SEMESTER 2 WEEK 8 15 SEPTEMBER 2010

A Country Practice The rural doctor drought

Interview with Tony Jones Blatantly Disturbing Childhood TV Shows Getting cosy with Little Red CONTENTS 2 This Week's: Best Realisation that Normal Parties Actually Blow: Silent Disco Most Effective Use of Office Time: Glebe Markets HONI SOIT, EDITION 20 where’s Best Swan-In To 90% Finished Edition as EIC: Bridie 15 SEPTEMBER 2010 Best Time Saver: Having an ad on the Contents page my hat? Colour of the Week: Beige/Magenta Fusion Jess Stirling has a big blue with Little Red. oh, there it is. The Post We kid, she just stabbed ‘em a bit. 10 03 Tim Armitige may be a Voodoo Child under a Little The Uni-Cycle Wing, but he sure misses Hendrix. 04 Pristine Ong staked out Buffy creator Joss Whedon. Alex Houseman shares his disillusionment We kid, she just stabbed ‘im a bit. 11 with the current USU Board. Carmen Culina ruffled some skirts with the director David Mack sees this University fall. of the Latin American Film Festival. stews merrily in his new radio studio. Michael Koziol Bridie Connellan trims her cut of the Sydney Joni Sham sees a double rainbow and a new clinic for Fringe Festival. depression in Chinese Australians. 05 David Mack may NOT talk about the SRC Elections. The Mains 12 Naomi Hart and Joe Payten examine The Usual Suspects 06 the serious shortage of doctors in rural Naomi Hart mourns for Millie, Ollie and Syd. Australia and the importance of placing Henry Hawthorne tries really hard to stop you medical practitioners in the outback. embarrassing Yusef. Larissa Rembisz saw a dead White Russian. 07 The Soapbox Lisa Skerrett is scared of children’s television. Callie Henderson handles your Facebook privates. 14 ohmagodohmagodoh Oh so very scared. Bridget Murphy responds to animal whatdoesthismeEan? experimentation accusations on campus. The Profile 08 Carmen Culina knows you’re not really cockney, 15 Daniel Zwi enjoys the grounds of the Fourth Estate so shut yer yap with dynamic journalist and ABC host Tony Jones. Paul Karp was on cue for Maxine. THE HYPOTHETICAL: What a Laborious effort. Georgia Flynn has a weeny crush on (E)U. Would you rather The Arts-Hole 09 Be a centipede ORfused with a gecko Elise Fabris and Monica Connors review the Pete Doherty? Architecture and Education/Social Work Revues. More Usual Suspects Shaz Rutnam gets glam, gorj and totes defs 16 FAQs Bridie Connellan sat in the corner at a wurks dat new celly. Holla gurl. party and she’ll cry if she wants to. As the centigecko, could you be arrested for Lachlan Carey gears up for the NFL season. hustlin’ junk? Ted Talas goes to college Mr. Employer. Oh Only if you didn’t know how to sing the first verse of EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Bridie Connellan ‘Albion’. If not buggy bighouse for you. EDITORS Carmen Culina, Naomi Hart, Henry and he’ll tell you. Has the centigecko dated Kate Moss? Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, David Mack, Joe Payten, Joe Yes. Smith-Davies, Anusha Rutnam, Diana Tjoeng Would the gecko aspect of your physicality also SRC 17 make use of musical prowess? REPORTERS Monica Connors, Georgia Flynn, Callie Yes, your ability to re-grow your tail would make a Henderson, Larissa Rembisz, Lisa Skerrett, Jess Stirling, Bletchley Park 20 saxophonic sound. Ted Talas, Daniel Zwi As PD, would there be a light at the end of your CONTRIBUTORS Tim Armitige, Lachlan Carey, Tom spiralling career tunnel? The Garter 21 - 23 Get out of my office. Clement, Elise Fabris, Alex Houseman, Paul Karp, Michael Koziol, Bridget Murphy, Pristine Ong, Joni Sham PUZZLES Benny Davis and David Mack

Week 6. WHERE THE HELL IS MY MID- SEMESTER BREAK? #week9isnotmidsem 1 hour ago The Post 3 Letter of Oi! the Week! A Question of Faith EDITORIAL Dear Joe Payten, Dear Honi, ‘Get some sleep.’ What a common set and match; you wake yourself to little idiom in the university populace. the doghouse. Shieet. 10 I belive [sic.] you made an omission In four years I haven’t been moved to Snooze deprivation sure is a serious yet from your scintillating Countdown in commonplace condition for students, The morbid and inflammatory point, write a letter to you. But the article by and yet we pay no qualms to weaning friends, is to look after yourselves. I the Week 6 edition of Honi Soit. While Ruby Prosser moved me because of those early AM hours for the sake of a stand hypocritically corrected, but in I agree that partaking of the fruit of its deep, deep misunderstanding of tute paper. The hours between 4 and these weeks of increasing tension and the Tree of Knowledge is a reasonably 5am seem shamelessly valuable. impending deadlines, the beauty of significant – how did you so eloquently the Christian faith. Christians are not hitting the pillow brings the freshly According to the US National Sleep baked rise to your day. put it? –“fuck up,” I believe you’ll mindless followers, nor are they hateful discriminators, as the article contends. Foundation, university-aged students find that Adam committed a similar manage an average of 6.8 hours of Now, now, restless ones, we’re hardly transgression (=”fuck up”). Christians are constantly challenged on sleep each night, although many night planning on inducing slumber in print. their views and have usually thought owls find themselves counting less and With an exclusive feature on the lack 12 Although there are those who interpret about them deeply to be able to justify less sheep with an increased workload. of doctors in rural Australian areas (p. Holy smokes, the George Institute for 12-13), a roaring opinion against the the Bible as condemning Eve as the them on both Biblical and Worldly levels. Global Health surveyed almost 20,000 current USU Board (p.4), a be-bop one primarily responsible for original Australians aged between 17 and 24 with Melbourne five-piece Little Red sin, I feel that you should have included In my church, we’re all sinners and, if and found those sleeping fewer than (p.10) and a response to the animal other viewpoints in order to create a five hours a night are three times more testing debate (p.15), the 20th birthday I might quote Barack Obama talking likely to become mentally ill than of Honi 2010 is hardly a sleepy bash. more balanced article. And does not about his church, I think he expresses those sleeping for eight or nine hours. But in the meantime buds, napping is 14 the Qur’an hold Adam and Eve equally the atmosphere better than I could: “the This is dire, man. With any luck, those as crucial as that coffee injected with responsible for eating the fruit? towering readings will never cause fatal jellysnakes, so at least try and origami lines between sinner and saved were familial insomnia (FFI), an exceedingly this paper into some form of swag 15 Cheers, more fluid; the sins of those who came rare and critical condition discovered by between PHIL1029 and PHIL1030. to church were not so different from the Honi and Wikipedia this week, in which Zzzzzzing. April Sprague the human being never sleeps. Game, Bridie Connellan Arts V sins of those who didn’t. You needed to come to church precisely because you through a critical public examination. the packaging, not knowing what Fate Cull Dem Colleges were of this world, not apart from it; The morality of the Church is entitled to has in store for me, whether or not I’m rich, poor, sinner, saved, you needed to be left alone so long as it does not affect going to be judged for my decision by Dear Honi, 16 embrace Christ precisely because you those outside the Church. But on issues some fictional sky god or the readers of had sins to wash away.” Homosexuals You are a fine publication of which the of homosexuality, the Church actively Honi Soit. The pressure is just too much are in no different a position from Law and Media faculties should be proud. attempts to impose its morality on ‘non- and so I must retract my original thank others in the church. The church club’ members. you. May something unpleasant happen However, a small grievance vexes me, an designates homosexuality a sin, but so to you in the space of the next week. enthusiastic Honi reader since the dawn also drunkenness and fornication. “All If liberal views on homosexuality, which of my undergraduate degree, which was have sinned and fall short of the Glory are undeniably humane, are advocated Not Sincerely Yours, 17 one crisp dawn, in the morning, about of God.” by the author of the article, then why Elliot Nolan four years ago. Today, in contrast, I am do they not advocate them within the Arts I pissed off. 20 Faith does not require you to suspend Church too? Why maintain a suspicious critical thinking nor does faith require double standard simply because Why persist with a weekly collegian you to hate or discriminate. In fact Love mail? Hate mail? Epic Fail? segment concerning a minority group an opinion is issued by a religious Christianity places you under a duty to of students who contribute nothing to community of any kind? If it’s going to justify your beliefs and love everyone SEND IT ALL TO university life beyond their sandstone step into the public and influence non- generously. But love doesn’t mean citadels? Christians, why claim the “club” can’t be [email protected] denying sin, when Jesus saved the held to account for its public voice? Student life benefits little from detailed adultress from stoning he still told her accounts of a bunch of sexist thugs “go away and sin no more.” Yours Sincerely, competing in culturally condoned Jared Ellsmore Honi Soit 2010: displays of aggression and testosterone Mina Nada for something called a Rawson cup. Arts/Law IV The uninitiated such as myself can only You Dirty Dirty A CLASS assume this much-coveted cup matches Same Sex, Same the silver spoons already in the College’s Choc Bandit possession. Equally engaging are the Standards trials of the so-called ‘room draw’, the Dear Anonymous, ABOVE politics of which apparently renders the Dear Honi, corridors of The Women’s College in to I don’t know you and you don’t Honi will be running a special cold, lifeless chasms bereft of smiles or know me, but thank you for leaving feature in Week 12 showcasing the leading USyd students to watch for eye contact between residents. Oh wait.... Upon reading last weeks (splendid) the unopened packet of Nestle Club 2010. The categories for excellence weren’t you a bitch before the room draw? edition I came across a very curious ‘Original’ Chocolate on the Honi Soit tray will span culture, art & design; article on gay marriage and the in the Woolley building this Wednesday I fail to see any evidence of a sense of Christian Churches stance on such an science, medicine and innovation; afternoon. I must admit I approached politics and business; community; humour in the collegiate i mean collegian issue. The article argued essentially for it cautiously, because honestly, who just segment with which one might excuse this and sport. liberal views on gay rights and marriage, leaves a perfectly good (or so it would half page wank fest as a self-deprecating and then rather strangely argued that the appear) packet of chocolate in a public If you or someone you know is poke at life inside ‘Drews’ or ‘Pauls’ or Church’s position on gay marriage, an excelling in any of these fields drop the slutty Catholic one. I propose that space full of university students? As it sits unequivocal ‘no’, ought be exempt from us a line at aclassabove2010@gmail. this vacuum of wit and intelligence be beside me, I’m still a little hesitant about public criticism because, and I quote, com and give us the low-down replaced with 500 words which actually eating it. I don’t like dark chocolate or in 100 words or less. Successful reflect the diversity of USyd student life Christianity is a “club”. even plain chocolate very much, but individuals will be interviewed, rather than the trivialities of a handful it does feel as though Fate has been at photographed and have their profile of future Mac Bank minions and their Like many, I’m sure you too find this work here. Am I supposed to be saving published as part of this end-of- trophy-wives-to-be. Suggestions for more argument for such an exemption hard some fat person from melting it down year feature celebrating student interesting and relevant alternatives: to swallow. The fact of the matter and sipping it like a hot chocolate during leadership and achievement. Madrigal Society’s latest hymn; which is that (for some misguided reason), a dull lecture? I’m a thin person with a Campos barista is hotter. organisations like the Church play a real fantastic metabolism, and so eating it and prominent role in public debate won’t hurt me, but if I knew there was DISCLAIMER Insults and hatred aside, I would like to on issues of gay marriage. Given such Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative extend due respect to the small number some greater purpose then I might treat Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth a role, it is entirely unjust to claim Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. of college kids who are not dicks and who the next fifteen minutes of consuming Churches ought to receive an exemption The SRC’s ion costs, space and administrative support are actually decent citizens engaged in the it with a little more reverence. I’m also are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit’s from serious moral questioning of their, editors and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners wider university community for passions a charitable person, but I fear even the of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi other than the burgeoning hobby known at best, dubious, and at worst, disgraceful postman would be overcome with greed Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal as ‘resume stacking’. I’ll buy you both a moral teachings on homosexuality. If land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the in the event I tried sending it to a poor, SRC’s directors of student publications: Mel Brooks, vodka red bull anytime. the Churches have a good argument for starving African family to serve as dessert Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson , Andy Thomas and their views, for suppressing gays within for a month – the postman has always Cherissa Zhou. All expressions are published on the basis Regards, that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the the Church and lobbying against liberal been known to have a keen sense for the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no Ellie gay movements in the wider community, presence of chocolate, after all. As I type responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or Arts IV information contained within this newspaper, nor does it then they have nothing to be afraid of these words, my left hand creeps toward endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. 4 The Uni-Cycle www.honisoit.com OPINION Sydney Uni falls Something is rotten in the state of the USU in international Former USU Board Director, Alex Houseman, thinks the Board is losing its way. ranking Ladies and Gentlemen, in the name of recent dissolution accountability I want to introduce you of the committee Dave Mack rides the slide. to the fine upstanding individuals who structure is a prime name themselves your student leaders. example. Dissolving And it is in the name of accountability, I the committees is wish to expose the recent Honi interview obviously a step with the USU President [Issue 18, 1 towards isolating the September] for the vacuous tripe that it board further from was. an invaluable source of information, Let’s start simple: the euphemistically opinion and critique. What a piece of crap. ‘messy’ Union election. The returning The University of Sydney has fallen officer made it resoundingly clear in In the same light, Honi Soit’s the thing, wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king. one place in the QS World University his report to Board that one of the the Fair Trade coffee Rankings, coming in at 37h place. elected members* broke the cap by a issue is a fiasco. Why this aspect that will always facilitate the factor of 3 to 4, and recommended are the several thousand people who resolution of other issues. Reflective of In 2009, Sydney Uni was ranked equal that, as he was not legitimately elected, voted in the referendum only being told, the President’s self-serving, CV-obsessed 36th along with the University of he should be knocked off Board. as part of an Honi interview, the official approach, he has, unsurprisingly, put the Melbourne and the École Polytechnique, However, through procedural sagacity outcome and technical issues now? The cart before the horse. ParisTech, but this year fell behind and highly dubious interpretations of President can enlighten us all he likes ParisTech while Melbourne fell back to the electoral regulations the executive with the legal technicalities of Union I initially held back from publicly 38th. chose to dissolve the returning officer’s referendums, but he should at least bombarding this year’s Union executive, powers before he could deliver the face up to how problematic it is that he in the belief that further negative press Cambridge University was ranked recommendation. The ‘Independent is leading the Union in an unpopular would ultimately only hurt the Union the best in the world, taking a place Consultant’ also found this candidate to direction. (which we all love and cherish!). Yet any previously held by Harvard University. have spent over $2000 and to be worthy accountability afforded to ‘the average Other universities in the top five of disqualification, however the power The working ethos of the Union Board punter’ of this group of self-serving included Yale, the University College to make such recommendations still goes is unacceptably lacking – some would mates is fiction. through the Board ... and herein lies the say ‘barren’. Committee chairs have little London and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. problem. guidance, or are not kept in check. Too Union Board elections are increasingly much time is spent mending the broken regressive, the representativeness of the Protecting friends is, of course, far more relationships continuously strummed up Board to its members is tokenistic, and British and American universities important than abiding by any of the through the dominant brand of petty there is an unhealthy culture of self- dominated the list, with the top egalitarian ethos otherwise enshrined personality politics. Policy ideas, like congratulatory inactivity on the Board. Australian university being ANU, which in the Union. Particularly when those dissolving the committees, are thus shot dropped from 17th to 20th. friends are key votes to win the position from the hip to create the façade of The Union elections next May are the the USU President can’t get by fairer otherwise paltry work and progress. opportunity to nip the Union Board’s When assessed on the strength of Arts means. self-regenerating culture of elitism, and Humanities performance, Sydney As the USU President asserts in his Honi centralised power and penchant for Uni maintained its 19th rank, while The weeks it will take for the President interview, the major challenges facing Machiavellian power politics. A handful ANU fell from 12th to 17th. to “release a statement” on this issue is the Union are to secure a stable funding of votes can decide the outcome. testament to his slothful apathy towards agreement with the University and the This article will have done its job if it However, Sydney Uni performed poorly contentious issues surrounding the autonomy of Union buildings. While dissuades just 10 people from voting in the science evaluations, dropping Union: a ‘stakeholder management’ fail. these are indeed important challenges for a candidate affiliated with the from 15th to 19th in Life Sciences and If this year’s executive are succeeding facing the Union, a concern pertaining aforementioned people. This would be a Medicine, from 34th to 36th in Natural at one thing, it is alienating people to ‘member engagement’ – improving fantastic step forward for the USU. Sciences, from 27th to 30th in Social left, right and centre: Union alumni, relevance to a greater diversity of Sciences and from 40th to 44th in members of the current Board and, most student groups – should always be at the * We are unable to publish names at this time due Technology. importantly, the Union’s members! The top of this list. It is the achievement of to SRC Electoral regulations.

