothes… Why are you dressing like Usually we just bring back people we tain things and people. She keeps across Canada. We’re gonna start playing…. that? Why are you wearing makeup know, though. We’ll do the signings, everything light. She’s so funny. She showcasing in the States… headline C: Exactly. What we’re trying to do at age 9? say hello. We don’t really have many helps us cope with things, cuz she bigger shows, open for bigger acts, is open up doors for girls. Girls will T: Or ties a la Avril Lavigne? groupies… we just have superfans. went through it all and she can relate. keep progressing, get more fans and go up to bands like the Moffats, C: Young people are so impression- Not like guys... we don’t have our A good person to have on our side. keep having fun at we’re doing. drooling, being like, “oh, he’s so able... and right now, yeah, all the chick groupies… like if they’re hot T: New record. Plug it. dreamy.” But they don’t think, “I can young girls are wearing ties... and I they can come backstage. C: LiveOnRelease Goes on a Field be up there too,” that they could be mean, our bass player used to wear T: You, you and you... not you… Trip. It’s supposed to be a pun name. playing for those people. We’re try- ties, back in the day. Its “whatever” C: Yeah, no, not you... no, no... the We decided that it would be best to ing to open up the eyes of a lot of who’s the big thing right now. one behind you… yeah, ok, I send come up with a name that young girls. “You could be playing, T: Speaking of rock and pop, how do Riley to go and grab you could be doing this,” Y’know, be you define

T.V. Mamas Much Better Than Reality T.V.

Tex: Which female musicians/celebrities ‘oh wow, that was great’ even if you played a do you admire? shitty show… sure dude, you just wanna get Sue: Kim Deal, because her voice is amaz- in my pants. ing, really crystal clear, and because of her Tex: Dream gig, 3 bands, dead or alive, go! bass playing. Does it have to be female? Sue: It’d have to be the Pixies, for them to Tex: I guess not…. reunite would be awesome and Frank Zappa, Sue: Frank Black. And Bach. Johannes if he was still alive and NoMeansNo, cuz I Sebastian Bach. I’d do him in a second. love to see them. Tex: Do politics come out in your music? Tex: Have you had any problems with sex- Sue: Yeah, they do, but mostly things that ism in the scene? directly affect me, like worker’s comp. We’ve Sue: I think I’m not dissed as much, even if got quite a few songs that are political. That’s the music isn’t 100%. That’s kinda credible really all they are, love songs or political cuz there aren’t many girls in this city who songs. play very well, honestly. There’s a select few. Tex: Define your sound, describe the TV Tex: What are you thoughts on the Tex: Why did you start playing? Mamas. TexAss talks with Sue, frontwoman for the T.V. Vancouver live music scene? Sue: I’ve been playing since I was a wee tot. Sue: Fast baby doll punk rock. Mamas Sue: I think it’s horrible. There are some I can play so many instruments it’s ridicu- Tex: What about Avril Lavigne? good bands, but there’s nowhere to play. lous… and as a kid, punk rock is what my Sue: She can suck my twat. TexAss: As a woman, what role do you feel There’s no more Cobalt, no more Starfish. I older friends all listened to, that’s what they sex and gender have in music? think Vancouver generates good music, but I played, and I started liking it when I was Sue: At one point, I thought sex appeal was really don’t think there’s much of a scene for young. I started playing guitar when I was 11, important. Now I don’t care, I’m more into punk rock. bass when I was 14, because it’s fast. I love the music. But the sexier you are, the better… Tex: How do you find being a woman fast music. more people will come to your show. Just musician in Vancouver? Tex: Me too - heavy, low ended, fast. look at JP5 for example. How important is Sue: It has its advantages, for sure. My band Sue: Faster, louder, deeper, harder. sex? Kind of important, I think. I give it a 7 isn’t overly amazing, but people will still be out of 10. 9 10 Manda and the Marbles Tex: The Marbles? What’s in the name? play with you…” and it’ll just be another Manda: We were originally just the band with a female singer… they’ll be a total- Marbles, for 3 to 4 years. We just I got a chance to talk to ly different genre! For example, we played a recently added ‘Manda’. There’s show in Indianapolis this weekend, and we Manda, lead vocalist varying stories, but there really were with this band that sounded like Tori isn’t anything. I thought it was and bassist for Go-Kart Amos… it just did not fit with our sound. We funny… people said it was a horri- get pigeonholed into this whole girl band recording artists Manda ble name. There’s a band called the thing… we’d rather play with someone who Marbles in Ireland, I think, so Go- and the Marbles. We fits our sound a bit. Kart said we had to change it slight- Tex: Define your sound. I’ve heard a lot of talked long distance. ly… so we added ‘Manda’ on. It comparisons, but gimme a definition of what made me nervous, cuz I’m a shy She’s from Ohio. She has you’re aiming for musically. person… . Manda: People say we’re punk and I don’t a funny accent. This is Tex: Does your shyness go away on think that we are… more of a power pop stage or do you have to drink it the steamy hot conversa- thing… people also say we have an 80’s away? sound. Bands that influenced me, when I was tion that ensued… Manda: Yeah, recently, I’ve been young, were the Bangles, and not so much trying not to do that (drink) cuz I’ve Tex: As a woman, what role do you feel that then, but I listen to the Go Gos now. Our learned I sing better when I don’t. sex and gender have in music? drummer is into 70’s punk… so maybe that Yeah... I’m quiet, and I don’t know Manda: I’m not a person who thinks its any- comes out. how to interact with people well... it thing different from anything else. It should Tex: What inspired you to start playing? goes away on stage, though. Maybe be treated as the same thing. Unfortunately, Manda: My parents had a guitar in the house, it’s cuz I’ve been doing it since I was Manda: I don’t like her much. I got com- women are seen more as sex object(s). A lot and I picked it up and taught myself, messed little. pared to her once. I can’t stand her. I think of women have feminist qualities about them around. I didn’t even think I could sing… but Tex: Ask yourself a question and then answer she pretty much sucks for any other girl and I’m not like that… in the way I handle people encouraged me. Then I just ended up it. What do you want people up here to know who’s trying to get some where, cuz she’s music, and I don’t try to stick political views playing the bass cuz this band needed one… about Manda and the Marbles? using that image to get somewhere. into my music, which a lot of bands do…. It just happpened. I did play piano when I Manda: Oh god... there’s a lot of questions I Tex: Do you feel you’re treated differently? was young…. DON’T wanna be asked. We have goals… (Cowboy TexAss begged me to get him an interview Manda: Yeah… it works both ways some- Tex: Did that help? We wanna keep doing this for as long as we with Avril Lavigne for this issue. When I refused, times. If you have a bad show, people are Manda: It helped with the singing. can. Tour as much as we can. We’re going to he made this vengeful face and walked out of my less critical, “oh she’s a girl, she can’t play” Tex: What was the last album you bought? the west coast in August. Go through Texas, office. He asked everyone he interviewed in this or whatever, and other times its more nerve Manda: It was an album by The Photos. An issue her opinion on Avril Lavigne. Just another California, Seattle. wracking, cuz people are ultra critical of old band from the 70s, early 80s. Someone reason why he’s employee of the month! Ed.) Tex: If you go to Seattle, you gotta come to women. I try to steer away from all that. said we sounded like them. Vancouver. Totally irrelevant question, but Another thing that happens… often we’ll Tex: A girl fronted band? what’s your opinion on the success of Avril have shows, like out of town, and the pro- Manda: (laughter) Yeah… but she has an Lavigne? moters will be like “we’ve got the bandperfect to accent. Dunno where she’s from ….

The Dirtmitts

Canadian indie-rock scene. Last November month-long Canadian tour in Vancouver at The Hamilton’s Sonic Unyon Records released the Royal, on March. 27 (up-coming dates are list- Dirtmitts second album, Get On, which has ed on the bands website www.dirtmitts.com) been described as a somber and intense deliv- and director Bill Morrison is putting the finish- ery of relatively honey-dipped songs. ing touches on the video for the albums first Get On is the follow-up to their single “Get On.” self-titled album released in 2001, also on The fact that the women in the Sonic Unyon. The 12-song debut did Dirtmitts keep going forward, despite the extremely well not only in Canada, but also in harshness of an industry that does not want the States and overseas, prompting a full them to succeed, is a testimony to their convic- Canadian tour, two Western United States tion. It is easy to dream about the glory of per- tours and a full United Kingdom tour. Some forming, it is another thing to live the life of a oesn’t every girl secretly dream about not encourage women to rock. It’s okay if girls songs from the album were featured the Fox female musician. Nobody tells you about the standing on stage in high-heeled boots, play acoustic guitars and sing about their frag- drama series 24, the NBC teen show, Just Deal, long drives through the freezing Canadian win- with blood red lips, holding a shiny ile, broken hearts but they don’t want sweaty, D as well as the film American Psycho 2. ters, with little sleep and bad food, an industry Les Paul and pounding out riffs so heavy they balls-to-the walls, or better yet, tits-on-the ceil- Thirsk and Jen Deon (bassist/singer), that always wants you to change you, asshole blow away the boys in the front row? ing sound, even if it is as sugar-coated as the who is now the proud mama of a beautiful promoters that pay you peanuts and little or no Dreaming about it is one thing but living it, is Dirtmitts. baby girl, formed the Dirtmitts in 1996. Last support from mainstream radio. It is the deter- another. “The music industry doesn’t even try summer when then–pregnant Deon went on mination in the face of all of this that really It isn’t always easy to be a girl that to push women in rock, in fact, they stay away maternity leave, (another circumstance exclu- makes girls like Thirsk and her counterparts rocks, according to Natasha Thirsk, leader from it,” Thirsk said from her Downtown sive to girl groups) Marnie Robinson stepped rock. singer and guitarist for The Dirtmitts, a leg- Eastside apartment. “The last female that was in to substitute her on bass. Also among the Niki Graham endary Vancouver half girl-group, that puts an icon is Joan Jet.” current line-up is drummer Dominic Coletta. good old-fashioned power into their pop. Despite the struggles, Thirsk and her The Dirtmitts kicked-off their Thirsk said the music industry does band have carved out a significant niche in the

11 12 Fashion... Nerve Style

3 This tests my patience, “Veronique”, if that is your real name, which I don’t believe it is. She aims for a sleek, jungle look, the leaping jaguar, but comes across like a used sponge. I don’t believe “Veronique” has ever heard of pomade. What’s Going On In The Garment Watch out boys, she’ll blow you away in this tight jump-dress, but she’ll use her teeth on the Trade downstroke. At most, fifty dollars for full sex by Awesome Dan, the Polish Man. (temporary fash- including anal, double penetration and submis- ion standin. Ed.) sion games. BOO!

1 4 Lovely Lisa is a dazzling beacon of back-alley Christ. I’m not sure. Is it too cheap? She must shenanigans in a black torn filthy shawl-like thing. get chilly in this very revealing experiment in With buttons fit for tearing and a tendency to rise up wearable trigonometry. My mind says yes, but her hot and dripping thighs on a sunny day in the let’s no fool ourselves. It’s just impossible. Keep Coat D’ Azur. Tempting. I would pay her $100 for your money in your pockets, boys, unless you’re full sex in my friend’s car. “that way inclined”. She’s got a two dick mouth.

