University of California, San Diego Franchise Volume 57, Issue 2 June 1, 2001 “Haters Can’t Touch.” SPECIAL SUNGOD PORNSTAR ISSUE

WHAT’S INSIDE: Person of the Year 2001 • Lists • More Pictures of Drunken UCSD Students pretending to Be Pornstars At SunGod • The Real Sloshball Coverage • Enlightenment • Forgotten Pleasures 4 • The Inside Track On What’s Up At State • Human Vomit • Why Kids and Wal-Mart Suck June 1, 2001 The UCSD Koala Page 2 Ah, Memories... Your Letters To The By Ethan Editor Hello, my name is Patrick and I Although we do not print over the am in London at the moment. I am summer, please stop by when you coming to San Diego as part of an make it to San Diego and let us know exchange program in the Fall of how it went. Good luck and Bon September 2001, and somehow Voyage. came across your publication by accident looking for housing Dear Editor, application forms. Lured in by the Your paper is the butt- picture of a koala faced neptune munchingest paper in the whole surrounded by sea-nymphs, it was universe. You are a boogerhead all good from the get-go. Which and your momma is fat. led me to the part where you said The Preuss kids in 107. you needed writers. I figure I fit at P.S. Keep putting those stacks least two of the categories, if not outside the school. three; I can sort of speak English, I think smoking is the coolest thing Dear Preuss Kids- since Joe Camel and I still listen to Shoudn’t you be spending your time the Dead Kennedies (who ever cramming vocabulary words in the stopped?). And I have a nice idea hopes of getting a high enough SAT for a writing peice, to boot: I am score to get into UCSD? Back to coming to America (like the work! movie) in July and making my way from New York to San Diego Dearest Koala, mostly by way of accidents and I just wanted to drop you guys a adventures in the form of hitch- line and thank you for the hiking and escaping murder. It wonderful time we had on Sun would be a pleasure to send you God. Before Friday, I thought I the more exciting parts of this trip only had three inputs of love, but by email in installment forms (that thanks to the creativity of UCSD is, if you run the paper over the students, I found three more and Ah, here it is at last: my final On the other hand, there are summer), or afterwards. Either engaged in my first act of issue of The Koala. That’s right: many things that I won’t miss. way, I would reckon that bestiality. I’m not even afraid of I’m graduating, and this is the end Things like being asked “So, like, something useful would come out donkeys anymore, not since I had of my long-standing tenure as you guys, like, REALLY write, of it, and if you would like to print The King! And to UCSD, hugs Head Editor. There’s so much I’ll like, the, like, the personals, like, it, that would be nice. Either way, I and kisses and buttsex. Thanks, miss; the one-handed shirtless right?” on an almost hourly basis. look forward to seeing more of the again, for everything. kegstands on the Gaurdian Or enduring the half-cocked Koala when I get to California. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Editor’s desk, the high-fives from opinions of schmucks who’ve Regards, Debbie drunken freshmen at parties, the never written a funny sentence in Patrick Alexander P.S. (Ethan, you were the biggest.) late-night tunnel missions, the their short, sheltered lives: “Dude, almost palpable hostility from the the Koala was totally funny back Dear Patrick- Dear Debbie- administration, the time we when I was a freshman. Now it’s We here at The Koala look forward to Thank you for your enthusiasm in bought 500 expired beers for $20 fuckin’ lame. Their jokes are, like, hearing of your American exploits. helping out at our SunGod booth. and stashed them in the office... totally dumb or some shit. Not And then, of course, there’s the like me. I’m, like, a very simple satisfaction of walking sophisticated individual with around campus after a new issue refined, subtle tastes or some comes out and overhearing kids shit.” So I’d just like to take the repeating my jokes to one another. time to say this in print while I STAFF And who could forget the time still have the chance: spent backstage with The Booty TO EVERYONE WHO Ketel One Boys and Sir Mix-A-Lot? Or the DOESN’T LIKE THE KOALA: Ethan Duni joy of the first time I drove the A.S. cart through Peterson hall FUCK YOU ALL. Stolichnaya during distribution? Indeed, it’s George Liddle been a wild few years and I’d like to see just one of you afforded me many unique shitheads publish a paper half as funny as The Koala. Grey Goose opportunities, such as the chance Kerry to work with new and interesting Also, I’d like to welcome the people, to lighten the day of the new editor, George Liddle. You may remember him as “That Absolut average student, and to be called a Sky Frostenson, Dustin Gebhardt, Robert Lanuza, Tom XXX, pornographer in print by the Fucking Solar Fan-Hat Guy” from provost of . a few years back. And I’m out. Shana Shmirnoff Erik Kapernick, Matt Agosta, Boyce Collins, Fritz Leader, Senator Blackwood, Daniel Quistorff Table of Contents Aristocrat Tulley Rafferty

Cover...... Cover The Koala Table of Contents...... page 2 http://www.thekoala.org Lispy Lists...... page 3 Student Center 211.4 Mailbox C-17, UCSD Amateur Pornout Tryout Photos...... pages5-7 , CA 92093 Can you believe all of these people actually (858) 534-4216 [email protected] touched our doll? After what Robert did to her in the trashcan? Gross. Disclaimer: “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of The Koala and our members. While the publisher of this publication is recognized as a campus student organization Gaurdian vs. Koala Sloshball 2001...... page 4 at the University of California, San Diego, the views expressed in its publication do not represent those of ASUCSD, the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. Each Why Kids Suck...... page 8 publication bears the full legal responsibility for its content.” [sic] Person Of The Year 2001...... page 9 Copyright ©2001 Forgotten Pleasures IV...... page 10 All rights reserved. State Says, UC Says...... page 11 “I think you run a fine paper.” June 1, 2001 Enoy Koala Classic Page 3

