[ Volume 30, Number 14 | Wilfrid Laurier University Thursday November 30, 1989.
CORD WEEKLY
THE: WHITE COVER: void of all sexist, homophobic, heterosexist, offensive, racist, (oh, and creative) material. Have a merry Christ- mas. J The Cord Weekly 2 Thursday November 30, 1989. —■
• A strong beginning to your future in man- •An opportunity to specialize: ;X agement * Accounting * Finance * Organizational $: Behavior/Human Resource Management :$ * Management Science/Information Systems £: : : * Marketing * Policy Analysis : : CORD For detailed...... informationx write to: j:|: NOVEMBERWEEKLY 30, 1989 j V OLUME 30, NUMBER 14 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF...Chris Slarkey j NEWS EDlTOR...Jonathan Stover ASSOCIATE NEWS EDlTOR...vacant
NEWS CONTRIBUTORS Kevin Vaughn, Angela Baker, Cathy Merriman, Mark Hand, Bill Needle, Debra Sheehan
* * * COMMENT PAGES CONTRIBUTORS J.R. Artinger, Harvey Luong, Karen Burke, Sieve Burke, Lynda A. Fare t -T- -r- FEATURES EDlTOR...Elizabeth Chen
FEATURES CONTRIBUTORS Marie Molloy **NOTICE**
* * * "SCENE" EDITOR...Tony Burke Office of the Registrar November, 1989 "SCENE" CONTRIBUTORS Steve Burke, Feizal Valli, Tom Szeibel, J. Tyler Leatherland, Jana Watson Watch for the
* * * SPORTS EDITOR...Brian Owen new seating arrangement SPORTS CONTRIBUTORS ChrisDodd for final examinations * * * PRODUCTION MANAGER...Jana Watson Complex and PRODUCTION ASSISTANTS in the Athletic Karen Burke, Andrea Nasello, Christine Yarwood !
* * Auditorium * Theatre
SYSTEMS TECHNICIAN...vacant COPY EDITORS Please read the signs Robin Sutherland, vacant CIRCULATION AND FILING MANAGER...Roxanne Chartrand * * * carefully PHOTO MANAGER...Liza Sardi PHOTO TECHNICIAN...Patrick J. Mitchell entering GRAPHIC ARTS...Tom Sziebel before PHOTO CONTRIBUTORS the examination room Patrick J. Mitchell, J. Tyler Leatherland, Harvey Luong, Steve Burke * * *
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BOARD OF PUBLICATIONS PRESIDENT...Mark Hand LENGTH ROW SEATS DIRECTORS COURSE Bill Casey, Frances McAneney, Annie Quong, Al Strathdee, Neville Blair, Tony Burke, vacant CLAS 101/HUM 151 A 2 hrs. C,E,G,I ALL The Cord Weekly welcomes all comments, criticisms and suggestions from its readers. Letters to the Editor must be typed, double spaced and submitted by Tuesday at 12:00 noon for the following K 1-2 publication. All letters must bear the author's full name, telephone and student number, but names may be withheld upon request. Letters must not exceed 400 words in length and are edited for length only. The Cord Weekly reserves the right to refuse any submission, and all submissions be- B,D ALL come the property ofThe Cord Weekly. GEOGRAPHY 220 1 1/2 hrs. Eight month, 24-issue Cord Weekly subscription rates are: $20.00 for addresses within Cana- F 1-11 da and $25.00 outside the country. Co-op students may subscribe at the rate of $10.00 per four month work term. The Cord Weekly offices are located on the 2nd Floor of the Dan Dawson Draughtiess, Nacholess, Popcomless, and Every Popular Beerless Detox Centre at Wilfrid Lauiier University 353 1 1/2 lus. A 1-6 (tel. 884-2990). The Cord Weekly is printed at Rictcr Web Press in beautiful Brantford, Ontario, GERMAN home of great Canadian women Becky McCormick and Janet Jones. Business Terms Dictionary The Cord Weekly is published weekly during the fall and winter academic terms. Editorial opinions are approved by the editorial board and are independent of the University, the Student Union, and Student Publications. The Cord Weekly is a comatose member of the Canadian Uni- ALL versity Press. HISTORY 217/267 2 1/2 hrs. H Copyright © 1989 by WLU Student Publications, Waterloo, Ontario. N2L 3C5. No part of J 1-12 i this publication may be reproduced without the permission of the Editor-in-Chief. 3 November 30, 1989
" Jonathan MichaelStover, 9{ews 'Editor The NEWS 'Babe 'Jyiitfh Associate 9{s.vjs Editor Recycling coming to WLU campus ANGELA BAKER Cord Weekly Students at Wilfrid Laurier University will finally be able to par- ticipate in an on-campus recycling program Members of the WLU administration, the Student Union and fac- ulty make up the new 'Recycling Committee.' The committee has come up with feasible proposals for a program that we should see commence sometime in the new year. Wes Robinson, Director of Physical Plant and Planning at WLU, has put together a proposed program for the recycling of 'fine' papers — - non-newsprint material and is awaiting final consent from the committee. Robinson said he is confident that he will get that ap- proval within the next few weeks. This part of the recycling program would see bins put in every of- fice on campus, to be filled with the correct kinds of used paper. Robinson has also allocated storage space for recyclable materials that WLUSU will be collecting. A proposal for a pilot recycling pro- ject has been drawn up by Heidi Kostcnbauer, chairperson of the recycling committee working out of WLUSU. This proposal would initiate a recycling program for materials such as cans, botUes and newsprint. These materials would be col- lected from bins in the Campus Centre, the Torque Room and Clara Conrad Hall on a regular basis by volunteers, and stored in a garage at 26 Bricker Street. Kostenbauer has also suggested in her proposal that WLUSU hire a truck-owner to transport the recyclable materials from storage to the recycling company. Tri-tech, the recycling com- pany, will not come on campus to pick up the material. The transportation factor is one problem that WLUSU and the ad- ministration have had to deal with. Another is that faculty members have expressed concerns in dealing with confidentiality in respect to examination papers. This may be dealt with by the purchase of shred- ding machines by the university. The money for this will come from various sources. WLU will undergo start-up costs, but the program should turn out to be a finan- cial investment in the long term, as there should be a substantial decrease in the amount of waste material that the university will have to dispose of. WLUSU will have the possibility of provincial and regional grants at their wherewithal to cover some of its costs. Pilot projects have been initialed by Heidi Kostenbauer, and also by the Psychology and Religion and Culture departments and by the Cord Weekly on campus; they rely on staff and student volunteers to pick up the recyclable materials from various bins. Stuart Lewis, WLUSU Vice-president: University Affairs, said that one reason a recycling program has taken so long to implement is that it has to be done correctly. "If the program is not running well, people won't participate. We have to make it easy for them." Both Lewis and Wes Robinson said that the most important factor Look, this picture really reminded the news editor of the 1980s for some reason. Maybe the sad with recycling is that students must be educated about the program in it's little of coffee, maybe the withered roses, possibly the stained mattress — what better symbol of order to make it work. This would involve knowing what products are cup the 1980s then a mattress, we ask? -- but whatever it was, we suggest you look at this pic- recyclable. A promotional program will presumably be up to stained ture long and hard. And if tears only come, they would. (J. Hamish Waffleiron photo) WLUSU to design and distribute. could MP McLean visits Laurier UN club KEVIN VAUGHAN pertinent documents concern- regarding the reorganization of Incidentally, for those who In order for such an undertak- Cord Weekly ing Namibia, Southern Africa, SWAPO and the vote counting may not know, a reorganized ing to proceed, a coalition November 22 saw Water- Apartheid and the effective- SWAPO won the majority of strategies in Namibia. The must now be formed. loo Member of Parliament ness of sanctions against seats in the election. However, two-and-a-half hour "meeting" If interest permits, McLean Walter McLean (PC) give an South Africa. a two-third which Included were adjourned with a few conclud- majority informal address to the Wilfrid McLean's speaking notes from would have given them sole will be requested to return for Laurier University United Na- his addresses on aparthied to ing remarks and encourage- authority to design a Namibian a second engagement next tions Association (WLUUNA) the General Assembly in New ment from McLean. Constitution was not achieved. term. and other interested persons. York, November 9, 1989. The address was announced McLean offered an over- What's in new on short notice due to the view of the U.N. supervisor of up the year in news for whatever percentage of you out there tentative arrangements and the Namibian elections, as who actually read it? Well, I'm toying with the idea of a weekly national- McLean's active schedule. well as some insight into the international news roundup column -- I've been told by a couple of people A small but vocal faction impact of East Bloc reforms that they don't keep up on 'real' news anymore, and wouldn't mind some- ten of students listened intent- on the effectiveness of the thing like this. A cross-country campus news column might also be nice. ly to the remarks of Canada's U.N. Those present were Truth to tell, while I've been surprised beyond belief at the number of Representative to the Plenary treated to an intriguing ac- of the 44th Session of the count of the developments writers who've come out, the section still wants more. Believe it or not, news United Nations General As- regarding the Namibian elec- writing can be the best practice in writing you'll ever get...but I'm grovell- sembly. tion and the factions involved. ing. Also, knock wood, we'll have a spanking new Associate News Editor After introductions and Canada's contributions coine January. Anyway, drive safely and if you're going to drink a lot, be small talk, McLean provided were duly noted, and a few sure to invite me. those in attendance with questions were entertained The Cord Weekly 4 Thursday November 30, 1989 bill needle THIS IS IT I bill needle's Biorhythm I'm really sorry for all the And I'm sorry some people concert instead of giving to things I've said in a this column tried to hide me behind the facade charity. And they're really good, over the past ten weeks. I don't of satire. I know now that some and they give money to lots of know what came -- over me. It's things sexism, nuclear war, needy people. I hear the sort of soup in like that Star Trek episode -- P) overpopulation, necrophilia soup kitchens is really good, too, Captain where Kirk gets replaced shouldn't be satirized. And which is nice, especially by evil at his twin. Bad. Really bad. anyway, none of this was satire -- Christmas. Not nice. everything said in my column And I want you to be kind to It's so hard when you sit was serious. Dead serious. animals this Christmas. Animals down at the keyboard to think of Stuart Lewis, who is just are good. They don't hurt people, things to write. Really hard. And about the most neatest person in except for that elephant at the Af- every I wrote time something, it the world, suggested to my editor rican Lion Safari that crushed that was like something weird was that I write about relevant topics, guy, but that was just a fluke. happening. Scary. Like a taking instead of about the stuff I've Elephants are too nice to do poop out of my fingertips. written about. He believes that I things like that on a regular basis. Oh. I've done it again. I'm could be a positive force for good I know. I've read all those Babar \ sorry if that offended anyone out I to master if learn how my evil books. Animals are good, and there. And if it threatened the heterosexist ways. So, what with should never be hurt. Never. That JL right to life and liberty of some- Christmas coming up, I'm going would be bad. one out there who just to try. happens to Also, I want everyone out poop out fingers, First don't of their I didn't off, I want anyone there to be clear in everything mean to. Please. Please stop writ- out there to drink and drive this they say and do. People some- ing those nasty letters. And those Christmas or New Year's. If you times take offense at things that nasty articles. get killed -- or us, kill God help a you say and write which were in- bunch of innocents - I'm sorry. Nothing should be well, that tended to suggest something else. offensive. Nothing. would be really bad. Really m v* bad. I now know that this is not the I know nothing I wrote really thing that So don't. It is a bad fault of the reader and the furtny to at was in the least. I know do. Not nice all. listener, but of the writer that I and the seemed sexist and boorish I also don't want you to speaker. I apologize because I all and rude. didn't mean to. I real- neglect the wonderful charities Martin Scorsese John ly created didn't. Please forgive me Peter that exist, and need your kind Hinckley when he directed Elvy, Jennifer Taxi Rodgers, Anna help this Christmas. The United Driver, and because Toth and all you the fault other good folk Way is really nice. So is the Sal- wasn't in Ted Bundy, but in the CHANCE - LAST out there who objected and vation Army. And the Salvation pornography he read. I'm sorry. rightly -- to so what I wrote. I Army people know how to play If only people weren't so really am sorry. Really sorry. So musical instruments, so it's al- stupid and close-minded...but TO BASH sorry. most like buying a ticket to a rock that's an unchangeable. I realize now that I must not offend, be- Bill Needle's Biorhythm won't return next term ...however, Bill cause to be offended is bad. will be back in a new column called 'Bill Needle's Happy Talk.' People should always be The title of the first column will be happy. 'The Pros and Cons of Assas- That's the kind of world sination.' See ya! we need. THIS WEEK A nice world. Really nice. And for Heaven's sake, avoid sexist language and sexist ways. I know. I was sexist once. That was AT THE —zn bad. Really bad. So now I'm careful to call manholes 'personholes' and things like that. UNIVERSITY [wSfl It's bad to be heterosexist, be- FACULTY OF BUSINESS cause it makes you into a bad per- son. And people write nasty let- ters to you, and call you 'Noodlehead,' and are really McMASTER's Master of Business Administration program mean and I'm sorry. provides a balance between broad coverage in all business I was thinking about One areas and in-depth specialization in the subject areas of the TURRET student's choice. Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest the other day, and how bad a movie it We offer THREE options to students interested in pursuing MBA was, because it made fun of crazy studies: people, and because Jack Nichol- son caused so much trouble in it ALL WELL for Nurse Ratchet, who only r\n Provides the opportunity to enhance academic wanted the best thing for all the LU-Ul learning with "hands-on" experience in a variety patients. of business environments. Three paid work terms alternate with four study terms over a 28 month Now it makes me happy, period. thinking about it, that Jack DON'T MISS IT Develops career knowledge and practical business Nicholson was given a lobotomy skills, which assists the student in obtaining more in that movie, because he was bad meaningful employment after graduation. and made the patients uncomfort- CI 111 -T|MF ls normally completed in 2 academic years but able. What a happy movie. Very may require shorter period for students qualifying happy. Really nice. We need for credits. more movies like that, where the McMaster M.BA. may also be obtained bad people are lobotomized so PART-TIMEl / il\ l l lIYIL part-time study, taking up to two courses they can't think their bad per term, three terms per year. thoughts any more. That's a world worth fighting for. I know now. It is good to be simple and simple to be good. For more information and application materials, call or write: Very good. Very simple. DIRECTOR OF GRADUATE ADMISSIONS Very nice. Faculty of Business, McMaster University Kenneth Taylor Hall 118 1280 Main Street West Dill Needle's column never in any Hamilton, Ontario LBS 4M4 way reflects the opinions of anyone (416)525-9140, Ext. 4433 on the Cord staff, WLUSP, WLUSU, John Weir or even the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. And he will be 'back next term, so stay tuned. We were thinking of getting Socrates in- stead, but he is dead. The Cord Weekly news 5 Thursday November 30, 1989. Temagami and the Innu: Human rights abuses notforeign to Canada the Ontario government requested, Now, in 1989, the Canadian CATHY MERRIMAN wilderness area, the Bear Island against Teme-Augama Anish- and was granted an injunction proposing to build News Analysis natives of the Teme-Augama nabai people. For years they have government is against these blockades of the a NATO base in Goose Bay, Many people consider Canada Anishnabai band have squared off fought their court battles solely and log- with money donated by sup- logging road. This should have Labrador. This would cause the to be a shining example of a just against the government The the log- been surprising since the natives' low-level flights over Nitassianan society, a model for other nations ging companies. Each side claims porters. province and the request for an injunction had al- to increase from 8,000 per year to as abusers of human ownership to an area containing gers, in contrast, have support well-known ready been turned down. But un- 40,000 per year. rights. Yet Canadian governments important stands of old growth of taxpayers' money and a fortunately it was a predictable, if As happened to the natives of have an appalling record, past and pine forest. government ministry behind outrageous, move by the govern- Innu have been present, of denial of justice to the Each group is fighting for its them. Temagami, the ment. legal rights to chal- native peoples of this land. rights to carry out its business on At present the Teme-Augama denied their The balance of political and lenge government actions. Our governments on various that land. For the natives, this Anishnabai have a land claim be- the power was already gro- The government set up hearings levels retain the racist attitudes of means leading a fairly traditional fore the courts. Earlier this fall, economic in favour of the loggers to determine the impacts of the the first Europeans who settled way of life based on hunting and they requested an injunction to tesquely and the government. Distorting flights, but would not here. Rather than viewing the trapping, and having the legal stop work on the extension of the low-level the balance of legal power as well allow the Innu to cross-examine original inhabitants of this land as right to administer land which Red Squirrel logging road, at sense, in the twisted logic military 'experts'. possessing cultures worthy of they have inhabited for thousands least until the question of owner- made their of our racist, colonialist govern- These 'experts' claim that the respect and equality, it appears of years. For the logging com- ship of this land is settled. The flights have no environmental or that our government sees natives panies, this means harvesting the court denied this request. ment. legal A second example of twisted psychological impact. The Innu, as a hindrance to progress and valuable lumber in the area, Robbed of power to stop government independent profit-making. which they have occupied for what they consider trespass, the logic calls an area meanwhile, have ex- people willing to Two examples of these atti- only a few decades. natives were willing to risk their that is home to 10,000 perts who are testify im- have appeared in the news Politically and economically bodies and their freedom to fight 'uninhabited'. The wilds of that there are in fact serious tudes and but they been denied recently. In the Temagami speaking, the cards are stacked for their rights. This month the Labrador central Quebec pacts, have have been used by the govern- adequate funding to hire them. ments of Great Britain, the United This is not how a fair country is ' States, the Netherlands and West run. Germany as test ranges for bomb- The problems that I have ers and low-flying supersonic stated have nothing to do with Campus jets. The Innu natives have in- which side is right. No matte, habited these areas for thousands which side you agree with, it i ' of years, leading peaceful, semi- clear that injustice is being pej r nomadic lives. Throughout the petuated by our governmem- c they have been these peoples. Tht 1980's protesting against native • the military actions allowed by wealthy, powerful side in eaci Pt\athiacy government over the Canadian Nitassinan, as the Innu call their Continued on Page 7 homeland. the I • FULL PRESCRIPTION SERVICE I I • ALL MAJOR DRUG PLANS I SUNSHINE! I • AREA WIDE DELIVERY AT I #Give I NO CHARGE I CHRISTMAS SPECIAL • I CRUTCHES AVAILABLE I O. 10 SESSIONS FOR $49.00 I MONDAY • FRIDAY 9-9, SATURDAY 10-6 I First Tan Free In 160 UNIVERSITY W. 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Valid ai an> "TtlV The Country's Best AND OF OF OUR I WITH THE PURCHASE .ANY LUNCH SPECIALS, j E 6 Thursday November 30, 1989. •news - Society fights against it: Limestone quarries destroy Niagara escarpment DEBRA SHEEHAN News Feature outlier dried up. many have not taken and KEEP the NEC to the ing, they are extremely suscep- oe purchased the WLU How many times have you yet recovered, and residents have Supreme in Book- Court of Canada, calling tible to such tactics. store, as can posters. heard reports about environmen- been forced to get their water for a judicial Sweatshirts review into the are also available, designed tal degradation and the precarious from other sources. Many suspect By acting before LAC to have all by biased treatment it has received. Dr. Guenther and available state of the Earth, and yet their water problems are a the land redesignated, rather than from result him at his office at skeptical about the ex- of Although the legal and reacting to a proposal by LAC, 32 Bricker remained excessive quarrying. Street. tent of our plight? It's easy to dis- In 1986 LAC Ltd., bureaucratic details are quite KEEP will, if successful, estab- Minerals complex, The University of Waterloo associate one"s self from owner of Milton Limestone, pur- essentially LAC's lish a precedent for environmen- is strategy sponsoring a day-long deforestation in South America or chased an adjoining piece of land is to exhaust KEEP's tal groups across Canada. How- conference finances, on the Niagara Escarpment — — Plan from holes in the ozone layer. 