PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 #11 www.razorcake.com

Sean, the co-founder of Razorcake, and I are best friends. We lived Totally legit. The state is more involved with registering a vehicle. and worked together for around a year and a half in a small apartment and When it came to the rings, instead of fretting over carats, a friend of never even got close to yelling at one another. Then he left. I’m not pissed theirs made them, special. The simple silver bands were a Navajo design or jilted. He left to move in with his fiancée, now wife, Felizon. of a staircase that looped around, up and down, signifying that if you’re If people I like but don’t know very well ask me what Razorcake’s feeling down, you just flip it over, and you’re up. Everything, if you hang about, I tend to squint an eye a bit and rub the back of my neck before on with a decent attitude, can work out in the end. answering. “It’s got a lot about loud or spastic music that usually doesn’t The cake was from the bakery where Felizon’s mom, Corazon, get a lot of exposure. And we try to cover other parts of the underground, worked. too, like writers and filmmakers and comics.” This magazine is our tether The pavilion – an old wood structure with campers off to the side – between the “real world” and the life we want to live. It’s a reflection, was on the beach. It cost thirty-five dollars, which was paid to a man spearheaded by a couple of dudes who really don’t like how the dominant whose chickens ran around on the grass. culture works and find so much worth and vitality in the cracks of our I was the “official” wedding photographer. Almost everyone there culture. was ready to take pictures. (One of the most memorable quotes of the Isn’t a magazine just a bunch of words and pictures? night was when Corazon proclaimed, “Oooh, plenty camera.”) Ms. Pants No, not quite. Sean and I are both in our thirties and the longer we DJ’d, filling the air and playing CDs with songs that didn’t have “fuck” in plug away at Razorcake, the more starkly obvious our personal rebellion is any real obvious place. becoming when we look at people our ages going in such different At the center of it all were Sean and Felizon; a bit nervous, beaming. directions. We’re so far away from the two point five kids, house, SUV, In the eight years they’ve been together, it was the first time I’d ever seen picket fence mentality, but it’s more than that. It’s not just a negation of all them kiss. that stuff, but building something else. And it got me to thinking. We do what we do, not out of any spite, but It’s tougher when traditional culture’s breathing hard down the back we’ve found what works extremely well for us. It makes us happy. It of your neck and attempting to order how you should act in a specific makes us creative. It makes us not hate ourselves. It makes us question situation. pretty much everything – especially rites of passage that society as a Sean and Felizon’s wedding was rad because they looked at it whole holds dear. But here’s the thing. There’s no one single time when carefully and split everything down. you have to put your own wrists out and put the cuffs on yourself. I swear I’ve been to no shortage of weddings that made me feel like I was in a it. It takes effort and time and energy, but you know what? Being mall. Everything was pre-processed: DJs playing “YMCA”; a bunch of hundreds of miles away on a tropical island, watching my best friend be people who had never met one another and probably wouldn’t like each bashful by all the attention, surrounded by people who deeply care about other anyway, in a big, rented hall; and cake whose frosting looked like it him, on an occasion that was thoughtful (and so happened to be came from an expensive tube of toothpaste. Those things bum me out. iconoclastic) made me realize, yeah. Yeah. This is why we do what we do. Sean’s not religious, so his brother hopped on the internet, filled out a Put some meaning to this whole thing called life when it counts the form, and voilá, when they went to register with the state of Hawaii, most. Reverend Scott Carswell was listed as a legitimate wedding executor. -Todd AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #12 • Make ads the right size and orientation. December 1st, 2002 • We don’t reserve ad space. AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #13 • We will not accept electronic ad files. Hard February 1st, 2002 copy only. EMAIL OR MAIL US FOR THE RATES • Send good laser prints for the ads. Use solely black ink on all art. Do not output your ad on AD SIZES a bubble jet printer even if it looks black and • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. white. It will reproduce like complete shit when • Half page, 7.5” wide, 5” tall. it goes to an offset printer. • Quarter page, 3.75” wide, 5” tall. • All photos must be halftoned using a 85 LPI • Sixth page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. (85 line screen). • If you feel the need for us to invoice you, • Please make all checks out to Razorcake. understand that your ad won't run until we have the cash on hand, so make those ADVERTISING STIPULATIONS arrangements before the ad deadline. • All ads are black and white. • If any of this is fuzzy, we'll explain it. • Sean • Todd • • Rich Mackin • Nardwuar • • Designated Dale • • Rhythm Chicken • Everyone else can be reached c/o Razorcake.

Razorcake and razorcak.com are massaged and squooshed into place by: Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Felizon Vidad, Megan Pants, ktspin, and Skinny Dan. I like to play jax - and my favorite candy is tootsie pops... I get very lonely listening to my Thank you list: neighbors do it. Supersonic thanks to Dan Monick (www.dmonick.com) for the cover shot of Lane (Lucinda was the only lady who ever sent in an unsolictied photo for the punk rock girl page who wasn’t directly affiliated headlocking Billy and the pic in Ben’s column; you-fucking-rule thanks to Julia Smut with a business. She lives in Phoenix.) for help on the cover; oh-no,-Christians-in-Razorcake thanks to Bob Cantu for the White Stripes pics and Randy Iwata for the ever-present Nardwuar technical help; holy-fucking-shit thanks to Donofthedead for his record reviews although he underwent back surgery; welcome-to-the-fold thanks to Aphid Peewit and Janaka Stucky for their reviews; super-Kat- alistic thanks to Ms. Jetson for her Rolling Blackouts interview and pics; wiggly hair thanks to Chris Z. for piping in; truckin’-on-with- plasma,-blood,-and-sperm thanks to Rev. Nørb for his advice column; pizza-and-soda thanks to Harmonee, Stacy, Sara, and Dale for helping out at the slave labor insert stuffing party (but, uh, fuck you Dale); you’re-a-big-sucker thanks to Felizon for marrying Sean; projectile-vomit-and-hazard-ass-poo congratulations to Andy and Jen - Retodd is now an uncle to a kid named Trevor. Issue #11, Dec. 2002/Jan. 2003

Cutting. Tasty. www.razorcake.com and PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 Table of Contents

***** The Rhythm Chicken ...... The Dinghole Reports ...... pg. 4 Art ...... Lil’ Beez and the Misfinks ...... pg. 7 Maddy ...... Shiftless When Idle ...... pg. 8 Sean Carswell ...... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...... pg. 10 Designated Dale ...... I’m Against It ...... pg. 14 Ayn Imperato ...... 94103 ...... pg. 16 Rich Mackin ...... The Twisted Balloon ...... pg. 18 Money ...... Lazy Mick ...... pg. 20 Ben Weasel...... That Iron String ...... pg. 22 Gary Hornberger ...... Squeeze My Horn ...... pg. 24 Rev. Nørb ...... Love, Nørb ...... pg. 26 Nardwuar The Human Serviette ...... Who Are You? ...... pg. 32 Felizon Vidad ...... Shark Bait ...... pg. 36 Shawn Granton ...... Quake-O-Phobia ...... pg. 39 ***** Jewws ...... Interview by Megan Pants ...... pg. 40 Dillinger Four ...... Interview by ReTodd ...... pg. 48 Rolling Blackouts ...... Interview by Kat Jetson & Chris Z...... pg. 56 Blazing Haley ...... Interview by Designated Dale and ReTodd ...... pg. 60 ***** Dan Monick ...... Don’t Fall In ...... pg. 67 Record Reviews ...... Toby’s Drooling ...... pg. 68 Zine Reviews ...... 30-year-olds Going to Prom ...... pg. 88 Book Reviews ...... Fighting Monkeys ...... pg. 94 Video Reviews ...... Fresh, Curled Turd ...... pg. 95 Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the U.S. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for every- one else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. He asked, “Can you play ‘Unchained Melody’?” I answered, “Sure thing, Vern!” and pulled on the Chicken head. Vern broke out laughing and the wedding party looked on with great interest. The Dinghole Reports tender, etc... However, I have also first gig of my next Milwaukee with questions, ending with, “What By the Rhythm Chicken played other monumental gigs that tour. He brought a photographer. do YOU wanna be when you grow (commentary by Francis Funyuns) indirectly have reached far more They were both officially drafted up?” The lad gestured to the [edited by Dr. Sicnarf] than 30,000 people. Way before the and deputized into the Chicken’s Rhythm Chicken and replied, Rally Rabbit was a glimmer in Roadie Army. He and his lady pho- “Nothing like that!” The fourth gig BROKEN GLASS AND RAZOR- some corporate bigwig’s eye, The tographer were middle-aged, well was one very dear to my heart, on WIRE!!! I’m me again! OOOOOH Rhythm Chicken was spreading his dressed, and well mannered. I was the front porch of the old aban- YEAH! RUCKUS RUCKUS holy word of ruckus to the masses. wearing my Timebomb Tom shirt doned Pabst brewery (the blood of RUCKUS! This brings us to today’s Dinghole (Time Bomb 3:16), my spiky punk Christ is now being brewed within (You were really scaring us with Reports, tales from the Rhythm rock belt, and my “Auschwitz” the Miller Brewing complex a few that Rally Rabbit shit, Mr. Chicken! Chicken’s media attacks! shoes. Mr. Journalist seemed gen- blocks over). The neighborhood is –F.F.) uinely interested and intrigued by quite dead. While rockin’ out my Dinghole Report #22: Stop the the whole Rhythm Chicken thing. divine ruckus, I happened to notice [It was definitely a potentially dan- Presses, Here’s the Ruckus! Miss Photographer did not. He was two cars actually happened to pass gerous identity crisis. I mean, what (Rhythm Chicken sightings #152 to always anxious to help grab the by! While tearing down afterwards, would happen to all of your fans #155 ) snare or kick drum. She seemed I said, “Cool! Two cars saw the and followers led astray in your It all began when a friend of a somewhat hesitant to grab my show!” Mr. Journalist corrected me corporate-laced tirades? What friend worked for a Milwaukee blood, cum, beer, spit, piss, sweat, by saying how it was only one car would happen if the waves of artsy alternative publication called vomit, and booger encrusted gig that drove by twice! He seemed to ruckus you have started were the Milwaukee Orbit. He caught rug. Heh! The first gig was right think the gig was a flop. I knew diminished to mere ripples of com- wind that the Rhythm Chicken had inside a little bus stop shelter at otherwise. At the tour’s end I motion? –Dr. S.] recently moved to town and having Oklahoma and Kinnickinnic in dropped of the newly-seasoned (Worse yet, what would Freddy K seen the Chicken rock his ruckus Milwaukee’s south side. The peo- roadies at their car. Mr. Journalist have said? –F.F.) outside of a Guitar Wolf show in ple in the rickety shelter decided to thanked me for the exciting after- Green Bay, he wanted to do an wait OUTSIDE for the bus. Cars noon. Miss Photographer got into [And what if your fanbase were to interview. It turned out quite well honked. Pedestrians hollered. It their car without saying a word. look elsewhere for their aesthetic and had a photo of the Tower was a fairly run-of-the-mill ruckus God, I love this shit! Two weeks satisfaction, say to Gary Coleman, Chicken Farm Liberation Concert. show. The gig ended. While quick- later, the article appeared on the or Big Bird? –Dr. S.] Ruckus O’Reilly was even skank- ly tearing down to move on, some front page of the “State” section of NEVER! I’m the Rhythm Chicken! ing in the background! To make guy in his upper-30s wearing a the Sunday edition (most extensive ME ME ME!!! I bow my head in things even cooler, the interview Dead Kennedys Bedtime for circulation). There was a huge full- shame from that Rally Rabbit was printed on the page opposite of Democracy shirt said calmly and color photo of the Rhythm episode we were all subjected to, a Rev. Rich Mackin interview! quietly, “Nice show, Rhythm Chicken, wings raised skyward, but I’m ME again! Rhythm Weird! So, anyway, a popular jour- Chicken.” After packing up and pounding out his ruckus in front of Chicken forever, forever Chicken nalist from the Milwaukee Journal darting off in my Rooster Roller, a liquor store. This, to me, is punk. Rhythm! RCFFCR!!! Sentinel (Wisconsin’s largest circu- Mr. Journalist got immediately I received phone calls and emails lation newspaper) was desperate swept up in the excitement saying, from stunned family and friends (We’re all glad you’re back, for material to cover so he searched “Wow! What an adrenaline rush! from every corner of the state. Chicken, but there’s one thing I through the hard work that others This feels DANGEROUS!” And Hundreds of thousands of people have to ask. How did it feel to be have done (the Milwaukee Orbit). he’s just a roadie! Miss exposed to my ruckus in press cov- rockin’ out in front of 30,000 peo- He found my interview and decided Photographer seemed unamused. erage. The world is sure looney at ple? How did it feel to have the to “discover” my antics for himself. The next gig was in front of times. (http://www.jsonline.com/ media on its knees? To have that I received an email from Mr. Seigel’s Liquor, kitty-corner from news/metro/aug00/stin- awesome power at your wingtips? Journalist asking if the Rhythm Rushmor Records. Chicken fans col13081200a.asp) –F.F.) Chicken wanted some “major cov- emptied out of the nearby business- es to show their vocal support for (Holy crap! That IS pretty rad! Well, I certainly have played my erage” in the Milwaukee “Urinal” –F.F.) share of low profile gigs: playing Sentinel. To a Wisconsinite, this is the ruckus. A motorist slowed down along rural Wisconsin highways for as big as the USA Today, or even to yell, “Rock on, Rhythm [Excuse me, Mr. Chicken, but those one or two passing cars, playing the Farmers’ Almanac! I jumped at Chicken!” Mr. Journalist was really thousands of people really only saw outside of a ten-year-old’s birthday the opportunity to spread my holy getting pumped up now. He had a still photo and the writing of some party, playing outside of a forty- word of ruckus across the land. I numerous questions which I half- slack-jawed journalist who roadied year-old’s birthday party, playing in already had a substantial apprecia- answered cryptically. I didn’t dare in a tie! I don’t think they really felt my northern woodshed over the tion for Mr. Journalist. He had reveal too much! The third gig was the unyielding power of your phone to people’s answering recently written an amazing human in front of Schulte Poultry in the ruckus. They didn’t actually HEAR machines, playing at the Garret Bay interest piece about Freddy K, Door Walker’s Point neighborhood. Yes, your thunderous rhythm rock. –Dr. boat launch to no one, playing in a County’s Polka King! (http://www. another protest concert! A young S.] jsonline.com/news/State/jul00/stin- boy stopped his bike in confusion tavern ladies room for the other two Just hold your horsy, there, Doc! customers in the bar and the bar- col09070700a.asp). I made elusive to see the show. Mr. Journalist began grilling the little spectator I’ve breached the audio/visual 4 plans to meet Mr. Journalist at the realm of the media as well. I was on recognizable face into the car win- (Oh, like that Vern Nussbaum con- crowd mostly from the New York the news! dow to try to ward off the evil agent cert? –F.F.) area. Vern found out, after a few of anti-ruckus. He asks the pig what drinks, that I had drums in my car. Dinghole Report #23: Ruckus exactly the Rhythm Chicken is [Vern Nussbaum? Who’s Vern Magic was in the air, magical Rhythms on Fox! doing wrong. The fuzz addresses Nussbaum? –Dr. S.] ruckus! He requested a live rhythm (Rhythm Chicken sightings #213 to Mr. Anchorman by name and tells section accompaniment. I was in #218) Dinghole Report #24: Nussbaum him to take his “rabbit” to another is German for “Nut Tree!” total shock. Me, share the stage Last December, I received a mes- district. (Rhythm Chicken sighting #162) with Vern Nussbaum? The world’s greatest lounge singer? Before I sage on my answering machine [Rabbit? –Dr. S.] from the head news anchorman of Hidden deep in the woods, just could reply, my Chicken posse Milwaukee’s Fox station, Fox-6. Mr. Anchorman’s reply, “First of north of Bailey’s Harbor, WI, is the were already hauling in the drums. Mr. Anchorman asked if he and his all, he’s not MY rabbit. Second of Gordon Lodge, a total relic of an The wedding crowd observed the cameraman could tag along on a all, he’s a CHICKEN!” No dice. establishment from the ‘50s or set-up in confusion. Who was join- Chicken tour for a news piece. To We get ousted. The next gig is on ‘60s, straight out of some corndog ing this crazy lounge singer in this help roadie this tour, I drafted the the corner of Locust and Oakland. James Bond film, Connery-era. The remote backwoods lounge straight Mistreater’s very own Christreater. Fans emptied out of Oakland lounge is called the Top Deck and out of Twin Peaks? The drums were Gyros, Subway, Cousin’s, and has a dreamy romantic view over immediately assembled. I took my [The spellchecker is suggesting Atomic Records. Cars honk and Lake Michigan. Here on weekend throne and looked over to Vern. He “Christ eater” again! –Dr. S.] people yell. The media representa- summer nights you will find Vern asked, “Can you play ‘Unchained tives begin to feel the ruckus and Nussbaum entertaining the relative- Melody’?” I answered, “Sure thing, I have this theory that bartenders ly bluehair crowd (bluehair as in make quality roadies. get excited. Through the next three Vern!” and pulled on the Chicken or four gigs, they really begin to elderly, not Manic Panic). Vern head. Vern broke out laughing and (Why is that, Rhythm Chicken? appreciate the absurdity the wedding party –F.F.) and athleticism of being looked on with great Why did Keith Morris do all of the Rhythm Chicken. The interest. We began Nick Drake’s photography? I don’t final tour stop is in playing and Vern was know! Milwaukee’s most famous having great trouble lawn, Cathedral Square, singing through his [Well, Mr. Chicken, the definition where Wisconsin’s troops laughter with my huge of a theory is... –Dr. S.] used to gather and organize chicken ears flapping ENOUGH! BUCKAW!!! Let’s just before going to fight in the away next to him. The say it’s a strong belief, okay?!! Civil War. The city’s place went NUTS! Christmas decorations are RUCKUS! The nest —-silence—- scattered about the square song was “Wipeout!” The crowd hit the All right. Okay, so, Mr. Anchorman as well. The Rhythm Chicken rocks his wings dance floor. People and Mr. Cameraman arrive at my went WILD! The Vern Milwaukee coop. Christreater and I off in front of a huge, 20 ft. tall red teddy bear. Nussbaum/Rhythm meet them outside and go through Chicken duet was the tiring introductions. Mr. Christreater grabs a sign elsewhere in the park and rockin’ the Top Deck’s Anchorman tells me that Mr. dinghole to the limit! Cameraman has a confession for props it next to the Chicken. It reads “Teddy My Chicken posse me. I look at the normal Joe and looked on in disbelief. wonder what this guy I’ve never and his Friends!” The post- tour interview takes place. Vern and I then broke met before could POSSIBLY have out into his balls-out to confess to ME about. Mr. Mr. Anchorman asks the big question, “So why do rockin’ original, “The Cameraman blushes a little and Boogie Man”! This sheepishly says, “This year for you do it?” The Chicken replies, “If I don’t, who song is a total Jerry Lee Halloween...... I went as the Rally Lewis style rocker. Rabbit.” Christreater and I both will?” The news piece aired on a Sunday night. Vern’s fingers and arms look away and struggle to hold in are flailing. The dance the laughter. The world sure is Fox-6 reran the piece a few more times in the follow- floor is full and throb- looney at times! He then attaches a bing. The Chicken ears tiny cordless mic to my collar and ing months after it won Mr. Cameraman a NATIONAL sings, plays piano, runs the drum are flyin’ this way and that. The the wire and transmitter to my belt. machine, downs the cocktails, Top Deck was truly alive with They warn me that everything I say AWARD! (view the actual news- piece at and read the one of the craziest old guys I’ve ruckus more complete and over the zoom off with the news guys fol- ever had the pleasure to watch. top? Just then, the crowd on the lowing close behind. Chris instant- judges’ comments!) I’m sure more than 30,000 Milwaukeans were He’s like a cross between DJ dance floor parts to make way for ly grabs the little mic and says, Lebowitz, Neil Hamburger, Sheriff the final missing element. A 10- “That Mr. Anchorman, what a jerk, exposed to the Chicken’s audio/visual media ruckus. Wiggum, and Mel Bergman! How year-old boy walks up and joins eh?” I start fumbling through the coincidental that he used to live in Vern and me...... AND HE’S tapes in my car looking for the ( I guess it helped that the news pre- the childhood house behind Green JUGGLING THOSE JUGGLING most annoying music to drown out view ads showed Rhythm Chicken Bay’s Rev. Norb. One can almost PINS!!! There on stage, in the wild- our discussion and decide on the ruckus and ran earlier that night excuse the Top Deck’s weak and ly packed Top Deck lounge, were bluegrass version of Madonna’s during the Simpsons. –F.F.) over-priced cocktails (and super Vern Nussbaum, the Rhythm “Material Girl.” Perfect. The first grumpy bartender) simply to enjoy Chicken, and a 10-year-old jug- gig is at another bus stop. People, [Bonkers! You shared a primetime the one-man musical circus that is slot with Homer and Ralph gling boy! I almost fainted! True buses, other motorists and pedestri- VERN NUSSBAUM! A few years ruckus, indeed! ans: instant audience. Mr. Wiggum! –Dr. S.] back, my Chicken posse and I Cameraman struggles to capture Yeah, yeah, these “big media” found ourselves at the piano- [(Amen! –F.F. & Dr. S.)] the guerilla tactics of the set-up and shows really gave me a swollen shaped table directly in front of –The Rhythm Chicken performance. He then captures “the dinghole, but usually it’s the small- Vern, sippin’drinks and crackin’ up bust.” A cop car pulls up. Mr. er more bizarre shows that I enjoy from the show. The Top Deck was Anchorman immediately puts his the most. jam packed with some wedding

I thought about kicking him – figuring that, if this was a fight that I was in, a good kick would settle it. we ran into a friend who smoked us this was exactly the kind of com- A little after midnight, Tina A Box of Shit out, then went back inside with us, ment that I would take to heart. I’d and I finally did head home. We left where he bullied the jukebox by just moved to Atlanta, and it was midtown and cut across Ponce de Everything was fucked dropping three bucks in and play- my first time living in a big city. I Leon Avenue, towards Little Five between Tina and J.D. long before I ing the whole Raw Power album felt kind of green, kind of like I Points, where we both lived. As we came into the picture. They had a (plus a Misfits song with his last should have a small town tattoo on rode down Ponce, Tina said, “Hey, long and sordid history pock- selection). A bar where we got my forehead. Tina took advantage my friend lives on this street. Do marked with too much speed and some dinner and played some air of this in small ways. She’d con me you mind if we stop by his place? I too much coke and too many bad hockey and hung out for a few out of buying cheap beer by calling left some shit at his house that I fights and too many bad breakups. hours, and where she basically for- me a hick or a truck driver, so I’d want to pick it up.” There was Tina had moved to Atlanta just to got her shitty job at Jenny Craig buy something like Newcastle for something about the tone of her get away from J.D. I don’t remem- and I forgot my shitty job at Allied us when it was my turn to buy voice, something too nonchalant. ber where they came from. I should Foods. rounds. Then, Tina would buy us “It’s kinda late,” I said. “Will remember it. Tina told me enough By the time midnight rolled Bud when it was her turn. I learned he still be up?” times, Toledo or South Bend or around, the booze had plastered a quickly. So when she started kid- Tina nodded. “He works Bloomington. I don’t know. I permanent smile on Tina’s face. ding me about my jacket, I just nights. He’s probably just getting remember she was from the Her cheeks were getting pink, and said, “If you want to wear my jack- home.” Midwest and that she’d gone a long she was feeling loose enough to et, just ask. I’ll probably loan it to I figured there was something way just to get away from him. make fun of me for wearing a blue you.” fishy about it. I don’t know. I liked When he showed up in Atlanta, she work jacket with my name stitched “I’m just saying, you got no Tina. I liked hanging out with her. took it as a sign that they should get on it. “That jacket would be cool if sense of style.” She was a good person. But I back together. Things got worse. I you had a name like ‘Moses’ or “I’m just saying, you’re cold always felt like she was up to some- didn’t have anything to do with it. something sewn on your patch,” and you’re trying to con me out of thing. Probably because she usually All I did was give Tina a ride home. she said. “But no. You have to have my jacket.” was. So I figured that she wanted to Actually, I didn’t give her a your real name on there. Why don’t Tina shook her head. “You’re go by her friend’s place to score ride home. I picked her up at Jenny you get them to sew ‘Hello, I’m…’ hopeless,” she said. The jukebox weed or coke or speed, or that I was Craig after my shift, and she talked right above that patch? You could rambled through the Stooges’, “I dropping her off on a booty call. Or me into going to the Highlander – a take your dorkiness to a whole new Need Somebody” for the third time something. But I figured, shit, bar where the bartender gave her level.” that night. By the end of the song, where’s the harm in it? When she free shots and gave me free shots When I’d first started hanging Tina was wearing my jacket. pointed out her friend’s place, I because I was with her; a bar where out with Tina a few months earlier, pulled over and parallel parked. Her friend lived in an old, red brick apartment building. A four- plex. Something that would be called a townhouse now, but was built long before they called apart- ments townhouses. It was actually a nice place, with a little front lawn and big bay windows and the apart- ments themselves all looked big. If not for the neighborhood, it would’ve been a great place to live. The lights were on, so Tina figured her friend was home. “I won’t be long,” she said. “You may as well just wait in the car.” I nodded, half-wondering what Tina was up to. Mostly, though, I didn’t care. I rolled down my window, but the cool night air reminded me that I’d been conned out of my jacket, so I rolled the window back up. The traffic light down the road turned green, and the crosswalk sign chirped its electron- ic song. The first time I’d heard it, a few months earlier, it freaked me out. By this time, though, I’d driven down Ponce enough to know that the big red brick apartment com- plex on the left was a home for the waved back to Tina. She turned and “Jesus, it’s hot in here,” Tina when they were both in high blind, and the crosswalk chirped so took a couple of steps into the said. And it was. As soon as the school. She said that he was “a real the blind folks could know when it room. The skinny guy kept staring temperature dropped below seventy sweet kid” back then. He’d do was safe to cross. During the day- at me. I went back to pounding on outside, the guy downstairs would things like buy her the old toys that time, I’d seen them hanging out on the steering wheel. crank up his heater. And something her parents hadn’t been able to the corner, waiting for the chirp, A few minutes later, Tina about the way the walls were in that afford when Tina was a kid; or he’d then slowly ambling across the six- came out with a big cardboard box old building, and with heat rising make her hemp necklaces; or steal lane city street, tapping their white filled with junk: clothes, an alarm and all, it made my apartment feel flowers from the neighbors garden canes on the smooth painted lines clock, a picture frame, a foot-high like a boiler room. On cold nights, for her. That kind of thing. They’d of the crosswalk. There were no ceramic gnome statue. Stuff like I had to crack open a window. But stuck it out together, on and off, for blind folks out after midnight, that. She put the box in the bed of at least I didn’t have to pay for over four years. But in the end, J.D. though. No one was on Ponce the truck, then joined me in the cab. heating. started dealing coke and getting except a homeless lady sleeping in I turned down the music. “Sorry Tina opened one of my win- way too freaked out about it, argu- the door of a drugstore, and an about that,” she said. “I didn’t think dows and sat on the ledge. I went ing with her all the time, playing all occassional hipster heading for the I’d take so long.” into the kitchen, grabbed a couple kinds of weird and twisted games. Majestic diner. I didn’t have the “It’s nothing,” I said. I started of beers, handed one to her, and sat I’d heard it all before, but I let heart to amuse myself by making up my truck, headed east on Ponce, down on my couch. “Can I ask you Tina keep talking. I felt like, if she fun of the Majestic hipsters, and turned south on Highland. Tina something, Tina?” I said. needed to get it off her chest again, though, because I knew the kind of I didn’t mind being there to listen. food the Majestic served, and I Tina kept going, her loud voice wouldn’t wish that crap on my echoing through the alley outside worst enemy. I stared at the home- I always felt like she was up to something. my apartment. She also told me a less old lady for a bit, but all she story that I hadn’t heard before. She did was lie there and breathe. So I Probably because she usually was. said that J.D. had been really pissed started fishing around my truck for off one night and wanted to hit her, a cassette to listen to. but he turned and punched a win- It took a while. I’d heard and I didn’t say anything. We just “Sure.” dow instead. He broke the glass, everything in the truck too many rolled down the empty city streets. “Why did you leave an alarm then flailed his arm around inside times. I started digging around To break the silence, I said, “That’s clock and a gnome at that guy’s the broken window, ripping out under the seats. I found fifty-three a nice place your friend lives in.” place?” glass and tearing himself up pretty cents and more beer bottle caps “It’s a crappy neigborhood,” “Oh, fucking J.D.,” she said. badly. When he finally calmed than I want to admit, but no music Tina said. And stopped. Tina had a naturally down enough to realize what he that I hadn’t heard a thousand times “I meant it’s a nice building. loud voice. J.D.’s name echoed off was doing, his arm and the window in the past few weeks. I tried the The red brick and all.” the wall of the building across the were a bloody mess. “Then he glove box, feeling that it was futile “You ever notice how all the alley from mine. It gave me enough wanted me to take him to the hos- to search there, but after pulling buildings around here are brick? time to put two and two together. pital, the stupid asshole,” Tina said. everything out and putting it all You ever wonder why that is?” Tina “We just went to your ex- “Can you believe that?” back in, I found a Mudhoney cas- said. boyfriend’s place?” I asked. “Did you take him?” I asked. sette that had somehow wiggled its I had noticed that. I spent most Tina nodded. “I left a box of “No. I wasn’t the dumbass way into the envelope where I kept of my days driving around Atlanta, shit there when I moved out. I’ve who put my hand through a win- my truck’s registration. It’d been delivering food. Following the been trying to get it back for dow.” years since I heard that cassette. I same route. Looking at the same months, but that fucker wouldn’t Tina took a pull off her beer didn’t even remember owning it. buildings all day. Wondering about give it to me. It was stupid. It was- and stared out across the alley. A But there it was in my hands, and all kinds of shit. n’t like that shit was worth any- long silence passed. All the neigh- then it was in the tape player. “It’s because of the Civil thing to anyone but me. He was just bors who Tina had probably woken I surprised myself by knowing War,” Tina said. “The Battle of keeping it to be a dick. He wasn’t up probably had time to go back to all the words to the first couple of Atlanta was fought right on Ponce. even gonna give it back to me sleep. Then, Tina said, “We all songs that played. I got so wrapped After the South lost, some general tonight.” make our own choices, don’t we?” up in it that I didn’t even notice came right back down Ponce and “What made him change his how long Tina had been gone. burned everything to the ground. mind?” A couple of hours later, I Then, “Here Comes Sickness” So when they built it back up, they “You,” Tina said. “I told him walked Tina home. She lived right started to pump out of the speakers. made sure to use something that that you were gonna kick his ass if around the block from me. Oh yeah, I thought, I remember this wouldn’t burn down again.” he fucked with me.” Normally, she would’ve walked song, this amazing drum beat. It “How do you know this?” I I thought back to the skinny there by herself – it was a pretty seemed just right, the perfect music asked. guy in the bay window and Tina safe neighborhood – but I guess she for after midnight on Ponce, just “It just makes sense, doesn’t waving at me. I tried to imagine was worried that J.D. might be me alone in my truck, windows it?” what J.D. must’ve thought I was waiting at her apartment for her. So rolled up to keep out the cool night I looked at Tina. Her face was doing: smiling, waving, and bang- I walked with her and carried her air, a street empty except for the half in shadow, and the shadow was ing on my steering wheel. I laughed box full of shit. J.D. wasn’t waiting homeless and the hipsters, and Tina disappearing as we approached a despite myself. Tina smiled an evil for her at home. No one was. I car- up to something or not in the apart- streetlight. I didn’t say anything. smile. I stopped laughing and said, ried her box inside the apartment, ment to my right, and here comes Tina said, “I also read about it on a “I knew you were up to some- set it on the floor, and said good sickness, rolling down my block. I historical marker back by the thing.” night. As I walked down the stairs, turned it up and pounded against Majestic.” Tina kept smiling, reached Tina said to me, as if it were an my steering wheel, doing my best into her purse, and pulled out a afterthought, “Oh yeah, J.D. will to keep up with Dan Peters’s When we got to Tina’s apart- quarter bag. “I grabbed this from probably try to get back at you for drums, and not keeping up. And as ment, she didn’t feel like going J.D., too. I figure he owed it to me.” this. But I wouldn’t worry about I banged away on the steering home. She asked me if I had any Tina got up from the window, it.” wheel, I caught a glimpse of some- beer at my place. I did. I drove walked over to the cardboard box thing out of the corner of my right around the block and parked in that I used as an end table, lifted it, As I drove my delivery truck eye. It was Tina standing in the bay front of another old, red brick and took the bong out from under- around the next day, I had nothing window of the bottom left apart- apartment building. Not as nice as neath it. We smoked out, then Tina better to do than think. I thought ment, waving to me. She smiled. A the one on Ponce, but in a better went back to her seat on the win- about the night before and decided skinny guy stood next to her, star- neighborhood. Tina and I walked dow ledge. She started telling me that Tina had planned it all out. ing out the window, too, but defi- into the building and up to my more about her relationship with She’d talked me into picking her up nitely not waving. I smiled and third-floor studio apartment. J.D., about how they’d dated back from work and taking 11 her to the Highlander just so that it again. As I got further from the bar, Then, he did something. He ing the hell out of J.D. with it, just would be convenient to stop by the sounds of jukebox and the bar said, “Don’t hit me.” because I could. I thought about a J.D.’s on the way home. She games and the barroom chatter “Okay,” I said, but didn’t lot of things: about feeling sorry for conned me out of my jacket and faded away, but things didn’t get lower my fists. He took his hands the guy for chickening out of jump- wore it into J.D.’s apartment, so quiet. Cars still raced down Monroe off his head, and, for the first time, ing me; about making him buy me that my name on my name patch Avenue; the city in general still I recognized that it was J.D. I also a shot for putting me through this; was flashing in front of his face, buzzed with life. I checked my noticed a metal pipe, about a foot about telling him what a pitiful guy making him think that I was proba- watch to make sure that I wasn’t and a half long, laying on the he was; about getting mad at Tina bly dating Tina. She talked me into gonna miss my bus. Just as I ground next to him. “Is that your for playing both J.D. and me so that late night beers at my place so that glanced at my wrist, I heard the pipe, J.D.?” I asked. He nodded. we’d be in this situation; about she’d have a place to hide out if stomp of three flat-footed steps “You weren’t planning on sneaking whether J.D. would try this again. J.D. decided to come back after her behind me. I whipped around on up behind me and hitting me with About all of it. I really had no idea that night. She planned everything. my toes and raised my fists, not it, were you?” I said, sounding way what to do. And, if I didn’t do I even wondered if she’d planted thinking, just glimpsing a body too much like a high school dean. something quick, I was gonna miss the Mudhoney tape, just to make coming towards me and recogniz- “Yes,” J.D. said. the last bus home. sure I was banging on the steering ing that I didn’t recognize the body, Gotta give him credit for his I reached down and put my wheel. so I swung a punch in its general honesty, I decided. I’m gonna kick hand on the back of J.D.’s neck. It Then, I decided I was being direction. The body wasn’t close him in the head if he gets anywhere wasn’t a hostile move, and it wasn’t paranoid. enough for me to hit, but by the near that metal pipe, I also decided. a comforting one. It was something I saw Tina that day, though. that I learned from dogs. I knew The Jenny Craig where she worked that, if you can get your hand was on my route. I dropped off a behind a dog’s neck, you can pin bunch of frozen meals for her. She him before he can attack you. At met me in the back of the store and this point, I was thinking of J.D. as started chatting with me. I was a dog – a wimpering little cur – so upset with her, though, and didn’t it all made sense in my mind. I put feel much like chatting. I just said, a little weight on his neck, reached “You set me up last night.” under him, and picked up the metal And Tina, typical Tina, just pipe. He didn’t move. I leaned said, “Yeah. So?” down to talk to him. “Do me a favor,” I said. “Don’t try to jump Over the next few weeks, me again, okay?” whenever I made my Jenny Craig He nodded. visit and thought about it, I’d ask “In fact, just forget that you Tina about J.D. I’d mostly ask little know me,” I said. “If you ever see things, like, “Does he have a gun?” me again, just pretend that we’re or “Is he still dealing coke?” Since strangers. Okay?” I thought about it Tina said “no” to both of those for a split second, then added, “And questions, I thought less and less do the same for Tina.” about J.D. J.D. nodded so slightly that I Occasionally, I’d see him could barely feel his neck muscles around town, too. He never said move, but that was enough for me. anything to me or even acknowl- I let go of him. He didn’t move. I edged me, but seeing him still made took a few backwards steps, watch- me feel uneasy. Not so uneasy that ing J.D. When it was clear that he I stopped going to the Highlander wasn’t gonna jump me again, I with Tina; I kept doing that. Just turned and walked to the bus stop. uneasy enough to keep him in I didn’t look back at J.D. mind. again. I figured that, if he was too scared to jump me when he had the It took about a month for J.D. weapon, he damn sure wasn’t to come after me. When he did, gonna jump me when I had the Tina wasn’t even around. weapon. Let’s face it, the guy had It was late on a Saturday night. just learned a hard lesson about A friend of mine and I had just what a wuss he really was. And that smoked out in the back parking lot was another reason why I didn’t of the Highlander. My friend head- want to look at him again: seeing ed back to the bar. I was about to him walking back to his car all miss the last bus of the night, so I defeated would be too sad. started making my way to the bus I ditched the metal pipe in a stop. As I walked across the dark, trash can by the bus stop. I sat on nearly-empty parking lot, I heard a the corner of 8th and Monroe, lis- car door slam shut. I turned to look tening to the late-night buzz of the for the car, but didn’t see anyone. I time I threw my second punch, the J.D. didn’t move, though. He just city – this city that had once been took a few more steps, glancing other guy was on the ground. squatted in a damn near fetal posi- burned to the ground – and I around. On the edge of the west I was confused. I knew I did- tion in front of me. “Why would thought about the cruel and violent side of the parking lot was a steep n’t hit him. He didn’t say a word. you do something like that?” I world resonating and vibrating like hill covered in kudzu vines and red He just squatted down in front of asked. Tina’s voice bouncing off an alley clay. A row of shrubs lined the spot me and covered his head with his “‘Cause you’re fucking my wall. I thought about the one thing where the bottom of the hill met the hands. I thought about kicking him girlfriend,” he said. Tina said in a voice soft enough to edge of the parking lot. I thought I – figuring that, if this was a fight I thought about telling him not echo: we all make our own saw something move in the shrubs, that I was in, a good kick would that Tina wasn’t his girlfriend and choices, don’t we? so I stopped again and stared. The settle it. But I wasn’t convinced that I wasn’t fucking her, anyway. Less than a minute later, I pot I’d just smoked settled down that we were fighting. I just stood But I had no reason to explain caught the forty-two to Little into my brain. I decided that I was over the guy, ready to swing if he myself to this guy. I thought about Five Points. tripping out, and started walking did anything. picking up that metal pipe and beat- –Sean Carswell 13 , I’mI’mI’m AgainstAgainstAgainst ItItIt

I mean, shit the bed, come on – didn’t that dopey sidekick Ethel ever get it? Christ! Towards the end of last year, Dale?” I’m getting to that, cocko. teaming up and developing an act other actors and actresses, usually there was a two hour television spe- This leads us to my favorite creep with his little brother Paul, Mom who he’d address as “hams” and cial dedicated to the I Love Lucy on that show – Mr. William Frawley caught wind of it six “egomaniacs.” It also included Show, celebrating its 50th anniver- Frawley, who played the part of months later and ordered little directors of the film he happened to sary. Even though I didn’t watch it, Fred Mertz, the cantankerous char- brother Paul back home and told be working on at the time, usually the thought of this special sparked acter who was Ethel’s husband, William that she’d rather plant calling them everything in the book some long-forgotten, funny best friend to Ricky, and owner of flowers on his grave than see him but “friend.” It included talking thoughts in my mind about a certain the New York City apartment on stage. What a sweet mother serious shit to key studio workers character on I Love Lucy. No, not of where they all lived. Still scratch- (fucker). Well, she may as well as well as studio executives, which Lucille Ball – even when I used to ing your head or another unnam- have gone to the gardening supply really wouldn’t further anyone’s watch the re-runs as a kid, I thought able body part? Check it out – to get some of them flowers, ‘cause career in the film business. But not she was overtly wacky and always William Frawley was bad ass at the William continued going west, our pal William – he let ‘em have it predictable of getting into some time he was doing the I Love Lucy gaining so much momentum on the full throttle. Anyone and everyone kind of mischief and whatnot. show. Now, I’m sure there are a few Denver circuit that he ended up was a potential target, ready to be Whatever. She was the one respon- folks reading along here who know clinching a successful four-year gig ripped up one side and down the sible for doing that nerve-grating, where I’m going with this, but for in San Francisco with his right hand other. William didn’t play favorites. annoying crying with her mouth those who don’t, here’s a little man on piano, Franz Rath. William In short, he honestly didn’t give wide open, usually right at the end background on him to get you soon married, around 1914, and a mad fuck. And, no, he wasn’t of an episode. Every time this caught up. started a new act titled “Frawley some obnoxious tyrant kicking would happen, I would sit holding William Frawley was sprung and Louise” with his wife. They around some lame ego trip or any- my breath in hopes that someone on unto the world back in 1887, born played the Orpheum and Keith cir- thing of the sort. He just said what- the show, like her husband Ricky, in an Iowa town called Burlington. cuits until their divorce in 1927, ever the hell he saw fit. You can would backhand her across her yap Being the little proud Irish lad he which, by the way, predated that imagine one of the reasons why as she sat there howling. * W H A C was, William sang with the St. disaster in the future to be known as Paramount didn’t want to renew K * “Put a sock in it, Luthy!” Yeah, Paul’s Catholic Church choir, “John & Yoko.” brother Frawley’s contract now, she really didn’t tickle Dale’s funny played bit roles at the Burlington Moving back to the East coast, can’t you? The hysterical thing is bone, unless you count the few Opera House, and performed in William soon got his digs in on that he did all this even when he slapstick moments like when the amateur shows at the Garrick Broadway, appearing in some fairly was stone cold sober. But coupled pizza dough landed over her head Theater. Right about this time is big productions at the time in the with booze? Forget it – you were when she got a job at an Italian where the show biz bug bit ol’ 1930s. This laid the foundation for toast. That’s pretty fucking rad for a restaurant. Don’t ask why – I just William in the ass, just as playing eventually getting his seven-year guy who performed in a movie like think that happened to be fuckin’ in the garage early on inspired so contract with Paramount Pictures, Miracle on 34th Street. Ahhh, if the funny. many of punk’s biggest scenemak- where he was to appear in over one families going to the theatres back Desi Arnaz, who played Lucy’s ers. Well, this shit didn’t sit right hundred films by 1951 (also the then only knew… husband Ricky, wasn’t really all with William’s mother at the time, same year that the I Love Lucy Well, in 1951, William was that funny either. The funniest bits ‘cause she was a hardcore religious show was going to be making its scrambling to get a work gig, see- he did on that show were when he’d woman and frowned on her son’s television debut). Keep in mind that ing how things for him were slow- plot to get even with Lucy, but even show business pipe dreams. She Bill was sixty-four that year and ing way down, and he needed to get some of those stunts he pulled on wasn’t gonna have it and wanted that Paramount had no intentions of some bread in his pockets. Bill got her were half-baked. His facial him to work as a stenographer for continuing his contract, a common word on the film and television expressions were pretty laughable, the Union Pacific Railroad, and he practice that applied to aging actors grapevine that another couple was though, reacting to all the craziness did take the job for a while. One of who weren’t cutting it or who the to be cast for the I Love Lucy show, Lucy put him through. Vivian William’s old co-workers remem- studio basically had no use for. and he approached Desi Arnaz and Vance, who played Lucy’s neighbor bers, “Bill would walk into the Expendable, if you will. Lucille Ball about possibly landing and best friend in the show as Ethel office every morning dressed in a Now here’s where William the role of Fred Mertz, being that Mertz, wasn’t that funny either. brown derby hat with white eyelets, attains full creep status (thank you William and Lucy knew of each Why? Because she would always a shepherd plaid suit, and spats. He for letting me use the term, Mark), other from the 1940s. Both Desi go along with and get suckered into looked as though he’d break into a and here’s where the real funny his- and Lucy agreed that it’d be benefi- Lucy’s schemes and scams, only to song and dance any minute. While tory I found out about this Frawley cial to have an actor like Frawley end up a bumbling, stammering he worked, he’d be humming and character comes in …William liked on the show, but they both were mess when she would get caught singing the latest ragtime tunes and to drink. A bunch. As brother well aware of William’s more-than- with the meat in her mouth, so to Irish songs.” Retodd quotes, “Drink, drank, healthy appetite of booze, as well speak (thanks, Stiv). I mean, shit Sounds like silly Billy was DRUNK.” People who worked as his “unique way of communica- the bed, come on – didn’t that gonna do whatever he wanted to do with Frawley in the business have tion” with others. Although Desi dopey sidekick Ethel ever get it? whenever he wanted to do it. Good often stated that when he would be and Lucy were eager to hire him, Christ! man. Well, after fucking everything getting his sip on, anyone and CBS and sponsor Philip Morris Okay, well right about now, off and arriving in Chicago (with- everyone in the room could kiss his were less sure because of the you’re probably asking yourself, out Mom’s permission, of course), ass. Whether it was the people he actor’s reputation. “What the hell does all this have to William started to dig his feet deep was going on about or the people Caught in the middle, Desi lev- 14 do with anything, into the vaudeville scene. After listening – didn’t matter. It included eled with Frawley about the net- work’s feelings and cut him a deal – landlord, huh? The “baseball” if he missed three days of work for clause in his contract caused some any non-legitimate reasons, he major scheduling problems over the would be fired. It was agreed and the course of the show, but do you real- near-broke Frawley took the deal, ly think that Frawley lost any sleep along with $350 a week to start, and over it? I laugh at the person who was never absent for any reason asks that question. having to do with alcohol until the All I wonder is how much of a show ended in 1960. Yeah, he was Juan Marichal fan William Frawley never absent, but you can imagine was (in 1965 anyway – what went down on the sets of those yukyukyuk). As Fred Mertz, Bill episodes. Quickly getting comfort- Frawley was often called upon to able with his new surroundings at display his musical and dancing tal- work, William was already blazing ents, which he had sharpened for a trail of his famous “I don’t fuck- years in vaudeville and on the ing dig you” vibe towards Vivian Broadway stage. Bill really dug the Vance, the actress portraying his episodes in which he was called television wife Ethel Mertz. upon to sing or dance, as I’m sure it Spouting off one day, William went brought back fond memories of his on saying that she was “one of the days on the vaudeville circuit, tear- finest gals to come out of Kansas, ing that shit up. The even funnier but I often wish she’d go back episodes to me are when he would there.” Making friends already, Mr. start shadowboxing on the drop of a Frawley? You rule. He’d also been hat – that shit was too damn funny, known to call Desi Arnaz a “Cuban especially the episode with John heel” as well as other imaginative Wayne, right, Sean? One can only slurs, too, some which I’m sure wonder if the shadowboxing ever were more colorful, to say the least. got outta hand and he proceeded to Frawley played the role of Fred dummy up someone he didn’t dig Mertz with the same professional- on the set. ism he had brought to all his other During his last couple of work, but even though he needed months on the I Love Lucy show, the Lucy gig badly, he did no more William pissed off Desi Arnaz by than was expected of him. Frawley signing on to the My Three Sons often kept to himself and didn’t show, where he played the character make a secret of the fact that his “Bub,” the roughneck housekeeper. dialogue was all he cared about. Twenty bucks says that Frawley Legend has it that one day at show bitch-slapped Fred MacMurray, the rehearsals, Frawley came in all guy who played the father on that hopped up and ready to go, eyes show. He soon had to hang up his bleeding and mind seething. Upon “Bub” moniker after four years due his initial inspection of the script, to poor health. people on the set started to recog- Frawley’s last television nize “that look” on his face as he appearance was a cameo on a 1965 was mulling over it, and knew that episode of The Lucy Show. On the something extreme was going to be evening of March 3, 1966, while said or done. And it was – Frawley strolling down Hollywood Blvd. started to rip out pages of the script after seeing a movie, William col- and throwing them about, cursing lapsed of a heart attack on the cor- aloud that it was too long and that if ner. He was rushed nearby to the no one knew what they were doing, Hollywood Receiving Hospital he’d edit it for them. If this indeed where he was pronounced dead, a did happen, I’d part with some of week after his seventy-ninth birth- my rarest vinyl to get a video copy day. It’s a damn shame that Frawley of this particular incident, that is, if left the building permanently some it was captured on film at the time. thirty-six years ago, because I, for I’m afraid I’d have to watch it out- one, would have loved to have had side, though, ‘cause I’m 100% sure the chance to interview him for this that I’d piss myself. here magazine, no holds barred. Regardless of the shit Frawley Here’s to what could have been, put everyone through, he had it brother Bill. pretty good on the I Love Lucy The next time you’re spinning show, including a special “base- Stiff Little Fingers LPs, rocking out ball” clause in his contract – if the live to the wonderful, musical New York Yankees went into the chaos called Flogging Molly, or World Series, he was to be given reminiscing to The Pogues, keep time off to attend. Seven out of the their Irish brother William Frawley nine seasons he played Fred Mertz, in mind. Who knows, Shane he took off in October to attend the MacGowan himself might even sit World Series. He was not only an down with a fifth and write a song avid baseball fan, but a stockholder or two about him. I know Torrez in a minor league team called the would back that idea, wouldn’t you, Hollywood Stars, as well as a mem- Clint? ber of the advisory board of the I’m Against It California Angels. Not too shabby –Designated Dale for a guy playing the part of a NYC 94103

Ayn Imperato I see an old man in a pale blue bathrobe walking away from the jeep with a baseball bat in his hand, in sock feet. It’s a small victory. city birds I woke up the other morning to an insane cheeping outside my window. The cat was scrambling around, all worked up, trying to peer out behind the curtains. I looked out the window to discover a baby pigeon in a nest, right there on the fire escape outside my win- dow, wedged between several plants out there. Did those things actually do that? Lay eggs and raise baby birds? I thought they just spontaneously generated through a portal connecting the sewer to the city streets. It’s not even the right time of year. And why the mother chose my window, one that an excitable, Ritalin-needy cat peers out of constantly, I’ll never know. I start to notice the adult pigeons – two of them, mom and dad bird coming and going in shad- ows, passing behind the curtain. I start to check on the bird first thing in the morning. I watch it sit there, helpless in a bed of twigs. It is a fat bird and takes up nearly the whole area of twigs. I don’t think another baby bird could fit in the nest. Ayn Imperato Nearly bald, he has a bony face and in the morning and stud the win- the jeep leans out the window with When bad things happen it can wings, and a sparse coating of dowsill? Do we all need something his car clicker, unaware that his have a startling effect. In it there is stripped feathers. It is a sad looking to take care of, even if it is just a window is broken, and the car a renewal of what matters, a flash bird. He looks like he has survived form of art, a baby bird, or a furry assumes its steady chirping. And in of what’s real, like purity. I’ve lost a nuclear holocaust. I start check- sleeve? the middle of it all there’s this – too many people to care about the ing on it throughout the day. When this tiny bird. It’s no place for a petty stuff anymore. I realized that I return from work, after dinner, There is another incessant baby pigeon, perched twenty feet holding on to the little stuff, the before I go to sleep at night. I feel chirping at night. Someone started from the car and the noise. Yet unimportant stuff, the ego stuff is a strangely protective of the bird, leaving their new car alarm on there he sits, vulnerable, unaware, phenomenal waste of time. It’s not worried that it will fall or that the stand-by and it chirps a few times unable to leave. what’s real. cat will get out. every minute from the jeep parked It made me look at things in a You never really notice or I have nothing to take care of. outside. Chirps every minute for weird broad sense. Everything look at pigeons. Just like you start My cat, Sasquatch, all but feeds hours and hours throughout the comes from vulnerability. Then it to ignore the passing people on the himself. He doesn’t need me much. night. That’s several hundred inter- changes, grows, becomes hard- street, the stream of faces and cars. And it seems like we all, in the end, mittent chirps that never stop until ened. In the pigeon’s case, it loses They are seen as gray, feathered have that instinct to look after dawn. Finally, one night I hear a half of its toes, breaks a wing. City pests of the city, barely tolerated, something or someone. Even crash and the alarm screams to life people do the same. They get often flattened by passing Sasquatch has gotten in on the with a variety of sounds – first a fucked with, become damaged, motorists by a lack of motivation to action. He somehow detached a honking, then a whirling, then the they start to value the wrong stop. Realizing where they begin – faux fur sleeve from one of my most obnoxious nasal ambulance things. They cling to their petty that some bird laid them in a care- jackets in the closet and has taken alarm tones – up and down: grudges or, in punk rock’s case, it’s fully constructed nest outside to carrying it around the house, HAWNK! Hawnk HAWNK! worse – band drama – and hide someone’s window – a window emitting a strangled cry. He’s a Hawnk, over and over again. their vulnerability instead of taking like mine – changes the perspective male cat. He is seriously confused. Out the window, I see an old care of each other. It takes some- for me. It’s not anonymous any- Yet why do I care about this man in a pale blue bathrobe walk- thing major, like the death of a more. It’s zoomed in close. Closer little feathered ball, who will later ing away from the jeep with a base- friend or of 3000 people, or some- than anything I can imagine. hoot on the fire ball bat in his hand, in sock feet. thing good like having a baby, to –Ayn 16 escape way too early It’s a small victory. The owner of allow themselves to simply feel. The Twisted Balloon

