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University of Nevada, Reno Sense and Sexuality from Teen to Teen

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University of Nevada, Reno Sense and Sexuality from Teen to Teen University of Nevada, Reno Sense and Sexuality From Teen to Teen Mom: Redefining the Label A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Art in English By Katie Smith Dr. Susan Palwick/Thesis Advisor August, 2011 THE GRADUATE SCHOOL We recommend that the thesis prepared under our supervision by KATIE LOUISE SMITH entitled Sense And Sexuality From Teen To Teen Mom: Redefining The Label be accepted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of MASTER OF ARTS Susan Palwick, Ph.D., Advisor Ann Keniston, Ph.D., Committee Member Lisa Black, Ph.D., Graduate School Representative Marsha H. Read, Ph. D., Associate Dean, Graduate School August, 2011 i Abstract After becoming a teen mom my senior year, I worked my way through college while being a mom, wife, student, and worker. Throughout my studies and life experience, I realized that there was a lack of teen parent literature, for or by teen parents, and a lack of teen parents being open about their experiences, good or bad. At that point, I realized that I needed to complete my memoir about teen sexuality and being a teenage mom. The memoir exposes my journey from eighth grade, when I was first exposed to the idea of sex, and concludes with me now, a twenty-six year old wife, parent of two, and college graduate who is working as a teacher and writer. Throughout my memoir I open up about being a teenager in love and how my mature emotions transform into having to make mature decisions. The mixed emotions I experience are complex, and I am forced to handle them without always having the life experience or knowledge necessary. Important private moments are revealed in hopes of getting my message across to adults and teenagers. One goal of writing this memoir is to increase awareness about the prevalence of sex and sexuality among teens. The solution set forth is that communication between adults and teens needs to be more open; teens need to know their options when it comes to sex and safety. Another goal is to show that teen parents need to be active in attaining their success; success does not just happen. Struggles and perseverance combine to offer one, not so rare, account of a smart girl‟s decisions pertaining to sex and sexuality and the repercussions. ii This book is dedicated to my family, especially Levi, for believing in me. I would also like to dedicate this book to other teen moms, because I believe in you. iii Table of Contents Prologue: I Can Only Hope That Everything Happens For a Reason Inevitable-Finding Out………………………………………………………………2 Section One: Oh, To Be a Teenagers Again…No, Thank You! Eighth Graders Have Sex?..........................................................................................11 Scandalous Summer…………………………………………………………………19 A New Chapter in My Life………………………………………………………….29 Lives of Impulse……………………………………………………………………..39 There‟s Always a First for That……………………………………………………..46 To Love and Lose……………………………………………………………………56 How Do I Move On With a Broken Heart?.................................................................65 Crash and Burn………………………………………………………………………74 Section Two: Too Young to Be a Mom? Working Mom……………………………………………………………………….83 Telling the Truth……………………………………………………………………..95 Trying to Grow Up…………………………………………………………………..102 An Unexpected Beginning to My Senior Year………………………………………109 The Time of Our Lives………………………………………………………………119 How Do You Prepare For the Unknown?...................................................................133 Another Curve Ball………………………………………………………………….142 Section Three: Oh Baby! Bundle of Joy……………………………………………………………………….148 iv Settling In……………………………………………………………………………164 Do Expenses Ever End?..............................................................................................173 Pooping, Puking, and Other Baby Ailments..