389 acres worth with plans to preventing continued ever, to continue to fight LAC on November 30 (today). For However, as resident of Milton quarry it as well. If they so, fur- do opposition to the destruction of Minerals and to push for redesig- ther information about this are well aware, environmental the damage to the environment event, the escarpment. Since environ- nation of the outlier, KEEP must contact Environmental destruction is a local problem. could be devastating. Studies at mental groups have little or no raise funds. the U of W, 885-1211 Milton, located between In an attempt to prevent extension LAC access to large amounts of fund- KEEP Christmas cards may Waterloo and Toronto, is located Minerals from quarrying this 3621. on a portion of the Niagara es- land, KEEP has applied to the carpment rich in wildlife, Niagara Escarpment Commission hardwood forests, exposed scarp- (NEC), a regulatory body in rock, historical sights and unique charge of conserving and preserv- plant species. Seventeen months ing the Niagara escarpment, for ago concerned citizens from in an amendment to the Niagara Es- and around Milton formed Keep carpment Plan (NEP). the Escarpment Environment Pro- The NEP specifies land desig- tected (KEEP) after noticing ex- nations for the Niagara escarp- cavations being done on top of ment. Presently, much of the the Milton outlier. I learned from Milton outlier is designated one KEEP member, Dr. Mathias 'Escarpment Rural' - that is, fair- Guenther, a professor of ly intensive farming and light in- anthropology at WLU, about dustry are permitted. However, quarrying on the outlier and the KEEP wants to have the land harmful effects this has on the en- redesignated to 'Escarpment Pro- vironment. tected' (light farming, residential Since 1969, Milton Limestone building) and 'Escarpment Natu- has quarried on a portion of the ral' (no development). LAC outlier, removing limestone — Minerals has also appealed to about 85 feet in depth — and have a large portion of the land destroying everything above- redesignated - to 'Mineral Ex- ground. Moreover, to keep the traction', the most destructive quarry dry they pump out the sub- designation. terranean water, about 250,000 To date KEEP has triumphed imperial gallons daily. This at every stage in the amendment This is a sample of the artwork on the KEEP postcard. (Art by Mathias Guenther) spring a number of wells on the process. However, LAC has now Parkdale Plaza II 746-4220 Kitchener // / 607 King West AJ yJ ft 'J THEY'RE 578-5050 r VU Kitchener n ! 210 Lorraine lj 112 741-1119 — ~~ HERE... Kitchener [J \ ~~~TjT 741-5050 ■B Hi ■ VALUABLE COUPON ■ BB BB Bi BB ■ VALUABLE COUPON ■ BB BH YES, THE 1988 -1989 KEYSTONE WILL I TWO TWO i ARRIVE ONDECEMBER 18,1989. ii THEY CAN BE PICKED UP IN THE ■ SMALL ii \ CONCOURSE ON DECEMBER 18AND MEDIUM DECEMBER 19, FROM 12 P.M. TO \ [I PIZZAS 4 P.M. REMEMBER TO BRING YOUR PIZZAS RECEIPT OR STUDENT ID CARD. with cheese and 1 topping* _ with cheese and 1 topping* I | IF YOU HA VE NOT YET PURCHASED A : KEYSTONE, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO $6^9:: sgjs; DO SO ON DECMEMBER 18 AND 19, THE PRICE BEING $20.00. Vour Choice: Your Choice: l " • • • l • FlizalPizjusl mm One of eachl PaniPan!'* • PlzzalPizza!" mm « • One of each! • PanlPan! ag> Extra toppings available at additional cost B I Extra toppings available at additional cost B Valid only with coupon at participating Little Caesars | B Valid only with coupon at part c.ipatirvJ L.t'c C ae*;r, B _ "Excludes extra cheese _ _ "EOu-ies extra cheese November 30/1989 | B November 30/1989 I©EMIk ii <©IWsjSlg ® 1989 Little Caesar Enterprises Inc. B B -s 1989 Little Caesar Enterprises, nc 9 COUPON COUPON L?BB I VALUABLE B BH IB Hi BB I VALUABLE SS WM. _ The Cord Weekly -mzus- 7 Thursday November 30, 1989. To live is to battle with trolls... To live is to battle with trolls, essays due before the end of the yourself, and fur those few beasts. People worth putting your cause to do otherwise is moral In the caverns of heart and head. term. I'll get them done, but I 'outsiders' who actually do ap- trust in almost never do. cowardice of the worst sort. If To write is to sit in judgment over won't spend as much time on preciate what you do. You are I do the paper because I love you're scared, in Canada 1989, to one's self, them as I'd like to. playing for love — as Plato noted, newspapers, and the people you find your voice, then it is time to -- As God does, judging the dead. - But it's not something I dwell armies fight a lot better on love find around newspapers, and the grow up after all, you're not Hcnrik Ibsen on too long, because I found out then they do on fear - but it isn't result when the paper finally facing the mortal danger which quite a while why I do this sort of really a love of ideals. It's a love comes out on Thursday. There is either Socrates or Solzhenitsyn JONATHAN STOVER thing. In grade 10, actually, in of teammates, and of the team it- an implicit responsibility in doing faced. From the Editor's Desk junior football. self, and of what can be accom- any newspaper that you'll do And so, for the magic of It's past one o'clock Wednes- When you play any team plished when you work together. your best to present both fact and words and of newspapers and of day morning as I sit writing this, sport, eventually I think most It's a selfish thing to say, but opinion and all the fuzzy regions friendship and love, I sit here at and the newspaper is far from people come to lhe realization it is true -- there isn't a person up in between, and that contract is in one o'clock. And it is worth any done. I think we'll be done that you don't play for 'the at the Cord who is doing this first part with the paper's constituency number of honouraria, and all the around six a.m. (knock wood), school' or 'the town.' The crowd and foremost for 'Laurier,' or for - but it's already signed inside of heartache and pain it puts me which means that most of us will, will delight in your victories, but 'the student body.' If they did, you if it lias any worth at all. through sometimes. as on most production days, put they'll drop you as soon as you they would be fools -- you put And you do it for everyone Merry Christmas to all, and to in a 16-hour Tuesday. lose. your trust in people and, some- who isn't afraid to let his or her all a good night. I sometimes wonder why I do What you play for, in those times, in ideals worth trusting in. voice be heard. Words are power- this. The Cord cost me a $3200 rare instances when 'it' really Institutions will always let you ful, even in the hands of novices scholarship last year. I have three happens, is for the team, and for down -- it's the nature of the like myself, and so we write, be- Temagami, Innu flights DECISIONS. are unjust Continued from Page 5 conflict is well served by the legal system, while the "un- derdogs" fight vainly to have DECISIONS. their say, armed only with determination and donations. Then again, maybe it does have something to do with who is right. Perhaps the governments are afraid to let the native people have their say, to have their fair day in court. Because if this op- portunity were granted, perhaps we would see that public opinion would support the natives and demand that the governments back down from their profit- making plans. We are facing a bleak en- vironmental future as we enter the 1990'5, and our governments have at least these two op- portunities to show that they are willing to act on rhetorical con- ccrns about the environment and native rights. So far they have not. GREAT GRAD Choose Sugarless Dentyne For Fresh Breath And PORTRAITS YOu Could Win One Of 10nips For 2 To Vail Or Rio! GREAT PRICES ' . Personalized sittings .Choice of Backgrounds .Convenient Appointments .Free Permanizing ■jf' \y .Photographed Elsewhere Canadi>n Holidays and don't look your best? • (deduct THEIR sitting from your order with us!) Choose between the slopes 01 \aii. Colorado or the be on your way to \AIL or RK )! Deposit vour entry in Destination of choice: surt ot Rio de Janeiro. Trip includes: Return * airtare. the ballot box at vour school newspaper office or mail Vail Colorado Rio de laneiro SUPER $ m | hotel transfers, .30 hotel accommodation and ski \ pass it to. Dentvne YAIL/RIO Sweepstakes. Pt Box '«>4iK. v SAVER Aft \ail only. • Simply complete this entry form and affix Kitchener, i Ontario N2G 4T2. SPECIAL *TU two ot - L PC Proots Purchase or reasonable hand Contest closes January 15. 1990 at 5.00 pm. School 2 Bxlo , 2- 5x7, 6-Wallets; draw n facsimile mechanically 5 proofs not reproduced from Draw to be held January 1990 Address any 1 31. flavour oi Sugarless Dentvne gum and vou could . " p, v — Dentyne" University Accach UPC proofs here. 1 ss Photographers Associates I SANS SUCRE- 258 King Street North ./.ls must pc , ancpted a> awarded Maximum retail value vbtHt no j-u }j contest rules are available at vour school newspaper oince or hy sending a Suite 12C i stamped, sell addressed envelope to: Waterloo, Dentvne \All. RIO Sweepstakes. PO. Box ! «>4IF. Kitchener. Ontario N2(J 4T2 Ontario N2S 2Y9 (519) 749-7000 The CHRISTMAS CLASSIFIEDS Cord Classifieds get results! Only 7 cents a word, submissions due Monday at noon ~ WRA . , GIFT ~,W I) .... „ J 0 • ope you all [ dividuais, Christmas gift wrap- ,. big 2-6! Your guys I of Bnush Columbia reached the very Merry sweauhirt.n . have a , Ctastmas and Accommodations ping ac locations ihroughoul ovc 0 Daoiel , and ''>0 Turret on Friday night. Has a wonderful New Year. Toronto. Oshawa, Mississauga, A|K,rew Good ?rc '" value, a reward V J Brampton and Hamilton. Man- ...... tQQfii H in . a-~, i. is available for whomever found MLXICO BEACH need it!). See ya 1990! ()N ™ E CHES | n wrJnnpr°« it. Please call Dave at 725-0460. BUMS Puerta Vallarta is HOT Anoushka , , tn m/hr ™!vClean, new, BE^parkmg, deck, • T.0.. PP . . drinks, No questions asked! and HAPPENING!! Free MFRRYmh,kky CHRISTMAS and a increase . chkisimas and a B-B-0 and more 24hourTTCto Wages proportionately „ c $450 Jan to hours worked. Full/part-time, In Mexico three things are HAPPY NEW YEAR from the downtown. available ud now' See triDS '90. Call Vicki (416) 699-0304 Dec. 1-23. Call (416)534-2617. cheap..Tequila, beer, and good CQRD Staff' after 6:oopm. limcs Los Cabos is 1116 ultimate needed to es- : BUST LOOSE t0 Mexico for VOLUNTEERS , Dana 746-5041. cx cr|e"cc - tablish one-on-one relationships P ding week or May. Puerta Val- HOUSING AVAILABLE from CHRISTMAS to all of with children and help build the MERRY 6 C Jan. to April. Four students SIGMA CHI welcomes newly mv staff in Wilfs and the Turret I r* u h' needed to sublet fully furnished self and eon- initiated pledge class BETA: chiles ; would like to tank all my friends u™T>ep saferis'^""vot 4380 ** ««««*»« «*• »PP<» ifp sync 'competition, WLU. Rent $250/mth. _ Lraig Dack Jody Falubiski U& walk from with baf operations. Most of all, scavenger laundry Tom Shiersch Garey marearita hunt and Building has facilities, WANTED: Enthusiastic students John [0 my giri friend and student man- ' Rob 746 a su- Todd Hayman Damon John much more Si great neighbours - and cool to promote Spring Break Sun and agers HAPPY HOLIDAYS! 7499 perintenent. Call 746-2816 for Ski trips. Earn free trips and com- PatHeffron Chris Tanser DANO more info. missions. Trips include Mexico, Simon Jimenez Rob Lunn ~ A WEEK IN THE SUN & fun Mexico is a ROOMMATES NEEDED - Daytona Beach, Quebec City and James Watson Jason Wood of Los Cabos sure Inhoc gentlemen, Historian • cure for the winter blahs. Total ONLY $180/mth + utlities, two many more. Call student travel into call Tyler 888-6J77. pa ckage incl . fllght) room taxes openings available in Jan, 5 mins. services #1 in student travel at 1- PUERTA and transfers. For more info call to WLU, parking, laundry 800-256-1799. VALLARTA: TO MY TWELVE SEXY and MEXICQ obscene for Tyler 888-6977 facilities,'partially furnished, STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Santas: Thanks the stuff my babes. cable paid for, microwave. Call need people. Lots of people. PUERTA VALLARTA: FREE outside door ANDREA: Yes you!! Who'd you Aubrey or Dave anytime. There are several positions open DRINKS! Have a great holiday and good think?! Well, your girls have Weekly '"Ok on all your exams. Bonus made it through their first term.... MATURE PERSON needed to in the Cord or the puERTA VALLARTA: sign up Don says dianks for everything, we tedroom apartment Keystone yearbook. Come up to mow!! Going Fast!! but did pass??? We just want 2 — share laree t(»! 111 miss you, Love Lisa. to wish a the offices to find out — you super wonderful 1m 4 minmel walk to WLU com newspaper it's about. PUERTA VALLARTA: Call Christmas and a Great New Year, entertainment system,«m What all CHRIS: Here's to you, Here's to plete nome , rhZ "Dana 746-5041. p /W Good luck on exams and we'll all academic productive environ- WANTED: Students for part- me. Best 01 rrienas,fricnrt we ll11 always ™ eet b& e ® 990 OtS of ment, laundry facilities. $200/mth position. Earn $500 to BLUEVALE BOYS: Bails, be. If we should ever disagree, ' time sales 10ve azß 9 Lonraapn complete. Call Mike at 747-5460. $2000/mth. No experience re- Vogse, Roar, The eighties are F@#*! to you, And here's to me. l~" W—"N quired. Full training provided. over, welcome to the nineties!! Dizzy LOS CABOS MEXICO -on the Merry Christmas a Beauda- - For appointment call Jim 658- and GREEN-FYED FIEND* (other BAJA Peninsula MEXICO'S cious New Year. R.E.D. best kept secret. The package _ - 1387. wise known as the CN Tower), $559. For Sale r A OFF-CAM X-MAS BASH!! Be Thanks for a great 1989 and mcl. taxes and transfers for n. at Phil's Grandson's Place everything else. I love you more call Tyler@ 888-6977 __ — — Ptf>rsntials ' TONITE for some Christmas than ever (except at Tickle Time) SAY YOU SAW YOUR PIC aucc! S2 00 members- non and we'll always be here. With [ TORE in the Cord? Come up to V : i '. I ■ s —— J TVDina/WOrdu c- ,u.i c . Prizes too your family. C ~ love from our offices and buy it! Smalli! -25 SHANNON of Core C: That girl Pmrpssina mwraaiuy I cenLs, Medium-50 cents, Large- has style. Hey Seus Mircemba. BABE Happy 7670th day of SDG - I don't think your as in- I $ — 1.00. Ask for Liza. Sh e pUts steam in a man's stride. >'our life, or Happy 21st Birthday nocent as you let on - but I don't My Love. ROB either. Do labs through 85 CENTS Double Spaced Page: CONDOMS - Avoid the risk of Mr. Roosevelt care your the rd 8:30 being caught without them, or the PRACTICAL & gags. S.S.: The end of term is here and JOKES A " ' '' ou owt Hen? resumes' embarrassment of being caught We have everything from fake we're still buddies! Glad you sur- e " u mor - Ureses also done. Wesmount-Erb your condoms —ex^™ with them! Carry dog doo to rubber chickens. Hand vived last year so we could be , 'lfea'* phon e 886-7153 discretely with SAFETY buzzers and Laughing bags, Gifts roomies!! Another S.S. FRAN: I hope you get a nice ' BRIEFS, the unique underwear and Novelties, 41 King St. N. in Surprise when you open your anc Y TAMMY TFN VVORDS FOR MONEY 1 Profe«- with the convenient condom Uptown Waterloo or 150 King St. eyes on Dec 9, 1989. Merry processing . ' DEB: Gooci pouch. Great gift item Spec, y m downtown Kitchener, 745- Christmas. K.K. luck on f, na i s! i Merry Christmas Telephone 742-4315 after 6:00 1 r Ue in 1Z S 1 and a Happy New Year! MEL TO LES, DISH, SWELLEN, p.m. "or more information. c' 112 °v, i for112 Send cheque or money order PEn PALS for North Americans. MO, DI, HENRY, MIKE, PS . ? en- . , . fast, d !,i°c Send self-addressed stamped t JOHN, BRIAN, BUDDIES and WORD PROCESSING: n n You broke my again butMhthi velope for details. Pen Pals Un- all my pals> M erry Christmas, accurate, will make spelling ufrnntbndge(P), mhki tim Ontario N3H4SI.— yOU limited, Box 6261, Station 'D\ .® good luck on exams. Yee Ha!! corrections. ] minor grammar (Afterf y l? h h I I NEED SOME CHRISTMAS Calgary. Alberta T2P 2CB. r; (English grad). Laser printer. Call D A ® Suzanne at 886-3857. | CONGRATULATIONS Sigma h K, H PEACE, JOY and LOVE dur- p umber, the toilet remains with a o'thrkt" Chi on a great "1" week. Christmas season. If you part. Love _ in g this broken M. „ MASMA% rAMnvCANDY WRFATHWREATH today!todav" IMPROVE YOURvr|l[ rGRADE!Anrl J froubk* by5v a possiblep oreg- your sweethearts, Delta Omega We're right on campus and all we H GREATEST MOMENTS IN Top quality typing, grammar and can a rnena at g , is Give us a . days notice! , need 3 at - corrected, OFF CAM; PoW er failure MAr WP(JT. spelling sentences be- - call at 884-1592 or 884-2078 Phil's year-end bash but we don't ~ smoothed. University area 885- wish you a very Merry We - tween 6-1 lpm. MAC 3 EAST: we still have know who's responsible 5952. St. Jacob's 664-3374. Christmas and an awesome New your undies!!!--Come and get maybe Eric and lan can help us ROLLING STONFS tickets Good them!! Luvß2Conrad. out Otey're not swinging Rea- one pair, great seats. 8.0. - call when from the rafters. sonable rates. Call 578-0961. Danny 746-8193. Reading week in Los Cabos Mex- Love B2 Conrad. ico. Total package $559 including - BETAS Congatulations and . ~x irFRRFAKFRS Yonr nicmros r. ppir a. Tn. ° 6 In h0C * n joke are in the WLUSU offices. Come 742-0657. Word Help HMCra VANTAGE: (.q and get them!! LV processing, resumes, application 77 ——— 112 - $ LOST: One ring 10k gold, Volunteers , letlcrs essays, reports, printing, NEED A D.J.? All types of black onyx stone with gold initial MON AMOUR: school's almost fivers, sums, banners, V ' cards. J ' music for all occasions: wed- "m" on it. Great sentimental done and I'll be home with you. dances BE A BIG SISTER! Call 743- dings, banquets, and floor vaiue . Reward offered. If found It's been tough but we'll survive. xyPING. Professional Word 5206 today. parties. Excellent rates!!! please call Mike 888-0227. You've been wonderful (in every pmr.po«,: n p Reasonable rates VOLUNTEERS are needed at C.RL IN PLRPLE: Tall Ca„ Heatht @ 888-.17. and T re New Year. To' someone IYPING Re bi-monthly and raising s made m Y verY Happy while then left, 4 sonable rates. Call 748-9635. fund 888-6130 ask WihiQ |h - 2 years' I lovelnve youvnn b-ihvbaby. bingos. If interested please call & Merry. LoK of love. Oraperoo Chnsat 885-6640 between 9& 5. HELEN: Though. I'd say hello, WORDPROCESSING Scripts A lT HfcUme of Kraft Dinner'or Puer'i Valuta fnot and Hap- 885-5971, 244 King St. N. Water- ® D '^snZs ' rnOKl.' & tpy" y° u could have the time of your pening!! Free drinks, lots of sun 100. King University, beside new concept TEX- Awaits' Merrv ChristmasChristmas. b Amazing . ife in Los Cabos Mexico. Phone tQns of fun!! Don>t miss out Forwclls. f ' MEX restauran openmg s°on. ~ Tyler at 888-6977. ' signb up now!! See trips booth in For a unique and rewarding expe- MERRY CHRISTMAS 746-5041. WORD PROCESSING. Fast, SEEKINGcffktnc co ncomse or call Dana nence call 570-2554 from 9-6pm. DESPERATELY KAREN!! I know the U.S. will accurate, and letter quality. Longhorn s for an interview. Texas Edmund!?!? Visit Phil tonite! see jng a lot of you over the DEBRA F : Good luck on Resumes, essays, theses, business King St.W. Christmas Merry a reports, etc. Free pick-up and Cafe, 667 CONGRATS to the Beta But- holidays! Have a good one. Your exams! Christmas and spending money for all! theads friend Nush. Happy New Year. Secret Santa delivery. Call Diane at 576-1284 The Cord Weekly 9 Thursday November 30,1989. Survey Poll Shows Here's ihe results of the survey poll taken in the Concourse last week. 132 people completed the 10. Increased equality 82% YES 26. An Adult/Mature Students Lounge 39% YES survey. People were asked to respond by indicating criticisms, compliments and their "Support For (YES)" or "Rejection of 11. An increased understanding of Arts and Busi- There were a few (NO)" the following visions. These visions were ness students' feelings and common interests. comments in relation to this survey. Most notable fact that some people compiled from the 6 interviews conducted for last 82% YES among the criticisms was the pcrceived the wording to be biased week's feature article entitled, Transforming of visions iMurier...CULTURE SHOCK From the Bottom- 12. Increased participation and input into university towards positive responses. Interestingly enough, Up. Interviewee's visions were in response to the decision-making processes. 82% YES that didn't stop people from circling "NO" question responses or leaving the item unanswered. Also, it 13. Student empowerment through active involve- is curious to me that people would come up with culture ment. 80% YES these "apple pie" visions, if, in fact, they felt these "How would Laurier's conditions already existed at Laurier. If they do ex- change in a way that better reflects 14. A university that makes time for culture. ist, then maybe most of us need enlightenment. your vision of how you would like it 80% YES I found the reactions to Bill Needle's column to be?" 15. A quality academic institution where all thought-provoking. The issue is very polarized. The are equally represented respected majority find the column offensive. Others believe The visions appearing in the list below are faculties and by each other. 