First of all, keep in mind that, in nature, things eat and poop.

you see a dozen or so chains, that means there is horrible stuff at 3 A.M. and been happy because Road Trips Are Good enough development there and there’s a good all it needed to do was keep me awake, and thus for the Soul chance other businesses are nearby. Get off the alive. I maintain that all coffee drinkers in our Yeah, I have already talked about touring highway, onto the main road or route or whatev- society should have a travel mug. Use it, reuse and protesting a lot. Obviously, they are both er all the chains are on, and drive maybe a mile. it, abuse it. Free coffee can be had at many ser- things I do often, and they do share (at least You will probably see a supermarket, which vice centers (the kind that are like food courts) if most of the time) the common thread of involv- means you can buy fruit and veggies and other you have a travel mug – you merely refill it and ing a road trip. Without question, the road trip is food that is fresher, healthier, and cheaper than walk out. There, a scam. This IS a punk column an important American tradition. I mean, if we fast food. You will almost definitely see a after all. Many truck stops charge you more for are gonna rape the land for all these highways, Mexican or Chinese restaurant, each of which a new coffee than if you bring in your own mug, we might as well make use of them, huh? I know tend to have healthier and more vegetarian- so a small coffee in a new cup costs about as it is far more punk to train hop or take the friendly options than the chains. Also, I find that much as a thermos refill. Greyhound, but I never cared about how punk I Chinese food takeout usually is about the same Traveling means new experiences and for was, and you know, I prefer the control of plan- price as fast food, gives you much more food for me, my one blatantly consumer habit is weird ning my own schedule instead of following that the buck, and is easier to split than a sandwich. new sodas. A Coke is a Coke in Boston or L.A. of a company anyway. Oh, and for people not used to the south, But only on a road trip can a Northerner experi- grits are pretty much oatmeal if it was a corn ence Cheerwine or Sun Drop. Local sodas tend product. I like grits a lot, but they aren’t a big to cost less than the majors, so I heartily endorse Road Food deal. experimenting. Some day I will have my soda One thing that humans need to do is eat. label museum. If you are going to eat at chains Road trip food for many people consists of one and drink Coke coast to coast, stay the hell of two things: convenience food, which means Road Beverages home. junk food, and fast food. Neither of these are Another thing humans need to do is drink Keep in mind that you can hold a gun to especially healthy or a really good use of your water. That’s right, water. Indeed, we can drink your passengers’ heads and tell them to make food dollar – not to mention you’ll be support- coffee (and if anyone has ever driven with me on sure to not leave any bottles in the car, and you ing some of capitalism’s best companies. Other a trip, you know how much coffee, road trips, will still get home to find thirty-seven bottles of options take a bit more work and thought, but I and me are connected), soda, or any other num- iced tea, juice, and cola each with an inch of find that they are worth it. ber of beverages, and I will get to those in a backwash on the bottom. When your trip is Planning can make a trip much better on all minute. Some of you drink that fancy bottled done, do a once over. The stuff gets nastier over levels, but especially food-wise. Driving water. What I do is get a twelve pack of bottled time. through Texas in July means that if you pack water and just refill the bottles. This allows me As for alcohol, I get drunk all the time anything that will spoil, you better eat it in a few to have a supply of bottles so I can stock up on when travelling, WHEN I GET THERE. But, as hours, and even the coolest cooler won’t keep water when it is plentiful and always have a sur- amazing as it is for someone from a puritan state anything for a three-week trip. I enjoy making a plus. I only need to deal with an easy-to-hold to see highway rest stops with built-in liquor few sandwiches for day one to start the trip out bottle at any given time, and I don’t have to stores, don’t drink and drive. I have a friend who right and stock up on non perishables such as worry if I left a bottle behind somewhere, was run over by a drunk and can’t talk or walk peanuts and dried fruit (and let me make an because I have eleven more just like it. After right any more. If you drink and drive, I’m uncharacteristic product endorsement for Trader some trial and error, my water bottle of choice is going to make friends with a big guy in your Joe’s dried pineapple chunks). Consider cooking Adirondack. It’s a bargain brand, has that nice town and he is gonna kick your ass. some stuff ahead of time or using any kitchens sports top (i.e. a nipple. Not that anyone else along the road to make extra meals. I know I will admit it.) for ease of drinking and driving, much preferred the bread with garlic and pesto has a good bottle consistency for pleasant hold- Road Stops spread I ate in Portland than any mass produced ing and squeezing, and it maintains its shape Rest stops, typically, are state run and are meal I could have had. even after having big, heavy things sit on it. In basically a rest room, a water fountain, and My friend Kristin Forbes brings on tour a case you care about the actual water that comes some vending machines. Most have tourist info small hotpot that plugs into her cigarette lighter, in the bottle, you want to look for “bottled at the and maps. Some even have staff who will tell along with dried rice and beans. She cooks source” on the label. If the source is not where you whatever you need to know. Some have free cheap, simple, healthy food in her car. This isn’t the water is bottled, you don’t know what it goes (bad, very, very bad) coffee provided by quirky exciting or luxurious, but means pennies for a through before bottling. old men or Boy Scouts. Some frown on you decent meal instead of spending precious road Almost as needed as that 64 ounces of sleeping in your car. Some are there for just that. dollars on fried junk. water a day is coffee. At least for most of us. A Many have picnic tables to eat that food I told One trick I learned is how to recognize road trip just isn’t a road trip if I don’t feel you to bring yourself. I endorse rest stops and towns on highways. On big highways, every- addicted to caffeine at the end. As a New mock those who drive by them only to pull off thing you know about the immediate surround- Englander, I of course cannot speak highly an exit and search for what rest stops provide so ings is based on the signs on the side of the road. enough of Dunkin’ Donuts both for quality and readily. As a whole, you will see a sign for every high- ease of gathering. At the same time, if anyone “Centers” of the travel and service variety way-side McDonald’s, but rarely for any small who reads this goes to Starbucks, I would rather are usually best on toll roads, where you are held local businesses. (One major exception to this is have you stop reading right now and go stand in captive by the toll and don’t want to exit until in Pennsylvania.) If you are driving and see only the corner and think about how bad you should you get “there.” These often have a few eateries two signs for fast food chains, more than likely, feel. Road coffee can be about flavor at points of various quality and styles, a convenience 18 those are your only options. But if and survival in others. I have downed horrible, store, and might have any number of vending machines, video games, squished penny stranger in a McDonald’s toilet appealing to me. ger. A road map that has missing and dirty pages machines (hooray!), and other diversions. I also is not the world’s most useful map. endorse these if for nothing else but the cultural Actual Driving It’s a good idea to decide ahead of time importance and free anthropological amuse- Drive with drivers. By this, I mean that how much exploring and side trips you want to ment. The difference between these and truck someone who drives usually makes a better pas- make ahead of time. If you’re on college sum- stops is the difference between art and porn. I senger than someone who doesn’t drive. If you mer break and have two months to drive around can tell you which is which, but sometimes the wind up on a road trip with someone who does- aimlessly, your trip can have a less planned line is hard to explain. n’t have a license, or got one years ago and has agenda than if you are merely traveling to a des- Truck stops, as a rule, cater more to truck been living car free (which is not a BAD thing; tination. drivers while the centers cater more towards in fact, it is often spiritually and ecologically tourists and less wizened travelers. One looks much better), it might be a good idea to make Road Tunes like an auto parts store and the other, a mall. sure another driver is along for the ride. Not Road tune helper #1 is the mix tape or CD. Truck stops tend to be good places for comfort only can a driver drive, but a driving-minded It provides variety, learning experience, and the sit-down food and cheaper coffee. person understands what driving is like, what chance to make a customized mix tape for that And of course, depending on where you traffic is like, what having to watch for signs, trip. Often, friends will make other friends mix drive, you can stop at tourist attractions, tapes for road trips. It’s nice. roadside museums, stores, farmers mar- Road tune helper #2 is the CD wallet. kets, etc., etc., etc. Explore, dammit. For years I thought of these as merely a redundant product until I realized that dri- Road, Um, Bodily Waste ving for more than a few days made me First of all, keep in mind that, in want more music than I wanted to carry in nature, things eat and poop. The poop falls terms of a box of jewel cases. A decent CD on the dirt, becomes more dirt, and then wallet goes for $10-$30, depending on if more things can grow in it. In our society, you think you need 100 CDs on your trip. we poop into filtered, drinkable water Just make sure that you know what some which we flush away so all our poop of your more arty band CDs look like, hangs out. Then we go buy chemical fer- because some artists forget to print things tilizer to make things grow. Although I am like who they are and what album is on the far off from saving my poo for fertilizer, I pretty pictures. merely mention this to say that if you need What I have found as a good rule is to to go in a bush, you are doing the bush a have each road tripper present their music favor. and have another person select from that I keep a roll of toilet paper with me in collection. This way, I know I will like my car anyway. I have yet to need it for what you select, but you get control over such, but find it to be good for nose blow- what we listen to. ing and stain wiping. The tube in the cen- The driver gets veto power and more ter is good to hold used tissue until you control. 3 A.M. driving calls for loud, fast, can get to a garbage can, assuming you are and manic. L.A. freeways call for lack of like me and that grocery bag you ear- distraction. The other people in the car marked as garbage gets filled halfway should remember that they get to listen to through day one. Many people will mock other music after the trip is done, but only you about the toilet paper, but not when if they survive. they need it. (Also, a package of baby Technically, you can also talk to each wipes kept in shade is nice if you are trav- other. Sometimes, this will just make you elling anywhere hot.) argue. I have found that if a passenger can Here is the most important thing I read without getting carsick, reading out have to say. This is the rule of road trips loud combines entertainment with the and breaking it has ended relationships for niceness of hearing a human voice, but me. WHEN YOU STOP, YOU PEE. keeps you from getting sick of each other. NEVER PASS UPA PEE BREAK. I don’t care if you don’t think you have to. Go. Other Stuff You Need You probably can, even if it isn’t a dire I have a few light sleeping bags I keep in need. If you try and fail, you lost thirty seconds, obstacles, other cars and people to hit, and all of my car. The way they are rolled up, they are pil- max. If you fail to try, you will just have to go in that is like. A driver understands that it takes an lows. Unrolled, they are sleeping bags. fifteen minutes and annoy your companions. hour to get from Boston to Providence at 3 A.M., Unzipped, they become blankets. I read in a zine Another thing about peeing, at least for and two hours at 4 P.M., and that it is just a bad that a hooded sweatshirt with a balled up T-shirt men... the urinal thing. The American urinal idea at 5:30 P.M. on a Friday. makes for a great pillow. A basic first aid kit, thing is the most amazing bit of sociology I have The person who is riding shotgun is navi- tool kit, a few flares or some sort of emergency ever encountered. Somehow, it became such gator. While I agree with most of the ideas of light, flashlight, jumper cables, tire sealant, and that you are supposed to leave a buffer urinal anarchism, I also believe this is a law that must spare tire should be in every car, really. You between you and the next guy. Failure to do this be obeyed, like gravity. I have witnessed the might also want to keep a gallon of water, extra is a source of great amusement and occasional horror of shotgun calling gone awry when gas in a safe container, and things like a shovel concern of beatings from homophobes. Peeing someone is sitting shotgun because they called or anything else weather might call for. Keep next to a boy under twelve will worry the father. it, but the only person who knows how to get to sunscreen in the car. Even in winter, hours of Two men will talk to each other if they have that the destination is stuck in the back. This makes sun will get you, and that little triangle on your buffer urinal, but freak out when you use that it hard for them to see, communicate, and often arm will be bright red when you get there. My one and thus enter into their bathroom conver- pay attention. On the other hand, if there is not last tour I had one arm that was half red, one arm sational world. Oh, and if a guy looks like he is one person who knows more about the direc- that was 3/4 red, and a weird red spot on my left jerking off next to you, especially if he seemed tions than anyone else in the car, whoever rides knee from site-specific sun. to zone in specifically to the one next to you, he shotgun should have the map and read direc- probably is, and probably is looking for “a tions. It is also very important to have the map So, that’s about it. Getting there is half the hand.” I dunno, I believe that two men express- or directions open and at hand. Two road trip fun. ing their love for one another is as beautiful as tragedies include passing something suddenly or –Rich Mackin any other expression of love, but that still does- missing an exit because of directional issues and n’t make the idea of getting picked up by a the death of a road map at the feet of a passen- 19 PogPogPog MoMoMo ThonThonThon

Pennywise made the soccer moms and fat, goateed forty-year-olds happy by playing a set filled with covers. MEMORANDUM gatherings in stadium and arena parking lots are common at DTI functions.) Still, I’m quite used for core members (“scenes”) from across annoyed with Intelligence for this lapse as Agent To: Tom Ridge, Director, U.S. Office of the country to meet and exchange information. O’Reilly forgot to bring sunscreen and his skin Homeland Security The gathering in Devore was on such a massive turned the color of a white wall after blood has scale that it can only be classified as a rally, a been splashed all over it early in the afternoon. From: Special Agent L. Mick show of strength. Many of our agents observed He was dispatched to the Tecate tent. The stage that this godforsaken outpost on the cusp of civ- was set up in front of a big patch of dirt. When Subject: Terror Activity in San Bernardino ilization set in an arid, mountainous setting the music started, the DTIs spontaneously County, California (a.k.a. “Operation where the temperature soared and dry winds formed circles in which members would per- Inland Invasion”) blew like a blast furnace reminded them of pre- form their odd and frenzied rituals. Dust rose vious assignments such as Operation Never Say from the pits and coated their sweat-soaked bod- OVERVIEW Uncle, Operation Die, Goat Roper, Die! and ies. Most of the DTIs were prepared for this Responding to reports that a large group of punk Ozzfest. The similarities were, as Agent Philpot eventuality: they tied bandanas around their rockers a.k.a. domestic terror insurgents (DTIs) noted, “spooky.” faces and began the ritual anew. It was a fright- were staging a rally at a remote desert compound ening scene. Agent Whipple attempted to infil- in Devore, California, on September trate the pit and was clubbed repeated- 14, 2002, to listen to bands, get drunk, ly about the face, neck, shoulders, and buy t-shirts, foment violence, and, legs. For the brief period he was we’re almost positive, receive coded engaged in this horrifying ritual he messages regarding a nationwide plot looked rather like a pinball in a pinball to overthrow the federal government, machine. When he emerged, he was we dispatched several of our agents to filthy, bloody, and gave off a fulsome the Blockbuster Pavilion to observe odor, and could not be coaxed into those who would topple this great returning. We bought him a cup of land of ours in their (un)natural envi- water, which cost four dollars. ronment. To ensure the success of the mission, I accompanied the agents to WHAT TERROR LOOKS LIKE the site and supervised all stages of It became very obvious to us that the Operation Inland Invasion. DTIs who had come early and braved the brunt of the sweltering heat at the INFILTRATION side stage were the movement’s hard- Knowing how dangerous it would be line fighters. These men and women to send agents into a brood of vipers, are young, favor dark clothing, and so to speak, we took great steps to judging from all that extraneous anger ensure our operatives were well dis- and energy are probably really good in guised. DTIs are very shrewd at spot- bed. Hardline fighters have tattoos, do ting infiltrators (a.k.a. “poseurs”). So interesting things with their hair and I took them to Hot Topic with a feder- exude an aura of fearlessness and al credit card and outfitted the team aggressive sexuality. All of these with everything they’d need to blend attributes were on display during The in with the DTIs. The agents were Distillers’ set. Our intelligence reports dressed in Dickies, Docs, and Dead tell us Brodie Armstrong is an amaz- Kennedy t-shirts. Agent Whipple ingly talented performer who can keep thought he looked “gnarly,” prompt- EXHIBIT A: TONY ADOLESCENT her shit together long enough to be ing me to quiz the team on their successful in the studio, but “sleep- knowledge of the DTI phrase book during the EVALUATION OF STRENGTH walks” though her live sets. (Sleepwalk being a drive to Devore. Soon the van was filled with OF MOVEMENT euphemism for performing while indulging con- DTI ejaculations like “Piss off!”, “Smash the Published reports put attendance at 48,000- trolled substances.) Nevertheless, Agents Omar state!”, and “Gimme a dollar” and Agent 52,000 DTIs. There were two stages: a side stage and Philpot were so smitten by Brodie’s pale, Whipple was roundly upbraided for his lapse. and a main stage. Performances on the side stage bare belly they both approached me after the set We arrived at the site, paid $20 to park, and infil- began at 11 AM and ran for four hours. The per- and requested a petty cash disbursement so that trated the compound without incident. Sadly, formers on the side stage were all, with one they could purchase t-shirts. The Adolescents event security liberated my new studded notable exception, from southern California. confused us. Their sound was in keeping with bracelet, of which I was quite fond. They were as follows: The Distillers, The what we expected, but their image did not. They Adolescents, TSOL, Circle Jerks, GBH (from were large, hairy, and not very scary. In fact, FORTRESS SAN BERDOO England) and The Vandals. Our operatives they seemed very nice. When TSOL took the The Blockbuster Pavilion is an enormous DTI looked forward to sitting in our seats under a bit stage, we knew we would get some coded mes- stronghold. Most cells operate in smaller train- of shade, but there were no seats, and there was sages. Frontman Jack was irreverent and rebel- ing facilities (“clubs”), and seldom congregate no shade. Apparently anyone could stand where lious. “It wasn’t Al Quaeda who took down the 20 of groups larger than forty. Yearly they pleased. (Agent Omar informed me this is towers,” he said. “It was you fuckers from the 909.” TSOL closed out their set with a song people were even wearing Dockers and that had been described to us at our briefing. called “Code Blue.” TSOL, 909, Code Blue. Birkenstocks! What brought them here? Why His teeth were not so bueno. He denounced What did it all mean? Was the DTI uprising had they come? None of us had a satisfactory KROQ as a “crock of shit” and told Levis to nigh? Earlier, Jack had commented that with all answer. The sound on the lawn was much infe- “fuck off.” (Our intelligence team has informed the money the corporate sponsors were making, rior to the sound at the side stage. Eating our me this is DTI code for “please remove yourself they should provide water for free, and urged repast of turkey links and diet Coke, we could from my presence as expeditiously as possible the crowd to simply take it. There were no tak- hardly see the performers on the stage. A band or I’m going to sodomize you with an ax han- ers. I dispatched Agent Ledbetter to send Agent none of us had ever heard of called Unwritten dle.”) O’Reilley to the parking lot to radio this critical Law came and went. The Damned came on information to HQ, but Ledbetter reported that strong but quickly wilted. X blipped around in ASSESSMENT O’Reilley was drunk and cavorting with a the heat. New Found Glory blathered on and on Of the 50,000 people assembled, we estimate teenager wearing a halter top and a sombrero. until they were booed off the stage. The that less than one-third were hardline fighters. The Circle Jerks were astonishing. We did not Buzzcocks blasted through their set without The other two-thirds are no more part of the know a man who bears a curious resemblance saying hello or goodbye. Pennywise made the DTI fringe element than you or I. We don’t sus- to Sideshow Bob could rock so hard, so well. soccer moms and fat, goateed forty-year-olds pect they were poseurs per se, but men and We were also impressed with GBH (more happy by playing a set filled with covers. As the women nostalgic for a time when they too were codes!) but noted a great exodus of hardline sun finally started to disappear behind the San young, rebellious, and unfettered by mortgages fighters to the beer lines and main stage area Bernardino Mountains, the sets got longer and and SUV payments. These part-time punk rock- during the Vandals set. I assembled the team. longer. Blink 182, Bad Religion, and Social ers are no threat to anyone but themselves, for They looked tired and thirsty. It was time for a Distortion filled the air with tinny bleats of they seem to be searching for something that is hot dog and a cola. And maybe a soft pretzel. aggression. If there were coded messages, we missing in their workaday suburban existence. missed them. We were too tired to do anything Whatever it is they are looking for, they did not FAT, GOATEED FORTY-YEAR-OLDS but eat nachos and watch the DTIs dance find it in Devore, of that we are absolutely cer- The concession area was located at the top of around toxic trash fires. We needed naps. tain. But they aren’t the only ones who are fool- the hill overlooking the lawn. We were aston- Offspring took the stage. Dexter delivered a ing themselves. If the hardline fighters think the ished to observe DTI dads with their children, coded message through his t-shirt: Even Jesus rally was good for their movement, they are DTI MILFs with their daughters, indoctrinating Hates Creed. I instructed Agent Omar to remind sadly mistaken. Published reports (Rolling the youngsters in DTI ideology. Some of the me to look into this Creed entity as there was a Stone #907) claim the rally netted 1.8 million in younger DTIs wore New Found Glory and good chance they were part of a grass roots ticket sales alone, with much more collected for Blink 182 t-shirts, and they weren’t even counter-terrorist group we weren’t aware of, but parking and concessions. How much went to embarrassed. Agent Philpot made an interesting Agent Omar was asleep. frontline DTI radicals? Not much. The bulk of observation. The farther away from the main the billings went to the sponsors and promoters, stage one went, the older and fatter and less DTI #1 namely KROQ and Levis. Not only does this mean-looking the DTIs became. As we made Finally, the DTIs’ supreme leader Johnny run counter to hardline DTI ideology, but, in the summit, the tattoos we observed were more Rotten took the stage. His suit was wrinkled and short, we were not impressed. Were we sup- faded, and then up near the concessions some dirty and there were odd bits of color in his hair. posed to be? didn’t have any tattoos at all. Some of these He bristled and snarled, in precisely the manner –Money SqueezeSqueezeSqueeze MyMyMy HornHornHorn

It’s strange how many adventures a little dead boy can have. hy is it that we allow tele- the reality? In the date or the free Just let me watch the fricken’ game. lection of how to get indie comics vision to insult us? My publicity? If you’re thinking sour All right, basically, what I’m saying that float your boat. It actually lists Wnew pet peeve is the so- grapes, you’re so wrong. is this: there is no reality on televi- ten or fifteen new comics and gives called “reality TV” shows. You I think that if these so-called sion. We merely watch for enter- the title, a little blurb about what’s know, the ones like Fear Factor, reality TV shows are what is real, tainment. In reality, there are no in each one, the cost, and how to The Mole, or any one of the dating put the contestants on a real desert- rules. Things happen because get in touch with the publisher. shows that follow the couple ed island and come back five or ten things happen. Use your head and Hell, it almost takes the pen out of around and critique them. Hell, years later and keep checking on make your own right and wrong my hand. The only thing you don’t they don’t even put people with them until there’s only one left choices. That’s reality. Me, I write get is a biased opinion. That’s anything in common together; it’s alive. Someone’s gotta get greedy about comics. You don’t see me where I come in. Oh, I almost for- all just to see them fight. There was and tired and kill the rest. Hey, standing on my garage in green got that they give you an art page one, though, that made all my but- maybe that’s it, put death row tights and a cape, do ya? Well, for each comic for those of us who tons depress. There was this band inmates on an island and… No, that maybe once, and that was the booze determine what we read by visuals. that I went to see at the Whisky one was made into a movie already, talkin’. Admittedly, this is a great tool for night on the urging of a friend. The wasn’t it? Oh well. Yet still, has purchasing indie comics rather than band’s name was Spoiled and they anyone seen Real TV? That’s the COMICS FOR STONERS by going to the comic store and being had this fairly attractive chick show where people do stupid Neumie. No price; just email and influenced by the longer racks of singer. Anyways, after the show, I stunts, usually on a vehicle and end ask for one. He’ll probably send it majors. (Comixville, PO Box 697, talked to the band about a possible up maiming themselves. Now that’s to you. Portland, OR, 97207-0697) interview to which they lukewarm- real, nothing staged there, right? I’m not sure, but it seems I have ly agreed. I was just trying to help How about Fear Factor? Is it not received quite a few comics about CYRIL: THE COLLECTED out a friend. Well nothing hap- real to be placed in a tank of dead drinking and smoking this time WORKS by Neumie pened, but the other night I’m fish and squid and search for metal around. This one is downright It’s strange how many adventures a watching Blind Date and they had a weights or let spiders crawl on your humorous, even if it leans into rip- little dead boy can have, but in pair on who were night and day. head for a minute? Please make it ping off Jay and Silent Bob, for it is seven short comics this kid can get The guy looks like he just got home stop. These people should be a collection of shorts about the around. It’s real hard not to like this from the office and had just enough blamed for most of the wrongs in adventures of Spliff and Binger. kid. The gist of little Cyril is that, as time to take his tie off before the graying world. These two characters make me an earthbound boy, he was shunned scootin’ off to his date. The girl Yeah, I watch TV. I shouldn’t, laugh, even though they use lan- by his parents and by the kids at claims to be in a rock guage I don’t understand because school. While his parents are in band. my only vice is alcohol. Yet, by the Hawaii, little Cyril is left home So, I channel end, I’m somewhat up to speed. alone and is killed when trying to flip to baseball and The best part about these shorts is get his favorite game Candyland an inning later I’m the interaction between the narrator down and a bookshelf crushes him. back to check on and the character. In the first strip He hangs around earth for a while, their date. Somehow they tell the narrator to can it but when he finds no friends, he upon arriving back because they’re watching Xena, starts a journey to find Candyland. at her place, the guy wherein the TV exclaims, “Now Along the way, he meets strange was invited in the you wash my back, Gabrielle.” beings, some alive and some dead door. I’m thinking it Now that’s funny. Then, there’s like him, and they go to strange strange, because Bongy, who goes on a whirlwind fantasy lands. There is one book these two are not a tour of the world meeting famous that’s creepy: Cyril goes into an match. Well, she people and weaving pot culture into ancient temple and when he comes turns into Eartha Kitt all he does. Unfortunately, he meets out, he’s possessed, which I and starts cuddling an untimely death. To wrap things thought was impossible for a dead up to Johnnie up, the author of this comic writes boy. Cyril becomes more and more Business, but wait, about some true life experiences of enjoyable to read with each comic she must put on a getting off the hook with his weed. and hopefully he will find his CD. Which just hap- Now I know what a dugout is! If Candyland. But until he does, I’m pens to be her band! weed is your thing, hell, even if it liking his adventures a whole lot. What’s going on? isn’t, this little rag will make you Neumie does good work with little Back at the sofa, laugh. It worked for Kevin Smith; Cyril. He makes death a little easi- she’s showing him the CD cover but I do. For the most part, though, it’ll work for Neumie. (11861 er to look at. Hopefully, when and then right there turns, looks I watch very little, and most of it is Killimore Ave., Northridge, CA enough of these are made, we’ll into the camera, and says she’s in comedies or PBS. Even baseball 91326; ) have a thick pulp version of little Spoiled. Wow, what a shameless gets into the craziness. It’s playoff Cyril’s adventures that everyone plug for your band. You never time, and why these channels want COMIXVILLE #3, $.50 (through can enjoy. (11861 Killimore Ave., wanted to go on this date, you just me to run to my computer and vote the mail or in some stores) Northridge, CA 91326; wanted to push your band, you whether Clemens should have Comixville is the indie helper. This ) 24 #@%$&! Where’s thrown a ball or a strike is absurd. little dude is not a comic but a col- HOPELESS SAVAGES #2, $2.95 exaggerations in the pulp, so go get Stephanie Cardon claims, if you goes off to lead a life alone in the U.S. $4.50 Can. yo mofo hands on this one. (Atomic like Sick Of It All, “I’ve gotta get mountains. After a while, he tires of Okay, I opened this one, flipped Basement Comics, Atomic one.” (www.fatwreck.com) being alone and goes back to the through, saw a punk kid in a Basement Entertainment, 900 East city and sells his soul to Snark. Descendents shirt, thought it would Imperial Avenue, Suite 2, El SNARK, INC.: A CORPORATE That’s it – I’m not giving you any be cool to review for a rock mag, Segundo, CA 90245; ) This is the one I’ve been waiting of his soul, this book makes Enron I was sorely let down. Nothing but for: a comic that gives the cold slap look saintly. Yet, we all know that a punk rock chick’s love story! The SICK OF IT ALL: LIVE IN A of cynicism to the working class. these are the types of companies art is cool, the teen angst is there, DIVE, $? It’s a black humor look at those and their ideals that this book is try- but a love story just doesn’t do it Fat Wreck Chords is at it ing to bring to light. for me. It could be that it’s number again, this time with NYHC’s Enron and light, two in a series of four, so I just have Sick of It All. The first time I that’s funny. Why is the filler in my hands, but it’s a love saw Sick of It All was the it that these compa- story. Guys like action, chicks dig Country Club in Reseda at nies take on the romance, and that makes this a Nemesis Recording’s East appearance of the chick comic. I have nothing left to meets West in 1990. Mayor from the say. (Oni Press, Inc. 6336 SE (Shameless plug for Big Nightmare Before Milwaukie Avenue, PMB30, Frank.) In a million years, I Christmas? This Portland, OR 97202) never would have thought that book makes us this band would be represented aware of what’s MACAFRO, $2.95 U.S., $4.50 in a comic book. Murphy’s going on and per- Can. Law, sure; Sick of It All, no! haps the awareness I’ve gotta say, when I saw this one This is the third comic put out can keep us from on the rack, I got a chuckle. The by Fat and I must say they are falling into the per- cover has this Shaft-looking guy getting better. Of course, I’m ils that the main with big breasted babes hanging on waiting for the Dickies, character experi- him; all the while he’s fighting myself. Now, as far as the ences. This book mutant monsters under a disco ball. story, this is a futuristic Road hits the nail on the Best of all is the title, Macafro, Warrior tale about four men head with a jack- wedged in the blades of an afro searching for each other. They hammer, and I pick. The story is pretty good – bad all hold a piece of an ancient haven’t been able to guy set in some futuristic world artifact that, when joined, share this master- where the drug lords employ unleash a power important in piece with enough midget twins, other world giants, the struggle of good over evil. of my friends. If you and mutant demon dogs. Everyone One thing about these comics want to see what talks in slang, I guess for authentic is awesome art, vivid charac- millions experience gangland inner city realism, and ters, and spectacular back- every day, this is the everyone can really use the word grounds. Now, I’m not sure book. I’m sure “mofo.” Truthfully, I was laughing where you get these, because I many will disagree my ass off from cover with me because of to back, especially the who own us and what hap- the shocking end, but the shock is back page. As anyone pens when the wheels fall what gets you to thinking. Gage who read comics as a off. I love everything about and Ellsworth, I hope this makes kid in the seventies this book. The writing is in you guys millions. (Soft Skull remembers, there was Suessical rhyme (you Press, 107 Norfolk Street, New always a back page, remember, The Lorax and York, New York, 10002, full color ad for why it’s not one of his more ) Spalding basketballs treasured works). The fact that used Dr. J and that it’s in a form of a chil- THE THIRD POINTLESS Rick Barry, showing dren’s book, yet the text is STORY, Cost is the price of a their stuff on an inner for adults, is cunning. I won- stamp city fenced-in court, der where we find it in a Drinking is a pastime many of us which fits this comic bookstore? Even the art is have abused, continue to abuse, or masterfully. grabbing. The folks are soft will always abuse. Many of us look So the skinny on and easy on the eye in con- back and laugh. That’s how this one the story is that a guy trast to the owner of Snark, is written: very short but to the named Cesar has kid- Inc. who is a Count Chocula- point. The story starts at the end of napped Mac’s girl, looking fellow who lives in a a party, yet the narrator and his Candy Kane. Mac, castle upon a mountain. friends need more. We all remem- with the help of some Even the Snark emblem has ber this, going from one place to cosmic babe gang, the form of a bat. In the text, the next in search of alcohol. Near kick ass on all of the anything Snark has the copy- the end of this I’m thinking this is a above to get the chick right symbol (©) after it, and funny personal experience story, back just so Cesar can since anything and every- but in the end I find I’m being told take off with her thing is comprised of Snark, all this from a dead guy who again in the end. you can imagine how many expired from an eighty-nine-mile- Sounds like a “to be times we see ©. My only per-hour Schlitz can going through continued” to me. problem is how far into the his skull, and I realize how lucky What makes this story do I go without giving many of us are. Read this one. It’s comic great is the use it all away and perhaps steal- short with a sharp ending that gets of current events in a future setting haven’t seen them in stores or with ing the shock value of this enchant- you thinking. (Bunk Nutmeller, PO and the plain fact that it’s humor- the CD that bears the same title, ing dark tale? Box 4438, Richmond, VA ous. Intended or not, it just is. If and since my copy doesn’t have a Let’s see if I can pussyfoot 23220) you like to laugh at Hustler Humor, dollar amount, I guess you’ll have around it. Basically, there’s a guy –Gary Hornberger then you’ll love the stereotype to give Fat Wreck a jingle. As who doesn’t conform as a teen and 25 ø ørb Love, Nørb Rev. N

WHEN YOU START GETTING THE FEELING THAT GOD IS CUTTING UP AND REASSEM- BLING REALITY AS YOU KNOW IT, it’s time to go home and sit on the couch. Hello. I’m Mr. Ed. This is my Boo-Boo’s band, it’s BOMBS crazy people in this world walk Kingdom against all threats within advice column. AWAY, MOTHERFUCKER, so the around with their hats on sideways, and without and what-not, had been more anyone can do to infuriate with their hands in their shirts, alerted to the tell-tale signs one Our first letter comes to us from a Boo-Boo, the sooner you get to thinking they’re Napoleon (except should look for when attempting to Mr. David Hayes of Very Small hear the actual message, likely used in France, where i presume they root out any French spies who may Records, who writes: as an album-opening monologue of walk around going “WAAAAH” have surreptitiously made their way sorts. But, since this IS an advice and thinking they’re Jerry Lewis). onto British soil: 1.) Short 2.) Sir: column, Dave, here’s my advice to Why is this? Because France emits Hairy 3.) Smell Bad 4.) Don’t I would like to use the Depo- you: The next time you co-found a an all-corrupting evil, quite inde- Speak English. The monkey went Provera song from the old drinkin’ record label whose back catalogue pendent from its culture or citizen- four-for-four and was tried as a spy, comp on the new double CD ver- includes a couple albums by bands ry! It’s cursed! It’s hexed! It oozes convicted, and hanged. Sure, in the sion that will come out in April... like Green Day and Operation Ivy, bad ju-ju, worse mojo, and coffee cold, hard light of modern-day rea- -dh try not to give all the rights to Larry that tastes like a cross between son, that was a bit of an overreac- Livermore when you decide you warm Jagermeister and animal tion (life imprisonment might’ve Dave: don’t wanna do the label with him vomit! The taint of C’thulu is upon been more humane) – but Look, did we not SAY that this was any more. its fertile loam, or some god damn DAMMIT, Erika, the an ADVICE column? Actually, uh, thing! France is the kind of place Hartlepoolians knew not to take no, we didn’t. Well FINE. Go Løve, you go to chase after some girl, any chances where France Germs ahead, use the damn thing, see what Nørb thinking, ah, oui, c’est la France, je might be involved (pause while i i care. Actually, i encourage it – in suis LE MAN, baybee!!!, then you try not to spend ten pages speculat- point of fact, i encourage rampant ...and, here’s the second and final get there and she hasn’t bothered to ing what the Germs would have bootlegging of all Nørb-era Depo- question in our Virtual Mailbag O’ shave her legs (which is okay if sounded like if they were French). Provera recordings, simply because Fun: you’re into/not into that stuff, i Been there once, not going back, it is likely to piss off Boo-Boo, the guess, but hardly the type of thing Stiv shoulda seen the writing on the guitar player (Boo-Boo occasional- What’s the name of the street that which augurs well for l’amour, if wall! Maybe he DID see it, but it ly attempts to circulate rumors that Stiv Bators got hit by a bus on? you catch my drift), then you go to was in French! That’s why every- his given name is “James” or even Erika, Rosemead, CA eat at some “romantic” restaurant, one needs to know esperanto! “Jamie,” but i can assure you this is which involves a men’s room Erika, i almost had to squelch the rb mere pretension on his part), and i Dear Erika: which itself involves crapping in a desire to pay France a return visit

ø love that. See, Boo-Boo got really 1.) Stiv doesn’t answer questions hole in the ground, then she tells earlier this year for the Boris The P.O.ed at me when Boris The like that; 2.) What the fuck am i, you that she thinks “we” (meaning, Sprinkler 2002 Euro-Touro™, i Sprinkler (which is, for reasons Google™ or something?; 3.) I of course, “elle”) should see other admit. Physician, heal thyself! unbeknownst to me, still my band) applaud your cunning, but you’re people, then you go home. Well, However, i must state, in my asked our original drummer Ron to not catching me with my pants gosh dammit Erika, what kind of a defense, that i had the noblest of rejoin the band (i dunno what the down unless i can bring the video place is that??? Tarnation, the place intentions: Our guitar player, Paul Rev. N cluck hoppened to the other drum- camera: Stiv wasn’t hit by a BUS, is an ancient evil that brings out the #1, is in possession of a copy of the mer we had), as Ron was drum- he was hit by a TAXI. I offer you worst in humanity! It’s even more Cheap Trick “Heaven Tonight” ming for Boo-Boo’s band at the the empty set and nothing but! Of devastating an ancient evil than is songbook (at one point in time, we time (as well as drumming for yet course, who could blame you for the Hucklebuck! Mercy sakes alive, covered “Stiff Competition,” but i another band, and it’s not like we not actually wanting to know what Erika, stay the livin’ fuck away! It’s thought it was more flaccid than asked him to quit either of the the name of the street Stiv was trouble! Just ask Hitler! Ask the stiff), which means that all we have bands he was in or anything). fatally creamed by the taxi on; as is good citizenry of Hartlepool, to do is find someone who can read Anyway, Boo-Boo leaves this common knowledge, said terminal England, who, during the height of music to show us the songs, and we mighty snippy message on my event occurred in France, and every the Napoleonic Wars ca. 1805, can play all the Cheap Trick songs answering machine that goes like French street name might as well be found a monkey who had washed we want. Anyway, we were think- “YYYYEAHHH, HUMAN PUNK something like “Rue de Poodle ashore decked out in French mili- ing of learning a bunch of songs off FUCK!!! You must have BALLS OF Turd” (although “Boulevard of tary garb, apparently the sole mam- of “Heaven Tonight” for the 2002 BRASS to ask RON to be in your Broken Stivs” does have a certain, malian survivor of a French ship- Euro-Touro™, but tailoring the BAND with you! The least you er, frisson, as it were). You, like wreck (as i understand it, it was Cheap Trick song we played each could’ve done was talk to me about Saccharine Trust, are RIGHT, once customary [not to mention night for whatever country we were it first!!! FUUUUUUUUUCCCC- Erika, in using means either fair or fashionable] for military ships to playing in. For instance, when CCKKKKKKKK YOOOOUUUU- foul to steer away from further have some manner of quasi-exotic playing in Germany, we would play UUUU!!!” which i can quote by knowledge of the country of beast aboard who would be decked “Auf Weidersehen.” And, of heart, because i saved the tape. France, as, not only do the girls out in naval uniform and act as course, we all wanted to go France Anyway, the whole thing is, i can’t wear pants, but it is the home of an ship’s mascot, sort of like what the so we could play “Surrender,” but it use his answering machine mes- ancient evil far beyond the ken of Americans did with Ronald Reagan didn’t happen (Holland would be sage on a record because Ron is mere mortal (or even be-antlered a few decades ago). Anyway, the another level of punmanship entire- still in Boo-Boo’s band, but as soon demi-god o’ love) to comprehend! I citizens of Hartlepool, being stead- ly, as Robin Zander’s daughter, as Ron is either NOT in Boris OR mean, think about it: All known fastly on guard to defend the who happens to be named “Holland,” once signed our drum some point in time or another, all just stop when you come to a big presence, and i am running around kit). It was a strange tour, Erika! the employees would get to take a city, then pick up on the other side backstage, stumbling, bumbling, We were late leaving Green Bay for butt home with them for free, so... – which means that once you get to fumbling and completely devoid of the airport, of course, and right in there ya go. In an amusing sec- London, you gotta drive into it clawage. Suddenly, as i pass the the middle of Milwaukee our drum- ondary discovery, we found out that completely on city streets (you’d Hanson Brothers’ dressing room, i mer Ron utters the immortal words Brighton is also the homo capitol of think you’d see a lot more peein’ spy a pile of their dirty dishes. “does this gas gauge work?” Why, England) (in a legitimately unrelat- weenies waggling out of car win- Balm in Gilead! I mean, where yes, Ron. Yes it does. Although i ed note, we are told that Wreckless dows than ya actually do, however. there’s dishes, there gotsta be sil- think i know that i don’t want to Eric often runs sound there, but he God bless their British restraint!); verware, right? Even Canadians know, why do you ask? “Cause if it heard we were coming or some- as a result, i saw absolutely NOTH- use silverware (i think)! Panting, i does, we’re, like, completely out of thing so he dashed off to elope with ING of London except for the club run into their dressing room, with- gas.” As if on cue the van begins to his girlfriend. Somethin’ like that). we played at and a bunch of out knocking. “Uh, can i use your, buck, shudder, and otherwise give The place packs up with nutty schoolkids walking home dressed um, dirty silverware?” Our good up the ghost. We turn off the inter- Englishmen, most friendly, many like they were in ska bands (it neighbors to the north came state on the airport exit. In an stinky, and, after eating surprising- would later be made through, Erika! Just goes to AMAZING feat of engineering and ly good pizza with some cool local show ya that it’s not the luck, we are able to coast the entire blokes, we take the stage and i run Francophone gene itself that distance – certainly no less than a around like a gigantic jet-lagged yields the wicked ju-ju! In a full half-mile, and likely even more M&M, trying to avoid the long- frenzy, i start duct taping forks – from the freeway right on up haired and REALLY stinky guy that are still full of, like, used (actually down) to the gates of with no shirt who keeps trying to salad and shit to my hands. My Mitchell Field. Extraordinary! All give us on-stage hugs, but am not band’s catcalls are becoming a the way from I-94 to the bit more urgent. I, Wolverine, Milwaukee airport, with NO gas Canada’s Most Feral whatsoever! Such luck! Such fortu- Superhero, run out on stage in itousness! Unfortunately, we are Nørb didn’t bring a London with a pile of dirty not flying out of Milwaukee. We camera to Europe, so utensils in my hands and a roll are flying out of Chicago. When we here are some pictures of duct tape halfway wrapped finally get the van pushed to a gas around my palm, much to the station, the battery refuses to turn of him dancing amusement of the crowd. “Uh, over, and we wind up begging a terribly sorry about the delay,” jump start off of a lesbian who i stammer, attempting to keep takes mercy on us because she likes the rabble amused whilst i do Ron’s shirt (“I’m Hooked On fast enough to elude the guy who up my adamantium. “Uh, Oriental Drugs” – Oriental Drugs? keeps yelling “SHUT UP!” at me great cricket match between being a long-standing Milwaukee when he decides to come onstage England and Sri Lanka, isn’t pharmacy that i think stayed in and cram the setlist in my fester- it? 281 to 3 today, but, uh, business for the last twenty-five ing gob (which is fine, because only three wickets!” The years just selling those shirts to then i just continued to sing in a crowd grooves to my well- Wisconsin Rock Dudes). We even- voice strangely reminiscent of honed Bob Newhart delivery. tually catch our flight, which we Charlie Brown’s teacher). After Eventually, my great and ter-

find we are sharing with Papa the show, we go back to the pro- rible claws are affixed, the Rev. N Roach (although they have the moter’s house (Buzz from the band shuts up and plays, and good seats and we just get the Punker Bunker! Swell chap, he) the place goes nuts! I don’t bleachers) when their gear starts and smoke pot and watch cable TV even know why. I think they rolling past us on the carousel in shows about carp fishing and some apparent that they all WERE in ska were too confused by my Heathrow Airport. Their guitars are movie about a fictional Russian bands). For all i know, that big mighty forks to realize we suck. duct-taped together two-at-a-crack band with Spy vs. Spy feet. The clock, the decomposing bridge, the The same dude who shoved the ø and labeled “57 Mustang” or “64 next afternoon, we go down to men with porcupines on their heads setlist in my mouth in Brighton (or rb Les Paul” or whatever, presumably Brighton Pier (kinda like Bay – all fiction. Doubtless some was that in London, too? Now i for- to help the neophyte luggage thief Beach and/or Chuck E. Cheese’s on scheme to keep the French on their get. Too much carp fishing) chucks make an informed decision. We stilts), where i buy a button that heels, and for that, i thank them. We a glass at me. I stomp on it and yell meet our driver, Jon, and load our says “THE DOG’S BOLLOCKS,” are opening for the Hanson “Mazel Tov!,” which goes over gear into his mastodon-sized van a suction-cup car-window sign that Brothers at the Camden only slightly better than when i did (hey! not to worry! gas only costs says “EAT FOOTBALL SLEEP Underworld; in honor of Canada’s the same gag in San Francisco in like four times what it does here FOOTBALL LIVE FOOTBALL gold medal Olympic victory over ‘96, which causes one to speculate over there!), where we also get to SUPPORT WEST HAM HATE the US in hockey, i decide to dress on why no one ever throws a glass see the gear we rented, which was TOTTENHAM!!!,” and find out, to as Wolverine for the evening, at me in like NYC or Skokie, where previously rented by the Dickies, my great enlightenment, that which was a pretty fucking good that joke might actually be funny. and still labeled either “STAN” or “Brighton Rock,” as in the Queen idea until i realized that, in this An expatriate Green Bay-oid who “OLGA,” as the case may be. It’s song, is NOT about some “rocking” dratted post-9/11 continuum, i had- used to be a bouncer at a club we about 7 A.M. local time. The first that goes down a storm in Brighton n’t brought any knives and forks used to play at shows up in his CD Jon plays in the van is Otis (a la the Bristol Stomp is presum- and egg beaters on the plane to duct Mark Chmura jersey. Like that Redding, which is cool, until it later ably Stomping which occurs in tape to my hands as claws. So, don’t rule. We leave after the show. becomes evident that this is the Bristol), but is, in fact, referring to fuck! I’m scrambling, Erika, com- I am still not convinced London only good CD he owns. First gig: a popular type of rock candy pletely in the throes of a nervy b! I actually exists apart from the club Brighton, at the curiously named Brighton is famous for. Huh. I need shit to tape to my hands and i and the road that takes you to the “Free Butt” (inquiries as to the ori- remove my shoes, and wade into need it NOW! This is our BIG club. Heading up the M1 to gin of the term led to the discovery the English Channel. A wave LONDON GIG, Erika, the place is Bradford, i actually do see two that “butt,” in [perhaps local] brew- comes in and blows about twenty packed, my band is already on things of interest: Sherwood Forest er’s argot, is the partial keg left medium-sized rocks into my stage, the meter’s running, and i (or exit thereto) and, passing over at the very end of a batch of ankles. I exit the English Channel. can’t find any stuff to tape to my Sheffield, a nuclear plant with a beer; the remainder that’s not We drive to London. The English hands! Fashion fucking emer- cooling tower literally – I mean enough to fill the final barrel. A infrastructure leaves much to be gency! Help, Mister Wizard, help!!! fucking literally – not more than brewery was once next door, the desired, Erika, as far as the inner The band is already making snide twenty feet from the highway. I club was the butt-keeping place; at city goes: The Motorways all kinda comments onstage about my non- mean, even those 27 who are into Boris The Sprinkler Absolutely beyond redemption, while i stand on the stage barricade about “white wine, white pride, and Throw Like A Fag (our Euro- Erika! Erik (no relation) #1, our and play air guitar to it. I imagine whatever” which somehow led to Touro™ model shirt having “Fag” bass player, apparently stood up on that went over real well. I don’t this guy teaching me what i thought crossed out and replaced by the some lofty perch and played air remember much else about the was a Limey drinking toast... any- hand-scrawled word “Cigarette”) guitar all night, but i was fortunate evening except that i know i way, he’s showing me some elabo- could peg the cooling tower with a enough not to see him. I eventually jumped off the stage, landed in the rate hand movements, and eventu- Sunny D™ bottle or pipe bomb scrounged up a pen, and submitted crowd, and started singing that ally i got my wine over my heart from a passing vehicle, no proble- one humble request to the DJ: “BEER, BEER, WE WANT SOME and my right arm extended with mo. Boy, what Sir Robin of Loxley “Tiger Feet” by MUD. He laughed BEER! STUFF THE FUCKIN’ two fingers out and the guy nods couldn’t do with a target like that. at me and i went home. Onwards to CHEERIN’, BRING THE and goes “White pride!” at which Bradford is in either the Midlands the northerly burg of Darlington FUCKIN’ BEER IN!” song by the point in time i realize that, unbe- or the North, dependin’ on who you (not to be confused with the Macc Lads (which actually did go knownst to my breakfast-sodden ask, where the highlight of the NASCAR track or US band of the down a storm), and the big rugby brain, he has been teaching me (and show is a crowd composed primar- same name) (luckily), where we dude put me in the airplane spin, i have been performing) some man- ily of teenage girls doing a hereto- play for an intimate gathering of and Paul #1 was gonna hit the big ner of White Power salute. Erik fore-unseen-by-yankee-eyes dance special friends. We stay with a right rugby dude in the head with his gui- immediately sidles up to the guy whereby two girls face each other bunch of blokes in Hartlepool that tar, but he spent and says, “no, man, you got us all and seemingly attempt to kick each night – the selfsame Hartlepool so much time other in the shin with alternating where the valiant British rose up to trying to figure feet. Since i’m a big fan of anything crush the traitorous Hartlepool out what part of involving two teenage girls doing Monkey, who could have inflicted his guitar he shit to each other, i ask them to con- untold damage lest he have report- should hit him tinue. They happily comply. After ed vital national secrets back to his with that the show, we go out with the drum- superiors at C.H.U.M.P. – which is the whole mer of another band and his wife to all well and good, except that i’m idea fiz- a “club,” which is somehow differ- wearing my white leather jacket zled, and ent than a “pub.” This is where it with the MONKEES logo on the eventual- finally becomes all-too-clear that back, and i can’t help but look over ly the people in England like the worst my shoulder and think every tree soccer music. Ever. First off, it became might well be a gallows oak for the (“fut- quickly apparent that the domestic likes of me (luckily, i still remem- bol”) rb punk rock there was almost com- ber some English from high dude ø pletely contaminated by ska. Okay, school). I try to explain to one of bought fine. I only live 200 miles from the guys we’re staying with how us all a Chicago, ya know, i know how that Todd McFarlane (Spawn™, Image buncha goes. But the shit that they play in Comics™, et al) spent millions of bottles dance clubs is beyond the pale of dollars buying up the home run of

