2 Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 news

Oh, the Humanity!

lected 421 signatures in total, 30 of Wil - elected president, the consequence is said. By Natalie Crnosija son’s signators had put their SOLAR ID that the executive vice president will be - Senator Aharon Eliezer Benelyahoo numbers in the place of NetID num - come the president for the entire fol - joined in the criticism, saying that a bers. Though the USG election bylaws lowing year.” dangerous electoral appeals precedent The Undergraduate Student Gov - do require SOLAR ID numbers for can - The terms of vacancy would require could be established by accepting Wil - ernment’s Supreme Court unanimously didacy petitions, the petition forms re - governmental reshuffling in late Octo - son’s candidacy. ruled on March 30 that this year’s only quire NetIDs. Patestas, who followed ber, a task which the current Senate was Benelyahoo and Senator Syed Haq presidential candidate was permitted to the election bylaws’ NetID requirement, not eager to support. both pointed out that Wilson’s fate did campaign, and essentially win the USG disqualified Wilson on that basis. The Brady, who would later act as Wil - not fall under the Senate’s jurisdiction. presidency, after his candidacy was ini - reason for the invalidation of the son’s advocate during the March 30 This, however, did not halt the debate. tially disqualified by the USG Constitu - SOLAR ID number requirement exists hearing, expressed his dissatisfaction “We can make corrections to the tion’s incongruous election bylaws. because that number could be used to with the bylaws but said the situation bylaws,” Haq said. “But we cannot do Presidential Candidate Jasper Wil - steal students’ identities and should be was only a glitch in the bureaucratic anything until the court rules.” son’s signed petitions, the requirement struck from the bylaws, Senator Adam process, not a failure and could be cor - The amendments to this section of for a student to become eligible for USG Kent said . rected. the election bylaws were drafted prior campaign funding, were disqualified “The election bylaws are an unmit - There were five other candidates to the election but the Senate’s executive based on the use of SOLAR ID numbers igated mess,” stated Senator Kevin who had been rejected by the same pe - council has yet to amend the contradic - in the place of the required NetID num - Brady at the March 26. USG Senate tition conflicts as Wilson, Patestas tory sections that require only NetIDs. bers on the petition forms, said Kate meeting. “There is a contradiction in said. Following the court’s ruling, these “The amendments should be Patestas, the chair of the USG election the section as to how a petition is vali - perspective candidates will have to in - passed by the end of the academic year committee. Although Wilson had col - dated. Keep in mind that if there is no dividually appeal to the elections com - so this will not happen again,” Executive mittee to be recognized as candidates Vice President Geeta Malieckal said. and receive campaign funds. “We will do another sweep through the Alternatively, Senator Shamell bylaws before the end of the semester.” Forbes argued that the privilege being The elections bylaws conflict post - extended to Wilson’s uncontested can - poned the campaigning process for all didacy was unfair because other per - candidates by nearly a week. spective candidates were rejected “Everyone was victimized by this because they were vying for contested situation,” Brady said. “But rules are seats in the Senate. rules, right?” “It is unfair to open the election up for vacancies and reject others in simi - lar situations in contested races,” Forbes The Stony Brook Press 3 features Stony Brook Miami: Red Hot

ogy’s founder Jim Simons and By Najib Aminy leading scientist Henry Laufer, who donated roughly $70 million. Stony Brook had also announced First there was Stony Brook Man - reaching $300 million in its capital hattan. Then there was Stony Brook drive. Southampton. Now there is Stony SBU, whose last attempt for ex - Brook Miami. pansion died with the failure of After months of deliberation, Stony Touro Law School, had been eye - Brook University is in the final stages of ing a number of institutions until acquiring the financially-challenged coming across the troubled FIU Florida International University and campus. The current faculty and adding it to its staple of campuses, ac - administration at FIU will be kept cording to an official close to President intact, according to the SBU offi - Shirley Strum Kenny. cial, however, some changes will be “The move was made to expand made. Stony Brook’s name and provide stu - For one, the school’s motto will dents with a cost-effective education be altered from “A first-class first not just in the New York area but also in class,” to “We are red hot!” Addi - Florida,” said the official, who asked to tionally, the athletic program will remain anonymous for leaking the in - follow Stony Brook’s scheme of red formation. “This acquisition will not and gray and change the mascot only increase the vast amounts of prop - from a panther to a seawolf. erty Stony Brook has but will increase Opened in 1972, Florida Inter - the amount of income the university national University has grown to rakes in.” the nation’s 25th largest university, The takeover follows a number of based on enrollment, with a size of budget cuts that have affected both uni - 32,000 undergraduates and versities. Florida International Univer - roughly 6,000 graduate students. sity was hit hardest when a number of Like SBU, FIU is a commuter its programs had been cut along with school located near some of the faculty and administration freezes. world’s most populated shorelines. “To allow the best academic setting Stony Brook Miami is scheduled to for our students we had no option but open in fall 2009. New Yorkers can to look into a possible merger or even expect to pay an in-state tuition acquisition with another university,” like Floridians. said Michael Rodrigo, an FIU public re - “At this point all that needs to lations officer. Rodrigo neither con - be done is dot the ‘i’s’ and cross the firmed nor denied SBU’s involvement ‘t’s,” the official said. with a possible acquisition. Students may begin registering The financial cost of the acquisition for classes sometime during late- has yet to be released but sources close April and early-May, according to to the deal are speculating the cost to be the Stony Brook official. Graduate somewhere between $370 million and programs are also offered from $400 million, a bargain price for a com - nursing, marine sciences, journal - petitive school. “It’s a buyers market,” ism and theatrical avant-garde. the anonymous source said. The acquisition announce - Just last winter, SBU received large ment is expected in early May. donations from Renaissance Technol - 4 Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 Editorial Board editorials Executive Editor James Laudano Managing Editor Andrew Fraley We’re not Saying We’re Bitter... Associate Editor Najib Aminy Spring Break is upon us, and for But this is all just par for the course, relocated due to renovations to the Business Manager those of us lucky enough to be stuck on right? People are supposed to go home Sports Complex, which never actually Katie Knowlton campus for the week, this can mean a for Spring Break, and the unlucky souls happened. I-CON isn’t coming back Production Manager number of things. To start, it means that who are stuck here for the week are in next year either. It may never be back. Tia Mansouri you’re stuck in a virtual ghost town for the very small minority. But has anyone So now we have a gym that’s not reno - News Editors a week, with absolutely nothing to do. else noticed that this is starting to apply vated, and an enjoyable weekend event Natalie Crnosija Campus dining halls have shorter to not just holidays, but weekends too? that no longer exists on campus. Cindy Liu hours, if they’re even open at all. Some Shorter campus dining hours, almost Without getting too sidetracked, we Features Editor buildings, like the Student Union, close no weekend events, etc. It’s almost as if would just like to say thank you, Shirley Alex Nagler at the wee hours of 6pm. A building, the school were discouraging student Strum Kenny, and thank you, Stony Arts Editor built for students with taxpayer money, life during the weekend, and not just the Brook University administrators, for Kelly Yu won’t even stay open for the poor out- holidays. But that’s not what Shirley making Stony Brook University such a Photo Editor of-staters and international students Strum Kenny has said. She’s claimed dismal place to be, not only during Roman Sheydvasser with nothing to do. Not that it really time and again that we’re a true resident school, but on the weekend too. We pre - Liz Kaufman matters; over the years the Union has college, with a robust weekend life. We dict a couple top spots in the next Copy Editors been stripped of almost everything that tend to disagree, Shirley. Another good Princeton Review “Least Happy Stu - Ross Barkan made it an enjoyable place to frequent example of this is the noticeable lack of dents” category. Go Stony Brook Uni - Erin Mansfield (if you don’t know what we mean, ask I-CON this year. One of the few long- versity! Webmaster yourself why it’s called ‘club alley’). standing traditions at this school was Chris Williams Audiomaster Andrew Fraley Ombudsman We Be the Fourth Estate... Jowy Romano

You would think that with 32 peo - busy texting at meetings and trying to A better question is: why is only ple running for USG Senate, at least two figure out how to defund us for hurting one person running to be the head of an thirds of them could be bothered to get your feelings to respond, but come on. almost 3 million dollar organization? Minister of Archives Jesse Schopefer back to us when we sent out an email There is no reason that more people Are things really that bad within the requesting that they answer four simple couldn’t have responded to this. USG that only one person can hold questions. But no. Our main issue isn’t with the new their nose and jump? Why is it that the Layout Design by Jowy Romano We’ve only had seven responses to people who’ve decided they want to only person running for this position is our four simple questions. And that’s enter the madhouse and play with the a complete outsider with no experience not including the multiple vice presi - loonies who didn’t respond to our inside USG, but plenty of experience Staff dent positions, many of which have query; it’s with those who are already outside running a successful club? This only one candidate running for them there. As stated, the numerous vice could have something with current Kotei Aoki Frank Loiaccono Ross Barkan Kenny Mahoney from the existing Senate. We under - president positions are uncontested by President Jeffrey Akita’s decision to not Vincent Barone Justin Meltzer Raina Bedford James Messina stand that you’ve been annoyed at us existing members of the USG. These are run for a second term at the deadline, Matt Braunstein Steve McLinden ever since we started detailing your people who have nothing to lose by an - forcing all those he had initially cor - Tony Cai Samantha Monteleone J.C. Chan Roberto Moya foibles again with the USG Update and swering a few questions as to what they ralled into not running against him to Doug Cion Frank Myles Whiskers T. Clown Amyl Nitrate that some of the more thickheaded plan to do that could be any different stick by their pledges and abstain from Laura Cooper Chris Oliveri members in your organization are too than what’s been done in the past. running for president all together. Caroline D’Agati Ben van Overmeier Krystal DeJesus Laura Paesano Eric DiGiovanni Grace Pak Joe Donato Rob Pearsall Nick Eaton Jon Pu Michael Felder Aamer Qureshi Caitlin Ferrell Kristine Renigen Vincent Michael Festa Dave Robin Joe Filippazzo Jessica Rybak Ilyssa Fuchs Joe Safdia Rob Gilheany Natalie Schultz David Knockout Ginn Jonathan Singer Joanna Goodman Nick Statt Jennifer Hand Rose Slupski Stephanie Hayes John Tucker Andrew Jacob Lena Tumasyan Liz Kaempf Marcel Votlucka Elizabeth Kaplan Alex Walsh Jack Katsman Brian Wasser Yong Kim Matt Willemain Rebecca Kleinhaut Jason Wirchin Iris Lin Jie Jenny Zou