2 5 Oh La La!! Kylie gives the term “half-and-half” new A gentle, tastefully revealing outfit sure to be the meaning in the duality of frothing white. Just look at apple of any man’s eye. Busty’s virginal top both those shorts! Her legs go all the way up her ass, don’t defends and perpetuates the rack that made her doubt it. It’s time for a white wedding here, even fortune, whilst her smalls in this case serve only though I know this piece has enveloped more dick to accentuate the whole ensemble. Simply dar- than the late Princess Diana (she was the Queen of ling. I’d break the bank on this one fellows: One Hearts). I tell you what, with an outfit like this there’s hundred and fifty dollars for full unprotected sex no way you’re first to dip the wick. in an alleyway. Busty’s a bargain at twice the price!

13 14 T: Do you blame Avril Lavigne? I have to work her into every interview, I’m sorry. B: No, I don’t blame her. She can’t help being a girl any more than I can. T: Feminism. Punk rock. How do they mix? B: Females need someone to stick up for them and who better than musicians fronting bands? …and speaking to people on a nightly basis. Punk rock is a great avenue for causes such as false judg- ment upon the female gender. T: Why did you start playing? B: Because someone was nice enough to donate a guitar to the high school I went to and I’d rather play guitar then go to class. I learned nothing more in high school than how to play guitar. T: You lost all your old bandmates, got a whole new Photo: Nicole Stefanopoulos band, version 2…? B: Actually, it’s now version 3.0, the upgrade. T: What’s going on with the band? B: First of all, I gotta admit, I never really understood why we were called Billy the Kid and the Lost Boys aside from The Smears the fact that my name was Billy and there happened to be some guys in the band. T: And your name’s not even Billy. B: That’s the other funny part. When I started playing come music, when I was 16… it started out as just ‘kid’…. he Smears, one of Vancouver s newest into play in your music? T: Who are the new Lost Boys? female fronted bands, are: Stevie Kicks on Rene: Not really. W e re more of a light hearted, B: The newfound Lost Boys are Aaron Weis from Ziggy’s TBass (formerly of New Town Animals), Keith easy going punk band. We got together as a fun Fix and Shane Wilson from Jack Tripper... I lost my other Grill on guit ar, Rene on guit ar and vocals and project and then got a show and just took it boys to other bands and other projects and I had to keep Angela on Drums. Present for the interview were from there. playing so I found them. Rene, Angela and Stevie. Nerve: You guys recording anytime soon? T: You’re already recording a new CD? B: One thing about my band is that we move really fast. Nerve: Lets st art with the question that everyone Rene: Yeah, we should be recording The first lineup was together for 12 days before we played our first show. We recorded 6 months later. This lineup had hates. For those who don t know, how would you sometime in the next month. We ll have been together 2 months, and we just finished our upcoming describe your sound? something for the summer for sure. record entitled Breaking Down the Barriers that Break S tevie: Rock. We re just a rock band. W e play Nerve: So, do you guys get groupies Down Your Music. Cd’s done. Lineup’s staying. I like them rock n roll. That s pretty much it. or what? too much to ever give them reason to leave so I hope they Nerve: What are your thoughts on the live scene All: Of course! Stevie, he always don’t. in Vancouver these days? has groupies! (all laugh) T: Why do you move so quickly? S teve: I think it s picking up again. For a while Nerve: Groupie stories! B: Why do you have two jobs? I dunno. Why do we do the there, it seemed like everything was on hold Angela: W e had a groupie back things we do? Rene: There are way more bands with girls these st age once, puked in all our T: Why’s the sky blue? Why do we do interviews? Cuz days. It s exciting. beer. It was at the Pic, down - there’s an answer to every question. Nerve: How long have you guys been The st airs, the bucket filled with B: Why am I Billy? What was the question? Where am I? Smears? beer and ice. I don t know Did I leave the stove on? All: About a year. Stevie joined at Christmas time. why she T: Last question, you pick a question and then answer it. B: Why is a raven like a writing desk? Nerve: What are your thoughts on being female was back T: Why? musicians in Vancouver? Do you think that you are there, Local punk band B: Cuz they both make a noise when you kick it. treated differently? but yeah, she s at Billy the Kid and T: Thanks, this has been an incredible experience. Rene: Its great. It s such a wide field, you can do EVERY show. the Lost Boys’ are B: I’ve learned a lot and hope you have as well. so much being female in Vancouver right now front line talent in Cowboy TexAss and I don t think we re treated any dif ferently . Catch The Smears this city’s punk Pic: Courtesy of Billy the Kid Nerve: You don t find any problems with sexism or May 2nd at The scene. Charming promoters not t aking you seriously? Brickyard with the Rene: I m not really sure. What do you think? and charismatic front Excessives, woman Billy (the Kid) (turns to S tevie) W ednesday S tevie: I don t know, I guess the dif ferences I ve Night Heroes took a few minutes of noticed are that people seem to respond more and Dirty her busy life as a punk maybe because it s girls The Smears, they just Needles. rock goddess and Nerve grab people s attention . I think I ve gotten of f Magazine cover girl to topic now (laughs) . A.D. MAD- answer our lousy ques- Nerve: That s alright. So, who s the songwriter for GRAS tionnaire. Here goes: the band? Rene: I am. Nerve: So, who has inspired you? Male or female. TexAss: What role do you feel that sex and gender have in your music, or in Rene: Hm, well, definitely Concrete Blonde I lis - music in general? tened to a lot of girl bands growing up and Billy the Kid: In our music? Absolutely S teve: (quietly) the Jaded Ginas (all laugh). Y ou none. In general? Way too much. should tot ally get the Jaded Ginas to do an inter - Tex: What are your thoughts on the view. Vancouver music scene? Nerve: U m . Billy: I fuckin love it. Angela: Bands that inspired me were the T: Why? Lunachicks, L7 and Bif Naked . B: It’s fun and great, and fun is #1 and beer is Rene: Strong women. Chrissie Hynde #2. Nerve: What about you Stevie? T: Have you had any problems with sexism in the S tevie: What kind of music have I been influ - scene? enced by? B: A whole lot. Totally. People expect you to suck as soon as you plug in your guitar, or go ‘oh no, not Nerve: No, the women who ve influenced you. another girl band’ or the only reference they have for S tevie: Um, well, I ve been listening to the female musicians are female musicians they aren’t a Distillers a lot, they re cool, um . fan of. So they make a bunch of assumptions that Nerve: Yeah, Brody is writing a new album aren’t true. right now so she wasn t available for an T: Why do think that is? interview in this issue B: I don’t know… I could blame a lot of things but I S tevie: That would have been fun. don’t want to and all I can really do is keep playing and Nerve: Yup. So, does politics ever Billy thehope to Kid change and their minds.the Lost Boys 15 16 Meegan Maultsaid and Ani Kyd Prove It Takes Balls to... Rock without Cock!

ollectively, they’ve estrogen and rock. “I think that make it to the interview due to soon. Vancouver’s female purveyors of been blasting sonic being a women, from my own expe- scheduling conflicts. The band’s “That’s the frame work hard rock don’t have the support sys- Crage on Vancouver rience, is really hard because people posters for the Station Street gig that’s been set up in that scene,” she tems in place to pull off events like stages for more than a quarter of a treat you in a different way. Guys were considered so risqué for that adds. “It’s always predominately Lilith Fair. According to Kyd, that’s century, but don’t expect these think they’re better musicians than time that the telephone pole ads been men and it caters to men. It’s simply because the numbers aren’t womyn of heavy rock to start turning you because they have a prick. It’s caught the eye of some unwelcome hard to break that mold when that’s there but, she says that shouldn’t dis- down the volume anytime soon. sort of like, ‘Oh, hey, I’m a much guests. already the parameters. Do women courage the second coming of core Meegan Maultsaid and better guitar player because I have a “When we did our first even want to operate within those chicks from persevering even in the Ani Kyd are part of the last bastion cock,’ that’s sort of what I get a lot of Spank Machine show, no one in parameters when it’s not really wel- face of harsh criticism from people of female musicians dedicated to the times.” Vancouver had done anything with coming to them and it doesn’t repre- who still don’t get it. loud hard-hitting music. Maultsaid is And she would know dominatrix on stage and we had a sent them? So then they kind of “You can’t be too sensi- the singer for the politically edged about discrimination toward women row of cops in the back that came to operate in the margins and nothing tive,” says Kyd. “You gotta do what hardcore band Che Chapter 127 and playing heavy music. Kyd has a rock check us out ‘cause they were won- really changes.” you do because you love it. If some- Kyd is the guitarist for the heavy ‘n’ roll resume as long as Robert dering what this was all one says, ‘Oh, metal act, Fuel Injected .45. The two Downey Jr’s rap sheet. The about,” she recalls. “Once that band is have played a dozen or so bands Ontarian, who moved here 20 year they saw that it was just a band When we did our first Spank Machine shitty and we between them, so they know what ago, has been performing on stage and it was OK, they left.” show, no one in Vancouver had done don’t like kind of obstacles that lay ahead for since about the age of 15. Now, for Today it takes a little them’ just keep some of their less experienced coun- the first time in long time, she is more than a raunchy band anything with dominatrix on stage and going. If that’s terparts. concentrating on one project. name to attract the boys in what you like “You have to sometimes She remembers the world blue. But the Vancouver hard we had a row of cops in the back that to do, just keep work twice as hard,” says Kyd, who premiere of her legendary bondage rock scene is still sparsely came to check us out...” Ani Kyd playing the along with Maultsaid, sat down to rock act, Spank Machine more than populated with X-chromo- music.” talk to The Nerve at Lugz Coffee 10 years ago with Gerry-Jenn some musicians. Lounge on Main St. about mixing Wilson, who unfortunately couldn’t “There’s not really much The hard core scene isn’t While the subject of gen- of one is there?” much better as far as equal opportu- der pigeonholing in music may be an Kyd says about the nity goes. exhausted subject, for the few lack of a sisterhood “When we tour and stuff” women who refuse to be dismissed for female musi- says Maultsaid. “Almost 90 per cent as merely cute chicks with guitars, cians. “You look in of the time we play with bands that sexism is still very much a reality. the heavy metal are fronted by men or are all men. “It’s a stereotype that magazines and There are different scenes where it’s woman can’t play music as well or there’s maybe two probably more balanced but defi- aren’t as dedicated to their instru- women out of 500 nitely not in the heavy music.” ments because they’d would rather all fronted male However, she’s not about suck their boyfriend’s cock,” says bands. Maybe to conform artistically just for the Maultsaid. “It’s old mythology and there’s the odd girl sake of making a feminist statement that’s so tired.” bass player.” and she points out that connecting Despite the many chal- Maultsaid, with other local acts has more to do lenges facing women in Vancouver’s who began singing with genre and less to do with the hard rock scene, Maultsaid, who in bands 10 years gender. plays the Pic Pub April 4 and Kyd, ago with Tinkle “There are indie-rock who performs at the Silvertone Trunk, agrees and bands that are all girls but I’m not Tavern April 4, have no intention of she doesn’t see that interested in playing with those slowing down. ending anytime bands because they’re not coming “If you got the rock in ya, from the same position musically.” then ya gotta keep doing Fuel Injected 45 Unlike women playing it,” says Kyd. folk with teeth or titillating pop,