Rev. N human comprehension! I mean, it’s balls from the 1998 Sosa-McGwire England, i expect a certain amount home run chase, only to have their of pale twits with their mom’s big values plummet by about 75% after furry bathroom slippers on their Barry Bonds hit 73 in 2001. I’m heads. I expect a bunch of lippy thinking i didn’t do a particularly fops with endearingly puss bowl good job of it. I smoke pot and haircuts attempting to reinvent both drink brandy with the locals, and sex and the Beatles. I do not expect have a transcendent rock’n’roll a huge dance floor full of people moment watching the Von Bondies moovin’ and groovin’ to... live on some late night UK teevee Slipknot??? I mean, every other show. I breakfast on chicken curry dork on that island has a fucking and beer. Onwards to York! The Slipknot shirt, and this huge crowd Keepers of the Pub in York refuse are dancing in some sort of legiti- to serve the opening band beer, mate rhythmic unison to chug- ostensibly due to the fact that chugga-CHUG! Chug, chug-chug- they’re all about fourteen. Rev. ga-CHUG! Chug! ...it’s more than Nørb, however, who has been con- the human mind can bear! Slipknot, tinuing on with his breakfast all Son of Slipknot, Beneath The day, has no such compunction, and Planet of Slipknot – the “beat,” i impishly fill the youngsters’ cof- such as it was, went on with its fee cups with brewski just in case unholy propagation of yuck with- they have some younger sisters or out variance (except for one truly something. Later that night, i bizarre interlude where the DJ inform the crowd, which includes Chardonnay and yielded to some sort of minority the opening act’s Mums and Dads, handed ‘em up wrong... we’re not into WHITE input and played the Dead that “i gave beer to every member on stage, and, in my infinite, break- pride, we’re into GAY pride!” They Kennedys version of “Viva Las of the band...but one!” It seems cru- fast-stoked wisdom, i take a big leave shortly thereafter. We stay in Vegas.” The dance floor immedi- elly hilarious, but vaguely merciful slam of wine and yell “WHITE a hostel, which is cool because it ately cleared out – to a fucking at the same time. The night WINE??? THE BIG MANLY FUT- actually costs a pound less to stay man! – and then these two guys devolves into a drunken lunatic BOL PLAYERS BOUGHT US in a co-ed room. Brother, y’ain’t with DK bumflaps and boots got on haze. A small but vocal and old WHITE WINE??? Hey, man, i gotta ask me but once! I fuck all the the floor and sort of skanked cadre of weather-beaten dunno what that means where YOU chicks in the room while my band- around by themselves. Then they soccer/rugby dudes keep loudly come from, but where WE come mates are asleep. They don’t know started up with the Slipknot [“nu- insisting that we are a disgrace to from THAT’S PRETTY about that yet. Don’t tell them, metal” is the official buzzword, use America if we don’t play the Star- FUUuuuUCKIN’ GAAAAAY!!!” they’d never believe you. We head it well] shit again, the two guys left, Spangled Banner a la Hendrix. Oddly enough, they thought that south to Southampton, which kind and everybody else came back. National pride stirred, i keep the was kinda funny. Somehow, in the of makes sense. We play with a Never seen anything like it before fires burnin’ by insisting that Paul whole Mocking Of The White band called Smog UK (i’m sort of 28 in my life). #1 play the Star-Spangled Banner Wine speech, i made some joke hoping Razorcake doesn’t have much circulation in England or Dolls. This, to me, is fun for about and down the street for Paul and/or initially tried to write it off as a everyone we played with is gonna a beer and a half. The conversation EJ. We both recall we said in no bunch of drunk guys repeating be pissed that this was the only drones on. Hey, remember the time uncertain terms that we would themselves, but the repetitions were band whose name i remembered, we were playing in Germany and remain at Ye Olde Weedery until identical in every way. Then the likely because it was the shortest) Paul’s guitar strap broke? Hey, the other guys got back, so we can’t repetitions started getting spliced in (too much breakfast), who end their remember the time our bands were leave, can we? How long were they with new material, as if God had set with a cover of the DK’s “Moon playing in Madison and Less Than gone? Where did they go again? taken an X-Acto™ knife to the film Over Marin” which is briw-yant on Jake’s fans kept spitting on us? I What direction were they walking i was shooting in my head, cut it up a lot of levels and flat-out per- feel like i’m sixty years old. in? What if something happened to into hunks, duplicated some, tossed fuckin-plexin’ on other levels. I Finally, i start banging my fist on them? How long do we wait before out others, and reassembled it ran- insist that the crowd yell “SHUT the table and yelling something we go looking for them? Where domly. NOW, I’M ALL FOR YOUR FESTERING GOB!” and about how we might as well be sit- would they be if they weren’t where WEIRDNESS (hell, it was my “RIGHT, THEN – I’LL DO YOU ting on park benches feeding we think they are? We are absolute- idea!), BUT WHEN YOU START FOR THAT!” at me, in unison, at pigeons, or sitting in the Port Plaza ly freaked out of our gourds now, GETTING THE FEELING THAT regular intervals. They dutifully Mall™ watching the gears spin in standing on some bewildering GOD IS CUTTING UP AND comply. We crash at Buzz’s again, the big clock by the pretzel place – Rotterdam sidewalk, trying to make REASSEMBLING REALITY AS drive up to Ipswich or Norwich or goddammit, let’s not sit here sense of the marijuana-damaged YOU KNOW IT, it’s time to go Samwich or some god damn place, yakking about the old days, LET’S jabberwocky which engulfs us. Are home and sit on the couch. I and miss our ferry to Holland, so GO DO SOMETHING WEIRD. we getting dirty looks? Are those demand to go home. My posse we sit in the Place Of Ferrying’s One brief detour at an automated construction workers on the roof points out Stefan’s apartment to parking lot for hours, drinking beer roulette parlor later (we woulda yelling at us? We don’t know any me, less than a block away and and trying to teach Jon how to play won more but no one could read the Dutch, do we? Should we split up? clearly visible from where we are. I kickball while we wait for the next directions) finds us standing in the Are we the group? Didn’t somebody restate my demand. They point one. Ferries are weird. They’re smoky embrace of Die Schirk cof- say something about something again. I shake my head. Paul final- kinda like floating hotels. They had fee shop. Let the record show that if being across the street? Are those ly asks if i need to be walked home. a midnight buffet (rest assured we you go into a “coffee shop” in construction workers still yelling at I nod vigorously. I am eventually paid out the ass for the ferry trip), Holland, you’re gonna get some- us? Do they know we’re stoned? brought back to the apartment, which is a real fucking brilliant thing a little stronger than what Do they know we’re Americans? where i sit on the couch and quietly Rev. N idea: stuff four road-starved scurvy they’re servin’ at the local Do they hate stoned Americans? continue to freak out for about three punk rocker types with food until Starbucks™, nudge the fuck nudge, We are in a state of paranoia bor- more hours as Erik watches bicycle they burst, then lock them together wink the fuck wink. Eighths of dering on panic. And then Ron does racing and i stare at the stuff on in a tiny, be-bunk-bedded cabin weed and sticks of hash, all laid out The Funniest Thing Ever: Under Stefan’s TV set, which is, for the his breath, he starts up with “re- record, a punkin, a skull, and an El MEM-ber when you WENT a- Diablo bobblehead. Around 5 ø ™ rb WAY and I got ON my KNEES to P.M., Stefan informs us that we will M&M’s: PRAY...” ...we’re fucking freaking be playing with Mummy The out totally and the bastard goes and Peepshow, an all-girl band from Invented solely for the purpose of allowing Americans starts singing “They’re Coming To Japan, and i’m all better. Following to travel overseas and shoot Europeans without hav- Take Me Away, Ha-Hah!” by Louis the evening’s rock gig (i attempted ing to worry about an unsightly chocolate mess! XIV!!! ...sure, you would’ve had to to have the soundman teach me have been there, but... Funniest... how to say “1-2-3-4!” in Dutch Thing... EVER!!! Needless to say, [feeling that this would be a worthy i’m doubled over in hysterical compliment to the only other Dutch laughter for minutes. I know the word i know, which is “speelplatz,” where they can stew in the juices of behind the glass counter like construction workers are yelling at which means “playground,” which their copious anal vapors until muffins at a bakery or something. me now, but i can’t do anything was not among the words the con- morning. I kinda wish they had a Stoner paradise. Don’t look at me, about it. Eventually Paul and EJ struction workers were yelling at maid or someone come around i’m only in it for the weird. We opt reappear, and we go sit somewhere me]; unfortunately, residual effects every hour, open the door and burp for a huge bud of a flavor aptly on the street and drink beer. And of God and May Day tampering the goddamn room like a called “May Day,” which runs Ron then i start really freaking out. I’m with my reality were such that i Tupperware™ container or some- like ten bucks or something. I kick too stoned to talk. Don’t really have could only remember how to say thing. Be that as it may, we arrive in the euro i won playing roulette to much of a tolerance for weed. So “1,” leaving my polyglot banter Holland bright and early, and even- our Dope Fund, merely for the sake i’m just watching Ron and Paul and with the Dutch at a simple tually make our way to Stardumb™ of vice begetting vice. Erik goes EJ talk, kind of like the scenes from “Rotterdam, you are number Records HQ in Rotterdam, our base back to Stefan’s to sleep (‘cause That 70’s Show where they’re all AIN!!!”), we went to a bar where of operations. Within five minutes he’s a pussy), EJ goes out to buy sitting around the table (presum- they played music that was equally of our arrival, i have already beer (‘cause he’s German), and ably) getting high, except the cam- as bad as the music they played at smashed a plexiglass frame that Paul, Ron and i commence to a- era isn’t rotating around, it’s stuck the nightclub in England, but in a holds one of many ‘50s trash paper- rollin’ and a-smokin’. Eventually, where my eyeballs are, so it’s kind different way (dance remixes of the back postcards that are attractively Paul leaves to go buy food (‘cause of like i’m filming my own That theme to 9 to 5? Check please!). It mounted and displayed on the walls he’s Paul), but Ron and i just keep 70’s Show basement stoner scene in was sort of like an old movie, in Stardumb™ C.E.O. Stefan’s idly toking away, as we really have my head, with the camera, as it where the sloppy drunk idiots (us) bathroom; this was accomplished nothing else to do all day. were, cutting from Ron to EJ to broke about seventeen glasses merely by wiping my butt with too Suddenly, it hits. I mean, duuuuude, Paul and back again. Suddenly, i (mostly unintentionally), each time much vigor. Well, god dammit, it... fucking... hits. Ron and i both begin to realize – to my great hor- tossing the bartender some bills and man, the bathroom’s about the look at each other. WE NEED ror! – that some of the cuts are an apologetic wave in hopes of cov- same dimensions as a fucking BEER. We need to go to a bar, and repeating. Like, what EJ said just ering it and not getting cut off phone booth (‘cept twice as tall), i sit down, and drink beer. Now. now was what he said like forty and/or our Yankee tushies kicked got flailing kung-fu elbow action, Typical Wisconsinite survival seconds ago. Exactly. Facial man- (which, had it happened, probly what more can i say??? By 11 A.M. instinct, really: If shit is getting too nerisms, lighting, composition, dia- woulda happened on the taxi ride to local time we are sitting in the cen- freaky, go to the bar. As long as you logue, inflection – the scenes are the club, where a lunatic-drunk ter of town, drinking Heineken™ have money for beer, you have a repeating randomly. Paul would Erik kept yelling about how we (the good stuff, as opposed to the place to sit, beer to drink, you’re say something, and i would have were from Afghanistan and in town flimsy 3.2 variant found in safe, warm, protected, your sur- just heard him say it ten seconds to suck cock). Onward to England) and shooting the shit with vival needs are taken care of. We ago. Segments of the conversation Deutschland! In Kassel, we play at our bud EJ, President of the Sonic bolt from Die Schirk, and look up would be duplicating randomly. I an old house taken 29 over by old friends of Ron and Erik mere single female human! I mean, A.M., she looked more hubcap and screaming alternately when they used to live there and get one of the two to dig you, and Disneyland™ than not. I get a “WE ARE THE MODS, WE ARE turned into a mega-DIY punk the other will just go along with her blowjob. Thru a condom. A THE MODS, WE ARE, WE ARE, venue merely called “HAUS,” as is girlfriend. Right? I mean, that German condom. Brilliant idea at 5 WE ARE THE MODS” and a right and just – the kind of place should work out that way. Think A.M., that. I am, of course, in full drunken encore of “You’ll Never that would have been torn down, about it. Let’s say one out of every comical Nørb-mode, so i keep talk- Walk Alone” at the top of our lungs, built over and torn down again two hundred girls you meet wants to ing throughout: “Do those socks we decide that our breakfast platter times over in America, for no par- sleep with you; if you try to pick up make your feet sweat? COME ON, would make better food fight ticular reason other than to keep the two chicks at once, the odds should i KNOW those socks have gotta ammo instead, and commence to builders busy, i reckon. We play in be down to one in fifty that you’re make your feet sweat! Come on, i flinging cold cuts and cheese slices what would have been the living gonna score. IS THIS NOT MATH- know they do! Seriously! Seriously! in a pitched battle whose tempo is room, which is not large but packed EMATICALLY SOUND REA- They make your feet sweat, right?” barely slowed when i demand that full o’ mad Germans, pogoing their SONING??? The big question is, of I eventually shut up, and stagger all thrown food slices must first be schnitzel off on the rotted floor- course, which one of the two do you back to Joerg and Stephan’s, where cut into the shape of a throwing boards. It rules. Afterwards, we go try to hit on? Generally, in any girl- i celebrate my manhood with some star. After approximately ninety out drinking (? imagine that?) at girl pairing, there’s gonna be the sort of absinthe that tasted like minutes of sleep, we are herded some bar whose punk rock soccer smart one with short hair and then Scope™ mouthwash. By the time into the van, soaked with beer and team apparently did well in the the hot one who might not be so we take the stage the next night in slimed with meat and cheese Nationwide German Punk Rock smart nor short-haired (we will Rosswein, i am loaded to the gills residue (a near tragedy averted Bar Soccer Team Tournament (i am refuse to fall into the trap of using (this might have to do with the fact when Paul, in desperation, is able to not making this up), so i get to ful- their terminologies of “butch” and that we didn’t start playing until 4 open the padlock on the gate which fill my life’s ambition of singing “femme,” as these are only artifi- A.M. and they kept bringing us case keeps us prisoner there with the key “You’ll Never Walk Alone” full- cial constraints they use to keep us upon case of free beer, which them to the back of the van), and dropped blast and out-of-tune with my beer from our eternal quest of Maximum East German fuckers can open off at the Frankfurt airport. I have waving proudly overhead along Pussy Per Minute and do not con- about three bottles of in about 1.5 bathed maybe three times total. My with a bunch of crazed beer-waving cern us at all); at first you’d think seconds, bare-handed, like former hair is ratty, full of food and dried Europeans. Then i half-heartedly hit on the smart one and not the hot Soviet Satellite Beer Ninjas or beer. I am wearing a white leather

try to pick up a girl/girl couple (i one, but since this stuff all seems to some god damn thing). We play for jacket full of ridiculous pins, a Rev. N can’t help it. They enticed me. They be going counterintuively, maybe a million years. When i’m not try- stinky Mickey Mouse t-shirt (one looked at me or something. Plus i you hit on the hot one instead. Do ing to hit on the girl working the of two shirts total i brought), thought i heard the one say you know, Erika? This is, after all, door, i keep drunkenly babbling ripped-up jeans with the backstage “troisieme,” which i think is French an advice column – ain’t no law about how freaked out i am to be, as pass from the London show still for “third,” or is that “thirteenth?” says i have to be the one giving the someone who came of age in the stuck to the thigh, and white leather

Damn those French! Tell me, Erika, advice! Anyway, at about 5 A.M. Reagan era, playing punk rock Chuck Taylor 2000 basketball ø do you know? I mean, SURE, they they turn on the lights and we begin behind The Obstacle Formerly shoes. Three young, snappily rb WEREN’T French, they were to troop back to Joerg and Known As The Iron Curtain™ with- dressed airline frauleins surround German, but they could’ve thought Stephan’s apartment. Which takes out getting shot at. I think it was me at the x-ray station. Can you they were being all sneaky-like and us smack dab thru – oh lordy lordy! sincere for a while, but afterwards take off your jacket for us? Why, speaking French as a secret code – the red light district. Well, need- it became tiresome drunken spew. I sure, missy! Can you take off your while they debated my worth as a less to say, all that theorizin’ about blame the beer ninjas! I refuse to shoes for us? Absofrickinlutely! potential sex partner, not knowing pussy put me in a scientific mood, leave the stage. Finally, my band- The rest of the band moves thru the that BEFORE THE HARTLEPOOL and, next thing you know, i am X mates grab me and drag me bodily x-ray station unmolested. The girls MONKEY DIED, HE DIVULGED Euro lighter (i think “Euro” is a off stage. The crowd grabs my feet. loiter within my personal space, HIS SECRETS to my posse in verb which is its own plural, kinda A tug-o-war ensues, where i am seductively waving some manner Hartlepool, and i was fully aware of like “wheat”) (also, a little tip from dragged, scraped, and stretched of hand-held electric sex wands the nature of their conversation. Oh Uncle Nørb, Erika: Never tell any- across a concrete floor, a wooden about every inch of my person. OH well, third, thirteenth, i’m takin’ one what you shelled out for the molding and various other scraping yeahhhh!!! I wink, knowingly. If what you’re servin’ at this point), hooker, because everyone is an and grating surfaces. I bleed, but it’s theoretically twice as easy to which, though unsuccessful, does “expert” on these matters and will the crowd prevails! We play more, pick up two girls at once than one at bring up a number of interesting cast aspersions on your negotiating including songs we do not know! once, well... i oughtta have three points: Is picking up two girls at skills, like they actually know what Score one for glasnost, mother- new recruits into the Mile High once any more difficult than pick- they’re talking about from their fuckaaaaahs!!! “Glad To See You Club before the cheese in my hair ing them up a la carte? (drat! more barstool) and walking up the Go” dedicated to George W. Bush dries. Life is good. Thanks for the French) I mean, one would natural- whorehouse stairs behind a real live goes down a storm. In the morning, question, Erika! ly assume it’d be, shit, an order of strumpet, poking her in each butt- Holm, our host, makes us breakfast magnitude harder, but is it? Really, cheek as said cheeks jut towards me and then causes me to spit up my Løve, if you think about it, if you’re a in the stair-scaling process. It’s sort breakfast in laughter serenading me Nørb guy, you only have to sell yourself of amazing – all the hookers wear with unhidden Heino songs. The to one of the two. The other you this uniform consisting of black tour concludes in Köln, with a gig P.S. Hey, readers – I’m gonna need merely have to not repulse (this is, leather thigh boots, with huge w/ the Sonic Dolls. During our set, more questions for next time, or of course, assuming that one or sweatsocks going all the way up i take their rubber chicken off their i’m not gonna have anything to both of the couple in question are past the top of the boots, then some drumset and shove it down my write about again. into what a [female] drinking sort of thong shit, but with nylons pants. It’s a lot funnier to do shit buddy of mine referred to as a under the thong shit, so it looks like with someone else’s rubber chicken “mouth full of pussy and a cunt full their butt-cheeks are practically than with your own, kind of like of cock” [heretofore referred to as hanging out in the street, yet they how choking to death on someone MFOP-CFOC {pronounced “EM- are securely encased in this nylon else’s vomit is funnier than DIYing fop, SEE-fok”} so as not to litter so sheath, almost like body armor. it. Mitch, the promoter, whom we many vulgarities in the pages of Strange. Anyway, just to set the referred to as “Tesco, Jr.” during such an upstanding publication], record straight, i really didn’t have our first jaunt to Germany, sets us obviously if they’re just MFOP- any overwhelmingly burning urge up in the club apartment (swank!) MFOP, it’s a wasted effort). that i needed to satisfy at that point with a deli tray for our morning’s Although data is inconclusive at of the night – no “fire down below” breakfast. Unfortunately, when we this point, it might actually be 50% or any of that business – but, by come home from the bar at 5 A.M., EASIER to pick up a female- cracky, i’m only here for the god after running down the streets of female MFOP-CFOC couple than a damn tourist attractions, and, at 5 Köln playing Frisbee with a found 31 Nardwuar vs. The White Stripes Nardwuar: Who are you? at the Top of the Nardwuar: What was it like Jack White: I’m Jack Pops or something? recording at Toe Rag Studios in White. Meg: He was going England? Nardwuar: And you are? to be doing a paint- Meg: It was amazing. Nardwuar: Meg White. ing of us while we Jack: It was excellent, yeah. Nardwuar: And you are were playing. Nardwuar: Did they have the the… Nardwuar: And same board that, like, The Beatles Jack: The White Stripes. then they shot him used? Nardwuar: And where are down? Jack: Yeah, they did have a four- The White Stripes from, Jack: Yeah, they track there that might have been Jack? wouldn’t allow that, used on “Tomorrow Never Jack: From Detroit, no. So I just wrote Knows,” for backwards loops and Michigan. his name on my arm things like that. Nardwuar: And I thought, instead. Nardwuar: And that’s for your Jack, I’d make you feel at Nardwuar: Now new album? home here in Vancouver… Jack, that’s much Meg: Yes, indeed. LOOK what we have for like how Courtney Nardwuar: What impressed you you! [Nardwuar unveils a Love writes “bitch” about the studio, Meg? giant Bob Seger poster on on her arm right? Meg: Nothing in it is past 1965. the wall.] Jack: I’m not Nardwuar: Really? Are they total- Jack: Oh! Thank god. familiar with who ly anal about that? Do they have, Nardwuar: Now, tell me you’re talking like, 1966 quarters in their pockets how cool Seger is. He is a about. and stuff like that too? cool guy isn’t he, Meg? Nardwuar: You Jack: Yeah, yeah, exactly. All the Meg: He is awesome. The know what I mean napkins that are used are from the first album is amazing. though, right? Oh ‘60s. It was just a nice collection of Jack: Early Bob Seger yes, I’m sure you old microphones and staying away System. ran into her the from digital equipment. And things Nardwuar: A lot of people other night in L.A! like that. are dissing the Seger. But I’m sure, we’ll get Nardwuar: Did you get a chance he’s down with it isn’t he? into that later, Jack to hang with John Peel this time? Jack: They need to get back White. But I was Meg: No, we didn’t see him this to the Bob Seger System. curious, Billy time. You have to find the Bob Childish in Europe. Nardwuar: But you have seen him Seger System Band. photo by Bob Cantu He’s not revered too quite a few times. I saw you having Nardwuar: “Get Down on well is he? In lunch with him on the Internet! Your Knees,” like the Swingin’ malts, really. Britain I heard he did a gig and the Jack: Oh yeah. We’re good friends. Neckbreakers cover, do you know Jack: She likes The Milkshakes, Von Bondies opened and the Von Nardwuar: An internet lunch! that one? Billy Childish’s band. I like actual Bondies cancelled and then every- Jack: [laughs] Jack: “2+2 Is on My Mind” is my chocolate malts. body left? Nardwuar: Now, has he told you favorite song. Nardwuar: You like judging each Jack: Yeah, I heard about that. That any cool stories at all? I mean, Nardwuar: By the Underdogs or town by their milkshakes, don’t was a weird thing. I don’t know c’mon, he’s met everybody. There one of those bands. you there Jack? what happened with that. He had, must be some little tidbit of infor- Jack: Yeah, yeah. Jack: It kinda gets like that. Yeah. um, he likes to use his own gear mation he gave you that must have Nardwuar: From Detroit. The his- Nardwuar: So how have the milk- and everyone who plays with him made you really excited. tory of Detroit. You’re not ashamed shakes been on this tour? has to use that or something. And Jack: He was telling me about to say you like Bob Seger, are you Jack: They’ve been pretty good. I they couldn’t do that or something Gene Vincent a bunch and explain- Meg? haven’t had one in Vancouver yet like that. ing working with Gene Vincent. Meg: No, not at all. though, so we’ll see. Nardwuar: But it really sucks. All But he did give me, as a present, he Nardwuar: So have you guys had Nardwuar: Now speaking of the people left. The Von Bondies gave me the Sex Pistols Anarchy in any good milkshakes? Milkshakes and Billy Childish, cancel and nobody sticks around the U.K., the promo version of it. Jack: Hmmm, a couple day ago I how the hell is he? for Billy in his own town! That was a really nice present to had a really good one. Yup. Jack: He’s doing quite well. I Meg: I know. give me. Nardwuar: Now, what’s the thing talked to him on the phone when I Jack: He’s really talented, but he’s Nardwuar: On A&M records? about milkshakes and The White was in Paris last time. Um, I think quite popularly known as a bridge- Jack: Yep. Stripes, Meg? he’s got it together. burner. He doesn’t have tolerance Nardwuar: No way! Not the Meg: Well, it goes back a long way. Nardwuar: And you guys were for a lot of things. That’s the beau- $5,000 A&M Records one. We just like the milkshakes. The going to have him play behind you ty of him, though. Jack: Wait a minute. You’re think- ing of God Save The Queen on about TV show themes? I mean, parents ever seen MC5 or The Nardwuar: Did you kick out a A&M. This is Anarchy in the U.K. you grew up in Detroit. Do you Stooges? Did they ever see the Romantic cover at all? So this is on EMI. have any, like, Canadian TV show MC5 or Stooges? Jack: No, I said that I was a big fan Nardwuar: Thank you for setting themes? Or favorite Canadian TV Jack: Nobody in Detroit actually of the band and he goes, “Yeah, so me straight with my Sex… shows? ever saw them, y’know. am I,” or something. He said some- Jack: Pistols. Jack: What was the Giant? Meg: No, I… thing. I think he thought I was jok- Nardwuar: And you are Jack… Nardwuar: Mr. Dressup? The Nardwuar: What about Mitch ing, I was being a smart aleck. He Jack: [laughs] Have you seen any- Friendly Giant? Ryder? Have you met Mitch Ryder goes, “I’m a big fan of myself.” I body about your psychological … Meg: Ohh! The Friendly Giant. at all? dunno, he thought I was joking, Meg: [giggles] Jack: Mr. Dressup’s kinda scary, Jack: Mitch Ryder, no. making fun of him but I wasn’t. Jack: …problems [laughs] but The Friendly Giant was very Nardwuar: What about Ron Nardwuar: Rock stars always do Nardwuar: And you are Jack nice. Asheton of The Stooges? that. I once saw Ringo Starr and White. And you are Meg? Nardwuar: As covered by Jack: I met him, yep. yelled “Hey, it’s Ringo!” And he Meg: Yes I am. Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Nardwuar: I heard he has a very went [sarcastically] “That’s my Nardwuar: And you are Meg? Planet. young girlfriend. name!” Jack: I’m not Meg. Jack: I didn’t know that. Jack: I didn’t see her. I did meet Jack: [laughs] Nardwuar: And you are Jack? Nardwuar: Now, in Detroit are him, though. I didn’t see his girl- Nardwuar: Now, your name is Meg: Not today. there like old Motown guys on the friend. Jack White and your name is… Nardwuar: No, you’re not. But street and stuff? Totally destitute? Nardwuar: What’s the importance Meg: Meg White. you work off each other. You Nardwuar: And you’re in The could be each other because you White Stripes and I was looking guys seem to have such great in this magazine right over here, communication on stage. The White Stripers. [Nardwuar other night on the MTV Movie shows them an issue of Fader Awards, you were so separated. Magazine with them on the What’s it like when you’re so sep- cover.] Isn’t this like the best arated? Usually, you’re so close picture? I love it. together and I love the way you’re Meg: [laughs] so close on stage. It’s awesome. Nardwuar: I love it because Meg: It was a little strange, a little you look so Misfit-ian Jack! strange. I had to peer over the Jack: The wind was blowing symbols and try to find him down and blew that hair in there. there. But it was alright. Nardwuar: But you look like Nardwuar: Nobody else has that the Misfits and the Necros, com- set up, do they Jack? ing from Detroit… It’s so awe- Jack: [laughs] No they don’t. some. I just love that photo. And Nardwuar: And you know what’s Jack, if you could open it up, also great about The White Stripes what the hell is going on here, is you guys also cover a Dylan Meg? What the hell is going on? song from 1997. From 1997! What is Jack doing there? That’s like covering the Steel Meg: [referring to picture of Wheels “Mixed Emotion” Rolling Nardwuar: You like judging each town by their Jack holding a stuffed animal] Stones thingie. He’s holding his pig. Jack: He’s still got it. He’s still milkshakes, don’t you there Jack? Jack: That’s Poncheeda. got it. He still tells it like it is. Jack: It kinda gets like that. Yeah. Nardwuar: Now, that’s not a Nardwuar: That’s so amazing. live pig. That’s a taxidermic pig. Like Dylan from ‘97. Jack: That’s a stuffed pig. You Meg: Of course. Meg: Not that I’ve noticed. of Ghetto Blaster Beer? Ghetto can see the stitching is ripped here Nardwuar: Now speaking of Nardwuar: I’ve heard that some Blaster Beer? and the stuffing is coming out. Vancouver, British Columbia, guys that have recorded on some Meg: “It quenches the thirst.” That’s Poncheeda. Canada. Well, not speaking, but important works are totally on the Jack: You’ve really done your Nardwuar: Now how many taxi- let’s bring Vancouver, British street. research. That’s a brewing compa- dermic items do you have? Columbia, Canada into this. Did Jack: Totally on the street. I’ve ny I was hooked up with. They’re Meg: I only have two. He’s got, you know there, Meg White of The heard that as well. I haven’t roommates with the guy who has a um, a lot. [laughs] White Stripes, that Loretta Lynn bumped into them though. studio where we did our first album Jack: Yeah, I have lots of ‘em. signed her first record deal in Nardwuar: What’s the Motown at. Everyone drinks it while they’re Nardwuar: Now, what do you Vancouver, British Columbia, museum like? there recording. have? What are some of your Canada? Meg: It’s very nice. It’s in the midst Nardwuar: The Romantics are favorites, Jack White? Meg: I did not know that. of a really burnt out neighborhood. from Detroit too, aren’t they? Jack: I have a zebra. I have two Jack: That makes sense because You know, it used to be huge old Meg: Yes. gazelles. I have a tiger. she was living in Seattle. houses which the motor company Jack: [laughs] That’s true. Nardwuar: A zebra? Nardwuar: She signed to Zero people lived in and stuff. It’s just a Nardwuar: And they wore a bit of Jack: A zebra head, yeah. I have a Records! nice little establishment, you red, too. kudu and a mountain goat and I Jack: Zero Records. That’s the best know? Jack: I think they wore red leather have lots of things. name for a record label ever. Nardwuar: Worth a visit? on one of their album covers, yeah. Nardwuar: And all these are from Nardwuar: And you guys like Jack: I’ve never been there. I’m Nardwuar: Have any Romantics thrift shops and stuff? kinda customizing songs. Like you not a fan of the Motown produc- ever come to your gigs? Meg: Some of them are old. A lot play Tallahassee and then you do… tion. Jack: Yes. of them are old. Meg: “Tallahassee Lassie.” Nardwuar: Why? Nardwuar: Really!? You met a Nardwuar: Does anybody bring Nardwuar: So you’re playing in Jack: I don’t like the production of Romantic? any gifts of them to your shows? Vancouver, British Columbia, Motown records. Just the sound Jack: Yes, we did meet a Jack: That’d be nice. Canada and the White Stripes will they’re getting. They had some Romantic. Nardwuar: That’d be the ultimate do… really good songwriting but the Nardwuar: What was the interac- gift for The White Stripes. Jack and Meg: [laughter] production I never was a fan of. tion like? Jack: She’s not that into it. Nardwuar: Do you have any Nardwuar: But the Detroit sound. Jack: It was romantic. Meg: It creeps me out a little. Canadian stuff you could do? How MC5, Stooges. Have any of your Meg: [laughs] Nardwuar: Now, on 33 this tour right now you’ve got we were told. Nardwuar: Were you shown any Jack: Supposedly it was some Whirlwind Heat. Nardwuar: That’s so awesome respect? Like did Eminem ever talk famous person who was doing it Jack: Whirlwind Heat. An amazing because she did “The Rose” and to you or anything? under an anonymous thing. He did band. Come and see them. Mudhoney covered “The Rose” Meg: Um, No. one for the Strokes and he did one Nardwuar: ‘Cause they’re on your and Mudhoney got Billy Childish Nardwuar: Any shout-outs? Like for us. record label right? to open for them in England! did anybody go “Heyyy, Jack!” Nardwuar: But you have cooler Jack: Could be. Possibly. Yeah. Jack: And Mudhoney was at our Jack Black did a great intro for you. fans than The Strokes because Nardwuar: I think it’s really cool show last night! I loved it. He was, like, standing on there’s a fan out there that does that you treat bands quite well. I Nardwuar: Whoa-ho! This is a turntable. White Stryper! mean, didn’t Whirlwind Heat have amazing! What about Ike Turner, Jack: It was nice, yeah. Jack: White Stryper? to open for you really early once has he ever come to any of your Nardwuar: Did he make that Nardwuar: That dress as Stryper, and you felt bad so you let them gigs? turntable especially for you? the ‘80s heavy metal band, and do headline after you? Meg: No, I don’t think so. Jack: Yeah, he did. That was the White Stripes songs! Jack: Man, you’ve done only time he used that in Jack: Ohhh. your research. Excellent. the show, I think. Yeah, Nardwuar: White Stryper! But Yeah, they came out. After they made it for us. these guys, what is going on here we were done with our set, Nardwuar: But, like, Jack? This is from the NME they came out and did did anybody else throw [Nardwuar shows a New Musical another set. out any props to you, Express with a picture of some Nardwuar: That’s so cool like, “How ya doin’!” comedians dressed up as the White that you’re able to support Jack: I don’t think so. Stripes.] them in that way. Oh, Andy Dick said Meg: Oh, This is terrible. Meg: Yes, indeed. “Hi.” He said he really Jack: This is NME’s way of getting Nardwuar: And taking liked the band. back at us for not going to their Billy Childish! Is there Nardwuar: So the true awards show. anybody else in England White Stripes fans are Nardwuar: Now, these are some you can take along with revealed by who actually comedians dressing up as you. you? I mean, besides from introduces themselves to Meg: Yes. the Detroit bands, anybody you, right? Jack: We didn’t go to their awards you want to throw out on Meg: I suppose so. so they decided not to give us our your English tours? Nardwuar: Now, award because we didn’t show up. Jack: Holly Golightly is there’s a lot of fans out And then they also made fun of us. great. We like to tour with there of the White Nardwuar: So, what do you say? other bands from Detroit. Stripes that are on the At the bottom of the picture they We’re all friends and I internet. Are you aware say “It remains to be seen if Jack think there’s a lot of good of the Red Blood Cells White will react the same, because music coming out of project? Geri Halliwell really loved it.” Detroit that people haven’t Jack: I heard about it. (When the comedians dressed up as heard yet. Nardwuar: This is Redd her.) Nardwuar: Are you the photo by Bob Cantu Blood Cells. [Nardwuar Jack: Geri Halliwell loved it. I only A&R guy on Virgin shows them print out don’t know what to tell you. I’ll Records? Nardwuar: Thank you for setting me straight from http://www.redd- think about it. Jack: [laughs] I’m not an with my Sex… kross.com/ reddstripes/ Nardwuar: Now, White Stripes, A&R guy at all. index.html] Now, what Meg and Jack White of the Nardwuar: I heard they Jack: Pistols. this is… this is Steven White… fired their entire staff and Nardwuar: And you are Jack… McDonald of Redd Jack: Stripes. you, Jack White, are the Jack: [laughs] Have you seen anybody about Kross and he has decid- Nardwuar: What sort of craziness only guy doing A&R for your psychological … ed to do what, Jack? has gone on? I mean, I heard that Virgin. Meg: [giggles] Jack: I met him the you guys were offered a private jet Jack: I haven’t heard about other night and he told somewhere. that one. Maybe I should Jack: …problems [laughs] me about this. He told Jack: [groans] do that and give this all up. me about this and he Nardwuar: Is that true? A private Nardwuar: You just said that he’s adding – jet? played Los Angeles, California. Jack: No, Andre Williams has he’s playing bass along with all of Jack: A private jet? [laughs] Now, my friend Grant from The though. We’ve played with Andre our songs. Nardwuar: Yeah, someone said Smugglers, who’s house you stayed Williams. Nardwuar: Yeah, with “Hotel “Come on my private jet?” at a while back, once had William Nardwuar: From Detroit. Yorba” and some others. You go to Jack: I don’t think so. I don’t know Shatner show up at one of his gigs Jack: That’s right. reddkross.com to check out some about that one. in L.A. Like, that’s dope, eh? Nardwuar: I think he was on the bass on “Hotel Yorba.” What do Nardwuar: None of that? Some of Jack: That would be dope, yes. street for a little while though, was- you think about that? the crazy stuff that’s been offered. I Nardwuar: Is there anybody of n’t he? Jack: I think it’s a great idea. It’s an know you’ve been offered White that ilk that has shown up that you Jack: He was on the street for a interesting project. Strips. White Strips. just kinda go, “Whoa, like, Shat- long time, I think. He was working Nardwuar: He was able to fulfill Jack: Oh, they tried to buy our Mannn!” with Ike Turner a lot. his fantasies of playing with The website. White Strips the… Jack: Bette Midler came to our Nardwuar: Now the MTV Movie White Stripes. Nardwuar: …White Strips. The show in New York and danced to Awards last night. That was incred- Jack: See the power of technology. tooth cleaning thing. It’s like the the whole show. Midler in the bal- ible. We saw it last night in Canada. Nardwuar: And another thing I teeth cleaning thing. You put it on cony. It was pretty cool. You guys were all dressed up and was looking at. I was just checking your teeth and then you rip it off. Nardwuar: Oh my God! Now, so was everybody else, all dressed this out. You know, people dressing Jack: Right. how did you notice that? Did you up. What was the vibe on that? up as you. I mean there’s tribute Nardwuar: I wanted to bring that actually see her? Meg: It was really good because it bands for you guys. There’s, like, for you but it’s $60 Canadian! Jack: No, we were told. I couldn’t was all fans. They picked people all Different… Meg: Wow. see anything because of the lights. out of lines and our website and Meg: Different Stripes. Nardwuar: They wanted to buy… Because of the way the lights were everything else so they were all just Nardwuar: Now, what are they wanted you to endorse White shining, I couldn’t see anything up crazy fans. And it wasn’t like mod- Different Stripes like? They’re a Strips? 34 there. But that’s what els or anything and so it was good. tribute band to you guys. Jack: I think The White Stripes website was too close to their website if you Nardwuar: Was it hard to get him to do that? accidentally load it wrong. So they wanted to Jack: It was because it had to be checked for buy our website. I think that’s what I was told. anthrax before he held it, you know. Nardwuar: And you guys said “No!” Nardwuar: No way! Meg: Of course. Jack: There’s something crazy for ya. Jack: [laughs] Nardwuar: “Sympathy For The Record Nardwuar: So has there been any other crazi- Industry? Is like that dangerous!?!” ness going on? C’mon, I’m workin’, I’m Jack: It had to be tested for anthrax before he workin’ hard here. C’mon, like, Bette Midler, would hold it. That’s what I was told. White Strips, you know, jet rides, Elton John Nardwuar: If there’s any doubt that the White jam? I know Ryan Adams covers your tunes. I Stripes have arrived in mainstream culture it’s mean, like, that’s kinda funny. [laughs] that you guys are now on groupiecentral.com. Jack: [laughs] Jack: Really? Nardwuar: But , you know, tell me, any kind Nardwuar: Yes, groupiecentral.com has a of craziness? posting of you guys. Under the subject “White Meg: Constant craziness. Stripes,” and it goes, and I quote here Jack Jack: Some of the craziness we just can’t White, “I can say that Jack has and will be reveal to you because it’s too crazy. down for groupie action. I was so fortunate to Nardwuar: Just a little tidbit, just a little teaser experience him during one of their tours. Let’s here, winding up, please Meg and Jack White. just say it happened by surprise and was well Just give me insight into The White Stripes. worth it.” Like you check your cell phone message or Jack: [laughing] something… Nardwuar: “He is adequate in size and perfor- Jack: One thing I can tell is that… Meg’s an mance. I think he may like to be ridden, but I android. requested that he ride me.” Meg: Dammit Jack. Jack: Hmmm. Jack: [laughs] I’m sorry. I thought you knew. If Nardwuar: And then it goes on to say “Meg’s you just knew how at the end of every night we boyfriend is in the Greenhornes.” have to plug her into the tour bus, plug her in Jack: This is all nuts. and change her oil every three months to keep Nardwuar: You’ve made it! You’re on grou- this band going. piecentral.com. Don’t worry Jack, you can go Nardwuar: Much like Man… Or Astro Man? on groupiecentral.com and post some lies too, Where are they from? just like they did there. Jack: [silence] Jack: Those are pretty good lies. Nardwuar: Outer space! And you are Meg and Nardwuar: Groupiecentral.com. Are you dat- Jack White of The White Stripes. Jack, your ing somebody in the Greenhorns at all, Meg? gear is incredible. I should say it’s so awesome Meg: I’m not going to comment on my situa- that your roadies dress up as you. Like, they tion. wear red and white. I love it. Don’t they use like Jack: [laughs] red duct tape, too? Like, you have red duct tape! Nardwuar: And you’re not dating Winona Jack: [laughs] We have to keep everything in Ryder are you? order now. We have to be able to identify every- Jack: [laughs] thing in my sight, you know. Nardwuar: That’s the other rumor floating Nardwuar: And your Leslie amp. That’s really around there, Jack. cool isn’t it? The Leslie amp. Jack: We’ll see. [laughs] Meg: The peppermint triple tremolo. Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much for your Nardwuar: Yeah, is that going to be onstage time. Really appreciate it there, White Stripes. here tonight? Why should people care about the White Jack: It’s too heavy. Stripes? Why should people care? Meg: It weighs 500 pounds. Jack: I don’t know. [laughs] I don’t know why Nardwuar: Can you explain a bit about that? they should care anymore. ‘Cause that’s amazing. You customized a Leslie Nardwuar: Have you ever been to Legoland? amp. Meg: No, not yet. Jack: Yeah, I built it. I found three different Nardwuar: Have you had any offers to go to components in the garbage. I was trash picking Legoland? and I built ‘em all together and made a speaker Jack: We did have an offer to go there once and cabinet out of it. It was just a nice project to uh, we didn’t go. I don’t know why we didn’t work on. go. We didn’t have time, I don’t think. Nardwuar: Does anybody else have an Airline Nardwuar: Jack and Meg White, anything else guitar? Like, you play an Airline right? you’d like to add to the people out there? Jack: Well I bought mine from Jack of The Meg: Mmmm, no. Oblivions. Jack Oblivion is his name. He’s in a Jack: No, I guess not. band from Memphis in America. Nardwuar: Well, thanks so much. Keep on Nardwuar: Any other bands you’ve seen play- rockin’ in the free world and doot doola doot ing that? Or any bands got mad seeing you doo… playing that? Like some Hollywood Guitar Jack: Mm-hmm. Center dude? Nardwuar: Actually, “Mm-hmm” works. Jack: No, I never really see anybody else real- Jack and Meg: [laughing] ly play those. Once in awhile you’ll see some- Nardwuar: But that’s so, like, obscure we’ll body with it. have you do it again there. Doot doola doot Nardwuar: When you guys were on David doo… Letterman, I thought it was awesome that Meg: Doot doo. No? I don’t know. I just… Letterman held up the vinyl record. Jack: I don’t know what you mean. [laughs] Meg: Oh yeah, we specially asked for him to do That’s fine. That’ll be fine. That’ll be five that, yeah. dollars, please. Shark Bait

Felizon Vidad

I know the stout, sunburned tourist appreciated the scene from where she lay on her flowered beach towel a few yards away.

Sean took his thumb out of his ass. He was sitting on the recliner. He aimed for my Why Marriage? scratched his head. He looked at his thumb and ankle and missed. He hit the foot rest part of the then he picked a piece of lint out of his belly- recliner instead. I could tell that must have hurt. It was already 8:30, and we hadn’t eaten button. But I pulled my knees into my chest just to be on dinner yet. It had been over six hours since I ate Well, okay, so he stopped reading about the safe side. Also, I snatched the remote control lunch, but I guess a few sips of RC and some Emma Goldman and put the book aside. before he had a chance to grab it. pieces of gummy hot dogs (the candy, not wein- “What do you feel like having?” he asked. “You never listen to anything I tell you,” he ers) could hardly be considered a meal. I stared I sighed loudly just in case he didn’t hear said. This time he really put the book down. He at the tv. I’d been doing so for the past two me the first ten times. “I don’t know,” I said. “I wasn’t mad or anything. Just stating a fact. “I hours, instead of buckling down and doing just know that I’m huuunnng-gry.” distinctly remember telling you about it in the something more meaningful and creative. “Well, that doesn’t help me a whole lot,” car the other day on our way home from the Occasionally something interesting would flash Sean said. I could see his eyes straying back to Youth Brigade show. Don’t you remember?” across the screen, enough to hold my attention the text, so he must have been at a good point in I distinctly remembered that the Youth for a couple of minutes. The commercials ol’ Emma’s life. “Maybe it’s a personal prob- Brigade show had been so loud that I heard weren’t too bad. At this point, I was so hungry lem.” Hmmph. He knew how to make a point. nothing but ringing in my ears on the way home. that the two for $2 at McDonald’s deal was start- “Anyway, we can’t leave the house just yet. I’m Also, some kid who’d been crowd-surfing had ing to seem like a pretty good idea, despite the still waiting for that phone call.” jumped off the stage and knocked me in the head fact that I was still mad at McDonald’s for sev- “What phone call?” I said. with a Doc Marten. That could have contributed eral reasons (including Lilo and Stitch, but that’s “The phone call,” Sean said, giving up all to my lapse in memory. another story). At this point, I was so hungry pretense and going back to his book. “About Sean sat up and looked at me, exasperated. that I started to kick Sean in the head. tomorrow night. I must have told you about it a He waited and didn’t say anything. For kind of a

Felizon Vidad Repetitively and with a lot of force. Well, okay, dozen times. Remember?” long time. And then I did remember. so I just prodded him in the belly with my foot a “No, I don’t remember,” I said. “What little. He lay on the floor and stirred slightly. phone call? What tomorrow night?” Okay, so what the phone call was about “Look, man,” I said. “When are we going Sean scowled. From his position on the doesn’t matter. Whether or not the telephone to eat? I’m huuunnng-gry!” floor, he tried to reach his foot out to where I even rang all night doesn’t matter, and what we ended up doing for food later on doesn’t matter either. The point is, this is kind of a typical evening for both of us: me putting off doing something bigger and more important by turning on the tv and then bugging Sean about some- thing that I could probably take care of myself. Him trying to read something for pleasure that most peo- ple are required to read in school, stopping only in the middle to remind me that I never listen to any- thing he says. (Which isn’t true… I listen to him some of the time.) The only thing different about all of it now is that it’s official: we are a married couple.

A couple of weeks before the wedding, a punk rock friend of mine asked me, “So, why marriage? Why get married?” “Believe me,” I want- ed to tell him, “I’m asking myself the same thing.” But I didn’t say that at the time. I just smiled and shrugged and I think I changed the subject some- how, because I don’t remember how that con- versation ended.