wherein the overwhelming majority of students live on SOC IT SYDNEY UNI RADIO GROUP campus, is that it innately creates a campus community. If you leave TO ME: campus and go home every day, the reality is that you will develop Michael Koziol, SURG President and the next Richard Mercer, has a new studio. better relationships with Sydney media than campus media. It does This week the Sydney University Radio The new premises provides SURG not help that SURG FM is only Group completed its Verge Festival FM with a home from which to grow. active for about 6 weeks each year. broadcast, live on 91.5FM and for The studio offers technically advanced the first time out of the new Holme equipment, a working phone line, That will change, and soon. Our Radio Studio. This has been a serious professional software and a production intention is to commence online milestone in the development of student booth. It is the foundation for the streaming as soon as possible. This radio at this university. development of a permanent student The new SURG HQ. will require a degree of cooperation radio station at Sydney University – from university stakeholders which is The Holme Radio Studio was conceived meaning 24/7 broadcasting, as opposed It is also important that, in the process, tricky, but by no means impossible, to as early as 2005 and finally completed to the current pattern of sporadic and SURG FM remains student-run and achieve. In part, it is about convincing in late 2008. It has since remained temporary bursts. student-staffed. It is entirely feasible those responsible for the facility that largely dormant, aside from a few for a campus radio station to be the need for permanent student radio is Media/Communications classes in Despite some outlying examples such professional without the involvement urgent and in great demand. Semester 1 – a $2 million facility in the as 2SER at UTS and the Student Youth of professionals, and without the Holme Building basement, untouched Network at RMIT Melbourne, campus unnecessary interference of the The opening up of the online space and largely unknown to most students. radio does not have a significant university. has allowed a great diversity of tradition in Australia. Elsewhere, it is a programming to flourish; there are Difficulties with access and security mainstay. The US is its symbolic home – We will continue to work hard to make now 24/7 stations targeted solely at the prevented SURG FM from using the indeed it is rare for an American college this dream a reality. It is important that users of specific online video games. facility until now. We had previously to be without student radio. Boston this dynamic segment of campus culture In an age where ‘everyone is doing it’, broadcasted from the Bernard is serviced by five permanent student be permanent and accessible to all. it’s unthinkable that Sydney University Eldershaw room, on the top floor of radio stations. Even Bangladesh now should go without. The beauty of online Manning House, which was twice has campus radio, broadcasting from The SURG FM Industry Night will take platforms is that streaming does not yearly converted in to a makeshift and Sylhet Engineering College. place at Hermann’s Bar on Tuesday 5th require any further infrastructure, is somewhat sub-optimal radio studio. October, from 6pm. inexpensive and can be started almost The clear advantage of the US system, immediately. 5 Virtual depression clinic for THAT'S WHAT Chinese Australians Joni Sham looks at the new online treatment, developed in part by a USyd SHE SAID student, for Chinese Australians seeking mental health help. The best hearsay, gossip and rumours on campus. WE’RE GAGGED A free online depression Anshu Wijeyeratne of ‘taking her program for Chinese We have only a very short column policies’. On her Facebook campaign Australians has been for you this week, but not for want of fan page, Elly wrote “Just would like to launched and is currently content. You see, under section 9(c) of clarify: these policies I have written are seeking applicants. the SRC’s Regulations on elections, actually my own, I have not taken them Honi Soit is forbidden from printing from other candidates (although some Sydney University any “direct comment on candidates or candidates have no problem with taking postgraduate research their policies in any issue ... between my policies and passing them off as student Isabella Choi is the publication of the Special Election their own, even though they were up on developing the program, Issue and the close of polling”. As such, my website and page first...). All of my called ‘Brighten Your we’ve had to withhold countless letters policies have come from my experience and hard work as SRC President.” Mood’, in collaboration The program is also being aimed at visiting International Students. and articles we’ve received until after the with the University of New election. Elly says Anshu has now changed his a book-like format. The idea of the South Wales and St Vincent’s Hospital, Facebook policies twice so the similarities cartoons in this program is to make sponsored by Beyondblue, the national At the September 2nd Council Meeting, are no longer evident. it more interactive and personal for depression initiative. Mel Brooks, who sits on the SRC’s participants,” Choi says. Executive, suggested that this section of Anshu says the claims are “certainly Choi claims the aim of the program is the regulations be debated at the next not true at all” and he didn’t change his There are homework assignments to educate Chinese Australians about council meeting, so perhaps we will all be policies because of anything Elly said. “A spread over the eight-week period of the depression and its treatment. “The reading about SRC election intrigue as it lot of the candidates have similar policies program. actual mental health literacy in Chinese happens next year. on the major issues like the White Paper people is very low,” she says. “So through and are running on similar themes,” “In each lesson, participants can learn SENATE COPYCAT? this program we are hoping to educate.” he said. He also said his policies were about specific CBT techniques to apply Meanwhile, there’s plenty of intrigue in decided upon well before campaigning to everyday life so that they can tackle With many sufferers going undiagnosed, the Senate election with SRC President began. their depression.” Choi says ignorance is a dangerous beast. Elly Howse accusing fellow candidate David Mack “Less than half of Chinese-Australian Choi says there are further resources on people with depression seek treatment, the website about educating Chinese Donate to the Pakistan Flood Appeal and the rest do not actually recognise Australians with basic skills including Last month Pakistan was hit by devastating their symptoms as depression, or they combatting sleep deprivation and floods. As a result, twenty million delay seeking treatment due to barriers Pakistani people have been left displaced. improving interpersonal relations. such as language, cost and stigma.” That’s nearly the whole of the Australian population! Four million of these people Reviews of the program have conjured are children. The program, based on the successful good feedback from a Chinese medical English version for Australian adults, specialist, a Chinese psychologist, and The floods have already taken the lives allows people to log onto a secure of 1,850 people and now many more Beyondblue. website and complete a depression lives are being threatened by disease and program with weekly check-ups by hunger. (in good condition only) and other basic “We started taking applicants in late July Cantonese and Mandarin-speaking essentials. and will open applications until early You can help! The Pakistan Association researchers. Please send goods to: October. At the moment we have 26 of Australia is pleading with Sydney 201 Euston Road University students to help in the applicants, but we are looking for about Alexandria, Sydney “The Chinese adaptation of the English following ways. 70,” says Choi. NSW, 2015. version incorporates unique factors of (Wednesday and Thursday only) Funds are needed urgently. Your money Chinese culture,” she says. “Issues such ‘Brighten Your Mood’ is currently will go towards providing clean drinking as family pressure are very much part of Want to do something more? seeking applicants who are Chinese water and much needed medical supplies. Let your voice be heard. Write a letter Chinese culture.” Australians and can speak Cantonese or to your local council or government and Financial donations can be deposited to Mandarin. Applicants must be 18 years encourage them to support the cause. The program involves six cartoon lessons the following account: or above, living in Australia and have Account Name: which enable participants to read stories Hurry! The people of Pakistan need help symptoms of depression. Consulate General of Pakistan urgently. about characters and their process to Account Title: Pakistan Flood Relief recovery from depression. BSB: 032000 Account No: 606850 For more information, visit Enquires www.virtualclinic.org.au [email protected] “Most of the internet-based Cognitive Can’t afford to donate money? or call Erin Holohan on 0411 215 657 Those left displaced desperately need Behavioural Therapy (CBT) involves donations of food, clothing reading about CBT skills online in

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APPLY NOW FOR 2011 sydney.edu.au/internationalhouse Phone: +61 2 9950 9800 6 The Usual Suspects www.honisoit.com You can get a piece of the action by heading to Sydney Olympic Park. You’ll even see a gaggle of school children performing in the festivities, eliciting memories of the hoards of kids in the Opening Ceremony. Wanderlust There’s no skerrick of a doubt that Larissa Rembisz has come back from Russia with no love for Lenin but everyone’s understanding of the city has with a whole heap of vodka. the Olympics as a staple ingredient. The It was a sweltering 36 degrees as I We walked in silence on a Naomi Hart takes a look at Sydney 10 spirit of sportsmanship, of volunteerism and walked behind my grandmamma raised platform around his years on from the Olympics. of larrikinism that played out in the stadia towards a heavily armed guard. I stood embalmed body, which has and the pools and the Fatso the Fat-Arsed In 2004, when my mother wrenched me out back while she asked him a question in been on display for Wombat meme are part of the city’s identity of childhood by deciding that I should learn her native tongue and he scoffed as he 77 years, and radically pointed – how we see ourselves and want others to to drive, it took her mere tens of seconds to replied. She waddled back and with a out his interesting features to see us. settle on a location for my first bunny-hops. grin told us that it was free to see Lenin. each other as we were ushered Not far from our house is a vast complex of along. But beyond that dream and the memory wide, sparsely vegetated colonnades which Whilst you didn’t have to pay to see – critically for an L-plater – are bereft of of Roy and HG’s The Dream, the Games the crusty old body of Lenin, after you His body looked like a traffic. The deserted streets could be a replica have limited relevance to how this city finally get to the gates, after waiting pancake, his head looked like it was made functions. Other than the Superdome with people we had made friends with we had of the I Am Legend set. In fact, they’re the forever in line, you do have to pay to of wax and he was caked with makeup. As its concerts and the Stadium with its sporting ghost town that is Sydney Olympic Park. we left Lenin in peace I was sceptical that to drink on the steep bank of the Neva blockbusters, when the venues aren’t in use check your bags and cameras in to the it was actually him – for all I knew it could River along with lots of other locals who for wood-chopping and polo at the Easter cloak room. This week 10 years ago, this city was holding have easily been a Madame Tussauds figure. were scared of the police. I felt like I was its breath for the Opening Ceremony Show, Olympic Park is a carcass of a site underage again and kept nervously looking Only in Mother Russia would the guards of what would be crowned the greatest where the historic Abbatoir Precinct and a over my shoulder just in case the police mislead you and then take you for all Upon leaving the tomb my grandmamma Olympics ever. We were yet to witness the MotoX Park are the primary attractions. came. you’re worth once you get to the front sat down on the wall outside for a rest. This first ever East Timorese Olympians enter the was a big mistake because within seconds And sadly, the city hasn’t even capitalised of a long line. As the stingy Australians arena, the cauldron was yet to trigger many she was charged at by a guard furiously Although I was anxious, after a half- on the increased attention and opportunities that we were we squished all of our a heart to stand still as it stalled halfway blowing a whistle. She threw a Russian litre bottle of berry vodka (which was so to promote tourism that ostensibly belongings into one large bag and through its ascent, 46,000 volunteers were swear word at him as she got up and we amazingly tasty that I had to bring four accompany hosting the Games, according reluctantly paid to check in one item yet to bid “G’day” to foreigners, a man were watched like hawks by all the guards bottles back home) I relaxed only to finally to the diagnoses of tourism lobby groups. before proceeding. who had never seen a 50 metre swimming until we left. notice that all the Russians were pool was yet to splash and splutter his way Since 2000, the number of tourists visiting drinking beer. On the long walk beside the Kremlin to to fleeting fame in the Aquatic Centre and Australia has increased by only 16 per cent. Lenin’s tomb there was a guard stationed Now apart from being tight on security, the Nikki Webster was yet to afflict the Australian There has been, at best, a negligible increase I had been sitting there thinking I was every 20 metres so that you couldn’t Russians are also tight on drinking alcohol music industry. Excitement and the added in those visiting the harbour city itself, drinking real Russian vodka with real loiter. Inside Lenin’s tomb there was in public. I couldn’t believe that in Russia pollution wrought by tens of thousands of and the crowds of ordinary tourists might Russians, like it was some type of authentic a guard stationed every five meters to – where 80 proof Vodka was first created – visitors were in the air. have actually shrunk given the increases in experience, only to find out that the international students and their families. The ensure that you couldn’t stop to gawk that it is illegal for people to roam the streets foreigners were the only ones drinking state and federal governments’ promise that at Lenin or disrespect him by talking, with alcohol. On 15 September this year, at the Games’ vodka and that apparently not all Russians their massive investment in the Games would because god forbid he hears you call 10-year anniversary, Cathy Freeman will like vodka. To me that is a riddle wrapped in yield handsome dividends in the ‘long-term’ him ‘evil’. When we went out with a group of Russian both re-light the cauldron – accompanied a mystery inside a Soviet-style enigma. by Louise Sauvage – and have Overflow has transpired to ring a little hollow. Park re-named in her honour. A memorial Juan Antonio wasn’t wrong that the Sydney to Juan Antonio Samaranch will be unveiled. Students’ Representative Council Presents Olympics were A-Grade. But before you get There’ll be commemorative screenings of ‘Honi Soit Opinion Competition 2010’ our favourite moments, interviews with too excited at the prospect of a 2022 Sydney Australian Olympians, and re-enactments FIFA World Cup, consider how easy it is for of some of the Opening Ceremony tunes. first-time drivers to grind through the gears in those forsaken colonnades.

Sure enough, a righteous wave surged STOP SAYING THAT inexplicably from the frothy maelstrom YOU'RE EMBARRASSING and bore Cat back to shore. Upon being YUSUF given a Qur’an by his brother after the event, Cat converted to Islam, and duly changed his name to Yusuf Islam. What you say: Which is why using the name “Cat My good golly gosh, is that Cat Stevens?! Stevens” is embarrassing Yusuf. Why you say it: One further thing you should stop LAST CHANCE to get your entries How woefully unaware you are that the saying to prevent Yusuf from being in! Closes Monday 4th October! artist formerly known as Cat Stevens has embarrassed: in fact travelled by many names. Born “You’re a terrorist!” As if incorrectly and raised as Steven Georgiou, the child THEME being called “Cat” isn’t bad enough, quickly developed a flair for the piano as CENSORSHIP WIN $1000 you should make special note to refrain well as his first stage name, Steve Adams. “How open should society be?" from accusing Yusuf of being a terrorist. Troubled by this generic branding, Never have words been spoken that Honi Soit & Annabel Crabb and sure that “in America they loved so embarrassed Yusuf than in 2004, want to know YOUR opinion animals”, Steve became Cat Stevens and when he was denied entry to the US on Are you a budding writer, pundit, commentator or looking remained so for the period of his musical for a good reason to have a bit of a rant about something? account of “ties he may have to potential career for which he is best known. It is If you are super-passionate and enrolled at Sydney as an terrorist-related activities”. Despite the undergraduate in any discipline, then HONI SOIT wants Political Journalist, Commentator, with this name that you are currently Star of ABC TV baselessness of the allegations and the to hear from you! embarrassing Yusuf. later admittance of Yusuf to the US, he What you need to do All Sydney Uni was further embarrassed that year when Why you are wrong: • Write an opinion piece on the theme of ‘Censorship’ Undergraduates are the British papers The Sun and The Sunday • Make sure it’s 800-1000 words and your own original work eligible to enter! It was 1967, Malibu, California. A • Submit it by 5pm (EST) Monday 4th October 2010 to Times also claimed that the musician year of notorious oceanic swells and [email protected] (Entries open 5pm 6 August 2010) supported terrorism. Perhaps the papers • Include your full name, year, degree, faculty, student ID number, powerful rips had plagued the beaches email and phone contact. should have examined Yusuf’s trophy of America’s West Coast. Our subject, cabinet, which boasts such awards as the …and you’ll be in the running for a , undeterred by the forces of nature, $1000 prize “Mediterranean Peace Prize”, the “Man generously donated by one of the University’s most supportive alumni! plunged into the swirling waters for For Peace” award, and two honorary what was to be his last swim as Cat So what could you write about? doctorates for humanitarian relief work. Stevens. As the swell rose and Cat found The door is open to ideas around the topic of ‘censorship’. Think: Once again, you’re clearly embarrassing Internet censorship…Privacy laws…Confidentiality…Pornography…Film and himself at the mercy of the elements, classification…Google...Wikileaks…Literature… Hip-hop and rap…Media...Medical Yusuf. he exclaimed with his final breath, “Oh records... Bill Henson and art…and there must be many more!

God! If you save me I will work for you!” www•src•usyd•edu•au Henry Hawthorne All entries will be judged on their style, content, substance and writing skills by our fabulous 2010 Honi Soit editors. The final short list of 12 will be read and a final winner (and two runners-up) will be chosen by Australia’s favourite opinionista – Annabel Crabb, political journalist, commentator, star of ABC TV and author of ‘Rise Of The Ruddbot’ (Black Inc. Publishing). Finalists will be featured in Honi Soit or other SRC Publications. 7 Top kids' television shows with perverse undertones. Whathafuh.... COUNTDOWN Lisa Skerrett Sesame Street This All-American, half-human, half-muppet community is a veritable smorgasbord of dysfunction, 4 starting with Count Von Count’s OCD and ending with Cookie Monster’s compulsive overeating disorder. Ernie and Bert found themselves mascots for gay marriage after sharing a flat, and friendship, and a bed – until it was deemed too controversial and they were given singles in the same room. And who could forget Mr Snuffleupagus? Snuffy was originally only visible to Big Bird, but after a string of child sexual assault cases were uncovered in the USA, Snuffy was revealed to the adult characters. The producers didn’t want kids thinking that adults would dismiss abuse claims in the same way they palmed Big Bird off as a hallucinating milksop. “From now on,” the adults told Big Bird, “we’ll believe anything you tell us.”

Puff the Magic Dragon 3 Marijuana. Obviously.