17 Nashville Pussy rip into the crowd at Richard’s on Richards Photo: Cowboy Texass s ng Pussy resturb i tDi cov- Shi ers.) The Wi Reverend was look- ing mighty haggard tonight e and it might just be he’s getting too old for the ole ‘Psychobilly Freakout’. He did all the old standbys, he climbed onto Jimbo’s bass while playing, did his whole Liv freakout thing, but he looked much more tired than he usually does. He did play that new lit- tle ditty “Loco Gringos Like to Party” and we atmospheric, almost power metal style music… @Unit 20 sang along like fools. Eventually Dexter got too usually within the same song. A well known drunk and we left early to avoid her getting metal magazine recently said that SYL is the thrown out, again. best metal band on earth, I wouldn’t go that far, It is really hard to have fun at an all ages show Cowboy TexAss but they sure put Vancouver on the map and sober and over the age of fifteen. It’s a good Nashville Pussy very worthy of checking out. thing I brought my two little sisters. They had Stefan Nevatie fun… it’s a shame I couldn’t too. Anyways, SprëadEagle working on my hangover from that afternoon, The Stag Reels Strapping Young Lad, I found a booth, got some soda pop and kept an @ Richard’s on Richards Sahara Hotnights eye on the kids. Lots of kids showed up, but th God Awakens Petrified Feb. 24 , 2003 The D4 none as cool as mine. Eventually, the Flipsides Savannah started playing and they were cute skater punk Wicked local country/punk bastardisers The Friday, Feb. 28th, 2003 Ikara Colt rd with a chick singer and my little sister Lexi Stag Reels kicked this night of shit disturbing @ Studebaker’s Sunday, March 23 2003 @ Richard’s on Richards really liked them. They had some boring ban- rock n’’ roll off to a good start. I love country ter with some drunk guy… I got jealous and but I hate wussy music, and these guys should In some ways it was an awesome night, but in other ways it was incredibly shitty. Shitty This show kicked my ass. The all girl quartet wished I’d drank before I came. Next up was get a medal for beating any lingering wussiness Rise Against they were boring screaming punk out of country music. Shortly following, Nerve because earlier I was supposed to help a friend from Sweden known as Sahara Hotnights hit with roadie-ing gear from a S.T.R.E.E.T.S show the stage of Dick’s with much force and energy; rock, but it seem like a lot of people were there Records recording all-stars SprëadEagle hit the to see them. The Real Mckenzies were on next stage, ripped Dick’s a couple new assholes, and at Sonar and ended up with a brutal leg injury speaking very little and rocking very much. from being thrown out through the front doors The thick Swedish accent amplified the sweet- and they are so good, but like everything, bet- then proceeded to sodomize them with bad-ass ter with beer. It hurt me too that they were rock ‘n’ roll like only a bunch of bad mother- onto the side walk by super violent security ly snotty voice of front woman Maria guards (apparently because I came in through Andersson, and mingled perfectly with the back drinking up on stage just feet from me and I fuckers from Mission can do. That said, couldn’t share in the fun, kind of like having Nashville Pussy geetar queen Ruyter Suys has the back doors and wasn’t officially supposed up vocals of the guitar and bass playing siblings to be in there. dirt thrown in your face after having your skin gotten to be the hardest rocking mo-fo I have peeled off. The good news though my sister ever seen. That woman can give’er on stage I’ve heard that many Sahara Hotnights’ Maria Andersson gives a Genevieve thought they were kick ass, she like nobody else can give’er, and it has nothing lesson on how to rock out. almost got the balls to go in to the crowd and to do with the G-string and her great big titties S.T.R.E.E.T.S fans were hurt thrash about, but fearing getting squashed, she hangin’ out, but that all don’t hurt none neither. did not. Lastly, the headliners The Mad Head bangin’, jumpin’ up on the bar, and just by these bas- tards. Oh well, Caddies came on, late for an all ages thing on a thrashin’ about while her balding, beer gutted Sunday night. husband poured beer on her (how did that mar- I don’t think I’ll ever be at Sonar The crowd was pretty stoked on the riage happen again?). Their new bass player, on Mad Caddies and the room seemed to ‘come the other hand, hasn’t quite come out of her again. I’m still having prob- alive’. The Mad Caddies played their brand of shell, and didn’t move much from her corner of slightly ska punk with a few songs off their the stage. The playing itself was great: fast, lems walking two weeks after new album and mixed it up with some older heavy and it made me want to drink and fuck. classics, witch I enjoyed. They have incredible The bar itself did not make me want to drink the fact. Again, I horns that kind of break up the music making it though, cuz Richard’s sucks my swollen, sound different from anything else, which is bloody asshole. I don’t need to pay $6.50 for a was late getting to the show so probably why they are so successful. Good goddamn highball and then be treated like a show and over early enough to still get a few fucking criminal for wearing a chain on my we ended up missing beers. wallet to a rock show and be watched by Miss Dexter annoying, perching, ready for danger, ‘roid Savannah, but monkey bouncers. THIS TOWN NEEDS A God Awakens NEW VENUE GODDAMNIT! That, or that Petrified had Dirty And The Derelicts, bar needs a hostile takeover in management.... just started to play. The house was packed, I in the band. Much like a female version of the Reign Of Terror, Cowboy TexAss was drunk and I realized that God Awakens Vines, yet incredibly more talented and listen- Petrified would be G.A.P if you put it in ini- to-able, they played one of the best sets I’ve Dead End Job tials. Not my favourite kind of metal. Some seen a band play in a long time. No lull, no bad Saturday, Mar. 15th, 2003 Reverend Horton Heat good riffs here and there, a few good blast and songs, no slow songs, no dull moments - just @ the Astoria The Unknown Hinson thrash beats, but just way too much “Nu-Metal” good music - and I couldn’t take my eyes off @ the Commodore Ballroom going on. And yeah, Studebaker’s was packed them either. Why is it the foreigners have to It’s kind of funny to watch bands that are prob- Sat, Feb. 22nd, 2003 to the gills. A friend of mine who’s been the come all the way over here just to show us how ably too young to be playing in a bar. Not that local metal scene for quite a while said that see- to rock out? The D4 are another prime exam- took anything away from their set. Dead End I’ve seen the Reverend play countless times and ing the crowd and the intense atmosphere at this ple of this, hailing from Auckland, New Job are a fairly fast, angry, kind of simple polit- if you’ve seen him once, you know the show. I show was definitely a crucial victory for the Zealand, they left the stage after a smoldering, ical punk with angry vox and a really cool only went cuz Dexter wanted a date and I fig- local metal scene. I agree, but I think most of high–powered, gritty rock ‘n’ roll set, with big name. And, although these guys are young, it ured I could check out all the sexy rockabilly the people there mostly came for Strapping shoes to fill for the Swedes, who effortlessly didn’t stop them from playing a pretty intense chicks… but I guess they all forgot to come, Young Lad. rose to the challenge. set with a crazy mosh pit. Definitely one of the cuz there was nothin to look at goddamnit. The SYL didn’t come on till one in the Cowboy TexAss more genuine sounding “punk” bands I’ve had evening was started by a trio called the Unkown morning, and considering it was at the pleasure of seeing in awhile. One bit of Hinson. The lead guy of which had creepy Studebaker’s, I was lucky to be able to get a criticism though, the guitar player should avoid glued on sideburns and eyebrows and did a ride with someone after the show (back to East The Mad Caddies trying to play solos… it’s not his main strength. whole bunch of ‘fat’ Elvis moves. Their bassist Van.). SYL lived up to my expectations. They The Real Mckenzies Wicked set otherwise. bore a freakish resemblance to Colonel mostly played material from their recent release Rise Against Reign of Terror came on next. I really Sanders, so much that all we could think about (which I think is by far their best material). liked their music, but, the lead singers vocals was fried chicken throughout their set(which SYL plays a mix of thrash metal, grind core, The Flipsides was comprised of waaaay too many Hendrix black metal and some very majestic sounding Sunday, March 2, 2003 see Live Wires p. 20

18 19 Live Wires from p. 18 a cover. Their set consisted of mostly heavy, intense songs back room before the show. I will only accept your apology if except one song that was a kind of lame ballad and out of place you swear you were at the Nilsson tribute. with the rest of the set. They did, however, pull off a pretty cool Jenni Nelson were fairly annoying. I mean, I like harsh guttural vox, I like cover of Public Enemy’s “Channel Zero”. clean rock and rolly or operatic or power metal vox, or even just Stefan Nevatie angry yelled hardcore vox. R.O.T.’s singer managed to have a Sparta weird high-pitched sound that was just a little too unpleasant. Glassjaw The riffs, drumming etc. were all excellent, but man, the vocals Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, were too much. Although some songs featured the guitarist or Radio Berlin Hot Water Music bassist on the mic and those weren’t annoying at all. Lots of Pat’s Pub Dredg good grind/crust style stuff with a lot of D-beats and blast beats. Feb. 28th, 2003 Commodore Ballroom They also did a Demon System 13 cover and Johnny Cash February 28, 2003 cover, “Folsom Prison Blues”. Where the eff were you guys? You suck. I know that we have Dirty and the Derelicts were far better than I had hoped. all seen Radio Berlin a thousand billion times, and yes, they The concert poster for this show is fucking crazy. It’s got an I recognized a couple of the members of the band, and I’ve seen were as good as they always are, but dudes! You fucking missed army of Velveteen rabbits pulling a massive Snowman on a their name on lots of posters, but I wasn’t expecting them to Ted! And he is so rulin’ and you all will be waiting in line for wooden-wheeled trolley. The Snowman’s stick-arms are raised sound the way they did. Heavy rock with a lot of punk and three hours outside Richard’s or some other dive that sells over- like a victory pose, giving the metal sign. It took me a while to metal influences, and even some double bass drumming. They priced drinks next time they come to Vancouver, and me and notice a more formidable rabbit, sitting on the trolley under the opened their set with a cover of The Pogues “Dirty Old Town” Marla will be skirting the line-up and like, helping Ted tune his snowman, and lashing a whip with his other paw clutching a which was pretty good, but I thought it a bit strange to open with guitar and maybe combing the Amish drummer’s beard in the flask. Anyway. Dredg are artsy, and seem talented; judging from the last half of a song I caught, upon my late arrival to the ‘dore. Needless to say, the band ended with a flying circus of a drum solo. It was immediately evident that I’ve been spending a bit too much time at the Brickyard, because an Am can never be a Pro, and it’s been too long since I’ve seen some real talent. Hot Water Music was fucking insane, the guitarists were spraying bucket loads of sweat by the end of the first song. I listened to these guys three years ago, but they definitely don’t show any signs of slowing down. They had so much energy is was hypnotizing. Glassjaw busted out with their hardcore, unpre- dictable punk rock. The lead singer played the crowd like the charming little Long Island homie I bet he is, and the band breezed through the aggressively disjointed but distinctly coherent songs of Stuck Pig and Ape Dos Mil. By the time Sparta took over, the crowd was insane. Like they’d all been locked in a sauna and Sparta let them out. This unique band held the reigns if you ask me-they were the rabbit with the whip that night. Frontman and ex-ATDI gui- tarist, Jim Ward, has an entirely unaffected stage presence and a voice as haunting as a coyote howl at night. The quartet’s con- centration on their music was admirable, given their intricate melodies and rollicking chord changes. They made songs like “Air” and “Sans Cosm” not only amazing to hear, but also inspiring to watch. I’m still relieved I made it through the night without fainting. Sally Scribbles

