Got ? Music in a Bottle

I was sitting in Boneheads, a very cool rock ‘n’ roll themed wing bar in downtown West Warwick, when I spied an interesting bottle with a familiar image from an Iron Maiden album on the label. Naturally I had to give it a try.

Music-themed beer is an interesting phenomenon. Many breweries honor the music they love, like with Abita’s Purple Haze or DFH’s Miles Davis Bitches Brew. I haven’t seen the Mmmhops American made by Hanson, though I hear it’s an okay enough beer. Lagunitas released a number of Frank Zappa- inspired brews a few years ago, which were actually quite good. Music and beer complement each other nicely, and with the right pairing of themes, the two can play well together.

Several years ago, a collaboration of music and beer yielded The Trooper by Robinsons Brewery in the UK. Supposedly developed by vocalist Bruce Dickinson and based on the song of the same name, which is, in turn, based on The Charge of the Light Brigade, this brew has a lot of inspiration behind it.

The Trooper is a pale ale, a nice English , that falls on the lighter side with bittersweet malts, crisp hops and a rich copper color. To be honest, it’s about what I expected from the bottle. Maybe it’s me, but I would expect a beer named after a metal band to have a little more kick to it. It’s only 4.7%, so it’s very sessionable, but I expected something a little more hardcore.

That being said, it’s not a bad beer. It’s a decent English pale ale with good body and hops. Maybe I’m just too used to the extreme American we have here. I don’t go into every beer expecting an explosion of crispness and sweet malts that dance along the palate and end with a nice clean tingle on the tongue, but when those are the kinds of beers you get used to, it’s hard to be impressed by a humble English pale ale. Perhaps that’s why most beer snobs shy away from novelty beers, and I certainly understand, but I’ve never been one to turn away a decent brew. Perhaps our standards are too high. Maybe they’ll release an IPA called Aces High made with Sorachi Ace hops, or a called 2 Minutes to Midnight that’s as thick and black as motor oil.

Of course, there’s a difference between a big name musician releasing a beer and a brewer making a beer in their honor. We’ll not get into the Jimmy Buffet beer in this article, not without a lot of shame, but that’s a perfect example. On the other end of the spectrum, North Coast releases Brother Thelonious, a Belgian Abbey ale, 21st Amendment has a beer called Back in Black and Heavy Seas has a called Smoke on the Water, but the difference here is that these are brewers honoring musicians, not musicians honoring themselves with beer. I think that’s the key difference between an homage beer and what is basically a gimmick. It’s about the art, style and love that a brewer puts into his or her craft when honoring the source of their inspiration as opposed to slapping a label on a beer and hoping the name recognition will sell it. There’s nothing wrong with a little commercialism, but I really doubt Jimmy Buffet knows very much about craft beer.

As a quick aside, I personally call dibs on a series of Alice in Chains inspired beers. Sorry, guys, but it’s sort of a life-goal of mine.

GIBF

The Great International Spring Beer Festival is once again upon us, taking over the Rhode Island Convention Center on April 25. This is one of the biggest festivals in New England and a great showcase for craft beer, perfect for those who want to try craft beer without committing to an expensive six-pack. Over 60 breweries will be represented (with 250+ brews), showcasing their finest fare.

They also pair music with beer (not to mention pizza). This year there will be live performances by The Network and The Rock (the local band, not Dwayne Johnson).

This venerable fest helped start the beer fest craze, and this year it celebrates its 21st birthday – so you’ll also get to see what happens when a beer fest reaches legal drinking age. (Note, the spring fest is only 9 – it’s partner in October is now 21)

Get your tickets in advance, because they sometimes sell out at the door. This is your chance to expand your palate and find out what craft beer is all about.

Got Beer? Got All the Beer?

Beer hoarding sounds like a term for a severe alcoholic, but in reality, it refers to people who scramble madly to every liquor store they can find to buy them out of whatever trendy beer has come along.

In some cases, it’s understandable. For instance the Heady Topper produced by the Alchemist in Vermont is a much beloved and coveted brew that is ranked among the top IPAs in the country. Some people wait in line to buy entire cases at a time and run them back to RI. These long-distance beer runs are actually fairly common. In some places where the beer is much loved, but unavailable, people have been known to go to great lengths to get it. Before Yeungling was available in RI, some people would go on long road trips to pick up cases and friends of theirs would chip in for a share of the score.