“Must ... crush ... capitalism” people we had made friends with we had to drink on the steep bank of the Neva River along with lots of other locals who were scared of the police. I felt like I was underage again and kept nervously looking The Smurfs 2 over my shoulder just in case the police It’s widely believed the creator of The Smurfs, Peyo, used the show to propagate ideas like came. communism, anti-Semitism and Satanism. It’s hard to believe these little hard-working, same-looking, commune-living blue campers have such questionable agendas. But the evidence is unmistakable. Papa Although I was anxious, after a half- Smurf has red hat, so he’s a communist. Brainy Smurf has glasses, so he is a conduit for Leon Trotsky. litre bottle of berry vodka (which was so Their enemy Gargamel wants to turn the smurfs into gold, so he’s a capitalist. They wear white hats, amazingly tasty that I had to bring four channeling the Klu Klux Klan. Meanwhile Smurfette has long blonde hair, so clearly she’s an Aryan. bottles back home) I relaxed only to finally Then again, the origin of most of these theories can be traced back to a rival company. notice that all the Russians were drinking beer. Teletubbies 1 I had been sitting there thinking I was Probably the creepiest show ever unleashed onto vulnerable eyes and a major target for religious drinking real Russian vodka with real conservatives. Basically, it involves a band of colourful, pot-bellied aliens skipping around a rabbit-studded Russians, like it was some type of authentic hillside watching TV from each other’s stomachs and babbling “eh-oh”. With a baby-faced sun God and experience, only to find out that the psychedelic landscape, the show was accused of promoting dangerous pagan ideals. Meanwhile, American foreigners were the only ones drinking reverend Jerry Falwell famously denounced the show’s “homosexual agenda”, citing Tinky Winky’s feminine handbag, purple costume, and triangle-shaped antenna as evidence of the program’s attempt to make all our vodka and that apparently not all Russians toddlers queer (though the argument was based on the theory that a triangle is a queer shape and not just like vodka. To me that is a riddle wrapped in a geometric coincidence). In an altogether separate but equally damning incident, a rouge Po toy allegedly a mystery inside a Soviet-style enigma. recited “faggot faggot, faggot faggot, faggot faggot, bite my butt!” to its owner, a horrified young girl.

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CRICOS 00026A 8 The Profile www.honisoit.com Hi, I'm Honi Soit, you must be Tony Jones Daniel Zwi spoke with the ABC journalist, host of Q&A and Lateline, and very reluctant sex symbol about his career in journalism and the recent federal election.

It’s three days after the election and Tony ABC’s European correspondent during the Jones’ voice is hurried as he greets me collapse of communism and three years in down the phone line. All in a day’s work, Washington. He’s received four Walkley he’s at the ABC studios preparing for the Awards (think the ARIAs of journalism night’s edition of Lateline, where Australia’s with credibility) and numerous other first Greens MP, Adam Bandt, is to be accolades. interviewed. “He’s very impressive. I saw him speaking at the National Press Club Where could such intellect and ambition today and texted my producer saying, be fostered? Here at Sydney University, of ‘Look out for this guy. Let’s get him on course. Jones was a resident of St Paul’s the show.’” And they did. Apparently you College. don’t turn down an interview request from Tony Jones. “I did an Arts degree, concentrating on English Literature and Politics, I wonder why he didn’t turn down mine. but ended up doing an Honours in The presenter of Lateline and Q&A is social anthropology.” I ask what social one of the most celebrated journalists in anthropology is and I’m told that the country; interviewing him seems like it involves a lot of researching and understanding groups The silver fox himself, on the set of Q&A, the natural habitat of the USyd student. of people in different

“What’s puzzling about commercial places. “It’s very we sat down in his kitchen.” Eight hours He seems fiercely proud of the institution close to journalism, later Jones left with a tower of books and a media companies is that they don’t that has employed him (besides a year’s actually. A social desire to become a foreign correspondent. stint at SBS’ Dateline) for over 25 years. have faith in people being geniunely anthropologist is just But surely it becomes easy for the ABC to a more sophisticated But Jones had to pay his dues. Like many interested in things ... You feed people a ignore trivial issues when the government journalist.” He an aspiring journalist, after graduating, diet of crap and they’ll grow up obese.” funds the corporation. Can we blame chuckles, oblivious to he worked for 18 months as a low paid commercial stations for airing easily the fact that he may C-grade reporter for local Campbelltown digestible news when they rely on the painting a picture in front of Picasso. Who just have caused the extinction of BA newspapers. ‘That hands on experience viewers’ entertainment to survive? Yes, am I to question a man who unflinchingly (Media/Communications). got me an interview for a trainee position according to Jones. “What’s puzzling about probes the most important politicians in in the ABC.’ The rest, they say, is history. commercial media companies is that they the country on a regular basis? Jones hadn’t always wanted to be don’t have faith in people being genuinely journalist. It was an encounter with Francis Snagging the 2005 Crikey gong for interested in things,” he says. “You feed Yet Jones is unassuming. We discuss James, the famed anti-war activist, foreign Outstanding Media Practitioner, the people a diet of crap and they’ll grow up the benefits of a minority government correspondent and – according to China, watchdog of an online news forum obese.” – “there’ll be more influential voices in who imprisoned him – spy, which steered essentially nailed Jones’ ‘kitbag of talents’ parliament; all legislation will be argued him down that path. “Francis gave a talk in listed form: ‘ferocious intelligence, The implication is that if the big networks over” – and I’m flattered by the seriousness at university and I got into an argument polite calmness, dogged interrogator, deep gave the public in-depth political analysis, with which he considers my opinion. with him. He more or less said that I didn’t political instincts, juggling the running viewers would become more politically Perhaps it’s this gift for empathy that has know much about what I was talking agenda, a great sense of context’. receptive. But does Jones share this propelled his professional success. Jones’ about, and he invited me to see him at his optimism when it comes to politicians? career has included three years as the house. I went to visit him one morning and But despite the romance of the profession Is he jaded? I ask about Rob Oakeshott’s and the glory of presiding in that Fourth call for consensus government. After Estate, the Australian press has copped spending so much time talking to political some flak of late. There’s a view that the figures, it would be understandable to tightly scripted and uninspiring 2010 regard parliamentary bipartisanship with Federal Election campaign was validated suspicion or even ridicule. by a media who indulged trivial issues and

failed to put enough pressure on party “It’s very interesting for people to hear an leaders to engage in open debate. On idealistic position. I don’t think you’ll get the ABC discussion programme Q&A the Coalition and Labour governing the after the election weekend in August, country together. That’s not cynical, just Independent MP Tony Windsor said that, realistic.” Of course, Jones was right. Only “this is the worst campaign that I’ve seen Labor will attempt to govern Australia for from the media. I think some of the senior the next three years, not both parties. commentators were actually creating news out of nothing.” I ask Jones about Desperate to ask Tony Jones something the media’s role in this year’s election he doesn’t know the answer to, I blurt out campaign. a question on whether or not he’s aware

that he’s a sex symbol for hoards of ABC- “The media’s a varied animal. The ABC watching students. He laughs, genuinely dealt very seriously with policy issues,” he amused. “Write in your article, ‘He just says. “We were looking closely at individual laughed at that.’” policies and how they were going to be

paid for. There’s another side of the media He just laughed at that. equation though; tabloid newspapers and Jones on the set of Lateline, wearing boardshorts. commercial television news.” The Arts Hole 9

ARCHITECTURE: CECI n'est pas EDUCATION & SOCIAL WORK: une revue d'architecture THE SHAWSHANK DETENTION Tony Jones For all their talk of being the most creative Forget foreplay – this show featured The Shawshank Detention was a first for the faculty, from parent teacher interviews to on campus, the cast of the 2010 Architecture numerous breast grabs, bumpin’ n’ grindin’ Education and Social Work students, playground duty and a ‘Touch the Board, Review was an uninspiring lot. and way too many prostate exams. finally jumping aboard the faculty revue Not the Kids’ seminar. bandwagon, but one could certainly tell With the show’s title Ceci n’est pas une revue Worst of all was an entirely terrible (or as they were new to the scene. The show Parodies of Chicago’s “Cell Block Tango” d’architecture, head writer Mark Szekely they say in French, terrible) scene in which opened with an intimate introduction of sung by frustrated teachers, and a funny- firstly paid reference to a Surrealist artist the cast’s women danced in lingerie to an the cast and production team via video. It because-it’s-true shout out to all uni and secondly verified that the School of instrumental version of “Poker Face”. was sweet, but certainly gave the revue a students in “I Skipped a Tute and I Liked Architecture really is a whole lot of wank. slow start. It”, as well as “So You Think You Can While the ‘Miranda and Chanelle’ and Teach”, all had huge potential for hilarity. A few minutes into Ceci n’est pas une revue spilled Easy-Way sketches were funny and Unfortunately the pace continued in And with some wacky performances d’architecture I quickly realized that despite its the ‘Rabbi Proof Fence’ video skit was clever, the same manner, and their newness to such as Danielle McDonald’s paintbrush- postmodern title, this was not going to be a the show ended as badly as it had begun with sketch comedy left the show lacking any sniffing art teacher to Quang Le’s social high-brow affair. an entirely bizarre “Save the Krill, Save the punch. Many of the sketches played to networking expert spouting his wisdom Plankton” number. If there was a point, I schoolyard stereotypes, and the quality of about ‘MyFace’, the show certainly did It felt more like the Men’s Revue with its didn’t get the memo. content was certainly elementary. stand as a great starting point for a new downright nasty “A Whole New Hole” That being said, for a new revue they member of the revue family. Aladdin cover and a rendition of “Whip Me certainly had some ingenuity. They Baby One More Time” for Britney Spears. Monica Connors were the only revue so far this season Elise Fabris to abide so closely to narratives of their

I’m somewhat glad The Architecture Some of the low points in the revue It’s really refreshing to finally see a revue including: “She had it Coming” parody, Revue, This is Not an Architecture Revue, involved Nazi jokes, Kiddy Fiddling, that doesn’t bother even attempting the Penis Monologues, “It’s Edward”, didn’t quite hit the mark: I’d much rather very similar sketches to other revues, comedy. The most painful thing about “Public shaming does not leave bruises” my architects be creative in design than Superman, a lacking nude sketch, tacit revues is watching horrible sketches and the Glee Finale. on the stage. racism, songs that didn’t quite hit the undergo a slow, agonizing death. The mark and about five too many rectal Education & Social Work Revue, The But the funniest parts of the revue were Opening night was plagued with tech exams. Shawshank Detention, managed to avoid this when the cast broke the fourth wall. I’m issues, poorly done songs and missed cues, with style. still not entirely certain if those parts were but it was definitely entertaining. But for all its bad, there was a lot to write scripted, or making up for a technical home about: random STI screening, I found the biggest irony of the revue glitch, but they made the rest of the scene The show opened with a lot of sketches EasyWay man, Mickey’s self pleasure, was the opening voiceover, which bearable. that died and I was a little worried about Whoopie Goldberg, Lego Doctor, Rabbi defined what a revue was. The education the half time audience attrition rate. But, Proof Fence, all the dance numbers, revue managed to fall well short of the All in all, the first (and last) Education & thankfully, the show picked up before the Virtruvian vs. Modular, train sex benchmark that they so painstakingly Social Work revue was exactly what we’ve end of the first act and I wasn’t left alone comparison and Jerry Springer’s holy set out in the first five minutes: sketches come to expect of inaugural revues: no in an empty theatre. edition were the highlights of the show, were too long and lacked any discernible jokes and a ridiculous amount of kiddy and often had people screaming with punchlines, while the cast lacked stage fiddling. The move for Architecture to the laughter. presence (using mics instead of projecting) downstairs theatre was definitely a good and the overacting bordered on criminal. Tom Clement one, given a small cast and no dedicated And, I can safely say, it was the best revue band. The set design, as usual for the of the week. But, as bad as all the jokes were, it’s hard architecture revue, was awesome being to call it a bad show. both functional and minimal. But all these Tom Clement things can’t make unfunny stuff funny. The show was a monotone bland scattered with moments of funny, TECH TALK ALCATEL's $99 BOOST MOBILE GLAM Anusha Rutnam, our self-appointed technology writer, reviews a g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s phone.

It’s very pink, this phone. This begs the question, is this what kids The phone itself does everything a Overwhelmingly pink, some might say. want? The design says ‘I am tween, hear phone should do, its features include Perhaps all you need to know is how me squeel!’ and no doubt the phone a QWERTY keyboard (which my fat Alcatel, the phone’s maker, chose to would sit comfortably in the bag of a girl fingers/ luddite tendencies had a little promote the gadget: “The Boost Mobile who listens to Katy Perry and shops at difficulty navigating) and a music player, Glam is a chic phone fit for the fashionista Forever New. The sight of a young man making for a gadget which is quite good who wants a cool mix of style and using such a phone would probably raise value for money. This phone is such a Samantha. technology.” a few eyebrows. With my $2 Boost pre-paid sim there The Boost Mobile Glam is one of those It has been scientifically proven that any Apart from the hideous colour, the Boost wasn’t a huge amount of testing I could strange products that appeals to such a product that uses the term ‘fashionista’ in Mobile Glam actually features some nice do but if you do decide to go with this tiny sliver of the market that I can hardly its promotional material, is probably not design elements. This square mobile company it’s worth reading the fine understand it being a worthwhile project very fashionable. That said, as I pulled phone is a refreshing alternative to the print – their website currently features for its makers. the phone from its (very pink) packaging ubiquitous rectangular scraps of nothing a Misleading Advertising Corrective material, I couldn’t help but think which undoubtedly dominate the scene Notice ordered by the Federal Court of It is not the phone for me and it’s that its makers were targeting a rather these days. A substantial block of a Australia, pertaining to some too-good- probably not the phone for you either. younger market than is likely to read this phone, it actually sits quite nicely in the to-be-true call rates the company offered. newspaper. palm of one’s hand. Tacky. ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 10 The Arts Hole www.honisoit.com latin american SCREEN: film festival Carmen Culina chats to Reem Algharabali, one of the organisers behind the festival that is heating up Sydney. The festival is now in its fifth year of people and we start off the process – how did it all get started? around February. Different team members take control of a particular region. It started off with Mark Taylor, who founded the festival five years ago after We put out a call for entries all over Latin returning from a trip to Argentina. He America. And internationally too – there started it up with a group of friends and are many interesting films about Latin it remains a volunteer-run organisation America that are not produced by Latin till this day, but obviously the festival Americans. has grown. It started off as four-day We also do our own research to see what festival, and this year it is three weeks films have been made during the year, long. and we approach some Producers for Mexican Film Flowers in the Desert. permission to screen particular films; it is all the proceeds of the Festival go to heading along? really a two-tier kind of process. See, we The Sydney festival is just one of support Latin American charities also watch a lot of films – a lot of films. many in a larger international through the Community Support Casula Powerhouse is an amazing venue It is quite organic the way festival themes network of festivals celebrating Program Proceeds, which has and it is the second year that we are having develop – they kind of grow out of what Latin film. The New York festival raised a staggering $50,000 since the festival there. The Festival has always we receive. will shortly be celebrating its 2006. How important do you think had a strong presence in Western Sydney

11th year in action, there is one this altruistic side is to the festival? because of the large Latin American Even though the focus of the in London, Los Angeles, Portland community there. It really is well worth festival remains strongly on film, and Utrecht to name a few. What The Community Support Program is a the trip just to see this incredible cultural the festival seems a lot like a three is it that makes Latin American very integral part of this festival. This resource that Western Sydney has, and week long fiesta. There are a lot of Cinema is so popular? year we are supporting four charities, and of course there are some fantastic films fantastic artists involved like Café I really think that is what drives it all and to see as well. One of the ones we are Sur and Patio de Tango – are there I think it is partly because the culture makes people donate hours and hours of particularly excited about is s, which is a any plans to expand the festival into is so infectious, just like the rhythms of their time. We are all basically doing this multi-award winning film, and is actually more of a cultural, interdisciplinary the music. I think that on many levels it out of a passion and commitment for film the first feature length film that has come arts festival? has caught on, because the cultures are and the desire to use film as a vehicle to out of Nicaragua in more than twenty