79% YES that in allowing this form of free expression, we are ranked in order of the highest percentage of "YES" providing a forum for open debate and reaction and responses from top to bottom. medium is all about. light 16. An increased respect for individualism without that's what the In of this responsibilities. belief, I will use this opportunity to put my two VISIONS losing sight of our collective 77% YES cents in. If those who support the Bill Needle column can convince me that all people are ra- 1. A university that encourages involvement in ac- student newspaper reflects tional, that all people are responsible, that all tivities and organizations outside the classroom. 17. A that better both the views and opinions of the student population and people are independent thinkers, that all people are 92% YES the constitutional requirements for member mature and caring and objective enough to interpret papers of the Canadian University Press. his comments as coming from a "sicko" rather than 2. Increased accessibility for disabled persons. as a "role m0de1"...1 will change my opinion. 90% YES 76% YES 18. More cultural activities. 72% YES In relation to the vision for a Campus Day Care 3. Planned architecture and improved aesthetics of Centre or services. Did you know that Laurier is commonly used spaces and environments on 19. Less crude and more intelligent in the the only university in Ontario that has no such campus. 88% YES articles Cord. 72% YES arrangement? (Ontario Universities Benefits Sur- vey, Part 1,1988-89) 4. Increased emphasis on "Excellence in Teach- 20. Increased recognition and support of adult ma- ing." 86% YES ture students. 70% YES Finally, thanks to all who participated in the survey. To those who are actively organizing and 5. A university community where maturity is dialoguing about change, remember that we live in demonstrated by our ability to talk and listen and 21. Campus day care centre or services. 63% YES a democracy. And, although at times it may feel share. 86% YES like a dictatorship, the reality is that "If we lead, required first or second year course eventually, our leaders will follow." 6. Increased acceptance of and openness towards 22. A that deals in depth with issues environment, the discussion of values in relation to the press- such as the the ing issues of the day. 85% YES arms race, population, etc. 63% YES 23. mature 7. A university that models respect for our environ- Increased adult student enrollment. YES By Marie Molloy ment through the use of environmentally safe 55% eating utensils and dishes. 84% YES 24. The introduction of and into the 8. A university where people could plants dividers instigate Torque Room 51% YES thought-provoking change without being dis- criminated against. 83% YES 25. Live classical music at noon in the Concourse. 9. Less "separation" between disciplines. 83% YES 51% YES Feature THURSDAY R ™— PARTY NIQHTS SHOW YOURS AND SAVE IS) 255 KING STREET WEST. THE KING CENTRE, KITCHENER • TEL.: 576-7750 The Cord Weekly 10Thursday November 30, 1989. THE CORD WEEKLY 86 the 80s The eighties began enshrouded in a thick fog of pessimism after the world barely survived the disco era. What will the coming decade offer us, the world asked. Little did we know that the decade would bring giant leaps in global, national and local issues. But are they all good? The Challenger explosion proved to us all how, despite our attempts to break free from our earth-bom heritage and journey to the stars, we are still mortal after all. The death of a civilian school-teacher reminded us that all voyages are dangerous, and often exact tolls which we may at first be afraid to pay. People such as John Lennon and Olaf Palme showed us that standing up for peace can make one even more vulnerable to those forces. Ironically, one of the least-peaceful leaders was shot (Ronald Reagan), but lived. AIDS, the so-dubbed "Disease of the 80's", has brought gay rights to the forefront, but the powers-that-be were not moved to serious action until it became an ailment of "normal" people. The Chernobyl and Bhopal disasters made us feel uneasy about the technology we have harnessed, and aware of the un- limited power we possess to create and to destroy. The division between East and West conditionally closed by the end of the decade. "The Wall Must Go" and Perestroika be- came symbols for both combatants in the Cold War, with the go of to Library seeming crumbling communist regimes in most Eastern Smokers European countries indicative of the ever-decreasing gap. It has TO THE EDITOR: simply want a quiet place to write been four-and-one-half decades since a world war. Letters a letter or do homework, I hear I am not a smoker but I do be- the Library is a warm, quiet place At home, the patriation of our Constitution was easily the lieve that smokers have some to go. most significant positive event. Since then, Brian Mulroney rights. However, the right they do (who looked to be the saviour rising from the depths of im- not have is to infringe on my While WLUSU is not potent leaders such as Turner and Clark) has given us more - health or well-being. Editorto the representing the interests of all more PCB dumps, more taxes, more American cultural and students in this measure we are economic threats, more patronage, more political corruption at The TV Lounge, to which the As for the comments regard- trying to do what is responsible the highest levels. new WLUSU smoking policy is ing WLUSU attempting to simply and safe for all. It is too bad that essentially directed has become a promote more drinking in Wilfs, we aren't able to please everyone It suddenly became stylish to be an environmentalist. smoking pit. That lounge was this is absurd. The Students' with the smoking policy, but the Provincial and federal leaders made small moves toward solv- originally designed as a place for Union needs to make more interests of the vast majority are ing environmental problems - some were for show, others students to go and relax and money to survive (Wilfs lost represented. have already shown tangible results. Whether we'll all be dead watch TV. Over time the TV $8,000 last year for those who before we have the chance to see if the cautious reformers did Lounge has become a smoking don't know) and this is the reason Jeff Walters enough is still up for debate. lounge. Every other area of the for the changes in atmosphere Executive Vice-President school is already smoke-free and and marketing for Wilf's. If you WLUSU It was the "Conspicuous Consumption" generation. Yup- there is no reason why the Stu- pies. New Coke. VCRs. Dry beer. Oat Bran. Jeopardy. dents' Union Building should not up own mind Flavoured water. Scented Kleenex. be as well. During the summer, as Make your well as during the school year to And what about those musical martyrs who donated their a lesser extent, the TV Lounge about offensive articles vast talents to the poor, diseased, starving, dying and destitute has become a smoking haven for one make the decision them- - driving to benefit concerts in their limosines, Phil Collins DEAR EDITOR: staff and faculty. This lounge is selves. Hying across the Atlantic in a chartered Concorde to be at both not intended for them, it is for the I come from a middle class If individuals can make a nice, bunch of Live Aid concerts. What a generous, swell students. family, have a good sense of stand as to what they think is of- people. They sang a song to make the world feel better. worldly knowledge and I think of fensive, what about Picasso, myself as being fairly stable, not Stravinsky and Joyce. They were Expression through the written word became hazardous, — but Leave Bill alone naive to the world. pioneers in their era of life their this time for 'liberal' reasons - but it boiled down to the same My mother has been brilliance appreciated too late in ends as Stalin and Hitler and Bismarck and von Metternich DEAR EDITOR: employed in a leading American their lifetimes because they were worked towards, the suppression of free speech to protect hospital for the past 30 years in offensive. Why should we work 'society' from its detractors and loose screws. Think of Zundl, I'd like to commend all the the research department. She so hard to find out we may be of- Rushton, Rushdie...Needle? moral crusaders who have come comes home from work everyday fensive? forth on their white horses to telling us of the new develop- A new tee-shirt is out, it The 1980s. We're better for having met you, but next time clash rhetorical swords with the ments in Cancer research. Now reads,"UP-YOURS Western!! don't stay so long, okay? "Bill Needle" monster. How can according to new discoveries, Being offensive to Western, you people admit, on the one scientists have concluded that Don't print it!!or "Gryphons hand, that if you find the column what we eat causes cancer. So suck", is offensive to Guelph. Editorial opinions are approved by The Cord Weekly Editorial Board on behalf of offensive, you can choose to ig- now their concerns will be how to Now these comments don't just Cord staff and are independent of the University, the Students' Union and the Student nore it, yet on the other hand, you deal with world wide starvation. deal with the schools, but also Publications Board of Directors. want the column out of the paper Here at Laurier, we eat what their respective communities. order to protect ever we want, feelings EDITORIAL BOARD in others from its who's decision is it We've now hurt the of corrupt ways? If you spend half in the final say anyway!, we eat thousands of people. Am I getting Chris Starkey, Editor-in-Chief of the time attacking the issues what we want to. So, I guess its ridiculous enough for you. So is Jana Watson, Production Manager Jonathan Stover, News Editor that "Your Biorhythm" is ad- all up to us as individuals. It's our this issue. Elizabeth Chen, Features Editor Babe Ruth, Associate News Editor dressing as you do on your I came to Laurier to learn, my Brian Owen, Sports Editor Tony Burke, Scene Editor Bill choice. Needle witch hunt, your hunger Sexism at school have be- eyes, ears open, hands willing to The Cord Weekly is published during the fall and winter academic terms. Offices are for self-importance may soon be come an issue, we all have our learn. I believe we all will leave, located on the Second Floor of the Dan Dawson Draughtless, Nacholess, Popcomless, satiated. Laurier needs you. own opinions as to what is or hands lied, blindfolded and deaf at University and every popular beer-less Detox Centre Wilfrid Laurier University, 75 Society needs you. Please save us what isn't. You can read what to the world. W., Waterloo (519) 884-2990. The Cord Weekly is a tired, member of Ave. unkempt ever you want, nobody you Canadian University Press and the Ontario Community Newspaper Association. from ourselves. forces Copyright 1989, WLU Student Publications. No part of The Cord Weekly may be to read, or look at what you deem Pat Mitchell reproduced without the permission of the Editor-in -Chief. Steve Burke offensive to everyone. Let every- Honours Music The Cord Weekly 11 Thursday November 30, 1989. Christmas Lester-style EDITOR: ing stuffed with goodies. Can you So anyway, we'll get straight Question DEAR even imagine going through to the point. We've decided to Enough of the Panty Raid, childhood and never experience donate fifteen bucks a piece enough of Bill Needle (we used the wonder and excitement of towards buying toys for kids. We to think you were funny, now Christmas morning? We were know that there are a lot of you're boring), and enough of all trying to comprehend what our houses out there that could do the of the Week the b.s. over sexism on campus, childhoods would have been like same thing. Let's show K-W its almost December and that without Christmas morning as we what Christmas spirit is all about. means Christmas is coming, so strolled by the First Year Coun- It only takes a little to mean a lot. we at 307 Lester thought it would cil's Toy Drive boxes in the You can leave your donations be a good idea to get in the spirit. S.U.B. in the WLUSU offices, donate a. What significant event happened in the 80's? Did you ever wonder what it For all our bitching about how canned goods to local food banks b. What significant event happened to you in the 80's? would be like if Christmas were little money we have as univer- and toys to the FYC Toy Drive just another day? You know, you sity students, we can always find Boxes in the S.U.B. Don't let woke up in the morning and a way to but that extra draught or Christmas be just another day in By Karen Burke and Harvey Leung walked downstairs to grab a bowl Big Mac. It's hard enough some- the life of a kid! Give today! of soggy Shreddies instead of times providing for yourself but running downstairs to see a stock- what are you going to tell your Merry Christmas! kid when you can't afford to buy him/her even one gift for Christ- The Boys of 307 Lester Street Bring on the Atrium in mas. This is the situation facing Eldon, Jeff, Scott, John, Blake, a. Paul Dawson graduates DEAR EDITOR: many people in the K-W area. Doug, Pete this decade. b. Fish & Chip coupons from I am writing in response to the the Duke of Wellington. article on the Atrium. Obviously several guidelines have been Steve & Dave breached by the Atrium staff and Bill needs counselling Society to Protect Paul Dawson Mr. Hodge, but what I feel impor- tant is the idea behind the Atrium DEAR EDITOR ejaculation in a public forum. The and the incarceration of man needs counselling. not Mr. I'm not sure why I'm giving Hodge. I think of I think we are all aware of the purpose the "Bill Needle" the satisfaction of a Atrium is to inform its readers of where the male genitalia reside. I reaction but the time is over for business events don't need an update on its related and their ignoring shabby journalism and know whereabouts or activities. Un- effects on life as we it. The obnoxious mentality. I'm not a paper fortunately, someone mistakenly whole would be business prude or repressed; I've told a. I lost his virginity. orientated. The Cord tries to ser- convinced "Bill Needle" that his some reasonably foul jokes when b. And he lost mine. the population opinions were worth writing vice entire student under the influence, and I've got while the Atrium would provide down. It's too bad that his only & a sense of humour. But that's ex- Brad Moore Mark Malowski specific source of inspiration and information to a group of actly what "Bill 4th Year Honours Greco-Roman Needle's" creativity lies dormant staff and students. The Cord is column is lacking. It's not funny. with the Sports unable organs he writes so fondly about. to effectively cover busi- Call me crazy but I don't find a His column is useless. ness events because of its broad quarter-page report on kitchen focus. Also the Cord's track prophylactics amusing. record is very poor. The coverage It's just not to Kim Waller of business events and guest normal discuss the joys of fuzzy and 3rd Year English speakers at the school has been seat covers pathetic. The Cord, in my opinion, is a. The Hawk beat me in air not serious enough for a business Criminal charges to face hockey once. section. It seems as if the Cord b. The Hawk got a date. overrates themselves. They could vandals, thieves: DAC not produce the quality product Terry H. & Dirk H. and professional image much 3rd Year Bus & Phys. Ed needed by a paper. It's time for a DEAR EDITOR: dent body at large that this has change. Most of the other busi- become a very serious concern. ness school's have their own Over the past couple of To date, we have tried to handle business journal, why not here at months there has been an un- these problems internally and Laurier. I feel the Atrium will ful- usually high number of incidents avoid criminal charges. However, fill a need at Laurier for a busi- involving vandalism and petty we feel that we are perhaps not ness oriented newspaper. I also theft on campus. There are doing enough to deter these inci- hope the advertising issue be broken windows, furniture stolen dents and will, in the future, al- a. Legalized abortion. resolved. I also encourage the ef- from campus, coats, books and low criminal charges to be placed b. Legalized abortion. forts of Mr. Hodge. Maybe some- other personal items being taken against students where it is ap- day we will get a message from public areas, and, in general, propriate. This is certainly a last Henry, Morgen, & Taler 4th through the bureaucratic system a total lack ofregard for the prop- resort on our part but the prob- Year Immigrant Studies without getting stuck on tech- erty of others. The Dean's Ad- lems are accelerating beyond our nicalities. visory Council is dealing regu- control and they must be stopped. larly with these problems and we Jack TJ Smit would like to announce to the stu- Fred Nichols the university blues by Kevin Matchstick a. The 49er's won 3 super- bowls. b. My dog died? Sue Carlson 4th Year Econ a. Michael Wilson introduces G. S. T. b. My new econo-metrics prof can't speak English. Rod Tarajos 3rd year Hons. Econ The Cord Weekly Page 12 Thursday November 30, 1989. ------ questions is similar to asking the following: Do I turn left or right on King VIA cuts anger songsters to get to McDonald's? (Yes or No) DEAR EDITOR: the legends and the symbols that this steel road had become a part As you can see, by replying give us the tenuous connection of our culture. That lonesome Yes or No, one would not be able When the Via cutbacks were that we feel for one another. The train's whine has found its way to answer the question properly. announced, it took me a little thin unbroken rail line that into every songwriter's imagina I think you should consult while to understand why the news stretched coast to coast was the tion. The 'clickety-clack' of the At least give such professors as Dr. Marr, As angered me so much. I am not a first and remains the strongest tmin down the track is as personal sociate Dean of Graduate Studies, regular passenger train user, (I throughout the land that exist a sound as a heartbeat. It's part of who teaches students not to con guess not enough of us are), but only because they were accessible a sound that TAMARACK has us windows duct biased or misleading surveys somehow I felt personally vio by passenger train. Those milway tried to keep alive by singing DEAR EDITOR: in his Economics 280 class, or lated by this attack on a Canadian tics (which incidentally were songs and telling the stories of the I agree that non-smokers have Dr. Stewart, who so aptly pointed institution. I had become used to often made of TAMARACK common people who live along rights. When I am with someone out the survey's flaws, before the current government systemat wood) became truly 'ties that those tracks. Maybe if we sing who does not smoke, I ask if they conducting any further surveys or ically eliminating our economic bind'. The fact that it was pos those songs loud enough, Ottawa would mind if I light up. I believe before publishing the results of and cultural identity, but this new sible to board a train at one ocean will recognize that sometimes I should receive the same consid this last survey. move seemed to be aimed at and ride it to another without dreams and myths and our eration from non-smokers when Nonetheless, I commend you something closer to the soul of leaving one's homeland is an es heritage must come before eco· they enter one of the limited areas for trying to improve Wilfrid those who think of themselves as sential part of the Canadian my nomics. of smoking environments on Laurier University as a whole, Canadians. thology. It is in our songs and in TAMARACK is hosting 'RaJ· our dreams, and the fact that it is ly for Rails: A Day of National campus. Why is it then, that last ensuring it can become steeped in TAMARACK's music has for week at Wilfs my rights were tradition and honour. However, I not a part of the daily working Concern' on December 6th at the fircs,n a long time examined the 'soul' lives of many does not make it imposed upon by a non-smoker? again suggest you talk to such of this country. Both with our Ottawa Congress Centre. For in the Mid less vital to our national well millio A non-smoker chose to sit professionals as Dr. Marc or Dr. writing and our interpretations of formation on how you can help being. please call (519) 767-0142. Ethopia with an open window because she Stewart before proceeding any early Canadian folksongs, we found the smoke irritating. When try's fa further. have been discovering the myths, It is remarkable how much James Gordon I politely asked her to close it, she Good Luck in the future. a slow refused, stating that she had a A7 right to be there and after direct Sincerely Yours, ing her attention to the non Gerald Anderson smoking section, she became Fat bitchy and refused to move. As a Stark Raving result, others had to suffer in the Adopt a Ruskie The cau cold because she imposed her cent of rights over everyone's. By Chris Starkey by Uni There are many places for and gain a friend searcher. non-smokers to sit by a window I think DEAR SIRS: on campus. Wilf's is soon to be "Once you know you're going to eat humble pie, be the Cord's content policy. The duo from the meeting biologi the only place available for polite, and use a napkin, knife and fork so that it is easier with the Dean and two others came to the Cord staff PageA4 smokers to socialize, eat, drink or The request I appeal to you with is perhaps quite inappropriate and to S\val/ow and so that you can get every last morsel meeting and very effectively put across their views. I read, while they smoke. I would strange. Still I do not see any other cleanly. If you just dive