The Stony Brook Press is published fortnightly during the academic year and twice during summer session by The Stony Brook Press , a student run non-profit or - ganization funded by the Student Activity Fee. The opin - ions expressed in letters, articles and viewpoints do not necessarily reflect those of The Stony Brook Press as a whole. Advertising policy does not necessarily reflect editorial policy. For more information on advertising and deadlines call (631)632-6451. Staff meetings are held Wednesdays at 1:00 pm. First copy free. Additional copies cost fifty cents. The Stony Brook Press Suites 060 & 061 Student Union SUNY at Stony Brook Stony Brook, NY 11794-3200 20 (631) 632-6451 Voice (631) 632-4137 Fax Email: [email protected] The Stony Brook Press 5 E-mail your letters to [email protected] letters Election Season Madness

The election season so far has been a disaster. The USG’s own Supreme Court had to step in to declare that the sole presidential candidate was actually eligible due to the number of the signatures on his petition being improperly formatted. The ruling came down to what the definition of a signature was, which in essence dove into how absolutely atrocious the organization controlling our money files its own paperwork. It all came down to the wording of a bylaw differentiating NetID versus SOLAR number. This delay, thanks to bickering over the meaning of the words, cost the election almost a week in campaigning time, which subsequently cost us time in trying to put this together. It’s amazing that the USG is upset that clubs won’t communicate with them when they can’t even realize how disorganized they are. Please pay attention to those who did respond to our questions. These are the ones who at least took the time to write us back. We may not agree with some of responses, but they took the time to tell us and to tell our readers what they’re thinking and how they plan to serve the students. To those who of you who emailed other people in USG asking if it was alright if you answered the four sim - ple questions and then didn’t take the time to write to us after having things clarified, we have this to say to you. Please be aware that the Stony Brook Press is indeed a separate entity of the USG Board of Elections, but also that we make up something more important than any elections board: those you serve. Free Pressalujha. April Fooled

Ever seen those ads asking if you’re “pregnant and scared?” Imagine for a moment that you were pregnant and scared; this might seem like the perfect place to turn to. With little money or resources, you would go to this clinic where they could provide you with assistance navigating the options you’re considering. Unfortunately, the chances are you’d be fooled. In reality, many of these centers attempt to coerce and intimidate women out of considering abortion as an op - tion, and prevent women from receiving neutral and comprehensive medical advice. They are Crisis Pregnancy Cen - ters (CPCs), sometimes operating under names like The Women’s Health Center or Pregnancy Resource Center. Unlike comprehensive women’s health centers, these clinics are typically operated by anti-choice or faith-based organizations, staffed only by untrained volunteers. They commonly disseminate medically inaccurate information tainted by their strong opposition to abortion and birth control. CPCs tend to target their advertising on college campuses across the country, and often misrepresent their serv - ices to make young women believe the CPCs offer professional counseling, pre-natal care and other options. The anti- choice organizations running these clinics commonly offer free pregnancy tests and counseling, but rarely offer medical care or have actual medical personnel on staff. In addition to the fact that the volunteers do not offer comprehensive options as a part of their counseling, the time and resources it would take for a young woman to go to this clinic could risk her health, and potentially compromise her pregnancy. According to a 2008 survey conducted by the Feminist Majority Foundation, 48% of responding Campus Health Centers include CPCs on their referral lists for students facing unintended pregnancies. Generally, the referrals do not specify the services offered, and thousands of women each year are referred to these clinics under false pretenses. The deception doesn’t end there though. A 2006 Congressional investigation of CPCs receiving funding through President Bush’s faith-based Compassion Capital Fund revealed that 87% provided false or misleading information about the health effects of abortion. Some of the medically inaccurate information included claims that abortions increase the risk of breast cancer, result in sterility, and lead to suicide and “post-abortion syndrome.” After visiting CPCs, many women report they’ve been told that condoms and other contraceptives are ineffective and there are reports of false re - sults from pregnancy tests, putting the health of these women at great risk. Over the last ten years, Congress has funneled over $1.1 billion in federal dollars to failed abstinence-only ed - ucation programs and so-called crisis pregnancy centers. These clinics received a boom in funding through the 1996 welfare reform act (Title V), which allocated $50 million a year in state block grants to fund abstinence-only programs. Under the Bush Administration, there was another dramatic increase in abstinence-only funding; in 2008, over $176 mil - lion was appropriated to these organizations - including CPCs - despite studies commissioned by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services showing abstinence-only programs to be ineffective. Beyond our borders, President Bush mandated that at least 1/3 of the $15 billion initiative to combat HIV/AIDS globally in 2003 be spent on abstinence- only and faith-based programs. More recently however, Congress passed the 2009 Omnibus spending bill which reduced federal funding for do - mestic abstinence-only education, some of which goes to “fake” clinics, by $14 million. However there is still plenty of work to be done. Regardless of ideology, we must work together to expose these so-called health centers that are put - ting young women’s lives and health at risk. Several states are considering bills that would specify that these centers are not medical centers, and these legislative efforts would further establish a set of standards that must be met in order for any facility to represent itself as a medical center. The ultimate goal, however, is to allow the scientific and medical facts to speak for themselves – that these clinics are dangerous and ineffective, and the stream of federal funding to all absti - nence-only programs must be stopped. It’s imperative that we work together to safeguard women’s health. Visit the Feminist Majority Foundation for more information and to get active at http://www.feministcampus.org/act/cpc/default.asp. The Stony Brook Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance will be tabling, armed with information and goodies to share, as well as a petition to sign to make your voice heard, in the Union on April 13 from 12-2pm. Request an ad Have you been fooled? Share your story and help protect our community! E-mail us at [email protected] , or packet: come to a Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance meeting, every Tuesday at 8:15pm in the Stony Brook Union, room 223. 6 Features Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009

USG Election Season Extravaganza! The heated battle for Executive Vice President!