so vibrant and the stories that come out raise funds. years. We will also have a great Cuban Maybe – from the start, we’ve always been of that are so diverse and exciting. seven piece, Armandito y su Trovaso, passionate about showcasing local Latin You’ve already mentioned that the playing live on Thursday night to get American talent and culture. The Fiesta This year’s Festival is Havana Club Opening Night Fiesta things into swing. showcasing a really diverse and is a new project this year, and we have is something new this year. It is also expanded into food with a Caribbean impressive range of films and being held at the gorgeous Casula The Festival runs from the 1-19 documentaries; how do you select afternoon food session, Cooking Up Powerhouse on this Thursday September. For a full schedule of what is going to be shown? Dreams, which is exciting. night and it looks like it is going events and ticketing details check to be huge – why should people be www.sydneylatinofilmfestival.org We’ve got a curatorial team of a couple A lot of people may not know that catalogue continues to sell over 1.2 HENDRIX-s 'Scuse me while million albums each year, while his most SOUNDS: recent release, Valleys of Neptune, reached we miss this guy number five on the US charts in March. Sound engineer, Eddie Kramer is busy On the 40th anniversary of the great guitarist’s death, Tim Armitage meets the mixing Hendrix’s next album at Electric Australian filmmaker who saw the private side of the public figure. guitar upside down and would flip it back Lady Studios. seamlessly – keeping songs going after his Arriving at Heathrow Airport on 21 the most extraordinary guitar music ever father had left the room. “He was an absolute unique talent that September 1966, one Pan Am passenger made. Dressing outlandishly, he gyrated changed rock forever – a personality was travelling light. His bag contained just in ways that would have made Elvis blush. By ninth grade he’d failed music class. His you would have to call genius. He was a change of clothes, a tub of acne cream, Music-scene luminaries Eric Clapton, gigs weren’t faring any better. On the first different and that’s what we were all some pink plastic hair curlers and a guitar. the Rolling Stones and even the Beatles night of his professional career, he was looking for,” adds Clifton. Only $40 sat in his back pocket. Over the watched on in slack-jawed awe. All this fired mid-performance for his unorthodox following four years, Jimi Hendrix would from a performer who was unable to read playing. A girlfriend suggested that “If he was alive, I think he’d still be have the entire music world in his back music. he should consider playing more making extraordinary music.” pocket. conservatively. “That’s not my style”, he “Jimi hadn’t only heard blues, he’d heard insisted, “I don’t do that”. The ABC’s Dig Music channel will Peter Clifton was a young Australian jazz and soul and other synthesised forms. create ABC Jimi Hendrix, a digital filmmaker shooting a documentary in He was really very musically literate,” says His education would come whilst radio station for the weekend of London for the ABC when he met the rock historian Glenn A. Baker. “What he traversing America, playing dingy juke 18 and 19 September, playing rare flamboyant guitarist whilst making film was delivering onstage was a bit beyond joints and roadhouses along the famed documentaries and music of the clips for music label Track Records. somebody who’d grown up in Surrey, Chitlin Circuit for pocket change. famed guitarist. England.” Here he supported Little Richard “They asked me to come in and film this and Sam Cooke, absorbing the art of new black American musician who’d James Marshall Hendrix grew up on a showmanship. “Man it was all like that. just arrived in England,” he says. “I was working-class housing estate in 1940s Bad pay, lousy living and getting burned,” shooting a couple of takes of “Hey Joe” Seattle. His parents Al and Lucille fought he recalled. GIGITY and he started to play with his teeth and regularly. At 15 his mother passed away get out of the house, we dare you. put the guitar behind his back and that’s suddenly, inspiring the songs “Little A whirlwind four years followed involving when I started to realise, ‘Wow, this guy is Wing” and “Angel”. With brother Leon, three studio albums, unrelenting travel PARK(ING) DAY something special.” he spent time in foster care – often and countless concerts. With bass player, stealing food to survive. On weekends, Noel Redding and drummer, Mitch Parks of the world unite! REBAR is The footage captured was the first Jimi would find solace singing along to Mitchell, the Jimi Hendrix Experience Dean Martin on the radio. an interdisciplinary studio collective glimpse Australian audiences had of the toured England’s pubs, clubs and active in their desire to bring creativity soon-to-be legend. Clifton would film major festivals. They gained fame and wonderment to a green space near Hendrix from 1967-70 including his last Hendrix would begin to experiment with internationally with Hendrix’s innovative, you. Mixing urban experience with a performance in Britain at the Isle of the guitar at 13 when given an old, beat- heavily-distorted guitar style. Hendrix wistful imagination, simply park it up Wight Festival – just 18 days before his up acoustic guitar with a warped neck. even headlined Woodstock. this Friday and enjoy the atmos. death. Hearing records by blues greats Muddy Friday 17 September Waters and Robert Johnson exposed the Four decades since the guitarist’s death, power and possibilities of music. 9am Set against the backdrop of Swinging his popularity doesn’t show signs of Everywhere London, Hendrix conjured a new decline. Last year he was eleventh on Free soundscape that married traditional blues To avoid a beating from his father for Forbes magazine’s annual list of the with jazz and psychedelic rock to create playing left-handed, he learnt to play the world’s top-earning dead celebrities, making over US$8 million. His back ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 11 SOUNDS: LITTLE RED TALK: JosS Jess Stirling drinks a cola or two with the Melburnian be-boppers. whedon I defy anyone to dislike Little Red. It’s such a unique sound, Pristine Ong buffs up for her fan just physically not possible – the catchy I was interested to moment. tunes, the layered harmonies reminiscent know what inspires Joss Whedon enters the stage with a of 1960s barbershop groups, convertible and influences the rock star’s welcome: colourful spotlights, Chevrolets and sunny boardwalks down guys in the band. dramatic silhouette and thundering by the sea, what’s not to love about Was it wanting to tap applause. It’s a warm sunny day outside this Melbourne five piece? Fresh from into a niche musical Sydney Opera House, but inside, it’s a their set at Splendour in the Grass, and genre and score all storm of laughter and cheers from the on the brink of releasing their second the babes in the audience. Welcome to Whedonverse. studio album on September 10, Midnight drive-in? “There was Tonight, we are joined by emcee Wil Remember and kicking off an Australia- kind of no conscious Anderson. “This is the best cult,” wide tour, I chatted to bassist Quang decision of what we Whedon quips. “Other people have good Dinh to find out how much the boys were going for. At Just chillin’. fans, I’m sure, but I just think mine are really like Coca Cola (NB: I didn’t the time, it just happened that we were “On the first record, there wasn’t much better.” actually ask this, but seriously regret that getting into all these 60s bands like The production or time in the studio – we in hindsight). Beach Boys, the Stones, the Beatles, recorded it in three days. For this one The Concert Hall seats up to 2679 the Kinks and Roy Orbison, and that’s we recorded it in three or four weeks people. 2679 fans. The stage is furnished Fans will be interested to learn that the pretty much where the first album and got a lot of time to mix it and get with a couch and coffee table, instead of band actually did not just magically came from.” The boys have combined everything right. When you’ve got that a symphony or orchestra. Whedon stands spring out of a Beach Boys’ film clip, but that musical influence with, as Dinh time, I think we just wanted to make it up and addresses the darkness. It almost are real live 20th century Melburnians, explains, inspiration that comes from sound a little more lush.” feels like you’re in his childhood home who, incongruously enough, originally living out everyday life, from those and he’s giving you a tour of the place. had a penchant for the (forgive me, moments “when you’ve had a big night Tickled pink at the wonderful use of the I imagine walking into the dining room Nirvana fans) woe-is-me sounds of 90s out and you come home a bit drunk adjective ‘lush’, and refreshed by Dinh’s where the Whedon family is sitting— alt-rock. “We’d always had different and you’re feeling a bit lonely, or you’re humble self – deprecation and laid back silently, because his mother forbade bands together – our first band was just feeling good and you just want to Aussie drawl (with quite a robust twang speaking. His father is disapproving and Radiohead influenced, with that kind of write an up-tempo number.” to it), I rounded off our chat with how his brothers pick on him. bland sound, and our second one was a they were feeling about the upcoming colonial rock thing, we were like juvenile This new record definitely reveals a release, considering the success of their Nick Caves, all about the darkness of our new direction for the band’s sound, debut album. Is the pressure on? “Yeah world and everything. Eventually those evident in the laid back rock sound of we’re really excited about getting it out bands disbanded, and we had some time the album’s ridiculously catchy first there. It’s been the culmination of nearly to think about what we really wanted to single “Rock it”. But it is also reflective two years of work, so it’ll be good,” do.” of the impact of the band’s success in he concludes with just the tiniest hint terms of the level of production (the of humour in his voice. “We’re pretty And so, after some ‘downtime’ (official band worked with Scott Horscroft of confident it’ll get to number one and industry lingo), Little Red emerged. With The Presets fame) and studio time. then we’ll see where we go from there.”

STREET:SYDNEY FRINGE FESTIVAL Nerdgasm. “There were two things that I understood Bridie Connellan needs a haircut. Open to recommendations. as a child. That I was scared and I was My Nanna’s greetings were always a little possible manner. alone,” says Whedon. “The idea of skewed in terms of prioritized subject family was a second language for me. I STAGE: A TINY CHORUS matter. Despite the social norm to first spent my time when I was wandering With stripes, bow ties, shiny red helmets hug, then nitpick, Nita Arnott had but one around by myself creating universes and and beanies, life can’t be all that bad can thing to mark my arrival in her presence: thinking up cool science fiction worlds “Have you got eyes under there?” Dear it? With the help of Elbow Room and and narratives – plotting revenge against dear Nanna, I guess we’ll never have the CarriageWorks, a tiny chorus brings a cache my brothers.” same appreciation for the fringe. of facial expressions, joy and life questions in an acclaimed theatrical performance As a project of the Newtown of unlikely heroics. Snagging the People’s From there, he created his avatars – Entertainment Precinct Association Choice Award for best performance at the adolescent female characters with They’re not that tiny. (including the likes of Carriageworks, the 2009 Melbourne Fringe Festival, superpowers. You may recognise her the Red Rattler and Seymour Centre), this special little spot brings that rare enticing web-like installations of woolen from Buffy or Firefly. “These girls are wonderment atop the beams of A Coffee the newly relaunched Sydney Fringe kind of charming optimism cultivated in the people I identify with. They are the and A Yarn. With cocoons and ghostly Festival is back with over 200 events underground theatre and somehow makes person through whom I am speaking,” weirdness that little bit wonderful. splays of thread and knit, Fries’ subtle and wondrous happenings, bringing a Whedon says. “They will save my life, so work is sure to be one of those festival three week programme of underground I will not be helpless anymore.” cabaret, comedy, circus, dance, digital arts, SOUNDS: IDEA IDEA gems appreciated by those who actively literature, music, musical theatre, theatre Now, two artists, shared vision, repeat seek. His characters complete dangerous tasks and visual arts. Branding themselves a the word of the thing we have in mind OM NOM NOM: SILENT DINNER “multidiscipline cultural showcase”, you’re and pow! we’ve got ourselves a helluva and risk their lives. He admits, “It’s a PARTIES going to need an afternoon of planning show. As an innovative collaboration little bit unseemly. I do terrible things to have any success in navigating such between glamourous 50s-esque musician No talking at the dinner table! No seriously. to these girls and yet I love them and a hairstyle. Thus, as the efficient and Lanie Lane, and producer Master of With 3-course feasts organized around the I’m desperate for them to love me too. I banterful barbers we are, Honi brings you a Ribongia, idea idea fuses the unique Inner West, these meals of silentia have want to them to love me so much that I but three rules: lookbook of Fringe picks for 2010. Oh how electronica of European glitch with an become them.” we spoil you with our impeccable style. oldworld feel for storytelling through 1. Please don’t use words or your voice song. With a glockenspiel at their mercy, 2. Please don’t read or write “Stories can be a way to pass the time or LAUGHS: A CZAR IS BORN these two deities of musical prowess bring 3. Try to make as little noise as possible they can get inside you,” he says. “For Fresh from the stages of USyd’s own Cellar a highly visual bubble of wonderment 4. Stay with it for at least 2 hrs. me, they come from darkness and pain. Theatre, the chaotic musical theatre and to Erskineville’s Imperial Hotel, and Honi suggests those with major allergies They go into a funny place, a happy staged turmoil of Czar is nothing short encourage one to think twice about it. should possibly avoid this little baby, lest of outlandishly incomprehensible, as the their silence be replaced by sirens. place, a sexy place – but they always tale of mysteriously successful author CANVAS: KATH FRIES, INCUBATE come from darkness and pain.” Francois Duchamp de Belvoire will amuse, Just putting it out there, how much Sydney Fringe Festival runs from Whedon urges, “Get in with a trowel delight, and enrage. Written and directed more appealing would the arachnid race 10-26 September. For a full schedule and write from that dark place because by SUDS local Laurence Rosier Staines, prove if they were made from cashmere? of events and ticketing details check that’s the only thing worth listening out www.thesydneyfringe.com.au. this tale of literary hoaxes and clandestine Installation artist Kath Fries presents a to. Ultimately, we build around that

identity is just plain grand, in the best rather sweet little set of works for SFF with darkness.” 12 The Mains theRURAL AUSTRALIA doctor NEEDS A LIFELINE drought Naomi Hart and Joe Payten venture beyond the big smoke, looking at the shortage of medical professionals in rural and regional Australia and the day-to-day lives of those already there.

f you live in Scone in the Hunter Two factors (among several others) IValley, you have to wait a week to get contribute to the paucity of personnel. an appointment with one of the town’s First, the last decade has seen a few doctors. If four or five more doctors dramatically increased emphasis on were to set up shop in Scone right specialist rather than general practice: now, they would all instantly have full although the number of specialist doctors workloads. The older doctors in Scone has increased by 47 per cent, the number are approaching retirement, and there is of GPs has remained steady since no one to replace them. 2000. Secondly, medical students and recent graduates are reluctant or unable Sadly, Scone is not exceptional. to work in rural areas. Only 1 in 20 According to one of the town’s GPs, Medicine students from Australia’s major Dr Peter McInerney, this is the case “in universities intends to work in a rural area any country town you’d care to know”. either on placement or after graduation. Meanwhile, orthopedists and plastic surgeons are queuing up for positions Based on the experiences of two at lucrative urban practices. With no Medicine students, two members of Since 1928, the Royal Flying Doctor Service has provided rural Australia with much-needed medical care and transport. discernible reduction in the number the AMA, a ridgy-didge doctor from Whether students’ anxieties about of Medicine graduates, we need to ask Scone and the Dean of Medicine at the in winter. There are only 12 beds in the country life are warranted is questionable. why, in a profession based on altruistic University of Sydney, the reasons for emergency department in Albury. Two Dr Steve Hambleton, the Vice President intention, there is such a drastic shortage which Medicine students have qualms weeks before he spoke to us, 10 patients of the AMA, provides a similar diagnosis. of doctors in rural communities. about working in rural communities were waiting for beds in the department Before going on to work as a GP in appear persistent and intractable. for two days, having already been Brisbane for 22 years, Hambleton Undoubtedly, rural life has changed, with admitted. trained with a GP in Kingaroy, a town jobs drying up as quickly as the rivers hoosing to work in a rural town 200km west of Noosa. He tells us that that supported the once-thriving districts rather than in an urban centre isn’t Moore assures us that the care that C although “a whole bunch of things of the outback. The state of medicine like choosing to work in Chatswood patients receive is “very very good”, make people not want to go rural”, in regional, rural and remote Australia rather than the CBD. Those who tending to be “much more personalised they are often surprised by “what a has been described as one of emergency. venture outside of the big smokes don’t than in the larger city hospitals”. Despite wonderful experience it is” when they Those areas have unique health problems. elect merely a workplace, but an entire the frustrations, the staff “make do with arrive. Accuracy aside, however, these The average life expectancy of people concomitant lifestyle. what we have and things work”. perceptions are enduring and potent and living in rural Australia is two years less discourage many students from seeking a than their urban-dwelling counterparts; Those with whom we spoke identified this The problem of a doctor’s professional tree change. the discrepancy is seven years for lifestyle as one factor that deters students existence, however, extends beyond Australians living in remote communities. from taking up placements and longer- resource strains. Many students see fter up to a decade of rigourous People who live outside of major term employment outside of cities. rural practice as a professional dead-end study and examinations, doctors metropolises are substantially more likely A for the ambitious practitioner. “Rural understandably enter the workforce to suffer from mental health problems, Jess Meagher is a Medicine student generalism isn’t recognised as a vital cog with an ambition to excel professionally. especially depression, and the rural rate currently on one of 100 Rural Bonded in care provision,” says Dr David Rivett, However, the reality of practice as a of suicide is up to 1.8 times higher than Scholarships offered by Australian a spokesperson for the New South Wales rural GP is often not what young doctors branch of the AMA. “It’s not held in imagine. The perceptions of having to high enough esteem, and is often seen as Choosing to work in a rural town ... isn’t like choosing tackle an enormous and monotonous inferior to urban practice by the urban to work in Chatswood rather than the CBD. Those who workload, with half the resources your sub-specialties, an assumption that is venture outside the big smokes don’t merely elect a city counterparts have at their disposal, wrongly made.” workplace, but an entire concomitant lifestyle. are a significant deterrent to professionally ambitious young doctors. Hambleton identifies the inevitable financial issues at play. “People want to Nikk Moore, another Medicine student, the urban rate. Cardiovascular disease, medical schools each year, which is worth specialise away from rural practice in has spent three years at the Albury Base diabetes and alcohol abuse are far more $23,000 for every year of her six-year the belief they can pay off their debts Hospital and Wodonga Regional Hospital prolific, as are deaths from accidents and course. In accepting the scholarship, she quicker,” he says. Concerns about on the Victoria-New South Wales border injuries. committed to working for six years in a financial reward, however, are emblematic working in surgical teams, the intensive rural area after her degree. She says that of broader problems in attitudes towards care unit and the emergency department, These heightened health issues become most students she knows are reluctant to rural practice. as well as stints with GPs in towns in New even more troubling in light of the health move to the country for fear that their South Wales and Victoria. system’s crippling incapacity to deal with partners won’t be able to find work and “One of the biggest problems is a failure them. Residents in rural communities, their children won’t be able to go to the to recognize General Practice as a In all of those locations, Moore says by virtue of their remoteness, inevitably best schools. Meagher grew up in Young, specialty in its own right,” says Meagher. that he has frequently struggled encounter delays in acquiring medical and says she can see herself living and McInerney agrees, stating that “our against shortfalls in basic equipment treatment, especially in emergencies. working in a rural area in the future. But governments don’t value rural practice and personnel which are the result of Many hospitals and clinics lack basic even she acknowledges that “Sydney is enough, and because of that relative the towns’ remoteness. He describes equipment necessary for primary care. attractive to me at the moment”. underfunding of rural medicine, young the difficulties in obtaining locums in But perhaps most critical of all is the doctors don’t regard it as a viable option.” general practice in rural and remote deficit of medical personnel. In some McInerney tells us about a young doctor Perhaps the most concerning issues are areas, explaining that “if someone wants areas of western New South Wales, who currently works in Scone and “really the perceived changes to the nature of to go away for a holiday, the town is there are 1700 residents to every GP. likes it”, but whose wife is a lawyer in medical practice and service, diminishing short [medical staff] by one”. He also The Queensland town of Cunnamulla Sydney. McInerney says, “She’s not very rural practitioners’ opportunities for periodically encounters shortages of had no permanent doctor at all for over easily going to be able to further her professional and intellectual stimulation. equipment because, he says, “there is no two years; residents had to drive at least career in the country, so the likelihood of “Once, there was a great variety of money”. Earlier this year, his hospital ran five hours to the nearest doctor. The that doctor staying here isn’t very high.” practice in the country,” says Professor out of little sticky dots to put on arms of Australian Medical Association (AMA) He recognises the difficulty in convincing Bruce Robinson, the Dean of Medicine at patients after they had had blood drawn, estimates that to relieve the shortfall young doctors “that there’s a future for the University of Sydney. “However that as well as large-sized gloves. Most dire is would require the urgent recruitment of them if they stay”. variation that was once available is no the chronic shortage of beds, especially 900 new doctors. longer there.” 13