Once in a while, when it’s a Friday night and there are no good bands playing in town, Sean and I will go rent a movie and take it home and then lament the lack of popcorn in the house. Usually, we take turns picking the movie and then always I get to call the one that we actual- ly end up renting. (Sean knows better than to pick a movie that I’ll end up hat- ing. It’s much easier for both of us if he ends up thinking the movie is dumb, because he’ll only make fun of me for about a week. I, on the other hand, have a memory like an ele- phant.) I know I’m going to lose punk rock points for saying this, but I like movie and therefore would conveniently forget grain of everything punk rockers believe in? to mention the movie again. So punk rockers don’t believe in getting romantic comedies. There. Anyway I’m not Felizon Vidad ashamed to admit it, because I know every sin- “I’m just wondering if maybe you’re trying married, right? gle person out there has some equally uncool- to tell me something.” That was all. He went But wait a minute. Isn’t Sean a punk rock- according-to-their-peers kind of thing. Keep that back to reading Howard Zinn. er? Hell, he puts out a punk rock magazine. He’s in mind if you dare make fun of the fact that we Was I? Was I trying to communicate some- the one who proposed. He should have been rented three awful movies in a row (in a time thing through my choice of cheap rental answering that question. span of eight months, which goes to show you movies? But when Tommy turned to him and asked exactly how often we support the local indepen- Nah, it was all a coincidence. How could I the exact same question, he shrugged and in typ- dent movie rental place), and they were all my have known — how could my subconscious ical Sean fashion responded, “Uh, because choices: The Wedding Planner, Serendipity, and have known that those three movies had that one Felizon wanted me to?” The Sweetest Thing. Well, the Christina thing in common? I never even saw the pre- Obviously, that was a good enough answer. Applegate-Cameron Diaz movie actually wasn’t views. Did I really not want to get married so Tommy nodded, accepted it, and then turned bad, but I’m sure some of you will still say it badly that I purposely without knowing it made back to me. “So,” he asked, “why marriage? sucks. Except for the part where Christina him watch these three bad movies that all con- Why get married?” Applegate and Cameron Diaz get naked during tained the same message? Like I said. I was stuck. the birthday slumber party. Get back to me when It was what he didn’t say that carried a lot you finish watching the movie. of weight. I’m not a self-proclaimed punk rocker. So we rented these three movies, but not all Sure, I embrace a lot of the music and the atti- in a row so that I would have noticed anything So when this punk rock friend of mine tude and the sartorial style. At the same time, I particularly significant about them. After the last asked, “So, why marriage? Why get married?”, can’t define what constitutes a true punk rocker movie, though, Sean and I were hanging out in I didn’t give a straight answer. I couldn’t think without running into all kinds of arguments the living room, him on the floor, me on the of a straight answer or a response that would from every other person who claims to live the recliner, and he looked up at the ceiling and even begin to articulate my jumbled thoughts punk rock lifestyle. I could easily explain it all said, “You know, maybe you’re trying to tell me and feelings. I was caught. Fixed in a spot that away by saying that I’m not the definitive punk something.” This was about a couple of months had me examining all my beliefs and trying to rocker and therefore can believe in marriage. ago. thread them together so that it all made sense. But that doesn’t really answer the question, and “What?” I said. I didn’t take my eyes off I think that being tough and independent is it raises more arguments than I want to tackle. the Iron Chef as he sliced expertly through the part of the image a lot of self-described punk Which leads us back to the question: Why get belly of a wriggling eel. rockers try to put out there. They don’t need to married? “Did you notice anything about the plots of depend on anybody; it’s all D.I.Y. Then, too, Anyway, two weeks before the wedding I the past three movies you made me rent?” there is the anti-sentiment against everything was already starting to ask myself the same (Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that I also that fucks with the little guy or that represents thing and wondering if it was the best decision make him pay for the movies.) the smug, established, white, upper-middle to make. After all, this was the rest of my life we “No,” I said. I made sure my ankles were class: anti-government, anti-law, anti-religion, were talking about. Was I ready to settle down far enough away from kicking distance. anti-institution… which inevitably leads us to and be with one man for the rest of our lives, “Every single one of those movies was anti-marriage, because marriage is the biggest which could be anywhere from sixty years to about someone getting married and then chang- institution of them all, involving the government two months, provided that one of us didn’t get ing their mind at the last minute about getting and legalities and religion. Why sign a piece of run over riding his bike through busy city streets married.” paper for the government, making it legal for on the way to work (knock on wood)? I certain- Oh. Hmmm. “Um, no,” I said. “I didn’t you to get up in front of God (not to say that you ly didn’t want to start a family any time in the think about them like that.” I didn’t think about believe one exists) and swear in front of wit- near future. I had already given up my teaching them, period. After each one, I would realize nesses that you will spend the rest of your life tenure, salary, benefits, best friend, and beauti- with another person? Doesn’t that go against the ful little cottage in Cocoa Beach that I’d just made him watch a very crappy 37 to move across the country to a large city that I and close friends, and they all made plans to fly This had been our concept, sort of, but we didn’t particularly like, just so I could be with a into Honolulu, from Sacramento and Los hadn’t planned it to be so frighteningly exact. man who I particularly liked and considered my Angeles, Arizona and Texas, New York and significant other for the past eight years. In Florida. It was set. We were getting married, and I know the stout, sunburned tourist appreci- exchange for vowing to live with this man for- witnesses were coming from all over the main- ated the scene from where she lay on her flow- ever, I would no longer be able to stay up all land U.S. to see it happen. ered beach towel a few yards away. night hanging out by myself in my own place on The Tuesday prior to the wedding, Sean my own terms. Forget eating weird combina- and I drove to the Honolulu Health Department Later, after the pictures had all been devel- tions of smelly ethnic food that would bother to apply for a marriage license. The waiting area oped and Hawaii was once again a five-hour air- other people in the room, but which I could eat was poorly air-conditioned, and my hands sweat plane flight away, I tried to go through the snap- because there were no other people in the room. all over the form as I filled in the required infor- shots. I was searching for the perfect ones to Forget not picking a damn thing send to family and friends who off the floor, or watching bad tv in couldn’t attend the wedding. There my pajamas at four in the after- were so many posed shots of the noon, or working on various messy bride and groom, and I could only girly arts and crafts projects like stand to look at pictures of myself restoring my most recently for so long that I promptly lost my acquired Sea Wee doll from eBay. ambition and turned to the wedding Forget any more celebration of sin- gifts instead. gledom. It’s official; I’m no longer Not that Sean wouldn’t let me single. We have posed pictures for do any of these things. He would, documentation. But those shots and he wouldn’t care. But the fact aren’t the most important thing to remained that I wouldn’t be able to me. My favorites are the candids, kick him out of my apartment at the pictures of other people who the end of the evening. I wouldn’t flew out thousands of miles to be a be able to leave his place to return part of it all. Pictures of strangers to the comfort of my own nest. I coming together to meet like old would no longer have the luxury of friends. Hugs, leis being sleeping alone in my own big bed. exchanged, laughter. Guests arriv- I would no longer be alone. ing in aloha shirts, shorts, flip flops, and casual, breezy dresses. A It’s true that I wanted to get reception held in an old plantation- married. When I was a lot younger, style beach pavilion, complete with I wanted the big diamond, the big red painted picnic tables and layers dress, the big wedding. In time, of peeling tape left behind by gen- though, those things became less erations of other parties. important when I started to realize Centerpieces of ti leaves and tropi- that the person you dated had more cal flowers that had been covertly to do with a nice marriage than picked by my brothers at a nearby Felizon Vidad things like spending a thousand beachside road. Everyone pitching bucks on a wedding cake. In time, in to help carry trays of sushi, what was more important to me shoyu chicken, and potato-maca- was getting a commitment from a roni salad from the catering van. A boyfriend whose only proposal wedding dinner eaten off paper was that we have a long-distance plates; pineapples as table decora- relationship after he moved to the tions. Family and friends clinking opposite coast to go start a punk plastic forks against aluminum rock magazine. I wanted to know cans of Hawaiian Sun, raising them that being separated was only tem- high in the tradition of calling the porary. I needed tangible reassur- newly married couple to kiss each ance that I wouldn’t be left to die other. White plumerias floating in miserable and alone. I thought that water-filled glass bowls. An awk- being engaged was the answer. ward kiss, a clumsy smile. I think that I thought like a lot Laughter. of other women do. I think that youth, insecurity, and inexperience contribute to mation. All of a sudden, it was becoming too So, why get married? Why marriage? a lot of girls wanting to get married and putting real. Here we were, just a few days before the I never did answer Tommy. At the time, the the pressure on their boyfriends. Someone once wedding, people spending thousands of dollars reply wasn’t there for me to give instantly. It told me, “Every girl should live alone at least a to see us get married, and the memory of wasn’t so obvious. Rather than seeing the simple year before she even starts to think about wanting Tommy’s questions echoing my own thoughts. answer to a simple question, I’d made it much to get married.” I didn’t pay much attention to So, why marriage? Why get married? Was this more complicated than it needed to be. It took a those words at the time. I was too busy reading what I really wanted? journey for me to arrive at the answer to my The Rules. But then time passed and, without uncertainty. purposely setting out to do so, I found myself We told everyone to be at the beach pavil- Because there it was, right in front of me. living alone for well over the one year mini- ion Saturday afternoon by five. Six people were Under the glow of a few bare 75-watt light bulbs mum. I had a significant other, but geography staying at my parents’ house, and there was only in an open-air pavilion and the light of the full freed me of a co-dependent relationship in one bathroom. This resulted in my oldest broth- moon, this was the culmination of our travels: which the two people are constantly, physically er running late and the wedding ceremony not my new husband and the people I loved, all con- together. I began to realize that being alone was taking place on the beach until right before sun- gregated from thousands of miles away to be good. I could do it. And I actually kind of liked set. The late afternoon sun behind our heads lent together on this little island in the middle of the it. an amber light, the color of a glass of iced tea. Pacific Ocean. A celebration of happiness and Picture this wedding tableau: a frame of love. We thought it would be a good idea to set Australian pines gently rustling in the sea Really, that’s all there is to remember. I’ll the wedding in my hometown on the North breeze, slow sets of waves rolling evenly along have Sean to remind me when I forget. 38 Shore of Oahu. We invited family the shoreline, a sky free of clouds, a perfect sunset. —Felizon

heard of (Or, in my case, a band I couldn’t place the name to the sound.) These influences are flaunted through- out their songs, but the sound doesn’t come off as stolen. It’s completely their own. Completely gen- uine. And com- pletely rocking. Interview: Megan Pants * Photos: Retodd You’re left with the nostalgic feel of rediscovering a With the release of their cloudy. While others are so favorite record you’d misplaced. album, L’explosion du son de focused on how to fit under the It’s fresh and new and raw, but maintenant! (The Now Sound label of garage, the Jewws are too there’s history. So are they the Explosion!), I began to wonder busy cranking out some of the now sound? The then sound? The if the Jewws are the “now best music around. Their secret soon sound? I don’t know. sound.” Probably a bit too is that they love music. They’ve They’ve created something much. I even checked the dic- done their homework. It shows. beyond all that. One thing is for tionary: “Now. slang. current- Talk to them for fifteen minutes certain: as long as they’re play- ly fashionable; trendy.” That and they’ll bring up a readily ing, I’ll be rockin’ to the Space made my thinking even more accessible band that you’ve never City beat. Megan: Have you ever been asked to play a friend of mine. Simultaneously, two different decide to release all of your stuff on vinyl bar/bat mitzvah? people were like, “Yeah, we heard you guys rather than CD and vinyl? All: No. were playing with the Butthole Surfers.” We Rebecca: Nobody’s come to us with… Megan: Have you ever gotten the feeling that were like, “Noooo…” Nobody from the club Omari: It’s kind of just worked out that way. you’ve been incredibly misbilled for a show? bothered to call us. I got a hold of their book- It wasn’t a decision. Europeans buy vinyl, Matt: We opened for the Butthole Surfers the ing agent. I was like, “What’s the deal?” and Americans don’t. That’s pretty much it. other day. they were like, “We want you to play.” So I Matt: Americans do, but American labels are Megan: How’d you get that? called the club back, the club was like, [snotty so just reluctant nowadays to put out the vinyl Matt: They asked us to play, so I don’t know business-guy voice] “Yeah, they want you to because you just don’t make the money off of how misbilled that is if they wanted us to play.” We had to beg and plead and sell my it. play. soul to get fifty dollars and beer tickets. Omari: It’s more expensive and you charge Retodd: How did it go? Retodd: For the whole band? less for it. Matt: Great. It was fun. It was a club in Matt: Yeah. Matt: If somebody wanted to put out a CD Houston that we forbid ourselves from play- Rebecca: But the Buttholes let us have their for us, we’d be all for it. It wasn’t a conscious ing. It has to be an amazing show for us to beer. thing, it’s just that no one’s asked. even go there. Supposedly King Coffee is a Matt: Because they’re all AA now. Megan: Rebecca, what’s the Hair Squad? fan and wanted us to play. And they played all Retodd: What kind of beer do the Buttholes Rebecca: That’s Junior Varsity, isn’t it? old stuff, so it wasn’t totally crazy. Matt: Hey, she did her research. Megan: Is it true that they wanted Rebecca: Damn, that’s my little hair you to play, but the club went and Buxom fox seeks the biggest loser reading this paper right cutting thing… booked someone else? now to follow me around and creep me out. Matt: Clique. Matt: Yeah. Rebecca: …I’ve got the girls that I Omari: That’s to be expected from make model my hair-do’s. this place, though. It’s no shocker for us. drink? Megan: What kind of hair-do’s? Rebecca: It’s the worst club – Fitzgeralds in Matt: It was a grab-bag of really nice beer. Rebecca: I just cut their hair for free and Houston. They suck. Rebecca: Red Stripe. they’re like, “Okay, it doesn’t suck that bad.” Megan: They rape children. Omari: And soda. Matt: She did some DIY dye-jobs in there, Rebecca: Yeah, they support child labor. Matt: They didn’t drink any beer. After the too. Matt: They print their tickets with fetus ink. show, Paul Leary and King Coffee had one Rebecca: I like to do my own hair, too. I do Megan: How did you find out they wanted beer apiece. They didn’t even drink it all. my mom’s hair. She’s in the Squad. you to play? Rebecca: We drank all their beer. Retodd: Do you have headshots of them all? Omari: [to Matt] Didn’t you find out? Megan: Who is Baron Von Rock? Rebecca: I need to get some. I don’t have ‘em Matt: Well, basically you were at the practice Omari: That’s a good question. yet. space at the same time I was talking to a Megan: On your liner notes you have some- Omari: She’s not that pro, yet. thing written by Ray Price Rebecca: I cut my own hair. from Crack Pipe. I went to Megan: Me too. their site and they had all Rebecca: It’s so much cheaper. these essays written by Megan: And you have no one to bitch at but Baron Von Rock. One of yourself if it looks bad. them was called We Can Rebecca: Exactly. Make the World a Better Megan: You have Mel Brooks and Bill Cosby Place to Live and I thought sampled on the album. What do you find you had maybe gotten the yourself quoting? title for your album from that Rebecca: Seinfeld. essay. Omari: That’s too much. Anything. Omari: No, I’ve never seen Matt: Don Rickles. We’re always saying, the Crack Pipe’s website, “Hello, dummy.” actually. Retodd: Any other direct quotes that you can Rebecca: But tell us the think of? story. Omari: No. Megan: There’s a section of Matt: No, you always say, “Why make bil- it that goes: “The explosion lions when you can make millions?” of rock-n-roll/the intense Omari: No, that’s just my little tag on my e- NOW FEELING/the NOW mail: “Why make trillions when we can make SOUND.” millions?” Omari: It’s a slight sort of Matt: I’m always quoting some comedian underground buzz phrase and trying to pass it off like I came up with it. from the ‘60s: “the now You say it, then you kind of look out of the sound.” And me and Ray are corner of your eye at the person. Ehhhhhhh?! on the same wavelength Are you gonna buy that I came up with that, when it comes to that kind of or…. stuff. Omari: It works either way, ‘cause if they Megan: And is the reason recognize it… it’s in French mostly because Matt: You’re down. it was released on a Belgian Megan: You’re in. label? Matt: “Oh, you’re down with Sinbad?!” Rebecca: Because it sounds Megan: “I saw that Star Search episode.” hot! Okay, your 10” was released on Remedial Omari: It’s mod and hip. Records out of Houston, your 7” on Alien Rebecca: It sounds hot. Snatch from Germany, and your Megan: What made you LP is out of Belgium on 41 Demolition Derby. Why have you gone friend/mentor to us, like he is to tons of peo- Thirteenth Floor Elevators. through all those routes? Or is that just how ple in Texas. Rebecca: He didn’t play it when I was a kid. they’ve come to you? Rebecca: Sugar Shack knew him, so they He never told us about it. Omari: The single and the LP both came hooked us up. Omari: He just knew about it. about because of the 10”, which made it to Omari: Sugar Shack was supposed to play Rebecca: He’s like, “I used to surf and throw Europe, and people really dug it. That’s about and cancelled. They were like, “Well, we just rock concerts.” it. played with this band, The Jewws, a month Omari: “I used to go see those bands, I saw Rebecca: They both happened to come from ago and they can play.” Jimi Hendrix.” the same spot. Rebecca: And then everybody went to that Rebecca: “I saw Jimi Hendrix.” Like when Matt: I wouldn’t imagine that we’re too par- show, so everybody saw us there. I’m twenty, he tells me. Megan: What was one Megan: I grew up listening to the Kingston band that you heard all the Trio, and my dad listens to good music. time as a kid, like your Retodd: I still rock the Kingston Trio! parent’s favorite band, that [laughter followed by a long silence, all look- you hated, but over time ing at Retodd, followed by another round of have come to appreciate laughter] and now you like them? Megan: Omari, you’re doing an independent Matt: For me, Fleetwood study in audio engineering, which has proba- Mac. I kind of like bly helped you guys out since you’ve done Fleetwod Mac now. You mixing and producing on the albums. Do you know, hot tub, roll a doo- think that it has allowed you to have a sound bie, listen to some that a lot of bands don’t have right now? With Fleetwood Mac, drink you it seems like it’s a dirty sound that’s well some sangria. recorded. Retodd: Then you find out Omari: Yeah, the dirt is there because… it’s that Stevie Nicks has had already there. Our records are pretty much cocaine blown up her ass, live. You’re not going to see us play live and that kind of thing. think it’s something, like, “This is a whole Matt: That makes it even different thing from what I hear on the record- more so. But I could not ing.” I mean, they’re pretty hi-fi. have hated a band more Matt: They’re just recorded live and strictly when I was a kid. They analog. haven’t won me over with Omari: We’ve never gone with the what-can- the James Taylor yet. I we-do-to-make-it-sound-crappy idea. can’t go there. Matt: I couldn’t have been more skeptical Omari: For me, it’s either when Omari was going to mix it, I mean just stuff that my mom played to be honest. I think he did an awesome job on for me as a kid, I liked then it. I think it sounds great. and I still like now, or Megan: I agree. it’s… Barry Mannilow’s Matt: There goes the head. Pwisssssh. never gonna happen. My Rebecca: Whoooo. mom listened to good Omari: I think I did awesome, too. music, I have to say. Matt: See what I mean! Megan: Like what? Omari: No, it was fun. It was super-fun doing Omari: Stevie Wonder, it. blues, Lightnin’ (Sam) Rebecca: Tell them where you did it. Hopkins. You can’t go Omari: What? Omari: We’ve never gone with the wrong with that. Rebecca: The studio. what-ccan-wwe-ddo-tto-mmake-iit-ssound-ccrappy idea. Matt: My folks didn’t lis- Omari: Oh, it’s researchable, it’s not a secret. ten to Lightnin’ Hopkins, I did it all by myself for two days. It was awe- that’s for sure. some. ticularly picky about who we would put out a Rebecca: I don’t have one for that. Rebecca: It was at… record with, but they asked. Omari: Anita Baker. Megan: Sugar Hill, wasn’t it? Where Big Omari: They’re both great. Rebecca: Awww I don’t like her, man. No Bopper… Matt: They’re nice guys to work with. way. Rebecca: Yeah, and Destiny’s… Omari: Yeah. Daniel from Alien Snatch and Omari: I’m not going to say that I like it, but Megan: Child. Chris from Demolition Derby are both awe- I can’t say it’s terrible. I can’t say that it’s bad Omari: It’s rumored that Big Bopper –no some. and I hate it. tapes are left over. Retodd: How did Sam (Remedial Records) Rebecca: My mom plays it every fuckin’ day. Megan: It’s on their site. find you guys? Every fuckin’ day I hear some [inaudible high Omari: Yeah, well no one else makes the Omari: Houston. I think he saw us when we pitched singing.] claim, so… played Austin with the Headcoats, which was Omari: That was just when I was really Megan: Those are the two names I can a huge show. It was our first Austin show. I young. remember: the Big Bopper and Destiny’s think he saw us there when he used to live Rebecca: My parents got bad taste. My dad Child. there. likes AC/DC, but I already liked them, so I Omari: Archie Bell and the Drells. There’s a Rebecca: Tim, did he get us on that show? guess that doesn’t count. million things. No one cares that Sir Douglas Omari: Tim Kerr (Big Boys) was the one set- Retodd: What’s the worst band that your par- Quintet recorded something there besides us. ting up the show. ents listen to, like Slipknot or something? Matt: We have a friend in Houston. It’s not Megan: How did you get involved with Tim? Rebecca: No, my dad listens to Creed. He his full-time job, but he does music research Omari: Tim, we just met because he’s a total likes the Who, but he listens to Creed. and he’s there all the time at Austin scenester. He’s pretty much a Omari: He knew about Blue Cheer and the Sugar Hill. Just digging 43 through piles and piles of tapes. [thick Texas Wait a minute, kind of like old people. I a real estate agent, or something, and bought a accent] “Oh man. I just found that blah blah worked in ICU for six or seven years, so now truck. Where I’m at now, he’s driving down blah recorded another song here. I found it. I have kind of a cush job, much more mellow. to Baja, Mexico. He gave it all up and is liv- Oh Boy.” I get off at three every day, no weekends, six ing this wild, nomadic lifestyle. He gets into Rebecca: “Don’t you have it already?” weeks vacation every year – so I’m getting all this trouble, sells hash. Matt: “No, you just found the tape!” He’s paid right now to be here. Retodd: Who’s the author? super-collector-weirdo-freak. Megan: That helps. Matt: Allan Weisbecker. Megan: What exactly is the difference Matt: I’m the yuppie of the band. Omari: I don’t really read books, a lot of between mixing, mastering, and producing? Megan: How did you get involved with Brian magazines. I read a lot of book reviews. I feel Omari: The thing about a producer is that Teasley (Man… Or Astro-Man)? that I get the gist of them that way. there are no qualifications. Anybody can say, Omari: Who is Brian Teasley? Megan: Matt, what trick were you trying to “Oh, I’m a producer.” It pretty much just has Megan: Birdstuff. pull when you broke your arm? to do with developing the sound of an album. Omari: Ohhhh. The whole Man… Or Astro- Matt: Omari’s going to laugh. Retodd: In what way? Money? Man thing is just that they opened up for busi- Omari: How’d you know that? That was a Megan: Is it more like picking instruments? ness. The studio that they always recorded long time ago. Omari: The executive producer, that’s the in… Matt: I was nineteen. In my college town guy that pays for it, and he probably wasn’t Megan and Retodd: Zero Returns? there was a cement ditch. There was a gradual even there when it happened. The producer, it Omari: Yeah. I just saw it and called them downhill and it had a hip. It turned a corner could be any level, sometimes a producer is up. That’s pretty much all there is to that little almost ninety degrees, so you could go over just a named slapped on there to sell albums story. the hip and go down the other side. I was try- and sometimes it’s the guy who’s completely Rebecca: I think that guy was in a mouth- ing to do an air over that and I landed too far responsible for the album being good. It’s wash commercial, that Brian guy. He looks back and slammed colossaly and the bone pretty much a person who is not in the band, like a guy in a mouthwash commercial. went through the skin. It was bad. I was trying doesn’t work for the studio, but is there to Matt: Why do you say that? to do an air. In a ditch. Anyone who’s skated somehow shape the sound or outcome of the Omari: I think she’s saying he really looks a ditch knows it’s the dumbest thing you record. Mixing is the actual adjusting of like a guy in a mouthwash commercial. could ever try. Well, the really dumb thing knobs and EQs, that’s the hands-on, that’s Rebecca: Yeah! was I came all the way down this sidewalk, up multi-track. Mixing is working with the full Matt: There’s no other level to that. this hill. I was going about four thousand multi-track. Mastering is just working with Retodd: Does he smile a lot? miles an hour. I went out. I went out pro. the stereo that you eventually play at home. Rebecca: No, he just looks like him, some- Megan: Any other injuries you’re proud of? Mixing is just going from multi-track [Matt holds up his bandaged palm to two-track, which is stereo. from a skating accident the day Matt: Turning recording tapes into before, which he’d been telling and something you can print a CD off of, retelling his bandmates about on the or an LP off of. drive from El Paso to LA] Omari: Yeah and then mastering is Megan: Except the new one! the refining of that two-track that was Omari: I’ve never broken anything. mixed into the final product. Retodd: Knock on some wood! Megan: So is that what you’re plan- Omari: I hurt myself pretty often. I ning on doing? Do you want to start heard Tony Hawk’s only broken his working with other bands, recording? wrist once. That’s pretty amazing. Omari: Yeah, producing is awesome Rebecca: He’s just one of those kinds because you can kind of be the guy in of guys, though. charge without doing any work. You Omari: What kind of guy is that? don’t turn any knobs, you don’t have Lucky? to really do anything. Your opinion is Rebecca: Yeah, one of those guys. just thrown around and you get away Megan: Have you broken anything? with it that way. Rebecca: I haven’t broken anything. Megan: Do you have another day job? Megan: Other than hearts! Omari: Not right now. I’m about to go Rebecca: I sprained my ankle at a back to school and actually pay more Biohazard show. The worst part was to learn more stuff. that I was all excited becaus2 Megan: Do either of you have day e we were all under age and it was jobs and do you think that they either supposed to be eighteen and up. I was contribute or detract from the band? like fourteen or fifteen. I was like, Rebecca: I have a day job, but it’s just Matt: You know, hot tub, roll a doobie, “Biohazard, man!” They were playing a crap retail job. It does help me pay listen to some Fleetwood Mac, drink some sangria. with DFL, and I liked DFL, too. No for the stuff to go on tour, so I guess it one else liked them because they were helps. But I have to work, and work all metalheads. I was all excited, so I sucks. Matt saves lives. how. Every time it comes on I’m like, “Hey, started running around the club. It was only Megan: You’re a nurse, right? that looks like that guy! It could be him.” me and my brother, because we were the only Matt: Yeah, I’m a nurse. I work in a cardiac Megan: What was the last good book that you ones who liked them. I fell and fuckin’ busted cath. lab where people go after they have read? it and everyone looked at me. All the metal- heart attacks and… Rebecca: The Outsiders in high school. heads were like, “You dumbass.” Retodd: Cath? Is that catheter? Omari:[to Matt] You bought some books Omari: It was the guy from Biohazard that Matt: Yeah. We just inject dye into people’s recently, ones without pictures, right? Matt’s got you in. hearts and see where the problem is. the one who reads. Rebecca: I know! The guy from Biohazard Retodd: Have you saved any babies? Matt: In Search for Captain Zero (A Surfer’s goes, “Man, it’s not right. You kids shouldn’t Matt: We don’t do pediatrics at all, which is Road Trip Beyond the End of the Road). It’s be not able to get let in. I’m not gonna stand good because babies are dirty. They poop about this guy who grew up in New York and for that.” Then he goes and everywhere. They don’t have any control. moved to surf and then gave it all up. He was talks to some guy. Then he 45 makes me take some sort of oath shit where figured her out. That’s why I’m… friends that I’m still friends with. We just he’s like, “You gotta promise me you won’t Matt: You’re breaking up the band! hung out every day and drank beer. drink, ‘cause if you drink it just ruins the Omari: That’s why I’m like, “Dude, if you Rebecca: Smoked pot. respect you got with me and my band.” I’m ever need help, don’t carry that amp by your- Matt: It was kind of a hippie environment. like, “Uhhhh, all right, just let me in.” self, come and tell me.” Then she’s like, Megan: Talked about love. Megan: Didn’t you kind of pay that favor “Could you help me?” and I’m like, “No!” and Matt: Drink beer, play volleyball, get a sun- back? You took off your wristband and had it she’s like, “Well I’ll just get someone else!” tan. passed back out to someone so she could get Matt: That’s when you say, “Okay, I’ll help Rebecca: Hackeysack. in? you carry the amp.” Matt: It was a fun town. I had a fun time Rebecca: Yeah, that was at South by Omari: But I do that to everyone! there, but I think it had a lot to do with the Southwest. I passed it to Jennifer. I already Matt: You should say, “Let’s go get that amp, friends that I had, not so much the town. knew her, but she was broke. I did it real obvi- Rebecca. We can do it as a team!” Rebecca: [whispering] He met his wife there. ously, but… Omari: That’s just weird. Megan: Last question. Write a personal ad for Omari: Where did you get that from? That’s Matt: Then you skip out to the van and, the band member to your right. creepy, I don’t know… ”Whooooo we got it!” Matt: I’ll go first. [to Omari] Can I paraphrase Megan: Yeah, and I talked to your mom the Omari: If it was someone I just met yesterday your personal ad? Your real personal ad? other day… I wouldn’t do that, but come on! Megan: You had a real one? Retodd: She did, actually. Matt: That was part of the argument, too. Rebecca: In the last issue of Bust Magazine, Omari: Whose? My mom? Omari goes, “How long have you known in the back. Megan: Yeah. me?!” Matt: How about: Slender go-getter seeks fel- Omari: Oh…she’s nice. Megan: You met in high school, right? low tiger to rev it up in bed. Long walks on the Megan: She was very nice. Omari: Pretty much the end of high school. beach and poetry suck, so let’s do the pony. Matt: It was the sweetest Douglas family Rebecca: On the school bus. We lived in the Omari: Oh, man, I can’t even get into this. I farewell in the front yard when we left on tour. same neighborhood. pass, I’m not witty. It was his dad, his mom… Omari: That reminds me, she gave me the phone card so I wouldn’t have an excuse not to call every two days. I haven’t called. Matt: His dad gave the van the once-over and was surprised. “This looks like a van that might make it. I thought ya’ll would be in some hunka crap.” Rebecca: Cheech and Chong hunk of crap. Matt: Oh yeah, he made a Cheech and Chong joke. I think your dad was high, actually. He was huggin’ us and saying, “Aww man, I’m excited for ya’ll.” It was really sweet. It was awesome. Megan: What other band do you get com- pared to the most that you just don’t agree with? Matt: That’s easy. The Gories. Omari: That came up in the very beginning because people had no clue. Retodd: Hey Mick Collins, how are you?! Rebecca: You guys are black?! Matt: Does that make me Danny? Retodd: If so, you have to start wearing little speedos. RReebbeeccccaa:: All the metalheads were like, “You dumbass.” Rebecca: I’m Peg, so I’m still cool. Megan: What was the last petty argument you had with each other? Retodd: Do you remember the first conversa- Matt: C’mon, for Rebecca. Rebecca: Probably right before we got here. tion you guys had? Rebecca: He’s gonna be like, “She’s weird.” Matt: I know this one, too. Omari and Rebecca: I think I was like, “Ummmm do you Matt: I can do Rebecca, I can do everybody. Rebecca just got into an argument because she listen to music? What are you listenin’ to right I’ll do ya’ll next. Early twenties. Buxom fox asked Omari to help carry her amp. He said now?” “Minor Threat.” seeks the biggest loser reading this paper right no, but was joking and she got upset. She Matt: They had a deep debate over the now to follow me around and creep me out. thought he really meant no and then Omari… Rolling Stones Brian Jones vs. Mick Taylor Hey hey, let’s talk about the Makers. I can cut Omari: I don’t think that’s a petty argument. then they compared different mics. “I find that your hair. There it is. Now do one for me. Matt: That’s totally petty! ‘Cause you were, this mic works better for recording drums.” Megan: I thought you could do them all. [Omari voice]”I was joking. You never know “You’re right, Rebecca. Let’s hang out.” Matt: Oh, I can do me. when I’m joking.”[Rebecca voice] “Well Megan: What’s there to do in Nagocdoches, Rebecca: Single and ready to mingle. sometimes you’re serious!” and then it was oldest town in Texas? Matt: Aging hipster seeks attractive, thick over. Matt: Nothing, break your arm skateboarding. bottomed bartender in the El Paso area to Rebecca: We’ve known each other a very Bars close at midnight, and there’s no bars. invent drinks with and… long time. There’s no bar that you just walk into. Megan: Maybe more. Matt: Usually it centers around Rebecca. It Retodd: Parking lots? Matt: Yeah, and maybe more…I’m could be Rebecca and anyone else. Matt: No, clubs. So there’s always a bar, but tougher than your baby daddy. I’m Rebecca: Whatever. then there’s this huge dance floor with loud moving to El Paso. Omari: You know what, I’ll say it right now. dance music and it’s really annoying. I was I love Rebecca, but she’s so weird. I haven’t lucky and fell into a really good group of 47 sound like a stalker when talking about IIMinneapolis’s Dillinger Four. They’ve been my favorite band for several years now, and that fact’s pretty obvious. If you talk to me for over half an hour – it could be over meat loaf recipes or an explanation why there’s an anti-foaming agent in Slurpees – I could pull out a relevant D4 quote or just start humming one of their songs. Let’s cut down to the simplest of facts. D4 have nailed the idea that the culture that kills us is – with- out irony – the very culture that gives us life. They understand that we may hate banks, but have to use them to cash checks. We may hate our bosses, hate work, and hate that the taxes taken out of our paychecks make nuclear warheads possible, but we have to live, earn a wage, and try not to go abso-fucking-lutely crazy. Along with their non-dogmatic and smart-as-hell ethic, they’ve recorded a catalog one of the most ballistically accurate gallery of songs ever set to a four/ four beat. I don’t say this lightly. They’ve made many once-coveted sections of my record collection very lonely places. I admit, I’ve probably spent too much time thinking about the band. Fuck it. They’re so dead on. What gets me about D4 is how clear they are. Even when they think they’re jumbled, drunk, or out of sleep, these bastards are more insightful than most and just seem to have a deeper understanding of what it’s like to be honest, funny, hard-working, and hard- playing members of society. This isn’t a band that’s like a fragilely stacked collection of potato chips on the brink of being crushed. Their songs are steamrollers and so are the individual members who make up the Four. What do they sound like? Everything in punk rock, com- pressed and energized, and nothing you’ve ever heard all in one place. They’ve got melodies but aren’t saccharine. They’ve got hardcore speed and agility, but they hit every note and tweak the sonics. They can full-out scream, but rarely do. Topically, think along the lines of political and personal punk that hasn’t lost its sense of humanity, its sense of durability. They pervade a sense that everyone is included in a revolution, even if that revolution is of sound and lasts the length of an album when you’re driving to work or taking your laundry to get done. I introduce to you a band of heavy drinkers and thinkers, D4, and since I’m such a talker, this is the first half of the Interview and pictures by Retodd interview I did with them. The second half will run in the next issue. Enjoy. Todd: I’ve read in a couple places where be pro. You just want to play the music that holed, the more opportunity you have to people are purporting Dillinger Four as the you want to play, even if doesn’t sound like become what you hate. You’re stuck within saviors of punk rock. [laughter] everything else that everybody else is doing. a narrow definition of what you accept, but Erik: I think you wrote that. Todd: But not fall into a lot of the same if you accept a broader range of ideas and Todd: No [laughing, then thinking]… I did- traps that earlier bands fell into. different legitimacies, then there’s less fear n’t. I’m a little bit smarter than that. I can Paddy: Right. of that happening to you. There are still see the context that you’re working in. It’s Todd: Becoming a little more savvy, busi- things that you absolutely wouldn’t do and not a vacuum. There are bands that are your ness-wise doesn’t mean you have to adopt you would hate to be, but those things are peers: The Thumbs, Super Chinchilla the asshole, cutthroat attitude. probably always going be off limit. You just Rescue Mission, Toys That Kill, The Paddy: Right, and just because you enjoy a have a wider range that you’re able to oper- Arrivals, Tiltwheel, Panthro UK United 13. beer or twelve doesn’t necessarily mean that ate within. Paddy: I don’t think there’s any sort of sav- you’re a dirtbag, and by the same token, it Erik: There are things that we do now that ior anything. I think every couple years, shouldn’t be your schtick. It’s kind of weird. we probably didn’t think we ever would. something pops up. At the same time, I We’ve met a lot of bands that we see eye-to- That’s just reality, but that doesn’t mean that don’t want to think of it as a renaissance eye. It’s kind of hard to explain. I see what I hate myself or we hate ourselves because because punk is no one definitive thing. It’s you mean. I think there is kind of a renais- of that. It’s just that you live and learn not like anybody’s going to save it. It’s kind sance of catchy punk that isn’t pop punk, things, essentially. There are things that are of the same way, a couple years ago, pretty per se, and I would put us in there with that. universal truths within this group of four much ninety-nine percent of what I bought I like to call it aggro pop. Shit, like I’ve said people that will probably never change. was thousand-mile-an-hour thrash because before, if the Clash’s debut record or Sham Lane: In my definition, there are a couple there was a brilliant period of three years 69 came out today, they’d be pop punk things that I would never want to become. where there was just phenomenal records bands. There aren’t many things that I hate, but one coming out, but that didn’t necessarily mean Lane: It’s all quasi-social, semi-political, has to do with work. If you’re ever in the that there weren’t great things like Panthro semi-melodic beer punk. position of being a manager or a boss, never UK and The Beltones, stuff like that. There Todd: How do you actively avoid becoming forgetting what it’s like to be the person was this one genre that really honed down what you hate? doing the shitwork. The other thing, as far as and had this great stretch. No one can save Paddy: We don’t. It sort of just comes natu- the band goes is, hopefully, you’re success- it. That’s all I really wanted to say. There’s rally. ful in an ethical way and don’t forget what nothing to save. It ain’t dying. And if it is Lane: Change your standards. it’s like to play to ten people or try to scrape

dying, it’s usually better when it’s dying Paddy: Honestly, follow your gut. together gas money or try to do those things anyway. Erik: Everybody goes through periods that bands do to struggle to get their music Erik: The places or people who seem to where they realize – it’s that thing that out there. write that usually tend to be in larger publi- you’re becoming your parents. Everyone, Paddy: That’s the funny thing in the punk cations, where I’m sure a lot of what they whether it’s just bands or people, go through scene that everybody says and it’s totally tend to cover is the larger labels, the larger that. You start to realize, Ben Weasel wrote true, but nobody will say it in front of cer- package tours, the larger bands, and a lot of it in a song: “we become what we hate.” He tain people, is you will see a band play to those bands can be great, but there is a cer- wasn’t talking about bands. He was talking twelve people who should be playing to five tain amount of more of the same. A lot of about people. That’s just something every- thousand and you’ll see a band playing to those bands tend to operate the same way. one goes through. I look at myself and think, two thousand who shouldn’t be playing to Paddy: And sound the same. Look the wow, I never thought I’d be comfortable anybody. We tend to be really good at look- same. with myself being this way, but I am. ing at something for what it is. You’re the Erik: Right. And then we come in, and to Billy: You don’t have to be so dogmatic, little band that might not necessarily draw a them, we are on the same type of record where you’re afraid to change your position ton of people, but we’re going to offer you a label and all that, but we have sort of a con- from five years ago. bunch of money to play with us because we trary attitude to what they’re used to. The Paddy: Even in more of a scene or music like you and we want you to play with us. If not touring so much thing. The not tuning so sense, we have a tendency to buy a lot more we have that opportunity, we’ll take advan- much thing. All those things. We probably records and go to a lot more shows than tage of it just because we want to see you stick out. most people I know in bands. It tends to be a and we know our friends will like you. But Todd: They’ve even called you out for the trend, especially people in punk bands, if the flip side is also, too, this may be the big, hand-writing of your lyrics. they get any sort of notoriety, any sort of ritzy venue, but, hey, fuck you, your sound Erik: That’s not saving anything. I think so popularity, they become bigger fans of jazz sucked and your bouncers were dicks. And, many bands are basically doing things the or more sort of – some may say experimen- yeah, maybe it’s a notch in our belt that we same way in that world and we’re a band tal music – I would just say anything oppo- got to play here, but we don’t have to. that sort of had one foot in that world and site of punk. Then they get removed from it Todd: Is it true that you guys brought about one foot not, and they think, “Oh, this band and then weird decisions start getting made the reincarnation of The Arrivals? is changing everything.” because they view themselves in this broad- Paddy: Yeah. Paddy: Even the bands I’ve mentioned – er world and I don’t really think we tend to Erik: According to them. including the High Stepping Nickel Kids do that. We know what we like and we’re Billy: That’s a feel good moment. from Boston – people doing something dif- comfortable existing within it. Paddy: I think that’s the thing I’m the most ferent, none of us really sound the same. I Lane: In a weird way, it’s a trick question proud of as far as that whole relationship think it’s more of an attitude thing. You because it’s kind of like – Billy used the with other bands. We all loved the CD and know what I mean? You don’t really want to word dogmatic – the more you’re pigeon- called them up and we said, 49 “Who is this band that nobody we know in guitar parts are because I think that Erik’s an of a default thing for me. Chicago knows?” We just got a message to excellent guitar player, as is Billy. Paddy: To be honest with you, there’s also them, saying, “Can you come up and do Erik: With a lot of things, even now as the sarcasm. The two records (Midwestern these two shows?” And we found out later, much as then, there is not much thought Songs of the Americas is the other) that we they were already basically broken up. Isaac behind it. It’s sort of random. have had, well, there is the three, because and his wife, Sue, were joining the Peace Lane: I’m really scraping the back of mind, Vs. God had it on the insert, if people look at Corps. They decided to come up and do the but there’s some suggestion and maybe I’m how they’re used, it’s making a point. The shows. Little Dave from The Arrivals had still off base here, that we were actually tattered one in the window, the tattered one come to see us for years. We’d kind of met going to get a front man or a guy who was at the cemetery, and the one behind a gorilla. him before. just going to sing and that was going to be Lane: The founding fathers did not mean for Erik: His first show was a Dillinger Four the fourth man. This is ancient history. the American flag to be held up in back of a show, when there was only three people in Todd: Going into the present tense. Why is gorilla. That’s not proper etiquette. And it Dillinger Four. an American flag put so predominantly on was probably dropped at least once during Paddy: They came up to do the shows and the cover of Situationist Comedy? that photo shoot. they went so well, they were kind of, “Huh, Billy: We’ve always flirted with Americana. Paddy: It’s kind of also like the same way well, maybe we should keep on doing this.” Paddy: It’s kind of like a “Fuck you, we’ll where a conservative politician can say, It’s funny. It’s great. Now, we’ve taken take it back.” It’s almost a spite thing, like “How can you spite the American flag? It them out east with us, we’ve taken them out it’s so predictable to be punk and hate the means more than you’ll ever know.” Yep. It west, and all of our friends whose taste we American flag, but it’s weird, because, yeah, means more than you even know, and not in respect have all walked away going, “God it represents everything you hate, but on the a patriotic sense at all. Purely, if this is a damn. That’s a motherfuckin’ band.” It’s other hand, it represents what we are. A lot symbol of freedom, then I have a freedom to funny, too, because it sucks that they ever of people who have never left America, I use it and say what I want. It’s flippin’ the

broke up, but they’re the kind of band… don’t think they realize that. bird. Let’s call it what it is. they’re too good of guys. It makes sense that Lane: It’s kind of like in partial answer to Lane: I’d love to fuckin’ burn a flag on a they’d broken up at the point that they did. another question, which is, you can hate a capitol and when people say, “What are you They’d never think, “Man, things aren’t lot about the government, but you don’t nec- protesting?” I’ll say, “Protesting nothing. going right. We better get a manager. Let’s essarily hate the people or hate aspects of I’m celebrating my right to burn the flag. shop around.” It was kind of like, “Hey, the culture. What do you mean I’m some deviant? This things aren’t going well. I’m going to join Paddy: Actually, you know what? I don’t is a joyous thing.” Unfortunately, the people the Peace Corps.” “Well, that’s cool. I’m even know if I’m quoting or citing Easy who work so hard to keep it sacred don’t going to pick up a couple extra shifts at the Rider, right here; there’s this thing in Easy seem to understand that. That’s what, sup- bar.” It’s just kind of cool to look at them Rider where he talks about that. He’s got the posedly, makes it a good flag. now. In San Francisco, they tore shit up. American flag on his jacket. He talks about Paddy: I hate the government. I feel like I Todd: If you just had three members at first, it like, “I’m American. This is my country as get ripped off every day and I sure meet a why were you called Dillinger Four? much as anybody elses.” ton of Americans that feel the exact same Erik: It just sounded better. Billy: Hell yeah. way I do. Paddy: That was a weird time. Paddy: It’s my right to say that the govern- Todd: You don’t have to limit this to your Lane: It was kind of a joke, in a way. ment’s shit and it’s my right to say I deserve current job, but what’s the best scam you’ve Paddy: Literally. I wanted to call the band an honest wage and make that a law. It’s my ever pulled off at work? The Young Dillingers, because that was a right. I’m not going to stand apart from you Billy: I pretty much financed the Scooby street gang in Philadelphia, but then it turned and act as if I’m the stepchild, because I’m Don’t tours working at an auto parts ware- out that they were on the thanks list on a not. I was born here, too. There is no other house. Man, I was walking out of there with Nation of Ulysses record, and, so, we had to American who can tell me what America alternators, seriously, under the jacket, second-guess ‘cause it was kind of like, “Is should be and have their opinion any more dodging the supervisor – doot dah doot dah there already a band called The Young valid than mine, ‘cause I am American. Fuck loodle do – tool kits, car stereos, little things Dillingers?” And, literally, we were at the you. We’re a punk band. We gonna sing the like spark plugs. Matt, the drummer, rebuilt Emma Center and Erik was just like, “Why lyrics we do and this is a flag. It’s not patri- that van, but I supplied the parts to that don’t we call it Dillinger Four?” otic. It’s very unpatriotic, but it’s very mean, old van. Paddy: Honestly, I think anything we say Americanly unpatriotic. We’re a country Paddy: I can’t actually go into any detail will be a stab in the dark. based on revolution. It’s a fact. Why should about anything, because I still work at the Todd: But it seems very fortuitous that you it shock you? Fuck you. I hate the govern- place I’m still cleaning up off of, but when pick up a fourth member. ment but I’m American. This is my flag we lived in Chicago, I worked at a Billy: Those jokers had their eyes on me for more than it’s yours. Dominic’s finer foods and I worked in gen- years. Lane: If I’m not American, why not? What eral merchandise. I used to steal condoms Lane: He’s a lot to look at. Maybe not so am I? This drove my girlfriend crazy when I and cigarettes and batteries and all sorts of much in other ways, but just a lot of him… first met her. She’s like, “What are you?” shit and I used to take them in a shoe box, Actually, this is probably an Erik question to I’m, like, “Well, I’m American.” “Well, take them out to McGregor’s at shows, and answer, but I’ll answer it for you. I think you’re something else.” But, no, I don’t just sell ‘em. If batteries or cigarettes were part of it was, it fills out the sound to have identify with being anything else. I guess, three bucks a pack, I’d sell ‘em for a dollar. two guitar players. I think it gives the band technically, I’m Norwegian, but I don’t Boxes of twenty-four condoms were seven more options as far as what the know shit about what that means. It’s kind bucks. I’d sell ‘em for three. It got to the 50 point where there were people I didn’t even Billy: I don’t know. I think Paddy’s got a Paddy: I like to subscribe to the theory that know, and I’d be at a show, “Hey do you got better… Lemmy’s as tall as he wants to be. any more Marlboro Lights?” It was awe- Paddy: I think we’ve got a double-barrel Lane: The one thing I’ll say about Lemmy, some. “The funny thing is I do.” I’d run to Lemmy going on. about him being the ultimate badass in rock the car. Billy: That was pretty shocking to everyone. and roll is, number one: he never found god; Lane: When I was a kid, I used to work at a After that show, we went down to a night- number two: he’s never gone to rehab and; really fuckin’ fancy steak house. I worked a club in Minneapolis and I rocked the number three: that motherfucker rocks as job called “coffee water.” My job was to Lemmy there, too, and got a couple weird hard as he’s ever fuckin’ rocked, with the make sure no one’s coffee cup or water glass stares. possible exception of the Hawkwind anec- went empty ever, or you get your ass Lane: The funny thing is my understanding dote where he was on so many drugs that he chewed like crazy. The waitresses there of Lemmy, is that he’s actually not that tall couldn’t even stand and they had to sort of would totally fuck over bus boys and every- and he’s not that big of a guy. I’ve never point him to the stage and he asked, “Which one who they were supposed to be tipping actually stood face to face with him, but way is the audience?” They point, he takes out. After a while, to supplement my from people I know who have, apparently five steps, and he says, “Hit it.” I don’t income, I’d buy these really wide, loud, he’s fairly short and he’s fairly diminutive, know if it’s true or legend. fucking obnoxious ties that sort of stuck in but on stage he looks like he’s fucking ten Paddy: It’s true that his band tells him to the craw of the boss that I’d even wear them. feet tall. take all of the bass out of his bass when he’s I’d find the smartass at the table who would joke about it or try to make fun of me and I’d turn it around on him and convince him that he needed to buy it. And, of course, everyone wants to see the asshole eat his words, so I’d end up selling these ties I’d get for a quarter for five or ten bucks. I’d do other shit like stand on my head and pour coffee on dares and get big tips doing that. At first, the owner was so fucking pissed about it. He’d be like, “This is not a fuckin’ circus.” But then customers would rave about it, that they loved it, and he kinda changed his tune. The waitresses would be so pissed to hear that this lowly guy who they can’t even show the respect of – assum- ing that he knows how to work some math or algebra and knowing that he’s getting screwed over by them – they couldn’t take the fact that I might make five dollars that they couldn’t get a piece off of. It was a big fuck you. Paddy: I used to steal offering money when I was an alter boy. It was kind of my claim to fame, actually, with some of my friends that I grew up with, because I stayed being an alter boy well into when I very, definitely didn’t believe in god. It was good fuckin’ money, man. Lane: I think we’ve all had situations where you work somewhere and you take some rolls of toilet paper out of fuckin’ necessity. It’s not really a scam. Paddy: I’d like to think that everybody does that. Lane: That’s just real life. Todd: [to Billy] When did you find your inner Lemmy Kilmister? Billy: That was pure accident, man. It was hella freaky. I don’t know. We talked about doing the show (where D4 played an all- Motorhead set, all dressed as Lemmy) so I went to the Halloween store. Everyone was getting wigs. I got the warts and, I don’t know, man, no glasses and that wart. Paddy: It was also the black shirt, half undone. Todd: The same height and sort of the same build. Billy: It was pretty terrifying. It was a sur- prise to me, too. Todd: And your voice, when you gravel it up a little. on stage. Honestly, I’ve been doing that for late ‘70s that I get a lot of inspiration from bly give you a really articulate speech on the years, based on him. I played a and a lot of it’s going on today. I can’t crime of minimum wage history in America, Rickenbacker for years just because Lemmy remember what they call it, but it’s an art but shit, no one’s going to put it in its place did. form in and of itself where people modify better than a sixty-year-old man or woman Lane: He’s the ultimate rock’n’roll badass. billboards to have political statements, but that has lived it their whole life. It’s one There’s no doubt about it. they use Coca Cola and McDonald’s ads to thing on paper. It’s one thing in life. If you Paddy: We should have named the band do it and I view that as the same sort of want to try and effect anybody, you gotta The Kilmister Four. thing. It’s a creative, fun way to get across a talk like you talk. Just like Muddy Waters. Todd: I have a series of questions about sit- very serious political message, which brings Todd: You’ve done it several times in songs uationism. You guys okay with that? it down to a grassroots level that is almost and tackled pretty strong gender issues. It’s Lane: This is where I shut up. Common Sense in its own right, like Thomas often through how advertising affects both Todd: First of all, for the laymen, what is Paine. It’s easier to mentally digest. Too women and men. I’m thinking of both the situationism, in a nutshell? often, I think political groups get too heady songs, “Super Models Don’t Drink Colt 45,” Paddy: Maybe, it’s an amalgamation of and the thing is, you may be trying to effect and “Fuzzy Pink Handcuffs,” which has the isms without a respect for one particular ism the life of the janitor, but if you’re going to line, “She’s got a catalog, it’s full of hopes and an adherence to the idea that you could get grad school on ‘em, it might not register and dreams. It makes her hate herself. It’s use a cultural terrorism to get the agenda and it’s not ‘cause he’s dumb – he’s proba- what she wants to be.” across that people deserve to be free. Maybe bly really smart or she’s really smart – but Paddy: Especially now more than ever. It’s that’s too vague. it’s in a different way and it’s not going to more and more like that. Billy: One of the biggest things that I always register. Whereas, I think what we got with Erik: That’s something we’ve written about got out of it was not only a very strict anti- situationsim was that it brought it down to a a couple of times. It’s something we, obvi- government stance, but a very pro-individual very grass roots level, where it was we’re ously, don’t have first-hand experience with, stance. We don’t need this government, but not going to get intellectual about this shit. but every woman in our lives does. One we do need artists, we do need musicians. It’s just like this: the rights you have should thing that has been interesting to me is direct You should get fucking crazy and follow be stronger. marketing, be it children or minorities or the your calling. Lane: That’s a good point, that idea of ways companies can almost, to a point, Paddy: The pursuit of happiness. The bringing it down to a level where not only invent products then convince entire groups Parisians, I don’t know if they were fixated can people understand it more across the of society that they somehow actually need on that. It’s a hard thing to say because this board, but that people don’t feel like they’re them and actually have to have them. is why I had reservations about actually being talked down to or condescended to. Lane: Advertising has become so shrewd in using the term “situationist” on the record. It Even people who are very intelligent don’t terms of subdividing and dissecting people isn’t just the situationists that we’re into. It enjoy people talking to them in a way that into finding niches to exploit. It’s kind of was also the Motherfuckers – there were a could be interpreted as condescending. unreal in ways, sociologically. lot radically political but very artistic “state- Paddy: It’s funny, because you could proba- Paddy: It’s kind of weird, because even in a ment groups” of the late ‘60s through the bly find a college professor who can possi- pop culture sense, things are so ridiculous at this point. People think Destiny’s Child are kind of stuff, yeah. When you get into things go somewhere and not be from there and feminists. It’s so ironic. “She’s so strong. like flags and shirts, no. But, a lot of times, there are people that want to hang out with She’s willing to be this sexy.” it’s just kind of surprising. “Woop…. you. Some of them may suck and some of Lane: It’s interesting; feminism with con- Woah…. Hey!” Sharkey from Cleveland them may rule – and they really want to sumerism. “This fancy car, I bought it. This with that beer bottle. He was just being a meet you. You may talk about nothing, but very fancy ring, I bought it. All this stuff team player, but… Wow. Dude, I think I had you may talk about something. That’s pretty that I own, I bought it all.” It’s sort of a secretion for twenty-four hours. fuckin’ awesome. You can pull into Berlin, strange idea to me. Lane: I do have to say that we played a Germany, and there is a really interesting Paddy: It’s pretty fucking terrible. Shit, show down in Austin once where, apparent- guy who wants to meet you and wants to look at the two opposite sides of the spec- ly, the hand-end of a drumstick went up buy you a beer. And that’s what he really trum of what’s going on in punk rock right Paddy’s ass and, apparently, it got passed wants to do. He’s not brown nosing you. It’s now as far as the consumer cultures. On one back to me, and I didn’t quite realize and it cool because every one of us has been on the end, you’ve got these emo kids who are buy- went back into a stick bag so I had to play flip side to that. At first, you feel weird in ing these borderline designer clothing that’s the rest of that fucking tour, wondering situations, when people are like, “Huuaaahh, so insanely expensive, but they’ll couple that which of the fucking sticks was up his ass, I’ve been waiting two years to meet you.” with Dickies pants, so then it’s cool. On the and handling that every day. I’m not scared And you’re like, “This is creepy. This is other side, you have these “chaos punks” of eating a raw hamburger. What’s more ter- weird,” but then you think, I’ve been that who are going and dropping $140 on rifying to me is, “Do I have fecal matter on guy. It’s cool. bondage pants. what I’m touching?” Lane: The other thing about it which is Lane: [to Paddy] You probably bought your Paddy: I’m not really into the things in the amazing, touring in a band is so much about fuckin’ pants at Target for ten bucks and got butt anymore. being in the fucking moment. You’re not

your t-shirt for free. Collectively, with what Lane: Especially when it’s a surprise. No worried about the past. You’re not worried the four of us are wearing now, you could do good times in that. about what’s coming up so much. That’s a that for the price of one chaos punk’s outfit. Paddy: But if people are going to do what very alive type thing for me and after all Paddy: I think that’s sad in and of its own they’re going to do, I guess, let ‘em. these years, there are more memories than I right, too. But it’s weird. Supposedly, the Lane: I don’t know if you want to be quoted can even begin to recall that I didn’t even economy’s good, so that’s what happens. as saying that. That might bring a whole rash encode, that I couldn’t retrieve. It’s a very We’re living in kooky times. of people trying to stick shit in your ass. alive thing, even when it really sucks. It’s Todd: That goes off another recurring Paddy: No, I’m saying if people want to still being very much caught right there with theme in your songs – that the image of the stick things in their ass at our shows. Not no diversions. rebel is up for purchase is powerful. my ass. It’s like with the nudity thing. Why Todd: Why is it important that you guys are Merchandise doesn’t make rebellion. The did you come here to see us do it? Why anti-robot? leather jacket didn’t make Fonzie an anar- don’t you come to the show to do it? If I Lane: I’m not the guy who came up with it chist. knew I could breathe fire better, I’d be up – but, to me, what it means is robots in all Lane: And, at the end of the day, Fonzie front for KISS. sorts of ways, replace humanism, replace wasn’t that rebellious. He was the good- Todd: What’s the number one non-musical people, replace all those things that make hearted guy with an edge that people just benefit for being in this band? life worthwhile. Who wants to be an didn’t quite understand until they saw his Lane: Free t-shirts. That’s just a recent thing automaton? Who wants their art to be robot- heart of gold. Fonzie is all about doing the for me. ic? Fucking dance music? You put me in a right thing. Let’s not kid anyone. Paddy: For me, meeting people in a way fucking room with dance music, I guarantee Todd: Going by diameter, what’s the you can have real conversations, for sure. you in two hours, I’ll hang myself. Put me biggest thing you’ve been able to shove up There’s a social dynamic that develops on drugs and it’ll happen in a half hour. your ass? between people and bands. Erik: That’s all we have to do? Lane: This is directed at Paddy, I hope. Lane: I think, and this is going to sound Lane: Ba-boom, ching. Paddy: Geez. Wow. incredibly shallow, but it is amazing to do Paddy: Heck no to techno. Erik: The fat end of a screwdriver. That’s something for a period of time where you Lane: To me, monkeys are so real and pretty big. can show up, drink beer, hang out with awe- viceral. Billy: That bottle of Bacardi in Germany. some guys, meet and hang out with awe- Billy: Robots have one or two tricks. Paddy: Oooh. some people, and it’s not like every day’s a Monkeys fuckin’ swing through trees and Billy: That just wasn’t placed there, it was in fucking party or anything like that. I wish. throw shit. You don’t know what’s going to there, dude. But, that’s a pretty hard thing to do in life, happen with a monkey. With the robot, you Paddy: That hurt. That one was uncalled especially when once you reach our ages. know he’s going to go this way. for, too. That was not intentional. It’s an amazingly fun thing. Paddy: Because robots don’t make deci- Billy: That was a shocker. Paddy: It’s incredible, when you think sions but they’re efficient, so people love Paddy: I didn’t have time to block the shot. about it. It’s a huge perk that I think some- ‘em, but monkeys make a lot of decisions Lane: I’ve got to ask – because from where times people in bands don’t recognize. Not and a lot of them aren’t very good, but damn I sit I don’t really know – most of the time, that they’re dicks about it, because they’re it, they’re funny. is there actually penetration or is it mostly not. It really didn’t dawn on me ‘til we went Billy: Sometimes they ride cute little bikes, held in by the cheeks? to Japan. It’s phenomenal that we can live wearing costumes. Paddy: Things like beer bottles and all that this life, if only for awhile, where you can Lane: Sooner or later, a robot 53 may be created to do almost anything. pretty sexy. be trying to get people out, and people would Creating music and art will be the last things Todd: What’s the best crowd response be smashing every bit of fucking glass. that robots will be able to do, if ever. you’ve received – I don’t mean encores – Paddy: It sucks for the people who’ve got to Todd: Has anybody ever tried to push an that the whole crowd got into? work there. angle on you, like you should try to be sexy? Erik: We had a kickass thing happen – this Erik: It did, but it was awesome. Lane: Sexy and Dillinger Four are not usual was about a year and a half ago or so – we Paddy: After you’re done and you’re break- words to be in the same sentence. In our pri- had a little string of shows at home, probably ing down your equipment and you’re moving vate lives, maybe, but it would be a colossal three or four straight. We had a song off of off the stage and you look out and you see, failure there, too. Vs. God that kind of referenced smashing holy shit, every square foot of this floor is Paddy: Push the angle? That’s why we live glasses. broken glass. Pretty fuckin’ sweet. The funny in Minnesota. There is no need to push Paddy: It was more than four shows because thing is that we went back to all the places angles. We are not even within a thousand it went on for like half a year. that we usually play, which actually went to miles of anyone pushing angles. Erik: I guess it did. There are four that really plastic cups, so people got weaned off it. Lane: You see me behind that snow blower? stick out in my mind. Every time we play in “Damn it. I’ve been throwing this cup for ten Was that fuckin’ hot or what? You can’t see town, by the time people finally filtered out, minutes and it won’t break.” any of my fat under that parka. I look like a there would be a sea of broken fuckin’ glass Lane: As cool as that was, I’d rather drink real man out there, snowblowin’. Goddamn, on the ground. We would be like, “Thank beer out of a bottle than out of a plastic cup, that thing’s an extension of my dick. you. Good night.” And you would hear so please don’t break bottles if that’s going to Billy: When I came out of the bar, slipped on smash, smash, smash, everywhere. Security make me drink out of a plastic cup. I’ll just some ice, and busted up my lip? Yeah, that’s or bartenders or bouncers or whoever would let it reside in my happy memory place. Paddy: We have a few places where we always play, because we love the venue, we love the people that work there. Everything’s cool. Lane: We’re really at a spot now where people are less breaking glass and more lin- ing up for refunds. That’s how it’s changed. Todd: Have you ever walked into your par- ents having sex? Lane: At conception. Paddy: My parents have been divorced since the six months after I was born. Billy: I think my parents made it until I was about two. Erik: I can’t verify if my parents have ever had any sort of sex. Lane: He’s adopted. Erik: And my brother is, too. My parents had separate bedrooms. They didn’t always, but when I was in junior high, they did. But they’re such like a team. They’ve been together forever. They will always be together, but if they are, I don’t really know when. Lane: Or how. And that’s good. Paddy: That’s weird because I walked in on Lane’s parents having sex, which was really fucking weird. Lane: I think it’s always better to have a don’t ask/ don’t tell policy with your par- ents having sex. It’s kind of like you don’t want your parents walking in on you having sex, so why would you? Unless your par- ents are super-fucking hot, which none of our parents are. Todd: When was the last time recognized you found a weird chord? Paddy: For me, it was this record. “The Father, The Son, and the Homosexual Single Parent.” I don’t know how to play guitar very well. I know how to play a gui- tar Ramones-style and that’s about it, but I had one weird thing where I was really high. It was totally accidental. I don’t know if it makes sense, it just sounds like it does. Erik’s the virtuoso. He pulls weird chords that are totally structured things that techni- cally shouldn’t make sense. Billy: Every now and then, I’ll rock a weird one, but I usually just play the meat and potatoes a lot of the times. That’s why we’ve Paddy: Like Spirit by Up Front. and you’ve got Matchbox Twenty and Eric got two guitars. Erik: Spirit by Up Front is a huge one. I Clapton and who wants to hear that? In my Todd: What, for you, makes a timeless loved that record. Paddy loved that. For some experiences, when people aren’t desperate record? reason, we all loved that record, and the cou- anymore, that’s when they start harkening Lane: I’m probably the least qualified to ple times I’ve listened to it, it’s just funny. back to old time music and they start trying answer, so I’ll go first, and that is, every time But, the No For An Answer LP, I like still. to write Americana anthems. They start try- we do a record, and I thank god that we gel Paddy: And the Gorilla Biscuits LP. ing to write songs for 1930s depression peo- as a band and we have two amazing song- Erik: And most Youth Of Today I still love. ple and that’s when you’re really grasping writers – and I really do believe that. To me, Actually, some of those records I would have for straws. There’s enough shit that’s fucked a timeless record, there’s got to be six songs guessed, but there are weird ones. up today and what’s going around you. on it where you’re like, “These songs more Billy: Angry Samoans. Back from Samoa Erik: I was thinking more of where that than make the grade.” That’s a fucking great still rocks hard. quote came from, and it was a, “When would record. There are so few records where you Paddy: That re-issue of Independence by you be satisfied?” “Ultimate goal of the say the whole thing is so fuckin’ bad ass. Toxic Reasons, I picked that up just to have band?” question. I remember a time thinking, Most records, you might say one, or two, or it, just because my copy’s all beat up, and I “If we could get fifty people to come to most three songs might be bad ass. If four songs hadn’t listened to it for a really long time. I of our shows, that would be great.” And then are bad ass, that’s a bad ass record. don’t know what makes it timeless. It’s just you’re at the point when fifty people do Todd: Name a record that fits that criteria for got to be great. come. You can’t just be satisfied with that. you. Lane: A lot of time, it’s got to capture a The thing is, that’s just using an analogy of Lane: Boston’s first record. That whole mood and probably more than one mood. It growing as a band, but that works for sort of fucking record is bad ass. I don’t give a fuck can be the kind of thing you can hear in a everything. I think it would get boring. It what anyone says about me for saying that. variety of contexts and a mood will still would get dull if all of sudden you were like,