John Krischenski in the Blue Cor - Alan Suchecki in the Red Corner of control…further actions have ner By Erin Jayne Mansfield to be taken.” By Natalie Crnosija One of his goals, he says, is to work Alan Suchecki, who has been the to improve the Student Activities Junior John Kriscenski, a candidate Vice President of Communications for Board: “The problem is that the events on campus cater to only a small part of for the 2009-2010 Undergraduate Stu - over a year now, is running to be Exec - utive Vice President, the highest con - the student body. We need to organize dent Government executive vice presi - tested election in the Undergraduate events that bring students together. ” dency, said he believes that he can Student Government this year. While working as the Vice Presi - contribute the most to Stony Brook The main job of the Executive Vice dent of Communications, he said that University through his election by re - President is to preside over the Senate he would often think to himself, “I’m forming communication between USG was so low at one point that we barely meetings, which many have alleged promoting them, but at the same time, and its clubs . met the two-thirds requirement to pass tend to become disorganized and un - I would not go to them.” Suchecki men - “As your Executive Vice President the USG budget, ” Kriscenski said. “It professional. He said he “would not be tioned that a possible solution would be I will work to simplify the complex used to take Polity an hour to approve cracking down” as much as others have a direct feedback method with which students could vote for events they pre - rules that leave many in our clubs baf - its agenda. e current Senate ’s atten - in the past, saying that senators still ferred. fled and confused, ” Kriscenski said. “I need to be treated like adults. dance is good and we get stuff done. ” The other is to create a new Un - will work to increase the communica - Kriscenski attributed the achieve - dergraduate Student Government web - tion between the USG and the students ments of the current Senate to the site because, “It’s not up to the students’ on campus that is so desperately moderation of current Executive Vice standards.” This year, he hired David needed. ” President Geeta Malieckal, who Mazza to be his assistant to help him fix A USG senator in his second term, Kriscenski worked with as the Senate ’s it. “I’m going to go along with what he Kriscenski views the role of the execu - president pro tempore. wants,” Suchecki said. tive vice president to be the moderator “She made my job very easy, Among the intended changes are of the USG Senate but said he will use Kriscenski said. “She had firm control updated contact information and office hours of USG members, and a social the role to insure that clubs and stu - of the Senate and got stuff done. ” networking component for groups to dents remain informed about Senate Kriscenski said the main problem advertise their events online. “Our goal rulings and activities. within the current Senate is that sena - is to have this whole thing done by the “Communication is a necessary tors do not know how to expedite leg - end of the semester,” he said. component for any legislative body and islation or solve problems efficiently . “John and I are both very qualified as the chair of the Senate, no club will “We need to work on getting things “I would express my discontent but for this job,” he said. “What it has to feel le in the dark, ” Kriscenski said. off the ground ,” Kriscenski said. “I at the same time not give out conse - come down to is who can lead better.” “Few students even know that the USG would institute training for senators so quences.” He added, “If things get out offers free legal advice or free tutoring they understand the bylaws more com - services right now. ese are the assets prehensively …I would also try to insti - of the student government that all stu - tute a unanimous concensus, which David Mazza do nothing, but I prefer to pretend dents should know about and should would expedite the approval of min - Running for Vice President of Commu - that this is a competition. be able to take advantage of. ” utes. We would be more effective if we nications and Public Relations I will create a Stony Brook Social Net - Kriscenski cites the current lack of got to a quicker start. ” work focused around events. Students communication between the USG Sen - Kriscenski believes that his experi - Why are you running for this position? and clubs will create profiles on this ate and students as one of the sources ence in the Senate and his work with I'm running alone for the VP of Com - network, and post events. is isn't just of student apathy at SBU. Increasing legislation makes him a better candi - munications and Public Relations be - an empty promise like the rest of the financial and academic pressures are date than opponent Alan Suchecki, the cause nobody else was nearly as capable crap from these candidates, I have al - the other sources of student indiffer - Vice President of Clubs and Public Re - or willing. My boss Alan Suchecki is ready done it. Sign up now at ence which Kriscenski hopes to remedy lations. vying for the Executive VP spot, and I http://sbulife.com for a preview of your by campaigning against the proposed e SBU Clubs and Organizations will slip into his chair as he moves on. new network. See davidmazza.net for 14-credit minimum for students to website, which is Suchecki ’s responsi - more information, and thank you for qualify for the New York State Tuition bility , has been a source of complaints What changes do you plan to make if your vote. Assistance Program. He also plans to for many clubs, according to a source elected? streamline USG financial bylaws to who preferred to remain unidentified . make them more understandable to “[Suchecki] is a strong opponent Before you continue to read, keep in clubs and facilitate communication be - and a nice guy and he is very good at mind that you have no choice in this tween the clubs and USG. making fliers for events, ” Kriscenski matter, because everyone else on cam - “I understand the frustration club said. “But I have more experience with pus was too apathetic to run against leaders feel when they go to apply for a the Senate. ” me. Whether or not you like the budget, only to learn that are missing Kriscenski cites his record as a changes I plan to make, they will be documents that they never were noti - moderate, hardworking senator and made. I could just as easily sit back and fied were not on file, ” Kriscenski said. president pro tempore as ideal qualifi - In response to criticisms of the cations for the executive vice presi - Elections Feature reported by Senate, Kriscenski defended the cur - dency. Natalie Crnosija and Erin Jayne Mansfield rent administration, saying that the 2 2- “ese qualities are essential member legislative body ’s attendance, for a successful executive vice president conduct and efficiency has much im - and if you elect me, I ’ll use them to Editors Note: Somehow these candidates are more qualfied than the proved over the years. make the Senate and the USG the most majority of everyone else running. ey managed to respond to an “Attendance at Senate meetings fair and effective it can be. ” email and answer a few questions. USG, go big or go home. The Stony Brook Press Features 7

USG Election Season Extravaganza!

Tahir Ahmad promise any changes as a Adam Kent itive changes within the Running for Senate senator alone because it would Running for Senate school. Not just in the official be out of my reach to do so. It capacity of USG, but also on Why are you running for this is up to the senate community Why are you running for this different areas that I can help position? as a whole to help implement position? out with. is year I helped changes through legislation with the Budget Cut Rally, I am running for this position that benefits clubs and organi - I first got involved with USG first and foremost because I feel zations, and the student body last year (2007-2008) in order that things could be done more in general. As a senator how - to help clubs out. I am run - effectively by the Senators at quiry on a particular issue that ever I do promise to work ning for senate because I feel USG, primarily their relation - they may be having, or a simple proactively with my colleagues, that this position enables me ship with other clubs and or - request that can be looked into. to attend all of the senate meet - to help them in the fullest ca - ganizations. As a member for a I am also running because I feel ings, to reach out to both clubs pacity. USG Funded organization for I have the leadership skills to and organizations and students the past two years I feel that we actively be involved in the Sen - to ask them what I may do for What changes do you plan to have had little to no interaction ate and can raise questions and them, or what they would like make if elected? and plan to help keep stu - by any of the Senators. I feel I give input leading to innova - to see on campus and will go on dents informed with things can be one of those Senators tion and great ideas. from there to relay this to the As a Senator the actual that will impact SBU student's that can extend my reach to senate and work with them col - changes made are mostly de - lives. I will like to help im - those clubs and organizations What changes do you plan to lectively to act ensure that these pendant on the committee I prove events that USG helps and can offer them something, make if elected? visions are implemented into would put on next year. What put out every year. I want a even if it's just a word of in - It is not feasible for me to our campus life. ever the committee I am on I larger appeal to more stu - will do my best to make pos - dents. Keith Tilley have current plans to work Running for Senate on overhauling the USG website with the future VP of Communi - Why are you running for this po - cations, David Mazza, so that the Moiz Khan that couldn't be further from make if elected? sition? Running for Senate the truth. It is plagued with Simply put, I am running to be a people there simply because I am not going to make fake USG Senator because I want to Why are you running for this po - promises like other people. change how the USG operates it - However, I do feel there is two self. From what I understand, the sition? USG is filled with dedicated and areas in which I can help dra - hard working individuals but, as A few decades ago, Stony Brook matically improve USG. Firstly a whole, it lacks a certain Trans - was considered the Berkeley of is USG's presence on campus parent and Proactive Approach the East, the current state of and also creating a venue for that is necessary for constructive Stony Brook does not reflect students to voice their concerns governing. I think the USG has student body can be well in - that at all. With the right people such that they will actually be gotten the bad reputation of just formed on what is going on heard. Most students don't have around campus. Finally, I prom - in USG, we can at the very least being an ATM for Clubs, who’s attempt to get things happening a clue what USG does and inner workings remain a mystery ise to work on certain issues like transportation on and off cam - on this campus. In the past cou - rightfully so, as it immensely to the Student Body and I want difficult to even get into contact OUR government to be more pus, getting better student events ple years, Ann Coulter was than that. (guest lectures, concerts, come - probably one of the biggest with most of those in USG. By dians, dances, debates, etc.) that names that we got on campus, working hard to create a work - What changes do you plan to will have mass appeal and I want there just is no way that a third- ing relationship with most of make if elected? to reach out to local businesses rate, talentless, misogynistic they want to get a paycheck or the groups on campus and also I have several key initiatives that and restaurants to find a way for bigot such as Coulter is the best build their resume. Its time to helping them plan budgets and I plan on working on. As I have students to use their Meal Plan we can do. Currently we have a change that. market events we can at the already said, I want to change Cards off campus. You can find very least make this campus out more details on the Student USG that on the surface seems how the USG works, I want to official and legitimate, but What changes do you plan to bearable for its students. Advocate for student interests, Advocates for USG Facebook not just allocate funds. I, also, Group. John Kriscenski sibility of the Executive Vice President is to that all students should know about Running for Executive Vice President fairly chair the Senate meetings, but I will What changes do you plan to make if elected? and should be able to take advantage of. also use that position to ensure that stu - Most importantly, as chair of the Senate I Why are you running for this position? dents and clubs are informed about the Together we can make the U.S.G. work for will work to provide effective communica - I’m running for Executive Vice President Senate’s activities. Communication is a the students it represents. As your Execu - tion between the U.S.G. and the clubs on because it is the position that would allow necessary component for any legislative tive Vice President I will work to simplify campus. I understand the frustration club me to contribute the most to Stony Brook. body and as the Chair of the Senate, no club the complex rules that leave many in our leaders feel when they go to apply for a e number one complaint I get from stu - will feel le in the dark. Over the last two clubs baffled and confused. I will work to budget, only to learn that are missing doc - dents on campus is that there is not enough years I have always been a fair, moderate increase the communication between the uments that they never were notified were communication between what happens in and hard working Senator. ese qualities U.S.G. and the students on campus that is not on file. e Undergraduate Student the Senate meetings and what clubs find out are essential for a successful Executive Vice so desperately needed. Few students even Government needs to work for us and I ask about (details regarding the budget process, President and if you elect me I’ll use them know that the U.S.G. offers free legal advice that you please join with me in fulfilling this passed legislation, etc.). e chief respon - to make the Senate and the U.S.G. the most or free tutoring services right now. ese goal. I will work hard for you. fair and effective it can be. are the assets of the student government 8 Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 arts&entertainment Harvey Milk Was Not Mayor of SF