“a simple programme to underpin is adamant that “conscription is not retention and recruitment of doctors by the answer.” And although Robinson’s providing fiscal incentives based on both proposal hardly amounts to conscription, the doctor drought remoteness and also one’s preparedness the consequences of a solution that to provide on-call services”. With any focuses on the immediate shortage rather RURAL AUSTRALIA NEEDS A LIFELINE luck, the country Independents who are than the long-term correction of attitude Naomi Hart and Joe Payten venture beyond the big smoke, looking at the shortage of medical professionals in rural and proving to be so visible in the federal merit caution. “We want to encourage regional Australia and the day-to-day lives of those already there. Lower House will get rural medicine on people to go out to the bush because they the agenda. want to be there, not because they have to be there,” says Hambleton. “Forcing But even if they do, what should be their people to go to the bush and disrupting policy approach? their education or their family when they don’t want to just gives a negative Robinson is an active lobbyist, pushing view. You may be turning more people what he believes is the solution to the away then you would using an approach problem of shortages. At its most basic, of attraction.” Meagher agrees, saying, it relies on compulsory terms of practice “The notion of being bound by a in rural areas. When a doctor signs a contract seems to cast a negative light contract with a network of hospitals, on working in rural areas and is not an Robinson’s scheme would require them answer to long-term recruitment of rural But that isn’t the view that the doctors call the ambulance and send them to the to work for a prescribed time in a rural practitioners.” themselves hold, which suggests this hospital, but in a country town you call hospital affiliated with that network. perception needs correcting. McInerney the ambulance and they’re taken to the Robinson recognises the probable need It is unlikely that any advocate of a thrives on what he believes is an local hospital, then you go up there and to offer perks as part of the scheme, but system of compulsion would disagree eminently more varied day in the office. treat them afterwards. You definitely find believes that it is the best possible solution with the arguments made for a solution “On any one day,” he says, “you could get yourself more extended as a doctor in the to the drastic shortages that rural areas that prioritises the long term. Robinson’s someone who’s been kicked by a horse, country.” are experiencing. His plan is supported solution, however, highlights the obvious someone who’s been in an aeroplane by statistics that suggest that a high and justified concerns of many health crash, in a motor vehicle incident, a Meagher realises that “there exists a proportion of medical graduates who professionals about the immediate person with heart failure. You never know higher expectation for a broader set of train in rural areas return to work there in consequences of the current shortages. It from one day to the next what you’re skills” as a rural practitioner, and her the future. is easy for governments to throw money going to be dealing with.” willingness to take up the challenge is at the problem and hope that it will self- due in part to her background. “Having In contrast, Rivett and Hambleton object correct over time. But as long as GPs are he opportunity to provide “cradle to grown up in Young, I love the country to any compulsion-based solution. They constantly on-call, working multiple night Tgrave care” is what Rivett, a GP in life, I can see myself living and working prefer an approach, like the Rural Rescue shifts a week because they’re tackling the Bateman’s Bay for 30 years, loves about in a rural area in the future.” But we Package, that focuses on encouraging, entire obstetrics workload of their town, rural practice. From delivering babies to can’t simply rely on people from the bush rather than forcing, doctors to work in and as long as patients are in week- improving the quality of life of the elderly, returning home to reduce the shortage. rural areas. “Governments can do far long waiting lines, it’s simply not good communities like Bateman’s Bay provide more to attract doctors outside the urban enough to focus on future workplaces of the unique opportunity for doctors to The community has an incredibly enclaves,” says Rivett. “Fiscal drivers excellence while rural communities and give care to an entire, isolated, close-knit important role to play as well. “It is and career drivers such as enhanced their doctors languish now. community. But although the romantic so important the community makes a opportunities to go back to subspecialty ideal of life in a rural community persists, concerted effort to accept doctors,” says training after a period if desired; rural ltimately, it is a problem that the in reality what these communities require Professor Robinson. “Communities really workplaces of excellence affiliated to Uprofession and the government both stretches the men and women need to realise their role in keeping GPs urban centres of excellence; core numbers must tackle together. With rural concerns working there now, and deters those in their area.” In early 2009, Dr Ashraf of doctors to prevent onerous on-call receiving greater attention in this new considering it as their future. “Once in Labib, the local GP in Trangie, a small commitments. Attraction is the answer.” era of democracy for Australia, now is a while you have people that seem to be town in western New South Wales, almost perhaps the time that the government interested,” laments McInerney, “but left town when the council wanted to Before a policy-maker could even will not only give the funding but the then they see how busy we are and that increase his rent. Fortunately, five local consider the merits of each approach, recognition to rural generalism that is so we don’t have a lot of time off and they businessmen, realising their essential role the cold hard reality is that they would evidently lacking. And perhaps Medicine begin to have second thoughts about it.” in embracing their local doctor, stepped in have to assess cost and viability. Meagher students need a little ‘encouragement’, Hambleton says that his early training to stop the council driving Labib away. says that her scholarship has been crucial in the form of compulsory placements with a rural GP was “eye opening”. to her being able to work in a rural area and financial incentives, to help them “Everyone thinks they know what doctors ural communities face an uphill because she hasn’t had to balance study rediscover the altruistic desire that got in rural areas do,” he continues, “but until Rbattle, especially because of the with working, which she recognises is “a them into Medicine in the first place. you get there it’s actually pretty hard to difficulties of getting traction on any luxury not afforded to all uni students” “We have to understand that rural life is imagine what is actually happening in the issues relating to rural medicine. Moore but is important for those in rural areas more difficult, and that rural Australia background in these jobs.” attributes this to the “city focus of where paid casual work is hard to come and rural doctors need more support,” everything”. He says, “People who are by. The problem is that her scholarship says Hambleton. That background is being in charge of high in setting the agendas come from will add up to in excess of $135,000. It is running local hospitals; it is the increasing city areas and forget that 30 per cent of unlikely that medical schools will provide For the rains to finally fall and this prevalence of mental health issues in the the population lives in rural or regional any more than the 100 such scholarships drought to come to an end, somebody is bush; it is the problems we face with an areas.” Universities, he says, “need to which are currently available. Any going to have to throw country Australia a ageing population, which are particularly communicate much much much better proposed solution is going to be expensive lifeline. Stat. acute in these communities; it is GPs [with] the rural campuses and remember – addressing immediate shortages would being constantly on-call. It is the very that they do exist” (Whenever Moore has require enormous incentivisation, while nature of rural communities, combined an IT problem and speaks to his faculty, Rivett’s ‘centres of excellence’ would with drastic shortages, that creates the they tell him to “drop into the IT service need extensive funding before they can additional workload and responsibility. desk”, which is 600km from where he counter the perception of the bush “Rural practice is more taxing than lives and works). The AMA, colleges stifling ambition. urban practice,” says Rivett, and it is little and medical societies need to better wonder why. accommodate students in the country But the cost of when organising information nights and inaction may be “The job itself is so multifaceted,” says conferences, he says. the greatest of McInerney. “The problem is that the role all. The critical of being a doctor in a rural community According to Rivett, governments have issue, then, is extends beyond medical practice.” In a equally narrow vision, and their short- how we balance town that is so under-doctored already, sightedness “exposes just how city-centric and best serve this presents very real problems for they are”. He expresses disbelief that competing the township of Scone. “Let’s just say neither major political party has adopted short- and someone comes into my practice having a the Rural Rescue Package designed by the long-term heart attack. If you’re in the city, you can AMA and the Rural Doctors Association, interests. Rivett 14 The Soapbox www.honisoit.com Justifying Experimentation all up in my grill Bridget Murphy puts the science back into the debate about animal research. Carmen Culina thinks you should speak properly. “You ask about my opinion on vivisection. discoveries made in animal research. part? Would these discoveries have been FAKE ACCENTS Sydney after spending 3 months in the United I quite agree that it is justifiable for real For example, it was animal research that made eventually by other means? The States, with a very strong American accent. investigations on physiology; but not for allowed Louis Pasteur to discover that alternative methods that activists say “Helloooo Caarmen it is soooo goood to see Part of the problem with the brash drawl he mere damnable and detestable curiosity. diseases were not caused by imbalances of could have been used, such as cell culture, yoooo!”. had so eagerly embraced was that it sounded It is a subject which makes me sick with the organs but external micro-organisms. would never have been developed without awkwardly staged – as though his mouth had horror, so I will not say another word Only by isolating and culturing these the basic descriptive knowledge that I swerve emphatically, wondering how many not quite recovered from the absurdity of about it, else I shall not sleep tonight.” – microbes from the gut of chickens with scientists gained from animal studies. people with such a pronounced British accent suddenly having to force a protracted vowel Charles Darwin, 1871. cholera, and then reintroducing these I know of; The Queen mum? That lady from out as evidence of his time offshore. Of microbes back into healthy chickens, It is fantastic that the availability and Ab Fab? Madonna? Or was it a born and course the other part of the problem was that Sobering words from a man, whose did Pasteur prove that the culprits were validity of alternative methods continues bred Australian girl I had known for years three months is hardly long enough to dent intimate knowledge of anatomy from not evil spirits, not the flying spaghetti to improve and that they are increasingly proudly announcing her return from Eur- the delivery of your native tongue in the first animal dissections allowed him to compile monster, but pesky microbes. being substituted for animals. But there ooope? Yes, it was. Now, lets not be too quick place. Three years, maybe. Three months, get enough evidence for his revolutionary are still no viable alternatives to animals to judge, she may well have just spent a year out of my face. theory of evolution. Armed with this new knowledge, British in many avenues of research. For this in the UK since I hadn’t seen her for at least surgeon Joseph Lister began insisting reason, animal research for which there that long (almost long enough to justify a I’ve always found the hullaballoo that In response to “Feathers, fur and that other surgeons wash their hands is sufficient justification but no viable change in her speaking patterns). “6 weeks!” surrounds accents frustrating. Even from faculties” in the Week 6 edition of Honi, in between patients. He also started alternatives must continue. came the chirpy response to my query. an early age I felt the need to inform family scientists are not the crazed characters sterilising his instruments, sutures and friends who swooned over my younger, depicted in films, “playing god” with wound dressings with carbolic acid. The argument that animal research I winced, and not for the first time either. Brazilian-born brother’s ‘accent’ that it was their research on animals. I know of should be stopped because of animal Earlier this year a friend of mine returned to actually a just a speech impediment for which no researcher who feels comfortable or The result was a drastic reduction in the rights is the safe but soft stance to take “normal” about killing or experimenting number of deaths from septicaemia in on this highly complex issue. Physiologist on animals. The issue is a highly sensitive his hospital ward, and the concept of and physician, Dr. Walter B. Cannon, and moral one, but the benefit of both antiseptic technique was born. Animal described the conundrum beautifully in FACT! historical and modern animal research research has also indisputably established 1896 by quoting Theodore Roosevelt: The term ‘soapbox’ originated to society is undeniable. For this reason, causes and vaccines for many diseases, “Common sense without conscience may from a wrestling match between scientists strive to develop and use aided the development of antibacterial lead to crime, but conscience without Dove and Pears. alternatives to animals in their research as and antibiotic drugs and helped common sense may lead to folly, which is much as possible. researchers develop the techniques used in the handmaiden of crime.” All of us need Before this, townsfolk referred to modern-day organ transplants. to acknowledge that we are indebted to opinion columns as ‘loudsticks’. But scientists are also fully aware that animals used in research, but we also need our society would be very different But just because animal research played to support rather than slander scientists in Such a term is still part of the without animal research. Our basic an important part in these developments, their pursuits to improve animal welfare. vernacular in Southern Helsinki. knowledge of biology, as well as most of does it mean that they were an essential modern medicine, is thanks to pioneering Protect your Privates Callie Henderson considers the changes to your Facebook privacy settings.

When asked the question, ‘Who here of concern with this application is the does not have Facebook?’ only one ‘People Here Now’ function that shows person in four different large lectures your location to any user (friend or put up their hand. When asked if any stranger) ‘checked in’ nearby. of them worried about their privacy on Facebook, not one hand was raised. Like almost all of Facebook’s settings, Reactions like this reveal just how much Places is an ‘opt-out’ feature. This means social media has come to run our lives it is set up automatically and Facebook these days. Facebook has arguably led mobile users must specifically choose the way of social media for the future not to use this feature. Even in Australia with a posse rolling over 400 million where the application is not yet available, deep. Even considering the idea that Places shows up on the iPhone Facebook people exist outside this interactive App. network is obscure to most of us. But for all that, we rarely (if ever) stop to Opting out isn’t the easiest of tasks, and question what happens to all our statuses although Facebook has made some of its after we post them. privacy settings easier to understand, its continuance of the ‘opt out’ rather than Go on, change it. the Sydney Morning Herald, “I think we’re On 20 August, Facebook launched ‘opt in’ settings mean that by default, users can be checked in by friends at an interesting time in the history Places, a new application that enables anyone who doesn’t regularly check and automatically, means that they can of the world when a lot of things that users to add a new degree of locality update their privacy settings may be at then, by absolute default, be located by weren’t recorded or captured in any to their Facebook experience. It is an risk. The winning combination of those complete strangers who are also checked- form are being captured [and shared] - application that allows mobile Facebook who use Facebook the most and care the in to the area. This has understandably and people are understandably nervous users (now numbering over 100 million least about their privacy are going to be led to alarm over the potential of this about that.” Yet Kelly maintained the worldwide) to ‘check in’ to real world the most affected...and chances are, this application to lead to stalking, fraud and concern over the issue was “a beat up”. locations such as restaurants, cinemas means you! harassment. and even streets, through their status. Fiona Martin, a senior lecturer in Whatever the developments, the reality Users are also able to ‘tag’ people who This may seem benign, but the bigger Convergent and Online Media at the remains that the majority of users are with them. Perhaps the biggest issue issue here is again that the nature of Facebook settings means all information University of Sydney agrees.“Facebook worry more about Facebook potentially is public by default, and as 19-year-old should not have applications or privacy charging for its services than giving our user Jacob Carey has said, “Nobody settings as an ‘opt-out’ feature, it should information away. The ‘Facebook Bill pays attention to privacy updates. The always be an ‘opt-in’ feature,” she says. of Rights and Responsibilities’ group biggest lie ever told by our generation is “Those who are less technologically has 79,604 members. The group titled ‘I have read and agree to the terms and savvy or aware will have their privacy ‘If facebook becomes a paysite – I’m conditions’. We just don’t pay attention breached in ways they can’t imagine. gone’ has over five times that number. to this stuff. We just assume it doesn’t Places will expose them to personal While it’s difficult at this early stage to matter...but it should.” danger because it is an ‘opt -out’ determine the concrete affect Places will feature.” have, it is clear that many will sacrifice The ‘People Here Now’ component of at least some personal privacy for the the application is one that has caused In response to complaints, Facebook’s application. Then again, it could also be added concern. The fact that Places chief privacy officer Chris Kelly told argued that in a world where no one has 1519

he was seeking therapy – and he wasn’t The worst thing is that I don’t think even doing it voluntarily. anyone is fooled. Surely if you were so EU-ILFs all up in my grill intent on reinventing yourself, you’d also Georgia Flynn is all hot and God- Sure, Austra-y-an elocution is sloppy at get a new hairstyle, a new name, and bothered. move to a whole new city where you Carmen Culina thinks you should speak properly. the best of times, and I’ll be the first to “No one has ever had a fantasy about Sydney after spending 3 months in the United accept that it isn’t particularly attractive could talk about how amazing London being tied to a bed and sexually ravished States, with a very strong American accent. either. An accent can lend an element was in your new Brit accent without by someone dressed as a liberal,” of exoticism and intrigue to ordinarily anyone ever having to know that you “Helloooo Caarmen it is soooo goood to see Part of the problem with the brash drawl he American satirist P.J. O’Rourke observed banal social interactions. Yes, we all love only spent 3 days there. At least that way yoooo!”. had so eagerly embraced was that it sounded in his right-wing polemic, Give War A awkwardly staged – as though his mouth had to travel. We love to prattle on about I wouldn’t have to try and hold a straight Chance. For some reason, this typically the shopping in NYC, or the price of face as you fumble for verbal consistency I swerve emphatically, wondering how many not quite recovered from the absurdity of O’Rourke flip-of-the-bird to the liberal Jagerbombs in Thailand, and display and babble at length about how hard it is people with such a pronounced British accent suddenly having to force a protracted vowel intelligentsia of the United States photos/pretty things we bought overseas to be back in town. I know of; The Queen mum? That lady from out as evidence of his time offshore. Of clambered into my mind during the weeks as evidence of said travel. Ab Fab? Madonna? Or was it a born and course the other part of the problem was that of the Evangelical Union’s “This is Life” So, unless you sustained a severe head bred Australian girl I had known for years three months is hardly long enough to dent Christ-apaloooza. Despite being indulgent, these activities injury while away, which has caused you proudly announcing her return from Eur- the delivery of your native tongue in the first allow the traveller to emerge with to suffer from Foreign Accent Syndrome ooope? Yes, it was. Now, lets not be too quick place. Three years, maybe. Three months, get It is a moment of sharp focus, when a modicum of decency. Wilfully (actually a rare and unfortunate medical to judge, she may well have just spent a year out of my face. you notice that the object of your developing an accent (as I am certain the condition), then please leave whatever in the UK since I hadn’t seen her for at least lustful tutorial gazes is donning a crisp, aforementioned people have done) after twang you adopted while away at the that long (almost long enough to justify a I’ve always found the hullaballoo that immaculate EU t-shirt: the sartorial a short time overseas and subsequently gates with your wooden tribal mask and equivalent of the song “Can’t Touch change in her speaking patterns). “6 weeks!” surrounds accents frustrating. Even from displaying it like your blistering bikini Turkish cheese. Uploading your travel This.” They do like to tease, though, came the chirpy response to my query. an early age I felt the need to inform family friends who swooned over my younger, sun tan lines does not. It is embarrassing pictures to Facebook will suffice to let me don’t they? On 27 August, they hosted an at best. know you were away. event in the Law School with the tagline: I winced, and not for the first time either. Brazilian-born brother’s ‘accent’ that it was “Sexual promiscuity. Homosexuality. Earlier this year a friend of mine returned to actually a just a speech impediment for which Sex, drugs, rock and roll.” I’m sorry, Hot EU Guy, are you offering? If so, I’m going to have to go with ‘yes’.