in, it just gets all over your face didn't say much then, because my mind was already think it would be reasonable to al reasonable way to realize my pur and makes a bigger mess." made up. Coo low us a place to be without pose. Nan1dy I am looking for pen A Cord constitution had been drawn up in August being made to feel as second friends in Canada. It is a very compli I don't know if this is original or not (I've never with the intent to have it in place by Christmas (it was Canadia class citizens stripped of our cated problem in the USSR because heard it before and it seems too long to be a quotable one of the points in my EIC platform). and had been put Cochran rights. finding addresses is impossible. So quote) but I think it is an appropriate way to start. on the back burners for no particular reason. As I have features called 'perestroika' has not changed The Cord has taken a somewhat cavalier approach in assured several people, it will be discussed and passed of his fa its past policies on submissions e.g. the recent furor over before the next Cord is published. Cathy Kelly the situation in this field. Of course it Page D3 is not your charge at· all to help the "llill Needle" column. The column intends to stimu I would like to thank those who took their concerns "Soviets" in fmding penfriends. But I late debate, to get people off their mental asses and see to myself or AI personally. Your voice has been heard. Culture survey still hope you can do the favour of the Judicrousy of some of the viewpoints expressed. As for my friends who feel that the K-W Record decides handing this Jetter over to the stu When I read Bill Needle, that's what I read. The column policies on campus, I hope you don't take any credit for has provoked debate, but unfortunately, it has not been of dents of your university who would this column. Your actions just made me even more d1e positive kind. like to correspond with me. defensive. needed pros I was under the impression that there were equal Here is some basic information I am sorry for causing undue grief to the following numbers of people who liked and disliked Bill's work. about myself: I am a young man of people: AI Strathdee, Dean Fred Nichols, AssociatcJ v. TO THE EDITOR OF THE The Cord cannot keep everyone happy. Near the end of 20, a second-year student of econom P: Jim Wilgar, Dr. Jolm Weir and the Cord staff. You CORD: dte term, though, as Bill's material seemed to be centred ics at Tartu University, Estonia. My shouldered a good deal of the burden d1at my lack of sphere of interests is quite large and around the potential shock value and not healthy debate, I sensitivity or editorial control inflicted on those higher· In regards to the questionnaire realized that a change was not just a worthwhile sugges multifario~: music (Depeche Mode, ups in dw WLU community that must protect the image that your organization put out last U2, Dire Straits etc.), wildlife, tion anymore-- it was necessary. of the place. I'm not here next year. but WLU and the week, I found a major flaw in travelling, computers, economic and My mind changed through talking with several Cord will, and I have learned to respect the responsibility your surveying techniques. That political problems. Languages: people. I sat at a booth in the Concourse last Thursday that the Editor of the Cord holds. I will not disappoint problem was the questions you English, Finnish, Estonian and Rus and listened to about 40 students. I read 90 surveys. But you. d1at wasn't what convinced me -- that just re-iterated asked. sian. I would especially like to cor Most of all, I would like to apologize to anyone who what I had heard the week before. Both Dr. Stewart and myself respond with people who study found any Cord material over the last three months Two concerned students, whom I both knew (recog racist, sexist or homophobic. The proposed constitution noticed that the questions you similar specialities to mine. I hope of your obligingness. nized) were in Dean Nichols' office and the Dean asked will ensure that these violations of personal rights will asked were either biased in na WLUSU President AI Strathdee and I to talk with them. not be repeated. As a "privileged" WASP male, I haven't ture, trying to influence the reply Sincerely This pair did d1eir best just to be upset, but they were been exposed to the situations that may have triggered or given by all respondents, or they visiLly incensed with the whole matter. AI told me of fostered unpleasant experiences. I ask that you help the were asking two separate ques Toivo Kiiver other persons that had visited him with complaints about Cord staff and I make the Cord a paper in which tions at the same time. Jaane 12-16 EVERYONE at WLU can take pride. For example, one of your Kuuralu 203014 SAN FRANCES "The 33 University Ave. E. Waterloo. 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You could pialidosis. be holding one of his in the old kiln. PAGE E5 500 DUCATS I PAGE G8 Briefly Killer Casper is Nichols great dead Shakespeare WLU Dean of Students Fred Nichols puts out three houses By Jack Napier figure with a sword, all white and fires, negotiates a lasting peace in Wretched staff spooky," said Ashley Abbot, a the Middle East and gives three prostitute who was speaking to million tonnes of wheat to In the aftermath of a bizarre West at the time. Ethopia in order to end that coun- series of strange happenings, ex- During police questioning, try's famine Wednesday. "It was perts have determined that Casper Ms. Abbot described what she a slow day," Deano notes. Page the so-called "Friendly Ghost" is saw: "The thing, I guess it was a A7 actually the metaphysical ghost, just appeared and ran the manifestation of the spirit of the guy through with the sword. It beloved playwright William was sick. The ghost looked real Fatal vision Shakespeare. happy about it though. Then it It started with the brutal mur- said 'how now rat, dead in a The cause of a whopping 99.9 per der last Friday of Sancho bucket,' or something like that, cent of all fatalities is discovered Rodriguez, a 19-year-old coffee- and disappeared. Really fucked by Univerity of Waterloo re- picker in Colombia. The boy had up my evening." searchers. "It's called 'Death' and been smothered with a pillow. A witness at the scene, 42- Experts now believe that what I think we have it pinned down," spook really year-old celebrity Juan Valdez the homicidal said biologist Skip Bittman says. was "how now, a rat — for a gave a description of what he dead Page A45 Hamlet saw. "It was a white, shadowy ducat!" a quote from killed figure, just sort of floating there. when the title character Polonius through a curtain. Cochrane hole It had a really big head. Round like a soccer ball. Huge smile, After that, reports flooded in Canadian singer-songwriter Tom you know? Well it popped up be- from around the globe about Cochrane's face implodes, as his hind poor Sancho, whipped out a similar incidents involving the people by a murders of various — features collapse into the middle really big fluffy pillow, and Casper the ghost isn't so friendly anymore he's gone on a nether worldly being who quoted of his face, creating a black hole. started to smother him shouting killing spree that suggests that he is the ghost of William something like 'isotoner, lines of killers in Shakespearian Page D 3 or possibly Francis Bacon. John smaiibeniw isotoner.'" plays. Shakespeare, It is believed that the killer Piecing together descriptions was Casper/Shakespeare, mutter- experts have positively identified ing the lines "Desdemona! Des- the murderer as Casper. "It had us Weather demona!" from his play Othello stumper for a while," said Jani Berlin shrubbery? Tomorrow and tomorrow and while using the modus operandi Vomit, expert, "but the only pos- tomorrow creeps in the thunder- of the murderous title character. sible conclusion is that Casper is By Frank Lloyd Wright from USA Today asked Kohl heads until the last syllable of this In a related incident the next Shakespeare." Neuter Wire Service whether he thought a reunited week. Page A 42 day, 24-year-old Wally West was "I always knew it," said Paul Germany would have a shot at an smitten down by a similar appari- McCartney after hearing the NFL franchise before the end of tion in Des Moines, Idaho. West news. "I never liked that damn The Berlin Wall is gone. And the century. Kohl declined to was killed by a "short, big-headed ghost." in its place? comment on that, but did say that "We're thinking of putting in he thought Joe Montana was the a lovely shrubbery," said East finest quarterback to ever strap on German Minister of Walls and shoulder pads. Hedges Vic Arpeggio. President Bush is uncertain The shrubbery, once com- whether the shrubbery would put pleted, would stretch for dozens an end to East-West tensions, but of miles across the German ter- said that he was "optimistic" that rain, said Arpeggio. "It would be a shrubbery was a step in the about three feet high, and would right direction. "In time, perhaps,; have lovely little picket fence even the shrubbery will fall, to gates at every border crossing. leave Germany strong and united We think it would fit in with the once again, but only time will new 'open' Germany." tell. Thousand points of light, However, West German slay the middle course, doing that Chancellor Helmut Kohl is as yet glasnost thing..." said President unconvinced. "A shrubbery? Why Bush. we won't settle for anything less Prime Minister Mulroney was than a wall of herring at least four personally pleased with the foot high," Kohl stated grumpily shrubbery plan. "I'm personally after being roused from his bed to pleased with the shrubbery plan," answer snippy, self-important Mulroney said. questioning from a variety of Spain's Generalissimo Fran- news reporters. cisco Franco was unavailable for For instance, the reporter comment because he is still dead. Index Space laxatives threaten universe Ask Bemie Parent A34 Virgin Births Al2 (CPU) -- Astronomers have dis- you could read 'Ex-lax' written Troubled Waters 812 covered massive laxatives, on the sides of these massive Guacamole 852 It Really Declassified ads C4 hundreds of times the size of our boxes. looks bad. bad. More bad comics X 9 sun, falling into the black hole at The whole bloody black hole Flaming Carrot 869 the centre of our galaxy. could turn inside out!" God is dead K9 NASA is preparing a shuttle So is Anwar Sadat Z33 And it could all lead to the equipped with a giant plug on its Bobbing for babies YlO biggest bang since the first one, nose in a last ditch effort to fore- Where was George? 856 After major plastic surgery Prime Minister Brian Mulroney Ghost in Machine according to University of Water- stall universal chaos, but accord- 856 sex to Closed for repairs 856 and Milti have found their life be even better than ever. loo scientist Norman Rockwell. ing to project director Neil 'Buzz' Cookie Puss 856 "Thank god that ghastly chin is gone," Mila said, just before "The massive Palomar telescope Piatkowski, it could be months Gourmet Gamboling 856 Brian gave her a hickey she won't forget. John Bigbootifis showed them to us clear as day — before the giant plug is ready. The K-W Wretched 2 Thursday November 30, 1989 God is back! By Nick Norway as you Americans might say. We world, God answered questions Pewter wire service give up!" from reporters from across the Bush, Gorbachev and God globe. While apparently fluent in In a shocking move, God has then adjourned to a private room, all languages, the deity refused to thrown his hat into the political where they began hammering out answer in anything other than arena. what turned out to be a new map English, saying that English was And it turns out that God is a of the world, similar to the map "just about the best language in Republican. of Europe hammered out by the the universe -- and I sure well Appearing at a press confer- Allies at the conclusion of World should know, old hoss!" ence held on the island of Malta War Two. God cleared up a lot of ques- yesterday, where Soviet-U.S. The new map is fairly basic. tions about the universe, includ- peace talks were to be held, God God said that the United States ing abortion ("I'd rather you let shocked the world when he said them live so that they can die in that he backed President Bush holy wars fought in my name"), "100 per cent in his push to end Why do men evolution ("Actually, you're de- the world communist threat scended from slugs"), flatulence forever." have nipples? ("Not my fault!"), where half of God, a personable man with every pair of socks goes when slightly greying hair, a bit of a could have everything it wanted, you put them in the washing ma- paunch and a thick handlebar and so, with the exception of chine ("Hell. They're being mustache, then proved his point Togoland, Antarctica and Cana- punished for being stinky.") and by turning Soviet Premier Mik- da, the United States now owns why men have nipples ("So that hail Gorbachev into a pillar of the world. when they get fat they can tit- salt. Gorbachev has decided to fuck each other.") God is back and boy, is he a crazy guy! Here he's seen show- After God turned him back return to a potato farm outside the Both Satan and Jesus Christ ing off at a local discotecque. Oh, that God -- all this and water into a human being, Gorbachev Ukrainian town of Shmelsk, have declined to comment on into wine too! John Smallberries seemed impressed with the where he intends to live out the God's bold entrance into world deity's threats. Through a trans- rest of his days as a peaceful politics, although inside sources lator, Gorbachev said "Well, Mr. petty bourgeoisie farmer. say that Christ is somewhat un- God, I guess we'd better not be At a press conference im- happy with his father's political Brady killers escape jail beating around the burning bush, mediately after the division of the affiliations. By Ted Bundy there's a lot to be Wretched staff worried about. "The Bradys are nutty as The Brady Bunch fruitcakes on a hot has been broken out of griddle -- anyone who J jail and is now at large would cook up body in the American Mid- parts in a steaming vat DLAIN S a west. of Minute Rice is a few Last March, the pennies shy of a pound, Brady Bunch were ar- if you know what I need ROLL rested for their - but it's the three Is- 1 DISHONOUR I suspectcd role in the in- landers I fear." famous 'Minute Rice' "They haven't been serial murders. At the the same since the Har- time, it was believed lem Globetrotters land I 1980-89 I that 12 semi-nude and on Gilligan's Island stiffed, ■ To be eligible the Dean's Dishonour Roll, students must have achieved an overall Grade Point fl wildly mutilated bodies movie and the for of ■ Average of not more than 2.35 in all courses required in the particular year of their program. De- ■ j found in the Seattle area added humiliation ■ partmental and extra-curricular apathy requirements must be fulfilled within an eight-month term 1 over the past two years Back to the Beach and ■ with at least two or more failures or substitutions. ■ ; were their work, a way Hollywood Squares of striking back at have made the Skipper mankind for the dismal and Gilligan just plain HONOURS BUTTHOLE SURFING reception accorded The mean. They're mad ■ I Brady Bunch Reunion. dogs on the prowl now, I AlAuerbach Sheldon Gokool Ramiro Maciel 1 Now they are free, and and it's like a time I John Chamberlin Bruce Hodges Alex Murray no one can sleep safely. bomb waiting to go ■ William Crilley Michele Landsberg Bruce Springstein I Wednesday off." H Robert Desmond Cunningham David Letterman DehbiTustin Late night a van pulled up to However, Murray the Beaver Cleaver said that he had no BACHELOR OF UNDERWATER FIREFIGHTING Home for Homicidal plans of attempting to ■ I catch the crazed group Mel Lasunan W. Axl Rose Sitcom Characters. Ac- Owen Brunelle of Bradys and Islanders. Jim Morrison Patricia Siarr cording to Cleaver L.Burke - ■ Karen Home security person "Heck, no I wouldn't Jose Canseco MilaMulroney lan Wallace B \m Barney Phyfe, three want to put any of my :8 9 Elizabeth Fusco Andrea Nasello Michael Wilson I; men leaped out and, men in the danger!" making no attempt to "What we're hoping hide their faces, opened for here in the Bureau - ARTS AND SCIENCE (6-WEEK DIPLOMA) I lire on the guard booth and it's a million-tu-one I I the Uzi automatic shot, but it's happened :j: George Bell Jim Kelly George Thorogood l| with 9 - in their before is that they'll | Bette Davis Evelyn Mugimba Pierre Trudeau ■ rifles they held hands. try to ambush a car with ■ Wayne Gretkzy Elvis Presley Brian Turnbull I j "Well, by gum, it Charles Bronson's B Steve Hilton A 1 Strathdee John Weir was the Skipper, Gil- daughter in it and kill ligan and the Professor, her." HONOURS INSIDER TRADING as sure as I'm not "Then Bronson will I E secure in my go after them, wipe heterosexuality, it was," them out, and walk While away from their burning ■ Patrick Brethour Nick Konlogianis Coieu Rickets Barney said. K|| Phyfe returned fire, the carcases with a smile on three broke into the his grim face and a song compound, rescued the in his sad but vengeful Bradys from their heart." padded cells, and drove "It's a long shot, but off into the night. it may be our only According to FBI hope," Murray con- Chief Bill Murray, cluded. Bl Business Citv editor Frank Booth Birds do it, Phone: 894-3825, ext. 968 Bees do it, Kitchener-Waterloo Wretched Let's do it, Local Ixt's fall in love. Page 856 Thursday, November 30,1989 They're really mean! Digest Evil dogs terrorize Waterloo youths Weir hormones By Carlos san Lucos captured so far there seems to be the mongrel mafia is a four-year- that anything she barked could be Wilfrid Laurier University Wretched staff a connecting thread uniting the old (28 in dog years) doberman used against her in a court of president John Weir is back fron members of the pack. All the named Blackie. She was captured paw. Sweden, where he received an ex- In a frightening example of dogs come from homes with mi- yeaterday by a crack SWAT team "Quito a mouth on the little pensive series of hormone im- canine ferocity a vicious pack of crowaves and abusive young chil- sent to track the canine ruffian as bitch," said officer Cagney. plants from well-known Las dogs has been terrorizing local dren. she tried to make her escape into Police advise all citizens to be Vegas lounge lizard Wayne New- youths, critically injuring one 14- Most of the animals are very the sanctuary of Cambridge. on the look-out for any large ton. year-old boy by stuffing him in a young. The average age is two "Ruff, ruff, ruff," howled gathering of dogs, and to stay The implants, according to microwave oven. years (that's 14 in dog years) and Blackie to arresting officer Jane away from microwave ovens Weir's personal secretary John The dogs are apparently therefore they cannot be named Cagney even after being warned when at all possible. Bigbooties, were intended to give moving in reaction to the brutal under the Young Offensive Act. Weir "a better understanding of murder of one of their group. A Rumour has it that most of them modern kids these days by giving few months ago a Kitchener boy are a crispy golden brown in him a little bit of today's biggest (whose name cannot be revealed colour. Landsberg fries rock singer!" They seem to have under the Young Offenders Act) The police are currently stak- done something for Weir, who torched a dog in a microwave. Of ing out the dog house of a five- By Nick Adams Strathdee, the union opens for Frank Sinatra and Liza this latest canine-related attack, year-old (35 in dog years) cocker student Canadian Repressed president at Wilfrid Laurier Uni- Minnelli at the WLU dance club investigating police officer Frank spaniel named Monty, the versity -- a university Landsberg 'The Turret' this Thursday night. Ponchercllo said "looks like the believed leader of the pack. They Beloved Toronto Star have "really is referred to as "Dogpatch U." in Ticket sales been puppies is pissed." are afraid to act because Monty columnist Michele Landsberg is really really really brisk so far — The search is now on to round holding a three-year-old (21 in one of her scathingly brilliant dead, the victim of what eyewit- -- according WLU Stu- columns appears to have had really!" to up the pack and remove the terror dog years) poodle named Frosty nesses have deemed the bravest Vice-president: the heads of K-W in the rugged of some motive for the killing. dent Union that looms over hostage confines act of monstrosity they've ever Happy Talk Stuart Lewis. residents like a pall of steaming his dog house. Friends of Strathdee say that seen. annoyed" black phlegm. Of the six pooches One of the powerhouses of he was "deeply at Gumby replaces Late Friday night a man Landsberg's attack on Wilfrid rushed into Landsberg's burning Laurier University, and had Dean Murray Toronto house to save its scream- slipped into alcoholism and in- ing occupant. Having carried cipient foot feticism as a result. In a successful palace coup, Landsberg from the building, "A 1 told me right to my face that Gumby has taken the place of J. Landsberg's would-be saviour he was mad...that he intended to threw her back the Alex Murray as Dean of the Wil- in fire, appar- kill Landsberg — yeah, that's the frid Laurier University School of ently when he discovered who it ticket!" said Stuari Lewis, who was had rescued. Business and Economics. Ac- he ims replaced Strathdee as student cording to eyewitnesses, Murray presiueni at WLU. walked into his office on Thurs- A man answering Strathdee's day morning, only u be booted description was sighted near out rather unceremoniously by Landsberg's house unnating on a; Gumby's pal, Pokey. fire h) ..rum A w.sness, whoj Murray has been quite grace- asked to cmain nameless, said i ful in accepting his dismissal, and thai '!. man who appeared to be; subsequent demotion 10 Dean of Sirashuvc had just crawled mewl-i Janitorial Services, with a smile. sng and nuking out of a gutterj That's just the way it goes in the when he was spotted. rough-and-tumble world of busi- The fire in Landsberg's build- ness -- you've got to move quick- Al Strathdee ing apparently originated in her j ly," he noted. apartment, according to Metro : Gumby declined to comment. And now Metro Police, in Fire Department spokesperson ; cooperation with Ontario Provin- Todd Worrell. "Seems she was cial Police Forces across the pro- frying up a big old tub of lard Smokey smoked Two new animals at Waterloo Park engage in a little bit oi duce. have started a man hunt for when the whole damned thing ex- by mad tree rough and tumble behind bars yesterday. Both the miniature ;suspect Al Strathdee in what may ploded," Worrell explained. Scottish moose and the cute pink bunny will spend their lives of mur- ibe one the most bizarre See Mad-Page 4 A tree fell in the wests of in quiet desperation. John BigbooU6s !