The Koala University of California, San Diego Franchise Volume 57, Issue 2 June 1, 2001 “Haters Can’t Touch.” SPECIAL SUNGOD PORNSTAR ISSUE WHAT’S INSIDE: Person of the Year 2001 • Lists • More Pictures of Drunken UCSD Students pretending to Be Pornstars At SunGod • The Real Sloshball Coverage • Enlightenment • Forgotten Pleasures 4 • The Inside Track On What’s Up At State • Human Vomit • Why Kids and Wal-Mart Suck June 1, 2001 The UCSD Koala Page 2 Ah, Memories... Your Letters To The By Ethan Editor Hello, my name is Patrick and I Although we do not print over the am in London at the moment. I am summer, please stop by when you coming to San Diego as part of an make it to San Diego and let us know exchange program in the Fall of how it went. Good luck and Bon September 2001, and somehow Voyage. came across your publication by accident looking for housing Dear Editor, application forms. Lured in by the Your paper is the butt- picture of a koala faced neptune munchingest paper in the whole surrounded by sea-nymphs, it was universe. You are a boogerhead all good from the get-go. Which and your momma is fat. led me to the part where you said The Preuss kids in 107. you needed writers. I figure I fit at P.S. Keep putting those stacks least two of the categories, if not outside the school. three; I can sort of speak English, I think smoking is the coolest thing Dear Preuss Kids- since Joe Camel and I still listen to Shoudn’t you be spending your time the Dead Kennedies (who ever cramming vocabulary words in the stopped?). And I have a nice idea hopes of getting a high enough SAT for a writing peice, to boot: I am score to get into UCSD? Back to coming to America (like the work! movie) in July and making my way from New York to San Diego Dearest Koala, mostly by way of accidents and I just wanted to drop you guys a adventures in the form of hitch- line and thank you for the hiking and escaping murder. It wonderful time we had on Sun would be a pleasure to send you God. Before Friday, I thought I the more exciting parts of this trip only had three inputs of love, but by email in installment forms (that thanks to the creativity of UCSD is, if you run the paper over the students, I found three more and Ah, here it is at last: my final On the other hand, there are summer), or afterwards. Either engaged in my first act of issue of The Koala. That’s right: many things that I won’t miss. way, I would reckon that bestiality. I’m not even afraid of I’m graduating, and this is the end Things like being asked “So, like, something useful would come out donkeys anymore, not since I had of my long-standing tenure as you guys, like, REALLY write, of it, and if you would like to print The King! And to UCSD, hugs Head Editor. There’s so much I’ll like, the, like, the personals, like, it, that would be nice. Either way, I and kisses and buttsex. Thanks, miss; the one-handed shirtless right?” on an almost hourly basis. look forward to seeing more of the again, for everything. kegstands on the Gaurdian Or enduring the half-cocked Koala when I get to California. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO Editor’s desk, the high-fives from opinions of schmucks who’ve Regards, Debbie drunken freshmen at parties, the never written a funny sentence in Patrick Alexander P.S. (Ethan, you were the biggest.) late-night tunnel missions, the their short, sheltered lives: “Dude, almost palpable hostility from the the Koala was totally funny back Dear Patrick- Dear Debbie- administration, the time we when I was a freshman. Now it’s We here at The Koala look forward to Thank you for your enthusiasm in bought 500 expired beers for $20 fuckin’ lame. Their jokes are, like, hearing of your American exploits. helping out at our SunGod booth. and stashed them in the office... totally dumb or some shit. Not And then, of course, there’s the like me. I’m, like, a very simple satisfaction of walking sophisticated individual with around campus after a new issue refined, subtle tastes or some comes out and overhearing kids shit.” So I’d just like to take the repeating my jokes to one another. time to say this in print while I STAFF And who could forget the time still have the chance: spent backstage with The Booty TO EVERYONE WHO Ketel One Boys and Sir Mix-A-Lot? Or the DOESN’T LIKE THE KOALA: Ethan Duni joy of the first time I drove the A.S. cart through Peterson hall FUCK YOU ALL. Stolichnaya during distribution? Indeed, it’s George Liddle been a wild few years and I’d like to see just one of you afforded me many unique shitheads publish a