first openly gay public official in By Natalie Crnosija America. Milk also begins his tenuous friendship with conser - vative Catholic supervisor Dan Hollywood loves Frankenstein and all his permu - White, his soon to be opponent tations. There is an industry in shooting the celebrity- and slayer, the Salieri to his gay- dead full of celluloid, making them walk around on rights Mozart. screen for two and a half hours with the expectation of The film, shot in the beige plaudits. Highfalutin productions about the epic, palate of the age, is marked by its tragic and ultimately triumphant lives of musicians, time; it is composed of frag - artists and persons of note have become the new B- mented footage of raids, beat - movie, populated by the living dead, hungrily grab - ings, riots and news reports. The bing at a golden man. narrative film is embedded be - With this precedent, “Milk,” a biopic of slain, gay tween these grainy images which San Francisco politician Harvey Milk, seemed formu - color and imprint themselves laic and destined to join the ghost land of Oscars past. upon the lives of the characters. It is not. And if other biopics are B-movies, This context prevents the film “Milk” is baroque opera in its highest form. It is as from being exclusively centered vital and gripping as any grand libretto of the past, but upon Milk and his Icarian fall. is simultaneously rooted in the modernity and divi - Milk’s story and success lifts the siveness of the 1970’s. gay rights movement. Milk’s life This duality makes such a lofty ascension unex - was focused on the fight for pected as the film opens in the bowels of the New York rights and the film, like Milk City with an ad executive’s casual pick up of a cherub himself, was a vessel for the haired youth. movement. The message, hope The ad executive, Harvey Milk (played with bril - for equality by all people, re - liant feeling by Sean Penn), has lived closeted his en - gardless of sexual orientation, is tire life. He laments his passive nature over a shared the true focus of the film. plate of birthday cake with Scott (James Franco), his The evolving, message- hookup who became something more. Together, they laden structure of Milk’s life and move to San Francisco’s Castro district and begin death is emphasized through the club or in some rarified atmosphere where there isn’t shaking up the corrupt system which nearly criminal - strategic use of arias and Milk’s own shift from hippie a care in the world apart from the availability of glow izes homosexuality. From Milk’s small camera shop culture to that of upper echelon, power culture. He is sticks. The characters are weighed down by the prej - begins a revolution which combats the prevailing gen - changed by power but remains true to the cause and udice around them and fight for the freedom to live der intolerance in America. dies for it in the most dramatic fashion. He is eulo - and love as they please. This film is an upgrade from Milk’s attempts at election are met with prejudice gized as an imperfect, selfless hero, whose quirks and “Brokeback Mountain” in that “Milk” is built on hero - which Milk conquers one handshake at a time. With endearing aspects made him the human face of the ism and strong, forceful, queer characters instead of his lightening rod status becoming bicoastal, Milk and movement. weakness and the tragedy of being gay. Scott are driven apart. With each challenge, Milk be - Milk’s delicate internal architecture confounds the “Milk” is ultimately about hope and the human comes more resolute in his fight. His eventual stereotypical “gay” role within a “gay” film as Broke - will to persevere, making even tragedy triumphant. achievement of the city supervisorship makes him the back Mountain did years before. He is not set in a Pokémon Platinum Grills

During recess, you’d hardball some wouldn’t stop you. You’d still be button - over the past decade. The comparison By Nick Statt first-graders for a couple holographic ing up your coat and chilling behind the points out that this latest installment is cards, telling them some extraneous ex - playground, Game-Boy Pocket in hand just an upgraded version of the last two planation as to why your cards, actually and trying to catch ‘em all. games that were released in unison last Ah, who doesn’t remember those worth far less, were in fact more valu - Flash forward eleven years and year. It adds nothing substantial and days? Flashback to third grade when able. That kid - the one who didn’t yet Pokémon is still alive and kicking, re - aims mainly to fix the bugs of its pred - Japan was just beginning to completely understand the concept of trading per - fusing to let anyone pull its plug. Poké - ecessors and rake in the big bucks of and utterly dominate the electronic and sonal possessions because he was mon Platinum , the latest in a series of anyone still willing to fuel their love for popular culture spectrums of American slightly autistic and his parents didn’t almost uncountable editions of the mid- inhumanely capturing undomesticated life, a secret scheme to excessively enact know it yet - would freak out and start 90s craze, was recently released for the creatures. revenge for the dropping of the A- fighting someone for the cards he just Nintendo DS on March 22nd in Amer - The continuation of the series bomb. The kid next to you - the one handed over, thinking he was getting ican stores. brings up an interesting point about whose mom wouldn’t buy him swindled. Platinum is to Diamond and Pearl American mindsets. While Japan con - videogames because of some religious The teachers would run out and what Yellow was to Red and Blue , and tinues to release Pokémon games be - creed you didn’t really care to under - break things up, cursing under their Emerald to Ruby and Sapphire . Does cause it’s simply a cultural tradition, stand - is trying to learn long division breath about that damn Japanese video that absurd sounding array of colors Americans’ fervent purchase of each while you’re busy rolling over in your game that has all their students so riled and gems mean nothing to you? Good, new addition creates an anomaly. Why head how many hours of sleep you’d up. Pokémon would be banned from that means you’ve probably saved your - keep holding on? Can Pokémon even be have to forfeit in order to raise your school grounds a few days later, but that self an inconvincible amount of time considered nostalgic in a country that Charizard to level 70. The Stony Brook Press 9 arts&entertainment Peggle, or: Positive Reinforcement, the Game

Peggle is a difficult game to de - depending on which one you use. it can buddy from a hail of gunfire or toiling By Kenny Mahoney scribe. If I had to sum it up, I’d say it drastically change your strategy. to level up your blacksmithing so you most closely resembles Pinball + In addition to the actual gameplay can finally make that sword you’ve been Plinko ... on crack. The object of the aspects, the aesthetics of the game make drooling over. The last thing you want game is to shoot a ball from the top of you feel incredibly at ease and comfort - to have to worry about is trying to sur - the screen down to the bottom while able. Other than the aforementioned vive a zombie attack right after you fin - trying to eliminate all of the orange col - rainbow-shitting unicorn, the bright ish a 12-page paper. Sometimes you ored pegs before you run out of balls. colors are soothing and a welcome con - just need to unwind with a game like Don’t think it’ll be that easy though, as trast to the varying shades of brown, Peggle , with no real consequences for you’re going to have to first hit some gray, and red seen in Resident Gears of failure that you can pick up and put blue pegs to make them disappear in Master Chief 4 , or whatever the hell down any time you want. order to open up shots to the orange shooter game came out this week. Not In closing, Peggle is a game that’s ones. Or, if you’re feeling really cool, only that, but you don’t have to drop easy to learn, but hard to master. To - you can strategically bounce your ball $60 on it either. Peggle has been avail - wards the end of the 55 level game, I off of said blue pegs to hit the orange able on the PC for a while now, but it was shooting balls like a pro, pulling off pegs. was also just released for the Xbox Live shots I would never thought possible But that could seem kind of boring Arcade for the low-low price of $10 or when I started. Peggle is definitely – just shooting the ball and watching it 800 points in Microsoft Fun-Money. worth checking out if you want a game When it got down to considering fall down to the bottom of the screen Every time you beat a stage, the camera that’s stress-free, has lots of bright col - games to review for this issue, many ti - and hoping it lands in the free-ball zooms in on the ball as it’s about to hit ors, and is just an all around blast to tles went through my mind. The newest bucket. However, the game’s 55 levels the last peg, and then plays “Ode to Joy” play. Pokemon would have been a good are incredibly varied, each one with dif - while the ball flies through the air with choice, or maybe the portable murder- ferent environmental obstacles. Oh, a rainbow-colored streak. And simulator Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown and everything is colorfully illustrated no, I didn’t make that up – it’s Wars could also have been a good one. and shiny. There’s a unicorn that farts just that fucking awesome. Ultimately, I decided I didn’t want to go rainbows. After you’ve beaten the 55 through the headache of a) having to In addition to the orange and blue level adventure mode, you un - find and purchase these games and b) pegs, there are also green pegs and pur - lock the challenge mode. Chal - having to devote a lot of time and en - ple pegs. The purple pegs grant you a lenge mode uses stages from ergy to something right before spring point bonus helping you rack up points adventure mode and gives you break. So, I decided to pick a game that towards earning free balls and high specific goals to complete, such was not only readily available, but one scores. However, the green pegs are as getting a certain score or that was cheap and pretty easy on the where the real fun is. Depending on eliminating a set amount of scrambled eggs that were once my which Peggle “master” you’ve chosen, pegs. And, if you’re playing the brain. This is why I’ve chosen Peggle , a the green peg will activate that master’s Xbox version, there’s also a mul - more casual game then some of the special ability. There are 12 masters in tiplayer mode so you can take more hardcore gamers want to admit all, each with their own unique ability. on your buddies both on and they’d play, and one that is definitely a Abilities can range from things like offline. good title for people that don’t want to multiple balls to adding pinball-style Ultimately, the gameplay is have to deal with the stress and brain- flippers to the sides of the stage. These relaxed and fun without the ache that other games drag with them. abilities vary the game incredibly, and stress of trying to save your bares no signs of its birth? Well, it could be because the last games and a revamping and healthy buffing of your life. Americans just love to dominate stuff. What better up of the side quests portion of the game. In the end I, and everyone else, can hate on the franchise all than to come upon an organism that at first glance though, it’s another Pokémon game, another month we want, but it doesn’t change the pure and simply may seem more powerful or more experi - truth. I paid money for it, am playing it right enced in its environment than you and just now, and am having a pretty good time. I asked snatch it up and put it to work with the earlier if playing this game was nostalgic and, help of some cool groundbreaking tech - in a twisted way, yeah, it is. Almost everyone nology (i.e. the poké ball or small pox. Na - played and loved these games. Kids let friend - tive Americans, cough). Africans, cough. ships crumble over feuds, all originating from Either way, Platinum is soaring in the sales Pokémon. Grades slipped, unhealthy gaming and doesn’t really bring that much to the habits surfaced. Obsessive-compulsive disor - plate. der over collecting things ran rampant within The RPG game play, which, ten years the mass of young kids who thrived on the ago, acted as a harsh gateway drug to the pursuit or achievement of perfection. Final Fantasy series and MMOs (the Pokémon was not really that productive for equivalent of cocaine and heroine in gam - the growth of children. But, no matter how ing), is relatively untouched. Previous in - many people jeer at you in public or how many stallments attempted to add upon the girls definitely won’t talk to you, it feels good to foundations with dual-battling, more embrace the series and whatever new install - story-oriented game play, and of course, ment it brings. That’s because under that shiny list after list of those fabricated cuddly cover and hidden deep in that little meaning - icons. Platinum adds a couple new fea - less cartridge lay memories, no matter how tures, such as new forms of Pokémon from embarrassing they really are. 10 Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 The Stony Brook Press 11 I-CON Elsewhere An I-CONic Adventure Through the Depths of Geekdom