Seriously. That record is fucking amazing. strike you from it – not the same mood, nec- “We had a goal and now we achieved it. Billy: There are so many ways to look at a essarily, but many moods. Like, Who’s Next Now we have no other goals.” You have to timeless record. There could be a personal is a fucking timeless record. Hell yeah. keep finding new things to do. turning point. It could be the discovery of a Paddy: From the gutter to the penthouse. Paddy: You should be aware of what’s new genre. It could be the discovery of a new Erik: There are entire bands that have made going on around you. You shouldn’t be com- idea, a fuckin’ bad ass aesthetic you’re into. nothing but timeless records that still sound fortable. Paddy: It’s weird, ‘cause records, to me, that good. Lane: Or complacent, or any of those things. have been timeless, I don’t know why they Lane: But enough about us. Todd: What poor gods do you make? are. Todd: Erik, a direct quote: “You never want Paddy: Are you getting all Naked Raygun Lane: The ideas aren’t outdated, is one to be too happy being exactly where you are on us? Dude, none. Fuck, I don’t make shit. I thing. because the band starts to get boring.” got no gods. As far as I’m concerned, we Paddy: Well, it’s weird. There’s things to Explain that. Why are you afraid of comfort? made some pretty poor ones. The Greeks me, like Scream’s debut LP. That’s timeless Erik: Oh, I enjoy comfort. It’s “the grass is were on to something. I respect them for it. to me. That’s my favorite hardcore record of always greener” thinking that people always Lane: The Greeks, at least, had diversity in all time. I can’t really put my finger on why. get into, which I think is a good thing, as far their gods. To me, a god just detracts from Maybe because it’s kind of eclectic. I don’t as bands are concerned. If something is really real life. If I’m going to have a fantasy, it’s know. I agree with Billy and Lane. I think comfortable and you know it’s never really going to be a lot better than some god, unless it’s half genuinely a great record and half going to change and change would fuck it it’s a sexy god. where you heard it, and what you knew about up… Paddy: I’ve had people that have inspired them, if anything, before you heard it. Billy: Comfort’s a weird, relative term, me, but I don’t have heroes, and I never real- Erik: Timeless means just that. Timeless. It though. I’m sure a lot of bands’ idea of com- ly have. There are certainly people I know in was considered a great record and how many fort is getting on a label and getting on the bands who I know are being emulated, and I years later, decades in some cases, people put package tours and possibly doing Warped, can’t relate to that, ‘cause I’ve never related it on, who loved it then, and it still holds up but I’m fucking comfortable hopping in the to that. Not to read to read too much into to what they listen to now. It’s still a great van and bringing out The Arrivals or your very clever Naked Raygun question, but record for them. There’s always records like Rivethead. That’s what’s comfortable to me, none. I think everybody makes poor gods. that for every genre. But what I find funny, being in a position where you can bring There is nothing but poor gods. through years of any musical genre I’ve been friends to see a band that you think is phe- Lane: This might be a variation of what you into really hard at one point of my life or nomenal and no one knows about them and said. You start to look at something like a another, when I go back and the records I try to be in a position where people can dig god, and you’re setting it up to fail. You’re thought kicked ass, it’s interesting to see on it. setting it up on the pedestal to have it be which ones are actually the timeless and Lane: I think the thing is, comfort can easily knocked down. What’s the use in that? which ones aren’t. A record I haven’t lis- become complacency, too, and that’s where Paddy: God, I can’t believe I didn’t even tened to in six years and someone brings it comfort becomes an malignant thing. That’s think of this. Ask the question one more up in a conversation – it happens a lot with why, on this tour, I cut our RV’s air condi- time. straightedge hardcore records, records at the tioning off. I think the complacency, we’re Todd: What poor gods do you make? time, I thought they were the shit. They’ll getting a little much. We need to bring it Paddy: I don’t know. come up, and I’ll go, fuck, I should go listen back to the suffering and roots. Billy: It’s so obvious. to that. Paddy: You take the desperation out of rock PART TWO: NEXT ISSUE 55 ts Blackou Rolling

Interview by Kat Jetson and Chris Ziegler Photos by Kat Jetson

Part one of this interview will Kat [to Gabe]: Can I use your drum Texas. Pretty cool. the suits…” never see the light of day. Foiled seat to sit down? Kat: Hit Sid Vicious with a fucking Gabe: So the answer is no. by my tape recorder once more! Danny: He sits really high. Her thing? Kat: The last time we did an inter- I’m looking at it this way: these feet don’t even touch, Gabe! Look Chris: They drove to Texas and view, ahem, last week… annoying little mishaps have a at how high… I never noticed how The Sex Pistols were playing at Danny: Part One. way of making fun bedtime sto- fuckin’ high you sit, man. It’s like a Randy’s Rodeo or something, and Chris: The lost prequel. ries later on down the line. bar stool. somebody throws a bottle or beer Danny: The Phantom Menace. Besides, I think The Rolling Chris [to Kat]: Are those the same mug at Sid Vicious. And then they Kat: Anyhow, you were going to Blackouts like me interviewing questions as last week? Let me see. were like, punk and in love for a have dinner with some record label them every Sunday. So we may Kat: No! No one can see my inter- couple of days. guy. I want to know if you ran his just do this on a regular basis. No view questions. I’m very particular Danny: Good. tab up nice and good. matter, The Rolling Blackouts about that. Chris: [Looking at the recorders] Danny: No! You know what hap- are a “fucking awesome band” Chris: Okay, I’m cool with that. I Two tapes. pened? His name is Tom and was (as Chris Ziegler so astutely puts don’t like people seeing me with Danny: The proof is in the puddin’. supposed to meet us here at 5:00, it) that know how to rock “the my shirt off, so… Mike: You get a tape and she gets a but we didn’t know if he’s going to sexy”. Their sound is Beatle boots Kat: I talked to your friend Rawl tape. show up or not, and we didn’t eat and black Converse. Nitro pop (The Leeches/Jag Offs) last night Danny: Cut it in half. anything all day. We’re all drunk on and sock-it-to-you rock that and I was telling him how much I Chris: The Rolling Blackouts… High Life and we’re starving! So reminds me of everything from loved The Screamers. He told me point/counterpoint. we go over to the bowling alley to The Who to The Last, with soar- you’d have a story about that. Kat: Have you ever thought about get some fries or something and we ing boy harmonies wrapped in a Danny: Oh, I know one of the guys matching outfits to help boost inter- end up talking to the guy who favorite thrashed blanket. In case from The Screamers – Paul est in the band? works at the snack bar. Gabe walks you’re interested, take one of the Roessler. Not too well. My girl- Gabe: We were all in a band up and the guy [at the snack bar] interview consisted of new band friend knows him better. She hung before, and we all wore suits in says, “Hey, why are your eyes so names (Wet Cassette, Velvet out with his son in high school. like, ‘96. red?” And Gabe’s like, “I’ve been Revenge), nicknames (Gabe Chris: Have you been to his house Danny: It was a band that was all smokin’ dope.” And the guy says, holds two: Turtle and Songbird), or anything? about annoyance. “Lemme get some.” So we ended the importance of being sexy, Danny: Yeah. He lives right by my Chris: It worked. up hooking up this barter where weed (of course), the Press Your girlfriend. Danny: So we decided to wear Mike gave him a little tinfoil sack Luck game show, and a wall of Chris: Cool. suits. We played a show years ago of weed for pizza. So we’re eating Sharpie marker art consisting of Danny: Pets. Lotta pets, lotta pets. at The Foothill with this guy Tony this pizza and everyone is stoned donuts, bananas, and oozing Chris: Is his wife, like, Trudie? who used to be in The Lifted. Years and drunk and all of a sudden we things that no one wants grand- Trixie? later, it comes up and we find out see Tom walk in, and he says, “Do ma to see. But forget about that Danny: Helen. that we played that show together you guys need some money?” We one. Dig in and enjoy the tasty Kat: Helen Killer. and we’re talking about it. Tony told him we already traded weed tidbits this interview has to offer. Chris: Helen Killer – who hit Sid says, “I remember I fucking hated for some food. He bought us soda, Vicious with a fucking thing in you guys. Right when I saw you in though. He owes us. Next time he’s 56 Danny: Really small staffed. I hope Danny: Stipulations on that one. it works out. We’ll see. Kat: Speaking of videos, if you Gabe: We went down to the offices were to ever make one, what would and it was weird. it be like? Danny: Gabe was all stoned, wear- Danny: I have a couple of visual ing his shades the whole time. concepts for videos. One of them Chris: That’s brilliant. includes motorcross and fight Gabe: Finally they all leave and scenes that eventually turn into Tom locks the door, I take off my making out. I have this idea where I shades, and I’m like, “Man, I’m wanted two guys pummeling each high as a kite.” other and slowly the punches turn to Danny: He says, “You should be. slow caresses. That’s one concept. You’re twenty-three years old. I was Another concept is I want to pay stoned when I was twenty-three.” “oh-mage” to the guy who sang that Jared: That’s our A&R guy! song “Simply Irresistible”. Kat: I have a question from Sondra Kat: Robert Palmer. (of Cherry Temple & The Sex Danny: But I want the girls in like, Crimes). She wants to know if guerrilla warfare/urban garb, with you’re good in bed. machine guns, just like, hanging out Danny: Everyone likes to think and we’re rockin’ out. they’re good in bed. Chris: That’s pretty brilliant. But Mike: There’s only one way for her also a little disturbing. to find out. Kat [directed to Danny]: Okay, I Danny: Oooh! Good answer. Good have a three part question for you, hustle. I like to make my bitches ‘cause, you know, you’re the singer come. and the star of the band. Mike: Once or twice before I do. Danny: YES! Gabe: I’m not tellin’. Chris: “Danny Boom and These Kat: What about you, Chris? Guys.” Chris: I got my specialties. Kat: That’s my question… Mike: Special tease? Gabe: “Danny Boom Boom Band.” Chris: Dude, we’re about five min- Kat: Is Danny Boom your real utes away from talking about girls name? gonna wine us and dine us. came down to our practice space for two hours. Anyway… Just in Danny: No. Chris: So I wanted to ask you and he was blown away and real- case you guys get famous, I wanna Chris: Danny Boomenstein? about your impending grunge ly excited about it. We all sat have you make a couple of promis- Kat: Boomlowski? Okay, then your superstardom. down, talked, and had beers and es to me. name is? Gabe: What do you want to burritos. Ya know, it’s hard to Danny: All right. Danny: My full name is Daniel know? find people like that. Chris: First, no matching outfits. Andreas Holden. Chris: Ya know, I hear stuff, but Danny: They’re a rarity. Danny: We covered that one. Kat: And the “Boom” came then people start coming up to Gabe: And he’s fuckin’ hilari- Chris: None of you can date Drew from…? me, like, sixty-year-old ladies on ous! Barrymore. Danny: Actually, it came from me the street, “I heard The Rolling Chris: How many songs did you Kat: Yeah, she’s mine. getting an AOL account and trying Blackouts are…” So I guess the record? Chris: None of you can appear in to think of a screen name that word’s out. What’s the deal? Tell Gabe: Four songs. Details magazine. nobody had. So I thought, “Fuck, me the story straight. I heard it Chris: Where’d you guys do Danny: Okay, any more? I’m going to go with boomsexy. No all started at Starbucks. that? Chris: Yeah, nobody can guest VJ one will have that.” Gabe: Jared, tell the story. Gabe: Pulse Recording. on MTV. If you do, you gotta dig Chris: And the rest is history. Jared: Robert DeLeo (from Danny: A little Pro Tools place. out some shit from the vaults. If you Kat: That was the other part of my Stone Temple Pilots) would Chris: So, was it, like, all crazy? do it right, it’s cool. question… Where did boomsexy come in and I knew who he was You go in and there’s all these and all… nice couches. Chris: What would he order? Danny: They had this room and Danny: Hoochie pop with a it was all shag carpet. The ceil- cherry on top. ings, the walls… Jared: He seemed like a really Mike: Two giant shag bean bag cool guy. Polite. Very nice. chairs. Kat: A gentlemen. Kat: For shagging. Gabe: He is. Danny: Little mini glass tables. Chris: He didn’t come in with Chris: You know what that shit’s skintight leather snake pants? for. Danny: Nah, he’s a fuckin’ cool Kat: Really short people? guy. Chris: So where are you guys at Jared: We just started talking now? and I told him I was in a band. He Mike: There’s interest in the asked if we had any CDs or any- demo. thing. So I gave him our CD and Chris: Which one? “The Pulse he came back about a month later Sessions”? and said that he was listening to Kat: The “Shag Sessions”. it a lot and really thought we had Danny: Lava Records is interest- some good songs. Then he ed. They’re co-related with offered to record us for free. I Atlantic. It would be ideal wasn’t really sure what to think because it’s a small major. about that, so I told him he Chris: They need some feisty should meet the other guys. He young turks. came from? It’s like, “Damn, I’m bass. BOOM SEXY!” Danny: It’s gonna be like Titanic Danny: I had no intention of giving when the band is still playing while myself that name. I wanted to have a the ship’s going down. cool screen name… Danny: Riffs and solos everywhere! Kat: Yeah, when you’re chattin’ Gabe: We’ll be crying but still going with the ladies. at it. Danny: I feel ridiculous whenever I Danny: I’m gonna be finger tappin’ have to tell people my email address. as the missile’s coming towards me. When I’m talking to important peo- Look at my fingers! ple. This lawyer was like, “Well, I Chris: That’s awesome! I want to need your email address…” And I come to your end of the world party, tell him, “Well, boomsexy…”. And man. he says, “Wha? Boomsexy? Can Danny: It’s gonna be hot! Sexy! you, uh, spell that for me?” Chris: It’s like, “Bombs are on their Chris: Just like it sounds. way. Come by, dude.” Okay, so Kat: What’s wrong with being sexy? what’s the most wholesome shit you Danny: Nothing! That’s what I’m guys are into? Like gardening, stamp trying to teach these guys. I’m trying collecting… to teach them “the sexy”. Danny: I like to cook vegan dinners Chris: So Gabe, I hear you’re this every once in a while. guy who plays every instrument and Mike: I’m a vegetarian. you’re orchestrating all this stuff Kat: Do you cook vegan dinners for from behind the drum set. Mike? He comes over and you have Mike: He’s a songbird. your apron on. “C’mon honey. Sit Chris: What’s the story? This sensi- down and I’ll make you some din- tive side… ner.” Gabe: Yeah, I’ve been playing for a Danny: And we watch Sex and the long time. City… Danny: He taught me how to play Kat: Cause you’re in touch with… guitar. Danny: Sex. Chris: Didn’t you learn the drums in Chris: I haven’t seen that. I’m all like, two days? about basic network television. Gabe: I read about it somewhere in Danny: I only have the first three a magazine. seasons on DVD. By the way, how Kat: We talked about that in the lost many questions have we knocked Hot tub! Show me the hot tub. never be covered? interview. out? That’s all I want to see. Danny: The only time we’ve Mike: Every story he had started Kat: We’re almost done. Kat: Extreme hot tub! Extreme actually ever played a cover song with, “I was playing the guitar…” Danny: I’m not rushing or anything. heat! was on Halloween and that was Danny [directed to the readers]: You Chris [said in a hurry]: “Our music Mike: They should have a hot “Boris the Spider”. guys missed a great interview, is the most important force in our tub cam underneath the water. Gabe: We did a Wire song! suckas! lives. Next!” Jared: Some of that shit’s pretty Danny: Oh yeah, on KXLU. Chris: What do you guys do when Danny: Big bucks, no whammies, funny. These two people agreed And we did a Joy Division song. the Emergency Broadcast System stop! (sort of an in-joke from inter- to do this in front of millions of That was a funny show. Jared comes on… You’ve got fifteen min- view number one) people. was drunk and threw his guitar utes to live. Kat: Okay, so I went to party the Danny: People trying to come down and left us on the stage. So Danny: Write the most epic riff that other night and this guy was telling off like they’re J. Lo and Ben we had to do something, so you will ever hear. me about a new TV show called Affleck or something. we’re like, “Let’s play Joy Gabe: I’ll be playing guitar. “Extreme Dating”, and I’m wonder- Chris: So, you meet a girl, you Division.” Danny: It’s gonna be INTENSE! ing what you thought about that. want to talk to her… How long Jared: I had nothing to eat that Mike: I’m gonna hide behind my Danny: Dating is extreme. I dunno. does it take before you mention day. I had six beers. Went to the that you’re in a band? bar and had four gin and tonics… Danny: I usually don’t bring it By the time I got up there I up. couldn’t play shit. Mike: You (we) don’t mention it. Gabe: I picked up his guitar… Chris: Why? What’s the story Kat: There you go, picking up a with that? guitar again. Danny: ‘Cause that’s embarrass- Chris: Dude, when you gonna ing. Everybody does that. put out your solo album? Jared: “Yeah, you should come Kat: It’s gonna be like Jewel. see up play sometime.” You’ll have a book of poetry. Danny: That’s sleazy. That’s not Chris: When are we going to see sexy, that’s sleazy. you at Border’s playing for a Kat: That’s boomsleazy. bunch of a people shopping? Danny: That’s boomsleazzzzy. Gabe: I like to play in the I’m boomsexxxxy. streets. Chris: So what’s your big sell- Chris: I got fifty cents. I’ll hook ing point when you’re scamming you up and get you started. on chicks? Mike: Length. Girth. [Check out the MP3 sounds of Chris: Too bad the tape The Rolling Blackouts: recorder’s not getting the little www.mp3.com/rolling_ black- hand gestures. outs/] Kat: I want to know if you’ve ever covered a song, and if you think there’s a song that should 59 Interview by Designated Dale and Retodd Photos by Retodd

I CREEPED MYSELF OUT FILL OF BANDS THAT LOOK LIKE IS IN BOTH THEIR LIVE SHOW Dale: Let’s start off with… THE OTHER DAY. I WAS THINK- THEY SHOULD ROCK. SOME OF AND SELF-RELEASED ALBUMS. Matt: Christ… ING OF ROCK’N’ROLL. PURE ‘EM HAVE FANCY SCHMANCY WITH SWEAT, GRISTLE, AND Dale: [jokingly] You got a prob- ROCK’N’ROLL, AND BY THAT I CARS; IMPRESSIVE SLEEVES OF BROAD SMILES, THEY EXCEL AT lem? MEAN A FORM OF ROCKIN’ THAT INK; DASTARDLY SNEERS; COOL- FUELING A TYPE OF ASS-WIG- Matt: [smiling, knowing he’s DOESN’T NEED A MODIFIER, LOOKING, EXPENSIVE GEAR; AND GLING MUSIC THAT’S SO SIMPLE, about to be fucked with] No, just THAT DOESN’T DIMINISH USUALLY HAVE SOME KNUCKLE- ON THE SURFACE, THAT ANYONE with you. THROUGH TIME. I THOUGHT HEAD WEARING LEATHER PANTS. CAN UNDERSTAND. WHAT’S Dale: Every time I think of you THAT ANYTHING THAT NEEDED BUT, WHEN THE BIG, MEATY, AMAZING – CONSIDERING THAT guys – what do you think of the TO BE TAGGED ONTO THE WORD BOUNCING ROCK IS SUPPOSED SO MANY BANDS HEAR SIMILAR bands that are flying the so-called “ROCK” USUALLY DILUTED IT. TO COME THROUGH THE AMP CALLINGS – IS THAT THEIR SONGS “primal ‘50s rock” moniker and WHAT WEIRDED ME WAS HOW AND CRUSH ME LIKE A COCK- AREN’T SO DERIVED THAT YOU’D they’re not coming through with FEW BANDS THAT FLY THAT FLAG ROACH, IT ALL CRUMBLES LIKE WISH THE CLUB WOULD JUST the goods? How do you guys feel TRULY, FLAT-OUT ROCK. BLACK STALE GINGERBREAD AND IS AS POP ON SOME GENE VINCENT OR about that? SABBATH ROCKS. MOTORHEAD CAPTIVATING AS WATCHING LINK WRAY INSTEAD OF YELLING Matt: Um, well, you mean ROCKS. THE CRAMPS ROCK. DEAD CHICKENS. OVER SOME WEAK 3-D PHOTO- straight-up potato rockabilly or the FLAG OF DEMOCRACY ROCKS. ENOUGH BITCHING. COPIES PRIMPING AND PREEN- so-called “psychobilly”? THE ZERO BOYS, THE RAMONES, BLAZING HALEY ROCKS, NO ING. WITH BLAZING HALEY, THE Dale: No, just flying the flag but THE ARRIVALS, THE MARVELS, QUESTION. ALTHOUGH THEY GET FUTURE’S COMING FROM THE they’re not delivering the…[get- AND THE THUMBS ALL ROCK. CHOWDERED INTO THE PSY- PAST, YEAH, BUT THEIR FOOT’S ting irate] FUCKIN’ FONZIE IT’S AN INTANGIBLE, BUT YOU CHOBILLY/ ROCKABILLY SCENE – STOMPING ON THE ACCELERA- BANDS! [laughter all around] KNOW WHEN IT’S THERE. WHICH MAKES SENSE BECAUSE TOR, TEARING ASS, AND TAKING Matt: Fuckin’ Fonzie bands… LIKE WATER IN THE GAS THEY FIX THEIR OWN OLD CARS YOU ALONG FOR A RIDE THAT’S Dale: Yes! TANK INSTEAD OF HIGH OCTANE AND HAVE A STAND UP BASS – THE NOT YET OVER, WHICH IS JUST Dave: Hey, but you know what? FUEL, I’VE HAD MY PROOF TO THEIR TRUE OCTANE HOW IT SHOULD BE. Everybody’s gotta try, man. 60 Everybody’s gotta go for it. Dale: But you’re crossing the just doing what we love to do, so if Matt: Exactly. Yeah, I still work at Dale: Yeah, but there’s a thing, crowd barriers. you like it, great. If you don’t, fuck a group home with the develop- though, called trying and there’s a Matt: I hope so, yeah, definitely. you. mentally disabled – six of ‘em, thing of knowing when to get off Dave: That was our intention all Todd: Open ended question – great people. I also buy, sell, and the stage. It’s kinda like, ahh, speak along. We obviously have longtime when’s the last time you packed too deliver used furniture part of the of the devil. Look who’s behind rockabilly influence, but, you much beer into your trunk and you time. And I’m a job coach for peo- me! What’s the name of that band? know, it parallels AC/DC, punk forgot to take tools along? [laugh- ple with disabilities, so that’s my [Yukking it up abounds as I’m rock; that whole situation. ter] life. motioning to one of the opening Dale: [ribbing Matt] The band, Chris: Too many road sodas? Brian: I’m a silkscreen printer and band’s members there that night] Matt, not the lifestyle Dave: In the Blazing Haley van or full-time father. Somehow, I find No, but seriously, what do you “AC/DC”…[laughter] in our own personal car? [laughter] time to work on the old cars and, think? Matt: Exactly. Thanks, sweet- Todd: Own personal car. you know, collect shit. Matt: Do what you gotta do. If heart… hey, and not without dinner Dave: Well, what was that time, Dale: Collect shit. you’re not deliverin’, then that’s and a movie, Dale. Brian? We took the ’56 down, Dave: That’s my day job, man! your problem, but, you know… Brian: When you’re honest about and… [laughter] Dale: Fuckin’ fired. You’re fired! what you’re doing, the people will Brian: [smiling] Yeah, we took my Chris: I’m a half-time stay-at- Beat it! Get off the stage! feel it. They’ll sense it and gravitate car to a gig and it failed halfway to home Dad and then half-time I Matt: [chuckling] Exactly. It just toward it. the show. work at a call center. We won’t go comes natural, ya know? It’s gotta Dale: I’ve seen you guys at shows Dave: The Blazing Haley van had any further than that. be fuckin’ full steam ahead, hard- and people that look like they to pick him up on the side of the Dave: What’d he say? A car wash? hittin’ rock and roll with us. It should be doing karaoke at some road! [laughter] [laughter] wouldn’t be anything else. I don’t mullet bar, they’re fuckin’ gettin’ Brian: We’ve been stranded in the Chris: A car wash! Yeah! know. That’s all we do! their rock on when they see you van, too. Todd: Who makes the best dressed Brian: We give it everything we guys play. I mean, I think that’s Dave: Ahh, that’s true. Elvis? got every time we play? cool! Matt: Well, yeah, everybody’s Chris: We don’t dress up like Dale: I’m glad you brought that up. Chris: I think there’s a lot of bands working on some beater, so it’s Elvis, but we could look like him. I’ve seen you guys a ton of times. out there that just think about it too gonna die. It’s like, “Okay, he’s tak- Matt: I can make a pompadour Do you think that you’re reaching hard. If you have to think about it ing that car out for the first time. outta my back hair. That’s about it. more, not just the whole rockabilly, too hard, then it’s not fuckin’ com- Oh, no! There he is on the side of Dale: Your back hair? The back of hotrod crowd? ing natural. Okay, so just do it. And the road! Well, I guess we better your head? What’re you talkin’ Matt: That’s just part of our lives. if it’s lame, you’re lame? If it’s not, pick ‘em up. We gotta play that about? We’ve always been a part of that. then well, hey, there you go. We’re show. I can’t play guitar.” [laugh- Matt: Just, right in between the lil’ ter] back of the crack right there? Chris: Last time I drove out to Dale: You’ve got an assfro? Viva Las Vegas, I took out my spare Dave: [laughing] An assfro! Dave tire to fill the trunk full of beer. Matt: With some Sweet Georgia Well, the beer was gone comin’ Brown, I can actually make a pom- back and I fuckin’ had a blowout padour, ‘cause my head’s bald. Easter evening in Victorville Dale: Hey now! (California) in the middle of the Chris: Ask him about his pubes. fuckin’ desert. No spare. He shaved his pubes in the shape of Matt: And who picked you up? Graceland. Chris: Michael Farr. Just by Dale: Did you? chance, a buddy happened along Matt: Yep. Yes, REALLY, Dale. about an hour later. Just saw a [laughter] streak as he drove by, and pulled Dale: Were you selling the extras at back. the Hootenanny? (SoCal summer Brian: You gotta figure out what’s music shindig.) That’s where you more important: beer or the spare guys made all your merch money, tire. [laughter] the last time you played there, huh? Chris: Those priorities, dude: road Matt: Yep, either that or down at sodas or wrenches? the docks. Brian: Lady luck will pull me Chris: The downstairs secret stu- through, man. If I have a fuckin’ dio when you lift his sack up. blowout, fuck it! Matt: Gotta make money! [laugh- Todd: What jobs do you do on a ter] day-to-day basis? Todd: So, Dave what’s with the Dave: I’m a contractor. I build Marvel Mystery Oil can on your homes and commercial buildings in car? the daytime and build hotrods on Dave: Well, I cannot tell a lie. It’s the weekends and at night when the power steering reservoir. I I’m not doing that. Sorta have an needed one. I was kinda looking artistic life, basically. around the yard and there was Dale: [to Matt] Are you still a ‘tard some stray can laying in the dirt wrangler? [laughter] and that happened to be it. Since I Matt: [smiling] Okay, um, my put the blower on it, I actually had clients will read this, so I can’t real- to put a different power steering ly use the “t” word… pump on it, so I don’t have it any Dale: I don’t care! They can’t read. more, but the car’s blown now. They can’t read! I don’t give a Dale: Dave and Chris, your old fuck! western, gothic psychobilly band, Matt: But, you, all right, you slimy Ghoul Brynner, did that old band bastard… help get your songs with the horror Dale: I love everybody, including motif? ‘tards and ‘tard wranglers. 61 Dave: The what motif? ing. The rest of the band was okay, Dale: The horror… but Brian was fucking blowing me Party! Cool! Wow! Yeah!”, not was all done by Dave: [yukking it up] “Horr-or,” away. So, I was, like, “Maybe this even knowing who I am or any- you guys, right? not “wh-ore.” “Horr-or”…two dol- guy can do something on the side.” thing! [laughter] Then I hit him up Dave: That’s right. lar whore! We got together and talked to Chris in a nightclub and said, “So we’re Dale: Who distributed that? Chris: That bitch. She charged me! and Dave, because they’re the jammin’, huh?” And he’s like, Hepcat? [laughter] fuckin’ greatest rhythm section in “Yeah!” And he didn’t know what I Dave: They’ve distributed our stuff Matt: Apocalypse Now-type “hor- the fuckin’ world. We got together, was talking about. He just said from the beginning. ror.” [affecting Marlon Brando- just went from there. “Yes!” [laughter] He’ll say yes to Todd: A guy that mastered a very esque whisper] Brian: I remember these guys any band that wants a drummer. famous album mastered your last Dave: I started playing with Chris telling me that they got Chris to Dave: Literally, he was in five album. Who is that guy and how immediately when I started playing play drums with us, right? And they bands at that time and we were did you get him to do it? bass and it was great for me, really didn’t. playing together at the time and we Chris: Joe? Yeah, he did the Beach because, it’s like – I just lean up Chris: They tricked my ass! didn’t even know these guys were Boys’ album, Pet Sounds. He back on him. Dave: Well, they tricked me, too! fuckin’ coercing each of us to do it. worked back at The Record Plant Chris: He played with me, but not [laughter] He’s like, “Hey, did ya talk to in NYC. Did all the Ramones shit, in a prison way. [laughter] did all of Blondie, X, Talking Dale: It’s a love thing. It’s not a Heads, The Cars. The guy’s insane. power play, brother! Todd: He works in L.A.? Dave: No, but on a serious note, Chris: This is in L.A. Went to a we’ve been playing a long time studio called Ocean View. He together. Eight years. We can just fuckin’ loved us. We did it in HD- lock down the fuckin’ train from CD, high definition CD, which is hell. like 24-bit, or whatever? And he Dale: So from that, did Brian charged us just a little bit more than springboard on or who came next? the going price for mastering a reg- Brian: I knew Dave from a car ular 16-bit. show and we talked about jamming Dale: How’d you guys hook up together. He said he wanted to go with him? for it, as long as it’s above and Chris: Paul Dugre, our producer. It beyond the traditional rockabilly was just a friend, buddy deal. sound. I said, “Oh, yeah, I got They’ve done a lot of projects something more than that.” And he together. Paul had spent years said, “Well, who are you gonna get doing Los Lobos, X, stuff like that. to sing?” I said, “Well, I got this So they knew each other from guy over here, Matt Armor. We numerous projects before. jammed together at his apartment a Matt: I told him that it’s not anoth- couple times.” er fuckin’ NOFX wanna-be band, Dale: You never sang in any bands, or whatever. It’s somethin’ rockin’. right? ‘Cause I remember when I Dale: And he dug it. He heard the first met you, you were telling me thunder and he said, “It’s fuckin’ that this is the only band you’ve on! I want the project.” ever sung in. Chris: It was just the mastering, Matt: Nah, I was a D.J. for years in the digital mastering. clubs… Dale: Mastering can make an Dale: [smartassingly] Where’d you album or turn it into a pile of poo, D.J. at? though. Matt: Uhhh, I D.J.’ed, God, a Matt: He doesn’t even go to the bunch of places in Santa Barbara. Grammys, either. He’s like, “Fuck One of the places that you used to the Grammys. I’m not going.” He hang out in, Fathom, one of the gay gets invited every time and he clubs in Santa Barbara. doesn’t even go. Dale: Isn’t that where you used to Dale: Would you go to the sell hot milkshakes? Grammys? Matt: [lisping] That’s where we Matt: Fuck, no. met, didn’t we, sweetheart? Dale: Why not? It would give you Dale: No, man. the excuse to wear a new dress. Matt: I think so… Brian [laughter] Dale: No, I was pitching the milk- Matt: Ah, no, no, no, no…[laugh- shakes, not takin’ em. [laughter] Chris: They’re telling me, “Oh, we Matt?” And I’m like, “Matt who? ing] You know, in fact, I’ve gotta Matt: So, I did that for years and I got Dave.” And they told Dave, Oh, yeah, okay. I guess so. All buy a new dress. Not for the was always jumping onstage with “Oh, yeah, we got Chris.” We’re right. Yeah! When?” Grammys. I’m going to a wedding other bands. all, “Fuck it. Fine. Let’s rehearse.” Chris: So they basically tricked this weekend. (Dale note: Dale: So, Brian was basically a Brian: I’m driving down the free- our ass, but it was good. It worked Congrats, Chachi!) It’s going to be music friend of yours? way in my truck and I pass Chris, out great. pink taffeta. Matt: Well, I’ve known Dave for a and this is after Matt says, “Oh, Dave: We knew right away. We all Todd: So, Dave, what’s the most looong time. And I used to be like, yeah, Chris is in.” So I’m cruising kinda went up there going, “Oh, load your bass can handle? How “Can I roadie for you guys?” I’d down the freeway in my ’50, and I okay, let’s just see what’s gonna much weight has been on there? follow his band and I’d just say, pass this guy up and I look over at happen.” And it was magical, like [laughter] “Hey, can I carry your equipment ‘em. I get up next to him on the that. Boom! We just plugged it in Dave: Wellllll, I don’t wanna hurt so I can go to the show?” Sorta freeway, and I’m like, “Hey” – you and let it loose. any feelings. I’m gonna take the help ‘em out. I always wanted to be know, doing air drums. “We’re on, Chris: It was fun. That’s all we fifth. in a band, but it just wasn’t the right?” And this guy’s looking at wanna do. Fuckin’ have some fun. Dale: Matt, explain your name, right time. Then it was the right me like all, “Yeah, dude – whatev- Dale: Sleeper, the record before Blazing Haley. A lot of people time when I saw Brian playing in er!” [laughter] He’s doing it back: your new one (Mas Chingon), that think that it’s the this other band, and he was amaz- “Yeah, dude, drums! Woo-hoo! one was put out self-sufficiently. It nickname of a car, 63 the nickname of a girl… Chris: My two-year-old boy, Chris Todd: Or something from Bill Jr. Dale: What were you really look- hard. Haley and the Comets. Todd: So, you guys played a song ing to do? Oh, you thought Brian Dave: Well, I like Brian’s previous Matt: Well, basically my house with Nerf Herder. How does that was cute? Or you just wanted to quote. It’s basically that nobody burnt down on Haley Street in happen? play with him? played guitar like he wanted it to Santa Barbara. And like in the Chris: They live in the same town Matt: I just wanted to play with be played, so he just fuckin’ went song, “Blazing Haley,” I was sit- as us. him. for it, and that’s what it’s all about. ting at the bar and someone came Matt: Yeah, I went to high school Dale: Ooo! Exposé! Brian was actually the first one to busting in. I lived two blocks down with Carey. Carey and I had Matt: Not in a gay way, but a jail be able to verbalize it, but we’re from the bar, and they’re like, Shakespeare class together. It was way… each like that in our own way. We “Hey, man your fuckin’ house is on great. Dale: Why are you all crouching have so many different influences. fire!” I’m like, “Yeah, right, what- Dale: Hmmm… [laughter] over? And we definitely don’t wanna be ever…” And they’re like, “No, Matt: He was kind of a nerd in Matt: What? typecast as one certain thing, you SERIOUSLY. There’s fire engines high school. Dale: Crouching Matt, Hidden know what I mean? So we’re… putting out your house RIGHT Dave: [smiling] He’s still a fuckin’ Smanley. [laughter] Dale: Part of the Fonzie dungheap. now.” Ran down the street. I was nerd! [laughter] Matt: Smandeau! Reaaa-lah! Dave: The Fonzie dungheap, yeah. like, shit, pulled my stuff out, and Matt: Then we had our ten year Dale: You got a kickstand going Dale: I mean, it’s obvious. Like was meeting these guys to talk to Todd was saying – nothing’s really ‘em about a band. And I ran up the overcome, like you all don’t listen street to this other bar, and they’re to the same Buddy Holly records all, “Where the hell you’ve Matt or you don’t all listen to the same been!?” I’m like, “Shit, my house ten Elvis records, or the same caught on fire, but I’ve got a Chuck Berry records. You guys GREAT name for the band.” obviously got different influences, Dale: Which brings me to my next but it works. question. You’re probably aware of Brian: Well, and we also have a where Tony Franco used to live on very open forum in the creative Haley Street? (Tony’s house was process. home to raging band parties for Dave: There’s no domineering many up in Santa Barbara. Some person here. of the most drunken, destructive Dale: There’s no dominating influ- fun ever to be had. Bless you, Mr. ence on when you guys put songs Franco.) together? It’s kind of an open door Matt: Oh, yeah. I lived with Tony policy? on Haley Street. Slept on his couch Dave: Everybody has a voice. many times. Matt: Brian is one of the main Dale: Well, have you ever had a songwriters of the crew, but he date with any of those transvestites comes to the table and he says, or had a clambake, just to sing “Here’s my song.” And then we all about these things? Haley Street, kind of add something to it, you meaning where all the Hispanic know? I’ll write some lyrics, or transtesticles come out at night? something. Chris will write a song, Matt: Uh, no. But they have Dave will write a song. It’s not approached the house many times. like, “This is what we’re gonna Dale: You never had a date with a sound like. This is what we’re one-armed bandit under the dress? gonna wear.” It’s, “Here’s the song Matt: No. You’re speaking of and let’s go.” “Only a Woman to Me,” baby? The Chris: We basically jam a new one with the Adam’s apple? No, I song. Brian brings a riff in or haven’t. Have you? something like that and we rock it Dale: No. out. Matt: [smirking] But I’ve thought Dale: It’s not like it has to sound about it. I think about it all the like this cruster from the ‘50s or… time. I thought about it at a bar, Dave: Or matching leather pants. once, ya know, and I was very Dale: Yeah! Let’s not fuckin’ talk drunk. I saw what I thought was a about the opening band’s matching woman, and then I saw that leather pants! [To Matt] You’re Adam’s apple peeking out, and I gonna wear those next time – got scared, so I ran away. But it whaddya think about that? Call was close. It could have happened. you Sman Morrison… It could happen again maybe reunion, and we were sitting there, on? Nah, I’m just kidding…[laugh- Matt: Uh, yeah. I have a very sometime. It’s exciting. It’s dan- watching this reunion go on, and ter] small ass. Leather pants aren’t gerous. [laughter] we’re like, “Let’s go downtown and Chris: Tripod! good for me. Todd: Everybody has to answer go see a band.” So we left our Todd: Chris, you have Link Wray’s Dave: He needs suspenders, too. this question. What’s the smallest reunion about half an hour into it. signature on your guitar, you guys Matt: I’ll have to put in, like ass living thing you take care of every Brian: Me and the drummer from do a Black Sabbath cover. I mean, pads, or something… day? Nerf Herder grew up playing music that’s a pretty wide, diverse culmi- Dale: You’re gonna wear the Matt: Probably my penis. together. He learned how to play nation of things. How do you get it fuckin’ Mork from Ork sus- Dale: What, you hung like a light drums and I learned how to play so nothing overtakes your sound? penders, dude. And a fuckin’ dildo switch, like Howard Stern? guitar. We jammed together. Like the band two prior (of the mic stand (referring to opening Matt: Yeah, but once it gets Matt: That’s how I actually got show that evening before Blazing band). What was up with that? aroused, it’s a purple-helmeted together with Brian. I approached Haley) that we’re not gonna name, [laughter] Where was your mic warrior! [laughter] Steve from Nerf Herder and I said, even if they make “originals,” stand tonight? Dave: My two Chihuahuas, Flaca “Hey, Brian Lakey, I’m looking to they’re still a cover band. How did Chris: Rose Tattoo! With the sus- and Chico. get a band together and that guy’s you prevent doing that? penders on! [laughter] 64 Brian: My cat. amazing.” Matt: We don’t think about it too Matt: Exactly! My mic stand – when we played in Vegas, it was Don’t pretend you didn’t have that kinda stolen, or whatever, so we’re fuckin’ session in the trailer. a lame audience, but we just want- Dale: Yeah? gonna make another one. We just Matt: Um, Roy Clark is a sexy ed to get exposure. We thought we Chris: He was backin’ us, yeah. do our own shit. bitch. were gonna get eliminated at least Dave: He was actually a really nice Todd: I have a technical question Dale: You like his fuckin’ red, in the first or second round, so guy. for Chris. How big do you think white, and blue banjo, huh? when we tied for first, we were like Dale: He was nice? Would you Tom Jones’s quilt of underwear is? Matt: Exactly. I think Roy didn’t actually scared that we actually have donkeypunched Carson if he Chris: He hasn’t laundered that do what Tom Jones did. Tom Jones, might win the thing and get stuck fuckin’ would’ve started being a thing! They toss ‘em up used and I I think, had an avocado in there? with a seven-album developmental sman? don’t know who puts ‘em together And Roy had, like, a summer deal with Sony Records. Chris: [laughing] If he was being a for him, but that thing has gotta be, squash. Matt: And we lost. Later on, I’m bitch? Yeah, we would’ve. like, twenty by twenty feet, man. Chris: No, it was a baked potato, making a ham sandwich in my Dale: Fucking Reich-style? Just It’s huge! because it, kinda, hangs to the left kitchen, and Busta calls me up. right in the sternum? [Laughter, Todd: Have you seen it? or to the right! It was a baked pota- [laughter] And I’m like, “Hello?” referring to brother Mark Reich of Chris: I’ve seen pictures of it and to with sour cream! [laughter] Dale: “Shit, yo man, hey, yo!” Cynical and Hollywood Hate.] I’ve heard his interviews, and Tom Todd: Chris, what do you have in Matt: He’s all, “Yo! What’s up! Chris: Yeah! Fuckin’ curbjobbed says that he doesn’t launder the common with Budgie of Siouxiee This is Busta!” And I’m like, him! thing! [laughter] I mean, like, and the Banshees? [laughter] “Dude! This is Matt!” And he’s all, Dale: Oh, I’m sorry. Did we hit a they’re all… Chris: Budgie! Budgie rules, man! “I know”… And he just called to nerve about Carson Daly, Matt? Dave: Skidded up… Well, we’re both fuckin’ hung like say he loved us, and that’s cool. We Matt: [laughter] No, not at all! Chris: They’re skidded up… all mules. We both use the same equip- lost, but we were able to go back to Carson’s a very nice guy. He was pre-snailed up and everything. cool even though he introduced “V- Todd: You guys have shared some 12 Ford” as “Viz 12,” and then they weird fuckin’ bills from Run DMC had to stop the cameras when I to Ugly Kid Joe. How the hell did Chris: Ask him about his pubes. He shaved his yelled out, “V-12 Ford, ya fuckin’ you get onto the Tony Hawk great, idiot!” big gigantic tour soundtrack pubes in the shape of Graceland. Dave: He got it after that. dealie? Dale: Did you? Matt: He did, he did. And thank Bouncer: [Sticks his head out Matt: Yep. Yes, REALLY... you, Carson! back] Guys, time to go! Dave: I think there’s a Carson Daly Matt: Gotta put that in. The bounc- photograph on our website. I think er just went, “Hey, time to go…but, he and Chris were necking… oh, sorry.” [Motioning to Dale] Dale: Is that the one where he’s That’s Dale. Don’t fuck with Dale. ment. [laughter] L.A. and play fun shows. walking out of you guys’ room Dale: Thank you. Matt: Chris has better hair, I gotta Chris: We milked that thing. We down in San Diego, wiping his Chris: You know, there’s actually say. Budgie has bad hair. [laughter] got so much exposure on that. mouth, or something? two different people with Tony Todd: All right, this is the last Didn’t lose face, just went in there Matt: That’s it! It was like a Fugazi Hawk who we deal with. There’s a question – when was the most to play, and we kept our cool, man. cover! [laughing] He had the little guy who’s trying to put us in the memorable time when you thought We kept our cool. dribble down the side of the face. I video game, Tony Hawk 4, or you lost, but in the end, you really Dale: What was the MTV deal was like, “Carsooon…!” whatever. He tried to get us on the won? I’ll just throw this out. You called? Dale: Little fuckin’ wet lawn dart third, but we didn’t have our album officially lost the MTV thing, but Chris: It was “TRL’s Big Deal.” against the side of his face. [laugh- ready in time, and now they’re still then you escaped a shitty record [laughter] ter] working on the music for the contract. Matt: Big fuckin’ deal. Matt: Ahhh…exactly, exactly. He fourth. And then the guy who does Dale: When Busta Rhymes was Dale: Did you dickslap Carson reserved it – all four loads the music for Tony Hawk’s giving you props. Daly? from us. Gigantic Skate Park Tour. I guess Chris: Yeah, well, we went on that Chris: [laughing] No. Actually, they just released it on DVD, sea- show, you know, as a lark. Kind of Carson Daly was backing us. sons one and two, and we have four songs on that. I think it had some- thing to do with the Fiesta Show we played at Delagara Plaza in Santa Barbara. One of the guys was there. Dale: You guys also played the opening of the public skateboard park in Santa Barbara, with R.K.L. Chris: That got on Blue Torch TV, which was a separate deal, ‘cause that was on ESPN. Todd: Not to be too disparaging to your audience, but do you ever look out there, and think you’re playing to the cast of “Hee Haw”? [laughter] Dale: Big Shirtless Jim! Matt: You know what? If they’re the cast of “Hee Haw,” God bless ‘em. Thank you for coming out. I don’t care if they’re wearing tie dye shirts or if they’re fuckin’ gothic, if they’re metal – anything, ya know? Thanks for comin’. Dale: You didn’t answer the ques- tion. You didn’t answer why you like Roy Clark’s tight Wranglers. Roy Clark was part of “Hee Haw.” Dan Monick’s PhotoPhoto PagePage