But there’s an ugly side to beer hoarding. When a new brew appears in the world, especially if it’s a limited release, the beer hoarders can ruin the party for everyone else.

When Narragansett’s Autocrat Coffee Stout came out, it was only a limited release, and the entire state ran out of supply in less than a week. Beer hoarders contributed to this problem by taking entire cases. It strikes me as a bit selfish, personally, though I do understand the desire to grab what you can while you can.

Grey Sail’s Captain’s Daughter recently experienced a similar phenomenon. While not a “limited” release in that they won’t ever make any more, the fact that it’s a double IPA and only available for a limited time caused beer hoarders to go wild. Stores were selling out so fast that people were going to social media to search for a store that might have some.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s an excellent double IPA, but I find the fervor over this brew is a bit excessive. I mean, it’s great that Grey Sail is enjoying the runaway success, but one should never have to hunt for a good beer because some people have this bizarre need to fill their fridge with the rarest of the rare in order to impress their friends. And yes, of course I’d love to have a fridge stocked with Captain’s Daughter or Heady Topper, but I’m not so maniacal as to deprive dozens of people their chance to taste these great brews just so I can look like a big man. Yes I have a runaway ego, but I’m not a bastard. I’d rather just take my humble four- pack, enjoy it, and let others try and enjoy these amazing beers.

Being a collector of fine, rare beers is perfectly fine. I own several special limited bottles that I’ll crack open in celebration of good times or to commemorate special days. But I own, perhaps, a single bottle, not entire cases that I keep tucked away in a basement somewhere.

I guess what I’m saying is that some people really need to learn to share. I’m not bitter or anything; I usually get a taste of all the latest and the greatest in one way or another. I’ve just seen people absolutely crushed that they missed out on something special while, 30 feet away, someone is trying to shove four cases of a rare beer into the back of their Range Rover.

So remember: Share the wealth. We would all like a taste of the good stuff.

Got Beer? The Bizarre Facts of Beer

The craft beer scene is an interesting one, as I discover more every day. After years of blundering through beer festivals and embarrassing myself at beer dinners, I’ve learned a lot of strange things. These interesting tidbits I’ve accumulated over the years will probably blow your mind, so cover your furniture with plastic and strap your helmets on. Here are the top five most bizarre things about beer.

5. Yeast, that microorganism that makes the alchemical wonder known as beer, is a fungus. We all know this beautiful little single-celled organism creates alcohol and CO2, but yeast also is chock full of B vitamins and supposedly is good for digestion. All that from a tiny germ that is distant cousin to the mushroom, or whatever ungodly thing is growing on your bath mat. Seriously, you should wash that thing.

4. Craft beer brewers don’t fight one another. No matter how hilariously fun it would be for Foolproof and Crooked Current to lob insults and projectiles at each other from their respective breweries in Pawtucket, the truth is that craft brewers are more comrades than competitors. Rather than trying to drive each other out of business, most microbreweries help each other. Newport Storm might have been the first RI brewery, but they’ve helped all the little startups that pepper the Ocean State get on their feet. Some competing brewers are friends who spend time together socially. I think it has to do with respecting the craft, and with recognizing in each other a wild, independent spirit and true dedication.

3. Bottles spontaneously explode. Some people don’t even wait an hour before cracking open their bubbly, let alone a year or more. But there are some brews that not only can, but do, sit around for years at a time. Many Belgian ales and high-alcohol beers can sit in their bottles for many years with no ill effects. Of course, many of those are bottle-conditioned, so there’s still live yeast in those bottles eating sugar and producing CO2. So every once in a while, if you have a large collection of rare, vintage beers, you might be minding your own business when suddenly — BANG! The CO2 buildup makes the bottle explode. While this isn’t something that happens regularly, some bottles do crack open at the bottom and become brown, fizzy rockets that crash violently into the first thing in their path, leaving behind a vapor trail of sticky beer.

2. Until the 1600s, nobody knew how beer happened. Yeast is a microscopic organism and we didn’t have microscopes for most of human history, so beer fermentation was considered an accident of nature or a blessing of the gods. People knew something was happening and that old beer could jump start the batch of new beer, but nobody really understood it. Enter the microscope, which led to our understanding of microorganisms and cast light on the mysterious process of fermentation. But don’t actually shine light on anything fermenting. Yeast works better in the dark.

