Wise Men Make Proverbs Ten Minute Play

WISE MEN MAKE PROVERBS TEN MINUTE PLAY

By Andy Haynes

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HEUER PUBLISHING LLC P.O. BOX 248 • CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406 TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 • FAX (319) 368-8011 Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes WISE MEN MAKE PROVERBS By Andy Haynes

SYNOPSIS: What begins as a simple request for relationship advice quickly devolves into a fast-paced back-and-forth as rival advice men try to one-up each other with proverbs.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (THREE MEN)

BILLY (m) ANSEL (m) ELMER (m)

Only Copy

Not Perusal Do

- 2 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED. Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes AT RISE: BILLY’s home. A couch sits in the middle of the room and a door stands off SR. On the couch sits BILLY, deep in thought. He is a shy young man, indecisive and a bit of a doormat. There's a knock on the door. BILLY, looking perplexed at who would be coming, walks SR and answers the door. On the other side stands ANSEL, a smiling man in a suit with a horizontally-striped tie.

BILLY: Uh, can I help you? ANSEL: Are you Billy? BILLY: Um... Yeah... Is there something I can help you with? ANSEL: You sent away for the complete “Wisdom of the Ancients: At Home Advice Package”? BILLY: (Suspiciously.) Yes... ANSEL: Well, here I am. I'm Ansel. I'm the complete package. (He moves past BILLY, makes his way to the couch and sits down.) BILLY: Oh geez, I kinda thoughtOnly you guys would just send a pamphlet or something. ANSEL: Goodness, no! We at “Wisdom of the Ancients” believe in giving direct one-on-one personal attentionCopy to each of our valued “Complete Package” customers. Our competitors may have copied this approach by now, but we were the first! So, what problems are you having that the “Wisdom of the Ancients” can help you with? BILLY: You gotta give me a minuteNot here . This is all a little weird... (He rubs his face, trying to organize his thoughts, and stops suddenly.) Wait,Perusal did you say other advice agencies are also providing this service? Do ANSEL: Yes.

As if on cue, there's a knock on the door. BILLY looks at the door and back at ANSEL. Slowly, BILLY moves SR and opens the door. On the other side stands ELMER, a smiling man in a suit with a tie that matches ANSEL’s except that ELMER’s has vertical stripes.

ELMER: Are you Billy? BILLY: Uh oh...

- 3 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED. Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes ELMER: You sent away for the total “Knowledge of the Elders: At Home Advice Package”? BILLY: Oh no... ELMER: Well, that's me. I'm Elmer. I'm the total package. (At this, ANSEL jumps to his feet with a gasp.) You! (Turning back to BILLY.) You hired him, too? (He pushes past BILLY and stalks toward the coach.) BILLY: I just wanted a couple of books... ELMER: I should have known you'd try to steal one of my clients. ANSEL: Oh, that's rich, you accusing me of stealing clients when you're the one who started up a competing business. ELMER: Well, maybe somebody shouldn't have fired me. ANSEL: Well, maybe somebody shouldn't have sucked at their job.

BILLY steps between them before it escalates any more.

BILLY: Guys. Guys. Hey, come on...Only (They pause and look at him before he continues.) Maybe we could just get through my problems quickly and then you could just, you know, leave. Copy ANSEL and ELMER give each other one last glare. During their next lines, they step back till they are flanking the couch before BILLY sits down on it. Not ANSEL: I think that sounds like a great idea. ELMER: So do I. I thinkPerusal you'll be impressed with what the Knowledge of the Elders has to say aboutDo your problems. ANSEL: And what the Wisdom of the Ancients does to actually fix them.

More glares.

- 4 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED. Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes BILLY: Right... (The men compose themselves, brush off imaginary dust, fix their ties, etc... When they've finished, they stand smiling, waiting for BILLY to begin.) So... There's this girl... (Knowing smiles and nods from both men.) And I've never really talked to her, and I'd like to get to know her, but I don't know, should I just go up to her and say hi or maybe do something to get her attention or... I don't know, maybe...

ANSEL clears his throat to interrupt.

ANSEL: This one is quite simple. The ancients are very clear. (Pause.) The pen is mightier than the sword.

He begins smiling at ELMER, all the while looking very pleased with himself. There is a brief pause before BILLY speaks again.