paper half as funny as The Koala. Grey Goose opportunities, such as the chance Kerry Drake to work with new and interesting Also, I’d like to welcome the people, to lighten the day of the new editor, George Liddle. You may remember him as “That Absolut average student, and to be called a Sky Frostenson, Dustin Gebhardt, Robert Lanuza, Tom XXX, pornographer in print by the Fucking Solar Fan-Hat Guy” from provost of Revelle College. a few years back. And I’m out. Shana Shmirnoff Erik Kapernick, Matt Agosta, Boyce Collins, Fritz Leader, Senator Blackwood, Daniel Quistorff Table of Contents Aristocrat Tulley Rafferty Cover.....................................................................Cover The Koala Table of Contents.............................................page 2 http://www.thekoala.org Lispy Lists..........................................................page 3 Student Center 211.4 Mailbox C-17, UCSD Amateur Pornout Tryout Photos...............pages5-7 La Jolla, CA 92093 Can you believe all of these people actually (858) 534-4216 [email protected] touched our doll? After what Robert did to her in the trashcan? Gross. Disclaimer: “The views expressed in this publication are solely those of The Koala and our members. While the publisher of this publication is recognized as a campus student organization Gaurdian vs. Koala Sloshball 2001...............page 4 at the University of California, San Diego, the views expressed in its publication do not represent those of ASUCSD, the University of California, the Regents, their officers, or employees. Each Why Kids Suck.................................................page 8 publication bears the full legal responsibility for its content.” [sic] Person Of The Year 2001.................................page 9 Copyright ©2001 Forgotten Pleasures IV..................................page 10 All rights reserved. State Says, UC Says........................................page 11 “I think you run a fine paper.” June 1, 2001 Enoy Koala Classic Page 3 Top Five All New Shitty Ways to Die: 4. San Diego and Tijuana 1. Drinking a bottle of oven cleaner, and 5. Dick and Bush LISTS pissing on a fire. 2. Getting hit by a bolt of lightning while Top Five Advantages of Being Christian: Top Five Camping Pornos: watching your parents have freaky sex. 1. Getting to slap both cheeks of that ass. 1. Weiner Roast IV: Footlongs in Hot Buns 3. You are about to climax for the first time 2. Eternal Constipation. 2. Outback Adventures VII: Exploring while losing your virginity and his/her 3. You get a head start in Humanities Deep, Moist Caves parents bust in, which forces you to hold in 4. Immunity to poisonous serpants. 3. Pitching a Tent in the Bush the orgasm. This causes a bio-electric- 5. Dominion over Evil 4. Stroking the Fire feedback-overload that fries the neurons in 5. The Boy Scouts of America Handbook your brain, rendering you retarded and Top Five Ways to Break A Bone: spastic. Twenty years later you are killed 1. Fat Chix. Top Five Commencment Speakers We’d when you are the one who was not saved in 2. Sloshball. Like to See: that one episode of Baywatch with the 3. Jumping off roof screaming “I just don’t 1. Corky retards. give a fuck!”. 2. Strom Thurmond 4. The emptiness that is the MQ sucks out 4. Excitedly sprinting to turn in your O- 3. Muhammed Ali the only life force left inside you... and yet, Chem final first and falling down the stairs. 4. Bill & Ted it still isn’t funny. 5. Falling out of a 16 floor building and 5. John Denver 5. While on the way back from dropping off hitting the flagpoles on the way down to Grandma at the Old Folks Home, you slow your fall right into the bike-rack. Top Five Koala Jokes Not Yet Stolen by swerve out of the way to avoid hitting a the MQ: squirrel and proceed to crash into an Top Five Crashes: 1. “The MQ SUCKS!” orphanage. The flaming wreckage of the car 1. My fist in your face 2. seat gets shoved up your ass, which the 2. The beer can on my forehead 3. kids use as a teeter-totter since you DID 3. The Depression 4. Oh, wait... they did steal that one. wreck their swingset. And then your 4. When two airplanes run into each other. 5. “The MQ are a buncha truckstop ass- genitals explode and your die from massive 5. That time where that train slammed into bitches!” blood loss. a semi which sent it spinning at 80 mph into heavy traffic, shooting cars 30 feet into Top Five Most Glorious Moments at Top Ten Questions I Have Never Asked the air, while the derailed train sweeps the UCSD: Myself: rest of the road, destroying about 15 blocks 1.