had branches in a few different areas. By Kenny Mahoney The main building was at Suffolk Com - munity College, with some different panels going on at a nearby Marriott My First I-CON, or, an I-CONic Ad - and some more panels and gaming stuff venture Through the Depths of Geek- at a Holiday Inn off Veteran’s Highway. dom At Suffolk, the gymnasium was taken I know it seems weird that the guy over completely by different booths, that writes about videogames for the each one occupied by a store or dealer newspaper has never been to I-CON, trying to sell their wares. Some really but it’s true, I’ve never been. For those popular items seemed to be various of you who are new to the school, or leather products and medieval outfits, haven’t noticed storm troopers or guys board games and miniatures games, as walking around with gigantic fake well as anime and manga. swords on campus, I-CON is a scifi/fan - Now, when I say board games, I tasy/geek convention that’s usually held don’t mean games like Monopoly or right here at Stony Brook. However, Scrabble or any of that other Milton- this year the convention was held this Bradley bullshit. I’m talking about past weekend at the Brentwood campus board games for geeks. Games for men. of Suffolk Community College, as well Men with beards. Games for people as a few neighboring hotels. with a shit-ton of time and money on Tia Mansouri I attended I-CON as a volunteer, their hands. I’m talking about games T which basically meant that I had to do 8 like Warhammer, in which you have to right!? I’ll give you a minute to let that Mythbusters , as well as the author of the hours of “work”, and in return I was buy (and then hand-paint) a ton of little sink in. As I was saying, these exotic Spiderwick Chronicles , Holly Black. given free admission to the convention solidiers to build an army, and then dice are used with a number of games, Many of the guests were there for Q&A all weekend. I know you’re dying to fight to the death against another dude’s but are most famous for the use with discussions, panels, and autograph sign - hear about all the great stuff that volun - army. Dungeons and Dragons. You’ve got ings. teers get to do, like stand in front of If I had to pick one, my favorite your standard 20 sided die, as well as 12, My girlfriend and I actually waited doors for 4 hours or make sure room dealer at I-CON had to have been Ches - 10, 8, and even 4 sided die. And it’s not in line for 2 fucking hours to get Sean capacities don’t go past the fire-hazard sex Dice Manufacturers. They do ex - just the number of sides that change, Astin’s autograph, only to realize that it limit (the latter of which I had to do ac - actly what the name of their company but the size, color, and opacity as well. was going to cost me $20 to have him companied by a man wearing a dress, says, they make dice. But what’s so in - Chessex had dice that were as small as sign anything other than the program. cat ears, and a leash—I wish I were teresting about dice, you ask? Well, if 5mm and as large as the palm of your Apparently this is how it usually works fucking kidding). I won’t go into it you aren’t a huge geek like yours truly, hand. Not only that, some had differ - with autographs, but I feel bad for any - more, though, as that shit-storm de - you may not realize that there exist dice ent colors swirled together, and some one that paid for a ticket to have to pay serves a whole article unto itself. with more than 6 sides. Amazing, were completely transparent. Even if an additional $20 for some guy to write As I stated before, the convention you didn’t really care about dice, it re - his name on a piece of paper for you. ally was a spectacle just to walk by the Although there were a huge num - booth to see what could be done with a ber of panels given at the convention, tiny piece of plastic. my volunteer work prevented me from What’s really interesting about actually seeing any. But—unless you’re some of these booths is the way that a huge geek or are really into some - they try and get you to shop there. thing—the panels are so niche that if Local videogame retailer Play-N-Trade you’re not a die-hard follower of what - had a booth set up with Guitar Hero and ever they’re talking about, it’s probably an old Super-Nintendo that passer-bys not going to be of that much interest to could pick up and play for free. An - you. I was more than content to just other booth had a dice game that, de - walk the convention floor and play pending on what you rolled, would earn games. you a specific prize. My girlfriend was So that’s pretty much all I saw. The actually able to turn two one-dollar rolls volunteer work kept me from getting to into $150 worth of prizes. Other booths see as much stuff as I would have liked, had special sales and deals that would but I feel that I got my work’s worth. I be otherwise unavailable outside of the don’t think I would have paid $60 for a convention. weekend pass, but the cheaper day tick - Other than just buying and selling, ets should be enough for anyone who’s the convention also played host to a just going for shits and giggles. There’s couple of famous artists, writers and ac - no word on when the next one will be tors. The big-name guest was actor coming around, but it’s something I’d Sean Astin, who you may remember as definitely go to again. Frodo’s BFF Sam from the Lord of the Rings movies. Other guests included Tia Mansouri Tory Belleci from Discovery Channel’s 12 Arts & Entertainment Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 Artsy Metal Heads Finally Embrace Their Prog Rock Fusion sical components of By Nick Statt Crack The Skye . An - other change came in the form of producer It only takes an observation of the album’s glossy Brendan O’Brien. Hav - casing, putting aside for the moment any of its cir - ing worked with the cuitry, to see the smooth, almost graceful, transition likes of Bruce Spring - Mastodon has made over the years. From brutal heavy steen and Pearl Jam, metal to an artistically stunning acceptance of their O’Brien definitely progressive mindsets, Mastodon has made a journey spurred the growth of some bands have found impossible in only six and a Mastodon’s dormant half years. elements to create the The album art exhibits two white-eyed half-man, complexity evident in half-specter beings hanging between a black swirling Crack the Skye . symbol. Beneath the scene lies the album’s name, The album’s Crack the Skye , which is spread out in a sharp Eastern- opener, “Oblivion,” is looking font. Even this album art is a clear signal of nothing short of a per - maturity when compared with Mastodon’s freshman fect collection of release in 2002, which exhibited a purple horse-like Mastodon’s finest de - being soaring through the air in what looks to be a cry liveries. It begins with of pain or terror. The two subsequent albums in the a style true to their four-part series, which have been dedicated to the el - roots and known by ements (this album being air), have featured a simi - many die-hard fans: thick and rumbling, but slow, gui - the sky with the help of spirits on a journey back to larly cryptic beast painted in an array of jarring colors. tars over tom-heavy drum spills. Yet, out of the typi - his original body. Does it seem a little crazy? Yes, cer - However, Crack The Skye has an almost serene image, cal intro and eruption into a fast distortion heavy verse tainly. But that’s where the fun lies. Music that can the only beast is a stringy bear image beneath the two comes the voice of drummer Brann Dailor with a sur - stand alone as one medium of art, but also offer an in - human forms. After soaking up the astral feel of the prisingly clear tone, followed close by the wailing voice teresting path into another, gives listeners the ability to album art, diving into the record is only further proof of bassist Troy Sanders. “Close, low bright eyes fading appreciate an album like Crack The Skye at a much of any wavering suspicions. faster than stars falling”, sings Sanders, before Hinds higher degree. Mastodon, once considered a strictly metal-ori - delivers the much-welcomed growl of his throwback For fans of the band’s instrumental lavishing, entated band and having been named best metal band singing voice in the chorus, the only portion of the “Divinations” delivers ear-splitting solos from both of 2008 by Rolling Stone, has used their fourth release song he sings. guitarists. Also, the two double-digit epics previously to do just as its title suggests – completely charge their About halfway in, Hinds whips into a solo, but it mentioned contain breakdowns that leave those limitations and explore whatever artistic direction feels different. In one sense, it aims to calm you, with yearning for virtuosity with something to soak in a even tempts them. This has resulted in one of the most Hinds bending his notes into smooth howls, before it few times over. The emotional high point of the album amazing and well-balanced progressive-metal per - tears you apart with air-stabbing distortion-heavy is undoubtedly the self-titled track, “Crack the Skye.” formances that have ever graced the hard-knocked licks. The style instantly conjured up David Gilmour’s The title of the song, and the album, is a reference to scene. “Comfortably Numb” solo with its similarly serene, yet both the concept album’s story line and to drummer Some attributions may lie in the dramatic changes disassembling, nature. Painted over the backdrop of Brann Dailor’s sister, Skye Dailor, who committed sui - that the band has undergone in the last year. Brent slow progressing chords, Hinds seems less intent on cide when she and Brann were teenagers. The track is Hinds, the band’s lead guitarist and vocalist, suffered showing off his guitar prowess or speeding up the song five and a half minutes of swelling vocals and quick a brain hemorrhage, among other injuries, in a brutal in true metal fashion, focusing instead on elevating a emotive turns in style that provide for a satisfying altercation with System of a Down bassist Shavo calm chaos. segue into the album’s extensive finale. Odadjian and musician William Hudson. While in re - The rest of the album’s six tracks transgress in a As a band now loafing around the progressive- covery, Hinds found his head trauma to be somewhat staggeringly impressive fashion. The fourth and sev - rock and metal genres, it’s important to note what of a muse that helped him write many of the core mu - enth songs, “Czar” and “The Last Baron,” stretch out components comprise Mastodon. They don’t make into 10 and 13-minute epics respectively you want to destroy everything or fill you with graphic that further exhibit Mastodon’s acceptance images of the unpleasant, like the pro-rocking four- of progressive rock customs. “The Czar” is piece Tool, and nor do they take the fantasy themed easily the second best track behind the concept album idea so far that the song titles and lyri - opener with its highly diverse musical cal references have a whole comic-book series to flesh arrangements and provocative lyrics telling them out, like falsetto-heavy Claudio Sanchez and his the portion of the album’s story when the fellow band mates in Coheed and Cambria. They are, lead character is reborn into the body of however, a perfect blend: a band that has resided on Rasputin, advisor to the Czar of Russia. top of the core of what has garnered metal a fan base That being said, it should be noted that, while wielding the tools of artful expression that make yes, Mastodon donned another of the modern music a multi-faceted and thought provok - prog-rock genre’s trademarks with their re - ing experience. In other words, they are the upper ech - turn to the concept album. elon of modern metal. Like their 2004 release, “Leviathan,” Although it’s sad to see them cast off the four part which was the water-themed portion of the saga that has made them what they are today, it’s im - elemental saga and loosely based around possible to ignore the aura of excitement generated Melville’s “Moby Dick,” Crack the Skye tells around Mastodon. With this path finished, they’re ab - the trip-inducing fantasy story of a boy solutely free to do whatever they like in the future, and who travels through space and time, back it’s quite obvious that they’ll have a dedicated fan base to historical periods like Czarist Russia, waiting to see exactly what that is. and eventually breaks through a crack in The Stony Brook Press Arts & Entertainment 13 As If Connecticut Didn’t Get Enough Tourism