These were the first two times I ever shot Dillinger Four live – two shows for the release of Midwestern Songs. One of them was on a boat floating down the Mississippi. (The shots of Paddy with the fancy ceiling). All the vodka was gone from the bar within the first hour. Much talk of pirating the ship to New Orleans. Fucking amazed no one fell in. 71 AT WAR WITH SHADOWS: Please note: If you’re Healing Is Not an Option: 7” Why is it so cool to act pissed off all the an established record time? Folks play and sing like they’re company, and you trying to beat the whole world back into prehistory. Maybe if some bands who send us a pre-release can’t find anything to sing about besides without all the album misery and agony and cutting their own throats would actually go and do the art, we’re probably deed, it would free up some gear for the going to throw that band down the block who have a couple good monkey songs. –Cuss Baxter shit away... (Hater of God) cock gobblers. AT WAR WITH SHADOWS: Healing Is Not an Option: CD 4 AM FATALITY: Sounds like black metal, but reads like The Aggro-vated EP: 7” EP emo. Don’t know whether to head bang Gruff hardcore with a little metal and or weep uncontrollably into my Slayer songs about how much Las Vegas sucks lunchbox. Oh, the loneliness of being e- (and whose town doesn’t?), how much vile! –Jimmy Alvarado (Hater of God) religion sucks, how much parents suck and how much alcoholism sucks (but AVAIL: Front Porch Stories: CD not alcohol itself, thank you very I have to be honest here. This is the first much). Yeah, but it’s on colored vinyl I’m sure this band is going Avail release that I actually possess. I and so worth every penny. –Cuss Baxter passed on them for the sheer fact that (Villain) places. My record collection they had recorded for Lookout. The just isn’t one of them. label rubbed me wrong and because of ADICTS: Twenty-Seven: CD the popularity. I passed on them. The One of the great things about reissues is -Megan Pants last Fat release was put out in a transi- that you get a second chance to give a tional phase in which I had stopped writing for one zine and started writing listen to something you totally (and together in a strong balance, allowing and get someone in here to clean up this for this one. I did not receive a copy wrongfully) ignored that you shouldn’t the song to bounce and soar in parts. mess. Where’s Tesco Vee when we need and, in fact, was too cheap to purchase have back when it originally came out. Saving Face: There was this band called him? –Aphid Peewit (Six Gun Lover) it. I did see them twice in the last two Case in point: this album. By 1992, My Pal Trigger that, early on, was fuck- years and was impressed by their live when this came out, I was pretty much ing great. Then something happened. ARCADE INFERNO: set. Their live show is so impressive and ignoring most of what the “old” bands Their later stuff blew goats. Saving Face energetic that I try my best to see them were coming up with, mainly because – with their male and female swapping The “Dante” EP: CDEP every time they come to town. They are so much of what they were coming up vocals, clear and jumpy instruments, It doesn’t look that good, but by god it’s a nice bunch of guys to boot. I was with sucked ass. ’Tis a pity, too, ’cause, and cool melodies falls between the punchier than a waxed weasel! Five excited when I saw that I actually had had I not been such a fucking snob, I suckass MPT and the really great MPT. tracks of high-energy ‘77-via-now one of their releases in my inbox at would’ve stapled this bad boy to my They had me singing along until they head-bobbing delight in the realm of Razorcake HQ. I hate to slam this, but I stereo to insure that nothing else would went into a really bad rap. D’oh. Naked Raygun getting the Rip Off treat- am disappointed. The recording is thin be played. Giving up on the pop road to Mediocre result for both bands. –Todd ment. Too bad it’s so fuckin’ short. and is not representative of what I have fame, punk’s favorite droogs went back (High Fidelity) –Cuss Baxter (www.arcadeinferno.com) to doing what they do best, namely writ- experienced live. I guess this release ing some great punk rock tunes. There ASS END OFFEND/ THE might be their experimental period ain’t a bad one in the lot (well, actually, AMERICAN recording. I had hoped for more. But “Give Me More” is a little too “rock” LIBERATION ARMY: ANTI DIFRANCOS: Split 7” who am I to judge? I did want more. Ass End Offend: Out of their three for my taste, but that’s the only one I –Donofthedead (Fat) Your Kids Need AK47s: CD songs, “Cross the Fence,” is the stand- can muster a gripe about), some of ’em Crudely recorded punk/ska that out solely by the fact it doesn’t sound whip by at a breakneck pace by Adicts BAD ASTRONAUT: would’ve been just peachy if they’d like a tired reconstruction of Corrosion standards, and damn near all of ’em are ditched the ska altogether and came up of Conformity, pre-Crossover. That Houston, We Have a Drinking prime “classics” material. Fuck, I feel with more memorable punk songs. song is my favorite of the split and actu- Problem: CD really stupid for missing out the first –Jimmy Alvarado (No address) ally has some nice breakdowns and Bad Astronaut make bad Foo Fighter time round. Thanks for the second vocal dynamics. Anti DiFrancos: music. Jeez, with a name like that, chance to redeem myself. –Jimmy you’d expect at least one robot voice. AMERICAN PIG: Feed ’Em Barring a song about respecting your Alvarado (Captain Oi) –Jimmy Alvarado (Honest Don’s) Before You Kill ’Em: CD parents and an up-front hate for a cer- Punk rock with, sometimes, more coun- tain hairy armpitted righteous babe, The AGITATED: Anti DiFrancos are a very standard, BAD ASTRONAUT: try than is good for it. When they keep Houston: We Have a Drinking Go Blue, Go Die: CD the tempo up, they can muster a good almost featureless punk band who Problem: CD One demo and one rehearsal on this bad hardcore song, but when they start seemed to have taken Jello Biafra’s spo- boy. The demo portion of the festivities ken word to heart (i.e. “the nation’s elite Late at night, I pop this into to the CD going for that modern Social Distortion player after a hard day at work and the is absolutely smokin’, with twelve sounds, watch out! In short, nice try, but bolster our alienation to perpetuate tracks of Midwestern hardcore circa wage slave subjugation”). I’m sure night before my surgery. I get over- no thanks. –Jimmy Alvarado whelmed with a time warp of deja vu. I 1983 coming off like an only slightly (American Pig) they’re very earnest but this musical less intense Fix. The rehearsal, five ground – especially the instrumentation feel like I am listening to the lost track tracks in all, sounds just like one would – has been trampled so many times, and of Sgt. Peppers or am listening to an expect and ain’t no big whoop. Still, AN AUTOMOTIVE: like a patch of grass under the same obscure Alice Cooper track? Maybe more than worth its cover price for the Self-titled: CD treatment, it doesn’t seem like anything I’m listening to an experimental Tom first twelve tunes. –Jimmy Alvarado Let’s run down the checklist. Let’s see: new’s growing out of it. My suggestion Petty track? Maybe Bowie? Track two (Smog Veil) cloying, sensitive lyrics, arty cover art- for both bands? Get more Feederz and is equally as confusing. I am back to work, brooding indy/college nerd music Zero Boys and cut down on the Conflict reality after the start of track three. A No and a band name that makes Jimmy Eat Use for a Name meets Husker Du ALMOST THERE/ and GBH in your diet; something to World seem cool. According to my cal- throw in and monkey wrench the mix. mood. The more I listen, I hear elements SAVING FACE: Split 7” culations, that puts this cute little rump –Todd (Poisoned Candy) of R.E.M. College radio is the best Almost There: hyper-melodic pop punk cupcake squarely in the middle of the description. I am confused... that has more than a slight cribbing of musical cess pool popularly known as –Donofthedead (Honest Don’s) ATOMSMASHERS: Alright: 7” Face To Face’s Don’t Turn Away LP. emo. Listening to this makes me want to Their second song, despite it being Primal punk rock with simple lyrics, pull my own legs off and beat myself simple riffs, and all the fixin’s the aver- BAD VIBES, THE: chock full of naiveté, and the question- into a quiet, blissful coma where bands age punk band needs. No big whoop, Hate Your Everything: CD able ballad-like break down, ain’t too like An Automotive don’t exist. This bad because the instruments make a but not without his harms, either. Sweet mid-tempo hardcore that gets the emo thing is getting out of hand. It – Jimmy Alvarado (Rip Off) blood pumping and the aggro a- 68 trampoline, twining might be time to reach for the Bat Phone buildin’. Best of all, no whiny emo anyone besides me ever noticed that lyrics. Dang good listenin’. –Jimmy grunge bands (or current contemporary Alvarado (Steel Cage) variant thereof, God save us all) never “quote” (used here in the newfangled BAND OF FELONS: postmodern sense of “knowingly evok- ing stylistic similarities to”) anything Drown My Sorrows, other than those things that, by their Drink My Dreams: CDEP mere inclusion in the genre, they are Top 40 7”s Anthemic, profanity-sprinkled street PRE-SUPPOSED TO QUOTE MERE- punk/hardcore that kind of sounds like LY BY DINT OF THEIR VERY EXIS- a cross between the Bump ‘n Uglies and TENCE? I mean, think about it (if you Sick Of It All. And judging by the title want). BEST SONG: “C’mon C’mon” CD players and the dumpy barroom photos, I’d say BEST SONG TITLE “Peavey Youth” they have a pro-alcohol abuse agenda. FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA just aren’t What’s not to like? Five songs and a FACT (apart from the fact that they as cool. whopping eleven minutes and thirteen spelled “Peavey” correctly): Track #6 seconds of strong, no-bullshit rock- is, in fact, called “Six.” It’s genius in ’n’roll. Unlike some of the other discs our time! (or is it merely the Circle These are the top I’ve reviewed this time around, I will Jerks fifth album??) –Rev. Nørb not be burying this one in my backyard. (Boss Tuneage) 7”s since –Aphid Peewit (Go For Broke) the last mag. BLACKLIST: BIONIC: Self-titled: LP Times Are Changing: CD The vinyl on this record is fucking Cookie-cutter street punk with the req- amazing. It’s about as thick as like four uisite chanty parts. –Jimmy Alvarado regular LPs all Krazy Glued together, (Dead Mic) Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut like a bright blue (with radiating white bowling ball streaky things!) poker chip blown up to like 8x or something. I BLACK MERINOS: 1. Reatards, Savage Tape (Solid Sex Lovey Doll) actually can’t put the fucking thing Self-titled: 7” You’re High Maintenance (Just Add Water) down, i spin it on my finger, twirl it I like the music alright. Playing the 2. Easys, around, just sorta heft it – it’s funner to same game as Antischism, it’s got nice 3. Flakes, Jerk Store (Screaming Apple) (Rapid Pulse) play WITH the record than actually atmosphere in a charred earth, we’re- 4. Bomb Pops, Everything Looks Like Her play it, although immediately after the all-fucked, big potholes in civilization (High School Reject) 5. Columbian Neckties, Rejected #7 unreasonably brilliant opening track, sort of way. But, as a whole, it just did- (In The Red) “C’mon C’mon,” i was thinking things n’t clamp on, yank the nuts down, and 6. Hunches, Got Some Hate (Pelado) like “I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE OF have me crying for more. It tended to 7. Distraction, Transmission Ignition STONER ROCK AND IT HATH get plodding instead of heavy. They (Vinyl Warning) 8. Diskords, Heart Full of Naplam COME IN THE FORM OF A GIGAN- seem very sad, as would be indicated by /Triggers, Split (Jonny Cat) TIC BLUE POKER CHIP!” and other the song, “Insides Are Raped.” –Todd 9. FlipTops (Dirtnap) pimply hyperbole. I mean, during the (Hyperrealist) 10. New Town Animals, Fashion Fallout first song, i was, no shit, beginning to entertain notions of getting the BOMB POPS, THE: TV/UPC/eyeball-headed brain-stom- ached tentacle-appendaged alien life Everything Looks Like Her: 7” form depicted on the cover tattooed on A-side: Potent rock’n’roll with maybe a my back, so great was my blown-away- dash of the ‘60s thrown in for good Disgruntled Mailorder, California measure. B-side: more of the same. The ment! I shit you not: One would swear 1. Dee Dee Ramone, Self-titled 2x7” (Stuff) it was the Figgs playing grunge. In production could’ve been a little rawer, but it’s still pretty snappy as is. –Jimmy 2. Slanderin, Zombie Gang (Headline) point of fact, i was, for a time, so SURE 3. Zeke, that it actually WAS the Figgs playing Alvarado (Rapid Pulse) Season of the Witch (Safety Pin) 4. Kings Of Nuthin’, grunge, as some sort of prank side-pro- Shit Out of Luck (Haunted Town) ject (just as the Hanson Bros. occasion- BOMBSITE BOYS: 5. Bonecrusher, For Your Freedom ally masquerade as some other trivial (77 RPM) Replete With...: CD 6. Bodies, 3 Brandnewsongs band, just to show they can do it), that i As a rule of thumb, I try to stay away (Hostage) 7. scoured every inch of the packaging for from bands with ties. It goes back, I’m Smogtown, Audiophile (Hostage) some tell-tale fingerprints to indict sure, to the dreadful days of new wave; 8. Starvations, Horrified Eyes (GSL) Gent and Donnelly with, only to find the Cars, Elvis Costello, The Knack... 9. Raw Power, Wop Hour that if you hold side A so the label name sort of a gawky, zit-faced puberty era in (Westworld) 10. reads left-to-right, “Boss Tuneage” is at the upbringing of rock’n’roll. I learned Black Halos, Sell Out Love (Safety Pin) the top and the song titles read down-to- back then that, like bright yellow spots up, but if you hold side B so the label on poisonous salamanders, ties portend name reads left-to-right, “Boss bad things: skinny dorks with bowl Tuneage” is at the bottom and the song cuts, synthesizers and all other manifes- titles read up-to-down (if you can figure tations of hell. But then along came rip- out how that’s my smoking gun, i’m all ping bands like the Hives and Henry ears, Watson). In any event, by song Fiat’s Open Sore, who rocked my face two, my enthusiasm (and surety of off while wearing ties. I seemed to be Figgs-involvement) was beginning to finally working through my “tie band” Dave Hill Distribution, Oregon dampen slightly, and i thought that per- aversion. Now the Bombsite Boys 1. Rock Bottom & the Spys, Rich Girl (BreakMyFace.com) haps i’d merely have a contest whereby come along, introducing me to the tie 2. The Jewws, I Need Your Lovin’ (Alien Snatch!) OTHER people would get the alien tat- and top hat look. But it’s supposed to be 3. tooed on their back, and send me about the music, right? Well, musically, New Town Animals, Fashion Fallout (Dirtnap) Polaroids™, and win a prize or some- the Bombsite Boys suckle that same 4. Electric Eye, Muscle (Vinyl Warning) thing, and by track three or four i had safe teat of innocuous pop punk that so 5. Right On!, Buried Alive (Royal) lost interest entirely, never to return. I many other bands live and die by. Fuck 6. The Haskels mean, dude, it’s GRUNGE (unless they it, it’s just pop – except for a couple , Taking the City by Storm (Blammo) don’t call grunge “grunge” any more songs. There’s very little punk about it. 7. Gentlemen of Horror, Sterling Death (Bacchus Archives) [for all i know, they call it “hardcore.” Yet another band with no real teeth, just 8. Riisteterror, Taabajara Hardcore (Hardcore Holocaust) nothing can surprise me where that pasteurized, homogenized punk lean- 9. The Spits term is involved these days after i heard ings. Today’s lesson: beware of ties and , 19 Million A.C. (Dirtnap) 10. it applied to fucking Snapcase, who are top hats. It might have worked for cer- The Triggers/The Flip-Tops, Split (Jonny Cat) about as hardcore as... oh, i don’t know, tain 19th century U.S. presidents, but it Bionic i guess], in which case i guess doesn’t work in rock. –Aphid Peewit it’s whatever they say it is), and has (Myopic) BOTTLES AND SKULLS/ day soundtrack to Repo Man? Little melodic sensibilities. The power is there nail a perfect cover, which would make things. Like the ability to write a moth- and gives me justification for their a great single: Silverhead’s (no, not 400 BLOWS: Split 7” EP erfucking song that sounds as ominous reunion. The songcraft they had, they Silverchair) “Hello New York.” Their Bottles: Two catchy mid-tempo punk as a siren and is easy and catchy as an did not lose. I can’t believe that after version and songs like “Airport Novel,” tunes. “Party Crasher” is the better of STD during spring break. It sounds such a long hiatus they can still come and “So Electric,” are downright fun, the two, with a hypnotic riff and ranty paranoid, too, so don’t worry, it doesn’t back with an absolutely beautiful swaggering NYC pizza-sized slices of lyrics. 400 Blows: “The Gods are sound like hair gel nü punk. Jes the release. This will probably stay in my poppy, glammy punk. But, when the Laughing at Us” had me envisioning a Mess sounds like he singing surrounded car CD changer for over a year. That is songs get trippy, almost jam-tacular, no-wave band covering SOD. The other by barbed wire while the band sounds how good this is. I hope people now like the meandering last song, “Sad song is more disjointed and noisy, like they’re trying to break free. Me will embrace the sheer magic that CH3 Walk at Knifepoint,” I find myself get- which is a plus. Good racket from both likey. On a related note: did Hostage can bring and not ignore that they are an ting sleepy and not so enthusiastic. bands. White vinyl, you collector just get paid? Fuckin’ a – absolutely important part of punk history. I am a Some great songs, but a spotty long lis- whores. –Jimmy Alvarado (Cheetahs) beautiful color packaging that matches true believer that this a fantastic release. ten. –Todd (On/On Switch) the quality inside. –Todd (Hostage) I hope you become one too! BRAZIL: Dasein: CD –Donofthedead (Dr. Strange) CROSSTIDE: I really like Brazil. I think Terry BRYAN DUNAWAY: Gilliam… oh wait, this isn’t the movie. Seventeen Nautical Miles: CD CHASE, THE: The Better This sounds like the bastard child of No Aim At All: CD-R I think this is leftover from that pile of Jethro Tull, rap metal, and really sucky Ah, a boy and his guitar. His acoustic Part of Six Months: CD shit Jimmy and Todd sorted through in robots. That’s not good. –Megan Pants guitar. I wanted to coin a new portman- This CD, literally, fell behind my CD issue nine. This sounds like a fucking (Fearless) teau word, ala Lewis Carroll, to signify player and it wasn’t until I added more lullabye. It’s horrid. How does this shit the conjoining of folk and punk and all milk crates to the front room record wall end up at Razorcake HQ? Hell, how I came up with was “Folunk.” that I found it again, so I can’t rightly does it end up on a CD, is a better ques- BROKE AMERICANS: Pronounced “flunk.” Which is, coinci- say when I got it, but unlike a giraffe, tion. You guys lasted thirteen seconds Self-titled: CD dentally, the grade I would have to give this stuff isn’t spotty at all. I haven’t into crap like this? You are better men I’m guessing that these here rocking Bryan Dunaway’s latest effort. Folk been so up on the newest Snuff releases, than me. –Toby (Rise) doods think that they’re continuing in music and punk music are, in many and, oddly, singer for The Chase sounds the grand tradition of witty, technically ways, spiritually related, but as certain pretty much like a hardcore Duncan. DAG NASTY: proficient punk bands like SNFU and misshapen Appalachian hillfolk have Actually, they take a lot of the best ele- demonstrated, it’s not always a good ments of Snuff – an achingly sweet and Minority Of One: CD NOFX. They do have some of the req- Okay, I know these guys have been uisite “punk” stuff: a dork with a thing when relatives intermarry. After catchy melody and they tweak it into listening to No Aim At All, I’m not sure some short, satisfying, moshy break- around for a while. For some reason, I mohawk, some ska rhythms here and have never heard a note of their music there, and song titles like “Eat Shit and the folk-punk admixture thing works. downs. Instead of veering into a pop- Plus Mr. Dunaway thanks shmuck punk arena with horns, these guys take before. After listening to this CD, I’m Die” and “Proud to Be An Asshole.” glad I haven’t. This shits sucks. It’s that But this isn’t even punk by the numbers actor/bon vivant Corey Feldman in his some pages from Sweden’s Get Up and liner notes – an untenable punk gaffe if Goer’s: melodic hardcore that isn’t really clean sounding, highly produced – it’s lower than that. For some reason I pseudo-punk that bands like Pennywise have a feeling Carson Daly would think there ever was one and one that afraid of a lot of volume, speed, and undoubtedly guarantees Dunaway’s screaming. Extra points go to the song put out. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear these guys “rock.” In other words, the this CD on a popular radio station soon. music’s safe, it’s clean, it’s corporate accrued “punk points” will take a seri- titles: “Surprise Party at the Funeral ous hit. No amount of successive days Home,” and “Can I Borrow a I hope this isn’t the music that has kept sounding and it blows. If the chuckle them around for twenty years. When the fucks in this band weren’t in hair metal wearing a Clash shirt can rectify that. I Headband?” Surprisingly good. –Todd admire his gumption, his DIY work (Submit) lead singer puts on his “pretty voice” for bands ten years ago, I’ll drink Ron the ballad, “Broken Days,” I think I am Jeremy’s bath water with the Hedgehog ethic, and his nicely folded up cuffs on his punk rock jeans; but this disc strikes going to hurl. Damn, I don’t think I can still sitting in it. They tip their hand way CLENCHED FIST: make it through this whole CD, or to the too many times; the guitar solos alone me as musically tepid and lyrically not Welcome to Memphis: CD toilet, for that matter. are so glistening with a lube of their all that clever. Something you might hear in a coffee shop on open stage More thick-necked jocks who think –Toby (Revelation) own pre-cum that they’d make a wank “hardcore” is a term interchangeable maestro like Warren DiMartini blanch. night. I don’t like coffee, I don’t like coffee shops, and I don’t like coffee with “lame-assed, big-muscled, small- DARLINGTON: And what’s this? This band was voted dick macho metal”? Or, as they say in “best punk band in L.A.” two years in a shop punk. For fuck’s sake, whether it Chrysanthemum: 7” was Les Paul or Leo Fender who the motherland, this is absolute mierda. row?!? The same L.A. that back in the –Jimmy Alvarado (Thorp) I really liked their second album, which day belched forth bands like Fear, Black slapped the first one together, the elec- was the first with the name Darlington, Flag, Circle Jerks, the Germs and the tric guitar was invented for a reason. which was Queers/Ramonesy fodder Dickies? Egad. The mind reels. Remind Wasn’t Terrible Ted Nugent who once COCKNOOSE: Badmen, saved by some brilliantly stupid lyrics me to update my list of “Reasons I said ”Anybody wants to get mellow you Butchers, and Bleeders: CD rife with self-deprecating potshots at Fucking Hate L.A.” Just to see if it was can turn around and get the fuck outta I think this is my new favorite album of their obviously derivative sound. just me being unnecessarily grumpy and here!”? –Aphid Peewit (Street Trash) the week. This is a re-issue of their Everything else I’ve heard, however, narrow-minded, I actually brought this debut album from ’94. It’s been com- just hasn’t grabbed my attention in the disc to work and played it. Everyone CHANNEL 3: Self-titled: LP pletely remastered and they’ve added same way, and this is no different. You laughed at it. Seriously. Dumb name. If you read what Jimmy Alvarado wrote three bonus tracks (two GG Allin cov- can easily draw the same musical refer- Dumb cover. Dumb songs. To bas- about this release in the previous issue, ers.) Bands should take a lesson from ence points, but, from what I can tell, tardize an ee cummings line, this is you know this is the shit! I was lucky them: this was originally recorded for the sense of humor that made them so dung-luscious. 100% dog manure. I enough to pick up a couple of copies of ninety-seven dollars in under three initially attractive ain’t here, and the wouldn’t feed this to Sebastian Bach. the test press that Dr. Strange made hours. And it blows away a large portion resulting record just doesn’t stand out –Aphid Peewit (Industrial Strength) available to the public. I have been a fan of what’s been recorded since. It’s loud from the HUGE pack of bands treading since the early ‘80s. Their first 12” was as hell (which should come as no sur- the same stagnant water. This is limited BROKEN BOTTLES: one of the first punk records that I per- prise since their bass player created the to three hundred and if you dig ’em sonally purchased. I loved this band! I Confederacy of Scum), full of sleaze, you’ll dig this, but it did fuck all for me. Radioactive San Onofre: 7” and is just downright nasty. I love it. –Jimmy Alvarado (X) Fuck, it took me half a song to figure would go see them at any opportunity. I even liked their progressive period like This is the kind of music your mother why this sounds so familiar. Think of worries about you listening to, with Broken Bottles as releasing the never- the Airborne 12” and the track “Indian DARYLS, THE: Summer” that was on the BYO comp good reason. –Megan Pants (TKO) before-discovered studio tracks to Beer Fueled Mayhem: CD Social Distortion’s Mommy’s Little Something to Believe In. If Bill from Out of eighteen songs, only one is worth Monster (the vocals are a tad higher and Dr. Strange said that they were going CRIMSON SWEET: listening to. The rest are just cheap back to their roots, I believed it. I put less gruff, but still). I don’t mean that as Livin’ in Strut: CD Queers imitations. Glad you guys have a slight – these would be choice cuts. As the needle down on my turntable and a Methinks there’s as many as three dif- money to throw away. Must be nice. a matter of fact, fuckin’ bravo. comfortable familiarity burst through ferent “what we should have the band Next. –Jimmy Alvarado Somehow, and I’m quite sure how, my speakers. I felt like I was taken back sound like” fingers in Crimson Sweet’s (www.thedaryls.com) they’ve captured and stomped on entire in time. The notes massaging my ears pot. I’ve come up with a loose slide was like hearing music that was in the nuclear water balloon that Mike Ness rule. The less psychedelic, the more I DEAD SERIOUS: and Co. have been steering away from Fear of Life LP mixed with After the like them. Slow, I actually like the for the last twenty years. What makes Lights Go Out LP that CH3 made their grooves they set – there’s an attention to It’s What You Can’t See: CD this less a re-tread on a tire that’s got mark. They cut back on the over pro- atmosphere that has me convinced that Pretty run-of-the-mill youth crew driv- 70,000 miles on it already and more of duction of the later releases. The music they understand the inner workings of el. Thankfully, they keep the metal way is raw but still reflects their amazing in check, but there’s really nothing there 70 a souped-up, modern- Velvet Underground songs. They also to set them apart from a very large herd. Teen Spirit.” That said, this is pretty songs sound like smash fuckin’ hit sin- this legendary Bay area “skate” band. Includes a Youth of Today cover. How good! Catchy, short, pop punky songs gles, the album as a whole works very All the tracks are studio takes, meaning original. –Jimmy Alvarado (Thorp) (think: a more poppy early Queers). well. The 7” has one song that’s on the this is not a re-release of the live 10” out And, come on! Twelve year-olds album, “Transmission Ignition,” and a quite a while back. I’m also led to DEVIL IN MISS JONES: singing songs like “Cops Took Mommy track, “Nothin’ to Me,” that’s worth believe that there was a guy from Away”? Punk rock! –Maddy doin’ a little vinyl huntin’ for. Thumbs Tools/Sick Pleasure/Code of Honor in Headbanger: 10” EP (Vinyl Warning) up. –Todd (Dirtnap – CD, Pelado – 7”) this group as well. This is a really good Loud rock’n’roll that just don’t blow release on the whole, although I think my skirt up. Sorry. –Jimmy Alvarado DISTRACTION, THE: DREAM IS DEAD, THE: many modern skate kids, with their pen- (Sounds of Subterrania) chant for safe, non-boat-rocking, cookie Calling All Radios: CD Letter of Resignation: CD cutter Epitaph punk might be a little DICKLESS TORSO: and Transmission Ignition Really noisy hardcore with grindy bits. taken aback by this. Shame it didn’t Kinda makes me think this is what Wake Up Jerk: CD b/w Nothin’ to Me: 7” come out back when it was recorded. Conflict might’ve sounded like had they –Jimmy Alvarado (Alternative Tentacles) Really bad punk with piss poor record- The Distraction grew on me slowly, but been just a tad more pissed. –Jimmy ing values. Sounds like it was recorded I’m glad I stuck with it. I disliked it in Alvarado (What Else) on a ghetto blaster with the mics blown the beginning. At first, they sound like a ED GEIN: Self-titled: CD out. –Jimmy Alvarado (Star Time) slowed down Stitches, with a mumbly Grindcore with all of the genre’s voiced lead singer fronting mid-tempo, DROPKICK MURPHY’S: strengths and weaknesses painfully DIEHARD YOUTH: Without repetitive songs. Also, like the Stitches, Live on St. Patrick’s Day: CD apparent. –Jimmy Alvarado they’re sneaky riff snatchers. They lift Three days of drinking, rabid fans, play- (Hanging Like A Hex) the Kids We Would Be Dead: CD nice bits of The Clash and Buzzcocks, ing in your hometown, guest artists, and Diehard Youth break out with straight- but have a real good feel on how to tuck St. Patrick’s Day is a recipe for a good EL GUAPO STUNTTEAM: forward PosiCore from strangely them into their own compositions. But recording session for a live release. enough, Tehachapi, CA, which is kinda the more I listened, the better the songs Dropkick fans have probably already Year of the Panther: LP odd because it’s pretty much the middle started to sound. They’re just like fresh purchased this. For others on the Heavy, high-voltage rock’n’roll sure to of nowhere. Anyway, this band sounds snot on glass. They’re nasty and fringes, this is a good sampler to get a leave your mom deaf and your neighbor incredibly similar to Insted. Even the boogery but the sound’s clean and you taster. Their blend of street punk mixed pissed. As sweet and sincere as a solid lyrical content runs in the same vain. can see every detail. This may seem off with Irish pride has been accepted by blow to the testes. –Jimmy Alvarado The only difference is that this band topic, but The Distraction does to true many. Song after song, you can hear in (Sounds of Subterrania) adds more moshy elements to their early punk what a lot of hip hop artists the background that the music is music. For those who miss Insted. did with R and B tracks. Instead of embraced with passion by the audience ELECTRIC EYE: Muscle: 7” –Mike Dunn (Thorp) doing direct samples, this OC crew take on this recording. It shows that the band High-energy rock’n’roll like the Swedes the best feel, motion, and groove of has reached the status and expertise of are into these days. Pretty loud, pretty DISKORDS, THE: bands like the Boys and the Weirdos captivating an audience. In all its fun over the top, pretty good. –Jimmy Heart Full of Napalm: 7” (without Doors covers, thank you very and glory, a fun listen. –Donofthedead Alvarado (Vinyl Warning) The promo sheet that came with this much) and join them in clever, finger (Hellcat) release sez, “The Diskords range in age snapping ways. So, when I stopped END ON END: Why Evolve from 12 to 14 years old. They all attend wanting them to play faster and enjoyed DRUNK INJUNS: When We Can Go Sideways: CD middle school together here in Portland, being locked into their groove, what was once repetitive became a solid slab From Where the Sun Now Stands, Individually, inside the songs them- Oregon.” If I had been in a band when I selves, there’s a lot going on. It’s some was thirteen, I’d have spent all my time of stagger and swagger. Another thing I I Will Fight No More Forever: CD realized is that although none of the Dark, moody punk/hardcore here from very intricate, tightly constructed, trying to perfect the riff to “Smells Like thoughtful emotional hardcore that breaks down, filigrees (sometimes drummer that’s not programmed like a Gunmoll’s a strange bunch. Half of the FORCA MACABRA: piano, sometimes violin), collects itself Casio. “Synthesized” is a perfect cap- songs on here are my favorite – bar like a bomb that builds itself from the sule of The Epoxies: tight songs, super none – by them. “Forget Me Not” plays Nos Tumulos Abertos: CD inside, and explodes open. The scream- sexy vocals, and limber guitar lines. A along like a burlap noose that the lead Finnish thrash men pay homage to their ing and shouts come across as genuine, fuckin’ rockin’ cover of Alice Cooper’s singer’s swinging from, while the gui- love of Brazilian HC. The song writing not shrill. End on End has definitely “Clones” rounds out the b-side. –Todd tars play, graze, and blaze. They play style and lyrics in Brazilian Portuguese. expanded from its early recordings and (Dirtnap) like the world’s on fire around them. That is a great accomplishment since made a mold they can call more their Yet, the other half, like “Point,” are the Finnish language and Portuguese are very different. I have a friend who I own. And I can sit down and listen to a EVEN WORSE: almost hard to get through, thinking that couple songs and get really energized, the Leatherface ballad xeroxing trade with in Finland. He is the one who but then a weird thing happens. It’s You’ve Ruined Everything: CD machine is set a little too closely to their sent this to me, and he informs me that tough to get through the entire album. If I’d put NYC’s Even Worse right in coffee maker. Both bands are so close. bands from Brazil play Finland more I don’t listen to it closely and deliber- league with San Francisco’s The –Todd (No Idea) than they play the US because of its ately, track by track, the album begins to Avengers and East LA’s The Brat. popularity there. Amazing. By looking Female-fronted, early, genuine at the insert, this recording includes sound the same. I can’t figure this out, FLESHIES/PCP ROADBLOCK/ and I’ve listened to it over ten times, American punk with a fire under its ass. demos from 1991-1993 and tracks from getting the same result. Huh. –Todd It’s funny because the only single I had KOJAK/HORTUS: 4-way Split 7” a 12” put out in 1994. The music is con- (Substandard) of theirs was nothing like this – it was a Fleshies: It sounds like they can pull trolled mayhem. The recordings are thin lot more serious and it thoughtfully polar opposites together and connect at points but do not take away from the attempted to deconstruct punk rock, had ‘em with a little pocket of personal power. It has that early to mid-’80s ENEMIES, THE: Thurston Moore (later to go to Sonic lightning. I may be the only one hearing international sound. The vocals are Seize the Day: CD Youth) playing guitar, and although this, but I hear the clang of both early screamed with urgency and the music I keep hearing all these latent grunge- pretty darnn good, I enjoy the brash Jam in the guitar and the exhilarating washes about, following behind. This isms creeping into various punk rock enthusiasm, snotty bounce, and female feeling of finding something really may not be the first release I would rec- formats. What the fuck is up with singing on this retrospective. Even good in a dumpster. So incredibly ommend to someone new to this band, that??? I mean, this is DEFINITELY Worse flexes their muscles through catchy, like cooties or tetanus. PCP but the others that I own are ass kickers supposed to be “street punk,” or what- twenty-six songs, including their Roadblock: They sound just like their to the tenth degree. –Donofthedead ever the fuck that which was called anthem, “We Suck,” and pounds name, literally – like a crazy dude (Angry) “street punk” twenty-four months ago is through both a Weirdos cover, standing in your way in the middle of now known as, but i swear to fucking (“Solitary Confinement”) and a Black the road, babbling about how his socks FOUNDATION: GOD i hear ample grunge contamina- Flag cover (“Nervous Breakdown”). are snakes. He won’t get out of the way tion herein. Boy, call me crabby, but all Keep in mind, these bands were con- and all you want is a hot dog. Comes Homecoming: 7” i hear here (note: that was a particularly temporaries, along with others, like with intermittent screams. Kojak: I like. I didn’t know what, exactly, to think of clever reference to a Hollies album title) Kraut and Adrenaline OD. It just goes to They’re noisy and yelly and remind me when Rob of Ann Berretta wrote some is Mountain Dew® commercial music show how much more level the playing of a more lysergic 400 Blows – under acoustic, folky songs and had Alison waiting to happen, likely snuck under field was twenty years ago, and how all that bluster and fuzz, you can hear Mosshart (formerly of Discount, now the radar screen by presumed connec- excited bands were to realize that oth- some tricked up melodies. It looks like half of The Kills) sing on a track. I’ll tion to the marginalized! For the cry-yi! ers, such as themselves, had come to the the drummer’s got a microphone med- probably get my ass beat by my special This band is at their best – AT THEIR same aural conclusions at approximate- ical taped to his mouth so he can sing lady friend, but I like it in a “I’ll listen BEST – when they merely kinda sound ly the same time. The cornerstone to while pounding. Hortus: Throat goat, to it when I’m really sad and lonely” like Rancid knockoffs, at their worst keeping Even Worse’s legacy alive – death metal vocals over a Joy Division- type of way. It’s poignant and seems when spouting dumb-as-death-metal and providing excellent, comprehensive like synthesizer. Hmm. It’s one of those honest like a lot of modern porch punk gibberish like “last rights, my settle- liner notes – is their drummer, Jack things that sounds like it flies much bet- – like Rumbleseat, pre-electric Against ment, bestows its empty threats on all, Rabid, who continues to publish The ter live, like the Imperial Butt Wizards. Me!, and the slower song section of but no one’s here,” and at their most dis- Big Takeover zine twenty odd years Bring on the roman candles and the This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb. Allison sure turbing when they LEGITIMATELY down the road. This CD is split in half – teddy bear entrails. –Todd (Wet Tail) can sing. That said, I know it’s supposed seem to be trying to rip off “Longview” the first is the never-released, “lost” stu- to be folky, but even by comparison, the Kingston Trio could be considered on “East 14th.” Lyrics include exciting dio LP followed by a healthy set at FLESHIES/ FEDERATION X: subject matter such as “broken dreams.” Max’s Kansas City in August, 1981. thrash next to this. It’s almost too Why has no one thought of this before? What a pleasant surprise. This’ll get a Split 7” sleepy, too sedate. But it sure is pretty. I honestly hope that, for whatever lot of spins. Someone should release it I think of some bands as portals. I loathe –Todd (1-2-3-4 Go!) lunatic reason, somebody at Lookout on vinyl. –Todd (www.bigtakeover.com) Led Zeppelin, but, you know what? If really felt passionate about this band, you took out the stratospheric chipmunk FREE BEER: because all i’m hearing is a band who vocalist, forefronted the drums, axed the FIELDS OF FIRE: solos, and cranked up the dirty, there’s The Only Beer That Matters: CD got signed on the off chance that they At long last, a friggin’ album-length might become the next big thing, and Kill the Flock: CD something respectable in there. Portal? Some pretty strong stuff here, reminis- On their full length, Fleshies had a song release from the mighty Free Beer. It’s it’d be kinda sad if that label wound up the album that never quite managed to being run like a mutual fund or some- cent of early to mid-L.A. hardcore. called, “Led Fuckin’ Zepplin, Man.” I Lyrics aren’t too painful and there’s liked how Fleshies pulled it off. I recog- come out back when they were actually thing. WORST SONG TITLE: “Last together, and it’s a doozy. All the clas- Rights” BEST SONG: “Moving On” enough conviction in their delivery as to nized some of the riffs that Bonham and make it believable. Impressive. If they Co. put together. (I worked a job that sics are here, from “My Money or My FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA Car” to “Premature Enlistment” to “I FACT: I can’t remember what the UK manage to stay on course, they may played a “get the Led out” segment – an become a personal fave. –Jimmy hour of it every fuckin’ day.) And it just Hate Sobriety,” as well as a couple of equivalent to “Hear! Here!” was, but if i live cuts, and all of ’em sound just as was forced to guess i’d say the third Alvarado (Bockhorn) may be that Fleshies are cracking my ear up a bit because, although they oper- good as ever. I’ve personally been hop- one. –Rev. Nørb (Lookout!) ing someone would do something like FIFTH HOUR TURN/ ate from a wide base of operations, musically, from operatic falsettos to this for this band for a while now and EPOXIES: Synthesized: 7” GUNMOLL: Split CD ‘70s arena rock, to some grade-A non- I’m not disappointed in the least with Good lord, these guys keep on getting Both bands are so close. There are real ass punk classics, I find myself buckling the results. Recommended. –Jimmy better and their LP is fantastic. (This 7” crisp glimpses of originality and musi- up for their ride and enjoying the aural Alvarado (Alternative Tentacles) sounds a couple notches fuller, too.) cianship. Fifth Hour Turn, at their best, scenery. This time out, they pen one of They just seem so sure and strong in are reminiscent of the top of what the best song titles I’ve heard this side FUCK YOU UPS: Hope You what they do, and your ass must be shot Discount released. Swelling, sweltering of a D4 album, “I Just Took the Most guitars, crisp and interlocking bass and Appreciate It, Fucker!: CD full of novocaine and your brain full of Punk Rock Shit of My Life.” I can’t rec- Where do I begin? This band plays Vicodin if your butt doesn’t wiggle drums, and lady singer who can belt it ommend Fleshies high enough. They’re like a lash and sounds like her heart’s some crappy, repetitive, bare bones along to the beat. Their power comes sneaky, like a bum who really knows punk rock. On top of it, they have com- from each instrument fitting and every- exploding. When the guy sings, it veers how to box. Federation X: They live up really close to Hot Water Music territo- pletely idiotic lyrics. Fuck this pointless thing’s played with force, not merely to their cracking, electrified blues boo- shit. –Mike Dunn (Formula 13) tinkered with by a member enamored ry. It’s a little more gruff and tumble, gie on four-stringed guitars reputation. with the sound of a bleep. I sure see which isn’t bad, per se, but I’d like an It’s very jammy – like when Zen GAMITS, THE: more people adopting new wave, but eking of a sound more distinctly their Guerilla spools out – but with a nice, I’ve yet to hear one of the new crop that own. At worse, the songs get too repeti- serrated edge and I can’t say that I’m Come Get Some: CDEP seems to have been born into it with tive. They rut in their hooks a little too complaining. –Todd This band is kinda popular in my home such assurance. And it’s so much better long, the lyrics repeat a little too much, (Molasses Manifesto) burg, i think, but i don’t think i ever than an Adam Ant throwback because and I start looking in my collection for cared enough to go see ‘em, and, for Half Fiction or Fuel for the Hate Game. there’s guitar snarl and a pounding whatever reason, i was 73 thinking that i heard that they were a GREAT CLEARING OFF, garage rock festivals, more albums, etc. Music album, send your money to Japan ska-ish outfit, “but good” (if there’s an THE: Within This Inch, What they delivered was this here single and get this album instead. You won’t emoticon for eyeball-rolling, it goes release on the perennially cool Get Hip be disappointed. –Sean Carswell We Are Free: 7” here), and that’s the platform from Although not crud, it’s extremely pre- Records. It’s a much welcomed wash of (Snuffy Smile) which i approached my first known con- dictable. The drummer stays in the virgin blood over the tiring waves of tact with the band. As this is, apparent- pocket. And although it’s fun to reduce blues-rock revivals, bad arty punk, etc. I FARM: ly, a reissue of their first 7” plus bonus So, you’re wearing your stretch black and reuse, tell your guitarists it’s not so Two Selected Works: CD tracks, i spent a fairly sizable chunk of compelling to recycle the same riffs jeans and wanking off with your Urban time trying to figure out how a band that Outfitter punk friends trying to learn Apparently, this is a collection from two over and over. The singer sounds like different records they put out a few sounded so Fat-like (i think? i don’t he’s gurgling tacks or screaming traffic Hives riffs. One of you just got a speak from a position of great knowl- Ramones t-shirt for thirty bucks that’s years back. Herky, jerky punk with two directions. The lyrics – although with thousand fucking changes, of which did edge on the genre) (thankfully) and their hearts in the right place – are made to look naturally faded through snot-slick got the ska bug, until i even- stuffy, smoke-filled, low capacity clubs, nothing more than annoy the crap out of banal, vague, and self-fulfilling prophe- me. Nomeansno meets blazing pop tually realized that i think i was thinking sies. (i.e. “We cannot trade compliance record swaps, tour van driving, sleeping of the Gadjits, not the Gamits, which on floors of untidy homes, and what not. punk. Sounds more interesting than it for the brass rings that they sell.” And “I really is. Not my cup of tea. –Mike more or less rendered all my observa- know there’s an enemy. I know I’m not You’re growing your facial hair and try- tions inert, and i don’t really feel com- ing to affect that ‘70s rocker guy stance Dunn (Traffic Violation, BD, Yo-Yo, fucking wrong.”) You mean to say Freedumb) pelled to listen to this again whilst not there’s bad people out there? You mean that lies somewhere between the overt dwelling on how they effected a trans- they want us to buy what they sell? You gayness of Rod Stewart and the cool HUMUNGUS: formation to ska which, in fact, was not mean they’re not doing it for the good sinister of Gregg Allman. I’ve seen you effected (i think...unless i am NOT con- of humanity but for profit? Really? hanging out at all the usual places, ass I Hate Motherfucking Cops/ fusing them with the Gadjits? Oy kissing to all the same faces, trying to Really? I’ve never heard of that. Yeah, A Reason to Care: CD vey...), so all i can say is that if i was a I’m making fun of you because the lyri- belong where you don’t belong, lying in Didn’t quite know what to expect from fan of this band’s later recordings, cal bar’s been raised since MDC. –Todd your lies, becoming what you can’t and this bad boy. When I see Cheetah which i am not, i imagine i would be a (Cheap Art) won’t want in the end. For you, I give Chrome’s name attached to something, I fan of this too. Worth keeping around you a tip – The Hookers. No matter how figure, “Okay, Dead Boys vibe coming for their killer fucking cover of “There’s ironic chic your t-shirt is and which GREGOR SAMSA: up,” but you throw Nicki Sicki into the A Place” by the Beatles though, which breed of ‘70s rock inspired you this mix and all bets are off. The end result would have been even killerer had i not Self-titled: CD EP week, it all boils down to the gritty, is some raw, obnoxious hardcore not heard the Dickies do it a couple o’ years Quiet, mellow stuff, kinda like Pink grim structure of their unholy overtures. heard since the glory days of the Vats in ago. The bonus tracks are from practice Floyd for the smooth jazz crowd. A The Hookers are fueled by hatred (they Frisco. There are a couple of stabs at sessions, and sound slicker than my quiet walk on the beach at sunset, walk- hate you, they really do because you fail what I believe are “serious” subjects, band’s real records. Do these people just ing the dog just after to see rock’n’roll raw and right in the such as vegetarianism, which are a little emerge from the womb smothered in a dinner….Zzzzzzzzzzzz. –Jimmy eye), disgust (you and your friends need hard to swallow coming from a guy who perpetually-regenerating afterbirth of Alvarado (Iodine) a spike gauntlet up your silly tiny ass- once sang about destroying the human liquid Teflon? or what? WORST SONG holes to loosen you up from all that race, shooting speed, burning his par- TITLE: “Song About a Song” BEST HELLNATION: Dynamite up caked up, fabricated crap you’re hold- ents, killing a Muni driver, and the like. SONG: “There’s a Place” FANTASTIC ing in), macabre (Fulci could not do bet- Your Ass: CD Still, this is some pretty good stuff tailor AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: That first ter in terms of bloody gore-iffic made for those assholes that sit around Beatles album is really good. You Another twenty-one tracks of über- imagery! Remember, Iron Maiden thrash to provide your head with the whining that no one plays “real” hard- should get it today. –Rev. Nørb (Not songs are mostly about Euro-mythology core anymore. Let them chew on this Bad) equivalent of pouring Liquid Draino and wizard/ H.P. Lovecraft-ish themes into your ear and shaking briskly. Some and hopefully they’ll shut the fuck up because the heaviness of their music is for a while. –Jimmy Alvarado wild shit not for the faint of heart. the only thing that could sustain such an GBH: Ha Ha: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (Sound Pollution) (Beer City) Sounds like a demo. All the songs so far immense density of topic! Maiden just are the same speed as “Catch 23,” too. wouldn’t work if ol’ Bruce Dickinson KEVIN K BAND: In short, nothing to write home about, HEXTALLS, THE: bellowed songs about the rain forest, although the title “Sado Methodist” Call It a Career: CD world hunger or political prisoners – Sealed Works: CD made me giggle. –Jimmy Alvarado I guess you could call playing in a suck- leave that shit to Sting.), and down right I guess this is what the kid’s these days (Go Kart) ass cookie cutter pop punk band a offensive. (Yes, they were one of the are calling “punk rawk.” More accurate- “career,” but how about if I just call the first garage punk’n’roll bands to boldly ly, it’s probably just “rawk.” It’s sort of GLORYHOLES: resulting music a pile of shit? It seems display their love of metal like a family a poorman’s (a really destitute poor- Knock You Up: CD more accurate. crest upon their bosom.) Okay, I’ve man’s) Hellacopters or Backyard Building on the beauty that is their –Jimmy Alvarado (Shredder) wasted enough time spewing a bunch of Babies. But way more, um, relaxed than “This Is All There Is” 7”, this full-length nothingness – go buy this Hookers sin- either of those. Especially the vocals. gle and shave, you dirty hippy They’re so relaxed sounding that they release gives us the two tracks from that HOOKERS, THE: God Made single and adds thirteen more slices of wannabe! Learn to laugh at yourself and sound out of place in a grubby little Me The Raven: all 7 inches others! Yikes! –Miss Namella J. Kim band like this. Kevin K sounds like Don primal punk, long on attitude and up to Yes this review is old but I just got this its eyeballs in psychosis. Seems like (Get Hip) Dokken on a bunch of Xanax, sipping thing so chill the fuck out, m’kay. Ah, martinis. Odd. On the cover he looks Seattle’s bands are trying to make up for another blast of fire and brimstone from the post-Nirvana grunge embarrassment HUNCHES: Got Some Hate: 7” like some putrefied street person who’s hell’s furnace as interpreted by teeth were chewed out of his head by associated with their fair city by crank- Kentucky’s majesty – The Hookers. It’s Over-the-top trash rock with nary a ing out some kick ass punk rock, as fans hummable tune. Surprised it ain’t on years of filterless cigarettes and rot gut been a few years absence for these guys whiskey. So I guess I was expecting of the Briefs, Spits, these guys and the since their single outing for Sub Pop (!) Estrus or somethin’. –Jimmy Alvarado recently reformed Fartz can attest. Two (In the Red) some growling sociopathic Neanderthal and let’s not forget their sorely over- like GG Allin or something. No such very enthusiastic thumbs up. –Jimmy looked magnum opus of black southern Alvarado (Empty) luck. Ballads, cheesy poorly-executed metal Black Metal for Crimson Wisdom, I EXCUSE: Burn the Empty to dual guitar wanks and that fruity, god- their farewell full length CD. The the Ash: CD forsaken relaxed Dokken voice. And too GOLDEN BATS: Too Flash Hookers broke up after the ashes settled Snuffy Smile puts out some good shit. many stupid Chuck Berry riffs. The For the Neighborhood: CD from Black Metal posting their eulogy There’s no denying that. And this I Kevin K Band sounds exactly like every Total rock and roll style goin’ on here. unceremoniously on their own website, Excuse album is the best of it. I Excuse mediocre bar band you ever tried to (Think: lots of sunglasses, leopard print, where they crawled into a quiet slumber take the basic song structure of drown out with loud drunken conversa- and styled hair.) I was expecting a total in the smallest nook they could squeeze Leatherface at the top of their game, tion. I honestly don’t know who this Thunders rip-off band, but the Golden their worn down and beaten asses into. then speed up the tempo, add a little would appeal to. –Aphid Peewit Bats are a lot more poppy and pretty 2001 brought them out of their self- fuzz to the guitars, and go crazy. This (Laughing Outlaw) slow. Guy vocals with some backing imposed suspended animation and album is simultaneously really tight, girl vocals. Sometimes pretty catchy. found them even more undeniably evil and right on the edge of falling apart at KILL DEVIL HILLS/ Nothing super-great, but nothing super- and all-powerful. Singer Rock’n’Roll any second. The vocals aren’t anywhere bad, either. –Maddy (Dr. Wu) Outlaw even started his own side pro- near as gruff as Frankie Stubbs’s, and, SEROTONIN: Split 7” ject, Brothers of Conquest (whose ini- though I’ve listened to this dozens of Serotonin sounds like Jawbox, circa GRAFTON: Self-titled: 7” tials coincidences with the might cow times, I’m not sure if they’re singing in Grippe. Mumbly vocals that are sub- Stoner riff rock’n’roll. Sorry, but this belling Blue Oyster Cult – I bet he did English or Japanese (I suspect that sumed into the mix enough to be con- hippie shit just ain’t my bag. –Jimmy this on purpose, that dastardly deceptive they’re alternating between the two). I sidered an instrument itself, and it nets Alvarado (Derailleur) and clever brute!) There were specula- am sure of this, though: if you’re think- with the guitar, drum, and bass. It’s arty, 74 tions of a possible tour, appearances at ing about buying the new Hot Water dense, complex and comes pretty close to rockin’. It’s a personal thing, I know, only… I mean he’s got this nasally, but I’m suspicious of all bassists who whiney vibrato thing going on that strap their instruments really high, and, makes me understand why he’d have to in Serotonin’s case, it reinforces my fear write a song called Thank You for that he fingers and funks more instead of Fucking Me. With a voice like that I’m strumming and wailing. Kill Devil Hills sure it doesn’t happen too often. –Megan goes from a long, almost classic rock, Pants (Pandacide) instrumental dirge into a Hot Water Music territory with hoarse vocals, LIPSTICK PICKUPS/ stratospheric guitars and shout-alongs. The song goes back and forth a couple BIKINI BUMPS: Split 7” times between the two extremes. I like it, Lipstick Pickups: Dual female vocals. though. Hey, at least the yelling sounds One’s really good. The other one’s a genuine. The bassist, Andrew, went on screech – like a squirrel in a wood chip- to the extremely excellent Against Me! per. Imagine if super early Go Go’s were An alright split. Not going either nutso Japanese, huffed glue, and sounded like over it or wanting to bonk them on the they were trying to get a command of the head. –Todd (Soul Is Cheap) English language, but were really from Anaheim. Or if you beat up Shonen Knife really bad and stuck microphones KILLERS, THE: in the wounds. They pull off a sort of Manual for Self Destruction: 10” inspired retardedness that’s actually Dude, it’s a 10”, it’s got a Pushead harder than it looks because the Lipstick lookalike cover, a booklet, ex-Charles Pickups don’t fail to rock through all Bronson folks; it should drop me in my three tracks. Bikini Bumps: ever listen to tracks, but sadly it rarely really hits a band that you’re thiiiiis close to really good groove. It seems to be so into being liking, but it sounds like their music’s musically mature and lyrically driving around with the parking brake anguished it won’t just let go and on? The better track of the two, “Bikini ROCK. If you don’t think that will both- Bumps + Talent = Violence” has a cool, er you, though, there are ten loud and meandering guitar over nicely gritted up crazy songs and one terrible cartoon. vocals, and a steady beat. It’s really Lap it up. –Cuss Baxter (Hater of God) close, but I say either step on the gas or twist the swagger knob a bit further to KRAYS, THE: the right. Look forward to hearing more from both bands. –Todd (Geykido Comet) A Time for Action: CD Nice, driving punk rock with just enough anthemic quality to get the fist LOOSE: Untamed: 7” EP pumping. Could’ve used the services of Italian rock/punk in the vein of Radio a better graphic artist than the one they Birdman. A tad too derivative, but still were apparently stuck with, but that pretty good. –Jimmy Alvarado detracts none from the music. You could (Rockin’ House) do much worse than picking this bad boy up. –Jimmy Alvarado (TKO) LOST SOUNDS: Black-Wave: CD KYLESA/ Some serious ‘60s worship going on MEMENTO MORI: Split 7” here, but it sounds like it’s being chan- Rule Number Fucking One: Put the neled through a death rock band raised speed on the 7” label, or at least the on hardcore and very early Sonic Youth. packaging. Kylesa: Since I don’t know What this translates to, kids, is that some the speed, here’s two interpretations. At melodies are identifiable through the 33 RPM, their songs are plodders that I din, but no way are these guys gonna be assume are trying to build tension or mistaken for Fleetwood Mac or some- Sabbath-heavy chunkatude, but I just thing. Some may not be too hip to their don’t get the chains-a-draggin’, brand of noise, but I’m pleased give it intestines-stretched-to-hell vibe. My the high-sign. –Jimmy Alvarado attention span for sludgecore is nil. I’d (Empty) rather watch water turn into ice cubes. At 45 RPM, it sounds a lot like a mean LUBE: Music of Chance b/w Mr. Bungle fronted by Alvin Chipmunk. George Melly: 7” I really liked their debut 7”. This just I wasn’t expecting this at all. It’s mel- don’t rattle me at either speed. Memento low, smoky, broken-down, and melodra- Mori: the first song sounds like a sound- matic like Leonard Cohen, a little off track to a man frolicking in purple tights kilter and eclectic, like Tom Waits. It at Renaissance fair. Unnngh, fruity. took some getting used to – like when Their second song, “Dirt Roads and the harmonica slithers in like an asp – Howls of Wolves,” is the best of the four. but I’m starting to like it in a lonesome It’s dirty, metally, has a couple of great barstool kind of way. Although the songs pace changes, and would be something are long, they don’t get tiring. –Todd Pushead could stamp with approval. (Revenge) Think in the same vein as Buzzov-en or the more straight-ahead Unsane. –Todd (Hyperrealist) MAIN, THE: To the Grave b/w Kiss of Death: 7” Headed by Spencer, formerly of LIBRAIRIANS, THE: Shattered Faith, I was very apprehensive The Pathetic Aesthetic: CD about The Main, mostly due to seeing This is a pretty killer album save one the previous incarnation, 4-Bolt Main. thing: the vocals. They drive me nuts. Yeowch, that was a hard-to-watch night- They are so terrible. I can’t say it mare. I just remember such a high enough; I hate them. Maybe I wouldn’t degree of wanking that eight beers into care if I didn’t like everything else about it, I just wanted the bad men to stop, put it. I seriously could see this getting some down their instruments, and get run over heavy rotation over at Razorcake HQ in the parking lot. Not the Main. It’s and it would be great road trip music if stripped down, straight-ahead catchy punk that’s got a lot of the best aspects i’m all Crusher and Baron Von Raschke MÖRSER: ing to sound like Leonard Cohen or of Shattered Faith: crackling guitars, and Mad Dog Vachon and Bobby something. Hell, I’d subject myself to real chanty parts, and the best part, Heenan and Nick Bockwinkel and the 10,000 Bad Guys Dead: CD that Flyboys record again before listen- songs that get to the point, pound, and annoying legacy of Verne Gagne and the Pretty standard grindcore stuff. This one ing to this a second time. –Jimmy get out. It’s nice to hearken back to the night they smashed “Rock ‘n’ Roll” is special because seven Germans are Alvarado (Frontier) feelings I got when I first heard China Buck Zumhoff’s boombox. Therefore, collectively making all that racket. –Jimmy Alvarado (www.chromesaint- White and the Klan, but it’s even better even though this band is roughly from MUSTARD PLUG: to hear the echoes of the past get inject- the period when my interest in rasslin’ magnus.com) ed with new adrenaline, lead by some- was at its friggin’ zenith (in case you’re Yellow #5: CD one who really knows how to plug it. wondering, yes, breathe easy, i agree MOURNINGSIDE/ I’m ready to be happy again. The over- abundant influx of ska bands that we Very surprising. Did I mention that wrestling fucking BLOWS these BRANDO: Split 7” EP Hostage’s packaging is fucking amaz- days and i haven’t been to anything had to endure during the late ‘90s Mourningside: I think they’re aping the almost killed the genre for me. Now that ing? Mine even came with a spider in other than a local card where one of my Misfits, but they suck so bad it’s hard to the spindle hole. –Todd (Hostage) friends was involved in ten years), we the bad, “I’m going to get rich and tell. Brando: Much noisier and much famous,” wannabe bands have given up, actually have very little in common; fur- better than that crap on the other side. ther, as an AWA guy, i don’t even know the quality of the releases is going back MALCONTENTS, THE: Straight-up hardcore with no pretense up. Take Mustard Plug for instance. I if i should be rooting for a band com- and no delusions of grandeur. They Liquor Store EP: 7” have always liked this band. I think I posed of WWF fans. I mean, fuck, they would do well to do themselves a favor From the cover – of a naked lady puking stole Hogan from us, they stole Jesse appreciated every release that I onto a target on the ground – I thought and avoid doing splits in the future. received. This release I would compare Ventura from us, they even stole fucking –Jimmy Alvarado (address illegible) this’d be dirty, nasty, in-the-red garage. Gene Okerlund from us! Fuck you, to the most recent Bosstones record; a Wrong bongo. I usually crap all over Mighty Ions! Enjoy the world you’ve sense of familiarity and I notice a matu- MUDHONEY: Since We’ve pervasively mellow heartbreak songs created! ...unfortunately, songs like rity to their sound. The music is the and nail them to the “alternative adult “Say Somethin’ Stupid” are so brilliant Become Translucent: CD same with the sound of skanking guitars contemporary” crucifix in my bath- even in a non-wrestling context that i This is one of my favorite bands. and the presence of happy horns. The room. Since I didn’t bring any precon- have no choice but to submit to this ver- Consistantly, they have put out quality songs are tight and feel like they have ceived notions to The Malcontents, itable Boston Crab o’ Rock and wonder albums since I first heard them in 1988 worked on them until they were just (unlike the Replacements, who once why there are no submission holds with Superfuzz Bigmuff. For those of right. This is not a bunch of songs just to breathed fire, but at the very end of their named after my own municipality... (i you unaware, Mudhoney has a fuzzy get a bunch of songs out there. I feel like career, became the Paul Westerburg can also assure the wrestling non-enthu- garage rock punk sound with a blues they are doing it for the love of the Plink and Cry Ensemble) I like these siast that this record holds up as well backbone. Mark Arm has one of the best music. Ska lovers take notice. songs. They’re catchy, hummable, outside the squared circle as it does on voices in punk as well. This album –Donofthedead (Hopeless) sound like slowed-down ‘Mats songs, the mat, with the melodic/somewhat marks some changes for them. First, and are extremely hangover friendly. tinny punk sound that was Boston’s they have replaced their bass player, MX-80: Self-titled: 7” When I want to puss out with dignity, trademark back then fitting in seamless- Matt Lukin (who, like the rest of the Two doses of quirky art rock. I made it this’ll be spinning. –Todd (Skull) ly next to your La Peste and Unnatural members, has been with them since they through one of the songs before I found Axe [who, in fact, begat at least one Ion] started), with Guy Maddison. I’m not myself pondering the possibilities of MANIKIN: Self-titled: CD reissues and reminding you that, like it familiar with him, but I think he was in alternate universes existing in the gap- A band from Austin who sounds like or not, Boston emitted the best bands, two bands prior to this. Lubricated Goat ing void that is my belly button. –Jimmy they come from California’s South Bay, pound-for-pound, for a good stretch of and Bloodloss. The next thing they did Alvarado (www.mx-80.com) circa 1981 or so. Imagine an updating of time back in The Day™). Let the record differently was to include horns in some of the songs. Finally, there are four dif- the sound mined on slower China White also show that their reworking of MYSTERY GIRLS, THE: songs and early Shattered Faith and “California über Alles” as “Pedro ferent producers on this album, includ- you’re not too far off the mark. Good ing Wayne Kramer. The songs were Self-titled: CD Morales” is sheerest genius. The Grand Some prime rock’n’roll in the MC5- sounds here. –Jimmy Alvarado (Super Wizard taught them well! BEST SONG recorded in four different sessions. Secret) What does all this mean? Well, I was meets-the-Nuggets-comps vein, cour- TITLE: “Say Somethin’ Stupid” BEST tesy of some Green Bay teens who fuck- SONG: “Say Somethin’ Stupid” or apprehensive at first. Not because of these reasons, but when I first popped in ing GET IT. To merely call this “damn MIDNIGHT CREEPS: “Don’t Talk to Me” FANTASTIC good” would be a grave injustice. Buy a AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: The the CD, the first song is an eight minute Punchin’ Skanks at the Venue: CD hundred copies each, make ’em rich, Mighty Ions were formed as GG Allin’s plus psychedelic jam session. It started Hey, is this Cher’s super-secret punk out like a Pink Floyd song. “D’OH!”, and play loud. –Jimmy Alvarado project? I could swear that’s her singin’. backing band back in 1980, and wrote (Trick Knee) “Don’t Talk to Me,” which is the best was the only thing that came to my If it is, she needs some better songs, mind. “What have they done?” I ’cause nothing here has the catchy qual- song on GG’s first album (this is the SECOND review where i’ve mentioned thought, “What happened to my NEW CREATURES, THE: ity of that “Do you believe in life after Mudhoney?” Fortunately, the song man- love?” song, and this disc really needs that album in this issue; one wouldn’t Media Brainwash: CD think the damn thing would turn out to ifested itself into a normal blend of Snotty mid-tempo punk from a band something like that. –Jimmy Alvarado music and lyrics, but there was some- (Midnight Creeps) be such a friggin’ cultural touchstone). that, for what it’s worth, included future Also, “George ‘The Animal’ Steele” is thing new in their sound… horns. I set- members of the Medicine Wheel and both misspelled and mis-quotation- tled down at this point and began to take Guided By Voices. Fun for about half a MIGHTY IONS, THE: marked on the back cover, and the apos- the rest of the album in. I’m glad to say listen and then my attention was divert- Face Rakin’ Rock: LP trophe on “Somethin’” points the wrong that Mudhoney was still there. The ed by the trials and tribulations of an ant As you may not know nor care, before way. –Rev. Nørb (Alien Snatch) songs get back to normal after the first that was making its way across my shoe. the cable-abetted globalization of pro one. There are some horns on a few of –Jimmy Alvarado (Smog Veil) wrestling really took hold in the mid the songs, which I don’t think really MISHAPS, THE: compliment their sound much. Organs ‘80s, rasslin’ was a regionalized phe- NEW TOWN ANIMALS: nomenon: The Northeast had the WWF, Get Away Volume: CDEP and harmonicas have done well in the the Upper Midwest and Rockies had the Pretty straight ahead, somewhat poppy, past, but I think they need to give up the Fashion Fallout b/w AWA, the NWA was in the south, and middle-of-the-road punk that falls on horn thing. This isn’t one of the best Fallin’ Outta Space: 7” whatever federation was in place where the force scale of newtons somewhere albums they have put out by far. I like this. It’s charming and happy with you lived, that was who ya saw on TV between The Lillingtons and The However, after you get over the shock some pretty catchy guitars slicing things and at the matches. I mention that only Bodies. Thankfully, not so twinkle-toes of the first song’s long intro and can put up in the background. The vocalist, because Mighty Ions, The, were a poppy that I go into a diabetic seizure, up with some horns in a couple songs, especially on “Fallin’ Outta Space,” wrasslin’-themed band who ran the but not heavy enough to insure that my it’s still Mudhoney. Dan Peters, Steve sounds a lot like the main singer for the squared circle o’ rawk with an iron fist Limecell discs will stay in their jewel Turner, and Mark Arm are still churning Briefs – half singing, half kinda mock from ‘80-’82, which would be great, cases. I would imagine that they’re out the fuzz that I couldn’t get enough falsettoing/balls-in-a-vice-ing. The except, being as how they’re from much better live – where the music can of fourteen years ago. –Toby (Subpop) overall result is clean and bouncy, remi- Boston and all, they’re WWF guys, and grow teeth and back hair and take on an niscent of that sliver of time where the unrestrained feral energy. Not bad i’m an AWA guy. This means that MUMMYDOGS: first wave of punk hadn’t yet lost its they’re all Pedro Morales and Greg though. If there were such a thing as col- steam and was coming from a hundred lagen shots for the testicles, I’d say Self-titled: CD Valentine and Freddie Blassie and the Wow, this is the first new record I’ve different directions, hardcore was still to Grand Wizard and Bob Backlund and these guys should get some. But if come on the event horizon, and the term they’d just turn their amps up a bit seen on Frontier in literally decades. I the annoying legacy of Bruno guess Lisa Fancher managed to scrape new wave hadn’t had the time to crank Sammartino and the night Jimmy Snuka more, I think we might have a winner. out iffy bands like The Motels. Worth a –Aphid Peewit (Scissor Press) up some extra money or something. missed the headbutt from the top of the Unfortunately, it does zippo for these second look if you see it in the bin. –Todd (Dirtnap) cage at Madison Square Garden, and ears. Mellow indie rock with a guy try- 77 NEW YORK REL-X: mity. Fans like me appreciate these they’re heavy. It’s recorded so that it gripe back then was that the intensity releases to fill the holes in their collec- comes together as a band, not individu- that fueled Mating Sounds of South She’s Got a Gun/ Paranoia: CD tions. Two fingers in the air punk rock als, not one overpowering another. It’s American Frogs was largely absent, This female fronted band is pretty good. for ya! –Donofthedead ((1) Rugger dense and filled with so much going on leaving some lackluster pop songs with It’s fast ‘80s style punk rock. I have Bugger / (2) Step-1 Music) in every track. On my second listen I a tinge of a punk edge. While I think been listening to it a lot. This is a com- began wondering how many tracks they that assessment might’ve been a little bination of their two previous EPs. had to record to get that complexity. harsh, I still don’t think, fifteen years When I saw they were coming around I OLVIDADOS, LOS: Listen to This: CD Then I looked at the liner notes. There later, I was that far off the mark. It’s was excited, but they were disappoint- are eight members. Eight! They have very true that there’s a decided lack of ing live. I found the lead singer and the Listen to this is right! All I can say about this why, WHY wasn’t this two vocalists, a drummer, two bass “oomph” to the proceedings and some lead guitarist (with his goofy looking players and (count ‘em) THREE gui- of the tracks here are obviously filler, mod haircut) annoying. I just expected mandatory tuneage released way back when so it could’ve achieved the leg- tars! That helped explain things. The but there are some good songs to be something different, I guess. They do packaging is amazing as well: black found here as well, most notably “Keys have Johnny Kray on drums, who is endary status it deserves? This puppy has enough vitriol and sonic BOOM to gatefold with the graphics and text to the City” and “Spirit of Keith Moon,” always great player whether on guitar pressed into it. The booklet inside is either of which almost make this worth (The Krays) or drums. So, I decided to stand up to damn near any other release from the same time period, namely the glossy and filled with these great illus- the green and the inclusion of assorted just ogle their very hot bassist, Adi. As I trations. They provide lyrics, thankfully. B-sides and live tracks, however, fur- tried to keep the drool from rolling early ‘80s, and there’s not one shitty song in the bunch. Hell, even the “hid- I’m not so great at deciphering them. ther sweeten the deal considerably. down my chin, I forgot about the other They’re on a brief hiatus from shows –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) two at the front of the stage, making the den” track rocks; a rare occurrence, indeed. I move that we completely for- now, just getting back from touring show more bearable for me. Listen to Europe, but I know I’ll be looking to see the CD, but if you see them live, stand get that this just came out, keep telling PETER AND THE TEST TUBE ourselves that we used to own it way them the next time out. –Megan Pants to the far left of the stage. You will (Robotic Empire) BABIES: Supermodels: CD thank me. –Toby (TKO) back when on vinyl and that it’s a damn More straightforward in approach than good thing that it’s now out on disc, Soberphobia, this has more balls while ’cause if any punk record deserved reis- PANIC ATTACKS: NIHILISTICS, Self-titled: LP still managing to keep their trademark suing this year, this one is it. Don’t pick repetitive guitar leads and poppy hooks This is how re-issues should be. Not this up, get a fail on your “Punk Rock Watch the Skies: 7” EP only does it sound great, there’s a full Everything about this SCREAMS ‘60s intact. While not quite as crucial as their 101” final. Them’s the rules, kids. slop, but no, just another record by earlier material, there’s some mighty zine-like insert covering the band, re- –Jimmy Alvarado (Alternative Tentacles) running zine interviews and clippings, another Queers clone I can use around fine work to be found here, especially my toilet as a guard against any poten- “Let’s Do Lunch,” which I’d love to printing all the lyrics, and giving you a ORGAN, THE: ton of pictures to look at. Originally tial damage incurred to the floor blast full bore out the window of the Sinking Hearts: CDEP beneath by drunk, errant-aiming guests building in downtown Los Angeles released in ‘83, it’s hard not to place After the self-release of The Organ’s NYC’s Nihilistics in the same on-fire that might happen by. –Jimmy Alvarado where I work. Good listening. –Jimmy two-song 7” earlier this year, everyone (www.panicattacksgetwell.com) Alvarado (Captain Oi) field as The Necros, Negative in Vancouver BC knew they were bound Approach, and Heart Attack: dark, to be something special. Imagine if The aggressive, assaultive, no-compromise Smiths and Joy Division became one, PANIC, THE: Self-titled CDEP PITS, THE: hardcore deep from the throats and from and were all women. This is what you’d Dude, I need some new underwear. I My Life In Ruins: 7” EP the hands of people who probably real- get. Numbed, soft, and delicate-at-times just shit myself. The Panic are right at Anthemic punk reminiscent of the UK ly don’t like you. In a roundabout way, vocals backed by that Johnny Marr jan- the top of the best mix of new and old Subs. I dug it. –Jimmy Alvarado (Rapid I can also see a line between these guys gly guitar, thick carrying bass, and hardcore I’ve heard in years. Too fast Pulse) and OC’s Bonecrusher; working class, drums that give you the feel of ‘60s and blasting to be strictly melodic, yet hard-hitting anthems by people you trash rock, and of course – an organ. too catchy and swinging bat-like to be really believe don’t fit in and work hard, dismissed as a stale homage, this is PRIDS, THE: Glide, Screamer: EP The Organ is the second vocalist of the The second EP from this Portland (OR) not just cop a style in the hopes of get- band, leading every track to the next. some exciting, penetrating stuff. It’s ting rich. They’re also extremely smart. tough, not macho. It’s chaotic but not based three-piece is three studio tracks The standout tracks have got to be “It’s and one live. Opening with the title In ‘83 they pointed out, in no uncertain Time to Go,” (which also appears on muddy or out of focus. It’s recorded terms, that war is welfare for the rich. fucking perfectly, with the burrs and track – which starts with an empty, del- their self titled 7”) and the title track, icate bass then in comes guitar and Articulate in a very direct way. “Sinking Hearts”; songs about romance jagged edges intact, but all the instru- Definitely recommended. A pure docu- ments are clarion clear. Woo! Combine drums. This the dance club hit. and rock n’ roll. Numbing at times, the Reminding me a bit of New Order, then ment of a band that lived by its own lyrics are simple but painfully expres- Gorilla Biscuits, Negative Approach, rules. Excellent. –Todd (Mad At The World) Out Cold, Reagan SS, and Kid bursting into a strong, dark rock. Low, sive, “Remember when I left you/ I even sexy, male vocals croon. Backing couldn’t say your name/ or other crucial Dynamite in a cement mixer really fast and pour. Heavy, thick, and designed for it are female vocals that are slightly off OI POLLOI: things like I love you/ oh, that’s a time from the main, which makes the shame.” (from “Sinking Hearts.”) burying lesser bands. Highest recom- (1)Six of the Best and mendation. –Todd (Bridge Nine) vocal tracks very distinct. A five minute Alright, start writing those bitter love track that doesn’t seem to ever last long (2)Outraged by the System: CD letters and diary entries. This album will I received two CDs that feature the enough. “Human Astronomy,” is where have girls dancing with boys, boys PEAR OF THE WEST: greatest hits from one of the long stand- you can see more of the slight shoe- dancing with boys, and girls dancing ing DIY anarchist bands that truly mat- This Means Little Resistance gazer feel, female vocals are lead this with girls. –Sarah Stierch (Global ter. From their early beginnings in the time – where they come off coy and Symphonic) and the Proof of Existence: CD mid 1980s to the current, these motley Mix in the undeniable catchiness of the even sensual, with a monumental musi- crew of status questioners have been Teen Idols when Heather sings or does a cal backing that at times even reminds belting it out for years. OP has a way of ORGANIC: The Life duet (like the Idols’, “Twenty Below”) , me a bit of Pink Floyd (but in a good expelling their rage and making you feel and Times of Sal Sagev: CD along with the jumpiness of Hi powerful way, I swear! Circa Meddle. it without using cheap gimmicks. You Exactly the sort of dime-a-dozen emo Standard, and a clear and radiant guitar, Fuck you if you don’t like Floyd!) – just feel that they mean what they say. They that precipitated my initial downgrade you’ve got Japan’s Pear of the West. because the breakdowns are so spacey stand on their own and require no com- of fervor for punk from fanatic to enthu- Female-fronted goodness, and it’s pop and strong. Sending you into space, and parisons. They came to the states a cou- siastic, when emo began to slide from punk, but in the new mutation that I’m then back down into the world you ple of times to my recollection and I being something reasonable – nay, liking so much more. Instead of tapping know – or wish you didn’t. A quick two missed them. They are one of the bands GOOD (Embrace, Rites of Spring) – to the pock marked vein of trying to cop minute song, it makes quite an impact. on my list in my head that I truly have being the cookie-cutter atrocity-cum- what both Screeching Weasel and early Okay, that’s a little dramatic. But the to see in my lifetime. Six of the Best fea- joke it is today. It’s heartening to know Queers did so well, bands seem to be Prids make me feel transcendent. What tures the EPs “Punks n’ Skins,” “Resist a new generation of bands is carrying rotating the crops and pulling up the can I say? Side B, don’t forget to slow the Atomic Menace,” “Omnicide,” the torch to fuck it up for today’s kids. roots of some of the best catchy punk the speed down (that gets me every “Guilty,” the self-titled EP put out by –Cuss Baxter (Microcosm) and instilling it with their own dirt and time). More male vocals, “Persona the Polish label Nikt Nic Nie Wie and growth to fill in the spaces. Best Solara,” is another danceable track. “THC.” It’s a timeline of incredible PAGENINETYNINE: Japanese to English translation line: Songs about girls always make for punk at its best. Outraged by the System Document#8: CD “I’m full of drunk.” Cool. –Todd drama with bands like this. Strings, key- is a greatest hits package and has many This is some of the best hardcore I’ve (Snuffy Smile) boards, and more sensual vocals. I love songs from the previously mentioned heard in quite some time. It’s driven the bass line that goes throughout this with such force, but it takes control of song, it really carries it – giving that CD. It’s equally as important if you PETER AND THE TEST TUBE need to sample their venom. If their that drive, fully in charge the entire Jesus & Mary Chain Psychocandy feel. music doesn’t inspire you to think or time. It feels natural to go into a break- BABIES: Soberphobia: CD The live track, “Duracraft,” which is become active, you are down after the balls-out rock that pre- I remember not liking this album much from their first EP (of the same title) is 78 too far gone in confor- cedes it. And the breakdowns? Damn, back when it first came out. My biggest okay. The recording isn’t the best. It sounds like it was recorded more in the REASONSEVEN: ROTTEN APPLES: AFTER PRACTICE, STICK audience. You can hear people talking Real-Tuff (Durable Plastic): CD ALREADY CHEWED GUM IN HER and chit-chatting over screams and Self-titled: CD BEST PAIR OF SLUT SHOES!!! Quirky rock with some punk flourishes. First song starts out like Elastica play- howls. I’m sure the studio track is love- ing the riff to “Quick Joey Small” by the WHEN YOU STAY AT HOTELS, ly – a very Joy Division sounding track Not my cup of tea, but I’ve heard worse. STICK HER HAND IN WARM –Jimmy Alvarado (Smog Veil) Kasenetz-Katz Singing Orchestral with a very pissed off sounding Mistina Circus while the Muffs and the Detroit WATER SO SHE PEES THE BED on vocals. Clocking in at almost seven Cobras violently mudwrestle in the AND ALIENATES OTHER BAND minutes, it is a tad long as well. But shit, RECKLESS BASTARDS: MEMBERS!!! SHE’S ONLY GOT It’s Time for Buzz: CDEP background, then kicks in with alter- all the howling and screaming people do nately sultry/pissed off tough chick ONE NAME, ANYWAY!!! LIKELY at the end sure make you wish you were Sloppy garage punk with a ‘60s influ- SOME KINDA MADE-UP STRIPPER ence that would be a lot better if they vocals like the singer from Romeo Void there, beer in hand, dancing. If the Prids having impossibly rapid-fire mood NAME!!! YOU’VE GOT TWO!!! were around in 1985, the girls would replaced their rhythm section. Boring!! FIGHT THE POWER!!! DEMAND –Mike Dunn (Reckless Bastards) swings, backed by what i can only spec- have worn the same lipstick as Mistina, ulate to be some manner of simplistic FACE TIME!!! SAVE THE TEXAS boys would have the same hair as but forceful riot grrrl soul-punk that PRAIRIE CHICKEN!!! ALL OF IT ON Jarius, everyone would wear the same REMUS AND doesn’t exactly not evoke memories of RED THIRTEEN!!! YOU’LL NEVER eyeliner as David, and they would have THE ROMULAN NATION: 7” L7, but in a good way (somehow), but TAKE CODY JARRETT ALIVE, COP- been here, there, and everywhere. I’m not scared of lo-fi, but this sounds with a more stripped down approach. PERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for listen- Overall a great EP. I’m excited to hear like it’s played under a mattress, so it’s Damn, i said “stripped down.” And i ing. BEST SONG: “Love Career” or more – hopefully a full length in the hard to pull out the nuances. The vocal- was doing so well! To summarize, it is “Spade” BEST SONG TITLE: “Love future. Yeah, neo-new wave! –Sarah ist sounds like a super-political Chi Pig “good.” The lush vocals are like mis- Career” or “Spade,” i guess FANTAS- Stierch (Self released) of SNFU – almost cartoony, but earnest. handled bratwursts sliding seductively TIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Chris It also brings to mind a muddier down a WNBA point guard’s hips. Brief is thanked in the liner notes and i QUALM: Long Story Short: CD Crimpshrine or a duct-tape-ier Unfortunately, by about the third song, know him. –Rev. Nørb (Empty) The fifth song on this waste of plastic is Operation Cliff Clavin: the songs are i’m starting to get restless, thinking of “Try Not to Feel So Bad When You mid-tempo, partially melodic, partially things i could be doing around the SCALPING SCREEN: Find Out You Really Suck.” Don’t think anthemic, and socially aware (the song house. By the fourth song, i’m going 13 Revolting Strains: CD I could’ve put it any more succinctly. explanations are longer than the songs stark raving nuts with boredom. The CD When I hear the words “Finland” and I’m surprised your parents haven’t themselves). It’s okay. I just wish it is only twenty-three minutes long, but, “thrash” occupying the same sentence, I grounded you for being in a band this sounded more listenable. –Todd for whatever reason, it seems more like expect the trademark fjordcore sound of bad. –Jimmy Alvarado (Not Bad) (Soul Is Cheap) it’s about an hour and a half. I begin to bands like Mob 47 and Terveet Kadet look disdainfully on the vocals: They that put Scandinavian punk on the map. These guy apparently are either oblivi- REACTION, THE: Self-titled: CD RIISTETYT: Skitsofrenia: CD seem to be attempting to incite a more Spooky rock’n’roll bubblegum. In other If I remember correctly, this is a re- sophisticated effect on the listener than ous of that history or are disinterested in words, a punchy mix of Motorhead (for release of this legendary Finnish band’s the musical backing (though fairly com- it, as they are content to opt for macho the gasoline in the gum), Zeke (for the first LP. I could be wrong and if I am, petent and well-recorded) can support. grunt-metal a la Pantera. To their credit, grit in the gum), and the Beach Boys it’s not the first time. This was initially The lyrics begin to grate me. “Plastic they aren’t bad at it, but that shit just (for the pop in the gum) by way of the released in 1983, so the timeline to be World,” with its squeaks of “Fake tits, ain’t my bag, baby, and bores my blood Misfits (the packaging of the gum and their first LP might be right. The songs fake eyes, fake bullshit!” sounds like rather than boils it. –Jimmy Alvarado the mental pictures). It’s kinda bwoo- are primitive, but raw and energetic. something some fourteen-year-old girl (www.scalpingscreen.com) ha-ha (“Let the Sleeping Corpses Lie,” Before it was called crust or discore, it would’ve written after masturbating to “Army of the Dead,” “Revenge and was just straight ahead metallic punk “Rebel Girl” for the first time. Things SCREWDRIVERS, THE: Murder,”) but it’s way too hooky and that let the energy do the talking. It seem to be devolving into petty bitchi- Self-titled: CD tuneful to say it’s a direct rip of any of takes me back twenty years when I first ness: “F.W.A.K.” – “Fucked Without a EGADS, IT’S TERRIBLE!!! STOP IT! the aforementioned bands. I like it. It started hearing international punk. It Kiss” – is about creepy guys; compare TURN IT OFF! TAKE IT OUT speeds by fast and I usually let it play a still stands the test of time – abrasive that to the Scream song of the same BEFORE IT PERMANENTLY DAM- couple times. –Todd (Acme) songs sung in languages I had no idea of name (1st album) about prison rape and AGES THE COMPU –Jimmy Alvarado understanding. But the language of see how much of an outpouring of sym- (The Screwdrivers) aggression crosses all language barriers. pathy you can muster on her behalf. REAGAN SS: More people need to discover and Gah! Suddenly, for no good reason, SCURVY BASTARDS: Hail to the New Dawn: 7” research bands from other continents, “Spade” comes on – dead last, track ten Gold Fever: 7” Can you hear that noise? It has that past and present, and see what is outside of ten – and i realize the problem! The I really dig the pirate motif here and the buzz sound ringing in the distance. I of their backyards. This is a time cap- first nine tracks have been sung by the music was a nice change of pace. It think what I hear is the buzz of a band sule that has been opened and needs to SINGER! But track ten is being sung by made me want to hang out in the New that is going to turn heads every time be shared with others. –Donofthedead the DRUMMER! And it’s BRIL- Orleans section of Disneyland with a that people come across them. I may not (Usinade Sangue) LIANT! OF COURSE! THAT’S IT! parrot on my shoulder. be the only one excited by this band, but The singer, with the exception of the –Jimmy Alvarado (702) I know for sure that they are going to be ROCK BOTTOM AND THE strikingly ace first track, is wreckin’ placed in the punk history books for the SPIES: Rich Girl: 7” everything with her god damned SEA OF TOMBS: Self-titled: CD year 2002. This is their second release The lyric sheet says this is a repress of SINGERLINESS!!! The drummer has Standing proudly in that large area of after their split with John Browns Army an ultra-rare 7” from 1981 and, seeing no such failings! Therefore, it is my overlap between stoner and prog rock, which put them on the map. They have as it sounds like pure Killed By Death sworn duty to stoke the dang boiler and Sea of Tombs sound quite a lot like been aggressively playing around fodder I’m inclined to believe ’em. Raw foment band unrest by demanding that early Sabbath without that whiny goof- California, blowing away bands that punk rock with occasional keyboards the drummer, one “Heather Jane,” RISE ball they had singing for them, with have to play after them after they play that wins the “easily the best thing I’ve UP AND SMITE (or merely wrest con- plenty Blue Cheer thrown in for variety. their menacing short and to-the-point heard all day” contest by a landslide. trol from) THE SINGER/GUITARIST, Six long, heavy instrumentals you’ll sets. In the band is former Razorcaker, –Jimmy Alvarado (www.breakmyface.com) one “Dejha!” COME ON, HEATHER miss when they’re gone. Makes me Matt Average, who is the nuts and bolts JANE, IT’S YOU THE PEOPLE ARE wish I smoked stuff. –Cuss Baxter of this outfit. It’s his baby and he creat- ROGER MIRET & THE PAYIN’ TA SEE!!! YOU’RE the reason (Gravity) ed it to expel the anger inside him. the band’s come this far!!! YOU’RE the Beside his writings for many publica- DISASTERS: Self-titled: CD Okay, so Todd failed to tell me that this glue that holds it all together!!! Dejha is tions and his artistry for photography, SEX WITH LURCH: was a guy from Agnostic Front until just keeping you DOWN because SHE he expresses in his music how his envi- Self-Titled: CD EP after I’d listened to it. Looking at the KNOWS YOU’RE A STAR ON THE ronment irritates him. The music is fast If Redd Kross had been a death rock song titles, Todd and I sort of thought it RISE, BAY-BEE!!! YOU’RE COMPE- as a race boat and powerful like a can- band, I have no doubt they would’ve might be a covers album. There was TITION!!! SHE WANTS TO KEEP non – no frills punk thrash that is sounded just like this. –Jimmy Alvarado “Radio, Radio” – Elvis Costello, “It’s YOU IN THE BACK, BEHIND THE straight to the point and is short but (www.sexwithlurch.com) Alright” – Dead Boys, and “New York DRUMS, WHERE GUYS CAN LOOK sweet with its rage. It has eight songs Belongs to Me” we thought could be a UP YOUR SKIRT AND SEE YOUR that go by so fast that you have to pay SHAKEDOWNS, THE: Move!: CD take on Cock Sparrer’s “England PANTIES AND SUCHLIKE!!! DON’T attention. The production is improved Dude, they’re trying really hard to make Belongs to Me.” We were wrong. This FALL FOR IT!!! RISE UP!!! REBEL!!! from the split previously mentioned. me move, but their attempts at trash is going to be the next thirty-something MAKE LUDICROUS DEMANDS!!! The real experience is their live show. rock just ain’t cuttin’ it. So, this is what voice for all the angry twelve-year olds WHEN YOU COME HOME FROM Do not miss them if they come to your impotence feels like…. –Jimmy out there. I’m sure this band is going GIGS, DROP HER OFF FIRST, THEN town. –Donofthedead (625) Alvarado (www.vmsrecords.com) places. My record collection just isn’t TALK SHIT ABOUT HER IN THE one of them. –Megan Pants (Hellcat) VAN THE REST OF THE WAY HOME!!! WHEN YOU GO OUT SHOTWELL/ 79 ZERO FAST: Split 7” EP Hedonist Hellcats: CD Let’s hear it for Snuffy Smile for contin- Low Impact out of Sweden has picked uing their tradition of connecting two up a bunch of Groovie Ghoulie-loving, cool Japanese and American bands. I sick bastards from Finland. It’s an inter- love this series. This one’s a double up esting mix of ‘60s garage that would be of pop-leaning political punk. Shotwell: played as a soundtrack to a low budget I often try to think of what Fifteen would horror movie mixed with an early sound like if they didn’t musically suck Cramps sound that meshes with a psy- so hard and weren’t so lead-pipey/car chobilly vibe. It’s raw and fun energy bomby with the lefty lyrics. Shotwell that makes you want to go-go dance like answers that question. It’s “resisting a spastic monkey. The keyboards are the dominant culture” dirty pop, recorded in clincher for this release. The dated a garage that the Buzzcocks could have sound adds to the charm of the party. used, with this cool hummy, buzzy qual- I’ve heard that people either love or hate ity to the recording. I know it’s a stretch, this band. I’m in the love them mode! – but imagine if Smogtown moved away Donofthedead (Low Impact) from the beach and started singing about property rights. They’ve got kick, hooks, SLEATER-KINNEY: and heart. Neat shit. Zero Fast sound like they’re from Gainesville or early-’80s One Beat: CD Minnesota, not Japan. They perform a Sleater-Kinney impress the hell out of compelling synthesis of what’s great me. They’ve been creating sonic-filled about early Replacements, Jam, Husker sounds for almost a decade and always Du, and Radon. They’re not all that manage to jolt this listener with intelli- flashy, but certainly strong as shit at gent, catchy, ferocious, and beautiful making songs’ melodies and rhythm music. The seesaw vocal and guitar weave together, and they sound better work of Corin Tucker and Carrie with each listen. I always love the trans- Brownstein, melding with the genius lations of Japanese bands. The standout drumming of Janet Weiss, are elements on this one is: “There’s a park by bay- one comes to expect from a Sleater- side in my town where I used to go. Kinney release. But the ladies have Now, it’s covered with new buildings introduced themselves to a new assault and a million bullshits.” Two bands I of instrumentation; theramins, synthe- knew dick about when I woke up today sizers and even horns! Admittedly, this and now very much enjoy. –Todd CD took a while to embrace – a shift (Snuffy Smile) from the norm will do that. But the real- ization that this is an outstanding album, full of unexpected twists and turns, is SHUTINS, THE: wildly rewarding. The Sleater-Kinney Haunted by Hangovers: CD core is the same, but the shell’s got a lit- Sounds like a demo by a third-tier, mid- tle more pizzazz. And with the lyrics, “I ’80s punk band who’ve tired of playing look to the sky and ask it not to rain on the same fifty-two thrash songs every my family tonight,” (“Far Away”) and night and want to be acknowledged as “Let’s break out our old machines now, “real” musicians but can’t quite come up it sure is good to see them run again,” with tunes good enough to get them (“Combat Rock”) one can easily sense noticed by a major label. The singer the band’s finger on the pulse of what’s sounds like he had a tummy ache during relevant. But they know how to mix it up the course of recording this epic disc. with just the right amount of carefree Nice pictures of people vomiting to attitude with Carrie sweetly singing, round out the package. I can empathize “The way I feel when you call my name, with their need to expel lunch, ’cause makes me go crazy to sane.” (“Oh!”) I’m feelin’ pretty much the same way Sleater-Kinney get a gold star for this right about now. –Jimmy Alvarado one! Lyric-I-can’t-get-out-of-my-head (www.bustinwithterror.com) props go to: “Could I turn this place upside down and shake you and your SICK OF IT ALL: fossils out?” –Kat Jetson (Kill Rock Stars) Live in a Dive: CD Do you need an explanation? This is SOIA’s entry into the domain of the SLIDEPIECE: “Live in a Dive” series at Fat. By far, it’s One Cheap Ass CD: CDEP the best of the series and it’s going to be Judging by the looks of the band, I was hard to topple this beast off its pedestal. expecting something akin to Blink 182, Besides the new D4, this is probably the but they actually play garagy pop punk second best release of the year from Fat. that’s not without its charm. The best SOIA has been around long enough to reference point would be Cringer, how- start on an indie and go to a major and ever with dopey lyrics. Decent. –Mike back to indie without losing a bit of pas- Dunn (www.slidepiece.com) sion and energy. SOIA barrel through many songs from their extensive cata- SMOKE: Follows Beauty: CD log. Twenty-three songs of pure hard- I thought Iron Butterfly broke up core classics. I wish there was more. I decades ago. Damn, if I were a hippie recommend this to their loyal fans and it with a fatty, a six pack, and nothing but is a good starting point for those inter- time to worry about, this would be blast- ested, but haven’t experienced their ing the walls of my apartment down. strong East Coast HC in the studio and –Jimmy Alvarado (Kozmik) live. For a live recording, this is one of the best that I have heard. The music is tight and the energy of their live experi- SONIC DOLLS: Riot ence is felt. Makes me want to go see at the Sheep Dog Trials: CD them live the next time they are in town. What we have here is no frills punk I am deeply satisfied. –Donofthedead mixed with some pop elements. (Fat) Generally, they run along the lines of sounding like Screeching Weasel mixed SKREPPERS, THE: with the Pink Lincolns, though more loose around the edges. Despite the fact go for broke. They attack bands that ment leads the other. Mr. Scott Anna’s fused about “I’ve Got Asthma” being I think this fully listenable, it really isn’t should give it up (“Punk Rock Hero drums often bring the entire band included as a bonus track “previously essential. –Mike Dunn (Stardumb) Reunion Vs. 3-D Old Dude Karaoke together through the awe inspiring feed- only available on the Japanese CD ver- Tour”), love (“Punch to the Heart”), back and so forth – his instrumentation sion.” To the best of my recollection, it SONIC YOUTH + ICP + THE politics with a country twang (“Linda makes you realize – yes, you’re still was on every version of the original Krondstat”), capitalism, (“Shiny alive. I won’t even bother comparing vinyl I ever saw. No matter. It’s on here EX: Self-titled: CD Rim[job]”), and sex (“Gimme Some of them to anyone, ‘cause it’s pointless. and it’s good. Now go spend all yer Just imagine if the guys in Sonic Youth That Disease.”) That’s just the tip of the Sweep The Leg Johnny is its entirely lunch money on it. –Jimmy Alvarado got together with a couple of friends’ iceberg. I’m still getting more amped own genre and being. Speak the gospel, (Captain Oi) bands to play some free jazz and some- about these guys and I’m already rabid. for this is Sweep. –Sarah Stierch one happened to record it. I guess I had Awesome stuff. The big question now is (Southern) TRASH BRATS, THEE: to be there. –Jimmy Alvarado how the hell I’m going to get Jimmy out (Konkurrent) of my house. He’s put up a pup tent near American Disaster: LP TARAKANY!: This band played at the Avalon the record player. Fuck his back-to-the- Fear and Hatred: CD SPICKLE: The Right to land squatter’s rights. He ain’t gettin’ Nightclub. About four hundred people No matter how you slice it, dice it or were at the show. The jam session was Remain Silent: CD my vinyl four pack. –Todd (Dangling package it, be it in English, Spanish, or, Fury) awesome. It whupped a lion’s ass. Trash Listening to Spickle, I picture the guys in this case, Russian, generic modern Brats, Trash Brats, Trash Brats, Trash in Dead Guy back in their introspective, pop punk is fucking boring. Gimme Brats. The band played it on. The band sweater-wearing days when they were SPRINGFIELDS, THE: Muzak over this bullshit any day of the got down. The crowd roared like a lion. smoking just a little too much weed and week. At least with that shit there’s no Self-titled: CD It whupped a mule’s ass (i actually listening to just a little too much John These guys can’t seem to decide pretense of being cool. –Jimmy would not go so far as to say that this Zorn. At their best, Spickle could be whether they wanna be a generic mod- Alvarado (www.tarakany.ru) band whups a mule’s ass. There’s some- favorably compared to bands like No ern punk rock band or the Mentors. thing about the concept of melding late Means No, Hell Worms and Victim’s They suck at both, so I guess the point is TOY DOLLS: ‘80s glam-hair-metal with punkrock Family. But they too often veer off into moot, but, lord, do they try. –Jimmy Bare Faced Cheek: CD that seems to inherently point out that extended musical “studies” that tilt har- Alvarado (www.vmsrecords.com) Of the first four Toy Dolls albums, this punkrock-flavored glam-metal might be rowingly close to some of the more dan- was always my least favorite, and the way to go [if you’re interested], but gerous forms of musical mold, namely: remains so. Save for “Fisticuffs in STROLLERS, THE: that glam-metal flavored punkrock, if post-punk, art-rock, and (shudder) even Frederick Street” and “Ashbrooke you do the math, really has no chance of emo. But this is hardly shocking; for Captain of My Ship: CD Launderette,” the song titles are better succeeding, at least not the way you some reason, instrumental bands seem Fuck the Hives, this is the band from than the actual songs, which are pretty want it to, and i tend to suspect that to over compensate for their being Sweden that people should be excited unmemorable on the whole and the per- bands like the Trash Brats are singerless. They develop a kind of about! It’s authentic ‘60s garage punk formance and production are lackluster. hearing/thinking “punkrock flavored napoleon complex. Don’t get me that brings to the ears the sounds of the –Jimmy Alvarado (Captain Oi) glam metal,” but it’s coming out glam wrong; this is not bad at all. It just Sonics meets the Strawberry Alarm metal-flavored punkrock, which is okay, sometimes trips over its own musical Clock having an affair with a little but not exactly Rock Sensation cleverness as it rushes up to prove to MC5. If you ever come across their first TOY DOLLS: Sweepin’ The Nation material). Trash you that they can keep your attention self-titled 7” and the equally fantastic Covered in Toy Dolls: CD Brats, Trash Brats, Trash Brats, Trash even without some shmub howling Bring Her Home 7” you would have in I won’t get on my Captain Oi records Brats (which is not to say that i find no about a heartless ex-girlfriend or evil your possession an early glimpse how having nothing to do with oi kick again. value in this band; “Eatin’ Crow” is cool multi-nationals or whatever. I mean, I’m magical this band is. They followed that I will just tell you about Toy Dolls. This in a first GG Allin LP kinda way, not slighting these Spickle fellows by up with their full length titled Falling is one the of weirdest CDs I have heard “Imitation Generation” did, in fact, have comparing them to Greg Ginn’s Gone, Right Down. This follows in their pro- in awhile. This sounds like an album I me legitimately contemplating whether for instance. At the very least, these gression of growing more gritty but might have checked out of the library in the band intended it to sound like imita- guys don’t get their fingers stuck in retaining their magic of song writing. elementary school with pictures on it tion Generation X [uh, the band], and their guitar strings. They just need to The recording is more stripped down and stuff. It really sounds like, with a “Hungry Eyeballs” evoked some of the shake off their persistent desire to prac- from their previous releases but the few exceptions, a punk album for little Vandals’ better faux-country moments. tice feng shui with their music. They music comes across as beautiful as a kids. It’s all covers spanning from ’82 to Also, the wah-wah in “Must Be need to trust their own raw power and time warp back to the past. I feel like a ’00. They do real kiddie songs like Cocaine” is most boss!). The show was let it run dumb and free a little more child when I hear these songs. I could “Nellie the Elephant” and “Rupert the over at last (truer than you know: One often. –Aphid Peewit (Berserker) easily see many of these songs on a Bear.” They also do a few instrumen- of the most glaring problems with this soundtrack for a B movie that was tals, “Sabre Dance,” “Toccate in Dm,” record is that ALMOST ALL THE SPONTANEOUS DISGUST: released in the ‘60s. I can never get “Eine Kleine Nacht Muzik.” Also, some SONGS ARE WAY TOO FUCKING enough of these guys. You really need to Oh, What Noisy popular songs like “Blue Suede Shoes,” LONG. Hey, it’s only a clever, catchy dig and find some of their releases. You “No Particular Place to Go,” “Please line the first seventy-two times you hear Cats We Are: 4 x 7” will not regret it if you like this genre of Release Me” (with an original tacked on If Jimmy Alvarado didn’t home inva- it! These songs drag out to the point music. –Donofthedead (Low Impact) the tail of if which is really pretty cool, where you begin to personally resent the sion me, poke me in the eye with a stale called “Darling I Loathe You”), “Devil chunk of tamale, plop Spontaneous song for not being over with, then they SWEEP THE LEG JOHNNY: Went Down to Georgia” and “Livin’ La Disgust’s first little bitch of a seven usually add these sort of smart-ass epic Going Down Swingin’: CD Vida Loca.” Of course, they put their endings to them, merely for the sake of inch, Emo Love Fest, on our record own twist to these songs, making them player, and crank it until the neighbors Chicago’s infamous Sweep The Leg frivolity, which would have been okay Johnny is back with another gem of a a bit more palatable. This of more of a had the song not worn out its welcome on three sides complained, I’d’ve called novelty album, if anything else. It was him a big, fat, juicy liar. But, manowar, record. One of my favorite bands in two choruses previous. “Feeding the existence, period. This time, one of the entertaining for a single listen, but it Mosquitos” is one of my favorite songs they’re great – it’s pretty much the same won’t see my CD player again, unless feeling that I got listening to the Zero Rumah Sakit boys has joined in on gui- on the album, due in no small part to the tar. (Making Mr. Mitch Cheney the I’m baby sitting someone’s kids. “Ha!” fact that i only consider it twenty sec- Boys, The Replacements, or (done in the voice of Miss Krabappel). I Leatherface the first time: the music hits other Californian in the band – with onds too long). A lot of people met the bassist Mr. John Brady of the equally would, however, like to hear more of band. The rock show was awesome (i you like a wall, and the more you listen their originals. The guitarist is a pretty to it, the more you realize that every infamous Spanakorzo and Swing Kids.) will go so far as to say that the song They have two songs over fourteen min- damn good and the vocalist has the “Suicide Dedication” – you’re supposed brick is placed with a bunch of thought British, snotty snarl of Johnny Rotten and is heavily constructed with blasting utes on this album. But trust me, you’ll to request it for your ex right before you never notice. You’ll be so zombified by which makes some of these covers off yourself, so whenever the song plays hooks. Due to the fact that the address amusing. –Toby (Captain OI!) was illegible on the first 7”, we thought the stellar musicianship, intense as all after that people will talk shit about they were lost to the world, but, lo, out fuck, bring-me-to-tears-at-times lyrics, WHAT A MEAN CRUEL HEART- comes a four-pack of 7”s. Weird. It’s a and the swarthy saxophone that you will TOY DOLLS: LESS FUCKING BITCH SHE WAS, not that i know any girls like that, no sir, workout swapping them out and listen- lose track of time. Yes, a saxophone. Ten Years of Toys: CD ing to all the tracks – twenty-four in all Dueling with the guitars like it was one, Not a “best of,” per se, so much as re- not me – is legitimately great, the kind – but I’m not complaining. The covers vocalist Mr. Steve Sostak (also in Check workings of some of the Dolls’ best of thing NOFX would have already are all lo-tech xeroxes of Spam sushi, Engine, alongside guitarist Mr. Chris songs to celebrate what was their tenth done if they were as unworthless as peo- bums puking what looks like coin Daly) – then sounding like a cracked out anniversary. The remakes are, for the ple claim they are, which i have never change, and some guy in a white leotard violin, to being another vocalist entirely. most part, top-notch, although some are seen shred one of evidence to support. and angel wings jumping over a cop car. They range from hard as fuck rock to a little slower than the originals. Worth Too bad you can only really use it effec- What’s cool, too, is that they’ve gone delicate off-time jazzy beats. Hard and the green if for no other reason than the tively once, as opposed to the far more soft. Rough and smooth. Every instru- utilitarian “Suicidal beyond their first (?) concept record and version of “Harry Cross.” Kinda con- 81 Failure” by Suicidal Tendencies). It sailor chant and the flip is another –Todd (Snuffy Smile) was a whupping on a mule’s ass anthemic classic complete with (this band has a song called bridge sung in French. Limited, so VARIOUS ARTISTS: “Bubblegum Girl.” If Saddam snatch it up. –Jimmy Alvarado 1157 Wheeler Avenue: A Hussein ever gets a weapon where- (Captain Oi) by he can combine “Bubblegum Memorial for Amadou Diallo: CD Girl” with the Teen Idols’ “Peanut URCHIN, THE/ Butter Girl,” i AM gonna off There is probably no better social myself, because i can’t take the ONE LEAF: Split 7” reason to make a comp. than for fucking horror such a thing would Fuck yeah! My only previous reser- Amadou Diallo, a man, unarmed, unleash). Trash Brats, Trash Brats, vation with The Urchin, and it was who showed no attempt of resis- Trash Brats, Trash Brats. Rock a small one, is that they sounded tance and was shot nineteen times over London. Rock on, Chicago. too proficient. Even though they by New York police who didn’t General Motors: We never forget were hitting all the right notes and identify themselves. A bullet even who’s driving. BEST SONG playing some of the tightest, entered through the bottom of TITLE: “No Jangle Thrust” BEST aggressive pop punk in the land of Diallo's foot (showing that they SONG: “Suicide Dedication” FAN- the rising sun, it never sounded like kept shooting after he was on the TASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA they were breaking a sweat. Too ground). The police were acquitted FACT: I swear to God the melody pro. I wanted to hear the work, you on all charges. A portion of the pro- from “Who Put the Words” is heist- know? These two songs, still very ceeds of this CD will be donated in ed from that goddamn “I’d Like to well recorded, sound dirtier, more Diallo’s name to Human Rights teach the World to Sing” Coca- raw and angry, and that’s nothing Watch to support their ongoing Cola® commercial circa 1971! but good news to these ears. Best campaign to fight police brutality. –Rev. Nørb (Alien Snatch) song title: “Sixth Song We That’s the good news. The bad Recorded for a Split 7” with the news is that the comp.’s very spot- Band Called Dillinger Four.” Best TYRADES: ty. Highlights are a live version of Japanese-to-English translated line: Strike Anywhere’s “Sunset on Stain On Me: 7” “Drinking coffee taste like fuckin’ Two more tracks of gritty punk 32nd” (which fits perfectly and sweat with breathing in chemical sounds much more snarly than the from this female-fronted unit. gas.” One Leaf: in flashes in the Makes me want to go out and studio version), Anti-Flag’s cover songs, like when you walk by a of Mission of Burma’s “That’s scream in someone’s face. Pay fence really quickly and can see attention fuckers, ’cause it rarely When I Reach for My Revolver,” into someone’s back yard, is early The Arrivals, and The GC5. There’s gets better than this. –Jimmy D4 – tremendous energy and every Alvarado (Rip Off) some passable stuff – Munition and single note being hit spikes the Plan A Project. But there’s too song faster and deeper. I’m not say- many dry patches. Fifteen proves UK SUBS: ing One Leaf is as good as D4, but another way they can suck more Drunken Sailor: 7” their potential to touch on really and more, J-Church is as boring as You gotta love these guys. Twenty- cool, complex, and tricky parts is going to real church, as are The 4- plus years on and they can still pull my favorite aspect of their songs. Squares and The Methadones. Hey, out the hits like they were doing Best line: “Let’s drink to the full I really like Youth Brigade, but nothing more than breathing. A- the alcohol numbed to the back of a when the rapping in “Men In Blue” side is their take on a traditional throat!” Cool shit, both sides. starts, my finger goes for the eject button every time. –Todd (Failed Wave 1979-1986: CD would be Kid Dynamite (RIP), from Experiment) VARIOUS ARTISTS: The title pretty much sums it up. whence these bands were musically or Hardcore Amerika (The Pretend you’ve got a short wave radio, a truly spawned. I can’t pick a favorite. Paint It Black distill Minor Threat down VARIOUS ARTISTS: Battle Reagan Years – 1st Term): CD time machine, and a really adventurous, right-on DJ cranking thirty tracks of further, to great effect. It’s almost like for the Airwaves Vol. 2: 7” In the time before exceedingly expen- fuck you haiku. The Curse has a bit of Sub-billed as “West Coast Punk vs. East sive postage, burnable CDs, and the Swedes playing the gamut from loud, fast, and scratchy to synthesizers a-blaz- delay on the vocals. They’re what the Coast Oi,” this features tracks by the advent of the internet was a flourishing last Dag Nasty aerosol cheese of a Workin’ Stiffs, the Bodies, the Templars international hardcore tape trading com- ing rock. I’d only heard passing men- tion of one or two of these bands – like record prayed it could measure up to. and the Wretched Ones. It was a tough munity. Bad Compilation Tapes (or Go! For The Throat have a rollickin’ call, and I don’t deny that I might be Borderless Counties Tapes), known by the Meateaters and Zpamhead – but there’s not a clunker in the bunch. east/west feel, where it their songs are more than a tad biased, but my call is most as BCT, were one of the focal wrecking balls, but they’re sweet like a that the west coast wins by a nose with points – releasing around twenty-seven What’s amazing is most of sound quali- ty is through the roof (in a good way) lollipop. Knives Out remind me of my tunes that are just a tad more memo- international hardcore comps. This here favorite songs in Sick Of It All’s sound- rable. Recommended. -Jimmy Alvarado is a fifty-seven song “best of” from two and the Swedes don’t put as much stran- gulation on adjacent genres, so there’s a book – a couple of buzzsaws and a (Radio) of the releases and it’s the first time shouter. Eight songs, just over ten min- they’ve ever officially been on CD, if nice cross pollination of really hummy, jangly stuff and straight-ahead fuck you utes. Philly’s kung fu is tight. –Todd VARIOUS ARTISTS: I’m not mistaken. This one isn’t so (Chunksaah) international. Actually, it’s all rock. Excellent stuff. Great to put on Billy Volume One: CD American, but it gives you a great flavor and have an enjoyable seventy minutes. A top-notch comp of what I’m assuming of the expanse of how wide and far –Todd (Dionysus) VARIOUS ARTISTS: are recent shenanigans and goings on in hardcore was embraced with virtually Pushing Scandinavian Rock to the rockabilly and psychobilly scenes, no coverage, after the first couple waves VARIOUS ARTISTS: featuring tracks from a bevy of heavy the Man Vol. III: CD of punk had “died.” Constantly under- The Necessary Effect: Rockin’, trashy rock’n’roll from hitters, including, Deke Dickerson, rated and easy-to-not-remember, these James Intveld, Big Sandy, Reverend Screamers Songs Sweatmaster, the Flaming Sideburns, bands whipped out choice cuts. Love On Trial, the Mutants (not the old Frisco Horton Heat, Demented are Go, Frantic Canal, Suburban Decay, No Response, Interpreted: 2xCD Let me begin by saying I hate tribute band), the Burnouts and more. There’s Flintstones, Three Bad Jacks, Os Eat The Rich, Accelerators (NJ, not albums. Nearly all of them serve no pur- more than a slight ‘60s feel to most of Catalepticos, and an amazing song from CA), Disorderly Conduct, Psycho, pose other than to embarrass the record- the tracks (although most of the tracks the Necromantix, to name but a few. Detention, White Flag, Deranged ed legacy and insult the good name of have that overdriven sound popular Nary a bad track to be found here and Diction, Corrupted Service, and the band being paid tribute. Most with the trash rock crowd), with at least plenty to get your hair piled up over. Unexpected all stand the test of time. importantly, they’re a waste of good one band covering a ‘60s tune, “Nobody –Jimmy Alvarado (Hepcat) This is just like finding a favorite tape money that could go toward much more But Me.” On the whole, the tracks are that’s been mulching under your car seat worthy causes, like feeding the home- pretty strong and I can’t quite seem to VARIOUS ARTISTS: for fifteen years. All the tracks do a less, or washing the car. That said, this muster much of a complaint, so I reck- great job of reminding the listener that California Ain’t Fun No More: LP isn’t too shabby a set here: twenty-nine on that means that this ain’t too shabby. hardcore’s not as rigid a genre as many Here’s a compilation album put out by a covers of songs either written or cov- –Jimmy Alvarado (www.badafro.dk) make it out to be. Totally worth the German record label, that has all ered by L.A. legends the Screamers, scratch. –Todd (Borderless Countries California bands. And the funny thing courtesy of Bloodhag, the Cripples, the Tapes, Schizophrenic, Enterruption) VARIOUS ARTISTS: is, I live in California, and these Miss, the Phantom Surfers, Canned The Die Has Been Cast: CD German’s turned me on to some good Hamm and oodles of others. Heck, shit going on in my own backyard. As a VARIOUS ARTISTS: Label samplers like this one for there’s even a couple of tracks here Boxman Records would work best if whole, this is mostly trashy rock’n’roll, Household Name Records done by former Screamers KK Barrett but it’s got the right attitude and a lot of they were interactive, where you could of London: A Punkrock, Hard- and Paul Roessler. The thing that makes go in and delete all the tracks that bore speed to back it up. Some of the high- so many of the covers here work are the lights are songs by The Pinkz, Radio core, Skacore Compilation: CD you or rub you the wrong way. By Screamers themselves. The original ver- nature samplers are – and I’m aware Reelers, The Stupor Stars, and Surprise! It’s crap. Okay, I can think of sions of these songs were often so off Bitchschool. Perhaps best of all is the something nice. The first seventeen sec- that I’m coming perilously close to the wall that they are left open for wide quoting Forrest Gump here – like a box Bobbyteens cover of the Gears’ “Baby onds of the Fig 4.0 is pretty cool. interpretation, ranging from the synth- Runaround.” But really, there’s not a Everything else blows. –Megan Pants of chocolates; you’ve got some poppy driven punk the Screamers pioneered punk mixed in with some hardcore stinker on the whole album. –Sean (Household Name) (Point Line Plane’s version of “Give the Carswell (Alien Snatch) mixed in with some emo, etc. If I was Future a Break”) to the, umm, more able to trim the fat from my Boxman ambient end of the spectrum, (Spider VARIOUS ARTISTS: sampler CD, here are the bands I’d have VARIOUS ARTISTS: Compass Good Crime Band’s take on left: The Front (fast paced with raspy Shielded by Death: Vol 1: Cuts, Vol. 1: CD “Punish or Be Damned”) as well as Distillersish vocals), Big Fat Ass (kind This is one of those rare comps that you Busted at the Lit: CD more “normal” guitar/bass/drums inter- of a heavier Bad Religion), Friendly run into every few years, the kind of The title hints at what’s inside – an pretations (Bloodhag’s “If I Can’t Have Fire (‘77 style punk), Stool Sample album that costs six bucks to buy, and almost Killed by Death-flavored comp., What I Want,” the Phantom Surfers’ (trashy hardcore with vocals that are ends up costing you half of your next but instead of cherry picking obscure “Eva Braun”). As a tribute, the wide like Good Clean Fun meets GG Allin, if paycheck so that you can get releases by bands that released a raging track or two range of styles mined, from new wave you can imagine that), I Give Up (slop- all the bands on the comp. It’s one of then slipped back into oblivion, this to crunchy hardcore punk, is actually py riff-heavy with Accused-like vocals), those comps that gets intentionally comp focuses on original punk rock more complimentary than detrimental, and Torpedo Lucas (a faster, messier stuck in your stereo, and you listen to it from Eastern Connecticut and Western and it all gels rather nicely instead of Social Distortion.) So, bottom line, if so much that, years later, you think of it Massachusetts, 1977-1985. Along with collapsing into a pretentious pile of they wanted more than six dollars for as the soundtrack for a certain period of the other comp. that Dionysus recently bands trying to outdo each other on the this thing, I’d pass. –Aphid Peewit your life. It’s that good. It’s amazing, released, The Bosse Sound, it shows the “cool” meter. At worst, you’ll be getting (Boxman) really. It starts off with a new, unre- quality of compiler’s archival hindsight a very eclectic compilation crossing leased song by the Smut Peddlers, then vision. The fat’s cut off, and what you wide swaths of underground music. VARIOUS ARTISTS: Twenty rips through 18 more great unreleased get is twenty-seven tracks full of ampli- –Jimmy Alvarado (or at least really hard to find otherwise) fied desperation by no-name bands, all (www.extravertigo.com) Years of Dischord: 3 x CD songs. It’s a nice introduction to the of which probably only played poorly Like the bachelorette said to the male Broken Bottles, the Negatives, Beer attended gigs. The irony is obvious. VARIOUS ARTISTS: The stripper, “My goodness, what an attrac- City Rockers, and about a dozen other This is some killer stuff that lays shame tive package.” It’s a three CD set, it’s Philadelphia Sound: CDEP got seventy-three songs, and a 134 page bands that will one day be all of our to crap-on-a-stick like the new Vandals, From the town that brought us spread- favorites. Beyond the music, there are and these songs and bands will probably booklet chock full of one of-a-kind pic- able cheese and a cracked bell, ring out tures. The booklet’s cover has two pic- interesting, paragraph-long stories for continue to slip under the radar, almost four excellent melodic hardcore bands. each individual band. Hell, even the twenty years after the fact. Cools tracks tures of Ian Mac Kaye and Jeff Nelson Due to the fact that the tracks for each (Dischord’s two owners) in the exact cover design is really cool. The only bad by all, but my favorites by The Regular band aren’t in clumps, but round robin, thing about this album is that I think Joes, Foreign Objects, the Pajama Slave pose in the same home office, but twen- it’s safe to say they’re mining similar ty years apart. (Also, if you look really they only pressed a thousand copies, Dancers, and Chronic Disorder. –Todd territory (loud, fast, catchy, crunchy), and once those are gone, the comp will (Dionysus) close, the case box has a ghost image of but what a great place to lay claim. the Dischord logo on it.) I’d be a king be out of print. Do yourself a favor and VARIOUS ARTISTS: The Pretend you were a kid who didn’t let get a copy before they’re all gone. liar if I didn’t go directly to disc three, Bosse Sound: Swedish go of a firecracker and it blew off your which had twenty-one –Sean Carswell (Hostage) fingers. The musical equivalent to that Punk, Hardcore, and New unreleased tracks by 83 such defining, never-to-be-topped-at- Undifinable Blows: CD chance of it sucking. Same thing with space-time continuum in a machine that their-own-game bands as The Teen Two pretty good songs by a rapper sur- going to a random punk show on a left Texas circa 1982 and made a bee- Idles, Minor Threat, Government Issue, rounded by twelve really bad rock and Saturday night – you have a 97 percent line for the new millennium to show Void, Scream, and Faith. It truly is rapcore songs. –Jimmy Alvarado chance that 97 percent of the bands these “new school” pretenders what unbelievable how great this stuff (Undifinable) playing at the club are gonna bite the fuckin’ time it is. Sloppy in all the right sounds, two decades down, and there’s weenie. I like the fact that this is not ways, snotty in all the right places, up to new surprises. I’d never even heard of merely another label sampler disguised its eyeballs in seething attitude, aggres- The Rozzlyn Rangers before, whose VARIOUS ARTISTS: You Call as a comp, but I wish they would’ve siveness that isn’t achieved solely by track is really fun. This disc is not only This Music? Vol. 2: CD focused more on finding more of the playing atone thousand mph and a document of Washington DC’s hard- This is the second installment of a what bands that fall in the “3 percent” LOUD, this, my fine-feathered friends, core roots, but a great checking of the I hope becomes a long series. The folks pigeonhole instead of being content to is one ass-kicking release. Prepare to be national pulse at the time as well. Disc at Geykido Comet seem to have really bank the marketability of this disc on bitch-slapped and love every second of One has material previously released – good taste in music, and, though they suck-ass “name” bands. Sorry, but with it. You’d have to be a complete moron and, unless you’re a total collector kook never comprimise music for politics, a 3 percent success rate, your comp not to pick this up. –Jimmy Alvarado looking for the Minor Threat 7” with the they have a knack for picking political- sucks. –Jimmy Alvarado (Go Kart) ([email protected]) misspelling of Gary Cousins’ name on it ly intelligent band. This particular comp has thirty-five songs on it, and though it – Dischord has been kindly enough to VERBAL ABUSE: Just WEDNESDAY NIGHT keep their entire catalog in print, readi- does go flat in a couple of places, it’s a ly available, and exceedingly fairly good listen all the way through. The an American Band: CD HEROES, THE: No Regrets priced. But, since they’ve been so busy, music is fairly diverse, and there’s a ton Another classic moment in hardcore for Our Youth: 7” EP keeping a constant release schedule, this of great songs on here by bands like the reissued for your listening pleasure. One aspect of music like this (“street is a great way to double check if there Voids, Jack Killed Jill, Pornshot, Spazz, This includes the original album in its punk” or “oi” or “oi/punk” or “punk/oi” aren’t any bands that have slipped under East Arcadia, Toys That Kill, The Devil entirety, plus a bonus live set from a or “oink” or “street oink” or “essential- your radar. I think I’m liking Rites of Is Electric, and so on. Highly recom- show with the Ramones in 1984. Sound ly reminiscent of something that woulda Spring more now than I ever had. At the mended. –Sean Carswell quality of the live stuff is straight off the been on a BYO comp about twenty end of Disc One and into Disc Two, (Geykido Comet) board and there are some unreleased years ago” or something [i don’t know, there’s a shift away from hardcore and tracks in the set list. Buy now or get it’s a young man’s taxonomy these called a clueless poseur by your kids in bands I’m prone to like more, into the VARIOUS ARTISTS: days]) that i feel never really gets more atmospheric, opened up, less the future. –Jimmy Alvarado brought to light is that music “like this” Your Scene Sucks: CD meat-head-attracting sounds Dischord (Beer City) is unfailingly equipped with an implicit Okay, this made me do some math. demand to be given, if nothing else, has been known for for the last several There’s twenty-eight bands on here and, years, with standout tracks from Fugazi, WE MARCH: Life in a points for a certain populist Purity of of those twenty-eight, approximately 3 Intention – yet, historically, the bands Jawbox, The Nation of Ulysses, percent are worth a piss. The remaining Plastic Bubble: CD Autoclave, and Slant Six. A DIY best Hmm…. A punk band that actually making said music have proven them- 97 percent fall in either the emocore, selves to be no more inherently corrup- case scenario. It’s stuff like this that “hardcore” (read that as “metal for bald sounds punk. How novel a concept in makes listening to music so worth this, the era of weepy James Taylor tion-free than the next schmucks. I people”), and popcore genres. Sounds mean, it ain’t like Cock Sparrer (whom while. Someone’s been doing it so right like a pretty accurate breakdown of the clones calling their drivel emo and for so long. That’s inspiring in and of poopy poppunk bands who think fart they cover) were just sitting around a punk thang these days, meaning that I pub or a West Ham game one Saturday itself. –Todd (Dischord) figure if you go out and pick a random jokes and whiny nasal attempts at singing are witty and cutting edge. afternoon, drinking pints of Stella, when release out of a new CD bin at any suddenly, devoid of all exterior influ- VARIOUS ARTISTS: record store, you have a 97 percent These guys sound like they crossed the ence, there was this miraculous promotional materials for Burger King’s this guy. Schizophrenic is an underrated know for sure that BCT has made the serendipity attack where all of ‘em new 99¢ menu. –Rev. Nørb (Longshot label from Canada that people need to original twenty-seven tapes available hopped up in unison, kicked over a fruit Music) check out. He’s been putting out great again. I think you can get them through machine, yelled “I’VE GOT IT! WE’LL stuff for over ten years. Enterruption I Sound Idea mailorder. I commend M-8 BE A BAND!” and dashed down the WEDNESDAY NIGHT have never heard of before. BCT – I do at Ponk 111 for digging out a gem from streets looking for gear to, uh, “nick” – have a story. When I looked at the the past to have attention put on it. I if you go back and listen to those old HEROES: Self-titled: CD insert, I noticed that this came from the know the first press is sold out but a sec- records, it’s pretty obvious that Cock These guys outta Canada play basic classic BCT tape, I Thrash Therefore I ond press is available now. If you are Sparrer were trying to be Slade and/or pogo punk anthems with melodic leads Am. I got that tape from one of my dedicated and want to hear bands from Sweet (glam rock class of ‘73 or so) to and pissed off working class lyrics. many trips to San Diego during the the past, this is a worthy addition to the best of their abilities (at least at While definitely not bad, there wasn’t early ‘80s while staying at Chris BCT’s your collection. times); even Slaughter “Where Have All much that grabbed me. The production house. He was like the punk rock youth –Donofthedead (Ponk-111) the Boot Boys Gone” And The Dogs got on this CD was a bit lacking, which def- hostel. He was hospitable and would initely did them no favors. So so. –Mike their name from cross-breeding David take you around to all the cool punk YESTERDAY’S KIDS: Can’t Bowie’s Diamond Dogs and (late Dunn (Longshot Music) record stores and shows. I forgot about Bowie gtr-ist) Mick Ronson’s Slaughter the tape and the band. The insert also Hear Nothin’: CD on 10th Avenue album titles (which is, WEEDEATER: informs me that the singer Andy Turner Pretty typical poppy stuff here. I would- of course, absolutely fine – i’m a big was a later singer for the once great UK n’t be surprised if they were signed by a Sixteen Tons: CD major soon. Most of it sounded like a Sweet and Slade fan and i barely even Apparently, the atomic clock in some band, the Instigators. I did not like his hate David Bowie any more) and i don’t contribution to the band. The Instigators cross between Mathew Sweet and the people’s world is forever stuck on 4:20. theme song to Friends. I thought it had think we even need bother touching on Is the wave after wave after wave of were great during the period of the how bands like the UK Subs, Anti- Cleanse the Bacteria comp and the LP promise with a song called You Can’t stoner bands another of bin Laden’s Fake Being Chinese. It’s true, I guess, Nowhere League, Cockney Rejects and treacherous terrorist ploys like the Nobody Listens Anymore. Back to this Blitz were all-too-ready to dress up (and band. Since it was erased from my but I can’t fake liking this either. clouds of West Nile mosquitoes he sent –Megan Pants (Panic Button) sound) like Adam & the Ants or U2 or rolling across our country this past sum- memory bank, I feel like I am listening Loverboy when the fickle farts of public mer? I mean, fuck: how much obstruct- to it for the first time. This was Andy taste starting blowing downwind again. ed-bowel bong music can a person lis- Turner’s earlier band which was a faster My point – which i guess now that i ten to? Just like all the other stoner UK sound that has that truly live feel to think about it is a little more obvious bands stamped out of the same giant the recording. Like many bands of that than i initially thought it was – is that cake of brontosaurus excrement, period (1983 or 1984), the music is not music “like this” is just as rife with con- Weedeater’s music oozes like an over- fluffed up like many of the bands of tamination and corruption potential as, i turned cement truck full of pus. You and today. No big production, just music. dunno, music “like that.” Case in point: Frank Kozik might like that, but I’ve The music is there for how you want to Side one, track one is called “Music for been bored with it since Man’s Ruin interpret it. It still has that energy of the People” (as opposed to WHAT? started cranking out little bastard something new like when I heard a new Music for the end table?). First line of Sabbath babies like Ding-Dongs off the international band back then. They first song is, of course, “This is the Hostess conveyor belt a few years back. made music for themselves and it was music for the people! This is the music These bud-worshipping rednecks have made available to the world by BCT. If for the people!” (and, heck, while i’m simply had a few too many pans of hash my aging brain remembers correctly, I up, i’d like to thank Wednesday Night brownies and a few too many hours think the original comp has been Heroes, The, for taking the time to staring and giggling at their own turds repressed on CD by Schizophrenic and I speak for all humanity! Keep up the floating in the toilet. It still seems funny good work!) This, of course, implies to me that a so-called “mind -expand- that this music is PURE! INCORRUPT- ing” drug can beget such plodding, one- IBLE!! NEVER TO BE CO-OPTED dimensional hippo music. Stoner-metal FOR THE SERVICE OF THE MAN!!! zen koan: what’s the sound of a water- (note: “The Man” is different than “The headed Tony Iommi in a wheelchair? People.” I don’t know why. Like i said, –Aphid Peewit (Berserker) it’s a young man’s taxonomy) Yet, if you listen to the break right after the WIFEBEATERS: chorus, where the guy just kinda repeats “What you put us through!”, hear that The Child Mulletstation: 7” EP little rhythm change thing? Yeah, that. I’ve heard armless deaf kids with more That’s not a punk rock thing. Nor an oi talent. –Jimmy Alvarado (no address) thing. Nor an (etc. etc.) thing. That is not and has never been found in any XENAKIS, IANNIS: valid subset of the punk rock, uh, taxon- Persepolis Plus Remixes, omy (?) whatsoever. That’s a ‘90s alter- na-rock Gen X Mountain Dew® com- Vol. 1: 2X CD mercial thing, sure as i’m settin’ here, The original 1971 piece here, pal. IMPURE! UNCLEAN!! TAINT “Persepolis,” reminds me of nothing so OF CORRUPTION!!! I don’t really much as Throbbing Gristle’s “2nd have a problem with kids trying to re- Annual Report”: underlying drones and create the rush they got when they saw creepy shimmers are visited by swoop- the Dropkick Murphys at the Warped™ ing horror-movie strings (? – sounds Tour (or whoever at whatever) when like strings, anyway). It’s an hour long they were fifteen, but ultimately i kinda and if this is the kind of noise you like, just wanted them to go be young some- you’ll like this noise very much. Disc 2 where else. That said, let the record has nine “remixes,” some of which show that you actually COULD plug retain the understated eeriness of the “Music for the People” onto either side original and others of which, like of the “Someone Got Their Head Merzbow’s, tear it apart into unrecog- Kicked In” comp and there really nizable exercises in harshness. –Cuss wouldn’t be any noticeable drop-off in Baxter (Asphodel LTD) quality, which is, realistically, about as good as one could hope for. BEST XPOZEZ: Democrazy: 7” SONG: The Cock Sparrer cover on the I got this release and was unsure who 45 RPM side on 33, although i can’t say this band was. I saw on the back of the as i tried the 33 RPM side on 45 yet. cover that it was a joint release of Ponk- WORST SONG TITLE: “Persevere” 111 (who sent this to me), BCT, FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA Schizophrenic and Enterruption. Ponk- FACT: The font used for the lyrics is 111 runs a cool little website and is a called “Device,” and it is currently one true lover of old school punk. My broth- of the fonts being used for the in-store er and I have taped a bunch of stuff for C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the eitherlast two in months. this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com