Helping Hand It was at this point I developed the sneaking suspicion that the EU was trying Paul Karp decided to volunteer this to show a bit of scriptural leg. The sight time around. of their bright eyes and eager steps as Before this federal election I’d never they streamed into the largest lecture so much as lifted a finger to help a theatre of the New Law School, behoved political party. I was lukewarm on me to perform some background reading. Julia Gillard because, although knifing On 7 April 1930, members of the nascent EU gathered at the first public meeting Kevin Rudd was not inherently wrong, at Sydney University to hear Howard it seemed arrogant to do so and barely Guinness deliver an address on “Men, change any of his policy. Women and God.” So my default position going in to It seems that even in its earliest this election was “a pox on both your incarnation, the EU couldn’t stop talking houses”, but when Labor had a terrible about sex. second week, suffering from leaks that put the Coalition in a winnable According to the club’s website, Howard position, I felt I could no longer afford Guinness was “striking in appearance, the luxury of my cynicism. Despite my forceful in personality, tireless in energy, independence I had a clear preference Maybe holding more little kids would have helped... and adventurous in spirit.” Had I not for Gillard over Abbott so I swallowed known better, I would have assumed vote for Maxine McKew” was code my pride and volunteered for Labor. more say in who became PM and were I was reading the blurb of a salacious richly rewarded with electoral bribes for “return Labor”. In moments Mills & Boon novel, instead of the words My first day volunteering was in such as millions of dollars for a new of frustration I needled the Liberal of the most clean-cut association on Windsor in the marginal seat of grandstand for the Windsor Wolves and that fiscal stimulus had already been campus. Of course, it takes a perusal of Macquarie. Despite only being staffed an upgrade of the Richmond Bridge. invented by the 1950s so it should the Melbourne University Evangelical by a few people there was a buzz of be comprehensible even with their Union to get the good stuff: “I have heard excitement, with rumours Julia Gillard The real eye opener, however, was retrograde vision for society. it said he was required to tone down his would be making a whirlwind stop in election day. I arrived at a primary physical presence to prevent women from the next few days. I was sent out to school in Bennelong at 7:30am to find Several of the Liberal volunteers spoke responding to his message for purely early letterbox drop, first to the semi-rural half a dozen Liberals ready for the Asian languages, particularly Chinese reasons.” (Well. I. Never. ) Wilberforce, and then to Bligh Park, opening of polls at 8 o’clock, but Labor dialects. The Liberal poll captain a flat homogenous suburb bordering nowhere to be seen. When the poll introduced a young international student So, let me get this straight. If I want to another ultramarginal seat, Lindsay. captain did arrive and the few volunteers chosen (and paid) specifically for the do Hot EU Boy and Hot EU Boy wants hastily donned Maxine McKew shirts, task, complete with racist commentary to do Howard Guinness, then all I have to The work of trudging between houses we were outnumbered four to one by the like “she’s from China so she’s never do is…become Howard Guinness. was pleasant enough, although Liberals and two to one by the bake sale. seen an election before”. the material I distributed was of Maybe I’ll focus my energy on trying to questionable intellectual honesty. I The Labor poll captain showed us the Before I left I got given an invitation bang a member of the Liberal Party. didn’t think Abbott would reintroduce election betting odds on his Blackberry, to Maxine’s election after-party. As the worst of Workchoices. Then which showed John Alexander had I watched the returns come in at I caught glimpses of Opposition overtaken Maxine about a week ago and an unrelated election party (Susan material, bulging from the same was now unbackable favourite. Templeman narrowly lost in Macquarie, mailboxes, which basically blamed Maxine McKew lost more convincingly Gillard for NSW State Labor. It seems The mood was high in the Liberal camp in Bennelong) it was this miserable elections are won by the party who can all day, with plenty of preemptive self- shindig they cut to for her comment. tell better lies about the other. congratulation between one Liberal McKew basically put it down to Rudd volunteer and the “No Carbon Tax” being knifed. I could think of any other I found the locals quite suspicious, a climate change conspiracy candidate. number of reasons but had no way of negative outlook that didn’t exactly We remained positive and polite when knowing which was true or what could melt away when they discovered offering how-to-votes, a task made more have been. the origin of my useful electoral difficult by the occasional “you’ve got information. This annoyed me to be fucking joking” from disgruntled somewhat because these voters had voters when they realised “how to Nina Ubaldi ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 16 The Usual Suspects www.honisoit.com HONI'S SOUNDTRACK TO . . .. A PARTY WHERE YOU KNOW NO-ONE The Invitation More an apt soundtrack number from the bandname itself “Party”- Christine Anu and their melancholy wail, the sombre nature of realising your Haw sheet. A Facebook invite from that schmicky-looking lonely predicament will more realistically be soundtracked oboe player in ANHS1001 and you couldn’t bring yourself by Ke$ha or another relic of your mate’s ‘Party Starter Beats to decline the offer. Your Saturday plans fell through, and Mix’. The remedy? Change your mindframe. You’re ‘aloof ’, you decide the only thing worse than turning up to a shindig not ‘alone’. You’re ‘mysterious’, not ‘miserably pathetic’. Be the where you know nada of the populace, is sitting home and lone wolf, know the lone wolf, become the lone wolf. Try not to analysing your fridge contents. With Anu’s ‘deadly red shoes’ converse with people who talk like this. in (and on) toe, it seems to be a no-brainer. But just sayin’, “Do you guys like Kings of Leon?” revamping that vegetable crisper would probably have been a Garner Some Confidence less soul-crushing idea… “You’re So Vain” – Carly Simon recognised you. So anyway, how do you know (Insert Host’s Alright kid, enough hermitage. The beauty of an alienating Name Here)…” Zing. Human relation established. With Arriving Solo party is the ability to craft your personality beyond all measure vino driving your will to converse, one simple swagger into “Go It Alone” – Beck and develop the faux qualities of a cowboy astronaut who can conversation just might be your ticket to an evening of You brave little so and so. Mustering that outsider swagger speak to sparrows and understand the vernacular of centipedes. adventure, as the snowball effect of party mathematics says on approach to the looming terrace, the decision to ride it Thus, walk into the party like you’re walking onto a yacht, your you’ll soon be jumping off the roof naked with your new solo to this barn dance was a bold one. With an embracing hat strategically dipped below one eye (your scarf may or may BFF. Just try to keep that alcohol tolerance in check: you shoulder cuff from your bud of a host, the commencement of not be apricot). Be sure to have one eye in the mirror to watch hardly want to be tagged later as ‘Who In God’s Name Was an evening with strangers challenges both your social skills and yourself gavotte, and let the impro flo yo. That And Why Were They Naked’? your ability to be as suave as multi-instrumentalist Beck. Just jinglin’ that wish coin you stole from a fountain. Get Drunk Own the Party “Tipsy” – J-Kwon “Boom Shake The Room” – Fresh Prince and Jazzy Momentary Departure of the Host Nothing says social lubrication like a bottle of Tickety Boo, and Jeff “Don’t Leave Me This Way” – Harold Melvin & the with your strange company fronting a conversational wall like it Pump up the volume along with the tempo, if all maneuvers Blue Notes ain’t no thang, stop whinging and start wining. Share the love – have successfully steered you towards the speakers it’s time to Playing the good host, your bud promises to return after he there’s nothing like a guest intro over a friendly glass of merlot grab your newfound strangers and make the crowd go ‘HO!’ grabs a bevvy. Only the weak trust this sentiment. With the in the laundry, and if anything you’ll be remembered as The This kind of confidence draws a fine line between party crooning 1970s disco of Melvin and friends haunting your Slightly Awkward Dude Who Brought The Slightly Acceptable monarch and downright twat so treat those d-floor shapes ears, your scramble to maintain any sort of company clutches Wine. Drink it down, down, down. with respect. Ah hell, you’re probably going to see these cats to party straws. Move slowly to the side of the room… first thing Monday morning, you may as well make yourself Join a Conversation memorable for all the wrong reasons. K-k-k-k-kick into it, Lone Chillin’ “Talk to Me” – Peaches loner. “I Started A Joke” – The Wallflowers “Hey, Liam’s brother right? No? Oh man sorry I was sure I Bridie Connellan COLLEGE A SPORTING CHANCE Ted Talas applies for a job using his college credentials. NFL Season Begins Name: Roger Smythe-Worthington Lachlan Carey gets you in the (end) zone. Email: [email protected] Similarly for American Football, check the score, watch the So it has finally begun! The long wait is over! Be upstanding highlights and make sure you’re really drunk for the inevitably Personal Statement: and rejoice for it is here! No, I’m not talking about Verge close and ferocious fourth quarter. It is also a highly specialised I am a recently graduated college resident expecting to take Festival and I’m only kinda referring to X Factor: I’m sport. Each player has a very specific role and their job is to up a financially lucrative position at your esteemed firm. talkin’ about [say it in the obligatory Texan accent. Do It] execute it perfectly. It is here where most Australians give up, FOOTBALL! Oh yes amigos, the 2010-11 NFL season will being used to highly-mobile, free-flowing sports where every Key Attributes: have begun by the time you read this, and while our country player has to be able to do a little bit of everything – such as Highly developed leadership skills – I have a proven record of may not recognise this sport for what it really is – or at all – Aussie Rules or rugby – hence why a comparison with cricket effectively inspiring the behaviour of others. This can be the greatest show on turf has kicked off and I think it’s about is significantly more appropriate. This also applies for the seen in my repeated successes facilitating the prolonged time Sydney University got behind – or at least understood disjointed nature of American Football; every play is a fresh consumption of goon and the carrying of unnecessary – the enormity, the professionalism, the sheer entertainment start, every down a new chance to make something happen. pieces of masonry. of American Football (and no, I will not call it Gridiron. A Think of it like Brett Lee getting tonked for a six and then Time management and organisational skills – I realise that time Gridiron is a football pitch. It just doesn’t make sense). whipping through a middle-stump yorker next delivery. is a precious commodity and am therefore committed to its efficient use. As I always say, why sip a beer when it can As a player and a fan (oh yes, Sydney University does have OK, but cricket is a sport, of course there are similarities. disappear in five seconds? a team and as much as I’d like to claim responsibility for What about trench warfare? The trenches were characterised our nine consecutive championships, I’m a rookie and not by two opposing armies, with full knowledge that at some Excellent verbal and written communication skills – As a college terribly coordinated), I feel I am obligated to enlighten Honi point the other side is going to go over the top and try to take student, I believe that I am naturally adept in all manner readers by explaining what this sport is all about. And no, their ground. They were violent and highly dependent upon of banter, be it on the sporting field or over a scotch and this won’t be an ‘Idiots Guide to the Rules of Football’, I’m order, discipline and planning. An Offense lining up against a cigar. The clarity of my penmanship is perhaps best Defense is much the same. The Offense has a plan of attack presuming we’ve all seen Remember the Titans (and have it in demonstrated by my proficiency in engaging with social based on what they see in Defense, and while it is the whole our list of top five most inspirational movies of all time) so networking sites. unit in attack, much of its success will come down to certain you would know there’s a Quarterback who throws the ball, key players. Like an officer in WWI, the quarterback can be a Running Back who, well, runs it and receivers that catch An ability to work responsibly and independently – This is evident solely responsible for the failure of a play – historically, think it. With a bunch of big guys in front of them, they try and in my thoroughly autonomous and self-sufficient lifestyle. Lone Pine. In Football terms, think Jamarcus Russell – however get past the Defense to score these ‘touchdowns’. OK, done. the play will only succeed if every member of the unit does Empathy – While realising I come from a privileged But that isn’t what Football is, so I’m going to attempt to their specific job. Every man in the trenches has their role background, I believe I have the ability to reach out to explain this sport by comparing it with two things Australians and a failure to fulfill that role opens up an opportunity for potential clients from all walks of life. I mean, just because know how to do well: cricket and trench warfare…Yup, I the enemy. Football is a team sport, but like war, the successes I grew up in Mosman doesn’t mean I led an insulated would argue that American Football is best understood as the and failures tend to be attributed to only a few key individuals. childhood: I went to school with people from all over the weighted average of these two sports. Now, I promise this will Finally, an extraordinary amount of planning goes into every lower North Shore. make sense if you give me a minute. play of American Football, much like logistical and tactical superiority can win a war. While footy players in Australia can A firm commitment to maximum synergisation – Like most of what So let’s start with cricket. Yes, cricket is a gentleman’s game barely read, in the NFL every single guy will have an entire has been written, I’m not sure exactly what this means. played with a bat and ball, it has no contact, and the players playbook memorised, specifying their formations, tactics, However, my old man did tell me to include it (and I think take tea-breaks while wearing sweater-vests. Not exactly The expectations and predicted complications. he’s your boss). Longest Yard. But, it is a bloody long game made up of highly specialised players (i.e. generally, you’re either a batsmen Hobbies So, woop woop, get excited, go to NFL.com and check out or a bowler), with a disjointed gameplay and a great deal I am a true Renaissance man. My hobbies include cheese, some highlights or watch ONE HD on Monday mornings, of tactical maneuvering. Nobody – except perhaps lonely CV stacking and superiority complexes. I also have a keen then try and tell me the game doesn’t make more sense to you retirees or paraplegics with broken remote controls – sit and interest in the performing arts and am an accomplished after reading this. All I ask is that you appreciate the sport for watch every ball of a game of cricket. You check the score, classic rock vocalist, at least late on a Wednesday evening. what it is and end the idiotically simplistic comparisons with watch the highlights and see Ponting get his hundred. rugby. And even if modern-day competitive trench warfare Work Experience doesn’t give you a hard-on, watch it purely for the athletic Pretty sure I did that at Dad’s office in Year 10. ability of these guys and some fucking big hits. ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO SRC Help 17 Working whilst at Uni Knowing your rights at work SRC HELP immediately so that we can discuss your The types of issues many students situation and help you feel safe. You can make a complaint about your boss or lodge a complaint have approached the SRC about with the NSW Anti-Discrimination Board or other Training should include not being paid properly, not external body. SRC HELP can give you advice and always be paid. A job being paid at all when they are being support if you wish to do this. trained, sexual harassment and Discrimination that makes you work discrimination. In NSW Discrimination is when you are treated unfairly because of your age disability, through a training Wages and conditions homosexuality, marital status, race, or sex (this list is a guide and includes other categories) . It can Most students work as casuals. This usually means period for no money, happen in many different ways. If you think that you do not get sick leave or job security. However you are being treated differently to other people you there is a legally required minimum standard. This work with talk to SRC HELP. This might be something is not a job – it is is often outlined in a document called ‘an award’. that is easily stopped, or it might be something that An ‘award’ talks about wages and conditions (time you can get help for or make a complaint about. off, hours of work, etc). There are different ‘awards’ illegal. for different types of jobs - find the one that covers your job by Googling “minimum wage nsw” to get Your money to the ‘industrial relations page’, and then select Regardless of how little you earn you should fill out ‘appropriate award’. a tax return. Remember to claim expenses like your Sexual Harassment is trade union fees and uniforms. Many students simply The national minimum wage for workers not don’t earn enough to owe tax, so receiving it back is covered by a state award is about $18.15 per hour always a bonus. shamefully common, for casual workers. International students can claim back and young women Get paid for training superannuation when they leave Australia. Ask SRC HELP for more information. Training should always be paid. A job that makes in the workplace you work through a training period for no money, If you are working “off the books”, cash-in-hand is not a job – it is illegal. You should know that SRC or illegally your situation will be different. You can be particularly HELP has heard of many situations where students forego many rights in order to receive this money are “trained” for a few days – either in a restaurant and not pay tax. You must be very careful at or an accounting firm - and then sacked. The vulnerable. work, as any accidents will not be covered by the company then gets another person to “train” – who usual insurance. You are also very vulnerable to will work for free – and so on. employers’ bad behaviour. Please take that into account when you choose your job. Many students agree to work certain hours that If you are working suits their study timetables. However, we have seen some examples of employers that bully their Trade Unions “off the books”, cash- workers into doing more hours when the business The best thing you can do as a worker is join the needs it. This is a sure way to bring yourself extra relevant trade union. They can help you with in-hand or illegally stress, and perhaps fail subjects. If you are in this information about your rights as a worker and can situation talk to your trade union or SRC HELP. advocate on your behalf. Trade unions are cheap to join. For example, if you work at a fast food your situation will be Sexual Harassment restaurant for 10 hours a week, you pay $5.40 per week to be a member. If you work 20 hours, that Sexual Harassment is shamefully common, and different. You forego would increase to $7.40. If you work in an office young women in the workplace can be particularly and earn an average of $165 per week, your fee vulnerable. We have heard stories of employers many rights in order would be $3 per week. These fees are completely asking their young female employees (students) tax deductible. about their boyfriends, whether they kiss and have to receive this money sex. This is sexual harassment. Any question from Different jobs have different trade unions. The SRC your boss that makes you feel uncomfortable is can help you get in touch with the right union for probably not right. Male employees are not exempt and not pay tax. you. from this either. If you have any questions about the job you have You do not deserve to be treated like that at work. you can contact SRC HELP, or if you prefer there is There are things you can do to stop this. Talk to a Fairwork Line on 13 13 94.