<*"• on the books. Temagarru yesterday, right on the big fat head of Smokey the Bear, who had been terrorizing the gen- tle woodland creatures with his Wilfrid Laurier Perversity, I presume? cunning carnivorous ways. The tree was putting in its Imagine a place where no one creed of tne organization is made alter a mate appendage which Mr. heartfelt plea for vegetarianism speaks the same language as you crystal cieaj in its very name). Sigmund Freud made infamous, do, and no more logging in the beau- where no one cares about the His name was Al Strathdee. He It was sick, like something eui tiful Temagami forests, but did same things you do. Imagine a looked iike photographs of a one of Richard Wagner's wet not count on the incredibly hard place where the inhabitants are J°^ young Aoolf Hitler, only worse. I dreams, all these buildings thrust- head of Smokey, who proceeded hostile to your very existence. also talked with a swarthy fellow ing into the unforgiving grey sky to burn down the beautiful green And imagine such a place with too much styling gel on his of Waterloo's discontent. Plain forest in his enraged fury at the nestled, like a wolf in the fold, hair whose name escapes me, but sick, that's what it was. foolish tree. right in the heart of beautiful who looked like a villain from a I talked to students. They "Hey, what is all this stupid Waterloo. The place is Wilfrid made-for-TV movie about white didn't talk the same language. fucking environmental shit?" said Laurier University - the most books in the WLU library. There slavery rings. They mentioned names like Smokey, moments before sticking wretched hive of scum and vil- are about 5000 students at WLU. These are the student leaders Socrates, John Kenneth Galbraith lainy in the galaxy, friendly Mr. Gopher on a spit and in this man's That's 200 books per student. of Laurier? A couple of cheap and Bill Needle — Trotskyites all, roasting the living shit out of the opinion. What the hell kind of person punks, undoubtedly with thoughts undoubtedly, and undoubtedly I this little bastard. Before roasting went to place. Twice. I would read 200 books in a of world domination dancing sexist to boot. Hell, most of these found things loveable Mr. Gopher, Smokey that would shock the lifetime, much less a university through their dreams? God help people said they don't even read skinned the little fellow and made good citizens of Waterloo, which career? A sick person, I think. us. the Kitchener-Waterloo would make them fear a lovely hat out of him. for their There are two bars on I looked at this sexist campus, Record, that they've got better lives if they knew the creatures campus, and neither of them where every building is named things to do. which here, this Prufrock, thou huddled on small would let me in without some after a man except the women's Beware, Waterloo. You har- cramped campus dormitories (I'm that looks like a thing called a 'Student Card.' not sure who bour a hidden fifth-column in nightmare right -- shouldst be out of 1984, a Hey, Laurier people as far as I Mr. Athletic Complex was, but he your midst, a place of madness book which I've never read but know, such blatant discrimination sounds like some Eastern Euro- and dreary nightmares of un- I shall wear silly trousers, and which I've heard good things went out with the Jim Crow laws. pean Communist scum, the kind speakable monstrosity. walk upon the beach, until I dare about. I talked to the Student Union of people these Laurier punks They don't speak our lan- to put on a face to meet the faces For instance: president probably idolize) and (Union, eh? Already, where one guage. They are not our children. - that I meet. - There are about a million the socialist-humanist-communist the Peters Building is named Watch the skies. The K-W Wretched 4 Thursday November 30, 1989. " McDonalds atrocities told by Ronald By Billy Bragg And worse yet, McDonalds strange because of the LSD injec- cake.' 'Project Beefcake' is the periment in creating Mcßibs Canadian Oppressed made him pay for the surgery to tions. code name for the genetic nearly destroyed the Eastern be altered back to a more human Fawn's testimony louched engineering lab where creatures Seaboard. "They have to do The :nan who was Ronald appearance when he retured from upon a number of shocking tacts, like Grimace are manufactured. something with the goop,' Fawn McDonald has stepped forward to Ronald-hood in 1985. including: "If they're really untortunate, said. * - deliver shocking testimony at the "It was hell, sheer hell -- but Popular Burgei King they just get shoved into a shake The Bigbooties Inquiry con- Bigbooties Inquiry being held spokesperson Burger King war machine and whirled to death, tinues this week. Dave Thomas, into immoral practices in fast killed off by a McDonaldland hit Fawn also noted. Founder of Wendy's, is schedul- food marketing techniques. squad composed of Grimace, the ed to testify, and is expected to "Yes, LSD was injected into Hamburglar and the Fry Guys. * Popula* 'Shamrock' and reveal what happened to his the -- McDonalds cows in order to "Those aren't costumes you 'Arctic Orange' shakes -ire ac- daughter Wendy, who dis- make flesh their more pa'iaiabk wouldn't believe the genetic tually made from toxic waste left appeared in 1987 while going for consumption," said Larry engineering that goes into those ovei from 1983, when a failed ex- through a McDonalds drive-thru. Fawn., former Ronald McDonald bloody things," Fawn said. No now turned state s evidence body was ever found because, against the massive hamburger Fawn said, because the three chain. McDonaldland characters But it doesn't stop there. devoured Burgei King's dead Mso btrathdee Fawn said he underwent that Larry Fawn body. "I walked in on the end of From Page 3 never liked that guy anyway," painful plastic to -- surgery make it the sight of those intestines Lewis noted on Monday. "I hope his a shocking colour, "After that, it all hair orange what can I say? The money was hanging from Hamburglar's just sort of he hangs." to make his nose bulbous, and to damned good," Fawn said to a grostesque mouth will haunt me mushroomed, I guess." make his feet big ana floppy so packed house of reporters, fast to my grave." Fawn noted. Strath dee was described as Anyone who spots Strathdee * that would fit into what he called food aficiandoes and interested - Counterpersons who fail about five-foot nine, 150 pounds, is advised to stay indoors and "those cruel, ridiculous Ronald cattle whose calves have grown their McDonalds entrance exam with sinister brown hair and evil stand in an open doorway or hide McDonald shoes." up deformed and just plain are shipped off to 'Project Beef- beady eyes by Stuart Lewis. "I in the cellar until he leaves. ?CAN YOU GET X ? HERPES FROMS | YOUR PARTNERS 5 i RUNNING SHOES? | v WORRIED ABOUT WHERE YOUR A V PARTNERS SHOES HAVE BEEN? A \ flounders & SHRIMP | | | l Proprietor Paul "Noheait" V DON'T TAKE CHANCES GET THE X \ 1 / / seen here with a beautiful \ \\l / "bass boutinere". A FACTS. S \ Call Steve Burke at the Safe Sex Foot Wearhouse. r 884-2990 ■SSiiiii i J pr W _ vj BBK OPPRESSION lIJhHII for KgadUjffik needle / JULIE "NOHEART" seen here with a I wonderful colourful rainbow trout corsage, jur shrimp make great stock en Remember guys these rainbows go with T u 112 112 e r s every colour dress! Have a problem? Lifestyles editor Ediih Prickly Don't need a good solution? 967-1111, ext. 666 Write to Deano. Kitchener-Waterloo Wretched Lifestyles c/o the Wretched. Thursday, Nov. 30,1989 Expanding Spiritual Horizons Not Worth Being Single DEAR DEANO: I am a student on the verge of doesn't know a good man if he grovelled before manhood. In all my 19 years I have never felt so her. Concentrate on finding someone who's will- complete or fulfilled. I am truly in love for the very ing to give up their single status for an emo- first time in my life. tionally mature and nurturing relationship. I'm 5'9", blonde and blue-eyed. I'm majoring in landscape architecture with a minor in social work. My friends describe me as perky and fun to be with. DEAR DEANO: I am a student on the verge of a About my girlfriend. She's warm and tender nervous breakdown. In all my 19 years I have never and respects me for who I am. I've never let anyone felt so smothered and unfulfilled. I am truly trapped see the real me until now. I feel so at home with for the first time in my whole life. her, it's like I've known her all my life. She's I'm s'B", brunette and hazel-eyed. I'm in helped me expand my spiritual horizons and come Honours Business Administration with a concentra- He wants some kind of commitment out of me. to know myself more. tion in Finance. My friends describe me as witty What does he mean? We go out every Friday night, My girlfriend, I'll call her "Pat", is truly a and intelligent. What more could he want? nineties woman. She'd let me give up my carecr to About this goof. He's sappy and lovesick and The other day Andy started talking about mar- stay home with the kids and it wouldn't bother her stifles my inner personality. I've never let anyone riage. Why would I want to tie myself down when if I made less money than her. I know she'd make see the real me and I'm definitely not going to start there's so much more out there to experience? I the perfect career woman and mother of my chil- with him. I feel so at home with him, it's like hav- don't want to let him go -- God knows it takes so dren. ing my mother beside me at every moment. He's long to train a man properly. So how do I string But my problem is, Pat just won't commit. It's helped me over extend my credit limit and realize him along until I finish my MBA? not that she's thinking of staying single, it's just my true monetary worth. -- UNCOMMITTED that she feels she's too immature right now to be in- This boy, I'll call him "Andy", is truly in- volved in a longer term relationship. She won't comprehensible. June Cleaver has nothing on him. Dear Uncommitted: Dump the jerk. He's ob- even go steady with me. He's like a clinging vine - there's a possibility he viously holding you back in your life ambitions. Deano, I beseech you, what should I do?! could save a woman but he's more likely to pull her Concentrate on Finding someone equally as shal- - HAPPY BUT STILL SINGLE under. And I'm a woman who's going places. For low and immature as you are. Believe me, well- God's sake, he'd want to stay at home with the trained men are easier to find than you think so Dear Single: Dump the chick. She obviously kids! Doesn't he have a mind of his own? why waste your time now. Taurus Abstain From Whole Grains Ms. Zealous has been a member of Gemini - May 21 to June 21 the Laurier Occult Society of Enlight- Tonight is going to be your lucky night. ment and Enrichment (L.0.5.E.E.) for The stars and the moon are in the proper close to 3 millenniums now. During this position for a party. Invite all your Your Horoscope time, she has concentrated mainly on friends and enemies over and you'll be building her powers in order to aid stu- guaranteed a good evening. But take dents of Laurier in "their search for in- precautions lest your innermost secret Zelda Zealous ner peace and tranquility in a world full will be revealed. Stay away from all wickedness and impurity." The of caffeine-related products and eat only mate. Computer will drink. We wouldn't want them to think Wretched is eternally grateful the terminals befuddle for garlic dip on bagels prepared by your you on the ninth. The eighteenth that, now would we?! time and energy Ms. Zealous has mag- eludes own hands. you, so might as well not yourself nanimously bestowed upon our humble exert trying to get out of bed. If you're lucky, Capricorn - December 22 to January and undeserving university. Without you, - Cancer June 22 to July 22 someone will you 19 Zelda, we would be lost in the bring the decadent forever If you have any friends or close enemies luxury of You are very special to the people cosmos obscurity. A mere bit the pickles and jam. of in who are Geminis, put on a striped shirt around you, even if some people don't computer of life. An amoeba floating and get ready for a party. You will meet Libra - September 23 to October 23 seem to appreciate you. Your hard work aimlessly in the Pacific Ocean. Alas, someone very special, but your feelings You have too many things going on at will soon pay off, so just be patient and Zelda, we thank you from the bottoms of of fatal attraction will not be recipro- once. You have to start taking better care smile through your teeth. Tuesdays will our stomachs and wish you well on your cated. You have to prove yourself in will of yourself. You are not making good be especially trying. Just keep in mind galactic journey of the spirit. the challenging game of Win, Lose or use of what you learned in Business 111 that you don't want your room mate's Draw. about Time Management. failure to take out the garbage to lead to Aries - March 21 to April 19 A Virgo will be a bad influence on you at this time. a domestic dispute and possibly a term Your work has really been piling up late- Leo - July 23 to August 22 But up! of imprisonment for you. ly. Now is the time to get yourself up to Rest and are what you need cheer The middle of the month relaxation brings dale. No more partying you until roommate(s) more bad tidings. If you're bored, for most. Pay your to go away Aquarius - January 20 to February 18 Christmas. It is of vital importance that put your contacts in upside down. and shut the door on the rest of the There is a carral in the Library with your your socks match your underwear the - on world. Now is the time to assert your in- Scorpio October 24 to November 21 initials engraved on it. If you go there 3rd of December. Beware of students dependence by saying "yes" to Calgone Okay all you Scorpio men, if there is often enough, you just may find it. Just with red hair bearing gifts of cauliflower and "no" to everything else. Alienate someone special on the horizon, now is make sure that once you reach your fated and CheezWhiz on the 17th. The 24th turning everyone you know by never on the time to make your move. A Pisces destiny you don't waste the precious mo- brings good fortune and, if Satire in is the light and belting out vintage Michael would be good for you. As for you Scor- ments by sleeping rather than studying. the eleventh orbit, cookies as well. of De- Jackson tunes. Towards the end pio women, a Gemini man would comp- Always be wary of photocopying ma- cember you will experience an in- ly with your every wish. He might be disguised as benevolent helpers - chines Taurus April 20 to May 20 explicable pencil urge to buy an electric closer than you think. Spam could bring and remember to dodge all poles. Look for money or a large packagc in the sharpener. Give in and let yourself really you closer together. Cher's personal per- mail from a distant and forgotten rela- go. fume could also do the trick. If all else Pisces - February 19 to March 20 tive. Don't forget to show your apprecia- fails, remember there's always Bill If you're out partying and drinking like a tion or it may be the last gift you receive. Virgo - August 23 to September 22 Needle's advice to fall back on. FISH, make sure you don't bicycle The 7th brings grief and tragedy as You will be the life of the parly this home. Remember: drinking and cycling something close to you may be destroyed weekend (as usual), and other people Sagittarius - November 22 to Decem- don't mix. It's better to make it home in fire. Don't eat oatmeal on the 14th as will see your friendliness as your best ber 21 safely in a cab than to try to explain to this will cause your roommate to fail in characteristic. Try to look your best if If you're running short on cash ask your your friends why you were showing your romance. Make sure your laundry is you want to catch that special someone's roomie for a loan. Your parents will mother how to cycle without the use of done on the 20th. eye. Look for a Capricorn as an ideal suspect all you do with your money is your hands. The K-W Wretched Page 6 Thursday November 30, 1989. ---Opinion Student Whinerama With each passing day, it becomes more apparent that something must be done in Ontario's universities. Every year we hear the sob stories wafting down from University Avenue that students are poor and need this and that. Well, we at the Wretched don't buy the complaints of these whiners. What have students done for Waterloo? They bring in mlilions of dollars to spend in our stores, restaurants and apartments. They add to the sporting life of the com munity. They provide cultural and educational outlets. And they have the audacity to ask for even more of our hard-earned tax dollars! For shame! The only reason we can see for the existence of UW is to let us write stuff about how great the Warriors are and WLU is only there to give us practice at setting internal policies of outside organizations. Mayor Turnbull would do better to turf them all and add on to Waterloo Park. I'd rather go feed a few geese and rabbits before I give those beer-guzzling, property Reader passes on water denuding vultures. I am writing this letter to you implied that we have a good happening, I was furious. And the complain about the quality of the academic standard and were thought of Bianca Jagger being water in this city. It is yucky. responsible in the events we run. involved is utterly ludicrous. She Now, I don't mean to use Damn you all, we are not is a good. and honest and pure Please restrain yourself such harsh language but I feel responsible people! We're Uni woman. It is crazy. This whole that I must. It really annoys me versity students! world is crazy. For most of us putting a seatbelt on is second nature. whenever I taste the water here to I am not sure who you talked Schizophrenia is not some Recent findings of the Waterloo Regional Police, how find how awful it is. It really is to at the school, but they were thing to be taken lightly. Mark t'ver, show us that there are still about 30% of K-W very bad. completely out of hand when they my words, they're only pulling Cirizem that don't buckle up. I know it's not anyone's fault, said that Dogpatc)l U "caters their own ears. What are you trywg to do ... get yourself killed? except perhaps for Bennito Mus equally to male and female, abled solini's. He was a bad man. The and disabled alike." We do not! Juan Effillo, h.l\ en 't you thought of all the people you could be of water is bad. There must be a We are discriminatory! We are Oshawa. reoc t ~ if ym.. flew out of a car (because you were un connection. sexist! We are not good examples rt'" ' fJ · .11~d) anu tained the sidewalk? And what about the I am not the sort of person of the future of this nation. ith ... clid. ou think about them? who normally complains about We never go to classes here at u didn't. stuff hke th1s, but in this case I Dogpatch, because the classes Back-hair raised am so irate that I feel I must get it aren't worth going to. They're hei •g :-.o pi::>m 11d do everyone a favour. over review off oi my chest before I have a boring, and they're silly, and they breakdown. My mother had a don't te , - -c"" \ "\ \ Another WLU sign ires, draws fire ~ec. Bubba Egghlmaway self-perpetuating media blitz, An anonymous sources told Wretched photographer/reporter hours after the first rumblings Wretched staff as Dean of Students Fred Dimes the Wretched on Wednesday that team to arrive on the scene. Upon about the poster were raised. was forced to take down a sign the offensive sign was posted. seeing that the situation had been "I checked the school's WLU once again finds itself that some Hawaiian students The anonymous caller had to can handled properly, Dean Dimes records and there was a Hawaiian at the centre of the Wretched's could have been offended by. cel a class while she waited for a was contacted -- a mere two student attending WLU three years ago," said Dimes. Under the· new guidelines set down by the recommendations of the "Com mittee to Investigate the Events on and after September 27, 28, October 3, 4, 8, 12, 15, 18, 24, 28", Dimes was compelled to remove the offending sign. "He shouldn't have even looked for data," said the anonymous caller. "I know of at least three faculty members who have visited the fair islands of .Hawaii. He obviously has no way of knowing how those people feel seeing that sort of thing?" WLU President John Weir, in a rare candid interview, said that "some people, not necessarily of Hawaiian descent, but certainly sensitive to the plight of Polynesian peoples, have taken legitimate offence at the poster and I have instructed my top two men to strike a six-person com mittee to look into the matter, ac cept s ubmis sion s from paternalistic/philanthropic mem bers of WLU's faculty and write aised a lengthy report." Dimes confirmed that he had never visited Hawaii, but does have a hand-crafted turtle from Oahu. The anonymous informant as The "Lei Ladies" are shown here proudly displaying "Committee to Review the Events of the Past 50 Years sured the Wretched that there the poster deemed "offensive to Hawaiians" by the at WLU" Harvey Wallbanger photo were no students available on campus to talk to -- at least ones with the right opinion...... ____,...... __, ....,.,...