BILLY: Okay... (BILLY turns his headOnly toward ELMER .) ELMER: Oh tsk tsk tsk, it appears you've missed the mark. (Pause.) Actions speak louder than words. Copy He gives a smug look at ANSEL. Another brief pause, as BILLY looks back and forth between the two men, who don't seem to be paying him any mind. Not BILLY: Right... Thanks... That was very helpful. So I guess I can handle it from here...Perusal (BILLY stands .) ELMER: No, no, no. You Docan't. Sit back down, we're just getting started! (BILLY sits back down, defeated.) Now then... You need to go about this quickly. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. He who hesitates is lost. ANSEL: I don't think so. What he needs is to take some time to think this through. Look before you leap. ELMER: Oh, you don't think he should strike while the iron is hot? ANSEL: Act in haste, repent at leisure. ELMER: Ah, but if he waits too long, she may forget about him. Out of sight, out of mind.

- 5 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED. Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes ANSEL: Oh, but that's not so bad. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Besides, good things come to those who wait.

ELMER thinks hard on his next move as he and ANSEL slowly circle the coach, ending up again on opposite sides. BILLY, sensing an opportunity, stands but is immediately shut down when ELMER begins speaking before BILLY has a chance. BILLY sits back down.

ELMER: Time waits for no man! ANSEL: Touché... BILLY: Well, guys, that was very impressive. So, I guess you'll just be... (He trails off, afraid of confrontation.) ANSEL: We haven't even gotten started yet! (ANSEL cracks his knuckles. He moves in closer to the couch.) If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. ELMER: There's no use beating a dead horse. (ELMER moves a little closer to the couch.) Only ANSEL: Many hands make light work. ELMER: Too many cooks spoil the broth. ANSEL: Two heads are better than one. Copy

They break back from the couch, loosen their ties and regroup for the next round. Not BILLY: Seriously, I think it's about time― Perusal ELMER moves suddenly closerDo to the couch as he speaks quickly to ANSEL.

ELMER: Better safe than sorry!

ANSEL mirrors ELMER as the two are slowly trapping BILLY in the middle.

ANSEL: Nothing ventured, nothing gained! ELMER: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush! ANSEL: Birds of a feather flock together!

- 6 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED. Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes ELMER: Opposites attract! BILLY: What does any of this have to do with me? ANSEL: There's no such thing as a free lunch! ELMER: The best things in life are free! ANSEL: The best things come in small packages! ELMER: The bigger, the better!

They break and circle the couch again. Taking off their jackets this time and rolling their sleeves up as the intensity increases.

ANSEL: What's good for the goose is good for the gander! ELMER: One man's food is another man's poison! ANSEL: One man's trash is another man's treasure! ELMER: It's never too late to learn! ANSEL: You can't teach an old dog new tricks. BILLY: The squeaky wheel gets the grease. ANSEL AND ELMER: Silence is golden!Only

Over the course of the next section, they move very close to the couch and basically scream over it at each other.Copy

ELMER: Two's company, three's a crowd ANSEL: The more, the merrier! ELMER: When in Rome, do as the NotRomans do! ANSEL: Above all, to thine own self be true! ELMER: Never judgePerusal a book by its cover! ANSEL: Clothes make the man!Do ELMER: Practice makes perfect! ANSEL: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

BILLY jumps up suddenly to scream over the din.

BILLY: Stop it! (Both men pause, startled, and look down at BILLY.) That's it! Both of you, out of my house! You have hemmed and hawed and not helped me one iota! (BILLY scurries around collecting the men's discarded clothing and shooing them toward the door.)

- 7 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED. Wise Men Make Proverbs by Andy Haynes Copyright © MMXII by Andy Haynes ELMER: But, Billy... ANSEL: We're not done yet. BILLY: Oh yes, you are! Take your cheap suits and worthless advice and move on! (He throws the clothes at them.) ANSEL: But, Billy... ELMER: This advice has been around forever. How can it be worthless?

BILLY has pushed ELMER and ANSEL to the door and stops short just before he closes it on them.

BILLY: How? Because maybe real-life problems are too complicated to be solved by cute little sayings. Especially when you are both contradicting each other. Honestly, how was this supposed to be helpful? (BILLY waits for a moment to give ELMER and ANSEL a chance to respond. Thoroughly cowed, they meekly look back and forth at each before replying.) Only ANSEL: Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. ELMER: Wise men make proverbs― BILLY: And fools repeat them! (BILLY slamsCopy the door on them.)

BLACKOUT.

THE ENDNot Perusal Do

- 8 - THIS SCRIPT IS PROVIDED AS A COURTESY FOR INTERNET READING. NO PERFORMANCE RIGHTS CONVEYED.