Emergency, Wednesday Night Heroes, Rabid Dogs, The Lancasters 303 Live Saturday Feb.22nd, 2003

I hate starting reviews this way, but I missed the first band. Seattle’s Rabid Dogs were on second and were pretty much straightforward rock and roll, sort of like a watered down ver- sion of The Stooges. Nothing really ground breaking, but still really good and energetic. The vocals weren’t the typical whiny stuff you might hear from some other similar bands. WNH were next and I couldn’t help but notice that the singer had a Youth of Today shirt, which is nice to see. Very sing along choruses and a lot more energy than the Rabid Dogs, (more jumping around). The vox reminded me a bit of Guerilla Biscuits and the music was a little more to my liking than the openers, much more angry and fast, similar in some ways to shit like Reagan Youth. WNH also did a wicked cover of the Angelic Upstarts-”I Won’t Pay for Liberty”. And, speaking of Youth of Today T-shirts, it was a little ironic that WNH had a song called “Break Down the Walls”. Very good tight and ener- getic set. Emergency head lined the night and I just realized that I’ve seen these guys a year or so before at the Cobalt. Fairly heavy, angry, anthemic street punk/oi type stuff that was con- sistently intense. The only thing I didn’t like about their set was something that most people didn’t notice, but the guitar player’s amp kept clipping and sounded like it was about to die. These guys are all pretty wicked musicians, but some of the songs do tend to sound a bit the same. Nevertheless, Emergency are more powerful than a lot of other local bands I can think of, and this is something that I wouldn’t mind getting a copy of the album. Emergency ended their set with the singer jumping into the audience during the last song, which was a nice touch. Stefan Nevatie

20 The Rumours ou Rumour mentioned that you guys recently played (vocals), a fashion show or something in The Bay. LMelissa Star I didn t hear about it till he told me, but I (bass), Just Janelle (guit ar) and newest just gott a ask. member Sara Skelton (drums) make up J: That bast ard! Damn you Billy The Rumours, possibly Vancouver s Hopeless, and you can print that too! fastest rising all girl band, if not band, (laughs). Um, we, uh, The Bay puts on period. W ith a potentially high end record this t alent show every year, and we deal in the near future, The Nerve caught weren t in the t alent show, but MTV up with Just Janelle to get the truth Canada was one of the sponsors, along behind all the, well, rumours. with XFM, and they wanted a rock band just to be featured there so, I don t know, Nerve: So, what s new in Rumourland we thought it would be funny to play in the these days? mall. Janelle: W e re recording. W e re doing N: W as it fun? the theme song for a T.V. show called J: Y eah, it was weird. There are senior Alienated today [March 26 th] and we ll be citizens and children eating ice cream recording our first full length sometime in while you re trying to play music . the next month or so. W e also just played N: Did anybody ask you to turn it down a C M W, and we won this contest thing that little bit? Universal and Future Shop put on so we J: No, they were pretty chill about it, so N: Who are you playing with? N: Have you had any problems with sex - got a little bit of money and a little bit of that was pretty cool. J: It s just us. ism? Do people t ake you less seriously distribution. N: Did you recently add a new member? N: An early show before the dance crowd because you are an all girl band? N: So, this record, who s putting it out? J: Y eah, Sara Skelton, she s our new pours in kinda thing? J: No, not at all. But some people are J: Universal is putting it out. W e re still drummer. J: Um, maybe? I dunno. I think doors really into the fact that we are an all girl working on the det ails, but we hope to N: What are your thought s on the local are at 8pm. band and they don t even really care what release it this summer. scene? N: So, who has influenced you as a we sound like. We just do our thing, N: Did you guys play a show in The Bay J: I wouldn t use the word thriving. But musician? we re not always well, we are well recently? there seem to be a couple of [new spot s J: I never really had any female influ - aware that we are an all girl band. J: Um, well to play] popping up, I mean, we re playing ences, really, I mean I listen to a lot of N: Does that ever influence your song N: Billy Hopeless was just in here and he a gig at Sonar later this month. female musicians like Joan Jett, Josie writing? Cotton, Pat Benat ar and Cindi Lauper. J: W e just write songs about our But, as far as musically, It was more like thoughts the message isn t political with S teve Stevens, Richie Sambora, us as much as it s just our feelings about Pantera (laughs) things and our experiences. The Organ N: Richie Sambora, isn t that the guy N: Anything else your fans should know? from Bon Jovi? J: W e re going to try to do some Revisited J: Y eah. all ages shows, definitely, and

From left; Shelby, Deb, Katie, Ashley and Jenn Photo: Casey Cougar few months ago, orchestrated a unique set up mags as Chart, Exclaim and Vancouver’s for the band: a deal with both Macleans, preceeded them. AHammond-driven, Mint Records and 604 However, the ladies in The simple and haunting pop Records (a venture of Organ are acutely aware of quintet The Organ were fea- Nickleback’s Chad Kroeger). the contrast between the peo- tured here in The Nerve “Neither label had ple in the audience or press Magazine. They impressed done anything like it but who genuinely dig them and me as perhaps the fastest ris- Johnathan and Randy Iwata those who are into it because ing year-old combo around. (of Mint) have known each “someone told them they The Organ (Debora Cohen/ other for like 15 yrs, so it’s ought to”. A late spring jaunt guitar, Jenny Smyth/organ, old friends, good times,” says opening for pop darlings the Katie Sketch/vocals, Shelby Sketch. This rather curious New Pornographers guaran- stocks/drums and Ashley coupling will definitely result tees future praise from both Webber/bass) are continuing in even broader exposure for camps. In the fucked up on that upward arc fer sure. everyone involved in August world of rock, The Organ are A DIY self-titled 7” plus the upon the full length debut of positive proof that enthusi- Global Symphonic released The Organ’s, Get That Gun. asm, style and timing are EP We’ve Got to Meet com- The Organ recently equally important as musical bined with an exhausting went on an 8 city Eastern chops & experience. number of gigs and glowing Canadain tour, touted as one local press, resulted in imme- of the “hype bands” in Casey Cougar diate interest from several Toronto during Canadian labels. Johnathan Simkin, an Music Week. Their reputa- entertainment lawyer and tion as one of the “Next Big early admirer of The Organ, thangs” according to such

21 Apparently recorded entirely in an abandoned Jenni Nelson warehouse. Rapture Cowboy TexAss Songs for the Atom and His Withering Package Now in their sixth Married to Music Centurymedia.com Attention! Blah Blah year, this four piece The World’s Gotta Go Round Blah from Hunting Beach, Independent A new month and a Hopeless Records CA continues to new Finnish act. It administer a heavy G-O-L-D. These guys are fuckin great. At The seems that a lot of Let it be known that dose of distorted, Drive-In meets Janes meets Queens of the Stone Finn’s are kickin’ Atom and His intense, cranked up Age. Complex, compelling, hard driving pro- musical ass these Package isn’t for hardcore damage. gressive rock songs, with lots of riff and tempo days. Songs for the Withering is the follow up to everyone, especially the legions of scowling punk Produced by the world famous Steve Albini, the changes that flow perfectly. Highly listen-to-able. 2001’s Futile. Futile was good, but this is fuckin’ kids and jaded hipsters. However, for those open duration of this 15 song, 36 minute CD is bound TexAss approved. excellent. Rapture has definitely matured. Two enough to let some irreverent piss-taking into to make anyone’s hairs stand on end. Vocalist’s Cowboy TexAss singers, two styles, and one great overall feel, def- their collection, Attention! Blah Blah Blah may be Erica Daking and Brad Logan take turns blurting initely for anyone who digs the doom/death the record you are looking for. Atom travels alone out an all-out oral assault and sounding pissed off Mudhoney movement and bands such as Katatonia and with his ‘package’ (a few music sequencers and as hell. Musically, it seems apparent that F-minus Since We’ve Become Opeth. synthesizers) and volleys between riff-heavy may have taken lessons from American anarcho Translucent Adler Floyd numbers like “Mustache T.V” and “The punk greats such as Christ On Parade, Nausea, SubPop Palestinians Are Not the Same As the Rebel Neurosis and Crucifix. Never a dull moment on Raunchy Alliance, Jackass” and more synth-based tracks this frantic release as my head continues to spin. I procrastinated Velvet Noise which are reminiscent of The Rentals and Le Great stuff! Herculean on this Nuclear Blast Tigre. Catchy and intelligent, this album doesn’t Aaronoid review because it’s the Records out-stay its welcome after the 30 minutes are up. CD reviewer’s worst Adam Simpkins Into Eternity nightmare. What do you do when a band you’ve If this album had been Dead Or Dreaming always really liked puts out a really lame album released ten years ago Alexisonfire Century Media and you’ve been assigned to write about it? it would have been s/t Correct- you Put It Off. Oh well, Damsgaard the heavy metal Distort Entertainment There’s a magical seems unwilling to let it go…. album of the year, but it didn’t… it came out just place where full Mudhoney took a hiatus when original last month. It has all the effects ProTools can pro- For those of you that grown men with long bass player Matt Lukin quit. In fact, it looked like vide, enough double kick you’d think the drum- would love to hear a hair still play they were done. Apparently, however, Lukin mer was half jack rabbit, and a screaming lead possibly great record Dungeons and himself felt that Mudhoney should continue, singer who looks like a SoCal varsity boy but ruined by incessant Dragons, where girls with short hair fight like which they eventually decided to do. The record- sounds like the Kurgen. This is like listening to a and nonsensical angry bouncers and music like Into Eternity can ed result is Since We’ve Become Translucent, a modern sci-fi soundtrack, it should have been screaming, pick up Alexisonfire. The musician- be heard from behind closed garages every day. half-assed collection of uninspired used for battlefield earth… maybe, if they’re ship on this album is excellent, an homage to That place... is called Saskatchewan. Now, if Mudhoneyisms. Frustrating because you know lucky, they’ll be on Blade 4 or 5. Closest com- Fugazi, Bad Religion and maybe a few metal this album was an omelet the ingredients would they could have done more, but they didn’t.. parison: Fear Factory, and a whole shwack of acts that blends together in this guitar driven be 3 cracked Iron Maiden albums, one half cup of Since We’ve Become Translucent sounds pretty other 90’s new metal acts. I will say in the band’s emo-punk barrage. I was so fucking sick of hear- Fear Factory, 2 tablespoons of Megadeth, One much like any other Mudhoney album except less defense, there’s obviously some talent here, I’m ing the dog bark screams “complimenting” the halved Prong with a side of double kick pedal. inspired, less humorous, less everything. I gave it just nostalgic for a different era. 90’s new metal choirboy vocal lines by the 3rd song though. I The Screaming is oddly purposeful in this album, a few listens, but liked it less each time. Maybe was never in any of my CD players or tape decks. just think you should go one way or the other, I so I’d say add extra screaming sauce. Lyrical next time…. Some interesting bridges and interludes, some hate the middle of the road. Wish I could hear content summarized: apocalyptic fantasy realm of Mike O nifty Nightmare on Elm Street keyboards, a what screaming boy had to say, he sounded real- future earth, complete with carnage and self-dep- whole lot of screaming and vocal effects, but not ly angry, oh wait I caught a line... “yaaaughr recation of the foulest kind. Suicide, homicide, Mustard Plug a whole lot of substance. blakctak, blarghrat, YASplakt, yueeoou- genocide, splintered factions of a world and Yellow #5 Wes Regan ughgggr” And then they break in to the emo half humanity gone astray, there is no God, only the Hopeless Records time bridge with Morrissey vocals… Jesus, are mistakes you make. Good shit, boys. Sand Family these guys 17 years old? “Every day is like sun- W.S. Regan Mustard Plug are one Monkey Pants 7” day... BLARRRGGHH!” The music itself is great of those ska/punk Independent though. The Kings of Nuthin hybrid bands that are Wes Regan Fight Songs… for Fuck Ups just so infectiously Are you this many Disaster Records poppy and obnox- (I’m holding up four Daycare Swindlers iously talented that you wanna puke when you fingers) years old? Heathen Radio It’s what swing would’ve sounded like if punk come to and realize how intensely you’re into Are you a collector Go Kart Records. had happened first. Dax hair grease, big guitars, them. Good ska music hits you like a communi- of obscure retardia? big amplifiers… horns soaked in lighter fluid and cable disease. I started to love this cd the minute Me neither. Short, bitter and to the point, their longest song ignited with cigarette butts…. Hand skeleton tat- I put it in and can’t stop listening to it… I came Jenni Nelson clocks in at an epic 2 minutes and 6 seconds. That toos sticking out of pressed black suits and a dude very close to skanking in the office, but I kept my doesn’t say much about their music, but then named Necro who’s credited as the “sock wash- cool. Their best, fastest, most danceable hit plat- Skinjobs again their music doesn’t say much either. At least er” player. Rough, whisky soaked and smoked ter yet. TexAss Approved. Burn Your Rainbow they’re not singing about girls and high school… out vocals range from Waitsian crooning to spitty Cowboy TexAss Agitpop / Bongo or are they? I can’t make out the words. It’s oi! cursing. There’s too much of too many good Beat bringing me right back to grade 8 when everyone things, new and old, on this record to nail as any- Patrizia I hung out with had a band that sounded like this. thing else but a modern classic. Fast cars, faster Defiance Oh grade 8, I’d forgotten all about you. women, heavy double-bass slappin’, heavier United One Records Wes Regan drinkin’. Get it? You’d better, punk. A.D. MADGRAS You know when companies come up with prod- Dub Narcotic Sound System ucts that are a combination of two things you Queercore/Homopunk/Fistopop/Assplaythrash, Hand Clappin’ The Immortal Lee already know and love? Like that PB & J spread whatever you want to call it, will always remain K records County Killers shit… and skorts? Well, to the classical aria / nothing more than a cultish subgenre. I don’t get Love Is A Charm of wanky rock appreciaters, Patrizia extends a help- it – Instead of spending all your time writing If you are having a dance party and everyone Powerful Trouble ing hand. This album is a fascinating conglomer- overly queer lyrics, why not concentrate on writ- has been dancing really well for a long time, slip Estrus ation of wa-wa pedals and tenderly caressed snare ing good tunes? We’re here! Ok… We’re Queer! this one in their ear like a wetted pinky finger drums paired with the glass shattering vocals of That’s fine… Get used to it! Wasn’t aware I was- and let them wind down a bit. Grade seven slow Its amazing how two Patrizia herself. Honestly, though, I think this is n’t... Look, The Buzzcocks’ Pete Shelley was gay, dancing sucks, let your dance floor become an men, armed only with some sort of joke that I am not fully getting. so were 2/3rds of Husker Du, but they were fine arena for interpretive moves with less beats per guitar and drums, can These guys are doing classical songs (songwriting with that and moved on and wrote some amazing minute and more tai chi hand waves. create such a cacophony of sound (the true art of credit given to Mozart, Verdi, Bizet, etc.) in the songs. That said, the Skinjobs remind me an Jenni Nelson which is really only captured in their live per- style of Styx, and then the back cover is all arty awful lot of a punk band from years ago called formance.) Expect more of the same spastic, dis- and electro looking. Who would put this much The Grumpies, who in turn sounded like F-minus torted, semi-intelligible “blues” found on The effort into a joke that isn’t even that funny? The Screeching Weasel by way of FYP. Overall, the Wake up Screaming Essential Fucked Up Blues!, but with a spattering whole thing makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. result is a bizarro-world version of the overly het- Hellcat of slow, pretty, listener friendly numbers.