-.,., .... . JOBS! ! ! Stud~nt Publications needs people. If you are people, read on. NEEDED: Director, Board of Publications Keystone Production Manager UT&T Manager CORD Copy Editor Associate News Editor Keystone Sports/Special Events Editor Applications are aviilable at the CORD. The deadline for applications is Friday , December 1 , at 2 : 00p . m. By the way , we really are serious about this : It's only Lluyli Mi graine, chief librarian of the Kitchener Public Library, proudly shows off the livre de resistance of the KPL' s rare book col in the joke section because the r e was n o lection -- "The Revival of Neo-Cubist Neckwear" by Claude room anywhere else. We do need people . Nooseman. Wretched photo by Bob Billson The Wretched's Thursday Entertainment Guide Friendly Ghost deemed sexist Casper the Controversial Canceled Stan Lee In a sweeping purge of the in- cursed women with big, floppy is her problem anyway? This isn't dustry, the new Committee schnoobies." the last she'll hear from me! Against Corrupt Comic Art Damn straight!" (CACCA) has set the comic book Casper artist Franklin People may remember Rogers and comic strip medium on edge Cadaver is despondent. "Sales of in its continuing battle against as the woman responsible for Casper the Friendly Ghost had banning Matt Groening's con- sex, violence, and higher thought. languished since the late sixties," troversial strip in Hell be- The upset came last week in a Life the artist said telephone inter- cause of "blasphemous content." when CACCA head Jessica view. Williams agreed to "Ms. It was reported at the time that Rogers decided to ban a new help boost the sales by appearing from Rogers felt that, not only was it comicbook Needle Press in some of the stories, cleaving Wendy disturbing but it was also "much named Casper and O' the little spook in two every once Williams because of "its graphic in a while and singing a merry too difficult to understand - I violence and the most disgusting tune." don't want to have to read a com- in set of breasts comicdom." ic strip more once, and cur- of seeing minority than "I am tired Needle Press publisher Wil- sorily at that, to find the humour by groups put down the media", liam B. Needle vows to never in it. Also, Hell isn't funny — it's Rogers said from her home in give in. "CWOW is the most just offensive." Vermont. "It's about time some- tasteful literary work I've ever as- one stood up against the oppres- sociated myself with and I'm Groening has since become a sion of dead babies and of those damned proud of it. What the hell recluse, living alone in Florida with his pet ducks: Frosty, Casper's last issue: the contraversial comicbook, published by Brownie, Brownie, Brownie, Needle-Press will cease publication because of complaints of sexism. Brownie, Blacky, and Runty. THE DOLLHOUTE PRESENTS: WLU's digital orchestra UNBATHED BEAUTIES! R. Oliver Beethoven SMELL THE The end of the Wilfrid Laurier University Or- chestra is close at hand. The school of Music at EXCITEMENT! Laurier has found the need for further financial cut- backs and the Music Council decided the Orchestra should get the axe. The Orchestra is to be replaced by digital technology. Dr. Hall, Dean of Music, was the force behind these cutbacks. Acting on the grounds of increasing If the Music Library in ensemble repitiore would I cause severe financial strain, Dr. Hall mentioned AND IDENTIFY TliE § computer discs were cheaper. The cost of obtaining Tchiakovsky's 1812 overture (approx. $175.00), ' TERRIBLE STENCII ~X would buy approximately 90 computer discs. 112 Ik Further investigation has revealed that all OFTHISADANI) ensembles will be faded out over the next 5 years, ISOB with the choir being the last to die in April 1995. TELL OUR DOORMAN The eventual plan is to have the Laurier Choir sing door-to-door collecting money to enhance the THE CORREC T SMELL composition and electronic studio facilities at Laurier. Then all the electronic components can be TO WIN A FREE TABLE placed on stage at the Recital Hall-Aird Center. One disc is capable of holding enough music for DANCE (AND SMELL) several 2 hour performances. Dr. Hall was the head of the committee last year that attempted to have the Recital Hall taken out of ) have OF MISS NUDE 8.0/8 ffM|^ESPS| the Aird Building because of earlier budget cut- Following budget cut-backs, musicians been replaced by technology at WLU's backs. The move was defeated after architects de- modern Recital Hall. cided that thr Recital Hall's removal could result in the building's collapse. declining audience attendence was a factor to this Peter Hatch, head of electronic composition at decision. Laurier, enjoyed this idea, saying he is awaiting For those of you which will now find a need to or- these changes most anxiously. "This type of migra- see this ill-fated group musicians perform, the tion," Hatch said, "from real life to computer chestra is not appearing on FRiday as advertised, simulization, has been occuuring in the commercial but on Thursday at Bpm. in the T.A.. They will per- t world through the eighties and Laurier needs to form a number of short works (because they can lead the Ninties to be competitive." afford long ones), including, "Bad" (M.Jackson), version)" (U n* LESLIE LINDBEREGER When asked how the audience would react, he "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (short said: "I'm sure the twenty or so people who show known), and the ever popular, "Feel like a Country up won't mind." Dr. Hall had also mentioned that Boy" (J.Denver). The K-W Wretched 9 Thursday November 30, 1989. Bonus new Kernals! Phil's a seedy dump Who else but Karnal guitarist Terence Bruce could abuse an ex- Ken Leadbelly pensive instrument like that and Top Ten Bogi still make it sound like an angel Metal Hits From the clientelle, one would think that Phil's Grandson's singing. UNNECESSARY brother's neighbour's cousin's girlfriend's co-worker's dog's Place is FEEDBACK! But it's truly bonus a seedy dunghole frequented by the lunatic fringe of a nihilistic, nar- and that's no lie. 1 (43) Something's Rising in my cissistic, hedonistic, and non-stick-society. (and it wants Their first metal album, and Spandex you, Right. Despite its close proximity to 7-11, slurpees and big bites baby) - High therefore their best so far, Man I Natural cannot be found on the menu. 2 (6) Rock Me AH Over (And Gotta Rock, y'know follows on What is it then? What do they serve? Who goes there? Friend or Over Again) - Bernie and the the footsteps of their truly bonus foe? I don't really know, but they have wings. And lots of them. Real - Rap Boys compilation disc All Our Best cheap. If you wander to the kitchen, you can actually see the cooks And then Some, 3 (102) In Love With Satan which followed choking the chickens. 112 (and damned if I ain't) - on the footsteps of their really in- I took my precocious 4 month old daughter there for a bite after Pentagram Sam credible punk efforts. Ah man, going to see 'Last Tango in Paris' at the Princbss. When we walked 4 (1) Don't Forget To Party (All they're good. Wayne's review! down those hazardous metal stairs, she immediately stretched out her Night!) - Tone Deaf Garth an' me sat down one tiny little digits and pointed to Gotham; a dark and dingy corner, Wayne Campbell 5 (5) Get Out, You're Starting day in my basement to give the adorned by a bat signal and some amateurishly painted buildings, and To Stink - Bill Needle and the Bonus! old Kernals a listen to and wow, occupied by rodents that could my poor little girl whole. Pin Heads swallow That's just about sums up the we were really taken aback. It We were immediately greeted by a courteous, if androgenous 6 (1) Can't Wait For the Morn- new album from wild was an affront to the industry, it waitress who took our order with a politely forced grimace. I ordered those 'n ing After - Butter My Toast crazics The Karnal Kernels, Man was so much better than anything a pitcher of Ricker's Red and a vat of suicide wings for both of us. 7 (9) (You Got a) Butt Like a I Gotta Rock, y'know. It's a else. We were beside ourselves. My daughter's face started bubbling and swelling after first radi- Sack of Spuds - Mudd Flapz the cal departure from everything The haunting vocals of singer couple of nibbles. Cute little tyke. But I knew she was enjoying them, 8 (2) Don't Touch My Fuckin' else they've ever done, hey, Bob were all over us. Wow! because her diaper needed changing. Then she started laughing un- but Hair! - Kylie Minogue who cares? Wayne's review! Oh, Garth just reminded me controllably. At least I thought she was laughing. Actually, the poor 9 (-) Man, I Gotta Rock, It beats the tar right out of all of the way Nigel "Skins" babe was choking on a bone, and I was helpless to rescue her, as I y'know? - The Karnal Kernals the other stuff everyone's falling Wentworth beat them drums. Ah had already drank most of the Ricker's Red and couldn't even see 10 (1) (Sweet, Sweaty) Armpit down deader 'n doggy doo over. man, is he ever bonus. Un- straight. Love - Chocolate Highway Like the Bon Jovis and Lee necessary drum solo! Never I forced the last drops of beer down her throat, hoping she would Aarons fore has my basement pulsate.; (although she's a re t The Wretched's Top Ten Bogi Heavy toss up the bone, but it was too late. I carefully buried her in Gotham, with the music. Ah man. Ah men. frail, Babe-ylonian and that's no lie) o Metal Tunes are made up on produc- placing a wreath of tangled bones around her blue body. It was a the record. Thumbs up the industry, they're nothing Buy tion night by Wayne Campbell. sad evening, but the meal was cheap and thus all was not lost. compared to the true genius of the for the Karnal Kernels. Wayne's Fished in! Fished in! Kernels. review! Wayne's review! CALENDAR A wasteof space about useless events lor a handicapped washroom facility. Dick Van Dyke stars as President Weir, Michael SITUATION COMEDIES J. Fox as Strathdee, and Grover the Monty Python: The Next Generation: A 1 hand puppet as Keith a 85 years after the events of the original Donaldson. With Royal Flush: This hilarious British com- 'Flying Circus 1 took place, a new group of LOCAL special guest appearance by Roseanne edy, produced by the Benny Hill Group, is Barr as Michele talented comedians takes to the airwaves Landsberg. set in the bathroom at Buckingham Palace, to where comedy hasn't gone before. In Shine The Spotlight Over Here: In this where a bunch of lovable homeless chil- go MuchMusic: Erica Ehm talks incessantly, this premiere episode, an ancient Terry screwball coincdy, three publicity-seeking dren have set up shop in the cupboards. Michael Williams reasserts his blackness Gilliam makes a guest appearance as the political science students named Curly, Benny Hill himself stars as the Queen, and Christopher Ward acts like that last surviving member of the original cast, Larry and Moe (not to be confused with while the litde bald guy who always gets snivelling little kid you remember from urging the new funny people on to greater the publicity-seeking sociology profs from slapped on the back of the head stars as Grade 3 you really glory. that wanted to beat up. Look! No Panties!) get all pumped up Prince Philip. Pathetic music is played in between. with self-righteous indignation and express Don't Tread On Me: Don Knous stars as (Repeat) the rights of the 'Silent Majority'. The fun- the principal of an inner-city high school niest thing about this show is that the three who also doubles as the schools' dope main characters have no sense of humour. pusher. Todd Bridges and Bob Probert co- star as young hoods who look to take over TSN Sports Spectacular - Mike Tyson v. Knotts' lucrative business. Directed by Bruce Hodges: "Iron Mike" takes on* Bruce "The Mousse" Hodges at The SAC Spike Lee. .* Memorial Coliseum. Hodges' manager, Dr. Alex Murray, assures us "someone's going to wind up with egg on their face Phantom Of The Oprah: Set in the but it won't be us...uh, I mean him". Las 1920'5, Winfrey stars as the 360-pound Vegas sets the odds 83-1 against Hodges ghost who serves as the madam of a although the WLU Administration is back- brothel set in Harlem. The Andrew Lloyd ing him all the way. Webber/Stephen King penned musical has Cosby finally gets a hold of Theo and such show-stoppers as "Got Me A Woman TALK SHOWS wrings the hell out of him on this show. (Now Get Me A Wet Nap 'N Stapler)", "Ghost To Ghost Kinda Love" and "Blub- The Oprah-Donahue-Sally-Downey-So- The Cosby Show: Cosby tires of the bin' 'N Flubbin' (Can Be Fun)". Ben Help-Me-God-It's-True Show: Happily precocious little brats he's sired and blows Verene and Nipsey Russel star as travell- married couples. Why it's ruining our them all away with some sort of anti- ing Melba Toast salesmen. country and what can be done about it. aircraft device. His wife is then abused Al Strathdee (played by Michael J. Fox) la- with Jello Pudding Pops until the aging co- Chicita - A Banana Split: The musical ments over his latest exploits reported in the This Week with David Brinkley: median is dragged away by Kodak repre- K-W "Th;; biography of the ill-fated banana who slept Record in Al Strathdee Show". Brinkley sits around in his Fruit 'o The sentatives. her way to the top during her heyday in the Looms sipping margaritas and breaking early 70's. Starring Pia Zadora, the The Al Strathdee Show: In this hilarious wind. Sam Donaldson does impersona- Highway to Hell: Born-again Satanist Andrew Lloyd Webber/Thomas Pynchon show, set at a fictional small Ontario uni- tions of 'Famous First Ladies and Their Michacl Landon stars as Moloch, a happy- collaboration details Chicita's fall from versity called Dogpatch U„ Student Union Jnderwear' while downing shots of Wild go-lucky devil of a guy who tempts souls grace as top banana in hundreds of televi- president Al Strathdee deals with hilarious Turkey. George Will doesn't notice. to their eternal damnation, laughing all the sion commercials to a cocaine-addled Bob mix-up after hilarious mix-up. In this while. In this week's episode, Moloch Denver groupie. All revenue generated week's episode, Al has to match wits with jeraldo: Geraldo Riviera interviews his tempts fifteen old ladies and a nun down to from ticket sales go to the Chicita Banana the lovable but tight-fisted president of >enis. Focus: "Dialogue of the Self - Warts eternal perdition. Foundation for Wayward Fruit. Dogpatch U. in his attempts to get fading md All". Irene Cara guest stars. FIGURE O U ~T~I ALL Str ®ae q and atoDemp o®gEt}, a® 112 tiesmdffid tja fafeme and eirxog the pIJC\ * A/ j oieah celM haetje ch]6 im\j| ■H M44sHm Eahfedmam. Hp HiUHHJfliifilflMimfllMiMJl The first line to what may be the Great Canadian Novel is hidden under these J^\ strikeovers. We have no idea who the author is, psal J but whoever wrote it had good reasons to hide it. rii;S Figure out what the hidden line is. Ci Inside Sports editor Mikey Lessmule WLU Golden Lady Hawk 555-JOCK, ext. CUP soccer team found to Kitchener-Waterloo Record Sports be using fembots Jl2 Thursday, November 30,1989 Digest Caught with tape Leafs say sorry Ray Albino Gnikht showed no remorse Wrctched Staff when contacted by the TORONTO (CP) - Toronto Wretched. "I've done it before Maple Leaf forwards Gary Wretched photographer and I'd do it again. It ain't over Leeman and Ed Olcyk have de- Mirko Webster was taking pic- 'til its over, and if we can't win cided that they will be passing the tures of a cement wall at WLU in one for the Gipper before the fat puck to other teammates after the Octobcr when he accidentally lady sings, we 11..." Gnikht used all-star break. caught a snapshot of Gnikht the media coverage to announce "I can't believe what some dressed up as a WLU coach leav- that WLU Sports Information people will say to get their names ing the Athletic Complex. Un- Director Johann Crisco has been in the paper," said Leeman. "The derneath the fiendish West Vir- hired on full-time for the Furriers only thing Eddie 0. and I read are ginian's arm is a stolen copy of as an assistant to Paul Condom, the stats pages, and you don't see the WLU game plan vs. Water- fuelling the suspicions of many us complaining!" loo, with footage of WLU that Crisco had some hand in the coaches' meetings. Hamilton drowning lifting of the classified celluloid. "He's been doing this sort of Crisco denied any part in the HAMILTON (CP) - The city thing ever since he left Laurier," theft. of Hamilton is said to be the said WLU coach and former source of one of the worst cases friend Rich Scarborough. "First of flooding in Lake Ontario his- of all, he left his desk in a real "You just ask anybody...l tory. mess, then he left the Argos in a haven't done anything." Tele- Anxious residents are said to real mess, and now we find out phone interviews with athletic be pleading with Tiger-Cat Coach the only way those Furriers beat personnel confirmed the fact that to stop crying about the us this year was from his cheat- Crisco has yet to do anything at A 1 Bruno from A.C. Mirko Webster photo officiating in last weekend's 43- ing." all this year. Fluffy heisting film 40 Grey Cup loss to Sas- katchewan. At press time, the water level of the lake had reached dangerous levels, and the salt content had passed the re- Cherry hit by puck Bill quirements for an inland sea. iins '89 All-Ugly Team After a near-fatal injury to the head by a puck sustaining Cherrypicker, in a statement to the press, complimented the night game, Hockey - the reknowned NEW YORK (AP) People late last at Bruins/Canucks Europeans in the NHL in the way they played. He noted that "if Night in Cananda analyst and all-round big mouth Don Cher- Magazine has released its annual it wasn't for them there wouldn't be an NHL. Just look at the rypickcr announced that he is giving up wide-collared shirts Top Ten Ugliest Athletes list for way they play, smooth and stylish, all they really care about is 1989, and once again WWF and loud ties for a more European look. Also mentioned in the the game. And you can't forget that before every game they wrestler Andre The Giant tops the statement by the Exalted Rink Rat — "The rough stuff just has blow dry their hair just in case they have an interview between list. got to go in the NHL." periods, now if that isn't thoughtfulness then I don't The affable 7-foot, 500-lb. sticking, fighting know "It's all fun and games (high and buttend- what is." Frenchmen was unable for com- ing) until some one.loses an eye or something... worse." Hock- ment, but apparently withstood a ey officials lauded the new attitude of Cherrypicker but hoped Cherrypicker noted several players who could "play on his challenge from aging strong that all of that would continue in the NHL. "That's really spe- team anytime" in his "all-Cherrypicker Team", similar to the hockey star Borje Salming. of to say things, and violence what This year's lucky winners in- cial Don those but blood are "all-Madden team" of NFL fame. Tomas Sandstrom, Borje clude: bring people into the arenas and we don't want it to stop," said Salming, Illka Sinisalo, Jarmo Millys and the unforgettable 1. Andre The Giant league commissioner Brian Surray. Inge Hammerstrom were among the best chosen by Cher- 2. Borje Salming Close friends and relatives of Cherrypicker were astonished rypicker. He noted that "Hammerstrom could go into the 3. Mike Tyson by the change in his demeanour and liked it. "We had Don over corners with a dozen eggs and come out without any broken. 4. Steve Balboni for dinner today and he didn't burp, fart, or insult anybody, it Now that takes talent." 5. Martina Navratilova really was a pleasant change," said Cherrypicker*s longtime Doctors said Cherrypicker's condition didn't have a medical 6. Hector Pothier crony Raoul Treadway. name, but could draw similarities to when Fred Flintstone was 7. Kurt Rambis Doctors who examined Cherrypicker didn't find any ex- hit on the head with a bowling ball and changed into Frederick. 