……………………………………….181 More Than Another Welfare Recipient……………………………………………...190 Hard Work Really Does Pay Off ……………………………………………………199 Resources……………………………………………………………………………202 1 Prologue I Can Only Hope That Everything Happens For a Reason “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson 2 Inevitable-Finding Out Everything is set. My black tea is steaming waiting for me to take the first sip. My document is open, format is set. My favorite plaid pajama pants and mismatched sweatshirt allow me to shift around comfortably in my computer chair. I raise my feet and push them against the wall behind my desk. Still, the cursor is continuing to blink back at me, prompting me to get started. What else could I possibly need? Then it hits me, an Ah-Ha moment. What about all the other teen moms? Where are they? What are their stories? How did they make it through? Or did they? # It was a dry, blazing hot Friday in August, one of those days when you picture fat ladies fanning themselves while continuing to sweat. In two days I would be a senior in high school. Thank God, I would finally be at the top of the school. The only problem was that I was late. No, not for a blind date, nor for a meeting. I was late getting Aunt Flo, you know, my monthly cycle. It was not a big deal—it had happened before, and it always turned out fine. All right, I had never been a week late. All week my stomach had been in knots and my brain had been mangled with fear, reservations, and what ifs. How would I explain this to my parents, family, friends, and peers? I was a straight A student. This type of thing doesn‟t happen to a good student. I had made some bad decisions at times, but overall, I thought I was a good girl. I was too young and had too much ahead of me for this to happen. On Monday, I had told Levi I was a day or two late, but it was no big deal. I had been exercising a lot and maybe that was why I was late. After Monday we didn‟t really 3 talk about it, but each time we had sex that week, making sure to use a condom, he knew I still hadn‟t started. When Friday rolled around, and I was done with work at the daycare, it was time. My stomach was doing flips and my mind was running in circles. I couldn‟t focus. Levi was at work at the grocery store when I called. “Levi will you pick up a test at the store?” I spoke into the empty void of his voice message box as tears streamed down my cheeks and my stomach continued its obsessive workout routine. I did not have to say what kind of test, because he already knew what was going on. Over the past three years, Levi was always the one to buy the pregnancy tests, the thin white stick that attested to the mistakes we made in moments of pure passion. I couldn‟t imagine people seeing me buy it. What would they think of me? Levi and I talked about everything, but it was the unspoken things, the things we didn‟t have to say, that were usually the hardest. His shift ended twenty agonizing minutes after my pleading message. I pictured him sitting in his sporty, white Honda Civic checking his voicemail. I could see his pale face transform to a sickly white color as he listened to my message. I knew Levi would do anything for me. He arrived at my parents‟ house thirty painful minutes after he got off work. I had never felt so alone. I heard his car pull into the driveway below my second story bedroom window. I couldn‟t bring myself to get up off the bed where I lay in utter silence and fear. Within a minute, he was in my room. In his work uniform, he looked like a Jehovah‟s Witness who was trying to convince me of joining his religion. He pulled a small grocery bag out of his inside jacket pocket. The grocery bag wasn‟t from the store he worked at. I didn‟t 4 have to ask why. What young man would want to buy a pregnancy test from his place of work? People there knew me. They would know who the test was for. As he walked across my room, his pace revealed his anxiety, and his face exclaimed, “Wow, this is it.” He slowly, and almost methodically, sat down on the foot of my bed. He rested his hand gently on my thigh, “Is there anything else I can do?” My distant, blank stare was now fixed on his handsome young face. I didn‟t look into his eyes. Instead, my eyes were fixed on the one inch scar on his forehead from a car accident he was in as a young child. I couldn‟t answer, because I knew if I did, my tears would start again. I wouldn‟t be able to keep my emotions in check. I shook my head side to side with all the strength I could muster through the paralyzing fear that was overtaking my mind and body. I slowly moved my legs off the bed and pushed myself up to sitting and then somehow, as if in a dream, I was standing. Levi removed the plastic bag and was placing a white box that read “EPT: Now a second one FREE!” in my hand. This was really it. It was time. # My fingers and my brain are convinced that I can‟t demand them to get to work. The only action occurring is that the questions continue to rattle around in my head. What about other teen moms? The internet. That‟s it! Duhh, Katie! The internet holds all the answers—it must. As I surf from site to site and search to search, I come up with nothing more than harsh statistics and a few depressing short stories about the dismal realities of being a teen mom.
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