Top Five All New Shitty Ways to Die: 4. San Diego and Tijuana 1. Drinking a bottle of oven cleaner, and 5. Dick and Bush LISTS pissing on a fire. 2. Getting hit by a bolt of lightning while Top Five Advantages of Being Christian: Top Five Camping Pornos: watching your parents have freaky sex. 1. Getting to slap both cheeks of that ass. 1. Weiner Roast IV: Footlongs in Hot Buns 3. You are about to climax for the first time 2. Eternal Constipation. 2. Outback Adventures VII: Exploring while losing your virginity and his/her 3. You get a head start in Humanities Deep, Moist Caves parents bust in, which forces you to hold in 4. Immunity to poisonous serpants. 3. Pitching a Tent in the Bush the orgasm. This causes a bio-electric- 5. Dominion over Evil 4. Stroking the Fire feedback-overload that fries the neurons in 5. The Boy Scouts of America Handbook your brain, rendering you retarded and Top Five Ways to Break A Bone: spastic. Twenty years later you are killed 1. Fat Chix. Top Five Commencment Speakers We’d when you are the one who was not saved in 2. Sloshball. Like to See: that one episode of Baywatch with the 3. Jumping off roof screaming “I just don’t 1. Corky retards. give a fuck!”. 2. Strom Thurmond 4. The emptiness that is the MQ sucks out 4. Excitedly sprinting to turn in your O- 3. Muhammed Ali the only life force left inside you... and yet, Chem final first and falling down the stairs. 4. Bill & Ted it still isn’t funny. 5. Falling out of a 16 floor building and 5. John Denver 5. While on the way back from dropping off hitting the flagpoles on the way down to Grandma at the Old Folks Home, you slow your fall right into the bike-rack. Top Five Koala Jokes Not Yet Stolen by swerve out of the way to avoid hitting a the MQ: squirrel and proceed to crash into an Top Five Crashes: 1. “The MQ SUCKS!” orphanage. The flaming wreckage of the car 1. My fist in your face 2. seat gets shoved up your ass, which the 2. The beer can on my forehead 3. kids use as a teeter-totter since you DID 3. The Depression 4. Oh, wait... they did steal that one. wreck their swingset. And then your 4. When two airplanes run into each other. 5. “The MQ are a buncha truckstop ass- genitals explode and your die from massive 5. That time where that train slammed into bitches!” blood loss. a semi which sent it spinning at 80 mph into heavy traffic, shooting cars 30 feet into Top Five Most Glorious Moments at Top Ten Questions I Have Never Asked the air, while the derailed train sweeps the UCSD: Myself: rest of the road, destroying about 15 blocks 1. Erection of the 1. If a tennis ball is dropped from 7 meters by itself. 2. Realizing that there would be books in up, 1 meter away from a light source at the the . same height, how fast is the ball’s shadow Top Five Things to Remember: 3. Realizing that no one wanted to buy moving on the ground at t=.7s? 1. Your name on acid. eucalyptus wood. 2. What bird lays eggs that are the same 2. Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. 4. The time someone had sex in the dorms. size as one of my testicles? 3. I forgot... 5. Creation of the Koala. 3. I wonder if I could drink the stuff that 4. Where I “was” at the time of the comes out of that dangly thing under that Top 5 Reasons Apartments Are Better cow? murder(s). Than Dorms: 4. Is there some event that precipitates 5. Only YOU can prevent forest fires. 1. No more of that nasy-ass cow shit pregnancy? ResLife tries to pass off as food. 5. What are the chances that I actually did Top Five Times To Say “What The Fuck 2. There's a kitchen so your girlfriend can piss myself last night? Are You Doing?”: cook for you while she's doing your laun- 6. Is it really a problem to masturbate 1. When your Chem 6BL Prof. grabs your dry. twelve times a day? crotch and says “Why don’t we see what 3. Although there's no maid to clean the 7. I wonder if my mother would be disap- we can do about your grade...” bathroom, your girlfriend can do that too. pointed about my desire for a girlfriend 2. When you walk into your room and see 4. You can room with the suitemates you with 32DD breast implants? your roomate sniffing your underwear and actually like while pawning off the one 8. Why do I always dig in my ass after fingerbanging their own asshole. stupid mother fucker no one likes on some taking a shit? 3. When your Christian minister unveils his other group. 9. If I pour kerosene on my hand, and light “Sacred Tabernacle.” 5. You can lock the bathroom door so your it on fire, how much pain will I feel? 4. Tom Bond getting naked with the TJ roommates don't barge in on you when 10. How much crack do I have to smoke to Donkey. you're jacking off. be able to chug these two gallons of milk? 5. When the driver of the shuttle-bus is playing chicken against Janitor Robert. Top Five Ghetto Breakfast Cereals: Top Five Worst Places to Get a Hysterec- “SWERVE, FOO SWERVE!!” 1. Mutherfuckin’ Acorns & Water tomy: 2. Mutherfuckin’ Government Cheese & 1. Thailand Top Five Reasons It's Better to Be a Girl: Water 2. While sitting next to that fine chick in 1. You never have to marry one, date one, 3. Mutherfuckin’ Welfare Crispies & Water Psych 3. or take one out for dinner. 4. Mutherfuckin’ Milk Duds & Water 3. That place on the middle of your back 2. The clitoris; you poor boys can't orgasm 5. Mutherfuckin’ Rice Crispies. Plain. you can’t quite reach. every 2 minutes all night, all day. 4. While shaving. 3. I can give myself an orgasm without even Top Five Things I Drank on Sun God: 5. What is a hysterectomy, anyway? touching myself. 1. 150 assorted beers 4. The fact that I can do that is a turn on. 2. .5 Liter Seagrams 7 Top Five Greatest “I Fucked Your Mom” 5. I will never look like a frog in the blender 3. 1.75 Liters of SoCo, 2 quarts pineapple List Entries: when I dance. juice and a half bottle of Chambord 1. I spelled out “Everyone Loves the 4. 5 x Fotie MotherFuckin’ Koala” on your mom’s back Top Five You Aren’t As Smart As You 5. Mutherfuckin’ Government Cheese & with my own semen. Thought You Were: Water. 2. Chilidog 1. You miss the first question on “Who 3. The time Bob Dole and I tag-teamed your Wants To Be a Millionare.” Top Five Signs That It’s Time to Brush mom. 2. You get hit by a parked car. Your Teeth: 4. “Who knew she was double-jointed?” 3. You kept swerving but the trees wouldn’t 1. You only have three teeth left. 5. When your mom left your dad and your get out of the way. 2. It is the day after Sun God and you have siblings so she could become impregnated 4. You fuck the up the title of this list. drank all of the above. by a sixth grade Samoan kid and got incar- 5. You go to college at UCSD. 3. You just went down on your girl and hit cerated for child molestation, twice. the wrong hole. Think you can do better? 4. After Vice Chancellor Joe Watson forces Top Five All-New High-Larious Odd You can’t. But submit lists you to deep-throat him once again. (Which Couples: is synonymous with his Fee Referendum) 1. Cheech and Chong online at 5. After making out with your 13-year-old 2. Gary Coleman and Louisa May Alcott http://thekoala.org any- cousin with the braces just after she has 3. Renee Barnett-Terry and 3 pounds of way. eaten the whole bag of Cheetoes. fresh, unsalted butter. June 1, 2001 The UCSD Koala Page 4 TheThe GuardianGuardian HasHas NoNo SackSack

Koala Gets Hammered and Beats Gaurdian Into Submission, Tardian Wins Softball Game