8. Craig Stadler ternal contusions or abrasions to his head but they found that "We believe that Cherrypicker suffered a 'Flintstone-like' in- 9. Skinny Minnie Miller Cherrypicker's cranial bone is "a lot harder than most 10. the entire East German jury and that it may take another puck to the side of his head to women's swim team peoples'", according to surgeon James Hoffa. Hoffa added that reverse the condition." it was "pretty scary that his head didn't split like a coconut and "The ethical question now is: Do we really want to reverse ooze white stuff." K-W soccer named it?" KITCHENER (Staff) - Kitchener's new pro soccer fran- chise has just received word that Who are these Hawks anyway? local industry giant Schnieder's You can walk across the Wil- watch the has committed sponsorship to the Waterloo Warriors frid Laurier University campus in slam dunk a team to the tune of $1 b-ball than watch the million about two minutes, but you can't Hawks dollars per year. inept Golden fumble judge their sports teams in that through the motions. Take the The current "Name the Team" Tom amount of time. Warriors for example, now contest has been put on hold, as there In fact, it would lake you a lot Conalltheway is real excitement. Go out and Schneider's CEO J.M. Smith has less time to say good things about named the team the Kitchener- watch the Warriors do anything. Laurier's football, basketball, They have brains as well as Waterloo "Wieners". hockey and soccer teams. Take it hopeful Joe brawn. Lets face it Laurier, which Wiener -- Formica from me I know. That's why I division and I didn't really care. field is so boring, anyway. welcomes the funding injection, on the football team made it to the don't go into great lengths ever The women won the Ontario I'd rather watch a real sport, like playoffs this year? but is taking the name with a about anything from Laurier. crown... and well I just plum package of salt. American Gladiators or Roller Hmmmmm? They are boring. forgot to write anything about the "I never sausage Games, any day. a stupid I mean, what the hell is a game. Oh well, there is always name for a soccer team. The only And the WLU football Editor's Note: We regret that Golden Hawk? Some withered next year. No big deal. Soccer is team...what a bunch of idiots. this is Tom's last column us, link to K-W in the name is bird for covered in a toxic chemical? just a silly sport played by a How could they play so miserab- as he is joining Wilfrid Laurier through the meatpacking plants. I'm sure, to not and I don't want bunch of crazy Europeans ly this season? Not that I really University as the Athletic Depart- I'd like to tell the guy to stuff it, know. anyway. Who the hell wants to care, but the loss to Waterloo was ment's Public Relations Director. but I'd only get put through the Take soccer the teams for ex- watch that? Everyone knows that great., I mean...tragic. Bas- We' — grinder at the first practice." oops, 11 miss you Tom win onefor ample. The men won the western soccer fans riot because the game ketball, well, I would rather the Gipper! The K-W Wretched 12Thursday November 30, 1989.- WLU Fembots Rasta Kitty Wretched Staff Cookie Leech, Director of Women's Athletics at Wilfrid Laurier University shocked the sports world yesterday with a bizarre confes- sion. She admitted that certain members of (he Ontario champion Lady Hawk's soccer team were in fact fembot androids from the Bionic Woman TV show. The plan to use fembots is an old one, and has been secretly in place for years. Ever since the robots first appeared on the Bionic Woman the WLU Women's Athletic department, covertly obtained the blueprints to them, planning to use them on their soccer team. Using secret labs hidden deep within the steaming bowels of the WLU campus seven fembots were created. In an amazingly well organized maneuver, the androids were placed within families who agreed to be a part of the operation. The families claimed the fembots as their own children, and once they finished high school the androids applied to and were admitted to Laurier. From there, it was a simple matter to get them on the soc- cer team, where with their robotically enhanced bodies and minds they were a great boon to the team. It was child's play to win the Ontario championship after that. "It worked like a dream," said Leech as they hauled her off to jail. "We had it in the bag," cried the crushed Cookie, weeping and crum- bling into a police cruiser. The androids functioned perfectly until the flight to Halifax for the National Championship. Experts who analyzed the fembots im- mediately following the shocking admission determined that there was something askew in their delicate circuitry that was thrown com- pletely out of whack by the high altitude encountered during the flight. "It's the darndest thing," said expert Felix Silverman. "Amazing machines, but they just can't fly. Good thing they weren't part of the WLU Skydiving Team or things would really have hit the fan. Not to mention the ground." The soccer team's coach Syed Mohammed was shocked and amazed by the confession. "I'm shocked," he said. "And amazed. Cookie never told me anything. I thought they were just really good soccer players. Always thought it was kinda strange how they would never eat anything, and they never slept a wink all through the trip to the Nationals. Really good soccer players, though. Really good." The names of the players who are fembots have not been released as of yet. Friends are warned, however, to be very careful around any Lady Hawk soccer player. As Jamie Sommers discovered, they can be pretty mean when they want to be. WLU President John Weir had the following to say about the af- fair: "I had nothing to do with it. I never approved of the proposal, so as far as I'm concerned it never happened. Besides, it's an athletic af- fair and it's not my place to get into these things. I just hope it doesn't Wretched photographer Mirko Websterovic went undercover to get this shot of tarnish the good name reputation of WLU in the eyes of the com- the Lady Hawk soccer team heading out of the showers after a recent victory. Fem- munity." bots or not? You be the judge! | SPORT TOURS PRESENTS * * 'I i' A MIDDLE EAST SPORTS GETAWAY! *Stay 44 nights at the plush AMERICAN EMBASSY. • I *See where American Troops committed hari-kari on their I rescue mission. I :f:Watch Isrealis bomb nuclear plants in Baghdad. I ;*Play golf on specially desinged mine fcilds , with guest H appearance by Ayatolla Assaholla. I *Watch oil tankers sink in the Persian Gulf as you play your H favorite beach sport. J I only % $36.99 t I 112 ■I HI WLU football star Rob Peneliuk was recently awarded the "Bud- weiser Top St.. Catherine's Athlete of the Year: Yugos- lavian/Hungarian Category". Here, Penteliuk receives his prize from Bud's great-grandson Buddy. Harvey Luong photo The Cord Weekly 25 Thursday November 30, 1989. The Scene at a glance You can't depend on yourfamily You can't depend on your SCENE friends THE You can't depend on beginning Greatness achieved in You can't depend on an end You can't depend on intelligence You can't depend on a God Twelfth Night You can only depend on one thing You need a Busload offaith to get by Jana Watson, Theatre Review major change: one of the main Lou Reed characters that played a link throughout, wasn't actually pres- music be the love, play If food of ent in the Feste, NEWS on. original play. the character in question, was based Muchmusic presents Fine Young on a compilation characters, The abridged performance of of Cannibals Live on Saturday De- and his speaking parts were just Twelfth Night at the Theatre of 30. Hot out of production, taken from other minor characters cember the Arts last Friday night was the the special was filmed in Seattle that were basically plot devices. best thing I've seen in live drama 30. don't miss Lou The actor, Sean Saunders, played October Also, in months. The cast were chosen Reed: The New York Album cap- the role a unifying clown from the senior drama classes at well of during his (sound tured live Theatre St. U of W and the major roles were familiar with the Denis concert in Montreal. doubled for some of the charac- Shakespeare thing again?) Concert - Celebration Three performances stood Videofacl a ters. out Canadian Music Video above the rest on Friday. Mal- of Twelfth Night is a chronicles the fifth anniversary volio, servant to Olivia, was Shakespearian comedy full of special from Montreal's Le Spec- played by Anthony Bristow. His A satisfying Result mistaken identities and un- trum, featuring Jane Siberry, voice, an affected and pompous requited loves. The story begins Andrew Cash, Richard Seguin, one, was perfect for the part. The Steve Burke, Concert Review when a woman named Viola gets Paul Piche and more. ability to play the straight man thrown off a she is ship that on when he was actually the object Last Tuesday at Taps, local "garage" band The Result played an with her brother Sebastian. A four-hour radio special Len- They of everyone's jokes was hilarious. energetic and eclectic double-set show to open for Doc Tokyo. With lose each and she non: Ilis Last Interview will air other ends up His staid, unshakeable manner influences comprising Led Zeppelin, U2, The Sex Pistols, Simple on a shore facing, in case across North America Friday De- the of was priceless. The scene when he Minds and The Cure, band members Dave Flitton (guitars, vocals), this abridged play, a cember 8. The show is based on jester named presents himself, previously dour Mark Lehman (drums) and Mike Pond (bass) delivered an Feste. To make a long story Lennon's December 8, 1980 in- short, and judgmental, as a mistakenly enthusiastic hour of original music, ending with a cover of The she disguises boy terview taped hours before his herself as a so encouraged love-sick suitor to Clash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go". she can serve her death outside of his New York love, the Duke. Olivia was the most memorable In its current form, the band has been a unit for 3 years, and has Unfortunately, the apartment. Check local stations Duke loves an- of the evening. He played it for become more serious about its future since third member and bassist for limes. other woman named Olivia, who all it was worth. Mike joined the group. With approximately 50 original songs written, love him. As doesn't it turns out, The Duke (Orsinio) was per- The Result is ready to prove itself to audiences in the local area. when Olivia sees Viola (disguised formed by Michael Albert. The "We also do covers, as long as they're fun, and the audience likes as a teen, remember) EVENTS she falls in decadence and laziness of the them. But you can't do covers exactly like they appear on records. love with him. Everything works nobleman was expressed well That's boring, and a waste of money for the audience. I think it's bet- ,'1'he WLU Symphony Orchestra out in end; the Viola even finds through body language and voice. ter to have a band do an interpretation of a song", insists band spokes- a special prc-Christmas her brother, ends up marry- However, at times he delivered man Dave Flitton, a WLU alumnus and currently a grade 8 teacher in .concert for members of the WLU ing Olivia, who really thought she lines as though he knew he would Kitchener. community November 30. The was marrying Viola disguised as get a laugh, which took away "We're quite diverse in terms of musical styles...folk, spanish, show will feature work by Soviet a teen. from the performance. rock, acoustic", Flitton continued. "We also play some 50's and 60's composer Dmitri Shostakovich in The play was abridged to The other performances were material". When asked about lyrical influences, Flitton suggested that recognition and celebration of the show the main action and the good, but not particularly the process of matching words to music was less dictated by external historic changes in the Soviet quick progression of mistaken memorable. It's possible, though, influences than simply the mood of the band. "We write the music Union. The concert begins at 8:00 identities -a frequent occurrence that this could have more to do first, then the lyrics, so the words often become less important than pm at the Recital Hall; admission in Shakespearian comedy. Parts with the parts themselves than the emotions evoked by the music", Flitton explained. "I tend to is free. the write of the play were switched around actual performances. most of the lyrics, whereas we all collaborate musically, making the in their order, but I didn't realize songs a fusion of our own influences, tastes, The American Poetry Associa- and abilities. The songs this until I went home and read are usually about relationships, but not John Cougar-type tion's annual poetry contest stories. the play afterwards. Aside from Some some They are about the emotions behind stories", closes December 31. Poets may are born great, the he stressed. this, the progression seemed natu- The played enter the contest by sending six achieve greatness, and some have two sets at Taps proved to be a good indication of the ral, though, except diversity musicianship. poems, each no more for another greatness thrust upon them. behind the band's talented After than 20 MORE ON PAGE 27 lines, name and address on each page, to American Poetry Asso- ciation, Dept. CT-90, 250-A Potrero St., P.O. Box 1803, Santa Cruz, CA 95061. Grand Erikson brings them back prize is $1000 and each poem is considered for publication in the American Poetry Anthology. J. Tyler Leatherland, Concert eluded most of the classics — Entry is free and everyone is wel- Review Harry Chapin and Billy Joel to come to enter. name a few. However he played Saturday night Cliff Erikson them with his own style frequent- Don't let the week pass without played to a full at ly interjecting his bizarre guitar checking house Wilf's out the ex-Pythoner Eric once again demonstrating playing ability. Idle his penned play Pass the Butler ability to captivate his audience. at the Princess Cinema. The play Cliff has been playing Laurier It is Cliff's talent to involve continues tonight through Satur- longer than he can remember. "I the crowd in his work that is the day, showtime is at 7:00 pm. really love Laurier, and I don't source of his success. Most of the expect anything less than an ex- crowd consisted of people who IN CONCERT cited crowd.", he said when asked had seen him play before and about a pretty wild crowd along wanted to see him again. It is this Aleatloaf plays at his second the bench. ability to bring them on back that home, Stages (the first being the keeps Cliff going. Highlands) December 4. He played two sets -- Cliff Maybe the fact that his per- The Bcurbon Tabernacle Band style. Starting off with "We're formance was short which marred will be at Phil's Grandson's Place Gonna Have Some Fun Tonite", my ability to enjoy him more. December 6. Opening the show he immediately grasped the Much to my dismay, the Wilf's will be local favourites Gordie crowd and soon had us singing staff saw fit to boost the lights Gordo and the G-Men. along with him. after his last set and not allow an Look to the Highlands December encore. 8 for Allanah Myles. Or was it just the effects of All in all, I think thai Cliff The Georgia Sattelites play at the beer? He made use of the Erikson is one of the better acts to the Highlands December 1. tipsy crowd by having would-be come on campus this year. It was Stages presents former "metal Laurier talent on stage singing the pcrfect way to spend an eve- queen" Lee Aaron December 11, CliffErikson plays the classics at Wilf's. (yeah, right!) along with him. ning chatting with friends, drink- His repertoire of songs in- ing and singing along with Cliff. The Cord Weekly Page 26 Thursday November 30, 1989 An Ounce of Reception By Steve Burke [The We are at the modest mansion ter the house together, like a Mr. F: Hey, Younger Sister, of the Fluxtable family. Mr. Flux- brother and sister should. slide Twist your butt over to this side of table is a self-made millionaire, the' table so that the camera can see who pioneered the ear-cheese all of our faces. muffin, and knocked over several D.T.: Dad, I found this wallet neighbourhood convenience D.T.: Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. in a locker at school today. Should I stores. Mrs. Fluxtable is bare- Mr. F: Hey, son. return it? is chested and pregnant. Their el- Mrs. F: Sit down, kids, and while Younger Sister: thesizeof Mom, this dest son, D.T., a born-again drug I make supper, you can pour out boy at school really likes me. Should 1 addict and part-time Oriental, is all your troubles, because we've sleep will) him? home from got nothing better to talk about, coming synchronized D.T.: Dad, I cheated on my swimming practice, as he meets and your dad and I have spent so cook- ing exam. Should I tell my his younger sister, Younger much time this afternoon making teacher? an Sister, on the doorstep. Thev en- presentable. airplane ourselves look Younger Sister: Mom, there's a parly tonight and there's going to be delicious alcoholic beverages, BOURBON soothing cigarettes and relaxing crack there. Should I innocently walk over there, remaining totally hanger... TABERNACLE oblivious to the illegal activities that surround me? Or can I bor- The Cord Weekly row the car? CHOIR D.T.: Dad, my friends think I Page 24 Thursday November 23, 1989. have homosexual tendencies. Mr. F: Move your Feizal Valli, Concert Review & chair down a I WEDNESDAY DEC. bit, son. Younger Sister: Mom, where do AT PHILS babies come from? Mrs. F: Well, younger sister, Whygo RATED BY THE they are the creation of screen- writers who have run out of TORONTO STAR AND storylines and foolishly think that an extra character in an already I economy? innane sit-com can somehow en- Q107 AS TORONTO'S MOST hance the overall quality of the production. Oh, we're at the 23 PROMISING NEW BANCj minute mark of the show, that I Ply first time alotted for the words of wis- dom from the head of the family- who, in typical sexist fashion, just happens to be the father. •' AT PHILS Mr. F: Just be CATCH •- yourself, kids. . • THEM• • 'J .... -- I class! - -"I- V.-; - KIDS: (together, with a sigh, and ■ ■ A'- . ..•■• pretending he said something j '• • v.; •• ' • profound, yet both realize he's an i uneducated, crass pig who puts n the family to shame) That was some Tiot Heals to nice, dad. We're both so glad to COOL PLACES! have a dad like you. All smile as the theme song; FULLY LICENSED about being the best you can be in j 111 UNDER the LLOO a cruel and indifferent world i devoid of fareness and compas- RESTAURANT I NIGHTCLUB sion booms over the soundtrack. WIDNESDAVJHURSDAV.SATHIIDAY ADMISSION FREE 849 CLASSIC ROCK | 70 S-80 S iVEOV IHOOSDAV! PH£SEHIS I The Commercial Tavern Presents get on the slopes with TRAVEL CUTS! DOREEN SMITH Outstanding skiiing at Whistler. Banff or and the Mont Ste. Anne, for a lot less than you'd expect. PRESSURE m / COOKERS l Try our Mont Ste. Anne 6 day 5 night package December 1,2. from $359 (Christmas), $299 (Spring Break). I -'uC c; NATIONALS TRAVEL CUTS December University Shops Plaza 8-9th 170 University Ave W. Waterloo THURSDAY NOVEMBER 30 BEGGAR'S OPERA 1 TEAMS FROM I CELEBRITY (519) 886-0040 E2 -.vS: Onl. Reg # 2592241 December 15th,16th CKCO.KWRECORD, BREWERIES. AREA BARS & RESTAURANTS & MORE! TRAVELCUTS 648-2644 341 Marsland Drive, Waterloo (519) 886-7730 GoingYourWay! j! ill 1 mile from both Universities I The Cord Weekly 27 Thursday November 30, 1989. Get the Result CONTINUED FROM PAGE 25 Reaching the end opening with the blues-luce "Fed Up", The Result proviucd a com- bination of acoustic and rock by Steve Burke pieces, intertwined with the 50's- I swingish "Love's Been Blue" and the Caribbean-sounding "I'm the answers the below Fill in to quiz and drop them off in the box at the Yours Tonight". The acoustic J Cord offices by 2:00 Friday. The entry with the most correct answers I numbers, as Faith", | will receive two free passes to The Princess Cinema. Playing this weekend: such "Lack of showcased each | Drowning by Numbers bandmember's abilities as emotional song- | 1. The Doors' "The End" is featured on what war film soundtrack? writers; some of the faster and heavier material emerged in the 2. The Last Waltz depicts the end of what band's career? songs "Miss You Dear" and 3. What is the name of the band in the parody The Last Polkal "You've Got a Problem Now", al- lowing each member to express 4. How old was Pu Yi when he was taken from his home in The Last his instrumental talent. Particular- Emperor? ly interesting was the song 5. The also The director of Last Emperor created Last Tango in Paris. What "Every Day", which is his name? in bassist 6. What is the name of the 10-year-old boy in The Neverending Story? Mike Pond relieved Flitton of his vocal duties, allowing the 7. What is Burt Reynolds trying to do in the comedy The End? guitarist to display some im- 8. Who directed The Last Picture Show? pressive dexterity with his Mash 9. What Sour is the of character the silent classic The occupation Emil Jannings' in fretwork. "We're trying to get Last Laugh? Mike to sing more, but he only 10.Who, star of The Abyss, The Right Stuff, and Walker, plays the D.A. in the sang that song so Dave didn't HBO-produced The Last Innocent Man? have to", the drummer noted. Blues Band The future of the band Name: Phone: is If you haven't seen them it will be the promising. "We should have our in the event that there is more than one set of correct answers, a draw will be held by the third demo tape done this sum- Scene editor. Results will be posted in the Cord office and in next week's issue. mer. We practiced a lot last year, so now we only need to practice Answers to last week's quiz: once a week. But there's not too 1. Jeff Healey 6. Hollywood many places in K-W that wel- 2. the Jitterbugs 7. a motorhome come live bands. I guess if we 3. red 8. The Sure Thing had a manager, besides myself, 4. Bob Hope & 9. rosebushes then someone could find us Bing Crosby 10. the Children of 5. a lawyer Paradise places to play", Flitton remarked. "We're a garage band, because Last week's winner of a one year membership to the Princess Cine- we play original material. Then ma: Mary-Lou Spencer again, we're not a garage band because we know how to play our 112ridgy December 1, Admission $2.00 instruments". >■1 1 1 1 jj, rtappytfour^ ■ Tues 2pm- 5 pm (y\ it COMPACT DISC Unlock the right doors. Bp RENTALS b Becoming a Chartered Accountant is like getting a master key to modern business life. Few other professional qualifications Ss£, open as many doors and keep them open throughout your career. lift CAs are respected throughout Canada and around the business world 1 as individuals who define the standards of professional excellence. That's why CAs have outstanding careers in almost every walk of life, in commerce and finance, in manufacturing and industry, in both the public and private sectors. Whatever your background, whatever you're studying, consider MERRY XMAS a career as a Chartered Accountant. and Make a key decision for the rest of your life. Happy Holidays Call or write for more information today. THE INSTITUTE