22 erosexual (and none-too-appealing) porno- Adler Floyd punks, The Nobodys. Take it or leave it fellas. Regardless, I’m off to Davie St. for some cheap, The Reunion Show gay Chinese Food at HoHo’s. Kill Your Television Matt “Dig That Pussy” Davies Victory Records

The Reunion Show are just another one of those Spam Avenger countless pop-punk bands that have been clutter- s/t ing up record stores and receiving unnecessary Catch and Release airplay and acclaim. TRS play very pedestrian pop and employ a Moog synthesizer to add some The Spam Avenger colour to their songs (already attempted by avenges Spam – that Reggie & the Full Effect and The Get Up Kids). loveable digital form Each track on this album bleeds into another with of junk mail that the same chugging riffs and frat-boy choruses. To clogs up your email be honest, there really isn’t anything wrong with account with ads for various penile accessories the album - it is well produced and gives way to and offers of front row tickets to a journey of a toe-tap or two, but there is nothing original or enlightenment. It’s a pain in the ass, but what can gripping about Kill Your Television (even this title you do? Well you can take a cue from this guy was used by Ned’s Atomic Dustbin back in ’91). and obtain the 1-800 numbers that the ads often Adam Simpkins include and harass them with your reverse Spam ways. It’s often funny but something is lacking – The Reverberators the fact that no one ever gets angry. It’s like the Limbo Fury operators are totally brainwashed and are unable Independent to respond with any true human emotions. Weird, especially in light of the last track, a phone orien- Loungey instrumental surf guitar music with a tation on soliciting sales and potential customers. saxophone, hailing back to “Lonely Road to Best call award goes to “They So Cute”, in which Damascus” and The Ventures. Classic 60’s beach the Spam Avenger casually mentions that he is surf. Great playing and they do the 007 theme the world’s only talking Panda and is looking to song. move out of his roommate-Zoologist’s place Cowboy TexAss ‘cause all he’s been doing is sitting around smok- ing and watching TV – The Operator makes nay The Way Out a hesitation about this and continues on with her When the Comet Comes sales spiel. Independent Matt “Masturbates When Put on Hold” Davies From the cover-art, I was expecting (and looking Scruffy Magoo forward to) some horrible King Diamond-esque Scruffy Magoo metal band. Instead, I get this. Simply put, this is Independent “indie because we have to” rock. A strong appre- ciation of Radiohead and Hawksley Workman is Alright, first off, if you guys are reading this, definitely lurking abound. Word of advice – YOU GOTTA CHANGE YOUR NAME! invest in some audio gear, add some noise, fire That said, there a few good riffs on this three song your “producer” and record the next album your- disc, namely on the first track “Heart Attack”, self. Thataway you can get signed to Matador which also has a pretty decent funk-out bridge. Records, thus gaining instant street-cred. Easy? Weak recording though, combined with even Sure thing, butternuts! See you at NMW! weaker vocals and boring songs for the most part Matt “Does Not Hang Out at the Guitar Store” make this lame alt-rock disc a hard listen. Davies Cowboy TexAss US Bombs $wingin’ Utter$ Covert Action Dead Flowers, Hellcat Bottles, Bluegrass and Bones Since day one I’ve Fat Wreck Chords been a fan of the sheer brilliance of the Another stellar U.S. Bombs. Their release by those style of upbeat Pogue influenced melodic beach style punk is always a treat on roots punkers. Full of really great, fast punk rock even the worst of days. How can anyone go songs with an accordion thrown in here and there, wrong with a US Bombs release? Covert Action like “Pariah” and “Leaves of Fate”. Dead is comprised of the all the top notch material that Flowers... is by far their best release so far. They one would expect from a US Bombs album, with play more acoustic stuff on here than previous the addition of a ska type rhythm on a couple of albums, along the same lines as ‘Fruitless tracks… but in a good way. Fortunes” from Five Lessons... Intensely grip- The big stand out on this release is singer ping. TexAss aproved! Duanne Peters’ radically outspoken political out- Cowboy TexAss look. On the song “Framed”, Duanne takes a dis- tinctive look at the Oklahoma bombing, pointing The Last the finger at the US Government in reference to L.A. Explosion! using Tim McVeigh as a scapegoat. The next Bomp.com song “John Gotti” suggests that the Mob do a bet- ter job of running the Whitehouse. Well, what In the summer of ’79, someone out there fucked more can I say? If you’re a US Bombs fan, you’ll to this 8 track and named their child Willow. need this! Well, it’s 20 some odd years later and this early Aaronoid. psychedelic punk pop album is resurfacing, with bonus tracks and other goodies. This shit is tight, that is if you’re into the whole 70’s surf vibe mixed in with some early punk influences. If there was a sequel to American Graffiti, this would be the soundtrack. As records go, this isn’t for everyone, but I’d buy this over any 604 release, if you catch my drift.

23 Georgia

M The first post-approval design meeting TE EN for the Georgia Viaduct skatepark, at the Roundhouse Wed. March 19, has the A started our beanie propellers a- SKA Boarding House closing, the lega- CE whirling. D-Rock B.Sc. B.Arch. is cy lives on strong. Last year, a obsessed, among other architectural lot of shops and distributors issues, with exploring the aesthetic kicked in with prizes and give aways. possibilities of skateparks. Some of The Bowl Series starts on Canada my peeps and homies in architecture Day Long weekend and keeps on rolling every see skateparks as a second rate typolo- other Sunday for the rest of the summer. gy; new historically, low-budget, built Seylynn, Griffin, White Rock, New Westminister with technical prowess but little intel- and then to Whistler for the series finale. Categories usually break down as: Beginner lectual content, theory, or art. The all- (they get all the good prizes), Intermediate, gray-concrete material palette tends Advanced/Sponsored, Longboard, and Old Man ladies! towards visual monotony and encour- (over 30). Skaters are divided into heats and skate Last ages graffiti, a major reason for main- for a song or two while judges try to focus, some- year was stream anti-park sentiment. I would what, on the skating argue, however, that they are an going on. Then the authentic contemporary form of public finals are organized space; a collision of the Old World for each category model of pedestrian space found in and spectators are treated to some traditional public plazas with serious ripping. the New World instinct for The crowds the constant motion that are getting better first manifests itself the Shane Hunter flying backside every year. By bet- time I saw North American a women’s Photo: ter, I mean larger obsession with and cooler. category. If I remember right, SK vehicles Everyone is there to and Damn, summertime is so close at have a good time. they competed at Griffin, New hand I can smell it. The sound of Families come complete with Westminster and skateboard wheels are everywhere. strollers and cool- Whistler. Cruising downtown the other day, I ers. Couples pull up So many things happen at the Bowl free- ran into my friend Mike who I had- camping chairs and chill. Skaters ride Series that it’s hard to ways. A n’t seen since the final of the Bowl the bowls in get it all represented. The Series up in Whistler and the memo- between cold drinks Here are some high- future primitives lights I remember: and practice heats. of skating inhabit the T ries of the series came flooding back The locals rage at Seylnn had a beer relay like it was yesterday. up and down the snake blur point between individual their favourite and vehicle, as hyper-pedestrians. E John Ramondo and the Boarding House bowl, always ready run, at Griffin, there Backpacks filled with mp3 sound sys- Crew started the Bowl Series years ago. It began to show the visitors Upside down on Canada Day was a “last man skat- as a fairly low-key event and grew into a yearly a new line. Photo: ing” in the bowl con- tems, laptops, and all-weather jackets, gathering of friends from far and wide. Even with And the test, at New they are an actual version of the plug- Westminster, Eugene in “urban nomad” predicted by kickflip-backside Archigram in the 1960’s. What if you grabbed over the spine envisioned skateboarder spaces as con- from the bowl to the temporary landscape architecture, snake, in White Rock, Don Carver put on a inhabited by skaters and BMXers, style demo the likes of instead of as “skateparks” with all that which, I had never term’s preconceptions? seen., and up in The cultural subtext of skate- Whistler, Shane Hunter boarding is rich; subversion and rein- hucked a huge air over vention of the banal and marginal, in the longest part of the effect making Art out of Nowhere; the second hip and smacked idea of “freedom” is metaphorically his board as he came in. extracted via ritual transgression of Dave Boyce summed up his feelings spatial norms. Plus, people heelflip and at the end of the stuff. This transcendence of the every- Whistler contest with, day is obvious in street skating, but “I look forward to this vert skating too evolved from misuse series all year long!’ I of backyard pools and industrial drain- agree completely. So, pipes. In fact, parks’ low street cred is hey, this year, why not from the absence of tension between come see it for your- the “sacred” use of an object and the self? “profane” creative use. A stair signify- Dennis Regan skatemenace@then- ing “stair”, with the attendant stairlike ervemagazine.com details, is more satisfying to skate than a flat bank representing a stair, even if the bank is safer and flows better. This same concern with authenticity is seen in skaters’ insistence on “street”, not athletic clothing.