Job / Industry Details Hourly award wage Contact SRC HELP Public hospital cleaner casual, night shift $21.31 phone: (02) 9660 5222 Restaurant casual, grade 1 (beginner) $17.94 (Mon-Fri) email: [email protected] $22.43 (Sat) www.src.usyd.edu.au $26.91 (Sun) Level 1, Wentworth Building Shop casual, 18 year old, junior $13.20 If you are not on main casual, 19 year old $15.08 campus casual, 20 year old $16.97 contact Breda on: Bar steward casual $20.97 (Mon-Fri) $25.17 (Sat) 0466 169 664 $29.36 (Sun) 18 The SRC Reports www.honisoit.com President's Report Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected]

It’s been a busy few weeks but at last we many universities following VSU as many The SRC would really like to see in 2011 have a federal government!! After my universities decided to (or were forced a mixture of accommodation and housing initial shock at people taking 16 days to) not cover this loss themselves. Some, available to suit a variety of students, to make a decision then spending 16 particularly those smaller universities in such as international students, postgrads minutes explaining that decision and rural & regional Australia, did not have etc. It shouldn’t have to be like Sydney repeating themselves, I’m glad we actually enough money to cover the cost of these University Village, which we all know have a federal government (whatever services, so at places like University of to be a private group making over 30% shape that may be). There’s a lot of things New England, Southern Cross University profit off students every year (explains to do for students in Australia, so it’s and Central Queensland University, these why it’s so expensive eh?). It’s essential crucial we keep pushing for change and services and campus life has virtually that there is plenty of LOW-COST improvements. disappeared. housing for all students, as there are many students who go to this uni who can’t SSAF (STUDENT SERVICES It’s very likely this legislation will be afford to pay upwards of $200 a week. AMENITIES FEE) put before the parliament again. The Greens support a repeal of VSU, as do YOUTH ALLOWANCE REFORM At the last meeting the SRC had with many people within the ALP. The three the other student organisations and the independents that have just formed a NUS had some wins on Youth Allowance, senior management of the University, we coalition government with the ALP and Austudy & Abstudy this year – a fantastic were informed that the proposed Student the Greens are also likely to support some result after many years of campaigning. provides a valuable place of knowledge Services Amenities Fee (SSAF) would sort of services fee legislation, as they But guess what? There’s more to do! and learning for all students who enters be coming up in the Senate after Senate cover electorates in which universities Payment rates are well below the poverty its doors. That sounds like something out resumed on 24 August 2010. Well, look and students have suffered the most. Will line and many students can’t access of the University’s White Paper, but it’s what happened! Parliament was dissolved they actually repeal VSU? Only time Youth Allowance or Austudy if they true – we really need to go back and ask as is only now starting to sit again, which will tell, but I am fairly sure that by the really need it – clearly some changes still why universities are still underfunded and means it’ll be awhile before any of this end of 2011, there will be some sort of need to occur. Having the Greens in the what we can do about it. legislation can get somewhere. student services fee legislation passed by House of Representatives and Senate will the House of Representatives and Senate. mean there is an opportunity to push the INTERNATIONAL STUDENT For those of you who have started uni It’s very exciting and the National Union Government more to improve and change RIGHTS this year or frankly didn’t give a damn of Students, along with your SRC, USU Youth Allowance legislation and access in previously, the SSAF is essentially a and SUPRA, will be fighting hard for this country. International students still don’t have balance between universal student some serious changes to make sure that transport concessions in NSW or unionism and voluntary student any student in Australia is able to have a TEACHING & LEARNING Victoria. THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE! unionism, but with a lot of exceptions fantastic, supported student experience International students’ fees are also still and holes in between. The legislation while at university, TAFE or a private Universities are still desperately being used to subsidise local student was created by the federal Labor college. underfunded by the Government! This places and Vice-Chancellors’ exorbitant government in 2008 to try and resolve means many of them, if not all of them CEO-style pays. International students the huge amount of destruction waged ACCOMMODATION (including our lovely University of deserve a fairer go in Australia, and the on student organisations, campus life Sydney) are forced to conceive of the SRC and NUS will be at the forefront of and the experiences of students at Our uni is still desperately short of much- university as an education institution that in 2011. universities in Australia after Voluntary needed accommodation by students and that needs to create large profits in Student Unionism (VSU) legislation staff. Unfortunately there have been no order to survive. Universities should So although it might seem like we all was introduced by the federal Liberal meetings of the Accommodation Working be about education first and foremost. have to start from scratch again, the new government in 2005/2006. Instead of Group in 2010 – I am not entirely sure Unfortunately the drive and push to government and parliament give us a purely repealing the VSU legislation, why…there’s clearly a lot to do and the make profits every year to put back fantastic opportunity to see some real the Labor government decided to create SRC will be pushing for regular meetings into degrees, staff costs, infrastructure, reform in the higher education sector a new peace of legislation that would in 2011 to make sure some movement accommodation, utilities and student life - for the betterment of our students, seek to cover the cost of student life on actually happens on this front. There are is the no.1 priority of most universities. community and the rest of the Australia. campuses eg. Sport, food, amenities, several sites the university is looking at to The next few months are going to be support, social life, childcare etc. This expand accommodation, but with some In 2011 with a very new-look government incredibly exciting and I look forward to new legislation, the SSAF, would see the (such as North Eveleigh) apparently the and parliament, the SRC and NUS letting you all know what’s happening universities collecting a maximum of NSW Government has been standing would like to see this begin the change. every week in Honi. Keep reading! $250 from each student each year, and in the way. Funnily enough though, Let’s start having funding for universities give this money to student organisations when I spoke to people who work for increase at a REAL percentage that to cover the cost of running these essential NSW ministers, they seemed to think the acknowledges the actual cost of running services. It was acknowledged that these university was the one standing in the a higher education institution that services had been drastically reduced at way!

SRC Honi Soit 'Opinion Competition' Get involved! Come along to a collective... Women's Collective: 1pm Thursdays, Holme Women's Room. WIN $1000 Now open for entries! Queer Collective: 2pm Mondays, Queer Space Holme Buildin Available to all Sydney Uni undergraduate students! Environment Collectives: Competition closes 5pm (EST) MONDAY 4th October 2010. Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC): 1pm Mondays, Botany Lawns See the back cover of this edition of Honi Soit for details, Climate Action Collective: 1pm Mondays, Chancellors Lawns or visit www.honisoit.com 19 General Secretary's Report Report of the General Secretary, Donherra Walmsley // [email protected] So it’s week eight and we finally it spits out graduates who contribute much easier for your SRC to fight for have a government. PM Julia Gillard to the economy, and seems to suggest these things over the coming year. announced her new ministerial line up a disjointed approach to education. I Speaking of surveys, the National Union over the weekend, and has made the guess we’ll just have to wait and see what of Students (NUS) is about to release interesting decision to split the education happens. the report they’ve been compiling portfolio into what is essentially three A little bit closer to home, after from the results of the Quality Survey parts – schools, early childhood and successfully pushing the university to which students from universities all youth (with Peter Garrett as minister), extend library opening hours during across Australia completed towards the undergraduate education will be in Stuvac and exam period for semester end of semester one. Having such a the jobs, skills, and workplace relations one, the university is now in the process comprehensive guide to and evidence of portfolio (with Chris Evans as minister), of re-evaluating their library services. the quality of undergraduate university and postgraduate education falling into They’ve put up a survey which closes on education will be an excellent tool in Kim Carr’s portfolio of innovation, Sunday (so go fill it in now, I know you arguing with the university and the industry and science. they’re more open than ever before to want to procrastinate!), it can be found government for more funding, smaller hearing student perspectives. Similarly we I’m somewhat concerned by this at http://surveys.insyncsurveys.com.au/ class sizes, and better facilities. have a government committed to making separation of education into different surveys/Usydlcs2010/ It takes about This is a really exciting time to be higher education more accessible and portfolios, especially the shifting of 10 minutes to fill out, and having lots of involved in education activism, both higher quality, so I think that we’re in the undergraduate tertiary studies into students let the university know that we within our university and nationally best place we have been for a long time to “jobs, skills, and workplace relations” need longer library opening hours, more – here at USyd our administration is get some real change that will practically because it seems to continue a trend powerpoints for our laptops, more quiet undertaking a lot of reforms to try and affect the day to day life of students. towards viewing education as solely an group study spaces, and more computers make the student experience as good economic good, valuable only when available across campus will make it that as it can (and should) be, which means Education Report Report of the SRC Education Officer, Gabriel Dain // [email protected]

In this week’s report I would like to travel in from very far away to attend battalion of the Army’s Intelligence demanded that their rights as students be commemorate the 44th anniversary of school. Most of the students who attend Service stormed into the houses of these upheld. They were killed because they the kidnapping, torture and killing of public schools in La Plata are from ten students, and took them by force to a demanded that education be free and ten high school students in La Plata, poor backgrounds, and often work after detention centre far away from La Plata. accessible for all. Argentina, very near where I lived for school hours in order to pay for the next the first 14 years of my life. In Argentina day’s bus fare. The ten students who The ten students were held and tortured We don’t have to risk our lives to get we call this event the Night of the were kidnapped, led by Maria Claudia for months. I don’t have to tell you transport concessions for international Pencils. Falcone, organised petitions, rallies, exactly what they did to them, or how students. Nobody has to be tortured strikes and other protests to put pressure often, or how hard. The last person to for more students to receive Youth In 1976, we were in a military on the Ministry of Infrastructure to see Maria was Pablo Diaz, a good friend Allowance. Nobody will kidnap you dictatorship. The ten students attended introduce a transport concession. of hers and one of the original ten, who if you demand that your universities school in La Plata, and were members of Students, parents, teachers, and was released on the 28th of December be properly funded. We have the the Union of Secondary Students. They neighbours attended these events in the of that same year, over 4 months after opportunity to demand what is right had been demanding the introduction hundreds. the original kidnappings. without fear of prosecution. of transport concessions for secondary school students since 1975, but the On the night of the 16th of September, Six of the ten students were never It took until 1986, 10 years, for transport government would not bulge. 44 years ago and only one month released. They were disappeared. They concessions to be introduced in La Plata. after Maria’s 16th birthday, the 601st were tortured and killed because they How long are you going to wait? La Plata is a “regional city”; students

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CRYPTIC 8.Appeased sausaged mince (8) Across 13. Chanel 1000 with model helps 1. Grounds planes? (5) write the music (2-8) 4. Ground drew dope ground (8) 14. Harvest fruit and show up again (8) 9. Anxious about sun over (7) 15. Endless line backs up to nothing 10. Grounds sons, after are broken (7) (3) 11. Tired dwarf? (6) 17. Lemur’s body produces bird (3) 12. Show of gratitude for building a 18. One to brave failure, fruitless (8) toy hunk (5, 3) 21. Put off like a projectile (6) 14. Be shipwrecked and manage a 23. Diplomacy keeping one from sporting venue (3, 7) being mentioned? (5) 16. Composer Mountain? (4) 25. Fury at shooting range (5) 19. Adept at ballet, oddly (4) 26. Ground planet (5) 20. Grounded leap after residence (10) 27. Pig’s pen hosts a visit (4) 22. Where you might buy animal’s springs? (3, 5) QUICK 24. Cursed at the alternate make (6) Across 28. Grounds nautical icons (7) 1. Grounds (5) 29. Set off a gun mechanism (7) 4. Ground (8) 30. Steve starts in drab American 9. Anxious (7) colour and gives Steve’s end (5, 3) 10. Grounds (7) 31. Ground current (5) 11. Tired (6) 12. Ta (5, 3) BENNY DAVIS Down 14. Become beached (3, 7) 31. Ground (5) 1. Grounds plains? (5) 16. 20th century composer of the 12- 13. Mozart’s aide, perhaps (2-8) 2. Code starting one later, like Thor tone school (4) Down 14. Come back (8) and Odin (5) 19. Skilled (4) 1. Grounds (5) 15. Nought (3) 3. Strike by aide after strike (8) 20. Grounded (10) 2. Viking mythology (5) 17. Australian bird (3) 4. Mail after…(4) 22. Where to find 80’s Boy band? (3, 5) 3. Strike (8) 18. Futile (8) 5. …tins shower about merit (10) 24. Make (6) 4. Mail (4) 21. Hurled (6) 6. A single bearing after the Spanish 28. Grounds (7) 5. Merit (10) 23. Unspoken (5) Ms Benes (6) 29. Cause (7) 6. Jerry’s ex (6) 25. Incense (5) 7. Online gaunt black wood (5) 30. Aquatic killer (5, 3) 7. Black (5) 26. Ground (5) 8. Placated (8) 27. Remain (4) SUDOKU THE TAKE HOME* *Questions themed around this week's issue.

1. In which Australian state would you find the town of Scone? 2. In which decade did the Royal Flying Doctor Service begin operating? (1910s/1920s/1930s/1940s) 3. How many Walkley awards has Tony Jones won? 4. What is the broadcast frequency for the Sydney University Radio Group? 5. Name all four Teletubbies. 6. What year did Lenin die? 7. Who was the second-last person to hold the Olympic Flame at the Sydney 2000 Opening Ceremony, handing it to Cathy Freeman? RATED: we honestly don’t know how hard these things are 8. In what year did Cat Stevens change his name to Yusuf sIslam? 9. How many members in the band Little Red? 10. Who plays Facebook founder Mark Zuckerburg in the RATED: Fergalicious def. Fergalicious def. Fergalicious definitious. upcoming film The Social Network? 11. Who played Buffy in Joss Whedon’s 1992 film Buffy The RATED: Solid as a rock! Vampire Slayer? 12. In which city did Jimi Hendrix die? 13. Roughly how many students attend Cambridge University? (6,000/10,000/18,000/25,000) Mr Squiggle 14. Who is the President of Pakistan?

15. What is the most populated city in Latin America?

Eisenberg 11. Kristy Swanson 12. London 13. 18,000 (18,396) 14. Asif Zadari 15. Mexico City City Mexico 15. Zadari Asif 14. (18,396) 18,000 13. London 12. Swanson Kristy 11. Eisenberg 1. NSW 2. 1920s (1928) 3. Four (1987, 1991, 2004, 2007) 4. 91.5 FM 5. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po 6. 1924 7. Debbie Flintoff King 8. 1978 9. Five 10. Jesse Jesse 10. Five 9. 1978 8. King Flintoff Debbie 7. 1924 6. Po Laa-Laa, Dipsy, Winky, Tinky 5. FM 91.5 4. 2007) 2004, 1991, (1987, Four 3. (1928) 1920s 2. NSW 1. The Garter Press NOW WITH SPELL-CHECJK

ISSUE: XXVIXBVX EST. Sometime Last Monday PRICE: A Ministerial Portfolio/Speaker Position

BUILD YOUR NEW WEEKLY COLUMN 2010’s BEST CARS OWN BY ROB OAKESHOTT for police evasion, Prime Minister’s See pages 4-13 and the special mid-life crises Cabinet Rob Oakeshott Column Liftout and backseat sex French HUNG PARLIAMENT singer Soko DECEPTIVELY IMPOTENT RAHDA PELICAN arrested for Political Editor/Bird murder An unnamed source within Parliament House has divulged – in a Garter NELLY PONCINGTON exclusive – that the incumbent European Correspondent/18th Century Dandy parliament, despite being the most impressively hung in Australian political history, operates under secret fears that it may not have the potency or stamina required to push through necessary legislation.

