Prepare Now, Part I: How to Be Ted Kaczynski Without All That Unabomber Crap

1 PREPARE NOW, PART I: HOW TO BE TED KACZYNSKI WITHOUT ALL THAT UNABOMBER CRAP s you may have learned from my fi rst book, I was once a Webelo— that’s right, not a Boy Scout, but a Webelo. Pretty low on the sur- A vival skills totem pole, but at least it was a step up from the Cub Scouts. Anyhow, before I was ejected from this society for chucking a can of soda at my scoutmaster’s head, we went on a few camping trips. These consisted of about twenty of us kids, and fi ve or six parents, all of whom were stupid enough to get duped into taking care of twenty boys in the wilderness. I would like to say that I learned all sorts of practical knowledge on these outings that I could pass on to you, but of course the parents ended up putting up the tent and doing all the merit-badge-worthy tasks we kids were supposed to do. However, I did learn a few lessons from these experiences, the most important being that the wilderness sucks. If you 027-44914_ch01_4P.indd 27 6/24/10 4:00:23 PM 28 FORREST GRIFFIN have a house with hot water, you should probably stay there because the wild will do everything in its power to make you absolutely miserable. On the second day of one of these little adventures into the great unknown, the parents gathered up all the kids, brought us down to a luke- warm creek, and expected us to bathe. That’s right, twenty half-naked kids, fi ve adults (also half naked), bathing in a creek with bars of soap. Did I mention that it was in a fucking creek? I immediately felt molested. The only cool thing to come out of the mass bathing ritual was that my step- father, Abe, taught all the kids how to change in nature using a towel. We thought it was the coolest thing, and for the next few days every kid spent at least two hours a day changing and rechanging their shorts (kids are fucking weird). The absolute worst part about camping was taking a dump. I was excited when we fi rst got there because there were outhouses, which meant I didn’t have to dig a hole, but when I ventured into one of these portable shit houses, I learned that the words “cleanliness” and “wilderness” do not go together. I made the mistake of looking down into the hole, and it looked like a shit monster had been murdered in there. There was shit everywhere—I mean, how do you get shit on a wall? There was a toilet seat, yet shit somehow ended up on the wall. It was just like that scene from Slumdog Millionaire where they shit off the piers. Fearful of getting consumed by the shit monster, most of us kids resorted to pooping in the woods, and with all kids being inherently lazy, we didn’t bother to dig holes. We just shit on the ground and then ran off. So by the end of the three days, everyone had spent seventy-two hours traversing a shit fi eld, and we all stunk like walking death. The entire expe- rience made me realize one thing—I fucking hate the wilderness. If you are like me and spend a good portion of your life trying to avoid all things outdoors, this book will do you well, because, when doomsday comes, the outdoors will be your new home. Before I tell you how the world will end, there are some things that you need to do to prepare yourself. Since you are currently reading a book on the apocalypse written by a professional fi ghter who’s suffered some pretty serious head trauma, I’m assuming that you have some mental impair- ments of your own. You’re not a full-blown moron, but you have trouble 027-44914_ch01_4P.indd 28 6/24/10 4:00:23 PM BE READY WHEN THE SH*T GOES DOWN 29 with simple things like walking without tripping, wiping your butt, count- ing, and, most importantly, reading. I will not judge you because I am well versed in moron, and we’re in this together. However, it is quite possible that it will take you several years to read this book from start to fi nish, making it important that we start your training before I supply you with the various end-of-the-world scenarios and tell you what to expect. Just trust me that all this stuff will come in handy. IS THAT AN ASSAULT RIFLE IN YOUR PANTS? (WELL, IT SHOULD BE) Learning how to defend yourself is not something that happens overnight. It takes a lot of practice, which means you must start your training now. While numerous accountants, stockbrokers, housewives, and other regu- lar people will survive the apocalypse by blind luck, the majority of those who dodge death’s bullet will be survivalists who predicted the coming-of- the-end and received the proper training. These people will have at least basic knowledge on how to shoot and kill with their hands, and unless you are on a level playing fi eld, there is a good chance that you will become their future food source. To avoid such an outcome, I’ve included some very basic knowledge on how to defend yourself. You don’t have to become an expert marksman or a professional fi ghter, but at the very least, you must be able to shoot a 027-44914_ch01_4P.indd 29 6/24/10 4:00:23 PM 30 FORREST GRIFFIN DICK IN A BOX BY BIGGER JOHN Both Forrest and I are fi rm believers in being armed at all times. Back before I got replaced by a bunch of Vegas douche bags, I used to corner Forrest for his fi ghts. When he went to Sacramento to fi ght Tito the fi rst time, I went with him. We were hanging outside with all the fi ghters, and suddenly Tim Sylvia comes up to us and starts making fun of Forrest for the thick leather coat he had on. “Dude, what the fuck you wearing that huge jacket for?” he said. “Are you a moron? It’s eighty-fi ve degrees out here.” Without batting an eye, Forrest said, “It’s not a jacket, it’s a holster.” “Excuse me?” “I said it’s not a jacket, it’s a holster.” And with one quick movement, Forrest pulled the Glock 40 from the inside pocket. Now I am not trying to call Tim a pussy or anything, because I honestly think he is one of the toughest heavyweights we’ve seen in the sport of MMA, but you should have seen the look in his eyes when Forrest pulled that gun. Instantly he knew he was dealing with someone on a whole different level of crazy. Hating to get left out of anything, I decided to add to the effect and pulled the Glock 40 I had in my belt holster underneath my shirt. Tim immediately tried to grow back his balls by talking about his favorite guns, but I will never forget the look on his face. It was priceless . Anyhow, I guess the moral to this story is that you should always remain strapped, even if it requires you to wear a thick leather jacket in eighty-fi ve-degree weather. target at close range and understand how to properly apply a choke hold. Note from the HarperCollins legal team: Keep in mind that the apocalypse hasn’t hit yet. Every state has its own laws about who can legally acquire a gun and how that gun must be carried. I’m not saying you should break any of those laws so that you can buy or use guns, and if you’re not eigh- teen (or twenty- one in some states), then this section doesn’t even apply to you. 027-44914_ch01_4P.indd 30 6/24/10 4:00:23 PM BE READY WHEN THE SH*T GOES DOWN 31 HOW TO STAND WHEN FIRING YOUR GUN IN AN INCREDIBLY SAFE AND RESPONSIBLE WAY There is no such thing as a proper shooting stance. It is important that your stance is balanced and stable, but the exact foot positioning is entirely up to you. Some people like to stagger their feet, while others prefer to keep their feet square. My only suggestion is to establish a shooting stance that feels comfortable and familiar. For example, I shoot from my fi ghting stance, which involves placing my left foot forward and my right foot back. I could just as easily shoot from a square stance, but being a professional fi ghter, my fi ghting stance feels very comfortable and natural. If Lyoto Machida shot guns, I am sure he would shoot from a karate horse stance. And if Royce Gracie shot guns, he would shoot from a butt-scoot stance. See what I am getting at? If you choose a shooting stance that is not familiar, it can take you a moment to establish it when shit goes down, and the last thing you want to be focusing on in a shoot-out is the positioning of your feet. To learn what feels most comfortable, practice drawing your gun and aiming. This can be done on the fi ring range, or, if you’re like me, while traversing the desert in your underwear.

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