24 a On My Mind

Skating has a history of being open skateboarding them; in other words, to the cutting edge; graphic designer to ritualistically transgress the con- da vi d cArs oN of RayGun maga- straints of the elements into distor- Big Mama Malibu zine/MOMA fame cut his teeth at tions that retain the recognizable TWS; Neil Blender, Ed Templeton, source form but shatter and splinter Acquisition: I bought that beautiful hunk of steel, rust and bondo from Mark Gonzales, and Thomas into angular but flowing configura- some old guy for $400 during the Campbell are artists; Ray Barbee, tions. The trick is, the elements still bus strike. Deemed unsafe for driv- Tommy Guerrero, and Chad Muska have to function well for the dynam- ing by a dumb-ass mechanic, I make music; Jason Lee is a success- ics of the sport. As well as accommo- drove that thing for months without ful actor. Locally, the antisocial dating the creative aggression of a single problem. Pieces of rust and rubber would fall off as I drove, but gallery, Acrow, Craig Williams, modern skating in the urban environ- most weren’t integral parts of the Capita’s Jason Brown and many ment, a park would also represent it car. You could see the road through more can attest to this. Skaters are formally. These design ideas run for- holes in the back seat, and some- creative and visual; much attention is mally parallel to the high design times people got splashed back paid to style, shoe design, clothing, approaches of early Frank Gehry, or there when I drove through puddles, but it got me all the way to and board graphics. If their spot or maybe Coop Himmelblau, Pemberton, Powell River and park environment is a shithole, Seattle twice. they’re going to feel like, and be per- 3. Distortion. Letting go of the ceived as, criminals instead of the source forms, could one simply rep- Specs: 1974 Malibu Classic. athlete/artists they are. resent the freedom of motion of mod- Mostly white (it had, uh, Zebra stripes for awhile. Ed.) 350 V8. ern street skating with pure form; Structurally, the entire frame was I have not approached this project on Mark Gonzales has said of current rusted off the body, but she handled the terms of “how much temporary street skating, “kids want to move in like a damned racecar. Check the crap could you cut and paste into this straights”. These quick lines could be cardboard flame job driver’s side site for $200 000?” Pixels being drawn and built as objects, in a way right front (stolen from the stage at Naughty Camp 2001) free, I have instead asked myself that works for skating. This would be “given this site and the idea of street a true contemporary modern Claim to Fame: Miss Dexter and I, skating, what is the best possible approach, aesthetically riskier but back when we were still young park bar none?” I see three funda- punks in love, headed on down to mental approaches, two of which Seattle on a sleep-deprived whim. Tired as fuck, we pulled into a motel start with accurate representations of in the outskirts of town, the Surrey of Seattle. They wouldn’t take us, but we got a room in a neighboring motel. Because of a median in the road, stretching 3 blocks in each direction, I drove on the wrong side of the road to the right lot. It was past T T 4 AM and I didn’t think anyone would care. Then, out of fucking nowhere, 3 cop cars follow me in E O with lights flashing and corner me. Ppossibly beautiful; more like a hard Dex came out of the room, hands on S hips, “What’d you do this time?” and sculpture garden than a prosaic busi- standard urban features: the pigs loud-speaker yelled at her ness plaza. This approach might be ‘Just go back in the room, ma’am.’ I manifested like work by Zaha Hadid got off with a warning. 1. Authentic: Maximum authenticity, or WTC winner Daniel Libeskind, with stairs exactly like typical stairs, and be more contextual to the The Demise: I let the ex-girlfriend etc. and only a few small details drive it and she somehow managed Viaduct with its multiple motion vec- inserted for flow’s sake . The aesthet- to lodge a traffic pylon in the engine tors (merging traffic overhead, ic is created in a conventional archi- fan, eventually causing it to overheat swooping SkyTrain, curving Expo and it seized. After a year of sitting tectural way, using quality materials Boulevard) than a business plaza. idle, storage became a problem and like granite, brick, coloured/ textured there really wasn’t anything salvage- concrete to compose a fairly classic able. I knew what had to be done; I Remember, I am talking about design plaza. It could include 24-hour lights, had that thing crushed and scrapped. approach, not specific obstacles. The a 4-5’ concrete miniramp, big plat- A crazy long-armed dirty lookin’ park is not designed yet, so please teeth missin’ forklift driver poked forms for socializing, and a rain-pro- give us your input - I swear we’ll lis- and prodded it enthusiastically while tection roof suspended from the ten! The next VSPC meeting will be the crushing machine squished every Viaduct, with trusses inverted to pre- last bit of pride out of my beast. They on Wednesday, April 2, at the vent crapping seagulls from perching flattened it like a damned pancake RoundHouse Community Centre. overhead. A minimal approach, with (although I was hoping for a cube...) a small number of well-detailed and -D-Rock and Miss KIm. Email us at That car had the plushest, most com- well-built quality elements instead of [email protected]. Websites at fortable bench seats, the material of fifty inexpensive ones. If this park which now spews out of what was both vspc.ca and downspace.com are were a shoe it would be not a slipper once the back window. Many a horri- now in effect. or a tech fetish object, but a simple ble, dirty and disgusting deed was performed in the back of that car. sneaker built tough and with quality Hell, that’s where Dex and I met one materials. hungover morning. RIP Big Mama. Cowboy TexAss Approaches 2 and 3 are more intel- lectually interesting...

2. Distorted Authentic. The idea is to take those authentic, recognizable elements and represent the ACT of

25 s Hell House HOUSE Directed by George allows a great deal of Ratliff. Showing April insight into the workings of the modern pas- t 11-13 @ The Blinding Evangelical church. It’s easy to find the sionate about. So Light!! church’s quizzical perspective on some much more could be said about the of the seemingly innocuous vices we complexities of the film, but it really Making a documentary is take for granted amusing. The Hell needs to be seen to be believed. r a risky proposition. Every House vignettes themselves are often HELL HOUSE will both shock day is a continuity night- unintentionally funny whether it’s the you and move you. It is truth as mare. Locations are ten- church’s mild misconceptions of gen- the strangest fiction. tative, cast members uine teenage life in the suicide episode, Bjorn Olson a unpredictable. Maybe, or the gruesomely comedic ignorance of just maybe, you’re lucky the usage of a Star of David rather than a nects enough to end up with a pentagram in the room dealing with the itself story that unfolds before occult. Ratliff is never so presumptuous from its you, with enough human as to make fun of the church, but he does ostensible i subjects drama and pathos to allow allow them to reveal their own fallibility. you artistic license to What makes HELL HOUSE and becomes a look at how make some small state- extraordinary, though, is that while it ment with your camera. the marginalized g points out the inherent goofiness of the survive from day- The best documentaries Hell House, it somehow effortlessly to-day. Seeing these are not necessarily the manages to afford sympathy to nearly manic street preachers ones that capture the most everyone it focuses on. Rather than intermingling with the h extraordinary highs and looking like rubes from another less homeless and drug- lows of the human expe- enlightened time, the people of Trinity addicted as well as the rience, nor are they the Church are people who deal with the Manhattan commuters who ones with the most even- validity of religion in the modern world either pay no mind, or only handed, objective view of every day and they are not content to occasionally let their curiosity t get the better of them, it becomes their subjects. allow their particular brand of theology George Ratliff’s HELL to fall into obsolescence. The struggles apparent how some adapt to their HOUSE, opening at The of the church’s parishioners (whether it’s surroundings, and how the surround- ings adapt to others. Blinding Light!! this the soft-spoken divorced father who can month after a buzz-laden Watching THE GODS OF still barely contain his resentment TIMES SQUARE it’s hard to tell whether run on the festival circuit, toward his adulterous ex-wife, or the the end times are coming, have arrived, or is the kind of documen- youth pastor clearly conflicted by have been and gone. The groups of obses- 8 tary that exemplifies the the inherent hedonism of his sives and savants on display can’t seem to agree strengths of the medium. beloved rave culture) are analo- regardless. While it may have been a more inter- Granted, Ratliff is blessed gous with the struggles of the esting film had it a broader scope, THE GODS OF with a documentarian’s church itself to stay rele- TIMES SQUARE is a fascinating snapshot of a time, dream - a group of mar- vant. a place, and a people. ginalized subjects ready to Regardless of the share themselves with the credibility of its sub- PLEASURE & PAIN world - but it’s his natural jects, HELL HOUSE April 25th-27th @ The Blinding Light!! ease with the camera and is an incredibly his passionate, unflinching eye that dis- powerful film, PLEASURE & PAIN is a documentary of a year-or-so in the tinguish his film as something extraordi- simply because touring life of Ben Harper and, as a documentary, it’s a lot like Ben nary. it depicts a Harper’s music: earthy, at times captivating, at other times middling. HELL HOUSE is the account of groups of previews - Clearlypreviews made with- previews fans in mind, PLEASURE & PAIN the Trinity Assemblies of God people works best in its most personal moments. Harper’s interactions with Pentecostal Church in Cedar Hill, Texas, doing his musically inclined mother and grandfather are particularly illumi- and the conception, realization and per- some- nating with regard to the development of Harper’s distinct style. This formance of their annual, unconvention- thing is the time when Harper comes off as most sincere. Moments where al, Halloween house of horrors. Rather they Harper and his bandmates talk about how their music reaches such a than just the usual community centre are broad audience and how their style is so unlike anything else out spookfest, the Hell House itself is room there, on the other hand, are fairly ingratiating (if I hear one more after room of elaborate (albeit brief) boho, folk-informed musician talk about how they see ages ranging sketches on the wages of sin, replete from 12 to 70 at their shows I swear I’m gonna punch the next hippie with amateurish acting and over-the-top I see). theatrics. The aim of Hell House is to PLEASURE & PAIN isn’t likely to win any converts to the scare infidels into the arms of Jesus. Ben Harper army, and it certainly pales in comparison to landmark Ratliff has claimed that he tour docs like Jem Cohen’s Fugazi film INSTRUMENT and Grant was allowed full access simply Gee’s Radiohead chronicle MEETING PEOPLE IS EASY. because the church was glad to be THE GODS able to tell their own story (par- OF TIMES INDIE-BABY 2 ticularly after being misrepre- SQUARE sented in the media after a April 16th @ The Purple Onion th recreation of the Canadian Premiere April 8 Columbine massacre), & 9th @ The Blinding Light!! Promising to be a gathering of film aesthetes and rock n’ roll godes- but it’s clear that he sei, Indie-Baby 2 is a benefit event for local indie film “Haly Saint”. was savvy enough to With the proliferation of affordable, build up the trust of hand-held digital video camera has Performers and Features include: Trinity’s flock come an equal proliferation of personal, *DJ Veronica over time. For highly subject-specific documentaries. *Trip Hop Artist Chelsi Schill the secular THE GODS OF TIMES SQUARE from * Indie Cult Rock Band Haly Saint New Yorker Richard Sandler is a mostly viewer, * R&B Singer/Songwriter Anna Bains objective look at the rambling, obsessive street * Footage from indie film “SHELL” HELL preachers that lined 42nd Street. Filmed from 1993 to 1998, THE GODS OF TIME SQUARE * 2 “Haly Saint” Videos runs the gamut from run-of-the mill Christians, to * uberbabe mini fashion show Jews for Jesus, to vitriolic “Black Jews”, to a man who * surprise featured guest may or may not share an apartment with Jesus. * indie film footage visuals throughout the evening Documentaries like this are usually only as good * extras casting for the film “Haly Saint” as their subject matter, and Sandler has chosen his subjects well. For the most part he lets the preachers do the talking - Tickets: 10 bucks at the door. which they are more than happy to do – but he does occasional- ly try to engage a certain few in dialogue. What makes THE GODS OF TIMES SQUARE interesting is how it subtly discon- 26 Seven