1. Beer used to be the drink, and domain, of women. That’s right, the man’s manly drink is actually very much NOT. Originally, beer making was considered the work of women, and the mysterious nature of its creation might have led to the image of witches huddled around a bubbling cauldron. That cauldron was probably filled with beer ingredients. Beer was also considered a woman’s drink; men would lean toward mead or wine, since it had a higher alcohol content. It used to be common practice for pregnant women and nursing mothers to consume beer, largely because it was cleaner than water, having been boiled and kept bacteria-free by its light alcohol content. It was also given to children under the age of 3 for the same reasons, which made their precarious balance and coordination more so. Now before anyone starts feeding beer to young mothers or children, please understand that we now have pasteurization and water filtration systems, eliminating the need for getting your 2-year-old drunk, no matter how hilarious the mental image. Got Beer? Creating a Fuss

In the late ’90s, the MP3 file format was born. This new digital compression technology allowed audio files to be much smaller, easier to transfer, easier to store and easier to share, even on old-school dialup computers.

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) had a choice to make. Either they could purchase this technology and develop a way to monetize it, creating the iTunes store about 10 years early, or they could hit the panic button, call an army of lawyers and begin a battle against a movement that has cost them more money than they could have foreseen 15 years ago.

The problem is, the RIAA had total dominance of the market for years. People could copy cassette tapes, but never to the degree we can today. Instead of embracing and monetizing the new technology, the RIAA wasted millions fighting forces it did not understand. This only emboldened the enemy, which had a superior understanding of technology and the art behind it.

During the Superbowl, I saw Budweiser make the same mistake by throwing down the gauntlet with craft beer. Maybe you saw the ad? You can find it on YouTube. Look for “Brewed the Hard Way.” I’ll wait.

I was tempted to do what others have done and address each laughable statement in turn, but then I stepped away from the laptop, opened a nice Scottish Ale, poured it into a glass, and sat down to think.

Ultimately, Budweiser came off like a jilted prom date who’s hit the spiked punch, screaming, “I don’t need you! You with your chiseled good looks, class, sophistication and gifted anatomy! I’ve got Tom, who is … a really big fan of pro-wrestling and stock cars! He’s just as much man as you are! In fact, he’s more man than you are because he’s just better … for reasons! And I think his uncle has a dealership, so there!”

There are craft beer fans and brewers out there who are offended by this ad, but in reality, it comes off as hilariously sad. Budweiser spent millions to tell craft beer off in the middle of the Superbowl, in which the New England Patriots were playing. New England is home to Massachusetts, which is home to the Boston Beer Company, which makes Samuel Adams, which is the biggest craft brewery that could threaten Budweiser. The founder, Jim Koch, must have seen this ad. So did every microbrewer in New England.

So Budweiser just fired the opening shots in a war it never needed to fight, against an enemy that has been rallying together for decades. Nothing unites people like a common enemy. The only way Budweiser could have backfired harder is if it had a sad man reading the ingredients of Bud Platinum and screaming when he got to the word “rice.”

I bear Budweiser no ill will. To be honest, I’m torn between feeling sorry for whoever approved that tremendous waste of advertising money and feeling amused at what has to be the most pathetic attempt to sound overconfident I’ve ever heard. It would have been fine if Budweiser just said, “No fruit in our beer,” or “Beer that’s not too bitter.” We’d understand that. But to actively call out craft beer in such a desperate manner, one that has brewers laughing and big-name microbreweries researching beechwood aging just for giggles? Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if homebrewers everywhere started making pumpkin-peach beers and shipping them to the Anheuser-Busch head office just to troll them.

And all Budweiser had to do to avoid this fate was hire a talented brewer to make a few decent beers and get in on the movement. They might not be in the driver’s seat, but at least they’d be on the bus instead of trying to figure out where to land their Learjet in the middle of a small town brew fest, overshooting it and landing in the ocean.

Beer Reviews

I’ve seen two beers absolutely worshipped on the inter-webs lately, so I searched high and low to find them and render my own unbiased opinion. I say unbiased because by the time I was done, I could barely remember my own name.