May 19, 2001 - The Koala and the Guardian meet for a friendly round of sloshy sloshball. With over 150 beers, several gallons of Boozade and a baseball bat, it was looking to be a fun game. Although the Guardian Tardians won the “ball” aspect of sloshball, clearly, with a 13-3 fight record, including two losses due to Koalans fighting Koalans, we dominated the slosh side. On record as the most violent match-up in the 19-year Koala vs. Gaurdian Annual Sloshball Challenge, this game featured a record of 12 bench-clearing brawls in only 8 innings. Furthermore, with broken bones sustained on both sides and nary a player escaping without at least 5 or 6 bruises, we can conclusively say that this match was closer to an all-out slugfest than a softball game. As such, we feel justified in declaring ourselves the winners, despite the Tardian’s slightly higher actual softball score in the overtime inning. Props to Koala Golden Glove Winner Sky Observe the posture of the jaws of the speciman in the white: fully extended and locked in an open position. His buddy spent 15 minutes with a beer bottle and a hose trying to unhinge them K. Frostenson for his catch in the bottom of after this picture. Fortunately, the subject emerged unharmed and was able to return to his job the seventh that took the game into extra as “The Human Funnel” at the Circus Freakshow the following Monday. innings. Were it not for his performance in this make-or-break play, the game could very well have ended with less than 10 fights.Stupid Pic of the Month

An X-Ray photograph illustrating the numerous broken ribs and internal injuries sustained by one unlucky Gaurdian player. The subject spent over 14 hours in intensive surgery before his condition stabilized. This is either the first inning, the last, or one of them in between. Notice the fervor with which Koala Staffers throw themselves into the bloody fray while Gaurdian staffers hang back. In the course of the brawl pictured above, three Gaurdian staffers called their parents and asked to be picked up, and one actually wept openly.

Koala Alumnus Evan E-Dogg Hoovler demonstrates the proper techniqueThis for month’s contibution comes to us from “JW” at Warren. opening a beer bottle with a baseball bat. Contrary to popular belief, the correct methodSend YOUR stupid pics to [email protected]. does not involve smashing the bottle. Sometimes, there are more important things than beer. Not very often though. June 1, 2001 The One True Koala Page 5 SunGod 2001

Koala Pornstar Try-outs Marks Highest Ever Level Of UCSD Public Perversion

Dateline: SunGod 2001, UCSD. The SunGod Lawn was the place to the polaroids we took of students having their way with our blow- be this year as The Koala once again wreaked havoc upon the up doll for the camera. conservative sensibilities of the UCSD student body and Other memorable moments include George lathering himself administration with our wildly-popular Pornstar Tryouts Booth. with vegetable oil, Neil Dennis, Bigga Dickla taking a swig of Admittedly, the day began fairly slowly, but by around 1PM, the straight vegetable oil, various drunken staffers managing to sit or students’ blood alcohol content exceeded the critical threshold and step in the vomit and having to boot the cheerleaders out of our real fun began to be had. Highlights of the afternoon include an as- booth. Our only regret is that we were too intoxicated to prevent of-yet unidentified person vomiting copiously all over the Koala the theft of some of the choicer pictures during the course of the Booth, in front of the “Best Game Booth” judges. Apparently we day, including my personal favorite “Ass Muncher.” Whoever stole were marked down to a 2 out of 10 in the “Fun” category for that that one is lower than that sacless slut who wrote the “KOALLA” one. I ask you, dear reader, have you ever attended a social personal in the last issue. Unless it was the guy who was in the gathering where people were throwing up in which the vomiting picture. I guess that’s cool. Anyway, I hope you all had as wild a wasn’t preceded by a great deal of fun and merry-making? I SunGod as we did, and we’ll see you next year. Now check out all certainly haven’t. In any case, I’m sure you’ll find the level of these wacky pictures we took. My favorite is “Tongue Twister sexual perversion and deviance as shocking as we did as you view Sisters.” June 1, 2001 The UCSD Koala Page 6 June 1, 2001 The UCSD Koala-Level Pornography Page 7

Take The Koala Challenge June 1, 2001 The UCSD Koala Page 8 Why Children Are Stupid And Useless By Senator Blackwood

One of my earliest child- was dropped off at work each low expectations for children. out time. Now notice how make for the best example, but hood memories is standing in day by a big yellow bus would For example, a child so much many of them are children. at least it demonstrates my the bathroom peeing into the you really want those stock as gurgles and is immediately Well I’ll be damned: NONE of point: children are stupid and trashcan. That’s right, not the options? I wouldn’t them! useless and we treat them as if toilet, but the trashcan. Now, I either. To further illustrate they are royalty. Why is it that know what you’re thinking, Children are like a my point lets have when a child finally says her and you’re wrong: I have runny nose: they are some fun with a first word everyone throws a learned to pee in the toilet very unsightly and hypothetical scenario. fucking party like the kid since then. For me, this constantly have to be Say that you’re off figured out cold fusion? It’s memory evokes not joy and tended to. Sure fighting for Democ- one word, probably a small wistfulness but shame and babies exude a racy in Vietnam and one that isn’t even pronounced confusion. Why? What certain quality that take a little shrapnel to well. And how long has the chemical imbalance in my wee makes them lovable, the ass and hit your little shit had to listen and little head led me to believe but how cute are they head hard falling into practice? YEARS! If we that it was okay to piss in the really? I mean have an unseen enemy accepted this kind of progress trashcan? Like millions of you ever found foxhole. The shrapnel from everyone, college would other kids my age, I had fallen yourself wiping the only leaves you be a forty-year experience. My victim not to a physiological shit crust off of a walking funny but the dad promised to pay a visit to disorder but to the inescapable baby’s ass and face plant causes my ass if I took longer than dunce cap better known as thought, “Gee, serious amnesia four years, how the hell is that childhood. I knew that I despite being caked leaving you with no fair? should pee into the toilet but I in shit, this baby is memory whatsoever. Maybe I’m just being a little choose not to. I was an idiot. adorable!” Babies Upon returning home hard on kids. Maybe I’m just Children are to life what aren’t precious. Super you notice something jealous of them because I was women were to ancient Greek models are. If you strange: the small robbed of the childhood I was bathhouses: useless. They just happened to find people, children, supposed to have when my don’t serve a purpose. For yourself relaxing appear to be running parents sold me to the gypsies example, when was the last with a supermodel the show. You notice for a bag of Peruvian hashish time you had a problem with and he/she dropped that adults wait on and a novelty pet rock. Damn your schoolwork and called a bomb in their pants children hand and gypsies. Scarred childhood your little brother? Or the first and then expected foot, stopping at aside, I stand by my claim. time you were going to give a you to wipe their ass, nothing to please Children are stupid, useless guy a hand job, who did you how would you feel? them. While walking and serve no purpose. They call? Hopefully for him it Part of the allure of a through the park you are a hindrance; they are the wasn’t your little sister. supermodel, and all If you happened to find yourself relaxing observe a child eat ass-scorching diarrhea you feel Adults are capable of adults for that matter, some sand, walk over hit you as you get started on a surviving on their own; after is that they have with a supermodel and he/she dropped a to his friends, squat, ten-hour road trip with your all, we’re here in college control over their bomb in their pants and then expected and proceed to shit girlfriend’s family. So do enduring the everyday bowel movements you to wipe their ass, how would you himself. To your yourself, your wallet and the struggles of the “real world.” and don’t shit surprise, his friends world a favor: don’t have kids. Children, on the other hand, themselves. Well this feel? laugh and smile and Adopt them once they are at a are in no way equipped to sounds like a double his mother runs over safe age, like twelve or survive by themselves. When standard to me. Young applauded as if this is some to wipe his ass and change his fourteen. Or don’t take my confronted with something children can soil themselves kind of accomplishment. This underpants. This bothers you advice. Be a , go ahead. that frightens them, kids shit and still be just darling. An cycle of rewarding uninten- because you recount how last But when you come home to their pants, literally. For adult lets out a fart that tional and asinine behavior week when you shit your find your kids eating each goodness sake, adults are sounds just a little too wet and only hinders the intellectual pants in the supermarket other’s boogers and there is a forced to drive them to school he is avoided like the plague, growth of the child leaving people gave you nasty looks nice little shit surprise waiting in big yellow (or even worse, having better odds of seeing them no motivation for and you had to walk all the for you in your loafers, don’t little yellow) buses that just Jon Rocker leading a Black accomplishing any real goals. way home before you could say I didn’t warn you. Take it scream, “Hey, look over here! Panther rally than getting Think I’m wrong? Look at all clean up the bomb that had from the kid that used to pee We are idiots.” If you found pussy. How does this happen? the lists of great thinkers, exploded in your pants. in the bathroom trashcan. I’m out that your company’s CEO Well, first off, we have such inventors and artists through- So my dad’s story doesn’t right. America’s Lost Youth 3: The Birth Of A God By Sodomy Master Q

