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GRAND LOVE Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Judy Turner i First published in 2011 Copyright © Judy Turner 2011 All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the author or publisher. the Australian Copyright Act 1968 (the Act) allows a maximum of one chapter or 10 per cent of this book, whichever is the greater, to be photocopied by any educational institution for its educational purposes provided that the educational institution (or body that administers it) has given a remuneration notice to Copyright Agency Limited (CAL) under the Act. ISBN: 978 0646 5594 83 Printed and bound by Kent Rowe Digital Print, 3/235 Darby St, Cooks Hill NSW 2300 Phone: (02) 4926 3530 Email: krdprint.com.au Front cover artwork by grandchild Sophie Back cover artwork byEdie Saxon (Newcastle High Schools) ii Dedicated to all grandparents and the grandchildren they are raising Note: The grandparents and grandchildren quoted in Grand Love have given permission for their stories to be published. Names have been changed to protect their privacy. I have tried to keep information accurate but entitlements, benefits and provision of services may have altered due to the changes made over the years in both Federal and State Departments related to Human Services. Judy Turner iii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I am very grateful for my husband’s patience and understanding during the long writing process and to my granddaughter for her inspiration and love. I could not have written Grand Love without the willingness of the grandparents and grandchildren to tell their stories with honesty and courage in the hope of helping others in similar situations and of raising awareness in the community of what their situations are really like. I thank all the members of the Support Group GAPS (Grandparents as Parents) for their strong support. All of us at GAPS owe a great deal to Kinship Care workers, Karen Lizasoain and her predecessor Samantha Gasse, for their vision and commitment in supporting grandparents in difficult situations. I also thank the Samaritans Organisation who recognised that grandparents raising grandchildren had needs that were not being met, and the Volunteers Group who assist the grandparents wherever possible. One of the volunteers generously contributed her proofreading skills and advice to help bring Grand Love to production. David Morrison guided me patiently and expertly through the complexities of computer use - a big challenge for this grandmother writer. I have been helped along the way by the guidance and expertise given to me by my brother Kevin McDonald and my grandparent friend Lee Gaynor who, along with other long-suffering friends, read my drafts and encouraged me to continue. My appreciation goes to the grandchildren, and students from Chapman Primary School ACT, and Newcastle High School who contributed illustrations and promotional material, and to their teachers. Their art work added the finishing touch. iv GRAND LOVE INTRODUCTION They looked like any other group of grandparents but their stories stunned me. Some grandparents were desperate. They were facing incredible hurdles from agencies that were supposed to be there to support them. It seemed that some of the workers in these agencies had no idea what was happening in these grandparents’ lives. All of us were grandparents raising grandchildren. While every story was unique we shared much in common. We talked and listened, vented our feelings, cried and laughed together. The Support Group GAPS - Grandparents as Parents - sustained us, nurtured friendships, gave us vital information and helped us as we did our best to raise our grandchildren. Until I started raising my granddaughter I had never given any thought to grandparents in this situation. Occasionally I had seen a report in the newspaper about a family tragedy and had been heartened to read at the end that the children were now being looked after by their grandparents. That was comforting. The children would be all right. End of story. Not so. For the grandparents and the grandchildren a new life begins. A family life still, but a family life where very different dynamics operate. Across Australia 35,000 grandchildren are being cared for by their grandparents. These grandparents experience a dramatic change in their lives, sometimes overnight, when they go from being doting grandparents who can ‘love them and leave them’, to parenting grandparents with the full responsibility of raising their grandchildren twenty-four hours a day. The causes are varied - the tragic death of one or both parents through illness, accident or crime, or the inability of parents to care for their children because of marriage break up, mental illness, or, the major reason of grandchildren for coming into care, drug and alcohol abuse. To some grandparents it is no surprise when they become carers. They have watched the parents struggle with mental illness or addiction, seen their lives deteriorate and worried about the inadequate nurture of their grandchildren. Along the way they are often threatened, abused or maligned. v When grandparents become carers because of the death of their loved child it is devastating. Traumatised and shocked, they are forced to put their own grief on hold to care and support their grandchildren. All of the grandchildren, whatever their background, suffer from grief and loss. None of them are living with their parents. Some grandchildren begin their lives as methadone babies, others have disabilities. Separation from parents, and sometimes other siblings as well, makes them feel insecure, confused, inadequate, abandoned, angry and resentful. They are affected socially, physically, psychologically and academically. Some bear scars that will never heal. Support groups give the grandchildren the opportunity to meet others being raised by their grandparents. No longer do they feel they are the only ones. Grandchildren can arrive with nothing but the clothes they are wearing. Finances can be stretched to the limit and it is not uncommon to hear of grandparents dipping into their retirement funds, or even selling their home to make ends meet. Some are forced to accept help from charities for the first time in their lives. For working grandparents, child care arrangements are vital but very hard to obtain. All grandparents are entitled to financial assistance from government agencies but in many cases it is extraordinarily difficult to access these funds and far too much time can elapse in the process. Coordination of all the services and staff is needed so that grandparents receive positive, efficient and effective responses. Unlike foster carers, grandparents receive no preparation or counselling and little help in finding out what assistance is available. Respite care scarcely exists even in dire circumstances. Many grandparents endure the painful experience of having to go through the court system to gain custody of their grandchildren. They can pay thousands of dollars in legal costs while their court adversary, sometimes an irresponsible drug user, receives Legal Aid. Lives are further complicated when grandparents are still having to deal with difficult adults, the children they had nurtured from birth, who are suffering from mental illness or drug or alcohol addiction. Access visits so that the grandchildren can see their parents can be disturbing, stressful and inconvenient. vi Younger grandparents may have one or more of their own children still living at home. It hurts these children to know it is their own sibling who has caused the problem. Their lives are turned upside down seeing their parents spending so much time and attention on the grandchildren. Grandparents raise their grandchildren even though it means they cannot see their other loved family members as often as they used to. A generation older than most parents, grandparents can have significant health problems, reduced mobility, aging parents or a partner with dementia. They may be caring for anything from one to nine, or even ten grandchildren. They may be doing it all on their own or with a partner. Sadly the strain of raising grandchildren has caused marriages of many years to break up. For me, the stories are incredibly moving, the more so because young children are involved. How would I have coped if I were that grandparent? How would I have felt if I were that grandchild? The stories raise many questions about early intervention in the lives of innocent children who are living in danger, the support and management of emotionally disturbed children, the role of government departments, the rights of parents in addiction, the support of the mentally ill, and the needs of grandparents who have become the children’s primary carers. Depending on their age when the grandchildren come to live with their grandparents, and factors such as the history that they bring with them, their personality, their resilience and the kind of support they receive, grandchildren have varying chances of successfully growing into fully functioning adults who are able to make responsible decisions and live wholesome, caring lives. The grandparents I have met are doing everything in their power to help this happen. I am in awe of their enduring commitment and love. vii The Kinship Care Worker Throughout Grand Love the reader will see comments by the Kinship Care Worker, Karen Lizasaoin. Her job has been to assist grandparents, and any other relatives who are raising grandchildren. As a full time officer, Karen has been listening and responding to grandparents’ needs and liaising with relevant departments, agencies, and organisations. This gives authenticity to her observations, particularly as she does not have the personal involvement of the carers, but can take a broad view across the whole region. Without Karen, and the efforts of her part time predecessor Samantha Gasse who formed the first GAPS Support Group in the Hunter Region, grandparents raising grandchildren would be struggling completely on their own.

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