Grey Sail Captain’s Daughter

This sweet little IPA has a very floral nose and reminds me of the Lagunitas Sucks. It’s very fruity, but inviting. The hops dominate the flavor, but it’s more reminiscent of Flower Power than a potent, harsh IPA like most West Coast IPAs. The malt blends in nicely; rather than providing a counter-balance, the fruity-floral hops and lit malts dance upon the tongue, changing tempo with each sip. The hop flavors take the lead, but in a good way. This brew is unbalanced in the best possible way, mingling hints of malt in with a very pleasing hop body. All IPAs are different, but this is one of those rare brews that truly elevates above the conventions of the style.

Revival’s Cthulhu Stout

This cosmic brew boasts three kinds of chocolate malts: marshmallow, star anise and mint. Well, if that isn’t a bizarre amalgamation of madness, I don’t know what is. The brew itself is a deep, dark, chocolate brown with a thick, creamy, mocha-colored head. There’s a weird mix of anise and mint on the nose. The marshmallow gives this brew some weight, and the natural flavor of the chocolate malts blend with the bitter anise to create a sickly-sweet brew that leaves a strange tingle on the tongue, probably from the mint. The anise lends a bite that prevents the brew from being too sweet. True to form, it’s a beer that defies description, a maddening mix of flavors. It’s not for everyone, but if you’re looking for a sweet brew for dessert, the stars are right for conjuring this mysterious elixir.

Got Beer? A Beer Impossible to Live Without

If you don’t know who H.P. Lovecraft was, you’re probably not a fan of either science fiction or horror. In the 1920s and ’30s, Howard Philips Lovecraft was a Providence writer who specialized in what was, at the time, known as weird fiction. He wrote for several pulp magazines, publishing stories with a bizarre, alien twist on the traditionally macabre tales told in such magazines. For most of the 20th century, Lovecraft was a literary novelty, garnering (appropriately enough) a strong cult following, especially around his Cthulhu mythos, a series of stories outlining a strange panetheon of beings that are both beyond our comprehension as mere mortals, and mind-bendingly malevolent. These days, Lovecraft has garnered a significant amount of respect from both the literary community and the public at large. The internet is full of Cthulhu-related humor and imagery, including plush dolls of that titanic horror of an Elder God. While his prose can be very dense and difficult to plod through, his iconic monsters and themes of nameless horror have influenced writers to this very day – including most of the great horror writers of our time, such as Steven King, Clive Barker and directors like John Carpenter and Robert Rodriguez.

Now the revered H.P. Lovecraft has his own beer.

Revival’s head brewmaster and local beer icon Sean Larkin has once again teamed up with Narragansett Brewery to bring us the Lovecraft Honey Ale, thus making this beer about as obscurely Rhode Island as you can get. As a beer writer with a sense of humor, it’s extremely tempting to say things like ‘this brew is indescribably horrible,’ but I just couldn’t live with myself if I so blatantly lied to justify a painfully obvious a joke. I could say it’s so good it will drive you to madness, or that it transcends the outer spheres, but even I can only stretch a humorous metaphor so far, gifted though I may be.

In truth, this beer is, like Lovecraft’s writing, more than a little out of the ordinary. The bittersweet malt notes deliver a very complex flavor that carries hints of roasted malts, a honey-like dryness, but a crisp hint of citrus and floral hops as well. It’s surprisingly light for so complex a brew. The weird flavor of this red-amber brew is matched only by its madness-inducing strength. While it drinks like a session beer, this brew creeps up on you with a 7% ABV, and considering it comes in 16 oz. cans, just a few of these could leave you gibbering incoherently into the night.

The lurking terror here, though, isn’t the strength of the beer, or the indefinite array of flavors. What makes this brew scary is the bizarre, almost addictive nature of the brew. One feels almost as if it’s impossible to live without. It almost changes you, imperceptibly, altering your perceptions but making it feel perfectly normal. After the first two, you’re feeling the potent alcohol bite. After a few more, the wooziness sets in.

Only on the final sip does one fully understand the perfection of the bubbling, baffling brew.

Hang on … why is everyone in the bar chanting ‘Cthulhu F’taghn?’ And why is there a sudden fishy smell?

More investigation is required on this odd topic. I may need to look into this Cthulhu Stout that Revival has made.

Got Beer? Return to Your Roots, Jim!

Recently I read an article where Boston Beer Company founder Jim Koch received rather a nasty shock when out at a beer bar. Apparently, while the establishment carried a vast array of craft beer that would send a beer nerd like myself into fanboy palpitations, none of the Boston Beers made their exclusive list. He reacted badly.