biological knowledge that a vaginal crevice. The dark Chancellor, Joseph Watson, mammal child is created when power of UC regents, dirty Dynes was put into stirrups a male's sperm comes into hermaphroditic genitalia, Levi and broke his water atop the fusion with a female's egg. The jeans, and godly semen fused roof of Geisel Library. Watson embryo grows within the egg together to form a new life - began the delivery with a and soon a baby pops out. Sun God Jr. Dynes commented voodoo chant that would Such is the case with Sun God on the sexual rendevous: "My resurrect good spirits and his Jr. The Sun God's penis grew affair was an act of love! It had brother M.C. Hammer's music erect upon seeing the nothing to do with the career. After the sprinkling of thousands of UCSD students awesome and immortal power goat urine on Dyne's paying homage to its mighty I will spawn!" abdomen, the baby Sun God powers. As soon as Naughty At 11:02 AM, the next day, was pushing its way out of the by Nature busted out "OPP" Chancellor Dynes was womb. This however, would on the ones and twos, Sun photographed in a classy be a difficult birth. Sun God Jr. God blew its mighty fifty- maternal wardrobe. was a breech birth and Dynes gallon load of cum all over the Already in his third trimester, would need a Caesarian Peterson parking lot. Revellian the scandalous figurehead was Section. Watson commented, Provost Thomas Bond ready to give birth to the "You can barely see the scar commented on the event by world's most feared creature. because all UC Regents have stating, "I haven't seen that Assisted by the Vice dark healing powers which much cum fly since 'Homo prevent them from dying, as This year's Sun God Festival these ellusive variables Horse Humpers 3: Revenge of so many of us wish they'd do". marked two monumental coming together until Sun the Farmer’". The vice-chancelor/voodoo accomplishments never seen God. Kudos to you Tritons, for What happened next is witch doctor then performed before in UCSD history. The your first "real college" shocking beyond belief. At the necessary incisions to free first crowning achievement is experience. The second approximately 9:46 PM, a few the demi-god from Dyne's evil what we at the Koala like to crowning achievement never minutes before Face to Face womb. However, upon call a "party.” Before I seen before in UCSD history, is approached RIMAC field, fifty exposure to the Earth's continue, I should explain the birth of Sun God Jr. gallons of Godly semen rested precious yellow sun, the demi- what exactly a "party" is. A On Friday May 18, as the atop the asphault of Peterson's god rose unto his feet and "party" consists of three key Sun God's penis grew erect, a parking lot. Within minutes, bound off toward his true factors- alcohol, girls, and new life would be born. This Chancellor Dynes was first on father- the real Sun God. music. When these factors scientific phenomenon has the scene. Realizing the power Watson shook his head in come together at a specific never been seen before but we he could attain from a dismay and asked, "What the time, in a specific place, a at the Koala were the first to scandelous affair with a demi- hell just happened?" Unto "party" is born. UCSD has discover the truth the behind god, Dynes was quick to which the exhausted never experienced all three of the lies. It is common splash the semen into his Chancellor replied, "Elementary my dear Watson, he went to be with his father." June 1, 2001 The Last of The Koalans Page 9 More Reasons Not To Shop At Wal-Mart By Erik