was attacked by the shower curtain for By Liz Kaempf her conservative nature. Although, she won that fight. Before that was the un - intentionally comedic scene where the It’s evident that Hollywood these irrelevant father comes home in a days is running out of ideas. Thus drunken, belligerent rage and smashes movies lately fall into a set of seemingly every light bulb in the house into the only four categories; Hollywood re - kitchen sink. There’s a classy guy for ya. makes, movie parodies, historical con - The saving grace was the ending, tent, and those ‘based on a true story’. and it wasn’t because it was the ending. You could easily argue that The Haunt - Gallner revived his role as Jack Torrance ing in Connecticut could fall under any and broke out a big-ass axe, stormed the one of those subsects of cinema, but for house, barricaded himself inside and time’s sake, we’ll stick to it being a ‘true’ started to hack at the walls of the living story. Just like the director did. room where about one hundred stolen, Devoid of stereotypical characters, embalmed, and séance-experimented raunchy sex scenes, and vulgar, benign bodies poured out all over the floor. It dialogue, this ‘true’ story follows the was by far one of the grossest things I’d Campbell family through their encoun - ever seen. And so, going down with the ters with the paranormal after they ship, he lit a massive fire, trapping him - move into a perfect Connecticut home. TGhosts are so damn messy. self, so he can destroy all the demon The mother, played by the flat and un - cancer treatment until the creepy house and from under the bed. Oh, and there corpses. Death would have been immi - emotional Virginia Madsen (Seriously, ghosts became a little more persistent in was the secret dumbwaiter that any nent had his heroic mother not rushed her facial expressions did not change their efforts to drag him off to their own other average and sane person would in to save him … with a prayer?! once! Not even when she was crying. Or personal Hell. Thus causing the movie’s have boarded up—so as to never see it Yep, God saved the day in the at least, trying to cry.), soon discovers emulation of The Shining when Gallner again—instead of using it as a hide-and- movie, and Matt’s cancer miraculously that their new house used to be a fu - portrayed Jack Nicholson by going all seek spot. Stupid unintuitive clichés. vanished, as did any chances of Con - neral home and a mortuary. So like any bat-shit crazy on everyone , with a mas - (See also; venturing into the eerie base - necticut getting any tourist money out good mother would have done, she terful wild and possessed look in his ment that’s making absurd noises even of this one. Supposedly all supernatural threw all the evidence into the trash eyes. though the lights don’t work.) activity disappeared from the house with the rest of the spring cleaning. All’s There was nothing particularly My particular movie-audience after that night, and all was right in the well until her oldest son, Matt, played frightening about The Haunting in Con - crowd thought we were all in luck when world. There’s no Amityville Horror by the only decent actor in this film, necticut . It had the usual amount of the hot chick jumped into the shower. ending for this town. Sorry CT, better Kyle Gallner, starts having nightmares marginally spooky happenings popping But no, we didn’t see anything, much to luck next time, kid. and seeing ghosts. We chalked it up to out from behind corners, in mirrors their disappointment. Thankfully she hallucinations due to his experimental Counting Dreams in Centimeters...

me. Grow up and Blow Away was origi - and “Sick Muse.” These two songs are By Andrew Fraley Fantasies comes two years after nally recorded at the band’s formation the catchiest songs on the album, a great their last release, 2007’s Grow up and and finished in the early ‘00’s. The lead into the rest of the album. The Blow Away , although that was actually album was more musically diverse, album on a whole, however, falls a little The highly anticipated new album a re-release of their first album. Techni - ranging from slow and jazzy songs, to short of their previous work, but still re - from indie dance-rock supergroup Met - cally, this comes four years after their hip-hop-esque vocals from Haines. mains pretty strong. It also takes on a ric is coming out a week ahead of sched - Guitarist James Shaw’s vocals are also sadder note than their more poppy ule. Fantasies , the Canadian band’s prominently featured on the album, predecessors. “Gold Huns Girls” sounds fourth studio album, dropped on April providing a nice contrast to Haine’s sen - similar to “Live It Out,” but not as up - 7, instead of its original April 14 date. suous, sweet singing. The album had a beat, “Twilight Galaxy” and “Gimme The album had been leaked a month very limited release after its recording, Sympathy” also have a more melan - earlier on the Internet. Official release and the band refined their sound to a cholic air, like Haines’ solo work. Fan - dates have become fairly irrelevant now style more suitable to their fans. tasies also lacks an edgy anti-war song, that listeners can pirate albums months Old World Underground, Where Are like Live it Out ‘s “Monster Hospital” and before they actual hit stores. Regardless, You Now? was their second album and Old World Underground ‘s “Succexy.” it’s always exciting to anticipate a band’s their initial progression to their current Not that that’s a bad thing; maybe proper release, even when you have an synth-pop style. The addition of drum - they’re just cautiously optimistic about illegal copy sitting on your hard drive. mer Joules Scott-Key also gave the band the new Obama administration. Metric formed in New York in their driving beats and sound. This style Nevertheless, Fantasies is a great 1998, although many of the members would later be further refined with Live album, one of the best of the year so far. are from sunny Toronto. Emily Haines, it Out . I would strongly recommend either indie rock goddess extraordinaire, has But as the band has evolved, they buying the album from a non-corporate also been involved with the other Cana - most recently recorded album, 2005’s have created a mix of both worlds; the music store, or just pirating it from the dian supergroup, Broken Social Scene. critically acclaimed Live it Out . Fan - frenetic energy of their established style internet. Make sure to support the band She’s also recorded a couple solo al - tasies represents a return to their ori - with the more musically mature sound by seeing them in concert though. bums, although they are a little mel - gins, while keeping the energetic sound of their formation. This is evident with Haines shakes her head (because it’s lower than her Metric work. If you’re from their more recent albums. their first two songs, “Help, I’m Alive” empty) more sexily than anyone alive. reading this now, Emily, please marry 14 Comics Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 The Stony Brook Press Comics 15

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Statesman editors have watched Nicholas 3 Cage’s The Knowing far too many times

2 Helen Keller’s MySpace page

The funniest thing in their 1 April Fool’s Issue 16 Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 The 2009 Kenny Awards: And the Winners Are...

who finally snaps and is ordered to par - Mediocrity is not subjective to just hu - ema. Then, when the fourth install - By Doug Cion & ticipate in a Big Brother-like organiza - mans. After almost two hours of wit - ment of the franchise was released in Najib Aminy tion, is brought to life by the dry nessing how bad a pet can actually 2008 culminating the series, audiences comedic stylings of Paul Rudd, which behave, it is no wonder why having it across the United States all felt a piece Presenting the first inaugural Shirley he has brought to the table on many oc - euthanized at the end would be the best of themselves die with the character on Strum Kenny Awards, honoring the best- casions. In his first leading role, Rudd answer and this is why Marley’s (played screen. Swinging monkeys, aliens, fight mediocre feature films of 2008, The Press teams up with fellow funnyman Sean by Clyde the dog) Exeunt truly defines scenes defying the laws of physics, fire would like to congratulate all the nomi - Williams Scott that gorges the audience the term mediocre. Nothing extensive ants, nuclear bombs and lead refrigera - nees, the Academy, and Hollywood for a with enough awkward facial expres - or melodramatic; just a vet, a needle and tors and countless attempts to try to be successful year in producing top-notch sions, F bombs and the irony of every - the performance of two Hollywood funny, the best moment of 2008 in films forgettable mediocre feature films. As our day life to truly be labeled as your classic stars and the audience is left in tears. is when Indian Jones and the Legend of dear President Kenny departs into the Judd Apatow film. Being that this is not the Crystal Skull finally ended. setting sun, an award meant to honor her a Judd Apatow film, Paul Rudd’s per - Best Mediocre Romantic Comedy: time and service at Stony Brook is to ride formance proves that he does not need Vicky Cristina Barcelona Best Mediocre Animated Film: along with the preceding sunrise. Thanks a specific author to make a character his Madagascar: Escape to Africa for the memories Shirlz. We wish you the own…and the same. best!