Far be it from me to hold that against the man, though. One of the problems with the craft beer industry is that it’s a demanding mistress. Tastes change, trends come and go, and sometimes you can be so busy plugging along in one direction that you completely miss when the rest of the herd turns off.

It’s not unexpected. One of the problems with beer snobs is, well, we’re a little snobby. It’s hard not to be. We want a little more from our bubbly beverage than sweetness and alcohol. We want tangy hops, complex malt backgrounds, exotic ingredients, things that tickle our brains as well as our palates.

Many of the craft beer aficionados in the world give due respect to Jim Koch for leading the revolution, however they rarely have much praise for his brews.

I’m not too snobby to say that I enjoy Samuel Adams. The variety of flavors is always a welcome sight, and the fact that they keep experimenting and releasing new beers is a good sign. However, since most of the last half-dozen or so new beers they released were variations on white ales, possibly to lure in the Blue Moon drinking demographic, it feels like the creativity of the big company has been stunted. There’s a feeling that a marketing executive is giving orders to brewers, an equation that has rarely resulted in flavorful beer.

To hear Jim Koch talk about the Rebel IPA, you’d think he’d lost something by releasing it. Jim doesn’t like IPAs, and doesn’t want to make them. I can respect a man so passionate about his craft that he wants that personal taste to come through in the brand, but Boston Beer Co. is a big company now, having fought valiantly against the “Big Three” for decades, paving the way for the rest of us. One wonders if Jim feels that the rest of us are ungrateful.

But, honestly, Samuel Adams isn’t guilty of anything that other microbreweries haven’t done before. They change the recipes of their winning beers every year, but so does Magic Hat. They come out with a series of white ales to compete with Blue Moon, but so does Harpoon. Their flagship is a very basic, non-offensive amber lager, but so is Newport Storm’s.

It wasn’t that long ago that Samuel Adams was still wowing us all with releases like the Brewer Patriot collection. They’re still keeping homebrewers excited with their BJCP-sanctioned contests that sold the winner’s beer in stores. Samuel Adams even uses their money and influence to help smaller startup breweries get going. They’re still champions of craft beer, and worthy of respect. They haven’t totally sold out, man! They’re still cool!

I think the biggest issue is that Jim Koch took his eye off the ball for a minute. When the recipe for the Summer Ale, the Octoberfest, and the Winter Lager changed, despite the resounding success of their sales, I think that’s when he looked away. He let his people take over and start changing things. Maybe he listened to advertisers, or PR people, or God help us, focus groups. I don’t know why it changed, I just know that when it did, a lot of the beers coming out of Jamaica Plain started to feel underwhelming.

I remember the original Irish Red, the original Noble Pils, the original Summer Ale as all beloved beers that warmed my heart as they quenched my thirst. But the recipes keep changing, and it feels like the magic that went into those brews has been lost, watered down, thinned. It’s not that variety isn’t good, but even from a sales point of view, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

I can only hope his experience was a wake-up call, and not a personal insult. It’s easy to get those confused in the heat of the moment. In my opinion, Jim needs to take the reigns back. He needs to kick out the sales people, the consultants, and walk into his brewery at Jamaica Plain, roll up his sleeves, and make beer again. The spirit behind the Honey Porter, the Cream Stout, and the Old Fezziwig is badly missing from these new brews. He needs to do something experimental, even, dare I say, insane! We know Jim Koch can make an excellent beer. He’s done it before, and that beer, appropriate to the name, started a revolution. All he needs to do to put himself back in the race is make one more. Just one.

And if he wants help, I’d be absolutely thrilled to share some of my homebrew recipes. I make a delicious Scottish Ale!

Got Mead? I’d Give an Eye for a Glass!

Mead is sort of the red-headed stepchild of the craft spirits industry. Shunned by the world of wine and not quite strong enough to contend with hard liquor, or even liqueurs (usually), mead has found a home in the welcoming arms of the craft beer industry.

Mead is, simplistically speaking, honey-wine. You may have read about it in famous epic poems, history books, fantasy tomes or Viking lore. Once upon a time, mighty warriors gathered in long halls, warmed by fire, eating great feasts of dead animals from the hunt, and drank mead from the horns of said dead animals while still covered in the blood of their enemies in what must be the single most metal mental picture you’ve had all day.