Wal-Mart. What better place obviously shittier part of the Would any good looking girl all trailer park chicks.) As the spit flew from her lips to encounter the world you state. And don’t go thinking live with the guy that works at So now we’ve narrowed and the rage burned in her thought only existed on TV that this means that I dislike the local gas station and shoots Wal-Mart shoppers down to eyes, all I could do was turn shows such as “Married, With Indians. In fact, I’m way down holes through his own front poor, ugly women. Poor, ugly my head in disgust and try to Children” or “King of The with Indians. However, door while drinking Bud women are about the last find the cheez-whiz by myself. Hill,” where half of the everyone knows that The Man Light? I don’t think so. The group of people I want to be I used to think it was a great consumers have tattoos of has a long history of screwing reason that I mention this is around. If I were to go to hell, idea to have a store where you their ex-boy/girlfriends on over the Indians. Thus, you that these women are also poor, ugly women would could buy everything you their right shoulders? I can’t can be sure that wherever the usually poor. Poor women are surround me, forever would ever need at a very think of a place I hate going to man put the Indian also stingy bitches. They will gossiping about their affordable price. I mean, shit, more than Wal-Mart. It’s not reservations is the shittiest bring a coupon for every item neighbor’s dramatic love if I was a poor, ugly chick, I the idea of the monopoly it has place around. Fuck The Man. that they purchase and review affairs, announcing what new would be there in a heartbeat. on the rest of the world, Now, I’m not saying that their receipts three times just diet they had recently heard Cheap goods promising forcing small business owners will make them thin this time, healthy attributes and out of their homes. More and discussing what beauty features, cheap clothing for my power to them, I say. I get my products they can buy to thirteen starving children, and Casio G-Shock wristwatch for completely mask their natural ice cream. I noticed they now half the price. And it’s not that features. Not only that, but keep ice cream in the checkout their underpaid, overworked they’re bitchy as hell. No help stand at Wal-Mart. Very clever. employees are the unsettling, at all. Here’s one example of They also have a McDonald’s rude workers you would my exclusive “run-ins”: in there, even though there’s a expect. In fact, they are “Excuse me, ma’am?” McDonald’s in the same surprisingly helpful and “What?! No! Don’t talk to me fucking shopping center. I upbeat considering what they cracka’ jack!” guess poor, ugly women don’t do for a living. No, it has “Umm... I was just wondering feel as guilty about spoiling nothing to do with the actual if you could tell me...?” their diets if they don’t go to store that I hate going there. “Nuh-uh. I ain’t tellin’ you the actual separate franchise. What it has everything to do shit! You with the FBI? You Back to the other point I was with is everyone else who goes know you have to tell me! You making: you never see any to Wal-Mart. The reason for ain’t got NOTHIN’!” Native Americans in Wal- this is that everyone else who “Uhh...” Mart. Is it because Wal-Mart goes to that store looks like living in a trailer home is bad. to make sure that after each “T’wasn’t me at that thift shop doesn’t have anything that the they just stepped out of a I am very much for the idea of item there is a “-$0.08.” And if las’ month if THAT what you average Native American trailer home in northern working at the local gas one of the coupons was not thinkin’. No siree t’wasn’t me. wants? Precisely. Native Arizona. Why did I say station and drinking Bud accounted for, you’d better just Hey I gots KIDS! I don’ see Americans would rather shop “northern?” I mean, Arizona is Light while shooting holes in sit the fuck down, because all you wit’ no goddamn little at some place like “Bob’s Bait, a pretty shitty state in general, the front door during breaks. hell is about to break loose. No shits runnin’ ‘round screamin’, Tackle & Ammo.” as long as consisting mostly of state The problem with the people coupon, no dice. So when I get ‘Mama when dinna’!’ ‘Mama there’s booze and hunting penitentiaries, landfills and, of who shop at Wal-Mart is that into line with my three or four when we gonna get a house!’ equipment. The Natives have course, Indian reservations. It they are mostly women. And items, I end up waiting twenty ‘Mama when we gonna get a it all figured out. And you’d is simply because there are every guys knows that most minutes for each person in back yard with grass instead better not doubt that, because more Indian reservations in women who live in trailer front of me (assuming, with of these fuckin pieces o’ scrap they’ve been here a lot longer the north, hence making it an homes are fucking hideous. reasonable cause, that they are metal mama!!’” than you have. Person Of The Year 2001: Randy Woodard

Each year, we here at The Koala Unemployable Reality-Avoiders give our prestigous Person Of The Anonymous) actually used to hold Year award to someone who has annual showings of the classic X- distinguished themselves as a rated spooge-fest “Deep Throat” in leader, philanthropist and all- a Revelle lecture hall as a round swell guy. Long-time fundraiser? And that they were readers of The Koala may recall forced to stop because attendance that Randy has been runner-up for was so high that it violated the fire this award each and every one of code? But that should give you the 18 times it has been given. some idea of exactly how old Never deterred by adversity, school Randy is: even Darkstar was however, he kept at it and we are cool when Randy first began proud to announce that the 2001 working here. Koala Person Of The Year is none Having himself been a other than Randy Woodard newspaper man while in college, himself. Randy was the ideal advisor for What made this year different leading-edge campus publications from the previous 18, you ask? such as ourselves and the Voz What could Randy have possibly Fronteriza. On top of that, he even done to top his long, jaded history managed to put up with serving as of repeatedly saving The Koala’s advisor for all the other shoddy, ill- collective ass while simultaneously concieved publications and student Above: Randy (right) rocks out a blistering guitar solo with his band Slayer fighting off lawsuit after lawsuit orgs this campus has been during the now-infamous “Reign in Blood” world tour. from those uppity, spoiled brats at subjected to over the past decades. The New Indicator? To put it But perhaps what is most simply, he retired. As Dr. Dre will striking about Randy is his tell you, sometimes the most dedication to his wife in the face of crucial skill a trend-setter can the thousands and thousands of possess is the ability to know when busty young college co-ed groupies it’s time to cash your chips in and that threw themselves at his feat spent your days chilling with the each year. On a given day, it was wife. Indeed, Randy has truly not uncommon to see large swarms trumped both his enemies and of nubile young freshman girls would-be imitators by spending collecting around his office his days laughing at them from the window, hoping for a glance of the lap of luxury. man himself. On one occasion, 10 This weekend, I was fortunate girls lined up outside his office in enough to score a lunch interview the and tore their with Randy at his favorite hang- shirts off to reveal the words out, UC Liquor. Between sips of “RANDY = GOD!” written across Hennessey, Randy filled me in on a their bare chests. Wow. great deal of old-school UCSD So Randy, as this year’s Koala science. For instance, did you Person Of The Year, we salute you. Above: Randy (left) enjoys a forty of his favorite beverage, Colt 45, with long- time friend Chuck D of Public Enemy (right). know that Darkstar (a.k.a. Obese, Have one on us. June 1, 2001 The Light Beer With Premium Taste Koala Page 10 Forgotten Pleasures IV: Just Do It