• 1-2-3-4 Go!, 420 Wall St #206, Seattle, • Global Symphonic, 7624 Sussex Ave., • Robotic Empire, 12001 Aintree WA 98121 Burnaby, BC V5L 3V8, Canada; Lane, Reston, VA 20191 • 625, PO Box 423413, SF, CA 94142-3413 • Rockin’ House, PO Box 12705, Reading, • 702, PO Box 204, Reno, NV 89504 • Go Kart, PO Box 20 Prince Street Station, PA 19612-2705 • Acme, PO Box 441, Dracut, MA 01826; NY, NY 10012 • Rugger Bugger, PO Box 357, London, • Gravity, PO Box 81332, San Diego, SE19 1AD, UK • Alien Snatch, Morkiweg 1, 74199 CA 92138 • Schizophrenic, 50 Fielding, Cres. Hamilton, Untergruppenbach, Germany; • Hanging Like A Hex c/o Ryan Canavan, Ontario, Canada, L8V 2P5; 201 Maple Lane, N. Syracuse, NY 13212 • Scissor Press, • Alternative Tentacles, PO Box 419092, • Hater of God, PO Box 666, Troy, • Screwdrivers, The, PO Box 135, Enfield, SF, CA 94141-9092 NY 12181-666 CT 06083 • American Pig, 548 Broderick, SF, CA 94117 • Hellcat, 2798 Sunset Blvd., LA, CA 90026 • Shredder, PO Box 2271, San Rafael, • Angry, c/o Fulvio Dogliotti, c.p. 280 15100 • Hepcat, PO Box 1108, Orange, CA 92856 CA 94912 Alessandria, Italy • High Fidelity, PO Box 1071, Grover Beach, • Six Gun Lover, 3203 Overcup Oak, • Asphodel LTD, 763 Brannan St., SF, CA 93483; Austin, TX 78704 CA 94103; • Honest Don’s, PO Box 192027, SF, • Skull, 3770 Vinton Ave. 23, LA, CA 90034 • BD, PO Box 860, NY, NY 10268-0860; CA 94119 • Slidepiece: • Hopeless, PO Box 7495, Van Nuys, • Smog Veil, 316 California Avenue, • Beer City, PO Box 26035, Milwaukee, CA 91409-7495 #207, Reno, NV 89509 WI 53226-0035 • Hostage, PO Box 7736, Huntington Beach, • Snuffy Smile, 4-1-16-201 daita, • Berserker, 10592 E. Greenbury Way, CA 92615-7736; setagaya-ku, Tokyo, Japan Clovis, CA 93611 • Household Name; • Soul Is Cheap c/o Zach Payne, • Bockhorn, PO Box 10238, Beverly Hills, PO Box 11552, Memphis, TN 38111 CA 90213 • Hyperrealist, PO Box 9313, Savannah, • Sound Pollution, PO Box 17742, • Borderless Countries Tapes, PO Box 16205, GA 31412; Covington, KY 41017 San Diego, CA 92116; • Iodine, 1085 Commonwealth Avenue, • Sounds of Subterrania, PO Box 102662 • Boss Tuneage, PO Box 74, PMB 318, Boston, MA 02215 , Kassel, Germany Sandy, Bedfordshire, SG19 2WB, UK • Kill Rock Stars, 120 NE State Avenue #418, • Southern, PO Box 577375, Chicago, • Boxman, 3473 N. Bremen St., Olympia WA 98501 (www.killrockstars.com) IL 60657; < www.southern.com> Milwaukee, WI 53212 • Koncurrent, PO Box 14598, • Star Time, PO Box 43091, Tucson, • Bridge Nine, PO Box 990052, 1001 LB Amsterdam, NL AZ 85733 Boston, MA 02199-0052 • Kozmik, PO Box 27663, LA, CA 90027 • Stardumb, PO Box 21145 , 3001 AC • Bryan Dunaway, 1357 Macton Rd., • Laughing Outlaw, PO Box A2320 Sydney Rotterdam, The Netherlands; Street, Maryland 21154 South, NSW 1235, Australia • Captain Oi!, PO Box 501, High Wycombe, • Longshot Music, 726 Richards St., • Steel Cage, PO Box 29247, Philadelphia, Bucks, HP10 8QA, Enland; Vancouver BC V6B 3A4, Canada; PA 19125 • Step-1 Music, PO Box 21, Tenterden, • Cheetahs, PO Box 4442, Berkeley, CA 94704 • Lookout, 3264 Adeline St., Berkeley, Kent TN30 7ZZ, UK • Chunksaah, PO Box 974, New Brunswick, NJ CA 94703 • Submit, 4423 Lehigh Rd., College Park, 08903; • Low Impact, PO Box 475, 701 49, MD 20740-3127 • Dangling Fury, PO Box 5432, Atlanta, Orebro, Sweden • Subpop, PO Box 20645, Seattle, WA 980102; GA, 31107 • Mad At The World, PO Box 20227, • Dead Mic, PO Box 19537, Austin, TX 78760 Tompkins Square Station, NY, NY 10009 • Substandard, PO Box 310, Berkeley, • Derailleur, PO Box 10276, Columbus, • Microcosm, PO Box 14332, Portland, CA 94701 OH 43201 OR 97293 • Super Secret, PO Box 1585, Austin, • Dionysus, PO Box 1975, Burbank, • Midnight Creeps, PO Box 344, TX 78767 CA 91507; Mansfield, MA 02048-0344 • Thorp, PO Box 2007 Upper Darby, • Dirtnap, PO Box 21249, Seattle, WA 98111 • Molasses Manifesto, 505 32nd St. PA 19082; • Dischord, 3819 Beecher St. NW, Washington #107, Bellingham, WA 98225 • TKO, 3216 W. Cary St. #303, Richmond, DC 20007-1802 • Myopic, 8 Ridgewood Pl., Bridgeport, VA 23221; • Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, Alta Loma, CA CT 06606 • Traffic Violation, PO Box 772 East Serauket, 91701 • No Idea, PO Box 14636, Gainesville, NY 11733; • Dr. Wu, 1629 Landa St., LA, CA 90026 FL 32604; • Trick Knee, PO Box 12714, Green Bay, • Empty, PO Box 12034, Seattle, WA 98102 • Not Bad, PO Box 2014, Arvada, CO 80001 WI 54307 • Enterruption, PO Box 884626, SF, • Pandacide, PO Box 2774, Petaluma, • Indefinable, 6201-A Shanda Drive, CA 94188-4626; CA 94952 Raleigh, NC 27609-3354 • Failed Experiment, 5420 S. Bishop St., • Poisoned Candy, PO Box 9263, Missoula, • Usinade Sangue, Box 155, CEP: 09910-970, Chicago, IL 60609; MT 59807; Diodema, San Paolo, Brazil • Ponk-111, PO Box 4664, Walnut Creek, • Villain, PO Box 82172, Las Vegas, • Fat, PO Box 193690, SF, CA 94119 CA 94596 NV 89180-2172 • Fearless, 13772 Goldenwest St. #545, • Prids, The; • Vinyl Warning, PO Box 2991, Portland, Westminster, CA 92683 • Radio, PO Box 1452, Sonoma, CA 95476 OR 97208-2991 • Formula 13, PO Box 7385 Tempe, • Rapid Pulse, PO Box 5075, Milford, • Wet Tail, PO Box 1955, Richmond, AZ 85281; CT 06460 VA 23218-1955 • Freedumb Recordz, 101 Pl Charles-Lemoyne • Reckless Bastards, 1011 Boren Ave. #114, • What Else, PO Box 1211, Columbus, Box 717, Longueuil, Quebec J4K 2T3 Canada; Seattle, WA 98104 OH 47202 • Revelation, PO Box 5232 • X, 2484 Hammer Ave., Norco, CA 92860 • Frontier, PO Box 22, Sun Valley, CA 91353 Huntington Beach, CA 92615-5232; • Yo-Yo, Bergstrasse 24, 74670 Sindringen, • Get Hip, Columbus & Preble Aves., Germany; Pittsburgh, PA 15233 • Revenge, 5835 Harold Way #203, • Geykido Comet, PO Box 3743, Laguna Hills, Hollywood, CA 90028 CA 92654; • Rise, PO Box 135, Roseburg, OR 97470;