Now RI has its very own meadery. Greenwich Cove Meadery took me by surprise one day as I was out and about. I noticed a new tenant taking over the old bicycle shop just on the Coventry side of the Coventry/West Warwick border. When I saw the sign for a meadery, I made it a point to alter my plans and enter.

That’s where I met Bob.

Robert Greene might be one of the coolest and weirdest dudes I’ve ever met. The man has a laid-back intensity – excited mead-maker and chill hippie-dude mixed to produce just the right kind of weirdo. I liked him immediately.

Greenwich Cove lives between the red tape of alcohol production. You’ll not find massive tanks attached to intricate plumbing with long, snakelike bottling lines still dripping with sanitizing chemicals. The back room is lined with large glass carboys, each one fermenting a different breed of mead. Some are made with pumpkin, cranberry or even pineapple, which, Bob informed me, is actually the world’s largest berry. You learn something new every day.

Coming from a background of odd jobs, Bob had always been a fan of finely crafted fermented fluids. Since his younger years, his experience with traditional family recipes inspired him to one day seek out a niche of his own in the alcohol-producing world. As an avid fan of, among other things, Viking lore, Bob is prone to wax poetic about the beverage of his passion. “This is what the Vikings would wage war for!” he declared while pumping a fist in the air. “This is what Odin sacrificed an eye for!” he proclaimed, posing mid-gesticulation in the manner of a mighty warrior.

I sampled some of Greenwich Cove’s mighty mead while Frank Zappa drifted through the air behind the tasting area, and Bob poured multiple samples of his fine fare.

I’ve often said that beer’s strength is its versatility. Beer can be made to nearly any taste one can imagine. Mead, as it turns out, is at least as versatile, if not more.

While I can’t claim to be the most cultured when it comes to my palate for mead, I’ve been around the block a few times. I’ve even made a bit of mead on my own now and then. So Bob’s samples really gave my taste buds a run for their money.

Some of his meads had a distinct brandy or whiskey-like flavor, with a definite alcohol bite that would satisfy those who seek a nice warming beverage on a cold winter night. Others were brightly sweet, with fruity notes. Strangely enough, the line he claimed was the “driest” turned out to be one of the more interestingly balanced in the mix. Of course, my favorite by far was the Golden Good Number One. Maybe it’s just because I have a soft spot for whiskey, and whiskey-like flavors, but it struck me as a nice, flavorful, versatile brew.

The Meadery is currently only in “soft open” status, but once they officially open, feel free to stop by and pick up a bottle of any of their amazing creations. Or sample several kinds, and savor the flavor to whatever wonderfully bizarre music is wafting through.

Got Beer? Gifts for Your Craft Beer Nerd

Once again, we find ourselves looking out at the endless red glow of taillights along Route 2 in Warwick as we hand over our hard-earned money for “gifts” for people we hardly ever visit in the first place.

I know, I know, I promised the ghost of Samuel Adams that I’d be more cheerful around the holidays, but I don’t think the founding fathers could ever have conceived of the corporate retail store. I’m not totally without cheer, however, because here I am to make your life significantly easier. Buying gifts for loved ones who are craft beer enthusiasts is not as hard as you might think.

In a perfect world, you could walk into a package store and get a good recommendation from the owner or manager. However, since this isn’t a perfect world, I am here to guide you to the best gifts you could give to a craft beer nerd.

Specialty Beers – You can probably spot these yourself. They’ll usually be on the dusty shelf with dozens of their brothers; many are corked, but some use the more modern bottlecap. They’ll often have German or Belgian-sounding names, like Weihenstephaner, or Duvel. Some don’t, such as the Delirium Tremens, or the Delirium Nocturnum. If you’re really trying to wow someone, start asking around about the Sam Adams Utopias. Yes, they are ridiculously expensive, but they’re also practically collectors items in the craft beer world. Even if you suspect the person you are buying for has already had this brew, worry not. Trust me, beer nerds like me are always interested in a good brew whether it’s familiar or not.

Beer Accessories – This includes everything from glassware to specialty tap handles to individualized pewter mugs. Generally, these are things you’ll need to look for online, but there’s a handful of small shops here and there, often under the umbrella of kitchen and cooking stores, that have handy or fun items for the beer enthusiast on your list. Though, it might be wise to ask if your friend is already good on glassware. Personally, I don’t think I can take in a single new pint glass without my entire domicile collapsing into shards of broken dreams and hours of sweeping. But black and tan pouring turtles are relatively inexpensive and I can say for sure no one’s gotten me one of those yet, bafflingly enough.