you are the gods of the my hot desires. But when I I have yet to come to the and head out to burgers at earth. But in reality, we are did find that special point where I have In & Out and a stop at F just trying to keep your someone, I was whipped one out during Street. Pick up a new egos up while sneaking disappointed. What could I sex, it is always there when comrade, who I peaks at our watches and do? Luckily, my best friend I kick your ass out of my recommend naming, and whispering how we wish stepped in. She, princess bed. I know that go home to test it out. This you would cum. It is all experiencing the same machinery is scary, but I am way you guys can about the foreplay… but problem as I, knew that here to tell you, it has reconvene in the Price that is another article. This there was a potential changed everything. I have Center in the morning and one is about orgasms, and I, answer. For my birthday, a learned what my body discuss your incredible Hooty McBooty, am about long, thin package was needs to get off. I have experiences. I am to tell all of you dissatisfied delivered. For only $8.95, learned where the predicting a whole bunch women the sure-fire way to my beautiful friend gave important spots are. Most of "Oh my God's". obtain one. It is something me the present that importantly, I have learned Understand that I am that the majority of you are changed my life. I know WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. It trying to help you! I would frightened of. that sounds strong, but sucks not even knowing. It never want to disgust It seems scary, but once until you have given is so great too. It is like an you… unless of course you you have gotten used to it, I yourself an orgasm more incredible explosion that want me to. I just don't promise, you will come up than one time in fifteen starts at your toes and want you to end up 25 and With Hooty McBooty to me personally and thank minutes, you can't talk shit. travels everywhere. God, getting married and Last week I went to a me. The answer is… getting I think that what turns excuse me for a moment… thinking that you are party and was confronted yourself a fucking vibrator. most girls off about OK, I am back. And right defective. by a fan. She had a problem Seriously. Get a vibrator. vibrators is that they think now I can express to you I promise, you CAN have and, knowing that I was a Those magical little battery that they have to fuck even more how great my an orgasm. There are professional love kitten, she holders can work wonders. themselves with them. That little buddy is. simply many of us for knew I had an answer. She I am not saying that a is not true. All of you know You don't have to get whom it does not come as was right. Her question vibrator is a replacement that the clitoris is really something scary. There are easily to as others. We was simple, and is one that for a man, don't get me where it is at. I don't even some really scary ones out should not rely on men to an incredible number of us wrong. But a vibrator can consider fucking myself there too. You don't need a give us all of our pleasure. women have asked help you to understand with my vibrator. All I do is vibrating panty or a Take the initiative. After ourselves numerous times. your body, how it works, what I like to call, "Letting Rippling Rabbit. All you you have one, I promise She asked, "Hooty, why and, most importantly, it Chill." That is all you need is the kind of thing you will come up to me can't I have an orgasm what it has to offer you. I have to do. Put that little that you saw on the movie personally and thank me. while me and my boyfriend was once in your shoes. I supreme being on your clit Parenthood. Remember It looks like that is it for are making love?" Oh remember the days of no and let it sit where it feels when Steve Martin looks this year’s editions of darling, if you only knew. orgasms. I wondered, "Was good. It will feel good too, I for a flashlight and comes Forgotten Pleasures. I hope You see, a number of us that it?" Trust me, it wasn't. guarantee it. It is really up with actress Diane you have appreciated my women don't ever have You'd know if it was. I did quite amazing. I am not Weiss' vibrator? Anyway, advice. In fact, I know orgasms during sex at this have one once in an actual saying that what you guys that is all you need. Small, many of you have. Know age. Many of us have never situation. There was a boy do for us is not important. lightweight, and easily that you can contact me at even have had one. It is who surprised me with We enjoy it a lot. But the accessible. I would avoid [email protected]. Put on surprising to the guys we some magic fingers. But whole time we are sitting any-thing you have to strap the subject line "I want to are sleeping with because that was once… with one there wishing for the on. give Hooty an orgasm" and the majority of us know fucking guy. I needed more. amount of pleasure that You don't have to go buy I know I will get it ASAP. I enough to fake it. That’s After I had a taste, I wanted you motherfuckers get one alone; I wouldn't. Some hope everyone has a right: we are faking it. It it all the time. every fucking time. That is creepy people lurk in sex summer filled with all of isn't that hard. Make some Now don't get me wrong, where the vibrator comes shops. Grab your best those forgotten pleasures. moans, gyrate our hips a I am not a slut. I didn't in. It finishes what you friend, who has probably Peace. little and you guys think search for penis to satisfy have started. also never had an orgasm, Name That Country!

You are a winner if you the kids have to huddle into the 21st century. I am answered Indonesia to last together to share warmth having some money prob- issue’s Name that Country. and glue, so when you flip lems, but seeing as how our The last country was kind over the box, those little currency is at its historical of a podunk little back- buggers just run out in ev- low point, there’s nowhere water country that pro- ery direction. I mean, each but up to go from here! It bably no one has heard of, cop can only get off a cer- was looking like the US so let’s step it up a little. tain number of shots be- was going to help me out, Hi, folks. I am a tropical cause the rest of the kids but I have learned to be country. My capital was a are out of range. The weal- wary of help from America. completely planned city. thy people in my country It turns out that the Elmer’s We laid out everything and have taken to traveling by Glue that we import isn’t planned for a vibrant, mod- helicopter to avoid ever the same as the Elmer’s ern population. Now, the having to go out onto the Glue in the US. They “left population is roughly 10 streets. My country has the in” a few extra chemicals times as vibrant as we had largest number of deaths by that happen to make the initially planned. Apart- helicopter accident per glue especially addictive. ments that were designed thousand of any nation in Gerber’s Baby Food is also for one family have been the world. Due to an ex- not quite the same here. subdivided with partitions plosion, our nation’s largest The chemical they “left in” so that six families can live oil rig sunk into the sea and was water, in a 1:1 ratio there and still maintain spilled hundreds of thous- with the American Gerber’s that, “My house is my ands of gallons of fuel into Baby Food. I guess our castle” feeling. The police, the ocean. But most of it is children only need half the completely unable to deal diesel fuel, so it will prob- nutrients that baby Ameri- with crimes that have al- ably just evaporate harm- cans need. My largest ready occurred, have be- lessly into the air, right? We employer is McDonald’s gun to work proactively to are also keeping up in this and my forests are being prevent crime. One of their “digital” age. Over 12% of cut down so that cows can preferred methods is the our population is now lots of grass to eat. Have nightly hunt for homeless hooked up to a growing you figured out who I am children. The police have to “telephone” network that yet? Submit guesses to work in pairs because, well, promises to bring us raging [email protected] June 1, 2001 The Only Redeeming Thing About UCSD Page 11 “State Says, UC Says” by Gabe B. Frobe, State Student