something. And the first thing you find out by Matt Cook, 96 pgs. is that very few people actually want to help One time when I was in India, I hiked to out in any way at all. It’s a tough realiza- the tallest mountain I could find and camped tion. But there’s hope. There’s Get the Word out under the full moon. In the middle of the Out by Jeffrey Yamaguchi. It’s basically a night, giant monkeys that wanted my food book that explains how you can promote an attacked me, and I had to fend them off with a independent project. coconut-machete. Although I doubt most of Get the Word Out starts off with a few you have any sort of sympathetic response to pages of inspiration: stories that make you my experience, at least some of you might want to create something and unleash it. think it’s interesting. Matt Cook’s collection of Then, Yamaguchi gives you a detailed, 27- poetry, in the small of my backyard, is full of point plan that explains various ways in poems that tell stories with the same effect. which you can promote your independent Cook’s style is very narrative and easy to project. It was funny for me to read this 27- read. He is not full of artistic pretense and point plan because, as you may or may not seems to craft the language of his work specif- know, I’m always ass-deep in independent ically to the “market” of generations X and Y projects. I’m the co-publisher of Razorcake (his poem “Picabo Sreet,” which does not and I publish books through Gorsky Press, appear in this book, was actually used in a Nike so I’m always eager to find more ways to commercial). Full of humor, non-sequiturs, and promote this zine and the books. As I read irony, it is no wonder that his work has through Yamaguchi’s 27-point plan, I real- appeared in anthologies and documentaries on ized that I’d tried everything that he sug- Slam poetry, as well as on the stage of gests. And, in my experience, those really Lollapalooza. Although almost all of them are are the best 27 ways to promote your stuff. entertaining in and of themselves – even if just I just wish that I’d had this book and these for their “randomness” – as a collection they ideas when I started putting out zines, fall a little flat. instead of having to figure all this shit out The book is broken up into four sections for myself through a long and costly that seem to be organized thematically. The process of trial and error. So really, this part first is about childhood, the second is about of the book is invaluable for any zinester, American history, the third is about Milwaukee indie publisher, indie record label, indie (Cook’s hometown), and the fourth seems to be band, indie photographer, etc. an assortment of anecdotes from his adult life. After detailing all the promotional It is especially in the third and fourth section, ideas, Yamaguchi attacks corporations for when Cook begins to distance himself from the their wasteful and singular mentality – poems’ subject matter, that the book really Get the Word Out which may seem like straying from the point of loses its momentum. The poems are witty and by Jeffrey Yamaguchi, 70 pgs. the book, but if you’re going to go through all strange, but because they seem to hold no rele- Jeffrey Yamaguchi edited and wrote for the the trouble of producing something indepen- vance for either the author or the reader, they zine Working for the Man, which basically was a dently, it’s good to know what you’re up become repetitive and uninteresting. collection of stories that found the humor in the against and why you’re battling the status quo. It is in the first section that Cook really ridiculous, soul-sucking corporate workplace. Then, Yamaguchi gives advice on how to shines. Many of these poems are about his fam- After putting out a few issues of the zine, live inexpensively. This is something that ily and his experiences as a young boy. Yamaguchi took the best of those stories and com- everyone should learn to do. We’d be so much Although they are still very funny, a darker, piled them into a hilarious book called Working more relaxed as a society if we all worked less, more painful side begins to manifest over the for the Man: Stories from behind the Cubicle spent less, ate more toast or rice or potatoes, span of their content. One gets the feeling that Wall. Yamaguchi then started Stroboscope and spent the rest of our time doing things we these are all very autobiographical, and that Productions, published his book, and started on a love to do. Yamaguchi follows this section with shows up in how shrewdly Cook dissects the series of adventures in promoting the fruits of his stories on how he produced his zine and book. details surrounding events that otherwise get DIY labor. He established a series of web pages He also gives a convincing argument about taken for granted in our day-to-day lives. dedicated to DIY books and indie culture, he why college students have the easiest path into All of the poems in in the small of my back- wrote articles on it for various different zines, the indie community, and he follows all of this yard are witty, and almost compulsively read- magazines, and ezines, and he did everything he up with a series of interviews with various peo- able, but few of them resonate with me in any could to let the world know that he published a ple who’ve had success by doing it themselves. personal way. It is only when Cook seems to be book. He learned the hard way that the toughest All in all, this is a very worthwhile read. I revealing things about himself – his personal thing about doing it yourself is the promotional find myself agreeing with most of what he life, or even just how he thinks – that I am aspect of it. Everything seems to be stacked says. I do get a little bothered when he talks drawn in, and unfortunately, there are about against the DIY culture when it comes to letting about using, say, a self-published book as a fifty pages of poetry in this book that don’t do people know that you’ve released a book, a zine, way to get an agent or into a big publishing that. Although it might not be cover-to-cover a CD, etc. But Yamaguchi fought that uphill bat- house, because this kind of act is antithetical to reading, I imagine this book would be quite at tle and, surprisingly, the battle is making him the book. I don’t like the idea of using the DIY home on top of a coffee table or toilet, where more optimistic and enthusiastic. community as a stepping stone into the corpo- passersby could pick it up at random and get If you’ve ever started a zine, put out an rate world. The DIY community should be the their fix of ironic humor for the day. –Janaka album, published a book, or otherwise unleashed stone you throw through the window of the Stucky (Manic D Press, PO Box 410804, SF, some creative project on the world, you know that corporate world. Also, one caveat that I think CA 94141, ) the toughest obstacle is the last one. You can write this book forgets to point out is this: start out the zine or book yourself, or record the songs, or small. Don’t release a book until you’ve done a Sister of the Road: The Autobiography of whatever, and you can figure out how to create few zines. Don’t release an album before Boxcar Bertha and manufacture your product, and you can actu- releasing a seven inch or EP. Take time to make By Ben Reitman, 205 pgs. ally come up with the money or the scheme to your mistakes on a small scale first. It’s a lot Megan Pants tracked this book down at the produce your product. And you can do all of that less disheartening and costly. Other than that, Los Angeles Central Library, which houses essentially on your own. You control your own though, Get the Word Out is a really useful more than 2.1 million books. In the entire Los destiny there. But once you’ve made the zine or guidebook, and it’s very recommended. –Sean Angeles public system – connected to sixty- the book or the album or whatever, you have to Carswell (Stroboscope Productions, PO Box seven branches and serving the largest popula- rely on others (other zines, magazines, newspa- 20403, Brooklyn, NY 11202) tion of any library in the United States – there pers, web sites, venues, etc.) to help you let the was only one copy. The book was the first world know that you’ve done 94 In the Small of My Backyard printing from the 1930s. It was beat to shit, many of the pages were torn, and its spine was thrashed. It seemed, quite literally, when we both read it, like a first-hand account of history was slipping through our fingers. It made me really think. Here was this tiny book, written about a strong woman who unrepentantly lived by her rules her entire life. It’s an invaluable first-hand account of the ‘20s and ‘30s by a non-wealthy woman. Yet, conversely, a modern “historian,” Stephen Ambrose, a guy who uses a bunch of research hacks and has been caught, on many occasions, recounting historical inaccuracies, has 111 books readily available in the library sys- tem. That’s a telling barometer of what’s now widely endorsed as history, as some- thing important to remember from the past. I was stoked when I learned that AK Between Resistance and Community: musicians.” They rationalize signing to a label Press reprinted it and made it available The Long Island Do-It-Yourself Punk Scene: with connections to majors by stating that their once again. Essentially, Sister of the Road VHS, 44 minutes. parents didn’t give them thousands of dollars to is the tale of Boxcar Bertha, told by her, This video is put together extremely well. The tour on, which, they imply, other bands in the through Ben Reitman. What’s startling shots are clean and the editing is spot-on. It’s not video can fall back on if the going gets tough. about the book is how centered, strong, jerky or indecipherable, the lighting’s really well Karma gets them by burning their van to the and defiant Bertha is throughout. done. These elements put it in a rare class of ground mid-tour. Again, the gray area. Whatever Gratefully, she isn’t apologetic about any- down-home punk videos. As the title suggests, it happened to working really hard at shitass temp thing. What’s furthermore refreshing is covers a slew of young bands, centering on a cou- jobs, saving your own money, touring for a month, that she’s compassionate. She’s undeni- ple of houses with basements in the Long Island and slowly making a fan base? These four things ably human. She feels. Although what she area. Its heart is definitely in the right place: the together are never brought up and makes the did is still, seventy years down the road, power of low cost shows, establishing a haven for video appear terribly short-sighted. Everything widely considered amoral, the book reads touring bands, and a pervasive sense that although seems so immediate or unobtainable. Why does it extremely even-handed; loving, even. She the music is the catalyst, punk rock is more than a have to be an almost head-in-the-sand approach never tries to shock the reader or pass musical genre, but a healthy way to approach life. with a fragile nucleus and great intentions or giv- judgement on anybody else. It’s all matter That said, and I don’t want to be too disparag- ing it all up to The Man the first time some of fact. It’s almost impossible not to like ing, but due to the age and dogmatism of most of money’s flashed? I’m much more interested in the her. the participants, I could see the impending failures long haul. I’m much more interested in the gray So much is in this book. Bertha tells and unravelings of the whole enterprise from the area where every one of us – in one degree or tales about jumping into trains criss-cross- first five minutes. It’s plays like a punk rock do- another – has to pragmatically live. –Todd (Traffic ing the United States, becoming a prosti- gooder Spinal Tap. Almost everyone involved Violation, Box 772, East Setauket, NY 11733; tute (and estimating sleeping with 15,000 kept saying, in effect, “dominant consumerist cul- and Walklor men), having a lover cut in half by train ture bad,” “our culture good.” “If you’re not with Productions, 64 Pleasant St., Huntington, NY wheels, of being in prison, of starting up us, you’re against us.” (Which comes up when 11743; ) or vastly improving social programs for one of their tight-knit kinship bands signs to vagrant women, of her numerous love Revelation Records.) Although rebellion is a good Electric Frankenstein: Camden Underworld, affairs (her first was with her mother’s way to start your day, and I still ascribe being London - 17 December 2000: DVD lover), of her problem with people who against popular culture, they totally miss a five There are two main things i find interesting lived solely as thieves (they were hard to lane freeway of gray area that exists between about Electric Frankenstein: #1 is that, for a time, love and always suspicious), of her brush- being a malled and branded dumbass and espous- they reportedly had the late Rik L Rik in the fold es with anarchists who were convicted of ing a punk version of a far away utopia. – my generation’s Iggy Pop for the ten minutes or poisoning rich people, and of her interest Here are my questions to bands and scenesters so that my generation had an Iggy Pop. #2 is that in social statistics. It sounds wild when who say all consumer culture is bad. Did any of people find things interesting about Electric compressed, but when I read it, her voice you make your own guitars, own amps, have a Frankenstein other than #1. I mean, i got nothin’ was commanding – almost soothing – and water wheel that made your electricity, or refine against ‘em, other than the fact that i truly fail to her reasoning was solid. A free, non- your own crude oil for gasoline to tour on? No. see how a band can play for like two hours and regretful spirit was the lasting impression. Dominant culture did. Did you make the ketchup never once do anything to grab my attention. It I was amazed to see that a big director you’re using in the diner you’re sitting in, dis- boggles the mind! Their material seems like it’s made a movie “based on the book.” cussing the ramifications of parking lot kickball just created by some software program where you Again, Megan got it at the library. It was games? No. What no one in the entire video seems punch in a bunch of clichés and it churns out new complete ass. They made Bertha the to realize is that, no matter what you do, yes, you clichés, just not as exciting or interesting as the leader of a ruthless gang, made the boxcar still live in a capitalist society, and yes, you have original ones (i think the Black Halos run the her shagging boudoir, and there’s a lot of to make concessions, but you don’t have to give in same program). This band simply does not con- guns. Figures, but it makes me think some fully to it nor can you fully escape it. You can still nect with me. Watching and/or listening to them is more – why is it so hard, or threatening, to live and carve out a life for yourself that doesn’t like eating air, or drinking tap water. I guess i locate and glorify such a stellar, strong entail fucking over other people. But, to act like don’t really have anything else to say, although female voice that looks at humanity (not you’re completely separated from the dominant here is my description of the first few minutes: A just gender) as a whole? This book is awe- culture by being fortunate enough to have tolerant bunch of chunky dudes with bad haircuts come some. I wish everyone could read it. If it parents who make food and have a basement free out on stage. They play a song that uses Black was taught in high school, I’d bet more to music is pretty blind, or naïve, but most likely Flag’s “Nervous Breakdown” riff, but tack on people would be interested in history coming from people who haven’t been repeatedly extra filler to said riff to diffuse its impact and ren- because many of issues that Bertha talks hit in the mouth – financially or literally – for der the song suitably ineffective. The crowd slams about haven’t been played out, even years on end. around. The song eventually ends. The singer today. –Todd (AK Press, 674 A 23rd On the other end of the video’s spectrum is a bitches about the monitors. They start another St., Oakland, CA 94612-1163) band who used the New York DIY scene as a step- song. The lead guitar player plays some riffs kind ping stone for “more exposure” and to “live as of like what Cheetah Chrome would do, but less involved and interesting. The crowd slams The Recess Video: VHS demons and Mike Watt, and knows the limits around some more. The song eventually ends. If you’re not the least bit in tune to what of its special effects and uses them well. The singer bitches about the monitors, and tells Recess – one of the most stand up DIY labels Besides those four things, the tape as a whole the crowd how the band doesn’t have much time in Southern California – has to offer, this’ll be is pretty crazy: a bum intimidating some to play (this is an eighteen song DVD). They a good introductory kick to the nuts. If the fol- Hasidic Jews, a guy in a monkey suit smashing start another song. This time the guitar player lowing appeals to you, this’ll be a keeper. #1.) bus stop glass as another guy’s pooing in it, a uses a Budweiser bottle (note: in England, the Dick. If you like seeing schlongs being pulled kid on the aforementioned trampoline with an Budweiser is 5.0% alcohol; it’s really quite and flopped around at many speeds, trajecto- open knife, and a lot of self-abuse, but in a good) as a slide, which i usually enjoy, but he ries, and angles, there’s plenty of dick. There’s good way. If you’re spastic, dirty, or like doesn’t really do anything cool with it like also a little puss (and skidded panties) and a lit- watching squirrels attack, I recommend this when i saw Andy Scott of Sweet do it. He just tle tit (made bigger: a post-op Jag Off). #2.) tape. –Todd (Recess, PO Box 1666, San Pedro, kind of slides it down the neck like you’re sup- Skating. If you like sloppy-ass hard falls and CA 90733; ) posed to do with a mike stand. The crowd slams hard tricks made greasy, sleazy, and easy, around some. The song eventually ends. Iterate there’s some choice trampoline-to-mini ramp Secret Weapons of Kung Fu: 18 Music the operation. BEST SONG: jeez, that would be and head-to-bottom-of-pool action. #3.) Videos from Kung Fu Records: DVD like choosing between a favorite bowel move- Drunks. Interlace drug use, too. Drunks Wow, it’d be hard for this to be any worse, ment, but the best DRESSED is the rhythm gui- encouraging Warped Tour kidlets to punch one even if this came with a fresh, curled turd on tar player: He has one of those lightning bolt another. Drunks who light fireworks and tack- the DVD. This is exactly what I hate, in a clear guitar straps from the olden days, which is cool le one another into fires. Drunks are often way digital format. Craptacular, girl-wanting, enough, and he’s also wearing a shirt with a more funny on video because you don’t have to pussy-ass bands. As a collection, it comes huge Frankenstein head on it. Get it? Lightning deal with their puke in your hair and shoes. across like the Eagles trying to be punk. That bolt + Frankenstein = Electric Frankenstein??? #4.) Music. Maybe I should have put this first. seems to be the cornerstone of this. It’s like That actually IS cool. The rhythm guitar play- Dwarves, the “you’re so fucking sued video” watching musical date rape after date rape by er’s rock garb is my official #3 interesting thing of the Barfeeders (which has puppets puking squeaky clean dudes with either a.) spiky hair about Electric Frankenstein! Other puds in band on and fighting Muppets), Civic Minded Five, or b.) shiny shirts or c.) “wacky antics.” The take note!!! BEST SONG TITLE: I dunno, i Grumpies, Berzerk, and Four Letter Words all videos are boring. Most are lip synched and in think they all kind of suck, but “Speed Girl” and make the grade. My only head scratcher – as a controlled environment. The songs are hard “Action High” suck the least. FANTASTIC in, is it a joke? – is the Beatnik Termites who to listen to and hard to separate from one AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: As indicated else- look sooo frooty, like they’re really trying to another. It feels so hugely “test marketed” and where in this issue, the Camden Underworld is make a video, shakin’ their hair and leather to be “hitting the target audience.” I guess the the only place i’ve ever been to in London, and booty in front of a white screen. Therein lies only positive thing I can say is that I now know the fact that this DVD was shot there just serves the charm with the tape as a whole. The rest of what the Ataris look like so I can point and to underscore my theory that the Camden the project is raw and shot well, but they’re so laugh at them if they ever drink next to me. No Underworld IS the only place in London, and far away from being glossy or “pro.” On that kung fu footage, either. What fucks. –Todd that everything else is just a myth to scare off tip, Toys That Kill’s “Catholic Damage” is my (Kunk Fu, PO Box 38009, Hollywood, CA the French! –Rev Nørb (Punkervision) favorite of the lot. Sure, it’s low-tech, but it fol- 90038) lows the story line of the song, interlaces