Nominees and awards were chosen in a Mediocre Actress: Anna Faris ( The meticulous screening process that took House Bunny ) months and a few weeks to determine the winners. Emails disagreeing with a selec tion can be sent to [email protected], however, they will not be read.

And now, announcing the winners of the 2009 Shirley Strum Kenny Awards:

Best Mediocre Feature Film: Vantage Friends go to Europe to advance their Point studies; one is a whore for love and be - Filling its role as a sequel to a pretty comes attracted to a Spanish artist, the awesome movie, Madagascar: Escape to other resents him. Both, in one way or Africa made money delivering an OK another, fall in love with him. Turns out piece of work. The storyline—a dancing The role of the ditzy blond has been im - the Spanish lover has an ex-wife and lion who is trying to earn respect from mortalized by the works of this spectac - they get back together… You see where his alpha-male lion father—was drawn ular character actress. With years of this is going? out but kept alive with entertaining experience in this role ( Scary Movie I- characters and a jovial soundtrack. It IV ), when Faris was called upon to play Sacre Bleu Moment: The Ending ( In - was no where near as good as the first the former playmate turned sorority diana Jones and the Legend of the Crys - Madagascar but because the first one house mother, it was her chance to daz - tal Skull ) was so great this movie came in with zle the audience with her talent and skill few expectations, leaving audience to play this one character. This time members pleased that there was an - however, she finally had the opportu - other movie about talking animals. nity to exploit how incredibly attractive What made this movie so mediocre was she is which was able to distract all the the fact that its plot revolved around men who were dragged to see this one event and added sequences of time chick-flick. Her role in The House to produce a feature film. From its ok Bunny appealed to everyone and her cinematography to quite predictable car acting was alright too. chases, it is hard to be enthralled or dis - appointed with the film’s overall pres - entation. This movie is not likely to be Best Exeunt: Marley ( Marley and Me ) watched more than once, strengthening its bid and leading up to its win in this award category. Sorry Slum Dog , you Beginning in 1981 with Raiders of the can’t win everything. Lost Ark , the character Indiana Jones has become an icon for the American action hero. Followed by two more Mediocre Actor: Paul Rudd ( Role Mod - classic films over the course of eight els ) years, the Indiana Jones franchise had The role of a depressed spokesman, cemented itself in classic American cin - The Stony Brook Press Opinion 17 opinion Avante Garde Tickle Zebra take 1

2. The economy. shopping mall. There’s something Shelley loved each other like grape jelly POP QUIZ-ANSWER QUIETLY: They tell me it’s wrong, like a screwdriver spinning and phosphorous. One was a cougar. bad. You know through the stars. I don’t care about The other a red school bus. They drove WHO FORMED THE TRIPLE EN - what? I don’t care. your bands, girlie. I only care about the until time told them to stop. They drove TENTE IN WORLD WAR ONE? Let me tell you a wind. I’m a logger. until their hearts—beet red like the A) France, France, France story about a boy menstrual sun—could give no more. B) Fuck you, Mike the Bro named Richie. In 17 (c). Here’s a sample from the best Jim Rice should not be in the hall of C) Russia, Japan, Josh stop By Ross 7th grade, he stole a novel you’ll ever read: It’s a razzle-daz - fame. But William Howard Taft should. leaving the popcorn bag on my Barkan car and drove on zle sort of world, bright lights, bright He saved America. You only made her desk I need room to grow the freeway. An people, a red foil galaxy fanning out mad. D) Do you know where the nail obese teacher had to fuck the car to stop over the dreams people cling to. People clippers at? it. Fuck the car. Not even T.S. Eliot need a buzz. The RealMachine—that F. Television show titles I do not sup - E). William S. Burroughs, Mark could do that. The point? Stop worry - thing Cecilia so unpatriotically ig - port: Brain Lobster, NubbinsFuck, Let’s McGwire, Tony Gwynn’s ing, the economy will be fine. Richie is nores —is guaranteed to buzz those ca - Make Rape, The Fuzz n’ Me, William colonoscopy bag alive. T.S. Eliot isn’t. Go read a book, jones and clits. If Cecilia were to enter Blake: Actually Naked?, Friends, Me why don’t you. Go buy me a cookie. the Paradise Du Jour , she would initially and Julio Taste Freedom, Me and Julio FROM WHAT TOWN DOES HENRY find dents everywhere. Dented furni - Taste Titty Pastry, Where Are You Tony DAVID THOREAU HAIL FROM? 7. I got a melodramatic friend. Let’s call ture, dented countertops and dented Danza?, and Noodle Tits—say maybe. him Posh Frinsberger. He has a girl he people. The front room is an antique A) New Yawk likes. Let’s call her Articuno. He’s barroom complete with movie stools, 23. Michael Jordan showed the players B) Munich, Italy hooked up with Articuno like three cigarette fog and sallow mitts rubbing how it was done. Back in ’96, he scored C) The Compromise of 1850 times, yet he stresses that things aren’t the decayed wood for secrets. Cecilia like 20 points in that one game and had ensured that lesbians, forever going well and the girl doesn’t like him. would have seen five people, four of like 400 rebounds. They called him the plaguing the northwest, would He throws like a girl. You should know whom are men, at the bar. Rather than “Sultan of the Midnight Slam” because not bother me anymore this. In 1994, F. Scott Fitzgerald pub - be served by a veteran of love, war, and rumor had it every midnight he went D) FACETIME lished his last novel Tabletop Pregnancy gin rummy, they are served by a child. out into the dripping moonbeams and E) Who’s the Audiomaster? about a boy and his dad starting a base - We said this was unauthorized, right? made love to as many young sheep as he Only Jesus knows, and he’s not ball league on the moon. You should could. As many sheep, I repeat , as he a track star understand that this ended tragically 2,232,443.9: History lessons should be could. because the moon can’t support life. quick. William Wordsworth and Mary ANSWERS: 2, q, Galloping Neither can Articuno’s vagina. Cheer up Horse, Charles DickENS Posh, we’re all cheerin’ for ya, ya fuckin harhar bastard! 57. As I type this, our stowaway says he XVI. Popes aren’t real. I don’t see them wants a Dirt Devil to clean his shit. Isn’t in the stars like I used to - and I’m a de - life nothing but cleaning? Shuttling vout Christian, so I should know. I from rat farm to rat zoo, shuffling our heard Richard Nixon outlawed them. If feet like mice on the ice of time praying there’s a mist and you’re alone, the dew we don’t melt, asking God for the an - drops are trickling down your knee gen - swer, realizing spaghetti cooks slowly, tly like the calm of the sea and your why did you leave me, the arc is filling, lashes lick the darkness while the grizzly if there were two animals and we saved bear that you raised from birth to be the all the animals where are the bra - successor to the kingdom tries to fon - chiosaurs for Wayne Knight to love and dle your peach sack, don’t fear. The raise as his own since everyone knows economy WILL come around. She’s a Wayne Knight cannot reproduce be - good girl. Take it from James Taylor, I’m cause his bladder, now the size of a Chi - driving on the freeway we call the nese steam engine, cannot purr, cannot woods/I’ll be silent in my sleep/when you sleep, cheese doodles have too much rape me/rape me/like a dove in the bath - crunch, Quaker Oats fiber bars too little tub/fly away… sting, and the cobras were flying away. Make love to me, Jungle Queen. The 4. Let me tell you about my ex. She’s in vines won’t tear. a band now that I don’t care about. There were a few problems in our rela - 1,008. Exactly ten years from now, I tionship because, you must see, the cos - promise you reverends will fly. Every mos did not play their lyres for us. last one. Genetic engineering, a thing of Milky Ways colliding about and here we the future, will prevent the apocalypse. were, two chocolate drops, fucking on This is because I know a rapper star the sofa. Earth Day: it did happen. My named Lil’ Nastyfuck MC who can pal Craiggala tells me there’s only two prophesize, like Cassandra, the bad things you have to fear. One is cough things that will happen. Buckle your medicine. Two, two, well I’ll inform you seatbelts, kids. You’re gonna be screw - of two, you impudent, concupiscent ing for a long time. communist. Two is society. No one let’s you ride a horse bareback through the 18 Vol. XXX, Issue 12 | Tuesday, April 14, 2009 Sports “The First Rule of Boxing Club is....”