It’s really a genuinely odd know what the fuck is going on. feeling reading the Koala and It’s similar to controlled chaos realizing that some drunk bum was between faculty and student Weed making fun of the drunk bums that population. UC says: “This is grade-A shit. State says: “One time, I got so go to my school. I don’t know if I go to a class trying to get This is perfect Bay Area chronic. high I thought I saw God. Man, you realized this, but SDSU is a lot sobered up with 15 other people Look how sticky it is. I paid about and I kept eating and eating and different than what the hush-hush sobering up and listen to a teacher five hundred dollars for it but fuck eating.” whispers of biochem students say creaming her panties looking at the it, it was my parents money it is. Sure, only a slim margin of us baseball player in the first row. anyway.” graduate in only four years. But While creaming panties teacher is we’re not that dumb. In fact, I telling us about how the real world learned a fancy word called will be, baseball Joe is misspelling “verisimilitude” in my literature “nautical” in his notes, which by class. How stupid do you think we the way has the name and number are? of a girl he screwed last night. This Do you think we giggle every girl incidentally is sitting in psych time The Koala says things about class trying not to look at her ball-licking? Like go lick a ball. overworked, underpaid joke of a Hahahahaha. Go lick TWO balls! professor who’s shooting white Hahahaha, you’re killin’ me. Then loads in his pants looking at her go lick a CLIT! HAHA! A GIANT and wishing he could walk her to clit! Ho ho! The huge giant clit the sorority house where three from the South Park movie that we freshmen in tight-fitting, were laughing at while the girl mammary-pushing, matching pink Sean Powell Jenny Thompson drank shots of vodka sitting in a shirts clap in unison for their Unfunny Administration SDSU Senior shopping cart! Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! initiation to a group consistently Sycophant What‚s the degree of fucked by the football team. And verisimilitude between what you none of us know what the fuck hear and what’s fact about state? If we’re going to do with our lives. one Koala reader has heard that the So let’s just look at some quotes Phi Kappa Theta party was broken that I’ve heard from both state and up at four in the morning, how UC students. Please remember that Partying many people had already passed there is no intelligent or dumb in UC says: “Well, we didn’t State says: “You know what out? Which girl had a picture taken this world. We could probably get know how much we’d drink so we bro, I don’t feel like partying with her panties at her kneecaps? Taoist and say that people are like bought all the alcohol that would tonight. Just invite Janice and Rick, How many state students does it varying degrees of musical fit in the shopping cart and and um... Craig, and Jenny too. take to fill out a DUI arrest form? harmony - to insult one while brought it in the apartment. It was We’ll just kick it at Answer: we don‚t know. That’s a complimenting the other would be sort of funny because the people, my place and down five or six part of going to state - we don’t a waste of breath. like, saw us walking around with cases of beer, you know, take it this huge pile of vodka and Coors. easy.” I think the shopping cart adds Sex flavor to the room so we’re gonna UC says: “I used to have sex State says: “Well, you gotta at keep it.” with my legs behind my head. And least know her name, sometimes.” I could also bend my abdomen forward doing doggy-style and lick his balls.”

James Meeker Tim Drake Mouth-Breathing Dolt SDSU Sophomore

Jasmine Delung John Spitzer Truly Frightening SDSU Freshman Nightlife Academics UC says: “Tyco Brahe couldn’t State says: “I can’t believe she UC says: “Dammit, I don’t State says: “Yeah, that one girl have been that detailed with his made me write three pages. That’s want to be late to the dragshow.” cut her foot on some glass and left notes to produce this much error.” like a book.” to the hospital. Around one in the morning. She fucking came back?!”

Geoff Moss Cindy Jameson Justin Williams Natalie Anderson Reigning Muir College Anal SDSU Junior Cockboy SDSU Senior Felching Champion June 1, 2001 The UCSD Koala Page 12 PERSONALS We still did not write these personals. We were too busy stealing painkillers from Thornton Hospital to sell to the Gaurdian staff to cure the pain of the numerous broken bones and solid-organ ruptures we so ruthlessly inflicted on them at the Sloshball game. So don’t sue us. Also, don’t tell any law enforce- ment officials about the whole “stealing and selling painkillers” thing. Thank you.