Beer Event Tickets – The number of beer events happening throughout New England is, literally, dumbfounding. You can always check out local breweries, brewpubs, and beer bars to see if they’re throwing Beer Dinners or Tap Takeovers. And, of course, beer festivals abound, even in the winter, such as the Rhode Island Brewfest coming up in Pawtucket soon, hint hint. (You can check the Motif alcohol event listings for leads, too – ed, also hinting)

Books About Beer – I know a book sounds like a bit of a cop-out, but if by some miracle your beer- loving friend doesn’t own The Complete Joy of Homebrewing by Charlie Papazian, or Extreme Brewing by Sam Calagione of Dogfish Head, these might be items to consider. They should be available even as eBooks for the more tech savvy crowd.

Homebrewing Equipment – Even if your friend is a homebrewer, there’s a good chance there’s a piece of equipment that they covet endlessly on long dark nights. No, not that! Get your mind out of the gutter! I’m talking about things like immersion wort chillers, or mash tuns for all-grain brewing, or even a turkey fryer, which makes outdoor brewing an amazing experience. (Avoid the ones with timers.) A mind-bogglingly useful item for a homebrewer is a digital thermometer with an alarm and a built-in timer. I cannot describe the importance of a device like this when it comes to temperature control, and you can find them at most conventional retail outlets if you’re already fighting the mobs at the malls. If your friend has been curious about homebrewing but never tried it, there are a number of starter kits available at some surprising retail outlets, and of course, even online. (See some Motif recommendations here.)

Keep your eyes open, but most importantly, think outside the box for those of us whose thoughts go into the bottle.

Got Beer? Knowing When You’ve Found a Gem

Beer bars in Rhode Island are popping up like the unholy love child of Starbucks and rabbits. It seems like everywhere you turn, even gritty little dive bars are dedicating at least one tap to something like Heavy Seas or Sierra Nevada. Of course, there are still a handful of tried-and-true holdouts that staked their claim back when the craftiest a beer found around these parts was Samuel Adams Boston Lager.

So how do you tell a good beer bar from a bad one? In my experience, it’s just about impossible to properly nail down the exact qualities one is looking for. Everyone’s taste is different, so maybe you’re a die-hard Track 84 fan, or you’re one of the trendies who already thinks Brewtopia is passé.

I like to think I walk somewhere between the uber snobs who turn their nose up at anything not produced in a limited one-barrel batch by a single mad monk holed away in a monastery in Bavaria, and the giddy little beer geek who loses his mind whenever they bring out anything in a cask.

Based on my humble experience, here’s what I generally look for in a beer bar, be it a gritty dive, a glamorous hotspot, or a friendly little beer and burger joint.

1. Cleanliness: Well, let’s not waste too much time getting to this point. If you see a dirty floor, dirty glasses and dusty bottles, then they probably don’t clean their tap lines either, which is sacrilegious. The real beer bars might have a gritty floor and dive bar atmosphere, but if they serve you an imperial stout in a perfectly clean goblet glass, you’re in the right place. 2. Selection: Staying on the obvious train, let’s be clear about a few things. The biggest selection is not always the best, nor an indicator of the quality of the brews provided. They can have 30 tap lines, but if the first dozen are taken up by watery domestic pilsners and the many beers that wear masks to pretend they’re not watery domestic pilsners, then that bar is saying they’re afraid to take chances or be interesting for fear of alienating a certain crowd. A beer bar with six taps, each one dedicated to a different nanobrewery from the area is always going to win more respect. 3. Atmosphere: I’m usually not too picky on this. A nice place impresses me, a dingy one doesn’t, but I’m not going to flip out at Track 84 because it has a pool table. However, there have been places I’ve walked into only to find that I didn’t enter a beer bar, or even a regular pub, but something somehow horribly converted into a semi-nightclub by a deranged manager intent on bringing in the wrong crowd. Beware of karaoke machines, dubstep or any place that checks your ID on the way in. 4. Service: I’m a forgiving sort of guy, so I’m not apt to chew out a server who brought my beer out three minutes later than I expected it, but most of the time I find problems with service is indicative of problems in management. Servers who don’t know the beer and don’t know how to pour or serve, or who can’t tell you anything about the brew were probably hired by a manager who knows just as little, and cares less. That being said, everyone has a bad night, and being patient often gets you more than yelling like a Fox News commentator. If you’re patient and understanding, and still can’t get your meal in under 40 minutes on a slow night, it might be a bit of a red flag. 5. Food: I’ve eaten spectacular meals at tiny gritty dive bars, and terrible meals at upscale establishments, so there really is no correlation here that can give us a universal truth. However, a decent place will usually distinguish itself with a certain twist on common fare. One place I know serves their burgers as a series of sliders, while another one dispenses with the pretense of pub food altogether and serves only gourmet pretzels. It’s the creativity that matters here, because even the best chef can have a bad night, and you don’t want that to be the only thing you remember. Even a failure of innovation is a genuine attempt at being unique.