minutes, but after that, we got to the By Eric DiGiovanni punchin’. Normally, the first ques - tion I ask when doing these articles is along the lines of “When did this FIGHT CLUB(S)- Boxing start?” or “Why should I take this Style: Boxing. As if you couldn’t up?” But for the boxing club, my read the head line. Seriously, why do first question was “How can I write I do this part? with boxing gloves on?” Compound When It Meets: Monday and that with the fact that I didn’t have Wednesday, 8:00-9:30 PM my own photographer, and the diffi - Where It Meets: Mat Room at culty of getting down notes and tak - Pritchard Gym ing pictures. So basically, every time Who’s Known For It: Mike Tyson, I had to make a note or take a photo, Muhammad Ali, and Little Mac I had to undo the Velcro on the box - from the Punch-Out!!! Series ing gloves, shake them off, undo the Boxing. There’s really nothing I hand wraps so that I had enough can tell you that you don’t already wiggle room to write or use the know. Fist-fighting, pugilism, what - camera, do whatever I needed to do, ever you call it, there’s already an wrap up my hands again, and then other guy’s going to be working on get a good hook right in my stom - image in your head. Whether it’s of get back. Everything here is pretty a different rhythm. So either adapt ach. The punch didn’t hurt that the glitzy pay-per-view fights on straightforward, meaning there’s no to his rhythm, or force him to go by much physically, but mentally, it HBO, or maybe two gentlemen with nuances or language I have to trans - your own. Timing is everything in taught me a hard lesson: don’t leave handlebar mustaches, fists at waist late (See the Capoeira article from this sport, and one punch at the yourself open. height to engage in a fisticuffs duel the April 1 Issue of The Stony Brook wrong time can leave you open for a If you go to the Boxing Club to protect ye olde honour, you can’t Press ! Excelsior!, but it can be an nasty blow. looking for a fight, you’re going to deny the popularity of the sweet sci - inconvenience. Speaking of nasty blows, yes, be disappointed. During a quick ence. Also of note, the boxing gloves we got to spar. This wasn’t the kind peek in the racquetball courts that Which is why I was concerned are surprisingly heavy, and this of sparring I was expecting – nay – led me to find the boxing club that only four people (including my - coming from a regular gym rat. looking forward to, where we put on (Again, the efficiency at which this self) showed up to Monday’s meet - Keeping them up all the time is a headgear and start rumbling. It’s im - school operates astounds me), I saw ing of the Boxing Club, which good workout for the shoulders. In possible to go all-out or even do some people having actual bouts at a started last Spring. Sure, there were fact, one of the selling points is that light-contact sparring in the context court down the hall from the mat people already down in the mat it’s great for getting in shape. Patrick of the club because of all these room. Whether they split off from room with us with boxing gloves al - Rooney, who’s been in charge of the things called “insurance” and “law - the boxing club to do their own ready on, but apparently it’s just club this past semester, says “It’s suits” and “liability issues”. The ex - thing, or I accidentally stumbled some random people. It might have good for all levels, it’s great cardio, ercise in its place, however, was upon some secret underground fight been the fabled Mixed Martial Arts and we’re always changing things actually interesting. Basically, one club, they seemed to be the excep - Club, but that’s for another time. up here.” Vladmir, a student who’s person can only fight offensively, tion, not the rule. Still, if you’re Whoever did show up to that meet - been coming for the past two se - throwing punches and hooks, and looking for a good workout, the ing, however, seemed to like it a lot. mesters says “This is like, the best the other can only block or dodge boxing club will do. Fortunately, hand wraps and overall workout you can get without the punches. It’s great for working Now if you’ll excuse me, a man boxing gloves are provided for those weights.” on technique and strategy, and helps just stole my bike, and I now I have who don’t have their own (for a lim - We were working on punch more aggressive fighters slow down to chase after him along the New ited number of people), so the club combos, and the mystery group had to look for weak points, while help - York skyline in the pink jumpsuit I is accommodating. What’s great is their music setup playing in the ing more defense-minded boxers to am somehow wearing. that we pretty much got right into background. So naturally, I started break the “Now I Gotta Hit This the action. OK, first I had to go working in that rhythm. It makes it Guy” barrier, and work on feinting, through a very specific process to really fun, but at the same time, it or faking out. It was tame, but the wrap my hands, which took several seems futile. In an actual bout, the guy I was working with managed to The Stony Brook Press 19 Sports New York State of Mindlessness

Is this what the team wants? In a By Jason Wirchin brand-spanking new, overly-marketed baseball palace, do the Wilpons want a great view of empty stands? Of course For the recently laid-off Long Island not! But that’s what they’ll get if ticket dad hoping to take his son or daughter costs continue to soar before the econ - to a Mets game this summer, seeing omy picks up. those ubiquitous Citi logos all over the Here’s a look at prices for select team’s new ballpark is a serious punch games this season, courtesy of in the gut – especially if CitiGroup gave mets.com. him a pink slip! For a game against the lowly With Citi Field’s exorbitant ticket Cincinnati Reds, a single seat in the prices, growing numbers of jobless New Delta Club Silver section behind home Yorkers will need to cut their 2009 base - plate costs $270. A spot in the Metro - ball budgets and attend fewer games politan Box Gold section along the than usual. third base line against the Washington It’s a demoralizing reality, but the Nationals costs $225. Don’t forget that ironies hurt more than anything else. cheap seat in the Caesars Club Silver Citi, which fired over 53,000 em - section in right field against the dinky ployees last November in the second- San Francisco Giants worth $150. largest job cut in financial history, will There are reasonably-priced places have its presence felt from ticket stubs to watch a game, though. For several to outfield walls, and everywhere in be - games against the Nationals and Florida tween. Marlins, the least expensive seats cost What’s an unemployed father of The Daily News reponded that Howard was likely referring to less $11 and $15 in the Promenade Re - three to think of this corporate mess? Howard said the top ticket price at the prominent games labeled “Silver” in the served section. But don’t be fooled. After Citi takes away his livelihood, they Mets’ new digs is $495 for 76 front-row Mets’ pricing system. From there, tickets rise to $20 and then still have the cajones to spend $400 mil - seats between the dugouts, and that six gradually to $98 until they jump into lion on stadium naming rights? These sky-high prices may sound percent of seats are priced at more than hunky-dory to the fools who got us into the hundreds. Apparently so, at least according to $200, the Daily News reported. Gone are the days when modest Mets chief operating officer Jeff Wilpon. these economic troubles, but what of “We’ve tried to do the best we could the man who can barely pay his bills, let Long Islanders could spend a day at the “Citi is fully committed to their con - yard without going bankrupt. They are tract. We’re fully committed to them. to keep this balanced,” Howard said. alone spend his leftover savings on a gold-plated hot dog? but figments of our collective imagina - There’s no change in status whatsoever,” Bullshit. tion, memories long departed in a Wilpon told WCBS TV. In dire times, the Mets should take dire measures. As a financial swoon en - world of greedy baseball ownership. But back to ticket prices. If I may modify Mr. Howard’s state - velops the nation, ticket prices need not Citi Field will be marvelous. It’ll According to The New York Daily ment, the highest price for four games be stratospheric – only fair. The more outdo Shea in every respect. But one News , last summer, Dave Howard, the this season – opening Night against the cash the average fan has to grab from thing remains certain. The new system’s Mets’ executive vice president of busi - San Diego Padres and three games his wallet, the less often fans will come a shame – an Amazin’ shame. ness operations, disclosed details on against the New York Yankees in June – to the ballpark. Citi Field’s ticket-pricing structure. is not $495, but a walloping $695! SBU Seawolves Stumble

one of the league’s most By the end of the game, Stony By Ian Thomas dynamic offenses. They Brook had turned the ball over 22 times, didn’t disappoint. and allowed a dangerous extra man unit The Retrievers never to go three for three. After winning four straight games trailed in the game. Jun - Adams led the team with three earlier in the season, the men’s lacrosse ior attacker Chris Jones goals on the afternoon. Sophomore team was hoping to get back on the scored a minute and 40 midfielder Kevin Crowley had four as - right track as they opened their Amer - seconds in for UMBC. sists, and sophomore attacker Jordan ica East campaign Saturday at LaValle The team recorded 40 McBride, who led the America East Stadium. shots in the game, with 27 points going into the game, The game boasted the largest crowd Stony Brook scored twice. Junior goaltender Charlie of the season for the Seawolves, draw - battled all afternoon, Parr added five saves. ing more than 4,000 fans, according to but missed opportuni - The loss leaves Stony Brook at 4-4 team officials. This was the second ties and turnovers did on the season, dropping them to fourth game in a back-to-back showcase for the team in. in the division. sloppy play doomed them. Lacrosse for Autism event. In the first Freshman attacker Graham Adams’ Stony Brook hopes to rebound in The Seawolves fell to the University game Duke, ranked tenth in the nation, third goal brought the Seawolves within their next game, when they travel to of Maryland Baltimore County Retriev - downed Dartmouth 12 - 6. one with just under a minute to play in Burlington to take on the University of ers by a score of 14 - 8. The Seawolves fared no better; they the first half, but the Retrievers an - Vermont on April 4. UMBC, currently ranked 8th in the dropped their second straight game, an - swered with four straight goals and nation and last year’s America East other frustrating loss where errors and never looked back. champions, came into the game toting Death Egg Zone