Girlfriends suck. And not in the way bar....I have never seen so much to that hot piece of pun-shawabby that gay people im gonna shove one up you are thinking of. Don't ever get a polyester crammed into one room onto hangs out in the bookstore--I love you. your ass, what that one is im too sure girlfriend, unless you like the idea of that many rolls of white pimply flesh I loved you from the day I met you. yet. Thanks Brian (Heavy B) and totally giving up each and every in my life...anf to Ghetto Girl at I know some reading material we Adam (The Monster). personal freedom you have. She'll Warren, many thanks to you and your should be looking up. yeah, you may make you get rid of your friends, your endless hours of paintjob-face, you look all inocennet and sweet, but I got To the six people in mmw 6 that turned beer, your pot, your porno's, give my friends and I something to a taste for you vinegar and salt potato around every time somebody asked a everything. I know, some of you men make the milk squirt out of our noses chips if you know what I mean. question. Why the fuck do you care out there are laughing and saying for, at least you don't ask moronic goddamn woman, that is some who it is. God damn how I hated "What a pussy this dude is" well let me questions every 10 seconds in VIS 22 precious love makin' time you are having to see your fucking faces, I hate tell you, I used to be just like you, like the fake-blond sorority bitch who wasting in the bookstore. now come you all. Fuck you. laughing at my friend Dan. Now look wants my TA's nutz who sits front-left over here and give me a taste of the -Fucking Pissed Off at me. She wore me down so and always finds a way to walk across lemon juice. gradually, I didn't even see it coming. the front of the lecture hall for us all to To the fuckwad frat boys who thought I'm so whipped now, I can't even have see her white-trash lack of ass. To that hot chick in my Cog Sci and it would be so cool to yell "PADRES a Guinness with my bro's anymore. If Ochem classes. Why the fuck do you SUCK" at the padre game a couple of you have a girlfriend, dump her Thank you to most all the females here have to look so hot each day I see you? months ago, FUCK YOU you cum immediately. It will be better for you at UCSD. You daily remind me and I can't pay attention in anything I do guzzling fag boys! I was sitting 10 rows in the long run. If you don't have a my friends how fun it is to have a hot because I am too busy staring at you. ahead of you and I wanted you to girlfriend, rejoyce in the knowledge ass and tits at a school of pre- And not only that, why did you have know you looked fuckin ridiculous that you can do whatever you want, pubescient nerds. Every time I go to a to go and live with all my friends from wearing you faggety ass UCSD whenever you want to, and no girl can party we entertain ourselves by your last year back in the Muir dorms? You sweaters and acting the fool. If there say a god damn thing about it. Stick to amazing capability to make yourselves make life pretty fuckin difficult. One of weren't kids around I would have gone the one night stands, and you will be the raunchiest peices of hooched up these days I am going to take you up there and bitch slapped each and alright. pseudo-ghetto clearence-rack Jerry down to Rosarito where I can have my every one of you. To the girl who was Springer-rejects we have ever seen. way with you. sitting in the midst of these jagoffs To the Charlie in our suite who won't And when you try to act like looking embarrassed to be even shut the fuck up. Next time you wake 'goddesses' and give us dirty looks I am so sick of hearing all you associated with them: Baby, you are a up at 6AM on a Sat. to sing fucking because we make your boyfriends jack Engineering DORKS bitching about princess! Why don't you ditch show tunes we're gonna take turns off after their classes with us, we laugh how there are no hotties in your whichever one of those dipshits you ripping your vocal chords out yo ass at your pathetic A-cups and remind classes. You should have known you'd are going out with, and get with me. I'll with your rusty scooter (although it UCSD that you can actually be be kicking it with other pimply CS- treat you the way you want to be sounds like the LezDean already took intelligent and very, very hot at the addicts like yourselves, and if they treated and I'll never embarass you like care of that). And to the BibleBanger same time. didn't fill you in on that little fact of life that chode boy did. I saw you in my next door, it's just Frankincense when you applied to this god-forsaken Mexican History class so I know you burning in here! To Jennifer: If you dare come to this school in the first place, TOO are down with La Raza. If you see me school next year I swear on a stack of FUCKING BAD. The REAL tragedy is around campus don't be afraid to say Alright, boys. I'm here to set the fuckin Bibles 3 feet high I will make your life a the shortage of cute guys in all the Lit whats up. I'll be lookin for you. record straight on a certain all-too- hell the the power of 25. I do not want classes. HELLO?! Where's the prevalent myth here at UCSD and, to see your cheap-ass old mercedes and gorgeous male body to inspire my LEV MANOVICH = COMMUNIST even more so, in this paper. IF I READ your half-Puerto Rican-Pride flag in erotic poetry? It's not enough for me CUM GUZZLING DRAG QUEEN ONE MORE COMMENT ABOUT THE these lots, nor your anymore to fantasize about the TA in Fuck you Lev you don't know shit! Go SORRY-ASS DOGS THE WOMEN wannabeghettoness orange hair stringy English 22 and 23. Here's my personal: the fuck back to Russia and pick up on SUPPOSEDLY ARE AT THIS SCHOOL, bangs walking your thong-lacking SWF seeks SM for intense discussion of your own fugly ass women! And to I SWEAR I'LL GO CHARTON tight white jeans down library walk. everything literary, including our epic, that dumb ass TA who told the whole HESTON IN PRICE CENTER AT You are not latina, you can't be ghetto x-rated affair. Wanna be the subject of fuckin class that we needed to take NOON ON A TUESDAY. Have you if your daddy is a dermatologist and my next short story? Look for me in some remedial writing classes, FUCK SEEN what we fine-ass ladies have to he is buying you an apt., and Julian the 8 series in 01-02... and maybe I'll YOU BITCH! It's a fuckin VIS ARTS work with here??? Humor me: I want DID cheat on you with me, and has write about you and put it in one of the CLASS NOT ENGLISH LIT! Take that you to pull your own ugly-ass head been in love with me since 8th grade. campus publications I work for. hook nose and go crack open a couple out of your frat-hole for two minutes cans of Penzoil will you bitch? and look around you - nothing but To the cute lacrose babe at ERC dorms, To that ugly slut Jen, Wow, you have beauty for the vast majority of that You don't even know that you've got it! got to be the most annoying person on To that dumbass in my vis145b class, view. Then: PULL OUT A FUCKING And you know who you are...yes, im our campus. Not only do you put Would you shut the fuck up already?! MIRROR. Breaking it down into talking to you...I know your bright red streaks in your hair which You don't know shit about ICAM or numbers for all you engineering fuckinuglybitchskank teammates ain't make you look like a disgusting anything else so keep your fucking recluses who don't even own a mirror, gettin the play time, but damn girl, imitation of Ginger Spice, but you comments to yourself. Whenever you or soap for that matter - a good 60% of why don't you cum play with my pretend to be a virgin when the whole open your stupid pie hole you make the female population here is stick? Your boyfrind doesn't have to world knows that you give it up to the whole class want to pop a cyanide absolutely gorgeous. In contrast, I'd know I'm scoring now. Fuck, why don't anyone with Greek letters on their pill. Take your fuckin bleeched hair say only 20% or so of the men here you lose that bitch? I want a piece of chest. Get a life. Love, one of your tri- and stanky ass Birkenstocks and get could even pass for not-ugly-enough- you hot ass more. All im asking is: delt sisters the fuck outta my face biotch! to-scare-small-children. If we females Give me some playtime, girl. Love, didn't demand things like, oh, I don't your number one fan Rebotier, Anyone who has ever met your sorry know, some semblance of intelligence, ps: i have a stick and 2 balls so lets play For all classes at UCSD, your class ass we'd be seeking out the pieces of ass at fucking sucks. There exists a logic class State too. Obviously, too many What is up with that stupid Marshall that is the biggest joke of all cog sci Vice President Dick Cheney Says: underendowed, underused penii are College? They run around all day classes. Learn to fucking teach. I would responding to the constant rejection tooting their horn like they are write a nice proof for you but, I think I from ladies who are WAY out of their champions of diversity, yet they ignore wasted enough time on this shit in league with, predictably, anger and diversity because they are so busy your class. Word! resentment. Poor things. And really, trying to promote anything that is non- what sort of feeling should this elicit? white. If their purpose is to promote To the three TWD fuckers in Cog sci: Submit YOUR All I can come up with is pity. Too bad underrepresented minorities they Humpty, Dumpty and Mo, I know you pity doesn't get you dates OR ass. should just say it, instead of hiding love to give it to each other in the ass personals at Looks like it's back to the lotion and behind "Diversity". Whites are while prancing around in those fuckin pictures of mom, boys... responsible for alot of bad stuff, but gay shirts. You fucking fags, you www.thekoala.org with pity and sympathy, that is noreason to exclude them from a should be shot for wearing shit like one of the many gorgeous UCSD girls cultural line that supposedly embodies that. What the funtion, learn to fucking Right NOW! seeking satifaction OUTSIDE our sorry diversity. spell stupid fuck. student population Signed, A Marshall Student Who Will Soon I am tired of all the gay bashing that To the Koala staff, I hope you enjoyed Transfer goes on around campus. we are no the lists I submitted. My twisted mind P.S. I dare you to print a personal that different than the rest of you. Just compels me to constantly berate doesn't include cussing. because you guys fantasize about hard Republicans and Religion. I also deeply nipples and we dream about hard dislike France, The Utah Jazz, and To all the girls I put effort into only to cocks doesn't make us any worse than Carson Daly among many other things, find that they had boyfriends....YOU you. Its not like we stare at your should you need more material ... List SUCK...Ditch that slaker-ass sorry beautiful bodies when you are Boy. excuse for a significant other parasite benching at the gym. We are too lazy to attachment you call a boyfriend and be go anyway. I have a workout mat but This is to all the skank-ass sorority with me... we only use it to fool around with each hoes at the pike party at the 'athletics' Big Red other. Next time I hear a crack about