“This Parliament can keep banging its proverbial head against the wall, but in our heart of hearts the resolution The new Parliament will be the nation’s first to rely on Nasal Delivery Technology just won’t be, well, coming,” our source There was also vicious criticism for and unimaginative. It’s just a more mature SOKO ruefully predicted. each individual issue currently facing and developed version of Howard’s 24601 the nation. Without any prompting, our posturing ten years ago. They’ve really “You can stand back and admire it all you source immediately launched into a tirade The singer had to be subdued with drugs and restraints. dropped a ball on this one.” want, but you can bet that nothing will about the Emissions Trading Scheme. The French singer Soko was arrested in get past the seminal stage.” “The ETS? What makes you think these Moreover, there were no delusions by Paris on Monday on suspicion of killing clowns have any idea on how this scheme our source regarding the stability of her ex-boyfriend’s new partner. “The result? A nation left completely should work? They can’t even control the Labor leadership. “I have no doubt dissatisfied,” the source said. nocturnal emissions, never mind ones whatsoever that Gillard’s hiding whatever during the daytime!” Soko, whose hits include “I Will Never fights are happening over cabinet The shocking revelations came on the Love You More” and “I’ll Kill Her”, positions. If she ever comes clean and back of Kevin Rudd’s appointment to What about the broadband network? opens up, she’ll definitely get the shaft.” was taken into custody by police, after the Foreign Affairs portfolio, which was “Well, after all these promises, we’ve the badly mutilated body of Catherine decried as a “cynical” appointment: “It got no free laptops and no cheap, easy, The interview was abruptly cut short Drugeon, 24, was discovered last week doesn’t add up that a man who weakened unfiltered internet access. If they can’t by our source being called for Question floating in the Seine. his party to the point of disaster should even get those themselves, where DOES Time. We thanked them for their time, be rewarded with a sympathy portfolio. this parliament get off ?” and wished them well in their political “In all my years on the force, I’ve never All this constant posturing is just endeavours. seen a body so badly disfigured and cut distracting the people from a sterile policy They also had no issue with reflecting up,” said Inspector Clochet of the Paris being adopted by a party gone to seed.” on Parliament’s sentiments regarding They responded: “PENIS!” Metropolitan Police. “It is our belief that refugee policy: “Completely reactionary Soko killed Mademoiselle Drugeon in a jealous rage.” Local dog has its day INSIDE “This is one sick and twisted bitch,” BILLY TERTANGALA Clochet said. Pet Fair Reporter/West Wing Guest Star POLL SHOWS 1/5 OF AMERICANS Incoming reports indicate that last Soko’s ex-boyfriend, Dominique Valjean, BELIEVE OBAMA IS MUSLIM Friday resident bulldog Sergeant has accused the police of not acting on At least 2/3 believe he may Scruffles had the best day ever. earlier threats the singer had made. also be African-American Unexpectedly, despite rumours of recent p3 Valjean has released to the media one neglect, eight-year-old owner Timmy of hundreds of messages the singer had Weston began the day by sharing an Who’s a good boy? Sergeant Scruffles is a good boy! FLORIDA PASTOR PLANS KORAN left on his answering machine. In it, the entire half of his breakfast with the BURNING singer can be heard wailing, “Man, I told can scratch the Sergeant’s belly just Sergeant. “Timmy’s act of generosity Says he’s outraged by religious you, you know, if I find her, I really, I, right, with witnesses reporting Scruffles was really heartwarming to see,” said extremism and intolerance. I mean, I’ll kill her, for real! It’s like for moving his leg in that really happy way Mum. “Not even his famous love of p4 sure, you have to know, uh, I mean, you that he does when he’s having fun. bacon could prevent this altruistic know, I can do it, man, I’ll kill her.” gesture” In an unprecedented move, the three- “JERSEY SHORE” PREMIERES IN “Everyone thought she was being year-old bulldog (21 in dog years) was AUSTRALIA Witnesses reported Seargent Scruffles charming and cute in that song”, Valjean allowed to sit at the table during dinner, was then taken for a big, long walk What exactly is a ‘Snooki’ and said. “But she wasn’t. She would cut her enjoying multiple pieces of Mum’s all the way to the park where Timmy how do we kill it? forearms during the chorus!” famous roast beef. allegedly played fetch with Scruffles TV Guide. for hours. Initial doubts over who was Soko will undergo a mental assessment Sergeant Scruffles, in a rare public “a good boy” were quickly put to rest, STORIES AND ARTICLES PRINTED before facing trial. statement released at the end of the with Timmy confirming that it was day, openly declared his admiration for WITH INK ON PAPER Sergeant Scruffles himself who was the Timmy and his undying gratitude for Relating to current events and Agence France Presse aforementioned good boy. theLook continuing for the love new and ‘soft’ support Garter, of the topical points of interest. wholeavailable family, at candidly all distribution stating, “Arf!” points p1-46. Timmy is allegedly the only one who The Garter Press Comment

investigate the agendas of or divine as the name first simply “delete the history”. I NEVER DOWNLOADED our enemies, like those in the suggests. Australian Sex Party and the Similarly, the downloading of INTERNET PORN AND DON’T homosexual community. In the But the public can rest assured the iPhone applications ‘1001 KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN BY past, I have charged several of that I never downloaded Sex Facts’, ‘Sexytime Funlite’ my assistants with the duty any internet pornography and ‘Grindr’ were by complete THE TERMS ‘CLEAR HISTORY’ of visiting these websites to for reasons of pleasure or accident. OR ‘PRIVATE BROWSING’ compile information that will diversionary adult stimulation. help us to end the political I will spend the next few days By Fred Nile ambitions of these scurrilous Just because the computer keeps in prayer, asking God why such adult organisations. an accurate and detailed record defamatory claims were levelled of ‘history’ of all the websites against me and why no one has Good morning, Ladies and computer to access 200,000 And yes, I will admit that in the visited that is completely yet invented a means by which Gentlemen, members of the pornographic websites, nor do course of that research I have erasable should not be used as you can browse the internet media, and my fellow Christian I understand what you mean come to understand what is incriminating evidence against without leaving a trace. Democrats. by the terms ‘clear history’ or meant by the terms ‘gang bang’, me. What’s that? Please, sir, I’d ‘private browsing.’ ‘MILF’ and ‘back spackle’. ask you to hold your questions I’m also committed to voting I’d like to be very clear here: I until the end of the press down Clover Moore’s same sex don’t understand why the media The Christian Democrats and Similarly, I now appreciate and conference, and nevertheless, adoption bill which I find both would choose to believe that I regularly use our internet understand that a ‘glory hole’ I’m not sure what you mean religiously abhorrent and barely someone used my government facilities to understand and is nowhere near as religious when you ask why I did not legal. Wait, scratch that last bit.

choice, just hitting the spacebar FINE, WRITE YOUR OWN a bunch of times till your text YOU CAN’T MAKE A PIG is aligned – there is probably PLAY THE PIANOLA FUCKING LETTER an easier way to do this (there definitely is), but it’s good to By the Microsoft Paper Clip see that you take the road less By Bob Katter travelled! Bravo Robert Frost, bravo! Hi there! Looks like you’re strong paper and seal it with Australia has learned a valu- tickling the rhino, and it was trying to write a letter! I can wax, because back then, it Of course, when Robert Frost able lesson following the 2010 this fatal miscalculation that help you with – woah there! meant a damn. Of course in wrote letters, he generally federal election: if you want to led them into their current pre- I can plainly see that there’s those days, the only help you capitalised both his first and go to Bendigo on the back of a dicament; standing on the train no need for my help here; may need when epistlating surname, as has been the horse, you’d better hope you’ve platform without a ticket and surely no one who clicks ‘I’m was when you sneezed into custom from several hundreds packed enough sandwiches for being beaten to death with a fine’ with such speed and your inkwell and spilled of years. But who am I to everyone. clarinet. And to that I can only determination (I can almost the handsome blue, watery judge? You obviously don’t say, ‘Surf’s up, Jenny’. hear it in your voice, “I’m pigment all over your perfectly want your letter to look like The voters have sent a re- fine,” as said to a waiter who formatted letter. yet another generic product, soundingly clear message to It’s finally becoming clear that keeps pestering you for dessert a cookie-cutter template, with our politicians and voted as there was never a minotaur in orders) would need my help. This will surely be a sight to no spark or personality, you though it was a Syrian jam the swimming pool, and that if behold, and if you don’t mind, want your correspondence to fair, saying to our leaders that the nation ever wants see the No sir, you are clearly a man I would be honoured to bear be unique. And by ‘unique’ I of the time for building model end of this rodeo, then they’d or woman of action and I witness to it. No, honestly, course mean ‘wrong’. ships has ended, and now is the better put down the Frisbee applaud that. Too often, I feel, pretend I’m not here. moment to finally smash some and run as fast as they can to do people fall back on the But don’t let me stop you, snow globes. And if the Labor the post office. safeguards set up to protect an I can only assume that you’re go ahead – you’re absolutely government and the Coalition increasingly illiterate society, building suspense, like the right, that really shouldn’t be don’t understand that, then After all, if we wanted to an- but not you! You’ll write this master showman you are, and a separate paragraph, and that they may as well begin ironing ger the park ranger, we would letter yourself, just like they not trying to figure out how to sentence probably doesn’t need their socks right now. have just thrown his bike in the did in days gone by, when men, put your address and name in a verb. river. hunched over dusty bureaus, the top left corner of the page. It’s not difficult to see how illuminated only by a flickering I assume this because you said That’s not how you spell the billy cart exploded, both It’s just that simple. candle, would painstakingly you didn’t need my help when ‘sincerely’ . sides ran their campaigns as if etch their thoughts into thick, I asked. Ah! An unconventional Thomas Edison himself was

THERE’S NO WAY I’M extra Dr Pepper.” And you a wallet full of fives, I’ll just you order, just count up what know what, Bill? Maybe he’s buy a Dr Pepper, or the latest you’ve got in your wallet, right BREAKING THIS CRISP $100 right. Keep this up and people ‘PC World’ whenever I see there in the restaurant. That’s BILL TO PAY FOR LUNCH are going to start talking. “One it, it’s just too easy. All these the best way, at least you won’t minute Bill won’t pay for his little luxuries I just don’t need. go making any more stupid By Bill Gates own meal, and the next he And so then I’ll just whittle decisions like that. won’t feed the whole African away that hundred, and then continent.” who’s going to pay for the You know what, John really Ok, Bill, you’re a smart guy, dollar bill. Well, there’s no groceries, Bill? Huh, who? should offer to pay. It would you can work this out. Let’s way in hell I’m breaking that Yeah, well it’s going to seem Because you sure as hell can’t be reasonable of him, the jerk. just take a deep breath and Benjamin to pay for this. tight to John, but I really need go withdrawing hundreds out I did invest a shit tonne of think about it. that hundred. I mean, it’s not whenever you want. That’s money in his new business last Come on, Bill, think. There’s even that I had specifically ridiculous. year as a favour, you’d think The cheque says lunch is $25. got to be a way out of this. allocated that hundred to do the guy could spot me a club John owes $10 by the looks of Am I too proud to ask John the groceries later today, which Damn it, Bill, why’d you have sandwich and a couple of Dr it, and the rest of that is yours, to shout? God, that would be I had. And using it would to go and order that second Dr Peppers once in a while. – yeah, one club sandwich and mortifying. I mean, it’s not just totally throw the entire week’s Pepper? Yeah, it’s a delicious two Dr Peppers, $15. What a impolite and downright rude to finances out. Even though that beverage, but honestly, did I suppose I could put it on rip. take a friend out for a sandwich really bugs me, that’s not it. you really need two? If you’re credit. Actually no way, this and not be able to pay, but it’s What really gets me is just going to start making really place definitely has a surcharge Check the wallet again, maybe embarrassing too. What’s he having all that change in my irrational decisions with your for credit use, I learned that the you missed something. Nope, going to think? “Deep pockets wallet. Because when I have expenditure like that, at least hard way last time I was here, empty except for a tenner, and Bill, he won’t even fork out for small change, man, does it have an idea of the funds not making that mistake again. that one crisp new hundred- his own club sandwich, and burn a hole in my pocket! With you’ve got to work with. Before he’s so greedy, ordering that The Garter Press Lifestyle

bunch of sacred religious with Independence. On CLASSIFIEDS texts and inflame a holy war. BIRTHS their wedding day, the COLUMN∞ Must be hot. happy couple had just one message, “Fuck you City, ONE Foreign Affairs Ministry. LOST one kidney. I have BILLY. Although you with your blatant political David Forsyth, West Wyong, If not, then I’d like Laurie another but the logistics of weren’t born today (so this allegiances and disdain for takes up last week’s ‘Food- Oakes’ number so I can leak how I lost it are of interest technically isn’t a birth akubra hats. Our holy union as-Government’ challenge, damaging Labor secrets. to me. notice) I thought I should will be the end of you.” suggesting he’d like his Your choice. Contact Kevin. let you know that you were sandwich with a dash of DO YOU want to lose weight unwanted. Read on for more “Mao-naise” and a sprinkling and get healthy fast? Have shocking revelations! of “corn colonels”. Deary me, you considered ... diet and EMPLOYMENT DIVORCES David, that sounds awful! exercise? David Forsyth, again from JOB OPPORTUNITY. DEATHS HEY BILLY. It’s me again. I Wyong, writes again to let Not exactly like a work didn’t want to tell you this us know that for desert he’d placement. Contact Cobb. FOR SALE in person because I thought have a “Bicaramel system” of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER it would be too difficult so “Upper and Lower Mousse” DRIVER. Must be able to has died in unfortunate I took out an ad. Your Mum and perhaps a “Minister for drive in high speed evasions. ONE packet of Triple A circumstances for the and I split up. It was your Foreign Éclairs”. Please, Must also be able to throw Batteries. Batteries sold second time. A Sunnydale fault. David, no more! You’re knives and instantly retrain separately. resident known only as Spike torturing us with humour! packs of guard dogs and remarked at the funeral, “Is BETTY AND DON Draper. One more and we’ll have to set them on their owners. TWELVE buckets of unusued she dead or undead? She Mad Men. Season 3 Finale. stop you ourselves! Intimidating facial scars campaign chalk. Please take should just make up her Spoiler! helpful, but not essential. it off me before I stone bloody mind like the rest of David Forsyth, you know Meet at British Museum at myself to death with it. us.” where he lives, writes in to midnight. Bring own knives. DEFEAT IS PAIN! PERSONALS tell us that he could wash it all down with some “authori-tea” WORK WANTED: something MARRIAGES and a “second reading peach”. WANTED to do with social welfare. BUST: DD. Waist: 40”. ATM We warned you, David, and No gays/blacks. Contact W. Pin #: 4657. Is this apt for now we’re coming. Those who Tuckey. COUNTRY VALUES has the personal section? Jean forget the pasta are condemned FIRE hot enough to burn a finally gotten hitched Rutherford, Mosman. to reheat it.

THE EASEL eration (and readership!), Mary Granger, West Wyong, The Garter has grayscaled has sensibly retracted her a series of everyday letter about the importance Activity: objects, waiting for your of “Separation of Flours” What’s black, white child to breathe the colour after hearing of the sudden and bizarre disappearance and a rainbow all over? back into them! Why, this bit of the of her neighbour, David Forsyth. Sensible, Mary, paper, silly! Grab those *Only in the presence of a sensible. coloured pencils and supervising adult. knock yourself out!* A classic lost-in-translation moment hopes Kieran, Garter studies have Waverton, nervous, who was entertaining his recent South shown that work- African in-laws last Tuesday: ing with colours can “my father-in-law rose after stimulate our childrens’ the second course and politely intellects, expand their declared it the ‘shittest’ creative potential and meal he’s ever eaten!” Any suggestions on what he might in rare cases help them have harmlessly meant, asks levitate. With a view to Kieran of our South African helping our future gen- readers? He also used the words “outstandingly bad” and “beyond belief in terms of WANT TO BUY YOURSELF meritlessness”. Hola! Mi nombre es Do-

‘STREET CRED’? lores! Estoy tomando THE GARTER IS The new and improved clases de español! Me LEGALLY REQUIRED HENDERSON FAMILY COMPANY sell: gusta tacos! TO APOLOGISE TO MyFace Accounts! THE FOLLOWING Cassette Player Machines! INDIVIDALS: Helvetica Font! Ha. Great to see your Spanish les- Tight Clothing! sons are paying off, Dolores. But Ironic Clothing! please don’t mix your work and your James Colley, Henry Red Clothing! personal life again. It didn’t work Hawthorne, Ben Soft Jazz Records! out so well last time for you or Jenkins, Dave Mack, Mexican Rainbow Cake! the cat. Joe Payten, Diana Used Sponge! Tjoeng and Tim Whelan Tar and Bitumen! Also, please do a thorough spell Feminine Hygiene Products! checjk. – Ed. It was wrong of us to imply you were corrupt, and also to burn your houses down. Students’ Representative Council Presents ‘Honi Soit Opinion Competition 2010’

LAST CHANCE to get your entries in! Closes Monday 4th October!

THEME CENSORSHIP WIN $1000 “How open should society be?" Honi Soit & Annabel Crabb want to know YOUR opinion Are you a budding writer, pundit, commentator or looking for a good reason to have a bit of a rant about something? If you are super-passionate and enrolled at Sydney as an undergraduate in any discipline, then HONI SOIT wants Political Journalist, Commentator, to hear from you! Star of ABC TV What you need to do All Sydney Uni • Write an opinion piece on the theme of ‘Censorship’ Undergraduates are • Make sure it’s 800-1000 words and your own original work eligible to enter! • Submit it by 5pm (EST) Monday 4th October 2010 to [email protected] (Entries open 5pm 6 August 2010) • Include your full name, year, degree, faculty, student ID number, email and phone contact.

…and you’ll be in the running for a $1000 prize, generously donated by one of the University’s most supportive alumni!

So what could you write about? The door is open to ideas around the topic of ‘censorship’. Think: Internet censorship…Privacy laws…Confidentiality…Pornography…Film and classification…Google...Wikileaks…Literature… Hip-hop and rap…Media...Medical records... Bill Henson and art…and there must be many more!

www•src•usyd•edu•au All entries will be judged on their style, content, substance and writing skills by our fabulous 2010 Honi Soit editors. The final short list of 12 will be read and a final winner (and two runners-up) will be chosen by Australia’s favourite opinionista – Annabel Crabb, political journalist, commentator, star of ABC TV and author of ‘Rise Of The Ruddbot’ (Black Inc. Publishing). Finalists will be featured in Honi Soit or other SRC Publications.