After all of that, the most important thing about a beer bar is that you enjoy it, and can bring in your friends without being colossally embarrassed. And of course, constantly explore more and more of the amazing craft beer dispensaries all over Rhode Island. It’s a community, and we’d love to see you out there.

A Few Reviews!

It’s been a long time since I did any beer reviews. I started this column by tasting and reviewing beers with a mix of humorous metaphors and exceptional similes. Since I haven’t done that in some time, I thought it prudent to share a little of my latest discovery with you all.

Goose Island Rambler IPA – Far be it from me to stick to traditions, but normally the hoppy releases come out in the spring-summer season, and the darker, richer, more savory fare tends to dominate the colder months of winter. Well, Goose Island is bucking that trend! I applaud such bold rebellion.

A seasonal release, this ‘red ale’ IPA comes off as a slightly dark amber, making it seem like a normal IPA, but the flavor is what really distinguishes it. The aroma speaks of crisp citrus, a hint of pine, and a nice caramel maltiness lingering somewhere under all the hops.

The hop profile has me floored! It’s always nice to meet an IPA that isn’t the same Cascade-based bitter bastard. The bouquet hits hard, but with a very interesting mix of flavors. It’s still citrusy, but with a very nice herbal complement that goes beautifully with the malt foundation.

It’s surprisingly light for a September to December release, when most people are pushing their Märzen lagers or pumpkin beers, but I guess Goose Island is above that sort of thing. I salute you, Goose Island!

Got Beer? Autocrat Coffee Milk Stout — So Deliciously Rhode Island

It’s finally returned! Long have we thirsted, and lo, it doth quench! The Narragansett Autocrat Coffee Milk Stout has returned! ‘Gansett is caught in an odd place in the craft beer world, walking that razor’s edge between being a legitimate craft brewery and selling a mass-produced, inexpensive domestic lager. Some beer snobs turn their nose up at them for their lager, and to those doubters I simply say, ‘Try the Autocrat.”

Perhaps I’m a bit biased, though, since coffee and beer are pretty much the two beverages I consume the most. So any coffee beer is, to me, the collision of two perfect worlds which, now that I think of it, is probably why I have to hit the bathroom so often.

Some of my long-time readers will know my ravings on the Berkshire Brewing Co’s Coffeehouse Porter, as well as the equally rich, roasted flavor of the Wolaver’s Alta Gracia Coffee Porter.

The Narragansett Autocrat definitely ranks as an equal in my mind. It’s the subtle differences that make it stand out. Berkshire’s coffee concoction is a delectable, silky-smooth sort of breakfast-blend, Wolaver’s is more of an afternoon cappuccino, and the Autocrat is the creamy after-dinner coffee served with dessert.

If you missed the launch party at Dusk, fear not, for six-packs are already available in select stores and on tap at the finest beer bars near you.

But what is it like, I hear you asking? More importantly, why can I hear your thoughts? (You should be ashamed of yourself, by the way.)

The Autocrat Coffee Milk Stout is a rich, dark, creamy brew that pours a nicely rich dark black with a head of espresso-colored foam. The aroma is like sweet coffee ice cream, and when the smooth, creamy deliciousness hits your tongue it’s like your morning coffee with a little sweetness. The creamy flavor comes from the use of lactose sugar, but fear not — this brew isn’t a heavy one for experienced craft beer aficionados. Though, some liteweights might turn away from so potent a potion, any real Beer Nerds out there like myself will delight in the heady brew.