Day keeps the atmospheric scenes of a cloaked topless care of it. Romay walking through a foggy Black Metal set. - LOVE LETTERS OF A POR- Diamonds OBSCENE MIRROR (1973) TUGUESE NUN (1976) by Sinister Sam There is yet another Spanish Eurotrash actress that Many consider this to be Franco’s finest effort as Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie I think is widely overlooked (other than by her it keeps your attention and delivers the goods at small Spanish fan following) the same time. This entry in the (1996) JESS FRANCO PART 2 – THE “EROT- Dir: Jim Mallon called Emma Cohen. She has a nuns have more fun genre fol- ICA” role in the amazing classic gore lows a young girl shipped off to You’ve all But first… western THE CUTTHROATS a convent that likes to fuck done it: you’re NINE as the violated sheriff’s around with the young nuns all watching a Why Gaspar Noe’s IRREVERSIBLE is easily one daughter, and she has numer- in the name of the lord (or evil, movie with a of the best films of the last decade: ous roles in Spanish horror when necessary to advance the friend or three films of the seventies including plot. Some thorned bleeding and something The merciless, realistic violence portrays the my fave Naschy film HOR- bodies, blasphemy, a man who in the film acts as they are. This pisses most people off ROR RISES FROM THE saves the day and even a nice strikes you as because they cannot handle brutality that TOMB. When I heard that she inquisition move the nubile nun ridiculous or isn’t stylized. What is cheap exploitation was in an XXX Franco film bodies groping around the campy, and then? Is it realistic portrayals of violence that with Lina Romay I thought that screen. you can’t help makes you consider yourself and ones I was dreaming. Turns out I but make a around you, or is it stylized violence that was, as all the Emma Cohen INTIMATE CONFES- witty com- entertains? scenes are cut with porn actress SIONS OF AN EXHIBI- ment out loud It’s strength relies on the portrayal of human doubles, although Romay does TIONIST (1983) for everyone nature – the true sense of brutality towards all her own “stunts’ (one of her Lina Romay decided to change to enjoy. Well, others, how the addition of life can some- most famous remarks is that her on screen name to Candy what if a times bring she thinks that Coster for the nice string of movie was so immeasurable only a true actress early to late eighties porn films bad that the tragedy, and will participate in all facets of a role). in which she participated in behind the camera only way you how vicious cir- Emma is still great though, with with boyfriend Jess. This film is one of the most could endure cle will travels many nude scenes; and the creepy famous as it has a nice porno continuity to it, watching it throughout the black magic porn mirror scenes are LOTS of sex (softcore that perks into penetration was to spend the entire 2 hours making fun of galaxy. very cool. now and then), lots of Romay and her friends, and the movie? This is the idea behind the TV Romay in a nice blonde bobbed wig (her new sig- series created by Joel Hodgson in 1988, And finally…Jess BARBED WIRE DOLLS nature for her eighties fuck films). “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” Franco’s “Erotica”: (1975) Originally airing on a local cable This is well known as Franco’s LULU’S BUTTONHOLE (1986) station in Minneapolis, by the second season Last time around I “remake” of his popular 99 Again and again I will bring a film to attention as the series was picked up by Comedy Central discussed the ins and WOMEN, but not as slick – which we are bombarded with the shit that theatres and in the states and by season nine, it moved to outs of Jess/Jesus means, in Eurotrash terms, better, the new release racks have to offer. Romay has a the Sci-Fi Channel. The background story is Franco and his film- and with Lina Romay instead of talking asshole that puckers and stretches out the that the evil Dr. Forrester decided that the best making obsession Rosalba Neri. The tortures are very dialogue, which likes to be shut up with an way to rule the world would be to subject which culminated in brutal, the sex scenes very graphic Academy Award Oscar statue. Nothing like hear- humanity to a movie so bad it would sap their a quiver of films with some peeks of hardcore, and the ing a girl’s asshole speak Spanish – only to get wills. To test his experiment, he sent Joel the making him one of undoing plot of the film revolves muffled (mmpphghhfff). janitor into space where, on the Satellite of the most prolific filmmakers of all time. I looked around getting girls tied to electric racks (or ses- Love, he is forced to watch movies like at a few of his most famous films; some of them sioning each other) which gives the film an apoc- Rocketship X-M, The Amazing Colossal Man, downright nasty, some of them pieces of art. alyptic quality appreciated by the few who like and the infamous Manos: The Hands of Fate Franco was also WELL known for his erotic films, good garbage that’s easily digested. Franco knew every week, while Dr. Forrester monitors his a lot of which partook in the pleasures of XXX the possibilities left out in 99 WOMEN and took mind. with lots of nice obsessive drawn out hairy vaginal Naturally, any “M.A.S.H.” fan shots, writhing, and soft to hardcore fuck shot knows that the best way to avoid insanity in a manipulation. My utmost favourite films of ghastly situation is to make with the yuk- Franco’s have got to be his horror films, but I have yuks, and in this, MST3K succeeds brilliant- a pretty healthy appreciation for his porn and soft- ly. The first thing Joel does when he gets into core film efforts. One major reason for my inter- space is to create a posse of sassy robots (pup- est in the “erotic” films of Franco has mostly to do pets) to keep him company. When the crew with Lina Romay. Like the perfect fanboy, I fol- gets “movie sign” from the satellite, Joel, lowed the career of Franco life partner Romay Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo are forced to right from her early conception in the film indus- scramble to the on-board movie theater (pre- try in the early seventies, directly following at the sumably because the oxygen is being sucked heels of the legendary Soledad Miranda who was out of the rest of the ship) and the hilarity the Franco favourite until her untimely death. begins in earnest. You don’t need to know how Joel I’ve made up a small list of favourite Jess Franco was replaced by Mike, or that the show won a skin flicks: Peabody Award, or that MST3K fans are called MST-ies. All you need to know is that 99 WOMEN (1968) in 1996 Universal produced Mystery Science An earlier effort from Franco in the direct sleaze Theater 3000: The Movie, essentially a deluxe department, even though he had already had lots episode for the silver screen. In it, Mike and of sleazier horror films under his belt at the time. the bots take shots at the 1995 picture This A brazen dive into the world of the women’s camp Island Earth. What makes this episode differ- film that is ridden by the almighty gorgeous ent from a normal MST3K episode is that, Rosalba Neri (Franco really knows how to show comparatively, the movie isn’t really all that her skin here in the heyday of her youth) and oper- bad. Oh, it’s bad, but it’s not what I would call ated by Inspector Clouseau opponent Herbert MST3K bad. It’s not The Killer Shrews or Lom in one of his only real Eurotrash appear- Giant Spider Invasion bad. Also, the movie is ances. The film lacks the intense X appeal of his actually shorter than a typical episode of the later films as the film world loosened the leash on series. On the TV show, the crew is allowed a the porn genre, but spouts fine quality utilized few breaks during the movie where they per- from a modest budget. form little skits and we get to see what life is like on the Satellite of Love. The movie has JUSTINE (1968) them too, they’re just not as common. Franco’s take on the classic Marquis de Sade story Detractors of MST3K can’t under- is a perennial fave even among students of Sade. stand why anyone would want to watch others The story is almost directly taken from the book make fun of a movie when you could just do (althougb it’s hard to stuff in all the harsh details) that on your own. The difference between and you genuinely get a feel for the period. The Mike and the bots wisecracking This Island Almighty personality Klaus Kinski plays the role Earth and the clown behind you when you of the Marquis – telling the story as Jack Palance saw Punch Drunk Love is that these guys (himself) plays the last abuser before the tragic… have writers, and they’re hilarious. All my oh shit… happy ending(?). explanations could never do justice to the experience, so just go check it out (for maxi- THE BARE BREASTED COUNTESS mum results, view with friends) with an open (1973) mind, and if you like what you see move on to This has to be the most famous of the Franco hard- the 30 plus episodes available on DVD and core horror films. Instead of the traditional throat, VHS. we have cock-sucking by Lina Romay in an early Toren McBoren MacBin role showing you what she’s really got. There is another version that pokes around in the collector world that expurgates the hardcore scenes, but 27 War Puzzle Page!! First person to solve both wins a copy of Sll-Skanadian Club 4 from stomp Records Show your ugly face at the Nerve Office: 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, Mon-Fri 10am- 5pm ‘ish...