OF < CHARTERED ACCOUNTANTS \ J OF ONTARIO Defining the Standards of Professional Excellence 69 Bloor Street East, Toronto, Ontario M4W 183 - W&W \ Telephone (416) 962-1841 Toronto area **SZvS& /J \ (Toll Free) 1-800-387-0735 - Outside Toronto \/ Telefax (416) 962-8900 East Side Marios look forward to meeting you all. The Cord Weekly 28 Thursday November 30,1989. Turn the volume up to eleven and time again Thoughts and their 1986 debut sings on it, and for another, it's demonstrated his and love from a rock n' roll point superior guitar-playing Especially For You. title comes from the best film abilities in of view. What is lacking in the ever made, Spinal Tap. such bands as the Scorpions, lyrics is made up for by the depth Tracks like "Girl Like You" So, as Nigel Tufnal says, "But UFO, and the original Michael of the guitar work. Schenker and "Blues Before and After" are this one goes to eleven..." Schenker Group. doesn't hesitate to show off his guaranteed to make little children • Feizal Valli In 1987 the German guitarist smoking guitar riffs in any of the cry and pregnant women miscarry teamed up with Irish vocalist 12 songs (that's including a Robin McAuley to while songs like "Blue Period" form a new bonus track on CD and cassette) MSG, they lire sad reminders of lost romance and released Perfect on Save Yourself, but the title and dead budgies. Timing. Just one album later, track is particularly good, featur- MSG has progressed immensely Guitarist Jim Babjak beats his ing a guitar intro that rivals Eddie with Save instrument like a man possessed Yourself. Van Halen's "Eruption". Also im- Robin McAuley has the kind by his house pets and singer Pat pressive are the melodic ballad, of voice that sounds strangely fa- DiNizio croons and hollers as if "Anytime", and a short in- miliar yet eludes you. On some 11 his goatee is on fire for the dura- strumental that bears a long tracks, namely "Bad Boys", he The Smithereens tion of the recording. name, "There has to be Another sounds much like Ronnie James Enigma Records Way". And, as if that wasn't enough, Dio, But McAuley's own unique With second guitarist Steve New Jersey's Smithereens there arc two additional reasons style shines through in others, Mann, who also provides the very put out possibly one of the Save Yourself such have why you should run, jog, hop or as "What We Need" and sparse keyboards, Save year's 11. McAuley-Schenker Group the Night." Yourself best albums with It is slither to your local record store "Shadow of is definitely an ideal album for their third LP, following the suc- to buy this album: for one, babe- Capitol Records The lyrics are average, and die-hard guitar lovers. cess of last year's Green Belinda Carlisle basically about life as a of-all-babes Michael Schenker has time performer - Tom Szeibel The First 112 Boredom of the jsrlfeiK-' Enhancers Week Ho," 0 Sunday NFL Football -1 00 to 11 00 PM Teams to be announced. Monday Night Football 9 00 PM New York Giants at SanFrancisco K-W's FIRST AUTHENTIC TEX-MEX Tuesday Night Turtle Races -9 00 pm RESTAURANT IS NOW OPEN You've Got To SEE it to BELIEVE it! We specialize in Authentic and atmosphere of Texas the food Wednesday Night - 9 oo pm MESQUITE GRILL FAJITAS The weird, the wonderful, the not so talented g, m winners of the LONDON POOP AWARD. EDNA &EDNA • Texas Longhorn • Marinated skirt J steaks - steak and COMING SAT DEC 9th 9:00 pm STRANGE DAYS • n a chicken breast REMINDER: 15 King St. N Waterloo is to be AVOIDED at all costs f t hard to give bad taste a good name" # "Trying . Botii fresh cut to resh sed FFilouj Pf.f any size you like |j RHAL MEX m SMOKE HOUSE rSTUDENTGOHOME! | -Enchiladas I "|*K2JS£hl. ! • BECAUSE: Burntos • Hickory smoked 112 CHEAP / \ • Taco A 1 Carbon beef ribs | BuS FAflte is oic&per. * smoked • mckory , ! Chimichangas° ! sausages F*RE. Jll[l J -rM/m S | PICKINS A WHOLE LOT MORE! Andrea Midgley of Guelph sent us her good reason for | going home (Cheap!) - and we sent her a voucher for a | free return trip anywhere on our system. If you have a | - and | • Nachos • Buckets of Imports good reason send it to us with your name, address phone number. If we publish it - we'll send you a voucher | • • Queso Flamedo Burgers I just like Andrea's. Mail to: Gray Coach Student Contest, | • West, Toronto, Ontario MSG IZB. | Chili Con • 180 Dundas Street Queso Chili I | • Marinated Wings • Sandwiches Fajita J i GrayCoach j THE TEXAS LONGHOBN CAFE A S ! 667 KING ST. WEST r 3PSHI jSjjji MhTiieS VV7 7 I r-—* TEXAS z KITCHENER, ONTARIO PwliT I I A reclining seat. Air conditioning. A washroom. And TEL: 570-2554 I W or«TO o. somebody else to drive. MO THRU SATURDAY jL. < NDAY I donatkxi by the TLC toih?K-VV 11:30 A»M. TO 1:00 AJVL \ I Student Union Info Centre, Student Union Building / Hospitals Func SUNDAY 11:00 TO 11 P.M. A.M. tlc|\ | Telephone 884-2990 J j (y"a'it !We(come % 1 The Cord Weekly 29 Thursday November 30, 1989. SPORTS Dopson, Puhalski shine in wins By Leslie Lamers goal. A trio of Hawks rounded The WLU shutout bid was Cord Weekly out the first period scoring — snapped with 5 minutes left in the OUAA action in Kingston last Brent Bywater scored on a power period. weekend upped the Hawkey play, Pete Choma blasted a low, Peter Hellstrom found the goalie's in the period as a Hawks' record to 9-1-0 as they hard shot between the mark third overtook Queen's 6-1 and legs, and Mike Maurice added a result of the Hawks' intense tomahawked the RMC Redmen goal - to end the first period 4-0 forechecking and the game ended 10-0. Hawks. in a 6-1 Laurier win. The Gaels Intensity was lost in the sec- dropped to 2-6 on the year with WLU 6, QUEEN'S 1 ond, with Ruchin taking an injury the loss. The Hawks took a quick start that left him out of Saturday's in Friday's game against the game. Rookie Scott Driscoll Golden Gaels, played at Jock netted a 40-foot wrist shot high WLU 10, RMCO Harty Arena in Kingston, with into the net for the Golden Laurier goalie Rob Dopson notching an early Larry Rucchin Hawks' only score of the period. recorded his first shutout of the season Saturday night, kicking out 21 shots on net by the Red- men. Unfortunately for the Red- men, their goalkeeper could not match Dopson's performance, as the purple and gold hammered 50 shots at the RMC pipes. Mike Maurice led the scoring charge with four goals, with Greg Puhalski potting two goals and adding six assists. Dan Rintche, Warren, Driscoll and Choma also found success. Dopper the stopper has smothered all but two pucks per From Puhalski's first power game this season to lead the OUAA. Pat Mitchell photo play goal onward, the Hawks showed disciplined play. Dispite Rucchin being out and the Red- men's strong first period, the Hawks played the body very well. What happens when the hockey team plays in King- OUAA SCORING RACE RMC's frustration was evident, ston and the sports editor is in Hamilton? File photos with much verbal slander being of #24, who looks like a guy we recognize, but don't Greg Puhalski WLU 9-21-30 passed throughout the game. Dis- want to take a chance. Pat Mitchell photo Mike Maurice WLU ciplined play created goal scoring 16-12-28 opportunities, with the Hawks Tony Crisp Waterloo 14-10-24 taking five goals on power plays. Timlannone McGill 9-11-20 Coach Wayne Gowing Mike Choma WLU 10-9-19 seemed pleased with the team, CIAU HOCKEY TOP TEN commenting that "We'd like to be John Goodman Ryerson 9-10-19 10 and 1 by Christmas". The JimLuciuc UQTR 7-12-19 Hawks played five good periods 1) Calgary Alberta of hockey where they skated, 6) checked, created scoring op- 2) Wilfrid Laurier 7) Waterloo portunities and maintained dis- 3) York 8) Western Ontario OUAA TOP GOALIES cipline well. Who's next? Ryer- Thomas son. The team travels to face 4) Manitoba 9) St. Rob Dopson WLU 2.00 Ryerson Friday night, with the 5) Moncton 10) UQTR Mike Bishop Waterloo 2.11 game starting at 7:45. Jamie Reeve McGill 3.14 Robert Desjardins Concordia 3.43 Willie Popp York 3.60 Volleyists to 3-3 THE ALL-TIME Chris Dodd The team found itself in the consolation round Cord Weekly facing Michigan State. Coach Smith decided to play the second string team, and the result was a SCORING LEADERS The Wilfrid Laurier Golden Hawks men's vol- loss to a weaker squad. leyball tarn leaped into action on Thursday night as "We were capable of beating Michigan State," Denis Castonguay Laurentian 124-141-265 they rolled into the gym of the Brock Badgers and said Davis. Rick Mastroluisi McMaster 111-150-261 proceeded to roll over the Badgers in three straight The next team faced was Ryerson, a team the Steve Monteith Toronto games. The Hawks disposed of the opposition in Hawks had already beaten this year, but midway 102-147-249 Jess than fourty-three minutes and Coach Don throught the second game disaster struck. Veteran Ken Minello Windsor 113-125-238 Smith emptied the bench and let everyone get in on Andy Fenton went down with a sprained ankle, and Grey Bullen McMaster 98-134-232 the action. The extremely weak Brock squad was without his hitting power, WLU was defeated by Don McLaughlin Toronto 85-136-221 overpowered 15-7, 15-6, 15-4 by the boys in gold, Ryerson and finished a disappointing 15th overall. Steve Molaski RMC 76-129-205 as the team seemed to get stronger as the match "It was tough to lose Andy," said Davis, "be- Paul Stothart Queen's 103-101-204 went on. cause he was playing well for us." Fenton is slated "The whole team played well," explained as- lo return to team Steve Linseman Waterloo 78-129-197 action after the break. The is wel- sistant coach Steve Davis. "It's hard to single one coming the rest that the Christmas break will pro- Chan Toronto George 93-98-191 guy out above another." The win ties the team for vide as they don't play again until January 6th. The Mike Todd Toronto 65-125-190 third place and lifts their record to a respectable 3-3 volleyball Hawks are essentially where they wanted Andre Hidi Toronto 91-98-189 on the season. to be at this point of the season, and they have their Paul Laurent Toronto 95-91-186 The team was also busy on the weekend as they sights set on second place after the break. x-Greg Puhalski WLU 75-111-186 traveled to Guelph for the Guelph Invitational with "We would like to come back and pick up MikeTomlak Western fifteen other teams. The guys were optimistic head- where we left off," said Davis as the team looks 70-116-186 ing into the tournament but things just didn't go forward to a trip to the playoffs. The squad plays its their way. The Hawks lost a hearlbreaker to U of T next home game on the January against the x-still active 12th of in their first match and this would set the tone for Western Mustangs. It promises to be an exciting the rest of the tournament. match that will not disappoint. The Cord Weekly 30 Thursday November 30, 1989. — Amort Cingtrit * Ert> Strict J. Golden Hawk Wrapup Mt-' '4y Watarioo (m) 725-0261 15ir3X®Sr tional including Western, Water- of the season last Saturday at Lady V-Ballers loo and only McMaster. With two Western. The team coached by returning players from last year's Therese O'Connor finished 6th 1-2 at tourney squad, the young Lady Hawks out of eight schools. Luraine went winless throughout the Minken was the top skater com- no league games sched- tourney. The team is looking for- ing second in the Sr. B singles uled last week, the Lady Hawks ward to its next competition, a event. In-her Sr. Solo Dance competed in the Guelph Invita- cross-over meet at McMaster on Kristine Nichol took 4th place, tional on Friday, playing Toronto January 20th and 21st. and in the team isolated moves' in their first match. Unfortunately the Lady Hawks finished 4th. they lost the opener 3-1, but Next competition will be held bounced back lo crush Seneca Lady Roundball January 19th at York. College 3-0 in their second game. The up and down Hawks were The Lady roundballers con- then defeated 3-1 by Queen's in tinued exhibition play last Satur- the consolation final. day hosting Queen's. Without in- Six Rugby The women resume league jured point guard Dayna Perry, play this Tuesday at Brock and the Lady Hawks were defeated Hawks Thursday at McMaster. 54-52. Janis Field led the way named with 16 as Ryan points Coleen The and Sue Division II champion Little added 10 points WLU THIS WEEKS SPECIALS each. Golden Hawk rugby squad placed six players on the Panties 2 for $7.99 The women do not play again Squash starts divisional all-star team that was Grenier Bras $9.99 reg $29.99 until December 30th at the Ryer- named The women's varsity squash recently. Gord Young Ladies Eel Skin Wallets $29.99 reg $69.99 son Invitational. team began competition last Sat- (#8), Jamie Dol (lock), Doug Silk and Wool scarves $25.00 to $60.00 reg up to $90.00 urday hosting the West I Sec- Purdy (Wing Forward), Chris Ross (Scrum Half), Dan Howe Skaters figure well (Wing), and lan Allison $uper Selection $uper Savings $uper Service (Fullback) were the Hawks The women's figure skating named to the OUAA Division II Super Optical team had their first competition All-Star Team. Hazuks-of-the-Week BSiiiHH f"o% off"! GREG | WITH THE PURCHASE OF LENSES j PUHALSKI EXPIRES DEC. 30/89 Veteran centre Greg Puhalski from Thunder Bay had 10 points in FREE I two victories last weekend in being named WLU's Male Athlete-of- the-Week. Puhalski had two goals and six assists in Saturday's 10-0 FRAMES win at RMC and two assists in Friday's 6-1 win at Queen's. —L ! $50 off"! LURAINE MINKEN I ANY CONTACT LENS PACKAGE Third year figure skater Luraine Minken took 2nd place in the Sr. | EXPIRES DEC. 30/89 B singles event at the Western Invitational last weekend to earn ' Lady-Hawk-of-the-Week honours. The psychology major from COUPONS ONLY \' ALID AT TIME OK PIJKCAHSE, — - Brantford was also part of the team isolated moves that finished 4th. NOT VALID WITH OTHER COUPONS. NO CASH VALUE. I WIN $50 WLllgyj Cheap j Design a new logo for your Students' ChriStlllSS Union and win $50 for your efforts. \ &,r \ Oi. yri T\C T - & The Students' Union needs a new logo a logo that will \ VjVJ* \ • show the students what WLUSU is and what the \ \ *1 I 1 have acronym stands for. In the past, many comments *T)0 c c I "\T Q Q ? "■" been made about Laurier's Student Government; mainly «/ t-JtF VV/li I/O - what do they do with our money? People sometimes do not realize that WLUSU stands for the Students' Union cit the Info Centre. and therefore anything by this logo does not "branded" N OW VOU have no eXCUSeS tO avoid Sending Union actually convey the message that the Students' . provided the event or service. For example did you know tllOSe CmlStHlclS C . . to _ pm. Drawings can be submitted the Student Union „ home for the t offices, second floor S.U.B. next to the T.V. lounge. The Getting you holidays! only restrctions are that no one can submit drawings that have been designed on WLUSU or WLUSP computers. , \ The Cord Weekly 31 Thursday November 30, 1989. OUAA Hockey West Team GP W L T F APts the LAURIER 10 9 1 0 81 20 18 SCORES Waterloo 9 7 2 0 48 19 14 Western 8 5 1 2 37 31 12 Brock 9 4 1 44 Hockey 4 52 9 OYVIAA Basketball OUAA East Guelph 9 4 5 0 40 37 8 Windsor 9 4 5 0 33 33 8 T F A Pis Team GP W L T F APts Team GP W L Laurentian 11 3 8 0 40 79 6 1 1 Lakchead 2 2 0 0125117 4 Yo?k 9 7 50 27 15 RMC 11 1 10 0 33 79 2 Brock 1 1 0 0 71 54 2 Ryerson 9 5 4 0 39 46 10 Western 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 UQTR 8 4 3 1 35 31 9 Results: LAURIEK 0 10 4 5 1 44 36 9 0 0 0 0 0 0 McGill McGill 5, Brock 4 Toromo ! 1, Laurentian 3 10 4 5 1 39 42 9 Windsor 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 OiLawa LAURIER 6, Queen's 1 Waterloo 4, Queen's 0 9 4 5 0 38 43 8 Guelph 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Toronto LAURIER 10, RMC 0 Concordia 3, Guclph 2 9 3 6 0 28 34 6 Waterloo 1 0 1 0 54 71 0 Concordia Brock 8, Concordia 5 Waterloo 10, RMC 9 2 7 0 26 46 4 1 McMaster 2 0 2 0117125 0 Queen's Guelph 5, McGill 3 Laurentian 4, York 2 Results: Results: Upcoming Games: Brock 71, Waterloo 54 Ryerson 4, Toronlo 2 Waterloo 4, Queen's 0 LAURIER atßyerson (Fri. Dec 1, 7:45 pm) McGill 5, Brock 4 Concordia 3, Guelph 2 Ryerson 5, Concordia 4 Laurenlian 4, York 2 LAURIER 6, Queen's 1 Guelph 5, McGill 3 OUAA Volleyball Brock 8, Concordia 5 Toronto 11, Laurentian 3 Team GP W L F A Pts Waterloo 6 6 0 18 2 12 Western 4 3 1 10 6 6 LAURIER 6 3 3 13 11 6 Windsor 6 3 3 10 12 6 McMaster 6 3 3 9 13 6 Guelph 5 14 8 12 2 Brock 5 0 5 3 15 0 Results: Waterloo 3, Guelph 0 LAURIER 3, Brock 0 Waterloo 3, Windsor 0 OWIAA Volleyball Team GPW L F APts Brock 7 5 2 18 8 10 Windsor 4 4 0 12 1 8 McMaster 5 3 2 11 10 6 Wesiern 4 2 2 6 9 4 Waterloo 5 2 3 10 9 4 Lakehead 4 1 3 6 11 2 : JSf --SSI . \3*mMi& 'iM JFwtk M IU Jv , ■ LAURIER 4 1 3 4 9 2 t i Guelph 5 14 3 13 2 Results: Waterloo 3, Guelph 0 Brock 3, McMaster 0 "* Western 3, Waterloo _ 1 J,w - '■ «2t J 1 •£ ; Mv- *M^>j>»dfs3«*sf»fl^wr^itw- :: • v ••f^iasrs**^ HHH ■■ LSAT i i GMAT What's the best part about a Prep courses being CMA? for the: The rewards don't stop at five. FEBRUARY 10 The CMA designation is the hallmark of a win- sionals hold senior management positions. LSAT ner. It brings public recognition and the chance The Society of Management Accountants JANUARY 27 to meet stimulating people while performing offers a program of professional studies and prac- interesting and important work as a respected tical experience which ensures successful entry professional. into the business world, and a rewarding lifestyle. GMAT Certified Management Accountants enjoy Put yourself in the picture. .Enroll in the CMA excellent earning potential and with it, the program. Call or write: 70 University Avenue, Call: opportunity to lead" the lifestyle of their choice. Suite 300, Toronto, Ontario MSJ 2M4 (416) 977-7741 (416) 923-PREP (7737) Currently, over half of Canada's CMA profes- Ontario Toll Free 1-800-387-2932 or CMA 1-800-387-5519 The Society of Management Accountants of Ontario for information and SETTING THE STANDARD starting dates' The Cord Weekly Page 32 Thursday November 30,1989. " Snow's All-Decade WLU Sports Teams By Chris Starkey Cord Weekly Since this is the last Cord of the decade, the sports department has decidcd to come out with the All-Eighties team. And since I have been around for half of it, the sports editor nominated me to do the compilation of names -- some familiar, some not -- that you see here. In some cases, I talked to coaches and players of former years, in others, I guesstimated from popular AC folklore and back issues' of the Cord. Since the team's are considered to be the decade's best players with only one or two years at WLU are less likely to be found. WOMEN'S SOCCER F Marg Churchill MF Laura Farrer 1982-83 Hawkey Team, best WLU squad of the 80's F Taniaßusynyk MF EdnaChu (with the '87 soccer Hawks a close second). F Loreen Paulo MF TraceyMatson F Lisa Fee FB Nena Orescanin SW Blair Fowlie FB Heather Purdy HOCKEY GK Sue Wilson 1ST TEAM 2ND TEAM WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL C Greg Puhalski C Terry McCutcheon S Marg Mizuik WH- Ruth Hirtle RW Beric Sykes RW Dave Banton PH- Carol Stewart MB- Cathy Hall LW Tim Glencross LW Paul Roantree PH- Allison McGee MB- Debbie Whatmore D Eric Calder D Joel Levesque D Rob Whistle D Welf Rellinger GK Terry Thompson GK Steve Bienkowski WOMEN'S BASKETBALL C- Catherine Foulon F- Sue Little G- Ann Weber FOOTBALL F- Sue O'Brien G- Kris Peel OFFENCE DEFENCE C Brian Breckles DL Veron Stiiiadis OL Rod Connop DL Dave Shouldice THE Football Quiz OL ToddTurnbull DL Bill Madden OL Mike Choma LB Alex Troop By Chris Starkey OL Kris Keillor LB Dave Kohler (all records refer to the "modern era", being 1971 to present) SB Doug Reid LB Rich Payne SB Paul Nastasiuk LB Neil Ostrom 1. Which trophy has a Laurier Golden Hawk been awarded in 7of the WR Ken Evraire HB Geoff Belanger 14 years of its existence? WR Joe Nastasiuk HB Dave Lovegrove 2. Since 1971, only Western has a winning record versus the Golden FB Luc Gerritsen HB Norbert Isaacs Hawks (21-10). Which team has had the next best record? 3. WLU posted a was by RB Andy 78-15 win, then shelled 65-8 this OUAA Cecchini HB Rohan Dove team in the span of three years. Name it. Philp QB Rod HB Barry Quarrell 4. What is the combined score in WLU/Waterloo games the past six years? (regular season) K Rainey Steve 5. What was the most lopsided Laurier win? P Ken Evraire 6. What is the only non-OUAA school to have recorded more than one win against the Hawks? 7. Which Laurier quarterback/receiver duo combined for the longest pass play in OUAA history? 8. A Wilfrid Laurier punt returner is in the OUAA record books for MEN'S SOCCER most yardage and most touchdowns in one season. Who is he? MF Fraser 9. Which WLU running back still holds the single season rushing F Roy Abraham Scott record of 1078 yards? F Kevin Adams MF Barry McLean 10. Three Golden Hawks are among the top six in scoring in OUAA F Rich Sutter MF Lyndon Hooper history. Name them. F Frank Anagnostopoulos FB Joe Formica SW Peter Gilfillan FB Dave Murray THE STUMPER: at GK Eymbert The only 300-yard rushing game in the history of the OUAA came ST Paul Scholtz Vaandering the expense of the Golden Hawk defence. Name the player. playoffs 1981 the in Western Marshall, Blake MEN'S BASKETBALL STUMPER: THE C- Chuck Klassen (196,6th) Rainey sth) (200, 3rd), (218, Guyles Jerry 10. F- Mark Polischuk G- Steve Forden Steve and Reid Jim Rcid Jim 9. F- Bob Fitzgerald G- Tony Marcotuliio Bennett Paul 8. vs. yards to Philp Rod 7. 1987 in Waterloo 106 Evraire Ken games Lauricr vs. semi-final CIAU 1987 and 1978 the won who Thunderbirds, ÜBC 6. 1974 in 15 York 90, WLU 5. MEN'S VOLLEYBALL 170-16 4.' 1975 in loss the 1978, in came win the Lancers, Windsor the 3. S Dan Wagar WH Steve Davis (7-15-2) Lancers Windsor the 2. PH Mike Moffat MB Larry Rourke year the of rookie OUAA for Trophy Marshall Norm ihe 1 PH Tom Laurence MB Doug Wilson answers