by Dan Scum CROSSWORD Across 1. Flying saucer 4. The “Toolman” Taylor 7. Ear part? 10. Taboo 12. Popular machine gun 13. _____Batar, Mongolia 14. Grossly overweight 16. Phone number type (abbr.) 17. Military bungling 18. run____(out of control) 20. Not ours but…. 22. Strike with force 23. Heart valve 24. Talkative 25. Japanese earthquake site also known for best beef 26. Middle East Man 27. War survivor 28 “_____ the bombs and let it burn” 4. Key US ally in taking down 36. Smidgen 32. White woman(Punjabi) the axis of evil 39. Chevy affiliate 33. Calendar abbreviation 5. Verb ending 40. Early B.C. Rich logo 34. Weapon of mass destruction 6. Something you should learn 41. French island 35. “______fire,men!” from 42. Military trumpet tribute about stealth than 36. Popular Scottish name 7. Santa_____, CA 43. Shrink wrap name killing, hence the title. 37. Thicke or Alda 8. Lummoxes 45. Kingly address There are pure run 38. Crazy bird? 9. Gabe from Gob’s other band 47. In shape 11. FBI’s Public Enemy #1 49. Plead shamelessly and gun levels, but 40. Great White LP “Once_____ twice shy” 13. World sanctioning body 51. TV broadcasting frequency you have to rely on 43. Clair 15. Give off 52. Adversary brains and not 44. Saline 17. Croat’s enemy 53. Fuck the World! American muscle to 45. Axis of evil’s 1st name 19. Van hockey enemy survive. Sam has 46. Take back briefly 21. Owl’s warning 22. Divide equally plenty of crazy moves 47. Events at Kuwaiti oil wells 48. ______Wan Kenobi amongst all that help him along the 50. Kill 24. Farmer’s bounty w a y, wall jump s, rap - 54. Old Iraqi enemy 26. Gone by pel shooting, split 55. VCR button 27. Ludwig- jumps Van Dammage 56. Felled by a bullet Beethoven connec- tion style and other cool 57. X 58. Psyche component 29. Bush or Hussein, tricks. Oh, and you can e.g. use host ages as meat 59. A_____ good men 30. Quebec Mohawk Indian Splinter Cell shields, how fuckin mint is that? The game features 10 lev - 31. “The____is Developer: Ubi soft Down mightier than the els varying in dif ficulty and look all the Publisher: Ubi soft 1. Crazy 8’s variation sword” way from CIA headquarters to the Platform: PC 2. Pocket watch accessory 33. An abundance to street s of China. SC is lot s of fun, its 3. Metallica song about war come Rating: Teen one of those games that you will con - Web: splintercell.com st antly keep inst alling every few months just like Max Payne. Tom Clancy s S plinter Cell. What the fuck you want WORD SEARCH S plinter Cell is one of the greatest me to say? I did introduce this game in games released for the PC, period. vagina melvin George W. Feb and went over it s story , so I aint pussy mud flaps stinky mitt Adler Floyd gonna repeat myself. This game almost clam sausage wallet cockpit has it all. My only gripe is the lack of beaver dinner roll devil’s hole Eye Candy: 5 guns and the missing feature of being cunt saloon doors ponchita Tunes: 4 trim flesh tuxedo bearded clam able to shoot host ages in the head as Gameplay: 5 cooch opposed to just knockin them out. I cooter Chill Factor: 4.5 want to be able to fuckin execute every bush Verdict: This is classic game. last mother-fucker blah blah mound blah, anyway . Sam Fisher only has snatch twat two guns to choose from, a pistol and box the 5.56mm Sc- grassy 20K AR assault knoll rifle, but there is poontang an abundance of cookie flower other cool gadg - Slurpy et s (sticky cam - pink taco eras, body muff shockers, lock dick mit- picks and more) ten nookie and moves. If the honey developers only pot threw in a shot - pink taco gun, this would wombs- be a perfect day carpet game, ah well. man in S plinter the canoe Cell is more money- maker

28 Mafioso Directed by Michael Raven Starring Sydnee Steele and Herschel Savage

I like porn that watches like a movie. This flick has it all: Sex, organized crime, hard drugs, killing, blackmail, deceit, sex, Illustrations by Miss intentively. guns, more sex…. It also one thing that Dexter Tex: I don’t think that’s a word, intentively…. Ainsworth: We went, and it was me, Burger, Lefty, Mike, and most porn movies don’t have: A pretty TexAss: It’s a Monday Fatty… and there was this retarded guy there with his brother. decent plot. This is an actual MOVIE, night. Armed with a dic- He was a very retarded man, y’know… a real mongo… and he close to being of the same caliber as taphone, an Ainsworth and lies on stage to get a dance with a two some of the crap that Hollywood is our trusty chaffeur, dollar bill in his mouth… we had two sticking in theatres these days. Well… Cowboy Bob, we dollar bills back then... and when the embarked on yet another stripper gets there… he reaches up and not that close, but certainly more peeler joint road trip. does the ole ‘grab grab grab’ ...and they clever than any episode of V.I.P. The Destination: T-barz, Surrey. didn’t want to kick him out, cuz he’s a sex scenes are pretty well placed and Dexter: We took quite pos- Down’s Syndrome boy, but he was doing worked into the plot and the girls are sibly the longest route ever it a bit much and so they move him out. hot. Many porno regulars star in this to get there too. Oh, and I was super moody and made the whole Unfortunately, that was me after a few hour and a half really fun. That’s sarcasm by the way. drinks…. I got a two dollar bill in MY film, as actual actors and extras, and surprisingly don’t get naked Tex: Apparently it should’ve taken twenty-five to thirty min- mouth on stage and I go ‘oink oink’...and (a great thing in the case of Mike Hornet, the last thing anyone utes…. the next thing I knooooow… I took a needs to see is a balding old man having sex). Sydnee Steele Cowboy Bob: Dude, you gave me good punch and I get shoved down and out the back doorway… ‘stars’ in the flick, but only really appears for one sex scene and terrible directions…. landed in a garbage can and I laid there for a while. Then and some plot development. Despite her rather grotesque man-face, Tex: They were fine directions, they kicked my friends out and then we went out looking for goddamnit! marijuana…. I find the sight of her taking it from behind quite arousing. This Dex: ...if we had been taking the Dex: Are you sure you didn’t rip that story out of one of the is the kind of movie you watch when she wants to watch skytrain. Revenge of the Nerds movies? Sopranos and you wanna see humping. TexAss Approved. Tex: Yeah, actually... I even called Tex: The main thing to note about T-barz: it is loud. So loud that and asked and everything… they it hurt my ears with so much rap music. A little dingy, a little said it was by the terminal, so I pret- dodgy, but all in all, a good place to get a drink and see naked Dripping Fuckin’ Wet ty much picked the direction I ladies. Directed by Tabitha Stevens thought it was in and made up the Dex: Tex desperately needed to get drunk and by the looks of Starring: Tabitha Stevens, Daisy Chain, Allysin Embers, Shelbee route based on where I figured the it, so did I. Myne, Charlene Aspen, and Jezeree. sky train ended up. It all made sense in my head. Tex: They have pretty good drink spe- Bob: Well, that didn’t fuckin’ help much. cials there, so that’s a plus in their Dex: We went to nowhere first. We came from Not- favour. The stage is really high up, and After spending most of my time in Vancouver… from To-Surrey, but the wrong way has no ladder on the DJ side. They have front of the T.V. watching “Shock and Bob: We took the long route ALL they way AROUND Surrey a really fat DJ and it was quite amusing Awe Friday” on CBC, I thought it was to get there. watching him clamber on and off the time that I saw some pornography. Tex: It made for a good, buddy bonding road trip though. stage, awkwardly. Right? Dex: Too much rap music though…. This first film did not contain as many Bob: Don’t touch me, dude. Tex: Eventually little Miss Dexter got explosions as it did eruptions, which Dex: Then the really funny part was when we made Tex buy to the point where she needed to talk to were a refreshing change of pace. This us all candy and get directions at a gas station and he some- complete strangers. She randomly got movie jumps right into the action. how managed to get the wrong directions again… eventual- up, grabbed my tape recorder and went Opening with a large dildo being thrust ly we to ‘interview’ these young punks sitting had to by the stage. She been gone a while but into a dripping wet cunt offers a glimpse of call seemed to be having fun and getting things to come. Tabitha Stevens is the star the good material. These guys were all get- in this film, not only in front of the camera, bar ting excited that a girl was talking to them in a strip joint I guess, but also behind it. Stevens produced, direct- and cuz they were REALLY into her and the dictaphone. I eventu- ed, and wrote this entertaining flick. ally went to check on her… she was swaying drunkenly…. Dex: Yeah, this is where I get embarrassed… it was a good What is great about this film is that it is very personable. The interview and I was getting funny stuff…. stars address the viewer on a one to one basis explaining what really gets Tex: Until I came over and asked, “is that thing on?” them hot. Shelbee Myne is quoted saying, “You know what makes me drip- Dex: I said “Yes! Look, the light is on…” Then on closer ping wet? It’s when I’m in the bathroom, and I’m taking a bath and my hus- inspection, I had just hit play and no such light was on. band comes in, pulls me out of the bathtub, bends me over and takes his nice Immediately the entire interview was forgotten and I stumbled ask. Oh and he also wrote the address down off. hard cock and shoves it straight in my ass, there’s nothing better than that.” I wrong. It could’ve taken us days…. Tex: All I caught was that they were from some tiny American thought it was nice that these ladies really shared what was on their minds, Tex: Fine, I feel like an ass. backwater town and had come up here cuz it was one of their which gave a glimpse into their personalities. I felt that I really made a connec- Ainsworth: I made rapping like the kids like 19th birthdays…. tion with these girls, the way the Busby Berkley pin-ups did with their audience so these days to make the time pass Dex: That’s about all I can recall from it… long ago. Another great thing about this film is that you get to see some hot lesbian slower…’you’re getting with me and my I’m a bad interviewer…. whole crew of bitchgoddamn that’s what Tex: It was a great attempt though… in the action. Tabitha Stevens and Daisy Chain get it on starting with Chain sucking you gotta do ...the bitch go ...ah ...fuck name of Journalisms. Stevens’ toes. This scene is almost too hot to handle, especially when they begin toe off fuck off fuck off…’ Dex: So then this hot little number, Miss fucking. Dex: I was nervous. Surrey scares Naked from Russia or something, came on Max Crown me, and so does Ainsworth and his wearing a navy uniform and these cool ‘rapping’. sunglasses that made her look Tex: We parked in back and it mysterious… until she got naked…. Private Geographic was incredibly seedy and dark, Tex: Stevie was dancing there too. She’s the kind of alley you get shot always a favorite of mine. She’s pure tal- Private has been making high quality films that are in a in and no one ever finds ent and beauty. Then she felt the need to league of their own for years now. Many of their films have your body. make fun of my stupid drunkenness from won awards including highest elevation fucking, and first Ainsworth: This all up on stage. I didn’t quite get it, but I reminds of the time I knew it was time to leave…. cumshot in zero gravity. Private Geographic offers exotic world- got punched out in Ainsworth: Do you have any glue for my finger? …it’s infect- ly surroundings and the people who fuck in them. This film is a a stripper joint ed, I think. compilation of some of the most beautiful places in the world, when I was Dex: I do! I constantly carry around Elmer’s school glue. which at times reminds me of the travel videos that they used to underage. Ainworth: Really? show in my travel agent’s waiting room, but with fucking. I’m Dex: I’m Dex: You need it almost 24 hours a day, every day of the year, listen- 364 days. usually a stickler for plot, but with the time, effort, and money put ing Bob: Did you eat glue as a kid, too? into these scenes, who cares? Hot scenes include an orgy of about Dex: Yeah…. fourteen people on board a boat off of the shores of Brazil and a Hawaiian lesbian scene in front of a Tex: Glue or paste? gorgeous waterfall by Bill Wright. There’s a threesome while on safari in South Africa, sex on the beach Dex: Glue, paste, I’ll eat anything that’s white and creamy. in Australia and another threesome in the sands of Egypt.. Haha. Dexter’s drunk. Stop tape recording me now!

Next month is the annual sex issue so be sure to see reviews of the old, new, and classic films in our porn review bonanza. Max Crown

29 30 Nerve Classifieds [email protected] Phone/Fax: 604-734-1611

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